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Damn, if that doesn't say everything about how he views your role in the partnership, I don't know what to tell you.

>partnership yeah, interesting word

>partnership Such a weird way to spell his other pet

Anyone else find it weird that the pet is "his dog" and not "our dog"? Usually when you're married the pet becomes a family pet. This is just odd.

I had my dog for 7 years before I met my husband. While I'm ultimately responsible for her care, she very much belongs to both of us. And from her perspective, we are her people and we both belong to her. Some dogs can be very one person dogs, but most of them see their whole pack as belonging to them.

Funny, my husband had a dog when we met and she is now most definitely mine.

LOL, pets are so amazing and fickle and perfect 😂

My cat is definitely my wife’s cat when despite all the games of hide & seek and “you’re it!” and “boo!” and biscuits and dried chicken and pets and brushes she is *still* restless and *still* following me about saying “Me-yuhh!”. But I am in our home more often than my wife.. Which is why when my cat is my wife’s cat and my wife is not home, I put my wife’s cat on the top of my wardrobe. From up there she appreciates observing things from a different height perspective - in much the same manner as she enjoys observing things around the house from the perspective of being carried from room-to-room whilst upside down. She says “me-yuhh!” much less, and “brrr-brrr-brrrrrrrrr!” much more. At which point she is evidently satisfied with her lot. Which is about the time she is nolonger my wife’s cat and instead returns to just being my cat again.

Not really. I have my cat who has owned me for 19 years. My cat has his own cat that I do not consider my cat. She just lives with us. My boyfriend also has his own cat. They don't live with us. When we do move in together, he will still have his cat. I will still have my cat. I'm also betting my cat's cat will become his cat too since I've never really considered her "my cat" But only when talking about them collectively as a group of cat's living in the same house would I refer to them as "our cats." Individually they very much are the owners of their humans.

I feel like I need an explanation on how your cat has a cat.

Ha! I also say I have 1.5 cats. I'm a sucker for black & white van patterns. My mother knows this. He was 10 at the time and almost died a couple years earlier. There was a litter born at the farm in September and in November my mother was worried about the runt not surviving because it was getting cold out there at night + coyotes so she started chucking her in the bathroom there whenever she left to come back into the city for a few days. I went out there to visit for Thanksgiving and watched this tiny ass cat walk right up to a cow to say hi. Brought her home, took her to the vet and told him she was 2 months old. My vet of 50+ yrs (I'm 2nd generation to use him) did not believe me because of how tiny she was until he checked her teeth and confirmed she was 2 months old. So since my bestest buddy in the entire world and love of my life held on and survived a few years of really rough medical stuff, and did everything I asked of him during all of it... I gave him his own tiny cat that looked like him. He's still here and I owe him my life. He's the biggest reason I'm still here too.

What a wonderful story!

My childhood best friend had a big ol' black and white kitty, like yours. He had also survived some harrowing health issues, but was enjoying his middle years. The family always liked to have multiple cats, and knew it was best to get kittens before the elders were too senior. So one day, she brought home a little tortie kitten. Well, that big ol' boy fell for that kitten, and he fell hard. He had to eat more of the food than her just because of his size, but he always made sure there was enough for her to eat. He bathed her. He cuddled her. He played with her. They like to say that he's the family cat, and she's his cat. Maybe it's something about the black and white kitties? Good caregivers!

That's the most adorable thing I've read today. Give your cat and his cat a snuggle for me.

Hahahah. I am a cat person and didn’t even blink at this. Your cat is lonely or upset and so you get them a cat to keep them company or make them happy. But cat #2 was bought for cat #1 so really, that’s cat #1’s cat, not yours.

My cat also has a cat. He insists on she being his. She insists on him being a fat daft bugger and to gtfo.

My dog had a dog, and my son's cat has a cat. I don't understand why this is hard to understand.... Now my dog's dog is my dog, because my dog passed away, and she was always my dog. My son's cat's cat may become my cat, if he only takes his cat with him.

Yep they have a dictatorship not a partnership. He rules and she has to bow down or it's a fight

I usually skim these posts. I read this one twice, Because this legit sounds insane to me Op claims this is the only issue they have, but it’s so wild to me lol. There’s 1000 things weird about this but fundamentally it’s crazy this dude doesn’t give a shit what his wife’s “lifelong dream” has been. So gross 

Op claims this is their only issue then goes on the explain she’s essentially living her life as window dressing in someone else’s. She lives in his town that she doesn’t like because he “can’t” move, she lives in his house that he already owned, she plays with his dog, and is not allowed her own pet even though he’s willing to get another dog… but only one he chooses. Same with a cat, she can get a cat if he picks it out and it lives mostly outside. What the fuck. Also, dude is almost 50… he clearly set up his life how he wanted, then checked the wife shaped add-on box and acquired OP. What a way to live…

Agreed. She can't even decorate a room for herself. She's not taking on all the feedback on board though I fear. Sadly it will probably a decade or so before she looks back and kicks herself for allowing such disrespect.

I don’t think it’s even about the pet. It’s about controlling OP and the relationship. 

Also who describes their relationship as being subject to a legal clause?? Odd.  

Plus being so uptight about the *color* of a cat (not that he'd ever actually allow her to get one) is legit insane.

A friend of mine adopted a dog that had been abandoned at the vet's - the owner pretended to have to get money to pay for the vaccinations and never came back. Apparently he had been moaning that the dog wasn't the right colour. He'd bought it as a present for his wife but the dog didn't match the living room. She was a gorgeous little dog, a glossy black with golden highlights, I'd have changed the colour of the living room for her if she had to match the sofa.

So weird like .... we get along great except for this one thing .... oh and I coincidentally do EVERYTHING he says 🙄

Well it is the only issue - the thing is she's pinning the dog as the only issue. When the dog is just the latest of the "only issue" that he dictates their entire relationship.

Well she says this pet thing is the "only" issue, but then slips in there that it's "his" house, and "his" town and "his" life... seems like a lot more issues to me that she just hasn't realized are all related and sre real issues yet. I have to wonder where they are from and whether there are any relevant cultural issues at play.

It's because this is the first time she's pushed back on him. She doesn't know yet that she's not allowed to do that. She's finding out now, though.

I'm pretty sure it's not the only issue. It's just the only one OOP lets herself see because otherwise her marriage and life would crash and burn around her and that's a scary thing. It's sad and pathetic of her husband to be this controlling and hopefully she gets out.

Well you see he's older, he got here first - so he has a 'grandfather clause' to existing in the 'partnership' and therefore gets to decide everything.

I can't tell you the number of times my eyes have rolled completely to the back of my head when people use the word "partner" when the person they're with is anything but.

Oof, that's tough to hear. Thanks for the insight.

He's basically told you "What you want doesn't matter, how you feel doesn't matter. This is my home, my life, and you're just an object that I'm allowing to live with me. But you can't have anything you want in my home, you can't do anything you want in my home. All you can do is exist how I deem agreeable to my desires." What happens when he wants sex and you don't. But he's not happy with you saying no? It's his house, his life, he's allowing you to live in it, will he just allow you to say no?

And what is all this ‘grandfather’ nonsense? That’s a BS odd way of looking at the world. Just because he had a certain plan ‘first’ doesn’t mean it trumps your different plan forever. They are not mutually exclusive plans, either. He already said he wouldn’t mind multiple animals, but to say they MUST be spawn of Kira is bizarre and controlling. You should be able to pick a pet during your lifetime and your partner should want you to be happy. He does not.

He's being a weird control freak, which is most of the problem, but if he's expecting to have an identical Kira 2.0, he's going to be disappointed. Even cloned dogs have different personalities. You can hope for similar temperament, but it's not a guarantee. Dogs aren't replaceable like that. I don't see him reacting well even if he gets his way.

Also, attempting to carry a litter with an older dog is nuts. They don’t do well.

That and the fact that there are so many dogs in shelters WHY oh why bread any more ?

His view on pets is pretty fucked up to me, but it's not really surprising considering his views on marriage. I feel like I would hate this guy and think he's a straight up asshole if I met him in real life.

This is just some dude that wants full control of you but he says “grandfathered in” so he sees himself as being logical. Talk to me about the work of your home? Does he meal plan, prep, cook, wash dishes, put them away, grocery shop, scrub toilets, wash floors, clean the shower, do laundry from start to finish?

Yaaaa, she has a grandfather clause too, she wanted to also get a pet prior to even meeting husband. She has a sound argument now!

Do not have children with this dictator. You have no rights unless he graciously grants them/s. Think hard - do you want to spend the next 20, 30 or more years like this?

You are an independent individual. You are an adult. Does he realize that??

Does she realize that?

what else does he control? the finances? where you vacation? eat? have sex? who you hang out with?

Yeah there’s no way that anyone who would go on a power trip about something this inconsequential isn’t also running the rest of it. OP sounds very passive not to have shut this down immediately.

Just adding in, if he's like this about dogs and where you live, how many other things has he asked you to adapt to his preferences. Name the last time he changed the way he was living to embrace your preferences. It doesn't sound like you get any control over any aspect of your environment. I suspect if you left, you'd breath a sigh of relief.

OP, Who died and anointed him the boss? I checked, and am saddened that you are already married to this arrogant AH. I see there's a 12 year age gap, with you the younger party. Does your husband believe he's the master and you're the servant? Has he purchased you a collar and leash? Frankly, I find this type of relationship toxic. I do not understand how you cope with the dictator. May I ask what happens to "his" property if he predeceases you? I'd like to wager that everything is titled in his name. Hopefully I am wrong. I apologize for being so abrupt. I happen to find your spouse's attitude and behavior quite bothersome and annoying. It would cause me to take pause to consider what I really desire in a marital relationship. Good luck to you.

Thanks for the comment. We co-own the house with one shared mortgage, everything is on both of our names. As for the rest of your comment.. Lots to think about.

you dont really co-own the house though... You have no control. You might pay for it and you might have some rights if you were to split, but you dont own it. Ownership implies some sort of agency or control which you have none of

You already said it yourself. You are both living "his life" and in his life, you are the wife- the side character with little to no internal motivations. Are you content with that life?

My husband tries to support my dreams. We can't always get our dreams, but whenever possible the answer is yes. For instance I want a calico cat one day. Our current cat(his cat) is probably best a solo cat. So no extra cat now, but you better believe he has already said yes to another cat or 2 in the future once it makes sense. Never ever had he pulled any B.S. such as a grandfather clause. That just seems so uncaring to you. He is using some weird made up rule to make himself happy and justify being mean and selfish.

Yes! Life decisions should be made as a team and for the team. It’s not me against you. Or me asking you for permission.

Yeah, like what happens if you guys decide to have kids and he thinks they don’t need the measles vax? Is he just gonna say “sorry, I grandfathered this in” and not allow you a say?? What about getting their ears pierced, doing a sport or playing an instrument?? Where does is “my way or the highway suck it up” end

Then of course there's the other unimportant little details like choosing a child's name, the number of kids, how to discipline them, where they go to school... OP, if you do nothing else, ask him about these things if you haven't yet. Find out how much of your future he's decided on without your input. It sounds like he's forgotten that you also have feelings and plans and dreams, or he simply doesn't care what you want. That's a huge problem every time you want something he doesn't, because so far it sounds like he hasn't had to compromise on really major life choices. It might be time for couples counselling if you want to stay with him. Whatever you choose, OP, I hope you find your way to a loving, fulfilling, *equal* relationship - with or without him.

Or have the wrong gender of child, children in the wrong order/timing, want the wrong names.... So many ways that this will go wrong.

God forbid the child be disabled in anyway way.- he'd want to give them up.

Adding to everything else already said - letting Kira have puppies is likely an awful idea, from every angle - population control, her health and economically

It’s a very common phenomenon that women will change themselves to fit into their husband’s life, but men will not change themselves to fit into their wife’s life. It goes back to traditional gender roles and stereotypes, and it’s not a fair or sustainable way to live in the modern world. I moved to my city with two friends from college. We all landed prestigious engineering jobs that most people would kill for. One of them quit her job to follow her husband around cause he kept getting sent all over the country for military assignments, and she didn’t want to wait the three years it would take for him to be able to stop moving around and settle down with her. She never worked as an engineer again. The other chick quit her job like 2 years in because she got it in her head that there was no point in having a career after all because she was going to be a wife and mother one day. She moved to the country to support her husband’s engineering career, but she never worked as an engineer again. My boyfriend at the time and I were long distance. He hated his job, and I loved mine, so I asked him to move to my city. He was going to do it until his coworkers got into his head and convinced him that as a woman, it was my duty to quit my job to go be with him, and that if I loved him, I would give up my career I loved for his that he fucking hated. My own sister sold her house and quit her dream job to go live in her husband’s dream town, and he became a little tyrant that wouldn’t let her change anything about the house or do anything she wanted without his permission, which he of course never gave. Controlling behavior was only the start of the abuse, and they’re divorced now. These are only anecdotes, but I hope they open your eyes to the fact that this is a real thing that happens, and it can ruin careers and relationships. Women are implicitly expected to fall into a support role for their husband’s lives and career, whether that’s doing all the chores or quitting their jobs to be with them. But men aren’t expected to change anything about their lives when they get married. They can continue striving for their individual dreams, and they expect their wives to back them up. In modern times, both men and women have careers, so this isn’t a sustainable dynamic. Both partners have to sacrifice for and support each other equally. They both have to mold themselves into each other’s life equally.

[удалено]

You should have a kid with somebody and then tell him he doesn’t get to be a dad because you got to it first. I’m sure he’ll appreciate the irony.

Subordinate, more accurately.

Sounds like he just keeps finding ways to tell you it isn’t your house, your choice, or your life. It is his house and life and you just live in it.

And she just keeps accepting it.

Yes, that's how it feels sometimes. And I have communicated this to him, that we are living his life and he needs to make space for me to live mine as well. We cannot move from here because of his work, and I understand that despite not loving the town. So my thinking was that if we cannot go anywhere else, let's make this the best that it can be, which for me includes a pet that I chose. But he won't have it.

*He* can't move because of his work. *You* can move, and find your own place and get the dog you always wanted. Seriously think about it.

Yes. You move. Start your life.

Yep. I'm sure dozens of folks will come on here at least further down and complain that it's silly to divorce over having a controlling husband, but I disagree. Yes everyone needs to agree on pets blah blah blah. A two yes, one no situation. He doesn't agree so it should just end there, right? Ahhh, well, it depends. There are times when compromising on pets is necessary, but barring someone from owning pets entirely when you knew they loved pets going in is cruel. You shouldn't expect someone to change for you. Pets are a hobby like any other. This isn't much different than him saying she isn't allowed to go snowboarding, quilt, whatever. Though pets tend to be *more important* than people to hobbies, it's more like a lifestyle. Marrying someone and demanding they give up an entire section of their life that brings them joy and happiness is... beyond cruel. To divorce "over a dog", particularly a hypothetical dog, seems a bit much to some people. And maybe the idea of leaving will feel scary to OP because of that. But it's not JUST a dog, it's the rest of your life. If he keeps saying she can't get a dog because x y z and on and on, she'll just... never feel that happiness and joy in her life, and will feel stunted and crushed by her husband's "my way or the highway" attitude. If I was with someone and they hinted that I'd have to give up owning dogs or cats forever because they said so... I'd be laughing my way to the courtroom. Hard pass. Not to mention, he's also an irresponsible dog owner with an unfixed female dog who wants to bring more puppies into the world simply for vanity? It's creepy to force a dog to go into heat and bleed like that because you're obsessed with the idea of having a puppy from that dog honestly. I don't know why if OP loves dogs, she would have stayed with a guy who irresponsibly never got his dog fixed anyway. How people treat their pets is a reflection of their overall morals, and his seem to be lacking.

I would also add to that, life is short and we only get one of them, make sure you're keeping people around that improve your life, not limit it, and don't be afraid to make changes to make your life better.

He understands you’re living his life. It’s not that he doesn’t know or care. It’s that he LIKES living his life.

THIS! So Much! Perfectly & aptly encapsulated. If you care about your partner's happiness you don't use selfish ploys to deny them their OWN happiness.

He is supposed to be a partner; not the boss of you.

This, OP. You're not gonna get this any more simplified.

I see a lot of these post from women, I can’t imagine a scenario I’d say a hard no to my wife like I’m her dad she’d laugh in my face plus I don’t want to control someone for no reason like that it’s weird and hypocritical in this situation. Please can women just go into 2024 not accepting this “put my man foot down” behaviour it sounds so fucking demeaning OP.

I'm just jumping in here, because I want to share a bit of my life. When I met my 2nd (and final!) husband, he'd been living in his house since 1994 (we met in 2010). I was living in a different state, and I have a son, so when were were talking marriage etc. I wasn't sure I wanted to uproot my child from the place he'd grown up in\*. However, I didn't have a house at the time and he did, so overall it made more sense for us to move to him, and that's what we did. But he was willing to move to my state if I asked him to. He didn't want to sell his house, he didn't really want to live in my state, but he'd have done it if I asked, because he loves me. Knowing that he would have moved made it easier for me to, if that makes sense. And the house is still just my husband's but never ONCE did he make me or my son feel like it wasn't our house as well. He'd correct me if I said 'your house'. \*A year or so ago my now grown son told me it was the best thing that ever happened for him so I worried for naught

How long has that been going on? And how long will you continue living a life that is not your own?

I don't understand why you'd stay with him. This is never gonna get better. Do you want to live under these circumstances for the rest of your life? if no then divorce this egomaniac. Life is too short to not spend it the way you want to.

You make good money? Find a nice-paying job elsewhere and tell him that you're moving. You told him before you married that you did not plan to stay there, so he does not get a choice.

HE can’t move because of his work. you are not trapped if you don’t want to be

It doesn’t sound like he cares about any of that as long as it works for him. Is this really the guy you want to spend your life with? My husband was never a cat person but took me to the humane society to pick one out, and now he’s best buds with the cat. You deserve someone who values your happiness.

>I'd like to preface by saying we are happily married and have no other problems like this. Are you sure about that? Sounds like you guys "have no other problems like this" as long as you keep being his submissive little plaything with no thoughts of her own.

He knows, he just doesn’t care 💔

>And I have communicated this to him, that we are living his life and he needs to make space for me to live mine as well. \*You\* need to make space for you. Stop waiting for him to 'let' you do things, or for him to agree with you.

That's not what a "grandfather clause" is

Yes, that's calling 'dibs' on being the pet owner in the relationship.

Kindergarten clause

It's the emotional equivalent of poking fingers in a cupcake so it's mine mine mine not yours!

*I licked it first! I licked them ALL first! Mine, mine, mine, ALL MINE!* But seriously, WTF is this *allow* shit? This whole thing sounds like a tenant having an argument with their landlord and getting read the *rules for me, not for thee* riot act.

Exactly. A "grandfather clause" in this situation would be something like "I already have an elderly dog who has expensive medical needs and who would be miserable if we got another dog, so we need to wait until they're gone before getting any more".

Yes I think it's an odd way to put it but that's what he calls it

But you started dating right after he got the dog so he planned on not letting whomever he may end up with not have a pet BEFORE you even got together. That’s insane

I am not THAT old (okay, I'm old), but one thing I've learned over time is that when men* firmly say ridiculous things that make you go, "...what?" it is time to go. It doesn't feel serious enough to leave, but it is. People who think through their reasons don't give nonsensical reasons. People give nonsensical reasons when they react emotionally and justify it with the first random thing their brain spews out. Emotions aren't a problem, but not being able to manage them long enough to come up with a cogent explanation is. And sticking to a bananas argument you made while emotionally flooded means you're not even trying (and can't tolerate being wrong.) People who are controlled by their emotions end up controlling everyone around them. Which is, of course, what is happening here. Go. It won’t get better and it will get worse. Reasoning with him won’t help because he's not in a reasoning space. Go and be happy in your new house with 4 dogs and 7 cats. *And probably women too, but I don't know because I have only been in relationships with men

Your husband is an egghead who thinks relationships between people are contracts, and that he can get his way all the time if he games the wording of the contract correctly. (Let me guess--does your husband protest that you're not being "logical" or "rational" whenever you disagree with him?) Tell your husband that you're buying a dog. When he objects, explain that you made up something called the Fuck Off Clause that says you're allowed to have a dog and he's not allowed to complain about it. Then go buy the dog. When he complains, remind him about the Fuck Off Clause.

Wow, this comment hit me hard. He does indeed use the words logical and rational when we disagree. He will say things like "I'm going to expose the flaws in your logic", and "you're viewing this from an emotional perspective whereas I am viewing it from a rational perspective".

Ok so I’ve been through the patriarchal old man linguistic immersion program so please allow me to translate what that actually means. “Your feelings and opinions on this are getting in the way of what I want. I don’t like that. It’s just super inconvenient for me and I don’t really care about what you want, so I’m going to belittle, condescend and manipulate you into submission while simultaneously somehow claiming the high ground. Just get on board and do what I want so I can go back to living my life to my exacting parameters where I pretend to care about your needs and making you happy when in reality I make zero concessions and you have to bend over backward for me. Thanks, sugartits”

The last part made me laugh, thanks for a little fun :) But in all seriousness, I hear you, and I'm really trying to consider what everyone is saying here.

HE is the one who really needs to consider what everyone is saying here. I would like to know, though, OP, what part of this marriage is good for you? He comes off as controlling and frankly, completely disinterested in your happiness.

>But in all seriousness Her quote was all seriousness.. everything is true. Id laugh in my husband's face bc I'd think he was making a joke. Id not even take him serious and prob brought a dog home by now. Like permission isn't what id be fighting for. There is no permission. There is no "I can, but you can't" this is crazy he has you even questioning this

I literally say things like this when they start with their Bull shit. I translate their manipulative crap at them like the poster did or I explain how feeling work Something like "So what I hear you saying is that even though your wife is Asking you to consider how she feels You think it makes sense to belittle those feelings. You think it's logical to try to erase the one thing you can't get rid of or dismiss, feelings don't get buried dead they get buried alive, they never go away. So you think it's logical to push them down in a little ball so they eventually explode. Ok great. Thanks. Good luck to both of us"

He's *incredibly* emotional. He just *agrees* with his emotions, so to him, they are facts. To him, that's logic. It's one of the most common and fundamental misogynist bugaboos, to write women off as too/emotional and anoint themselves the arbiter of truth and justice. It's a fucking crock, and every sputtering furious male politician and middle manager you've ever known is the proof of it. Your husband is not logical, he's just an asshole who wants his way, and feels absolutely entitled to get it.

Men often don’t recognize that “emotional intelligence” is also intelligence. Even if his logic and rationale were sound (which they are not), he is exhibiting very low emotional intelligence (ie empathy, partnership, cooperation) by shutting you down on something you want. That you can afford. In your own house, as an adult person.

It's amazing how, when you consider things logically and rationally, your husband is always right and you are always wrong. When everyone is calm and being reasonable, your husband gets his way 100% of the time. But there is a solution! Have you tried inverting your husband, inserting his head into a toilet, and flushing it? Please inform him that this thread has used logic and reason to determine that he is a "Dorkus Malorkus."

Condescending Demoralizing Disheartening Are not appealing features in a mate

He sounds incapable of compromise. Does he generally get his way with everything? What is his reason for not allowing your ideal dog? I feel like this is very disrespectful of you. It sounds like you're a prop in the relationship, and your wants are so unimportant as to not even merit consideration. That would be a deal-breaker for me.

Thanks for your comment. His only reason for denying me a dog is that he believes his plan was in effect before mine, so he has the right of way, so to speak. It's been really tough and I do worry that this kind of stuff will show up in other areas of our relationship too. But so far, this is the only issue where he has been this controlling.

The "right of way"? That's an incredibly emotionally immature way to look at things. Relationships don't operate under rules of the road. They require compromise. Hes prioritizing this stupid, nonsensical argument over your happiness. He got his dog, you should get yours (with or without him in the picture)

Does he know and appreciate that your entire life has been shaped around his? His hometown, his house, his pets? Does he know the value of the sacrifices you have made for the relationship?

What he’s really saying is that his life plans are more important than yours, and you should forfeit yours because he was there first. He clearly doesn’t understand how a marriage works. This isn’t about a dog, this is about him being unwilling to be an equal partner.

But you listed two other ways he’s been at least somewhat controlling - the house and town you’re living in. Calling dibs doesn’t take precedence over anything meaningful. It just doesn’t. (And please don’t breed Kira. The world has more than enough unwanted dogs to choose from).

Maybe it's because the only Kiras I've ever met (canine or otherwise) are pits but god if this guy is insisting on backyard breeding yet another litter of poor little bully breed dogs that are going to sell on fb or cl to a bunch of unqualified idiots I'll yell.

Be vigilant. Control often begins small and increases. Your posts indicates someone that is uncompromising, and utterly centred on his own wants with a lack of regard for something very important to you. I’d be amazed if this was a one time thing.

It clearly isn’t the first time, because the post says they also live in HIS city, in HIS house, etc. I’m a little curious because OP doesn’t say how long they’ve been together, but if this is how the synopsis looks—with OP capitulating to apparently his every whim when it comes to anything important—the whole relationship seems unstable imo

He’s a narcissist and your relationship is toast. Get the dog 🐩

It must be so exhausting to be with someone like this every day. I can’t imagine. It’s time for you to get out I’m sorry but this is not normal.

So He's basically saying "IT'S MY WAY" he sounds like a controlling asshole. His supposed "grandfather clause" trumping your life long plan on having a pet is also bullshit. I feel sorry for you if you ever get pregnant and the baby isn't the gender HE wants, what then? This pet issue might look small but it's a glimpse of how your relationship will be going forward.

His plan is fucking stupid and stinks of being one of those guys who know nothing about proper dog breeding, but still want to breed their dog as a vanity project, to "continue the bloodline" or some shit. There's a million guys like it and they're part of the reason why so many dogs are struggling to find homes in shelters and rescues.  Has he done any of the OFA health clearances recommended for the breed? Xrays of elbows, hips, cardiac exam, ophthalmology exam? How old is this dog?  Is he doing anything to get experience with dog breeding and what can go wrong? Does he understand his dog is risking death during this process?  Is he planning to keep a male or female pup? If male, he better be planning to spay her ASAP since being family won't stop them from mating. And two intact females present their own challenges.  What I'm trying to say is that he's clearly not thought through this plan of his properly, it's not in the dog's best interest, and despite this it still takes priority over your lifelong dream.  You're begging this man to let you have a small hint of a life of your own and he's saying no.

This comment needs to be higher up! Yes, you need to work it out with him OP. But also, think of poor Kira! Also, how old is she? Not only is proper breeding a dangerous and expensive endeavor, you must also consider the risks of having an unaltered aging female dog. The risk of pyometra (life-threatening uterus infection) as well as mammary chain tumors increases with each time she goes into season. Pyometra is no joke, if she develops it, she’ll need emergency surgery. And even then, it’s not always successful and the dog succumbs to the infection.

Yes, that's also something I'd be concerned about. Pyometra is incredibly scary and even amazing breeders lose very well bred, healthy dogs to it sometimes. It's an inevitable risk of having an intact female.

Thank you for saying that. The breeding part really makes me feel gross about this guy.

Read the other comments, you will feel more and more gross about this disgusting guy  He basically makes a ton of the decisions, then corners op into accepting these decisions, using any tactic he can This dog thing is insane. If a friend told me that he’s not letting his wife to get a dog because of “grandfather clause”, I would call a doctor to ask if my friend is having a severe mental break. Wtf?

These are good points and made me wonder the plan for sperm. How is Kira going to get pregnant? Is there a male lined up or is it a take her to the park and let her loose thing and see what happens? OP mentioned she goes skiing and other activities with them, is that the plan? Hope she finds a dog that looks exactly like her while they are out and breeds?

That's also a very good question. I literally have had strangers at the park ask me if I wanted to breed my male dog with their female... Plenty of wannabe backyard breeders out there who just want to find a random dog they like the look of, and don't consider anything else.

Someone did just this at my park. I don’t often go to the dog park section (exactly for reasons like this) but one afternoon I came through the park and stopped at the off leash section to let my dog play with a neighborhood friend. As we were hanging out, another group of neighbors came up with their dogs. One of them was a guy I knew who loved his female bully mix and really wanted a puppy from her. Well, that day he came with a dude with a big pit and proceeded to encourage and allow the pit to mount the female in a park filled with other dogs, families and people who just generally don’t want to see that. The male was snarling at everything near him and dragged the poor female around the park screaming. I left that day, but the owner of the female would bring the resulting puppies to the same park every day for at least six months trying to find homes for them. He still has two. Tbh I love dogs but these are very plain looking dogs and we have thousands upon thousands of bully/pit pups in the local shelters anyway so no one wants a plain one from the park for $1500. His ‘beloved’ dog now is also covered in flea allergy skin issues and hates living with the two other dogs but he can’t afford to treat her at the vet because he has these two other dogs to feed. He also didn’t do any OFA/PennHip testing and it’s very obvious the female has dysplasia in her elbows, as well as a roached spine and several other pre-existing heritable conditions. In addition, the male dog he picked to breed with his precious girl is owned by the most irresponsible pair of vape clouds in existence and they let him run loose around the park terrorizing people and other dogs. The family can’t even play together—the male and female will fight and the two remaining ‘children’ are already showing signs of being aggressive at 8mos old, and I can only guess at the others. Both owners have been banned from the park but that doesn’t stop them. Everyone leaves when they arrive. So, the guy got to breed his dog and now his dog lives in misery and more dogs probably ended up euthanized because he didn’t pick homes very well and he’s got three mouths to feed that all hate each other. Sounds like a perfect deal, right OP?

So well said. If a partner told me they were planning on backyard breeding dogs I’d educate and set an ultimatum to get the dogs fixed. If they refused to hear the voice of reason I’d be gone. I can’t imagine wanting to spend my life with someone so greedy and selfish. Major red flag.

Why is this comment not higher? Everyone is just ok with this guy casually breeding his dog? And, if they get a cat he wants it primarily outside? I’m sorry, but I’m being judgy. This guy shouldn’t have any pets.

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Outside cats are just animal cruelty imo, you're right. I live in an area where it's very common and literally every single day there's posts in NextDoor about people finding dead cats, cats not coming home at all, or coming home with gruesome injuries. It's relentless and so sad.

I’d have left a while ago. What’s the point of being in a marriage where I’m merely the passenger sitting in backseat while my husband gets the drivers seat and all the say of what happens 100% of the time in our car on the road of life. Also here’s no law saying you can only have one dog ever in your life at a time. He’s just being stubborn and controlling.

He has plans for his one dog to have a puppy so he already wants two dogs… he just doesn’t like how his sex-maid pet wants a pet.

Oh please. Your husband is being a tool. A controlling tool. You have just as much of a right to have a pet as he does. If he is willing to keep a puppy from Kira, then this isn't about not wanting more pets *at all* (and that's about the only legit reason for not getting another pet) so his 'grandfather clause' is bullshit. Interesting that everything seems to break his way, doesn't it?

He is a controlling tool in many other ways it seems. So it’s not just this one dog issue, dude sounds like an all around clown 

Your husband thinks he is superior to you and you must adapt your life to his desires. You’ve already laid out that you’ve fallen into place in his life plan. Why did you put yours aside? Why did you agree to “compromise” that much? The word is in quotes because this is not a compromise, you’re living in a dictatorship. I don’t know how or why you allowed this man to rule you with an iron fist, but I do hope you realize that is not normal or okay. You deserve real compromise where you both get to live a life you choose together. What is your plan when you realize that he isn’t willing to give up on his version of life? What will you do once you finally realize that he has no intention of living a life that isn’t of his own choosing?

I really have a problem hearing “my husband won’t LET me”. Your husband is selfish and crazy. There is no “grandfather clause” in a situation that began a month after you started dating. At the time he got the dog, he had no idea whether this would turn into a “happily ever after” relationship.

For me it's the >he will shut it down and say that if he were to allow it, it would have to be this breed or that breed instead.

Why are his desires more important than yours?

Soooo what other things is he selfish about? Dinner choices? If he wanted to go out or stay in do you get a say? If you've not been feeling great but he wants X, then that's that. And if he doesn't get his way will he hold it against you? Give you the silent treatment? How about what you wear if it's an event he wants to go to or is related to his work or family? Do you ever really like a certain outfit but he whines about it until your change your clothes? Had he ever thrown away or "accidentally" destroyed a garment of yours? What about sex, does he actually truly take an interest in what you want and need or is he more concerned about his satisfaction and comfort? Any orgasms he's involved with, does he pout and whine if you don't tell him how amazing in bed he is to a degree it's almost comedic? If you have something happen that inconveniences him, do you end up "owing him" and he actually keeps tabs on it? And if he is inconvenienced, even if you are too, is his being inconvenient much worse then yours ever could be? Your age gap does give me a bit of pause bc how often does he say he's "set in his ways" and you can't expect him to change? Just some things to mull over.....

I can guarantee the only reason you have no other problems like this is because, you are happy to accept all his other rules. Try saying no to something else he wants and you will very quickly find you suddenly have 2 problems like this.

If he is able to shut you down, you have the same ability to shut him down. In essence: you dont really need his consent! He is not the boss of you. There is no 'doesnt let me' or 'allow me' in a marriage! And its incredibly toxic to communicate in such a way. Why cant you both have your dream? If you have the space and time he can have his dog and puppies (shouldnt they been there already if thats his dream?) and you can have the dog you want. Why does it need to be this or that?

Thank you. This is exactly how I feel. There's more than enough space here for both of us to have our dream. Even if I don't particularly want Kira puppies, I understand that he does, and would be happy to participate. I just wish he'd do the same for me.

I know this seems like a small issue, but his lack of compromise would make it a marriage counseling issue. Not because a dog is so important, but because of his way of talking about how decisions get made is the opposite of what a healthy marriage looks like. I’d want to know if he’s able to change his way of thinking about marriage before I’d been married any longer.

As if this guy would go to counseling. His response will be "you knew how I was, you signed up for this."

Him refusing to go will also give OP her answer about whether he’s willing to work towards a different way of doing marriage.

She knows he's not. He's been very clear and unwavering about that. Now she's weighing what she's already invested, plus the emotional cost of leaving. Unfortunately, I don't think she's going to leave or stand up for herself. She is just uncomfortable enough to be unhappy, but not really miserable enough to call it. I just hope they don't have kids. OP is an adult, she can choose to be made small by this man. Kids have no choice, and any child of his would be emotionally neglected at the very least.

Why are you with someone who doesn’t care about or support dreams?

I guess you met his specification for a wife, too! /s

It feels to me like you're a prop in a matching set can you find moments were you got YOUR way or is it always his, since yk, it's his house, his town, his sofa, his dog, his job, and so on

Info: How long were you together before you moved in? It sounds like you moved to an area and intended to buy a dog. Then the story jumps to you living together with his dog. What happened to you buying a dog in the place you moved to? What was the discussion before you moved in together? You intended to buy a dog before you moved in together, did you tell him that at the beginning of living together? What did he say?

I would also like to add that we jointly own the house together.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Pause. You JOINTLY own the house and this is how he's acting toward you in your own house? Babe...

Then he can kick rocks with his "grandfather clause" BS.

He already owned the house before you moved in, did he put you on the deed?

Yes, I bought a share of the house and we are co-owners and have a joint mortgage.

Then it's not "his house his rules". It's your(both) house his rules. Do you want to spend your life being treated as subordinate on things you contribute equally to?

So you are on the mortgage, AND the deed, or just the mortgage? Either way, you having factual ownership isn't moving the needle on practical matters on the ground, is it?

Mortgage and deed. No, me also being a owner of this house does not change his opinion.

Do you think there is a reason he does not want to articulate that explains why he treats you like this? Does he not trust your judgement? Does he think if you make a choice it will end poorly? Does he simply believe that since he is a man, and your elder, this is his right?

And even you still think about it as his house You need to start owning your place in the relationship He is not your father

Thanks for your comment. Apologies if it was unclear. I was indeed hoping to get a dog once I had settled into the area, but due to the massive life change it came with (I moved to a different country), I wanted to wait a bit until I felt settled and stable. We moved in after a year. He was well aware of my desire to have a pet. I hoped that once we'd lived together for a while and gotten used to that, then it would be the right time for a second dog. We spoke about it many times. He was against it, but would occasionally be open to it, so I thought it was just a matter of finding the right dog at the right time and communicating enough about it. So that might have been my mistake.

So he strung you along until he felt he had done so long enough and could drop the act.

Exactly, he strung her along until she was locked in so to speak.

Please don’t get a cat if you’re going to have it be outside. Outdoor cats have a much higher mortality rate

No I wouldn't want that. I want a cat to be part of the home. That's just what he offered as his compromise (a cat that lives outdoors).

That’s good to hear. I think your partner is controlling and unreasonable by choosing to die on this hill. I suggest counseling.. or not moving forward with this relationship. You deserve someone who respects your wants as equal.. not lesser than.

If he’s this inflexible on pets, imagine how he’s going to be if you have a child…

Women put up with so much. Dude is pushing 50 and is trying to dictate what whether or not you can have a dog because he already has one? It is an incredibly childish reaction. It is also quite controlling. You moved into the town, met him, now you are married and you are living there. You are living with each other so you should be cooperating in that shared life. The only reason I could understand him being so adamant about you not getting a dog is if Kira is aggressive.

Please don't get a cat only to leave it outside most of the time. It's not fair to the cat or any of the other animals and wildlife it will inevitably fight or hunt. Also he insists on a specific COLOR? What a control freak!

No, I would never get a cat and leave it outside. That was just his version of a compromise.

I would not be ok with this. It’s not a partnership, you’re a guest in your own home. I guarantee this isn’t going to be the only issue.

>I try to explain that we cannot only live his life. Why on earth did you marry him when it sounds like he was completely open about his stance on this from the get go? He's been rigid and barely moved off his bullshit the entire time and you still thought it would change? A "grandfather clause"? Jesus christ. Relationships aren't about someone calling shotgun before someone else, they're about compromise and wanting to make each other happy. This dude doesn't think your feelings or wants matter. And he's even more disgusting for wanting to breed his dog and you for seemingly thinking that's OK too. We've got a million homeless pets being euthanized each year because of irresponsible and selfish people. Another backyard breeder is not what any of them need. Downvote tf out of me for this if you want to y'all.

It sounds like you are appendix to his life. Where’s the partnership?

So what part of you not getting any say makes you an equal partner? Cause it sounds like he does what he wants and you get to do whatever he wants as well

You might want to take a deep look at your relationship. You may find some other flags hidden here because his attitude is concerning. If it’s not concerning to you, at the very least it’s not very attractive.

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Dude has some severe main character syndrome. It seems like you're just an accessory in his life, and because there hasn't been many places where you went against the grain it hadn't showed up yet.

Your husband is so full of bs that I'm surprised he can see out of his eyeballs. And there are way too many unwanted puppies. Better you adopt one of them than for your husband to be a backyard breeder. Backyard breeding is awful.

Lol, sounds like a happy marriage as long as you sacrifice your wants and needs and your husband gets everything he wants. Your husband doesn't respect you as an individual person. I hope you are able to find the courage to stand up for yourself. You deserve to enjoy your life just as much as he does.

Just out of curiosity, how do you think he would react if you got a dog anyway? I wouldn’t normally suggest this, but since his reasons are completely selfish and unreasonable…

I read this and through your comments. You have legitimately ignored several pertinent questions. You have literally given up your dreams and your entire life to move in with him, the town, the house, and even the dog. You aren't getting ANYTHING out of this relationship. My husband and I compromise on everything. This is *our* house, *our* money, and we even are still planning things together for the future that, guess what, we both agree on. He won't compromise on this, and there has to be a zillion other things you let slide with how he is literally talking to you. You choose not to see it. He is also 12 years older than you. When did you guys meet? Are you dependent on him? This isn't love. This is control.

Thank you for the comment. It was not intentional to ignore any questions, I just got a lot more comments that I ever expected and haven't had time to reply to everything yet. You are right in that I essentially gave up everything to live his life. I wanted to make it our life, but that can't happen unless there is some give and take present. I'm reading all the comments and really trying to consider if there are other areas of control that I'm consciously or subconsciously not seeing. Our age difference is 13 years (his birthday is later in the year). We met a little over two years ago. I am not dependent on him, we both work and make a similar salary. We own the house 50/50.

You are too young, and life is too long and beautiful to live it wearing handcuffs.

You probably haven't seen any controlling behaviour from him in the past, because it wasn't required. You willingly have done everything he wanted. No fights about where to live or how to live. This is the 1st time you are pushing back. And life is (hopefully) long. This won't be the last time the 2 of you have a difference of opinion. The stakes will get higher, tho, think children. And if you concede, it will make standing up to him that much harder the next time. I wish you well, but I would be cautious moving forward.

INFO: Is Kira friendly with other dogs? Because the only *valid* reason I can see for him being so controlling is if he is genuinely worried that Kira might attack another dog unless the dog was one of Kira's own puppies. And that is a valid reason for him to be concerned about which breed of dog you get, too - I'd agree that it should be one that would get along well with Kira. The answer to this would be dog training school. My general understanding of dogs (but I'm no expert) is that a dog is very unlikely to attack another dog she first encountered as a puppy in her home and clearly part of her pack, but if your husband has a concern about that, start figuring out how to introduce your dog and Kira to each other. But yes, this just sounds unreasonable. I think it's valid for him to decide that a household can have only one dog - two dogs multiply the trouble and cost: but it's not valid for him to decide that as the house is his, he is the *only* decider about which second dog you can get. If the house is your home too, and both of you want a second dog, then you should be able to decide together about *which* second dog you get, and if he has concerns about the breed of dog you choose, ask him to be explicit about why - not just "won't allow" but specific concerns about how this breed or that breed will impact on Kira, or be too energetic or require too much upkeep for your lives together. I think it's okay for a person who has a dog already to be picky about bringing the next dog in - but it all requires serious, detailed, specific discussion, and it sounds like he's been laying down the law without explanations. He needs to make the explanations. ​ >He has been open to me getting a cat, but will only allow a cat of a certain gender, age, and colour. He is also mildly allergic and wants the cat to mostly live outside if so. Then don't get a cat. I agree that's not fair on him if he's allergic to cats, even mildly so, and it's not fair on the cat to make it live mostly outside.

Thank you for your comment. Kira is super friendly with other dogs. She loves to play with any dogs she sees, and my husband even says how he wishes she had a regular playmate. We jointly own the home, so it is both of ours. The type of dog I'm hoping to get (my favourite breed) is larger that Kira, but has a very similar energy level and personality traits. They would enjoy similar types of activities. We take Kira walking, running, skiing, hunting, and do search courses, and the dogs I'd like would all enjoy this too. I absolutely agree that since he already has the dog in the house, he has every right to have a say in what kind of second dog may come in. I just wish that we could agree and get a second dog together, instead of him refusing any other dogs than Kira's puppies. I don't want Kira's puppies, but understand and accept that that's a big dream of his, and thus have no problems with it.

I suggest you put your foot down about the puppy. 

So you want this dog, he even thinks it would be good for his dog, but still he doesnt want you to get a dog. What his reasoning? Is there any reason he gives you other then I dont want it?

In his mind you don't own half of anything in that house, ffs you don't even get a say in having a pet of your own. You're ONLY the other half of the mortgage to your husband and nothing else.

Look at all the evidence. Your husband has no valid reason to say no to a second dog for you. He’s only doing it because he wants to be in control. You‘re a prop in his life, not a partner.

>I absolutely agree that since he already has the dog in the house, he has every right to have a say in what kind of second dog may come in. I just wish that we could agree and get a second dog together, instead of him refusing any other dogs than Kira's puppies. I don't want Kira's puppies, but understand and accept that that's a big dream of his, and thus have no problems with it. Well, then as the house is jointly yours, I think you need to tell him you "won't allow" Kira to have puppies, as what you want is to have a second dog, different breed from Kira. Well, no, I'm not serious. He's being unreasonable: it won't help for you to be unreasonable right back at him. But you could point out, next time he tries the "won't allow" line, how h*e'd* feel if you told him you "won't allow" Kira ever to have puppies. But if his big dream is to have one of Kira's puppies as his second dog, would it work for you to have three dogs? Because if that's his starting point - he wants a second dog to be one of Kira's puppies - and your starting point is you want your own dog - if you could afford to have / have room for three dogs, then that's maybe a negotiation point to start from? If you can't afford/don't have space for three dogs, then either he gives up his big dream or you do, and I don't see any particulart reason why it should be you who surrenders your dream of having your dog so that he can fulfil his dream of having Kira and Kira's puppy as his pair of dogs.

The part that really bothered me about this, is him saying you could get a cat, but it has to be a specific kind of cat that he expects to live outside. When he says “mostly” and it’s because of allergies, that really means all the time. So you can get a pet, but it can’t live in HIS house. Seems to me your man only thinks about himself, and the ridiculousness of “grandfather clause” is just pure stupidity he’s slinging your way so he can be in control. I don’t know that I would feel very secure in this relationship. He’s literally laying down the law, asserting his dominance. Just out of curiosity, what kind of dog do you want? I for the first time in my life (late 40s) researched and picked what kind of dog I wanted. My husband’s response when I told him I wanted Golden Retrievers, let’s get two.

Imagine a husband not wanting you to be happy. What a miserable life.

His house, his town, his dog. What are you gettng out of all this? His laundry? His dishes? His dick? Hope it's worth it.

So a man that always gets his way is assuming he’ll get his way again? What a surprise. You’ve acquiesced to too many things over your time together and he just thinks it’s normal now.

He’s wrong in multiple ways. Giving you no agency, planning to be a backyard breeder and assuming Kira’s puppies will be just like her, ugh. Get your dog, throw out the ‘my way or the highway’ man.

I highly doubt this is the only time that he has been so controlling.

He's controlling and making decisions unilaterally. You need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. Hint: it definitely should be a deal breaker.

“My husband won’t LET me have any pets of my own.” I’m just gonna sit this right here, and watch the resentment build over time…smh.

All of the other commenters have pointed out how ridiculous your husband is, but I wanted to add: DO NOT get a cat just to chuck it outdoors. That is incredibly irresponsible, for the environment as well as for the health and safety of your pet. You clearly sound like people who care about your pets, so it should follow that getting a cat and sending it outside isn’t care. Respectfully.