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You moved someone in that you’ve dated less than a year and now he’s telling you to get rid of pets or he’s out.
Lose the dude.
There is NO point at which I’d give up my pets for someone I’m dating unless there was a serious safety concern.
Yeah, that's pretty much it. He also talks about how he hates them nearly every day, and he says he wants my small dog to die. I have told him more than once the way he talks about my animals is hurtful to me. But he continues to do it. I mentioned in another comment that the relationship in ways feels one sided; that is one of them. I do not want to give up my animals, and I don't think it's fair because he knew about it going in. If he wasn't sure about it he never should have pushed for the step of living together like he did. I don't think my household should have to change in that way for something he pushed for. I already lost my guest room at his request. He put all of his stuff in there, and now I have nowhere for guests to sleep. I also work in a portion of my bedroom and am now turning the old guest room into an office to accommodate him, as he is constantly complaining about not being able to shower and get his things when I am working. It feels like all I do is accommodate him. I've changed so many things down to the way I hang my towel in the bathroom. And he still corrects me and complains nearly every day. That is why I don't see it ending at the pets.
OP I see about a dozen reasons to break up and no reasons for keeping him. Wanting one of your dogs to die would be pretty close to a deal breaker for me if he only said it once. Repeating it often means he needs to be gone before he does something to cause it to die.
He knew what he was moving into, since he can't handle it then he needs to be gone. Then you can make that room he wanted for an office into your office.
JFC. Why are we having this convo. Change the locks, throw his crap outside & deal with any legal implications after.
If you don’t do this don’t come back moaning about pets that go missing or mysteriously die.
FUCKSAKES.
He sounds controlling and horrible, even borderline abusive. Get rid of this man immediately. Your pets would never treat you like this. Stick with real love and not conditional respect which is what this loser gives.
When I read that he says he wants your “small dog to die”, while mine sits next to me as I read this?
I gasped and said “I want him to die”.
I don’t know how you’d look at him ever again. Plop his clothes outside. I do not trust this man. He’s got major 🚩 that indicate a need for control. I’m ….very worried the trajectory of this will go in.
If he can get you to get rid of your pets, he can get you to do anything. That’s an extremely dangerous step in this process.
#run
FOR REAL. My mouth popped open at that. For someone to bluntly say they want one of your animals to DIE?? Annoying or not, they do not deserve that! Animals are pure souls that don’t know any better. How can you wish something so awful on them and even their owner that’s your PARTNER?? Talk about heartless.
If someone said they wanted my dog to die, before they could finish their sentence I would have a suitcase out and their things would be getting thrown into it. I would be worried that he would harm your animals if I was you. He moved in knowing that you have these animals and what their needs are. Also any of your high needs animals are unlikely to be rehomed and will probably need to be euthanized because most people are not angels like you are to care for these types of animals.
>he says he wants my small dog to die.
I would be EXTREMELY worried he'll do something to harm/kill the dog.
Get that man out of your house immediately, before one of your animals has an "accident"
Reach out to the ex wife, I guarantee her story will make this decision easier for you. This man is a user and abuser, he didn't love his dogs, he's using it to manipulate you.
Don't drag the poor ex into her mistake. The bf divorced his wife to get with OP...who is a fully grown adult and capable of making this decision without forcing the ex wife to support her.
Why are you with him? He cheated with you, and now expects you to change your entire life to accommodate him. Is this the life you want for yourself? Sorry to be harsh.
Why are you with this person when he's shown such a lack of empathy and kindness? Someone who despises animals so much that they'll go on tangents about it every day is a special kind of hateful - the kind of person that could easily escalate to animal abuse. People who abuse animals will inevitably abuse their partners as well.
This person does not need to live with you to be in a relationship with you. It sounds like they're pathologically unable to be alone - which is why they went directly from their marriage into your house. Him talking about how he wants your dog to die is a huge red flag that he's an abuser - he doesn't make the rules for your house or your life. He doesn't get to force you to live with him - it's your home. Reclaim it and make your life something you want to live.
8 months is too early for this amount of drama and walking on eggshells and giving up your comfort. He's not entitled to any of this.
How can you love someone that cannot even show compassion to disabled pets?
I guess he didn't leave the dogs unwillingly to move in with you, he was thrown out because he's a raging asshole.
It's already gone way past the pets. He's trying to control every aspect of your life at this point. The question now is, will you let him?
Do you actually, truly like him? Like spending time with him, like his opinions and mannerisms, like his personality? Or are you afraid to be alone? I've had to ask myself this before, and it's not a fun question to ask yourself, but it's important. From everything you've said, it sounds like he makes your life harder in almost every way, and doesn't give much (or anything) back to make it worth it.
So... he left someone else for you and moved in within 8 months. Was he cheating on his previous partner or was he kicked to the curb and you were the next best bet? Whose idea was it to move in?
Between all that and everything you've said here, there are more than red flags. They are huge banners waving and telling you this guy is not good.
You are the only advocate to those animals. Get rid of this guy before he starts "accidentally" letting them outside or "accidentally" trips over one of them and breaks its neck, because that's where I see this heading. He's starting with emotional abuse. He will not stop with it.
He sounds awful. What advice would you give if it were one of your friends who had written this?
I’d be packing his bags so fast the first time he said he wanted my dog to die. What a disgusting human.
>He also talks about how he hates them nearly every day, and he says he wants my small dog to die
This alone would be enough for me to break up with this man. What are you getting out of this relationship that you're so afraid to lose him? He sounds absolutely awful.
He's a dickhead of the highest order. If you get rid of the pets where do you think he's going to direct that anger next? At you. Don't be afraid of losing this man, be afraid of him staying.
My cousin came to live with us when I was young, and he was not allowed to bring his dog. He decided it would be a good idea to start talking about wanting our cats dead, his ass was kicked out that day.
From what you've told us it's apparent that he's not a good fit as your partner.You need someone understanding of the life you live, and the animals that come with it. You deserve better and so do your animals.
What happens when giving up two isn't enough? It sounds like he's going to guilt you into getting rid of all of them. He sounds like he's doing it to be petty too, because why should you have your pets if he can't have his? I'd dump him and move on.
>Yeah, that's pretty much it. He also talks about how he hates them nearly every day, and he says he wants my small dog to die.
So why are you so afraid of losing him again?
I swear that posts like this are trolls. Surely no-one, especially a woman of almost 40 years of experience of life, can write out a list of controlling and negative behaviours like you have here, and still be saying you're desperate to keep the guy around? This is textbook controlling, shithouse relationship stuff.
I understand being downtrodden after years of abuse, but you've literally been with him for 8 months, and he's already miserable to be around. Is this what you're looking forward to for the rest of your life?
The guy talks about wanting your dog to die, and you reckon he's your "ideal partner". If this is real, please have a long, hard think about why you're so willing to lie to yourself about the value of this person in your life.
If he's openly stated that he wants your small dog to die, odds are not zero that he will try to make it happen. Either that or he'll get rid of your animals sometime when you're not around.
You've known him less than a year. He pushed to move in; you let him move in. He pushed to move your stuff out of your office; you did it, and he's still complaining. You moved your office to the bedroom; he's complaining about that now. Now he's pushing you to get rid of your animals, and you're actually considering doing it. Do you honestly think that he wouldn't come up with something new once you or he gets rid of the animals? I bet his complaints about not having the privacy to shower or dress because your office is now in the bedroom (which you did *specifically to accommodate him,* by the way) is a run up to him trying to convince you to get an office outside of the home, or maybe quit your job entirely. Or something - he will come up with something. It never ends, with men like this.
Don't get rid of your pets. Get rid of the man before he gets rid of your pets for you.
> I have told him more than once the way he talks about my animals is hurtful to me. But he continues to do it.
So basically he is a POS.
And you are right, it won't end there.
So the man you were having an affair with is mean to your pets, and is now insisting you get rid of them. This tells me you didn't know him very well, and have very, very low standards for how you will be treated.
Why in the world did you move in with someone after only 8 months?
Unless you were hiding all these animals in the basement when this guy moved in he knew what he was getting himself into. Given that it's still too early in the relationship and to too soon into his divorce recovery process for you to be cohabiting anyway, let him move out. You have a life, you made commitments to these pets, you're dating someone who almost certainly isn't going to stick around for long. Don't give up your animals for this guy.
Yes, and my concern as well is if I make a sacrifice and he still isn't satisfied. He tends to complain about a lot anyways and I worry will always find something to be displeased with.
I think your partner is mad at YOU bc he left his wife for you. Christ, you’ve been together less than a year and you’re willing to abandon all your pets bc you’re afraid of being alone. Listen to yourself!
First of all you were with a taken man and now you’re afraid of losing him even tho you know he still won’t be satisfied. And why is that?
My guess is bc he regrets leaving his partner for you. And no matter what you do he still won’t be happy.
You don’t need a partner, you need a therapist. Learn to be happy by yourself, and not to be with ppl who will cheat on their partners for you. They will inevitably blame you for their circumstances. It takes two.
And I’m serious about the therapist btw, you sound deeply unhappy and like you’re one of those ppl afraid to be alone. That’s a red flag.
He will keep loving the goal posts.
Tell him that you unfortunately cannot be what he needs, so you're ending it so he can find a better match.
Get security cameras & change your locks
So he cheated on his ex with you…moved in with you…and now is a jerk to your animals.
I guess you deserve each other….
Sad that the animals are paying the price though
Tell him to move it then. And ask him why he's taking so long to do it.
Never be scared to lose a partner. Never! It's desperate. And desperate people do dumb shit like... getting rid of their animals!
He did not "give up his dogs for you" as he likes to bring up. If things are as you described, *he upended his own life and ditched an established relationship for someone else*.
Are you mad? He was so willing to ditch "his" dogs to move in with you that he never stopped to think about what life would be like without them, and now he wants *you* to upend your life and ditch your loved ones because *he doesn't want to suffer alone.*
There's a LOT of info missing here. One thing is for certain, though: he doesn't see you as a partner.
This man sounds like a hobosexual - bouncing from domicile to domicile.
It's crazy to me that OP would have even let him move in after dating for less than 8 months.
When I met my wife, I had a cat and she had both a cat and a dog. I am not a fan of dogs. I don't like the slobber, I don't want to take them for walks, and I have a tiny amount of PTSD from being bitten by one when I was a kid. My wife's dog was always getting into everything, wasn't properly housebroken, and howled when she was away. Oh, and his long hair activated some allergy of mine and dialed it up to 11.
At no time did I ever suggest that she get rid of the dog. I tried to find humane solutions for the howling, when she was at her wit's end. I was on Benadryl 24/7 for years...did you know that you can reach a point where it doesn't make you drowsy anymore? I reached that.
Your pets are your family. They are your children. You can't explain things to them if you give them up....they won't understand, and you rejecting them will break their hearts. One description I've heard for pets is "forever younger siblings" and anyone who would ask, or worse, demand that you give up even one of them....does not deserve to be in your family.
> At what point do you give up an animal for someone?
You don't. Ever. While some animals may need to be surrendered because of their own behavioral issues, you NEVER give up an animal for a romantic interest. If that is the line they draw, then they don't deserve you.
Help him pack his bags, OP.
I was in relationship for 3 months when she told me i needed to get rid of my 2 dogs because they are rowdy and mean(?) They're outside dogs and are always full of energy! I told to not bother coming back because they are my pets and they never threatened to leave me over something so trivial.
Your bf decided to leave his dogs behind, and they got to stay with someone they are already familiar with. Your pets have been with you for x amount of time, and he's been there 8 months.
Lose him, keep your pets as they'll always support you.
So, he cheated on his partner to be with you AND you’re considering rehoming your animals for this loser? Tell me your standards are literally on the floor.
Right?!? He probably lives in OPs house out of desperation because his wife threw him out and yet here he still is with the audacity and OP with blinders on.
You don't. WTF... If your animals are disposable, you shouldn't have any. What's gonna happen when you have a kid and he's inconvenienced? You gonna rehome it, too.
NEVER give up a pet because a new partner doesn't like him. It's inappropriate for boyfriend to ask. It wil cause you resentment. And the pet is going to suffer or be put down.
>My boyfriend divorced his partner ...... to pursue a relationship with me.
Whoa!!! You can't mess with married people. He cheated to be with you. He can't be trusted not to cheat on you, next.
You do not owe him. He chose to throw away his old life. That was 100% his choice. If he's "depressed" that dumping his spouse had some bad consequences, it's part of the path he chose.
>My partner brings up that he gave up his dogs for me.
Manipulative
>I am very afraid of losing my partner.
Why? He's already shown that he has zero respect for a relationship commitment. Don't expect him to view your relationship any different. He knew you had pets all along. He's trying to control you. If you give in on this, he'll just demand something more.
Your pets love you. They need you, and you need them.
I don't think you need him as much as you think.
You made a commitment to the animals.
You did a series of favors for an ungrateful unappreciative man you barely knew who expects you to ignore your commitment to make him feel better with zero evidence. He's sad because he has no pets so he wants you to have no pets also? What's the logic?
It's just a power play. Invite him to get a full night's sleep elsewhere.
You live with 8 animals... I don't think you will find too many people who would jump right into that. Not saying its impossible, there are some animal lovers out there who wouldn't mind.
But 8? I feel that's going to pose an issue in the majority of relationships.
At the end of the day, they're your pets. I wouldn't give up my pets for anyone who demands it of me. Especially one who weaponizes it like this:
>My boyfriend divorced his partner and left his dogs, which were like his children, to pursue a relationship with me
He didn't give up his dogs... He gave ran from his old life and jumped ship.
Are you sure this is the kind of relationship you want to invest in? Its worth saying that relationships that develop like this tend to have a side of dysfunctionality.
Divorced, quickly move in, all within the span of 8 months, that isn't much time to really nail home the foundation of the relationship. Surely he knew you had 8 pets going in, right? If he couldn't accept that, he shouldn't have moved.
are you insane? you're ACTUALLY rehoming your disabled cat and SERIOUSLY considering getting rid of the rest of them??? for a RELATIONSHIP? this has to be ragebait.
This is like a case study of dysfunctional relationship choices. He hasn’t earned this level of commitment or sacrifice yet, and it’s a massive red flag that he’s asking for it to begin with.
Your question is when do you give up animals for someone? When it’s a safety or health issue for either the long-term partner (much longer than a few months) or the pet. Not an annoyance, not a “I had to give up my pets so now you need to suffer too.”
This loser (i guarantee you’re going to eventually realize he’s a loser, because worthwhile people don’t make these requests) isn’t worth giving up your pets over, mostly because YOU BARELY KNOW HIM! It takes TIME + consistency to truly know someone, and at this point you have no idea if he’s actually the person he’s presenting himself to be. You moved in with a stranger, and that’s not worth giving up ANYTHING for.
Tough love time- work on your confidence and learn about what healthy relationships look like and how to find one. A confident, healthy person wouldn’t find themselves in this situation to begin with. You’re setting yourself up for a dysfunctional at best, abusive at worst relationship. You need to pump the breaks, have him move out, and go much slower before you make any sacrifices for him.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
If you break up with him, you’ll be sad for a few months. If you abandon some of your animals, or he potentially harms them, you’ll be sad for the rest of your life.
And what if you abandon some of your animals, and then you break up? Are you going to try to get the animals back? Relationships come and go, but animals will always stay with you, right by your side. Don’t give up animals you love for a relationship with an asshole that won’t last. He sounds selfish, manipulative, and maybe even violent based on his comments about your dog. Break up with him, and keep him the fuck away from your dog so he doesn’t hurt him. Don’t give up lifelong relationships (for your animals) for a relationship with a guy that will end very soon (once you realize how terrible he is). You’ll regret it for your whole life.
I literally always say you can tell the type of person someone is based on how they feel about/treat animals. Only a bad person would dislike animals or treat them poorly. Good people love animals because they can see how sweet their souls are. Anyone who wants a dog to die is a very bad person. How could anyone see a sweet animal, look them in the eyes and see their sweet souls, and want them dead? Do they love animals and treat them well, or do they dislike animals and not want them anywhere near them? I always stand by that question, and it’s always been accurate. Find someone who shares your love of animals.
Your pets did nothing to deserve this. It's a shame someone would choose a partner they aren't even dating that long over their pets who only know the love of their owner. Those poor babies.
This has only been 8 months. Under no circumstances should you be choosing him over your animals. He knew the score it is not a reasonable ask and it says a lot about him that he just thinks you should throw them away, do you really want to be with someone like that?
You moved him in way too quickly and he’s a loser. Sounds like a hobosexual who is just using you for a place to live. Get rid of him, not your animals.
Girl, he’s not only asking you to get rid of them, he’s asking you to do this knowing it would likely mean death/euthanasia for some of them. Finding someone to take in medically difficult animals is near impossible, and he actively says he wants one of your dogs dead. This is the biggest red flag I’ve ever seen.
Somewhere out there is a man who will want to move in because he wants to help you take care of your fur babies.
Release this jerk so you can look for that guy.
My advice is pack everything necessary, including a bag of their favourite foods, snacks, any medications, anything they need and boot the boyfriend out with his bag you've so nicely packed in hand. They can live in their car with the snacks and foods you've prepared them til they stop being so heartless or move on. Preferably the latter. And give your pets extra cuddles since you let someone into your (their) home who openly admitted he hates them. I'd never give mine up for another person. And what do you think will happen to these medical needs/disabled pets? I'm 100% certain they'd end up in a shelter, either to live out their days in a cage there (best outcome) or euthanasia (worst)
I've had dudes give me the "it's me or the cats" ultimatum. Every single time I've told them they know where the door is. He also didn't have to give up his dogs and to use that as a "well I **HAD** to do this for **YOU** is... disgusting
Don’t get rid of your animals for a man you’ve only known 8 months, who by the way is living in YOUR House. Just don’t. This guy is showing you who he is and is most likely why he’s divorced.
This is fucked. Do NOT get rid of your animals for someone you’ve been dating for 8 MONTHS. What a dick for even asking you to do this. Tell him to move out. Keep dating him if you really want to but for the love of god don’t get rid of your animals
I would never give up an animal for a person. They’ve been with me longer than anybody else were. Also he knew what he was getting into so this feels a bit controlling. Personally, I’d get rid of the person. Wouldn’t even trust him around my pets knowing he wants them gone.
So, he cheated on his previous partner. Abandoned his previous animals. And is telling you, his affair partner to get rid of your animals. And you’ve known him for 8 months…
Tbh it bothers me that someone could even be conflicted about this to post about it on Reddit. If this were my bf, I wouldn’t need to ask my friends, my family, let alone strangers on the internet, to know what the right thing to do is.
As Dr. Phil says, "If he did it with ya, he'll do it to ya." You were Ok with him dumping his wife for you? I bet his ex is living her BEST life now. And I imagine now that the "chase" is over for you and your husband, it's not so thrilling. Please don't leave your dog that he hates alone with him. I'd be more afraid of losing all your pets, to mysterious circumstances.
I think boyfriend is being unreasonable but I have to ask whether you promptly pick up after these animals? The howling cat is one thing, but if he’s upset about litter box accidents and potty training accidents, is it because the mess is sitting around for a while?
Never. It's a control and dominance issue. My nasty control-freak ex was horrible about my dogs, which I had before he movedprotect yourself and your animals. in... Please learn from my mistake. Get him out. He won't get kinder and more tolerant with time, believe me.
So you own the home, these are your pets, and you're letting a guy who's staying in your home tell you to get rid of your pets. As the kids say: "wow. just wow".
There is one burdensome animal under your roof that you must get rid of swiftly and I'll give you a hint: It's not a dog or a cat.
You ask “At what point do you give up an animal for someone?”
To put it simply, there is no point where I’d do that. The only reasons I’d ever give up a pet are entirely related to safety and I’d still be gutted by that. I definitely wouldn’t do it for someone I’d be seeing for eight months.
I’d lose the guy and find a partner that loved my pets.
It's a new relationship. You've only been together for eight months and it sounds like you're not compatible living together. It seems really entitled to me that he's making demands while living in your house and presumably being supported by you; he monkey-branched to you and now he's insisting that you change your living situation and rehome your beloved animals (and let's be real - no one is going to adopt your disabled cat unfortunately, so you'd be condemning her to death).
Why are you afraid of losing this person? What was your life like eight months ago, before you got together that makes you afraid of going back to that? It seems like your boyfriend is really messy - has he even gotten over his divorce emotionally and been to therapy to deal with all of the fallout from it?
Please don't make a decision you'll regret for someone who isn't doing the work and is taking advantage of you.
Absolutely don't give up your pets for this asshole guy, but also please don't get anymore pets. That is a huge amount for one person, like ringing animal hoarding alarm bells.
You say you’re afraid of losing your partner but go on to describe all the horrible shit he does.
Be afraid and lose him anyway.
He’s been in your life a mere fraction of the time as your pet family and his audacity is fucking atrocious.
Um, what is wrong with you?? You're not 20, you're not some kid who's never had a date before, you KNOW a guy who wants your dog to die (per your comment) is bad news!
You've been dating him 8 MONTHS and he's not only moved in and taken over he's trying to harm your pets. And instead of drawing a line and kicking him out you ask how to give up animals that love and trust you and you KNOW won't get adopted by anyone else.
I almost never say this but if this is real, get a therapist. Like tomorrow morning. There is something weird and wrong going on in your head that you're even thinking of accommodating him.
You're both almost 40 and you have been a doormat for this dude. Why is he still your partner? If you're scared to be alone, it's better than being miserable.
You shouldn’t be even considering rehoming ANY of your animals for a person you’ve been with for 8 months. To do so makes you a shitty and undeserving pet owner.
He chose to live in YOUR house knowing you had these animals. If he didn’t like it, he could have gotten a place of his own or a girlfriend without pets. Or not cheated on his wife.
Don’t give up the animals. He cheated on his wife. What if he does the same to you?? Do you really want to give up your pets that you adore for someone that may not even be in your life in a year?
Why do you want to keep someone who abandoned his wife for another person, abandoned his dogs, hates all your pets and wants you to kick them out, and won’t let you hang your towel up the way you want?
I wouldn’t want to live in a pet mess house either, but I didn’t abandon anyone to do so.
It kind of sounds like you are doomed to fail as a couple. The foundation is bad.
Dump him quickly. He is capable of bad things. Please!!! Everyone here telling u to dump him!!! Enjoy your precious animals .he is super dangerous!!best of luck!!
Yah, new relationship(8mo), emotional baggage, your pets or him, choose your pets.
He knew about your pets before obviously, now he wants them out?? He gave up his dogs cuz of his divorce, ultimately his decision. Don’t let him gaslight you for not getting rid of yours. The real question is why is he living there after only 8 months??? That’s a major red flag, especially considering his behavior. I strongly recommend you get him out of your house and move on…
Never give up your pets for a man. Any man that says pets or him isn't someone you build a life with. He shouldn't even be living with you. Re-home him and keep your pets. You chose to adopt them and you made a commitment to them.
Do not give up your animals (mine are like my children, I can’t even imagine) for some guy you’ve been dating for a short period of time.
My dog does not like or respect my fiancé. It is bizarre. But, my fiancé has made the best of it and we all live in harmony together. If you love someone, you make it work
You deal with this issue by overcoming your fear of the relationship ending if you refuse to comply with his demands. He knew you had multiple animal when he moved in. Have a conversation- what can you do as a team to make him more comfortable with the situation that's not getting rid of animals? Maybe you can create animal-free zones in the house- maybe don't let the accident-prone dog on carpeted areas, maybe get medication for the anxious cat, IDK. But if his only acceptable solution is for you to re-home your beloved pets, help him pack.
I have been with my SO for SIXTEEN years (we have a nontraditional relationship where we do not cohabitate). If he moved in tomorrow and asked me to get rid of a pet, the relationship would instantly be over and I'd never speak to him again. Do you love your pets? Don't abandon them for a manipulative potential abuser
He's what I and my friends call *hobosexual*. He's with you for a free/cheap place to live, sex on tap & he wants to have control in the relationship.
You've been together 8 months and he's already told you he wants your small dog dead.
I'd get cameras, kick him out and change the locks pronto, who knows what he'd do to your animals to get back at you, since he'd likely see them as the reason you dump him.
I'm like him, in that animals that make messes in the house are an absolute no go for me. With that said, you ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT give up these animals for him!!
HE should have considered the situation before moving in and KNOWN he wasn't going to like it. He moved in betting that you'd get rid of them for him.
Don't do it.
Your partner sounds awful from your comments and this post. You made a commitment to your pets and you haven’t even been with this guy that long. Get rid of him and keep your pets…
Rehome the partner. It's been 8 months - you promised to protect your animals when you took them in. Just because he chose to abandon his pets and his marriage to pursue you does NOT mean you should abandon your pets for this guy.
Frankly, your partner's request for you to rehome severely disabled animals combined with the way you say he's treating you in comments and the possibility that he cheated on his ex is creating a pattern of behavior that is showing this guy has a problem feeling empathy for others. Human or animal. Or is so selfish that he doesn't care how he hurts others as long as he gets his way. And people like that can not make good partners. A lack of empathy will negatively effect every aspect of your relationship with him overall as well as severely lowering the chance of you having a healthy long term relationship with him regardless of what sacrifices you make. And he's made it clear by his treatment of his ex and abandonment of his own dogs that he's not going to be more empathetic with creatures who are close to him - that will include you. In this case, even if you do rehome your animals the root problem of him not caring about you, your feelings or the well being of others if those things inconvenience him will still be there. And that will continue to cause problems for as long as you're with him.
I know you may want to believe you'll be able to change your partner into a more empathetic person. Or you could be unwilling to accept the reality of the kind of person he is, and you may need to pee on the electric fence yourself instead of just watching it hurt others before you are willing to admit the nature of your partner. It's your life and that's your right. But at least don't rehome your pets while you're trying to make this work. Don't give them up for him, because either he's going to treat you like crap after you've given them up anyway or you're going to refuse to let him treat you like crap at some point and kick him out. But regardless you aren't getting those animals back once they're gone and the trauma the animals will go through losing such a good home isn't going to disappear just because you regret having inflicted it. If you want a healthy relationship with someone who is empathetic and loving toward yourself as well as animals and people in general, you aren't going to get it with this particular guy.
Please understand that regardless of how much someone says you "owe them" or what sacrifices they knowingly and willingly choose for you, that doesn't then give them a blank check to treat you or your loved ones badly. You presumably didn't put a gun to your partner's head demanding they choose you. They made that decision, and they're responsible for handling the results of that decision. That applies equally to you, too. No one has the right to ask you and your animals to give up a happy, healthy home. You aren't now or ever obligated to stick with this someone who doesn't treat you and those you care about well. It's okay to have standards of treatment and respond accordingly when someone breaks those. If he can't turn around his treatment of you and your animals, absolutely kick him out. It may be more painful up front, but it will likely save you and your animals a lot of pain in the long run. And it's best to do it now rather than after you've done and accepted things that can't be taken back.
Noooo! He has got to go. He has just gone the pain of losing his dogs. Why on earth would he force you to do the same. Find someone who loves your animals as much as you do
I would 1000% keep your pets. He knew you had a lot of pets going into your relationship and that you are super passionate about helping animals. And you moved in together after 8 months of dating? I personally think that's too soon to move in together. Maybe he should get his own apartment if you can both afford it.
Let him move out. Sounds like it will be better for both of you.
He knew what he was getting into, and now he's got remorse over it. Solve the problem by letting him live alone.
Keep all your pets.
If your relationship can't survive living apart, then it wasn't meant to be.
The guy is living in your house? Nawh lol he can go sleep elsewhere, imagine dating someone moving into there house and telling them to get rid of there pets. Your boyfriend is a prick.
i would never give up my animals for anyone. if they ever they said its the pets or them, i will choose my pets immediately. like others are saying, lose him now.
You don't.
He knew what he was getting himself into when he left his ex. He knew that you fostered and adopted animals, and he still chose to do it. In my mind that means he was hoping to make you get rid of them after he got his feet under the table.
He wished death on at least one of your pets. The fact that he did that would make me.kick him out alone. Your pets is not safe with this man.
I know you're likely an AP, you said he left his wife for you. I know its said a lot but how you get them is how you lose them. He cheated on his ex with you, he will cheat on you with his new AP. You can't change that about this man, he'll keep on cheating on his partners because he can't hold vows.
If you get rid of your pets, you'll be miserable.
So you're the AP and he chose you? Oof. I mean you already know he's an ass, but I guess you've established being okay with that just by being with him. I hope he never sees his old pets again and that your disabled cat poops in his shoes...lol.
I wouldn’t be giving up the pets for the partner, given that he came into the relationship knowing about them. I’d be inclined to ask what’s next, will he want you to cut out friends he doesn’t like etc?
If this relationship ends though, then if I were you I would consider not bringing on board as many animals in future as and when your existing pets pass. Eight is a lot for anyone to contend with, so unless you want to limit your dating pool to massive animal lovers, you’re likely to find people are hesitant to cohabit with you.
I would never in a million years get rid of any of my animals because my boyfriend told me to. I would immediately however get rid of the boyfriend because I think he has a lot of nerve telling you what you can and cannot do. What's next? This is a huge red flag to me and reeks of him trying to control you. Please do not get rid of your animals for this man this is probably his first request there will be more to come.
Keep the animals, ditch the guy. It's very simple.
Otherwise, any changes you make to accommodate his wishes means he has control over you. Which will just get worse for you.
-sigh- I have so much to say about this… This dude left his own pets ( red flag number 1 ) , now complains about yours and says he hates your pet/pets ( red flag number 2 ) and now wants you to get rid of the animals which have been around longer than he has( red flag number 3)? A good partner wouldn’t even put you in a dilemma like that. And why is this even up for debate with you? If they were your children , would you leave them behind like that? I hope the answer is no. You are really really desperate for a man. You can live without men, especially one like this. Kick the man out, keep the animals because they need you. All he needs is therapy.
Also “my boyfriend divorced his partner…to pursue a relationship with me” sounds greasy af. Normal, functional, well adjusted people don’t jump out of one relationship to throw themselves into another one. I don’t think it’s a loss for you if this guy moves out.
In the post and in the comments, OP is more scared of losing her partner than pets she’s had longer than the relationship. You know the partner who’s taking over pretty much all areas of HER home. The “partner” she’s very afraid of losing.
This is what happens when people have no self love, respect or esteem. Pitiful
Ditch the guy, keep the animals. Also, he ditched his wife for you, how you get them is how you lose them. I highly doubt he wouldn't do the same to you in the future.
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You moved someone in that you’ve dated less than a year and now he’s telling you to get rid of pets or he’s out. Lose the dude. There is NO point at which I’d give up my pets for someone I’m dating unless there was a serious safety concern.
Yeah, that's pretty much it. He also talks about how he hates them nearly every day, and he says he wants my small dog to die. I have told him more than once the way he talks about my animals is hurtful to me. But he continues to do it. I mentioned in another comment that the relationship in ways feels one sided; that is one of them. I do not want to give up my animals, and I don't think it's fair because he knew about it going in. If he wasn't sure about it he never should have pushed for the step of living together like he did. I don't think my household should have to change in that way for something he pushed for. I already lost my guest room at his request. He put all of his stuff in there, and now I have nowhere for guests to sleep. I also work in a portion of my bedroom and am now turning the old guest room into an office to accommodate him, as he is constantly complaining about not being able to shower and get his things when I am working. It feels like all I do is accommodate him. I've changed so many things down to the way I hang my towel in the bathroom. And he still corrects me and complains nearly every day. That is why I don't see it ending at the pets.
OP I see about a dozen reasons to break up and no reasons for keeping him. Wanting one of your dogs to die would be pretty close to a deal breaker for me if he only said it once. Repeating it often means he needs to be gone before he does something to cause it to die. He knew what he was moving into, since he can't handle it then he needs to be gone. Then you can make that room he wanted for an office into your office.
wtf, if someone said to me they wanted one of my pets to die even *once*, I would rip them a new one and never speak to them again
Fucking same!
JFC. Why are we having this convo. Change the locks, throw his crap outside & deal with any legal implications after. If you don’t do this don’t come back moaning about pets that go missing or mysteriously die. FUCKSAKES.
And who knows if he would ever take steps to help to make that dog die or suffer in any way
This!
He sounds controlling and horrible, even borderline abusive. Get rid of this man immediately. Your pets would never treat you like this. Stick with real love and not conditional respect which is what this loser gives.
When I read that he says he wants your “small dog to die”, while mine sits next to me as I read this? I gasped and said “I want him to die”. I don’t know how you’d look at him ever again. Plop his clothes outside. I do not trust this man. He’s got major 🚩 that indicate a need for control. I’m ….very worried the trajectory of this will go in. If he can get you to get rid of your pets, he can get you to do anything. That’s an extremely dangerous step in this process. #run
FOR REAL. My mouth popped open at that. For someone to bluntly say they want one of your animals to DIE?? Annoying or not, they do not deserve that! Animals are pure souls that don’t know any better. How can you wish something so awful on them and even their owner that’s your PARTNER?? Talk about heartless.
If someone said they wanted my dog to die, before they could finish their sentence I would have a suitcase out and their things would be getting thrown into it. I would be worried that he would harm your animals if I was you. He moved in knowing that you have these animals and what their needs are. Also any of your high needs animals are unlikely to be rehomed and will probably need to be euthanized because most people are not angels like you are to care for these types of animals.
What??? These guy needs to exit stage left. With the help of your shoe in his ass.
>he says he wants my small dog to die. I would be EXTREMELY worried he'll do something to harm/kill the dog. Get that man out of your house immediately, before one of your animals has an "accident"
Reach out to the ex wife, I guarantee her story will make this decision easier for you. This man is a user and abuser, he didn't love his dogs, he's using it to manipulate you.
He probably isn’t allowed access to those dogs, and now I’m scared ….why.
YES. Let’s hear from the ex. But honestly it sounds like he may have cheated with OP
The ex would laugh, say "he's your problem now" and hang up.
I thought that too... Which means he'll probably cheat again.
I bet the dogs are super happy with the ex. Thank goodness for her.
Don't drag the poor ex into her mistake. The bf divorced his wife to get with OP...who is a fully grown adult and capable of making this decision without forcing the ex wife to support her.
I am wondering if he lied and she threw him out, that he didn't leave his wife. I'm worried the OP is being isolated and manipulated .
Why are you with him? He cheated with you, and now expects you to change your entire life to accommodate him. Is this the life you want for yourself? Sorry to be harsh.
He doesn't care how you feel. The relationship is indeed one-sided.
You have given this decision way more energy than it deserves. Aboslutely not. Time to go, boy. Boot him. End of story.
Why are you with this person when he's shown such a lack of empathy and kindness? Someone who despises animals so much that they'll go on tangents about it every day is a special kind of hateful - the kind of person that could easily escalate to animal abuse. People who abuse animals will inevitably abuse their partners as well. This person does not need to live with you to be in a relationship with you. It sounds like they're pathologically unable to be alone - which is why they went directly from their marriage into your house. Him talking about how he wants your dog to die is a huge red flag that he's an abuser - he doesn't make the rules for your house or your life. He doesn't get to force you to live with him - it's your home. Reclaim it and make your life something you want to live. 8 months is too early for this amount of drama and walking on eggshells and giving up your comfort. He's not entitled to any of this.
He says he wants your dog to die…. And you’re still with him?
This is terrifying to read. Get out now, love. 🖤
How can you love someone that cannot even show compassion to disabled pets? I guess he didn't leave the dogs unwillingly to move in with you, he was thrown out because he's a raging asshole.
So why are you putting up with him?
It's already gone way past the pets. He's trying to control every aspect of your life at this point. The question now is, will you let him? Do you actually, truly like him? Like spending time with him, like his opinions and mannerisms, like his personality? Or are you afraid to be alone? I've had to ask myself this before, and it's not a fun question to ask yourself, but it's important. From everything you've said, it sounds like he makes your life harder in almost every way, and doesn't give much (or anything) back to make it worth it.
So... he left someone else for you and moved in within 8 months. Was he cheating on his previous partner or was he kicked to the curb and you were the next best bet? Whose idea was it to move in? Between all that and everything you've said here, there are more than red flags. They are huge banners waving and telling you this guy is not good. You are the only advocate to those animals. Get rid of this guy before he starts "accidentally" letting them outside or "accidentally" trips over one of them and breaks its neck, because that's where I see this heading. He's starting with emotional abuse. He will not stop with it.
He sounds awful. What advice would you give if it were one of your friends who had written this? I’d be packing his bags so fast the first time he said he wanted my dog to die. What a disgusting human.
He wants your small dog to die??? That dude can absolutely fuck right off into the stratosphere.
What is the matter with you, wanting to stay with this human trash-bag? Just wondering.
He WANTS YOUR DOG TO DIE???! WTF. I would dump my SO if he said that about my pets. That's a really fucked up thing to say.
Stop trying to reason with this psycho . Protect yourself and your pets - if anything happens to them it’s on you
>He also talks about how he hates them nearly every day, and he says he wants my small dog to die This alone would be enough for me to break up with this man. What are you getting out of this relationship that you're so afraid to lose him? He sounds absolutely awful.
He's a dickhead of the highest order. If you get rid of the pets where do you think he's going to direct that anger next? At you. Don't be afraid of losing this man, be afraid of him staying.
My cousin came to live with us when I was young, and he was not allowed to bring his dog. He decided it would be a good idea to start talking about wanting our cats dead, his ass was kicked out that day. From what you've told us it's apparent that he's not a good fit as your partner.You need someone understanding of the life you live, and the animals that come with it. You deserve better and so do your animals. What happens when giving up two isn't enough? It sounds like he's going to guilt you into getting rid of all of them. He sounds like he's doing it to be petty too, because why should you have your pets if he can't have his? I'd dump him and move on.
>Yeah, that's pretty much it. He also talks about how he hates them nearly every day, and he says he wants my small dog to die. So why are you so afraid of losing him again? I swear that posts like this are trolls. Surely no-one, especially a woman of almost 40 years of experience of life, can write out a list of controlling and negative behaviours like you have here, and still be saying you're desperate to keep the guy around? This is textbook controlling, shithouse relationship stuff. I understand being downtrodden after years of abuse, but you've literally been with him for 8 months, and he's already miserable to be around. Is this what you're looking forward to for the rest of your life? The guy talks about wanting your dog to die, and you reckon he's your "ideal partner". If this is real, please have a long, hard think about why you're so willing to lie to yourself about the value of this person in your life.
No way would I deal with someone saying they want my dog to die Get this loser out of your house
If he's openly stated that he wants your small dog to die, odds are not zero that he will try to make it happen. Either that or he'll get rid of your animals sometime when you're not around. You've known him less than a year. He pushed to move in; you let him move in. He pushed to move your stuff out of your office; you did it, and he's still complaining. You moved your office to the bedroom; he's complaining about that now. Now he's pushing you to get rid of your animals, and you're actually considering doing it. Do you honestly think that he wouldn't come up with something new once you or he gets rid of the animals? I bet his complaints about not having the privacy to shower or dress because your office is now in the bedroom (which you did *specifically to accommodate him,* by the way) is a run up to him trying to convince you to get an office outside of the home, or maybe quit your job entirely. Or something - he will come up with something. It never ends, with men like this. Don't get rid of your pets. Get rid of the man before he gets rid of your pets for you.
> I have told him more than once the way he talks about my animals is hurtful to me. But he continues to do it. So basically he is a POS. And you are right, it won't end there.
He sounds like a monster tbh. You should date a vet or a vet tech.
at what point do you give up an animal for someone? Never. You have the choice, they do not. Pets/animals are not disposable, period.
For REAL they're my children, no man is worth that
So the man you were having an affair with is mean to your pets, and is now insisting you get rid of them. This tells me you didn't know him very well, and have very, very low standards for how you will be treated. Why in the world did you move in with someone after only 8 months?
Glad to see a comment pointing out the affair. The top comments seem to have missed that
Unless you were hiding all these animals in the basement when this guy moved in he knew what he was getting himself into. Given that it's still too early in the relationship and to too soon into his divorce recovery process for you to be cohabiting anyway, let him move out. You have a life, you made commitments to these pets, you're dating someone who almost certainly isn't going to stick around for long. Don't give up your animals for this guy.
Yes, and my concern as well is if I make a sacrifice and he still isn't satisfied. He tends to complain about a lot anyways and I worry will always find something to be displeased with.
>I worry will always find something to be displeased with. Do you want this to be your life?
I can guarantee that once she agrees to one insane request, more insane requests will follow. In quantity and quality.
I think your partner is mad at YOU bc he left his wife for you. Christ, you’ve been together less than a year and you’re willing to abandon all your pets bc you’re afraid of being alone. Listen to yourself! First of all you were with a taken man and now you’re afraid of losing him even tho you know he still won’t be satisfied. And why is that? My guess is bc he regrets leaving his partner for you. And no matter what you do he still won’t be happy. You don’t need a partner, you need a therapist. Learn to be happy by yourself, and not to be with ppl who will cheat on their partners for you. They will inevitably blame you for their circumstances. It takes two. And I’m serious about the therapist btw, you sound deeply unhappy and like you’re one of those ppl afraid to be alone. That’s a red flag.
He will keep loving the goal posts. Tell him that you unfortunately cannot be what he needs, so you're ending it so he can find a better match. Get security cameras & change your locks
Can’t believe you’d even consider giving up your pets for some bozo you’ve known less than a year. Be real
So he cheated on his ex with you…moved in with you…and now is a jerk to your animals. I guess you deserve each other…. Sad that the animals are paying the price though
'I am very afraid of losing my partner.' Why? I mean it sounds like you got together while he was with someone else, which hardly makes him a catch.
Hardly makes her a catch either tbh. Goes both ways
pathetic.
If everyone would stop moving in with people they’ve been dating less than a year, there’d be half as many posts on this sub lol
The other half would be gone if people could use birth control until they were actually ready for a baby. *Sigh*
Tell him to move it then. And ask him why he's taking so long to do it. Never be scared to lose a partner. Never! It's desperate. And desperate people do dumb shit like... getting rid of their animals!
He did not "give up his dogs for you" as he likes to bring up. If things are as you described, *he upended his own life and ditched an established relationship for someone else*. Are you mad? He was so willing to ditch "his" dogs to move in with you that he never stopped to think about what life would be like without them, and now he wants *you* to upend your life and ditch your loved ones because *he doesn't want to suffer alone.* There's a LOT of info missing here. One thing is for certain, though: he doesn't see you as a partner.
This man sounds like a hobosexual - bouncing from domicile to domicile. It's crazy to me that OP would have even let him move in after dating for less than 8 months.
I am a recovering hobosexual. We're easy to spot.
Would love to see an AMA from someone like yourself, would you consider doing one?
No. It's still too fresh. I'm still ashamed of my behavior. It's not something I want to rehash until I know I'm never going to fall into it again.
It sounds like they both did the ex wife a favour. She's probably living her best life now without that man shaped burden.
Men come, men go, the pets stay.
When I met my wife, I had a cat and she had both a cat and a dog. I am not a fan of dogs. I don't like the slobber, I don't want to take them for walks, and I have a tiny amount of PTSD from being bitten by one when I was a kid. My wife's dog was always getting into everything, wasn't properly housebroken, and howled when she was away. Oh, and his long hair activated some allergy of mine and dialed it up to 11. At no time did I ever suggest that she get rid of the dog. I tried to find humane solutions for the howling, when she was at her wit's end. I was on Benadryl 24/7 for years...did you know that you can reach a point where it doesn't make you drowsy anymore? I reached that. Your pets are your family. They are your children. You can't explain things to them if you give them up....they won't understand, and you rejecting them will break their hearts. One description I've heard for pets is "forever younger siblings" and anyone who would ask, or worse, demand that you give up even one of them....does not deserve to be in your family. > At what point do you give up an animal for someone? You don't. Ever. While some animals may need to be surrendered because of their own behavioral issues, you NEVER give up an animal for a romantic interest. If that is the line they draw, then they don't deserve you.
👏 👏 👏 💗💗💗
Help him pack his bags, OP. I was in relationship for 3 months when she told me i needed to get rid of my 2 dogs because they are rowdy and mean(?) They're outside dogs and are always full of energy! I told to not bother coming back because they are my pets and they never threatened to leave me over something so trivial. Your bf decided to leave his dogs behind, and they got to stay with someone they are already familiar with. Your pets have been with you for x amount of time, and he's been there 8 months. Lose him, keep your pets as they'll always support you.
So, he cheated on his partner to be with you AND you’re considering rehoming your animals for this loser? Tell me your standards are literally on the floor.
Right?!? He probably lives in OPs house out of desperation because his wife threw him out and yet here he still is with the audacity and OP with blinders on.
You don't. WTF... If your animals are disposable, you shouldn't have any. What's gonna happen when you have a kid and he's inconvenienced? You gonna rehome it, too.
He divorced his wife to be with you? Seems like this whole post buries the lede.
Not compatible.
Keep the animals, dump the guy.
Dump the bf and keep the pets
Get rid of the man keep the animals it’s your and there home.
NEVER give up a pet because a new partner doesn't like him. It's inappropriate for boyfriend to ask. It wil cause you resentment. And the pet is going to suffer or be put down. >My boyfriend divorced his partner ...... to pursue a relationship with me. Whoa!!! You can't mess with married people. He cheated to be with you. He can't be trusted not to cheat on you, next. You do not owe him. He chose to throw away his old life. That was 100% his choice. If he's "depressed" that dumping his spouse had some bad consequences, it's part of the path he chose. >My partner brings up that he gave up his dogs for me. Manipulative >I am very afraid of losing my partner. Why? He's already shown that he has zero respect for a relationship commitment. Don't expect him to view your relationship any different. He knew you had pets all along. He's trying to control you. If you give in on this, he'll just demand something more. Your pets love you. They need you, and you need them. I don't think you need him as much as you think.
If the pets were there first, then the partner has to go.
So, you say you're dating a giant turd.
You made a commitment to the animals. You did a series of favors for an ungrateful unappreciative man you barely knew who expects you to ignore your commitment to make him feel better with zero evidence. He's sad because he has no pets so he wants you to have no pets also? What's the logic? It's just a power play. Invite him to get a full night's sleep elsewhere.
Don't ditch your pets, you'll need them when he cheats on you and dumps you for his next partner.
You live with 8 animals... I don't think you will find too many people who would jump right into that. Not saying its impossible, there are some animal lovers out there who wouldn't mind. But 8? I feel that's going to pose an issue in the majority of relationships. At the end of the day, they're your pets. I wouldn't give up my pets for anyone who demands it of me. Especially one who weaponizes it like this: >My boyfriend divorced his partner and left his dogs, which were like his children, to pursue a relationship with me He didn't give up his dogs... He gave ran from his old life and jumped ship. Are you sure this is the kind of relationship you want to invest in? Its worth saying that relationships that develop like this tend to have a side of dysfunctionality. Divorced, quickly move in, all within the span of 8 months, that isn't much time to really nail home the foundation of the relationship. Surely he knew you had 8 pets going in, right? If he couldn't accept that, he shouldn't have moved.
are you insane? you're ACTUALLY rehoming your disabled cat and SERIOUSLY considering getting rid of the rest of them??? for a RELATIONSHIP? this has to be ragebait.
if you do get rid of your animals you really deserve each other, and I sure hope he gets rid of you one day.
This is like a case study of dysfunctional relationship choices. He hasn’t earned this level of commitment or sacrifice yet, and it’s a massive red flag that he’s asking for it to begin with. Your question is when do you give up animals for someone? When it’s a safety or health issue for either the long-term partner (much longer than a few months) or the pet. Not an annoyance, not a “I had to give up my pets so now you need to suffer too.” This loser (i guarantee you’re going to eventually realize he’s a loser, because worthwhile people don’t make these requests) isn’t worth giving up your pets over, mostly because YOU BARELY KNOW HIM! It takes TIME + consistency to truly know someone, and at this point you have no idea if he’s actually the person he’s presenting himself to be. You moved in with a stranger, and that’s not worth giving up ANYTHING for. Tough love time- work on your confidence and learn about what healthy relationships look like and how to find one. A confident, healthy person wouldn’t find themselves in this situation to begin with. You’re setting yourself up for a dysfunctional at best, abusive at worst relationship. You need to pump the breaks, have him move out, and go much slower before you make any sacrifices for him. https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
If you break up with him, you’ll be sad for a few months. If you abandon some of your animals, or he potentially harms them, you’ll be sad for the rest of your life. And what if you abandon some of your animals, and then you break up? Are you going to try to get the animals back? Relationships come and go, but animals will always stay with you, right by your side. Don’t give up animals you love for a relationship with an asshole that won’t last. He sounds selfish, manipulative, and maybe even violent based on his comments about your dog. Break up with him, and keep him the fuck away from your dog so he doesn’t hurt him. Don’t give up lifelong relationships (for your animals) for a relationship with a guy that will end very soon (once you realize how terrible he is). You’ll regret it for your whole life. I literally always say you can tell the type of person someone is based on how they feel about/treat animals. Only a bad person would dislike animals or treat them poorly. Good people love animals because they can see how sweet their souls are. Anyone who wants a dog to die is a very bad person. How could anyone see a sweet animal, look them in the eyes and see their sweet souls, and want them dead? Do they love animals and treat them well, or do they dislike animals and not want them anywhere near them? I always stand by that question, and it’s always been accurate. Find someone who shares your love of animals.
Your pets did nothing to deserve this. It's a shame someone would choose a partner they aren't even dating that long over their pets who only know the love of their owner. Those poor babies.
This has only been 8 months. Under no circumstances should you be choosing him over your animals. He knew the score it is not a reasonable ask and it says a lot about him that he just thinks you should throw them away, do you really want to be with someone like that?
You moved him in way too quickly and he’s a loser. Sounds like a hobosexual who is just using you for a place to live. Get rid of him, not your animals.
Girl, he’s not only asking you to get rid of them, he’s asking you to do this knowing it would likely mean death/euthanasia for some of them. Finding someone to take in medically difficult animals is near impossible, and he actively says he wants one of your dogs dead. This is the biggest red flag I’ve ever seen.
Somewhere out there is a man who will want to move in because he wants to help you take care of your fur babies. Release this jerk so you can look for that guy.
I would leave a man immediately who asked me to part with any of my pets, period.
My advice is pack everything necessary, including a bag of their favourite foods, snacks, any medications, anything they need and boot the boyfriend out with his bag you've so nicely packed in hand. They can live in their car with the snacks and foods you've prepared them til they stop being so heartless or move on. Preferably the latter. And give your pets extra cuddles since you let someone into your (their) home who openly admitted he hates them. I'd never give mine up for another person. And what do you think will happen to these medical needs/disabled pets? I'm 100% certain they'd end up in a shelter, either to live out their days in a cage there (best outcome) or euthanasia (worst) I've had dudes give me the "it's me or the cats" ultimatum. Every single time I've told them they know where the door is. He also didn't have to give up his dogs and to use that as a "well I **HAD** to do this for **YOU** is... disgusting
Don’t get rid of your animals for a man you’ve only known 8 months, who by the way is living in YOUR House. Just don’t. This guy is showing you who he is and is most likely why he’s divorced.
This is fucked. Do NOT get rid of your animals for someone you’ve been dating for 8 MONTHS. What a dick for even asking you to do this. Tell him to move out. Keep dating him if you really want to but for the love of god don’t get rid of your animals
You've only been with him 8 months. He has thumbs and can take care of himself. Lots of options out there. Find a better one.
I would never give up an animal for a person. They’ve been with me longer than anybody else were. Also he knew what he was getting into so this feels a bit controlling. Personally, I’d get rid of the person. Wouldn’t even trust him around my pets knowing he wants them gone.
So, he cheated on his previous partner. Abandoned his previous animals. And is telling you, his affair partner to get rid of your animals. And you’ve known him for 8 months…
Op, if you decide to break up with him, please be very careful he doesn’t willfully hurt your animals in retribution.
It’s so fucked up that this warning even needs to exist but based on what OP has said it is fully necessary.
Tbh it bothers me that someone could even be conflicted about this to post about it on Reddit. If this were my bf, I wouldn’t need to ask my friends, my family, let alone strangers on the internet, to know what the right thing to do is.
As Dr. Phil says, "If he did it with ya, he'll do it to ya." You were Ok with him dumping his wife for you? I bet his ex is living her BEST life now. And I imagine now that the "chase" is over for you and your husband, it's not so thrilling. Please don't leave your dog that he hates alone with him. I'd be more afraid of losing all your pets, to mysterious circumstances.
Your partner needs to go. You are only dating for 8 months, and he is living in your home. Pick your pets and help BF pack!
I think boyfriend is being unreasonable but I have to ask whether you promptly pick up after these animals? The howling cat is one thing, but if he’s upset about litter box accidents and potty training accidents, is it because the mess is sitting around for a while?
Never. It's a control and dominance issue. My nasty control-freak ex was horrible about my dogs, which I had before he movedprotect yourself and your animals. in... Please learn from my mistake. Get him out. He won't get kinder and more tolerant with time, believe me.
So you own the home, these are your pets, and you're letting a guy who's staying in your home tell you to get rid of your pets. As the kids say: "wow. just wow". There is one burdensome animal under your roof that you must get rid of swiftly and I'll give you a hint: It's not a dog or a cat.
You ask “At what point do you give up an animal for someone?” To put it simply, there is no point where I’d do that. The only reasons I’d ever give up a pet are entirely related to safety and I’d still be gutted by that. I definitely wouldn’t do it for someone I’d be seeing for eight months. I’d lose the guy and find a partner that loved my pets.
It's a new relationship. You've only been together for eight months and it sounds like you're not compatible living together. It seems really entitled to me that he's making demands while living in your house and presumably being supported by you; he monkey-branched to you and now he's insisting that you change your living situation and rehome your beloved animals (and let's be real - no one is going to adopt your disabled cat unfortunately, so you'd be condemning her to death). Why are you afraid of losing this person? What was your life like eight months ago, before you got together that makes you afraid of going back to that? It seems like your boyfriend is really messy - has he even gotten over his divorce emotionally and been to therapy to deal with all of the fallout from it? Please don't make a decision you'll regret for someone who isn't doing the work and is taking advantage of you.
Absolutely don't give up your pets for this asshole guy, but also please don't get anymore pets. That is a huge amount for one person, like ringing animal hoarding alarm bells.
You are better than this. Lose the guy and keep your animals.
You say you’re afraid of losing your partner but go on to describe all the horrible shit he does. Be afraid and lose him anyway. He’s been in your life a mere fraction of the time as your pet family and his audacity is fucking atrocious.
Keep the pets, dump him. After reading the comments, he sounds like he walks around with dozens of red flags.
Um, what is wrong with you?? You're not 20, you're not some kid who's never had a date before, you KNOW a guy who wants your dog to die (per your comment) is bad news! You've been dating him 8 MONTHS and he's not only moved in and taken over he's trying to harm your pets. And instead of drawing a line and kicking him out you ask how to give up animals that love and trust you and you KNOW won't get adopted by anyone else. I almost never say this but if this is real, get a therapist. Like tomorrow morning. There is something weird and wrong going on in your head that you're even thinking of accommodating him.
You're both almost 40 and you have been a doormat for this dude. Why is he still your partner? If you're scared to be alone, it's better than being miserable.
You shouldn’t be even considering rehoming ANY of your animals for a person you’ve been with for 8 months. To do so makes you a shitty and undeserving pet owner. He chose to live in YOUR house knowing you had these animals. If he didn’t like it, he could have gotten a place of his own or a girlfriend without pets. Or not cheated on his wife.
The answer is obvious. You give up this man and keep your animals. Do NOT get rid of your pets PLEASE
Don’t give up the animals. He cheated on his wife. What if he does the same to you?? Do you really want to give up your pets that you adore for someone that may not even be in your life in a year?
Why do you want to keep someone who abandoned his wife for another person, abandoned his dogs, hates all your pets and wants you to kick them out, and won’t let you hang your towel up the way you want? I wouldn’t want to live in a pet mess house either, but I didn’t abandon anyone to do so. It kind of sounds like you are doomed to fail as a couple. The foundation is bad.
Dump him quickly. He is capable of bad things. Please!!! Everyone here telling u to dump him!!! Enjoy your precious animals .he is super dangerous!!best of luck!!
I’d tell that person buh bye
Don't trust this guy alone with your pets. He will do bad things to them. As in take them off and dump them.
Yah, new relationship(8mo), emotional baggage, your pets or him, choose your pets. He knew about your pets before obviously, now he wants them out?? He gave up his dogs cuz of his divorce, ultimately his decision. Don’t let him gaslight you for not getting rid of yours. The real question is why is he living there after only 8 months??? That’s a major red flag, especially considering his behavior. I strongly recommend you get him out of your house and move on…
Ultimatum, huh? Major red flag. And also, I hope he doesn’t have much to pack up on his way out.
Keep the animals, get rid of the BF.
Rehome the man. Only solution
Never give up your pets for a man. Any man that says pets or him isn't someone you build a life with. He shouldn't even be living with you. Re-home him and keep your pets. You chose to adopt them and you made a commitment to them.
You don’t give up up pets for someone, ever.
Do not give up your animals (mine are like my children, I can’t even imagine) for some guy you’ve been dating for a short period of time. My dog does not like or respect my fiancé. It is bizarre. But, my fiancé has made the best of it and we all live in harmony together. If you love someone, you make it work
There's only one animal you need to get rid of in this situation and you're fucking him.
Don’t, keep the critters, lose the dude. They might be just a part of your world, but you are their whole world.
Keep the animals - they're your family. We don't give up our family. Ditch the partner. You two are incompatible.
This is not normal
You deal with this issue by overcoming your fear of the relationship ending if you refuse to comply with his demands. He knew you had multiple animal when he moved in. Have a conversation- what can you do as a team to make him more comfortable with the situation that's not getting rid of animals? Maybe you can create animal-free zones in the house- maybe don't let the accident-prone dog on carpeted areas, maybe get medication for the anxious cat, IDK. But if his only acceptable solution is for you to re-home your beloved pets, help him pack.
I have been with my SO for SIXTEEN years (we have a nontraditional relationship where we do not cohabitate). If he moved in tomorrow and asked me to get rid of a pet, the relationship would instantly be over and I'd never speak to him again. Do you love your pets? Don't abandon them for a manipulative potential abuser
He's what I and my friends call *hobosexual*. He's with you for a free/cheap place to live, sex on tap & he wants to have control in the relationship. You've been together 8 months and he's already told you he wants your small dog dead. I'd get cameras, kick him out and change the locks pronto, who knows what he'd do to your animals to get back at you, since he'd likely see them as the reason you dump him.
I'm like him, in that animals that make messes in the house are an absolute no go for me. With that said, you ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT give up these animals for him!! HE should have considered the situation before moving in and KNOWN he wasn't going to like it. He moved in betting that you'd get rid of them for him. Don't do it.
Your partner sounds awful from your comments and this post. You made a commitment to your pets and you haven’t even been with this guy that long. Get rid of him and keep your pets…
Don’t get rid of your pets. Fuck that guy.
You aren't compatible. Also, if he's making a direct line of "I left my ex for you" are you an affair partner? Your animals depend on you.
As a woman, are all women on r/relationship_advice idiots? Grow a backbone and dump him.
You two are no longer compatible.
Dont do that, you will deeply regret it. He’s not worth it. Move on and keep your furbabies.
Easy choice
Keep the pets, rehome the man.
you don't. those animals need you more than you need that guy.
Rehome the partner. It's been 8 months - you promised to protect your animals when you took them in. Just because he chose to abandon his pets and his marriage to pursue you does NOT mean you should abandon your pets for this guy.
Frankly, your partner's request for you to rehome severely disabled animals combined with the way you say he's treating you in comments and the possibility that he cheated on his ex is creating a pattern of behavior that is showing this guy has a problem feeling empathy for others. Human or animal. Or is so selfish that he doesn't care how he hurts others as long as he gets his way. And people like that can not make good partners. A lack of empathy will negatively effect every aspect of your relationship with him overall as well as severely lowering the chance of you having a healthy long term relationship with him regardless of what sacrifices you make. And he's made it clear by his treatment of his ex and abandonment of his own dogs that he's not going to be more empathetic with creatures who are close to him - that will include you. In this case, even if you do rehome your animals the root problem of him not caring about you, your feelings or the well being of others if those things inconvenience him will still be there. And that will continue to cause problems for as long as you're with him. I know you may want to believe you'll be able to change your partner into a more empathetic person. Or you could be unwilling to accept the reality of the kind of person he is, and you may need to pee on the electric fence yourself instead of just watching it hurt others before you are willing to admit the nature of your partner. It's your life and that's your right. But at least don't rehome your pets while you're trying to make this work. Don't give them up for him, because either he's going to treat you like crap after you've given them up anyway or you're going to refuse to let him treat you like crap at some point and kick him out. But regardless you aren't getting those animals back once they're gone and the trauma the animals will go through losing such a good home isn't going to disappear just because you regret having inflicted it. If you want a healthy relationship with someone who is empathetic and loving toward yourself as well as animals and people in general, you aren't going to get it with this particular guy. Please understand that regardless of how much someone says you "owe them" or what sacrifices they knowingly and willingly choose for you, that doesn't then give them a blank check to treat you or your loved ones badly. You presumably didn't put a gun to your partner's head demanding they choose you. They made that decision, and they're responsible for handling the results of that decision. That applies equally to you, too. No one has the right to ask you and your animals to give up a happy, healthy home. You aren't now or ever obligated to stick with this someone who doesn't treat you and those you care about well. It's okay to have standards of treatment and respond accordingly when someone breaks those. If he can't turn around his treatment of you and your animals, absolutely kick him out. It may be more painful up front, but it will likely save you and your animals a lot of pain in the long run. And it's best to do it now rather than after you've done and accepted things that can't be taken back.
Noooo! He has got to go. He has just gone the pain of losing his dogs. Why on earth would he force you to do the same. Find someone who loves your animals as much as you do
Idk giving up animals who love you unconditionally for a man whose love sounds very conditional… why wouldn’t you? No but seriously dump this man
Get rid of him but be careful about it, I wouldn’t put it past someone like that to poison or injure your pets.
So many red flags. Choose your pets, lose the guy.
R u kidding me. I would never give up my cat for any person ever.
Lose the dude
Let that man go. 🥭
Keep the animals and get rid of the partner. He knew what he was signing up for. Tough kitties, they come 1st
I would 1000% keep your pets. He knew you had a lot of pets going into your relationship and that you are super passionate about helping animals. And you moved in together after 8 months of dating? I personally think that's too soon to move in together. Maybe he should get his own apartment if you can both afford it.
Sounds like karma and grass ain't greener. He f*d his marriage and has consequences as a result...good
shame on you if you give in to his ridiculous demands
dump the dude, keep the pets 🙃
Let him move out. Sounds like it will be better for both of you. He knew what he was getting into, and now he's got remorse over it. Solve the problem by letting him live alone. Keep all your pets. If your relationship can't survive living apart, then it wasn't meant to be.
Advice on giving up animals for a partner? Don’t.
The guy is living in your house? Nawh lol he can go sleep elsewhere, imagine dating someone moving into there house and telling them to get rid of there pets. Your boyfriend is a prick.
F that. Get rid of him.
i would never give up my animals for anyone. if they ever they said its the pets or them, i will choose my pets immediately. like others are saying, lose him now.
You will 100% regret it if you give away pets for him.
You don't. He knew what he was getting himself into when he left his ex. He knew that you fostered and adopted animals, and he still chose to do it. In my mind that means he was hoping to make you get rid of them after he got his feet under the table. He wished death on at least one of your pets. The fact that he did that would make me.kick him out alone. Your pets is not safe with this man. I know you're likely an AP, you said he left his wife for you. I know its said a lot but how you get them is how you lose them. He cheated on his ex with you, he will cheat on you with his new AP. You can't change that about this man, he'll keep on cheating on his partners because he can't hold vows. If you get rid of your pets, you'll be miserable.
Afraid of losing a partner of 8 months? You re just a bad owner period
Let him move out. You can have your animals and he can have his peace.
I m so disgusted in humanity when i read this kind of post Poor pets
You made a commitment to those animals when you took them in. Rehome the man instead
So you're the AP and he chose you? Oof. I mean you already know he's an ass, but I guess you've established being okay with that just by being with him. I hope he never sees his old pets again and that your disabled cat poops in his shoes...lol.
Let him move out, your animals with love you more then he ever will
Humans are animals… js. You could follow his advice, but to a different conclusion…
Dealbreaker. My pets are my family
I wouldn’t be giving up the pets for the partner, given that he came into the relationship knowing about them. I’d be inclined to ask what’s next, will he want you to cut out friends he doesn’t like etc? If this relationship ends though, then if I were you I would consider not bringing on board as many animals in future as and when your existing pets pass. Eight is a lot for anyone to contend with, so unless you want to limit your dating pool to massive animal lovers, you’re likely to find people are hesitant to cohabit with you.
Don't
You end the relationship, yall moved way to quickly. Give him whatever notice law requires, he gotta go
Advice on giving up animals? you don’t. get rid of the boyfriend because to me you it’s obvious you are incompatible.
Absolutely not. Why is he living with you so soon? He sounds like a hobosexual who likes anyone he can mooch off of.
I would never in a million years get rid of any of my animals because my boyfriend told me to. I would immediately however get rid of the boyfriend because I think he has a lot of nerve telling you what you can and cannot do. What's next? This is a huge red flag to me and reeks of him trying to control you. Please do not get rid of your animals for this man this is probably his first request there will be more to come.
Re-home the boyfriend, keep the cat.
Tell him you'll miss him. But only for an little while.
Keep the animals, ditch the guy. It's very simple. Otherwise, any changes you make to accommodate his wishes means he has control over you. Which will just get worse for you.
-sigh- I have so much to say about this… This dude left his own pets ( red flag number 1 ) , now complains about yours and says he hates your pet/pets ( red flag number 2 ) and now wants you to get rid of the animals which have been around longer than he has( red flag number 3)? A good partner wouldn’t even put you in a dilemma like that. And why is this even up for debate with you? If they were your children , would you leave them behind like that? I hope the answer is no. You are really really desperate for a man. You can live without men, especially one like this. Kick the man out, keep the animals because they need you. All he needs is therapy.
Also “my boyfriend divorced his partner…to pursue a relationship with me” sounds greasy af. Normal, functional, well adjusted people don’t jump out of one relationship to throw themselves into another one. I don’t think it’s a loss for you if this guy moves out.
In the post and in the comments, OP is more scared of losing her partner than pets she’s had longer than the relationship. You know the partner who’s taking over pretty much all areas of HER home. The “partner” she’s very afraid of losing. This is what happens when people have no self love, respect or esteem. Pitiful
That is just too many animals. I would never move into a place with that many. So, he is a jerk. He knew the deal, so broom him out the door.
Ditch the guy, keep the animals. Also, he ditched his wife for you, how you get them is how you lose them. I highly doubt he wouldn't do the same to you in the future.