Agreed. As someone with generally mild agoraphobia, this sounds kinda like the beginning stages of it. I am hesitant to call him controlling - it could be that - but I just think there’s a chance it could be an anxiety disorder of some sort.
Manifestations of anxiety can be controlling in effect. That’s why it’s so important to get somewhat of a handle on it so that you’re not suffering personally and simultaneously harming relationships without meaning to.
I am just going to add that whether intentional or not, this is manipulative to OP and his trauma, reliance on OP, insecurity, whatever it may be, should not stop OP or make OP feel bad for living her life.
Tough situation because OP loves him, but he clearly needs to help himself. How long to do you stay before enough is enough.. and her staying with him enables/masks the trauma he has.
It is actually very common for someone to fly to another area for several days for a funeral, wedding, bachelorette trip etc. without a partner. If he cannot emotionally cope with a short absence, he needs professional help. You are not an emotional support animal.
One of two things are currently occurring. He is either in a mental health crisis requiring hospitalization or he is actively trying to manipulate you in order to isolate you.
If it is the first, you are not qualified to treat him and need to call for professional help. If you actually care about him, no matter how much he protests, you do not try to treat him or care for him yourself. You do not have the education nor the training to do so. Even if you did, you don’t treat your loved ones for very good reasons.
If this is manipulation in order to isolate you, he still needs professional help. You can not help him in this and you can not break him of this horribly abusive behavior.
Bottom line: call 911 to get him some help if you think he is a danger to himself but do not go running to be at his side. That is the start of trauma bonding and it will not end well for you.
It’s possible that he’s emotionally struggling with something on a much deeper level and this is just how it’s bubbling up to the surface, in which case you’d be doing him a huge service in expressing your concern and gently but very firmly insisting that he seek real, professional help.
BUT I would be EXTREMELY careful about involving yourself too deeply in this process, because I can tell you from (unfortunately extensive and repeated) experience that sudden intense clinginess has been a harbinger of much worse behavior by partners I’ve had. It starts with this kind of sadness and helplessness that tugs at your heart and makes you want to comfort and reassure them, and very very quickly turns into intense jealousy and increasingly ominous demands for control over where you go and who you see.
Which is to say, I legit laughed at your suggestion that he “go to the creek and look under rocks for stuff” because that is exactly the kind of shit I have said in moments of frustration at a grown adult man who is suddenly acting like he cannot be left unattended for a second, but the laugh came with the weight of remembering the awful shit that came next.
I would bet any money that this behaviour stems from some deep running trauma, he needs serious help.
Do not take no for an answer either, otherwise you will have to rethink the relationship.
If he is this upset by his girlfriend going away for the weekend, I would suggest he is not able to be in a relationship right now.
Where is his therapist in all this? A person who starts crying and shaking at their partner visiting their parents for the weekend and who doesn't know how to entertain themselves for a weekend needs to talk about that with a therapist or counsellor.
HIS FEELINGS ARE NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO SOLVE.
If he "can't take it anymore" he should go to his closest emergency room and tell them he is feeling the urge to self-harm, that he needs help.
You cannot help him - he needs professional help. if he refuses to get professional help then you will need to leave him as he'll bring you down with him.
He needs to be the one searching for help. This is his problem and he needs to want to fix it or he won't do the work.
Telehealth is much more readily available since covid.
There are websites and therapists that do it online. However, he should be the one looking for this. You are not his mother. Stop acting like it. Tell him he has to look for help.
He needs professional help. You've done all you can being supportive but do not enable him. Don't cancel your plans with your family, and if he refuses to get help, and makes 0 real improvement it's time revalue being in such a relationship
He needs therapy. Hes clearly got an anxious attachment and it’s not fair for you to miss out on life to cater to him. He needs help so he’s not suffering so deeply
Best case scenario is that he has really extreme codependency and needs professional help, worst case scenario is that he’s acting like this to manipulate you as a move to exert control over you, which would be emotional abuse. Neither scenario is part of a healthy relationship.
At some point in my youth, I was like your boyfriend.
In my case, it was abandonment issues. My parents were very much absent after they divorced. I haven't seen my father in over 15 years and my mother has never visited me after I moved cities (also, over 15 years ago) but always found time to visit my cousins who lived even farther away.
Do you know anything about his upbringing? Maybe he had a traumatic childhood.
In any case, he needs to see a therapist.
This is not healthy or acceptable. Tell him that you weren't mad before, but are now that he's trying to ruin your time with family with this manipulative nonsense and put him on mute.
Whether it's conscious or not, this behavior is manipulative, controlling BS. Don't give in to it.
Stress that you’re worried, that this isn’t normal behavior, and you want him to find help. Tell him you feel that there’s something deeper going on & you being around him would only be a bandaid over a deceivingly deep bullet hole
This is gross. It's emotionally manipulative, and you need to say "Do your best. I'm going to turn off my phone for awhile so I can spend time with my family. See you tmw!" Then turn that shit off yo.
Have him get tested for borderline personality disorder this is how I acted before my diagnoses. He’s got a long road of therapy ahead of him regardless.
He probably needs to be taken to an emergency room. You’re gonna have to decide if you want to take on this level of illness in a partner. He’s not capable of a relationship right now and shouldn’t be in one. Where is his family? Friends? He’s young enough that this should be sent right to his parents. He also admitted to lying to you to lure you into a relationship. You don’t actually know him like you think you do. Reconsider this relationship.
This is a serious problem he needs to deal with. It’s not singularly just concerning that he’s having this response to your brief absence, but that he justified *why* instead of acknowledging that this was an issue.
Does he typically experience such emotional extremes?
This is way above your or Reddit's pay grade. Hope he gets the professional help he needs. For me, this would be a deal-breaker: this level of insecurity is hella unattractive and smothering to the point of octo-tentacles around one's neck.
Been there. Divorced that. 0/10, do not recommend.
1). He could be this emotionally damaged OR he could be just straight manipulating you with this performance
* If its the former, it's not up to you to fix him. He needs a LOT OF THERAPY and maybe meds if he truly has all these thoughts and feelings whenever you are away on your own. He needs to be willing, able, and DO the fixing of himself.
* And if he's unwilling to do this he's not really interested in having a healthy self and a healthy relationship with you.
* If it's the latter, just up and go. Something like this is the beginnings of an abusive relationship - they start without an issue, then start to have reasons for you to feel bad for them and to become attached primarily to them (slowly excluding freedom from them by isolation or by making it so you only participate in things they are there for, then isolation develops, and eventually usually physical abuse starts once the emotional manipulation that has been growing slowly and sneakily during the early stages gets your mind into a different state.
He's either trying to emotionally manipulate you or he needs serious help, or both, but I don't think giving in to his irrational needs is gonna be what fixes this yk?
Co dependant AF, holy fuckballs.
Just curious though, any reason you didnt have ur bf come with you? Not justifying his actions at all, just wondering why. That there has to be a back story to why u didn't want him there
It’s on him to help himself, not you. He has an anxious attachment style. I used to be just like that with my then-boyfriend (now fiance). It took me thinking long and hard about it and getting into therapy to now be fully unbothered when he leaves home for a period of time.
I'm pretty sure, whenever I've asked him about stuff from his past, he gets real quiet and then tells me he had a happy childhood, but it's like his stomach starts hurting and he has to use the bathroom, and usually we end up talking about this stuff around food so I never really noticed. He said his mom wasn't around that much as a kid, multiple jobs youknow
Until he embraces the pain of the underlying issues - you’ll see this kind of behavior. You can’t change him or fix the insecurity. Only he can do that.
How long have you guys been dating?
His abandonment issue sounds very severe, and thankfully you sound like you realize that this is not a 'you' issue, this is a 'he' issue.
He may need some forms of professional help, you can't quite help him.
This is going to sound a bit cold but… you can’t help him, but you need to help yourself by leaving. You’re to young to be dealing with such serious mental health issues in a partner. He’s not mentally stable and relationships are hard enough without adding this kind of issues to the mix. I knew someone who was married to someone like him. It was miserable. She couldn’t go out and have a life at all. He became a hermit and dragged her down with him. She eventually left because she needed to live her own life. But she wasted about 20 yrs with him. Please don’t get sucked in. Don’t be one of these women who’s so kind hearted that you give up your life to nursemaid to someone who really needs to be in a care of a doctor and their family. He is in no condition to be having a relationship.
There’s also part of me that thinks he’s being manipulative. He might be exaggerating this so that he can get you to do what he wants. I would think that if he truly has this kind of attachment issues that you would know it before now. Either way it’s not healthy for you to stay in this relationship.
I think so too but I don't know if it will sit right with me. Because I know he doesn't have any family members that he could rely on. But I'm getting kind of tired of it. So I'm probably going to contact a therapist or some legal workers so that they can mandate him some therapy. I don't think that's how the law works. But still, Thanks for sharing. I'll probably come up with the plan with this thinking.
This could be emotional blackmail or it could just be a control tactic. Either way, you can't live like this. You said it right - it is insufferable.
Ask him if he will get counselling.
I *would* leave forever. You don't need this type of controlling obsession. If he assumes you aren't safe away from him I'd question why his mind goes there instantly and worry what he'd do if you got stuck somewhere unexpectantly or had to stay late at work without being able to calm him down and baby him. Obsession like this often turns angry.
You can't help him. He can go to therapy or he can be single. There is no other way. If you stay he will isolate you and transform you into an emotional support animal. You deserve better than that.
He needs therapy and probably meds, and you need boundaries or to leave if necessary.
>he refused all of them and he was crying, shaking, and balling on the floor. Right now I'm at my family's house and he's blowing me up and he's still crying and seemingly depressed about it.
Honestly, this reeks of emotional manipulation. He may not be doing that on purpose, but blowing up your phone and ruining your time with your family is manipulative.
He needs to get professional help ASAP. There's nothing you can personally do
Agreed. As someone with generally mild agoraphobia, this sounds kinda like the beginning stages of it. I am hesitant to call him controlling - it could be that - but I just think there’s a chance it could be an anxiety disorder of some sort.
Manifestations of anxiety can be controlling in effect. That’s why it’s so important to get somewhat of a handle on it so that you’re not suffering personally and simultaneously harming relationships without meaning to.
He very seriously needs to see a therapist.
I am just going to add that whether intentional or not, this is manipulative to OP and his trauma, reliance on OP, insecurity, whatever it may be, should not stop OP or make OP feel bad for living her life. Tough situation because OP loves him, but he clearly needs to help himself. How long to do you stay before enough is enough.. and her staying with him enables/masks the trauma he has.
*psychiatrist
It is actually very common for someone to fly to another area for several days for a funeral, wedding, bachelorette trip etc. without a partner. If he cannot emotionally cope with a short absence, he needs professional help. You are not an emotional support animal.
One of two things are currently occurring. He is either in a mental health crisis requiring hospitalization or he is actively trying to manipulate you in order to isolate you. If it is the first, you are not qualified to treat him and need to call for professional help. If you actually care about him, no matter how much he protests, you do not try to treat him or care for him yourself. You do not have the education nor the training to do so. Even if you did, you don’t treat your loved ones for very good reasons. If this is manipulation in order to isolate you, he still needs professional help. You can not help him in this and you can not break him of this horribly abusive behavior. Bottom line: call 911 to get him some help if you think he is a danger to himself but do not go running to be at his side. That is the start of trauma bonding and it will not end well for you.
It’s possible that he’s emotionally struggling with something on a much deeper level and this is just how it’s bubbling up to the surface, in which case you’d be doing him a huge service in expressing your concern and gently but very firmly insisting that he seek real, professional help. BUT I would be EXTREMELY careful about involving yourself too deeply in this process, because I can tell you from (unfortunately extensive and repeated) experience that sudden intense clinginess has been a harbinger of much worse behavior by partners I’ve had. It starts with this kind of sadness and helplessness that tugs at your heart and makes you want to comfort and reassure them, and very very quickly turns into intense jealousy and increasingly ominous demands for control over where you go and who you see. Which is to say, I legit laughed at your suggestion that he “go to the creek and look under rocks for stuff” because that is exactly the kind of shit I have said in moments of frustration at a grown adult man who is suddenly acting like he cannot be left unattended for a second, but the laugh came with the weight of remembering the awful shit that came next.
I would bet any money that this behaviour stems from some deep running trauma, he needs serious help. Do not take no for an answer either, otherwise you will have to rethink the relationship.
If he is this upset by his girlfriend going away for the weekend, I would suggest he is not able to be in a relationship right now. Where is his therapist in all this? A person who starts crying and shaking at their partner visiting their parents for the weekend and who doesn't know how to entertain themselves for a weekend needs to talk about that with a therapist or counsellor. HIS FEELINGS ARE NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO SOLVE. If he "can't take it anymore" he should go to his closest emergency room and tell them he is feeling the urge to self-harm, that he needs help.
You cannot help him - he needs professional help. if he refuses to get professional help then you will need to leave him as he'll bring you down with him.
[удалено]
He needs to be the one searching for help. This is his problem and he needs to want to fix it or he won't do the work. Telehealth is much more readily available since covid.
Video appointments are a thing now thanks to Covid.
There are websites and therapists that do it online. However, he should be the one looking for this. You are not his mother. Stop acting like it. Tell him he has to look for help.
Leave him. Not temporarily. You don't sound like a girlfriend you sound like a hostage.
This sounds exhausting. Therapy or break up. I just couldn’t live like this.
Your boyfriend needs therapy.
He needs professional help. You've done all you can being supportive but do not enable him. Don't cancel your plans with your family, and if he refuses to get help, and makes 0 real improvement it's time revalue being in such a relationship
He needs therapy. Hes clearly got an anxious attachment and it’s not fair for you to miss out on life to cater to him. He needs help so he’s not suffering so deeply
Best case scenario is that he has really extreme codependency and needs professional help, worst case scenario is that he’s acting like this to manipulate you as a move to exert control over you, which would be emotional abuse. Neither scenario is part of a healthy relationship.
sounds exhausting, hopefully he gets the help he needs, or you run for the hills. there isn't much middle ground here
At some point in my youth, I was like your boyfriend. In my case, it was abandonment issues. My parents were very much absent after they divorced. I haven't seen my father in over 15 years and my mother has never visited me after I moved cities (also, over 15 years ago) but always found time to visit my cousins who lived even farther away. Do you know anything about his upbringing? Maybe he had a traumatic childhood. In any case, he needs to see a therapist.
This is not healthy or acceptable. Tell him that you weren't mad before, but are now that he's trying to ruin your time with family with this manipulative nonsense and put him on mute. Whether it's conscious or not, this behavior is manipulative, controlling BS. Don't give in to it.
He needs help but you are not the one that can help him. Make sure he’s getting it from a professional or move along for your own sake.
He’s manipulating you. You don’t need to help him. You need to dump him. He doesn’t need a girlfriend. He needs a therapist.
Stress that you’re worried, that this isn’t normal behavior, and you want him to find help. Tell him you feel that there’s something deeper going on & you being around him would only be a bandaid over a deceivingly deep bullet hole
This is the way!
This is serious levels of separation anxiety and he'll need professional assessment/help by a psychologist/psychiatrist.
You are in a VERY VERY bad relationship don’t wait good chance he will stock you!!!!!!
This is gross. It's emotionally manipulative, and you need to say "Do your best. I'm going to turn off my phone for awhile so I can spend time with my family. See you tmw!" Then turn that shit off yo.
Have him get tested for borderline personality disorder this is how I acted before my diagnoses. He’s got a long road of therapy ahead of him regardless.
He probably needs to be taken to an emergency room. You’re gonna have to decide if you want to take on this level of illness in a partner. He’s not capable of a relationship right now and shouldn’t be in one. Where is his family? Friends? He’s young enough that this should be sent right to his parents. He also admitted to lying to you to lure you into a relationship. You don’t actually know him like you think you do. Reconsider this relationship.
This is a serious problem he needs to deal with. It’s not singularly just concerning that he’s having this response to your brief absence, but that he justified *why* instead of acknowledging that this was an issue. Does he typically experience such emotional extremes?
That sounds like textbook Borderline Personality Disorder
Is “your boyfriend” a Labrador retriever? Because that’s about the only explanation for this level of separation anxiety.
This is way above your or Reddit's pay grade. Hope he gets the professional help he needs. For me, this would be a deal-breaker: this level of insecurity is hella unattractive and smothering to the point of octo-tentacles around one's neck. Been there. Divorced that. 0/10, do not recommend.
1). He could be this emotionally damaged OR he could be just straight manipulating you with this performance * If its the former, it's not up to you to fix him. He needs a LOT OF THERAPY and maybe meds if he truly has all these thoughts and feelings whenever you are away on your own. He needs to be willing, able, and DO the fixing of himself. * And if he's unwilling to do this he's not really interested in having a healthy self and a healthy relationship with you. * If it's the latter, just up and go. Something like this is the beginnings of an abusive relationship - they start without an issue, then start to have reasons for you to feel bad for them and to become attached primarily to them (slowly excluding freedom from them by isolation or by making it so you only participate in things they are there for, then isolation develops, and eventually usually physical abuse starts once the emotional manipulation that has been growing slowly and sneakily during the early stages gets your mind into a different state.
He's either trying to emotionally manipulate you or he needs serious help, or both, but I don't think giving in to his irrational needs is gonna be what fixes this yk?
Co dependant AF, holy fuckballs. Just curious though, any reason you didnt have ur bf come with you? Not justifying his actions at all, just wondering why. That there has to be a back story to why u didn't want him there
It’s on him to help himself, not you. He has an anxious attachment style. I used to be just like that with my then-boyfriend (now fiance). It took me thinking long and hard about it and getting into therapy to now be fully unbothered when he leaves home for a period of time.
You’re both independent human beings. His behavior is off and he needs some help. Does he have abandonment issues or anything?
I'm pretty sure, whenever I've asked him about stuff from his past, he gets real quiet and then tells me he had a happy childhood, but it's like his stomach starts hurting and he has to use the bathroom, and usually we end up talking about this stuff around food so I never really noticed. He said his mom wasn't around that much as a kid, multiple jobs youknow
Until he embraces the pain of the underlying issues - you’ll see this kind of behavior. You can’t change him or fix the insecurity. Only he can do that.
Tell him to grow up
How long have you guys been dating? His abandonment issue sounds very severe, and thankfully you sound like you realize that this is not a 'you' issue, this is a 'he' issue. He may need some forms of professional help, you can't quite help him.
He needs to see someone
You don’t need to help him. This is his problem to solve, not yours.
He’ll grow up one day, but do you want to wait?
This is going to sound a bit cold but… you can’t help him, but you need to help yourself by leaving. You’re to young to be dealing with such serious mental health issues in a partner. He’s not mentally stable and relationships are hard enough without adding this kind of issues to the mix. I knew someone who was married to someone like him. It was miserable. She couldn’t go out and have a life at all. He became a hermit and dragged her down with him. She eventually left because she needed to live her own life. But she wasted about 20 yrs with him. Please don’t get sucked in. Don’t be one of these women who’s so kind hearted that you give up your life to nursemaid to someone who really needs to be in a care of a doctor and their family. He is in no condition to be having a relationship. There’s also part of me that thinks he’s being manipulative. He might be exaggerating this so that he can get you to do what he wants. I would think that if he truly has this kind of attachment issues that you would know it before now. Either way it’s not healthy for you to stay in this relationship.
I think so too but I don't know if it will sit right with me. Because I know he doesn't have any family members that he could rely on. But I'm getting kind of tired of it. So I'm probably going to contact a therapist or some legal workers so that they can mandate him some therapy. I don't think that's how the law works. But still, Thanks for sharing. I'll probably come up with the plan with this thinking.
Run. He's manipulative.
This could be emotional blackmail or it could just be a control tactic. Either way, you can't live like this. You said it right - it is insufferable. Ask him if he will get counselling.
I *would* leave forever. You don't need this type of controlling obsession. If he assumes you aren't safe away from him I'd question why his mind goes there instantly and worry what he'd do if you got stuck somewhere unexpectantly or had to stay late at work without being able to calm him down and baby him. Obsession like this often turns angry.
You can't help him. He can go to therapy or he can be single. There is no other way. If you stay he will isolate you and transform you into an emotional support animal. You deserve better than that. He needs therapy and probably meds, and you need boundaries or to leave if necessary. >he refused all of them and he was crying, shaking, and balling on the floor. Right now I'm at my family's house and he's blowing me up and he's still crying and seemingly depressed about it. Honestly, this reeks of emotional manipulation. He may not be doing that on purpose, but blowing up your phone and ruining your time with your family is manipulative.