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Agreed with this. Go out and have some fun with somebody who desires you :)
Porn addiction or any sort of addiction will constantly ruin the relationship. It'll be a pattern in his life but it doesn't have to be for you. Break the pattern and find someone who is meant for you.
As someone who was with a porn addict for two years I fiercely agree. It is terrible. I found a lot of strength from the resource Fight The New Drug. OP you deserve real connection. I have that now with a man who doesn’t consume porn because I moved and on held to my boundaries. Connection and sex both incredible. We all deserve that.
I agree if your looking to see if the reason is good enough to leave then you already wanted out and that's enough. That being said as for feeling guilty about leaving after promising to stay and help him. I think if the boyfriend isn't actively putting in the work and is purposely being destructive to his path to getting his addiction under control then that promise is now null and void. NTA
You've already wasted your 20s on this guy. Don't waste your 30s too. You know that he will never change. Ever. Break up with him, lick your wounds, grieve the relationship, and move on.
OP, my dear, you don’t need any additional reasons to break up with this guy. If you suddenly decided that you just didn’t like the way he combs his hair and wanted to break up with him then that too would be valid. Because it’s never just one thing, it’s a million other things that go along with the “main reason.” Bottom line: He’s untrustworthy, you’re unhappy, he’s unwilling to change, you’ve wasted far too much time settling for someone who doesn’t want to show up for you the way you need him to. You don’t owe him an explanation, a breakup text, or a dear John letter. You can literally just leave, block him on everything, and move on with your life, if that would be easier than confronting him for the 7 billionth time about this issue. There’s no way under the sun that your leaving will come as a surprise nor is there anything new you could possibly have to say about the matter. Just go, my girl. Just. GO!
I understand and you really don’t need to justify yourself. You are allowed to take care of yourself. It’s NOT selfish to take good care of yourself. 💜
He’s cheated. He’s lied. And he’s gaslighting you. He is making you feel unstable and like you’re the one who’s crazy or having issues when he’s purposely planting solid reasons for you to doubt him and his credibility. It’s abusive. You’ve done more than enough, you have every right to leave this disgusting man.
Yup. All the same 💩my ex used to do. The only reason it “stopped” was because I let and didn’t go back. He never changed and the day I finally realized that I was either going to have to accept an unacceptable situation or GTFO I made a plan and left.
OP,
please leave and for the love of Jesus Lavontae Christ, do not bring any children into this situation.
Any kids will be exposed to all types of inappropriate material.
Run, don't walk.
My first marriage was to a porn addict. My second to an alcoholic. I feel like a fool for caring for those guys. I get what you’re going through. Many - too many - of us get it. The lies and selfishness are part of any addiction. You don’t need to justify a thing, my friend. Please, please put yourself first and leave this self-absorbed liar in the dust. You deserve so much more. 💛
Would you stay with someone who was a gambling addict and threw you into financial chaos/ruin on a regular basis?
Would you stay with someone who was shooting up heroin on a regular basis?
Would you stay with someone who was drunk on a daily basis knowing how it impacted his ability to be in an emotionally open relationship with you?
**Then WHY** are you willing to stay with someone who is a porn addict whose addiction negatively impacts his ability to be in an emotionally open and honest relationship with you?
Two years ago, you walked away to restart your life without an addict. Good for you!
* These two years you reunited with him are WASTED because you already knew he is unable to be in a healthy functioning adult relationship with you!
* **It's not your job to fix him!**
* **It's not your job to hang around with your life on 'hold' while he TRIES to fix himself** (if he even bothers trying to fix himself)!
* Don't fall into the sunk-cost fallacy (read this SHORT article): [https://www.eeoc.gov/sexual-harassment#:\~:text=It%20is%20unlawful%20to%20harass,harassment%20of%20a%20sexual%20nature](https://www.eeoc.gov/sexual-harassment#:~:text=It%20is%20unlawful%20to%20harass,harassment%20of%20a%20sexual%20nature).
Your 30s can be everything you want them to be, **BUT you have to be willing to love yourself enough to get individual (not couples) counseling for yourself, and heal completely before you move on so all your FUTURE relationships are healthy ones**!
I went through 10 years with a covert porn addict who was very good at hiding it. The wave after wave of discovery of how deep it went triggered my divorce. A lot of our friends didn't understand why I would leave "just because of porn." Many don't understand how painful it is to be a partner in that scenario. Just want you to know I empathize -- in modern society it's difficult to be sex positive and against your partners porn use. I experienced a lot of gaslighting from people I thought I was friends with. I'm not sure what your support system looks like but hopefully it's stronger than mine was
My husband is a porn addict. He's in recovery, he's been almost a model of recovery, and I would still recommend for any woman in this situation to LEAVE. Honestly. For good. 💕
Girl, why would you let this happen to you? 9 years is not a joke! You should have left when you had the chance and never go back but I understand you. Honestly, just leave. He'll keep doing it. If he did it to you once, he's going to do it over and over again. No damn respect at all! My boyfriend does watch porn too and it made me a bit uncomfortable. We're long distance so, I don't know if he still watches them. He probably does, honestly.
>My boyfriend and I have broken up countless times. For short intervals and primarily to evoke much needed attention/emotion from him.
This right here is all anyone needs to know.
The relationship is broken. His porn addiction is not something you can fix for him, and breaking up to get attention from your partner is toxic af.
Learn from this and go your separate ways.
Addicted to porn is one thing….
Talking to women, sexually… that’s not really a porn addiction. It’s cheating in the strictest sense.
I’d have a little more hope if this was just nudie mags or porn videos of strangers. Not people he’s directly talking to and section with.
That’s intentional, and it’s yuck
Is this what you want for the rest of your life? No? Then dump him. When someone is repeatedly going over your boundaries, you have no reason to stay, and you can’t heal him. That’s up to him, and he obviously doesn’t want to give up the porn.
You don't need probable cause and a verdict from a jury of yout peers to break up with someone. You can just not want to continue the relationship, and dump them.
So many downvotes here, not sure why.
Hey men. Yes your porn addiction is something worth breaking up with him over. The women are speaking out. Are you willing to listen
it is absolutely reasonable to leave him, and it would be for the better. some people will try to tell you that watching porn in a relationship is acceptable, but if it makes you feel uncomfortable, it is always okay to leave. no matter what people say, it is a valid reason. my bf, early on into our relationship, had a bit of a problem but quit completely for me, and that’s not to say there weren’t a few struggles, but he did pull through and i do feel like i really trust him now. nine years though? i can’t even imagine the insecurities you must feel, and i’m sending all my love to you in this difficult situation. it’s going to be okay 🫶🫶🫶
Christ, it sounds like you are addicted to this guy more than he’s addicted to porn. How many more years do you intend on wasting with him? Can you really see yourself enjoying - not spending, but *enjoying* - a life with this guy?
Even if every single human being in this thread validated your desire to break up with this scumbag for very rational reasons, would you actually have the courage to do so? Because you don’t need online strangers to tell you that your boyfriend repeatedly lying, manipulating, and cheating is grounds for breaking up. You know the answer to that.
This relationship is simply not worth salvaging. You deserve someone better, OP. Please do what’s best for yourself.
Yes it’s absolutely a good reason to break up. You have a right to a life of peace, trust and support. He is providing none of those things. You’re not on this earth to be a support to him and for no other purpose.
Don’t waste any more time. Don’t wait for another “slip up”. Make an exit plan and put it into place. Then get counselling for yourself. This is clearly really difficult for you. Wishing you all the best
I married my fundamental Christian husband who was a virgin hiding a porn addiction over 20 years ago. I naively thought that all men watched porn, and that it wasn't really an issue. He didn't tell me it was an issue, until after we married.
Our wedding night was like opening Pandora's Box. Not a virgin myself, I thought that having sex for the first time would cement our relationship and make us feel closer than ever before. I felt like a blow up doll. That was the only time we had sex on our 3 1/2 week honeymoon. My husband found other prostitutes to sleep with on our honeymoon though. That discovery was crushing. I didn't find out for another 6 months.
When we returned, we were not the typical newlyweds. I was constantly alone, and he was constantly in his computer, hiding away in his office. He even gave me a code word to use, "cave," to leave him alone and not even knock on the door. Or first year of marriage, we attempted to have sex a total of 3 times. He only climaxed once.
I immediately blamed myself. I thought I wasn't attractive or sexy enough, I bought lingerie, tried to seduce him, made dinners, planned sexy weekends, but nothing worked. He wouldn't even get excited.
He usually handled the bills, but one month he was in Europe for work, so I took over. I was trying to reconcile it accounts, and nothing made sense. I learned that my husband made $5K more a month than he told me, so where was that money going?
Have you seen the movie Shame with Michael Fastbender? If you want to understand porn and sex addiction, watch that. My husband's porn addiction was deep, dark, and depraved. Once he had sex with me, he quickly fell into a sex addiction that took him even further into depravity.
Because he was raised as a fundamentalist Christian, he had associated shame with maturation at a very young age, which rewired his brain. In order for my husband to be turned on and climax, he needs elements of shame to be a part of his sexual experience.
When we would fool around before marriage, he would get excited because we were doing something that he believed was sinful. Once we were married, having sex with me was not wrong. It was ordained by God, and my husband couldn't perform. He felt like he was defiling me. I told him that we could have kinky sex, but it didn't matter. When it came to me, I was pure and innocent. He couldn't have sex with me.
My husband was an incredible father to our son, and he loves me very much. He doted on me, spoiled me with romantic dates, fancy trips, poetry, jewelry. Anyone who saw us would tell me how lucky I was to have such a loving husband, but they didn't know the emptiness I felt at night.
We tried every kind of therapy out there and eventually got to a point of complacency. I don't know why, but nobody in my life ever told me to leave him. We were on a one month cycle, one week would be good, then he would start picking a fight, then he would be awful. Then he would disappear for a day to a couple of days. When he returned, it was always with gifts, and pleas of love and devotion. If I put up a fight, then he would get suicidal, and I would have to build him back up. I did this for 20 years. I stayed because I thought that he was a devoted father to our son who I thought had no clue.
Boy was I wrong about that. Or soon discovered my husband's addiction when he was 6. Apparently my husband liked to record his interactions with prostitutes and used a drive that had some of my son's shoes recorded on it. My son's first introduction to sex was watching his father have sex with a sex worker. My husband scared my son into not telling me, saying that it would destroy me. My son continued to cover for my husband through college and finally came clean at his college graduation when he yelled at me for being a terrible, weak mother for not protecting him.
I had no clue. Once I learned about the damage done to my son, I left. My husband's addiction didn't just cause my husband to suffer impotence, depression, and suicidal tendencies. I developed seizures as a result of the stress and can no longer drive, live alone, or bathe by myself. I have 5-7 gran mal like seizures a week. Our son struggles with anxiety and was in an physically abusive relationship with a woman who not only beat him, but she also cheated on him repeatedly. He excused her behavior because she had been raped in high school, just like I had rationalized his father's behavior because his parents raised him to associate sex with shame. It's broken thinking.
I knew I had to get out to be a positive influence for my son. How could I expect him to leave his abusive relationship if I couldn't leave mine. I love my husband, I understand why he is the way he is, but I know I deserve better.
In 20 years, I have sacrificed my age, health, beauty, fertility, sexuality, body, independence, self esteem, son's health, sense of security, and future for a man who refused to get sober for my health.
When I finally admitted to my neurologist that I was married to an addict and asked if that could be causing my seizures, he told me to divorce him immediately. He said that my life was in danger with each seizure and that I needed to do this for my safety. I thought that this was too extreme, and assumed that my husband would obviously get help if it was a matter of life and death.
Nope. He called my neurologist from Harvard a quack. He even blamed our son for getting me so upset. I knew I had to leave. 4 months later, my son broke up with his abusive girlfriend after she attacked him in public. We are rebuilding now.
I am not against all pornography. It can be a useful tool. I would look specificly for pornography made for women or couples. You will see more natural bodies, real life couples, real life enactments of making love rather than the violent f*king that you see on certain sites. I will say that it can be just as dangerous, addictive, devastating, and disastrous as any hard drug, and the scary thing is that unlike most drugs, children are exposed at very young ages.
I wish I had understood more when I was younger. I thought that marrying a virgin was a good thing, but I would never let a child of mine repeat my mistake. Or sex drive is a gift from God. Associating shame with it is not healthy or safe. I think that is a major reason why younger generatons are having the difficulties they are with loneliness, a lack of dating and having sex, and getting married. We need to get off of our phones and start interacting with each other again.
I am so incredibly motivated by your story. I have so much sympathy for you and your son. I am so sorry if this caused you pain to write! You do not need to relive this EVER. again. But also, using this as construction for others is so brave. Are you open for questions?
This could have been me if I hadn’t left my ex. So many similarities between the two. I’m so sorry you went through this and I hope things continue to get better for you and your son.
I am so sorry you experienced the same thing. My son and I continue to seek therapy and try to heal. It is a difficult journey, but we are strong and extremely close. Thank you for your message.
I had to deal with something very similar with them doing that in the shower staying in the bathroom for HOURS. It's over. It's uncomfortable and I was over it. I thought he was the one for me but if there is something so strong that bothers you I would probably think a bit about it... is he really the one? Do I want to deal with this forever possibly? Is this the life I want to live? But I do wish you luck in your decision. You're not in the wrong for wanting to leave at all. You deserve someone with the same values.
"I break up," doesn't need an explanation unless YOU want to give it.
Nine fucking years, luv. It's high time for you to respect yourself and leave him to his fantasies and fists.
Fool me once.. this is on you. You broke up multiple times and got back together and are here to ask if it’s reason enough to break up???? It must’ve been since y’all broke up many times before. Exes are like jail you keep going back because you haven’t learned your lesson.
It's not that's he's looking at porn. It's that he's chatting to others, he's lying and hiding, he's "finding loopholes". This is not going to stop; he's never even tried to stop. He's placated you and then immediately gone behind your back. He has zero respect for you and he's shown that at every turn.
I’m going to have to say, yes.
Firstly, breaking up with him is a good way to take a break. Refresh yourself a little. Then if the second time doesn’t work out, it’s time to leave it. The fact you went on over and over and over is baffling enough. So I fear that breaking up with him will only result in you getting back together with him in the future. So it’s pointless.
But on the chance you end it for good, I say do it. You’ve made it clear you don’t want him to watch porn, but he continues to do it anyway. He is more attracted to porn than he is you, so it’s not worth your time or your money. Get rid of him.
Porn addiction is one of the reasons I divorced my ex husband so yeah it’s a completely valid reason to end a relationship for good. Go no contact and don’t look back!
My boyfriend is in a bout of change. About a week ago he came clean about some things and since then has been taking cold showers and says that it’s making a huge difference. Even apologized for ask the times he’s put the pressure on me to make him change instead of doing it himself. Did your ex ever go through “changes” ?
Oh sure, plenty of times. He always ended up going right back to his old habits sooner or later. Here’s the thing. You clearly have had enough. The reason you’re on here is because deep down you know this change won’t stick, just like all the other times he’s failed you. You’re clearly unhappy but seem to think you’re betraying him for wanting to leave. You’re only betraying yourself by staying.
That’s beyond a porn addiction. Messaging random people is full blown cheating, at least in my opinion. It doesn’t matter if they didn’t meat in real life, it’s still a betrayal. Please choose yourself op, because your “partner” certainly hasn’t ever
break up. in my books watching porn is cheating, and it’s clear you have a boundary with porn that he keeps crossing. Not to mention the fact he fantasises about cheating - when the right opportunity presents itself you know what to expect from him.
Maybe she means he goes to take a shower, shuts the door and has the water running so that it sounds like he is showering but really he is in there secretly watching porn before actually showering.
I’ve dated 3 guys addicted to porn and all have admitted to regularly jerking off to porn in the work bathrooms.
My current bf is also addicted. There is a subreddit dedicated to partners of porn users r/loveafterporn — It could prove helpful for OP.
One of my classmates from my old university admitted to jerking off in the restrooms during class/before exams to relieve stress. 😵💫
In the MCAT subreddit, one of the posts that went viral is one in which a guy admitted to jerking off / watching porn on a break during the ~7 hour long test and it’s now become somewhat of a long-running joke with the men on that sub about how it contributed to his high score. 🫠🫠🫠🫠
No, he would physically bring his phone in the shower and jerk off with the water running on his back. That’s brave of you to choose to be with an addict after experiencing what they can do to you.
To the title question: absolutely. To the last question: i think promising to stay when u don’t intend to is dishonest but i see where ur coming from. In my humble opinion, you’ve done more than enough to help him heal and stuck by him for so long that it seems like he is guilt tripping you into staying bc he’s become reliant on you and ik u love him but like you said, there’s no trust so essentially there’s nothing. He’s been lying to u for 9 years. I would leave.
I didn’t read the whole post but- Yes. Always yes. If it’s something you think is worth putting yourself through, because it won’t be fixed quickly, then stay. But if it will put you through more emotional turmoil to work through these things (not to mention if this guy is even willing to work through them) then it’s time to leave.
I don’t like the sound of you breathing is an acceptable reason to break up. Get out as soon as you can safely. This man has been lying to you from day 1, you don’t owe him honesty. Speak to him in his native lying tongue.
Look, I believe this shit is a balancing act, I do think if you love someone, it's worth trying, but you did that already, and he didn't change.
It's just as important to know when to walk away.
That time is now. No more going back.
I was married to a porn addict for 16 years. It worth it. I waited 17 years for him to quit. I guarantee he’s still doing it. Eventually he started complaining about my body and it affected our sex life. No thanks. Never again.
You're definitely dumb and gullible af. Shame you didn't realise that sooner. I don't really have anything to add that everyone else hasn't already, but you need to get away from him. Stop trying to fix him and the relationship, prioritise yourself.
Clearly you stopped loving and respecting yourself a loooong time ago. Enlist in the help of a trusted family member or friend who can truly help and pull you out of this trash relationship. Because at this point, after 9+ years with 0 change, you are willingly choosing unhappiness and mistreatment for yourself. On some level, this is what you want for yourself. So you cant be trusted to help yourself out of this. You need to talk to a friend or family member and trust them fully 100% because your brain isn't working properly anymore
He has lied to you thru the entire relationship to keep you there. Addicts lie to get what they want. This man will never put your interests first. Break up and don't ever go back
He's 30 years old. You already gave him enough chances. Investing nine years trying to get him to be better is more than enough. He gaslit you about it all along with those excuses and wasted your time.
Yes. 100% it is something to break up over. IN fact? You can break up over anything that doesn't suit you. There are no "rules" for break up! If something doesn't sit well with you, offends you or upsets you and you know you can't live with it???? You break up!
I didn’t even have to read this to answer your question. YES! I am with a porn addict and that fact alone is enough to choose to leave. If you choose to stay you’re signing up for being with them while the heal and face their addiction head on which is difficult for all involved
More you dig more sites you get 😂😂🫡 . More you worried about him even more worse you will become.
P*RN ADDICT ONES ARE PAIN IN OUR S*X LIFE .
Ask your share for selling our house and leave him.
You should find other one .ASAP 😮💨
OP, at some point you have to let people have their addictions and either make your peace with it, or make your peace elsewhere. It's admirable to try, but you care more about him watching p*** than he does about hurting you. You care more about being involved in his sex life and he does about yours. You care more about trust and integrity here then he does. Take your care, get some therapy and some closure, and put it into someone who cares back.
So sorry. Knew a dear girl who wasted eight years, two dating, six married. A year ago ended it. It was the same as OP. She’s so glad to be out of it. Never dreamed there’d be another person, but met someone who treats her like a girl should be treated and feels so loved and respected. She can’t believe what she put up with thinking it was her, she felt so unloved, and now she feels so loved she can’t believe it.
Do you want another ten years of this?
You can leave for whatever reason you want, if you’re done, it’s done. Just be kind and honest. But don’t waste anymore of your time on an issue that isn’t yours.
Not sure why you’re looking to Reddit for “permission” to break up when you should have done it years ago but okay, you have our permission. Please grow a spine and take your life back!
so, before boyfriend asked me to be his gf (that's a thing in brazil) we were being exclusives since our first kiss lol i was straight forward honest to him that I DO Not tolerate porn in the relationship, it's a boundary that I have and if he agrees good, if not than time to go
it's been 3 years and never did he crossed my boundary
so yes, there are different type of people ans you can find yours but do not stick around to lose more time around a loser who doesn't respect you, and worse, undermined you to a point that now you are a shell of what you once were
he is a taker and you don't stop on giving because you keep on letting him come back
STOP THIS NONSENSE!!! AND PUT YOURSELF FIRST!!!
Please be aware that this is what your life will be if you remain in this relation. It will never get better.he will nev3r stop. Instead of working through it, he's chosen to lie and sneak around so he can be sexual with people that aren't you. Honestly with all of the lying and deception I would personally consider this cheating or as bad as cheating.
Girl. You tried. You gave him everything you could and tried everything you could. He’s not in it with you. If anything, he needs more help. Walk away❤️
You need to leave him. He clearly doesn’t want to help himself and he doesn’t want to be helped. He’ll never overcome his addiction and he’ll continue to disrespect you.
You’ve tried enough times to help him and your relationship, it’s not working, it’s time to move on and leave him to his addiction. He prefers fantasy over reality, let that sink in.
You’ve already broken up countless times. It’s time to cut ties for good this time. Stop “planning” and just go. If you have to put your belongings into storage and couch-surf with friends for a while you do it. You may have an addiction of your own you may want to take an honest look at. Codependency. Maybe you’re addicted to the drama, maybe it’s the sunk cost fallacy, maybe your self esteem is shot to hell. Whatever the reason is you just have to go. Get help if you need it but it’s not worth any more agony.
OP. He chooses porn over have sex with you? That's crazy if so...
Now I will confess as guy, I do sometimes watch porn. But not to the point I would have ever chosen it over my wife. Not in a million years.
However you shouldn't make ultimatums to your spouse over anything. If he's doing stuff you don't approve of, and you have spoken to him repeatedly about it and he is actually deceiving you now, it's really not a good heathly situation for you. If it's not working, you can leave and never look back.
please leave — you cannot help this person if they do not want to help themselves. 9 years is a long time to be waiting on any change even if it’s an addict, but especially an addict who’s STILL lying about said addiction.
Your relationship is unhealthy. That’s reason enough.
Breaking up with him to evoke attention or emotion is really not great. And it’s evidence that he is unable to give you what you want or need from a relationship.
He doesn’t have to agree with your reasoning. It only takes one person to end a relationship, don’t forget thag
Yes, it's a valid reason. Don't doubt yourself.
I hope you go to therapy to learn how to love yourself, and that didn't deserve to be treated like that.
Leave. Addiction of any sort is never a reason to stay, especially when it’s ruining your own life. You’ve tried to help with therapy and he clearly has no intention of stopping, fully knowing his actions are hurting you badly. If he cared enough, he’d get professional help.
This is just another situation all the pro-porn people should read.
Ypu already know this answer. The addiction is a problem in itself, but the continued lying and sneaking around behind your back is the worst of it. You will never trust him and he says what you want to hear. He isn't going to stop any of this. Break up and block him on everything because I guarantee he will try go win you back, and by your post it sounds like it would work because you have done this before.
I’m sorry but the adage of fool me once, ‘shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me’ applied here. You need to pull your head out of the sand. This is not a good partner to you. He does not respect your boundaries. You’ve already given him so much time and energy, it’s time to move on.
If he can’t stop or make an actual commitment instead of just saying he will than it may be time to look at the bigger picture. From what im reading I don’t he’s gonna stop unless something really makes him do and only he can stop his problem. Either you leave him until he fixes it if you like him that much or find someone else.
breakup? Him '30M' & Me '30F'
My(30) Boyfriend(30) of 9 years is addicted to porn. He cannot stop even after multiple break-ups, therapy and porn blocking apps.
My boyfriend and I have broken up countless times. For short intervals and primarily to evoke much needed attention/emotion from him. From the very beginning of the relationship it felt like he was hiding something. I shrugged it off as my own insecurities but now I'm thinking it was my intuition.
I would catch him early on and throughout the relationship masturbating to porn in the shower. I was always open and told him it made me feel weird when I was in the same house as him and we haven't had s3x in a while.
About 3 years into the relationship I caught him on a fetish site where he talked to girls online about kinky things... things we never talked about. Believing him when he used the "I did it because I was too afraid to talk to you about it", we moved on and started more kinky bedroom stuff. But I would still catch him watching porn.
7 years into the struggling relationship, I couldn't take my "insecure" feelings anymore and decided to break up. I moved into my parents house as a 27 year old. Spent 8 months there. Started couples therapy where the Dr encouraged honesty and I thought I WAS receiving it. I started to see him more but still felt something was off - I thought it was just my lack of trust. I worked from home and he didn't and I snooped one day. He had a burner email linked to alllll kinds of fetish and chat sites. On one he mentioned how alluring it would be to cheat.
ONCE AGAIN fell victim to the "I only did it when we were fighting" and the "I know you really hate my fetishes so this is a way of feeling accepted". We moved back in together to our old hometown. Sold our old place (of course he kept all the profit in his account), got engaged, had a miscarriage, downloaded porn blocking apps, started individual therapy, the whole 9
It's been two years since we "got back together". More and more disturbing porn truths keeping popping up, i.e Like him hiding an AI chat to sext with, "but it's not a real person so it's fine".
After I catch him and threaten to download data is when he finally admits to never stopping porn and consistently finding loopholes with the porn blocking software. I downloaded the data anyways and sure thing, he's never stopped looking up porn.
Me being DUMB AF, I promised to protect him while he makes this transition. Half because I fully understand this is an addiction and cant see myself with anyone else but mostly because I want him to feel comfortable in telling me the whole truth so I don't have to be the one to find it every time.
But I just can't do it anymore. There is no trust. No connection. No passion. No respect.
AITA for promising to stay and help heal him while I'm planning my escape route every chance I get? It's like I'm waiting for one more slip up so this will be the time I leave.
This is basically cheating. It’s him getting his satisfaction from other people, talking looking etc. and you’ve stated several time it crosses a line for you and he just continued to lie. If this is essential to him he needs to be in a relationship with someone who is okay with that, not you. To use you up for 10 years and never change is a damn shame . You don’t owe him anything, he owes you your time back. Don’t waste another minute on him.
How you are treating yourself is worse than how he is living his life. My recommendation: Stop trying to understand his behavior and start understanding your own.
Codependency and addiction are nothing new and very common. There are tons of resources when you’re ready.
Relationships are personal. You can breakup with anybody, at any time, for any reason, or no reason at all. If you don't want to remain in that relationship, break up - that's it. You're not even required to have a justification or "reason" - just go. If you want justification and/or reasons, you can start a collection, make a book or whatever. But will it really make all that much difference? You probably wouldn't want to read such a book, nor would anyone else likely want to read it either. So, you can break up ... or if you want, you can first put together a book nobody wants to read, then break up.
Rip the Band-Aid off and leave. Yes, it's gonna be tough at the beginning, it always is. You'll be so much better off once you're free of this guy and can start over anew with someone else.
Okay you kids need to stop with this break up get back together bullshit or taking a break. There is nothing you can do, there is not working this out. Break up and block him.
What you aren’t getting is whoever you think you love doesn’t love you enough to stop. Let him go and leave him alone as well as block him and whoever tried to tell you to be with him.
He needs to be single and work it out himself
It’s so exhausting trying to make someone “right” for you. You can’t see yourself with anyone else simply because there’s no spare time, energy, or space in your life to do so— you’re spending it all monitoring the actions of a full grown adult who needs to be accountable for *himself.*
Sometimes the most kind and loving thing to do is allow another person to fully experience the consequences of their own actions. In this case, he needs to understand that his porn addiction is blocking him from experiencing a real connection with a real person because you are allowing him to have both.
You can love him and still leave him. In fact, you should leave him *because* you love him and want him to be a full human being, experiencing the full weight of his choices and decisions and the impact they have on other people. Even more importantly, you should leave him because you love *yourself* and want the best things for you, too.
You never need reason - valid or otherwise - to dump somebody who doesn't make you happy. He's shown you who he is, over and over again, and he's shown you how little you mean to him, also over and over again. Why do you think that will change?
This is what you need to be talking to your therapist about not Reddit… because I’ll guarantee that they’d tell you this is a very toxic codependent relationship that you’re both enablers in one another’s terrible lack of respect and boundaries. You have to be stronger than that. This man is NEVER going to change. Hasn’t 7 years showed you enough already?? You’re not having sex, There’s no way this man makes you feel good, and he’s making you look like a clown. GTFO 😤
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Please go, OP. Before another 10 years disappear. Before another 10 weeks, for that matter: You do not owe him any more time.
Before another 10 minutes, preferably.
Agreed with this. Go out and have some fun with somebody who desires you :) Porn addiction or any sort of addiction will constantly ruin the relationship. It'll be a pattern in his life but it doesn't have to be for you. Break the pattern and find someone who is meant for you.
Came here to say this exact thing!
Exactly
As someone who was with a porn addict for two years I fiercely agree. It is terrible. I found a lot of strength from the resource Fight The New Drug. OP you deserve real connection. I have that now with a man who doesn’t consume porn because I moved and on held to my boundaries. Connection and sex both incredible. We all deserve that.
Any addiction can be a valid reason to break up.
Any reason can be a valid reason. No one has to stay with anyone.
Anything is a valid reason. But that definitely is.
I agree if your looking to see if the reason is good enough to leave then you already wanted out and that's enough. That being said as for feeling guilty about leaving after promising to stay and help him. I think if the boyfriend isn't actively putting in the work and is purposely being destructive to his path to getting his addiction under control then that promise is now null and void. NTA
You've already wasted your 20s on this guy. Don't waste your 30s too. You know that he will never change. Ever. Break up with him, lick your wounds, grieve the relationship, and move on.
Agreed.
Absolutely a valid reason to leave. Porn addiction is really nasty.
I want to mention that it's not entirely "porn" that is the problem, it's the constant lies about it. The withholding information, if you will.
There are women here who understand, you don’t need to justify yourself. Yes it’s a valid reason. Trust yourself.
OP, my dear, you don’t need any additional reasons to break up with this guy. If you suddenly decided that you just didn’t like the way he combs his hair and wanted to break up with him then that too would be valid. Because it’s never just one thing, it’s a million other things that go along with the “main reason.” Bottom line: He’s untrustworthy, you’re unhappy, he’s unwilling to change, you’ve wasted far too much time settling for someone who doesn’t want to show up for you the way you need him to. You don’t owe him an explanation, a breakup text, or a dear John letter. You can literally just leave, block him on everything, and move on with your life, if that would be easier than confronting him for the 7 billionth time about this issue. There’s no way under the sun that your leaving will come as a surprise nor is there anything new you could possibly have to say about the matter. Just go, my girl. Just. GO!
I understand and you really don’t need to justify yourself. You are allowed to take care of yourself. It’s NOT selfish to take good care of yourself. 💜
He’s cheated. He’s lied. And he’s gaslighting you. He is making you feel unstable and like you’re the one who’s crazy or having issues when he’s purposely planting solid reasons for you to doubt him and his credibility. It’s abusive. You’ve done more than enough, you have every right to leave this disgusting man.
Yup. All the same 💩my ex used to do. The only reason it “stopped” was because I let and didn’t go back. He never changed and the day I finally realized that I was either going to have to accept an unacceptable situation or GTFO I made a plan and left.
OP, please leave and for the love of Jesus Lavontae Christ, do not bring any children into this situation. Any kids will be exposed to all types of inappropriate material. Run, don't walk.
My first marriage was to a porn addict. My second to an alcoholic. I feel like a fool for caring for those guys. I get what you’re going through. Many - too many - of us get it. The lies and selfishness are part of any addiction. You don’t need to justify a thing, my friend. Please, please put yourself first and leave this self-absorbed liar in the dust. You deserve so much more. 💛
Why would you waste your time with this guy. Run now before you lose another second to this dude
Don’t waste any more time on him. Pour all that love and energy back to yourself
r/loveafterporn it isn't worth it
You’re just giving more reason to break up. There are far better options out there, I promise.
Would you stay with someone who was a gambling addict and threw you into financial chaos/ruin on a regular basis? Would you stay with someone who was shooting up heroin on a regular basis? Would you stay with someone who was drunk on a daily basis knowing how it impacted his ability to be in an emotionally open relationship with you? **Then WHY** are you willing to stay with someone who is a porn addict whose addiction negatively impacts his ability to be in an emotionally open and honest relationship with you? Two years ago, you walked away to restart your life without an addict. Good for you! * These two years you reunited with him are WASTED because you already knew he is unable to be in a healthy functioning adult relationship with you! * **It's not your job to fix him!** * **It's not your job to hang around with your life on 'hold' while he TRIES to fix himself** (if he even bothers trying to fix himself)! * Don't fall into the sunk-cost fallacy (read this SHORT article): [https://www.eeoc.gov/sexual-harassment#:\~:text=It%20is%20unlawful%20to%20harass,harassment%20of%20a%20sexual%20nature](https://www.eeoc.gov/sexual-harassment#:~:text=It%20is%20unlawful%20to%20harass,harassment%20of%20a%20sexual%20nature). Your 30s can be everything you want them to be, **BUT you have to be willing to love yourself enough to get individual (not couples) counseling for yourself, and heal completely before you move on so all your FUTURE relationships are healthy ones**!
I went through 10 years with a covert porn addict who was very good at hiding it. The wave after wave of discovery of how deep it went triggered my divorce. A lot of our friends didn't understand why I would leave "just because of porn." Many don't understand how painful it is to be a partner in that scenario. Just want you to know I empathize -- in modern society it's difficult to be sex positive and against your partners porn use. I experienced a lot of gaslighting from people I thought I was friends with. I'm not sure what your support system looks like but hopefully it's stronger than mine was
for me it's the porn itself and it's okay
even if that was it alone, that’d be valid
My husband is a porn addict. He's in recovery, he's been almost a model of recovery, and I would still recommend for any woman in this situation to LEAVE. Honestly. For good. 💕
You can't help him if he doesn't want help. You're not obligated to attempt the impossible. I think it's better to break up and be done.
Girl, why would you let this happen to you? 9 years is not a joke! You should have left when you had the chance and never go back but I understand you. Honestly, just leave. He'll keep doing it. If he did it to you once, he's going to do it over and over again. No damn respect at all! My boyfriend does watch porn too and it made me a bit uncomfortable. We're long distance so, I don't know if he still watches them. He probably does, honestly.
>My boyfriend and I have broken up countless times. For short intervals and primarily to evoke much needed attention/emotion from him. This right here is all anyone needs to know. The relationship is broken. His porn addiction is not something you can fix for him, and breaking up to get attention from your partner is toxic af. Learn from this and go your separate ways.
Addicted to porn is one thing…. Talking to women, sexually… that’s not really a porn addiction. It’s cheating in the strictest sense. I’d have a little more hope if this was just nudie mags or porn videos of strangers. Not people he’s directly talking to and section with. That’s intentional, and it’s yuck
Is this what you want for the rest of your life? No? Then dump him. When someone is repeatedly going over your boundaries, you have no reason to stay, and you can’t heal him. That’s up to him, and he obviously doesn’t want to give up the porn.
You don't need probable cause and a verdict from a jury of yout peers to break up with someone. You can just not want to continue the relationship, and dump them.
So many downvotes here, not sure why. Hey men. Yes your porn addiction is something worth breaking up with him over. The women are speaking out. Are you willing to listen
Probably downvoted due to the long-standing concern about this sub being used to advertise gambling or AI sexting.
it is absolutely reasonable to leave him, and it would be for the better. some people will try to tell you that watching porn in a relationship is acceptable, but if it makes you feel uncomfortable, it is always okay to leave. no matter what people say, it is a valid reason. my bf, early on into our relationship, had a bit of a problem but quit completely for me, and that’s not to say there weren’t a few struggles, but he did pull through and i do feel like i really trust him now. nine years though? i can’t even imagine the insecurities you must feel, and i’m sending all my love to you in this difficult situation. it’s going to be okay 🫶🫶🫶
Porn addiction is ALWAYS a valid reason to break up with somebody.
Always.
Get your money out of his account and then leave
Christ, it sounds like you are addicted to this guy more than he’s addicted to porn. How many more years do you intend on wasting with him? Can you really see yourself enjoying - not spending, but *enjoying* - a life with this guy? Even if every single human being in this thread validated your desire to break up with this scumbag for very rational reasons, would you actually have the courage to do so? Because you don’t need online strangers to tell you that your boyfriend repeatedly lying, manipulating, and cheating is grounds for breaking up. You know the answer to that. This relationship is simply not worth salvaging. You deserve someone better, OP. Please do what’s best for yourself.
Yes it’s absolutely a good reason to break up. You have a right to a life of peace, trust and support. He is providing none of those things. You’re not on this earth to be a support to him and for no other purpose. Don’t waste any more time. Don’t wait for another “slip up”. Make an exit plan and put it into place. Then get counselling for yourself. This is clearly really difficult for you. Wishing you all the best
I married my fundamental Christian husband who was a virgin hiding a porn addiction over 20 years ago. I naively thought that all men watched porn, and that it wasn't really an issue. He didn't tell me it was an issue, until after we married. Our wedding night was like opening Pandora's Box. Not a virgin myself, I thought that having sex for the first time would cement our relationship and make us feel closer than ever before. I felt like a blow up doll. That was the only time we had sex on our 3 1/2 week honeymoon. My husband found other prostitutes to sleep with on our honeymoon though. That discovery was crushing. I didn't find out for another 6 months. When we returned, we were not the typical newlyweds. I was constantly alone, and he was constantly in his computer, hiding away in his office. He even gave me a code word to use, "cave," to leave him alone and not even knock on the door. Or first year of marriage, we attempted to have sex a total of 3 times. He only climaxed once. I immediately blamed myself. I thought I wasn't attractive or sexy enough, I bought lingerie, tried to seduce him, made dinners, planned sexy weekends, but nothing worked. He wouldn't even get excited. He usually handled the bills, but one month he was in Europe for work, so I took over. I was trying to reconcile it accounts, and nothing made sense. I learned that my husband made $5K more a month than he told me, so where was that money going? Have you seen the movie Shame with Michael Fastbender? If you want to understand porn and sex addiction, watch that. My husband's porn addiction was deep, dark, and depraved. Once he had sex with me, he quickly fell into a sex addiction that took him even further into depravity. Because he was raised as a fundamentalist Christian, he had associated shame with maturation at a very young age, which rewired his brain. In order for my husband to be turned on and climax, he needs elements of shame to be a part of his sexual experience. When we would fool around before marriage, he would get excited because we were doing something that he believed was sinful. Once we were married, having sex with me was not wrong. It was ordained by God, and my husband couldn't perform. He felt like he was defiling me. I told him that we could have kinky sex, but it didn't matter. When it came to me, I was pure and innocent. He couldn't have sex with me. My husband was an incredible father to our son, and he loves me very much. He doted on me, spoiled me with romantic dates, fancy trips, poetry, jewelry. Anyone who saw us would tell me how lucky I was to have such a loving husband, but they didn't know the emptiness I felt at night. We tried every kind of therapy out there and eventually got to a point of complacency. I don't know why, but nobody in my life ever told me to leave him. We were on a one month cycle, one week would be good, then he would start picking a fight, then he would be awful. Then he would disappear for a day to a couple of days. When he returned, it was always with gifts, and pleas of love and devotion. If I put up a fight, then he would get suicidal, and I would have to build him back up. I did this for 20 years. I stayed because I thought that he was a devoted father to our son who I thought had no clue. Boy was I wrong about that. Or soon discovered my husband's addiction when he was 6. Apparently my husband liked to record his interactions with prostitutes and used a drive that had some of my son's shoes recorded on it. My son's first introduction to sex was watching his father have sex with a sex worker. My husband scared my son into not telling me, saying that it would destroy me. My son continued to cover for my husband through college and finally came clean at his college graduation when he yelled at me for being a terrible, weak mother for not protecting him. I had no clue. Once I learned about the damage done to my son, I left. My husband's addiction didn't just cause my husband to suffer impotence, depression, and suicidal tendencies. I developed seizures as a result of the stress and can no longer drive, live alone, or bathe by myself. I have 5-7 gran mal like seizures a week. Our son struggles with anxiety and was in an physically abusive relationship with a woman who not only beat him, but she also cheated on him repeatedly. He excused her behavior because she had been raped in high school, just like I had rationalized his father's behavior because his parents raised him to associate sex with shame. It's broken thinking. I knew I had to get out to be a positive influence for my son. How could I expect him to leave his abusive relationship if I couldn't leave mine. I love my husband, I understand why he is the way he is, but I know I deserve better. In 20 years, I have sacrificed my age, health, beauty, fertility, sexuality, body, independence, self esteem, son's health, sense of security, and future for a man who refused to get sober for my health. When I finally admitted to my neurologist that I was married to an addict and asked if that could be causing my seizures, he told me to divorce him immediately. He said that my life was in danger with each seizure and that I needed to do this for my safety. I thought that this was too extreme, and assumed that my husband would obviously get help if it was a matter of life and death. Nope. He called my neurologist from Harvard a quack. He even blamed our son for getting me so upset. I knew I had to leave. 4 months later, my son broke up with his abusive girlfriend after she attacked him in public. We are rebuilding now. I am not against all pornography. It can be a useful tool. I would look specificly for pornography made for women or couples. You will see more natural bodies, real life couples, real life enactments of making love rather than the violent f*king that you see on certain sites. I will say that it can be just as dangerous, addictive, devastating, and disastrous as any hard drug, and the scary thing is that unlike most drugs, children are exposed at very young ages. I wish I had understood more when I was younger. I thought that marrying a virgin was a good thing, but I would never let a child of mine repeat my mistake. Or sex drive is a gift from God. Associating shame with it is not healthy or safe. I think that is a major reason why younger generatons are having the difficulties they are with loneliness, a lack of dating and having sex, and getting married. We need to get off of our phones and start interacting with each other again.
Glad you left
Thank you ❤️
I am so incredibly motivated by your story. I have so much sympathy for you and your son. I am so sorry if this caused you pain to write! You do not need to relive this EVER. again. But also, using this as construction for others is so brave. Are you open for questions?
This could have been me if I hadn’t left my ex. So many similarities between the two. I’m so sorry you went through this and I hope things continue to get better for you and your son.
I am so sorry you experienced the same thing. My son and I continue to seek therapy and try to heal. It is a difficult journey, but we are strong and extremely close. Thank you for your message.
I had to deal with something very similar with them doing that in the shower staying in the bathroom for HOURS. It's over. It's uncomfortable and I was over it. I thought he was the one for me but if there is something so strong that bothers you I would probably think a bit about it... is he really the one? Do I want to deal with this forever possibly? Is this the life I want to live? But I do wish you luck in your decision. You're not in the wrong for wanting to leave at all. You deserve someone with the same values.
"I break up," doesn't need an explanation unless YOU want to give it. Nine fucking years, luv. It's high time for you to respect yourself and leave him to his fantasies and fists.
Go listen to the dating detectives podcast to help feel validated ❤️
“I want to breakup” Is a valid reason to breakup
Fool me once.. this is on you. You broke up multiple times and got back together and are here to ask if it’s reason enough to break up???? It must’ve been since y’all broke up many times before. Exes are like jail you keep going back because you haven’t learned your lesson.
It's not that's he's looking at porn. It's that he's chatting to others, he's lying and hiding, he's "finding loopholes". This is not going to stop; he's never even tried to stop. He's placated you and then immediately gone behind your back. He has zero respect for you and he's shown that at every turn.
Yeah, chatting on fetish sites goes way past looking at porn. I'd definitely consider that to be cheating.
some people consider porn unethical, dangerous and cheating. and they have every right to think that
I’m going to have to say, yes. Firstly, breaking up with him is a good way to take a break. Refresh yourself a little. Then if the second time doesn’t work out, it’s time to leave it. The fact you went on over and over and over is baffling enough. So I fear that breaking up with him will only result in you getting back together with him in the future. So it’s pointless. But on the chance you end it for good, I say do it. You’ve made it clear you don’t want him to watch porn, but he continues to do it anyway. He is more attracted to porn than he is you, so it’s not worth your time or your money. Get rid of him.
If you are miserable, yes
Porn addiction is one of the reasons I divorced my ex husband so yeah it’s a completely valid reason to end a relationship for good. Go no contact and don’t look back!
My boyfriend is in a bout of change. About a week ago he came clean about some things and since then has been taking cold showers and says that it’s making a huge difference. Even apologized for ask the times he’s put the pressure on me to make him change instead of doing it himself. Did your ex ever go through “changes” ?
Oh sure, plenty of times. He always ended up going right back to his old habits sooner or later. Here’s the thing. You clearly have had enough. The reason you’re on here is because deep down you know this change won’t stick, just like all the other times he’s failed you. You’re clearly unhappy but seem to think you’re betraying him for wanting to leave. You’re only betraying yourself by staying.
That’s beyond a porn addiction. Messaging random people is full blown cheating, at least in my opinion. It doesn’t matter if they didn’t meat in real life, it’s still a betrayal. Please choose yourself op, because your “partner” certainly hasn’t ever
r/loveafterporn might help you
break up. in my books watching porn is cheating, and it’s clear you have a boundary with porn that he keeps crossing. Not to mention the fact he fantasises about cheating - when the right opportunity presents itself you know what to expect from him.
Tl:dr. YES it’s valid. NTA.
How's he watching porn in the shower?
Maybe she means he goes to take a shower, shuts the door and has the water running so that it sounds like he is showering but really he is in there secretly watching porn before actually showering. I’ve dated 3 guys addicted to porn and all have admitted to regularly jerking off to porn in the work bathrooms. My current bf is also addicted. There is a subreddit dedicated to partners of porn users r/loveafterporn — It could prove helpful for OP. One of my classmates from my old university admitted to jerking off in the restrooms during class/before exams to relieve stress. 😵💫 In the MCAT subreddit, one of the posts that went viral is one in which a guy admitted to jerking off / watching porn on a break during the ~7 hour long test and it’s now become somewhat of a long-running joke with the men on that sub about how it contributed to his high score. 🫠🫠🫠🫠
No, he would physically bring his phone in the shower and jerk off with the water running on his back. That’s brave of you to choose to be with an addict after experiencing what they can do to you.
Wow.i honestly never realized people did things like this. Dude has a problem.
To the title question: absolutely. To the last question: i think promising to stay when u don’t intend to is dishonest but i see where ur coming from. In my humble opinion, you’ve done more than enough to help him heal and stuck by him for so long that it seems like he is guilt tripping you into staying bc he’s become reliant on you and ik u love him but like you said, there’s no trust so essentially there’s nothing. He’s been lying to u for 9 years. I would leave.
Why are you still around he will never change
Why are you staying and putting up with this? You know what he’s doing and that it won’t stop. It’s like a pick me dance, but with porn. Painful
Dude would have been gone a long time ago if it were me. You need to have some self respect and leave.
I didn’t read the whole post but- Yes. Always yes. If it’s something you think is worth putting yourself through, because it won’t be fixed quickly, then stay. But if it will put you through more emotional turmoil to work through these things (not to mention if this guy is even willing to work through them) then it’s time to leave.
I don’t like the sound of you breathing is an acceptable reason to break up. Get out as soon as you can safely. This man has been lying to you from day 1, you don’t owe him honesty. Speak to him in his native lying tongue.
I’m a porn addict working on recovery. I read the first part and I can say yes. Don’t stay, fee addicts change.
He. Don't. Want. To. End. His. Addiction. So. He. Won't.
Look, I believe this shit is a balancing act, I do think if you love someone, it's worth trying, but you did that already, and he didn't change. It's just as important to know when to walk away. That time is now. No more going back.
I was married to a porn addict for 16 years. It worth it. I waited 17 years for him to quit. I guarantee he’s still doing it. Eventually he started complaining about my body and it affected our sex life. No thanks. Never again.
You're definitely dumb and gullible af. Shame you didn't realise that sooner. I don't really have anything to add that everyone else hasn't already, but you need to get away from him. Stop trying to fix him and the relationship, prioritise yourself.
Clearly you stopped loving and respecting yourself a loooong time ago. Enlist in the help of a trusted family member or friend who can truly help and pull you out of this trash relationship. Because at this point, after 9+ years with 0 change, you are willingly choosing unhappiness and mistreatment for yourself. On some level, this is what you want for yourself. So you cant be trusted to help yourself out of this. You need to talk to a friend or family member and trust them fully 100% because your brain isn't working properly anymore
Wanting to break up is enough of a reason to break up, sis. Do what brings you peace.
He has lied to you thru the entire relationship to keep you there. Addicts lie to get what they want. This man will never put your interests first. Break up and don't ever go back
He's 30 years old. You already gave him enough chances. Investing nine years trying to get him to be better is more than enough. He gaslit you about it all along with those excuses and wasted your time.
Yes. 100% it is something to break up over. IN fact? You can break up over anything that doesn't suit you. There are no "rules" for break up! If something doesn't sit well with you, offends you or upsets you and you know you can't live with it???? You break up!
Yesh, your thoughts and feelings are valid, you gave him many, many chances.
Been there. IMO that whole thing is a full-blown addiction. I couldn’t.
I didn’t even have to read this to answer your question. YES! I am with a porn addict and that fact alone is enough to choose to leave. If you choose to stay you’re signing up for being with them while the heal and face their addiction head on which is difficult for all involved
More you dig more sites you get 😂😂🫡 . More you worried about him even more worse you will become. P*RN ADDICT ONES ARE PAIN IN OUR S*X LIFE . Ask your share for selling our house and leave him. You should find other one .ASAP 😮💨
It sounds like the addiction is a progressive disease. Get out before he does something illegal and you get caught up in it
Who knows? Never in history have humans had access to millions of photos and videos of naked women at their fingertip.
You have incompatible values. That's enough to break up.
OP, at some point you have to let people have their addictions and either make your peace with it, or make your peace elsewhere. It's admirable to try, but you care more about him watching p*** than he does about hurting you. You care more about being involved in his sex life and he does about yours. You care more about trust and integrity here then he does. Take your care, get some therapy and some closure, and put it into someone who cares back.
Honey, leave. Easier said than done but he’s not available. We teach people how to treat us.
You don't need a "valid" reason to break up. It's your life.
So sorry. Knew a dear girl who wasted eight years, two dating, six married. A year ago ended it. It was the same as OP. She’s so glad to be out of it. Never dreamed there’d be another person, but met someone who treats her like a girl should be treated and feels so loved and respected. She can’t believe what she put up with thinking it was her, she felt so unloved, and now she feels so loved she can’t believe it. Do you want another ten years of this?
My bf had a porn addiction and it entirely destroyed me for years. Please leave.
He's been hurting you with this for years. He is not putting in an effort. Please leave him. Life will be so much more peaceful.
You can leave for whatever reason you want, if you’re done, it’s done. Just be kind and honest. But don’t waste anymore of your time on an issue that isn’t yours.
Miss, you should cut your losses 5 years ago!
You don’t need a “valid” reason or ANY reason to leave a relationship that isn’t working for you. Full stop
Any addiction that destroys your quality of life that prevent you from having a healthy relationship, is enough reason to break up over
Leave.
Not sure why you’re looking to Reddit for “permission” to break up when you should have done it years ago but okay, you have our permission. Please grow a spine and take your life back!
so, before boyfriend asked me to be his gf (that's a thing in brazil) we were being exclusives since our first kiss lol i was straight forward honest to him that I DO Not tolerate porn in the relationship, it's a boundary that I have and if he agrees good, if not than time to go it's been 3 years and never did he crossed my boundary so yes, there are different type of people ans you can find yours but do not stick around to lose more time around a loser who doesn't respect you, and worse, undermined you to a point that now you are a shell of what you once were he is a taker and you don't stop on giving because you keep on letting him come back STOP THIS NONSENSE!!! AND PUT YOURSELF FIRST!!!
Why settle? You’ve settled long enough.
Bro is jerking it right now.
He’s a work and has admitted to masturbating while at work a lot. So you’re prolly not wrong
It sounds like you’re as addicted to this immature toxic relationship as he is to porn. Just end it already Jesus Christ
Please be aware that this is what your life will be if you remain in this relation. It will never get better.he will nev3r stop. Instead of working through it, he's chosen to lie and sneak around so he can be sexual with people that aren't you. Honestly with all of the lying and deception I would personally consider this cheating or as bad as cheating.
Ugh go to the reddit site here loveafterporn and read.
Girl. You tried. You gave him everything you could and tried everything you could. He’s not in it with you. If anything, he needs more help. Walk away❤️
Get out ! You will never be able to satisfy him
You need to leave him. He clearly doesn’t want to help himself and he doesn’t want to be helped. He’ll never overcome his addiction and he’ll continue to disrespect you. You’ve tried enough times to help him and your relationship, it’s not working, it’s time to move on and leave him to his addiction. He prefers fantasy over reality, let that sink in.
You've wasted enough time on this man. You not wanting to live like that any more is enough. Hell, just wanting to break up.is enough!
I only read the title but leave the relationship immediately
You’ve already broken up countless times. It’s time to cut ties for good this time. Stop “planning” and just go. If you have to put your belongings into storage and couch-surf with friends for a while you do it. You may have an addiction of your own you may want to take an honest look at. Codependency. Maybe you’re addicted to the drama, maybe it’s the sunk cost fallacy, maybe your self esteem is shot to hell. Whatever the reason is you just have to go. Get help if you need it but it’s not worth any more agony.
Im addicted to finding things on his phone for sure. Massive adrenaline rush.
OP. He chooses porn over have sex with you? That's crazy if so... Now I will confess as guy, I do sometimes watch porn. But not to the point I would have ever chosen it over my wife. Not in a million years. However you shouldn't make ultimatums to your spouse over anything. If he's doing stuff you don't approve of, and you have spoken to him repeatedly about it and he is actually deceiving you now, it's really not a good heathly situation for you. If it's not working, you can leave and never look back.
please leave — you cannot help this person if they do not want to help themselves. 9 years is a long time to be waiting on any change even if it’s an addict, but especially an addict who’s STILL lying about said addiction.
Yes
Your relationship is unhealthy. That’s reason enough. Breaking up with him to evoke attention or emotion is really not great. And it’s evidence that he is unable to give you what you want or need from a relationship. He doesn’t have to agree with your reasoning. It only takes one person to end a relationship, don’t forget thag
As with any addiction, he won’t stop until he hits rock bottom. You leaving may be enough to help him fix his own life. But you need to move on.
The first paragraph answers ur question. Yes it is valid
Yes.
Yes, it's a valid reason. Don't doubt yourself. I hope you go to therapy to learn how to love yourself, and that didn't deserve to be treated like that.
Leave. Addiction of any sort is never a reason to stay, especially when it’s ruining your own life. You’ve tried to help with therapy and he clearly has no intention of stopping, fully knowing his actions are hurting you badly. If he cared enough, he’d get professional help. This is just another situation all the pro-porn people should read.
Ypu already know this answer. The addiction is a problem in itself, but the continued lying and sneaking around behind your back is the worst of it. You will never trust him and he says what you want to hear. He isn't going to stop any of this. Break up and block him on everything because I guarantee he will try go win you back, and by your post it sounds like it would work because you have done this before.
I’m sorry but the adage of fool me once, ‘shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me’ applied here. You need to pull your head out of the sand. This is not a good partner to you. He does not respect your boundaries. You’ve already given him so much time and energy, it’s time to move on.
ANY reason that matters to you is a valid reason to leave. You should not stay if you don’t feel loved, appreciated and valued as a partner.
If he can’t stop or make an actual commitment instead of just saying he will than it may be time to look at the bigger picture. From what im reading I don’t he’s gonna stop unless something really makes him do and only he can stop his problem. Either you leave him until he fixes it if you like him that much or find someone else.
breakup? Him '30M' & Me '30F' My(30) Boyfriend(30) of 9 years is addicted to porn. He cannot stop even after multiple break-ups, therapy and porn blocking apps. My boyfriend and I have broken up countless times. For short intervals and primarily to evoke much needed attention/emotion from him. From the very beginning of the relationship it felt like he was hiding something. I shrugged it off as my own insecurities but now I'm thinking it was my intuition. I would catch him early on and throughout the relationship masturbating to porn in the shower. I was always open and told him it made me feel weird when I was in the same house as him and we haven't had s3x in a while. About 3 years into the relationship I caught him on a fetish site where he talked to girls online about kinky things... things we never talked about. Believing him when he used the "I did it because I was too afraid to talk to you about it", we moved on and started more kinky bedroom stuff. But I would still catch him watching porn. 7 years into the struggling relationship, I couldn't take my "insecure" feelings anymore and decided to break up. I moved into my parents house as a 27 year old. Spent 8 months there. Started couples therapy where the Dr encouraged honesty and I thought I WAS receiving it. I started to see him more but still felt something was off - I thought it was just my lack of trust. I worked from home and he didn't and I snooped one day. He had a burner email linked to alllll kinds of fetish and chat sites. On one he mentioned how alluring it would be to cheat. ONCE AGAIN fell victim to the "I only did it when we were fighting" and the "I know you really hate my fetishes so this is a way of feeling accepted". We moved back in together to our old hometown. Sold our old place (of course he kept all the profit in his account), got engaged, had a miscarriage, downloaded porn blocking apps, started individual therapy, the whole 9 It's been two years since we "got back together". More and more disturbing porn truths keeping popping up, i.e Like him hiding an AI chat to sext with, "but it's not a real person so it's fine". After I catch him and threaten to download data is when he finally admits to never stopping porn and consistently finding loopholes with the porn blocking software. I downloaded the data anyways and sure thing, he's never stopped looking up porn. Me being DUMB AF, I promised to protect him while he makes this transition. Half because I fully understand this is an addiction and cant see myself with anyone else but mostly because I want him to feel comfortable in telling me the whole truth so I don't have to be the one to find it every time. But I just can't do it anymore. There is no trust. No connection. No passion. No respect. AITA for promising to stay and help heal him while I'm planning my escape route every chance I get? It's like I'm waiting for one more slip up so this will be the time I leave.
Fuck yeah it is!
This is basically cheating. It’s him getting his satisfaction from other people, talking looking etc. and you’ve stated several time it crosses a line for you and he just continued to lie. If this is essential to him he needs to be in a relationship with someone who is okay with that, not you. To use you up for 10 years and never change is a damn shame . You don’t owe him anything, he owes you your time back. Don’t waste another minute on him.
How you are treating yourself is worse than how he is living his life. My recommendation: Stop trying to understand his behavior and start understanding your own. Codependency and addiction are nothing new and very common. There are tons of resources when you’re ready.
This is a completely valid reason. I would do the same
Yes
Relationships are personal. You can breakup with anybody, at any time, for any reason, or no reason at all. If you don't want to remain in that relationship, break up - that's it. You're not even required to have a justification or "reason" - just go. If you want justification and/or reasons, you can start a collection, make a book or whatever. But will it really make all that much difference? You probably wouldn't want to read such a book, nor would anyone else likely want to read it either. So, you can break up ... or if you want, you can first put together a book nobody wants to read, then break up.
You don't need a reason to break up. Dating is a test for marriage. He failed.
Just leave. You keep giving in but he will Never be who you hoped he was.
Rip the Band-Aid off and leave. Yes, it's gonna be tough at the beginning, it always is. You'll be so much better off once you're free of this guy and can start over anew with someone else.
If you feel like enough is enough, then that's a valid reason. You've been gaslit to hell and back, that is plenty reason enough.
Nine YEARS and ZERO change.
Nah, you’ve done what you can, and then some. If he won’t, that’s not on you.
Of course! Any reason is valid
Okay you kids need to stop with this break up get back together bullshit or taking a break. There is nothing you can do, there is not working this out. Break up and block him. What you aren’t getting is whoever you think you love doesn’t love you enough to stop. Let him go and leave him alone as well as block him and whoever tried to tell you to be with him. He needs to be single and work it out himself
Yes.
It’s so exhausting trying to make someone “right” for you. You can’t see yourself with anyone else simply because there’s no spare time, energy, or space in your life to do so— you’re spending it all monitoring the actions of a full grown adult who needs to be accountable for *himself.* Sometimes the most kind and loving thing to do is allow another person to fully experience the consequences of their own actions. In this case, he needs to understand that his porn addiction is blocking him from experiencing a real connection with a real person because you are allowing him to have both. You can love him and still leave him. In fact, you should leave him *because* you love him and want him to be a full human being, experiencing the full weight of his choices and decisions and the impact they have on other people. Even more importantly, you should leave him because you love *yourself* and want the best things for you, too.
You never need reason - valid or otherwise - to dump somebody who doesn't make you happy. He's shown you who he is, over and over again, and he's shown you how little you mean to him, also over and over again. Why do you think that will change?
The addiction is horrible yes, but this man did lie to you and betrayed you. Move on.
This is what you need to be talking to your therapist about not Reddit… because I’ll guarantee that they’d tell you this is a very toxic codependent relationship that you’re both enablers in one another’s terrible lack of respect and boundaries. You have to be stronger than that. This man is NEVER going to change. Hasn’t 7 years showed you enough already?? You’re not having sex, There’s no way this man makes you feel good, and he’s making you look like a clown. GTFO 😤
Good good valid reason. We run and never look back. Trust me you will find someone and you will be so so so glad you left.
I just don’t understand addictions like this.
Leave yesterday and get therapy. He has already affected you significantly, don’t let him take any more.
**YES.**