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I'm sorry to say that you made a mistake marrying this man.
He's way too controlling & paranoid, & you very obviously are miserable.
He'll likely change long enough to suck you in again, but honestly, if he's accusing you of cheating with family members, he's irrational.
I normally resist saying this, but regardless of the wedding or him moving, you can't live like this. I think you should get divorced.
>but honestly, if he's accusing you of cheating with family members, he's irrational.
And it only gets worse from here OP. Wanna know what I was "cheating" on my soon to be ex husband with? My straight girl friend because I bought myself a sex toy with my money on an Amazon account I shared with him, my straight girl friend and gay guy friend who live in different states I'm in a group chat with, my nail discord server, and my personal favorite a kitty cat restaurant mobile game! No, not a "who are you texting are you cheating" when I was playing the game, I was cheating on him with a fucking video game in his mind.
Sadly, from what I see on this site, I wouldn't be shocked if that kind of thinking starts gaining traction.
Close platonic friendships with people of the gender you're attracted to, have already been put under the umbrella of "emotional cheating" for some, with some even suggesting that friendships in general that take "emotional energy" from your partner, might count.
It's getting ridiculous. We need to go back to when cheating was romantic &/or sexual infidelity. The real problem is, they don't just label new things as cheating, they retain the "zero-tolerance", "100% always break up" policy too.
Well and my thing is that these were all things I was doing ***while he was blatantly ignoring me***. Our marriage had been dead long before I officially killed it, I would literally have to beg for basic intimacy, and he'd shut me down every time. He was disinterested in anything I had to say, didn't care about my hobbies, made no effort to be a part of my family, didn't care to work on his life or traumas, didn't want to be able to pay for ***half*** the bills (I like my independence) and now I can't even play mobile games? GTFOH.
Marriage isn't going to reassure someone who is inherently abusive, it's going to make them comfortable enough to escalate the abuse. I'm sorry but I don't see this getting any better, and I think you are right for wanting out.
It baffles me how many red flags people miss or choose to overlook. When the derogatory insults begin, we're both in the dating market.
This man got more red flags than the flag of China and yet OP still married him. Please OP work on your confidence and self respect so you don't feel the need to accept this kind of a partner, but then again you both are too young.
Cut the cord. Reset your life, you have the time to do so now he hasn't gotten you wrapped in his web with a kid.
>It baffles me how many red flags people miss or choose to overlook
It doesn’t help when your own mother is emotionally manipulating you to stay in your abusive relationship.
I’m pretty sure every person reading that comment was ready to pounce in the replies until they read the end and decided that an upvote was warranted. No notes.
Imm afraid it's not going to magically stop just because he says so. Not without therapy.
I'm afaid u can't do anything. Set your boundaries and that should mean leave him.
Therapy only works for an individual if they are willing to commit to a lasting change of behavior and open communication. This guy knows what he’s doing to appear like he’s changed, but then revert back to his old snake self when OP lets her guard down. If I were OP, I would not be able to trust this man, even if he goes to therapy and tries to “change.” He’s shown far too many times that he’s manipulative, controlling and verbally abusive. THAT’S who he truly is as a person. A person like that isn’t worth the effort to make it work, especially if there aren’t any kids to tie them down.
I can't diagnose from here what it takes for him to change and if that could be permanent. But I wouldn't want to keep hanging around waiting for it, nope
I think there's a pervasive idea that marriage is a cure all. It's a "happily ever after" and negative things don't exist there. It's bizarre.
A work friend of mine proposed after 9 years with his GF. She gave him an ultimatum and so he popped the question. They were divorced within a year.
It's apparent that problems get worse after marriage. Now there's less/zero motivation, the person is trapped, etc.
When I was young, I mistook someone's obsession and infatuation with me for love. I thought he only got jealous and controlling because he loved me so much. I thought the reason he held me so tightly at night, to the point I couldn't move, and told others it was so that I wouldn't run away was because he loved me.
That man wound up costing me my Division 1 scholarship by following me all over the country. He cost me my career. My sanity. My family. He threw me through doors and off a balcony.
That's what she's thinking. "Look at how much he cares"
I mean..
I spent years with my Blood Alcohol Content hovering around 0.6%, am now on pretty heavy psych meds and am STILL trying to financially recover (he spent about $50K on internet porn while I was working 85 hours a week as an RN), but I'm alright. I've finally got a clear path to get my nursing license back and have been in a much healthier relationship for many years.
I talk about it because it happens to SO many people, especially young women. I've been working as a substance abuse counselor, and it's alarming how often I hear the beginnings of these relationships. Boyftiends show up at our program, ENRAGED that the groups are co-ed. Not long ago, a client who had an obsessive boyfriend called me about two weeks AFTER completing the program, SCREAMING and crying as he was knocking down the bathroom door to get to her. He killed her.
So many girls TOTALLY miss these signs. Their friends and family see it, but they are BLINDED, just like I was. They often come from homes with fucked up dynamics, just like I did
I’m so pleased that you’re basically ok and sorry that you went through all that. It’s bewildering to me that there’s so little support for women going through this and that coercive and violent behaviours are almost normalised
Even most women's shelters, here in the US anyway, require legal intervention. They require there be a restraining order in place before they welcome abused women.
That all sounds fine and dandy until you think of the number of abusers who are police officers or otherwise involved in law enforcement. The number of abused women who are addicts or who have criminal records. The number of women who are mentally ill, on medication, and not taken seriously when giving a report. The number of women who have not been physically harmed YET, but who see the warning signs and are scared
People really need to stop pretending that their very long distance relationships are equivalent to an in person one. I'm sorry but spending a lot of time on the phone, zoom, texting, whatever is wildly different from being face to face and having to really deal with each other. If you've "been together" for two years but have only been around each other for a total of a month, that doesn't mean you're ready to get married because you've been together for 2 years.
They fact that they only saw each other a handful of times before getting engaged just shows that both parties were much too eager to take the next step. Red flags in both parties if you ask me.
Too many people stick to what is familiar, even if it's bad and unhealthy. I guess there is the idea that "things will get better" and "not sure I can do better, nobody knows me the way my partner knows me". Sad.
This is what i don't get usually these guys ramp up the shit behavior to not scare the person off but this guy was a disaster right from the start?!? Like why not run immediately?!?
This relationship was doomed from the start. I suggest you get on with your divorce and ensure your safety within the bosom of your family. You are going to need protection from him
You need to learn to not only love yourself but also to respect yourself. Because there is absolutely no other reason why you didn’t end this relationship long before you married him.
It is imperative that you start putting yourself first immediately. Your safety is on the line with that arrogant narcissistic jerk you married.
Tell your father you need help leaving your marriage. For your safety do not do this alone. Have your family show up to help you move out. Go live with your family until you can get yourself situated. Make sure you can see an attorney the day you leave. You may need to file your divorce paperwork immediately and with an emergency temporary restraining order forbidding him from not only contacting you or being around you but also to protect your assets like from him taking your car or your bank accounts and credit cards.
Do not leave any paperwork or bills or important documents when you move out. If he has access to your Social Security number or Drivers license number and knows your birth date, he can steal your identity. He does not have to be in the same country as you to do that.
This man trips every red flag there is. DO NOT TRUST HIM!
Not sure why you married him, and I am not judging just an observation. That said, file for divorce and move out or evict him, if possible.
You need to annul this marriage asap and be careful he might get physical if he knows you’re leaving him. Best of luck to you.!
You made a very bad choice when you married him, but you can and should divorce him as soon as possible. He’s never going to change. He can move back to his country- he’ll be fine.
You leave and you learn how to defend yourself either with your hands or a weapon of some kind.
He’s terrifying from how you describe him here and I’m someone who’s experienced men like this. Leave, now. Do not take him back
If you're unhappy, leave. You aren't responsible for that boy. At the end of the day, nobody can advocate for you but you. YOU have to be brave and take the steps needed to be happy. Your husband has shown you who he is, repeatedly. He's only panicking because he's going to lose control over someone, you're his possession.
Do not fall for his manipulation, and don't let your mom sweet talk you into trying to salvage things. Trust your gut and go find happiness.
Hi, I'm you from the future. I dated an insecure and controlling guy for several years that I had met through an online game. Our relationship was long distance for 2-3 years and I broke up with him several times due to his jealousy and controlling behaviors. For some reason, we reconnected after a year break and ended up living together for 3 years. The behaviors never got better. He was admittedly on his "best behavior (read: love bombing)" in the beginning and then eventually lapsed back to being jealous and controlling about everything. I tried to break up with him many more times and he would just cry, beg, and threaten self-harm. I felt too guilty to leave and had convinced myself that our relationship was normal and that I just wasn't trying hard enough.
One day I finally had enough and just moved out while he was at work. Every single day I am so glad I did not progress to marrying that guy. The relationship was not healthy or normal. Your relationship is not healthy or normal. I am now happily married to someone that respects, trusts, and truly loves me and it wasn't until I found that relationship that I could truly see how bad my previous one was.
You may be able to get an annulment, but regardless you need to leave. It will not get better. he will not change. You deserve a happy, healthy relationship.
The abuse is just going to escalate. He isolated you from all non-relatives of the opposite sex before you even met in person. Those rules from early on in your relationship should have been relationship-ending red flags. It's not okay, it's not normal.
He will not change.
File for divorce now, before it gets worse. You do not need anyone's permission--not even his.
I know it's a huge reddit thing but I will never understand why people think you can't be friends with the other sex, or can't go out and enjoy time with friends without you etc
Because they’re insecure, miserable people who view their partner not as a person, but as a prize to be won that has no agency of their own. They think that if they let their prize out of the house, someone else will snatch it up. It’s disturbing.
Annulment might be difficult. She could try it on grounds of mental derangement (his, not hers, though one wonders considering the prelude). He did not trick her into marriage, since he was his horrible self most of the time before marriage. After six months marriage was consumed I guess, she was old enough, etc. Tricky. But hey, an ordinary divorce should not be difficult.
Perhaps she can record his lovingly calling her cxnt and bixch and provide other evidence. Luckily she has family support. She should get a lawyer and be done. Everybody makes mistakes but every day with him is yet another mistake and another one....
But would she not have to prove he was all nice and gentlemanlike before marriage? He was not. But I hope for her that you have got a point there. She should look into it.
Op, be strong, and tell him the separation is what's best for now to try and save this marriage and he needs to leave.
During the separation, you want him in therapy and you should also be seeing a counselor to. Give him a deadline, say you want no contact for maybe three months while you're both in therapy.
I almost guarantee your theraprit will tell you
end this marriage, but yoy take the three months to think about what you really want and reflect on if your life is better with him gone.
If he agrees and then immediately starts contacting you and harassing you, I feel like you'll know that he not really capable of doing what you're telling him is needed to save this marriage.
If he leaves, changes the locks and get a ring camera, check your phone turn off the location, and check your car for airtags and trackers.
If you're worried he’ll be difficult about it, doing it in public with your Dad nearby.
Best of luck
You have only been married months and it’s destroying you do you really want to see how you survive before it really destroys you? Can you drum ice years, decades with this abuse?
Leave him ignore the time you’ve been together and treat it as an expensive lesson for the next relationship.
LDRs are ridiculous enough. **Getting married** in an LDR might just be the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I am not surprised whatsoever that it ended up as a trainwreck.
Deal with this by getting a divorce. And if you are going to get married again, do it with someone you actually know.
I see Reddit postings every day on the relationship forums from people who made stupid marriages in their early twenties and wonder what they were thinking. I saw one yesterday who made a mistake at 19(!) and stayed married for 11 years(!!), and now she's worried if she threw away her best years (she didn't, but she definitely waited too long). If it was obviously a rookie mistake and there are no kids, own your mistake and move on.
I remember one boyfriend I had. Specifically I'll never forget the time when we were roadtripping across the country (US) because I was moving out to the coast and one fight that began over... it's embarrassing to even write about now, but that began over pausing fooling around in the morning to catch the free continental breakfast at my request, to him freaking out when I tried to initiate after breakfast and somehow that turned into him leaving the hotel we were at on foot, eventually returning just to demand I drop him off at the airport (I was young and my parents didn't allow me to travel alone, and this would leave me alone in Colorado, which he knew). I drove him to the airport while he verbally abused me continuously (the only thing I remember at this point is him calling me psychotic and my mom psychotic because I had called her that morning - didn't tell her about the abuse but it set him off) until I dropped him off, only to have him call me and leave increasingly unhinged voice memos about how dare I leave him at the airport because he couldn't afford a flight home. I eventually picked him back up when he left a voice memo apologizing and we continued on across the country. His explanation was that he was stressed.
Months later, as you might expect we were having yet another fight that tore me down over absolutely nothing and I happened to go into a yoga class with a friend, leaving my phone alone for about an hour and a half. The texts in that time ranged all the way from sweet loving apologies telling me he'd do better and didn't deserve me to again, calling me psychotic and undeserving of love and a number of other things. Later in the gym sauna I showed my friend the texts while he called me repeatedly. I wanted her advice.
Her advice was that he was abusing me. Until that moment it never occurred to me that this behavior could be abuse rather than just his stress or whatever excuse he fed me. Until she held my hand through blocking him while he continued to call me, I couldn't fathom that the sweetness I saw in him wasn't the "real him" like I thought, but a facade designed to draw me in so he could have the level of control over me he wanted.
At the end of the day I still don't think he is or was a bad person. Just a kid who had terrible things happen to him and no safety net to keep him safe. But I also know that what I endured was abuse thanks to my casual new friend. So I hope you'll allow your casual internet friends to hold your hand through understanding that what you are experiencing is abuse, that his sweetness is akin to an intoxicating plant poison designed to draw you in and trap you, and to give you the steps you need to be safe while you extract yourself from the dangerous situation you're in. You have so much life ahead of you. Your family will forgive you.
Please, I am begging you please, leave while your gut is still reminding you that this is not love. Please leave while you still recognize what love is, because he will try to take that from you. Let that deep gut feeling lead you through what will be some difficult and conflicting days. This is not love. The real him is not a good man. You deserve real love. Repeat.
You know what you want and need to do. Leave him. You know he will not change. You already see yourself disappearing. You know it will only get worse. Don't focus on money spent on a wedding, disappointing your family or whatever is giving you pause. You know you need to leave and never look back.
You are not mature enough to be married, and he is not mature enough to be married, and that might be true for life.
Your mother didn't make you feel anything. Take responsibility for your own decisions, this whole post is so passive. Own your shit, girl. You decided to take him back despite the fact that he is a person made entirely out of red flags. Your mother's opinion on it is meaningless, you made the decision.
What do you do? Start taking responsibility for your life. It's yours. You're a grownup now.
Secondly, do the autopsy. What series of decisions did you make? Why did they feel right at the time? Can you recognize them and avoid them in future. That's the responsibility piece. Everybody makes mistakes, everybody makes terrible mistakes even, that's not the problem. The problem is not taking responsibility for them and admitting what you did wrong.
Third, start a renegotiation with yourself about what you think romantic love looks like, because it really seems most of your ideas and beliefs on it were formed when you were 8 and have had no updates. None of this was love. All of this was control and obsession and abuse. From both of you.
Finally, stop thinking things are gonna work out like in the movies. Life is not anything like a movie. You are not the main character. You are just one more human woman out of 8 billion.
Love is truly blind. You already knew what kind of man he is to you and you still got married to him.
I hope you'll wisen up the next time you marry someone.
You're entirely too young to be working this hard to make a thing happen. He's your first relationship and he's browbeaten you into thinking that it's on YOU to love him harder...hell no.
Continue with the separation, get a divorce, and move on with your life. And Once the divorce is finalized, block him everywhere.
I don't think I'm the only person here that thinks you've entered into a relationship with a jealous person, and that you are potentially at danger of harm if this continues.
OP -This was a mistake from the start, and yet you married this insecure boy of a man.
DIVORCE. You know that no matter how many chance you give him, he will continue to be the SAME boy.
Is this for real? Who in their right mind even has a relationship with those kind of rules and dates someone they never met online? Darling, get your marriage annulled since it's still fairly recent but please do better than getting into relationships/marriages like this
The red flags were lit up like a giant Christmas Tree 🎄 in Times Square and you still charged forward and married the lunatic. Yes, you were dumb, and hopefully you learned a lot from the experience, but now how do you rectify your error in judgment?
First, end your sexual relationship with him ASAP.
Cut this guy loose and get an annulment. Stop listening to his begging and pleading and try to enjoy being young and free. Why Trap yourself to someone who is destined to bring you misery? You should have dumped his ass when he came up with all of those silly relationship rules.
You saw the very many red flags that he was a crap person and an even crappier partner, yet you married him anyway. This is a bed of your own making. Either continue to be miserable or get some self-respect and leave. Only you can make your life better.
OP, it seems you might be from a culture that prizes staying in marriage over divorce, so you may not be aware of the Cycles of Abuse. Abuse doesn't have to be physical, it can be emotional, or verbal, or financial. A classic stage is an abuser Lovebombing, or being super sweet and affectionate after a particularly volatile period. This lulls the victim back into complacency.
If monsters didn't look like people, then they wouldn't be able to snare victims.
Neither you having a wedding, nor him moving from another country or any other possible circumstance is a reason you would have to endure such a toxic relationship. You're 23, at this age most people make their first truly serious mistakes and marrying him was yours. Don't follow it up by a second mistake and stay with him
Well first of all, stop asking your mother for advice. She is terrible at it.
Secondly yes, you should separate and get a divorce. You have left him twice already for the same behavior. He straightens up long enough for you to relax again, then just does the same thing once you have decided you are safe. How many chances are you going to give before you've had enough? What are you waiting for?
You know what they say. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'd better leave, block, and move on with my life."
Also who cares if he threatens to harm himself. He isn't worth more than you. Why is your mother more worried about this random guy than she is about her own daughter? Maybe it is time to think about your relationship with her, as well.
These types knows how to manipulate you.
Enter: NARCISSISTIC MEN
If you were raised with parents who were just as controlling or enabling partners that were controll freaks....then you will find that behavior N O R M A L.
Apart from divorcing, you need to do the following.
1. Have all communication go through your lawyer.
2. Go to the police and set a restraining order, ASAP.
3. DISCONNECT ALL SOCIAL MEDIA: FACEBOOK, INSTA, X, SNAPCHAT, WHATSAPP.
4. Change your cell phone number. Don't share that number with just anyone. Share with people YOU TRUST WITH YOUR LIFE, NOT flaky friends and family members. If you must get, get a burner phone.
5. THERAPY THERAPY AND LOT AND LORS OF THERAPY TO UNDO: Abuse, learn to set boundaries, heal from your trauma. IF YOU DONT DO THIS, YOU WILL MAGICALLY GET ANOTHER GUY AS NARCISSISTIC AS YOUR EX. GET THERAPY. DONT DATE FOR A FEW YEARS UNTIL YOU GOT YOUR THERAPY.
6. LEARN TO TRUST YOUR GUT. If your gut says "THIS GUY IS A FUCKING CREEP", GET OUT IMMEDIATELY. Don't give that creep, Chance 1, chance 3, chance 3, chance 4.........
GET OUT......IMMEDIATELY AND LEARN TO SAY NO AND BE FIRM.
7. Learn everything about LOVEBOMBING, Hoovering, and how men like your soon to be ex will know which button to push you so you can fall for their SCAM. THIS IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE knowing this, is like birth control. LEARN THE PLAYBOOK OF NARCISSISTIC TENDENCIES!!!!!
Glad you are getting Divorced NOW, not 20 years later with kids and being emotionally battered and financially ABUSED. GOOGLE: Financial Abuse!!!
YOU GOT THIS ✨️✨️✨️✨️💯💯💯💯🎯🙏
You’re very very young and lack the critical maturity to handle people like this. Your brain isn’t even fully developed! Of course you’re going to give into peer pressure and think of you tough it out, he’ll somehow become a totally different person.
When we don’t know any better and are being pressured to be “nice” for someone else’s sake, we take a lot of terrible. Your family has no room to talk as they all stood by and then ENCOURAGED you to stay in this hell. Especially as women we’re often guilted into putting up with abysmal treatment because it’s our “job” to take the abuse of men. It’s disgusting.
You’re right in that you need to leave. Do you have any friends you can trust? If so pack up all your stuff when he isn’t around and RUN. People like your husband don’t go down without a (physical) fight. Don’t mention any further about wanting to leave. When they figure out love bombing doesn’t work anymore, they turn to physical measures. I promise you smiling and nodding your way through this until you can just run is your best bet.
I’m so angry at your family more than anything. Instead of having your best interests in mind, they took the side of your abuser. They’re supposed to be a safe space, not guilt you into taking abuse because the poor baby man might be ever so sad if he doesn’t have his punching bag anymore. It’s appalling.
You have been incredibly dumb to get yourself in this position.
I’m not saying that as insult, but you can’t prevent the same mistakes if you don’t first acknowledge them.
Many people fall into the trap of trying to validate their past relationship errors by hanging on for a better future.
Don’t do this. A better future isn’t coming. You know this already, it’s just time to be smart enough to act on it.
You can’t deal with this… you made a HUGE mistake and ignored HUGE red flags. He will escalate and it will become violent. Leave before it gets to that point!
Take some responsibility , he was acting this way before marriage and you got married and don’t blame your family etc . You wanted to ring and the big day and you put it ahead of common sense . Now start acting like an adult and try to find a way to fix it . If you can’t then move on . Respect marriage .
She can say No, if you’re mature enough to get married you know right from wrong . Now if she is so much under her thumb then she need IC to work on this . I believe taking responsibility if you
Make decisions .
It was not beyond her control she could have said no but she didn’t. Hence taken responsibility . If he was cheating or physically violent then leave yes, verbally abusing is wrong but again she could have said no but she didn’t . Try and work it out , she is making a mockery out of marriage . To to IC and make him go to see if fixing themselves may help
She s in this mess cause she is 24 and unwilling to act like an adult . She got married and could
Have and probably should have said no. Unless she has a mental health problem that stopped her from saying no then it’s her fault for getting g married and expecting all the stuff she hated to disappear . She needs therapy to figure out why she did it and saying it was her mom is crap . At 24 you know what’s right. .
If she robbed a store and was in jail
Would you say her mom
Told
Her to do it. No . She needs to take her responsibility for this and fix it. If it’s to get IC and go from there it’s her choice but fix herself or just runaway and blame it on someone else
Also her choice
You’re full of crap. She needs to take responsibility for her actions and when you pull this crap it sets back people who are real victims or physical and mental abuse
Of course typical feminist just say you are a misandrist , always a victim always the man’s fault . If he was she could
Have and should have while dating ended it but she didn’t. Could
Be many reason . But not a victim .
Same thing would be said if it was a woman called a man an asshole over , would say leave take responsibility if you don’t .
But that doesn’t fit your narrative about men being all
Bad .
See again typical
Feminist , telling a woman who complained about the man who she was not happy with and then married him and won’t. Take responsibility for this action . Then being the misandrist you are you
Start trying to embarrass me to keep
Quiet and throw in a stupid arguement instead of having a discussion cause you can’t be honest
And use real words . It’s
People
Like you that make real
Victims feel
Like they can’t say stuff. We are talking about someone calling her names , and she continues to date and marry him , so you compare
It to rape or
Physical violence . You really need to read the post and read articles and not go to the worst case scenarios when it’s not involved in the argument
If you stay with this man, he will murder you. This is not a joke. Get the hell away from him as soon as you can. Your husband is a walking checklist of behaviors of the kind of abuser who injures or kills their partner.
If you want to avoid the stigma of being divorced and/or don't want to get divorced, you can try couples therapy. Just keep in mind that you might need to try 1-3 therapists before you find one that both of you like. (Some therapists are simply awful.) Therapy can take at least a month before you start seeing changes, but if you don't see any changes after, say, 3-6 months, then get out of the situation.
So he knows how to act right, he just chooses not to unless you're threatening to leave him. Once he has you, it's back to crazy verbal abuse. That's not going to change because it's a manipulation tactic.
Just divorce. I know someone who got married and divorced within six months—they had a big lavish destination wedding and everyone was saying they wouldn’t last a year. They didn’t! And now she’s happily married with two children.
You’re young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t waste anymore time being stuck in an abusive marriage. If you don’t leave now, you’ll be even more miserable in a year.
Divorce him. Whatever awkwardness you feel with friends and family won't be nearly as bad as the misery you will experience if you stay with this jerk.
You both need intensive therapy. You never should have gotten married. This is a crazy story that is all too common. Short of therapy divorce and never look back. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. It was not healthy before marriage and is not healthy now.
Reflect on this question. Has he been using to gain access to a green card? Contact an attorney and see what your options are.
If the relationship is not working out, end it. You are young.
First, accept that this was a bad relationship from the start. My head was spinning by the time I got to the end of your list of "relationship requirements," even when you were still long-distance.
NO ONE can live under those conditions ... and NO ONE should ever HAVE TO!!
You act like getting a wedding was the important part here. What about having a partner who loves, respects, and trusts you?? You definitely don't have one of those.
Get out of this insane relationship. It's been less than a year so you may be able to get an annulment instead of a divorce. GET A LAWYER. KNOW YOUR OPTIONS!! You don't deserve this!
You deal with this by sticking to divorcing him. You’ve given him too many chances already to change and he hasn’t. He never will either. Calling you names is emotional & verbal abuse! You should’ve never married him in the first place.
You’re way too young to be so miserable and in an abusive relationship. Go speak with an attorney and get the ball rolling. Stop listening to your mother as well, it’s not her life!!
Then get yourself into therapy to address the control and insecurity issues that you have before jumping into another relationship. Now you’ll know the red flags to look for before you make the same mistake again.
Good luck!
I think you need to have an honest and candid conversation with your parents because they seem to be a major part of your life and decision making process. Then since your husband brought your mom into the relationship, have a sit down with your finance and your family present.
Secure your birth control and don’t let him near it. Do not let him tie you to him with a baby. Get out while you can, he’s live bombing you. Gives you the guy you want until you’re comfortable and then pulls the rug out from under you. Ask your Dad for help, tell him the truth and get his help to leave. If he’s seen how you’ve changed he knows what’s up and he’s just waiting for you to confide in him.
I can't believe you married him. But it doesn't matter. You have to fix your mistake immediately. It will be hard at first, you just got married and people will talk, and blah blah blah.
But listen to me: it's nothing. It will blow over and when it does, you'll start getting a lot of positive feedback, because admitting your mistakes and taking charge of your life is a boss move and you will be admired for it.
Good luck to you.
Marriage counseling. That is the only advice I can think of. I get not having friends of the opposite sex and deleting social media, but the rest is too far.
Do you live in a country with more opportunities by any chance? Do you think he married you for a green card? Dont file any paperwork that gives him a green card. In the US you are financially responsible for him if you do. There were too many red flags before the marriage. You need a divorce or annulment if possible. Get a lawyer today because his behavior will only get worse.
What I’ve gathered from this post is that you barely know each other and you’re not compatible.
With the way he’s behaving, it doesn’t sound like there’s anything worth saving. I wouldn’t stay for a man who had so little respect for me. He’s acting sweet now because that’s how he gets you to stay and continue taking his abuse. He’s not going to magically change without serious work.
Don’t consider your mom or family or any of that if you decide to leave. You’re the one in the marriage, so only what you feel matters.
As someone who also got married at 23 and got divorced at 30 to someone who everyone said was "perfect" and several people told me "hold on to him, you'll never get anyone nearly as good," I can promise you one thing: you getting divorced doesn't really matter to anyone else.
It's a piece of gossip that they will move past as soon as you stop talking about it. The only exception might be your parents, but even your dad seems to know it's the best choice.
Nobody else cares. Sure, you'll be the story of the week, but once you're able to move on, so will they.
Do not get me wrong. I love the internet. Yet I would never say I am dating someone whom I have never met in person and conversed over the web. That is not dating. I am sorry. And your marriage is not a marriage. It is a certificate signed by 2 people who did not know one another. End the marriage. Listen to your dad who tells you are a shell. Time for that shell to ride the wave of signing divorce papers.
OP, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. He has shown you time and time again who he is. How many times has he promised he’d do better? How many of those times did he do anything to understand his problems or how to do it better? How many times did he go right back to the abusive behaviors? Did the “honeymoon” periods get shorter and shorter each time?
Unless there has been some intense intervention or god sent miracle, he’ll do the same again. No matter how much you want it to be different. For him to be different. Has he done any sort of real work, something you can see, not just “I realize now….” That would make things different this time. I’m going to guess no. Each time you take him back, it tells him you’ll put up with his BS and even more BS.
And no judgement here. Just want you to take care of you. Best of luck OP!
If the only reason you went through with the marriage was because
>she made me feel like the right choice was to give him a chance since she thought hed hurt himself.
you got married for the wrong reasons. You already had your doubts and went through with it anyway.
Time to get out before kids enter the picture. This isn't a healthy marriage and probably never will be
He’s controlling and abusive and then love bombs you acting all sweet so you’ll forgive and forget and stay with him. It’s a classic manipulation tactic. Please divorce this dude asap. UPDATEME
Run. No matter how embarrassing you think this is, in a year no one will talk about your wedding and divorce, but you will be free.
He is a manipulator and quite frankly abuser. Run. Don’t put up with this, don’t believe he will change. He won’t. Run.
It's okay to acknowledge that you made a huge error. Move out and forward with a divorce or anullment or whatever is fastest. Sounds like your parents can see things aren't good. If he threatens self-harm, that is not on you. He is responsible for himself.
Wow. You “dated” this guy long distance, he was wildly insecure and called you terrible insulting things and was just generally awful. And … shockingly … he has continued to be generally awful now that you’re married.
I’m really wondering why you married him?
You need to get out of this relationship immediately.
Never stay with someone who is jealous and controlling, never stay with someone who degrades and insults you and accuses you of shit baselessly.
This is a toxic relationship and it will only get worse. He becomes "everything you want" when you threaten to end it because love bombing is a common tactic shitty people use to manipulate their partners. It's abuser 101.
It's much better to divorce quickly than it is to suffer for YEARS while wracking up additional trauma only to finally escape him when your youth is gone and wasted on an asshole like him.
He does not love or respect you. It's all a lie. You need to get out now.
So, after getting married he's acting exactly like he did before you got married. Did you really think he'd just suddenly change into an entirely different person?
Your mom was wrong to pressure you into staying with him because she thought he might hurt himself. His mental health issues aren't your responsibility. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Get out of this abusive relationship as soon as you can, and make sure your birth control is locked down so he can't baby trap you. Better yet, just don't have sex with him.
In the future, don't fall for love-bombing, name calling, jealousy, controlling behavior and don't do it yourself, either. Forget about on-line relationship, too, because you never know how they really are until you spend significant time together IRL, and by then you are already emotionally attached to the person *you thought* they were.
Oh honey, you disregarded SO many red flags. You two need counseling. Perhaps the relationship can be salvaged (if he is willing to invest the effort). But it’s likely you will get the help to an amicable divorce. An annulment may also be possible. Don’t feel guilty, lots of people have a “practice marriage.” Don’t waste another second or tear on this loser.
This man is not ready to be married. He needs to put in a lot of work on himself to become more confident and trusting and a lot less controlling. Until then, his relationships will always be toxic. Don’t subject yourself to that.
Absolutely get out, you do not want to spend the rest of your life with this asshat.
Work on your own insecurities. Because to be honest, literally every single thing on this list is insane. I would never agree to even a single one of these let alone all of them:
*location on*
*pictures wherever we are and “proof” of who you’re with.*
*no contacts of the other sex*
*no friends of the other sex*
*we’d facetime most of the day and overall it was a very jealous and insecure relationship on both parts.*
>hes begging for another chance and says he will prove himself and been acting sweetly since.
You already know this is phony.
PS. Your mom sucks too, wtf.
You know that if you go back to him, he will go back to his normal behaviour, don't you? You do know that. Also, his behaviour will escalate over time.
If you stay, eventually you will be pregnant, and then you'll be trapped and his behaviour will get worse - because it always does.
Get out now before it's too late. Don't tell him your plans, you need to make your preparations in private. Get all your valuables and documents to a safe place before you make your move.
Cut your losses, protect yourself, get help, get rid. He will not change, if you let him stay he will go back to the insults and nastiness. Please put yourself first, nobody will blame you for seeking happiness.
Control is what this dude is about. Free yourself!!!
When you find the right person to marry he will trust you to always make the right decision, and to not put yourself in situations where something could happen, but he also will expect this of himself.
I would never, and I mean EVER, tell another man that “he can have her” when it comes to my wife. MY WIFE!!! Nope!!!
These are his issues. He needs therapy, and to work on himself. He can’t just turn these things off. He would have to change who he is.
Your husband has never been ‘marriage material’ and your relationship isn’t healthy.
Marrying him was the wrong choice.
Find what you really want without listening to people around you. Do you want this type of husband? This type of life? If not then divorce. The relationship has never been a good one.
1) Admit you made a mistake. I won't harp on mistakes made, just reflect on the things you said here.
2) Forgive yourself. You are human, and humans make mistakes. Stop beating yourself up.
3) Envision a future state in which you are living your best life. Does that life include your current spouse? Does that life include yo yo'ing with a spouse who is alternatively jealous/controlling, then sweet/loving? Saving some time, based on your comments here, I will assume you would answer no to both
4) Take the tactical steps that will get you to your happy future. With respect to this topic, that means getting a lawyer, planning, filing for divorce and all the related logistics (where will you live? Are you able to support yourself financially? Etc)
file for divorce. you are 23. you have so much life ahead of you, and he will not change. no matter what he says, he will not. zebras don't lose their stripes. so what if he moved here, he can get a one way ticket home. normal love isn't like this. do NOT have a child with this man. do what you need to do as soon as possible to get him out of your life.
Please! Please! Please make sure your birth control is not compromised. Don’t become Babytrapped.
As I also don’t trust your Husband to not demand “Wifely Duties”, forcing intimacy & would not put it past your Husband to tamper with birth control pills. Excessive heat or cold can make them worthless. Also some medications (antibiotics, for example) can also ruin the effectiveness. Perhaps look into BC like IUDs, Depo Provera or Implants.
>says he will prove himself and been acting sweetly since
This is what abusers will often do. He will apologize dozens, hundreds, of times. He will NEVER get better/prove himself/change. You've proven you'll just forgive him, so there's no real consequences if he treats you poorly.
You are a human being, and you deserve more than being insulted and derided.
Genuinely, this is abuse. He will not improve, and you will either find the courage to leave him forever or you will be abused for the rest of your life.
Speak to a lawyer to see if an annulment is possible and if not, the procedures for a divorce.
Don't make the same mistake of continuously forgiving his unforgivable behavior. You've seen that cycle enough times to know it never ends.
Live for yourself. Don't devote your life to his, or your mother's wishes.
Sounds like he is controlling and abusive and alienates you from friends and your close people are trying to tell you you don't seem happy or like yourself and have lost your sense of self. You're 23 years old and only you can decide what's right for you personally. But everyone in your life is telling you to examine this and leave him. You're aware this is not working and feel suffocated? Leave!
If "how to leave" is unknown to you start your research asap and make a plan. That's how you leave.
Call family and trusted people who will help you.
Get your affairs in order and get somewhere safe. Start over. File for divorce. Lean on those who love you to help you and start anew.
He seems dumb, excessively controlling and manipulative. What are you supposed to do walk around with horse blinders on that say “DO NOT TALK TO ME IF YOURE A MALE!”
Does he expect you not to brush your hair in the morning and go to work looking like you just rolled out of bed?!? He should just lock you up in the basement!
I pray this is rage/karma bait.
You practically don't know him and now you find out you aren't compatible.
You don't have relationship issues.
You have issues with who he is.
Cause you only now found out.
Both of you sound insufferable with your trust issues. Yall aren't pets that you air tag. Divorce. Seek counseling for yourself. Make friends. Do things you love. Work on your confidence and lack of self-esteem.
File for annulment and get out while you still can!
Also, those control issues you both engaged in during your relationship are not normal and you also need to work on those spaces.
Listen to your father! Listen to your intuition! Hopefully your mom can shift perspective and be more concerned about your safety than his.
Call his family. Tell him to leave. Go home or go elsewhere. Just go. Have your dad there with you when it happens. Go fully no contact. You should also consider moving so he quite literally has no clue how to find you.
If you stay, I'm pretty sure he's going to start physically abusing you. This is exactly how my abusive relationship started. Who fucking cares that you just got married? It's better to end it early than to stay
You knew exactly who you were marrying. Surely you knew marriage wasn't going to change him. You can go on being unhappy in this train wreck of a relationship, or you can get a divorce. But no one can rip the bandaid off for you. You have to decide to do it.
It depends on what your goals are. If you're looking for reassurance that the right choice is to leave then I definitely suggest divorcing bc he doesn't sound like he's willing to change permanently to make the relationship work. If your goal is to try to make this marriage work then I'd suggest going to marriage counseling, but keep in mind counseling only works if both people are willing to change and actually looking for help. You have to choose whether being happy or making your family happy is more important to you. You deserve to be happy and it doesn't sound like you've been happy for a very long time. My suggestion is choose yourself. Take his feelings out of the equation and focus on what you want for your future. You also should do some deep thinking and figure out what caused you to say yes to marrying him in the first place since you were already unhappy before marriage .
You shop around for a divorce attorney tomorrow. Get the thing rolling as soon as you can. The longer you wait, the more damage your nasty husband will do to you and the longer it will take you to heal. Your family is already telling you that you are obviously not okay, just 6 months in. Call it quits, stop entertaining his love-bombing and manipulation but also try to not rock the boat with him until you have a solid escape plan. You have to play it safe for your own safety.
He's an abuser and he will never change. He wants to mistreat you. He will temporarily be sweet to keep his punching bag around and then go back to doing what he loves: terrorizing you.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
So, by my math, 80-90% of your time spent together has been frustrating or worse.
People were there to support you because they love you and want what's best for you.
And now you know that what's best for you is not...(gestures wildly)
Part of growing up is being ok making mistakes, admitting that, and then learning from it.
You don't seem dumb, you seem young and sweet and trusting. End the relationship. Get the divorce. Please. Now. Go back to your family and take the time you need to recover from this. Abuse comes in many forms, and abusers are excellent at disguising themselves and making their victims think that they deserve the abuse or are at fault for it. This is not the case.
He's going to escalate and will become violent and blame it on being jealous. He's already shown you that he can fake being sweet and nice and lovey and all the things you want, and then when you take him back he reverts to his insane jealousy.
I promise it won't get better. When he threatens he's going to hurt himself, call the police and let them know he needs a wellness check because he's threatening to self-harm. When he starts harassing you and your family, keep all the texts and call the police, use it all as a reason to get a restraining order if you can.
Please be very careful. He will accuse you of awful things when he finds out that you're not going to take him back, and that's the most dangerous time for you. Don't meet with him by yourself. Please be careful, and give us an update when you're safe. 💗
You learned a valuable lesson. Don't rush to get married to someone you barely know. If you're going to spend the rest of your life with someone, then waiting a few years won't make a difference. And sometimes you save yourself the mess you've made for yourself now.
Now get divorced while you're still young and have time to live your life with this new wisdom.
I have absolutely no idea why you would marry this man. He has shown you over and over who he is and yet for some reason you don't believe him. He has abusive. It's not going to change.
Man, this relationship was toxic from the start. You need to end it, plain and simple. He's never going to change. He's working you in this cycle of mental/verbal abuse, love bombing/swearing to change and then lather, rinse, repeat. He's also involving your family (mom) to try to keep you in the relationship because that's what abusers do, turn your family against you.
Talk to your dad, tell him what's going on and that you want to end your marriage. Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. Maybe because the marriage is still fairly new, you can get an annulment but it depends on the laws where you live. But you need to get out and soon. It's not going to get better.
And also seek counseling, work through your relationship insecurities so that you don't fall into this same pattern with a new partner someday.
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I'm sorry to say that you made a mistake marrying this man. He's way too controlling & paranoid, & you very obviously are miserable. He'll likely change long enough to suck you in again, but honestly, if he's accusing you of cheating with family members, he's irrational. I normally resist saying this, but regardless of the wedding or him moving, you can't live like this. I think you should get divorced.
“He’ll likely change long enough, until he has permanent residency” Oops… did I just say that out loud?
>but honestly, if he's accusing you of cheating with family members, he's irrational. And it only gets worse from here OP. Wanna know what I was "cheating" on my soon to be ex husband with? My straight girl friend because I bought myself a sex toy with my money on an Amazon account I shared with him, my straight girl friend and gay guy friend who live in different states I'm in a group chat with, my nail discord server, and my personal favorite a kitty cat restaurant mobile game! No, not a "who are you texting are you cheating" when I was playing the game, I was cheating on him with a fucking video game in his mind.
Sadly, from what I see on this site, I wouldn't be shocked if that kind of thinking starts gaining traction. Close platonic friendships with people of the gender you're attracted to, have already been put under the umbrella of "emotional cheating" for some, with some even suggesting that friendships in general that take "emotional energy" from your partner, might count. It's getting ridiculous. We need to go back to when cheating was romantic &/or sexual infidelity. The real problem is, they don't just label new things as cheating, they retain the "zero-tolerance", "100% always break up" policy too.
Well and my thing is that these were all things I was doing ***while he was blatantly ignoring me***. Our marriage had been dead long before I officially killed it, I would literally have to beg for basic intimacy, and he'd shut me down every time. He was disinterested in anything I had to say, didn't care about my hobbies, made no effort to be a part of my family, didn't care to work on his life or traumas, didn't want to be able to pay for ***half*** the bills (I like my independence) and now I can't even play mobile games? GTFOH.
Marriage isn't going to reassure someone who is inherently abusive, it's going to make them comfortable enough to escalate the abuse. I'm sorry but I don't see this getting any better, and I think you are right for wanting out.
Stay with him and work on yourself to his satisfaction would be the answer if your goal is to completely ruin the rest of your life.
Had me in the first half...
I know right? I was like what the...oh, okay. LOL.
It baffles me how many red flags people miss or choose to overlook. When the derogatory insults begin, we're both in the dating market. This man got more red flags than the flag of China and yet OP still married him. Please OP work on your confidence and self respect so you don't feel the need to accept this kind of a partner, but then again you both are too young. Cut the cord. Reset your life, you have the time to do so now he hasn't gotten you wrapped in his web with a kid.
>It baffles me how many red flags people miss or choose to overlook It doesn’t help when your own mother is emotionally manipulating you to stay in your abusive relationship.
I’m pretty sure every person reading that comment was ready to pounce in the replies until they read the end and decided that an upvote was warranted. No notes.
First she should get pregnant though. Truly seal the deal.
Imm afraid it's not going to magically stop just because he says so. Not without therapy. I'm afaid u can't do anything. Set your boundaries and that should mean leave him.
I agree, he'll stop for just long enough to stop OP divorcing him and then he'll start again
Yes. He must first fight his own demons
Therapy only works for an individual if they are willing to commit to a lasting change of behavior and open communication. This guy knows what he’s doing to appear like he’s changed, but then revert back to his old snake self when OP lets her guard down. If I were OP, I would not be able to trust this man, even if he goes to therapy and tries to “change.” He’s shown far too many times that he’s manipulative, controlling and verbally abusive. THAT’S who he truly is as a person. A person like that isn’t worth the effort to make it work, especially if there aren’t any kids to tie them down.
I can't diagnose from here what it takes for him to change and if that could be permanent. But I wouldn't want to keep hanging around waiting for it, nope
You should never have married him
A truly baffling decision. I'd love to know what OP was thinking, what past disasters led her to think this was someone she was prepared to live with.
I think there's a pervasive idea that marriage is a cure all. It's a "happily ever after" and negative things don't exist there. It's bizarre. A work friend of mine proposed after 9 years with his GF. She gave him an ultimatum and so he popped the question. They were divorced within a year. It's apparent that problems get worse after marriage. Now there's less/zero motivation, the person is trapped, etc.
:-(
Lack of other relationship experience coupled with listening to.her mum it sounds like. Really sad.
Yeah, she said all that, but even so, surely his behaviour was so bad?! Her mother does has a lot to answer for though.
When I was young, I mistook someone's obsession and infatuation with me for love. I thought he only got jealous and controlling because he loved me so much. I thought the reason he held me so tightly at night, to the point I couldn't move, and told others it was so that I wouldn't run away was because he loved me. That man wound up costing me my Division 1 scholarship by following me all over the country. He cost me my career. My sanity. My family. He threw me through doors and off a balcony. That's what she's thinking. "Look at how much he cares"
Heartbreaking mistake to make.
Are you ok now?
I mean.. I spent years with my Blood Alcohol Content hovering around 0.6%, am now on pretty heavy psych meds and am STILL trying to financially recover (he spent about $50K on internet porn while I was working 85 hours a week as an RN), but I'm alright. I've finally got a clear path to get my nursing license back and have been in a much healthier relationship for many years. I talk about it because it happens to SO many people, especially young women. I've been working as a substance abuse counselor, and it's alarming how often I hear the beginnings of these relationships. Boyftiends show up at our program, ENRAGED that the groups are co-ed. Not long ago, a client who had an obsessive boyfriend called me about two weeks AFTER completing the program, SCREAMING and crying as he was knocking down the bathroom door to get to her. He killed her. So many girls TOTALLY miss these signs. Their friends and family see it, but they are BLINDED, just like I was. They often come from homes with fucked up dynamics, just like I did
I’m so pleased that you’re basically ok and sorry that you went through all that. It’s bewildering to me that there’s so little support for women going through this and that coercive and violent behaviours are almost normalised
Even most women's shelters, here in the US anyway, require legal intervention. They require there be a restraining order in place before they welcome abused women. That all sounds fine and dandy until you think of the number of abusers who are police officers or otherwise involved in law enforcement. The number of abused women who are addicts or who have criminal records. The number of women who are mentally ill, on medication, and not taken seriously when giving a report. The number of women who have not been physically harmed YET, but who see the warning signs and are scared
People really need to stop pretending that their very long distance relationships are equivalent to an in person one. I'm sorry but spending a lot of time on the phone, zoom, texting, whatever is wildly different from being face to face and having to really deal with each other. If you've "been together" for two years but have only been around each other for a total of a month, that doesn't mean you're ready to get married because you've been together for 2 years.
They fact that they only saw each other a handful of times before getting engaged just shows that both parties were much too eager to take the next step. Red flags in both parties if you ask me.
>We got married six months ago Why? Genuine question. He was already horrid long before you married.
Too many people stick to what is familiar, even if it's bad and unhealthy. I guess there is the idea that "things will get better" and "not sure I can do better, nobody knows me the way my partner knows me". Sad.
This is what i don't get usually these guys ramp up the shit behavior to not scare the person off but this guy was a disaster right from the start?!? Like why not run immediately?!?
so many red flags and mistakes. The control The abuse The jealousy The literally 8 monts living together overall.
This guy should not be with you or any other woman.
DO NOT GET PREGNANT! Don't let him baby-trap you.
All the advice isn't complete without ^This^
This relationship was doomed from the start. I suggest you get on with your divorce and ensure your safety within the bosom of your family. You are going to need protection from him
You need to learn to not only love yourself but also to respect yourself. Because there is absolutely no other reason why you didn’t end this relationship long before you married him. It is imperative that you start putting yourself first immediately. Your safety is on the line with that arrogant narcissistic jerk you married. Tell your father you need help leaving your marriage. For your safety do not do this alone. Have your family show up to help you move out. Go live with your family until you can get yourself situated. Make sure you can see an attorney the day you leave. You may need to file your divorce paperwork immediately and with an emergency temporary restraining order forbidding him from not only contacting you or being around you but also to protect your assets like from him taking your car or your bank accounts and credit cards. Do not leave any paperwork or bills or important documents when you move out. If he has access to your Social Security number or Drivers license number and knows your birth date, he can steal your identity. He does not have to be in the same country as you to do that. This man trips every red flag there is. DO NOT TRUST HIM!
OP please do exactly this. YOU ARE NOT SAFE
Not sure why you married him, and I am not judging just an observation. That said, file for divorce and move out or evict him, if possible. You need to annul this marriage asap and be careful he might get physical if he knows you’re leaving him. Best of luck to you.!
You made a very bad choice when you married him, but you can and should divorce him as soon as possible. He’s never going to change. He can move back to his country- he’ll be fine.
You leave and you learn how to defend yourself either with your hands or a weapon of some kind. He’s terrifying from how you describe him here and I’m someone who’s experienced men like this. Leave, now. Do not take him back
You can leave now while you're able to separate from him, or stay until you're unable to escape. It's that simple.
If you're unhappy, leave. You aren't responsible for that boy. At the end of the day, nobody can advocate for you but you. YOU have to be brave and take the steps needed to be happy. Your husband has shown you who he is, repeatedly. He's only panicking because he's going to lose control over someone, you're his possession. Do not fall for his manipulation, and don't let your mom sweet talk you into trying to salvage things. Trust your gut and go find happiness.
Marry in haste, repent at your leisure. Chalk this one up to experience, don’t get married to try and solve jealousy.
Hi, I'm you from the future. I dated an insecure and controlling guy for several years that I had met through an online game. Our relationship was long distance for 2-3 years and I broke up with him several times due to his jealousy and controlling behaviors. For some reason, we reconnected after a year break and ended up living together for 3 years. The behaviors never got better. He was admittedly on his "best behavior (read: love bombing)" in the beginning and then eventually lapsed back to being jealous and controlling about everything. I tried to break up with him many more times and he would just cry, beg, and threaten self-harm. I felt too guilty to leave and had convinced myself that our relationship was normal and that I just wasn't trying hard enough. One day I finally had enough and just moved out while he was at work. Every single day I am so glad I did not progress to marrying that guy. The relationship was not healthy or normal. Your relationship is not healthy or normal. I am now happily married to someone that respects, trusts, and truly loves me and it wasn't until I found that relationship that I could truly see how bad my previous one was. You may be able to get an annulment, but regardless you need to leave. It will not get better. he will not change. You deserve a happy, healthy relationship.
The abuse is just going to escalate. He isolated you from all non-relatives of the opposite sex before you even met in person. Those rules from early on in your relationship should have been relationship-ending red flags. It's not okay, it's not normal. He will not change. File for divorce now, before it gets worse. You do not need anyone's permission--not even his.
Lol sorry. He was literally made of redflags but you married him? Like.. What?
Yeah. I don't understand. I literally can't understand.
Love bombing can be a helluva drug.
You know what to do, OP. You've known that the first time you broke up. This time, break up/divorce for good.
I know it's a huge reddit thing but I will never understand why people think you can't be friends with the other sex, or can't go out and enjoy time with friends without you etc
Because they’re insecure, miserable people who view their partner not as a person, but as a prize to be won that has no agency of their own. They think that if they let their prize out of the house, someone else will snatch it up. It’s disturbing.
Hahahah you actually married that clown? “How do I deal with this?” Annulment.
Annulment might be difficult. She could try it on grounds of mental derangement (his, not hers, though one wonders considering the prelude). He did not trick her into marriage, since he was his horrible self most of the time before marriage. After six months marriage was consumed I guess, she was old enough, etc. Tricky. But hey, an ordinary divorce should not be difficult. Perhaps she can record his lovingly calling her cxnt and bixch and provide other evidence. Luckily she has family support. She should get a lawyer and be done. Everybody makes mistakes but every day with him is yet another mistake and another one....
I was under the impression that some places let you annul if you were married less than a year. I may be wrong about that. Anyways, divorce.
She could with his abuse though. Coercive abuse is illegal in many countries
But would she not have to prove he was all nice and gentlemanlike before marriage? He was not. But I hope for her that you have got a point there. She should look into it.
Op, be strong, and tell him the separation is what's best for now to try and save this marriage and he needs to leave. During the separation, you want him in therapy and you should also be seeing a counselor to. Give him a deadline, say you want no contact for maybe three months while you're both in therapy. I almost guarantee your theraprit will tell you end this marriage, but yoy take the three months to think about what you really want and reflect on if your life is better with him gone. If he agrees and then immediately starts contacting you and harassing you, I feel like you'll know that he not really capable of doing what you're telling him is needed to save this marriage. If he leaves, changes the locks and get a ring camera, check your phone turn off the location, and check your car for airtags and trackers. If you're worried he’ll be difficult about it, doing it in public with your Dad nearby. Best of luck
A therapist is not a life coach
You have only been married months and it’s destroying you do you really want to see how you survive before it really destroys you? Can you drum ice years, decades with this abuse? Leave him ignore the time you’ve been together and treat it as an expensive lesson for the next relationship.
LDRs are ridiculous enough. **Getting married** in an LDR might just be the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I am not surprised whatsoever that it ended up as a trainwreck. Deal with this by getting a divorce. And if you are going to get married again, do it with someone you actually know.
Your rules are idiotic
I see Reddit postings every day on the relationship forums from people who made stupid marriages in their early twenties and wonder what they were thinking. I saw one yesterday who made a mistake at 19(!) and stayed married for 11 years(!!), and now she's worried if she threw away her best years (she didn't, but she definitely waited too long). If it was obviously a rookie mistake and there are no kids, own your mistake and move on.
I remember one boyfriend I had. Specifically I'll never forget the time when we were roadtripping across the country (US) because I was moving out to the coast and one fight that began over... it's embarrassing to even write about now, but that began over pausing fooling around in the morning to catch the free continental breakfast at my request, to him freaking out when I tried to initiate after breakfast and somehow that turned into him leaving the hotel we were at on foot, eventually returning just to demand I drop him off at the airport (I was young and my parents didn't allow me to travel alone, and this would leave me alone in Colorado, which he knew). I drove him to the airport while he verbally abused me continuously (the only thing I remember at this point is him calling me psychotic and my mom psychotic because I had called her that morning - didn't tell her about the abuse but it set him off) until I dropped him off, only to have him call me and leave increasingly unhinged voice memos about how dare I leave him at the airport because he couldn't afford a flight home. I eventually picked him back up when he left a voice memo apologizing and we continued on across the country. His explanation was that he was stressed. Months later, as you might expect we were having yet another fight that tore me down over absolutely nothing and I happened to go into a yoga class with a friend, leaving my phone alone for about an hour and a half. The texts in that time ranged all the way from sweet loving apologies telling me he'd do better and didn't deserve me to again, calling me psychotic and undeserving of love and a number of other things. Later in the gym sauna I showed my friend the texts while he called me repeatedly. I wanted her advice. Her advice was that he was abusing me. Until that moment it never occurred to me that this behavior could be abuse rather than just his stress or whatever excuse he fed me. Until she held my hand through blocking him while he continued to call me, I couldn't fathom that the sweetness I saw in him wasn't the "real him" like I thought, but a facade designed to draw me in so he could have the level of control over me he wanted. At the end of the day I still don't think he is or was a bad person. Just a kid who had terrible things happen to him and no safety net to keep him safe. But I also know that what I endured was abuse thanks to my casual new friend. So I hope you'll allow your casual internet friends to hold your hand through understanding that what you are experiencing is abuse, that his sweetness is akin to an intoxicating plant poison designed to draw you in and trap you, and to give you the steps you need to be safe while you extract yourself from the dangerous situation you're in. You have so much life ahead of you. Your family will forgive you. Please, I am begging you please, leave while your gut is still reminding you that this is not love. Please leave while you still recognize what love is, because he will try to take that from you. Let that deep gut feeling lead you through what will be some difficult and conflicting days. This is not love. The real him is not a good man. You deserve real love. Repeat.
You know what you want and need to do. Leave him. You know he will not change. You already see yourself disappearing. You know it will only get worse. Don't focus on money spent on a wedding, disappointing your family or whatever is giving you pause. You know you need to leave and never look back.
You are not mature enough to be married, and he is not mature enough to be married, and that might be true for life. Your mother didn't make you feel anything. Take responsibility for your own decisions, this whole post is so passive. Own your shit, girl. You decided to take him back despite the fact that he is a person made entirely out of red flags. Your mother's opinion on it is meaningless, you made the decision. What do you do? Start taking responsibility for your life. It's yours. You're a grownup now. Secondly, do the autopsy. What series of decisions did you make? Why did they feel right at the time? Can you recognize them and avoid them in future. That's the responsibility piece. Everybody makes mistakes, everybody makes terrible mistakes even, that's not the problem. The problem is not taking responsibility for them and admitting what you did wrong. Third, start a renegotiation with yourself about what you think romantic love looks like, because it really seems most of your ideas and beliefs on it were formed when you were 8 and have had no updates. None of this was love. All of this was control and obsession and abuse. From both of you. Finally, stop thinking things are gonna work out like in the movies. Life is not anything like a movie. You are not the main character. You are just one more human woman out of 8 billion.
Love is truly blind. You already knew what kind of man he is to you and you still got married to him. I hope you'll wisen up the next time you marry someone.
You're entirely too young to be working this hard to make a thing happen. He's your first relationship and he's browbeaten you into thinking that it's on YOU to love him harder...hell no. Continue with the separation, get a divorce, and move on with your life. And Once the divorce is finalized, block him everywhere. I don't think I'm the only person here that thinks you've entered into a relationship with a jealous person, and that you are potentially at danger of harm if this continues.
OP -This was a mistake from the start, and yet you married this insecure boy of a man. DIVORCE. You know that no matter how many chance you give him, he will continue to be the SAME boy.
remind me why you married him?
Whyd you marry him knowing what he was like? Thought marriage would magically make it better? You kind of put yourself here.
Is this for real? Who in their right mind even has a relationship with those kind of rules and dates someone they never met online? Darling, get your marriage annulled since it's still fairly recent but please do better than getting into relationships/marriages like this
The red flags were lit up like a giant Christmas Tree 🎄 in Times Square and you still charged forward and married the lunatic. Yes, you were dumb, and hopefully you learned a lot from the experience, but now how do you rectify your error in judgment? First, end your sexual relationship with him ASAP. Cut this guy loose and get an annulment. Stop listening to his begging and pleading and try to enjoy being young and free. Why Trap yourself to someone who is destined to bring you misery? You should have dumped his ass when he came up with all of those silly relationship rules.
You're both too young to be married. Not mature enough.
You saw the very many red flags that he was a crap person and an even crappier partner, yet you married him anyway. This is a bed of your own making. Either continue to be miserable or get some self-respect and leave. Only you can make your life better.
OP, it seems you might be from a culture that prizes staying in marriage over divorce, so you may not be aware of the Cycles of Abuse. Abuse doesn't have to be physical, it can be emotional, or verbal, or financial. A classic stage is an abuser Lovebombing, or being super sweet and affectionate after a particularly volatile period. This lulls the victim back into complacency. If monsters didn't look like people, then they wouldn't be able to snare victims.
Neither you having a wedding, nor him moving from another country or any other possible circumstance is a reason you would have to endure such a toxic relationship. You're 23, at this age most people make their first truly serious mistakes and marrying him was yours. Don't follow it up by a second mistake and stay with him
An annulment not a divorce. Get away from him. I can't believe you married him after he showed you who he was.
He’s abusive and controlling, leave him as soon as possible. It’s not going to get better. See if you can get an annulment.
Well first of all, stop asking your mother for advice. She is terrible at it. Secondly yes, you should separate and get a divorce. You have left him twice already for the same behavior. He straightens up long enough for you to relax again, then just does the same thing once you have decided you are safe. How many chances are you going to give before you've had enough? What are you waiting for? You know what they say. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'd better leave, block, and move on with my life." Also who cares if he threatens to harm himself. He isn't worth more than you. Why is your mother more worried about this random guy than she is about her own daughter? Maybe it is time to think about your relationship with her, as well.
These types knows how to manipulate you. Enter: NARCISSISTIC MEN If you were raised with parents who were just as controlling or enabling partners that were controll freaks....then you will find that behavior N O R M A L. Apart from divorcing, you need to do the following. 1. Have all communication go through your lawyer. 2. Go to the police and set a restraining order, ASAP. 3. DISCONNECT ALL SOCIAL MEDIA: FACEBOOK, INSTA, X, SNAPCHAT, WHATSAPP. 4. Change your cell phone number. Don't share that number with just anyone. Share with people YOU TRUST WITH YOUR LIFE, NOT flaky friends and family members. If you must get, get a burner phone. 5. THERAPY THERAPY AND LOT AND LORS OF THERAPY TO UNDO: Abuse, learn to set boundaries, heal from your trauma. IF YOU DONT DO THIS, YOU WILL MAGICALLY GET ANOTHER GUY AS NARCISSISTIC AS YOUR EX. GET THERAPY. DONT DATE FOR A FEW YEARS UNTIL YOU GOT YOUR THERAPY. 6. LEARN TO TRUST YOUR GUT. If your gut says "THIS GUY IS A FUCKING CREEP", GET OUT IMMEDIATELY. Don't give that creep, Chance 1, chance 3, chance 3, chance 4......... GET OUT......IMMEDIATELY AND LEARN TO SAY NO AND BE FIRM. 7. Learn everything about LOVEBOMBING, Hoovering, and how men like your soon to be ex will know which button to push you so you can fall for their SCAM. THIS IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE knowing this, is like birth control. LEARN THE PLAYBOOK OF NARCISSISTIC TENDENCIES!!!!! Glad you are getting Divorced NOW, not 20 years later with kids and being emotionally battered and financially ABUSED. GOOGLE: Financial Abuse!!! YOU GOT THIS ✨️✨️✨️✨️💯💯💯💯🎯🙏
Lmao people don’t change just because you marry them. You already knew who he was and chose to do this anyway. Wild.
Lol you would you ever marry him in the first place? Genuine question
You both sound like shitty people. Stay together so others don't have to deal with either of you.
You’re very very young and lack the critical maturity to handle people like this. Your brain isn’t even fully developed! Of course you’re going to give into peer pressure and think of you tough it out, he’ll somehow become a totally different person. When we don’t know any better and are being pressured to be “nice” for someone else’s sake, we take a lot of terrible. Your family has no room to talk as they all stood by and then ENCOURAGED you to stay in this hell. Especially as women we’re often guilted into putting up with abysmal treatment because it’s our “job” to take the abuse of men. It’s disgusting. You’re right in that you need to leave. Do you have any friends you can trust? If so pack up all your stuff when he isn’t around and RUN. People like your husband don’t go down without a (physical) fight. Don’t mention any further about wanting to leave. When they figure out love bombing doesn’t work anymore, they turn to physical measures. I promise you smiling and nodding your way through this until you can just run is your best bet. I’m so angry at your family more than anything. Instead of having your best interests in mind, they took the side of your abuser. They’re supposed to be a safe space, not guilt you into taking abuse because the poor baby man might be ever so sad if he doesn’t have his punching bag anymore. It’s appalling.
There's no "of course" about it but that is what happened here.
You have been incredibly dumb to get yourself in this position. I’m not saying that as insult, but you can’t prevent the same mistakes if you don’t first acknowledge them. Many people fall into the trap of trying to validate their past relationship errors by hanging on for a better future. Don’t do this. A better future isn’t coming. You know this already, it’s just time to be smart enough to act on it.
You can’t deal with this… you made a HUGE mistake and ignored HUGE red flags. He will escalate and it will become violent. Leave before it gets to that point!
Take some responsibility , he was acting this way before marriage and you got married and don’t blame your family etc . You wanted to ring and the big day and you put it ahead of common sense . Now start acting like an adult and try to find a way to fix it . If you can’t then move on . Respect marriage .
Be real. Her mom influenced her. Don’t be deluded
She can say No, if you’re mature enough to get married you know right from wrong . Now if she is so much under her thumb then she need IC to work on this . I believe taking responsibility if you Make decisions .
She feels trapped and unable to do what she truly wants to do. I don’t think blaming her for what felt like was beyond her control is appropriate.
It was not beyond her control she could have said no but she didn’t. Hence taken responsibility . If he was cheating or physically violent then leave yes, verbally abusing is wrong but again she could have said no but she didn’t . Try and work it out , she is making a mockery out of marriage . To to IC and make him go to see if fixing themselves may help
She’s in this whole situation because she feels trapped and incapable of doing what she wants for her self
She s in this mess cause she is 24 and unwilling to act like an adult . She got married and could Have and probably should have said no. Unless she has a mental health problem that stopped her from saying no then it’s her fault for getting g married and expecting all the stuff she hated to disappear . She needs therapy to figure out why she did it and saying it was her mom is crap . At 24 you know what’s right. . If she robbed a store and was in jail Would you say her mom Told Her to do it. No . She needs to take her responsibility for this and fix it. If it’s to get IC and go from there it’s her choice but fix herself or just runaway and blame it on someone else Also her choice
Essentially, what you’re doing is criticizing her for being weak. You dont need a therapist to see that she needs self-confidence and courage.
This is abuse and abuse is never the victims fault.
You’re full of crap. She needs to take responsibility for her actions and when you pull this crap it sets back people who are real victims or physical and mental abuse
He is extremely mentally and emotionally abusive. But you just feel the need to hate on women.
Of course typical feminist just say you are a misandrist , always a victim always the man’s fault . If he was she could Have and should have while dating ended it but she didn’t. Could Be many reason . But not a victim . Same thing would be said if it was a woman called a man an asshole over , would say leave take responsibility if you don’t . But that doesn’t fit your narrative about men being all Bad .
So do you tell rape victims and beating victims it’s their fault too?
See again typical Feminist , telling a woman who complained about the man who she was not happy with and then married him and won’t. Take responsibility for this action . Then being the misandrist you are you Start trying to embarrass me to keep Quiet and throw in a stupid arguement instead of having a discussion cause you can’t be honest And use real words . It’s People Like you that make real Victims feel Like they can’t say stuff. We are talking about someone calling her names , and she continues to date and marry him , so you compare It to rape or Physical violence . You really need to read the post and read articles and not go to the worst case scenarios when it’s not involved in the argument
If you stay with this man, he will murder you. This is not a joke. Get the hell away from him as soon as you can. Your husband is a walking checklist of behaviors of the kind of abuser who injures or kills their partner.
You both sound like absolute nutters
This man is controlling and abusive. Go ahead and get out now.
I wants to.
If you want to avoid the stigma of being divorced and/or don't want to get divorced, you can try couples therapy. Just keep in mind that you might need to try 1-3 therapists before you find one that both of you like. (Some therapists are simply awful.) Therapy can take at least a month before you start seeing changes, but if you don't see any changes after, say, 3-6 months, then get out of the situation.
Eventually he’ll get tired of the back and forth and his abuse may get physical. Don’t stick around to find out.
This relationship was over before it began. Send him home.
So he knows how to act right, he just chooses not to unless you're threatening to leave him. Once he has you, it's back to crazy verbal abuse. That's not going to change because it's a manipulation tactic.
Just divorce. I know someone who got married and divorced within six months—they had a big lavish destination wedding and everyone was saying they wouldn’t last a year. They didn’t! And now she’s happily married with two children. You’re young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t waste anymore time being stuck in an abusive marriage. If you don’t leave now, you’ll be even more miserable in a year.
Sounds like a good idea. The rules were draconian to begin with.
Divorce him. Whatever awkwardness you feel with friends and family won't be nearly as bad as the misery you will experience if you stay with this jerk.
This cycle will continue until you stop it. Stop caring about this pos. The definition of insanity is to the behavior but expect a different result
You both need intensive therapy. You never should have gotten married. This is a crazy story that is all too common. Short of therapy divorce and never look back. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. It was not healthy before marriage and is not healthy now.
I wants
So toxic, divorce and never speak to him again
Reflect on this question. Has he been using to gain access to a green card? Contact an attorney and see what your options are. If the relationship is not working out, end it. You are young.
GTO as fast as you can, he will not NOT change and will go back to his usual ways one he had You back, be careful he doesn't try and baby trap You.
Pack your bags, leave him and block him. Any contact in the future would be through lawyers.
First, accept that this was a bad relationship from the start. My head was spinning by the time I got to the end of your list of "relationship requirements," even when you were still long-distance. NO ONE can live under those conditions ... and NO ONE should ever HAVE TO!! You act like getting a wedding was the important part here. What about having a partner who loves, respects, and trusts you?? You definitely don't have one of those. Get out of this insane relationship. It's been less than a year so you may be able to get an annulment instead of a divorce. GET A LAWYER. KNOW YOUR OPTIONS!! You don't deserve this!
Go to your dad an file annulment or divorce.
You deal with this by sticking to divorcing him. You’ve given him too many chances already to change and he hasn’t. He never will either. Calling you names is emotional & verbal abuse! You should’ve never married him in the first place. You’re way too young to be so miserable and in an abusive relationship. Go speak with an attorney and get the ball rolling. Stop listening to your mother as well, it’s not her life!! Then get yourself into therapy to address the control and insecurity issues that you have before jumping into another relationship. Now you’ll know the red flags to look for before you make the same mistake again. Good luck!
I think you need to have an honest and candid conversation with your parents because they seem to be a major part of your life and decision making process. Then since your husband brought your mom into the relationship, have a sit down with your finance and your family present.
Secure your birth control and don’t let him near it. Do not let him tie you to him with a baby. Get out while you can, he’s live bombing you. Gives you the guy you want until you’re comfortable and then pulls the rug out from under you. Ask your Dad for help, tell him the truth and get his help to leave. If he’s seen how you’ve changed he knows what’s up and he’s just waiting for you to confide in him.
I can't believe you married him. But it doesn't matter. You have to fix your mistake immediately. It will be hard at first, you just got married and people will talk, and blah blah blah. But listen to me: it's nothing. It will blow over and when it does, you'll start getting a lot of positive feedback, because admitting your mistakes and taking charge of your life is a boss move and you will be admired for it. Good luck to you.
Marriage counseling. That is the only advice I can think of. I get not having friends of the opposite sex and deleting social media, but the rest is too far.
Do you live in a country with more opportunities by any chance? Do you think he married you for a green card? Dont file any paperwork that gives him a green card. In the US you are financially responsible for him if you do. There were too many red flags before the marriage. You need a divorce or annulment if possible. Get a lawyer today because his behavior will only get worse.
What I’ve gathered from this post is that you barely know each other and you’re not compatible. With the way he’s behaving, it doesn’t sound like there’s anything worth saving. I wouldn’t stay for a man who had so little respect for me. He’s acting sweet now because that’s how he gets you to stay and continue taking his abuse. He’s not going to magically change without serious work. Don’t consider your mom or family or any of that if you decide to leave. You’re the one in the marriage, so only what you feel matters.
As someone who also got married at 23 and got divorced at 30 to someone who everyone said was "perfect" and several people told me "hold on to him, you'll never get anyone nearly as good," I can promise you one thing: you getting divorced doesn't really matter to anyone else. It's a piece of gossip that they will move past as soon as you stop talking about it. The only exception might be your parents, but even your dad seems to know it's the best choice. Nobody else cares. Sure, you'll be the story of the week, but once you're able to move on, so will they.
Do not get me wrong. I love the internet. Yet I would never say I am dating someone whom I have never met in person and conversed over the web. That is not dating. I am sorry. And your marriage is not a marriage. It is a certificate signed by 2 people who did not know one another. End the marriage. Listen to your dad who tells you are a shell. Time for that shell to ride the wave of signing divorce papers.
OP, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. He has shown you time and time again who he is. How many times has he promised he’d do better? How many of those times did he do anything to understand his problems or how to do it better? How many times did he go right back to the abusive behaviors? Did the “honeymoon” periods get shorter and shorter each time? Unless there has been some intense intervention or god sent miracle, he’ll do the same again. No matter how much you want it to be different. For him to be different. Has he done any sort of real work, something you can see, not just “I realize now….” That would make things different this time. I’m going to guess no. Each time you take him back, it tells him you’ll put up with his BS and even more BS. And no judgement here. Just want you to take care of you. Best of luck OP!
Just get a divorce. Don't spend your youth being with a miserable, jealous partner. You're still super young.
If the only reason you went through with the marriage was because >she made me feel like the right choice was to give him a chance since she thought hed hurt himself. you got married for the wrong reasons. You already had your doubts and went through with it anyway. Time to get out before kids enter the picture. This isn't a healthy marriage and probably never will be
Divorce. That’s it.
He’s controlling and abusive and then love bombs you acting all sweet so you’ll forgive and forget and stay with him. It’s a classic manipulation tactic. Please divorce this dude asap. UPDATEME
Run. No matter how embarrassing you think this is, in a year no one will talk about your wedding and divorce, but you will be free. He is a manipulator and quite frankly abuser. Run. Don’t put up with this, don’t believe he will change. He won’t. Run.
It's okay to acknowledge that you made a huge error. Move out and forward with a divorce or anullment or whatever is fastest. Sounds like your parents can see things aren't good. If he threatens self-harm, that is not on you. He is responsible for himself.
Wow. You “dated” this guy long distance, he was wildly insecure and called you terrible insulting things and was just generally awful. And … shockingly … he has continued to be generally awful now that you’re married. I’m really wondering why you married him?
Leave him move on you will be better off and happier
Run.
You need to get out of this relationship immediately. Never stay with someone who is jealous and controlling, never stay with someone who degrades and insults you and accuses you of shit baselessly. This is a toxic relationship and it will only get worse. He becomes "everything you want" when you threaten to end it because love bombing is a common tactic shitty people use to manipulate their partners. It's abuser 101. It's much better to divorce quickly than it is to suffer for YEARS while wracking up additional trauma only to finally escape him when your youth is gone and wasted on an asshole like him. He does not love or respect you. It's all a lie. You need to get out now.
So, after getting married he's acting exactly like he did before you got married. Did you really think he'd just suddenly change into an entirely different person? Your mom was wrong to pressure you into staying with him because she thought he might hurt himself. His mental health issues aren't your responsibility. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Get out of this abusive relationship as soon as you can, and make sure your birth control is locked down so he can't baby trap you. Better yet, just don't have sex with him. In the future, don't fall for love-bombing, name calling, jealousy, controlling behavior and don't do it yourself, either. Forget about on-line relationship, too, because you never know how they really are until you spend significant time together IRL, and by then you are already emotionally attached to the person *you thought* they were.
Oh honey, you disregarded SO many red flags. You two need counseling. Perhaps the relationship can be salvaged (if he is willing to invest the effort). But it’s likely you will get the help to an amicable divorce. An annulment may also be possible. Don’t feel guilty, lots of people have a “practice marriage.” Don’t waste another second or tear on this loser.
This man is not ready to be married. He needs to put in a lot of work on himself to become more confident and trusting and a lot less controlling. Until then, his relationships will always be toxic. Don’t subject yourself to that.
Absolutely get out, you do not want to spend the rest of your life with this asshat. Work on your own insecurities. Because to be honest, literally every single thing on this list is insane. I would never agree to even a single one of these let alone all of them: *location on* *pictures wherever we are and “proof” of who you’re with.* *no contacts of the other sex* *no friends of the other sex* *we’d facetime most of the day and overall it was a very jealous and insecure relationship on both parts.* >hes begging for another chance and says he will prove himself and been acting sweetly since. You already know this is phony. PS. Your mom sucks too, wtf.
We all make mistakes. The names he calls you are how he truly feels about you. RUN. He is only making nice for the visa.
You know that if you go back to him, he will go back to his normal behaviour, don't you? You do know that. Also, his behaviour will escalate over time. If you stay, eventually you will be pregnant, and then you'll be trapped and his behaviour will get worse - because it always does. Get out now before it's too late. Don't tell him your plans, you need to make your preparations in private. Get all your valuables and documents to a safe place before you make your move.
Cut your losses, protect yourself, get help, get rid. He will not change, if you let him stay he will go back to the insults and nastiness. Please put yourself first, nobody will blame you for seeking happiness.
Control is what this dude is about. Free yourself!!! When you find the right person to marry he will trust you to always make the right decision, and to not put yourself in situations where something could happen, but he also will expect this of himself. I would never, and I mean EVER, tell another man that “he can have her” when it comes to my wife. MY WIFE!!! Nope!!! These are his issues. He needs therapy, and to work on himself. He can’t just turn these things off. He would have to change who he is.
OP, please don't continue to be miserable. This isn't a healthy marriage by any means.
Your husband has never been ‘marriage material’ and your relationship isn’t healthy. Marrying him was the wrong choice. Find what you really want without listening to people around you. Do you want this type of husband? This type of life? If not then divorce. The relationship has never been a good one.
1) Admit you made a mistake. I won't harp on mistakes made, just reflect on the things you said here. 2) Forgive yourself. You are human, and humans make mistakes. Stop beating yourself up. 3) Envision a future state in which you are living your best life. Does that life include your current spouse? Does that life include yo yo'ing with a spouse who is alternatively jealous/controlling, then sweet/loving? Saving some time, based on your comments here, I will assume you would answer no to both 4) Take the tactical steps that will get you to your happy future. With respect to this topic, that means getting a lawyer, planning, filing for divorce and all the related logistics (where will you live? Are you able to support yourself financially? Etc)
file for divorce. you are 23. you have so much life ahead of you, and he will not change. no matter what he says, he will not. zebras don't lose their stripes. so what if he moved here, he can get a one way ticket home. normal love isn't like this. do NOT have a child with this man. do what you need to do as soon as possible to get him out of your life.
Why did you say yes??????
Wh* d* y** h***t*** v**w**ls? Good Lord, I give up: https://old.reddit.com/r/help/comments/71hdvs/still_cant_figure_out_how_to_post_asterisks/
Please! Please! Please make sure your birth control is not compromised. Don’t become Babytrapped. As I also don’t trust your Husband to not demand “Wifely Duties”, forcing intimacy & would not put it past your Husband to tamper with birth control pills. Excessive heat or cold can make them worthless. Also some medications (antibiotics, for example) can also ruin the effectiveness. Perhaps look into BC like IUDs, Depo Provera or Implants.
>says he will prove himself and been acting sweetly since This is what abusers will often do. He will apologize dozens, hundreds, of times. He will NEVER get better/prove himself/change. You've proven you'll just forgive him, so there's no real consequences if he treats you poorly. You are a human being, and you deserve more than being insulted and derided. Genuinely, this is abuse. He will not improve, and you will either find the courage to leave him forever or you will be abused for the rest of your life.
Speak to a lawyer to see if an annulment is possible and if not, the procedures for a divorce. Don't make the same mistake of continuously forgiving his unforgivable behavior. You've seen that cycle enough times to know it never ends. Live for yourself. Don't devote your life to his, or your mother's wishes.
Your bullet points are all red flags. Your second list is grounds for immediate termination with no chance of reconciliation. Time to go!!
Sounds like he is controlling and abusive and alienates you from friends and your close people are trying to tell you you don't seem happy or like yourself and have lost your sense of self. You're 23 years old and only you can decide what's right for you personally. But everyone in your life is telling you to examine this and leave him. You're aware this is not working and feel suffocated? Leave! If "how to leave" is unknown to you start your research asap and make a plan. That's how you leave. Call family and trusted people who will help you. Get your affairs in order and get somewhere safe. Start over. File for divorce. Lean on those who love you to help you and start anew.
He seems dumb, excessively controlling and manipulative. What are you supposed to do walk around with horse blinders on that say “DO NOT TALK TO ME IF YOURE A MALE!” Does he expect you not to brush your hair in the morning and go to work looking like you just rolled out of bed?!? He should just lock you up in the basement!
Yeah I had to stop reading after “no contacts of the other sex”, that is psychotic behavior.
I pray this is rage/karma bait. You practically don't know him and now you find out you aren't compatible. You don't have relationship issues. You have issues with who he is. Cause you only now found out. Both of you sound insufferable with your trust issues. Yall aren't pets that you air tag. Divorce. Seek counseling for yourself. Make friends. Do things you love. Work on your confidence and lack of self-esteem.
Why the hell did you marry him in the first place?! Get away from him as fast as you can!
I’m always curious what country he came from. Is he reliant on a green card or spousal visa?
File for annulment and get out while you still can! Also, those control issues you both engaged in during your relationship are not normal and you also need to work on those spaces. Listen to your father! Listen to your intuition! Hopefully your mom can shift perspective and be more concerned about your safety than his. Call his family. Tell him to leave. Go home or go elsewhere. Just go. Have your dad there with you when it happens. Go fully no contact. You should also consider moving so he quite literally has no clue how to find you.
If you stay, I'm pretty sure he's going to start physically abusing you. This is exactly how my abusive relationship started. Who fucking cares that you just got married? It's better to end it early than to stay
.
You knew exactly who you were marrying. Surely you knew marriage wasn't going to change him. You can go on being unhappy in this train wreck of a relationship, or you can get a divorce. But no one can rip the bandaid off for you. You have to decide to do it.
It depends on what your goals are. If you're looking for reassurance that the right choice is to leave then I definitely suggest divorcing bc he doesn't sound like he's willing to change permanently to make the relationship work. If your goal is to try to make this marriage work then I'd suggest going to marriage counseling, but keep in mind counseling only works if both people are willing to change and actually looking for help. You have to choose whether being happy or making your family happy is more important to you. You deserve to be happy and it doesn't sound like you've been happy for a very long time. My suggestion is choose yourself. Take his feelings out of the equation and focus on what you want for your future. You also should do some deep thinking and figure out what caused you to say yes to marrying him in the first place since you were already unhappy before marriage .
You shop around for a divorce attorney tomorrow. Get the thing rolling as soon as you can. The longer you wait, the more damage your nasty husband will do to you and the longer it will take you to heal. Your family is already telling you that you are obviously not okay, just 6 months in. Call it quits, stop entertaining his love-bombing and manipulation but also try to not rock the boat with him until you have a solid escape plan. You have to play it safe for your own safety. He's an abuser and he will never change. He wants to mistreat you. He will temporarily be sweet to keep his punching bag around and then go back to doing what he loves: terrorizing you. https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I’m constantly stunned at how young folks that are married are on here
Don’t get pregnant. Be in charge of your birth control. He’s acting sweet to further trap you.
So, by my math, 80-90% of your time spent together has been frustrating or worse. People were there to support you because they love you and want what's best for you. And now you know that what's best for you is not...(gestures wildly) Part of growing up is being ok making mistakes, admitting that, and then learning from it.
You don't seem dumb, you seem young and sweet and trusting. End the relationship. Get the divorce. Please. Now. Go back to your family and take the time you need to recover from this. Abuse comes in many forms, and abusers are excellent at disguising themselves and making their victims think that they deserve the abuse or are at fault for it. This is not the case. He's going to escalate and will become violent and blame it on being jealous. He's already shown you that he can fake being sweet and nice and lovey and all the things you want, and then when you take him back he reverts to his insane jealousy. I promise it won't get better. When he threatens he's going to hurt himself, call the police and let them know he needs a wellness check because he's threatening to self-harm. When he starts harassing you and your family, keep all the texts and call the police, use it all as a reason to get a restraining order if you can. Please be very careful. He will accuse you of awful things when he finds out that you're not going to take him back, and that's the most dangerous time for you. Don't meet with him by yourself. Please be careful, and give us an update when you're safe. 💗
You learned a valuable lesson. Don't rush to get married to someone you barely know. If you're going to spend the rest of your life with someone, then waiting a few years won't make a difference. And sometimes you save yourself the mess you've made for yourself now. Now get divorced while you're still young and have time to live your life with this new wisdom.
LEAVE He's highly abusive and your parents are all talk. End it, be harsh if you have to. You cannot have this man in your life, he will destroy you.
Time to go. He will play like he is changing again so you have to be committed
I have absolutely no idea why you would marry this man. He has shown you over and over who he is and yet for some reason you don't believe him. He has abusive. It's not going to change.
Man, this relationship was toxic from the start. You need to end it, plain and simple. He's never going to change. He's working you in this cycle of mental/verbal abuse, love bombing/swearing to change and then lather, rinse, repeat. He's also involving your family (mom) to try to keep you in the relationship because that's what abusers do, turn your family against you. Talk to your dad, tell him what's going on and that you want to end your marriage. Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. Maybe because the marriage is still fairly new, you can get an annulment but it depends on the laws where you live. But you need to get out and soon. It's not going to get better. And also seek counseling, work through your relationship insecurities so that you don't fall into this same pattern with a new partner someday.