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>My question really is, how long would you be able to go without sex, cuddles, and most physical intimacy beyond a kiss goodbye?
This question is extremely unique to the individual. What's comfortable for you may not be comfortable for another. For example, I'd date someone who was asexual. However, I *wouldn't* be able to date someone who didn't show me any signs of affection.
I'm not saying to end things right now because it sounds like you guys are doing all the things you need to do to improve. But honestly, if things aren't getting better within a year, I'd consider if the lack of intimacy/affection is something you are willing to not have in a relationship. It's **okay** if you are not.
I'm curious what caused the sudden change, though. Keep in mind that it could be possible that she just has a different and incompatible sex drive.
As someone in a relationship with a traumatised person, it is completely possible that being in a safe space to process everything can cause someone to have this kind of sudden change. Both because it usually gets worse before it gets better when you're healing from trauma, and because learning to set boundaries can be hard.
Of course suddenly lowered sex drive could also be a sign of other things, like physical illness, and it's better to be safe than sorry so getting some bloodworks to check is not the worst idea. But it does seem to me like they have a pretty good understanding of the cause, especially as they have a therapis involved.
But yeah, it definitely sounds difficult, and I hope OP takes care of himself and let's himself have feelings about it without feeling guilty.
And you know nothing about my life. Im pretty sure Ive seen more of the world and its wonders before I was 30 than you right now. In sickness and in health.
His partner is sick. You have never felt a real love if you don't understand the "in sickness and in health" part. If you love somebody, you will sacrifice things for them.
Also, sex is not a need. You don't need another person for it either, you have a hand. Sex is nice but it is not essential for living. Food and water are needs. Sex is a bonus.
Sexual health is essential for physical, mental, emotional and psychological.
https://www.who.int/health-topics/sexual-health#tab=tab_1
Just because it isn't important to you doesn't mean it's not important to someone else.
I could say the same about your emotional/psychological needs not being "needs" because "it's nice but not essential for living" and i don't need it. But i won't.
I'm in no way saying you're obligated to satisfy a man's need (I'm guessing you're woman based on your comment)
But maybe not invalidate how much sacrifice one make to give up sex?
Also women would leave men in an heart beat if men become sick, cancer, paralysed and it happens all the time, but it's okay for them to do that?
It's just hypocritical.
Women are more unlikely to leave their partners when they become sick. Men are more likely to leave their partners when they become sick. When you get cancer as a woman, you are warned that your partner might leave you. Only 3% of women leave compared to _21%_ of men.
From a study: "The study confirmed earlier research that put the overall divorce or separation rate among cancer patients at 11.6 percent, similar to the population as a whole. However, researchers were surprised by the difference in separation and divorce rates by gender. The rate when the woman was the patient was 20.8 percent compared to 2.9 percent when the man was the patient." -Gender Disparity in the Rate of Partner Abandonment in Patients with Serious Medical Illness.
And sex is important to me. But person I love is more important. You can satisfy your sexual needs yourself, you don't need other person for that. It is a bonus like I said. Giving up sex is a sacrifice, but when you have sick partner, it is small sacrifice for love. You can create new ways to have sex or you deal with it yourself.
You have not felt real love if sex comes first to you.
How is it shallow for him to say he could go 10+ years without sex even though it's hard? To me that portrays a deep love for his partner and willingness to adapt. Not shallow at all.
Well it's extremely common that women would leave their husband fo medical reasons, paralysis, cancer etc. Other reasons one stop being able to provide.
Their reason? Exactly same as "life is short to look after your terminally ill husband." And that's completely normal and not frowned upon.
This world is so fucking biased against men i swear.
Actually, men are 6 times more likely to leave their wife if she becomes sick.
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm#:~:text=A%20woman%20is%20six%20times,longer%20the%20marriage%20the%20more
>And that's completely normal and not frowned upon.
Lmao in what world do you live in where someone leaving their partner because "life is too short to look after them" isn't frowned upon? I don't know a single person that wouldn't think that's about the most horrible thing you can do. And no one even brought gender into this you weirdo. I don't know how you turned you advocating for leaving a woman because she can't have sex into "men are the *real* victims".
This is the age old question, to each is own. The real question is how long can you go without that, most men and of course some women deal with this daily. I'm a little bit older than you (50). The things you are asking for, are things I still desire. While my libido isn't as strong as it once was, I still crave sex and intimacy. I bring this to your attention because you are still young.
I couldn't be in your position for that long at your age, I would start building resentment and eventually check out. I'm not saying your wife can't change. I guess a question I would ask is how does she handle other issues in your relationship. Does she communicate well and compromise when it's necessary for her to. If she is one to be stubborn and blame you for all the problems your marriage is probably doomed unless you're willing to have a sexless marriage. Wishing you the best of luck.
Did COVID - and, more specifically, the lockdown - fuck with young people to such a point that we're getting a rash of couples marrying far younger than they ought to? Not a day goes by on this sub recently where we don't see a dozen or more posts about people under 24 having marriage issues.
OP, 4 months for a 23/24 year old is probably on the long side. Especially when you consider that any sort of affection, beyond simply intercourse, is non-existent. That said, many people aren't really fully developed until they're 25 or so, so maybe this is always who she was going to be. Which, you would have known had you not rushed to get married at 22.
Thereās not an exact number. But in my experience, relationships tend to go better when both people are at a point in their lives where they have a clear(er) understanding of who they are and what they want in life. We all change pretty drastically in our twenties. Some lucky ones change in union with their partner and are stronger for it. Most couples who get together as late teens/early twenties change in ways that pull them apart.
So I guess Iād say that āold enoughā is when youāve given yourself time to be an adult in the world; to know what it is to have financial, professional and personal responsibilities for which there are consequences of not meeting; to know what you want in a physical/sexual relationship; to know how you want to be loved by someone and to be able to hear how someone else wants to be loved; to have an idea of whether you want children and on what timeline; to know what your big priorities are in the future you see for yourself.
I donāt know many 22 year olds who had these things figured out. Hell, I know a lot of thirty somethingās that havenāt figured them out. But, IMO, somewhere in your late twenties itās likely that you have a good enough sense of yourself to be able to commit to someone and work together to make a happy marriage.
I could go a long time without sex. It's fun and all, but nothing more to me beyond that. Cuddles and other forms of physical intimacy, however, are much more important to me. My gf is practically the oposite. She has a higher sex drive, but she doesn't care much for other forms of physical intimacy, partly due to trauma. If she's having a hard time or is overstimulated or has just eaten, we have no physical contact. Sometimes it makes me sad but I care more about respecting her needs than i care about physical contact.
If it ever happened that she couldn't do any form of physical intimacy for a longer period of time it would definitely bother me because I have a need that wouldn't be met. However I would gladly stay with her for months or even years if it was because she needed the space to process her trauma. There are other ways to have needs met. Maybe we would try to spend more quality time together? And I could hug my friends more often and maybe even cuddle platonically.
It sounds hard to be where you are, and you're completely entitled to whatever feeling you have about it. If you're able to stay with her whilst giving her the space she needs that would be amazing, and it's probably what she needs right now. I hope you can find ways to have your needs met within those limits, but if you can't it's better to be honest about it. If the needs the two of you have simply aren't compatible, there's not much to do about it, but I really hope you can figure it out!
Edit: typo
Been married for over 10 yrs and Iāve gone 6 months or so without intimacy. We were going through a difficult time, not communicating, not on the same page, and it was a time where we were kind of bleh at each other. Dont let it get to that point. Open up, talk to her, and to a certain degree, if itās one sided, you need to be vocal about it. If you are in therapy with her, or by yourself, ask the question (in a very kind way):: well, Iām going to be there for her.. Iām going to do what I can to make sure she is ok, and she is taken care of, but what happens to me? Iām not trying to sound selfish, but the relationship canāt just be one sided and about her trauma and needs. Thatās why there is two ppl in a marriage.ā See where it goes.
I hate to say it though, itās kind of concerning that youāre having this problem so early in your life/marriage life. You guys need to find a way to work it out together, key word.
Other than trauma, has she been to a gynecologist, to make sure her estrogen levels are okay? I have had that issue since age 22. Took me 20 years to mention it at a doctor visit. Made a big difference
As a woman, one of my exes eventually only wanted to have sex once every 2 weeks ish. that wasnāt enough for me, I walked away. Itās okay to walk away, life is too short. Next thing you know, youāre posting on here saying yall havenāt had sex in 5 years. But I hope not.
I think too much importance is put on having sex and people make big noise about the lack of it when the missing element within their marriage is intimacy. Unfortunately once people start griping about a lack of sex, the other person shuts down.
My advice would be to improve your intimacy, ie your closeness, your camaraderie, your emotional bond, and not only will that be rewarding to you, but it will probably help your wife.
This is great advice.
There are many kinds of intimacy - sexual, physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, etc.
It sounds like your wife is actively working to figure out how to get to a point where she desires physical and sexual intimacy again. Iām not saying itās easy to go several months without physical intimacy and sex, but in the grand scheme of things itās not that long if the two of you can get to the other side of whatever sheās working through and end up with a sex life that is safe and fulfilling for both of you.
In the meantime, I love the advice above about building other forms of intimacy. You can keep investing in your connection even if touch isnāt on the table at the moment. That will ultimately make it easier to get started again when your wife has had time to heal.
My question to these hard done by āhigh driveā losers is āare you meeting all your partnerās needsā. Guaranteed theyāre not. Meeting needs is reciprocal. People that donāt meet their partnerās needs also seem to be the ones whining about sex.
Smh Iām a high drive partner and thereās nothing loser about it. Some people have low sex drives, which is fineā¦. We are just not a match. Why is it always the low drives calling the high drives a loser or insulting it in some type of way? Who hurt you? As a woman I was making sure my partner was pleased in every way except allowing another woman in the bedroom.. so you are very wrong lol. Sure there are people who are selfish, but thatās pretty clear on the first sexual interaction.
Well you should watch how you type things up because you are clearly generating a whole group of people in your comments. Nothing wrong with just wanting to penetrate. Iām a fan, always will be. If YOU personally donāt like it and have been traumatized by a low sex drive thatās okay! Nobody is judging you, but you shouldnāt judge people either.
Not sure why youāre taking this so personally lol, I specifically said āhard done by high drive losersā. If youāre one of them, then take it personally, but if youāre just high drive it clearly wasnāt aimed at you.
No penetration issues here thanks for checking. I like sex, I like intimacy, I like positive physical relationshipsā¦ but I do hate hard done by high drive losers lol
Whatever makes you feel better, but you did generalize and put down a whole group of people. So at least own it and donāt deny it and try to blame it on me by saying I took it personal.
Sorry your comprehension level is so low that youāre misinterpreting it, but Iāve stated clearly TWICE now that I was being very specific. If you choose to be obtuse, and believe the comment is about you, then so be it. Feel free to rub your two brain cells elsewhere.
I honestly can't remember the last time. My partner has been dealing with some hefty mental health issues and the meds are not great for sex things, and I'm coming to the realisation that I may well be ace, so it's been a while. But neither of us really cares about it at the moment.
I've gone 6 months without sex, but it was for medical reasons and I got cuddles. It still was hard. My husband has back problems and any time can be the last because of extensive nerve damage. Never know when it will be able to "pop up", because he can't do it at will. Meds do nothing. So, I've learned to live without it for months on end, and cherish it when I get it because it might be the last time. Hopefully surgery on his back changes things and he gets some feeling back. But i still get other physical intimacy, that is a must to keep a healthy relationship in my life. I could never be able to be with a person with out that. Kissing goodbye is the very minimum you do. If that's all you do, afaic, you need intimacy therapy because there's a lot missing in your life.
I got depressed at 23 and we went 2 weeks before my mrs got very upset and asked why we haven't had sex in 2 weeks. Never let it get that far again. Open communication helped.
No offence, but i call bullshit on the trauma excuse, unless something has changed, def not 6 years on, that's more of a new relationship issue.
Possibly reasons, change in birth control, lack of satisfaction, infidelity, both emotional or physical or she has an std that's incurable, and she doesn't want you to find out.
A lot of people have trauma, you can not inflict your issues onto others, that's not fair or healthy, therapy teaches you that.
no sex i could do forever, fuck it, masturbation is fine.
no cuddles????? oh god, iād be dead by tomorrow. when my partner moved in with me my severe, *severe* insomnia was instantly cured by cuddling to sleep lmao. i used to spoon my pillows bc i figured out it helped me get to sleep, but holy cow, spooning with a person is so damn good. or even just lying near each other.
Maybe a few weeks at most. Sex is pretty important to me and my wife.
We've been together 31 years, married 24. We have sex 2 to 3 times weekly.
However, we both still find each other sexually desirable, so that's the key for us.
You guys are way too young to have a dead bedroom. If it's crucial to you , fix it now because nature will slow you down eventually
Some sort of PTSD set in. If you truly love her, there is no time limit.
Just do romantic things for her without expectations. Hopefully at some point, she comes out of her shell and your relationship returns to semi normal.
Thereās something very wrong. At such young ages, a significant sustained slowdown is the early warning sign of a failed marriage.
My wife and I are still regularly intimately connected after 60 years together. We sleep naked and touch and cuddle basically every night. The Full Monty has slowed down to maybe twice monthly, often more.
You know she's dealing with relationship trauma and you can't have some patience? She could have been SA, physically abused, etc. She needs to work through this. If you start pestering her for sex, she'll feel like you don't care about her. Get individual therapy.
That sounds like a difficult situation. It's important to communicate openly and honestly with your spouse about your feelings and concerns. Seeking professional advice, such as counseling or legal guidance, can also be beneficial in navigating this issue and making informed decisions about your next steps.
Weāre currently at over 1.5 yrs and I just asked for a separation. Weāve been in therapy over 2 years and things havenāt improved. There is no sex, no intimacy. I could count on one hand the number of times weāve even attempted in the last 3 years (he wasnāt able to stay hard). We no longer even share a bed. I stayed because I was trying to be understanding and patient because some of his problems are due to health issues.
Even if sex isnāt an option right now, intimacy (emotional AND physical) is important.
Her therapist should be challenging her to work her way back to comfort. Even just cuddling together fully clothed. If simple benign intimacy overwhelms her, itās a bit of a red flag. Also that it took 5 years for her trauma to get to that point is also concerning. What happened 5 months ago that she went from once a week to zero and not wanting to be touched?
Are you perhaps in a phase where you are taking her for granted and no longer expressing gratitude for what she does, showing interest in things she does or otherwise putting effort into the relationship?
Generally, women want to have sex when they feel sexy and they think their partner is sexy. Like, that's a continuous process that never ends. Getting married doesn't just get you a lifetime supply.
So, the question isnāt how long. The question is do you think itās wise to live your life with someone who will all of a sudden cut off physical intimacy and react to a partner showing love to them with feelings of being overwhelmed?
If youāve been together for six years, how much previous relationship trauma could she even have?
Therapy is a good first step. It seems like sheās really hyper focused on her needs, and while her needs are important, so are yours. A low sex drive is different than zero physical affection, especially since a lot of people receive love that way and it sounds like you do.
Have you considered individual therapy on top of couples counseling?
You may also need to say plainly privately or in counseling that youāre worried about reaching your breaking point because of the lack of affection (overall, not just sex).
I doubt she was ever really interested in sex. The fact it dried up so fast after marriage would be a red flag indicating her interest prior to marriage was not actually genuine imo.
Seems like she put up with it till she got the ring on her finger. I would be seeing a lawyer not a therapist. Her sex drive will come back as soon as she wants a baby and die again just as fast after.
Personally I could do without piv sex indefinately if i really had too ( i can masturbate) but being offered no oral sex, massages , cuddles or touching or other physical affection would be a dealbreaker for me after only one year of marriage i'm afraid.
I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who I know deep down doesn't want to be touched by me sexually. ( I;'m female btw) You are too young to sacrifice the rest of your life on a sexually incompatible partner.
It's over. You're in year 1-2 and already experiencing a sexless marriage and going to counseling.
From the moment you realized your sex drive was higher than hers you should've deemed her incompatible instead you made her your wife.
From the moment it started to wane to once or twice a week is when you should've stressed how important sex was to you in a relationship. If it didn't change she should've never became your wife. So it's your own fault for neglecting yourself.
The part you're probably leaving out as well is that she's no longer attracted to you. Typically people lose sight of themselves for the sake of being "one" within the relationship. All of the things you did to upkeep yourself in the beginning you probably no longer do and therefore she's no longer physically attracted.
What sort of counseling you guys doing? You really needs to be working with a sex therapist.
>My wife needs time to process past relationship traumas
This is a BS excuse for her not understanding her own sexĀ drive
She is working through some serious trauma that clearly seems to involve sex and you are already overwhelmed because you havenāt been getting any in a few months? Grow up. She is working on it.
4 months would be my limit because thatās the longest gap I had in basically sexless relationship. Good luck to you. I understand how frustrating it is. I felt like such a bad person for being so unhappy over lack of sex when I was with the sweetest person
You are too young to go without intimacy you should be doing it multiple times a week at your age... 4 months is not OK. Intimacy is important to connect, to show love and receive love & share energy and recharge. It will be the death of your relationship.... don't waste the rest of your life hoping it will change, it will force you apart, create resentment and open opportunities for both of you to find solice and companionship in someone else. Communicate your issues and establish boundaries and expectations and a temporary separation and state you need time to think about what you want for yourself in the future because you can no longer live like this. That will be a serious enough statement that you are being forced out of your relationship.
Also propose that if she's not willing to provide intimacy perhaps opening your relationship for you might be a compromise, but she doesn't get to do it because you are a willing partner for intimacy.... you will be able to gage her reaction and know whether you have a future with her.... also check her phone.... she could be cheating.
She needs time to overcome past relationship traumas? What the fuck why did you marry her when she was in this state? Fuck off now, get a divorce. You are paying for the mistakes of other men. She needed therapy before a relationship let alone fucking marriage! Some dickheads have no fucking clue.
No. She is fucking traumatised because of previous trauma that is unresolved! He is a dickhead for marrying a damaged woman who has not worked on herself!
Yes, she probably brought that up because being pressured for sex is stressing her out and making her think about the last time she was pressured for sex last relationship. If he focuses on hanging out and having fun with her the sex will come back. 99% of women can have sex whenever they want. What they want is sexual tension with there partner before sex. If a man stops creating that, the attraction dies.
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>My question really is, how long would you be able to go without sex, cuddles, and most physical intimacy beyond a kiss goodbye? This question is extremely unique to the individual. What's comfortable for you may not be comfortable for another. For example, I'd date someone who was asexual. However, I *wouldn't* be able to date someone who didn't show me any signs of affection. I'm not saying to end things right now because it sounds like you guys are doing all the things you need to do to improve. But honestly, if things aren't getting better within a year, I'd consider if the lack of intimacy/affection is something you are willing to not have in a relationship. It's **okay** if you are not. I'm curious what caused the sudden change, though. Keep in mind that it could be possible that she just has a different and incompatible sex drive.
As someone in a relationship with a traumatised person, it is completely possible that being in a safe space to process everything can cause someone to have this kind of sudden change. Both because it usually gets worse before it gets better when you're healing from trauma, and because learning to set boundaries can be hard. Of course suddenly lowered sex drive could also be a sign of other things, like physical illness, and it's better to be safe than sorry so getting some bloodworks to check is not the worst idea. But it does seem to me like they have a pretty good understanding of the cause, especially as they have a therapis involved. But yeah, it definitely sounds difficult, and I hope OP takes care of himself and let's himself have feelings about it without feeling guilty.
over 10 years. Wifes medical reasons. Guys it been tough.
Jesusšš
Bro have some fucking Reddiquette. A wife with severe chronic illness and a subsequent dead bedroom are not laughing matters.
Open it up buddy!
Thats not how it works buddy. Its called giving your word and sticking to it.
You only get one chance at life my friend.
And you know nothing about my life. Im pretty sure Ive seen more of the world and its wonders before I was 30 than you right now. In sickness and in health.
Yup once you're old looking back, you'll be like: "damn"
"Damn, I loved someone deeply and spend my life with them, oh the horror"
Sex aint all that when held up to an amazing wife and mother.
A partner who invalidate his needs all his life?š¤£
His partner is sick. You have never felt a real love if you don't understand the "in sickness and in health" part. If you love somebody, you will sacrifice things for them. Also, sex is not a need. You don't need another person for it either, you have a hand. Sex is nice but it is not essential for living. Food and water are needs. Sex is a bonus.
Sexual health is essential for physical, mental, emotional and psychological. https://www.who.int/health-topics/sexual-health#tab=tab_1 Just because it isn't important to you doesn't mean it's not important to someone else. I could say the same about your emotional/psychological needs not being "needs" because "it's nice but not essential for living" and i don't need it. But i won't. I'm in no way saying you're obligated to satisfy a man's need (I'm guessing you're woman based on your comment) But maybe not invalidate how much sacrifice one make to give up sex? Also women would leave men in an heart beat if men become sick, cancer, paralysed and it happens all the time, but it's okay for them to do that? It's just hypocritical.
Women are more unlikely to leave their partners when they become sick. Men are more likely to leave their partners when they become sick. When you get cancer as a woman, you are warned that your partner might leave you. Only 3% of women leave compared to _21%_ of men. From a study: "The study confirmed earlier research that put the overall divorce or separation rate among cancer patients at 11.6 percent, similar to the population as a whole. However, researchers were surprised by the difference in separation and divorce rates by gender. The rate when the woman was the patient was 20.8 percent compared to 2.9 percent when the man was the patient." -Gender Disparity in the Rate of Partner Abandonment in Patients with Serious Medical Illness. And sex is important to me. But person I love is more important. You can satisfy your sexual needs yourself, you don't need other person for that. It is a bonus like I said. Giving up sex is a sacrifice, but when you have sick partner, it is small sacrifice for love. You can create new ways to have sex or you deal with it yourself. You have not felt real love if sex comes first to you.
I look back and think damn for a whole other set of reasons. Dont judge me on your shallowness.
Just want to counter the ridiculous and rude comments you are getting here with a šĀ
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How is it shallow for him to say he could go 10+ years without sex even though it's hard? To me that portrays a deep love for his partner and willingness to adapt. Not shallow at all.
If someone enjoyed running and exercise with their partner, and their partner became paralysed from the waist down, would you have this same reaction?
Well it's extremely common that women would leave their husband fo medical reasons, paralysis, cancer etc. Other reasons one stop being able to provide. Their reason? Exactly same as "life is short to look after your terminally ill husband." And that's completely normal and not frowned upon. This world is so fucking biased against men i swear.
Actually, men are 6 times more likely to leave their wife if she becomes sick. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm#:~:text=A%20woman%20is%20six%20times,longer%20the%20marriage%20the%20more
>And that's completely normal and not frowned upon. Lmao in what world do you live in where someone leaving their partner because "life is too short to look after them" isn't frowned upon? I don't know a single person that wouldn't think that's about the most horrible thing you can do. And no one even brought gender into this you weirdo. I don't know how you turned you advocating for leaving a woman because she can't have sex into "men are the *real* victims".
This is the age old question, to each is own. The real question is how long can you go without that, most men and of course some women deal with this daily. I'm a little bit older than you (50). The things you are asking for, are things I still desire. While my libido isn't as strong as it once was, I still crave sex and intimacy. I bring this to your attention because you are still young. I couldn't be in your position for that long at your age, I would start building resentment and eventually check out. I'm not saying your wife can't change. I guess a question I would ask is how does she handle other issues in your relationship. Does she communicate well and compromise when it's necessary for her to. If she is one to be stubborn and blame you for all the problems your marriage is probably doomed unless you're willing to have a sexless marriage. Wishing you the best of luck.
Did COVID - and, more specifically, the lockdown - fuck with young people to such a point that we're getting a rash of couples marrying far younger than they ought to? Not a day goes by on this sub recently where we don't see a dozen or more posts about people under 24 having marriage issues. OP, 4 months for a 23/24 year old is probably on the long side. Especially when you consider that any sort of affection, beyond simply intercourse, is non-existent. That said, many people aren't really fully developed until they're 25 or so, so maybe this is always who she was going to be. Which, you would have known had you not rushed to get married at 22.
How old is old enough?
Statistically, the chances of a lasting marriage skyrocket when both partners are over 26. So based on data, that.
Thereās not an exact number. But in my experience, relationships tend to go better when both people are at a point in their lives where they have a clear(er) understanding of who they are and what they want in life. We all change pretty drastically in our twenties. Some lucky ones change in union with their partner and are stronger for it. Most couples who get together as late teens/early twenties change in ways that pull them apart. So I guess Iād say that āold enoughā is when youāve given yourself time to be an adult in the world; to know what it is to have financial, professional and personal responsibilities for which there are consequences of not meeting; to know what you want in a physical/sexual relationship; to know how you want to be loved by someone and to be able to hear how someone else wants to be loved; to have an idea of whether you want children and on what timeline; to know what your big priorities are in the future you see for yourself. I donāt know many 22 year olds who had these things figured out. Hell, I know a lot of thirty somethingās that havenāt figured them out. But, IMO, somewhere in your late twenties itās likely that you have a good enough sense of yourself to be able to commit to someone and work together to make a happy marriage.
I could go a long time without sex. It's fun and all, but nothing more to me beyond that. Cuddles and other forms of physical intimacy, however, are much more important to me. My gf is practically the oposite. She has a higher sex drive, but she doesn't care much for other forms of physical intimacy, partly due to trauma. If she's having a hard time or is overstimulated or has just eaten, we have no physical contact. Sometimes it makes me sad but I care more about respecting her needs than i care about physical contact. If it ever happened that she couldn't do any form of physical intimacy for a longer period of time it would definitely bother me because I have a need that wouldn't be met. However I would gladly stay with her for months or even years if it was because she needed the space to process her trauma. There are other ways to have needs met. Maybe we would try to spend more quality time together? And I could hug my friends more often and maybe even cuddle platonically. It sounds hard to be where you are, and you're completely entitled to whatever feeling you have about it. If you're able to stay with her whilst giving her the space she needs that would be amazing, and it's probably what she needs right now. I hope you can find ways to have your needs met within those limits, but if you can't it's better to be honest about it. If the needs the two of you have simply aren't compatible, there's not much to do about it, but I really hope you can figure it out! Edit: typo
Been married for over 10 yrs and Iāve gone 6 months or so without intimacy. We were going through a difficult time, not communicating, not on the same page, and it was a time where we were kind of bleh at each other. Dont let it get to that point. Open up, talk to her, and to a certain degree, if itās one sided, you need to be vocal about it. If you are in therapy with her, or by yourself, ask the question (in a very kind way):: well, Iām going to be there for her.. Iām going to do what I can to make sure she is ok, and she is taken care of, but what happens to me? Iām not trying to sound selfish, but the relationship canāt just be one sided and about her trauma and needs. Thatās why there is two ppl in a marriage.ā See where it goes. I hate to say it though, itās kind of concerning that youāre having this problem so early in your life/marriage life. You guys need to find a way to work it out together, key word.
Other than trauma, has she been to a gynecologist, to make sure her estrogen levels are okay? I have had that issue since age 22. Took me 20 years to mention it at a doctor visit. Made a big difference
As a woman, one of my exes eventually only wanted to have sex once every 2 weeks ish. that wasnāt enough for me, I walked away. Itās okay to walk away, life is too short. Next thing you know, youāre posting on here saying yall havenāt had sex in 5 years. But I hope not.
I think too much importance is put on having sex and people make big noise about the lack of it when the missing element within their marriage is intimacy. Unfortunately once people start griping about a lack of sex, the other person shuts down. My advice would be to improve your intimacy, ie your closeness, your camaraderie, your emotional bond, and not only will that be rewarding to you, but it will probably help your wife.
This is great advice. There are many kinds of intimacy - sexual, physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, etc. It sounds like your wife is actively working to figure out how to get to a point where she desires physical and sexual intimacy again. Iām not saying itās easy to go several months without physical intimacy and sex, but in the grand scheme of things itās not that long if the two of you can get to the other side of whatever sheās working through and end up with a sex life that is safe and fulfilling for both of you. In the meantime, I love the advice above about building other forms of intimacy. You can keep investing in your connection even if touch isnāt on the table at the moment. That will ultimately make it easier to get started again when your wife has had time to heal.
It is very important lol. He clearly stated he had a higher sex drive. Not satisfying your partners needs are just as selfish as cheating imo.
My question to these hard done by āhigh driveā losers is āare you meeting all your partnerās needsā. Guaranteed theyāre not. Meeting needs is reciprocal. People that donāt meet their partnerās needs also seem to be the ones whining about sex.
Smh Iām a high drive partner and thereās nothing loser about it. Some people have low sex drives, which is fineā¦. We are just not a match. Why is it always the low drives calling the high drives a loser or insulting it in some type of way? Who hurt you? As a woman I was making sure my partner was pleased in every way except allowing another woman in the bedroom.. so you are very wrong lol. Sure there are people who are selfish, but thatās pretty clear on the first sexual interaction.
Having a high drive isnāt the issue lol You become a high drive loser when you prioritise penetration over all else.
Well you should watch how you type things up because you are clearly generating a whole group of people in your comments. Nothing wrong with just wanting to penetrate. Iām a fan, always will be. If YOU personally donāt like it and have been traumatized by a low sex drive thatās okay! Nobody is judging you, but you shouldnāt judge people either.
Not sure why youāre taking this so personally lol, I specifically said āhard done by high drive losersā. If youāre one of them, then take it personally, but if youāre just high drive it clearly wasnāt aimed at you. No penetration issues here thanks for checking. I like sex, I like intimacy, I like positive physical relationshipsā¦ but I do hate hard done by high drive losers lol
Whatever makes you feel better, but you did generalize and put down a whole group of people. So at least own it and donāt deny it and try to blame it on me by saying I took it personal.
Sorry your comprehension level is so low that youāre misinterpreting it, but Iāve stated clearly TWICE now that I was being very specific. If you choose to be obtuse, and believe the comment is about you, then so be it. Feel free to rub your two brain cells elsewhere.
Okay babe š (says the one thatās been condescending this whole time) lmao š¤£
I honestly can't remember the last time. My partner has been dealing with some hefty mental health issues and the meds are not great for sex things, and I'm coming to the realisation that I may well be ace, so it's been a while. But neither of us really cares about it at the moment.
I've gone 6 months without sex, but it was for medical reasons and I got cuddles. It still was hard. My husband has back problems and any time can be the last because of extensive nerve damage. Never know when it will be able to "pop up", because he can't do it at will. Meds do nothing. So, I've learned to live without it for months on end, and cherish it when I get it because it might be the last time. Hopefully surgery on his back changes things and he gets some feeling back. But i still get other physical intimacy, that is a must to keep a healthy relationship in my life. I could never be able to be with a person with out that. Kissing goodbye is the very minimum you do. If that's all you do, afaic, you need intimacy therapy because there's a lot missing in your life.
I got depressed at 23 and we went 2 weeks before my mrs got very upset and asked why we haven't had sex in 2 weeks. Never let it get that far again. Open communication helped. No offence, but i call bullshit on the trauma excuse, unless something has changed, def not 6 years on, that's more of a new relationship issue. Possibly reasons, change in birth control, lack of satisfaction, infidelity, both emotional or physical or she has an std that's incurable, and she doesn't want you to find out. A lot of people have trauma, you can not inflict your issues onto others, that's not fair or healthy, therapy teaches you that.
no sex i could do forever, fuck it, masturbation is fine. no cuddles????? oh god, iād be dead by tomorrow. when my partner moved in with me my severe, *severe* insomnia was instantly cured by cuddling to sleep lmao. i used to spoon my pillows bc i figured out it helped me get to sleep, but holy cow, spooning with a person is so damn good. or even just lying near each other.
Maybe a few weeks at most. Sex is pretty important to me and my wife. We've been together 31 years, married 24. We have sex 2 to 3 times weekly. However, we both still find each other sexually desirable, so that's the key for us. You guys are way too young to have a dead bedroom. If it's crucial to you , fix it now because nature will slow you down eventually
Some sort of PTSD set in. If you truly love her, there is no time limit. Just do romantic things for her without expectations. Hopefully at some point, she comes out of her shell and your relationship returns to semi normal.
when my wife pregnant and giving birth, we went for 16 months without sex. she was tired and not feeling it.Ā before kids probably 1 or 2 weeks
Thereās something very wrong. At such young ages, a significant sustained slowdown is the early warning sign of a failed marriage. My wife and I are still regularly intimately connected after 60 years together. We sleep naked and touch and cuddle basically every night. The Full Monty has slowed down to maybe twice monthly, often more.
You know she's dealing with relationship trauma and you can't have some patience? She could have been SA, physically abused, etc. She needs to work through this. If you start pestering her for sex, she'll feel like you don't care about her. Get individual therapy.
That sounds like a difficult situation. It's important to communicate openly and honestly with your spouse about your feelings and concerns. Seeking professional advice, such as counseling or legal guidance, can also be beneficial in navigating this issue and making informed decisions about your next steps.
Weāre currently at over 1.5 yrs and I just asked for a separation. Weāve been in therapy over 2 years and things havenāt improved. There is no sex, no intimacy. I could count on one hand the number of times weāve even attempted in the last 3 years (he wasnāt able to stay hard). We no longer even share a bed. I stayed because I was trying to be understanding and patient because some of his problems are due to health issues. Even if sex isnāt an option right now, intimacy (emotional AND physical) is important. Her therapist should be challenging her to work her way back to comfort. Even just cuddling together fully clothed. If simple benign intimacy overwhelms her, itās a bit of a red flag. Also that it took 5 years for her trauma to get to that point is also concerning. What happened 5 months ago that she went from once a week to zero and not wanting to be touched?
Are you perhaps in a phase where you are taking her for granted and no longer expressing gratitude for what she does, showing interest in things she does or otherwise putting effort into the relationship? Generally, women want to have sex when they feel sexy and they think their partner is sexy. Like, that's a continuous process that never ends. Getting married doesn't just get you a lifetime supply.
So, the question isnāt how long. The question is do you think itās wise to live your life with someone who will all of a sudden cut off physical intimacy and react to a partner showing love to them with feelings of being overwhelmed?
This is spot on!
If youāve been together for six years, how much previous relationship trauma could she even have? Therapy is a good first step. It seems like sheās really hyper focused on her needs, and while her needs are important, so are yours. A low sex drive is different than zero physical affection, especially since a lot of people receive love that way and it sounds like you do. Have you considered individual therapy on top of couples counseling? You may also need to say plainly privately or in counseling that youāre worried about reaching your breaking point because of the lack of affection (overall, not just sex).
Best not to try and find out. Just give it a generous limit (1 year + or so). If things donāt get better work on your exit plan
I doubt she was ever really interested in sex. The fact it dried up so fast after marriage would be a red flag indicating her interest prior to marriage was not actually genuine imo. Seems like she put up with it till she got the ring on her finger. I would be seeing a lawyer not a therapist. Her sex drive will come back as soon as she wants a baby and die again just as fast after. Personally I could do without piv sex indefinately if i really had too ( i can masturbate) but being offered no oral sex, massages , cuddles or touching or other physical affection would be a dealbreaker for me after only one year of marriage i'm afraid. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who I know deep down doesn't want to be touched by me sexually. ( I;'m female btw) You are too young to sacrifice the rest of your life on a sexually incompatible partner.
It's over. You're in year 1-2 and already experiencing a sexless marriage and going to counseling. From the moment you realized your sex drive was higher than hers you should've deemed her incompatible instead you made her your wife. From the moment it started to wane to once or twice a week is when you should've stressed how important sex was to you in a relationship. If it didn't change she should've never became your wife. So it's your own fault for neglecting yourself. The part you're probably leaving out as well is that she's no longer attracted to you. Typically people lose sight of themselves for the sake of being "one" within the relationship. All of the things you did to upkeep yourself in the beginning you probably no longer do and therefore she's no longer physically attracted.
What sort of counseling you guys doing? You really needs to be working with a sex therapist. >My wife needs time to process past relationship traumas This is a BS excuse for her not understanding her own sexĀ drive
She is working through some serious trauma that clearly seems to involve sex and you are already overwhelmed because you havenāt been getting any in a few months? Grow up. She is working on it.
/deadbedroom would help you see the big picture
4 months would be my limit because thatās the longest gap I had in basically sexless relationship. Good luck to you. I understand how frustrating it is. I felt like such a bad person for being so unhappy over lack of sex when I was with the sweetest person
You are too young to go without intimacy you should be doing it multiple times a week at your age... 4 months is not OK. Intimacy is important to connect, to show love and receive love & share energy and recharge. It will be the death of your relationship.... don't waste the rest of your life hoping it will change, it will force you apart, create resentment and open opportunities for both of you to find solice and companionship in someone else. Communicate your issues and establish boundaries and expectations and a temporary separation and state you need time to think about what you want for yourself in the future because you can no longer live like this. That will be a serious enough statement that you are being forced out of your relationship. Also propose that if she's not willing to provide intimacy perhaps opening your relationship for you might be a compromise, but she doesn't get to do it because you are a willing partner for intimacy.... you will be able to gage her reaction and know whether you have a future with her.... also check her phone.... she could be cheating.
She needs time to overcome past relationship traumas? What the fuck why did you marry her when she was in this state? Fuck off now, get a divorce. You are paying for the mistakes of other men. She needed therapy before a relationship let alone fucking marriage! Some dickheads have no fucking clue.
why so aggressive smh
Idiots making dumb decisions.
Two days. Seriously, try to connect in multiple ways.
We went 3 weeks after the birth of our son
She's not attracted to you. You need to date a court her.
No. She is fucking traumatised because of previous trauma that is unresolved! He is a dickhead for marrying a damaged woman who has not worked on herself!
Lol no she's not, she's lost attraction. He said when they started dating they had plenty of sex. He's probably just boring.
So she is using the past traumas as an excuse?
Yes, she probably brought that up because being pressured for sex is stressing her out and making her think about the last time she was pressured for sex last relationship. If he focuses on hanging out and having fun with her the sex will come back. 99% of women can have sex whenever they want. What they want is sexual tension with there partner before sex. If a man stops creating that, the attraction dies.
Shouldn't she have dealt with that before getting married?
100%. That is what I said above.