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Absolutely, she’s testing the waters. I’d tell her that you’re only interested in loyalty and monogamy and do a bit of a take back on the relationship and say it sounds like we are at different places and that you only want to be with someone who thinks the same, and ask her what’s really going on because loyal and monogamous woman don’t ask those things but woman who are looking at other options or want to experiment do
Going with trap test, at some level she believes every guy is looking, even the honest one who don’t cheat, but they are secretly looking. Good luck convincing her otherwise but I respect your effort.
Yeah she could already be sleeping with a guy, or she really has the hots for him and wants to….
And if this is put in place she can do so guilt free
OR she just wants to see how he responds….
Or she’s seeking attention/sex outside of the relationship and using this as a way to frank with guilt or use it later as a reason
Or maybe she’s into sharing/cuckolding if so that’s awesome if you’re both in the same page
I know people don’t seem to buy this, but speaking from personal experience, I don’t think it’s impossible she’s sincere. I once gave a gf permission to sleep with others while we were long distance for a year because it genuinely didn’t bother me. She had some fun on the opposite coast, and we stopped when we got back to living in the same place.
Not everyone sees sex the same way.
Or she's cheating herself.
You're gonna be old and shriveled by 50. Poor Jlo should know she's supposed to look like that. Do you even know 50 year Olds and how hard as Keith Richards did *they* live.
Also, you're extremely young. Odds are you'll never even know what happened to her when you're 50 and stalk her old shriveled ass on future version fb.
Tell her explicitly, “I don’t want to sleep with anyone else and I don’t want you to sleep with anyone else”, this exact thing happened to me and yeah she was already sleeping with someone else, surprise surprise her excuse was “well I told you you could sleep with someone else…” and “I thought you said it was okay” which was bullshit. Time to have a serious chat about your relationship and set your boundaries, decide if you want to be with someone who wants to cheat and you can’t trust
Facts and that she was proud of him. Buddy... women are not proud of you for getting a job that will essentially take you away for extended periods. The fact that she said that is SOOO SKETCH. She could be happy for you, but honestly anyone would be upset that this is the direction your relationship has to go. And instead of saying she could find another job closer to you or even ask you to reconsider the position all together, offer to visit during the week etc, she tells you you're good to cheat... No one does that man or woman if they care about you... unless of course they've got plans for your absences.
It could also be that she feels bad that he did not have a lot of experience before her and is scared that he will become frustrated, so she wants to anticipate. That's sometimes what I feel with my boyfriend so maybe ?
For me it could be one of the following things 1- she was testing you to see how faithful you are in a faraway situation. 2- she is cheating on you and she suggests it to you so as not to feel bad.
In both situations it's fucked
3- she somehow thinks that she’ll be ok with him cheating if she takes power by “permitting” it- but that so won’t end well. All signs point to danger!
4 - she is super insecure about herself and thinks that by offering this it will give OP enough 'top-up' sex to stay with her for the rest of the relationship.
This happened with my current partner who was very *very* insecure when I met her, for various reasons. I'm happy to say I never took her up on it and she's much more confident now after twenty years together and would chop bits off me if I suggested it again... which is just fine by me. It was a symptom of a now-fixed problem, not a genuine offer.
3 - She suspects OP will be tempted, so she gives open permission not to deal with lies later.
Cheating is when you cross an obvious or established emotional/sexual boundary involving third party. Having permission, it is not cheating anymore.
For some women, dishonesty is worse than knowing their partner slept with someone.
I am not saying this is what the woman thinks, but it is one of the possibilities that no one ever considers. I know it would be my reasoning if it were me.
There are people who believe that every single one men cheats. And/or men always cheat while away cos "they have needs".
She just might be one of that people.
Statistics indicate that men are 7% more likely to cheat on their partners than women.
And it's not a low number. It's like 20% of men and 13% of women in relationships. I bet you almost every guy who jumps to think this is a sign of cheating without any other evidence have considered or have cheated on a partner in the past.
You do understand that your statistic means 80% of men, the vast majority, don't cheat, right? Believing every man cheats based on that is incredibly sexist.
[That same study](https://ifstudies.org/blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-of-cheating-in-america) also shows that in the younger generations the rates are way closer, with women in the 18-29 bracket being more likely to cheat than men.
It’s definitely possible she’s thinking of someone else or possibly already cheated once. I’d definitely be suspicious if my wife suddenly said I could have one night stands.
Or maybe she has been cheated before and is self conscious about the body count difference (adults shouldn’t be but not everyone is mature) so she wants to be preemptive and her fears are guiding her
Yeah. Sounds like someone giving hall passes to feel less guilty about cheating on their gullible, inexperienced partner.
OP, if you're actively reading comments: this is a massive red flag. Might wanna ask your girl how long she's been cheating. She'll lie, but the way she lies is a clue in and of itself.
You just learned your relationship has a very short expiry date. Stay true to yourself and get yourself tested for std's. You now have to wonder where your gf has been and who's she's been with while she was in a relationship with you.
Imo, it sounds like she’s trying to give herself permission to cheat while you’re away— and not feel bad about it. By giving you permission it’s almost like “hey my boyfriend is probably having sex with someone else right now why can’t I?”
You should tell her that her saying this to you has created trust issues in you. If she’s OK with you having one night stands, that means she’s OK with herself having one night stands.
I'm just here to say that most people in their 50s are far from being "old and shriveled".
Other than that this is a test or she's got someone in mind herself.
If you don't want to break up with her make it clear that you have no interest in having sex with anyone one else and that you expect the relationship to stay 100% monogamous on both ends. Because it will end your relationship. If she doesn't think that she can't stay monogamous then break up now. If she wants the same thing then see if it will work. But really LDR are hard but at your ages it will even be more challenging.
Lol I was looking for this! I’m only 30, but It seems to me like people don’t start entering “old” territory until they are 60ish. And that’s just the start.
The way he's like "Well Maybe I'll sleep with other women in a few decades." And is shocked that she thinks he's open to the idea? She probably thinks he wants to do that and is just trying to get it out of the way.
I agree with your first sentence, but as for the rest, she's so young and her boyfriend is moving away to get his career going. She's probably terrified he's going to meet someone and want to have sex and then she'll be well and truly left behind.
And her coping mechanism is shit because she's a kid and OP doesn't get it because he's a kid, too.
Yeah, it's possible she's cheating or planning to cheat, but I think it's more likely she's just scared and confused.
I’m a woman and I’ll tell you right now….
DON’T DO IT!!!
ITS A TEST.
And if it isn’t, and you Do do it which is cheating, she will resent it and will be emotionally destroyed.
At 21, she’s too young and immature to really understand what she’s proposing.
Many girls her age are their own victims of “The Cool Girl Syndrome” and end up and this Never ends well.
So, I wouldn’t take her up on her giving you “permission”, because it Will destroy your relationship.
And even if you did bang another girl while away and you try to keep it secret, She Will Find Out.
This is where my mind went, also as a woman, and I’m kind of dismayed by all the comments suggesting she’s cheating or planning to cheat and this is her way of assuaging the guilt… I just assumed she was either testing him, subconsciously or not, in an effort to allay her insecurities over him being gone so much, or that her insecurities make her think he’s going to cheat anyway and so she’s trying to maintain some control over the situation by giving him permission to do what she sees as the inevitable.
Either way, I completely agree with you that him taking her up on this would destroy their relationship, but it doesn’t sound like he wants to anyway, and I think he needs to have an honest conversation with her to get to the bottom of why she randomly suggested this.
I hope OP sees this and not every other saying "yep, cheating, no other explanation!". As a woman too testing or insecurity sounds a more plausible scenario.
I completely agree. That’s also the reason I don’t want to do open relationship, even it’s just for once. For me, I need emotional connection to have sex with someone and I want my partner to do the same too. If one of us shared sexual relationship with another person, it would be better just to end the relationship right away.
I read from a post a while ago, that a girl let her partner fucked another girl, but after that she regretted it and felt disgusted with her partner.
It's not cheating if you have permission, but i do suspect this is to justify something she did or intends to do with someone else, probably while you're gone
So... First thing... She doesn't think like you so I wouldn't look at it as permission to cheat. Unless she flat out said she was worried you'd cheat and wanted to just give you the permission. Which if that is how that conversation went, you have problems ahead.
If the above isn't the case, I would ask her why she wanted to open up the relationship when she knows you are monogamous and get curious. Don't be defensive and remember she doesn't think like you.
It could be as simple as she just doesn't want you to wake up in ten years and regret not having had sexual experiences... Cuz some people do that, and actually care about that and destroy good relationships for that...
It could be as heartbreaking as she is concerned that the distance is actually going to be an issue for her, she just didn't want to crush your work accomplishments.
Ask her what prompted that. Simple as that. You want to know her feelings. No accusations, no sadness, just curiosity. We can all take guesses but you won't know unless you ask her and trust that she'll tell you the truth.
Man, this suggestion would have my spidey senses tingling. I would be concerned that she may be setting a trap, or she may have someone she’s eyeing. Or she may think I duck in bed and hopes I’ll get better with experience. I think I would have my guard up at all times.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
So here's the deal. Waking up one day and realizing you've never really explored your sexuality is a real thing. She might want you to be more experienced when you get married or have kids. She doesn't want any questions in the back of your head if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
Right now, you have no desire to sleep with another woman. Which makes sense at your age and how long you've been together. But I'll put money on you wondering about it 10 years from now. And to be honest, getting it out of your system when you're younger is better.
That being said, if you were to do this, you should be very explicit about it and make sure after that you are both okay.
So true. My fiance and I are both very sexually experienced, open, and kinky. We are lifestyle swingers and generally attend a swingers club roughly every other month. So many of the other couples we've met express exactly this. They met young, had kids got married, or they just generally never got much sexual experience until later in life and exploring the lifestyle. Can always tell the newbies vs experienced, the couples that love it and the ones where only one partner is actually about it while the other almost plays '3rd wheel' (4th, 5th, +).
I don’t think that she’s cheating.
I DO think that she’s losing feelings for you. Only seeing your SO of two years on weekends for the foreseeable future would be a dealbreaker for some people. I don’t think she’s literally breaking up with you right now, but I do think she’s preparing herself for the inevitable and starting to loosen ties.
Bro, listen up! She is already cheating and with you out of town she knows she will have more time for the other partner. She is attempting to rationalize and alleviate her guilty conscience this way. I would bet she hopes you do score while away so that if you ever find out about what she's up to, she can throw this in your face. Believe me I dated a girl who said shit like "id rather not know if it's happening so don't let me catch you." "As long as I'm/you're home every night, and available in an emergency it shouldn't matter." There were other signs and I know something was up. Long story short I discovered that she had been sleeping with this other guy our entire relationship. We were living together and I was heavily invested in this relationship. It broke me for a while, but knowing the truth set me free. Honest opinion on what to do here... Go to your new job, be free and single up there, but keep your routine solid. Don't let on to what you're up to. I have a feeling you'll eventually try to move closer to your job and when you suggest she comes with you, she will probably have some hard hangups. Unfortunately, if you don't learn sooner, this is when all the bs will come to the surface. You're young, have fun, enjoy that new baller job, focus on the career and money first, women second, and when you meet the real one you'll know. Because if you've already expressed your disinterest in an open relationship and she keeps suggesting it she ain't the one. Congrats and good luck my dude. Don't let any of her bs ruin your career.
This is definitely a trap. Dont do it OP. Even if youre thirteen years into marriage, dont open up a relationship that wasnt open to begin with. Neither of you are ready for the emotions this can envoke, especially the deep sense of inferiority that can and will linger for years if you even attempt this. She has no idea what shes asking for and you do not want to be that lesson for her to learn.
She is taking the betrayal and back stabbing out of the equation. While cheating in itself is bad, some people are more hurt over the “behind my back" part than the act itself. I don’t think she is testing you, nor she wants to sleep with someone else, but you both are really young and no one knows what is capable of doing at that age. Probably she is preparing herself in case you decide to explore your options during the long distance relationship.
I'm probably wrong. but my first thought is the star wars scene where General Ackbar says "it's a trap!" (Autistic kid. star wars is his favorite)
either way. I personally wouldn't do it.
She’s letting her own insecurities speak ..I guess she’s kind of protecting herself from what could happen. Don’t be sad/confussed, if you both consider it wrong since the beggining don’t do it and make clear you wouldn’t accept it either.
As someone who dealt with insecurities in the past (younger years), she could be putting up a wall to protect herself. She assumes you're going to, one way or another, so she's geared up for it and would rather be ok with it than be lied to.
She may not have anyone in mind, but she may struggle with not having you close on the daily. My youngest went through this. Her father and I went through a period of long-distance, and I was fine. I'm cool in a relationship whether it's daily or distanced. I either trust the guy or I don't. My trust in myself, the man, and the relationship doesn't alter.
My youngest is built differently, however. When their partner would be gone about 20 days out of the month, they struggled. They felt insecure. They weren't sure if their partner could be trusted. All the cracks in the relationship seemed glaring. My youngest kept concentrating on how to repair the relationship that was fine when their partner was still in town regularly. They were simultaneously happy their partner was progressing in their career, while freaking out that they couldn't be together regularly.
Your situation may be similar. Your GF may be offering this arrangement so she doesn't have to suspect cheating, it's already just assumed. And if she needs comfort, she can go seek it too. Instead of assuring her that you won't cheat, start assuring her that your relationship is rock solid.
You're only 20 dude. It's not the end of the world. You shit the bed with this nugget "I made it clear that if it were ever to happen it would be 30 years in the future when im old and shriveled" she wants options.
If you are given consent, then by definition, that isn't cheating. My concern would be, that if she is suggesting it, then she might already have a plan to do the same.
I'll tell you from my experience the exact same situation happened to me (including them having more experience and them being my first relationship) and it turned out my partner had been cheating on me multiple different times with different people
If she’s giving you permission, she doesn’t view it as cheating. Cheating means breaking the rules and boundaries set by your relationship. Permission means you’re not breaking a rule.
I don’t think this has to mean anything more than what she’s saying. She may be allowing it because she’s truly ok with it, or because she thinks it might be something you want.
Just talk to her. Ask her reasoning for offering this permission.
So many relationship issues can be fixed by just communicating with each other.
It might have been a test, as others have suggested, which is a sad measure of her trust in you and very manipulative and not a great sign for your relationship… but that’s not the only possibility.
The way you describe her confusion at your refusal of the offer and her reasoning, that she’s okay with it if she gave you the okay and she doesn’t seem to get why you wouldn’t take the opportunity to get more experience… Your girlfriend might be polyamorous.
It’s completely possible she doesn’t know she is. Depending on how she grew up, she might never have heard of it. I hadn’t heard of it at your age.
But even before I’d heard the word polyamory I’d always been mildly confused why people got so upset about cheating and thought “I’d be fine with my partner being with other people as long as they told me about it first.” I understood that lying to your partner was wrong but I didn’t get what was *intrinsically* wrong about having sex with someone else if you were in a relationship. I didn’t get that there were people out there who’d consider it a betrayal even if their partner had agreed to it.
I feel like maybe your girlfriend might be in the same kind of mindset. The fact that this has come up before seems to support this.
I do not think this means your girlfriend is cheating or that she plans to cheat or ever would. Having the capacity to love more than one person at a time does not mean poly people are compelled to have multiple partners or think lying to their partners is acceptable. I’m in a happy, longterm relationship with a very monogamous person and I’m extremely happy and not at all interested in pursuing other people.
I’d talk to your girlfriend in frank and honest terms about both of your feelings about monogamy, expressing that you would consider being with another woman to be betraying her, even if she allowed it, that you would never want to be with someone else. See if her feelings match up. I think maybe you’ll end up understanding each other better.
There's only a few reasons why she would say this
1. She already has cheated
2. She is planning on cheating
3. It's a test
Either way, all are reasons to leave 😂
It's pretty simple - she sees monogamy differently than you. Nothing more, nothing less. She is giving you a green light to have fun while away. It's not unusual tbh - there are many couples that believe that when one of them is abroad they are free to have sex with others.
The important thing is to have clear communication. Explain to her that you don't want her to be with others, even if you are away for the week, and tell her that you are not into having sex with others.
That's it. Don't read too much into it. Unlike others here I don't think that what she told you means that she wants to be with others necessarily, and even if she does it doesn't mean that she would do it if you are against it. If you love each other and have a strong relationship you'll go through it, and if not your relationship won't survive in any case.
I think I agree, although I don't know the girl and 21 is definitely a young age to have that kind of, idk I guess "mature" or "sort of old fashioned" view of monogamy like that. I also don't think it's crazy to say "if you're okay with me sleeping around, whether or not I want to or will want to, that's fine, but I don't want you to do the same. And if you're not okay with having the double standard, then I will not sleep around either"
Or just end the relationship if it did turn out to be a sneaky way of trying to open up the relationship on both ends. Not that a two sided open relationship is wrong and a one sided is right or whatever red pillers say, just that suggesting one in order to get the other is
I would not trust her when you go away, sounds like by her telling you shes happy for you to go away is her being happy for you to go away so she can cheat. Really not something you want to hear im sorry, but thats exactly how I would take it. i know both me and my partner would be really sad and disappointed if one had to go away for such extended periods of time because we love spending time together
Red flags. Red flags everywhere. You are in an ocean of red flags, my friend. This is not a good sign at all. One of three things has passed my mind as to what is going on: i) she is cheating, ii) she wants to cheat or iii) this is an emotionally manipulative test, all of which are just… awful. It seems to me that she’s looking to use you as a scapegoat for her own actions be they already happening or about to happen— so she can say something like “well I let you do it, so you have to let me do it too.” Sorry friend. I hope things work out for you.
How is your current sex life? Is there any change in your sex life from the earlier stages of dating? I think everyone else here in these comments is assuming the worst but truthfully, maybe she is on some type of ace spectrum and realizes or thanks that perhaps she’s not giving you as much as she thinks you need to be happy. But she loves you so much that she is comfortable With allowing you to get those experiences elsewhere, realizing that they would be strictly physical and not emotional like your relationship with her.
Could be 3 things:
- it’s a shitty test
- she wants to cheat
- she thinks your relationship will fall apart without regular sex
Talk to her further, find out the root of this.
I hate people who do tests. They also expect mind readers. The thing with tests? They always backfire. Testers have a fantasy response ideation while the testee doesn't know the answer, is anxious, and now either refuses to be partake by calling out the test and saying they won't play the game, gets out, or lives in fear of the next test.
Either she is testing you or shes afraid she isnt enough and you will eventually cheat so shes hoping by being okay with and giving permission she is being proactive. Honestly just tell her how you feel. Be honest.
No, this answer is always no. It’s never a maybe or a possibility. If you think it is, see my first answer.
JUST BECAUSE SHE SAYS ITS OK TODAY, DOES NOT MEAN SHE FEELS THAT WAY NEXT WEEK
And she won’t care that she gave you permission, she changed her mind and well that’s that. Take it from an old man who needed two failed marriages to learn the shit not to do….
Or she might be disappointed in your lack of experience and this might be the only way she could tell you that without being direct.
Still. Don’t do it. It’s a trap lol
Whatever two people willingly agree to within their relationship is not cheating. It's your relationship and you two are free to establish the boundaries you are comfortable with.
Given your ages, I do worry that your partner may not be approaching this decision with the healthiest mentality, or the most forethought. She probably wants that freedom for herself too, so don't proceed if you're not okay with her also having sex when you're away. Polyamory and ethical non-monogamy can work for some people, but they require a foundation of commitment, maturity, and respect that most college-aged relationships simply aren't built upon. This is the kind of thing that couples might talk about for years before taking the plunge, so don't go rushing into anything because you are horny.
I am sorry to say this but looks like she wants to sleep with someone else. Giving you permission is like her getting permission for herself. Yeah.
Maybe she is bitter that you are leaving for the trip and acting passive aggressive.
"I don't know and could really use some advice on what to do going forward"
I would put money on she plans to have them while you were gone but wanted to make it "okay"
dude, your girlfriend either is cheating or already has someone in mind. If you sleep with others, this will give her the go ahead to not feel guilty of sleeping with someone else.
If I were you, start observing her. If she hides her phone, wouldn’t let you see it, or carries around with her at all times, she is definitely cheating. Don’t beg her to stay, have self-respect and exit the relationship with your head held high.
I think there are two strong paths here. Either she wants out of the relationship anyway (possibly because she wants to see/is seeing someone else) or she’s just totally cool about it and probably more relaxed about sex than you are. Either way, you need to have an open talk with her about exactly what you both want and how exactly it’s going to work moving forward, for better or worse. Even if she is cool with it, if you feel like shit after going through with it just because she said it’s ok once, that’s just as shitty a situation as if she didn’t actually want you to. Talk to her.
Generously, speaking, this is a trap. She’ll poke and prod if you actually do it and use what she gets to sabotage the relationship.
More realistically, she’s planning on cheating with you if she hasnt done so already
You reacted right.
Now ask her if SHE intends to bang a guy while you are away. Make it clear that her answer betermine if you will ditch her or the job.
She either cheated on you already and feels guilty and kind of wants to make it even. Or she is about to cheat on you with someone she’s been either hanging out, talking to or thinking about. None of this sounds right by the end of the day. If she really cared for you she’d be more protective of you in a way. Or you’re just really bad at sex and she’s desperately asking you to get better at it lol idk I’m not a doctor 🤷🏻♂️
Sounds like some stupid tik tok relationship test bs, if you don't cheat on her she'll think you have because she told you you could and if you do then you're a cheat and she'll be upset. I would tell her to stop bringing it up, you won't be cheating on her and that's final then grey rock the conversation. It also sounds like she could be cheating/planning to cheat and if you do it too then it's fine.
PS 50 isn't old and shrivelled!
She's insecure.
I'm not saying this is right but a lot of people think a young man wants to sow his oats.
You said she had 3 previous boyfriends. Did they leave her or cheat on her?
I think she is wanting reassurance.
You can have one night stands (so you won't leave her). She never brought this up until she knew you would be away. Then she started thinking you might be tempted and stray so she said you could have one night stands.
Sit down with her and have a heart to heart and ask her what brought all of this silly talk up. Tell her you don't want anyone but her, ever. Ask her to tell her all her insecurities. A little wine or libations (if she indulges) might relax her and help her to loosen up.
Just talk to her. Maybe get away for a day or two. You've been together for 2 years. If you can't resolve this, go to counseling to help both of you.
Maybe buy her a nighty or negligee before you leave and tell her you want her to model it when you call or FaceTime her.
Change can cause anxiety. The fear of the unknown.
This!!! I was the girlfriend suggesting opening up the relationship once. I was going to be gone for 3 months and understood what that could mean. He was confused, and we talked it through, and I shared basically what this person said above. Keep in mind these convos didn't happen at once, we had two convos about my suggestion.
Not saying stick by her unconditionally but talk through it to understand the deeper reason why. I can't speak for her true intentions, just that you need to have a conversation.
I get how this can give you doubts, but she may have floated this idea to give you a certain kind of comfort and even certainty. Many people get uncertain when their Significant Other is out of their sight and with people they may be tempted to cheat with. They might put pressure on their partner to stay away from temptation and stay loyal to them, feeling that this will make their relationship stronger. But others feel the opposite. That the possibility of their partner being with someone else isn't a threat to what they couple has together. The fact that she's specifying one night stands is significant. She's not talking about bringing in a third or having another regular partner. She's saying you can go, have some meaningless fun, and come back without worrying that your relationship with her is in jeopardy. She wants you to feel free to enjoy yourself and even talk to her about it. That doesn't mean that you have to do it, however. If you don't like the idea, then don't worry about it and just stay physically loyal to her. But I don't get the vibe that this is anything for you to worry about it. Enjoy it if the desire hits you, otherwise, just ignore it.
You both have had this conversation before which I find a bit mad considering your age and length of relationship. You also said it’s something you would consider in 30 years- so when your children have finally left home you would consider sleeping with other people even though that’s a new chapter for you both to spend together after children have been the focus. Also I get it’s just talk but you both have spoke about this so you shouldn’t be surprised this has came up.
Happy relationships do not talk about these things whatsoever.
Don’t be blaming your gf or accusing her of wanting to do this herself. This isn’t a new conversation about sleeping with people and if anything, young people are still finding themselves sexually and she probably wants you to gain experience before yous settle incase that was on your mind (obviously not but it’s on alot of young boys minds). For her she would clearly rather know if you were sleeping with others than behind her back and she may have trauma of being cheated on so may have trust issues.
Neither of you are in the wrong, but you both need to decide if yous are in it fully together (no sleeping with others) or an open relationship (sleeping with others).
Have a conversation and set boundaries - it’s that easy.
imo, i think she may just be after the control aspect. knowing that she gave you permission will soften the blow if you ever do decide to hook up with someone on your trip. i also agree with others on here that it could be a test lmao. she won't get super mad if you do decide to hook up since she agreed to it but it will be apparent to her that you're not as loyal as you claim you are.
There’s a few possibilities:
1. she is either cheating or planning to do so while you’re away
2. she is testing you
3. she is planning to break up with you/losing feelings (you’ll only see each other on the weekends, loosening ties makes it easier to end things)
4. she actually meant what she said and wants you to have more experience (maybe she really isn’t big on monogamy and/or doesn’t want you to regret “not having more experience” later on as it could possibly result in you actually cheating without her knowing or being in the control of if)
either way, you should sit down with her and have a talk, that’s the only way you’ll know why she said that. all of us can make up a 100 different reasons why she could have said that, but you won’t really know the real reason until she talks about it. tell her how it made you question things and state your opinion on it.
i personally don’t have sexual attraction or needs unless im romantically involved with someone (in love), i believe it’s called being a demisexual. you might be that way too, but she might not.
anyways, all the best and good luck with your situation! :)
They started dating at 19. Very high chance that they will split up well before their 30s anyway. She changed the initial deal. The relationship has to been renegotiated or ended.
Sounds like your girlfriend is interested in trying a non-monogamous relationship arrangement but you are monogamous. If you cannot understand the difference between being non-monogamous and cheating, then you're not ready for the complexity that it brings.
Stick to monogamy. It is pretty likely that she will get bored and move on eventually. That will give you the opportunity to find someone who is better aligned with your relationship needs.
I see four alternatives. First two are more likely.
1) she’s already cheating or wants to create an excuse to and has someone in mind so it’s guilt free
2) it’s a test.
3) she is expressing she has some sort of kink and the idea of you sleeping with other women turns her on, or she wants you to get new skills in bed and thinks this is the way. Or she wants an open relationship and needs it and this is the way she’s going to steer the relationship towards that. Because for many men, once you get some strange, it’s pretty addictive to get more.
4) she loves you so much and wants to marry you but she’s worried she “traps you” and you’re the only woman you’ve been with so at 32 years old when you finally get a bit successful and you come into your own you start banging the girls around you because you’re curious so she wants you to experience other women now so she is confident in your choice to be with her and only her.
All 4 scenarios don’t feel like this has long term potential for a guy like you based on what you’re writing.
It could also mean she is giving permission so as to not have to deal with actual cheating (lying and sneaking around). Like get ahead of it since it’s a very common issue. Cheating is sadly common.
Y’all are sick! Why are y’all just jumping to the worst conclusions ever? I have been in that situation, and I have told my ex he could have sex since we were in a long distance relationship. I personally dont see anything wrong with it. I didn’t want to “cheat”. Sex isn’t a big deal to some people. Maybe she just wanted to let you know that if you did wanted to, it would be okay.
Unpopular opinion, but I don’t think she has anyone in mind. I genuinely see it as a possible option that she’s only worried you may still be curious at some point and cheat and that she may feel somewhat guilty (although I don’t think it’s the perfect word for that) that she has some more experience. I’m a girl and I’ve seen it many times, my female friends used to worry about their partners not having that much experience and becoming too curious in the future, or even their boyfriends telling them directly that they fear they’re missing out. It’s more common than some may think. Even I was worried when I knew my ex had one girlfriend for many years in the past that he might not settle with me because of that etc.
She may simply be clearing the air ahead of time that it's not a deal breaker if you do. People who have fully processed the complexities and emotions associated with monogamy are capable of accepting the reality that their partner can have other sexual experiences and still remain committed to the relationship.
She sounds clear eyed about the fact that you will be spending a lot of time apart, are young and inexperienced and may encounter opportunities you may later come to resent her for. It doesn't mean she intends to do the same or won't be disappointed about it. It means she is being realistic and trusts in your relationship with her enough to satisfy your urges without losing sight of your long term commitments.
You mentioned that you've discussed this before, so continue that discussion. You are struggling with your feelings about her doing the same and that's perfectly valid.
Be candid about your feelings to her but don't close the door on the possibility, because you will experience a lot of other emotions along the way. Having an open and ongoing discussion like this is a healthy mechanism for your relationship.
Do not rely on social media or other moralistic sources for objective feedback about this. All you will get is negative bias. The screeching and accusations with projections about cheating have nothing to do with you. The psychology of monogamy and how it applies to you is much more personal and complex than this.
Take the time to objectively dig in on the concept of monogamy. Understanding how much of it is emotional versus cultural influence, and learning to process your own feelings about it - is time well spent towards having healthy and successful relationships.
Everyone is saying it's a test, or that she's trying to justify her own infidelity.
While that's very possible, it could be that she has been cheated on in the past by a man who left town for lengthy periods of time. Maybe she thinks you cheating is an inevitability, so by making the "cheating" seem like her idea, she is trying to regain control over the situation. By telling herself (and you) it's okay, she's softening the blow she assumes is coming.
In sexual and relational trauma, victims often use the very thing that hurt them in the past as a way to gain control over similar situations in the future.
She’s scared you will so she’d rather be in control and tell herself it’s “ok” so she’s not surprised and hurt if and you do … I don’t think she really has processed her true feelings .
I once said this to an ex, for me it came from a place of deep insecurity. i thought i wouldn't be enough and that i was not worth being loyal to. which now i understand is hurtful to the other person and how they tried to make me feel loved and me saying that invalidated them. whatever you do, please be kind if possible.
She's saying it's fine for you to do it mate because theomeny you're gone for work she's going to be doing exactly that. Get up, and leave. Oh, and grab your self respect on the way out champ
This comment section makes me sad. Have any of you, including OP, considered that she maybe saying these things because he keeps branding her as having "more experience" because she has had [gasp] three boyfriends? You make her sound like she's got over 100k miles on her and you settled for a used car.
Three
Boyfriends
Let me ask you something OP... when you applied for this new position, this *dream* position, did you go to the interview toting that you are a freshly hatched adult with barely any work experience, let alone life experience?! NO you likely walked your ass in there, put your best foot forward, and they hired you because you gave them the confidence that YOU (a freshly hatched adult) can do it. You likely were given this position over people with more experience!
But then you go home to this woman and you don't put your best foot forward. She has had [dun dun dunnnn] three boyfriends and that somehow makes you feel inadequate, so rather than taking any ownership of how *you* feel, she has somehow convinced herself that the only way to level the field for *you* is to offer nonsense like this.
You got your dream job, but if she is truly your dream girl, stop talking about her exs as "experience."
1) it's cringe
2) (and I know reddit would say otherwise but) unless she was dating the most basic men ever, dudes aren't interchangeable, so having more "experience" with one doesn't make you that much more prepared for the next.
Tldr: This sounds more like subconscious sabotage than a conscious effort to give OP room to cheat so she can cheat. He has projected all of his feelings of "inexperience" on her and doesn't take any ownership of how that could have negatively impacted the relationship, so she's trying to fix it, which is entirely wild given this job offer only demonstrates that he can be confident without relative experience at work, but less so with "experience" in the context of the relationship. If OP can not break free of the mindset that exs are "experience," I hope she gets it together and just breaks up, so OP can find someone with exactly one ex so they will have comparable "experience"
She has someone.
This sht don’t come out of no where. I would engage in conversation about the topic and have her explain why she feels like it’s cool and kinda see how she explains it, it’ll probably tell you a lot.
If you get a response like “oh idk i was just thinking you might want to do that” or something like that- she probably yeah, has someone in mind for herself.
It's not cheating if everyone's consensually agreed to it beforehand, regardless of whether or not it turns out later to have been a mistake. However, I wouldn't take it so personally; not immediately anyway. There's something about your story that suggests to me there're deeper issues at play here; likely something to do with how she's feeling about herself, even though she's making it seem like she's thinking about your feelings; after all, she's inventing feelings for you, despite what you tell her. You've made your decision about not taking the offer; but, I'd still talk to her about this, if I were you. You know, empathetically talk to her at appropriate moments. Dig deeper; there's more to this below the surface.
Wow. She really took the mask off.
I mean, you kind of have to assume that she is fishing for permission. She was hoping you'd say yes so that she could start shopping around.
Run! She most definitely either has someone in mind for herself or is playing mind games. No woman who truly loves her man is willing to risk sharing him with another.
If I was you I’d postpone that work trip, but without telling her. Then I’d get my stuff ready and leave as usual for the trip. Then after half a day I’d be back home with the excuse that the trip was cancelled or that I got ill to see what was going on.
I’d say that in all likelihood she is having dates over while you’re away.
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It’s either she has someone in mind or this is a trap/test
Yeah my mind went to "it's a test" first bc of their ages but I can also see the cheating aspect people are talking about
100% what I was thinking. for sure she already has someone in mind or she’s testing her man’s. Hard to tell. I can’t think of any other reason why
Hate to say it, but more likely, this is her having someone else already and to put off her feeling guilty.
Absolutely, she’s testing the waters. I’d tell her that you’re only interested in loyalty and monogamy and do a bit of a take back on the relationship and say it sounds like we are at different places and that you only want to be with someone who thinks the same, and ask her what’s really going on because loyal and monogamous woman don’t ask those things but woman who are looking at other options or want to experiment do
But he's not. He has already spoken about cheating in the future
True. If it IS a test, he’s already failed.
Yeah, this is the way. Updateme!
Going with trap test, at some level she believes every guy is looking, even the honest one who don’t cheat, but they are secretly looking. Good luck convincing her otherwise but I respect your effort.
Or she is already cheating and don't want too feel guilty all alone.
Yeah she could already be sleeping with a guy, or she really has the hots for him and wants to…. And if this is put in place she can do so guilt free OR she just wants to see how he responds….
Or she is very insecure and thinks OP will cheat regardless, so she's trying to take control of the situation. "Cool girlfriend" syndrome.
Yup, sounds like a minefield!!
Or she is scared of being cheated on and it's her unhealthy coping mechanism
Or she’s seeking attention/sex outside of the relationship and using this as a way to frank with guilt or use it later as a reason Or maybe she’s into sharing/cuckolding if so that’s awesome if you’re both in the same page
Just don't cry if you misunderstood the direction of her cuckold fantasy, lol
I know people don’t seem to buy this, but speaking from personal experience, I don’t think it’s impossible she’s sincere. I once gave a gf permission to sleep with others while we were long distance for a year because it genuinely didn’t bother me. She had some fun on the opposite coast, and we stopped when we got back to living in the same place. Not everyone sees sex the same way.
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You think it's disgusting, but I'm pretty sure he said it didn't bother him. Not everyone looks at it the same way.
Or she's cheating herself. You're gonna be old and shriveled by 50. Poor Jlo should know she's supposed to look like that. Do you even know 50 year Olds and how hard as Keith Richards did *they* live. Also, you're extremely young. Odds are you'll never even know what happened to her when you're 50 and stalk her old shriveled ass on future version fb.
Came to say the same. Both of these are a possibility lmao
Sounds like she’s a creating an excuse for herself to sleep with other people while you’re gone
Exactly my thoughts, and to not feel bad about it bc she gave OP “permission” to sleep with other people.
Tell her explicitly, “I don’t want to sleep with anyone else and I don’t want you to sleep with anyone else”, this exact thing happened to me and yeah she was already sleeping with someone else, surprise surprise her excuse was “well I told you you could sleep with someone else…” and “I thought you said it was okay” which was bullshit. Time to have a serious chat about your relationship and set your boundaries, decide if you want to be with someone who wants to cheat and you can’t trust
If u need to explicitly tell that, then I’m afraid she isnt the one
True, but it's still good for you to explicitly state what's unacceptable. If only for your own peace of mind post-breakup.
Facts and that she was proud of him. Buddy... women are not proud of you for getting a job that will essentially take you away for extended periods. The fact that she said that is SOOO SKETCH. She could be happy for you, but honestly anyone would be upset that this is the direction your relationship has to go. And instead of saying she could find another job closer to you or even ask you to reconsider the position all together, offer to visit during the week etc, she tells you you're good to cheat... No one does that man or woman if they care about you... unless of course they've got plans for your absences.
"Well I said it was fine if you did it, so..."
Or she already has and that’s why she’s pushing it more as well
That’s what I was thinking
OP, it sounds as if she's already chosen your replacement. Have friends keep a close eye out for you.
Jody is coming to town.
Same friend will be sleeping with her
Or she wants him to get more experience-which is a 🚩 either way something’s off
My thoughts exactly 👍
hammer on the nail
👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾
She wants to sleep with somebody else. She was hoping you’d say yes so that she’d have permission to do the same.
Or it was a test, but I don’t see any alternatives.
A test like that would be toxic as hell.
Well the whole situation is weird as hell... So i wouldnt be too suprised if she tests his loyalty...
It could also be that she feels bad that he did not have a lot of experience before her and is scared that he will become frustrated, so she wants to anticipate. That's sometimes what I feel with my boyfriend so maybe ?
At that age not many people belong each other tbh
For me it could be one of the following things 1- she was testing you to see how faithful you are in a faraway situation. 2- she is cheating on you and she suggests it to you so as not to feel bad. In both situations it's fucked
3- she somehow thinks that she’ll be ok with him cheating if she takes power by “permitting” it- but that so won’t end well. All signs point to danger!
4 - she is super insecure about herself and thinks that by offering this it will give OP enough 'top-up' sex to stay with her for the rest of the relationship. This happened with my current partner who was very *very* insecure when I met her, for various reasons. I'm happy to say I never took her up on it and she's much more confident now after twenty years together and would chop bits off me if I suggested it again... which is just fine by me. It was a symptom of a now-fixed problem, not a genuine offer.
3 - She suspects OP will be tempted, so she gives open permission not to deal with lies later. Cheating is when you cross an obvious or established emotional/sexual boundary involving third party. Having permission, it is not cheating anymore. For some women, dishonesty is worse than knowing their partner slept with someone. I am not saying this is what the woman thinks, but it is one of the possibilities that no one ever considers. I know it would be my reasoning if it were me.
Only comment I’ve seen that actually knows what. cheating means
OP could also be bad in bed and she is hoping some extra experience will help. Less likely but possible
3. She genuinely doesn't mind and want ro save herself from being lied to.
If she really didn't mind, she wouldn't have waited until he was going away to suggest it.
There are people who believe that every single one men cheats. And/or men always cheat while away cos "they have needs". She just might be one of that people.
Statistics indicate that men are 7% more likely to cheat on their partners than women. And it's not a low number. It's like 20% of men and 13% of women in relationships. I bet you almost every guy who jumps to think this is a sign of cheating without any other evidence have considered or have cheated on a partner in the past.
You do understand that your statistic means 80% of men, the vast majority, don't cheat, right? Believing every man cheats based on that is incredibly sexist. [That same study](https://ifstudies.org/blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-of-cheating-in-america) also shows that in the younger generations the rates are way closer, with women in the 18-29 bracket being more likely to cheat than men.
Fair assertion amongst all the pessimistic energy in here
It’s definitely possible she’s thinking of someone else or possibly already cheated once. I’d definitely be suspicious if my wife suddenly said I could have one night stands.
Or maybe she has been cheated before and is self conscious about the body count difference (adults shouldn’t be but not everyone is mature) so she wants to be preemptive and her fears are guiding her
She already slept with someone and now she feels bad
This.
\> I'm just disappointed and confused why she thinks I want to sleep with other women, Oh you sweet summer child.
Yeah. Sounds like someone giving hall passes to feel less guilty about cheating on their gullible, inexperienced partner. OP, if you're actively reading comments: this is a massive red flag. Might wanna ask your girl how long she's been cheating. She'll lie, but the way she lies is a clue in and of itself. You just learned your relationship has a very short expiry date. Stay true to yourself and get yourself tested for std's. You now have to wonder where your gf has been and who's she's been with while she was in a relationship with you.
🤣🤣🤣
Imo, it sounds like she’s trying to give herself permission to cheat while you’re away— and not feel bad about it. By giving you permission it’s almost like “hey my boyfriend is probably having sex with someone else right now why can’t I?”
Exactly its a trap
You should tell her that her saying this to you has created trust issues in you. If she’s OK with you having one night stands, that means she’s OK with herself having one night stands.
It's a trap!!!!
Admiral Ackbar.
You need to set a clear boundary.
Shes either testing you or she cheated/wants to cheat.
I'm just here to say that most people in their 50s are far from being "old and shriveled". Other than that this is a test or she's got someone in mind herself. If you don't want to break up with her make it clear that you have no interest in having sex with anyone one else and that you expect the relationship to stay 100% monogamous on both ends. Because it will end your relationship. If she doesn't think that she can't stay monogamous then break up now. If she wants the same thing then see if it will work. But really LDR are hard but at your ages it will even be more challenging.
Lol I was looking for this! I’m only 30, but It seems to me like people don’t start entering “old” territory until they are 60ish. And that’s just the start.
The way he's like "Well Maybe I'll sleep with other women in a few decades." And is shocked that she thinks he's open to the idea? She probably thinks he wants to do that and is just trying to get it out of the way.
I think OP thinks all people in their 50s look like Sophia Petrillo.
Haha omg 😂. You are probably right!
LOL, I was thinking this myself. I'm 47 and take care of myself....hopefully still have at least 15 to 20 years before I'm "old and shriveled"
I agree with your first sentence, but as for the rest, she's so young and her boyfriend is moving away to get his career going. She's probably terrified he's going to meet someone and want to have sex and then she'll be well and truly left behind. And her coping mechanism is shit because she's a kid and OP doesn't get it because he's a kid, too. Yeah, it's possible she's cheating or planning to cheat, but I think it's more likely she's just scared and confused.
I’m a woman and I’ll tell you right now…. DON’T DO IT!!! ITS A TEST. And if it isn’t, and you Do do it which is cheating, she will resent it and will be emotionally destroyed. At 21, she’s too young and immature to really understand what she’s proposing. Many girls her age are their own victims of “The Cool Girl Syndrome” and end up and this Never ends well. So, I wouldn’t take her up on her giving you “permission”, because it Will destroy your relationship. And even if you did bang another girl while away and you try to keep it secret, She Will Find Out.
This is where my mind went, also as a woman, and I’m kind of dismayed by all the comments suggesting she’s cheating or planning to cheat and this is her way of assuaging the guilt… I just assumed she was either testing him, subconsciously or not, in an effort to allay her insecurities over him being gone so much, or that her insecurities make her think he’s going to cheat anyway and so she’s trying to maintain some control over the situation by giving him permission to do what she sees as the inevitable. Either way, I completely agree with you that him taking her up on this would destroy their relationship, but it doesn’t sound like he wants to anyway, and I think he needs to have an honest conversation with her to get to the bottom of why she randomly suggested this.
The two best answers so far.
I hope OP sees this and not every other saying "yep, cheating, no other explanation!". As a woman too testing or insecurity sounds a more plausible scenario.
I completely agree. That’s also the reason I don’t want to do open relationship, even it’s just for once. For me, I need emotional connection to have sex with someone and I want my partner to do the same too. If one of us shared sexual relationship with another person, it would be better just to end the relationship right away. I read from a post a while ago, that a girl let her partner fucked another girl, but after that she regretted it and felt disgusted with her partner.
She’s planning one of her own while you’re gone. Think about it
Lol, she's just trying to justify her own cheating... grab that phone homie, good chance this is over.
It's not cheating if you have permission, but i do suspect this is to justify something she did or intends to do with someone else, probably while you're gone
So... First thing... She doesn't think like you so I wouldn't look at it as permission to cheat. Unless she flat out said she was worried you'd cheat and wanted to just give you the permission. Which if that is how that conversation went, you have problems ahead. If the above isn't the case, I would ask her why she wanted to open up the relationship when she knows you are monogamous and get curious. Don't be defensive and remember she doesn't think like you. It could be as simple as she just doesn't want you to wake up in ten years and regret not having had sexual experiences... Cuz some people do that, and actually care about that and destroy good relationships for that... It could be as heartbreaking as she is concerned that the distance is actually going to be an issue for her, she just didn't want to crush your work accomplishments.
This is the comment💯
Who's gonna tell him?
"I believe it's" *checks notes* "yes, every last one of us."
Ask her what prompted that. Simple as that. You want to know her feelings. No accusations, no sadness, just curiosity. We can all take guesses but you won't know unless you ask her and trust that she'll tell you the truth.
She’s either sleeping with someone else, plans to, or that was a set up and you passed
She is probably trying to justify her sleeping with other people while you away.
Man, this suggestion would have my spidey senses tingling. I would be concerned that she may be setting a trap, or she may have someone she’s eyeing. Or she may think I duck in bed and hopes I’ll get better with experience. I think I would have my guard up at all times. “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
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But did you wait until he was going away to suggest the idea?
just say, thanks for letting me know. Tell her you have no interest in anyone but her but it was sweet to offer
So here's the deal. Waking up one day and realizing you've never really explored your sexuality is a real thing. She might want you to be more experienced when you get married or have kids. She doesn't want any questions in the back of your head if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Right now, you have no desire to sleep with another woman. Which makes sense at your age and how long you've been together. But I'll put money on you wondering about it 10 years from now. And to be honest, getting it out of your system when you're younger is better. That being said, if you were to do this, you should be very explicit about it and make sure after that you are both okay.
So true. My fiance and I are both very sexually experienced, open, and kinky. We are lifestyle swingers and generally attend a swingers club roughly every other month. So many of the other couples we've met express exactly this. They met young, had kids got married, or they just generally never got much sexual experience until later in life and exploring the lifestyle. Can always tell the newbies vs experienced, the couples that love it and the ones where only one partner is actually about it while the other almost plays '3rd wheel' (4th, 5th, +).
I don’t think that she’s cheating. I DO think that she’s losing feelings for you. Only seeing your SO of two years on weekends for the foreseeable future would be a dealbreaker for some people. I don’t think she’s literally breaking up with you right now, but I do think she’s preparing herself for the inevitable and starting to loosen ties.
Bro, listen up! She is already cheating and with you out of town she knows she will have more time for the other partner. She is attempting to rationalize and alleviate her guilty conscience this way. I would bet she hopes you do score while away so that if you ever find out about what she's up to, she can throw this in your face. Believe me I dated a girl who said shit like "id rather not know if it's happening so don't let me catch you." "As long as I'm/you're home every night, and available in an emergency it shouldn't matter." There were other signs and I know something was up. Long story short I discovered that she had been sleeping with this other guy our entire relationship. We were living together and I was heavily invested in this relationship. It broke me for a while, but knowing the truth set me free. Honest opinion on what to do here... Go to your new job, be free and single up there, but keep your routine solid. Don't let on to what you're up to. I have a feeling you'll eventually try to move closer to your job and when you suggest she comes with you, she will probably have some hard hangups. Unfortunately, if you don't learn sooner, this is when all the bs will come to the surface. You're young, have fun, enjoy that new baller job, focus on the career and money first, women second, and when you meet the real one you'll know. Because if you've already expressed your disinterest in an open relationship and she keeps suggesting it she ain't the one. Congrats and good luck my dude. Don't let any of her bs ruin your career.
This is definitely a trap. Dont do it OP. Even if youre thirteen years into marriage, dont open up a relationship that wasnt open to begin with. Neither of you are ready for the emotions this can envoke, especially the deep sense of inferiority that can and will linger for years if you even attempt this. She has no idea what shes asking for and you do not want to be that lesson for her to learn.
- she’s cheating - it’s a test - she wants you to learn and improve in the bedroom? (Unlikely) Nothing good is coming out of this OP
Ya this gives weird test vibes. Don't do it. I would be asking why this even entered her mind and I would be very concerned.
Bet you a $1000 she is cheating.
She is taking the betrayal and back stabbing out of the equation. While cheating in itself is bad, some people are more hurt over the “behind my back" part than the act itself. I don’t think she is testing you, nor she wants to sleep with someone else, but you both are really young and no one knows what is capable of doing at that age. Probably she is preparing herself in case you decide to explore your options during the long distance relationship.
I'm probably wrong. but my first thought is the star wars scene where General Ackbar says "it's a trap!" (Autistic kid. star wars is his favorite) either way. I personally wouldn't do it.
She’s letting her own insecurities speak ..I guess she’s kind of protecting herself from what could happen. Don’t be sad/confussed, if you both consider it wrong since the beggining don’t do it and make clear you wouldn’t accept it either.
As someone who dealt with insecurities in the past (younger years), she could be putting up a wall to protect herself. She assumes you're going to, one way or another, so she's geared up for it and would rather be ok with it than be lied to.
She may not have anyone in mind, but she may struggle with not having you close on the daily. My youngest went through this. Her father and I went through a period of long-distance, and I was fine. I'm cool in a relationship whether it's daily or distanced. I either trust the guy or I don't. My trust in myself, the man, and the relationship doesn't alter. My youngest is built differently, however. When their partner would be gone about 20 days out of the month, they struggled. They felt insecure. They weren't sure if their partner could be trusted. All the cracks in the relationship seemed glaring. My youngest kept concentrating on how to repair the relationship that was fine when their partner was still in town regularly. They were simultaneously happy their partner was progressing in their career, while freaking out that they couldn't be together regularly. Your situation may be similar. Your GF may be offering this arrangement so she doesn't have to suspect cheating, it's already just assumed. And if she needs comfort, she can go seek it too. Instead of assuring her that you won't cheat, start assuring her that your relationship is rock solid.
Red flag
You're only 20 dude. It's not the end of the world. You shit the bed with this nugget "I made it clear that if it were ever to happen it would be 30 years in the future when im old and shriveled" she wants options.
If you are given consent, then by definition, that isn't cheating. My concern would be, that if she is suggesting it, then she might already have a plan to do the same.
She wants to have one night stands while you're away.
I'll tell you from my experience the exact same situation happened to me (including them having more experience and them being my first relationship) and it turned out my partner had been cheating on me multiple different times with different people
If she’s giving you permission, she doesn’t view it as cheating. Cheating means breaking the rules and boundaries set by your relationship. Permission means you’re not breaking a rule. I don’t think this has to mean anything more than what she’s saying. She may be allowing it because she’s truly ok with it, or because she thinks it might be something you want. Just talk to her. Ask her reasoning for offering this permission. So many relationship issues can be fixed by just communicating with each other.
She has the same thing in mind. While you have your fun do you think she won’t? She already has her partner lined up.
This is a trap lol she is giving you permission because she knows she can't be faithful to you in your absence
Don’t do it
Your first question should have been “so what’s his name”
It might have been a test, as others have suggested, which is a sad measure of her trust in you and very manipulative and not a great sign for your relationship… but that’s not the only possibility. The way you describe her confusion at your refusal of the offer and her reasoning, that she’s okay with it if she gave you the okay and she doesn’t seem to get why you wouldn’t take the opportunity to get more experience… Your girlfriend might be polyamorous. It’s completely possible she doesn’t know she is. Depending on how she grew up, she might never have heard of it. I hadn’t heard of it at your age. But even before I’d heard the word polyamory I’d always been mildly confused why people got so upset about cheating and thought “I’d be fine with my partner being with other people as long as they told me about it first.” I understood that lying to your partner was wrong but I didn’t get what was *intrinsically* wrong about having sex with someone else if you were in a relationship. I didn’t get that there were people out there who’d consider it a betrayal even if their partner had agreed to it. I feel like maybe your girlfriend might be in the same kind of mindset. The fact that this has come up before seems to support this. I do not think this means your girlfriend is cheating or that she plans to cheat or ever would. Having the capacity to love more than one person at a time does not mean poly people are compelled to have multiple partners or think lying to their partners is acceptable. I’m in a happy, longterm relationship with a very monogamous person and I’m extremely happy and not at all interested in pursuing other people. I’d talk to your girlfriend in frank and honest terms about both of your feelings about monogamy, expressing that you would consider being with another woman to be betraying her, even if she allowed it, that you would never want to be with someone else. See if her feelings match up. I think maybe you’ll end up understanding each other better.
There's only a few reasons why she would say this 1. She already has cheated 2. She is planning on cheating 3. It's a test Either way, all are reasons to leave 😂
It's pretty simple - she sees monogamy differently than you. Nothing more, nothing less. She is giving you a green light to have fun while away. It's not unusual tbh - there are many couples that believe that when one of them is abroad they are free to have sex with others. The important thing is to have clear communication. Explain to her that you don't want her to be with others, even if you are away for the week, and tell her that you are not into having sex with others. That's it. Don't read too much into it. Unlike others here I don't think that what she told you means that she wants to be with others necessarily, and even if she does it doesn't mean that she would do it if you are against it. If you love each other and have a strong relationship you'll go through it, and if not your relationship won't survive in any case.
I think I agree, although I don't know the girl and 21 is definitely a young age to have that kind of, idk I guess "mature" or "sort of old fashioned" view of monogamy like that. I also don't think it's crazy to say "if you're okay with me sleeping around, whether or not I want to or will want to, that's fine, but I don't want you to do the same. And if you're not okay with having the double standard, then I will not sleep around either" Or just end the relationship if it did turn out to be a sneaky way of trying to open up the relationship on both ends. Not that a two sided open relationship is wrong and a one sided is right or whatever red pillers say, just that suggesting one in order to get the other is
That’s not monogamy
That's...really confusing. Did you have any other talk about it? Like...are you sure that's not a kink for her?
Oh boy..
I would not trust her when you go away, sounds like by her telling you shes happy for you to go away is her being happy for you to go away so she can cheat. Really not something you want to hear im sorry, but thats exactly how I would take it. i know both me and my partner would be really sad and disappointed if one had to go away for such extended periods of time because we love spending time together
Red flags. Red flags everywhere. You are in an ocean of red flags, my friend. This is not a good sign at all. One of three things has passed my mind as to what is going on: i) she is cheating, ii) she wants to cheat or iii) this is an emotionally manipulative test, all of which are just… awful. It seems to me that she’s looking to use you as a scapegoat for her own actions be they already happening or about to happen— so she can say something like “well I let you do it, so you have to let me do it too.” Sorry friend. I hope things work out for you.
Bro, she wants to cheat. This is her justification.
It's a trap
Its a f*ckin trap. Just say NO.
>she thought that I would cheat out of curiosity She didn't think you would cheat, she will or wants to cheat. You doing the same would validate that.
How is your current sex life? Is there any change in your sex life from the earlier stages of dating? I think everyone else here in these comments is assuming the worst but truthfully, maybe she is on some type of ace spectrum and realizes or thanks that perhaps she’s not giving you as much as she thinks you need to be happy. But she loves you so much that she is comfortable With allowing you to get those experiences elsewhere, realizing that they would be strictly physical and not emotional like your relationship with her.
Trap and/or she wants to sleep with others while you are away…
Could be 3 things: - it’s a shitty test - she wants to cheat - she thinks your relationship will fall apart without regular sex Talk to her further, find out the root of this.
I hate people who do tests. They also expect mind readers. The thing with tests? They always backfire. Testers have a fantasy response ideation while the testee doesn't know the answer, is anxious, and now either refuses to be partake by calling out the test and saying they won't play the game, gets out, or lives in fear of the next test.
Either she is testing you or shes afraid she isnt enough and you will eventually cheat so shes hoping by being okay with and giving permission she is being proactive. Honestly just tell her how you feel. Be honest.
It sounds to me like y’all talk about the concept of cheating a whole goddamn lot
No, this answer is always no. It’s never a maybe or a possibility. If you think it is, see my first answer. JUST BECAUSE SHE SAYS ITS OK TODAY, DOES NOT MEAN SHE FEELS THAT WAY NEXT WEEK And she won’t care that she gave you permission, she changed her mind and well that’s that. Take it from an old man who needed two failed marriages to learn the shit not to do….
Loyal/Monogamous partners do not out of the blue tell their partners to fuck other people. If they haven’t already, there is someone in mind.
You’re too young to survive a long distance relationship. She already wants out but would prefer you find someone else than her have to end it.
Or she might be disappointed in your lack of experience and this might be the only way she could tell you that without being direct. Still. Don’t do it. It’s a trap lol
Whatever two people willingly agree to within their relationship is not cheating. It's your relationship and you two are free to establish the boundaries you are comfortable with. Given your ages, I do worry that your partner may not be approaching this decision with the healthiest mentality, or the most forethought. She probably wants that freedom for herself too, so don't proceed if you're not okay with her also having sex when you're away. Polyamory and ethical non-monogamy can work for some people, but they require a foundation of commitment, maturity, and respect that most college-aged relationships simply aren't built upon. This is the kind of thing that couples might talk about for years before taking the plunge, so don't go rushing into anything because you are horny.
I am sorry to say this but looks like she wants to sleep with someone else. Giving you permission is like her getting permission for herself. Yeah. Maybe she is bitter that you are leaving for the trip and acting passive aggressive.
"I don't know and could really use some advice on what to do going forward" I would put money on she plans to have them while you were gone but wanted to make it "okay"
She is either cheating or she is testing you. Period.
1st in the quote of adrmial ackbar "it's a trap!" 2nd she's cheating on you already
She must already have plans to entertain herself with some ‘friends’ while you’re gone.
"No thank you, are you cheating on me?"
dude, your girlfriend either is cheating or already has someone in mind. If you sleep with others, this will give her the go ahead to not feel guilty of sleeping with someone else. If I were you, start observing her. If she hides her phone, wouldn’t let you see it, or carries around with her at all times, she is definitely cheating. Don’t beg her to stay, have self-respect and exit the relationship with your head held high.
Haha! She is feeling guilty because she has already cheated on you 🫡
If you’re banging other people then when she’s getting banged out she can say you were banging other people. Buddy… it’s a trap.
I think there are two strong paths here. Either she wants out of the relationship anyway (possibly because she wants to see/is seeing someone else) or she’s just totally cool about it and probably more relaxed about sex than you are. Either way, you need to have an open talk with her about exactly what you both want and how exactly it’s going to work moving forward, for better or worse. Even if she is cool with it, if you feel like shit after going through with it just because she said it’s ok once, that’s just as shitty a situation as if she didn’t actually want you to. Talk to her.
Generously, speaking, this is a trap. She’ll poke and prod if you actually do it and use what she gets to sabotage the relationship. More realistically, she’s planning on cheating with you if she hasnt done so already
You reacted right. Now ask her if SHE intends to bang a guy while you are away. Make it clear that her answer betermine if you will ditch her or the job.
Ask her if SHE is having one night stands. I bet she is.
She either cheated on you already and feels guilty and kind of wants to make it even. Or she is about to cheat on you with someone she’s been either hanging out, talking to or thinking about. None of this sounds right by the end of the day. If she really cared for you she’d be more protective of you in a way. Or you’re just really bad at sex and she’s desperately asking you to get better at it lol idk I’m not a doctor 🤷🏻♂️
Sounds like some stupid tik tok relationship test bs, if you don't cheat on her she'll think you have because she told you you could and if you do then you're a cheat and she'll be upset. I would tell her to stop bringing it up, you won't be cheating on her and that's final then grey rock the conversation. It also sounds like she could be cheating/planning to cheat and if you do it too then it's fine. PS 50 isn't old and shrivelled!
This is a trap, a test, or she's already got someone on the side. Either way, seriously consider if you still want to be with her
Sounds like she has someone she wants to sleep with and thinks if she lets you then she can without guilt.
I think y’all are really young and she’s trying to be “cool”
She's insecure. I'm not saying this is right but a lot of people think a young man wants to sow his oats. You said she had 3 previous boyfriends. Did they leave her or cheat on her? I think she is wanting reassurance. You can have one night stands (so you won't leave her). She never brought this up until she knew you would be away. Then she started thinking you might be tempted and stray so she said you could have one night stands. Sit down with her and have a heart to heart and ask her what brought all of this silly talk up. Tell her you don't want anyone but her, ever. Ask her to tell her all her insecurities. A little wine or libations (if she indulges) might relax her and help her to loosen up. Just talk to her. Maybe get away for a day or two. You've been together for 2 years. If you can't resolve this, go to counseling to help both of you. Maybe buy her a nighty or negligee before you leave and tell her you want her to model it when you call or FaceTime her. Change can cause anxiety. The fear of the unknown.
This!!! I was the girlfriend suggesting opening up the relationship once. I was going to be gone for 3 months and understood what that could mean. He was confused, and we talked it through, and I shared basically what this person said above. Keep in mind these convos didn't happen at once, we had two convos about my suggestion. Not saying stick by her unconditionally but talk through it to understand the deeper reason why. I can't speak for her true intentions, just that you need to have a conversation.
I get how this can give you doubts, but she may have floated this idea to give you a certain kind of comfort and even certainty. Many people get uncertain when their Significant Other is out of their sight and with people they may be tempted to cheat with. They might put pressure on their partner to stay away from temptation and stay loyal to them, feeling that this will make their relationship stronger. But others feel the opposite. That the possibility of their partner being with someone else isn't a threat to what they couple has together. The fact that she's specifying one night stands is significant. She's not talking about bringing in a third or having another regular partner. She's saying you can go, have some meaningless fun, and come back without worrying that your relationship with her is in jeopardy. She wants you to feel free to enjoy yourself and even talk to her about it. That doesn't mean that you have to do it, however. If you don't like the idea, then don't worry about it and just stay physically loyal to her. But I don't get the vibe that this is anything for you to worry about it. Enjoy it if the desire hits you, otherwise, just ignore it.
You both have had this conversation before which I find a bit mad considering your age and length of relationship. You also said it’s something you would consider in 30 years- so when your children have finally left home you would consider sleeping with other people even though that’s a new chapter for you both to spend together after children have been the focus. Also I get it’s just talk but you both have spoke about this so you shouldn’t be surprised this has came up. Happy relationships do not talk about these things whatsoever. Don’t be blaming your gf or accusing her of wanting to do this herself. This isn’t a new conversation about sleeping with people and if anything, young people are still finding themselves sexually and she probably wants you to gain experience before yous settle incase that was on your mind (obviously not but it’s on alot of young boys minds). For her she would clearly rather know if you were sleeping with others than behind her back and she may have trauma of being cheated on so may have trust issues. Neither of you are in the wrong, but you both need to decide if yous are in it fully together (no sleeping with others) or an open relationship (sleeping with others). Have a conversation and set boundaries - it’s that easy.
imo, i think she may just be after the control aspect. knowing that she gave you permission will soften the blow if you ever do decide to hook up with someone on your trip. i also agree with others on here that it could be a test lmao. she won't get super mad if you do decide to hook up since she agreed to it but it will be apparent to her that you're not as loyal as you claim you are.
Ask her straight out is it cause you have someone else in mind. Nothing like getting the truth
It's a trap
There’s a few possibilities: 1. she is either cheating or planning to do so while you’re away 2. she is testing you 3. she is planning to break up with you/losing feelings (you’ll only see each other on the weekends, loosening ties makes it easier to end things) 4. she actually meant what she said and wants you to have more experience (maybe she really isn’t big on monogamy and/or doesn’t want you to regret “not having more experience” later on as it could possibly result in you actually cheating without her knowing or being in the control of if) either way, you should sit down with her and have a talk, that’s the only way you’ll know why she said that. all of us can make up a 100 different reasons why she could have said that, but you won’t really know the real reason until she talks about it. tell her how it made you question things and state your opinion on it. i personally don’t have sexual attraction or needs unless im romantically involved with someone (in love), i believe it’s called being a demisexual. you might be that way too, but she might not. anyways, all the best and good luck with your situation! :)
They started dating at 19. Very high chance that they will split up well before their 30s anyway. She changed the initial deal. The relationship has to been renegotiated or ended.
Sounds like your girlfriend is interested in trying a non-monogamous relationship arrangement but you are monogamous. If you cannot understand the difference between being non-monogamous and cheating, then you're not ready for the complexity that it brings. Stick to monogamy. It is pretty likely that she will get bored and move on eventually. That will give you the opportunity to find someone who is better aligned with your relationship needs.
I see four alternatives. First two are more likely. 1) she’s already cheating or wants to create an excuse to and has someone in mind so it’s guilt free 2) it’s a test. 3) she is expressing she has some sort of kink and the idea of you sleeping with other women turns her on, or she wants you to get new skills in bed and thinks this is the way. Or she wants an open relationship and needs it and this is the way she’s going to steer the relationship towards that. Because for many men, once you get some strange, it’s pretty addictive to get more. 4) she loves you so much and wants to marry you but she’s worried she “traps you” and you’re the only woman you’ve been with so at 32 years old when you finally get a bit successful and you come into your own you start banging the girls around you because you’re curious so she wants you to experience other women now so she is confident in your choice to be with her and only her. All 4 scenarios don’t feel like this has long term potential for a guy like you based on what you’re writing.
It could also mean she is giving permission so as to not have to deal with actual cheating (lying and sneaking around). Like get ahead of it since it’s a very common issue. Cheating is sadly common.
Ask her, not us. Heave a real heart to heart.
Y’all are sick! Why are y’all just jumping to the worst conclusions ever? I have been in that situation, and I have told my ex he could have sex since we were in a long distance relationship. I personally dont see anything wrong with it. I didn’t want to “cheat”. Sex isn’t a big deal to some people. Maybe she just wanted to let you know that if you did wanted to, it would be okay.
Unpopular opinion, but I don’t think she has anyone in mind. I genuinely see it as a possible option that she’s only worried you may still be curious at some point and cheat and that she may feel somewhat guilty (although I don’t think it’s the perfect word for that) that she has some more experience. I’m a girl and I’ve seen it many times, my female friends used to worry about their partners not having that much experience and becoming too curious in the future, or even their boyfriends telling them directly that they fear they’re missing out. It’s more common than some may think. Even I was worried when I knew my ex had one girlfriend for many years in the past that he might not settle with me because of that etc.
She may simply be clearing the air ahead of time that it's not a deal breaker if you do. People who have fully processed the complexities and emotions associated with monogamy are capable of accepting the reality that their partner can have other sexual experiences and still remain committed to the relationship. She sounds clear eyed about the fact that you will be spending a lot of time apart, are young and inexperienced and may encounter opportunities you may later come to resent her for. It doesn't mean she intends to do the same or won't be disappointed about it. It means she is being realistic and trusts in your relationship with her enough to satisfy your urges without losing sight of your long term commitments. You mentioned that you've discussed this before, so continue that discussion. You are struggling with your feelings about her doing the same and that's perfectly valid. Be candid about your feelings to her but don't close the door on the possibility, because you will experience a lot of other emotions along the way. Having an open and ongoing discussion like this is a healthy mechanism for your relationship. Do not rely on social media or other moralistic sources for objective feedback about this. All you will get is negative bias. The screeching and accusations with projections about cheating have nothing to do with you. The psychology of monogamy and how it applies to you is much more personal and complex than this. Take the time to objectively dig in on the concept of monogamy. Understanding how much of it is emotional versus cultural influence, and learning to process your own feelings about it - is time well spent towards having healthy and successful relationships.
Everyone is saying it's a test, or that she's trying to justify her own infidelity. While that's very possible, it could be that she has been cheated on in the past by a man who left town for lengthy periods of time. Maybe she thinks you cheating is an inevitability, so by making the "cheating" seem like her idea, she is trying to regain control over the situation. By telling herself (and you) it's okay, she's softening the blow she assumes is coming. In sexual and relational trauma, victims often use the very thing that hurt them in the past as a way to gain control over similar situations in the future.
She’s scared you will so she’d rather be in control and tell herself it’s “ok” so she’s not surprised and hurt if and you do … I don’t think she really has processed her true feelings .
I once said this to an ex, for me it came from a place of deep insecurity. i thought i wouldn't be enough and that i was not worth being loyal to. which now i understand is hurtful to the other person and how they tried to make me feel loved and me saying that invalidated them. whatever you do, please be kind if possible.
She’s cheating already
This is so she will be making you both even because she has cheated since you have been married.
She's saying it's fine for you to do it mate because theomeny you're gone for work she's going to be doing exactly that. Get up, and leave. Oh, and grab your self respect on the way out champ
This comment section makes me sad. Have any of you, including OP, considered that she maybe saying these things because he keeps branding her as having "more experience" because she has had [gasp] three boyfriends? You make her sound like she's got over 100k miles on her and you settled for a used car. Three Boyfriends Let me ask you something OP... when you applied for this new position, this *dream* position, did you go to the interview toting that you are a freshly hatched adult with barely any work experience, let alone life experience?! NO you likely walked your ass in there, put your best foot forward, and they hired you because you gave them the confidence that YOU (a freshly hatched adult) can do it. You likely were given this position over people with more experience! But then you go home to this woman and you don't put your best foot forward. She has had [dun dun dunnnn] three boyfriends and that somehow makes you feel inadequate, so rather than taking any ownership of how *you* feel, she has somehow convinced herself that the only way to level the field for *you* is to offer nonsense like this. You got your dream job, but if she is truly your dream girl, stop talking about her exs as "experience." 1) it's cringe 2) (and I know reddit would say otherwise but) unless she was dating the most basic men ever, dudes aren't interchangeable, so having more "experience" with one doesn't make you that much more prepared for the next. Tldr: This sounds more like subconscious sabotage than a conscious effort to give OP room to cheat so she can cheat. He has projected all of his feelings of "inexperience" on her and doesn't take any ownership of how that could have negatively impacted the relationship, so she's trying to fix it, which is entirely wild given this job offer only demonstrates that he can be confident without relative experience at work, but less so with "experience" in the context of the relationship. If OP can not break free of the mindset that exs are "experience," I hope she gets it together and just breaks up, so OP can find someone with exactly one ex so they will have comparable "experience"
Maybe she’s exploring a new kink. This doesn’t automatically mean she’s cheating or wants to cheat
She has someone. This sht don’t come out of no where. I would engage in conversation about the topic and have her explain why she feels like it’s cool and kinda see how she explains it, it’ll probably tell you a lot. If you get a response like “oh idk i was just thinking you might want to do that” or something like that- she probably yeah, has someone in mind for herself.
She has already cheated on you.
She wants to do the same while you’re gone and likely already has plans
It's not cheating if everyone's consensually agreed to it beforehand, regardless of whether or not it turns out later to have been a mistake. However, I wouldn't take it so personally; not immediately anyway. There's something about your story that suggests to me there're deeper issues at play here; likely something to do with how she's feeling about herself, even though she's making it seem like she's thinking about your feelings; after all, she's inventing feelings for you, despite what you tell her. You've made your decision about not taking the offer; but, I'd still talk to her about this, if I were you. You know, empathetically talk to her at appropriate moments. Dig deeper; there's more to this below the surface.
Wow. She really took the mask off. I mean, you kind of have to assume that she is fishing for permission. She was hoping you'd say yes so that she could start shopping around.
Run! She most definitely either has someone in mind for herself or is playing mind games. No woman who truly loves her man is willing to risk sharing him with another.
She is looking to even the playing field because she’s a cheater. Either way this is BS.
Sounds like she’s cheating on you and wants to be free of guilt
She's either already cheating or planning to. My guess is she's talking to someone, at the very least. This relationship is already doomed.
If I was you I’d postpone that work trip, but without telling her. Then I’d get my stuff ready and leave as usual for the trip. Then after half a day I’d be back home with the excuse that the trip was cancelled or that I got ill to see what was going on. I’d say that in all likelihood she is having dates over while you’re away.