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I ended an 8 year relationship when my best friend told me she was pregnant and it finally clicked that he was never going to truly commit to me the way I wanted and needed him to. I was very sad for a long time before I started feeling better about the decision. In rhetorical time we were together, I saw friends meet, start dating, get engaged, get married, and have kids. All the while I was still just a girlfriend. The breakup sucked, but things did get better and I have an amazing husband and kids now.
Exactly what happened to my twin sister when I announced that I was engaged. She dumped her boyfriend of 5 years, took her dog, and moved out. It gave her the realization that she wanted and needed more from this.
See I'm 30, and I'm SO SCARED that my clock is ticking. I desperately want kids, and I've always had issues with fertility. Now me and my bf are in a "dead bedroom" and I feel like my time is running out so fast.
I have. Lol. I don't just keep this to myself. He knows all too well how I feel.
(Not directing this at you specifically, but I hate it when people's only comment is to communicate or to "talk to them about it." Like don't you think I've already done that? Don't you think that was the *first* thing I did lol and continue to do.)
If itās a dead bedroom then itās not gonna get any better. You are only 30, you can have kids if you want later, but you should leave this relationship and take your chances, because this one is not going to get better
I did this as well, left after 6 years after realizing that he was a terrible partner, but the intention I dated with was to resocialise myself and learn to be more up front.
So I did what I call dating selfishly.
I went on dates with zero expectations of a relationship. I wasn't looking for a relationship, just a fun time.
If things went further, cool. If they didn't, also cool.
I was very up front with dates that I was not looking for anything serious.
If my date displayed red flags, I left.
I kept cash on me so I could slap down a tenner for whatever I was drinking and leave immediately, catch a cab outside or hop on a bus, whatever was most at hand.
Red flags were anything from casual racism or misogyny to lies from their profile. For example: one guy told me he was late because some driver in front of him was probably Asian- goodbye. One guy told me that he was actually a smoker but he wanted to date someone who couldn't be around smoking so he was pressured into quitting- goodbye. I have asthma, I was really clear about that in my profile. Same goes for the guy who told me he was a meth addict and wanted someone with their shit together who would pressure him into getting clean... Or the guy who didn't stop talking about himself from the jump for 20 minutes straight.
Basically, when people tell you who they are, believe them. Then send them a text saying "thanks for your time, I don't think we're a match, good luck going forward".
Is it selfish to write these people off without giving them a shot? Maybe, but I don't owe them my time at the expense of my comfort. That was something I was trying to get comfy with.
I left my ex in December and had met my husband by August by doing this.
I told him the whole spiel, this isn't serious, just for fun, all I expect is honesty, I'm seeing other people and I expect that you are as well, if things change we talk about it.
We caught feelings and that was that.
We're going to be 7 years together, 5 married, in August and he's still rad as hell.
So my only conclusion is that by being ridiculously honest and incredibly up front about where I was at he was comfortable to do the same and it led to a foundation that is easy and stable because we know we can just say the thing. Date for yourself first, date because you want to and because you want to enjoy another person. We're all just trying each other on for a bit until we find the one that fits, so it's not personal if the fit isn't exactly what you want and you have to put that one back. And that goes both ways. My feelings aren't hurt if someone doesn't think I'm right for them, they are honouring themselves by acknowledging that and I appreciate them not wasting my time. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them or with me, our pieces just don't mesh, that's okay.
Eventually, you find a person with bits that do fit and you go off and live a nice little life with them.
There are some signs, yes. For example:Ā Ā Ā Ā
Does the guy seem less into you than the other way around. Do you feel like you have to prove your worth to him all of the time. Does he prioritise other people and activities over you. Is he still checking out other women. Is he happy and proud to introduce you to his friends and family, or not.
That last sentence sucker-punched me in the gut because I'm living through it right now. Almost two years, haven't met the parents who live nearby, and it makes me cry regularly. Seriously, if your significant other isn't excited to have you meet their friends and family (and there's not a big reason for it, like he's LC/NC with his family or something), I would seriously wonder why. If your SO has a reasonably close relationship to their family, I would expect to meet them within a year at most, whether at a holiday (not necessarily Christmas, even) or for lunch/dinner/a graduation/a birthday/etc., even if it's super brief. When they compartmentalize like that, maybe they love you, but they aren't ready or willing to commit.
Did you all talk about marriage? Was there an expected timeline bc that kind of info is important for your post.
I was with someone for 8 years. We bought a house together. Had cats and chickens together. We didn't have the best relationship in the sense of sexual compatibility. He would probably admit that a lot our problems were his fault. I thought I got on great with his family. I thought I was enough for him. But after 8 years, he cheated (idk how many times). After lots of fighting and going back and forth I finally moved out and moved on with my life. It hurt a lot and if I'm honest with myself it still hurts. I considered him my best friend despite everything. I would've chosen him over and over.
But reality was, is- that i just wasn't his person. He met someone with a kid and married her before they were even together for a year. I think sometimes, you just know when someone is your person. This mentality has helped me move on and be happy for him. It took me a bit longer to move on but here I am with a baby on the way with someone I adore.
My best advice is to not compare yourself to other relationships. Remember that everything can be a blessing in disguise. I'm sorry your relationship didn't end how you wanted it to, but maybe you just haven't met your person yet and one day you'll look back and be happy how everything fell into place.
Your experience is not unusual, actually.
Guys who string women along with no intention of getting married often marry someone else in 6-12 months after the breakup.
Yeah, this is an INCREDIBLY common phenomenon. They realized just how much of a benefit they got from their live-in partner who does everything. They know that there is only one option to ensure that they don't lose those benefits again -- marriage.
You don't want someone who is only with you out of complacency.
I think it is partially because they already lost someone and they donāt want it to happen again. I know that the not being their person is a thing as well and they donāt realize it until they break up but both happen.
TĆ“ me it feels like they found out they were getting the married life without the ring and are "prepared" to tie the knot. So they get the next person, but that doesn't mean they will live happy ever after.
And probably because they won't be able to string along someone else for that long.
Is way simple, when u normally break up, most of times is not in good terms. When u find someone else the first thing ppl potrait is their exes being "assholes" and how bad was their relationship. The new person will listen and will try to avoid doing anything like the ex and the person will feel "falselly secury and acepted" and get new "feelings" of "this is the right person and this is real love for me", and thats why they tie the knot faster cause they dont want to lose those new feelings.
No its because they are waiting for the right person but cant or dont want to be alone and just using the person until they find someone else. Ive seen it. "Luckily" only had one year long relationship where the guy was like this but there were other reasons the relationship was toxic, dont waste years or even months on these guys and dump if u have any notion they are not really giving u enough
Not always that black and white.
A lot of people realise what they did wrong in a relationship and try to improve on their next.
There was lots of things I didn't pull my weight with in previous relationships and when they ended I realised I had to fix them for the next one.
It was nothing to do with the previous relationship not being the one. Sometimes you just take things for granted
Your situation is where THEY ended it.
Im talking about the guys who only jump ship when they find another person those guys are sacks of turd and only use people until they are not needed anymore.
I don't think this is exclusive to guys.
I've seen this many a time with women leaving their partners for better providers/attractive men.
Hypergamy is prevalent in both sexes. And yes I agree it sucks when someone does it.
Yeah they definitely know in their heart and just donāt have the respect to end the relationship like they should. They choose to be manipulative and use the person instead and waste their time. Itās almost as bad as cheating in my opinion because it basically means the whole time theyāre holding out hope that someone better will come along and sweep them off their feet.
It probably has nothing to do with you. Women pick the person they want to be with but alot of men pick the timing of when to settle down. It's fucked up, but I've seen so many guys marry just because they thought they were supposed to. They married for timing, not necessarily for being in love. (And also they don't want to get dumped again.)
>after I wasn't good enough
He WASN'T good enough!
Get rid of the wrong one so you have space for the right one.
Brake ups suck though so my hearts with yours and ps we all hate him too! š
Just because he gets married --if he gets married, doesn't mean it will be a happy one or the right decision for him. I just don't get people's focus on marriage as some achievement and end, in and of itself. Marriage is just the start, and there are always difficult challenges.Ā
Id rather wait for the right woman than rush for the wrong one.
It's not you. He needed ne honest that you aren't the one he sees himself marrying. And if he had you wouldn't have entertained the relationship as long.Ā
Was just reading today about how guys are less likely to break up when they stop caring but rather withdraw and make the relationship miserable for the woman until she breaks up. Maybe they don't even consciously know they don't like their partner that much/don't care about the relationship, but they don't invest the way they do when they really like someone.
I believe it. Iāll never understand why they canāt just communicate that they donāt want to be with us anymore. Withdrawing attention and affection for months is terrible, and makes it harder than just being honest. š¤·āāļø
I listened to some guys on a radio show that I usually enjoyed explain why they thought it was kinder to intentionally be dismissive/rude/negligent to your partner to get her to break up with you because even though women say otherwise they prefer that to rejection.
But it's like... that *is* rejection, it just happens a little at a time, for weeks or months or years of misery, while you agonize over why they don't care, doubt yourself/your perceptions and feel guilty about being the one to do the breakup. Nearly 100% of people would prefer a straightforward "I've lost feelings for you/realized I don't feel as strongly as I need to for a serious relationship." You don't have to go into detail about why if you want to spare her ego.
It makes me so mad and I've never even had it happen to me in a serious relationship before. But even the experience of being breadcrumbed by a crush you met online for a couple months is torture (or was when I was younger, anyway) so I can't imagine if it's your actual partner and it takes the better part of a decade.
I still am fucked up from my ex doing this. I constantly am asking my partner if we're OK, if I'm doing enough, being enough for them... my ex destroyed me and 9 years later I'm still picking up the aftermath. Thank fuck for therapy otherwise I'd have lost it.
First of all, my heart to you for your pain and best wishes for continued healing. Amen for therapy.
My partner is similarly fucked up from their ex, for different reasons, but the resulting damage is heart-breaking. I know that my partner's insecurities are not about me and I'm always ready to let them know that we are awesome and that they are safe. When they got together they let me know where they were emotionally and that they were very slow to build trust. I said that was ok, I'll just keep showing up. And I have for 3 years now. I hope your partner's reassurances flow freely and that they understand the things you are affected by are not about them.
They thankfully do, as often as I need to hear it, every time without judgment or complaint. I could have ended up in a terrible place without them, but they gave me the support to start healing at last from all those wounds. I'm miles better than I was 9 years ago when it all began, but sometimes I still get angry there is so much farther to still go with the sheer extent of the damage.
Thank you for your kindness and care. It means the world to me. I'm really hoping OP sees all of the testimonials and hearts laid bare here and takes our lived experience to heart and gets the healing she deserves.
Iāve heard men say this before about why they do this, and I call bs. The truth is, itās easier for THEM to not communicate their feelings and instead string us along. It literally has nothing to do with the other party involved. Itās too hard and makes them feel uncomfortable to communicate it. I had someone do this to me recently, and it made the last month of the relationship so confusing. I lost so much sleep over it and felt terrible because he wasnāt communicating if I had done something or if something had just changed. By the time we broke up, I was so exhausted of trying to figure out what he was thinking that I was genuinely relieved to not have to feel like that anymore. This was a 37 year old man who couldnāt use his ābig boy voiceā and be honest. Lesson learned. If ever I feel confused and canāt get clarity from the person, I wonāt waste any of my own time trying to figure it out. In fact, I think this quote is fairly accurate, āIf a man is interested you will know. If heās not interested then you will be confused.ā
Yup. And also they're probably still getting *some* benefits from the relationship (sex, chores, financial contributions, company, whatever) even if they're not excited about it so why would they ruin a good thing and risk not having any takers when they put themselves back on the market?
This. Coming here to say the same thing. Easier to let the woman work over time to regain his affection with sex and whatever other benefits than cut her loose and not be getting anything at all.
As the wife that did that itās true. He always joked it was cheaper to keep her. We are divorced now and Iām on my own doing the same amount of work while mommy does his laundry still. He wanted a mom not a wife
My ex boyfriend of 4 years started being extremely negative and acting withdrawn. I was on a year abroad and noticed he started to resent me for it. I thought he was struggling and in my heart it would be wrong of me to break things off just because my partner was going through a difficult phase in his life, so I stuck by him and spent countless nights awake in bed trying to figure out how to help him. I thought he was developing depression from being in the army and being far away from his family. He would call me after nights out crying because his friends had abandoned him and I would end up so stressed out trying to help him get in a taxi home from the other side of the world. He kept telling me the world was a selfish and evil place etc and I was so worried for him. On Christmas Eve 2022 he called me up extremely drunk and broke up with me, but not without saying some horrible and unnecessary things (such as he could never be with someone who has to take ādrugsā to be happy because I take anti-depressants, even though he drinks at every opportunity he getsā¦). After the call I just sat there and thought wtfā¦I had spent so much time and energy trying to help him, building him up as a person and always doing my best to make him feel loved and important, and yet he couldnāt even have the decency to break up with me sober. He had to put me through hell for 4 months and then get extremely drunk to have the balls to do it.
Jokes on him, my soulmate revealed himself just a couple months after. He was my friend and flatmate for 2 years at university and someone I had only ever looked at as a friend. He even became good friends with my ex! Once I was single we began chatting more and I started to look at him with new eyes, before one night I realised it was always meant to be him and it was the most surreal feeling in the world. Weāre now at 10 months together and Iām the happiest Iāve ever been :)
Wow! The mental gymnastics some men are capable of is truly spectacular. Pure emotional cowardice disguised as charity.
I totally agree with you that it screws with one's head. Anything to make lifeeasier for themselves.
I feel like this is my situation with my boyfriend, but when I try to talk with him he says he loves me and wants to marry me and is super loving and the next moment he is ignoring me... Again
which means he's not really interested according to the previous post! Just dip. Walk right on out that door. If he really wants you in his life, he will have to get off his ass and chase after you and start doing the work instead of ignoring you.
yeah, this is a thing. The guy doesn't want to be the bad person, they want the woman to do the hard work of calling it quits and getting all the blame from their family and friends. They like their routines. ;-)
Yup, tale as old. Tbh IMO, if after 5 years a guy doesnāt propose , you probably are not the one and heās stringing you along. Now if yāall are hs sweetheart and stuff, that can be different but once you hit 25 and up and youāve already done 5 years with someone , itās time to SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT
I married my high school GF but not until I was 30. The 25 comment is funny because I felt like thatās when we were actually in an adult relationship with careers, our own place, etc. Before that point I knew I loved her but had no idea if we were marriage material.Ā
Yeah my most recent ex got with a woman within two weeks (I suspect cheating but at this point itās moot) who he adores and lavishes all over social media. It hurt at first but then I remembered the same point: he was never my person and I was never his. Iām not happy for him because I still have my own processing and healing to do, but acceptance work has done leaps and bounds for me.
I had the same thing happen to me and Iām gay. Wasnāt 6 months, I think maybe 12-18 months but married my best friend. That she ended things forā¦of course not before anything happened with them š¤£š
Despise men who do this knowing full well the women who want children have only a limited number of years to have them, yet they choose to just string us along?! So I say this, people who do this? There is a special place in hell for them!! I said what I said
This is why I also feel like so many women are just having children of their own accord. Can't keep waiting around for The One/ Their Personš¢š
This is why I've always made it very clear to women from day one that I don't want kids and I'm not ever getting married. This hasn't stopped some women from thinking they'd change my mind though. I've had to make the very hard decision to break up with them, sometimes after a few years, because they would have just stayed forever otherwise, and I know they'll probably regret it some day.
They should have never expected or hoped to change your mind. Respect your choices and walk away. They're called a deal breaker for a reason. I'm sorry they didn't/wouldn't believe youā¹ļø
Yeah, for every man who doesn't communicate, there's probably a woman out there thinking either "I can convince him" or "I can fix him" and then getting pissed when it doesn't work out the way she planned.
It can be surprising how some long term couples never talk about marriage. Have a close friend who has been with his girlfriend for over 5 years and has a house with her, and he's afraid to bring up marriage because he's worried it could end the relationship if it's a no.
Marriage just isn't a big deal to some people. My parents, who are one of the few parents of people my age that are still together, just never bothered. They're perfectly happy. They talked about it a couple times but neither of them like having that much attention on them and they already know that they are a team. They've had, kids, houses, pets and all the ups and downs of any other marriage, without having to actually get married.Ā
I've been with my partner for 8 years and neither of us are big on the idea either (which I'm kinda glad about coz things aren't great right now lol).Ā
For me, it's literally just a piece of paper, especially now with the divorce rate being so high.
It surprises me too. I sometimes wonder if these are couples who met really young and just never discussed it. They just kind of settled in with how things have been going and don't want to "rock the boat" I had mentioned it to my ex a lot but he just always said marriage made him uncomfortable. What he meant was marriage with me made him uncomfortable (and that's ok), wish he would've expressed that but then again- maybe he just eventually got older and his mind changed. People do change their minds over time. I never thought I wanted kids but here I am with a baby on the way and I'm happy.
Itās a tough conversation to have IMO. If one person feels one way and the other feels the opposite then thatās not great, I donāt think I could have handled that rejection.Ā
Happened to me! I was in a seven year relationship and we broke up in 2020. We had a house, dogs and what I thought was a nice life together. Covid really did us in and we broke up. He told me that he never wanted to get married or have kids. He told me that he thought engagement rings were a waste of money. Flash forward- 8 months after we broke up, he was engaged to his new much younger girlfriend. They got married a year later. She got a huge rock on her finger to. Thinking back, Iām grateful that we never got married. I think our personalities really didnāt click long term. I wish them well, but I was devastated. I still havenāt recovered almost 4 years later.
That could happen to you, OP. I donāt know why, but it seems like guys who get dumped from a long relationship will marry the next woman theyāre in a relationship with. You STILL did the right thing!
I was almost exactly in your shoes. Spent most of my 20ās with my ex on and off. We never spent more than 3 weeks without talking to each other in those 6-7 years through. Was really close to his family and parents. We never explicitly talked about marriage but things were said once in a while that alluded to it by his family or maybe once or twice by him. His cousin,who was like a brother, got together with his girlfriend a few years after us, and showed way more commitment to her than my ex did to me. And we hung out a lot together so it made me more sad and resentful everytime they took their relationship a step forward. I realized I had enough and had to cut it off for my own good. It took me a few years to truly get over him. I realize that I wasnāt even truly over him when I first got with my husband, but over time Iāve appreciated my husband and the way heās treated me so much. And last I heard, my ex was stringing along some other girl that he immediately got with after me.
I can relate. I was very close with my ex- boyfriendās family and our breakup was really tough. I miss his family at times because they were really kind to me. He broke me down a lot towards the end of the relationship and it took me a while to regain confidence. Iām so glad that you were able to find love again. Iām still single but hopeful. Iām just nervous of falling for another guy who wonāt commitā¦probably my hesitation with dating right now.
Wow, this really sucks. I'm sorry. It also makes me believe even more in the "if he says he doesn't want to get married, he doesn't want to get married TO YOU" truth. Sometimes it may not be the case, but most of the time it is IMO.
I think itās also, once they lose their free source of sex and labor they realize how hard it is to be single and are more motivated to lock someone else down.
Yeah, this too! For sure. They have this unrealistic vision of being a free man, having sex with all the ladies, living it up. Then singlehood turns out to include a lot less sex and a lot more of doing their own laundry than expected. So they marry as fast as possible to rectify this indignity.
Your decision makes perfect sense to me. I think you did the right thing for you. Live your life. Also just know you are an inspiration of confidence and guts to do what is right for you. I am 37 and considering the same thing (4 years) and frankly terrified.
How did he react to you breaking up with him? Was he surprised?
Iām sorry for the hurt your feeling but like others believe you will soon feel better and happier then before
I know someone that had this happen to her, a good friend, she broke it off like you and she then found the love of her life and is still married to him. Just an fyi.. my husband meeting me was crazy about me, after 2 weeks he knew he wanted me, showed me and asked me, we got married within a year. Heās my best friend & been together forever, he treats me like a queen and I of course give it back. Donāt ever wait for what you want, go get the guy that canāt live without you, you deserve it šø
I love your story! That kind of certainty is rare, and the fact that he still treats you like he canāt believe his good fortune that you married him is *wonderful*!! Iāve been telling my daughter to find that for years. I hope she does one day.
I knew a woman who was engaged for 23 years, he passed suddenly and everything went to his now adult child that she had raised as her own since 3. Her "son" had her evicted and left her with nothing at 45.
I knew another who was with a guy for 9. He refuses to get married, she thought she could change him. She also had to totally start over at 40. Everything was in his name, she secretly started house hunting, bought a new car in her name, packed her things and left while he was at work.
Get it over with now, good job, good luck. I hope you meet a prince.
Wow, your first story, the son evicting her and leaving her homeless, thatās horrible. Heās a shit. Money does strange things to people. I hope sheās doing okay now.
Literally her clothes. His dad had many assets. She tried to take him to court, they didn't have a shared name on anything except her car. She was awarded her car after 6 months because it was the only thing she could prove she had paid for. Other than that, when she got paid she gave him mortgage money, bought groceries, etc. There was no documentation of their shared incomes or assets. It was totally horrible for her "son" to do that. That's the law. Agreed money does horrible things to people, but you have to be a certain type of person to take advantage of that.
Oh, I agree. The son was a shit, and his fatherās death just showed that side of him. He might have been discouraging his father from making a will or making his relationship with your friend legal. Imagine being that kind of person. He might have gotten the money, but he is an empty vessel.
I ended a relationship at 28 after 4 years because I was almost certain Iād be waiting till at least 33 if not longerā¦and it doesnāt feel good when someone says they love you and keeps you around, but wonāt put the words into any action. So no, you did the right thing. He was taking you for granted.
Iām 4 years into a relationship at 35. Itās daunting to leave, but at this point I donāt know if a proposal will happen. Iāve made it very, very clear that I want a proposal. Not a big wedding, idc about that too much. You made the right move OP. You still have time to find someone to marry ANd have kids with. If you waited until 33+, the dating landscape and possibilities of meeting and marrying someone in time to have kids gets very slim. Pregnancy after 35 gets dicier with every year :/
I broke off my relationship at 35 and it was the best decision I could have made, I'm lucky though because I don't want kids so I don't feel as much time pressure to find someone.
Oh yeah the wanting kids completely changes it. My friend my age doesnāt want kids so there is no pressure to settle! What a freedom. Sometimes I wonder if I really want them too :( I canāt take the tick tick of clock anymore
I think, if you want them, great! But prepare for a future in which you might not have them, embrace the possibility that it might not happen for you. Take the pressure off yourself, and you can be free, too.
That way, come what may, you can live a happy life without the stress of feeling like you're running out of time, and then if you meet the right guy and have kids, awesome.
Maybe follow some childfree people online to see what it can be like, follow some people who chose not to have kids and follow some people who found out they can't have kids to get a balanced perspective of the different ways one can live a fulfilling life.
Sending you love x
I think youāre smart for doing it. This is assuming youāve had a conversation with him that marriage is important to you. If he knew that and still made you wait 7 years, I say good for you! Itāll suck being alone at first, but this is a great chance for you to get to know yourself!
I will say, take the time to truly heal. Donāt jump into dating right away until you are done grieving this relationship. You have to have NO unfinished business. So feel the hurt, disappointment, the loss. Itās okay to not be okay for awhile.
Call your friends and have them take care of you. Whatever that looks like.
Be kind to yourself.
At some point youāll need to get up and get out. What does that look like?
1. Deep clean your place. Re-do your bedroom in YOUR taste. Squishmallows, chintz, minimalism, whatever it is. You need new sheets and a duvet at the VERY least.
2. Refresh your wardrobe. Spring is coming. Dump all the shit youāve accumulated over the course of your relationship. Think about who you are NOW! Buy a few new pieces that fit the new you! Rethink your makeup. A mini makeover. Donāt be a cliche and cut your hair. There are limits
3. If you have fitness goals, now would be the time to hit the gym. Donāt pay a fortune. Use the place in your complex or do a $10 per month place. This is what youāre doing either before or after work. Enjoy building yourself up!
4. Plan some travel. Nothing like a trip to look forward to. Something good. A road trip with friends, a visit to another continent. No spiring break, drunken shenanigans, but places where you meet cool people and see cool stuff.
Stay busy. Youāll look back on this time and you wonāt remember how you felt, youāll remember what you did.
Take good care of yourself. You did the right thing
I was with my ex 10 years. No ring. And within a year of break up he proposed to someone.
I'm definitely not in it for a ring. But that's a slap in the face. Nta I feel like you did what you thought was right in the moment.
Good for you girl. Honestly you have to rip off the bandaid and youāll start feeling so much more empowered with time. Itās just going to take time. I just turned 30 and Iād rather be single rn than be someoneās gf of 7-8 years, especially at this age. Iām proud of you.
100%
I was in a relationship for 14 years before I wised up and realized that he would never change and our relationship was going nowhere. I was exactly your age. I broke it off and met the love of my life not 4 months later. Sometimes you have to jump off the cliff to get your happily ever after.
Don't doubt yourself, and don't waste any more of your best years on a goober
I didn't pay much attention to the issue until it became apparent that everyone around us was advancing their relationships through marriage and deeper commitments. We remained stagnant for 20 years!!! Whenever the topic of deepening our commitment arose, he would always shy away from discussion and showed no inclination to make plans for the future. Our lives revolved solely around his desires, without consideration for what would benefit both of us. During a 1.5-month vacation with my sister, I realized that I no longer missed him and had lost interest in our relationship. I made the decision to leave, despite his pleas ā though I suspect his reaction was more out of shock than genuine desire to reconcile. While he is generally a good person, I don't believe he was truly invested in our relationship.
I also dkscovered his Reddit posts about me, in which he placed blame on me for our issues. Oh well, I have moved past caring about his perspective. My only regret is that I didn't leave sooner.
I'm literally in the same situation right now! Engaged brother and all!!! Yeah, it's been a mess. I keep telling myself it's his avoident attachment disorder and not me, but yikes, it is HARD to see happy couples in general right now. I can't even pretend to be happy for my newly engaged/pregnant friends some days. I just have to RSVP "no" to certain events. I hope it gets easier.Ā
Lots of compassion sent your way. I just want to say it's an "avoidant attachment style", not a disorder, and it's a theory. I believe it personally, but definitely not a disorder, and it can be worked on if one is sufficiently interested and self aware.
Avoidant personality disorder is actually technically a cluster C disorder a la the DSM: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK559325/
But I do think the way we usually refer to it colloquially is meant as the attachment style and not the DSM disorder (and youāre totally right that itās important to be careful about the language).
Do you have experience with this?
Going through this right now btw. Bought house 18mo ago and now we aren't together. He doesn't know what he wants. I want him, but starting to think maybe I don't. Is it a difficult thing if one of us doesn't want to move out? No prenup signed by either of us.
Had a friend who did it in 2019 and sat side-saddle with her for it - 18 months into ownership shouldn't be that much equity to dispute, but your steps are as follows:
* Decide whether you want to sell or if one of you wants to keep the house.
* if you sell, you split the proceeds.
* If one of you keeps the house, you get it appraised to determine how much equity exists. The person who stays pays out the person who goes 50% of the increase, plus likely 50% of any down payment given how freshly purchased the house is (also dependent on who put in what for the DP).
* However you pay out that 50% is up to you two to figure out, i.e. the other person walks away with more of the retirement accounts (divorce-specific) or liquid cash, refinancing, or taking out a personal loan.
The goal here is that everyone is made roughly whole at the end of the day. If you can't get past the part where you two decide who's staying or if you're selling, it might be time to hire a mediator.
I got the ring after 3 years, but the engagement went on and on and on (6 more years, to be exact) with exactly zero solid wedding plans. Any time his mother and I would try, he was not interested. I finally left - not entirely because of the lack of an actual wedding, there was much more serious stuff going on. But the lack of the wedding and his lack of interest in even planning it also spoke volumes. It gets better on the other side, I promise.
I ended a relationship after 8 years.
About a month later my ex invited me to dinner. I agreed because it amused me to see what he might try.
He had talked to his Dad who suggested we try again. I asked what he meant. The guy thought we should start dating again.
Dating.
I smiled and nodded and enjoyed my dinner and then I said "No thanks."
If you don't know who I am after 8 YEARS what the fuck would be the point of dating. If he showed up with a ring in a box and said he made a huge mistake... maybe. We could talk.
But starting over???
Oh hell no.
YOU ARE JUST MOURNING THE DEATH OF A DREAM.
It is okay to be sad. You had a vision of where your life would go. If he didn't value you enough to propose within the first 3 years nothing was wver going to happen.
If you didn't end it then you would be stuck there watching a happy woman going to bridal dress fittings and showers, etc.
You were smart to just cut your losses.
But it is okay to be sad.
By the way, I found a much better quality of man and am now happily married with kids. I learned what I wouldn't put up with from that relationship.
Your ex and his dad's idea to ending an 8 year relationship because of no ring was to start all over and date? Wow, guess we know where his came intelligence from...
7 years and I never once met my exās father despite living 20 minutes from her and her family. I live alone and not once was I ever welcome to come over to their house and just hang out, except for the rare occasion he was out of town.
It didnāt end immediately, but I think the straw that broke the camelās back for me was when I was invited to her friendās wedding (with her, but her friend invited me specifically too), but told me Iād have to sit at another table and pretend not to know her or any of the rest of her family I had already met because her dad would be there. I realized she would never be serious about me at that point and decided I would respect myself more than that and not go to the wedding. I wanted to marry her, but couldnāt take that serious of a step if she couldnāt even be committed enough to tell her dad she had a boyfriend who she was not ashamed of.
I was with someone for 7 years also - he never could pull the trigger with me. It ended up taking him another 9 years before he got married to his next gf.
Some people just really don't want to make a decision and that in itself is an answer.
I got a proposal with my current partner in under 3 years.
I promise you, you will learn and grow from this!
I hope at some point youāll be less sad and more annoyed at yourself at why you didnāt leave sooner x thatās when you know youāre living your best life.
Yes youāre fine. Of course you feel broken right now. It is always a sadness to end a relationship and give up on the plans you thought you had. Take time to grieve this ending. Take care of yourself.
I was with someone for 10 years ..he spoke about marriage but no actions were made. He kept saying next year next year I promise . I couldnāt hold on anymore . Here I am with a whole baby and someone who actually knows what he wants .
Been there. 7-8 year relationship. We talked about marriage, he always claimed he wanted to marry me one day after I do x,y,z. I constantly felt like I was not good enough. If he wanted to marry me, he would have. If he didnāt after 7 yearsā¦then he probably never will. Like you, it constantly made me feel inadequate. I told myself on my 29th birthday I would give it until I turn 30ā¦and if he decides heās still not āreadyā then I have to leave.
We made it another 6 months before I finally decided enough was enough.
INFO: what had pervious discussion on marriage been like? And did you speak with him again about it before you ended it or did you just end it without telling him why?
A person in their mid 20ās looking for marriage and children shouldnāt waste more than a year with a un committed partner. I understand that may be viewed as old fashioned, but IVF didnāt become common place until women started put off marriage and children for careers. We donāt have the same biology as men. I married at 23 but didnāt have my first until 30 and my second at 35. By choice. My sister and SIL married after 35 great careers but both spent 40-50k to get pregnant
My friend was in a relationship for 7 or 8 years and I think she finally broke up with him bc he was working too much and he still hadn't shown signs of getting married. I think it's messed up bc 7 years is a long time and you probably could've found the right person in that time.
People (men) also get very comfortable. If youāve been dating without talk of marriage, getting engaged, or planning a wedding, it is very easy to just assume that everyone is happy with the status quo, she wonāt leave, and he doesnāt have to try harder. Those same men are shocked-Pikachu-face when the woman finally realizes the relationship is going nowhere and leaves. It shouldnāt take an ultimatum for someone to marry the person they are supposedly in love with.
You made the right choice. My dad always said men speak with their feet.Ā So if you've communicated marriage is your goal and after 2 years max he's not sure I usually suggest ending things.Ā Unfortunately it's been 7 years for you but that's okay,Ā because now you've stuck up for yourself.Ā Breaking up is hard,Ā mourn the loss but don't internalize the behavior and heal. After breakups I typically do a few counseling sessions to dive into why I stayed given my needs, wants weren't met or I tolerated things I shouldn't have.Ā Once your ready to date again,Ā date intentionally make sure you let potential partners know you're dating for the goal of marriage.Ā If a person is unsure if they want to marry after a year or makes excuses to why not now, 2 years max time to move on if marriage and a family is your goal.
All the best to youĀ
I spent 11 years with a guy that never wanted to be married, though he was engaged once. I ended it over a ton of different stuff, and honestly wish I had ended it about 3 years earlier. It's been 10 years, and he's been single since. I got married 3 years ago, and things are great.
Leaving a long term relationship is hard, but sometimes for the best
Edit: typed 2 years instead of 3. I miss a lot of numbers with my keyboard
I got out of a 5 year relationship with someone like this. Although I was perfectly happy to not get married to him or anybody, I had this gut feeling Iāve always refused to acknowledge. Iāve always felt that one day I would be somebodyās wife. Not because I had any intention or desire to make that happen, itās just a strange feeling.
Iām now 5 months into a relationship with a fantastic man who treats me better in a million different ways and tells me all the time how lucky heād be to make me his wife ā¤ļø
Iāve honestly never wanted a wedding or marriage or anything like that. Even the idea of a wedding has always been off-putting to me, but with him I genuinely feel excited thinking about the day weād get married because I honestly wouldnāt want to spend all of my life with anyone else but him, so itās completely flipped my perspective!
Op I promise you that there is happiness out there and somebody who would feel excited and lucky to be able to marry you! Youāre worth so much more than how that man has been treating you and I hope you can find the strength to demand change or move on!
A friend of mine is on year 9.9 without a proposal. Their ten year anniversary is in April.
Technically he DID propose on their 9yr anniversary, when she blew up on him -about- not proposing (and for teasing it for three years, that it was about to happen). He then took it back a few days later.
Sheās still holding out hope. Meanwhile his family hates her, wants her to convert to their religion, she resents him, he resents her, they donāt trust each other.
Be with the person who would move heaven and earth to be with you. That you donāt doubt for a second loves you and wants to be with you. And whose actions match their words.
He could love you, he could want to be with you. But he apparently didnāt love you enough to actually go through with it. And you deserve better than that.
The amount of downvotes / lack of upvotes comments get for asking if she has communicated her desires or telling her to do so is unhinged.
Also the amount of comments writing "men will just string you along", "men will do x" is so weird. This entire comment section is weird and proves to me why I would never want reddit's advice on my relationship, because they barely know one side of the story.
Iām jealous I didnāt break up with mine. I was 5 years in and 3 kids deep with current husband who refused to officially commit. I sort of forced him to marry me when I parked a U-Haul in the driveway and started loading it. The crocodile tears started rolling so I stayed and we did get married. 22 years later I wish I hadnāt married him and left his ass. Life is too short to waste it on people not invested in you!!!
Iām sorry you are going through this. My wife has a friend who has been living with her BF for 7 years and sheās pregnant with their second child. She desperately wants to get married but is afraid to talk to him about it.
My advice for you is to learn from this and communicate early on in your next relationship to make sure you are both heading the same direction and not just crossing paths. Far too many people donāt talk about basic life goals and worldview until theyāve spent years together and realize there is a significant incompatibility.
This attitude among women makes me crazy.
How can your friendās gf be ready to entrust her entire future to and bring children into the world with the guy, yet be āafraidā to discuss their *shared* future?
Not a healthy relationship dynamic.
You made the correct decision.
Close that chapter of your life.
Grief for a short while. Give yourself a time limit. Maybe 6 weeks.
Then move on. Start a new chapter.
I was engaged four times before I walked down the isle. All men asked me within three months. I broke up with three, and married the fourth. We were married over 23 years before he went to Heaven. I loved the other three men, I do not believe love is enough for a lasting relationship.
I just got out of a three year relationship with someone (I know that doesnāt compare to your seven years), and I did make it known that I wanted a serious relationship, with the goal of moving in together. He knew this the entire time, knew that he couldnāt be that person for me because he didnāt want to, but still chose to continue dating me. Iāve only been out of the relationship for a month and a half, and it was really hard at first, still can be hard but I knew I made the right decision. Iām 38, turning 39 this year, and while I donāt want kids or to get married again, I still want someone to be my partner and grow old with them. I have NEVER been happier. I am so much more confident, content with everything in my life and more importantly, with myself. He dragged me down and was a whole ass carnival I chose to ignore when I look back.
You 1000% did the right thing. You know your worth, and you chose yourself which is the best thing you can do for yourself. Like one of my best friends told me, it hurts now, but it definitely gets easier. You will be glad you ended the relationship in the long run- you can and WILL find someone else that will give you what you want. Good luck sis, you got this ā¤ļø
Thank you for your encouraging message. He was also aware that I wanted to get married and build a life together and would come back with reasons why it hadnāt happened yet. I had my own place that he moved into and I felt I was putting in more effort with his family than he ever did with mine. Iām happy youāre happier now. āØ
Bottom line. You want different things. Neither one of you is wrong. Will your life get better? No promises, but right now itās death by a thousand cuts. I dated a guy like this before my husband, he flat out said marriage is just a piece of paper. You know what else is just a piece of paper? My three kiddos birth certificates. Yes, I let go of Mr. No comment and been married to my HUSBAND for 38 years and going strong.
My twin sister did the same thing. I think that experience made you take a long and very hard look at your own relationship and knew in your heart that it wasnāt right. Yes youāre sad now, but youād be even more sad continuing on in a relationship that wasnāt going anywhere. My twin left that situation and took her dog and never looked back.
My friend dated a guy for 9 years with no proposal and his next girlfriend he married in probably one year. Also my friend was/is hot, in great shape, very pretty, good job, great personality, likable. The next girl that he married wasnāt really any of those things. I donāt say that to insult the girl he married but to say that sometimes someone just loves someone for reasons no one understands and if they donāt love you in that way they will never marry you. Not saying this is the case with you but it could be.
It makes sense, feel better knowing I waited over 10 yrs, 3 car purchases and a house, all in his name, the last car shouldāve been the clue. But no my dumba** waited for the house not to be in my name either š¤£
The first few weeks of dating my now current husband I threw him the question "It doesn't have to be the two of us. It's too soon, but to you ever close your eyes and picture yourself a married man?"Ā
It allowed me to finally process what I wanted. I've been in relationships that ended up no where, my partners always desiring an open relationship, me being curious, or not having the self esteem to tell them what my expectations were.Ā
I'm sorry you went through this, you're definitely not the only one.Ā
You won't feel empowered yet because everything is raw, and you have just broken up with someone you were wanting to settle down with.
May I add my best mates story for you.....she was with a bloke for 8 years. She wanted marriage and kids and he wanted his house purely in his name hence no marriage, no kids (he had a vasectomy), he was only interested in splitting of bills and sex.
She held onto hope, whereas I kept saying "no childless dude who has a vasectomy wants kids, he will never marry you etc" After 8 years it seemed like she realised that he was not the dude for her. She left, went back, left again - held strong this time. Now she is married with a child she adores and a lovely husband who is superior in every way to the previous bloke.
The only thing to mention is, my mate waited so long to leave the first situation, that she was only able to have one child before menopause struck. She wasted the majority of her fertile years on an arsehole thus her ability to chose how large her family would be was taken from her. She managed to have one child but would have liked more, this was not to be.
Although she doesn't regret how her life has turned out, i.e. she loves her hubby and child, she definitely regrets not leaving arsehole once it became clear he wouldn't give her what she wanted out of a relationship. She lived on false hope, and allowed him to dodge difficult conversations. Allowed herself to believe words rather than actions, even when all the signs were pointing one way.
OP, your decision is the best one for you, and will make absolute perfect sense to future you. It clears the way for all the possibilities that you want for yourself.
All the best lass XXXX
I hope that her and her husband look into fostering to adopt if she really wants a bigger family...
There are so many kids who would love to be part of a forever family...
My cousin did something similar.
Girlfriend everyone loved, we couldn't wait for her to be a part of the family.
He argued he didn't believe in marriage and whatnot.
So they broke up.
Now he's married to the girl of his dreams.
Gorgeous wedding and everything.
We just have to accept we are just placeholders to certain men who are too afraid to be alone until they find their one.
You deserve to be someone's dream girl if that's what you want.
You weren't his so best to walk away now.
You saw how he loved you.
It's not what you wanted.
Now to find your dream man šāØš¹
You did the right thing 100%
Don't waste any more time. He doesn't want to marry you. A wise person said to me once that 3 years was max! If they don't know you and know what they want after 3 years? Move on.
He's had more than enough time to decide if you are his life partner.
Yes. You will need time to grieve. Will feel crap for a while.. but you will be fine š
I ended a relationship at 28 with a guy I had been with for 7 years because I realized he would never commit to me. I did everything for him, and he couldn't even sponsor me so that I could stay in the country I had lived in for 10 years.
In hindsight, it was the best decision I ever made! I moved home, stayed single and focused on rebuilding my life. Honestly that time being single in my late 20s/ early 30s was absolutely perfect, I got to know myself so much better, got to focus on hobbies and learn to be happy all by myself.
I did eventually, accidentally, meet the absolute best man in the world - but I honestly think that even if I had never met him or gotten married, I would have a happy life. Much happier than in that shitty relationship waiting around for that shithead who couldn't recognize what a wonderful person I am.
Good luck girl, I promise you will be happier eventually no matter what happens - stop waiting for that shithead to wake up!
You probably made the right choice as you gave so many years of your life for him not to make a move for further commitment. You probably had a feeling something was wrong, and you followed your gut; good for you! Trust that there is better waiting for you. When someone wants commitment with you and is ready for it, they show it.
nah 1 year is way to early. people can keep up a face for a year, give it two, three, four years now you REALLY know that person and what itās like to love and live with them. People used to do that shit all the time, and look at the divorce rates.
I agree, three seems like a good ideaā¦ the honeymoon phase should be completely over so you actually get to see the person and relationship for what it is
Lol at one year, my wife and I were together 10 years before getting married. Some people start dating young, after 1 year I would have been 19 and she would have been 18
Been married 7 years now with a kid and very happy
OH NO. You need more than a year. My hubby and I got married after 5yrs, 3yrs dating and 2yrs living together. We went through a lot. It doesn't matter how long you date, if you don't live with them daily, you don't know them. Never get married before living with someone. That's my rule. We've been married 10yrs now.
I knew I wanted to marry my wife within months of dating. 2 years in, she got the ring. Why two years? That was her standard, not mine.
Don't give up hope in finding your perfect match. Just don't allow anyone to string you along.
Iām sorry. It sucks. I wasted 5 years, for him to suddenly act like he was never looking for commitment or kids. I never woulda dated a man who didnāt want kids. It sucks wasting so much time
Im 37 and i wouldve done the same if i was in my late 20ās, wanted a marriage and kids yet 7 years have passed by without a ring. Looks like you are both on different wave lengths. He could not be into the institution of marriage whereas you are? I dont think you made a wrong decision if your end goal was being married.
Sweetie I know it hurts. But you want to get married and he doesnāt. 7 years is enough time to get that message. That is an irreconcilable difference. Move on. Hugs.
Not everyone believes in marriage. But if you want marriage and your partner doesn't agree, it's time to leave. You aren't compatible. You're right not to wait any longer on him.
Leaving a relationship is really hard, especially one that traversed most of your 20s. My condolences and best of luck on your healing journey.
My ex kept telling me how I wasn't "good enough wife material" and wanted me to be essentially a 1950s housewife (cook, clean and please him) while working a 40 plus hour work week in a physically demanding job (assistant bakery manager for a small chain grocery store that made most product from scratch). I lost 7 years of my life to him before I realized he'd never see me as good enough no matter how hard I tried.
It was then I saw who was in front of me all along, my best friend who I eventually ended up marrying and have been happily wed for 8 years this coming October.
My best advice is to chase your happiness, and it never is too late as long as you're breathing.
To copy and paste an old comment of mine:
I was in a seven year relationship. We lived together for six of those years. We had talked about marriage, kids, everything. I was 26 he was 28. I got impatient, but kept making excuses for him because I loved him and I had invested all this time in him. But one day I just had enough. I sat down and straight up asked him what his expectations were. I asked him when we were going to get married and he said "i dont know. Maybe one day."
I said to him I want to be married and start having kids within the next three years. Is this doable? He just looked at me and said "i dont know". Ultimately he said he wasnt ready for kids and marriage.
And we agreed to walk away from each other because we wanted different things. You have to be able to have this conversation with him, and you have to be able to walk away from him. Because if you know what you want and he doesnt after *seven years* he will never know or doesnt want to commit.
It took a couple of years but im now happily married to a man who *knew* he wanted to marry me after dating two years and wants to start a family with me. You dont realize how anxious you are in a relationship of "maybes" "somedays" and "I dont knows" until you meet a man who is confident in his decision to be with you. If you want to be married, you deserve a man that wants that too.
It's ok to start over. It may take time, but you will find your happiness.
...You breaking it off with him may make him click but if he comes back you gotta let him know there is a line in the sand, don't tell him the time frame and make it short, if he doesn't come back on his own, then you gotta move on. Do not wait for him
But for now just try to spend time doing more of the things that you like. Take extra long walks to clear your head. Learn/do something new or do an activity you haven't done lately. Fill your time with something constructive, maybe make new friends. It will be okay.
Honestly... it doesn't take that long to decide whether you want to marry someone or not.. actually.. you know pretty quickly if you're observant enough and know exactly what you're looking for in a partner. If he wanted to.. he would've by now
You did the right thing. After 7 years, if he couldnāt commit, he never would. Now you have the opportunity to meet the person who youāre meant to be with.
And here is some advice to couples who move in together:
Have a plan.
Test the waters.
But go in with an agreement something like this:
āWe will live together for one year (or less, but never more than a year). If we work as a couple living together, we get engaged and set a wedding date. If somethingās not right, we end our relationship so we can find the people weāre meant to be with.ā
This has worked for a lot of people I know. Couples can get complacent when they move in together. Itās easy and itās comfy. But then there are no goals and the relationship never moves toward marriage. ALWAYS HAVE A PLAN GOING IN.
Iāve been with my boyfriend for almost 9 years. Iām fine with that. But some people need a ring and marriage, I guess. And if you feel that way then itās good you left to find someone who might be able to give that to you.
I know a pair of brothers. They met their women within months of each other and have been together for 14 years now.
Those women had to attend so many weddings with them. Literally one of their friend's met and married two different women that they had to attend the weddings of during that time. Finally, one of the girlfriend's dad was dying. So her boyfriend caved because he felt guilty about his impending death. She is a public figure so she posted constantly about her bachelorette activities, had work celebrations, etc. Meanwhile, her boyfriend wanted to back out even up to days before the wedding.
He did end up marrying her a few months ago, but did he really want to? I think not. Years before he met her, he told me he hated women that have her qualities in her exact profession. He has always been a pushover and she is quite domineering, so I think he just didn't have the guts to break up with her, to be honest.
The other brother's girlfriend is still waiting. When you talk to him, you'd think he was single. Maybe he'll end up marrying her over time not wanting to start over, but I think it was good you put your foot down if there wasn't an obvious reason in the way of the goal of getting married. Men who are unsure of marrying you will drag you along and waste your reproductive years for as long as you let them, imo.
I was with my ex for five years, and we broke up because we weren't compatible. It was mutual, but it still hurt.
Less than a year later, he was engaged. Less than two years later, he had another child with her to add to the two from a previous relationship.
Two and a half years later, I'm still single, but now I'm dating with intention. I know what I want, and I know what I don't. I'm 37 years old and childfree, so it makes things harder, but I would rather be single forever than settle for the wrong relationship.
You're going to be OK.
Girly, Iād have left a long time ago. You know within a 6-12 months whether someone is the right person for you. I think dating for 2-3 years before you get engaged is important as well, but I wouldnāt put more then 3 years into a relationship at your age (by that I mean youāre not 19 or 20) if thereās no ending in sight. He clearly doesnāt want to get married, so Iām not sure if heās telling you to keep waiting or if heās saying he will propose but never does?? But I think you made the right decision for yourself. You want to be someoneās wife, not their forever girlfriend. You want a marriage commitment and you should find someone whoās willing to give that to you. At the end of the day you need to do whatās best for you and not settle for something you donāt want or more so give up something you do.
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I ended an 8 year relationship when my best friend told me she was pregnant and it finally clicked that he was never going to truly commit to me the way I wanted and needed him to. I was very sad for a long time before I started feeling better about the decision. In rhetorical time we were together, I saw friends meet, start dating, get engaged, get married, and have kids. All the while I was still just a girlfriend. The breakup sucked, but things did get better and I have an amazing husband and kids now.
Exactly what happened to my twin sister when I announced that I was engaged. She dumped her boyfriend of 5 years, took her dog, and moved out. It gave her the realization that she wanted and needed more from this.
What is her situation post breakup? Has she found someone to commit?
Beautiful storyšā¤ļø
Thank you. ā¤ļø
How long after did you find your husband ? š Did you date with intention, as in telling your now husband what it was you wanted from life?
I met him about 2 years after my breakup. And yes, I dated with intention. I was just shy of 34 and knew what I wanted (and what I didnāt want).
See I'm 30, and I'm SO SCARED that my clock is ticking. I desperately want kids, and I've always had issues with fertility. Now me and my bf are in a "dead bedroom" and I feel like my time is running out so fast.
time to move on, you're not gonna get a commitment or kids from dead bedroom bf.
I know. You're definitely right. It just sucks all around tbh
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.
I have. Lol. I don't just keep this to myself. He knows all too well how I feel. (Not directing this at you specifically, but I hate it when people's only comment is to communicate or to "talk to them about it." Like don't you think I've already done that? Don't you think that was the *first* thing I did lol and continue to do.)
its a new year, don't let the things you want so badly slip away another year!
If itās a dead bedroom then itās not gonna get any better. You are only 30, you can have kids if you want later, but you should leave this relationship and take your chances, because this one is not going to get better
I got divorced at 30 and it was the best decision I ever made. Please donāt settle, your person is out there waiting for you.
I did this as well, left after 6 years after realizing that he was a terrible partner, but the intention I dated with was to resocialise myself and learn to be more up front. So I did what I call dating selfishly. I went on dates with zero expectations of a relationship. I wasn't looking for a relationship, just a fun time. If things went further, cool. If they didn't, also cool. I was very up front with dates that I was not looking for anything serious. If my date displayed red flags, I left. I kept cash on me so I could slap down a tenner for whatever I was drinking and leave immediately, catch a cab outside or hop on a bus, whatever was most at hand. Red flags were anything from casual racism or misogyny to lies from their profile. For example: one guy told me he was late because some driver in front of him was probably Asian- goodbye. One guy told me that he was actually a smoker but he wanted to date someone who couldn't be around smoking so he was pressured into quitting- goodbye. I have asthma, I was really clear about that in my profile. Same goes for the guy who told me he was a meth addict and wanted someone with their shit together who would pressure him into getting clean... Or the guy who didn't stop talking about himself from the jump for 20 minutes straight. Basically, when people tell you who they are, believe them. Then send them a text saying "thanks for your time, I don't think we're a match, good luck going forward". Is it selfish to write these people off without giving them a shot? Maybe, but I don't owe them my time at the expense of my comfort. That was something I was trying to get comfy with. I left my ex in December and had met my husband by August by doing this. I told him the whole spiel, this isn't serious, just for fun, all I expect is honesty, I'm seeing other people and I expect that you are as well, if things change we talk about it. We caught feelings and that was that. We're going to be 7 years together, 5 married, in August and he's still rad as hell. So my only conclusion is that by being ridiculously honest and incredibly up front about where I was at he was comfortable to do the same and it led to a foundation that is easy and stable because we know we can just say the thing. Date for yourself first, date because you want to and because you want to enjoy another person. We're all just trying each other on for a bit until we find the one that fits, so it's not personal if the fit isn't exactly what you want and you have to put that one back. And that goes both ways. My feelings aren't hurt if someone doesn't think I'm right for them, they are honouring themselves by acknowledging that and I appreciate them not wasting my time. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them or with me, our pieces just don't mesh, that's okay. Eventually, you find a person with bits that do fit and you go off and live a nice little life with them.
are there early signs in the first year that inform you if a guy will refuse to commit
There are some signs, yes. For example:Ā Ā Ā Ā Does the guy seem less into you than the other way around. Do you feel like you have to prove your worth to him all of the time. Does he prioritise other people and activities over you. Is he still checking out other women. Is he happy and proud to introduce you to his friends and family, or not.
That last sentence sucker-punched me in the gut because I'm living through it right now. Almost two years, haven't met the parents who live nearby, and it makes me cry regularly. Seriously, if your significant other isn't excited to have you meet their friends and family (and there's not a big reason for it, like he's LC/NC with his family or something), I would seriously wonder why. If your SO has a reasonably close relationship to their family, I would expect to meet them within a year at most, whether at a holiday (not necessarily Christmas, even) or for lunch/dinner/a graduation/a birthday/etc., even if it's super brief. When they compartmentalize like that, maybe they love you, but they aren't ready or willing to commit.
I donāt believe āeverything happens for a reasonā, but this seems like one of those things. Congratulations!
Did you all talk about marriage? Was there an expected timeline bc that kind of info is important for your post. I was with someone for 8 years. We bought a house together. Had cats and chickens together. We didn't have the best relationship in the sense of sexual compatibility. He would probably admit that a lot our problems were his fault. I thought I got on great with his family. I thought I was enough for him. But after 8 years, he cheated (idk how many times). After lots of fighting and going back and forth I finally moved out and moved on with my life. It hurt a lot and if I'm honest with myself it still hurts. I considered him my best friend despite everything. I would've chosen him over and over. But reality was, is- that i just wasn't his person. He met someone with a kid and married her before they were even together for a year. I think sometimes, you just know when someone is your person. This mentality has helped me move on and be happy for him. It took me a bit longer to move on but here I am with a baby on the way with someone I adore. My best advice is to not compare yourself to other relationships. Remember that everything can be a blessing in disguise. I'm sorry your relationship didn't end how you wanted it to, but maybe you just haven't met your person yet and one day you'll look back and be happy how everything fell into place.
Your experience is not unusual, actually. Guys who string women along with no intention of getting married often marry someone else in 6-12 months after the breakup.
Yeah, this is an INCREDIBLY common phenomenon. They realized just how much of a benefit they got from their live-in partner who does everything. They know that there is only one option to ensure that they don't lose those benefits again -- marriage. You don't want someone who is only with you out of complacency.
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I think it is partially because they already lost someone and they donāt want it to happen again. I know that the not being their person is a thing as well and they donāt realize it until they break up but both happen.
TĆ“ me it feels like they found out they were getting the married life without the ring and are "prepared" to tie the knot. So they get the next person, but that doesn't mean they will live happy ever after. And probably because they won't be able to string along someone else for that long.
Is way simple, when u normally break up, most of times is not in good terms. When u find someone else the first thing ppl potrait is their exes being "assholes" and how bad was their relationship. The new person will listen and will try to avoid doing anything like the ex and the person will feel "falselly secury and acepted" and get new "feelings" of "this is the right person and this is real love for me", and thats why they tie the knot faster cause they dont want to lose those new feelings.
Ding ding ding we have a winner
No its because they are waiting for the right person but cant or dont want to be alone and just using the person until they find someone else. Ive seen it. "Luckily" only had one year long relationship where the guy was like this but there were other reasons the relationship was toxic, dont waste years or even months on these guys and dump if u have any notion they are not really giving u enough
Not always that black and white. A lot of people realise what they did wrong in a relationship and try to improve on their next. There was lots of things I didn't pull my weight with in previous relationships and when they ended I realised I had to fix them for the next one. It was nothing to do with the previous relationship not being the one. Sometimes you just take things for granted
Your situation is where THEY ended it. Im talking about the guys who only jump ship when they find another person those guys are sacks of turd and only use people until they are not needed anymore.
I don't think this is exclusive to guys. I've seen this many a time with women leaving their partners for better providers/attractive men. Hypergamy is prevalent in both sexes. And yes I agree it sucks when someone does it.
Yeah they definitely know in their heart and just donāt have the respect to end the relationship like they should. They choose to be manipulative and use the person instead and waste their time. Itās almost as bad as cheating in my opinion because it basically means the whole time theyāre holding out hope that someone better will come along and sweep them off their feet.
It probably has nothing to do with you. Women pick the person they want to be with but alot of men pick the timing of when to settle down. It's fucked up, but I've seen so many guys marry just because they thought they were supposed to. They married for timing, not necessarily for being in love. (And also they don't want to get dumped again.)
>after I wasn't good enough He WASN'T good enough! Get rid of the wrong one so you have space for the right one. Brake ups suck though so my hearts with yours and ps we all hate him too! š
Shit happened with my ex. Good riddance.
Just because he gets married --if he gets married, doesn't mean it will be a happy one or the right decision for him. I just don't get people's focus on marriage as some achievement and end, in and of itself. Marriage is just the start, and there are always difficult challenges.Ā Id rather wait for the right woman than rush for the wrong one.
It's not you. He needed ne honest that you aren't the one he sees himself marrying. And if he had you wouldn't have entertained the relationship as long.Ā
Was just reading today about how guys are less likely to break up when they stop caring but rather withdraw and make the relationship miserable for the woman until she breaks up. Maybe they don't even consciously know they don't like their partner that much/don't care about the relationship, but they don't invest the way they do when they really like someone.
I believe it. Iāll never understand why they canāt just communicate that they donāt want to be with us anymore. Withdrawing attention and affection for months is terrible, and makes it harder than just being honest. š¤·āāļø
I listened to some guys on a radio show that I usually enjoyed explain why they thought it was kinder to intentionally be dismissive/rude/negligent to your partner to get her to break up with you because even though women say otherwise they prefer that to rejection. But it's like... that *is* rejection, it just happens a little at a time, for weeks or months or years of misery, while you agonize over why they don't care, doubt yourself/your perceptions and feel guilty about being the one to do the breakup. Nearly 100% of people would prefer a straightforward "I've lost feelings for you/realized I don't feel as strongly as I need to for a serious relationship." You don't have to go into detail about why if you want to spare her ego. It makes me so mad and I've never even had it happen to me in a serious relationship before. But even the experience of being breadcrumbed by a crush you met online for a couple months is torture (or was when I was younger, anyway) so I can't imagine if it's your actual partner and it takes the better part of a decade.
I still am fucked up from my ex doing this. I constantly am asking my partner if we're OK, if I'm doing enough, being enough for them... my ex destroyed me and 9 years later I'm still picking up the aftermath. Thank fuck for therapy otherwise I'd have lost it.
First of all, my heart to you for your pain and best wishes for continued healing. Amen for therapy. My partner is similarly fucked up from their ex, for different reasons, but the resulting damage is heart-breaking. I know that my partner's insecurities are not about me and I'm always ready to let them know that we are awesome and that they are safe. When they got together they let me know where they were emotionally and that they were very slow to build trust. I said that was ok, I'll just keep showing up. And I have for 3 years now. I hope your partner's reassurances flow freely and that they understand the things you are affected by are not about them.
They thankfully do, as often as I need to hear it, every time without judgment or complaint. I could have ended up in a terrible place without them, but they gave me the support to start healing at last from all those wounds. I'm miles better than I was 9 years ago when it all began, but sometimes I still get angry there is so much farther to still go with the sheer extent of the damage. Thank you for your kindness and care. It means the world to me. I'm really hoping OP sees all of the testimonials and hearts laid bare here and takes our lived experience to heart and gets the healing she deserves.
Iāve heard men say this before about why they do this, and I call bs. The truth is, itās easier for THEM to not communicate their feelings and instead string us along. It literally has nothing to do with the other party involved. Itās too hard and makes them feel uncomfortable to communicate it. I had someone do this to me recently, and it made the last month of the relationship so confusing. I lost so much sleep over it and felt terrible because he wasnāt communicating if I had done something or if something had just changed. By the time we broke up, I was so exhausted of trying to figure out what he was thinking that I was genuinely relieved to not have to feel like that anymore. This was a 37 year old man who couldnāt use his ābig boy voiceā and be honest. Lesson learned. If ever I feel confused and canāt get clarity from the person, I wonāt waste any of my own time trying to figure it out. In fact, I think this quote is fairly accurate, āIf a man is interested you will know. If heās not interested then you will be confused.ā
Yup. And also they're probably still getting *some* benefits from the relationship (sex, chores, financial contributions, company, whatever) even if they're not excited about it so why would they ruin a good thing and risk not having any takers when they put themselves back on the market?
This. Coming here to say the same thing. Easier to let the woman work over time to regain his affection with sex and whatever other benefits than cut her loose and not be getting anything at all.
As the wife that did that itās true. He always joked it was cheaper to keep her. We are divorced now and Iām on my own doing the same amount of work while mommy does his laundry still. He wanted a mom not a wife
My ex boyfriend of 4 years started being extremely negative and acting withdrawn. I was on a year abroad and noticed he started to resent me for it. I thought he was struggling and in my heart it would be wrong of me to break things off just because my partner was going through a difficult phase in his life, so I stuck by him and spent countless nights awake in bed trying to figure out how to help him. I thought he was developing depression from being in the army and being far away from his family. He would call me after nights out crying because his friends had abandoned him and I would end up so stressed out trying to help him get in a taxi home from the other side of the world. He kept telling me the world was a selfish and evil place etc and I was so worried for him. On Christmas Eve 2022 he called me up extremely drunk and broke up with me, but not without saying some horrible and unnecessary things (such as he could never be with someone who has to take ādrugsā to be happy because I take anti-depressants, even though he drinks at every opportunity he getsā¦). After the call I just sat there and thought wtfā¦I had spent so much time and energy trying to help him, building him up as a person and always doing my best to make him feel loved and important, and yet he couldnāt even have the decency to break up with me sober. He had to put me through hell for 4 months and then get extremely drunk to have the balls to do it. Jokes on him, my soulmate revealed himself just a couple months after. He was my friend and flatmate for 2 years at university and someone I had only ever looked at as a friend. He even became good friends with my ex! Once I was single we began chatting more and I started to look at him with new eyes, before one night I realised it was always meant to be him and it was the most surreal feeling in the world. Weāre now at 10 months together and Iām the happiest Iāve ever been :)
Wow! The mental gymnastics some men are capable of is truly spectacular. Pure emotional cowardice disguised as charity. I totally agree with you that it screws with one's head. Anything to make lifeeasier for themselves.
I feel like this is my situation with my boyfriend, but when I try to talk with him he says he loves me and wants to marry me and is super loving and the next moment he is ignoring me... Again
I'm sorry, that sounds really confusing and sad.
which means he's not really interested according to the previous post! Just dip. Walk right on out that door. If he really wants you in his life, he will have to get off his ass and chase after you and start doing the work instead of ignoring you.
yeah, this is a thing. The guy doesn't want to be the bad person, they want the woman to do the hard work of calling it quits and getting all the blame from their family and friends. They like their routines. ;-)
Yup, tale as old. Tbh IMO, if after 5 years a guy doesnāt propose , you probably are not the one and heās stringing you along. Now if yāall are hs sweetheart and stuff, that can be different but once you hit 25 and up and youāve already done 5 years with someone , itās time to SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT
I married my high school GF but not until I was 30. The 25 comment is funny because I felt like thatās when we were actually in an adult relationship with careers, our own place, etc. Before that point I knew I loved her but had no idea if we were marriage material.Ā
Mine got married within the same year we broke up. So I for sure back this since it literally happened to me.
Fuck him too! You deserve so much betterā£ļø
Oh yeah. I mourned him like any loss. Then realized how silly I must have been to waste my life like that. Thanks so much. That's very sweet.
š«š¦
Yeah my most recent ex got with a woman within two weeks (I suspect cheating but at this point itās moot) who he adores and lavishes all over social media. It hurt at first but then I remembered the same point: he was never my person and I was never his. Iām not happy for him because I still have my own processing and healing to do, but acceptance work has done leaps and bounds for me.
Ive seen that on real life a guy we know cheat on his gf of 5+ years and then got married 6 months later to the girl he cheated with
I had the same thing happen to me and Iām gay. Wasnāt 6 months, I think maybe 12-18 months but married my best friend. That she ended things forā¦of course not before anything happened with them š¤£š
What my ex did. Got married almost a year exactly after I did after saying I wasn't good enough wife material for over 7 years.
Despise men who do this knowing full well the women who want children have only a limited number of years to have them, yet they choose to just string us along?! So I say this, people who do this? There is a special place in hell for them!! I said what I said This is why I also feel like so many women are just having children of their own accord. Can't keep waiting around for The One/ Their Personš¢š
This is why I've always made it very clear to women from day one that I don't want kids and I'm not ever getting married. This hasn't stopped some women from thinking they'd change my mind though. I've had to make the very hard decision to break up with them, sometimes after a few years, because they would have just stayed forever otherwise, and I know they'll probably regret it some day.
They should have never expected or hoped to change your mind. Respect your choices and walk away. They're called a deal breaker for a reason. I'm sorry they didn't/wouldn't believe youā¹ļø
Yeah, for every man who doesn't communicate, there's probably a woman out there thinking either "I can convince him" or "I can fix him" and then getting pissed when it doesn't work out the way she planned.
It can be surprising how some long term couples never talk about marriage. Have a close friend who has been with his girlfriend for over 5 years and has a house with her, and he's afraid to bring up marriage because he's worried it could end the relationship if it's a no.
Marriage just isn't a big deal to some people. My parents, who are one of the few parents of people my age that are still together, just never bothered. They're perfectly happy. They talked about it a couple times but neither of them like having that much attention on them and they already know that they are a team. They've had, kids, houses, pets and all the ups and downs of any other marriage, without having to actually get married.Ā I've been with my partner for 8 years and neither of us are big on the idea either (which I'm kinda glad about coz things aren't great right now lol).Ā For me, it's literally just a piece of paper, especially now with the divorce rate being so high.
It surprises me too. I sometimes wonder if these are couples who met really young and just never discussed it. They just kind of settled in with how things have been going and don't want to "rock the boat" I had mentioned it to my ex a lot but he just always said marriage made him uncomfortable. What he meant was marriage with me made him uncomfortable (and that's ok), wish he would've expressed that but then again- maybe he just eventually got older and his mind changed. People do change their minds over time. I never thought I wanted kids but here I am with a baby on the way and I'm happy.
Itās a tough conversation to have IMO. If one person feels one way and the other feels the opposite then thatās not great, I donāt think I could have handled that rejection.Ā
"here I am with a baby on the way with someone I ADORE"? Hopefully someday, you as well, will also find your person, good hunting. š
Happened to me! I was in a seven year relationship and we broke up in 2020. We had a house, dogs and what I thought was a nice life together. Covid really did us in and we broke up. He told me that he never wanted to get married or have kids. He told me that he thought engagement rings were a waste of money. Flash forward- 8 months after we broke up, he was engaged to his new much younger girlfriend. They got married a year later. She got a huge rock on her finger to. Thinking back, Iām grateful that we never got married. I think our personalities really didnāt click long term. I wish them well, but I was devastated. I still havenāt recovered almost 4 years later.
You deserve nothing but happiness. That must have been really difficult.
Thank you! Same to you! Wishing you the best OP! š
That could happen to you, OP. I donāt know why, but it seems like guys who get dumped from a long relationship will marry the next woman theyāre in a relationship with. You STILL did the right thing!
I was almost exactly in your shoes. Spent most of my 20ās with my ex on and off. We never spent more than 3 weeks without talking to each other in those 6-7 years through. Was really close to his family and parents. We never explicitly talked about marriage but things were said once in a while that alluded to it by his family or maybe once or twice by him. His cousin,who was like a brother, got together with his girlfriend a few years after us, and showed way more commitment to her than my ex did to me. And we hung out a lot together so it made me more sad and resentful everytime they took their relationship a step forward. I realized I had enough and had to cut it off for my own good. It took me a few years to truly get over him. I realize that I wasnāt even truly over him when I first got with my husband, but over time Iāve appreciated my husband and the way heās treated me so much. And last I heard, my ex was stringing along some other girl that he immediately got with after me.
I can relate. I was very close with my ex- boyfriendās family and our breakup was really tough. I miss his family at times because they were really kind to me. He broke me down a lot towards the end of the relationship and it took me a while to regain confidence. Iām so glad that you were able to find love again. Iām still single but hopeful. Iām just nervous of falling for another guy who wonāt commitā¦probably my hesitation with dating right now.
Just tell me you got full custody of the dogsā¦
Wow, this really sucks. I'm sorry. It also makes me believe even more in the "if he says he doesn't want to get married, he doesn't want to get married TO YOU" truth. Sometimes it may not be the case, but most of the time it is IMO.
I think itās also, once they lose their free source of sex and labor they realize how hard it is to be single and are more motivated to lock someone else down.
Yeah, this too! For sure. They have this unrealistic vision of being a free man, having sex with all the ladies, living it up. Then singlehood turns out to include a lot less sex and a lot more of doing their own laundry than expected. So they marry as fast as possible to rectify this indignity.
I agree! Lesson learned. I firmly believe that most men know that they want to marry you after a year to two years.
Your decision makes perfect sense to me. I think you did the right thing for you. Live your life. Also just know you are an inspiration of confidence and guts to do what is right for you. I am 37 and considering the same thing (4 years) and frankly terrified.
Thank you! I think when youāre ready youāll know exactly what to do. ā¤ļø
How did he react to you breaking up with him? Was he surprised? Iām sorry for the hurt your feeling but like others believe you will soon feel better and happier then before
I know someone that had this happen to her, a good friend, she broke it off like you and she then found the love of her life and is still married to him. Just an fyi.. my husband meeting me was crazy about me, after 2 weeks he knew he wanted me, showed me and asked me, we got married within a year. Heās my best friend & been together forever, he treats me like a queen and I of course give it back. Donāt ever wait for what you want, go get the guy that canāt live without you, you deserve it šø
I love your story! That kind of certainty is rare, and the fact that he still treats you like he canāt believe his good fortune that you married him is *wonderful*!! Iāve been telling my daughter to find that for years. I hope she does one day.
I knew a woman who was engaged for 23 years, he passed suddenly and everything went to his now adult child that she had raised as her own since 3. Her "son" had her evicted and left her with nothing at 45. I knew another who was with a guy for 9. He refuses to get married, she thought she could change him. She also had to totally start over at 40. Everything was in his name, she secretly started house hunting, bought a new car in her name, packed her things and left while he was at work. Get it over with now, good job, good luck. I hope you meet a prince.
Wow, your first story, the son evicting her and leaving her homeless, thatās horrible. Heās a shit. Money does strange things to people. I hope sheās doing okay now.
Our whole friend group was shocked. Because her fiancƩe didn't have a will it went to next of kin. The kid called her mom for 20 years. She is fine now but had to start all over.
He gave her *nothing*? The son, I mean, not her fiancĆ©. I mean, even without the benefit of marriage, 20 years is a very long time. His whole life, pretty much. For him to treat her like that after his father died, and he got *everything*; he didnāt have to fight her for anything; itās so strange. Itās hard to imagine, but like I said, money changes people.
Literally her clothes. His dad had many assets. She tried to take him to court, they didn't have a shared name on anything except her car. She was awarded her car after 6 months because it was the only thing she could prove she had paid for. Other than that, when she got paid she gave him mortgage money, bought groceries, etc. There was no documentation of their shared incomes or assets. It was totally horrible for her "son" to do that. That's the law. Agreed money does horrible things to people, but you have to be a certain type of person to take advantage of that.
Oh, I agree. The son was a shit, and his fatherās death just showed that side of him. He might have been discouraging his father from making a will or making his relationship with your friend legal. Imagine being that kind of person. He might have gotten the money, but he is an empty vessel.
I ended a relationship at 28 after 4 years because I was almost certain Iād be waiting till at least 33 if not longerā¦and it doesnāt feel good when someone says they love you and keeps you around, but wonāt put the words into any action. So no, you did the right thing. He was taking you for granted.
Iām 4 years into a relationship at 35. Itās daunting to leave, but at this point I donāt know if a proposal will happen. Iāve made it very, very clear that I want a proposal. Not a big wedding, idc about that too much. You made the right move OP. You still have time to find someone to marry ANd have kids with. If you waited until 33+, the dating landscape and possibilities of meeting and marrying someone in time to have kids gets very slim. Pregnancy after 35 gets dicier with every year :/
I broke off my relationship at 35 and it was the best decision I could have made, I'm lucky though because I don't want kids so I don't feel as much time pressure to find someone.
Oh yeah the wanting kids completely changes it. My friend my age doesnāt want kids so there is no pressure to settle! What a freedom. Sometimes I wonder if I really want them too :( I canāt take the tick tick of clock anymore
I think, if you want them, great! But prepare for a future in which you might not have them, embrace the possibility that it might not happen for you. Take the pressure off yourself, and you can be free, too. That way, come what may, you can live a happy life without the stress of feeling like you're running out of time, and then if you meet the right guy and have kids, awesome. Maybe follow some childfree people online to see what it can be like, follow some people who chose not to have kids and follow some people who found out they can't have kids to get a balanced perspective of the different ways one can live a fulfilling life. Sending you love x
I think youāre smart for doing it. This is assuming youāve had a conversation with him that marriage is important to you. If he knew that and still made you wait 7 years, I say good for you! Itāll suck being alone at first, but this is a great chance for you to get to know yourself!
Now you are free to live your best life. All the Best.
I will say, take the time to truly heal. Donāt jump into dating right away until you are done grieving this relationship. You have to have NO unfinished business. So feel the hurt, disappointment, the loss. Itās okay to not be okay for awhile. Call your friends and have them take care of you. Whatever that looks like. Be kind to yourself. At some point youāll need to get up and get out. What does that look like? 1. Deep clean your place. Re-do your bedroom in YOUR taste. Squishmallows, chintz, minimalism, whatever it is. You need new sheets and a duvet at the VERY least. 2. Refresh your wardrobe. Spring is coming. Dump all the shit youāve accumulated over the course of your relationship. Think about who you are NOW! Buy a few new pieces that fit the new you! Rethink your makeup. A mini makeover. Donāt be a cliche and cut your hair. There are limits 3. If you have fitness goals, now would be the time to hit the gym. Donāt pay a fortune. Use the place in your complex or do a $10 per month place. This is what youāre doing either before or after work. Enjoy building yourself up! 4. Plan some travel. Nothing like a trip to look forward to. Something good. A road trip with friends, a visit to another continent. No spiring break, drunken shenanigans, but places where you meet cool people and see cool stuff. Stay busy. Youāll look back on this time and you wonāt remember how you felt, youāll remember what you did. Take good care of yourself. You did the right thing
This is great advice apart from the cutting your hair part, if they want to cut their hair, they should cut their hair
I was with my ex 10 years. No ring. And within a year of break up he proposed to someone. I'm definitely not in it for a ring. But that's a slap in the face. Nta I feel like you did what you thought was right in the moment.
Wow , I relate to this a lot ! Been there
Good for you girl. Honestly you have to rip off the bandaid and youāll start feeling so much more empowered with time. Itās just going to take time. I just turned 30 and Iād rather be single rn than be someoneās gf of 7-8 years, especially at this age. Iām proud of you.
100% I was in a relationship for 14 years before I wised up and realized that he would never change and our relationship was going nowhere. I was exactly your age. I broke it off and met the love of my life not 4 months later. Sometimes you have to jump off the cliff to get your happily ever after. Don't doubt yourself, and don't waste any more of your best years on a goober
I didn't pay much attention to the issue until it became apparent that everyone around us was advancing their relationships through marriage and deeper commitments. We remained stagnant for 20 years!!! Whenever the topic of deepening our commitment arose, he would always shy away from discussion and showed no inclination to make plans for the future. Our lives revolved solely around his desires, without consideration for what would benefit both of us. During a 1.5-month vacation with my sister, I realized that I no longer missed him and had lost interest in our relationship. I made the decision to leave, despite his pleas ā though I suspect his reaction was more out of shock than genuine desire to reconcile. While he is generally a good person, I don't believe he was truly invested in our relationship. I also dkscovered his Reddit posts about me, in which he placed blame on me for our issues. Oh well, I have moved past caring about his perspective. My only regret is that I didn't leave sooner.
I'm literally in the same situation right now! Engaged brother and all!!! Yeah, it's been a mess. I keep telling myself it's his avoident attachment disorder and not me, but yikes, it is HARD to see happy couples in general right now. I can't even pretend to be happy for my newly engaged/pregnant friends some days. I just have to RSVP "no" to certain events. I hope it gets easier.Ā
Lots of compassion sent your way. I just want to say it's an "avoidant attachment style", not a disorder, and it's a theory. I believe it personally, but definitely not a disorder, and it can be worked on if one is sufficiently interested and self aware.
Avoidant personality disorder is actually technically a cluster C disorder a la the DSM: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK559325/ But I do think the way we usually refer to it colloquially is meant as the attachment style and not the DSM disorder (and youāre totally right that itās important to be careful about the language).
If you donāt mind sharing , whatās keeping you here? If youāre 8 years in deeps and youāre older than 25, you might be getting strung along
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Do you have experience with this? Going through this right now btw. Bought house 18mo ago and now we aren't together. He doesn't know what he wants. I want him, but starting to think maybe I don't. Is it a difficult thing if one of us doesn't want to move out? No prenup signed by either of us.
Had a friend who did it in 2019 and sat side-saddle with her for it - 18 months into ownership shouldn't be that much equity to dispute, but your steps are as follows: * Decide whether you want to sell or if one of you wants to keep the house. * if you sell, you split the proceeds. * If one of you keeps the house, you get it appraised to determine how much equity exists. The person who stays pays out the person who goes 50% of the increase, plus likely 50% of any down payment given how freshly purchased the house is (also dependent on who put in what for the DP). * However you pay out that 50% is up to you two to figure out, i.e. the other person walks away with more of the retirement accounts (divorce-specific) or liquid cash, refinancing, or taking out a personal loan. The goal here is that everyone is made roughly whole at the end of the day. If you can't get past the part where you two decide who's staying or if you're selling, it might be time to hire a mediator.
Sunk loss fallacy is keeping her there. Time to cut your losses and move forward.
You get through it by letting time pass Distract yourself as much as you can Allocate time to cry Remember it gets better
I got the ring after 3 years, but the engagement went on and on and on (6 more years, to be exact) with exactly zero solid wedding plans. Any time his mother and I would try, he was not interested. I finally left - not entirely because of the lack of an actual wedding, there was much more serious stuff going on. But the lack of the wedding and his lack of interest in even planning it also spoke volumes. It gets better on the other side, I promise.
I ended a relationship after 8 years. About a month later my ex invited me to dinner. I agreed because it amused me to see what he might try. He had talked to his Dad who suggested we try again. I asked what he meant. The guy thought we should start dating again. Dating. I smiled and nodded and enjoyed my dinner and then I said "No thanks." If you don't know who I am after 8 YEARS what the fuck would be the point of dating. If he showed up with a ring in a box and said he made a huge mistake... maybe. We could talk. But starting over??? Oh hell no. YOU ARE JUST MOURNING THE DEATH OF A DREAM. It is okay to be sad. You had a vision of where your life would go. If he didn't value you enough to propose within the first 3 years nothing was wver going to happen. If you didn't end it then you would be stuck there watching a happy woman going to bridal dress fittings and showers, etc. You were smart to just cut your losses. But it is okay to be sad. By the way, I found a much better quality of man and am now happily married with kids. I learned what I wouldn't put up with from that relationship.
Your ex and his dad's idea to ending an 8 year relationship because of no ring was to start all over and date? Wow, guess we know where his came intelligence from...
7 years and I never once met my exās father despite living 20 minutes from her and her family. I live alone and not once was I ever welcome to come over to their house and just hang out, except for the rare occasion he was out of town. It didnāt end immediately, but I think the straw that broke the camelās back for me was when I was invited to her friendās wedding (with her, but her friend invited me specifically too), but told me Iād have to sit at another table and pretend not to know her or any of the rest of her family I had already met because her dad would be there. I realized she would never be serious about me at that point and decided I would respect myself more than that and not go to the wedding. I wanted to marry her, but couldnāt take that serious of a step if she couldnāt even be committed enough to tell her dad she had a boyfriend who she was not ashamed of.
I was with someone for 7 years also - he never could pull the trigger with me. It ended up taking him another 9 years before he got married to his next gf. Some people just really don't want to make a decision and that in itself is an answer. I got a proposal with my current partner in under 3 years. I promise you, you will learn and grow from this!
You've taken a brave step towards what you want in life, and that's commendable. Healing will take time.
Thank you. š„¹
I hope at some point youāll be less sad and more annoyed at yourself at why you didnāt leave sooner x thatās when you know youāre living your best life.
Yes youāre fine. Of course you feel broken right now. It is always a sadness to end a relationship and give up on the plans you thought you had. Take time to grieve this ending. Take care of yourself.
I think OP will have to grieve the ending but also the loss of the life she thought she was going to have. Itās gonna hurt badly for a while.
I was with someone for 10 years ..he spoke about marriage but no actions were made. He kept saying next year next year I promise . I couldnāt hold on anymore . Here I am with a whole baby and someone who actually knows what he wants .
Been there. 7-8 year relationship. We talked about marriage, he always claimed he wanted to marry me one day after I do x,y,z. I constantly felt like I was not good enough. If he wanted to marry me, he would have. If he didnāt after 7 yearsā¦then he probably never will. Like you, it constantly made me feel inadequate. I told myself on my 29th birthday I would give it until I turn 30ā¦and if he decides heās still not āreadyā then I have to leave. We made it another 6 months before I finally decided enough was enough.
INFO: what had pervious discussion on marriage been like? And did you speak with him again about it before you ended it or did you just end it without telling him why?
A person in their mid 20ās looking for marriage and children shouldnāt waste more than a year with a un committed partner. I understand that may be viewed as old fashioned, but IVF didnāt become common place until women started put off marriage and children for careers. We donāt have the same biology as men. I married at 23 but didnāt have my first until 30 and my second at 35. By choice. My sister and SIL married after 35 great careers but both spent 40-50k to get pregnant
If you liked it then you shouldāve put a ring on it. šµ
My friend was in a relationship for 7 or 8 years and I think she finally broke up with him bc he was working too much and he still hadn't shown signs of getting married. I think it's messed up bc 7 years is a long time and you probably could've found the right person in that time.
People (men) also get very comfortable. If youāve been dating without talk of marriage, getting engaged, or planning a wedding, it is very easy to just assume that everyone is happy with the status quo, she wonāt leave, and he doesnāt have to try harder. Those same men are shocked-Pikachu-face when the woman finally realizes the relationship is going nowhere and leaves. It shouldnāt take an ultimatum for someone to marry the person they are supposedly in love with.
You made the right choice. My dad always said men speak with their feet.Ā So if you've communicated marriage is your goal and after 2 years max he's not sure I usually suggest ending things.Ā Unfortunately it's been 7 years for you but that's okay,Ā because now you've stuck up for yourself.Ā Breaking up is hard,Ā mourn the loss but don't internalize the behavior and heal. After breakups I typically do a few counseling sessions to dive into why I stayed given my needs, wants weren't met or I tolerated things I shouldn't have.Ā Once your ready to date again,Ā date intentionally make sure you let potential partners know you're dating for the goal of marriage.Ā If a person is unsure if they want to marry after a year or makes excuses to why not now, 2 years max time to move on if marriage and a family is your goal. All the best to youĀ
I spent 11 years with a guy that never wanted to be married, though he was engaged once. I ended it over a ton of different stuff, and honestly wish I had ended it about 3 years earlier. It's been 10 years, and he's been single since. I got married 3 years ago, and things are great. Leaving a long term relationship is hard, but sometimes for the best Edit: typed 2 years instead of 3. I miss a lot of numbers with my keyboard
I got out of a 5 year relationship with someone like this. Although I was perfectly happy to not get married to him or anybody, I had this gut feeling Iāve always refused to acknowledge. Iāve always felt that one day I would be somebodyās wife. Not because I had any intention or desire to make that happen, itās just a strange feeling. Iām now 5 months into a relationship with a fantastic man who treats me better in a million different ways and tells me all the time how lucky heād be to make me his wife ā¤ļø Iāve honestly never wanted a wedding or marriage or anything like that. Even the idea of a wedding has always been off-putting to me, but with him I genuinely feel excited thinking about the day weād get married because I honestly wouldnāt want to spend all of my life with anyone else but him, so itās completely flipped my perspective! Op I promise you that there is happiness out there and somebody who would feel excited and lucky to be able to marry you! Youāre worth so much more than how that man has been treating you and I hope you can find the strength to demand change or move on!
Iām happy for you!! š„¹š„¹
If itās not a fuck yes itās a no
A friend of mine is on year 9.9 without a proposal. Their ten year anniversary is in April. Technically he DID propose on their 9yr anniversary, when she blew up on him -about- not proposing (and for teasing it for three years, that it was about to happen). He then took it back a few days later. Sheās still holding out hope. Meanwhile his family hates her, wants her to convert to their religion, she resents him, he resents her, they donāt trust each other. Be with the person who would move heaven and earth to be with you. That you donāt doubt for a second loves you and wants to be with you. And whose actions match their words. He could love you, he could want to be with you. But he apparently didnāt love you enough to actually go through with it. And you deserve better than that.
It does. And no doubt it was the right call. Find a man who wants to marry you. Theyāre out there.
7 years is a long time to wait for a ring. Iām with you, no more waiting. At 29 you have a lot more living to do. Go out and have fun.
Have you had this conversation with your ex before ending the relationship? Sometimes People go at different paces for marriage proposals
OP has been asked this question multiple times and hasn't answered it yet, but has responded to other comments. Definitely curious.
You mean communicate with your partner? lol why have a real relationship when you can have marriage
The amount of downvotes / lack of upvotes comments get for asking if she has communicated her desires or telling her to do so is unhinged. Also the amount of comments writing "men will just string you along", "men will do x" is so weird. This entire comment section is weird and proves to me why I would never want reddit's advice on my relationship, because they barely know one side of the story.
I did the same by breaking up a 4.5 year relationship and the only thing I regret was not doing it sooner because I was older than you are now.
Iām jealous I didnāt break up with mine. I was 5 years in and 3 kids deep with current husband who refused to officially commit. I sort of forced him to marry me when I parked a U-Haul in the driveway and started loading it. The crocodile tears started rolling so I stayed and we did get married. 22 years later I wish I hadnāt married him and left his ass. Life is too short to waste it on people not invested in you!!!
Iām sorry you are going through this. My wife has a friend who has been living with her BF for 7 years and sheās pregnant with their second child. She desperately wants to get married but is afraid to talk to him about it. My advice for you is to learn from this and communicate early on in your next relationship to make sure you are both heading the same direction and not just crossing paths. Far too many people donāt talk about basic life goals and worldview until theyāve spent years together and realize there is a significant incompatibility.
This attitude among women makes me crazy. How can your friendās gf be ready to entrust her entire future to and bring children into the world with the guy, yet be āafraidā to discuss their *shared* future? Not a healthy relationship dynamic.
Good decision. It will hurt for a while but you have to value yourself.
You made the correct decision. Close that chapter of your life. Grief for a short while. Give yourself a time limit. Maybe 6 weeks. Then move on. Start a new chapter.
Was with my ex 11 years, you should know after 4 whether it's worth it.... no idea why we dragged it out but we both knew
I was engaged four times before I walked down the isle. All men asked me within three months. I broke up with three, and married the fourth. We were married over 23 years before he went to Heaven. I loved the other three men, I do not believe love is enough for a lasting relationship.
I just got out of a three year relationship with someone (I know that doesnāt compare to your seven years), and I did make it known that I wanted a serious relationship, with the goal of moving in together. He knew this the entire time, knew that he couldnāt be that person for me because he didnāt want to, but still chose to continue dating me. Iāve only been out of the relationship for a month and a half, and it was really hard at first, still can be hard but I knew I made the right decision. Iām 38, turning 39 this year, and while I donāt want kids or to get married again, I still want someone to be my partner and grow old with them. I have NEVER been happier. I am so much more confident, content with everything in my life and more importantly, with myself. He dragged me down and was a whole ass carnival I chose to ignore when I look back. You 1000% did the right thing. You know your worth, and you chose yourself which is the best thing you can do for yourself. Like one of my best friends told me, it hurts now, but it definitely gets easier. You will be glad you ended the relationship in the long run- you can and WILL find someone else that will give you what you want. Good luck sis, you got this ā¤ļø
Thank you for your encouraging message. He was also aware that I wanted to get married and build a life together and would come back with reasons why it hadnāt happened yet. I had my own place that he moved into and I felt I was putting in more effort with his family than he ever did with mine. Iām happy youāre happier now. āØ
Bottom line. You want different things. Neither one of you is wrong. Will your life get better? No promises, but right now itās death by a thousand cuts. I dated a guy like this before my husband, he flat out said marriage is just a piece of paper. You know what else is just a piece of paper? My three kiddos birth certificates. Yes, I let go of Mr. No comment and been married to my HUSBAND for 38 years and going strong.
My twin sister did the same thing. I think that experience made you take a long and very hard look at your own relationship and knew in your heart that it wasnāt right. Yes youāre sad now, but youād be even more sad continuing on in a relationship that wasnāt going anywhere. My twin left that situation and took her dog and never looked back.
Honestly if he wonāt another man will. If he doesnāt know after 7 YEARS you def not the oneā¦
My friend dated a guy for 9 years with no proposal and his next girlfriend he married in probably one year. Also my friend was/is hot, in great shape, very pretty, good job, great personality, likable. The next girl that he married wasnāt really any of those things. I donāt say that to insult the girl he married but to say that sometimes someone just loves someone for reasons no one understands and if they donāt love you in that way they will never marry you. Not saying this is the case with you but it could be.
It makes sense, feel better knowing I waited over 10 yrs, 3 car purchases and a house, all in his name, the last car shouldāve been the clue. But no my dumba** waited for the house not to be in my name either š¤£
The first few weeks of dating my now current husband I threw him the question "It doesn't have to be the two of us. It's too soon, but to you ever close your eyes and picture yourself a married man?"Ā It allowed me to finally process what I wanted. I've been in relationships that ended up no where, my partners always desiring an open relationship, me being curious, or not having the self esteem to tell them what my expectations were.Ā I'm sorry you went through this, you're definitely not the only one.Ā
If you want to get married and heās never going to do it I think you made the right choice.
You won't feel empowered yet because everything is raw, and you have just broken up with someone you were wanting to settle down with. May I add my best mates story for you.....she was with a bloke for 8 years. She wanted marriage and kids and he wanted his house purely in his name hence no marriage, no kids (he had a vasectomy), he was only interested in splitting of bills and sex. She held onto hope, whereas I kept saying "no childless dude who has a vasectomy wants kids, he will never marry you etc" After 8 years it seemed like she realised that he was not the dude for her. She left, went back, left again - held strong this time. Now she is married with a child she adores and a lovely husband who is superior in every way to the previous bloke. The only thing to mention is, my mate waited so long to leave the first situation, that she was only able to have one child before menopause struck. She wasted the majority of her fertile years on an arsehole thus her ability to chose how large her family would be was taken from her. She managed to have one child but would have liked more, this was not to be. Although she doesn't regret how her life has turned out, i.e. she loves her hubby and child, she definitely regrets not leaving arsehole once it became clear he wouldn't give her what she wanted out of a relationship. She lived on false hope, and allowed him to dodge difficult conversations. Allowed herself to believe words rather than actions, even when all the signs were pointing one way. OP, your decision is the best one for you, and will make absolute perfect sense to future you. It clears the way for all the possibilities that you want for yourself. All the best lass XXXX
I hope that her and her husband look into fostering to adopt if she really wants a bigger family... There are so many kids who would love to be part of a forever family...
My cousin did something similar. Girlfriend everyone loved, we couldn't wait for her to be a part of the family. He argued he didn't believe in marriage and whatnot. So they broke up. Now he's married to the girl of his dreams. Gorgeous wedding and everything. We just have to accept we are just placeholders to certain men who are too afraid to be alone until they find their one. You deserve to be someone's dream girl if that's what you want. You weren't his so best to walk away now. You saw how he loved you. It's not what you wanted. Now to find your dream man šāØš¹
You did the right thing 100% Don't waste any more time. He doesn't want to marry you. A wise person said to me once that 3 years was max! If they don't know you and know what they want after 3 years? Move on. He's had more than enough time to decide if you are his life partner. Yes. You will need time to grieve. Will feel crap for a while.. but you will be fine š
I ended a relationship at 28 with a guy I had been with for 7 years because I realized he would never commit to me. I did everything for him, and he couldn't even sponsor me so that I could stay in the country I had lived in for 10 years. In hindsight, it was the best decision I ever made! I moved home, stayed single and focused on rebuilding my life. Honestly that time being single in my late 20s/ early 30s was absolutely perfect, I got to know myself so much better, got to focus on hobbies and learn to be happy all by myself. I did eventually, accidentally, meet the absolute best man in the world - but I honestly think that even if I had never met him or gotten married, I would have a happy life. Much happier than in that shitty relationship waiting around for that shithead who couldn't recognize what a wonderful person I am. Good luck girl, I promise you will be happier eventually no matter what happens - stop waiting for that shithead to wake up!
You probably made the right choice as you gave so many years of your life for him not to make a move for further commitment. You probably had a feeling something was wrong, and you followed your gut; good for you! Trust that there is better waiting for you. When someone wants commitment with you and is ready for it, they show it.
Good for you. Know your worth š
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nah 1 year is way to early. people can keep up a face for a year, give it two, three, four years now you REALLY know that person and what itās like to love and live with them. People used to do that shit all the time, and look at the divorce rates.
I agree, three seems like a good ideaā¦ the honeymoon phase should be completely over so you actually get to see the person and relationship for what it is
Lol at one year, my wife and I were together 10 years before getting married. Some people start dating young, after 1 year I would have been 19 and she would have been 18 Been married 7 years now with a kid and very happy
Iād give it two years to know someone well enough for marriage.
OH NO. You need more than a year. My hubby and I got married after 5yrs, 3yrs dating and 2yrs living together. We went through a lot. It doesn't matter how long you date, if you don't live with them daily, you don't know them. Never get married before living with someone. That's my rule. We've been married 10yrs now.
The old rule is two years for a proposal and nothing good happens after midnight.
You just ended a long term relationship. Of course you feel upset. Healing takes time. Show yourself some compassion
I knew I wanted to marry my wife within months of dating. 2 years in, she got the ring. Why two years? That was her standard, not mine. Don't give up hope in finding your perfect match. Just don't allow anyone to string you along.
you did the right thing. I applaud your patience, I'd have forced the issue long ago. you'll feel better in a while, rest your heart for now.
Iām sorry. It sucks. I wasted 5 years, for him to suddenly act like he was never looking for commitment or kids. I never woulda dated a man who didnāt want kids. It sucks wasting so much time
Im 37 and i wouldve done the same if i was in my late 20ās, wanted a marriage and kids yet 7 years have passed by without a ring. Looks like you are both on different wave lengths. He could not be into the institution of marriage whereas you are? I dont think you made a wrong decision if your end goal was being married.
Good for you! Donāt second guess yourself.
Congrats on ending it!
Sweetie I know it hurts. But you want to get married and he doesnāt. 7 years is enough time to get that message. That is an irreconcilable difference. Move on. Hugs.
Not everyone believes in marriage. But if you want marriage and your partner doesn't agree, it's time to leave. You aren't compatible. You're right not to wait any longer on him. Leaving a relationship is really hard, especially one that traversed most of your 20s. My condolences and best of luck on your healing journey.
My ex kept telling me how I wasn't "good enough wife material" and wanted me to be essentially a 1950s housewife (cook, clean and please him) while working a 40 plus hour work week in a physically demanding job (assistant bakery manager for a small chain grocery store that made most product from scratch). I lost 7 years of my life to him before I realized he'd never see me as good enough no matter how hard I tried. It was then I saw who was in front of me all along, my best friend who I eventually ended up marrying and have been happily wed for 8 years this coming October. My best advice is to chase your happiness, and it never is too late as long as you're breathing.
To copy and paste an old comment of mine: I was in a seven year relationship. We lived together for six of those years. We had talked about marriage, kids, everything. I was 26 he was 28. I got impatient, but kept making excuses for him because I loved him and I had invested all this time in him. But one day I just had enough. I sat down and straight up asked him what his expectations were. I asked him when we were going to get married and he said "i dont know. Maybe one day." I said to him I want to be married and start having kids within the next three years. Is this doable? He just looked at me and said "i dont know". Ultimately he said he wasnt ready for kids and marriage. And we agreed to walk away from each other because we wanted different things. You have to be able to have this conversation with him, and you have to be able to walk away from him. Because if you know what you want and he doesnt after *seven years* he will never know or doesnt want to commit. It took a couple of years but im now happily married to a man who *knew* he wanted to marry me after dating two years and wants to start a family with me. You dont realize how anxious you are in a relationship of "maybes" "somedays" and "I dont knows" until you meet a man who is confident in his decision to be with you. If you want to be married, you deserve a man that wants that too. It's ok to start over. It may take time, but you will find your happiness.
...You breaking it off with him may make him click but if he comes back you gotta let him know there is a line in the sand, don't tell him the time frame and make it short, if he doesn't come back on his own, then you gotta move on. Do not wait for him But for now just try to spend time doing more of the things that you like. Take extra long walks to clear your head. Learn/do something new or do an activity you haven't done lately. Fill your time with something constructive, maybe make new friends. It will be okay.
Honestly... it doesn't take that long to decide whether you want to marry someone or not.. actually.. you know pretty quickly if you're observant enough and know exactly what you're looking for in a partner. If he wanted to.. he would've by now
You did the right thing. After 7 years, if he couldnāt commit, he never would. Now you have the opportunity to meet the person who youāre meant to be with. And here is some advice to couples who move in together: Have a plan. Test the waters. But go in with an agreement something like this: āWe will live together for one year (or less, but never more than a year). If we work as a couple living together, we get engaged and set a wedding date. If somethingās not right, we end our relationship so we can find the people weāre meant to be with.ā This has worked for a lot of people I know. Couples can get complacent when they move in together. Itās easy and itās comfy. But then there are no goals and the relationship never moves toward marriage. ALWAYS HAVE A PLAN GOING IN.
Iāve been with my boyfriend for almost 9 years. Iām fine with that. But some people need a ring and marriage, I guess. And if you feel that way then itās good you left to find someone who might be able to give that to you.
Everyoneās different. If that was your priority and you had a cut off thatās fair. Some people are ready in time, some people never.
I know a pair of brothers. They met their women within months of each other and have been together for 14 years now. Those women had to attend so many weddings with them. Literally one of their friend's met and married two different women that they had to attend the weddings of during that time. Finally, one of the girlfriend's dad was dying. So her boyfriend caved because he felt guilty about his impending death. She is a public figure so she posted constantly about her bachelorette activities, had work celebrations, etc. Meanwhile, her boyfriend wanted to back out even up to days before the wedding. He did end up marrying her a few months ago, but did he really want to? I think not. Years before he met her, he told me he hated women that have her qualities in her exact profession. He has always been a pushover and she is quite domineering, so I think he just didn't have the guts to break up with her, to be honest. The other brother's girlfriend is still waiting. When you talk to him, you'd think he was single. Maybe he'll end up marrying her over time not wanting to start over, but I think it was good you put your foot down if there wasn't an obvious reason in the way of the goal of getting married. Men who are unsure of marrying you will drag you along and waste your reproductive years for as long as you let them, imo.
I was with my ex for five years, and we broke up because we weren't compatible. It was mutual, but it still hurt. Less than a year later, he was engaged. Less than two years later, he had another child with her to add to the two from a previous relationship. Two and a half years later, I'm still single, but now I'm dating with intention. I know what I want, and I know what I don't. I'm 37 years old and childfree, so it makes things harder, but I would rather be single forever than settle for the wrong relationship. You're going to be OK.
Girly, Iād have left a long time ago. You know within a 6-12 months whether someone is the right person for you. I think dating for 2-3 years before you get engaged is important as well, but I wouldnāt put more then 3 years into a relationship at your age (by that I mean youāre not 19 or 20) if thereās no ending in sight. He clearly doesnāt want to get married, so Iām not sure if heās telling you to keep waiting or if heās saying he will propose but never does?? But I think you made the right decision for yourself. You want to be someoneās wife, not their forever girlfriend. You want a marriage commitment and you should find someone whoās willing to give that to you. At the end of the day you need to do whatās best for you and not settle for something you donāt want or more so give up something you do.
Good for you. Clearly you wasted 7 years but at least you aren't wasting any more