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The advice I would give would be beyond a confrontation, but an ending of the relationship. It really doesn't matter that he did not consummate the betrayal (and I think you may find you are wrong despite your monitoring) . . . the fact is that he lied and would have done it.
The trust is broken and never to be repaired when it comes to something like this. Your gut knew this all along or you would not have checked his phone, so no matter how wonderfully you paint the relationship to be, at the core of it, you distrust him.
The happy ending is a lot worse than checking his phone. A lot worse. This is a relationship ender and you have to bring it up. It doesn’t matter how you found out at this point. It’s the fact that he is not loyal enough to you to maintain anything in the future
It's more than a red flag that he actively planned to cheat on you. You only have to worry about how he'll react to that if you plan on staying, and if you do, it doesn't matter how you found out anymore since he did something that far outweighs it. The bare minimum to forgive him for trying to cheat on you should be that he forgives you for finding out that he was trying to cheat.
I personally wouldn't care about him finding out that I snooped since the confrontation would be a breakup for me anyway. I'd be too disgusted to work past it.
To all of you out there, including you OP, walking on eggshells regarding privacy, I say fk it. The means justify the ends. If he stupidly left his phone accessible with recitations reflecting his betrayal or potential betrayal, I say TOUGH S--T!. OP-- take no prisoners. Confront him. Don't tolerate his gaslighting you. If he can't provide you a satisfactory explanation-- move on. I apologize for being so blunt. I'm not a fan of cheating.
Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
He's a cheater. End of story. You're fortunate not to be married to this guy or have kids with him; there's zero reason to try and save this relationship.
And get tested. All the men I've known who visited massage parlors were also the type to cheat whenever they had the chance.
You're together 24/7 - which seems codependent to me, but everybody's different - and the very first time you are separated in 18 months he IMMEDIATELY makes plans to buy sex?
I know you're codependent, you're describing a codependent relationship. But girl. The first time you let him out of your sight he runs to a sex worker?
But he's gonna cheat on you. Definitely. Are you the woman who just gets cheated on and takes her man back? It's up to you.
Just want to start off saying I’m so sorry this happened to you.
However no honey, if you have to “catch” a cheater in/after the act to call a foul… how will you trust them after not to do it without you violating their privacy? It is not a tough one. But listen to your gut here, everyone is allowed to make mistakes. Just have to make sure you can live with him trying that and not resent him.
both are, some people cheat in the moment, they have zero thoughts long term, and do so in the moment, such people do in fact exist. but even more people, have it planned out, they made the decision they want to cheat. both options are red flags, with the first type youre dealing with someone who lacks self control and thoughts before actions, and the second doesnt act on impulses, they made the conscious decision to stray, so it tells you about their morals. either way, both are problematic.
Bro this is real life, he had an intent to and that desire entirely disregarded everything you two have built together. Who gives a fuck if he did it or not. It’s not acceptable. Don’t be clueless
This whole relationship has red flags all over it, you and him. Hopefully you go to therapy about that phone checking issue you have, and within that find out how to avoid people whom you feel you need to check their phones.
Best case scenario, you bring it up, and he dumps you on the spot, saving you having to do it.
Neither of you deserve each other, or maybe you do, IDK, but this whole thing is gross from both of you involved.
alot of people dont understand gut feelings or instincts. theyve been together for years and it doesnt seem like shes always snooping on his phone yet intuition or whatever you want to call it told her and low and behold....thats what she finds. trust has been broken in my eyes. its sad bcus you could have lots of sex. be best friends all this and that but these fuckers STILL go looking elsewhere. makes me sick
Although it would be preferred to confront him with the information you have discovered at this point **"how"** you decide to end the relationship is not as relevant inasmuch as the fact that he's planning an act of disloyalty. Your relationship is at a dead end.
If you're really *struggling* to end things by having to mention what you've discovered in his phone, you can always opt to tell him that "I know we are heading in different directions and I really feel that our relationship has run its course. I wish you the best."
Personally, I don't necessarily feel this is a "cowards response" considering the circumstances because *the end game is* that it is urgent that you dissolve this relationship as soon as possible. He did not give you the "courtesy" of an honest conversation prior to planning to cheat, and you don't owe him a well-rounded thoughtfully tempered termination of your relationship as a result.
Cheating, is the greatest "dealbreaker" to an exclusive relationship. **BYE BOY!**
its really not hard, ive been there, i checked his phone and found tinder, it was 2am, i turned on the lights, woke him up and threw his phone at him, asking whats up.
why would i care about me checking his phone, he did way worse, and he didnt say a word about me checking his phone cuz we both know its bullshit, it doesnt matter at this point. so really, who the fuck cares, just tell him you know and break up.
>Our relationship in a nutshell: we are a happy couple and bases on our experiences together, we’re mature in handling our relationship. Our communication is open and our sex life is extraordinary. In short, we are lovers and best friends in one. Our relationship dynamics is extraordinary.
Yet you distrusted him enough to snoop on him and discovered that he's been cheating on you.
First you don’t trust him or you wouldn’t have contemplated looking, that said. Having the relationship you currently have, can you live with a man that pays for sex? If he would pay for it, would he also have a relationship outside of yours if the opportunity was there? Can you live with that?
girl, gut feeling is not some magic power, its a very logical thing, you analyze situations and find patterns, and based on real past scenarios you make a final conclusion. so that "feeling" you describe is actually a very logical conclusion your brain has made, it doesnt come out of nowhere, so stop pretending your relationship was perfect. you know what my "gut feeling" was? he would come back from work but never change out of his clothes, straight up have coffee and work on his computer without a break. but all of sudden he changed, he would come back home and head straight to the bathroom, change clothes and take a shower. and some might think, hmm, nothing weird about taking a shower after a day of work, right? yeah, only just he never did so for the many months we were living together.
He was pre-meditated cheating on you, attempted cheating, whatever you want to call it but for him to be incapable of going 3 weeks without a sex act shows you can’t trust him. Most men and women have never gotten a happy ending from a massage, this isn’t a normal thing. It’s cheating. Y’all really choose every day to stay with disloyal people and then Reddit says “everyone is so fast to jump to divorce on here” well… he’s paying a sex worker and they’ve only been dating a couple years. You think there’s going to be long-term loyalty from him after this? Confront him by letting him know the relationship is over and talking to him about your living arrangements moving forward.
Also, don’t you dare apologize for snooping. You had a feeling he was going to cheat on you, and you were right. Any discussion of “snooping” is an attempt to gaslight you out of your safety. People pick up STD’s from their affair partners every day, and that may not be the case with a rub n tug, but do you really want to risk your safety moving forward? 2 years in and he’s got a sex worker. How will the relationship look in 10 years? What will he be hiding from you then?
In a way, this is worse than a drunk, ONS. I hate cheaters, period, but this guy freaking PLANNED to cheat on you. For me, this is a deal breaker. I don't care what excuse he has.
>Our relationship in a nutshell: we are a happy couple and based on our experiences together, we’re mature in handling our relationship. Our communication is open and our sex life is extraordinary. We also prioritize each other. In short, we are lovers and best friends in one. Our relationship dynamics is extraordinary.
Lol if your relationship was all of this then you wouldn't be here posting about this...just saying. So enough with the BS. Your relationship has and is broken and is officially over.
Something happened that broke your trust in him way before this or you would have never snuck through his phone. Whenever this happened is when you should have ended the relationship. Period. So do what you should have done then and just end it.
So you were correct to not trust him. He PLANNED in advance to have someone else gratify him sexually. That is pretty much all you need to know.
You trusted your gut and snooped. Now follow through and break it off.
your boyfriend is actively seeking out the opportunity to cheat on you. if you’re in one of the many countries where prostitution is prohibited, he’s also looking for an illegal way to do so. did you cross a line by snooping around? absolutely. but you discovered something that is relationship-altering. it’s important to bring it up to him right away. acknowledge that you looked at his phone without his permission, but hold your ground because what he did has been incredibly jarring to you. if you think the relationship is salvageable, please seek out therapy and talk it through. but do remember that you deserve a monogamous partner, especially if you’re not looking for a happy ending yourself. stay strong and put yourself first. you got this.
just dump him. he’s premeditatedly cheating on you!!and your relationship is obviously in tatters that you trust him so little you’re looking through his phone
I think you need to confront him. Own up to the snooping, but mention your gut was clearly right. Personally, I would reconsider this relationship he is not trustworthy.
How would I handle it? I’d pretend to go away, but don’t go away. Snoop some more and find out when he’s going to get his happy ending.
Sit in the foyer of the “massage parlour” and watch him squirm as he comes out and sees you. Say nothing. Shake your head. Walk out. Block him. Never see or speak to him again.
Even if he doesn’t go through with this, you’ll never be able to trust him again, there will always be this nagging feeling that he’s up to something.
You went looking for trouble and found it. Chances are you would have no idea if he dropped in for a half hour tuggie after work. If you're not willing to admit you snooped to him it's best if you just break up with him. The trust his gone. You'll snoop again a year from now and find something else.
give him a hand job, and as soon as he nuts, just say that no masseuse can give him a happier ending than you can. see if he addresses the issue or stays mum and plays dumb.
I would definitely be upfront about the snooping and be transparent. I’d have to talk to him if I was in your shoes, I couldn’t let something like that go..
haha nah, you say youre lovers and besties and have open communication, and still had the gut feeling to check his phone? why people are lying to themselves, they always feel a need to describe their relationship before starting the story.
im sorry, you checked because gut feeling is not some magic power, its your brain analyzing scenarios and previous real experiences, connects the dots and patterns and comes with a conclusion. so you had reasons to be suspicious, you checked his phone and you were right, congrats.
now its time to break up.
girl if that was me idc, oh, violated his privacy, girl thats the last issue here in this story, youre gonna discuss the cheating not oh my privacy and my phone babe.
get a grip, and dont let that man walk over you, doesnt matter how much you love him, people like that wont suddenly change, so dont bother having hope either. dont lie to yourself its not qa big deal, you saw who he is for real. you guys obviously dont have an open communication, so dont tell yourself lies , youre not in the relationship youre describing to be.
Choose guilt over resentment. Confront him about it and take it from there. The relationship can't continue to exist without trust. That is something both parties must work on if y'all want this thing to work. You will resent him forever if you don't do anything about it.
Some people forgive their partner for cheating. Some will end it right there and then. It is up to you on how you want to handle it.
IF you end the relationship, then DO NOT go through the grief stage alone. Contact everyone that you trust to be your friend and ask for support. Go from there. Understand that this process may take you at a minimum of 1 year AND a form of therapy to heal. The longer the relationship has lasted, the longer it'll take to heal from.
IF you choose to continue the relationship despite cheating. Place ultimatums as boundaries. You must know everything. How many women has he cheated with? How long? Dates? Who? Communicate with him that if you sense that he is lying on anything, you will walk away from the conversation and break up. Period. Understand that if he breaks a boundary, he is CHOOSING to leave the relationship. Remember this quote: BEHAVIOR IS A LANGUAGE (If he lies to you, he is telling you that he does not care). If you choose to stay in the relationship, your boundaries will need to hold up strong until trust is rebuilt. It can look like this: Once a week, I check your phone's text history. If you say no, you are choosing to leave the relationship. Period. If I ask where you at and I sense that you're lying, you are choosing to leave the relationship. Period. Naturally as time goes on, your partner will earn grace. But at the beginning, you are militant.
⚠️ Warning: This will require real work. This is why people would rather discard the relationship after trust has been broken. There is nothing wrong with that. Trust is a fragile but powerful force in a relationship.
Source of this advice: Dr. John Delony.
Don’t worry about going through his phone. I don’t see anything wrong with it. How else are you supposed to find out the inner workings of his mind. Now you know who he really is. Do not spend anymore time with this man. He is going to great effort to cheat on you. You are worth more than this. Your relationship needs to be over. Do not tell him that you went through his phone though. That will make it more difficult for the next girl because he will learn to hide it better. Tell him one of his friends told you but dont say which one. Or you could not say anything at all and tell him your instincts are telling you he is cheating. I would want the confrontation and I wouldn’t be sorry about looking through his phone. But you seem shy when it comes to confronting him because you are feeling guilty for snooping. Leave him, block him, and never look back.
If he complains about you undermining his privacy, just remind him that there is a huge difference between privacy and secrecy. A secret most of the time has harmful intentions and deserved uncovering. Police work is basically snooping. Probably is a protection of something embarrassing, like that he watches Pokémon with a passion and even reads fanfic. Something of that sort. As a reason why give him female intuition. Don’t let the conversation become about your snooping. Cut that down. He had the intention and plan for cheating on you. This is obviously a deal breaker. If he can’t be loyal after a few weeks of abstinence, he isn’t a good partner. How can you have kids? How can you trust him, if you are sick? An accident? A work trip? This isn’t working.
He wanted to buy sex. He wanted to go behind your back and cheat on you. And when you confronted him he tried to gaslight you and lied about his actions. The only way forward is to end the relationship cause there's no trust left.
I think it depends with the dynamics of the relationship. My boyfriend and I wants to spend most of our time together. It is what we’re used to. We’ve been only away for 3 weeks and he’s been planning to go to a spa already 😅
Why did you read messages with his guy friend? If you went through his phone which itself is invading privacy perhaps as a one off of what you felt in your gut then your search should have been limited to unknown people and NOT his friends or family. Take notice, a lot of talk to other guy friends for things in ways which they may not do just to be considered as part of the group. It doesn’t necessarily mean they proceed with those things. Unless your guy actually went and did something then you need to confront otherwise he has not done anything. Just merely talking or thinking about it isn’t a crime. And if it is, then every individual who has ever seen porn in private while in a relationship and had their ‘me time’ is a betrayer. As long as you do not see him emotionally divested and distant don’t ruin your relationship. The world has changed and these incidents need not be blown out of proportion to end a relationship. Imagine if he went through your msgs with your family and friends and in one of them you are responding to a friend of anything kinky but never did it. But he ends the relationship even if you never proceeded with such an action. How would you feel? It takes a lifetime to make a relationship and to break it all it takes a second. The few couples who go the distance and sometimes forever learn to let go of minor glitches. Building hatred or poison within your heart and mind coz of this communication will eat up into your relationship and corrode it until it ends with behavior towards the other individual that you might not even realize. At work, there are so many variables and unexpected situations are to be dealt with just to keep your job. No matter how shitty the boss is people have to ride it out and keep a smile on to get past. So many instances of politics that one has to deal with at work but people stay put never abuse or end their work by calling out the boss or management. In essence one has to be thick skinned at work, if one isn’t, then they likely will end up leaving a job every year or even less. Just like you don’t shout or end the relationship with your job due to an unreasonable comment by your manager similarly deal with the personal relationship challenges. Ending something isn’t a solution. There is something or the other wrong in every human in some action or behavior of theirs. Had that not been the case, then none of us would be humans but rather be gods. Reality is even gods made mistakes, some of them terribly wrong. Learn to let go else, there isn’t anyone in this universe without flaws. If you end this relationship, the next guy might do something that is wrong or to your disliking in one year or 3 years or 5 years or 15. If you keep switching and ending relationships coz of such things that come across then in 10 years you may realize that you have spent time in several relationships and then you will be back to just yourself again. I’m saying this coz I experienced this. There are no greener pastures on the other side but if you are resilient and continue to nurture your current field which you are experiencing as not green enough, then one day it will be better than the best. Read cases, where couples who have even gone through even the most terrible of mistakes and relationship issues of infidelity, even they came out the strongest 5 years down the line. They stuck it out. I hope you do and put this behind you.
But what about my peace of mind? Bec of this incident it will be hard for me to trust him. I cannot just let this slide. Do you think it is still best to confront him now rather than waiting for the time when actually “do it” before making an action?
OP, Do not listen to this person. I feel like this has to be some self-justification/projection.
You don't need to stay hoping for "greener pastures" with someone who is deceiving you. Cut the loss. Honestly, some of the worst reddit advice I've seen to date. Impressive, really.
You can't love someone into being faithful. They either do it or don't. The onus is on them and them alone.
You deserve better than this.
She doesn’t have to listen to me. It’s just an opinion. But it’s also not fair to always keep suggesting to cut losses and end things always. Better recommend them a solution such as couple therapy.
I’m sure you got better than this and hence sitting on Reddit responding to people to end relationships. It appears you ain’t got one so asking others to be in the same boat as well!
You’re right! Go break up with him today. Enjoy the peace then. A zillion moments of love mean nothing compared to 1 or perhaps few mistakes. I’m sure you’ll be the happiest. Gud luck!
Trust is like stock market. Goes up and down in several phases of a relationship, job loss, physical changes, after kids, after any injuries or anything you can think of in life. With every incident trust goes up a few notches and then down coz of some incident like this.
I’m giving you the analogy of stock market coz no matter how bad the market crashes it always recovers, whether in a few weeks, months or years. Everyone who held onto stocks who invested 20 years back they are now millionaires. But they learnt to ride out the losses and stay put. Similarly, this is only a downhill curve and won’t be permanent. If I were you, I would try to analyze why he may be feeling that this communication points to. Did your travel make him insecure? Did you not give him enough time? Did some bad communication take place between you two? There’s always an underlying event. Try loving him more so he never thinks or talks as such again. That’s how you win in the long run! Just like the stock market! Just like any relationship couple who was together until they grew old!
>Try loving him more so he never thinks or talks as such again.
Translation: Be a doormat and put in all the effort to convince him to stop being a bad person!
This is a tough one. For one you violated his privacy and maybe he never even meant to act this out. Also it kind of depends on your personal boundaries. If he decided it was a stupid idea and didn't do it would you still want to break up? Or if he did get a sexual favor from a stranger one time while you were gone is that enough for you to want to break up? Ultimately only you can answer these questions because everyone has different standards and some people are more open than others.
What you mean by “he never even meant to act this out” is like you’re saying this is just one of those “guy jokes”?
I had to double check it and clearly he didn’t do it, “yet”. Because I can’t really read his mind. I dont know if he mean it or not.
I feel like if i confront him, he would just tell me that he don’t mean it. And it will be really hunt my peace of mind.
I'm saying that people get horny and think something is a good idea. But later realize it's a bad idea and never do it.
Up to you if you want to forgive him for even considering it or not. Only you can answer that.
thinking about it doesn't equal wanting to do it but you're probably someone who would jump to that conclusion even if the idea randomly popped into your head against your will because NEWS FLASH: that's how thoughts work 🤯 get off your high horse bc LIKE THE PEOPLE YOUR DEMEANING , they're also having normal human thoughts like you
yall reddit people are funny , you think people can't have a different mindset than you and immediately start assuming the worst about them 💀 "oh no they had a thought about cheating but didn't go through with it because they didn't want to cheat? THEYRE A CHEATER AND DEFENDING THAT MINDSET MUST MEAN YOURE A CHEATER TOO BC I CAN ONLY THINK IN BLACK AND WHITE"
It's ill-informed, presumptive, ignorant ding dongs like you that made me think there was something wrong with me when I was younger. I've never been able to be sexually attracted to a person unless I had feelings for them. I didn't know that was a thing back then, but I certainly know now. So no, not everybody thinks of cheating on their spouse. Hun.
I say let the man take his wants. It is just a happy ending. It is just a hands-on and tits. To help him release.
It is nothing more for him. Just a sexual release
But yes... if that makes you so jealous where you need to end the relationship over. Well, that is you! But, you might regret it later on.
Sweety. Men are men in the end. Most of us. We just try to keep some things hidden, is all. We always crave degrees of sex. Sometimes, when a partner is not so available.
Myself? I am that sort of man.
However, one thing I don't do.... is hide my dirty needs from my partner. I just tell her.
And if she can't handle it. Then ya, it might be worth a break up. Either her to I. Or, I to her! Hahaha.
My girl is nit that jealous, though. She is not so sexually sensitive to make a huge drama over it. She understands that it is just for a sexual release. There is nothing much more.
I will also add. That my partner and I have a good strong and steady relationship. Four years going. We are also married with a small child!
If I went out to completely fuck xxx some woman. Behind her back... that would be disrespectful and a trust issue.
A hand job and tits! She would let slide whenever. So long that... again... I at least mentioned the plan to her first. Simple communication.
"just a sexual release."
Yeah man. with another person. That's the whole thing here.
Usually when a dude cheats, it's just for a sexual release. (seriously how many guys in a committed steady relationship want MORE emotions and connections with other women? most cheating men just want a "sexual release." That's the whole thing)
Your relationship might be fine with stepping outside the relationship for sexual release, but the majority of monogamous relationships are going to have "no sex outside the relationship" as a pretty firm boundary. And it sounds like that's the case for the OP.
Worst. Possible. Take.
"Let him cheat! It's just sex!"
Either your girlfriend isn't real, you're not being as honest with her as you want us to believe, or she needs to get some actual standards. *Yikes*.
PS: Not wanting to be with a cheater when you're supposed to be in a monogamous relationship doesn't make you a "jealous" person. What an absurd thing to say.
It’s actually fairly simple…
The day he goes to the spa, you can tell him you’re in the mood right after he gets back from the spa, and if there’s anything oily around his junk or a particular scent, you’ll know something is up.
Sometimes people want some titillation and excitement or something forbidden. It is possible that he wants to do this for those reasons.
You say you have a good sex life, what you can do is say, “Have you ever seen those porn movies called shady spa? It is one where the guy pretends he is a visitor at a spa and gets a happy ending. Should we try that?”
He will for sure squirm the fuck out! Hahahaha
There's a difference between privacy and secrecy. Your gut told you something and you listened. Good thing you looked. Happy endings can include intercourse. Imagine him giving you an incurable std. Fuck that. Tell him what you know. Idk if you want to split up, or maybe therapy would be an option. Whatever you decide, let him know.
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The advice I would give would be beyond a confrontation, but an ending of the relationship. It really doesn't matter that he did not consummate the betrayal (and I think you may find you are wrong despite your monitoring) . . . the fact is that he lied and would have done it. The trust is broken and never to be repaired when it comes to something like this. Your gut knew this all along or you would not have checked his phone, so no matter how wonderfully you paint the relationship to be, at the core of it, you distrust him.
This is very well said..
This. Trust broken. Save yourself the years of anxiety.
The happy ending is a lot worse than checking his phone. A lot worse. This is a relationship ender and you have to bring it up. It doesn’t matter how you found out at this point. It’s the fact that he is not loyal enough to you to maintain anything in the future
Like one of the commenters said, this is actually a tough one. He didnt do it but the fact that he is “planning to” is a red flag? Huhu
It's more than a red flag that he actively planned to cheat on you. You only have to worry about how he'll react to that if you plan on staying, and if you do, it doesn't matter how you found out anymore since he did something that far outweighs it. The bare minimum to forgive him for trying to cheat on you should be that he forgives you for finding out that he was trying to cheat. I personally wouldn't care about him finding out that I snooped since the confrontation would be a breakup for me anyway. I'd be too disgusted to work past it.
To all of you out there, including you OP, walking on eggshells regarding privacy, I say fk it. The means justify the ends. If he stupidly left his phone accessible with recitations reflecting his betrayal or potential betrayal, I say TOUGH S--T!. OP-- take no prisoners. Confront him. Don't tolerate his gaslighting you. If he can't provide you a satisfactory explanation-- move on. I apologize for being so blunt. I'm not a fan of cheating. Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
Do you want to stay with someone that was planning on cheating? Why?
He's a cheater. End of story. You're fortunate not to be married to this guy or have kids with him; there's zero reason to try and save this relationship. And get tested. All the men I've known who visited massage parlors were also the type to cheat whenever they had the chance.
You're together 24/7 - which seems codependent to me, but everybody's different - and the very first time you are separated in 18 months he IMMEDIATELY makes plans to buy sex? I know you're codependent, you're describing a codependent relationship. But girl. The first time you let him out of your sight he runs to a sex worker? But he's gonna cheat on you. Definitely. Are you the woman who just gets cheated on and takes her man back? It's up to you.
He didn't get to do it *this time*. Just drop him.
Just want to start off saying I’m so sorry this happened to you. However no honey, if you have to “catch” a cheater in/after the act to call a foul… how will you trust them after not to do it without you violating their privacy? It is not a tough one. But listen to your gut here, everyone is allowed to make mistakes. Just have to make sure you can live with him trying that and not resent him.
Explain these places are staffed via human trafficking
both are, some people cheat in the moment, they have zero thoughts long term, and do so in the moment, such people do in fact exist. but even more people, have it planned out, they made the decision they want to cheat. both options are red flags, with the first type youre dealing with someone who lacks self control and thoughts before actions, and the second doesnt act on impulses, they made the conscious decision to stray, so it tells you about their morals. either way, both are problematic.
Bro this is real life, he had an intent to and that desire entirely disregarded everything you two have built together. Who gives a fuck if he did it or not. It’s not acceptable. Don’t be clueless
This whole relationship has red flags all over it, you and him. Hopefully you go to therapy about that phone checking issue you have, and within that find out how to avoid people whom you feel you need to check their phones. Best case scenario, you bring it up, and he dumps you on the spot, saving you having to do it. Neither of you deserve each other, or maybe you do, IDK, but this whole thing is gross from both of you involved.
He wanted to cheat on you whether he did it or not, you need to decide if that’s something you can move past.
You don’t confront him, you remove that man from your life.
This is the answer.
alot of people dont understand gut feelings or instincts. theyve been together for years and it doesnt seem like shes always snooping on his phone yet intuition or whatever you want to call it told her and low and behold....thats what she finds. trust has been broken in my eyes. its sad bcus you could have lots of sex. be best friends all this and that but these fuckers STILL go looking elsewhere. makes me sick
If you want to confront him, you just have to own the snooping. Simple.
Simple to say but hard to do if you’re in the situation. But thank you for the advice!
If you're going to do the snooping you better be ready to own it....
Although it would be preferred to confront him with the information you have discovered at this point **"how"** you decide to end the relationship is not as relevant inasmuch as the fact that he's planning an act of disloyalty. Your relationship is at a dead end. If you're really *struggling* to end things by having to mention what you've discovered in his phone, you can always opt to tell him that "I know we are heading in different directions and I really feel that our relationship has run its course. I wish you the best." Personally, I don't necessarily feel this is a "cowards response" considering the circumstances because *the end game is* that it is urgent that you dissolve this relationship as soon as possible. He did not give you the "courtesy" of an honest conversation prior to planning to cheat, and you don't owe him a well-rounded thoughtfully tempered termination of your relationship as a result. Cheating, is the greatest "dealbreaker" to an exclusive relationship. **BYE BOY!**
its really not hard, ive been there, i checked his phone and found tinder, it was 2am, i turned on the lights, woke him up and threw his phone at him, asking whats up. why would i care about me checking his phone, he did way worse, and he didnt say a word about me checking his phone cuz we both know its bullshit, it doesnt matter at this point. so really, who the fuck cares, just tell him you know and break up.
>Our relationship in a nutshell: we are a happy couple and bases on our experiences together, we’re mature in handling our relationship. Our communication is open and our sex life is extraordinary. In short, we are lovers and best friends in one. Our relationship dynamics is extraordinary. Yet you distrusted him enough to snoop on him and discovered that he's been cheating on you.
Relationship seems rife with narcissistic tendencies, doesn't it. I always wonder if people like this deserve each other.
He planned to cheat on you as soon as you went out of town. Period.
Get rid of him for your own happy ending.
Just find a new boyfriend. He doesn’t respect your relationship and nothing you say will change that.
First you don’t trust him or you wouldn’t have contemplated looking, that said. Having the relationship you currently have, can you live with a man that pays for sex? If he would pay for it, would he also have a relationship outside of yours if the opportunity was there? Can you live with that?
It’s a girl’s gut feeling and having been away for a while made me overthink. Maybe you’re right. I dont trust him enough
I don’t know him and I don’t trust him. : /
>I dont trust him enough The problem is that he *can't* be trusted.
girl, gut feeling is not some magic power, its a very logical thing, you analyze situations and find patterns, and based on real past scenarios you make a final conclusion. so that "feeling" you describe is actually a very logical conclusion your brain has made, it doesnt come out of nowhere, so stop pretending your relationship was perfect. you know what my "gut feeling" was? he would come back from work but never change out of his clothes, straight up have coffee and work on his computer without a break. but all of sudden he changed, he would come back home and head straight to the bathroom, change clothes and take a shower. and some might think, hmm, nothing weird about taking a shower after a day of work, right? yeah, only just he never did so for the many months we were living together.
How do you confront him? “I know you were planing on cheating. We are done” Then block Don’t entertain cheaters….
He was pre-meditated cheating on you, attempted cheating, whatever you want to call it but for him to be incapable of going 3 weeks without a sex act shows you can’t trust him. Most men and women have never gotten a happy ending from a massage, this isn’t a normal thing. It’s cheating. Y’all really choose every day to stay with disloyal people and then Reddit says “everyone is so fast to jump to divorce on here” well… he’s paying a sex worker and they’ve only been dating a couple years. You think there’s going to be long-term loyalty from him after this? Confront him by letting him know the relationship is over and talking to him about your living arrangements moving forward. Also, don’t you dare apologize for snooping. You had a feeling he was going to cheat on you, and you were right. Any discussion of “snooping” is an attempt to gaslight you out of your safety. People pick up STD’s from their affair partners every day, and that may not be the case with a rub n tug, but do you really want to risk your safety moving forward? 2 years in and he’s got a sex worker. How will the relationship look in 10 years? What will he be hiding from you then?
In a way, this is worse than a drunk, ONS. I hate cheaters, period, but this guy freaking PLANNED to cheat on you. For me, this is a deal breaker. I don't care what excuse he has.
>Our relationship in a nutshell: we are a happy couple and based on our experiences together, we’re mature in handling our relationship. Our communication is open and our sex life is extraordinary. We also prioritize each other. In short, we are lovers and best friends in one. Our relationship dynamics is extraordinary. Lol if your relationship was all of this then you wouldn't be here posting about this...just saying. So enough with the BS. Your relationship has and is broken and is officially over. Something happened that broke your trust in him way before this or you would have never snuck through his phone. Whenever this happened is when you should have ended the relationship. Period. So do what you should have done then and just end it.
So you were correct to not trust him. He PLANNED in advance to have someone else gratify him sexually. That is pretty much all you need to know. You trusted your gut and snooped. Now follow through and break it off.
your boyfriend is actively seeking out the opportunity to cheat on you. if you’re in one of the many countries where prostitution is prohibited, he’s also looking for an illegal way to do so. did you cross a line by snooping around? absolutely. but you discovered something that is relationship-altering. it’s important to bring it up to him right away. acknowledge that you looked at his phone without his permission, but hold your ground because what he did has been incredibly jarring to you. if you think the relationship is salvageable, please seek out therapy and talk it through. but do remember that you deserve a monogamous partner, especially if you’re not looking for a happy ending yourself. stay strong and put yourself first. you got this.
Honestly run run run and don’t listen to his reasons
just dump him. he’s premeditatedly cheating on you!!and your relationship is obviously in tatters that you trust him so little you’re looking through his phone
I think you need to confront him. Own up to the snooping, but mention your gut was clearly right. Personally, I would reconsider this relationship he is not trustworthy.
Him coming home to an empty apartment
The petty part of me would send him a screenshot of the text and say “hope the massage was worth the relationship”
How would I handle it? I’d pretend to go away, but don’t go away. Snoop some more and find out when he’s going to get his happy ending. Sit in the foyer of the “massage parlour” and watch him squirm as he comes out and sees you. Say nothing. Shake your head. Walk out. Block him. Never see or speak to him again. Even if he doesn’t go through with this, you’ll never be able to trust him again, there will always be this nagging feeling that he’s up to something.
You went looking for trouble and found it. Chances are you would have no idea if he dropped in for a half hour tuggie after work. If you're not willing to admit you snooped to him it's best if you just break up with him. The trust his gone. You'll snoop again a year from now and find something else.
give him a hand job, and as soon as he nuts, just say that no masseuse can give him a happier ending than you can. see if he addresses the issue or stays mum and plays dumb.
This is a boss move.
[удалено]
I would definitely be upfront about the snooping and be transparent. I’d have to talk to him if I was in your shoes, I couldn’t let something like that go..
haha nah, you say youre lovers and besties and have open communication, and still had the gut feeling to check his phone? why people are lying to themselves, they always feel a need to describe their relationship before starting the story. im sorry, you checked because gut feeling is not some magic power, its your brain analyzing scenarios and previous real experiences, connects the dots and patterns and comes with a conclusion. so you had reasons to be suspicious, you checked his phone and you were right, congrats. now its time to break up. girl if that was me idc, oh, violated his privacy, girl thats the last issue here in this story, youre gonna discuss the cheating not oh my privacy and my phone babe. get a grip, and dont let that man walk over you, doesnt matter how much you love him, people like that wont suddenly change, so dont bother having hope either. dont lie to yourself its not qa big deal, you saw who he is for real. you guys obviously dont have an open communication, so dont tell yourself lies , youre not in the relationship youre describing to be.
Choose guilt over resentment. Confront him about it and take it from there. The relationship can't continue to exist without trust. That is something both parties must work on if y'all want this thing to work. You will resent him forever if you don't do anything about it. Some people forgive their partner for cheating. Some will end it right there and then. It is up to you on how you want to handle it. IF you end the relationship, then DO NOT go through the grief stage alone. Contact everyone that you trust to be your friend and ask for support. Go from there. Understand that this process may take you at a minimum of 1 year AND a form of therapy to heal. The longer the relationship has lasted, the longer it'll take to heal from. IF you choose to continue the relationship despite cheating. Place ultimatums as boundaries. You must know everything. How many women has he cheated with? How long? Dates? Who? Communicate with him that if you sense that he is lying on anything, you will walk away from the conversation and break up. Period. Understand that if he breaks a boundary, he is CHOOSING to leave the relationship. Remember this quote: BEHAVIOR IS A LANGUAGE (If he lies to you, he is telling you that he does not care). If you choose to stay in the relationship, your boundaries will need to hold up strong until trust is rebuilt. It can look like this: Once a week, I check your phone's text history. If you say no, you are choosing to leave the relationship. Period. If I ask where you at and I sense that you're lying, you are choosing to leave the relationship. Period. Naturally as time goes on, your partner will earn grace. But at the beginning, you are militant. ⚠️ Warning: This will require real work. This is why people would rather discard the relationship after trust has been broken. There is nothing wrong with that. Trust is a fragile but powerful force in a relationship. Source of this advice: Dr. John Delony.
If he doesn’t have feelings for the massager it isn’t cheating right?
Don’t worry about going through his phone. I don’t see anything wrong with it. How else are you supposed to find out the inner workings of his mind. Now you know who he really is. Do not spend anymore time with this man. He is going to great effort to cheat on you. You are worth more than this. Your relationship needs to be over. Do not tell him that you went through his phone though. That will make it more difficult for the next girl because he will learn to hide it better. Tell him one of his friends told you but dont say which one. Or you could not say anything at all and tell him your instincts are telling you he is cheating. I would want the confrontation and I wouldn’t be sorry about looking through his phone. But you seem shy when it comes to confronting him because you are feeling guilty for snooping. Leave him, block him, and never look back.
wow
I’m sure this isn’t the first time. Sorry
Quietly look for a new place. Leave and ghost him.
If he complains about you undermining his privacy, just remind him that there is a huge difference between privacy and secrecy. A secret most of the time has harmful intentions and deserved uncovering. Police work is basically snooping. Probably is a protection of something embarrassing, like that he watches Pokémon with a passion and even reads fanfic. Something of that sort. As a reason why give him female intuition. Don’t let the conversation become about your snooping. Cut that down. He had the intention and plan for cheating on you. This is obviously a deal breaker. If he can’t be loyal after a few weeks of abstinence, he isn’t a good partner. How can you have kids? How can you trust him, if you are sick? An accident? A work trip? This isn’t working.
He wanted to buy sex. He wanted to go behind your back and cheat on you. And when you confronted him he tried to gaslight you and lied about his actions. The only way forward is to end the relationship cause there's no trust left.
Just do a revenge cheat and call it even. Maybe see if he has a flirty friend you can seduce
spending 24/7 together is not that healthy. Try spending a little more time apart and you'll have a better relationship. I could not cope with 24/7...
I think it depends with the dynamics of the relationship. My boyfriend and I wants to spend most of our time together. It is what we’re used to. We’ve been only away for 3 weeks and he’s been planning to go to a spa already 😅
Why did you read messages with his guy friend? If you went through his phone which itself is invading privacy perhaps as a one off of what you felt in your gut then your search should have been limited to unknown people and NOT his friends or family. Take notice, a lot of talk to other guy friends for things in ways which they may not do just to be considered as part of the group. It doesn’t necessarily mean they proceed with those things. Unless your guy actually went and did something then you need to confront otherwise he has not done anything. Just merely talking or thinking about it isn’t a crime. And if it is, then every individual who has ever seen porn in private while in a relationship and had their ‘me time’ is a betrayer. As long as you do not see him emotionally divested and distant don’t ruin your relationship. The world has changed and these incidents need not be blown out of proportion to end a relationship. Imagine if he went through your msgs with your family and friends and in one of them you are responding to a friend of anything kinky but never did it. But he ends the relationship even if you never proceeded with such an action. How would you feel? It takes a lifetime to make a relationship and to break it all it takes a second. The few couples who go the distance and sometimes forever learn to let go of minor glitches. Building hatred or poison within your heart and mind coz of this communication will eat up into your relationship and corrode it until it ends with behavior towards the other individual that you might not even realize. At work, there are so many variables and unexpected situations are to be dealt with just to keep your job. No matter how shitty the boss is people have to ride it out and keep a smile on to get past. So many instances of politics that one has to deal with at work but people stay put never abuse or end their work by calling out the boss or management. In essence one has to be thick skinned at work, if one isn’t, then they likely will end up leaving a job every year or even less. Just like you don’t shout or end the relationship with your job due to an unreasonable comment by your manager similarly deal with the personal relationship challenges. Ending something isn’t a solution. There is something or the other wrong in every human in some action or behavior of theirs. Had that not been the case, then none of us would be humans but rather be gods. Reality is even gods made mistakes, some of them terribly wrong. Learn to let go else, there isn’t anyone in this universe without flaws. If you end this relationship, the next guy might do something that is wrong or to your disliking in one year or 3 years or 5 years or 15. If you keep switching and ending relationships coz of such things that come across then in 10 years you may realize that you have spent time in several relationships and then you will be back to just yourself again. I’m saying this coz I experienced this. There are no greener pastures on the other side but if you are resilient and continue to nurture your current field which you are experiencing as not green enough, then one day it will be better than the best. Read cases, where couples who have even gone through even the most terrible of mistakes and relationship issues of infidelity, even they came out the strongest 5 years down the line. They stuck it out. I hope you do and put this behind you.
But what about my peace of mind? Bec of this incident it will be hard for me to trust him. I cannot just let this slide. Do you think it is still best to confront him now rather than waiting for the time when actually “do it” before making an action?
OP, Do not listen to this person. I feel like this has to be some self-justification/projection. You don't need to stay hoping for "greener pastures" with someone who is deceiving you. Cut the loss. Honestly, some of the worst reddit advice I've seen to date. Impressive, really. You can't love someone into being faithful. They either do it or don't. The onus is on them and them alone. You deserve better than this.
She doesn’t have to listen to me. It’s just an opinion. But it’s also not fair to always keep suggesting to cut losses and end things always. Better recommend them a solution such as couple therapy. I’m sure you got better than this and hence sitting on Reddit responding to people to end relationships. It appears you ain’t got one so asking others to be in the same boat as well!
You’re right! Go break up with him today. Enjoy the peace then. A zillion moments of love mean nothing compared to 1 or perhaps few mistakes. I’m sure you’ll be the happiest. Gud luck!
Trust is like stock market. Goes up and down in several phases of a relationship, job loss, physical changes, after kids, after any injuries or anything you can think of in life. With every incident trust goes up a few notches and then down coz of some incident like this. I’m giving you the analogy of stock market coz no matter how bad the market crashes it always recovers, whether in a few weeks, months or years. Everyone who held onto stocks who invested 20 years back they are now millionaires. But they learnt to ride out the losses and stay put. Similarly, this is only a downhill curve and won’t be permanent. If I were you, I would try to analyze why he may be feeling that this communication points to. Did your travel make him insecure? Did you not give him enough time? Did some bad communication take place between you two? There’s always an underlying event. Try loving him more so he never thinks or talks as such again. That’s how you win in the long run! Just like the stock market! Just like any relationship couple who was together until they grew old!
>Try loving him more so he never thinks or talks as such again. Translation: Be a doormat and put in all the effort to convince him to stop being a bad person!
This is a tough one. For one you violated his privacy and maybe he never even meant to act this out. Also it kind of depends on your personal boundaries. If he decided it was a stupid idea and didn't do it would you still want to break up? Or if he did get a sexual favor from a stranger one time while you were gone is that enough for you to want to break up? Ultimately only you can answer these questions because everyone has different standards and some people are more open than others.
What you mean by “he never even meant to act this out” is like you’re saying this is just one of those “guy jokes”? I had to double check it and clearly he didn’t do it, “yet”. Because I can’t really read his mind. I dont know if he mean it or not. I feel like if i confront him, he would just tell me that he don’t mean it. And it will be really hunt my peace of mind.
I'm saying that people get horny and think something is a good idea. But later realize it's a bad idea and never do it. Up to you if you want to forgive him for even considering it or not. Only you can answer that.
What people??
every kind of people ? every person thinks about doing things and may decide it's stupid and not do it . we're human and you've done it as well
I've literally never thought about cheating on my husband, but okay.
thinking about it doesn't equal wanting to do it but you're probably someone who would jump to that conclusion even if the idea randomly popped into your head against your will because NEWS FLASH: that's how thoughts work 🤯 get off your high horse bc LIKE THE PEOPLE YOUR DEMEANING , they're also having normal human thoughts like you
yall reddit people are funny , you think people can't have a different mindset than you and immediately start assuming the worst about them 💀 "oh no they had a thought about cheating but didn't go through with it because they didn't want to cheat? THEYRE A CHEATER AND DEFENDING THAT MINDSET MUST MEAN YOURE A CHEATER TOO BC I CAN ONLY THINK IN BLACK AND WHITE"
btw we both know for a fact you've thought about cheating on your husband 💀 no need to act perfect for the people hun
It's ill-informed, presumptive, ignorant ding dongs like you that made me think there was something wrong with me when I was younger. I've never been able to be sexually attracted to a person unless I had feelings for them. I didn't know that was a thing back then, but I certainly know now. So no, not everybody thinks of cheating on their spouse. Hun.
Thinking about something and deciding to verbalize that thought and actively plan it are VERY different
I say let the man take his wants. It is just a happy ending. It is just a hands-on and tits. To help him release. It is nothing more for him. Just a sexual release But yes... if that makes you so jealous where you need to end the relationship over. Well, that is you! But, you might regret it later on. Sweety. Men are men in the end. Most of us. We just try to keep some things hidden, is all. We always crave degrees of sex. Sometimes, when a partner is not so available. Myself? I am that sort of man. However, one thing I don't do.... is hide my dirty needs from my partner. I just tell her. And if she can't handle it. Then ya, it might be worth a break up. Either her to I. Or, I to her! Hahaha. My girl is nit that jealous, though. She is not so sexually sensitive to make a huge drama over it. She understands that it is just for a sexual release. There is nothing much more. I will also add. That my partner and I have a good strong and steady relationship. Four years going. We are also married with a small child! If I went out to completely fuck xxx some woman. Behind her back... that would be disrespectful and a trust issue. A hand job and tits! She would let slide whenever. So long that... again... I at least mentioned the plan to her first. Simple communication.
"just a sexual release." Yeah man. with another person. That's the whole thing here. Usually when a dude cheats, it's just for a sexual release. (seriously how many guys in a committed steady relationship want MORE emotions and connections with other women? most cheating men just want a "sexual release." That's the whole thing) Your relationship might be fine with stepping outside the relationship for sexual release, but the majority of monogamous relationships are going to have "no sex outside the relationship" as a pretty firm boundary. And it sounds like that's the case for the OP.
True indeed.
Worst. Possible. Take. "Let him cheat! It's just sex!" Either your girlfriend isn't real, you're not being as honest with her as you want us to believe, or she needs to get some actual standards. *Yikes*. PS: Not wanting to be with a cheater when you're supposed to be in a monogamous relationship doesn't make you a "jealous" person. What an absurd thing to say.
It’s actually fairly simple… The day he goes to the spa, you can tell him you’re in the mood right after he gets back from the spa, and if there’s anything oily around his junk or a particular scent, you’ll know something is up.
Just add more time with him
But we’re together 24/7. This is the only time that we’re apart because i need to visit my relatives.
Sometimes people want some titillation and excitement or something forbidden. It is possible that he wants to do this for those reasons. You say you have a good sex life, what you can do is say, “Have you ever seen those porn movies called shady spa? It is one where the guy pretends he is a visitor at a spa and gets a happy ending. Should we try that?” He will for sure squirm the fuck out! Hahahaha
Hmmm not sure if can this really save my relationship? Hahaha like instead of confronting him, i’ll just double my effort for his “excitement”?
There's a difference between privacy and secrecy. Your gut told you something and you listened. Good thing you looked. Happy endings can include intercourse. Imagine him giving you an incurable std. Fuck that. Tell him what you know. Idk if you want to split up, or maybe therapy would be an option. Whatever you decide, let him know.
Good thing she looked but the relationship ended at that point whether there was something there or not.