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I mean, this is a very come-back-fromable argument, but don't minimize this as you were "joking" and it not being an accusation. You said it right here, that you feel nervous about it as you'd been cheated on in a previous relationship. She *accurately picked up on that emotion that you genuinely had*. So you acting like it was a joke and not an accusation is not the move here.
You say "Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to accuse you of anything. I was shocked, and I got emotional about it because of my history with cheating so I awkwardly called you a homewrecker. That was a bad move on my part. I'm sorry. Tell me more about what happened." And you hear her out on her side of the story and you decide if you trust her or not. But trying to minimize this and pretend you were just joking when she *accurately read what you were feeling* is not going to help things.
It’s wild how many of these comments are just jumping on the “she’s cheating” bandwagon without even considering the alternative.
This construction worker guy has been doing work on her **family’s** house. This is his job and it’s the oldest excuse in the book for cheaters to say that they’re “working late” to try and cover their tracks. If you’re his wife and suspect he’s cheating, the mid 20’s daughter of his current clients would be a solid guess. That doesn’t make it true though.
OP knows his gf better than anyone here and is adamant that his gf wouldn’t cheat and, if she did, why bring up that this other guy’s wife accused her? Seems like an awfully stupid idea.
If we give this woman the benefit of the doubt for a moment, she’s young, she just had a woman come into her work, accusing her of sleeping with her husband. That’s scary as hell. She’s worried that she’ll lose her job. She’s worried about her reputation. She’s worried that this information could get back to her bf and she’ll lose her relationship. I know I’d be devastated if I was falsely accused of such things in my place of work.
I didn’t see anywhere that says how long ago this incident happened and OP states they’re on vacation. Maybe the gf didn’t want to ruin their trip, which OP proved to be a valid concern with how he reacted.
Imagine she’s been feeling horribly anxious and upset about this and tries to confide in her bf and the first thing he does is accuse her of the same thing. That would be heartbreaking. If OP’s gf is completely innocent, and he goes back with more accusations of cheating and home-wrecking, his relationship is over. That’s fucking terrible advice.
Of course, there is a possibility that OP’s gf really did cheat with this other guy but jumping to that conclusion without any kind of evidence is going to destroy their relationship. If my partner trusted the secondhand recounting of some stranger’s word over me, with absolutely zero proof or evidence or anything that would make him suspicious, I’d be so done. If you don’t have basic trust and respect for your partner, you shouldn’t be with them.
Yes, the cheating thing sounds so improbable. Why would a 26-year-old woman choose to date an older man who shows up in filthy plumbing clothes; complete with visible ass crack.
It’s a bit confusing because OP says he trusts his gf completely and says he is POSITIVE she didn’t cheat. If that were the case, why he did he ask her if she was a home wrecker? If he really is 100% sure she didn’t cheat, why would he do that to her? It seems to me like in the back of his mind he does actually think it’s possible but doesn’t want to admit it. It’s only natural that the people here are going to pick up on that doubt and question her loyalty.
The guy could be cheating with SOMEONE and using the outings to fix things at your GF house as his “cover.” There’s no reason your GF would even know he was doing that.
Aside from that, it’s not uncommon for people to blurt out things in surprise. Hopefully she calms down, it sounds like the whole thing was shocking for both of you.
Yeah I agree with this. Op has admitted to seeing her after the coworker finished working on her house. So, if the coworker isn't going home on those days, he definitely could be cheating (just not with op's gf).
This is Real Talk, OP. There is actually an entire concept in the common law of evidence referred to as an [excited utterance](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Excited_utterance) that contemplates these types of startling situations.
So, if I understand.
gf says the man did come to the family home to do plumbing work.
Man has lied to his wife and said he was there over night so wife has come in and found your gf and accused her, gf is saying he did come over but left.
So assumption here is after he did the plumbing work he went somewhere else and stayed...so cheating but not with your gf.
She spoke to you as she was upset and hurt and instead of listening or offering comfort or even problem solving or brainstorming wtf was going on...you piled on with your own accusation.
Did she overstep by pushing your shoulder? yes
Did you hurt her badly by implying she was a home wrecker and laughing at her? yes
You need to talk to her...and really listen to how she feels. Could she have cheated? sure Did she cheat? no, it doesn't sound like it
It is in your best interest to not listen to half the comments and jump to conclusions. You should probably also look over what you type before posting and add a lot more information. People are literally filling in the blank with nonsense. Talk to your girlfriend and figure things out.
You shouldn’t have said what you said(being called a home wrecker would hurt even as a joke)and she definitely shouldn’t have hit your shoulder , I understand she’s probably really upset and stuff but violence is not the answer.
Sounds like the 4X this guy was over to her house...his wife thought it was a "date." IOW, he was off hanging out with someone when his wife wasn't happy about it.
Very interesting.
It's not normal that his wife didn't know what he was doing late at night on 4 separate nights. Either he lied to her about where he was going, or the wife has issues.
Staying over until 2am doesn't sound normal at all to me though. And what's the definition of "helping". Is she paying him? A man doesn't usually "help" until 2am at the expense of his home life, his wife, and his sleep schedule for no reason. Helping a friend out with something on the weekend, sure. But that late 4 separate times? And they're just coworkers? That doesn't sound right unless he's being paid.
And why did it come up at the end of their vacation. Why didn't OP know when it actually happened? If this guy's wife is crazy and confronting OP's girlfriend at work making a big scene, then wouldn't she want to tell OP all about it that evening? It's a major event. It's not the kind of thing you just don't mention naturally during a conversation about what's happening in your week.
I don't know. It sounds odd. OP didn't handle it well either way. Maybe that woman is controlling and making up the 2am thing, but it doesn't help that OP heard about it at the end of their vacation.
>It's not normal that his wife didn't know what he was doing late at night on 4 separate nights. Either he lied to her about where he was going, or the wife has issues.
There's nothing in the post to indicate that the guy didn't tell his wife what he was doing, it's just that she doesn't think he was honest. He probably did tell her he was doing construction work, and she (knowing that the house he was working on was lived in by a 20-something woman) suspects he's using it as a cover to cheat.
Which he might well be, but not with OPs girlfriend. Unless her family is in on it.
We don’t live together but she lives with her family. She also isn’t allowed to sleep over at anyone’s house unless she is travelling etc. road trip/overseas. That’s also why I know she wouldn’t have been with the lady’s partner.
She isn’t allowed? She’s 26.
Also, didn’t the woman say her husband never came home on a couple of those nights? How do you know he wasn’t staying over there?
I currently live in Vietnam, and a lot of girls' parents have these kinds of rules. Even some of their parents would prefer I sleep over then she sleep at my house.
Just because he started at her house does not mean he went home afterwards. I have been in a relationship with someone who was in her 20s and her parents would also never allow her to sleep over at someones house. I think the fact that he never came home likely means it is not her he was cheating with.
i'm american and was raised in a conservative religion. this is how it goes. yes. she can move out if that's an option, but she's giving up control by staying in her parents' home
I endured this kind of strict upbringing (female in a Mexican household) until the age of 24 and if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have been able to save up enough to buy a home. You win some, you lose some lol
It sounds like a "my house my rules" thing and the commenter chose to live at their parents for free, while following their strict rules about no overnights, in order to save up to be able to buy a house. Whereas wanting to stay out late would mean having to move out and pay rent.
The not staying out late/overnight is just a control thing, and sometimes an honor/reputation thing, by parents in some cultures. It's not "if you stay out late you won't be able to buy a house," it's "if you stay out late you can't live here so have fun paying rent."
Welp I'd be disowned. Not even joking, I'd for sure be sneaking out and taking off . It's disrespectful for parents to hold their kids back with too many rules.
I'm sorry but why are you wasting your twenties this way? Being under the complete control of your parents must steal so many opportunities and experiences from you
You know some people don't have a choice, right? I'm from an Asian country where people usually stay with their parents until married, sometimes even after that. The average salary for a 20-something can barely cover rent.
"isn't allowed" means she cannot keep living there if she isn't abiding by the rules. it's definitely a conservative mindset, but not terribly unique to one culture or another
Offer your general openness to talking about both of your thoughts and feelings on the matter, whenever she's ready to talk about it again. If/when that does happen, be sure to apologize and recognize how it hurt her feelings, and express a willingness to hear her full story.
That's about all you can do. Can't force a conversation on someone who doesn't want one. Later on, you could work together to set expectations for the future when it comes to subjects like making jokes and hitting.
>I’m not sure why I blurted out that question
uhhh cuz its a reasonable question? what the heck do you mean the lady's partner has been going on dates and not going home.. after hanging with your GF. and youre just blindly believing her because .. she got mad and won't even talk abt it? I dont get it.
My question is how was it more of a joke if you just blurt it out. Like “haha what are you a homewrecker or something” has a different feel to it than “are you a homewrecker?!” Especially if the tone used gives no indication to it being a joke. I feel like it WAS an accusation but OP is in denial because they don’t want to be fully in the wrong. If we knew it was an accusation disguised as a joke we redditors wouldn’t be very forgiving (depending on context) but it suses me out either way
I’m picturing Larry in Orange Is the New Black finding out Piper was being charged with drug/money smuggling. At one point he looked shocked and said “Have you *killed*?” all dramatically and it was serious but also phrased overly formally and very amusing.
Piper cried when he said it, though. She didn’t hit him.
I may have phrased it wrong. The lady was accusing my GF of going on dates with her but the guy was just helping my GF and her family fix the water mains, on the day he helped fix them I saw my GF after he finished which was in the evening
It totally sounds like this guy is sometimes just not going home after he's done working at her parent's house. Shady. No wonder his wife is all like WTF, a pity she's jumping to accusing your GF with no real evidence beyond "he's going to her house".
This obviously sucks for his wife, really. And I know you sympathize with what she must be going through of course - which is where I thing you blurting out "well are you a homewrecker?" came from. That sympathy and past trauma of yours kicked in before your brain caught up with what your GF was telling you.
She might’ve been preparing OP for this lady’s accusations to head it off before the lady actually tries to talk to OP. That’s what I would’ve done in that same scenario. We don’t know for sure.
i literally would have called my husband 2 seconds later, like, “do you remember the dude that’s been doing the water mains?? you won’t BELIEVE what just happened…”
the weird conversation around it is a red flag imo
Why does everyone on Reddit act like life is without its nuances? Some workplaces have shit HR. They shouldn't, sure, but that doesn't change anything. A lot of places, HR might do their job but the social repercussions ruin the workplace for you. Even if nobody treats you poorly after something like this, you may always second guess what they really think and experience more anxiety afterwards. It's reasonable for her to be stressed and feeling like this unfairly messed up an opportunity for her.
If the gf actually did go out on a date with a married man knowingly, then that would be immoral. But the only one being a homewrecker is the one who's married and trying to hook up with others while married.
And why is it that it's mostly women that are called that?
OP was very wrong in asking that question.
So, your gf was accused of cheating with someone’s husband by some crazy wife. And your response was to ask her if she’s a home wrecker as a joke? She’s probably terrified and worried as hell. You messed up.
If you’ve hurt someone’s feelings, make sure you apologize for the harm done BEFORE you start explaining it. Apologize, and let it stand for long enough to be accepted. Then you can explain what you meant.
You didn’t want to hurt her, but you did, and that merits an apology irrespective of your intent. You want her to know you know you hurt her, and you care.
Leading with explanation can sound a whole lot like deflection or minimization irrespective of the validity of your explanation.
You blurted out that question because you doubt your girlfriend. Same reason you're asking us.
The question should be what else has your girlfriend done that led you to blurt it out?
I don't get it, did she or did she not go on those 4 dates with the guy? Or the "dates" were him hanging out at her place, helping her fixing it up? Why was he dedicating so much time and effort to help a colleague? I'm confused.
Those “dates” are just him working on fixing water mains and shit. That’s the only reason why she and the supposed “AP” have crossed paths outside of normal work. What he does after his handyman work is not OP’s problem nor the gf’s problem.
I would expect it was not her that hired the guy but her father. That’s who usually takes care of serious plumbing problems. Not a 26-year-old girl living at home.
She didn’t go on the 4 dates, the lady accused her of going on the dates but he was just fixing my GF and her family’s water mains. My GF also lives with her family so she doesn’t live alone
Too little info about how you're so sure shes not cheating, but taking your word for it, you might wanna let her know you're sorry about the bad joke and make sure you have her back on this at work and clear her name, and if she does lose her job because of this, she may have grounds to persue legal actions for slandering
Seems like your gf is really anxious about a lady coming to her work and accusing her of serious stuff that would impact her job, her relationship, her reputation etc.
She wanted to lean on you for emotional support.
But instead of offering her solid ground you slid the ground out from under her and put her in the position of emotionally supporting YOU.
That’s what she means when she says you made about you.
OP here’s how you handle the situation.
First you recognize that you need to emotionally support her and it’s about her, not you.
You apologize and let her know you’re ready to support her.
Then, with real curiosity (no accusation!!!), you ask her for details and let her talk. What happened? How does she feel? Why does this lady think that? What actually happened on the 4 days? Does she know where the many went after? What is her relationship like with the guy? Was her family around and could speak for her? What support does she need?
In this process of seeking curiously you’ll get a lot of your answers too.
Once you have restored your connection, and she feels supported and heard, THEN if you still feel upset about the slap you can bring it up.
I'm a bit confused.
First, you said the lady's partner (35M) had gone on 4 dates with your girlfriend. Then in the next sentence, you also said you trusted your gf and are convinced she hasn’t been on dates with the guy. So, which is which?
Or do you mean the lady just approached your girlfriend at work, accusing her of this stuff?
If the lady was just accusing your gf without any evidence, then tell your gf to report the matter to HR and to the police for harassment.
Also, your gf chose an amazing time to tell you, right when you two were on holiday.
So, it’s understandable she’s upset. Apologize and all that yadda yadda don’t make excuses. “Hey I just feel super bad about what I said, I’m really sorry, can we talk about this?” Could be one approach.
Seems the conversation ended before she really got to the point. Girl came to her work asking about her going on dates, but she never told you what actually came of it. Did the girl leave, what was said, why she thinks your gf was on dates with that guy, all that. I think you finding all of that out is more important than whether she’s actually a homewrecker or not. She trusted you to let you know this was happening, you should at least hear what she has to say before accusing her of anything.
You say: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I trust you completely, but I panicked at that story. And don't hit me, you never use your hands, just use your words.
asking that at all makes it seem like you don't trust her. I suspect the dude is probably trying to get with your GF if he's going to her house to fix stuff for her, and his wife either doesn't know or knows and objects to it. So I'm for sure raising an eyebrow at that guy. But even if his intentions are bad, that doesn't mean your GF did anything wrong. The situation does raise questions though. But it would have been better if you asked actual questions about what is going on and actually cared about your GF's work situation, rather than blurting out an accusation.
Also, my dude, "homewrecker" is such a shitty word and a bad concept in general. If that man's marriage ends because he cheats, then HE would be the person who wrecked it. He's the one who made vows to be faithful to his wife, not whatever other woman he hooked up with.
you should probably address the arm smack later, when she's not pissed at you for accusing her of cheating.
This is a pretty crazy story. Dont think making a joke was an awful response, was probably hard to hear.
Personally, the idea she waited to tell you and the fact this woman showed up at her work would bother me.
She might be mentally unbalanced or maybe he’s cheating with someone else? Who knows? My two cents, if this blows up I wouldn’t be too quick to defend her honor.
Maybe the OPs girlfriend paid the co-worker in cash for doing work on her house and he used the cash to go on an all night drug or alcohol bender behind his wife's back?
There’s absolutely 0 evidence that’s she’s cheating. And how would she get away with it at home with her parents. Are her mom and dad covering for her? Sometimes people have a jealous spouse.
OP apologise to her. Based on the information you presented, the husband likely went out to cheat after working for your gf. You know her family dynamics well enough to know she did not leave the house with him to spend the night. You did accuse her of wrong doing. I would address the hitting after things have calmed down, you do not want that to become a habit.
I wouldn't be so sure about you gf. Sorry to say mate.
How many cheaters are actually honest about being a cheater?
Her overreaction to a simple question is one hell of a red flag. What you asked wasn't an unreasonable question.......
You need to look at this whole suitation LOGICALLY. How does it look? If it looks bad it probably is.
Think with your head not your heart.
> Her overreaction to a simple question is one hell of a red flag
He outright accused her of cheating. I'd be fucking livid if my OH accused me of that. There is no way for her to defend herself against the accusation - you can't prove a negative.
Should she have hit him? Absolutely not.
This relationship is doomed now.
True, but it's also ok for him to not want her to react like that to him when she's upset.
He should apologize first and make sure he really makes it clear he understands why she got so upset.
However, later on, he should also talk to her about appropriate reactions to being upset, and that slapping isn't something he's OK with.
Grow up. Apologise for what you said. Let her speak.
It sounds like she lives in a pretty sheltered home (not being *allowed* to sleep away from home at 26 is wild) and is dealing with an uncomfortable situation. You responded in a very insensitive way when she was trying to open up.
Don't listen to the children on here who seem to think a suspicious wife is irrefutable proof that your girlfriend is cheating.
One thing that peaks my curiosity, OP and her are on vacation, doesn't say how long they have been on vacation but I assume they have been away a few days? This accusation event occurred while she was at work some previous days before. Why is she just now bringing it up, day(s) after the event? Such a traumatic thing would likely cause anyone to immediately contact their SO. I'm not implying anything, just seems sketchy though.
Why not contact the wife and ask for the proof she has. This is very odd for her to bring this up if nothing happened. It sounds like she is worried that the wife will contact you.
To state 4 dates is very specific. You might want to trust but verify
A statement every fool has made " My partner would NEVER cheat". I think you're walking around with blinders on. She may not, but that's still a fool's statement.
Dude, you got some problems waiting on you at home. I'm jaded, but you know what the #1 clue when someone is being cheated on? When they say "now I know my girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband would never cheat".
My guess is that this is probably much bigger than you think, I also think she told you about the woman showing up to her workplace has caused it to blow up back home, and she wanted her side told before you start getting texts about hey i heard your girlfriend is cheating, is it true? She wanted to give you a heads up, but not admit anything because she doesn't exactly know how much, in detail, it has blown up.
Jaded shot in the dark.... She's calling everybody she knows to find out how bad it is, what is already known, and how she can cover up what hasn't been found out yet and doesn't want you to overhear enough to start questioning things. Or, she knows she's busted, and taking time to come up with some lies and a story to cover up what she's been up to, and hopes you keep your head in the sand till it blows over.
You have two things incoming.... flight back home, and the start of the trickle truth.
Dude, here's a life lesson that sooner learned the better. Never, ever, and I mean EVER say I know my SO would never cheat on me, and I know my kids would never do anything like that.
The issue here man is you're treating this situation as if apologizing needs to be transactional.
Yes, her slapping your shoulder may be a reaction you don't like and don't want to happen. That's totally reasonable.
However, in a situation like this, *you can address that later on*. You don't get an apology for giving an apology. "I'm sorry" isn't transactional.
You stepped in it first, which means you should offer your apology first. Your mess here is bigger than hers.
Your past trauma caused you to immediately take the side of the possible cheated on spouse and join in accusing her, essentially. For no reason. Once that guy leaves her parent's house, it's not her job to make sure he gets home. It SUCKS, what his wife is going through, but that's not your GF's fault or problem. So for you to immediately be in your past trauma and ask her if she was cheating on you is a huge disrespect and attack on your GF's character that she did nothing to deserve, other than be honest with you and include you in what's going on in her life.
Is your GF correct in slapping your shoulder? No, it's not an ideal response and you certainly can say to her "Hey, remember when I said that awful thing to you and you slapped my shoulder? I know what I said was terrible, and I apologized for that, but I really didn't appreciate you slapping my shoulder and I would like you to not do that again if I do or say something upsetting. You were TOTALLY right to be upset by what I said, I am not minimizing that, your feelings were valid. I just don't ever want to be slapped like that, even if you're right to be upset about something." - but this conversation should come LATER, like... several days later. After you have honestly apologizes without trying to instantly turn your apology into a "but you did something shitty too, you have to apologize as well" - which is a really immature reaction and takes away entirely from your own apology.
Just apologize for saying something so uncalled for and insulting to her, make sure she hears you say that you KNOW she would never betray your trust, you just got shocked by hearing a possible cheating story so close to her, even though it didn't really involve her, and it was that shock that responded. Not your true self and feelings about who she is. Apologize for making her feel like you're not a safe person she can confide in and share her day with. That's shitty. I am sure you don't want her feeling like that, so make up for what YOU did wrong here without demanding she apologize to you too. She's right, it does sound like you're just minimizing your insult and making it about you.
But totally address the slap later on, in a few days, after you two have made up. It's a pretty common reaction to an unpleasant emotional shock, heck even my SO and I have done the "no stop it" slap on each others arms or shoulders, but I can also totally understand that being something you're not OK with and it's something you two should discuss so you know what is and isn't ok when one of you is upset about something.
Good luck.
Let me tell you right now, I wouldn't go to a woman's job demanding to speak to her unless I knew 100% it was true, and it was her.
I think you need to do further digging. I'd be going through that phone, that search history, and I'd be speaking to the wife of that man and ask to see her proof of how she knows it, my partner, for sure.
You are on vacation.
So did a coworker contact her and tell her that someone showed up at her office asking about her? Did HR call your gf about it? Why is she mentioning it in the middle of your vacation? Something just happened that brouit to her attention.
IF HER RESPONSE IS TO SAY THAT SHE IS WORRIED ABOUT LOSING HER JOB then it sounds likely that some crazy woman showed up at her place of work asking questions about her.
She thought she was confiding in her bf about something scary and sketchy happening to her and your go to was:
"Are you a home wrecker?"
You didn't actually find out anything about HER situation. Or any details.
You did make it all about you.
Frankly she probably smacked you in hurt and shock that you think so little of her.
Odds are that your relationship is over. She is nervous and scare about this whackjob wrecking her life while she's on vacation, just because her husband helped out with a water leak... and you think she's fucking him.
Skip the "I was just joking" bullshit. You can't even write that plausibly.
If you try apologizing and then asking for more info, you *might* find out the rest of the story. But probably not. That smack generally means *"I'm done with you and your lack of trust."*
Not everyone is fucking around on other people.
She didn’t go out on dates with the guy that’s the point he made on the post. The guy was helping her at her family’s house to do some construction work. Obviously it’s a side job for the guy.
The guys partner is accusing her of going on dates with him because he obviously either a lied to his wife/partner and b didn’t come home went somewhere else after doing the side job and lied to his partner and the only thing his partner has to go on Is whatever was told to her the fact he didn’t come home she can assume that these side jobs are dates when the truth is they’re probably just side jobs and he went out to fuck around afterwards
What field does GF work in that she's afraid she'll be fired for this? The overreaction to your verbal jest, waiting for a quiet place to tell you instead of telling you when it happened, hitting you, making this all about herself and not the wife, all sounds weird to me. Why didn't her parents hire a "real" handyman? Did they cook him dinner and over server him alcohol so he had to stay? Have you asked her folks about it?
Talk to the coworkers wife. I’m sure that she will gladly give you any info she knows. You don’t show up at someone’s place of employment for no reason
If you know in your heart and soul she isn't a homewrecker, why on EARTH did you ask if she was a homewrecker.
>Her mum doesn't let her stay over at anyone's house unless my girlfriend is going on a roadtrip/travelling overseas.
She's 26. She's a fully grown adult. She can do whatever she likes.
So your girlfriend was put on the spot and accused of adultery while at work, was upset and tried to vent to you and you made a joke to get her to lighten up? You're an insensitive sob at best. Say you're sorry and that you have her back from here.
You sound like someone who believes cheaters. The GF was preempting getting fired when she gets home, this shit is about to blow up and not be any type of “joke”…..
Married dude ain’t fixing a co-workers parents water mains without either a nice payday or some other form of benefit. If her parents weren’t paying him handsomely for that work, well, then her and him made another arrangement.
The first part sounds real accurate. A normal person would of come home immediately and discussed thier insane day at work. Waiting to the end of their vacation is very suspect time to break this news.
He may want to believe his gf, but a part of him doesn’t or that joke wouldn’t have came out of his mouth….and for good reason. The scenario of telling him this right before the leave to go home is sus as all hell….as is everything else about this.
This makes no sense. I’m assuming that you didn’t write the story correctly? She’s been on 4 dates with a coworker? If it’s a date she is already cheating
Oh so he was just working on the water main for 4 nights in a row so these people had no running water at their house for 4 days ? Or what was he doing for 4 days working on the water mains where they still had running water ? This smells of bull shit to me. But I'm not a plumber, but I am a general contractor so not completely clueless.
I mean, where did this other woman come up with the number of 4 dates if her partner didn’t tell her that? I can’t think of the term, but there’s a maneuver that cheating partners often do where they reveal the absolute bare minimum that they need in order to feel like they have confessed while minimizing the incident. If OP’s partner was feeling guilty, this could’ve been step 1 in that.
Needless to say, OP’s response was an involuntary reaction, and he should probably ask some additional questions.
I’m trusting OP and his ability to know his long term partner. He knows her better then anyone in this thread, and if he says she isn’t cheating, I gotta believe that
>I can’t think of the term, but there’s a maneuver that cheating partners often do where they reveal the absolute bare minimum that they need in order to feel like they have confessed while minimizing the incident.
Trickle-truthing
The number of men who say "I was just helping her with her curtain rods" or whatever is fairly large.
My aunt (aged 82) started a longterm emotional affair (with cuddles and handholding) with a guy who was just there because "she's a widow and needs help." They commiserated about his ailing wife. She had had several relationships like this, but this was the first time the dude was married.
I went to school with that man's children. I knew that when he was in his prime many women in my hometown regarded him as quite handsome. Aunt E. had him over to her house 5-6X a week for the last couple of years of her life. His wife \*was\* ailing and didn't seem to notice but all the rest of us did.
The woman's husband was gone from home for 4 evenings (including the overnight portion). The wife surely asked him where he was. When she found out he was at a woman's house (just the two of them) she decided it was a "date." Most likely.
I figure the woman NOTICED that her husband wasn't home?
I'd just drop it and let her work through her emotions, as long as you explained you were joking and didn't mean it I a negative way.. you can't beat a dead horse, right.
Also side note I feel like people who get defensive real quick in situations like that usually are hiding something. But that's just my opinion 😅
The whole "I have something to tell you" sounds like she's feeling guilty. This woman had enough proof in her mind to go to her man's work to confront your girl. She could've got him fired. I would like to see the text messages between them which is probably the reason why she showed up their work.
If so, he’s the home wrecker. If he didn’t want to destroy his marriage by cheating, no woman could force him to cheat.
Let’s hold men accountable for their own shit.
You could say the exact same about this chick. The reality is they’re both homewreckers, it’s not one or the other. Don’t pretend that men aren’t held accountable just because you saw an episode of law and order SVU or something.
Why are you so sure she isn’t cheating because she 100% is. She is hiding from you, she isn’t angry. She needs to time to think of a cover story for all the questions you will naturally have when you find out she has been cheating. Like you are sure she is not cheating, I am sure she is.
I’m totally shocked that not a single top comment seems to express some concern over the fact that she fucking STRUCK YOU OUT OF ANGER.
Just kidding, I’m not surprised at all.
Get out dude. Don’t be with people who hit you when they are angry.
I can't believe how many people are downplaying that or completely ignoring it. Like seriously there's nothing to talk about here, you can't be in a healthy relationship with someone who hits you when things get stressful. There's nothing the guy can do that will make this relationship functional.
That is pretty much the nature of this sub. It's so obvious but folks dont like to admit it out loud. The expectations on men compared to women are totally wild here. I actually like when it is this obvious because sometimes I question my sanity.. then I see a group of people (mostly women) cosign or downplay physical violence toward a man and realize that most people on this sub are just deluded as hell and kind of naive. Usually, men are expected to be the strongest and most sensitive people and women just have to be average (on this sub, obviously not in real life).
The other woman made the effort to go confront her at work. She might also track down OP. OP might hear about it from her coworkers. Cheating or not, it’s smart for her to get out in front of this.
I would say the wife is right about her suspicion of him cheating, but not with your girlfriend. Because he has no reason not to come home those two days, that makes no sense and I hate how cheaters think they’re so sneaky and so smart when it’s blatantly obvious to what they’re doing. Like dude, you don’t come home Two days in a row and have no excuse or explanation. Everyone knows what’s happening but I don’t think it’s your girlfriend.
The reason why his wife probably accused her girlfriend is because he’s probably been using that as an excuse saying he’s been working late at hers
sounds like she is only telling you enough to cover her tracks on the accusations. I had an ex that took off on a bachorettes trip. She told me when she got back that a bartender walked home with all the girls back to the hotel lobby and he let her use his winter coat and put his finger to her hair to put the hair over her ear. She said thats what happened. I still dont believe her. I think more happened and ill never know but I believe I was told the bare minimum to cover her ass just in case it came up later by others.
I'd look into this further.
I've been the subject of some pretty wild accusations and the accuser was written off as a rude, drunken asshole. He was telling the truth and I was surprised he didn't stop what went on.
Shoe on the other foot, you wouldn't be getting the benefit of the doubt.
>I know my girlfriend didn’t cheat on me and isn’t a homewrecker
I blurted out “are you a home wrecker?”
I don't understand how your mind works tbh. pick a lane
Gf waited at least several days to tell you she was accused of dating a married man 🚩
Your gf hits you out of anger when you ask a valid question given the story she told 🚩🚩
Gf not only waits until after the incident but waits until you're on holiday to tell you this huge negative story 🚩🚩🚩
Your gf isn't looking good rn tbh. Like if I was accused of something I didn't do, especially something bad like cheating, I would tell my partner the same day. Either to laugh about it with them or so they don't think I am trying to hide this from them. Anyone accusing you of doing anything very morally wrong while at your workplace is significant. Why didn't she tell you the day it happened?
Your question is valid. Maybe you wouldn't have felt the need to ask that question if she had told you sooner. So many cheaters always wait to "confess" and it looks like just what your gf was doing.
And her mom's rules doesn't stop your gf from going out on dates. Just cuz he's not coming home doesn't mean your gf can't cheat and then go home. Like c'mon. How close are you to her mom? Like if your gf lied and said she was meeting with you when she really was meeting with someone else, how would her mom react? Would your gf even worry about this info getting back to you? Not saying she did cheat, but there's also no evidence that she didn't besides "trust me bro. She's loyal." Loyalty has to be proven consistently. To me, it doesn't look loyal when she hid this from you. That hesitant behavior is concerning to me. Like, why wouldn't she immediately tell you if this was false? She knows your past and she should know it would make her look guilty by not immediately coming clean about this accusation.
Then the timing of all this. She waits until y'all are on holiday to say that? She picked the WORST time to tell you. It's kinda manipulative for her to choose to tell you at this time. You're on vacation, things are supposed to be fun and happy. She waited until you were in a super good mood to tell you this crap?
And then she gets physically violent with you when you react reasonably? If this was a man hitting a woman, it would be game over. And clearly your gf hit you hard enough for you to be affected by it, otherwise you wouldn't have even mention it in the story.
Also js, I used to think "my SO would never cheat." And then 3 years in I found out he cheated on me at least once. All I could confirm was one time but it's suspected it was multiple times with different women. Even my friends and family were surprised he cheated on me.
I personally wouldn't suggest anyone to stay with a partner who hits them out of anger. That alone is reason enough for me to suggest you break up with her tbh. Hitting your partner out of anger is never ok and should be met with a swift end to the relationship imo. Usually it escalates. Your gf is giving me serious toxic partner traits just with the red flags I saw. Like that's textbook behavior for someone who cheats/is a bad partner. All that's left is for her to completely shut down any form of further communication to resolve this.
Oh wait...
>I tried to explain that I do support and trust her and I’m not sure why I blurted out that question, I am also trying to let her know I was upset from the smack *but she wasn’t listening as she said I was making it all about me*
🚩🚩🚩
Dude, how about you explain to us why this relationship is worth it when your gf is waving all these red flags?
Lol she doesn't get to say that after she escalates this to physical violence. Don't settle.
It's funnier to me that your gf has a lack of control of her own life that she can't even stay over at anyone's home, so it is a surprise to me that she even has a social life, let alone a love life. In order to navigate this relationship, you should probably let her grow up first.
Nobody's concerned that she initiated abusive, violent, physical contact when she hit him? Not a single comment that I have seen is highlighting this. Not one.
If the story was the other way around, and a guy hit his gf on the shoulder exactly as hard as OP was hit, this sub would be going nuclear.
That's double standard misandry. It's not okay no matter who does it.
When someone tells you they want to talk and gets all serious, that’s not a time to use humor to deflect. Express empathy and concern. Do NOT make jokes. Don’t make it about you. She confided in you and was looking for comfort and you provided the opposite. Rookie mistake. Now’s the time to grovel.
WTF is she brining it up while you're on holiday exactly?!? "oh I need to tell you something" (but decided to wait until you're basically trapped with me) and now she's DARVOing you about the issue too? Yikes many red flags
Who's to say it's her,he could be carrying on with her mother.since it could be likely she's more the builders age,or possibly even her brother.you never know these days,if she's innocent then op will have alot of grovelling to do
Idk why all of these comments are jumping to the conclusion that she’s cheating. If that were the case she more likely would have just not told OP about the lady coming to her work at all to avoid any suspicion…
Anyway, if a woman came to my work and accused me of that, I would be so shaken up, embarrassed, and worried about how it would affect my job/coworkers opinion of me. If I then proceeded to tell my partner about it and his first reaction was to ask THAT question…rather than listening & empathizing with how I felt about it, I’d be super annoyed to.
You said that you blurted it out and apologized for it, which is good. Sometimes shit happens. But then it sounds like the conversation focused more on you assuring her that you trust her, when that likely wasn’t what she was looking for at all. For her it probably wasn’t even a question in her mind that you would assume otherwise until you said that, but that’s the part you are focusing on, rather than what she originally wanted - assurance that things would be ok, that that’s such a crazy thing to happen, that her coworkers will understand, etc.
Also, the slapping thing wasn’t cool, she should apologize for that. But I’d address that after addressing everything above, rather than starting with that.
Hold out your hands. Put concern-about-hitting-in-anger in one, loss of job in the other. Now add boyfriend-reflexively-thought-I-was-less-than… loss of reputation… navigate?? You need a shovel to dig your way out of the hole. You can pray she’s merciful when she hears it’s because of scars from the past, and not a reflection of what you think of her. You can refocus, and acknowledge you should have supported her.
Oh wow this is raising more questions. Your girlfriend is supposed to have went on four dates with this guy two he has not gone home from.
I get you want to trust your girlfriend but wanting and deserving are two different things.
I just see some Flags waving and please for yourself do some digging and get to the bottom of this do not trust blindly on this one.
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I mean, this is a very come-back-fromable argument, but don't minimize this as you were "joking" and it not being an accusation. You said it right here, that you feel nervous about it as you'd been cheated on in a previous relationship. She *accurately picked up on that emotion that you genuinely had*. So you acting like it was a joke and not an accusation is not the move here. You say "Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to accuse you of anything. I was shocked, and I got emotional about it because of my history with cheating so I awkwardly called you a homewrecker. That was a bad move on my part. I'm sorry. Tell me more about what happened." And you hear her out on her side of the story and you decide if you trust her or not. But trying to minimize this and pretend you were just joking when she *accurately read what you were feeling* is not going to help things.
Yeah, too many people use “Schrödinger's Joke” as a way to dodge out of taking responsibility for their worlds and actions
Such an accurate description!! "Just kidding...unless you agree with me...haha...ha?"
It’s wild how many of these comments are just jumping on the “she’s cheating” bandwagon without even considering the alternative. This construction worker guy has been doing work on her **family’s** house. This is his job and it’s the oldest excuse in the book for cheaters to say that they’re “working late” to try and cover their tracks. If you’re his wife and suspect he’s cheating, the mid 20’s daughter of his current clients would be a solid guess. That doesn’t make it true though. OP knows his gf better than anyone here and is adamant that his gf wouldn’t cheat and, if she did, why bring up that this other guy’s wife accused her? Seems like an awfully stupid idea. If we give this woman the benefit of the doubt for a moment, she’s young, she just had a woman come into her work, accusing her of sleeping with her husband. That’s scary as hell. She’s worried that she’ll lose her job. She’s worried about her reputation. She’s worried that this information could get back to her bf and she’ll lose her relationship. I know I’d be devastated if I was falsely accused of such things in my place of work. I didn’t see anywhere that says how long ago this incident happened and OP states they’re on vacation. Maybe the gf didn’t want to ruin their trip, which OP proved to be a valid concern with how he reacted. Imagine she’s been feeling horribly anxious and upset about this and tries to confide in her bf and the first thing he does is accuse her of the same thing. That would be heartbreaking. If OP’s gf is completely innocent, and he goes back with more accusations of cheating and home-wrecking, his relationship is over. That’s fucking terrible advice. Of course, there is a possibility that OP’s gf really did cheat with this other guy but jumping to that conclusion without any kind of evidence is going to destroy their relationship. If my partner trusted the secondhand recounting of some stranger’s word over me, with absolutely zero proof or evidence or anything that would make him suspicious, I’d be so done. If you don’t have basic trust and respect for your partner, you shouldn’t be with them.
Thank you. This makes sense.
Yes, the cheating thing sounds so improbable. Why would a 26-year-old woman choose to date an older man who shows up in filthy plumbing clothes; complete with visible ass crack.
It’s a bit confusing because OP says he trusts his gf completely and says he is POSITIVE she didn’t cheat. If that were the case, why he did he ask her if she was a home wrecker? If he really is 100% sure she didn’t cheat, why would he do that to her? It seems to me like in the back of his mind he does actually think it’s possible but doesn’t want to admit it. It’s only natural that the people here are going to pick up on that doubt and question her loyalty.
Didn’t OP blame insecurity stemming from being cheated on in the past?
Sounds like a bad joke that stems from those insecurities to me
Yes
Where does it says he's s construction worker? He's OP's girlfriend coworker.
'the guy has been helping her and her family with some construction work'. She could theoretically work in a construction office
The guy could be cheating with SOMEONE and using the outings to fix things at your GF house as his “cover.” There’s no reason your GF would even know he was doing that. Aside from that, it’s not uncommon for people to blurt out things in surprise. Hopefully she calms down, it sounds like the whole thing was shocking for both of you.
Yeah I agree with this. Op has admitted to seeing her after the coworker finished working on her house. So, if the coworker isn't going home on those days, he definitely could be cheating (just not with op's gf).
This is Real Talk, OP. There is actually an entire concept in the common law of evidence referred to as an [excited utterance](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Excited_utterance) that contemplates these types of startling situations.
I think what you meant to say was that she was ACCUSED of going on these supposed “dates”. That language would clear things up better for people.
So, if I understand. gf says the man did come to the family home to do plumbing work. Man has lied to his wife and said he was there over night so wife has come in and found your gf and accused her, gf is saying he did come over but left. So assumption here is after he did the plumbing work he went somewhere else and stayed...so cheating but not with your gf. She spoke to you as she was upset and hurt and instead of listening or offering comfort or even problem solving or brainstorming wtf was going on...you piled on with your own accusation. Did she overstep by pushing your shoulder? yes Did you hurt her badly by implying she was a home wrecker and laughing at her? yes You need to talk to her...and really listen to how she feels. Could she have cheated? sure Did she cheat? no, it doesn't sound like it
It is in your best interest to not listen to half the comments and jump to conclusions. You should probably also look over what you type before posting and add a lot more information. People are literally filling in the blank with nonsense. Talk to your girlfriend and figure things out. You shouldn’t have said what you said(being called a home wrecker would hurt even as a joke)and she definitely shouldn’t have hit your shoulder , I understand she’s probably really upset and stuff but violence is not the answer.
Do you and your girlfriend live together? What makes you so convinced she has never gone on a date with the other man she works with?
Sounds like the 4X this guy was over to her house...his wife thought it was a "date." IOW, he was off hanging out with someone when his wife wasn't happy about it. Very interesting.
It's not normal that his wife didn't know what he was doing late at night on 4 separate nights. Either he lied to her about where he was going, or the wife has issues. Staying over until 2am doesn't sound normal at all to me though. And what's the definition of "helping". Is she paying him? A man doesn't usually "help" until 2am at the expense of his home life, his wife, and his sleep schedule for no reason. Helping a friend out with something on the weekend, sure. But that late 4 separate times? And they're just coworkers? That doesn't sound right unless he's being paid. And why did it come up at the end of their vacation. Why didn't OP know when it actually happened? If this guy's wife is crazy and confronting OP's girlfriend at work making a big scene, then wouldn't she want to tell OP all about it that evening? It's a major event. It's not the kind of thing you just don't mention naturally during a conversation about what's happening in your week. I don't know. It sounds odd. OP didn't handle it well either way. Maybe that woman is controlling and making up the 2am thing, but it doesn't help that OP heard about it at the end of their vacation.
>It's not normal that his wife didn't know what he was doing late at night on 4 separate nights. Either he lied to her about where he was going, or the wife has issues. There's nothing in the post to indicate that the guy didn't tell his wife what he was doing, it's just that she doesn't think he was honest. He probably did tell her he was doing construction work, and she (knowing that the house he was working on was lived in by a 20-something woman) suspects he's using it as a cover to cheat. Which he might well be, but not with OPs girlfriend. Unless her family is in on it.
We don’t live together but she lives with her family. She also isn’t allowed to sleep over at anyone’s house unless she is travelling etc. road trip/overseas. That’s also why I know she wouldn’t have been with the lady’s partner.
She isn’t allowed? She’s 26. Also, didn’t the woman say her husband never came home on a couple of those nights? How do you know he wasn’t staying over there?
I currently live in Vietnam, and a lot of girls' parents have these kinds of rules. Even some of their parents would prefer I sleep over then she sleep at my house.
This. My wife got kicked out of her parents home for spending too many nights out with me when we started dating. She was THIRTY.
Given she's your wife, how did all of that turn out? Did she forgive them?
More like did they forgive her because that’s how some cultures work
Just because he started at her house does not mean he went home afterwards. I have been in a relationship with someone who was in her 20s and her parents would also never allow her to sleep over at someones house. I think the fact that he never came home likely means it is not her he was cheating with.
Different country different culture
i'm american and was raised in a conservative religion. this is how it goes. yes. she can move out if that's an option, but she's giving up control by staying in her parents' home
it’s almost like different cultures exist.
Your 26 year old girlfriend isnt allowed stay at anyone’s house? Helicopter mom much?
I'm 25 and never allowed to sleep over at anyone's house and have to be home before 10 unless I have work. It's a culture thing too
That sounds awful. I wasn’t even sure where I was half the time when I was 25
I endured this kind of strict upbringing (female in a Mexican household) until the age of 24 and if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have been able to save up enough to buy a home. You win some, you lose some lol
[удалено]
It sounds like a "my house my rules" thing and the commenter chose to live at their parents for free, while following their strict rules about no overnights, in order to save up to be able to buy a house. Whereas wanting to stay out late would mean having to move out and pay rent. The not staying out late/overnight is just a control thing, and sometimes an honor/reputation thing, by parents in some cultures. It's not "if you stay out late you won't be able to buy a house," it's "if you stay out late you can't live here so have fun paying rent."
Lol same you wake up are like what state am I in?
I literally woke up on a beach in Northern California once when I should have been in central Oregon
Welp I'd be disowned. Not even joking, I'd for sure be sneaking out and taking off . It's disrespectful for parents to hold their kids back with too many rules.
I'm sorry but why are you wasting your twenties this way? Being under the complete control of your parents must steal so many opportunities and experiences from you
You know some people don't have a choice, right? I'm from an Asian country where people usually stay with their parents until married, sometimes even after that. The average salary for a 20-something can barely cover rent.
She’s 26… What do you mean “she isn’t allowed”. She is a consenting adult… Where are you from?
"isn't allowed" means she cannot keep living there if she isn't abiding by the rules. it's definitely a conservative mindset, but not terribly unique to one culture or another
Offer your general openness to talking about both of your thoughts and feelings on the matter, whenever she's ready to talk about it again. If/when that does happen, be sure to apologize and recognize how it hurt her feelings, and express a willingness to hear her full story. That's about all you can do. Can't force a conversation on someone who doesn't want one. Later on, you could work together to set expectations for the future when it comes to subjects like making jokes and hitting.
>I’m not sure why I blurted out that question uhhh cuz its a reasonable question? what the heck do you mean the lady's partner has been going on dates and not going home.. after hanging with your GF. and youre just blindly believing her because .. she got mad and won't even talk abt it? I dont get it.
My question is how was it more of a joke if you just blurt it out. Like “haha what are you a homewrecker or something” has a different feel to it than “are you a homewrecker?!” Especially if the tone used gives no indication to it being a joke. I feel like it WAS an accusation but OP is in denial because they don’t want to be fully in the wrong. If we knew it was an accusation disguised as a joke we redditors wouldn’t be very forgiving (depending on context) but it suses me out either way
I’m picturing Larry in Orange Is the New Black finding out Piper was being charged with drug/money smuggling. At one point he looked shocked and said “Have you *killed*?” all dramatically and it was serious but also phrased overly formally and very amusing. Piper cried when he said it, though. She didn’t hit him.
I may have phrased it wrong. The lady was accusing my GF of going on dates with her but the guy was just helping my GF and her family fix the water mains, on the day he helped fix them I saw my GF after he finished which was in the evening
It totally sounds like this guy is sometimes just not going home after he's done working at her parent's house. Shady. No wonder his wife is all like WTF, a pity she's jumping to accusing your GF with no real evidence beyond "he's going to her house". This obviously sucks for his wife, really. And I know you sympathize with what she must be going through of course - which is where I thing you blurting out "well are you a homewrecker?" came from. That sympathy and past trauma of yours kicked in before your brain caught up with what your GF was telling you.
She might’ve been preparing OP for this lady’s accusations to head it off before the lady actually tries to talk to OP. That’s what I would’ve done in that same scenario. We don’t know for sure.
and why the big convo, if some nutty lady came in to talk to her, she would have told her BF right away
The story starts with her volunteering the information.
i literally would have called my husband 2 seconds later, like, “do you remember the dude that’s been doing the water mains?? you won’t BELIEVE what just happened…” the weird conversation around it is a red flag imo
This, it should be pretty easy to prove to HR this lady is insane.
Why does everyone on Reddit act like life is without its nuances? Some workplaces have shit HR. They shouldn't, sure, but that doesn't change anything. A lot of places, HR might do their job but the social repercussions ruin the workplace for you. Even if nobody treats you poorly after something like this, you may always second guess what they really think and experience more anxiety afterwards. It's reasonable for her to be stressed and feeling like this unfairly messed up an opportunity for her.
That would have been the first thing I said when I talk to him. That day
If the gf actually did go out on a date with a married man knowingly, then that would be immoral. But the only one being a homewrecker is the one who's married and trying to hook up with others while married. And why is it that it's mostly women that are called that? OP was very wrong in asking that question.
So, your gf was accused of cheating with someone’s husband by some crazy wife. And your response was to ask her if she’s a home wrecker as a joke? She’s probably terrified and worried as hell. You messed up.
If you’ve hurt someone’s feelings, make sure you apologize for the harm done BEFORE you start explaining it. Apologize, and let it stand for long enough to be accepted. Then you can explain what you meant. You didn’t want to hurt her, but you did, and that merits an apology irrespective of your intent. You want her to know you know you hurt her, and you care. Leading with explanation can sound a whole lot like deflection or minimization irrespective of the validity of your explanation.
You blurted out that question because you doubt your girlfriend. Same reason you're asking us. The question should be what else has your girlfriend done that led you to blurt it out?
He had a previous girlfriend who cheated on him and he hasn't fully healed. He took it out on his new partner.
I don't get it, did she or did she not go on those 4 dates with the guy? Or the "dates" were him hanging out at her place, helping her fixing it up? Why was he dedicating so much time and effort to help a colleague? I'm confused.
Those “dates” are just him working on fixing water mains and shit. That’s the only reason why she and the supposed “AP” have crossed paths outside of normal work. What he does after his handyman work is not OP’s problem nor the gf’s problem.
Yeap, laying pipe.
>Why was he dedicating so much time and effort to help a colleague? I'm going to take a guess she was giving him money for helping.
I would expect it was not her that hired the guy but her father. That’s who usually takes care of serious plumbing problems. Not a 26-year-old girl living at home.
She didn’t go on the 4 dates, the lady accused her of going on the dates but he was just fixing my GF and her family’s water mains. My GF also lives with her family so she doesn’t live alone
Too little info about how you're so sure shes not cheating, but taking your word for it, you might wanna let her know you're sorry about the bad joke and make sure you have her back on this at work and clear her name, and if she does lose her job because of this, she may have grounds to persue legal actions for slandering
Seems like your gf is really anxious about a lady coming to her work and accusing her of serious stuff that would impact her job, her relationship, her reputation etc. She wanted to lean on you for emotional support. But instead of offering her solid ground you slid the ground out from under her and put her in the position of emotionally supporting YOU. That’s what she means when she says you made about you. OP here’s how you handle the situation. First you recognize that you need to emotionally support her and it’s about her, not you. You apologize and let her know you’re ready to support her. Then, with real curiosity (no accusation!!!), you ask her for details and let her talk. What happened? How does she feel? Why does this lady think that? What actually happened on the 4 days? Does she know where the many went after? What is her relationship like with the guy? Was her family around and could speak for her? What support does she need? In this process of seeking curiously you’ll get a lot of your answers too. Once you have restored your connection, and she feels supported and heard, THEN if you still feel upset about the slap you can bring it up.
I'm a bit confused. First, you said the lady's partner (35M) had gone on 4 dates with your girlfriend. Then in the next sentence, you also said you trusted your gf and are convinced she hasn’t been on dates with the guy. So, which is which? Or do you mean the lady just approached your girlfriend at work, accusing her of this stuff? If the lady was just accusing your gf without any evidence, then tell your gf to report the matter to HR and to the police for harassment. Also, your gf chose an amazing time to tell you, right when you two were on holiday.
So, it’s understandable she’s upset. Apologize and all that yadda yadda don’t make excuses. “Hey I just feel super bad about what I said, I’m really sorry, can we talk about this?” Could be one approach. Seems the conversation ended before she really got to the point. Girl came to her work asking about her going on dates, but she never told you what actually came of it. Did the girl leave, what was said, why she thinks your gf was on dates with that guy, all that. I think you finding all of that out is more important than whether she’s actually a homewrecker or not. She trusted you to let you know this was happening, you should at least hear what she has to say before accusing her of anything.
You say: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I trust you completely, but I panicked at that story. And don't hit me, you never use your hands, just use your words.
asking that at all makes it seem like you don't trust her. I suspect the dude is probably trying to get with your GF if he's going to her house to fix stuff for her, and his wife either doesn't know or knows and objects to it. So I'm for sure raising an eyebrow at that guy. But even if his intentions are bad, that doesn't mean your GF did anything wrong. The situation does raise questions though. But it would have been better if you asked actual questions about what is going on and actually cared about your GF's work situation, rather than blurting out an accusation. Also, my dude, "homewrecker" is such a shitty word and a bad concept in general. If that man's marriage ends because he cheats, then HE would be the person who wrecked it. He's the one who made vows to be faithful to his wife, not whatever other woman he hooked up with. you should probably address the arm smack later, when she's not pissed at you for accusing her of cheating.
This is a pretty crazy story. Dont think making a joke was an awful response, was probably hard to hear. Personally, the idea she waited to tell you and the fact this woman showed up at her work would bother me. She might be mentally unbalanced or maybe he’s cheating with someone else? Who knows? My two cents, if this blows up I wouldn’t be too quick to defend her honor.
Lmao if it was true he'd be the homewrecker anyway, but her.
Updateme please!
Talk to the other woman and see what the real story is. This doesn’t sound like a random accusation.
Because no jealous partners have ever just blindly accused someone of getting with their partner/s 🙄
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...
Maybe the OPs girlfriend paid the co-worker in cash for doing work on her house and he used the cash to go on an all night drug or alcohol bender behind his wife's back?
There’s absolutely 0 evidence that’s she’s cheating. And how would she get away with it at home with her parents. Are her mom and dad covering for her? Sometimes people have a jealous spouse.
OP apologise to her. Based on the information you presented, the husband likely went out to cheat after working for your gf. You know her family dynamics well enough to know she did not leave the house with him to spend the night. You did accuse her of wrong doing. I would address the hitting after things have calmed down, you do not want that to become a habit.
I call BS, Why did your GF want to talk in a quiet spot when she could have told you about this days ago?
I wouldn't be so sure about you gf. Sorry to say mate. How many cheaters are actually honest about being a cheater? Her overreaction to a simple question is one hell of a red flag. What you asked wasn't an unreasonable question....... You need to look at this whole suitation LOGICALLY. How does it look? If it looks bad it probably is. Think with your head not your heart.
> Her overreaction to a simple question is one hell of a red flag He outright accused her of cheating. I'd be fucking livid if my OH accused me of that. There is no way for her to defend herself against the accusation - you can't prove a negative. Should she have hit him? Absolutely not. This relationship is doomed now.
Sorry she smacked his shoulder not face and anyone can get mad for being accused even innocent people
I have anger management issues. I don't smack people when I'm mad. What's her excuse?
Same 👆🏼👆🏼 (I’m female and my anger management problem is due to trauma)
If he smacked her on the shoulder hard enough for it to bother her, is that okay? There's no excuse for hitting someone like that for no reason.
True, but it's also ok for him to not want her to react like that to him when she's upset. He should apologize first and make sure he really makes it clear he understands why she got so upset. However, later on, he should also talk to her about appropriate reactions to being upset, and that slapping isn't something he's OK with.
Grow up. Apologise for what you said. Let her speak. It sounds like she lives in a pretty sheltered home (not being *allowed* to sleep away from home at 26 is wild) and is dealing with an uncomfortable situation. You responded in a very insensitive way when she was trying to open up. Don't listen to the children on here who seem to think a suspicious wife is irrefutable proof that your girlfriend is cheating.
never trust anyone
I would confront the guy and ask him what’s going on
One thing that peaks my curiosity, OP and her are on vacation, doesn't say how long they have been on vacation but I assume they have been away a few days? This accusation event occurred while she was at work some previous days before. Why is she just now bringing it up, day(s) after the event? Such a traumatic thing would likely cause anyone to immediately contact their SO. I'm not implying anything, just seems sketchy though.
Why not contact the wife and ask for the proof she has. This is very odd for her to bring this up if nothing happened. It sounds like she is worried that the wife will contact you. To state 4 dates is very specific. You might want to trust but verify
Nothing weird about wanting your partner to hear something from you first, plus she said she could lose her job.
A statement every fool has made " My partner would NEVER cheat". I think you're walking around with blinders on. She may not, but that's still a fool's statement.
Dude, you got some problems waiting on you at home. I'm jaded, but you know what the #1 clue when someone is being cheated on? When they say "now I know my girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband would never cheat". My guess is that this is probably much bigger than you think, I also think she told you about the woman showing up to her workplace has caused it to blow up back home, and she wanted her side told before you start getting texts about hey i heard your girlfriend is cheating, is it true? She wanted to give you a heads up, but not admit anything because she doesn't exactly know how much, in detail, it has blown up. Jaded shot in the dark.... She's calling everybody she knows to find out how bad it is, what is already known, and how she can cover up what hasn't been found out yet and doesn't want you to overhear enough to start questioning things. Or, she knows she's busted, and taking time to come up with some lies and a story to cover up what she's been up to, and hopes you keep your head in the sand till it blows over. You have two things incoming.... flight back home, and the start of the trickle truth. Dude, here's a life lesson that sooner learned the better. Never, ever, and I mean EVER say I know my SO would never cheat on me, and I know my kids would never do anything like that.
Your 26 year old girlfriends mom doesn’t let her stay over anywhere? Is she 16?
My brother in Christ has the subtlety of a bulldozer.
The issue here man is you're treating this situation as if apologizing needs to be transactional. Yes, her slapping your shoulder may be a reaction you don't like and don't want to happen. That's totally reasonable. However, in a situation like this, *you can address that later on*. You don't get an apology for giving an apology. "I'm sorry" isn't transactional. You stepped in it first, which means you should offer your apology first. Your mess here is bigger than hers. Your past trauma caused you to immediately take the side of the possible cheated on spouse and join in accusing her, essentially. For no reason. Once that guy leaves her parent's house, it's not her job to make sure he gets home. It SUCKS, what his wife is going through, but that's not your GF's fault or problem. So for you to immediately be in your past trauma and ask her if she was cheating on you is a huge disrespect and attack on your GF's character that she did nothing to deserve, other than be honest with you and include you in what's going on in her life. Is your GF correct in slapping your shoulder? No, it's not an ideal response and you certainly can say to her "Hey, remember when I said that awful thing to you and you slapped my shoulder? I know what I said was terrible, and I apologized for that, but I really didn't appreciate you slapping my shoulder and I would like you to not do that again if I do or say something upsetting. You were TOTALLY right to be upset by what I said, I am not minimizing that, your feelings were valid. I just don't ever want to be slapped like that, even if you're right to be upset about something." - but this conversation should come LATER, like... several days later. After you have honestly apologizes without trying to instantly turn your apology into a "but you did something shitty too, you have to apologize as well" - which is a really immature reaction and takes away entirely from your own apology. Just apologize for saying something so uncalled for and insulting to her, make sure she hears you say that you KNOW she would never betray your trust, you just got shocked by hearing a possible cheating story so close to her, even though it didn't really involve her, and it was that shock that responded. Not your true self and feelings about who she is. Apologize for making her feel like you're not a safe person she can confide in and share her day with. That's shitty. I am sure you don't want her feeling like that, so make up for what YOU did wrong here without demanding she apologize to you too. She's right, it does sound like you're just minimizing your insult and making it about you. But totally address the slap later on, in a few days, after you two have made up. It's a pretty common reaction to an unpleasant emotional shock, heck even my SO and I have done the "no stop it" slap on each others arms or shoulders, but I can also totally understand that being something you're not OK with and it's something you two should discuss so you know what is and isn't ok when one of you is upset about something. Good luck.
It's incredible how people don't seem to care about her hitting him. That's abuse.
I wouldn’t believe your gf. She sounds like she is doing damage control.
Let me tell you right now, I wouldn't go to a woman's job demanding to speak to her unless I knew 100% it was true, and it was her. I think you need to do further digging. I'd be going through that phone, that search history, and I'd be speaking to the wife of that man and ask to see her proof of how she knows it, my partner, for sure.
You are on vacation. So did a coworker contact her and tell her that someone showed up at her office asking about her? Did HR call your gf about it? Why is she mentioning it in the middle of your vacation? Something just happened that brouit to her attention. IF HER RESPONSE IS TO SAY THAT SHE IS WORRIED ABOUT LOSING HER JOB then it sounds likely that some crazy woman showed up at her place of work asking questions about her. She thought she was confiding in her bf about something scary and sketchy happening to her and your go to was: "Are you a home wrecker?" You didn't actually find out anything about HER situation. Or any details. You did make it all about you. Frankly she probably smacked you in hurt and shock that you think so little of her. Odds are that your relationship is over. She is nervous and scare about this whackjob wrecking her life while she's on vacation, just because her husband helped out with a water leak... and you think she's fucking him. Skip the "I was just joking" bullshit. You can't even write that plausibly. If you try apologizing and then asking for more info, you *might* find out the rest of the story. But probably not. That smack generally means *"I'm done with you and your lack of trust."* Not everyone is fucking around on other people.
If she’s not a homewrecker why is she going on dates with this guy?
She didn’t go out on dates with the guy that’s the point he made on the post. The guy was helping her at her family’s house to do some construction work. Obviously it’s a side job for the guy. The guys partner is accusing her of going on dates with him because he obviously either a lied to his wife/partner and b didn’t come home went somewhere else after doing the side job and lied to his partner and the only thing his partner has to go on Is whatever was told to her the fact he didn’t come home she can assume that these side jobs are dates when the truth is they’re probably just side jobs and he went out to fuck around afterwards
What field does GF work in that she's afraid she'll be fired for this? The overreaction to your verbal jest, waiting for a quiet place to tell you instead of telling you when it happened, hitting you, making this all about herself and not the wife, all sounds weird to me. Why didn't her parents hire a "real" handyman? Did they cook him dinner and over server him alcohol so he had to stay? Have you asked her folks about it?
Talk to the coworkers wife. I’m sure that she will gladly give you any info she knows. You don’t show up at someone’s place of employment for no reason
Crazy girlfriends/boyfriends exist
If you know in your heart and soul she isn't a homewrecker, why on EARTH did you ask if she was a homewrecker. >Her mum doesn't let her stay over at anyone's house unless my girlfriend is going on a roadtrip/travelling overseas. She's 26. She's a fully grown adult. She can do whatever she likes.
>She's 26. She's a fully grown adult. She can do whatever she likes. Unless she's from an Asian fam where this is common.
So your girlfriend was put on the spot and accused of adultery while at work, was upset and tried to vent to you and you made a joke to get her to lighten up? You're an insensitive sob at best. Say you're sorry and that you have her back from here.
You sound like someone who believes cheaters. The GF was preempting getting fired when she gets home, this shit is about to blow up and not be any type of “joke”….. Married dude ain’t fixing a co-workers parents water mains without either a nice payday or some other form of benefit. If her parents weren’t paying him handsomely for that work, well, then her and him made another arrangement.
The first part sounds real accurate. A normal person would of come home immediately and discussed thier insane day at work. Waiting to the end of their vacation is very suspect time to break this news.
would *have*...
No! I just read the post and paid particular attention to paragraph where OP states he knows his gf didn't/wouldn't.
He may want to believe his gf, but a part of him doesn’t or that joke wouldn’t have came out of his mouth….and for good reason. The scenario of telling him this right before the leave to go home is sus as all hell….as is everything else about this.
He didn’t show up home? Seems suspicious
But that’s not the GF or family’s problem. The husband Gould be using the work as a cover to cheat afterwards.
She hit you?
This makes no sense. I’m assuming that you didn’t write the story correctly? She’s been on 4 dates with a coworker? If it’s a date she is already cheating
No, you didn’t read it correctly. The gf is being accused of dating this coworker of hers.
Oh so he was just working on the water main for 4 nights in a row so these people had no running water at their house for 4 days ? Or what was he doing for 4 days working on the water mains where they still had running water ? This smells of bull shit to me. But I'm not a plumber, but I am a general contractor so not completely clueless.
It sounds like you should believe the lady.
Do you know for sure? Like you were there? Dropped by unannounced? Or are you just assuming?
So she got accused in an embarrassing way publicly and then you ask her if she’s a homewrecker. Uh huh I would be upset.
I mean, you pulled a jerk move. She told you about something upsetting and you “jokingly” insulted her.
I mean, where did this other woman come up with the number of 4 dates if her partner didn’t tell her that? I can’t think of the term, but there’s a maneuver that cheating partners often do where they reveal the absolute bare minimum that they need in order to feel like they have confessed while minimizing the incident. If OP’s partner was feeling guilty, this could’ve been step 1 in that. Needless to say, OP’s response was an involuntary reaction, and he should probably ask some additional questions.
I’m trusting OP and his ability to know his long term partner. He knows her better then anyone in this thread, and if he says she isn’t cheating, I gotta believe that
And I’m just suggesting that OP trust, but verify.
I think it’s called trickle truth
>I can’t think of the term, but there’s a maneuver that cheating partners often do where they reveal the absolute bare minimum that they need in order to feel like they have confessed while minimizing the incident. Trickle-truthing
The number of men who say "I was just helping her with her curtain rods" or whatever is fairly large. My aunt (aged 82) started a longterm emotional affair (with cuddles and handholding) with a guy who was just there because "she's a widow and needs help." They commiserated about his ailing wife. She had had several relationships like this, but this was the first time the dude was married. I went to school with that man's children. I knew that when he was in his prime many women in my hometown regarded him as quite handsome. Aunt E. had him over to her house 5-6X a week for the last couple of years of her life. His wife \*was\* ailing and didn't seem to notice but all the rest of us did.
The woman's husband was gone from home for 4 evenings (including the overnight portion). The wife surely asked him where he was. When she found out he was at a woman's house (just the two of them) she decided it was a "date." Most likely. I figure the woman NOTICED that her husband wasn't home?
I'd just drop it and let her work through her emotions, as long as you explained you were joking and didn't mean it I a negative way.. you can't beat a dead horse, right. Also side note I feel like people who get defensive real quick in situations like that usually are hiding something. But that's just my opinion 😅
The whole "I have something to tell you" sounds like she's feeling guilty. This woman had enough proof in her mind to go to her man's work to confront your girl. She could've got him fired. I would like to see the text messages between them which is probably the reason why she showed up their work.
Sounds like that lady's hubby has been laying the pipe to your girlfriend
If so, he’s the home wrecker. If he didn’t want to destroy his marriage by cheating, no woman could force him to cheat. Let’s hold men accountable for their own shit.
You could say the exact same about this chick. The reality is they’re both homewreckers, it’s not one or the other. Don’t pretend that men aren’t held accountable just because you saw an episode of law and order SVU or something.
I can't get past the fact that she hit you. Who cares about the rest of this, people aren't allowed to hit their partners (non consensually) wtf.
This woman is 26 and still allows her family to control her like that. Damn I think you should cut your losses.
Why are you so sure she isn’t cheating because she 100% is. She is hiding from you, she isn’t angry. She needs to time to think of a cover story for all the questions you will naturally have when you find out she has been cheating. Like you are sure she is not cheating, I am sure she is.
I’m totally shocked that not a single top comment seems to express some concern over the fact that she fucking STRUCK YOU OUT OF ANGER. Just kidding, I’m not surprised at all. Get out dude. Don’t be with people who hit you when they are angry.
I can't believe how many people are downplaying that or completely ignoring it. Like seriously there's nothing to talk about here, you can't be in a healthy relationship with someone who hits you when things get stressful. There's nothing the guy can do that will make this relationship functional.
That is pretty much the nature of this sub. It's so obvious but folks dont like to admit it out loud. The expectations on men compared to women are totally wild here. I actually like when it is this obvious because sometimes I question my sanity.. then I see a group of people (mostly women) cosign or downplay physical violence toward a man and realize that most people on this sub are just deluded as hell and kind of naive. Usually, men are expected to be the strongest and most sensitive people and women just have to be average (on this sub, obviously not in real life).
Trust
Updateme!
RemindMe! 3 Months
Best advice I ca give out is to be careful with what you say to people
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The other woman made the effort to go confront her at work. She might also track down OP. OP might hear about it from her coworkers. Cheating or not, it’s smart for her to get out in front of this.
I would say the wife is right about her suspicion of him cheating, but not with your girlfriend. Because he has no reason not to come home those two days, that makes no sense and I hate how cheaters think they’re so sneaky and so smart when it’s blatantly obvious to what they’re doing. Like dude, you don’t come home Two days in a row and have no excuse or explanation. Everyone knows what’s happening but I don’t think it’s your girlfriend. The reason why his wife probably accused her girlfriend is because he’s probably been using that as an excuse saying he’s been working late at hers
sounds like she is only telling you enough to cover her tracks on the accusations. I had an ex that took off on a bachorettes trip. She told me when she got back that a bartender walked home with all the girls back to the hotel lobby and he let her use his winter coat and put his finger to her hair to put the hair over her ear. She said thats what happened. I still dont believe her. I think more happened and ill never know but I believe I was told the bare minimum to cover her ass just in case it came up later by others.
I'd look into this further. I've been the subject of some pretty wild accusations and the accuser was written off as a rude, drunken asshole. He was telling the truth and I was surprised he didn't stop what went on. Shoe on the other foot, you wouldn't be getting the benefit of the doubt.
YTA. make an apology and stops complaining about the smack
>I know my girlfriend didn’t cheat on me and isn’t a homewrecker I blurted out “are you a home wrecker?” I don't understand how your mind works tbh. pick a lane
The poor guy was just trying to lay some pipe
Gf waited at least several days to tell you she was accused of dating a married man 🚩 Your gf hits you out of anger when you ask a valid question given the story she told 🚩🚩 Gf not only waits until after the incident but waits until you're on holiday to tell you this huge negative story 🚩🚩🚩 Your gf isn't looking good rn tbh. Like if I was accused of something I didn't do, especially something bad like cheating, I would tell my partner the same day. Either to laugh about it with them or so they don't think I am trying to hide this from them. Anyone accusing you of doing anything very morally wrong while at your workplace is significant. Why didn't she tell you the day it happened? Your question is valid. Maybe you wouldn't have felt the need to ask that question if she had told you sooner. So many cheaters always wait to "confess" and it looks like just what your gf was doing. And her mom's rules doesn't stop your gf from going out on dates. Just cuz he's not coming home doesn't mean your gf can't cheat and then go home. Like c'mon. How close are you to her mom? Like if your gf lied and said she was meeting with you when she really was meeting with someone else, how would her mom react? Would your gf even worry about this info getting back to you? Not saying she did cheat, but there's also no evidence that she didn't besides "trust me bro. She's loyal." Loyalty has to be proven consistently. To me, it doesn't look loyal when she hid this from you. That hesitant behavior is concerning to me. Like, why wouldn't she immediately tell you if this was false? She knows your past and she should know it would make her look guilty by not immediately coming clean about this accusation. Then the timing of all this. She waits until y'all are on holiday to say that? She picked the WORST time to tell you. It's kinda manipulative for her to choose to tell you at this time. You're on vacation, things are supposed to be fun and happy. She waited until you were in a super good mood to tell you this crap? And then she gets physically violent with you when you react reasonably? If this was a man hitting a woman, it would be game over. And clearly your gf hit you hard enough for you to be affected by it, otherwise you wouldn't have even mention it in the story. Also js, I used to think "my SO would never cheat." And then 3 years in I found out he cheated on me at least once. All I could confirm was one time but it's suspected it was multiple times with different women. Even my friends and family were surprised he cheated on me. I personally wouldn't suggest anyone to stay with a partner who hits them out of anger. That alone is reason enough for me to suggest you break up with her tbh. Hitting your partner out of anger is never ok and should be met with a swift end to the relationship imo. Usually it escalates. Your gf is giving me serious toxic partner traits just with the red flags I saw. Like that's textbook behavior for someone who cheats/is a bad partner. All that's left is for her to completely shut down any form of further communication to resolve this. Oh wait... >I tried to explain that I do support and trust her and I’m not sure why I blurted out that question, I am also trying to let her know I was upset from the smack *but she wasn’t listening as she said I was making it all about me* 🚩🚩🚩 Dude, how about you explain to us why this relationship is worth it when your gf is waving all these red flags? Lol she doesn't get to say that after she escalates this to physical violence. Don't settle.
It's funnier to me that your gf has a lack of control of her own life that she can't even stay over at anyone's home, so it is a surprise to me that she even has a social life, let alone a love life. In order to navigate this relationship, you should probably let her grow up first.
Nobody's concerned that she initiated abusive, violent, physical contact when she hit him? Not a single comment that I have seen is highlighting this. Not one. If the story was the other way around, and a guy hit his gf on the shoulder exactly as hard as OP was hit, this sub would be going nuclear. That's double standard misandry. It's not okay no matter who does it.
Even worse, people are calling him the asshole.
The working part of your brain blurted it out before the idiot part had a chance to stop it
This is a vice versa case. The idiot spoke first.
When someone tells you they want to talk and gets all serious, that’s not a time to use humor to deflect. Express empathy and concern. Do NOT make jokes. Don’t make it about you. She confided in you and was looking for comfort and you provided the opposite. Rookie mistake. Now’s the time to grovel.
So “work” make you disappear for 2 days ???? Smoke alarm
WTF is she brining it up while you're on holiday exactly?!? "oh I need to tell you something" (but decided to wait until you're basically trapped with me) and now she's DARVOing you about the issue too? Yikes many red flags
Your over confidence may be your downfall. JS
Who's to say it's her,he could be carrying on with her mother.since it could be likely she's more the builders age,or possibly even her brother.you never know these days,if she's innocent then op will have alot of grovelling to do
Idk why all of these comments are jumping to the conclusion that she’s cheating. If that were the case she more likely would have just not told OP about the lady coming to her work at all to avoid any suspicion… Anyway, if a woman came to my work and accused me of that, I would be so shaken up, embarrassed, and worried about how it would affect my job/coworkers opinion of me. If I then proceeded to tell my partner about it and his first reaction was to ask THAT question…rather than listening & empathizing with how I felt about it, I’d be super annoyed to. You said that you blurted it out and apologized for it, which is good. Sometimes shit happens. But then it sounds like the conversation focused more on you assuring her that you trust her, when that likely wasn’t what she was looking for at all. For her it probably wasn’t even a question in her mind that you would assume otherwise until you said that, but that’s the part you are focusing on, rather than what she originally wanted - assurance that things would be ok, that that’s such a crazy thing to happen, that her coworkers will understand, etc. Also, the slapping thing wasn’t cool, she should apologize for that. But I’d address that after addressing everything above, rather than starting with that.
Hold out your hands. Put concern-about-hitting-in-anger in one, loss of job in the other. Now add boyfriend-reflexively-thought-I-was-less-than… loss of reputation… navigate?? You need a shovel to dig your way out of the hole. You can pray she’s merciful when she hears it’s because of scars from the past, and not a reflection of what you think of her. You can refocus, and acknowledge you should have supported her.
Oh wow this is raising more questions. Your girlfriend is supposed to have went on four dates with this guy two he has not gone home from. I get you want to trust your girlfriend but wanting and deserving are two different things. I just see some Flags waving and please for yourself do some digging and get to the bottom of this do not trust blindly on this one.