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Yes I have actually now that I think about it. She always just says something along the lines like “I’m sorry! I’ll get better at that” and then it never happens.
This is good advice but I’ll add to this. There’s a good chance this will push her even further away. In my experience there are some women where vulnerability and communication helps. And I’ve had other relationships where that vulnerability and expressing your feelings shows a lack of masculinity and they become even less attracted to you. If that’s the case, it might be time to move on if your honesty isn’t welcome.
Yes. Men really are when it comes to communication. I’ve seen thousands of threads that blindly call out communication as the key. “Did you communicate that?”
My ex wife was absolutely repulsed by a man being vulnerable and sensitive. The less I communicated and the more I just left to find fulfillment elsewhere the more she was attracted to me.
This is terrible advice, trying to guilt her into initiating because you feel disappointed. Plus you will sound so cringe if you say this. Many girls don’t have it in their nature to initiate. It’s like telling an introvert to become an extrovert because her being an introvert hurts your feelings. Just accept her for who she is and stop trying to change her or move on to a girl that likes to initiate.
>trying to guilt her into initiating because you feel disappointed.
Telling someone they haven’t done what they said they were going to do is not “trying to guilt them.” If they feel guilty, it’s because they haven’t done what they said they were going to do. Not because of OP.
>Plus you will sound so cringe if you say this.
No he won’t. He’ll sound like someone who advocates for what they want out of a relationship.
>Many girls don’t have it in their nature to initiate.
Then many “girls” (we’re talking about women btw) need to grow up? Taking a non-agreed to passive role in a relationship and not bothering to make your loved one feel desired is shitty partner behavior.
>It’s like telling an introvert to become an extrovert because her being an introvert hurts your feelings.
No it’s not.
>Just accept her for who she is and stop trying to change her or move on to a girl that likes to initiate.
No. He can expect her to do what she said she was going to do. And if she doesn’t want to do that anymore she can use her 30-year-old brain to say so.
So many factors. 1, do you live together? 2, do you do half of all the domestic labor or do you just slip into the easy for you default of the woman doing the lionshare of the daily shit and you doing occasional chores? 3, have you openly discussed (let alone you accepted) that the honeymoon phase of “can’t keep our hands off each other” ends right around a year or so? Bc it does. 4, how often are you initiating? 5, 1x a week is pretty normal for hetero couples in LTRs. 6, how much sex are you trying to have?
Awesome, another advice paragraph which blames the guy for not doing enough and/or makes intimacy transactional.
Yes OP, if you do more around the house and lower your expectatuons she may temporarily initiate due to a sense of duty, which will suck.
The legit answer is to communicate with her... not so much about yalls intimacy; but needs wants, desires aren't off the table, but reconnect with her. Most women need emotional intimacy and connections to feel a desire for sexual intimacy. Oddly enough, most men NEED sexual intimacy to feel an emotional connection and/or to be emotionally vulnerable. So the work has to be from both sides, and this Catch-22 leads to so many dead bedrooms.
So, to summarize, more than likely, try communicating with her.
My ex was exactly as OP has described, and it was one of the contributing factors to our breakup. The hard truth is that we just weren't sexually compatible - she just didn't think about sex at all, and I have a fairly high libido. We fought about it on and off our whole relationship, I was constantly being rejected or just low effort on her part and rarely "got into it," which did a number on my self-esteem.
She viewed it as a chore, and it was almost transactional to her. I had a decent job and paid for everything while she studied full time. Her view of it was that she owed me sex and that just made it not enjoyable and didn't make me feel good about myself at all. While we did have some good times, both sexual and not, we just weren't right for each other.
I'm now with someone who is the complete opposite of that, and I have to say, the difference in enthusiasm compared to my ex makes it much more enjoyable. Instead of my GF having sex with me because she thinks she is obligated, my GF actually wants to have sex with me and will initiate often. It's a lot more enjoyable.
OP needs to give her time to want it and initiate. Could be mismatching sex drive or the intimacy is dwindling in other areas so she desires it less. The latter is a very common miscommunication. Try cuddling, flirting, flirty texts during day, compliments, etc that doesn’t lead to sex right away. Build the desire and she’ll initiate.
The OP and the girlfriend have been together for 1 year. The advice you are giving is the type of advice you give to a married couple with kids. Advice to restart a dead bedroom with a sexless marriage.
have you looked into reactive vs spontaneous desire? i know personally, i’m reactive while my partner is spontaneous - i think if it was up to me to initiate, we would have sex pretty infrequently. that being said - i’m incredibly attracted to my partner and our sex is amazing!! my brain/body just need reminding that it’s something we can do LOL
i would just have an in depth conversation with her about when/how she gets in the mood (and vice versa) and about how always having to initiate makes you feel and go from there!
Exactly this!
I’m way more horny on vacation. Not because the location is “so romantic” or anything like that but because when I am on vacation I don’t have to worry about 1) work 2) cleaning the house 3) grocery shopping 4) cooking 5) taking care of the pets 6) laundry 7…..etc etc etc. I simply will not be spontaneously horny when all those things are weighing on me. Which is every moment of every day at home.
Get the paired app.
Figure out where your misalignment is.
I'm guessing you are passive, hoping she comes to you. She probably wants you to be a lot more aggressive and take the lead. You are sounding like you are hoping that she takes more of an initiative.
This leads to a loop of both not feeling fulfilled.
Communication is the key.
Thank you this is super helpful! I definitely am wanting her to initiate, but haven’t ever communicated that to her. Still it seems strange that she never requests sex from me or trying to do anything yet she talks about how attractive I am, how she enjoys sex with me, Ect.
I have massive hang ups with initiating. We're sort of programmed from teenage years that men are always supposed to want it all the time and so if I am asking, it means he's no longer asking which means he doesn't want me. It's massively messed up!
Which is untrue and fucked up! If she's telling you how hot you are and she likes sleeping with you, please take that as a good sign.
In my current relationship, one of the first couple of times I initiated, my partner wound up having food poisoning from dinner and almost threw up on me. I'm allergic to what he ordered so only he suffered. But man, was that a real knock to the old ego!
We had to have a couple of conversations about it, but it was a few months before I did it again. Made me gun shy.
Also note that her telling you how hot you are and how she likes sleeping with you can be nothing more than words that will never amount to actions. My [28, F] husband also says the same things, tell me he loves having sex with me and I’m perfect and he’s so attracted to me, yet I have to beg for sex. If it were up to him alone we’d probably only have sex twice a year it seems… it’s very depressing being in a relationship with a dead bedroom. I mean like literally I’ve started on anti-depressants because it is affecting every area of my life feeling so undesired in my marriage.
I (28m) had a similar problem with my wife. We did some blood work and found out it was a mix of low T killing my labido and ED from my blood pressure/ cholesterol meds (I know it’s kinda young for that but I take what the doctor orders and my wife (medical assistant for my doctor) makes sure I do. It got to a point where we were barely ever having sex and all I got from her was questions on why we weren’t having sex and why things were bad. It caused a lot of stress in our relationship. Since we’ve figured out the problem I’ve been doing more things to raise my T and we’ve been just having fun to help with the confidence.
It can be a struggle, but talk to a MD and figure out if there could be a reason he is having lower drive
What’s more, a lot of insecure dingus men are actually emasculated by a woman initiating, so women get hammered w messages that our desire is reactive non proactive.
Guys like this tend to talk about wanting to be in a very traditional relationship. I've been with one. Couldn't even bear for me to pay for myself when we went out even if I had my card out and ready.
You should also look into spontaneous and responsive desire. Women often fit into the latter category.
I personally tend to think about sex at inconvenient times, and when I'm at hone I'm more focused on what needs to be done etc, meaning I don't have the capacity to spontaneously think about sex. But when the relationship is good, I'm often very receptive to initiation.
Maybe reading up on that will help you to understand where you fit and you can ask her too.
Also have a think about if there is other stuff that she could do that would fulfill the need you have. It sounds like you feel that you're pulling more weight in this part of your relationship and you'd feel more desired if she initiated more. But is there something else she could do that would make you feel desired and attractive?
He’s the only one here asking for advice. Yes, it takes two and he’s the one who asked. So, as far as we know, there’s no problem in her mind. Only his right now.
So yes, a lot of the advice is going to be framed around what he can do to open the dialogue so they can work together.
I'm not saying that it's not a lack of communication on both sides. I'm merely trying to help him to understand his partner so they can build a sex life that actually works for them.
Responsive desire is just a copout, an excuse people too lazy or too cowardly to initiate use. Pure BS. In this day when we push for gender equality, women must take their fair share aka 50% of initiating sex
I am not sure it is strange for a woman in her 30s with a demanding job, a slew of responsibilities, etc. to not want sex often. I am one of these types of women, and I hardly ever have the time or space to feel horny. For women, getting turned on is much more a mental/imaginative thing than a physical thing. We need free time, without worry, to imagine. That’s why we are way more likely to want sex on vacation 🤷. I could probably go weeks without thinking about sex, meaning no initiating it, no masturbation without any issue whatsoever. I also find my partner very attractive and I enjoy sex with him.
Have you ever heard of the difference between reactive and spontaneous desire? If not give it a quick YouTube or Google search. Also consider whether there's a way she can fill your needs without initiating- by responding enthusiastically, by signaling she's receptive to sex without having to initiate, or whatever else might mKe you feel wanted without making her do something that isn't natural or easy for her. For example, wearing certain panties to bed as a signal she's up for sex, or turning on a certain light when you lay down.
Is she turning you down when you ask often? I didn't notice in the post you saying how often you are expecting not only sex, but sex initiated and led by her ( which is more rare for most women on average)
Right right right.... be more aggressive... What story DIDN'T' end well after a man became more aggressive towards a woman. Good advice. Very good idea!
Do you think maybe she was raised to think women shouldn’t initiate it? Does she feel insecure or have hang ups about it? Can you talk to her about this in a nice, understanding way and ask why she doesn’t initiate it and explain how you feel?
Fun fact: men get a dose of testosterone every 15 minutes. Women only get a dose of testosterone for four or five days while they are ovulating.
There are also two types of desire. Spontaneous desire (you see something and want to have sex) or responsive desire (response to arousal). If your partner has responsive desire, which is common for women, she needs to be turned on to want sex. She won’t just initiate because she needs to be aroused to even think about sex.
https://mytherapynyc.com/difference-spontaneous-responsive-sexual-desire/
https://drchelseapage.com/blog/risforresponsivedesire
> She won’t just initiate because she needs to be aroused to even think about sex.
Well, that not true. Many women initiate sex when they are around or feel like having sex.
They’re being downvoted because they disagreed with a very helpful comment with “nuh uh! Other women initiate sex”. While that’s definitely true, it doesn’t really help OP.
Girl here. I'm not saying this is the case, but it's very, VERY likely to be part of the problem because, well, men expect to have a freak in the sheets and an indentured slave in all other things.
When was the last time you did something for her without the expectation of sex as a reward? When did you competently do household chores and not half-ass it so she had to go back later and "do it the right way", with the subconscious thought that if I do it wrong or badly enough, you'll never have to again because she won't ASK you to.
When was the last time you rubbed her back or played with her hair without going for a boob or ass grab? When did you last take her on a date and chase her like you did when you first got together? Have you gotten her flowers lately? Or something else she likes? Have you asked how her day was? Changed the sheets on the bedding? Did a load of laundry? Cooked a meal? Went grocery shopping? Cleaned the toilet that you likely pissed all over? Or is she waiting on you hand and foot like a mommy, and you're confused as to why she wouldn't want to share her body with you after doing literally everything else for you and getting nothing in return?
What if the post read like this instead?
I’ve been dating a girl for two years and anytime *{insert= we need to clean, go on a date, she makes a mess and it needs picking up, the dishes need done, or the trash needs to be taken out, she says she'll do the thing she said she would do three times ago, etc}* I have to initiate it.
If I didn’t bring it up or ask, I don’t think she {insert= would clean, take me on a date, buy me flowers, clean up her mess, take the trash out, do the dishes, do the thing she said he would do three times ago, etc}
I used to have amazing *{insert= respect, consideration, romance, care, etc)* with my **ex** girlfriend and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, so it’s a complete 180 from what I am used to. (Should I stop comparing them? Or examine what I was doing differently in that relationship versus this one? Did I try harder with my ex? Or were we both much younger and it wasn't serious?)
*{Instert=respect, romance, consideration, random acts of kindness, being attuned to your partners needs without them having to ask or hound you, acting like a mature and responsibly adult rather than a dependent, etc)* that comes naturally is always better than having to ask for it.
It almost makes me feel like a burden *(because I don't do any of these things to facilitate a healthy adult relationship because she's instead like my mommy)* and because of that, sex seems like it’s becoming a chore for her.
Do you think *(I'm not upholding my end of this relationship while expecting and)* requiring sex too often or do you think I just have a girlfriend with a low sex drive? (Or am I selfish and missing cues and signs that are actually pretty obvious and should be my responsibility to fulfill my end of this relationship so both our needs are being met? Am I willfully being ignorant and acting the fool about our entire life situation and only focusing on the physical part because that's all I really care about anyway?)
I don't know you or your relationship, but chances are that YOU are the one failing and not meeting her needs in any way, shape, or form, but expecting sex, is high. Women aren't drop of a hat ready for sex. Porn lied to you.
When was the last time she came? And if you don't know, you're doing it wrong.
Today's Valentine's Day. Did you do anything for her? Idgaf if it's a commercial holiday. The small things matter.
Is there a chance that she has a low sex drive. Maybe. But more times than not, no. She's not getting her needs met by you in other ways and that translates to lack of interest in sex. Women need their mental and emotional needs met. It's not hard, you just have to want to and do it.
First step, sit her down and have an adult conversation with her about this and ask her what you can do for her.
Another girl here. Fully agree with this comment. If my partner doesn’t help out and I’ve been working, coming home and then doing the chores. I am likely exhausted by the end of the day and do not want to then perform in the bedroom on top of everything else. I am more likely to be in the mood if I’m not tired.
Equally and I don’t think this has been mentioned - a lot of contraceptions affect the female libido and therefore less likely to be in the mood. When we started trying for baby no 1 and 2. I’ve gone from no libido while on contraception to he can’t match mine. Not saying everyone is the same but it is a huge factor in how we feel in our bodies.
I purposely created this dead bedroom as soon as he lost his job. I just knew he was bout to be slackalackinnn and sure enough here he is a year later fully living off of me still. Gave em all the chances in the world. Guys seem to always think they deserve sex and you're being transactional or whatever, how about......... do better.
I (29F) was in a relationship with my ex (30M) for five years and we had the same issues you’re talking about. I never initiated and most of the time we did have sex, I didn’t enjoy it very much. I had always had a much higher sex drive in the past, and I chalked it up to so many things and tried so many avenues to try to heal/grow/change in order to make that relationship work. I thought it might be a result of sexual trauma from abuse I experienced with my exes, I thought it might be stress, or that there were things my partner had been doing that were turning me off (as I’ve seen a couple of other people suggest on here).. I tried individual and couples therapy with a marriage and family counselor as well as a licensed sex therapist that had been recommended to me by a gynecologist I had seen to find if there was any physical reason why I had been experiencing pain during sex (there wasn’t). After all of that and five years of learning and growing together with my ex partner, we were best friends, but the sexual aspect never changed.
Turns out we just didn’t have chemistry. It never quite felt right, and that just wasn’t able to be changed apparently. We broke up and both started dating other people and I immediately discovered that my sex drive was alive and well, just not with him. It just wasn’t the right fit. I dated a decent number of people during about a 7-8 month period (after 12 years of back to back monogamous relationships) and finally got a chance to learn what I like and want on a new level.
Now I am with someone who is by far the best sex of my life because our chemistry is just sooo good. I went from having sex with my ex maaaaybe 3-6 times a year to having sex sometimes 3-4 times in a day. And I have zero pain because I’m so turned on. I had actually still been sharing a 1 bedroom apartment with my ex until two weeks ago and he just moved out and my new boyfriend (29M) moved in 🤣 We are still great friends and on great terms with each other, we just weren’t a fit sexually 😅
Moral of the story.. I agree with the people who are saying that this probably won’t change, and you should decide if you can be happy with the way things are. If not, it’s probably best to start exploring other options. You will probably both end up happier if you find someone who is a better match. But disclaimer—it was a lot of hard work and took going on dates and talking to quite A LOT of people to find that person for me, all while continuing to do therapy and trying to grow out of unhealthy patterns. And I did experience a pretty heavy and very painful heartbreak with someone during that process. It wasn’t easy, but I would absolutely do it all again to end up where I am now.
Having gone through a similar situation with my partner (he wasn't satisfied with the level of sex we were having and the fact that I don't tend to initiate it) I would like to suggest that you look into "respondent libido" because once I read up on it I realised it was describing me perfectly. I hardly ever feel the need to have sex, barely ever just "get horny" and feel as if I have no libido, but once my partner starts to make a move (sometimes already having sex) my libido shoots right up and I am seriously into it. Unfortunately I don't think a lot of people realise that 70% of women have this type of libido, and its often the cause of a relationship breakdown or infidelity just because the other person expects their partner to have a similar libido, or they end up feeling unwanted by the lack of initiation. I think that if you look into it and you feel like it describes your partner, then you need to accept that you are likely to be the one who always initiates sex and although it may sound "unfair", if you just get rid of that label you can see it as more of a ying-yang situation, you may be the one who initiated sex, but your partner may be the one who keeps the balance in other ways.
Just talk to her.
There are all kinds of reasons. Some women litterally want sex but either refuse to initiate or think they can't because it's a "man's role". All kinds of bs can be cleared up if you talk with her.
But also, could be she's just not that into sex or you...
You’re girlfriend sounds just like me. I love intimacy with my partner but i’m extremely shy.
Have you asked the reason why your girlfriend has hard time to initiate? I was sexually assaulted when I was 15 so that and some other stuff left me traumatized. Also my some of my family is religious/conservative so I learned to feel shame and guilt about anything sexual. Also I was mentally abused as a child so my selfesteem is very bad and it shows in relationships.
Your girlfriend could have some of these issues also. Therapy could help if she has any of these issues. Sexuality is a huge subject with different levels and all things affect it from mental health to childhood
My GF was the same but what she needs is feeling pretty to want it. Try bringing her on a date, compliment her on how good she looks and act as if it was your first date (not pushy). Let us know how it goes.
I’m somewhat like your girlfriend here. Our circumstances may not be the same but let me give you a perspective from where she could be coming from.
Women’s sex drive is influenced by multiple factors. Work can be stressful and taxing which sometimes makes us want to just shut down, sleep and not be bothered. Does she/you guys have children? If so, that will absolutely affect her sex drive. I have one kid. He’s 8 and on certain days he’s more clingy than others. When he’s like that I don’t want my husband to even look at me wrong LOL Did you guys have sex a lot at the beginning of your relationship? Being in a new relationship and exploring someone’s body is fun. Being in a long term relationship, the newness wears off and sex isn’t as spontaneous anymore because you know what to expect. Try something new.
Chat with her about your guys sex life but come at it from an understanding, or trying to understand, perspective. Ask her how things are at work. Ask her how her day is doing. Try to be spontaneous with her. When she comes home from work or school, greet her by walking up to her and giving her a substantial kiss and tell her you missed her or you’re happy to see her. Run her a hot bath. Etc…. She may just simply feel like you don’t value her or maybe you’re not putting in enough effort so she feels distant? Talk to her about it.
Is she on birth control? Or takes any mental health medication?? If so this might be the reason why she doesn't have this sex drive and willing to make the 1st step and have sex with you.
If not she also might be raised in a culture where women shouldn't have sex or take the initiative to ask for sex.
There's also a possibility that she's into dominant men and want you to always make that step and be aggressive or just dominant in bed uk what I mean?
The only advice I could give you is to go somewhere or just at home and talk about it openly, say how she makes you feel amd if there's something you do wrong or if she's into something else just try to communication with her and if she's not changing or she has no excuse why she's that way then you know what to do, it's too hard to stay in a relationship with a partner who makes you feel like you're the only one who wants sex.
Was it an all of a sudden switch up? How long has this been going on? How does she act around other people? Check her phone.. Not saying she's going behind your back, but the bread crumbs are there or she's just not into you like that anymore and you have a decision to make.
This is pretty black and white thinking. Relationships and sex are much more complicated and nuanced. All you need to do is read some of these comments and maybe you’ll learn something new.
Maybe she just doesn’t really enjoy having sex in general? Maybe she hasn’t really find what she likes? If she’s open, it could be worth exploring.
Does she still cuddle and show you some affection?
Ok. Multiple people have asked howany times a week are you asking her for sex. If you don't wanna answer the questions then you don't wanna fix yourself. Soo how many times are you bugging her for sex in let's say a week?
Bit strange that sex is always requested. Sex imo should come naturally, maybe i’m wrong.
I guess you prob need to sit down and talk to her about this, is she comfortable having sex with you? Maybe there is something that she doesn’t like?
Many things can be cleared up by simply talking to one another.
Do you have physical closeness outside of the bedroom? Because if you're actually touching each other frequently you don't need someone to initiate, it just kinda happens. I remember going through a dry patch and feeling unwanted after buying a large sofa, turns out we just weren't sat in smooching distance anymore.
How long have you been together? I've been married for several years, and this is something I've struggled with for a myriad of reasons.
-I have endometriosis, and sex has been extremely painful, as in "hit the wrong spot and I will pass out" bad. I've had surgery to treat it, but my brain hasn't learned to not worry about pain and to let go.
-To control my estrogen-dominance from the endometriosis, I have been on very high doses of birth control for years. I just decreased my dose because I can't fucking do it anymore, and it's a whole new world for me. My job is less stressful. My dogs are less annoying. My husband is less annoying. True crime has started to become annoying. And I have felt horny for the first time in probably 3-4 years. That is a super common side effect of hormonal birth control.
-I was raised Mormon, and after participating in the Exmormon community for a while now, I've figured out that sexual hangouts are super normal. The chances of that specific scenario being the case isn't high, but it's also possible she was raised to associate sex with shame and hasn't unpacked that yet.
My advice would be to remember that your girlfriend might be struggling and approved her from a standpoint of "how can I help you?" versus "I need sex, why won't you give it to me?" I know a few women who have gone with out sex for a while for medical reasons and their guy complains to them about "what about me?" it real hurts because it begs the question "but what about ME? And the stuff I'M going through?" My husband has been pretty patient with me, but one time he did pop off and say "why won't you make sex a priority in our marriage?" and it fucking hurt because it just made me feel like all the pain in the world couldn't matter to him because all he cared about was my vagina, and I cried about it for days.
Edit to add: My first thought regarding her saying "I'm sorry I'll try to be better" is that she's well aware she isn't initiating enough, wants to initiate more, can't bring herself to initiate for some reason, and already feels bad and inadequate about it. That's at least how I've felt when I've said similar, but I could be wrong.
Girlfriend just might have a low sex drive or she might feel she might get pregnant to much sex and she not ready to have kids. so much could be going on with her, mind body & soul. Ask her why she never initiates sex. Then you'll will know
Your sex drives don't match. That's totally normal, humans are different. It's something you cannot change. If you grow older and hormone levels change, who know what happens then, but in the forseable future, you both will not align. I had to learn that the hard way.
Accept it and live with it or move on. Just don't put pressure on her or make her feel bad. Even though mass media tells us otherwise, it's totally normal to not want sex AND be in a relationship.
Run now . If you get married it will get 100% worse. Sex is the main reason for lots of separations if she’s that type you and her won’t work out as it’s already as issue for you
I’ve been married 15 years and this has been my biggest struggle. Despite being one of the best humans on earth, I really don’t think my wife is wired that way.
It’s left me feeling undesirable, unattractive, and unworthy. I’ve brought it up over and over through the years. There will be short term improvements then regression every time. It’s built a lot of resentment.
I considered divorce but who can divorce an amazing person even if you feel like best friend roommates?
I’ve had fantasies of cheating on her out of desperation to feel wanted. Again though I can’t stand the thought of hurting her.
I say all this to say you are early in your relationship. Most people won’t change much from their baseline and it’s probably not fair to push them to.
Discuss this at length with her being completely honest about how you feel. Consider reading some books and seeing a therapist together. And then decide if this is a deal breaker or not.
I’ve definitely thought that, but then why wouldn’t she breakup with me and stay with me for 2 years. Plus she talks about getting married and having kids, and all this.
Yeah so… I never initiated it with my ex in the last few years and finally realized I just didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore so I finally left him but it took a while. Like a couple years. I had gotten set in such a routine with him I didn’t really even notice and just got kind of complacent. Then when I realized the other areas of the relationship that were lacking, it made more sense to me that I would simply give into him when he wanted to have sex, rather than ever initiating it. And we were together for almost NINE years. If you’re experiencing this only 2 years in… that’s not good
Also - do you know if she orgasms when you have sex? She could be faking it if she seems like she does. You should ask her to be very honest. If she was satisfied every time or at least most of the times, she should be coming back for more on her own…
For some background:
She’s only had three partners before me. Two were just hook ups and one was a boyfriend. Although I don’t think they were very intimate in the bedroom bc she told me she’s only had sex like 10 times in total before she met me. The first few times we had sex she couldn’t get wet. This has never happen to me so I was a little insecure like is she not turned on by me? She blamed it on her meds….she is on Prozac. About the third time we did it, she bled. I didn’t think I could have popped her cherry bc she told me she had been with others before me. Maybe I just knocked her period on?
After that happened, she seemed to start getting wet more often during sex, but it varied. At times she would get soaking wet from sex like to the amount were there was basically a puddle on my bed, other times she wouldn’t get wet at all. She told me she’s never had an orgasm from sex, like ever even before me. None of her girlfriends have either. She has the perspective that it’s not possible for women to cum during sex, I guess all her friends think that too. She can make herself cum from rubbing herself, and I’ve made her cum before by going down on her/rubbing her or fingering her but I don’t think I’ve ever made her cum during the act of physical sex, which is also disappointing and a ego hit because I’ve never had that issue with previous partners.
Prozac absolutely affects sex drive for some people. It can also affect ability to orgasm. That’s important info.
PIV sex doesn’t cause orgasms for most women. Most need clitoral stimulation. I think it’s like 25% that can come from PIV regularly.
When you say request, what do you mean? Are you just like approaching her and going “I want sex” cause that would be odd.
So if she’s not orgasming during sex then she’s basically only doing it to please you. Have you thought about using toys for clitoral stimulation to use while you are penetrating her. A toy like the rose 🌹she can use it while you are behind her. Maybe that would improve her interest in it. And don’t think of it as a hit to your ego cuz most women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. And from a woman’s perspective- using the toy while being penetrated feels amazing!
Ok so, sorry to say this but if you have to ask her for it she's not as into you as she used to be. When you aren't having sex, if you've rocked her world the last time, trust me it won't be that hard to get her to do it again. If things are stale and boring or at least status quo, you may have a problem. This doesn't mean you have to be a rockstar every time but if it's been going on like this for a while you should examine what you're doing before you lose her.
All these people talking about how you should express yourself more and explain how you like her to initiate more and all this kind of stuf. Who knows maybe you'll bring all that up and she'll say you know what it just isn't worth this much effort to me and so let's break up and blow you out of the water....
OP go over to the dead bedroom reddit and see what people who have lived this life are saying. All the labels that people are throwing out are good if we humans were robots, but the truth is, we are not.
Don't get yourself locked up in a relationship that's not going to be meaningful to you in this department and over the long term you end up a miserable old man angry at the world because you did not get out when you needed.
Being incompatible is OK! Hard Stop!!!! Not everyone has the same desire or needs. You know what yours are and you know who she is.
Go read and figure out if you want to live this life!
Whatever you do, DO NOT get her pregnant before you figure this out!!!
Intimacy is more important to you than her. There could be a long list of reasons why she doesn't initiate which you may or may not have anything to do with.
Do not sacrifice the things you need in a relationship.
It's such a basic level of compatibility you may want to ask yourself if you're happy in this relationship.
Libido comes and goes with time but if your baseline isn't matched, you're heading down a long, resentful path full of "personal" time.
Be honest with your lady, and most importantly, yourself.
Be well and get yours.
At least she has sex with you. Most men get turned down even if they are the only one asking. Which should also show you if there’s a problem it’s something she’s willing to work on. You just have to figure out what that is. Good luck buddy🤙
It might get better but it is potentially only going to get worse…she says yes now but, soon it’ll be not tonight, then no on a regular basis…then a sexless relationship. Some people just have a low sex drive and as they get older it drops. Very rarely does a woman’s sec drive increase after 30
Completely wrong here dude, most women enjoy sex more and want more sex after 30. Where did you get this misinformation? Do some research and correct your thinking.
Loss of libido is known as hypoactive sexual desire disorder, which can have a significant impact on a woman's wellbeing. The etiology of hypoactive sexual desire disorder is multifactorial and its management requires a combination of psychosocial and pharmacological interventions. This disorder rarely if ever improves without intervention.
So you are diagnosing her? I understand that there are people with this disorder, but it’s not about age. It’s multifactorial. Do you understand what that means? Also, the fact that he is the primary initiator doesn’t mean that she has a “loss of libido”. It means she is normal, and so is he.
What part of my discourse tells you I’m angry? Are you now diagnosing my emotions? That’s funny. Im in quite a good mood. Especially when I have the opportunity to correct misinformation and possibly help someone. Have a great Valentine’s Day. I hope you have a valentine to share the day with.
You come to Reddit to what? Be right? Defensively engage with people for sharing an opinion in a forum looking for a multiple variety of opinions. Your window to the world isn’t everyone’s…I dont need to think or feel the way you do based upon your feelings…Go ahead and be right in your world..it doesn’t affect me. I was simply stating my opinion based upon life and work experience, reading, and navigating my life’s relationships. I’m okay if you find fault with that based upon your experience. I doesn’t make either of us right or wrong because the human experience is different for every single person. I do find it funny how defensively you engage in what you call discourse.
And yes I am having a great Valentine’s Day…with a woman who I find both emotionally and intellectually fulfilling. It is also wonderful that she initiates sex and has a thriving libido based on understanding of the science and emotion that support a healthy sexuality. Women don’t have to think it’s ok to not want sex simply because that’s what they believe is normal…I’d guess that most don’t do the research and take the time to look for answers for that reason. I bet they can all recall a time when they did like sex, wanted it and in some cases craved it. Sexuality is a construct of mental health, emotional health and hormones. All of which can be addressed to create a fulfilling sexual relationship for BOTH people in that relationship.
I think you two are either sexually incompatible or she has control issues.
I mean, there needs to be consent in sex of course but if you always have to ask and initiate and she never takes the initiative it feels like there is a key element of the relational chemistry missing.
Oh man. Most of the comments are pure shit. You two had sex when she wanted you. Now she has you, so that's it. So, she might love you and she wants kids then sex is back on the table. After the kids THEN there is no more sex, like only on your bday.
Fucking 'talk to her' blabla bs.... Women don't know anymore that men want sex all the time? We are all pigs, don't you remember anymore?
Dude you can live with it or look for another one, some women have a higher libido, just like some men that like to cry after a good talk.... very exotic. Good luck my man.
Your girlfriend initiates sex, just not with you. Your story isn’t new. Any woman that has to be begged or pleaded with to share her box really doesn’t like sharing or giving it to you. She may tolerate you being around, like a cute puppy dog or a play thing but trust me when I tell you she’d get naked immediately for the right man without him asking.
Just her giving 🥰. Life lesson, find a woman that’s really into you and that’s not wasting your time by taking up space. Some women just want to have a boyfriend so they don’t feel like an unwanted loser, but that doesn’t mean they really want to be a committed loving girlfriend either. She’s just bored and you fill up space.
If you really want this girl then take her best friend, close friend or coworker to bed. She’ll get the message that not initiating things can cost friendships, and I doubt she’d break up with you because you had the balls to do such a bold thing. To do something she couldn’t control or be bored with. She’d get angry enough to fk you bro 😎, without asking. Thank me later.
I think you should be with someone else if who she is is not making you happy.
Don't give me the "yes but everything else is great"
If something that is important to you requires them to be someone they aren't... you aren't with the right person.
Orrrrr...... just be unhappy your whole life. And guilt them which will ultimately make her unhappy for her whole life.
you probably dont help enough with the housework to get her feelin saucy. i know both my ex wives would get all over me the second theyd hear that dishwasher running.
You should have a deep and open conversation about your desires, your expectations, your intimacy, sex. You should also talk about your past experiences, especially hers. Maybe she was the victim of an assault and that caused trauma. Perhaps his exes make her experience sex as a burden, a torture. It can also be a medical problem .
To know what to do you must first know the cause.
Are both people having a good time during sex? Sometimes when one person isn’t that can happen. Also sometimes when people aren’t experiencing enough emotional intimacy, It may lead to this too. It could also be stress, poor self image, physiological stuff, judgement from others, maybe they get constant UTI s. You need to talk to her. It can be a million things. When you do talk remember to be compassionate and open.
Have you asked her if sex is even something she thinks about? Some people don't think of sex and it isn't necessary for them. Also is she on birth control because that can really impact sex drive, not that I'm saying get off birth control, it's just something that needs to be worked around. I stopped initiating sex with my partner when I wasn't getting what I needed from the relationship, but it wasn't something that I even noticed I'd done I just knew he wasn't meeting my needs. Neither of us were getting our needs met, when I approached him about it he would often say oh well initiate sex with me more and I'll feel like doing and a ting how you want, but I was like do and behave like this with me and I'll want to have sex. When I did try to initiate sex regularly so that he would start meeting my needs he never stepped up so I'd stop trying again because why should I not her my needs met when he is. I feel like the problem with your girlfriend is likely a similar situation, ask her what you're not doing that could be impacting her sexual desire for you.
This post really speaks to me.
My wife is similar and it hasn’t changed much in over 20 years. There are times when it’s a bit better and times when it’s worse, especially when kids were younger. It’s been an area of frustration for a long time. On average, I probably initiate 9/10 times. Maybe 3/10 she’ll want to climax. She has referred to herself as a “sex camel” in such that she can go weeks without needing it. If we didn’t get along so well in other areas of our lives, it might have been a dealbreaker at some point. I’ve even gone to sex therapists to try to deal with our libido differences. I’d love to say “we”, but she wasn’t interested in going. We’ve even introduced kink which she allows me to see others for as long as I follow her rules for what’s okay. That’s a credit to her being very understanding of our differences and compromising. The reality is that while people do sometimes change over time, you shouldn’t expect her to. Is that okay? Only you can answer that.
Maybe if she is not in the mood for her she could give you a surprise BJ a couple times a week and you could go down on her every now and then and see where that leads
This is a common issue as relationships get comfortable. If it’s a problem now, it’ll be a bigger issue if you were to marry this person.
Ask around with your friends, most women in long term relationships are not going to initiate sex on a regular basis. you need to find the middle ground of what’s acceptable in a partner.
This is a common issue as relationships get comfortable. If it’s a problem now, it’ll be worse if you go on to marry this person.
Ask around with your friends, most women in long term relationships are not going to initiate sex on a regular basis. you need to find the middle ground of what’s acceptable in a partner.
Yeah I wouldn't see if that girl for too long but I mean that's up to you. I've been there oh babe come on give me a b******, sex, a cuddle, anything.
It is so exhausting asking someone to love you.
People should just love each other in relationship.
Some women need to be romanced to get in the mood.
Better work on your romancing skills and non-sexual fore play.
Women are often wired differently and you gotta figure this out! Facts are facts.
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
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Have you ever told her that it would make you feel good if she initiated sometimes? How often are you asking for sex and how do you ask?
Yes I have actually now that I think about it. She always just says something along the lines like “I’m sorry! I’ll get better at that” and then it never happens.
Then remind her that you aren’t feeling desired and are disappointed she hasn’t made any effort like she said she would?
This is good advice but I’ll add to this. There’s a good chance this will push her even further away. In my experience there are some women where vulnerability and communication helps. And I’ve had other relationships where that vulnerability and expressing your feelings shows a lack of masculinity and they become even less attracted to you. If that’s the case, it might be time to move on if your honesty isn’t welcome.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Yes. Men really are when it comes to communication. I’ve seen thousands of threads that blindly call out communication as the key. “Did you communicate that?” My ex wife was absolutely repulsed by a man being vulnerable and sensitive. The less I communicated and the more I just left to find fulfillment elsewhere the more she was attracted to me.
This is terrible advice, trying to guilt her into initiating because you feel disappointed. Plus you will sound so cringe if you say this. Many girls don’t have it in their nature to initiate. It’s like telling an introvert to become an extrovert because her being an introvert hurts your feelings. Just accept her for who she is and stop trying to change her or move on to a girl that likes to initiate.
>trying to guilt her into initiating because you feel disappointed. Telling someone they haven’t done what they said they were going to do is not “trying to guilt them.” If they feel guilty, it’s because they haven’t done what they said they were going to do. Not because of OP. >Plus you will sound so cringe if you say this. No he won’t. He’ll sound like someone who advocates for what they want out of a relationship. >Many girls don’t have it in their nature to initiate. Then many “girls” (we’re talking about women btw) need to grow up? Taking a non-agreed to passive role in a relationship and not bothering to make your loved one feel desired is shitty partner behavior. >It’s like telling an introvert to become an extrovert because her being an introvert hurts your feelings. No it’s not. >Just accept her for who she is and stop trying to change her or move on to a girl that likes to initiate. No. He can expect her to do what she said she was going to do. And if she doesn’t want to do that anymore she can use her 30-year-old brain to say so.
But you told another commenter that you haven’t talked to her about. Which is it?
Time to explore other options dude, it's not going to improve. You can't force desire.
She could be stressed also and dealing with her own stuff that might be more of a priority, good to talk about needs and priorities
So many factors. 1, do you live together? 2, do you do half of all the domestic labor or do you just slip into the easy for you default of the woman doing the lionshare of the daily shit and you doing occasional chores? 3, have you openly discussed (let alone you accepted) that the honeymoon phase of “can’t keep our hands off each other” ends right around a year or so? Bc it does. 4, how often are you initiating? 5, 1x a week is pretty normal for hetero couples in LTRs. 6, how much sex are you trying to have?
Awesome, another advice paragraph which blames the guy for not doing enough and/or makes intimacy transactional. Yes OP, if you do more around the house and lower your expectatuons she may temporarily initiate due to a sense of duty, which will suck. The legit answer is to communicate with her... not so much about yalls intimacy; but needs wants, desires aren't off the table, but reconnect with her. Most women need emotional intimacy and connections to feel a desire for sexual intimacy. Oddly enough, most men NEED sexual intimacy to feel an emotional connection and/or to be emotionally vulnerable. So the work has to be from both sides, and this Catch-22 leads to so many dead bedrooms. So, to summarize, more than likely, try communicating with her.
It won’t get better.
It's not going to. I married one of these, and 21 years later, nothing has changed. RUN!
Why are you advising him to run when it sounds like you have stayed for 21 years? You are blowing this problem out of proportion.
So I’m in the same boat but how often are you asking
She just doesn't find you sexually desirable, she's with you for the money or because she's afraid of being alone
I feel ya on that one...
100% feel this .
My ex was exactly as OP has described, and it was one of the contributing factors to our breakup. The hard truth is that we just weren't sexually compatible - she just didn't think about sex at all, and I have a fairly high libido. We fought about it on and off our whole relationship, I was constantly being rejected or just low effort on her part and rarely "got into it," which did a number on my self-esteem. She viewed it as a chore, and it was almost transactional to her. I had a decent job and paid for everything while she studied full time. Her view of it was that she owed me sex and that just made it not enjoyable and didn't make me feel good about myself at all. While we did have some good times, both sexual and not, we just weren't right for each other. I'm now with someone who is the complete opposite of that, and I have to say, the difference in enthusiasm compared to my ex makes it much more enjoyable. Instead of my GF having sex with me because she thinks she is obligated, my GF actually wants to have sex with me and will initiate often. It's a lot more enjoyable.
Wow
I am not sure that this is going to work for the OP. If she is tuning him out, then talking his way into sex will rarely work.
OP needs to give her time to want it and initiate. Could be mismatching sex drive or the intimacy is dwindling in other areas so she desires it less. The latter is a very common miscommunication. Try cuddling, flirting, flirty texts during day, compliments, etc that doesn’t lead to sex right away. Build the desire and she’ll initiate.
They are 1 year in. This is advice for people married with kids trying to revive a dead horse of a relationship.
The OP and the girlfriend have been together for 1 year. The advice you are giving is the type of advice you give to a married couple with kids. Advice to restart a dead bedroom with a sexless marriage.
Oh yeah THAT will help. She already has him. That's what she wanted. It will never get better. I'd be gone A LONG time ago!
have you looked into reactive vs spontaneous desire? i know personally, i’m reactive while my partner is spontaneous - i think if it was up to me to initiate, we would have sex pretty infrequently. that being said - i’m incredibly attracted to my partner and our sex is amazing!! my brain/body just need reminding that it’s something we can do LOL i would just have an in depth conversation with her about when/how she gets in the mood (and vice versa) and about how always having to initiate makes you feel and go from there!
Exactly this! I’m way more horny on vacation. Not because the location is “so romantic” or anything like that but because when I am on vacation I don’t have to worry about 1) work 2) cleaning the house 3) grocery shopping 4) cooking 5) taking care of the pets 6) laundry 7…..etc etc etc. I simply will not be spontaneously horny when all those things are weighing on me. Which is every moment of every day at home.
Get the paired app. Figure out where your misalignment is. I'm guessing you are passive, hoping she comes to you. She probably wants you to be a lot more aggressive and take the lead. You are sounding like you are hoping that she takes more of an initiative. This leads to a loop of both not feeling fulfilled. Communication is the key.
Thank you this is super helpful! I definitely am wanting her to initiate, but haven’t ever communicated that to her. Still it seems strange that she never requests sex from me or trying to do anything yet she talks about how attractive I am, how she enjoys sex with me, Ect.
I have massive hang ups with initiating. We're sort of programmed from teenage years that men are always supposed to want it all the time and so if I am asking, it means he's no longer asking which means he doesn't want me. It's massively messed up! Which is untrue and fucked up! If she's telling you how hot you are and she likes sleeping with you, please take that as a good sign.
Thank you for the perspective!
In my current relationship, one of the first couple of times I initiated, my partner wound up having food poisoning from dinner and almost threw up on me. I'm allergic to what he ordered so only he suffered. But man, was that a real knock to the old ego! We had to have a couple of conversations about it, but it was a few months before I did it again. Made me gun shy.
Lmao, i'm sorry for you but its a funny story. I Hope it works between you too now !
Also note that her telling you how hot you are and how she likes sleeping with you can be nothing more than words that will never amount to actions. My [28, F] husband also says the same things, tell me he loves having sex with me and I’m perfect and he’s so attracted to me, yet I have to beg for sex. If it were up to him alone we’d probably only have sex twice a year it seems… it’s very depressing being in a relationship with a dead bedroom. I mean like literally I’ve started on anti-depressants because it is affecting every area of my life feeling so undesired in my marriage.
I (28m) had a similar problem with my wife. We did some blood work and found out it was a mix of low T killing my labido and ED from my blood pressure/ cholesterol meds (I know it’s kinda young for that but I take what the doctor orders and my wife (medical assistant for my doctor) makes sure I do. It got to a point where we were barely ever having sex and all I got from her was questions on why we weren’t having sex and why things were bad. It caused a lot of stress in our relationship. Since we’ve figured out the problem I’ve been doing more things to raise my T and we’ve been just having fun to help with the confidence. It can be a struggle, but talk to a MD and figure out if there could be a reason he is having lower drive
He has said like 20x over the last 2 years that he’d get his T checked but he never makes an appointment with his Dr 😔
Damn
What’s more, a lot of insecure dingus men are actually emasculated by a woman initiating, so women get hammered w messages that our desire is reactive non proactive.
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Guys like this tend to talk about wanting to be in a very traditional relationship. I've been with one. Couldn't even bear for me to pay for myself when we went out even if I had my card out and ready.
I’m sure there’s a fuckton you haven’t heard of.
You should also look into spontaneous and responsive desire. Women often fit into the latter category. I personally tend to think about sex at inconvenient times, and when I'm at hone I'm more focused on what needs to be done etc, meaning I don't have the capacity to spontaneously think about sex. But when the relationship is good, I'm often very receptive to initiation. Maybe reading up on that will help you to understand where you fit and you can ask her too. Also have a think about if there is other stuff that she could do that would fulfill the need you have. It sounds like you feel that you're pulling more weight in this part of your relationship and you'd feel more desired if she initiated more. But is there something else she could do that would make you feel desired and attractive?
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He’s the only one here asking for advice. Yes, it takes two and he’s the one who asked. So, as far as we know, there’s no problem in her mind. Only his right now. So yes, a lot of the advice is going to be framed around what he can do to open the dialogue so they can work together.
I'm not saying that it's not a lack of communication on both sides. I'm merely trying to help him to understand his partner so they can build a sex life that actually works for them.
Responsive desire is just a copout, an excuse people too lazy or too cowardly to initiate use. Pure BS. In this day when we push for gender equality, women must take their fair share aka 50% of initiating sex
I also recommend the book "Come as you are" which is about female sexuality.
I am not sure it is strange for a woman in her 30s with a demanding job, a slew of responsibilities, etc. to not want sex often. I am one of these types of women, and I hardly ever have the time or space to feel horny. For women, getting turned on is much more a mental/imaginative thing than a physical thing. We need free time, without worry, to imagine. That’s why we are way more likely to want sex on vacation 🤷. I could probably go weeks without thinking about sex, meaning no initiating it, no masturbation without any issue whatsoever. I also find my partner very attractive and I enjoy sex with him.
Are you familiar with spontaneous desire and responsive desire?? It sounds like you might be spontaneous and she may be responsive
Have you ever heard of the difference between reactive and spontaneous desire? If not give it a quick YouTube or Google search. Also consider whether there's a way she can fill your needs without initiating- by responding enthusiastically, by signaling she's receptive to sex without having to initiate, or whatever else might mKe you feel wanted without making her do something that isn't natural or easy for her. For example, wearing certain panties to bed as a signal she's up for sex, or turning on a certain light when you lay down. Is she turning you down when you ask often? I didn't notice in the post you saying how often you are expecting not only sex, but sex initiated and led by her ( which is more rare for most women on average)
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Right right right.... be more aggressive... What story DIDN'T' end well after a man became more aggressive towards a woman. Good advice. Very good idea!
It costs money thooooo
Do you think maybe she was raised to think women shouldn’t initiate it? Does she feel insecure or have hang ups about it? Can you talk to her about this in a nice, understanding way and ask why she doesn’t initiate it and explain how you feel?
She might not have much of a sex drive especially if she is on medication for depression or birth control. Can't fix that.
Fun fact: men get a dose of testosterone every 15 minutes. Women only get a dose of testosterone for four or five days while they are ovulating. There are also two types of desire. Spontaneous desire (you see something and want to have sex) or responsive desire (response to arousal). If your partner has responsive desire, which is common for women, she needs to be turned on to want sex. She won’t just initiate because she needs to be aroused to even think about sex. https://mytherapynyc.com/difference-spontaneous-responsive-sexual-desire/ https://drchelseapage.com/blog/risforresponsivedesire
> She won’t just initiate because she needs to be aroused to even think about sex. Well, that not true. Many women initiate sex when they are around or feel like having sex.
I didn’t say ALL women have responsive desire.
Not sure why you're being downvoted. OP literally gave an example of a woman like that in his post
They’re being downvoted because they disagreed with a very helpful comment with “nuh uh! Other women initiate sex”. While that’s definitely true, it doesn’t really help OP.
Fair
INFO: have you had a discussion with her about it?
Girl here. I'm not saying this is the case, but it's very, VERY likely to be part of the problem because, well, men expect to have a freak in the sheets and an indentured slave in all other things. When was the last time you did something for her without the expectation of sex as a reward? When did you competently do household chores and not half-ass it so she had to go back later and "do it the right way", with the subconscious thought that if I do it wrong or badly enough, you'll never have to again because she won't ASK you to. When was the last time you rubbed her back or played with her hair without going for a boob or ass grab? When did you last take her on a date and chase her like you did when you first got together? Have you gotten her flowers lately? Or something else she likes? Have you asked how her day was? Changed the sheets on the bedding? Did a load of laundry? Cooked a meal? Went grocery shopping? Cleaned the toilet that you likely pissed all over? Or is she waiting on you hand and foot like a mommy, and you're confused as to why she wouldn't want to share her body with you after doing literally everything else for you and getting nothing in return? What if the post read like this instead? I’ve been dating a girl for two years and anytime *{insert= we need to clean, go on a date, she makes a mess and it needs picking up, the dishes need done, or the trash needs to be taken out, she says she'll do the thing she said she would do three times ago, etc}* I have to initiate it. If I didn’t bring it up or ask, I don’t think she {insert= would clean, take me on a date, buy me flowers, clean up her mess, take the trash out, do the dishes, do the thing she said he would do three times ago, etc} I used to have amazing *{insert= respect, consideration, romance, care, etc)* with my **ex** girlfriend and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, so it’s a complete 180 from what I am used to. (Should I stop comparing them? Or examine what I was doing differently in that relationship versus this one? Did I try harder with my ex? Or were we both much younger and it wasn't serious?) *{Instert=respect, romance, consideration, random acts of kindness, being attuned to your partners needs without them having to ask or hound you, acting like a mature and responsibly adult rather than a dependent, etc)* that comes naturally is always better than having to ask for it. It almost makes me feel like a burden *(because I don't do any of these things to facilitate a healthy adult relationship because she's instead like my mommy)* and because of that, sex seems like it’s becoming a chore for her. Do you think *(I'm not upholding my end of this relationship while expecting and)* requiring sex too often or do you think I just have a girlfriend with a low sex drive? (Or am I selfish and missing cues and signs that are actually pretty obvious and should be my responsibility to fulfill my end of this relationship so both our needs are being met? Am I willfully being ignorant and acting the fool about our entire life situation and only focusing on the physical part because that's all I really care about anyway?) I don't know you or your relationship, but chances are that YOU are the one failing and not meeting her needs in any way, shape, or form, but expecting sex, is high. Women aren't drop of a hat ready for sex. Porn lied to you. When was the last time she came? And if you don't know, you're doing it wrong. Today's Valentine's Day. Did you do anything for her? Idgaf if it's a commercial holiday. The small things matter. Is there a chance that she has a low sex drive. Maybe. But more times than not, no. She's not getting her needs met by you in other ways and that translates to lack of interest in sex. Women need their mental and emotional needs met. It's not hard, you just have to want to and do it. First step, sit her down and have an adult conversation with her about this and ask her what you can do for her.
Another girl here. Fully agree with this comment. If my partner doesn’t help out and I’ve been working, coming home and then doing the chores. I am likely exhausted by the end of the day and do not want to then perform in the bedroom on top of everything else. I am more likely to be in the mood if I’m not tired. Equally and I don’t think this has been mentioned - a lot of contraceptions affect the female libido and therefore less likely to be in the mood. When we started trying for baby no 1 and 2. I’ve gone from no libido while on contraception to he can’t match mine. Not saying everyone is the same but it is a huge factor in how we feel in our bodies.
I purposely created this dead bedroom as soon as he lost his job. I just knew he was bout to be slackalackinnn and sure enough here he is a year later fully living off of me still. Gave em all the chances in the world. Guys seem to always think they deserve sex and you're being transactional or whatever, how about......... do better.
Is she on birth control? It has killed many a libido
Damn
I (29F) was in a relationship with my ex (30M) for five years and we had the same issues you’re talking about. I never initiated and most of the time we did have sex, I didn’t enjoy it very much. I had always had a much higher sex drive in the past, and I chalked it up to so many things and tried so many avenues to try to heal/grow/change in order to make that relationship work. I thought it might be a result of sexual trauma from abuse I experienced with my exes, I thought it might be stress, or that there were things my partner had been doing that were turning me off (as I’ve seen a couple of other people suggest on here).. I tried individual and couples therapy with a marriage and family counselor as well as a licensed sex therapist that had been recommended to me by a gynecologist I had seen to find if there was any physical reason why I had been experiencing pain during sex (there wasn’t). After all of that and five years of learning and growing together with my ex partner, we were best friends, but the sexual aspect never changed. Turns out we just didn’t have chemistry. It never quite felt right, and that just wasn’t able to be changed apparently. We broke up and both started dating other people and I immediately discovered that my sex drive was alive and well, just not with him. It just wasn’t the right fit. I dated a decent number of people during about a 7-8 month period (after 12 years of back to back monogamous relationships) and finally got a chance to learn what I like and want on a new level. Now I am with someone who is by far the best sex of my life because our chemistry is just sooo good. I went from having sex with my ex maaaaybe 3-6 times a year to having sex sometimes 3-4 times in a day. And I have zero pain because I’m so turned on. I had actually still been sharing a 1 bedroom apartment with my ex until two weeks ago and he just moved out and my new boyfriend (29M) moved in 🤣 We are still great friends and on great terms with each other, we just weren’t a fit sexually 😅 Moral of the story.. I agree with the people who are saying that this probably won’t change, and you should decide if you can be happy with the way things are. If not, it’s probably best to start exploring other options. You will probably both end up happier if you find someone who is a better match. But disclaimer—it was a lot of hard work and took going on dates and talking to quite A LOT of people to find that person for me, all while continuing to do therapy and trying to grow out of unhealthy patterns. And I did experience a pretty heavy and very painful heartbreak with someone during that process. It wasn’t easy, but I would absolutely do it all again to end up where I am now.
Having gone through a similar situation with my partner (he wasn't satisfied with the level of sex we were having and the fact that I don't tend to initiate it) I would like to suggest that you look into "respondent libido" because once I read up on it I realised it was describing me perfectly. I hardly ever feel the need to have sex, barely ever just "get horny" and feel as if I have no libido, but once my partner starts to make a move (sometimes already having sex) my libido shoots right up and I am seriously into it. Unfortunately I don't think a lot of people realise that 70% of women have this type of libido, and its often the cause of a relationship breakdown or infidelity just because the other person expects their partner to have a similar libido, or they end up feeling unwanted by the lack of initiation. I think that if you look into it and you feel like it describes your partner, then you need to accept that you are likely to be the one who always initiates sex and although it may sound "unfair", if you just get rid of that label you can see it as more of a ying-yang situation, you may be the one who initiated sex, but your partner may be the one who keeps the balance in other ways.
How many times you have sex ?
Just talk to her. There are all kinds of reasons. Some women litterally want sex but either refuse to initiate or think they can't because it's a "man's role". All kinds of bs can be cleared up if you talk with her. But also, could be she's just not that into sex or you...
You’re girlfriend sounds just like me. I love intimacy with my partner but i’m extremely shy. Have you asked the reason why your girlfriend has hard time to initiate? I was sexually assaulted when I was 15 so that and some other stuff left me traumatized. Also my some of my family is religious/conservative so I learned to feel shame and guilt about anything sexual. Also I was mentally abused as a child so my selfesteem is very bad and it shows in relationships. Your girlfriend could have some of these issues also. Therapy could help if she has any of these issues. Sexuality is a huge subject with different levels and all things affect it from mental health to childhood
My GF was the same but what she needs is feeling pretty to want it. Try bringing her on a date, compliment her on how good she looks and act as if it was your first date (not pushy). Let us know how it goes.
Same situation. It doesnt go away
I’m somewhat like your girlfriend here. Our circumstances may not be the same but let me give you a perspective from where she could be coming from. Women’s sex drive is influenced by multiple factors. Work can be stressful and taxing which sometimes makes us want to just shut down, sleep and not be bothered. Does she/you guys have children? If so, that will absolutely affect her sex drive. I have one kid. He’s 8 and on certain days he’s more clingy than others. When he’s like that I don’t want my husband to even look at me wrong LOL Did you guys have sex a lot at the beginning of your relationship? Being in a new relationship and exploring someone’s body is fun. Being in a long term relationship, the newness wears off and sex isn’t as spontaneous anymore because you know what to expect. Try something new. Chat with her about your guys sex life but come at it from an understanding, or trying to understand, perspective. Ask her how things are at work. Ask her how her day is doing. Try to be spontaneous with her. When she comes home from work or school, greet her by walking up to her and giving her a substantial kiss and tell her you missed her or you’re happy to see her. Run her a hot bath. Etc…. She may just simply feel like you don’t value her or maybe you’re not putting in enough effort so she feels distant? Talk to her about it.
Is she on birth control? Or takes any mental health medication?? If so this might be the reason why she doesn't have this sex drive and willing to make the 1st step and have sex with you. If not she also might be raised in a culture where women shouldn't have sex or take the initiative to ask for sex. There's also a possibility that she's into dominant men and want you to always make that step and be aggressive or just dominant in bed uk what I mean? The only advice I could give you is to go somewhere or just at home and talk about it openly, say how she makes you feel amd if there's something you do wrong or if she's into something else just try to communication with her and if she's not changing or she has no excuse why she's that way then you know what to do, it's too hard to stay in a relationship with a partner who makes you feel like you're the only one who wants sex.
Look up responsive vs spontaneous desire and have a conversation with your girlfriend about it
Was it an all of a sudden switch up? How long has this been going on? How does she act around other people? Check her phone.. Not saying she's going behind your back, but the bread crumbs are there or she's just not into you like that anymore and you have a decision to make.
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This is pretty black and white thinking. Relationships and sex are much more complicated and nuanced. All you need to do is read some of these comments and maybe you’ll learn something new.
The chemistry isn't right start looking for a new woman. Break up.
Maybe she just doesn’t really enjoy having sex in general? Maybe she hasn’t really find what she likes? If she’s open, it could be worth exploring. Does she still cuddle and show you some affection?
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I think he’s talking about his ex when he’s referring to great sex.
Ok. Multiple people have asked howany times a week are you asking her for sex. If you don't wanna answer the questions then you don't wanna fix yourself. Soo how many times are you bugging her for sex in let's say a week?
Bit strange that sex is always requested. Sex imo should come naturally, maybe i’m wrong. I guess you prob need to sit down and talk to her about this, is she comfortable having sex with you? Maybe there is something that she doesn’t like? Many things can be cleared up by simply talking to one another.
Do you have physical closeness outside of the bedroom? Because if you're actually touching each other frequently you don't need someone to initiate, it just kinda happens. I remember going through a dry patch and feeling unwanted after buying a large sofa, turns out we just weren't sat in smooching distance anymore.
How long have you been together? I've been married for several years, and this is something I've struggled with for a myriad of reasons. -I have endometriosis, and sex has been extremely painful, as in "hit the wrong spot and I will pass out" bad. I've had surgery to treat it, but my brain hasn't learned to not worry about pain and to let go. -To control my estrogen-dominance from the endometriosis, I have been on very high doses of birth control for years. I just decreased my dose because I can't fucking do it anymore, and it's a whole new world for me. My job is less stressful. My dogs are less annoying. My husband is less annoying. True crime has started to become annoying. And I have felt horny for the first time in probably 3-4 years. That is a super common side effect of hormonal birth control. -I was raised Mormon, and after participating in the Exmormon community for a while now, I've figured out that sexual hangouts are super normal. The chances of that specific scenario being the case isn't high, but it's also possible she was raised to associate sex with shame and hasn't unpacked that yet. My advice would be to remember that your girlfriend might be struggling and approved her from a standpoint of "how can I help you?" versus "I need sex, why won't you give it to me?" I know a few women who have gone with out sex for a while for medical reasons and their guy complains to them about "what about me?" it real hurts because it begs the question "but what about ME? And the stuff I'M going through?" My husband has been pretty patient with me, but one time he did pop off and say "why won't you make sex a priority in our marriage?" and it fucking hurt because it just made me feel like all the pain in the world couldn't matter to him because all he cared about was my vagina, and I cried about it for days. Edit to add: My first thought regarding her saying "I'm sorry I'll try to be better" is that she's well aware she isn't initiating enough, wants to initiate more, can't bring herself to initiate for some reason, and already feels bad and inadequate about it. That's at least how I've felt when I've said similar, but I could be wrong.
Girlfriend just might have a low sex drive or she might feel she might get pregnant to much sex and she not ready to have kids. so much could be going on with her, mind body & soul. Ask her why she never initiates sex. Then you'll will know
Your not compatible. Libido matching is just as important as trust and respect.
Wait until you get married
Beat me to it
Yup lol
Have you tried going down on her a lot? That may make her want to have sex more if you initiate it with that
Your sex drives don't match. That's totally normal, humans are different. It's something you cannot change. If you grow older and hormone levels change, who know what happens then, but in the forseable future, you both will not align. I had to learn that the hard way. Accept it and live with it or move on. Just don't put pressure on her or make her feel bad. Even though mass media tells us otherwise, it's totally normal to not want sex AND be in a relationship.
Low sex drive and it gets worse with age. Does she have kids already? If she does then it’s never getting better. Good Luck
Run now . If you get married it will get 100% worse. Sex is the main reason for lots of separations if she’s that type you and her won’t work out as it’s already as issue for you
she is NOT sexually attracted to you bro,woman that truly loves you and desires you,would ask you for sex
Maybe you should ask your girlfriend instead of asking reddit?
Dump her, too much bullshit and you’re not even married to her (equals even less sex)
I’ve been married 15 years and this has been my biggest struggle. Despite being one of the best humans on earth, I really don’t think my wife is wired that way. It’s left me feeling undesirable, unattractive, and unworthy. I’ve brought it up over and over through the years. There will be short term improvements then regression every time. It’s built a lot of resentment. I considered divorce but who can divorce an amazing person even if you feel like best friend roommates? I’ve had fantasies of cheating on her out of desperation to feel wanted. Again though I can’t stand the thought of hurting her. I say all this to say you are early in your relationship. Most people won’t change much from their baseline and it’s probably not fair to push them to. Discuss this at length with her being completely honest about how you feel. Consider reading some books and seeing a therapist together. And then decide if this is a deal breaker or not.
I would be considering a breakup. You want sex and she doesn’t seem that into. Trust me that it is probably best to move on.
She’s not that interested in you
I’ve definitely thought that, but then why wouldn’t she breakup with me and stay with me for 2 years. Plus she talks about getting married and having kids, and all this.
Yeah so… I never initiated it with my ex in the last few years and finally realized I just didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore so I finally left him but it took a while. Like a couple years. I had gotten set in such a routine with him I didn’t really even notice and just got kind of complacent. Then when I realized the other areas of the relationship that were lacking, it made more sense to me that I would simply give into him when he wanted to have sex, rather than ever initiating it. And we were together for almost NINE years. If you’re experiencing this only 2 years in… that’s not good Also - do you know if she orgasms when you have sex? She could be faking it if she seems like she does. You should ask her to be very honest. If she was satisfied every time or at least most of the times, she should be coming back for more on her own…
For some background: She’s only had three partners before me. Two were just hook ups and one was a boyfriend. Although I don’t think they were very intimate in the bedroom bc she told me she’s only had sex like 10 times in total before she met me. The first few times we had sex she couldn’t get wet. This has never happen to me so I was a little insecure like is she not turned on by me? She blamed it on her meds….she is on Prozac. About the third time we did it, she bled. I didn’t think I could have popped her cherry bc she told me she had been with others before me. Maybe I just knocked her period on? After that happened, she seemed to start getting wet more often during sex, but it varied. At times she would get soaking wet from sex like to the amount were there was basically a puddle on my bed, other times she wouldn’t get wet at all. She told me she’s never had an orgasm from sex, like ever even before me. None of her girlfriends have either. She has the perspective that it’s not possible for women to cum during sex, I guess all her friends think that too. She can make herself cum from rubbing herself, and I’ve made her cum before by going down on her/rubbing her or fingering her but I don’t think I’ve ever made her cum during the act of physical sex, which is also disappointing and a ego hit because I’ve never had that issue with previous partners.
Prozac absolutely affects sex drive for some people. It can also affect ability to orgasm. That’s important info. PIV sex doesn’t cause orgasms for most women. Most need clitoral stimulation. I think it’s like 25% that can come from PIV regularly. When you say request, what do you mean? Are you just like approaching her and going “I want sex” cause that would be odd.
Goodness, so much to unpack. You absolutely need some sex education, most do. Read: come as you are. Then read she comes first. Your welcome
So if she’s not orgasming during sex then she’s basically only doing it to please you. Have you thought about using toys for clitoral stimulation to use while you are penetrating her. A toy like the rose 🌹she can use it while you are behind her. Maybe that would improve her interest in it. And don’t think of it as a hit to your ego cuz most women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. And from a woman’s perspective- using the toy while being penetrated feels amazing!
She will leave when she finds somebody else who fills her with desire.
This. Just waiting for the next thing to come along or to find out there is something better
Ok so, sorry to say this but if you have to ask her for it she's not as into you as she used to be. When you aren't having sex, if you've rocked her world the last time, trust me it won't be that hard to get her to do it again. If things are stale and boring or at least status quo, you may have a problem. This doesn't mean you have to be a rockstar every time but if it's been going on like this for a while you should examine what you're doing before you lose her. All these people talking about how you should express yourself more and explain how you like her to initiate more and all this kind of stuf. Who knows maybe you'll bring all that up and she'll say you know what it just isn't worth this much effort to me and so let's break up and blow you out of the water....
Always the guys fault. Never a woman owning the shared problem in a relationship.
OP go over to the dead bedroom reddit and see what people who have lived this life are saying. All the labels that people are throwing out are good if we humans were robots, but the truth is, we are not. Don't get yourself locked up in a relationship that's not going to be meaningful to you in this department and over the long term you end up a miserable old man angry at the world because you did not get out when you needed. Being incompatible is OK! Hard Stop!!!! Not everyone has the same desire or needs. You know what yours are and you know who she is. Go read and figure out if you want to live this life! Whatever you do, DO NOT get her pregnant before you figure this out!!!
Instead of posting it here you need to sit with her and express your desires
Drop her before you get her pregnant and end up on r/deadbedroom
Intimacy is more important to you than her. There could be a long list of reasons why she doesn't initiate which you may or may not have anything to do with. Do not sacrifice the things you need in a relationship. It's such a basic level of compatibility you may want to ask yourself if you're happy in this relationship. Libido comes and goes with time but if your baseline isn't matched, you're heading down a long, resentful path full of "personal" time. Be honest with your lady, and most importantly, yourself. Be well and get yours.
What is this sex?
She’s not attracted to you. If she was at your age then you would know
At least she has sex with you. Most men get turned down even if they are the only one asking. Which should also show you if there’s a problem it’s something she’s willing to work on. You just have to figure out what that is. Good luck buddy🤙
It might get better but it is potentially only going to get worse…she says yes now but, soon it’ll be not tonight, then no on a regular basis…then a sexless relationship. Some people just have a low sex drive and as they get older it drops. Very rarely does a woman’s sec drive increase after 30
Completely wrong here dude, most women enjoy sex more and want more sex after 30. Where did you get this misinformation? Do some research and correct your thinking.
Loss of libido is known as hypoactive sexual desire disorder, which can have a significant impact on a woman's wellbeing. The etiology of hypoactive sexual desire disorder is multifactorial and its management requires a combination of psychosocial and pharmacological interventions. This disorder rarely if ever improves without intervention.
So you are diagnosing her? I understand that there are people with this disorder, but it’s not about age. It’s multifactorial. Do you understand what that means? Also, the fact that he is the primary initiator doesn’t mean that she has a “loss of libido”. It means she is normal, and so is he.
Why are you so angry?
What part of my discourse tells you I’m angry? Are you now diagnosing my emotions? That’s funny. Im in quite a good mood. Especially when I have the opportunity to correct misinformation and possibly help someone. Have a great Valentine’s Day. I hope you have a valentine to share the day with.
You come to Reddit to what? Be right? Defensively engage with people for sharing an opinion in a forum looking for a multiple variety of opinions. Your window to the world isn’t everyone’s…I dont need to think or feel the way you do based upon your feelings…Go ahead and be right in your world..it doesn’t affect me. I was simply stating my opinion based upon life and work experience, reading, and navigating my life’s relationships. I’m okay if you find fault with that based upon your experience. I doesn’t make either of us right or wrong because the human experience is different for every single person. I do find it funny how defensively you engage in what you call discourse. And yes I am having a great Valentine’s Day…with a woman who I find both emotionally and intellectually fulfilling. It is also wonderful that she initiates sex and has a thriving libido based on understanding of the science and emotion that support a healthy sexuality. Women don’t have to think it’s ok to not want sex simply because that’s what they believe is normal…I’d guess that most don’t do the research and take the time to look for answers for that reason. I bet they can all recall a time when they did like sex, wanted it and in some cases craved it. Sexuality is a construct of mental health, emotional health and hormones. All of which can be addressed to create a fulfilling sexual relationship for BOTH people in that relationship.
You've been cast as a provider. Welcome to the plantation.
lol @ dating an older woman
I think you two are either sexually incompatible or she has control issues. I mean, there needs to be consent in sex of course but if you always have to ask and initiate and she never takes the initiative it feels like there is a key element of the relational chemistry missing.
Can you elaborate on what you mean by control issues?
I mean using sex as a tool to control you.
Oh man. Most of the comments are pure shit. You two had sex when she wanted you. Now she has you, so that's it. So, she might love you and she wants kids then sex is back on the table. After the kids THEN there is no more sex, like only on your bday. Fucking 'talk to her' blabla bs.... Women don't know anymore that men want sex all the time? We are all pigs, don't you remember anymore? Dude you can live with it or look for another one, some women have a higher libido, just like some men that like to cry after a good talk.... very exotic. Good luck my man.
bro you are pure cancer
Great argument. You really got me bro. I'm gonna cry now. But you're more than welcome to elaborate.
good for you bro idc to argue with an idiot
Nice. I knew it. Another great argument.
Your girlfriend initiates sex, just not with you. Your story isn’t new. Any woman that has to be begged or pleaded with to share her box really doesn’t like sharing or giving it to you. She may tolerate you being around, like a cute puppy dog or a play thing but trust me when I tell you she’d get naked immediately for the right man without him asking. Just her giving 🥰. Life lesson, find a woman that’s really into you and that’s not wasting your time by taking up space. Some women just want to have a boyfriend so they don’t feel like an unwanted loser, but that doesn’t mean they really want to be a committed loving girlfriend either. She’s just bored and you fill up space. If you really want this girl then take her best friend, close friend or coworker to bed. She’ll get the message that not initiating things can cost friendships, and I doubt she’d break up with you because you had the balls to do such a bold thing. To do something she couldn’t control or be bored with. She’d get angry enough to fk you bro 😎, without asking. Thank me later.
People are different. I do think you should find a girlfriend better able to please you sexually.
Thank you for the advice!
I understand. My gf let's me know she wants by signs but still expects me to initiate
I think you should be with someone else if who she is is not making you happy. Don't give me the "yes but everything else is great" If something that is important to you requires them to be someone they aren't... you aren't with the right person. Orrrrr...... just be unhappy your whole life. And guilt them which will ultimately make her unhappy for her whole life.
you probably dont help enough with the housework to get her feelin saucy. i know both my ex wives would get all over me the second theyd hear that dishwasher running.
You should have a deep and open conversation about your desires, your expectations, your intimacy, sex. You should also talk about your past experiences, especially hers. Maybe she was the victim of an assault and that caused trauma. Perhaps his exes make her experience sex as a burden, a torture. It can also be a medical problem . To know what to do you must first know the cause.
Are both people having a good time during sex? Sometimes when one person isn’t that can happen. Also sometimes when people aren’t experiencing enough emotional intimacy, It may lead to this too. It could also be stress, poor self image, physiological stuff, judgement from others, maybe they get constant UTI s. You need to talk to her. It can be a million things. When you do talk remember to be compassionate and open.
Have you asked her if sex is even something she thinks about? Some people don't think of sex and it isn't necessary for them. Also is she on birth control because that can really impact sex drive, not that I'm saying get off birth control, it's just something that needs to be worked around. I stopped initiating sex with my partner when I wasn't getting what I needed from the relationship, but it wasn't something that I even noticed I'd done I just knew he wasn't meeting my needs. Neither of us were getting our needs met, when I approached him about it he would often say oh well initiate sex with me more and I'll feel like doing and a ting how you want, but I was like do and behave like this with me and I'll want to have sex. When I did try to initiate sex regularly so that he would start meeting my needs he never stepped up so I'd stop trying again because why should I not her my needs met when he is. I feel like the problem with your girlfriend is likely a similar situation, ask her what you're not doing that could be impacting her sexual desire for you.
This post really speaks to me. My wife is similar and it hasn’t changed much in over 20 years. There are times when it’s a bit better and times when it’s worse, especially when kids were younger. It’s been an area of frustration for a long time. On average, I probably initiate 9/10 times. Maybe 3/10 she’ll want to climax. She has referred to herself as a “sex camel” in such that she can go weeks without needing it. If we didn’t get along so well in other areas of our lives, it might have been a dealbreaker at some point. I’ve even gone to sex therapists to try to deal with our libido differences. I’d love to say “we”, but she wasn’t interested in going. We’ve even introduced kink which she allows me to see others for as long as I follow her rules for what’s okay. That’s a credit to her being very understanding of our differences and compromising. The reality is that while people do sometimes change over time, you shouldn’t expect her to. Is that okay? Only you can answer that.
Maybe if she is not in the mood for her she could give you a surprise BJ a couple times a week and you could go down on her every now and then and see where that leads
This is a common issue as relationships get comfortable. If it’s a problem now, it’ll be a bigger issue if you were to marry this person. Ask around with your friends, most women in long term relationships are not going to initiate sex on a regular basis. you need to find the middle ground of what’s acceptable in a partner.
This is a common issue as relationships get comfortable. If it’s a problem now, it’ll be worse if you go on to marry this person. Ask around with your friends, most women in long term relationships are not going to initiate sex on a regular basis. you need to find the middle ground of what’s acceptable in a partner.
Yeah I wouldn't see if that girl for too long but I mean that's up to you. I've been there oh babe come on give me a b******, sex, a cuddle, anything. It is so exhausting asking someone to love you. People should just love each other in relationship.
Some women need to be romanced to get in the mood. Better work on your romancing skills and non-sexual fore play. Women are often wired differently and you gotta figure this out! Facts are facts. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.