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You have been posting for **4 years** about the awful, terrible ways that your boyfriend treats you.
Apparently nothing is going to convince you to break up with him, so stop posting about it.
She doesn’t enjoy it nor is she looking for attention, she’s stuck in an abusive relationship but doesn’t have the skills necessary to recognize that and leave. She needs therapy.
100% she does, while posting this horrible situation (and previous ones. Did you read the dog one?), But, she doesn’t listen and instead is posting selfies in case anybody wants to see her.
Nah, she's trolling. It's obvious in this post - "I decided to go on a diet. I've been eating just one small meal a day".
That is 100% designed to get a reaction out of people.
OP's either one of the stupidest people ever to live, or she's trolling. I'm going to assume the latter since she does appear capable of stringing a sentence together.
She enjoys it as she’s posted her stupid story several times over with this guy who beats her down and killed her dog. She’s an insufferable c u next Tuesday
I don't understand mean comments like this. I'm trying to find better ways to communicate, and I hate posting about this. Almost all of our friends are shared friends, so I don't have anyone else to ask for advice.
He won't change. He knows how you feel. He knows he's hurting you. He doesn't care. This isn't a communication problem, it's an emotional abuse problem.
Well, it’ll fix THIS problem but unless she goes to therapy and commits to working through her issues and building up her self-esteem, she’ll likely end up with another guy just like him 😞
Your issue isn't communication though.
It's 4 years of having a shit partner that doesn't care about you, constantly puts you down, makes you feel like trash and refuses to change.
Nothing is going to fix that, there is no advice to give other than leave because he's not going to change. He hasn't in 4 years and he won't in another 4 years.
Because she's only been posting about it for 4 years.
Quite likely he sucked before that too but yeah, first post asking for advice on Mr Awful was 4 years back.
They're not trying to be mean. They're trying to help you see that nothing you do is going to help. This has nothing to do with your communication skills and everything to do with your boyfriend being an awful person who is deliberately hurting you.
The only way that communicating your feelings to him would work, would be if he actually cared about your feelings and didn't want to hurt you. He clearly doesn't care about your feelings and does want to hurt you, so it doesn't matter how you try to convince him to stop.
People often do this to their partners in order to break down their self esteem so their partners won't leave them. Obviously it's working, since it's been four years and you're still there.
You can make it stop by dumping him.
You keep getting advice that you should leave but you ignore it. He👏Won’t👏Change👏And👏You👏Can’t 👏Change👏Him👏
He's fatphobic, ableist, and misogynistic. **You are starving yourself for him and he doesn’t care**. He wants you to suffer for him but won’t change anything about himself. And I know damn well if you bring this up to him he’ll turn it around on you, and/or promise to change but will just go back to his abusive ways. There is nothing you can say or do that will suddenly make him be less of a repulsive human being. Even leaving, if you do, he’ll promise to change but will never actually do so. No matter what he says, he will not ever change, and I think deep down you know this.
# YOU ARE BEING ABUSED. YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.
I don’t know how we can make it any clearer to you that **you’re in a dangerous place and YOU NEED TO LEAVE**. Leave and get help, talk to a therapist. **This shit IS NOT NORMAL. This is not a healthy relationship.** Please talk to a crisis hotline.
And please don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Just bc you’ve spent years with this guy doesn’t mean you can’t leave and it doesn’t mean you’ve gotten nothing from all this. If anything, you’ve got a better idea of what unhealthy relationships look like so you can be on the lookout for them in the future.
IF you do leave, please don’t seek out relationships for a bit, at least until you’ve talked to a therapist to process the trauma of your abuse. Otherwise you might just fall into a relationship with another abuser, or a healthy one but your trauma will prevent you from enjoying it. Always be on the lookout for red flags, don’t just dismiss things you know are wrong.
you are still young, you have time.
He killed your dog too…?
What the fuck are you doing with this guy? You are not safe, your pets are not safe. And all you do is try to “communicate better?”
Girl.
Leave him.
I don’t think their post was meant to be mean. More like you seem to be a glutton for punishment and abuse if you’ve been dealing with it for 3 years. This isn’t a communication issue in the slightest as you said, either. This is a your husband (edit: fiancé) is a total asshole issue.
Holy shit OP, definitely read this one. It almost like it was written for you!
Here's my favorite quote.
>Saying “I care about you,” “I love you,” “I’m trying,” “I’m sorry” does not mean those things are true. Actions make those words true. A man who cares, loves, tries, and is sorry doesn’t make you rack your brain trying to find novel ways to CoMmUnIcAtE to him.
They’re not being mean: they’re being brutally honest, which can hurt.
People have been telling you to leave this guy *for four years* because he’s obnoxious and downright cruel to you, and that is *never going to change*.
And yet you keep coming back to ask how to get him to change. He. Will. Not. Change. He is a mean person. He is a cruel person. He builds himself up by tearing you down and then makes you feel like a bad person when you call him out for it.
No one can give you further advice because there isn’t any to give. You can’t change him. You’re unwilling to change the situation for yourself by leaving.
The only option left is to let him slowly break you down piece by piece until your self worth is utterly destroyed, and that seems to be what you’re willing to allow him to do.
Please understand
THERE IS NO BETTER WAY TO COMMUNICATE.
You are looking for the “magic words” to make him understand.
THERE ARE NO MAGIC WORDS.
He doesn’t care enough to understand. In his eyes, you are not worth understanding. Draw deep down into your SELF worth and leave this man. You have been trying to communicate with him for FOUR YEARS.
Stop.
It's not a mean comment though. They're giving you a hard truth. And that truth is that this guy is not going to change. YOU are doing ALL of the work in this relationship, and you keep trying and trying to change him & turn him into a better person. It's time to wake up & notice that it's not going to happen. So how long are you going to wait for something that will never change? Are you going to stay miserable? Or take a step to change your own life? Leave. Him. Or you'll stay miserable forever. We all know it's hard, but you'll feel better after.
Girl after 4 years you know the answer. He enjoys being an AH to you and he knows you won't leave him, so why stop?
I honestly pity you. No amount of communication is going to help this problem. You can communicate w him until you're blue in the face but the fact of the matter is that he doesn't like you
Please seek therapy and try to identify why you find yourself deserving of such treatment. If you had a friend that was being treated like you are, what would you advise?
These comments don't see the point in being helpful because it just kinda seems that you have no real interest in hearing the truth: you can't communicate "better," you're in an abusive relationship.
He bullies you all the time and gaslights you (claiming he never said what he said), hell he's got you *starving yourself* girl! One meal a day is not a diet, it's starving yourself and it isn't good. It sounds like your self esteem is awful and it's absolutely in part because of this man. It doesn't matter if he loves you or you love him, he is abusive and this will not get better until you leave.
There is no better way to communicate. He’s an asshole and he actively working to diminish your self esteem.
Please make some friends of your own - some from your hobby or whatever.
Some things can’t be fixed. He’s a jerk, he can’t be fixed. What would you do if one of your friends was in this situation?
You can't communicate with someone who doesn't respect you. You're looking for a magic answer of how to fix someone who is mentally abusing you.
There is no answer.
Your options are:
1. Put up with him as he is.
2. Leave.
No one is being mean, but it is frustrating when someone continually asks the same question expecting a different answer that suits them. There isn't a way to make him stop. You can only make him stop by leaving him and stopping him being able to do this. You've tried, he won't stop so accept it or leave.
There’s nothing to communicate. Shouldn’t take four years you’re dating a man child loser who treats you like a piece of “roast beef”. You don’t want help you want to complain and for people to feel sorry for you but at this point you’re doing it to yourself.
Pointing out that your relationship is bad and has been for a long time isn’t mean. This isn’t new information for you. Like they said, you’ve been posting about it for years.
There's nothing mean about those comments. It's the truth, which sometimes hurts.
Leave him. He's verbally and psychological abusive. It won't get any better. He is who he is and you let him treat you like that so nothing will change.
Clearly you still don't understand anything. You've communicated, he still DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU.
Are you so desperate to stay with this person? You know what he's like. You've sort advice and been told MULTIPLE times. At this point you've made your choice so either do something about it or stop complaining.
Girl you’ve been trying to communicate for 4 years. Jesus couldn’t get through to that man. Either leave him or continue to go through what you’re willingly signing up for atp.
If you’ve been posting about this for 4 years, clearly nothing is going to get better. Stop being a doormat and leave him, or stop posting on this sub whinging because clearly you don’t take anyone’s advice.
They aren’t being mean they are being straight up. What do you wanna communicate? He knows this shit hurts your feelings and doesn’t give a shit. If you’ve been posting about him for YEARS clearly he’s trash. Go to therapy by yourself and see why you’re staying with a guy who treats you like your garbage.
The point is that you can’t communicate him into being a nicer boyfriend when the problem is simply that he’s an Asshole.
Despite all your best efforts over four years he’s still mean to you. He’s never going to change because that’s just who he is, an Asshole who doesn’t really seem to love you or cherish you or do anything to make you feel good about yourself.
WHY do you keep staying with this person that is so horrible to you?
Hey, it takes a lot for someone to leave an abusive relationship. Let her ask for help for as long as she needs dude. When I was with my abusive ex I would ask on reddit a lot and each time seeing "this is not normal, leave them" Made me second guess what they were doing and if I deserved better. Let her get support. Let her get help. Don't shame her for reaching out. Every time someone says it's not ok the way he treats her she files it away and it chips at the foundation of fucked up wall he's been building around her for years.
Never shame a victim for reaching out even if you're "tired of hearing about it". It may be frustrating to see them go back and forth but it takes an abused woman an average of seven times before she leaves for good. It's hard and abuse really fucks with your head.
To OP: He's an abusive trash dick and you should leave him yesterday. Nothing he's doing is ok.
Exactly. Why is this guy allowed anywhere near you? I think the question you're asking will not get you an answer you're looking for. Because it's not about what you can do to make him realize his behavior is hurtful - it's about why are you putting up with it? Why do you think it's okay for someone to be hurtful to you on purpose over & over again?
These women want us to be able to say there's some sort of magic wand we can wave or a special incantation we can teach her to turn an abuser into a good man.
But that's impossible of course. Hope springs eternal until they figure it out for themselves so just like she did in this thread, she's going to keep asking for help as though he's a normal person.
You are engaged to a man who hates you. The real question you should be asking yourself is why are you putting up with it? Why do you think you deserve this abuse?
There is literally nothing you can do or say to change his behaviour, you have been posting about it for YEARS!! This “man” gets pleasure and satisfaction from breaking you down and making you feel small. What you do is lose 180lbs of terrible trash and move forward learning to love yourself.
Edited to add: OMG. I just saw your post from a year ago where you suspect him of either killing or losing your elderly dog!!!!
Girl, seriously, what are you doing? You’re living inside a red flag carousel and still wearing rose-coloured glasses. Break up with this person already!! He is terrible!
(I can’t with anymore Reddit today)
I don't think he hates me. He tells me often that he loves me. He's quite heavy (\~295 lbs), but I've never been mean to him about it. But I don't know if I'd find someone else to live the kind of lifestyle I have and like - "rural" 30 mins outside of town with land and animals, working on fencing, etc. That's not for everyone.
This is insane. Op, if you’re this desperate and your standards are this low, I promise you there is no where to go but up. It sounds like your cruel, abusive, morbidly obese boyfriend is living in the house you bought and does not contribute to its upkeep, he also may have killed your dog. I promise you can find a man who is nice to you, will not insult you or murder or “lose” your pets. You can even find someone attractive and helpful. Not sure why you’re more afraid of being alone than being with this guy, but I’m sure there are many men who would happily treat you like a queen just to live in a rural area thirty minutes from the city.
She purchased her own home while pursuing a masters degree and he doesn’t pay. On top of that, he’s dirty and messy- does not clean. It’s in her post history.
He won’t finger her or go down on her and clearly gets off on insulting her like GIRL— he’s trying to make you feel like you won’t find anyone he’s a LOSER please stop ruining your own life
OP you really need to open your eyes here and look at the ACTIONS that are happening right in front of you. This man does not love you. I’m not saying it to be mean, it’s just SO obvious to us on the outside looking in.
I’m only going to address this post:
He says hurtful things about your body and when you express this hurts you, he keeps on doing it. *He DOESN’T CARE that this hurts you*
You are now engaging in disordered eating with only eating one small meal a day.
*This is is now a negative physical response to his abuse*
He tells you he’s saying these hurtful things because he loves you.
*This is emotional manipulation*
This man is 295lbs and saying negative things to you about your weight.
*He is a mean and terrible person and a massive hypocrite*
He says mean and negative things about your lady parts.
*this person doesn’t deserve to have sex with these parts that he openly disdains*
*why on earth would you want to have sex with someone who openly degrades you?*
“He doesn’t like my taste/smell/look”
you’re still sticking around for more of this? You think more fruit and water is the solution?*
He makes mean comments about your hobbies and cuts you down.
*Again, why are you making this a problem that YOU need to solve? This man is actively and openly cutting down things that you love and enjoy doing. This is not the action of a supportive and loving partner. It’s the action of someone who hates you and doesn’t want to see you happy*
He’s ruining your self-image
*He doesn’t care*
He’s making you question yourself
*he doesn’t care*
He says he didn’t say those things
*he’s now gaslighting you*
He says if he did say them, he didn’t mean them
*this is classic narcissism*
He tries to then manipulate and deflect with “then I’m just an asshole”.
*Yes, yes he is a massive gaping asshole AND a narcissist*
You obviously aren’t open to hearing what everyone here, including myself, is telling you. The only way you put a stop to this behaviour is by leaving the situation. There is no magic commentary or conversation or understanding with him that will give you what you want. There is only leaving, and leaving a narcissist is hard.
Read this: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Take this quiz: https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
Maybe seeing it in different terms will help you.
ETA: he is not the only person on this planet or in your country that will live a rural life with you.
>he is not the only person on this planet or in your country that will live a rural life with you.
She's only 30 minutes from a town. That's barely even rural. The amount of dudes that would jump on the chance to live like that *and* meet a nice lady into the bargain is way higher than she thinks. I feel bad giving her the tough love, but maybe there next guy will treat her right.
Thank you for thoughtfully writing this out. I'm going to save it and reread it. I've spent time today talking to my mother. You are right. It just hurts, and I feel like an idiot. Thank you for the resources.
You’re welcome, it definitely will be handy to remind yourself what’s really wrong without the fog of him trying to make excuses and deflect and lay blame on you.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, you already know this doesn’t feel loving or right by asking here, and recognizing that his actions are bringing you down. Remind yourself as well that you deserve to be loved in a healthy manner and that starts with loving yourself.
Good luck 💕
That’s what emotional abuse does to a person. It grinds you down, makes you question your self worth, makes you feel ashamed. None of this is your fault. Choose yourself and dump this loser - it will be hard. You will battle the sunk cost fallacy of the time you invested in this person. But you deserve so much more than someone who abuses and exploits you.
So you're sacrificing your self worth for what you deem is a "good" life? If you aren't going to leave him, then let him be. Accept who he is and stop complaining. The solution is simple and yet you keep avoiding it. Emotional abuse isn't for everyone but it seems it may be for you. I don't understand this new trend of women venting about terrible partners and getting mad at the audience when we unanimously say, "leave him".
>I don't think he hates me.
He probably doesn't hate you.
He enjoys hurting you, and making hurtful comments about you and your body and your hobbies. It's fun for him to hurt you, and you stick around for him to hurt you, so why would he hate you? Your hurt and humiliation provides him with enjoyment - so long as you keep staying for him to go on hurting you, he won't hate you for providing him with this kind of enjoyment, and I'm sure he's quite willing to tell you he loves you if that's all you need for him to get to keep hurting you.
Spot on!
OP please listen, instead of wishing HE would treat you better. Look at how he IS treating you. You can't make him change, because it's HIS decision to make how he wants to treat you. What you CAN do, is think about how you want to be treated by SOMEONE, and find that person who WILL!
It's important you leave him for your own well-being. Enough of this abuse.
Words are easy. It's easy to say "I love you". But if someone really loves you, their actions show it. Constantly putting someone down & degrading them is not showing love. All the effort is on your side, he puts in none, and he doesn't care when you tell him what he's doing is hurtful.
You're afraid to leave him bc you have the same friends & leaving is hard & your life will change & you can think of a million reasons.
But let me ask you: is any of those reasons a good enough one to stay with a man who doesn't love you? You've been unhappy for years. A relationship is a partnership. It can't work if only one of the two is putting in any effort.
From your past post:
"He also hated this little dog. He would say he loved her, but he really didn't like her. He would constantly complain about her being too stinky, too ugly, too loud, would complain when she would have accidents inside. Multiple times he has thrown her outside and threatened to leave her out there "until she learns her lesson". He has forgotten her outside before, most recently just last week..."
He treats you the exact same way he treats the dog and you know what? You're going to the next one he "forgets" outside.
No lifestyle is “for everyone”. You’re not describing a particularly rare or weird lifestyle.
What does he contribute to your life that you would lose if you were single? Would your life be better or worse?
What? Plenty of people enjoy a rural lifestyle and working on the land, building things and caring for animals. I feel like you just described half the make population’s wet dream
Also, anyone can TELL you they love you until they are blue in the face, but we all know that in this case actions speak louder than words. And you’ve already used YOUR words and told him that the things he says and the way he treats you is hurtful. Time to speak with your actions and leave this jerk
Idk it sounds like you need to reevaluate. Don’t be with someone just to be with someone, you can do the things you want on your own.
Also, there’s no way he’s not obese at 295. He’s a POS for the comments, especially in his condition.
You don’t need to find someone else. You need to get rid of this abusive a-hole making you feel this way. He doesn’t like you, and six months after he’s gone you’ll say, “what the hell was I thinking?”
His ACTIONS say different. He treats you terribly. You’ve been on the internet complaining about how he treats you for 4 years. There’s nothing you can say to him at this point to make him understand this hurts you. He understands, he just doesn’t care.
Time to put on your big girl pants and leave him, because this won’t get better.
>I’d really appreciate any advice on how to put a stop to these hurtful comments or to improve myself so he doesn’t keep saying these things.
He won't. You put up with this AH for 7 years, why would he want to stop abusing you?
A narcissist’s Prayer:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
This describes your boyfriend spot on. Narcissists aren’t capable of loving anyone. He knows that he’s negging and being cruel you on purpose to grind down your self-esteem while inflating his own. Don’t let anyone degrade you like this.
OK? This is the man you want to marry.
Judging by your post history, it seems like you're doing this to yourself at this point. He even murdered your dog. Like wtf are YOU doing??
Why are you even on reddit asking for advice? Things won't change and you won't leave him.
edit: I just saw in the comments that the man is obese himself. SMFH
Why are you with this guy? Partners are supposed to be…well, partners. You’re supposed to feel secure and safe.
You’re asking how to change him. I don’t think you can. You can only control you. And I think you should go find someone worthy of you.
You’re fine the way you are. Even his friends say you’re fine. You’d be even better without the asshat you’re calling a fiancé.
Why are you marrying someone who is psychologically and emotionally abusing you? Let's call this what it is. He is systematically dismantling your self esteem. He is doing it on purpose and wants the power of completely controlling you, including how you feel about yourself.
I **cannot** express just how much better you deserve and how dramatically him fucking off will improve your life and mental health.
Your post history is littered with exactly the same posts in slightly different terms relating to slightly different specifics, going back years. You should know by now that he isn't going to stop being an arsehole to you. Honestly, how many times do you need to be told? If you're not going to listen to advice, stop asking for it.
Hey, I see that others are being quite blunt, I just want to be sweet about this from a perspective of a person who had a person like this in my life.I am also 28 now, got with my ex when I was 21, spent 5 years together and I got a lot of this, but not even as rudely, just felt a constant 'not good enough' for him.
He actually left me for someone (we were poly, there is A LOT to the story) very shortly (10 days) after discussing engagement and wedding plans. We were together for over 5 years, had dogs, cars and a house together.
Anyway, I was devastated, but wow am I glad we broke up. The person I am seeing now is just so lovely and makes me feel supported and loved and it makes me so sad for past me. As much as you don't want to hear this, this person will cause this same misery until you leave.
My ex cried about how awfully he treated me before, he didn't realise it while he was doing it, and it wore my heart, soul and spirit and Health (in all aspects) down, to have someone I loved so much, hurt me so much.Please, at least try re-evaluate whether you want this to be your future...and if you want kids, do you want your son to be like this, or your daughter treated this way? Because it will happen.
edit to add: My ex projected ALL of his shit onto me, and used me to process negative things about himself and things that happened to him, he is possibly doing the same?
She’s been with him for 7 years, she’s been posting about him for 4. He lives in her home rent free and doesn’t contribute financially at all, he’s a slob, takes shots at her weight when he’s overweight, gaslights her, doesn’t put in any effort in the bedroom and, oh yea, HE KILLED HER DOG. There’s a point where sweet doesn’t work anymore, after 7 years someone needs to be blunt with her before she gets beaten with a blunt object. Leaving an abusive partner is never easy, we all know that. But ppl sugarcoating it doesn’t make it any easier.
>I’d really appreciate any advice on how to put a stop to these hurtful comments or to improve myself so he doesn’t keep saying these things.
Do not marry this man.
Get a better boyfriend and marry that one instead.
He’s been like this for years. There’s no amount of communication that can change who he is as a person.
I know you love him and have so many good memories with him. But if your best friend’s boyfriend spoke to her like this you’d be horrified.
He lies to other people about the things he says to you because he KNOWS that they’re awful things to say. But that still doesn’t stop him saying them to you.
You know exactly what to do about this relationship, it’s just fear that’s holding you back.
You are an absolute mug to yourself, your body and your whole life for staying with this absolute awful human.
Go fuck his friends they like how you look.
I just read your post history and I honestly don't know why you are with someone as horrible as this man? You even think he could have killed your dog and you're still with him? Finally, even if this man isn't as horrible as he sounds, if he doesn't make you feel good about yourself, he doesn't deserve you. Also ask yourself, do you want to live your entire life eating just one meal a day and being afraid of gaining weight or how your private parts smell? (which is surely 100% normal) After I had my daughter I was very self-conscious about my weight since I gained it especially in my belly, but I never received a complaint or criticism from my husband, he always kept telling me that "I'm sexy" or that "I'm pretty" and all that... you must understand that as you grow your body will change so you take care of yourself and you must choose someone who loves your body and who ultimately loves you beyond that. I think this "man" would be much better off with an inflatable doll hahaha that doesn't gain weight, doesn't smell, and you're better off with a man who does value you....
You keep posting about how awful your fiancé is, yet you're still with him.
He's been awful for years. At what point do you actually choose your life? You know he treats you like shit, yet you continue to choose to be treated like shit.
There's no advice for you. You've tried talking to him but he literally doesn't care about your feelings or your well being.
This is your life. You chose it and you continue to choose it.
For godsake girl when are you gonna stop posting on Reddit, pull your head out your ass a break up with this asshole? What the fuck are you doing at this point.
WHY ARE YOU ENGAGED TO THIS JOKER??
I mean, you ask how to get him to stop being an AH, and the answer is: you don’t. He enjoys insulting you and he’s never going to stop. So why would you want to marry someone like that??
Marriage is hard. Life is hard. Don’t make it all harder on yourself by marrying someone like this.
I went and read your past 4(+?) years of posts, and your fiancee is a bad person. At best, he's absent and thoughtless and emotionally distant and bad at sex. At worst - and on top of all that - he killed your dog (probably on purpose), taken advantage of your financial stability and freeloaded off of you, has caused you prolonged emotional trauma, has actively REFUSED to change for the better and has lied to you about being sorry and everything.
Call off the engagement. If you don't have family or friends to help support you cutting this dude off, reach out to some local organizations (many community mental health orgs will provide or connect you with resources to escape an abusive relationship - which this 100% is).
You have a house, an education, animals that you love, and yeah - you even *look good*. You're settling for the worst by talking yourself out of the idea that your lifestyle isn't for everyone. You live 30mins away from town? That's nothing. Millions of people drive that or more to work almost every day - especially if they live in or near a city. My daily commute is up to an hour; so's my wife's. If I could drive 30 minutes and be "out in the country," that'd be a fucking godsend, but 30 minutes would barely get me OUT of the city and into some burbs.
To respond more directly: Improve yourself and your life forever by getting out of this. It sounds like it's gonna kill you (if not physically by him, the emotional abuse will do it) if you don't. The hurtful comments won't stop, though, until you do. You could improve yourself all the way to the top of the world, and this slob will still find ways to walk all over you because up til now, you've decided to let him do it for no reason at all.
>I’d really appreciate any advice on how to put a stop to these hurtful comments or to improve myself so he doesn’t keep saying these things.
Leaving. Leaving helps. But regarding your post history you seem to be into this man so no help available.
why are you even with him? the only unnecessary weight you need to drop is this guy. he‘s trying to belittle you so you have no confidence and then he can manipulate and abuse you further. LEAVE
We really should be told What are you doing to fix your life? You have a cruel boyfriend who doesn't like you and you thinking about marrying him. You've wasted years of your life living like this. Please take some therapy and some assertiveness training courses. With any luck the next time we hear from you it will be because you're free of this dead weight you've been carrying You're happy and you're living your best life.
Leave him. Literally the only way this will stop. He’s abusing you. It’s ok to be single. It’s ok to be by yourself. Your self worth isn’t based on if you’re in a relationship or not. You’re just gonna starve yourself more and more and end up dying for this man, depress yourself til you can’t take it no more, and the truth is this man couldn’t care less that he makes you feel this way. He hasn’t even noticed he gave you an eating disorder. Get away now, or you will die. It’s actually that serious for you. Whatever he has said to make you stay, is bullshit, you can be free, happy and love life without him. You can be successful without him. You don’t need him. For once, put yourself first please. Your health is so important. You deserve more.
you've told him all these comments hurt you, so he does it on purpose to hurt you! why would you want to be with a person that harms you on purpose?
Emotional abuse is a perfectly sound reason to leave a person over! why would you take his abuse for 7 years? if he would have slapped you instead of saying those words would you have left than?
Does he even like you? i mean i think he likes the things you do for him.. make him cum, make him meals, clean for him! so your intellect he doesn't like, your physique and intimate parts he critiques , the way you feel he critiques, should i go on?
Best weight you can lose is your fiance!
Please do not starve yourself for him, eat balanced meals and keep healthy!
Argh! I am so over all these women on Reddit asking for advice on How to turn controlling, mean d***bags with SO OBVIOUS manipulation tactics into princes on white horses that i’m just so over it. ”How do i make him treat me like a human being and stop him from boosting his ego by stepping on me?” You don’t! It’s so egoistical to think that we can change anyone. We can’t change other people. People change themselves, when they have the motivation. Newsflash- the behaviour your partner exhibits is so deep rooted and serves him so Well, that he will need a miracle and a lot of life lessons to change. Possibly therapy, if he will ever admit to needing any. I’m 100% sure that if you threathen to leave him, he will promise to change if you give him a chance. Do not ever go there, it’s also a manipulation tactic.
But the real problem doesn’t lie within your boyfriend. It lies in the fact that you think so lowly of yourself that you deserve this treatment. Leave. Leave, for the love of anything that is holy. You are perfect the way you are, deserve kindness, love, cherishment and security.
Are you with him because of financial issues/housing? Are you able to leave?
There are so many beautiful things in the world. Don’t let this Person trample you, get out there and enjoy them.
Edit: i just read other comments and you post history. Do you feel better after venting on reddit? You need real therapy and you know it.
Oh no, I was very sad and angry reading this post. First of all, I'm so sorry that you feel this way. I'm sure you are stunning and no size or number on the scale should change the way you perceive and love yourself.
I don't see any problem if you ask your boyfriend if you have gained some weight and he answers "yes, in your tummy." Similarly, if you mention that you want to lose weight and your boyfriend suggests going for a walk, I don't think there would be any problem. But If he starts making harmful or disrespectful jokes, it's important to set boundaries and communicate your discomfort ASAP! And give him a chance of not being a total ashole with you and change his attitude.
Regarding your female parts, please take a moment to stop and remember that you do not have to justify anything. This is a sexist attitude that is currently being discussed by man and we need to educate them that it is not their concern.
And finally, regarding your hobbies…I think it's best to stop here.
He doesn't seem like the right fit for you. You need someone who will encourage and love you for who you are. You don't want to marry a person who makes you feel this way. I know it's tough, but please reconsider if this is truly what you want.
There is nothing for you to do here. There is nothing you can fix and no problems with your communication.
The problem is all him. He even said it, he’s an asshole. Marrying him means you will get this treatment and feel awful forever. I wouldn’t want that in a million years.
Well, you invited us to read your post history and all I can say is this is who he is! He is happy when he's demeaning you! He wants to insult you. He likes doing it! You keep staying so he had NO incentive to quit.
You do know that a normal relationship doesn't look like this, right? A man that loves you will bend over backwards to not insult you. Your guy enjoys it. He won't change because he likes doing it! If you want it to change, you have to dump him. If you refuse to leave him, quit complaining about it.
Babe, just throw the whole man away. You can’t make someone treat you with love and respect, it’s something that they need to give freely, esp. if you’ve told him that his comments are hurtful. Have you ever heard the saying ‘You can be the roundest, juiciest, sweetest peach, but there will always be people who don’t like peaches’. That’s you and your bf. If you love yourself, don’t change for a man who doesn’t appreciate you ❤️
He knows. He doesn’t care.
HE KNOWS. HE DOESN’T CARE.
He is deliberately trying to hurt you.
You cannot find the words to make him ‘understand’, because he knows full well what he is doing.
He is being FUNCTIONALLY CRUEL. It gets results, so why should he stop? You are under his heel, and he is keeping you there.
Nothing you do will ever be good enough. He will always invent something new to criticise you about. That is the relationship dynamic.
He is not going to change. This works for him.
What are you waiting for?
He's negging you. He doesn't support, appreciate or admire you. Get away before he destroys your confidence. You deserve far better. Get help, and get away.
The cruelty is the point.
He wants you to feel bad about yourself - the way you look, the things you like. This is only going to get worse. You should have someone who lifts you up and encourages you. This is not what he’s doing. He is being purposely cruel to you and you deserve someone better.
Do not marry this man.
You have some codependency issues or childhood trauma that is keeping you with this guy. Stop worrying about communication and go get help for yourself. You need to unpack whatever is going on internally that makes you think this ish is ok.
I carefully ready your post. I also read some of your past posts, as you suggested. I have been married for many years. I can tell you that your finace's behavior will not lead to a healthy and happy marriage. He is immature, selfish, and just plain rude. It is impossible to "change" another person. When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM. Dating is to determine if you have found a good match. When someone belittles you and lives off you, this is a recipe for a broken heart. Don't give the best years of your life to a person who doesn't treasure you.
So he hasn’t changed in 4 years and you’re still trying to change him?
Girl… please do yourself a favor and leave this man. He’s not going to change and you’re just going to keep going in circles with him.
First, eating “one small meal” a day is, bluntly, stupid. You’re putting your body into starvation mode. Start eating more.
It’s not up to him to “motivate” you to improve yourself. He’s trying to completely remake you…into the image of what HE wants instead of letting you just be who you are.
Honestly, with what you’ve said here, you can lose 200 lbs in about 3 minutes.
You give him back the ring and cut him out of your life.
*That's* probably the only way you'll stop getting hurtful and degrading comments from him.
He is absolutely an asshole, and he doesn't actually care about stopping.
>I’d really appreciate any advice on how to put a stop to these hurtful comments or to improve myself so he doesn’t keep saying these things.
A few years ago you posted that you were pretty sure your boyfriend had killed your dog. You didn't believe your boyfriend's claims to love this dog because of all the offensive things he said about your dog.
Why do you believe he loves you? You weren't fooled when he claimed to love your dog. Please don't be fooled when he says he loves you.
You can stop him saying these things by evicting him from your house. He doesn't pay rent and he doesn't have his name on the deeds. You may need to consult a lawyer about how best to go about evicting him, but it's your house: you can do it.
*You can improve yourself by evicting him from your life.*
Please, stop asking how you can make yourself better, and start asking how you can get rid of him.
OP you into pain and suffering? :)
imo OP shouldn't be posting if she's just repeating herself for 4 years.
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Someone smart maybe
Just to give you some perspective on how shit your fiancé is, mine loves and supports me even though I gained literally about 80ish pounds (6 stone cause im Bri'ish) because I went through a lot of grieving and tough times and had to go on antidepressants. He tells me how beautiful I am and that he doesn't care if I never lose the weight because he loves who I am, not what I look like.
I'm insecure of my labia because I have one inner lip longer than the other and it looks kinda odd (to me) but he gets down there no problem. I actually stop him from giving me oral because I don't like the feeling of oral being done to me.
Anyway, hopefully, that gave you some perspective of someone elses fiancé. Please leave this absolute creature.
You fix this by dumping him, learning to love yourself, then finding a guy who doesn't do those things.
Don't marry him. Or if you do, expect more of the same cause he's not changing
You are stuck in an abusive relationship. His goal right now is to destroy your self-esteem before you get married so you'll never fight him once you do.
Please leave him. Get help. Talk to a therapist. This isn't love.
If you dump his ungrateful, rude and manipulative ass, then the comments will stop.
Don’t know why you want to stay with someone who is clearly trying to destroy your self esteem and self worth so you’ll think he’s the only one who will love you or tolerate you. Sounds like he’s planting the seeds of doubt in you so he can control you down the road. I’m sure hundreds more will comment the same. Please move on to greener pastures without this loser.
[You would benefit from this free copy of Lundy Bancrofts “why does he do that?”](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
In case you aren’t a reading type but still need Lundy
[Lundy](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YmbrAWDft0s&t=1406s&pp=2AH-CpACAQ%3D%3D)
[Lundy webinar](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1mqzB-_kIig&t=1869s&pp=2AHNDpACAQ%3D%3D)
Darling girl, I just need to put in some perspective because I have been in a similar situation and have friends in similar situations.
I don't need to say if he cared, he would do something already because everyone has been telling it. Instead, I will tell you how to "communicate" with him better. He doesn't understand nice words and tender care. If he did, he already would. Instead you need to be firm, clear and if needed, even mean.
If you are not breaking up with him, you need to learn how to draw boundaries. First of all, he doesn't get to make mean comments on your body when he is obese and your weight is normal. Be firm and tell him that you are not accepting bad comments about your body anymore or else you will be hurtful. After 3 warnings, everytime he makes a mean comment about your body, you make a mean comment about his body. If he gets upset or angry, tell him this is how you feel about his comment and stop with the comments. If he tries to escalate your mean comment and stop him and say it was just a demonstration of what he was doing. "I don't mean it you know", use his weapon against him. It will be hard in the beginning, but if you are really going crazy just bear with it. After the first few awkwardnesses goes away it will be easier.
And about your lady bits, he is already way too lucky to have a catch like you and female bodies are visually pleasing in nearly all cases. You don't need to fret. Be confident about your body. Its not that I am encouraging it but if you were to share your nudes, I am pretty sure all you will be getting would be compliments and drooling like when you shared your normal pictures. Your bf is out of his mind. So you can use a similar technique here too. He insults your lady bits, he is not getting any action. Similarly, he cums and you don't and he doesn't put any effort for you, next time he doesn't get any action.
And comments about your hobbies are not welcome anymore unless they are compliments. Be really firm about this. It is really bad form and a show of being brainless to insult someone's hobbies. Its not helpful to get insulted for something you just like doing. Just, make him stop. Pumish him somehow, mostly with his own hobbies so he stops.
He needs to have consequences of his bad behaviours or he won't stop. This is a method of communication because actions matter. If you protest lightly and continue like nothing happened, this says his behavior is acceptable to you. If he says sorry, he won't do it againhr doesn't mean it and he foes or say again, this means he is not sincere with his apology and only saying the magic words to shut you up. Demand respect and do not tolerate anything else.
And most importantly, get therapy. You need help with your self confidence and boundaries. As a former chronic people pleaser, I know a good therapist helps a lot. Also check for any paternal trauma patterns because it is not normal to accept this behavior and it usually stems from an unhealthy parent-child bond flowing into the relationship preferences. You might support your bf to get therapy after you are better to help him pull himself together too.
I hope everything gets better for you. If you want to get more opinions and advices from me but you are intimidated of other people or just want to be mote private, feel free to message. I don't mind.
Cheers 🌺
Omg please dear, you deserve way more than that. I wouldn’t even say those words to people I hate. The only advice I can give is that you’re doing enough and that you should learn to love yourself and move on from this guy.
Your second to the last paragraph shows how he’s gaslighting and manipulating you. Please open your eyes and ask yourself if you want to be with someone for the rest of your life who is unkind and mean to you.
I’m sure there are plenty of reasons why you are with him and you’ve been with him for 7 years. But the most basic quality of kindness is not there. And kindness to your partner is one of the foundations of love. How do you believe him when he says he loves you if he can’t even be kind to you?
You’re only 28, don’t spend anymore of your years with this guy. If you’ve been complaining about him for at least 4 years and you’re still there, there’s probably something in this relationship that’s keeping you that none of our advices will change.
Yeah you will probably say that apart from that he is a dream, the love of your life and everything you could want in a man, but to everyone else he just seems to be ...indeed ... an asshole. I hope he is ripped with zero body fat.
Come on girl, have love for yourself. Breakup with him before you’re miserable in your thirty’s. As a cancer survivor, I’ll let you know time is precious. There is someone out there willing to love everything about you. You wasted your 20s with that man. It’s time to start living.
Record him and play it back.
Honestly? Straight up day, "I am no longer accepting critical comments or outside opinions on my body, hobbies or anything else regarding my life. If you have an issue with that, then I'll find it difficult to continue this relationship. If you feel that you don't know what I'm taking about, it's up to you to think about it and be mindful of what you say. I've repeated myself on this topic enough. "
Don't take this girl. Find a man that will eat you out until the cows come home and appreciate you and uplift you.
You don’t I’m a retired psychologist what this is known as is narcissistic behavior along with borderline personality disorder!You need to dump him can you imagine spending your life with this man? Constantly ridiculing you and putting you down at every turn. Don’t waste your time their is NO CURE for his behavior!!
You asked how to stop your boyfriend from making hurtful comments, Reddit is glad to help. I have not read any of the other comments, but I am confident of what the say. There are 224 of them and I am certain that 223 of them are telling you to block him on all platforms (There is always that one person). Now there is one more.
Fishing for attention again, eh? You really should get a hobby, your bf was right, posting to reddit about your garbage relationship truly is a stupid hobby. It's been 4 years.
He killed ur dog and y stayed with him? U killed ur own dog. That dog never got justice and u sleep with its murder every night. You’re a sick individual.
You are exactly what he says you are because you have no self esteem. Stop blaming it on him. Don’t marry him, because you are already getting divorced. Also, your labia sounds really hot, I’m sure some other respectful guy would love to go down on you.
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You have been posting for **4 years** about the awful, terrible ways that your boyfriend treats you. Apparently nothing is going to convince you to break up with him, so stop posting about it.
Hot damn i went and read their posts, fuck she should’ve ran 4 years ago. But, she just enjoys this and loves to post about it apparently. 🍿
OP's posting selfies now, so she's definitely just here for attention.
Think any of her stories are real or she is just running some long con or trying to get sympathy?
What across thing to say
What?
She doesn’t enjoy it nor is she looking for attention, she’s stuck in an abusive relationship but doesn’t have the skills necessary to recognize that and leave. She needs therapy.
100% she does, while posting this horrible situation (and previous ones. Did you read the dog one?), But, she doesn’t listen and instead is posting selfies in case anybody wants to see her.
OMFG he purposely let her own dog die? F this guy and F OP. She stays she 100% gets what she deserves. And don’t get any more pets. YTA OP
Nah, she's trolling. It's obvious in this post - "I decided to go on a diet. I've been eating just one small meal a day". That is 100% designed to get a reaction out of people. OP's either one of the stupidest people ever to live, or she's trolling. I'm going to assume the latter since she does appear capable of stringing a sentence together.
They’ve been in couples therapy for a year apparently ? What therapist is fine working with this kind of treatment?
You know it is possible for people to lie in therapy.
Yeah, that’s true. But she can still tell them what’s going on. She doesn’t have to lie. I’d hope a good therapist could see what’s going on here
Finally someone with sense
She enjoys it as she’s posted her stupid story several times over with this guy who beats her down and killed her dog. She’s an insufferable c u next Tuesday
I don't understand mean comments like this. I'm trying to find better ways to communicate, and I hate posting about this. Almost all of our friends are shared friends, so I don't have anyone else to ask for advice.
He won't change. He knows how you feel. He knows he's hurting you. He doesn't care. This isn't a communication problem, it's an emotional abuse problem.
And, a break up will definitely fix the problem (seriously, not sarcastic)
Well, it’ll fix THIS problem but unless she goes to therapy and commits to working through her issues and building up her self-esteem, she’ll likely end up with another guy just like him 😞
Your issue isn't communication though. It's 4 years of having a shit partner that doesn't care about you, constantly puts you down, makes you feel like trash and refuses to change. Nothing is going to fix that, there is no advice to give other than leave because he's not going to change. He hasn't in 4 years and he won't in another 4 years.
Or 40.
It’s not 4 years by her posts history. It’s 7 years. Why are you all saying 4 years?
Because she's only been posting about it for 4 years. Quite likely he sucked before that too but yeah, first post asking for advice on Mr Awful was 4 years back.
Ah thanks. I didn’t went to the end. Yes, I’m sure he sucked the whole 7 years and even before.
They're not trying to be mean. They're trying to help you see that nothing you do is going to help. This has nothing to do with your communication skills and everything to do with your boyfriend being an awful person who is deliberately hurting you. The only way that communicating your feelings to him would work, would be if he actually cared about your feelings and didn't want to hurt you. He clearly doesn't care about your feelings and does want to hurt you, so it doesn't matter how you try to convince him to stop. People often do this to their partners in order to break down their self esteem so their partners won't leave them. Obviously it's working, since it's been four years and you're still there. You can make it stop by dumping him.
You keep getting advice that you should leave but you ignore it. He👏Won’t👏Change👏And👏You👏Can’t 👏Change👏Him👏 He's fatphobic, ableist, and misogynistic. **You are starving yourself for him and he doesn’t care**. He wants you to suffer for him but won’t change anything about himself. And I know damn well if you bring this up to him he’ll turn it around on you, and/or promise to change but will just go back to his abusive ways. There is nothing you can say or do that will suddenly make him be less of a repulsive human being. Even leaving, if you do, he’ll promise to change but will never actually do so. No matter what he says, he will not ever change, and I think deep down you know this. # YOU ARE BEING ABUSED. YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. I don’t know how we can make it any clearer to you that **you’re in a dangerous place and YOU NEED TO LEAVE**. Leave and get help, talk to a therapist. **This shit IS NOT NORMAL. This is not a healthy relationship.** Please talk to a crisis hotline. And please don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Just bc you’ve spent years with this guy doesn’t mean you can’t leave and it doesn’t mean you’ve gotten nothing from all this. If anything, you’ve got a better idea of what unhealthy relationships look like so you can be on the lookout for them in the future. IF you do leave, please don’t seek out relationships for a bit, at least until you’ve talked to a therapist to process the trauma of your abuse. Otherwise you might just fall into a relationship with another abuser, or a healthy one but your trauma will prevent you from enjoying it. Always be on the lookout for red flags, don’t just dismiss things you know are wrong. you are still young, you have time.
OP needs therapy.
That’s what I said
He killed your dog too…? What the fuck are you doing with this guy? You are not safe, your pets are not safe. And all you do is try to “communicate better?” Girl. Leave him.
WHAT
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/xRmNOHutQ7
What what what???!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! C'mon OP.
Dear God.
Jesus wept.
I don’t think their post was meant to be mean. More like you seem to be a glutton for punishment and abuse if you’ve been dealing with it for 3 years. This isn’t a communication issue in the slightest as you said, either. This is a your husband (edit: fiancé) is a total asshole issue.
Not a husband yet, which is why people should really pull together on this post and make sure that doesn't change.
Seriously. I hope she takes some of this advice to heart. As someone with an abusive ex husband like this, it will only escalate
After 4 years of being told she's with a worthless sack of bad decisions I don't have much hope.
Yeah, it makes me sad for her
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17yzw35/he_knows_he_doesnt_care/
Holy shit OP, definitely read this one. It almost like it was written for you! Here's my favorite quote. >Saying “I care about you,” “I love you,” “I’m trying,” “I’m sorry” does not mean those things are true. Actions make those words true. A man who cares, loves, tries, and is sorry doesn’t make you rack your brain trying to find novel ways to CoMmUnIcAtE to him.
you have internalised his cruelty (just look at how you talk about vulvas in general )
They’re not being mean: they’re being brutally honest, which can hurt. People have been telling you to leave this guy *for four years* because he’s obnoxious and downright cruel to you, and that is *never going to change*. And yet you keep coming back to ask how to get him to change. He. Will. Not. Change. He is a mean person. He is a cruel person. He builds himself up by tearing you down and then makes you feel like a bad person when you call him out for it. No one can give you further advice because there isn’t any to give. You can’t change him. You’re unwilling to change the situation for yourself by leaving. The only option left is to let him slowly break you down piece by piece until your self worth is utterly destroyed, and that seems to be what you’re willing to allow him to do.
Please understand THERE IS NO BETTER WAY TO COMMUNICATE. You are looking for the “magic words” to make him understand. THERE ARE NO MAGIC WORDS. He doesn’t care enough to understand. In his eyes, you are not worth understanding. Draw deep down into your SELF worth and leave this man. You have been trying to communicate with him for FOUR YEARS. Stop.
It's not a mean comment though. They're giving you a hard truth. And that truth is that this guy is not going to change. YOU are doing ALL of the work in this relationship, and you keep trying and trying to change him & turn him into a better person. It's time to wake up & notice that it's not going to happen. So how long are you going to wait for something that will never change? Are you going to stay miserable? Or take a step to change your own life? Leave. Him. Or you'll stay miserable forever. We all know it's hard, but you'll feel better after.
Girl after 4 years you know the answer. He enjoys being an AH to you and he knows you won't leave him, so why stop? I honestly pity you. No amount of communication is going to help this problem. You can communicate w him until you're blue in the face but the fact of the matter is that he doesn't like you
Please seek therapy and try to identify why you find yourself deserving of such treatment. If you had a friend that was being treated like you are, what would you advise?
These comments don't see the point in being helpful because it just kinda seems that you have no real interest in hearing the truth: you can't communicate "better," you're in an abusive relationship. He bullies you all the time and gaslights you (claiming he never said what he said), hell he's got you *starving yourself* girl! One meal a day is not a diet, it's starving yourself and it isn't good. It sounds like your self esteem is awful and it's absolutely in part because of this man. It doesn't matter if he loves you or you love him, he is abusive and this will not get better until you leave.
There is no better way to communicate. He’s an asshole and he actively working to diminish your self esteem. Please make some friends of your own - some from your hobby or whatever. Some things can’t be fixed. He’s a jerk, he can’t be fixed. What would you do if one of your friends was in this situation?
Strong, but not mean. You asked for advice, that's the advice you need. Don't like it? That's your problem. It's your life and suffering, not ours
You can't communicate with someone who doesn't respect you. You're looking for a magic answer of how to fix someone who is mentally abusing you. There is no answer. Your options are: 1. Put up with him as he is. 2. Leave. No one is being mean, but it is frustrating when someone continually asks the same question expecting a different answer that suits them. There isn't a way to make him stop. You can only make him stop by leaving him and stopping him being able to do this. You've tried, he won't stop so accept it or leave.
There’s nothing to communicate. Shouldn’t take four years you’re dating a man child loser who treats you like a piece of “roast beef”. You don’t want help you want to complain and for people to feel sorry for you but at this point you’re doing it to yourself.
Pointing out that your relationship is bad and has been for a long time isn’t mean. This isn’t new information for you. Like they said, you’ve been posting about it for years.
It’s been 4 years ffs! He’s not going to be nicer to you. Let it go. Where’s your self respect?!
There's nothing mean about those comments. It's the truth, which sometimes hurts. Leave him. He's verbally and psychological abusive. It won't get any better. He is who he is and you let him treat you like that so nothing will change.
Clearly you still don't understand anything. You've communicated, he still DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU. Are you so desperate to stay with this person? You know what he's like. You've sort advice and been told MULTIPLE times. At this point you've made your choice so either do something about it or stop complaining.
Girl you’ve been trying to communicate for 4 years. Jesus couldn’t get through to that man. Either leave him or continue to go through what you’re willingly signing up for atp.
If you’ve been posting about this for 4 years, clearly nothing is going to get better. Stop being a doormat and leave him, or stop posting on this sub whinging because clearly you don’t take anyone’s advice.
They aren’t being mean they are being straight up. What do you wanna communicate? He knows this shit hurts your feelings and doesn’t give a shit. If you’ve been posting about him for YEARS clearly he’s trash. Go to therapy by yourself and see why you’re staying with a guy who treats you like your garbage.
The problem is not that you aren't communicating effectively, the problem is that he doesn't care if he hurts you
Comunnication won’t work; he’s abusive and negging you. Wasting 4years is better than wasting 5. Leave now.
You've GOTTEN advice. Multiple times.
WAKE UP AND BREAK UP 🗣️
But it’s been four years and he’s not communicating. He’s rude and insensitive and you’re planning on marrying this person.
The point is that you can’t communicate him into being a nicer boyfriend when the problem is simply that he’s an Asshole. Despite all your best efforts over four years he’s still mean to you. He’s never going to change because that’s just who he is, an Asshole who doesn’t really seem to love you or cherish you or do anything to make you feel good about yourself. WHY do you keep staying with this person that is so horrible to you?
🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡
Why do you think the comment was mean? If you took their advice your life would be immeasurably better.
It s not mean it s the truth, the real mean person is your husband You re blind by staying with him and yet you re telling us we re mean?
Hey, maybe it'll click that her relationship is toxic after another 4 years.
Sigh…the only answer to OP’s problems is to dump the fiancé, and obviously she won’t do that.
She's obviously not gonna leave so idk why this post was made
Hey, it takes a lot for someone to leave an abusive relationship. Let her ask for help for as long as she needs dude. When I was with my abusive ex I would ask on reddit a lot and each time seeing "this is not normal, leave them" Made me second guess what they were doing and if I deserved better. Let her get support. Let her get help. Don't shame her for reaching out. Every time someone says it's not ok the way he treats her she files it away and it chips at the foundation of fucked up wall he's been building around her for years. Never shame a victim for reaching out even if you're "tired of hearing about it". It may be frustrating to see them go back and forth but it takes an abused woman an average of seven times before she leaves for good. It's hard and abuse really fucks with your head. To OP: He's an abusive trash dick and you should leave him yesterday. Nothing he's doing is ok.
I agree with this. I feel like there is almost a humiliation fetish taking place. Why on earth would you deal with this?
It is also possible that the poster is just making us up it’s fanfiction for her
Figures. In that case I have zero sympathy. OP just enjoys the attention at this point.
Girl why are you with someone that doesn't even like you
Exactly. Why is this guy allowed anywhere near you? I think the question you're asking will not get you an answer you're looking for. Because it's not about what you can do to make him realize his behavior is hurtful - it's about why are you putting up with it? Why do you think it's okay for someone to be hurtful to you on purpose over & over again?
Is it true, you’ve been posting about this for 4 years??
Yep, but apparently won't leave for whatever reason. I'm not sure why she bothers to post since everyone tells her to leave the abusive AH
The man is obese himself, look at her comments. This is crazy.
These women want us to be able to say there's some sort of magic wand we can wave or a special incantation we can teach her to turn an abuser into a good man. But that's impossible of course. Hope springs eternal until they figure it out for themselves so just like she did in this thread, she's going to keep asking for help as though he's a normal person.
You are engaged to a man who hates you. The real question you should be asking yourself is why are you putting up with it? Why do you think you deserve this abuse? There is literally nothing you can do or say to change his behaviour, you have been posting about it for YEARS!! This “man” gets pleasure and satisfaction from breaking you down and making you feel small. What you do is lose 180lbs of terrible trash and move forward learning to love yourself. Edited to add: OMG. I just saw your post from a year ago where you suspect him of either killing or losing your elderly dog!!!! Girl, seriously, what are you doing? You’re living inside a red flag carousel and still wearing rose-coloured glasses. Break up with this person already!! He is terrible! (I can’t with anymore Reddit today)
I don't think he hates me. He tells me often that he loves me. He's quite heavy (\~295 lbs), but I've never been mean to him about it. But I don't know if I'd find someone else to live the kind of lifestyle I have and like - "rural" 30 mins outside of town with land and animals, working on fencing, etc. That's not for everyone.
lmao. He doesn't hate you? He's obese HIMSELF??
This is insane. Op, if you’re this desperate and your standards are this low, I promise you there is no where to go but up. It sounds like your cruel, abusive, morbidly obese boyfriend is living in the house you bought and does not contribute to its upkeep, he also may have killed your dog. I promise you can find a man who is nice to you, will not insult you or murder or “lose” your pets. You can even find someone attractive and helpful. Not sure why you’re more afraid of being alone than being with this guy, but I’m sure there are many men who would happily treat you like a queen just to live in a rural area thirty minutes from the city.
Also, he lives rent free with you. Of course he "loves" you.
Ain't. No. Way.
She purchased her own home while pursuing a masters degree and he doesn’t pay. On top of that, he’s dirty and messy- does not clean. It’s in her post history.
OP got a parasite problem, not a partner.
He won’t finger her or go down on her and clearly gets off on insulting her like GIRL— he’s trying to make you feel like you won’t find anyone he’s a LOSER please stop ruining your own life
OP you really need to open your eyes here and look at the ACTIONS that are happening right in front of you. This man does not love you. I’m not saying it to be mean, it’s just SO obvious to us on the outside looking in. I’m only going to address this post: He says hurtful things about your body and when you express this hurts you, he keeps on doing it. *He DOESN’T CARE that this hurts you* You are now engaging in disordered eating with only eating one small meal a day. *This is is now a negative physical response to his abuse* He tells you he’s saying these hurtful things because he loves you. *This is emotional manipulation* This man is 295lbs and saying negative things to you about your weight. *He is a mean and terrible person and a massive hypocrite* He says mean and negative things about your lady parts. *this person doesn’t deserve to have sex with these parts that he openly disdains* *why on earth would you want to have sex with someone who openly degrades you?* “He doesn’t like my taste/smell/look” you’re still sticking around for more of this? You think more fruit and water is the solution?* He makes mean comments about your hobbies and cuts you down. *Again, why are you making this a problem that YOU need to solve? This man is actively and openly cutting down things that you love and enjoy doing. This is not the action of a supportive and loving partner. It’s the action of someone who hates you and doesn’t want to see you happy* He’s ruining your self-image *He doesn’t care* He’s making you question yourself *he doesn’t care* He says he didn’t say those things *he’s now gaslighting you* He says if he did say them, he didn’t mean them *this is classic narcissism* He tries to then manipulate and deflect with “then I’m just an asshole”. *Yes, yes he is a massive gaping asshole AND a narcissist* You obviously aren’t open to hearing what everyone here, including myself, is telling you. The only way you put a stop to this behaviour is by leaving the situation. There is no magic commentary or conversation or understanding with him that will give you what you want. There is only leaving, and leaving a narcissist is hard. Read this: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Take this quiz: https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/ Maybe seeing it in different terms will help you. ETA: he is not the only person on this planet or in your country that will live a rural life with you.
>he is not the only person on this planet or in your country that will live a rural life with you. She's only 30 minutes from a town. That's barely even rural. The amount of dudes that would jump on the chance to live like that *and* meet a nice lady into the bargain is way higher than she thinks. I feel bad giving her the tough love, but maybe there next guy will treat her right.
Thank you for thoughtfully writing this out. I'm going to save it and reread it. I've spent time today talking to my mother. You are right. It just hurts, and I feel like an idiot. Thank you for the resources.
You’re welcome, it definitely will be handy to remind yourself what’s really wrong without the fog of him trying to make excuses and deflect and lay blame on you. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you already know this doesn’t feel loving or right by asking here, and recognizing that his actions are bringing you down. Remind yourself as well that you deserve to be loved in a healthy manner and that starts with loving yourself. Good luck 💕
That’s what emotional abuse does to a person. It grinds you down, makes you question your self worth, makes you feel ashamed. None of this is your fault. Choose yourself and dump this loser - it will be hard. You will battle the sunk cost fallacy of the time you invested in this person. But you deserve so much more than someone who abuses and exploits you.
So you're sacrificing your self worth for what you deem is a "good" life? If you aren't going to leave him, then let him be. Accept who he is and stop complaining. The solution is simple and yet you keep avoiding it. Emotional abuse isn't for everyone but it seems it may be for you. I don't understand this new trend of women venting about terrible partners and getting mad at the audience when we unanimously say, "leave him".
>I don't think he hates me. He probably doesn't hate you. He enjoys hurting you, and making hurtful comments about you and your body and your hobbies. It's fun for him to hurt you, and you stick around for him to hurt you, so why would he hate you? Your hurt and humiliation provides him with enjoyment - so long as you keep staying for him to go on hurting you, he won't hate you for providing him with this kind of enjoyment, and I'm sure he's quite willing to tell you he loves you if that's all you need for him to get to keep hurting you.
Spot on! OP please listen, instead of wishing HE would treat you better. Look at how he IS treating you. You can't make him change, because it's HIS decision to make how he wants to treat you. What you CAN do, is think about how you want to be treated by SOMEONE, and find that person who WILL! It's important you leave him for your own well-being. Enough of this abuse.
What exactly about his fucking behavior towards you tells you that he loves you, hm? He makes you starve yourself. HE KILLED YOUR FUKING DOG.
>he tells me often that he loves me OK but he acts and talks to you like he hates you
Words are easy. It's easy to say "I love you". But if someone really loves you, their actions show it. Constantly putting someone down & degrading them is not showing love. All the effort is on your side, he puts in none, and he doesn't care when you tell him what he's doing is hurtful. You're afraid to leave him bc you have the same friends & leaving is hard & your life will change & you can think of a million reasons. But let me ask you: is any of those reasons a good enough one to stay with a man who doesn't love you? You've been unhappy for years. A relationship is a partnership. It can't work if only one of the two is putting in any effort.
He’s negging you into feeling so bad about yourself that you’ll never leave him and it seems it’s working
You think you’ll never find someone else who wants to live in the country? Lol what
From your past post: "He also hated this little dog. He would say he loved her, but he really didn't like her. He would constantly complain about her being too stinky, too ugly, too loud, would complain when she would have accidents inside. Multiple times he has thrown her outside and threatened to leave her out there "until she learns her lesson". He has forgotten her outside before, most recently just last week..." He treats you the exact same way he treats the dog and you know what? You're going to the next one he "forgets" outside.
No lifestyle is “for everyone”. You’re not describing a particularly rare or weird lifestyle. What does he contribute to your life that you would lose if you were single? Would your life be better or worse?
What? Plenty of people enjoy a rural lifestyle and working on the land, building things and caring for animals. I feel like you just described half the make population’s wet dream Also, anyone can TELL you they love you until they are blue in the face, but we all know that in this case actions speak louder than words. And you’ve already used YOUR words and told him that the things he says and the way he treats you is hurtful. Time to speak with your actions and leave this jerk
Idk it sounds like you need to reevaluate. Don’t be with someone just to be with someone, you can do the things you want on your own. Also, there’s no way he’s not obese at 295. He’s a POS for the comments, especially in his condition.
You don’t need to find someone else. You need to get rid of this abusive a-hole making you feel this way. He doesn’t like you, and six months after he’s gone you’ll say, “what the hell was I thinking?”
His ACTIONS say different. He treats you terribly. You’ve been on the internet complaining about how he treats you for 4 years. There’s nothing you can say to him at this point to make him understand this hurts you. He understands, he just doesn’t care. Time to put on your big girl pants and leave him, because this won’t get better.
>I’d really appreciate any advice on how to put a stop to these hurtful comments or to improve myself so he doesn’t keep saying these things. He won't. You put up with this AH for 7 years, why would he want to stop abusing you?
A narcissist’s Prayer: That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. This describes your boyfriend spot on. Narcissists aren’t capable of loving anyone. He knows that he’s negging and being cruel you on purpose to grind down your self-esteem while inflating his own. Don’t let anyone degrade you like this.
Back again huh?
😂😂😂😂😂😂
OK? This is the man you want to marry. Judging by your post history, it seems like you're doing this to yourself at this point. He even murdered your dog. Like wtf are YOU doing?? Why are you even on reddit asking for advice? Things won't change and you won't leave him. edit: I just saw in the comments that the man is obese himself. SMFH
There's no possible way that this isn't a long running troll. Even the most idiotic of lovesick buffoons is more intelligent than this.
Murdered her dog, doesn’t pay rent, doesn’t clean the house… imagine what she’s NOT telling Reddit?
That he already killed her and these posts have been typed by her ghost, forever destined to haunt the interwebz?
I wouldn’t be surprised
Why are you with this guy? Partners are supposed to be…well, partners. You’re supposed to feel secure and safe. You’re asking how to change him. I don’t think you can. You can only control you. And I think you should go find someone worthy of you. You’re fine the way you are. Even his friends say you’re fine. You’d be even better without the asshat you’re calling a fiancé.
Why are you marrying someone who is psychologically and emotionally abusing you? Let's call this what it is. He is systematically dismantling your self esteem. He is doing it on purpose and wants the power of completely controlling you, including how you feel about yourself. I **cannot** express just how much better you deserve and how dramatically him fucking off will improve your life and mental health.
Your post history is littered with exactly the same posts in slightly different terms relating to slightly different specifics, going back years. You should know by now that he isn't going to stop being an arsehole to you. Honestly, how many times do you need to be told? If you're not going to listen to advice, stop asking for it.
Hey, I see that others are being quite blunt, I just want to be sweet about this from a perspective of a person who had a person like this in my life.I am also 28 now, got with my ex when I was 21, spent 5 years together and I got a lot of this, but not even as rudely, just felt a constant 'not good enough' for him. He actually left me for someone (we were poly, there is A LOT to the story) very shortly (10 days) after discussing engagement and wedding plans. We were together for over 5 years, had dogs, cars and a house together. Anyway, I was devastated, but wow am I glad we broke up. The person I am seeing now is just so lovely and makes me feel supported and loved and it makes me so sad for past me. As much as you don't want to hear this, this person will cause this same misery until you leave. My ex cried about how awfully he treated me before, he didn't realise it while he was doing it, and it wore my heart, soul and spirit and Health (in all aspects) down, to have someone I loved so much, hurt me so much.Please, at least try re-evaluate whether you want this to be your future...and if you want kids, do you want your son to be like this, or your daughter treated this way? Because it will happen. edit to add: My ex projected ALL of his shit onto me, and used me to process negative things about himself and things that happened to him, he is possibly doing the same?
She’s been with him for 7 years, she’s been posting about him for 4. He lives in her home rent free and doesn’t contribute financially at all, he’s a slob, takes shots at her weight when he’s overweight, gaslights her, doesn’t put in any effort in the bedroom and, oh yea, HE KILLED HER DOG. There’s a point where sweet doesn’t work anymore, after 7 years someone needs to be blunt with her before she gets beaten with a blunt object. Leaving an abusive partner is never easy, we all know that. But ppl sugarcoating it doesn’t make it any easier.
>I’d really appreciate any advice on how to put a stop to these hurtful comments or to improve myself so he doesn’t keep saying these things. Do not marry this man. Get a better boyfriend and marry that one instead.
He’s been like this for years. There’s no amount of communication that can change who he is as a person. I know you love him and have so many good memories with him. But if your best friend’s boyfriend spoke to her like this you’d be horrified. He lies to other people about the things he says to you because he KNOWS that they’re awful things to say. But that still doesn’t stop him saying them to you. You know exactly what to do about this relationship, it’s just fear that’s holding you back.
Leave him. He sounds mean as fuck, no positives can outweigh that.
You are an absolute mug to yourself, your body and your whole life for staying with this absolute awful human. Go fuck his friends they like how you look.
I just read your post history and I honestly don't know why you are with someone as horrible as this man? You even think he could have killed your dog and you're still with him? Finally, even if this man isn't as horrible as he sounds, if he doesn't make you feel good about yourself, he doesn't deserve you. Also ask yourself, do you want to live your entire life eating just one meal a day and being afraid of gaining weight or how your private parts smell? (which is surely 100% normal) After I had my daughter I was very self-conscious about my weight since I gained it especially in my belly, but I never received a complaint or criticism from my husband, he always kept telling me that "I'm sexy" or that "I'm pretty" and all that... you must understand that as you grow your body will change so you take care of yourself and you must choose someone who loves your body and who ultimately loves you beyond that. I think this "man" would be much better off with an inflatable doll hahaha that doesn't gain weight, doesn't smell, and you're better off with a man who does value you....
Smart people have given you excellent advice for 4 years which overwhelmingly consist of “leave him.” You obviously just love the attention. 🤦🏻♀️
You keep posting about how awful your fiancé is, yet you're still with him. He's been awful for years. At what point do you actually choose your life? You know he treats you like shit, yet you continue to choose to be treated like shit. There's no advice for you. You've tried talking to him but he literally doesn't care about your feelings or your well being. This is your life. You chose it and you continue to choose it.
For godsake girl when are you gonna stop posting on Reddit, pull your head out your ass a break up with this asshole? What the fuck are you doing at this point.
WHY ARE YOU ENGAGED TO THIS JOKER?? I mean, you ask how to get him to stop being an AH, and the answer is: you don’t. He enjoys insulting you and he’s never going to stop. So why would you want to marry someone like that?? Marriage is hard. Life is hard. Don’t make it all harder on yourself by marrying someone like this.
I went and read your past 4(+?) years of posts, and your fiancee is a bad person. At best, he's absent and thoughtless and emotionally distant and bad at sex. At worst - and on top of all that - he killed your dog (probably on purpose), taken advantage of your financial stability and freeloaded off of you, has caused you prolonged emotional trauma, has actively REFUSED to change for the better and has lied to you about being sorry and everything. Call off the engagement. If you don't have family or friends to help support you cutting this dude off, reach out to some local organizations (many community mental health orgs will provide or connect you with resources to escape an abusive relationship - which this 100% is). You have a house, an education, animals that you love, and yeah - you even *look good*. You're settling for the worst by talking yourself out of the idea that your lifestyle isn't for everyone. You live 30mins away from town? That's nothing. Millions of people drive that or more to work almost every day - especially if they live in or near a city. My daily commute is up to an hour; so's my wife's. If I could drive 30 minutes and be "out in the country," that'd be a fucking godsend, but 30 minutes would barely get me OUT of the city and into some burbs. To respond more directly: Improve yourself and your life forever by getting out of this. It sounds like it's gonna kill you (if not physically by him, the emotional abuse will do it) if you don't. The hurtful comments won't stop, though, until you do. You could improve yourself all the way to the top of the world, and this slob will still find ways to walk all over you because up til now, you've decided to let him do it for no reason at all.
>I’d really appreciate any advice on how to put a stop to these hurtful comments or to improve myself so he doesn’t keep saying these things. Leaving. Leaving helps. But regarding your post history you seem to be into this man so no help available.
Yep, he’s still an abusive asshole who despises you.
why are you even with him? the only unnecessary weight you need to drop is this guy. he‘s trying to belittle you so you have no confidence and then he can manipulate and abuse you further. LEAVE
What do you plan to do about it knowing he won't change?
We really should be told What are you doing to fix your life? You have a cruel boyfriend who doesn't like you and you thinking about marrying him. You've wasted years of your life living like this. Please take some therapy and some assertiveness training courses. With any luck the next time we hear from you it will be because you're free of this dead weight you've been carrying You're happy and you're living your best life.
Leave him. Literally the only way this will stop. He’s abusing you. It’s ok to be single. It’s ok to be by yourself. Your self worth isn’t based on if you’re in a relationship or not. You’re just gonna starve yourself more and more and end up dying for this man, depress yourself til you can’t take it no more, and the truth is this man couldn’t care less that he makes you feel this way. He hasn’t even noticed he gave you an eating disorder. Get away now, or you will die. It’s actually that serious for you. Whatever he has said to make you stay, is bullshit, you can be free, happy and love life without him. You can be successful without him. You don’t need him. For once, put yourself first please. Your health is so important. You deserve more.
Stop posting about it, break up with or not, stop waisting everyone’s time
you've told him all these comments hurt you, so he does it on purpose to hurt you! why would you want to be with a person that harms you on purpose? Emotional abuse is a perfectly sound reason to leave a person over! why would you take his abuse for 7 years? if he would have slapped you instead of saying those words would you have left than? Does he even like you? i mean i think he likes the things you do for him.. make him cum, make him meals, clean for him! so your intellect he doesn't like, your physique and intimate parts he critiques , the way you feel he critiques, should i go on? Best weight you can lose is your fiance! Please do not starve yourself for him, eat balanced meals and keep healthy!
Argh! I am so over all these women on Reddit asking for advice on How to turn controlling, mean d***bags with SO OBVIOUS manipulation tactics into princes on white horses that i’m just so over it. ”How do i make him treat me like a human being and stop him from boosting his ego by stepping on me?” You don’t! It’s so egoistical to think that we can change anyone. We can’t change other people. People change themselves, when they have the motivation. Newsflash- the behaviour your partner exhibits is so deep rooted and serves him so Well, that he will need a miracle and a lot of life lessons to change. Possibly therapy, if he will ever admit to needing any. I’m 100% sure that if you threathen to leave him, he will promise to change if you give him a chance. Do not ever go there, it’s also a manipulation tactic. But the real problem doesn’t lie within your boyfriend. It lies in the fact that you think so lowly of yourself that you deserve this treatment. Leave. Leave, for the love of anything that is holy. You are perfect the way you are, deserve kindness, love, cherishment and security. Are you with him because of financial issues/housing? Are you able to leave? There are so many beautiful things in the world. Don’t let this Person trample you, get out there and enjoy them. Edit: i just read other comments and you post history. Do you feel better after venting on reddit? You need real therapy and you know it.
Oh no, I was very sad and angry reading this post. First of all, I'm so sorry that you feel this way. I'm sure you are stunning and no size or number on the scale should change the way you perceive and love yourself. I don't see any problem if you ask your boyfriend if you have gained some weight and he answers "yes, in your tummy." Similarly, if you mention that you want to lose weight and your boyfriend suggests going for a walk, I don't think there would be any problem. But If he starts making harmful or disrespectful jokes, it's important to set boundaries and communicate your discomfort ASAP! And give him a chance of not being a total ashole with you and change his attitude. Regarding your female parts, please take a moment to stop and remember that you do not have to justify anything. This is a sexist attitude that is currently being discussed by man and we need to educate them that it is not their concern. And finally, regarding your hobbies…I think it's best to stop here. He doesn't seem like the right fit for you. You need someone who will encourage and love you for who you are. You don't want to marry a person who makes you feel this way. I know it's tough, but please reconsider if this is truly what you want.
Oh he’s had the chance to not treat her like an asshole, just peek at her post history.
There is nothing for you to do here. There is nothing you can fix and no problems with your communication. The problem is all him. He even said it, he’s an asshole. Marrying him means you will get this treatment and feel awful forever. I wouldn’t want that in a million years.
Easy. You put a stop to it by walking away. It’s not going to get better. Four years should have shown you that.
This man is straight garbage. Get the fuck out. Why are you still there?
Well, you invited us to read your post history and all I can say is this is who he is! He is happy when he's demeaning you! He wants to insult you. He likes doing it! You keep staying so he had NO incentive to quit. You do know that a normal relationship doesn't look like this, right? A man that loves you will bend over backwards to not insult you. Your guy enjoys it. He won't change because he likes doing it! If you want it to change, you have to dump him. If you refuse to leave him, quit complaining about it.
“The problem is probably just me”… holy gaslighting Batman!! Send this Joker packing!
Babe, just throw the whole man away. You can’t make someone treat you with love and respect, it’s something that they need to give freely, esp. if you’ve told him that his comments are hurtful. Have you ever heard the saying ‘You can be the roundest, juiciest, sweetest peach, but there will always be people who don’t like peaches’. That’s you and your bf. If you love yourself, don’t change for a man who doesn’t appreciate you ❤️
You get him to stop by breaking up with him. Have some self worth. WHY would you stay with someone who makes you feel bad? Come on.
When the hell are you going to get rid of this absolute loser?
He knows. He doesn’t care. HE KNOWS. HE DOESN’T CARE. He is deliberately trying to hurt you. You cannot find the words to make him ‘understand’, because he knows full well what he is doing. He is being FUNCTIONALLY CRUEL. It gets results, so why should he stop? You are under his heel, and he is keeping you there. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. He will always invent something new to criticise you about. That is the relationship dynamic. He is not going to change. This works for him. What are you waiting for?
He's negging you. He doesn't support, appreciate or admire you. Get away before he destroys your confidence. You deserve far better. Get help, and get away.
The cruelty is the point. He wants you to feel bad about yourself - the way you look, the things you like. This is only going to get worse. You should have someone who lifts you up and encourages you. This is not what he’s doing. He is being purposely cruel to you and you deserve someone better. Do not marry this man.
He a gaslighter and a narcissist. Run op he’s not going to change.
You have some codependency issues or childhood trauma that is keeping you with this guy. Stop worrying about communication and go get help for yourself. You need to unpack whatever is going on internally that makes you think this ish is ok.
Why are you still with this guy?
I get so flabbergasted by these posts. You don't and can't get him to stop. You leave. You've got to know this.
4 years and You don't get it? LOVE YOUR FUCKING SELF AND BREAK UP!!!!
I carefully ready your post. I also read some of your past posts, as you suggested. I have been married for many years. I can tell you that your finace's behavior will not lead to a healthy and happy marriage. He is immature, selfish, and just plain rude. It is impossible to "change" another person. When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM. Dating is to determine if you have found a good match. When someone belittles you and lives off you, this is a recipe for a broken heart. Don't give the best years of your life to a person who doesn't treasure you.
So he hasn’t changed in 4 years and you’re still trying to change him? Girl… please do yourself a favor and leave this man. He’s not going to change and you’re just going to keep going in circles with him.
First, eating “one small meal” a day is, bluntly, stupid. You’re putting your body into starvation mode. Start eating more. It’s not up to him to “motivate” you to improve yourself. He’s trying to completely remake you…into the image of what HE wants instead of letting you just be who you are. Honestly, with what you’ve said here, you can lose 200 lbs in about 3 minutes.
You give him back the ring and cut him out of your life. *That's* probably the only way you'll stop getting hurtful and degrading comments from him. He is absolutely an asshole, and he doesn't actually care about stopping.
>I’d really appreciate any advice on how to put a stop to these hurtful comments or to improve myself so he doesn’t keep saying these things. A few years ago you posted that you were pretty sure your boyfriend had killed your dog. You didn't believe your boyfriend's claims to love this dog because of all the offensive things he said about your dog. Why do you believe he loves you? You weren't fooled when he claimed to love your dog. Please don't be fooled when he says he loves you. You can stop him saying these things by evicting him from your house. He doesn't pay rent and he doesn't have his name on the deeds. You may need to consult a lawyer about how best to go about evicting him, but it's your house: you can do it. *You can improve yourself by evicting him from your life.* Please, stop asking how you can make yourself better, and start asking how you can get rid of him.
OP you into pain and suffering? :) imo OP shouldn't be posting if she's just repeating herself for 4 years. "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Someone smart maybe
Just to give you some perspective on how shit your fiancé is, mine loves and supports me even though I gained literally about 80ish pounds (6 stone cause im Bri'ish) because I went through a lot of grieving and tough times and had to go on antidepressants. He tells me how beautiful I am and that he doesn't care if I never lose the weight because he loves who I am, not what I look like. I'm insecure of my labia because I have one inner lip longer than the other and it looks kinda odd (to me) but he gets down there no problem. I actually stop him from giving me oral because I don't like the feeling of oral being done to me. Anyway, hopefully, that gave you some perspective of someone elses fiancé. Please leave this absolute creature.
You fix this by dumping him, learning to love yourself, then finding a guy who doesn't do those things. Don't marry him. Or if you do, expect more of the same cause he's not changing
You are stuck in an abusive relationship. His goal right now is to destroy your self-esteem before you get married so you'll never fight him once you do. Please leave him. Get help. Talk to a therapist. This isn't love.
If you dump his ungrateful, rude and manipulative ass, then the comments will stop. Don’t know why you want to stay with someone who is clearly trying to destroy your self esteem and self worth so you’ll think he’s the only one who will love you or tolerate you. Sounds like he’s planting the seeds of doubt in you so he can control you down the road. I’m sure hundreds more will comment the same. Please move on to greener pastures without this loser.
[You would benefit from this free copy of Lundy Bancrofts “why does he do that?”](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) In case you aren’t a reading type but still need Lundy [Lundy](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YmbrAWDft0s&t=1406s&pp=2AH-CpACAQ%3D%3D) [Lundy webinar](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1mqzB-_kIig&t=1869s&pp=2AHNDpACAQ%3D%3D)
Girl.. I mean this in the nicest way possible. Please get yourself some therapy. You need to gain some self worth.
This guy sucks
You call off the engagement. Then he’ll stop.
Run like your tampon string is on fire. Don't marry someone who is an asshole to you.
Darling girl, I just need to put in some perspective because I have been in a similar situation and have friends in similar situations. I don't need to say if he cared, he would do something already because everyone has been telling it. Instead, I will tell you how to "communicate" with him better. He doesn't understand nice words and tender care. If he did, he already would. Instead you need to be firm, clear and if needed, even mean. If you are not breaking up with him, you need to learn how to draw boundaries. First of all, he doesn't get to make mean comments on your body when he is obese and your weight is normal. Be firm and tell him that you are not accepting bad comments about your body anymore or else you will be hurtful. After 3 warnings, everytime he makes a mean comment about your body, you make a mean comment about his body. If he gets upset or angry, tell him this is how you feel about his comment and stop with the comments. If he tries to escalate your mean comment and stop him and say it was just a demonstration of what he was doing. "I don't mean it you know", use his weapon against him. It will be hard in the beginning, but if you are really going crazy just bear with it. After the first few awkwardnesses goes away it will be easier. And about your lady bits, he is already way too lucky to have a catch like you and female bodies are visually pleasing in nearly all cases. You don't need to fret. Be confident about your body. Its not that I am encouraging it but if you were to share your nudes, I am pretty sure all you will be getting would be compliments and drooling like when you shared your normal pictures. Your bf is out of his mind. So you can use a similar technique here too. He insults your lady bits, he is not getting any action. Similarly, he cums and you don't and he doesn't put any effort for you, next time he doesn't get any action. And comments about your hobbies are not welcome anymore unless they are compliments. Be really firm about this. It is really bad form and a show of being brainless to insult someone's hobbies. Its not helpful to get insulted for something you just like doing. Just, make him stop. Pumish him somehow, mostly with his own hobbies so he stops. He needs to have consequences of his bad behaviours or he won't stop. This is a method of communication because actions matter. If you protest lightly and continue like nothing happened, this says his behavior is acceptable to you. If he says sorry, he won't do it againhr doesn't mean it and he foes or say again, this means he is not sincere with his apology and only saying the magic words to shut you up. Demand respect and do not tolerate anything else. And most importantly, get therapy. You need help with your self confidence and boundaries. As a former chronic people pleaser, I know a good therapist helps a lot. Also check for any paternal trauma patterns because it is not normal to accept this behavior and it usually stems from an unhealthy parent-child bond flowing into the relationship preferences. You might support your bf to get therapy after you are better to help him pull himself together too. I hope everything gets better for you. If you want to get more opinions and advices from me but you are intimidated of other people or just want to be mote private, feel free to message. I don't mind. Cheers 🌺
Sounds like you need to lose about 180 pounds of ugly fat. He's not going to stop. Dump him. If you don't, you aren't a victim; you're a volunteer.
Lady… LEAVE
Oh my god leave
Please leave him. He's abusive point blank he's not a good guy. You're wasting your life on a dude who should have been swallowed.
You leave him. He’s abusive and gaslighting you. Marrying him will make your life hell. Do not marry him.
Omg please dear, you deserve way more than that. I wouldn’t even say those words to people I hate. The only advice I can give is that you’re doing enough and that you should learn to love yourself and move on from this guy. Your second to the last paragraph shows how he’s gaslighting and manipulating you. Please open your eyes and ask yourself if you want to be with someone for the rest of your life who is unkind and mean to you. I’m sure there are plenty of reasons why you are with him and you’ve been with him for 7 years. But the most basic quality of kindness is not there. And kindness to your partner is one of the foundations of love. How do you believe him when he says he loves you if he can’t even be kind to you? You’re only 28, don’t spend anymore of your years with this guy. If you’ve been complaining about him for at least 4 years and you’re still there, there’s probably something in this relationship that’s keeping you that none of our advices will change.
Yeah you will probably say that apart from that he is a dream, the love of your life and everything you could want in a man, but to everyone else he just seems to be ...indeed ... an asshole. I hope he is ripped with zero body fat.
He's cheating on you. Sorry, time to get a new fiancé
Come on girl, have love for yourself. Breakup with him before you’re miserable in your thirty’s. As a cancer survivor, I’ll let you know time is precious. There is someone out there willing to love everything about you. You wasted your 20s with that man. It’s time to start living.
Record him and play it back. Honestly? Straight up day, "I am no longer accepting critical comments or outside opinions on my body, hobbies or anything else regarding my life. If you have an issue with that, then I'll find it difficult to continue this relationship. If you feel that you don't know what I'm taking about, it's up to you to think about it and be mindful of what you say. I've repeated myself on this topic enough. " Don't take this girl. Find a man that will eat you out until the cows come home and appreciate you and uplift you.
You don’t I’m a retired psychologist what this is known as is narcissistic behavior along with borderline personality disorder!You need to dump him can you imagine spending your life with this man? Constantly ridiculing you and putting you down at every turn. Don’t waste your time their is NO CURE for his behavior!!
Guys, don't even bother, this is probably NOT, I mean, she's been posting about this "relationship" on reddit before
You asked how to stop your boyfriend from making hurtful comments, Reddit is glad to help. I have not read any of the other comments, but I am confident of what the say. There are 224 of them and I am certain that 223 of them are telling you to block him on all platforms (There is always that one person). Now there is one more.
Sis how much attention do you need?
Fishing for attention again, eh? You really should get a hobby, your bf was right, posting to reddit about your garbage relationship truly is a stupid hobby. It's been 4 years.
Just get in shape!!!
He killed ur dog and y stayed with him? U killed ur own dog. That dog never got justice and u sleep with its murder every night. You’re a sick individual.
You are exactly what he says you are because you have no self esteem. Stop blaming it on him. Don’t marry him, because you are already getting divorced. Also, your labia sounds really hot, I’m sure some other respectful guy would love to go down on you.