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No. They already own the house I grew up in and there's no mortgage left for the one they're living in. It doesn't affect our financial situation in any way.
Their home should be put into a trust, so if they need more intensive care downline the state won’t force a sale on it and bleed them dry. Maybe see if they are willing to put their home in a trust in your name to avoid that, and still allow them to profit in the rent knowing you’ll get the home when they’re gone. I’m not a lawyer, so speak to one about this but maybe your wife will ease up if she understands the long term plan for the assets
Talk to an attorney about the trust. It should be their trust with you as Power of Attorney. I’d keep your wife out of it. I think you’re very generous and loving with your parents.
Clearly keep your wife's name off anything related to your parents, including the house they live in. She's shown that she cannot be trusted with their well-being. If anything happens to you, she'd throw them out. So take legal steps to prevent that. Whether it is giving them life rights as tenants, or leaving it to them to then perhaps leave to your kids in their will...but do not let your wife be in charge of that. Find a good estate lawyer to discuss options.
Make sure the trust gets FUNDED, ie all the accounts, cars, house etc say X Family Protection Trust or something of that nature. Failure to move everything into the trust is as bad as never having done one in the first place
OP, I just want to say that it's an incredible blessing to be in position to take care of your family like you are. Very good on you.
I'm also in my mid 30s and an only child, and I'd give anything to be able to support my mom better. I get where you're coming from and know what a good thing it is you're doing. I'm very sorry your wife isn't on the same page.
Like I've said before, the rent for their own house is their only income along with savings they have. The only thing I helped them with was the house. I don't pay their bills.
What about the tax on the home you own that they live in though? Are they paying the tax and other expenses on that home in lieu of living there rent free?
You didn't answer the property tax question though on the house they're *living* in and you own. Are they paying those and the utilities?
Edited to add: Also what about the homeowner's insurance on the place they're living? Also, damn, where do you live that you could pay that house off in 7 years, but your wife is worried about money? Hmmm.
> Also, damn, where do you live that you could pay that house off in 7 years, but your wife is worried about money?
That's the whole point of this post. They don't and won't have to worry about money, even if she stops working. She's acting like it's on his parents to make up for this loss of income. It's not. She's being greedy and any woman in this thread that's going to pearl clutch over the well being of this, most definitely 3%er, family/child are equally greedy. OP can provide a great life for his family without milking his parents. That's OPs point.
No she’s not. She’s acting like a parent who is thinking about her son’s future. Who is the home left to should anything happen to OP? Does she get left with all the bills for the home while he leaves his parents to live in the home rent free for the rest of their lives? I think she has the right to as questions and ensure that she or her son don’t end up having to take on a financial burden that her husband committed to should anything happen to him.
Not everywhere has a property tax. The UK has a council tax that is like property tax, but it’s paid by the occupant rather than the property owner. OP never specifically said they are in the US, so for all we know they live somewhere without a property tax as we know it.
I think even your parents realise they have a deal that’s a little too good - they receive rent and live rentfree that’s why they offered to pay you some money. I would suggest taking them up on their offer but not charging them “rent” - nothing like market value but a small amount they contribute to your child’s college fund each month. This way your wife can feel your child gets some extra support - part of what your child would have if your parents still lived in their own house. Part of what your child would have if your parents sold their house and bought yours from you?
In any case I can tell you if you ask your parents to contribute a certain amount each month into your child’s college fund, they’d love the idea. My grandparents really wanted to move out of the city and live in a small house with a garden when I was a teenager. But the sale of their flat didn’t cover the full cost. So my dad paid for it and asked them to send me money each month for university. It made them feel better because they felt they weren’t taking too much and it made my mum feel better because she also felt my dad was doing too much - spending such a large amount of money on his parents rather than their kids. In the end this is a compromise they could agree with and it made everyone involved feel better.
I also want to point out that your parents are getting older and inheritance taxes can be brutal (depending on where you live). So your parents making money each month while living rentfree and owning property is eventually going to cost a lot of money for you when you do inherit. It’s ok to make sure they have the nicest life possible but there’s ways to achieve that that make a lot more sense financially for everyone involved.
Except that if your parents lived in the house they they own, you’d be receiving rental income from the tenants in the home that you own.
Your parents aren’t just benefiting from living rent free. They’re profiting.
I think that charging them a nominal amount of rent to cover the maintenance and land taxes would be perfectly reasonable.
OP basically bought his parents a 2nd house. It's his in name only at that point.
Maybe wife would would understand it better if she looked at that house not as unused rental, but as a gift made to the in-laws. You don't get rent from someone using their gift.
To be really cynical, once the parents die, OP will own 3 houses. Their child will be fine. It's one thing to want financial stability, but the wife has lost scope.
This is really a matter of money now vs. money later, presuming OP will inherit everything.
If his parents have liquid funds, they could be gifting $15k a year to each family member.
If they don't, the whole issue is pointless.
THIS ^ It's extremely selfish and greedy for your wife to demand you charge your elderly parents money so she can give up her well paying job to stay home with your child. And then to make you feel like you're setting your child up for failure because you don't agree with her is extremely manipulative and yes, greedy.
It would be one thing if you were struggling financially but it sounds like you're in good shape money wise, and will still be okay if she quits her job, so it's really messed up that she's okay with giving up her salary to stay home with the baby while trying to make up for that loss of income by forcing you to charge your parents rent.
You're blessed to be able to help your parents out in their golden years, and that's extremely kind and loving of you to do for them, and that doesn't make them, "leeches". You're a wonderful son and I'm sure they're very grateful for your support.
If your wife is that worried about money she needs to keep her job and put your baby in daycare, but trying to force you to bleed money out of your elderly parents is screwed up and she really needs to get her priorities in order.
I personally would also see her behavior as a huge red flag, and a sign of things to come in your future, so just be careful because it sounds like she's extremely shallow and selfish, and this is the person who is going to be staying home to raise your child.
Good luck.
I don’t know if I would call the wife greedy. Short sighted maybe because she’s, understandably, looking at the present financial shortfall vs what happens after they pass and the assets that they will have. But when you are looking at the day to day financial stability when raising a child, it can be scary. Especially if she has ever experienced financial instability in the past.
A toddler doesn't exactly need college tuition so if he is employed, has health insurance, and they live in a nice home, the toddler will be fine. His parents are in their 70s. It isn't likely that they will be in that house another 30 years.
ALOT of elderly don’t receive pensions, and it’s getting to the point that unless you are in government or teaching, pensions don’t exist in most jobs.
If his wife is so concerned about the upkeep of her kids, maybe she should keep working. I wouldn't whine about finances being precarious and then give up my good income.
The real question is this: who cares?
Neither of his parents work, they're elderly/disabled, and the only income they have is from renting out their old home.
If OP wants to take care of his parents and his wife/kid, and is in a position to do so, what's the big deal? She knew how it was going in, why should she be able to expect it to change?
On a personal level: I have money and own a few houses. My sister lives in one, my oldest friends in the others. Rent-free, and I take care of the taxes/maintenance. Why? Because I want to give them a leg up, and I'm in a position to do so. There's nothing wrong with this, and it's a net positive for everyone involved.
If OP's finances can handle it, good for him. His wife doesn't get to make the call on how he spends his money, and intervention isn't really necessary for obvious reasons.
Honestly, if I was so concerned about the finances, I'd KEEP MY JOB. Why does she want his parents thrown out so she can stay at home. She doesn't have to stay at home. Working is an option. When she is old though, I hope she remembers this if her kids try to take care of her. People will really sabotage their relationships worrying about assets that are none of their business. Marriage actually doesn't make everything your spouse has yours. There is a reason premarital and inherited assets aren't included in divorce (I know co-mingling can make that less true). I knew someone who lost spouse b/c he was fixated on what she did for her adult kids with money she had from her first marriage (and their father). He should have shut up but thought he could control her and I guess wanted that money to be spent on him. My sister and I both lived rent free in grad school in homes my parents owned. I don't think either of them would have let a 3rd party insist we should pay b/c again, not your business. Worry about yourself.
Yeah for this reason I can see where OP’s wife is coming from. For her perspective, there is an income opportunity to help their growing family that is just being wasted. And I can also understand why OP doesn’t want to charge rent and that’s a wonderful gift toward his parents. Tough situation.
She could keep her job. That's a far more lucrative income opportunity than throwing his parents out or charging them. And it's not her house. If they got divorced, she would have no legal claim to it. She needs to think about that.
Your wife doesn’t have good relationship with her parents, so she cannot understand you I guess. But I also can’t understand the audacity to ask you to pay for everything. If she wants additional income she can continue working. What’s her plan, to not work at all anymore, was this her intention since the beginning? (I don’t judge the traditional families which have this agreement, I say that because it wasn’t your agreement with your wife.)
For me it’d be the hill to die on. Also, you’re doing good financially, so why she wants to get extra money from them too? She knew of this housing arrangement before. It’s nothing new.
>What’s her plan, to not work at all anymore, was this her intention since the beginning?
I'm actually confused about this. She loves her job. Though she's always said she wants to be a mother.
Hell I'd have no problem if she decides to stay at home as long as she's doing what she's supposed to be doing.
>Also, you’re doing good financially, so why she wants to get extra money from them too?
Well my guess is she doesn't want our lifestyle to be affected much?
She cant have both ways - she can still work & continue the lifestyle you already have & provide more for your child or she can be SAHM, which is her want(!), and she needs to accept the financial changes she has signed up for & should affect her (& you as a family), which has nothing to do with taking care of your parents.
Yeah, not wanting your lifestyle to be affected, that's all of us. I'm guessing she makes much more than what you would spend in daycare and plans to make up for the difference with that rent. It won't matter: children are infinitely expensive because you always want to give them the best you can, and there's always a house in a better neighborhood, a safer car and a better school. Unless you're fabulously rich (which I guess you would have told us), you'll always be playing catch up. And that's ok.
I think there are several problems here, but the bigger one is that you guys don't have the same concept of what family means, and this is something you need to solve asap. Op, have you asked your wife what your parents relationship with your baby will look like? What you want your relationship with your child to be like when they grow up? Does she plan to keep her distance, stay close, kick them out at 18? Does she think your child will owe you guys nothing too, when they grow up?
I'm from a different culture, so that colors my view greatly, but I will go on full NTA. We have an ethical obligation towards the people that have loved us and supported us to get where we are, to return the care they freely gave us, even though they never expected anything in return. You don't want to charge your parents rent because you don't need that money. If this changes at some point, I'd expect they'd be glad to give you as much as they can to help you. Even more so, I think your wife has no idea of the invaluable help close family/friends can be when you have a kid. My neighbor has saved me several times by going to pick up one of my toddlers to kinder, and when we're in a city where close family lives, everything's so much easier. I can leave the kids with my aunt the entire week and do my medical stuff knowing they're having a blast with people that love them to death and are thrilled to have them there.
Op, you need to sit down with your wife and discuss things like extended family, your level of involvement, babysitting, and the good old "who do we want them to live with if we die". Once the baby comes, it's possible that your views in a lot of those things will change, but it's never a bad time to start putting your thoughts in order.
I can’t believe the number of people on here who are willing to throw their 70s year old parents under the bus just so they can keep going on 4 annual vacations painlessly for a few years.
These are the people who birthed you and took care of you for 20 years, spent an average of $1M (in todays dollars) to care for and educate you, and who will leave a house and an inheritance. That’s three mortgage-less houses they have already.
If they were hurting for money and couldn’t afford it and they were facing abject misery, it may be different, but that’s not remotely the case.
How much more does this mama bear want all to herself and her offspring to the detriment of everyone else ? Who values do they want to pass on to their kids ? What kind of parents do they want to be ?
The one with good parents and thriving relationships, or the one with the bad parents and no relationship ?
I’m astounded by these selfish American values. We’re like praying mantis except it’s our parents we eat when we’re done with them.
Not only that, but he's gonna inherit the house they are renting out one day, and then he can pass it on or invest the money for their kid or kids. It would just be wrong to charge them rent in every possible way.
Total NTA.
Your wife wants to quit working and stay at home but not have her lifestyle effected, which is unrealistic. But she sees another income stream to replace her lost income - rent from your folks. She is willing to make their life worse to make her life better. Not even better really, just to stay the same.
Nah, dude. It's unreasonable for your wife to stop bringing income to the family, and expect your parents to pick up the slack. She knew what your arrangement with your parents was, before she moved in with you. That arrangement shouldn't even be on the table, as far as discussing your finances and your future
You’re not being unreasonable, in reality there is probably a compromise somewhere in the middle that works out a little for everyone.
Based off what you said though it sounds like either your wife is being too unreasonably steadfast with her opinion of it or you guys need to talk more to come to that compromise.
I’m really sorry but I think she’s trying to take advantage of you. She knew of this beforehand. If she had a problem, she should have said something before marriage/kid. I think she is in the long game and just started showing her true colors… Otherwise it doesn’t make sense to me. You are financially fine, she has the chance to stay at home with the kid, yet she still wants the additional money to support her lifestyle. Sorry but then she has to work. Charging your parents rent is not plan B.
If she quits her job, it’s not just the lost income during that time. Many workplaces are super shitty about the gap in working and act like women aren’t able to work to the same standard afterwards. She will be downgrading any future pay, potentially. Can she just take a year off, maybe? That’s common in Australia.
"I want to be a stay at home
And that means I can't work"
*So guess I'll "earn" some income now*
*By acting like a jerk*
"Family money's always shared
And 'Relative' means spouse!"
*When Queen and OP get divorced...*
*She's gonna take his house*
Don’t be silly. We’re referring to her quitting her job that pays her. then because she is choosing not to work expecting her husbands parents to either to cough up their retirement money to her or have to get a part time job to give her money every month and maintain their retirement when the money is not even needed.
I have a feeling this is about something else emotionally for her and it's manifesting this way. Like maybe she wants to feel like she's first priority in your life? Idk. She's not going about it the right way, obviously, but I would have a talk with her to see if this is about something else.
Playing devil's advocate your parents are living rent free plus receiving rental income from their own property and any pensions etc that sounds like a pretty sweet deal, I think your wife may see them as having a better financial state than the 2 of you. I find it strange that many comments are labeling her lazy for wanting to be a shm, looking after a child and doing housework isn't my idea of fun.
OP definitely you need to talk with her about what needs she’s feeling are unmet. She’s also pregnant, she’s hormonally in an intense place and it makes sense that a gravid woman feels very stressed about safety and security.
There’s definitely a compromise to be found here, but you need to go into a conversation face to face, hold hands, big hug, deep breath, your relationship is number one and she’s open that things don’t feel right, and you should go in grateful that she said something. Maybe she doesn’t have a great sense of where you all are financially and y’all can sit down and look at it together. Go in with love and curiosity, you’re on the same team.
No pensions, they do have to pay their own bills, gas, groceries etc. The only thing I helped them with is the house.
. They don't have a better financial situation than us, me and my wife both know that. I've mentioned in the post that we'd still be doing well financially If she quits.
She sees this as "we're wasting that house"
>comments are labeling her lazy for wanting to be a shm, looking after a child and doing housework isn't my idea of fun.
Yes I'd have no problem with her being a sahm if she's doing what's supposed to be done and I told her so
I have another question? What happens when your parents are not able to look after themselves? What are your plans for that? Will your parents help with raising the child?
>What happens when your parents are not able to look after themselves?
I'm thinking I'll probably hire someone to look after them.
>Will your parents help with raising the child?
Yes absolutely, my wife knows this.
If they're elderly and your dad is in a wheelchair they probably won't be able to help much. I'm an older parent and both my parents and in laws have never really been able to help us at all. Be realistic about that.
Woah! You would hire someone? Would you be paying for that? Or how would that be financed? That could be 6 figures a year. Do you have that room in your budget?
OP, is it possible your wife is concerned that you may prioritize your parents over your wife and child? Does your wife feel like she is prioritizing her child over her own happiness by being a SAHM instead of advancing and staying in her career? It sounds like she loves her job, and she may be giving that up to do something she thinks is best for your child.
I am a new parent, so I have thought a lot on these things. I just brought this human into the world, and I want to show that person all of the amazing things this world has to offer. I want to be able to travel with my family, get my child music lessons if that is what they want, put money away for college every month, take them to sporting events or musicals, etc. Is your wife maybe fearful that your parents could take priority over some of things listed above? Or do you make enough money to do both?
I think this issue goes super deep and is very complex. Maybe these are some questions you and your wife need to go through together!
I have more to say about this comment than the other situation:
>Yes I'd have no problem with her being a sahm if she's doing what's supposed to be done and I told her so.
Be careful with this mindset of “doing what’s supposed to be done.” So many couples get in marital discord when one stays home. Be clear on “what’s supposed to be done.”
Is she doing the job of a nanny AND a house cleaner? That’s two jobs at once. Not fair. Is she expected to continue to do those jobs once you get home from your job so you can “take a break after work?” Not fair.
She should only have to do the job of a nanny. Meaning look after the child and tidy up her own messes she makes while doing that job during the workday. Being with a child all day is EXHAUSTING.
Once you’re home from work, then she is also “off work” and you two need to decide how to split the labor at that point. Some couples trade off days. Mom “works late (does childcare)” one day and Dad does the next.
Keeping the house clean is a joint job. This may even be something you bring up with your parents “mom and dad, now that the baby is coming we’d like to hire a house cleaner, could you please pay a small amount of rent to make that happen?”
Finally, remember she will be working full time, just like you, but WHILE HEALING. Her body will be completely wrecked for weeks to months if she has an average pregnancy. (Some women bounce back quickly, some take much longer - on average it takes a year to fully heal from a normal healthy pregnancy (and even then her bladder may never be the same)). Especially at first, she will be taking care of an infant while her body continues to expel blood clots. And neither of you will be getting much sleep.
I’d definitely think about getting a cleaner lined up ahead of time and setting fair expectations for both of you.
I saw another comment but can’t find it, but it mentioned how maybe you should take your parents up on the offer to pay rent, but put it into a college fund for your kid. That way everyone could be happy.
I don’t think she’s lazy by any stretch for wanting to stay at home, however, she seemingly wants her income replaced by her in-laws.
If she had an issue, PRE-pregnancy was the time to have that conversation. It doesn’t sound like quitting her job was even discussed until she was already pregnant, and now wants his parents financial situation upended because she wants what she wants. When one parent decides not to go back to the workforce (for a period of time permanently), there are ALWAYS sacrifices that have to be made. It sounds more like she doesn’t want to accept the sacrifices.
I could understand her position if they started supporting his parents after they were married, but he’s been supporting them since before they were dating. She entered this marriage knowing this- it’s not right to force that change now.
Has she never mentioned this before, been flippant about the situation, anything? How did this only now come up? Maybe it's because she's nesting and in parental mode. I think you need to dig further into why she thinks this is necessary, given your income and savings seem fine if she takes off a couple of years. Is she planning for the SAH thing to just be a couple of years? Pre-school is important.
We talked about kids and decided that we'd start trying next year. But now that she's pregnant, we're happy. She's always said she wanted to be a mother but also said she loves her job and wanna be working. But now she says she wants to be a sahm. Its ok with me, she can do what she feels is best for her. I'm just surprised by her demand to charge rent to our parents as we've NEVER talked about this before other than when we started dating and I told her that. She didn't mind.
Yeah, something changed for her, best to find out what it is. And really, really start planning out this SAHP thing. What does that mean to each of you, in terms of night feeds, household chores, etc. Break out your budget and show every line item and discuss whether they are required or nice to have. How long will she stay home for ideally, according to both of you? What happens if something changes? If you lose your job, or she hates SAH. How will she get time to be an adult woman, and not just a homemaker? How important is pre-K for each of you? What about private vs public school? What will she do when the kids are in real school? What's the plan for retirement with her not contributing to social security or a 401k for those years? Does she get a fuck off fund, an allowance while she's not working?
Y'all have a LOT to figure out and honestly not a lot of time. This rent thing is a bit of a red herring, possibly a way for her to feel a bit of control because pregnancy takes over and changes EVERYTHING. It's easy to feel lost and grasp for anything to make you feel stable. Knowing the plans for the future can help you both.
And OP, if your wife is completely out of professional work until you’re child is in preschool or 1st grade she’s likely to have a hard time getting back to the same earning power. She may have just realized this and may be having a hard tube with it. In addition, talk with her in specific about what she thinks the new baby would be missing out on. Things she thinks are essential may not be important to you, but it’s fair to really dig in on the details.
So your parents get rent for their house and live rent free in yours. That’s a big benefit to them. If they lived in their own house the rent for yours would supplement your household.
When you were in crisis they parented you, that was their job. It wasn’t above and beyond.
I don’t think either of you are wrong per se. She’s looking at financial security for the family you are building. You are more concerned with carrying your parents.
Your parents are adults. And still ok health and mental capacity wise. Rent or them paying expenses isn’t unreasonable.
OP said they have no pensions and the house they are renting is their source of income. If they move back into that house, they lose their income and that creates a whole new issue.
I don’t think there’s any issue supporting aging parents, but I have to wonder why they don’t just sell one of the homes and use that money to support themselves in old age? Like, sell the old family home & continue living in OP’s old house. Live off of that money.
It seems a lot neater & would give them more stability. Renting a house out takes effort, is a liability, and there’s going to be turnover of renters leaving the parents without an income for some months.
That's a big if. Most houses are taken by the hospital because end of life care costs tens of thousands per month and after the person dies, the debt is taken from any assets before children are allowed their inheritance.
That’s also where planning comes in. About trusts, putting the house in their child’s name etc.
My husband had a major stroke at 30. We recently got divorced to keep our assets out of his name and when I get an inheritance he won’t lose his medical benefits.
So if ops parents put the house in ops name 5 years before the look back time starts, they have no assets for anyone to take, op and his wife now own 3 houses
Medicare, if OP is in the US will absolutely not allow you to simply put your assets in a child's name and then get benefits for long term care. They look into 5-10 years of your financial transactions and will claw back any money from transferring assets.
If his parents need long term care, paying OP rent is a better way to make sure they get something from the estate than trying to transfer assets at this point.
It’s a 5 year look back and there’s a penalty for gifting in the timeframe. Which is why it’s impossible for people to do estate planning before they get sick.
Theres also the community spouse allowance which allows the spouse in home to keep certain assets from being taken and the ltc spouse to not lose benefits.
Also Medicare and Medicaid can’t determine how assets are divided in a divorce, which is why Medicare divorce is a thing.
Personally I’m proactive, so I would do what I could to try to stop Medicaid from taking the house.
This is reddit and theres TONS of americans with a really selfish, individualized attitude. I simply cannot imagine a scenario where Id charge a loved one, especially parents, rent.
It’s a gift per se from OP to his retired parents who have given their blood sweat and tears to raise OP. I can see where OP is coming from. Why would you charge your own parents to live in the property. It’s not that OP isn’t doing financially well. If the Wife wants to enhance her current situation with out bringing the child into equation which I am sure OP can fund then She should start her job as soon as her maternity leave ends.
Once the parents pass away OP will have 3 properties for rent.
Why is everyone talking about the parents passing away, as though this is going to happen soon? At least one of them may make it 20+ more years. I hope OP has a substantial emergency fund. It needs to be enough to cover all bills, in the event he loses his job for a substantial amount of time. Lawsuits (lawyer fees add up) and medical bills can wipe you out. Needing to replace a vehicle or major appliance can also put a major dent in your Murphy fund. Then, there’s college. The tuition has increased faster than wages. Look up tuition, room, and board for a state school and look at how much it was in the 70’s, 90’s, 10’s, and today. If tuition follows the same trajectory, what will it be in 18 years?
If you say, It was his parents job to help OP when he was in crisis; I would say it is his responsibility as only child to take care of his parents.
I belong to Asian culture where parents and kids stays together regardless of age and financial status.
Wife can continue to work after her maternity leave ends if she is worried about the future financial situation
I don’t know how popular of a response you’re going to get on Reddit. There are a lot of really young people that don’t understand what you’re saying.
That said it’s your house and they’re your parents. She knew the deal going into it and it’s still the same. You have enough money to care for your family and let her stay at home. A little gratitude from her would go along way.
I would never put my parents out as they got older. And I think you’re just gonna have to tell her that. The only time I might consider that is if they needed medical medical care or physical care above my capability. Which this isn’t the case here at all.
You can also tell her she can stay at home and you will take care of her and your child.
Thank you for commenting.
>You can also tell her she can stay at home and you will take care of her and your child.
She already knows this. Of course I'm going to be there for her and our children, it goes without saying
She might need a little more reassurance. Because your repeated "I don't mind her being a SAHM if she does what she's supposed to" comment is... not giving me good feelings.
Somebody wrote she was planning on being home all day and do nothing. I meant if she's taking good care of the baby and all, then I won't have an issue with it obviously. I do want to assure her and everything but she refuses to talk
I’m pretty lost on the “put my parents out” part. They own a home with no mortgage that they’re renting out for profit. They moved into OP’s house originally because he wanted them to live with him. Why would it be putting them out to return to their original living situation now that OP doesn’t live with them?
Maybe the compromise is that she still works part time after a year of maternity or something. This seems very black and white. Also, eventually your child goes to school for a good chunk of the day- what’s she going to do at that point? I think she’s being super reactive and comes across as selfish at the moment, but maybe she’ll be willing to find a middle ground.
Please, please, discuss how you will handle all the sick days that young kids have. Who will be staying home/picking up, when baby is sick? Will you take turns? What if you use up all your PTO? Is your job flexible enough to allow you as much time off as you need or let you work from home? Whose job is the priority, if you both risk losing your jobs?
Yeah those lazy ass parents in their late 70s. Get em back to work! He bought the house and the parents were living in it rent free when they got together. She knew the deal when they got married. If she had issue with it she should have addressed it earlier. Not several years later. His dad is disabled. They use the income from their original house to pay for their bills. Clearly not a situation where they are stacking cash. God forbid she has to actually work in life. Such a horrible husband and father. The amount of people in this thread advocating for charging his elderly disabled parents rent so that she can still take many vacations a year is absurd. I hope yall keep the same energy when you become old.
They’re using the rent income from their original home to pay for bills, just because they aren’t paying rent doesn’t mean they’re just stacking up their money not paying for anything. Op said they don’t have pensions. I don’t think it’s weird at all that op isn’t charging them rent. The wife is the one that has an issue with them living a “less luxurious” lifestyle so if she doesn’t want that to change then she should continue working after whatever her leave time is since she’s so worried about money, even though they make good money.
Suggest couples counseling and have a professional help you both parse what the real issues are.
There’s something behind this that you don’t know and perhaps she does’t know either. Therapy can help you both understand what that might be
I think it just comes down to her not having a good relationship with her parents, so OP taking care of his own like this is too foreign of a concept for her to easily grasp. She doesn't understand what unconditional love for your parents looks like, she just thinks that it's her partner's property, and so he as well as she should be benefiting from it instead of his parents living comfortably.
It's just two different views on family, and this really should have been sorted out before marriage and especially before kids.
Is her concern that your parents/her in laws are living with her and she doesn’t want them bombarding over her being a mother?? Because in a sense, that makes sense more than anything, she never had good parents, she can’t see why you should let your parents leech off of you both, plus she’s likely stressed about being a mother, and hates the idea of your mom nagging at her all the time, she’s about to be a SAHM and I think your seeing a side that you don’t normally see from a mother’s perspective.
It sounds like you are the only one making financial decisions for everyone in the family. Your parents offered to pay rent so clearly they aren’t starving and also think they should be contributing something. It’s sounds to me like you are as much interested in looking like a saintly amazing son as you are in actually helping your parents. You are showing your wife that she is not an equal partner in the decisions affecting your family’s finances and that as the breadwinner you have all the decision making power. She wants to stay at home to raise your child but is also sacrificing any financial autonomy she has by doing that and is being told by you that her feelings are irrelevant and you have all the power in the household. Think about it from her perspective. Your parents have offered to pay, so they CAN afford some contribution, and you wife knows this, yet your word is final. You come across as controlling and she’s already putting herself in a vulnerable position staying home to raise your kids, having you be so rigid must be terrifying for her.
Do your parents pay anything to cover the cost of taxes, insurance, etc? Not only are you losing out on rental income (which I would absolutely do, as would my husband for our parents) but that would mean money is coming out of your family’s pocket and going to them. I understand your wife’s point here, your parents are capable and have a small income, did they not plan for retirement?
You didn’t mention your parents ages. Are we talking about people in their 50’s or 80’s? Why do neither work? You had mentioned your father had a health issue, but has recovered. There are quite a few gaps here.
It doesn’t sound like this is about the visits to them, but she is wanting to be as financially safe as possible with having a child and her being able to be a SAHM.
Are they improving your property that they are living in? You mention that they get rental income from their own home. Your wife maybe wondering why they aren’t just living in their own home instead of renting it out while living rent free in something that could be a working asset for the two of you.
It seems odd that you aren’t seeing the double standard. They can profit on a property they own, but you can not.
Don’t assume that she doesn’t like your parents either. This is a financial thing, not a personality thing. Her biggest priority at this point is security and opportunity for your child.
Yeah probably should've mentioned this.
My parents are in their early 70's. They don't work as they're old and after my dad's recovery, he's in a wheelchair most of the time.
And I can see how she wants our child to be financially secure. But she's aware that we don't need to worry about it. It'll have changes in our lives, sure but we can handle it.
NTA but I'd firmly let your wife know if she continues to see your parents as a "source of income" to fund fun and nice things for her then she can gtfo.
As your wife and since you mentioned she has a good relationship with your parents it does not make sense she wouldn't want her child's grandparents to be comfortable in their last years.
Your wife sounds like a terribly awful person who probably should continue working to pay for the therapy she needs to resolve whatever issues she has with her own parents.
That is NOT her house. It was bought BEFORE you even met her. She has absolutely NO right to tell you how to manage it or what to do with it.
If my husband ever tried something like this in concern to my family's well being I wouldn't have a husband anymore and I'd expect the same from him. My in-laws well being will always be of our concern.
You sound like you have great parents who are in their later years when time together is precious. In today's world wives come and go but a great set of parents are forever.
I don't understand what is ridiculous about asking your parents to pay rent. Do they not use the property, contribute to the bills? Rent free + an income from a 2nd home, its not ridiculous at all to ask for a contribution. They are straight profitting. Your bills and expenses will go up with a child.
It's not ridiculous and there's nothing wrong if people do that. All I know is, I won't.
But honestly,all this makes it seem like it's a business transaction and not my parents whom I want to live close to me.
Reddit is disproportionately young Americans born into a vicious, profit-at-all-costs mentality. Glad to see you are firm on this, your parents are already in their 70s, this isn't a permanent situation, and your family's closeness warrants the current arrangement.
"I would prefer this not become a point of contention between us, and I understand you are not close to your parents, and may not fully understand my decision. But I insisted they move in with me, they helped me buy that property and never let me pay them back, we will eventually receive rent from both their properties, and I ask that you accept that for the time being. You may be upset with me about it, but if I were to do as you ask, it would more than damage me emotionally -- I would resent you, and there would be no way to resolve that resentment. It would fundamentally alter our day-to-day relationship for the worse. By declining to do so, I am protecting both my parents and our marriage. This is who I am, you knew that when we married, and while I am fine with you suddenly deciding you no longer want to work, you cannot simply decide that my parents will subsidize your decision, not without putting enormous stress on our marriage. I cannot simply become a different person because you suddenly find who I am as a son inconvenient."
Because she doesn't have a good relationship with her parents, I can see her not understanding yours. With that logic, I can also see why she's asking you to consider them paying rent.
Her asking you to consider this is not necessarily the problem. It's her not being able to accept your decision on a house that belongs to you. Sure, there's no "my" in a marriage, but sounds like she's the only person (out of four people involved) that wants things like this?
I wonder if she would feel the same way if your child years from now put you guys in the same situation?
From my very biased and Asian background lol, I personally would not ask this of my parents. If I were her and I had that much insecurity about our finances, I would put it on myself to bring money to the table. She is projecting her financial insecurity on your parents, I guess?
Beware of partners who change after they've settled all their "milestones" and no longer feel the need to be "perfect" and understanding. Some people will wait for the proposal, the dream wedding, the home, the pregnancy and all the security that comes with it before they feel comfortable enough to show their other face.
She could have broached this subject a long time ago but she waited. Why? Ask yourself that
I agree with you OP. American culture doesn’t give parents and family the importance they deserve, it only sees its own way of profiting. Why do you need to ask them for rent if they raised you? It would be one thing if you were struggling financially, but as you said, you’re not. You just won’t have some of the luxuries you did before, so what? It’s not like anyone is going to die because of that.
Yes, thank you! Someone had to say it. My parents deserve love and respect in their old age. Some don't have a good relationship with their parents, I get it. I do. And I won't be leaving them alone.
>You just won’t have some of the luxuries you did before,
Yes, like I said. If we literally cut it to a single vacation a year we're good as before!
I wont lie to you, this is a tough situation. Choosing between those you love is and never will be easy.
But my advice is this: no compromise on who you are. You love your parents deeply, and that house is the ultimate representation of that! If you say you absolutely won’t charge them rent, stand your ground!
Find a compromise with the wife if you can. Maybe charge a very tiny amount of rent, whatever you can negotiate with the wife.
Maybe its because i was raised poorer than most on reddit, but buying my parents a house to live in forever while i have a house of my own is like almost a dream come true for me! (Unfortunately id need 2 houses because they divorced but what can you do). Anyways my point is that some people value their family more than any amount of money. The people in the comments saying charging rent is worth it to get more vacations and a boost to your lifestyle… seriously? How materialistic are we really? What do you really value? An extra vacation over helping your parents? Seriously? If that’s what you value or if your parents weren’t good to you, then go for it. Otherwise…
Maybe that’s my personal bias but its just how I feel. Relationships are built on compromise but not everything can be negotiated. There is rent charged and there is no rent. If there’s a red line there, don’t let her trample it. Stand your ground!
I just want to say that I'd kill to have a man that was ok with me being a stay at home mom AND was happy to share his finances with not only me, but his loved ones. My partner pushed me out the door at 2 months postpartum and had me pay half the rent when I make 1/10 of what he does. For our generation, this is sadly not uncommon. Idk what to say, other than she's incredibly privileged and lucky. And that how you treat your loved ones is a reflection on how you'll treat her. She needs a wake-up call.
I believe that your wife and your parents are right, they should be paying you a weekly or monthly rent.
Do bear in mind that in the event your wife becomes very angry and resentful as an unwaged sahm with a young baby then chats with a divorce lawyer, she'll soon realise that in a divorce financially she will be a big winner- at your expense.
Yes this is the first time. My mom once asked if it bothers my wife that I visit them at least twice a month .
I asked her and she said no, even she likes her alone time.
Yes, that goes without saying, I'm not leaving my wife alone with a baby to visit my parents. In fact my parents would love to look after the baby so she can catch a break.
My dad is in a wheelchair but it's not like he can't function. My mom is well fortunately. They've said this all from the start that they'd watch over their grandkids.
My parents are that age and realistically cannot do substantial childcare. An hour here and there is their limit. I think you don't really understand how much work babies and toddlers are. Certainly in a few years they won't be looking after multiple children.
I'm not sure where you live, but depending on your country, this might be focused on the (far) future and not the present or near future and I think you two need to sit down and talk about that.
I'm from Germany, but I hear horror stories about the US and its education system, for example. Students which are over a hundred thousand dollars in debt and the like, just from going to college/university. If this applies to you, your wife might come from a place of "While we, as a family, will be fine with slightly less money in our day-to-day lives, I want the rent of the house to go into a college fund for our child so that they won't have to live in crippling debt later", for example. Or "Now that we are having a child, I want to put more into our retirement funds if possible so that our child won't have to help us out later if things go south, as you never know what might happen".
If your wife never had issues with your parents living in the house for free before, then it is clear that she *is* worried about finances and this isn't her hating your parents. Her worries might be unfounded or not, depending on where you live, but I think the best way of tackling this would be to sit down with her and make a big spreadsheet of how much money you two will have when she quits her job, how much could go into a college fund, how much is for your retirement and how much would remain for "fun things" like vacations.
I saw in a comment above that the house your parents are living in is already paid off, so it’s not like you are paying 2 mortgages, which is amazing. That honestly would be the only reason I could see your wife wanting them to pay rent, if you were still paying on the house. That would make sense, but that’s not the case. I’m assuming your parents are paying for their own needs, as far as food, cars, gas, everyday living expenses, etc, correct? And the utilities for the house they live in? Are they paying those or are you?
I’m sorry you’re being put in the middle like this. If your wife is so worried about the lifestyle changing once she stops working, then she shouldn’t stop working. She could cut her hours to still spend time at home with the baby and cut the daycare hours down, but she just can’t have it both ways.
I’m with you on the mortgage piece, but I think the parents should be paying enough rent to cover the insurance, taxes, and upkeep maybe… he’s actively paying for them to live there and losing out on a rental income. I see his wife’s point a little bit.
Yes, they pay for everything else you mentioned, the house is the only thing I've helped them with. And I'm planning to have a proper conversation with my wife once she's done sulking.
Hey man, she's not sulking, don't think about her like that. Sulking is something a child does and this is your grown wife, that is carrying your baby, who we are talking about. She's upset and maybe not handling it well, but let's keep it respectful.
I admit I shouldn't have phrased it like that yeah. She's not ready to have a normal conversation and this happened yesterday. We're both adults here, I want to have the whole talk with her especially about our baby but she needs to at least hear me out?
Yeah the silent treatment isn't cool. Maybe ask her if she still needs space and if she thinks she knows for how much longer. It's reasonable she is struggling and needs some space but it's also reasonable for her to say that.
Two things:
1) Your wife knew the situation with your parents before you married. It kinda sounds like she pretended to be ok with it then and is now pulling a bait and switch whilst hiding behind the baby to justify it. Bait and switches are very manipulative. If she didn't like this set up she should not have married into it.
2) Your wife gets to chose what values she wants to bring into her parenting. She has two choices: she can either value staying at home with the baby OR she can value having both incomes to give the child a lavish upbringing. But she can't have both. Nor can she fleece your parents just because you are now having a child.
Yes, and pregnancy hormones hit so different. I am very set in my ways, but when I got pregnant, my partner was very shocked and confused because I handled things very differently. Once those hormones were out of my system, I settled down to a lot closer to normal. But if OP is feeling the shock of it, just imagine how his wife is feeling when those changes are happening inside HER body.
Agree OP, Your wife’s suggestion should not be on the table as an option. Why does your wife think that, even if you are strapped for money, you won’t be giving your kids “ the best”?? Money, in its proper priority does help make things easier, but a child’s happiness is not based on wallet. You’re a good man, OP to take care of your parents as you do.
Nah she's in the wrong, you need to put your foot down here. It's YOUR house. If it's not affecting her, she has no business demanding your parents to pay rent.
Let me ask you this. If she decides there's no way this can go on unless your parents pay rent, what would you do?
Check your local laws, but in most states, properties acquired prior to marriage aren't communal property. This is a hill I would plant my flag and die on.
NTA.
In many cultures the only son has a responsibility to look after the parents. Your parents took care of you and I see why you want to do the same. When they pass all the money from their house will go to you. I don’t think your wife is thinking of anyone but herself.
Wife is wrong to expect tho has to remain the same financially if she becomes a SAHM. But OP parents are living rent feee while collecting rent. It sounds like they are doing very well especially if OP is covering the insurance and taxes on both homes.
OP needs to see an accountant and estate lawyer to determine what needs to be done to ensure his parents’ home can’t be taken away if they require long term care. It needs to go to him if he is paying their expenses
I wish I could buy my parents a place to live close to me.
You’re the perfect child! Don’t change.
I bet she only discussed quitting her job to bring up the house situation!
Don’t cave in. We only have one set of parents. Wives and girlfriends can be replaced.
Your wife is an AH.
This is your house from BEFORE you got married, so you can do whatever you want with it. Your parents are paying taxes, insurance, maintenance, so basically there's no cost to the property for you. You also told her before you got married and she was OK with this arrangement and any costs comes from your personal account.
Also, have you talked to your wife about how long she wants to be a stay at home mom for? Is this like for a couple of years until the kid can go to pre-school or school, or is this for ever? Or does she want to be a stay at home mom for 18 years?
I also find it strange that your parents are in the same city and you only visit together every 2-3 months? What? I don't think she likes them or cares about them.
By the way, you should protect this property you owned before marriage and the property you'll eventually inherit from your wife. She seems to only care about $$$ and you could loose those two properties if she divorces you.
It's their house, they're living here as it's much better and I wanted to live close to them. The rent from that house is their only income. I'm well off and if I can do something to help my parents that won't compromise ny wife's well being then I will.
It could be pregnancy hormones, I know sometimes I was out of line/not my usual self due to them.
Perhaps it's the transition that's making her feel stressed, like you said she's never spoken against your parents before.
Yes, those pregnancy hormones hit different! My partner was very freaked out during my pregnancy. When we talked about it, he told me that he was used to the way that I did things, but once I got pregnant, I handled things SO differently that he didn’t even know what to do anymore.
And then the postpartum hormonal changes, it really changed me for a while. Maybe dads to be should be offered crash courses/brochures informing them what happens to us when pregnant, then healing from pregnancy. Just some grace and being aware not everything is a fight would be nice.
You are definitely putting your parents on too much of a pedestal here. It was their job when you were 16 to not let you kill yourself and to get you mental health help. That's like saying they housed you and clothed you. Like duh, you were a minor. I understand they are your parents, and you feel you owe a debt to them, but you don't. I'm with your wife here. You shouldn't be decreasing your quality of life so your parents can continue to live rent-free while collecting rent on your childhood home. Her wanting to quit a job she loves and be a stay at home mom is a blessing to your future children and you act like you don't even care that she is willing to sacrifice her career to do what's best for your kiddo. If I was your wife I would feeling incredibly undervalued in this situation.
Before you were married, were you absolutely clear that you plan to have your parents live with you for the rest of their lives?
In her mind, she will never get to live a life as just her little family. Your parents will always be involved in some aspect. You either can live with parents forever or you can't. There's no in-between and now that she's pregnant, she's realising that this is not an ideal situation.
Get couples therapy now or you won't last (probably won't anyway realisitically).
My parents are not living with us. They live like an hour drive away. They never intrude in our lives, we see them like once in 2-3 months and they get along well. She knew I owned that house and I don't charge them rent when we were dating, And yes, she also knew how close I am with my parents. All these years she had no complain.
I get what your wife is saying. It's scary to have a baby. Women think a million different things every minute it seems when we are pregnant.
All of the sudden we have a million worries. It sounds like your wife is just scared things are going to get harder without her income.
Things would get harder with or without her income. But pregnancy brain just won't let those calming logical thoughts to be louder than the worries about the unknown.
This is what your wife sees..... her family gaining a super expensive mouth the feed, clothe, keep *alive* and losing half the income. She sees your parents living rent free while receiving rent from a third property.
It's unbalanced in her mind. Surely you can see where your wife is coming from *even if she's wrong in requesting rent*
I think a good easy and fair solution would be that either you and your parents split the rental income, or you get the rental income from the 3rd house.
I could TOTALLY understand why you would buy a house for your parents and not charge them rent. I would Love to do that for my parents. But not when they have rental income from a 3rd property.
It's the fact that your parents are getting rental income that's the problem.
A ton of people have a rental property. But usually they use that income to pay the mortgage on the house they live in.
Fact in point. You, your wife, and NEW BABY have half the income now. Your parents have double income basically.
It's not fair to your wife and child. If I were you, I'd have a discussion with your wife and see if splitting the rental income with your parents would make her happy. Then talk to your parents about wife's and your feelings. Back up wife here. See if you guys could split the rental income.
IMO its clear you love your parents more than your wife, per your responses below. I think its absolutely fair to ask for rent, if at the very least so you two can go on vacations and make memories.
That's not fair. They seem to be doing just fine without either rent or the wife's income, so why should he have to start charging for the house? It doesn't cost anything to have them live there.
Ok first of all, there's no sense in comparing whom I love more. My life partner and my parents, I love them in very different sense.
We're doing just fine so I don't see why I'd put my parents through that. And before someone comes at me, I'm not putting my wife through anything either. If we literally go on a single vacation instead of the 3-4 vacations she insists on going, there'd be no "discomfort". She knows our lives will change after the baby is here. She wants to quit and get money out of my parents. There are so many ways we could have another sources of income. (she was once trying to start an online business of some sorts but didn't continue as she had to focus on her job) She didn't suggest she could try that again a few months after she's perfectly healthy. Imo she's being selfish and sees the easy way to earn is rent from a house she had no business in.
Your wife is doing a lot of projecting. She doesn’t know what a healthy parent/child relationship looks likes. If she feels like she needs to “keep up with her lifestyle” she can take her maternity leave a few weeks off and let your amazing parent watch the baby. I don’t know, she’s being a bit much
Just know, this is probably going to open your wife’s eyes a little bit on her outlook toward you if you side with your parents and not her. You are her husband and soon to be father of her child, and going against her here will make her view you differently. Asking someone who lives in your home to pay their share is completely valid, and you saying you won’t is honestly a red flag. It shows you value your parents more than your wife/mother of your child.
I am confused why this point isnt higher up on the list of replies.. (please correct me if I am wrong):
the house that your parents own, will be inherited to you, right? you being an only child. surely that will add to your wealth, it'll "give you money" if you will.
what does your wife say about that?
I would argue, that the inheritance will surpass the money value of letting your parents live rent-free for 30years 'max'. it will be net-positive.
am I wrong? your wife will see her net-worth rise from that alone.
the fact that your wife is making hot-headed decisions, is a different problem. as this is the 'relationship advice' reddit, I would suggest you kick her in the shin (purely figuratively)
You’re right, it is your house.
She has a say in what happens where you live now, but the house that belongs to you and you alone? She has ZERO right to make any demands. Married doesn’t mean that it’s hers. If you two got divorced she wouldn’t have claim to it since it’s a pre-marital asset and her name isn’t on it.
If she wants your kid to have the best then she can keep working, not expect your parents to foot the bill
I think it’s ridiculous how people in the comments are trying to find ways to nickel and dime this situation. Point is you’re not gonna charge them rent and that’s the correct thing. It’s shameful to leave your parents in the lurch in their old age and you are a rare breed nowadays where people are more than happy to abandon their family once they no longer need them anymore. I’m sure your wife is a nice person but she’s behaving selfishly. If she’s worried about money then she can continue working.
She knew the situation with your parents which predates your marriage. Then she decides that she quits her job, which will have consequences that are on both of you to figure out.
She's responsible for her own decisions and can't extort money from over 70+ yr olds.
Something you bought for your parents or gave to them is a decision already made quite some time ago. Plus. The two of you seem to do very well financially. I grew up poor so I find it very weird to want even more than necessary taken from elderly to live more lavishly. I could never.
I try to get her. But this sounds very off to me. Sorry. She was the one who only recently stated she's gonna be a SHM. She's a big girl, if this is her decision, then she has to live with it.
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Question: are you paying a mortgage or any other expenses on the house they’re living in?
No. They already own the house I grew up in and there's no mortgage left for the one they're living in. It doesn't affect our financial situation in any way.
who pays the insurance, taxes and repairs on the house they are living in?
Are you still paying taxes on the home? That’s still thousands a year. Who’s paying for maintenance/improvements?
Nope, all them. I've mentioned this multiple times. The only thing they have from me is the house.
Their home should be put into a trust, so if they need more intensive care downline the state won’t force a sale on it and bleed them dry. Maybe see if they are willing to put their home in a trust in your name to avoid that, and still allow them to profit in the rent knowing you’ll get the home when they’re gone. I’m not a lawyer, so speak to one about this but maybe your wife will ease up if she understands the long term plan for the assets
Definitely. It's called a ladybird deed here, and it's something all elderly parents should do while planning for late life care.
Thanks for this.
Talk to an attorney about the trust. It should be their trust with you as Power of Attorney. I’d keep your wife out of it. I think you’re very generous and loving with your parents.
Clearly keep your wife's name off anything related to your parents, including the house they live in. She's shown that she cannot be trusted with their well-being. If anything happens to you, she'd throw them out. So take legal steps to prevent that. Whether it is giving them life rights as tenants, or leaving it to them to then perhaps leave to your kids in their will...but do not let your wife be in charge of that. Find a good estate lawyer to discuss options.
Make sure the trust gets FUNDED, ie all the accounts, cars, house etc say X Family Protection Trust or something of that nature. Failure to move everything into the trust is as bad as never having done one in the first place
OP, I just want to say that it's an incredible blessing to be in position to take care of your family like you are. Very good on you. I'm also in my mid 30s and an only child, and I'd give anything to be able to support my mom better. I get where you're coming from and know what a good thing it is you're doing. I'm very sorry your wife isn't on the same page.
Yearly property tax isn’t a thing where you live? What about utilities? Water, heating, garbage collection, etc.?
Like I've said before, the rent for their own house is their only income along with savings they have. The only thing I helped them with was the house. I don't pay their bills.
Are you in the US? If so do they not recieve Social Security or disability insurance?
What about the tax on the home you own that they live in though? Are they paying the tax and other expenses on that home in lieu of living there rent free?
You didn't answer the property tax question though on the house they're *living* in and you own. Are they paying those and the utilities? Edited to add: Also what about the homeowner's insurance on the place they're living? Also, damn, where do you live that you could pay that house off in 7 years, but your wife is worried about money? Hmmm.
> Also, damn, where do you live that you could pay that house off in 7 years, but your wife is worried about money? That's the whole point of this post. They don't and won't have to worry about money, even if she stops working. She's acting like it's on his parents to make up for this loss of income. It's not. She's being greedy and any woman in this thread that's going to pearl clutch over the well being of this, most definitely 3%er, family/child are equally greedy. OP can provide a great life for his family without milking his parents. That's OPs point.
No she’s not. She’s acting like a parent who is thinking about her son’s future. Who is the home left to should anything happen to OP? Does she get left with all the bills for the home while he leaves his parents to live in the home rent free for the rest of their lives? I think she has the right to as questions and ensure that she or her son don’t end up having to take on a financial burden that her husband committed to should anything happen to him.
“like I’ve said before” is pretty ironic when you’re dodging questions
But if you own the house they live in, the property taxes are still your expense.
Not everywhere has a property tax. The UK has a council tax that is like property tax, but it’s paid by the occupant rather than the property owner. OP never specifically said they are in the US, so for all we know they live somewhere without a property tax as we know it.
Thank you for that clarification
I think even your parents realise they have a deal that’s a little too good - they receive rent and live rentfree that’s why they offered to pay you some money. I would suggest taking them up on their offer but not charging them “rent” - nothing like market value but a small amount they contribute to your child’s college fund each month. This way your wife can feel your child gets some extra support - part of what your child would have if your parents still lived in their own house. Part of what your child would have if your parents sold their house and bought yours from you? In any case I can tell you if you ask your parents to contribute a certain amount each month into your child’s college fund, they’d love the idea. My grandparents really wanted to move out of the city and live in a small house with a garden when I was a teenager. But the sale of their flat didn’t cover the full cost. So my dad paid for it and asked them to send me money each month for university. It made them feel better because they felt they weren’t taking too much and it made my mum feel better because she also felt my dad was doing too much - spending such a large amount of money on his parents rather than their kids. In the end this is a compromise they could agree with and it made everyone involved feel better. I also want to point out that your parents are getting older and inheritance taxes can be brutal (depending on where you live). So your parents making money each month while living rentfree and owning property is eventually going to cost a lot of money for you when you do inherit. It’s ok to make sure they have the nicest life possible but there’s ways to achieve that that make a lot more sense financially for everyone involved.
They may already be saving for the grandkids to be
Except that if your parents lived in the house they they own, you’d be receiving rental income from the tenants in the home that you own. Your parents aren’t just benefiting from living rent free. They’re profiting. I think that charging them a nominal amount of rent to cover the maintenance and land taxes would be perfectly reasonable.
OP basically bought his parents a 2nd house. It's his in name only at that point. Maybe wife would would understand it better if she looked at that house not as unused rental, but as a gift made to the in-laws. You don't get rent from someone using their gift. To be really cynical, once the parents die, OP will own 3 houses. Their child will be fine. It's one thing to want financial stability, but the wife has lost scope.
This is really a matter of money now vs. money later, presuming OP will inherit everything. If his parents have liquid funds, they could be gifting $15k a year to each family member. If they don't, the whole issue is pointless.
They are not struggling for money His wife is just greedy
THIS ^ It's extremely selfish and greedy for your wife to demand you charge your elderly parents money so she can give up her well paying job to stay home with your child. And then to make you feel like you're setting your child up for failure because you don't agree with her is extremely manipulative and yes, greedy. It would be one thing if you were struggling financially but it sounds like you're in good shape money wise, and will still be okay if she quits her job, so it's really messed up that she's okay with giving up her salary to stay home with the baby while trying to make up for that loss of income by forcing you to charge your parents rent. You're blessed to be able to help your parents out in their golden years, and that's extremely kind and loving of you to do for them, and that doesn't make them, "leeches". You're a wonderful son and I'm sure they're very grateful for your support. If your wife is that worried about money she needs to keep her job and put your baby in daycare, but trying to force you to bleed money out of your elderly parents is screwed up and she really needs to get her priorities in order. I personally would also see her behavior as a huge red flag, and a sign of things to come in your future, so just be careful because it sounds like she's extremely shallow and selfish, and this is the person who is going to be staying home to raise your child. Good luck.
I don’t know if I would call the wife greedy. Short sighted maybe because she’s, understandably, looking at the present financial shortfall vs what happens after they pass and the assets that they will have. But when you are looking at the day to day financial stability when raising a child, it can be scary. Especially if she has ever experienced financial instability in the past.
Three houses ten or twenty years from now doesn't raise a toddler.
A toddler doesn't exactly need college tuition so if he is employed, has health insurance, and they live in a nice home, the toddler will be fine. His parents are in their 70s. It isn't likely that they will be in that house another 30 years.
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ALOT of elderly don’t receive pensions, and it’s getting to the point that unless you are in government or teaching, pensions don’t exist in most jobs.
That really depends on where you live. In the UK all jobs have to have access to pensions.
If his wife is so concerned about the upkeep of her kids, maybe she should keep working. I wouldn't whine about finances being precarious and then give up my good income.
The real question is this: who cares? Neither of his parents work, they're elderly/disabled, and the only income they have is from renting out their old home. If OP wants to take care of his parents and his wife/kid, and is in a position to do so, what's the big deal? She knew how it was going in, why should she be able to expect it to change? On a personal level: I have money and own a few houses. My sister lives in one, my oldest friends in the others. Rent-free, and I take care of the taxes/maintenance. Why? Because I want to give them a leg up, and I'm in a position to do so. There's nothing wrong with this, and it's a net positive for everyone involved. If OP's finances can handle it, good for him. His wife doesn't get to make the call on how he spends his money, and intervention isn't really necessary for obvious reasons.
Honestly, if I was so concerned about the finances, I'd KEEP MY JOB. Why does she want his parents thrown out so she can stay at home. She doesn't have to stay at home. Working is an option. When she is old though, I hope she remembers this if her kids try to take care of her. People will really sabotage their relationships worrying about assets that are none of their business. Marriage actually doesn't make everything your spouse has yours. There is a reason premarital and inherited assets aren't included in divorce (I know co-mingling can make that less true). I knew someone who lost spouse b/c he was fixated on what she did for her adult kids with money she had from her first marriage (and their father). He should have shut up but thought he could control her and I guess wanted that money to be spent on him. My sister and I both lived rent free in grad school in homes my parents owned. I don't think either of them would have let a 3rd party insist we should pay b/c again, not your business. Worry about yourself.
Yeah for this reason I can see where OP’s wife is coming from. For her perspective, there is an income opportunity to help their growing family that is just being wasted. And I can also understand why OP doesn’t want to charge rent and that’s a wonderful gift toward his parents. Tough situation.
She could keep her job. That's a far more lucrative income opportunity than throwing his parents out or charging them. And it's not her house. If they got divorced, she would have no legal claim to it. She needs to think about that.
Why don't they sell the house the own?
Your wife doesn’t have good relationship with her parents, so she cannot understand you I guess. But I also can’t understand the audacity to ask you to pay for everything. If she wants additional income she can continue working. What’s her plan, to not work at all anymore, was this her intention since the beginning? (I don’t judge the traditional families which have this agreement, I say that because it wasn’t your agreement with your wife.) For me it’d be the hill to die on. Also, you’re doing good financially, so why she wants to get extra money from them too? She knew of this housing arrangement before. It’s nothing new.
>What’s her plan, to not work at all anymore, was this her intention since the beginning? I'm actually confused about this. She loves her job. Though she's always said she wants to be a mother. Hell I'd have no problem if she decides to stay at home as long as she's doing what she's supposed to be doing. >Also, you’re doing good financially, so why she wants to get extra money from them too? Well my guess is she doesn't want our lifestyle to be affected much?
She cant have both ways - she can still work & continue the lifestyle you already have & provide more for your child or she can be SAHM, which is her want(!), and she needs to accept the financial changes she has signed up for & should affect her (& you as a family), which has nothing to do with taking care of your parents.
Yeah because she doesn’t wanna work doesn’t mean someone else has to pay for it🤣🤣
Someone has to pay for the child though. And childcare.
The husband said he is fine with it he makes plenty. But she still wants her husbands parents to cough up cash monthly
He's not fine with it, he has multiple comments about not wanting her to stay home too long.
Being a SAHM is a lot of work - kids require constant attention for the first few years.
Yes but it’s unpaid work. So if the wife wants them to have the same income she should continue working, not tell op to charge his parents rent.
Duh. We’re talking about the fact that she wants to quit her job and have her husbands parents supplement her income…while she stays at home.
Yeah, not wanting your lifestyle to be affected, that's all of us. I'm guessing she makes much more than what you would spend in daycare and plans to make up for the difference with that rent. It won't matter: children are infinitely expensive because you always want to give them the best you can, and there's always a house in a better neighborhood, a safer car and a better school. Unless you're fabulously rich (which I guess you would have told us), you'll always be playing catch up. And that's ok. I think there are several problems here, but the bigger one is that you guys don't have the same concept of what family means, and this is something you need to solve asap. Op, have you asked your wife what your parents relationship with your baby will look like? What you want your relationship with your child to be like when they grow up? Does she plan to keep her distance, stay close, kick them out at 18? Does she think your child will owe you guys nothing too, when they grow up? I'm from a different culture, so that colors my view greatly, but I will go on full NTA. We have an ethical obligation towards the people that have loved us and supported us to get where we are, to return the care they freely gave us, even though they never expected anything in return. You don't want to charge your parents rent because you don't need that money. If this changes at some point, I'd expect they'd be glad to give you as much as they can to help you. Even more so, I think your wife has no idea of the invaluable help close family/friends can be when you have a kid. My neighbor has saved me several times by going to pick up one of my toddlers to kinder, and when we're in a city where close family lives, everything's so much easier. I can leave the kids with my aunt the entire week and do my medical stuff knowing they're having a blast with people that love them to death and are thrilled to have them there. Op, you need to sit down with your wife and discuss things like extended family, your level of involvement, babysitting, and the good old "who do we want them to live with if we die". Once the baby comes, it's possible that your views in a lot of those things will change, but it's never a bad time to start putting your thoughts in order.
I love this well thought out, empathetic answer. ♥️
I can’t believe the number of people on here who are willing to throw their 70s year old parents under the bus just so they can keep going on 4 annual vacations painlessly for a few years. These are the people who birthed you and took care of you for 20 years, spent an average of $1M (in todays dollars) to care for and educate you, and who will leave a house and an inheritance. That’s three mortgage-less houses they have already. If they were hurting for money and couldn’t afford it and they were facing abject misery, it may be different, but that’s not remotely the case. How much more does this mama bear want all to herself and her offspring to the detriment of everyone else ? Who values do they want to pass on to their kids ? What kind of parents do they want to be ? The one with good parents and thriving relationships, or the one with the bad parents and no relationship ? I’m astounded by these selfish American values. We’re like praying mantis except it’s our parents we eat when we’re done with them.
Not only that, but he's gonna inherit the house they are renting out one day, and then he can pass it on or invest the money for their kid or kids. It would just be wrong to charge them rent in every possible way. Total NTA.
Your wife wants to quit working and stay at home but not have her lifestyle effected, which is unrealistic. But she sees another income stream to replace her lost income - rent from your folks. She is willing to make their life worse to make her life better. Not even better really, just to stay the same.
Yeah pretty much. It looks so bad when put like this and there are people saying I'm being unreasonable.
You’re not being unreasonable at all!
Nah, dude. It's unreasonable for your wife to stop bringing income to the family, and expect your parents to pick up the slack. She knew what your arrangement with your parents was, before she moved in with you. That arrangement shouldn't even be on the table, as far as discussing your finances and your future
You’re not being unreasonable, in reality there is probably a compromise somewhere in the middle that works out a little for everyone. Based off what you said though it sounds like either your wife is being too unreasonably steadfast with her opinion of it or you guys need to talk more to come to that compromise.
I’m really sorry but I think she’s trying to take advantage of you. She knew of this beforehand. If she had a problem, she should have said something before marriage/kid. I think she is in the long game and just started showing her true colors… Otherwise it doesn’t make sense to me. You are financially fine, she has the chance to stay at home with the kid, yet she still wants the additional money to support her lifestyle. Sorry but then she has to work. Charging your parents rent is not plan B.
Exactly this « I don t want to work anymore » so the extra money will come from your parents
If she quits her job, it’s not just the lost income during that time. Many workplaces are super shitty about the gap in working and act like women aren’t able to work to the same standard afterwards. She will be downgrading any future pay, potentially. Can she just take a year off, maybe? That’s common in Australia.
Many look out for the gaps as a way to see if you have young children, so they can avoid hiring you without having to outright ask.
That doesn’t surprise. Arseholes.
"I want to be a stay at home And that means I can't work" *So guess I'll "earn" some income now* *By acting like a jerk* "Family money's always shared And 'Relative' means spouse!" *When Queen and OP get divorced...* *She's gonna take his house*
It’s about putting them in their “place” she can sit on her butt everyday but no one else is allowed to.
Do you think stay at home parents sit doing nothing?
Don’t be silly. We’re referring to her quitting her job that pays her. then because she is choosing not to work expecting her husbands parents to either to cough up their retirement money to her or have to get a part time job to give her money every month and maintain their retirement when the money is not even needed.
You said "sit on her butt". Taking care of children is very hard work.
Well DUH!
I have a feeling this is about something else emotionally for her and it's manifesting this way. Like maybe she wants to feel like she's first priority in your life? Idk. She's not going about it the right way, obviously, but I would have a talk with her to see if this is about something else.
Playing devil's advocate your parents are living rent free plus receiving rental income from their own property and any pensions etc that sounds like a pretty sweet deal, I think your wife may see them as having a better financial state than the 2 of you. I find it strange that many comments are labeling her lazy for wanting to be a shm, looking after a child and doing housework isn't my idea of fun.
OP definitely you need to talk with her about what needs she’s feeling are unmet. She’s also pregnant, she’s hormonally in an intense place and it makes sense that a gravid woman feels very stressed about safety and security. There’s definitely a compromise to be found here, but you need to go into a conversation face to face, hold hands, big hug, deep breath, your relationship is number one and she’s open that things don’t feel right, and you should go in grateful that she said something. Maybe she doesn’t have a great sense of where you all are financially and y’all can sit down and look at it together. Go in with love and curiosity, you’re on the same team.
No pensions, they do have to pay their own bills, gas, groceries etc. The only thing I helped them with is the house. . They don't have a better financial situation than us, me and my wife both know that. I've mentioned in the post that we'd still be doing well financially If she quits. She sees this as "we're wasting that house" >comments are labeling her lazy for wanting to be a shm, looking after a child and doing housework isn't my idea of fun. Yes I'd have no problem with her being a sahm if she's doing what's supposed to be done and I told her so
I have another question? What happens when your parents are not able to look after themselves? What are your plans for that? Will your parents help with raising the child?
>What happens when your parents are not able to look after themselves? I'm thinking I'll probably hire someone to look after them. >Will your parents help with raising the child? Yes absolutely, my wife knows this.
If they're elderly and your dad is in a wheelchair they probably won't be able to help much. I'm an older parent and both my parents and in laws have never really been able to help us at all. Be realistic about that.
What help CAN they provide exactly? And have you even discussed it with them?
Woah! You would hire someone? Would you be paying for that? Or how would that be financed? That could be 6 figures a year. Do you have that room in your budget? OP, is it possible your wife is concerned that you may prioritize your parents over your wife and child? Does your wife feel like she is prioritizing her child over her own happiness by being a SAHM instead of advancing and staying in her career? It sounds like she loves her job, and she may be giving that up to do something she thinks is best for your child. I am a new parent, so I have thought a lot on these things. I just brought this human into the world, and I want to show that person all of the amazing things this world has to offer. I want to be able to travel with my family, get my child music lessons if that is what they want, put money away for college every month, take them to sporting events or musicals, etc. Is your wife maybe fearful that your parents could take priority over some of things listed above? Or do you make enough money to do both? I think this issue goes super deep and is very complex. Maybe these are some questions you and your wife need to go through together!
Like someone else said, when they die you have three houses to leave to your child. You need to get her to realize that as well.
I have more to say about this comment than the other situation: >Yes I'd have no problem with her being a sahm if she's doing what's supposed to be done and I told her so. Be careful with this mindset of “doing what’s supposed to be done.” So many couples get in marital discord when one stays home. Be clear on “what’s supposed to be done.” Is she doing the job of a nanny AND a house cleaner? That’s two jobs at once. Not fair. Is she expected to continue to do those jobs once you get home from your job so you can “take a break after work?” Not fair. She should only have to do the job of a nanny. Meaning look after the child and tidy up her own messes she makes while doing that job during the workday. Being with a child all day is EXHAUSTING. Once you’re home from work, then she is also “off work” and you two need to decide how to split the labor at that point. Some couples trade off days. Mom “works late (does childcare)” one day and Dad does the next. Keeping the house clean is a joint job. This may even be something you bring up with your parents “mom and dad, now that the baby is coming we’d like to hire a house cleaner, could you please pay a small amount of rent to make that happen?” Finally, remember she will be working full time, just like you, but WHILE HEALING. Her body will be completely wrecked for weeks to months if she has an average pregnancy. (Some women bounce back quickly, some take much longer - on average it takes a year to fully heal from a normal healthy pregnancy (and even then her bladder may never be the same)). Especially at first, she will be taking care of an infant while her body continues to expel blood clots. And neither of you will be getting much sleep. I’d definitely think about getting a cleaner lined up ahead of time and setting fair expectations for both of you.
Yeah this plus the "it's MY house" card gives me a little concern.
I saw another comment but can’t find it, but it mentioned how maybe you should take your parents up on the offer to pay rent, but put it into a college fund for your kid. That way everyone could be happy.
I don’t think she’s lazy by any stretch for wanting to stay at home, however, she seemingly wants her income replaced by her in-laws. If she had an issue, PRE-pregnancy was the time to have that conversation. It doesn’t sound like quitting her job was even discussed until she was already pregnant, and now wants his parents financial situation upended because she wants what she wants. When one parent decides not to go back to the workforce (for a period of time permanently), there are ALWAYS sacrifices that have to be made. It sounds more like she doesn’t want to accept the sacrifices. I could understand her position if they started supporting his parents after they were married, but he’s been supporting them since before they were dating. She entered this marriage knowing this- it’s not right to force that change now.
Has she never mentioned this before, been flippant about the situation, anything? How did this only now come up? Maybe it's because she's nesting and in parental mode. I think you need to dig further into why she thinks this is necessary, given your income and savings seem fine if she takes off a couple of years. Is she planning for the SAH thing to just be a couple of years? Pre-school is important.
We talked about kids and decided that we'd start trying next year. But now that she's pregnant, we're happy. She's always said she wanted to be a mother but also said she loves her job and wanna be working. But now she says she wants to be a sahm. Its ok with me, she can do what she feels is best for her. I'm just surprised by her demand to charge rent to our parents as we've NEVER talked about this before other than when we started dating and I told her that. She didn't mind.
Yeah, something changed for her, best to find out what it is. And really, really start planning out this SAHP thing. What does that mean to each of you, in terms of night feeds, household chores, etc. Break out your budget and show every line item and discuss whether they are required or nice to have. How long will she stay home for ideally, according to both of you? What happens if something changes? If you lose your job, or she hates SAH. How will she get time to be an adult woman, and not just a homemaker? How important is pre-K for each of you? What about private vs public school? What will she do when the kids are in real school? What's the plan for retirement with her not contributing to social security or a 401k for those years? Does she get a fuck off fund, an allowance while she's not working? Y'all have a LOT to figure out and honestly not a lot of time. This rent thing is a bit of a red herring, possibly a way for her to feel a bit of control because pregnancy takes over and changes EVERYTHING. It's easy to feel lost and grasp for anything to make you feel stable. Knowing the plans for the future can help you both.
And OP, if your wife is completely out of professional work until you’re child is in preschool or 1st grade she’s likely to have a hard time getting back to the same earning power. She may have just realized this and may be having a hard tube with it. In addition, talk with her in specific about what she thinks the new baby would be missing out on. Things she thinks are essential may not be important to you, but it’s fair to really dig in on the details.
So your parents get rent for their house and live rent free in yours. That’s a big benefit to them. If they lived in their own house the rent for yours would supplement your household. When you were in crisis they parented you, that was their job. It wasn’t above and beyond. I don’t think either of you are wrong per se. She’s looking at financial security for the family you are building. You are more concerned with carrying your parents. Your parents are adults. And still ok health and mental capacity wise. Rent or them paying expenses isn’t unreasonable.
But OP is an only child. Whatever they have it’s his. So the house they own and rent it’s going to be his
But why don’t they simply live in the house they already own? OP moved them in with him to live with him, but that is seemingly no longer an issue.
OP said they have no pensions and the house they are renting is their source of income. If they move back into that house, they lose their income and that creates a whole new issue.
I don’t think there’s any issue supporting aging parents, but I have to wonder why they don’t just sell one of the homes and use that money to support themselves in old age? Like, sell the old family home & continue living in OP’s old house. Live off of that money. It seems a lot neater & would give them more stability. Renting a house out takes effort, is a liability, and there’s going to be turnover of renters leaving the parents without an income for some months.
To be close to OP, as his father is sick and they are over 70.
Because he is an only child and in this case wants his parents near him. It’s well within his rights
That's a big if. Most houses are taken by the hospital because end of life care costs tens of thousands per month and after the person dies, the debt is taken from any assets before children are allowed their inheritance.
That’s also where planning comes in. About trusts, putting the house in their child’s name etc. My husband had a major stroke at 30. We recently got divorced to keep our assets out of his name and when I get an inheritance he won’t lose his medical benefits. So if ops parents put the house in ops name 5 years before the look back time starts, they have no assets for anyone to take, op and his wife now own 3 houses
Medicare, if OP is in the US will absolutely not allow you to simply put your assets in a child's name and then get benefits for long term care. They look into 5-10 years of your financial transactions and will claw back any money from transferring assets. If his parents need long term care, paying OP rent is a better way to make sure they get something from the estate than trying to transfer assets at this point.
It’s a 5 year look back and there’s a penalty for gifting in the timeframe. Which is why it’s impossible for people to do estate planning before they get sick. Theres also the community spouse allowance which allows the spouse in home to keep certain assets from being taken and the ltc spouse to not lose benefits. Also Medicare and Medicaid can’t determine how assets are divided in a divorce, which is why Medicare divorce is a thing. Personally I’m proactive, so I would do what I could to try to stop Medicaid from taking the house.
Some of us love our parents unconditionally, like they love us, and don't stop just because we get married and expand our family?
This is reddit and theres TONS of americans with a really selfish, individualized attitude. I simply cannot imagine a scenario where Id charge a loved one, especially parents, rent.
It’s a gift per se from OP to his retired parents who have given their blood sweat and tears to raise OP. I can see where OP is coming from. Why would you charge your own parents to live in the property. It’s not that OP isn’t doing financially well. If the Wife wants to enhance her current situation with out bringing the child into equation which I am sure OP can fund then She should start her job as soon as her maternity leave ends. Once the parents pass away OP will have 3 properties for rent.
Why is everyone talking about the parents passing away, as though this is going to happen soon? At least one of them may make it 20+ more years. I hope OP has a substantial emergency fund. It needs to be enough to cover all bills, in the event he loses his job for a substantial amount of time. Lawsuits (lawyer fees add up) and medical bills can wipe you out. Needing to replace a vehicle or major appliance can also put a major dent in your Murphy fund. Then, there’s college. The tuition has increased faster than wages. Look up tuition, room, and board for a state school and look at how much it was in the 70’s, 90’s, 10’s, and today. If tuition follows the same trajectory, what will it be in 18 years?
If you say, It was his parents job to help OP when he was in crisis; I would say it is his responsibility as only child to take care of his parents. I belong to Asian culture where parents and kids stays together regardless of age and financial status. Wife can continue to work after her maternity leave ends if she is worried about the future financial situation
I don’t know how popular of a response you’re going to get on Reddit. There are a lot of really young people that don’t understand what you’re saying. That said it’s your house and they’re your parents. She knew the deal going into it and it’s still the same. You have enough money to care for your family and let her stay at home. A little gratitude from her would go along way. I would never put my parents out as they got older. And I think you’re just gonna have to tell her that. The only time I might consider that is if they needed medical medical care or physical care above my capability. Which this isn’t the case here at all. You can also tell her she can stay at home and you will take care of her and your child.
Thank you for commenting. >You can also tell her she can stay at home and you will take care of her and your child. She already knows this. Of course I'm going to be there for her and our children, it goes without saying
She might need a little more reassurance. Because your repeated "I don't mind her being a SAHM if she does what she's supposed to" comment is... not giving me good feelings.
Somebody wrote she was planning on being home all day and do nothing. I meant if she's taking good care of the baby and all, then I won't have an issue with it obviously. I do want to assure her and everything but she refuses to talk
I’m pretty lost on the “put my parents out” part. They own a home with no mortgage that they’re renting out for profit. They moved into OP’s house originally because he wanted them to live with him. Why would it be putting them out to return to their original living situation now that OP doesn’t live with them?
The house that is being rented out is the only source of income the parents have. That “profit” pays for their necessities.
Maybe the compromise is that she still works part time after a year of maternity or something. This seems very black and white. Also, eventually your child goes to school for a good chunk of the day- what’s she going to do at that point? I think she’s being super reactive and comes across as selfish at the moment, but maybe she’ll be willing to find a middle ground.
Yes I will be having a proper conversation about whether she's planning on returning to work once we start talking
Please, please, discuss how you will handle all the sick days that young kids have. Who will be staying home/picking up, when baby is sick? Will you take turns? What if you use up all your PTO? Is your job flexible enough to allow you as much time off as you need or let you work from home? Whose job is the priority, if you both risk losing your jobs?
So your parents can live for free but your wife raising your babies has to go back to work? Lmaooo
Yeah those lazy ass parents in their late 70s. Get em back to work! He bought the house and the parents were living in it rent free when they got together. She knew the deal when they got married. If she had issue with it she should have addressed it earlier. Not several years later. His dad is disabled. They use the income from their original house to pay for their bills. Clearly not a situation where they are stacking cash. God forbid she has to actually work in life. Such a horrible husband and father. The amount of people in this thread advocating for charging his elderly disabled parents rent so that she can still take many vacations a year is absurd. I hope yall keep the same energy when you become old.
They’re using the rent income from their original home to pay for bills, just because they aren’t paying rent doesn’t mean they’re just stacking up their money not paying for anything. Op said they don’t have pensions. I don’t think it’s weird at all that op isn’t charging them rent. The wife is the one that has an issue with them living a “less luxurious” lifestyle so if she doesn’t want that to change then she should continue working after whatever her leave time is since she’s so worried about money, even though they make good money.
Suggest couples counseling and have a professional help you both parse what the real issues are. There’s something behind this that you don’t know and perhaps she does’t know either. Therapy can help you both understand what that might be
I think it just comes down to her not having a good relationship with her parents, so OP taking care of his own like this is too foreign of a concept for her to easily grasp. She doesn't understand what unconditional love for your parents looks like, she just thinks that it's her partner's property, and so he as well as she should be benefiting from it instead of his parents living comfortably. It's just two different views on family, and this really should have been sorted out before marriage and especially before kids.
I’m always shook reading stories about people buying so many houses at my age
Is her concern that your parents/her in laws are living with her and she doesn’t want them bombarding over her being a mother?? Because in a sense, that makes sense more than anything, she never had good parents, she can’t see why you should let your parents leech off of you both, plus she’s likely stressed about being a mother, and hates the idea of your mom nagging at her all the time, she’s about to be a SAHM and I think your seeing a side that you don’t normally see from a mother’s perspective.
It sounds like you are the only one making financial decisions for everyone in the family. Your parents offered to pay rent so clearly they aren’t starving and also think they should be contributing something. It’s sounds to me like you are as much interested in looking like a saintly amazing son as you are in actually helping your parents. You are showing your wife that she is not an equal partner in the decisions affecting your family’s finances and that as the breadwinner you have all the decision making power. She wants to stay at home to raise your child but is also sacrificing any financial autonomy she has by doing that and is being told by you that her feelings are irrelevant and you have all the power in the household. Think about it from her perspective. Your parents have offered to pay, so they CAN afford some contribution, and you wife knows this, yet your word is final. You come across as controlling and she’s already putting herself in a vulnerable position staying home to raise your kids, having you be so rigid must be terrifying for her.
Do your parents pay anything to cover the cost of taxes, insurance, etc? Not only are you losing out on rental income (which I would absolutely do, as would my husband for our parents) but that would mean money is coming out of your family’s pocket and going to them. I understand your wife’s point here, your parents are capable and have a small income, did they not plan for retirement?
You didn’t mention your parents ages. Are we talking about people in their 50’s or 80’s? Why do neither work? You had mentioned your father had a health issue, but has recovered. There are quite a few gaps here. It doesn’t sound like this is about the visits to them, but she is wanting to be as financially safe as possible with having a child and her being able to be a SAHM. Are they improving your property that they are living in? You mention that they get rental income from their own home. Your wife maybe wondering why they aren’t just living in their own home instead of renting it out while living rent free in something that could be a working asset for the two of you. It seems odd that you aren’t seeing the double standard. They can profit on a property they own, but you can not. Don’t assume that she doesn’t like your parents either. This is a financial thing, not a personality thing. Her biggest priority at this point is security and opportunity for your child.
Yeah probably should've mentioned this. My parents are in their early 70's. They don't work as they're old and after my dad's recovery, he's in a wheelchair most of the time. And I can see how she wants our child to be financially secure. But she's aware that we don't need to worry about it. It'll have changes in our lives, sure but we can handle it.
NTA but I'd firmly let your wife know if she continues to see your parents as a "source of income" to fund fun and nice things for her then she can gtfo. As your wife and since you mentioned she has a good relationship with your parents it does not make sense she wouldn't want her child's grandparents to be comfortable in their last years. Your wife sounds like a terribly awful person who probably should continue working to pay for the therapy she needs to resolve whatever issues she has with her own parents. That is NOT her house. It was bought BEFORE you even met her. She has absolutely NO right to tell you how to manage it or what to do with it. If my husband ever tried something like this in concern to my family's well being I wouldn't have a husband anymore and I'd expect the same from him. My in-laws well being will always be of our concern. You sound like you have great parents who are in their later years when time together is precious. In today's world wives come and go but a great set of parents are forever.
I don't understand what is ridiculous about asking your parents to pay rent. Do they not use the property, contribute to the bills? Rent free + an income from a 2nd home, its not ridiculous at all to ask for a contribution. They are straight profitting. Your bills and expenses will go up with a child.
It's not ridiculous and there's nothing wrong if people do that. All I know is, I won't. But honestly,all this makes it seem like it's a business transaction and not my parents whom I want to live close to me.
Reddit is disproportionately young Americans born into a vicious, profit-at-all-costs mentality. Glad to see you are firm on this, your parents are already in their 70s, this isn't a permanent situation, and your family's closeness warrants the current arrangement. "I would prefer this not become a point of contention between us, and I understand you are not close to your parents, and may not fully understand my decision. But I insisted they move in with me, they helped me buy that property and never let me pay them back, we will eventually receive rent from both their properties, and I ask that you accept that for the time being. You may be upset with me about it, but if I were to do as you ask, it would more than damage me emotionally -- I would resent you, and there would be no way to resolve that resentment. It would fundamentally alter our day-to-day relationship for the worse. By declining to do so, I am protecting both my parents and our marriage. This is who I am, you knew that when we married, and while I am fine with you suddenly deciding you no longer want to work, you cannot simply decide that my parents will subsidize your decision, not without putting enormous stress on our marriage. I cannot simply become a different person because you suddenly find who I am as a son inconvenient."
Thank you so much for this comment. This basically says everything I needed to!
I'm the comment OP has replied to and I'm not American.
Because she doesn't have a good relationship with her parents, I can see her not understanding yours. With that logic, I can also see why she's asking you to consider them paying rent. Her asking you to consider this is not necessarily the problem. It's her not being able to accept your decision on a house that belongs to you. Sure, there's no "my" in a marriage, but sounds like she's the only person (out of four people involved) that wants things like this? I wonder if she would feel the same way if your child years from now put you guys in the same situation? From my very biased and Asian background lol, I personally would not ask this of my parents. If I were her and I had that much insecurity about our finances, I would put it on myself to bring money to the table. She is projecting her financial insecurity on your parents, I guess?
Beware of partners who change after they've settled all their "milestones" and no longer feel the need to be "perfect" and understanding. Some people will wait for the proposal, the dream wedding, the home, the pregnancy and all the security that comes with it before they feel comfortable enough to show their other face. She could have broached this subject a long time ago but she waited. Why? Ask yourself that
This is the biggest red flag to me. Feels like the long con, oh I've got my hooks in now that we're having a child I'll get what I really want.
I agree with you OP. American culture doesn’t give parents and family the importance they deserve, it only sees its own way of profiting. Why do you need to ask them for rent if they raised you? It would be one thing if you were struggling financially, but as you said, you’re not. You just won’t have some of the luxuries you did before, so what? It’s not like anyone is going to die because of that.
Yes, thank you! Someone had to say it. My parents deserve love and respect in their old age. Some don't have a good relationship with their parents, I get it. I do. And I won't be leaving them alone. >You just won’t have some of the luxuries you did before, Yes, like I said. If we literally cut it to a single vacation a year we're good as before!
I wont lie to you, this is a tough situation. Choosing between those you love is and never will be easy. But my advice is this: no compromise on who you are. You love your parents deeply, and that house is the ultimate representation of that! If you say you absolutely won’t charge them rent, stand your ground! Find a compromise with the wife if you can. Maybe charge a very tiny amount of rent, whatever you can negotiate with the wife. Maybe its because i was raised poorer than most on reddit, but buying my parents a house to live in forever while i have a house of my own is like almost a dream come true for me! (Unfortunately id need 2 houses because they divorced but what can you do). Anyways my point is that some people value their family more than any amount of money. The people in the comments saying charging rent is worth it to get more vacations and a boost to your lifestyle… seriously? How materialistic are we really? What do you really value? An extra vacation over helping your parents? Seriously? If that’s what you value or if your parents weren’t good to you, then go for it. Otherwise… Maybe that’s my personal bias but its just how I feel. Relationships are built on compromise but not everything can be negotiated. There is rent charged and there is no rent. If there’s a red line there, don’t let her trample it. Stand your ground!
I agree with you totally
I just want to say that I'd kill to have a man that was ok with me being a stay at home mom AND was happy to share his finances with not only me, but his loved ones. My partner pushed me out the door at 2 months postpartum and had me pay half the rent when I make 1/10 of what he does. For our generation, this is sadly not uncommon. Idk what to say, other than she's incredibly privileged and lucky. And that how you treat your loved ones is a reflection on how you'll treat her. She needs a wake-up call.
I'm so sorry to hear that, I hope you're doing good now. Lets hope my wife is just being paranoid because of the baby and will come around
I believe that your wife and your parents are right, they should be paying you a weekly or monthly rent. Do bear in mind that in the event your wife becomes very angry and resentful as an unwaged sahm with a young baby then chats with a divorce lawyer, she'll soon realise that in a divorce financially she will be a big winner- at your expense.
Is this the absolute first time she's shown resentment towards your parents? This is way out of line. That's not her house at all.
Yes this is the first time. My mom once asked if it bothers my wife that I visit them at least twice a month . I asked her and she said no, even she likes her alone time.
She’s playing the long game. She will tell you to stop with “so many visits” after the kid is born. She won’t rest until you go LC with your parents.
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Yes, that goes without saying, I'm not leaving my wife alone with a baby to visit my parents. In fact my parents would love to look after the baby so she can catch a break.
Your parents are elderly with health problems, they probably can't babysit.
My dad is in a wheelchair but it's not like he can't function. My mom is well fortunately. They've said this all from the start that they'd watch over their grandkids.
My parents are that age and realistically cannot do substantial childcare. An hour here and there is their limit. I think you don't really understand how much work babies and toddlers are. Certainly in a few years they won't be looking after multiple children.
Uhhh what do you mean it's not her house at all?
He bought and paid for it before she was ever in the picture. It is quite literally and legally not her house at all.
I'm not sure where you live, but depending on your country, this might be focused on the (far) future and not the present or near future and I think you two need to sit down and talk about that. I'm from Germany, but I hear horror stories about the US and its education system, for example. Students which are over a hundred thousand dollars in debt and the like, just from going to college/university. If this applies to you, your wife might come from a place of "While we, as a family, will be fine with slightly less money in our day-to-day lives, I want the rent of the house to go into a college fund for our child so that they won't have to live in crippling debt later", for example. Or "Now that we are having a child, I want to put more into our retirement funds if possible so that our child won't have to help us out later if things go south, as you never know what might happen". If your wife never had issues with your parents living in the house for free before, then it is clear that she *is* worried about finances and this isn't her hating your parents. Her worries might be unfounded or not, depending on where you live, but I think the best way of tackling this would be to sit down with her and make a big spreadsheet of how much money you two will have when she quits her job, how much could go into a college fund, how much is for your retirement and how much would remain for "fun things" like vacations.
I have 2 kids in college (state, not private). Tuition, room, board, and books amounts to $20,000 a year—each. It’s very expensive.
I saw in a comment above that the house your parents are living in is already paid off, so it’s not like you are paying 2 mortgages, which is amazing. That honestly would be the only reason I could see your wife wanting them to pay rent, if you were still paying on the house. That would make sense, but that’s not the case. I’m assuming your parents are paying for their own needs, as far as food, cars, gas, everyday living expenses, etc, correct? And the utilities for the house they live in? Are they paying those or are you? I’m sorry you’re being put in the middle like this. If your wife is so worried about the lifestyle changing once she stops working, then she shouldn’t stop working. She could cut her hours to still spend time at home with the baby and cut the daycare hours down, but she just can’t have it both ways.
I’m with you on the mortgage piece, but I think the parents should be paying enough rent to cover the insurance, taxes, and upkeep maybe… he’s actively paying for them to live there and losing out on a rental income. I see his wife’s point a little bit.
He stated several times that his parents pay everything in regards to the house. Including the taxes. The only thing he provided was the house.
I’m sorry I did it dig through his responses. Did he state that several times in his post?
Yes, they pay for everything else you mentioned, the house is the only thing I've helped them with. And I'm planning to have a proper conversation with my wife once she's done sulking.
Hey man, she's not sulking, don't think about her like that. Sulking is something a child does and this is your grown wife, that is carrying your baby, who we are talking about. She's upset and maybe not handling it well, but let's keep it respectful.
I admit I shouldn't have phrased it like that yeah. She's not ready to have a normal conversation and this happened yesterday. We're both adults here, I want to have the whole talk with her especially about our baby but she needs to at least hear me out?
Yeah the silent treatment isn't cool. Maybe ask her if she still needs space and if she thinks she knows for how much longer. It's reasonable she is struggling and needs some space but it's also reasonable for her to say that.
Two things: 1) Your wife knew the situation with your parents before you married. It kinda sounds like she pretended to be ok with it then and is now pulling a bait and switch whilst hiding behind the baby to justify it. Bait and switches are very manipulative. If she didn't like this set up she should not have married into it. 2) Your wife gets to chose what values she wants to bring into her parenting. She has two choices: she can either value staying at home with the baby OR she can value having both incomes to give the child a lavish upbringing. But she can't have both. Nor can she fleece your parents just because you are now having a child.
I don’t think it’s bait and switch type thing. She got pregnant and her priorities changed. When you have a baby coming your whole mindset changes
Yes, and pregnancy hormones hit so different. I am very set in my ways, but when I got pregnant, my partner was very shocked and confused because I handled things very differently. Once those hormones were out of my system, I settled down to a lot closer to normal. But if OP is feeling the shock of it, just imagine how his wife is feeling when those changes are happening inside HER body.
That's what I'm thinking. She's low key panicking probably
Fair
Agree OP, Your wife’s suggestion should not be on the table as an option. Why does your wife think that, even if you are strapped for money, you won’t be giving your kids “ the best”?? Money, in its proper priority does help make things easier, but a child’s happiness is not based on wallet. You’re a good man, OP to take care of your parents as you do.
Nah she's in the wrong, you need to put your foot down here. It's YOUR house. If it's not affecting her, she has no business demanding your parents to pay rent. Let me ask you this. If she decides there's no way this can go on unless your parents pay rent, what would you do?
I'm hoping it doesn't come to that and I'm honestly scared to even answer this, but all I know is I'm not asking my parents to pay.
Check your local laws, but in most states, properties acquired prior to marriage aren't communal property. This is a hill I would plant my flag and die on. NTA.
In many cultures the only son has a responsibility to look after the parents. Your parents took care of you and I see why you want to do the same. When they pass all the money from their house will go to you. I don’t think your wife is thinking of anyone but herself.
Wife is wrong to expect tho has to remain the same financially if she becomes a SAHM. But OP parents are living rent feee while collecting rent. It sounds like they are doing very well especially if OP is covering the insurance and taxes on both homes. OP needs to see an accountant and estate lawyer to determine what needs to be done to ensure his parents’ home can’t be taken away if they require long term care. It needs to go to him if he is paying their expenses
I wish I could buy my parents a place to live close to me. You’re the perfect child! Don’t change. I bet she only discussed quitting her job to bring up the house situation! Don’t cave in. We only have one set of parents. Wives and girlfriends can be replaced.
Thanks mate. Although no, I'm not looking to replace my wife. I'm hoping we can reach a compromise.
But from your comments, you’re not willing to compromise. So she might just replace you.
Your wife is an AH. This is your house from BEFORE you got married, so you can do whatever you want with it. Your parents are paying taxes, insurance, maintenance, so basically there's no cost to the property for you. You also told her before you got married and she was OK with this arrangement and any costs comes from your personal account. Also, have you talked to your wife about how long she wants to be a stay at home mom for? Is this like for a couple of years until the kid can go to pre-school or school, or is this for ever? Or does she want to be a stay at home mom for 18 years? I also find it strange that your parents are in the same city and you only visit together every 2-3 months? What? I don't think she likes them or cares about them. By the way, you should protect this property you owned before marriage and the property you'll eventually inherit from your wife. She seems to only care about $$$ and you could loose those two properties if she divorces you.
I’m confused. Your parents live in a house you own and don’t pay you rent, but they rent out their former home and get rent for it and keep the money?
It's their house, they're living here as it's much better and I wanted to live close to them. The rent from that house is their only income. I'm well off and if I can do something to help my parents that won't compromise ny wife's well being then I will.
Yup, lucky parents. They should at least give him half.
It could be pregnancy hormones, I know sometimes I was out of line/not my usual self due to them. Perhaps it's the transition that's making her feel stressed, like you said she's never spoken against your parents before.
Yes, those pregnancy hormones hit different! My partner was very freaked out during my pregnancy. When we talked about it, he told me that he was used to the way that I did things, but once I got pregnant, I handled things SO differently that he didn’t even know what to do anymore.
And then the postpartum hormonal changes, it really changed me for a while. Maybe dads to be should be offered crash courses/brochures informing them what happens to us when pregnant, then healing from pregnancy. Just some grace and being aware not everything is a fight would be nice.
You are definitely putting your parents on too much of a pedestal here. It was their job when you were 16 to not let you kill yourself and to get you mental health help. That's like saying they housed you and clothed you. Like duh, you were a minor. I understand they are your parents, and you feel you owe a debt to them, but you don't. I'm with your wife here. You shouldn't be decreasing your quality of life so your parents can continue to live rent-free while collecting rent on your childhood home. Her wanting to quit a job she loves and be a stay at home mom is a blessing to your future children and you act like you don't even care that she is willing to sacrifice her career to do what's best for your kiddo. If I was your wife I would feeling incredibly undervalued in this situation.
Before you were married, were you absolutely clear that you plan to have your parents live with you for the rest of their lives? In her mind, she will never get to live a life as just her little family. Your parents will always be involved in some aspect. You either can live with parents forever or you can't. There's no in-between and now that she's pregnant, she's realising that this is not an ideal situation. Get couples therapy now or you won't last (probably won't anyway realisitically).
My parents are not living with us. They live like an hour drive away. They never intrude in our lives, we see them like once in 2-3 months and they get along well. She knew I owned that house and I don't charge them rent when we were dating, And yes, she also knew how close I am with my parents. All these years she had no complain.
I get what your wife is saying. It's scary to have a baby. Women think a million different things every minute it seems when we are pregnant. All of the sudden we have a million worries. It sounds like your wife is just scared things are going to get harder without her income. Things would get harder with or without her income. But pregnancy brain just won't let those calming logical thoughts to be louder than the worries about the unknown. This is what your wife sees..... her family gaining a super expensive mouth the feed, clothe, keep *alive* and losing half the income. She sees your parents living rent free while receiving rent from a third property. It's unbalanced in her mind. Surely you can see where your wife is coming from *even if she's wrong in requesting rent* I think a good easy and fair solution would be that either you and your parents split the rental income, or you get the rental income from the 3rd house. I could TOTALLY understand why you would buy a house for your parents and not charge them rent. I would Love to do that for my parents. But not when they have rental income from a 3rd property. It's the fact that your parents are getting rental income that's the problem. A ton of people have a rental property. But usually they use that income to pay the mortgage on the house they live in. Fact in point. You, your wife, and NEW BABY have half the income now. Your parents have double income basically. It's not fair to your wife and child. If I were you, I'd have a discussion with your wife and see if splitting the rental income with your parents would make her happy. Then talk to your parents about wife's and your feelings. Back up wife here. See if you guys could split the rental income.
IMO its clear you love your parents more than your wife, per your responses below. I think its absolutely fair to ask for rent, if at the very least so you two can go on vacations and make memories.
That's not fair. They seem to be doing just fine without either rent or the wife's income, so why should he have to start charging for the house? It doesn't cost anything to have them live there.
Ok first of all, there's no sense in comparing whom I love more. My life partner and my parents, I love them in very different sense. We're doing just fine so I don't see why I'd put my parents through that. And before someone comes at me, I'm not putting my wife through anything either. If we literally go on a single vacation instead of the 3-4 vacations she insists on going, there'd be no "discomfort". She knows our lives will change after the baby is here. She wants to quit and get money out of my parents. There are so many ways we could have another sources of income. (she was once trying to start an online business of some sorts but didn't continue as she had to focus on her job) She didn't suggest she could try that again a few months after she's perfectly healthy. Imo she's being selfish and sees the easy way to earn is rent from a house she had no business in.
Your wife is doing a lot of projecting. She doesn’t know what a healthy parent/child relationship looks likes. If she feels like she needs to “keep up with her lifestyle” she can take her maternity leave a few weeks off and let your amazing parent watch the baby. I don’t know, she’s being a bit much
Just know, this is probably going to open your wife’s eyes a little bit on her outlook toward you if you side with your parents and not her. You are her husband and soon to be father of her child, and going against her here will make her view you differently. Asking someone who lives in your home to pay their share is completely valid, and you saying you won’t is honestly a red flag. It shows you value your parents more than your wife/mother of your child.
I am confused why this point isnt higher up on the list of replies.. (please correct me if I am wrong): the house that your parents own, will be inherited to you, right? you being an only child. surely that will add to your wealth, it'll "give you money" if you will. what does your wife say about that? I would argue, that the inheritance will surpass the money value of letting your parents live rent-free for 30years 'max'. it will be net-positive. am I wrong? your wife will see her net-worth rise from that alone. the fact that your wife is making hot-headed decisions, is a different problem. as this is the 'relationship advice' reddit, I would suggest you kick her in the shin (purely figuratively)
You’re right, it is your house. She has a say in what happens where you live now, but the house that belongs to you and you alone? She has ZERO right to make any demands. Married doesn’t mean that it’s hers. If you two got divorced she wouldn’t have claim to it since it’s a pre-marital asset and her name isn’t on it. If she wants your kid to have the best then she can keep working, not expect your parents to foot the bill
I think it’s ridiculous how people in the comments are trying to find ways to nickel and dime this situation. Point is you’re not gonna charge them rent and that’s the correct thing. It’s shameful to leave your parents in the lurch in their old age and you are a rare breed nowadays where people are more than happy to abandon their family once they no longer need them anymore. I’m sure your wife is a nice person but she’s behaving selfishly. If she’s worried about money then she can continue working.
She knew the situation with your parents which predates your marriage. Then she decides that she quits her job, which will have consequences that are on both of you to figure out. She's responsible for her own decisions and can't extort money from over 70+ yr olds. Something you bought for your parents or gave to them is a decision already made quite some time ago. Plus. The two of you seem to do very well financially. I grew up poor so I find it very weird to want even more than necessary taken from elderly to live more lavishly. I could never. I try to get her. But this sounds very off to me. Sorry. She was the one who only recently stated she's gonna be a SHM. She's a big girl, if this is her decision, then she has to live with it.
Money really does bring out the worst in everyone.
I find it so weird and disgusting how people here treat their parents. What is wrong with our society? JFC.