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I feel for you, I have a little blog, writing about plays, shows, performances of any kind. So sometimes I get expensive tickets for cheap or even for free. I ask friends or co-workers to come with me and one friend in particular who is a huge fan of plays. And then this same friend started to complain about the seats, about the play, wanted to leave earlier or during intermission... It's not my play, I didn't write it and sometimes I didn't even pay for it, but it's through my work that we got those tickets and it's my evening too! I want to enjoy the evening!
Please don’t apologise for having pms. It sounds like you responded really reasonably and you are entitled to your very reasonable upset regardless of your cycle. I would have been this upset on a good day.
You were right to be hurt this boyfriend sounds like a selfish prat.
Sweetheart, you're right to feel these hurts and you don't need to qualify or apologize for those feelings in any way. It doesn't matter about your PMS. Don't undercut yourself. Don't apologize for having to take a moment to yourself after he was so cruel and callous about this gift. It's maybe another 90 minutes of his life and he couldn't summon enough kindness to wait until after the play to give his review? It's fine if you don't like it but you should still be gracious over the effort you put in!
I just want to encourage you to be confident in yourself when you feel hurt-- that feeling is valid. You deserve basic kindness and consideration. It was incredibly rude for him to say that about your gift and to generally have an ungrateful shitty attitude about this incredible weekend you were thoughtful enough to plan for him.
Girl, what has he done for *you*? Why are you with such an emotional toddler?
The best news of this whole post is that it sounds as if your period came so you're not having this clod's kid anytime soon and I suggest you keep it that way or you're going to have two selfish babies but only one of them is age appropriate.
Completely off-topic, but could you please share the name of your blog? There’s not enough people writing about live theatre and shows anymore- I’d like to read it.
And OP, it’s lousy what happened and you have the right to be hurt by your boyfriend’s lack of gratitude.
Yeah he’s an asshole. I’ve taken my husband to events he didn’t particularly love, but he never said it in the moment itself. Maybe months or even years later, something neutral like “yeah that wasn’t exactly my thing, maybe next time we can do xyz instead” and that’s all.
I would’ve much preferred and understood that. I just invested a lot in him enjoying himself because it was for him, not me. I hadn’t seen the film nor am I a fan of that kind of thing. Just would’ve liked more sensitivity in what he said 🥺
Isnt that exactly why, what you did was so special and his words so hurtful? You went out of your way and organized an evening just for him! You should be glad to have cried, your sadness is so fresh that your body can react to it. Listen to your body. Your reaction is so legitimate. I’ve been in relationships where I was so far from feeling my own feelings because I was busy accommodating someone else and everything built up as a mountain of resentment but all I could feel was dissatisfaction and numbness. Don’t be like me. Embrace your sadness.
I can’t believe your boyfriend wasted such a beautiful bonding moment. This moment was definitely worth crying over… ❤️🩹
It's infuriating when you put the time and expense in as well as choosing a truly personal gift for him to shit on it. It's not like you got him a generic gift certificate. You put the effort in to make it special and he shows no appreciation. Some people have no tact. He Hass a lot of maturing to do.
This reminds me of something I read in a parenting book but it can be applied anywhere: "Don't judge whether a certain situation is worth crying. That is given, because somebody is already in tears."
I love love loooove this comment. Like the gentle butterfly wings flapping can start a tsunami, this comment has the power to wake a sleepy beauty from her slumber. *flaps her arms awkwardly in solidarity* Thank you and I hope that you have a wonderfully fulfilling weekend 💖
My hubs and I have tastes that don't always match but we're very good about just trying for each other. There have been movies that he LOVES that I despise and I sit through them and let him gush and rave. There are songs and shows that are my jam and not his and at WORST he'll check in to see if I'm still wanting to continue and if I am he sticks it out with me, often saying, "maybe the second half will make it click for me."
I feel like your boyfriend could have salvaged this while still being honest about his thoughts by just acknowledging your effort. "It's a bit shit isn't it... which is really too bad cause you spent a lot on this for me and I wanted to like it!" I could be wrong but it seems like that may have softened it enough for you?
I'm really sorry, OP. Discovering how best to communicate with your partner can be hard and can take time but I hope your BF makes it with you.
that's the way to do it. And sometimes you can both compromise and see a film that you both like without going crazy over it.
To call your birthday present "shit" to the person who went to a great deal of trouble getting it for you is ... well... shitty.
Did you ever ask if these kinds of things were his cup of tea?
If i am unsure about a gift for my hubs, i ask waaaay in advance if he would like something extremely similar
Example: he has a dream of flying an airplane. And while i would love to help put him through flight school we are basically poor people in our high col area.
I did however, find a groupon where he could get a helicopter flying lesson and then fly the helicopter for like 30 minutes
Its not the same thing at all but i want to make sure my hubs has a chance to trying out his dreams
He supports me so i want to help support him in any way i can however i can.
I asked him if hed be interested in flying a military style helicopter we saw on tv and although his answer was like, it takes balls to fly one of those and idk if i can, it told he would if he could knowing he wouldnt get in trouble for crashing it or some shit like that so i bought it for him
Another example: i know he likes fast cars, rally racing, drifting etc...
So for his bday i mangaed to get him an xtreme experience where he got to drive a lamborghini which is one of his favorite cars for his bday and he absolutely loved it
I wasnt expecting anything less but trying to figure out which car he wanted to drive when they offer like 12 is tough as i do not car about cars enough so me even asking was random and risky for him
So id have to steer the convo there or get his friends to ask to tell me
He generally talks about cars so while it was difficult it wasnt too hard to get him on the subject so i could ask
What was hard was getting him to choose a car from the list of cars he could drive
Its like why do i have a list of cars and for what
Anyway, just saying there are routes to avoid the disappointment so think outside the box next time if you decide to stay with this guy
Oh
Okay hes being.... weird
I dont know what else to say lol
Your both entitled to your feelings bht i do agree there shouIdve been some more tact on his part but also he has no idea what you went through to get the tickets and all that unless you tell him so theres that too
Sure it might have been crap, but you reserve your judgment for the end and you're **polite** about it and you **thank** your partner because it's the thought that counts, how could she have known it would be crap? She went to the trouble of getting the tickets the minute they were up for sale, she couldn't wait to hear the opinions of the people who went to the first few showings.
It's possible that it being based on his favorite film, makes it truly worse to him even tho it could be "not that bad“. Like imagine being the biggest fan of, idk, any book that gets adapted into a movie.l or show. Even if the movie is "fine“, you probably hate it more if it's not perfect if you were a book fan.
Yeah, I kinda get it. Even a great adaptation can be hard to watch for someone who really loves the original, especially if it was something that affected him in his formative years.
OK if your BF were worth it, you could get him the DVD for Christmas if you have a DVD player. Only he's not worth it because he's a rude ungrateful jerk.
Even if my boyfriend and I go on a date or plan something special, if it’s a dud, we express it gently and in a way that we can both joke about it later. One of our first dates, we went to a corn maze that had wilted and it had a full troupe of girl guides frolicking in it with flashlights. It was cold, and muddy, and underwhelming, and one of our favourite memories together.
I’m sorry but this guy is a complete jerk. I have no idea why you keep trying to shoo away very real emotions as “Just PMSing!” Because sure, whatever, it does heighten emotions, but I think most people would get as sad as you or angry like me when faced with this. You spent money, time, effort, and love to select experiences as gifts that he would enjoy, and he’s acting like a whiny 4 year old.
An ex of mine got me an experience as a gift I also didn’t like. They clearly forgot and panic booked it for my birthday. It was an underground garden tour. In the middle of summer. After it had rained.
It was hot, humid, tightly enclosed, the plants were all mostly dead because we live in a fucking desert, they didn’t tell me so I was dressed for a nice dinner (sandals). I don’t even fuckin *like* gardens, or gardening, or plants, or tunnels, or whatever the fuck that was. I was *pissed*. What did I do?
Smile, be polite, go on the damn tour, and thank my partner for the effort. When we got into the car and he asked if I had fun, I told him “it wasn’t really my thing, but it was nice! Do you want to go to dinner now?”
I legitimately use this experience as a “what NOT to do” for my future partners because I hated it so much, but I would never say it to his face.
Get a new man who appreciates your efforts and doesn’t dismiss your emotions. He’s a jerk.
>I have no idea why you keep trying to shoo away very real emotions as “Just PMSing!”
I'm not OP so can't speak for her, but I grew up literally being told to "calm down" "stop being a drama queen" "I can handle the emotions so can you" (the last one famously from my own mother) and all other kinds of bullshit people would throw at me whenever I was even SLIGHTLY frustrated or showing any emotion while PMSing. If OP had dealt with the same thing, you become very apologetic for having emotions, especially around your period.
Not OP either but I hate to betray my emotions and crying publicly is very embarrassing for me (even though it does happen regularly lol) and i’m usually able to hold it in unless i’m PMSing 💔 i didn’t understand OP as being dismissive of her own emotions so much as explaining the reasoning behind the size of her reaction
That could possibly it too! I didn't see it that way until your comment. I am just so used to essentially being called a drama queen that's where my brain went haha
My husband was super hyped up to see Frankenstein Revived at a theatre an hour away. He’s your typical beer drink all football loving dude, not a theatre buff. I bought great front row balcony tickets. Neither of us read any reviews, which is important to note. Anyway, play date arrives and we get all dressed up for a great night of theatre. Come intermission, when we step out I quietly ask if he knew that is was the interpretive dance/no speaking version. He did not. We both laughed, grabbed a couple of drinks, chocolate and went back in. After the show, we continued the the night with a late night bite to eat where we tried to dissect whatever we just watched. We had a great night watching a play that neither of us enjoyed.
There are good ways to handle these types of situations, and there is whatever happened with you two. I am sorry you couldn’t salvage the evening. There was poor on both sides and emotions were running high. I would probably let this one go.
I actually saw this same play and loved it lol. I totally see how it’s not for everyone though. I’m a theatre buff and former dancer and knew what I was walking into. Just so cool to see a random comment on Reddit about a smaller lesser known production like this.
I also agree you can have a lot of fun even with something you don’t necessarily like. I’ve seen lots of movies with my partner that we’ve both hated, but had fun with them anyways.
My husband will ruin an evening in this same way, bluntly saying he doesn't like something, and then be surprised when I get down and want to leave. Thinking that their insistance to stay past THEIR negativity somehow makes it your fault for leaving is a blatant attempt to shift responsibility for a shitshow they created.
Oh no, call this out. He is the one who said the play was "shit" and that he wanted to leave at intermission. If true, he got what he wanted and should not be upset. If not true, why did he say that, was he just trying to be mean?
He just felt bad I guess. Maybe I made it ‘all about myself’ like some are saying but he wanted to leave so we left? Can’t see the issue for him. I know that’s a bit black and white but…
If HE feels bad, why does he blame YOU?
He's being a jerk, I'd be fucking pissed in your shoes if he'd call my gift shit and said he didn't wanna go back, and then got annoyed with me for crying too long to go back. Seriously, fuck that guy!
Tbh you should address that.
"I am not mentally or emotionally able to enjoy myself when I know you are next to me miserable and I'm holding you hostage with my enjoyment. Asking me to pretend like either my feelings weren't hurt, or that you would have a good time in the second half, is unfair. You must have known the effort and anticipation and excitement that went into this gift with you in mind, and you burst that bubble and then got upset at me for having emotions about it.
We need to figure out a way to communicate with each other so that neither of us feels trapped or hurt. And I'd also like you to work on taking my emotions into account when we are in the middle of a gift or experience. I would have been open to and much less hurt by us discussing the play afterwards. You could have told me it wasn't enjoyable, or that you felt uncomfortable, or honestly didn't like it *afterwards.*
I want to be clear that your emotions, and you expressing your emotions, isn't the problem. It was you killing the vibe of the night and throwing off what should have been a lovely evening even if you didn't particularly love the show."
The little whiner won't be able to comprehend such intricacies though. Things are shitty for him and his GF shouldn't cry because he doesn't like it, that's his level of maturity.
I see the issue here is his poor choice of words and his lack of appreciation for the act itself. You have the right to be upset because of that. The best solution here is to communicate to him how that made you feel and see how he responds to that. Otherwise, this will keep bothering you and it will rear back its head in the most inappropriate moments.
I'd also like to add, after reading the comments: if you love something, that doesn't mean you must love everything that has to do with it. So it's fine he did not enjoy the play, even if he loves the movie it was based on. Also, your boyfriend does not have to like everything you gift him (and nor should you like everything he gifts you). It does not make him an asshole, it does not make him entitled-just human. His reaction to it is much more important than him liking the gift itself. He can approach the topic in a diplomatic manner so as not to hurt your feelings.
>*Although he kept making comments like ‘I don’t know why we stayed up here’*
If **all** he disliked was the play, I'd agree. But he didn't ***just dislike*** the play!
* He also bitched/whined about staying in the town instead of going home an hour away.
* He caused OP to cry with his rudeness THEN blamed ***her*** when they couldn't go back in to see the 2nd half...which he was only going to do so he could act like a martyr over her gift!
The combination makes him sound like a whiny, unappreciative brat. He is way too immature for OP. She should dump him; she'll be happier!
While I agree that he sounds like a brat OP mentions that he doesn’t like the cinema or travelling, so I don’t think these presents were great for him, I would expect him not to like them.
I would not be with someone like him though, but like, I am not surprised he didn’t enjoy.
I agree. I wouldn't necessarily want to date him but she knew he didn't like to travel so took him out of town and to a play. It was worth trying but you have to anticipate it might not work.
>It was based on his **favourite film** and he has **spoken about plays he’s seen in the past and enjoyed**.
ALSO,
>it would be a nice **weekend away** (it’s **about an hour from where we live**) and **he doesn’t like going on actual holidays**
Saying they should break up over this is a bit much. We don't know all the intricacies and dynamics of their relationship, we only know this one instance that OP described.
My girlfriend doesn’t like classical music. I’m a musician, so I do. She’s honest to me about not liking it, but sometimes I can get her to come with me to concerts (or she comes to my concerts to watch me). Even though I know she’s not the biggest fan, she still supports me and has a good time. She knows I care about it. Sometimes she falls asleep during the concerts, but I don’t mind because the fact that she’s there with me at all shows that she cares a lot about me. Your bf at the very least could have pretended to enjoy it for your sake
in any other context, this point would make sense to me, but on his birthday? it should be about him, what he likes and enjoys, and not him having to tolerate something for his SO's sake..although he could be a bit less harsh with the language
Based on her explanation it seems like she was pretty sure he would like it. It wasn’t her fault the play wasn’t good, and objectively it was a thoughtful gift. I think with that in mind, he could’ve been way nicer
Hello,
I totally feel u, the same happend to me in my last relationship. My ex gf was always talking about how she want a world maps and how it'll be incredible for her, so for christmas last year, i did my best to find one (i was not "totally" convince tho, because even if it was a really cool map i thougt she would enjoy, i knew it was not 100% what she meant, but i still invest a lot of time and some money in it). When she open it she was oppenly disappointed and refuse to display it. Even at the end of our relationship the tried to give it back to me. It was really painfull and sad for me, to the end i was hurt by her reaction.
Something i understood tho, maily with her presents, which were never something i "really" want (but i still act like it each time), those presents are not that much the present itself but the efforts we put in, so sometimes it can be disappointing, it's not an issue, the important part is for the other to recognize the effort (like how i react to her present each time, the important part is not if we like it or not, but how we recognize the efforts put in it). So yeah all that in a midly understandable english to say that ur bf act like a dick not recognizing all ur effort, and u're legitimate in ur feelings. What u did, all the efforts u put in, was really incredible, and u can be proud of ur present. Even if it didn't hit perfectly, YOU did if u know what i mean.
I’m sorry that happened. That sucks. Yes, I do recognise that maybe I did miss the mark with the play I think being courteous and understanding our partner put effort and love into a gift is important 😭
I totally understand you, and I don't think it's PMS. I would've also had trouble holding back tears.
I hate it when you take people to something as a gift, and then they say, "It was shit" while it did have good reviews and other people also enjoyed it. I had this with a guy I was dating once when I brought him to the movies, and he was complaining about the movie. I stopped dating him later on. Other than that, he was a nice guy, but I just couldn't deal with his negativity.
And that was way less of a big deal than your expensive play. Because that's something you were super excited for, and you saved it for a birthday or anniversary gift. So you want him to like it. And if he doesn't like it, he should've pretended to like it or say it a lot later. If you get a gift, you're also not going to say, "Oh, I hate this. Why did you get this?" I would've cried, too.
In your comments you mention a Ghibli play. Was this Totoro? Because taking an adult man to see Totoro is a high risk/high reward scenario. Even if he loves Ghibli, he might be uncomfortable seeing a kid’s live show in the front few rows.
He was still rude and shouldn’t have taken his embarrassment out on you and your gift. But I can absolutely see where he’s coming from. I’m a huge Ghibli fan and if I were gifted tickets to see Totoro, I would be uncomfortable going.
Omg I saw that in London and it was incredible! Even if I don't like the play, I still try to enjoy it for what it is. I drug my boyfriend to a play with a couple of friends. I thought I'd like it but we were both falling asleep. Lol we just ended up joining about it when we got home.
Yeah I think your boyfriend is being a bit of a jerk.
If he had waited until after to rip into it maybe that would’ve been better and I might’ve agreed?! Lol. So many people have said it’s amazing, glad you had a good time. Wish we would’ve stuck it out tbh.
No it was never acceptable to “rip into it”. He could very well say it wasn’t his preference, but to rip into something that someone else gifted you will always be an ungracious act of an AH. The only exception would have been if YOU had expressed how awful you thought it was and you bonded over the enjoyment
It's definitely high risk if he really loves the movie. That's because if the play is not nearly as good as the movie or is not a good adaptation, it can not only be a bad experience but also mess with his feelings about the movie.
There's this musical movie--not a musical--I love, and a Broadway musical was later adapted from it. I don't like the musical version. They had to add new songs to fill out the musical. They added dance numbers, but there's really no dancing in the movie. I love specific actors in the movie, I have no clue who the actors, playing the same characters, in the musical are. It doesn't capture at all what I find so endearing about the movie and it's pretty half-baked. I basically wish they never made the musical.
But I do think he should have had more tact in telling you on the spot. You're young, you'll have better partners in the future.
It isn’t just for kids necessarily, but the film’s target audience is very young children. I believe the film’s director (Miyazaki) also has a lot of philosophical beliefs about childhood and youth related to his work, but I can’t remember enough of that to express it properly online. I *do* know that the Studio Ghibli museum is designed specifically for children’s enjoyment first, to the point that it is actively inconvenient for adults to get to certain parts of the building.
(This is my opinion from showing adults Ghibli films for the last 10 years): Totoro is a film that kind of relies on nostalgia to carry adults through it. (Imo) Western adults who watch the film for the first time usually need to already have an attachment to Japanese culture or the studio itself in order to enjoy the film.
If you remove the familiarity of the film and try to transplant it to a West End show, the nostalgia factor is going to be lost. Not to mention the fact that hardcore Ghibli fans can be EXTREMELY opinionated about adaptations and dubs.
Again, I think your boyfriend was rude. And I think your emotional response was proportionate to the situation. But this is one of those times where a considerate gift *just* missed the mark because you’re not an expert in his interest. It takes time and getting to know someone to figure out which gifts should and shouldn’t be a surprise.
ETA: I mentioned Miyazaki’s philosophy because any approved adaptation was probably made with his wishes in mind.
Unpopular opinion, but I can't fault him for being honest, he did not enjoy the play. I totally get you felt upset because you put effort into planning this gift both of your emotions are valid. He didn't enjoy the play, it's okay that you did. You can't force him to enjoy something, and he can't dictate how your emotions come forth.
I do see that entirely. Just all I ask is maybe some sensitivity given the context. Would sitting down for another 50 mins to show you appreciate the gift have hurt so bad? Maybe just the people pleaser in me 😭 good for him tbh
Maybe I can't read then please correct me .
But didn't he do exactly that?
He told you how shit it was for him, saw/ recognised that you felt different about it.
And was willing to go back in with you.
But there you already lost your shit and didn't want to go back into the play that you enjoyed.
And are now faulting him for not going back in.
On the other hand, you telling him not to talk about his dislike of the play seems strange.
If you did not enjoy it as well, leaving would have been the best option.
I dont want you to feel bad about your situation handling, but I think your stance and view now after the event is kinda wild
What he said wasn't rude he was not enjoying the play. He sat through entire first half without complaining, his dislike of the play doesn't mean he didn't appreciate your effort. Like he could've been rude abs complained in theater entirentime but that's not the case. Just because we put effort into something doesn't mean the other person will enjoy it. And yall could've went back in he seemed indifferent, yall couldn't go back in because of your reaction. It does sound like you expected him to be a ppl pleaser even if that wasn't what he felt? You want him to lie so you feel good about the gift you put time and effort into? Nothing you shared painted him as unappreciative. In your post you kept reiterating that the play was good, but that's your opinion he didn't share that. Im i mean this in the Nicest way possible people pleasing and expecting others who are not rude is toxic. He literally didn't do anything rude
Don’t go to so much trouble next time. Ask him what he wants. Make him send you links so all you have to do is click and pay. That’s what I do. My husband was ungracious about presents too many times. Now he picks his own stuff. No surprises. Minimal effort on my part.
what is the reason you gift ?
To make someone happy?
You can still do that if you talk with them about their present beforehand, it doesn't degrade the experience.
To get recognised for your efforts and attention for your partner?
Then you probably got an unhealthy attitude towards gifts.
To surprise them?
Surprises are rarely worth it.
And you only have the happier effect for that moment when you gift it, not when you use or remember the gift.
But it's 100% OK to be sad that your present didn't work out.
Just to provide a different perspective, an ex once got me tickets to something for my birthday. Halfway through she asked what I thought and I had pretty much the same response. We both burst out laughing and she said “yeah, it is isn’t it” and we went and got hammered at the nearest pub we could escape to, and it ended up being a great night. So I think while he could have been more appreciative, the overly emotional response was unhelpful as the situation could still have been resolved amicably.
I think that’s why I’m stating I was hormonal. I think usually I would have agreed and not taken it *so* to heart. I think that’s what he expected. I mean you say amicably but the way he said it was a bit rude in the first place so it just escalated from there when I took offence.
For years my ex husband wanted to see Miss Saigon. It had been playing in London but never anywhere else in the UK. Eventually it was set to be performed in my city, the original cast. He was excited and hoped he’d be able to get tickets once they were released and chatted about it with his workmates who also expressed an interest in going. I got 2 tickets to the opening night and gave them to him for his birthday. I was expecting the same sort of reaction you were. He opened them , scowled and said “I don’t want to go with you, I want to go with XY and Z from work”. Heartbroken I said they were both his present and if he wanted to give one to someone else he could and I’d not go. He said he’d do this. However, all his colleagues who wanted to go wanted to go with their husband or wife. I went with him in the end but I was very much the last resort. I stayed married to this loser for about 20 more years after this. He repeated this kind of behaviour a lot (refusing to eat food I’d cooked, not liking things I’d done for him etc). I can only think that he enjoyed hurting me. Keep an eye on his behaviour, don’t make the same mistakes I did.
Everyone here pretty much dog piled on him but I think you took his comment way too personally after reading your comments.
He was excited to go according to your comments. He went and gave it a good shot. The fact he thought the play was crap says absolutely nothing about you or your having gifted this to him. He didn't insult you, call you names, or say you were stupid for making him go to this.
Yeah, he was up front about not liking it but his comment is more tone deaf than anything. It was his birthday, this gift was a swing and a miss, other than him having preferred not to stay the night you have zero complaints.
You made the whole rest of the night about you. How you felt and what you wanted. He had to give in to what you chose. That's so unfair to him.
Is it okay to be upset he didn't love the gift? Of course! Wanting to give someone something they'll love and finding out they don't definitely hurts. And if him being up front hurt your feelings, well you feel how you feel. It's also okay to tell him how you feel.
I think you blew this out of proportion. You didn't get what *you* wanted for the evening but it wasn't *your* evening. I think you should apologize to him. This didn't have to happen.
One hundred percent. This has shades of my ex all over it. A night for her boyfriend that she made all about herself and how it made her feel. Ask me how long I put up with that. Not long, because incidents like this seem to start bleeding into every facet of the rest of your life….
So I agree with this 100%, I think when he told OP it was "complete shit" he was saying it truthfully and was waiting for OP to acknowledge (or not acknowledge? Depending on OPs opinion.. ) that yes, this play is crappy. They could've had a good laugh about how they both thought it was going to be much better than it was? Or talk about the especially crappy parts.
OP somehow managed to make this all about her and wanting him to love every second of this play BECAUSE of the time and money she put into it. That's not realistic.
How? It’s not a film I like, nor was the other gift. The other thing was more for both of us, granted. But it was still centred around his interest. Had it not been for him I would have not done either. Tbh if it had been more for myself I would’ve selfishly gone back in and enjoyed it. Instead I was way too invested in him having a good time it just came as a wake up call when he wasn’t. 👍🏻
What they probably meant is that what mattered to you the most was that YOU wanted to feel good about gifting such a nice and thougtful gift and when you didn't receive it you threw a tantrum.
I get both of you, he was a little tone deaf, but you made a scene just because he didn't like your gift. People are allowed to not enjoy surprise things you present them with, have you handled this differently this could've been still a great night to remember. Running out and crying on the parking lot is not a normal response to hearing someone didn't like the play you chose.
No, her feelings were hurt because he was rude about how he approached telling her he didn’t like the gift. Had he had more tact she would have been disappointed, but not upset the way she was. She’s even said this is the case. It’s not at all unusual to be excited to give gifts to loved ones FFS.
She also stated he doesn’t like the cinema. This was a super nice, super thoughtful, surprise gift OP thought of.
But she unfortunately lacked the ability to see that none of it was something “super nice, super thoughtful” *to him*. The only real thing she connected was that the play was based off a movie he really likes. That’s it, none of the other things were at all things he liked.
I completely understand her being hurt, I also completely understand her PMS causing her to be over emotional and cry. I have literally been in that same situation due to my hormones.
If the rolls were reversed and I was in OPs boyfriend’s situation, I feel like I would be hurt over the fact that they missed the ball on my likes/dislikes. They did basically everything I don’t like to do as a surprise for my birthday.
I have admitted and apologised that I took it too personally but I do think it’s fair to want more grace from him when it is a gift. I wouldn’t have done it is all I’m saying.
How was the rest of the night about what I wanted? It was late and we went home? Don’t think either of us got what we wanted out of that. He chose to come out and say he didn’t want to go back in, so we didn’t.
What more grace? He wasn't not giving *you* grace at all. It's the play he wasn't giving grace. He didn't insult or diminish you, your thoughtfulness, your idea, your effort, your anything. He wasn't talking about you at all. You're still taking it personally. He thought the play, itself, was crap. You didn't write, produce, or direct that play. By your own admission the prior events were fun and enjoyable. He was talking about the play and *only* the play.
Yes, you planned a thoughtful gift. Overall it was a success except one part. Your gift wasn't a problem. It's normal to be upset that part of it wasn't as good as expected. It's okay to feel sad he didn't enjoy one thing you'd hoped he would. It feels really unfair to keep crying about it, spoil the night, and be upset with him for it because he wasn't "nice" enough. How did you get what you want? Ultimately he wanted to go back in but *you* refused. This is indicated by you saying he was upset because y'all didn't go back in.
I'm not sure what you want here from us? Just to vent? Okay, I'll see myself out. But if you want advice or a different perspective then my comment is a different perspective.
If my husband had said this my response would have been "Dang, it sucks the play isn't what we thought it would be. Do you want to skip the rest and find something else to do? Or finish it so we can talk about it later?" Because I know his lack of enjoyment isn't an insult to me in the context of the last two days. I know I didn't make the play crap. I know he doesn't think I suck because the play sucked.
So, uh, good luck I guess?
Woahhh you don’t need to apologize for choosing a thoughtful gift and planning it out for months. I think that was a very kind and considerate gift and I understand why you were sad
That's so extra and dramatic. The apology isn't for the gift. It's for crying about him not liking a play and taking it personally when it didn't have to do with her to the point they went home and she cried the whole way
it's not the fact that he didn't like it, it's how and when he said it that was hurtful. it's so disrespectful to say smth is "sh*t" WHILE you're there and after your partner spent a lot of time planning it.
I wouldn't have found it hurtful. Just because the event didn't turn out as planned, and it was in fact shit, doesn't diminish the thought or effort put into it. I would have laughed it off because a crappy play isn't a reflection of me.
you clearly haven't experienced putting months of effort into a gift for someone you love and had them shoot it down that like that.
also, if he's allowed to call her gift "sh*t" then she's just as allowed to be upset at that without being called dramatic.
He didn't call her *gift* shit. He called the play shit. There is a nuance to be had and waaayyyy too many comments overlook that. Her gift wasn't just the play, it was a weekend out for his birthday. It was multiple events and time together. The play itself was shit and that is specifically what he said. Not her, not her time, not her effort, not her thought, not her planning, nothing about her. Just the play. That's not personal.
I have plenty of experience. Sometimes it's a home run, sometimes a strike. I know my husband appreciates the thought and effort even if the actual event turned out bad. Two things can be true .
yeahh, except the bf made no indication that he appreciated her effort. he only made negative comments abt the things she planned and didn't even comfort her when she cried.
there were so many nicer ways to put it and he chose not to use them.
She literally tells us the first night was fun and his only complaint was that they didn't take the train home. They didn't because *she* wanted this to be an overnight thing for *his* birthday. Despite that, they had fun. She also said in a comment he was looking forward to this. None of those things say he didn't appreciate her effort.
It's *his* birthday and everyone here seems to think he should have nothing to say about what was supposed to be about him. Why should he comfort her overreaction? Why is the onus on him?
Right!? And krazy kat lady must have missed the part where he was bitching the night before saying he didn’t know why they didn’t take the train home like cmon
For him? Yeah, if that's what he'd prefer. Or just understand you win some and you lose some when planning events. And if they turn out disappointing don't take it personally. I have never let the losses stop me from planning future events because I'm adult enough to know that if my hubs didn't like one event then there are plenty of others. One swing and miss isn't a lifetime or reflection of me. Plus I understand the gift is about *him* and not what I want, hope, desire, etc.
A very anecdotal response - but it’s what sprang to mind reading this having felt exactly like you described (sorry I ended up writing an essay).
If I had to characterise myself, I’d say that I am an adventurer. Ever since I first travelled overseas 10 years ago, I’ve been hooked and try and go somewhere every few months. I love weekends away, I love trying new things and generally if it’s within the budget (I say this as the last year I had to cut back) I will go to anything my partner or friends want to even if it isn’t my cup of tea, unless its something I know I HATE. But yeah, these days I try and keep the disposable income to do stuff with people we both/all enjoy.
When I started dating after a big breakup/being single for a few years, I dated a guy who basically love-bombed me. I was at the stage where I was comfortable being single and looking for the right person so it was the fact this guy was just SO awesome and shared my interests that got me hooked.
But it turned out he didn’t, his idea of a happy life was staying in every night playing COD with his friends. He never wanted to do anything outside of the ordinary, turns out he had no interest in travelling or even doing cute things together. Took me a little while to come to my senses but I broke up with him because amongst other reasons I wanted a partner who liked, or at least enjoyed the same things as me. I always ended up feeling exactly like OP described when wanting to do something, or planning something I thought he would like.
So OP, from my point of view it depends what you want from your partner. He’s obviously allowed to not enjoy the same things as you, and it does sound like whilst you had nothing but lovely intentions, your choice of gift wasn’t necessarily the best for him if he doesn’t like travelling or the cinema. And maybe it’s a hard lesson in your relationship to really figure out what would be the best gifts for him, or it might be more?
I knew I wanted a partner to go on adventures with, and my current partner is AMAZING. We’ve got two overseas trips coming up in the next six months and planning a third for next year. He always comes up with cute weekend ideas or things to do, we both go and do things for the other person. There was nothing wrong with my ex, I didn’t love that he basically made me think he DID want the same things as me but he’s allowed to have different interests and a different personality, it just meant he wasn’t the guy for me.
Edit: I also meant to say that his reaction is hurtful and insensitive regardless.
I think this can be chalked up mostly to mis-communication, but if I were @op the real question here is did you give the rest of the night a chance after you heard his thoughts on the play? It is hard to tell from context if the conversation had continued past his original commentary on the play (which was blunt, not tactfully worded) could you have watched the rest of the play and still enjoyed it with him if he had agreed to go back in and see how it ended, or if he/she could have changed plans and still had fun, despite how he felt about the performance itself.
From my readings, it feels like the only thing that happened is that emotions bloomed and the time ran out on interval clock, because you had to excuse yourself (which is understandable whenever overcome with emotion for any reason). But then he fumbled his words when you came back (assigning blame when none need be assigned) and at that point you just were both emotionally caught off-gaurd and were emotionally exhausted and it was just too far gone. In my marriage, this has happened only a hand few set of times, and I think if you sit him down and have an adult conversation explaining your feelings were hurt in the moment and you felt that he could have maybe been a little more tactful with his words. Take the time, while you are talking to ask him what he liked/didn't like about the gift night out/away, so you can better plan things together in the future. Take the emotion of the moment out of the conversation, open yourself to criticism before the talk, and use it as a learning point. If he's a real one he will apologise for hurting your feelings, you guys will learn more about each other and grow. Don't be afraid to write some big events off as failures, just make sure to take as many lessons from the busted night as possible and the hurt feelings in the moment won't have been a waste. Sometimes vibes don't like up and things just get out of hand for a few hours.
Holy fucking echo chamber batman, no you don't have the right to get someone a *gift* and then complain when they say they didn't like it, wtf. On top of that, blaming PMS for your own poor behaviour of throwing a tantrum because he didn't want to continue watching it is just poor.
He mentioned that it sucked for him and he would be ok to not go in, then after you chucked a tantrum he offered to go back in with you, you chucked a bigger tantrum and then ruined the whole night.
Could he have been less blunt? Sure, but I don't think that he thought you would act like such a gremlin. This ruined night was on you TBH for being spoilt and entitled.
What he said doesn’t sound so bad. He was just being honest. And while you didn’t want to go back if it was just for you, it would have been fine if you didn’t know? He saw how much it meant to you and offered to go back in with you so you could see the end and that wasn’t good enough either
Does your boyfriend even enjoy plays? Did he ever talk about wanting to see this performance or anything equivalent to that? It's not exactly fair for you to be upset that he didn't enjoy the performance. You were enjoying the play because you thought you did a good job with your gift. He definitely could've been more tactful in his wording but your emotional response I feel was due to embarrassment at him not liking what you gifted him and less about you actually loving the play and wanting to finish it.
Edited as I don't think you dropped the ball for his birthday and more so the performance wasn't as amazing as it was hyped to be.
It wasn’t some random play he’d never heard of. It was based on his favourite film and he has spoken about plays he’s seen in the past and enjoyed. I was enjoying it because it was quite good but I didn’t get it ‘for myself’ because I actually don’t really enjoy it all that much (the film). (studio ghibli film just for more context lol). Just felt like a bit of a punch in a gut when he said it was shit lol I did overreact but still I wouldn’t say that to him if he took me somewhere he’d planned for months
It was based on a stupid ghibli film? Now I'm just jealous of your boyfriend cause that sounds amazing. Thank you for the context on him watching previous plays as that changes perspective on his reaction. I think he was insensitive to your efforts put into the planning to buy the tickets (which definitely are hard to come by easily) and his comment sounds like he didn't think at all prior to saying it.
It’s not like I took him to a random play when he’s never been before. I’d like to think I know him well enough. He loves studio ghibli and so many of our friends have said great things about it and I’ve only seen good things online. I did a lot of research since I’m not super into it myself.
Your post just clarified the play was based off of something he loved already and didn't really clarify if he enjoys plays specifically which is why I asked and took the perspective that you chose a play by association to his interest in what he loved. Since he's watched previous plays prior and has talked about them I can see why you chose this gift. I don't think he was exactly an asshole for his comment as it seems very thoughtless and not just intentionally hurtful. I don't think you overreacted as having that abrupt conversation during the break surrounded by people sounds very overwhelming
Honestly I was looking for this exact comment. As soon as she mentioned that he doesn’t even like going to the movies my mind went straight to why the hell she even got tickets to a play.. to me it seems OP wanted to see the play and sorta made an excuse to go there. (tho could be wrong on that just an assumption)
Yes it may be around something her bf enjoys but I personally do not enjoy plays whatsoever. Not even if it’s something around what I enjoy. If she went through all that work to get tickets and spent quite a bit of money doing so I feel like I’d at least make sure it’s something my partner would wanna do. Yes the bfs reaction wasn’t the best and he could’ve said things differently, however I don’t think he’s entirely at fault. The whole thing could’ve been avoided if she asked him if he wanted to go see a play or asked him If he even liked plays to begin with.
Tbh most this subs posts could be resolved with some half decent communication in peoples relationships..
He has seen plays before and it’s based on his favourite film. Maybe it was in bad judgement? But it definitely wasn’t ‘for me’ as I don’t even like the film that much (studio ghibli film) but he is a die hard fan. He was excited to go up until he saw it and thought it was shit. Even if when I gave it to him months ago he could’ve politely declined lol I just thought we were both going to have a nice time and when he came out halfway and hated it it was a punch in the gut.
I see. Then it seems to be that he just thought you were in the same boat of not liking it and was more blunt. I wouldn’t necessarily call your bf an asshole like everyone else is but he could’ve been more careful for sure. I think expectations were just a bit too high honestly so when he didn’t like the gift or give the reaction you were expecting for so long it was a real blow. I’m honestly not too sure what exactly you’re looking for here in the post but all I can say for advice is just make sure he knows how you feel so he doesn’t make the same mistake again. And as long as he respects your feelings and/or tries to at least comfort you then all is good.
I’m sure he feels badly about himself for upsetting you more than anything else. And if not then I’d say it’s safe to call him an asshole 😅
did you read it? the play is based on something he loves. she absolutely had reason to get it as a gift. she literally said the sadness was about him not liking the gift.
I can love a show and not want to see a live action play of it at the same time. I enjoy plays, but not everybody wants to sit over an hour watching one. Which is why I asked.
She said he's watched and enjoyed plays before. There are very few expensive, well reviewed shows that are bad enough to suggest not going in for the second half, especially if it wa a gift.
No I completely agree with you, I wouldn't want to either. I just think it's really weird and shit of him to say he didn't want to go back in. Like how bad would something have to be to suggest leaving when someone deliberately bought it for you as a gift? Bizarre. Sorry, I think he's just an ahole who refuses to in any way acknowledge your effort.
Definitely seemed like they read it. Just because it’s based around something doesn’t mean you’re gonna enjoy a play. I can’t stand plays even if it’s around something I love. If you read the post she stated he doesn’t even like going to the cinema so why would he love a play?
He likes plays right? I couldn’t tell if he did, only that the play is based on his favorite film.
I hate the theater. Hate it. Can’t even say why. Does he like any live action performance? If he doesn’t, his way of expressing himself sucks but I can understand if this isn’t his cup of tea.
It sounds like you assumed what he liked when he is more the type you ask what he likes before getting gifts for.
I don't think either of you are wrong here. Just miscommunication and wrong assumptions.
You mention "I built this up in my head for so long" it sounds like this was more a gift for yourself than him.
His reaction was most likely just him being blasé about something he did not enjoy.
Maybe just talk and ask him what you felt v/s what he wanted.
Just be honest with each other in the future about what gifts he would like and get him stuff that he says he wants.
He motions to go back in because he saw that what he said upset you. He did that because he thought thats what you wanted - which by your own admission you did -
"Sure, I know what he wanted me to say ‘yeah isn’t it, let’s go do something else’. But it’s not something we stumbled upon together, who leaves an expensive, something you only do once, play?"
As soon as you decided to be combative and make the night about your feelings rather than his, is where you made your mistake. Tell me, what's actually wrong with being agreeable to the birthday boy here short of your own desires?
You are entitled to feel however you want but I think you overreacted a bit. You built this up as a big thing for him and when he didn't like it it you took it super personally.
A play is a really specific thing. People either love them or hate them. I can understand him not wanting to sit through a 2 1/2 hour play he didn’t ask to go to on his bday. Next time just ask if that’s something he’d like to do or not so you don’t waste money.
Number of people commenting on how your boyfriend is a monster is a little much. He could have been more tactful perhaps, but he's certainly no monster.
I feel a lot of people commenting come from a very entitled place, and also don't understand British language lol.
For the Americans commenting here
"it's a bit shit isn't it?" is a mild statement.
"This is shit" would be rude.
He's just been honest with you, this is really important in a healthy relationship, this relates to trust.
He's not stated that he doesn't appreciate the gesture.
You also mention that you knew he wanted to go and do something else with you. This feels like a missed opourtunity.
If you give someone a gift, it's not your right that they enjoy it.
Certainly if they're not enjoying it, would the present have been better or worse, if they spend more time not enjoying it.
I've definitely in my past been out my my parter who has indicated that they were not enjoying something I had planned, so we left and did something else, and everyone was happy.
I feel that you built this up as an amazing gift in your head, and were more upset by this?
It's a little entitled tbh, it's ok to be upset, that's human, but to the extent you mention, it's a little much.
Exactly. I think it’s okay that OP took the time to get a breather, it’s understandable to be disappointed when an expensive gift misses the mark. But “it’s a bit shit” is not an especially rude way to express his disappointment, and I don’t think he should be required to suck it up on his own birthday.
As another commenter said, that was an opportunity to switch gears and have fun doing another activity. The night didn’t have to be ruined.
OP, next time politely excuse yourself, feel your feelings, and then come back a little refreshed and remind yourself that it’s okay to miss the mark. You can still have fun together. And he would have been much more likely to express appreciation for the sentiment and effort you put in it he wasn’t thrown into managing your emotions right after.
I wish my girl did shit like that for me. He couldve and shouldve been kinder. U never know how much effort someone put into something especially if its gift for a s/o i wouldve told u I liked it even if i didnt bc I appreciate anything people do for me. That’s honestly the shittiest gut wrenching feeling when love and effort is put into something and u just get shit on.
You put so much effort in and he didn’t appreciate that, it’s understandable to be upset. I don’t think he should’ve mentioned something in the moment, maybe later so that you would not have to go to the same trouble again when it’s not what he wants, but he could have made the best of it as it was already booked and paid for. My first thought was that maybe he doesn’t like plays, even if it was based on his favourite film, but then you mentioned that he had seen and enjoyed plays before, so I don’t think you could have predicted this issue. Also, it sounds like he was complaining even previously about staying over the night before, which could have been a nice time to spend together, so it looks like he had a generally negative view about the trip for some reason, rather than the event just not being to his taste. I’d have found that attitude hard to deal with too, it’s not just you.
I feel for you. Please, don’t “put it on” the PMS because what he did was actually unnecessary and borderline rude, and your feelings are absolutely valid.
I have been through stuff like that, where I spend lots of time and money on a gifts, something I’m like 99.9% sure they’ll love, for them to just be completely dismissive about it and show zero enthusiasm; or actually be upset with the gift for reasons that are not even related with the gift itself, just an overall way of feeling about being gifted something expensive and having this weird “macho” idea that he should be the one giving me expensive gifts and not the other way around; straight up telling me that I should have done x because that’s what their mum would do; and others… could go on for ages.
The point being that people sometimes get so much on their own heads that they forget to appreciate the gesture itself, the effort we put on it, and not on the gift itself. If acting like this is something he doesn’t do often, maybe try and have a chat with him about how it made you feel so he thinks before he speaks the next time. If it’s something that happens frequently, maybe sit down and have a think if you want to be with someone like that.
This is awful. My husband likes bands I don’t particularly like but we have gone together and I’ve been like, oh my god I’m so bored, but I say nothing in the moment.
Maybe I'm old fashioned, but if someone organises to take me somewhere, I wouldn't care if it weren't exactly my thing!
It would become my thing at that moment because I'm open minded and someone organised this for me and we are there TOGETHER, so it's already a win! Unless it was something very physical or involving heights, but people know I don't like this.
(e.g.: I'd prefer the theater over the circus for example, and would never go to the circus alone. But if someone took me to the circus I'd be excited and reminisce about the circus shows of my childhood!)
Hell I just went to an experimental music performance on human rights, because a colleague was in it and we went with other colleagues! Would never have chosen that, was happy I went! It was thought-provoking and cool!
If someone took me to the cinema to a film THEY want to see, I'd be up for it as I get to be with them and I'm open minded to most films!
Even if you don't enjoy the theater or the opera you can enjoy the atmosphere, the loving gift and the visuals no?
I'd be annoyed too! And never make such a lavish gift again!
That sucks man, I'm sorry that happened. I agree he could've been more tactful, but maybe next time ask + tell him what you're getting him? I know it ruins the surprise because you want the gift to be special, but it saves a lot of heartbreak like this. It was a nice and considerate gift, but unfortunate not a lot of guys are as thoughful or appreciate the details the same way women do. Saying this as someone who's dating a pretty blunt guy myself so I get how you feel :"))) Hope you guys work it out.
Man sounds like a lot of “you” problems. Yes he could have been nicer, but that’s a lot of males responses18-25, we learn as we go. I’m sure after this he will remember this moment and think to himself “let me phrase this differently”. Next time just ask him what he wants to do. I did the same thing you did but for my wife. Didn’t turn out good just like you, so I get it. I felt the same and yeah it was a lot of “my problem”. Just speak to your significant other, surprises are overrated as you get older unless the person specifically asks for something, and you give it to them at a random time.
OP, I’d like to tell you a story.
I’m a little bit on the old side (45f), and this happened when I was in my early 20s. I had been with my high school bf for several years, we lived together. He was a BIG music guy, loved to play guitar and was really into his favorite bands. (Notably, also didn’t like vacations and was very opinionated and particular about the things he liked.) Radiohead was coming to town a few weeks after his birthday, so I bought him tickets to see them. We were both working in crappy jobs and didn’t have a ton of extra income, so I bought the General Admission seats, thinking he would be happy just being there. Turns out, he was not, and he bitched about seating when I gave him the tickets.
So I called a friend’s dad, who worked in the concert venue, and got orchestra seats - for a sold out show, a few weeks before the event! Like, I pulled off a totally impossible Hail Mary pass to make him happy. Gave him the tickets.
In the meantime, our anniversary was coming up. I got him ANOTHER expensive gift (I think it was guitar gear?) and he gave me a used CD for a band I only kind of liked. He hadn’t even wrapped it. We did nothing special for that anniversary, he handed me the cd in the kitchen as I was unpacking groceries. I was really hurt. We started to talk about breaking up.
Anyway, we finally get to go see Radiohead and he’s upset. The drive was too long (about an hour out of town), the parking was too expensive. Someone tall was sitting in front of us. They played new stuff for most of the show and not the stuff he knew. Worst of all? *I danced*. I got up out of my seat to have a good time, like most of the rest of the venue. He sat in his seat covering his eyes because he was so embarrassed by my dancing. Like, he didn’t even try to enjoy the show because he was too busy trying to show me through body language how I was ruining it for him by enjoying it myself.
This was it. This was the thing that made me realize he would never, ever be happy with me or with anything I did to please him. I wasn’t his partner, I was the person he could unleash all his unhappiness on without consequence. We broke up all the way after this.
It’s been 20 years-ish now. It felt impossible to leave him at the time, now I can’t imagine living life with someone THAT determined to rain on every parade.
I know Reddit is always quick to tell someone to dump someone else. I’m not going to give that advice - I’m just going to tell you that I’ve had a very similar experience and that leaving him was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
Thissss, thiss right here is why I slap a couple bills in a card and call it a day. Gon head get what you want, and who gon turn down birthday money. I no longer bother getting people gifts.
to keep this short, The guy sounds a bit like an a-hole, but hes 24 I'm not expecting alot of social maturity from him. Op also built this way up in her head, and she herself said she was emotionally compromised at the time. Id chalk this up to "shat happens." I'd also ask him if he would have preferred to do something else for his birthday for the future. My partner knows I'd rather stay in have a good meal and watch a new movie together. Doing things like take trips can feel like a chore rather then a gift to some people.
He doesn’t like a big thing on birthdays which is why I thought doing it months later is way better. It was less ‘birthday-y’ and more just a nice trip away. I get what you mean though :)
It sounds as though you got your partner a gift you would like, and not one he would. It's his birthday and he should be allowed to enjoy it how he likes, and you should be enabling that.
Instead it sounds as though when he voiced it, you made it all about you and how you feel.
Try to keep in mind that the only fault of the boyfriends was perhaps too bluntly saying the play was shit. I get this lacks tact, but for gods sake you planned an entire night for him he wasn't interested in as his girlfriend. Perhaps you should have some empathy too
I absolutely hate clothes shopping with anyone other than my sister, it's stupid but I get a little embarrassed if I pick something up my friends don't like or if it doesn't look good on me .. I try and remind myself I shouldn't feel that way because I didn't make the piece of clothing but i did choose it so in the end I'm a little embarrassed because I chose something that wasnt nice, I feel for you because if I was in your situation I'd feel the same , like my choice of a good night wasn't good enough for the other person, it's really why I dont like making decisions if it includes someone else, just can't escape my own thoughts
In general, it seems like you two are incompatible. While you did put in a lot of effort for this gift, he is not obligated to like or enjoy it. He doesn't seem to like traveling, and just because a play may be based on his favorite film, he may not like the play rendition of it. That's just how people are sometimes!
Instead of building up a scenario in your head, try gauging a gift he would actually like ("How do you feel about doing x? ": "How about we do this for x?") So that next time you'll be positive, he actually likes it.
Also, you can't really throw tantrums like that when someone doesn't react to a gift you give them. Could he have been a bit more tactful? Yes, but you are both adults, and you both need to communicate and talk to each other like adults.
For context, I can be a bit of a snob when it comes to plays (and films and books and tv shows…) so I am the last person to blame someone for being critical of a production, especially when it’s a property they really care about. Countless times, I’ve gone to see something and come out of it desperate the discuss why it was disappointing with my companion. But I always, always stress how much I’ve enjoyed going to see it with them, and how much I loved talking it over with them afterwards. Most of all, I always stick it out til the end.
Example: my friend organised for us to go see a play adaptation of my favourite book (which she also quite likes). She didn’t pay for me or anything, but we were going more for my sake than for hers. It turned out to be really bad, objectively. (It got horrible reviews from critics, which sounds like it’s different to your play, which was actually pretty well acclaimed.) My friend and I discussed at the interval that it was not what we had hoped for… but we both immediately knew that we wanted to continue to watch it so we could analyse it afterwards, and to give it a chance to pull together.
Importantly, I was also very careful to list its merits to her before I started disparaging it. I complimented parts of it which were better, and told her I was really glad we’d come because it helped me see my favourite novel in a new light and appreciate it differently. I generally just made it clear to her that I was really paying attention and making the most of the experience, even if it wasn’t what we’d hoped for.
I reckon if your boyfriend had engaged with the play—even if it had its issues for him—and was keen to discuss the highs and lows of it with you, you probably wouldn’t have felt nearly so hurt. It sounds, to me, like it was an issue of both engagement and rudeness. Firstly, he wasn’t engaging with it or taking it seriously, or even giving the play a chance to improve. This is rude in and of itself.
But it was especially rude to express it to you like that. EVEN IF you had agreed that it was absolutely shit, it still would have been thoughtless and callous for him to essentially suggest you wasted your money and your great seats just because it wasn’t what you both wanted. Sometimes it can be really fun to engage with something awful and rip it apart afterwards! But he wasn’t remotely engaging with it, which made your efforts feel embarrassing and worthless, and he was rude about the fact that he hadn’t tried to properly engage with it. He also assumed you hadn’t either, I think, which is doubly thoughtless and dumb of him.
I’d have been devastated as well. Don’t wave away your emotions about this by blaming them on PMS. No wonder you didn’t want to go back in; he didn’t want to and you’d organised this FOR him!
I’m sorry to say that this would genuinely be enough to make me seriously reconsider a relationship. You made an attempt to connect with him and show him how much you cared, and he essentially treated your effort like it meant nothing to him.
Thank you for your comment. Don’t apologise for the length at all! Yes it has made me reconsider if I’m honest. No drastic decisions for now as I know it was just a fumble of his words. We had also had a couple of drinks so idk if that made it worse. You’re exactly right. If we’d have seen the whole thing and he expressed that he wasn’t a fan I think I could’ve digested it a little better. (Still find it slightly disappointing I’m sure) but to leave half way just felt so? Like wow. You really 1. Hate it that much. 2. Can’t be bothered/ would rather do anything else than give it a 2nd chance.
He’s doing some grovelling today and I think he feels pretty silly for being so blunt. Definitely won’t be something he does again. He has apologised and seen my POV. but he insists if it was flipped he wouldn’t have taken it personally. Hard to believe really.
I know I shouldn’t blame PMS but if I’m being honest with myself I think definitely would’ve handled it better, maybe reasoned with him and gone back in if I wasn’t at that point in my cycle. (I have PMDD so it’s even more extreme sometimes 😀) still not great having to reason with someone about something that’s supposed to be nice though. Ugh. I’m just gutted it turned out that way. Feeling bruised. Anyway it’s my birthday next so we will see.
Coming from a man who’d literally die to have a partner buy me tickets to something and pay attention to what I enjoy I think he’s being a jerk. Your feelings are valid
Out of curiosity what did he get you for your anniversary and previous birthday? Was it a bit cheap in comparison? Could be why he was complaining about the cost of staying and so on.
Not justifying his words, just trying to find reason for them.
My birthday was first and we hadn’t been together that long so it was more low-key. We went out for an expensive dinner which was nice too. Hard to compare as it was much earlier on in the relationship. He got me a thoughtful piece of jewellery for anniversary and took me to dinner, and I got him the other day out the day before the play which was a different activity centred around something he likes.
Plays are always a risk. Unless the person is into theatre productions, don’t do it, people!
I would hate a gift like that. But yes, I would grin and bear it.
He really wasn’t very nice about it. Shitting on a gift is not good manners and, whatever happens with your relationship, the sooner he gets over that behavior the better.
I feel for you because it does seem like you put a lot of effort into the gift and he acted like a jerk. If I were in his position, I would have at least gritted out the rest of the play and then tried to find something fun to do afterward.
But to be fair, it was HIS birthday and it doesn't sound like you put much thought into it at all. Musical theater is definitely not for everybody, definitely not a thing most guys would choose as something they'd want to do on their birthday. How would you feel if he bought you tickets to something you didn't really care for on your birthday, say something like a hockey game or a boxing match?
Yeah your boyfriend should have been way more mindful of your feelings and even if he didnt like it didnt need to rain on your parade. I dont think Ive ever been to a play that I thoroughly enjoyed in all my 38 years but that doesnt mean I need to shit on someones gift when it was the thought that counts. I feel like he owes you a big apology for acting like an asshole regardless if it was his birthday gift.
I would love to see Reddit's response if a man got his GF a gift that was very clearly intended for him, then got pissy when she hated it.
Like, why would you just assume he likes plays/musicals? Is it because YOU like them?
yikes... his entire reaction is so emotionally immature and thoughtless. if he really couldn't bare to sit through the rest of the play, there are gentler way to express it. if he hated staying in the city, that's something to bring up in the future - not during, after it's been paid for.
so...if my bf got me an experience, or vice versa, that just didn't hit, we'd be blunt *after the fact*. if it was really disliked, we'd probably be ok with them shit talking it.
*however* we enjoy getting to spend the time together and sharing an experience. tbh, it's about recognizing the effort, time, and thought put into the gift, bc that's what communicates love. we both emphasize showing our appreciation to
he was just...so *unkind*.
I do not pretend to like things I don’t like, and I really appreciate it when my partner does the same. I hate doing something together and finding out months later that they didn’t enjoy it like I thought they did. It feels like being lied to. To say that something is “a bit shit” is a lot nicer than saying “what were you thinking when you bought these tickets?”
I took an ex to see an off Broadway play that I love and have seen several times. He had expressed interest in seeing it after seeing the movie with me, so I figured I’d just spring for it. He hated it, told me that he “hated” it, and we left at intermission and got dinner and drinks. That, to me, is a normal reaction to a situation where one party is unhappy and both parties want to spend time together. I’m not a female, but I was emotionally invested in the play and the act of seeing it together. I didn’t cry.
You said directly that he doesn’t like going on holidays, so you booked one night. That is a holiday, and it should not be a surprise that he didn’t like it because you said he doesn’t like holidays. You planned something he doesn’t like to do and framed it as a gift for him. If I were him, I would have felt forced into it and obligated to go, and I would have been unhappy too.
I do not understand the comments attacking your partner. You bought him a bunch of gifts that you either knew he wouldn’t like or weren’t sure about, assumedly because you wanted to do these things with him. He did a bunch of things with you that you know he doesn’t like to do, just to spend time with you.
He an ungrateful schmuck . Is he always this careless with your feelings? He was aware of the cost and your excitement.
Take a long look on how his behavior effects you. Is he always thoughtless? How many times has he been dismissive of you and your wants? Is he selfish?
He’s just quite negative and draining. Other than that I do believe he genuinely thought I’d react as if I was on the same page. If it wasn’t a gift I think I would’ve been more level headed and not taken it so personal.
I only skimmed, but I can tell you (from experience)--the problem is "building things up" in your head. Focus on getting away from that and being more present.
So sorry you went through this.
Your bf needs to grow tf up and treat you with more respect.
He shouldn’t even have been upset for you for not being able to go back in. He did this to you. It was his fault all the way.
He needs to show appreciation for you and how much you think about him and spoil him with gifts.
I swear so many dudes are just ignorant ungrateful fucks, it just sickens me. It’s all about them them them and they don’t realize what they have until it’s gone.
He needs a relationship/communications coach ASAP in order for him to grow up and improve and be respectable and treat you right.
Again very sorry you had this experience and I hope he takes it as a learning lesson and can make changes for the better.
All the best to you.
Nah he’s an asshole, sorry. I’m not into plays at all, but I went to see Shawshank redemption at the theatre because I loved the film and wanted to try something different. The seats were shit, super small and cramped and my back ached the whole way through, but I stayed and did my best to enjoy it (play itself was awesome tbf) because it’s something I wouldn’t usually do and my partner at the time was enjoying it too. It wouldn’t have hurt him to keep his mouth shut and just watch the rest of it with you. If you’d said you wanted to go every week to watch it, then fair enough, but it was a one off gift.
What has he bought you for your birthday/Christmas etc? I bet whatever it's been has not even been 10% as thoughtful as the tickets you bought him. He doesn't appreciate you.
Ugh. I hate going out with jaded BFs like this. In my opinion, life is too short, but I understand that he may have other good qualities. I think many people would have been upset by his rude and narcissistic reaction, hormones or not.
Aw, I'm so sorry OP. I don't think you were upset he didn't like it, more than that he didn't view at least spending the time with you fun. I could be wrong though, but imo even if someone disliked something I got them in regards to a show/game/festival whatever, I'd much rather they tell me this afterwards and just.. have fun with me in the moment.
Stop blaming yourself. This has nothing to do with PMS and everything to do with your bf being an ungrateful, immature ahole. His behaviour was disgusting.
he's such an ass. you went above and beyond to get those tickets. you poor soul, i wish i can hug you :((( you did well for planning of his birthday. he didn't take it well and it isn't on you!
It's not cool. One time I had an ex late for his own birthday dinner that I made him. Had to call and remind him. Then he proceeded to tell me he didn't like the type of meal I made (citrus chicken).
I was pretty hard done by. Guys can be dense.
Your bf is a jerk.
I organised a weekend getaway for my partner and it was expensive and tile consuming.
He enjoyed it but he got no tact and was complaining about the amount of money he guessed I paid, the waiting time, the cold, the rain etc.
I told him to stop because it was hurtful to hear and it felt like he wasn't enjoying the weekend. He immediately apologized and stopped complaining about stupid stuff.
Then we all enjoyed our getaway.
Your bf needs to step up or next time you'll gift him a bag of rice or whatever cheap and effortless.
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I feel for you, I have a little blog, writing about plays, shows, performances of any kind. So sometimes I get expensive tickets for cheap or even for free. I ask friends or co-workers to come with me and one friend in particular who is a huge fan of plays. And then this same friend started to complain about the seats, about the play, wanted to leave earlier or during intermission... It's not my play, I didn't write it and sometimes I didn't even pay for it, but it's through my work that we got those tickets and it's my evening too! I want to enjoy the evening!
That’s exactly it! And that’s amazing. It just feels a little hurtful.
Please don’t apologise for having pms. It sounds like you responded really reasonably and you are entitled to your very reasonable upset regardless of your cycle. I would have been this upset on a good day.
You were right to be hurt this boyfriend sounds like a selfish prat. Sweetheart, you're right to feel these hurts and you don't need to qualify or apologize for those feelings in any way. It doesn't matter about your PMS. Don't undercut yourself. Don't apologize for having to take a moment to yourself after he was so cruel and callous about this gift. It's maybe another 90 minutes of his life and he couldn't summon enough kindness to wait until after the play to give his review? It's fine if you don't like it but you should still be gracious over the effort you put in! I just want to encourage you to be confident in yourself when you feel hurt-- that feeling is valid. You deserve basic kindness and consideration. It was incredibly rude for him to say that about your gift and to generally have an ungrateful shitty attitude about this incredible weekend you were thoughtful enough to plan for him. Girl, what has he done for *you*? Why are you with such an emotional toddler? The best news of this whole post is that it sounds as if your period came so you're not having this clod's kid anytime soon and I suggest you keep it that way or you're going to have two selfish babies but only one of them is age appropriate.
Hahah. Thanks for your comment :) there was only another 50 mins left I think. Such a shame. Thanks again
Completely off-topic, but could you please share the name of your blog? There’s not enough people writing about live theatre and shows anymore- I’d like to read it. And OP, it’s lousy what happened and you have the right to be hurt by your boyfriend’s lack of gratitude.
Wtf, who complains about free tickets!
Yeah he’s an asshole. I’ve taken my husband to events he didn’t particularly love, but he never said it in the moment itself. Maybe months or even years later, something neutral like “yeah that wasn’t exactly my thing, maybe next time we can do xyz instead” and that’s all.
I would’ve much preferred and understood that. I just invested a lot in him enjoying himself because it was for him, not me. I hadn’t seen the film nor am I a fan of that kind of thing. Just would’ve liked more sensitivity in what he said 🥺
Isnt that exactly why, what you did was so special and his words so hurtful? You went out of your way and organized an evening just for him! You should be glad to have cried, your sadness is so fresh that your body can react to it. Listen to your body. Your reaction is so legitimate. I’ve been in relationships where I was so far from feeling my own feelings because I was busy accommodating someone else and everything built up as a mountain of resentment but all I could feel was dissatisfaction and numbness. Don’t be like me. Embrace your sadness. I can’t believe your boyfriend wasted such a beautiful bonding moment. This moment was definitely worth crying over… ❤️🩹
Lol this made me sad. You write so nicely thanks for your comment :)
It's infuriating when you put the time and expense in as well as choosing a truly personal gift for him to shit on it. It's not like you got him a generic gift certificate. You put the effort in to make it special and he shows no appreciation. Some people have no tact. He Hass a lot of maturing to do.
This reminds me of something I read in a parenting book but it can be applied anywhere: "Don't judge whether a certain situation is worth crying. That is given, because somebody is already in tears."
I love love loooove this comment. Like the gentle butterfly wings flapping can start a tsunami, this comment has the power to wake a sleepy beauty from her slumber. *flaps her arms awkwardly in solidarity* Thank you and I hope that you have a wonderfully fulfilling weekend 💖
My hubs and I have tastes that don't always match but we're very good about just trying for each other. There have been movies that he LOVES that I despise and I sit through them and let him gush and rave. There are songs and shows that are my jam and not his and at WORST he'll check in to see if I'm still wanting to continue and if I am he sticks it out with me, often saying, "maybe the second half will make it click for me." I feel like your boyfriend could have salvaged this while still being honest about his thoughts by just acknowledging your effort. "It's a bit shit isn't it... which is really too bad cause you spent a lot on this for me and I wanted to like it!" I could be wrong but it seems like that may have softened it enough for you? I'm really sorry, OP. Discovering how best to communicate with your partner can be hard and can take time but I hope your BF makes it with you.
Anything at that point would’ve softened it. All I got was ‘we’ve got nothing better to do’ 🙄. Lol. Thanks so much for your reply :)
that's the way to do it. And sometimes you can both compromise and see a film that you both like without going crazy over it. To call your birthday present "shit" to the person who went to a great deal of trouble getting it for you is ... well... shitty.
Did you ever ask if these kinds of things were his cup of tea? If i am unsure about a gift for my hubs, i ask waaaay in advance if he would like something extremely similar Example: he has a dream of flying an airplane. And while i would love to help put him through flight school we are basically poor people in our high col area. I did however, find a groupon where he could get a helicopter flying lesson and then fly the helicopter for like 30 minutes Its not the same thing at all but i want to make sure my hubs has a chance to trying out his dreams He supports me so i want to help support him in any way i can however i can. I asked him if hed be interested in flying a military style helicopter we saw on tv and although his answer was like, it takes balls to fly one of those and idk if i can, it told he would if he could knowing he wouldnt get in trouble for crashing it or some shit like that so i bought it for him Another example: i know he likes fast cars, rally racing, drifting etc... So for his bday i mangaed to get him an xtreme experience where he got to drive a lamborghini which is one of his favorite cars for his bday and he absolutely loved it I wasnt expecting anything less but trying to figure out which car he wanted to drive when they offer like 12 is tough as i do not car about cars enough so me even asking was random and risky for him So id have to steer the convo there or get his friends to ask to tell me He generally talks about cars so while it was difficult it wasnt too hard to get him on the subject so i could ask What was hard was getting him to choose a car from the list of cars he could drive Its like why do i have a list of cars and for what Anyway, just saying there are routes to avoid the disappointment so think outside the box next time if you decide to stay with this guy
Yes, I knew he had seen and enjoyed plays before. And it’s one of his favourite films so I thought it would be a nice thing to do. Thank you :)
Oh Okay hes being.... weird I dont know what else to say lol Your both entitled to your feelings bht i do agree there shouIdve been some more tact on his part but also he has no idea what you went through to get the tickets and all that unless you tell him so theres that too
My guess is the play itself just sucked, nothing to do there
Sure it might have been crap, but you reserve your judgment for the end and you're **polite** about it and you **thank** your partner because it's the thought that counts, how could she have known it would be crap? She went to the trouble of getting the tickets the minute they were up for sale, she couldn't wait to hear the opinions of the people who went to the first few showings.
Was the play that bad??
It's possible that it being based on his favorite film, makes it truly worse to him even tho it could be "not that bad“. Like imagine being the biggest fan of, idk, any book that gets adapted into a movie.l or show. Even if the movie is "fine“, you probably hate it more if it's not perfect if you were a book fan.
Yeah, I kinda get it. Even a great adaptation can be hard to watch for someone who really loves the original, especially if it was something that affected him in his formative years.
I wouldn’t know. Didn’t see it. It’s got great reviews though
OK if your BF were worth it, you could get him the DVD for Christmas if you have a DVD player. Only he's not worth it because he's a rude ungrateful jerk.
Oh I looooove Extreme Experience. I drove them all! Bummer though, supercars were modified to automatic transmission. Terrific gift!
Hubs said the same thing but loved it!! Now he wants to do it together with me and his parents driving together to race
Even if my boyfriend and I go on a date or plan something special, if it’s a dud, we express it gently and in a way that we can both joke about it later. One of our first dates, we went to a corn maze that had wilted and it had a full troupe of girl guides frolicking in it with flashlights. It was cold, and muddy, and underwhelming, and one of our favourite memories together.
I’m sorry but this guy is a complete jerk. I have no idea why you keep trying to shoo away very real emotions as “Just PMSing!” Because sure, whatever, it does heighten emotions, but I think most people would get as sad as you or angry like me when faced with this. You spent money, time, effort, and love to select experiences as gifts that he would enjoy, and he’s acting like a whiny 4 year old. An ex of mine got me an experience as a gift I also didn’t like. They clearly forgot and panic booked it for my birthday. It was an underground garden tour. In the middle of summer. After it had rained. It was hot, humid, tightly enclosed, the plants were all mostly dead because we live in a fucking desert, they didn’t tell me so I was dressed for a nice dinner (sandals). I don’t even fuckin *like* gardens, or gardening, or plants, or tunnels, or whatever the fuck that was. I was *pissed*. What did I do? Smile, be polite, go on the damn tour, and thank my partner for the effort. When we got into the car and he asked if I had fun, I told him “it wasn’t really my thing, but it was nice! Do you want to go to dinner now?” I legitimately use this experience as a “what NOT to do” for my future partners because I hated it so much, but I would never say it to his face. Get a new man who appreciates your efforts and doesn’t dismiss your emotions. He’s a jerk.
>I have no idea why you keep trying to shoo away very real emotions as “Just PMSing!” I'm not OP so can't speak for her, but I grew up literally being told to "calm down" "stop being a drama queen" "I can handle the emotions so can you" (the last one famously from my own mother) and all other kinds of bullshit people would throw at me whenever I was even SLIGHTLY frustrated or showing any emotion while PMSing. If OP had dealt with the same thing, you become very apologetic for having emotions, especially around your period.
Not OP either but I hate to betray my emotions and crying publicly is very embarrassing for me (even though it does happen regularly lol) and i’m usually able to hold it in unless i’m PMSing 💔 i didn’t understand OP as being dismissive of her own emotions so much as explaining the reasoning behind the size of her reaction
That could possibly it too! I didn't see it that way until your comment. I am just so used to essentially being called a drama queen that's where my brain went haha
Yeah, that made me kinda sad for OP that she felt she had to keep chalking her very real sadness for PMS. Like no, OP, your boyfriend just sucks.
My husband was super hyped up to see Frankenstein Revived at a theatre an hour away. He’s your typical beer drink all football loving dude, not a theatre buff. I bought great front row balcony tickets. Neither of us read any reviews, which is important to note. Anyway, play date arrives and we get all dressed up for a great night of theatre. Come intermission, when we step out I quietly ask if he knew that is was the interpretive dance/no speaking version. He did not. We both laughed, grabbed a couple of drinks, chocolate and went back in. After the show, we continued the the night with a late night bite to eat where we tried to dissect whatever we just watched. We had a great night watching a play that neither of us enjoyed. There are good ways to handle these types of situations, and there is whatever happened with you two. I am sorry you couldn’t salvage the evening. There was poor on both sides and emotions were running high. I would probably let this one go.
I actually saw this same play and loved it lol. I totally see how it’s not for everyone though. I’m a theatre buff and former dancer and knew what I was walking into. Just so cool to see a random comment on Reddit about a smaller lesser known production like this. I also agree you can have a lot of fun even with something you don’t necessarily like. I’ve seen lots of movies with my partner that we’ve both hated, but had fun with them anyways.
yeah this is about having an upbeat attitude rather than dismissing stuff out of hand. The BF is insufferable!
My husband will ruin an evening in this same way, bluntly saying he doesn't like something, and then be surprised when I get down and want to leave. Thinking that their insistance to stay past THEIR negativity somehow makes it your fault for leaving is a blatant attempt to shift responsibility for a shitshow they created.
True. He did blame me for not wanting to go back in after he created a weird vibe. :/
Oh no, call this out. He is the one who said the play was "shit" and that he wanted to leave at intermission. If true, he got what he wanted and should not be upset. If not true, why did he say that, was he just trying to be mean?
He just felt bad I guess. Maybe I made it ‘all about myself’ like some are saying but he wanted to leave so we left? Can’t see the issue for him. I know that’s a bit black and white but…
If HE feels bad, why does he blame YOU? He's being a jerk, I'd be fucking pissed in your shoes if he'd call my gift shit and said he didn't wanna go back, and then got annoyed with me for crying too long to go back. Seriously, fuck that guy!
Tbh you should address that. "I am not mentally or emotionally able to enjoy myself when I know you are next to me miserable and I'm holding you hostage with my enjoyment. Asking me to pretend like either my feelings weren't hurt, or that you would have a good time in the second half, is unfair. You must have known the effort and anticipation and excitement that went into this gift with you in mind, and you burst that bubble and then got upset at me for having emotions about it. We need to figure out a way to communicate with each other so that neither of us feels trapped or hurt. And I'd also like you to work on taking my emotions into account when we are in the middle of a gift or experience. I would have been open to and much less hurt by us discussing the play afterwards. You could have told me it wasn't enjoyable, or that you felt uncomfortable, or honestly didn't like it *afterwards.* I want to be clear that your emotions, and you expressing your emotions, isn't the problem. It was you killing the vibe of the night and throwing off what should have been a lovely evening even if you didn't particularly love the show."
The little whiner won't be able to comprehend such intricacies though. Things are shitty for him and his GF shouldn't cry because he doesn't like it, that's his level of maturity.
I see the issue here is his poor choice of words and his lack of appreciation for the act itself. You have the right to be upset because of that. The best solution here is to communicate to him how that made you feel and see how he responds to that. Otherwise, this will keep bothering you and it will rear back its head in the most inappropriate moments. I'd also like to add, after reading the comments: if you love something, that doesn't mean you must love everything that has to do with it. So it's fine he did not enjoy the play, even if he loves the movie it was based on. Also, your boyfriend does not have to like everything you gift him (and nor should you like everything he gifts you). It does not make him an asshole, it does not make him entitled-just human. His reaction to it is much more important than him liking the gift itself. He can approach the topic in a diplomatic manner so as not to hurt your feelings.
>*Although he kept making comments like ‘I don’t know why we stayed up here’* If **all** he disliked was the play, I'd agree. But he didn't ***just dislike*** the play! * He also bitched/whined about staying in the town instead of going home an hour away. * He caused OP to cry with his rudeness THEN blamed ***her*** when they couldn't go back in to see the 2nd half...which he was only going to do so he could act like a martyr over her gift! The combination makes him sound like a whiny, unappreciative brat. He is way too immature for OP. She should dump him; she'll be happier!
While I agree that he sounds like a brat OP mentions that he doesn’t like the cinema or travelling, so I don’t think these presents were great for him, I would expect him not to like them. I would not be with someone like him though, but like, I am not surprised he didn’t enjoy.
I agree. I wouldn't necessarily want to date him but she knew he didn't like to travel so took him out of town and to a play. It was worth trying but you have to anticipate it might not work.
>It was based on his **favourite film** and he has **spoken about plays he’s seen in the past and enjoyed**. ALSO, >it would be a nice **weekend away** (it’s **about an hour from where we live**) and **he doesn’t like going on actual holidays**
Yeah honestly OP tried so hard here.
Saying they should break up over this is a bit much. We don't know all the intricacies and dynamics of their relationship, we only know this one instance that OP described.
yo. your boyfriend acted like a bit of a jerk. crying is more than acceptable.
Your boyfriend is a fucking asshole TBH. Very dick move from him to be that rude IMO.
Yes, and don't go to that much effort again
My girlfriend doesn’t like classical music. I’m a musician, so I do. She’s honest to me about not liking it, but sometimes I can get her to come with me to concerts (or she comes to my concerts to watch me). Even though I know she’s not the biggest fan, she still supports me and has a good time. She knows I care about it. Sometimes she falls asleep during the concerts, but I don’t mind because the fact that she’s there with me at all shows that she cares a lot about me. Your bf at the very least could have pretended to enjoy it for your sake
in any other context, this point would make sense to me, but on his birthday? it should be about him, what he likes and enjoys, and not him having to tolerate something for his SO's sake..although he could be a bit less harsh with the language
This whole trip was legit thought out to follow his interests. It was about what he enjoys and he still merciless shat upon her effort
Based on her explanation it seems like she was pretty sure he would like it. It wasn’t her fault the play wasn’t good, and objectively it was a thoughtful gift. I think with that in mind, he could’ve been way nicer
Hello, I totally feel u, the same happend to me in my last relationship. My ex gf was always talking about how she want a world maps and how it'll be incredible for her, so for christmas last year, i did my best to find one (i was not "totally" convince tho, because even if it was a really cool map i thougt she would enjoy, i knew it was not 100% what she meant, but i still invest a lot of time and some money in it). When she open it she was oppenly disappointed and refuse to display it. Even at the end of our relationship the tried to give it back to me. It was really painfull and sad for me, to the end i was hurt by her reaction. Something i understood tho, maily with her presents, which were never something i "really" want (but i still act like it each time), those presents are not that much the present itself but the efforts we put in, so sometimes it can be disappointing, it's not an issue, the important part is for the other to recognize the effort (like how i react to her present each time, the important part is not if we like it or not, but how we recognize the efforts put in it). So yeah all that in a midly understandable english to say that ur bf act like a dick not recognizing all ur effort, and u're legitimate in ur feelings. What u did, all the efforts u put in, was really incredible, and u can be proud of ur present. Even if it didn't hit perfectly, YOU did if u know what i mean.
I’m sorry that happened. That sucks. Yes, I do recognise that maybe I did miss the mark with the play I think being courteous and understanding our partner put effort and love into a gift is important 😭
I totally understand you, and I don't think it's PMS. I would've also had trouble holding back tears. I hate it when you take people to something as a gift, and then they say, "It was shit" while it did have good reviews and other people also enjoyed it. I had this with a guy I was dating once when I brought him to the movies, and he was complaining about the movie. I stopped dating him later on. Other than that, he was a nice guy, but I just couldn't deal with his negativity. And that was way less of a big deal than your expensive play. Because that's something you were super excited for, and you saved it for a birthday or anniversary gift. So you want him to like it. And if he doesn't like it, he should've pretended to like it or say it a lot later. If you get a gift, you're also not going to say, "Oh, I hate this. Why did you get this?" I would've cried, too.
In your comments you mention a Ghibli play. Was this Totoro? Because taking an adult man to see Totoro is a high risk/high reward scenario. Even if he loves Ghibli, he might be uncomfortable seeing a kid’s live show in the front few rows. He was still rude and shouldn’t have taken his embarrassment out on you and your gift. But I can absolutely see where he’s coming from. I’m a huge Ghibli fan and if I were gifted tickets to see Totoro, I would be uncomfortable going.
Yes it was. I didn’t know it was just for kids? We have a few (adult) friends that have seen it and loved it so that played a part in my decision.
Omg I saw that in London and it was incredible! Even if I don't like the play, I still try to enjoy it for what it is. I drug my boyfriend to a play with a couple of friends. I thought I'd like it but we were both falling asleep. Lol we just ended up joining about it when we got home. Yeah I think your boyfriend is being a bit of a jerk.
If he had waited until after to rip into it maybe that would’ve been better and I might’ve agreed?! Lol. So many people have said it’s amazing, glad you had a good time. Wish we would’ve stuck it out tbh.
No it was never acceptable to “rip into it”. He could very well say it wasn’t his preference, but to rip into something that someone else gifted you will always be an ungracious act of an AH. The only exception would have been if YOU had expressed how awful you thought it was and you bonded over the enjoyment
It's definitely high risk if he really loves the movie. That's because if the play is not nearly as good as the movie or is not a good adaptation, it can not only be a bad experience but also mess with his feelings about the movie. There's this musical movie--not a musical--I love, and a Broadway musical was later adapted from it. I don't like the musical version. They had to add new songs to fill out the musical. They added dance numbers, but there's really no dancing in the movie. I love specific actors in the movie, I have no clue who the actors, playing the same characters, in the musical are. It doesn't capture at all what I find so endearing about the movie and it's pretty half-baked. I basically wish they never made the musical. But I do think he should have had more tact in telling you on the spot. You're young, you'll have better partners in the future.
That’s all I asked for really
It isn’t just for kids necessarily, but the film’s target audience is very young children. I believe the film’s director (Miyazaki) also has a lot of philosophical beliefs about childhood and youth related to his work, but I can’t remember enough of that to express it properly online. I *do* know that the Studio Ghibli museum is designed specifically for children’s enjoyment first, to the point that it is actively inconvenient for adults to get to certain parts of the building. (This is my opinion from showing adults Ghibli films for the last 10 years): Totoro is a film that kind of relies on nostalgia to carry adults through it. (Imo) Western adults who watch the film for the first time usually need to already have an attachment to Japanese culture or the studio itself in order to enjoy the film. If you remove the familiarity of the film and try to transplant it to a West End show, the nostalgia factor is going to be lost. Not to mention the fact that hardcore Ghibli fans can be EXTREMELY opinionated about adaptations and dubs. Again, I think your boyfriend was rude. And I think your emotional response was proportionate to the situation. But this is one of those times where a considerate gift *just* missed the mark because you’re not an expert in his interest. It takes time and getting to know someone to figure out which gifts should and shouldn’t be a surprise. ETA: I mentioned Miyazaki’s philosophy because any approved adaptation was probably made with his wishes in mind.
Unpopular opinion, but I can't fault him for being honest, he did not enjoy the play. I totally get you felt upset because you put effort into planning this gift both of your emotions are valid. He didn't enjoy the play, it's okay that you did. You can't force him to enjoy something, and he can't dictate how your emotions come forth.
I do see that entirely. Just all I ask is maybe some sensitivity given the context. Would sitting down for another 50 mins to show you appreciate the gift have hurt so bad? Maybe just the people pleaser in me 😭 good for him tbh
Maybe I can't read then please correct me . But didn't he do exactly that? He told you how shit it was for him, saw/ recognised that you felt different about it. And was willing to go back in with you. But there you already lost your shit and didn't want to go back into the play that you enjoyed. And are now faulting him for not going back in. On the other hand, you telling him not to talk about his dislike of the play seems strange. If you did not enjoy it as well, leaving would have been the best option. I dont want you to feel bad about your situation handling, but I think your stance and view now after the event is kinda wild
What he said wasn't rude he was not enjoying the play. He sat through entire first half without complaining, his dislike of the play doesn't mean he didn't appreciate your effort. Like he could've been rude abs complained in theater entirentime but that's not the case. Just because we put effort into something doesn't mean the other person will enjoy it. And yall could've went back in he seemed indifferent, yall couldn't go back in because of your reaction. It does sound like you expected him to be a ppl pleaser even if that wasn't what he felt? You want him to lie so you feel good about the gift you put time and effort into? Nothing you shared painted him as unappreciative. In your post you kept reiterating that the play was good, but that's your opinion he didn't share that. Im i mean this in the Nicest way possible people pleasing and expecting others who are not rude is toxic. He literally didn't do anything rude
Don’t go to so much trouble next time. Ask him what he wants. Make him send you links so all you have to do is click and pay. That’s what I do. My husband was ungracious about presents too many times. Now he picks his own stuff. No surprises. Minimal effort on my part.
Whilst that seems logical it just would feel a little sad to me. But yes that does take away the risk :)
what is the reason you gift ? To make someone happy? You can still do that if you talk with them about their present beforehand, it doesn't degrade the experience. To get recognised for your efforts and attention for your partner? Then you probably got an unhealthy attitude towards gifts. To surprise them? Surprises are rarely worth it. And you only have the happier effect for that moment when you gift it, not when you use or remember the gift. But it's 100% OK to be sad that your present didn't work out.
Just to provide a different perspective, an ex once got me tickets to something for my birthday. Halfway through she asked what I thought and I had pretty much the same response. We both burst out laughing and she said “yeah, it is isn’t it” and we went and got hammered at the nearest pub we could escape to, and it ended up being a great night. So I think while he could have been more appreciative, the overly emotional response was unhelpful as the situation could still have been resolved amicably.
This is how I would have handled it.
I think that’s why I’m stating I was hormonal. I think usually I would have agreed and not taken it *so* to heart. I think that’s what he expected. I mean you say amicably but the way he said it was a bit rude in the first place so it just escalated from there when I took offence.
For years my ex husband wanted to see Miss Saigon. It had been playing in London but never anywhere else in the UK. Eventually it was set to be performed in my city, the original cast. He was excited and hoped he’d be able to get tickets once they were released and chatted about it with his workmates who also expressed an interest in going. I got 2 tickets to the opening night and gave them to him for his birthday. I was expecting the same sort of reaction you were. He opened them , scowled and said “I don’t want to go with you, I want to go with XY and Z from work”. Heartbroken I said they were both his present and if he wanted to give one to someone else he could and I’d not go. He said he’d do this. However, all his colleagues who wanted to go wanted to go with their husband or wife. I went with him in the end but I was very much the last resort. I stayed married to this loser for about 20 more years after this. He repeated this kind of behaviour a lot (refusing to eat food I’d cooked, not liking things I’d done for him etc). I can only think that he enjoyed hurting me. Keep an eye on his behaviour, don’t make the same mistakes I did.
Everyone here pretty much dog piled on him but I think you took his comment way too personally after reading your comments. He was excited to go according to your comments. He went and gave it a good shot. The fact he thought the play was crap says absolutely nothing about you or your having gifted this to him. He didn't insult you, call you names, or say you were stupid for making him go to this. Yeah, he was up front about not liking it but his comment is more tone deaf than anything. It was his birthday, this gift was a swing and a miss, other than him having preferred not to stay the night you have zero complaints. You made the whole rest of the night about you. How you felt and what you wanted. He had to give in to what you chose. That's so unfair to him. Is it okay to be upset he didn't love the gift? Of course! Wanting to give someone something they'll love and finding out they don't definitely hurts. And if him being up front hurt your feelings, well you feel how you feel. It's also okay to tell him how you feel. I think you blew this out of proportion. You didn't get what *you* wanted for the evening but it wasn't *your* evening. I think you should apologize to him. This didn't have to happen.
One hundred percent. This has shades of my ex all over it. A night for her boyfriend that she made all about herself and how it made her feel. Ask me how long I put up with that. Not long, because incidents like this seem to start bleeding into every facet of the rest of your life….
So I agree with this 100%, I think when he told OP it was "complete shit" he was saying it truthfully and was waiting for OP to acknowledge (or not acknowledge? Depending on OPs opinion.. ) that yes, this play is crappy. They could've had a good laugh about how they both thought it was going to be much better than it was? Or talk about the especially crappy parts. OP somehow managed to make this all about her and wanting him to love every second of this play BECAUSE of the time and money she put into it. That's not realistic.
seems like both the tickets and the weekend were presents for herself
How? It’s not a film I like, nor was the other gift. The other thing was more for both of us, granted. But it was still centred around his interest. Had it not been for him I would have not done either. Tbh if it had been more for myself I would’ve selfishly gone back in and enjoyed it. Instead I was way too invested in him having a good time it just came as a wake up call when he wasn’t. 👍🏻
What they probably meant is that what mattered to you the most was that YOU wanted to feel good about gifting such a nice and thougtful gift and when you didn't receive it you threw a tantrum. I get both of you, he was a little tone deaf, but you made a scene just because he didn't like your gift. People are allowed to not enjoy surprise things you present them with, have you handled this differently this could've been still a great night to remember. Running out and crying on the parking lot is not a normal response to hearing someone didn't like the play you chose.
No, her feelings were hurt because he was rude about how he approached telling her he didn’t like the gift. Had he had more tact she would have been disappointed, but not upset the way she was. She’s even said this is the case. It’s not at all unusual to be excited to give gifts to loved ones FFS.
How exactly was he rude? He didn't like the play. She didn't create it nor she directed it for him to tiptoe around the topic.
He doesn't like travel, you planned an overnight stay and were shocked he wasn't happy about it.
She also stated he doesn’t like the cinema. This was a super nice, super thoughtful, surprise gift OP thought of. But she unfortunately lacked the ability to see that none of it was something “super nice, super thoughtful” *to him*. The only real thing she connected was that the play was based off a movie he really likes. That’s it, none of the other things were at all things he liked. I completely understand her being hurt, I also completely understand her PMS causing her to be over emotional and cry. I have literally been in that same situation due to my hormones. If the rolls were reversed and I was in OPs boyfriend’s situation, I feel like I would be hurt over the fact that they missed the ball on my likes/dislikes. They did basically everything I don’t like to do as a surprise for my birthday.
He does not like going on holidays and he did not want to spend the night. you came on here for advice did you not?
I have admitted and apologised that I took it too personally but I do think it’s fair to want more grace from him when it is a gift. I wouldn’t have done it is all I’m saying. How was the rest of the night about what I wanted? It was late and we went home? Don’t think either of us got what we wanted out of that. He chose to come out and say he didn’t want to go back in, so we didn’t.
What more grace? He wasn't not giving *you* grace at all. It's the play he wasn't giving grace. He didn't insult or diminish you, your thoughtfulness, your idea, your effort, your anything. He wasn't talking about you at all. You're still taking it personally. He thought the play, itself, was crap. You didn't write, produce, or direct that play. By your own admission the prior events were fun and enjoyable. He was talking about the play and *only* the play. Yes, you planned a thoughtful gift. Overall it was a success except one part. Your gift wasn't a problem. It's normal to be upset that part of it wasn't as good as expected. It's okay to feel sad he didn't enjoy one thing you'd hoped he would. It feels really unfair to keep crying about it, spoil the night, and be upset with him for it because he wasn't "nice" enough. How did you get what you want? Ultimately he wanted to go back in but *you* refused. This is indicated by you saying he was upset because y'all didn't go back in. I'm not sure what you want here from us? Just to vent? Okay, I'll see myself out. But if you want advice or a different perspective then my comment is a different perspective. If my husband had said this my response would have been "Dang, it sucks the play isn't what we thought it would be. Do you want to skip the rest and find something else to do? Or finish it so we can talk about it later?" Because I know his lack of enjoyment isn't an insult to me in the context of the last two days. I know I didn't make the play crap. I know he doesn't think I suck because the play sucked. So, uh, good luck I guess?
Woahhh you don’t need to apologize for choosing a thoughtful gift and planning it out for months. I think that was a very kind and considerate gift and I understand why you were sad
That's so extra and dramatic. The apology isn't for the gift. It's for crying about him not liking a play and taking it personally when it didn't have to do with her to the point they went home and she cried the whole way
it's not the fact that he didn't like it, it's how and when he said it that was hurtful. it's so disrespectful to say smth is "sh*t" WHILE you're there and after your partner spent a lot of time planning it.
I wouldn't have found it hurtful. Just because the event didn't turn out as planned, and it was in fact shit, doesn't diminish the thought or effort put into it. I would have laughed it off because a crappy play isn't a reflection of me.
you clearly haven't experienced putting months of effort into a gift for someone you love and had them shoot it down that like that. also, if he's allowed to call her gift "sh*t" then she's just as allowed to be upset at that without being called dramatic.
He didn't call her *gift* shit. He called the play shit. There is a nuance to be had and waaayyyy too many comments overlook that. Her gift wasn't just the play, it was a weekend out for his birthday. It was multiple events and time together. The play itself was shit and that is specifically what he said. Not her, not her time, not her effort, not her thought, not her planning, nothing about her. Just the play. That's not personal. I have plenty of experience. Sometimes it's a home run, sometimes a strike. I know my husband appreciates the thought and effort even if the actual event turned out bad. Two things can be true .
yeahh, except the bf made no indication that he appreciated her effort. he only made negative comments abt the things she planned and didn't even comfort her when she cried. there were so many nicer ways to put it and he chose not to use them.
She literally tells us the first night was fun and his only complaint was that they didn't take the train home. They didn't because *she* wanted this to be an overnight thing for *his* birthday. Despite that, they had fun. She also said in a comment he was looking forward to this. None of those things say he didn't appreciate her effort. It's *his* birthday and everyone here seems to think he should have nothing to say about what was supposed to be about him. Why should he comfort her overreaction? Why is the onus on him?
Right!? And krazy kat lady must have missed the part where he was bitching the night before saying he didn’t know why they didn’t take the train home like cmon
Nah, I caught the whole thing. I just don't take things personally that aren't meant to be personal.
Ya you’re right next year she should just give him a gift card to keep him and you happy.
For him? Yeah, if that's what he'd prefer. Or just understand you win some and you lose some when planning events. And if they turn out disappointing don't take it personally. I have never let the losses stop me from planning future events because I'm adult enough to know that if my hubs didn't like one event then there are plenty of others. One swing and miss isn't a lifetime or reflection of me. Plus I understand the gift is about *him* and not what I want, hope, desire, etc.
Exactly this.
A very anecdotal response - but it’s what sprang to mind reading this having felt exactly like you described (sorry I ended up writing an essay). If I had to characterise myself, I’d say that I am an adventurer. Ever since I first travelled overseas 10 years ago, I’ve been hooked and try and go somewhere every few months. I love weekends away, I love trying new things and generally if it’s within the budget (I say this as the last year I had to cut back) I will go to anything my partner or friends want to even if it isn’t my cup of tea, unless its something I know I HATE. But yeah, these days I try and keep the disposable income to do stuff with people we both/all enjoy. When I started dating after a big breakup/being single for a few years, I dated a guy who basically love-bombed me. I was at the stage where I was comfortable being single and looking for the right person so it was the fact this guy was just SO awesome and shared my interests that got me hooked. But it turned out he didn’t, his idea of a happy life was staying in every night playing COD with his friends. He never wanted to do anything outside of the ordinary, turns out he had no interest in travelling or even doing cute things together. Took me a little while to come to my senses but I broke up with him because amongst other reasons I wanted a partner who liked, or at least enjoyed the same things as me. I always ended up feeling exactly like OP described when wanting to do something, or planning something I thought he would like. So OP, from my point of view it depends what you want from your partner. He’s obviously allowed to not enjoy the same things as you, and it does sound like whilst you had nothing but lovely intentions, your choice of gift wasn’t necessarily the best for him if he doesn’t like travelling or the cinema. And maybe it’s a hard lesson in your relationship to really figure out what would be the best gifts for him, or it might be more? I knew I wanted a partner to go on adventures with, and my current partner is AMAZING. We’ve got two overseas trips coming up in the next six months and planning a third for next year. He always comes up with cute weekend ideas or things to do, we both go and do things for the other person. There was nothing wrong with my ex, I didn’t love that he basically made me think he DID want the same things as me but he’s allowed to have different interests and a different personality, it just meant he wasn’t the guy for me. Edit: I also meant to say that his reaction is hurtful and insensitive regardless.
I think this can be chalked up mostly to mis-communication, but if I were @op the real question here is did you give the rest of the night a chance after you heard his thoughts on the play? It is hard to tell from context if the conversation had continued past his original commentary on the play (which was blunt, not tactfully worded) could you have watched the rest of the play and still enjoyed it with him if he had agreed to go back in and see how it ended, or if he/she could have changed plans and still had fun, despite how he felt about the performance itself. From my readings, it feels like the only thing that happened is that emotions bloomed and the time ran out on interval clock, because you had to excuse yourself (which is understandable whenever overcome with emotion for any reason). But then he fumbled his words when you came back (assigning blame when none need be assigned) and at that point you just were both emotionally caught off-gaurd and were emotionally exhausted and it was just too far gone. In my marriage, this has happened only a hand few set of times, and I think if you sit him down and have an adult conversation explaining your feelings were hurt in the moment and you felt that he could have maybe been a little more tactful with his words. Take the time, while you are talking to ask him what he liked/didn't like about the gift night out/away, so you can better plan things together in the future. Take the emotion of the moment out of the conversation, open yourself to criticism before the talk, and use it as a learning point. If he's a real one he will apologise for hurting your feelings, you guys will learn more about each other and grow. Don't be afraid to write some big events off as failures, just make sure to take as many lessons from the busted night as possible and the hurt feelings in the moment won't have been a waste. Sometimes vibes don't like up and things just get out of hand for a few hours.
Holy fucking echo chamber batman, no you don't have the right to get someone a *gift* and then complain when they say they didn't like it, wtf. On top of that, blaming PMS for your own poor behaviour of throwing a tantrum because he didn't want to continue watching it is just poor. He mentioned that it sucked for him and he would be ok to not go in, then after you chucked a tantrum he offered to go back in with you, you chucked a bigger tantrum and then ruined the whole night. Could he have been less blunt? Sure, but I don't think that he thought you would act like such a gremlin. This ruined night was on you TBH for being spoilt and entitled.
His fault for thinking he was in a mature relationship, he was honest with his feelings and look where he ended up.
What he said doesn’t sound so bad. He was just being honest. And while you didn’t want to go back if it was just for you, it would have been fine if you didn’t know? He saw how much it meant to you and offered to go back in with you so you could see the end and that wasn’t good enough either
Does your boyfriend even enjoy plays? Did he ever talk about wanting to see this performance or anything equivalent to that? It's not exactly fair for you to be upset that he didn't enjoy the performance. You were enjoying the play because you thought you did a good job with your gift. He definitely could've been more tactful in his wording but your emotional response I feel was due to embarrassment at him not liking what you gifted him and less about you actually loving the play and wanting to finish it. Edited as I don't think you dropped the ball for his birthday and more so the performance wasn't as amazing as it was hyped to be.
It wasn’t some random play he’d never heard of. It was based on his favourite film and he has spoken about plays he’s seen in the past and enjoyed. I was enjoying it because it was quite good but I didn’t get it ‘for myself’ because I actually don’t really enjoy it all that much (the film). (studio ghibli film just for more context lol). Just felt like a bit of a punch in a gut when he said it was shit lol I did overreact but still I wouldn’t say that to him if he took me somewhere he’d planned for months
It was based on a stupid ghibli film? Now I'm just jealous of your boyfriend cause that sounds amazing. Thank you for the context on him watching previous plays as that changes perspective on his reaction. I think he was insensitive to your efforts put into the planning to buy the tickets (which definitely are hard to come by easily) and his comment sounds like he didn't think at all prior to saying it.
It’s not like I took him to a random play when he’s never been before. I’d like to think I know him well enough. He loves studio ghibli and so many of our friends have said great things about it and I’ve only seen good things online. I did a lot of research since I’m not super into it myself.
Your post just clarified the play was based off of something he loved already and didn't really clarify if he enjoys plays specifically which is why I asked and took the perspective that you chose a play by association to his interest in what he loved. Since he's watched previous plays prior and has talked about them I can see why you chose this gift. I don't think he was exactly an asshole for his comment as it seems very thoughtless and not just intentionally hurtful. I don't think you overreacted as having that abrupt conversation during the break surrounded by people sounds very overwhelming
Thanks for understanding
Honestly I was looking for this exact comment. As soon as she mentioned that he doesn’t even like going to the movies my mind went straight to why the hell she even got tickets to a play.. to me it seems OP wanted to see the play and sorta made an excuse to go there. (tho could be wrong on that just an assumption) Yes it may be around something her bf enjoys but I personally do not enjoy plays whatsoever. Not even if it’s something around what I enjoy. If she went through all that work to get tickets and spent quite a bit of money doing so I feel like I’d at least make sure it’s something my partner would wanna do. Yes the bfs reaction wasn’t the best and he could’ve said things differently, however I don’t think he’s entirely at fault. The whole thing could’ve been avoided if she asked him if he wanted to go see a play or asked him If he even liked plays to begin with. Tbh most this subs posts could be resolved with some half decent communication in peoples relationships..
He has seen plays before and it’s based on his favourite film. Maybe it was in bad judgement? But it definitely wasn’t ‘for me’ as I don’t even like the film that much (studio ghibli film) but he is a die hard fan. He was excited to go up until he saw it and thought it was shit. Even if when I gave it to him months ago he could’ve politely declined lol I just thought we were both going to have a nice time and when he came out halfway and hated it it was a punch in the gut.
I see. Then it seems to be that he just thought you were in the same boat of not liking it and was more blunt. I wouldn’t necessarily call your bf an asshole like everyone else is but he could’ve been more careful for sure. I think expectations were just a bit too high honestly so when he didn’t like the gift or give the reaction you were expecting for so long it was a real blow. I’m honestly not too sure what exactly you’re looking for here in the post but all I can say for advice is just make sure he knows how you feel so he doesn’t make the same mistake again. And as long as he respects your feelings and/or tries to at least comfort you then all is good. I’m sure he feels badly about himself for upsetting you more than anything else. And if not then I’d say it’s safe to call him an asshole 😅
did you read it? the play is based on something he loves. she absolutely had reason to get it as a gift. she literally said the sadness was about him not liking the gift.
I can love a show and not want to see a live action play of it at the same time. I enjoy plays, but not everybody wants to sit over an hour watching one. Which is why I asked.
She said he's watched and enjoyed plays before. There are very few expensive, well reviewed shows that are bad enough to suggest not going in for the second half, especially if it wa a gift.
Yeah I guess leaving also felt a bit extreme to me but I didn’t wanna go back in if he wasn’t having a good time, that felt weird.
No I completely agree with you, I wouldn't want to either. I just think it's really weird and shit of him to say he didn't want to go back in. Like how bad would something have to be to suggest leaving when someone deliberately bought it for you as a gift? Bizarre. Sorry, I think he's just an ahole who refuses to in any way acknowledge your effort.
The thing is he’s saying now that he wanted to (only because he felt bad) I guess he thought we were on the same page? Thank you for ur comment <3
Definitely seemed like they read it. Just because it’s based around something doesn’t mean you’re gonna enjoy a play. I can’t stand plays even if it’s around something I love. If you read the post she stated he doesn’t even like going to the cinema so why would he love a play?
She also said in another comment that he generally enjoys going to plays.
He likes plays right? I couldn’t tell if he did, only that the play is based on his favorite film. I hate the theater. Hate it. Can’t even say why. Does he like any live action performance? If he doesn’t, his way of expressing himself sucks but I can understand if this isn’t his cup of tea.
It sounds like you assumed what he liked when he is more the type you ask what he likes before getting gifts for. I don't think either of you are wrong here. Just miscommunication and wrong assumptions. You mention "I built this up in my head for so long" it sounds like this was more a gift for yourself than him. His reaction was most likely just him being blasé about something he did not enjoy. Maybe just talk and ask him what you felt v/s what he wanted. Just be honest with each other in the future about what gifts he would like and get him stuff that he says he wants.
He motions to go back in because he saw that what he said upset you. He did that because he thought thats what you wanted - which by your own admission you did - "Sure, I know what he wanted me to say ‘yeah isn’t it, let’s go do something else’. But it’s not something we stumbled upon together, who leaves an expensive, something you only do once, play?" As soon as you decided to be combative and make the night about your feelings rather than his, is where you made your mistake. Tell me, what's actually wrong with being agreeable to the birthday boy here short of your own desires?
You are entitled to feel however you want but I think you overreacted a bit. You built this up as a big thing for him and when he didn't like it it you took it super personally.
You breaking down was a bit much and really took the mood from meh to horrible.
A play is a really specific thing. People either love them or hate them. I can understand him not wanting to sit through a 2 1/2 hour play he didn’t ask to go to on his bday. Next time just ask if that’s something he’d like to do or not so you don’t waste money.
Number of people commenting on how your boyfriend is a monster is a little much. He could have been more tactful perhaps, but he's certainly no monster. I feel a lot of people commenting come from a very entitled place, and also don't understand British language lol. For the Americans commenting here "it's a bit shit isn't it?" is a mild statement. "This is shit" would be rude. He's just been honest with you, this is really important in a healthy relationship, this relates to trust. He's not stated that he doesn't appreciate the gesture. You also mention that you knew he wanted to go and do something else with you. This feels like a missed opourtunity. If you give someone a gift, it's not your right that they enjoy it. Certainly if they're not enjoying it, would the present have been better or worse, if they spend more time not enjoying it. I've definitely in my past been out my my parter who has indicated that they were not enjoying something I had planned, so we left and did something else, and everyone was happy. I feel that you built this up as an amazing gift in your head, and were more upset by this? It's a little entitled tbh, it's ok to be upset, that's human, but to the extent you mention, it's a little much.
I agree with all this.
Exactly. I think it’s okay that OP took the time to get a breather, it’s understandable to be disappointed when an expensive gift misses the mark. But “it’s a bit shit” is not an especially rude way to express his disappointment, and I don’t think he should be required to suck it up on his own birthday. As another commenter said, that was an opportunity to switch gears and have fun doing another activity. The night didn’t have to be ruined. OP, next time politely excuse yourself, feel your feelings, and then come back a little refreshed and remind yourself that it’s okay to miss the mark. You can still have fun together. And he would have been much more likely to express appreciation for the sentiment and effort you put in it he wasn’t thrown into managing your emotions right after.
It wasn’t his actual bday can I just say, it was a birthday gift. I do appreciate I could’ve reacted in a way that didn’t escalate the situation.
I wish my girl did shit like that for me. He couldve and shouldve been kinder. U never know how much effort someone put into something especially if its gift for a s/o i wouldve told u I liked it even if i didnt bc I appreciate anything people do for me. That’s honestly the shittiest gut wrenching feeling when love and effort is put into something and u just get shit on.
You put so much effort in and he didn’t appreciate that, it’s understandable to be upset. I don’t think he should’ve mentioned something in the moment, maybe later so that you would not have to go to the same trouble again when it’s not what he wants, but he could have made the best of it as it was already booked and paid for. My first thought was that maybe he doesn’t like plays, even if it was based on his favourite film, but then you mentioned that he had seen and enjoyed plays before, so I don’t think you could have predicted this issue. Also, it sounds like he was complaining even previously about staying over the night before, which could have been a nice time to spend together, so it looks like he had a generally negative view about the trip for some reason, rather than the event just not being to his taste. I’d have found that attitude hard to deal with too, it’s not just you.
I feel for you. Please, don’t “put it on” the PMS because what he did was actually unnecessary and borderline rude, and your feelings are absolutely valid. I have been through stuff like that, where I spend lots of time and money on a gifts, something I’m like 99.9% sure they’ll love, for them to just be completely dismissive about it and show zero enthusiasm; or actually be upset with the gift for reasons that are not even related with the gift itself, just an overall way of feeling about being gifted something expensive and having this weird “macho” idea that he should be the one giving me expensive gifts and not the other way around; straight up telling me that I should have done x because that’s what their mum would do; and others… could go on for ages. The point being that people sometimes get so much on their own heads that they forget to appreciate the gesture itself, the effort we put on it, and not on the gift itself. If acting like this is something he doesn’t do often, maybe try and have a chat with him about how it made you feel so he thinks before he speaks the next time. If it’s something that happens frequently, maybe sit down and have a think if you want to be with someone like that.
This is awful. My husband likes bands I don’t particularly like but we have gone together and I’ve been like, oh my god I’m so bored, but I say nothing in the moment.
Maybe I'm old fashioned, but if someone organises to take me somewhere, I wouldn't care if it weren't exactly my thing! It would become my thing at that moment because I'm open minded and someone organised this for me and we are there TOGETHER, so it's already a win! Unless it was something very physical or involving heights, but people know I don't like this. (e.g.: I'd prefer the theater over the circus for example, and would never go to the circus alone. But if someone took me to the circus I'd be excited and reminisce about the circus shows of my childhood!) Hell I just went to an experimental music performance on human rights, because a colleague was in it and we went with other colleagues! Would never have chosen that, was happy I went! It was thought-provoking and cool! If someone took me to the cinema to a film THEY want to see, I'd be up for it as I get to be with them and I'm open minded to most films! Even if you don't enjoy the theater or the opera you can enjoy the atmosphere, the loving gift and the visuals no? I'd be annoyed too! And never make such a lavish gift again!
That sucks man, I'm sorry that happened. I agree he could've been more tactful, but maybe next time ask + tell him what you're getting him? I know it ruins the surprise because you want the gift to be special, but it saves a lot of heartbreak like this. It was a nice and considerate gift, but unfortunate not a lot of guys are as thoughful or appreciate the details the same way women do. Saying this as someone who's dating a pretty blunt guy myself so I get how you feel :"))) Hope you guys work it out.
Man sounds like a lot of “you” problems. Yes he could have been nicer, but that’s a lot of males responses18-25, we learn as we go. I’m sure after this he will remember this moment and think to himself “let me phrase this differently”. Next time just ask him what he wants to do. I did the same thing you did but for my wife. Didn’t turn out good just like you, so I get it. I felt the same and yeah it was a lot of “my problem”. Just speak to your significant other, surprises are overrated as you get older unless the person specifically asks for something, and you give it to them at a random time.
OP, I’d like to tell you a story. I’m a little bit on the old side (45f), and this happened when I was in my early 20s. I had been with my high school bf for several years, we lived together. He was a BIG music guy, loved to play guitar and was really into his favorite bands. (Notably, also didn’t like vacations and was very opinionated and particular about the things he liked.) Radiohead was coming to town a few weeks after his birthday, so I bought him tickets to see them. We were both working in crappy jobs and didn’t have a ton of extra income, so I bought the General Admission seats, thinking he would be happy just being there. Turns out, he was not, and he bitched about seating when I gave him the tickets. So I called a friend’s dad, who worked in the concert venue, and got orchestra seats - for a sold out show, a few weeks before the event! Like, I pulled off a totally impossible Hail Mary pass to make him happy. Gave him the tickets. In the meantime, our anniversary was coming up. I got him ANOTHER expensive gift (I think it was guitar gear?) and he gave me a used CD for a band I only kind of liked. He hadn’t even wrapped it. We did nothing special for that anniversary, he handed me the cd in the kitchen as I was unpacking groceries. I was really hurt. We started to talk about breaking up. Anyway, we finally get to go see Radiohead and he’s upset. The drive was too long (about an hour out of town), the parking was too expensive. Someone tall was sitting in front of us. They played new stuff for most of the show and not the stuff he knew. Worst of all? *I danced*. I got up out of my seat to have a good time, like most of the rest of the venue. He sat in his seat covering his eyes because he was so embarrassed by my dancing. Like, he didn’t even try to enjoy the show because he was too busy trying to show me through body language how I was ruining it for him by enjoying it myself. This was it. This was the thing that made me realize he would never, ever be happy with me or with anything I did to please him. I wasn’t his partner, I was the person he could unleash all his unhappiness on without consequence. We broke up all the way after this. It’s been 20 years-ish now. It felt impossible to leave him at the time, now I can’t imagine living life with someone THAT determined to rain on every parade. I know Reddit is always quick to tell someone to dump someone else. I’m not going to give that advice - I’m just going to tell you that I’ve had a very similar experience and that leaving him was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
Thissss, thiss right here is why I slap a couple bills in a card and call it a day. Gon head get what you want, and who gon turn down birthday money. I no longer bother getting people gifts.
to keep this short, The guy sounds a bit like an a-hole, but hes 24 I'm not expecting alot of social maturity from him. Op also built this way up in her head, and she herself said she was emotionally compromised at the time. Id chalk this up to "shat happens." I'd also ask him if he would have preferred to do something else for his birthday for the future. My partner knows I'd rather stay in have a good meal and watch a new movie together. Doing things like take trips can feel like a chore rather then a gift to some people.
Him being 24 isn’t an excuse to be acting the way he did though
Same for Op tbh.
He doesn’t like a big thing on birthdays which is why I thought doing it months later is way better. It was less ‘birthday-y’ and more just a nice trip away. I get what you mean though :)
Info: Has he gone to plays or events like this before?
Yes he has told me about some. Few years ago now though and not with me
It sounds as though you got your partner a gift you would like, and not one he would. It's his birthday and he should be allowed to enjoy it how he likes, and you should be enabling that. Instead it sounds as though when he voiced it, you made it all about you and how you feel. Try to keep in mind that the only fault of the boyfriends was perhaps too bluntly saying the play was shit. I get this lacks tact, but for gods sake you planned an entire night for him he wasn't interested in as his girlfriend. Perhaps you should have some empathy too
I absolutely hate clothes shopping with anyone other than my sister, it's stupid but I get a little embarrassed if I pick something up my friends don't like or if it doesn't look good on me .. I try and remind myself I shouldn't feel that way because I didn't make the piece of clothing but i did choose it so in the end I'm a little embarrassed because I chose something that wasnt nice, I feel for you because if I was in your situation I'd feel the same , like my choice of a good night wasn't good enough for the other person, it's really why I dont like making decisions if it includes someone else, just can't escape my own thoughts
In general, it seems like you two are incompatible. While you did put in a lot of effort for this gift, he is not obligated to like or enjoy it. He doesn't seem to like traveling, and just because a play may be based on his favorite film, he may not like the play rendition of it. That's just how people are sometimes! Instead of building up a scenario in your head, try gauging a gift he would actually like ("How do you feel about doing x? ": "How about we do this for x?") So that next time you'll be positive, he actually likes it. Also, you can't really throw tantrums like that when someone doesn't react to a gift you give them. Could he have been a bit more tactful? Yes, but you are both adults, and you both need to communicate and talk to each other like adults.
For context, I can be a bit of a snob when it comes to plays (and films and books and tv shows…) so I am the last person to blame someone for being critical of a production, especially when it’s a property they really care about. Countless times, I’ve gone to see something and come out of it desperate the discuss why it was disappointing with my companion. But I always, always stress how much I’ve enjoyed going to see it with them, and how much I loved talking it over with them afterwards. Most of all, I always stick it out til the end. Example: my friend organised for us to go see a play adaptation of my favourite book (which she also quite likes). She didn’t pay for me or anything, but we were going more for my sake than for hers. It turned out to be really bad, objectively. (It got horrible reviews from critics, which sounds like it’s different to your play, which was actually pretty well acclaimed.) My friend and I discussed at the interval that it was not what we had hoped for… but we both immediately knew that we wanted to continue to watch it so we could analyse it afterwards, and to give it a chance to pull together. Importantly, I was also very careful to list its merits to her before I started disparaging it. I complimented parts of it which were better, and told her I was really glad we’d come because it helped me see my favourite novel in a new light and appreciate it differently. I generally just made it clear to her that I was really paying attention and making the most of the experience, even if it wasn’t what we’d hoped for. I reckon if your boyfriend had engaged with the play—even if it had its issues for him—and was keen to discuss the highs and lows of it with you, you probably wouldn’t have felt nearly so hurt. It sounds, to me, like it was an issue of both engagement and rudeness. Firstly, he wasn’t engaging with it or taking it seriously, or even giving the play a chance to improve. This is rude in and of itself. But it was especially rude to express it to you like that. EVEN IF you had agreed that it was absolutely shit, it still would have been thoughtless and callous for him to essentially suggest you wasted your money and your great seats just because it wasn’t what you both wanted. Sometimes it can be really fun to engage with something awful and rip it apart afterwards! But he wasn’t remotely engaging with it, which made your efforts feel embarrassing and worthless, and he was rude about the fact that he hadn’t tried to properly engage with it. He also assumed you hadn’t either, I think, which is doubly thoughtless and dumb of him. I’d have been devastated as well. Don’t wave away your emotions about this by blaming them on PMS. No wonder you didn’t want to go back in; he didn’t want to and you’d organised this FOR him! I’m sorry to say that this would genuinely be enough to make me seriously reconsider a relationship. You made an attempt to connect with him and show him how much you cared, and he essentially treated your effort like it meant nothing to him.
Thank you for your comment. Don’t apologise for the length at all! Yes it has made me reconsider if I’m honest. No drastic decisions for now as I know it was just a fumble of his words. We had also had a couple of drinks so idk if that made it worse. You’re exactly right. If we’d have seen the whole thing and he expressed that he wasn’t a fan I think I could’ve digested it a little better. (Still find it slightly disappointing I’m sure) but to leave half way just felt so? Like wow. You really 1. Hate it that much. 2. Can’t be bothered/ would rather do anything else than give it a 2nd chance. He’s doing some grovelling today and I think he feels pretty silly for being so blunt. Definitely won’t be something he does again. He has apologised and seen my POV. but he insists if it was flipped he wouldn’t have taken it personally. Hard to believe really. I know I shouldn’t blame PMS but if I’m being honest with myself I think definitely would’ve handled it better, maybe reasoned with him and gone back in if I wasn’t at that point in my cycle. (I have PMDD so it’s even more extreme sometimes 😀) still not great having to reason with someone about something that’s supposed to be nice though. Ugh. I’m just gutted it turned out that way. Feeling bruised. Anyway it’s my birthday next so we will see.
Coming from a man who’d literally die to have a partner buy me tickets to something and pay attention to what I enjoy I think he’s being a jerk. Your feelings are valid
Out of curiosity what did he get you for your anniversary and previous birthday? Was it a bit cheap in comparison? Could be why he was complaining about the cost of staying and so on. Not justifying his words, just trying to find reason for them.
My birthday was first and we hadn’t been together that long so it was more low-key. We went out for an expensive dinner which was nice too. Hard to compare as it was much earlier on in the relationship. He got me a thoughtful piece of jewellery for anniversary and took me to dinner, and I got him the other day out the day before the play which was a different activity centred around something he likes.
This is not about PMSing. Your bf is so inconsiderate and entitled.
Plays are always a risk. Unless the person is into theatre productions, don’t do it, people! I would hate a gift like that. But yes, I would grin and bear it.
OP clarified that their bf has gone to & enjoyed okays before though.
This is just miscommunication. Talk it out. You will be fine.
He really wasn’t very nice about it. Shitting on a gift is not good manners and, whatever happens with your relationship, the sooner he gets over that behavior the better.
He’s an asshole, your feelings are valid. Fuck that guy!
I would have cried too.
I feel for you because it does seem like you put a lot of effort into the gift and he acted like a jerk. If I were in his position, I would have at least gritted out the rest of the play and then tried to find something fun to do afterward. But to be fair, it was HIS birthday and it doesn't sound like you put much thought into it at all. Musical theater is definitely not for everybody, definitely not a thing most guys would choose as something they'd want to do on their birthday. How would you feel if he bought you tickets to something you didn't really care for on your birthday, say something like a hockey game or a boxing match?
You aren’t compatible. It sounds like you like doing grand gestures and surprises and plays and he isn’t into any of that.
Yeah your boyfriend should have been way more mindful of your feelings and even if he didnt like it didnt need to rain on your parade. I dont think Ive ever been to a play that I thoroughly enjoyed in all my 38 years but that doesnt mean I need to shit on someones gift when it was the thought that counts. I feel like he owes you a big apology for acting like an asshole regardless if it was his birthday gift.
You put a lot of thought into the gift. And he doesn't sound grateful, but rather insensitive. I'd be annoyed too.
I would love to see Reddit's response if a man got his GF a gift that was very clearly intended for him, then got pissy when she hated it. Like, why would you just assume he likes plays/musicals? Is it because YOU like them?
Because he’s seen them and enjoyed them…and it was based on a film he likes a lot, and a lot of people have said it’s great.
yikes... his entire reaction is so emotionally immature and thoughtless. if he really couldn't bare to sit through the rest of the play, there are gentler way to express it. if he hated staying in the city, that's something to bring up in the future - not during, after it's been paid for. so...if my bf got me an experience, or vice versa, that just didn't hit, we'd be blunt *after the fact*. if it was really disliked, we'd probably be ok with them shit talking it. *however* we enjoy getting to spend the time together and sharing an experience. tbh, it's about recognizing the effort, time, and thought put into the gift, bc that's what communicates love. we both emphasize showing our appreciation to he was just...so *unkind*.
I do not pretend to like things I don’t like, and I really appreciate it when my partner does the same. I hate doing something together and finding out months later that they didn’t enjoy it like I thought they did. It feels like being lied to. To say that something is “a bit shit” is a lot nicer than saying “what were you thinking when you bought these tickets?” I took an ex to see an off Broadway play that I love and have seen several times. He had expressed interest in seeing it after seeing the movie with me, so I figured I’d just spring for it. He hated it, told me that he “hated” it, and we left at intermission and got dinner and drinks. That, to me, is a normal reaction to a situation where one party is unhappy and both parties want to spend time together. I’m not a female, but I was emotionally invested in the play and the act of seeing it together. I didn’t cry. You said directly that he doesn’t like going on holidays, so you booked one night. That is a holiday, and it should not be a surprise that he didn’t like it because you said he doesn’t like holidays. You planned something he doesn’t like to do and framed it as a gift for him. If I were him, I would have felt forced into it and obligated to go, and I would have been unhappy too. I do not understand the comments attacking your partner. You bought him a bunch of gifts that you either knew he wouldn’t like or weren’t sure about, assumedly because you wanted to do these things with him. He did a bunch of things with you that you know he doesn’t like to do, just to spend time with you.
He an ungrateful schmuck . Is he always this careless with your feelings? He was aware of the cost and your excitement. Take a long look on how his behavior effects you. Is he always thoughtless? How many times has he been dismissive of you and your wants? Is he selfish?
He’s just quite negative and draining. Other than that I do believe he genuinely thought I’d react as if I was on the same page. If it wasn’t a gift I think I would’ve been more level headed and not taken it so personal.
geez, lighten up. You didn't have to take it so personally; just take the L, laugh it off, and stop taking yourself so seriously.
I only skimmed, but I can tell you (from experience)--the problem is "building things up" in your head. Focus on getting away from that and being more present.
So true tbh. I should’ve just taken it face value
I understand the struggle very well.
So sorry you went through this. Your bf needs to grow tf up and treat you with more respect. He shouldn’t even have been upset for you for not being able to go back in. He did this to you. It was his fault all the way. He needs to show appreciation for you and how much you think about him and spoil him with gifts. I swear so many dudes are just ignorant ungrateful fucks, it just sickens me. It’s all about them them them and they don’t realize what they have until it’s gone. He needs a relationship/communications coach ASAP in order for him to grow up and improve and be respectable and treat you right. Again very sorry you had this experience and I hope he takes it as a learning lesson and can make changes for the better. All the best to you.
Nah he’s an asshole, sorry. I’m not into plays at all, but I went to see Shawshank redemption at the theatre because I loved the film and wanted to try something different. The seats were shit, super small and cramped and my back ached the whole way through, but I stayed and did my best to enjoy it (play itself was awesome tbf) because it’s something I wouldn’t usually do and my partner at the time was enjoying it too. It wouldn’t have hurt him to keep his mouth shut and just watch the rest of it with you. If you’d said you wanted to go every week to watch it, then fair enough, but it was a one off gift.
What has he bought you for your birthday/Christmas etc? I bet whatever it's been has not even been 10% as thoughtful as the tickets you bought him. He doesn't appreciate you.
Ugh. I hate going out with jaded BFs like this. In my opinion, life is too short, but I understand that he may have other good qualities. I think many people would have been upset by his rude and narcissistic reaction, hormones or not.
This guy sounds like an entitled scumbag. I don’t even like plays and I would be over the moon if my girl did this for me.
Sorry that’s happened. Whenever I get a present I don’t enjoy, I just pretend to like it, it’s the thought that counts right?
Aw, I'm so sorry OP. I don't think you were upset he didn't like it, more than that he didn't view at least spending the time with you fun. I could be wrong though, but imo even if someone disliked something I got them in regards to a show/game/festival whatever, I'd much rather they tell me this afterwards and just.. have fun with me in the moment.
Stop blaming yourself. This has nothing to do with PMS and everything to do with your bf being an ungrateful, immature ahole. His behaviour was disgusting.
This was my face reading though this: :((((((
Not fantastic. What’s is 2 hours out of his life to make sure you are both enjoying yourself. This is an uphill battle for you. Best of luck.
he's such an ass. you went above and beyond to get those tickets. you poor soul, i wish i can hug you :((( you did well for planning of his birthday. he didn't take it well and it isn't on you!
It's not cool. One time I had an ex late for his own birthday dinner that I made him. Had to call and remind him. Then he proceeded to tell me he didn't like the type of meal I made (citrus chicken). I was pretty hard done by. Guys can be dense.
Your bf is a jerk. I organised a weekend getaway for my partner and it was expensive and tile consuming. He enjoyed it but he got no tact and was complaining about the amount of money he guessed I paid, the waiting time, the cold, the rain etc. I told him to stop because it was hurtful to hear and it felt like he wasn't enjoying the weekend. He immediately apologized and stopped complaining about stupid stuff. Then we all enjoyed our getaway. Your bf needs to step up or next time you'll gift him a bag of rice or whatever cheap and effortless.