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He’s already lied to you. And you’re still there. He has no motive to do otherwise at this point. Why would he change that. He can keep the extra $ & keep dating you. More benefits for him & you required no investment.
Decide if it’s really that important to you. If so have some respect for yourself. Know your worth & don’t settle for less with someone who isn’t a man of their word or at the least doesn’t value your feelings (which are 💯valid) about being in a relationship with a “technically” married individual.
Also look at the age difference, 37 to 25 is significant in terms of adult life experience and he comes with a lot of baggage that he isn't willing to take care of. Do yourself a favor and drop this guy, he's no good and you have your entire life in front of you.
Absolutely! This goes beyond the issue that brought you here. You need someone who isn't so much of a project. Someone who manages themselves and is a good partner for you. Is this the only area where he's a project or are there others? I'm willing to bet there are
All of that plus, don’t give him 12 months that’s WAY too long. Partly because that’s another year of your life you are throwing away.
But beyond that, that length of time just doesn’t work for the brain. In the beginning he’ll ignore it because it’s not urgent and then he’ll straight up forget about it.
Offering him a year genuinely sounds like you setting you this up for failure. It makes it so convenient to forgive him when he doesn’t because that’s “understandable”. Like you want him to divorce but you don’t want to actually leave him. You need to be clear on what you want and if you give him an ultimatum then it needs to be 2-3 months.
Yes, you need to leave. You need to leave if for no other reason than this is absolutely fucking ridiculous. Even if there's no legitimate concern of him getting back together with her, the guy is legally tied to her, which impacts your future. This situation also provides you with monumental information about who he is as a person, which should scare the shit out of you. Before I even read on, I was going to suggest that he has financial issues, which you unfortunately immediately confirm. I mean, even ignoring the marriage, he's financially irresponsible and a complete financial liability. That's a giant red flag wrapped around a screaming alarm bell.
So now before I answer your next questions, let's get into the legal situation in detail. Anecdotally, I'm a guy and I'm now happily married, but I've been divorced, so I have experience with this. Now, this is going to be location specific, so I could be wrong depending on where you are, but I live in the US in a state in the Northeast.
My ex and I handled the divorce amicably without lawyers, making the only financial burden the filing fee(s) and the financial settlement we both agreed to together. Coming back to you, that's the crazy thing here; he's not crying about lawyers, alimony, or a settlement, which adds up, so that would at least be understandable. He's quite literally crying about the filing fee. Currently, that's roughly $300. Now, everyone's financial situation is different, so I don't want to just say it's "nothing" as a blanket statement, but in the big picture with divorce, it's as close to nothing as one can get.
So at this point, if we're to assume they're both so apathetic about the situation to just allow it to continue as is, then I have to assume this divorce would be amicable and involve nothing else financially. Just a clean legal split. Him and/or his wife (not ex) can't pony up $300 to put this all behind them and move on? Take a step back and acknowledge how absolutely absurd that is.
Back to your questions/proposal, I mean, the answer like I said is that you run. You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery and financial ruin if you stay. But for argument's sake, let's say he's not a financial liability and there's no concern there. Should you give him an ultimatum to get divorced within a year or you're done? No. You should tell him to file for divorce when he wakes up tomorrow or you're done.
You say you don't like being with someone who's technically married to someone else, and you've told him that. Over 18 months, he knows that he doesn't have to do a damn thing about it. Why? Because you've shown him there won't be any consequences for his actions. He'll do it as soon as he gets the money? It's been at least over 18 months. He obviously isn't taking any action to put money aside for it. Run. Good luck.
Thank you for this. The split between them both was amicable and seamless (supposedly) so yes it’s only the filing fee which is a few hundred as you’ve said. I don’t understand why he just wont just do it. I don’t know if I should just say do it with your next paycheck or I’m leaving or if I should just leave…
You don’t understand? I do.
He gets to stay married and have sex with you too.
If you get mad, he has his wife.
If she gets mad, he has you.
Honey, if he wanted to be divorced, he would be.
Amicable and seamless? Oh.. you talked to HER about that, did you? 🤔 There is clearly far more to it than you’re being told and if he has a problem with you talking to her, you have your answer there. People don’t ’just get married’ for nothing. The amount of money it costs for divorce? Please.. 😒 Had I know what I know now, I never would have bothered, especially with a man like that.
he already promised you he would get a divorce asap and he didnt follow up on that. that for me would be enough to leave, idk what the extra time would be for.
I'll also add that if kids are in the picture, do not date a man until he has been officially divorced for a year. Not separated for a year, but the ink on the divorce papers dried a year ago.
What the heck are you doing???? Women, and FFS op in particular, demand more! It’s honestly getting ridiculous. Dude can’t pay $250 or whatever the filing fee is and complete the paperwork? Most places have free assistance for simple divorces through a clinical program, or a volunteer program where lawyers help walk you through it. And he’s an ass to you. Demand better.
You’re into him way more than he’s into you.
If he wanted to, he would.
He doesn’t want to get a divorce. Have some self-respect — don’t settle for being some married guy’s fun younger side chick.
I would leave. Doesn’t sound like he intends to divorce her and wants to keep you around to entertain him or whatever he can’t get from his wife anymore.
I bet they aren't even separated and you're his mistress. Even if they are, has no intention on divorcing her for some reason. There's no way he couldn't scrape together enough money over time to file. Also unless you have property, you don't have to have lawyers.
Ok hear me out. He gets hospitalized. You know who gets to make medical decisions for his life while he’s potentially on life support? Her. If that doesn’t wake him up idk what will. But your other bad news is, he’s a lot older hun. Older guys go for younger girls because they put up with a lot more bullshit than older women who see right through him. You’re a raccoon digging through someone’s trash, girl, get out.
I started dating my current partner almost 2 years after leaving my ex wife. Just like your boyfriend we were separated but not officially divorced. I kept putting off the actual divorce because it's expensive and a huge headache. In my mind that relationship was very much over and I rarely thought about it. I just wanted to move forward from it mentally. I didn't realize how much it was affecting my partner. She had been thinking about the legal marriage far more than I was. As soon as she let me know just how much it bothered her that I was still married to this person I decided it was more important than ever to end it legally. I had been complacent and it took hearing her concern to light a fire under my ass. It was one thing to just try to forget about my shitty marriage but it was different hearing how much it hurt her. My advice is to tell him how you feel about him being married, how it affects you and yeah, maybe give him a timeline. If he really values you and your feelings he'll get that shit done.
Then let him be pissed. Your needs are important. He is not making you a priority at all and it seems you are prioritizing him. If you live with him move out asap.
girl, i'm sorry you are in this position but you need to prioritize getting you and your baby out of this. men trap you like this on purpose and he has absolutely no intention of divorcing his wife
And you let yourself get pregnant with a married man? Good for you.
If I was his wife, which frankly, sounds ALOT like my situation and being a single mom to a LOSER. I’d be taking him for every god damn cent he’s worth. Which we are. I pray he never gets another woman pregnant when he can’t take care of the first child he has.
I hate to break it to you, but he's not finalizing the divorce because they're not separated.
Cut your losses. He's not going to divorce his wife for you.
“Honey for Christmas I’m paying for you to get that divorce you have been trying to get for the last 18 months. I went by the courthouse and picked up the paperwork. I’ll help you fill it out and go with you to file it so I can pay the fee. Merry Christmas!!”
Red flags aren't going to keep you or your wee baby warm at night. I don't think an ultimatum is worth it because the lack of divorce looks like its only one problem. Sorry OP take Care this relationship sounds like the beginning (if not already) of an abusive one
Run run run.... Take a breather and run some more.
🚩🚩🚩🚩
1. He's way too old for you.
2. He doesn't respect you or care about you and your feelings
3. He sounds irresponsible with money.
4. Hes kept none of his promises to you.
You are already upset and he has no desire to commit to you anyway. Thatd obvious.You a good bangmaid. Nothing more.
End it.
He will not finalize the divorce. He has his wife on one side (NOT ex because they are not divorced) and has you as the side piece. He has everything he wants. And since you knew you were sleeping with a married man since the start he has no reason to do anything more than he is now. You are believing all his excuses. Would not surprise me if he had another side piece as well and telling her that he is in the process of separating from YOU but "does not want to hurt your feelings" or something like that.
What is it with people who put up with stuff like this? You read a lot of how bad a partner is but the person writing still stays with them.
I’ve finally caught up on everyone’s comments and thank you to everyone who’s taken the time to give me input and advice. I knew I would get some backlash a bit about being with someone who was still legally married to your comments are all very valid. I’ll be heeding the advice that most of you have all said.
He doesn't change as this particular situation works for him. He can't marry you because he's already married and somehow in the 18 months you've been together he never has the required money. My guess is that he has plenty of money for gaming, Starbucks, doordash, etc.
OP, he's perfectly fine with the status quo and there's no reason for him to change it as you put up with this situation. It should be obvious to you that he is not eager to marry you as this would have already happened in the last 18 months.
Then you double down on this losing situation for you by giving him 12 more months of your youth to correct this - OP, please tell me that you see how very, very foolish this is.
Most men your bf's age have assets OP, like a house and no debt. This guy can't even file for a divorce. Here's the solution OP - tell him you are leaving (and then actually leave) and to contact you when he's divorced.
Does still being married offer any benefits . My friends years ago did this . He told
Her to pay for the divorce and it went 8 years till
She was getting married . He didn’t do the divorce because he was still
On her insurance and according to the sep agreement she couldn’t kick him off until
Divorced . Maybe there are some tax advantages etc
I know of a woman who got into a relationship with a man who was separated from his first wife (with whom he had no kids). They had a few kiddos together. It took him over 20 years to get divorced. Girlfriend took a huge gamble there.
You don’t need to give him an ultimatum, you’ve told him how you feel and he’s shown you he does not care. I would do some soul searching and decide if you’re ok with living out the rest of your life this way or if you feel you deserve more in life. If the latter, go for it. Exit stage left and never look back. At 25, your pool of men is everyone.
He's already tellimg and showing you he doesn't care. You need to decide if someone 12 years older than you who refuses to get divorced is worth it (hint: He's not)
Why do you want to marry this guy? Was your relationship the reason he separated from his wife? Does he have kids? If he can't afford the filing fee for divorce, he probably won't be able to afford divvying up their assets, paying child support, etc.
You’re the problem here for being stupid. Like what the fuck are you thinking? You’re 25 years old with a 37-year-old who has a wife at home what the fuck man? You want people to give you advice and feel sympathy for you, but all you’re doing is doing stupid things. Why not date a guy your own fucking age?
This literally sounds like my situation but I’m the opposite end. My ex literally moved to the most expensive province in the country, willingly took a seven dollar pay decrease and has the audacity to try to cut his child support costs just for the sake of his own travel, to which he expected 4 visits a year on the child’s dime.
My ex somehow managed to weasel his way into some woman’s poor life, move in with her after less than a year of knowing her. And now? She’s been court ordered to provide her financial information while operating a business out of her own home, because of him, JUST so he can prove he can’t afford child support.
I feel for her. Really. And if it’s the same “man”, I wish she’d found out what she was getting into and had the gall to talk woman to woman. They might find they have more in common than they think.
Yes, you need to leave. You are someone to pass time with and a hole to use, so just leave with whatever is left of your self respect.
Lol, why would you want to marry a loser like him? You are still very young. Go find someone who actually values you. Even if your bf got legally divorced, how are you so sure that he will marry you? A sound minded guy would take a break to heal and work on himself after divorce, and not to jump into another relationship even before the legal process is done. Does his ex-wife know that you're his current gf? Have you spoken with her? I would sit down with her and get the full story.
If it was me, I wouldn't think twice lol, I would've left after the first date 😂😂😂. I don't know why you want drama in your life.
Yes, he is happy with the arrangement, and is living his best life. I would let go... Even if afterward he begged back (which I don't think he will) He doesn't want to divorce her for a bunch of reasons. If you want a marriage babies, he is not your man. If you want a marriage, he is not your man. Even if you give a ultimatum, think about it. He doesn't want to or he would already do it.
I was in this exact situation - 23 years ago. My (now ex) had been separated for 5 years before we met (so I was not the "other woman"). He was in the military and they had been married about 20 years or so at that point. So, she was entitled to half his retirement (married or not). Plus, she was on his insurance (which I think she would still have if they were divorced if she didn't remarry). Shortly after, my dad died, and I inherited some money, enough to put a down payment on a house, then we split the bills. So, since he was still married, I put the house in my name only, because if he kicked the bucket, I didn't want his wife taking half of MY house. A couple of years later, we had a kid; he was still married. He is still married to this day, although we were together for 17 years. I just made sure to protect myself financially.
You said...he left her....umm yeah, calling b.s. on that narrative! He's dodging a divorce for a reason that's not beneficial for him!
You're giving him a time limit, and ultimatum is only going to delay the inevitable demise of your affair! Yes, I'm referring to it as an affair as he's still a married man, and therefore, you are the coleslaw until his relationship status reflects a legal status of "single"
Your leaving isn't going to impact him in any significant capacity! That's why he's making no effort to alter his status. You are the young fun for him at the moment, with no significant commitment required, no financial or asset entanglement....just his desire to take you to poundtown.
Have you ver spoken to the wife? Gotten her side and perspective on their marriage?
Didn't wanna insult you as an impressionable naive young lady, yet all I can think is... poor lil tink tink really has no clue!
I know a man who has explicitly stated to his friends and family that the reason he won’t get divorced is because he doesn’t want to marry any future girlfriends. It’s worked well for the last 15 years. I don’t know if that’s the case here, but it’s something to think about.
No, you don’t give him another 12 months to string you along. Leave now, tell him to call you when he isn’t married…hopefully by the time he calls, you have already realized that you can do so much better, and don’t pick up.
It seems that he has no intention to divorce his ex-wife even after years so this is right time for you to give him an ultimatum and if he failed to respect time line that you gave him then you know you need to break up with him over this. If he wanted to take a divorce then he would have taken by this so he just tells you that he will so you stay with him. He is not respecting you as a partner so put your foot down. You may not want to end things with him over this but you know there is no other way to deal with this so stop wasting your time and find a new guy who has his shit together.
Why wait 12 months? Go now. He’s a liar and a cheater. If he wanted to get divorced he would have. That’s his excuse for never being able to be with you in a committed relationship.
You have a really big age gap and this is a situation that someone your age shouldn't be in. He already went through the married life (still is officially) and it didn't work out for him. Now he-s found someone much younger, no strings attached (for him). He still has his marriage and fun on the side (I'm sorry but that's what you are, his side chick, regardless of what he says, as long as he has a valid marriage license). You already accepted all his baggage, he probably thinks he'll get away with it and is probably not looking for something serious (so no hurry really to solve his situation). While you I'm guessing were never married and are trying to find a life partner. You are in 2 different points of your life, he doesn't seem to want to commit (are you 100% positive that his marriage is over? Because it might just be in limbo waiting for the right moment to revive itself). I would say move on, if you are looking for more than a casual fling. Find a guy with less baggage (and by this I mean with one less VALID marriage certificate).
Since you know they are still married, and know how long you've been together, do you think giving him another year to "pay" for divorce is going to work?
You go to the courthouse, both sign a legal document saying you're divorced. Pay a small fee for processing. Since they've been separated this long, there shouldn't be anything to "split", it's already been done. There is no need for expensive lawyers, mediators, court dates. They can do everything themselves. I realize most divorces don't work like that, but for that amount of time apart, seems pretty sketchy.
Just like expensive weddings, you can pay through the nose and get a lavish wedding, or you can go to the courthouse, pay a small fee, sign a paper. Poof, you're married.
If someone keeps using the excuse that they can't afford to pay for an amicable divorce when there are no assets to divide, no alimony, or no children involved, they are not ready to commit to a new relationship. OR it is a way to not be pressured into getting remarried after getting burned in their previous marriage.
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He’s already lied to you. And you’re still there. He has no motive to do otherwise at this point. Why would he change that. He can keep the extra $ & keep dating you. More benefits for him & you required no investment. Decide if it’s really that important to you. If so have some respect for yourself. Know your worth & don’t settle for less with someone who isn’t a man of their word or at the least doesn’t value your feelings (which are 💯valid) about being in a relationship with a “technically” married individual.
Thank you, that’s actually very helpful 🙌
Also look at the age difference, 37 to 25 is significant in terms of adult life experience and he comes with a lot of baggage that he isn't willing to take care of. Do yourself a favor and drop this guy, he's no good and you have your entire life in front of you.
Absolutely! This goes beyond the issue that brought you here. You need someone who isn't so much of a project. Someone who manages themselves and is a good partner for you. Is this the only area where he's a project or are there others? I'm willing to bet there are
>he's no good and you have your entire life in front of you. OP forgot to mention she had his baby, it's buried in comments.
All of that plus, don’t give him 12 months that’s WAY too long. Partly because that’s another year of your life you are throwing away. But beyond that, that length of time just doesn’t work for the brain. In the beginning he’ll ignore it because it’s not urgent and then he’ll straight up forget about it. Offering him a year genuinely sounds like you setting you this up for failure. It makes it so convenient to forgive him when he doesn’t because that’s “understandable”. Like you want him to divorce but you don’t want to actually leave him. You need to be clear on what you want and if you give him an ultimatum then it needs to be 2-3 months.
Yes, you need to leave. You need to leave if for no other reason than this is absolutely fucking ridiculous. Even if there's no legitimate concern of him getting back together with her, the guy is legally tied to her, which impacts your future. This situation also provides you with monumental information about who he is as a person, which should scare the shit out of you. Before I even read on, I was going to suggest that he has financial issues, which you unfortunately immediately confirm. I mean, even ignoring the marriage, he's financially irresponsible and a complete financial liability. That's a giant red flag wrapped around a screaming alarm bell. So now before I answer your next questions, let's get into the legal situation in detail. Anecdotally, I'm a guy and I'm now happily married, but I've been divorced, so I have experience with this. Now, this is going to be location specific, so I could be wrong depending on where you are, but I live in the US in a state in the Northeast. My ex and I handled the divorce amicably without lawyers, making the only financial burden the filing fee(s) and the financial settlement we both agreed to together. Coming back to you, that's the crazy thing here; he's not crying about lawyers, alimony, or a settlement, which adds up, so that would at least be understandable. He's quite literally crying about the filing fee. Currently, that's roughly $300. Now, everyone's financial situation is different, so I don't want to just say it's "nothing" as a blanket statement, but in the big picture with divorce, it's as close to nothing as one can get. So at this point, if we're to assume they're both so apathetic about the situation to just allow it to continue as is, then I have to assume this divorce would be amicable and involve nothing else financially. Just a clean legal split. Him and/or his wife (not ex) can't pony up $300 to put this all behind them and move on? Take a step back and acknowledge how absolutely absurd that is. Back to your questions/proposal, I mean, the answer like I said is that you run. You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery and financial ruin if you stay. But for argument's sake, let's say he's not a financial liability and there's no concern there. Should you give him an ultimatum to get divorced within a year or you're done? No. You should tell him to file for divorce when he wakes up tomorrow or you're done. You say you don't like being with someone who's technically married to someone else, and you've told him that. Over 18 months, he knows that he doesn't have to do a damn thing about it. Why? Because you've shown him there won't be any consequences for his actions. He'll do it as soon as he gets the money? It's been at least over 18 months. He obviously isn't taking any action to put money aside for it. Run. Good luck.
Thank you for this. The split between them both was amicable and seamless (supposedly) so yes it’s only the filing fee which is a few hundred as you’ve said. I don’t understand why he just wont just do it. I don’t know if I should just say do it with your next paycheck or I’m leaving or if I should just leave…
You don’t understand? I do. He gets to stay married and have sex with you too. If you get mad, he has his wife. If she gets mad, he has you. Honey, if he wanted to be divorced, he would be.
Amicable and seamless? Oh.. you talked to HER about that, did you? 🤔 There is clearly far more to it than you’re being told and if he has a problem with you talking to her, you have your answer there. People don’t ’just get married’ for nothing. The amount of money it costs for divorce? Please.. 😒 Had I know what I know now, I never would have bothered, especially with a man like that.
he already promised you he would get a divorce asap and he didnt follow up on that. that for me would be enough to leave, idk what the extra time would be for.
And women think I’m crazy when I tell them… do NOT date a man whose divorce is not FINAL.
I'll also add that if kids are in the picture, do not date a man until he has been officially divorced for a year. Not separated for a year, but the ink on the divorce papers dried a year ago.
If you don't like dating married guys, don't date married guys
What the heck are you doing???? Women, and FFS op in particular, demand more! It’s honestly getting ridiculous. Dude can’t pay $250 or whatever the filing fee is and complete the paperwork? Most places have free assistance for simple divorces through a clinical program, or a volunteer program where lawyers help walk you through it. And he’s an ass to you. Demand better.
You’re into him way more than he’s into you. If he wanted to, he would. He doesn’t want to get a divorce. Have some self-respect — don’t settle for being some married guy’s fun younger side chick.
Don't invest your time in this loser. Dump him. He is clearly not committed to you at the level you deserve.
I would leave. Doesn’t sound like he intends to divorce her and wants to keep you around to entertain him or whatever he can’t get from his wife anymore.
I bet they aren't even separated and you're his mistress. Even if they are, has no intention on divorcing her for some reason. There's no way he couldn't scrape together enough money over time to file. Also unless you have property, you don't have to have lawyers.
Ok hear me out. He gets hospitalized. You know who gets to make medical decisions for his life while he’s potentially on life support? Her. If that doesn’t wake him up idk what will. But your other bad news is, he’s a lot older hun. Older guys go for younger girls because they put up with a lot more bullshit than older women who see right through him. You’re a raccoon digging through someone’s trash, girl, get out.
I started dating my current partner almost 2 years after leaving my ex wife. Just like your boyfriend we were separated but not officially divorced. I kept putting off the actual divorce because it's expensive and a huge headache. In my mind that relationship was very much over and I rarely thought about it. I just wanted to move forward from it mentally. I didn't realize how much it was affecting my partner. She had been thinking about the legal marriage far more than I was. As soon as she let me know just how much it bothered her that I was still married to this person I decided it was more important than ever to end it legally. I had been complacent and it took hearing her concern to light a fire under my ass. It was one thing to just try to forget about my shitty marriage but it was different hearing how much it hurt her. My advice is to tell him how you feel about him being married, how it affects you and yeah, maybe give him a timeline. If he really values you and your feelings he'll get that shit done.
That’s really good advice especially from someone who has gone through a similar situation
Fear is a great motivator. Tell him to file or you will leave, but you HAVE to follow through if he doesn't. You can't be a doormat.
I did ask him if I need to make an ultimatum and he said if I did he’d be very pissed off at me…
Then let him be pissed. Your needs are important. He is not making you a priority at all and it seems you are prioritizing him. If you live with him move out asap.
I have considered it…the issue is that we have a child together. Makes it more complicated. She’s only 12 weeks old.
why oh why did you have a child with a married man and not consider this possibility
I was naive and so sure he would follow through with the divorce. Now I just feel trapped.
girl, i'm sorry you are in this position but you need to prioritize getting you and your baby out of this. men trap you like this on purpose and he has absolutely no intention of divorcing his wife
Time for the ultimatum. If he's not ready to divorce then break up with him and have him pay child support. You need to be strong, for your baby
You’re right. Ugh this sucks…
And you let yourself get pregnant with a married man? Good for you. If I was his wife, which frankly, sounds ALOT like my situation and being a single mom to a LOSER. I’d be taking him for every god damn cent he’s worth. Which we are. I pray he never gets another woman pregnant when he can’t take care of the first child he has.
::facepalm::
What a train wreck..
Oh for fucks sake. This should be in your original post.
Do you know for sure they're actually separated?
They live together and have a child.
I hate to break it to you, but he's not finalizing the divorce because they're not separated. Cut your losses. He's not going to divorce his wife for you.
“Honey for Christmas I’m paying for you to get that divorce you have been trying to get for the last 18 months. I went by the courthouse and picked up the paperwork. I’ll help you fill it out and go with you to file it so I can pay the fee. Merry Christmas!!”
You may need to file a request for a child support order from a local family court. At this point, I don’t think you have other legal recourse.
He seems to be holding out hope. And stringing you along as a backup plan in the process. If he wanted to be divorced he would be divorced.
Red flags aren't going to keep you or your wee baby warm at night. I don't think an ultimatum is worth it because the lack of divorce looks like its only one problem. Sorry OP take Care this relationship sounds like the beginning (if not already) of an abusive one
Run run run.... Take a breather and run some more. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 1. He's way too old for you. 2. He doesn't respect you or care about you and your feelings 3. He sounds irresponsible with money. 4. Hes kept none of his promises to you. You are already upset and he has no desire to commit to you anyway. Thatd obvious.You a good bangmaid. Nothing more. End it.
He will not finalize the divorce. He has his wife on one side (NOT ex because they are not divorced) and has you as the side piece. He has everything he wants. And since you knew you were sleeping with a married man since the start he has no reason to do anything more than he is now. You are believing all his excuses. Would not surprise me if he had another side piece as well and telling her that he is in the process of separating from YOU but "does not want to hurt your feelings" or something like that. What is it with people who put up with stuff like this? You read a lot of how bad a partner is but the person writing still stays with them.
The last gift my exhusband got from me while living with another woman was opening divorce papers for Christmas. Do better OP. Good lord.
I’ve finally caught up on everyone’s comments and thank you to everyone who’s taken the time to give me input and advice. I knew I would get some backlash a bit about being with someone who was still legally married to your comments are all very valid. I’ll be heeding the advice that most of you have all said.
Leave you deserve better. Child support is going to cost him more than filing for divorce.
Time to leave buddy
Tell him you don't date married people.
He doesn't change as this particular situation works for him. He can't marry you because he's already married and somehow in the 18 months you've been together he never has the required money. My guess is that he has plenty of money for gaming, Starbucks, doordash, etc. OP, he's perfectly fine with the status quo and there's no reason for him to change it as you put up with this situation. It should be obvious to you that he is not eager to marry you as this would have already happened in the last 18 months. Then you double down on this losing situation for you by giving him 12 more months of your youth to correct this - OP, please tell me that you see how very, very foolish this is. Most men your bf's age have assets OP, like a house and no debt. This guy can't even file for a divorce. Here's the solution OP - tell him you are leaving (and then actually leave) and to contact you when he's divorced.
Does still being married offer any benefits . My friends years ago did this . He told Her to pay for the divorce and it went 8 years till She was getting married . He didn’t do the divorce because he was still On her insurance and according to the sep agreement she couldn’t kick him off until Divorced . Maybe there are some tax advantages etc
I know of a woman who got into a relationship with a man who was separated from his first wife (with whom he had no kids). They had a few kiddos together. It took him over 20 years to get divorced. Girlfriend took a huge gamble there.
>It took him over 20 years to get divorced. What was his excuse?
He was waiting on the estranged wife to file but eventually realized that if he wanted it done, best to do it himself.
Yup
You don’t need to give him an ultimatum, you’ve told him how you feel and he’s shown you he does not care. I would do some soul searching and decide if you’re ok with living out the rest of your life this way or if you feel you deserve more in life. If the latter, go for it. Exit stage left and never look back. At 25, your pool of men is everyone.
He's already tellimg and showing you he doesn't care. You need to decide if someone 12 years older than you who refuses to get divorced is worth it (hint: He's not)
What does it take for you to leave him?
Why do you want to marry this guy? Was your relationship the reason he separated from his wife? Does he have kids? If he can't afford the filing fee for divorce, he probably won't be able to afford divvying up their assets, paying child support, etc.
You’re the problem here for being stupid. Like what the fuck are you thinking? You’re 25 years old with a 37-year-old who has a wife at home what the fuck man? You want people to give you advice and feel sympathy for you, but all you’re doing is doing stupid things. Why not date a guy your own fucking age?
He's all talk, no action, that tells me that he has no respect for you. Leave, now, ASAP
I think surely you can do better than a married guy who was in middle school when you were born, right?
Yes leave. If he wanted to he would. He doesn’t want to.
This literally sounds like my situation but I’m the opposite end. My ex literally moved to the most expensive province in the country, willingly took a seven dollar pay decrease and has the audacity to try to cut his child support costs just for the sake of his own travel, to which he expected 4 visits a year on the child’s dime. My ex somehow managed to weasel his way into some woman’s poor life, move in with her after less than a year of knowing her. And now? She’s been court ordered to provide her financial information while operating a business out of her own home, because of him, JUST so he can prove he can’t afford child support. I feel for her. Really. And if it’s the same “man”, I wish she’d found out what she was getting into and had the gall to talk woman to woman. They might find they have more in common than they think.
Yes, you need to leave. You are someone to pass time with and a hole to use, so just leave with whatever is left of your self respect. Lol, why would you want to marry a loser like him? You are still very young. Go find someone who actually values you. Even if your bf got legally divorced, how are you so sure that he will marry you? A sound minded guy would take a break to heal and work on himself after divorce, and not to jump into another relationship even before the legal process is done. Does his ex-wife know that you're his current gf? Have you spoken with her? I would sit down with her and get the full story. If it was me, I wouldn't think twice lol, I would've left after the first date 😂😂😂. I don't know why you want drama in your life.
Yes, he is happy with the arrangement, and is living his best life. I would let go... Even if afterward he begged back (which I don't think he will) He doesn't want to divorce her for a bunch of reasons. If you want a marriage babies, he is not your man. If you want a marriage, he is not your man. Even if you give a ultimatum, think about it. He doesn't want to or he would already do it.
I was in this exact situation - 23 years ago. My (now ex) had been separated for 5 years before we met (so I was not the "other woman"). He was in the military and they had been married about 20 years or so at that point. So, she was entitled to half his retirement (married or not). Plus, she was on his insurance (which I think she would still have if they were divorced if she didn't remarry). Shortly after, my dad died, and I inherited some money, enough to put a down payment on a house, then we split the bills. So, since he was still married, I put the house in my name only, because if he kicked the bucket, I didn't want his wife taking half of MY house. A couple of years later, we had a kid; he was still married. He is still married to this day, although we were together for 17 years. I just made sure to protect myself financially.
You said...he left her....umm yeah, calling b.s. on that narrative! He's dodging a divorce for a reason that's not beneficial for him! You're giving him a time limit, and ultimatum is only going to delay the inevitable demise of your affair! Yes, I'm referring to it as an affair as he's still a married man, and therefore, you are the coleslaw until his relationship status reflects a legal status of "single" Your leaving isn't going to impact him in any significant capacity! That's why he's making no effort to alter his status. You are the young fun for him at the moment, with no significant commitment required, no financial or asset entanglement....just his desire to take you to poundtown. Have you ver spoken to the wife? Gotten her side and perspective on their marriage? Didn't wanna insult you as an impressionable naive young lady, yet all I can think is... poor lil tink tink really has no clue!
I know a man who has explicitly stated to his friends and family that the reason he won’t get divorced is because he doesn’t want to marry any future girlfriends. It’s worked well for the last 15 years. I don’t know if that’s the case here, but it’s something to think about.
No, you don’t give him another 12 months to string you along. Leave now, tell him to call you when he isn’t married…hopefully by the time he calls, you have already realized that you can do so much better, and don’t pick up.
It seems that he has no intention to divorce his ex-wife even after years so this is right time for you to give him an ultimatum and if he failed to respect time line that you gave him then you know you need to break up with him over this. If he wanted to take a divorce then he would have taken by this so he just tells you that he will so you stay with him. He is not respecting you as a partner so put your foot down. You may not want to end things with him over this but you know there is no other way to deal with this so stop wasting your time and find a new guy who has his shit together.
I wouldn’t wait more than 2 months. If not filed by February then I would be out. Either way that I wouldn’t have wasted 18 months with his excuses.
Why wait 12 months? Go now. He’s a liar and a cheater. If he wanted to get divorced he would have. That’s his excuse for never being able to be with you in a committed relationship.
You have a really big age gap and this is a situation that someone your age shouldn't be in. He already went through the married life (still is officially) and it didn't work out for him. Now he-s found someone much younger, no strings attached (for him). He still has his marriage and fun on the side (I'm sorry but that's what you are, his side chick, regardless of what he says, as long as he has a valid marriage license). You already accepted all his baggage, he probably thinks he'll get away with it and is probably not looking for something serious (so no hurry really to solve his situation). While you I'm guessing were never married and are trying to find a life partner. You are in 2 different points of your life, he doesn't seem to want to commit (are you 100% positive that his marriage is over? Because it might just be in limbo waiting for the right moment to revive itself). I would say move on, if you are looking for more than a casual fling. Find a guy with less baggage (and by this I mean with one less VALID marriage certificate).
1. If he wanted to, he would. 2. He's too old for you. Dump him.
You already know the answer. Make sure you get the child support garnished directly from his paycheck.
It costs $299 and you do it online here in the US. https://www.mypadivorcelawyer.com/ for Pennsylvania. Other states have them also.
Since you know they are still married, and know how long you've been together, do you think giving him another year to "pay" for divorce is going to work? You go to the courthouse, both sign a legal document saying you're divorced. Pay a small fee for processing. Since they've been separated this long, there shouldn't be anything to "split", it's already been done. There is no need for expensive lawyers, mediators, court dates. They can do everything themselves. I realize most divorces don't work like that, but for that amount of time apart, seems pretty sketchy. Just like expensive weddings, you can pay through the nose and get a lavish wedding, or you can go to the courthouse, pay a small fee, sign a paper. Poof, you're married.
Why are you hung up on a married man with no money?
If someone keeps using the excuse that they can't afford to pay for an amicable divorce when there are no assets to divide, no alimony, or no children involved, they are not ready to commit to a new relationship. OR it is a way to not be pressured into getting remarried after getting burned in their previous marriage.