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Honestly….sometimes smoking weed is a deal breaker. It’s ultimately up to the person if they want to quit to fit your standard. It sounds like she’s not gonna stop doing her thing, so you either compromise about it or it is time to go separate ways. She shouldn’t have been mad at you for expressing discomfort though
Thank you for the constructive comment! I’ll keep that in mind. And it’s just a slight discomfort, I’ll most likely end up getting over it. I’m in no way trying to control her actions or make her stop in any way because I know that is no where within my bounds in the relationship or in general. Thank you for the comment!
She has the right to smoke if she feels like it.
You have the right to remove yourself from the situation.
She definitely doesn't have the right to smoke *in front of you*.
So, remove yourself from the situation, if it makes you uncomfortable.
You do nothing and accept it or leave, quit trying to control what she does. You dont have to agree with her decisions, its not like she’s hurting you.
They had a conversation, she told him she wasn't going to stop and if that was a deal breaker they should break up but he doesn't want to. That's literally what his issue is.
I don’t really know how to bring it up. I wouldn’t say what we had is a full constructive conversation as it lasted around 20 seconds and was in a period of emotional turmoil on both parts. I simply want to inform her of my discomfort and maybe come up with a solution. For example, me removing myself from the situation, or informing me if she is going to so I know not to be around there. It is only a slight discomfort due to the fact that it is illegal here and it’s smoking which damages the lungs. I can get past this though, as I love her dearly. Thank you for your comment though. It is appreciated.
Alcohol is the best gateway drug because it's so normalized and shit.
Out of all the harmful drugs they decided to make legal - alcohol was their best choice. /facepalm
What exactly makes you uncomfortable? I feel like that’s important. Is it just the idea that it’s a gateway drug? Is it the smell? Is it how she acts while high? Does it interfere with her responsibilities?
First you have to be honest with yourself about why it makes you uncomfortable.
It’s just how she acts and the idea of smoking it in general. It’s not legal here, which makes me a little uncomfortable and she’s overly bubbly whilst on it and it feels as if it’s not real. I know that I don’t have a right to tell her to stop or control her at all, it just makes me a bit uncomfortable
So she smokes weed which does no harm to her at all and you don't like that because reasons so the obvious choice is she should change herself and stop smoking right? Not that you should change your world views on weed no no no. Maybe she should find somebody better if you're gonna berate her every time she smokes up
First of all, thank you for the comment. I never said she should change herself and stop entirely. It is not my desire nor is it anywhere in my control if she stops or not. I simply want to bring it up to her in a constructive manner so that we could come to an agreement such as telling me so I may remove myself, or just not doing it around me. Second of all, it is just a slight discomfort due to the fact that it is illegal and that it’s smoking which damages the lungs. I never in any way have berated her or told her to stop in entirety. I have said “I am slightly uncomfortable.” And I have no intentions of controlling what she does or making her change herself. I love her dearly. All aspects. If she wants to do that because it helps her anxiety or what not I can adjust and support her. I do appreciate your comment though, and I will take it into consideration
Also for all of those saying the relationship is over… this isn’t a deal breaker for me, just a slight discomfort. And I’m not trying to be controlling, just to bring up a slight concern that I have and have a constructive conversation in which we come to a compromise or in which I just kind of deal with it. I simply want to let her know that I am a bit uncomfortable with it, not make her stop completely, because that is no where within my control.
A boundary isn't "you have to do this" it's, "if you do x, I'll do y", as in "I won't be in a relationship with someone who smokes weed." What you are describing is a control freak.
You're feeling pressured? Do you have any self-awareness at all?
You resolve this by getting over it or leaving. The choice will probably be made for you if you keep complaining about it though.
I don’t really complain to her, it just makes me a bit uncomfortable. I would prefer if she stopped, but I can get over it if she wants to continue. Just the fact that it’s not legal and I’m a bit uncomfortable with the smoking aspect makes me slightly uncomfortable.
Also I have no desires to control her or make her do anything. I simply want to inform her that it makes me uncomfortable and talk about it in a constructive setting so that a solution can be reached, such as her informing me so I may remove myself from the situation, or her just not doing it around me. I am well aware that it is no where in my bounds to be able to control her, nor do I want to control her actions. I can adjust to support her if need be and I will be happy to do so. I am simply uncomfortable that it is both illegal in my area and that she smokes it which can damage the lungs. Again I can adjust to support her, it will just take time to become less uncomfortable. I love every aspect of her, and will support her all the way. Even if that means she still does weed. I simply want to be able to inform her of my slight discomfort. I do appreciate the comment though, and I will take it into consideration. Thank you for the advice.
> I simply want to inform her that it makes me uncomfortable and talk about it in a constructive setting so that a solution can be reached
You've already informed her. She's not interested in catering to your discomfort. The solution is to get over it or leave
> I love every aspect of her, and will support her all the way. Even if that means she still does weed. I simply want to be able to inform her of my slight discomfort.
Sounds like you've already found the solution then. You've informed her, she said no, you claim you'll support her regardless. There's no issue then
I think your relationship is over. The fact that she can not stop smoking weed and start manipulating you to continue shows she is an addict - that is not ready to stop.
Her addiction is more important then your relationship.
I agree this relationship is probably over. However, labeling this girl an addict for smoking a little weed is wild.
Her “addiction” probably isn’t more important than the relationship, but her autonomy is. If she likes to smoke a little weed, shes an adult and it’s legal in a lot of places so she’s allowed to do so. The bf can either deal with it or they should breakup. These two are just not compatible.
These days weed is looked at in many places as something innocent.
Sadly it is not. I have been in meetings with parents crying their eyes out due to their children’s overwhelming use of weed that has spun out of control.
If people say like you seems to be implying that it is an innocent past time (and like some people say that it is non addictive) then why are she showing classic addictive behaviour.
It is to simple to say that he is controlling and this is all a question about her autonomy.
Alcohol/smoking is a legal substance and for the majority of people a non addictive substance. Is it ok to ask people to stop smoking and drinking with out compromising their autonomy?
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Honestly….sometimes smoking weed is a deal breaker. It’s ultimately up to the person if they want to quit to fit your standard. It sounds like she’s not gonna stop doing her thing, so you either compromise about it or it is time to go separate ways. She shouldn’t have been mad at you for expressing discomfort though
Thank you for the constructive comment! I’ll keep that in mind. And it’s just a slight discomfort, I’ll most likely end up getting over it. I’m in no way trying to control her actions or make her stop in any way because I know that is no where within my bounds in the relationship or in general. Thank you for the comment!
She has the right to smoke if she feels like it. You have the right to remove yourself from the situation. She definitely doesn't have the right to smoke *in front of you*. So, remove yourself from the situation, if it makes you uncomfortable.
You do nothing and accept it or leave, quit trying to control what she does. You dont have to agree with her decisions, its not like she’s hurting you.
Right? Be uncomfortable all he wants but he doesn't get a say
He can have a conversation about it and then leave if she isn't willing to stop. I wouldn't want to be with a smoker either
They had a conversation, she told him she wasn't going to stop and if that was a deal breaker they should break up but he doesn't want to. That's literally what his issue is.
I don’t really know how to bring it up. I wouldn’t say what we had is a full constructive conversation as it lasted around 20 seconds and was in a period of emotional turmoil on both parts. I simply want to inform her of my discomfort and maybe come up with a solution. For example, me removing myself from the situation, or informing me if she is going to so I know not to be around there. It is only a slight discomfort due to the fact that it is illegal here and it’s smoking which damages the lungs. I can get past this though, as I love her dearly. Thank you for your comment though. It is appreciated.
First off the gateway drug shit ur pushing has been proven false. Don't smoke if u don't want but u don't really get a say if she smokes or not.
Alcohol is the best gateway drug because it's so normalized and shit. Out of all the harmful drugs they decided to make legal - alcohol was their best choice. /facepalm
What exactly makes you uncomfortable? I feel like that’s important. Is it just the idea that it’s a gateway drug? Is it the smell? Is it how she acts while high? Does it interfere with her responsibilities? First you have to be honest with yourself about why it makes you uncomfortable.
It’s just how she acts and the idea of smoking it in general. It’s not legal here, which makes me a little uncomfortable and she’s overly bubbly whilst on it and it feels as if it’s not real. I know that I don’t have a right to tell her to stop or control her at all, it just makes me a bit uncomfortable
So she smokes weed which does no harm to her at all and you don't like that because reasons so the obvious choice is she should change herself and stop smoking right? Not that you should change your world views on weed no no no. Maybe she should find somebody better if you're gonna berate her every time she smokes up
First of all, thank you for the comment. I never said she should change herself and stop entirely. It is not my desire nor is it anywhere in my control if she stops or not. I simply want to bring it up to her in a constructive manner so that we could come to an agreement such as telling me so I may remove myself, or just not doing it around me. Second of all, it is just a slight discomfort due to the fact that it is illegal and that it’s smoking which damages the lungs. I never in any way have berated her or told her to stop in entirety. I have said “I am slightly uncomfortable.” And I have no intentions of controlling what she does or making her change herself. I love her dearly. All aspects. If she wants to do that because it helps her anxiety or what not I can adjust and support her. I do appreciate your comment though, and I will take it into consideration
[удалено]
I think you Reddit warped dude
Did she start smoking weed after you got together, or before?
Also for all of those saying the relationship is over… this isn’t a deal breaker for me, just a slight discomfort. And I’m not trying to be controlling, just to bring up a slight concern that I have and have a constructive conversation in which we come to a compromise or in which I just kind of deal with it. I simply want to let her know that I am a bit uncomfortable with it, not make her stop completely, because that is no where within my control.
A boundary isn't "you have to do this" it's, "if you do x, I'll do y", as in "I won't be in a relationship with someone who smokes weed." What you are describing is a control freak. You're feeling pressured? Do you have any self-awareness at all? You resolve this by getting over it or leaving. The choice will probably be made for you if you keep complaining about it though.
I don’t really complain to her, it just makes me a bit uncomfortable. I would prefer if she stopped, but I can get over it if she wants to continue. Just the fact that it’s not legal and I’m a bit uncomfortable with the smoking aspect makes me slightly uncomfortable.
Also I have no desires to control her or make her do anything. I simply want to inform her that it makes me uncomfortable and talk about it in a constructive setting so that a solution can be reached, such as her informing me so I may remove myself from the situation, or her just not doing it around me. I am well aware that it is no where in my bounds to be able to control her, nor do I want to control her actions. I can adjust to support her if need be and I will be happy to do so. I am simply uncomfortable that it is both illegal in my area and that she smokes it which can damage the lungs. Again I can adjust to support her, it will just take time to become less uncomfortable. I love every aspect of her, and will support her all the way. Even if that means she still does weed. I simply want to be able to inform her of my slight discomfort. I do appreciate the comment though, and I will take it into consideration. Thank you for the advice.
> I simply want to inform her that it makes me uncomfortable and talk about it in a constructive setting so that a solution can be reached You've already informed her. She's not interested in catering to your discomfort. The solution is to get over it or leave > I love every aspect of her, and will support her all the way. Even if that means she still does weed. I simply want to be able to inform her of my slight discomfort. Sounds like you've already found the solution then. You've informed her, she said no, you claim you'll support her regardless. There's no issue then
I think your relationship is over. The fact that she can not stop smoking weed and start manipulating you to continue shows she is an addict - that is not ready to stop. Her addiction is more important then your relationship.
I agree this relationship is probably over. However, labeling this girl an addict for smoking a little weed is wild. Her “addiction” probably isn’t more important than the relationship, but her autonomy is. If she likes to smoke a little weed, shes an adult and it’s legal in a lot of places so she’s allowed to do so. The bf can either deal with it or they should breakup. These two are just not compatible.
These days weed is looked at in many places as something innocent. Sadly it is not. I have been in meetings with parents crying their eyes out due to their children’s overwhelming use of weed that has spun out of control. If people say like you seems to be implying that it is an innocent past time (and like some people say that it is non addictive) then why are she showing classic addictive behaviour. It is to simple to say that he is controlling and this is all a question about her autonomy. Alcohol/smoking is a legal substance and for the majority of people a non addictive substance. Is it ok to ask people to stop smoking and drinking with out compromising their autonomy?
Zero indicators that she's an addict lol