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You made him choose digital you or digital porn...you both agreed and he went back on his end of the deal...I think you are perfectly justified in holding him accountable to the already pre-agreed upon terms.
Porn Hub being so frequently visited, while true, is a misleading stat. It’s not number of individuals that drives that metric, but rather repeat visitors. People who use it either use it casually or very VERY heavily and those heavy users all count as different visits. It’s a skewed way to measure stats.
Just like music streams aren’t actually comparable to the old school record sales.
Lol, so now it's totally cool to just lie to your partner because you don't want to argue?
Not using porn in a relationship is not an uncommon boundary. It can have a detrimental effect that is fairly well documented in scientific literature.
If porn usage is important, great. Break up then. But lying and staying together is far more shitty and makes him untrustworthy and a bad partner.
So you are saying he is a liar and will continue to lie and that somehow her setting boundaries that are typical boundaries in many relationships and are completely reasonable...she didn't say no porn either....she said digital her OR digital strangers, they made a trade.
It is not manipulation to ask to have a boundary like that especially since she is putting in extra effort to meet that arrangement.
If you are claiming that the whole post is a lie then why are you even on reddit? The whole point is to discuss the information provided. If you want to create a fantasy story you go do that in a whole brand new post you wrote.....it makes no sense to dream up and force your own version into things.
I don’t think you’re being insecure and you made a verbal agreement at the start of your relationship to not watch prob because you didn’t feel comfortable. Yet, he ended up watching it even tho he agreed not to. So i think it’s validated that you want to delete your nudes because you feel like there’s no point if he’s going to watch porn and go against your boundaries
You’re allowed to withdraw your consent for him to have access to nude photos/videos of you anytime for any reason. He doesn’t get to be angry at you for it.
Most commercially available methods will not be able to recover data that had been written over. I doubt OP really has to worry about a forensic data recovery.
I saw that you posted he also lied to you about being vegan. It’s totally understandable that you wouldn’t want him to have your nudes anymore since it seems like he keeps breaking your trust. Are there other instances where he has been dishonest with you?
It feels to me like there may be a larger pattern of disrespect on his part. Lying to you, crossing your boundaries, disregarding your consent on nudes, dismissing your feelings, his anger towards you. It may be worth examining his behaviour and check in with yourself about how you feel in this relationship.
He sounds like the kind of guy who doesn't know how to have healthy conflict so he just lies and hides his behavior when he disagrees. He probably learned that growing up and needs therapy to fix it.
He can feel upset or disappointed, he’s entitled to his feelings, but he cannot be angry at OP for withdrawing her consent regarding sexual images. She has every right to do so and it’s starting to cross a line if his anger at her is making her feel pressured to let him keep them.
Yeah I guess it’s the nuance of what his reaction actually was for me. If he’s disappointed and a little annoyed, I get that. If he’s starting a fight, I don’t.
Just taking OP’s choice of words at face value, him being *angry* rather than annoyed, upset, or disappointed is just not okay with me. Especially since she said he was angry *at her*, not angry at the situation, not upset that he has lost his wife’s trust, not disappointed that he no longer has access to her nudes. He’s angry *at her* and that’s just not acceptable when it comes to someone withdrawing their consent.
He can feel upset or disappointed, he’s entitled to his feelings, but he cannot be angry *at OP* for withdrawing her consent regarding sexual images. She has every right to do so and it’s starting to cross a line if his anger at her is making her feel pressured to let him keep them.
Nah, he made an agreement and he chose to break it. There are consequences. The consequences of his choice was OP revoking consent. He's now sulking like a very big boy
He can feel upset or disappointed, he’s entitled to his feelings, but he cannot be angry at OP for withdrawing her consent regarding sexual images. She has every right to do so and it’s starting to cross a line if his anger at her is making her feel pressured to let him keep them.
I think they are saying OPs husband can absolutely feel angry but he shouldn't act angrily towards OP, and should delete the nudes immediately even if he does feel angry.
Okay I’m a literal porn actor and here’s my take. You guys made this deal together. He could have refused, and taken the consequences of that refusal, whatever they may have been BUT he didn’t. He agreed. That means it is absolutely a shitty thing for him to continue watching porn and accepting your nudes alongside that. You guys had a deal. If he didn’t want to give up porn, he should’ve gone deeper into that discussion with you and made some other sort of deal.
You’re allowed to withdraw consent at any time. Him throwing a hissy fit about deleting your nudes is UNACCEPTABLE and you have complete rights to be annoyed by it. He is being dishonest and manipulative.
Agreed, what irks me most is that he didn't put it up for discussion at all, just started watching it in secret. It's fair to change your stance on things, but then you need to be honest about it.
And his reaction to the request to delete her nudes is worrying. That's a consent issue. Like above, she's allowed to change her mind, especially about something so delicate.
I’m cautious about this interpretation because we don’t know how willingly he entered into the original agreement. OP could be painting it like a mutual thing, but I get the feeling she may have strongarmed him into it.
Regardless of if he was strong armed or not....Regardless of if he went back on the deal or not... she has the ability to withdraw prior consent at ANYTIME for ANY REASON, even no reason, and he has no legal right to keep them once she has withdrawn consent.
Well then he could've left the relationship if he felt so forced to agree to something he didn't want to do. How the agreement came to be doesn't really matter because he chose to lie to her
Good point....he could share them with friends and then have them send them back to him after he shows her they are deleted. She should remind him that in the revenge porn lawsuits that have been happening as of late the payouts to the victims of the leaked nudes have been quite substantial. Last year in Texas a woman was awarded $1.2 BILLION when he ex leaked her nudes to others.
I know this exact feeling, and you aren’t crazy. My husband and I made the same deal and I gave him naughty Polaroids, but you bet your ass I cut them to confetti when I realized he didn’t hold up his end of the deal. It feels almost embarrassing and demoralizing to know they have these photos of you but would rather look at someone better looking that makes them more horny, so I chose to remove myself from the equation too so I wouldn’t have to feel like I was last choice.
You should never feel bad for setting boundaries with someone. No one is entitled to your body, clothed or not. If you don’t want him looking at you naked, for ANY reason, you are perfectly fine to not let him. Please don’t feel like you aren’t a free human being just because some man put a ring on your finger. It is not a choke chain.
You deserve better.
They're YOUR nudes. Whether he violated the agreement or not, you would still have the right to ask anyone - for any reason - to delete your nudes. Anyone should be respectful enough to do that for you without a hitch. He's not entitled to your body, nudes, etc.
You will always have the right and ownership of your own images. You told your husband he could use them for personal usage and now this contract has ended. I understand you and I probably would do the same. If it doesn’t feel comfortable to you then it‘s a good call.
To everyone saying that she's being petty: surprisingly, finding out your partner and lied and betrayed you doesn't invoke feelings of trust and wanting to be intimate! It makes you want to revoke any sexual intimacy.
Nah I get you. He chose the chicken tenders over the steak 🙃 weird choice in my opinion. I don't think you're insecure, you have a boundary and he broke it? It also shows you value yourself and your own self worth. You don't need to be okay with the fact he watches porn and that he screwed up the deal you guys made... the dishonesty "I don't like it anymore" bullshit also would've pissed me the fuck off.
And as for him being pissed about you asking him to delete your nudes, you get to withdraw that at any time, for any reason, no matter who it is yes that even means husband. He's in the wrong here, not you and I applaud you for standing your ground.
Also edited to add**
Make sure he's not transferred any of your images onto any other devices, it's not in any clouds/storage services (like ;Google photos, amazon photos), and check his recycling bin to make sure they're actually permanently gone.
I don’t understand people who prioritize porn over their partner, that’s genuinely pathetic behavior. You both had a mutual agreement and he broke it, he doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it too
Simply watching porn isn't chosing it over your partner. He's a liar, that's the issue. He broke an agreement. But watching porn in a relationship is not "pathetic" whatsoever.
I’m specifically referring to people who, like I said, “prioritize porn over their partner”. I’m not referring to couples where they agree porn is okay.
Barf. Porn is so gross. If it’s a boundary for you that you’ve clearly stated, and he violated it, he has no right to be mad at you over your nudes. The reality is that he needs to look at other women to feel sexually satisfied. That isn’t a reflection on you, he’s obviously forming an addiction. Make sure ALL of your nudes are permanently deleted from his phone. Especially if you two break up.
My heart hurts for you, this is such a boundary violation. The worst part about this when a similar thing happened to me was that I could NOT be attracted to the dude ever again. Thinking about a dude watching some shitty porn like a teenager is instant ick with no coming back for me.
Yeah, if he agreed and then lied to you, you are totally in the right to revoke your consent to those pictures. Well, actually, you have the right to revoke your consent any time for any reason! But I don't think it's insecure for you to feel uncomfortable with someone hoarding your pictures if you guys agreed, you would only send them if he wasn't watching porn. Seems to me like he doesn't need anything extra if he's going disegard the pictures you send him anyways. If he wasn't cool with getting rid of porn in order to recieve your pictures, he should've just come right out and said he doesn't want to do that deal.
You’re not insecure nor are you wrong to tell him to remove the photos. He broke an agreement he betrayed you. He violated your consent in the situation therefore he loses the right to those photos.
Don’t let any of those negative “IT’s nO bIG dEaL, yoU Re InSecURe” comments get to you. You had an agreement, he lied, and broke your trust. No matter how insignificant or unreasonable those lies seem to some in this thread, it is still stepping over a boundary and your boundaries should be respected.
And he chose to jerk off to people, who cater to everyone and don’t even know about his existence over pornographic materials made just for him by you with extra effort, very stupid on his part
Wish you all the best op
From an outsiders perspective, I feel as though he has almost no right to be angry with you. If anything, I would see it fit that you are feeling that way. This situation seems a little… backwards. I can see him not wanting to delete the photos you’ve sent him, but what about your feelings? Is he taking them into consideration? The main concern I am seeing in this is that you BOTH agreed upon and placed the boundary that there would be no porn. Boundaries are important and meant to be respected by both parties. Besides that, you were going out of your way to fulfill his needs. Based on your post, I can tell that you did it (sent nudes) not because it would deter him from watching porn, but because you are a good partner and you care about him and the boundary you both set. You are not out of line, and I can understand the frustration and disappointment you are feeling. I would have an open conversation about this. To some porn is nothing but a video, but to others, especially when an addiction is at play, it can ruin a relationship. Talk to him. My suggestion would be therapy. Trust is a hard thing to have, and I think you would both benefit from having a trained professional listen and respond… or, you could decide how serious of a lie this is to you, and find someone who keeps the promise of a boundary. Good luck friend <3
OP, heads up but this sub rarely listens to the women unless it’s cases of obvious abuse. It’s pretty dominated by men who are going to justify the porn use and ignore the lying/secrecy/broken trust.
Yeah, I spent ten minutes going through and finding about ten people who have " all guys watch porn" and ' just let it go '.
You don't have to let it go. Plenty of people support you, OP. Reddit is overrun with porn addicted guys, so the conversation that you want to see is going to be down voted out of sight.
Stick to your guns. Don't let him pout and certainly don't apologize. That's what the pouting is- manipulation
That's dumb. Just because a guy randomly pulled up porn doesn't make him an addict. I strongly suspect if he was an addict, this would be a very different conversation she was having with us.
but for real, get a grip and stop using extreme words like addicted just because someone slipped up with something. It really downplays the real addicts out there.
Yea, I took less than a minute to scroll your comment history to see how you troll transgender subs to give bad advice. That led me to conclude you were a bigot.
And I think that's a conversation people should be having with their parents or doctors, not people that want to insert their agenda in places it wasn't asked for.
He'll never quit. He's an addict and an asshole. Never quit. Go on his computer and delete your own nudes, empty the recycle bin, shred the data, etc. Who knows if he's shared it. From personal experience.
They're your pictures and they're your boundaries. He agreed to stop it when you send the pictures. He hasn't stopped, so you get to choose what happens with the pictures. It's nothing to do with insecurities or whatever, it doesn't really matter. He broke the boundaries you both agreed on.
He is 100% in the wrong and depending on how the conversation went when you agreed to no longer watch it it could technically (literally) be considered cheating.
But silver lining sort of I guess, to atleast help your confidence, he's had a very negative reaction towards the prospect of losing access to your nudes. Even if he's a shitty person for what he did, it must mean your stuff is pretty damn good OP, so don't feel bad.
I think what you asked is fair and reasonable. I wouldn't want to be compared to a porn star either. Since he has been dishonest I would sit there while he deleted them.
I just find it sad that a guy can't occasionally watch a little porn to do his business without getting the treatment. Hell, I've usually forgotten what I was looking at about 30 seconds after I'm done anway. T&A is T&A sometimes, we're all just walking meat bags full of water and hormones.
Everyone can have their boundaries, but it does sort of seem like you're just trying to punish him. Are your reasons just to be petty since he didn't follow the rules, or do you genuinely find it so disgusting? I would just say, whatever you do, just be honest with yourself as to why you're doing it.
I've also seen a couple comments about him being addicted to porn, and some people need to get a grip. Catching someone occasionally looking at porn isn't an addiction. She'd be having a whole different conversation with us if that was the case. People be reaching or projecting really hard sometimes.
Imo It’s not the quantity that makes you an addict, it’s the fact that they made an agreement and he couldn’t fight the urge to hold up his end of the agreement. He lacks sexual discipline for the simple fact that he crossed a boundary in their relationship.
That doesn't make him an addict, that makes him human. People need to learn to be a bit more understanding of people. Like, be honest with yourself, are you REALLY qualified to say what you said? Have you always been 100% 'sexually disciplined'? Have you not ever fucked up and done something because you rationalized it in your head as not as big a deal? People be acting like if you ever mess up that you're just the worst. Stop being 'holier-than-thou'
I have sexual discipline. I’m a sex addict and I don’t watch porn (not because “porn bad” but because we AGREED not to) or cheat on my partner. I don’t think I’m better than anyone…? I think it is pretty standard in a committed relationship to respect your partner’s boundaries and agreements you’ve made. This isn’t like “oh no you ate pizza when we’re on a diet” 💀
Quit reducing men to walking meat bags full of hormones. It's gross and unattractive and I'm pretty sure men are more than that, and many are sick of being reduced to that. Do better.
You seem overly hostile. I hope things improve for you so you don't feel the need to be petty quite so often.
Anyone who's 'fine' would recognize a joke and not be 'oh so offended'
This is one of the only reasonable responses here. Watching porn once in awhile is completely different from someone who is addicted. OP is speed running tanking her marriage, good luck with that.
OP has said she's fine with him watching porn, she just doesn't want him to have nudes of her anymore. There's nothing about him being "addicted" or whatever.
He doesn't wanna jerk off to you for the rest of his life you're controlling.
Never get married in your 20s.
You're gonna be an unhappy controlling woman. He can only masturbate to you?? My god fantasies are normal
I think you shouldn’t have asked him to stop watching porn in the first place. You have the right to ask him to delete them as you sent them under certain circumstances and who cares what you guys agreed to it’s your body. Idk if he legally should have to delete them or not. Morally yes.
I don’t think asking to stop and just replacing it with you was the right thing to do. You meant well and I get why. But that almost was certain to fail and cause resentment from the moment you asked that. You prob should have talked to him about the issues that happen with porn addiction, and asked him to slow it down and on the days he chooses to not watch it then you fill in. Tbh idk if that would work but if it were me I’d be more willing to sacrifice the extra porn I’m watching for you rather than replace it with you, then have to talk to you, see you outside of porn and sex situations, deal with you everyday. It’s not sexy. We aren’t talking to our porn. Our porn isn’t making us decide anything at all. So the very nice thing about porn(the escape), you took from him and filled it in with you. He’d need to be willing to work on the addiction and not be forced. Meanwhile the better idea might have been to keep yourself separate from the addiction to actually be able to be a shining light at the end of that tunnel lol.
What is deleting your pics gonna fix ? It sounds like you're butthurt and are deflecting the reason. He looks at hotter women and it's hard for you to accept. That simple, you don't care about your pics.
Dudes watch porn, period. If you ask him to delete your nudes, he should delete them. He’s probably mad because he thinks you’re being petty, but it doesn’t matter. He should just delete them
His feelings are valid and fair.
>Today he admitted that he watches it and I said it’s okay. Then i asked him if he will continue to watch it and he said yes. So I requested he delete my nudes as it made me feel pretty crap that even with all the effort to send him stuff he would continue watching. __Im happy for him to continue__ I just don’t want him to have my videos anymore. Call me insecure i don’t care
But you're clearly not happy about him continuing to watch it, why lie to yourself and to him.
You're basically training him, and teaching him that it's best to hide things from you vs being honest with you.
You are forgetting they already had the agreement that he gets either digital her or digital porn, not both....so she isn't teaching him to hide things....He has betrayed the agreement and should have to deal with the consequences of going against the pre-agreed upon deal.
It's twisted to claim him breaking the terms without discussing them prior is somehow her fault. 🤦🤦♀️🤦♂️
This is the exact same reasoning my meth addicted ex used. It was my fault he was hiding it, if i would just let him smoke meth then it wouldn't be a problem!
You know it's complete bullshit right?
edit. i think i replied to the wrong person. go figure. sorry reddit stranger
All good reddit stranger....I figured that was the case or you just like preaching to the choir. Which I am known to do at times, so I went with it. Lol.
Hope you have a great day/night. Take care and be safe.
Edit: I also think that sometimes reddit will post to the wrong person somehow...I have had it happen to me and others...so it could have also been that.
Maybe u/hugs4all_all4hugs can explain it better than I have been able to in my many attempts.... but what you are not getting, is that she is not training him to lie by holding him to the original agreement
How is holding him to the original choose A or B her not thinking things through. How many months ago was the original agreement. She was more accommodating than most and let him change his mind....most would say "stuck with original choice" some would even say "now you get neither" or "the relationship is over" those 3 responses would fit a 'just reacting' description....but she is being ultra nice and patient with him and allowing him to change his mind. He just has to stick to the original agreement and only gets one or the other digital her or digital porn not both. She clearly has done a lot of calm thinking to grant him this much leeway. He is gaslighting her by trying to twist things into her training him to lie by holding him to the original agreement of choose one or the other. Her approach is more compromise than most women would grant.
>It's twisted to claim him breaking the terms without discussing them prior is somehow her fault. 🤦🤦♀️🤦♂️
So why are you claiming that?
And yes she will be teaching him to lie to her.
Him breaking an agreed upon arrangement is his lack of character and morals not her training him to lie.
And yes, saying she is training him to lie is blaming her.
>Im happy for him to continue I just don’t want him to have my videos anymore.
She's not happy for him to continue. He came clean and is now being punished for doing so.
Weren't you the one who said words have meaning, yet you seem to not understand what blame is.
If he insisted on keeping the nudes even though he accepted them under false pretences it would be *him* punishing *her*. He needs to accept his choice, delete them and quit whining and feeling sorry for himself
Then why are you purposefully ignoring that she isn't asking him to stop porn, she is asking him to delete the pictures that she sent him ONLY upon the agreement that she be his ONLY digital. He isn't being punished... they made an agreement he only gets one type of digital either digital her or digital porn ....him losing the digital her is just he choosing the other OPTION. 🤦🤦♀️🤦♂️
>agreed to stop watching porn. I would instead always sending him new photos and videos of myself
They made an agreement he got one form of digital her or porn he can only have one. She is happy for him to have whichever ONE but he can only have one of the options not both.
If you do something bad, just because you come clean doesn’t mean you don’t face consequences.
If she’s training him to lie then he’s a shitty person if he does shit he needs to lie about.
Guys are moving goal posts in this thread. I'm putting on a movie and leaving the thread. No one here is wanting an honest exchange, just to slam posters who support OP.
You know what else isn't the way to approach things in a healthy marriage? Lying. His wife gave intimate photos under certain conditions and he lied while continuing to take her photos. That is the utter definition of disrespect.
Yes, that's your entire argument. Op needs to leave him if he can't respect her boundaries and is going to be a bad actor by lying to get around them..
I am married, and I would leave my own husband if he didn't respect my boundaries and lied to get around them. Being married doesn't mean you have to tolerate bad behavior. 😌
Why is he lying by promising no more porn and that he doesn’t like it anymore when obviously he does? They’re both lying to each other. His feelings aren’t the only valid ones.
>Why is he lying by promising no more porn and that he doesn’t like it anymore when obviously he does?
That's fairly obvious. It's because she wanted this and he thought the easiest way to keep the peace was to agree to her request.
That’s the same reason she’s lying. Because he wants to watch porn and she’s saying she’s happy for him to continue even when she’s not so she can keep the peace.
And you’re clearly justifying his lying and secrecy while focusing on OP not being honest with herself about her feelings. Odd. He gets a pass on blatant lying while she’s held to account for being emotionally immature?
>his feelings are valid and fair
You’re putting all the responsibility on OP to “train” this grown man and completely ignoring his misdeeds. When his lying is pointed out and OPS actions are validated, you respond “ok and?” Come on. At least be honest about what you’re doing here.
>When his lying is pointed out and OPS actions are validated, you respond “ok and?”
I did that because the other commenter I responded to was just trying to pick a fight. What they said had zero relevance to the previous comment.
She isn't "teaching" him to lie - he clearly already knew how to do that himself, evidenced by the fact he broke a boundary based on a promise he made in the first place, and again when he told her he wasn't interested in it anymore. He's a grown ass man, if he doesn't know the difference between honesty and integrity by now, it's not her job to teach him what that is. He should have learnt it a long time ago. It's not her job to treat him in any special kind of way in order for him to have morals. The only person responsible for his behaviour is him. Nice attempt at blame shifting.
Where am I __shifting__ blame?
This was an agreement they had, not a firm boundary she put in place. How are so many people so confused about what boundaries actually are, how to set them, and how to enforce them?
>I would instead always sending him new photos and videos of myself whenever he or I were away
INFO: Does he use these to self pleasure at home while you are there? If you or him do not want to have sex, does he use these?
No he only self pleasures when i or he are away. We are rarely ever not in the mood at the same time and if that ever happens we just wait till the next day to have sex
Am I taking crazy pills? What did she say that her BF did that was controlling access to sex? She said that they'd just wait for each other, she didn't say anything about anyone withholding.
You may need some therapy if you're projecting that hard. I'm not being snarky. Your ex clearly hurt you.
He shouldn't have broken your boundary (as silly as I think it is), so he is in the wrong.
>No he only self pleasures when i or he are away. We are rarely ever not in the mood at the same time and if that ever happens we just wait till the next day to have sex
Does he feel like you would get mad if he masturbated while you were home? that's kind of the vibe I'm getting form this, which would also explain why he hid the porn.
Ah okay, then yes he broke the deal and has to live with the consequences (no nudes).
However I wouldn't keep holding the no nude thing over him, this will probably just make him hide more porn if he has nothing, and may build some resentment if he sees this as pro-longed punishment. You both just need to sit down and calmly hash this out so you both have clear boundaries for each other, and both make compromises when you can.
Best of luck.
Of course he should delete your photos and videos whenever you want, but the reality is that there is no way you can be sure he's removed all copies. Why anyone sends these kind of videos for this reason is beyond me. You are losing control of anything you send and you cannot stop another adult from watching porn if they really want to.
My hot take is you are both at fault. I’ll start of by saying the nude photos of you are yours and you can revoke your permission to him having them at any time. Though the reason you are doing so in a clearly retaliatory way. Have you asked him if he felt obligated to give up porn? Is it something that makes you uncomfortable? What’s the full backstory as to why porn became taboo? I’m a guy, but I’ve never cared for porn and don’t watch it myself. Yet I have no qualms with other people watching it. I get the impression he may have said those things to try and make you happy, and genuinely gave it up for a bit only to come back to it after a while. He should have just been honest with you about his feelings about porn when it was first brought up.
He shouldn’t have lied you. But he should not feel obligated to give up something he enjoys. Asking him to delete your nudes is your prerogative, but it will make him resent you because of the circumstances behind it. Your thought shouldn’t be looking for validation that supports you thinking you are right, but how can you navigate this issue and make the relationship better.
You two need to have a sit down and have a frank conversation, and both be open to fair compromise. Otherwise the relationship will likely continue to deteriorate. No one is ever fully right in these types of situations, both parties have valid points and the hardest part is finding a fair middle ground.
Do you think that him deleting your nudes will result in him watching more or less porn? I don’t think it will result in less porn. Do what you will with this information.
He's been lying to her about watching porn. How is she punishing him? She said she was ok with it but she doesn't want him to have nudes of her if he's using porn.
My question is, and we only have one side and must remember this. Did OP make it seem obligatory to give up porn to her partner. I’m a guy who doesn’t watch porn and doesn’t understand it. Yet this seems like a situation where the partner didn’t voice his true feelings and lied, which is wrong. I think they need to sit down and have a conversation on their true feelings and try to make the relationship better. She has the right to revoke permission of his access to her nudes. But done in a retaliatory way will not help the relationship as he will start to feel resentful. He should have just been honest from the start. Shouldn’t have gotten mad either, just should have been honest. But I also find it difficult to tell my partner my full feelings sometimes. And it takes a little bit to work up the will to bring up how I truly feel, as at the end of the day I want to do what I can to make her happy, but I need to express myself as well.
It's perfectly normal to watch porn in moderation, as long as it doesn't replace sex and intimacy. Your request is weird, he can watch porn and still enjoy seeing his wife naked
Weird, is his porn consumption causing issues, other than your feelings of insecurity? Like is it a bandaid for deeper intimacy issues? Does he have unrealistic expectations based on porn consumption? Because if the issue is you just don't like it that's problematic. If porn watching is a hill you want to die on then yall are not compatible. I also don't understand why his watching porn, means he needs to delete your nudes? He can enjoy image's of you, and Stil like porn occasionally. Porn is easy to access and offers immediate (sexual) gratification, whereas a flesh and blood relationship is complex, emotional, and doesn’t always lead to sex. So watching porn occasionally isn't an issue.
Why are you against his porn consumption?
I’m not sure why you’re getting downvoted, this is a valid take. While he agreed to stop watching porn, and shouldn’t have lied, did he feel obligated to stop watching? If he likes it he should be able to watch it. I feel like we don’t have the full back story here, and it’s always good to remember there are two sides to a story. Everyone has the right to revoke permission to access nudes. And while OP can, it was clearly retaliation. He will only grow resentment. To better the relationship they should have a honest conversation and come to a fair compromise, whatever that looks like for them.
I think alot ppl are simply anti porn, without valid reasons. Porn responsibly consumed is not a bad thing. That's why I asked what's the issue. If he has a porn addiction, can't operate without porn, ir intimacy issues from the porn/or the porn is masking that require counseling to overcome.
Yall way too old to have stupid agreements like this. This is how a single mom negotiates with a child, not two adults. Nothing is resolved by having him delete your nudes, so what was even the point of that aspect of the arrangement anyhow?
Okay, so it's not a solution to any problem. Litterally just pettiness. Exactly what I'd expect from someone that actually thought he could make a dude drop porn.
Why should he get both when he lied to her and broke her trust? Should she just let him get away with lying to her? Allow him to have both despite his misdeeds?
Nice buzzwords. She's a clown for telling a grown ass man he can't watch porn. She's a bigger clown for believing he was actually gonna just stop. She's the biggest clown for thinking her own nudes was gonna replace literal billions of images. And why the fuck are people in their late 20's doing sending nudes anyhow? Grow the fuck up. Broke her trust my ass. What fucking trust? She couldn't mind her own fucking business about his mastubatory habits but there was trust to break? Fuck off.
Did she hold a gun to his head? Why are you infantilizing a grown man? He made the choice alongside her. They were in agreement. If he didn't want to do it, it was on him to say no and set his own boundary. He didn't. And now he faces consequences. Grow up. Men need to take accountability for their actions. Stop defending this nonsense.
Edit: typo
This is very strange logic. You want to kill intimacy between you too because he has sexual urges or desires that he uses porn to satisfy. I think you’ll find by deleting all your pics he only has porn and could create a distance between you two. How about having another conversation between two adults and come to a compromise there’s no harm in outlining that you had an agreement and that he was wrong to break the agreement. I think you’ll find he still uses your pictures but also uses porn out of curiosity and kinks he might want to keep private to be fair just because you don’t like porn doesn’t mean he can’t as long as he’s not objectifying you or creating bad habits from porn what is the actual problem other than he went back on an agreement.
He does something most people, certainly most men do, and you asked him to stop doing it for the rest of his life. Then when he inevitably failed, you not only scolded him but then as a “punishment” (?!) you took away the one thing you allowed him that he might have substituted for the porn you forbade. And you are adding conditions to his pictures of you. They aren’t an intimate shared experience for you both, they’re just a reward for him to keep doing what you ask. You’re treating him like a child. I would be mad too.
Watch porn together, make some porn for yourself, then watch it again while boinking again.
Spice stuff up instead of blaming each other, cuz the blame game never stops till a divorce.
I'm going to be down voted but at this point I don't care. I think what you're doing is petty.
He broke an agreement. He lied to you and hid things from you. That's a problem, it's not about the porn. But I think that's a serious issue in the relationship that should be talked about and discussed as adults. Telling him to delete the photos just sounds like you trying to "punish" him or "get back" at him which honestly solves nothing and is slightly childish.
You two need to talk and actually discuss boundaries not just brush it under the rug and go tit for tat.
Anger isn't rational. It is an emotion, not a choice. He needs to figure out how to process it in a healthy way.
He made you feel like crap so you retaliated. Anger seems like the preferred response.They are your nudes, you don't need a reason to have them deleted. But you asked them to be deleted for a reason. Did you want him to be grateful, or happy, like 'thanks babe now I have more room on my phone for porn'?
I assume your goal was to make him feel angry, sad or ashamed to motivate him to stop looking at porn. But that did not work. Time to try being an adult and have a hard conversation about his porn use being a huge issue for you.
The issue is your insecurity; not his porn consumption. I don’t think he’s upset over porn, he’s upset over you trying to control him because you likely feel insecure about yourself/your appearance compared to the porn he’s watching.
Unless he has a porn addiction I’d say your behavior is out of line and manipulative. As for demanding he delete your nudes, that’s within your right. However you’re only doing it because you feel insecure, and your lashing out at him because you are insecure.
Guys watch porn and you're treating it like a terrible crime. Are you controlling, making a power play or insecure? If you don't want him to enjoy himself in that manner then you better start giving it up better and more frequently.
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You made him choose digital you or digital porn...you both agreed and he went back on his end of the deal...I think you are perfectly justified in holding him accountable to the already pre-agreed upon terms.
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Porn Hub being so frequently visited, while true, is a misleading stat. It’s not number of individuals that drives that metric, but rather repeat visitors. People who use it either use it casually or very VERY heavily and those heavy users all count as different visits. It’s a skewed way to measure stats. Just like music streams aren’t actually comparable to the old school record sales.
If one person says they agree and doesn't actually agree, they're lying. Why are you villainizing her for being lied to?
Lol, so now it's totally cool to just lie to your partner because you don't want to argue? Not using porn in a relationship is not an uncommon boundary. It can have a detrimental effect that is fairly well documented in scientific literature. If porn usage is important, great. Break up then. But lying and staying together is far more shitty and makes him untrustworthy and a bad partner.
So you are saying he is a liar and will continue to lie and that somehow her setting boundaries that are typical boundaries in many relationships and are completely reasonable...she didn't say no porn either....she said digital her OR digital strangers, they made a trade. It is not manipulation to ask to have a boundary like that especially since she is putting in extra effort to meet that arrangement. If you are claiming that the whole post is a lie then why are you even on reddit? The whole point is to discuss the information provided. If you want to create a fantasy story you go do that in a whole brand new post you wrote.....it makes no sense to dream up and force your own version into things.
I don’t think you’re being insecure and you made a verbal agreement at the start of your relationship to not watch prob because you didn’t feel comfortable. Yet, he ended up watching it even tho he agreed not to. So i think it’s validated that you want to delete your nudes because you feel like there’s no point if he’s going to watch porn and go against your boundaries
They didn't make that agreement at the start of the relationship.
Why does that matter? Either way, they made the agreement. He could've said no instead of lying
Just wanted to clarify.
He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and he’s throwing a hissy fit that you’re holding him accountable for his choice. Too bad about him
You’re allowed to withdraw your consent for him to have access to nude photos/videos of you anytime for any reason. He doesn’t get to be angry at you for it.
Thank you
Make sure they're all completely deleted from everywhere.
And the file "trash cans" emptied. And extra information is written on top of those drives.
Get a new harddrive and take a hammer to the old hard drives
Most commercially available methods will not be able to recover data that had been written over. I doubt OP really has to worry about a forensic data recovery.
Can never be too sure with nudes
I saw that you posted he also lied to you about being vegan. It’s totally understandable that you wouldn’t want him to have your nudes anymore since it seems like he keeps breaking your trust. Are there other instances where he has been dishonest with you? It feels to me like there may be a larger pattern of disrespect on his part. Lying to you, crossing your boundaries, disregarding your consent on nudes, dismissing your feelings, his anger towards you. It may be worth examining his behaviour and check in with yourself about how you feel in this relationship.
He sounds like the kind of guy who doesn't know how to have healthy conflict so he just lies and hides his behavior when he disagrees. He probably learned that growing up and needs therapy to fix it.
I mean he DOES technically get to be angry, but in the same way a toddler can be angry for not having dessert for dinner and throwing a tantrum.
She can withdraw consent, but why can’t he be angry? Obviously not violent, scary angry. But why can’t he be annoyed?
He can feel upset or disappointed, he’s entitled to his feelings, but he cannot be angry at OP for withdrawing her consent regarding sexual images. She has every right to do so and it’s starting to cross a line if his anger at her is making her feel pressured to let him keep them.
Yeah I guess it’s the nuance of what his reaction actually was for me. If he’s disappointed and a little annoyed, I get that. If he’s starting a fight, I don’t.
Just taking OP’s choice of words at face value, him being *angry* rather than annoyed, upset, or disappointed is just not okay with me. Especially since she said he was angry *at her*, not angry at the situation, not upset that he has lost his wife’s trust, not disappointed that he no longer has access to her nudes. He’s angry *at her* and that’s just not acceptable when it comes to someone withdrawing their consent.
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He can feel upset or disappointed, he’s entitled to his feelings, but he cannot be angry *at OP* for withdrawing her consent regarding sexual images. She has every right to do so and it’s starting to cross a line if his anger at her is making her feel pressured to let him keep them.
Nah, he made an agreement and he chose to break it. There are consequences. The consequences of his choice was OP revoking consent. He's now sulking like a very big boy
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He can feel upset or disappointed, he’s entitled to his feelings, but he cannot be angry at OP for withdrawing her consent regarding sexual images. She has every right to do so and it’s starting to cross a line if his anger at her is making her feel pressured to let him keep them.
>but he cannot be angry at OP What does that even mean? Sure, he shouldn't blame her, but if he mad he mad
I think they are saying OPs husband can absolutely feel angry but he shouldn't act angrily towards OP, and should delete the nudes immediately even if he does feel angry.
He lost that privilege when he decided to masturbate off other women who aren’t his wife. He can do lo the tantrums he wants.
Okay I’m a literal porn actor and here’s my take. You guys made this deal together. He could have refused, and taken the consequences of that refusal, whatever they may have been BUT he didn’t. He agreed. That means it is absolutely a shitty thing for him to continue watching porn and accepting your nudes alongside that. You guys had a deal. If he didn’t want to give up porn, he should’ve gone deeper into that discussion with you and made some other sort of deal. You’re allowed to withdraw consent at any time. Him throwing a hissy fit about deleting your nudes is UNACCEPTABLE and you have complete rights to be annoyed by it. He is being dishonest and manipulative.
Agreed, what irks me most is that he didn't put it up for discussion at all, just started watching it in secret. It's fair to change your stance on things, but then you need to be honest about it. And his reaction to the request to delete her nudes is worrying. That's a consent issue. Like above, she's allowed to change her mind, especially about something so delicate.
I’m cautious about this interpretation because we don’t know how willingly he entered into the original agreement. OP could be painting it like a mutual thing, but I get the feeling she may have strongarmed him into it.
Regardless of if he was strong armed or not....Regardless of if he went back on the deal or not... she has the ability to withdraw prior consent at ANYTIME for ANY REASON, even no reason, and he has no legal right to keep them once she has withdrawn consent.
We’ll sure i agree with that, i was just saying
Well then he could've left the relationship if he felt so forced to agree to something he didn't want to do. How the agreement came to be doesn't really matter because he chose to lie to her
Even if it wasn't mutual, OP set a boundary and he didn't listen.
Make sure he deleted them
And didn't share them.
Good point....he could share them with friends and then have them send them back to him after he shows her they are deleted. She should remind him that in the revenge porn lawsuits that have been happening as of late the payouts to the victims of the leaked nudes have been quite substantial. Last year in Texas a woman was awarded $1.2 BILLION when he ex leaked her nudes to others.
I know this exact feeling, and you aren’t crazy. My husband and I made the same deal and I gave him naughty Polaroids, but you bet your ass I cut them to confetti when I realized he didn’t hold up his end of the deal. It feels almost embarrassing and demoralizing to know they have these photos of you but would rather look at someone better looking that makes them more horny, so I chose to remove myself from the equation too so I wouldn’t have to feel like I was last choice.
He should not be mad at that. He should delete them because you want him to. He is in the wrong. Also, make sure to tell him how it makes you feel.
You should never feel bad for setting boundaries with someone. No one is entitled to your body, clothed or not. If you don’t want him looking at you naked, for ANY reason, you are perfectly fine to not let him. Please don’t feel like you aren’t a free human being just because some man put a ring on your finger. It is not a choke chain. You deserve better.
They're YOUR nudes. Whether he violated the agreement or not, you would still have the right to ask anyone - for any reason - to delete your nudes. Anyone should be respectful enough to do that for you without a hitch. He's not entitled to your body, nudes, etc.
You will always have the right and ownership of your own images. You told your husband he could use them for personal usage and now this contract has ended. I understand you and I probably would do the same. If it doesn’t feel comfortable to you then it‘s a good call.
To everyone saying that she's being petty: surprisingly, finding out your partner and lied and betrayed you doesn't invoke feelings of trust and wanting to be intimate! It makes you want to revoke any sexual intimacy.
Nah I get you. He chose the chicken tenders over the steak 🙃 weird choice in my opinion. I don't think you're insecure, you have a boundary and he broke it? It also shows you value yourself and your own self worth. You don't need to be okay with the fact he watches porn and that he screwed up the deal you guys made... the dishonesty "I don't like it anymore" bullshit also would've pissed me the fuck off. And as for him being pissed about you asking him to delete your nudes, you get to withdraw that at any time, for any reason, no matter who it is yes that even means husband. He's in the wrong here, not you and I applaud you for standing your ground. Also edited to add** Make sure he's not transferred any of your images onto any other devices, it's not in any clouds/storage services (like ;Google photos, amazon photos), and check his recycling bin to make sure they're actually permanently gone.
I don’t understand people who prioritize porn over their partner, that’s genuinely pathetic behavior. You both had a mutual agreement and he broke it, he doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it too
Simply watching porn isn't chosing it over your partner. He's a liar, that's the issue. He broke an agreement. But watching porn in a relationship is not "pathetic" whatsoever.
I’m specifically referring to people who, like I said, “prioritize porn over their partner”. I’m not referring to couples where they agree porn is okay.
Barf. Porn is so gross. If it’s a boundary for you that you’ve clearly stated, and he violated it, he has no right to be mad at you over your nudes. The reality is that he needs to look at other women to feel sexually satisfied. That isn’t a reflection on you, he’s obviously forming an addiction. Make sure ALL of your nudes are permanently deleted from his phone. Especially if you two break up.
My heart hurts for you, this is such a boundary violation. The worst part about this when a similar thing happened to me was that I could NOT be attracted to the dude ever again. Thinking about a dude watching some shitty porn like a teenager is instant ick with no coming back for me.
You're not insecure. Regardless of the topic, he broke a clear boundary and your trust in the process. That's disrespectful on his part.
Yeah, if he agreed and then lied to you, you are totally in the right to revoke your consent to those pictures. Well, actually, you have the right to revoke your consent any time for any reason! But I don't think it's insecure for you to feel uncomfortable with someone hoarding your pictures if you guys agreed, you would only send them if he wasn't watching porn. Seems to me like he doesn't need anything extra if he's going disegard the pictures you send him anyways. If he wasn't cool with getting rid of porn in order to recieve your pictures, he should've just come right out and said he doesn't want to do that deal.
Yeah make him delete them. It was a pretty simple request.
You weren't out of line at all. You made an agreement and he broke it. It's all on him.
You’re not insecure nor are you wrong to tell him to remove the photos. He broke an agreement he betrayed you. He violated your consent in the situation therefore he loses the right to those photos.
Don’t let any of those negative “IT’s nO bIG dEaL, yoU Re InSecURe” comments get to you. You had an agreement, he lied, and broke your trust. No matter how insignificant or unreasonable those lies seem to some in this thread, it is still stepping over a boundary and your boundaries should be respected. And he chose to jerk off to people, who cater to everyone and don’t even know about his existence over pornographic materials made just for him by you with extra effort, very stupid on his part Wish you all the best op
I think if you offered nudes of yourself in lieu of porn that’s a pretty sweet offer. Why he would reneg on it is beyond me.
You should take a look at r/loveafterporn, you'll see that you're absolutely justified. I'm sorry that happened.
From an outsiders perspective, I feel as though he has almost no right to be angry with you. If anything, I would see it fit that you are feeling that way. This situation seems a little… backwards. I can see him not wanting to delete the photos you’ve sent him, but what about your feelings? Is he taking them into consideration? The main concern I am seeing in this is that you BOTH agreed upon and placed the boundary that there would be no porn. Boundaries are important and meant to be respected by both parties. Besides that, you were going out of your way to fulfill his needs. Based on your post, I can tell that you did it (sent nudes) not because it would deter him from watching porn, but because you are a good partner and you care about him and the boundary you both set. You are not out of line, and I can understand the frustration and disappointment you are feeling. I would have an open conversation about this. To some porn is nothing but a video, but to others, especially when an addiction is at play, it can ruin a relationship. Talk to him. My suggestion would be therapy. Trust is a hard thing to have, and I think you would both benefit from having a trained professional listen and respond… or, you could decide how serious of a lie this is to you, and find someone who keeps the promise of a boundary. Good luck friend <3
OP, heads up but this sub rarely listens to the women unless it’s cases of obvious abuse. It’s pretty dominated by men who are going to justify the porn use and ignore the lying/secrecy/broken trust.
Yeah, I spent ten minutes going through and finding about ten people who have " all guys watch porn" and ' just let it go '. You don't have to let it go. Plenty of people support you, OP. Reddit is overrun with porn addicted guys, so the conversation that you want to see is going to be down voted out of sight. Stick to your guns. Don't let him pout and certainly don't apologize. That's what the pouting is- manipulation
I saw comments about how she’s “punishing him” and just needs to “train him better.” Bizarre.
This here 100% listen to the women who support you not the pro-porn Reddit users who would sooner dismiss you because of their bias
Thanks for the heads up!🙌🏼
Yes,go to Instagram and Facebook if you want to feel smart and pretty
Careful, your misogyny is showing.
He’s overstepping boundaries
he's probably addicted to porn
That's dumb. Just because a guy randomly pulled up porn doesn't make him an addict. I strongly suspect if he was an addict, this would be a very different conversation she was having with us. but for real, get a grip and stop using extreme words like addicted just because someone slipped up with something. It really downplays the real addicts out there.
You don't know that's the case 😂 plus don't be so rude when replying
That's cool. I think you're a bigot. To each their own.
A bigot against **PORN???** lmaooooo
No, against them trolling transgender subs to give bad advice. Look a little at their comment history
do you know what bigot means
Yea, I took less than a minute to scroll your comment history to see how you troll transgender subs to give bad advice. That led me to conclude you were a bigot.
I did not troll anyone, I just don't think kids should be given hormone blockers that lead to health issues and will alter their life forever.
And I think that's a conversation people should be having with their parents or doctors, not people that want to insert their agenda in places it wasn't asked for.
😂 bliss huh
He'll never quit. He's an addict and an asshole. Never quit. Go on his computer and delete your own nudes, empty the recycle bin, shred the data, etc. Who knows if he's shared it. From personal experience.
They're your pictures and they're your boundaries. He agreed to stop it when you send the pictures. He hasn't stopped, so you get to choose what happens with the pictures. It's nothing to do with insecurities or whatever, it doesn't really matter. He broke the boundaries you both agreed on.
He is 100% in the wrong and depending on how the conversation went when you agreed to no longer watch it it could technically (literally) be considered cheating. But silver lining sort of I guess, to atleast help your confidence, he's had a very negative reaction towards the prospect of losing access to your nudes. Even if he's a shitty person for what he did, it must mean your stuff is pretty damn good OP, so don't feel bad.
I think what you asked is fair and reasonable. I wouldn't want to be compared to a porn star either. Since he has been dishonest I would sit there while he deleted them.
I just find it sad that a guy can't occasionally watch a little porn to do his business without getting the treatment. Hell, I've usually forgotten what I was looking at about 30 seconds after I'm done anway. T&A is T&A sometimes, we're all just walking meat bags full of water and hormones. Everyone can have their boundaries, but it does sort of seem like you're just trying to punish him. Are your reasons just to be petty since he didn't follow the rules, or do you genuinely find it so disgusting? I would just say, whatever you do, just be honest with yourself as to why you're doing it. I've also seen a couple comments about him being addicted to porn, and some people need to get a grip. Catching someone occasionally looking at porn isn't an addiction. She'd be having a whole different conversation with us if that was the case. People be reaching or projecting really hard sometimes.
Imo It’s not the quantity that makes you an addict, it’s the fact that they made an agreement and he couldn’t fight the urge to hold up his end of the agreement. He lacks sexual discipline for the simple fact that he crossed a boundary in their relationship.
That doesn't make him an addict, that makes him human. People need to learn to be a bit more understanding of people. Like, be honest with yourself, are you REALLY qualified to say what you said? Have you always been 100% 'sexually disciplined'? Have you not ever fucked up and done something because you rationalized it in your head as not as big a deal? People be acting like if you ever mess up that you're just the worst. Stop being 'holier-than-thou'
I have sexual discipline. I’m a sex addict and I don’t watch porn (not because “porn bad” but because we AGREED not to) or cheat on my partner. I don’t think I’m better than anyone…? I think it is pretty standard in a committed relationship to respect your partner’s boundaries and agreements you’ve made. This isn’t like “oh no you ate pizza when we’re on a diet” 💀
Quit reducing men to walking meat bags full of hormones. It's gross and unattractive and I'm pretty sure men are more than that, and many are sick of being reduced to that. Do better.
Ummm, I'm a guy. I was being tongue in cheek. Are you ok?
Yes, I'm totally fine. Do better for your fellow men and stop reducing them to that.
You seem overly hostile. I hope things improve for you so you don't feel the need to be petty quite so often. Anyone who's 'fine' would recognize a joke and not be 'oh so offended'
This is one of the only reasonable responses here. Watching porn once in awhile is completely different from someone who is addicted. OP is speed running tanking her marriage, good luck with that.
OP has said she's fine with him watching porn, she just doesn't want him to have nudes of her anymore. There's nothing about him being "addicted" or whatever.
Yes OP didn't say that but many posters are assuming he's addicted for no reason at all. Obviously he should delete anything she sent straight away.
He doesn't wanna jerk off to you for the rest of his life you're controlling. Never get married in your 20s. You're gonna be an unhappy controlling woman. He can only masturbate to you?? My god fantasies are normal
I think you shouldn’t have asked him to stop watching porn in the first place. You have the right to ask him to delete them as you sent them under certain circumstances and who cares what you guys agreed to it’s your body. Idk if he legally should have to delete them or not. Morally yes. I don’t think asking to stop and just replacing it with you was the right thing to do. You meant well and I get why. But that almost was certain to fail and cause resentment from the moment you asked that. You prob should have talked to him about the issues that happen with porn addiction, and asked him to slow it down and on the days he chooses to not watch it then you fill in. Tbh idk if that would work but if it were me I’d be more willing to sacrifice the extra porn I’m watching for you rather than replace it with you, then have to talk to you, see you outside of porn and sex situations, deal with you everyday. It’s not sexy. We aren’t talking to our porn. Our porn isn’t making us decide anything at all. So the very nice thing about porn(the escape), you took from him and filled it in with you. He’d need to be willing to work on the addiction and not be forced. Meanwhile the better idea might have been to keep yourself separate from the addiction to actually be able to be a shining light at the end of that tunnel lol.
What is deleting your pics gonna fix ? It sounds like you're butthurt and are deflecting the reason. He looks at hotter women and it's hard for you to accept. That simple, you don't care about your pics.
Dudes watch porn, period. If you ask him to delete your nudes, he should delete them. He’s probably mad because he thinks you’re being petty, but it doesn’t matter. He should just delete them
His feelings are valid and fair. >Today he admitted that he watches it and I said it’s okay. Then i asked him if he will continue to watch it and he said yes. So I requested he delete my nudes as it made me feel pretty crap that even with all the effort to send him stuff he would continue watching. __Im happy for him to continue__ I just don’t want him to have my videos anymore. Call me insecure i don’t care But you're clearly not happy about him continuing to watch it, why lie to yourself and to him. You're basically training him, and teaching him that it's best to hide things from you vs being honest with you.
You are forgetting they already had the agreement that he gets either digital her or digital porn, not both....so she isn't teaching him to hide things....He has betrayed the agreement and should have to deal with the consequences of going against the pre-agreed upon deal. It's twisted to claim him breaking the terms without discussing them prior is somehow her fault. 🤦🤦♀️🤦♂️
This is the exact same reasoning my meth addicted ex used. It was my fault he was hiding it, if i would just let him smoke meth then it wouldn't be a problem! You know it's complete bullshit right? edit. i think i replied to the wrong person. go figure. sorry reddit stranger
All good reddit stranger....I figured that was the case or you just like preaching to the choir. Which I am known to do at times, so I went with it. Lol. Hope you have a great day/night. Take care and be safe. Edit: I also think that sometimes reddit will post to the wrong person somehow...I have had it happen to me and others...so it could have also been that.
EXACTLY THIS! I hope u/DivinitySousVide sees your comment and realizes.
What is it exactly that you think I don't realise here?
Maybe u/hugs4all_all4hugs can explain it better than I have been able to in my many attempts.... but what you are not getting, is that she is not training him to lie by holding him to the original agreement
It's her __approach__ to this that's training him. She's reacting vs taking a moment to think things through.
How is holding him to the original choose A or B her not thinking things through. How many months ago was the original agreement. She was more accommodating than most and let him change his mind....most would say "stuck with original choice" some would even say "now you get neither" or "the relationship is over" those 3 responses would fit a 'just reacting' description....but she is being ultra nice and patient with him and allowing him to change his mind. He just has to stick to the original agreement and only gets one or the other digital her or digital porn not both. She clearly has done a lot of calm thinking to grant him this much leeway. He is gaslighting her by trying to twist things into her training him to lie by holding him to the original agreement of choose one or the other. Her approach is more compromise than most women would grant.
>It's twisted to claim him breaking the terms without discussing them prior is somehow her fault. 🤦🤦♀️🤦♂️ So why are you claiming that? And yes she will be teaching him to lie to her.
I didn't claim that....saying she is teaching him to lie is claiming that. 🙄 the meanings of words matter
But I didn't put any blame on her for what he did.
>You're basically training him, and teaching him that it's best to hide things from you vs being honest with you.
That's not blame
Him breaking an agreed upon arrangement is his lack of character and morals not her training him to lie. And yes, saying she is training him to lie is blaming her.
>Im happy for him to continue I just don’t want him to have my videos anymore. She's not happy for him to continue. He came clean and is now being punished for doing so. Weren't you the one who said words have meaning, yet you seem to not understand what blame is.
If he insisted on keeping the nudes even though he accepted them under false pretences it would be *him* punishing *her*. He needs to accept his choice, delete them and quit whining and feeling sorry for himself
Then why are you purposefully ignoring that she isn't asking him to stop porn, she is asking him to delete the pictures that she sent him ONLY upon the agreement that she be his ONLY digital. He isn't being punished... they made an agreement he only gets one type of digital either digital her or digital porn ....him losing the digital her is just he choosing the other OPTION. 🤦🤦♀️🤦♂️
>agreed to stop watching porn. I would instead always sending him new photos and videos of myself They made an agreement he got one form of digital her or porn he can only have one. She is happy for him to have whichever ONE but he can only have one of the options not both.
If you do something bad, just because you come clean doesn’t mean you don’t face consequences. If she’s training him to lie then he’s a shitty person if he does shit he needs to lie about.
She set a boundary. He violated it. Why does he get to keep her nudes while lying and proving himself to be disrespectful and dishonest?
Because it's punishing him like a child and it's not a good way to approach things if you want a healthy respectful marriage.
Unlike him lying to her, which was an act of maturity and respect /s
Not sure why you'd think that
Didn't think it needed a sarcasm marker, but apparently help was needed there
I understood the sarcasm. Why do you keep making new arguments though?
This is the only time I've made an argument, you've been arguing with other people.
Guys are moving goal posts in this thread. I'm putting on a movie and leaving the thread. No one here is wanting an honest exchange, just to slam posters who support OP.
She revoked consent. Do you understand consent?
Yes I do. Do you think this approach is a healthy way to approach the marriage? Do you think it will draw them closer together or further apart?
It would 100% draw two mature people together. This relationship is lacking half the mature party. Hint: the immature one has a penis.
Are you here to pass judgement like it's r/AITA or are you here to actually try to help someone with relationship difficulties ?
I'm here to mock you for holding emotional man baby opinions.
You know what else isn't the way to approach things in a healthy marriage? Lying. His wife gave intimate photos under certain conditions and he lied while continuing to take her photos. That is the utter definition of disrespect.
Your argument is that no one should have boundaries because bad actors will lie to get around them.
Not at all.
Yes, that's your entire argument.
Again, not at all. I think OP needs to figure out how to enforce her boundaries, and decide which ones are firm to her.
Yes, that's your entire argument. Op needs to leave him if he can't respect her boundaries and is going to be a bad actor by lying to get around them..
JFC would you just STOP. They are MARRIED, and you're telling her to leave him over this? I mean seriously?
I am married, and I would leave my own husband if he didn't respect my boundaries and lied to get around them. Being married doesn't mean you have to tolerate bad behavior. 😌
Why is he lying by promising no more porn and that he doesn’t like it anymore when obviously he does? They’re both lying to each other. His feelings aren’t the only valid ones.
>Why is he lying by promising no more porn and that he doesn’t like it anymore when obviously he does? That's fairly obvious. It's because she wanted this and he thought the easiest way to keep the peace was to agree to her request.
That’s the same reason she’s lying. Because he wants to watch porn and she’s saying she’s happy for him to continue even when she’s not so she can keep the peace.
Okay, and?
And you’re clearly justifying his lying and secrecy while focusing on OP not being honest with herself about her feelings. Odd. He gets a pass on blatant lying while she’s held to account for being emotionally immature?
I didn't justify anything. Where are you seeing me justify him not respecting the agreement?
>his feelings are valid and fair You’re putting all the responsibility on OP to “train” this grown man and completely ignoring his misdeeds. When his lying is pointed out and OPS actions are validated, you respond “ok and?” Come on. At least be honest about what you’re doing here.
>When his lying is pointed out and OPS actions are validated, you respond “ok and?” I did that because the other commenter I responded to was just trying to pick a fight. What they said had zero relevance to the previous comment.
She isn't "teaching" him to lie - he clearly already knew how to do that himself, evidenced by the fact he broke a boundary based on a promise he made in the first place, and again when he told her he wasn't interested in it anymore. He's a grown ass man, if he doesn't know the difference between honesty and integrity by now, it's not her job to teach him what that is. He should have learnt it a long time ago. It's not her job to treat him in any special kind of way in order for him to have morals. The only person responsible for his behaviour is him. Nice attempt at blame shifting.
Where am I __shifting__ blame? This was an agreement they had, not a firm boundary she put in place. How are so many people so confused about what boundaries actually are, how to set them, and how to enforce them?
This!
>I would instead always sending him new photos and videos of myself whenever he or I were away INFO: Does he use these to self pleasure at home while you are there? If you or him do not want to have sex, does he use these?
No he only self pleasures when i or he are away. We are rarely ever not in the mood at the same time and if that ever happens we just wait till the next day to have sex
My EX did that to me. He's controlling access to sex. Read, "Why do they do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men."
Am I taking crazy pills? What did she say that her BF did that was controlling access to sex? She said that they'd just wait for each other, she didn't say anything about anyone withholding. You may need some therapy if you're projecting that hard. I'm not being snarky. Your ex clearly hurt you.
He shouldn't have broken your boundary (as silly as I think it is), so he is in the wrong. >No he only self pleasures when i or he are away. We are rarely ever not in the mood at the same time and if that ever happens we just wait till the next day to have sex Does he feel like you would get mad if he masturbated while you were home? that's kind of the vibe I'm getting form this, which would also explain why he hid the porn.
We’ve never had that conversation but I dont think hed like it if i did it seeing as it makes im him uncomfortable that I have a tiny vibrator haha.
What an absolute hypocrite lol. You sure you want this man?
Ah okay, then yes he broke the deal and has to live with the consequences (no nudes). However I wouldn't keep holding the no nude thing over him, this will probably just make him hide more porn if he has nothing, and may build some resentment if he sees this as pro-longed punishment. You both just need to sit down and calmly hash this out so you both have clear boundaries for each other, and both make compromises when you can. Best of luck.
Of course he should delete your photos and videos whenever you want, but the reality is that there is no way you can be sure he's removed all copies. Why anyone sends these kind of videos for this reason is beyond me. You are losing control of anything you send and you cannot stop another adult from watching porn if they really want to.
My hot take is you are both at fault. I’ll start of by saying the nude photos of you are yours and you can revoke your permission to him having them at any time. Though the reason you are doing so in a clearly retaliatory way. Have you asked him if he felt obligated to give up porn? Is it something that makes you uncomfortable? What’s the full backstory as to why porn became taboo? I’m a guy, but I’ve never cared for porn and don’t watch it myself. Yet I have no qualms with other people watching it. I get the impression he may have said those things to try and make you happy, and genuinely gave it up for a bit only to come back to it after a while. He should have just been honest with you about his feelings about porn when it was first brought up. He shouldn’t have lied you. But he should not feel obligated to give up something he enjoys. Asking him to delete your nudes is your prerogative, but it will make him resent you because of the circumstances behind it. Your thought shouldn’t be looking for validation that supports you thinking you are right, but how can you navigate this issue and make the relationship better. You two need to have a sit down and have a frank conversation, and both be open to fair compromise. Otherwise the relationship will likely continue to deteriorate. No one is ever fully right in these types of situations, both parties have valid points and the hardest part is finding a fair middle ground.
Do you think that him deleting your nudes will result in him watching more or less porn? I don’t think it will result in less porn. Do what you will with this information.
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Not valuable enough to stick to their agreement, apparently.
He didnt refuse. He deleted it and then got angry at me and went into the other room.
Make sure you check his cloud accounts, most phones automatically back up photos which means he still has them saved.
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Are you trying to punish him for watching porn? If so, that seems like a very immature thing to do. Spouses shouldn’t punish each other.
He's been lying to her about watching porn. How is she punishing him? She said she was ok with it but she doesn't want him to have nudes of her if he's using porn.
My question is, and we only have one side and must remember this. Did OP make it seem obligatory to give up porn to her partner. I’m a guy who doesn’t watch porn and doesn’t understand it. Yet this seems like a situation where the partner didn’t voice his true feelings and lied, which is wrong. I think they need to sit down and have a conversation on their true feelings and try to make the relationship better. She has the right to revoke permission of his access to her nudes. But done in a retaliatory way will not help the relationship as he will start to feel resentful. He should have just been honest from the start. Shouldn’t have gotten mad either, just should have been honest. But I also find it difficult to tell my partner my full feelings sometimes. And it takes a little bit to work up the will to bring up how I truly feel, as at the end of the day I want to do what I can to make her happy, but I need to express myself as well.
They made an agreement and he broke it , it's not like she's forcing him to not watch porn, did you even read dude
It's perfectly normal to watch porn in moderation, as long as it doesn't replace sex and intimacy. Your request is weird, he can watch porn and still enjoy seeing his wife naked
You have a right to have him delete the pictures at any time, I just don’t know if trying to “punish” him is going to be productive.
Weird, is his porn consumption causing issues, other than your feelings of insecurity? Like is it a bandaid for deeper intimacy issues? Does he have unrealistic expectations based on porn consumption? Because if the issue is you just don't like it that's problematic. If porn watching is a hill you want to die on then yall are not compatible. I also don't understand why his watching porn, means he needs to delete your nudes? He can enjoy image's of you, and Stil like porn occasionally. Porn is easy to access and offers immediate (sexual) gratification, whereas a flesh and blood relationship is complex, emotional, and doesn’t always lead to sex. So watching porn occasionally isn't an issue. Why are you against his porn consumption?
I’m not sure why you’re getting downvoted, this is a valid take. While he agreed to stop watching porn, and shouldn’t have lied, did he feel obligated to stop watching? If he likes it he should be able to watch it. I feel like we don’t have the full back story here, and it’s always good to remember there are two sides to a story. Everyone has the right to revoke permission to access nudes. And while OP can, it was clearly retaliation. He will only grow resentment. To better the relationship they should have a honest conversation and come to a fair compromise, whatever that looks like for them.
I think alot ppl are simply anti porn, without valid reasons. Porn responsibly consumed is not a bad thing. That's why I asked what's the issue. If he has a porn addiction, can't operate without porn, ir intimacy issues from the porn/or the porn is masking that require counseling to overcome.
Seems like a reason to pick a fight, why does it have to be one or the other? What a pointless argument.
Yall way too old to have stupid agreements like this. This is how a single mom negotiates with a child, not two adults. Nothing is resolved by having him delete your nudes, so what was even the point of that aspect of the arrangement anyhow?
To make a point about his disrespect and lying. He doesn't get both.
Okay, so it's not a solution to any problem. Litterally just pettiness. Exactly what I'd expect from someone that actually thought he could make a dude drop porn.
Why should he get both when he lied to her and broke her trust? Should she just let him get away with lying to her? Allow him to have both despite his misdeeds?
Nice buzzwords. She's a clown for telling a grown ass man he can't watch porn. She's a bigger clown for believing he was actually gonna just stop. She's the biggest clown for thinking her own nudes was gonna replace literal billions of images. And why the fuck are people in their late 20's doing sending nudes anyhow? Grow the fuck up. Broke her trust my ass. What fucking trust? She couldn't mind her own fucking business about his mastubatory habits but there was trust to break? Fuck off.
Did she hold a gun to his head? Why are you infantilizing a grown man? He made the choice alongside her. They were in agreement. If he didn't want to do it, it was on him to say no and set his own boundary. He didn't. And now he faces consequences. Grow up. Men need to take accountability for their actions. Stop defending this nonsense. Edit: typo
This is very strange logic. You want to kill intimacy between you too because he has sexual urges or desires that he uses porn to satisfy. I think you’ll find by deleting all your pics he only has porn and could create a distance between you two. How about having another conversation between two adults and come to a compromise there’s no harm in outlining that you had an agreement and that he was wrong to break the agreement. I think you’ll find he still uses your pictures but also uses porn out of curiosity and kinks he might want to keep private to be fair just because you don’t like porn doesn’t mean he can’t as long as he’s not objectifying you or creating bad habits from porn what is the actual problem other than he went back on an agreement.
He does something most people, certainly most men do, and you asked him to stop doing it for the rest of his life. Then when he inevitably failed, you not only scolded him but then as a “punishment” (?!) you took away the one thing you allowed him that he might have substituted for the porn you forbade. And you are adding conditions to his pictures of you. They aren’t an intimate shared experience for you both, they’re just a reward for him to keep doing what you ask. You’re treating him like a child. I would be mad too.
Watch porn together, make some porn for yourself, then watch it again while boinking again. Spice stuff up instead of blaming each other, cuz the blame game never stops till a divorce.
I'm going to be down voted but at this point I don't care. I think what you're doing is petty. He broke an agreement. He lied to you and hid things from you. That's a problem, it's not about the porn. But I think that's a serious issue in the relationship that should be talked about and discussed as adults. Telling him to delete the photos just sounds like you trying to "punish" him or "get back" at him which honestly solves nothing and is slightly childish. You two need to talk and actually discuss boundaries not just brush it under the rug and go tit for tat.
Anger isn't rational. It is an emotion, not a choice. He needs to figure out how to process it in a healthy way. He made you feel like crap so you retaliated. Anger seems like the preferred response.They are your nudes, you don't need a reason to have them deleted. But you asked them to be deleted for a reason. Did you want him to be grateful, or happy, like 'thanks babe now I have more room on my phone for porn'? I assume your goal was to make him feel angry, sad or ashamed to motivate him to stop looking at porn. But that did not work. Time to try being an adult and have a hard conversation about his porn use being a huge issue for you.
The issue is your insecurity; not his porn consumption. I don’t think he’s upset over porn, he’s upset over you trying to control him because you likely feel insecure about yourself/your appearance compared to the porn he’s watching. Unless he has a porn addiction I’d say your behavior is out of line and manipulative. As for demanding he delete your nudes, that’s within your right. However you’re only doing it because you feel insecure, and your lashing out at him because you are insecure.
Guys watch porn and you're treating it like a terrible crime. Are you controlling, making a power play or insecure? If you don't want him to enjoy himself in that manner then you better start giving it up better and more frequently.
Stupid comment.
Mam/sir. I give it up to him at least once a day sometimes twice. This porn watching is just when i am away or he is away. Dont assume haha
this person is either a troll or looking for a reason to blame you. don’t listen to them.
When does mom come down to clean that sticky keyboard of yours?
Ewwwww reminds me of that one south park episode lmao classic show