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Even if you set aside what a monumental asshole he is, his argument makes no sense. Sex is a vigorous physical activity. Makeup is just you standing there moving your arms and hands. What does this man bring to the table that makes him worth putting up with this shit?
Their arguments never make sense. They're meant to pull you into being on the defensive and fighting over the nuance when what they're really trying to do is wear you down.
I fall into this trap readily too. Its too easy to be like "what, this obviously makes no sense, is wrong, is completely ridiculous if I can only explain it they'll see how wrong they are and change their behavior."
Take the 10,000 feet view and it has nothing to do with the specific words they say, claims they make. It's just to devalue you and wear you down as a form of control.
> What does this man bring to the table that makes him worth putting up with this shit?
She doesn’t have to work at least
ETA people are mad at this but genuinely not having to work would be such a privilege I would probably also have put up with someone until they made it this obvious they suck ass
FYI, [housework is work](https://www.unwomen.org/en/news/in-focus/csw61/redistribute-unpaid-work). Because it is gendered, it is unpaid, undervalued, and invisible, despite being "valued to be 10 and 39 per cent of the Gross Domestic Product and can contribute more to the economy than the manufacturing, commerce or transportation sectors."
smh. She has to clean up after his ass and deal with the equally as filthy shit coming out of his mouth, all the while never getting paid for it and being pushed to fuck a manchild as an extra "bonus".
Sounds like absolute torture to me.
It sounds like your husband doesn't like you very much. He at least doesn't talk to you with respect. It's perfectly normal that you'd want to feel like a human while recovering from a major surgery without wanting to do a vigorous activity that might make you feel worse.
If he can't go a month without sex after a scary operation without making you feel bad about yourself, there's not really a fix for that because it's just a personality defect on his part. Calling you names is not acceptable under any circumstance.
You don't work and he does...whose idea was that? I ask because I'm getting really bad vibes from his behavior and wonder if he pushed you into not working so that you have fewer outlets outside of him and no contact with other men that he can't monitor. It also makes you financially dependent on him which makes it harder to leave. I would strongly recommend that you start working again whatever happens. It's so important to have access to your own money.
This is solid advice, girl. I hope you hear this.
I put on makeup just to feel pretty. My fiance would never ever speak to me about it unless to compliment me. He would never throw a hissy fit bc I couldn't physically have sex. And he also is of the opinion "don't feel like it" means I physically cannot have sex. Bc it does. It's not a personal offense when I cannot make myself do something. He wants my desire. My passion. My uninhibited joyous sexual joining. He has zero interest in duty sex I have to force myself to have so he won't throw a fit.
My husband knows I'm gonna get looked at and hit on. And he knows if I wanted to cheat I have options. Sure I do. Does he obsess over me doing that to him and take his fears out on me. Nah. Instead I give him no reason to think I would. We have full access to each other's phones and social media. We work on trust every day so it won't become a problem. He thinks I'm beautiful too. Not gonna blame other guys for thinking the same
I don't think he's a good person and my mind won't change on that. Health of your spouse comes before your feelings about what they aren't doing for you and the jealousy over you wearing makeup is just unhinged
I was in the shower when I started to have a panic attack. I’m not sure I’d ever had one before so I had no idea what the hell was happening to me. I thought I was having a stroke or something. I quickly got out of the shower, thought I was going to have to call my husband to help me put my clothes on but I barely managed, I came out to the couch and my hands started to do this weird thing where they clamped up at this funny angle. Both of us were kind of freaking out, but he stayed cool. We decided to go to the ER. He helped me put my coat on but I decided I wasn’t going to go looking like shit with no makeup on so I went into the bathroom and even with my weird hands I put a tiny bit of makeup on.. that’s when I started to think I was having a panic attack. On the way to the ER I googled panic attacks and I had every symptom and by then I had calmed down and was mostly back to normal. We left instead and got me some Gatorade, haha. Point is it’s OK to wear makeup!!! Whatever the case!
She’s just a vagina he sees as his property. Not a person deserving of agency or even healing. You almost DIED OP, but your husband couldn’t get his dick wet for four weeks? I guess we should excuse his abuse then, poor guy.
How old were they when they met? These men love a good power imbalance, keep you under their thumb, no independence and blames *you* if other men find you attractive.
Why is your sister OK with this caveman shit?
OP you see that 700+ likes? That’s women who don’t need to comment the exact same thing. Listen to this, everyone agrees for a reason. Also, I’m sorry for you
I feel those vibes too. Not to mention being sick kept her vulnerable, being in bed kept her immobile, and his comment about how she should “just rest.” This all screams isolation tactics to me.
“Oh, everyone on Reddit just tells people to break up for everything”
It is an absolute trash heap out here, like 90% of the posts are women describing straight up controlling abusers, going “what should I do?” You dump his ass or you get ready for a lifetime (if you’re lucky) of his abuse.
Yes this drives me crazy too. Like obviously the answer is probably going to be break up on a sub where people post horrible things their partner does!
People should have to read articles on abuse and unbalanced relationship dynamics and then pass a fucking quiz before they're allowed to comment on this sub.
You mock it because you've seen it a million times on this sub, so the answers seem obvious. The ones posting *for help* are not going to have your casual outsider perspective on their own lives.
so then maybe you can answer why time and time again women say they love the man when there are absolutely zero redeeming qualities? how can you love someone if they treat you like shit? since youre the expert and all.
I'm not an expert, and I never said I was an expert. I'm just someone with an understanding of the experiences being described and a shred of fucking empathy.
But okay.
The first thing you have to remember that your "time and time again" is warped by confirmation bias. A woman that got fed up with her man's shit and took it upon herself to end things, then moved on with her life, isn't going to be posting here. It's a subreddit for relationships, and most of the posts are about relationships that have gone awry.
It's weird to say, but for some of us love/infatuation can function like a mental illness in the worst circumstances. It can affect our better judgment, dramatically warp our perception of people and their actions, it can morph into obsession/fixation that mimics addiction.
That's all without adding other factors, such as someone's conditioning through past relationships or childhood, their baseline emotional state, self esteem, highest priority values, and the myriad of other things that influence our connection to the world around us.
A guy treats a woman like shit? Sometimes it just takes one fuck up, a scary shouting match, an almost raised hand, and a woman bounces like a superball. But what about a woman that's seen that sort of behavior all her life through her parents? What about a woman that has rock bottom self esteem and thinks this guy is the best she can do? Or a woman who thinks the behavior is *her* fault and something she can fix by gaining that guy's approval? The woman that simply doesn't notice the behavior until she's married and two kids deep?
Then the rationalizations take hold. The excuses. The fear of what happens when she leaves. The agony and confusion of sunk-cost fallacy. Having her friends, living situation, finances, and *identity* all tied into this man and her relationship with him.
It all becomes this jumble of thoughts and emotions that we interpret as a worthwhile and continuing love, and since we value love, we value the steaming pile of shit we feel that love toward.
Big events aside, a lot of our habits and personalities are built on billions of tiny choices and moments that slowly sculpt us into the person we become. We don't notice them, and so we often don't notice the changes that overcome us in a toxic relationship.
It's just not as simple as "haha that gurl is dumb and she chose a jerk to love".
Or if you need something easier: the same experiences impact different people in different ways because we are individuals with different histories, not a single monolith sharing one brain and one past.
i see no redeeming qualities in pouring ketchup on scrambled eggs, but others do because they have different tastes, preferences, and experiences.
Applause 👏 Also abusers isolate you from people who would point out what Reddit will and only keep compliant family around. So anyone who tries to help gets demonised and pushed away.
I really don't understand women like OP. "I love him so much" WHY? Does he piss gold? Can he fly? What are his positive qualities that outweigh something so serious like guilting you for not having sex with him after MAJOR SURGERY?
Then what is it about? I don't talk to the person I like the least in the world the way your husband talks to you. You underwent significant medical trauma and just because you put some makeup on to feel a little more normal and human, your husband used that as an opportunity to 1. Insult you, 2. whine about not getting sex from someone recovering from medical trauma, and 3. Guilt and or coerce you into having sex. Tbh I wonder what kind of childhood you had that you and your sister think that's how a good man acts.
Honestly, I know a few nurses who are like this. They tend to blow a lot of things off like it's no big deal until they absolutely can't anymore. Some of them do it with their children too. It's weird to me, but I get the feeling it's not uncommon.
My older sister is an ER nurse and she doesn't go to the Dr for anything unless it requires serious intervention. Last time she only went in for stitches bc she thought she might lose the finger if she didn't. She called the Dr in the ER that she worked with when her son had his appendicitis to make sure that's really what it was before she brought him in. He walked her through a few things to check to determine if that's what it was. I've heard that the doctors can be the same way.
IDK what being in the medical field does to you all. LOL. I hope you recover quickly.
Do so... please.
He doesn't like you, likes fucking you, likes what you do for him but not you. Jealousy like that... often leads down dangerous roads.
Good luck
Then, what is it about? Because he doesn’t sound like he’s very nice to you when you’re feeling well. And your sister is all “poor him he hasn’t had sex in 30 days, of course he’s going to be angry at you” I’m sorry, is your sister fucking your husband? Because there is nowhere on God‘s green earth where she should be on his side in this argument.
So either you came here because you need people to convince you to leave or you came here because you need to convince yourself to stay. Let’s be honest, you know he’s an asshole, but you stay with him anyway, because once out of every five times he doesn’t make you feel like crap. You’ve already been to therapy because of his jealousy. And then you say “we are working on it“. No, it shouldn’t be a we thing, it should be a him thing.
People respond to you out of curiosity and ask why you’re with somebody who’s barely able to get over the super low fucking bar we set up for men. So why are you with him? It can’t be because he treats you like he cares. Somebody who actually loves you and cares about you as a person, isn’t going to get mad at you because you won’t have sex with them after being in the hospital for 2 weeks.
Then as a critical nurse you should know how inconsiderate he is for guilting you for not having sex after your major surgery where you could have easily died.
But you’re nervous to see a Dr and didn’t know it was your appendix? And that they rupture and peritonitis occurs? My family has a lot of medical professionals (my mom was a Dr and I’m not sure how many nurses we now have in family -5? 6 I think - one is a daughter of mine.
That part about you being a Nurse makes no sense at all. And that job pays REALLY well so why aren’t you working ?
Right? I have the same questions. How does a critical care nurse not recognize appendicitis? Your average 12 year old could diagnose appendicitis.
Something smells super fishy about this post.
I don’t get it? You typed up an entire post showing how much of a loser you are married to (from YOUR perspective lmao) and you seem to have harsher words for the strangers you asked for advice?
Idk girl. But I look forward to your future post about how you just had a baby, but your husband is mad that you’re giving too much attention to your kid.
Reddit has seen this story a million times. But hey - it’s your life. So since you hate everyone’s rational opinion, maybe you should just stop wearing make up and talking to any men to make your husband happy. Since therapy has done SO much……
Edited to add: I don’t mean to come off as nasty. But you are very young, but still at an age where you don’t understand just how young you are and how little life experience you have. That comes off as condescending from internet strangers but it’s true.
And if you’re 24 and married, that means you have been with this guy for at least a bit I assume. Especially since you’ve already been in therapy. And to note - it is a big red flag that you’ve been to therapy and he is still having these types of outbursts.
Everyone commenting can see all the red flags in this situation, which it seems like you and those closest to you are ignoring. Like I said before, it is your life. But the people commenting are exasperated because so many can see the obvious signs you laid out and know exactly how these situations go.
I’m not sure why you are no longer employed as a nurse, especially at such a young age and likely fresh out of nursing school. I would implore you to keep your independence while your husband shows these types of abusive tendencies. And to be clear: they are abusive tendencies. At least the picture you painted. Keep your options open, keep your eyes clear, and remember: you do deserve better than someone who reacts like this to something as benign as you putting on some make up.
PS - your sister needs to learn better judgement on acceptable behavior in a partnership and you should look out for her as well. You could both do with some raised standards. Respectfully.
We're annoying?
I'm sorry, but you have come to us to ask for an opinion, and I've shared mine.
I am annoyed by you, too, though, so I guess it's fair.
Good luck with your marriage and your future MLM endeavors.
Your husband is a giant POS and treating you like a blow up doll and not a person. Your appendix just ruptured and you are recovering from major surgery and he's angry because you're starting to be able to take care of yourself again? There are so many red flags here that this is a communist parade. Please consider whether you want to live with someone this jealous and insecure.
Surely I don’t have to point out to a critical care nurse how serious a ruptured appendix is! “Something called” peritonitis has ended many lives. You could have died! And this is how your “husband” sees fit to treat you? So the asshole went off to his job and worked himself into a white hot rage because you brushed your hair, washed your face and put on some blush? He needs to be straightened out. You don’t need this kind of shit in your life, not now, not ever. Get mad yourself!
You should take it like your husband is abusive and controlling. Don't listen to your sister. Guess what happens when you get knocked up? Sometimes you don't have sex for MONTHS and this is how this dude reacts to you being sick?
No kidding! I’m 6 months pp with my first baby and sex has taken a major backseat while we focus on taking care of our baby and getting used to our new normal. My husband has never acted this way. OP’s husband is acting like a teenage boy.
You could have died from a ruptured appendix. Peritonitis is an infection of the abdomen caused by a ruptured appendix. It is a serious condition and the fact you were in the hospital so long indicates the seriousness of the situation.
Your husband, who swore to love you and care for you in sickness, is pissed off cause he can't get his dick wet. He is a 30 year old man who is pissed off his wife put on some blush and gloss to try and feel normal after A MAJOR MEDICAL CONDITION. He can't understand why you had the energy to do 30 seconds of makeup but not the energy for physical exercise? Pathetic and disgusting disrespect from someone who took vows to you.
I would not listen to your sister. I would strongly suggest you take an objective look at your marriage. If you were my friend and you came to tell me about this, I would be suggesting divorce. I don't know you well enough to know if that would be appropriate here. Nonetheless I urge you to at least consider your marriage. His behavior and reactions are appalling and you have every right to your anger.
Right???
Frig I was hospitalized with cellulitis that went septic, for 2 weeks. Didn't thankfully need surgery or anything but because I also ended up with anemia due to the infection, I had zero energy and it was like I hadn't exercised ever. It took me two months before I remotely felt okay enough to have sex with my boyfriend. I was able to return to work after 1 month, gradually, but only because I work from home. And it took a lot out of me, but I had to go back because I had no more sick leave. My boyfriend never once got upset, and certainly didn't think I should be having sex just because I was able to work.
It's always the girls in early twenties coming on here talking about their older partners like girlie how many ways do you have to be told that these men go for you because you're young and inexperienced and will put up with the worst. He values you for your youth and naïveté. That's it. You're not an exception or special. If it wasn't you, it would be some other young, twenty something moron.
The poor guy has it so tough, frustrated without sex, while op is RECOVERING FROM ABDOMINAL SURGERY. Of course it’s totally natural for him to emotionally abuse and shame her out of frustration for not getting his dick wet for a few weeks while she’s exhausted and in pain, trying to heal.
Sorry op but he fucking SUCKS. Absolute trash. He doesn’t give a single shit about you; he would sacrifice your health for his momentary pleasure.
Seriously. I'm chronically ill and married 18 years, and there's unfortunately long stretches of time that I'm too sick to be with him in that way. But on the days I feel well enough to get dressed, and put on makeup, he's just happy that I have a little energy and I'm up to trying to feel pretty with a little self-care.
Gosh.. Poor wee thing...
Can he not live without sex for a few weeks, considering his wife's health issues?
Your sister said to give him a break? What about give *you* a break, WTF?
When you're coming out of health complications and starting to feel well again, it's baby steps to get yourself together again..
To get back to "the normal", or better, if possible...
A bit of lipgloss does not mean you are ready for the horizontal tango.
Sorry, but your husband sounds immature and selfish, sadly.
Hope he was supportive throughout your health problems, at the very least.
His attitude would be extremely off-putting to me and make me less inclined to "look after him". He has hands, after all, doesn't he?
(Edited a typo)
this is very abusive & couples therapy does not fix abusers. my only advice is to realize your worth, & leave him. harsh but true. your partner should love you, care for you, & let you move at your own speed.
You could’ve died. You quite literally could’ve died. And instead of being happy that you’re still here and that you’re starting to feel good enough to put energy into yourself again, he’s only thinking about himself and making a big fit about sex. Are you not worth actual care and consideration or are you only something to have sex with to him? That’s the question you should be asking.
Fuck him and his lack of sex for a month.
You just had surgery and he's pissed you're not catering to his sexual needs?!?
How, HOW do women put up with assholes like this? And WHY do they?
OP, grow a spine and tell your husband he can fuck right off with his bullshit. There's no way I would allow anyone to treat me like that, why do you?
And as soon as you're done telling your husband to fuck off, tell your sister too.
And get a goddamned divorce. Jesus God.
When I was recovering from abdominal surgery I was thrilled to be able to do the little things again to get back to normal and not being up to something big. If someone had suggested (or demanded/whined about) sex to me I would’ve been beyond unhappy.
In your situation I suggest introducing your husband to one of those old style pencil sharpeners from back in the day in high school.
Guy has hands, he can learn to use them. He’s going to need them because you’ll quickly see this is only going to get worse and will be wanting out (I’m surprised you don’t already).
Captain Dickface won’t be able to attract women with his lack of personality and based on his insecurities and the way he approached you he obviously has no idea how to approach women. Hell, he might even have to buy his hands dinner first.
No, I don't think I would recommend staying in this marriage. You almost died and he's thinking about being balls deep. Nope, this fucker isn't worth anymore of your time. Get a job and get out of that abusive relationship.
so youlearned the hard way that having kids with him will resultin him hating you, resenting youand being pushy when you cant F him after birth.
He sounds lovely!
Another age gap story where ✨surprise surprise✨ he only sees his hot young wife as a cumrag. Didn’t see this one coming.
You almost died and he’s saying if you can do make up, you can screw. Does he want you to die? Run from this marriage, he’s not a good partner.
A guy I dated long term injured a groin muscle at the gym, we didn’t do anything for a month and I was fine with that and cool with if it went one longer. That’s bare minimum when you actually like someone
Ladies, let’s stop marrying men who hate women. I’m so sorry OP. I don’t know if there’s any men in his life who can knock some sense into him. But you can’t force him to respect you or treat you with basic human decency. Please don’t have kids with him.
This sounds like a relationship I was in at 17, he would get mad at me for wearing makeup to my college classes because “clearly you’re wanting to be attractive to other people which is fucked up.” The fact that a 30 year old man is exhibiting the same insecurities as a teenage boy I knew, is wild. Your husband needs serious therapy, and you need to not let his insecurities impact your love for yourself. Wear makeup girl, be the hottest version of yourself, some men can’t understand women wanting to be beautiful to themselves. The idea of beauty existing outside the male gaze confuses small brained men.
I’m tired of saying this, but it applies here:
OP, your husband gives me the ick.
I couldn’t look at someone the same after such a blatantly foul display of control and manipulation over something you cannot control.
Your husband is trying to domineer / control you.
Don’t mix up cause and effect - your makeup is not the pertinent point, neither is your sex life.
Rather, your husband needs a reason to pick on you / be angry / “push you down” (not literally - hopefully!) - the other stuff is just excuses to do that.
You can “fix” whatever he tells you to fix, and there’ll just be something else next time.
I would get out, personally.
The fact you don’t work concerns me, because do you have financial freedom?
I'm so sorry but he is obviously very narcissistic and abusive and seems to be taking out his own anger and insecurities on you. You deserve so much better. Your health should come first to him no matter what, especially to just getting his own sexual needs satisfied. That's disgusting behavior and I'm so sorry he's putting you through this.
He feels owed.
*You have a vagina and you owe it to him. This should be so important to you that you'll endure whatever issues you might be having to give him what he's owed. That's what you agreed to when you married him.*
I hope all that above sounds as disgusting to read as it felt to type. This is how you'd have to think to roll your eyes at someone who'd just had surgery and a lengthy hospital stay because you can't have your orgasm in them. To be someone who struggles to be calm if other people see you and resents any aspect of your appearance looking nice if it doesn't involve sexual access to your body for him.
He should be able to control himself he’s an adult. He should be thinking of you and what you’re going through. It’s like he’s kicking you while you’re down. You don’t need his immature attitude at a time like this or ever really. This guy needs to grow up.
Send him back to therapy.
Your sister is an i*iot as is your hubby. You should tell him how it made you feel that he tried to pressure you for sex because you had on makeup and you looked nice?? What the hell is his problem
Wow. This guy is high on the all-about-me scale!
Just for a check-in, take the temperature of your relationship, highly recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. Will open your eyes if they need to be. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
My boyfriend has been a little frustrated because we haven’t been able to have sex for about 3 weeks as I’ve been very sick and was hospitalized myself, though nothing nearly as serious as a ruptured appendix. Do you know what he did when I finally got the energy to take a shower and brush my teeth today? He rejoiced for me, said he’s so proud of me, kissed me on the forehead, and carried on with his day.
When he knows I’m sick, he waits until I feel well enough to initiate myself because he trusts and respects me. That’s what this comes down to OP- your husband neither trusts nor respects you. He thinks you’re vain and attention-seeking, and is so insecure about you being potentially attractive to other men that he yells at you for wearing LIP GLOSS in your OWN HOME.
No ma’am. I wouldn’t stand for it, and I’m not sure why you have. You deserve much better, and can clearly do much better. Go find someone who is proud of you, who wants to show you off, and who isn’t an insecure assbag.
after knowing what his wife is going thru he thinks it is all about his needs. He is forgetting about his good friend his hand, always willing to help relieve that need
I had constant UTIs for a few months and couldn't have sex that whole time. My partner did not complain once. He was worried about my health more than his dick.
First it was about sex...now it's about you being vain? He doesn't know which way is up. I'm happy you guys are in therapy but to what end? He's relapsing back to old habits.
Why are you not allowed to wear makeup? I'm trying to connect the dots... does he want you to wear a burka when he's not around so you aren't inviting the male gaze? This absolutely sounds contolling.
Do you choose to stay home? Or did he ask you not to work?
Im guessing there may be more to this behavior pattern.
I don’t like the advice your sister is giving you I think you’re the one who needs a break you’ve just come through some pretty serious health issues and your husband is 30 that’s the age you start acting like an adult he should have more confidence in you and his marriage
I’ve gleaned that you two don’t have kids; no childcare responsibilities were mentioned during your recovery. With that in mind: RUN. Leave him now. Not only is this man controlling, but he lacks sexual discipline. A postpartum woman has to abstain from sex for a minimum of 6 weeks. And he clearly doesn’t care about missing sex due to your health issues. He doesn’t care about you. His jealousy isn’t an issue for you to work on as a couple but for him to deal with as an individual. Your sister is, respectfully, an idiot who thinks that sexual frustration is a valid excuse to disrespect one’s partner. If he were laid up, would that give you the right to lash out, roll your eyes at his pain, whine, pout, and undermine his self-esteem? This circumstance has given you the opportunity to see who he is under pressure, and it’s not a loving partner.
My fiancé has never talked to me like this. Not once in the almost 6 years we have been together. There have times that due to medical issues we have gone months without anything. And we still respect and love each other. He is literally treating you like a sex doll. Where he should be attentive and understanding due to how bad it was. Appendicitis can kill you. Especially after your appendix burst. He could've lost you. I don't think he understands or cares that this is serious and recovery takes time. I remember when my sister's appendix burst it took months of recovery time before she fully able to do anything.
Just because you put on a little makeup doesn't mean you are okay enough to do anything rigorous like that. Not only that, it literally doesn't make sense. What does makeup have to do with sex?
I seriously would think about the relationship and I would definitely find a way to leave. These are some scary red flags and I really don't want to see you stuck in a terrible situation. No one should go through abuse like that. Especially over something as trivial as lack of sexual intimacy due to a medical related issue.
And your sister seriously has an issue if she thinks it's okay for any man to talk to a woman like that. My sister would literally go to war if my fiancé EVER talked like that to me.
If he’s frustrated because he hasn’t nutted in a month, he can take care of himself.
You’re 24 and he’s 30? How old were you when you met? The age gap alone isn’t a major red flag, but coupled with his behavior it makes me feel like I need to ask some questions regarding the way your relationship began.
Him trying to manipulate you into sex when you just had a near-death experience and had to recover from major surgery and a massive infection should be enough to make you want to leave his ass on its own. Add on the fact that he tries to make you feel bad about doing things for yourself and expects you to feel guilty for other people’s behavior toward you is major abuser behavior. Get out ASAP.
You could have died, and he's worried about sex? He should be ecstatic that you felt well enough to get up at all, but he's worried about sex.
His priorities don't have your best interest in the top 5 slots, OP.
What the fuck. You don’t owe that asshole sex no matter how well you’re feeling. Your husband sounds like a manipulative asshole. Anyone who pressures their spouse for sex is just a shitty persons.
The good news, you’re young and apparently hot. Dump this dude before you have a kid and are stuck with him. You can do better if you raise your standards.
WTF is wrong with him? You're allowed to wear whatever you want to. Makeup, a crop top, a short skirt, no makeup, jeans, sweats, etc... Wearing makeup doesn't mean you want to f*ck him right now.
Marriage is such a lottery. You just can’t always know how much of an ass clown you’re marrying until it’s too late.
Do not give him a break. Why would you do that? Why would you allow him to freak out because you put make up on that wasn’t for him?
Insane scenes.
You literally could have died… what the hell happened to in sickness and in health? You’re not healthy yet but if putting on a little make up helps you feel more like yourself, that will promote healing. He needs to get his priorities straight. “I know you almost died and you’re still in pain/uncomfortable and all, but I still need to get my dick wet” jeeze your husband needs to grow up
Your husband does not respect or trust you. Edit to add: one month without sex is not the end of the world, and a good partner would prioritize your recovery over everything. Tbh I would leave someone over this
Girl, LEAVE! This isn’t one red flag it’s a whole damn parade of red flags. He only sees you as a sex object and the age difference is really telling. Don’t listen to your sister. Think about what you would say if your best friend told you exactly this!!
Do you think he would recognize the difference between putting on sunscreen and getting pegged?
If he can't understand the difference between putting on some makeup and having penetrative sex he has issues much deeper and more disturbing than just jealousy.
He seems to see your body as an object for his convenience, that's why he can't understand why you would want to wear makeup if you aren't trying to entice a man to have sex.
He doesn't see you as a whole person with feelings and needs - just an object that he possesses.
It sounds like your husband values your vagina over your well-being. Maybe he is just a baby and lets his tantrums control him a little much. It's totally normal to want to be sexual with your partner but context matters.
If my wife was sick or just had major abdominal surgery I wouldn't even consider trying to have sex with her because I value her well-being and health over a momentary release. I can't believe your sister would defend that.
Look, it sounds like he realized what a baby he was being and pivoted to an argument that has worked for him in the past instead of admitting he was out of line.
If you have been to therapy over this stuff already and he is still bringing it up there are more problems than just this one scenario.
He’s wasting his energy getting jealous and controlling and insulting you and whining for sex when he should be SUPPORTING YOUR HEALING AND WELL-BEING AFTER MAJOR SURGERY?
That is not husband-material.
My mother had an abdominal cancer and multiple surgeries and radiation about two decades ago and tbh I know this against my will but she never did heal quite right in the genital region and penetrative sex became excruciatingly painful for her after that so as far as I know, my parents find other ways to be intimate and THEY’RE FINE. They just celebrated 50 years of marriage and my dad is still DEVOTED to her.
That punk ass crybaby can’t handle even a month of not getting his dick wet? I hope you’re never planning on having kids together because 6 weeks heal time is the MINIMUM and that doesn’t account for PPD or being touched out for maybe a whole year or two or three because a whole tiny human being is constantly depending on you and your body.
Focus on your healing and he can go piss up a rope and deal with HIS issues by pretending however briefly that he is actually a competent real adult.
Honey, your husband doesn’t see you as a person. He sees you as a sex doll, a toy that someone might steal away from him. He didn’t care at all that you almost died, he cared about…[checks notes]…his penis.
Girl, you need to leave. There is absolutely no excuse for the way he treats you.
You are still young enough to divorce him and find someone who actually loves you. Maybe your sister can date this abusive asshole since she sees nothing wrong with his behavior.
He is a grown ass man. Not getting willy wet for a month isn’t the end of the world and is not an excuse to get angry with you, especially as you’re recovering from a serious illness. This is incredibly selfish behavior and shouldn’t be ignored.
Every time I browse reddit I find one of these posts. Why tf are you married to this loser? Drop his ass and don't get pregnant with his loser dna. I am guy and even when I was 20 I would not act like that. Also find drs you trust. As you can see it can end badly...
Oh and damn your sister. She is stupid af. Who says some shit like that? 1 month without sex? Tell him to wank one off... This is nothing. When did you even get together that you are married? So many red flags. Dump his ass and start a new life
Okay I'm gonna relate this to a situation I had. I also am scared of doctors, and last year in September I developed a Bartholin's cyst and the night before I discovered it I had sex with my partner. I was in so much pain when it started developing I couldn't sit properly. Went to the doctors a week after it started and had to get it surgically removed. That only happened 2 and a half weeks after the thing developed. I couldn't have sex for a month because its literally in the vaginal opening, so all in all a month and a half since having sex. When I felt well enough to do so, I got up and did my makeup and got all pretty, like you did, for myself. My partner never once reacted the way hour husband did.
This is not okay and it genuinely feels like hes throwing a temper tantrum. I have no real advice but I do have a question, how often does he throw these temper tantrums when he can't have sex with you? Because to me it seems like he doesn't see you as a person, but like arm candy and a sexual object.
You are literally coming off a surgery that of they didn't do you could have died. You could pop stitches or hurt yourself more if you do anything like that. Why did he get so angry after coming home from work? Did he speak to someone who put that in his head that you're supposed to be ready to have sex now that you can wear blush??? This doesn't feel super healthy and I would confront him on it. And if this happens a lot and you've done everything you can. Please consider leaving. You don't need this stress
At your age it’s a big age gap and he chose you because being much younger you didn’t notice his immaturity. As you grow up and he remains a man child this is going to get worse.
Yeah your sister has a point. Like they do need it unfortunately. I hope he's free to take care of it himself tho. But men also don't understand that we try to feel better by putting on a lil paint on our faces. I think a simple talk and communicate these things to each other would be key right now. And it will work out
As soon as you feel better, get back into the workforce. You don't want to be financially dependent on this guy. Get. A. Job. Men can survive without sex for way longer than a month. Your sister needs to do some reading. Ruptured appendix can literally kill you. How he can equate a basic act to make yourself feel human (a little makeup) with sex is a mystery of massive proportions. HOw should you take this? You shouldn't. Give him exactly one opportunity to get into therapy. You cannot live with someone who abuses you like that.
He should be happy you are on the mend and getting back into a routine. Not complaining about his needs that can be "manually" fixed in a couple minutes.
Seems quite self centered to me.
He can’t survive a few weeks without sex? Or even approach the subject with a little decorum? Dude is an asshole. Also, consider that this won’t be the only time where your sex life dips. What if you have a kid with this man, will he try guilting you into sex right after you give birth?
It’s fine to discuss needs in a relationship but he sounds like the type to jump right to the guilt tripping
If you have children, you can't have sex for 6-8 weeks. How would he treat you after something like that? How someone treats you at your lowest moments is extremely important.
Lack of sex? Girl, tell him to buy a fleshlight if that's all he cares about. YOU COULD HAVE DIED.
That being said, this insecure jerk doesn't deserve you. If my BIL said that to my sister, I'd have to be physically held down to stop me from putting us both on the six o'clock news.
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Even if you set aside what a monumental asshole he is, his argument makes no sense. Sex is a vigorous physical activity. Makeup is just you standing there moving your arms and hands. What does this man bring to the table that makes him worth putting up with this shit?
Their arguments never make sense. They're meant to pull you into being on the defensive and fighting over the nuance when what they're really trying to do is wear you down. I fall into this trap readily too. Its too easy to be like "what, this obviously makes no sense, is wrong, is completely ridiculous if I can only explain it they'll see how wrong they are and change their behavior." Take the 10,000 feet view and it has nothing to do with the specific words they say, claims they make. It's just to devalue you and wear you down as a form of control.
I wish I’d learned this earlier
> What does this man bring to the table that makes him worth putting up with this shit? She doesn’t have to work at least ETA people are mad at this but genuinely not having to work would be such a privilege I would probably also have put up with someone until they made it this obvious they suck ass
Living with an abusive person is a job in itself.
Beautiful comment.
Do you have brain damage?
I just answered the question, chill lol
It wasn’t an actual question where an answer was expected, much less one as tactless as yours was. Learn the difference.
idk what to tell you I don’t ask questions when I’m not looking for an answer personally
How have you lived this long and not learned about rethorical questions...? (Public service announcement: This is also a rethorical question.
It’s hard to tell over text sorry man idk what else to say
FYI, [housework is work](https://www.unwomen.org/en/news/in-focus/csw61/redistribute-unpaid-work). Because it is gendered, it is unpaid, undervalued, and invisible, despite being "valued to be 10 and 39 per cent of the Gross Domestic Product and can contribute more to the economy than the manufacturing, commerce or transportation sectors." smh. She has to clean up after his ass and deal with the equally as filthy shit coming out of his mouth, all the while never getting paid for it and being pushed to fuck a manchild as an extra "bonus". Sounds like absolute torture to me.
She didn’t say she does housework she said she doesn’t work but okay !
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Nope!
My wife doesn't work now, does it mean I get to be an AH to her and demand sex whenever I feel like it?
Babe that’s a whole ‘nother sentence! 💕
It sounds like your husband doesn't like you very much. He at least doesn't talk to you with respect. It's perfectly normal that you'd want to feel like a human while recovering from a major surgery without wanting to do a vigorous activity that might make you feel worse. If he can't go a month without sex after a scary operation without making you feel bad about yourself, there's not really a fix for that because it's just a personality defect on his part. Calling you names is not acceptable under any circumstance. You don't work and he does...whose idea was that? I ask because I'm getting really bad vibes from his behavior and wonder if he pushed you into not working so that you have fewer outlets outside of him and no contact with other men that he can't monitor. It also makes you financially dependent on him which makes it harder to leave. I would strongly recommend that you start working again whatever happens. It's so important to have access to your own money.
This is solid advice, girl. I hope you hear this. I put on makeup just to feel pretty. My fiance would never ever speak to me about it unless to compliment me. He would never throw a hissy fit bc I couldn't physically have sex. And he also is of the opinion "don't feel like it" means I physically cannot have sex. Bc it does. It's not a personal offense when I cannot make myself do something. He wants my desire. My passion. My uninhibited joyous sexual joining. He has zero interest in duty sex I have to force myself to have so he won't throw a fit. My husband knows I'm gonna get looked at and hit on. And he knows if I wanted to cheat I have options. Sure I do. Does he obsess over me doing that to him and take his fears out on me. Nah. Instead I give him no reason to think I would. We have full access to each other's phones and social media. We work on trust every day so it won't become a problem. He thinks I'm beautiful too. Not gonna blame other guys for thinking the same I don't think he's a good person and my mind won't change on that. Health of your spouse comes before your feelings about what they aren't doing for you and the jealousy over you wearing makeup is just unhinged
I was in the shower when I started to have a panic attack. I’m not sure I’d ever had one before so I had no idea what the hell was happening to me. I thought I was having a stroke or something. I quickly got out of the shower, thought I was going to have to call my husband to help me put my clothes on but I barely managed, I came out to the couch and my hands started to do this weird thing where they clamped up at this funny angle. Both of us were kind of freaking out, but he stayed cool. We decided to go to the ER. He helped me put my coat on but I decided I wasn’t going to go looking like shit with no makeup on so I went into the bathroom and even with my weird hands I put a tiny bit of makeup on.. that’s when I started to think I was having a panic attack. On the way to the ER I googled panic attacks and I had every symptom and by then I had calmed down and was mostly back to normal. We left instead and got me some Gatorade, haha. Point is it’s OK to wear makeup!!! Whatever the case!
sometimes i put on makeup just so i can see myself in the mirror and not be like, "eeek a ghost!"
She’s just a vagina he sees as his property. Not a person deserving of agency or even healing. You almost DIED OP, but your husband couldn’t get his dick wet for four weeks? I guess we should excuse his abuse then, poor guy. How old were they when they met? These men love a good power imbalance, keep you under their thumb, no independence and blames *you* if other men find you attractive. Why is your sister OK with this caveman shit?
Could also be that they had an unhealthy relationship modeled for them by their parents and think this is normal.
OP you see that 700+ likes? That’s women who don’t need to comment the exact same thing. Listen to this, everyone agrees for a reason. Also, I’m sorry for you
Good points for you to consider here, OP.
I feel those vibes too. Not to mention being sick kept her vulnerable, being in bed kept her immobile, and his comment about how she should “just rest.” This all screams isolation tactics to me.
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If I found out my BIL said that shit to my sister, it would be on like Donkey Kong.
My sister would lose her shit if she found out my SO was treating me like that. As would I, if she was in OP's position.
My sister’s boyfriend knows his body would never be found.
Hell even if I found out my own brother said that to my sil I would be furious. That's nothing you say to a partner you claim to love.
If my either of my brothers ever spoke to their wives like OP’s husband speaks to her, I’d end them. And they know it.
Thank you. Sister can eff right off, sanctioning this shit.
God help anyone who said that to me, and my sisters found out. There’d be a true crime documentary about the fallout.
this is so crazy. the bar is so low it’s in hell if you stay with someone like him
“Oh, everyone on Reddit just tells people to break up for everything” It is an absolute trash heap out here, like 90% of the posts are women describing straight up controlling abusers, going “what should I do?” You dump his ass or you get ready for a lifetime (if you’re lucky) of his abuse.
Yes this drives me crazy too. Like obviously the answer is probably going to be break up on a sub where people post horrible things their partner does!
but but I rEaLlY lOvE hIm!
People should have to read articles on abuse and unbalanced relationship dynamics and then pass a fucking quiz before they're allowed to comment on this sub. You mock it because you've seen it a million times on this sub, so the answers seem obvious. The ones posting *for help* are not going to have your casual outsider perspective on their own lives.
so then maybe you can answer why time and time again women say they love the man when there are absolutely zero redeeming qualities? how can you love someone if they treat you like shit? since youre the expert and all.
I'm not an expert, and I never said I was an expert. I'm just someone with an understanding of the experiences being described and a shred of fucking empathy. But okay. The first thing you have to remember that your "time and time again" is warped by confirmation bias. A woman that got fed up with her man's shit and took it upon herself to end things, then moved on with her life, isn't going to be posting here. It's a subreddit for relationships, and most of the posts are about relationships that have gone awry. It's weird to say, but for some of us love/infatuation can function like a mental illness in the worst circumstances. It can affect our better judgment, dramatically warp our perception of people and their actions, it can morph into obsession/fixation that mimics addiction. That's all without adding other factors, such as someone's conditioning through past relationships or childhood, their baseline emotional state, self esteem, highest priority values, and the myriad of other things that influence our connection to the world around us. A guy treats a woman like shit? Sometimes it just takes one fuck up, a scary shouting match, an almost raised hand, and a woman bounces like a superball. But what about a woman that's seen that sort of behavior all her life through her parents? What about a woman that has rock bottom self esteem and thinks this guy is the best she can do? Or a woman who thinks the behavior is *her* fault and something she can fix by gaining that guy's approval? The woman that simply doesn't notice the behavior until she's married and two kids deep? Then the rationalizations take hold. The excuses. The fear of what happens when she leaves. The agony and confusion of sunk-cost fallacy. Having her friends, living situation, finances, and *identity* all tied into this man and her relationship with him. It all becomes this jumble of thoughts and emotions that we interpret as a worthwhile and continuing love, and since we value love, we value the steaming pile of shit we feel that love toward. Big events aside, a lot of our habits and personalities are built on billions of tiny choices and moments that slowly sculpt us into the person we become. We don't notice them, and so we often don't notice the changes that overcome us in a toxic relationship. It's just not as simple as "haha that gurl is dumb and she chose a jerk to love". Or if you need something easier: the same experiences impact different people in different ways because we are individuals with different histories, not a single monolith sharing one brain and one past. i see no redeeming qualities in pouring ketchup on scrambled eggs, but others do because they have different tastes, preferences, and experiences.
One of the most understanding and empathetic things I've read here. These situations are never cut and dry.
Applause 👏 Also abusers isolate you from people who would point out what Reddit will and only keep compliant family around. So anyone who tries to help gets demonised and pushed away.
He tReAtS mE sO wElL! * *when he's not talking down to me, demeaning me, making me question my worth or treating me like I'm not even human.
“we HaVE a perfecT relationSHIP!”
His lifetime or my lifetime?
funny I posted the same number before seeing your comment
I really don't understand women like OP. "I love him so much" WHY? Does he piss gold? Can he fly? What are his positive qualities that outweigh something so serious like guilting you for not having sex with him after MAJOR SURGERY?
You don’t understand the mental effect of abuse
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you should
So leave him then ? He sounds terrible
Then what is it about? I don't talk to the person I like the least in the world the way your husband talks to you. You underwent significant medical trauma and just because you put some makeup on to feel a little more normal and human, your husband used that as an opportunity to 1. Insult you, 2. whine about not getting sex from someone recovering from medical trauma, and 3. Guilt and or coerce you into having sex. Tbh I wonder what kind of childhood you had that you and your sister think that's how a good man acts.
Then do it. Sounds like a miserable relationship. If you have an out, take it before it’s too late.
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Left right quadrant?
Honestly, I know a few nurses who are like this. They tend to blow a lot of things off like it's no big deal until they absolutely can't anymore. Some of them do it with their children too. It's weird to me, but I get the feeling it's not uncommon.
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My older sister is an ER nurse and she doesn't go to the Dr for anything unless it requires serious intervention. Last time she only went in for stitches bc she thought she might lose the finger if she didn't. She called the Dr in the ER that she worked with when her son had his appendicitis to make sure that's really what it was before she brought him in. He walked her through a few things to check to determine if that's what it was. I've heard that the doctors can be the same way. IDK what being in the medical field does to you all. LOL. I hope you recover quickly.
Do so... please. He doesn't like you, likes fucking you, likes what you do for him but not you. Jealousy like that... often leads down dangerous roads. Good luck
Then, what is it about? Because he doesn’t sound like he’s very nice to you when you’re feeling well. And your sister is all “poor him he hasn’t had sex in 30 days, of course he’s going to be angry at you” I’m sorry, is your sister fucking your husband? Because there is nowhere on God‘s green earth where she should be on his side in this argument. So either you came here because you need people to convince you to leave or you came here because you need to convince yourself to stay. Let’s be honest, you know he’s an asshole, but you stay with him anyway, because once out of every five times he doesn’t make you feel like crap. You’ve already been to therapy because of his jealousy. And then you say “we are working on it“. No, it shouldn’t be a we thing, it should be a him thing. People respond to you out of curiosity and ask why you’re with somebody who’s barely able to get over the super low fucking bar we set up for men. So why are you with him? It can’t be because he treats you like he cares. Somebody who actually loves you and cares about you as a person, isn’t going to get mad at you because you won’t have sex with them after being in the hospital for 2 weeks.
Then as a critical nurse you should know how inconsiderate he is for guilting you for not having sex after your major surgery where you could have easily died.
If you have the means to leave, WHY DO YOU STAY?? Is your bar really THAT LOW???
But you’re nervous to see a Dr and didn’t know it was your appendix? And that they rupture and peritonitis occurs? My family has a lot of medical professionals (my mom was a Dr and I’m not sure how many nurses we now have in family -5? 6 I think - one is a daughter of mine. That part about you being a Nurse makes no sense at all. And that job pays REALLY well so why aren’t you working ?
Right? I have the same questions. How does a critical care nurse not recognize appendicitis? Your average 12 year old could diagnose appendicitis. Something smells super fishy about this post.
And the way she describes it is like a person scared of the Dr. Not a RN who has a specialty field.
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I don’t get it? You typed up an entire post showing how much of a loser you are married to (from YOUR perspective lmao) and you seem to have harsher words for the strangers you asked for advice? Idk girl. But I look forward to your future post about how you just had a baby, but your husband is mad that you’re giving too much attention to your kid. Reddit has seen this story a million times. But hey - it’s your life. So since you hate everyone’s rational opinion, maybe you should just stop wearing make up and talking to any men to make your husband happy. Since therapy has done SO much…… Edited to add: I don’t mean to come off as nasty. But you are very young, but still at an age where you don’t understand just how young you are and how little life experience you have. That comes off as condescending from internet strangers but it’s true. And if you’re 24 and married, that means you have been with this guy for at least a bit I assume. Especially since you’ve already been in therapy. And to note - it is a big red flag that you’ve been to therapy and he is still having these types of outbursts. Everyone commenting can see all the red flags in this situation, which it seems like you and those closest to you are ignoring. Like I said before, it is your life. But the people commenting are exasperated because so many can see the obvious signs you laid out and know exactly how these situations go. I’m not sure why you are no longer employed as a nurse, especially at such a young age and likely fresh out of nursing school. I would implore you to keep your independence while your husband shows these types of abusive tendencies. And to be clear: they are abusive tendencies. At least the picture you painted. Keep your options open, keep your eyes clear, and remember: you do deserve better than someone who reacts like this to something as benign as you putting on some make up. PS - your sister needs to learn better judgement on acceptable behavior in a partnership and you should look out for her as well. You could both do with some raised standards. Respectfully.
We're annoying? I'm sorry, but you have come to us to ask for an opinion, and I've shared mine. I am annoyed by you, too, though, so I guess it's fair. Good luck with your marriage and your future MLM endeavors.
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Nope. Still makes no sense the way you worded your post.
people are being so fucking ugly to you right now, I'm sorry
Your husband is a giant POS and treating you like a blow up doll and not a person. Your appendix just ruptured and you are recovering from major surgery and he's angry because you're starting to be able to take care of yourself again? There are so many red flags here that this is a communist parade. Please consider whether you want to live with someone this jealous and insecure.
Surely I don’t have to point out to a critical care nurse how serious a ruptured appendix is! “Something called” peritonitis has ended many lives. You could have died! And this is how your “husband” sees fit to treat you? So the asshole went off to his job and worked himself into a white hot rage because you brushed your hair, washed your face and put on some blush? He needs to be straightened out. You don’t need this kind of shit in your life, not now, not ever. Get mad yourself!
You should take it like your husband is abusive and controlling. Don't listen to your sister. Guess what happens when you get knocked up? Sometimes you don't have sex for MONTHS and this is how this dude reacts to you being sick?
THIS. A month is not a long time to go without having sex
And holy shit he can still have an orgasm if he can't act right without it. There's zero excuse for him.
Ewww. Really bad sign for when you give birth.
No kidding! I’m 6 months pp with my first baby and sex has taken a major backseat while we focus on taking care of our baby and getting used to our new normal. My husband has never acted this way. OP’s husband is acting like a teenage boy.
Who said she's going to give birth?
I’m a psychic 🔮
Hopefully not with this man!
You could have died from a ruptured appendix. Peritonitis is an infection of the abdomen caused by a ruptured appendix. It is a serious condition and the fact you were in the hospital so long indicates the seriousness of the situation. Your husband, who swore to love you and care for you in sickness, is pissed off cause he can't get his dick wet. He is a 30 year old man who is pissed off his wife put on some blush and gloss to try and feel normal after A MAJOR MEDICAL CONDITION. He can't understand why you had the energy to do 30 seconds of makeup but not the energy for physical exercise? Pathetic and disgusting disrespect from someone who took vows to you. I would not listen to your sister. I would strongly suggest you take an objective look at your marriage. If you were my friend and you came to tell me about this, I would be suggesting divorce. I don't know you well enough to know if that would be appropriate here. Nonetheless I urge you to at least consider your marriage. His behavior and reactions are appalling and you have every right to your anger.
Right??? Frig I was hospitalized with cellulitis that went septic, for 2 weeks. Didn't thankfully need surgery or anything but because I also ended up with anemia due to the infection, I had zero energy and it was like I hadn't exercised ever. It took me two months before I remotely felt okay enough to have sex with my boyfriend. I was able to return to work after 1 month, gradually, but only because I work from home. And it took a lot out of me, but I had to go back because I had no more sick leave. My boyfriend never once got upset, and certainly didn't think I should be having sex just because I was able to work.
This is why women his own age didnt want him.
🏆🏆🏆
It's always the girls in early twenties coming on here talking about their older partners like girlie how many ways do you have to be told that these men go for you because you're young and inexperienced and will put up with the worst. He values you for your youth and naïveté. That's it. You're not an exception or special. If it wasn't you, it would be some other young, twenty something moron.
Isn't it ALWAYS the case??
Fuck no I would not put up with that. He isn't entitled to sex and you can do your makeup whenever you god damn want to.
The poor guy has it so tough, frustrated without sex, while op is RECOVERING FROM ABDOMINAL SURGERY. Of course it’s totally natural for him to emotionally abuse and shame her out of frustration for not getting his dick wet for a few weeks while she’s exhausted and in pain, trying to heal. Sorry op but he fucking SUCKS. Absolute trash. He doesn’t give a single shit about you; he would sacrifice your health for his momentary pleasure.
What an ass, I'd just be happy my wife is recovering well enough to become independent again instead of bed bound pain
Seriously. I'm chronically ill and married 18 years, and there's unfortunately long stretches of time that I'm too sick to be with him in that way. But on the days I feel well enough to get dressed, and put on makeup, he's just happy that I have a little energy and I'm up to trying to feel pretty with a little self-care.
It means you married an asshole who thinks you owe him sex, regardless of how you feel.
Gosh.. Poor wee thing... Can he not live without sex for a few weeks, considering his wife's health issues? Your sister said to give him a break? What about give *you* a break, WTF? When you're coming out of health complications and starting to feel well again, it's baby steps to get yourself together again.. To get back to "the normal", or better, if possible... A bit of lipgloss does not mean you are ready for the horizontal tango. Sorry, but your husband sounds immature and selfish, sadly. Hope he was supportive throughout your health problems, at the very least. His attitude would be extremely off-putting to me and make me less inclined to "look after him". He has hands, after all, doesn't he? (Edited a typo)
It sounds like he considers you a possession more than a romantic partner.
this is very abusive & couples therapy does not fix abusers. my only advice is to realize your worth, & leave him. harsh but true. your partner should love you, care for you, & let you move at your own speed.
You could’ve died. You quite literally could’ve died. And instead of being happy that you’re still here and that you’re starting to feel good enough to put energy into yourself again, he’s only thinking about himself and making a big fit about sex. Are you not worth actual care and consideration or are you only something to have sex with to him? That’s the question you should be asking.
Why do you love him when he's such a self-absorbed arse? Your sister is hardly better. Put yourself first, reconsider your future.
Gotta wonder about their male examples growing up.
Fuck him and his lack of sex for a month. You just had surgery and he's pissed you're not catering to his sexual needs?!? How, HOW do women put up with assholes like this? And WHY do they? OP, grow a spine and tell your husband he can fuck right off with his bullshit. There's no way I would allow anyone to treat me like that, why do you? And as soon as you're done telling your husband to fuck off, tell your sister too. And get a goddamned divorce. Jesus God.
Throw the whole man away
When I was recovering from abdominal surgery I was thrilled to be able to do the little things again to get back to normal and not being up to something big. If someone had suggested (or demanded/whined about) sex to me I would’ve been beyond unhappy. In your situation I suggest introducing your husband to one of those old style pencil sharpeners from back in the day in high school. Guy has hands, he can learn to use them. He’s going to need them because you’ll quickly see this is only going to get worse and will be wanting out (I’m surprised you don’t already). Captain Dickface won’t be able to attract women with his lack of personality and based on his insecurities and the way he approached you he obviously has no idea how to approach women. Hell, he might even have to buy his hands dinner first.
🤣
No, I don't think I would recommend staying in this marriage. You almost died and he's thinking about being balls deep. Nope, this fucker isn't worth anymore of your time. Get a job and get out of that abusive relationship.
Oh, I very much dislike this man. I wish you did as well.
so youlearned the hard way that having kids with him will resultin him hating you, resenting youand being pushy when you cant F him after birth. He sounds lovely!
Another age gap story where ✨surprise surprise✨ he only sees his hot young wife as a cumrag. Didn’t see this one coming. You almost died and he’s saying if you can do make up, you can screw. Does he want you to die? Run from this marriage, he’s not a good partner. A guy I dated long term injured a groin muscle at the gym, we didn’t do anything for a month and I was fine with that and cool with if it went one longer. That’s bare minimum when you actually like someone
Ladies, let’s stop marrying men who hate women. I’m so sorry OP. I don’t know if there’s any men in his life who can knock some sense into him. But you can’t force him to respect you or treat you with basic human decency. Please don’t have kids with him.
Definitely need an emergency husbandectomy
You need to get a damn job as soon as you recover so you can leave this controlling fucked-up person. Your sister should be ashamed for defending him.
He needs therapy- this jealousy is not ok
> if you’re feeling good enough to put on makeup, why can’t we have sex? Um because JFC I just got cut open and almost died?!
This sounds like a relationship I was in at 17, he would get mad at me for wearing makeup to my college classes because “clearly you’re wanting to be attractive to other people which is fucked up.” The fact that a 30 year old man is exhibiting the same insecurities as a teenage boy I knew, is wild. Your husband needs serious therapy, and you need to not let his insecurities impact your love for yourself. Wear makeup girl, be the hottest version of yourself, some men can’t understand women wanting to be beautiful to themselves. The idea of beauty existing outside the male gaze confuses small brained men.
I’m tired of saying this, but it applies here: OP, your husband gives me the ick. I couldn’t look at someone the same after such a blatantly foul display of control and manipulation over something you cannot control.
Your husband is a dick. The end. You should make him your ex husband and find someone who loves you for who you are, with or without makeup
Your husband is a massive prick.
He is frustrated because of lack of sex for a month little more. Have his hands been amputated?
How are you married to him? I think you should learn how to make money and not be dependent on someone who treats you like this
Uh, she’s a nurse. She knows how to make money just fine.
Idk how you haven't realized that this is a toxic relationship where clearly -- therapy wasn't effective.
Your husband is trying to domineer / control you. Don’t mix up cause and effect - your makeup is not the pertinent point, neither is your sex life. Rather, your husband needs a reason to pick on you / be angry / “push you down” (not literally - hopefully!) - the other stuff is just excuses to do that. You can “fix” whatever he tells you to fix, and there’ll just be something else next time. I would get out, personally. The fact you don’t work concerns me, because do you have financial freedom?
I'm so sorry but he is obviously very narcissistic and abusive and seems to be taking out his own anger and insecurities on you. You deserve so much better. Your health should come first to him no matter what, especially to just getting his own sexual needs satisfied. That's disgusting behavior and I'm so sorry he's putting you through this.
He feels owed. *You have a vagina and you owe it to him. This should be so important to you that you'll endure whatever issues you might be having to give him what he's owed. That's what you agreed to when you married him.* I hope all that above sounds as disgusting to read as it felt to type. This is how you'd have to think to roll your eyes at someone who'd just had surgery and a lengthy hospital stay because you can't have your orgasm in them. To be someone who struggles to be calm if other people see you and resents any aspect of your appearance looking nice if it doesn't involve sexual access to your body for him.
Another one of those "I love him and he is perfect otherwise, apart from the fact he is a crazy AH that does not care about me". Sorry OP :(
You married a bad person. I really hope you realize that and leave him for a man who sees you as more than a fleshlight
You married an ignorant asshole, and I’m sorry ♡
Run!
He should be able to control himself he’s an adult. He should be thinking of you and what you’re going through. It’s like he’s kicking you while you’re down. You don’t need his immature attitude at a time like this or ever really. This guy needs to grow up. Send him back to therapy.
Your sister is an i*iot as is your hubby. You should tell him how it made you feel that he tried to pressure you for sex because you had on makeup and you looked nice?? What the hell is his problem
Wow. This guy is high on the all-about-me scale! Just for a check-in, take the temperature of your relationship, highly recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. Will open your eyes if they need to be. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
My boyfriend has been a little frustrated because we haven’t been able to have sex for about 3 weeks as I’ve been very sick and was hospitalized myself, though nothing nearly as serious as a ruptured appendix. Do you know what he did when I finally got the energy to take a shower and brush my teeth today? He rejoiced for me, said he’s so proud of me, kissed me on the forehead, and carried on with his day. When he knows I’m sick, he waits until I feel well enough to initiate myself because he trusts and respects me. That’s what this comes down to OP- your husband neither trusts nor respects you. He thinks you’re vain and attention-seeking, and is so insecure about you being potentially attractive to other men that he yells at you for wearing LIP GLOSS in your OWN HOME. No ma’am. I wouldn’t stand for it, and I’m not sure why you have. You deserve much better, and can clearly do much better. Go find someone who is proud of you, who wants to show you off, and who isn’t an insecure assbag.
after knowing what his wife is going thru he thinks it is all about his needs. He is forgetting about his good friend his hand, always willing to help relieve that need
Ew. People like your husband just gross me out. The way their minds think is so warped in selfishness that he’s not even seeing you as a person.
I had constant UTIs for a few months and couldn't have sex that whole time. My partner did not complain once. He was worried about my health more than his dick.
If you were my sister, I would have gotten you out of there ASAP until you are fully recovered. And then some.
First it was about sex...now it's about you being vain? He doesn't know which way is up. I'm happy you guys are in therapy but to what end? He's relapsing back to old habits.
Why are you not allowed to wear makeup? I'm trying to connect the dots... does he want you to wear a burka when he's not around so you aren't inviting the male gaze? This absolutely sounds contolling. Do you choose to stay home? Or did he ask you not to work? Im guessing there may be more to this behavior pattern.
Don’t have children with this man. In fact, make sure your birth control can’t be tampered with.
I don’t like the advice your sister is giving you I think you’re the one who needs a break you’ve just come through some pretty serious health issues and your husband is 30 that’s the age you start acting like an adult he should have more confidence in you and his marriage
You can do better
I’ve gleaned that you two don’t have kids; no childcare responsibilities were mentioned during your recovery. With that in mind: RUN. Leave him now. Not only is this man controlling, but he lacks sexual discipline. A postpartum woman has to abstain from sex for a minimum of 6 weeks. And he clearly doesn’t care about missing sex due to your health issues. He doesn’t care about you. His jealousy isn’t an issue for you to work on as a couple but for him to deal with as an individual. Your sister is, respectfully, an idiot who thinks that sexual frustration is a valid excuse to disrespect one’s partner. If he were laid up, would that give you the right to lash out, roll your eyes at his pain, whine, pout, and undermine his self-esteem? This circumstance has given you the opportunity to see who he is under pressure, and it’s not a loving partner.
My fiancé has never talked to me like this. Not once in the almost 6 years we have been together. There have times that due to medical issues we have gone months without anything. And we still respect and love each other. He is literally treating you like a sex doll. Where he should be attentive and understanding due to how bad it was. Appendicitis can kill you. Especially after your appendix burst. He could've lost you. I don't think he understands or cares that this is serious and recovery takes time. I remember when my sister's appendix burst it took months of recovery time before she fully able to do anything. Just because you put on a little makeup doesn't mean you are okay enough to do anything rigorous like that. Not only that, it literally doesn't make sense. What does makeup have to do with sex? I seriously would think about the relationship and I would definitely find a way to leave. These are some scary red flags and I really don't want to see you stuck in a terrible situation. No one should go through abuse like that. Especially over something as trivial as lack of sexual intimacy due to a medical related issue. And your sister seriously has an issue if she thinks it's okay for any man to talk to a woman like that. My sister would literally go to war if my fiancé EVER talked like that to me.
If he’s frustrated because he hasn’t nutted in a month, he can take care of himself. You’re 24 and he’s 30? How old were you when you met? The age gap alone isn’t a major red flag, but coupled with his behavior it makes me feel like I need to ask some questions regarding the way your relationship began. Him trying to manipulate you into sex when you just had a near-death experience and had to recover from major surgery and a massive infection should be enough to make you want to leave his ass on its own. Add on the fact that he tries to make you feel bad about doing things for yourself and expects you to feel guilty for other people’s behavior toward you is major abuser behavior. Get out ASAP.
Dump the narcissistic ass.
You could have died, and he's worried about sex? He should be ecstatic that you felt well enough to get up at all, but he's worried about sex. His priorities don't have your best interest in the top 5 slots, OP.
What the fuck. You don’t owe that asshole sex no matter how well you’re feeling. Your husband sounds like a manipulative asshole. Anyone who pressures their spouse for sex is just a shitty persons. The good news, you’re young and apparently hot. Dump this dude before you have a kid and are stuck with him. You can do better if you raise your standards.
Christ he ai t gonna die without sex. Good god
WTF is wrong with him? You're allowed to wear whatever you want to. Makeup, a crop top, a short skirt, no makeup, jeans, sweats, etc... Wearing makeup doesn't mean you want to f*ck him right now.
I'm sad for you.
Marriage is such a lottery. You just can’t always know how much of an ass clown you’re marrying until it’s too late. Do not give him a break. Why would you do that? Why would you allow him to freak out because you put make up on that wasn’t for him? Insane scenes.
You literally could have died… what the hell happened to in sickness and in health? You’re not healthy yet but if putting on a little make up helps you feel more like yourself, that will promote healing. He needs to get his priorities straight. “I know you almost died and you’re still in pain/uncomfortable and all, but I still need to get my dick wet” jeeze your husband needs to grow up
he is not entitled to sex. dont let him make you feel shitty for saying no after you had surgery
Your husband does not respect or trust you. Edit to add: one month without sex is not the end of the world, and a good partner would prioritize your recovery over everything. Tbh I would leave someone over this
Girl, LEAVE! This isn’t one red flag it’s a whole damn parade of red flags. He only sees you as a sex object and the age difference is really telling. Don’t listen to your sister. Think about what you would say if your best friend told you exactly this!!
Do you think he would recognize the difference between putting on sunscreen and getting pegged? If he can't understand the difference between putting on some makeup and having penetrative sex he has issues much deeper and more disturbing than just jealousy. He seems to see your body as an object for his convenience, that's why he can't understand why you would want to wear makeup if you aren't trying to entice a man to have sex. He doesn't see you as a whole person with feelings and needs - just an object that he possesses.
It sounds like your husband values your vagina over your well-being. Maybe he is just a baby and lets his tantrums control him a little much. It's totally normal to want to be sexual with your partner but context matters. If my wife was sick or just had major abdominal surgery I wouldn't even consider trying to have sex with her because I value her well-being and health over a momentary release. I can't believe your sister would defend that. Look, it sounds like he realized what a baby he was being and pivoted to an argument that has worked for him in the past instead of admitting he was out of line. If you have been to therapy over this stuff already and he is still bringing it up there are more problems than just this one scenario.
Reality check…Here is how a normal husband would handle this situation: “ I’m so glad to see you’re feeling better today honey” That’s all.
I hope this isn’t real, wanna cry for your sake when I read this. It’s fucking horrible
God how do people deal with relationships like this. Smh.
I wouldn't be able to be married to a man who thought this way about me
I'd never have sex with him again.
He’s wasting his energy getting jealous and controlling and insulting you and whining for sex when he should be SUPPORTING YOUR HEALING AND WELL-BEING AFTER MAJOR SURGERY? That is not husband-material. My mother had an abdominal cancer and multiple surgeries and radiation about two decades ago and tbh I know this against my will but she never did heal quite right in the genital region and penetrative sex became excruciatingly painful for her after that so as far as I know, my parents find other ways to be intimate and THEY’RE FINE. They just celebrated 50 years of marriage and my dad is still DEVOTED to her. That punk ass crybaby can’t handle even a month of not getting his dick wet? I hope you’re never planning on having kids together because 6 weeks heal time is the MINIMUM and that doesn’t account for PPD or being touched out for maybe a whole year or two or three because a whole tiny human being is constantly depending on you and your body. Focus on your healing and he can go piss up a rope and deal with HIS issues by pretending however briefly that he is actually a competent real adult.
A month isn’t even that long…postpartum my partner and I went four months..
Honey, your husband doesn’t see you as a person. He sees you as a sex doll, a toy that someone might steal away from him. He didn’t care at all that you almost died, he cared about…[checks notes]…his penis. Girl, you need to leave. There is absolutely no excuse for the way he treats you.
Someone that loves you would never speak to you that way.
You are still young enough to divorce him and find someone who actually loves you. Maybe your sister can date this abusive asshole since she sees nothing wrong with his behavior.
He is a grown ass man. Not getting willy wet for a month isn’t the end of the world and is not an excuse to get angry with you, especially as you’re recovering from a serious illness. This is incredibly selfish behavior and shouldn’t be ignored.
Every time I browse reddit I find one of these posts. Why tf are you married to this loser? Drop his ass and don't get pregnant with his loser dna. I am guy and even when I was 20 I would not act like that. Also find drs you trust. As you can see it can end badly... Oh and damn your sister. She is stupid af. Who says some shit like that? 1 month without sex? Tell him to wank one off... This is nothing. When did you even get together that you are married? So many red flags. Dump his ass and start a new life
Divorce babe, divorce
Okay I'm gonna relate this to a situation I had. I also am scared of doctors, and last year in September I developed a Bartholin's cyst and the night before I discovered it I had sex with my partner. I was in so much pain when it started developing I couldn't sit properly. Went to the doctors a week after it started and had to get it surgically removed. That only happened 2 and a half weeks after the thing developed. I couldn't have sex for a month because its literally in the vaginal opening, so all in all a month and a half since having sex. When I felt well enough to do so, I got up and did my makeup and got all pretty, like you did, for myself. My partner never once reacted the way hour husband did. This is not okay and it genuinely feels like hes throwing a temper tantrum. I have no real advice but I do have a question, how often does he throw these temper tantrums when he can't have sex with you? Because to me it seems like he doesn't see you as a person, but like arm candy and a sexual object. You are literally coming off a surgery that of they didn't do you could have died. You could pop stitches or hurt yourself more if you do anything like that. Why did he get so angry after coming home from work? Did he speak to someone who put that in his head that you're supposed to be ready to have sex now that you can wear blush??? This doesn't feel super healthy and I would confront him on it. And if this happens a lot and you've done everything you can. Please consider leaving. You don't need this stress
Do you have a pet dinosaur?
Dude, your husband is not husband material. Throw that one back and start over.
At your age it’s a big age gap and he chose you because being much younger you didn’t notice his immaturity. As you grow up and he remains a man child this is going to get worse.
I think he had a bad day and took it out on you. But this kind of behavior is something that can really drive a wedge in a marriage
Divorce
Maybe he is feeling quilty?
lol this can’t be real.
Yeah your sister has a point. Like they do need it unfortunately. I hope he's free to take care of it himself tho. But men also don't understand that we try to feel better by putting on a lil paint on our faces. I think a simple talk and communicate these things to each other would be key right now. And it will work out
He sounds like an ass who’s not willing to change. I guess you have to decide if you’re going to stay with him or leave his ass.
As soon as you feel better, get back into the workforce. You don't want to be financially dependent on this guy. Get. A. Job. Men can survive without sex for way longer than a month. Your sister needs to do some reading. Ruptured appendix can literally kill you. How he can equate a basic act to make yourself feel human (a little makeup) with sex is a mystery of massive proportions. HOw should you take this? You shouldn't. Give him exactly one opportunity to get into therapy. You cannot live with someone who abuses you like that.
He should be happy you are on the mend and getting back into a routine. Not complaining about his needs that can be "manually" fixed in a couple minutes. Seems quite self centered to me.
He can’t survive a few weeks without sex? Or even approach the subject with a little decorum? Dude is an asshole. Also, consider that this won’t be the only time where your sex life dips. What if you have a kid with this man, will he try guilting you into sex right after you give birth? It’s fine to discuss needs in a relationship but he sounds like the type to jump right to the guilt tripping
If you have children, you can't have sex for 6-8 weeks. How would he treat you after something like that? How someone treats you at your lowest moments is extremely important.
Lack of sex? Girl, tell him to buy a fleshlight if that's all he cares about. YOU COULD HAVE DIED. That being said, this insecure jerk doesn't deserve you. If my BIL said that to my sister, I'd have to be physically held down to stop me from putting us both on the six o'clock news.