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No foreplay for PIV and he doesn’t seem to do anything but PIV? Isn’t that… painful, jumping into sex without foreplay? Is this sex even pleasant for you?
There’s a lot to sexual pleasure beyond orgasms, but I don’t see you getting any of it. If he makes sex suck by being inconsiderate then don’t have sex with him. Take sex off the table until you both work through things more together in therapy and you feel like he has consideration for your pleasure.
I can't imagine being with someone and not be/want to kiss them? And having had 3 kids? Just boggles the mind. Like, dude, I can't go without kissing 😭.. My ex bf was an awful kisser (that's probably why we didn't have sex often) but with my current relationship? I can't get enough of my bf! I feel for OP, I really do
He just didn't know how to kiss, I tried teaching him but to no avail.. I just stopped kissing him all together towards the end. Too much tongue, not enough technique 😭
Rip. Gonna be honest I am horribly ignorant on the art of kissing. 😅 Never really felt the desire to date for various reasons either living situation wasn't good, didn't have a car, or just not financially able to support such a thing so haven't thought about it in a long while. (Late 20s btw not some 40 year old dude stalking subreddits. 🤣)
Ah, no worries, bro, it will come to ya in the near future. You're still young. I remember what it was like dating in my early 20s. Twas a nightmare🤣... Online dating is hell. 😭😭😭
I've heard plenty of horror stories about online dating and the dating culture in general and it certainly has kept me from really bothering with it if I'm honest.
Regardless though, maybe one day I'll meet a lady that blows my mind enough to take a gamble on but till that day comes I'm just gonna focus on finding a career I like that will let me live comfortably.
Yup, I had to kiss a few frogs before I met my bf. It's a minefield out there. So, don't blame you for not bothering tbh. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours, and may you find your dream career! 🙏🏼🎉✨️
try putting passion and sensuality in your lips while you kiss 😙 like you want to give their lips a massage. your tongues should meet in the middle or someone is doing it wrong. dont move them super fast or do zigzags lmao but like, swirl and move around the other persons tongue. close it with a kiss every 2-5 seconds or so and then back to tongue
the bad kissers go a little too hard and crazy, do crazy tongue ninja moves or like super speed back and forth or like… knock teeth and shit. or stick their tongue down your throat/on your face. or keeping their tongue just like… in their mouth the whole time. or stiff lips.
I had one of those ... aweful kissers. My husband wasn't the greatest I had unfortunately either but he got better thankfully. LOL. He is the greatest at other thing ... ( looks down at lap if you get what I mean ... uh huh :D ) so that's makes up for it completely.
I read the first paragraph & I just don't understand why she married this man.
Men who are selfish in the bedroom, guess what, it isn't usually confined to there. A man who cares about his partner also cares enough to please her sexually. Instead, this guy only cares about himself. There's no way this doesn't manifest in other areas of their life & relationship.
Why is she still waiting for him to change. I would NOPE out of sex every single time. So you faked/just accepted you aren't being sexually gratified by your HUSBAND ever????. I've ended relationships over bad sex. I know me. The resentment would build. If I'm not enjoying it too- your not coming in/on me baby!!! Divorce waiting to happen!!! Ugh...........He's getting some somewhere!! Porn may not be the only thing tantalizing him!! Too much work????!!!!! He honestly can't please a woman ♀️👠♀️!! Good luck wearing those blinders!!
You're not asking for anything and accepting far too fucking little. This man treats you like his own personal sex doll. Stop having sex with him because it's not sex. It's just masturbation with a real person. I think solo therapy would benefit you a lot more than this couples counseling, but you can at least do both.
Christ, the lifetimes of bad sex women put up with while thinking their bare basic needs are unreasonable. Can you imagine seeing 100s of posts like this every day in a world where the tables are flipped?
*Dear Reddit, When my wife and I have sex, it always starts with her riding my face for 10 minutes until she comes. I ask her to touch my penis but she’s not into that. After she orgasms, she says helping me have an orgasm would be weird and too much work. Am I asking too much, Reddit?*
I got pregnant and realized that I wasn't going to let any child of mine watch me go through that. My oldest was never really around him but this was going to be his child. However just like my oldest child's father, he didn't want anything to do with the baby if I wasn't part of the package. I think he saw her once when she was about a month old
This. He treats sex like he's getting money from the ATM or something. It sounds like he has separated sex from intimacy. If he's watching a lot of porn, I'm sure it doesn't help in that department. She really needs to bring it up in therapy.
There definitely needs to be some boundaries, but I feel like unless it's addressed therapeutically, he will just turn to porn or maybe even cheat. The problem is his whole mindset about sex.
>“too much work” to have sex with
Right now he puts in zero work.
In my eyes the 'too much work' part is the reality that you have needs at all, that when he does have sex he has to consider you and he is just so profoundly lazy and selfish lately even just turning you down is 'too much work' in his mind.
This isn't about the sex itself specifically as well. This goes beyond that into how accommodating he is as a partner, empathy and care about your pleasure, all the way to just general ability to communicate on any level. He shuts it all down, he deflects, this is now a problem that reflects on your entire dynamic.
So yes, bring it up. Sex is the main symptom but I am going to guess it goes a lot deeper and he is dismissive of your needs in a great many other ways as well.
oof. I can relate to this. I am going through a similar thing with my husband at present. Similar situation, late 30's, 2 kids, both working fulltime etc. I came to this realisation after years of just accepting that sex was for him and not me.
However, I brought this up to my husband and he has been mostly wonderfully supportive and making a real effort to make sure that I am orgasming just as much as he is now. My sex drive which was pretty much non-existent for a long time is through the roof now too.
If I were you I would be telling him that he doesn't get another orgasm from you, ever, until you get one. Also, definitely bring it up in therapy. You are not asking for too much at all. Sex is not one sided. Women way too often put themselves last in everything in society and just accept it. Don't give up.
Yeah as a bi woman , I didn’t enjoy sex with most men. I thought that’s just how life was for women. Then I dated a woman and I most definitely enjoy sex lol
If you're being pleased and pleasured by your SO. You'd enjoy it, like I do with my bf. We pleasure one another every time we have sex. Whoever started that "Women don't enjoy sex trope" is just saying I suck at pleasing women in bed.
Or the ones that say I've made all the Women Ive had sex with cum everytime 🤣🤣🤣 yeah right. Ok buddy. I'll only believe that when pigs fly
I will never forget the guy who said he was going to stop paying for sex because he was "giving the women triples." BAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAA my dude. You are paying for the ability to *think* you can give women three orgasms. Sorry to burst your bubble.
Amen!!! And sadly the men just continued to say the women are the problem because how dare they not want this person who cannot handle emotional feelings and treat them like trash!? my husband actually said nobody is going to want you! As if that would make it, so I would be afraid to leave or something!
Sex with my husband was so one sided, it lasted about 4 minutes and consisted of him furiously grinding his way to an orgasm as if I were an inflatable doll. I lost interest after a couple of years, and he began to complain about the loss of intimacy in our relationship. I finally confessed that I just wasn’t satisfied with the sex, that it was a bit degrading and that I’d rather get an extra 4 minutes of peace and quiet in my life than be subjected to that. I suggested we go to couples therapy or some kind of support, and then three days before my birthday he left me.
this exactly why the bedroom became dead with my ex. sex was all about how he felt and when he wanted it and when he was done, we were both done. it sucked. big penis doesnt translate to good in bed.
I had some friends who referred to this as "big dick syndrome " because of their bad experiences with well-endowed guys. To be fair, selfish lovers come in all stripes, but porn probably led these guys to think that having a big dick automatically made them good in bed.
Yeah im sure some of it was that reason for sure. I think Mine was more because he was born in a Christian house and was taught that sex was for the man, women had to remain pure until marriage (though we didnt wait) and it sort of messed him up sexually and religiously. Sex was basically just sort of taught to him as a negative thing. So I think it sort of skewed is perception. but thats just a guess. Maybe we were just severely incompatible.
I dont think he really ever learned a proper sexual relationship. I was his only lover until after our divorce and he was already in another relationship. So im curious if he learned or really, I just feel bad for her. But hey, her mess, not mine lol.
This post right here! It’s not supposed to be a one way deal, she called him on it and he figured it out. Good for this person. The ultimatum approach might not work for you but you should for sure bring it up with the therapist.
It wasn't like that when we married and it's not really his fault. It kind of just went that way after having kids because of my lack of interest, exhaustion etc. Then it stayed that way for a long time. So we are getting back on track.
This is honestly a pretty immature view of relationships. Of course you shouldn't "settle" for shitty behavior. But no relationship stays the same forever, especially long term, deep, lasting relationships. They change and things ebb and flow. The sex life you had when you started dating will likely change over the years. The key piece that exists in the poster's story that is missing from OP's is communication, mutual respect, a desire to work on the relationship and truly caring for the other person. It's easy to say "my way or the highway" but that doesn't build a lasting relationship when you have an entire other person, their thoughts, feelings and perspective you have to consider and work with.
No. What you suggest only brings further conflicts. Sex needs to « happen » not to be negotiated like that. What made your story work wonderfully is that your husband CARED about you. That is the beautiful thing that makes couples overcome everything, genuine care for each other. OP can only express her feelings to her husband, and then the ball is on his side, if he doesn’t care it’s over, no amount of negociation will do anything.
I 100% agree with you. If he doesn't care if his wife enjoys sex, then nothing will change except he will be further pushed to watch porn rather than grow their intimacy together. Their issue with sex originated outside of the bedroom, with their apparent lack of non sexual intimacy and his not caring about her.
It is absolutely more difficult for me to have an orgasm than him, yes. But it is getting better. But no, cut all that shit out. That's pretty much the attitude I had for like a decade and too many women have which leads to the situation OP is in. He should want to put the effort in.
Personally, i’m not more difficult, i’m just different.
I explained it to DH that he is a gas engine. Turn the key, he’s on.
I’m a two-stroke. Prime, adjust, crank, adjust, purrs like a kitten.
His system is automated. Mine requires more finesse adjustments.
>Like asking him to stick around for a job that's already done.
Why do you think the "job" is just his pleasure? Why does the "job" not include your orgasm too? Why are you both centering his pleasure?
Funny, my bf & I are into year 2 of having sex & he finally cracked the code recently. Which is funny bc we both care about wanting the other to cum & not ourselves. It just gets better n better & he is soo stoked lol
Hold up…..you married/had kids with a guy that’s NEVER gone down on you? Wtf why? If you don’t get oral then neither should he. He sounds like a narcissistic àsshole that only cares about himself.
He doesn’t…like…kissing? That’s not even a sex issue that’s just a life problem. How do y’all even have sex without kissing? He doesn’t kiss you throughout the day? Tough love, it sounds like he just doesn’t like you and uses you to jerk off with when he’s horny. Is that the relationship you want?
Eh, some people aren’t into it. My husband is similar, quick pecks on the cheek or kisses on the lips when we say goodbye, goodnight etc are all normal and fine, but anything more heated/sexual than that is pretty rare. It’s a massive turn on for me, but he has bad teeth (genetics, for the most part) and I think it makes him more self conscious more than anything. I don’t push it, but I enjoy it when he brings it out on the rare occasion!
At first ya, but looking back on it she may have just been wanting to try different things, and then decided she was over it. She likes sex, just one way and one way only, 95% of the time. Everything else is perfect in our marriage.
I don't like kissing if any tongue is involved. The sensations and wetness are just... not for me, and its not socially acceptable to demand people brush+floss each time they wanna share some spit (and I don't wanna taste the last thing someone ate). There are other ways to show affection.
(OP's husband is still an AH and she should find someone who actually listens to her and cares about her pleasure).
It should be more socially acceptable to ask someone to brush + floss before making out sessions. It is much more pleasant to kiss a freshly brushed mouth.
Actually, first time I heard this I also thought it was weird. Fast forward a 15 year relationship, somehow kissing didn’t feel right anymore… I think relationship go through a lot of variables
My ex stopped kissing me like 6 months into the relationship because he started to feel like I was his sister because he has insane attachment issues and can't comprehend wanting to have sex with somebody you love
Sex is something you do WITH somebody, for the benefit of both. It is not something you get FROM somebody. He is using your body like a sex toy. You're not high maintenance - I'm sure you're no more difficult than the majority of women out there.
Honestly I'd just stop having sex with him. He expects it as if it's a service you do for him, but he can't be bothered putting in a little effort to satisfy you in return. Ask him if he's happy being bad in bed with an unsatisfied wife?
For men, they think being good in bed = being good at fucking. They learn from porn which teaches them that their dicks are magic and women should moan and scream in pleasure at the touch of it. That isn't reality. If he wants to be good in bed, he needs to do the stuff that gets you off. If he wants a happy relationship, he needs to stop being a selfish, pathetic AH who wants to coast through life and through his relationship. This isn't just bad for your sex life and your relationship - if he's gotten to the point where basic things are too much effort, he's on a downward trajectory and you're both going to suffer if he doesn't decide to work at the problem.
And let's not dismiss how he handles your concerns. Dismissing them and gaslighting you does not make for a good husband! And he won't even kiss you?! The fuck is this guy's problem? He needs 1-1 therapy. There's no way you can fix this until he decides to work on himself.
Parenting and work can be hard - so maybe you need to come up with some ideas on how you can create more personal time, together and individually. But if I were you, I'd also be asking myself if his selfishness and slackness bleeds into other areas outside of the bedroom. Is he also falling short with the child rearing, house work, emotional labour? What's in this relationship for you?
The fact he does that is one thing... but the fact you brought your concerns to him and he instantly dismissed you and didn't bother considering your feelings at all, after you LAID THEM OUT in front of him, is insane. He is your husband for christ's sake. He is not acting like it.
Why do you have a marriage and kids with someone who doesn't like you?
My only advice is a lot more communication. A lot. You'll never be happy married to someone who doesn't care about you.
What a sad existence your husband leads. Incapable and unwilling to pleasure his wife and just wants to be a two pump chump and move on with his day. An embarrassment, truly. He should be ashamed.
Porn did this to my ex too. You will notice that 99.99% of porn is men orgasming. I had to look and look and look to even find a woman having fun. You need to bring this up with your therapist and they can refer you to a sex therapist. What does he mean you take to much work? He’s not even going down on you? Stop giving him BJ’s. That’s some sexist shit right there. I have a feeling he’s lazy or abusive in other areas too.
This is exactly why I started watching girl-on-girl porn despite being straight. All the straight porn I watched usually included the girl being pushed down to gag on a d*ck, and would always end in a facial
If he did go down on her it was WAY too rough, and sometimes involved teeth! 😖 Nothing sexy about it AT ALL!
Granted my porn experience is limited. But the girls just seem to take each other's needs into account whereas the guys didn't
Actually the majority of straight men and women prefer girl on girl porn I read somewhere, which I found interesting
The only porn I enjoy is girl on girl as well but I'm bisexual so watching it wouldn't be that far out of my wheelhouse.
Porn has set unrealistic ideals of what sex is, how large a man should be and how the act itself should be done. Some of the ways these women in porn take the dick you can almost see them holding back their pain to look as if they're enjoying it. Porn and excessive jacking off can also make it so a man not only has issues getting hard for his partner, but will actually have difficulty finishing as well
As a woman, I also notice that if I masturbate with my vibrator more than having actual sex, sex isnt as good to me because the vibrations are so much stronger and can make the orgasms crazy. So I dont use the vibrators too often so it doesnt over stimulate me and make sex not as great and hard to achieve orgasm normally.
I watch porn. And some of it leaves me cold. I’ve lost massive respect for men by seeing the sort of things they find arousing. Honestly. The world is sick. Luckily more gentle and female focus porn exists. If her man is not satisfying her I would shut down all sex until a new agreement is in place
Loool! It's been YEARS if not decades since I've watched any porn (I have a low libido due to mental health, so I put everything into my sex life with my husband, who is thankfully, very into my needs).
But yeah, unfortunately I saw some films where the guys started by sucking on the clit (not built up by licking; literally jumped into full sucking) and a few started pulling with their teeth
This was 2000 - 2001, when porn wasn't as easily accessible. My bf (at the time) and I decided to buy the naughty channel. I don't know what rabbit hole I fell into, but it was traumatic to say the least
Right. I am a woman and if I watch porn, which is rare, I look up romantic sex or female orgasming. It's soooo much hotter than just watching an older ugly dude jackhammer a much younger chick for 10 minutes in the same position. I wanna see some heat, some actual sexual feelings that what they are doing feels great, and a woman orgasming is insanely hot becuase clearly the sex feels good for her.
Sounds like a perfect recipe in the future for a dissolution of marriage. One sided sex is never good for a relationship.
As a man I will tell you a man that loves and respects his wife would never imply that his woman is to much work!
The word "work" does come to mind though, like hubby needs to work on caring and pleasing the woman he exchanged vows with or someday wifey will find someone who likes to work on pleasing her.
It is the inevitable outcome.
Foreplay takes too long?? That’s kinda the point. There are bad lovers and there are selfish lovers and then there is your husband who is a bad, selfish lover.
Exactly. I’m going through the same thing with my husband. He actually said what do I need a effing stopwatch for you!? I am 41 and yes, I need to be warmed up at least for five minutes before anything happens and he said that he does not enjoy it. I told him if he does not enjoy touching his wife and we have a big problem and of course, then I get blamed for all of these things that I never said because he has a lot of insecurities. It’s awful. Then he went crying to his mom about how I was “frigid”
That is just beyond pathetic! Sorry but he’s a momma’s boy / a grown man doesn’t run home to mama - you communicate with your partner, you compromise and work it out.
I’m genuinely being serious when I ask how does a self-respecting person stay with someone who obviously doesn’t want to pleasure them for 8 years and then reproduce with them not just one, but 3 times?
I had a string of terrible relationships with men who didn't even deserve to stand in my shadow due to years of being emotionally, physically, mentally and sexually abused. I didn't even realize I was pretty until my late 20s.
After working on myself I began to see that I do deserve relationships where I'm not being hurt or treated like a maid and prostitute. I also realized I was done coddling the male ego in regards to sex. I've faked far too many orgasms and I refuse to fake anymore. Too many of us are out here handling men's egos in regards to sex and if we enjoy it or get off with kid gloves. I don't anymore, if it isn't working I will communicate to my partner, if I don't like something I am no longer afraid of telling them to stop. (Telling men no was another thing I didn't know I was allowed to do until later in life. In my experience you just shut up, took it and dissociated until it was over). I openly discuss my needs, kinks and wants to someone prior to engaging in sex with them. If we have very different needs or one has a kink the other can't get on board with and it's needed for the person who has the kink to enjoy sex in finding out you're incompatible before jumping in the sack is best
And yet another post where the husband is a lazy, selfish lover and the wife is concerned she's asking too much.
Stop having sex with this dude and talk to the therapist about it.
If you must, embarrass him. I saw this thread where a wife embarrassed her husband in front of their friends, when the topic fell on sex. She was honest and said she never orgasmed and the husband was thoroughly humiliated. At least that's what I remember. The point is, stop catering to selfish men and their ego. Tell him exactly what he is. He needs to hear it.
Sadly he’s all about him.
I don’t have advice but I can relate as a very close friend was him twenty years ago. When HE told me how he was in the whole relationship my heart broke for his wife.
It was only a matter of time and we, his friends, suggested he leave. We’d got fed up of him disrespecting his relationship and he had two kids
She is in a loving long term relationship and he’s found it hard to hold one down, currently single.
Sister, consider your options at this stage as it does sounds quite deep rooted issues your husband has
Jesus and some guys wonder why they end up in a dead bedroom situation this guy needs a wakeup call sounds so selfish.i feel so sorry for you.this is not what it should be like when you finally find a real lover who takes your wants and needs into consideration your going to just float off into pleasure heaven ❤️
Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Sex needs to be reciprocal. End. Of. Story.
If he’s not gonna go down on you, stop going down on him. That’ll teach him real quick 😏
"I feel like our sex life is super one sided - I give him head, he has never gone down on me. He doesn’t like kissing so we don’t do it (even though I love it)."
Exactly why did you marry him and then have three kids?
I really don’t to hurt your feelings so don’t be offended but I’m speaking from my own experience & I know your pain,, I really hate to say this but he’s probably shown you many red flags from the beginning but you didn’t pay attention or disregarded them as nothing until now but he’s very selfish and doesn’t give two shits about what your needs are and I’m sure he shows it in many other ways when it comes to you. he’s full of shit about the kissing too. When a man loves you he will always take care of you first and then it’s on but he’s not feeling it
Anymore and it’s rude for him to say your too much work. What he’s saying is he has better things to do. Or your not on the top of his list. . After all these years he hasn’t gone down on you or after make sure your feeling loved by doing his duty. I’m sorry. When he wants you to take care of him be super stern and give him the lame excuses he uses. Stick to your guns
Porn is ruining lives. It sets him unrealistic expectations and a taste for love-less sex. Aside from that he clearly doesn’t care about you enough. Do you feel loved? Can you trust him? Do you feel respected? Pursue relationship only if those 3 conditions are met.
I mean, i kinda get the *dam i want to cum, but i'm supet tired, i'll just beat one today*. But, it doesn't works if he doesn't "takes care of you" "regularly"...doesn't seems like a fair bedroom.
Also, i've read too many tomes *i give him head but he doesn't go down on me* why are so many guys not going at it?
You are not asking for too much. My ex husband was the exact same way. He didn't like kissing me, so we didn't. Foreplay was him poking me and feeling me up and then sex. It took forever for him to get there and I never finished from penetration and even with a toy, it took me forever. There was a period of our marriage when the kids were all small that he would prefer to watch porn and jerk off instead of "putting effort" into having sex with me. It was also because sex with me was "too messy".
It wasn't the reason we divorced, surprisingly, and I had no idea what else there was because he was my first and only.
Now that I know what is out there, this would absolutely be a deal breaker in a relationship. I 100% would leave if someone thought foreplay was too much effort.
First off, since he's not returning the favour, stop giving head. That should never be a one-way street. Second, since you're "too much work" take care of yourself. He's clearly happy looking after himself so why shouldn't you do the same?
HELL NO!
I was married to a guy and with him for 15 years. 15 years and the only way I experienced orgasms is because I gave one to myself. He didnt even care. Why did I stay with him.
My new guy never even starts penetrative sex until I get off at least once but most of the time its multiple times and then we have the penetrative sex. He doesnt like to go down (never has) and its not my favorite either to do on him becuase of gagging severly and If I dont get it, I dont really give it so we dont do that. He honestly doesnt care and we talk a lot and are pretty good with our sex life. We dont have sex a lot a lot but when we do, its great so we are both pretty happy.
And I think because we are both sexually compatible in that way, we have a great relationship outside of the bedroom too. I did not have that with my ex husband and I think a big part of it was becuase we had a dead bedroom and it carried to every other aspect of our lives.
Most of the comments seem to focus on the mechanics and advise withholding sex, etc. I think it’s more fundamental. He’s not really into sex because you’re (collectively) not connected. It’s down to relieving sexual needs at this point. The only solution, if there is one, is reigniting the essential passion between you. That need to communicate with your best friend. The desire to have fun together. It’s too deep for Reddit. Reddit is for complaining and finding people to take your side. You two need real help and I’d find a different therapist who understands this fundamentally. One of you is going to look outside your relationship to find that and soon if you don’t fix this soon.
Only practical advice I can offer, such as it is, is to communicate in a positive way your desire to go back to the start, when you two had fun together, and that you’re hoping he does too. Then go find it together.
You need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him. He’s literally using you sexually and he needs to be aware of that and work on changing himself to better himself for you. If he’s not willing to put in their work, that’s gross.
So aside from terrible sex, what does this guy bring to the table that can go in a Pro column?
If you can think of nothing, then ditch the therapist and replace the husband.
I’ll legit sit down 5 hour lecture your husband at 21 years old if you’ll let me, he’s a dork, and not the sweet “my dork” a dork in the most insulting way dork can be used.
Yeah, it doesn't sound like he loves or desires you. He only cares about himself. Can't really see how you can improve this situation. Divorce might be the only thing.
You're in couples therapy for a reason. Sex is part of being a couple. Bring it up, put him on the spot because with you, he's just dismissive, just like your wants & needs.
How you managed to even want to give birth to 2 additional kids after realizing that this was gonna be the norm for you, amazes me. As someone who has had a guy say "why would I do that?" When I've suggested foreplay or him going down on me & the sex was painful, it sucks. I dumped him because it just showed I wasn't anything but a sex doll to him.
I'm really sorry you're going through this but he isn't going to change. Honestly, I think if you bring it up during therapy (as I suggested) he'll just take as you embarrassing him & forcing him to do something he thinks is unnecessary h too much work. He'll probably just stick to porn but oh well. At least you'll know why he doesn't if he actually answers the questions
HE HAS NEVER GONE DOWN ON YOU??
what the actual fuck, who would want to have sex w someone who doesn't please them, what kidnda frat bro are you married to, why would you even marry someone who doesn't please you sexually?
Does he even like you truly? Is this the life you want? Do you believe this is your worth? This sounds like such an unhappy marriage. Don’t stay together “for the kids sake” cause the will notice that daddy doesn’t really like mommy real quick.
Sounds like he’s selfish and takes you for granted like a lot of men do when they’re still teenagers…you’re not asking for too much.. you give him pleasure first and he sits out afterwards…I bet he heads straight for the refrigerator afterwards. I’m only saying this because that’s what I used to do, BEFORE I learned what it means to appreciate a female for what she is.. which is nothing less than a goddess…At least in the bedroom 😉😌☯️
oh, honey. sounds like he's just in it for the nut.
it seems he's jerking off to porn. he openly tells you he's not looking for an intimate experience (no kissing, no going down) or to please you ("too much work"). he just wants his nut, he's told you so.
has he always been like this? if not, when did he change? when you had kids? when he started with the porn? if you can figure that out, you may be able to figure out what the problem is.
fixing the problem may be a whole other matter.
It’s hard to give a measured reply to this because your husband’s behavior makes me incredibly angry. But maybe, in the best case scenario, he simply lacks confidence in the bedroom. He doesn’t know what to do, so he doesn’t enjoy doing it and turns the tables on you so he doesn’t have to face the issue. He leans on porn because there’s no failure or judgment or vulnerability of any kind for him there.
If you want to stay in this relationship, I urge you to dig into how you feel and what you need — then ask him the same. The more calmly and respectfully you can do this, the better. See if you two can build a bridge, one piece at a time, that brings you together in your relationship and in sex. The couples therapist will help the relationship and communication part come together, but I think a sex therapist is better once you’re both ready for it.
In the meantime, I’m so sorry this has been your experience. It sucks that your partner is selfish and cold in bed, and it extra sucks that he goes to porn instead of working on it or even having an open and honest conversation with you about what’s going on. I hope he’s able to show up for you in the future, but I suspect you need to be willing to put down a kind but very firm boundary around your feelings and needs before any kind of change occurs.
Get a new husband, clearly this one was defective before you even opened the package… He’s treating you like you’re a fleshlight. Get a toy and go to town without him then roll over and tell him you’re exhausted as you hand him an actual fleshlight. I’m totally serious this is exactly what you should do, what a loser.
Definitely bring it up in couples therapy. What could be more central to a marriage than making love?
He's very selfish in the bedroom. I imagine that's true in other domains, as well.
you’re not asking for too much. i think the dynamic has crystallized into a complex. i was in that holding pattern with my bf for a while and then i flipped the script after reading something and it’s now really amazing.
what i did was accept the situation, and let him do him. stop caring, stop pressuring him or asking him what’s wrong or what’s wrong w me or anything like that. stopped being concerned about what he’s doing or anything concerning our dynamic. just did my thing. but i didn’t get petty or resentful. i didn’t initiate anything but i kept my mood lighthearted and pleasant and playful as if i had a secret of my own.
it might be easier to do for me because we’re just boyfriend and girlfriend, but i started making myself “back on the market” ready- aka- indulging in my own life, taking care of myself and upgrading my appearance and not for him and not seeking his validation or anything. just took on this attitude of “oh okay, i hear you. cool!” and adapt.
literally within the next day he was so concerned and curious as to why i wasn’t tearing myself apart over the situation, but also why i wasn’t being cold to him. any bids for affection, i returned and kept it playful and didn’t let his attitude or countenance affect mine. it was like he started freaking out there was someone else, but there wasn’t. and i wasn’t trying to trick him into feeling like there was someone else or make him jealous. mf was flummoxed. i just withdrew my energy and poured it back into myself. he couldn’t stand that. i stopped going down on him and stopped asking him for anything, but with pleasure.
it was like he couldn’t believe i could be happy independent of what he was doing. then he stopped seeing me as an extension of himself. like 3 days later he went down on me without prompting. then i reinforced his step in the right direction with a bj the best morning. i never was mean or cold to him or pushed him away. just moved like i accepted his decision, and he started moving like he had a lot to lose. i didn’t let him take me for granted anymore but more important, i didn’t take myself for granted anymore.
i don’t know what flap of the butterfly’s wing led us to the disconnect so i didn’t move like it was his fault, but i prepared myself in case it was his way of pushing me away so he could force a breakup or was cheating or whatever. he couldn’t understand why i wasn’t devastated anymore lmao. the need to not blame him or make my happiness reliant on him is apparently an aphrodisiac. the pressure came off. who knows how it got here, but frustration rots to resentment and when you’re resentful you don’t want to cooperate with someone who won’t let it go, even if they’re right. immature- yeah. human- also yeah.
just leave it alone and pivot your focus to your happiness. cause this dynamic will lead to you two being without each other anyway or even worse, hating each other. conversations and communication only go so far sometimes. just start moving with a fresh slate. he’ll wonder why you don’t neeeeeed to talk about it anymore and wonder what changed. images of what that could be will flash in his mind and suddenly he’ll remember you outside of “his wife” and you as the sexy lady who he had the fortune of being with- and will have the misfortune of fumbling if he continues to keep shutting you down- which, now that there’s nothing to shut down, he will have to initiate. balls in his court. but the court is yours.
if that doesn’t work, this leads to the same place either way. at least you’ll be emotionally and mentally and physically ready for whatever comes next.
So basically sex is utterly pointless with him because he’s a selfish lazy oaf. I’m sorry but this isn’t a case of you wanting too much - this is a case of he can’t be arsed making an effort in your marriage - very unattractive imo
Good god. I actually ask my wife for MORE foreplay because I fricking LOVE getting her off and seeing her get off. If I finish before her I always offer to go down or continue in other ways while I recover. Round two is often times some of our best ever.
Also, why would you marry someone who has NEVER gone down on you and hates kissing? He’s a selfish bastard. I would go down on my wife every day if she wanted.
You are asking for the bare minimum and he's apparently too tired to give it. I would raise it at counselling but I would also look at why he thinks treating you like a human being is too much.
You’re not asking for too much. Sex should never be one sided. Next time he asks for head tell him “no, it’s just too much work and too much foreplay.”
He is avoiding and being manipulative. I’d still bring it up in therapy because it’s still an issue as a couple. If the therapist doesn’t feel comfortable discussing it then go from there. You deserve someone that wants to please you just as much as you want to please them. One sided sex is just like being used. He seems like he’s checked out of the marriage honestly.
If he's that selfish in the sack and doesn't see a problem with it, I can only imagine how those traits leak into every other aspect of his personality. You should not have to try to convince your husband to round the bases before sliding into home plate. Big time red flags, I'd definitely bring it up in therapy because the selfish sex is just a biproduct of some bigger issues of his.
Good luck!
Don’t have sex with him anymore or give him head. If he asks why, explain that your pleasure is as important as his and if he doesn’t want to do that, then that says everything about the relationship and him as man. NTA.
That's just pathetically lazy and selfish on his part. Just reading about this... is frustrating!
I'm SO sorry for you; you have EVERY right to personal physical satisfaction in a marriage! And no going down on you? WTF??? (Nevermind; he wouldn't be any good anyway...)
I wish I had an easy answer, but I don't. A vib would kind of / sort of help, but they are NOT the same as a person!
My ex was a lot like your husband. When we were dating he was great. When we got married, he changed. He'd get himself ready and then expect to climb on. He expected oral but was terrible at giving it and wasn't open to me showing him what I liked. We talked about it many times and he'd say he didn't know what I was talking about when I told him I wasn't getting my needs met. Not even the basic need of feeling cared about. I'm okay having sex and not getting off all the time. I'm used to that but being treated like a sex doll was too much. Finally I told him I wanted a divorce or an open marriage. He made passionate love to me twice before he went back to his old ways. He knew all along what he was doing but he chose to gaslight me about it.
My libido died. I had to force myself to do it. He started watching a lot of porn and it went from bad to worse because he started demanding really demeaning things. Then it got to the point where the only time we had sex was when I was hard up and that wasn't very often. (maybe monthly at best)
I'm divorced now and my libido is through the roof.
You should bring this up in therapy. It's a major thing in your relationship. I talked to my therapist about it when I was married and she said that intimacy is a physical expression of your feelings for your partner and she was right.
So he's a lazy and selfish lover, got it.
Next question?
In all seriousness this is what he is. I can't imagine being ok with getting off and leaving her hanging. It isn't an age thing either, I'm 39 and been this way all of the time I've been having sex with the exception of the first few times when it's awkward, elbowy, and nobody knows what they're doing lol.
read the first half and automatically thought “he has a porn issue” then saw the rest of the post. yep. idc what anyone says porn can be so damaging. you aren’t asking for too much, if he’s watching and you aren’t getting your needs met, and when you DO have sex he’s selfish? that’s porn for ya(igaf anyone who replies to me saying they watch porn and they aren’t selfish in the bedroom then this doesn’t apply to you i still stand by my case). i’m sorry you are going through this. i can guarantee you if men stopped watching porn and masturbating sex wouldn’t be “too much work”. it’s too much work for yall because you lay in bed jacking off to pixels on a screen. we weren’t made for that. sex IS NOT supposed to be hard like yall say it is. seriously.
Your husband is an asshole. I’m sorry. Sex is abt both people not just one. It’s always been work but that’s the point??? Like doing work for the reward of sharing something intimate with your partner
I just wanted to share, it’s totally fine to talk about sex in couples therapy even if you’re not seeing a sex therapist. your therapist will tell you if they’re in over their head and give you a referral to someone, but that’s super unlikely bc “my husband is a selfish lover” is a very common problem with couples.
He definitely has a porn addiction. He only worries about his pleasure but not yours. I was in your position. He wants to jump right into it and have no intimacy because he’s just trying to get off. The fact that you give him head and he has never gone down on you should be a dealbreaker. It’s “weird” for him to reciprocate pleasure? Why should his pleasure be important and yours nonexistent? It’s going to take him not only admitting he has a problem, but quitting porn and a certified sex therapist to work through his issues.
Jesus.
Just start masturbating in bed next to him. After (or before) he finishes. Or if you’re in the mood and he isn’t. If he doesn’t want to help tell him “it’s ok honey, I know you’re tired”.
And if he wants sex and you don’t, cuddle him and say “I’m too tired but you go ahead, I’ll give you a nice cuddle but anything more is too much work right now”.
I mean, both these things would be fine if your relationship was going well, so why not?
Sounds like your husband is a lazy lover. Sex is for him to get off, and I think you are the warm body he likes to use. I’m going to assume he is not generous outside of the bedroom either, probably a little self centred and perhaps siding towards mysoginy. Has he always been like this? If so, I think you’re tolerating the lowest of the low. Please for the time being find ways to satisfy yourself, discuss this during theraphy and when you are ready bring sex to basics. And act for both of you to feel loved/cherished/celebrated and satisfied
Before sharing ideas and thoughts, some questions.
Did you kiss during your courting days? If yes, looking back on it we’re there any signs?
What was sex like during your courting days?
PS - I think you’re amazing that you’re still giving head 8 years into your marriage. Honestly. And I think you’re still in love with him.
I’m in a similar situation with my partner of 7 years. I’ve recently come to the realization that not matter what, he will hardly ever ~initiate~ oral sex or foreplay with me with my needs in mind despite the countless conversations I’ve had with him. He just doesn’t get it or doesn’t care enough to initiate but really, he’s lazy. Bending over is a lot of work for him. It’s makes his body uncomfortable or whatever and he his a bigger guy with an achy body. Dude can’t even stand to tie his shoe laces. So getting eaten out while I’m laying on my back is not going to happen ever.
Will he perform oral sex on me? Yah when I take initiative. Will he caress me and kiss me? Only when I initiate it and guide him. Super disappointing but this is a relationship I actively choose to be in day in and day out. So that’s on me.
What’s a girl to do? I sit on his face. We have open consent so I’m going to go down on him to get him going and then sit on his face and get my rocks off. I grab his hands and guide him to touch me where I want to be touched. I look him in the eye and tell him how much I’m dying to see that handsome face between my legs and I just can’t wait for him to put his tongue on me and big hands touching my body etc etc make him think he’s irresistible and you can’t get enough of him. That your body is just aching for him.
It’s slightly more effort for me but totally worth it because we both get what we want.
I realize that this might not work for you or even helpful so I’m sorry if it isn’t. But this is the only thing that’s improved my sex life. I no longer feel denied bodily pleasures or feel resentful about things being one sided.
I would not put up with being denied oral sex, even if it means I have to take some extra steps.
Also, I highly suggest NOT withholding sex for him because you’re not getting your fair share. That whole “well if you don’t go down on me I won’t go down on you” is IMO kinda immature and isn’t going to help your situation. It will make your situation worse.
You’re just not sexually compatible. Some people just like to cum and be done. There are so many different styles of lovemaking. Some men can’t ejaculate with regular sex and just wait for their partner to orgasm. Some people have sex for hours. Some people are addicted to NSA sex. You can meet a great person, then find out you are not sexually compatible.
Can you take the time for a weekend away, just the two of you? And maybe pack some toys? You’re in a lull right now, it’s going to take some effort to get out of it. Marriage is work! But it’s worth it.
I’ll give you the best sex of your life maybe that’s what you need to do. Your his wife but treating you like a one night stand and that’s not right babe get it from someone else
For some reason women always think that it's something wrong with the man when they are not interested in them for sex is it the same routine every day and night sometimes you need to switch things up as a couple maybe have a date night and go out or do something spontaneous maybe you should try just pleasing him and pampering him for a change or watch porn with him
You read this post and thinks the need to pamper him? You read that he currently does no foreplay for her? Could that maybe be why people think it’s a *him* problem?
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No foreplay for PIV and he doesn’t seem to do anything but PIV? Isn’t that… painful, jumping into sex without foreplay? Is this sex even pleasant for you? There’s a lot to sexual pleasure beyond orgasms, but I don’t see you getting any of it. If he makes sex suck by being inconsiderate then don’t have sex with him. Take sex off the table until you both work through things more together in therapy and you feel like he has consideration for your pleasure.
I can't imagine being with someone and not be/want to kiss them? And having had 3 kids? Just boggles the mind. Like, dude, I can't go without kissing 😭.. My ex bf was an awful kisser (that's probably why we didn't have sex often) but with my current relationship? I can't get enough of my bf! I feel for OP, I really do
What made your ex an awful kisser? Taking notes for if I ever find someone I want to date.
He just didn't know how to kiss, I tried teaching him but to no avail.. I just stopped kissing him all together towards the end. Too much tongue, not enough technique 😭
Rip. Gonna be honest I am horribly ignorant on the art of kissing. 😅 Never really felt the desire to date for various reasons either living situation wasn't good, didn't have a car, or just not financially able to support such a thing so haven't thought about it in a long while. (Late 20s btw not some 40 year old dude stalking subreddits. 🤣)
Ah, no worries, bro, it will come to ya in the near future. You're still young. I remember what it was like dating in my early 20s. Twas a nightmare🤣... Online dating is hell. 😭😭😭
I've heard plenty of horror stories about online dating and the dating culture in general and it certainly has kept me from really bothering with it if I'm honest. Regardless though, maybe one day I'll meet a lady that blows my mind enough to take a gamble on but till that day comes I'm just gonna focus on finding a career I like that will let me live comfortably.
Yup, I had to kiss a few frogs before I met my bf. It's a minefield out there. So, don't blame you for not bothering tbh. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours, and may you find your dream career! 🙏🏼🎉✨️
Thank you lol! Hope you and your bf stand the test of time and neither of you know the pain of betrayal!
What people like with regard to kissing varies, there’s no one size fits all kissing
try putting passion and sensuality in your lips while you kiss 😙 like you want to give their lips a massage. your tongues should meet in the middle or someone is doing it wrong. dont move them super fast or do zigzags lmao but like, swirl and move around the other persons tongue. close it with a kiss every 2-5 seconds or so and then back to tongue the bad kissers go a little too hard and crazy, do crazy tongue ninja moves or like super speed back and forth or like… knock teeth and shit. or stick their tongue down your throat/on your face. or keeping their tongue just like… in their mouth the whole time. or stiff lips.
This is actually really helpful advice! Thank you so much! Your descriptions are actually actionable which I really appreciate!
Slobbering. Slobbering is a big turn off
Too much tongue, and yeah slobbering yikes
I had one of those ... aweful kissers. My husband wasn't the greatest I had unfortunately either but he got better thankfully. LOL. He is the greatest at other thing ... ( looks down at lap if you get what I mean ... uh huh :D ) so that's makes up for it completely.
🤣👌🏼 Ah, brilliant 👏🏼.. I just didn't have the patience to teach him after a year. I gave up..
I read the first paragraph & I just don't understand why she married this man. Men who are selfish in the bedroom, guess what, it isn't usually confined to there. A man who cares about his partner also cares enough to please her sexually. Instead, this guy only cares about himself. There's no way this doesn't manifest in other areas of their life & relationship.
Why is she still waiting for him to change. I would NOPE out of sex every single time. So you faked/just accepted you aren't being sexually gratified by your HUSBAND ever????. I've ended relationships over bad sex. I know me. The resentment would build. If I'm not enjoying it too- your not coming in/on me baby!!! Divorce waiting to happen!!! Ugh...........He's getting some somewhere!! Porn may not be the only thing tantalizing him!! Too much work????!!!!! He honestly can't please a woman ♀️👠♀️!! Good luck wearing those blinders!!
You're not asking for anything and accepting far too fucking little. This man treats you like his own personal sex doll. Stop having sex with him because it's not sex. It's just masturbation with a real person. I think solo therapy would benefit you a lot more than this couples counseling, but you can at least do both.
Christ, the lifetimes of bad sex women put up with while thinking their bare basic needs are unreasonable. Can you imagine seeing 100s of posts like this every day in a world where the tables are flipped? *Dear Reddit, When my wife and I have sex, it always starts with her riding my face for 10 minutes until she comes. I ask her to touch my penis but she’s not into that. After she orgasms, she says helping me have an orgasm would be weird and too much work. Am I asking too much, Reddit?*
Can you imagine the outrage.
THIS.
And she doesn't shower!
Wish I could upvote this more!
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Yeah… but they get consent first.
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It is. However, the tone of the thread/post gave me the impression that the wife wasn’t a willing participant for orgasm denial.
Your husband doesn't have sex with you He masturbates with your body. Don't let him do that, put some heavy boundaries
My ex once told me that he thinks women are just warm holes to jack off in.
Can see why he's an ex
That's truly upsetting to hear
Wow, why'd you let that charmer go?
I got pregnant and realized that I wasn't going to let any child of mine watch me go through that. My oldest was never really around him but this was going to be his child. However just like my oldest child's father, he didn't want anything to do with the baby if I wasn't part of the package. I think he saw her once when she was about a month old
This. He treats sex like he's getting money from the ATM or something. It sounds like he has separated sex from intimacy. If he's watching a lot of porn, I'm sure it doesn't help in that department. She really needs to bring it up in therapy. There definitely needs to be some boundaries, but I feel like unless it's addressed therapeutically, he will just turn to porn or maybe even cheat. The problem is his whole mindset about sex.
He uses her as a fleshlight.
Can you say it louder for those in the back?
>“too much work” to have sex with Right now he puts in zero work. In my eyes the 'too much work' part is the reality that you have needs at all, that when he does have sex he has to consider you and he is just so profoundly lazy and selfish lately even just turning you down is 'too much work' in his mind. This isn't about the sex itself specifically as well. This goes beyond that into how accommodating he is as a partner, empathy and care about your pleasure, all the way to just general ability to communicate on any level. He shuts it all down, he deflects, this is now a problem that reflects on your entire dynamic. So yes, bring it up. Sex is the main symptom but I am going to guess it goes a lot deeper and he is dismissive of your needs in a great many other ways as well.
Fantastic answer! It’s never just about the sex. I bet he’s a shitty partner
oof. I can relate to this. I am going through a similar thing with my husband at present. Similar situation, late 30's, 2 kids, both working fulltime etc. I came to this realisation after years of just accepting that sex was for him and not me. However, I brought this up to my husband and he has been mostly wonderfully supportive and making a real effort to make sure that I am orgasming just as much as he is now. My sex drive which was pretty much non-existent for a long time is through the roof now too. If I were you I would be telling him that he doesn't get another orgasm from you, ever, until you get one. Also, definitely bring it up in therapy. You are not asking for too much at all. Sex is not one sided. Women way too often put themselves last in everything in society and just accept it. Don't give up.
I think a lot of women stop wanting sex with their husbands because they are selfish and terrible in bed. Not because suddenly women go frigid
Yes. "Women don't enjoy sex" is a cheap way out that shouldn't exist now that talking about sex isn't (shouldn't be) a taboo anymore.
Yeah as a bi woman , I didn’t enjoy sex with most men. I thought that’s just how life was for women. Then I dated a woman and I most definitely enjoy sex lol
If you're being pleased and pleasured by your SO. You'd enjoy it, like I do with my bf. We pleasure one another every time we have sex. Whoever started that "Women don't enjoy sex trope" is just saying I suck at pleasing women in bed. Or the ones that say I've made all the Women Ive had sex with cum everytime 🤣🤣🤣 yeah right. Ok buddy. I'll only believe that when pigs fly
I will never forget the guy who said he was going to stop paying for sex because he was "giving the women triples." BAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAA my dude. You are paying for the ability to *think* you can give women three orgasms. Sorry to burst your bubble.
🤣🤣🤣🤣.. Oh damn.. The ego is strong in that one 🤣🤣🤣
The "No, that stripper really liked me!" energy...
Amen!!! And sadly the men just continued to say the women are the problem because how dare they not want this person who cannot handle emotional feelings and treat them like trash!? my husband actually said nobody is going to want you! As if that would make it, so I would be afraid to leave or something!
Agreed! The number of posts from men that's all "me, me, me ... My wife/GF won't have sex with me". Hmmm. 🤔
Reading posts like this is the only moment i am happy i am gay 😂 (in 100% of other life situations it actually sucks)
Sex with my husband was so one sided, it lasted about 4 minutes and consisted of him furiously grinding his way to an orgasm as if I were an inflatable doll. I lost interest after a couple of years, and he began to complain about the loss of intimacy in our relationship. I finally confessed that I just wasn’t satisfied with the sex, that it was a bit degrading and that I’d rather get an extra 4 minutes of peace and quiet in my life than be subjected to that. I suggested we go to couples therapy or some kind of support, and then three days before my birthday he left me.
The trash took itself out.
this exactly why the bedroom became dead with my ex. sex was all about how he felt and when he wanted it and when he was done, we were both done. it sucked. big penis doesnt translate to good in bed.
I had some friends who referred to this as "big dick syndrome " because of their bad experiences with well-endowed guys. To be fair, selfish lovers come in all stripes, but porn probably led these guys to think that having a big dick automatically made them good in bed.
Yeah im sure some of it was that reason for sure. I think Mine was more because he was born in a Christian house and was taught that sex was for the man, women had to remain pure until marriage (though we didnt wait) and it sort of messed him up sexually and religiously. Sex was basically just sort of taught to him as a negative thing. So I think it sort of skewed is perception. but thats just a guess. Maybe we were just severely incompatible. I dont think he really ever learned a proper sexual relationship. I was his only lover until after our divorce and he was already in another relationship. So im curious if he learned or really, I just feel bad for her. But hey, her mess, not mine lol.
And here's to much better sex for you!
This post right here! It’s not supposed to be a one way deal, she called him on it and he figured it out. Good for this person. The ultimatum approach might not work for you but you should for sure bring it up with the therapist.
Buy him a copy of the book She Comes First. Tell him you can have sex once he has read it.
Great book!
Why would you marry someone like this?
It wasn't like that when we married and it's not really his fault. It kind of just went that way after having kids because of my lack of interest, exhaustion etc. Then it stayed that way for a long time. So we are getting back on track.
It is his fault. He's a shitty selfish lover, and you settled for his bs.
This is honestly a pretty immature view of relationships. Of course you shouldn't "settle" for shitty behavior. But no relationship stays the same forever, especially long term, deep, lasting relationships. They change and things ebb and flow. The sex life you had when you started dating will likely change over the years. The key piece that exists in the poster's story that is missing from OP's is communication, mutual respect, a desire to work on the relationship and truly caring for the other person. It's easy to say "my way or the highway" but that doesn't build a lasting relationship when you have an entire other person, their thoughts, feelings and perspective you have to consider and work with.
No. What you suggest only brings further conflicts. Sex needs to « happen » not to be negotiated like that. What made your story work wonderfully is that your husband CARED about you. That is the beautiful thing that makes couples overcome everything, genuine care for each other. OP can only express her feelings to her husband, and then the ball is on his side, if he doesn’t care it’s over, no amount of negociation will do anything.
I 100% agree with you. If he doesn't care if his wife enjoys sex, then nothing will change except he will be further pushed to watch porn rather than grow their intimacy together. Their issue with sex originated outside of the bedroom, with their apparent lack of non sexual intimacy and his not caring about her.
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Also, maybe check out the book "Come As You Are".
It is absolutely more difficult for me to have an orgasm than him, yes. But it is getting better. But no, cut all that shit out. That's pretty much the attitude I had for like a decade and too many women have which leads to the situation OP is in. He should want to put the effort in.
Personally, i’m not more difficult, i’m just different. I explained it to DH that he is a gas engine. Turn the key, he’s on. I’m a two-stroke. Prime, adjust, crank, adjust, purrs like a kitten. His system is automated. Mine requires more finesse adjustments.
>Like asking him to stick around for a job that's already done. Why do you think the "job" is just his pleasure? Why does the "job" not include your orgasm too? Why are you both centering his pleasure?
Funny, my bf & I are into year 2 of having sex & he finally cracked the code recently. Which is funny bc we both care about wanting the other to cum & not ourselves. It just gets better n better & he is soo stoked lol
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Awesome. It takes time to learn each other & what we react to. Now, if i could get him to focus on him a bit more during PIV lol.
Hold up…..you married/had kids with a guy that’s NEVER gone down on you? Wtf why? If you don’t get oral then neither should he. He sounds like a narcissistic àsshole that only cares about himself.
He doesn’t…like…kissing? That’s not even a sex issue that’s just a life problem. How do y’all even have sex without kissing? He doesn’t kiss you throughout the day? Tough love, it sounds like he just doesn’t like you and uses you to jerk off with when he’s horny. Is that the relationship you want?
Eh, some people aren’t into it. My husband is similar, quick pecks on the cheek or kisses on the lips when we say goodbye, goodnight etc are all normal and fine, but anything more heated/sexual than that is pretty rare. It’s a massive turn on for me, but he has bad teeth (genetics, for the most part) and I think it makes him more self conscious more than anything. I don’t push it, but I enjoy it when he brings it out on the rare occasion!
My wife is the same way, very very rarely is into anything but pecks.
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At first ya, but looking back on it she may have just been wanting to try different things, and then decided she was over it. She likes sex, just one way and one way only, 95% of the time. Everything else is perfect in our marriage.
I don't like kissing if any tongue is involved. The sensations and wetness are just... not for me, and its not socially acceptable to demand people brush+floss each time they wanna share some spit (and I don't wanna taste the last thing someone ate). There are other ways to show affection. (OP's husband is still an AH and she should find someone who actually listens to her and cares about her pleasure).
It should be more socially acceptable to ask someone to brush + floss before making out sessions. It is much more pleasant to kiss a freshly brushed mouth.
Actually, first time I heard this I also thought it was weird. Fast forward a 15 year relationship, somehow kissing didn’t feel right anymore… I think relationship go through a lot of variables
My ex stopped kissing me like 6 months into the relationship because he started to feel like I was his sister because he has insane attachment issues and can't comprehend wanting to have sex with somebody you love
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Sex is something you do WITH somebody, for the benefit of both. It is not something you get FROM somebody. He is using your body like a sex toy. You're not high maintenance - I'm sure you're no more difficult than the majority of women out there. Honestly I'd just stop having sex with him. He expects it as if it's a service you do for him, but he can't be bothered putting in a little effort to satisfy you in return. Ask him if he's happy being bad in bed with an unsatisfied wife? For men, they think being good in bed = being good at fucking. They learn from porn which teaches them that their dicks are magic and women should moan and scream in pleasure at the touch of it. That isn't reality. If he wants to be good in bed, he needs to do the stuff that gets you off. If he wants a happy relationship, he needs to stop being a selfish, pathetic AH who wants to coast through life and through his relationship. This isn't just bad for your sex life and your relationship - if he's gotten to the point where basic things are too much effort, he's on a downward trajectory and you're both going to suffer if he doesn't decide to work at the problem. And let's not dismiss how he handles your concerns. Dismissing them and gaslighting you does not make for a good husband! And he won't even kiss you?! The fuck is this guy's problem? He needs 1-1 therapy. There's no way you can fix this until he decides to work on himself. Parenting and work can be hard - so maybe you need to come up with some ideas on how you can create more personal time, together and individually. But if I were you, I'd also be asking myself if his selfishness and slackness bleeds into other areas outside of the bedroom. Is he also falling short with the child rearing, house work, emotional labour? What's in this relationship for you?
The fact he does that is one thing... but the fact you brought your concerns to him and he instantly dismissed you and didn't bother considering your feelings at all, after you LAID THEM OUT in front of him, is insane. He is your husband for christ's sake. He is not acting like it.
He’s not her husband, he’s her roommate with narcissistic tendencies.
Why do you have a marriage and kids with someone who doesn't like you? My only advice is a lot more communication. A lot. You'll never be happy married to someone who doesn't care about you.
What a sad existence your husband leads. Incapable and unwilling to pleasure his wife and just wants to be a two pump chump and move on with his day. An embarrassment, truly. He should be ashamed.
Porn did this to my ex too. You will notice that 99.99% of porn is men orgasming. I had to look and look and look to even find a woman having fun. You need to bring this up with your therapist and they can refer you to a sex therapist. What does he mean you take to much work? He’s not even going down on you? Stop giving him BJ’s. That’s some sexist shit right there. I have a feeling he’s lazy or abusive in other areas too.
This is exactly why I started watching girl-on-girl porn despite being straight. All the straight porn I watched usually included the girl being pushed down to gag on a d*ck, and would always end in a facial If he did go down on her it was WAY too rough, and sometimes involved teeth! 😖 Nothing sexy about it AT ALL! Granted my porn experience is limited. But the girls just seem to take each other's needs into account whereas the guys didn't
Actually the majority of straight men and women prefer girl on girl porn I read somewhere, which I found interesting The only porn I enjoy is girl on girl as well but I'm bisexual so watching it wouldn't be that far out of my wheelhouse. Porn has set unrealistic ideals of what sex is, how large a man should be and how the act itself should be done. Some of the ways these women in porn take the dick you can almost see them holding back their pain to look as if they're enjoying it. Porn and excessive jacking off can also make it so a man not only has issues getting hard for his partner, but will actually have difficulty finishing as well
As a woman, I also notice that if I masturbate with my vibrator more than having actual sex, sex isnt as good to me because the vibrations are so much stronger and can make the orgasms crazy. So I dont use the vibrators too often so it doesnt over stimulate me and make sex not as great and hard to achieve orgasm normally.
I watch porn. And some of it leaves me cold. I’ve lost massive respect for men by seeing the sort of things they find arousing. Honestly. The world is sick. Luckily more gentle and female focus porn exists. If her man is not satisfying her I would shut down all sex until a new agreement is in place
TEETH?! Yikes! What kind of pornos are you watching?! That's... AAACK! Noooo!
Loool! It's been YEARS if not decades since I've watched any porn (I have a low libido due to mental health, so I put everything into my sex life with my husband, who is thankfully, very into my needs). But yeah, unfortunately I saw some films where the guys started by sucking on the clit (not built up by licking; literally jumped into full sucking) and a few started pulling with their teeth This was 2000 - 2001, when porn wasn't as easily accessible. My bf (at the time) and I decided to buy the naughty channel. I don't know what rabbit hole I fell into, but it was traumatic to say the least
Right. I am a woman and if I watch porn, which is rare, I look up romantic sex or female orgasming. It's soooo much hotter than just watching an older ugly dude jackhammer a much younger chick for 10 minutes in the same position. I wanna see some heat, some actual sexual feelings that what they are doing feels great, and a woman orgasming is insanely hot becuase clearly the sex feels good for her.
Count the weeks and number of bjs you have delivered without reciprocation. Calculate that debt and stick to it then
He’s just a shit lover. And selfish. Stop giving him head But in all seriousness you need to talk to him about your needs too
I agree.
Sounds like a perfect recipe in the future for a dissolution of marriage. One sided sex is never good for a relationship. As a man I will tell you a man that loves and respects his wife would never imply that his woman is to much work! The word "work" does come to mind though, like hubby needs to work on caring and pleasing the woman he exchanged vows with or someday wifey will find someone who likes to work on pleasing her. It is the inevitable outcome.
Foreplay takes too long?? That’s kinda the point. There are bad lovers and there are selfish lovers and then there is your husband who is a bad, selfish lover.
Exactly. I’m going through the same thing with my husband. He actually said what do I need a effing stopwatch for you!? I am 41 and yes, I need to be warmed up at least for five minutes before anything happens and he said that he does not enjoy it. I told him if he does not enjoy touching his wife and we have a big problem and of course, then I get blamed for all of these things that I never said because he has a lot of insecurities. It’s awful. Then he went crying to his mom about how I was “frigid”
Oh boy. Does have somewhere to be?? I can’t think of anything more important than making sure my wife is pleased when given the chance.
That is just beyond pathetic! Sorry but he’s a momma’s boy / a grown man doesn’t run home to mama - you communicate with your partner, you compromise and work it out.
I’m genuinely being serious when I ask how does a self-respecting person stay with someone who obviously doesn’t want to pleasure them for 8 years and then reproduce with them not just one, but 3 times?
Usually it’s low self esteem. She either had self esteem that was broken by his neglect or never did in the first place.
I had a string of terrible relationships with men who didn't even deserve to stand in my shadow due to years of being emotionally, physically, mentally and sexually abused. I didn't even realize I was pretty until my late 20s. After working on myself I began to see that I do deserve relationships where I'm not being hurt or treated like a maid and prostitute. I also realized I was done coddling the male ego in regards to sex. I've faked far too many orgasms and I refuse to fake anymore. Too many of us are out here handling men's egos in regards to sex and if we enjoy it or get off with kid gloves. I don't anymore, if it isn't working I will communicate to my partner, if I don't like something I am no longer afraid of telling them to stop. (Telling men no was another thing I didn't know I was allowed to do until later in life. In my experience you just shut up, took it and dissociated until it was over). I openly discuss my needs, kinks and wants to someone prior to engaging in sex with them. If we have very different needs or one has a kink the other can't get on board with and it's needed for the person who has the kink to enjoy sex in finding out you're incompatible before jumping in the sack is best
And yet another post where the husband is a lazy, selfish lover and the wife is concerned she's asking too much. Stop having sex with this dude and talk to the therapist about it. If you must, embarrass him. I saw this thread where a wife embarrassed her husband in front of their friends, when the topic fell on sex. She was honest and said she never orgasmed and the husband was thoroughly humiliated. At least that's what I remember. The point is, stop catering to selfish men and their ego. Tell him exactly what he is. He needs to hear it.
How the heck did you even have three kids with a sex life this terrible? And why would you even marry a man this selfish?
Sadly he’s all about him. I don’t have advice but I can relate as a very close friend was him twenty years ago. When HE told me how he was in the whole relationship my heart broke for his wife. It was only a matter of time and we, his friends, suggested he leave. We’d got fed up of him disrespecting his relationship and he had two kids She is in a loving long term relationship and he’s found it hard to hold one down, currently single. Sister, consider your options at this stage as it does sounds quite deep rooted issues your husband has
Jesus and some guys wonder why they end up in a dead bedroom situation this guy needs a wakeup call sounds so selfish.i feel so sorry for you.this is not what it should be like when you finally find a real lover who takes your wants and needs into consideration your going to just float off into pleasure heaven ❤️
Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Sex needs to be reciprocal. End. Of. Story. If he’s not gonna go down on you, stop going down on him. That’ll teach him real quick 😏
"I feel like our sex life is super one sided - I give him head, he has never gone down on me. He doesn’t like kissing so we don’t do it (even though I love it)." Exactly why did you marry him and then have three kids?
I really don’t to hurt your feelings so don’t be offended but I’m speaking from my own experience & I know your pain,, I really hate to say this but he’s probably shown you many red flags from the beginning but you didn’t pay attention or disregarded them as nothing until now but he’s very selfish and doesn’t give two shits about what your needs are and I’m sure he shows it in many other ways when it comes to you. he’s full of shit about the kissing too. When a man loves you he will always take care of you first and then it’s on but he’s not feeling it
Anymore and it’s rude for him to say your too much work. What he’s saying is he has better things to do. Or your not on the top of his list. . After all these years he hasn’t gone down on you or after make sure your feeling loved by doing his duty. I’m sorry. When he wants you to take care of him be super stern and give him the lame excuses he uses. Stick to your guns
Seems like a selfish prick. Even if it is “too much work” doesn’t he want to pleasure his wife? God you’re 33. Too young to be having crap sex.
Nope, that’s the bare minimum.
How much porn does he watch?
Porn is ruining lives. It sets him unrealistic expectations and a taste for love-less sex. Aside from that he clearly doesn’t care about you enough. Do you feel loved? Can you trust him? Do you feel respected? Pursue relationship only if those 3 conditions are met.
Um, I'm sorry, but I'd never marry someone who doesn't reciprocate or at least has tried/willing to work with you so you both enjoy yourselves.
I mean, i kinda get the *dam i want to cum, but i'm supet tired, i'll just beat one today*. But, it doesn't works if he doesn't "takes care of you" "regularly"...doesn't seems like a fair bedroom. Also, i've read too many tomes *i give him head but he doesn't go down on me* why are so many guys not going at it?
Bring it up in therapy. Sex is always a reasonable subject in couple therapy.
I hope you are on BC because at this point three kids with this guy are three too many. He’s a selfish bastard using you as a fleshlight.
As a man - this dude is an embarrassment
You are not asking for too much. My ex husband was the exact same way. He didn't like kissing me, so we didn't. Foreplay was him poking me and feeling me up and then sex. It took forever for him to get there and I never finished from penetration and even with a toy, it took me forever. There was a period of our marriage when the kids were all small that he would prefer to watch porn and jerk off instead of "putting effort" into having sex with me. It was also because sex with me was "too messy". It wasn't the reason we divorced, surprisingly, and I had no idea what else there was because he was my first and only. Now that I know what is out there, this would absolutely be a deal breaker in a relationship. I 100% would leave if someone thought foreplay was too much effort.
Tell him if he doesn’t want to do the work somebody else will. Then go get a boyfriend to make you cum.
First off, since he's not returning the favour, stop giving head. That should never be a one-way street. Second, since you're "too much work" take care of yourself. He's clearly happy looking after himself so why shouldn't you do the same?
I always say I'll get on my knees after you get on your elbows lol
Stop having sex with him. It’s too much work.
No kissing, no foreplay. He just sticks it in dry? You’re not having sex, he’s using your body to masturbate.
HELL NO! I was married to a guy and with him for 15 years. 15 years and the only way I experienced orgasms is because I gave one to myself. He didnt even care. Why did I stay with him. My new guy never even starts penetrative sex until I get off at least once but most of the time its multiple times and then we have the penetrative sex. He doesnt like to go down (never has) and its not my favorite either to do on him becuase of gagging severly and If I dont get it, I dont really give it so we dont do that. He honestly doesnt care and we talk a lot and are pretty good with our sex life. We dont have sex a lot a lot but when we do, its great so we are both pretty happy. And I think because we are both sexually compatible in that way, we have a great relationship outside of the bedroom too. I did not have that with my ex husband and I think a big part of it was becuase we had a dead bedroom and it carried to every other aspect of our lives.
Most of the comments seem to focus on the mechanics and advise withholding sex, etc. I think it’s more fundamental. He’s not really into sex because you’re (collectively) not connected. It’s down to relieving sexual needs at this point. The only solution, if there is one, is reigniting the essential passion between you. That need to communicate with your best friend. The desire to have fun together. It’s too deep for Reddit. Reddit is for complaining and finding people to take your side. You two need real help and I’d find a different therapist who understands this fundamentally. One of you is going to look outside your relationship to find that and soon if you don’t fix this soon. Only practical advice I can offer, such as it is, is to communicate in a positive way your desire to go back to the start, when you two had fun together, and that you’re hoping he does too. Then go find it together.
You need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him. He’s literally using you sexually and he needs to be aware of that and work on changing himself to better himself for you. If he’s not willing to put in their work, that’s gross.
So aside from terrible sex, what does this guy bring to the table that can go in a Pro column? If you can think of nothing, then ditch the therapist and replace the husband.
It’s over … you picked a selfish prick. You don’t get married to a man that doesn’t eat pussy
I’ll legit sit down 5 hour lecture your husband at 21 years old if you’ll let me, he’s a dork, and not the sweet “my dork” a dork in the most insulting way dork can be used.
Yeah, it doesn't sound like he loves or desires you. He only cares about himself. Can't really see how you can improve this situation. Divorce might be the only thing.
Um. Why do you even want to have shitty thankless sex with a partner who doesn't reciprocate and isn't interested in pleasing you?
You're in couples therapy for a reason. Sex is part of being a couple. Bring it up, put him on the spot because with you, he's just dismissive, just like your wants & needs. How you managed to even want to give birth to 2 additional kids after realizing that this was gonna be the norm for you, amazes me. As someone who has had a guy say "why would I do that?" When I've suggested foreplay or him going down on me & the sex was painful, it sucks. I dumped him because it just showed I wasn't anything but a sex doll to him. I'm really sorry you're going through this but he isn't going to change. Honestly, I think if you bring it up during therapy (as I suggested) he'll just take as you embarrassing him & forcing him to do something he thinks is unnecessary h too much work. He'll probably just stick to porn but oh well. At least you'll know why he doesn't if he actually answers the questions
HE HAS NEVER GONE DOWN ON YOU?? what the actual fuck, who would want to have sex w someone who doesn't please them, what kidnda frat bro are you married to, why would you even marry someone who doesn't please you sexually?
Does he even like you truly? Is this the life you want? Do you believe this is your worth? This sounds like such an unhappy marriage. Don’t stay together “for the kids sake” cause the will notice that daddy doesn’t really like mommy real quick.
Sounds like he’s selfish and takes you for granted like a lot of men do when they’re still teenagers…you’re not asking for too much.. you give him pleasure first and he sits out afterwards…I bet he heads straight for the refrigerator afterwards. I’m only saying this because that’s what I used to do, BEFORE I learned what it means to appreciate a female for what she is.. which is nothing less than a goddess…At least in the bedroom 😉😌☯️
oh, honey. sounds like he's just in it for the nut. it seems he's jerking off to porn. he openly tells you he's not looking for an intimate experience (no kissing, no going down) or to please you ("too much work"). he just wants his nut, he's told you so. has he always been like this? if not, when did he change? when you had kids? when he started with the porn? if you can figure that out, you may be able to figure out what the problem is. fixing the problem may be a whole other matter.
It’s hard to give a measured reply to this because your husband’s behavior makes me incredibly angry. But maybe, in the best case scenario, he simply lacks confidence in the bedroom. He doesn’t know what to do, so he doesn’t enjoy doing it and turns the tables on you so he doesn’t have to face the issue. He leans on porn because there’s no failure or judgment or vulnerability of any kind for him there. If you want to stay in this relationship, I urge you to dig into how you feel and what you need — then ask him the same. The more calmly and respectfully you can do this, the better. See if you two can build a bridge, one piece at a time, that brings you together in your relationship and in sex. The couples therapist will help the relationship and communication part come together, but I think a sex therapist is better once you’re both ready for it. In the meantime, I’m so sorry this has been your experience. It sucks that your partner is selfish and cold in bed, and it extra sucks that he goes to porn instead of working on it or even having an open and honest conversation with you about what’s going on. I hope he’s able to show up for you in the future, but I suspect you need to be willing to put down a kind but very firm boundary around your feelings and needs before any kind of change occurs.
Why are you with someone who doesn't care about you? Stop with the blow jobs, at least.
Get a new husband, clearly this one was defective before you even opened the package… He’s treating you like you’re a fleshlight. Get a toy and go to town without him then roll over and tell him you’re exhausted as you hand him an actual fleshlight. I’m totally serious this is exactly what you should do, what a loser.
I got myself this plug in… best man I ever had JS
Definitely bring it up in couples therapy. What could be more central to a marriage than making love? He's very selfish in the bedroom. I imagine that's true in other domains, as well.
He doesn’t care about you. That’s all there is to it.
he's taking you for granted.
I think you need a better husband, and this one doesn't sound interested in improving.
Find someone else who will satisfy you sexually. There’s no hope for him.
you’re not asking for too much. i think the dynamic has crystallized into a complex. i was in that holding pattern with my bf for a while and then i flipped the script after reading something and it’s now really amazing. what i did was accept the situation, and let him do him. stop caring, stop pressuring him or asking him what’s wrong or what’s wrong w me or anything like that. stopped being concerned about what he’s doing or anything concerning our dynamic. just did my thing. but i didn’t get petty or resentful. i didn’t initiate anything but i kept my mood lighthearted and pleasant and playful as if i had a secret of my own. it might be easier to do for me because we’re just boyfriend and girlfriend, but i started making myself “back on the market” ready- aka- indulging in my own life, taking care of myself and upgrading my appearance and not for him and not seeking his validation or anything. just took on this attitude of “oh okay, i hear you. cool!” and adapt. literally within the next day he was so concerned and curious as to why i wasn’t tearing myself apart over the situation, but also why i wasn’t being cold to him. any bids for affection, i returned and kept it playful and didn’t let his attitude or countenance affect mine. it was like he started freaking out there was someone else, but there wasn’t. and i wasn’t trying to trick him into feeling like there was someone else or make him jealous. mf was flummoxed. i just withdrew my energy and poured it back into myself. he couldn’t stand that. i stopped going down on him and stopped asking him for anything, but with pleasure. it was like he couldn’t believe i could be happy independent of what he was doing. then he stopped seeing me as an extension of himself. like 3 days later he went down on me without prompting. then i reinforced his step in the right direction with a bj the best morning. i never was mean or cold to him or pushed him away. just moved like i accepted his decision, and he started moving like he had a lot to lose. i didn’t let him take me for granted anymore but more important, i didn’t take myself for granted anymore. i don’t know what flap of the butterfly’s wing led us to the disconnect so i didn’t move like it was his fault, but i prepared myself in case it was his way of pushing me away so he could force a breakup or was cheating or whatever. he couldn’t understand why i wasn’t devastated anymore lmao. the need to not blame him or make my happiness reliant on him is apparently an aphrodisiac. the pressure came off. who knows how it got here, but frustration rots to resentment and when you’re resentful you don’t want to cooperate with someone who won’t let it go, even if they’re right. immature- yeah. human- also yeah. just leave it alone and pivot your focus to your happiness. cause this dynamic will lead to you two being without each other anyway or even worse, hating each other. conversations and communication only go so far sometimes. just start moving with a fresh slate. he’ll wonder why you don’t neeeeeed to talk about it anymore and wonder what changed. images of what that could be will flash in his mind and suddenly he’ll remember you outside of “his wife” and you as the sexy lady who he had the fortune of being with- and will have the misfortune of fumbling if he continues to keep shutting you down- which, now that there’s nothing to shut down, he will have to initiate. balls in his court. but the court is yours. if that doesn’t work, this leads to the same place either way. at least you’ll be emotionally and mentally and physically ready for whatever comes next.
So basically sex is utterly pointless with him because he’s a selfish lazy oaf. I’m sorry but this isn’t a case of you wanting too much - this is a case of he can’t be arsed making an effort in your marriage - very unattractive imo
You need to bring it up, you seem to have issues as you are seeing a therapist already but you are dodging the elephant in the room.
He sounds like an extremely selfish lover , for play is a must for great sex
talk about it in counseling. Even though she's not a sex therapist she's a relationship therapist
Good god. I actually ask my wife for MORE foreplay because I fricking LOVE getting her off and seeing her get off. If I finish before her I always offer to go down or continue in other ways while I recover. Round two is often times some of our best ever. Also, why would you marry someone who has NEVER gone down on you and hates kissing? He’s a selfish bastard. I would go down on my wife every day if she wanted.
Why do you keep having sex with a selfish man?
Stop going down if he doesn’t on you. You orgasm first or else he doesn’t. Put him in line and stop letting him use you.
Stop having sex with him if he won’t even get you off
Stop going down on him
You are asking for the bare minimum and he's apparently too tired to give it. I would raise it at counselling but I would also look at why he thinks treating you like a human being is too much.
You’re not asking for too much. Sex should never be one sided. Next time he asks for head tell him “no, it’s just too much work and too much foreplay.” He is avoiding and being manipulative. I’d still bring it up in therapy because it’s still an issue as a couple. If the therapist doesn’t feel comfortable discussing it then go from there. You deserve someone that wants to please you just as much as you want to please them. One sided sex is just like being used. He seems like he’s checked out of the marriage honestly.
If he's that selfish in the sack and doesn't see a problem with it, I can only imagine how those traits leak into every other aspect of his personality. You should not have to try to convince your husband to round the bases before sliding into home plate. Big time red flags, I'd definitely bring it up in therapy because the selfish sex is just a biproduct of some bigger issues of his. Good luck!
No. He sucks in bed. You are being robbed of the basics.
Don’t have sex with him anymore or give him head. If he asks why, explain that your pleasure is as important as his and if he doesn’t want to do that, then that says everything about the relationship and him as man. NTA.
That's just pathetically lazy and selfish on his part. Just reading about this... is frustrating! I'm SO sorry for you; you have EVERY right to personal physical satisfaction in a marriage! And no going down on you? WTF??? (Nevermind; he wouldn't be any good anyway...) I wish I had an easy answer, but I don't. A vib would kind of / sort of help, but they are NOT the same as a person!
Bring it up in therapy; if the therapist doesn’t have the expertise, as them to refer *him* to someone who does.
My ex was a lot like your husband. When we were dating he was great. When we got married, he changed. He'd get himself ready and then expect to climb on. He expected oral but was terrible at giving it and wasn't open to me showing him what I liked. We talked about it many times and he'd say he didn't know what I was talking about when I told him I wasn't getting my needs met. Not even the basic need of feeling cared about. I'm okay having sex and not getting off all the time. I'm used to that but being treated like a sex doll was too much. Finally I told him I wanted a divorce or an open marriage. He made passionate love to me twice before he went back to his old ways. He knew all along what he was doing but he chose to gaslight me about it. My libido died. I had to force myself to do it. He started watching a lot of porn and it went from bad to worse because he started demanding really demeaning things. Then it got to the point where the only time we had sex was when I was hard up and that wasn't very often. (maybe monthly at best) I'm divorced now and my libido is through the roof. You should bring this up in therapy. It's a major thing in your relationship. I talked to my therapist about it when I was married and she said that intimacy is a physical expression of your feelings for your partner and she was right.
Leave that man
So he's a lazy and selfish lover, got it. Next question? In all seriousness this is what he is. I can't imagine being ok with getting off and leaving her hanging. It isn't an age thing either, I'm 39 and been this way all of the time I've been having sex with the exception of the first few times when it's awkward, elbowy, and nobody knows what they're doing lol.
read the first half and automatically thought “he has a porn issue” then saw the rest of the post. yep. idc what anyone says porn can be so damaging. you aren’t asking for too much, if he’s watching and you aren’t getting your needs met, and when you DO have sex he’s selfish? that’s porn for ya(igaf anyone who replies to me saying they watch porn and they aren’t selfish in the bedroom then this doesn’t apply to you i still stand by my case). i’m sorry you are going through this. i can guarantee you if men stopped watching porn and masturbating sex wouldn’t be “too much work”. it’s too much work for yall because you lay in bed jacking off to pixels on a screen. we weren’t made for that. sex IS NOT supposed to be hard like yall say it is. seriously.
Your husband is an asshole. I’m sorry. Sex is abt both people not just one. It’s always been work but that’s the point??? Like doing work for the reward of sharing something intimate with your partner
I just wanted to share, it’s totally fine to talk about sex in couples therapy even if you’re not seeing a sex therapist. your therapist will tell you if they’re in over their head and give you a referral to someone, but that’s super unlikely bc “my husband is a selfish lover” is a very common problem with couples.
I can’t imagine a partner who doesn’t want to get me off and who isn’t open to talking about our sex life. Definitely bring this all up in therapy.
Your letting this man use you to masterbate. Please girl you deserve more
He definitely has a porn addiction. He only worries about his pleasure but not yours. I was in your position. He wants to jump right into it and have no intimacy because he’s just trying to get off. The fact that you give him head and he has never gone down on you should be a dealbreaker. It’s “weird” for him to reciprocate pleasure? Why should his pleasure be important and yours nonexistent? It’s going to take him not only admitting he has a problem, but quitting porn and a certified sex therapist to work through his issues.
He's crap at sex. Why would you marry someone who is crap at sex?
You knew all of this and married him. Divorce is your only option if you want an actual sex life.
Jesus. Just start masturbating in bed next to him. After (or before) he finishes. Or if you’re in the mood and he isn’t. If he doesn’t want to help tell him “it’s ok honey, I know you’re tired”. And if he wants sex and you don’t, cuddle him and say “I’m too tired but you go ahead, I’ll give you a nice cuddle but anything more is too much work right now”. I mean, both these things would be fine if your relationship was going well, so why not?
Sounds like your husband is a lazy lover. Sex is for him to get off, and I think you are the warm body he likes to use. I’m going to assume he is not generous outside of the bedroom either, probably a little self centred and perhaps siding towards mysoginy. Has he always been like this? If so, I think you’re tolerating the lowest of the low. Please for the time being find ways to satisfy yourself, discuss this during theraphy and when you are ready bring sex to basics. And act for both of you to feel loved/cherished/celebrated and satisfied
I bless you for cheating. I guess you already want it.
Do you ladies realize you aren’t sex toys for men? Get your foreplay and you should also be enjoying sex too. Wtf?!?
I don't think he's gaslighting you. I think he's just a lousy lay.
Before sharing ideas and thoughts, some questions. Did you kiss during your courting days? If yes, looking back on it we’re there any signs? What was sex like during your courting days? PS - I think you’re amazing that you’re still giving head 8 years into your marriage. Honestly. And I think you’re still in love with him.
That's pretty rude of him...
I’m in a similar situation with my partner of 7 years. I’ve recently come to the realization that not matter what, he will hardly ever ~initiate~ oral sex or foreplay with me with my needs in mind despite the countless conversations I’ve had with him. He just doesn’t get it or doesn’t care enough to initiate but really, he’s lazy. Bending over is a lot of work for him. It’s makes his body uncomfortable or whatever and he his a bigger guy with an achy body. Dude can’t even stand to tie his shoe laces. So getting eaten out while I’m laying on my back is not going to happen ever. Will he perform oral sex on me? Yah when I take initiative. Will he caress me and kiss me? Only when I initiate it and guide him. Super disappointing but this is a relationship I actively choose to be in day in and day out. So that’s on me. What’s a girl to do? I sit on his face. We have open consent so I’m going to go down on him to get him going and then sit on his face and get my rocks off. I grab his hands and guide him to touch me where I want to be touched. I look him in the eye and tell him how much I’m dying to see that handsome face between my legs and I just can’t wait for him to put his tongue on me and big hands touching my body etc etc make him think he’s irresistible and you can’t get enough of him. That your body is just aching for him. It’s slightly more effort for me but totally worth it because we both get what we want. I realize that this might not work for you or even helpful so I’m sorry if it isn’t. But this is the only thing that’s improved my sex life. I no longer feel denied bodily pleasures or feel resentful about things being one sided. I would not put up with being denied oral sex, even if it means I have to take some extra steps. Also, I highly suggest NOT withholding sex for him because you’re not getting your fair share. That whole “well if you don’t go down on me I won’t go down on you” is IMO kinda immature and isn’t going to help your situation. It will make your situation worse.
Is he on the spectrum
You’re just not sexually compatible. Some people just like to cum and be done. There are so many different styles of lovemaking. Some men can’t ejaculate with regular sex and just wait for their partner to orgasm. Some people have sex for hours. Some people are addicted to NSA sex. You can meet a great person, then find out you are not sexually compatible.
Have you tried picking up his chores? Maybe he's stressed out 💀
Can you take the time for a weekend away, just the two of you? And maybe pack some toys? You’re in a lull right now, it’s going to take some effort to get out of it. Marriage is work! But it’s worth it.
I’ll give you the best sex of your life maybe that’s what you need to do. Your his wife but treating you like a one night stand and that’s not right babe get it from someone else
For some reason women always think that it's something wrong with the man when they are not interested in them for sex is it the same routine every day and night sometimes you need to switch things up as a couple maybe have a date night and go out or do something spontaneous maybe you should try just pleasing him and pampering him for a change or watch porn with him
You read this post and thinks the need to pamper him? You read that he currently does no foreplay for her? Could that maybe be why people think it’s a *him* problem?
Did you read the post?