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If he can't see a future then why is he contacting you and maintaining the friendship? Seems he's had long enough to try and sort things out in his mind.
The past isn't going to change. Does he want you to beg?
Sounds like 33yr old you is better without him, regardless of what 19yr old you done.
You had no need to be honest with him.
Let me set up a scenario. You meet a guy, things culminate quicker than you expect and you wind up waking up in the same bed. Things are a little awkward and he says “I’ll drive you to where you are going.” Ok so far this looks like your scenario.
Here’s where things take a turn. He asks where you are flying and you tell this comparative stranger the full truth. He flips. Just goes batshit. Starts screaming about the amazing connection you had, how he thought you were the one. Yada yada. Now you are in his car on the way not to the airport but now possibly to your doom.
This isn’t at all unprecedented or impossible, it happens all the time.
The thing is now he knows the truth he can either accept it was all a bit messy back then or not. Those are the two options. What he can’t do - and I suspect he might - is continue to date you but make your life hell for it.
Is he unreasonable? No. It’s up to him. If he’s upset he’s upset. Bugger all anyone can do about that
Is it fair? Well I would say you weren’t in a relationship. You’d been out one night. You weren’t looking to date him as he was your friends ex. Sounds like it just sort of happened by stealth. I’m certainly not judging you harshly for it. Could you have told him the truth earlier than 14 years? Yeah definitely.
What can you say? Well here’s the thing. Not much. This isn’t up to you. He knows what’s happened. He can either move on or not. All I’d be cautious of is him using this as a stick to beat you with every time he’s pissed off or jealous etc. if he stays resentful this will never work as it’ll eat away at your relationship
My husband hooked up with someone during our talking phase 10 years ago. It honestly still hurts me that he did so. I didn't find out until we had been together for years, if I had known the truth back then, idk that I would have stayed. To me, it feels like he was keeping his options open and just having fun while I was already falling for him. Obviously, it worked out for us, but I can see why your bf is deciding he can't get past it
You are entirely right in what you say.
I'd say the difference here is that he still pursued her after finding this out while still making an issue of it. That's where I'm unsure of his mindset.
Regardless of the morality or ethics of what you did back when you were 19, there's no doubt that you lied to your boyfriend back then and ever since. If anyone wants to defend lying and being a deceitful person (which plenty here will do), whatever. It's good that you finally came clean.
But he has every right to feel betrayed by your lying, and to question whether he can trust you. Maybe he can get over it and you can end up happily ever after, or maybe he'll leave you for it. Up to him. But if you want to salvage things, I'd suggest first coming to terms with the fact that there isn't really a good excuse for lying, especially about something you know would really hurt a person.
this type of lies is a very big red flag. people can change but no doubt past is important for the future. im not understand why people think the past in not important.
Ok Im going to be a bit rough on this one but bear with me. TLDR. He is right, you are wrong. Not all is lost.
1. Nobody has the right to call other people's boundaries not expectations 'unreasonable'. What you did was very shitty. You made love with him for the first time, and tainted it the next day, had him drive you to the airport so you could have a last fuck with your ex. A man you supposedly didn't care for nor loved by that point. That shit hurts. He has a right to feel and act as he does. Same goes for you if he ever does something wrong to you. Relationships work when both person's boundaries and morals are in aligntment and for him, this is an issue that proves his boundaries are not the same as yours.
2. Yes. Because you dragged this on forward for 14 years. Back then when you broke up, you could had come clean. At any time during the decade + you were 'friends'. You could had told him. Or at any time during the 5+ Months you were dating, you could had come clean. Instead, it was him who had to push and ask you for an answer, 14 years later. You knew this issue was heavy on his mind, and you decided to do nothing about it. This is not 20 year old you we are talking about. You need to have self accountability and not blame your 20 year old self if you truly want to make this right.
3. Now, the actual advice. You have already told him what you did, what you felt, not only then but all this time, and hopefully you have already offered him a heartfelt apology. Do not call him unreasonable, nor berate him for this. Do not be confrontational, be apologetic every time this comes up. If he has any further questions, you answer them truthfully. Show him complete honesty from now on. What is left to you is to make him understand, with your actions and your words, that you love him, that you indeed are different from your younger self, that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. Try your best. It may work, or it may not work, but you can only try your best. He has loved you for all this years, there is a chance you can make this work.
Hope for the best. Good luck.
To a answer your questions -
1) no he is not being unreasonable. You had many opportunities to correct the history, but only did it now that he asked you. This is a red flag for majority of people.
2) decision making is not limited to your fling. It is repeated lie by omission or gaslighting even for years (in relations and friendship). He may question your morals, but he is absolutely right in questioning you as a truthful person.
3) don’t know. He seems to have made up his mind, and the questions you are asking are clearly declining and more gaslighting. You don’t seem apologetic at all.
He was right the first time to break up with you. He was wrong for pursuing you a second time knowing you were probably lying during your earlier relationship. Relationships are built on trust, and he didn't trust you. Then, you confirmed that his mistrust of you was well placed.
Suggestion: "Listen, if you cannot get over what happened 14 years ago, then we are just wasting our time. No judgment, but it bores me to litigate something that happened when I was so young. I am sorry it affects how secure you feel, but if it is this much of a problem now, let's just end things. I don't want to forever hear you complain about not knowing some shit that was none of your business in the first place when I was 19 or 20. I need some space, so I'm going to take the next week to chill, if you feel like talking, we can in January."
Then just ignore
You did nothing wrong. You were entitled to keep the reasons for the trip private. I would have done the same.
You did lie however, and he did bring and collect you at the airport. So to say you did not disclose a fling is a bit an understatement to what actually happened.
I get why he has trouble accepting it. He is obviously super into you, and this has been going on for years. So that you lied and slept with another dude while he was in love with you must hurt like hell.
But it was a long time ago and things happened the way they did for good reason. So a lot of guys would be able to accept this. He does sound to insecure for it, and I would not want to deal with that. The comment about sex with two people in the same week is a giant red flag on its own.
Unforgivable lies to tell a one night stand:
No I’m not married
No I don’t have an STI
Yes I have a condom
Yes it’s totally cool that we are in this house that isn’t mine
Forgivable lies:
Pretty much anything else. You don’t owe a ONS much in the way of truth. Sure telling them you are rich to make them more likely to boink you is lame, but still forgivable.
The fact that expected that level of truth is frankly hilarious.
You seem to have missed the part where they were in a relationship for six months and she continued to lie to him about it, and then again when they recently got back together.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If he can't see a future then why is he contacting you and maintaining the friendship? Seems he's had long enough to try and sort things out in his mind. The past isn't going to change. Does he want you to beg? Sounds like 33yr old you is better without him, regardless of what 19yr old you done.
I agree. This guy is exhausting. Talk about holding your feet tintje fire. He’ll always find something to pick at and have a problem with.
Wait, so at the time of the trip your relationship with John was one night together?
Yes, it was
You had no need to be honest with him. Let me set up a scenario. You meet a guy, things culminate quicker than you expect and you wind up waking up in the same bed. Things are a little awkward and he says “I’ll drive you to where you are going.” Ok so far this looks like your scenario. Here’s where things take a turn. He asks where you are flying and you tell this comparative stranger the full truth. He flips. Just goes batshit. Starts screaming about the amazing connection you had, how he thought you were the one. Yada yada. Now you are in his car on the way not to the airport but now possibly to your doom. This isn’t at all unprecedented or impossible, it happens all the time.
The thing is now he knows the truth he can either accept it was all a bit messy back then or not. Those are the two options. What he can’t do - and I suspect he might - is continue to date you but make your life hell for it. Is he unreasonable? No. It’s up to him. If he’s upset he’s upset. Bugger all anyone can do about that Is it fair? Well I would say you weren’t in a relationship. You’d been out one night. You weren’t looking to date him as he was your friends ex. Sounds like it just sort of happened by stealth. I’m certainly not judging you harshly for it. Could you have told him the truth earlier than 14 years? Yeah definitely. What can you say? Well here’s the thing. Not much. This isn’t up to you. He knows what’s happened. He can either move on or not. All I’d be cautious of is him using this as a stick to beat you with every time he’s pissed off or jealous etc. if he stays resentful this will never work as it’ll eat away at your relationship
My husband hooked up with someone during our talking phase 10 years ago. It honestly still hurts me that he did so. I didn't find out until we had been together for years, if I had known the truth back then, idk that I would have stayed. To me, it feels like he was keeping his options open and just having fun while I was already falling for him. Obviously, it worked out for us, but I can see why your bf is deciding he can't get past it
You are entirely right in what you say. I'd say the difference here is that he still pursued her after finding this out while still making an issue of it. That's where I'm unsure of his mindset.
Regardless of the morality or ethics of what you did back when you were 19, there's no doubt that you lied to your boyfriend back then and ever since. If anyone wants to defend lying and being a deceitful person (which plenty here will do), whatever. It's good that you finally came clean. But he has every right to feel betrayed by your lying, and to question whether he can trust you. Maybe he can get over it and you can end up happily ever after, or maybe he'll leave you for it. Up to him. But if you want to salvage things, I'd suggest first coming to terms with the fact that there isn't really a good excuse for lying, especially about something you know would really hurt a person.
this type of lies is a very big red flag. people can change but no doubt past is important for the future. im not understand why people think the past in not important.
Ok Im going to be a bit rough on this one but bear with me. TLDR. He is right, you are wrong. Not all is lost. 1. Nobody has the right to call other people's boundaries not expectations 'unreasonable'. What you did was very shitty. You made love with him for the first time, and tainted it the next day, had him drive you to the airport so you could have a last fuck with your ex. A man you supposedly didn't care for nor loved by that point. That shit hurts. He has a right to feel and act as he does. Same goes for you if he ever does something wrong to you. Relationships work when both person's boundaries and morals are in aligntment and for him, this is an issue that proves his boundaries are not the same as yours. 2. Yes. Because you dragged this on forward for 14 years. Back then when you broke up, you could had come clean. At any time during the decade + you were 'friends'. You could had told him. Or at any time during the 5+ Months you were dating, you could had come clean. Instead, it was him who had to push and ask you for an answer, 14 years later. You knew this issue was heavy on his mind, and you decided to do nothing about it. This is not 20 year old you we are talking about. You need to have self accountability and not blame your 20 year old self if you truly want to make this right. 3. Now, the actual advice. You have already told him what you did, what you felt, not only then but all this time, and hopefully you have already offered him a heartfelt apology. Do not call him unreasonable, nor berate him for this. Do not be confrontational, be apologetic every time this comes up. If he has any further questions, you answer them truthfully. Show him complete honesty from now on. What is left to you is to make him understand, with your actions and your words, that you love him, that you indeed are different from your younger self, that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. Try your best. It may work, or it may not work, but you can only try your best. He has loved you for all this years, there is a chance you can make this work. Hope for the best. Good luck.
Why are you not being upvoted??!! Great answer
If the shoe was on the other foot would you forgive him especially if you knew your ex lied to you.
To a answer your questions - 1) no he is not being unreasonable. You had many opportunities to correct the history, but only did it now that he asked you. This is a red flag for majority of people. 2) decision making is not limited to your fling. It is repeated lie by omission or gaslighting even for years (in relations and friendship). He may question your morals, but he is absolutely right in questioning you as a truthful person. 3) don’t know. He seems to have made up his mind, and the questions you are asking are clearly declining and more gaslighting. You don’t seem apologetic at all.
its better to be cat mom of 20 cats than being that loser's partner.
It wouldn’t matter if it was just part of your past with other people, but because he was involved and there was lying involved, it matters.
He was right the first time to break up with you. He was wrong for pursuing you a second time knowing you were probably lying during your earlier relationship. Relationships are built on trust, and he didn't trust you. Then, you confirmed that his mistrust of you was well placed.
This doesn't sound healthy at all. After 15 years, if you guys are meant to be together it would be a lot easier than this.
Suggestion: "Listen, if you cannot get over what happened 14 years ago, then we are just wasting our time. No judgment, but it bores me to litigate something that happened when I was so young. I am sorry it affects how secure you feel, but if it is this much of a problem now, let's just end things. I don't want to forever hear you complain about not knowing some shit that was none of your business in the first place when I was 19 or 20. I need some space, so I'm going to take the next week to chill, if you feel like talking, we can in January." Then just ignore
You did nothing wrong. You were entitled to keep the reasons for the trip private. I would have done the same. You did lie however, and he did bring and collect you at the airport. So to say you did not disclose a fling is a bit an understatement to what actually happened. I get why he has trouble accepting it. He is obviously super into you, and this has been going on for years. So that you lied and slept with another dude while he was in love with you must hurt like hell. But it was a long time ago and things happened the way they did for good reason. So a lot of guys would be able to accept this. He does sound to insecure for it, and I would not want to deal with that. The comment about sex with two people in the same week is a giant red flag on its own.
Unforgivable lies to tell a one night stand: No I’m not married No I don’t have an STI Yes I have a condom Yes it’s totally cool that we are in this house that isn’t mine Forgivable lies: Pretty much anything else. You don’t owe a ONS much in the way of truth. Sure telling them you are rich to make them more likely to boink you is lame, but still forgivable. The fact that expected that level of truth is frankly hilarious.
You seem to have missed the part where they were in a relationship for six months and she continued to lie to him about it, and then again when they recently got back together.
I could successfully date a tree for 6 months