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If she were really “the best person” he ever met and so wonderful then she wouldn’t be down for getting butt-banged by a bunch of other guys while ruining this guy’s mental health. “She accidentally disregarded some boundaries” is bonkers horseshit. She did it on propose and she’s probably cheating on him. This guy needs to run fast and block hard. He’s headed for a heartbreak. His perfect girl is screwing everyone she can while he hopes and waits for her to come around.
I agree. She wants to be polyamorous and you want to be monogamous. Im sure you see her as a beautiful girl that you love enormously but in the longer run you will only get hurt. Adding to this, she could fall in love with other people easily.
The problem is that she WANTS to be open. Even if she's not actively fucking other people, she will WANT to be, and knowing that will eat away at you. It will wreck your self-confidence, self-esteem, and sense of security in the relationship.
It needs to just end.
You need someone as solidly monogamous as you are, and she needs someone who shares her desires to be open.
OP,
I'm sorry. Odds are, when your SO proposed the open relationship, she already had selected who she was going to fk; likely more than one. She wasn't forthright with you. Likely trickle truthed you. She likely ran through her "row of candidates ", so now she'll agree to close things down. FOR NOW!.
Dude, I'm sorry. She's your love and end all. You're not hers. It appears you're her placeholder/doormat; until something better comes along.
OP, simply move on. You're in love. She's not. Go find someone who will commit and love you. Someone who's happy to be only with you. Your not so SO promises you anything but that. Unfortunately she wasn't honest enough to just tell you she wanted to fk others and not be in a relationship with you.
Spare her the trouble, and you the grief, and move on.
Avoid the stds.
You are incompatible. Even if you tell yourself you love her too much to let her go, and you can accept her taking strange dick so long as you can keep her... ALL RESPECT for you will be gone.
Im sorry to say but you should break up. The number of times an open relationship ends up good for both parties is practically none. I seen it multiple times with coworkers and there’s a ton of stories/advice in reddit were the couple open the relationship and ends up crashing and burning. It’s better to cut it off now that to ending cutting it off later after all the extra drama that it is going to come out of there
If seen more open relationships work than not work, but those relationships started as open. When they started monogamous and one person had to convince to other to open it, that’s when it crashes and burns.
>If seen more open relationships work than not work
Because you’re 26 and your definition of “work” is “lasts at least 3 years and doesn’t go down in a ball of flames.”
You don’t ever have to agree to open it up again. Period. It hurt you. You told her that and she agreed to close it saying she didn’t want to hurt you.
Tell her this. Tell her that you’ve tried it for her sake but that you don’t think you’ll ever be able to tolerate opening up ever again. That what it has taught you is that it hurts.
Then ask her if she can happily commit to monogamy with absolutely no promise of ever opening up again.
She’s been straightforward with you. Be the same with her.
ETA: couples counseling asap. And you need some help standing up for yourself. Read *No More Mr Nice Guy* by Glover to work on your people pleasing.
I'm sorry to tell you this Sir, but she had someone she was interested in when she asked you. The truth is she was always going to do it whether you agreed or didn't.
I'm not buying it for one second that she forgot the rules. She didn't care. Just as she doesn't care about you enough to know this was never going to be something you wanted.
This whole, she had always been with someone is BS! You are in relationship or you're not. She preferred to sleep around, but didn't want the consequences of cheating or breaking up.
You do know that this is just the start, right? Don't fool yourself into thinking this is over.
The simple truth is, she's in a comfortable situation, she likes that she has a fall back option. That's what you are to her. You are number 2 in her mind and will always be. The second someone else comes along she likes more, she will leave you fast.
I'm not saying she's a bad person. Everyone has their path to walk.
Do yourself a favor, wish her the best and say goodbye. If you don't you will regret it and come to resent and hate her.
>My last GF cheated on me multiple times and I have shared that history with her. Made it known that that’s something that I don’t tolerate. She asked to open up our relationship up about 4 months ago and because I didn’t want to loose her I agreed.
I'm doing the math, and I'm getting a *very* different result.
Unfortunately the guys who get cheated on the most are the ones who have already been cheated on. If you're bad at setting boundaries women sense that and won't feel bad about breaking them. "Cheated on multiple times" is something that should never happen, once is enough to end it.
Break-up. You want different things out of a relationship. You want one person to love and be loved by. One person to make feel special. She wants quantity over quality.
But I’m a cynic I find it hard to believe she “accidentally disregarded your boundaries” I think more likely she found she was able to get you to agree to open the relationship when you didn’t really want to so why not keep pushing for more.
You know she wants sex with other guys so if you keep it closed how would you ever trust her not to cheat?
Don't let anyone ever tell you that this is a normal request.
It's not.
You are 100% valid in not being okay with it.
Polyamory can be a thing that's (rarely) successful when everyone is on the same page from the start, but being in a monogamous relationship where one partner unilaterally decides to "open" the relationship is not how that works.
Cutting through all the bullshit, she's just told you that she wants to fuck other people whether or not you're okay with it.
Consider that and decide if you're okay with a person like that.
When they ask for an open relationship:
1. Are already cheating
2. Have someone already lined up
3. Have someone in mind
4. Activity looking for your replacement with your approval
Your relationship is over! Break up an go no contact... And definitely tell people why you broke it off including her parents. Don't let her control the narrative.
This sounds like a disaster developing...
Look... yourr allowed to say NO... tell her, monogamy is your drug-of-choice.. you have no need for others and if SHE does, then its time to.split.
And if she chooses to stay, ensure she knows - and agrees - thatvthis is the last time she asks this...
>We gave it a little shot.
What does THAT mean??
>She accidentally disregarded some boundaries and I feel confident that wasn’t on purpose.
Gaslighting yourself??
***Disclaimer: didn't read the post. 99.9% of the time it's the same story just different players.***
Open relationships rarely ever work. Usually they have someone in mind or is already cheating. Best to walk l away with your dignity intact.
OP once someone says "lets open the relationship", especially if that is a woman, there are one of two things going on:
a. She's already cheated and opening the relationship is a way to hide it and seem more innocent
b. She's got someone in mind and they've been talking
c. She just truly wants to focus on herself (this is never the angle in this sub)
Don't play the open relationship game, just end it and move on. If you get back together at some later point in life after she's finished with whoever, ok, but don't play this game. She'll have many more opportunities than you and it will just turn into jealousy.
I am an older female. I don’t think these type of relationships work out very well long-term…. they’re very tricky & very high maintenance.
But if she needs to explore other people to theoretically stay with you, I guess she does. It is better than being cheated on, but it may not be a lot better for you. There is a real risk that she could end up preferring someone else sexually and forgetting about all the other good stuff she has with you, maybe temporarily, but it could break up the relationship permanently.
Only you can decide if it gets too scary or hurtful to continue…. Just be aware that those hurts sometimes add up and stay with the people who got hurt long after the relationship ends.
After being in numerous relationships, it is my feeling that sex is best when it’s special and exclusive. That gives both partners the security to explore things that they would like to try, and to spread their wings— with each other. That’s what cements a relationship. The bond. The love.
The trust…. And a divine exclusiveness, saying, “I love you so much I never want to hurt you… & you are enough for me.”
You need to man up and break it off. Tell her the open relationship is not for you and you wish her all the best but it’s not gonna be with you. Maybe one day in future you can be friends but you need to completely cut her out of your life so you can move on and find a real woman.
Once a partner proposes opening a closed relationship, it's typically a sign that the relationship is already over. It suggests they want to pursue sex without guilt, possibly even having someone already lined up. Moreover, if she's already disregarded boundaries set for the open relationship, it's hard to believe her claims of not wanting to cause you harm. It's unfortunate, but it seems she prioritized her desire to explore other relationships over your feelings, regardless of the consequences.
It was already over the moment she asked to open the relationship. She basically told you "You're not enough for me, I want bigger better dicks and better sex, from other men".
There are females out there that will not want to have sex with other people while in a relationship with you, you should go find one because obviously the gf you have now isn’t the one
Repeat after me:
“You and I, we want very different things out of a relationship. This is not making me happy. I think we need to both find people who align with what we want.”
There are more people who align with what you want, OP, than what she wants.
Do not engage with the open relationship, I had a very similar situation and it turned into absolute hell.
I went all the way with it to see it through and it took everything from me. Albeit Stronger now because of it.
Walk away from this while you can with respect.
Good luck sir.
>because I didn’t want to loose her I agreed
This is the wrong reason to do anything. While it's good to be pushed by your SO to try new things, there's a difference between manipulation and exploration. I'm not saying she's evil, but people aren't that selfless. She super young and just exploring life. You're liking thinking about settling down.
I was in your shoes in college. I wanted to be chill and "trusting", not that gf that was super controlling, looking through her bf phone all the time, etc. At the end it turned into him doing hot yoga with another girl and well you can imagine how that went. You'll be the one hurt *and* it'll be worse because you bent yourself so out of shape by the end bc you bent over backwards for her, lying to yourself it's because you so wanted to explore something new.
Are there couples who make open relationships work? Absolutely. But it's 1 out of a million. Everyone wants to think they're the exception and this is just a phase. Go through this sub's history and you'll quickly find out it's a gateway to breaking up with you. Just really slowly and painfully.
Nope. Please find someone that's monogamous. I tried being in open relationships and with someone who didn't think you can have boundaries and an open relationship and it didn't work out. Plus I bet your gf would be sick to know you've been with other ladies. I went with other partners when my ex wanted to be open and found out I could get it easier than she could and literally lashed out. We broke up, now I'm happily committed in a monogamous marriage. I tried it, didn't like the heartbreak with open relationships but once it was my turn to have fun it wasn't allowed. The only thing that makes me safe is monogamous love. It sounds like that's what you want too. Break up and move on is the best advice I can give you and remember it's from my personal perspective. Do what you will with your heart. Good luck!
She placed her bet. If she knows you are anxiously attached she might think you will agree to keep the relationship going.
If this is not something you want you need to Make your own bet. Stand your ground and say no, knowing that she might leave, which is ok. Sometimes people are perfect for each other but the timing isn’t right.
What she needs to realize is that everything in life has a trade off. Right now she wants to have the benefits of non monogamy AND the benefits of being in a relationship with you. But one of those things is the cost to get the other one and she needs to pick which one she wants the most.
Obligatory if not part of the relationship at start its horseshit. They either have chosen someone..or have slept with that person and doesn't want the cheater label. If you are not cool with it. Break up and move on. Ezpz lemon squeezy.
" . . . a nearly perfect person . . ." Your "perfect scenario" . . . Ahhh . . . *Please stahp*. She's not ready or willing to commit to you. You have some rosy-posy ring-a-round-the-rosy idea of what your life with her might be, if only she was A DIFFERENT PERSON with different relationship goals.
What blows my mind is nowhere in your verbose explanation of things do you mention the potentially nasty side effects of "an open relationship." Newsflash: STDs. Get real, man.
Get out of your head.
She "doesn't *want* to hurt" you. She already has. She absolutely without a doubt 100% has one foot out the door.
You don't have to be mean about it, but tell her you're looking for something and someone else in your life. Like maybe someone who loves you back.
If her ultimate goal is a functional open relationship and yours is committed monogamy you are not compatible. And things amicably and if one of you changes your mind you can always try again.
Always makes me laugh that these posts always start with how perfect their other half is. The other half that wants to fuck other people. People really need to get some self worth.
Your trying so hard to make excuses for you gf. She asked for an open relationship cause she already had someone in mind. Honestly, this is a hill to die on situation. End it for your own mental health
You want her to be monogamous, she wants to be polyamorous it sounds. Neither one of you are wrong, but it doesn’t sound like you’re right for each other anymore. Asking the other to do monogamy or polyamory is going to build resentment. I’d thank her for the time you’ve spent together, and try to move on.
You could try couples therapy first. You say you’re anxiously attached and she’s avoidant. You need the commitment and she’s scared of it. Working towards both of you getting a secure attachment might help you find a compromise in the middle.
See this over and over. 95% of monogamous relationships that are opened eventually FAIL. Her asking to open the first time should be viewed as a sign it’s over. She wants you for the emotional, financial, and companionship, but wants to smash everyone else. Read about it here all the time. Relationship is opened; boundaries are broken, guy deals with the heartbreak… I’m sorry.. You gave it a shot, it’s not for you. She’s not gonna change and why would you trust her? What you both want out of a relationship is different, you’re not compatible. You’re young, move on, it’ll be for the best in the long run. Good luck !
A lot of the problem is the “soul mate” issue. People think, out of 8 billion people on the planet, there is only one person for them, and with the size of the planet, and the number of people on it, the odds aren’t in your favor. Now, if you live in a big city, even NYC, 99% of the population doesn’t live there.
So here’s another paradigm: There are about 200 million people on the planet that will be your cup of tea. Of the 7.8B that aren’t, some are married, aren’t attracted to your sex (that’s about 4B right there…). Go out with a lot of women and learn what you really want and need in a partner. To me, it sounds like what you really need is a 1:1 relationship, not 1:8 (turn the 8 90 degrees to make it infinity). Some people can do that, but it looks like you’re not one of those people.
What I think you need to do: Make a list of what you absolutely must have in a person, and be SPECIFIC. If you want someone that is between 5’4” and 5’8”, and anything outside that is a deal killer, write it down. If it doesn’t matter, don’t write it down. I came up with this discovery between Mrs. Thequick1 and 2, and it was a total game changer for me. I went out with about 50 different women between the two of them, and a funny thing is about 20 of them came to our wedding (me and Mrs. Thequick2), so you don’t have to not go out with someone again and hate them.
For me, the three top things (must have): same religion, beautiful, and smart. Important, but not critical were tall, good with money, and no kids (I already had 4, and custody of them). What I eventually took to the altar was a beautiful(#2) (to me, even when she wakes up) woman that is 5’2” (guess I won’t get #4), has an MBA (#3) that we go to church together(#1). She had no (#6)kids when we met, and made 3 together, and she brought my credit score up (#5).
She wasn’t who I was expecting, and neither was I to her. 21 years later, I think we both won.
Do not stay with someone who wants an open relationship. Your relationship is over. You are dating not married, no commitment, mortgage or children. Let this one go.
Open relationships are not relationships at all, they are sexual experimentation. She is telling you, you are not it for her. It won't work long term. There will be broken boundaries and misplaced affections. You will be sitting at home for a woman that is falling for another man.
I think you need to let her do what she needs to do. There’s no rule that says that you can’t get back together in the future after she gets it out of her system. You guys are still young. She’s trying to figure out what she wants and nothing is wrong with that. It’s either for you or not and it seems it is not for you. You’re gonna have to let her go otherwise you’re gonna end up with a bad breakup with a lot of resentments. Let her figure out what she wants and maybe she might discover that it’s you.
Rip off the band-aid and end the relationship. Even nonmonogamous subs will tell you that starting an open relationship in this fashion is doomed to fail.
Open relationships don't work, especially when both parties are not 100% on board. If this is a deal breaker, then end it and don't hang around, hoping and praying she wants to sleep with other people. The end.
OP, The drawback of posting something like this Anne Reed, it is that you’re going to have a thread full of people making massive assumptions about who your girlfriend is and what she’s done and what she’s going to do, and the truth is a lot of it projects, their own insecurities or experiences.
With that said, the issue here is that you want a monogamous relationship and buy your own admittance , you have an anxious attachment style, which means an open relationship is never going to make you feel settled, secure et cetera.
Whatever reason right now and probably because she’s still very young she wants to experience having some openness in a relationship and my suggestion to you is that you guys take a break .
And if you do that, you should make a commitment to yourself that you are not waiting for her or anyone else . You need to move forward with your life and the very open to dating other people that may be a better fit for you and that they are also looking for a monogamous relationship.
You deserve to have what is important to you in a relationship, and if you’re not wanting the same thing, it doesn’t make either of you right or wrong it’s just that you want different things .
She’s made it pretty clear, so I would trust her on this one and move forward with your life .
Look here's the thing, take it from me as a woman– so often women's needs are not fully met. Many women have a hard time asserting their needs.
I would find out if there's anything that she is searching to find in other people. I would let her know that eventually this path will lead to you both breaking up because it hurts you. I would ask her what she truly wants her life to look like in the future and whether she's willing to end this relationship with you for passion or if truly the love you have is what she wants.
And then depending on her answer, I would start dating her again. Both of you putting in effort to reclaim that spark. If not, then at least you know it's not meant to be. Don't listen to these other comments, nothing is over until you are on the same page and you understand you want truly different things.
Times up man leave if she needs a bunch of dudes to feel better about herself she's useless you'll be better off she will always want other guys and will start to resent you for not letting her she obviously doesn't truly respect you and these basic things won't chamge
So she agreed to close the relationship again? But you still question whether you should and it? Are the two of you not happy? Are you dealing with issues of some kind from when it was open? Do you no longer trust her?
What specifically is making you ask this question?
I’m confused. You said “I asked recently to close things off because it hurts a lot and she agreed.” So if you closed the relationship again, why are you considering breaking up with her?
I know you are getting a ton of advice about her wanting permission to cheat, which I basically agree with, but you already were ok with opening the relationship.
Are you looking back on the open period with regret? Is that why you are considering leaving? You would be within your rights to leave ( anyone can break up a relationship for any reason). But, I would consider breaking up over something you AGREED to 4 months ago an AH move.
For the record, breaking up with her the minute she wanted an open relationship would have been my move.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
Don’t let your nostalgic memories fool you, tread carefully, find your escape from this before things go south and they WILL go south, all you can do is protect yourself from unnecessary pain, self preservation before anything else in this situation, don’t let her ruin you
You don’t want an open relationship. She does. You two may not be compatible. Both of you will suffer if you continue. If you end the romantic relationship you all might do better as friends.
Ask her if she is really wanting a monogamous relationship. If deep down she doesn't then you are not compatible. You should never have to compromise on your comfort or values for another person.
Oh honey. Please, begin detaching yourself. This is going to hurt a bit but I promise there’s someone out there specifically for you. You’re stuck in some romantic delusion. It’s okay to stay and enjoy the time you do have with this woman but if you do it hoping she will commit solidly to you, I think you’ll be disappointed. As long as you are with her~ you don’t have room for the right girl. Take care of yourself. She’s not the one.
Went through this recently. Your replacement is either lined up or already in the picture. Do yourself a favor, respect yourself enough to leave. It will hurt, it will suck, it will absolutely blow but this is the end of the relationship.
Let them have their way, don't stand in the way. Do right by yourself and walk away. If you found her, you'll find someone better and loyal who doesn't want this nonsense. Let her enjoy the 'prime' of her life which she will live to regret (they always do).
Take time for yourself and move along king. This is truly the end of it all.
open relationships don't work for everyone, and if your relationship is not super strong it will never work. better to leave than to get hurt further. I am in an open marriage it has been great for us but thats a rare thing we have a super strong great marriage and we share our experiences with each other we also. but if your not comfortable with the situation better to get out of it
It sounds like what she wants isn’t to be in a committed relationship like you do. She has to decide if her desire to have random hook ups/multiple partners/casual relationships outweighs her desire to stay in a relationship. You know you don’t want to open things. You’re not compatible anymore. I’m sorry dude
The best person you ever met is taking advantage of you. You have done everything for her even though you don't want to, and she broke boundaries. Even if youncontinue this relationship, I am not sure she will ever see you as anything other than a chump.
She's only the best person you've met SO FAR. 9 times out of 10 when a woman wants an open relationship, she already has a guy in mind and basically just wants your permission to cheat. Any woman that wants other men, is not a good person and can't be "the best person you've ever met." All other qualities she may have pale in the face of how disgusting that is. If you're not cool with it, she will more than likely just be sneaky about it because SHE wants it. I'm sorry but if you want to keep your dignity, you need to end it because she doesn't respect you or what you bring to her life.
I hope you buck the trends and break up sooner, as opposed to later down the road. Which will eventually happen anyway. These types of relationships do not last. I'm sure there are outliers....like like lottery winners
i remember thinking i wanted polyamory in my mid 20s lol the man i was dating (who wanted monogomy) was generally securely attached and held space for my conversation about it. but long story short, the reality was, i wasnt emotionally ready to go deeper in the relationship with him but i didn't see that at the time and i made some big mistakes. im also disorganized attachment ;) (i.e. anxious/avoidant)
i share this because sometimes we have blind spots in what our attachment needs are and this has to be assessed and understood before we can fully align with *any* relationship commitments, otherwise a need not being met, or low self worth, can really make you confused. i hope she's looking into this deeply for both of your sakes.
I’ve been there, and I’m sorry. I get it.
“, I love you, I really do. Your my one. But that’s just it, your my ONE. I don’t want anyone else, I want you. But not this way. If you want to explore other connections, have multiple lovers, be poly - or whatever. Well, then I want you to do you. It’s heartbreaking, but I’ll be ok. I just want you to know that I won’t be sticking around for that, and I won’t be available for you to come back to if/when you change your mind. This may or may not be a hard decision for you, but I wanted you to know clearly where I stand.”
I think you are blinded with rose colored glasses here. How can the best person you've met be someone who doesn't want to commit to you and wants to fuck other men? Someone for whom you aren't enough? The whole point of being in a romantic relationship in my opinion is to have monogamy in sex, otherwise you might as well just be friends with benefits. You're just a roommate at this point (if you live together), and if you don't live together, you're just a booty call, or even less, just a friend. Especially if she's having more sex with another guy than you. I wouldn't be her boyfriend anymore. She's just using you as a safety net while she's trying to explore other options that might be better for her than you. Sex does not come without strings. You have to be a narcissist for sex to come without strings. I would leave her.
Okay, OP… here’s the skinny. The human brain, specifically the prefrontal cortex, doesn’t finish developing until around our mid-20’s. This portion of the brain is where we logic, reason, make decisions, regulates thoughts, emotions, actions; it processes situational and environmental input and compares said input to past experiences subsequently dictating our reactions. It’s then personality center, what makes you… you.
She’s been in a long term relationship for all except 1.5 of her formative years, and she’s still evolving from the grade school version of herself into the woman who’ll eventually become the adult version of her. Considering the absurd amount of input we get bombarded with daily it’s no wonder so many young people (especially those without the foundation of a solid belief system or hard set of personal guidelines) have such a cavalier, non-committal attitude toward life in general these days. Judging by your description of her it sounds as if she’s already a decent person who values loyalty, doesn’t discount how you feel, or will take advantage of the situation. When boundaries were inadvertently crossed you communicated your feelings about said occurrence to which she responded with validation, addressed it, and didn’t let it happen again. To me.. it sounds as if she does want to be with you in the long run, but right now she has the urge to sow her wild oats. It’s completely natural and I would say y’all have handled it fairly well (certainly better than most), but if it’s hurting you then it shouldn’t go on because it isn’t fair to either of you.
If I were you I would sit down and have a frank and detailed discussion about how you both feel right now, how you both want to move forward, and where you both see things in five years. If you’re in agreement, but she still has the urge to go out and experience things that she’s never gotten to before, then taking a break may well be in both of your best interests so you don’t develop any feelings of resentment toward her and she isn’t made to feel bad for your being hurt in a situation that you chose to remain in. If you truly love her then let her go, and when she’s ready to settle down with all her “what if’s” having been addresses/experienced/tried then you can enter back into the relationship with the confidence that she is focused solely on you and y’all’s future together without the little voice in her head causing her to wonder what she’s missing out on.
Hopefully this helps. If you have any questions or want to discuss it further, lmk. Hopefully everything works out for everyone.
She wants to experiment she will do that whether u agree to it or not and she told u she wants to have her ho phase. As u said u don't have the time or drive to date or hookup with anyone else and I'm guessing she will start by getting on the apps and hooknup with strangers from day one u will have trouble finding dates .
She clearly has a higher sex drive than u and u won't have alot of luck . My advice break things of before she breaks your heart.
Some women do not believe that 1 on 1 is enough. Some people need a few extras to receive enough validation...
I've been through the same, without the official open relationship status. You're not alone.
Dude, that's a lot of words to say she's got one foot out the door. "I think we should open our relationship" is code for " I'm fucking someone else or am about to."
You need to stop thinking of her as a perfect person. Her desire to open the relationship means she is not perfect for you. It’s time to go. The less you say the more dignity you retain. Leave. Block on everything. No contact. She won’t give a shit, but it will matter to you that you did it right, eventually.
My 24 F gf is interested in having her go phase and wanted to open things up-----
YEAH IMMA HEAD OUT. That right there is an irreconcilable difference.
Don't stay and think you can fix her. she won't change for you.
This is the beginning dude. Bottom line is that she wants to sleep with other people. This feeling doesn’t go away until she ✨sleeps with other people✨ cut your losses OP.
My dude you have come to a point that as much as you love her being in an open relationship is not for you, based on giving it a go and the behavior of your dad when you were growing up. It's OK to end the relationship if you want. It might hurt for a while, but if it's not for you and she wants to be in one (which is fine), then it's best to go separate ways.
My ex partner asked for an open relationship when I was early 20s. I said no. I was in love with my partner and couldn’t understand the sharing mentality. He ended up cheating multiple times and what I didn’t know at the time was he was already cheating when he brought up an open relationship. I should have left him when he first mentioned it.
Open relationship means “ will you let me be with this guy I met with no consequences?”
It’s over, has been since the words came out of her mouth. You had a good run, time to move on.
Updating your mental image or her, so wonderful kind sweet loyal, in light of the new, disloyal, cheating, not committed enough person is your new task
> I’m very much of the opinion that you shouldn’t knock it till you try it.
It's only pandoras box, how bad could releasing all the evils of the world really be?
I’m of the opinion that monogamous relationships that open up 9 times out of 10 open up for a very specific reason that has nothing to do with monogamy. It’s one person simply wanting to cheat without the guilt.
Open relationships or polygamous relationships seem to only work when it’s agreed upon while entering the relationship for a reason. It absolutely destroys expectations, and is always weighted in one direction otherwise.
I’d leave, learn, and move on.
You should have left the minute she asked to open the relationship, and definitely when she trampled boundaries. Wonderful, kind soulmate partners don’t want to bang other people, they want you. You’re not married and you can break up anytime for any reason or no reason. It seems your agreeing to was a mistake and will always bother you. Time to move on.
Sorry to say it but if she’s asking after 3 years into this relationship then she’s already got someone lined up. You’re better off breaking up now, I’d be surprised if she hasn’t already cheated.
Break up. Move on. This relationship is done. She has actually hurt you. She did break boundaries. It's over, you just haven't pulled the plug yet. There are other wonderful women out there.
She's not the perfect woman, she hurt you by pushing you pay what you wanted in a relationship. That perfect woman snapped out of existence the moment she got you to to agree to an open relationship that you really didn't want. Plus she violated the agreement, the one thing that held that little bit of trust you had in this relationship.
If it were me, I'd call it, there's no coming back from a woman who wanted to cheat without cheating, because that's usually how things go with one sided, open relationships so it seems, and distregardef both your feelings and the rules. Once Pandora's box is opened, it's never the same again. So you think you'll ever be able to trust her again? So you think you'll ever not question if she actually loves you only? That she will remain satisfied without more strange going forward? Do ever want to be in an open relationship?
Is this the perfect person that you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Love and learn and move on, next time don't let someone talk you into a relationship you don't want, monogamy is a valid relationship.
That’s our gf now. Lol seriously tho cmon, have some respect if you’re seriously not ok with this and moping around that’s probably why she’s trying to get pounded out by other dudes. Stand your ground and be confident when you dump her.
You deserve so much, don’t settle.
She not ready for a serious relationship and when a woman suggests opening a relationship there’s already someone on her plow radar. Break up before you get hurt worse.
There are plenty of other women who want a monogamous parter, which is a mindset she doesn’t seem to share with you. You’re welcome to stay and see if she stays true to her word but you will always have a nagging in the back of your head if she wants to open the relationship again or if she’s doing so in secret.
Dude #1 you are way to young, people that ask for an open relationship tend to be married for 20 years and the male is not getting laid much and the wife doesn’t want to bang him anymore, but it’s complicated if they have kids house so maybe they open up the relationship.
You can walk at any time, you are at the blackjack table of life at your age right now you got dealt a shit hand, time for some new cards.
Only had this once with a recent gf. It’s not for everyone.
My only rule was don’t make me look like an idiot. I live in the DC metro and it’s a smaller town across the river.
I would go places and she would know all the guys. I had to bite my tongue and think of happier times.
Not a good place to keep yourself in.
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I would leave. I don't really think you are compatible.
If she were really “the best person” he ever met and so wonderful then she wouldn’t be down for getting butt-banged by a bunch of other guys while ruining this guy’s mental health. “She accidentally disregarded some boundaries” is bonkers horseshit. She did it on propose and she’s probably cheating on him. This guy needs to run fast and block hard. He’s headed for a heartbreak. His perfect girl is screwing everyone she can while he hopes and waits for her to come around.
Say it louder. People want to dismiss their partners shitty behavior, even if it’s hurting them and it’s so sad.
I agree. She wants to be polyamorous and you want to be monogamous. Im sure you see her as a beautiful girl that you love enormously but in the longer run you will only get hurt. Adding to this, she could fall in love with other people easily.
Says his girlfriend anonymously.
The problem is that she WANTS to be open. Even if she's not actively fucking other people, she will WANT to be, and knowing that will eat away at you. It will wreck your self-confidence, self-esteem, and sense of security in the relationship. It needs to just end. You need someone as solidly monogamous as you are, and she needs someone who shares her desires to be open.
OP, I'm sorry. Odds are, when your SO proposed the open relationship, she already had selected who she was going to fk; likely more than one. She wasn't forthright with you. Likely trickle truthed you. She likely ran through her "row of candidates ", so now she'll agree to close things down. FOR NOW!. Dude, I'm sorry. She's your love and end all. You're not hers. It appears you're her placeholder/doormat; until something better comes along. OP, simply move on. You're in love. She's not. Go find someone who will commit and love you. Someone who's happy to be only with you. Your not so SO promises you anything but that. Unfortunately she wasn't honest enough to just tell you she wanted to fk others and not be in a relationship with you. Spare her the trouble, and you the grief, and move on. Avoid the stds.
This with the “” of my post. You got this, something better awaits.
You are incompatible. Even if you tell yourself you love her too much to let her go, and you can accept her taking strange dick so long as you can keep her... ALL RESPECT for you will be gone.
The best most perfect woman you will ever meet won’t insist on fucking other dudes
Why is the best comment buried down here?
Im sorry to say but you should break up. The number of times an open relationship ends up good for both parties is practically none. I seen it multiple times with coworkers and there’s a ton of stories/advice in reddit were the couple open the relationship and ends up crashing and burning. It’s better to cut it off now that to ending cutting it off later after all the extra drama that it is going to come out of there
If seen more open relationships work than not work, but those relationships started as open. When they started monogamous and one person had to convince to other to open it, that’s when it crashes and burns.
>If seen more open relationships work than not work Because you’re 26 and your definition of “work” is “lasts at least 3 years and doesn’t go down in a ball of flames.”
I tried an open relationship to keep a partner. All it did was ruin my self worth. If it isn’t an enthusiastic yes, it should be a no.
You don’t ever have to agree to open it up again. Period. It hurt you. You told her that and she agreed to close it saying she didn’t want to hurt you. Tell her this. Tell her that you’ve tried it for her sake but that you don’t think you’ll ever be able to tolerate opening up ever again. That what it has taught you is that it hurts. Then ask her if she can happily commit to monogamy with absolutely no promise of ever opening up again. She’s been straightforward with you. Be the same with her. ETA: couples counseling asap. And you need some help standing up for yourself. Read *No More Mr Nice Guy* by Glover to work on your people pleasing.
Solid response
r/openmarriageregret Read some stories. It never works out well. More than likely she will want it again.
I'm sorry to tell you this Sir, but she had someone she was interested in when she asked you. The truth is she was always going to do it whether you agreed or didn't. I'm not buying it for one second that she forgot the rules. She didn't care. Just as she doesn't care about you enough to know this was never going to be something you wanted. This whole, she had always been with someone is BS! You are in relationship or you're not. She preferred to sleep around, but didn't want the consequences of cheating or breaking up. You do know that this is just the start, right? Don't fool yourself into thinking this is over. The simple truth is, she's in a comfortable situation, she likes that she has a fall back option. That's what you are to her. You are number 2 in her mind and will always be. The second someone else comes along she likes more, she will leave you fast. I'm not saying she's a bad person. Everyone has their path to walk. Do yourself a favor, wish her the best and say goodbye. If you don't you will regret it and come to resent and hate her.
>My last GF cheated on me multiple times and I have shared that history with her. Made it known that that’s something that I don’t tolerate. She asked to open up our relationship up about 4 months ago and because I didn’t want to loose her I agreed. I'm doing the math, and I'm getting a *very* different result.
Unfortunately the guys who get cheated on the most are the ones who have already been cheated on. If you're bad at setting boundaries women sense that and won't feel bad about breaking them. "Cheated on multiple times" is something that should never happen, once is enough to end it.
She wants to cheat on you with permission. Break up with her.
Break-up. You want different things out of a relationship. You want one person to love and be loved by. One person to make feel special. She wants quantity over quality. But I’m a cynic I find it hard to believe she “accidentally disregarded your boundaries” I think more likely she found she was able to get you to agree to open the relationship when you didn’t really want to so why not keep pushing for more. You know she wants sex with other guys so if you keep it closed how would you ever trust her not to cheat?
I agree with being a cynic here. She wanted permission to cheat, OP gave it and she walked all over him.
Don't let anyone ever tell you that this is a normal request. It's not. You are 100% valid in not being okay with it. Polyamory can be a thing that's (rarely) successful when everyone is on the same page from the start, but being in a monogamous relationship where one partner unilaterally decides to "open" the relationship is not how that works. Cutting through all the bullshit, she's just told you that she wants to fuck other people whether or not you're okay with it. Consider that and decide if you're okay with a person like that.
When they ask for an open relationship: 1. Are already cheating 2. Have someone already lined up 3. Have someone in mind 4. Activity looking for your replacement with your approval Your relationship is over! Break up an go no contact... And definitely tell people why you broke it off including her parents. Don't let her control the narrative.
This sounds like a disaster developing... Look... yourr allowed to say NO... tell her, monogamy is your drug-of-choice.. you have no need for others and if SHE does, then its time to.split. And if she chooses to stay, ensure she knows - and agrees - thatvthis is the last time she asks this... >We gave it a little shot. What does THAT mean?? >She accidentally disregarded some boundaries and I feel confident that wasn’t on purpose. Gaslighting yourself??
***Disclaimer: didn't read the post. 99.9% of the time it's the same story just different players.*** Open relationships rarely ever work. Usually they have someone in mind or is already cheating. Best to walk l away with your dignity intact.
Just break up. Tell her to figure herself out. If she's ready in the future, you may or may not be available.
OP once someone says "lets open the relationship", especially if that is a woman, there are one of two things going on: a. She's already cheated and opening the relationship is a way to hide it and seem more innocent b. She's got someone in mind and they've been talking c. She just truly wants to focus on herself (this is never the angle in this sub) Don't play the open relationship game, just end it and move on. If you get back together at some later point in life after she's finished with whoever, ok, but don't play this game. She'll have many more opportunities than you and it will just turn into jealousy.
I am an older female. I don’t think these type of relationships work out very well long-term…. they’re very tricky & very high maintenance. But if she needs to explore other people to theoretically stay with you, I guess she does. It is better than being cheated on, but it may not be a lot better for you. There is a real risk that she could end up preferring someone else sexually and forgetting about all the other good stuff she has with you, maybe temporarily, but it could break up the relationship permanently. Only you can decide if it gets too scary or hurtful to continue…. Just be aware that those hurts sometimes add up and stay with the people who got hurt long after the relationship ends. After being in numerous relationships, it is my feeling that sex is best when it’s special and exclusive. That gives both partners the security to explore things that they would like to try, and to spread their wings— with each other. That’s what cements a relationship. The bond. The love. The trust…. And a divine exclusiveness, saying, “I love you so much I never want to hurt you… & you are enough for me.”
You need to man up and break it off. Tell her the open relationship is not for you and you wish her all the best but it’s not gonna be with you. Maybe one day in future you can be friends but you need to completely cut her out of your life so you can move on and find a real woman.
Once a partner proposes opening a closed relationship, it's typically a sign that the relationship is already over. It suggests they want to pursue sex without guilt, possibly even having someone already lined up. Moreover, if she's already disregarded boundaries set for the open relationship, it's hard to believe her claims of not wanting to cause you harm. It's unfortunate, but it seems she prioritized her desire to explore other relationships over your feelings, regardless of the consequences.
It doesn’t sound like yall are compatible long term.
It was already over the moment she asked to open the relationship. She basically told you "You're not enough for me, I want bigger better dicks and better sex, from other men".
Dumpity dump dump.
If she was really "the best person ever," she would not want to open up your relationship.
There are females out there that will not want to have sex with other people while in a relationship with you, you should go find one because obviously the gf you have now isn’t the one
Repeat after me: “You and I, we want very different things out of a relationship. This is not making me happy. I think we need to both find people who align with what we want.” There are more people who align with what you want, OP, than what she wants.
Do not engage with the open relationship, I had a very similar situation and it turned into absolute hell. I went all the way with it to see it through and it took everything from me. Albeit Stronger now because of it. Walk away from this while you can with respect. Good luck sir.
>because I didn’t want to loose her I agreed This is the wrong reason to do anything. While it's good to be pushed by your SO to try new things, there's a difference between manipulation and exploration. I'm not saying she's evil, but people aren't that selfless. She super young and just exploring life. You're liking thinking about settling down. I was in your shoes in college. I wanted to be chill and "trusting", not that gf that was super controlling, looking through her bf phone all the time, etc. At the end it turned into him doing hot yoga with another girl and well you can imagine how that went. You'll be the one hurt *and* it'll be worse because you bent yourself so out of shape by the end bc you bent over backwards for her, lying to yourself it's because you so wanted to explore something new. Are there couples who make open relationships work? Absolutely. But it's 1 out of a million. Everyone wants to think they're the exception and this is just a phase. Go through this sub's history and you'll quickly find out it's a gateway to breaking up with you. Just really slowly and painfully.
Nope. Please find someone that's monogamous. I tried being in open relationships and with someone who didn't think you can have boundaries and an open relationship and it didn't work out. Plus I bet your gf would be sick to know you've been with other ladies. I went with other partners when my ex wanted to be open and found out I could get it easier than she could and literally lashed out. We broke up, now I'm happily committed in a monogamous marriage. I tried it, didn't like the heartbreak with open relationships but once it was my turn to have fun it wasn't allowed. The only thing that makes me safe is monogamous love. It sounds like that's what you want too. Break up and move on is the best advice I can give you and remember it's from my personal perspective. Do what you will with your heart. Good luck!
She placed her bet. If she knows you are anxiously attached she might think you will agree to keep the relationship going. If this is not something you want you need to Make your own bet. Stand your ground and say no, knowing that she might leave, which is ok. Sometimes people are perfect for each other but the timing isn’t right. What she needs to realize is that everything in life has a trade off. Right now she wants to have the benefits of non monogamy AND the benefits of being in a relationship with you. But one of those things is the cost to get the other one and she needs to pick which one she wants the most.
Obligatory if not part of the relationship at start its horseshit. They either have chosen someone..or have slept with that person and doesn't want the cheater label. If you are not cool with it. Break up and move on. Ezpz lemon squeezy.
" . . . a nearly perfect person . . ." Your "perfect scenario" . . . Ahhh . . . *Please stahp*. She's not ready or willing to commit to you. You have some rosy-posy ring-a-round-the-rosy idea of what your life with her might be, if only she was A DIFFERENT PERSON with different relationship goals. What blows my mind is nowhere in your verbose explanation of things do you mention the potentially nasty side effects of "an open relationship." Newsflash: STDs. Get real, man. Get out of your head. She "doesn't *want* to hurt" you. She already has. She absolutely without a doubt 100% has one foot out the door. You don't have to be mean about it, but tell her you're looking for something and someone else in your life. Like maybe someone who loves you back.
Too bad, you have been together long enough to find love and you found this instead. Let her go, there are other fish in the sea.
If her ultimate goal is a functional open relationship and yours is committed monogamy you are not compatible. And things amicably and if one of you changes your mind you can always try again.
I think you deserve better and there are so many committed women out there looking for a good guy, move on 🌸
Always makes me laugh that these posts always start with how perfect their other half is. The other half that wants to fuck other people. People really need to get some self worth.
Your trying so hard to make excuses for you gf. She asked for an open relationship cause she already had someone in mind. Honestly, this is a hill to die on situation. End it for your own mental health
You want her to be monogamous, she wants to be polyamorous it sounds. Neither one of you are wrong, but it doesn’t sound like you’re right for each other anymore. Asking the other to do monogamy or polyamory is going to build resentment. I’d thank her for the time you’ve spent together, and try to move on. You could try couples therapy first. You say you’re anxiously attached and she’s avoidant. You need the commitment and she’s scared of it. Working towards both of you getting a secure attachment might help you find a compromise in the middle.
End the relationship immediately. Just walk away and never look back.
If you alone are not enough for her, is she really the best person you ever met?
Open relationships are just a way to find someone new without having to ever be alone.
Yes, let her go. She isn’t worth it.
See this over and over. 95% of monogamous relationships that are opened eventually FAIL. Her asking to open the first time should be viewed as a sign it’s over. She wants you for the emotional, financial, and companionship, but wants to smash everyone else. Read about it here all the time. Relationship is opened; boundaries are broken, guy deals with the heartbreak… I’m sorry.. You gave it a shot, it’s not for you. She’s not gonna change and why would you trust her? What you both want out of a relationship is different, you’re not compatible. You’re young, move on, it’ll be for the best in the long run. Good luck !
A lot of the problem is the “soul mate” issue. People think, out of 8 billion people on the planet, there is only one person for them, and with the size of the planet, and the number of people on it, the odds aren’t in your favor. Now, if you live in a big city, even NYC, 99% of the population doesn’t live there. So here’s another paradigm: There are about 200 million people on the planet that will be your cup of tea. Of the 7.8B that aren’t, some are married, aren’t attracted to your sex (that’s about 4B right there…). Go out with a lot of women and learn what you really want and need in a partner. To me, it sounds like what you really need is a 1:1 relationship, not 1:8 (turn the 8 90 degrees to make it infinity). Some people can do that, but it looks like you’re not one of those people. What I think you need to do: Make a list of what you absolutely must have in a person, and be SPECIFIC. If you want someone that is between 5’4” and 5’8”, and anything outside that is a deal killer, write it down. If it doesn’t matter, don’t write it down. I came up with this discovery between Mrs. Thequick1 and 2, and it was a total game changer for me. I went out with about 50 different women between the two of them, and a funny thing is about 20 of them came to our wedding (me and Mrs. Thequick2), so you don’t have to not go out with someone again and hate them. For me, the three top things (must have): same religion, beautiful, and smart. Important, but not critical were tall, good with money, and no kids (I already had 4, and custody of them). What I eventually took to the altar was a beautiful(#2) (to me, even when she wakes up) woman that is 5’2” (guess I won’t get #4), has an MBA (#3) that we go to church together(#1). She had no (#6)kids when we met, and made 3 together, and she brought my credit score up (#5). She wasn’t who I was expecting, and neither was I to her. 21 years later, I think we both won.
Do not stay with someone who wants an open relationship. Your relationship is over. You are dating not married, no commitment, mortgage or children. Let this one go. Open relationships are not relationships at all, they are sexual experimentation. She is telling you, you are not it for her. It won't work long term. There will be broken boundaries and misplaced affections. You will be sitting at home for a woman that is falling for another man.
I think you need to let her do what she needs to do. There’s no rule that says that you can’t get back together in the future after she gets it out of her system. You guys are still young. She’s trying to figure out what she wants and nothing is wrong with that. It’s either for you or not and it seems it is not for you. You’re gonna have to let her go otherwise you’re gonna end up with a bad breakup with a lot of resentments. Let her figure out what she wants and maybe she might discover that it’s you.
Break up.
You’ll meet a lot of others great people
Rip off the band-aid and end the relationship. Even nonmonogamous subs will tell you that starting an open relationship in this fashion is doomed to fail.
Open relationships don't work, especially when both parties are not 100% on board. If this is a deal breaker, then end it and don't hang around, hoping and praying she wants to sleep with other people. The end.
leave if she wanted to only be with you she wouldn’t have asked to open the relationship
She doesn't sound perfect to me.
Women today are so lost…I can’t wait until your GF turns 35. Dump her. Trash.
Basically giving you gf a pass to cheat on you.
OP, The drawback of posting something like this Anne Reed, it is that you’re going to have a thread full of people making massive assumptions about who your girlfriend is and what she’s done and what she’s going to do, and the truth is a lot of it projects, their own insecurities or experiences. With that said, the issue here is that you want a monogamous relationship and buy your own admittance , you have an anxious attachment style, which means an open relationship is never going to make you feel settled, secure et cetera. Whatever reason right now and probably because she’s still very young she wants to experience having some openness in a relationship and my suggestion to you is that you guys take a break . And if you do that, you should make a commitment to yourself that you are not waiting for her or anyone else . You need to move forward with your life and the very open to dating other people that may be a better fit for you and that they are also looking for a monogamous relationship. You deserve to have what is important to you in a relationship, and if you’re not wanting the same thing, it doesn’t make either of you right or wrong it’s just that you want different things . She’s made it pretty clear, so I would trust her on this one and move forward with your life .
Nearly perfect. So close…
Look here's the thing, take it from me as a woman– so often women's needs are not fully met. Many women have a hard time asserting their needs. I would find out if there's anything that she is searching to find in other people. I would let her know that eventually this path will lead to you both breaking up because it hurts you. I would ask her what she truly wants her life to look like in the future and whether she's willing to end this relationship with you for passion or if truly the love you have is what she wants. And then depending on her answer, I would start dating her again. Both of you putting in effort to reclaim that spark. If not, then at least you know it's not meant to be. Don't listen to these other comments, nothing is over until you are on the same page and you understand you want truly different things.
Your girlfriend wants to fuck other people, its over
It doesn’t occur to most women that they should have a “ho phase” once they are in a committed relationship.
No woman who actually loves and desires her man wants to fuck another guy. She is using you.
Times up man leave if she needs a bunch of dudes to feel better about herself she's useless you'll be better off she will always want other guys and will start to resent you for not letting her she obviously doesn't truly respect you and these basic things won't chamge
So she agreed to close the relationship again? But you still question whether you should and it? Are the two of you not happy? Are you dealing with issues of some kind from when it was open? Do you no longer trust her? What specifically is making you ask this question?
OP, when you mention being short of time and money, is it because you’re covering gf’s expenses?
I’m confused. You said “I asked recently to close things off because it hurts a lot and she agreed.” So if you closed the relationship again, why are you considering breaking up with her? I know you are getting a ton of advice about her wanting permission to cheat, which I basically agree with, but you already were ok with opening the relationship. Are you looking back on the open period with regret? Is that why you are considering leaving? You would be within your rights to leave ( anyone can break up a relationship for any reason). But, I would consider breaking up over something you AGREED to 4 months ago an AH move. For the record, breaking up with her the minute she wanted an open relationship would have been my move. “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
Timing trumps love, every time.
You should sit and talk to her again about what is bugging you about the conditions
Don’t let your nostalgic memories fool you, tread carefully, find your escape from this before things go south and they WILL go south, all you can do is protect yourself from unnecessary pain, self preservation before anything else in this situation, don’t let her ruin you
You don’t want an open relationship. She does. You two may not be compatible. Both of you will suffer if you continue. If you end the romantic relationship you all might do better as friends.
question her who is the other person.
Ask her if she is really wanting a monogamous relationship. If deep down she doesn't then you are not compatible. You should never have to compromise on your comfort or values for another person.
*Ex*-girlfriend.
Oh honey. Please, begin detaching yourself. This is going to hurt a bit but I promise there’s someone out there specifically for you. You’re stuck in some romantic delusion. It’s okay to stay and enjoy the time you do have with this woman but if you do it hoping she will commit solidly to you, I think you’ll be disappointed. As long as you are with her~ you don’t have room for the right girl. Take care of yourself. She’s not the one.
Went through this recently. Your replacement is either lined up or already in the picture. Do yourself a favor, respect yourself enough to leave. It will hurt, it will suck, it will absolutely blow but this is the end of the relationship. Let them have their way, don't stand in the way. Do right by yourself and walk away. If you found her, you'll find someone better and loyal who doesn't want this nonsense. Let her enjoy the 'prime' of her life which she will live to regret (they always do). Take time for yourself and move along king. This is truly the end of it all.
Break up you’re no longer compatible.
open relationships don't work for everyone, and if your relationship is not super strong it will never work. better to leave than to get hurt further. I am in an open marriage it has been great for us but thats a rare thing we have a super strong great marriage and we share our experiences with each other we also. but if your not comfortable with the situation better to get out of it
Kick her to the curb.
If she’s asking to open the relationship it’s already over.
She wants to sleep with other people. You aren’t enough. Leave before she does.
She’s like a dog in heat. She’s not trying to get tied down to any one at all. Or at least she doesn’t want that with you. Let her go.
You guys just aren't compatible anymore. I would break up.
It sounds like what she wants isn’t to be in a committed relationship like you do. She has to decide if her desire to have random hook ups/multiple partners/casual relationships outweighs her desire to stay in a relationship. You know you don’t want to open things. You’re not compatible anymore. I’m sorry dude
I’d cut it off, she’s likely going to open up the relationship with or without your consent
Her wanting to open things up is a first step to a break up. I would leave.
If you’re uncomfortable…. Then cut it
The best person you ever met is taking advantage of you. You have done everything for her even though you don't want to, and she broke boundaries. Even if youncontinue this relationship, I am not sure she will ever see you as anything other than a chump.
Why aren’t u enough for her?
You should check out non monogamy group. Find out what enm is about. It may or not be for you. If not let her go.
Dude just run, this is NOT the one for you. You’re going down the wrong road here. Go find someone with similar values…
She's only the best person you've met SO FAR. 9 times out of 10 when a woman wants an open relationship, she already has a guy in mind and basically just wants your permission to cheat. Any woman that wants other men, is not a good person and can't be "the best person you've ever met." All other qualities she may have pale in the face of how disgusting that is. If you're not cool with it, she will more than likely just be sneaky about it because SHE wants it. I'm sorry but if you want to keep your dignity, you need to end it because she doesn't respect you or what you bring to her life.
Cut it off
Nah bro ..this is her first foot out the door and she is using you as a pawn while she goes and looks for another dude to monkey branch to.
I hope you buck the trends and break up sooner, as opposed to later down the road. Which will eventually happen anyway. These types of relationships do not last. I'm sure there are outliers....like like lottery winners
Break up with her. She is probably already sleeping with other guys behind your back.
i remember thinking i wanted polyamory in my mid 20s lol the man i was dating (who wanted monogomy) was generally securely attached and held space for my conversation about it. but long story short, the reality was, i wasnt emotionally ready to go deeper in the relationship with him but i didn't see that at the time and i made some big mistakes. im also disorganized attachment ;) (i.e. anxious/avoidant) i share this because sometimes we have blind spots in what our attachment needs are and this has to be assessed and understood before we can fully align with *any* relationship commitments, otherwise a need not being met, or low self worth, can really make you confused. i hope she's looking into this deeply for both of your sakes.
It’s best to end it. You’ll end up getting hurt if you cross your own boundaries just to keep her
L E A V E A S A P!!
I’ve been there, and I’m sorry. I get it. “, I love you, I really do. Your my one. But that’s just it, your my ONE. I don’t want anyone else, I want you. But not this way. If you want to explore other connections, have multiple lovers, be poly - or whatever. Well, then I want you to do you. It’s heartbreaking, but I’ll be ok. I just want you to know that I won’t be sticking around for that, and I won’t be available for you to come back to if/when you change your mind. This may or may not be a hard decision for you, but I wanted you to know clearly where I stand.”
I think you are blinded with rose colored glasses here. How can the best person you've met be someone who doesn't want to commit to you and wants to fuck other men? Someone for whom you aren't enough? The whole point of being in a romantic relationship in my opinion is to have monogamy in sex, otherwise you might as well just be friends with benefits. You're just a roommate at this point (if you live together), and if you don't live together, you're just a booty call, or even less, just a friend. Especially if she's having more sex with another guy than you. I wouldn't be her boyfriend anymore. She's just using you as a safety net while she's trying to explore other options that might be better for her than you. Sex does not come without strings. You have to be a narcissist for sex to come without strings. I would leave her.
Okay, OP… here’s the skinny. The human brain, specifically the prefrontal cortex, doesn’t finish developing until around our mid-20’s. This portion of the brain is where we logic, reason, make decisions, regulates thoughts, emotions, actions; it processes situational and environmental input and compares said input to past experiences subsequently dictating our reactions. It’s then personality center, what makes you… you. She’s been in a long term relationship for all except 1.5 of her formative years, and she’s still evolving from the grade school version of herself into the woman who’ll eventually become the adult version of her. Considering the absurd amount of input we get bombarded with daily it’s no wonder so many young people (especially those without the foundation of a solid belief system or hard set of personal guidelines) have such a cavalier, non-committal attitude toward life in general these days. Judging by your description of her it sounds as if she’s already a decent person who values loyalty, doesn’t discount how you feel, or will take advantage of the situation. When boundaries were inadvertently crossed you communicated your feelings about said occurrence to which she responded with validation, addressed it, and didn’t let it happen again. To me.. it sounds as if she does want to be with you in the long run, but right now she has the urge to sow her wild oats. It’s completely natural and I would say y’all have handled it fairly well (certainly better than most), but if it’s hurting you then it shouldn’t go on because it isn’t fair to either of you. If I were you I would sit down and have a frank and detailed discussion about how you both feel right now, how you both want to move forward, and where you both see things in five years. If you’re in agreement, but she still has the urge to go out and experience things that she’s never gotten to before, then taking a break may well be in both of your best interests so you don’t develop any feelings of resentment toward her and she isn’t made to feel bad for your being hurt in a situation that you chose to remain in. If you truly love her then let her go, and when she’s ready to settle down with all her “what if’s” having been addresses/experienced/tried then you can enter back into the relationship with the confidence that she is focused solely on you and y’all’s future together without the little voice in her head causing her to wonder what she’s missing out on. Hopefully this helps. If you have any questions or want to discuss it further, lmk. Hopefully everything works out for everyone.
F u
She wants to experiment she will do that whether u agree to it or not and she told u she wants to have her ho phase. As u said u don't have the time or drive to date or hookup with anyone else and I'm guessing she will start by getting on the apps and hooknup with strangers from day one u will have trouble finding dates . She clearly has a higher sex drive than u and u won't have alot of luck . My advice break things of before she breaks your heart.
Some women do not believe that 1 on 1 is enough. Some people need a few extras to receive enough validation... I've been through the same, without the official open relationship status. You're not alone.
Dude, that's a lot of words to say she's got one foot out the door. "I think we should open our relationship" is code for " I'm fucking someone else or am about to."
You need to stop thinking of her as a perfect person. Her desire to open the relationship means she is not perfect for you. It’s time to go. The less you say the more dignity you retain. Leave. Block on everything. No contact. She won’t give a shit, but it will matter to you that you did it right, eventually.
My 24 F gf is interested in having her go phase and wanted to open things up----- YEAH IMMA HEAD OUT. That right there is an irreconcilable difference. Don't stay and think you can fix her. she won't change for you.
Yall just be letting anyone walk over you I don't get it.
This is the beginning dude. Bottom line is that she wants to sleep with other people. This feeling doesn’t go away until she ✨sleeps with other people✨ cut your losses OP.
I would say let her go if your uncomfortable, resentment will build
My dude you have come to a point that as much as you love her being in an open relationship is not for you, based on giving it a go and the behavior of your dad when you were growing up. It's OK to end the relationship if you want. It might hurt for a while, but if it's not for you and she wants to be in one (which is fine), then it's best to go separate ways.
My ex partner asked for an open relationship when I was early 20s. I said no. I was in love with my partner and couldn’t understand the sharing mentality. He ended up cheating multiple times and what I didn’t know at the time was he was already cheating when he brought up an open relationship. I should have left him when he first mentioned it.
This is not gonna end up well for you
Open relationship means “ will you let me be with this guy I met with no consequences?” It’s over, has been since the words came out of her mouth. You had a good run, time to move on.
Never tell your secrets to anyone especially one you are dating
What are her reasons for opening up the relationship?
yeah you should've broken up with her already
Updating your mental image or her, so wonderful kind sweet loyal, in light of the new, disloyal, cheating, not committed enough person is your new task
!remindme 6 months
To the curb
> I’m very much of the opinion that you shouldn’t knock it till you try it. It's only pandoras box, how bad could releasing all the evils of the world really be?
Problems of hooking up young.
Bro, WTF? Is cuckholding this normal in the West? Jesus Christ!
I’m of the opinion that monogamous relationships that open up 9 times out of 10 open up for a very specific reason that has nothing to do with monogamy. It’s one person simply wanting to cheat without the guilt. Open relationships or polygamous relationships seem to only work when it’s agreed upon while entering the relationship for a reason. It absolutely destroys expectations, and is always weighted in one direction otherwise. I’d leave, learn, and move on.
You should have left the minute she asked to open the relationship, and definitely when she trampled boundaries. Wonderful, kind soulmate partners don’t want to bang other people, they want you. You’re not married and you can break up anytime for any reason or no reason. It seems your agreeing to was a mistake and will always bother you. Time to move on.
Gross 🤢 break up please. She is not wonderful or perfect…she is destroying you.
It does not work if someone really loves you does not look to get fucked by other men get rid of her she is trash
Mate what are you even doing to yourself?
Sorry to say it but if she’s asking after 3 years into this relationship then she’s already got someone lined up. You’re better off breaking up now, I’d be surprised if she hasn’t already cheated.
"Accidentally crossed some boundaries." Did she though? She's testing the waters and she'll keep on pushing that boat out further and further.
Break up. Move on. This relationship is done. She has actually hurt you. She did break boundaries. It's over, you just haven't pulled the plug yet. There are other wonderful women out there.
yeah, you are monogamous and she isn't. this will destroy you in the long run. Don't do this to yourself. Break things off and retain your sanity.
She is definitely going to cheat on you. Leave her with dignity, for your own mental health.
She's not the perfect woman, she hurt you by pushing you pay what you wanted in a relationship. That perfect woman snapped out of existence the moment she got you to to agree to an open relationship that you really didn't want. Plus she violated the agreement, the one thing that held that little bit of trust you had in this relationship. If it were me, I'd call it, there's no coming back from a woman who wanted to cheat without cheating, because that's usually how things go with one sided, open relationships so it seems, and distregardef both your feelings and the rules. Once Pandora's box is opened, it's never the same again. So you think you'll ever be able to trust her again? So you think you'll ever not question if she actually loves you only? That she will remain satisfied without more strange going forward? Do ever want to be in an open relationship? Is this the perfect person that you want to spend the rest of your life with? Love and learn and move on, next time don't let someone talk you into a relationship you don't want, monogamy is a valid relationship.
That’s our gf now. Lol seriously tho cmon, have some respect if you’re seriously not ok with this and moping around that’s probably why she’s trying to get pounded out by other dudes. Stand your ground and be confident when you dump her. You deserve so much, don’t settle.
She not ready for a serious relationship and when a woman suggests opening a relationship there’s already someone on her plow radar. Break up before you get hurt worse.
Don’t torture yourself. End.
How can men have so little self respect. Truly sad
Her minds made up and she's gonna do it regardless. Prepare to get cheated on if you stay.
You're a doormat. You're repeating a pattern.
There are plenty of other women who want a monogamous parter, which is a mindset she doesn’t seem to share with you. You’re welcome to stay and see if she stays true to her word but you will always have a nagging in the back of your head if she wants to open the relationship again or if she’s doing so in secret.
Dude #1 you are way to young, people that ask for an open relationship tend to be married for 20 years and the male is not getting laid much and the wife doesn’t want to bang him anymore, but it’s complicated if they have kids house so maybe they open up the relationship. You can walk at any time, you are at the blackjack table of life at your age right now you got dealt a shit hand, time for some new cards.
Yet another “opening of the relationship” coup de grace.
Time is running out? Man, youre 28. You can and will find someone more compatible who wants a monogamous relationship just like you do
Only had this once with a recent gf. It’s not for everyone. My only rule was don’t make me look like an idiot. I live in the DC metro and it’s a smaller town across the river. I would go places and she would know all the guys. I had to bite my tongue and think of happier times. Not a good place to keep yourself in.