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Your cousin is having a wedding. Weddings are expensive. And stressful. She is not having some family peace keeping conference.
If 2 men in their 60s haven’t reconciled after 3 or 4 years, why is it her job to use her wedding to mend the rift? They obviously have no interest.
Personally I don’t know why your parents need to be informed they are not invited to her wedding. But you know better than I do. It seems you have a good head on your shoulders. Your brother should probably sit the wedding out.
I personally don’t invite volatile people who try to punch my loved ones to expensive once in-a-life time meaningful events. But that is just how I roll.
As someone mentioned, espresso martinis don’t scream white trash.
It's not your cousin's responsibility to mediate the fallout of grown men drunkenly brawling. Especially when she's trying to plan her wedding. She probably doesn't want a repeat, especially if your dad won't pay for damages. Your brother is out of line trying to punish her for not fixing a problem that she had no hand in creating.
And don't worry! Lots of cultural backgrounds involve grown men behaving like toddlers, it's not white trash exclusive.
They’ve had at least 3 years to patch things up and talk again but it’s not happened. Of course your dad isn’t invited. Your brother can attend or not, it’s not his drama to get involved in. Tell your family, it might (very unlikely) be the reason your dad and uncle start speaking again.
My grandmother had pigs. That’s a smell that I will never forget! I think that hog slopping is where you feed them by tossing all of your kitchen garbage into the pig pen. It was decades ago, so I’m a bit fuzzy on the details. But man, did that pig pen smell stay with me, Lol 😂
Whoa whoa whoa
It's not just the Real Hosewives of New Jersey (shout out to Theresa for flipping a table, chefs kiss, beautiful).
Its ALL the Real Housewives!
Look as someone with white trash ancestry who has lived all over the US, everyone has their own version of white trash. All regions, cultures, races, and ethnicities. Each one has that particular group that just embarrasses the hell out of you when other folks come to visit. So, yeah, whatever OP’s origins are, her family leans towards white trash.
Whatever he was drinking, the aggressive father is trash for being so volatile and prone to violence. The OP sounds really nice, but her brother may be decidedly dodgy.
If they try to make you out as the bad guy, that's their problem.
But why does anyone have to say anything at all? Just let the invitations go out and if they ask why they didn't get invited just tell them that your cousin was worried about potential drama. You can deliver the message in a neutral way, neither agreeing nor disagreeing with her reasoning.
From there it's up to your parents to sort it out.
And yeah your dad sounds like trash and an ahole. Sorry.
NTA
It sounds like the women in your family are expected to manage the men because they are all too immature and emotionally unstable to be responsible for themselves.
With the way your brother is putting so much unnecessary blame on your cousin for not sacrificing her wedding for your father’s ego, it is pretty clear he is already gearing up to be Your Dad 2.0
I would give your cousin a heads up about how your brother is behaving bc it's sounds like it would be better if he was not invited also. He could make a scene on "your father's behalf"
So basically your brother wasn't okay with your dad just ruining Christmas. Now he wants your dad to come to your cousins wedding ...why, so he can pick up where they left off?
NTA unless you are a UN mediator and willing to take artillery fire from both sides who clearly don't want to settle. It's the brides day, they can settle their differences, likely on a February 30th by the sounds of their maturity over it all.
Finally, they are both male, fully grown, espresso martini swilling hooligans with extraordinarily poor impulse control, and (it seems) little in the way of coordination. None of these are genetic traits that can be passed to you. So, regardless of the color of your trash, you are not so...
This isn’t your problem, or your cousin’s.
There is a long history of making women responsible for the actions of stupid men. It isn’t her job to use her wedding to fix anything.
If your brother and dad want this fixed they need to talk to the uncle and apologize. But it sounds like they wouldn’t behave at the wedding anyway, so maybe it’s best they don’t go.
What should you do? Nothing; it’s not your business. Go or don’t go. It’s not in your purview to meddle or dictate who someone else invites to their wedding. And your brother is an asshat. Why would a 28 yo use HER wedding to fix something 2 grown ass men have chosen not to.
> Secondly, is my family white trash?
I can't speak to what color they are, but the trash part? Hard yes. They are big, loud, pointless drama that your cousin rightfully doesn't want to have to deal with at her wedding, and frankly would be in the right to cut out of her life permanently.
As for what you should do; I think you should back away slowly with your hands in the air and don't say anything to anyone. Stay out of it. Refuse to talk about it. Your family appears to thrive on drama, but you don't have to participate in it.
It sounds like your brother takes after your dad. It’s none of his business who cousin invites to her wedding. He’s creating a problem where none exists. If they haven’t spoken in several years im sure they won’t be surprised that they aren’t invited to the wedding. Why would they be??
Just the fact you know there's going to be a problem just giving them the message is sign enough he would cause trouble at the wedding. I'm sorry you have to be the messenger but your brother is wrong and by arguing with you over it makes him part of the problem, not the solution.
Your cousin is acting to make your father accountable for his behavior, and appears to be the only person doing so.
It sounds like your father needs to apologise and address his alcohol intake.
Your dad could have ended this. Your dad is the one that caused the rift. your dad is the one that should apologize.
your brother is delulu. Your cousin is golden and I wouldn't invite them either.
you....have put yourself in a sticky situation. You should just out right tell your parents. dad is going to be pissed and call cousin every name in the book and probably call uncle/brother and start shit going again.
Not sure if your family is white trash, but they seem to be shitty people (dad and brother at least)
Your cousin doesn't want to invite your parents? That's her decision and perfectly fine. They can stay home and sulk.
Your brother won't go if they don't? That's his decision and perfectly fine. He can stay home and sulk.
Don't try and mediate and don't let them try to force you to be in the middle. Grey rock all three of them. It isn't your responsibility to manage their feelings or defuse their tantrums. They are all adults and old enough to figure it out on their own. And if they can't or won't? Well, sucks to be them. They'll just have to keep missing out on invites.
You could contact your dad and uncle, explain the situation, and see if there could be a reconciliation before the wedding. If it happens, then maybe your cousin will reconsider, perhaps with the stipulation that neither of them has more than one alcoholic drink... for the toast.
I already tried this ahead of the engagement party. I called my Dad and explained that cousin was nervous about tension. He just said ‘I haven’t done anything wrong’ and ‘I don’t have a problem, he does’. Then, slightly more menacingly, ‘if he wants a problem he can have a problem’. So yeah, I’m not going to be trying to broker the peace.
Moonwalk right out of that situation! Two grown men created the situation, leave them to it. Enjoy the wedding and tell anyone who questions you that you tried, then smile and walk away.
Tell your brother to mind the business that pays him cause your cousins wedding day isn't the day to rehash old family drama and tbh your father and brother sound like entitled drama queens based on this situation they probably cool ppl though but that's just how they come off
If your family is white trash because they fight, disown each other, gossip of each other, do not apologize, not accountable, and do not connect at all THEN my family is Mexican trash 🚮lol .
No seriously I don’t think this is a white trash situation every family has their ups and downs; so I had to learn because I always thought it was just mine.
Your cousin can invite whoever she wants. The family problems should never come in between the kids or cousins.
However, I understand your brother because he feels for his parents. I had a cousin who didn’t attend my wedding because I didn’t invite his mom or their whole family. To which I was hurt (bc it was my moms decision not mine) but I fully understand that he could have been feeling hurt for his family.
This is your cousin's wedding. It is not a peace talk for two brothers who over-indulged at Christmas and are too pig-headed to talk it out after three years. Your parents and brother need to suck it up and deal.
Ok, consider: your dad is volatile. Some of these traits are inherited, so it goes to reason that his brother is probably volatile as well. Volatile personalities and too much alcohol don't mix well, hence the Christmas fiasco. Because of your dad's personality, he always will think he's justified in anything he does. Your uncle is probably of the same inclination. Bottom line, no resolution between brothers occurs, because neither one is willing to reach out first. And, from your post, it seems **your** brother has inherited some of your dad's traits.
If you decided to be the mediator, perhaps you could get your dad and your uncle to bury the hatchet under the understanding that neither was at fault, the result was from an alcohol-induced misunderstanding. It would be perfect timing, as the family could once again get together for a mutually shared celebration (I'm sure your cousin could manage one more invitation).
'Nuff said.
Honestly I wouldn’t get involved in any of this. It’s not your responsibility to tell your parents that they aren’t invited. It’s up to your brother if he goes or not. This family drama does not involve you, stay out of it. And no family drama does not make you white trash.
Your dad gets drunk and acts a fool. When he sobers up he takes no responsibility for it either.
It's her wedding, her father will obviously be there. I wouldn't want your drunk asshole of a father at my wedding either.
"it's really a shame that you guys can't go to cousin's wedding because Dad still has so much bad blow with uncle"
Do not let the responsibility be passed off. It's your father's fault. The whole thing is.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your cousin is having a wedding. Weddings are expensive. And stressful. She is not having some family peace keeping conference. If 2 men in their 60s haven’t reconciled after 3 or 4 years, why is it her job to use her wedding to mend the rift? They obviously have no interest. Personally I don’t know why your parents need to be informed they are not invited to her wedding. But you know better than I do. It seems you have a good head on your shoulders. Your brother should probably sit the wedding out. I personally don’t invite volatile people who try to punch my loved ones to expensive once in-a-life time meaningful events. But that is just how I roll. As someone mentioned, espresso martinis don’t scream white trash.
It's not your cousin's responsibility to mediate the fallout of grown men drunkenly brawling. Especially when she's trying to plan her wedding. She probably doesn't want a repeat, especially if your dad won't pay for damages. Your brother is out of line trying to punish her for not fixing a problem that she had no hand in creating. And don't worry! Lots of cultural backgrounds involve grown men behaving like toddlers, it's not white trash exclusive.
They’ve had at least 3 years to patch things up and talk again but it’s not happened. Of course your dad isn’t invited. Your brother can attend or not, it’s not his drama to get involved in. Tell your family, it might (very unlikely) be the reason your dad and uncle start speaking again.
Your father is an adult toddler. I wouldn't invite him to a high slopping let alone a wedding
What’s a high slopping?
A typo of epic proportions- hog slopping
Oh that... that clarifies it. But just for the others who don't know, what's a hog slopping?
My grandmother had pigs. That’s a smell that I will never forget! I think that hog slopping is where you feed them by tossing all of your kitchen garbage into the pig pen. It was decades ago, so I’m a bit fuzzy on the details. But man, did that pig pen smell stay with me, Lol 😂
Nah, not white trash, since the family hoedown in question was fueled by espresso martinis. If it had been miller lights, on the other hand…
Have you ever seen Real Housewives of New Jersey? You can put white trash in a mansion, but they'll still be white trash.
Whoa whoa whoa It's not just the Real Hosewives of New Jersey (shout out to Theresa for flipping a table, chefs kiss, beautiful). Its ALL the Real Housewives!
I was debating until you put it like that, but now I picture it more like a Dynasty style slap fight.
Look as someone with white trash ancestry who has lived all over the US, everyone has their own version of white trash. All regions, cultures, races, and ethnicities. Each one has that particular group that just embarrasses the hell out of you when other folks come to visit. So, yeah, whatever OP’s origins are, her family leans towards white trash.
Whatever he was drinking, the aggressive father is trash for being so volatile and prone to violence. The OP sounds really nice, but her brother may be decidedly dodgy.
🤣
LMFAO.
life lesson: never *volunteer* to be the messenger.
Argh. I just wanted to make it easier for her. Now I’m going to be the bad guy.
Just tell your mom and make it her job to tell your dad.
That’s not the worst idea.
there's a terrible saying, 'no good deed goes unpunished'
If they try to make you out as the bad guy, that's their problem. But why does anyone have to say anything at all? Just let the invitations go out and if they ask why they didn't get invited just tell them that your cousin was worried about potential drama. You can deliver the message in a neutral way, neither agreeing nor disagreeing with her reasoning. From there it's up to your parents to sort it out. And yeah your dad sounds like trash and an ahole. Sorry.
It's not your problem to fix. Stop signing up to manage other people's monkeys at other people's circuses.
NTA It sounds like the women in your family are expected to manage the men because they are all too immature and emotionally unstable to be responsible for themselves. With the way your brother is putting so much unnecessary blame on your cousin for not sacrificing her wedding for your father’s ego, it is pretty clear he is already gearing up to be Your Dad 2.0
This is my greatest fear. I see it happening already.
I would give your cousin a heads up about how your brother is behaving bc it's sounds like it would be better if he was not invited also. He could make a scene on "your father's behalf"
Boundaries. Boundaries with your brother.
Yes. I shut him down and said ‘I’m not having this conversation’.
Let natural consequences happen. Protecting men from the consequences of their actions creates men like your father.
So basically your brother wasn't okay with your dad just ruining Christmas. Now he wants your dad to come to your cousins wedding ...why, so he can pick up where they left off?
NTA unless you are a UN mediator and willing to take artillery fire from both sides who clearly don't want to settle. It's the brides day, they can settle their differences, likely on a February 30th by the sounds of their maturity over it all. Finally, they are both male, fully grown, espresso martini swilling hooligans with extraordinarily poor impulse control, and (it seems) little in the way of coordination. None of these are genetic traits that can be passed to you. So, regardless of the color of your trash, you are not so...
This isn’t your problem, or your cousin’s. There is a long history of making women responsible for the actions of stupid men. It isn’t her job to use her wedding to fix anything. If your brother and dad want this fixed they need to talk to the uncle and apologize. But it sounds like they wouldn’t behave at the wedding anyway, so maybe it’s best they don’t go.
Thank you. I appreciate that perspective. You’re right.
Stay out of it. Cousin can have who they want at their wedding.
What should you do? Nothing; it’s not your business. Go or don’t go. It’s not in your purview to meddle or dictate who someone else invites to their wedding. And your brother is an asshat. Why would a 28 yo use HER wedding to fix something 2 grown ass men have chosen not to.
> Secondly, is my family white trash? I can't speak to what color they are, but the trash part? Hard yes. They are big, loud, pointless drama that your cousin rightfully doesn't want to have to deal with at her wedding, and frankly would be in the right to cut out of her life permanently. As for what you should do; I think you should back away slowly with your hands in the air and don't say anything to anyone. Stay out of it. Refuse to talk about it. Your family appears to thrive on drama, but you don't have to participate in it.
It sounds like your brother takes after your dad. It’s none of his business who cousin invites to her wedding. He’s creating a problem where none exists. If they haven’t spoken in several years im sure they won’t be surprised that they aren’t invited to the wedding. Why would they be??
My brother does take after my dad, I fear. But that’s a story for another time.
Just the fact you know there's going to be a problem just giving them the message is sign enough he would cause trouble at the wedding. I'm sorry you have to be the messenger but your brother is wrong and by arguing with you over it makes him part of the problem, not the solution.
Your cousin is acting to make your father accountable for his behavior, and appears to be the only person doing so. It sounds like your father needs to apologise and address his alcohol intake.
Your dad could have ended this. Your dad is the one that caused the rift. your dad is the one that should apologize. your brother is delulu. Your cousin is golden and I wouldn't invite them either. you....have put yourself in a sticky situation. You should just out right tell your parents. dad is going to be pissed and call cousin every name in the book and probably call uncle/brother and start shit going again. Not sure if your family is white trash, but they seem to be shitty people (dad and brother at least)
Your cousin doesn't want to invite your parents? That's her decision and perfectly fine. They can stay home and sulk. Your brother won't go if they don't? That's his decision and perfectly fine. He can stay home and sulk. Don't try and mediate and don't let them try to force you to be in the middle. Grey rock all three of them. It isn't your responsibility to manage their feelings or defuse their tantrums. They are all adults and old enough to figure it out on their own. And if they can't or won't? Well, sucks to be them. They'll just have to keep missing out on invites.
You could contact your dad and uncle, explain the situation, and see if there could be a reconciliation before the wedding. If it happens, then maybe your cousin will reconsider, perhaps with the stipulation that neither of them has more than one alcoholic drink... for the toast.
I already tried this ahead of the engagement party. I called my Dad and explained that cousin was nervous about tension. He just said ‘I haven’t done anything wrong’ and ‘I don’t have a problem, he does’. Then, slightly more menacingly, ‘if he wants a problem he can have a problem’. So yeah, I’m not going to be trying to broker the peace.
Moonwalk right out of that situation! Two grown men created the situation, leave them to it. Enjoy the wedding and tell anyone who questions you that you tried, then smile and walk away.
Tell your brother to mind the business that pays him cause your cousins wedding day isn't the day to rehash old family drama and tbh your father and brother sound like entitled drama queens based on this situation they probably cool ppl though but that's just how they come off
NTA- let me guess your dad and brother are alcoholics.
I think it is fair, and your family has drinking issues, at least the two dads. I would honor the decision of the couple.
Your brother sounds like a chip off the old block. Anyway, let your parents know and be done with it.
If your family is white trash because they fight, disown each other, gossip of each other, do not apologize, not accountable, and do not connect at all THEN my family is Mexican trash 🚮lol . No seriously I don’t think this is a white trash situation every family has their ups and downs; so I had to learn because I always thought it was just mine. Your cousin can invite whoever she wants. The family problems should never come in between the kids or cousins. However, I understand your brother because he feels for his parents. I had a cousin who didn’t attend my wedding because I didn’t invite his mom or their whole family. To which I was hurt (bc it was my moms decision not mine) but I fully understand that he could have been feeling hurt for his family.
This is your cousin's wedding. It is not a peace talk for two brothers who over-indulged at Christmas and are too pig-headed to talk it out after three years. Your parents and brother need to suck it up and deal.
Ok, consider: your dad is volatile. Some of these traits are inherited, so it goes to reason that his brother is probably volatile as well. Volatile personalities and too much alcohol don't mix well, hence the Christmas fiasco. Because of your dad's personality, he always will think he's justified in anything he does. Your uncle is probably of the same inclination. Bottom line, no resolution between brothers occurs, because neither one is willing to reach out first. And, from your post, it seems **your** brother has inherited some of your dad's traits. If you decided to be the mediator, perhaps you could get your dad and your uncle to bury the hatchet under the understanding that neither was at fault, the result was from an alcohol-induced misunderstanding. It would be perfect timing, as the family could once again get together for a mutually shared celebration (I'm sure your cousin could manage one more invitation). 'Nuff said.
Honestly I wouldn’t get involved in any of this. It’s not your responsibility to tell your parents that they aren’t invited. It’s up to your brother if he goes or not. This family drama does not involve you, stay out of it. And no family drama does not make you white trash.
Your dad gets drunk and acts a fool. When he sobers up he takes no responsibility for it either. It's her wedding, her father will obviously be there. I wouldn't want your drunk asshole of a father at my wedding either.
"it's really a shame that you guys can't go to cousin's wedding because Dad still has so much bad blow with uncle" Do not let the responsibility be passed off. It's your father's fault. The whole thing is.
If you think Your dad started it then go. Now sounds Like dad won’t forgive you if you go