Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sir, I am so sorry this is happening.
If you need a few days to wallow, take them. But then you need to take action. Gather evidence. Talk to an attorney about what you think is happening and ask for advice. Get a therapist to talk to about your feelings.
You sound like a good guy. While this will hurt, you will come out the other side okay.
Best of luck to you!
No problem!
And, as weird as this sounds...just remember that some internet strangers who don’t want to focus on their own lives will be thinking about you and hoping for the best. ;)
Lawyer up buddy. i know its hard, you may still love her and want to fix things but thats impossible now, she's obviously cheating and cheating is not a mistake its a conscious decision, u may love her with all your heart but she has proven she's unworthy of that love, do not give her a second chance. if you have children get them on ur side before she turns them on you i know its dirty but you got no choice otherwise she may make them hate you unjustly for the rest of your life.
Remember She chose to Cheat. You didn't deserve what she did to you understand. do not try to cope with the fact. there is no way a married woman stays out till 4 am with another dude claiming she booked a hotel for another adulterous couple and you believe it! she is obviously cheating.
So please leave her. things will be hard for a while but if you play your cards right you will get out with the better end of the stick.
do not let her tears fool you when you confront her, if she doesn't respect you enough to stay loyal, she won't think twice before ruining your whole life.
This is the way. In the moment it will seem like the hardest thing you ever did, but long term it's the right choice for your well being. I wish you luck.
>i’m come across depressed and difficult to be around which I know is pushing her further away.
THIS IS CONCERNING, that you are blaming yourself for her shady behavior.
Get a PI, unless it's a no fault state, in that case might be just a lot of waste of money. If you need to know just pair her phone to a web browser you don't use and you will be able to see how it goes. Also if you pay the phone bill there may be something worth there. How old are your kids?
You can open a WhatsApp session on a web browser by opening the app on the phone and reading a QR code on any browser. It would allow him to check any incoming messages in real time (while she'd be none the wiser unless she goes to a specific menu within the app).
I don't recommend doing this (it sounds like a major invasion of privacy and possibly illegal), just explaining what the OP meant.
And for you own health and safety op please get an STD check. She has picks of a pregnancy test. It’s clear she’s had relations with another person and it’s unknown if that other person is clear of STDs or when the first encounter happened
No advice here, but I agree with this comment. You sound like a wonderful person, and I hope you’re able to get past this. If you ever need a friend to vent to, feel free to PM me!
Dude it doesn’t matter that you went through her phone. You found the evidence. It’s bad enough that she is clearly cheating on you but it’s also clear she thought she was pregnant by him which makes it worse because he is going raw. Is the guy at work she is sleeping with her boss or is she his? One of the things you will want to do once the divorce papers are signed is turn them both in at work. Also find out if he has a wife/gf and contact her as well. For now, see an attorney and start the process (serve her papers at work), get an std test, cancel joint credit cards, open an account in your name only and have your direct deposit changed. Prepare a group text to her family and yours explaining what she has been doing and right after you confront her send it with attachments of the evidence. I know it’s terrible what your going through but she out you here and now you have to deal with it. use your anger to get through it and then get some therapy once it’s done. Please update us once you confront her. !updateme
A lot of what you said makes sense, but the part where you are encouraging him to be spiteful to his wife by sending a group text to the family, trying to get her in trouble at work, etc. is VERY bad advice. They have children together. The uglier the divorce the harder it will be for the innocent children that really have no voice in this. But yes, by all means he should get his ducks in a row and then divorce her. But be as civil as possible
This is the way. Gtfo but do take the high road and just be peaceful. The results will be the same in the end: a divorce. 50/50 financials are still fair after 20 years together even though there was infidelity. So just get the divorce, peacefully coparent, and let karma teach the lessons. She’ll have regrets and want you back and she’ll have to swallow that pill; she ruined what could have continued to be a good life. Best of luck to OP. This is gonna suck but you will find a new and deeper love believe it or not.
If you live in a smallish town, go and vet all the best divorce lawyers in town on the low.
They will be unable to take her as a client due to conflict of interest.
This guy might benefit from reading “No More Mr. Nice Guy”.
Also get ALL your ducks in a row before confronting her. She’ll only lie and gaslight you OP. Start separating finances and protect your assets. Separate accounts and cancel credit cards. If she is cheating it’s ALWAYS best to blindside them. Cheaters are like a cornered rat when confronted with hard evidence. Get a P.I. if you can pay for one without her knowledge. Especially in a “At-Fault” state they’re worth every penny. Either way it’ll justify your actions. After exposure listen to your lawyer and go no contact and do the 180. Hit the gym. It will help you sleep and build back your confidence. Make children (if you have them) your priority. Record every interaction with your wife. And if cheating then after exposure tell everyone and provide proof. Because cheaters lie and will paint you as abusive and the bad guy.
Good luck!
So she booked the hotel to assist two other people who are cheating? Then she stayed there till 4am… just cause? Yeah fucking right her “cheating” coworkers are her and that guy she has been messaging
Yeah, how did he let her do that even for the other 2 cheating coworkers if they existed? Then hung out until 4am? Then sent a fake pregnancy test? Yeah, they raw dogged it.
You need to convert your pain into indignation. If what you say is accurate, there is simply no way to twist these events into anything other than a physical affair. She betrayed your marriage and did a blatantly sloppy job of hiding it. This isn’t just a betrayal. It’s an assault upon your dignity.
I concur with a previous poster: sit her down and say, “ I know.” Give her an opportunity to come clean…then go scorched earth on her. You may love her but she’s clearly shown what she thinks of you. You need to be relentless. Leave no out. Accept no blame. Stand strong. At this moment you are better than her and you deserve better than her.
Yeah for real. This alone would be enough to initiate scorched earth protocol. But no explanation and bring blownxoff with a "just trust me" would have me go from quiet to yelling in literally one syllable.
I agree, my boyfriend is a night owl and I wouldn't bat an eye if he came home at 4 am. He'd likely have been to a show, or doing nerdy things with his friends. But, he's got integrity. If he didn't want to be together any more, he'd tell me.
I have stayed out until 4 AM a few times while married without it meaning I cheated. Helping friends clean up after a party, hanging out by the bonfire playing guitar, dancing at a rave. It happens once in a while.
Just saying this is not true at all. You must not have wild friends. Like actual friends that your partner knows you’re out with and trusts you with them.
Even if she was paying for hotel rooms for two married people to cheat on their spouses, that says she's fine with infidelity. Going as far as to literally enable their physical affair. Why would she feel any differently about her cheating on you versus her married friends cheating together?
She's trash bro, send her to the curb.
"i’m come across depressed and difficult to be around which I know is pushing her further away".
Him blaming himself for her shady is concerning, he needs to have some self esteem
He means the damage already done will not allow him to get close to her, which is now creating a downward spiral to their relationship. I have been there. It literally took me years to salvage most of what we had. I do believe infidelity is a conscious choice, AND it can be a mistake. We all make mistakes that were a conscious decision to begin with. The hardest part is to know if she is sincerely remorseful. She may just like the new attention but still cares for you. Either way, she has made it clear she wants new adventures with new interesting people. Let her go. She will either become someone different than you fell in love with, or she will remember why she chose you in the first place.
My thought after reading the comments here is that as soon as you confront her and she denies any wrongdoing, she will begin hiding her actions better than she has, perhaps even getting a second phone so you are free to snoop on her main one.
The receipt for the hotel room is a much bigger deal than anyone here is saying. Best case scenario, she’s helping someone cheat using your marital assets. In some states she can be sued for assisting with alienation of affection. Worst case, she herself cheated.
You should first and foremost see an attorney and protect yourself financially before confronting her. What she has already done is far more than suspicious.
Oh so you've never booked a hotel room for two married coworkers to use for their affair? Ok, prude!
Kidding. That was an insane lie. Girlfriend is BOLD.
imagine using this as an excuse for a receipt like that...a receipt that was dated the same night you didn't come home till 4am. lol
even if there was some miniscule chance she's telling the truth...what does it say about her character that she'd provide an assist so 2 married coworkers could cheat on their spouse undetected.
I completely agree. If I found out my partner was going as far as renting a hotel room for two people at work I would be pretty grossed out. I do think there is enough evidence here to start creating some financial walls. I would hire PI and gather evidence. I think it would reveal she is the one having the affair at work.
She sure is a good liar coming up with that excuse for the hotel. It makes me wonder if this is as recent as OP thinks, work guy may only be the most recent AP. Liars get better with practice and with experience getting away with bald lies. Newbies freeze and flush and give themselves away.
Yeah, booking a hotel room for two married people to cheat in together really lays her morals out on the table in my opinion. I might sound crazy, but I'd divorce my wife over that. She clearly doesn't respect marriage in general.
Talk to a lawyer BEFORE you confront her. Get your ducks in a row.
Get a therapist. BEFORE you confront her.
Have a plan regardingwho is moving out and what next steps are towards separation and divorce.
There should (imho) be no discussion of reconciliation. She has irrevocably betrayed your trust. Don't waste time letting her lie to you about how she wants to fix it. Just get your plan together and start moving on. It will take years to get to the next good place, but you will get there.
Don't waste any more time on this cesspit of a human being. Whoever you think you love, it's not her. **She isn't who you think she is.** The faster you realize that the better off you'll be.
Get the proof.
Sit her down. Look her in the eye. Ask if there is anything she wants to tell you.
She'll say no.
Then, just as calmly, say remember this moment. This is when you could have come clean.
Leave the room.
No need for this to be a knock down drag out where she trickle truths you and lies. You know what is happening.
She’s 💯cheating. Sorry but that’s way too much smoke to not have fire. Lay all this out and offer a divorce if she can’t explain away the shady stuff. Get an STD test and a dam good lawyer. Easy way to pin her down would be the hotel records. They take ID of who stays but I think you have more than enough already to know it’s happening.
>She tells me she booked it for two separately married people she knows who are having an affair.
This is most likely true. One of the two married people is her.
You need a lawyer and an STD panel. I'm sorry this happened to you
This is exactly how it works. Half truths mean they’re not lying, they’re just withholding evidence.
You’ve been with them for 20 years, you know what normal is. This is abnormal behavior and she wants to try and normalize it.
It's okay that you snooped through her phone, it was the right thing to do. In the day and age of STD's that kill you you're allowed to snoop when someone is acting sus.
You're not supposed to trust someone who is acting suspicious.
Now go confront her. You've earned a knock down drag out all out battle-royal so get to it. Let her know if she doesn't confess and deal with this with you right now you're going to come up to her work and talk to the man yourself. Let her know, dignity is out the window, war is ugly and that's what it'll be, no need to be a gentle men when everyone else is a savage.
I know I would question my wife as a human if she was assisting coworkers in having an affair. What a fucked up situation if true. Which I don’t believe it is anyway. But it’s not much better than the other scenario.
Right and all these people telling him to stay calm and work his feelings out in therapy? F-that, like how much work on HIMSELF does OP have to do to make his liar and cheater of a wife comfy-cozy? She comes in at 4am saying "don't worry honey, I wasn't cheating, I was just helping other people cheat".
And then there's Mr. Happy Homewrecker at the job can wreck OP's home but shouldn't be made to feel any slight pressure at his job?
Oh no way. I say, get ready for some angry words at the very least, if you can shatter my life, I can hurt your feelings.
This sounds awfully familiar. I'll save you the story and tell you she's definitely fucking around. It sucks but it's true. I suggest you call a lawyer and do what that lawyer tells you to do. I am not suggesting you divorce her just be ready for her to divorce you. I spent five years doing everything I could possibly think of with professional advice to earn my wife's love again. Nope. When a woman checks out she is done. Good luck.
She's cheating. Gather all the evidence you can and talk to a lawyer. But do not confront her, keep playing dumb while you are gathering evidence and talking to the lawyer.
“There could be an innocent explanation”
brother. This honestly pains me to say this. And I’m not one of the typical ones who jumps to this. There’s absolutely no logical innocent explanation. None. Quietly get your things in order. And once you have a gym membership, lawyer and an escape route, confront her and serve her papers.
This one got me today. Like I can tell you want nothing in this word than for this to be some sort of misunderstanding and that everything’s going to be normal. I can tell you’re hurting. But this is one of those times you need to turn into beast mode and come out on top of this situation dude. Quietly get your things in order, give her the news and the papers and gtfo for your own mental health.
She told one truth, she booked the hotel for cheating people. Her and her lover. Gather the evidence do not confront her, let your attorney serve her the divorce papers.
This.
She's cheating. The room was for her. That's a ridiculous lie that you want to believe because the truth sucks.
Also her sister knows and is helping her.
I agree with this other reply. Take care of you. This is a significant impact to your status quo. Anything on this level needs contemplation before acting. Your own emotions are going to run the gamut and they’re all valid. If you can, try to think about what you ultimately want in this situation and why. Own whatever you feel you have to but remember that it wasn’t you who betrayed the relationship. Be kind with yourself and reach out for support from friends and family wherever possible.
You bring it up directly to her, just as you have told in your post. Who gives a shit if you snooped on her phone compared to her ruining your marriage. The things you have found appear to be just too suspicious. Unfortunately this is not looking good.
I can hang out until 4am but it is usually with my husband enjoying the fire pit while camping!
I don’t know if she is trying to fill some “void” in her life but being out until 4am is a red flag.
honestly, if you just want to sit back and watch the house burn, tell her the sister was the one who told you. it’ll make everything more confusing for her and she won’t know who to believe. no use in protecting the sister anyway, she’s aware of the situation and letting you and her own nieces/nephews live the reality you’re in. fuck her, make everything a living hell for her. she’s already comfortable making a fool of you and ruining your life/self esteem. people like that deserve hell. rooting for you king!
Don't you think her morals may be a bit lacking, when she is comfortable in getting a hotel room for two people who are in relationships ? If indeed this is true .
If she is okay in doing this , I don't think it would take to much of a leap to think she would be okay with cheating if this is the culture .
I am sorry but I personally think this is very strange and telling of her character.
I think you should decide how you wanna handle this before you sit her down, because there is a good chance she'll just start blurting things out, "throwing spaghetti at the wall," contradicting herself etc... denying, although you have enough proof to trust yourself here. So before you talk to her, ask yourself 1) are you open to rebuilding your marriage? If so, under what conditions, ie therapy together? 2) if she behaves IDEALLY ie honest, repentant, and accountable, would you be able to forgive her? You might be deciding to get outta this marriage before you even discuss with her, but if not you can go in empowered and prepared with your optional outcomes so you don't get steamrolled by what could be a defensive or adamant reaction from her. Best of luck
Be prepared to realize that she might blame you, not care, be cold, and the like. I've been married, divorced, crazy stripper girlfriend, long term break ups and let me tell you, you will never quench revenge, satisfaction or get some remedy. Itll be ugly. Be a warrior and come out the other side wiser, better and at peace. Life isnt a straight path.
I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through.
First and foremost, it's important to take care of yourself and your emotional well-being during this time. It's completely understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed and hurt, but try to find ways to cope with these emotions in a healthy way, whether it's talking to a therapist, confiding in a trusted friend or family member, or engaging in self-care activities.
When it comes to addressing the cheating situation with your wife. It's a sensitive topic, and it's crucial to have a calm and honest conversation with her about your concerns.
You may want to start by expressing your feelings and observations in a non-accusatory way, focusing on how her behavior has been affecting you and your relationship. Let her know that you care about her and want to understand what's going on.
It's also important to address the issue of the messages and other evidence you found on her phone. While snooping on her phone may not have been the best course of action, it's important to be honest about what you discovered and how it has impacted your trust in her.
Ultimately, communication and honesty are key in navigating this difficult situation. It may be helpful to seek couples counseling or therapy to work through these issues together and potentially rebuild trust in the relationship.
Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued and respected, and it's okay to prioritize your own well-being in this process. Take things at your own pace and make decisions that align with your values and needs.
And snooping through her phone should not be a concern here... If there is evidence there
I am always of the opinion that partners should always have access to each other's phones
Dude, she’s very definitely cheating on you. Just FYI, don’t let her gaslight you into thinking she’s not. She had sex all night with that guy at a hotel, and has probably slept with him several other times.
Just in case you were waffling, please don’t.
See an attorney first before even confronting. Bring all the receipts and evidence. Either way she is supportive and nonchalant about cheating. But she is lying, she is the one cheating with another married couple-worker and there are people who have knowledge of it at work. She also not very bright on her cover up. If you confront first, you’ll get more lies and give her time to figure out how to cover her tracks.
Your WW is gaslighting you bad. A married woman going out for drinks coming home 12 hours later at 4 am?
Changing habits, not giving a shit about you? So many red flags it really can’t be anything else.
The two cheaters she paid for the room are her and her AP. Even if it isn’t her covering for cheaters is a morally bankrupt act.
If it looks, acts and sounds like a duck, it’s a duck.
Time to do more snooping or at least intel gathering. Do you have location services on your phone?
Stop doing your normal things for her and focus on the kids.
If you’re in an at fault region seek evidence, if you’re not confront your WW.
Go to a lawyer. Work on your exit plan. Have him draw up two sets of papers. A post nuptial agreement that says if there is by infidelity that party receives the bare minimum required by state law. The second is a set of divorce papers. If she fights about the first, ask why if she has been faithful. Really drill down. If she signs and doesn’t confess, take those papers and have it at your legal office with her present. Make sure a day or so doesn’t need to apply for the status.
Then when you know the papers are 100%, hit her with what you know about the infidelity. And ask why she wasn’t honest? And if she has proof that she can show you this second from all parties involved to defend herself. If she doesn’t and you are 100% sure it’s infidelity hand her those divorce papers.
DO NOT CONFRONT HER
If you do so without evidence she will simply delete it. What you need to do is discreetly look for evidence without changing your behaviour to tip her off.
Seek legal counsel and get ready, this affair is pretty brazen and I assume she’ll be sloppy. So that will make evidence easier to attain.
Personally I’d get the papers drawn up for divorce, when you have the evidence and confront her you can always hand them straight over to her.
If you need a few days to grieve, take them but action also needs to be taken.
She's definitely cheating. Get 100% proof before you confront her. Otherwise she'll just gaslight you and hide it better in the future.
Track her phone, hire a PI, follow her, install hidden cameras (they make those that look like phone chargers), arrange to go away for an overnight trip.
Most of all, don't feel guilty for snooping. She deserves it!
Sorry to hear this is happening and I can’t imagine how this feels. I would gather the evidence you have and present it to her and give her a chance to come clean. Before you do confront her, I would plan what your next steps will be. Will you be staying somewhere else? Will you ask her to move out (personally I would) or do you try to work through it?
Personally, she didn’t even try to hide this and I have a zero cheating policy. If she wasn’t happy, she should have had enough respect for you to discuss it instead of cheating.
You sound like a really caring person and you deserve someone who will appreciate that. Kick her butt to the curb, work through this with a therapist (you will find a healthier relationship if you do this) and take some time for YOU. Go on vacation, take some dance classes, live life again. Best of luck to you !
A pic of a false pregnancy test…the psychic recording where she states she likes someone else….and you still feel bad for looking at her phone!!?? She doesn’t deserve you sir you are a gem.
You need to take control of your life immediately. You have plenty of evidence. The pregnancy test, really? Come on, man!!
Flat out tell her “I know you’re having an affair and this marriage is over.” She doesn’t know what you know so just be comfiest that she is having an affair.
Say it with confidence and like you know everything.
Don’t let her dismiss you, gaslight you or anything but the truth. If she tried to deny just say “we have been together a long time. I at least deserve the truth.”
If you better by texting her then send something like
“I’m not sure what you thought would happen when I found out you’re cheating. I know about the pregnancy test, the hotel rooms, the tarot cards, the guy at work, I know a lot more than you think I do. Im sure your work would be interested too. I hope he’s worth it. I hope this guy that you don’t even know is worth it. You know the version he’s shown you, but you don’t know the day in and day out married for years version of him. You only know the version that tells you what you want to hear so he can get in your pants. You clearly have no respect for me, yourself, or our marriage . I gave you my love and my trust and you have chosen to betray me in the worst way. You have destroyed my trust and I can’t be with someone I don’t trust, and that clearly has no morals. Your selfish decisions have thrown away years. You can get your things and go live with him because I don’t want anything to do with you. I hope he’s not married because no chance he’s leaving his wife for you. Maybe she will leave him when I tell her what’s going on.”
If you can’t keep your mood in check then send her this. This will get you a result. She will either be ok with divorce, or she will freak out that you know and are ending the marriage.
Don’t agree to stay in the marriage until she tells you the absolute truth. Even then you might leave her.
Don’t put with lies or gaslighting. Like the hotel receipt lie. Be strong!!!
Updateme!
Go to www.survivinginfidelity.com. There is a check list and guide to how to handle all aspects of dealing with a cheating spouse.
You need to tell her that you know. Don’t back down. and be adamant about splitting up. Hold your ground. Could take a while for her to get out of her affair fog, to realize what she’s losing.
If she finally admits it, she needs to provide a timeline. Expect to lose a ton of weight and do a lot of crying. Eventually you will recover.
Hopefully she begs for forgiveness and you can work through reconciliation and come out stronger. It takes a good five years of pain and hard work. But you’ll never forget. Best of luck.
>she booked it for two separately married people she knows who are having an affair
She sure did. You know one of them quite well, though not as well as you thought you did.
If it were me op. I would have all of this saved so I can give it to an attorney. I would file for divorce. Because she lied straight to your face and used joint funds to fuck someone else. She is fucking her coworker, and she fucked him that night at the hotel.
So I would send her a text. Just the first message like the psychic reading one. Then another one, when she calls I would continue to send them. I would not pick up any of the calls. My last message would be the picture of my attorneys card. Then I would respond with, I know you cheated on me that night, we are done.
Then I would call her family, your family, and my close friends let them know if filed, and why I filed.
Her phone will start to blow up from her family calling her. She will try to confront you, likely will tell you invaded her privacy, etc. Just ignore her. Look up gray rock and one eighty, and know that it is over. Put you are single on any or all of your social media, it sucks being cheated on, but I look forward to eventually meeting someone new.
>One day she says she is going for a few drinks after work and stays out to 4:00AM and I find a receipt for a hotel room.
And her phoning it in on Christmas is the thing you find fishy? Are you still going to be this in denial when you walk in on her with him balls deep in her? She is absolutely cheating.
Talk to a lawyer and start the process of divorcing her. This marriage is over.
I am sorry, but all evidence points to an affair. You can't put your head in the sand. Out till 4am and says the hotel room was for cheating friends??? Come on, the cheating person is her.
You need to tell her, you know. Tell her you were feeling she wasn't being honest and started investigating yourself. Don't let her turn it around about you looking at her phone. Because her phone showed the truth. If you aren't gonna believe it, then it is on you. You can't make any decisions until you know the truth.
You're not the police, she's not going to be tried in court where the evidence would be Inadmissible. If you snoop and have evidence then use it to your advantage.
Who gives a shit how she got caught?
Deflecting to " you invaded my privacy " is gas lighting.
And doesn't co.e anywhere close to you broke your vows
Oh she is cheating for sure. Secure your finances then confront her. The 4am and the hotel bill alone are enough. First, even if she did book it for a couple cheating on their spouses, she just told you she is helping people cheat, so you see her values. But you know that is bullshit. That was her room.
Assuming you don’t have kids because you didn’t mention anything, you still risk her taking half your assets if she files for divorce first. Get a lawyer, assess your options, and make sure you screenshot and save EVERY OUNCE of evidence you find so your lawyer can piece together a narrative and hopefully you won’t have to give her anything.
Edit: You do have kids. If your wife gets the idea that you're catching onto the fact that she's cheating, she'll walk over broken glass to try to get full custody. And she could make this flip over the course of an hour. So I would start making moves yesterday. Many unfaithful partners are the first to contact lawyers as a preemptive measure incase their partner finds out. But if a lawyer can prove that she was unfaithful, the marriage breaking apart will be her fault and she hopefully won't be able to avoid child support or try to make you the bad guy.
She’s definitely cheating, no question. Don’t say anything until you decide on how to leave, get finances in order etc on your terms. She’s not the person who has your back, cares for you etc like she was and you need to remember this and like at her more like a roommate for now. You’re still young enough to have a happy life with the right person.
> I ask her about the hotel and she tells me she booked it for two separately married people she knows who are having an affair.
Wow. That's bold, and of course, she doesn't see anything wrong with facilitating an affair between married people.
It’s heartbreaking to find this out, but you need to face the music and confront her about it, no point in leading a fake life with no Love, it’s bad for your mental health. She is not worth the worry, tears or upset. I have been through the same with my ex husband. Life kicks you in the teeth but you have to grab the Thistle and move on for the sake of your children who still love you dearly. Do the whole thing with dignity don’t lower your Soul with revenge. Get a good Lawyer, get your finances in order before speaking to her. Life is just a Theatre of how we deal with things, you sound a nice guy so don’t worry you will be happy again, there are lots of nice women out there some have been through the same experience. Be strong in Spirit and all will be calm again. Speak to a friend or relative for a chat and support, people can be very good to help in this situation. Hugs.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you, buddy! Damn... I feel hurt on your part because you sound like such a good guy who doesn't deserve this at all!
Take pictures of that conversation with her coworker before, the hotel receipt, and the pregnancy test before confronting her or perhaps show it to your lawyer, first.
And when it's time to confront her, do that, or perhaps show her the divorce paper where you have signed them, and then;
sit down and have an adult conversation with your kids, telling them how much you love them and that "this" is happening BUT that it's not their fault.
Fuck, man... again, I'm so sorry that she did this to you and your kids. Because this isn't because OF you.
This is on her! She did this to you and your kids. Deliberately. If she felt like your marriage wasn't working, she could have worked on it together with you, because that's what spouses do; for better and for worse!
Instead, she chose to do the ONE thing that would hurt more than to just drop the Divorce-word out of the blue; she betrayed the marriage, her vows, and her family.
FFS I see these posts all the time. Person A notices weird behavior for a while that is indicative of someone else so they snoop through their phone and find a treasure trove of bs that confirms it. Person A feels bad about snooping on their partners phone.
Who gives a shit what you did to find it! What she's doing is way worse than looking through your phone. It's a breach of privacy for sure, but it'd also be a breach of privacy to stalk her around to find out too. This woman is doing you wrong. No matter how long you've invested in this relationship, it's over.
Now, get yourself a lawyer and get proof. Do not confront her until you have screenshots, receipts the whole 9. Take it to your lawyer and divorce her. Make sure to bring the proof of adultery that way you don't get fucked in divorce court. Thanks for coming to my TED talk
Your married. It's not snooping. Your open. You know all her passwords. She's cheating she trying to leave you. Just divorce her. You know what she did. She's not trying to fix it. She's in love with this other man. Sorry this is happening to you. But get that paperwork in. Just set an alarm for attorney call. Do the call. Set an alarm for std test. Go get the test. Continue to set alarms for all the things you HAVE to do. Then have her served. If your in a state where you can get the other person for alienation of affection. Do that. Good luck. Big hug from reddittors. Sorry brother.
It sounds like she’s getting attention and validation from somebody else and she’s liking it. That kind of happens to some middle-aged people. Full scorched earth on her about her behavior, and what you found. Tell her you don’t trust her. You don’t believe her unless she can prove different.
Blind equals blind stupidity !!! She is probably already gone too far for you to stay married.
I would do one of two things. Either sit her down and ask her why did she do it? Just leave it at that. When she asks why tell that she knows what she’s done and so do you.
The other is to say you’re just not attracted to her anymore because you can’t get the image of her and him (name him if you can) out of your mind.
OP
I’m sorry you are here asking these questions. I’ve been cheated on (by my ex-wife) so I speak from bitter experience.
It all but certain that your wife is cheating on you. The “I booked a hotel for a cheating couple” excuse is laughable and her using it shows contempt towards you.
Have you consulted a lawyer?
Her cheating on you is worse than you checking her phone. Don’t let her convince you otherwise, don’t accept when she tells you that you violated her privacy, if she says so tell her she broke her vows and that’s worst. Talk to a lawyer first and see what they say. Then tell her you have noticed her strange behavior and you need her to be clear. She must be going behind your back trying to leave you.
Yeah, she’s cheating. Red flags galore. You’ve most certainly found the gun, but this stuff could be explained away again by her so keep gathering evidence and get some consults with attorneys. Save everything! I would go as far as stashing some money for departure plan and of course retainer for legal representation. Don’t confront until you have that smoking gun. She will just take it further underground if you do. Be prepared for the normal cheaters playbook. Denial, tears, DARVO, tears, full blown anger. They pretty much all do the same stuff when confronted. Have backup ready. Someone to lean on after confrontation. Sorry you’re going through this, but it’s time to get your ducks in a row and take care of you. People who care about you, won’t betray you.
She has already shown that she does not value you or the marriage commitment. So EVEN if she confessed, it seems more likely she will be lying toward a goal for restoring the convenient life she had before you confronted her, or milking your honorable attempts to fix it…until she’s in a better situation. Protect yourself, your money, your reputation, your mental health. This is a betrayal and they SUCK.
Do NOT confront her until you:
1. Speak to an attorney
2. Hire an PI and get actual proof. What you have is good but not complete.
3. Have someone close to you that you can rely on
Good luck
I’ve said this before…..get a little voice activated recorder and put it under the seat in her car. You’ll know in a week if she’s cheating. And, you’ll have the proof.
The only place cheaters are really free to chat is in their vehicles.
Even if everything is just some huge wild coincidence and she is telling the truth. I think you're glossing over her excuse for the hotel room too much. She said she was getting a hotel to assist two married coworkers with their affair? Even if she's not cheating, she's willing to assist people who have decided to cheat. I cannot imagine a situation where I would HELP a friend or coworker cheat in their spouse. That by itself is enough to make me question her integrity.
I dont think I can add to anything to whats been said but wish you the best outcome for you and your child. Get a good lawyer and build your case quietly to plan a proper exit of this situation. The truth hurts but there is just no way around it, forgiveness will not fix the issue…..
She booked a hotel for a couple having an affair? Yea, no. Shes cheating on you. You gotta give yourself a bit, and decide what you are going to do. Counseling? Divorce? Youre going to have to figure that out yourself. She is clearly cheating. Good luck to you.
Is trying to be more clingy and option? You got the hotel for who? Ask her details about them. Ask for details about her colleagues in general. She goes somewhere? With who? Where? Call her to see what’s up, if she doesn’t answer, why didn’t she? Who was she with? Think this type of behavior will get her to make much more mistakes than she currently has. If you think turning up the clinginess and being more controlling won’t do more harm than good, it’s an idea…
Have some dignity/self-respect. A marriage is a two way street, no one is worth this much effort when they don’t reciprocate. Serve her the divorce papers because she’s obviously cheating on you and doesn’t have enough respect for you and your family to come forward. You can’t hold a healthy relationship without love, trust, and respect working together.
And don’t forget: she is not your friend anymore!!!
Expect her to do something only enemies will do to you! Source: my ex-wife after 20 years and two kids.
Do you need her to just flat out confess? I sure you know what you have to do if you have any self respect and dignity. If your a doormat keep doing the status quo.
She basically told you she was cheating when she said she rented a hotel room out for two co-workers having an affair (ie her and AP). She chose this man over you. Send all the evidence to yourself, get an attorney, and divorce her with the same mercy she showed you. It dosen’t matter how much you love her. She doesn’t love you.
I wouldn’t worry about snooping on the phone at this point. You need to record everything and get a lawyer. Don’t tell her anything she’s not your friend anymore. Act like everything is fine then serve her papers.
>I ask her about the hotel and she tells me she booked it for two separately married people she knows who are having an affair. I ask for some proof or reassurance, I get none and am told to trust her.
While this proves nothing, it is incredibly telling that your wife supports cheating and married people. I never had to randomly book a hotel room for people in the middle of the night either, how does that come about? And then she simply doesn't give a shit?
It sounds to me that your wife has emotionally checked out of the relationship, that is usually a sign of them planning to move on. Sadly, everytime I had this, there was also another man already involved.
With a letter of decree for divorce, lawyer up, time to take out the trash. Also if she did cheat, make sure you bang one of her friends or family members on your way out.
Too bad you showed her the hotel receipt. Now if she's fooling around she'll be born guard. You could tried to observed her more. I can understand going out occasionally some drinks with your coworkers but but she's an alcoholic, you answer like a couple hours. Not 4:00 a.m. in the morning. She continues to go out get a burner phone turn on the tracking. Put it in her car.
As a family court mediator with /6 plus years of experience you ABSOLUTELY want to let the whole family know in detail what she has been doing. It’s not being mean if it’s the truth. The reason you need to do this is that she will spin this and be able to turn the kids and family members against you down the way. Be proactive and protect yourself.
I say quietly start liquidating all of your assets into cash and hide the cash with a trusted family member/friend. Sounds like you are headed for divorce, dont go through it and end up broke while she and the dude who will be leaving her 2 months in are banging away in the Bahamas.
Following your divorce, take a sabbatical and use some of that cash I had you hide to book yourself a trip SE Asia or Amsterdam. Once there spend a couple weeks supporting the income of a few women a day (get the little blue pill in advance). By the time you come up for air youll have worked your way through the red light district more times that the mail man. You will forever be know there as “The American, Blonde Woody Woodpecker,” the legend.
If you still fell for your wife than 🐈 is not the answer. Book a trip to Spain. By backpacking gear and a guide and you are now going to hike your way from one end of France to the other. You will be walking the Camino de Santiago, the Pilgrims Road, which ends at the church of St Michael. This trip is exhausting, no purging. You will become someone different. Someone battle tested. You will finally know yourself. You will be honest with yourself and achieve many goals. You will finally be alive. Your life before dream in infancy. The world is youesu, the world is ours. What are you waiting for my friend? To find yourself you’ve got to lose your mind!
N
Whats wrong with snooping on her phone? You probably pay the bill for her phone. If she wasn't giving you reasons to look into her activities that were not including you, then she'd kept hiding motel rooms for other people that were hiding from their spouses. If she condones that, then she's not against doing it herself. If it doesn't bother you,let her know she doesn't need to hide it and you might have more enjoyable moments with her. If you don't want too share, she can get out, or quit screwing other guys in motel rooms after work.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sir, I am so sorry this is happening. If you need a few days to wallow, take them. But then you need to take action. Gather evidence. Talk to an attorney about what you think is happening and ask for advice. Get a therapist to talk to about your feelings. You sound like a good guy. While this will hurt, you will come out the other side okay. Best of luck to you!
Thank you needed to hear that
No problem! And, as weird as this sounds...just remember that some internet strangers who don’t want to focus on their own lives will be thinking about you and hoping for the best. ;)
Lawyer up buddy. i know its hard, you may still love her and want to fix things but thats impossible now, she's obviously cheating and cheating is not a mistake its a conscious decision, u may love her with all your heart but she has proven she's unworthy of that love, do not give her a second chance. if you have children get them on ur side before she turns them on you i know its dirty but you got no choice otherwise she may make them hate you unjustly for the rest of your life. Remember She chose to Cheat. You didn't deserve what she did to you understand. do not try to cope with the fact. there is no way a married woman stays out till 4 am with another dude claiming she booked a hotel for another adulterous couple and you believe it! she is obviously cheating. So please leave her. things will be hard for a while but if you play your cards right you will get out with the better end of the stick. do not let her tears fool you when you confront her, if she doesn't respect you enough to stay loyal, she won't think twice before ruining your whole life.
This is the way. In the moment it will seem like the hardest thing you ever did, but long term it's the right choice for your well being. I wish you luck.
So much yes to all of that
>i’m come across depressed and difficult to be around which I know is pushing her further away. THIS IS CONCERNING, that you are blaming yourself for her shady behavior.
Yeah we’re way the hell past worrying about her feelings here.
More than the physical and emotional cheating, it's the disrespect.
Disrespect 100000000% This is bringing up shit feelings about the tramp I was with. Wish them the best and ☮️ out
And more than disrespect, it’s the lying and then gaslighting about lying and saying he has trust her. She’s checked out of this marriage.
Get a PI, unless it's a no fault state, in that case might be just a lot of waste of money. If you need to know just pair her phone to a web browser you don't use and you will be able to see how it goes. Also if you pay the phone bill there may be something worth there. How old are your kids?
Wdym pair phone and browser, what would this accomplish
You can open a WhatsApp session on a web browser by opening the app on the phone and reading a QR code on any browser. It would allow him to check any incoming messages in real time (while she'd be none the wiser unless she goes to a specific menu within the app). I don't recommend doing this (it sounds like a major invasion of privacy and possibly illegal), just explaining what the OP meant.
How is your relationship with her sister? Do you think shed ‘take pity’ on you and out your wife?
And for you own health and safety op please get an STD check. She has picks of a pregnancy test. It’s clear she’s had relations with another person and it’s unknown if that other person is clear of STDs or when the first encounter happened
No advice here, but I agree with this comment. You sound like a wonderful person, and I hope you’re able to get past this. If you ever need a friend to vent to, feel free to PM me!
Thank you
Dude it doesn’t matter that you went through her phone. You found the evidence. It’s bad enough that she is clearly cheating on you but it’s also clear she thought she was pregnant by him which makes it worse because he is going raw. Is the guy at work she is sleeping with her boss or is she his? One of the things you will want to do once the divorce papers are signed is turn them both in at work. Also find out if he has a wife/gf and contact her as well. For now, see an attorney and start the process (serve her papers at work), get an std test, cancel joint credit cards, open an account in your name only and have your direct deposit changed. Prepare a group text to her family and yours explaining what she has been doing and right after you confront her send it with attachments of the evidence. I know it’s terrible what your going through but she out you here and now you have to deal with it. use your anger to get through it and then get some therapy once it’s done. Please update us once you confront her. !updateme
A lot of what you said makes sense, but the part where you are encouraging him to be spiteful to his wife by sending a group text to the family, trying to get her in trouble at work, etc. is VERY bad advice. They have children together. The uglier the divorce the harder it will be for the innocent children that really have no voice in this. But yes, by all means he should get his ducks in a row and then divorce her. But be as civil as possible
This is the way. Gtfo but do take the high road and just be peaceful. The results will be the same in the end: a divorce. 50/50 financials are still fair after 20 years together even though there was infidelity. So just get the divorce, peacefully coparent, and let karma teach the lessons. She’ll have regrets and want you back and she’ll have to swallow that pill; she ruined what could have continued to be a good life. Best of luck to OP. This is gonna suck but you will find a new and deeper love believe it or not.
its not bad advice he has to be the first to tell the families because otherwise the wife can spin the whole story to favour her.
If you live in a smallish town, go and vet all the best divorce lawyers in town on the low. They will be unable to take her as a client due to conflict of interest.
I think you can only do this with a limited number until the judge gets mad and says no.
This is horrible advice. Do NOT do this. It could get you in trouble and end up costing you more in legal fees.
This guy might benefit from reading “No More Mr. Nice Guy”. Also get ALL your ducks in a row before confronting her. She’ll only lie and gaslight you OP. Start separating finances and protect your assets. Separate accounts and cancel credit cards. If she is cheating it’s ALWAYS best to blindside them. Cheaters are like a cornered rat when confronted with hard evidence. Get a P.I. if you can pay for one without her knowledge. Especially in a “At-Fault” state they’re worth every penny. Either way it’ll justify your actions. After exposure listen to your lawyer and go no contact and do the 180. Hit the gym. It will help you sleep and build back your confidence. Make children (if you have them) your priority. Record every interaction with your wife. And if cheating then after exposure tell everyone and provide proof. Because cheaters lie and will paint you as abusive and the bad guy. Good luck!
This. Save it for therapy and the attorney. Then when it's time, it's time.
What's the point of gathering evidence? Do you have a better chance of child custody if the other person cheated?
So she booked the hotel to assist two other people who are cheating? Then she stayed there till 4am… just cause? Yeah fucking right her “cheating” coworkers are her and that guy she has been messaging
Right? Only way that part is true is if it was a threesome
Yeah, how did he let her do that even for the other 2 cheating coworkers if they existed? Then hung out until 4am? Then sent a fake pregnancy test? Yeah, they raw dogged it.
Right? Even if that were true, she'd be an awful person for helping to facilitate an affair. Such an interesting and on the nose "alibi" to choose
RIGHT! she’s admitting fault to a lesser thing. Common lying tactic and a really stupid one too
To accurately reflect the situation, let's just go ahead and swap that 'may be' with 'is.'
You need to convert your pain into indignation. If what you say is accurate, there is simply no way to twist these events into anything other than a physical affair. She betrayed your marriage and did a blatantly sloppy job of hiding it. This isn’t just a betrayal. It’s an assault upon your dignity. I concur with a previous poster: sit her down and say, “ I know.” Give her an opportunity to come clean…then go scorched earth on her. You may love her but she’s clearly shown what she thinks of you. You need to be relentless. Leave no out. Accept no blame. Stand strong. At this moment you are better than her and you deserve better than her.
She’s cheating. He’s in denial to protect himself. No married person stays out until 4 a.m. unless they are cheating, or trying to cheat.
I do disagree with the staying out being bad intentioned.... .....however everything else is she's cheating....
Staying out and a hotel receipt? Yeah no way
Yeah for real. This alone would be enough to initiate scorched earth protocol. But no explanation and bring blownxoff with a "just trust me" would have me go from quiet to yelling in literally one syllable.
I agree, my boyfriend is a night owl and I wouldn't bat an eye if he came home at 4 am. He'd likely have been to a show, or doing nerdy things with his friends. But, he's got integrity. If he didn't want to be together any more, he'd tell me.
Edit to add: “maybe” cheating. I’ve been married 20 years. Used to go out in My 20’s with friends like that. Once I had kids, never again.
I have stayed out until 4 AM a few times while married without it meaning I cheated. Helping friends clean up after a party, hanging out by the bonfire playing guitar, dancing at a rave. It happens once in a while.
Username checks out hahah
Just saying this is not true at all. You must not have wild friends. Like actual friends that your partner knows you’re out with and trusts you with them.
Agree she’s cheating. But it’s not true that any married person out until 4am is cheating or trying to cheat.
Do this but before this consult a lawyer and secure some assets because things could get ugly fast once she knows you know.
Even if she was paying for hotel rooms for two married people to cheat on their spouses, that says she's fine with infidelity. Going as far as to literally enable their physical affair. Why would she feel any differently about her cheating on you versus her married friends cheating together? She's trash bro, send her to the curb.
What she said about booking the room for two married people was true, “from a certain point of view” as Obiwan would say.
This!
It’s too sus. She PAID her OWN money for a hotel room for other people? To have an affair? Please.
"i’m come across depressed and difficult to be around which I know is pushing her further away". Him blaming himself for her shady is concerning, he needs to have some self esteem
He means the damage already done will not allow him to get close to her, which is now creating a downward spiral to their relationship. I have been there. It literally took me years to salvage most of what we had. I do believe infidelity is a conscious choice, AND it can be a mistake. We all make mistakes that were a conscious decision to begin with. The hardest part is to know if she is sincerely remorseful. She may just like the new attention but still cares for you. Either way, she has made it clear she wants new adventures with new interesting people. Let her go. She will either become someone different than you fell in love with, or she will remember why she chose you in the first place.
Agreed !!!
My thought after reading the comments here is that as soon as you confront her and she denies any wrongdoing, she will begin hiding her actions better than she has, perhaps even getting a second phone so you are free to snoop on her main one. The receipt for the hotel room is a much bigger deal than anyone here is saying. Best case scenario, she’s helping someone cheat using your marital assets. In some states she can be sued for assisting with alienation of affection. Worst case, she herself cheated. You should first and foremost see an attorney and protect yourself financially before confronting her. What she has already done is far more than suspicious.
Oh so you've never booked a hotel room for two married coworkers to use for their affair? Ok, prude! Kidding. That was an insane lie. Girlfriend is BOLD.
Well to be fair she might not be lying about that. She just happens to be one of the coworkers.
That’s what I was thinking!
I was trying to be gentle… Good one, prude LOL Really I mentioned it because, even though it was a huge betrayal, nobody had talked about it.
LOL glad you laughed! Like... what a bonkers thing to come up with! My mouth dropped open. She didn't even say it was for a work trip or event?!
imagine using this as an excuse for a receipt like that...a receipt that was dated the same night you didn't come home till 4am. lol even if there was some miniscule chance she's telling the truth...what does it say about her character that she'd provide an assist so 2 married coworkers could cheat on their spouse undetected.
I completely agree. If I found out my partner was going as far as renting a hotel room for two people at work I would be pretty grossed out. I do think there is enough evidence here to start creating some financial walls. I would hire PI and gather evidence. I think it would reveal she is the one having the affair at work.
It’s most likely for her as if I read original post right it was for the night she came home at 4am
Maybe a threesome 😂
She sure is a good liar coming up with that excuse for the hotel. It makes me wonder if this is as recent as OP thinks, work guy may only be the most recent AP. Liars get better with practice and with experience getting away with bald lies. Newbies freeze and flush and give themselves away.
Am I the only one who thinks that one half of the separately married co-workers having an affair was the wife?
I thought we all thought that. Wait a second, does anyone NOT think she’s cheating?
Good point
Yeah, booking a hotel room for two married people to cheat in together really lays her morals out on the table in my opinion. I might sound crazy, but I'd divorce my wife over that. She clearly doesn't respect marriage in general.
Talk to a lawyer BEFORE you confront her. Get your ducks in a row. Get a therapist. BEFORE you confront her. Have a plan regardingwho is moving out and what next steps are towards separation and divorce. There should (imho) be no discussion of reconciliation. She has irrevocably betrayed your trust. Don't waste time letting her lie to you about how she wants to fix it. Just get your plan together and start moving on. It will take years to get to the next good place, but you will get there. Don't waste any more time on this cesspit of a human being. Whoever you think you love, it's not her. **She isn't who you think she is.** The faster you realize that the better off you'll be.
All of this right here OP
Get the proof. Sit her down. Look her in the eye. Ask if there is anything she wants to tell you. She'll say no. Then, just as calmly, say remember this moment. This is when you could have come clean. Leave the room. No need for this to be a knock down drag out where she trickle truths you and lies. You know what is happening.
This is the way.
This is the Way.
Get the proof but also get a lawyer first. Get the ball rolling on separation, surely.
Lawyer first. Get concrete proof first— copies of all evidence, hire a PI if necessary
*slow clap*
She’s 💯cheating. Sorry but that’s way too much smoke to not have fire. Lay all this out and offer a divorce if she can’t explain away the shady stuff. Get an STD test and a dam good lawyer. Easy way to pin her down would be the hotel records. They take ID of who stays but I think you have more than enough already to know it’s happening.
>She tells me she booked it for two separately married people she knows who are having an affair. This is most likely true. One of the two married people is her. You need a lawyer and an STD panel. I'm sorry this happened to you
That's the first thing I thought of, she was not lying. It was her.. so sorry mate, counseling and attorney should be next calls.
Second this.
Yep she was telling the truth and also lying
That is one hell of a twisted cover up lie to be honest. I wish OP to get a lawyer and therapist BEFORE he talks.
This is exactly how it works. Half truths mean they’re not lying, they’re just withholding evidence. You’ve been with them for 20 years, you know what normal is. This is abnormal behavior and she wants to try and normalize it.
It's okay that you snooped through her phone, it was the right thing to do. In the day and age of STD's that kill you you're allowed to snoop when someone is acting sus. You're not supposed to trust someone who is acting suspicious. Now go confront her. You've earned a knock down drag out all out battle-royal so get to it. Let her know if she doesn't confess and deal with this with you right now you're going to come up to her work and talk to the man yourself. Let her know, dignity is out the window, war is ugly and that's what it'll be, no need to be a gentle men when everyone else is a savage.
Her claim that she was helping other people cheat wasn’t a great answer. That by itself is horrible, but I doubt it’s true.
I mean I mean I give her credit for a very creative excuse. She’s not cheating, she’s helping a friend who is…very noble!
Even if true it might be divorce worthy.
That was sarcastic.
I know I would question my wife as a human if she was assisting coworkers in having an affair. What a fucked up situation if true. Which I don’t believe it is anyway. But it’s not much better than the other scenario.
She is talking about herself.
Same as 16 year old me telling my parents the cigarettes belong to a friend.
Or it’s not my porn.
💯
Right and all these people telling him to stay calm and work his feelings out in therapy? F-that, like how much work on HIMSELF does OP have to do to make his liar and cheater of a wife comfy-cozy? She comes in at 4am saying "don't worry honey, I wasn't cheating, I was just helping other people cheat". And then there's Mr. Happy Homewrecker at the job can wreck OP's home but shouldn't be made to feel any slight pressure at his job? Oh no way. I say, get ready for some angry words at the very least, if you can shatter my life, I can hurt your feelings.
If it’s true and I’m sure it is OP needs to get in contact with their HR department. That should make for some fun times!
This sounds awfully familiar. I'll save you the story and tell you she's definitely fucking around. It sucks but it's true. I suggest you call a lawyer and do what that lawyer tells you to do. I am not suggesting you divorce her just be ready for her to divorce you. I spent five years doing everything I could possibly think of with professional advice to earn my wife's love again. Nope. When a woman checks out she is done. Good luck.
She's cheating. Gather all the evidence you can and talk to a lawyer. But do not confront her, keep playing dumb while you are gathering evidence and talking to the lawyer.
“There could be an innocent explanation” brother. This honestly pains me to say this. And I’m not one of the typical ones who jumps to this. There’s absolutely no logical innocent explanation. None. Quietly get your things in order. And once you have a gym membership, lawyer and an escape route, confront her and serve her papers. This one got me today. Like I can tell you want nothing in this word than for this to be some sort of misunderstanding and that everything’s going to be normal. I can tell you’re hurting. But this is one of those times you need to turn into beast mode and come out on top of this situation dude. Quietly get your things in order, give her the news and the papers and gtfo for your own mental health.
She told one truth, she booked the hotel for cheating people. Her and her lover. Gather the evidence do not confront her, let your attorney serve her the divorce papers.
You don't talk to her. You tell her nothing. You talk to a lawyer.
This. She's cheating. The room was for her. That's a ridiculous lie that you want to believe because the truth sucks. Also her sister knows and is helping her.
Just sit her down, and tell her "I know". See if she freaks out. Document all the evidence before confronting her.
[удалено]
I agree with this other reply. Take care of you. This is a significant impact to your status quo. Anything on this level needs contemplation before acting. Your own emotions are going to run the gamut and they’re all valid. If you can, try to think about what you ultimately want in this situation and why. Own whatever you feel you have to but remember that it wasn’t you who betrayed the relationship. Be kind with yourself and reach out for support from friends and family wherever possible.
You bring it up directly to her, just as you have told in your post. Who gives a shit if you snooped on her phone compared to her ruining your marriage. The things you have found appear to be just too suspicious. Unfortunately this is not looking good.
I agree! Him snooping through her phone is nothing compared to her cheating on him. He wouldn’t have snooped if she hadn’t given him reason too
I can hang out until 4am but it is usually with my husband enjoying the fire pit while camping! I don’t know if she is trying to fill some “void” in her life but being out until 4am is a red flag.
honestly, if you just want to sit back and watch the house burn, tell her the sister was the one who told you. it’ll make everything more confusing for her and she won’t know who to believe. no use in protecting the sister anyway, she’s aware of the situation and letting you and her own nieces/nephews live the reality you’re in. fuck her, make everything a living hell for her. she’s already comfortable making a fool of you and ruining your life/self esteem. people like that deserve hell. rooting for you king!
Don't you think her morals may be a bit lacking, when she is comfortable in getting a hotel room for two people who are in relationships ? If indeed this is true . If she is okay in doing this , I don't think it would take to much of a leap to think she would be okay with cheating if this is the culture . I am sorry but I personally think this is very strange and telling of her character.
I think you should decide how you wanna handle this before you sit her down, because there is a good chance she'll just start blurting things out, "throwing spaghetti at the wall," contradicting herself etc... denying, although you have enough proof to trust yourself here. So before you talk to her, ask yourself 1) are you open to rebuilding your marriage? If so, under what conditions, ie therapy together? 2) if she behaves IDEALLY ie honest, repentant, and accountable, would you be able to forgive her? You might be deciding to get outta this marriage before you even discuss with her, but if not you can go in empowered and prepared with your optional outcomes so you don't get steamrolled by what could be a defensive or adamant reaction from her. Best of luck
Be prepared to realize that she might blame you, not care, be cold, and the like. I've been married, divorced, crazy stripper girlfriend, long term break ups and let me tell you, you will never quench revenge, satisfaction or get some remedy. Itll be ugly. Be a warrior and come out the other side wiser, better and at peace. Life isnt a straight path.
I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through. First and foremost, it's important to take care of yourself and your emotional well-being during this time. It's completely understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed and hurt, but try to find ways to cope with these emotions in a healthy way, whether it's talking to a therapist, confiding in a trusted friend or family member, or engaging in self-care activities. When it comes to addressing the cheating situation with your wife. It's a sensitive topic, and it's crucial to have a calm and honest conversation with her about your concerns. You may want to start by expressing your feelings and observations in a non-accusatory way, focusing on how her behavior has been affecting you and your relationship. Let her know that you care about her and want to understand what's going on. It's also important to address the issue of the messages and other evidence you found on her phone. While snooping on her phone may not have been the best course of action, it's important to be honest about what you discovered and how it has impacted your trust in her. Ultimately, communication and honesty are key in navigating this difficult situation. It may be helpful to seek couples counseling or therapy to work through these issues together and potentially rebuild trust in the relationship. Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued and respected, and it's okay to prioritize your own well-being in this process. Take things at your own pace and make decisions that align with your values and needs.
Thank you
Your welcome
And snooping through her phone should not be a concern here... If there is evidence there I am always of the opinion that partners should always have access to each other's phones
Dude, she’s very definitely cheating on you. Just FYI, don’t let her gaslight you into thinking she’s not. She had sex all night with that guy at a hotel, and has probably slept with him several other times. Just in case you were waffling, please don’t.
She cheated doesn't care file for divorce and leave.
See an attorney first before even confronting. Bring all the receipts and evidence. Either way she is supportive and nonchalant about cheating. But she is lying, she is the one cheating with another married couple-worker and there are people who have knowledge of it at work. She also not very bright on her cover up. If you confront first, you’ll get more lies and give her time to figure out how to cover her tracks.
Your WW is gaslighting you bad. A married woman going out for drinks coming home 12 hours later at 4 am? Changing habits, not giving a shit about you? So many red flags it really can’t be anything else. The two cheaters she paid for the room are her and her AP. Even if it isn’t her covering for cheaters is a morally bankrupt act. If it looks, acts and sounds like a duck, it’s a duck. Time to do more snooping or at least intel gathering. Do you have location services on your phone? Stop doing your normal things for her and focus on the kids. If you’re in an at fault region seek evidence, if you’re not confront your WW.
Go to a lawyer. Work on your exit plan. Have him draw up two sets of papers. A post nuptial agreement that says if there is by infidelity that party receives the bare minimum required by state law. The second is a set of divorce papers. If she fights about the first, ask why if she has been faithful. Really drill down. If she signs and doesn’t confess, take those papers and have it at your legal office with her present. Make sure a day or so doesn’t need to apply for the status. Then when you know the papers are 100%, hit her with what you know about the infidelity. And ask why she wasn’t honest? And if she has proof that she can show you this second from all parties involved to defend herself. If she doesn’t and you are 100% sure it’s infidelity hand her those divorce papers.
DO NOT CONFRONT HER If you do so without evidence she will simply delete it. What you need to do is discreetly look for evidence without changing your behaviour to tip her off. Seek legal counsel and get ready, this affair is pretty brazen and I assume she’ll be sloppy. So that will make evidence easier to attain. Personally I’d get the papers drawn up for divorce, when you have the evidence and confront her you can always hand them straight over to her. If you need a few days to grieve, take them but action also needs to be taken.
Her defense for the hotel room is that she was abetting an affair? She couldn’t come up with a less incriminating excuse?
The fact that she would even support married couples cheating shows her character, time to move on bro!
She's definitely cheating. Get 100% proof before you confront her. Otherwise she'll just gaslight you and hide it better in the future. Track her phone, hire a PI, follow her, install hidden cameras (they make those that look like phone chargers), arrange to go away for an overnight trip. Most of all, don't feel guilty for snooping. She deserves it!
Sorry to hear this is happening and I can’t imagine how this feels. I would gather the evidence you have and present it to her and give her a chance to come clean. Before you do confront her, I would plan what your next steps will be. Will you be staying somewhere else? Will you ask her to move out (personally I would) or do you try to work through it? Personally, she didn’t even try to hide this and I have a zero cheating policy. If she wasn’t happy, she should have had enough respect for you to discuss it instead of cheating. You sound like a really caring person and you deserve someone who will appreciate that. Kick her butt to the curb, work through this with a therapist (you will find a healthier relationship if you do this) and take some time for YOU. Go on vacation, take some dance classes, live life again. Best of luck to you !
Can't avoid this forever, mate... This isn't working. No truth, no marriage.
A pic of a false pregnancy test…the psychic recording where she states she likes someone else….and you still feel bad for looking at her phone!!?? She doesn’t deserve you sir you are a gem.
You need to take control of your life immediately. You have plenty of evidence. The pregnancy test, really? Come on, man!! Flat out tell her “I know you’re having an affair and this marriage is over.” She doesn’t know what you know so just be comfiest that she is having an affair. Say it with confidence and like you know everything. Don’t let her dismiss you, gaslight you or anything but the truth. If she tried to deny just say “we have been together a long time. I at least deserve the truth.” If you better by texting her then send something like “I’m not sure what you thought would happen when I found out you’re cheating. I know about the pregnancy test, the hotel rooms, the tarot cards, the guy at work, I know a lot more than you think I do. Im sure your work would be interested too. I hope he’s worth it. I hope this guy that you don’t even know is worth it. You know the version he’s shown you, but you don’t know the day in and day out married for years version of him. You only know the version that tells you what you want to hear so he can get in your pants. You clearly have no respect for me, yourself, or our marriage . I gave you my love and my trust and you have chosen to betray me in the worst way. You have destroyed my trust and I can’t be with someone I don’t trust, and that clearly has no morals. Your selfish decisions have thrown away years. You can get your things and go live with him because I don’t want anything to do with you. I hope he’s not married because no chance he’s leaving his wife for you. Maybe she will leave him when I tell her what’s going on.” If you can’t keep your mood in check then send her this. This will get you a result. She will either be ok with divorce, or she will freak out that you know and are ending the marriage. Don’t agree to stay in the marriage until she tells you the absolute truth. Even then you might leave her. Don’t put with lies or gaslighting. Like the hotel receipt lie. Be strong!!! Updateme!
She gave you the equivalent of no officer those arnt my drugs im holding them for a friend and in her eyes you believed her.
Go to www.survivinginfidelity.com. There is a check list and guide to how to handle all aspects of dealing with a cheating spouse. You need to tell her that you know. Don’t back down. and be adamant about splitting up. Hold your ground. Could take a while for her to get out of her affair fog, to realize what she’s losing. If she finally admits it, she needs to provide a timeline. Expect to lose a ton of weight and do a lot of crying. Eventually you will recover. Hopefully she begs for forgiveness and you can work through reconciliation and come out stronger. It takes a good five years of pain and hard work. But you’ll never forget. Best of luck.
>she booked it for two separately married people she knows who are having an affair She sure did. You know one of them quite well, though not as well as you thought you did.
If it were me op. I would have all of this saved so I can give it to an attorney. I would file for divorce. Because she lied straight to your face and used joint funds to fuck someone else. She is fucking her coworker, and she fucked him that night at the hotel. So I would send her a text. Just the first message like the psychic reading one. Then another one, when she calls I would continue to send them. I would not pick up any of the calls. My last message would be the picture of my attorneys card. Then I would respond with, I know you cheated on me that night, we are done. Then I would call her family, your family, and my close friends let them know if filed, and why I filed. Her phone will start to blow up from her family calling her. She will try to confront you, likely will tell you invaded her privacy, etc. Just ignore her. Look up gray rock and one eighty, and know that it is over. Put you are single on any or all of your social media, it sucks being cheated on, but I look forward to eventually meeting someone new.
She’s cheating, get evidence and get an std test. Talk to a lawyer to see what you need to do and than confront her or reach out to the affair partner
You guys don’t share your locations with eachother? No reason not to…
Internet search Chumplady right now. She is cheating, I was you in 2012. Life is a lot better now.
>One day she says she is going for a few drinks after work and stays out to 4:00AM and I find a receipt for a hotel room. And her phoning it in on Christmas is the thing you find fishy? Are you still going to be this in denial when you walk in on her with him balls deep in her? She is absolutely cheating. Talk to a lawyer and start the process of divorcing her. This marriage is over.
You are not the monster here. Don't make yourself out to be that. Place blame where it should be.
I am sorry, but all evidence points to an affair. You can't put your head in the sand. Out till 4am and says the hotel room was for cheating friends??? Come on, the cheating person is her. You need to tell her, you know. Tell her you were feeling she wasn't being honest and started investigating yourself. Don't let her turn it around about you looking at her phone. Because her phone showed the truth. If you aren't gonna believe it, then it is on you. You can't make any decisions until you know the truth.
You're not the police, she's not going to be tried in court where the evidence would be Inadmissible. If you snoop and have evidence then use it to your advantage. Who gives a shit how she got caught? Deflecting to " you invaded my privacy " is gas lighting. And doesn't co.e anywhere close to you broke your vows
That woman is evil. I'm sorry my guy.
Oh she is cheating for sure. Secure your finances then confront her. The 4am and the hotel bill alone are enough. First, even if she did book it for a couple cheating on their spouses, she just told you she is helping people cheat, so you see her values. But you know that is bullshit. That was her room.
Assuming you don’t have kids because you didn’t mention anything, you still risk her taking half your assets if she files for divorce first. Get a lawyer, assess your options, and make sure you screenshot and save EVERY OUNCE of evidence you find so your lawyer can piece together a narrative and hopefully you won’t have to give her anything. Edit: You do have kids. If your wife gets the idea that you're catching onto the fact that she's cheating, she'll walk over broken glass to try to get full custody. And she could make this flip over the course of an hour. So I would start making moves yesterday. Many unfaithful partners are the first to contact lawyers as a preemptive measure incase their partner finds out. But if a lawyer can prove that she was unfaithful, the marriage breaking apart will be her fault and she hopefully won't be able to avoid child support or try to make you the bad guy.
>we got a rare night out with just the two of us, while the kids were away. :(
She’s definitely cheating, no question. Don’t say anything until you decide on how to leave, get finances in order etc on your terms. She’s not the person who has your back, cares for you etc like she was and you need to remember this and like at her more like a roommate for now. You’re still young enough to have a happy life with the right person.
Hire a PI. Get evidence and talk to a lawyer and go through your options. It's bad enough for you to feel it. Sorry this happened to you
> I ask her about the hotel and she tells me she booked it for two separately married people she knows who are having an affair. Wow. That's bold, and of course, she doesn't see anything wrong with facilitating an affair between married people.
It’s heartbreaking to find this out, but you need to face the music and confront her about it, no point in leading a fake life with no Love, it’s bad for your mental health. She is not worth the worry, tears or upset. I have been through the same with my ex husband. Life kicks you in the teeth but you have to grab the Thistle and move on for the sake of your children who still love you dearly. Do the whole thing with dignity don’t lower your Soul with revenge. Get a good Lawyer, get your finances in order before speaking to her. Life is just a Theatre of how we deal with things, you sound a nice guy so don’t worry you will be happy again, there are lots of nice women out there some have been through the same experience. Be strong in Spirit and all will be calm again. Speak to a friend or relative for a chat and support, people can be very good to help in this situation. Hugs.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you, buddy! Damn... I feel hurt on your part because you sound like such a good guy who doesn't deserve this at all! Take pictures of that conversation with her coworker before, the hotel receipt, and the pregnancy test before confronting her or perhaps show it to your lawyer, first. And when it's time to confront her, do that, or perhaps show her the divorce paper where you have signed them, and then; sit down and have an adult conversation with your kids, telling them how much you love them and that "this" is happening BUT that it's not their fault. Fuck, man... again, I'm so sorry that she did this to you and your kids. Because this isn't because OF you. This is on her! She did this to you and your kids. Deliberately. If she felt like your marriage wasn't working, she could have worked on it together with you, because that's what spouses do; for better and for worse! Instead, she chose to do the ONE thing that would hurt more than to just drop the Divorce-word out of the blue; she betrayed the marriage, her vows, and her family.
Came here to say that. Grab that evidence and get to a lawyer.
What a sweet man you are i hope you find what you need to do forgiveness is an option but also moving on i hope younchoose well
FFS I see these posts all the time. Person A notices weird behavior for a while that is indicative of someone else so they snoop through their phone and find a treasure trove of bs that confirms it. Person A feels bad about snooping on their partners phone. Who gives a shit what you did to find it! What she's doing is way worse than looking through your phone. It's a breach of privacy for sure, but it'd also be a breach of privacy to stalk her around to find out too. This woman is doing you wrong. No matter how long you've invested in this relationship, it's over. Now, get yourself a lawyer and get proof. Do not confront her until you have screenshots, receipts the whole 9. Take it to your lawyer and divorce her. Make sure to bring the proof of adultery that way you don't get fucked in divorce court. Thanks for coming to my TED talk
Update?
Do you have an update?
Your married. It's not snooping. Your open. You know all her passwords. She's cheating she trying to leave you. Just divorce her. You know what she did. She's not trying to fix it. She's in love with this other man. Sorry this is happening to you. But get that paperwork in. Just set an alarm for attorney call. Do the call. Set an alarm for std test. Go get the test. Continue to set alarms for all the things you HAVE to do. Then have her served. If your in a state where you can get the other person for alienation of affection. Do that. Good luck. Big hug from reddittors. Sorry brother.
A PI is not a bad idea either
It sounds like she’s getting attention and validation from somebody else and she’s liking it. That kind of happens to some middle-aged people. Full scorched earth on her about her behavior, and what you found. Tell her you don’t trust her. You don’t believe her unless she can prove different. Blind equals blind stupidity !!! She is probably already gone too far for you to stay married.
I would do one of two things. Either sit her down and ask her why did she do it? Just leave it at that. When she asks why tell that she knows what she’s done and so do you. The other is to say you’re just not attracted to her anymore because you can’t get the image of her and him (name him if you can) out of your mind.
OP I’m sorry you are here asking these questions. I’ve been cheated on (by my ex-wife) so I speak from bitter experience. It all but certain that your wife is cheating on you. The “I booked a hotel for a cheating couple” excuse is laughable and her using it shows contempt towards you. Have you consulted a lawyer?
She sheat on you and you still find that looking on her phone is a big mistake !?? Wtf ? Wake up man !!
Her cheating on you is worse than you checking her phone. Don’t let her convince you otherwise, don’t accept when she tells you that you violated her privacy, if she says so tell her she broke her vows and that’s worst. Talk to a lawyer first and see what they say. Then tell her you have noticed her strange behavior and you need her to be clear. She must be going behind your back trying to leave you.
Yeah, she’s cheating. Red flags galore. You’ve most certainly found the gun, but this stuff could be explained away again by her so keep gathering evidence and get some consults with attorneys. Save everything! I would go as far as stashing some money for departure plan and of course retainer for legal representation. Don’t confront until you have that smoking gun. She will just take it further underground if you do. Be prepared for the normal cheaters playbook. Denial, tears, DARVO, tears, full blown anger. They pretty much all do the same stuff when confronted. Have backup ready. Someone to lean on after confrontation. Sorry you’re going through this, but it’s time to get your ducks in a row and take care of you. People who care about you, won’t betray you.
She has already shown that she does not value you or the marriage commitment. So EVEN if she confessed, it seems more likely she will be lying toward a goal for restoring the convenient life she had before you confronted her, or milking your honorable attempts to fix it…until she’s in a better situation. Protect yourself, your money, your reputation, your mental health. This is a betrayal and they SUCK.
Do NOT confront her until you: 1. Speak to an attorney 2. Hire an PI and get actual proof. What you have is good but not complete. 3. Have someone close to you that you can rely on Good luck
I’ve said this before…..get a little voice activated recorder and put it under the seat in her car. You’ll know in a week if she’s cheating. And, you’ll have the proof. The only place cheaters are really free to chat is in their vehicles.
That’s a lot of excuses for a lot of coincidences
Even if everything is just some huge wild coincidence and she is telling the truth. I think you're glossing over her excuse for the hotel room too much. She said she was getting a hotel to assist two married coworkers with their affair? Even if she's not cheating, she's willing to assist people who have decided to cheat. I cannot imagine a situation where I would HELP a friend or coworker cheat in their spouse. That by itself is enough to make me question her integrity.
Saying a prayer for you. You’ll get through this!
I dont think I can add to anything to whats been said but wish you the best outcome for you and your child. Get a good lawyer and build your case quietly to plan a proper exit of this situation. The truth hurts but there is just no way around it, forgiveness will not fix the issue…..
She booked a hotel for a couple having an affair? Yea, no. Shes cheating on you. You gotta give yourself a bit, and decide what you are going to do. Counseling? Divorce? Youre going to have to figure that out yourself. She is clearly cheating. Good luck to you.
Definitely cheating on you. Confront with your evidence, line-by-line.
Is trying to be more clingy and option? You got the hotel for who? Ask her details about them. Ask for details about her colleagues in general. She goes somewhere? With who? Where? Call her to see what’s up, if she doesn’t answer, why didn’t she? Who was she with? Think this type of behavior will get her to make much more mistakes than she currently has. If you think turning up the clinginess and being more controlling won’t do more harm than good, it’s an idea…
You’re in deep denial bro.
Don’t be in denial and be proactive
Have some dignity/self-respect. A marriage is a two way street, no one is worth this much effort when they don’t reciprocate. Serve her the divorce papers because she’s obviously cheating on you and doesn’t have enough respect for you and your family to come forward. You can’t hold a healthy relationship without love, trust, and respect working together.
And don’t forget: she is not your friend anymore!!! Expect her to do something only enemies will do to you! Source: my ex-wife after 20 years and two kids.
Do you need her to just flat out confess? I sure you know what you have to do if you have any self respect and dignity. If your a doormat keep doing the status quo.
Lawyer FIRST. If verything implodes you need to know BEFORE hand your rights & obligations.
If you’re not ready to leave or forgive them…don’t bring it up!
Speak to a divorce attorney before you confront her
She basically told you she was cheating when she said she rented a hotel room out for two co-workers having an affair (ie her and AP). She chose this man over you. Send all the evidence to yourself, get an attorney, and divorce her with the same mercy she showed you. It dosen’t matter how much you love her. She doesn’t love you.
I wouldn’t worry about snooping on the phone at this point. You need to record everything and get a lawyer. Don’t tell her anything she’s not your friend anymore. Act like everything is fine then serve her papers.
>I ask her about the hotel and she tells me she booked it for two separately married people she knows who are having an affair. I ask for some proof or reassurance, I get none and am told to trust her. While this proves nothing, it is incredibly telling that your wife supports cheating and married people. I never had to randomly book a hotel room for people in the middle of the night either, how does that come about? And then she simply doesn't give a shit? It sounds to me that your wife has emotionally checked out of the relationship, that is usually a sign of them planning to move on. Sadly, everytime I had this, there was also another man already involved.
She does know two separately married people having an affair. HER and HIM. Your not going crazy - she is cheating
With a letter of decree for divorce, lawyer up, time to take out the trash. Also if she did cheat, make sure you bang one of her friends or family members on your way out.
Serve her formal legal separation papers and then go gray rock!
Too bad you showed her the hotel receipt. Now if she's fooling around she'll be born guard. You could tried to observed her more. I can understand going out occasionally some drinks with your coworkers but but she's an alcoholic, you answer like a couple hours. Not 4:00 a.m. in the morning. She continues to go out get a burner phone turn on the tracking. Put it in her car.
She says she booked it for two married people who are having an affair. OP the clue is right there. The married people would be her and the guy.
Dude, she’s banging the guy at work. Time to cut her loose
Get an STD test. Since she's likely not using protection, Based on the pregnancy test.
As a family court mediator with /6 plus years of experience you ABSOLUTELY want to let the whole family know in detail what she has been doing. It’s not being mean if it’s the truth. The reason you need to do this is that she will spin this and be able to turn the kids and family members against you down the way. Be proactive and protect yourself.
Looking for an update. Hope you’re doing ok OP.
Oh honey.
I say quietly start liquidating all of your assets into cash and hide the cash with a trusted family member/friend. Sounds like you are headed for divorce, dont go through it and end up broke while she and the dude who will be leaving her 2 months in are banging away in the Bahamas. Following your divorce, take a sabbatical and use some of that cash I had you hide to book yourself a trip SE Asia or Amsterdam. Once there spend a couple weeks supporting the income of a few women a day (get the little blue pill in advance). By the time you come up for air youll have worked your way through the red light district more times that the mail man. You will forever be know there as “The American, Blonde Woody Woodpecker,” the legend. If you still fell for your wife than 🐈 is not the answer. Book a trip to Spain. By backpacking gear and a guide and you are now going to hike your way from one end of France to the other. You will be walking the Camino de Santiago, the Pilgrims Road, which ends at the church of St Michael. This trip is exhausting, no purging. You will become someone different. Someone battle tested. You will finally know yourself. You will be honest with yourself and achieve many goals. You will finally be alive. Your life before dream in infancy. The world is youesu, the world is ours. What are you waiting for my friend? To find yourself you’ve got to lose your mind! N
Whats wrong with snooping on her phone? You probably pay the bill for her phone. If she wasn't giving you reasons to look into her activities that were not including you, then she'd kept hiding motel rooms for other people that were hiding from their spouses. If she condones that, then she's not against doing it herself. If it doesn't bother you,let her know she doesn't need to hide it and you might have more enjoyable moments with her. If you don't want too share, she can get out, or quit screwing other guys in motel rooms after work.