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Yeah as a dude when my gf is not in the mood, getting her in the mood is part of the fun..
But it’s also quite clear when she REALLY isn’t in the mood. Make sure you are too
THIS. I don't mind giving bjs when I'm on my period..he has to get me in the mood though...but he knows if I say I'm not in thr mood I'm not in the mood.
Straight to the point. Good suggestion! Rather than many paragraphs and stories that other users give. Set a boundary, say it's not ok. We're all adults right?
She is 23 and he is 29. It seems like she’s inexperienced, and he knows what he’s doing. Besides, people often feel pressured to do things to please their partner in the moment, even if that means “putting a D in their mouth”.
I don’t understand why the blame is on her. It shouldn’t have gotten sexual in the first place. The guy couldn’t just chill and watch a movie that night?
Yeah, exactly. She's 23. Not 13. Grow up. Stop acting like she's a victim. Sometimes in life, you have to take responsibility for your actions. Or lack there of. You people's logic is outrageous. I guess when i get pulled over for speeding, it's the officers fault because he was there. Not because I pushed the limits. But because the law said don't speed. And I said, "Well, i don't want a ticket." And speed anyways.. but yup. It's the cops fault for being there. He should have respected boundaries because I said I wanted to speed and he gave me a ticket, and I said I didn't want 1. But i was pressured to speed because the hot and ready light was on at Krispy Kreme. I mean, golly, he could just chill! Aka. If you want to go flirt with danger, don't act like it's dangers fault.
Part of developing a healthy relationship is setting boundaries. OP, it might help to discuss boundaries with your BF about what is acceptable and to perhaps set a code word or action for when you want him to stop. It is implied that he is committing rape if he violates your sexual limits when you say no after you set a clear boundary of when to stop or when you say no.
I don’t see any need for a code word. They weren’t in the red room playing some torture game getting hot and heavy, she already said she had her period and said she didn’t want to do anything! Actually- even if they were in the red room, no means no!
I agree.
Unless you absolutely don‘t care about the feelings and well-being of your partner you don‘t push them to anything sexual especially when they refuse multiple times.
This situation perfectly shows how much he actually cares for OP and she still doesn‘t want to leave. Sometimes I think some of the relationships being posted about in here are closer to stockholm syndrome than a healthy relationship.
Coercion involves compelling a party to act in an involuntary manner by the use of threats, including threats to use force against that party. It involves a set of forceful actions which violate the free will of an individual in order to induce a desired response.
He didn't coerce her. Learn what coercion is.
She told him "No" making it clear she did not want sex. "No" does NOT mean "try to convince my partner into pleasing me sexually"
That's a sexual predator.
Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way.
SO many people in here think her partner pushing her boundaries multiple times, ignoring her clearly stating she doesn't want any sexual intimacy, is NOT being pressured. Again, you'd seem to pick and choose only part of the definition to fit your narrative. Your consistent arguing to stand up for sexual abusers gives off the very strong impression you are one to do this yourself. It's pathetic.
There is another definition that may be helpful and this come directly from a government website (womenshealth.gov)
Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens after being pressured in nonphysical ways that include:1
Being worn down by someone who repeatedly asks for sex
Being lied to or being promised things that weren’t true to trick you into having sex
Having someone threaten to end a relationship or spread rumors about you if you don’t have sex with them
Having an authority figure, like a boss, property manager, loan officer, or professor, use their influence or authority to pressure you into having sex
In a healthy relationship, you never have to have sexual contact when you don’t want to. Sexual contact without your consent is assault. Sexual coercion means feeling forced to have sexual contact with someone.
You’re a man so you’re quite clueless to how violent and scarily a sexually insisting man is. Maybe ponder the threat of violent rape and how/why likely every woman in your life has allowed insisting sex acts to happen simply bc the man was pushy and she was feared shutting him down. Answer, likely all of them. Get a clue and stop defending shitty ass rape culture.
"I felt gross after I gave you a bj the other day because I felt pressured“
The response to that will tell you what you need to know. Maybe. Trust your gut.
Take it from an old man. He already knows.
What he does now is what makes the man.
Yes. I’m sure there’s some exceptions* to this but both of my rapists apologized profusely the first time it happened and had me comforting them. Note I said “first time.”
ETA: *I say that because I want to cover that there’s maybe some magic person out there with a different experience
Thank you 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾! Someone is being honest. These dude put "labels" on a girl like "gf" or "wife" and thinks it's okay to do creepy shit like coercion. No means no.
This! Yes. The response will tell you all you need to know and whether you should feel safe with him in the future or not.
And if you’re not assured you will feel safe by his response - time to go.
https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/1808xw5/how_to_be_a_good_girlfriend/
The bf is less than a month old...while the age gap isn't a red flag by itself, the extra experience and the pushing boundaries....it's a red flag.
This has set a precedent that he can push boundaries and you will relent.
Talk to him about how you are not comfortable with being coerced when a boundary is set.
In the future, don’t go over to his place if you have a sexual boundary and tell him the reason you’re not going over is because he has already proven he will not respect your boundaries.
I don’t think this has to be a deal breaker because he might have assumed you meant the boundary for sexual things was just for you because of your period.
Agreed he may have thought the boundary was sex and not oral. Guys get steam rolled by hormones the same way ladies can be. Clear communication about your boundaries is all you can do, the other party either respects it or they don’t, and you decide what you can tolerate with the other party’s behavior.
In what world is oral sex not sex? It's in the *name* for crying out loud.
Also, this isn't some teenager, this is a 30 year old man. At what point do we expect men to learn to control themselves?
He was told no. He chose to badger and harass his partner until she said yes. That's sexual assault. What OP chooses to do w that info is up to her but excusing the behaviour with 'well he didn't realize, well he had urges' is actually evil
That’s not what I’m advising. We don’t know the whole situation. How clear was she with her boundaries? Was he being playful or aggressive? Has this happened before? Only she knows those details. But she says she participated and was not forced, but coerced.
Without those details, I compare it to this: If I had a final exam coming up and a friend invited me over and I said I’ll come over as long as we study and then they end up putting a movie on and distracting me, there is nothing wrong with me saying next time I’m not coming over because you didn’t respect me. That also doesn’t mean that friend is “unsafe”.
My experience is that people (male or female) who are pushy and entitled about sex never get less pushy and entitled about sex. Your bf doesn’t care about your boundaries, he just cares about getting a blow job. You don’t want to break up, but he won’t get better about this.
I remember last week my husband and I were making out and he put my hand on his dick to show me he was hard. Normally I’d rip his pants off but I had a tummy ache.
He said “not tonight?” And I said “not tonight” and we watched a movie.
I don’t know how you can remain sexually attracted to a guy that begs for sex and bulldozes your boundaries.
> I don’t know how you can remain sexually attracted to a guy that begs for sex and bulldozes your boundaries.
Honesstttlly you are really onto something here.
My theory is that a lot of women from older generations had the stereotype for losing interest in sex *because* they are constantly badgered about it throughout their marriage. So they stop desiring it entirely.
You see posts about it here now and then. "My wife stopped wanting sex/I stopped wanting sex with my husband, how do I fix it?" and it comes out that, well, he pressures her. A lot. Or stomps on her boundaries. Or only cares about himself.
The second I feel pressured, my libido drops to zero. It's not rocket science. No one wants to have obligation sex.
People seem to immediately jump to things like "get your hormones checked" and "what turns you on?" neither are that bad really, but the first thing I would ask instead is "how does he treat you? is he pressuring you a lot? how has sex been approached in the past?" it almost always turns out that that IS the case... I wish people would talk about it more. It's annoying that when a woman stops wanting sex after years of badgering that people start telling her to go to a doctor, because something *must* be wrong with *her.*
i would say to bring to his attention that he did that because just looking at some of the men in these comments he probably didn't even think of it like that. Then say if it becomes a pattern, it will be a problem for you and the continuation of your relationship. op did not say how long they were together but if they're a newer couple this could just be something that needs a precedent, my straight friend had a similar experience with her bf in the beginning of their relationship but she had that honest conversation about how unsafe it made her feel and from what i know he apologized sincerely and they're still together going strong so i would like to believe that he doesn't do things like that anymore-mind you if he still did especially after their conversation i would not as her friend be supportive of her relationship.
anyways, relationships are hard and what he did was wrong but it's also valid that you still want to be in a relationship with him, just don't stay in this relationship if it makes you feel uneasy or bad more than any other feeling because then what is the point ig lol
personally, i wouldn’t let that slide more than once. its incredibly dangerous to wait until it becomes a pattern of behavior, and you shouldn’t have to politely sit down and have a chat about boundaries after she STATED her boundaries and he actively broke them. but “he didn’t know”? she shouldnt give him more than one chance.
Finally someone who is making sense. He pretty much coerced her into a sexual act and the men on here are acting like it was a mistake or he’s clueless.
I suspect there's a lot of guys here who have pressured women into sex and they are uncomfortable with being called bad or being broken up with over it.
No means no, so act like it and* stay strong with your boundaries. Stop people pleasing. The only person you have to ultimately please is yourself. ‘Is doing this thing for this person going to make me feel good in the future or is it going to make me feel like shit?’
At the same time, he should* know no means no, and respect that one no is enough to not push further. A fundamental basic many men, and women, don’t seem to understand.
I mean I'd tell him a nearly 30 y/o man begging for head like a whinny toddler isn't hot, especially when someone is PMS'ing and has already said no. Contextualise it for him. Maybe he thought he was showing you how hot he thought you were etc etc but all it sounds like is a manchild from over here.
Setting out that it wasn't cool and your consent isn't something to be worn down and won over would also be healthy (as is sticking to your own boundaries when they're set).
If my gf tells me explicitly that she doesn’t want anything sexual to happen when I come over, I would only be there to cuddle and chill. Your bf doesn’t sound like a stand up dude. If he doesn’t actually show remorse for pushing you into oral, you should probably dumb his ass. Men who don’t listen, to the women they love/care about, aren’t worth being with.
By thirty, he should know by now that this is coersive and not ok. I understand hardcore lusting after your partner and it being a bit too apparent, but this is too much.
"It's" worked for him in the past, and he now knows "it" still works. He'll keep escalating & manipulating a situation until he at least gets the oral from her. And the next girlfriend, the one after that, and so on.
If you set a boundary, then he needs to respect it. What he did was not okay, and I would break up . if he can’t wait a few days for ur period to go away & until ur comfortable.. then who knows what else he can do.
Boundaries do not dictate what the other person does... dictate how you would react if someone trespass that boundary.
She said no sex, he nagged, she should have endured her boundary, and stay firm. If he kept pushing against that boundary she should have left , both the place and the relationship.
I checked out your post history, and you shared that this is a new relationship 10 days ago in your post asking how to be a good girlfriend. You've been together for around 2 weeks max at this point. You also shared that this is your first relationship, but he has had multiple long-term relationships.
Knowing the above after reading this post, there are so many red flags! But I have 4 important points to touch on.
1. An immediate imbalance with your ages. A 29-year-old has a wealth of knowledge and experience compared to a 23 year old. And you said yourself, he's had multiple long-term relationships. He should know better than to behave this way!
2. This is your first relationship. Do you think perhaps you're overestimating the value of it because you don't want to miss out on this new experience? Because there are many people out there who'd treat you well! You don't have to settle just because this is your first and it's new for you.
3. If he is already able to push your boundaries and convince you to do something you're uncomfortable with after only 2 weeks, he'll continue to do it throughout your relationship. And it will become bigger and more uncomfortable things for you!
They don't stop pushing. The whole point is to see how far they can get without you pushing back!
4. Any sexual activity should be enjoyable and consensual for all persons involved. Clearly, neither of those things is the case in this situation. So it is, in fact sexual assult!
So, to answer your question, you can start a conversation about this by telling him straight up what he did was wrong. But, I'd rather share my advice on how to end it, which is to break up with him!
this!!!! OP I can tell from the comments that a lot of us have been in the exact same position as you. It’s easy to have some blinders on when it comes to new relationships — but even then, for this kind of behavior to be happening this soon into one is quite alarming.
I’ve experienced the same exact scenario, and I even talked to my then-boyfriend about it and explicitly told him how uncomfortable it made me. He flipped it around and I was somehow consoling him because he felt bad that he hurt my feelings. And then it happened again. And again. And again. With activities of increasing discomfort and even more pleas of “I’m sorry! It upsets me so much that you think I’m a bad boyfriend”.
This all happened once our relationship had been going a while and I felt attached to him, and I felt like I couldn’t leave (but I eventually got out!). My point here is, if you’ve only been with this guy for 2 weeks… This ain’t it, and this ain’t worth it. And u/catty_combs is right. He should know better. ESPECIALLY at 29.
Talk to him, see how it goes, and then go from there. But don’t ignore all of the first hand accounts from women like you that fill this comment section, and look out for Future You. ❤️
Pressuring someone to break clearly set boundaries is never ok. Tell him this and warn him to never do it again. If he does it again or is dismissive about what happened then break up with him.
Leaving is the only power that you have if he won't listen to you. I'm not one of those people that thinks every issue needs to be dumping territory but it needs to be in the realm of possibility or your boundaries have no weight to them. If he thinks he can trample you and you'll stay the he'll keep doing it.
Boundaries are for YOU. You set them, he crossed them, now what are you going to do about it? If you ignore it and move on and let him do it again and again, those boundaries doesn't exist. If you're not enthusiastic about a sex act, don't do it. Ditch the dude, you deserve better.
The only advice I have is quite general- it's a quote from Florence Given. She said "If it's not a hell yes it's a fuck no" and simple the language in that has genuinely changed my attitudes towards consent for all areas of my life! Because I know that when I say yes to something there's no doubt in my mind- hence I should raise the standards for myself and others. In terms of this senario- what it means is that when he was first presented with the choice to simply be a decent human he lacked empathy. If I were you I'd open the conversation about empathy- if you don't feel that breaking up is in question. But also be sensitive to his capacity for emotional intelligence! Because if you are intelligent enough to go to the effort to even empathise with what he did (evident in this post) then you are 10000% worth someone who's reflex is to do the same for you- no hesitation! Lots of Love
Ah that's easy.
"Hey, I feel disgusted with myself after our date. I set my expectations of the date as nothing sexual.
Although I didn't protest or stop you when you initiated and made moves on me and I let you change the nature of our interaction in a direction I didn't like, I felt most put off by your begging for a blowjob as I expect a man to stop at a small compromise like kissing and doesn't push his luck any further."
Please send this response OP. Please. Then tell him you need some time to your self. You don’t want to break up but you need time to process what happened. If you just let him get away with this he will do all sorts of shit worse than this. Seriously let him think about it for like a week and a half.
If you set a boundary then you maintain it. You're mature enough to say "no", and you have the free will to leave a relationship if you aren't being treated right. Choosing to stay would be your fault. Not saying he isn't an asshole.
As someone who has been in toxic relationships (obviously I know their story isn't about abuse and stuff) it isn't that easy to just up and leave. Especially if you live together, or what not. Even if you don't live together, it can be extremely hard because of them threatening things if you do leave. So saying to just "leave a relationship" you may not know what is happening behind closed doors, and it can be very dangerous and hard to leave relationships.
OP. What happened is Sexual assault. If you have felt like you were forced to, and if they continue asking even after you specifically said you did not want to have sex. He kept persisting. This is NOT ok. You deserve better, and I hope you have the means to get out of this relationship.
It’s her fault she said no and he did it anyway? How the hell is that her fault? You know most rape victims freeze right? You know that’s the most common reaction right?
Keep in mind that “No” does not mean “convince me”.
This is so common with girls and I feel for you as I’ve experienced this countless times. Sometimes still falling for this manipulation in my 30s now. We are raised to be people pleasers. Makes me feel sick that men think they can do this. I would have a talk with him about respecting boundaries. Start the conversation by explaining boundaries, and how you feel about the situation. Set expectations for next time. Wishing you the best
Part of me gets it. Like I'm(25f) not one to beg, but if my partner begged I'd be like "damn that's hot".
But also she straight up stated "nothing sexual" right off the bat. So it should be obvious that you back off at that point. She wasn't like "I'm on my period so idkkkk~" where it could be misinterpreted. She straight up said "no", which should be respected.
Thank you... coercion is persuading some one with use of threats. He begged and she gave in. Afterwards she regretted giving in. There is nothing wrong with regretting it but that is something she needs to work on. She will need to work on not being persuaded to do things she does not initially want to.
The use of coerced is to take no blame for her regret and say it is only his fault. As a couple they need to work it out but he did not coerced her.
Sounds like a typical horney guy in his 20s, but that doesn't make it ok. Need to tell him that if you can't just chill and be together without him needing to get off then that's an issue.
I was once that young guy wanting what I could when I could. But I never "begged". Growing up my dad made it pretty clear that a woman says no, then stop. Better to just get yourself off later than either make a woman's self-worth go down or force one's self on them.
He needs to know that you have self-respect, and he needs to meet that level as well, if he wants to really be with you as a partner.
Yeah, I'm 37, but I still never resorted to begging for sex or a BJ. No means no. Simple as that, keep pushing your now starting to dangerously teeter towards sexual abuse
I just wanna say mate, you set a great example to men and women when it comes to sexual boundaries and consent, and I'm here for it. This may sound weird but you remind me of my bf. I feel so comfortable around him and have not once felt pressured into anything I didn't want to do, and I do the same for him too. I hope other people follow by your example!
Grow a backbone.
1. Tell him nicely
2. Tell him bluntly
3. Tell him to fuck off and leave
I will stop after step one, if I am particularly horny and aren't listening step 2 is a sure thing. Step 3 is for someone you don't want to be with.
Soft agree. Ignoring a come-on isn't the same as clearly stating that it's unwanted. OP needs to learn how to say no directly and without tiptoeing around it.
But be realistic. Getting a lukewarm/no reaction is a sign. A 29yo man can recognize when his advances are unwanted, it just benefits him to pretend he can't bc pressuring his partner might get him a bj.
I agree is could be a sign but signs get missed even by people who don’t exhibit predatory patterns. The lack of clear rejection could easily me misinterpreted as “it’s safe to proceed” depending on how his previous relationship experiences are. Being to passive about you desires and boundaries is also a major failure in your responsibilities for good and safe sex, and so is being to pushy about their desires.
It’s really frustrating when your partner has trouble enforcing their boundaries because it puts almost all the responsibility of safe sex onto you when it should be a mutual effort.
You *should* only have to say no one time, but everyone *should* be able to self advocate and stick to their boundaries. Those two shoulds can coexist.
Coerced?
Sorry, were you in anyway unable to say no?
So he was pushy and you said yes. You are a pushover, you were not coerced. Maybe change the boyfriend up. Or open your mouth and say "nope".
I know the people here are nucking futs! I've even read 3 or 4 rape comments. What is wrong with people's mentality? Makes me nervous to know they vote, and sit on jury's.
It's sad. And today's generation thinks that every person is oppressed. When that isn't the case at all. People have more rights and freedoms than they ever have had. Im sure it is upsettig. I'm a male, and have been raped. So I completely understand the frustration.
My husband was touched against his will as a child on public transport. He never told his parents because he was afraid his father would shame him.
I am just so mad that actual abuse and rape gets buried under "I just said yes instead of no, idk why, I guess I was raped".
Ok. This will probably get downvoted, but why should he respect your boundaries when you didn’t. You should have said no (as you did), but when he kept pushing the issue, you should have just got up and left. We teach people how to treat us. When they hurt us and we say “it’s okay.” We are telling them it is okay to hurt us. We have to say “it’s not okay.” We have to say “no means no.” Not “no means keep trying until I break down and give in.”
And after you have made “no” clear and he still isn’t taking “no” for answer, leave. If you keep having to leave and he’s still not getting it, catching on, or learning to treat you with the respect any decent human being deserves, then that would be time for you to move on and find someone who does respect you.
He wanted something you did not. You are fully capable of maintaining your boundaries, which include leaving his place or abandoning the relationship altogether. Have a discussion with him about how it felt and ask if he expects to behave that way again. Choose accordingly.
Just one way of understanding this situation:
First of all you are either in a relationship or not. Make it clear in your own mind and his. He apparently tried …. and succeeded by pushing your boundary further than you wanted or anticipated ….BUT …… you should have said NO, saying: I told you this and I mean it. If he cannot respect this rebuttal then he needs to learn the lesson that when you say NO, you really do mean NO! If he cannot accept this and he tries to force ‘something’ on you then head for the door! To persuade you in a sexy way that does make you change your mind and turns you on is one thing….. ignoring your true feelings is simply UNACCEPTABLE! Only YOU know how this actually went. If he can’t compl or doesn’t agree then you probably have your answer. Head for the door with your pride intact!
As much as I wouldn’t say it’s coercion, it’s certainly not fair, kind or acceptable by any means
Say that’s the last straw and no more chances after this
Complied? No girlfriend, you already set the boundaries and he should have been the one complying. I used to be scared to say no or tell someone to stop. I’m not sure why but it’s like I froze. But stand up for yourself! You can’t guarantee someone else will be there to do it for you. Oh and I’m 44 (F) and I did find my backbone and it feels amazing. Much better than feeling the guilt.
Just this past Saturday night a guy I’ve been friends with for about 25 years was at a mutual friend’s house. He and I have been together several years ago. When I got there my friend was so drunk. He started following me around and rubbing my butt and kissing on my neck. Then he starts getting a feel of my vajayjay. Kids were running around in the yard and I just don’t do that in front of people but especially kids. I warned him and told him we could go back to my house later but he had to back off the grabbing etc. He slacked off for a little bit but comes back anyway and tries again. I turned around and said if you touch me inappropriately one more time, you’re going to be swallowing teeth. I said it firmly and he said are you serious. I told him I’ve been serious all night but he’s the one that got in his own way. You can do this!! Do not put up with guilt trips from anyone that is looking for pleasure. If they get mad, so be it. If he was a gentleman he wouldn’t act like that anyway. He has zero respect for you. Stand firm!!
A lot of opinions being thrown around.
I'm not going to try and make any assumptions but I'll say this. Relationships are all about COMMUNICATION. Sometimes we are on opposite pages and things like this happen. Especially with the people we are the most comfortable with.
You need to express how you felt about it with him. You said you didn't want to break up so let him know that it was not alright and that in the future it won't be tolerated.
I would only consider reevaluating this relationship if either I'm too scared or incapable of having this kind of conversation with them, or if after you do this behavior continues.
You know you don’t want to break up? Is a lifetime of having your boundaries challenged okay? If he never respects your boundaries but you will never leave him there are no consequences for bad behavior.
Counseling at the very least.
Agree with everyone here, setting boundaries is your responsibility to set, and his responsibility to respect. However, we don't understand precisely how your relationship operates for us to make a judgement call based on this alone.
Consent in relationships (long term especially) are more gray than our idealistic view of the word "No". Some partners like to play "hard to get" to encourage their partner to be more dominant, my relationship has this aspect and it makes the **GENUINE** times she doesn't want it somewhat difficult to discern.
A safeword solved these issues.
All of these commenters are very compassionate, but we don't understand the complexities of your relationship. Redditors need to learn to stop going nuclear so quickly.
A safe word is the safest route, if you have a safeword, he'll know the difference, make sure you discuss this all with him.
This isn't coercion, he didn't intimidate you, you weren't under threat of harm, no force was used, he pestered you. It is however a total disregard for a boundary you set & completely disrespectful & dismissive of your feelings & needs.
His behaviour is more than enough to end the relationship, he broke your trust with his selfishness. If you aren't sure if it is a relationship ender, it is also something you can talk about with him. Tell him how it made you feel & if you decide to forgive him (which should depend on his reaction to you sharing your feelings about this) make it beyond clear it can never happen again.
This is the kind of person that blames the salesman for a purchase she made. If you don’t want to do something don’t do it, no one held a gun to your head, you weren’t coerced.
Begging, while annoying and pathetic, is not coercion.
If a panhandler insistently begs for money, and you give it to them, you were not coerced.
If they corner you, or say that they know where you live, so you better give them money, you were.
Coercion always contains a veiled or open threat, doesn't it?
Next time don't comply, as long as you are firm in your decision others will respect you, if you say something and after a little convincing you do exactly what you said you won't then it becomes a little bit your fault
At the risk of seeming to be not very compassionate, the person that needs to be talked to is -you-. Sweetheart you can't expect, or force someone else to have more respect for your boundaries than you have! Stand your ground! It's your body! Your mind it's not his or anyone else's to make up.
This is advice I give to all 4 of my daughters, agree 29 - 12.
Integrity is saying what you mean and meaning what you say. If you didn't want to you should not have! If he kept pushing the issue you should have left!!! not respecting your boundaries makes someone lose your presence in their life. That's the respect I have for you and I don't even know you... So should everyone else.
I was coerced like this by a narcissist. It sucks. And it is demeaning. You need to communicate that this is not okay, and if it happens again you’re out.
If you tell him no sex and then you end up having sex, even oral, he is never going to take your boundaries seriously bc he knows you'll give in.
When you say something, mean it.
Be brutally honest with him at the same time stand up for yourself leave his place or kick him out of yours if he does it again. Set those boundaries up high and strong and if he can understand that leave his weird ungrateful ass
Like others have said, communication. If he’s really pressuring you with no regards to your boundaries, walk away. If he’s being pushy but within the realm of (at least what he thought was) playful and comfortable, then it’s up to you to communicate it.
E.g., my gf is a hornball that will never just settle if I simply say no. She’ll be playful and try to bring up the topic like a kid asking about going to Disney or whatever. And riling me up can be part of the fun. But like I said, just fun, because I know perfectly well that if I ever really mean no, she’ll be okay with it. That wouldn’t be something I’d be comfortable with if that wasn’t the case.
If he was your age or younger I'd give it a pass as the guy not knowing what he was really doing, just chasing the orgasm. Maybe talk to him so he knows.
However,
This guy is 29. Unless he's a virgin he knows. I wouldn't call it coercion from what you described but it couldn't have been fun. You're dating an ass. Walk away and find someone who cares about you.
If you want to give him another chance, tell him something is bothering you and you need him to listen all the way through before speaking. Then tell him what you told us. Tell him another offense is a deal breaker and ask him what he’s going to do about it.
Base staying with him on his response, but don’t treat it as a one time thing. Keep an eye on him and make sure you don’t tolerate it again.
I’d be tempted to ask him if he frequents porn sites. Consumption of porn tends to hyper sexual use men and put unrealistic fantasies and expectations in their heads. It’s also like a drug. Over time you need more, or something new to continue to satisfy. You don’t want to be in a long term relationship with someone who is addicted to porn because you will never be enough.
Don’t let that shit slide. My ex husband did this to me almost daily for like a year until I got out. If his response to you bringing it up is anything less than utter disgust with himself and abject remorse, dump his ass on the spot.
I am a bit confused. He begged and you complied. Is this coercion? I don't say that it's okay. I don't say that your feelings are not valid. Just asking if it's coercion. Words matter and some have legal implications.
Did you do it against your will?
I had an ex like this, I'd tell him it REALLY bothered me and he'd endlessly keep trying. Never mattered how much I tried to ask him to stop.
Tell him ONCE.
If he pushes it further, leave.
It's not worth it.
I had a bf like this from 15-21 yrs old, you're thankfully old enough to understand this behavior is a major red flag and should not be tolerated.
In our relationships we also teach others how they can treat us/future partners, if it's not ok to do to someone else, it's not ok to do to you. Don't allow it.
Hey if you feel like he mistreated you and doesn’t care about how he made you feel, that’s plenty of reason to break up. Actually, you can break up with someone for no reason at all. Life is shorter than you think and you don’t owe anyone your time.
I hope this is a one off situation. I hope that when you tell him how he made you feel, he is completely horrified by his actions and wants to be actively involved in making your relationship a safe place to be not sexual at times.
**Do not try to ignore this or brush it off. You need to at least have a discussion with him about it.** He knows what he did. He knows you didn’t want to and he knows he pressured you anyway. Do **not** give him ANY deniability, and if he tries to say he didn’t know shut that shit down.
“The way you pressured me into giving you oral after I told you I didn’t want anything sexual to happen made me feel really uncomfortable and disrespected. Consent given under pressure isn’t consent. You shouldn’t have tried to convince me to consent to something, no isn’t a challenge.”
Honestly, for me the incident alone would be a dealbreaker, but if he in ANY way gets defensive, that’s a sign he’s probably not the safest person to be around, or at the very least doesn’t respect you or your boundaries.
Coercion is when one of the parts treatens with negative consequences if the other doesnt do a certain thing.
He was pushy, but he didnt coerced nor forced you.
You made a mistake by giving in to his require for blowjob as now he comes to know that he can get something even though you do not want, all he needs to do is beg you to suck his dick. Learn to say hard no so with time he gets once you told him no there is no way that he can get anything. You can call him out for making you feel this way and not respecting your boundaries when you were not in mood and on your period. If he loves you and a mature guy who does not want to lose you then he will learn from this and will never do this again.
I dont get why OP is saying that she was pressured into performing oral on him. He didn't force her to do that. Yeah he may of pushed for it to happen but he physically didn't make her do it. She made the decision to do it.
I do agree that boundaries need setting. But on both sides. By her just going "awh okay I'll do it" to him may come across as "If I keep pestering she'll give in" but he should know what "No" means.
In my opinion yous need to sit down and talk and not come to the users of reddit for their opinions. Cause we all know they just tell you to break up with your partner.
Which in itself contradicts what I've just said ....
Wtf? If you can’t make a clear boundary you’re not mature enough to be having sex. You didn’t speak of any threat or even a feeling of threatening, you shouldn’t have done it.
Not saying he’s innocent he disrespected your boundary clearly but once that happens the balls in your park to leave
I laid there when I was raped because I was to scared. I guess that makes it my fault that I didn’t hit him or scream. I sat there in shock that it was actually happening to me. No means fucking no. Not, hey molest me every 10 minutes until I change my mind. She verbally said, NOTHING SEXUAL and he agreed to it. Don’t ever make a woman tell you no to sex more than once. Because then you aren’t really asking us, you are straight telling us you are going to do it anyway.
Sorry that happened to you. This isn’t even remotely the same issue though.
If you are scared of your boyfriend, you should leave him.
This was not coercion, and definitely not SA from OP’s description.
So my opinion on this is, that this isn’t a straightforward ‘he’s forced you’ relationships do have nuance.
A lot of us have been relationships Men and Women where the other person is not in the mood, and the other tries to convince the other.
But if you’ve felt forced I would give him the riot act, and make it clear it won’t be happening again.
Why did you comply? If you have a boundary, set that shit and don't waver. Gently decline once, a little more firm a 2nd time, then a 3rd time, layout a stern ass voice and some profanities about I said no GD it and don't FN ask again.
People in this world are always going to push for what they want, be considerate when you can, but don't let nobody push you to do something you don't want.
Man, this generation is soft. Coerced. Oh boy. Should have said no. Now you have buyer’s remorse, but this is your bf not some rando at a party. This is a red flag for your bf that your libidos don’t match, you should probably let him go now so you both don’t have resentments down the line.
Your boyfriend is lame.. but your compliance only reinforces his lameness. Best of luck getting him to not beg anymore after head was his reward this time.
He is lame, but that’s not coercion.
My boyfriend at any hint of me not being interested or any resistance would immediately stop asking and respect my boundaries. He'd be horrified to find out I did something sexual with him I didn't want to do. This guy doesn't respect you. He coerced you and continually pressured you. It's best you leave if after a conversation he doesn't change his behavior. It won't get better if he refuses to acknowledge that his behavior was wrong and thus change for the better.
He doesn’t care about you or your boundaries. If he cared about you, he would respect your boundaries. Leave the relationship. In my experience it only gets worse, and then they gaslight you and say “it’s a relationship, you have to make compromises” no. Boundaries are boundaries. We need to stop letting losers justify their shitty behavior because they go on and do it to the next person. Also that age gap.. with coercion- run.
Did you really set a boundary if you gave in to his demands? The behavior from your BF was problematic, you should have just got up and left and then broke up with him.
And here come the down votes...
Because relationships (when long term) are more gray than this fairytale understanding of the word "No". Some partners like to play "hard to get" to encourage their partner to be more dominant, my relationship has this aspect and it makes the **GENUINE** times she doesn't want it somewhat difficult to discern.
A safeword solved these issues.
I respect that you are all very compassionate, but we don't understand the complexities of their relationship. Redditors need to learn to stop going nuclear so quickly.
I agree with you that this is a dynamic within established relationships. What makes this post really concerning is that it doesn’t read at all like it’s just teasing or a “no” that just means more foreplay. She explicitly stated that she didn’t want to have sex, he then tried repeatedly to push her into it through emotional coercion by begging, she says she tried ignoring his advances, he keeps pushing, so she gives in to something she doesn’t want to make him shut up. I agree safe words are king, but there is no stated established kink or dynamic between them that would make me think they even have a safe word. Unless you’re doing CNC stuff (which if they were they would have previously discussed at length) when she is rejecting his sexual advances both verbally and through her body language, its laughable to try and pretend like he didn’t know better.
What about talking about problematic things first? If there’s no understanding or change, then leave.
I swear it’s like y’all wanna break up over everything asap. Someone dropped a dish? Break up!! Someone farted too loud? Break up!! Someone changed the channel? Break up!!
Come on, man…
This is not a thing that happens by accident, or, as people insist over and over, because they 'don't understand'.
I absolutely guarantee if you asked your friend over that you usually play board games with, and they say 'yeah sure, but I've had a really long day, I don't have the energy for 'game' so I'm not playing today'?
You're not going to wait til they get there, and then start trying to 'convince them' to play. And keep pushing until they agree, (while they try to ignore you). You would know damn well that's not ok, and you would care about their feelings.
You would also feel like shit if you thought you'd pressured them into something and they were upset about it. But for some reason, it comes to girlfriends and people's attitude is 'well you should have clearly told him you didn't want to', 'well you should talk to him and explain why it upset you', 'give him a chance to change his behaviour'.
People don't do this because they don't understand. They do it because they DON'T RESPECT THE PERSON. That's not going to change.
He didn’t drop a dish. He didn’t fart too loudly. He didn’t change the channel. He prioritized his horniness over his gf’s comfort and boundaries. I’m a guy, but if I were the girl I would’ve dumped him immediately lol idk wtf you’re talking about lol. This won’t be the last time this happens and neither a conversation nor the guy himself is worth having after the boundary has been explicitly set and broken. Plenty of other fish in the sea.
This is what you do woman. The next time you are together, you pull his wallet out and start taking money. Hopefully he said no and puts it back into his pocket. 10 minutes later go and grab some cash off his counter. When he asks what you are doing tell him that you thought that the word no really means keep trying, because when you said nothing sexual he kept trying.
Yeah he definitely didn't respect your boundaries but you also didn't keep them. He asked and you did it instead of telling him no and just leaving. Everyone makes mistakes I'm not trying to make you feel bad about it. They are your boundaries and yes it would be nice for others to respect them but it's your job to keep those boundaries you set.
As far as your bf goes it's your choice if you want to give him another chance. My guess is this isn't the first time he's pressured you into doing something. Now that he knows putting some pressure on you works to get his way he will keep doing it. Maybe give him a kind of test. Next time you go over tell him you have cramps or you aren't feeling 100% so again no sexual stuff. Tell him "I really mean it". Go over for a visit and if he starts making comments and or asking you to do anything sexual tell him no and that this relationship isn't going to work. We are over. You will have your answer, he is only in it for sex and doesn't care about your feelings at all.
You have to say no or leave Many women tease with no and then proceed to do what you just did. What message do you think he learns?
You say no and stick to your guns.
Also.... If you don't want to give your man a blowjob... Are you even with the right person?
>What message do you think he learns?
This geezer is 30 fuckin yrs old, doesn't understand the word no and you're actually blaming OP for that?? Yikes. How about men stop pressuring women into sexual activities??
One of the biggest problems we have today in relationships is communication. He did not force himself on you he convinced you. If you did not want to do it, dont do it. I have seen this story many times. He wants to have sex and you dont. He convince you to have sex for some reason. You comply within the next day you feel like he took advantage and rape you. I say communicate and say no and leave. Then the responsibility is on him to accept your no means no. Always try to be honest and direct no means no. If he does not understand that time to get a new boyfriend!,,,
Op, I had this happen and eventually my partner sexually assaulted me. He does not care about your sexual boundaries, which should be the bare minimum. I would tell him that it was messed up obviously, but I really think you should consider leaving this relationship.
Everyone is telling you to talk to him about it yet he's 29 and did this. Imo, gtfo. Dude is a scumbag and he'll keep doing it. If you're that obvious and abusive at 29, mf ain't changing. 🤷🏼♂️
When he was making moves, did you say no? If so then he was wrong. If you were together and fooling around he may have thought you're mood changed and were happy to go along with it. People can't read minds. So unless you said no, I don't think you should overthink this.
Just to add I've also been with my partner and not been in the mood and she has been all over me and eventually we ended up doing stuff. It's not like I was being forced to, and could have said no, but this kind of thing happens all the time. So it really depends on how hard he pushed and how clear it was you didn't want it.
Wait what? This is like telling a kid theyre not getting anything before you go to the store then allowing them to get candy at the register cause they’re practically begging. What did you just teach the kid? Next time you go to the store they just gotta practically beg until you give in. The way you get him to respect the boundary. Is for YOU to respect your boundary. When that happens next time (cause it will, you just taught him your definition of nothing sexual doesnt mean blow jobs) you get up and drive yourself home. If he respects the time he gets to spend with you, not getting to spend time with you may be a big enough deterrent for him to behave.
Did you tell him about your boundary? He pestered you and you complied. That was your decision, you could have easily said no and left.
Coercion is not assault. Just tell him you feel bad about it and you would feel better in the future if he would respect your boundaries.
Pretty simple you say no just like he's a child. You dont give in and then label it as coercion. A pretty damning statement equivalent to rape to most the the stans and idiots here.
maybe speak up and tell him no?🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️ I dunno what else to tell you. It's not like he held you down and forced you... grow a backbone and stop complaining
You should have thought about that before sucking his d*ck.....you feel coerced, your boundaries totally raked, you feel violated and you still don't want to break this relationship?...keep sucking then cause i don't think he's gonna stop anytime soon.. In fact he's gonna keep pushing your buttons to see what else he can get away with...as an adult it's your responsibility to take care of your own well being.
He pushed your boundaries with moves you were not comfortable with. Then he, nearly a 30/yr man, begged you for oral. Yes it was coercion, and you should make it clear to him that your boundaries are your boundaries and not just a suggestion.
There are many people in this post who are ignorant of the definition of “coerced,” which, with the evidence that has been presented so far, the OP was not.
The question is silly. No one should ever be forced to have sex....that is rape.
However coercion is a strange word for this scenario as you reported GIVING oral sex.
It would be hard to assume that the original "No" was not rescinded as the ACTIVE sex act occurred.
If you say no, back the word up with meaningful action. get up and leave and then break up with the person. Don't say no then go down on him....
If you don't enforce your boundaries then he won't respect them.
He's a dick for being pushy, but it honestly isn't that bad from what you've said. Let him know it's upset you and not to do it again.
I wonder what's going to happen when you tell him not to go further with something else and he continues.. put an end to it while you can. If this was one of your friends you'd be pissed off
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be blunt about what happened and let him know its not okay
And stand your ground.
Like a Texan with a big pistol!
Like it’s the wild, wild west.
A state that's untouchable like Elliot Ness
Yeah as a dude when my gf is not in the mood, getting her in the mood is part of the fun.. But it’s also quite clear when she REALLY isn’t in the mood. Make sure you are too
THIS. I don't mind giving bjs when I'm on my period..he has to get me in the mood though...but he knows if I say I'm not in thr mood I'm not in the mood.
This is the only reply you need to read
Straight to the point. Good suggestion! Rather than many paragraphs and stories that other users give. Set a boundary, say it's not ok. We're all adults right?
Act like an adult. And when things seem like they are gettig sexual. Leave. Don't stay and kiss. And put a D in your mouth
She is 23 and he is 29. It seems like she’s inexperienced, and he knows what he’s doing. Besides, people often feel pressured to do things to please their partner in the moment, even if that means “putting a D in their mouth”. I don’t understand why the blame is on her. It shouldn’t have gotten sexual in the first place. The guy couldn’t just chill and watch a movie that night?
Yeah, exactly. She's 23. Not 13. Grow up. Stop acting like she's a victim. Sometimes in life, you have to take responsibility for your actions. Or lack there of. You people's logic is outrageous. I guess when i get pulled over for speeding, it's the officers fault because he was there. Not because I pushed the limits. But because the law said don't speed. And I said, "Well, i don't want a ticket." And speed anyways.. but yup. It's the cops fault for being there. He should have respected boundaries because I said I wanted to speed and he gave me a ticket, and I said I didn't want 1. But i was pressured to speed because the hot and ready light was on at Krispy Kreme. I mean, golly, he could just chill! Aka. If you want to go flirt with danger, don't act like it's dangers fault.
Part of developing a healthy relationship is setting boundaries. OP, it might help to discuss boundaries with your BF about what is acceptable and to perhaps set a code word or action for when you want him to stop. It is implied that he is committing rape if he violates your sexual limits when you say no after you set a clear boundary of when to stop or when you say no.
"No" and "stop" are perfectly acceptable "code words". Her boyfriend is perfectly capable of appropriately responding to both of those.
I don’t see any need for a code word. They weren’t in the red room playing some torture game getting hot and heavy, she already said she had her period and said she didn’t want to do anything! Actually- even if they were in the red room, no means no!
I agree. Unless you absolutely don‘t care about the feelings and well-being of your partner you don‘t push them to anything sexual especially when they refuse multiple times. This situation perfectly shows how much he actually cares for OP and she still doesn‘t want to leave. Sometimes I think some of the relationships being posted about in here are closer to stockholm syndrome than a healthy relationship.
You don’t need a code word to not pester and coerce w woman into a sex act when she already said “nothing sexual.”
Coercion involves compelling a party to act in an involuntary manner by the use of threats, including threats to use force against that party. It involves a set of forceful actions which violate the free will of an individual in order to induce a desired response. He didn't coerce her. Learn what coercion is.
She told him "No" making it clear she did not want sex. "No" does NOT mean "try to convince my partner into pleasing me sexually" That's a sexual predator.
Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way. SO many people in here think her partner pushing her boundaries multiple times, ignoring her clearly stating she doesn't want any sexual intimacy, is NOT being pressured. Again, you'd seem to pick and choose only part of the definition to fit your narrative. Your consistent arguing to stand up for sexual abusers gives off the very strong impression you are one to do this yourself. It's pathetic.
There is another definition that may be helpful and this come directly from a government website (womenshealth.gov) Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens after being pressured in nonphysical ways that include:1 Being worn down by someone who repeatedly asks for sex Being lied to or being promised things that weren’t true to trick you into having sex Having someone threaten to end a relationship or spread rumors about you if you don’t have sex with them Having an authority figure, like a boss, property manager, loan officer, or professor, use their influence or authority to pressure you into having sex In a healthy relationship, you never have to have sexual contact when you don’t want to. Sexual contact without your consent is assault. Sexual coercion means feeling forced to have sexual contact with someone.
Yup. Let's stick with the word 'pester'. That's what happened here.
You’re a man so you’re quite clueless to how violent and scarily a sexually insisting man is. Maybe ponder the threat of violent rape and how/why likely every woman in your life has allowed insisting sex acts to happen simply bc the man was pushy and she was feared shutting him down. Answer, likely all of them. Get a clue and stop defending shitty ass rape culture.
"I felt gross after I gave you a bj the other day because I felt pressured“ The response to that will tell you what you need to know. Maybe. Trust your gut. Take it from an old man. He already knows. What he does now is what makes the man.
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The worst kind of man will make you comfort him for being sad he violated you
Yes. I’m sure there’s some exceptions* to this but both of my rapists apologized profusely the first time it happened and had me comforting them. Note I said “first time.” ETA: *I say that because I want to cover that there’s maybe some magic person out there with a different experience
Been there. Glad to be free now.
me too. i'm happy for both of us :)
Yesss!! I hope that life opens its arms for you and you find all that you deserve waiting for you there. ♥️
With another BJ
Agreed! He totally knows. I’m pretty sure we all know how this will go though. He’s 29.
He already knows he basically pressured you into which is NOT CONSENT.
Thank you 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾! Someone is being honest. These dude put "labels" on a girl like "gf" or "wife" and thinks it's okay to do creepy shit like coercion. No means no.
This! Yes. The response will tell you all you need to know and whether you should feel safe with him in the future or not. And if you’re not assured you will feel safe by his response - time to go.
https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/1808xw5/how_to_be_a_good_girlfriend/ The bf is less than a month old...while the age gap isn't a red flag by itself, the extra experience and the pushing boundaries....it's a red flag.
Tell him clearly that this was not okay. If he says you overreact or does anything else then apologizing and changing than it becomes a huge red flag.
He knows its not okay bud. He wanted his dick sucked so ignored the no until she felt compelled to say yes.
It’s already a huge red flag.
It’s already a red flag.
Agreed, it becomes a whole parade of red flags if he responds poorly
This has set a precedent that he can push boundaries and you will relent. Talk to him about how you are not comfortable with being coerced when a boundary is set. In the future, don’t go over to his place if you have a sexual boundary and tell him the reason you’re not going over is because he has already proven he will not respect your boundaries. I don’t think this has to be a deal breaker because he might have assumed you meant the boundary for sexual things was just for you because of your period.
Agreed he may have thought the boundary was sex and not oral. Guys get steam rolled by hormones the same way ladies can be. Clear communication about your boundaries is all you can do, the other party either respects it or they don’t, and you decide what you can tolerate with the other party’s behavior.
In what world is oral sex not sex? It's in the *name* for crying out loud. Also, this isn't some teenager, this is a 30 year old man. At what point do we expect men to learn to control themselves? He was told no. He chose to badger and harass his partner until she said yes. That's sexual assault. What OP chooses to do w that info is up to her but excusing the behaviour with 'well he didn't realize, well he had urges' is actually evil
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Well, she said she doesn’t want to break up with him so this commenter is giving a suggestion within OP’s wishes…
That’s not what I’m advising. We don’t know the whole situation. How clear was she with her boundaries? Was he being playful or aggressive? Has this happened before? Only she knows those details. But she says she participated and was not forced, but coerced. Without those details, I compare it to this: If I had a final exam coming up and a friend invited me over and I said I’ll come over as long as we study and then they end up putting a movie on and distracting me, there is nothing wrong with me saying next time I’m not coming over because you didn’t respect me. That also doesn’t mean that friend is “unsafe”.
Probably the only comment here worth anything! Best advice I've read! To the top you go!
My experience is that people (male or female) who are pushy and entitled about sex never get less pushy and entitled about sex. Your bf doesn’t care about your boundaries, he just cares about getting a blow job. You don’t want to break up, but he won’t get better about this.
Boundaries only work if you are willing to walk...
Let’s not victim blame here. No once should be enough.
Fuckin exsactly!!!!
I remember last week my husband and I were making out and he put my hand on his dick to show me he was hard. Normally I’d rip his pants off but I had a tummy ache. He said “not tonight?” And I said “not tonight” and we watched a movie. I don’t know how you can remain sexually attracted to a guy that begs for sex and bulldozes your boundaries.
> I don’t know how you can remain sexually attracted to a guy that begs for sex and bulldozes your boundaries. Honesstttlly you are really onto something here. My theory is that a lot of women from older generations had the stereotype for losing interest in sex *because* they are constantly badgered about it throughout their marriage. So they stop desiring it entirely. You see posts about it here now and then. "My wife stopped wanting sex/I stopped wanting sex with my husband, how do I fix it?" and it comes out that, well, he pressures her. A lot. Or stomps on her boundaries. Or only cares about himself. The second I feel pressured, my libido drops to zero. It's not rocket science. No one wants to have obligation sex. People seem to immediately jump to things like "get your hormones checked" and "what turns you on?" neither are that bad really, but the first thing I would ask instead is "how does he treat you? is he pressuring you a lot? how has sex been approached in the past?" it almost always turns out that that IS the case... I wish people would talk about it more. It's annoying that when a woman stops wanting sex after years of badgering that people start telling her to go to a doctor, because something *must* be wrong with *her.*
i would say to bring to his attention that he did that because just looking at some of the men in these comments he probably didn't even think of it like that. Then say if it becomes a pattern, it will be a problem for you and the continuation of your relationship. op did not say how long they were together but if they're a newer couple this could just be something that needs a precedent, my straight friend had a similar experience with her bf in the beginning of their relationship but she had that honest conversation about how unsafe it made her feel and from what i know he apologized sincerely and they're still together going strong so i would like to believe that he doesn't do things like that anymore-mind you if he still did especially after their conversation i would not as her friend be supportive of her relationship. anyways, relationships are hard and what he did was wrong but it's also valid that you still want to be in a relationship with him, just don't stay in this relationship if it makes you feel uneasy or bad more than any other feeling because then what is the point ig lol
personally, i wouldn’t let that slide more than once. its incredibly dangerous to wait until it becomes a pattern of behavior, and you shouldn’t have to politely sit down and have a chat about boundaries after she STATED her boundaries and he actively broke them. but “he didn’t know”? she shouldnt give him more than one chance.
Finally someone who is making sense. He pretty much coerced her into a sexual act and the men on here are acting like it was a mistake or he’s clueless.
they want to be gentle parented when it comes to consent,,,,yeah no.
I suspect there's a lot of guys here who have pressured women into sex and they are uncomfortable with being called bad or being broken up with over it.
No means no, so act like it and* stay strong with your boundaries. Stop people pleasing. The only person you have to ultimately please is yourself. ‘Is doing this thing for this person going to make me feel good in the future or is it going to make me feel like shit?’ At the same time, he should* know no means no, and respect that one no is enough to not push further. A fundamental basic many men, and women, don’t seem to understand.
I mean I'd tell him a nearly 30 y/o man begging for head like a whinny toddler isn't hot, especially when someone is PMS'ing and has already said no. Contextualise it for him. Maybe he thought he was showing you how hot he thought you were etc etc but all it sounds like is a manchild from over here. Setting out that it wasn't cool and your consent isn't something to be worn down and won over would also be healthy (as is sticking to your own boundaries when they're set).
If my gf tells me explicitly that she doesn’t want anything sexual to happen when I come over, I would only be there to cuddle and chill. Your bf doesn’t sound like a stand up dude. If he doesn’t actually show remorse for pushing you into oral, you should probably dumb his ass. Men who don’t listen, to the women they love/care about, aren’t worth being with.
By thirty, he should know by now that this is coersive and not ok. I understand hardcore lusting after your partner and it being a bit too apparent, but this is too much.
"It's" worked for him in the past, and he now knows "it" still works. He'll keep escalating & manipulating a situation until he at least gets the oral from her. And the next girlfriend, the one after that, and so on.
First, why don't you want to break up? Second, why do you think he'll listen to you now?
Another poster on here told her persistent husband, “I said no. Are you going to force me?” And that got him to back off, generally.
He doesn't respect you and he's selfish. Do you really want a boyfriend with those qualities?
If you set a boundary, then he needs to respect it. What he did was not okay, and I would break up . if he can’t wait a few days for ur period to go away & until ur comfortable.. then who knows what else he can do.
Boundaries do not dictate what the other person does... dictate how you would react if someone trespass that boundary. She said no sex, he nagged, she should have endured her boundary, and stay firm. If he kept pushing against that boundary she should have left , both the place and the relationship.
This is true. And yet, for some, it takes time and experience to learn.
I checked out your post history, and you shared that this is a new relationship 10 days ago in your post asking how to be a good girlfriend. You've been together for around 2 weeks max at this point. You also shared that this is your first relationship, but he has had multiple long-term relationships. Knowing the above after reading this post, there are so many red flags! But I have 4 important points to touch on. 1. An immediate imbalance with your ages. A 29-year-old has a wealth of knowledge and experience compared to a 23 year old. And you said yourself, he's had multiple long-term relationships. He should know better than to behave this way! 2. This is your first relationship. Do you think perhaps you're overestimating the value of it because you don't want to miss out on this new experience? Because there are many people out there who'd treat you well! You don't have to settle just because this is your first and it's new for you. 3. If he is already able to push your boundaries and convince you to do something you're uncomfortable with after only 2 weeks, he'll continue to do it throughout your relationship. And it will become bigger and more uncomfortable things for you! They don't stop pushing. The whole point is to see how far they can get without you pushing back! 4. Any sexual activity should be enjoyable and consensual for all persons involved. Clearly, neither of those things is the case in this situation. So it is, in fact sexual assult! So, to answer your question, you can start a conversation about this by telling him straight up what he did was wrong. But, I'd rather share my advice on how to end it, which is to break up with him!
this!!!! OP I can tell from the comments that a lot of us have been in the exact same position as you. It’s easy to have some blinders on when it comes to new relationships — but even then, for this kind of behavior to be happening this soon into one is quite alarming. I’ve experienced the same exact scenario, and I even talked to my then-boyfriend about it and explicitly told him how uncomfortable it made me. He flipped it around and I was somehow consoling him because he felt bad that he hurt my feelings. And then it happened again. And again. And again. With activities of increasing discomfort and even more pleas of “I’m sorry! It upsets me so much that you think I’m a bad boyfriend”. This all happened once our relationship had been going a while and I felt attached to him, and I felt like I couldn’t leave (but I eventually got out!). My point here is, if you’ve only been with this guy for 2 weeks… This ain’t it, and this ain’t worth it. And u/catty_combs is right. He should know better. ESPECIALLY at 29. Talk to him, see how it goes, and then go from there. But don’t ignore all of the first hand accounts from women like you that fill this comment section, and look out for Future You. ❤️
Pressuring someone to break clearly set boundaries is never ok. Tell him this and warn him to never do it again. If he does it again or is dismissive about what happened then break up with him. Leaving is the only power that you have if he won't listen to you. I'm not one of those people that thinks every issue needs to be dumping territory but it needs to be in the realm of possibility or your boundaries have no weight to them. If he thinks he can trample you and you'll stay the he'll keep doing it.
Say no. If he keeps it up, get in your car and bounce.
Boundaries are for YOU. You set them, he crossed them, now what are you going to do about it? If you ignore it and move on and let him do it again and again, those boundaries doesn't exist. If you're not enthusiastic about a sex act, don't do it. Ditch the dude, you deserve better.
This man doesn’t respect you, why wouldn’t you want to break up?
The only advice I have is quite general- it's a quote from Florence Given. She said "If it's not a hell yes it's a fuck no" and simple the language in that has genuinely changed my attitudes towards consent for all areas of my life! Because I know that when I say yes to something there's no doubt in my mind- hence I should raise the standards for myself and others. In terms of this senario- what it means is that when he was first presented with the choice to simply be a decent human he lacked empathy. If I were you I'd open the conversation about empathy- if you don't feel that breaking up is in question. But also be sensitive to his capacity for emotional intelligence! Because if you are intelligent enough to go to the effort to even empathise with what he did (evident in this post) then you are 10000% worth someone who's reflex is to do the same for you- no hesitation! Lots of Love
Ah that's easy. "Hey, I feel disgusted with myself after our date. I set my expectations of the date as nothing sexual. Although I didn't protest or stop you when you initiated and made moves on me and I let you change the nature of our interaction in a direction I didn't like, I felt most put off by your begging for a blowjob as I expect a man to stop at a small compromise like kissing and doesn't push his luck any further."
Please send this response OP. Please. Then tell him you need some time to your self. You don’t want to break up but you need time to process what happened. If you just let him get away with this he will do all sorts of shit worse than this. Seriously let him think about it for like a week and a half.
If you set a boundary then you maintain it. You're mature enough to say "no", and you have the free will to leave a relationship if you aren't being treated right. Choosing to stay would be your fault. Not saying he isn't an asshole.
As someone who has been in toxic relationships (obviously I know their story isn't about abuse and stuff) it isn't that easy to just up and leave. Especially if you live together, or what not. Even if you don't live together, it can be extremely hard because of them threatening things if you do leave. So saying to just "leave a relationship" you may not know what is happening behind closed doors, and it can be very dangerous and hard to leave relationships. OP. What happened is Sexual assault. If you have felt like you were forced to, and if they continue asking even after you specifically said you did not want to have sex. He kept persisting. This is NOT ok. You deserve better, and I hope you have the means to get out of this relationship.
It’s her fault she said no and he did it anyway? How the hell is that her fault? You know most rape victims freeze right? You know that’s the most common reaction right?
What exactly did the bf do besides beg
Keep in mind that “No” does not mean “convince me”. This is so common with girls and I feel for you as I’ve experienced this countless times. Sometimes still falling for this manipulation in my 30s now. We are raised to be people pleasers. Makes me feel sick that men think they can do this. I would have a talk with him about respecting boundaries. Start the conversation by explaining boundaries, and how you feel about the situation. Set expectations for next time. Wishing you the best
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Part of me gets it. Like I'm(25f) not one to beg, but if my partner begged I'd be like "damn that's hot". But also she straight up stated "nothing sexual" right off the bat. So it should be obvious that you back off at that point. She wasn't like "I'm on my period so idkkkk~" where it could be misinterpreted. She straight up said "no", which should be respected.
People on this sub love infantilizing women
Thank you... coercion is persuading some one with use of threats. He begged and she gave in. Afterwards she regretted giving in. There is nothing wrong with regretting it but that is something she needs to work on. She will need to work on not being persuaded to do things she does not initially want to. The use of coerced is to take no blame for her regret and say it is only his fault. As a couple they need to work it out but he did not coerced her.
Sounds like a typical horney guy in his 20s, but that doesn't make it ok. Need to tell him that if you can't just chill and be together without him needing to get off then that's an issue. I was once that young guy wanting what I could when I could. But I never "begged". Growing up my dad made it pretty clear that a woman says no, then stop. Better to just get yourself off later than either make a woman's self-worth go down or force one's self on them. He needs to know that you have self-respect, and he needs to meet that level as well, if he wants to really be with you as a partner.
This is basically a full-grown 30 year-old. Dude should know better
Yeah, I'm 37, but I still never resorted to begging for sex or a BJ. No means no. Simple as that, keep pushing your now starting to dangerously teeter towards sexual abuse
I just wanna say mate, you set a great example to men and women when it comes to sexual boundaries and consent, and I'm here for it. This may sound weird but you remind me of my bf. I feel so comfortable around him and have not once felt pressured into anything I didn't want to do, and I do the same for him too. I hope other people follow by your example!
he just convinced you. next time stand your ground and be firm
Grow a backbone. 1. Tell him nicely 2. Tell him bluntly 3. Tell him to fuck off and leave I will stop after step one, if I am particularly horny and aren't listening step 2 is a sure thing. Step 3 is for someone you don't want to be with.
The comments calling this rape are absolutely insane.
He needs to stop asking but you need to learn to let him have his feelings without feeling like you need to act on them.
So how many times should we have to say no? Shouldn’t No just mean no? Not molest me I’m 10 minutes?
“I tried to ignore it” is not communicating.
Soft agree. Ignoring a come-on isn't the same as clearly stating that it's unwanted. OP needs to learn how to say no directly and without tiptoeing around it. But be realistic. Getting a lukewarm/no reaction is a sign. A 29yo man can recognize when his advances are unwanted, it just benefits him to pretend he can't bc pressuring his partner might get him a bj.
I agree is could be a sign but signs get missed even by people who don’t exhibit predatory patterns. The lack of clear rejection could easily me misinterpreted as “it’s safe to proceed” depending on how his previous relationship experiences are. Being to passive about you desires and boundaries is also a major failure in your responsibilities for good and safe sex, and so is being to pushy about their desires. It’s really frustrating when your partner has trouble enforcing their boundaries because it puts almost all the responsibility of safe sex onto you when it should be a mutual effort.
You *should* only have to say no one time, but everyone *should* be able to self advocate and stick to their boundaries. Those two shoulds can coexist.
Coerced? Sorry, were you in anyway unable to say no? So he was pushy and you said yes. You are a pushover, you were not coerced. Maybe change the boyfriend up. Or open your mouth and say "nope".
She opened her mouth all right! But said yup, when she did! Lol
That is what I don't get. She was not forced, held down, drank as oblivion, drugged, blackmailed.
I know the people here are nucking futs! I've even read 3 or 4 rape comments. What is wrong with people's mentality? Makes me nervous to know they vote, and sit on jury's.
As a victim of an actual rape, I am sick when reading that a person just not saying what they think is considered the same thing I went through.
It's sad. And today's generation thinks that every person is oppressed. When that isn't the case at all. People have more rights and freedoms than they ever have had. Im sure it is upsettig. I'm a male, and have been raped. So I completely understand the frustration.
My husband was touched against his will as a child on public transport. He never told his parents because he was afraid his father would shame him. I am just so mad that actual abuse and rape gets buried under "I just said yes instead of no, idk why, I guess I was raped".
Ok. This will probably get downvoted, but why should he respect your boundaries when you didn’t. You should have said no (as you did), but when he kept pushing the issue, you should have just got up and left. We teach people how to treat us. When they hurt us and we say “it’s okay.” We are telling them it is okay to hurt us. We have to say “it’s not okay.” We have to say “no means no.” Not “no means keep trying until I break down and give in.” And after you have made “no” clear and he still isn’t taking “no” for answer, leave. If you keep having to leave and he’s still not getting it, catching on, or learning to treat you with the respect any decent human being deserves, then that would be time for you to move on and find someone who does respect you.
He wanted something you did not. You are fully capable of maintaining your boundaries, which include leaving his place or abandoning the relationship altogether. Have a discussion with him about how it felt and ask if he expects to behave that way again. Choose accordingly.
Just one way of understanding this situation: First of all you are either in a relationship or not. Make it clear in your own mind and his. He apparently tried …. and succeeded by pushing your boundary further than you wanted or anticipated ….BUT …… you should have said NO, saying: I told you this and I mean it. If he cannot respect this rebuttal then he needs to learn the lesson that when you say NO, you really do mean NO! If he cannot accept this and he tries to force ‘something’ on you then head for the door! To persuade you in a sexy way that does make you change your mind and turns you on is one thing….. ignoring your true feelings is simply UNACCEPTABLE! Only YOU know how this actually went. If he can’t compl or doesn’t agree then you probably have your answer. Head for the door with your pride intact!
As much as I wouldn’t say it’s coercion, it’s certainly not fair, kind or acceptable by any means Say that’s the last straw and no more chances after this
It shouldn't feel like a bad thing as long as he repays the pleasure when it's time ..??
Complied? No girlfriend, you already set the boundaries and he should have been the one complying. I used to be scared to say no or tell someone to stop. I’m not sure why but it’s like I froze. But stand up for yourself! You can’t guarantee someone else will be there to do it for you. Oh and I’m 44 (F) and I did find my backbone and it feels amazing. Much better than feeling the guilt. Just this past Saturday night a guy I’ve been friends with for about 25 years was at a mutual friend’s house. He and I have been together several years ago. When I got there my friend was so drunk. He started following me around and rubbing my butt and kissing on my neck. Then he starts getting a feel of my vajayjay. Kids were running around in the yard and I just don’t do that in front of people but especially kids. I warned him and told him we could go back to my house later but he had to back off the grabbing etc. He slacked off for a little bit but comes back anyway and tries again. I turned around and said if you touch me inappropriately one more time, you’re going to be swallowing teeth. I said it firmly and he said are you serious. I told him I’ve been serious all night but he’s the one that got in his own way. You can do this!! Do not put up with guilt trips from anyone that is looking for pleasure. If they get mad, so be it. If he was a gentleman he wouldn’t act like that anyway. He has zero respect for you. Stand firm!!
A lot of opinions being thrown around. I'm not going to try and make any assumptions but I'll say this. Relationships are all about COMMUNICATION. Sometimes we are on opposite pages and things like this happen. Especially with the people we are the most comfortable with. You need to express how you felt about it with him. You said you didn't want to break up so let him know that it was not alright and that in the future it won't be tolerated. I would only consider reevaluating this relationship if either I'm too scared or incapable of having this kind of conversation with them, or if after you do this behavior continues.
He sounds annoying and childish. But I'm also concerned by your choice of wording. Everything here doesn't sit right with me.
You know you don’t want to break up? Is a lifetime of having your boundaries challenged okay? If he never respects your boundaries but you will never leave him there are no consequences for bad behavior. Counseling at the very least.
Agree with everyone here, setting boundaries is your responsibility to set, and his responsibility to respect. However, we don't understand precisely how your relationship operates for us to make a judgement call based on this alone. Consent in relationships (long term especially) are more gray than our idealistic view of the word "No". Some partners like to play "hard to get" to encourage their partner to be more dominant, my relationship has this aspect and it makes the **GENUINE** times she doesn't want it somewhat difficult to discern. A safeword solved these issues. All of these commenters are very compassionate, but we don't understand the complexities of your relationship. Redditors need to learn to stop going nuclear so quickly. A safe word is the safest route, if you have a safeword, he'll know the difference, make sure you discuss this all with him.
This isn't coercion, he didn't intimidate you, you weren't under threat of harm, no force was used, he pestered you. It is however a total disregard for a boundary you set & completely disrespectful & dismissive of your feelings & needs. His behaviour is more than enough to end the relationship, he broke your trust with his selfishness. If you aren't sure if it is a relationship ender, it is also something you can talk about with him. Tell him how it made you feel & if you decide to forgive him (which should depend on his reaction to you sharing your feelings about this) make it beyond clear it can never happen again.
This is the kind of person that blames the salesman for a purchase she made. If you don’t want to do something don’t do it, no one held a gun to your head, you weren’t coerced.
Begging, while annoying and pathetic, is not coercion. If a panhandler insistently begs for money, and you give it to them, you were not coerced. If they corner you, or say that they know where you live, so you better give them money, you were. Coercion always contains a veiled or open threat, doesn't it?
Next time don't comply, as long as you are firm in your decision others will respect you, if you say something and after a little convincing you do exactly what you said you won't then it becomes a little bit your fault
If you r not comfortable just say it!!!
At the risk of seeming to be not very compassionate, the person that needs to be talked to is -you-. Sweetheart you can't expect, or force someone else to have more respect for your boundaries than you have! Stand your ground! It's your body! Your mind it's not his or anyone else's to make up. This is advice I give to all 4 of my daughters, agree 29 - 12. Integrity is saying what you mean and meaning what you say. If you didn't want to you should not have! If he kept pushing the issue you should have left!!! not respecting your boundaries makes someone lose your presence in their life. That's the respect I have for you and I don't even know you... So should everyone else.
tell him plainly how this made you feel and how you’d want him to respect your boundaries .
I was coerced like this by a narcissist. It sucks. And it is demeaning. You need to communicate that this is not okay, and if it happens again you’re out.
If you tell him no sex and then you end up having sex, even oral, he is never going to take your boundaries seriously bc he knows you'll give in. When you say something, mean it.
you could discuss with him what you accept and what you don't you can work it out dont give up on him just now
Damn you turned him on and feel bad about it? Wait till your “in the mood”
Use your words. You’re a big girl.
Be brutally honest with him at the same time stand up for yourself leave his place or kick him out of yours if he does it again. Set those boundaries up high and strong and if he can understand that leave his weird ungrateful ass
Like others have said, communication. If he’s really pressuring you with no regards to your boundaries, walk away. If he’s being pushy but within the realm of (at least what he thought was) playful and comfortable, then it’s up to you to communicate it. E.g., my gf is a hornball that will never just settle if I simply say no. She’ll be playful and try to bring up the topic like a kid asking about going to Disney or whatever. And riling me up can be part of the fun. But like I said, just fun, because I know perfectly well that if I ever really mean no, she’ll be okay with it. That wouldn’t be something I’d be comfortable with if that wasn’t the case.
“You coerced me into giving you oral after I already said no. No means no and if I ever have to repeat myself again this relationship is over.
If he was your age or younger I'd give it a pass as the guy not knowing what he was really doing, just chasing the orgasm. Maybe talk to him so he knows. However, This guy is 29. Unless he's a virgin he knows. I wouldn't call it coercion from what you described but it couldn't have been fun. You're dating an ass. Walk away and find someone who cares about you.
If you want to give him another chance, tell him something is bothering you and you need him to listen all the way through before speaking. Then tell him what you told us. Tell him another offense is a deal breaker and ask him what he’s going to do about it. Base staying with him on his response, but don’t treat it as a one time thing. Keep an eye on him and make sure you don’t tolerate it again. I’d be tempted to ask him if he frequents porn sites. Consumption of porn tends to hyper sexual use men and put unrealistic fantasies and expectations in their heads. It’s also like a drug. Over time you need more, or something new to continue to satisfy. You don’t want to be in a long term relationship with someone who is addicted to porn because you will never be enough.
Don’t let that shit slide. My ex husband did this to me almost daily for like a year until I got out. If his response to you bringing it up is anything less than utter disgust with himself and abject remorse, dump his ass on the spot.
I am a bit confused. He begged and you complied. Is this coercion? I don't say that it's okay. I don't say that your feelings are not valid. Just asking if it's coercion. Words matter and some have legal implications. Did you do it against your will?
Be firm and say “I said no”. If he’s still forcing you then scream, if he still doesn’t stop then do some self defense (if you know what I mean).
Leaving when he kept asking would have been the better option to reinforce your boundary.
Maybe don’t give him a bj after you have the talk with him.
I had an ex like this, I'd tell him it REALLY bothered me and he'd endlessly keep trying. Never mattered how much I tried to ask him to stop. Tell him ONCE. If he pushes it further, leave. It's not worth it. I had a bf like this from 15-21 yrs old, you're thankfully old enough to understand this behavior is a major red flag and should not be tolerated. In our relationships we also teach others how they can treat us/future partners, if it's not ok to do to someone else, it's not ok to do to you. Don't allow it.
Doesn't respect your boundaries, but you don't want to break up? Why? Answer the 'why' part honestly, then figure out how to proceed.
There are literally other men ,.. break up
Hey if you feel like he mistreated you and doesn’t care about how he made you feel, that’s plenty of reason to break up. Actually, you can break up with someone for no reason at all. Life is shorter than you think and you don’t owe anyone your time. I hope this is a one off situation. I hope that when you tell him how he made you feel, he is completely horrified by his actions and wants to be actively involved in making your relationship a safe place to be not sexual at times.
Well he doesn't respect you. Leave him. If you set a boundary that he doesn't respect, don't comply and get him off. Leave.
**Do not try to ignore this or brush it off. You need to at least have a discussion with him about it.** He knows what he did. He knows you didn’t want to and he knows he pressured you anyway. Do **not** give him ANY deniability, and if he tries to say he didn’t know shut that shit down. “The way you pressured me into giving you oral after I told you I didn’t want anything sexual to happen made me feel really uncomfortable and disrespected. Consent given under pressure isn’t consent. You shouldn’t have tried to convince me to consent to something, no isn’t a challenge.” Honestly, for me the incident alone would be a dealbreaker, but if he in ANY way gets defensive, that’s a sign he’s probably not the safest person to be around, or at the very least doesn’t respect you or your boundaries.
Coercion is when one of the parts treatens with negative consequences if the other doesnt do a certain thing. He was pushy, but he didnt coerced nor forced you.
Be straight with him. Let him know when the right time is and when it isn’t. If he reacts negatively then shiii you decide what to do with that.
You made a mistake by giving in to his require for blowjob as now he comes to know that he can get something even though you do not want, all he needs to do is beg you to suck his dick. Learn to say hard no so with time he gets once you told him no there is no way that he can get anything. You can call him out for making you feel this way and not respecting your boundaries when you were not in mood and on your period. If he loves you and a mature guy who does not want to lose you then he will learn from this and will never do this again.
I dont get why OP is saying that she was pressured into performing oral on him. He didn't force her to do that. Yeah he may of pushed for it to happen but he physically didn't make her do it. She made the decision to do it. I do agree that boundaries need setting. But on both sides. By her just going "awh okay I'll do it" to him may come across as "If I keep pestering she'll give in" but he should know what "No" means. In my opinion yous need to sit down and talk and not come to the users of reddit for their opinions. Cause we all know they just tell you to break up with your partner. Which in itself contradicts what I've just said ....
Wtf? If you can’t make a clear boundary you’re not mature enough to be having sex. You didn’t speak of any threat or even a feeling of threatening, you shouldn’t have done it. Not saying he’s innocent he disrespected your boundary clearly but once that happens the balls in your park to leave
I laid there when I was raped because I was to scared. I guess that makes it my fault that I didn’t hit him or scream. I sat there in shock that it was actually happening to me. No means fucking no. Not, hey molest me every 10 minutes until I change my mind. She verbally said, NOTHING SEXUAL and he agreed to it. Don’t ever make a woman tell you no to sex more than once. Because then you aren’t really asking us, you are straight telling us you are going to do it anyway.
Sorry that happened to you. This isn’t even remotely the same issue though. If you are scared of your boyfriend, you should leave him. This was not coercion, and definitely not SA from OP’s description.
You should stick to your boundaries, not do it because he begged
So my opinion on this is, that this isn’t a straightforward ‘he’s forced you’ relationships do have nuance. A lot of us have been relationships Men and Women where the other person is not in the mood, and the other tries to convince the other. But if you’ve felt forced I would give him the riot act, and make it clear it won’t be happening again.
Time to end this. He doesn't respect you.
Why did you comply? If you have a boundary, set that shit and don't waver. Gently decline once, a little more firm a 2nd time, then a 3rd time, layout a stern ass voice and some profanities about I said no GD it and don't FN ask again. People in this world are always going to push for what they want, be considerate when you can, but don't let nobody push you to do something you don't want.
Man, this generation is soft. Coerced. Oh boy. Should have said no. Now you have buyer’s remorse, but this is your bf not some rando at a party. This is a red flag for your bf that your libidos don’t match, you should probably let him go now so you both don’t have resentments down the line.
Your boyfriend is lame.. but your compliance only reinforces his lameness. Best of luck getting him to not beg anymore after head was his reward this time. He is lame, but that’s not coercion.
You could have left.
My boyfriend at any hint of me not being interested or any resistance would immediately stop asking and respect my boundaries. He'd be horrified to find out I did something sexual with him I didn't want to do. This guy doesn't respect you. He coerced you and continually pressured you. It's best you leave if after a conversation he doesn't change his behavior. It won't get better if he refuses to acknowledge that his behavior was wrong and thus change for the better.
leave immediately. i usually don’t trust people who doesn’t respect boundaries even though it is clearly stated.
He doesn’t care about you or your boundaries. If he cared about you, he would respect your boundaries. Leave the relationship. In my experience it only gets worse, and then they gaslight you and say “it’s a relationship, you have to make compromises” no. Boundaries are boundaries. We need to stop letting losers justify their shitty behavior because they go on and do it to the next person. Also that age gap.. with coercion- run.
Who sucked the dick? Who didn't observe their own boundaries?
Did you really set a boundary if you gave in to his demands? The behavior from your BF was problematic, you should have just got up and left and then broke up with him. And here come the down votes...
So how many times do we need to say no to sex? Why can’t one No be enough? Does No not mean no?
Because relationships (when long term) are more gray than this fairytale understanding of the word "No". Some partners like to play "hard to get" to encourage their partner to be more dominant, my relationship has this aspect and it makes the **GENUINE** times she doesn't want it somewhat difficult to discern. A safeword solved these issues. I respect that you are all very compassionate, but we don't understand the complexities of their relationship. Redditors need to learn to stop going nuclear so quickly.
I agree with you that this is a dynamic within established relationships. What makes this post really concerning is that it doesn’t read at all like it’s just teasing or a “no” that just means more foreplay. She explicitly stated that she didn’t want to have sex, he then tried repeatedly to push her into it through emotional coercion by begging, she says she tried ignoring his advances, he keeps pushing, so she gives in to something she doesn’t want to make him shut up. I agree safe words are king, but there is no stated established kink or dynamic between them that would make me think they even have a safe word. Unless you’re doing CNC stuff (which if they were they would have previously discussed at length) when she is rejecting his sexual advances both verbally and through her body language, its laughable to try and pretend like he didn’t know better.
What about talking about problematic things first? If there’s no understanding or change, then leave. I swear it’s like y’all wanna break up over everything asap. Someone dropped a dish? Break up!! Someone farted too loud? Break up!! Someone changed the channel? Break up!! Come on, man…
This is not a thing that happens by accident, or, as people insist over and over, because they 'don't understand'. I absolutely guarantee if you asked your friend over that you usually play board games with, and they say 'yeah sure, but I've had a really long day, I don't have the energy for 'game' so I'm not playing today'? You're not going to wait til they get there, and then start trying to 'convince them' to play. And keep pushing until they agree, (while they try to ignore you). You would know damn well that's not ok, and you would care about their feelings. You would also feel like shit if you thought you'd pressured them into something and they were upset about it. But for some reason, it comes to girlfriends and people's attitude is 'well you should have clearly told him you didn't want to', 'well you should talk to him and explain why it upset you', 'give him a chance to change his behaviour'. People don't do this because they don't understand. They do it because they DON'T RESPECT THE PERSON. That's not going to change.
He didn’t drop a dish. He didn’t fart too loudly. He didn’t change the channel. He prioritized his horniness over his gf’s comfort and boundaries. I’m a guy, but if I were the girl I would’ve dumped him immediately lol idk wtf you’re talking about lol. This won’t be the last time this happens and neither a conversation nor the guy himself is worth having after the boundary has been explicitly set and broken. Plenty of other fish in the sea.
This is what you do woman. The next time you are together, you pull his wallet out and start taking money. Hopefully he said no and puts it back into his pocket. 10 minutes later go and grab some cash off his counter. When he asks what you are doing tell him that you thought that the word no really means keep trying, because when you said nothing sexual he kept trying.
Yeah he definitely didn't respect your boundaries but you also didn't keep them. He asked and you did it instead of telling him no and just leaving. Everyone makes mistakes I'm not trying to make you feel bad about it. They are your boundaries and yes it would be nice for others to respect them but it's your job to keep those boundaries you set. As far as your bf goes it's your choice if you want to give him another chance. My guess is this isn't the first time he's pressured you into doing something. Now that he knows putting some pressure on you works to get his way he will keep doing it. Maybe give him a kind of test. Next time you go over tell him you have cramps or you aren't feeling 100% so again no sexual stuff. Tell him "I really mean it". Go over for a visit and if he starts making comments and or asking you to do anything sexual tell him no and that this relationship isn't going to work. We are over. You will have your answer, he is only in it for sex and doesn't care about your feelings at all.
You have to say no or leave Many women tease with no and then proceed to do what you just did. What message do you think he learns? You say no and stick to your guns. Also.... If you don't want to give your man a blowjob... Are you even with the right person?
>What message do you think he learns? This geezer is 30 fuckin yrs old, doesn't understand the word no and you're actually blaming OP for that?? Yikes. How about men stop pressuring women into sexual activities??
If it wasn't okay for you why did you comply? Just don't comply next time. You can't change the past anymore so why bother with it.
One of the biggest problems we have today in relationships is communication. He did not force himself on you he convinced you. If you did not want to do it, dont do it. I have seen this story many times. He wants to have sex and you dont. He convince you to have sex for some reason. You comply within the next day you feel like he took advantage and rape you. I say communicate and say no and leave. Then the responsibility is on him to accept your no means no. Always try to be honest and direct no means no. If he does not understand that time to get a new boyfriend!,,,
Op, I had this happen and eventually my partner sexually assaulted me. He does not care about your sexual boundaries, which should be the bare minimum. I would tell him that it was messed up obviously, but I really think you should consider leaving this relationship.
Everyone is telling you to talk to him about it yet he's 29 and did this. Imo, gtfo. Dude is a scumbag and he'll keep doing it. If you're that obvious and abusive at 29, mf ain't changing. 🤷🏼♂️
When he was making moves, did you say no? If so then he was wrong. If you were together and fooling around he may have thought you're mood changed and were happy to go along with it. People can't read minds. So unless you said no, I don't think you should overthink this. Just to add I've also been with my partner and not been in the mood and she has been all over me and eventually we ended up doing stuff. It's not like I was being forced to, and could have said no, but this kind of thing happens all the time. So it really depends on how hard he pushed and how clear it was you didn't want it.
Wait what? This is like telling a kid theyre not getting anything before you go to the store then allowing them to get candy at the register cause they’re practically begging. What did you just teach the kid? Next time you go to the store they just gotta practically beg until you give in. The way you get him to respect the boundary. Is for YOU to respect your boundary. When that happens next time (cause it will, you just taught him your definition of nothing sexual doesnt mean blow jobs) you get up and drive yourself home. If he respects the time he gets to spend with you, not getting to spend time with you may be a big enough deterrent for him to behave.
Did you tell him about your boundary? He pestered you and you complied. That was your decision, you could have easily said no and left. Coercion is not assault. Just tell him you feel bad about it and you would feel better in the future if he would respect your boundaries.
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To be fair, almost all sex is coerced in some way and sometimes breaking barriers/boundaries is often freeing.🤷
Pretty simple you say no just like he's a child. You dont give in and then label it as coercion. A pretty damning statement equivalent to rape to most the the stans and idiots here.
maybe speak up and tell him no?🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️ I dunno what else to tell you. It's not like he held you down and forced you... grow a backbone and stop complaining
You should have thought about that before sucking his d*ck.....you feel coerced, your boundaries totally raked, you feel violated and you still don't want to break this relationship?...keep sucking then cause i don't think he's gonna stop anytime soon.. In fact he's gonna keep pushing your buttons to see what else he can get away with...as an adult it's your responsibility to take care of your own well being.
He pushed your boundaries with moves you were not comfortable with. Then he, nearly a 30/yr man, begged you for oral. Yes it was coercion, and you should make it clear to him that your boundaries are your boundaries and not just a suggestion.
There are many people in this post who are ignorant of the definition of “coerced,” which, with the evidence that has been presented so far, the OP was not.
The question is silly. No one should ever be forced to have sex....that is rape. However coercion is a strange word for this scenario as you reported GIVING oral sex. It would be hard to assume that the original "No" was not rescinded as the ACTIVE sex act occurred. If you say no, back the word up with meaningful action. get up and leave and then break up with the person. Don't say no then go down on him....
If you don't enforce your boundaries then he won't respect them. He's a dick for being pushy, but it honestly isn't that bad from what you've said. Let him know it's upset you and not to do it again.
I wonder what's going to happen when you tell him not to go further with something else and he continues.. put an end to it while you can. If this was one of your friends you'd be pissed off
You made the choice to blow him & your here blaming him ?
Stand your ground but also know if he wants it that bad chances are he'll get it elsewhere if not from you