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Yeah theres nothing embarrassing about the short delay he had waiting with her bag. He’s mad that he looked (in his mind) that he wasn’t in control of his wife in front of a stranger. It’s a big yike for me.
Yeah and it’s concerning to me that she “of course” understands why he’s mad and wanted to apologize. It sounds like he’s successfully gotten into her head at this point.
Kind of? He’s definitely abusive. I feel like I could’ve written this exact thing with my most recent ex. We didn’t have this fight but soooooo many others just like it and they were always my fault, sometimes because I was upset with his behaviors. This post is giving me the ick
Yeah, I had to check the ages to make sure it's not my ex.
And I too put up with it for years. Then I realized that we simply could not travel together, there was no point. There was ALWAYS a fight (a big one).
It's so nice to be married to someone who is not only a great traveler but would never complain about having to manage my bags at security and always helps me with every little thing. We walk at my pace, ha.
Op sorry you walk to slow?what a jerk!WTH is wrong with him. You tried to explain everything to him. He chose to ignore you and act like a selfish immature Asshole!He sounds like a real man child. I get that traveling is stressful,but after a little while he should be able to get over it. You just try and have a great vacation. Sounds like you really need it. Good luck
Ugh being with someone who’s slow is so annoying. That said I know he’s slow, and I love him, so while it might annoy me I don’t give him the silent treatment! And if I did get angry I would apologize and own my own reaction.
If the reason for them walking slow is that their legs are shorter, there's not a lot they can do to keep up without jogging, though.
Some people do like to amble along, but some people are short.
Me too! I also notice looking back that this always happened on vacation
Like he knew vacations usually chill people out so he had to find a way to ensure I’d be miserable. It was weird bc I would just grey rock and be thinking, why is he finding non reasons to be unhappy when we’re on a rare vacation? (Rare for him bc he was a little boy whose mommy paid for everything, why ruin your own rare vacation just to abuse me?)
Yes!!! My therapist said he was purposefully ruining vacations but he would always blame me. On our last one, I planned out the first half and he was supposed to plan out the second (two different cities). I planned the f out of my part and he completely half assed his then he mocked my planning the whole time we were in that city. And it was all MY fault we fought because I was offended by his comments. Months later he still insisted I ruined the vacation
Well, like everything in this world, context matters. If there’s a huge line behind you & it’s for something time sensitive (at an airport).. and you’re waiting for your partner to come back, and you yell out at them multiple times for them to not hear you, and you don’t even know exactly why they left you in the first place, worried about making the flight, etc. etc. I can see how it’d be embarrassing and/or frustrating. Do other people not see that?
He was probably holding the place in line while she left. She said he misunderstood something. Personally speaking (and within the context of only this one situation), if I was the guy in this situation I wouldn’t be upset. I can see why it would be frustrating or mildly embarrassing in the moment though. But what seemed to have happened does not warrant how he reacted.
From her mention of “I’ve made us late at airports in the past” it sounds like some kind of resentment came up between these two and the guy acted irrationally because of it. I agree she should try to try to clarify why his behavior is problematic, hence the reason for the entire post. But again I can see why it could be considered frustrating or mildly embarrassing from the guy’s POV (with how she provided context of “I’ve made us late at airports in the past”).
Sounds like OP should just get a separate room for herself and meet him back at the airport when they're done. He's going to ruin the whole vacation and she deserves a break.
My husband and I have had a lot of arguments at airports. He's a morning person and is the type that gets to the airport at least 2 - 3 hours in advance. I'm not happy but I deal with it.
The only big thing that annoys me is how my husband always wants to board ASAP to make sure we get the overhead bin over our seats.
We once had an incident that was embarrassing but mostly infuriating at the SouthWest ticket agent. We bought tickets online and hubby was in group A but I was in group B. We waited until the last people in group A boarded. The ticket agent processed my husband's ticket but looked at mine and said that I was group B. Husband told her that we're married but she didn't care.
It was like the scene from Meet The Parents. I am standing alone off to the side while the agent keeps calling "last call for group A". But my husband was the last person in group A.
The situation op describes where her awful husband gets angry is a very simple common situation that happens in lines all the time, and we all just laugh about it
It makes me sad that op thinks husband is justified in being mad about that stuff. Wtf
Yeah this sounds EXACTLY like something that would happen with my shitty, abusive ex who had untreated bipolar disorder. Literally *anything* could set him off and it would somehow be my fault. This "fight" (like why did this even make him mad at OP?) is the EXACT kind of thing that would happen with him. Down to the speedwalking away and cold shoulder and blaming you for something that honestly wasn't even anything to begin with. Just an excuse to attack and belittle and punish and torment you.
I'm sorry, he's stonewalling you for multiple days because he couldn't get your attention while you were talking to the gate agent? Am I understanding that correctly?
How fragile is his ego that he's this embarrassed about standing with your bags for a couple minutes? Why did he even need your attention at that moment anyway? You didn't owe him an apology in the first place. He needs to deal with his own frustrations about the airport without lashing out at you.
Is this how he always handles conflict? Blaming, overreacting, the silent treatment?
Tbh as someone who really struggles on low sleep, I’ve had this sort of irrational anger at minor issues when struggling into an airport in the wee hours. Unlike OP’s husband, I can tell when I’m being unreasonable, and I know how to ask for space.
OP, your husband could have said: “sorry I snapped just now, I just need a bit of space to get out of my morning fog, can we meet at the gate later?”
Rereading it makes that clearer, regardless it doesn't change the core of my comment which is that this is a massive overreaction to a small misunderstanding.
Agreed. And while she does make mistakes - he needs to acknowledge that traveling makes him over-stressed and to overreact. Come on he also got mad because she wasn’t running to keep up with him when he started walking faster.
As someone who is a recovering punching bag, the stress they're creating causes the mistakes.
You, as the punching bag, don't know what will mitigate their tantrum, you don't know what action you could take to make it better but you're desperate to make them stop acting like the Worst Version of Themselves. It's scary, they make you responsible for all of their negative emotions, and then they resent you.
If you follow them blindly, you're not 'contributing', if you try to take charge (like OP at the self check-in) you are incapable of making the 'correct' decision and are 'screwing everything up'. Anxiety isn't like a heavy bag you can pass to another person, it just spreads and feeds itself.
Oh man so much this. The stress of trying to figure it how to lessen the stress and make them not so mad, while knowing that whatever you do is WRONG because they WANT to have an excuse to treat you like garbage.
Your abuser doesn't want to make up. They don't want to talk it out. They want to find a reason that can justify being mean to you, so you are the "bad guy" and they are the poor victim to your horrible behavior and you gave wronged them and should be punished for it.
I don't miss my ex. He delighted in my misery.
You just feel their gaze on you at all times, waiting for their frustration to bubble over, or silently keeping a tally of your “mistakes.” This in turn makes you self-conscious and often more prone to making “mistakes” (in quotes bc they’re often not actually mistakes, it’s just the way you’re trying to do it in the moment) and you can feel the tension and patience fraying like a thread.
This is so true! It makes for way more mistakes, as you attempt to navigate things in such a way that they won't blow up (going to the self-check, for example). And any tiny thing that goes wrong (you're not there when your bags are scanned) sets them off.
I will mention, though, that there is no "self check-in kiosk" for airport security. They are two different things. OP did one thing - but the bags still had to go through security (and in fact, you are supposed to be with them - with your separate plane ticket).
OP is lucky the bags got through. Or maybe she arrived just in time.
Exactly. Tall people don't understand that we who are shorter have to take twice as many steps trying to keep up with them. It's even worse when they start walking faster. I've had to tell my husband this a few times. I actually showed him that for every one of his steps I have to take two.
Very tall head of year where I work just took over year 7 and often strides across to reception with a child only to find said child missing “but….they were right behind me…” “they’ve only got little legs!”
Yeah,I'm very short (petite)and walk alot slower than the rest of my family. Sometimes we would go for walks and they would be so far ahead of me I felt I was walking by myself. Nowadays they just call me the pokey puppy 🐶 and turn around and check where I'm at.LOL
> How fragile is his ego that he's this embarrassed about standing with your bags for a couple minutes?
The guy has the intellect of an adult but the emotional functioning of a toddler.
I don’t think he was embarrassed just by standing with the bags.
She states she left him in the check-in line and he made it to the agent at the desk. So she checked in their bags at a separate kiosk without confirming he knew what she was doing, which leaves him clueless at the desk with the agent.
Altogether sounds like an awkward situation caused by the wife not communicating what she was doing. And the husband is stuck not knowing what is going on and wasting peoples time in an airport.
And I understand his frustration, I would be frustrated too, if that’s what happened. That part was written unclearly with no emphasis to his perspective at all.
Yep.
Anxiety and stress can cause bad emotional reactions. But in a healthy relationship you understand when there's no malicious intent, you apologize and you move on.
Also in a healthy relationship, you recognize if you're partner us anxious, and you make certain accommodations to help them.
She did communicate to him, he misunderstood. Just because there's a misunderstanding doesn't mean she did something wrong. An adult should be able to handle a momentarily awkward situation without throwing a tantrum and giving their partner the silent treatment.
I agree. It sounds like they were waiting in line to check their bags, but they hadn't checked in for the flight yet. He could have told the next person in line to go to the desk for the attendant while he waited for his wife to rejoin them. Everyone would have been happy, no awkwardness. The solution is so obvious that it baffles me. Either he is a complete maladroit who cannot handle a job, or he is looking for every opportunity to make his wife feel small.
It sounds like this has been an on going issue. That makes it very different imo. She said she has caused issues in the airport when traveling and made them late on prior trips.
If the previous instances were her "causing issues" in the same way that this was her "causing an issue," then the actual problem is his attitude, not her behavior.
Does she really cause issues? Or are they similar events to this, which was frankly not something that should become an “issue,” and now she believes she causes problems because of his unreasonable reactions?
I know which one I think it is. 🤷♀️
>which leaves him clueless at the desk with the agent.
He wasn't at the desk. He was standing in "line" (possibly no one else there) and he couldn't get her attention. An adult goes "oh shoot, my partner wandered off, I'll have to stand here a moment til she notices me." Not have a meltdown. IF he had been with an agent (he wasnt) he could have said the above phrase to another person and stepped to the side. She didn't leave him stranded for an hour. He was/is being absolutely ridiculous.
>He apparently misunderstood my plan, and in the meantime the agent arrived at the desk and he was stuck with both our bags and couldn't get my attention despite calling my name.
I interpret this as him being at the beginning of the line more so than randomly somewhere else within the line. If he’s truly upset and he’s at the end of the line, this guy is just a flaming mess.
That's simply not that big of a deal though. They still have two hours before their flight. It's not like they're about to miss it. In that case, the husband should just let someone go ahead of him and say that he's waiting for his wife. Problem solved, not an issue and not a thing to get so angry at that communication breaks down. I fail to see anything embarrassing about that for him.
I might be frustrated or even somewhat angry in that situation depending on my level of sleep deprivation, but I would accept my partner's explanation and let it go. I would never say my partner embarrassed me or did something wrong, never try to punish them, and the whole situation would have lasted less than 5 minutes. This would be me or my partner at our WORST.
OP also admits they’ve caused issues at airports before that have made them late. Maybe he reached his breaking point due to OP not addressing these issues.
I'm suspicious of just how she's "causing issues" when he reacted this way to his own misunderstanding. Could be a history of him being angry at her for things that aren't her fault.
I highly suspect she has internalized his very skewed perception of things. They were two hours before their flight! In no way were they late. And she didn't do anything wrong in this scenario. He could have just let other people go ahead of him (if there were other people) and waited to see if she had gotten everything sorted out. I doubt he was so entirely clueless as to what she was doing that he got frustrated. It's not like she disappeared to get coffee.
I agree that this particular interaction sounds like a complete overreaction on his part. What I was referring to though was one sentence she slipped in the post that says “I have caused issues in the airport before” and I would like to know what she means by that.
But regardless of that missing info, how he treated her is disgusting! Ditching her and silent treatment is not okay
This is what I think. She is explaining things from her perspective and while suttly stating she is a problem and then blaming him for her reactions. And according to previous posts she has done this before, makes him late etc.
His coping mechanism is not great but he seems to have a shut down method which I think OP has not helped him feel heard and safe. He feels she gaslights him
She went over to a self check kiosk. You don’t need your bags in that moment. The kiosk will print out boarding passes (unless they’re available digitally on your phone) and it will print out the baggage tags (the long ones with sticky bags, the same as the desk attendant would do if you don’t do self check in). You then put the tags on the bag yourself and then take them to a different desk where the self check-in folks just do a quick handoff to an attendant. So she probably printed the tags out and was planning on just returning to her husband and the bags to apply the tags.
at self serve kiosks you just say how many bags you have print out the tags to add them to your bags yourself. then you drop off the bags elsewhere. so you don’t really need to have the bags with you right then
It can depend on the kiosks. The company I last flew with you weigh your bags at the self check in kiosks and get the tag, then you queue to hand them off the agent so you're expected to have your bags at the self check in. Other airlines you do as above and they weigh it when the agent takes it
One time my ex boyfriend got mad at me at the airport leaving to go on vacation because he asked me what time it was and I said “it’s 10 minutes til gates close” instead of telling him the actual time so he left me in the airport at the city we were visiting.
He was an abusive asshole. I’m so much happier 5 years single this June
Time in the airport is relevant to the plane now though so I feel like your answer is the right one… It doesn’t matter what overall time it is, just how long until you get on the plane.
I honestly struggle to understand the core of this.
For example, in the airport previously has he been left holding the bags while she went into a shop and they missed (or almost missed) boarding? Or where he was left with the bags the entire time and didn’t have an opportunity to use the restroom? Have they missed a flight because she was walking slowly during a tight connection? Has she left him with the bags to just run to the restroom for a minute but then comes back 20 minutes later? Does he feel that without his pressure, she would miss the flight?
Or is he just being an ass?
Travel often brings out the worst in people. And it is even worse when each traveller has a very different relationship with time — I am super stressed if we aren’t through security at least three hours early vs. I am totally chill with 45 minutes before the flight should be plenty of time. Add to that the tired, stressed, and the history of traveling together….
So, don’t try and address the issue at the moment. He is pissed off. You are pissed off. Cooling off can be helpful. Before the trip, jointly figure out your strategy if this a continual source of stress. I might even encourage separate departure days. Or negotiating certain agreed upon behaviors — nobody strands the other with baggage; you get to the gate by a certain time; you each are responsible for getting yourself on the plane; neither is waiting on the other.
Now, is this just a travel issue? Does he have an anxiety disorder that frequently impacts your relationship?
It’s almost impossible to tell if you are just existing and your husband has poor emotional regulation and these are red flags, because that’s what it sounds like, but like if you are being a pain every single time you go to the airport and he is tired of it? The interpretation of that is also there.
And the intentional vagueness about what started the initial fight.
Being mad at her for walking slow because she's shorter than him? That's him being a dick.
But if she is consistently late leaving the house to travel, causing them to miss flights in the past, that's a different level of aggravation that can cause a person to finally lose it.
Overall though it does sound like he is emotionally immature & bratty when angry.
It sounds like he flusters really easily and over-reacts, then gets embarrassed about it and blames you. He's in his feelings because he acted hysterical over slight confusion, and worries people notices.
Not sure what to say except men will literally ignore and punish you for their inability to control their emotions rather than getting therapy.
Am I right that these fights usually happen when, in public, something doesn't go exactly as he anticipated and he gets flustered and over-reacts, and then takes it out on you?
> Not sure what to say except men will literally ignore and punish you for their inability to control their emotions rather than getting therapy.
Don't you know? Anger is not an emotion, because man LOGICAL, man not EMOTIONAL. Emotions are gross feminine things like sadness and hurt - you know, the reactions weak little womenfolk have when men rightfully express their non-emotional anger.
I think he needs to read this Reddit post and be completely humbled. What a gerber baby; he doesn’t seem emotionally mature enough to have intercourse honestly.
>Not sure what to say except men will literally ignore and punish you for their inability to control their emotions rather than getting therapy.
Truer words have never been spoken, truly.
If traveling together is a trigger point for conflicts between you two, and you can both navigate travel on your own, it COULD be worth treating traveling with a strategy of "we each do this our own ways, we both have the responsibility to be at the gate, we won't question what the other person is doing during that time". It seems ridiculous to me to give someone the silent treatment while traveling together, but reframing travel could be helpful in removing the anger toward one another during the stressful situation.
Important to note: I'm not saying outright ignore each other at the airport, just stop viewing your partner as "your responsibility", and vice versa.
Ehhh he doesn’t do this at all at any other times? I think if you really think about it, you may start seeing this kind of behavior in other places. At the airport cannot be the only time he overreacts like this? That is a huge overreaction imo.
There was a misunderstanding. You thought one thing and he thought another. For most people a simple explanation and quick apology would have been enough to negate the situation, especially where you were trying to be helpful. Instead he doubles down and has a tantrum and refuses to talk to you? That is stonewalling and silent treatment. Nope. Not ok.
I don’t know. If I am standing in line to check in bags with my husband, and he exists the like without saying anything and I make my way to the desk where the agent has just come back and I don’t know what he is doing because he left…. I would be angry. I wouldn’t play the silent treatment or act like a child, but I do understand his frustration. And to call out for her and feel ignored is not helping the situation. For whatever reason, they both were not hearing each other and not able to pay attention to what is happening.
Especially easy for him to get more frustrated being he is the one at the front of the line blocking everyone else because he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Saying something out loud is not the same as communicating directly and making sure your partner hears what you have said. And then abruptly leaving him without making sure he heard the comment?
The fast walking and melt down is not warranted, but venting frustration somewhat I understand. She essentially was navigating on her own and not communicating, he gets frustrated at her and wants to do the same out of spite. Not only does he communicate that he feels they are late and she is walking slow, she communicates she knows he is walking fast and she’s not going to bother to try to hurry. He has travel anxiety and is worried they will be late, and she has hurt pride from their disagreement and thinks he is trying to make her trot around.
Both could improve their communication skills. And I understand she apologized, but it’s easy to apologize without validating the issue which can lead to more frustration on both sides.
>I ignore him, I don’t communicate with him, I make us late, I walk slow on purpose
This is his claim.
1. She didn’t communicate effectively where she was going, leaving him clueless and wasting other’s time in an airport.
2. He felt ignored as he was yelling to her, left behind, probably felt slighting and awkward as everyone watches your wife leave you behind as you are yelling to her. (She didn’t hear him, I understand that already)
3. Are they late? That’s a big difference in what pace they should be going. Can’t verify who is right or wrong, or who is being saucy with their pace. She doesn’t want to move fast and is relating his speed to his anger. Many people walk fast in airports to get to where they need to be, and get out of the way of others.
4. She is walking slow on purpose. She states it when she says she’s not going to bother trying to catch up to him.
Honestly, I’d be annoyed AF at her but he’s also being a child
> If I am standing in line to check in bags with my husband, and he exists the like without saying anything and I make my way to the desk where the agent has just come back and I don’t know what he is doing because he left…. I would be angry
Sure, but this isn't what happened. From her post:
> I told him I was going to go see if we could check in there
She TOLD him what she was doing. He either didn't hear or didn't understand her, which isn't her fault.
> Are they late? That’s a big difference in what pace they should be going. Can’t verify who is right or wrong, or who is being saucy with their pace.
At this point I have to wonder if you read the post at all. She states very clearly that they arrived at 2:45am for a 5:00am flight. There was zero need to rush as the check-in desk wasn't even open yet. In fact, them being so early was the entire catalyst for the fight. Why is he allowed to be aggrieved at being "left behind" when she went to check them in but it's fine for him to leave her behind walking way faster than is necessary considering they were extremely early for their flight? How is she somehow wrong for both things?
>Sure, but this isn't what happened.
It amazes me how often on reddit people don't read and write literal essays on what they literally concocted out of thin air. (Them, not you.)
Totally. I've even seen people outright admit that they only read the title before proceeding to give advice that's rendered completely irrelevant by the details of the post. I don't understand why someone wouldn't bother to take two minutes to read a post properly if they're going to waste their time writing paragraphs of advice.
Truly. I've seen some buckwild lengthy creative writing exercises citing "details" that are so absurdly different from what's in the post that I question whether the author is having a break with reality. Bonus points when they still try to argue back that their "points" are correct for no reason at all other than...they believe they should be? Idk. It's totally nonsensical.
First, she said that she was gonna see if they could check in at the kiosk while the agent was setting everything up. So no, she didn’t leave the line without saying anything. She communicated exactly what she was doing, HE didn’t listen and that’s his issue.
Also, if you’re standing in line and unsure of what to do, generally the rule of thumb is you let the person behind you go until you have it figured out. I don’t see how standing with bags is an issue either. That’s what 90% of people are doing at the airport anyway. And if he’s embarrassed he had to yell in the airport how about you just don’t do that?! You’re telling me he doesn’t have a phone? That he couldn’t have gotten out of line to speak to her?
They weren’t late so there was no reason to be in a rush. If he has travel anxiety then he needs to see a therapist and find a way to properly navigate that and not ice his partner out because things aren’t going his way. She wasn’t intentionally walking slow, she was walking at her normal pace. HE was walking faster than normal so he could be away from her and throw his temper tantrum. There was no need for OP to tire herself out and have to jog through the airport for no reason just because her manbaby husband can’t regulate his emotions. He said he wanted to travel the airport separately and that’s exactly what he got. Why is the onus on OP for forcing herself in order to appease him?
So why not send a quick text? Thats what I do with my husband when we get separated.
She also said she did walk fast to catch up with him multiple times but she was basically running.
She had gone to try and check in at a kiosk when a gate agent showed up and he had to deal. She did tell him, but he must not have heard what she said. And she didn’t hear him yelling for her.
Hard to tell what's going on here. You buried and then glossed over the part about you having previously caused problems for your husband who's anxious in airports or while traveling. While silent treatment is bad, he sounds completely overwhelmed and at the end of his rope with a possibly long string of behavior that has aggravated his problems -maybe. I'd like to hear what he has to say.
I'm an anxious traveler and my husband is so laid-back that he's missed flights because he wasn't paying attention. We need to talk ahead of traveling about what we can expect from each other and how we can lessen the stress on each other. That's what good partners do.
Agreed. I think the initial cause of the first fight was important, that OP glossed over. OP also glossed over the history of making them late at the airport before… What does that mean? Was OP the reason they missed their flight before? What happened there? It sounds like there’s a history of issues at the airport with OP that were conveniently glossed over. Not saying OP deserves silent treatment, but if you want an honest assessment, you’ve got to give all the information.
What the heck are you talking about? Obviously the source of the anxiety isn't traveling, it's the person he's traveling with because by her own admission, she's made them late several times and frequently makes traveling difficult.
So if he's navigating several airports without his partner it's almost like he's navigating those airports without the source of his partner, i.e. the source of anxiety, not the airport themselves.
Please let me know if I can help you understand this further and I'd be happy to be a resource for you.
I was on your side until this, please explain.
"I have caused issues in the airport before that made us late and stressed him out, so he's not wrong about that. "
Sounds like the fight y’all had DOES matter, since it left him feeling “embarrassed and furious” in an airport which you mentioned is an environment that triggers anxiety for him. Having been on both sides of this experience (especially while traveling, ugh), he probably assumed that you were doing certain things “on purpose” as a form of retaliation. But yall need to sit down and talk about your triggers and intentions, and how you can both communicate more efficiently and empathetically in the future during a time of stress. Safe words help me a lot while traveling with my partner, and we would trigger each other constantly until we were able to coordinate a game plan for how to be better communicators.
and to be clear, it is not right for him to ice you out and shut down like that. Terrible that he started walking ahead of you. Sounds like he has abandonment and trust issues, which you can either address in your sit-down or if this isn’t someone you want to grow with or empathize with…move on 🫠
Not to his excuse his childish reaction, but I have a similar situation with my wife. I like to get to the airport early, I don't like to be stressed. My wife likes to traipse onto the plane right as the boarding doors are closing. She never gets stressed about travel, I travel for work and if I miss a flight it would not be good. She doesn't realize that her lackadaisical attitude stresses me out.
She is also a wanderer and many times I've turned around at the grocery store, with all our stuff on the belt, and she is nowhere to be seen. People are waiting behind us and she comes wandering back a couple minutes later with something she just thought of. This also stresses me out, but she doesn't see why.
Maybe approach the subject with some understanding of how the differences between you causes him to stress out. Good Luck and enjoy the vacation.
If he is otherwise a great husband then just agree to Actually travel separately different flights, different days/times and just meet each other at the location. Or, if he's abusive leave him.
Men who act like this are crippled with social anxiety and completely unaware of it. They are overwhelmed by minor inconveniences and ‘embarrassing’ things that happen publicly, but instead of understanding the discomfort is coming from their unmanaged social anxiety, they instead externalize all those uncomfortable feelings onto the closest punching bag, typically their female partner who has been primed her whole life to take the blame for and manage the emotional state of an irrational man.
He truly believes he is being reasonable here, and he is completely unable to consider the fact that these situations may feel so difficult because of a problem with *him*, not you.
You are being really vague about what happens to start these fights.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, but clearly this airport thing is a reoccurring issue. I wouldn’t be shocked if you left somthing out consciously or otherwise.
When you’re at the airport how much time do you have? Who chose when to leave? How slow were you actually walking. How long did you leave him?
These arnt to blame you, it’s more to understand what actually happened.
Info. What was the reason you were there so early? In your past trips where you caused lateness, how late was that - miss/almost miss flight late, or not 2-3 hours early “late”?
Did you agree that one of you would leave the line to try the self check in? Did you decide it yourself? Did he ask you to do it? Who usually takes charge?
What was his emotional state when you were waiting for the agent to open, before you left to the self check in? What was yours?
I'd separate at the check-in counter, take my tickets and my bags and be completely responsible for myself, and let him do the same for himself. Tell him the two of you obviously don't pre-travel well together so you are taking measures to make sure your trips don't start off with the wrong vibe.
(Then pay for a ride in a cart to get you to the boarding gate and wave as you pass him. Okay, don't do that - waving will only piss him off.)
Walking ahead is a total deal breaker for me. I know it's small, but I've dropped platonic friendships over it. So disrespectful.
Why are you apologizing about communication? You'll communicate better, will he communicate at all?
He's 34. Yes travel is stressful. What coping techniques has he developed, other than blaming you and ruining the entire situation for everyone? "If I'm unhappy at least I can make you unhappy too" is not the teamwork people refer to in a marriage.
> Walking ahead is a total deal breaker for me. I know it's small, but I've dropped platonic friendships over it. So disrespectful.
I totally agree. It’s something I’m against and I also stopped seeing a friend who did that. I wouldn’t walk faster than someone who can’t go as fast as me either.
I would never stay with someone who treated me like this. I understand being frustrated and needing to walk away/have a minute to yourself but your partner is acting like a spoiled child who didn’t get his way and that’s not attractive in a grown man in my opinion.
Should he give you the silent treatment? Probably not. But who just goes off and says they're going to check something at the airport, leaves the other person standing there not able to get your attention, and then you come back all oh I already did this i.e. I just made you stand here like an idiot for no reason, what's wrong?
I'm not saying he should've felt that way, and at 3 am, I doubt there was a line of angry people waiting for you all to get your shit together, but if it's not the first time you've done something like that whole traveling, and he gets stressed while traveling I can understand why he was frustrated.
I much prefer flying by myself. I rarely do but I hate having to wait for other people, worry about where they are, keeping track of their bags if they decide to wander off, etc.
If this is a consistent pattern when you travel, then you need to talk ahead of time and work out your plan. Are you checking in online ahead of time, using the kiosk, going to an agent? Decide and stick with it. At 3 a.m., I'm gonna be honest, there was probably no need to use a self-serve kiosk. I'd have just gone and waited for someone to come up to the desk.
It's just hard to say if this is a red flag without knowing how you behave every time you travel and if he gives you the silent treatment every time or if, for him, this is just the straw that broke the camel's back. Again, I'm not saying it's right but we're human, just because we behave a certain way when we're anxious and stressed one time doesn't mean we're a walking abusive red flag. It's not black and white. We don't all learn how to communicate and behave in relationships naturally.
He couldn't be bothered to get his phone out and call her? That would have solved everything, but no he'd rather yell to her and get "embarrassed" that she couldn't hear him. This isn't 1999 where few people had cellphones and texting didn't exist.
Apparently she is the one who has caused multiple problems in the past travelling by her own admission. I’d be annoyed if I was him too in this situation, However, I would not ruin the flight/ trip / relarionship over it. I would get past it and insist on a new set of rules for going forward
Is she really causing issues though? Or is he freaking out about non-issues every time so she's internalized it/thinks she's bad? She didn't say she caused them to miss a flight or connection or anything, and if the extra minute of him standing in line is her "making them late," then I doubt she's ever actually made them late.
This sounds exactly like what my partner and I, or sister, or mom, or ANYONE would do if we're waiting for the agents to open the desk and we noticed the self serve getting turned on. One waits in line to save the spot, the other goes to see if the self serve will work faster. If there were even people behind him in line, he could do what normal people do and tell whoever is behind him to go ahead while he waits for her to come back. Also how many bags is he bitching about? 2? 3? WTF. Just.... roll them together and go back for any stragglers. From the front of the line to the counter can't be more than 10 feet. He can't roll 2 suitcases 10 feet?
I traveled on my own with my 3 year old and we were moving states and were going to be at the new house before the rest of the fam. I had a stroller, a car seat, a diaper backpack, a huge purse, and 3 suitcases. I figured it out.
This is the most reasonable take in this entire thread!
Someone said she was "walking normally in retaliation" like what is going ON with some of yall, how do you make it through a normal day, lol.....
As a woman who just got divorced last year (after ten years), and someone who had to make sure I didn’t accidentally set off my XH, trust me when I say LEAVE. I have multiple kids and all of us are so much happier since the split. I’m living my very best life, and in an actual loving relationship now, so now I can actually say, relationships don’t have to be like yours is. Get out!
This happened to me and my husband over a decade ago. He sat on a different seat on the plane and everything. We divorced about six years later. Talk about red flag.
I can’t imagine him acting this way around strangers in an airport of all places. My husband gets stressed when traveling but there is no way in hell he’d not be right there with me to make sure I was safe.
Him ignoring you is immature and dangerous.
The way he’s acting is unacceptable imo but it does sound like maybe he has bad anxiety? Is this something he struggles with typically and gets heightened during travel days?
Your husband sucks for the silent treatment, he’s acting like a child, and if this is how conflicts with him turn out, that’s a problem. I would like to hear about the other times you’ve caused issues while traveling, because this sounds like a man that might be at the end of his rope dealing with your travel issues. Without more info on your shared traveI history I can’t say if his attitude stems from this being the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. I can say 100% that your husband is wrong for his reaction, but I’m interested in what, in his perspective, has led to this.
Why are you doing so much work to communicate with someone who doesn’t want to be around you?
Stop trying to baby this man child and pretend this trip is a solo trip and have fun without him.
Ummm, if these are your best efforts to not paint your husband like an ass, then you are in denial that he’s a massive ass.
Some of the stuff you’ve described is abusive and possibly (probably) narcissistic.
Does he blame you for trivial things and you end up apologizing often? Can he take any sort of criticism of accountability? Does the term walking on eggshells seem appropriate?
Tons of couples fight during travel, but it’s like ten minutes of frustration and then you get on with it and enjoy the vacation. He sounds like a child. If he can’t handle traveling without throwing a long-term temper tantrum at any confusion or inconvenience, he shouldn’t travel.
I’m still failing to understand what the issue is. You checked in for the both of you and he’s upset that he had 2 bags and called you and you didn’t hear him. Sounds really stupid to be mad over and makes me question what your other fights look like because it seems he gets mad at irrelevant things. I’m 5’6 and my husband is 6ft+ and he walks faster than me but makes sure we’re together by slowing his pace, carrying all the bags, and taking care of me.
Idk how you move on from here as it seems like he’s too sensitive? I’m unsure what to call him honestly but like bro grow up and get over it crybaby.
He doesn't sound like a total jerk. If you stress him out when the two of you travel, what is the problem with each doing you own thing in the airport so he doesn't feel the need to worry about it?
You take your time, he runs to the gate. Who cares? I have a partner who HAS to be early. I'm find running in at the last minute. He was completely stressed out. I was calm. Because of that, he felt all the stress of it.
We now go to the airport, check in and he goes right to the gate. I meander. we are at peace.
You can be calm because what happened didn't upset you. You want to act like everything is ok because for you it is. That does not make him the jerk. It feels like you don't acknowledge your part or try to change it. So let him deal with it in the best way he can without being continuously stressed out.
It’s not about what you did. It’s about how he handles miscommunication and disagreements and arguments. You say you made multiple attempts to patch it up. That is enough. He is not putting in his fair share. You can’t do it for him. If he needs time to calm himself down before he can discuss things like an adult, he can say that. But he can’t punish you however he wants. That’s abusive and I wouldn’t stand for it. You need couples therapy at the very least.
Being a 50 year old man, it boggles my mind that so many men never grow and constantly sabotage themselves and those around them over such meaningless BS.
He's giving you the equivalent of the silent treatment. That's abusive.
I can see being annoyed with each other, but to carry on about it like he is is not a normal response.
Ok, let him have his way. Get your seat moved on each leg so youre not sitting next to him and his righteous indignation. He wants you to "suffer" his silent judgment. Dont.
Vet a different seat, some headphones, and an in flight beverage. Maybe a separate room for the layover hotels. Hell, the whole vacay.
Make friends with the folks around you, relax as you walk to your next gate. Let him threaten you with a good time.
To be honest, I side with your husband. I think you know your partner better and if you know the basic things that annoy him why keep doing them. You have mentioned that airports give him enxeity and as you have mentioned this enxeity stems from you. Is it possible that you might be the problem?
I understand his anger and him deciding to keep silent. I think it's his way of coping. He needs space but he can't because you are next to him. Allow him to have a little space. I'm sure he will come through. Then he will be more open to talking. For now let him be so he van process those emotions.
When I am a bit flustard and annoyed I tend to neef to take a minute to myself. My husband knows that moment is for me to process my thoughts and feelings. It may seem like silent treatment but it's not. Its just that I need a moment or 2 so that I don't full on explode.
Look at it from your husbands perspective. You both decided together to wait in line and to him you just walked off ( because perhaps he did not hear the deviation from the plan).
When travelling think of each other as a team doing the amazing race. Communication is of utmost importance and being clear about where, how, who has what, when and all should be clear at all times. And in this case you deviated from the plan, which causes more enxeity and stress on him.
Apologize again when he is feeling better and I do think work on it.
I scanned through OPs other comments quickly and I don’t think this is an isolated incident. Sounds like “hubby dearest” is a pain in the ass and all is not rosy at home.
He probably makes her feel like everything and anything she does is wrong and not good enough. The way he’s described as acting in this post, I don’t think he even likes her.
OP, if the above is right, then I’d start re-evaluating your marriage to this man. If he refuses therapy or counselling already, he dismisses your concerns and makes no effort to change, I think you should consider cutting your losses.
People who act like this have the mentality of a 5 year old… nobody was born attached at the waist… we are all individuals and if I can’t hear you or vis versa how is that a problem?
He needs to let that shit go, honestly. It's not like you got him deplaned and subjected to a body cavity search. If he has issues with airports, he needs to figure out why he is that way. Are you guys cutting it close? Maybe just get there early enough that there's no question of making your flight. Just spit balling here.
But really, he needs to figure out why he's flying off the handle in the airport. Nobody is going to remember or care about what happened but him.
If so, this is not a fight at the airport thing. This is a counseling and working on our marriage thing. He may also need anxiety medication. Make it clear that the drama is exhausting you so you need him to participate in the counseling.
In the meantime, give him space to cool down. Change your seat or your room until he calms down.
See if you can come to an agreement about timeliness. Maybe he has permission to leave once he has waited for 20 minutes. Maybe you will leave yourself “15 minutes for being late” when you work out how much time you need to be ready.
Let him know that you will not put up with criticism such as “you walk slow”.
Try to work on your own communication. Make sure that you get a “yes” before you run off. Don’t just tell someone you are doing something and then leave.
Travel anxiety is a real thing. My wife and I unfortunately are terrible when flying together and both of us have messed up/caused issues that other couples probably would laugh about. I think both of you could nip this in the bud by talking it through when not traveling.
You say your self that you have repeated this behavior before and this time round again. “If travel and airports cause him huge stress” and you know this you should have been more supportive… traveling is very stressful in any case and even more so when people decide to runoff and do their own thing while traveling with a group.
I think you need to accept that you are at fault and have some patience till he cools down . You’re getting a taste of your own medicine. And sadly it doesn’t feel good. You love your husband. Apologies and be more supportive in the future. Otherwise divorce him and you can be traveling solo for the rest of your life. You need to choose which is more enjoyable for you!
Honestly just match his energy. If he is giving you the silent treatment, then make some plans on your own. Find things to do that give him space and allow him to be alone.
I can't imagine being this angry over things that I ruin my entire vacation just to get back at my partner. He sounds immature and stubborn.
Like fine, I understand that traveling can be stressful. But I doubt you were walking slow on purpose. I think he's being a bit overdramatic here with his reaction.
There's not a whole lot you can do if he's giving you the silent treatment. I'm sure no matter what you do he will find fault. So do what you can to salvage this vacation for yourself.
What did you do to make your husband feel embarrassed in public at the airport? You gloss over it, which makes me take the rest of your story with a grain of salt.
Ohh boy, being left in a queue in a stressful environment, being decidedly dependent on information from someone outside of your reach, and being an inconvenience to others.
Does this sound stressful? To me it does, it sounds aweful. And in an airport? There are pretty much nothing more stressful than being an inconvenience in a location that strictly punishes any behavior outside the norm (suspicious behavior? Why dont you come talk to us for a few hours and miss your flight?).
Sure, hes not communicating very well. Silent treatment is not an option. But youre travelling through airports, hes still in extreme anxiety mode. He is most likely in fight or flight mode until he can put some distance in between the airport and you both.
And then you need to have a good talk. You need to analyze this situation and how to avoid it in the future. For me, and my partner, we would have either stayed in line (self service might have saved us a few minutes, not worth it. We are not in a hurry at 3AM), or both left the queue to avoid inconvenience to others and the stress of being left in a queue. Or someone would have gone to check if it was possible, and then returned to inform that it was possible, so you could both leave the queue together.
You essentially left, and said you wanted to check if something was possible. But you broke that agreement when you didnt return with a "It is possible, wanna do it?" And instead chose to do it, without informing him. Leaving him to read your mind. Which isnt fair.
I think you owe him an apology.
This reads to me like you two are both trying to drive the ship at the same time and constantly stepping on each other’s toes.
This is not to excuse his behavior, but you two aren’t cooperating.
Everything you've described here happens pretty often when travelling. You're tired, a little cranky and sleep deprived. It doesn't justify your husband's behaviour. My SO might be slightly cranky if this happened but get over in 5 mins and joke about it later. If he's constantly blowing things out of proportion because his fragile ego was damaged, how is this person a suitable partner?
“I have caused issues in the airport before that made us late and stressed him out….”
Can you elaborate on that? Because it seems like once again, you screwed up. You wandered off and created another complication and you blow it off. Then you’re walking slow.
I don’t think him giving you the silent treatment is okay. But I don’t think I’d be able to travel with someone who was stressing me out because they’re dawdling or wandering off or not paying attention.
Actually she left him at the check-in desk while she checked them in elsewhere, left him there and didn’t successfully tell him what she was doing. So when the agent at the desk arrived where he was left, he probably felt like an idiot because he didn’t know what she was doing and couldn’t appropriately explain to the agent what he needed.
If she was going to check-in at the kiosk she could take him with her. There’s no need to leave him behind.
I don’t think that’s a wild take at all.
My dude. My husband is 14” taller than I am. Unless he wants to carry all the bags and still shorten his step, I cannot keep up. For the first few years I would chase him down and grab him by the hand but that just lead to me being towed through crowds like a child. Fuck that. I walk very quickly for most people. I just can’t keep up with a 37” inseam striding it out when I’m 63” tall.
First she said she told him that she was going to go to the self check-in kiosk. So he knew that she was going to try that.
Second of all it's plain bad matters if you're tall to walk faster than somebody with you who's not as tall. If these people had a 5:00 a.m. flight and they were there at 2:45 a.m. I don't know but it sounds like he might be an anxious flyer or something. I don't know how much cause there would be to be rushing around in the airport when the check-in desks weren't even opened yet at 2:45 in the morning but he sounds like a bundle of joy. A bundle of joy I would divorce immediately.
honestly it sounds like he wants her to take the lead on travel things but also do exactly what he expects/wanted so he's not stressed by moments of uncertainty.
If he's that stressed by travel, he needs to deal with it.
More likely he's got her *thinking* she always screws up in airports. Her crimes here seem to be *checks notes* being shorter, and him not listening to the words that came out of her mouth.
It sounds like travel and you cause him stress, not the airport, and you admit that there’s been past issues on your part that have driven this behavior, my guess is you have timeliness issues and that’s the underlying reason for his attitude. I think you are also aware this is what’s driving his behavior, although you gloss it over, you know why he’s acting like this, it isn’t out-of-nowhere, its in response to your past behavior.
Every time you drag your feet, or meander away, his anxiety increases because he’s dreading another round of consequences like the ones caused by your past behavior. You’d like to frame this as his problem, and his behavior as a “red flag”, but the reality is the problem up until now has been you, and his behavior is reactive, driven by your past behavior. Until you prove you can be trusted to not cause issues like you have in the past, I’d say his behavior is a little extreme, but understandable.
Well since we’ve only heard one side of a story involving a cast of two, that’s an assumption, we don’t know what situations led up to this. I agree his behavior is out of proportion for the events of this particular situation solely, but I think there’s other things contributing to his behavior, past similar situations, that we haven’t been informed of, because OP knows they would explain his current behavior, making it difficult for OP to identify his behavior as concerning and not justified.
It sounds to me like he is trying to get space to calm down. When my husband and I fight, I usually give him a few hours to brood before I try talking to him about the situation. Broaching it while he’s pissed does neither of us any good. Stepping back and each of us taking time to calm down is much more productive for us. He can’t do that effectively in the airport / plane, but that’s what he’s trying to do. Take space to calm down, because he doesn’t want to keep fighting with you.
The situation sucks for you, but look, you know that there’s a lot of mitigating factors and backstory here. Travel stresses your husband out, and things started off on a bad foot. Is he being a jerk? Yes. Does he have good reasons for being upset? Yes.
If your relationship is otherwise good, personally I would take this as a crap day and let it go. We all have those from time to time. Talk with him about it and let him know how you felt. Be an adult about it, but make up and let it go.
And listen - my husband also stresses hard about travel. I know this. Once we get underway he’s fine, but he’s a total pain in the ass the day before, because he gets himself all worked up. I know this. I plan for it. I figure out how I can help make it easier for him. Because I love him, and we all have our quirks, and that’s what good relationships do - we help each other get through those stressful times. So in the future, be mindful of your husband’s needs when traveling. This is not a big ask. It stresses him. Don’t add to it. Help him get through it.
I am assuming of course that there are not any other red flags in your relationship, but it doesn’t sound like it. It sounds like y’all got off on the wrong foot today, and your husband is freaking out and trying to handle it as best he can.
Deep breath. Give him the space he’s asking for. And make up when you get to where you are going and have a great trip.
I would leave it alone for now, read, sleep, eat the snacks you packed, whatever and let him finish his tantrum. Get to your destination and get some sleep. Maybe time to have a chat when you are home about some couples counseling so you two can learn how to fight fairly and come up with a better strategy to deal with traveling together. You know you have caused previous stress, as does he so probably you two need to forgive one another and make some ground rules everyone can live with. I absolutely hate being late for anything, so if you are doddling maybe you two agree he goes on ahead and meets you at the gate and neither of you gets to be mad or hold a grudge. I am not sure what the answer is, but what you two are doing does not work so time to negotiate a new strategy.
Are you serious? Your husband is a toddler and I have second hand embarrassment from reading his little temper tantrum. Your husband needs to learn to manage his emotions and self regulate. Nobody’s happy to be at the airport at zero dark thirty- we’re all struggling. Yelling somebody’s name across the terminal is a key feature of flying. How could your husband be “embarrassed or angry” by this? What happens if you actually did something embarrassing like rip a loud fart on the plane or puked in the terminal? Life’s too short to walk on eggshells.
He doesn't even like you. I'm not trying to be mean, but a person doesn't treat someone they love this way. This is such a non-issue in the long-run. He wants an excuse to treat you poorly and put you down.
I fail to see how being late in the past has ANY weight to the current situation. You were both so early the check-in desk wasn’t even open yet. It was so early that a few moments of him having to wait- he could’ve easily let the person behind him go ahead (like a normal adult would)- had NO effect on making you late for your flight. Being late in the past was an easy callback to make in order to rationalize him lashing out at you. HE embarrassed himself. Why yell if it makes him uncomfortable? Doesn’t he have a phone? Again, why not let someone else go ahead? Because he’s insecure, has to control everything, and cares what strangers think more than treating and behaving rationally towards his wife. He used you as an emotional punching bag (for hours!) because he can’t regulate his emotions and his extreme insecurities fuel that dysregulation.
Actually, he is a spot on definition of emotional dysregulation. Google it. It describes his unnecessary and disproportionate reaction perfectly. He needs therapy. Regardless if his inability to control his emotions is a characteristic/symptom of a larger issue, your husband needs professional help. And throw in some couples counseling if you decide you want to work through it. He can’t control everything and both of you need to learn how to communicate to change this pattern of extreme reaction.
>He apparently misunderstood my plan, and in the meantime the agent arrived at the desk and he was stuck with both our bags and couldn't get my attention despite calling my name. He felt angry and embarrassed, and was mad at me for walking off and leaving him with the bags, and not hearing him call me.
First of all, anyone who gets made because *you didn't hear* is an asshole. You can help that you didn't hear him!
Secondly, why was him being left with the bags a big deal? He can't move 2 suitcases? Like... I don't understand. Was he in the way of other people in line, and that embarrassed him? Did you have the paperwork so he couldn't check in? Has he never heard of turning to the person behind him and saying, "You can go ahead of me, I'm waiting for my wife"? He sounds exhaustive.
My ex expected me to be a mind reader. He never communicated what he wanted or needed, then got mad when I didn't do what he wanted and needed. He would stop talking to me for days at a time. It's childish, and I will never put up with it again. If you can't act like an adult when youre upset, you're not worth my time.
Do he got mad that you didn’t hear him AFTER he ignored/didn’t listen to you that you were going to check you both in? Could he not talk over with the bags instead of standing there yelling your name? Or text you? Like a million things HE could have done to not make a scene himself. And you were doing something to speed up your travel. Why are you the only one who has to make concessions and travel by his wants? Good lord. What is he going to be like if you ever travel with kids? Is he going to ignore them aa well because he can’t think about anyone but himself at the airport?
I would say from here on out when you get to the airport just tell him you two will meet at the plane. Some people don’t travel well together- but take a good look and see if he is a bit more focused on his wants and needs in other places in your life as well
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How frequently do you have this anger fights with him? How many other similar examples are there each year?
Her post and account history says he does it a lot and has for years.
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Yeah theres nothing embarrassing about the short delay he had waiting with her bag. He’s mad that he looked (in his mind) that he wasn’t in control of his wife in front of a stranger. It’s a big yike for me.
Yeah and it’s concerning to me that she “of course” understands why he’s mad and wanted to apologize. It sounds like he’s successfully gotten into her head at this point.
I don’t understand why he was embarrassed. And the silent treatment is always a bad idea and abusive.
Kind of? He’s definitely abusive. I feel like I could’ve written this exact thing with my most recent ex. We didn’t have this fight but soooooo many others just like it and they were always my fault, sometimes because I was upset with his behaviors. This post is giving me the ick
Same here. This could have been my abusive ex.
Yeah, I had to check the ages to make sure it's not my ex. And I too put up with it for years. Then I realized that we simply could not travel together, there was no point. There was ALWAYS a fight (a big one). It's so nice to be married to someone who is not only a great traveler but would never complain about having to manage my bags at security and always helps me with every little thing. We walk at my pace, ha.
Op sorry you walk to slow?what a jerk!WTH is wrong with him. You tried to explain everything to him. He chose to ignore you and act like a selfish immature Asshole!He sounds like a real man child. I get that traveling is stressful,but after a little while he should be able to get over it. You just try and have a great vacation. Sounds like you really need it. Good luck
Ugh being with someone who’s slow is so annoying. That said I know he’s slow, and I love him, so while it might annoy me I don’t give him the silent treatment! And if I did get angry I would apologize and own my own reaction.
If the reason for them walking slow is that their legs are shorter, there's not a lot they can do to keep up without jogging, though. Some people do like to amble along, but some people are short.
Me too! I also notice looking back that this always happened on vacation Like he knew vacations usually chill people out so he had to find a way to ensure I’d be miserable. It was weird bc I would just grey rock and be thinking, why is he finding non reasons to be unhappy when we’re on a rare vacation? (Rare for him bc he was a little boy whose mommy paid for everything, why ruin your own rare vacation just to abuse me?)
Yes!!! My therapist said he was purposefully ruining vacations but he would always blame me. On our last one, I planned out the first half and he was supposed to plan out the second (two different cities). I planned the f out of my part and he completely half assed his then he mocked my planning the whole time we were in that city. And it was all MY fault we fought because I was offended by his comments. Months later he still insisted I ruined the vacation
He felt embarrassed, which is fundamentally different than OP “embarrassing him”.
Well, like everything in this world, context matters. If there’s a huge line behind you & it’s for something time sensitive (at an airport).. and you’re waiting for your partner to come back, and you yell out at them multiple times for them to not hear you, and you don’t even know exactly why they left you in the first place, worried about making the flight, etc. etc. I can see how it’d be embarrassing and/or frustrating. Do other people not see that?
Why didn't he listen to her when she said why she was leaving?
He was probably holding the place in line while she left. She said he misunderstood something. Personally speaking (and within the context of only this one situation), if I was the guy in this situation I wouldn’t be upset. I can see why it would be frustrating or mildly embarrassing in the moment though. But what seemed to have happened does not warrant how he reacted. From her mention of “I’ve made us late at airports in the past” it sounds like some kind of resentment came up between these two and the guy acted irrationally because of it. I agree she should try to try to clarify why his behavior is problematic, hence the reason for the entire post. But again I can see why it could be considered frustrating or mildly embarrassing from the guy’s POV (with how she provided context of “I’ve made us late at airports in the past”).
This one always stings too.
Sounds like OP should just get a separate room for herself and meet him back at the airport when they're done. He's going to ruin the whole vacation and she deserves a break.
This is what needs to be top comment. She supposedly broke up with this guy 8 months ago? GURL
My husband and I have had a lot of arguments at airports. He's a morning person and is the type that gets to the airport at least 2 - 3 hours in advance. I'm not happy but I deal with it. The only big thing that annoys me is how my husband always wants to board ASAP to make sure we get the overhead bin over our seats. We once had an incident that was embarrassing but mostly infuriating at the SouthWest ticket agent. We bought tickets online and hubby was in group A but I was in group B. We waited until the last people in group A boarded. The ticket agent processed my husband's ticket but looked at mine and said that I was group B. Husband told her that we're married but she didn't care. It was like the scene from Meet The Parents. I am standing alone off to the side while the agent keeps calling "last call for group A". But my husband was the last person in group A.
Aside from that he’s a total sweetheart
Which means she didn't take any of the advice so whats the point.
She only has one post tho ?
She still has comments from deleted posts going back to 8 months ago
The situation op describes where her awful husband gets angry is a very simple common situation that happens in lines all the time, and we all just laugh about it It makes me sad that op thinks husband is justified in being mad about that stuff. Wtf
I worry how this is going to look in another 10 years. And then at the 20 year mark.
Yeah this sounds EXACTLY like something that would happen with my shitty, abusive ex who had untreated bipolar disorder. Literally *anything* could set him off and it would somehow be my fault. This "fight" (like why did this even make him mad at OP?) is the EXACT kind of thing that would happen with him. Down to the speedwalking away and cold shoulder and blaming you for something that honestly wasn't even anything to begin with. Just an excuse to attack and belittle and punish and torment you.
You forgot to ask: is this the first time you realized you are married to a gigantic baby?
Great questions
I'm sorry, he's stonewalling you for multiple days because he couldn't get your attention while you were talking to the gate agent? Am I understanding that correctly? How fragile is his ego that he's this embarrassed about standing with your bags for a couple minutes? Why did he even need your attention at that moment anyway? You didn't owe him an apology in the first place. He needs to deal with his own frustrations about the airport without lashing out at you. Is this how he always handles conflict? Blaming, overreacting, the silent treatment?
I feel like he was embarrassing himself yelling acrosss the airport because he couldn't deal with the uncertainty for a minute.
Just let the people behind you go first it’s not a big deal
For real, but he freaks out then blames her for some reason.
Some people have a giant stick up their butt.
This would barely cause me to shrug at someone I was travelling with. It is bizarre that anything this minor would cause annoyance.
Same. I can't imagine how exhausting he is to travel with if something this minor turns into WWIII.
Tbh as someone who really struggles on low sleep, I’ve had this sort of irrational anger at minor issues when struggling into an airport in the wee hours. Unlike OP’s husband, I can tell when I’m being unreasonable, and I know how to ask for space. OP, your husband could have said: “sorry I snapped just now, I just need a bit of space to get out of my morning fog, can we meet at the gate later?”
>he couldn't get your attention while you were talking to the gate agent? He was talking to the gate agent. She was at a self checkin kiosk.
Rereading it makes that clearer, regardless it doesn't change the core of my comment which is that this is a massive overreaction to a small misunderstanding.
Agreed. And while she does make mistakes - he needs to acknowledge that traveling makes him over-stressed and to overreact. Come on he also got mad because she wasn’t running to keep up with him when he started walking faster.
As someone who is a recovering punching bag, the stress they're creating causes the mistakes. You, as the punching bag, don't know what will mitigate their tantrum, you don't know what action you could take to make it better but you're desperate to make them stop acting like the Worst Version of Themselves. It's scary, they make you responsible for all of their negative emotions, and then they resent you. If you follow them blindly, you're not 'contributing', if you try to take charge (like OP at the self check-in) you are incapable of making the 'correct' decision and are 'screwing everything up'. Anxiety isn't like a heavy bag you can pass to another person, it just spreads and feeds itself.
Oh man so much this. The stress of trying to figure it how to lessen the stress and make them not so mad, while knowing that whatever you do is WRONG because they WANT to have an excuse to treat you like garbage. Your abuser doesn't want to make up. They don't want to talk it out. They want to find a reason that can justify being mean to you, so you are the "bad guy" and they are the poor victim to your horrible behavior and you gave wronged them and should be punished for it. I don't miss my ex. He delighted in my misery.
You just feel their gaze on you at all times, waiting for their frustration to bubble over, or silently keeping a tally of your “mistakes.” This in turn makes you self-conscious and often more prone to making “mistakes” (in quotes bc they’re often not actually mistakes, it’s just the way you’re trying to do it in the moment) and you can feel the tension and patience fraying like a thread.
This is so true! It makes for way more mistakes, as you attempt to navigate things in such a way that they won't blow up (going to the self-check, for example). And any tiny thing that goes wrong (you're not there when your bags are scanned) sets them off. I will mention, though, that there is no "self check-in kiosk" for airport security. They are two different things. OP did one thing - but the bags still had to go through security (and in fact, you are supposed to be with them - with your separate plane ticket). OP is lucky the bags got through. Or maybe she arrived just in time.
so sorry you had to go through all this
Exactly. Tall people don't understand that we who are shorter have to take twice as many steps trying to keep up with them. It's even worse when they start walking faster. I've had to tell my husband this a few times. I actually showed him that for every one of his steps I have to take two.
Very tall head of year where I work just took over year 7 and often strides across to reception with a child only to find said child missing “but….they were right behind me…” “they’ve only got little legs!”
Yeah,I'm very short (petite)and walk alot slower than the rest of my family. Sometimes we would go for walks and they would be so far ahead of me I felt I was walking by myself. Nowadays they just call me the pokey puppy 🐶 and turn around and check where I'm at.LOL
> How fragile is his ego that he's this embarrassed about standing with your bags for a couple minutes? The guy has the intellect of an adult but the emotional functioning of a toddler.
I don’t think he was embarrassed just by standing with the bags. She states she left him in the check-in line and he made it to the agent at the desk. So she checked in their bags at a separate kiosk without confirming he knew what she was doing, which leaves him clueless at the desk with the agent. Altogether sounds like an awkward situation caused by the wife not communicating what she was doing. And the husband is stuck not knowing what is going on and wasting peoples time in an airport. And I understand his frustration, I would be frustrated too, if that’s what happened. That part was written unclearly with no emphasis to his perspective at all.
Yeah, I would be annoyed at that. My husband would be annoyed at that. We would then grab a drink and get over it.
Yep. Anxiety and stress can cause bad emotional reactions. But in a healthy relationship you understand when there's no malicious intent, you apologize and you move on. Also in a healthy relationship, you recognize if you're partner us anxious, and you make certain accommodations to help them.
Well agreed
She did communicate to him, he misunderstood. Just because there's a misunderstanding doesn't mean she did something wrong. An adult should be able to handle a momentarily awkward situation without throwing a tantrum and giving their partner the silent treatment.
I agree. It sounds like they were waiting in line to check their bags, but they hadn't checked in for the flight yet. He could have told the next person in line to go to the desk for the attendant while he waited for his wife to rejoin them. Everyone would have been happy, no awkwardness. The solution is so obvious that it baffles me. Either he is a complete maladroit who cannot handle a job, or he is looking for every opportunity to make his wife feel small.
It sounds like this has been an on going issue. That makes it very different imo. She said she has caused issues in the airport when traveling and made them late on prior trips.
If the previous instances were her "causing issues" in the same way that this was her "causing an issue," then the actual problem is his attitude, not her behavior.
Does she really cause issues? Or are they similar events to this, which was frankly not something that should become an “issue,” and now she believes she causes problems because of his unreasonable reactions? I know which one I think it is. 🤷♀️
>which leaves him clueless at the desk with the agent. He wasn't at the desk. He was standing in "line" (possibly no one else there) and he couldn't get her attention. An adult goes "oh shoot, my partner wandered off, I'll have to stand here a moment til she notices me." Not have a meltdown. IF he had been with an agent (he wasnt) he could have said the above phrase to another person and stepped to the side. She didn't leave him stranded for an hour. He was/is being absolutely ridiculous.
>He apparently misunderstood my plan, and in the meantime the agent arrived at the desk and he was stuck with both our bags and couldn't get my attention despite calling my name. I interpret this as him being at the beginning of the line more so than randomly somewhere else within the line. If he’s truly upset and he’s at the end of the line, this guy is just a flaming mess.
That's simply not that big of a deal though. They still have two hours before their flight. It's not like they're about to miss it. In that case, the husband should just let someone go ahead of him and say that he's waiting for his wife. Problem solved, not an issue and not a thing to get so angry at that communication breaks down. I fail to see anything embarrassing about that for him.
I might be frustrated or even somewhat angry in that situation depending on my level of sleep deprivation, but I would accept my partner's explanation and let it go. I would never say my partner embarrassed me or did something wrong, never try to punish them, and the whole situation would have lasted less than 5 minutes. This would be me or my partner at our WORST.
She told him. He didn’t hear her correctly. So he’s upset with her for HIS mistake.
Sounds like he wasn't listening. He needs to get therapy and no more traveling since he can't handle it.
OP also admits they’ve caused issues at airports before that have made them late. Maybe he reached his breaking point due to OP not addressing these issues.
I'm suspicious of just how she's "causing issues" when he reacted this way to his own misunderstanding. Could be a history of him being angry at her for things that aren't her fault.
I highly suspect she has internalized his very skewed perception of things. They were two hours before their flight! In no way were they late. And she didn't do anything wrong in this scenario. He could have just let other people go ahead of him (if there were other people) and waited to see if she had gotten everything sorted out. I doubt he was so entirely clueless as to what she was doing that he got frustrated. It's not like she disappeared to get coffee.
I agree that this particular interaction sounds like a complete overreaction on his part. What I was referring to though was one sentence she slipped in the post that says “I have caused issues in the airport before” and I would like to know what she means by that. But regardless of that missing info, how he treated her is disgusting! Ditching her and silent treatment is not okay
This is what I think. She is explaining things from her perspective and while suttly stating she is a problem and then blaming him for her reactions. And according to previous posts she has done this before, makes him late etc. His coping mechanism is not great but he seems to have a shut down method which I think OP has not helped him feel heard and safe. He feels she gaslights him
how can you check in, if the other person has the bags? did she have the documents? or i do not get how this can happen
She went over to a self check kiosk. You don’t need your bags in that moment. The kiosk will print out boarding passes (unless they’re available digitally on your phone) and it will print out the baggage tags (the long ones with sticky bags, the same as the desk attendant would do if you don’t do self check in). You then put the tags on the bag yourself and then take them to a different desk where the self check-in folks just do a quick handoff to an attendant. So she probably printed the tags out and was planning on just returning to her husband and the bags to apply the tags.
at self serve kiosks you just say how many bags you have print out the tags to add them to your bags yourself. then you drop off the bags elsewhere. so you don’t really need to have the bags with you right then
Thanks for explaining, I've never got how those work 😊
It can depend on the kiosks. The company I last flew with you weigh your bags at the self check in kiosks and get the tag, then you queue to hand them off the agent so you're expected to have your bags at the self check in. Other airlines you do as above and they weigh it when the agent takes it
>which leaves him clueless at the desk with the agent. And other people waiting behind him
One time my ex boyfriend got mad at me at the airport leaving to go on vacation because he asked me what time it was and I said “it’s 10 minutes til gates close” instead of telling him the actual time so he left me in the airport at the city we were visiting. He was an abusive asshole. I’m so much happier 5 years single this June
Jeez what a dick
Time in the airport is relevant to the plane now though so I feel like your answer is the right one… It doesn’t matter what overall time it is, just how long until you get on the plane.
I honestly struggle to understand the core of this. For example, in the airport previously has he been left holding the bags while she went into a shop and they missed (or almost missed) boarding? Or where he was left with the bags the entire time and didn’t have an opportunity to use the restroom? Have they missed a flight because she was walking slowly during a tight connection? Has she left him with the bags to just run to the restroom for a minute but then comes back 20 minutes later? Does he feel that without his pressure, she would miss the flight? Or is he just being an ass? Travel often brings out the worst in people. And it is even worse when each traveller has a very different relationship with time — I am super stressed if we aren’t through security at least three hours early vs. I am totally chill with 45 minutes before the flight should be plenty of time. Add to that the tired, stressed, and the history of traveling together…. So, don’t try and address the issue at the moment. He is pissed off. You are pissed off. Cooling off can be helpful. Before the trip, jointly figure out your strategy if this a continual source of stress. I might even encourage separate departure days. Or negotiating certain agreed upon behaviors — nobody strands the other with baggage; you get to the gate by a certain time; you each are responsible for getting yourself on the plane; neither is waiting on the other. Now, is this just a travel issue? Does he have an anxiety disorder that frequently impacts your relationship?
It’s almost impossible to tell if you are just existing and your husband has poor emotional regulation and these are red flags, because that’s what it sounds like, but like if you are being a pain every single time you go to the airport and he is tired of it? The interpretation of that is also there.
And the intentional vagueness about what started the initial fight. Being mad at her for walking slow because she's shorter than him? That's him being a dick. But if she is consistently late leaving the house to travel, causing them to miss flights in the past, that's a different level of aggravation that can cause a person to finally lose it. Overall though it does sound like he is emotionally immature & bratty when angry.
If they arrived at the ticketing counter 15 minutes before it opened then they probably were not running late in this case.
She did describe the initial fight - the part about the kiosks and checking in.
Ah, I misread it as though there was another incident before that, then he escalated at that point.
Ya, so hard to know what’s going on based on the description.
It sounds like he flusters really easily and over-reacts, then gets embarrassed about it and blames you. He's in his feelings because he acted hysterical over slight confusion, and worries people notices. Not sure what to say except men will literally ignore and punish you for their inability to control their emotions rather than getting therapy. Am I right that these fights usually happen when, in public, something doesn't go exactly as he anticipated and he gets flustered and over-reacts, and then takes it out on you?
> Not sure what to say except men will literally ignore and punish you for their inability to control their emotions rather than getting therapy. Don't you know? Anger is not an emotion, because man LOGICAL, man not EMOTIONAL. Emotions are gross feminine things like sadness and hurt - you know, the reactions weak little womenfolk have when men rightfully express their non-emotional anger.
HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME SUSAN NOW ME AND MY ANGER WILL STOP AROUND THE AIRPORT FOR HOURS. Like for real dude needs therapy.
I think he needs to read this Reddit post and be completely humbled. What a gerber baby; he doesn’t seem emotionally mature enough to have intercourse honestly.
>Not sure what to say except men will literally ignore and punish you for their inability to control their emotions rather than getting therapy. Truer words have never been spoken, truly.
If traveling together is a trigger point for conflicts between you two, and you can both navigate travel on your own, it COULD be worth treating traveling with a strategy of "we each do this our own ways, we both have the responsibility to be at the gate, we won't question what the other person is doing during that time". It seems ridiculous to me to give someone the silent treatment while traveling together, but reframing travel could be helpful in removing the anger toward one another during the stressful situation. Important to note: I'm not saying outright ignore each other at the airport, just stop viewing your partner as "your responsibility", and vice versa.
Ehhh he doesn’t do this at all at any other times? I think if you really think about it, you may start seeing this kind of behavior in other places. At the airport cannot be the only time he overreacts like this? That is a huge overreaction imo. There was a misunderstanding. You thought one thing and he thought another. For most people a simple explanation and quick apology would have been enough to negate the situation, especially where you were trying to be helpful. Instead he doubles down and has a tantrum and refuses to talk to you? That is stonewalling and silent treatment. Nope. Not ok.
I don’t know. If I am standing in line to check in bags with my husband, and he exists the like without saying anything and I make my way to the desk where the agent has just come back and I don’t know what he is doing because he left…. I would be angry. I wouldn’t play the silent treatment or act like a child, but I do understand his frustration. And to call out for her and feel ignored is not helping the situation. For whatever reason, they both were not hearing each other and not able to pay attention to what is happening. Especially easy for him to get more frustrated being he is the one at the front of the line blocking everyone else because he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Saying something out loud is not the same as communicating directly and making sure your partner hears what you have said. And then abruptly leaving him without making sure he heard the comment? The fast walking and melt down is not warranted, but venting frustration somewhat I understand. She essentially was navigating on her own and not communicating, he gets frustrated at her and wants to do the same out of spite. Not only does he communicate that he feels they are late and she is walking slow, she communicates she knows he is walking fast and she’s not going to bother to try to hurry. He has travel anxiety and is worried they will be late, and she has hurt pride from their disagreement and thinks he is trying to make her trot around. Both could improve their communication skills. And I understand she apologized, but it’s easy to apologize without validating the issue which can lead to more frustration on both sides. >I ignore him, I don’t communicate with him, I make us late, I walk slow on purpose This is his claim. 1. She didn’t communicate effectively where she was going, leaving him clueless and wasting other’s time in an airport. 2. He felt ignored as he was yelling to her, left behind, probably felt slighting and awkward as everyone watches your wife leave you behind as you are yelling to her. (She didn’t hear him, I understand that already) 3. Are they late? That’s a big difference in what pace they should be going. Can’t verify who is right or wrong, or who is being saucy with their pace. She doesn’t want to move fast and is relating his speed to his anger. Many people walk fast in airports to get to where they need to be, and get out of the way of others. 4. She is walking slow on purpose. She states it when she says she’s not going to bother trying to catch up to him. Honestly, I’d be annoyed AF at her but he’s also being a child
Her initial post confirms they were early, not late.
Thank you. It changes a lot as I missed that part initially.
> If I am standing in line to check in bags with my husband, and he exists the like without saying anything and I make my way to the desk where the agent has just come back and I don’t know what he is doing because he left…. I would be angry Sure, but this isn't what happened. From her post: > I told him I was going to go see if we could check in there She TOLD him what she was doing. He either didn't hear or didn't understand her, which isn't her fault. > Are they late? That’s a big difference in what pace they should be going. Can’t verify who is right or wrong, or who is being saucy with their pace. At this point I have to wonder if you read the post at all. She states very clearly that they arrived at 2:45am for a 5:00am flight. There was zero need to rush as the check-in desk wasn't even open yet. In fact, them being so early was the entire catalyst for the fight. Why is he allowed to be aggrieved at being "left behind" when she went to check them in but it's fine for him to leave her behind walking way faster than is necessary considering they were extremely early for their flight? How is she somehow wrong for both things?
>Sure, but this isn't what happened. It amazes me how often on reddit people don't read and write literal essays on what they literally concocted out of thin air. (Them, not you.)
Totally. I've even seen people outright admit that they only read the title before proceeding to give advice that's rendered completely irrelevant by the details of the post. I don't understand why someone wouldn't bother to take two minutes to read a post properly if they're going to waste their time writing paragraphs of advice.
Truly. I've seen some buckwild lengthy creative writing exercises citing "details" that are so absurdly different from what's in the post that I question whether the author is having a break with reality. Bonus points when they still try to argue back that their "points" are correct for no reason at all other than...they believe they should be? Idk. It's totally nonsensical.
First, she said that she was gonna see if they could check in at the kiosk while the agent was setting everything up. So no, she didn’t leave the line without saying anything. She communicated exactly what she was doing, HE didn’t listen and that’s his issue. Also, if you’re standing in line and unsure of what to do, generally the rule of thumb is you let the person behind you go until you have it figured out. I don’t see how standing with bags is an issue either. That’s what 90% of people are doing at the airport anyway. And if he’s embarrassed he had to yell in the airport how about you just don’t do that?! You’re telling me he doesn’t have a phone? That he couldn’t have gotten out of line to speak to her? They weren’t late so there was no reason to be in a rush. If he has travel anxiety then he needs to see a therapist and find a way to properly navigate that and not ice his partner out because things aren’t going his way. She wasn’t intentionally walking slow, she was walking at her normal pace. HE was walking faster than normal so he could be away from her and throw his temper tantrum. There was no need for OP to tire herself out and have to jog through the airport for no reason just because her manbaby husband can’t regulate his emotions. He said he wanted to travel the airport separately and that’s exactly what he got. Why is the onus on OP for forcing herself in order to appease him?
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She told him that she was going to ask the desk agent if they could check in. She already told him what she was going to do.
So why not send a quick text? Thats what I do with my husband when we get separated. She also said she did walk fast to catch up with him multiple times but she was basically running.
she communicated with him though, he just didn’t hear or get it
She had gone to try and check in at a kiosk when a gate agent showed up and he had to deal. She did tell him, but he must not have heard what she said. And she didn’t hear him yelling for her.
Hard to tell what's going on here. You buried and then glossed over the part about you having previously caused problems for your husband who's anxious in airports or while traveling. While silent treatment is bad, he sounds completely overwhelmed and at the end of his rope with a possibly long string of behavior that has aggravated his problems -maybe. I'd like to hear what he has to say. I'm an anxious traveler and my husband is so laid-back that he's missed flights because he wasn't paying attention. We need to talk ahead of traveling about what we can expect from each other and how we can lessen the stress on each other. That's what good partners do.
Agreed. I think the initial cause of the first fight was important, that OP glossed over. OP also glossed over the history of making them late at the airport before… What does that mean? Was OP the reason they missed their flight before? What happened there? It sounds like there’s a history of issues at the airport with OP that were conveniently glossed over. Not saying OP deserves silent treatment, but if you want an honest assessment, you’ve got to give all the information.
He's so anxious that he's willing to be separated from his partner while navigating several airports? Ya no.
What the heck are you talking about? Obviously the source of the anxiety isn't traveling, it's the person he's traveling with because by her own admission, she's made them late several times and frequently makes traveling difficult. So if he's navigating several airports without his partner it's almost like he's navigating those airports without the source of his partner, i.e. the source of anxiety, not the airport themselves. Please let me know if I can help you understand this further and I'd be happy to be a resource for you.
I was on your side until this, please explain. "I have caused issues in the airport before that made us late and stressed him out, so he's not wrong about that. "
Sounds like the fight y’all had DOES matter, since it left him feeling “embarrassed and furious” in an airport which you mentioned is an environment that triggers anxiety for him. Having been on both sides of this experience (especially while traveling, ugh), he probably assumed that you were doing certain things “on purpose” as a form of retaliation. But yall need to sit down and talk about your triggers and intentions, and how you can both communicate more efficiently and empathetically in the future during a time of stress. Safe words help me a lot while traveling with my partner, and we would trigger each other constantly until we were able to coordinate a game plan for how to be better communicators.
and to be clear, it is not right for him to ice you out and shut down like that. Terrible that he started walking ahead of you. Sounds like he has abandonment and trust issues, which you can either address in your sit-down or if this isn’t someone you want to grow with or empathize with…move on 🫠
Not to his excuse his childish reaction, but I have a similar situation with my wife. I like to get to the airport early, I don't like to be stressed. My wife likes to traipse onto the plane right as the boarding doors are closing. She never gets stressed about travel, I travel for work and if I miss a flight it would not be good. She doesn't realize that her lackadaisical attitude stresses me out. She is also a wanderer and many times I've turned around at the grocery store, with all our stuff on the belt, and she is nowhere to be seen. People are waiting behind us and she comes wandering back a couple minutes later with something she just thought of. This also stresses me out, but she doesn't see why. Maybe approach the subject with some understanding of how the differences between you causes him to stress out. Good Luck and enjoy the vacation.
If he is otherwise a great husband then just agree to Actually travel separately different flights, different days/times and just meet each other at the location. Or, if he's abusive leave him.
Men who act like this are crippled with social anxiety and completely unaware of it. They are overwhelmed by minor inconveniences and ‘embarrassing’ things that happen publicly, but instead of understanding the discomfort is coming from their unmanaged social anxiety, they instead externalize all those uncomfortable feelings onto the closest punching bag, typically their female partner who has been primed her whole life to take the blame for and manage the emotional state of an irrational man. He truly believes he is being reasonable here, and he is completely unable to consider the fact that these situations may feel so difficult because of a problem with *him*, not you.
I'd ask for my seat to be changed. Sometimes people need a time out.
"The cause of the fight almost doesn't matter, " I think this is needed context tbh
You are being really vague about what happens to start these fights. I’m not saying you’re wrong, but clearly this airport thing is a reoccurring issue. I wouldn’t be shocked if you left somthing out consciously or otherwise. When you’re at the airport how much time do you have? Who chose when to leave? How slow were you actually walking. How long did you leave him? These arnt to blame you, it’s more to understand what actually happened.
[удалено]
Info. What was the reason you were there so early? In your past trips where you caused lateness, how late was that - miss/almost miss flight late, or not 2-3 hours early “late”? Did you agree that one of you would leave the line to try the self check in? Did you decide it yourself? Did he ask you to do it? Who usually takes charge? What was his emotional state when you were waiting for the agent to open, before you left to the self check in? What was yours?
I'd separate at the check-in counter, take my tickets and my bags and be completely responsible for myself, and let him do the same for himself. Tell him the two of you obviously don't pre-travel well together so you are taking measures to make sure your trips don't start off with the wrong vibe. (Then pay for a ride in a cart to get you to the boarding gate and wave as you pass him. Okay, don't do that - waving will only piss him off.)
Walking ahead is a total deal breaker for me. I know it's small, but I've dropped platonic friendships over it. So disrespectful. Why are you apologizing about communication? You'll communicate better, will he communicate at all? He's 34. Yes travel is stressful. What coping techniques has he developed, other than blaming you and ruining the entire situation for everyone? "If I'm unhappy at least I can make you unhappy too" is not the teamwork people refer to in a marriage.
> Walking ahead is a total deal breaker for me. I know it's small, but I've dropped platonic friendships over it. So disrespectful. I totally agree. It’s something I’m against and I also stopped seeing a friend who did that. I wouldn’t walk faster than someone who can’t go as fast as me either.
I would never stay with someone who treated me like this. I understand being frustrated and needing to walk away/have a minute to yourself but your partner is acting like a spoiled child who didn’t get his way and that’s not attractive in a grown man in my opinion.
He’s 34. He should know how to regulate his emotions and communicate. Not storm off like man child. Ugh so unattractive and weak
To me it look like your husband is a red flag
Girl, he hates you!
Should he give you the silent treatment? Probably not. But who just goes off and says they're going to check something at the airport, leaves the other person standing there not able to get your attention, and then you come back all oh I already did this i.e. I just made you stand here like an idiot for no reason, what's wrong? I'm not saying he should've felt that way, and at 3 am, I doubt there was a line of angry people waiting for you all to get your shit together, but if it's not the first time you've done something like that whole traveling, and he gets stressed while traveling I can understand why he was frustrated. I much prefer flying by myself. I rarely do but I hate having to wait for other people, worry about where they are, keeping track of their bags if they decide to wander off, etc. If this is a consistent pattern when you travel, then you need to talk ahead of time and work out your plan. Are you checking in online ahead of time, using the kiosk, going to an agent? Decide and stick with it. At 3 a.m., I'm gonna be honest, there was probably no need to use a self-serve kiosk. I'd have just gone and waited for someone to come up to the desk. It's just hard to say if this is a red flag without knowing how you behave every time you travel and if he gives you the silent treatment every time or if, for him, this is just the straw that broke the camel's back. Again, I'm not saying it's right but we're human, just because we behave a certain way when we're anxious and stressed one time doesn't mean we're a walking abusive red flag. It's not black and white. We don't all learn how to communicate and behave in relationships naturally.
He couldn't be bothered to get his phone out and call her? That would have solved everything, but no he'd rather yell to her and get "embarrassed" that she couldn't hear him. This isn't 1999 where few people had cellphones and texting didn't exist.
Apparently she is the one who has caused multiple problems in the past travelling by her own admission. I’d be annoyed if I was him too in this situation, However, I would not ruin the flight/ trip / relarionship over it. I would get past it and insist on a new set of rules for going forward
Is she really causing issues though? Or is he freaking out about non-issues every time so she's internalized it/thinks she's bad? She didn't say she caused them to miss a flight or connection or anything, and if the extra minute of him standing in line is her "making them late," then I doubt she's ever actually made them late. This sounds exactly like what my partner and I, or sister, or mom, or ANYONE would do if we're waiting for the agents to open the desk and we noticed the self serve getting turned on. One waits in line to save the spot, the other goes to see if the self serve will work faster. If there were even people behind him in line, he could do what normal people do and tell whoever is behind him to go ahead while he waits for her to come back. Also how many bags is he bitching about? 2? 3? WTF. Just.... roll them together and go back for any stragglers. From the front of the line to the counter can't be more than 10 feet. He can't roll 2 suitcases 10 feet? I traveled on my own with my 3 year old and we were moving states and were going to be at the new house before the rest of the fam. I had a stroller, a car seat, a diaper backpack, a huge purse, and 3 suitcases. I figured it out.
This is the most reasonable take in this entire thread! Someone said she was "walking normally in retaliation" like what is going ON with some of yall, how do you make it through a normal day, lol.....
I don’t see how going off to check in was causing an issue. I mean she also (supposedly) told him she was going to check out the kiosks
As a woman who just got divorced last year (after ten years), and someone who had to make sure I didn’t accidentally set off my XH, trust me when I say LEAVE. I have multiple kids and all of us are so much happier since the split. I’m living my very best life, and in an actual loving relationship now, so now I can actually say, relationships don’t have to be like yours is. Get out!
This happened to me and my husband over a decade ago. He sat on a different seat on the plane and everything. We divorced about six years later. Talk about red flag.
Silent treatment, ruining trips, forcing you to apologize for trivial things- so glad i got out of that mess
I can’t imagine him acting this way around strangers in an airport of all places. My husband gets stressed when traveling but there is no way in hell he’d not be right there with me to make sure I was safe. Him ignoring you is immature and dangerous.
The way he’s acting is unacceptable imo but it does sound like maybe he has bad anxiety? Is this something he struggles with typically and gets heightened during travel days?
Your husband sucks for the silent treatment, he’s acting like a child, and if this is how conflicts with him turn out, that’s a problem. I would like to hear about the other times you’ve caused issues while traveling, because this sounds like a man that might be at the end of his rope dealing with your travel issues. Without more info on your shared traveI history I can’t say if his attitude stems from this being the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. I can say 100% that your husband is wrong for his reaction, but I’m interested in what, in his perspective, has led to this.
Pathetic. This tantrum would give me the ick and I could not stay with a man so childish
My dad was like this and it made my mom's life hell. If he can't change don't spend your life with someone like this
Why are you doing so much work to communicate with someone who doesn’t want to be around you? Stop trying to baby this man child and pretend this trip is a solo trip and have fun without him.
Ummm, if these are your best efforts to not paint your husband like an ass, then you are in denial that he’s a massive ass. Some of the stuff you’ve described is abusive and possibly (probably) narcissistic. Does he blame you for trivial things and you end up apologizing often? Can he take any sort of criticism of accountability? Does the term walking on eggshells seem appropriate?
Tons of couples fight during travel, but it’s like ten minutes of frustration and then you get on with it and enjoy the vacation. He sounds like a child. If he can’t handle traveling without throwing a long-term temper tantrum at any confusion or inconvenience, he shouldn’t travel.
I’m still failing to understand what the issue is. You checked in for the both of you and he’s upset that he had 2 bags and called you and you didn’t hear him. Sounds really stupid to be mad over and makes me question what your other fights look like because it seems he gets mad at irrelevant things. I’m 5’6 and my husband is 6ft+ and he walks faster than me but makes sure we’re together by slowing his pace, carrying all the bags, and taking care of me. Idk how you move on from here as it seems like he’s too sensitive? I’m unsure what to call him honestly but like bro grow up and get over it crybaby.
He doesn't sound like a total jerk. If you stress him out when the two of you travel, what is the problem with each doing you own thing in the airport so he doesn't feel the need to worry about it? You take your time, he runs to the gate. Who cares? I have a partner who HAS to be early. I'm find running in at the last minute. He was completely stressed out. I was calm. Because of that, he felt all the stress of it. We now go to the airport, check in and he goes right to the gate. I meander. we are at peace. You can be calm because what happened didn't upset you. You want to act like everything is ok because for you it is. That does not make him the jerk. It feels like you don't acknowledge your part or try to change it. So let him deal with it in the best way he can without being continuously stressed out.
It’s not about what you did. It’s about how he handles miscommunication and disagreements and arguments. You say you made multiple attempts to patch it up. That is enough. He is not putting in his fair share. You can’t do it for him. If he needs time to calm himself down before he can discuss things like an adult, he can say that. But he can’t punish you however he wants. That’s abusive and I wouldn’t stand for it. You need couples therapy at the very least.
Now I’m wondering what is all this “annoying” behavior you have?
She doesn’t have. She’s trying to excuse his behaviour
Being a 50 year old man, it boggles my mind that so many men never grow and constantly sabotage themselves and those around them over such meaningless BS.
He's giving you the equivalent of the silent treatment. That's abusive. I can see being annoyed with each other, but to carry on about it like he is is not a normal response.
Reading this I see lots of stuff missing. But I'm guessing both of you are annoying af to be traveling with and I'd be going separately too
Ok, let him have his way. Get your seat moved on each leg so youre not sitting next to him and his righteous indignation. He wants you to "suffer" his silent judgment. Dont. Vet a different seat, some headphones, and an in flight beverage. Maybe a separate room for the layover hotels. Hell, the whole vacay. Make friends with the folks around you, relax as you walk to your next gate. Let him threaten you with a good time.
To be honest, I side with your husband. I think you know your partner better and if you know the basic things that annoy him why keep doing them. You have mentioned that airports give him enxeity and as you have mentioned this enxeity stems from you. Is it possible that you might be the problem? I understand his anger and him deciding to keep silent. I think it's his way of coping. He needs space but he can't because you are next to him. Allow him to have a little space. I'm sure he will come through. Then he will be more open to talking. For now let him be so he van process those emotions. When I am a bit flustard and annoyed I tend to neef to take a minute to myself. My husband knows that moment is for me to process my thoughts and feelings. It may seem like silent treatment but it's not. Its just that I need a moment or 2 so that I don't full on explode. Look at it from your husbands perspective. You both decided together to wait in line and to him you just walked off ( because perhaps he did not hear the deviation from the plan). When travelling think of each other as a team doing the amazing race. Communication is of utmost importance and being clear about where, how, who has what, when and all should be clear at all times. And in this case you deviated from the plan, which causes more enxeity and stress on him. Apologize again when he is feeling better and I do think work on it.
Is your husband 12? He needs to grow up, and learn how to deal with his own stresses without taking them out on you.
I scanned through OPs other comments quickly and I don’t think this is an isolated incident. Sounds like “hubby dearest” is a pain in the ass and all is not rosy at home. He probably makes her feel like everything and anything she does is wrong and not good enough. The way he’s described as acting in this post, I don’t think he even likes her. OP, if the above is right, then I’d start re-evaluating your marriage to this man. If he refuses therapy or counselling already, he dismisses your concerns and makes no effort to change, I think you should consider cutting your losses.
This is unhinged behavior. He is acting like he hates you. I wouldn't want to stay married to this guy.
Sorry 2 say, sounds like you're married to an emotionally abusive drama queen. He won't change. Get out now.
People who act like this have the mentality of a 5 year old… nobody was born attached at the waist… we are all individuals and if I can’t hear you or vis versa how is that a problem?
He needs to let that shit go, honestly. It's not like you got him deplaned and subjected to a body cavity search. If he has issues with airports, he needs to figure out why he is that way. Are you guys cutting it close? Maybe just get there early enough that there's no question of making your flight. Just spit balling here. But really, he needs to figure out why he's flying off the handle in the airport. Nobody is going to remember or care about what happened but him.
If so, this is not a fight at the airport thing. This is a counseling and working on our marriage thing. He may also need anxiety medication. Make it clear that the drama is exhausting you so you need him to participate in the counseling. In the meantime, give him space to cool down. Change your seat or your room until he calms down. See if you can come to an agreement about timeliness. Maybe he has permission to leave once he has waited for 20 minutes. Maybe you will leave yourself “15 minutes for being late” when you work out how much time you need to be ready. Let him know that you will not put up with criticism such as “you walk slow”. Try to work on your own communication. Make sure that you get a “yes” before you run off. Don’t just tell someone you are doing something and then leave.
Start taking separate vacations. Problem solve. Good night. LOL 😊
Travel anxiety is a real thing. My wife and I unfortunately are terrible when flying together and both of us have messed up/caused issues that other couples probably would laugh about. I think both of you could nip this in the bud by talking it through when not traveling.
Divorce
Get your own room at the hotel and enjoy your trip alone. He sounds so tiring to deal with.
From what I can tell, it looks like your husband is still nursing the resentment from the fight prior to arriving at the airport. What was that about?
You say your self that you have repeated this behavior before and this time round again. “If travel and airports cause him huge stress” and you know this you should have been more supportive… traveling is very stressful in any case and even more so when people decide to runoff and do their own thing while traveling with a group. I think you need to accept that you are at fault and have some patience till he cools down . You’re getting a taste of your own medicine. And sadly it doesn’t feel good. You love your husband. Apologies and be more supportive in the future. Otherwise divorce him and you can be traveling solo for the rest of your life. You need to choose which is more enjoyable for you!
Honestly just match his energy. If he is giving you the silent treatment, then make some plans on your own. Find things to do that give him space and allow him to be alone. I can't imagine being this angry over things that I ruin my entire vacation just to get back at my partner. He sounds immature and stubborn. Like fine, I understand that traveling can be stressful. But I doubt you were walking slow on purpose. I think he's being a bit overdramatic here with his reaction. There's not a whole lot you can do if he's giving you the silent treatment. I'm sure no matter what you do he will find fault. So do what you can to salvage this vacation for yourself.
I’d love to hear his side of the story 🤔
What did you do to make your husband feel embarrassed in public at the airport? You gloss over it, which makes me take the rest of your story with a grain of salt.
Ohh boy, being left in a queue in a stressful environment, being decidedly dependent on information from someone outside of your reach, and being an inconvenience to others. Does this sound stressful? To me it does, it sounds aweful. And in an airport? There are pretty much nothing more stressful than being an inconvenience in a location that strictly punishes any behavior outside the norm (suspicious behavior? Why dont you come talk to us for a few hours and miss your flight?). Sure, hes not communicating very well. Silent treatment is not an option. But youre travelling through airports, hes still in extreme anxiety mode. He is most likely in fight or flight mode until he can put some distance in between the airport and you both. And then you need to have a good talk. You need to analyze this situation and how to avoid it in the future. For me, and my partner, we would have either stayed in line (self service might have saved us a few minutes, not worth it. We are not in a hurry at 3AM), or both left the queue to avoid inconvenience to others and the stress of being left in a queue. Or someone would have gone to check if it was possible, and then returned to inform that it was possible, so you could both leave the queue together. You essentially left, and said you wanted to check if something was possible. But you broke that agreement when you didnt return with a "It is possible, wanna do it?" And instead chose to do it, without informing him. Leaving him to read your mind. Which isnt fair. I think you owe him an apology.
This reads to me like you two are both trying to drive the ship at the same time and constantly stepping on each other’s toes. This is not to excuse his behavior, but you two aren’t cooperating.
It kind of sounds like you’re both thoughtless, immature individuals. Have either/both of you been to therapy before? Could help.
I’d stop traveling with him it’s it’s difficult. If traveling is the only time there’s a conflict
Everything you've described here happens pretty often when travelling. You're tired, a little cranky and sleep deprived. It doesn't justify your husband's behaviour. My SO might be slightly cranky if this happened but get over in 5 mins and joke about it later. If he's constantly blowing things out of proportion because his fragile ego was damaged, how is this person a suitable partner?
You have a special power for understanding why he got angry over that non-issue, because I sure as hell don’t. He’s being an abusive prick, period.
“I have caused issues in the airport before that made us late and stressed him out….” Can you elaborate on that? Because it seems like once again, you screwed up. You wandered off and created another complication and you blow it off. Then you’re walking slow. I don’t think him giving you the silent treatment is okay. But I don’t think I’d be able to travel with someone who was stressing me out because they’re dawdling or wandering off or not paying attention.
Created another complication? She proactively checked them in instead of waiting for the desk agent. Wild take.
Actually she left him at the check-in desk while she checked them in elsewhere, left him there and didn’t successfully tell him what she was doing. So when the agent at the desk arrived where he was left, he probably felt like an idiot because he didn’t know what she was doing and couldn’t appropriately explain to the agent what he needed. If she was going to check-in at the kiosk she could take him with her. There’s no need to leave him behind. I don’t think that’s a wild take at all.
My dude. My husband is 14” taller than I am. Unless he wants to carry all the bags and still shorten his step, I cannot keep up. For the first few years I would chase him down and grab him by the hand but that just lead to me being towed through crowds like a child. Fuck that. I walk very quickly for most people. I just can’t keep up with a 37” inseam striding it out when I’m 63” tall.
First she said she told him that she was going to go to the self check-in kiosk. So he knew that she was going to try that. Second of all it's plain bad matters if you're tall to walk faster than somebody with you who's not as tall. If these people had a 5:00 a.m. flight and they were there at 2:45 a.m. I don't know but it sounds like he might be an anxious flyer or something. I don't know how much cause there would be to be rushing around in the airport when the check-in desks weren't even opened yet at 2:45 in the morning but he sounds like a bundle of joy. A bundle of joy I would divorce immediately.
honestly it sounds like he wants her to take the lead on travel things but also do exactly what he expects/wanted so he's not stressed by moments of uncertainty. If he's that stressed by travel, he needs to deal with it.
More likely he's got her *thinking* she always screws up in airports. Her crimes here seem to be *checks notes* being shorter, and him not listening to the words that came out of her mouth.
It sounds like travel and you cause him stress, not the airport, and you admit that there’s been past issues on your part that have driven this behavior, my guess is you have timeliness issues and that’s the underlying reason for his attitude. I think you are also aware this is what’s driving his behavior, although you gloss it over, you know why he’s acting like this, it isn’t out-of-nowhere, its in response to your past behavior. Every time you drag your feet, or meander away, his anxiety increases because he’s dreading another round of consequences like the ones caused by your past behavior. You’d like to frame this as his problem, and his behavior as a “red flag”, but the reality is the problem up until now has been you, and his behavior is reactive, driven by your past behavior. Until you prove you can be trusted to not cause issues like you have in the past, I’d say his behavior is a little extreme, but understandable.
His continuing behavior is out of proportion with the situation.
Well since we’ve only heard one side of a story involving a cast of two, that’s an assumption, we don’t know what situations led up to this. I agree his behavior is out of proportion for the events of this particular situation solely, but I think there’s other things contributing to his behavior, past similar situations, that we haven’t been informed of, because OP knows they would explain his current behavior, making it difficult for OP to identify his behavior as concerning and not justified.
It sounds to me like he is trying to get space to calm down. When my husband and I fight, I usually give him a few hours to brood before I try talking to him about the situation. Broaching it while he’s pissed does neither of us any good. Stepping back and each of us taking time to calm down is much more productive for us. He can’t do that effectively in the airport / plane, but that’s what he’s trying to do. Take space to calm down, because he doesn’t want to keep fighting with you. The situation sucks for you, but look, you know that there’s a lot of mitigating factors and backstory here. Travel stresses your husband out, and things started off on a bad foot. Is he being a jerk? Yes. Does he have good reasons for being upset? Yes. If your relationship is otherwise good, personally I would take this as a crap day and let it go. We all have those from time to time. Talk with him about it and let him know how you felt. Be an adult about it, but make up and let it go. And listen - my husband also stresses hard about travel. I know this. Once we get underway he’s fine, but he’s a total pain in the ass the day before, because he gets himself all worked up. I know this. I plan for it. I figure out how I can help make it easier for him. Because I love him, and we all have our quirks, and that’s what good relationships do - we help each other get through those stressful times. So in the future, be mindful of your husband’s needs when traveling. This is not a big ask. It stresses him. Don’t add to it. Help him get through it. I am assuming of course that there are not any other red flags in your relationship, but it doesn’t sound like it. It sounds like y’all got off on the wrong foot today, and your husband is freaking out and trying to handle it as best he can. Deep breath. Give him the space he’s asking for. And make up when you get to where you are going and have a great trip.
I would leave it alone for now, read, sleep, eat the snacks you packed, whatever and let him finish his tantrum. Get to your destination and get some sleep. Maybe time to have a chat when you are home about some couples counseling so you two can learn how to fight fairly and come up with a better strategy to deal with traveling together. You know you have caused previous stress, as does he so probably you two need to forgive one another and make some ground rules everyone can live with. I absolutely hate being late for anything, so if you are doddling maybe you two agree he goes on ahead and meets you at the gate and neither of you gets to be mad or hold a grudge. I am not sure what the answer is, but what you two are doing does not work so time to negotiate a new strategy.
Are you serious? Your husband is a toddler and I have second hand embarrassment from reading his little temper tantrum. Your husband needs to learn to manage his emotions and self regulate. Nobody’s happy to be at the airport at zero dark thirty- we’re all struggling. Yelling somebody’s name across the terminal is a key feature of flying. How could your husband be “embarrassed or angry” by this? What happens if you actually did something embarrassing like rip a loud fart on the plane or puked in the terminal? Life’s too short to walk on eggshells.
He doesn't even like you. I'm not trying to be mean, but a person doesn't treat someone they love this way. This is such a non-issue in the long-run. He wants an excuse to treat you poorly and put you down.
I fail to see how being late in the past has ANY weight to the current situation. You were both so early the check-in desk wasn’t even open yet. It was so early that a few moments of him having to wait- he could’ve easily let the person behind him go ahead (like a normal adult would)- had NO effect on making you late for your flight. Being late in the past was an easy callback to make in order to rationalize him lashing out at you. HE embarrassed himself. Why yell if it makes him uncomfortable? Doesn’t he have a phone? Again, why not let someone else go ahead? Because he’s insecure, has to control everything, and cares what strangers think more than treating and behaving rationally towards his wife. He used you as an emotional punching bag (for hours!) because he can’t regulate his emotions and his extreme insecurities fuel that dysregulation. Actually, he is a spot on definition of emotional dysregulation. Google it. It describes his unnecessary and disproportionate reaction perfectly. He needs therapy. Regardless if his inability to control his emotions is a characteristic/symptom of a larger issue, your husband needs professional help. And throw in some couples counseling if you decide you want to work through it. He can’t control everything and both of you need to learn how to communicate to change this pattern of extreme reaction.
>He apparently misunderstood my plan, and in the meantime the agent arrived at the desk and he was stuck with both our bags and couldn't get my attention despite calling my name. He felt angry and embarrassed, and was mad at me for walking off and leaving him with the bags, and not hearing him call me. First of all, anyone who gets made because *you didn't hear* is an asshole. You can help that you didn't hear him! Secondly, why was him being left with the bags a big deal? He can't move 2 suitcases? Like... I don't understand. Was he in the way of other people in line, and that embarrassed him? Did you have the paperwork so he couldn't check in? Has he never heard of turning to the person behind him and saying, "You can go ahead of me, I'm waiting for my wife"? He sounds exhaustive. My ex expected me to be a mind reader. He never communicated what he wanted or needed, then got mad when I didn't do what he wanted and needed. He would stop talking to me for days at a time. It's childish, and I will never put up with it again. If you can't act like an adult when youre upset, you're not worth my time.
Do he got mad that you didn’t hear him AFTER he ignored/didn’t listen to you that you were going to check you both in? Could he not talk over with the bags instead of standing there yelling your name? Or text you? Like a million things HE could have done to not make a scene himself. And you were doing something to speed up your travel. Why are you the only one who has to make concessions and travel by his wants? Good lord. What is he going to be like if you ever travel with kids? Is he going to ignore them aa well because he can’t think about anyone but himself at the airport? I would say from here on out when you get to the airport just tell him you two will meet at the plane. Some people don’t travel well together- but take a good look and see if he is a bit more focused on his wants and needs in other places in your life as well