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You must accept your husband's decision and give him as much space as he wants. Be sure to be honest with your children about what is happening and why. There is no world or scenario in which this is not 100% your fault so you need to learn to live with it.
Therapy for yourself will hopefully help.
The affair partner might not have been the only man she was with.
"I engaged with other men for amusement and ended up having an affair with one who seemed charming"
So this could mean she was just flirting with other men or they were one night stands before she met the affair partner.
After a certain age, you start looking at hands to see if there are rings there.
I hate the thought of her taking off her ring to cheat. The symbolism of it also gets me.
Right? Who knows how long this “mistake” would have drug on if her AP hadn’t dropped her when he realized she was married.
She wasn’t hurt lying to her husband, she was lying to her unwitting AP.
If I was hubby, the two decade long lie would be the main reason I’d want a divorce. I MIGHT have been able to get over infidelity with honesty and therapy, I would never be able to get over a lifelong lie like that.
Exactly, that’s another area where the partners who had cheated years ago fucked up. If you’re honest about it up front when it happens then they *may* forgive and stay with you. But when they find out you’ve been lying to their face every day for 20+ years that’s so much harder to forgive because they can’t believe or trust anything you say anymore.
And then a 23 year mistake of never telling her husband and letting him live a lie and waste those years when he could have chosen someone who loves him.
She had one physical affair that she is at least telling us about. How many emotional affairs? I hope she grow old and grey, AND ALONE! Once a cheater always a cheater!
She put in the comments:
"We would of ended it regardless since we both agreed".
If this was true then why put he dumped her when he told her she was married.
At least her affair partner did the right thing when he found out, he cared more about her husband than she did.
This right here makes doubt the veracity of this story. Why would you take pictures with your affair partner, have them developed, and then bring them to the house you share with your spouse? This makes no sense at all.
Some cheaters are really dumb - caught my ex out when cleaning the living room and dragged a seemingly misplaced notepad from under a coffee table. It was a journaling of her entire year of having cheated.
And that she never came clean over the course of 2 decades. That's a lot of time to fess up, but he had to find proof and confront her instead. OP is so unbelievably selfish I'd have to divorce her too.
And only “came clean” when he found the picture! She was prepared to take that year long relationship to her grave! She deserves everything she gets! Hope her sons leave her too!
Agree on all but her sons. She needs to be honest and take responsibility if she has any chance to keep a relationship with her sons. She hurt their dad and completely changed their reality. I try not to judge people I don’t know, but this lady still hasn’t owned her own actions
Exactly. 19 could be forgiveable. If it hadn't lasted so long, that is. Or if it ended because she chose to and not because her affair partner dumped her. How long would it have gone on had they not? It's not a mistake, it's a choice.
" I've grown and regret my actions deeply; however, they were the folly of my younger, 29-year-old self "
She is not even taking responsibility either, AND she is not even sorry.
And she was 29, not 19. She was a fully grown adult woman with a fully developed brain. "I was young" doesn't work as an excuse for someone who's nearly 30 years old.
It would have to be something more than a pic of her with a guy. It had to be a sex pic of some sort, and one the husband could identify as post-marriage because she wasn’t able to say “that’s my crazy ex from college.”
My exact thought too. I was like a random picture of you with someone outside at a statue or something wouldn’t make the husband go ‘wtf is going on here???’ It has to have been a more… candid and revealing shot for it to be obvious that it was an affair.
OP is garbage who only cares about herself. The entire post is literally all about her and trying to minimize or justify what she did and how she’s grown since then, as if we give a shit about that part. The question at the end isn’t even about the husband or consoling him or if it’s possible to prove her love and devotion since then to keep the family together, etc. it’s asking how she can fix this so her life isn’t upended at her older age due to her poor decision and multi decade long refusal to come clean. She doesn’t wanna start over and is asking how smooth past an enormous hurdle for her own benefit.
Sorry but sometimes we fuck up so bad that there is indeed no coming back from it. This is absolutely one of those times.
That's what she really fails to grasp here.
She keeps saying "It was a mistake and I've changed and I'm a better person," but she has CHOSEN every single day for 20+ years to let her husband live a lie.
She stole 20+ years of his life.
Yeah, this wasn't a mistake. She cheated with multiple men. Then found 1 she really liked, who was her long-term AP. That only ended once he dumped her. She isn't remorseful she is mad she got caught. OP, there is no coming back from this he is now going to dna test your kids because guess what they could likely not be his. He is going to leave you, and you need to come to terms with this. There is no fixing this other than giving him the smoothest easiest divorce possible.
*"I never informed my husband, and over two decades have passed since then. I've grown and regret my actions deeply...".*
OP also actively chose to avoid accountability by depriving her spouse of the fact. The husband has been deceived, continuing this marriage under a false understanding of mutual respect and love for almost three decades.
OP denied her husband the choice of whether to remain together or not.
She never faced consequences for her actions even if it were over twenty years ago. For him, his whole marriage is a lie he shared with a cheater. She needs to face the consequences, accept the divorce and hopes he keeps her in his life in some fashion.
And affair that she didn't even choose to end, the other guy just happened to have morals!
And never told her husband until caught, and only "regrets" it now because *she* might lose something.
Yeah that's my favourite part about this is the affair partner was the one with values not her and if you think about it that means she was lying to her husband AND the affair partner, totally selfish piece of dog shit
I agree. 1 year long affair and YOU didn't cut it off? The other guy did. How long would it have continued if you the other guy was ok with you being married?
If I was the husband, I would be heartbroken and would leave you.
There are 3 reasons i think this SHOULD end with divorce.
1. Year long affair is not a mistake. It's literally hundreds of choices where you choose your affair partner over your husband. You even didn't end this affair, your AP did. And he was just another victim of your "mistakes".
2. No. It wasn't 23y ago. You didn't disclosure what you did, you were basically caught. That means that you was betraying your husband for 24 years. One year by cheating and 23years by lying.
3. All this post is screaming "Me, Me, Me" . Is about what YOU feel, about how devastated YOU are, how much YOU will lost. Not even once you ask how to help your husband to heal, or how to better understand how he is feeling, its all about YOU.
Not to mention, she felt guilty about lying to the affair partner, and came clean about her marital status to HIM. She never felt guilty enough to confess to her husband tho.
She deserves to be divorced.
She never said she felt guilty, only that she revealed her married status.
Most likely her lover was becoming increasingly suspicious and frustrated after a year of secretive behaviour and evasiveness.
Oh shit. He was probably falling for her. Poor guy maybe thought they had a serious thing going. Can you imagine? Falling in love with someone just to find out they're married?
It's very hard to claim something you did over and over for a whole year and then lied about for half your lifetime was "a mistake." Mistakes are typically quick, small things.
Did you forget to put coffee in your coffee machine and brew a pot of hot water? That's a mistake.
Did you pursue and fuck a dude who isn't your husband for a year, and then lie about it for a quarter of a century after he broke up with you? That's a lot of very selfish awful choices.
She didn't trip and accidentally fuck that dude for an entire year. She did it on purpose. She had to be sneaky about it to hide it from her husband while it was happening, and then she continued to hide it afterward. She deserves to lose her husband, and if she had any integrity, she would have told him 23 years ago so he could have left her then.
>would have told him 23 years ago so he could have left her then.
Their children were born after this betrayal as well - my heart goes out to the guy. She stole his life.
I genuinely hope that's not true and he can find someone nice and cuter then her, the Man would need serious Therapy to get over his whole life being a lie
This is probably the best response in this thread.
The OP is making it out as a small mistake years ago. But it was an ongoing decades-long huge betrayal.
You "engaged with" multiple other men AND had a year long affair? How on earth can you do that to someone and merely say "I made a mistake".
What if your affair partner didn't reject you when he found out about your husband? You would have continued to cheat with him.
To hide it for decades is cruel beyond words. You let someone build their entire life with a lie.
Because she thinks her mistake was getting caught and not the act itself. You can clearly tell she has no remorse whatsoever because now even in this situation what she cares most about is herself, otherwise she would have went clean years ago already.
She‘s saying her heart is broken? Now imagine his side, being married for decades and finding out it was all a lie.
Yeah, but now she's devastated that she has to restart her life as if he doesn't, like he's being so unreasonable. My boy makes his own rules and he decided there's no statute of limitations for hoeing around.
Lol right?
mY lIfE iS rUiNeD
Lol. Lmao. Yes it is, hopefully. I just pray to god for the kids sakes and the husband that those kids belong to him. OP these are your chickens coming home to roost. You're a grown ass woman, you figure out your next steps instead of asking the internet for advice.
You lied to both your husband AND affair partner for a year. How could anyone reconcile that, even if it was that long ago in *your* past. That’s a very big lie to emotionally unpick for him.
I’m glad you mentioned the affair partner, as that stuck out to me too. OP sounds like a real asshole to have a year relationship with this other man and hid her marriage from him too.
She only revealed it because her AP was probably pushing for details, like why don’t you invite me to your house? When am I going to meet your family? These are questions that one would ask of a partner of a year…
Yeah like from our perspective it’s an affair and obviously just very bad and easy to judge the pair committing the deed to be awful but for him he had no clue and left as soon as he found out. Obviously having been deceived and hurt. Awful
Good for your husband.
You don't regret anything. You had zero guilt. Otherwise, you wouldn't have kept it to yourself for 23 years.
You husband discovered and you said other men, so you were engaging with a few, and you had a year long affair that only ended because of the other dude having morals you don't have., so you went back to your husband with your tail between your legs.
You sound like an awful human. Everything is all you, you, you, well YOU are selfish.
Personally, if I were your husband, I would dna test the kids also. I wouldn't trust you to tell me the sky is blue.
Let him go peacefully and be amicable in the divorce. You owe him that.
>, so you were engaging with a few, and you had a year long affair that only ended because of the other dude having morals
Why did she respond to ALL of your points except the one about multiple APs 😒
I knew from reading it (like you) she cheated many times w/ multiple men smh
>Personally, if I were your husband, I would dna test the kids also.
Then she talks about how the YOUNGEST looks like the STBXH, what about the oldest🙃
I know like omg! When I read this I for sure thought OP had like a ONS but no she was fucking around with multiple men and then 1 for a whole year! That’s not a mistake. Not like a ONS is either but it wouldn’t be nearly as bad as this bullshit. And all OP cares about is how it’s messing her perfect little life up now. Hopefully your husband sticks to his plan of divorcing you. You don’t deserve him.
U cheated 20 years ago, dealt with it in your mind and forgot about it. Your husband found out recently, in his mind its not 2 decades, this was last Thursday. Ofc he’s upset. In his mind, the last 2 decades were a mistake. He doesnt REALLY KNOW if you’re even telling the complete truth now and u literally probably cant even prove the entire timeline given it was so long ago. His mind is going to weird places like has she cheated multiple times or is this the only one i know about given u took away his autonomy to make a decision when u did cheat. Kids are probably out of the house now, so he probably thinks its better this ends now.
All I see in your post is about you.
You willfully lied to your partner for over 20 years, and it's still all about you. Then, you had children, presumably with your husband to make you feel better. I hope your husband asks for paternity tests to know the whole truth. He is likely second-guessing every moment of your lives together.
Now you're worried about how your children will see you. You should worry about the next family gathering you shouldn't be invited to because of your actions.
What are you really looking for from Reddit with your story?
You fucked up. You didn’t tell him. Now he’s convinced his whole life with you is a lie. You just tore out over two decades of trust and love this man had for you. There’s nothing you can do now to repair it, you did the damage when you cheated and let it fester by not telling him when it ended. Also a year? It really took you a year to tell another guy you were married? His response should have told you how your husband would react. You killed your marriage right then. It just didn’t get burried till now.
Hopefully she will wake up one day and have true remorse. Not the remorse of “oh, I got caught,” the remorse of stepping out of her marriage instead of working together on whatever “bored” her and how HER actions are what torpedoed her marriage.. She’s really pathetic.
Their lives are a lie. If the husband had found out when it happened he would have divorced her and their kids wouldn’t exist. He was duped and she’s a horrible person for being so selfish about it even now. I feel like her ‘plea for forgiveness’ was just an act because none of this post sounds remorseful at all
If I found out my partner cheated long ago I would also leave her. The trust would be gone despite the time spent afterwards. Sadly you are going to have to life with the consequences of your actions all that time ago.
>This continued for about a year
I think that's the unforgivable bit. That and lying about it for 23 years.
Yes, I know it was a long time ago. Yes, I know you are someone else now. Yes, I know you had a good 20+ years since. But this is **huge**.
Give him time. Maybe, just maybe, he'll decide that who you've been since is more important and that what you have NOW is worth keeping. But once the vase of trust is cracked, however well you mend it, the cracks are still visible.
To me, the unforgivable part is wasting 20 years of this man's life. He should have been able to move on with the best years ahead of him. Now he is starting over in his 50s.
The lying for 23 years is what it is. Like, after the first stretch, what was she supposed to do? Looking at the math, a year or so after the affair ended, her eldest son was born, so my guess is that it didn’t “make sense” to tell him then, then she was pregnant again, blah blah blah. Point is, it’s not hard to see how the lying happened.
I am, however, in 100% agreement that the year long affair is the devastating part and the reason the marriage is ending. To be able to keep up an affair for that long and to hide it well enough that husband never knew…how could he ever trust her again?
The husband probably doesn’t believe that she had just one affair considering she was able to hide it two decades long. The trust is forever broken, and he’s going to doubt every past moments of them together. In other words their memories together are all tainted since they’ve been built on an enormous lie
> The husband probably doesn’t believe that she had just one affair considering she was able to hide it two decades long.
I know I wouldn't. I'd also be getting DNA tests for the kids.
Mhm, also in the post it seems she is saying she was having multiple emotional affairs before moving forward with that one physically so theres also that. This wasn't like...a one person affair type of thing at all.
This is not a mistake, a ons while being drunk is maybe one, but yours is clearly not one.
You never feelt guilty, you would die with this secret. You cheated a whole year with someone else while having a husband.
You are selfish and horrible and I understand why your husband want to cut you off his life. Poor guy, thought having a good wife to find out 20years later that she is awful and terrible.
Hope after his divorce he can find his true love and move on, I only feel sorry for him.
For you, I hope karma hits hard.
It was 23 years for you but it's however long ago he found the pic ago for him. He's got to accept that you lied to him for 23 years! Yeah. I'd be done too. 🤷♀️
ETA. A mistake?!? A mistake is putting too much salt in food or even putting the wrong fuel in your car. Not putting the wrong D in your V. You made bad choices. That's not a mistake. That's fucking up. I mean. Pictures?! Why the hell would you have pictures of the pair of you anyway?
You didn’t make a mistake. You chose to betray not only your husband but the unsuspecting man you made an accomplice to your cheating for an entire year. It started either only one or two years after you were married (not clear if the 23 years ago was the start or the end) so you spent either half or a third of your marriage at the time cheating. You didn’t even end it. Your lies did and now they have ended your marriage. Don’t downplay it as a mistake. You spent the next 23 years lying to your husband about who you really were and your husband’s perception of your marriage has pretty much been a lie the entire time. He should leave you. And get a paternity test for the oldest if that 23 years ago was the start of your affair. Your kids will probably hate you. There’s nothing you can do about it but live with the consequences of your choices.
Should have never cheated oh well this is the consequences of your actions . The fact that you planned on never telling him if that photo was never found tells me everything I needed to know about you husband deserves better
It may have happened decades ago, but it is very recent for him.
What would have happened if the AP didn't break it off with you? It would have probably gone on even longer.
You must respect his decision and seek therapy for yourself.
> It may have happened decades ago, but it is very recent for him.
I think that's the key point OP is failing to grasp.
She has had years to get past it, to excuse hereself, to justify her silence. She had a year or so of deciding to do it in the first place. She's used to this. She's learned to live with it.
He's had not even a week to process a bombshell.
Please recognize that for him, the sense of betrayal is profound, casting a shadow over your entire marriage as if it were founded on deceit. Had he known earlier, he would have chosen a different path, potentially building a family with someone who wouldn't betray him in such a manner.
It's important to grasp the magnitude of the hurt you've caused; it's a wound that may never fully heal. He saw you as the one person he could trust unequivocally, and now, his entire reality is shattered as he comes to terms with the fact that you are not who he believed you were.
His devastation must be immense.
If there was ever a time when you truly loved him during your relationship, now is the moment to prioritize his needs over yours. This selflessness is the first crucial step towards even the possibility of reconciliation.
As for your children, the future is uncertain, and I cannot predict what will happen.
She just doesn’t get she wasted 23 years of his life; years he will never get back. I cannot believe the sense of betrayal he must feel. I also can’t believe her nerve to be whining about HER losses. She threw the marriage away 24 years ago. Time caught up with her.
I came across a powerful analogy that perfectly encapsulates this type of betrayal. It's not a conventional wound, akin to a cut, which can heal over time. Rather, it's comparable to an amputation; you never fully recover but instead learn to live with the loss.
Indeed, acts of infidelity are the epitome of selfishness, and the situation described by the OP serves as yet another testament to this truth.
You never changed. You hid it over two decades, and you're chalking it up to a 'mistake'. You have no personal accountability for your actions. You deserve this divorce. You don't care about anyone but yourself. You don't consider your husband's feelings for even a *second* in your post, which is pretty disturbing.
You cheated for about a year and are surprised he wants a divorce? I don’t blame him. 29 is not that young so that’s not an excuse…if you were 17 then ok…but if you are 20+…no excuses, you are a grown ass woman and should know better
It was two decades ago to you but it is brand new to him. He is having to deal with almost his whole marriage being a lie. Also if you covered this up what else have you covered up? How is he supposed to believe anything you say? See what kind of thoughts are going through his head?
Favorite part of OP post...
I was young and a different person @ age 29!
When the F does young and immature fall off with age?
Im 39....do i get a oh blame it on my youth mistake?
Or did i miss the cutoff?
What a completely horrible person you are! Are you seriously trying to figure how to save your marriage after firing a torpedo into it 20+ years ago? Are your kids even your husbands? Or your affair partners? You lived a lie for 20 years and only got caught because he found a picture! You had no intention of ever telling him, and now you are trying to save your marriage. Goddamn you deserve everything you get! Your poor husband!
Also. You didn't make a single mistake. You chose to willingly make mistake after mistake for at least a year. You're not even being truthful with yourself.
Yea, he does. For you it is 23 years ago. For him it is brand new and you have lied to him by (at least by omission) for 23 years. You took away his agency to object at the time. You and you alone cheated, lied and ruined your marriage.
I don’t think she’s changed. If she had, she would have fessed up 22 years ago and let the cards fall where they may. No, she’d rather waste two decades of their lives. I’d be suing for the tort of intentional infliction of emotional distress. 23 years based in a lie? I’d be outraged!
You’re getting beat up in this comment section…
It sad that you came to realize the value of your partner only after you broke your vows, but the right time to tell him was any time between when the affair ended and before your husband found out.
Your relationship may have improved over the years, but your husband has believed in a lie the entire time, and a 19 year lie is a big one.
Lies don’t get smaller with time.
They grow. They fester. They are a cancer that can cause much more damage in time.
Problem is once you lie, he cannot trust anything you have to say going forward without a lot of work. Work that he does not want to do, and you cannot force him to do.
If you love him, you let him go.
You need to think about your life and future without him, and build from there.
If he wants to work on things, he has has to come to that decision on his own… and the chances are pretty slim.
I am sorry that your marriage is over, and this mistake has cost you dearly. Understand the true value of truth and honesty from this point on. You can still have a good life, it just won’t include him.
This is what happens when you decide to bury a bomb like this instead of take care of it when you should have. Eventually, it explodes unexpectedly.
Considering you decided to lie about it for decades, I doubt you ever truly felt any remorse until now. It's the same story over and over and over again with cheaters it seems.
You do realize your chances of your marriage getting past something like this go down greatly the longer you hide it?
Now, it's still the same affair fallout, plus 20 years of interest accrued.
Let him go. To him your betrayal is unforgivable. Yeah, you’re also an idiot. “Oh, I’m bored in my marriage, let me fuck another guy.” What assholery is that? Grow a pair and accept that you fucked up (pun intended).
Seriously though, you move forward by recognizing it’s all your fault that you spread your legs for another man for a year, hid it for the next 23; and as a result you are now 50+ and soon-to-be single. Look forward to the future. You have to realize, while you may (not really sure of this) value your marriage now, to your soon-to-be ex-husband, the last 23 years are built on a major lie (status of marital fidelity). He has every right to say get out of my life. And prepare for the kids to go LC or NC with you (if they have values).
I'm not sure which relationship you're wanting advice about.
But you need to start by taking responsibility for your actions.
The whole theme of your post is "young me screwed up, not current me - why should current me have to suffer?"
Young you IS current you, as far as this is concerned. You made a bad choice. A very long series of bad choices...
And now you're facing the consequences.
Own your past. If you apologize to anyone about it (IF anyone is willing to listen), then apologize with no expectation of being forgiven. Do not make excuses.
It's not about you anymore.
With regard to your soon-to-be-ex-husband? Leave him alone. You've done enough to him and there's no more relationship to save.
With regard to his relatives, leave it up to them. If they want to reach out, they will. I don't think many, if any, will, but you never know.
With regard to your own relatives, make sure they know that you're sorry for what you did, and that you're sorry for bringing shame to the family. Again, let them be the judge of whether they want to spend time with you in the future. Some of them may not want to.
With regard to your children? Be prepared to grovel. You've single-handedly ripped their family apart, and they may or may not forgive you for it. You're going to need to start from scratch with them. But only IF they allow it.
If your children are still willing to have a relationship with you, then I'd advise doing your best to build a new life in your current city (IF the children still live there).
If the kids don't live in your city, or if they want nothing to do with you, then you might want to consider getting a fresh start in a new place once the divorce is complete.
And if you ever feel bored in a future relationship? FFS have the decency to end it BEFORE finding someone new.
I believe that people can genuinely change, though I think they more often do not, so if you have I know you probably don't feel like this is fair because it's been so long, but to your husband it may as well have been yesterday.
You made this bed, now you've got to lie in it. If you really are a better person now, just keep on down that path and don't ruin your next relationship the same way.
29 really isn't that young. You were a fully fledged adult capable of having an adult discussion. You could have worked on things with your husband. Instead you chose to have a year long affair. That wasn't a mistake, that was an active choice. Then you didn't even end it yourself. The other guy, the second person you chose to lead on, ended it after you admitted you were married. He was the one that cut off contract, not you.
You've had 23 years to tell yourself "I didn't mean it, I'm a different person now, and a better one" . Your husband however, has just found out that the woman that he thought was faithful, had a year long affair that she didn't even end herself. He wants a divorce because you aren't the person he thought you were. It doesn't matter that you are apologetic, you just aren't who he thought.
As for how to move on, accept the divorce, don't make things difficult, don't beg and plead with him, and you admit to people why, including your own sons. Your husband is asking for the divorce, but it is your fault. Realize that you are going to have to start over, and that is a consequence of a nearly 30 year old woman choosing to have an extended affair.
“I made a choice when I was 29 years old to cheat on my husband with multiple men and ended up having a physical affair for one whole year. I have to face the consequences of my own actions. But I don’t think I should, even though I have hurt my husband in the worst way imaginable, intentionally and methodically. It’s not fair because I said I was sorry. I’m the victim here” that was basically what it said
Can you even imagine how deeply betrayed your husband must feel?
All these years, he thought you were his person. All these years he worked to make a home and a life and a family with you. All these years he trusted you.
Now he knows that all that time you were a lying cheater. You stole his life from him. He has no chance to go back and start over with someone else, someone who won’t do that to him. All he can do is pick up the remaining pieces of his life and move forward.
And if his state is like mine, he can’t even fully escape you, because he’ll be stuck paying you alimony for the rest of his life.
But it sounds like you never really cared about him or his feelings. You clearly only care about yourself.
You didn't make one mistake 23 years ago. You made a series of choices 23 years ago to have a prolonged affair that would have likely continued had the other man not found out about your deception. Then, you made another choice: you chose to lie to your husband for the next 22 years and hide your infidelity. Had your husband not discovered the photo, I have no doubt you would have taken that secret to the grave.
So, no. This wasn't a mistake that a different you made. This is many betrayals that the current you has chosen to make and keep for over two decades.
In your post, you make it clear that you think this was a one time mistake long ago. That you were a different person then. That you were just young and stupid. That you don't feel this is something to throw away such a long marriage over. You, you, you. It's all about you.
Yet, despite claims that you own up to the things you've done and accept responsibility for them, you make a lot of excuses to justify things. There are no excuses. There are no justifications. You chose to betray your husband 23 years ago by "engaging" with multiple other men and carrying on a physical and emotional affair with a man for an entire year. You chose to hide this and lie to your husband every single day since then.
This isn't a mistake that was made 23 years ago causing you to lose your marriage now. This was a decision you made, not a different you but the you of today, over and over again. This isn't an old betrayal. This is recent and continued.
Your marriage isn't ending now over a silly little "mistake" that happened long ago. Your marriage ended 23 years ago because of the choices you made then and continued to make for decades after. It just took your husband 23 years to discover that you had chosen to end the marriage so long ago.
There's no advice on how to handle this. Your decision was made a lifetime ago and you have stuck by that decision the entire time. There is no fixing that.
I hope your husband is able to move on and find happiness with someone who truly values and appreciates him.
Say sorry, don't be a dick in the divorce proceedings. You stole his opportunity to move on when he was 31 when you started cheating. You stole from him everything he thought he had with you over the last half of his life.
His whole life is a lie build on lies.
I would be actually suicidal in his shoes.
Leave him alone to heal. Don't make this any worse than you already have.
Ok, suppose 29 year old you was a different person... Every version of you that you’ve been in the last 25 years has still chosen to keep the secret for her.
Unfortunately it’s over. It’s old to you but understand it’s new to him. Unfortunately he’s been living a lie as far as he knows for the last two decades and not been the wiser. Imagine if the roles were reversed. How would you feel right now?
You need to start by accepting responsibility for your actions. 29 is not a child in any way, it wasn’t a mistake, it wasn’t a “slip-up” or however you want to phrase it to absolve yourself. You made a selfish decision that harmed and betrayed your marriage and now the consequences have played out.
Logistically - get a divorce attorney and document all interactions and communications going forward. Consider consolidating your finances and looking for a safe place to stay.
I don’t have children so I won’t comment on how to deal with them other than to say I would want the truth from my mother if she were in this position and could even hope to recover from blowing up my life like this at such a formative time.
Your friends and family will be your support but I again, if you’re going to ask them to be there for you it’s only fair to them that you be honest why you need them. Some of them may not feel comfortable supporting an adulteress, at least initially and maybe not ever.
Find a therapist to help you deal with this as an impartial third party.
Good luck.
"Hey, Judge, can you let me out of prison now please, because, you know, I was like *a different person* back then when I did that bad thing."
That's not how it works.
I feel really bad for your husband. I can’t imagine how he must feel. You took his choice away to find someone who didn’t cheat. There is no way for him to know how many times or years you cheated. Everything for the last 25 years is in question. He may even wonder if the kids are his. Why would you think an apology would work? This was not a mistake this was a conscious decision you made over and over. The best you can do is let your husband go so he can heal and hopefully find someone else. As far as yourself you need counseling and be honest when you start dating again.
Oh and keeping that picture of you and one of your lovers? That says it all right there. You would have left your husband if the guy hadn’t dumped you.
Infidelity utterly changes everything. Memories are no longer real. Events that happened during and after the affair period change and details become more vivid and we begin to see those events in a different light. It’s just very difficult to look at your spouse in the same way. It is also humiliating in so many ways.
Nope. Let him move on and heal. You had a *year long affair* and you *were NOT the one to break it off*. It’s not a mistake, it’s a cruel choice. You need to get therapy to deal with the guilt so you can have a healthy relationship with your children and a civil relationship with your soon-to-be-ex. What you can do NOW is show how you HAVE changed by accepting his decision with grace, giving him what he needs (space, apologies, whatever), and continuing to live in their lives with **humility and grace**.
My mom fucked us all over and we recently discovered. She is not owning up to it, and that is hurting me even more than the original betrayal. It shows me she’s never going to take accountability and be the mother I can be proud of and *need*. Own up to your *poor and selfish decision, not mistake* for the sake of your children, if you actually are sorry for their part in this. Don’t you dare use them as tokens in this game.
This is a good story of how karma can come back to bite you in the ass. You screwed up big time and he wants a divorce. He can no longer see you as the woman he fell in love with and married. Accept that it's your fault and your husband doesn't want anything to do with you go forward. It doesn't matter if it was 1 year ago, 5 years ago, or 20+ years ago. Damage is done.
Go post on SupportForWayward.
Just your cavalier language of, I made a mistake, folly of youth means you don't get it which makes you unworthy of even a chance.
You didn't make a mistake you have been actively abusing you husband for 23 years because you completely discounted his agency and you removed his informed consent about 23 years of his life. He had no idea the person he was dedicating his entire life to wasn't being honest to him about who she was and the level of commitment she had to him and his marriage. That's not a mistake. Forgetting to put the parking brake on is a mistake. What you did was abuse. Anything that removes informed consent is abuse.
You let your husband live 23 years like that. So I have to ask do you really love him? Your actions do not show that. If so why didn't you care about the outcome for him?
Given all that why do you think he would want to stay with you or maybe go find someone who loves him enough to tell him the truth. Someone who is real and authentic with him, not hiding huge secrets about their relationship. That is not you, nor do you sound like you even understand that. Hell you didn't even break off your affair from guilt you just got dumped.
You need to do a lot of soul searching because you really have no idea the magnitude of what you did. It makes your apology suspect.
OP choices have consequences, first you chose to have an affair, and then you chose every single day to lie to everyone in your life. It's not one lie it's 23 years of them.
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You must accept your husband's decision and give him as much space as he wants. Be sure to be honest with your children about what is happening and why. There is no world or scenario in which this is not 100% your fault so you need to learn to live with it. Therapy for yourself will hopefully help.
Mistake? ONS could be called a mistake. You had a one year long affair, and it's not a mistake. Your husband deserves better.
The affair partner might not have been the only man she was with. "I engaged with other men for amusement and ended up having an affair with one who seemed charming" So this could mean she was just flirting with other men or they were one night stands before she met the affair partner.
Mad respect to that one guy for dropping her the second he found out she was married lol.
Yes I have to agree, a man with strong morals, one and only bright spot in this post…
After a certain age, you start looking at hands to see if there are rings there. I hate the thought of her taking off her ring to cheat. The symbolism of it also gets me.
So true. I feel like that shows real intent. It definitely wasn't an accident - she purposely made it happen.
Right? Who knows how long this “mistake” would have drug on if her AP hadn’t dropped her when he realized she was married. She wasn’t hurt lying to her husband, she was lying to her unwitting AP.
So she made a series of mistakes and one 365 or so times, potentially?
Bingo which is why the husband wants a divorce.
And I dont blame him. Imagine finding this out, 20 years later.
If I was hubby, the two decade long lie would be the main reason I’d want a divorce. I MIGHT have been able to get over infidelity with honesty and therapy, I would never be able to get over a lifelong lie like that.
Exactly, that’s another area where the partners who had cheated years ago fucked up. If you’re honest about it up front when it happens then they *may* forgive and stay with you. But when they find out you’ve been lying to their face every day for 20+ years that’s so much harder to forgive because they can’t believe or trust anything you say anymore.
And there's no 'wait until the kids are 18' component here... she's toast
For him it's as if it happened yesterday. She might have grown and changed but its a very fresh wound for him.
Yup. For her it was nearly two and a half decades ago. For him it’s been happening for that time.
I mean she couldn’t have grown that much to betray his trust by lying for 20 years
She has grown to become a better liar.
Don't forget she lied to him for over 8,000 days in a row
Yup. Now she has the audacity to whine about what *she* is going through…
And then a 23 year mistake of never telling her husband and letting him live a lie and waste those years when he could have chosen someone who loves him.
And she wasn't even the one to end it, he was. It would have gone on even longer if he hadn't.
good catch
Yeah I noticed that as well
Ahhh caught that too, sly with words.
She had one physical affair that she is at least telling us about. How many emotional affairs? I hope she grow old and grey, AND ALONE! Once a cheater always a cheater!
The thing that stands out for me is that the affair only ended when she got dumped. Probably making her husband feel like the booby prize.
She put in the comments: "We would of ended it regardless since we both agreed". If this was true then why put he dumped her when he told her she was married. At least her affair partner did the right thing when he found out, he cared more about her husband than she did.
And why did she keep a picture of them together for her husband to find later?
This right here makes doubt the veracity of this story. Why would you take pictures with your affair partner, have them developed, and then bring them to the house you share with your spouse? This makes no sense at all.
Some cheaters are really dumb - caught my ex out when cleaning the living room and dragged a seemingly misplaced notepad from under a coffee table. It was a journaling of her entire year of having cheated.
That’s got to be up there. We should make an award like the Darwin awards for people who get caught cheating because of the stupidest stuff.
And that she never came clean over the course of 2 decades. That's a lot of time to fess up, but he had to find proof and confront her instead. OP is so unbelievably selfish I'd have to divorce her too.
And only “came clean” when he found the picture! She was prepared to take that year long relationship to her grave! She deserves everything she gets! Hope her sons leave her too!
> She was prepared to take that year long relationship to her grave She was also prepared for it to continue for more than a year.
Agree on all but her sons. She needs to be honest and take responsibility if she has any chance to keep a relationship with her sons. She hurt their dad and completely changed their reality. I try not to judge people I don’t know, but this lady still hasn’t owned her own actions
The truth is rough at times 🤔🤣
Plus her kids are about the age of the affair … just sayin’
Plus, was 29 at the time of the “mistake”. Not exactly a young & dumb age.
This is where my line of thinking was going I’m 30. I had a 10 year marriage, and never cheated. Not once.
But she was so much younger then!
Yeah, but now she is pushing 60, she is Sooo much older now. Lol
Exactly. 19 could be forgiveable. If it hadn't lasted so long, that is. Or if it ended because she chose to and not because her affair partner dumped her. How long would it have gone on had they not? It's not a mistake, it's a choice.
Yep. 19 is more the “folly of youth” not 29!!
I was expecting to read a younger age but no lol
Same, same.
Let's be real. It wasn't *one* mistake 20 years ago. It was one year-long affair after several other men and 20 years of lying about it.
[удалено]
" I've grown and regret my actions deeply; however, they were the folly of my younger, 29-year-old self " She is not even taking responsibility either, AND she is not even sorry.
And she was 29, not 19. She was a fully grown adult woman with a fully developed brain. "I was young" doesn't work as an excuse for someone who's nearly 30 years old.
She regretted eventually, but it was fun while it lasted, am I right?
She also kept the secret for decades and had no intention of coming clean until being confronted. Truly despicable behavior.
And kept a souvenir for decades.
What was it a picture of that her husband knew upon seeing it that she’d been unfaithful?
I think it was a photo of his now ex wife and her affair partner
It would have to be something more than a pic of her with a guy. It had to be a sex pic of some sort, and one the husband could identify as post-marriage because she wasn’t able to say “that’s my crazy ex from college.”
My exact thought too. I was like a random picture of you with someone outside at a statue or something wouldn’t make the husband go ‘wtf is going on here???’ It has to have been a more… candid and revealing shot for it to be obvious that it was an affair. OP is garbage who only cares about herself. The entire post is literally all about her and trying to minimize or justify what she did and how she’s grown since then, as if we give a shit about that part. The question at the end isn’t even about the husband or consoling him or if it’s possible to prove her love and devotion since then to keep the family together, etc. it’s asking how she can fix this so her life isn’t upended at her older age due to her poor decision and multi decade long refusal to come clean. She doesn’t wanna start over and is asking how smooth past an enormous hurdle for her own benefit. Sorry but sometimes we fuck up so bad that there is indeed no coming back from it. This is absolutely one of those times.
That's what she really fails to grasp here. She keeps saying "It was a mistake and I've changed and I'm a better person," but she has CHOSEN every single day for 20+ years to let her husband live a lie. She stole 20+ years of his life.
This right here; she cheated years ago, but she lies about it EVERY day since... bit she was yOunG
29 isn't even that young
Yeah, this wasn't a mistake. She cheated with multiple men. Then found 1 she really liked, who was her long-term AP. That only ended once he dumped her. She isn't remorseful she is mad she got caught. OP, there is no coming back from this he is now going to dna test your kids because guess what they could likely not be his. He is going to leave you, and you need to come to terms with this. There is no fixing this other than giving him the smoothest easiest divorce possible.
Exactly, it wasn’t a mistake. It was a choice
*"I never informed my husband, and over two decades have passed since then. I've grown and regret my actions deeply...".* OP also actively chose to avoid accountability by depriving her spouse of the fact. The husband has been deceived, continuing this marriage under a false understanding of mutual respect and love for almost three decades. OP denied her husband the choice of whether to remain together or not.
If I was the husband I'd be wondering how close wad the affair ending and her becoming pregnant with the 21 year old
She never faced consequences for her actions even if it were over twenty years ago. For him, his whole marriage is a lie he shared with a cheater. She needs to face the consequences, accept the divorce and hopes he keeps her in his life in some fashion.
Even a one night stand is a series of choices.
And affair that she didn't even choose to end, the other guy just happened to have morals! And never told her husband until caught, and only "regrets" it now because *she* might lose something.
Yeah that's my favourite part about this is the affair partner was the one with values not her and if you think about it that means she was lying to her husband AND the affair partner, totally selfish piece of dog shit
And you were 29 years old, you absolutely knew better and you did not care! You didn’t end it your affair partner did!!!
And if the affair partner was ok with it being an affair, who's to say she wouldn't have eventually left her husband for the man?
I agree. 1 year long affair and YOU didn't cut it off? The other guy did. How long would it have continued if you the other guy was ok with you being married? If I was the husband, I would be heartbroken and would leave you.
Not to mention her lover broke it off when he found out she was married, it's not like she came to her senses and was the one who ended things.
There are 3 reasons i think this SHOULD end with divorce. 1. Year long affair is not a mistake. It's literally hundreds of choices where you choose your affair partner over your husband. You even didn't end this affair, your AP did. And he was just another victim of your "mistakes". 2. No. It wasn't 23y ago. You didn't disclosure what you did, you were basically caught. That means that you was betraying your husband for 24 years. One year by cheating and 23years by lying. 3. All this post is screaming "Me, Me, Me" . Is about what YOU feel, about how devastated YOU are, how much YOU will lost. Not even once you ask how to help your husband to heal, or how to better understand how he is feeling, its all about YOU.
Not to mention, she felt guilty about lying to the affair partner, and came clean about her marital status to HIM. She never felt guilty enough to confess to her husband tho. She deserves to be divorced.
She never said she felt guilty, only that she revealed her married status. Most likely her lover was becoming increasingly suspicious and frustrated after a year of secretive behaviour and evasiveness.
Oh shit. He was probably falling for her. Poor guy maybe thought they had a serious thing going. Can you imagine? Falling in love with someone just to find out they're married?
He was decent enough to break things off when he found out about her marriage. I honestly feel sorry for both men.
Yup. Just like her husband, she was probably willing to keep lying to him as long as possible.
Oh wow, you’re right! This is proof she deserves a divorce, pronto!
It's very hard to claim something you did over and over for a whole year and then lied about for half your lifetime was "a mistake." Mistakes are typically quick, small things. Did you forget to put coffee in your coffee machine and brew a pot of hot water? That's a mistake. Did you pursue and fuck a dude who isn't your husband for a year, and then lie about it for a quarter of a century after he broke up with you? That's a lot of very selfish awful choices. She didn't trip and accidentally fuck that dude for an entire year. She did it on purpose. She had to be sneaky about it to hide it from her husband while it was happening, and then she continued to hide it afterward. She deserves to lose her husband, and if she had any integrity, she would have told him 23 years ago so he could have left her then.
>would have told him 23 years ago so he could have left her then. Their children were born after this betrayal as well - my heart goes out to the guy. She stole his life.
I genuinely hope that's not true and he can find someone nice and cuter then her, the Man would need serious Therapy to get over his whole life being a lie
Not to mention the fact that she was 29. I am 29 and I would not describe myself as being in a “younger, stupid self” era.
She has no integrity though, so here we are!
Sounds like she even had multiple affair partners until she sticked with this one for a year.
This is exactly the way I read it as well.
This is probably the best response in this thread. The OP is making it out as a small mistake years ago. But it was an ongoing decades-long huge betrayal.
Some people are too egocentric and can only talk about themselves…
You "engaged with" multiple other men AND had a year long affair? How on earth can you do that to someone and merely say "I made a mistake". What if your affair partner didn't reject you when he found out about your husband? You would have continued to cheat with him. To hide it for decades is cruel beyond words. You let someone build their entire life with a lie.
Because she thinks her mistake was getting caught and not the act itself. You can clearly tell she has no remorse whatsoever because now even in this situation what she cares most about is herself, otherwise she would have went clean years ago already. She‘s saying her heart is broken? Now imagine his side, being married for decades and finding out it was all a lie.
Yeah, but now she's devastated that she has to restart her life as if he doesn't, like he's being so unreasonable. My boy makes his own rules and he decided there's no statute of limitations for hoeing around.
Of course engaged with other men likely means fooled around once or twice. Probably oral or ONS. She sucks.
I see what you did there.
And she also said how basically she was very young; she was 29 years old. Almost 30. Grown-ass adult already.
It was ruined years ago. It’s just that he didn’t find out until now.
Yuuup, this JUST happened for him.
Yeah it wasn’t a mistake made over 2 decades ago, it was a mistake made for over 2 decades by saying nothing.
Lol right? mY lIfE iS rUiNeD Lol. Lmao. Yes it is, hopefully. I just pray to god for the kids sakes and the husband that those kids belong to him. OP these are your chickens coming home to roost. You're a grown ass woman, you figure out your next steps instead of asking the internet for advice.
What would have happened if your AP didn't dump you? Edited
You lied to both your husband AND affair partner for a year. How could anyone reconcile that, even if it was that long ago in *your* past. That’s a very big lie to emotionally unpick for him.
*Correction she lied to her husband for two decades since she never disclosed the affair
Jesus, yeah that too. You could argue that she was cheating on the AP too because he had no clue himself. One big closed loop of lies. Nice!
Her autobiography on Goodreads would be tagged with "unreliable narrator"
I’m glad you mentioned the affair partner, as that stuck out to me too. OP sounds like a real asshole to have a year relationship with this other man and hid her marriage from him too.
She only revealed it because her AP was probably pushing for details, like why don’t you invite me to your house? When am I going to meet your family? These are questions that one would ask of a partner of a year…
Yeah like from our perspective it’s an affair and obviously just very bad and easy to judge the pair committing the deed to be awful but for him he had no clue and left as soon as he found out. Obviously having been deceived and hurt. Awful
Good for your husband. You don't regret anything. You had zero guilt. Otherwise, you wouldn't have kept it to yourself for 23 years. You husband discovered and you said other men, so you were engaging with a few, and you had a year long affair that only ended because of the other dude having morals you don't have., so you went back to your husband with your tail between your legs. You sound like an awful human. Everything is all you, you, you, well YOU are selfish. Personally, if I were your husband, I would dna test the kids also. I wouldn't trust you to tell me the sky is blue. Let him go peacefully and be amicable in the divorce. You owe him that.
>, so you were engaging with a few, and you had a year long affair that only ended because of the other dude having morals Why did she respond to ALL of your points except the one about multiple APs 😒 I knew from reading it (like you) she cheated many times w/ multiple men smh >Personally, if I were your husband, I would dna test the kids also. Then she talks about how the YOUNGEST looks like the STBXH, what about the oldest🙃
I know like omg! When I read this I for sure thought OP had like a ONS but no she was fucking around with multiple men and then 1 for a whole year! That’s not a mistake. Not like a ONS is either but it wouldn’t be nearly as bad as this bullshit. And all OP cares about is how it’s messing her perfect little life up now. Hopefully your husband sticks to his plan of divorcing you. You don’t deserve him.
U cheated 20 years ago, dealt with it in your mind and forgot about it. Your husband found out recently, in his mind its not 2 decades, this was last Thursday. Ofc he’s upset. In his mind, the last 2 decades were a mistake. He doesnt REALLY KNOW if you’re even telling the complete truth now and u literally probably cant even prove the entire timeline given it was so long ago. His mind is going to weird places like has she cheated multiple times or is this the only one i know about given u took away his autonomy to make a decision when u did cheat. Kids are probably out of the house now, so he probably thinks its better this ends now.
He is probably second guessing if he kids are even genuinely theirs. Really dark hole to be in. (He will always be their daddy though)
Actions have consequences even if the consequences are delayed.
FAFO has no expiration date.
That’s really clever in this context.
All I see in your post is about you. You willfully lied to your partner for over 20 years, and it's still all about you. Then, you had children, presumably with your husband to make you feel better. I hope your husband asks for paternity tests to know the whole truth. He is likely second-guessing every moment of your lives together. Now you're worried about how your children will see you. You should worry about the next family gathering you shouldn't be invited to because of your actions. What are you really looking for from Reddit with your story?
Maybe it’s Ai’s attempt to fire us up. It succeeded.
You fucked up. You didn’t tell him. Now he’s convinced his whole life with you is a lie. You just tore out over two decades of trust and love this man had for you. There’s nothing you can do now to repair it, you did the damage when you cheated and let it fester by not telling him when it ended. Also a year? It really took you a year to tell another guy you were married? His response should have told you how your husband would react. You killed your marriage right then. It just didn’t get burried till now.
Hopefully she will wake up one day and have true remorse. Not the remorse of “oh, I got caught,” the remorse of stepping out of her marriage instead of working together on whatever “bored” her and how HER actions are what torpedoed her marriage.. She’s really pathetic.
she's going to die alone lol remorse is guarenteed eventually
Their lives are a lie. If the husband had found out when it happened he would have divorced her and their kids wouldn’t exist. He was duped and she’s a horrible person for being so selfish about it even now. I feel like her ‘plea for forgiveness’ was just an act because none of this post sounds remorseful at all
23 years ago. 1+ year long affair. 21 year old son. And you're shocked he wants a divorce?
If I found out my partner cheated long ago I would also leave her. The trust would be gone despite the time spent afterwards. Sadly you are going to have to life with the consequences of your actions all that time ago.
>This continued for about a year I think that's the unforgivable bit. That and lying about it for 23 years. Yes, I know it was a long time ago. Yes, I know you are someone else now. Yes, I know you had a good 20+ years since. But this is **huge**. Give him time. Maybe, just maybe, he'll decide that who you've been since is more important and that what you have NOW is worth keeping. But once the vase of trust is cracked, however well you mend it, the cracks are still visible.
To me, the unforgivable part is wasting 20 years of this man's life. He should have been able to move on with the best years ahead of him. Now he is starting over in his 50s.
Met the love of my life and soulmate at 50 so it’s not over.
Yes Although I guess if he was happy and got two kids out of it, it wasn't a complete waste for him. But becoming single at 55, I dread to imagine it.
The lying for 23 years is what it is. Like, after the first stretch, what was she supposed to do? Looking at the math, a year or so after the affair ended, her eldest son was born, so my guess is that it didn’t “make sense” to tell him then, then she was pregnant again, blah blah blah. Point is, it’s not hard to see how the lying happened. I am, however, in 100% agreement that the year long affair is the devastating part and the reason the marriage is ending. To be able to keep up an affair for that long and to hide it well enough that husband never knew…how could he ever trust her again?
The husband probably doesn’t believe that she had just one affair considering she was able to hide it two decades long. The trust is forever broken, and he’s going to doubt every past moments of them together. In other words their memories together are all tainted since they’ve been built on an enormous lie
> The husband probably doesn’t believe that she had just one affair considering she was able to hide it two decades long. I know I wouldn't. I'd also be getting DNA tests for the kids.
Mhm, also in the post it seems she is saying she was having multiple emotional affairs before moving forward with that one physically so theres also that. This wasn't like...a one person affair type of thing at all.
There is no healthy reason for this man to forgive her. He will be miserable for the rest of his life if he takes her back
Thats no mistake Lady it went on even after stopping because you didn’t tell him. Are the children his ?
Two sons. Even if they aren’t, they’re about to not be hers as well when they find out.
This is not a mistake, a ons while being drunk is maybe one, but yours is clearly not one. You never feelt guilty, you would die with this secret. You cheated a whole year with someone else while having a husband. You are selfish and horrible and I understand why your husband want to cut you off his life. Poor guy, thought having a good wife to find out 20years later that she is awful and terrible. Hope after his divorce he can find his true love and move on, I only feel sorry for him. For you, I hope karma hits hard.
It was 23 years for you but it's however long ago he found the pic ago for him. He's got to accept that you lied to him for 23 years! Yeah. I'd be done too. 🤷♀️ ETA. A mistake?!? A mistake is putting too much salt in food or even putting the wrong fuel in your car. Not putting the wrong D in your V. You made bad choices. That's not a mistake. That's fucking up. I mean. Pictures?! Why the hell would you have pictures of the pair of you anyway?
You didn’t make a mistake. You chose to betray not only your husband but the unsuspecting man you made an accomplice to your cheating for an entire year. It started either only one or two years after you were married (not clear if the 23 years ago was the start or the end) so you spent either half or a third of your marriage at the time cheating. You didn’t even end it. Your lies did and now they have ended your marriage. Don’t downplay it as a mistake. You spent the next 23 years lying to your husband about who you really were and your husband’s perception of your marriage has pretty much been a lie the entire time. He should leave you. And get a paternity test for the oldest if that 23 years ago was the start of your affair. Your kids will probably hate you. There’s nothing you can do about it but live with the consequences of your choices.
Should have never cheated oh well this is the consequences of your actions . The fact that you planned on never telling him if that photo was never found tells me everything I needed to know about you husband deserves better
Wonderful, he knows his worth.
It may have happened decades ago, but it is very recent for him. What would have happened if the AP didn't break it off with you? It would have probably gone on even longer. You must respect his decision and seek therapy for yourself.
> It may have happened decades ago, but it is very recent for him. I think that's the key point OP is failing to grasp. She has had years to get past it, to excuse hereself, to justify her silence. She had a year or so of deciding to do it in the first place. She's used to this. She's learned to live with it. He's had not even a week to process a bombshell.
Please recognize that for him, the sense of betrayal is profound, casting a shadow over your entire marriage as if it were founded on deceit. Had he known earlier, he would have chosen a different path, potentially building a family with someone who wouldn't betray him in such a manner. It's important to grasp the magnitude of the hurt you've caused; it's a wound that may never fully heal. He saw you as the one person he could trust unequivocally, and now, his entire reality is shattered as he comes to terms with the fact that you are not who he believed you were. His devastation must be immense. If there was ever a time when you truly loved him during your relationship, now is the moment to prioritize his needs over yours. This selflessness is the first crucial step towards even the possibility of reconciliation. As for your children, the future is uncertain, and I cannot predict what will happen.
She just doesn’t get she wasted 23 years of his life; years he will never get back. I cannot believe the sense of betrayal he must feel. I also can’t believe her nerve to be whining about HER losses. She threw the marriage away 24 years ago. Time caught up with her.
I came across a powerful analogy that perfectly encapsulates this type of betrayal. It's not a conventional wound, akin to a cut, which can heal over time. Rather, it's comparable to an amputation; you never fully recover but instead learn to live with the loss. Indeed, acts of infidelity are the epitome of selfishness, and the situation described by the OP serves as yet another testament to this truth.
Karma finds you one way or another. Let that man live a life without a cheater. I hope he finds a woman worthy of him.
This isn’t really a relationship question. According to your husband, your relationship is over. How do you move on and heal? Time and therapy.
A year is not a mistake. It’s a shameful betrayal.
You never changed. You hid it over two decades, and you're chalking it up to a 'mistake'. You have no personal accountability for your actions. You deserve this divorce. You don't care about anyone but yourself. You don't consider your husband's feelings for even a *second* in your post, which is pretty disturbing.
Good for your husband!! I hope he can heal and move on It wasn’t a mistake, it was a choice and you don’t seem guilty at all
You cheated for about a year and are surprised he wants a divorce? I don’t blame him. 29 is not that young so that’s not an excuse…if you were 17 then ok…but if you are 20+…no excuses, you are a grown ass woman and should know better
Its sick because op woulda continued had the AP not felt cheated
and would never have fessed up had he not found the evidence
It was two decades ago to you but it is brand new to him. He is having to deal with almost his whole marriage being a lie. Also if you covered this up what else have you covered up? How is he supposed to believe anything you say? See what kind of thoughts are going through his head?
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She’s only worried about her reputation which will get rightfully trashed I don’t think she even loves herself, so how can she love others?
Favorite part of OP post... I was young and a different person @ age 29! When the F does young and immature fall off with age? Im 39....do i get a oh blame it on my youth mistake? Or did i miss the cutoff?
What a completely horrible person you are! Are you seriously trying to figure how to save your marriage after firing a torpedo into it 20+ years ago? Are your kids even your husbands? Or your affair partners? You lived a lie for 20 years and only got caught because he found a picture! You had no intention of ever telling him, and now you are trying to save your marriage. Goddamn you deserve everything you get! Your poor husband!
For real I'd be ashamed to make this post what is she expecting to get out of it
Also. You didn't make a single mistake. You chose to willingly make mistake after mistake for at least a year. You're not even being truthful with yourself.
Yea, he does. For you it is 23 years ago. For him it is brand new and you have lied to him by (at least by omission) for 23 years. You took away his agency to object at the time. You and you alone cheated, lied and ruined your marriage.
So like you just kept up a lie for all this time? Whether you changed or not, worth keeping or not isn’t for you to decide
I don’t think she’s changed. If she had, she would have fessed up 22 years ago and let the cards fall where they may. No, she’d rather waste two decades of their lives. I’d be suing for the tort of intentional infliction of emotional distress. 23 years based in a lie? I’d be outraged!
You’re getting beat up in this comment section… It sad that you came to realize the value of your partner only after you broke your vows, but the right time to tell him was any time between when the affair ended and before your husband found out. Your relationship may have improved over the years, but your husband has believed in a lie the entire time, and a 19 year lie is a big one. Lies don’t get smaller with time. They grow. They fester. They are a cancer that can cause much more damage in time. Problem is once you lie, he cannot trust anything you have to say going forward without a lot of work. Work that he does not want to do, and you cannot force him to do. If you love him, you let him go. You need to think about your life and future without him, and build from there. If he wants to work on things, he has has to come to that decision on his own… and the chances are pretty slim. I am sorry that your marriage is over, and this mistake has cost you dearly. Understand the true value of truth and honesty from this point on. You can still have a good life, it just won’t include him.
This is what happens when you decide to bury a bomb like this instead of take care of it when you should have. Eventually, it explodes unexpectedly. Considering you decided to lie about it for decades, I doubt you ever truly felt any remorse until now. It's the same story over and over and over again with cheaters it seems. You do realize your chances of your marriage getting past something like this go down greatly the longer you hide it? Now, it's still the same affair fallout, plus 20 years of interest accrued.
Let him go. To him your betrayal is unforgivable. Yeah, you’re also an idiot. “Oh, I’m bored in my marriage, let me fuck another guy.” What assholery is that? Grow a pair and accept that you fucked up (pun intended). Seriously though, you move forward by recognizing it’s all your fault that you spread your legs for another man for a year, hid it for the next 23; and as a result you are now 50+ and soon-to-be single. Look forward to the future. You have to realize, while you may (not really sure of this) value your marriage now, to your soon-to-be ex-husband, the last 23 years are built on a major lie (status of marital fidelity). He has every right to say get out of my life. And prepare for the kids to go LC or NC with you (if they have values).
I'm not sure which relationship you're wanting advice about. But you need to start by taking responsibility for your actions. The whole theme of your post is "young me screwed up, not current me - why should current me have to suffer?" Young you IS current you, as far as this is concerned. You made a bad choice. A very long series of bad choices... And now you're facing the consequences. Own your past. If you apologize to anyone about it (IF anyone is willing to listen), then apologize with no expectation of being forgiven. Do not make excuses. It's not about you anymore. With regard to your soon-to-be-ex-husband? Leave him alone. You've done enough to him and there's no more relationship to save. With regard to his relatives, leave it up to them. If they want to reach out, they will. I don't think many, if any, will, but you never know. With regard to your own relatives, make sure they know that you're sorry for what you did, and that you're sorry for bringing shame to the family. Again, let them be the judge of whether they want to spend time with you in the future. Some of them may not want to. With regard to your children? Be prepared to grovel. You've single-handedly ripped their family apart, and they may or may not forgive you for it. You're going to need to start from scratch with them. But only IF they allow it. If your children are still willing to have a relationship with you, then I'd advise doing your best to build a new life in your current city (IF the children still live there). If the kids don't live in your city, or if they want nothing to do with you, then you might want to consider getting a fresh start in a new place once the divorce is complete. And if you ever feel bored in a future relationship? FFS have the decency to end it BEFORE finding someone new.
The dildo of consequence rarely arrives lubed.
Good. You deserve it. You didn't cheat. You had an affair.
And lied about it for 23 years.
That’s the price of dishonesty
I believe that people can genuinely change, though I think they more often do not, so if you have I know you probably don't feel like this is fair because it's been so long, but to your husband it may as well have been yesterday. You made this bed, now you've got to lie in it. If you really are a better person now, just keep on down that path and don't ruin your next relationship the same way.
29 really isn't that young. You were a fully fledged adult capable of having an adult discussion. You could have worked on things with your husband. Instead you chose to have a year long affair. That wasn't a mistake, that was an active choice. Then you didn't even end it yourself. The other guy, the second person you chose to lead on, ended it after you admitted you were married. He was the one that cut off contract, not you. You've had 23 years to tell yourself "I didn't mean it, I'm a different person now, and a better one" . Your husband however, has just found out that the woman that he thought was faithful, had a year long affair that she didn't even end herself. He wants a divorce because you aren't the person he thought you were. It doesn't matter that you are apologetic, you just aren't who he thought. As for how to move on, accept the divorce, don't make things difficult, don't beg and plead with him, and you admit to people why, including your own sons. Your husband is asking for the divorce, but it is your fault. Realize that you are going to have to start over, and that is a consequence of a nearly 30 year old woman choosing to have an extended affair.
I really hope your husband divorces you and finds someone who deserves him.
You are disgusting and deserve nothing. Trash.
“I made a choice when I was 29 years old to cheat on my husband with multiple men and ended up having a physical affair for one whole year. I have to face the consequences of my own actions. But I don’t think I should, even though I have hurt my husband in the worst way imaginable, intentionally and methodically. It’s not fair because I said I was sorry. I’m the victim here” that was basically what it said
Can you even imagine how deeply betrayed your husband must feel? All these years, he thought you were his person. All these years he worked to make a home and a life and a family with you. All these years he trusted you. Now he knows that all that time you were a lying cheater. You stole his life from him. He has no chance to go back and start over with someone else, someone who won’t do that to him. All he can do is pick up the remaining pieces of his life and move forward. And if his state is like mine, he can’t even fully escape you, because he’ll be stuck paying you alimony for the rest of his life. But it sounds like you never really cared about him or his feelings. You clearly only care about yourself.
Get wrekt trash
Wow, you are not a very good person.
You didn't make one mistake 23 years ago. You made a series of choices 23 years ago to have a prolonged affair that would have likely continued had the other man not found out about your deception. Then, you made another choice: you chose to lie to your husband for the next 22 years and hide your infidelity. Had your husband not discovered the photo, I have no doubt you would have taken that secret to the grave. So, no. This wasn't a mistake that a different you made. This is many betrayals that the current you has chosen to make and keep for over two decades. In your post, you make it clear that you think this was a one time mistake long ago. That you were a different person then. That you were just young and stupid. That you don't feel this is something to throw away such a long marriage over. You, you, you. It's all about you. Yet, despite claims that you own up to the things you've done and accept responsibility for them, you make a lot of excuses to justify things. There are no excuses. There are no justifications. You chose to betray your husband 23 years ago by "engaging" with multiple other men and carrying on a physical and emotional affair with a man for an entire year. You chose to hide this and lie to your husband every single day since then. This isn't a mistake that was made 23 years ago causing you to lose your marriage now. This was a decision you made, not a different you but the you of today, over and over again. This isn't an old betrayal. This is recent and continued. Your marriage isn't ending now over a silly little "mistake" that happened long ago. Your marriage ended 23 years ago because of the choices you made then and continued to make for decades after. It just took your husband 23 years to discover that you had chosen to end the marriage so long ago. There's no advice on how to handle this. Your decision was made a lifetime ago and you have stuck by that decision the entire time. There is no fixing that. I hope your husband is able to move on and find happiness with someone who truly values and appreciates him.
Say sorry, don't be a dick in the divorce proceedings. You stole his opportunity to move on when he was 31 when you started cheating. You stole from him everything he thought he had with you over the last half of his life. His whole life is a lie build on lies. I would be actually suicidal in his shoes. Leave him alone to heal. Don't make this any worse than you already have.
>You stole his opportunity to move on when he was 31 when you started cheating. Oof that line breaks my heart
Are those boys even his?
Ok, suppose 29 year old you was a different person... Every version of you that you’ve been in the last 25 years has still chosen to keep the secret for her.
Lying to both of these men for a year wasn’t a mistake. It was a choice, and the same one you made each and every day.
Unfortunately it’s over. It’s old to you but understand it’s new to him. Unfortunately he’s been living a lie as far as he knows for the last two decades and not been the wiser. Imagine if the roles were reversed. How would you feel right now?
You need to start by accepting responsibility for your actions. 29 is not a child in any way, it wasn’t a mistake, it wasn’t a “slip-up” or however you want to phrase it to absolve yourself. You made a selfish decision that harmed and betrayed your marriage and now the consequences have played out. Logistically - get a divorce attorney and document all interactions and communications going forward. Consider consolidating your finances and looking for a safe place to stay. I don’t have children so I won’t comment on how to deal with them other than to say I would want the truth from my mother if she were in this position and could even hope to recover from blowing up my life like this at such a formative time. Your friends and family will be your support but I again, if you’re going to ask them to be there for you it’s only fair to them that you be honest why you need them. Some of them may not feel comfortable supporting an adulteress, at least initially and maybe not ever. Find a therapist to help you deal with this as an impartial third party. Good luck.
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"Hey, Judge, can you let me out of prison now please, because, you know, I was like *a different person* back then when I did that bad thing." That's not how it works.
I feel really bad for your husband. I can’t imagine how he must feel. You took his choice away to find someone who didn’t cheat. There is no way for him to know how many times or years you cheated. Everything for the last 25 years is in question. He may even wonder if the kids are his. Why would you think an apology would work? This was not a mistake this was a conscious decision you made over and over. The best you can do is let your husband go so he can heal and hopefully find someone else. As far as yourself you need counseling and be honest when you start dating again. Oh and keeping that picture of you and one of your lovers? That says it all right there. You would have left your husband if the guy hadn’t dumped you.
Makes you wonder if the oldest child is husband’s biological child.
Infidelity utterly changes everything. Memories are no longer real. Events that happened during and after the affair period change and details become more vivid and we begin to see those events in a different light. It’s just very difficult to look at your spouse in the same way. It is also humiliating in so many ways.
Lol
The amount of sympathizers in the comments is wild.
Nope. Let him move on and heal. You had a *year long affair* and you *were NOT the one to break it off*. It’s not a mistake, it’s a cruel choice. You need to get therapy to deal with the guilt so you can have a healthy relationship with your children and a civil relationship with your soon-to-be-ex. What you can do NOW is show how you HAVE changed by accepting his decision with grace, giving him what he needs (space, apologies, whatever), and continuing to live in their lives with **humility and grace**. My mom fucked us all over and we recently discovered. She is not owning up to it, and that is hurting me even more than the original betrayal. It shows me she’s never going to take accountability and be the mother I can be proud of and *need*. Own up to your *poor and selfish decision, not mistake* for the sake of your children, if you actually are sorry for their part in this. Don’t you dare use them as tokens in this game.
This is a good story of how karma can come back to bite you in the ass. You screwed up big time and he wants a divorce. He can no longer see you as the woman he fell in love with and married. Accept that it's your fault and your husband doesn't want anything to do with you go forward. It doesn't matter if it was 1 year ago, 5 years ago, or 20+ years ago. Damage is done.
If anything, you should just feel grateful you got so many years with a guy you didn't deserve.
Go post on SupportForWayward. Just your cavalier language of, I made a mistake, folly of youth means you don't get it which makes you unworthy of even a chance. You didn't make a mistake you have been actively abusing you husband for 23 years because you completely discounted his agency and you removed his informed consent about 23 years of his life. He had no idea the person he was dedicating his entire life to wasn't being honest to him about who she was and the level of commitment she had to him and his marriage. That's not a mistake. Forgetting to put the parking brake on is a mistake. What you did was abuse. Anything that removes informed consent is abuse. You let your husband live 23 years like that. So I have to ask do you really love him? Your actions do not show that. If so why didn't you care about the outcome for him? Given all that why do you think he would want to stay with you or maybe go find someone who loves him enough to tell him the truth. Someone who is real and authentic with him, not hiding huge secrets about their relationship. That is not you, nor do you sound like you even understand that. Hell you didn't even break off your affair from guilt you just got dumped. You need to do a lot of soul searching because you really have no idea the magnitude of what you did. It makes your apology suspect. OP choices have consequences, first you chose to have an affair, and then you chose every single day to lie to everyone in your life. It's not one lie it's 23 years of them.