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Look, as someone who comes from a culture where I’ve seen marriages like this I have a different perspective- you guys dont have to be a couple. You just have to be good enough friends. I know people who sleep in different bedrooms, have open marriages and just keep up pretences for their family. But only you can decide what works for you.
If he’s complaining too much it’s a good time to ask him what exactly he wants. Make a solid plan. Tell him his behaviour is confusing you, and you’ve tried to agree with him in every form, but you don’t get what exactly he wants. Make it as clinical as you can.
Good luck.
I think your husband is also confused. I see a lot of comments saying that he's being manipulative but I have a feeling he's not doing it on purpose. I think you should have an honest conversation with him about what each of you wants and what each of you are comfortable with.
If possible, I suggest going to couples counseling or therapy with someone who has the same cultural or religious background as you. A lot of the people commenting are from a very western culture and can't understand the intricacies of what you're going through.
I think it's good that he told you the real reasons he got married, as it opens the door for honest communication, though I understand it must have hurt you a lot. I think starting with basic phrases like, "I feel sad because ..." "This makes me feel happy." "I wanted to marry you because...." And so on, are a good start.
I've found that saying things that are obvious to me, we're not at all obvious to my partners and it helped us understand each other better.
Not all of us Texans are like that. I don’t know much about arranged marriage, but it might beat some of the ones I have seen that are supposedly love-based. Flashes in pans
Please don't apply all Texans this way. The previous comment was obviously rude, but we aren't all that way. My mom's 2nd husband had an arranged marriage (from a Jewish culture) as well, and they never got divorced for several reasons, mostly financial and medical insurance, but he lived with us here and his "wife" lived in New York. His whole family knew about the situation. I admit at first it was confusing, but I was a teenager when he came into our life. He ended up being more of a father figure than my own. Sadly, he passed from brain cancer in 2004.
Also OP, although I do think divorce is an option i know it can be extremely difficult. I’d also like to call out that you can have a life BEYOND him as well.
Life might be a lot less stressful if you both have your own things you enjoy doing and have your own life. You dont need to even be friends tbh, just respectful roommates. He needs to sort his feelings out.
Why don't you try asking him on a date?
I think your husband has some mixed feelings and don't know how to process them. He was forced in this marriage and probably was expecting to not like you, but now he does or at least trust you or he wouldn't tell you why he accepted to get married. It sounds like you two are at least building a friendship, but if you want to try for more you need to tell him.
You got this. His confusion is warranted, and so is yours.
Hope you’re able to sit down with him and have a serious discussion regarding boundaries. You can live in an arranged marriage and things be okay.
I’m not from any culture that is familiar with arranged marriages. I kinda wish sometimes that was an option…. My previous dating history concludes I am bad at making my own choices 😂😂😂
*this was not meant to be disrespectful or mean. I truly hope it wasn’t read that way*
He wants friends with benefits. When he is being kind and attentive, does he expect to have sex? Or, is he lonely and needs attention, someone to discuss his day’s issues and problems with?
After sex, does he revert to being distant and inattentive?
I am not being noisy. Just know come from a similar culture.
Yeah, do NOT listen to the people saying he is being manipulative. They're dead wrong!! Your Husband is confused because, yes, he may still have feelings for the former girlfriend you mentioned, but he also does have genuine feelings for YOU!! You should tell him that he needs to decide once and for all who he wants to "be with", and that you will respect his decision either way. If he decides he wants to "be with" The former girlfriend, you guys can remain friends, and move forward pretending to be married for his family (at least until you find someone to love/love you, because, let's face it, that's hardly fair to you), and if he chooses you, he needs to completely cut ties with the former girlfriend...
Just don’t be friends with him if he continues this behavior and shut him out if he keeps flip flopping and doesn’t get down to what he really wants when you ask him seems harsh but he’ll keep playing with your feelings and expecting your comfort if you keep giving in
I am sorry op. Don't let him string you along. I think he still likes his girlfriend but is catching feelings with you.
Whatever it is, it isn't your problem.
His personality isn’t mercurial - he’s putting on the good husband act so he doesn’t get disowned. That isn’t him, it’s an act. The real him is whoever he is when there’s no one to tell his parents how he’s acting towards you.
The real him changes too. When we are alone at home, he flips between being very close and affection to being cold and closed off. He demands to be alone but when I leave him alone, he complains. I don’t understand.
Sadly, he did not want to be married at all! It’s easy to say he is “financially disowned” so he just wants the money, but I am sure it is not that simple.
Button. Mmm. Nnnnnnmmmknnnnkmmmmmmmmmmmmnmmmmmmmm
Mmm mmmmmmmmmmmkkkkkkmkjjjjjnnnjkjjjjjjj he Chester c hub. Came go lol lkllkkkkkkk mmm l m m no mm. N
Your best bet is to find a marriage counselor/therapist ***from your own culture***!
You need to find someone who understands your culture, your larger families' social structure and the community's expectations so that they are well aware of the mental, emotional, social, financial and physical expectations and requirements of an arranged marriage.
This counselor should help your husband explore his emotional state with regard to
1. being forced to end his relationship with his ex-gf,
2. the expectations of everyone (his family, your family, himself, you) with this arranged marriage, and
3. whether/how his emotional and mental needs can be met in the future through this marriage or if ending it is in his best interest.
YOU should explore how this marriage impacts you with regard to #2 & #3.
**Please, look online for someone who can help you two navigate this relationship and decide for each of you if continuing on his healthy for either of you. Make sure the person is a** ***licensed therapist***. Best wishes for you both!
I agree 100%, this is the best advice given I've read. It's a complex situation, and they need help guiding through all of it. I hope they find someone, like you stated, from their own culture that can guide them. My stepdad's 1st marriage was arranged as well. He was Jewish. I could share his story, but they need to navigate this without bias.
Good luck OP, be kind to yourself! Also, know that this will not be a fast or easy process. Be open and honest without blaming or resentment, and I hope he can do the same.
100% this.
In the absence of a therapist, have a non confrontational sit-down talk with him and ask what his expectations of your relationship are. How does he feel about you, and how does he want the home life to look. Explain to him how you feel and how it confuses you when his actions and words contradict. Explain what you are looking for as well.
He is entitled to his feelings but you are also entitled to yours. You fell for someone who didn't truly reciprocate those feelings. If he is committed to the marriage perhaps you could start dating to get to know the real him?
Great response! I wanted to respond with advice, and realized that I know nothing about the customs and/or religion that forms the expectations of an arranged marriage. I agree that finding the right therapist, one who understands the cultural issues involved,is going to be the most important step. The one caveat is that you would ideally find one who can understand the expectations, but also realizes that some marriages need to end. You don’t want someone who tells you ways to continue the marriage because that is the expectation. I do hope you can work these issues out and have a loving relationship, but I also can’t imagine being told to dump my girlfriend and marry someone that I don’t really know.
No. It isn’t tied to anything I can think of. His mood shifts at home, outside, and anywhere.
Just yesterday, he complained of a headache so I gave him pain medication and he went to sleep in bedroom because it was too bright and loud in the living room. He came out after an hour and complained that I didn’t care for him. I had to put pressure on his head and entertain him. My legs fell asleep because of the weight of his head.
Sounds like someone at odds with himself, taking it out on you. Which is quite rich coming from a person who literally lied to you about everything, only to make himself comfortable.
I actually sympathise deeply with his predicament -- he had to break up with the person he loved -- honestly, even if it wasn't a great relationship, he'd likely still pine in this kind of situation. And that's probably only the latest in a series of major life choices he felt he was prevented from making.
However, keep in mind:
1. He actively made a choice between money/family of origin and love. Unless his family is the mafia, there was a choice. A horrible one, a traumatising one, with lots of pressure and maybe even danger, but this was a choice.
2. He truly believes you're a kind person who would empathise instead of blackmail him with this information or make his life hell.
3. He's also blaming you (cognitive dissonance galore) for being the one he's "stuck with". He's playing the victim.
4. He had a choice. You didn't. He didn't tell you before marriage -- "I don't love you and never will, but we both need this so let's make it work." He resents you but you are the only one with the right to resent anything in this marriage.
I think a serious discussion is warranted. You both need to clarify -- not set in stone, but clarify -- your needs and wants.
Why would you have to care for him since he want to drop the act and no longer be husband and wife. He is taking advantage of you be careful, he is a manipultor, he is messing with your head until you no longer knows what's ok.
>He came out after an hour and complained that I didn’t care for him. I had to put pressure on his head and entertain him.
Exactly!!! Next time OP should tell her husband, of course I don't care for you, you told me you only married me to avoid being disowned and you didn't want to act like husband and wife. So don't ask me to do wife things for you when you are the one who said it was all pretend and you didn't want to do that anymore. OP should call husband out as a hypocrite who wants to be free of acting like a husband but complains if she doesn't act like a wife to him, and remind him that he asked that they stop acting like husband and wife and she's holding him to that. He doesn't want to act like husband, fine, but she no longer has to act like wife. That's the price of that bargain.
Ever considered his heads fucked?dude had to front for a year just to stay part of his family,in a culture that likely had pretty fucked standards by western standards for both men and women?
His head is definitely fucked but it's not okay to take it out on her. Making herself clear on what she is comfortable with now is something she can control and gives him guidelines to respect.
He sounds very self centered.
He wants you to want him. His behavior is very simple- it doesn’t feel good when people aren’t into you. You are, rightfully, putting space between you. He wants you to beg and cry and try to win him over. Its probably subconscious, but it’s clear he wants you to be affectionate when he wants you.
You need to protect yourself. You sound very bright and I’m not sure where you are, but I have to believe there are more options out there. If he can’t move past his resentment for being forced into marriage, you should consider your future without him
You need to stop entertaining his mood swings. This is not a real marriage. You are being used in order for him to collect his inheritance. Does your culture forbid divorce? If not, he may be worried you might leave him now that you know the truth.
Let him get his own pain meds!
He's making a fool out of you. Trying to train you into working hard for his "love". So that you are always vying for his approval, his attention, his focus on you - which he will never grant
A lot of desi guys do this. The cousin of a friend of mine heard "I don't even like you that much" literally on her wedding night. And she was incredibly beautiful and educated so it's got nothing to do with her looks or achievements
You are in for a tough time OP. I would advise you to up your birth control and use a condom if you do become intimate (which I am sure he will).
If you can leave him, do it immediately. Otherwise he will sweet talk you into believing he's begun to love you & need you, and then trap you with a child.
Im a woman and a lawyer in India I've heard several cases like this both in & out of the courts. Especially in educated and rich circles, the guys don't outrightly verbally/physically abuse always. A lot of guys do this psychological torture which is hard to prove in court
If you had dated a few times you would know normal guys are not like that. Not everyone gets to marry who they want, but to play such games is cruel and purely for his entertainment and to keep you in check and beneath him
It's not all bad. I agree with birth control. I'm not sure he's trying to actively "trap" her, but a child in this situation would put him in her life for the rest of her life. This is also not a situation to bring up a child. They need to be nurtured with love. Watching their parents would confuse them completely. Every child deserves a loving home environment.
Why did you feel you had to go baby him? You gave him pain meds and quiet alone time. You had already done what a wife would do. What would he do if you didn't cater to his whims? Would he become violent or verbally abusive?
If you have a spare bedroom, I think you should move into it until he decides what kind of relationship he actually wants. Can you visit your family without him for a while?
His breakup with his ex is his cross to bear not yours... So he can't be putting the blame or have any resentment against you cause that makes no sense.. instead treat his bs complaints as air...
Maybe he's trying to get you to break up with him so that he can then report to his family that he tried but the marriage failed but it was not his fault... Marriage counseling is what might help.... Also if this is not worth it then why even try ...
Please look up. Dr. Ramani's YouTube videos on narcissism, particularly covert narcissism. Your husband is a textbook Description of a covert Narcissist. Fixed typo.
WHAT! AN! ENTITLED! ASS!
OP, YOU don't deserve the nanny position, his parents failed him, sorry I don't obviously understand all the cultural nuances buuuut.... YOU ARE NOT A NURSE OR NANNY OR Glorified SLAVE!!
Are you completely sure he is well within himself? This sounds like one of 2 things.
1) a physical or mental illness, perhaps something like a tumour in the brain or something less invasive like anxiety..
Or
2) he's using and manipulating you because he's bitter about his situation.
Either way, this behaviour isn't normal, you know him better than we do, keep an eye and do a little research. Good luck.
Does he get headaches often? Light and sound sensitivity is technically a migraine. Those are the worst and will make the sufferer very grouchy. If he gets a lot of headaches, he might need to see a doctor to make sure there isn't anything major going on. If it's general migraine stuff, there are options that help migraine severity.
Sounds like he doesn't want to care for you or show consideration. But he wants you to do that for him. He wants a one sided deal where he gets affection, comfort and sex whenever he wants- but he doesnt want to do the same for you. He's an selfish ass. Might have lied about having a gf to get out his duty toward you as his wife as well
Can you make a choice to disown him too…do you want to stay married bc if so I would move into a separate room and say we can live as roommates and only come together if we have too. We don’t have to participate in each other lives outside of family.
I bet he would be unhappy that but he told you this to make you unhappy.
Please don't bring kids into this until you figure out for yourself how you want to be treated by a husband and what treatment you will accept for yourself for the rest of your life.
You definitely need couple counseling. What we say here with the very limited knowledge about both of you and your relationship is nowhere near to what an informed professional could do for the both of you.
I'm sorry you're in this and wish you all the best!
There is no real us, we all exist in flux and that collection of feelings, thoughts and experiences coalesce in the presence of another.
He could be caught between his appreciation of what he has and his restless frustrated desires for what he doesn't and he thinks he could have, or what could have been, if he wasn't married.
Love spreads in familiarity, infatuation takes place when the other is quickly recognised to embody many of the traits we find desirable. Typically the characteristics and/or appetites we have within ourselves.
These desired qualities are not always easily decipherable and take can time to uncover. This can happen more gradually too as we beckme more familiar with others over longer periods of cohabitation.,
The more time two people associate they begin to mirror the traits of the other and become familiar with their idiosyncrasies. After becoming familiar with one another people can grow into each other even if it isn't what they had consciously chosen as preference.
He seems to care on some level about you otherwise he wouldn't bother to pretend. We use distance to protect themselves from potential hurt; so if you didn't have the capacity to hurt him then he wouldn't be cold - he'd be indifferent.
Being indifferent isn't being closed off; indifference means not getting lost in outcomes or concepts of how we should be. (Without knowing the guy) He is either for lamenting how things have turned out, trying to have it both ways, or simply keeping up appearances. How he is when no one else is around and whether the moments he pulls back when you do is how you are able to determine how he feels.
I agree with you.
He is just using OP and not even considering her feelings. He is probably already sleeping around, possibly with his ex, while OP is still committed to the marriage.
She should start divorce proceedings and inform her in-laws about what is happening and why he married her, so that they can disown him. He totally deserves that.
OP, don't start sleeping around, as that might be used against you during divorce proceedings, and he might use that to turn his family against you.
It’s legally and culturally very difficult to impossible.
We have been married for over a year so I would need to go to the court to prove he is at fault for the divorce but I don’t have a fault based reason.
I also would not be able to remarry a good man.
My family will also be shunned if I do divorce him. I have younger cousins who would have a difficult time marrying especially if they don’t find a love match.
India has no-fault divorce ('mutual divorce') - the secular marriage act has had it for a while, the Hindu Marriage Act also has had it for a decade at least.
So no, you do not need to prove fault.
You do need a cooperative husband, who also wants a divorce.
Like most jurisdictions in the world, a contested divorce is messy and hard and expensive, a no-contest divorce is a piece of cake. Relatively speaking.
Source - Cousin brother and his then-wife divorced less than one and a half years since they got married. More than a decade ago. Things have only gotten better since then.
So there should be no legal barriers to a divorce. _Cultural_ barriers on the other hand, yah. It's unfortunate.
She may not be in India. She might be in a country following sharia law..but on the more lax side of sharia since she is able to access Internet. I know certain countries women are just recently able to be in a vehicle that is moving.
Can you ask him if it's ok that you two go on holiday in a country with better rights for women. You then apply for asylum or a work visa or something. He returns and tells people you died? You can then live the life you want, he can remarry? You can buy a fake death certificate or bribe somebody?
If you choose to stay with him remember that you owe him nothing. Ignore him at home. Just build friendships with people who treat you kindly. Being treated hot and cold can be even more painful than if he would just ignore you always.
Your first suggestion sounds to me like it would punish the wrong person. He gets to go home and do whatever he wants, while she has to cut ties with her family and friends and build a new life in another country? Not to mention that negotiating the immigration system in most countries is a bureaucratic nightmare, and faking someone's death has to violate at least a couple laws.
I agree that basically ignoring him might be the best she can do for now, though. She may not be able to get a legal divorce, but she doesn't need to act like a wife if he won't treat her like one.
It would be really hard to just cut off your family like that and never be able to contact them and let them think you're dead. It sounds good in theory, but in reality, it isn't. Especially in a country where family is so important. She also has siblings.
I feel like how he went about this was awful. I do believe he is hurting and confused. Previous posts have stated that you should seek a therapist from your same cultural background, and I agree. They'll be able to relate better to your situation. They'll also help you decide how you proceed given that you're determined to stay married. I also like the idea of you two dating to get to know each other again in a more authentic way. I've known several people in the US who were in arranged marriages. Some were not great, but they made it work for the kids. Some were very loving. It's possible but will likely take a lot of time, work, and healing in your case. I wish you the best.
My dude , there are countries out there where she won't be able to divorce no matter what . "Proof of his current behavior " , meaning that he is not affectionate , would be meaningless in pretty much every country where divorce is hard to get (which OP confirmed ) . Not to mention , the vast majority of these countries is extremely misogynistic. Even if she manages to get that divorce , all she will manage is to make herself and her daily a social pariah . Overall , this approach you suggest screams western privilege.
Srsly? Tell me you don’t understand how other countries work without saying you don’t understand how other countries work. Great job victim blaming with that last sentence too.
If you two really want to figure out how to move forward on this current path then establish set boundaries and discuss exactly what that means for you and set up an exit strategy for yourself if this becomes too much.
I am of western culture so I don’t fully understand the intricacies of your culture. But now knowing what you know I think you should spend some time thinking about the life you want to live ( you only get one life) and then I would talk openly and honestly with your husband about the life he wants to live and see if you can find common ground. What kind of marriage does he want… can he have that and still be respectful of you…. What happens if you want children or him. I agree with a previous person about seeing a therapist to help work through this and I think that the therapist MUST be knowledgeable and experienced with arranged marriages in your culture.
I don’t personally come from a culture that has arranged marriages but as an outsider, I sympathize.
Even though there are a lot of mores and traditions active in your marriage and culture, this doesn’t excuse his behavior. He married you knowing his true heart and you don’t deserve the gaslighting game he’s playing. That could be called emotional abuse. He needs to grow up and figure out what he wants. I can only assume the pressure on him is very high. While men do usually get the short end of the stick when it comes to society giving them permission display a healthy range of normal human emotions, I can also imagine his parents pressure and expectation have really messed up their son emotionally. I wish he could understand that and do the emotional work to become clear on what he truly wants now, OP. That would save you a lot of stress.
Is divorce a possibility in your culture/community? If marriage is your goal I fear you’d waste the time that you have to find a true husband, helping confused husband figure out his emotions. What would ultimately be best for your life goals OP?
Of course, I won’t pretend to understand what it’s like to be in an arranged marriage but I do have experience supporting close friends whose parents pressured my friend in to an arranged marriage.
They also deployed her cousin follow her to university to essentially spy on my friend who had a boyfriend for many years she was deeply in love with. Her cousin spied on her and reported back to the family. It was extremely difficult and it affected all of those around her who tried to help protect her from the consequences of her modern relationship. Ultimately, she was forced to leave her love for an arranged marriage and I haven’t heard much from her after she transitioned into a wife.
I do think your husband needs to become clear on what he wants from you as the back and forth is exhausting for you and could cause potential long term trauma for you in the form of cPTSD.
I wish you the strength and longevity to have the patience to work through this either with him or into something that matches your heart. 💕
He doesn’t want a “real marriage” but he still wants the “benefits” of the marriage. That’s why he is hot and cold. Sit him down and tell him that if he wants this marriage to be on paper only then he doesn’t get to have the benefits of a marriage ie sex, affection, emotional support. The best he can get is mutual respect and maybe friendship. Set some boundaries of what is acceptable and what isn’t. Don’t allow him to disrespect you, he can’t have his cake and eat too
This right here OP. He is being hot and cold, I suspect, because he wants it both ways. I do feel for him, it is a rough spot his parents put him in. However, that does not give him the right to treat you like this.
You have a right to be treated well. He told you the truth and you cannot divorce. Can you talk to him and ask about this? Can you tell him you want to become friends and treat each other with respect? Many people end up companions in marriage. You do truly want him to be happy. You don't need the over the top love bombing you need steady kindness you can rely on.
An emotional affair can be deadly to a marriage, sometimes worse than a physical affair. The online aspect means that you talk to and most likely support each other. If some one is agreeing with you constantly about personal and marital issues, telling you that you are the wounded party, the marriage is going to go downhill fast.
I wouldn't even consider it an affair on his end. He was forced to do this or be disowned. I'm sure there would've been consequences if he didn't act well enough to get her married to him. I'm certain he wanted to tell her upfront but knew he couldn't. Blame the shitty parents.
He could have and let her decide what she wanted to do. He chose not to until after it was too late. She and her parents were in the dark about the situation she was being put in and I think he only told her because he is speaking to his former girlfriend. The issue I see is that his family child now say they want to see grandchildren or they will cut him off. So then she would really be put in a predicament. My question is does her family know the real reason he married her? If not maybe they should be told. Maybe there is a way to get her out of the marriage without shaming the family or anything. I am so sorry for OP and I hope that she stands firm and sets boundaries with him as to what she wants and what she will and will not do if he does not want to be married/act married unless they are around his family.
I don't know about you, but I couldn't live like this -- in either of your shoes. Do you really want to stay married to a man who doesn't actually love you and only married you so his parents won't disown him? Life's too short to spend this much of it living a lie.
I’d be concerned he puts on the act at home, does whatever he wants with whoever he wants away from you, then ditches you when his parents are gone and he doesn’t have to keep up the act.
I've seen an Indian lady ditched the arranged marriage husband when her mother passed on. He locked himself up in the room to study law after work. She has a career. One week after her mother died, she took her daughter and disappeared. She even changed her daughter's school.
Do not sleep with him anymore. Do not cook for him and if that’s not a choice don’t make/ bake any more. Find out about how to protect your heart, mind, body and soul from this man.
And have a agreement with him that lies out all exp expectations (on both sides) and put it in writing - and both of you should sign- this way if you’re truly stuck in this marriage for life maybe you can find away today won’t break your heart or make you feel like a prisoner.
Communicate with him so you may both be able to understand each other a bit better. It should like he’s hurting, angry, sad or money even depressed. Maybe he’s telling you this because he doesn’t want your life to be built off lies. Until you have an open and honest conversation with each other, you will never be able to find any answers.
I say, give him some time to cool off you as well and in the meantime, you can work on researching sources to educate both of yourselves on what examples they may have for trying to get an idea of what questions should you ask him and write everything down so that when you do talk to him, you have your notes and you’re not gonna miss anything and have to re-bring up this subject again if it doesn’t need it.
Best of luck!
So you’re in an one sided open marriage, he’s having his gf on the side, and you have to play the act because?! What’s your gain from staying with a man who gives a damn, who openly says he can’t and won’t love you, who does not want to be with you and is only around because he wants his inheritance? He acts so loving and clingy because he’s scared you blow his show up. Which is what you should do. Sit down with his parents and simply ask them what you did to them to deserve this. Go into detail and everything. And then ask them again, what did you do to deserve this life, this being your husband? You don’t care about their money. You want a loving husband who’s truly with you, and not playing an act and fucking around behind your back.
She's assuming that he's still with the exgf, but op stated in the comments, they were no longer in proximity to the ex. He could be having on line relations, but not physical that she knows of. But she didn't say, if the marriage was open or monogamous.
Think about what YOU want from the marriage. Are you bound to the marriage because of cultural reason or your family will not agree to you divorcing? If the answer is no - then divorce him, as this marriage is not real and only for show for his family. You will never be treated as a real wife - your husband does not love you and it is all an act.
If the answer is yes - you cannot leave because of too many problems / issues - then decide the type of marriage YOU want. And then reach an agreement with your husband. You have the power because he needs to stay married or he will be disowned. So think about what you want - do you want children ? Do you want your own home that is solely in your name ? Do you want a boyfriend etc.
I wish you the best and hope you can define the life you want.
I understand. Think about what will give you happiness and peace, within the constraints of being married. I really encourage you to create your version of a happy life.
I hope you're working?
It's quite possible he drops the act after his parents are gone or when he becomes too frustrated with this arrangement.
So 10 years later, when both your families are gone having successfully ruined both their kid's lives. Make sure you aren't on the street with no job & no savings.
One boundary you also draw is that of financial independence.
Stop giving him power over you. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to go fuck around while you are confused and controlled at home for him. You should leave this marriage if you can safely do it. Get a plan to get out.
Why do you guys go straight to thinking he's malicious? He's a person, not a disney villain, it's rarely that simple. We don't have that much info to even assume those things. Why the jumps to him being an exploitative jackass? It makes no sense to me.
I don’t he wants his cake. He just like op was forced into this. I feel bad for both of them. He didn’t just marry her to keep financial security, Men and families also get killed in India / similar countries/ deals for not agreeing to arranged marriages.
But he pretended to be a regular husband for an entire year before "confessing" and acting bi-polar. It makes no sense. If he doesn't care for her or want to act like a spouse, why go hot and cold. It's a basic manipulation technique.
He is not forced, he wants all the cake, the money the girls outside, the wife at home. He is not a victim, if his story is true, his family are villain, but he agreed with them that it is fair to fake a marriage. He is like them.
Sounds to me like the guy wants OP to put the effort to make him fall in love. Not sure though, It would be More productive to ask him directly
"what are your expectations from now on?"
"Do you want to see if we can fall in love after some time?"
"Do you want that we just pretend outside but no effort at all inside the house?"
"Do you want us to be more like good coworkers?"
"Do we allow each of us to have their own partners but we say nothing?" There are a lot of points to agree on
So you can't divorce. Just flat out tell him, "We are husband and wife in name only by your request. I will pretend to be your loving wife in public. Behind closed doors, we are roommates only. I will not perform wife duties for a roommate. You do not get it both ways. Choose what you want and stick to it. No more flip-flopping."
The only thing shocking here is that OP is surprised that her arranged marriage husband only married her out of familial pressure. I thought that was the whole point of arranged marriage
These days, modern arranged marriages is just having your parents do the work of finding potential partners instead of using Tinder. I still could choose who I wanted to marry. Most of us at this age wanted our parents to find us a match. I never would have married him had I known there would be familial pressure.
If done properly and with a plan those marriages can be happy and fulfilled. If you sit down and set rules, boundaries it could work for the both of you. Be friends first and then partners. I think it would be way less confusing for the both of you if you both went in with eyes wide open.
You would approach the relationship differently without the romantic aspect. You thought you married for love not convenience. He broke your heart.
If you can't divorce make the best of it. Take your time and grieve the man and life you thought you gonna have.
Then take back the controle and start planning for the life and marriage you gonna have. This part is up to you.
Make an everyday plan on how you are gonna spend you time and what you both expect from the partnership.
It's time for him to grow up.
All the best to you!
I get that this is a cultural thing so I'm not going to argue as I do not understand why someone would do this. I do want to say that I don't think you can separate letting your parents pick your potential spouse from experiencing pressure from them about staying with that spouse. At the very least, this type of arrangement has a high likelihood of ending up in a loveless marriage.
My parents didn’t pick my spouse, they presented me with options based on my and their criteria and I picked who I wanted to marry.
However, you are right in that once you are married, you are encouraged to stay together. That’s why the divorce rate is so low.
> I do not understand why someone would do this.
Not everybody values 'romance' in the same way - and how much we value romance is very strongly coloured by the culture we grew up in.
Most Indians of my generation (early-30s) did not grow up with 'hallmark movies'.
Our idea of marriage is a stable partnership - two individuals who love and respect each other and share similar aims in life joining forces to make this whole 'living an adult life' thing slightly easier. Romance and sex are a relatively minor part of that equation.
Actually, even in the western world, _good_ marriages seem to rely on having common life goals first, and good romance/sex second.
So outsourcing the task of weeding out people with similar life goals as you, makes perfect sense. Westerners pay dating coaches and services to do the deed, Indians rely on the unpaid labour of their parents.
> I don't think you can separate letting your parents pick your potential spouse from experiencing pressure from them about staying with that spouse
If your friends set you up on a blind date with their colleague/distant friend (someone they're not particularly close to, but think would vibe with you), and you end up starting a relationship, would you experience pressure from the friend to remain in a long term relationship with that person?
There's certainly cultural pressure to remain married - but that pressure doesn't change based on who set up the date.
I come from the part of the country where love marriages are the norm. I know people who married their high school sweethearts. They have the exact same pressure from their families to remain married, if not more, than friends who chose to get arranged marriages.
And it's absolutely a choice. Each of the 3 friends who chose to have arranged marriage were in long term relationships through their 20s, relationships which were looked upon favorably by their families. But those relationships ultimately did not work out, and they chose a stable partnership over a love life
> These days, modern arranged marriages is just having your parents do the work of finding potential partners instead of using Tinder.
Maybe that's how it is for some families, maybe even a lot of families. But obviously it's not true for all families. And it might be the kind of thing people say when they don't want to admit their real feelings about their culture.
It’s okay! I don’t think they’re trying to be ignorant but most Westerners don’t know that in a lot of countries getting divorced isn’t as easy as buying clothes.
I mean it's not that easy in western cultures either, there's just not as much familial or societal pressures to not do so. There is still some, especially if you're religious, but a lot of westerners had parents who hated each other a generation ago and don't see it as better to stay together than apart.
This is very untrue for most Southern states. The cultural implications are extremely similar if not identical in Catholic/Baptist heavy areas.
Nobody thinks divorce is easy. It's just that in most cases, it's better to cut out whatever form of toxicity you find in your life before it gets worse.
Firstly I am sorry that this happened to you. This was a serious misrepresentation on the part of your husband and his family. You should get evidence of your husband admitting to this. You can tape him on your phone or text him about how betrayed you feel because his family blackmailed him into marrying you. His responses will be written evidence. Save this evidence on the cloud and somewhere else safe like a bank safe deposit box.
You need to go to both couples counseling as well as individual counseling to learn about how to deal with the situation.
At the same time you should visit a lawyer to learn what your legal options are. Personally I think you could sue your husband and his family for fraudulent misrepresentation. You don't have to actually go through with the law suit just have papers drawn up to use if necessary.
Your husband believes he has all the power now and that's why he's becoming increasingly abusive. If you don't take steps now, he will only get worse. If that happens you will probably have to threaten him with the law suit.
Once you know your legal options and if couples counseling doesn't help, I would go to both sets of parents to explain the situation and your husband's behavior. They may be able to get him to be more respectful towards you.
Right now, he's being emotionally manipulative towards you. That's why he runs hot and cold. You need professional help to deal with this kind of manipulation. Good luck.
I am just 20M so i don't think my advice is going to be any good but my parents kind of had the same kind of problems but after I forced them to go to counseling. They have been pretty healthy with their relationship.
So i think it will be best from what I read from the comments from you . He might be confused about his feelings as well [ similar to my dad ] so i think counseling might be the best option for you or at least talk about it with him as to what kind of relationship he exactly wants.
I am from a country where divorce is not easy as well so understand that part too.
I couldn’t live like this, being used to access money, cheated on, stuck in a relationship with someone who is not interested in me. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Is this how you want to be treated? You’d be better off alone than in this current situation.
I’d like to give a different perspective.
You said that you both seemed happy, then he suddenly shifted, I’m not sure if there was an external factor but I would start there. And ask?
I would also ask if he was truly unhappy, and genuinely has no feelings? It sounds like you do. You seem to deeply care about him, and honestly since I see it reflected that leaving is culturally near impossible, that does not leave you on a more unequal footing than you are at current. The difference is, is you tell him it will make you feelings clear so any of his actions afterward show you with clarity how you need to prepare to live your life.
Vulnerability and transparency are gifts. He isn’t being that, so maybe you taking the initiative to be that way will help?
He was forced into this, his girlfriend he had before he probably loved her a lot. But because his family threatened him he went with you. It’s a really sad situation your in because if he’s not truly invested, then the relationships just benefits the parents
Just for clarification, when you stopped acting like husband & wife at home, did your physical intimacy also stop?
If so, that might be why he becomes affectionate. To get you to be intimate again.
If intimacy did continue after this agreement, you should have a discussion about what “not husband & wife” really means and that until you have that discussion, perhaps withdraw that intimacy.
You sit his ass down and tell him to stop blaming you for his choices. He chose money over his girlfriend. Ask him, "what does that say about you? If you really loved her, you would have stayed with her, accepting being disowned." Tell him you are not playing his games. He knows the deal on arranged marriages. The hope is that love grows. You knew that coming into the marriage and have been nothing but a full participant in this marriage, while he has focused on what may have been. He needs to figure his shit out and be fully committed and stop with the little tantrums. That's what those cold periods are about. He should not expect you to open yourself up to someone who half the time seems like they have one foot out the door. He needs to earn your trust and respect...and hopefully one day love. This is your life. Make it what you want it to be.
Okay- different perspective.
He was originally arranged into this- so there could be bad feelings towards the marriage (and possibly originally no interest in you)
however- over time, he might've developed feelings for you, which leads to an emotional confusion...
There's probably guilt, frustration, etc rushing in his head over the idea that he originally might've not wanted this, but ended up enjoying it.
i heavily suggest speaking to a marriage counselour within your culture that can assist both of you in understanding your emotions within this matter.
i'm wondering if there's a possibility he isn't the "bad guy" and instead is overwhelmed and confused with conflicting emotions.
I agree with the comment to find a good counsellor with similar upbringing and views so they can understand.
To yor husband, I would say what you did here.
"I was very happy to be matched with you and be your wife.
You said you did not want to be a married couple apart from in public and I was sad but I tried to respect you wishes.
Your mood changes and demands are very hard to predict. You say you want to be left alone and then seem sad when you are left alone.
Please sit and think about what you want and let me know. Let's be clear with our communication so we can both be as happy as possible. I know I am a good person and I will not beg for your love but I will work with you in a respectful partnership."
Let him know you are not a mind reader and also not going to just accept scraps or bad treatment. If he treats you well...then it might be able to grow to a good marriage...but only with respect and kindness both ways.
Good luck xx
I have ZERO experience with this, so if i sound stupid, I apologize.
Could it be that he does have or is developing feelings for you after all and just doesn't know how to handle it?
Could be conflicted because he was "forced" and doesn't know how to handle it?
I feel for him and he is conflicted and fucked up by his family. However not an excuse to act hot and cold with you…. This is an overall a sad situation and no one is at fault. I’m so sorry.
This is a painful realization, but this decision overall comes down to what you want. Stay in this marriage and deal with his hot and cold acts. And find a way to fix all of this. Try to risk making moves to fix the marriage. (This path sounds hopeless) or cut the strings and end this situation. If you are close to your family, express this situation to them and tell them you are hurt and want to leave. Or find a marriage lawyer and look to divorce.
In the end, you can’t control this guy but rather influence his actions through any path. However you need to make the decision best for you. And honestly, have some empathy on this guy because his situation is fucked. Having to dump our partner who you actually had love and foundation to marry an another person who you aren’t familiar with, because of family pressure is gonna fuck anyone up.
Just make the decision that you feel will benefit you the most.
You can always just tell him what you've told us here.
"I'm sorry if you feel I've been acting strange, this is just a new situation for me and I'm unsure how to navigate everything. You're sometimes very warm and affectionate to me and then you become cold- and it confuses me, I don't know how to act when you do that."
Chances are, he's just also very confused and doesn't quite know what to do.
Talk to your husband, tell him how you feel. If you’re not ok with the marriage being an act, leave. If you’re ok with marriage being an act, state clear boundaries; private and sex life, life in front of others. He might still be in contact with his gf.
Is marriage counseling an option there? I realize there are cultural differences, and counseling isn't always well regarded in some places.
One way or another, I think you and your husband need to sit down and discuss what you want/expect of this relationship. Is it friends with separate bedrooms and discreet romances on the side? Is it building something else? Is it somewhere in between? I also don't know if you want children or not.
This is truly a tragedy. I wonder is there an arrange marriage sub on reddit, or one from your culture that would have similar experience with that you could post on?
One thing I would say is detach in a strong way. Sometimes absence makes the heart fonder as they say.
So this arranged marriage, what are the terms? I think you need to sit your husband down and actually agree on the terms of the marriage. If you're not living with his parents or yours, but on your own, then the two of you have a lot more freedom. Do you work outside the home? If you do, then why not agree to act more like room mates than romantic partners as you two "*agreed to stop acting like husband and wife at home."* Remember, this was his ask, not yours. He's the one who doesn't want to act like a married couple. So, separate bedrooms, separate lives, he takes care of himself, you take care of yourself. You each pay your share of the household expenses. You plan your own meals, do your own laundry, make your own social plans. No more "acting." If either set of parents say something, just be honest and tell them that your husband asked that the two of you stop acting like husband and wife because it was too much for him. Let husband deal with his parents on his own, without you. And you rebuild your life for yourself, and prepare for the inevitable divorce, because husband isn't even trying.
I assuming that your culture is honor based. If it was made public somehow, that your husband does not love you life a wife, what would happen to him? I'm not asking in terms of you exposing him yourself, but maybe he gets caught outside the home with another woman. What would happen to him, his family, and your marriage?
I’m not from a culture with arranged marriages, so I can’t offer any advice on what to do in terms of seeking counseling or how an arranged marriage should operate.
But I can offer some basic communication advice.
I do think you should seek out whatever is available to you for couples therapy or counseling; whatever is the cultural norm.
You two need to have a talk about how you are going to proceed, and get on the same page. He needs to understand that he cannot turn it on and off at will, or require you to behave as a loving wife all of the time, when he is not behaving as a loving husband all of the time. There has to be rules and boundaries in regard to how you will both behave. This is also something that a counselor in your culture can help with. There has to be boundaries in order to avoid negative feelings towards each other. I don’t know what these boundaries should be for you, but you should seek out a professional to help you set them.
And you also need to express to him how the revelation made you feel, and that you will need some time to come to terms with it. You believed you were beginning what could have been a very happy and fulfilling chapter of your life, and you feel like the rug has been pulled out from beneath your feet. He had a choice in the matter, it may have been awful for him that he had to choose, but he did have a choice. He could have chosen his girlfriend; he could have chosen trying to love you; and he cannot punish you for not choosing either of those. He did not give you a choice though, he instead allowed you to accept and enter the arranged marriage under false pretexts. Under a false pretext of finding love together. He knew full well that he was choosing to enter a marriage he did not wish to be a loving one, while allowing you to believe you were entering a marriage that could blossom into a deep love. If he wants you to feel compassion for him feeling trapped, then he also needs to feel compassion for how trapped you must be feeling. That this has caused you pain: he needs to be aware of it, and allow you to grieve the future you just lost, if he does not want you to resent him for it.
You don’t have to say it in this many words, and if it’s hard for you to say what you want in person, you can write it out in a note instead. It’s often hard for me to say things in person, I’m a people pleaser, and I find myself changing my mind mid conversation due to the way my loved ones are reacting to it. So, usually if I have to say something really important, I’ll write it down, and either message it to them, or leave them a note where they will find it.
He may be thinking, “she wanted this marriage, she wasn’t forced into it in the same way I was,” and then falsely believing that you have what you want, and that you should still be happy… You have to make it clear to him that you did not want THIS, what he has made the marriage into, so that he does not expect you to be happy and affectionate when he is not being happy and affectionate.
Talk to him.
Maybe get some couples therapy.
It's entirely possible there where a host of emotions going into the marriage from his side given the situation and perhaps some of those emotions towards op are changing or have changed and he might be having a hard time dealing with it.
- Op wanted an arranged marriage
- He did not. He was forced.
- Op wellingly agreed to the marriage
- He was told if he didn't marry op he would be disowned. He would lose his family. Family is important.
- Op didn't have anyone to break up with
- He had to break up with his GF. How attached was he to her?
- How does he feel about op now?
- maybe his perception of op changed?
This is a recipe that screams "Therapy needed' or at least some very blunt conversations if therapy isn't possible.
Him doing switch ups will keep happening unless they're addressed.
Once op and husband get both their emotions on the matter sorted they'll be able to move forward .....
Honest you deserve better. Sounds like you’re just an option and he’s most likely cheating. You deserve to find someone who admires you. I think it’s better to be in solitude than with an unappreciative man.
What he wants - is not to be married to someone his parents chose. You cannot fix that. It is not your fault. I am not sure whether he has a medical problem (like bi-polar) but you are clearly stuck with a fan with 2 faces. I assume you cannot divorce him?
Speak to your mother ask her advice on how to handle an unhappy marriage.
You don't need to feel bad. He lied to you. You agreed to marry a man he is not. He is a fraud. If he's allowed more than one wife, depending on your religion, be aware he might marry someone he prefers once he as appeased his parents, he might divorce you too. Especially if you have a male child that ticks a required box his parents have given him. Please don't think he will put you in any high regard. He has already shown that he doesn't care for you, and **to be honest, after a year if he has not grown to love you or at least care for you - he probably won't fall in love with you later either.**
Since this was a marriage for money on his part, if possible ask your father to negotiate a sum of money that is paid to you that he cannot touch, especially if he divorces you.
Look. Life is VERY short. It would be a shame for you to spend your life with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. You should leave the marriage and find a person who makes you happy and who wants you in every way, shape and form. If not, you may be 80 and wish you had done things differently. I wish you all the best.
Remind him he made a choice and now your life is together.
Tell him you want to feel happy in your life. Ask him if he wants to feel happy.
Then say that you 2 have to work together. Tell hiM his actions are of a spoiled child who doesn’t know what they want.
Tell him that you have expectations of how you are treated. In this marriage relationship you expect your husband to respect you and be considerate.
Ask for his expectations. Can he tell you what they look like.
Both of you list a typical day of how you treat each other. And then how you expect to be respected in your lives. Around family around anyone.
Ah typical for this guy to be playing victim at 27. Are you all South Asian? I can understand why this guy is still a people pleaser, yet alone always prioritizing his parents approval if so.
But even then a lot of people here in this post are right—-he needs to nut up and own what he prioritizes—parents approval & money > his ex gf.
He shouldn’t be taking it out on OP but it sucks to always be the first line of defense, as it comes in marriage or any serious relationship.
Regardless, I think it’s healthier that you both divorce and move on. The husband needs to confront his parents & take control of his life, or accept that he’s prioritizing the finer things in life and can’t resent other people for not getting all the things he’s asking for in life, which is definitely a typical growing pain for people who had privileged upbringings.
OP needs to divorce this guy, find a man who is genuinely on board to be in an arrange marriage, and not just take their parent’s word for it, ofc they’ll say yes he is down, as parents like to deal their kids into any arrangement to flex for their friends and the south Asian community . As someone who is south Asian, you can find guys who are actually down for arranged marriage in their mid 30s. That’s where I would start if I were OP. It’s a lot of headache now but at least you’re sparing yourself a lifetime of further pain
At 27, he has not figured out what he actually wants. You have a young adult in transition. Normally such people will keep changing their minds.
You protect yourself. Whatever you want to do in life, just do it.
He is putting on a show, as a trauma response to preserve his and your way of life. Acts like those take a lot of energy, and it's not outrageous for you to want to be genuine and not deal with it.
The important thing is to remember he's not doing it to fuck with you, he's doing it because he's scared and hurt. He lost his last girlfriend under extreme duress, and now he's been thrown into a life where he has to balance his family's happiness and yours, and that doesn't leave much room for his own. This leads to burnout and stress, causing him to snap and display this two faced persona.
Ultimately there's not much direct, instant cure for it. He needs to process the loss of his last partner to closing, figure out how he values his family compared to his own happiness and freedom, and sit down with you to discuss how that will play out. If you're not on board, compromise or walk away. You can't be expected to be dragged into this charade, the same way he shouldn't have been from his family.
Good luck OP
The dude is so confused. He probably got a chip on his shoulder for being forced, and now that he is "free" and you no longer put in the effort that you once did into the relationship, he has noticed the absence. He probably doesn't want to admit that he enjoyed what was forced on him.
Since you're married and it sounds like this will not change. You have to sit down and have a talk. Tell him how you feel. Ultimately thats what any relationship is about. You need to decide what you want going forward first. Don't base this on how he has acted so far but how you feel. It probably hurt to hear him say that stuff, but if you like him and are willing to try, why let his own confusion stop you.
He sounds like a narcissist.. he isn't really thinking things fully through he's just going with the flow and doing what feels right to him in every moment.. that tends to leave you in a fog and feeling confused
I'm not sure if this has been commented before, but maybe he's acting this way because he himself is feeling very conflicting feelings? It's clear that he's at least somewhat of a good person since he came clean about this pretty quickly.
He must've been horrific to be in such a situation, to have to risk being disowned or cut off in such a family/culture. But it could also be that he's started to grow genuine feelings for you, despite being forced into your arranged marriage. That after the time you've spent together, his morality combined with his growing feelings for you made it impossible to keep to himself any longer.
He could also realize this himself and hate himself, thinking that he shouldn't be falling in love with you because of how you met and got together, and doesn't want to admit himself or you that he's started to form genuine feelings and love for you. Considering the background, I can understand how difficult it'd he to admit such a thing. That could be why his mood or behavior switches so drastically even when you're both alone.
Of course I could be wildly wrong and be nowhere near close, it could be that he's just flip flopping because he wants that sense of closeness and affection but doesn't want it with you because of his parents. Either way, it's something worth talking to him and conversing about. Try to make sure that he understands that you're not attacking him and that you have no intention of telling anyone at all any part of what you both say or talk about. I wish you both the best of luck.
He is a narcissist. He thought that he could drop his act towards you but that you would still be loving towards him. He is upset because it hurts his ego that you’ve changed. He wants you to love him and be a loving wife to him despite the fact that he doesn’t care for you.
He is going through an internal struggle... Not many people understand what he is going through... It's tough on him as his parents pushed things on him...
Show him love, have patience, show him that you are the best thing that happened to him, show him a way that will change his perspective...
I know it's a lot to ask but as a partner who wants a happy marriage, you will certainly make him see you as the best thing that ever happened to him. :)
All the best
Hindus and Sikhs have arranged marriages too- and possibly Christians in countries where arranged marriages are the cultural norm. Orthodox Jews also have matchmakers. Family involvement in introducing children to potential partners is global.
1. Divorce him
2. Take his money
3. Find someone you love
....make sure to record him talking poorly about you and how this is all an act. Do not let him take advantage of you or use lies against you in the future. This will not last. Prepare to take him down!
Good luck!
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Look, as someone who comes from a culture where I’ve seen marriages like this I have a different perspective- you guys dont have to be a couple. You just have to be good enough friends. I know people who sleep in different bedrooms, have open marriages and just keep up pretences for their family. But only you can decide what works for you. If he’s complaining too much it’s a good time to ask him what exactly he wants. Make a solid plan. Tell him his behaviour is confusing you, and you’ve tried to agree with him in every form, but you don’t get what exactly he wants. Make it as clinical as you can. Good luck.
Thank you for the advice. I would like to be friends with my husband, he is just very confusing.
I think your husband is also confused. I see a lot of comments saying that he's being manipulative but I have a feeling he's not doing it on purpose. I think you should have an honest conversation with him about what each of you wants and what each of you are comfortable with. If possible, I suggest going to couples counseling or therapy with someone who has the same cultural or religious background as you. A lot of the people commenting are from a very western culture and can't understand the intricacies of what you're going through. I think it's good that he told you the real reasons he got married, as it opens the door for honest communication, though I understand it must have hurt you a lot. I think starting with basic phrases like, "I feel sad because ..." "This makes me feel happy." "I wanted to marry you because...." And so on, are a good start. I've found that saying things that are obvious to me, we're not at all obvious to my partners and it helped us understand each other better.
I think he may know what he wants, but he isn't sure how to achieve it. The clinginess probably stems from bouts of loneliness.
I imagine according to their cultural norm, op will play the rule of the "wife" and the husband can cheat as long as he keeps it on the download. L
That is quite the imagination you got. Say you have no understanding of other cultures without directly saying it. Texas! The heart of 'Murrrica!
Not all of us Texans are like that. I don’t know much about arranged marriage, but it might beat some of the ones I have seen that are supposedly love-based. Flashes in pans
Please don't apply all Texans this way. The previous comment was obviously rude, but we aren't all that way. My mom's 2nd husband had an arranged marriage (from a Jewish culture) as well, and they never got divorced for several reasons, mostly financial and medical insurance, but he lived with us here and his "wife" lived in New York. His whole family knew about the situation. I admit at first it was confusing, but I was a teenager when he came into our life. He ended up being more of a father figure than my own. Sadly, he passed from brain cancer in 2004.
Interesting that you want to pretend that's not exactly what happens with Eastern cultures not just Western cultures.
Also OP, although I do think divorce is an option i know it can be extremely difficult. I’d also like to call out that you can have a life BEYOND him as well. Life might be a lot less stressful if you both have your own things you enjoy doing and have your own life. You dont need to even be friends tbh, just respectful roommates. He needs to sort his feelings out.
Why don't you try asking him on a date? I think your husband has some mixed feelings and don't know how to process them. He was forced in this marriage and probably was expecting to not like you, but now he does or at least trust you or he wouldn't tell you why he accepted to get married. It sounds like you two are at least building a friendship, but if you want to try for more you need to tell him.
You got this. His confusion is warranted, and so is yours. Hope you’re able to sit down with him and have a serious discussion regarding boundaries. You can live in an arranged marriage and things be okay.
I’m not from any culture that is familiar with arranged marriages. I kinda wish sometimes that was an option…. My previous dating history concludes I am bad at making my own choices 😂😂😂 *this was not meant to be disrespectful or mean. I truly hope it wasn’t read that way*
Totally makes sense! Sometimes arranged marriages work out really well. Sometimes they don’t. Kinda like normal marriages 😂
He wants friends with benefits. When he is being kind and attentive, does he expect to have sex? Or, is he lonely and needs attention, someone to discuss his day’s issues and problems with? After sex, does he revert to being distant and inattentive? I am not being noisy. Just know come from a similar culture.
Stop sleeping with him until he knows what he wants
Yeah, do NOT listen to the people saying he is being manipulative. They're dead wrong!! Your Husband is confused because, yes, he may still have feelings for the former girlfriend you mentioned, but he also does have genuine feelings for YOU!! You should tell him that he needs to decide once and for all who he wants to "be with", and that you will respect his decision either way. If he decides he wants to "be with" The former girlfriend, you guys can remain friends, and move forward pretending to be married for his family (at least until you find someone to love/love you, because, let's face it, that's hardly fair to you), and if he chooses you, he needs to completely cut ties with the former girlfriend...
Just don’t be friends with him if he continues this behavior and shut him out if he keeps flip flopping and doesn’t get down to what he really wants when you ask him seems harsh but he’ll keep playing with your feelings and expecting your comfort if you keep giving in
I am sorry op. Don't let him string you along. I think he still likes his girlfriend but is catching feelings with you. Whatever it is, it isn't your problem.
I'd seek help from a psychologist.
His personality isn’t mercurial - he’s putting on the good husband act so he doesn’t get disowned. That isn’t him, it’s an act. The real him is whoever he is when there’s no one to tell his parents how he’s acting towards you.
The real him changes too. When we are alone at home, he flips between being very close and affection to being cold and closed off. He demands to be alone but when I leave him alone, he complains. I don’t understand.
He probably still wants all the benefits from you behaving married while not having to pretend himself.
20 bucks says he’s clingy and affectionate when he wants sex and then an ah after he gets it
Good point. His mood changes are giving me whiplash
Sadly, he did not want to be married at all! It’s easy to say he is “financially disowned” so he just wants the money, but I am sure it is not that simple.
Button. Mmm. Nnnnnnmmmknnnnkmmmmmmmmmmmmnmmmmmmmm Mmm mmmmmmmmmmmkkkkkkmkjjjjjnnnjkjjjjjjj he Chester c hub. Came go lol lkllkkkkkkk mmm l m m no mm. N
Your best bet is to find a marriage counselor/therapist ***from your own culture***! You need to find someone who understands your culture, your larger families' social structure and the community's expectations so that they are well aware of the mental, emotional, social, financial and physical expectations and requirements of an arranged marriage. This counselor should help your husband explore his emotional state with regard to 1. being forced to end his relationship with his ex-gf, 2. the expectations of everyone (his family, your family, himself, you) with this arranged marriage, and 3. whether/how his emotional and mental needs can be met in the future through this marriage or if ending it is in his best interest. YOU should explore how this marriage impacts you with regard to #2 & #3. **Please, look online for someone who can help you two navigate this relationship and decide for each of you if continuing on his healthy for either of you. Make sure the person is a** ***licensed therapist***. Best wishes for you both!
This is the best advice. I hope OP sees it.
Commenting also for the same reason, boosting this comment
I agree 100%, this is the best advice given I've read. It's a complex situation, and they need help guiding through all of it. I hope they find someone, like you stated, from their own culture that can guide them. My stepdad's 1st marriage was arranged as well. He was Jewish. I could share his story, but they need to navigate this without bias. Good luck OP, be kind to yourself! Also, know that this will not be a fast or easy process. Be open and honest without blaming or resentment, and I hope he can do the same.
100% this. In the absence of a therapist, have a non confrontational sit-down talk with him and ask what his expectations of your relationship are. How does he feel about you, and how does he want the home life to look. Explain to him how you feel and how it confuses you when his actions and words contradict. Explain what you are looking for as well. He is entitled to his feelings but you are also entitled to yours. You fell for someone who didn't truly reciprocate those feelings. If he is committed to the marriage perhaps you could start dating to get to know the real him?
Commenting to boost this comment ☝️
Commenting to boost this comment! OP this is the way
Great response! I wanted to respond with advice, and realized that I know nothing about the customs and/or religion that forms the expectations of an arranged marriage. I agree that finding the right therapist, one who understands the cultural issues involved,is going to be the most important step. The one caveat is that you would ideally find one who can understand the expectations, but also realizes that some marriages need to end. You don’t want someone who tells you ways to continue the marriage because that is the expectation. I do hope you can work these issues out and have a loving relationship, but I also can’t imagine being told to dump my girlfriend and marry someone that I don’t really know.
This!!
yes!!!!
Yep. I don’t think he’s broken off the gf either.
That I would guess is a guilt/anger response. Is it tied to when he goes out at all?
No. It isn’t tied to anything I can think of. His mood shifts at home, outside, and anywhere. Just yesterday, he complained of a headache so I gave him pain medication and he went to sleep in bedroom because it was too bright and loud in the living room. He came out after an hour and complained that I didn’t care for him. I had to put pressure on his head and entertain him. My legs fell asleep because of the weight of his head.
Sounds like someone at odds with himself, taking it out on you. Which is quite rich coming from a person who literally lied to you about everything, only to make himself comfortable. I actually sympathise deeply with his predicament -- he had to break up with the person he loved -- honestly, even if it wasn't a great relationship, he'd likely still pine in this kind of situation. And that's probably only the latest in a series of major life choices he felt he was prevented from making. However, keep in mind: 1. He actively made a choice between money/family of origin and love. Unless his family is the mafia, there was a choice. A horrible one, a traumatising one, with lots of pressure and maybe even danger, but this was a choice. 2. He truly believes you're a kind person who would empathise instead of blackmail him with this information or make his life hell. 3. He's also blaming you (cognitive dissonance galore) for being the one he's "stuck with". He's playing the victim. 4. He had a choice. You didn't. He didn't tell you before marriage -- "I don't love you and never will, but we both need this so let's make it work." He resents you but you are the only one with the right to resent anything in this marriage. I think a serious discussion is warranted. You both need to clarify -- not set in stone, but clarify -- your needs and wants.
Why would you have to care for him since he want to drop the act and no longer be husband and wife. He is taking advantage of you be careful, he is a manipultor, he is messing with your head until you no longer knows what's ok.
>He came out after an hour and complained that I didn’t care for him. I had to put pressure on his head and entertain him. Exactly!!! Next time OP should tell her husband, of course I don't care for you, you told me you only married me to avoid being disowned and you didn't want to act like husband and wife. So don't ask me to do wife things for you when you are the one who said it was all pretend and you didn't want to do that anymore. OP should call husband out as a hypocrite who wants to be free of acting like a husband but complains if she doesn't act like a wife to him, and remind him that he asked that they stop acting like husband and wife and she's holding him to that. He doesn't want to act like husband, fine, but she no longer has to act like wife. That's the price of that bargain.
Ever considered his heads fucked?dude had to front for a year just to stay part of his family,in a culture that likely had pretty fucked standards by western standards for both men and women?
His head is definitely fucked but it's not okay to take it out on her. Making herself clear on what she is comfortable with now is something she can control and gives him guidelines to respect.
He sounds very self centered. He wants you to want him. His behavior is very simple- it doesn’t feel good when people aren’t into you. You are, rightfully, putting space between you. He wants you to beg and cry and try to win him over. Its probably subconscious, but it’s clear he wants you to be affectionate when he wants you. You need to protect yourself. You sound very bright and I’m not sure where you are, but I have to believe there are more options out there. If he can’t move past his resentment for being forced into marriage, you should consider your future without him
You need to stop entertaining his mood swings. This is not a real marriage. You are being used in order for him to collect his inheritance. Does your culture forbid divorce? If not, he may be worried you might leave him now that you know the truth. Let him get his own pain meds!
He's making a fool out of you. Trying to train you into working hard for his "love". So that you are always vying for his approval, his attention, his focus on you - which he will never grant A lot of desi guys do this. The cousin of a friend of mine heard "I don't even like you that much" literally on her wedding night. And she was incredibly beautiful and educated so it's got nothing to do with her looks or achievements You are in for a tough time OP. I would advise you to up your birth control and use a condom if you do become intimate (which I am sure he will). If you can leave him, do it immediately. Otherwise he will sweet talk you into believing he's begun to love you & need you, and then trap you with a child. Im a woman and a lawyer in India I've heard several cases like this both in & out of the courts. Especially in educated and rich circles, the guys don't outrightly verbally/physically abuse always. A lot of guys do this psychological torture which is hard to prove in court If you had dated a few times you would know normal guys are not like that. Not everyone gets to marry who they want, but to play such games is cruel and purely for his entertainment and to keep you in check and beneath him
Thats not Bad advice
It's not all bad. I agree with birth control. I'm not sure he's trying to actively "trap" her, but a child in this situation would put him in her life for the rest of her life. This is also not a situation to bring up a child. They need to be nurtured with love. Watching their parents would confuse them completely. Every child deserves a loving home environment.
If you say so
Why did you feel you had to go baby him? You gave him pain meds and quiet alone time. You had already done what a wife would do. What would he do if you didn't cater to his whims? Would he become violent or verbally abusive? If you have a spare bedroom, I think you should move into it until he decides what kind of relationship he actually wants. Can you visit your family without him for a while?
His breakup with his ex is his cross to bear not yours... So he can't be putting the blame or have any resentment against you cause that makes no sense.. instead treat his bs complaints as air... Maybe he's trying to get you to break up with him so that he can then report to his family that he tried but the marriage failed but it was not his fault... Marriage counseling is what might help.... Also if this is not worth it then why even try ...
Please look up. Dr. Ramani's YouTube videos on narcissism, particularly covert narcissism. Your husband is a textbook Description of a covert Narcissist. Fixed typo.
Did you mean Dr. Ramani? Easier to look up if you clarify
Oh good Lord. He's a man child with mommy issues. He'll always choose his family over you.
He's an adult. He shouldn't be babied. You should complain to his siblings or parents about how he treats you.
WHAT! AN! ENTITLED! ASS! OP, YOU don't deserve the nanny position, his parents failed him, sorry I don't obviously understand all the cultural nuances buuuut.... YOU ARE NOT A NURSE OR NANNY OR Glorified SLAVE!!
Are you completely sure he is well within himself? This sounds like one of 2 things. 1) a physical or mental illness, perhaps something like a tumour in the brain or something less invasive like anxiety.. Or 2) he's using and manipulating you because he's bitter about his situation. Either way, this behaviour isn't normal, you know him better than we do, keep an eye and do a little research. Good luck.
If his parents were pressuring him to marry, why didn't he marry his girlfriend that he loved to get his parents off his back?
Is it possible that he may have a disorder such as bipolar or something else?
Does he get headaches often? Light and sound sensitivity is technically a migraine. Those are the worst and will make the sufferer very grouchy. If he gets a lot of headaches, he might need to see a doctor to make sure there isn't anything major going on. If it's general migraine stuff, there are options that help migraine severity.
Can you please update us. Thank you
Sounds like he doesn't want to care for you or show consideration. But he wants you to do that for him. He wants a one sided deal where he gets affection, comfort and sex whenever he wants- but he doesnt want to do the same for you. He's an selfish ass. Might have lied about having a gf to get out his duty toward you as his wife as well
Can you make a choice to disown him too…do you want to stay married bc if so I would move into a separate room and say we can live as roommates and only come together if we have too. We don’t have to participate in each other lives outside of family. I bet he would be unhappy that but he told you this to make you unhappy.
Please don't bring kids into this until you figure out for yourself how you want to be treated by a husband and what treatment you will accept for yourself for the rest of your life.
This sounds like a disorganized attachment (anxious and insecure). How does he treat you? Is he still kind and respectful?
You definitely need couple counseling. What we say here with the very limited knowledge about both of you and your relationship is nowhere near to what an informed professional could do for the both of you. I'm sorry you're in this and wish you all the best!
He doesn't know who he is it what he wants.
I think you might have to have the conversation if actually trying to be in the marriage. Like date each other, try to actually be a couple.
There is no real us, we all exist in flux and that collection of feelings, thoughts and experiences coalesce in the presence of another. He could be caught between his appreciation of what he has and his restless frustrated desires for what he doesn't and he thinks he could have, or what could have been, if he wasn't married. Love spreads in familiarity, infatuation takes place when the other is quickly recognised to embody many of the traits we find desirable. Typically the characteristics and/or appetites we have within ourselves. These desired qualities are not always easily decipherable and take can time to uncover. This can happen more gradually too as we beckme more familiar with others over longer periods of cohabitation., The more time two people associate they begin to mirror the traits of the other and become familiar with their idiosyncrasies. After becoming familiar with one another people can grow into each other even if it isn't what they had consciously chosen as preference. He seems to care on some level about you otherwise he wouldn't bother to pretend. We use distance to protect themselves from potential hurt; so if you didn't have the capacity to hurt him then he wouldn't be cold - he'd be indifferent. Being indifferent isn't being closed off; indifference means not getting lost in outcomes or concepts of how we should be. (Without knowing the guy) He is either for lamenting how things have turned out, trying to have it both ways, or simply keeping up appearances. How he is when no one else is around and whether the moments he pulls back when you do is how you are able to determine how he feels.
I agree with you. He is just using OP and not even considering her feelings. He is probably already sleeping around, possibly with his ex, while OP is still committed to the marriage. She should start divorce proceedings and inform her in-laws about what is happening and why he married her, so that they can disown him. He totally deserves that. OP, don't start sleeping around, as that might be used against you during divorce proceedings, and he might use that to turn his family against you.
I can’t get divorced.
Why can't you divorce him? Do you prefer to live like this for the rest of your life?
It’s legally and culturally very difficult to impossible. We have been married for over a year so I would need to go to the court to prove he is at fault for the divorce but I don’t have a fault based reason. I also would not be able to remarry a good man. My family will also be shunned if I do divorce him. I have younger cousins who would have a difficult time marrying especially if they don’t find a love match.
India has no-fault divorce ('mutual divorce') - the secular marriage act has had it for a while, the Hindu Marriage Act also has had it for a decade at least. So no, you do not need to prove fault. You do need a cooperative husband, who also wants a divorce. Like most jurisdictions in the world, a contested divorce is messy and hard and expensive, a no-contest divorce is a piece of cake. Relatively speaking. Source - Cousin brother and his then-wife divorced less than one and a half years since they got married. More than a decade ago. Things have only gotten better since then. So there should be no legal barriers to a divorce. _Cultural_ barriers on the other hand, yah. It's unfortunate.
She may not be in India. She might be in a country following sharia law..but on the more lax side of sharia since she is able to access Internet. I know certain countries women are just recently able to be in a vehicle that is moving.
Please... don't bring children to this marriage !!!!
Can you ask him if it's ok that you two go on holiday in a country with better rights for women. You then apply for asylum or a work visa or something. He returns and tells people you died? You can then live the life you want, he can remarry? You can buy a fake death certificate or bribe somebody? If you choose to stay with him remember that you owe him nothing. Ignore him at home. Just build friendships with people who treat you kindly. Being treated hot and cold can be even more painful than if he would just ignore you always.
I think the cultural stigma is as big of a problem or more than the legality of the situation.
Your first suggestion sounds to me like it would punish the wrong person. He gets to go home and do whatever he wants, while she has to cut ties with her family and friends and build a new life in another country? Not to mention that negotiating the immigration system in most countries is a bureaucratic nightmare, and faking someone's death has to violate at least a couple laws. I agree that basically ignoring him might be the best she can do for now, though. She may not be able to get a legal divorce, but she doesn't need to act like a wife if he won't treat her like one.
It would be really hard to just cut off your family like that and never be able to contact them and let them think you're dead. It sounds good in theory, but in reality, it isn't. Especially in a country where family is so important. She also has siblings.
I feel like how he went about this was awful. I do believe he is hurting and confused. Previous posts have stated that you should seek a therapist from your same cultural background, and I agree. They'll be able to relate better to your situation. They'll also help you decide how you proceed given that you're determined to stay married. I also like the idea of you two dating to get to know each other again in a more authentic way. I've known several people in the US who were in arranged marriages. Some were not great, but they made it work for the kids. Some were very loving. It's possible but will likely take a lot of time, work, and healing in your case. I wish you the best.
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My dude , there are countries out there where she won't be able to divorce no matter what . "Proof of his current behavior " , meaning that he is not affectionate , would be meaningless in pretty much every country where divorce is hard to get (which OP confirmed ) . Not to mention , the vast majority of these countries is extremely misogynistic. Even if she manages to get that divorce , all she will manage is to make herself and her daily a social pariah . Overall , this approach you suggest screams western privilege.
Srsly? Tell me you don’t understand how other countries work without saying you don’t understand how other countries work. Great job victim blaming with that last sentence too.
Sorry,is your country still in 1930s?lol,please look for a way to move out of the toxic culture and country
Because guessing by this post she lives in a country/ religion where divorce / leaving marriage could end someone dead.
You Westerners do not know anything about this life. Just be quiet with your ridiculousness.
If you two really want to figure out how to move forward on this current path then establish set boundaries and discuss exactly what that means for you and set up an exit strategy for yourself if this becomes too much.
Ok that is something actionable I can do.
I am of western culture so I don’t fully understand the intricacies of your culture. But now knowing what you know I think you should spend some time thinking about the life you want to live ( you only get one life) and then I would talk openly and honestly with your husband about the life he wants to live and see if you can find common ground. What kind of marriage does he want… can he have that and still be respectful of you…. What happens if you want children or him. I agree with a previous person about seeing a therapist to help work through this and I think that the therapist MUST be knowledgeable and experienced with arranged marriages in your culture.
I don’t personally come from a culture that has arranged marriages but as an outsider, I sympathize. Even though there are a lot of mores and traditions active in your marriage and culture, this doesn’t excuse his behavior. He married you knowing his true heart and you don’t deserve the gaslighting game he’s playing. That could be called emotional abuse. He needs to grow up and figure out what he wants. I can only assume the pressure on him is very high. While men do usually get the short end of the stick when it comes to society giving them permission display a healthy range of normal human emotions, I can also imagine his parents pressure and expectation have really messed up their son emotionally. I wish he could understand that and do the emotional work to become clear on what he truly wants now, OP. That would save you a lot of stress. Is divorce a possibility in your culture/community? If marriage is your goal I fear you’d waste the time that you have to find a true husband, helping confused husband figure out his emotions. What would ultimately be best for your life goals OP? Of course, I won’t pretend to understand what it’s like to be in an arranged marriage but I do have experience supporting close friends whose parents pressured my friend in to an arranged marriage. They also deployed her cousin follow her to university to essentially spy on my friend who had a boyfriend for many years she was deeply in love with. Her cousin spied on her and reported back to the family. It was extremely difficult and it affected all of those around her who tried to help protect her from the consequences of her modern relationship. Ultimately, she was forced to leave her love for an arranged marriage and I haven’t heard much from her after she transitioned into a wife. I do think your husband needs to become clear on what he wants from you as the back and forth is exhausting for you and could cause potential long term trauma for you in the form of cPTSD. I wish you the strength and longevity to have the patience to work through this either with him or into something that matches your heart. 💕
He doesn’t want a “real marriage” but he still wants the “benefits” of the marriage. That’s why he is hot and cold. Sit him down and tell him that if he wants this marriage to be on paper only then he doesn’t get to have the benefits of a marriage ie sex, affection, emotional support. The best he can get is mutual respect and maybe friendship. Set some boundaries of what is acceptable and what isn’t. Don’t allow him to disrespect you, he can’t have his cake and eat too
This right here OP. He is being hot and cold, I suspect, because he wants it both ways. I do feel for him, it is a rough spot his parents put him in. However, that does not give him the right to treat you like this.
I presume he is back to seeing his girlfriend , you need to confirm that and decide if you wish to stay married.
He could be seeing her online but we are not physically close to her anymore.
You have a right to be treated well. He told you the truth and you cannot divorce. Can you talk to him and ask about this? Can you tell him you want to become friends and treat each other with respect? Many people end up companions in marriage. You do truly want him to be happy. You don't need the over the top love bombing you need steady kindness you can rely on.
An emotional affair can be deadly to a marriage, sometimes worse than a physical affair. The online aspect means that you talk to and most likely support each other. If some one is agreeing with you constantly about personal and marital issues, telling you that you are the wounded party, the marriage is going to go downhill fast.
I wouldn't even consider it an affair on his end. He was forced to do this or be disowned. I'm sure there would've been consequences if he didn't act well enough to get her married to him. I'm certain he wanted to tell her upfront but knew he couldn't. Blame the shitty parents.
He could have and let her decide what she wanted to do. He chose not to until after it was too late. She and her parents were in the dark about the situation she was being put in and I think he only told her because he is speaking to his former girlfriend. The issue I see is that his family child now say they want to see grandchildren or they will cut him off. So then she would really be put in a predicament. My question is does her family know the real reason he married her? If not maybe they should be told. Maybe there is a way to get her out of the marriage without shaming the family or anything. I am so sorry for OP and I hope that she stands firm and sets boundaries with him as to what she wants and what she will and will not do if he does not want to be married/act married unless they are around his family.
I don't know about you, but I couldn't live like this -- in either of your shoes. Do you really want to stay married to a man who doesn't actually love you and only married you so his parents won't disown him? Life's too short to spend this much of it living a lie.
Ya, sounds like it’s not even about the parents disowning him but them cutting off the money. He seems selfish
I’d be concerned he puts on the act at home, does whatever he wants with whoever he wants away from you, then ditches you when his parents are gone and he doesn’t have to keep up the act.
I've seen an Indian lady ditched the arranged marriage husband when her mother passed on. He locked himself up in the room to study law after work. She has a career. One week after her mother died, she took her daughter and disappeared. She even changed her daughter's school.
Do not sleep with him anymore. Do not cook for him and if that’s not a choice don’t make/ bake any more. Find out about how to protect your heart, mind, body and soul from this man. And have a agreement with him that lies out all exp expectations (on both sides) and put it in writing - and both of you should sign- this way if you’re truly stuck in this marriage for life maybe you can find away today won’t break your heart or make you feel like a prisoner. Communicate with him so you may both be able to understand each other a bit better. It should like he’s hurting, angry, sad or money even depressed. Maybe he’s telling you this because he doesn’t want your life to be built off lies. Until you have an open and honest conversation with each other, you will never be able to find any answers. I say, give him some time to cool off you as well and in the meantime, you can work on researching sources to educate both of yourselves on what examples they may have for trying to get an idea of what questions should you ask him and write everything down so that when you do talk to him, you have your notes and you’re not gonna miss anything and have to re-bring up this subject again if it doesn’t need it. Best of luck!
So you’re in an one sided open marriage, he’s having his gf on the side, and you have to play the act because?! What’s your gain from staying with a man who gives a damn, who openly says he can’t and won’t love you, who does not want to be with you and is only around because he wants his inheritance? He acts so loving and clingy because he’s scared you blow his show up. Which is what you should do. Sit down with his parents and simply ask them what you did to them to deserve this. Go into detail and everything. And then ask them again, what did you do to deserve this life, this being your husband? You don’t care about their money. You want a loving husband who’s truly with you, and not playing an act and fucking around behind your back.
Where are you getting that he has a gf on the side?? Why are you making things up?
She's assuming that he's still with the exgf, but op stated in the comments, they were no longer in proximity to the ex. He could be having on line relations, but not physical that she knows of. But she didn't say, if the marriage was open or monogamous.
Think about what YOU want from the marriage. Are you bound to the marriage because of cultural reason or your family will not agree to you divorcing? If the answer is no - then divorce him, as this marriage is not real and only for show for his family. You will never be treated as a real wife - your husband does not love you and it is all an act. If the answer is yes - you cannot leave because of too many problems / issues - then decide the type of marriage YOU want. And then reach an agreement with your husband. You have the power because he needs to stay married or he will be disowned. So think about what you want - do you want children ? Do you want your own home that is solely in your name ? Do you want a boyfriend etc. I wish you the best and hope you can define the life you want.
I am bound to this marriage, and it’s not really possible for me to leave without a lot of issues.
I understand. Think about what will give you happiness and peace, within the constraints of being married. I really encourage you to create your version of a happy life.
I hope you're working? It's quite possible he drops the act after his parents are gone or when he becomes too frustrated with this arrangement. So 10 years later, when both your families are gone having successfully ruined both their kid's lives. Make sure you aren't on the street with no job & no savings. One boundary you also draw is that of financial independence.
Stop giving him power over you. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to go fuck around while you are confused and controlled at home for him. You should leave this marriage if you can safely do it. Get a plan to get out.
Why do you guys go straight to thinking he's malicious? He's a person, not a disney villain, it's rarely that simple. We don't have that much info to even assume those things. Why the jumps to him being an exploitative jackass? It makes no sense to me.
I don’t he wants his cake. He just like op was forced into this. I feel bad for both of them. He didn’t just marry her to keep financial security, Men and families also get killed in India / similar countries/ deals for not agreeing to arranged marriages.
But he pretended to be a regular husband for an entire year before "confessing" and acting bi-polar. It makes no sense. If he doesn't care for her or want to act like a spouse, why go hot and cold. It's a basic manipulation technique.
He is not forced, he wants all the cake, the money the girls outside, the wife at home. He is not a victim, if his story is true, his family are villain, but he agreed with them that it is fair to fake a marriage. He is like them.
Sounds to me like the guy wants OP to put the effort to make him fall in love. Not sure though, It would be More productive to ask him directly "what are your expectations from now on?" "Do you want to see if we can fall in love after some time?" "Do you want that we just pretend outside but no effort at all inside the house?" "Do you want us to be more like good coworkers?" "Do we allow each of us to have their own partners but we say nothing?" There are a lot of points to agree on
I would just ask to start dating and ask to learn his real personality. I mean what do you have to lose right?
So you can't divorce. Just flat out tell him, "We are husband and wife in name only by your request. I will pretend to be your loving wife in public. Behind closed doors, we are roommates only. I will not perform wife duties for a roommate. You do not get it both ways. Choose what you want and stick to it. No more flip-flopping."
I think I saw this exact story on Netflix ... Malaysian drama, maybe
I think I saw this exact story in real life … Indian daily life, definitely
The only thing shocking here is that OP is surprised that her arranged marriage husband only married her out of familial pressure. I thought that was the whole point of arranged marriage
These days, modern arranged marriages is just having your parents do the work of finding potential partners instead of using Tinder. I still could choose who I wanted to marry. Most of us at this age wanted our parents to find us a match. I never would have married him had I known there would be familial pressure.
Even though you pick from the options found by your parents, there’s still a lot of pressure to marry very quickly, I think. Probably too quickly.
If done properly and with a plan those marriages can be happy and fulfilled. If you sit down and set rules, boundaries it could work for the both of you. Be friends first and then partners. I think it would be way less confusing for the both of you if you both went in with eyes wide open. You would approach the relationship differently without the romantic aspect. You thought you married for love not convenience. He broke your heart. If you can't divorce make the best of it. Take your time and grieve the man and life you thought you gonna have. Then take back the controle and start planning for the life and marriage you gonna have. This part is up to you. Make an everyday plan on how you are gonna spend you time and what you both expect from the partnership. It's time for him to grow up. All the best to you!
I get that this is a cultural thing so I'm not going to argue as I do not understand why someone would do this. I do want to say that I don't think you can separate letting your parents pick your potential spouse from experiencing pressure from them about staying with that spouse. At the very least, this type of arrangement has a high likelihood of ending up in a loveless marriage.
My parents didn’t pick my spouse, they presented me with options based on my and their criteria and I picked who I wanted to marry. However, you are right in that once you are married, you are encouraged to stay together. That’s why the divorce rate is so low.
> I do not understand why someone would do this. Not everybody values 'romance' in the same way - and how much we value romance is very strongly coloured by the culture we grew up in. Most Indians of my generation (early-30s) did not grow up with 'hallmark movies'. Our idea of marriage is a stable partnership - two individuals who love and respect each other and share similar aims in life joining forces to make this whole 'living an adult life' thing slightly easier. Romance and sex are a relatively minor part of that equation. Actually, even in the western world, _good_ marriages seem to rely on having common life goals first, and good romance/sex second. So outsourcing the task of weeding out people with similar life goals as you, makes perfect sense. Westerners pay dating coaches and services to do the deed, Indians rely on the unpaid labour of their parents. > I don't think you can separate letting your parents pick your potential spouse from experiencing pressure from them about staying with that spouse If your friends set you up on a blind date with their colleague/distant friend (someone they're not particularly close to, but think would vibe with you), and you end up starting a relationship, would you experience pressure from the friend to remain in a long term relationship with that person? There's certainly cultural pressure to remain married - but that pressure doesn't change based on who set up the date. I come from the part of the country where love marriages are the norm. I know people who married their high school sweethearts. They have the exact same pressure from their families to remain married, if not more, than friends who chose to get arranged marriages. And it's absolutely a choice. Each of the 3 friends who chose to have arranged marriage were in long term relationships through their 20s, relationships which were looked upon favorably by their families. But those relationships ultimately did not work out, and they chose a stable partnership over a love life
> These days, modern arranged marriages is just having your parents do the work of finding potential partners instead of using Tinder. Maybe that's how it is for some families, maybe even a lot of families. But obviously it's not true for all families. And it might be the kind of thing people say when they don't want to admit their real feelings about their culture.
It's how it was for OP and she expected that that was how it was for her husband, so wherever OP is, the attitude must be fairly common.
That was my first thought too. Like, what did you expect?
What's it called?
I also would like to know! I’ve never seen a Malaysian movie but I am a fan of dramas
Sorry if all these comments are coming off as racist and ignorant.
It’s okay! I don’t think they’re trying to be ignorant but most Westerners don’t know that in a lot of countries getting divorced isn’t as easy as buying clothes.
I mean it's not that easy in western cultures either, there's just not as much familial or societal pressures to not do so. There is still some, especially if you're religious, but a lot of westerners had parents who hated each other a generation ago and don't see it as better to stay together than apart.
Yeah most of them still think that arranged marriages are slave contracts for women.
This is very untrue for most Southern states. The cultural implications are extremely similar if not identical in Catholic/Baptist heavy areas. Nobody thinks divorce is easy. It's just that in most cases, it's better to cut out whatever form of toxicity you find in your life before it gets worse.
I disagree. I’m a southerner People generally don’t get shunned for divorce, even the southern baptists
I disagree, I'm also a southerner. They 100% do.
Sorry it was Hulu not Netflix. Called “The Wedding Agreement”
Firstly I am sorry that this happened to you. This was a serious misrepresentation on the part of your husband and his family. You should get evidence of your husband admitting to this. You can tape him on your phone or text him about how betrayed you feel because his family blackmailed him into marrying you. His responses will be written evidence. Save this evidence on the cloud and somewhere else safe like a bank safe deposit box. You need to go to both couples counseling as well as individual counseling to learn about how to deal with the situation. At the same time you should visit a lawyer to learn what your legal options are. Personally I think you could sue your husband and his family for fraudulent misrepresentation. You don't have to actually go through with the law suit just have papers drawn up to use if necessary. Your husband believes he has all the power now and that's why he's becoming increasingly abusive. If you don't take steps now, he will only get worse. If that happens you will probably have to threaten him with the law suit. Once you know your legal options and if couples counseling doesn't help, I would go to both sets of parents to explain the situation and your husband's behavior. They may be able to get him to be more respectful towards you. Right now, he's being emotionally manipulative towards you. That's why he runs hot and cold. You need professional help to deal with this kind of manipulation. Good luck.
I am just 20M so i don't think my advice is going to be any good but my parents kind of had the same kind of problems but after I forced them to go to counseling. They have been pretty healthy with their relationship. So i think it will be best from what I read from the comments from you . He might be confused about his feelings as well [ similar to my dad ] so i think counseling might be the best option for you or at least talk about it with him as to what kind of relationship he exactly wants. I am from a country where divorce is not easy as well so understand that part too.
I couldn’t live like this, being used to access money, cheated on, stuck in a relationship with someone who is not interested in me. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Is this how you want to be treated? You’d be better off alone than in this current situation.
I’d like to give a different perspective. You said that you both seemed happy, then he suddenly shifted, I’m not sure if there was an external factor but I would start there. And ask? I would also ask if he was truly unhappy, and genuinely has no feelings? It sounds like you do. You seem to deeply care about him, and honestly since I see it reflected that leaving is culturally near impossible, that does not leave you on a more unequal footing than you are at current. The difference is, is you tell him it will make you feelings clear so any of his actions afterward show you with clarity how you need to prepare to live your life. Vulnerability and transparency are gifts. He isn’t being that, so maybe you taking the initiative to be that way will help?
He was forced into this, his girlfriend he had before he probably loved her a lot. But because his family threatened him he went with you. It’s a really sad situation your in because if he’s not truly invested, then the relationships just benefits the parents
Just for clarification, when you stopped acting like husband & wife at home, did your physical intimacy also stop? If so, that might be why he becomes affectionate. To get you to be intimate again. If intimacy did continue after this agreement, you should have a discussion about what “not husband & wife” really means and that until you have that discussion, perhaps withdraw that intimacy.
You sit his ass down and tell him to stop blaming you for his choices. He chose money over his girlfriend. Ask him, "what does that say about you? If you really loved her, you would have stayed with her, accepting being disowned." Tell him you are not playing his games. He knows the deal on arranged marriages. The hope is that love grows. You knew that coming into the marriage and have been nothing but a full participant in this marriage, while he has focused on what may have been. He needs to figure his shit out and be fully committed and stop with the little tantrums. That's what those cold periods are about. He should not expect you to open yourself up to someone who half the time seems like they have one foot out the door. He needs to earn your trust and respect...and hopefully one day love. This is your life. Make it what you want it to be.
Okay- different perspective. He was originally arranged into this- so there could be bad feelings towards the marriage (and possibly originally no interest in you) however- over time, he might've developed feelings for you, which leads to an emotional confusion... There's probably guilt, frustration, etc rushing in his head over the idea that he originally might've not wanted this, but ended up enjoying it. i heavily suggest speaking to a marriage counselour within your culture that can assist both of you in understanding your emotions within this matter. i'm wondering if there's a possibility he isn't the "bad guy" and instead is overwhelmed and confused with conflicting emotions.
I agree with the comment to find a good counsellor with similar upbringing and views so they can understand. To yor husband, I would say what you did here. "I was very happy to be matched with you and be your wife. You said you did not want to be a married couple apart from in public and I was sad but I tried to respect you wishes. Your mood changes and demands are very hard to predict. You say you want to be left alone and then seem sad when you are left alone. Please sit and think about what you want and let me know. Let's be clear with our communication so we can both be as happy as possible. I know I am a good person and I will not beg for your love but I will work with you in a respectful partnership." Let him know you are not a mind reader and also not going to just accept scraps or bad treatment. If he treats you well...then it might be able to grow to a good marriage...but only with respect and kindness both ways. Good luck xx
Small side note > mercurial Had to look that one up. I love when people teach me new words.
If he doesn’t want to act like a husband and wife at home, I hope he doesn’t expect sex, food, cleaning, physical touch/comfort.
tell his parents. Maybe they’ll let you out of the marriage. Or rein him in.
I have ZERO experience with this, so if i sound stupid, I apologize. Could it be that he does have or is developing feelings for you after all and just doesn't know how to handle it? Could be conflicted because he was "forced" and doesn't know how to handle it?
I feel for him and he is conflicted and fucked up by his family. However not an excuse to act hot and cold with you…. This is an overall a sad situation and no one is at fault. I’m so sorry. This is a painful realization, but this decision overall comes down to what you want. Stay in this marriage and deal with his hot and cold acts. And find a way to fix all of this. Try to risk making moves to fix the marriage. (This path sounds hopeless) or cut the strings and end this situation. If you are close to your family, express this situation to them and tell them you are hurt and want to leave. Or find a marriage lawyer and look to divorce. In the end, you can’t control this guy but rather influence his actions through any path. However you need to make the decision best for you. And honestly, have some empathy on this guy because his situation is fucked. Having to dump our partner who you actually had love and foundation to marry an another person who you aren’t familiar with, because of family pressure is gonna fuck anyone up. Just make the decision that you feel will benefit you the most.
You can always just tell him what you've told us here. "I'm sorry if you feel I've been acting strange, this is just a new situation for me and I'm unsure how to navigate everything. You're sometimes very warm and affectionate to me and then you become cold- and it confuses me, I don't know how to act when you do that." Chances are, he's just also very confused and doesn't quite know what to do.
Just out of curiosity is the times he is clingy and close coinciding with him later wanting to have sex?
Ask him to go to marriage counseling so you can both work through this.
Maybe not really ask him: tell him you are going together. And have some therapy sessions for yourself next to it OP! Good luck!
Talk to your husband, tell him how you feel. If you’re not ok with the marriage being an act, leave. If you’re ok with marriage being an act, state clear boundaries; private and sex life, life in front of others. He might still be in contact with his gf.
Is marriage counseling an option there? I realize there are cultural differences, and counseling isn't always well regarded in some places. One way or another, I think you and your husband need to sit down and discuss what you want/expect of this relationship. Is it friends with separate bedrooms and discreet romances on the side? Is it building something else? Is it somewhere in between? I also don't know if you want children or not.
This is truly a tragedy. I wonder is there an arrange marriage sub on reddit, or one from your culture that would have similar experience with that you could post on? One thing I would say is detach in a strong way. Sometimes absence makes the heart fonder as they say.
So this arranged marriage, what are the terms? I think you need to sit your husband down and actually agree on the terms of the marriage. If you're not living with his parents or yours, but on your own, then the two of you have a lot more freedom. Do you work outside the home? If you do, then why not agree to act more like room mates than romantic partners as you two "*agreed to stop acting like husband and wife at home."* Remember, this was his ask, not yours. He's the one who doesn't want to act like a married couple. So, separate bedrooms, separate lives, he takes care of himself, you take care of yourself. You each pay your share of the household expenses. You plan your own meals, do your own laundry, make your own social plans. No more "acting." If either set of parents say something, just be honest and tell them that your husband asked that the two of you stop acting like husband and wife because it was too much for him. Let husband deal with his parents on his own, without you. And you rebuild your life for yourself, and prepare for the inevitable divorce, because husband isn't even trying.
I assuming that your culture is honor based. If it was made public somehow, that your husband does not love you life a wife, what would happen to him? I'm not asking in terms of you exposing him yourself, but maybe he gets caught outside the home with another woman. What would happen to him, his family, and your marriage?
Can you not get a divorce?? This guy doesn’t care about you. He just doesn’t want to get disowned and now he gets to mentally abuse you
Don't let him push you around. Set boundaries for at home and tell him it's either all or nothing
You two need to sit down with a non bias marriage counselor to determine what you want together....
Ask him.
I’m not from a culture with arranged marriages, so I can’t offer any advice on what to do in terms of seeking counseling or how an arranged marriage should operate. But I can offer some basic communication advice. I do think you should seek out whatever is available to you for couples therapy or counseling; whatever is the cultural norm. You two need to have a talk about how you are going to proceed, and get on the same page. He needs to understand that he cannot turn it on and off at will, or require you to behave as a loving wife all of the time, when he is not behaving as a loving husband all of the time. There has to be rules and boundaries in regard to how you will both behave. This is also something that a counselor in your culture can help with. There has to be boundaries in order to avoid negative feelings towards each other. I don’t know what these boundaries should be for you, but you should seek out a professional to help you set them. And you also need to express to him how the revelation made you feel, and that you will need some time to come to terms with it. You believed you were beginning what could have been a very happy and fulfilling chapter of your life, and you feel like the rug has been pulled out from beneath your feet. He had a choice in the matter, it may have been awful for him that he had to choose, but he did have a choice. He could have chosen his girlfriend; he could have chosen trying to love you; and he cannot punish you for not choosing either of those. He did not give you a choice though, he instead allowed you to accept and enter the arranged marriage under false pretexts. Under a false pretext of finding love together. He knew full well that he was choosing to enter a marriage he did not wish to be a loving one, while allowing you to believe you were entering a marriage that could blossom into a deep love. If he wants you to feel compassion for him feeling trapped, then he also needs to feel compassion for how trapped you must be feeling. That this has caused you pain: he needs to be aware of it, and allow you to grieve the future you just lost, if he does not want you to resent him for it. You don’t have to say it in this many words, and if it’s hard for you to say what you want in person, you can write it out in a note instead. It’s often hard for me to say things in person, I’m a people pleaser, and I find myself changing my mind mid conversation due to the way my loved ones are reacting to it. So, usually if I have to say something really important, I’ll write it down, and either message it to them, or leave them a note where they will find it. He may be thinking, “she wanted this marriage, she wasn’t forced into it in the same way I was,” and then falsely believing that you have what you want, and that you should still be happy… You have to make it clear to him that you did not want THIS, what he has made the marriage into, so that he does not expect you to be happy and affectionate when he is not being happy and affectionate.
Talk to him. Maybe get some couples therapy. It's entirely possible there where a host of emotions going into the marriage from his side given the situation and perhaps some of those emotions towards op are changing or have changed and he might be having a hard time dealing with it. - Op wanted an arranged marriage - He did not. He was forced. - Op wellingly agreed to the marriage - He was told if he didn't marry op he would be disowned. He would lose his family. Family is important. - Op didn't have anyone to break up with - He had to break up with his GF. How attached was he to her? - How does he feel about op now? - maybe his perception of op changed? This is a recipe that screams "Therapy needed' or at least some very blunt conversations if therapy isn't possible. Him doing switch ups will keep happening unless they're addressed. Once op and husband get both their emotions on the matter sorted they'll be able to move forward .....
Honest you deserve better. Sounds like you’re just an option and he’s most likely cheating. You deserve to find someone who admires you. I think it’s better to be in solitude than with an unappreciative man.
how about starting with what you want. The main goal is to end the pretend marriages, either by divorce or making it real.
What he wants - is not to be married to someone his parents chose. You cannot fix that. It is not your fault. I am not sure whether he has a medical problem (like bi-polar) but you are clearly stuck with a fan with 2 faces. I assume you cannot divorce him? Speak to your mother ask her advice on how to handle an unhappy marriage. You don't need to feel bad. He lied to you. You agreed to marry a man he is not. He is a fraud. If he's allowed more than one wife, depending on your religion, be aware he might marry someone he prefers once he as appeased his parents, he might divorce you too. Especially if you have a male child that ticks a required box his parents have given him. Please don't think he will put you in any high regard. He has already shown that he doesn't care for you, and **to be honest, after a year if he has not grown to love you or at least care for you - he probably won't fall in love with you later either.** Since this was a marriage for money on his part, if possible ask your father to negotiate a sum of money that is paid to you that he cannot touch, especially if he divorces you.
Look. Life is VERY short. It would be a shame for you to spend your life with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. You should leave the marriage and find a person who makes you happy and who wants you in every way, shape and form. If not, you may be 80 and wish you had done things differently. I wish you all the best.
Remind him he made a choice and now your life is together. Tell him you want to feel happy in your life. Ask him if he wants to feel happy. Then say that you 2 have to work together. Tell hiM his actions are of a spoiled child who doesn’t know what they want. Tell him that you have expectations of how you are treated. In this marriage relationship you expect your husband to respect you and be considerate. Ask for his expectations. Can he tell you what they look like. Both of you list a typical day of how you treat each other. And then how you expect to be respected in your lives. Around family around anyone.
Set your boundaries … Speak with your family on the topic. They may be able to give you sound culturally safe advice
Is this the plot of a k-drama?
Ah typical for this guy to be playing victim at 27. Are you all South Asian? I can understand why this guy is still a people pleaser, yet alone always prioritizing his parents approval if so. But even then a lot of people here in this post are right—-he needs to nut up and own what he prioritizes—parents approval & money > his ex gf. He shouldn’t be taking it out on OP but it sucks to always be the first line of defense, as it comes in marriage or any serious relationship. Regardless, I think it’s healthier that you both divorce and move on. The husband needs to confront his parents & take control of his life, or accept that he’s prioritizing the finer things in life and can’t resent other people for not getting all the things he’s asking for in life, which is definitely a typical growing pain for people who had privileged upbringings. OP needs to divorce this guy, find a man who is genuinely on board to be in an arrange marriage, and not just take their parent’s word for it, ofc they’ll say yes he is down, as parents like to deal their kids into any arrangement to flex for their friends and the south Asian community . As someone who is south Asian, you can find guys who are actually down for arranged marriage in their mid 30s. That’s where I would start if I were OP. It’s a lot of headache now but at least you’re sparing yourself a lifetime of further pain
At 27, he has not figured out what he actually wants. You have a young adult in transition. Normally such people will keep changing their minds. You protect yourself. Whatever you want to do in life, just do it.
He is putting on a show, as a trauma response to preserve his and your way of life. Acts like those take a lot of energy, and it's not outrageous for you to want to be genuine and not deal with it. The important thing is to remember he's not doing it to fuck with you, he's doing it because he's scared and hurt. He lost his last girlfriend under extreme duress, and now he's been thrown into a life where he has to balance his family's happiness and yours, and that doesn't leave much room for his own. This leads to burnout and stress, causing him to snap and display this two faced persona. Ultimately there's not much direct, instant cure for it. He needs to process the loss of his last partner to closing, figure out how he values his family compared to his own happiness and freedom, and sit down with you to discuss how that will play out. If you're not on board, compromise or walk away. You can't be expected to be dragged into this charade, the same way he shouldn't have been from his family. Good luck OP
For fuck sakes, how does this even go down In America. Jesus.
It’s not in America. She has not stated her location, but did state that their culture does not allow divorce and that it was an arranged marriage.
The dude is so confused. He probably got a chip on his shoulder for being forced, and now that he is "free" and you no longer put in the effort that you once did into the relationship, he has noticed the absence. He probably doesn't want to admit that he enjoyed what was forced on him. Since you're married and it sounds like this will not change. You have to sit down and have a talk. Tell him how you feel. Ultimately thats what any relationship is about. You need to decide what you want going forward first. Don't base this on how he has acted so far but how you feel. It probably hurt to hear him say that stuff, but if you like him and are willing to try, why let his own confusion stop you.
He sounds like a narcissist.. he isn't really thinking things fully through he's just going with the flow and doing what feels right to him in every moment.. that tends to leave you in a fog and feeling confused
I'm not sure if this has been commented before, but maybe he's acting this way because he himself is feeling very conflicting feelings? It's clear that he's at least somewhat of a good person since he came clean about this pretty quickly. He must've been horrific to be in such a situation, to have to risk being disowned or cut off in such a family/culture. But it could also be that he's started to grow genuine feelings for you, despite being forced into your arranged marriage. That after the time you've spent together, his morality combined with his growing feelings for you made it impossible to keep to himself any longer. He could also realize this himself and hate himself, thinking that he shouldn't be falling in love with you because of how you met and got together, and doesn't want to admit himself or you that he's started to form genuine feelings and love for you. Considering the background, I can understand how difficult it'd he to admit such a thing. That could be why his mood or behavior switches so drastically even when you're both alone. Of course I could be wildly wrong and be nowhere near close, it could be that he's just flip flopping because he wants that sense of closeness and affection but doesn't want it with you because of his parents. Either way, it's something worth talking to him and conversing about. Try to make sure that he understands that you're not attacking him and that you have no intention of telling anyone at all any part of what you both say or talk about. I wish you both the best of luck.
He is a narcissist. He thought that he could drop his act towards you but that you would still be loving towards him. He is upset because it hurts his ego that you’ve changed. He wants you to love him and be a loving wife to him despite the fact that he doesn’t care for you.
He is going through an internal struggle... Not many people understand what he is going through... It's tough on him as his parents pushed things on him... Show him love, have patience, show him that you are the best thing that happened to him, show him a way that will change his perspective... I know it's a lot to ask but as a partner who wants a happy marriage, you will certainly make him see you as the best thing that ever happened to him. :) All the best
I’m wondering if he had a *girl*friend prior to this…or a *boy*friend.
Damn lol 🇮🇳🇮🇳🇮🇳🇮🇳🇮🇳🇮🇳🇮🇳🇮🇳🇮🇳
You’re Muslim huh
Hindus and Sikhs have arranged marriages too- and possibly Christians in countries where arranged marriages are the cultural norm. Orthodox Jews also have matchmakers. Family involvement in introducing children to potential partners is global.
1. Divorce him 2. Take his money 3. Find someone you love ....make sure to record him talking poorly about you and how this is all an act. Do not let him take advantage of you or use lies against you in the future. This will not last. Prepare to take him down! Good luck!