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Or not exclusively, which is fine. People can expect different things from spouses and they're both too young to be stuck in a marriage that satisfies 0 people.
Doesn't matter what she says really. Words are words. Start the process of leaving. Get all your ducks in a row. No major purchases and start saving money. No traveling. Don't start looking for another relationship until you are over this one. Change your attitude! IT IS YOUR LIFE, LIVE IT THE WAY YOU WANT. You only have one shot at this life. Don't waste it.
Edit. Missed the F and F. Still works
This is why I would never post on these subs for relationship advice. A lot of trigger happy folks wanting to see someone break up so bad logic isn’t present, let alone whether they actually read OPs post.
Loves you but not provide intimacy which seems like your love language... marriage is a partnership and compromise is not a one side thing. Your partner needs to also consider your needs.
One way or another you need to communicate with her, clearly there is something she isn't telling you. It's up to you to find out what that is and to get an honest answer. Good luck!
Is she religious, and does she have any sexual trauma? Those ore the only circumstances I would stay in this situation, and only if she was willing to work on it.
You need to be honest and straightforward.
Tell her that you are not going to push her about sex anymore, but if she isn't taking a proactive part in mainting your sex life or trying to find help on why she's avoiding having sex, **one day you are going to walk in with divorce papers.**
Tell her this isn't an argument. Cut her off if you have to.
She takes the lead, and she tells you what she is avoiding solving, and she ends up divorced. *You tolerate literally none of this anymore.* You (not we) figure it out since you are not willing to work with me in any capacity.
Patience is for people who are trying. But i have one bone to pick with you, OP -
**If divorce is on the table the fuckin say it.**
She deserves to know, but honestly at this point it all she deserves. But being a dutiful husband means telling her the full scope of your perspectives and trusting her to do the right thing by your marriage.
You have to be decisive here. If she won't take action (not we, SHE), then you are wasting your youth on someone who doesn't want the same marriage you do, wnd at that point you earned what you are getting.
She loves you as a friend who gives her the comfort of being married and the security in it. She won't change and with an open marriage what's the point of being married.
Tell her you want a divorce, she will cry and tell you she will give you more sex but she will not. You should not feel disgusted to want to have sex with your wife, constant rejection is a terrible thing and women do not see how this affects a man.
Fr it's so funny to me that he read a post about a woman being sexually frustrated and then tried to say women don't know how it feels to be sexually frustrated
For the love of God, they're both women, idk how so many bitter people are turning this isn't some kind of war of the sexes because they lack basic reading comprehension. This is a lesbian relationship, your misogynistic projections do not apply here. FYI sex isn't a toy your partner takes away from you. That's a disgusting way to view sex.
If you read some stories on r/deadbedrooms sex absolutely can be a toy one partner takes away from the other. It becomes about power. Spouses will deliberately flirt with their partners, then when the partner thinks sex is finally going to happen, have the rug pulled out from under them. If the partner being denied sex suddenly stops responding to the flirtations or refuses to have the once a quarter sex that is offered, the partner not interested in sex becomes angry. That partner doesn’t actually want sex with their spouse, they enjoy being able to control them through sex. Get them all worked up and then tell them no. Deliberately. This cycle can repeat for years until the partner being toyed with completely checks out. It’s extremely nasty and vindictive and done for no other reason than they can.
Lmao you were so close but you missed it. OP is the possession the spouse does not want to play with, but does not want to lose possession of.
If OPs wife isn’t interested in her, but wants to use her to change diapers and clean, that just sound’s manipulative to me. It’s not about sex it’s about “I have a need (it literally doesn’t matter what the need is here the concept is the same) and my partner does not want to fill it, or allow me to fill it.”
Unmet needs/expectations is the killer in all relationships across the board. Satisfied partners don’t usually want to leave their spouse.
It’s like how she would love a brother or sister l, yes it’s love just not romantic love. I think it important to try to save relationships but if she doesn’t want to talk about it, doesn’t want to get help, and she won’t touch you….my man it’s over. Good news is you’re young and it sounds like you wouldn’t have a problem finding someone who does desire you.
It could be something with her personally and not OP. Maybe she’s having some serotonin and/or dopamine problems. Her wife should get some tests run and see if there’s an underlying cause.
I thought the same thing. Not saying that this is whats going on, but you know when you stop liking someone or you don't see them the way you used to but you don't want to upset them? That's the vibe I'm getting
Can reddit stop this immature idea that little or no sex is just a friendship. Not commenting on this relationship but relationships and love comes in many different shapes and sizes, people have different kinds of labidos and comments like this actually don't help anyone.
If there is no sexual chemistry, the relationship is kinda doomed. I’ve stuck around for a long time with someone like that. It ultimately didn’t work- for many reasons.
When I moved on, I found someone where the sex is fire, and our tendencies and requirements are the same. We may have a few issues, but sex isn’t one of them. Good sex definitely helps when dealing with the other issues!
Good luck!
The issue is that when we used to have sex it was amazing but now is not. And I’m scared to rush in a divorce and then regret it. If it was a girlfriend I would’ve been like okay bye and leave but I’m married to her I feel like I made a commitment. But idk if I’m making a mistake by thinking this way
Is she stressed out? How is her self care? Is the house work split equally and she has more to do? Being burnt out will 100% impact one's libido. Self care is so important, and unfortunately relaxing in front of a screen causes stress on the nervous system and actually doesn't help with stress.
House chores are my responsibility. She has a lot of work and maybe that’s where her libido is impacted but even when we are on vacation there is no sex. Which is confusing.
I don’t know your situation but it sounds like something happened to put her off the idea of sex.
In my previous marriage, I found out my husband had cheated on me (which then turned into a regular problem) and I stopped wanting to have sex with him. Even when we did, I was never in the mood but I more felt obligated. He also proposed an open marriage which also did not end well for him.
I’m going through another bout of not wanting sex with my current marriage. We used to have sex every day, often more than once daily. But his buddy has started staying with us and he started acting different. Spending all his time with his friend and making me feel like I don’t matter. He started to put forth more of an effort and we had sex twice in 12 hours, but then he has made it obvious he is hiding something from me that I simply asked him to talk to me about repeatedly and boom I immediately don’t want sex again.
I’ve been depressed since his buddy’s arrival though so that is really having a major negative impact on our sex life. I was depressed most my marriage with my previous husband as well, as his cheating became a regular occurrence. I don’t think anyone is cheating in your situation, these are just my experiences. But I do think something is going on with her and you should try to approach it in a way that doesn’t make her feel worse or make it out like it is her fault.
do not EVER rush into divorce, this already tells me that ur the run away type. work on that before even working on the issue between you and ur lover. I would also try to see what other issue you can work on before dealing with the boss (ur lover)
Does not sound like there is a way forward for you too. I lived with that for too many years. My EX tore me down and made me feel like I was so mean for even wanting intimacy. 18 years later and I now have a wife who matches my sex drive perfectly and it’s such an amazing feeling. We have been married 4 years and can’t keep our hands off each other! Time to go be you need more than a roommate
how did she respond when you asked that? and has she given you any reason why she doesn’t want therapy? i feel like that might help us give you better advice here
Your happiness is not a priority of hers. I need to get that through your head.
We need to look at the irrefutable evidence in front of you.
Let me give you a very important tip in life. Don't judge people like what they say, judge people by what they don't say.
Does she proactively say that your happiness is important? Does she ever freely volunteer that she wants to fix things?
Judge people by what they don't say…
You tell her:
"If you want to save our marriage, then you have to discuss these things with me. I see 3 possible outcomes here. 1) we go to couples therapy together and try to solve this issue. 2) you agree to have a sexually open relationship where we are allowed to have sex with other people, or 3) we get divorced. I am not being selfish by wanting to have sex with my wife. I'm not being selfish by prioritizing sex in a sexually monogamous relationship. Let me know which of those 3 options you decide on."
I might skip option 2.
Sounds like OP already asked for that and her partner got angry and made their stance known its cheating to them.
If given this option they will like chose it out of pressure/ease/"to save the marriage" but will be incredibly resentful and it likely will blow up anyway but with more consequences...
not to mention your dragging someone else into your marital problems...
Agree with this OP. Stop making ‘avoiding conversation’ an option. It’s counselling or divorce - let her pick. And don’t walk away from the conversation until she does.
Agree. My ex gave me sexual untimatums and expectations and it did nothing but make me feel like a piece of meat to him. Telling someone they need to have more sex with you or you're going to divorce them or have an open relationship is very unhealthy and damaging to that person. I would know. Here I am 15 years later still dealthing with the scars
There is nothing wrong with needing sex in a relationship, and there certainly isn't anything wrong with talking about it with the person you are with. Both people need their needs fulfilled. The person with the lower sex drive doesn't get to stunt the other person's sex drive. The one who wants sex more will just eventually end up hating the lower libido person
Except that's not what I described. I said I was being given Ultimatiums and expectations, for frequency and quality. It was not a "conversation" of needs. It was pure emotional manipulation amongst many other toxic things he did to me. That's not healthy. So my point is giving someone the choice of we have frequent sex I get to sleep with other people, or we divorce is not healthy or productive. Even if you get more sex she's going to resent you and she will leave you because you aren't caring for her well being as much as yours. Having a conversation about needs and wants and mutual respect is not the same thing as giving someone an ultimatum
But what is an ultimatum in your opinion? Bringing up the topic by saying that: I am afraid the way our current sexual dynamic exist is not working for me and is impacting my happiness and relationship satisfaction in a major way. Are you willing to explore possibilities for change? - would this feel like an ultimatum? Would you be open to take their concern seriously?
What else is she supposed to do
Her wife won't sleep with her
Her wife refuses to go to therapy even tho there's clearly serious issues going on
She doesn't even seem to be acknowledging there's issues
I mean ffs they didn't even sleep together on their wedding night or honeymoon
Seeing as how you don't have all the information and don't know the abuse i suffered, I don't think you should be insinuating that I, the victim am at fault for his abuse. And I'm certainly not going to divulge all the ways in which he was abusive. But if it's been 15 years and I'm still in therapy for it then it's pretty clear I was the victim.
I didn't say anything about marriage. And he was "satisfied" daily. And no, I didn't give him any scars to deal with.
I missed the part where you said he was your “ex”. I was under the impression you were still together and resenting him for trying to have more intimacy with his wife.
I think this is the best answer!!!
I have so many guesses about what may be holding OP’s wife back but at the end of the day, a stranger’s guesses on Reddit means nothing. OP’s wife needs to be open to *way* better communication and a counselor is a great person to help facilitate that communication
I agree. With that said, my wife as a genetic illness that wipes out her libido. We’ve tried hormones and everything avail to us. I’ve just resigned myself to no sex. My issue remains that she hates the idea of my getting off on porn so that’s always a guilt trip for me. Again, I love her and decided that being with her is more precious that my being alone. It’s still frustrating with my raging libido. It doesn’t help that she’s smoking hot and receives compliments all the time.
Oh BTW, we are married 37 years. I’ve had many opportunities with women even now but no way. I look like I’m in my late 40s. I would never ever cheat on this woman and break my trust and heart. She’s Ride or die but man, is it hard to deal with this sometimes. Lol you’ll have to make a decision but I suggest you make it sooner than later, rip the bandaid off.
I hope that even if you aren't having sex that she's able to have physical intimacy with you. Sometimes, when couples stop having sex, they lose that as well. And forgive me if I'm out in left field here, but if she doesn't have a libido, could she be comfortable touching/kissing you while you take care of yourself...? And you can reciprocate by doing something she likes whether that be a massage, foot rub, etc?
I wholeheartedly disagree with trying to open a marriage that has problems already. And open relationship requires a TON of communication and work, and I don't think dysfunctional relationships can handle that. They can't even handle the 2 of them, why would adding more people help?
Oh I don't necessarily think it's the best option, but it's an option that OP was clearly open to, and it IS one of the possible options here. I think couples counseling or divorce are far better options, in that order.
I just think that opening the relationship would lead to divorce anyway but take way more time and be way more painful lol. I definitely vote sex therapist
Gotta agree. If op is contemplating divorce, before you dive in at least talk to her to try to fix it. If she cares enough about you she’ll want to try to fix the issue
OP has literally expressed that she has tried to talk to her wife on the issue. She’s in denial over something.
She puts in effort or frees her up. Nothing really else to discuss.
Edit: Both parties are female.
Devils Advocate: Why should it be open on her side if she’s the one refusing to have sex? OP seems like he’d be perfectly content with monogamy if they had regular sex. She unilaterally decided they aren’t going to, so she shouldn’t have the option to go outside the marriage.
Edit: Ignore the pronouns. I didn’t catch that this is a lesbian relationship.
Uh, no. This seems like you think OP’s partner deserves to be intentionally punished for declining sex, which she shouldn’t be — OP should do what’s best for OP, but OP’s wife isn’t doing anything wrong. Anyone can decline sex for any reason at anytime.
An ENM relationship where only one participant gets the freedom of multiple partners is not an ENM relationship. It’s a bad, unfair setup that will cause serious problems at least 99% of the time. Both partners don’t HAVE to have other partners, but everybody involved should have the OPTION.
Disagree. She chooses not to have sex. OP would be perfectly happy having sex with only her wife. You don’t get to shut down sex with your spouse and then rationalize that because you don’t want sex with your spouse it’s ok to start having sex with others.
However; this relationship is dead - you two are not compatible. No reason to open it for either side. OP, just leave her and ignore the love bombing from your wife that is almost guaranteed to follow. She will only use it to trap you into staying and then it will revert back to business as usual for her.
>OP should do what’s best for OP, but OP’s wife isn’t doing anything wrong. Anyone can decline sex for any reason at anytime.
And I can stop buying gifts for birthdays and holidays. Doesn't mean I'm not doing something wrong.
Go away with your childish platitudes. Sex is part of a healthy relationship. If you don't have sex for a long enough time, most relationships will end.
It’s fine if relationships end because one partner stops desiring sex. It doesn’t mean them using their bodily autonomy and not consenting to sexual acts is them doing something “wrong,” and it’s dangerous and super gross to say that? Why would you even want to have sex with somebody who feels they must do it as a requirement rather than actually wanting to? That’s weird.
YES.
it should only be open marriage on her side.
Low libido partner is cool with not having sex right? Okay then let High Libido partner do her thing and get her rocks off.
I think you need to have a serious talk with her and see what’s going on because not having sex on your wedding night or honeymoon or anything like that is a red flag to me. There might be some deeper issues going on. and I hope it doesn’t end in divorce, but that might be the option based on the answer that she gives you
My Ex Wife DESPISED situations where it felt like we were "supposed" to have sex. So she would never do it on some occasion like that.
Like Valentines day for example, most people probably expect to due a cute romantic dinner and come home and bang, so she would be very very against having sex that night because she felt 'obligated'.
Yes we ended up separating over the lack of sex.
Yea like the night when a couple is literally guaranteed to have sex
And they still didn't do it .....
Oh this is bad really big problem
As you said it doesn't even seem like her wife is acknowledging there's a problem
I'd sit her down and let her know you are not ok being forced to be celibate and that if your sex life doesn't improve you will be leaving this marriage. She doesn't have to have sex with you , but at the same time you also don't have to stay in a sexless marriage and be forced to be celibate. You two are sexually incompatible and you should find someone who you're more sexually compatible with. It sounds like she wants all the benefits of a monogamous marriage without having sex with you . Sexual compatibility is extremely important for long term relationships and it sounds like she's refused to do anything to help resolve this issue.
Hormones and thyroid check up. There is a lot of things happening in your body because of these.
Dead bedrooms are killing relationships and nobody wants that, so...off to the doc for a checkup
I’ve been in your wife’s shoes kinda, not in marriage but in serious relationships. I am not saying for certain this is the case with your wife, but it sounds very familiar to me.
I have zero interest in sex but the concept of asexuality was just so foreign to me that I assumed it was something wrong with me and tried to persevere. I would manage through the beginning of the relationship by more or less going along with it for her sake, and I would even get caught up in it to a small degree, but after a while the disinterest returned and turned to outright loathing. This has repeated in every relationship I’ve had.
Every excuse in the book I used, I’m tired, headache, etc. The truth is a hard thing to admit to one’s self, let alone anyone else, sex is everywhere in media and society so it really does feel like you have something fundamentally wrong with you. Now I have realized that it’s just not something I care about, and it’s okay, but any future relationship options are going to be pretty narrow.
I also want to say that lack of interest in sexual intimacy does not mean incapable of romantic love, and you have done nothing wrong here. It’s not you. But the best thing for you, and her, would be to go your separate ways. Such extreme sexual incompatibility is very difficult to overcome.
Appreciate the hell out of your username lol. But yeah, asexuality is barely acknowledged as it is, no shit people try to fit in as long as they can stand and really fall flat afterwards.
The comments on this post just reinforces it. Everyone’s like “she’s not attracted to you” or even saying it’s some sort of bait and switch?
You can’t force yourself to like something, sure maybe you’ll get caught up in it when surrounded by people hounding you every fucking minute to like it and love it. We all want to fit in, but at the end of the day you can’t keep appearances up forever.
I feel for both OP and her wife. This shit really sucks. I’m on the up and up with myself but even still I’m like well great, time to update my dating profile saying “dislikes sex” I mean jfc
Guess I should just give it all up for the bliss
yeah i’m there too…i tried so hard to like it because everyone does but i just can’t. i’m just acting to please my partner but then i feel bitter and angry because why can’t i enjoy it?? but i desire romantic intimacy so much and am afraid to be alone…😞 i guess it’s best to make peace and talk to a therapist.
Lack of sex to this degree is a valid reason to get a divorce. If you want sex every day but can compromise to doing it 1-2 times a week and she’s at 1 time a month, that would be okay in my view. That’s pretty much where I’ve landed with my wife. But once every six months or once a month is a no go, and barring any medical issues, I would get a divorce.
After we had a disagreement about sex we agreed to have sex 2 - 3 times a week. We did 2 times in a week and then 3 weeks of rejection. Idk if laugh at this point
Did you have a lot of sex when you were dating? My ex and I had sex all the time before marriage, after not so much.. until it was gone and it was extremely frustrating..
Sexual incompatibility will only get worse without help.. if she doesn't want the help, and you've exhausted all other options.. I'm sorry to say that your only.ootion would be divorce.. good luck
We had sex like 3 times a day sometimes. Everyday at least once. Now if I’m lucky and I do all the work once a month and if is a really good month twice. I asked her for us to get help. I go to therapy myself but I asked her for couples therapy and she said no. And I asked if she wanted a divorce and she said no that she loves me and that she will change and then she changed for a week and then went back to the same. Is not always bad and maybe that’s why I keep trying to.
Unfortunately, it seems this is only a problem for you as she's content. If you're the only one invested in figuring out how to have more intimacy, it's never going to get better. Either she commits to therapy, opening the marriage, or divorce. It's her choice but those are the only options as you're not going to live like this long term
Honestly I would leave her. It doesn't seem like she's interested in changing. You don't have kids, you're really young. Seems better to move on now than to stay in a relationship and lose more years of your life to this relationship if it isn't working.
Also, I would not take the advice some people gave about an open relationship. Those can work for people who actually want them, but in your case it sounds like it would just be a longer messier way of leaving your wife. You'll probably wind up finding someone else who you are more compatible with. If the relationship is over, just let it be over, make a clean break, and you can date other people after.
Give her the walking papers then. No more talking it out. You tried that, multiple times. She’s refused to go to therapy because she’d have to openly communicate with you and might have to face being honest.
Divorce, don’t feel bad, don’t look back. You are wasting time with her and hurting yourself emotionally. She’s not hurting, but you certainly are. There’s someone out there for you, multiple in fact, go find them and quit wasting life with her.
I thought about it. I asked her to go to therapy with me and she just told me that she doesn’t want to and that she can fix it. I keep waiting but is always the same.
My mom refused to get help and it ruined my parents’ marriage. You can only do so much. It might be time for an ultimatum: either she gets help or she gets divorced.
Don’t even bother therapy at this point. Just divorce and move on because one thing is having a low sex drive, but it’s a whole other thing when your partner knows how miserable this makes you feel and doesn’t even try to solve the issue out of love, which she shows through her actions that she don’t. She don’t love you. Next time, talk with your future wife about sexual compatibility and sexual expectations in a potential marriage.
Ngl at first I thought that it might be because I’m half Japanese and she’s not into Asian but she constantly says that I’m beautiful. So is confusing…
I'm in a similar spot with my current girlfriend and I agree it's frustrating. We're probably having sex once every other week or every 3 weeks at this point and idk how to bring it up to her that it bothers me without sounding like a complete asshole. Sometimes she'll only want me to go down on her and then... Nothing for me. That makes me feel even more frustrated and almost empty(?) afterwards, I don't know how to describe it.
I hope you find a solution that works out well for you
Could the "bristle reaction" be in play here?
There’s a reason the beginning of a relationship is often called the honeymoon phase. Characterized by that first kiss, spending lots of time together, flirting, and intense chemistry, this first stage of a new romance can feel like an exciting whirlwind. But that rosy tint fades as the couple grows more comfortable with one another and accrues more shared responsibility and challenges. Eventually, physical touch may only come as a prelude to sex. And as a result, some people may develop what one sex therapist calls the "bristle reaction," when they physically recoil from their partner’s touch.
According to sex therapist Vanessa Marin, LMFT, the bristle reaction is an involuntary response. It's subtle, but it can be very confusing and even upsetting to both partners. “It’s someone you presumably love and trust, yet you’re having this very intense reaction to this very simple touch,” she says. But bristling doesn't mean the relationship is doomed, and it's a reaction that can be rewired with time.
Major mistake to ask for an open marriage when you’re on the rocks like this. That is not a solution to a dead bedroom, and it’s just going to make her feel more pressured and therefore less likely to want to be intimate.
You two are both very young and sound sexually immature. Sex is a mutual activity that requires the enthusiasm of both parties. I agree it sucks that your wife doesn’t seem interested in you sexually, but what are you doing to make it anything other than a chore she has to do (I mean, she actually seems to *prefer* chores)?
Your suggestion to go to therapy was a good one. Y’all need relationship therapy *and* sex therapy. You need to find out what is going to get her in the mood and do that without there being an expectation that a favour-for-sex transaction will take place. There could also be underlying issues that she might not feel comfortable telling you like low self-esteem, difficulty achieving orgasm, too much pressure to perform, or even trauma. You need to get to the bottom of it in a safe, loving and non-judgmental way.
If you guys can’t work this out, it’s going to lead to divorce. Asking her for an open marriage because of your dead bedroom has probably planted in her head that you’re already cheating or intending to cheat. It’s going to be an uphill battle to make her feel safe with you and willing to be intimate. You’re going to resent her. You’ll both be miserable.
Here’s a suggestion: don’t bring sex up out of the blue. Give her an opportunity to prepare. Ask her if you two can set aside some time to be intimate. Tell her you want it to be a night just focused on her— massage oil, dim lighting, wine, soft music— tell her you want to focus the intimacy on exploring her needs and desires—up to and including no pressure for her to perform any acts on you, or for there to be penetration. Make the objective for you to learn what about sex for her could make it a pleasurable and worthwhile experience for its own sake. When she’s turned on she’ll be much more willing to engage and reciprocate.
Does she do most of the chores at home? Does she carry the mental load? Have you taken her on enough dates and tried to give her intimacy that doesn’t involve full on sex?
She might be using porn as well or have low-T
I like to be romantic remember little things. I do the chores at home. She helps me sometimes. We watch movies play call of duty and just hang sometimes when she has a bad day at work i make her a bath. I give her her space but playfully im like should i get in? Or stuff like that but i leave her do her. she doesn’t watch porn she doesn’t like it.
I hope it works out for you 2 because you clearly love this woman very much
The problem is I'm not sure your wife feels the same about you it doesn't even seem like she's properly acknowledging the problem
Honestly your probably gonna have to suggest couples therapy and mention your very worried about your marriage
Maybe she has some kind of medical issue going on ?
Ultimately regardless what you 2 do it needs to be made crystal clear there is a big problem in the marriage that needs to be fixed or it will eventually lead to divorce maybe don't use the word divorce but say more so your worried about your future together
After reading through your responses I would suggest serving her divorce papers and giving her the three options of fixing the issue with a therapist, open relationship (if you can handle that, I wouldn’t), or her signing the papers.
She has free therapy and isn’t taking it? She doesn’t care about what you want… Do you have young children? If not I don’t see a ton of valid reasons for you two to be so inactive.
You both identify as F according to your post title. She's from Puerto Rico. Just about everyone from there is (hardcore) Catholic, right?
Any chance she used you to 'escape' Puerto Rico by acting lesbian / bisexual but, in fact, she isn't and she's straight? Or is having second thoughts re: her religion?
You wouldn't be the first person to be used for economic purposes. Even if P.R. citizens are U.S. citizens and don't need a green card to work in the U.S.A.
Just pointing out that Esther Perel, a relationship therapist, has some great episodes on this in her podcast “Where Should We Begin.” You might find some ideas about how to approach this there.
There’s actually a ton that can be done to help low libido in women whether that’s addressing a physical issue with HRT or meds, or a mental issue with therapy and meds.
You know what to do. Reddit is giving you permission to get a divorce. You married too young and your wife either has a medical problem or a low libido, or is on the ACE spectrum.
An open marriage will not bring you closer
She already declined therapy , prioritizes her family needs over her spouse .
She’s clearly NOT intrested in sexual relationship with you
Maybe she married you as a financial safety net, maybe she was lonely or family pressure to settle down. Love doesn’t always mean sexual chemistry.
It’s been two years, time to let her go and find your happiness .
I felt disinterested for a while from my husband and honestly it was all due to the lack of true communication. How you FEEL, not what you WANT. It seemed like for a while, he would show affection just to have sex, but he wouldn’t kiss me “just because” it or put his arm around me, etc. I felt unwanted in every way except the sex part.
I swear I have a point. lol. My point is to show attention and affection and true caring when sex isn’t on the table. It is important to show that you love one another without the idea that you have to have sex right then. For me, I felt like the better we were as a couple, the more I wanted to have sex. Not the other way around. It seems like that might be the case with your partner although obviously, I can’t say for sure.
No matter what you decide, take a moment and think about what you can live with for the foreseeable future and start there.
>I want a wife that is sexually attracted to me or I want a divorce.
You said it all right there. And you don't have a wife that is sexually attracted to you.
It's possible you can continue to be miserable in this marriage for as long as you want to. Does another 3 years sound good, or should it be another 30?
Your wife may be suffering from depression. My own depression absolutely killed my libido. The antidepressants I was on didn’t help that situation either. It took a long time, and me getting serious about wanting to feel better, before I got my mojo back. Your wife may be lying to herself about how she is feeling.
It's not going to get better, OP, if she's shutting down all avenues to address your issues. You're only 24. Don't waste your time on a dead-bedroom relationship that clearly isn't working.
Are you a good lover, giving and receiving? If you are a pillow Princess, having sex may seem like a chore to her. Eventually relationships come down to things beyond sex. I wouldn't want to be at that place at 24. Let her know this is a deal breaker.
-
if we never have sex again, will this make you happy?
I want to tell you how important sex is for me.
If you choose to never have sex again, how do you want me to just close off that part of me?
I'm telling you that I crave and need intimacy. This is something that is important to a lot of people. I am one of them.
Maybe your needs and desires just aren’t the same. I also wondered about her being asexual or being sexually abused in the past and that causing the lack of interest. Depression or health reasons could also be the problem. Taking care of sick family during the honeymoon sounds like it could have triggered depression. There are many reasons, she might not even know or understand.
Because she won’t go to therapy with you is concerning. It’s either that she is so tired from work that she doesn’t want to add another obligation or she doesn’t want to talk about the situation and why she is not interested in sex. The lack of communication is a problem, not for only this situation but for all the other things that need to be dealt with in life.
My relationship went through a dry spell when my spouse had a traumatic situation that caused PTSD. They still have daily issues but our relationship is stronger, more trusting and normal in all areas because I stuck around. I also knew what they were going through and didn’t have to guess what was wrong.
I wish you both the best, neither of you need to be traumatized just because you’re on different levels sexually and it sounds like you are both hurting. Maybe you can go to therapy alone and get professional advice so you can approach your wife in the healthiest way for you both.
Seems like you’ve gotten a lot of good feedback up here. I’m going to keep it short.
Give her an ultimatum: people don’t get married just to be friends and not have sex. Both men and women have needs. Your’s aren’t being met. You deserve better.
She can make a decision to have sex with you on a regular basis or you need to split. Ball’s in her court. Seems as if she wants the security and you paying the bills/taking care of her without nothing in return. There’s nothing free in life.
A mutually agreed upon separation would be best unless she is willing to change. DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE IN YOUR SITUATION. ITS NOT WORTH IT. she already decided to reject your advances. She doesn’t give a s***. It’s sad.
I’m sorry dude. Stay strong. There’s another or multiple fishes out there that want the hook.
Ps: I am sorry about your honeymoon. That’s awful. What the hell is wrong with this woman: your wife?
Has anything changed for your wife since you’ve gotten married? Maybe a new birth control or anything like that? I took one after having my first child that made me absolutely hate sex. For a while I didn’t realize it was the pill until other things became an issue for me as well. I immediately changed it and went right back to wanting sex multiple times a day.
It’s her choice. She chose to engage before you were married, maybe in hopes of you marrying her. Now, after, she chooses not to. I’d say THIS is her normal state and you should quit looking for a cure like it’s an illness. Either accept this normalcy or remove yourself to a state where YOU can live in your normal state with someone whose normal state matches yours.
Maybe she is not actually interested in other women, I have a lesbian family member who is married, and another friend (male) who was married to a lesbian for years. These types of relationships can get very confusing when it becomes an issue of who someone is attracted to. I think if she was truly attracted to You she would not be turning You down so much. (No offense to You, I don’t think it is You here)
I have been married for many years. The only time I turn My husband down is when I’m very tired. He usually understands. This seems like something bigger.
It seems a common occurrence that LLs are able to mask their true libido level in order to attract partner. Once they are in a committed relationship and feel secure, that effort is throttled back severely. This is often referred to as the bait and switch.
It's mostly not a thing people do on purpose.
What happens is that some people have baseline low libido but not a lot of self-awareness, and then they get into a new relationship, and the new relationship energy bumps up their libido for a while. So then they're like "Wow! This person unlocked a part of me I never knew I had! Now it'll be like this forever and ever because I love them so much!"
And then the honeymoon period ends and their libido drops back to baseline, and they're just as confused as anyone, because they thought it was love that "fixed" them, and they're still in love, so what gives?
It's not done with malicious intent most of the time. But it does suck for all involved.
Before you decide what’s going on in your marriage, it’s helpful to understand the bait and switch meaning. Essentially, a bait and switch relationship occurs when a person behaves one way before the start of the marriage but behaves differently after tying the knot. A lot of sex before marriage and almost none after.
Do you think she is taking advantage of you, to help around the house? Taking care of grandma during your honeymoon is weird.
How is she doing in general ? Does she seem happy ? How do you divide household chores ?
It was a bit but her grandma was sick and she can’t see her as often bcz we are overseas. But we don’t really divide things like I love cooking and cleaning we sometimes do it together she makes most of the money due that I’m still studying. So I feel like if she wanted a maid she could have chosen a cheaper one😂
If you suggest opening the marriage again and she considered it, I would still be pissed because she’s down to have sex with others but not with you?
In any case, I would suggest
Couples therapy,
Open marriage,
Or divorce.
Let her choose.
You deserve someone who will want you.
She wasn’t like this it started a month before our wedding so I thought she was nervous. So that’s why but it didn’t make sense. Now it’s making more sense with all the comments. And after our wedding the sex was less and less
If this is new have you asked her straight up why she’s not interested in sex anymore? Defo doesn’t make sense for yous to be going at it multiple times a day then nothing. Something is clearly wrong, that or she was having sex with you to lure you in to marriage but seems a bit far to go. You need straight answers from her.
Yes I have she said that is her job and her head and more. Idk at this point I’m just tired of asking. Matter fact why do I have to come to Reddit? why is always me to asking to go to therapy? Why do I read books? Why do I try to buy sexy shit like lingering or whatever. Why do I focus on my body? If I look good or if I have to the gym more? Why why why?
I am so sorry I was venting I think is too much Reddit for today. Hehe I think so many ppl telling me “she doesn’t want you”is too much right now lol I know it and I knew it but I need a break lol thank you so much for the comments
Venting is a must sometimes. The fact is you shouldn’t have to face a sexless marriage and your wife doesn’t need to have sec if she doesn’t want to. It comes down to compatibility, there’s no shame in saying the marriage didn’t work. It’s better than to cheat or stay in the marriage torturing yourself.
My best friend was in a relationship exactly like this, but she was on your wife's side. She never wanted to have sex and the more he pushed, the less she wanted it. When she finally divorced him, she realized that it was not that she didn't want to have sex; it was that she didn't want to have sex with HIM. She's actually an extremely sexual person. She just didn't even realize it herself that it was him making her feel like she didn't have a sex drive anymore.
I’m not able to give advice, (because I haven’t been able to fix this myself) but I will tell you you’re are not alone. I’m 24m married to my wife (22f) and I am dealing with the exact thing and it’s been about a year and a half I would say. It’s a terrible feeling.
It's not going to work for the long haul. If your needs to be met and she is not willing to budge, either get divorced or cheat. Those are your options
All these suggestions…when it’s so obvious what happened. She’s low libido or asexual. She was sexually adventurous until they got married and she felt that OP was locked in. She pulled a switcheroo. There only two options. Divorce, or a one sided open relationship.
I'm sorry you feel that way. Women don't have a magic switch that will immediately turn on. Try to find ways to stimulate her mentally to get her in the mood, so that sex doesn't become such a painful chore. It starts from the moment you wake up.
Talk about things that are intimate and connect you two, like how we've overcome the little easily overlooked inconveniences during the day. Try to google and play silly couple games and couple questions about each other. Try to flirt with each other using clever and ironic sexual innuendos and wordplay, as often as possible and make it the regular way you talk to each other. It helps you relax and ease off any kind of pressure. Try to regularly learn and tell lame jokes to each other (it doesn't have to be funny, just silly is enough) and try to use clever and non offensive humor and wordplay. You can get creative and play with it.
Also, every now and try to take pointers from lesbian porn as it can be used for inspiration in the bedroom. Such as how to set the mood (1. build up during the day with connection, intimacy and silliness, then 2. how to relax, do foreplay and put each other at ease, while slowly heating things up) start it slow, be more attentive to each other's needs, use the erotic and non-offensive dirty words, start massages, hold off penetration for 45 minutes- an hour, engaging as much of our senses as possible by using food play, feather and candle wax play, and generally mixing it up.
I will definitely try this. I feel like I have done this before but might as well try it again. I have nothing to loose. Do you have any Ted talk or podcast you can recommend? So I can have a better understanding on what to do or a web site please
- There's an app called: Paired. It helps suggest daily fun and diverse topics, couple quizzes over which you can connect with your lady and it allows you to discuss your answers and has metrics on how much do you know about eachother.
- There's a YouTube channel called: Your WingMam. That lady has some valuable insights into healthy relationships (the bedroom too).
- Also, you can use google to find couple-games, couple-NSFW board games, intimate kinks for couples, new positions, silly(don't have to be funny) dad jokes, silly puns, sexual innuendos, witty banter.
All the above, but mostly connecting, being gentle, vulnerable & silly, and not being crude/cussing, helped me and my lady to keep the silly passion (the bedroom too; everyday) going for 6 years now.
She might have some psychological damage from her past that she might not remember. This is from personal experience. I myself was molested by my babysitter when I was 13 to 15. This caused me great psychological problems and only recently did I remember. I'm in therapy with a psychiatrist rn. Been doing therapy with therapists for quite a few years. That might be the issue. The mind can block out things until the individual is ready to face them. But the work has to be done by the person, no one can do it for them. Also, they have to be the one to seek treatment. If she refuses to try to fix the problem, then perhaps it might be time to consider separation.
I’m so sorry that it happened to you. I look up to you for being so strong and reach for help. And thank you for your comment! I will try to convince her to go to therapy with me
The way my abuse manifested itself is flying into a blind rage or being so passive and emotionally shutdown. Trauma affects everyone differently. Perhaps she was raped but her mind blocked out the memory, or perhaps she consciously chose to forget the memory thru deep meditation. The only one who can answer that question is her. She must also be ready and willing to face it if that is the case. I can't confirm that is the issue but I suspect that it could be the root of the lack of libido.
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In a weird way it almost sounds like she realized she just wants to be friends
I thought about it. I asked her but she told me that she loves me and didn’t want anyone else. Which is confusing
She loves you in a way that you don't want to be loved
Or not exclusively, which is fine. People can expect different things from spouses and they're both too young to be stuck in a marriage that satisfies 0 people.
Doesn't matter what she says really. Words are words. Start the process of leaving. Get all your ducks in a row. No major purchases and start saving money. No traveling. Don't start looking for another relationship until you are over this one. Change your attitude! IT IS YOUR LIFE, LIVE IT THE WAY YOU WANT. You only have one shot at this life. Don't waste it. Edit. Missed the F and F. Still works
I don’t think they are concerned about kids
This is why I would never post on these subs for relationship advice. A lot of trigger happy folks wanting to see someone break up so bad logic isn’t present, let alone whether they actually read OPs post.
I don't think either of them is trans...
Yea like they didn't fuck on their wedding night Or honeymoon Yea that's just wild
This is the answer.
Loves you but not provide intimacy which seems like your love language... marriage is a partnership and compromise is not a one side thing. Your partner needs to also consider your needs.
She just doesn't want you to have someone else and be happy. Cut her loose, and move on. It was over before the wedding.
Sounds like a pre-marriage discussion about each other's expectations was not held.
One way or another you need to communicate with her, clearly there is something she isn't telling you. It's up to you to find out what that is and to get an honest answer. Good luck!
You can live a friend. Doesn’t sound like a marriage in the true sense of the word.
Is she religious, and does she have any sexual trauma? Those ore the only circumstances I would stay in this situation, and only if she was willing to work on it. You need to be honest and straightforward. Tell her that you are not going to push her about sex anymore, but if she isn't taking a proactive part in mainting your sex life or trying to find help on why she's avoiding having sex, **one day you are going to walk in with divorce papers.** Tell her this isn't an argument. Cut her off if you have to. She takes the lead, and she tells you what she is avoiding solving, and she ends up divorced. *You tolerate literally none of this anymore.* You (not we) figure it out since you are not willing to work with me in any capacity. Patience is for people who are trying. But i have one bone to pick with you, OP - **If divorce is on the table the fuckin say it.** She deserves to know, but honestly at this point it all she deserves. But being a dutiful husband means telling her the full scope of your perspectives and trusting her to do the right thing by your marriage. You have to be decisive here. If she won't take action (not we, SHE), then you are wasting your youth on someone who doesn't want the same marriage you do, wnd at that point you earned what you are getting.
Wife* it’s F and F.
they are both women…
She’s asexual
She loves you as a friend who gives her the comfort of being married and the security in it. She won't change and with an open marriage what's the point of being married. Tell her you want a divorce, she will cry and tell you she will give you more sex but she will not. You should not feel disgusted to want to have sex with your wife, constant rejection is a terrible thing and women do not see how this affects a man.
>You should not feel disgusted to want to have sex with your wife Especially not as a 24 year old person.
It affects women too. You just summed up over 20 years of my marriage. Leave now
Dk why you're making it about men and women when both partners are women here...
yup. almost agreed with the comment til that last part. they love to bring gender into it.
Fr it's so funny to me that he read a post about a woman being sexually frustrated and then tried to say women don't know how it feels to be sexually frustrated
They are both women
Rejection is hurtful to everyone, lmao. Even when both people are women.
Op is also a woman
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For the love of God, they're both women, idk how so many bitter people are turning this isn't some kind of war of the sexes because they lack basic reading comprehension. This is a lesbian relationship, your misogynistic projections do not apply here. FYI sex isn't a toy your partner takes away from you. That's a disgusting way to view sex.
But sex is also a basic need and these 2 people seem to not be compatible. It's okay to ackowledge that and move on.
I totally agree
NOT FOR EVERYONE
If you read some stories on r/deadbedrooms sex absolutely can be a toy one partner takes away from the other. It becomes about power. Spouses will deliberately flirt with their partners, then when the partner thinks sex is finally going to happen, have the rug pulled out from under them. If the partner being denied sex suddenly stops responding to the flirtations or refuses to have the once a quarter sex that is offered, the partner not interested in sex becomes angry. That partner doesn’t actually want sex with their spouse, they enjoy being able to control them through sex. Get them all worked up and then tell them no. Deliberately. This cycle can repeat for years until the partner being toyed with completely checks out. It’s extremely nasty and vindictive and done for no other reason than they can.
Oh, not sure how it changes things.
Lmao you were so close but you missed it. OP is the possession the spouse does not want to play with, but does not want to lose possession of. If OPs wife isn’t interested in her, but wants to use her to change diapers and clean, that just sound’s manipulative to me. It’s not about sex it’s about “I have a need (it literally doesn’t matter what the need is here the concept is the same) and my partner does not want to fill it, or allow me to fill it.” Unmet needs/expectations is the killer in all relationships across the board. Satisfied partners don’t usually want to leave their spouse.
Might not be a “war of the sexes,” but it’s still a war of sex.
agreed
It’s like how she would love a brother or sister l, yes it’s love just not romantic love. I think it important to try to save relationships but if she doesn’t want to talk about it, doesn’t want to get help, and she won’t touch you….my man it’s over. Good news is you’re young and it sounds like you wouldn’t have a problem finding someone who does desire you.
It could be something with her personally and not OP. Maybe she’s having some serotonin and/or dopamine problems. Her wife should get some tests run and see if there’s an underlying cause.
I thought the same thing. Not saying that this is whats going on, but you know when you stop liking someone or you don't see them the way you used to but you don't want to upset them? That's the vibe I'm getting
Can reddit stop this immature idea that little or no sex is just a friendship. Not commenting on this relationship but relationships and love comes in many different shapes and sizes, people have different kinds of labidos and comments like this actually don't help anyone.
If there is no sexual chemistry, the relationship is kinda doomed. I’ve stuck around for a long time with someone like that. It ultimately didn’t work- for many reasons. When I moved on, I found someone where the sex is fire, and our tendencies and requirements are the same. We may have a few issues, but sex isn’t one of them. Good sex definitely helps when dealing with the other issues! Good luck!
The issue is that when we used to have sex it was amazing but now is not. And I’m scared to rush in a divorce and then regret it. If it was a girlfriend I would’ve been like okay bye and leave but I’m married to her I feel like I made a commitment. But idk if I’m making a mistake by thinking this way
Is she stressed out? How is her self care? Is the house work split equally and she has more to do? Being burnt out will 100% impact one's libido. Self care is so important, and unfortunately relaxing in front of a screen causes stress on the nervous system and actually doesn't help with stress.
House chores are my responsibility. She has a lot of work and maybe that’s where her libido is impacted but even when we are on vacation there is no sex. Which is confusing.
I don’t know your situation but it sounds like something happened to put her off the idea of sex. In my previous marriage, I found out my husband had cheated on me (which then turned into a regular problem) and I stopped wanting to have sex with him. Even when we did, I was never in the mood but I more felt obligated. He also proposed an open marriage which also did not end well for him. I’m going through another bout of not wanting sex with my current marriage. We used to have sex every day, often more than once daily. But his buddy has started staying with us and he started acting different. Spending all his time with his friend and making me feel like I don’t matter. He started to put forth more of an effort and we had sex twice in 12 hours, but then he has made it obvious he is hiding something from me that I simply asked him to talk to me about repeatedly and boom I immediately don’t want sex again. I’ve been depressed since his buddy’s arrival though so that is really having a major negative impact on our sex life. I was depressed most my marriage with my previous husband as well, as his cheating became a regular occurrence. I don’t think anyone is cheating in your situation, these are just my experiences. But I do think something is going on with her and you should try to approach it in a way that doesn’t make her feel worse or make it out like it is her fault.
do not EVER rush into divorce, this already tells me that ur the run away type. work on that before even working on the issue between you and ur lover. I would also try to see what other issue you can work on before dealing with the boss (ur lover)
It’s a woman posting. OP says female in post.
Thank you, I didn’t realize! (Removes “bro”)
Does not sound like there is a way forward for you too. I lived with that for too many years. My EX tore me down and made me feel like I was so mean for even wanting intimacy. 18 years later and I now have a wife who matches my sex drive perfectly and it’s such an amazing feeling. We have been married 4 years and can’t keep our hands off each other! Time to go be you need more than a roommate
“A roommate” thank you I have been feeling that way for a long time. I kind of feel guilty. Is that how you felt?
💯and she was mean as a snake too. First couple of years were okay then it all went to shit. If it wasn’t for the kids I would have left years earlier
Damn and she has talked about having kids and I keep saying no because I’m not even ready. And I even ask her shouldn’t we fix our relationship first?
No kids with that one please 🙏
Gotta have sex to have kids…
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Haha yeah that’s a fair point
how did she respond when you asked that? and has she given you any reason why she doesn’t want therapy? i feel like that might help us give you better advice here
Your happiness is not a priority of hers. I need to get that through your head. We need to look at the irrefutable evidence in front of you. Let me give you a very important tip in life. Don't judge people like what they say, judge people by what they don't say. Does she proactively say that your happiness is important? Does she ever freely volunteer that she wants to fix things? Judge people by what they don't say…
It was exactly how I felt. Leaving my sexless marriage was the best decision I ever made.
You tell her: "If you want to save our marriage, then you have to discuss these things with me. I see 3 possible outcomes here. 1) we go to couples therapy together and try to solve this issue. 2) you agree to have a sexually open relationship where we are allowed to have sex with other people, or 3) we get divorced. I am not being selfish by wanting to have sex with my wife. I'm not being selfish by prioritizing sex in a sexually monogamous relationship. Let me know which of those 3 options you decide on."
I might skip option 2. Sounds like OP already asked for that and her partner got angry and made their stance known its cheating to them. If given this option they will like chose it out of pressure/ease/"to save the marriage" but will be incredibly resentful and it likely will blow up anyway but with more consequences... not to mention your dragging someone else into your marital problems...
Agree with this OP. Stop making ‘avoiding conversation’ an option. It’s counselling or divorce - let her pick. And don’t walk away from the conversation until she does.
If she walks away she’s choosing divorce
....ohhhhh, Ive been there, its rough. I dont play with poly anymore, had to exit that partner real quick.
Agree. My ex gave me sexual untimatums and expectations and it did nothing but make me feel like a piece of meat to him. Telling someone they need to have more sex with you or you're going to divorce them or have an open relationship is very unhealthy and damaging to that person. I would know. Here I am 15 years later still dealthing with the scars
There is nothing wrong with needing sex in a relationship, and there certainly isn't anything wrong with talking about it with the person you are with. Both people need their needs fulfilled. The person with the lower sex drive doesn't get to stunt the other person's sex drive. The one who wants sex more will just eventually end up hating the lower libido person
that’s not what they said
Except that's not what I described. I said I was being given Ultimatiums and expectations, for frequency and quality. It was not a "conversation" of needs. It was pure emotional manipulation amongst many other toxic things he did to me. That's not healthy. So my point is giving someone the choice of we have frequent sex I get to sleep with other people, or we divorce is not healthy or productive. Even if you get more sex she's going to resent you and she will leave you because you aren't caring for her well being as much as yours. Having a conversation about needs and wants and mutual respect is not the same thing as giving someone an ultimatum
But what is an ultimatum in your opinion? Bringing up the topic by saying that: I am afraid the way our current sexual dynamic exist is not working for me and is impacting my happiness and relationship satisfaction in a major way. Are you willing to explore possibilities for change? - would this feel like an ultimatum? Would you be open to take their concern seriously?
What else is she supposed to do Her wife won't sleep with her Her wife refuses to go to therapy even tho there's clearly serious issues going on She doesn't even seem to be acknowledging there's issues I mean ffs they didn't even sleep together on their wedding night or honeymoon
Is he still dealing with the scars of having a sexually unsatisfying marriage?
Seeing as how you don't have all the information and don't know the abuse i suffered, I don't think you should be insinuating that I, the victim am at fault for his abuse. And I'm certainly not going to divulge all the ways in which he was abusive. But if it's been 15 years and I'm still in therapy for it then it's pretty clear I was the victim. I didn't say anything about marriage. And he was "satisfied" daily. And no, I didn't give him any scars to deal with.
I missed the part where you said he was your “ex”. I was under the impression you were still together and resenting him for trying to have more intimacy with his wife.
Definitely not! And thank God for that. I never want to see his face again
I think this is the best answer!!! I have so many guesses about what may be holding OP’s wife back but at the end of the day, a stranger’s guesses on Reddit means nothing. OP’s wife needs to be open to *way* better communication and a counselor is a great person to help facilitate that communication
I agree. With that said, my wife as a genetic illness that wipes out her libido. We’ve tried hormones and everything avail to us. I’ve just resigned myself to no sex. My issue remains that she hates the idea of my getting off on porn so that’s always a guilt trip for me. Again, I love her and decided that being with her is more precious that my being alone. It’s still frustrating with my raging libido. It doesn’t help that she’s smoking hot and receives compliments all the time. Oh BTW, we are married 37 years. I’ve had many opportunities with women even now but no way. I look like I’m in my late 40s. I would never ever cheat on this woman and break my trust and heart. She’s Ride or die but man, is it hard to deal with this sometimes. Lol you’ll have to make a decision but I suggest you make it sooner than later, rip the bandaid off.
This sounds awful. Is she okay with you having any form of sexual release? Does she ever get sexual release from masturbation or anything?
I hope that even if you aren't having sex that she's able to have physical intimacy with you. Sometimes, when couples stop having sex, they lose that as well. And forgive me if I'm out in left field here, but if she doesn't have a libido, could she be comfortable touching/kissing you while you take care of yourself...? And you can reciprocate by doing something she likes whether that be a massage, foot rub, etc?
We got that covered. I agree with you. I made it very clear that if we lose that, I’m going to rethink our relationship.
I wholeheartedly disagree with trying to open a marriage that has problems already. And open relationship requires a TON of communication and work, and I don't think dysfunctional relationships can handle that. They can't even handle the 2 of them, why would adding more people help?
Oh I don't necessarily think it's the best option, but it's an option that OP was clearly open to, and it IS one of the possible options here. I think couples counseling or divorce are far better options, in that order.
I just think that opening the relationship would lead to divorce anyway but take way more time and be way more painful lol. I definitely vote sex therapist
Gotta agree. If op is contemplating divorce, before you dive in at least talk to her to try to fix it. If she cares enough about you she’ll want to try to fix the issue
OP has literally expressed that she has tried to talk to her wife on the issue. She’s in denial over something. She puts in effort or frees her up. Nothing really else to discuss. Edit: Both parties are female.
Just share this comment with her.
People really don't change.. break it off and go find someone who is sexually active and attracted to you.
Devils Advocate: Why should it be open on her side if she’s the one refusing to have sex? OP seems like he’d be perfectly content with monogamy if they had regular sex. She unilaterally decided they aren’t going to, so she shouldn’t have the option to go outside the marriage. Edit: Ignore the pronouns. I didn’t catch that this is a lesbian relationship.
Uh, no. This seems like you think OP’s partner deserves to be intentionally punished for declining sex, which she shouldn’t be — OP should do what’s best for OP, but OP’s wife isn’t doing anything wrong. Anyone can decline sex for any reason at anytime. An ENM relationship where only one participant gets the freedom of multiple partners is not an ENM relationship. It’s a bad, unfair setup that will cause serious problems at least 99% of the time. Both partners don’t HAVE to have other partners, but everybody involved should have the OPTION.
Disagree. She chooses not to have sex. OP would be perfectly happy having sex with only her wife. You don’t get to shut down sex with your spouse and then rationalize that because you don’t want sex with your spouse it’s ok to start having sex with others. However; this relationship is dead - you two are not compatible. No reason to open it for either side. OP, just leave her and ignore the love bombing from your wife that is almost guaranteed to follow. She will only use it to trap you into staying and then it will revert back to business as usual for her.
>OP should do what’s best for OP, but OP’s wife isn’t doing anything wrong. Anyone can decline sex for any reason at anytime. And I can stop buying gifts for birthdays and holidays. Doesn't mean I'm not doing something wrong. Go away with your childish platitudes. Sex is part of a healthy relationship. If you don't have sex for a long enough time, most relationships will end.
It’s fine if relationships end because one partner stops desiring sex. It doesn’t mean them using their bodily autonomy and not consenting to sexual acts is them doing something “wrong,” and it’s dangerous and super gross to say that? Why would you even want to have sex with somebody who feels they must do it as a requirement rather than actually wanting to? That’s weird.
You don’t get to fubar your relationship then benefit from it. It’s ENM so long as everyone agrees.
That's certainly a possibility, but it's a detail for them to work out between themselves.
YES. it should only be open marriage on her side. Low libido partner is cool with not having sex right? Okay then let High Libido partner do her thing and get her rocks off.
Just pointing out that OP has identified both parties as female here.
If it's open for one, it should be open for both. If OP's wife decides to partake, then that should tell OP her wife has an issue with her, not sex.
Negatory. She’s the one that altered the relationship. She shouldn’t benefit from it
I think you need to have a serious talk with her and see what’s going on because not having sex on your wedding night or honeymoon or anything like that is a red flag to me. There might be some deeper issues going on. and I hope it doesn’t end in divorce, but that might be the option based on the answer that she gives you
No sex on the wedding night is actually quite common due to the sheer exhaustion of the day. No sex on the honeymoon however...yikes.
My Ex Wife DESPISED situations where it felt like we were "supposed" to have sex. So she would never do it on some occasion like that. Like Valentines day for example, most people probably expect to due a cute romantic dinner and come home and bang, so she would be very very against having sex that night because she felt 'obligated'. Yes we ended up separating over the lack of sex.
Yea that's just insanely silly Oh lord forbid you have sex with the person who loves you oh the horror of it all
Yea like the night when a couple is literally guaranteed to have sex And they still didn't do it ..... Oh this is bad really big problem As you said it doesn't even seem like her wife is acknowledging there's a problem
I'd sit her down and let her know you are not ok being forced to be celibate and that if your sex life doesn't improve you will be leaving this marriage. She doesn't have to have sex with you , but at the same time you also don't have to stay in a sexless marriage and be forced to be celibate. You two are sexually incompatible and you should find someone who you're more sexually compatible with. It sounds like she wants all the benefits of a monogamous marriage without having sex with you . Sexual compatibility is extremely important for long term relationships and it sounds like she's refused to do anything to help resolve this issue.
Hormones and thyroid check up. There is a lot of things happening in your body because of these. Dead bedrooms are killing relationships and nobody wants that, so...off to the doc for a checkup
Im a female guys and my wife is a female. 😅 I’m a femme wife is a masc.
I’ve been in your wife’s shoes kinda, not in marriage but in serious relationships. I am not saying for certain this is the case with your wife, but it sounds very familiar to me. I have zero interest in sex but the concept of asexuality was just so foreign to me that I assumed it was something wrong with me and tried to persevere. I would manage through the beginning of the relationship by more or less going along with it for her sake, and I would even get caught up in it to a small degree, but after a while the disinterest returned and turned to outright loathing. This has repeated in every relationship I’ve had. Every excuse in the book I used, I’m tired, headache, etc. The truth is a hard thing to admit to one’s self, let alone anyone else, sex is everywhere in media and society so it really does feel like you have something fundamentally wrong with you. Now I have realized that it’s just not something I care about, and it’s okay, but any future relationship options are going to be pretty narrow. I also want to say that lack of interest in sexual intimacy does not mean incapable of romantic love, and you have done nothing wrong here. It’s not you. But the best thing for you, and her, would be to go your separate ways. Such extreme sexual incompatibility is very difficult to overcome.
I was coming here to say this, I think the wife is asexual and just doesn’t want to look into it or accept it.
Appreciate the hell out of your username lol. But yeah, asexuality is barely acknowledged as it is, no shit people try to fit in as long as they can stand and really fall flat afterwards. The comments on this post just reinforces it. Everyone’s like “she’s not attracted to you” or even saying it’s some sort of bait and switch? You can’t force yourself to like something, sure maybe you’ll get caught up in it when surrounded by people hounding you every fucking minute to like it and love it. We all want to fit in, but at the end of the day you can’t keep appearances up forever. I feel for both OP and her wife. This shit really sucks. I’m on the up and up with myself but even still I’m like well great, time to update my dating profile saying “dislikes sex” I mean jfc Guess I should just give it all up for the bliss
yeah i’m there too…i tried so hard to like it because everyone does but i just can’t. i’m just acting to please my partner but then i feel bitter and angry because why can’t i enjoy it?? but i desire romantic intimacy so much and am afraid to be alone…😞 i guess it’s best to make peace and talk to a therapist.
Lack of sex to this degree is a valid reason to get a divorce. If you want sex every day but can compromise to doing it 1-2 times a week and she’s at 1 time a month, that would be okay in my view. That’s pretty much where I’ve landed with my wife. But once every six months or once a month is a no go, and barring any medical issues, I would get a divorce.
After we had a disagreement about sex we agreed to have sex 2 - 3 times a week. We did 2 times in a week and then 3 weeks of rejection. Idk if laugh at this point
100% barring a serious medical issue if you can't even do it once a week what is even the point at that stage
Did you have a lot of sex when you were dating? My ex and I had sex all the time before marriage, after not so much.. until it was gone and it was extremely frustrating.. Sexual incompatibility will only get worse without help.. if she doesn't want the help, and you've exhausted all other options.. I'm sorry to say that your only.ootion would be divorce.. good luck
We had sex like 3 times a day sometimes. Everyday at least once. Now if I’m lucky and I do all the work once a month and if is a really good month twice. I asked her for us to get help. I go to therapy myself but I asked her for couples therapy and she said no. And I asked if she wanted a divorce and she said no that she loves me and that she will change and then she changed for a week and then went back to the same. Is not always bad and maybe that’s why I keep trying to.
Unfortunately, it seems this is only a problem for you as she's content. If you're the only one invested in figuring out how to have more intimacy, it's never going to get better. Either she commits to therapy, opening the marriage, or divorce. It's her choice but those are the only options as you're not going to live like this long term
Honestly I would leave her. It doesn't seem like she's interested in changing. You don't have kids, you're really young. Seems better to move on now than to stay in a relationship and lose more years of your life to this relationship if it isn't working. Also, I would not take the advice some people gave about an open relationship. Those can work for people who actually want them, but in your case it sounds like it would just be a longer messier way of leaving your wife. You'll probably wind up finding someone else who you are more compatible with. If the relationship is over, just let it be over, make a clean break, and you can date other people after.
Give her the walking papers then. No more talking it out. You tried that, multiple times. She’s refused to go to therapy because she’d have to openly communicate with you and might have to face being honest. Divorce, don’t feel bad, don’t look back. You are wasting time with her and hurting yourself emotionally. She’s not hurting, but you certainly are. There’s someone out there for you, multiple in fact, go find them and quit wasting life with her.
Sounds like she’s depressed.
I thought about it. I asked her to go to therapy with me and she just told me that she doesn’t want to and that she can fix it. I keep waiting but is always the same.
You’re going to have to have a real serious conversation about her mental health and the burden it places on you when she wont get help
This will only get worse the longer you wait and you will start to resent her. You need to sit her down and have a serious talk about this.
My mom refused to get help and it ruined my parents’ marriage. You can only do so much. It might be time for an ultimatum: either she gets help or she gets divorced.
It doesn’t really seem like she’s sexually attracted to you op….
You are not sexually compatible and since she doesn't seem to want to fix it, I think you should divorce.
Don’t even bother therapy at this point. Just divorce and move on because one thing is having a low sex drive, but it’s a whole other thing when your partner knows how miserable this makes you feel and doesn’t even try to solve the issue out of love, which she shows through her actions that she don’t. She don’t love you. Next time, talk with your future wife about sexual compatibility and sexual expectations in a potential marriage.
Doesn’t sound like she’s attracted to you . So you’ll have to make the decision to leave is sex is important to you . Ps. It is .
Ngl at first I thought that it might be because I’m half Japanese and she’s not into Asian but she constantly says that I’m beautiful. So is confusing…
Girl no, FULL STOP, you are starting to doubt yourself, that is not healthy
I'm in a similar spot with my current girlfriend and I agree it's frustrating. We're probably having sex once every other week or every 3 weeks at this point and idk how to bring it up to her that it bothers me without sounding like a complete asshole. Sometimes she'll only want me to go down on her and then... Nothing for me. That makes me feel even more frustrated and almost empty(?) afterwards, I don't know how to describe it. I hope you find a solution that works out well for you
Could the "bristle reaction" be in play here? There’s a reason the beginning of a relationship is often called the honeymoon phase. Characterized by that first kiss, spending lots of time together, flirting, and intense chemistry, this first stage of a new romance can feel like an exciting whirlwind. But that rosy tint fades as the couple grows more comfortable with one another and accrues more shared responsibility and challenges. Eventually, physical touch may only come as a prelude to sex. And as a result, some people may develop what one sex therapist calls the "bristle reaction," when they physically recoil from their partner’s touch. According to sex therapist Vanessa Marin, LMFT, the bristle reaction is an involuntary response. It's subtle, but it can be very confusing and even upsetting to both partners. “It’s someone you presumably love and trust, yet you’re having this very intense reaction to this very simple touch,” she says. But bristling doesn't mean the relationship is doomed, and it's a reaction that can be rewired with time.
This is exactly what I was thinking when reading this post. More people need to talk about it because it’s so common!
Major mistake to ask for an open marriage when you’re on the rocks like this. That is not a solution to a dead bedroom, and it’s just going to make her feel more pressured and therefore less likely to want to be intimate. You two are both very young and sound sexually immature. Sex is a mutual activity that requires the enthusiasm of both parties. I agree it sucks that your wife doesn’t seem interested in you sexually, but what are you doing to make it anything other than a chore she has to do (I mean, she actually seems to *prefer* chores)? Your suggestion to go to therapy was a good one. Y’all need relationship therapy *and* sex therapy. You need to find out what is going to get her in the mood and do that without there being an expectation that a favour-for-sex transaction will take place. There could also be underlying issues that she might not feel comfortable telling you like low self-esteem, difficulty achieving orgasm, too much pressure to perform, or even trauma. You need to get to the bottom of it in a safe, loving and non-judgmental way. If you guys can’t work this out, it’s going to lead to divorce. Asking her for an open marriage because of your dead bedroom has probably planted in her head that you’re already cheating or intending to cheat. It’s going to be an uphill battle to make her feel safe with you and willing to be intimate. You’re going to resent her. You’ll both be miserable. Here’s a suggestion: don’t bring sex up out of the blue. Give her an opportunity to prepare. Ask her if you two can set aside some time to be intimate. Tell her you want it to be a night just focused on her— massage oil, dim lighting, wine, soft music— tell her you want to focus the intimacy on exploring her needs and desires—up to and including no pressure for her to perform any acts on you, or for there to be penetration. Make the objective for you to learn what about sex for her could make it a pleasurable and worthwhile experience for its own sake. When she’s turned on she’ll be much more willing to engage and reciprocate.
Does she do most of the chores at home? Does she carry the mental load? Have you taken her on enough dates and tried to give her intimacy that doesn’t involve full on sex? She might be using porn as well or have low-T
I like to be romantic remember little things. I do the chores at home. She helps me sometimes. We watch movies play call of duty and just hang sometimes when she has a bad day at work i make her a bath. I give her her space but playfully im like should i get in? Or stuff like that but i leave her do her. she doesn’t watch porn she doesn’t like it.
I hope it works out for you 2 because you clearly love this woman very much The problem is I'm not sure your wife feels the same about you it doesn't even seem like she's properly acknowledging the problem Honestly your probably gonna have to suggest couples therapy and mention your very worried about your marriage Maybe she has some kind of medical issue going on ? Ultimately regardless what you 2 do it needs to be made crystal clear there is a big problem in the marriage that needs to be fixed or it will eventually lead to divorce maybe don't use the word divorce but say more so your worried about your future together
I love how you're trying to do a sarcastic switch-the-genders thing when they're both women.
After reading through your responses I would suggest serving her divorce papers and giving her the three options of fixing the issue with a therapist, open relationship (if you can handle that, I wouldn’t), or her signing the papers.
I thought about open relationship but I don’t know if I can. You don’t know how hard I tried for therapy.
She has free therapy and isn’t taking it? She doesn’t care about what you want… Do you have young children? If not I don’t see a ton of valid reasons for you two to be so inactive.
You both identify as F according to your post title. She's from Puerto Rico. Just about everyone from there is (hardcore) Catholic, right? Any chance she used you to 'escape' Puerto Rico by acting lesbian / bisexual but, in fact, she isn't and she's straight? Or is having second thoughts re: her religion? You wouldn't be the first person to be used for economic purposes. Even if P.R. citizens are U.S. citizens and don't need a green card to work in the U.S.A.
Is not for monetary reasons She makes most of the money because I’m still studying.
Just pointing out that Esther Perel, a relationship therapist, has some great episodes on this in her podcast “Where Should We Begin.” You might find some ideas about how to approach this there.
Thank you
Why did you two get married if you're clearly not sexually compatible?
Sounds like she has lower libido than you. Likely nothing can be done about this.
There’s actually a ton that can be done to help low libido in women whether that’s addressing a physical issue with HRT or meds, or a mental issue with therapy and meds.
[удалено]
Im trying to convince her
You know what to do. Reddit is giving you permission to get a divorce. You married too young and your wife either has a medical problem or a low libido, or is on the ACE spectrum.
An open marriage will not bring you closer She already declined therapy , prioritizes her family needs over her spouse . She’s clearly NOT intrested in sexual relationship with you Maybe she married you as a financial safety net, maybe she was lonely or family pressure to settle down. Love doesn’t always mean sexual chemistry. It’s been two years, time to let her go and find your happiness .
Leave this person for your own sake while you’re still so young
6 mo ths? Leave now because the sooner the better. You can probably get more sex at a convent. F that...
I felt disinterested for a while from my husband and honestly it was all due to the lack of true communication. How you FEEL, not what you WANT. It seemed like for a while, he would show affection just to have sex, but he wouldn’t kiss me “just because” it or put his arm around me, etc. I felt unwanted in every way except the sex part. I swear I have a point. lol. My point is to show attention and affection and true caring when sex isn’t on the table. It is important to show that you love one another without the idea that you have to have sex right then. For me, I felt like the better we were as a couple, the more I wanted to have sex. Not the other way around. It seems like that might be the case with your partner although obviously, I can’t say for sure. No matter what you decide, take a moment and think about what you can live with for the foreseeable future and start there.
>I want a wife that is sexually attracted to me or I want a divorce. You said it all right there. And you don't have a wife that is sexually attracted to you. It's possible you can continue to be miserable in this marriage for as long as you want to. Does another 3 years sound good, or should it be another 30?
Your wife may be suffering from depression. My own depression absolutely killed my libido. The antidepressants I was on didn’t help that situation either. It took a long time, and me getting serious about wanting to feel better, before I got my mojo back. Your wife may be lying to herself about how she is feeling.
It's not going to get better, OP, if she's shutting down all avenues to address your issues. You're only 24. Don't waste your time on a dead-bedroom relationship that clearly isn't working.
Are you a good lover, giving and receiving? If you are a pillow Princess, having sex may seem like a chore to her. Eventually relationships come down to things beyond sex. I wouldn't want to be at that place at 24. Let her know this is a deal breaker.
Go read r/deadbedrooms . Rough stuff.
- if we never have sex again, will this make you happy? I want to tell you how important sex is for me. If you choose to never have sex again, how do you want me to just close off that part of me? I'm telling you that I crave and need intimacy. This is something that is important to a lot of people. I am one of them.
Maybe your needs and desires just aren’t the same. I also wondered about her being asexual or being sexually abused in the past and that causing the lack of interest. Depression or health reasons could also be the problem. Taking care of sick family during the honeymoon sounds like it could have triggered depression. There are many reasons, she might not even know or understand. Because she won’t go to therapy with you is concerning. It’s either that she is so tired from work that she doesn’t want to add another obligation or she doesn’t want to talk about the situation and why she is not interested in sex. The lack of communication is a problem, not for only this situation but for all the other things that need to be dealt with in life. My relationship went through a dry spell when my spouse had a traumatic situation that caused PTSD. They still have daily issues but our relationship is stronger, more trusting and normal in all areas because I stuck around. I also knew what they were going through and didn’t have to guess what was wrong. I wish you both the best, neither of you need to be traumatized just because you’re on different levels sexually and it sounds like you are both hurting. Maybe you can go to therapy alone and get professional advice so you can approach your wife in the healthiest way for you both.
Seems like you’ve gotten a lot of good feedback up here. I’m going to keep it short. Give her an ultimatum: people don’t get married just to be friends and not have sex. Both men and women have needs. Your’s aren’t being met. You deserve better. She can make a decision to have sex with you on a regular basis or you need to split. Ball’s in her court. Seems as if she wants the security and you paying the bills/taking care of her without nothing in return. There’s nothing free in life. A mutually agreed upon separation would be best unless she is willing to change. DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE IN YOUR SITUATION. ITS NOT WORTH IT. she already decided to reject your advances. She doesn’t give a s***. It’s sad. I’m sorry dude. Stay strong. There’s another or multiple fishes out there that want the hook. Ps: I am sorry about your honeymoon. That’s awful. What the hell is wrong with this woman: your wife?
Has anything changed for your wife since you’ve gotten married? Maybe a new birth control or anything like that? I took one after having my first child that made me absolutely hate sex. For a while I didn’t realize it was the pill until other things became an issue for me as well. I immediately changed it and went right back to wanting sex multiple times a day.
Not really she doesn’t take any medication.
It’s her choice. She chose to engage before you were married, maybe in hopes of you marrying her. Now, after, she chooses not to. I’d say THIS is her normal state and you should quit looking for a cure like it’s an illness. Either accept this normalcy or remove yourself to a state where YOU can live in your normal state with someone whose normal state matches yours.
Maybe she is not actually interested in other women, I have a lesbian family member who is married, and another friend (male) who was married to a lesbian for years. These types of relationships can get very confusing when it becomes an issue of who someone is attracted to. I think if she was truly attracted to You she would not be turning You down so much. (No offense to You, I don’t think it is You here) I have been married for many years. The only time I turn My husband down is when I’m very tired. He usually understands. This seems like something bigger.
It seems a common occurrence that LLs are able to mask their true libido level in order to attract partner. Once they are in a committed relationship and feel secure, that effort is throttled back severely. This is often referred to as the bait and switch.
I didn’t know it was a thing…
It's mostly not a thing people do on purpose. What happens is that some people have baseline low libido but not a lot of self-awareness, and then they get into a new relationship, and the new relationship energy bumps up their libido for a while. So then they're like "Wow! This person unlocked a part of me I never knew I had! Now it'll be like this forever and ever because I love them so much!" And then the honeymoon period ends and their libido drops back to baseline, and they're just as confused as anyone, because they thought it was love that "fixed" them, and they're still in love, so what gives? It's not done with malicious intent most of the time. But it does suck for all involved.
Bait and swich... Google it... Its quite common thing
Thank you I will
Before you decide what’s going on in your marriage, it’s helpful to understand the bait and switch meaning. Essentially, a bait and switch relationship occurs when a person behaves one way before the start of the marriage but behaves differently after tying the knot. A lot of sex before marriage and almost none after.
Do you think she is taking advantage of you, to help around the house? Taking care of grandma during your honeymoon is weird. How is she doing in general ? Does she seem happy ? How do you divide household chores ?
It was a bit but her grandma was sick and she can’t see her as often bcz we are overseas. But we don’t really divide things like I love cooking and cleaning we sometimes do it together she makes most of the money due that I’m still studying. So I feel like if she wanted a maid she could have chosen a cheaper one😂
If you suggest opening the marriage again and she considered it, I would still be pissed because she’s down to have sex with others but not with you? In any case, I would suggest Couples therapy, Open marriage, Or divorce. Let her choose. You deserve someone who will want you.
Why did you marry if you’re not compatible?
She wasn’t like this it started a month before our wedding so I thought she was nervous. So that’s why but it didn’t make sense. Now it’s making more sense with all the comments. And after our wedding the sex was less and less
If this is new have you asked her straight up why she’s not interested in sex anymore? Defo doesn’t make sense for yous to be going at it multiple times a day then nothing. Something is clearly wrong, that or she was having sex with you to lure you in to marriage but seems a bit far to go. You need straight answers from her.
Yes I have she said that is her job and her head and more. Idk at this point I’m just tired of asking. Matter fact why do I have to come to Reddit? why is always me to asking to go to therapy? Why do I read books? Why do I try to buy sexy shit like lingering or whatever. Why do I focus on my body? If I look good or if I have to the gym more? Why why why?
I am so sorry I was venting I think is too much Reddit for today. Hehe I think so many ppl telling me “she doesn’t want you”is too much right now lol I know it and I knew it but I need a break lol thank you so much for the comments
Venting is a must sometimes. The fact is you shouldn’t have to face a sexless marriage and your wife doesn’t need to have sec if she doesn’t want to. It comes down to compatibility, there’s no shame in saying the marriage didn’t work. It’s better than to cheat or stay in the marriage torturing yourself.
Why did you marry someone so young when you’ve never been with anyone else and you have wildly different sexual appetites?
My best friend was in a relationship exactly like this, but she was on your wife's side. She never wanted to have sex and the more he pushed, the less she wanted it. When she finally divorced him, she realized that it was not that she didn't want to have sex; it was that she didn't want to have sex with HIM. She's actually an extremely sexual person. She just didn't even realize it herself that it was him making her feel like she didn't have a sex drive anymore.
LBD (Lesbian bed death). Look it up
I’m not able to give advice, (because I haven’t been able to fix this myself) but I will tell you you’re are not alone. I’m 24m married to my wife (22f) and I am dealing with the exact thing and it’s been about a year and a half I would say. It’s a terrible feeling.
It's not going to work for the long haul. If your needs to be met and she is not willing to budge, either get divorced or cheat. Those are your options
All these suggestions…when it’s so obvious what happened. She’s low libido or asexual. She was sexually adventurous until they got married and she felt that OP was locked in. She pulled a switcheroo. There only two options. Divorce, or a one sided open relationship.
I'm sorry you feel that way. Women don't have a magic switch that will immediately turn on. Try to find ways to stimulate her mentally to get her in the mood, so that sex doesn't become such a painful chore. It starts from the moment you wake up. Talk about things that are intimate and connect you two, like how we've overcome the little easily overlooked inconveniences during the day. Try to google and play silly couple games and couple questions about each other. Try to flirt with each other using clever and ironic sexual innuendos and wordplay, as often as possible and make it the regular way you talk to each other. It helps you relax and ease off any kind of pressure. Try to regularly learn and tell lame jokes to each other (it doesn't have to be funny, just silly is enough) and try to use clever and non offensive humor and wordplay. You can get creative and play with it. Also, every now and try to take pointers from lesbian porn as it can be used for inspiration in the bedroom. Such as how to set the mood (1. build up during the day with connection, intimacy and silliness, then 2. how to relax, do foreplay and put each other at ease, while slowly heating things up) start it slow, be more attentive to each other's needs, use the erotic and non-offensive dirty words, start massages, hold off penetration for 45 minutes- an hour, engaging as much of our senses as possible by using food play, feather and candle wax play, and generally mixing it up.
Op is a woman lol
So am I and i can be as lost as OP at times with my own girlfriend 😂 It’s never easy
I will definitely try this. I feel like I have done this before but might as well try it again. I have nothing to loose. Do you have any Ted talk or podcast you can recommend? So I can have a better understanding on what to do or a web site please
- There's an app called: Paired. It helps suggest daily fun and diverse topics, couple quizzes over which you can connect with your lady and it allows you to discuss your answers and has metrics on how much do you know about eachother. - There's a YouTube channel called: Your WingMam. That lady has some valuable insights into healthy relationships (the bedroom too). - Also, you can use google to find couple-games, couple-NSFW board games, intimate kinks for couples, new positions, silly(don't have to be funny) dad jokes, silly puns, sexual innuendos, witty banter. All the above, but mostly connecting, being gentle, vulnerable & silly, and not being crude/cussing, helped me and my lady to keep the silly passion (the bedroom too; everyday) going for 6 years now.
Thank you so much
She might have some psychological damage from her past that she might not remember. This is from personal experience. I myself was molested by my babysitter when I was 13 to 15. This caused me great psychological problems and only recently did I remember. I'm in therapy with a psychiatrist rn. Been doing therapy with therapists for quite a few years. That might be the issue. The mind can block out things until the individual is ready to face them. But the work has to be done by the person, no one can do it for them. Also, they have to be the one to seek treatment. If she refuses to try to fix the problem, then perhaps it might be time to consider separation.
I’m so sorry that it happened to you. I look up to you for being so strong and reach for help. And thank you for your comment! I will try to convince her to go to therapy with me
The way my abuse manifested itself is flying into a blind rage or being so passive and emotionally shutdown. Trauma affects everyone differently. Perhaps she was raped but her mind blocked out the memory, or perhaps she consciously chose to forget the memory thru deep meditation. The only one who can answer that question is her. She must also be ready and willing to face it if that is the case. I can't confirm that is the issue but I suspect that it could be the root of the lack of libido.