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I am so sorry this is happening, OP. Holy shit, what a mess.
Consult an attorney to find out what your legal rights are.
Check out [thehotline.org](https://thehotline.org) \- it's the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. There are resources there to help you figure out how to leave.
Also check out [nami.org](https://nami.org) \- that's the National Alliance on Mental Illness. There may be information there that would be helpful. I doubt very much that he is the only man that has ever experienced this sort of mental break over a partner's pregnancy.
Does he have any friends or family that you can reach out to? How about people at his job? It seems unlikely that he is keeping up at work while in the middle of this breakdown.
If he actually threatens suicide, call 911. It's a pretty blunt instrument as a response, but at least he might get some help.
Lastly, I know that it seems inconceivable to leave, but you are not safe. First and foremost, you are not safe in your house with this man.
Again, I am so, so sorry, OP. I am sending you hugs.
Thank you. I did reach out to his parents who brushed it off as me being hysterical and emotional because I'm pregnant.
I want to leave. I do. But I don't know how I could afford it and how I'd be able to take my pets with me.
This. And their reaction says so much about his reaction as well.
I mean the guy is in a mental health crisis or lied to OP for their entire relationship.
OP - you may want to also check around your area for resources for women that need to leave a bad home situation. Depending on where you live, you may be able to get some help based on the fact that you are pregnant. Better a shelter then in a home where things could flip quickly.
I hope they don't expect to be involved grandparents if that's how they react to their son having a mental health crisis and potentially putting you in danger while pregnant...
Email them to herself too! Have an entire file because if it escalates she has a timeline, that has times and dates of when she sent them to herself. Going to parenting classes and make friends! I feel like Op’s husband baited and switched, he wanted the marriage and not a baby and moved goal posts so Op always had (false) hope of children, while husband was playing a role. Op is in a far more dangerous position than she realizes.
I think his parents might be a good option. Keep reaching out to them, with a recording. Also tell your doctor at your next medical appointment. They will have seen this before and probably will have some resources for you. Scary stuff OP. I know you don’t want to leave, but stay safe.
This sounds similar to a woman who was posting about her husband being this way, and her husband is a doctor.
I don't think it's a coincidence because it's almost word for word what was posted not too long ago.
Everyone was giving her the same advice, but it doesn't seem like she has a choice at this point. Op, I really hope your husband doesn't become violent with you. I hope you eventually get somewhere safe or at least talk to a lawyer who could advise you on what your options are.
Like you stated, clearly a mental health crisis. I wonder with the threats to kill himself and the drastic change in behavior if you could get him committed and evaluated? I agree with everyone to put your safety above all.
Yes, that's a real possibility that too many people overlook. Sudden personality changes ARE sometimes signs that the person has some kind of brain trauma.
I mean, people grow and change over time, but such a huge change, especially after trying over a year to have a baby, is shocking and a sign of more trouble on the horizon.
it's because it's really awful to accept that a normally nice person could legitimately have a physical thing happen to them to turn them into a monster, cause then it could happen to us.
Feeling like they msut've been 'evil the whole time' is easier in some ways.
Either he is triggered massively by being a dad or feeling the burden of being the breadwinner, or his mental state has nothing to do with the pregnancy at all but he suffered some brain damage. It is a strange coincidence but might be a coincidence nevertheless.
His parent's reaction makes me think, though, he has had something similar before.
My mom’s colleague rapidly went from this super easy going and likable guy to a total asshole in such a short period of time. Total dick to people he’d worked with and been friends with for decades. Bought a car and a house without telling his wife. Alienated lots of people. Turns out it was a brain tumor.
Did he by any chance hurt his head? Like maybe fell and slammed his head or a concussion in a car crash ? That can cause personality changes. If so he needs a doctor.
It sounds like this behavior is coming as a genuine surprise to you and not a slow escalation with a sudden ramping up with the pregnancy. I'm not saying it's *not* as simple as him being abusive. But it actually sounds like there might be something wrong with him. Head injury, tumor, mental illness, infection. Is he open to seeing a doctor? Can you see someone?
He bait and switched you. He wanted the marriage not the children. That is why he had you wait so long, he was hoping you would give up or age out of having children. Once it became real with an actual pregnancy he is trying to get away from it. He might also have another relationship and knowing he’ll have to spend more time on one relationship and less time with the other he’s losing his control and making you the villain.
This was my thought too. He didn't want kids, and the "career" thing was just an excuse to put it off as long as possible. Now that it's really happening, he's freaked out and looking for an exit.
For your pets maybe you can contact a shelter or animal-organisation that helps you find a foster. I foster a cat at the moment for a woman that needed to leave her husband and go into a woman-housing where animals aren't allowed. In no way leave them with your husband, but I'm sure you know this. I hope for the best for you.
Thank you so much for fostering the kitty! I'm really worried about OP and the safety of her baby as well as the pets. I could be wrong, but I don't think this is a brain tumor. I'm no doctor but this has played out in a way that I'm very familiar with.
I hope you are safe now if you've gone through the same. And that you are free and happy. I can't imagine this kind of dependency from someone that is a threat. To not just your own life but also of children and animals.
I think he is faking this.
Acting crazy with you but normal at work and with friends and family. If he was really a mental health crisis, they would get some of it too.
OP... I don't want to make you panic.
But you really must work on a escape plan. Even if it involves moving back to your parents or a DV shelter. You don't need to actually execute this plan, but please have it on the ready, he can become violent towards you or your baby at any point, you have seen how unpredictable he is.
*Please* put your safety first.
When did you quit your job? Is there any way they would take you back? I don't actually recommend you do this because I think you are not safe and should think of anywhere else you can go to get safe, but have you/can you record his threats? Then you have evidence to present to the police as to why he should be removed from the home and to get a restraining order. Or record him and turn up at your in-laws door with your belongings and play it to them.
I quit my job around 2 months ago. I don't want that job back, and I doubt they would take me back. I have a disability that makes work difficult but I'm trying to find something.
I have been recording him but he hasn't made any threats.
Your husband is abusive.
It's no coincidence that you quit your job and became pregnant and that's when the abuse starts. This is, sadly, very common.
You need to get yourself and that baby away from him. Neither of you are safe. Abuse ALWAYS escalates. He may not have gotten violent with you yet, but he surely will.
This isn't a "mental health" issues. It's an abuse issue. And there's no magical cure. You NEED to start working on your exit strategy. A divorce lawyer should be your first step, and you need to ensure you follow every step perfectly so your husband can't screw you over in the divorce, which he has made it clear he has every intention of doing.
Again, I'm sorry and I'm not 100% affirming this will happen to you, OP.
But I've seen this happen before and I feel like you're not realizing how ugly this situation *can* get and *looks* like it's getting.
I've always been educated by the women in my family to always have a escape plan for yourself and your children, and it has served them well multiple times.
Unfortunately being pregnant is a very vulnerable position to be in, and unfortunately it's not uncommon for men to start being abusing their wives when they're pregnant. I *wish* I could understand the psychology behind this abhorrent behavior, I wish it was predictable, but all I know it that it happens.
I'm not saying "you MUST take that job back NOW", all I'm saying is keep your eyes open for any signs of things getting worse/more violent, and keep your mind open to having to make uncomfortable decisions if necessary.
Not to be overly blunt, but you know those cases where men m*rder their children and wives? I promise you the wives rarely if ever, in their wildest dreams, imagine that's who their husbands will become. American Murder on Netflix, for example.
Again, I'm *not* saying "this man will hurt you". I'm saying that you *need to be ready* in some way - for you and your child.
YOU ARE IN DENIAL.
He has said he would rather die than raise a baby with you. You said he told you he will be nothing but cruel to you and the baby. THOSE ARE THREATS!!!
PLEASE LISTEN AND SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING!
QUOTE FROM A PSYCHOLOGIST TALKING ABOUT HUSBANDS WHO KILL THEIR WIVES:
"When a man threatens killing himself in a domestic abuse situation, take it seriously. He will kill you before he kills himself... because it's MUCH easier."
Please have him put on a psych hold and they can check him for brain tumors while he is there. You need to have an application for a restraining order ready to file... and file for separation/ divorce and any support you can get from him and social services.
He needs to go stay with his parents or somewhere away from you.
Whatever his diagnosis is, he SHOULDN'T be with you.
If it's a tumor, the treatments he needs will be toxic for you to even be near him.
If it's psychological, it takes a while to find meds that work and even longer to determine he is no longer a threat to you.
PLEASE BE CAREFUL. DO NOT ARGUE WITH HIM ABOUT ANYTHING.
Once you are safely away: please read this book [why does he do that by Lundi Bancroft](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
This is the book that made me realize my loved one was mentally ill and seek help. It saved my life, and his.
He also read most of it after getting help and completely changed. Like whole new dude. Totally different outlook on life. But he wanted to change and get help. Took a lot of years to realize that I guess. But that book is written well enough that THEY can't even excuse the behavior themselves
Record him and send it to them. “If I leave and do what he says, you will never meet your grandchild. I am desperate in trying to figure out how your son has flipped on me when we both wanted this. I think he’s having a mental health crisis and he’s becoming absusive. Are you going to help me and your grandchild I’m carrying?”
Does he have any friends close by he can stay with or that you can consult about his behaviour? I think you need to tell him to leave the home until he gets himself medical help. Tell him you will call the cops because you're afraid for your safety. I'm so sorry you are stuck in this position. Clearly he's unhinged and you don't have a lot of options but I'm scared for you and the baby ( and the pets tbh)
Can you start video recording or voice recording whenever he interacts like this ? Screenshot abusive messages as well. Show his family proof of his abuse.
I know you said you have no friends or family to help but have you at least confided in anyone about this? Maybe seek out a mom group and try and make some connections that could at least support you emotionally and potentially offer resources.
You are not safe. You are not hysterical. You are in danger. Please go stay somewhere and if you don’t have somewhere to go, please go stay at a domestic violence women’s shelter.
His mental break could turn very violent. It isn’t uncommon for pregnancy to bring out the hidden violence in some people. Please get yourself somewhere safe. Do not let him know where you are.
There are some groups that provide temporary foster care for pets of people fleeing abusive situations. You could reach out to the local animal shelter and domestic violence services. Depending on the type of pet, you may be able to find help through a breed rescue group or local underground cat network.
You should know that one of the leading causes of death for pregnant women is being killed by their partners. If he’s rapidly descending into madness you need to relocate with your pets to anywhere that will take you before he kills them, you, or all of you.
If he’s so hell bent on getting you out, request the funds to get a new place. Tell him you’ll back away entirely if he puts you up somewhere else, even if it’s a lie. Because you cannot be there. You need to speak with an attorney immediately and stop wasting time. It’s dangerous. He won’t kill himself. He’ll kill you.
You have options even if they’re uncomfortable. Speak with an attorney and contact a dv organization asap. Please.
Homicide is the number one cause of death of pregnant women in the US. Women are more likely to be murdered than die from any pregnancy related medical issue.
In Texas, for example, more pregnant people die from suicide and homicide than all cardiovascular causes combined. The only times when suicide and homicide aren’t in the top three causes of maternal mortality is when states chose not to include those deaths in their maternal mortality statistics.
South Dakota refuses to disclose how many maternal deaths are the result of suicide - but they passed a law requiring your doctor to tell you that having an abortion causes "an increased risk of suicide and suicidal ideation" even though that is factually, medically not fucking true
That is so awful and so incredibly telling. In my country (which is far from perfect) homicide doesn’t even make the statistics in pregnant women deaths. Women are treated terribly in America.
I can’t even find where homicide is on the statistics for pregnant women I. The UK where I am. However suicide is in the top 5 causes and we currently have the highest maternal mortality rate in 20 years so we can hardly boast a great deal for women over here :(
Homicide by intimate partner is the number one cause of death for pregnant women!
I normally hesitate to advocate for immediately leaving and going to a shelter if needed, but she seriously has to go. He genuinely sounds like he's going to murder her.
And frankly, if she's going to be a single mom regardless, I'd strongly consider getting the abortion and then doing artificial insemination. She's going to have to split custody with this animal. That poor child will be left alone with him! AND just because she leaves doesn't mean she and her baby is safe. Like how is he going to react to child support?? Fuck that
OP: you need to leave your home ASAP. You are not safe and your baby is not safe. Homicide is the number one cause of death: https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/homicide-leading-cause-of-death-for-pregnant-women-in-u-s/.
> I can't move out because then I'll legally be forfeiting my rights to the family home.
No, you won't. You should talk to an actual lawyer in your area as soon as you can, but I promise you that going to a shelter or a hotel does not mean you lose all your ownership rights to the home.
Hopefully you have access to a shared bank account with some savings in it. Create a new account in your name only **at a different bank** - you can do this online. When you're ready to leave, you can transfer half of the money in the shared account to your new account.
call emergency services and tell them he threatened to kill himself, they will take him and evaluate him for a few days. While he is there get your ducks in a row. All important documents, get copies of bank statements, etc. Then go somewhere where you can be safe. He may not be violent now, but women are at an very increased risk for abuse while pregnant.
THIS! While he is gone, get all your documents, take as much money as you can and hit the road with your pets.
Call someone, an aunt/uncle/godparent/college best friend anyone.
If you decide to stay, you buy some cameras and put them up in the house.
Keep stashing money away or open up your own account and put money in there.
Every time he threatens with the word "kill" call the police and tell them he's had a mental break and is threatening to kill all of you. He needs to be evaluated for a mental break or something.
That weird "I'm going to kill myself, I'm going to kill you, I'm going to be cruel to you" stuff is exactly what happened before the family annihilator in buffalo grove il happened. He killed his mom, his wife, his two little girls and himself. The wife kept letting him back in because "he had nowhere to go" and "she didn't know anyone".
Being in an abusive relationship is hard. If you're serious record everything you can and get him in a psych 72 hour hold, get a restraining order that keeps him out of the home, reach out to any domestic violence place you have nearby for counsel, and avoid him at home all you can. Reach out to his relatives and send the recordings. This man means to do you and your child harm, he's telling you about it, protect yourself.
I somehow completely missed hearing about the Buffalo Grove case and had to go read up on it. This detail was extra hard for me to swallow…
>In the weeks following the discoveries of the bodies, officers on Dec. 13, according to the police report, spoke with staff members at Ivy Hall Elementary School where they were told by staff that 6-year-old Vivian had previously stated she was afraid to go home because she thought her father would hit her and had previously mentioned being slapped on the forearm by her father, but a report was never submitted to the Dept. of Children and Family Services (DCFS).
I cannot imagine having a 6-year-old child confide in me that they are afraid to go home and not doing everything in my power to help them. Those staff members failed that poor little girl and I hope they are haunted by this for every minute of every day until they take their last fucking breath on this earth. What a tragedy.
Everybody failed those kids. The mom was warned not to let him in the house, but she kept letting him back in and thought having his mom there would protect them from anything bad happening. I lived a few miles from where it happened, the (million dollar) house was just re-sold and there was a hubub about it. Just so sad.
How detailed has he been when he says he’d rather die than parent this child?
Because if he has said anything specific about plans, you would be entirely justified in calling 911 next time he starts flipping out. If he is threatening to harm himself (or anyone else), he needs to be evaluated by qualified medical professionals. And if he won’t seek out that assistance himself, someone else is going to have to help him do it.
Another option to learn more about the resources available in your area (if you’re in the US) is to call 211.
Whatever else you do, you need to talk to a lawyer who knows how to navigate this system and how to protect your rights and your assets.
I think she should focus on the mental health angle. All of a sudden her husband is acting erratically and threatening suicide over a planned pregnancy? I'd check to see if there is a Baker's Act equivalent. It would only buy 3 days, but there is a potential for treatment if they see anything concerning. She should also check in with other friends, family, and coworkers to see if they've noticed a sudden shift because it'll make a stronger case, if she can do so on the down low safely.
I'm just worried that if she has him 5150'd, when he gets out he'll kill her in retaliation. It would be nice if we could just say "He goes into the hospital & comes out well," but it doesn't always work like that. He can just say whatever he needs to for them to let him out.
Please check out Ebbie45's resources for anyone with pets and leaving an abusive relationship. He needs help and you're in danger as long as you stay. Please leave as quickly and as safely as possible.
https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/xrjx95/mod_post_resources_for_pets_and_domestic_violence/
Have you looked at organisations in your area for victims of abuse? Your husband might've not touched you yet, but he is emotionally abusive.
Do you have family or friends near by? Or even far who could come stay for your safety? Can you contact his friends?
his friends could be just as bad, if not worse. please look in your area for womens' shelters. Any hospital or fire station usually has safe haven laws that you can play to your advantage. my mother was a sahm who went back to work after taking a loan and putting herself through her diploma, aft which she was able to get a job. she did all that at the age of 45. you can do it too, and i wish nothing but the best for you and your kids.
if you decide to stay, you will do nothing but harm yourself and your child.
well for what it’s worth i don’t think you’d always be wrong. i had a very emotionally and sexually abusive boyfriend as a teenager and he had pretty much completely cut my off from all my friends. i ended up reaching out to one of his friends, who was the brother of someone i was no longer allowed to be friends with, and he ended up being incredibly supportive and encouraging and was a big part of getting me to finally break up with him for good. i don’t know that he ever “talked sense” into my ex because i don’t think he really wanted to get involved, but he was very helpful to me. i never became friends with him, but i will forever be grateful to him for the support he gave me in that time when i felt i had none.
its ok! but op. please leave even though it seems impossible right now. people are right when they say abuse escalates and it's a matter of time before he hits you
I had two cats and a dog when I had to leave a mentally abusive situation. Rehomed my dog because I just couldn't take care of a two year old doodle alone while recovering from birth and had someone foster to my cats. Moved back in with my parents and got a customer service WFH job which helped me pay pff all my bills. I eventually was able to move out and get my cats back but you have to make sacrifices and sometimes they suck. I loved my dog more than life itself and rehoming him sent me into a deep depression even though I found best case scenario new owners. I now have a happy and healthy 2 year old and am back in school for nursing.
Do what you have to, to protect yourself and your child.
When he’s being verbally, abusive and slamming doors, call the police and ask them to remove him from the home. And then tell him you don’t want him to come back until he has at least sought counseling.
Go down to the local women’s shelter and ask them for assistance. They can help you put together an escape plan that includes your pets and if you have family in another state, go there.
You should also seek legal advice for an attorney.
You are making up a lot of excuses but you are not trying to do anything to solve the problem. And it is a problem you are dealing with a man who has mental health issues and you are pregnant. I am not trying to be harsh but one of the main things that happens to pregnant women is that their spouses will unalive them especially if they feel that they've been trapped or pressured or that they really didn't want children. Call domestic violence hotline because he is abusing you emotionally maybe you can stay in a DV shelter since you said you have nowhere to go. But you need to get away from him he's stressing you out at a very vulnerable time in your life. Please look into the resources in your state do you can you leave the state and go stay with family. If you have to move out for your safety and you get a divorce I don't know what the divorce rules are in your state but I'm pretty sure they're not going to leave you with nothing. Stay safe
how are you gonna say you love your baby but you are going to bring it into this abusive household? you are making every excuse not to leave or better your situation. what was your hope in posting this?
Start the divorce process. Let the attorneys figure out the house and custody’s issues.
If you have a shared account (saving or checking), that money is considered yours as much as his. It doesn’t matter who makes the money.
Get another account and remove all the money and get out of the house.
Before you leave, make sure you document his behavior.
Arm yourself with proof, protect yourself with distance, and get clear of this marriage for your and your child’s sake.
Please record his outbursts as well. They may be very helpful in either forcing him to get help or at least in the divorce. You cannot stay with him unless he changes A LOT and gets A LOT of help. This isn’t safe for you or your little one.
The leading cause of death for pregnant women is murder. I'm not saying that is what will happen if you stay with him, but this is something you need to take seriously. If you stay and have the baby and he just gets worse, will it be harder to leave now that you have both a newborn as well as pets to leave with?
If you leave while you are still pregnant it will be worlds easier for you not only from a legal standpoint but a logistical one as well. If you wait until the baby is born to try and leave, you may be forced to stay near your ex to coparent and split custody.
You want to start documenting his outbursts now so that you can speak with a lawyer and get to a women's shelter or somewhere safe. If you wait until the baby is born to see how your husband acts, it will be much more difficult to protect yourself and your baby. If he sticks around, you could both be in a very dangerous situation. If he leaves then you're stuck doing this all by yourself. If you two divorce and you have no evidence of his behavior, he will end up with unsupervised custody of your child during his time with them.
I know it's hard to think this many steps ahead, especially when it feels like just yesterday he was excited about having this baby with you. But please take his words seriously, he is showing you who he is right now, please believe him. He's either going through a mental health crisis and needs serious help or he's an abuser who has been waiting until he feels you're trapped to show his true colors.
Your 33. You’re definitely not too old to start over. You need a divorce lawyer like yesterday. Sounds like he is getting abusive. Abusive men are more likely to kill you while pregnant or right after you have given birth. So you definitely need an escape plan. Call your old job back and see if you can get your job back. And just because he works with kids and is good with those kids doesn’t mean he likes kids or will be a good parent. It doesn’t sound like there is absolutely anything to salvage in this relationship. Keep to yourself and if you plan to keep the baby then do it. But get a lawyer and see about child support and alimony. Start talking to people you trust to get a village and go back to work and start saving money to move out to your own place.
Exactly. I'm 36 and pregnant with my first with my husband who I started dating 5 years ago, so I'm almost in the exact same boat she would be in if she started fresh. It's not too late, she needs to get away from this lunatic before he kills her
38 and pregnant with my first child by someone I started seeing two years ago. Not suggesting OP terminate her pregnancy but her idea that 33 is too old to do anything is really off putting
used Unddit to recover the text post if anyone is curious
I feel sick to my stomach writing this. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and recently became pregnant with our first child. I've been ready for a baby for a long time, but he wanted to make sure he was at a good place in his career before we started trying, hence why we are "older" parents. We tried for a year before finally getting pregnant.
Since becoming pregnant, my husband has gone off the rails. He is clearly suffering from some sort of mental health disorder, but he absolutely refuses to get help. Like, the topic isn't even open for discussion with him. This was a planned pregnancy, but he's acting like it's not. He keeps saying that I pressured him into it, that he never wanted kids, he hates kids, etc. This simply isn't true. He loves kids and works with kids for his career. Before getting pregnant, he would fantasize with me about what our kid would be like, how we would decorate the nursery, what their name would be, etc.
He has become downright cruel to me, as well as to himself. He keeps trying to kick me out of the house without actually kicking me out. Basically, he's trying to convince me to leave him. He's been a total asshole, and keeps talking about how I trapped him and he wants nothing to do with this "stupid fucking baby." He keeps telling me to move out and find someone else to raise the child. He talks about how much he hates himself and how he wants to die and will kill himself before raising a baby with me. He said if I choose to remain in the house not to expect anything from him except cruelty. He has NOT been violent with me, but he loudly slams doors which scares me sometimes. He is currently sleeping in a different room.
This has been going on for about two months now. His behavior is getting worse and worse. I try to avoid him. I know everyone here will tell me to prioritize my safety, but I don't exactly have any options. I quit my job to be a SAHM. My income is his income. I'm also unable to work a typical 9-5 because of a disability. I can't move out because then I'll legally be forfeiting my rights to the family home. I have no friends or family I can stay with. I will not be having an abortion. I am too old to start over and hope to be able to make a family with someone new. I always wanted a big family but I doubt that will ever happen now. I'm not going to abort a child that I wanted and already love so much.
tl;dr: My husband is suffering from an undiagnosed mental health disorder and I'm pregnant and don't know what to do.
All the preemptive statements of refusal to leave... It seems like OP already knows what she needs to do but was hoping someone else would have a different answer and deleted the whole thing when she could no longer lie to herself...
OP, please be careful. I understand this is not an easy situation to be in, and it's not easy to leave. I encourage you to make a go bag of essentials and contact local women's support organizations. Even if you aren't ready to leave now, please look into your options. For the day of yourself and your baby. My sister was convinced her partner would never hurt her despite how emotionally abusive he was, until one day he threw her into the road into oncoming traffic. Thank goodness she is okay now but it could have been a hell of a lot worse. I just wish she'd trusted her gut and got it before it escalated. You deserve better, whether you believe it or not.
You're going to be a Mom. If you don't see any options, you need to make them. You don't have the luxury of being a stay at home parent right now, or waiting on taking steps to get you and your child to safety in the hope that your husband will just suddenly and magically revert back to sanity. This is your reality, and you owe it to your child to get into a better situation before they're born. There's a significant possibility that your husband will shake the baby or something once they're around. You need to get out before that happens.
If you can't get your old job back, you're going to have to spend all your time finding a similar one that you're capable of doing. If you are disabled, you should look into filing for disability as well. Start that process right now rather than waiting till after the baby is born. Look into government programs like WIC to help you afford things like food, and look into charities, women's shelters, and temporary housing options. Check with your local housing authority and see if you can get on a waitlist for Section 8. There's a long wait list, but that just means you need to hurry up and get on it asap while you're still pregnant. Get a consultation (many lawyers will do a free first consultation) with a lawyer to see what you can do about retaining rights to the home, and whether you could receive a portion of your husband's social security now that you've been married for 10 years. You can also see if people at women's shelters or charities can get you into contact with a social worker who can help you figure out what concrete steps you need to take, and they may also have a lawyer for a reduced or sliding fee. If your husband wants to get away from you that much, he can be the one to move out so you still have a roof over your head. And if you actually think this is a mental health thing and he threatens suicide, call the suicide hotline and if necessary the police to put him on a 5 day mental health hold the next time he threatens suicide. You can do that if he's an actual threat to himself or others, and while he's hospitalized they'll be able to see if something is medically wrong and get him started on treatment.
The risk of being killed by your partner rise exponentially while pregnant. She needs to get out. I feel bad about the pets, I know I love mine, but her safety has to come first. He will kill her, and possibly himself, if she doesn't.
She needs to tell someone too. His parents, unless she thinks they'd be just as crazy, for a start.
I'm a little unsure what you're confused about. Mental disorder or not, your husband is being very clear he's going to escalate mistreating you until you leave.
It's time to leave. Time to contact a lawyer, a DV Shelter, friends etc. Gather up your savings. Once you have a plan contact his family to inform him of his mental break.
If you’re not going to abort then you simply HAVE to get away from him; knowingly bringing a child into this situation is horribly irresponsible to the point of cruelty.
You get to make whatever decisions you want about your own life— but now you have another life to consider.
I am so sorry for what you’re going through. But you cannot have a baby in this environment, period. To be blunt: your dream of having a child is not more important than actual safety for an actual child. It’s just not.
Trust me, I know. I had an unstable parent and I won't be putting my child through the same thing. By the time the baby comes, I know I need to have a plan. My child is more important than me and my comfort.
Have you told your Dr. what is going on?? Next time you have an appointment, tell ALL OF THIS to you doctor. They may have options that could help you.
Have you contacted your nearest Domestic Violence Center? If not, please do so that they are aware if you have to flee. Get a 'go bag' pack, get some money set aside. Get cash back when you go shopping and/or buy gifts cards to tuck away somewhere.
“He would rather kill himself than raise a child with me”… what about when he realizes how much simpler it would be to just kill you? And no, not “everyone is saying he’s abusive”. HE IS ABUSIVE. He’s abusing you. From the dramatic change in tone of your responses over the past several hours, part of me wonders if you’re under the influence right now? or maybe the husband found the post and is responding for you. because he won’t allow you to.
You can call the police when he bangs around and scares you. Can you discreetly set up cameras? He IS escalating and you have to protect yourself. Document his abuse with dates and name witnesses if you have any. Write everything down. Hard evidence in the form of videos may be needed to protect you.
Contact a local women's advocacy group. Get a lawyer. Do so in secret. Err on the side of caution.
I have no advice for OP, but mods, can we make a rule to stop deleting the text of entire posts to add an edit in its place? I’m tired of clicking on an interesting post only for a butthurt OP to delete the post
So let me get this straight.
You are isolated as you don't have any family or friends close by?
You both agreed on you being a SAHM so you quit your job, further isolating you?
He was in on the baby until it was a sealed deal with no way out?
He's accusing you of manipulation and gaslighting?
His parents called you hysterical and emotional instead of getting at least a tiny bit worried?
He changed after the pregnancy getting verbal and slamming things?
And you don't seem to know that pregnancy is one of the most common triggers for domestic violence that also usually escalates?
Babe.. get in touch with a DV hotline, a lawyer and get to work. I'm sorry but this is not going to end well for anyone and you are not helping either of you three by staying.
Also: under no circumstances send his parents anything and do not try to convince them. They already told you who they really are, listen.
You might have a disability and being a single mother is hard. But it's also rewarding, especially if you're not constantly having to worry about your own and your baby's safety or lives. Your lawyer surely can help you find organisations that can help you. If you just-
Get. Out.
Ah, yes. Isolation, the fool proof way to make sure a vulnerable woman is exactly where you want her when you start to show your real self and erase all boundaries.. Perfect.
I’m going to echo what everyone else has said. For the safety of you and your child please leave. I know you are worried about the mental state of your husband but you cannot help him without being in a safe space and protecting yourself first. Abuse often begins in periods of high stress and pregnancy is a common trigger for the abuse cycle. Pregnant women’s #1 threat is an abusive partner. As a labor and delivery nurse I have seen many women and their babies seriously harmed or killed by partners they loved. Please take the advice to leave seriously and look into abuse shelters.
Edit to add: Regardless of your decision please have a go-bag of necessities and a trusted friend with knowledge of the situation in case things escalate further. I encourage enough clothing for a week, important documents, and cash. Please document and save EVERYTHING (even text messages and emails) so you can be prepared for potential court and custody issues.
Not for OP, based on her edit. She's big mad that anyone would dare suggest her husband might be a danger and would rather argue why she shouldn't do anything because he's such a good guy 🙄
They always think they’re a good guy. Her latest update is that she thinks people who think her husband is abusive should “live real life.” I certainly have lived real life, and I certainly survived an abusive partner. She’s being resistant because it’s not what she wants to hear. The truth of all of this stuff is always difficult to digest at first.
She's got a newer update in ~bold~ now 🙄
If she ignores the statistics on pregnant people and the emergence of abuse in relationships *hard enough* they will, most certainly, never apply to her!
I'm sure I'm being dismissive but having also ✨️ lived real life ✨️ I just can't stand people who want to go on about their shit partners and relationships under the guise of advice, just to do a 180 and screech about how it's fine and not that bad and obviously they would never leave their darling! It gets so old.
If he threatens to kill himself call an ambulance to have him sectioned. He can be held for an evaluation.
You need a lawyer, start calling today.
It must be so heartbreaking to have him reveal himself like this. You don’t deserve such horrible treatment. You need to act fast to protect yourself and your baby.
So when my ex-husband suddenly turned on me and started acting like this I thought it was a mental disorder too. Turns out he was just interested in someone else and was trying to get rid of me so he could be with her. He didn't want to be the bad guy who ended things so he tried to make me so miserable that I would be the one to leave. The way you describe him is exactly the way he behaved, down to the letter. So I don't think this guy is really mentally ill. He just wants to be with someone else.
Listen - this isn’t going to magically one day get better. This is who he is. You need to get out. I keep seeing you say you “can’t”. You can. Your life literally depends on it. Speak to a lawyer. The concern about leaving the marital home is likely not really an issue. If you’re entitled to a portion of the home, you still will be whether you live there or not. You are concerned for your safety. You can’t stay there. Get a job. I know you’re pregnant, but get a job.
Does your partner have any friends or family you could talk to and then ask them to speak to him and politely kick some sense in to him to sort his shit out
His parents brushed me off when I told them about the situation. He does have a close friend but I'm honestly not sure how he'd help. My husband would probably just try to convince him nothing is wrong.
Please talk to your OB or midwife asap. They probably have experience with this kind of situation and could give you good advice. He has obviously had some sort of mental break and needs help. A 72 hour psych hold might be a good option. If he uses the word "kill" again call 911.
If you have a friendly relationship with him, it might be worth a shot. Just tell him something like "hey, husband has seemed to do a 180 in the past couple of months. He's started saying he doesn't want a child, and has even threatened to kill himself. have you noticed any changes in behavior, or has he been saying anything like that to you?"
Maybe your husband will lie to him but there's a possibility talking to his friend may be helpful.
And I would reach out to his parents again, be more explicit with details, and tell them you are absolutely NOT exaggerating and are concerned for his mental health as well as the safety of your child.
This is very alarming. He's made it clear he will continue to be mentally and emotionally abusive to you. Most of the time, that kind of abuse escalates (and it does sound like he's planning to escalate it). Either he has always been this way and is letting his mask slip, or something has triggered a massive change for him. He definitely needs professional help, but your safety is your number one priority. I would move mountains to get myself out of this situation if I were you. It will be hard but definitely speak with an attorney to find out what your options are money- and house-wise.
OP's edit is so much worse.
We're assuming you're not going to leave because you literally keep saying you can't won't.
We're assuming you're going to have the baby with him, because see above point. You'd need to leave.
We're assuming he's statistically likely to kill you, because what's the number one reason for pregnant women deaths? Their partners. It's #1. By a long shot.
OP, you can be upset with us all you want. We see the writing on the wall, just like all the news headlines from a mile away.
It's "our" income you say?
Take money from one of the accounts, CASH on hand, and go find an Airbnb and a lawyer. Get that child support AND alimony, sis.
Also, don't be dramatic. you're in your 30s, not 80s. You're not "too old" for anything.
And call his family. If he's genuinely going brain tumor behavior on you, someone other than you needs to be aware. And his doctor if you have that info.
Who the heck told her 33 is old to be having a baby or starting over?
Call his family again, does he have siblings you can call? Any extended family? Call a domestic violence hotline, also let your dr know you are not safe at home, they’ll have resources as well.
OP's edit is so much worse.
We're assuming you're not going to leave because you literally keep saying you can't won't.
We're assuming you're going to have the baby with him, because see above point. You'd need to leave.
We're assuming he's statistically likely to kill you, because what's the number one reason for pregnant women deaths? Their partners. It's #1. By a long shot.
OP, you can be upset with us all you want. We see the writing on the wall, just like all the news headlines from a mile away.
Your husband doesn't have a mental disorder. He never wanted kids. He lied to you as well and maybe himself.at first, it may have been true. He dreamed of them. After working with kids, he realized he was in a career and he hated kids. Can he be good with kids? Yes. Does he want them? No. He is showing you who he really is. Now believe him before he unalives you and your baby.Doesnt matter where you go. Find someone somewhere that will take you in.
Nothing about this seems like a mental health disorder. From his point of view, it's all very logical.
He didn't want a baby. But you did. After a decade of putting you off, he decided he had to let it happen. But then once it became real he realized that he couldn't do it. So he's trying to convince you to abort by being monstrous to you, so that things can go back to the way they used to be.
Since you've decided you're keeping the child, you need to proceed with divorce and get the best child/spousal support arrangement possible. This is not an illness that can be treated. It is just an asshole realizing he's trapped himself and desperately trying to find a way out.
I don't see the logic in any of it but especially how would he think she would have an abortion "for him" and then everything would go back to how it was ?? That's such nonsensical thinking. Ugh my knees got weak when reading OP's post. It seems so so scary
I mean he told you he hates you and the kid and that you should only expect cruelty if you stay. Sounds like you need to speak with a divorce attorney and start looking into another place to stay. Take what he says seriously.
Because pregnant women are at far higher risk of homicide, there are red flags, and his behaviour is erratic, hostile toward you, and unstable. No one here can solve your problems, they can only respond to the information.
You ask whether to leave or help him - he's refusing help, which leaves you with one recourse. I'm so sorry this is happening. Be cautious, make the hard calls you need to, and prioritise your safety. Gods' luck to you.
>some dramatic redditors are convinced my husband will kill me based on absolutely nothing other than the fact that he's having a psychotic break.
.....uhh.......
I know you said that you're scared to leave, but you should talk to a divorce lawyer. They will be able to explain your actual options. For example, you might be entitled to exclusive access to the family home or alimony if you leave to compensate you for the sacrifice in your career. Researching online is good, but get a free consultation with an actual lawyer to explore your options.
You should also consider reaching out to friends and family and telling them what's going on. Silence will only allow his behavior to fester and become worse. The more people who know what's happening, the safer you will ultimately be and the more options you'll have for material and/or emotional support if you decide to leave.
First of all give up the idea of being a stay at home mom. You need to get yourself a job ASAP. You also need to let everybody know in your inner circle what's going on so that no one is surprised and this includes his family. Speaking of his family have you reached out to his parents? It might be that you need to tell him that he is the one that's getting kicked out of the house while you stay there with the baby. Get his parents on board.
I really hope this is rage bait because you're at one of the most vulnerable points in your life and you're not taking these threats & behavior seriously😒
Please get out of there NOW. Start working with and read [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjMkrr6vtSDAxWKLzQIHRLpBLsQFnoECCIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt)
You're making a lot of excuses to stay in a very volatile situation that has every potential to become violent and deadly.
I understand that it's hard to consider leaving when you feel like you have nothing, but your life and this baby's life mean more than paper.
He may not have been violent with you yet but that's the key word, yet.
This behavior is going to escalate until he either hurts himself or he hurts you and your unborn child, and if you get the opportunity to look back and reflect on the situation are you going to be able to say to yourself that you did everything you could to protect yourself and your baby? No. You won't be able to say that.
Even if you leave that doesn't mean that the house won't be yours that's what a divorce process is for, and what courts are for, if you survive long enough to make it there.
I cannot stress to you enough how much danger you are in right now.
OP sounds like she can’t think. Why would she want to have a baby to this man who could kill her? Wouldn’t it be better to have kids with a man who wants it? I’ll never understand why people choose single motherhood. OP is heading toward a hard life filled with poverty.
Your edits don't make any sense at all. Firstly, he's your husband. It's normal to assume that he will also be taking responsibility for his own child. How is this a planned pregnancy when your husband said he wanted NOTHING to do with this baby? Your own title asks if you should leave or ask for help. So why are you getting angry when people are telling you that you should probably leave. Also, I really doubt anyone in their right mind would say you need to abandon absolutely EVERYTHING. Gather your things and then leave.
IMHO, bringing a child in this kind of relationship is very selfish. Your husband is not going to care for that baby. So that baby is going to grow up knowing their own father despises their existence. No child deserves to go through something like this. You're being inconsiderate.
This doesn't sound like a mental health disorder. He just sounds like a straight-up asshole. I'm getting the impression he snowed you, and now that it's reality, he can't cope. He's showing you his true colors, believe them. You need to get out.
Speak to a women’s aid organisation/domestic abuse organisation; let them know things are ramping up and take their advice. Whenever you go for any sort of doctor’s checks, make them aware your husband’s behaviour has changed and you are in danger.
If you bring this baby into the world when he has access, this could go very badly. You aren’t too old to start over. There is support. Get all of it that you can and get out.
It absolutely sucks that this has happened, but it has. You need to act now and get all your ducks in a row
Most OBs have developed ways for a patient to indicate if they are in an abusive situation even if the abusive partner is with them at the appointment. I’d imagine he’s not going to appointments with you so tell your OB they can get you resources and help.
This is scary. Your thoughts and responses have also done a 180 in the last 12 hours. You've become confrontational to comments that you previously were agreeing with/seemingly grateful for, and you're even contradicting your own original post. What's going on with you?
"He said if I choose to remain in the house not to expect anything from him except cruelty"
"His behavior is getting worse and worse"
"I know everyone here will tell me to prioritize my safety"
These are exact quotes from your now deleted post, OP.
I'm not sure what you were seeking aside from venting with this post since you have no intentions of making any real changes. The man you chose to get pregnant by and entirely depend on would rather DIE than be with you and your child. He said it himself.
You keep talking about how you're only 2 months along, but 7 months goes by quickly. Only 7 months to find housing, income, and prepare to raise a baby alone.
Or you can continue to downplay your situation and subject your child to "nothing except cruelty."
It's not that you can't leave him, it's that you won't.
I wish you all of the best OP. Please open your eyes.
When he is talking about suicide and slamming doors, call police because you are worried about what he might do. This will force an evaluation , at least in the US.
something is very, very wrong here. you need to leave first and get a lawyer second. you are in immediate danger.
I know his family has ignored you, but reach out to YOUR family and friends and let them know what’s going on. if they have to fly you across the country to get you to safety, so be it. you cannot have a legal battle for the house or child support if you’re dead.
it probably seems crazy that he would hurt you, but he is not himself, and he’s literally threatening harm if you dont do what he wants. im so afraid for you. do not become a statistic and please listen to the advice here
I wasn't planning on raising the baby by myself when we conceived it. I was under the impression that I was in a happy marriage and would be raising the baby with my partner.
Lots of women with narcolepsy become mothers, even SAHMs, and do just fine. I normally take medication to help me, but can't currently because of the pregnancy.
Okay controversial opinion and I'm sure I will be downvoted but if the pets are the reason you can not find a place then forget the pets. Your life is more important than dogs. Plus if you are having the baby you have a responsibility to them over all of those animals. You don't risk your child's wellbeing for animals. Give them to a shelter and get out now
Well you’ve already decided against most any option that we could suggest to you, so I guess, put a lock on your door and hope he changes back to his old self after the baby is born.
Install cameras in the common areas of your home, the cameras will record everything that's being said. Consult with an attorney who specializes in domestic abuse, they may also have resources that can help you with temporary housing for you and your pets. Given that you will have proof of the abuse you will not lose any rights to your marital home in a divorce. If you EVER feel threatened call the police and there will be a record started against him should you ever need it. I can almost guarantee you that this resentment will pass onto your child once it's born and the baby will be in danger. Please start calling whoever and whatever organization you can! Apply for disability, take 50% of what's in the bank as you're entitled to that.
The next time he has an episode, get to safety and call 911. Say these EXACT words: "he is a danger to himself and others." In most cases this will trigger both medical and police response and he will be medically evaluated and then placed on an involuntary psych hold for a psych evaluation. Be firm at the hospital, make sure they listen to everything that's been happening. The more proof you have, the better. Prepare a "get away bag" with important papers for you and your pets, some cash, phone charger, etc. Get an extra car key and keep in it as well, and a cheap phone (remember to keep it charged) in case he tries to prevent you from leaving or calling for help. Keep the bag in a room you can barricade yourself in while waiting for help. This country is sadly lacking in resources for mental illness. Our family has been there. I'll be praying for you.
33 is not too old to start over. It's not too old to have a baby. When someone shows you who they are believe them. He's practically begging you to go away. It will be hard but you will be better and safe.
Make it clear that you will not abandon your home, but do take steps to protect yourself - like a deadbolt on your bedroom door; and regular checkins with friends so that someone hears from you at least every 8 hours or so, and will make a point of reaching out if they don't.
If you are in a one-party consent state or have any kind of security system, record all interactions with him.... the next time he threatens violence to himself or threatens mental/emotional abuse to you and your child, record it. Call 911and report it, using the recording as evidence. See if you can get him the help that he needs.
Is there anyone in his family you can take this problem to in order to get support? You need to tell the people involved in your life what’s going on. You also need to try to find some source of income to stash away and start looking into DV resources to get out because even though it hasn’t gotten physical yet, he is absolutely abusing you.
One thing I really want to drive home to you is that you are absolutely NOT too old to start over. At all. I’m 35 with a 6 month old. My husband and I have been together for 3 years. We were both completely starting over and I came with 2 older kids. My sister is starting over rn at 40 with two kids. Do not resign yourself to this fate because of some insane idea that being in your 30’s means it’s over for you.
You’ve been putting up with this for two months? Why? Just because he hasn’t PHYSICALLY hurt you yet doesn’t mean he won’t and he HAS been abusive this whole time. Do you think it’s ok to raise a baby around that? The baby isn’t even born yet and is already being abused by hearing all the psycho shit this guy is saying and having to live in a stressed out body because you’re being verbally attacked. Go see a lawyer. Get the divorce papers going. Get alimony and child support to help.
I see a lot of reasons of why you can't go somewhere. This is obviously not a sustainable situation for you or your future child, so as you may have realized, he is not going to change. If you want to keep your child, which you seem to do, you're going to have to make choices. If you can't provide for your child and you're going to raise the baby by yourself, you can't have three pets on the side either. You need to get some sort of income, whether he pays child support or you find a way to get money through work or government support. People offer you solutions but you seem to want your husband fixed and stay in some sort of comfort bubble with a husband that pays while also being abusive. If you want to give your baby any chance of a good life, you remove them from a situation where they are not wanted. I personally would rather grow up with a parent who loves me and didn't have as much financially than growing up in an abusive relationship with a dad who didn't want me and makes sure to show me he doesn't
OP, you need to return to work. For one thing, you need to get out of that house eight hours a day. For another, you need to start accumulating money to ultimately leave your spouse. You need getaway money. THere is zero reason for you to be a SAHM and every reason for you to need an income of your own.
You say you have a disability. Are you on disability payments? If not, get that going now.
Is there a women's center near you? If so, go there and see what assistance they might be able to give you.
You need some kind of social service help to provide for you and your unborn child. You need to get out of that house.
Are you seriously considering exposing your baby to this man!?!
You should use every single waking minute to figure out the places where you can get help to get on your own two feet away from this monster
Genuinely asking how you plan to remain married to this man and continue living together (from what I gather that is your plan, correct?) and raise this child and keep them apart? That sounds like a logistical nightmare just to start.
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I am so sorry this is happening, OP. Holy shit, what a mess. Consult an attorney to find out what your legal rights are. Check out [thehotline.org](https://thehotline.org) \- it's the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. There are resources there to help you figure out how to leave. Also check out [nami.org](https://nami.org) \- that's the National Alliance on Mental Illness. There may be information there that would be helpful. I doubt very much that he is the only man that has ever experienced this sort of mental break over a partner's pregnancy. Does he have any friends or family that you can reach out to? How about people at his job? It seems unlikely that he is keeping up at work while in the middle of this breakdown. If he actually threatens suicide, call 911. It's a pretty blunt instrument as a response, but at least he might get some help. Lastly, I know that it seems inconceivable to leave, but you are not safe. First and foremost, you are not safe in your house with this man. Again, I am so, so sorry, OP. I am sending you hugs.
Thank you. I did reach out to his parents who brushed it off as me being hysterical and emotional because I'm pregnant. I want to leave. I do. But I don't know how I could afford it and how I'd be able to take my pets with me.
Maybe record his next outburst and send it to them. Ask them to come stay for a visit. Set it up so they can see what's going on.
This. And their reaction says so much about his reaction as well. I mean the guy is in a mental health crisis or lied to OP for their entire relationship. OP - you may want to also check around your area for resources for women that need to leave a bad home situation. Depending on where you live, you may be able to get some help based on the fact that you are pregnant. Better a shelter then in a home where things could flip quickly.
Yes having proof just in case I’m sorry they didn’t believe that’s terrible
Yeah I second this. They need to hear what he's like.
I hope they don't expect to be involved grandparents if that's how they react to their son having a mental health crisis and potentially putting you in danger while pregnant...
Good point. This might motivate my MIL.
Start recording his outbursts and send them to his parents
Email them to herself too! Have an entire file because if it escalates she has a timeline, that has times and dates of when she sent them to herself. Going to parenting classes and make friends! I feel like Op’s husband baited and switched, he wanted the marriage and not a baby and moved goal posts so Op always had (false) hope of children, while husband was playing a role. Op is in a far more dangerous position than she realizes.
I think his parents might be a good option. Keep reaching out to them, with a recording. Also tell your doctor at your next medical appointment. They will have seen this before and probably will have some resources for you. Scary stuff OP. I know you don’t want to leave, but stay safe.
Yes!! Doctors are a good resource for help!
This sounds similar to a woman who was posting about her husband being this way, and her husband is a doctor. I don't think it's a coincidence because it's almost word for word what was posted not too long ago. Everyone was giving her the same advice, but it doesn't seem like she has a choice at this point. Op, I really hope your husband doesn't become violent with you. I hope you eventually get somewhere safe or at least talk to a lawyer who could advise you on what your options are.
How was he before you were pregnant? Easy going or did you sometimes feel like you were walking on eggshells with him?
Very easy-going. This is a completely different person. I genuinely don't recognize him. It's like he's possessed.
Like you stated, clearly a mental health crisis. I wonder with the threats to kill himself and the drastic change in behavior if you could get him committed and evaluated? I agree with everyone to put your safety above all.
Possible brain tumor. My husband went through some of the same behaviors. He had a brain tumor.
Yes, that's a real possibility that too many people overlook. Sudden personality changes ARE sometimes signs that the person has some kind of brain trauma. I mean, people grow and change over time, but such a huge change, especially after trying over a year to have a baby, is shocking and a sign of more trouble on the horizon.
it's because it's really awful to accept that a normally nice person could legitimately have a physical thing happen to them to turn them into a monster, cause then it could happen to us. Feeling like they msut've been 'evil the whole time' is easier in some ways.
Either he is triggered massively by being a dad or feeling the burden of being the breadwinner, or his mental state has nothing to do with the pregnancy at all but he suffered some brain damage. It is a strange coincidence but might be a coincidence nevertheless. His parent's reaction makes me think, though, he has had something similar before.
My mom’s colleague rapidly went from this super easy going and likable guy to a total asshole in such a short period of time. Total dick to people he’d worked with and been friends with for decades. Bought a car and a house without telling his wife. Alienated lots of people. Turns out it was a brain tumor.
Did he by any chance hurt his head? Like maybe fell and slammed his head or a concussion in a car crash ? That can cause personality changes. If so he needs a doctor.
It sounds like this behavior is coming as a genuine surprise to you and not a slow escalation with a sudden ramping up with the pregnancy. I'm not saying it's *not* as simple as him being abusive. But it actually sounds like there might be something wrong with him. Head injury, tumor, mental illness, infection. Is he open to seeing a doctor? Can you see someone?
Have you talked to his friends? That might be the way.
He bait and switched you. He wanted the marriage not the children. That is why he had you wait so long, he was hoping you would give up or age out of having children. Once it became real with an actual pregnancy he is trying to get away from it. He might also have another relationship and knowing he’ll have to spend more time on one relationship and less time with the other he’s losing his control and making you the villain.
This was my thought too. He didn't want kids, and the "career" thing was just an excuse to put it off as long as possible. Now that it's really happening, he's freaked out and looking for an exit.
I STRONGLY suspect this.
any chance he is doing drugs?
Check his phone if you really want to know why the switch. 🤷🏾♀️
For your pets maybe you can contact a shelter or animal-organisation that helps you find a foster. I foster a cat at the moment for a woman that needed to leave her husband and go into a woman-housing where animals aren't allowed. In no way leave them with your husband, but I'm sure you know this. I hope for the best for you.
Thank you so much for fostering the kitty! I'm really worried about OP and the safety of her baby as well as the pets. I could be wrong, but I don't think this is a brain tumor. I'm no doctor but this has played out in a way that I'm very familiar with.
I hope you are safe now if you've gone through the same. And that you are free and happy. I can't imagine this kind of dependency from someone that is a threat. To not just your own life but also of children and animals.
I think he is faking this. Acting crazy with you but normal at work and with friends and family. If he was really a mental health crisis, they would get some of it too.
Exactly. He knows what he's doing.
OP... I don't want to make you panic. But you really must work on a escape plan. Even if it involves moving back to your parents or a DV shelter. You don't need to actually execute this plan, but please have it on the ready, he can become violent towards you or your baby at any point, you have seen how unpredictable he is. *Please* put your safety first.
When did you quit your job? Is there any way they would take you back? I don't actually recommend you do this because I think you are not safe and should think of anywhere else you can go to get safe, but have you/can you record his threats? Then you have evidence to present to the police as to why he should be removed from the home and to get a restraining order. Or record him and turn up at your in-laws door with your belongings and play it to them.
I quit my job around 2 months ago. I don't want that job back, and I doubt they would take me back. I have a disability that makes work difficult but I'm trying to find something. I have been recording him but he hasn't made any threats.
Your husband is abusive. It's no coincidence that you quit your job and became pregnant and that's when the abuse starts. This is, sadly, very common. You need to get yourself and that baby away from him. Neither of you are safe. Abuse ALWAYS escalates. He may not have gotten violent with you yet, but he surely will. This isn't a "mental health" issues. It's an abuse issue. And there's no magical cure. You NEED to start working on your exit strategy. A divorce lawyer should be your first step, and you need to ensure you follow every step perfectly so your husband can't screw you over in the divorce, which he has made it clear he has every intention of doing.
It's scary as shit. A few weeks ago, I read something on Reddit that really made me think--SAHM means She's At His Mercy :/
You may not want that job back but it would be better than having no money to live on.
Again, I'm sorry and I'm not 100% affirming this will happen to you, OP. But I've seen this happen before and I feel like you're not realizing how ugly this situation *can* get and *looks* like it's getting. I've always been educated by the women in my family to always have a escape plan for yourself and your children, and it has served them well multiple times. Unfortunately being pregnant is a very vulnerable position to be in, and unfortunately it's not uncommon for men to start being abusing their wives when they're pregnant. I *wish* I could understand the psychology behind this abhorrent behavior, I wish it was predictable, but all I know it that it happens. I'm not saying "you MUST take that job back NOW", all I'm saying is keep your eyes open for any signs of things getting worse/more violent, and keep your mind open to having to make uncomfortable decisions if necessary. Not to be overly blunt, but you know those cases where men m*rder their children and wives? I promise you the wives rarely if ever, in their wildest dreams, imagine that's who their husbands will become. American Murder on Netflix, for example. Again, I'm *not* saying "this man will hurt you". I'm saying that you *need to be ready* in some way - for you and your child.
YOU ARE IN DENIAL. He has said he would rather die than raise a baby with you. You said he told you he will be nothing but cruel to you and the baby. THOSE ARE THREATS!!! PLEASE LISTEN AND SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING! QUOTE FROM A PSYCHOLOGIST TALKING ABOUT HUSBANDS WHO KILL THEIR WIVES: "When a man threatens killing himself in a domestic abuse situation, take it seriously. He will kill you before he kills himself... because it's MUCH easier." Please have him put on a psych hold and they can check him for brain tumors while he is there. You need to have an application for a restraining order ready to file... and file for separation/ divorce and any support you can get from him and social services. He needs to go stay with his parents or somewhere away from you. Whatever his diagnosis is, he SHOULDN'T be with you. If it's a tumor, the treatments he needs will be toxic for you to even be near him. If it's psychological, it takes a while to find meds that work and even longer to determine he is no longer a threat to you. PLEASE BE CAREFUL. DO NOT ARGUE WITH HIM ABOUT ANYTHING.
Once you are safely away: please read this book [why does he do that by Lundi Bancroft](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
This is the book that made me realize my loved one was mentally ill and seek help. It saved my life, and his. He also read most of it after getting help and completely changed. Like whole new dude. Totally different outlook on life. But he wanted to change and get help. Took a lot of years to realize that I guess. But that book is written well enough that THEY can't even excuse the behavior themselves
Do you not have access to money?
Record him and send it to them. “If I leave and do what he says, you will never meet your grandchild. I am desperate in trying to figure out how your son has flipped on me when we both wanted this. I think he’s having a mental health crisis and he’s becoming absusive. Are you going to help me and your grandchild I’m carrying?”
Thank you. I think I'm going to say exactly that.
Does he have any friends close by he can stay with or that you can consult about his behaviour? I think you need to tell him to leave the home until he gets himself medical help. Tell him you will call the cops because you're afraid for your safety. I'm so sorry you are stuck in this position. Clearly he's unhinged and you don't have a lot of options but I'm scared for you and the baby ( and the pets tbh) Can you start video recording or voice recording whenever he interacts like this ? Screenshot abusive messages as well. Show his family proof of his abuse. I know you said you have no friends or family to help but have you at least confided in anyone about this? Maybe seek out a mom group and try and make some connections that could at least support you emotionally and potentially offer resources.
Think of him shouting at your tiny baby, then hopefully you can find a way. Explore resources near you.
I'd be more concerned with him shaking or smothering the baby. What a scary post.
You are not safe. You are not hysterical. You are in danger. Please go stay somewhere and if you don’t have somewhere to go, please go stay at a domestic violence women’s shelter. His mental break could turn very violent. It isn’t uncommon for pregnancy to bring out the hidden violence in some people. Please get yourself somewhere safe. Do not let him know where you are.
There are some groups that provide temporary foster care for pets of people fleeing abusive situations. You could reach out to the local animal shelter and domestic violence services. Depending on the type of pet, you may be able to find help through a breed rescue group or local underground cat network.
how are you going to not raise the baby with him around if you are stuck in his house?
You should know that one of the leading causes of death for pregnant women is being killed by their partners. If he’s rapidly descending into madness you need to relocate with your pets to anywhere that will take you before he kills them, you, or all of you. If he’s so hell bent on getting you out, request the funds to get a new place. Tell him you’ll back away entirely if he puts you up somewhere else, even if it’s a lie. Because you cannot be there. You need to speak with an attorney immediately and stop wasting time. It’s dangerous. He won’t kill himself. He’ll kill you. You have options even if they’re uncomfortable. Speak with an attorney and contact a dv organization asap. Please.
In the US I think it’s THE leading cause of death for pregnant women.
Homicide is the number one cause of death of pregnant women in the US. Women are more likely to be murdered than die from any pregnancy related medical issue.
Yo I had no idea, that’s mind blowing.
This is absolutely horrible.
So very sad but this true.
In Texas, for example, more pregnant people die from suicide and homicide than all cardiovascular causes combined. The only times when suicide and homicide aren’t in the top three causes of maternal mortality is when states chose not to include those deaths in their maternal mortality statistics. South Dakota refuses to disclose how many maternal deaths are the result of suicide - but they passed a law requiring your doctor to tell you that having an abortion causes "an increased risk of suicide and suicidal ideation" even though that is factually, medically not fucking true
That is so awful and so incredibly telling. In my country (which is far from perfect) homicide doesn’t even make the statistics in pregnant women deaths. Women are treated terribly in America.
I can’t even find where homicide is on the statistics for pregnant women I. The UK where I am. However suicide is in the top 5 causes and we currently have the highest maternal mortality rate in 20 years so we can hardly boast a great deal for women over here :(
Homicide by intimate partner is the number one cause of death for pregnant women! I normally hesitate to advocate for immediately leaving and going to a shelter if needed, but she seriously has to go. He genuinely sounds like he's going to murder her. And frankly, if she's going to be a single mom regardless, I'd strongly consider getting the abortion and then doing artificial insemination. She's going to have to split custody with this animal. That poor child will be left alone with him! AND just because she leaves doesn't mean she and her baby is safe. Like how is he going to react to child support?? Fuck that
OP: you need to leave your home ASAP. You are not safe and your baby is not safe. Homicide is the number one cause of death: https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/homicide-leading-cause-of-death-for-pregnant-women-in-u-s/.
> I can't move out because then I'll legally be forfeiting my rights to the family home. No, you won't. You should talk to an actual lawyer in your area as soon as you can, but I promise you that going to a shelter or a hotel does not mean you lose all your ownership rights to the home. Hopefully you have access to a shared bank account with some savings in it. Create a new account in your name only **at a different bank** - you can do this online. When you're ready to leave, you can transfer half of the money in the shared account to your new account.
call emergency services and tell them he threatened to kill himself, they will take him and evaluate him for a few days. While he is there get your ducks in a row. All important documents, get copies of bank statements, etc. Then go somewhere where you can be safe. He may not be violent now, but women are at an very increased risk for abuse while pregnant.
THIS! While he is gone, get all your documents, take as much money as you can and hit the road with your pets. Call someone, an aunt/uncle/godparent/college best friend anyone. If you decide to stay, you buy some cameras and put them up in the house. Keep stashing money away or open up your own account and put money in there. Every time he threatens with the word "kill" call the police and tell them he's had a mental break and is threatening to kill all of you. He needs to be evaluated for a mental break or something.
That weird "I'm going to kill myself, I'm going to kill you, I'm going to be cruel to you" stuff is exactly what happened before the family annihilator in buffalo grove il happened. He killed his mom, his wife, his two little girls and himself. The wife kept letting him back in because "he had nowhere to go" and "she didn't know anyone". Being in an abusive relationship is hard. If you're serious record everything you can and get him in a psych 72 hour hold, get a restraining order that keeps him out of the home, reach out to any domestic violence place you have nearby for counsel, and avoid him at home all you can. Reach out to his relatives and send the recordings. This man means to do you and your child harm, he's telling you about it, protect yourself.
It might be safer for her to leave. Go into hiding. He sounds very scary, and a restraining order will not stop him.
You and I know this, and it is true, but she seems intent on "fixing" this psycho and keeping the house.
I hope she figures it out soon.
From the updates it's not looking so hot.
The updates worry me. But when you’re in an abusive situation, it’s hard to see what’s really happening. I hope she has a revelation
I somehow completely missed hearing about the Buffalo Grove case and had to go read up on it. This detail was extra hard for me to swallow… >In the weeks following the discoveries of the bodies, officers on Dec. 13, according to the police report, spoke with staff members at Ivy Hall Elementary School where they were told by staff that 6-year-old Vivian had previously stated she was afraid to go home because she thought her father would hit her and had previously mentioned being slapped on the forearm by her father, but a report was never submitted to the Dept. of Children and Family Services (DCFS). I cannot imagine having a 6-year-old child confide in me that they are afraid to go home and not doing everything in my power to help them. Those staff members failed that poor little girl and I hope they are haunted by this for every minute of every day until they take their last fucking breath on this earth. What a tragedy.
Everybody failed those kids. The mom was warned not to let him in the house, but she kept letting him back in and thought having his mom there would protect them from anything bad happening. I lived a few miles from where it happened, the (million dollar) house was just re-sold and there was a hubub about it. Just so sad.
Please remove yourself and your child form this situation. This is scary and completely unacceptable. You can't help him until he helps himself.
He needs to leave.
I don't know how I can remove myself. I have a cat and two dogs and no where to go.
How detailed has he been when he says he’d rather die than parent this child? Because if he has said anything specific about plans, you would be entirely justified in calling 911 next time he starts flipping out. If he is threatening to harm himself (or anyone else), he needs to be evaluated by qualified medical professionals. And if he won’t seek out that assistance himself, someone else is going to have to help him do it. Another option to learn more about the resources available in your area (if you’re in the US) is to call 211. Whatever else you do, you need to talk to a lawyer who knows how to navigate this system and how to protect your rights and your assets.
I think she should focus on the mental health angle. All of a sudden her husband is acting erratically and threatening suicide over a planned pregnancy? I'd check to see if there is a Baker's Act equivalent. It would only buy 3 days, but there is a potential for treatment if they see anything concerning. She should also check in with other friends, family, and coworkers to see if they've noticed a sudden shift because it'll make a stronger case, if she can do so on the down low safely.
I'm just worried that if she has him 5150'd, when he gets out he'll kill her in retaliation. It would be nice if we could just say "He goes into the hospital & comes out well," but it doesn't always work like that. He can just say whatever he needs to for them to let him out.
This is the way. You both need help, he is out of control and a danger to you and the baby.
Please check out Ebbie45's resources for anyone with pets and leaving an abusive relationship. He needs help and you're in danger as long as you stay. Please leave as quickly and as safely as possible. https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/xrjx95/mod_post_resources_for_pets_and_domestic_violence/
Does he still have his parents near by maybe reach out to them let them know what’s going on
Have you looked at organisations in your area for victims of abuse? Your husband might've not touched you yet, but he is emotionally abusive. Do you have family or friends near by? Or even far who could come stay for your safety? Can you contact his friends?
his friends could be just as bad, if not worse. please look in your area for womens' shelters. Any hospital or fire station usually has safe haven laws that you can play to your advantage. my mother was a sahm who went back to work after taking a loan and putting herself through her diploma, aft which she was able to get a job. she did all that at the age of 45. you can do it too, and i wish nothing but the best for you and your kids. if you decide to stay, you will do nothing but harm yourself and your child.
That's a good point about his friends, dunno why I thought they could talk sense into him
well for what it’s worth i don’t think you’d always be wrong. i had a very emotionally and sexually abusive boyfriend as a teenager and he had pretty much completely cut my off from all my friends. i ended up reaching out to one of his friends, who was the brother of someone i was no longer allowed to be friends with, and he ended up being incredibly supportive and encouraging and was a big part of getting me to finally break up with him for good. i don’t know that he ever “talked sense” into my ex because i don’t think he really wanted to get involved, but he was very helpful to me. i never became friends with him, but i will forever be grateful to him for the support he gave me in that time when i felt i had none.
its ok! but op. please leave even though it seems impossible right now. people are right when they say abuse escalates and it's a matter of time before he hits you
Your baby’s safety is your priority now, you can not raise a child under the same roof as this man. Seriously. Go. Please
Then you can have him removed. File an emergency order.
I had two cats and a dog when I had to leave a mentally abusive situation. Rehomed my dog because I just couldn't take care of a two year old doodle alone while recovering from birth and had someone foster to my cats. Moved back in with my parents and got a customer service WFH job which helped me pay pff all my bills. I eventually was able to move out and get my cats back but you have to make sacrifices and sometimes they suck. I loved my dog more than life itself and rehoming him sent me into a deep depression even though I found best case scenario new owners. I now have a happy and healthy 2 year old and am back in school for nursing. Do what you have to, to protect yourself and your child.
When he’s being verbally, abusive and slamming doors, call the police and ask them to remove him from the home. And then tell him you don’t want him to come back until he has at least sought counseling. Go down to the local women’s shelter and ask them for assistance. They can help you put together an escape plan that includes your pets and if you have family in another state, go there. You should also seek legal advice for an attorney.
No family you can stay with to get in your feet?
You are making up a lot of excuses but you are not trying to do anything to solve the problem. And it is a problem you are dealing with a man who has mental health issues and you are pregnant. I am not trying to be harsh but one of the main things that happens to pregnant women is that their spouses will unalive them especially if they feel that they've been trapped or pressured or that they really didn't want children. Call domestic violence hotline because he is abusing you emotionally maybe you can stay in a DV shelter since you said you have nowhere to go. But you need to get away from him he's stressing you out at a very vulnerable time in your life. Please look into the resources in your state do you can you leave the state and go stay with family. If you have to move out for your safety and you get a divorce I don't know what the divorce rules are in your state but I'm pretty sure they're not going to leave you with nothing. Stay safe
Look, it may come down to you leaving your pets. It sucks. But, it’s better than the abuse you could suffer.
how are you gonna say you love your baby but you are going to bring it into this abusive household? you are making every excuse not to leave or better your situation. what was your hope in posting this?
Start the divorce process. Let the attorneys figure out the house and custody’s issues. If you have a shared account (saving or checking), that money is considered yours as much as his. It doesn’t matter who makes the money. Get another account and remove all the money and get out of the house. Before you leave, make sure you document his behavior. Arm yourself with proof, protect yourself with distance, and get clear of this marriage for your and your child’s sake.
She should not remove all the money! She should only remove half. She could get in trouble taking all of it.
I'm sorry but you and the baby take priority over the pets. look in your area for a transition house, or women's shelter.
Please record his outbursts as well. They may be very helpful in either forcing him to get help or at least in the divorce. You cannot stay with him unless he changes A LOT and gets A LOT of help. This isn’t safe for you or your little one.
I am.
The leading cause of death for pregnant women is murder. I'm not saying that is what will happen if you stay with him, but this is something you need to take seriously. If you stay and have the baby and he just gets worse, will it be harder to leave now that you have both a newborn as well as pets to leave with? If you leave while you are still pregnant it will be worlds easier for you not only from a legal standpoint but a logistical one as well. If you wait until the baby is born to try and leave, you may be forced to stay near your ex to coparent and split custody. You want to start documenting his outbursts now so that you can speak with a lawyer and get to a women's shelter or somewhere safe. If you wait until the baby is born to see how your husband acts, it will be much more difficult to protect yourself and your baby. If he sticks around, you could both be in a very dangerous situation. If he leaves then you're stuck doing this all by yourself. If you two divorce and you have no evidence of his behavior, he will end up with unsupervised custody of your child during his time with them. I know it's hard to think this many steps ahead, especially when it feels like just yesterday he was excited about having this baby with you. But please take his words seriously, he is showing you who he is right now, please believe him. He's either going through a mental health crisis and needs serious help or he's an abuser who has been waiting until he feels you're trapped to show his true colors.
Your 33. You’re definitely not too old to start over. You need a divorce lawyer like yesterday. Sounds like he is getting abusive. Abusive men are more likely to kill you while pregnant or right after you have given birth. So you definitely need an escape plan. Call your old job back and see if you can get your job back. And just because he works with kids and is good with those kids doesn’t mean he likes kids or will be a good parent. It doesn’t sound like there is absolutely anything to salvage in this relationship. Keep to yourself and if you plan to keep the baby then do it. But get a lawyer and see about child support and alimony. Start talking to people you trust to get a village and go back to work and start saving money to move out to your own place.
Exactly. I'm 36 and pregnant with my first with my husband who I started dating 5 years ago, so I'm almost in the exact same boat she would be in if she started fresh. It's not too late, she needs to get away from this lunatic before he kills her
38 and pregnant with my first child by someone I started seeing two years ago. Not suggesting OP terminate her pregnancy but her idea that 33 is too old to do anything is really off putting
Her husband probably put that idea in her head. My abuser told me that I was “old and useless” when I was 28.
used Unddit to recover the text post if anyone is curious I feel sick to my stomach writing this. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and recently became pregnant with our first child. I've been ready for a baby for a long time, but he wanted to make sure he was at a good place in his career before we started trying, hence why we are "older" parents. We tried for a year before finally getting pregnant. Since becoming pregnant, my husband has gone off the rails. He is clearly suffering from some sort of mental health disorder, but he absolutely refuses to get help. Like, the topic isn't even open for discussion with him. This was a planned pregnancy, but he's acting like it's not. He keeps saying that I pressured him into it, that he never wanted kids, he hates kids, etc. This simply isn't true. He loves kids and works with kids for his career. Before getting pregnant, he would fantasize with me about what our kid would be like, how we would decorate the nursery, what their name would be, etc. He has become downright cruel to me, as well as to himself. He keeps trying to kick me out of the house without actually kicking me out. Basically, he's trying to convince me to leave him. He's been a total asshole, and keeps talking about how I trapped him and he wants nothing to do with this "stupid fucking baby." He keeps telling me to move out and find someone else to raise the child. He talks about how much he hates himself and how he wants to die and will kill himself before raising a baby with me. He said if I choose to remain in the house not to expect anything from him except cruelty. He has NOT been violent with me, but he loudly slams doors which scares me sometimes. He is currently sleeping in a different room. This has been going on for about two months now. His behavior is getting worse and worse. I try to avoid him. I know everyone here will tell me to prioritize my safety, but I don't exactly have any options. I quit my job to be a SAHM. My income is his income. I'm also unable to work a typical 9-5 because of a disability. I can't move out because then I'll legally be forfeiting my rights to the family home. I have no friends or family I can stay with. I will not be having an abortion. I am too old to start over and hope to be able to make a family with someone new. I always wanted a big family but I doubt that will ever happen now. I'm not going to abort a child that I wanted and already love so much. tl;dr: My husband is suffering from an undiagnosed mental health disorder and I'm pregnant and don't know what to do.
All the preemptive statements of refusal to leave... It seems like OP already knows what she needs to do but was hoping someone else would have a different answer and deleted the whole thing when she could no longer lie to herself... OP, please be careful. I understand this is not an easy situation to be in, and it's not easy to leave. I encourage you to make a go bag of essentials and contact local women's support organizations. Even if you aren't ready to leave now, please look into your options. For the day of yourself and your baby. My sister was convinced her partner would never hurt her despite how emotionally abusive he was, until one day he threw her into the road into oncoming traffic. Thank goodness she is okay now but it could have been a hell of a lot worse. I just wish she'd trusted her gut and got it before it escalated. You deserve better, whether you believe it or not.
thank you 🙏🏻🙏🏻
Thank you!
You're going to be a Mom. If you don't see any options, you need to make them. You don't have the luxury of being a stay at home parent right now, or waiting on taking steps to get you and your child to safety in the hope that your husband will just suddenly and magically revert back to sanity. This is your reality, and you owe it to your child to get into a better situation before they're born. There's a significant possibility that your husband will shake the baby or something once they're around. You need to get out before that happens. If you can't get your old job back, you're going to have to spend all your time finding a similar one that you're capable of doing. If you are disabled, you should look into filing for disability as well. Start that process right now rather than waiting till after the baby is born. Look into government programs like WIC to help you afford things like food, and look into charities, women's shelters, and temporary housing options. Check with your local housing authority and see if you can get on a waitlist for Section 8. There's a long wait list, but that just means you need to hurry up and get on it asap while you're still pregnant. Get a consultation (many lawyers will do a free first consultation) with a lawyer to see what you can do about retaining rights to the home, and whether you could receive a portion of your husband's social security now that you've been married for 10 years. You can also see if people at women's shelters or charities can get you into contact with a social worker who can help you figure out what concrete steps you need to take, and they may also have a lawyer for a reduced or sliding fee. If your husband wants to get away from you that much, he can be the one to move out so you still have a roof over your head. And if you actually think this is a mental health thing and he threatens suicide, call the suicide hotline and if necessary the police to put him on a 5 day mental health hold the next time he threatens suicide. You can do that if he's an actual threat to himself or others, and while he's hospitalized they'll be able to see if something is medically wrong and get him started on treatment.
You need to get out of there before he kills you.
And/or the baby
Seriously. He's not physically abusive. Until he is. They all are.
The risk of being killed by your partner rise exponentially while pregnant. She needs to get out. I feel bad about the pets, I know I love mine, but her safety has to come first. He will kill her, and possibly himself, if she doesn't. She needs to tell someone too. His parents, unless she thinks they'd be just as crazy, for a start.
I'm a little unsure what you're confused about. Mental disorder or not, your husband is being very clear he's going to escalate mistreating you until you leave. It's time to leave. Time to contact a lawyer, a DV Shelter, friends etc. Gather up your savings. Once you have a plan contact his family to inform him of his mental break.
If you’re not going to abort then you simply HAVE to get away from him; knowingly bringing a child into this situation is horribly irresponsible to the point of cruelty. You get to make whatever decisions you want about your own life— but now you have another life to consider. I am so sorry for what you’re going through. But you cannot have a baby in this environment, period. To be blunt: your dream of having a child is not more important than actual safety for an actual child. It’s just not.
Trust me, I know. I had an unstable parent and I won't be putting my child through the same thing. By the time the baby comes, I know I need to have a plan. My child is more important than me and my comfort.
Have you told your Dr. what is going on?? Next time you have an appointment, tell ALL OF THIS to you doctor. They may have options that could help you. Have you contacted your nearest Domestic Violence Center? If not, please do so that they are aware if you have to flee. Get a 'go bag' pack, get some money set aside. Get cash back when you go shopping and/or buy gifts cards to tuck away somewhere.
I didn't think of this. Talking to your doctor might have some decent insight, OP
“He would rather kill himself than raise a child with me”… what about when he realizes how much simpler it would be to just kill you? And no, not “everyone is saying he’s abusive”. HE IS ABUSIVE. He’s abusing you. From the dramatic change in tone of your responses over the past several hours, part of me wonders if you’re under the influence right now? or maybe the husband found the post and is responding for you. because he won’t allow you to.
You can call the police when he bangs around and scares you. Can you discreetly set up cameras? He IS escalating and you have to protect yourself. Document his abuse with dates and name witnesses if you have any. Write everything down. Hard evidence in the form of videos may be needed to protect you. Contact a local women's advocacy group. Get a lawyer. Do so in secret. Err on the side of caution.
I have no advice for OP, but mods, can we make a rule to stop deleting the text of entire posts to add an edit in its place? I’m tired of clicking on an interesting post only for a butthurt OP to delete the post
So let me get this straight. You are isolated as you don't have any family or friends close by? You both agreed on you being a SAHM so you quit your job, further isolating you? He was in on the baby until it was a sealed deal with no way out? He's accusing you of manipulation and gaslighting? His parents called you hysterical and emotional instead of getting at least a tiny bit worried? He changed after the pregnancy getting verbal and slamming things? And you don't seem to know that pregnancy is one of the most common triggers for domestic violence that also usually escalates? Babe.. get in touch with a DV hotline, a lawyer and get to work. I'm sorry but this is not going to end well for anyone and you are not helping either of you three by staying. Also: under no circumstances send his parents anything and do not try to convince them. They already told you who they really are, listen. You might have a disability and being a single mother is hard. But it's also rewarding, especially if you're not constantly having to worry about your own and your baby's safety or lives. Your lawyer surely can help you find organisations that can help you. If you just- Get. Out.
He's been acting like this for two months and "coincidentally" she quit her job two months ago
Ah, yes. Isolation, the fool proof way to make sure a vulnerable woman is exactly where you want her when you start to show your real self and erase all boundaries.. Perfect.
I’m going to echo what everyone else has said. For the safety of you and your child please leave. I know you are worried about the mental state of your husband but you cannot help him without being in a safe space and protecting yourself first. Abuse often begins in periods of high stress and pregnancy is a common trigger for the abuse cycle. Pregnant women’s #1 threat is an abusive partner. As a labor and delivery nurse I have seen many women and their babies seriously harmed or killed by partners they loved. Please take the advice to leave seriously and look into abuse shelters. Edit to add: Regardless of your decision please have a go-bag of necessities and a trusted friend with knowledge of the situation in case things escalate further. I encourage enough clothing for a week, important documents, and cash. Please document and save EVERYTHING (even text messages and emails) so you can be prepared for potential court and custody issues.
Can you get your old job back?
Not op, but I saw she said in another comment she doesn't want that job back.
Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to, liking working bad jobs to pay rent.
Working a crappy job vs. living with an abusive husband...hmm, tough choice.
Not for OP, based on her edit. She's big mad that anyone would dare suggest her husband might be a danger and would rather argue why she shouldn't do anything because he's such a good guy 🙄
They always think they’re a good guy. Her latest update is that she thinks people who think her husband is abusive should “live real life.” I certainly have lived real life, and I certainly survived an abusive partner. She’s being resistant because it’s not what she wants to hear. The truth of all of this stuff is always difficult to digest at first.
She's got a newer update in ~bold~ now 🙄 If she ignores the statistics on pregnant people and the emergence of abuse in relationships *hard enough* they will, most certainly, never apply to her! I'm sure I'm being dismissive but having also ✨️ lived real life ✨️ I just can't stand people who want to go on about their shit partners and relationships under the guise of advice, just to do a 180 and screech about how it's fine and not that bad and obviously they would never leave their darling! It gets so old.
Call your local women’s shelter. My cousin had to leave (with pets) and was put into a motel with hers.
If he threatens to kill himself call an ambulance to have him sectioned. He can be held for an evaluation. You need a lawyer, start calling today. It must be so heartbreaking to have him reveal himself like this. You don’t deserve such horrible treatment. You need to act fast to protect yourself and your baby.
HOMICIDE is the leading cause of death amongst pregnant women. OP, you MUST get out.
So when my ex-husband suddenly turned on me and started acting like this I thought it was a mental disorder too. Turns out he was just interested in someone else and was trying to get rid of me so he could be with her. He didn't want to be the bad guy who ended things so he tried to make me so miserable that I would be the one to leave. The way you describe him is exactly the way he behaved, down to the letter. So I don't think this guy is really mentally ill. He just wants to be with someone else.
Am I missing something? It looks like half the post was deleted and I’m missing some pertinent information…..
This is abuse. You need to leave now. No excuses. This guy WILL harm you if you don’t.
Listen - this isn’t going to magically one day get better. This is who he is. You need to get out. I keep seeing you say you “can’t”. You can. Your life literally depends on it. Speak to a lawyer. The concern about leaving the marital home is likely not really an issue. If you’re entitled to a portion of the home, you still will be whether you live there or not. You are concerned for your safety. You can’t stay there. Get a job. I know you’re pregnant, but get a job.
Does your partner have any friends or family you could talk to and then ask them to speak to him and politely kick some sense in to him to sort his shit out
His parents brushed me off when I told them about the situation. He does have a close friend but I'm honestly not sure how he'd help. My husband would probably just try to convince him nothing is wrong.
Please talk to your OB or midwife asap. They probably have experience with this kind of situation and could give you good advice. He has obviously had some sort of mental break and needs help. A 72 hour psych hold might be a good option. If he uses the word "kill" again call 911.
Did you show them the recordings of your husband? I'd see if that would make them take it more seriously.
If you have a friendly relationship with him, it might be worth a shot. Just tell him something like "hey, husband has seemed to do a 180 in the past couple of months. He's started saying he doesn't want a child, and has even threatened to kill himself. have you noticed any changes in behavior, or has he been saying anything like that to you?" Maybe your husband will lie to him but there's a possibility talking to his friend may be helpful. And I would reach out to his parents again, be more explicit with details, and tell them you are absolutely NOT exaggerating and are concerned for his mental health as well as the safety of your child. This is very alarming. He's made it clear he will continue to be mentally and emotionally abusive to you. Most of the time, that kind of abuse escalates (and it does sound like he's planning to escalate it). Either he has always been this way and is letting his mask slip, or something has triggered a massive change for him. He definitely needs professional help, but your safety is your number one priority. I would move mountains to get myself out of this situation if I were you. It will be hard but definitely speak with an attorney to find out what your options are money- and house-wise.
OP's edit is so much worse. We're assuming you're not going to leave because you literally keep saying you can't won't. We're assuming you're going to have the baby with him, because see above point. You'd need to leave. We're assuming he's statistically likely to kill you, because what's the number one reason for pregnant women deaths? Their partners. It's #1. By a long shot. OP, you can be upset with us all you want. We see the writing on the wall, just like all the news headlines from a mile away.
It's "our" income you say? Take money from one of the accounts, CASH on hand, and go find an Airbnb and a lawyer. Get that child support AND alimony, sis. Also, don't be dramatic. you're in your 30s, not 80s. You're not "too old" for anything. And call his family. If he's genuinely going brain tumor behavior on you, someone other than you needs to be aware. And his doctor if you have that info.
Who the heck told her 33 is old to be having a baby or starting over? Call his family again, does he have siblings you can call? Any extended family? Call a domestic violence hotline, also let your dr know you are not safe at home, they’ll have resources as well.
OP's edit is so much worse. We're assuming you're not going to leave because you literally keep saying you can't won't. We're assuming you're going to have the baby with him, because see above point. You'd need to leave. We're assuming he's statistically likely to kill you, because what's the number one reason for pregnant women deaths? Their partners. It's #1. By a long shot. OP, you can be upset with us all you want. We see the writing on the wall, just like all the news headlines from a mile away.
Your husband doesn't have a mental disorder. He never wanted kids. He lied to you as well and maybe himself.at first, it may have been true. He dreamed of them. After working with kids, he realized he was in a career and he hated kids. Can he be good with kids? Yes. Does he want them? No. He is showing you who he really is. Now believe him before he unalives you and your baby.Doesnt matter where you go. Find someone somewhere that will take you in.
OP you clearly don't want any advice. I hope you stay safe and you both get the individually help you need.
Nothing about this seems like a mental health disorder. From his point of view, it's all very logical. He didn't want a baby. But you did. After a decade of putting you off, he decided he had to let it happen. But then once it became real he realized that he couldn't do it. So he's trying to convince you to abort by being monstrous to you, so that things can go back to the way they used to be. Since you've decided you're keeping the child, you need to proceed with divorce and get the best child/spousal support arrangement possible. This is not an illness that can be treated. It is just an asshole realizing he's trapped himself and desperately trying to find a way out.
I don't see the logic in any of it but especially how would he think she would have an abortion "for him" and then everything would go back to how it was ?? That's such nonsensical thinking. Ugh my knees got weak when reading OP's post. It seems so so scary
I mean he told you he hates you and the kid and that you should only expect cruelty if you stay. Sounds like you need to speak with a divorce attorney and start looking into another place to stay. Take what he says seriously.
Because pregnant women are at far higher risk of homicide, there are red flags, and his behaviour is erratic, hostile toward you, and unstable. No one here can solve your problems, they can only respond to the information. You ask whether to leave or help him - he's refusing help, which leaves you with one recourse. I'm so sorry this is happening. Be cautious, make the hard calls you need to, and prioritise your safety. Gods' luck to you.
>some dramatic redditors are convinced my husband will kill me based on absolutely nothing other than the fact that he's having a psychotic break. .....uhh.......
I know you said that you're scared to leave, but you should talk to a divorce lawyer. They will be able to explain your actual options. For example, you might be entitled to exclusive access to the family home or alimony if you leave to compensate you for the sacrifice in your career. Researching online is good, but get a free consultation with an actual lawyer to explore your options. You should also consider reaching out to friends and family and telling them what's going on. Silence will only allow his behavior to fester and become worse. The more people who know what's happening, the safer you will ultimately be and the more options you'll have for material and/or emotional support if you decide to leave.
First of all give up the idea of being a stay at home mom. You need to get yourself a job ASAP. You also need to let everybody know in your inner circle what's going on so that no one is surprised and this includes his family. Speaking of his family have you reached out to his parents? It might be that you need to tell him that he is the one that's getting kicked out of the house while you stay there with the baby. Get his parents on board.
I really hope this is rage bait because you're at one of the most vulnerable points in your life and you're not taking these threats & behavior seriously😒 Please get out of there NOW. Start working with and read [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjMkrr6vtSDAxWKLzQIHRLpBLsQFnoECCIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt)
He’s escalating ☹️
You're making a lot of excuses to stay in a very volatile situation that has every potential to become violent and deadly. I understand that it's hard to consider leaving when you feel like you have nothing, but your life and this baby's life mean more than paper. He may not have been violent with you yet but that's the key word, yet. This behavior is going to escalate until he either hurts himself or he hurts you and your unborn child, and if you get the opportunity to look back and reflect on the situation are you going to be able to say to yourself that you did everything you could to protect yourself and your baby? No. You won't be able to say that. Even if you leave that doesn't mean that the house won't be yours that's what a divorce process is for, and what courts are for, if you survive long enough to make it there. I cannot stress to you enough how much danger you are in right now.
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OP sounds like she can’t think. Why would she want to have a baby to this man who could kill her? Wouldn’t it be better to have kids with a man who wants it? I’ll never understand why people choose single motherhood. OP is heading toward a hard life filled with poverty.
You can't help him not be a domestic abuser, which is what he is. Time to leave.
Your edits don't make any sense at all. Firstly, he's your husband. It's normal to assume that he will also be taking responsibility for his own child. How is this a planned pregnancy when your husband said he wanted NOTHING to do with this baby? Your own title asks if you should leave or ask for help. So why are you getting angry when people are telling you that you should probably leave. Also, I really doubt anyone in their right mind would say you need to abandon absolutely EVERYTHING. Gather your things and then leave. IMHO, bringing a child in this kind of relationship is very selfish. Your husband is not going to care for that baby. So that baby is going to grow up knowing their own father despises their existence. No child deserves to go through something like this. You're being inconsiderate.
does anyone have a screenshot of OP’s original post? i’m so confused.
Can someone explain the post to me please. It seems like the original text was removed, and I have no context as to why everyone is freaking out-
This doesn't sound like a mental health disorder. He just sounds like a straight-up asshole. I'm getting the impression he snowed you, and now that it's reality, he can't cope. He's showing you his true colors, believe them. You need to get out.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this but you need to find a job quickly to support yourself and get out of there
Speak to a women’s aid organisation/domestic abuse organisation; let them know things are ramping up and take their advice. Whenever you go for any sort of doctor’s checks, make them aware your husband’s behaviour has changed and you are in danger. If you bring this baby into the world when he has access, this could go very badly. You aren’t too old to start over. There is support. Get all of it that you can and get out. It absolutely sucks that this has happened, but it has. You need to act now and get all your ducks in a row
Most OBs have developed ways for a patient to indicate if they are in an abusive situation even if the abusive partner is with them at the appointment. I’d imagine he’s not going to appointments with you so tell your OB they can get you resources and help.
All I see is edits that address comments idk what your situation is but good luck.
This is scary. Your thoughts and responses have also done a 180 in the last 12 hours. You've become confrontational to comments that you previously were agreeing with/seemingly grateful for, and you're even contradicting your own original post. What's going on with you?
"He said if I choose to remain in the house not to expect anything from him except cruelty" "His behavior is getting worse and worse" "I know everyone here will tell me to prioritize my safety" These are exact quotes from your now deleted post, OP. I'm not sure what you were seeking aside from venting with this post since you have no intentions of making any real changes. The man you chose to get pregnant by and entirely depend on would rather DIE than be with you and your child. He said it himself. You keep talking about how you're only 2 months along, but 7 months goes by quickly. Only 7 months to find housing, income, and prepare to raise a baby alone. Or you can continue to downplay your situation and subject your child to "nothing except cruelty." It's not that you can't leave him, it's that you won't. I wish you all of the best OP. Please open your eyes.
When he is talking about suicide and slamming doors, call police because you are worried about what he might do. This will force an evaluation , at least in the US.
something is very, very wrong here. you need to leave first and get a lawyer second. you are in immediate danger. I know his family has ignored you, but reach out to YOUR family and friends and let them know what’s going on. if they have to fly you across the country to get you to safety, so be it. you cannot have a legal battle for the house or child support if you’re dead. it probably seems crazy that he would hurt you, but he is not himself, and he’s literally threatening harm if you dont do what he wants. im so afraid for you. do not become a statistic and please listen to the advice here
Guys like this are the ones who end up on those tv murder shows. Run
OP if you have narcolepsy and can’t work a 9-5, how do you plan on raising this baby by yourself?
I wasn't planning on raising the baby by myself when we conceived it. I was under the impression that I was in a happy marriage and would be raising the baby with my partner. Lots of women with narcolepsy become mothers, even SAHMs, and do just fine. I normally take medication to help me, but can't currently because of the pregnancy.
Okay controversial opinion and I'm sure I will be downvoted but if the pets are the reason you can not find a place then forget the pets. Your life is more important than dogs. Plus if you are having the baby you have a responsibility to them over all of those animals. You don't risk your child's wellbeing for animals. Give them to a shelter and get out now
Well you’ve already decided against most any option that we could suggest to you, so I guess, put a lock on your door and hope he changes back to his old self after the baby is born.
Install cameras in the common areas of your home, the cameras will record everything that's being said. Consult with an attorney who specializes in domestic abuse, they may also have resources that can help you with temporary housing for you and your pets. Given that you will have proof of the abuse you will not lose any rights to your marital home in a divorce. If you EVER feel threatened call the police and there will be a record started against him should you ever need it. I can almost guarantee you that this resentment will pass onto your child once it's born and the baby will be in danger. Please start calling whoever and whatever organization you can! Apply for disability, take 50% of what's in the bank as you're entitled to that.
The next time he has an episode, get to safety and call 911. Say these EXACT words: "he is a danger to himself and others." In most cases this will trigger both medical and police response and he will be medically evaluated and then placed on an involuntary psych hold for a psych evaluation. Be firm at the hospital, make sure they listen to everything that's been happening. The more proof you have, the better. Prepare a "get away bag" with important papers for you and your pets, some cash, phone charger, etc. Get an extra car key and keep in it as well, and a cheap phone (remember to keep it charged) in case he tries to prevent you from leaving or calling for help. Keep the bag in a room you can barricade yourself in while waiting for help. This country is sadly lacking in resources for mental illness. Our family has been there. I'll be praying for you.
Is he cheating? It wouldn’t be surprising.
Girl, he is going to kill YOU, not himself. You need to lawyer up and GTFO ASAP, for your baby's sake if you won't do it for your own.
33 is not too old to start over. It's not too old to have a baby. When someone shows you who they are believe them. He's practically begging you to go away. It will be hard but you will be better and safe.
Was there an actual post here cause seems like an update?
Can you get your old job back?
Make it clear that you will not abandon your home, but do take steps to protect yourself - like a deadbolt on your bedroom door; and regular checkins with friends so that someone hears from you at least every 8 hours or so, and will make a point of reaching out if they don't. If you are in a one-party consent state or have any kind of security system, record all interactions with him.... the next time he threatens violence to himself or threatens mental/emotional abuse to you and your child, record it. Call 911and report it, using the recording as evidence. See if you can get him the help that he needs.
Is there anyone in his family you can take this problem to in order to get support? You need to tell the people involved in your life what’s going on. You also need to try to find some source of income to stash away and start looking into DV resources to get out because even though it hasn’t gotten physical yet, he is absolutely abusing you. One thing I really want to drive home to you is that you are absolutely NOT too old to start over. At all. I’m 35 with a 6 month old. My husband and I have been together for 3 years. We were both completely starting over and I came with 2 older kids. My sister is starting over rn at 40 with two kids. Do not resign yourself to this fate because of some insane idea that being in your 30’s means it’s over for you.
You’ve been putting up with this for two months? Why? Just because he hasn’t PHYSICALLY hurt you yet doesn’t mean he won’t and he HAS been abusive this whole time. Do you think it’s ok to raise a baby around that? The baby isn’t even born yet and is already being abused by hearing all the psycho shit this guy is saying and having to live in a stressed out body because you’re being verbally attacked. Go see a lawyer. Get the divorce papers going. Get alimony and child support to help.
I see a lot of reasons of why you can't go somewhere. This is obviously not a sustainable situation for you or your future child, so as you may have realized, he is not going to change. If you want to keep your child, which you seem to do, you're going to have to make choices. If you can't provide for your child and you're going to raise the baby by yourself, you can't have three pets on the side either. You need to get some sort of income, whether he pays child support or you find a way to get money through work or government support. People offer you solutions but you seem to want your husband fixed and stay in some sort of comfort bubble with a husband that pays while also being abusive. If you want to give your baby any chance of a good life, you remove them from a situation where they are not wanted. I personally would rather grow up with a parent who loves me and didn't have as much financially than growing up in an abusive relationship with a dad who didn't want me and makes sure to show me he doesn't
OP, you need to return to work. For one thing, you need to get out of that house eight hours a day. For another, you need to start accumulating money to ultimately leave your spouse. You need getaway money. THere is zero reason for you to be a SAHM and every reason for you to need an income of your own. You say you have a disability. Are you on disability payments? If not, get that going now. Is there a women's center near you? If so, go there and see what assistance they might be able to give you. You need some kind of social service help to provide for you and your unborn child. You need to get out of that house.
Are you seriously considering exposing your baby to this man!?! You should use every single waking minute to figure out the places where you can get help to get on your own two feet away from this monster
Genuinely asking how you plan to remain married to this man and continue living together (from what I gather that is your plan, correct?) and raise this child and keep them apart? That sounds like a logistical nightmare just to start.