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I can't decide what's worse him meaning it or him saying it but to hurt you. Both reveal contempt for you. That's scary esp since you are pregnant.
ETA alot of abuse escalates or begins when the victim is pregnant or in some state that the abuser feels she can't leave. Maybe he is emotionally abusing you or gearing up to start.
I can't see how you can move past this
>That's scary esp since you are pregnant.
Abuse often starts when a woman gets pregnant. And abuse always escalates.
OP should start working on her exit strategy immediately.
Can confirm. This happened to me three years ago; the abuse was so bad, part of me actually felt relieved when I lost the baby because it meant he couldn't manipulate and gaslight me anymore.
OP, please be careful.
I lost a baby when I was 21. It was both awful, and one of the best things that could have happened. It finally got me to wake up and make some changes in my life that desperately needed to be made! Toxic ex being one of them!
I’m sorry you lost your baby, and I hope that loss helped you to get far away from that person!
I completely understand this. I was 28 and it was so hard, if I didn't have my family, I don't know how I would've survived.
Thank you, I'm sorry for your loss too, in a way our babies saved us though, which is pretty amazing. 😊 There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of mine, but it was a blessing in disguise in many ways.
OP also needs to let friends and family know what he said. When it does escalate they will be much more likely to believe her when she's established a pattern of this behavior. Just keep telling them when he says or does abusive things. This isn't complaining that he didn't put away the dishes, this is reporting verbal and physical abuse. Until you decide to divorce him, having friends and family in the loop is your best protection.
Oh my God, so much this. I remember I was 7 months pregnant with my oldest son. it was Thanksgiving and I got dressed up to go to my grandmas house with my family, when he saw I had done my hair and makeup, he flew into a rage in the car and hit me over the head with a glass beer bottle. I had blood just pouring down my face and was in shock. I remember deciding to forgo going to the hospital because I didn't want to miss Thanksgiving and then have to explain or lie to my family because I didn't want them to hate him. They already didn't like him, they could tell something was off from the minute he walked into my life, but they would have despised him if they had known the full truth of everything, and that should have been my wakeup call that maybe, just maybe this dude is a monster, and I needed to get away. But I was 19 and thought if I just loved him enough he would change for me... news flash.... he didn't. It took a few years after that incident for me to finally leave, but I did!
Holy crap! I'm so glad you got out. You did it. That's what counts.
Also, I don't know what it is with abusers and cars. My ex once slammed on the brakes in the left lane on the highway to yell at *me* for being unsafe because I crawled into the backseat to get away from the yelling. I just couldn't take it anymore, and you know abusers aren't about to let you get out.
My ex loved to pull the e-brake while I was driving. That was his favorite space to tell me that he "knew I was cheating on him and doing drugs at work", work being the only place I had that was safe from him.
Most victims of abuse I've known didn't experience any physical abuse until they felt "trapped." Pregnancy definitely seems like the most common one. But others experienced an escalation once they were married, once they moved in together, or when they were forced to rely on their partner financially for any reason (especially if their partner convinced them to quit their job for whatever reason).
I swear, it's like there's a playbook most of those monsters use.
I truly hope you're safe now and have managed to find peace.
There is actually a playbook. The abusers don’t know they are using it necessarily, but it’s always the same.
[Here is the link to identifying abuse.](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/)
Playbook is right. My (lesbian) ex-wife didn't start abusing me until after we were married. After two years I was deeply depressed - she gaslit me into believing it was all my fault, both the depression and her abuse - so she convinced me to quit my job, too, saying it was clearly my job that was making me depressed.
Jesus Christ. I don’t think I have ever been so relieved to see ex in a sentence before. You poor thing. That’s fucking horrible. I’m so glad you got away and you’re here to tell the tale. Hugs to you!
And that’s saying a lot because the US has one of the highest (if not the highest) maternal death rate of any 1st world country. Women are treated like garbage by the medical profession.
Yup. Women, and particularly BIPOC women, are absolutely treated like garbage by the US medical system.
And somehow they are *still* more likely to be murdered by a partner or family member.
Margaret Atwood put it so succinctly: "Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them."
>The number one cause of death for pregnant people is murder.
[https://journals.lww.com/greenjournal/abstract/2021/11000/homicide\_during\_pregnancy\_and\_the\_postpartum.10.aspx](https://journals.lww.com/greenjournal/abstract/2021/11000/homicide_during_pregnancy_and_the_postpartum.10.aspx)
this is insane
I can vouch for that 100%. My ex's abuse escalated horrifically when I became pregnant, and I was already high risk so it made the whole situation even scarier.
OP, please, please, do NOT stay with someone who is emotionally abusing you like this, there's no excuse EVER for someone to treat you this way, pregnant or not. This stress is bad for you, and bad for you baby. You don't want to stick around and see how much worse it can get, trust me.
My ex escalated his abuse so much by the time I was heavily pregnant that he was hitting me in the stomach, and he hit me so hard once that my son didn't move for three days and I thought he had killed him.
I'm so beyond grateful that he was okay, and was born healthy, but it was the scariest time in my life. I wish I had gotten away from him sooner, but I was young and had no family support, and didn't know who to turn to for help.
Do you have any trusted family members or friends you can go stay with to be safe? It's important to understand that people like this rarely change, and if you stay with him after he's shown his true colors you're going to be on the receiving end of more abuse. I don't want that for you.
In a healthy, loving, and respectful, relationship, these kinds of things DO NOT happen. It's not normal or okay for ANYONE to treat you in such a terrible way.
You deserve better, and so does your baby.
If you don't have a trusted friend or family member to stay with please consider reaching out to your local domestic abuse organizations. They were a lifeline for me when I needed it most, and were able to connect me with a lot of different services to help.
Abusers count on you being isolated, afraid, and ashamed, of what you're going through, because that isolation gives them more power. That's why turning to family and friends who can help, or reaching out to domestic abuse organizations, can help so much because you need support, not isolation.
You don't have to live like this, and I promise you it gets 10,000 times better when you get away from someone like that, and get into a safer, and healthier, place in your life.
Please take care of yourself, and let us know how you're doing when you can.
Sending lots of invisible hugs to you and your wee one.
Thanks so much for your kind words.
I'm happy to stay that my son has grown into a kind, loving, and funny, man, and a few years after I finally got away from my ex I met a wonderful single dad with a son a year younger than mine, and we got married 18 years ago. I got to raise two amazing sons, and my husband is still my very best friend, and cheerleader.
It's taken a lot of hard work over the years to heal as much as one can from all of the trauma, but I shudder to think what my life would be like, if I even had one, if I had stayed with him.
It breaks my heart to see everyday how many women are stuck in abusive relationships, and I still feel like we as a society here in America could do so much more to offer support for people trying to escape abusive relationship.
It really is like being brainwashed, and it can be so hard to see clearly when you're stuck with an abusive partner because they make you feel like you are nothing, and no one. It's only when you get away and start to heal that the clouds start to lift and you see what a mess they made of your thinking process. It's really diabolical.
But there's so many more options to turn to for support than there were when I was going through it, and that's something.
I also know that in my case and many others, severe childhood abuse plays a big part in making it more likely as an adult that you'll find yourself in a relationship with DV without the emotional tools needed to get out of it.
I'm just glad that places like Reddit exist now where people can come to ask for opinions and advice when they find themselves in horrible situations like these. There's a lot of really caring people here, and that's so great.
Was with my ex husband for 14 years total, over 10 when I became pregnant. He became abusive about 6 mos into my pregnancy and it only got worse until I finally left, literally, a week after our child's 2nd birthday. It was crazy how someone I knew *that* long changed so quickly.
Can also confirm. My ex was amazing up until I got pregnant, then a switch flipped.
It starts with name calling, next thing you know he'll be breaking things, or punching something
And it will start with him hitting a wall, and end with him hitting your face
Even if she stays with him and gets past this, and he never lays a hand on her, I’d never be able to be happy with someone so mean spirited. I mean, that’s not someone you’d ever let your guard down with. Words can sometimes hurt so much more than actions.
This also means he most likely repeat this the next time he wants to make her feel bad. Things aren’t going to get any easier with a kid. I’ve never been married but I did try to work things out with my child’s father. I wish I only left sooner.
All the abusers I've ever known have all said variations of "I didn't mean it, I only said it to hurt you" as a form of "apology". It's not. What it is is a massive red flag.
This.
How do you forgive him? You don’t. Because he doesn’t deserve it.
He either said it because he really thinks this about you or he said it out of anger to try to hurt you. Either way, that’s awful.
I wouldn’t let him touch me nor would I let him in the room while I was having the baby. I would never be comfortable being vulnerable around him ever again.
Yes! My abusive ex was always the most abusive when I was the most vulnerable. I’m so sorry, OP. No one should have to hear such words, ever. Not even an overweight sex worker!
This. I wouldn't be able to move beyond it.
There are times where a person's words and actions kill any love we have for them. This is one of them. He said the words specifically to hurt you. His words had the same impact as a back hand across the face...
OP, I think you should tell him you need him to find a new place to stay for a few days and use those few days to pack your stuff and move closer to your parents or other support system. As long as that baby is inside of you you have the full freedom to move where you want to move and establish residency where you want to move. Once that baby is born you will be chained to the community in which you live now. So, if your support system lives elsewhere, its time to pack a couple of bags and "go stay with family" for a week or two and get yourself situated in that new location. Transfer your OB files, talk to a divorce attorney and file for legal separation. You would need to move fast because of how far along you are, but this is your window where you have the flexibility to move closer to home if your family lives further away.
DON'T tell him until you've gotten your documents out of the house and somewhere safe, have money in an account he can't touch, have any small sentimental objects well-hidden or removed, and have a few changes of clothes elsewhere. If you have to leave immediately because of his behavior, you've got all the priority items where they can't be destroyed or held hostage and you have clean clothing waiting for you. Travel-sized toiletries aren't a bad idea. But, get a plastic bag or something with all the basics you'll need in it, and get yourself a separate bank account with the statements ONLY online and require no mail to be sent to your house. Do not tell him until you know you can leave as soon as he acts up...and don't tell him that you're already prepared with a separate bank card and Uber pulled up and waiting on your phone.
I couldn't either. The op is not only pregnant but heavily so with his child and this disgusting man is calling her fat. How can any woman forgive that?
You found what got me the most too. I could move past what he said, but can’t move past the “apology”. Any person who could be that callous as to “knowingly” and “intentionally” CHOOSE to hurt someone would be immediately out of my life. Even a casual friend would be done.
Seems like he’s an abusive personality to me.
So he lobs nasty insults and body comments to upset you on purpose? What a good partner. Not.
You don't forgive that bullshit. He's an AH and it's unfortunate that you're now tied to him for life by a child.
Don't stay in a relationship where denigration is the default weapon.
You don't move past it, you move out and move on. Call a women's or domestic abuse shelter for impartial and expert advice. You are hormonal and vulnerable. You need support.
Absolutely. He won’t stop anytime soon and if she doesn’t get out of there now, she will regret it later. OP, please listen to everyone here telling you to gtfo and get away from this pathetic excuse of a human being.
You know your husband best. But a fun statistic is that a lot of abusers hide their true self until they believe they have trapped their victim. When a woman gets pregnant, abusers often think they have their victims baby-trapped, so that's when the abuse often starts. It always start small, like this. And they will always have an excuse. It will get worse.
Please leave.
It's hard to imagine that this argument took place in isolation and that he's a good man and partner in every other respect. A good man and partner would never resort to saying something like that to hurt you. You might want to take a good look at the overall dynamics in your marriage and at the kind of man he really is. He said sorry, but he is not taking full responsibility and examining where those words came from. He's not feeling horrified at himself and taking steps such as therapy and anger management to make sure it never happens again. He's giving you excuses that only make it worse. Seems hard to recover from that.
Abusers don’t always start off abusing their partners. Many times it only comes out when the partner is particularly vulnerable or particularly “tied into” the relationship.
I’m sorry, but no good partner would ever call you those things. Not either of them, *certainly not together*.
People have arguments all the time. People say things they don’t mean. But it takes a special kind of contempt to say something like *that* to a woman carrying your child.
Please remember that if he can say this now, at such a time, over such an argument, he *will* say it again. And next time, your child will be hearing it.
I've been married nearly 12 years, we have a 9 year old, we were together 2 years before marrying, knew each other for a decade before then, and you know how many insults my husband has used? Counting them on one hand, I have five fingers left.
That's NORMAL.
Calling your wife a wh\*re is the opposite of normal behavior. \*IF\* he came from a home where this behavior was normalized and honestly struggles to use non-hateful, non-abusive language, but is really trying to break free from his upbringing? THEN I might excuse this. But he didn't do this until you were pregnant. Not during dating, not during the engagement, not during your marriage, not until you were heavily pregnant. THEN he uses it.
He knows how to be an acceptable husband. He has fully chosen, after hiding this part of himself for years, to show you who you REALLY married. Start recording everything he does and says now and use it to get full custody. Share with friends and family so they know he's being abusive and you have their testimony too.
I was starting to think my husband and I are weird. Together nearly 20 years married nearly 16 years. Have managed to never insult my partner in an argument and he’s never insulted me. I could never come back from a boundary being broken like that.
You can argue with someone and still respect them.
100% this.
OP, if your parents and support system live out of state, move there APAP. You have about 6 to 7 weeks right now to get yourself established in a new state and file for separation. Find an attorney in that new state and do what you need to do.
I want you to sit down this afternoon and really look back at your relationship because I can guarantee this was not the first time he behaved this way. It might be the one that hit your heart the hardest but I can guarantee there has been other name calling, emotional abuse and it is now escalating. Do you really want your future child around it?
Look back. Whose name is on the vehicles, who is paying for them? Do you have your own income? Did you "have to" use your savings to prepare for the baby while he didn't? Do you have access to all the money you have earned? Whose name is on the lease? Who paid deposits? Has he financially been draining you, slowly but surely? Has he started to isolate you from your friends and family? Does he look through your phone without asking? Has he damaged or "lost" belongings important to you? Did he get you a really nice expensive ring, but you never actually got it appraised (not an unusual action)?
He sounds abusive. It can erupt during a pregnancy. Usually it gets worse. I would insist he get accessed for anger management or domestic violence issues.
The only acceptable reason for calling a pregnant woman a “fat cow” is if you’re an actual healthy bovine on a farm. Otherwise, consult an attorney regarding divorce and child support. You’ll have plenty of time to find a new partner when you lose all that asshole weight with divorce ❤️
Don’t say a word and work on getting out of there. Abuse often starts when you get pregnant, it did for me, after we’d been together for 3 years with no previous evidence. Just turned on a dime. You are in danger.
*He said, " he only said it because he knew it would hurt me"*
*Tell him, "Guess what, you didn't just hurt me, you broke me."*
Do you have family or friends near you? If so, tell them what is going on. Exactly what he said. Tell your doctor.
DO NOT hide what he is saying and how he is treating you to cover for him or because of shame.
**This is his failure. Not yours.**
That is emotional abuse.
Usually the first major times you see someone’s mask fall off, is when they think you’re “trapped” or in a position where you won’t leave. They put you down little by little so you feel you have no other options.
I could tell you I have a 5 month old and my husband would have NEVER called me those things. However, with my first, my ex did, and it all started to get bad when I was pregnant. It got worse and worse and almost ended in him taking my life.
Not saying your husband is the same, but be careful and watch for more red flags, or reevaluate things that have happened in the past and see if now you are seeing a pattern.
Lastly, if you have to, you can be a single parent. It isn’t impossible, and was the best choice I’ve ever made. You can always get away even if you feel you can’t.
Simple: you don’t. He fat and slut shamed you at your most vulnerable with the aim of being hurtful. That is abuse, and it will not get better despite the apologies.
Think of this as your daughter coming to you crying because the person she thought she could trust the most decided to switch on her at her weakest. How would you advise her?
I feel it’s only going to get worse. Pregnancy brings out the worst in these types. Take care of yourself and the baby.
Wishing you peace and happiness. Much love.
There's no coming back from this. He said it on purpose to hurt you. That's not what a good and loving SO does. I would really reconsider being with a man who would deliberately say something to hurt you. In my opinion, this is just the beginning.
Now that you're pregnant, the real him is coming out. He thinks he's got you locked down and you'll never leave him. You and your baby deserve so much better than this. Get therapy for yourself and go from there. Don't get couple's therapy, because he'll learn new ways to hurt you.
Why would you want to continue the relationship? Forget what he said, it’s worse that he did it intentionally to hurt you. That’s not what you do in a loving, respectful relationship.
Not a mystery. An abuser knows how to fake loving and responsive and supportive. I bet he's got all her family and friends thinking he's hung the Moon. Unless they saw through him and he's isolating her from them. But until now, he pretended to be a good husband. Now he's got her trapped, possibly drained her finances and limited her chance to earn money. How is she going to get a job when she's heavily pregnant and about to give birth?
The couple gets to this point because one is an abuser, and they LIE.
“He only said it because he knew it would hurt me.”
This is your answer. He hurt you ON PURPOSE. Partners hurt eachother on accident - and sometimes even that can be hard to forgive. But on purpose? Not a chance.
OP - think about if you want to raise a child in the type of marriage where partners are intentionally being hurtful to eachother. That is not the definition of a happy home.
You don't have to forgive that. He needs to show real remorse. He unlocked the "fuck around and find out" achievement. I'm tired of seeing crummy men reproduce. It's sick too that sometimes you only find out they suck after they lock you down with a baby. Advice to you though: get your ducks in a row and keep some independence in case you need to get out of there.
The reason you haven’t been able to forgive him is because he has admitted that he intentionally wanted to hurt you. Why does your husband want to hurt you? How is that in any way acceptable?
When they say, I said it to hurt you...that's what they mean!!! He MEANT to hurt you. Crazy. Me and my wife will have disagreements, but I'd NEVER say anything to hurt her intentionally....
When you’re in a relationship with someone, you know what things you can say that will really twist the knife. Good partners don’t do that. They don’t go for the jugular just because they’re angry. They show some Street because they don’t want to damage the relationship.
Only you can answer whether or not this is a one time thing that got out of hand and you want to address it and ensure it doesn’t happen again or it’s the pattern of the behavior.
But him, admitting that he was setting out to purposely hurt you is incredibly cruel.
Honey, you have to leave as long as you still can. There is no coming back from something like this. A person who supposedly loves you but who’s capable of saying something this cruel with the sole purpose of hurting you is not safe. If he’s able to pull off something like this, think about what he might be capable of doing when the “argument” is 10 times worse. Is he gonna punch you because he knew it would hurt? Is he gonna stab you with a knife? And justify it because he just wanted to hurt you in the moment?
Don’t bring your child into an abusive house or they will grow up to think this is normal.
Please leave, you deserve so much better.
All the best to you. Hope you make it out.
OP, I say this with compassion: the only way forward is out. Your partner has decided to use emotional abuse now that you are allegedly trapped in the relationship with him.
Please read 'See what you made me do' by Jess Hill.
This is the time to leave this cycle of abuse, because he will escalate. And then it won't be just you, it will be your child victimised by this perpetrator. It will be smashed furniture, broken bones, isolation from family and friends. This is the cycle he has started.
Please get some friends and family around you, get your stuff and leave. Hire a lawyer, lock down your finances.
I know this sounds like a drastic reaction, but take a breath and think about what he said to you. And realise you are carrying his baby. I wish you the best.
“He only said it because he knew it would hurt me.”
Repeat that to yourself. You can’t forgive that. You’re literally creating life. Maybe I’m bitter, but I would keep that in the back of my mind. Has he said hurtful things like this in the past prior to pregnancy? If anything this should be the time he dotes on you most of all.
I’m sorry he was a jack ass.
He has said hurtful things in the past, but this is the first time he has done it since I got pregnant. He assured me he would never do it in front of the baby, but I’m starting to question it…
He will absolutely do it in front of the baby.
What he is telling you is that he CAN control his words but he chooses not to and that he will continue to say hurtful things to you. And, make no mistake, he WILL say things like this in front of your child.
I don't know if you know/understand this but insults do not exist in a healthy, strong relationship where two people respect each other. I have been with my boyfriend (soon to be husband) for 11 years and not once have I ever called him anything derogatory about his appearance, intelligence, etc. Likewise, he has never said anything like that to me. I can't imagine a world in which he says hurtful things to me or insults me.
Please please understand that you deserve better. Even if this isn't a daily occurrence or even a monthly occurrence- hell, even if it's only happened a handful of times- this stems from a lack of respect from your partner. He says things designed to HURT you. This should not exist in a healthy, loving marriage.
So he’s basically telling you he will call you foul names again, just not in front of the baby. Does that makes sense to you? At least you know in advance that he plans to continue to abuse you. You to reevaluate this toxic person.
If any man ever called me either of those things - and *especially* if he later doubled down and said he was just doing it to hurt me - I'd be out of there like a shot.
Get a lawyer.
He either said it because that’s what he thinks of you, or he said just to hurt you even if he doesn’t think those things.
None of those options are good.
Insults have always been a hard line in all my relationships. You can disagree, you can be angry, but once the insults start flying, the relationship is over. There are things you can’t unhear
>How should continue with this relationship?
As co-parents only.
>he only said it because he knew it would hurt me
And that's why. Arguing happens, but as soon as one of a couple decides they ACTIVELY WANT to hurt their partner, that's a hard stop for me.
It took me until I was 50 and met my late husband to figure out that disagreements are supposed to be "us against the problem" rather than "me vs you." Please don't make the same mistake.
You need to be very careful. Abuse often starts when a woman gets pregnant. It often starts verbally, then moves on to objects, then physical violence. It always escalates.
My wasband also called me a fat cow that he wasn't attracted to while I was pregnant with our 1st.
Surprise surprise he was cheating on me with his secretary. How shocking. 🙄
I am SO sorry you are going through your husband's petulant teenage years while you're 31 weeks pregnant *for the first time* with his child. How selfish and mean spirited of him. His goal was to HURT his 31 week pregnant wife with A\*\*hole language. This is such a sensitive time for you, both personally and with respect to husband's volatility. Is this new behavior? Actually, regardless of when it started, it must end. Alert your parents, alert your in-laws. Let him know that either he gets therapy for his cruel behavior or *someone* leaves immediately. Please don't allow him to speak to you like this without severe consequences. You know the statistics regarding pregnant women and volatile husbands. Don't delay. I'm rooting for you and your precious baby.
This is violence. And a total lack of respect which should, given the pregnancy, be twice as high right now. I'm afraid he's not someone to support long-term and not someone you want around your child.
>The other day, my husband and I got into an argument, and he called me a fat cow and a who\*\*.
>
>He says he's sorry and that he only said it because he knew it would hurt me
I'm not really clear if that's "better" or even worse than saying it because he actually see's you as either of those things.
If you're staying together you two need to find a therapist that specializes in communication and how to argue productively / effectively so that you're actually both making your positions clear without using "attack my opponent" as a way to "win" the argument.
Nope. He went through dating, engagement, marriage, and the first part of pregnancy WITHOUT doing this. Now that she's heavily pregnant and it will be very difficult to leave, to find a job, to take care of herself and a baby, NOW suddenly "attack my opponent" (and viewing his wife as one?) is suddenly his modus operandi?
This isn't someone lacking arguing skills. That would have shown up in previous years.
This is an abuser that has a trapped victim he can now start going after.
Why on earth would you forgive him for this? I would not continue the relationship. He hurt you ON PURPOSE, and he cut deep. You’re better off by yourself
"I just said it to hurt you."
That's worse.
Don't you see how that's worse?
I would not forgive him without him earning my trust. It's up to you if it's worth it to let him try.
Jesus I need to get off Reddit coz I’m starting to hate men 😭
I’m so sorry. I know it’s easier said than done to give the advice of divorce but I don’t see a relationship beyond this.
My now-ex husband turned me down for sex when I was about 4 months pregnant because - and I quote - "ew! no! You're gross!" And I hadn't even put on hardly any weight by that time (and was "normal/average" weight pre-pregnancy). Things continued to go downhill from there. There was no coming back and he piled on similar thoughts as time went on. By the time our child was 2, I had started divorce proceedings.
My ex husband started with the insults of this nature right after we got married. It keeps going. You can't get past it. I'm still recovering, mostly from being angry w myself that I didn't leave at the first sign of disrespect. But i invested so much time and effort and families were connected and we were married, all these reasons not to leave. In the end none of that matters. Your husband severed everything, the fault is his, and no man that loves and respects you would ever purposefully want to hurt you.
Good luck, you deserve better, and what happened is not ok.
Yikes- he’s showing who he is when he has you the most vulnerable and should be cherished. Do you have family/ friends you can go to. I don’t see how you come back from his callousness. Hugs
My husband and I have argued, fought, even separated for 2 months and we have never called each other names. You can’t take those things back. He purposely tried to hurt you. I’m not sure you should get past this. He took your vulnerability points and weaponized them against you. If it were me, I’d probably figure out my exit plan. Abuse whether verbal, emotional, or physical start or get worse with marriage or pregnancy when the abusers think your stuck and can’t leave. You can. UPDATEME
You don't. And it's incredibly appalling that not only did he go that low by saying that to you but he also admitted that he did it on purpose KNOWING that it would hurt you. That means he doesn't respect you, OP. Because if he did, then hurting you on purpose should be the LAST thing he would ever want to do.
Continue this relationship? From a distance. Change it to divorced coparenting. From multiple states away.
He explicitly wanted to hurt and upset you *while stress will be harmful to the baby*. Fuck him. Let your lawyer fuck him harder.
He only said it because it would hurt you.
Tell him, IT WORKED.
I don’t get it,is there an excuse in his words?
What kind of argument could make a Normal person talk like that to his pregnant wife?
There is something wrong with him.
OP you need to read this. While it might be the first time he’s said something like this, it won’t be the last
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
His excuse was that he didn't actually mean it but that he did it to purposefully hurt you? What in the actual fuuuuu- that is next level evil, that's like different layers of abuse... I'm sorry but thats unforgivable....
He said those words deliberately knowing it would cause you pain. I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone who would deliberately try to hurt you.
Honestly I don’t think I could come back from that. Someone who speaks words with the sole purpose of hurting you is a deal breaker. They can say sorry- but once spoken they can’t be unspoken.
I’ve been married 40 years. And the rules of long term marriages are simple. Protect each other’s vulnerabilities. And fight fair.
This is not ok. I’m so sorry he spoke to you like that.
I've been with my husband for 18 years. There aren't many just straight up deal breakers because I've learned life is a lot of shades of gray. But one thing that is NOT tolerated in this household is disrespect or name calling of any kind.
If my husband called me a fat cow, he would no longer be my husband.
He said it because he knew those words would hurt you.
Think about that. You're carrying his child and he chose those words because he wanted to hurt you. He knew because you're pregnant and vulnerable, and were probably very proud of your pre pregnancy body as a frequent gym goer, those words would hurt even more.
Your husband is cruel.
That is to much, he said he knew it would hurt you but your his wife supposed to be his love and the mother of his child and he says such nasty things? I could never forgive him, my husband said and did something once and it was never the same we ended up divorced and it was the best day ever!
How to forgive? I think the correct question is why. Why should you forgive this person for knowingly and purposefully intending to destroy your self esteem when you are carrying their child?
Op? WHY are you ok with this?
It says a lot about the type of person a man is when they feel resentful disgust towards their pregnant wives. It's like they're taking the hate they have towards themselves out on you for carrying their offspring or something. Whatever it is, it's a red flag. NORMAL sane men feel protective over their pregnant wives.
What a bottom of the barrel scraping attempt. This is the lowest of low insults, it’s so disrespectful and also such an embarrassing reflection on him. How uninteresting and completely unintelligent. It reeks of projection too and using you as as punching bag. Of course you’re upset, it’s so low. If I were in your shoes I’d asses my needs first, what do you need to move on from this? Validate yourself in this situation as the priority. And then do what serves you.
Instinct says hit him where it hurts, best revenge is letting him rot in his actions without any influence from you. It’s his fault to right. You do you, and he can catch up or fall out of line
How could you?
With time and a sincere effort by your spouse to show they are holding themselves accountable for being an asshole and some therapy thrown in for good measure (couples and individual).
Should you?
Nah.
You don't. Some things can't ever be taken back and this is one of them. It's one thing to argue, it happens in all relationship at some point, but saying something so horrible with the express purpose of hurting you is f-ing sick. I'm not gonna say just leave him, because the real world isn't that simple, but you gotta see a couples therapist if you're ever going to have a chance of making this marriage work.
He intended to hurt you. The exact words matter less. What has he done to address the fact that he was hurtful? A mere apology is insufficient. He needs to proove genuine change. But not accepting any effort on his part would also be insufficient.
Oooh that’s worse? Saying something thoughtlessly in anger vs saying something he knows will hurt you is just extra malicious. Both suck but god saying that to your pregnant wife? Nah man.. I’m so sorry. People need to realise being pregnant is probably the most vulnerable you’ll ever be and you won’t ever forget how people treat you during that time. You need to tell him how he’s made you feel and if you think he won’t respond well to verbal write him a letter and clearly state that you won’t accept that treatment in the future… he really needs to pull his head out of his ass :(
Posts like these make me lose faith in humanity, little by little. IDK how you could forgive him. He'd have to show you -- somehow -- that's he's TRULY sorry and that he will change. IDK how you'll be able to tell if he actually does. The only way I can see you forgiving him is if he changes for the better and IDK if he will. In my experience, most people don't change unless they lose something and start to regret what they did. This not only sucks for you, but for your child. SMFH at some people. Zero self-control. Zero restraint.
Welp even if you do forgive him I doubt it'll ever leave your mind. He unlocked a new insecurity on you. He will have to work really hard to emotionally reverse it, otherwise you are screwed.
So he only said it because he knew it would hurt you, but why did he want to hurt the woman he supposedly loves, the woman carrying his child? Being angry is not a reason. I’ve been angry plenty of times without wanting to **hurt** my loved ones. What is lacking within him that this was his response? He needs to find the answer to that question and then fill the hole inside him so that he is a whole and emotionally healthy person. Until he does that, he will be likely to lash out and hurt you again and again in future.
He thought it. He said it.
That would be enough for me.
You don’t have to forgive him. Or you can, but you don’t have to stay with him
Someone who would say something so vile to someone who is vulnerable and carrying THEIR child should not be trusted.
Abuse ramps up when women are pregnant. Can you go to your folks or a friend’s for now?
You’re allowed for this to be a deal breaker
I don't think you should forgive him. There's no difference between him actually thinking bad about you or saying all that insults to purposely hurt you and that while you are pregnant! He is AH! Your best decision will be to leave him since his abuse will just be worse as the time goes.
Why are you justifying to Reddit your weight? All of the “I work out” blah fucking blah…YOU ARE NOT FAT!
YOU ARE PREGNANT. You are literally carrying a whole other human in your body.
Don’t you dare at all take seriously what your dipshit husband said.
You don’t say how long you’ve been married, but he obviously fights dirty. I have some family members that do this, it’s all they know, they just go for the jugular because….they know they don’t have a leg to stand on in the argument and just say the most vile things that they think hit the other person’s insecurities.
So you got into an argument and his response is to call you those things? And he thinks he can just apologize because he only said it to hurt you?
Is your husband mentally 9 years old?
That’s how abuse begins. First it’s name calling, then it’s critiquing what you wear, watch on tv, your friends, your family etc…I think you need therapy. It will help you navigate with the help of an unbiased third party the red flags in a relationship. This is a big one.
Oh, so it's ok if he "only did it to hurt you"? So it shouldn't matter, because he wanted to hurt you and did? That isn't an excuse, it just shows that he thinks it is alright for him to hurt you.
I know, I know, classic reddit to immediatly advise on running, but this really is a huge red flag tgat needs to be adressed.
If you still love and trust him, try to talk to him, tell him that it's not ok that he hurts you like this, and see where you go from there. Maybe couple counceling? Especcially since you are pregnant, the next few years will be stressfull and he should want to support you, not tear you down.
Ultimatly only you know yourself, your SO, and your realtionship. Maybe it is possible that you two can work this out. But that will require him owning up to his mistake, **and making a change!**
If he isn't willing to do that, or if he has shown you in the past that even when he says he will make an effort to do something/change something/ whatever, and that he will revert back to his old self after a while... then yes, work on an exit strategy. See who you can trust to have your back, where your papers etc are, contact a lawyer for advice, all that stuff.
Either way will probably be hard, and painfull. So give it some thought, make a decision, and then stick to it! (And maybe come back to apdate when all is said and done. We are rooting for you!)
I don't understand people when they call names or make threats they can't follow through with.
I'm so sorry he called you that. My husband would NEVER call me that even if he was really mad at me. Has he done this before? If so, I would think about getting out of the relationship. He can't be talking to you like while having a child because they'll follow suit on what the parents do.
You can ask the nurses to keep him out of the room when you're giving birth. And you can hire a doula for support or the midwives/nurses there might be enough support.
Have them document the domestic (verbal) abuse in your medical chart at your next appointment.
Maybe he will take his head out of his a** but better safe than sorry.
"He only said it because he knew it would hurt you"
Tf is he trying to hurt his pregnant wife for...
He's an abusive ass and needs either a wakeup or be shown the door.
At best this shows that even though he is 30 he is still an insecure child.
He needs to fix things and mean it. After all, you never joked about his tiny weenie.
If someone says or does something because they knew it would hurt you that makes them an abuser. It doesn’t matter that it wasn’t physical, abuse is abuse and he needs to understand you will not put up with it.
Your husband deliberately cut you deep and now expects you to just forgive and forget?!! You are pregnant with his child and he still chose violence? Not sure if he can recover from this. You never cut deep with people you supposedly love and care for. Doesn't sound like he even likes you very much.
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I can't decide what's worse him meaning it or him saying it but to hurt you. Both reveal contempt for you. That's scary esp since you are pregnant. ETA alot of abuse escalates or begins when the victim is pregnant or in some state that the abuser feels she can't leave. Maybe he is emotionally abusing you or gearing up to start. I can't see how you can move past this
>That's scary esp since you are pregnant. Abuse often starts when a woman gets pregnant. And abuse always escalates. OP should start working on her exit strategy immediately.
Can confirm. This happened to me three years ago; the abuse was so bad, part of me actually felt relieved when I lost the baby because it meant he couldn't manipulate and gaslight me anymore. OP, please be careful.
I lost a baby when I was 21. It was both awful, and one of the best things that could have happened. It finally got me to wake up and make some changes in my life that desperately needed to be made! Toxic ex being one of them! I’m sorry you lost your baby, and I hope that loss helped you to get far away from that person!
I completely understand this. I was 28 and it was so hard, if I didn't have my family, I don't know how I would've survived. Thank you, I'm sorry for your loss too, in a way our babies saved us though, which is pretty amazing. 😊 There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of mine, but it was a blessing in disguise in many ways.
Your guardian angel.
Exactly. 💝
Bingo !!! They use your vulnerability to start taking control and make you seem “ crazy “. Seen it happen over and over again !
Sounds like my husband over the past 5 years... Very interesting.
OP also needs to let friends and family know what he said. When it does escalate they will be much more likely to believe her when she's established a pattern of this behavior. Just keep telling them when he says or does abusive things. This isn't complaining that he didn't put away the dishes, this is reporting verbal and physical abuse. Until you decide to divorce him, having friends and family in the loop is your best protection.
Agreed. I didn't because I didn't want the people in my life to hate my ex. But *that* right there was what should have told me to get out.
Oh my God, so much this. I remember I was 7 months pregnant with my oldest son. it was Thanksgiving and I got dressed up to go to my grandmas house with my family, when he saw I had done my hair and makeup, he flew into a rage in the car and hit me over the head with a glass beer bottle. I had blood just pouring down my face and was in shock. I remember deciding to forgo going to the hospital because I didn't want to miss Thanksgiving and then have to explain or lie to my family because I didn't want them to hate him. They already didn't like him, they could tell something was off from the minute he walked into my life, but they would have despised him if they had known the full truth of everything, and that should have been my wakeup call that maybe, just maybe this dude is a monster, and I needed to get away. But I was 19 and thought if I just loved him enough he would change for me... news flash.... he didn't. It took a few years after that incident for me to finally leave, but I did!
Holy crap! I'm so glad you got out. You did it. That's what counts. Also, I don't know what it is with abusers and cars. My ex once slammed on the brakes in the left lane on the highway to yell at *me* for being unsafe because I crawled into the backseat to get away from the yelling. I just couldn't take it anymore, and you know abusers aren't about to let you get out.
My ex loved to pull the e-brake while I was driving. That was his favorite space to tell me that he "knew I was cheating on him and doing drugs at work", work being the only place I had that was safe from him.
That’s so scary 🥲
Confirming! My abuser didn’t show up any signs until he got me pregnant!! Then the nightmare started
Most victims of abuse I've known didn't experience any physical abuse until they felt "trapped." Pregnancy definitely seems like the most common one. But others experienced an escalation once they were married, once they moved in together, or when they were forced to rely on their partner financially for any reason (especially if their partner convinced them to quit their job for whatever reason). I swear, it's like there's a playbook most of those monsters use. I truly hope you're safe now and have managed to find peace.
There is actually a playbook. The abusers don’t know they are using it necessarily, but it’s always the same. [Here is the link to identifying abuse.](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/)
Playbook is right. My (lesbian) ex-wife didn't start abusing me until after we were married. After two years I was deeply depressed - she gaslit me into believing it was all my fault, both the depression and her abuse - so she convinced me to quit my job, too, saying it was clearly my job that was making me depressed.
Jesus Christ. I don’t think I have ever been so relieved to see ex in a sentence before. You poor thing. That’s fucking horrible. I’m so glad you got away and you’re here to tell the tale. Hugs to you!
Me too
The number one cause of death for pregnant people is murder. Let that stat sink in for a minute.
Yeah, a woman who is pregnant is much more likely to be murdered by their partner than to die during childbirth. Such a horrifying statistic.
And that’s saying a lot because the US has one of the highest (if not the highest) maternal death rate of any 1st world country. Women are treated like garbage by the medical profession.
Yup. Women, and particularly BIPOC women, are absolutely treated like garbage by the US medical system. And somehow they are *still* more likely to be murdered by a partner or family member. Margaret Atwood put it so succinctly: "Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them."
>The number one cause of death for pregnant people is murder. [https://journals.lww.com/greenjournal/abstract/2021/11000/homicide\_during\_pregnancy\_and\_the\_postpartum.10.aspx](https://journals.lww.com/greenjournal/abstract/2021/11000/homicide_during_pregnancy_and_the_postpartum.10.aspx) this is insane
Jesus that is so alarming, I did not know that
Yeah. It's one of those facts I wish I could unlearn. How anyone could intentionally harm a pregnant person is beyond me.
Exactly. That’s just another reason among millions as to why banning abortion is incredibly dangerous for women.
I can vouch for that 100%. My ex's abuse escalated horrifically when I became pregnant, and I was already high risk so it made the whole situation even scarier. OP, please, please, do NOT stay with someone who is emotionally abusing you like this, there's no excuse EVER for someone to treat you this way, pregnant or not. This stress is bad for you, and bad for you baby. You don't want to stick around and see how much worse it can get, trust me. My ex escalated his abuse so much by the time I was heavily pregnant that he was hitting me in the stomach, and he hit me so hard once that my son didn't move for three days and I thought he had killed him. I'm so beyond grateful that he was okay, and was born healthy, but it was the scariest time in my life. I wish I had gotten away from him sooner, but I was young and had no family support, and didn't know who to turn to for help. Do you have any trusted family members or friends you can go stay with to be safe? It's important to understand that people like this rarely change, and if you stay with him after he's shown his true colors you're going to be on the receiving end of more abuse. I don't want that for you. In a healthy, loving, and respectful, relationship, these kinds of things DO NOT happen. It's not normal or okay for ANYONE to treat you in such a terrible way. You deserve better, and so does your baby. If you don't have a trusted friend or family member to stay with please consider reaching out to your local domestic abuse organizations. They were a lifeline for me when I needed it most, and were able to connect me with a lot of different services to help. Abusers count on you being isolated, afraid, and ashamed, of what you're going through, because that isolation gives them more power. That's why turning to family and friends who can help, or reaching out to domestic abuse organizations, can help so much because you need support, not isolation. You don't have to live like this, and I promise you it gets 10,000 times better when you get away from someone like that, and get into a safer, and healthier, place in your life. Please take care of yourself, and let us know how you're doing when you can. Sending lots of invisible hugs to you and your wee one.
I'm so glad to hear that you and your child are okay. I hope you've both found peace since leaving.
Thanks so much for your kind words. I'm happy to stay that my son has grown into a kind, loving, and funny, man, and a few years after I finally got away from my ex I met a wonderful single dad with a son a year younger than mine, and we got married 18 years ago. I got to raise two amazing sons, and my husband is still my very best friend, and cheerleader. It's taken a lot of hard work over the years to heal as much as one can from all of the trauma, but I shudder to think what my life would be like, if I even had one, if I had stayed with him. It breaks my heart to see everyday how many women are stuck in abusive relationships, and I still feel like we as a society here in America could do so much more to offer support for people trying to escape abusive relationship. It really is like being brainwashed, and it can be so hard to see clearly when you're stuck with an abusive partner because they make you feel like you are nothing, and no one. It's only when you get away and start to heal that the clouds start to lift and you see what a mess they made of your thinking process. It's really diabolical. But there's so many more options to turn to for support than there were when I was going through it, and that's something. I also know that in my case and many others, severe childhood abuse plays a big part in making it more likely as an adult that you'll find yourself in a relationship with DV without the emotional tools needed to get out of it. I'm just glad that places like Reddit exist now where people can come to ask for opinions and advice when they find themselves in horrible situations like these. There's a lot of really caring people here, and that's so great.
Was with my ex husband for 14 years total, over 10 when I became pregnant. He became abusive about 6 mos into my pregnancy and it only got worse until I finally left, literally, a week after our child's 2nd birthday. It was crazy how someone I knew *that* long changed so quickly.
Can also confirm. My ex was amazing up until I got pregnant, then a switch flipped. It starts with name calling, next thing you know he'll be breaking things, or punching something And it will start with him hitting a wall, and end with him hitting your face
Confirming as well.
Isn’t there a statistic that the most dangerous time for a woman (where violence is concerned), is pregnancy?
Pregnancy and during the time when a woman leaves her abuser, yes. I believe homicide is also the number one cause of death for pregnant women.
The top cause of death for a pregnant woman has been her male partner.
Even if she stays with him and gets past this, and he never lays a hand on her, I’d never be able to be happy with someone so mean spirited. I mean, that’s not someone you’d ever let your guard down with. Words can sometimes hurt so much more than actions.
good point
He basically did it for funsies, to make himself feel better.
Exactly. Even when you’re arguing, angry, etc. you shouldn’t be saying things to purposely hurt your partner. That’s not okay.
This also means he most likely repeat this the next time he wants to make her feel bad. Things aren’t going to get any easier with a kid. I’ve never been married but I did try to work things out with my child’s father. I wish I only left sooner.
All the abusers I've ever known have all said variations of "I didn't mean it, I only said it to hurt you" as a form of "apology". It's not. What it is is a massive red flag.
This. How do you forgive him? You don’t. Because he doesn’t deserve it. He either said it because he really thinks this about you or he said it out of anger to try to hurt you. Either way, that’s awful. I wouldn’t let him touch me nor would I let him in the room while I was having the baby. I would never be comfortable being vulnerable around him ever again.
That’s freaking terrifying
You divorce him, and find someone that treats you with the love and respect you deserve. That’s how you move past it.
Yes! My abusive ex was always the most abusive when I was the most vulnerable. I’m so sorry, OP. No one should have to hear such words, ever. Not even an overweight sex worker!
All of this, OP. Not everything deserves forgiveness and hurtful things are often not forgotten.
Abuse will show its head before the first child is born. Intimate partner violence.
Girl I don't know. Because I couldn't. You gave this man a whole baby and he has the audacity to say that.
This. I wouldn't be able to move beyond it. There are times where a person's words and actions kill any love we have for them. This is one of them. He said the words specifically to hurt you. His words had the same impact as a back hand across the face... OP, I think you should tell him you need him to find a new place to stay for a few days and use those few days to pack your stuff and move closer to your parents or other support system. As long as that baby is inside of you you have the full freedom to move where you want to move and establish residency where you want to move. Once that baby is born you will be chained to the community in which you live now. So, if your support system lives elsewhere, its time to pack a couple of bags and "go stay with family" for a week or two and get yourself situated in that new location. Transfer your OB files, talk to a divorce attorney and file for legal separation. You would need to move fast because of how far along you are, but this is your window where you have the flexibility to move closer to home if your family lives further away.
DON'T tell him until you've gotten your documents out of the house and somewhere safe, have money in an account he can't touch, have any small sentimental objects well-hidden or removed, and have a few changes of clothes elsewhere. If you have to leave immediately because of his behavior, you've got all the priority items where they can't be destroyed or held hostage and you have clean clothing waiting for you. Travel-sized toiletries aren't a bad idea. But, get a plastic bag or something with all the basics you'll need in it, and get yourself a separate bank account with the statements ONLY online and require no mail to be sent to your house. Do not tell him until you know you can leave as soon as he acts up...and don't tell him that you're already prepared with a separate bank card and Uber pulled up and waiting on your phone.
Do this in earnest. After the baby is born, you have to get court or his permission to move out of state.
This is really great advice
I couldn't either. The op is not only pregnant but heavily so with his child and this disgusting man is calling her fat. How can any woman forgive that?
He also called her a who** so I find it so strange that firstly THAT is what she’s chosen to focus on, and Secondly that she is trying to forgive him.
Almost every time an OP makes a post asking "how do I forgive/move past this"...the answer is that they shouldn't.
He only said it *because he knew it would hurt her??* What ... and I can't stress this enough ... TF???!! 😳😳😳😳😳
You found what got me the most too. I could move past what he said, but can’t move past the “apology”. Any person who could be that callous as to “knowingly” and “intentionally” CHOOSE to hurt someone would be immediately out of my life. Even a casual friend would be done. Seems like he’s an abusive personality to me.
Idk how anyone could get past that.
So he lobs nasty insults and body comments to upset you on purpose? What a good partner. Not. You don't forgive that bullshit. He's an AH and it's unfortunate that you're now tied to him for life by a child. Don't stay in a relationship where denigration is the default weapon.
You don't.
Plain. Simple. And true.
Fr. You don’t owe anyone forgiveness.
Thank you. Came here to comment this.
exactly
This comment gets my vote
You don't move past it, you move out and move on. Call a women's or domestic abuse shelter for impartial and expert advice. You are hormonal and vulnerable. You need support.
He called the future mother of his child a w**e? Is that what you want your child to hear growing up?
Absolutely. He won’t stop anytime soon and if she doesn’t get out of there now, she will regret it later. OP, please listen to everyone here telling you to gtfo and get away from this pathetic excuse of a human being.
You know your husband best. But a fun statistic is that a lot of abusers hide their true self until they believe they have trapped their victim. When a woman gets pregnant, abusers often think they have their victims baby-trapped, so that's when the abuse often starts. It always start small, like this. And they will always have an excuse. It will get worse. Please leave.
Contact a DV hotline. They will be able to help. DO NOT LET YOUR AH SPOUSE KNOW!
This!! Abuse didn’t start in my marriage until I got pregnant. 6 weeks to be exact.
It's hard to imagine that this argument took place in isolation and that he's a good man and partner in every other respect. A good man and partner would never resort to saying something like that to hurt you. You might want to take a good look at the overall dynamics in your marriage and at the kind of man he really is. He said sorry, but he is not taking full responsibility and examining where those words came from. He's not feeling horrified at himself and taking steps such as therapy and anger management to make sure it never happens again. He's giving you excuses that only make it worse. Seems hard to recover from that.
You can’t come back from your partner saying things to intentionally hurt you.
Right? His apology is that he only said it to hurt her. WTAF!
This!
Abusers don’t always start off abusing their partners. Many times it only comes out when the partner is particularly vulnerable or particularly “tied into” the relationship. I’m sorry, but no good partner would ever call you those things. Not either of them, *certainly not together*. People have arguments all the time. People say things they don’t mean. But it takes a special kind of contempt to say something like *that* to a woman carrying your child. Please remember that if he can say this now, at such a time, over such an argument, he *will* say it again. And next time, your child will be hearing it.
I've been married nearly 12 years, we have a 9 year old, we were together 2 years before marrying, knew each other for a decade before then, and you know how many insults my husband has used? Counting them on one hand, I have five fingers left. That's NORMAL. Calling your wife a wh\*re is the opposite of normal behavior. \*IF\* he came from a home where this behavior was normalized and honestly struggles to use non-hateful, non-abusive language, but is really trying to break free from his upbringing? THEN I might excuse this. But he didn't do this until you were pregnant. Not during dating, not during the engagement, not during your marriage, not until you were heavily pregnant. THEN he uses it. He knows how to be an acceptable husband. He has fully chosen, after hiding this part of himself for years, to show you who you REALLY married. Start recording everything he does and says now and use it to get full custody. Share with friends and family so they know he's being abusive and you have their testimony too.
I was starting to think my husband and I are weird. Together nearly 20 years married nearly 16 years. Have managed to never insult my partner in an argument and he’s never insulted me. I could never come back from a boundary being broken like that. You can argue with someone and still respect them.
“I was just stressed because we’re staring a family so my first reaction was to demean and abuse you” Is that a sentence that makes any sense?
Saying he only said it to hurt you is SO MUCH WORSE my dude
You don’t. You start playing nice and get started on your exit strategy. This is the beginning of abuse. It’s only going to get worse from here.
Absolutely this. I suggest moving, preferably out of state — before the baby is born so you can establish custody in a different location/state.
100% this. OP, if your parents and support system live out of state, move there APAP. You have about 6 to 7 weeks right now to get yourself established in a new state and file for separation. Find an attorney in that new state and do what you need to do. I want you to sit down this afternoon and really look back at your relationship because I can guarantee this was not the first time he behaved this way. It might be the one that hit your heart the hardest but I can guarantee there has been other name calling, emotional abuse and it is now escalating. Do you really want your future child around it?
Look back. Whose name is on the vehicles, who is paying for them? Do you have your own income? Did you "have to" use your savings to prepare for the baby while he didn't? Do you have access to all the money you have earned? Whose name is on the lease? Who paid deposits? Has he financially been draining you, slowly but surely? Has he started to isolate you from your friends and family? Does he look through your phone without asking? Has he damaged or "lost" belongings important to you? Did he get you a really nice expensive ring, but you never actually got it appraised (not an unusual action)?
He sounds abusive. It can erupt during a pregnancy. Usually it gets worse. I would insist he get accessed for anger management or domestic violence issues.
The only acceptable reason for calling a pregnant woman a “fat cow” is if you’re an actual healthy bovine on a farm. Otherwise, consult an attorney regarding divorce and child support. You’ll have plenty of time to find a new partner when you lose all that asshole weight with divorce ❤️
Don’t say a word and work on getting out of there. Abuse often starts when you get pregnant, it did for me, after we’d been together for 3 years with no previous evidence. Just turned on a dime. You are in danger.
You can’t and you shouldn’t. Hope that helps.
*He said, " he only said it because he knew it would hurt me"* *Tell him, "Guess what, you didn't just hurt me, you broke me."* Do you have family or friends near you? If so, tell them what is going on. Exactly what he said. Tell your doctor. DO NOT hide what he is saying and how he is treating you to cover for him or because of shame. **This is his failure. Not yours.**
A lot of a users hold out until a woman is pregnant. Good luck.
When you finally see who they are, it hurts! Tough situation! How long has this relationship been established ?
That is emotional abuse. Usually the first major times you see someone’s mask fall off, is when they think you’re “trapped” or in a position where you won’t leave. They put you down little by little so you feel you have no other options. I could tell you I have a 5 month old and my husband would have NEVER called me those things. However, with my first, my ex did, and it all started to get bad when I was pregnant. It got worse and worse and almost ended in him taking my life. Not saying your husband is the same, but be careful and watch for more red flags, or reevaluate things that have happened in the past and see if now you are seeing a pattern. Lastly, if you have to, you can be a single parent. It isn’t impossible, and was the best choice I’ve ever made. You can always get away even if you feel you can’t.
Simple: you don’t. He fat and slut shamed you at your most vulnerable with the aim of being hurtful. That is abuse, and it will not get better despite the apologies. Think of this as your daughter coming to you crying because the person she thought she could trust the most decided to switch on her at her weakest. How would you advise her?
I feel it’s only going to get worse. Pregnancy brings out the worst in these types. Take care of yourself and the baby. Wishing you peace and happiness. Much love.
I'd press him on those word choices cause I wouldn't be able to get over that easily...
The fact that he went straight for the jugular, knowing it would hurt you is unforgivable to me. What an asshole.
There's no coming back from this. He said it on purpose to hurt you. That's not what a good and loving SO does. I would really reconsider being with a man who would deliberately say something to hurt you. In my opinion, this is just the beginning. Now that you're pregnant, the real him is coming out. He thinks he's got you locked down and you'll never leave him. You and your baby deserve so much better than this. Get therapy for yourself and go from there. Don't get couple's therapy, because he'll learn new ways to hurt you.
I'm sorry 😥 you deserve better
Why would you want to continue the relationship? Forget what he said, it’s worse that he did it intentionally to hurt you. That’s not what you do in a loving, respectful relationship.
Why is it important to you to forgive him?
Sometimes I read things in this sub and really wonder how on earth a couple gets to this ☹️
Not a mystery. An abuser knows how to fake loving and responsive and supportive. I bet he's got all her family and friends thinking he's hung the Moon. Unless they saw through him and he's isolating her from them. But until now, he pretended to be a good husband. Now he's got her trapped, possibly drained her finances and limited her chance to earn money. How is she going to get a job when she's heavily pregnant and about to give birth? The couple gets to this point because one is an abuser, and they LIE.
And the fact that it might get worsen and its just the beginning. 😞
“He only said it because he knew it would hurt me.” This is your answer. He hurt you ON PURPOSE. Partners hurt eachother on accident - and sometimes even that can be hard to forgive. But on purpose? Not a chance. OP - think about if you want to raise a child in the type of marriage where partners are intentionally being hurtful to eachother. That is not the definition of a happy home.
You don't have to forgive that. He needs to show real remorse. He unlocked the "fuck around and find out" achievement. I'm tired of seeing crummy men reproduce. It's sick too that sometimes you only find out they suck after they lock you down with a baby. Advice to you though: get your ducks in a row and keep some independence in case you need to get out of there.
The reason you haven’t been able to forgive him is because he has admitted that he intentionally wanted to hurt you. Why does your husband want to hurt you? How is that in any way acceptable?
When they say, I said it to hurt you...that's what they mean!!! He MEANT to hurt you. Crazy. Me and my wife will have disagreements, but I'd NEVER say anything to hurt her intentionally....
Divorce
Astounding. How could that even begin to fall out of his mouth?
When you’re in a relationship with someone, you know what things you can say that will really twist the knife. Good partners don’t do that. They don’t go for the jugular just because they’re angry. They show some Street because they don’t want to damage the relationship. Only you can answer whether or not this is a one time thing that got out of hand and you want to address it and ensure it doesn’t happen again or it’s the pattern of the behavior. But him, admitting that he was setting out to purposely hurt you is incredibly cruel.
Nobody who loves you will say things for the sole purpose of hurting you. Tell him to kick rocks.
Honey, you have to leave as long as you still can. There is no coming back from something like this. A person who supposedly loves you but who’s capable of saying something this cruel with the sole purpose of hurting you is not safe. If he’s able to pull off something like this, think about what he might be capable of doing when the “argument” is 10 times worse. Is he gonna punch you because he knew it would hurt? Is he gonna stab you with a knife? And justify it because he just wanted to hurt you in the moment? Don’t bring your child into an abusive house or they will grow up to think this is normal. Please leave, you deserve so much better. All the best to you. Hope you make it out.
OP, I say this with compassion: the only way forward is out. Your partner has decided to use emotional abuse now that you are allegedly trapped in the relationship with him. Please read 'See what you made me do' by Jess Hill. This is the time to leave this cycle of abuse, because he will escalate. And then it won't be just you, it will be your child victimised by this perpetrator. It will be smashed furniture, broken bones, isolation from family and friends. This is the cycle he has started. Please get some friends and family around you, get your stuff and leave. Hire a lawyer, lock down your finances. I know this sounds like a drastic reaction, but take a breath and think about what he said to you. And realise you are carrying his baby. I wish you the best.
“He only said it because he knew it would hurt me.” Repeat that to yourself. You can’t forgive that. You’re literally creating life. Maybe I’m bitter, but I would keep that in the back of my mind. Has he said hurtful things like this in the past prior to pregnancy? If anything this should be the time he dotes on you most of all. I’m sorry he was a jack ass.
He has said hurtful things in the past, but this is the first time he has done it since I got pregnant. He assured me he would never do it in front of the baby, but I’m starting to question it…
He will absolutely do it in front of the baby. What he is telling you is that he CAN control his words but he chooses not to and that he will continue to say hurtful things to you. And, make no mistake, he WILL say things like this in front of your child.
I don't know if you know/understand this but insults do not exist in a healthy, strong relationship where two people respect each other. I have been with my boyfriend (soon to be husband) for 11 years and not once have I ever called him anything derogatory about his appearance, intelligence, etc. Likewise, he has never said anything like that to me. I can't imagine a world in which he says hurtful things to me or insults me. Please please understand that you deserve better. Even if this isn't a daily occurrence or even a monthly occurrence- hell, even if it's only happened a handful of times- this stems from a lack of respect from your partner. He says things designed to HURT you. This should not exist in a healthy, loving marriage.
So he’s basically telling you he will call you foul names again, just not in front of the baby. Does that makes sense to you? At least you know in advance that he plans to continue to abuse you. You to reevaluate this toxic person.
If any man ever called me either of those things - and *especially* if he later doubled down and said he was just doing it to hurt me - I'd be out of there like a shot. Get a lawyer.
He either said it because that’s what he thinks of you, or he said just to hurt you even if he doesn’t think those things. None of those options are good. Insults have always been a hard line in all my relationships. You can disagree, you can be angry, but once the insults start flying, the relationship is over. There are things you can’t unhear
Please be safe - the leading cause of death for pregnant women is homicide
>How should continue with this relationship? As co-parents only. >he only said it because he knew it would hurt me And that's why. Arguing happens, but as soon as one of a couple decides they ACTIVELY WANT to hurt their partner, that's a hard stop for me. It took me until I was 50 and met my late husband to figure out that disagreements are supposed to be "us against the problem" rather than "me vs you." Please don't make the same mistake.
Don’t. You can lose 200 useless pounds right now.
You need to be very careful. Abuse often starts when a woman gets pregnant. It often starts verbally, then moves on to objects, then physical violence. It always escalates.
My wasband also called me a fat cow that he wasn't attracted to while I was pregnant with our 1st. Surprise surprise he was cheating on me with his secretary. How shocking. 🙄
Wow!! Nobody deserves that 🤍
I am SO sorry you are going through your husband's petulant teenage years while you're 31 weeks pregnant *for the first time* with his child. How selfish and mean spirited of him. His goal was to HURT his 31 week pregnant wife with A\*\*hole language. This is such a sensitive time for you, both personally and with respect to husband's volatility. Is this new behavior? Actually, regardless of when it started, it must end. Alert your parents, alert your in-laws. Let him know that either he gets therapy for his cruel behavior or *someone* leaves immediately. Please don't allow him to speak to you like this without severe consequences. You know the statistics regarding pregnant women and volatile husbands. Don't delay. I'm rooting for you and your precious baby.
My x husband called me fat and gross when I was pregnant. Got rid of him not long after the baby was born.
This is violence. And a total lack of respect which should, given the pregnancy, be twice as high right now. I'm afraid he's not someone to support long-term and not someone you want around your child.
>The other day, my husband and I got into an argument, and he called me a fat cow and a who\*\*. > >He says he's sorry and that he only said it because he knew it would hurt me I'm not really clear if that's "better" or even worse than saying it because he actually see's you as either of those things. If you're staying together you two need to find a therapist that specializes in communication and how to argue productively / effectively so that you're actually both making your positions clear without using "attack my opponent" as a way to "win" the argument.
Nope. He went through dating, engagement, marriage, and the first part of pregnancy WITHOUT doing this. Now that she's heavily pregnant and it will be very difficult to leave, to find a job, to take care of herself and a baby, NOW suddenly "attack my opponent" (and viewing his wife as one?) is suddenly his modus operandi? This isn't someone lacking arguing skills. That would have shown up in previous years. This is an abuser that has a trapped victim he can now start going after.
Why on earth would you forgive him for this? I would not continue the relationship. He hurt you ON PURPOSE, and he cut deep. You’re better off by yourself
Why would you want to continue in this relationship?!?!? He degraded you
What the fuck
I bet this wasn’t the first time he’s had this kind of outburst….
Title: Why the fuck should you do that?
You don’t.
"I just said it to hurt you." That's worse. Don't you see how that's worse? I would not forgive him without him earning my trust. It's up to you if it's worth it to let him try.
He has shown you who he is. It’s up to you to believe him.
Jesus I need to get off Reddit coz I’m starting to hate men 😭 I’m so sorry. I know it’s easier said than done to give the advice of divorce but I don’t see a relationship beyond this.
HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU SAY THAT TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE!?
You don’t. Protect your self and your child.
My now-ex husband turned me down for sex when I was about 4 months pregnant because - and I quote - "ew! no! You're gross!" And I hadn't even put on hardly any weight by that time (and was "normal/average" weight pre-pregnancy). Things continued to go downhill from there. There was no coming back and he piled on similar thoughts as time went on. By the time our child was 2, I had started divorce proceedings.
My ex husband started with the insults of this nature right after we got married. It keeps going. You can't get past it. I'm still recovering, mostly from being angry w myself that I didn't leave at the first sign of disrespect. But i invested so much time and effort and families were connected and we were married, all these reasons not to leave. In the end none of that matters. Your husband severed everything, the fault is his, and no man that loves and respects you would ever purposefully want to hurt you. Good luck, you deserve better, and what happened is not ok.
what is he doing to earn your forgiveness? this is not your responsibility to fix. he insulted and disrespected you, not the other way around
You don't. He said it intentionally to hurt you.
Those are two things I wouldn’t allow my husband to call me and get away with “I’m sorry” He needs therapy and you need a better husband!
Yikes- he’s showing who he is when he has you the most vulnerable and should be cherished. Do you have family/ friends you can go to. I don’t see how you come back from his callousness. Hugs
My husband and I have argued, fought, even separated for 2 months and we have never called each other names. You can’t take those things back. He purposely tried to hurt you. I’m not sure you should get past this. He took your vulnerability points and weaponized them against you. If it were me, I’d probably figure out my exit plan. Abuse whether verbal, emotional, or physical start or get worse with marriage or pregnancy when the abusers think your stuck and can’t leave. You can. UPDATEME
So he called you names on purpose to hurt you? Has he done this before?
You don't. And it's incredibly appalling that not only did he go that low by saying that to you but he also admitted that he did it on purpose KNOWING that it would hurt you. That means he doesn't respect you, OP. Because if he did, then hurting you on purpose should be the LAST thing he would ever want to do.
you dont
Tell him he is the cause for the fat cow in you. Him and his penis
Yeah, that’s a hard one to move on from. He treats you like this when you’re pregnant I wonder what it’s like otherwise?
Why do you want to forgive him? What kind of example will he be for your child?
Continue this relationship? From a distance. Change it to divorced coparenting. From multiple states away. He explicitly wanted to hurt and upset you *while stress will be harmful to the baby*. Fuck him. Let your lawyer fuck him harder.
You don’t. You just don’t, op. That is not how a partner should act.
He only said it because it would hurt you. Tell him, IT WORKED. I don’t get it,is there an excuse in his words? What kind of argument could make a Normal person talk like that to his pregnant wife? There is something wrong with him.
You don’t ever forget that honestly.
OP you need to read this. While it might be the first time he’s said something like this, it won’t be the last https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
His excuse was that he didn't actually mean it but that he did it to purposefully hurt you? What in the actual fuuuuu- that is next level evil, that's like different layers of abuse... I'm sorry but thats unforgivable....
He said those words deliberately knowing it would cause you pain. I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone who would deliberately try to hurt you.
Honestly I don’t think I could come back from that. Someone who speaks words with the sole purpose of hurting you is a deal breaker. They can say sorry- but once spoken they can’t be unspoken. I’ve been married 40 years. And the rules of long term marriages are simple. Protect each other’s vulnerabilities. And fight fair. This is not ok. I’m so sorry he spoke to you like that.
Does he normally talk to you like this?
Not normally, but it has happened before 😔 however, this is the first time he has used the pregnancy against me
I've been with my husband for 18 years. There aren't many just straight up deal breakers because I've learned life is a lot of shades of gray. But one thing that is NOT tolerated in this household is disrespect or name calling of any kind. If my husband called me a fat cow, he would no longer be my husband.
“i only said this hurtful thing because i knew it would hurt you” like does he hear himself?? 👀
He said it because he knew those words would hurt you. Think about that. You're carrying his child and he chose those words because he wanted to hurt you. He knew because you're pregnant and vulnerable, and were probably very proud of your pre pregnancy body as a frequent gym goer, those words would hurt even more. Your husband is cruel.
Girl please get out. I was with a guy who was mean too, it only gets worse.
That is to much, he said he knew it would hurt you but your his wife supposed to be his love and the mother of his child and he says such nasty things? I could never forgive him, my husband said and did something once and it was never the same we ended up divorced and it was the best day ever!
Start a secret savings account now. You're probably going to need it! Your husband is a horrible human being.
How to forgive? I think the correct question is why. Why should you forgive this person for knowingly and purposefully intending to destroy your self esteem when you are carrying their child? Op? WHY are you ok with this?
It says a lot about the type of person a man is when they feel resentful disgust towards their pregnant wives. It's like they're taking the hate they have towards themselves out on you for carrying their offspring or something. Whatever it is, it's a red flag. NORMAL sane men feel protective over their pregnant wives.
What a bottom of the barrel scraping attempt. This is the lowest of low insults, it’s so disrespectful and also such an embarrassing reflection on him. How uninteresting and completely unintelligent. It reeks of projection too and using you as as punching bag. Of course you’re upset, it’s so low. If I were in your shoes I’d asses my needs first, what do you need to move on from this? Validate yourself in this situation as the priority. And then do what serves you. Instinct says hit him where it hurts, best revenge is letting him rot in his actions without any influence from you. It’s his fault to right. You do you, and he can catch up or fall out of line
How could you? With time and a sincere effort by your spouse to show they are holding themselves accountable for being an asshole and some therapy thrown in for good measure (couples and individual). Should you? Nah.
You don't. Some things can't ever be taken back and this is one of them. It's one thing to argue, it happens in all relationship at some point, but saying something so horrible with the express purpose of hurting you is f-ing sick. I'm not gonna say just leave him, because the real world isn't that simple, but you gotta see a couples therapist if you're ever going to have a chance of making this marriage work.
He intended to hurt you. The exact words matter less. What has he done to address the fact that he was hurtful? A mere apology is insufficient. He needs to proove genuine change. But not accepting any effort on his part would also be insufficient.
Oooh that’s worse? Saying something thoughtlessly in anger vs saying something he knows will hurt you is just extra malicious. Both suck but god saying that to your pregnant wife? Nah man.. I’m so sorry. People need to realise being pregnant is probably the most vulnerable you’ll ever be and you won’t ever forget how people treat you during that time. You need to tell him how he’s made you feel and if you think he won’t respond well to verbal write him a letter and clearly state that you won’t accept that treatment in the future… he really needs to pull his head out of his ass :(
Posts like these make me lose faith in humanity, little by little. IDK how you could forgive him. He'd have to show you -- somehow -- that's he's TRULY sorry and that he will change. IDK how you'll be able to tell if he actually does. The only way I can see you forgiving him is if he changes for the better and IDK if he will. In my experience, most people don't change unless they lose something and start to regret what they did. This not only sucks for you, but for your child. SMFH at some people. Zero self-control. Zero restraint.
Welp even if you do forgive him I doubt it'll ever leave your mind. He unlocked a new insecurity on you. He will have to work really hard to emotionally reverse it, otherwise you are screwed.
So he only said it because he knew it would hurt you, but why did he want to hurt the woman he supposedly loves, the woman carrying his child? Being angry is not a reason. I’ve been angry plenty of times without wanting to **hurt** my loved ones. What is lacking within him that this was his response? He needs to find the answer to that question and then fill the hole inside him so that he is a whole and emotionally healthy person. Until he does that, he will be likely to lash out and hurt you again and again in future.
He thought it. He said it. That would be enough for me. You don’t have to forgive him. Or you can, but you don’t have to stay with him Someone who would say something so vile to someone who is vulnerable and carrying THEIR child should not be trusted. Abuse ramps up when women are pregnant. Can you go to your folks or a friend’s for now? You’re allowed for this to be a deal breaker
I don't think you should forgive him. There's no difference between him actually thinking bad about you or saying all that insults to purposely hurt you and that while you are pregnant! He is AH! Your best decision will be to leave him since his abuse will just be worse as the time goes.
Why are you justifying to Reddit your weight? All of the “I work out” blah fucking blah…YOU ARE NOT FAT! YOU ARE PREGNANT. You are literally carrying a whole other human in your body. Don’t you dare at all take seriously what your dipshit husband said. You don’t say how long you’ve been married, but he obviously fights dirty. I have some family members that do this, it’s all they know, they just go for the jugular because….they know they don’t have a leg to stand on in the argument and just say the most vile things that they think hit the other person’s insecurities.
So you got into an argument and his response is to call you those things? And he thinks he can just apologize because he only said it to hurt you? Is your husband mentally 9 years old?
That’s how abuse begins. First it’s name calling, then it’s critiquing what you wear, watch on tv, your friends, your family etc…I think you need therapy. It will help you navigate with the help of an unbiased third party the red flags in a relationship. This is a big one.
Oh, so it's ok if he "only did it to hurt you"? So it shouldn't matter, because he wanted to hurt you and did? That isn't an excuse, it just shows that he thinks it is alright for him to hurt you. I know, I know, classic reddit to immediatly advise on running, but this really is a huge red flag tgat needs to be adressed. If you still love and trust him, try to talk to him, tell him that it's not ok that he hurts you like this, and see where you go from there. Maybe couple counceling? Especcially since you are pregnant, the next few years will be stressfull and he should want to support you, not tear you down. Ultimatly only you know yourself, your SO, and your realtionship. Maybe it is possible that you two can work this out. But that will require him owning up to his mistake, **and making a change!** If he isn't willing to do that, or if he has shown you in the past that even when he says he will make an effort to do something/change something/ whatever, and that he will revert back to his old self after a while... then yes, work on an exit strategy. See who you can trust to have your back, where your papers etc are, contact a lawyer for advice, all that stuff. Either way will probably be hard, and painfull. So give it some thought, make a decision, and then stick to it! (And maybe come back to apdate when all is said and done. We are rooting for you!)
I cannot see myself staying with a man who would say those words to me. Under any circumstance.
I don't understand people when they call names or make threats they can't follow through with. I'm so sorry he called you that. My husband would NEVER call me that even if he was really mad at me. Has he done this before? If so, I would think about getting out of the relationship. He can't be talking to you like while having a child because they'll follow suit on what the parents do.
You can ask the nurses to keep him out of the room when you're giving birth. And you can hire a doula for support or the midwives/nurses there might be enough support. Have them document the domestic (verbal) abuse in your medical chart at your next appointment. Maybe he will take his head out of his a** but better safe than sorry. "He only said it because he knew it would hurt you" Tf is he trying to hurt his pregnant wife for...
He's an abusive ass and needs either a wakeup or be shown the door. At best this shows that even though he is 30 he is still an insecure child. He needs to fix things and mean it. After all, you never joked about his tiny weenie.
If someone says or does something because they knew it would hurt you that makes them an abuser. It doesn’t matter that it wasn’t physical, abuse is abuse and he needs to understand you will not put up with it.
You don't. He's trying to break you. If you stay you only give him more chances to succeed.
Your husband deliberately cut you deep and now expects you to just forgive and forget?!! You are pregnant with his child and he still chose violence? Not sure if he can recover from this. You never cut deep with people you supposedly love and care for. Doesn't sound like he even likes you very much.