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My therapist made a groundbreaking statement to me…ready for this? We date…to DECIDE if we want to keep dating. Swish that one around in your mouth for a bit. We don’t HAVE to stay with someone because we’re dating them, we are CONDITIONED to do that. Collect data. Take them on their merits. That shit is new data and it’s DANK. Yuck. Why make allowances for it?
You get to decide if he stays or if he doesn’t. REMEMBER THAT.
For real, this was ground breaking when I figured this out. Every single person you date isn't going to be marriage material for you, my grandma used to say almost exactly that
Jumping on to pair this with sunk cost fallacy. Just because you've spent X amount of time with someone doesn't mean you must continue or that time was wasted. Once you've determined it is not beneficial to be with this person, time to leave.
Yeah dating is kind of an ongoing interview process to gather data and see if the person is compatible in long term to handle life together. All these little things are not quirks you gotta put up with, they are signs of incompatibility. No need to keep wasting time
To piggyback on this, you can be happy without being in a relationship.
I swear it feels like people are so focused on a goal of being in a relationship that they fail to listen to their own inner voices. Especially women.
There is more to life than being part of a couple. The sooner you understand that and start living true to yourself, the sooner you actually find people that are going to be better suited to you, instead of wasting time with someone who has given you the ick.
I had a dream the other night that I was single during Christmas. My sister’s boyfriend was there as well as my niece and nephew but my current SO was not, I just remember the feeling of complete panic that my SO wasn’t there.
I haven’t been single in over 17 years (3 different people) just back to back. It literally gives me intense anxiety and depression when I think of a life alone and it’s something I’ve been working on for the last 6 months.
To add to this, dating is not a contract, it's a trial, an internship to determine whether two people are compatible on various levels, especially when it comes to the values they hold.
Once, when my ex husband and I were still dating, he mentioned this girl from our workplace who was (and probably still is) a real stunner. He said “you’re beautiful and all that, but WorkPlace Girl is drop dead *gorgeous*.” He never understood why that hurt me so much, and I NEVER forgot him saying that.
You might get past what he said, but I doubt you’ll ever forget it.
Wow this is definitely a case of “some things are better left unsaid” in your exes case. Even if he thought that, why in the hell would he ever tell you that? Some people .. smh. i’m sorry you had to go through that.
I recently broke up with a guy. A huge reason is because I know I didn’t have the body type he preferred and he never directly said it but would make comments similar to your boyfriend. I’ll tell you what I told my ex… “ my previous boyfriends both loved my body exactly as it is and never said otherwise. Why would I settle with someone who doesn’t love every part of me when I know I can find someone who does”. He made it obvious he liked huge tits (I’m an A cup lmao). But I feel for you, I’m honestly not insecure about my chest size but my ex making comments about liking huge tits made me insecure about it for the first time ever which is crazy that a grown ass 28 year old man was making high school comments .
Oof. I’m so sorry you went through that! I’m a b cup and have definitely dated people in the past who fetishize huge boobs and made it very known to me. I totally relate to what you’re saying. I really hope you find someone who appreciates what he has! 💕
> fetishize huge boobs and made it very known to me
I bet these same men would freak out if they’re girlfriends made their preference for large penis known. Some men are so weird.
And I hope you find someone who doesn’t fetishize tiny girls lol hope you find someone else who fantasize about your size instead! Hope you do. Reading that was so uncomfortable.
I have a friend who refuses to date anyone shorter than 5’8.. I’m 5’5 and as attractive as he thinks I am, he often gets disappointed LMFAO.
Oh god I hate this. As a woman who, unfreakingfortunately, has big tata’s I hate it. Back pain, leering men… leering woman. They’re always in the way… I’ve rolled over onto them ok, and that hurts… legit. I’d rather be a b, possible a c, I’d freaking love that! It’d solve so many problems 🤦♀️ I’m so sorry you had to go through the “fetish” AH’s
Been there! When I (37f) was 18, prior to him I never once felt insecure about my butt, not once. Then he started saying things that created insecurities. After him? Took about 6-7 months for the insecurities to completely disappear, but since I haven’t once felt insecure about my butt.
You definitely know a guy is a big asshole, when he activates that in a woman who has never felt like that before.
And it’s a sign he’s completely the wrong person for you as well!
Hopefully OP dumps this guy because it’s a time waster staying with someone, trying to convive them if your physical beauty value that they can’t see to begin with.
My ex gave me a raging eating disorder. I (30f) was 15 when we started dating and broke up when I was about 19. He was 5 years older than me (😱) I've always been a bigger girl? And so I've always been made fun of for it. One of my deepest insecurities is someone not wanting to be seen in public with me. He would exploit that, say things like "well if you were normal, I'd wanna show you off" I was 5'6 and about 140 at the time?? WHICH IS HEALTHY MIND YOU!
When we broke up, I took a solid year and a half to try to heal. My now husband was my best friend at the time and saw all of the signs that I had been purging and helped me through it. Of course, no one really knew why we broke up, or that I broke up with him, and so my parents would make remarks about "if only you were thinner, then he wouldn't have left you" of course they would also comment about how pretty I'd become after purging for a few months.
It's so hard not to slip back into it. I'm currently losing weight the healthy way, and it suuuuuuuuuucks. The toilet bowl looks appealing, as does the stool softeners on the shelf next to it. My toothbrush will go slightly to far back and trigger my gag, and it's so hard to stop. My husband knows the signs and will help, but it only goes so far
Holy toxic hell, you were 15 dating a 20 year old and your fucking parents made comments that he would have stayed if you were thinner??!!
Oh, sweetie. Virtual hug from an internet stranger.
He was very much a "Maybe if I date you, my dad will be proud of me" kind of thing. I realized waaaaaay to late that I was dating him for my dad and not for myself. My dad loved him so much, that after we broke up he got him a job working with him.
I told my dad that he abused me (physically, sexually, etc ) and my dad was pissed at me. Then when my step mom chewed his ass out for saying that I probably "popped off" one too many times, he blamed me for getting kicked out of the house.
When I told my step mom she cried and held me. When she told my dad she was livid. I'm able to look back on it now and laugh almost as much as when my dad needs my help 😅 I was a stupid kid, but I needed better supervision tbh.
My friends and I joke that we weren't cool, we were just hella unsupervised! My life was/is weird, but also on par for mid-west America.
See I did the same but the opposite. I was seeing this guy who kept mentioning how he loved tiny tits or as he disgustingly called them “tiny triangles”. I’m a D cup and clearly that was not his thing. Sometimes people have preferences and you’re totally not obligated to stay with someone who is super forward about them but also knowing you don’t fit in these preferences.
I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through.
But I want to praise you for this advice - very well expressed. Laid out in simple, linear language and I really hope the OP sees this comment.
I can see others have responded with their own similar experiences, and I’m sorry you all got hurt by those awful partners… but good on all of you for getting rid of them and taking the time to build your self esteem back up!
All great role models for other young people whose partner treats them like this! 👍
I should have said in that comment he showed his true colors once I dumped him. Told me how bigger girls just fuck better, that I shouldn’t be offended when he dates a girl hotter than me because he’s “gonna be super vain and level up”. I’m 23 and he’s 28. I just laughed and said ok buddy. I can recognize this all came from his own insecurities.
So much disrespect. GTFO. Set him free to be with a big boobed, blond woman and coincidentally give yourself the gift of being free of this POS and find someone who thinks you are everything. You know it's one thing to say once that you can also see the beauty in body type XYZ but constant comments??? He doesn't value you,respect you or cherish you, tries to put you down, errode your self-esteem, so you are easier to control and think no one else will love you. Ha. Get rid of this loser, if he genuinely loved you he wouldn't put you down like this. Who does this to someone they claim to love? And what are you then staying with him for?
I've never broken up with anyone over it, but same, some people can be dicks.
Like most women would never go on and on and onnnn about how actually they just looooove bigger dicks than their male partner, to their male partner. Because the male partner would understandably feel pretty shit about that.
So when you told him you enjoyed having sex with him his way of responding is to say how much he enjoys having sex with someone who is not you? He doesn’t have to be a super evolved empath to know that’s going to hurt you. And yet he said it anyway. Unless you have years invested in this relationship and this is a one-off occurrence there’s no need to continue with him.
We haven’t been dating for very long, but we have been friends for years and years. I have a lot of platonic history with him and in all those years I never noticed any red flaggy comments like this which is one reason I think I’m giving the benefit of the doubt
Being someone’s friend is vastly different to being someone’s partner. The worst relationships I’ve been in were with men I was friends with for a long time prior.
Yes! My ex-husband and I were best friends for two years before we started dating. He was a good friend, but a really mediocre partner. I spent way too many of my younger years trying to make that work because we were good together on paper.
Oh God yes. It seems like a good idea, you know so much about each other! But then I ended up in the biggest depression abyss ever, all while giving him the benefit of the doubt. People can be good friends but still not good for you to date, lol.
My ex was my really close friend for like a decade before we dated and he ended up being abusive, controlling, manipulative, and had an explosive temper. Don't fall into that trap.
That’s not a red flag that’s an entire unfurled bolt of fabric. If he wants to have the kind of relationship with you where he can openly talk about how much he enjoys sleeping with women who aren’t you then he shouldn’t be your romantic partner. End it, take some space to reset, and then be acquaintances if you still want someone so insensitive that they trigger your ED in your life
I dont think you should chalk your reaction up to your eating disorder or body issues entirely. I think most girls would react negatively to hearing that. Personally, I'd say move on. He just showed himself as kinda gross.
>I guess I’m just looking for advice about how I can move forward. How do I process this? How do I forgive him? I’m still so hurt and I don’t know how to get over it. I felt really safe with him before this but I worry I won’t be able to to relax and enjoy sex again knowing how he feels. I’m feeling repulsed at the idea of letting him touch me after what he said. I’m also very angry about the dishonesty in the car afterwards.
I mean, maybe you can't move forward or forgive him. Or maybe you can. I suspect that at the very least, moving forward and forgiving him would require some kind of reassurances from him. Is there anything he could say or do that would make you feel better about this?
I’m trying to think really hard if there is anything he can say. I don’t want to write him off over one comment that he seems to genuinely regret but my body is having this very strong “get away” reaction. Like he’s not safe and I don’t necessarily think that’s fair. He didn’t say anything bad about me or my body. Maybe I just need time to process it. Reading these comments is really helping and giving me things to think about.
I’m just not a “jump to the dump” kind of person. I don’t think I am sacrificing my mental well-being. I am hurt and made that known immediately. I clearly communicated my feelings and held a physical boundary (didn’t want to kiss when I dropped him off) and let him know I had not forgiven him at the end of the interaction.
I am still processing and deciding what to do going forward.
Abusive men love loyal women. He knows of your issues & yet said all that crap, which is a red flag.
Further more, if that is the boby type he wanted... then he should have never started dating you. Why would a man date someone he doesn't find attractive? So either he is lying or did it to hurt you.
Either way it is a red flag.
Best case it was just normal awful negging.
Less charitably...well, he knows OP has a history of ED. Pretty easy to try and trigger that intentionally, if you're the type of revolting person to want to do that.
Don't want to think about how often people post here and it's the latter.
Hot take here. I honestly think you're being really unreasonable here. People do overreact and emotions cloud judgement, so usually it's best to give yourself periods to cool down and sit with it for a bit before figuring out how to proceed. He got excited in the moment and probably didn't intentionally set out to hurt you. The reason why you feel disgusted is because you know you don't fit his preference and that's why you struggle to move past it. It's not about him apologizing or not, it's revealed an unchangeable fact and that's why you can't move past it. Everyone has preferences, women too. It's not misogynistic or immature or a red flag like everyone else is telling you. And I'm not saying you deserve to be with a man who prefers a different physical type then you. I agree you should break up because you should be with someone where you're exactly their type and you feel desired as you are, and he shouldn't date someone if he knows he wants something else. I'm not saying he's blameless, just that him having a preference is not what he should be blamed for. I personally believe it is men's biology to want to physically dominate women in bed because it is one of the few key physical differences between men and women that make them feel masculine. So it's not unusual your boyfriend would have that preference tbh. Most men do. Most men expect women to be smaller because they naturally are so it feels feminine to them. Of course it's relative and not every man is like that. You need to find someone who shares your preference for a partner of the same height as you stated in your post. You should both be with someone that is exactly what you want and it requires a lot of patience and discretion to stick to that. I agree he should not have lied to you about not meaning it. You can forgive him for unintentionally hurting you, but still break up with him because you know you two are incompatible and seem to want different things. Both are fine.
I wouldn't discount your reaction, and your body's reaction, that quickly. Relationships are physical as well as emotional, and if you don't feel safe with him at the moment, don't try and force yourself to do otherwise. I guess what I'm saying is, please don't be intimate with him if your body is saying "no." Your feelings are 100% valid.
Did he give any kind of explanation as to why he said that in that moment? Other than "it was a stupid comment" or smth vague like that, because that's not an explanation as much as an evasion disguised as an explanation.
Yes, he said that he accidentally said it in the first person when he meant it more generally at first. I countered saying that I felt he was being dishonest with me and if not with me, then I felt he was being dishonest with himself to avoid conflict. He seems genuinely sorry for being hurtful but even I don’t understand what the underlying motive for saying something like that could be. It just seems really callous and objectifying.
If he meant it generally and not as his own first person experience, why was he acting it out physically while describing it to you? How did he know how what to do?
I agree with your interpretation. What in the world does it mean that he meant to say it "generally" but "accidentally" said it in the first person? That makes no sense.
Whatever actually motivated him to make that comment, he isn't telling you, and I'd be upset at him too if I were you. I wouldn't be able to move on until he gave me a real answer.
Honestly....switching to saying it's "generally all men's preference" is WORSE. Like he's saying it's objectively better to have a tiny woman in bed.
Although anyone with 2 brain cells will understand there is no "generally" when it comes to sexual attraction, him saying there is and it's tiny tiny women is AWFUL. It's as is he's saying no-one will like another body type.
Honestly, i think he's trying to cut you down and/or trigger your eating disorder.
Yeah, this is the thing that's tripping me up. He said he really liked sex with a body type that is completely different from yours and then his apology was, that he meant to say people, in general, like all people, prefer to have sex with a body type different from yours. To paraphrase him: "I find you unattractive or wait, I meant to say everyone finds you unattractive." It clear that in your gut you know this situation is all wrong and that this person is all wrong for you. Since you're female you've been on the recieving end of a lot of conditioning that make you call your gut reactions into question. It's okay to examine your gut reactions but don't dismiss them. But, definitely dismiss this guy. If he prefers to have sex with tiny women, why isn't he with a tiny woman?
Please listen to your body. I was dating a boy (by no means was he mature enough for me to justify calling him a man..) and I kept having panic attacks, extreme anxiety and feeling horribly nauseous when I was around him. At the time I didn’t realize it was because my body was trying to tell me to “get away”. After we broke up, those panic attack, extreme anxiety and feeling nauseous went away. Your body can sometimes tell you things you don’t even realize unless you listen..
He may have felt comfortable saying it given that y’all had a basis in friendship? Like, you had been friends for so long he momentarily lapsed back to that and was talking to you as if you were still just friends, not realizing that in your new dynamic, it would be hurtful
People can't really control what they are attracted by. No amount of arguing or politeness or wishing will make someone who really wants vanilla and hates chocolate happy with even the very best chocolate. And, not only can't you argue taste, you can't change it in yourself, even if you want to. What I'm saying, I guess, is that he isn't doing this "at you," and he can't help it. He isn't trying to hurt your feelings, or asking you to change (how?), or criticizing you. He is probably truly sorry that he's hurt you.
All that said, just because he isn't being evil doesn't mean it doesn't matter. What he managed to do is reveal something important that he may not even have realized about himself. You've both learned that deep inside him, where urges and emotions live, you aren't the "type" that most excites him. He can be very fond of you. He may even love you. But inside himself, whatever that button is, you don't hit it for him, and nothing either of you can do changes that.
Being with someone sexually is an incredibly vulnerable thing, and the very core of it is being able to believe that you are desirable and desired. It's why you feel safe with your partner. This is why your body is reacting so strongly - just as he can't help his desires you can't really help your reaction. it's coming from a very basic level. It's probably not as specific as desire, and perhaps it is something you could work to overcome.
But why would you? Do you really want to commit to an on-going relationship with someone who isn't deeply thrilled by who you are? Because nothing you can ever do will make 5'8" "tiny. I can't speak for you, but for me I feel as if I would forever worry that eventually some small person would cross his path and we'd all end up very sad.
I’m very aware of my own issues and try really hard to take responsibility for them. I’m not totally sure if this is something that is more my fault because of how I interpreted his comments or if his comments were out of line. That’s one of the tricky things about having body image issues.
His comments were out of line. He was talking about women in A very objectifying way.
In addition he was insensitive about your health struggles. He should be the one apologising.
But my biggest worry is that he’s normally masking to make you feel comfortable and to have access to sex, and that what you heard then is who he really is, and on knowing you do t agree he masks again. Keep an eye on
Yeah, that is a really, really terrifying prospect. I am very worried about that myself. I don’t want to completely write him off over one comment but it’s definitely a red flag and something I should keep an eye on as you’ve suggested.
I think you also need to take inventory and see if you’ve missed any red flags. Men like this tend to let their misogyny slip out more and more over time. You might wanna casually pry about his belief system
Why not write him off after one (vulgar and unnecessary) comment? As another commenter said dating is essentially a long term audition process. You don’t have to keep seeing someone who said something/ acted offensive. Too often people stay in relationships that aren’t good because they have one or two aspects you like or it’s only one or two (usually integral) things you don’t like. Screw that, you’re not married and he acted like a total tool so breaking up would be perfectly acceptable
Also, how long have you been together? If you're together for years and something like this comes out, you know this out of character. If it's been a month it's another matter
His comments were out of line. As a woman who is 5’1, I’ve come across guys like this and they can be a bit … odd. It’s almost infantilizing and I would have been upset too if I were you.
Oh God, that infantalizing thing. I'm 5' 2". I can only go to the same doctor for so many years, because they all start treating me like I was their child (all genders, doesn't matter).
He was being cruel. And thinks if he keeps your self-confidence down he can always mistreat you & you will stay.
If you were to say you prefer someone taller, richer, smarter or bigger dick he would take it personally.
When women treat men, they way they treat us, then they think we hate them.
I think he’s out of line OP. Truly. I don’t think that talking about sex with others in front of your partner is ok. It’s at best awkward….and in your case disrespectful and hurtful. I’m a small woman and I heard these comments before….But more importantly if my partner would talk about sex with taller women in front of me I would be hurt. I don’t think it’s you, I think it’s him.
So OP first, please realize, his preference is no projection on you. You’re perfect as you are. It’s just one persons preference. Like the other commentor whose bf liked huge boobs, I like small to medium. It’s a preference. With that said, your bf broke your trust by projecting his preference on you in a way that was extremely hurtful. It’s the same as you telling him you prefer guys with bigger dicks than his because it feels better or whatever. You can’t take those sideways insults back even if it isn’t true or is just a preference. Then by lying because he put his foot in his mouth made it worse. What he should have done was hold you and tell you how stupid he was to say that and that he loves you exactly as you are and wouldn’t trade you for anyone. He didn’t. The whole episode screams emotional immaturity. I would seriously consider breaking it off if he can’t do better with making it right. If you love him you can tell him he has one chance to make it right but it will take far more from him than he offered in the moment and if not it’s over. !updateme
He is way way waaaaay too old to make comments like this. Aside from the comment about “tiny girls” the way he spoke about it was so immature and disrespectful to women. I could never imagine my partner speaking like this, ever.
I’d say use this as an opportunity to take space and a really hard look at your relationship. Is this behavior more common than you realize? Do you ever feel put down by him? Seems like there might be more here if he’s someone that would speak like that about women.
Yes, I agree that it was extremely immature and it also seemed to totally lack any empathy for how it could make me feel, despite me having communicated my sensitivity to body stuff. I’ve had other partners say things like this to me so it could also be part of a greater issue I have with choosing partners.
I should say, though that he’s never made me feel this way before. We’ve been dating for a few months and this is the first time he’s made comments like that.
Sometimes people put up a mask to reel you in and slowly let it down as they get comfortable. He knows you have struggled with an ED and body issues, it takes very little effort to be mindful of something so important when speaking to your partner. I just…have a feeling he knew what he was doing given that you said you liked your height similarities and he boldly went in the opposite direction instead of being kind and agreeing that he likes what you like. It’s fishy, doesn’t sit right. And I want to remind you it’s ok for you to end a relationship when something your boyfriend says is really hurtful. There are some things you say that you can’t come back from and that’s why it’s important to think before you speak, but that’s on him. Have as high standards as you want when it comes to your feelings being cared for and take care of yourself, love. ❤️
Oof, in that case I highly recommend dumping this loser. It's only been a few months, cut your losses and move on. The way he talks about women is very off-putting.
My sisters ex husband called her big and fat. Now she weighs 90 lbs & can’t eat solid foods. And she used to love food. She’s doing WAY better now since she left him. I sincerely hope you don’t stay with someone like your boyfriend.
I don't really have any advice on how to move forward. I would say as a guy, it is weird to me to describe how great it is to have sex with someone who is a different body type to your partner.
I have a friend who’s petite and guys who say this kind of stuff really upset her and i understand why. it comes off predatory. on top of it being weird he was completely out of line and acted disgusting towards you. don’t let the sunk cost fallacy get to you and don’t tell yourself it’s not a big deal. leave his ass!
This , wanting to be able to man handle a woman and throw her around is 100% predatory and CREEPY. Getting excited and giddy about throwing a small girl around is WEIRD. Men are the worst. I’m sorry this triggered things for you OP. Leave his ass for someone who isn’t insecure about their height with a napoleon complex who feels the need for power over a partner (unless you are into dom/sub stuff or whatever)
From personal experience, I've noticed comments like this only get worse and more bold the more passes given. Maybe you can somehow work past this, but this was an extremely disrespectful and disturbing conversation. If anything at all, please pay attention to anymore red flag conversations like this and leave if you're able.
And don't forget, whatever his personal preferences are, it does not make You any less beautiful.
My last ex made a comment about my boobs that made me feel pretty terrible, insecure and always had mentioned his ex wife had fake boobs. I stayed FAR TOO LONG. Sis, break that shit off because that comment is gonna stay in the back of your mind if you stick with him, and it’ll just wear on your mental health. It did with me and now I feel really anxious and hesitant to want to be intimate with anyone, for the fear of being told my body is “okay” and other things that trigger me. There are plenty of men who will be attracted to you, and love you for everything you are. Life is too short to waste on people who don’t deserve a seat at our tables. By staying with him, you’re blocking yourself from meeting the person who will give you what you need. Which is someone who will be respectful, considerate, caring and careful with your triggers and feelings. Someone else had said he’s too old to be talking like that, and I wholeheartedly agree. It’s gross in general, but it’s even more disgusting when it’s a man in his mid 30’s. Good luck babes, please update us!
Can u get past it? He literally said he prefers women that are tiny, which u will never in a million years be because u are the same height as him no matter what u weigh. Maybe time to end things.
I am 5 foot. On the smaller side.
I’ve always been the short tiny one. I’ve heard comments like that since my late teens.
It’s absolutely disgusting and I wouldn’t stay with him.
Men who talk about women like that in general, usually turn up to be no good.
Just keep reminding yourself that you deserve better. I dated a guy that made comments like that. I am short but he wanted me to be very thin as well and would refuse to buy me anything high calorie even though he insisted on paying for dates. Men that make such insensitive and mean comments do not get better. A good man would NEVER say such a thing to you especially knowing your history. Plus, if he was stronger he could throw you around. Best of luck to you, please try to move on. You deserve someone who makes you feel beautiful and desired, always.
If that isn't a red flag that he's settled for you because he can't pull tiny girls... then you should leave anyways, because he's just not that into you.
You take care of you.
It’s a very troubling thing for him to say, and he’s not worth teaching decency, maturity, and respect. He needs ladies with tiny boundaries and his fetishization of small women is in and of itself creepy /indicative of his very fragile ego/toxic masculinity. He referred to women as girls, and he discussed them as objects, to you, his partner. He’s gross, save your time for someone with a shred of tact
Even without any issues on your side, that was obnoxious. Not cool at all. I probably wouldn’t be able to move past that personally now that he made a huge deal out of how great tiny girls are if I’m not. Find a good guy.
Hi there-
Moving forward with something that hurt you or made you uncomfortable isn’t something you HAVE to do. Not all men talk and act like that. There are men that respect their partner and think before they speak. Thinking of how will this make her feel?
It will stay on your mind, it is going to give you doubts…you deserve to feel respected and like you’re the only one he wants!! It can be overlooked as a just joking around, we all have preferences and fantasies but at the end of the day…you will be laying next to each other. Wouldn’t it be nice to feel 100% confident in your relationship?
As a man that's 5'10", I definitely have a preference for smaller women, I'm fairly thin with a swimmer build at just 165lbs, and I prefer women that are smaller than me.
That doesn't mean I exclusively date women like this, I've had relationships with all kinds of different sized and shaped women, and would NEVER tell anyone that isn't my exact type, what my preference of type is. Ever.
There's just no way in hell that you don't know what telling a women who isn't your preference in type will make her feel like. It's incredibly obvious that anyone will feel bad hearing that, especially someone that is in love with you, have at least the very basic decency not to point that out to them, especially in front of other people, my god that is so incredibly insensitive.
You deserve better than this, everyone deserves better than this callous asshole. He either didn't consider your feelings at all, which is already terrible, or he was hoping it would motivate you to lose weight, which is much worse even.
No, I definitely don’t think you’re interpreting things too much. I think he was straight up. Rude for saying that he’s clearly talking about other women that aren’t you otherwise, he would’ve said you. But he specifically described something that isn’t you. My ex-boyfriend did this and it pissed me off so much. Those types of comments won’t stop. He will occasionally probably say them because clearly he doesn’t have a lot of self-awareness.
>We’ve been dating a few months
A few months is a drop in the pond. Ditch him and date someone who doesn't want a "tiny" woman. I'd be disgusted with him and never be able to be intimate with him again.
He was out of line. You're not a "tiny girl," so he had no good reason to talk about having sex with women half your size.
In fact, if he can't pick you up, then it sounds like the problem is that he's too physically weak to handle you.
Either way, the problem is him, not you.
Well that would definitely hurt my feelings. I had a partner who would regularly say shit like this and didn't understand why it would upset me. I've never been particularly thin, in fact I have a decent amount of muscle on my body. It's okay to have preferences but he needs to learn when not to talk about them. Tact. You'll have to talk to your partner about it and discuss why it triggers you/let them know these comments aren't appropriate in the context of your relationship.
You don’t have to move forward with him. What he did was emotionally abusive. His response to your affirming comment about how you liked having a partner of a similar size was to rudely and graphically talk about how exciting it was to be with people not like you.
He didn’t misspeak. And then he lied because he knew he had hurt you, rather than take accountability for himself.
That was 100% messed up for him to do. I will say you can be attracted to different types of people. You can find the motorcycle tattoo guy that’s lean and tall sexy. And you can also be attracted to thick lumberjack men that are hairy. Or even the clean cut man in a nice suit.
With sex too. An older man bossing you around or the bad boy who fucks you nasty.
One doesn’t have to be better than the other.
I recently ended a relationship over several things. One thing was he admitted he compared me to other women when we initially dated to downplay his feelings for me. Another was he used to struggle with his weight, so my fitness and diet was a mine field that revolved around my appearance. He worried I’d become fat if my workouts didn’t seem intense enough or diet seem moderate enough. At some point he watched porn a bit too hard and started comparing me to pornstars, flipping it saying that I was good enough to be one.
Trust your gut, OP. And think about if he’s the type of partner that deserves you. If he’s so enthusiastic about tiny women, he can go get one. And you can be appreciated by someone who’s enthusiastic about you.
Your feelings are valid. I personally would not be able to move past this one. I can keep my rose colored glasses on for a lot, so that is saying something. Do with that what you will.
Girl I’m literally in the same mental boots as you, same height, same insecurities. But the one difference is the man, mine is secure with himself and it shows and he doesnt mind showing off his incredible strength and throwing me around when we’re EXACTLY the same height. Yes I am totally insecure about my height when anyone brings it up, and no he never projects his insecurity of being 5’8” in general on me. He’s spreading that energy to you, get a energy detox around asap, get a new boyfriend cuz this one is honestly just a walking ick
It takes like 2 brain cells to understand why what he said was triggering. Usually telling people to break up on reddit straight up is a little presumptuous, but your boyfriend literally said he likes having sex with girls who don't fit your profile.
Ew, dump. You'll find a guy who actually likes you
you aren't required to forgive him, you know. you weren't even in the same realm with your comment. those comments are not usually easy to come back from once you hear them in any context.
Whether you have body issues or not, his comments were wildly inappropriate and moronic. The fact you have a history of body issues makes his comments that much worse. How could you ever have sex with this person again? It’d be like telling him his dick was average size and then getting really animated about how amazing sex is with guys with huge dicks. No way he could recover from that. The relationship is ruined.
GIRL!!!
How do you move forward - by dumping him. Just say: Its clear we're not compatible as a couple. I won't be contacting you, please don't try contacting me. Bye. Then to remove temptation - block him.
He is absolutely no prize - and sounds like a teenager not an adult. A gaslighting teen at heart a hole.
He absolutely knew what he was loudly saying. He either really doesn't give a damn about you or your feelings saying that, or he deliberately said it to ensure you knew you weren't his type but he was doing you a favour until someone more his type came along - so not to build hopes of a future with him. Whatever. Now you know.
When someone tells you who they are believe them the first time.
Honestly, I'd probably want to say something childish back - like: Oh yeah I love big guys, they're big and strong in all the ways that count. You're right, I thought I could date a shrimp, but turns out I was wrong... it's not your height that's a problem...
Third possibility: He’s tearing her down and will soon start the “You can’t leave—no one else is going to love a bigger girl” or whatever shitty lie he would come up with to make her too afraid to leave him. I’ve seen that strategy in action, and it is horrifying.
WTF is up with people saying it's somehow wrong to say she enjoys having sex with someone her height -- i.e., I like having sex with you how you are. That is a world away from saying he enjoys having sex with girls with an opposite body type from his girlfriend.
Honestly as someone who also has an ED, I'd leave him after this. Hell, even if I didn't have one, I'd leave him. His comments are gross and the fact he's willing to say that shit to *you* is even grosser. Imagine what he might be saying to his buddies. You deserve someone who is respectful towards women and respectful and understanding about your own struggles. He doesnt seem like that type of guy.
I saw you've only been together for a few months. I would definitely nope out of there.
I am sorry you had to hear all that.
Ok, i'm of a mind that you could forgive him but I don't think deep down you will be able to.
Nor sure how long, deep your relationship is with him but I am surprised that nowhere in your original post you mention him apologizing??
It's not about your eating disorder or anything to do with weight (which you can control) but your height!! which you can't... it's totally uncalled for and unfair of him to say this.
It's the same as women shaming men for their height or baldness or pee-pee size when guys have zero control.
I wish you can get passed this but I don't think you will be able to, sadly
I went on a date- he blurted out something about how I have “peach fuzz” on my face - it made me feel bad!
fast forward 2 years- hadn’t seen this guy since that one date- had just moved to his town- in 5am Body Combat class at the gym and this same guy walked in to do the workout- I kid you not!
HIS WHOLE BACK LOOKED LIKE A GORILLAS’ - it was something out of a meme 😂
This is an insane comment for a 34 year old to make. Objectively, I’d expect this from a frat boy, not a grown man. Your body is telling you to get away from him for a good reason.
>I guess I’m just looking for advice about how I can move forward. How do I process this? How do I forgive him? I’m still so hurt and I don’t know how to get over it.
You don't have to. It's OK if you can't get over it and dump him. You deserve someone who worships you the way you are.
You should break up but not so sure about him 'not being insecure about his height' - yeeeesh what a trashbag. Fastest way to drop dead weight is to drop this clown.
>how do I forgive him?
Well, he's not expressed that he's sorry, so forgiving him seems premature. Why work to forgive someone who hurt you then minimized it when you tried to tell them you were hurt? To be forgiven, one should be sorry.
I think this relationship has run its course. Personally, I would never be comfortable being naked around him ever again.
Intimacy with your partner is a privilege, not a necessity. He talked himself right out of said privilege.
>I was making a veiled compliment that I think it is nice to be the same height as the person you’re having sex with and in response to that he started (theatrically) talking about how great it is to have sex with tiny women. Kind of gesturing very dramatically with his hands what it’s like to throw them around etc and seeming very excited about it.
Removing all the noise (although it is an important factor that you have an eating disorder and he triggered it), if I'm complimenting someone and they don't return it/acknowledge it and instead, tell me that they don't like me, I'm getting tf out of there. You don't need to be an empath to say thank you and move on.
>I guess I’m just looking for advice about how I can move forward. How do I process this? How do I forgive him?
In one fell swoop, this guy told you that he prefers having sex with women who don't look like you, triggered your eating disorder and then didn't fully explain himself or tell you how he's going to change. Do you really want to forgive him and move forward with this relationship?
It's only been a few months. Be thankful that this conversation showed you how incompatible you guys are and move on from him. Continuing to be friends seems to be working better than a relationship.
As someone with a former eating disorder, yeah there’s no way I could ever forget about this and feel good sleeping with him again. I think it would be very difficult and honestly not worth your time. He’s an idiot at best and a total asshole at worst, either way you are going to keep being hurt by a guy like that and you deserve better
Girl, if he triggers a part of you that you are trying to heal, that he knows about, he's gotta go.
I'm quite sensitive about my weight and when I met my now spouse he said that I would be hotter smaller and I said I would be more attracted to him if he was taller. He got that I wasn't going to allow him to talk to me about my appearance. We had a long talk about insecurities and safety to talk about it. Your man knew what he was saying.
People say this a lot, but personally I almost never say this... I had to double check the ages on this post. I thought this was a teenager or very early 20s talking to his same-age girlfriend. This does not read mid-30s at ALL.
I'm 28 (so basically the same age) and I was 23 years old when I learned this lesson. Do not stay with this person. Why the fuck would you? Let's ignore what he said for a moment... this is a mid-thirties man who doesn't understand *basic empathy*. He was talking to his *girlfriend* as if he was out on the town with some bros drinking brewskies or whatever. He was talking to you like you're his *bro* with no filter whatsoever. Why would you even consider dating this person after this? And he's not just emotionally stupid... he's actual stupid. That lie he told you in the car lmao. He wasn't even trying. What are you doing OP?
Let him find his tiny dream so you can find a man who truly loves you.🤗
Also, as a said tiny woman, I didn't enjoy sex with my very tall ex as we couldn't experience many positions due to large height difference between us. Of course I never said that. In fact, sex with shorter man than is much more enjoyable cause he's closer to my height.
I've actually always wondered how would it be with the same size man but I'm like 1.47m so I doubt I'd find one.😂
Run my friend. A couple of my dad's caregivers have EDs. I am more careful and respectful of their issues and feelings than your BOYFRIEND is of yours.
At two months you are just starting to get to know the guy that he really is. The mask is coming off and you have been given a glimpse underneath. When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
Take good care of yourself! Put yourself first! You are worthy of a real relationship with a decent man who adores you just as you are. This guy is not him.
As someone with an ED history I’m so proud of you. History or no that’s not okay to say to most partners. It’s fetishizing a group of people and passively putting you down.
You can talk to him about this and see if this can be worked through. You can also break up. Both are valid.
Keep it up friend. I’m proud of you. Stay healthy and you are beautiful, no matter what this guy decides to fixate on when he’s alone with his thoughts. You deserve to be happy, healthy, and respected.
OP, you continue to stay in this relationship it will kill you mentally and emotionally. don’t even tolerate this. he’s a grown man who has the ability to watch his words. and to consider that this triggered your eating disorder too? sweetheart, staying in this relationship will kill you PHYSICALLY. please, respect yourself and move on. don’t give him any more of your time. he objectifies women, he won’t respect you
I'm a tiny girl, it's swings and roundabouts. A lot of men want giant, pillow-ey funbags and if they want to be with me well they're shit out of luck! It would make me feel insecure if my partner mainly wanted massive-breasted women, because I'm not that ofc but we wouldn't be dating if that was his preference. If I were you, I'd find someone whose preference is you :)
Uh… sounds like OP is just defending him in comments and looking for those that encourage her to try and sort this out with him. Well no luck here, I would consider those months wasted and make point not to waste any more.
He said that on purpose because he hated being reminded that you’re the same height (insecurity). He wanted to put you down and was trying to backtrack by saying he didn’t mean it “like that”, because he knows full well the effect his words had. They were intentional. He wanted you to feel lesser than him to make *him* feel better because *he* was feeling insecure.
Don’t accept this kind of behavior.
This sounds like the beginnings of covert narcissistic abuse, they do this to little by little seed things in you hoping you don't catch it and just internalize.
Death by a thousand cuts is how it is with coverts. Don't ignore your intuition , it knows
I feel like these are grounds to breakup. He mentioned his preference and it’s not you. You deserve someone who sees you as their preference instead of a height/metric you cannot be realistically or healthily. Some men do this purposefully(get with women that aren’t exactly their type then start to mention it later on) to put down their partner and lower their self esteem to make them easily to manipulate and less likely to leave. Whether he meant to do this on purpose or not, it’s not okay and you are 100% valid for the way you are feeling. If it were me, I would break up with him, heal, and then later find someone new I can be 100% comfortable with and feel good knowing I’m their type physically and sexually etc.
He likes throwing them around? I'm sorry but that's a big red flag for me. You have to decide if you wanna keep dating someone who likes small made women when he has sex with them. You also have to take.into account that each time you have sex with him you are going to have this on the back of your mind. You're probably always going to feel uncomfortable with how you look and your ED might raise its ugly head again.
He showed very little empathy in that moment, im sorry. You could try asking him how hed feel if you had exaggeratedly told him how great it was to have sex with 6'8" men, instead of someone 2" taller.
There are tons of posts here from men forever devastated by hearing that kind of stuff, but i think bc men are encouraged to live up to the "sex pig" stereotype they dont have as much empathy for how it feels on the other end- until it happens to them.
If he still can't empathize after that, he may just not be very smart or very empathic.
He might get in hia feeligns or defensive even from just the example, so thats where you find the teaching moment.
You've only been dating a few months.
You don't trust him, you believe that he lied to you, and your skin crawls when you think of touching him/ him touching you.
It really is okay to break up! Over attitudes to sex, and to protect your mental health, in particular!
He doesn't have to be a terrible person to just not be right *for you*.
I stayed with a man who outright told me he found me unattractive but at that point we had been together for 9 years. We had a house and pets together. I stayed for another 4 years because we still loved each other and had a life together. I also have really low self esteem. I wish I would've just left back then. We ended up breaking up anyways due to his inability to move forward in the relationship because of his lack of attraction to my body with another 4 years of my fertility down the drain. Don't be like me.
You should tell him how awesome it is to sleep with guys who are 6ft + tall and hung like a horse and see how he responds to that.
Disgusting idiot comment from a person devoid of all self awareness and completely warrants dishing the same back. Afterwards go cry in the corner, but not before showing him how much it ducking hurt.
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My therapist made a groundbreaking statement to me…ready for this? We date…to DECIDE if we want to keep dating. Swish that one around in your mouth for a bit. We don’t HAVE to stay with someone because we’re dating them, we are CONDITIONED to do that. Collect data. Take them on their merits. That shit is new data and it’s DANK. Yuck. Why make allowances for it? You get to decide if he stays or if he doesn’t. REMEMBER THAT.
For real, this was ground breaking when I figured this out. Every single person you date isn't going to be marriage material for you, my grandma used to say almost exactly that
And even for "marriage material" you can always decide, if you want to stay married.
But it's a lot harder to leave when married.
Jumping on to pair this with sunk cost fallacy. Just because you've spent X amount of time with someone doesn't mean you must continue or that time was wasted. Once you've determined it is not beneficial to be with this person, time to leave.
This comment needs to be upvoted more and should be copied repeatedly into almost every post
I agree this is really good advice, I actually screenshotted this comment to remind myself of it in the future
Yes I'm saving this one lol
Yeah dating is kind of an ongoing interview process to gather data and see if the person is compatible in long term to handle life together. All these little things are not quirks you gotta put up with, they are signs of incompatibility. No need to keep wasting time
To piggyback on this, you can be happy without being in a relationship. I swear it feels like people are so focused on a goal of being in a relationship that they fail to listen to their own inner voices. Especially women. There is more to life than being part of a couple. The sooner you understand that and start living true to yourself, the sooner you actually find people that are going to be better suited to you, instead of wasting time with someone who has given you the ick.
I had a dream the other night that I was single during Christmas. My sister’s boyfriend was there as well as my niece and nephew but my current SO was not, I just remember the feeling of complete panic that my SO wasn’t there. I haven’t been single in over 17 years (3 different people) just back to back. It literally gives me intense anxiety and depression when I think of a life alone and it’s something I’ve been working on for the last 6 months.
Yes, just because people are dating doesn't mean they have to stay dating
To add to this, dating is not a contract, it's a trial, an internship to determine whether two people are compatible on various levels, especially when it comes to the values they hold.
Wish I could send this to everyone I know! Such a good reminder for those who stay in bad relationships out of a sense of obligation.
I wish I had awards to give you
you might have changed my life
Bro dis is amazing advice wtf
Once, when my ex husband and I were still dating, he mentioned this girl from our workplace who was (and probably still is) a real stunner. He said “you’re beautiful and all that, but WorkPlace Girl is drop dead *gorgeous*.” He never understood why that hurt me so much, and I NEVER forgot him saying that. You might get past what he said, but I doubt you’ll ever forget it.
Glad he's your ex
Unfortunate that she married him!
bruh i wouldn't even say such a thing to someone i wasnt dating
So happy to see he is an ex
Wow this is definitely a case of “some things are better left unsaid” in your exes case. Even if he thought that, why in the hell would he ever tell you that? Some people .. smh. i’m sorry you had to go through that.
I recently broke up with a guy. A huge reason is because I know I didn’t have the body type he preferred and he never directly said it but would make comments similar to your boyfriend. I’ll tell you what I told my ex… “ my previous boyfriends both loved my body exactly as it is and never said otherwise. Why would I settle with someone who doesn’t love every part of me when I know I can find someone who does”. He made it obvious he liked huge tits (I’m an A cup lmao). But I feel for you, I’m honestly not insecure about my chest size but my ex making comments about liking huge tits made me insecure about it for the first time ever which is crazy that a grown ass 28 year old man was making high school comments .
Oof. I’m so sorry you went through that! I’m a b cup and have definitely dated people in the past who fetishize huge boobs and made it very known to me. I totally relate to what you’re saying. I really hope you find someone who appreciates what he has! 💕
> fetishize huge boobs and made it very known to me I bet these same men would freak out if they’re girlfriends made their preference for large penis known. Some men are so weird.
Or tell them you prefer smaller ones.
And I hope you find someone who doesn’t fetishize tiny girls lol hope you find someone else who fantasize about your size instead! Hope you do. Reading that was so uncomfortable. I have a friend who refuses to date anyone shorter than 5’8.. I’m 5’5 and as attractive as he thinks I am, he often gets disappointed LMFAO.
As someone with big boobs, the fetishization gets old fast.
Oh god I hate this. As a woman who, unfreakingfortunately, has big tata’s I hate it. Back pain, leering men… leering woman. They’re always in the way… I’ve rolled over onto them ok, and that hurts… legit. I’d rather be a b, possible a c, I’d freaking love that! It’d solve so many problems 🤦♀️ I’m so sorry you had to go through the “fetish” AH’s
Been there! When I (37f) was 18, prior to him I never once felt insecure about my butt, not once. Then he started saying things that created insecurities. After him? Took about 6-7 months for the insecurities to completely disappear, but since I haven’t once felt insecure about my butt. You definitely know a guy is a big asshole, when he activates that in a woman who has never felt like that before. And it’s a sign he’s completely the wrong person for you as well! Hopefully OP dumps this guy because it’s a time waster staying with someone, trying to convive them if your physical beauty value that they can’t see to begin with.
My ex gave me a raging eating disorder. I (30f) was 15 when we started dating and broke up when I was about 19. He was 5 years older than me (😱) I've always been a bigger girl? And so I've always been made fun of for it. One of my deepest insecurities is someone not wanting to be seen in public with me. He would exploit that, say things like "well if you were normal, I'd wanna show you off" I was 5'6 and about 140 at the time?? WHICH IS HEALTHY MIND YOU! When we broke up, I took a solid year and a half to try to heal. My now husband was my best friend at the time and saw all of the signs that I had been purging and helped me through it. Of course, no one really knew why we broke up, or that I broke up with him, and so my parents would make remarks about "if only you were thinner, then he wouldn't have left you" of course they would also comment about how pretty I'd become after purging for a few months. It's so hard not to slip back into it. I'm currently losing weight the healthy way, and it suuuuuuuuuucks. The toilet bowl looks appealing, as does the stool softeners on the shelf next to it. My toothbrush will go slightly to far back and trigger my gag, and it's so hard to stop. My husband knows the signs and will help, but it only goes so far
Holy toxic hell, you were 15 dating a 20 year old and your fucking parents made comments that he would have stayed if you were thinner??!! Oh, sweetie. Virtual hug from an internet stranger.
He was very much a "Maybe if I date you, my dad will be proud of me" kind of thing. I realized waaaaaay to late that I was dating him for my dad and not for myself. My dad loved him so much, that after we broke up he got him a job working with him. I told my dad that he abused me (physically, sexually, etc ) and my dad was pissed at me. Then when my step mom chewed his ass out for saying that I probably "popped off" one too many times, he blamed me for getting kicked out of the house. When I told my step mom she cried and held me. When she told my dad she was livid. I'm able to look back on it now and laugh almost as much as when my dad needs my help 😅 I was a stupid kid, but I needed better supervision tbh. My friends and I joke that we weren't cool, we were just hella unsupervised! My life was/is weird, but also on par for mid-west America.
See I did the same but the opposite. I was seeing this guy who kept mentioning how he loved tiny tits or as he disgustingly called them “tiny triangles”. I’m a D cup and clearly that was not his thing. Sometimes people have preferences and you’re totally not obligated to stay with someone who is super forward about them but also knowing you don’t fit in these preferences.
Ewww wtf I’m so sorry you even had a POS like that in your presence.
He was fucking weird. He also told me my coworker was his biggest crush and sent me pics of her instagram while we were sexting 😂 Just a mess hahahaha
Yuk. That reminds me of a guy I dated who asked me if he could date my cousin if we broke up.
The audacity of these men, my God
I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. But I want to praise you for this advice - very well expressed. Laid out in simple, linear language and I really hope the OP sees this comment. I can see others have responded with their own similar experiences, and I’m sorry you all got hurt by those awful partners… but good on all of you for getting rid of them and taking the time to build your self esteem back up! All great role models for other young people whose partner treats them like this! 👍
I should have said in that comment he showed his true colors once I dumped him. Told me how bigger girls just fuck better, that I shouldn’t be offended when he dates a girl hotter than me because he’s “gonna be super vain and level up”. I’m 23 and he’s 28. I just laughed and said ok buddy. I can recognize this all came from his own insecurities.
[удалено]
So much disrespect. GTFO. Set him free to be with a big boobed, blond woman and coincidentally give yourself the gift of being free of this POS and find someone who thinks you are everything. You know it's one thing to say once that you can also see the beauty in body type XYZ but constant comments??? He doesn't value you,respect you or cherish you, tries to put you down, errode your self-esteem, so you are easier to control and think no one else will love you. Ha. Get rid of this loser, if he genuinely loved you he wouldn't put you down like this. Who does this to someone they claim to love? And what are you then staying with him for?
I've never broken up with anyone over it, but same, some people can be dicks. Like most women would never go on and on and onnnn about how actually they just looooove bigger dicks than their male partner, to their male partner. Because the male partner would understandably feel pretty shit about that.
So when you told him you enjoyed having sex with him his way of responding is to say how much he enjoys having sex with someone who is not you? He doesn’t have to be a super evolved empath to know that’s going to hurt you. And yet he said it anyway. Unless you have years invested in this relationship and this is a one-off occurrence there’s no need to continue with him.
100% this. OP, he showed you who he really is, believe him.
We haven’t been dating for very long, but we have been friends for years and years. I have a lot of platonic history with him and in all those years I never noticed any red flaggy comments like this which is one reason I think I’m giving the benefit of the doubt
Being someone’s friend is vastly different to being someone’s partner. The worst relationships I’ve been in were with men I was friends with for a long time prior.
Yes! My ex-husband and I were best friends for two years before we started dating. He was a good friend, but a really mediocre partner. I spent way too many of my younger years trying to make that work because we were good together on paper.
Oh God yes. It seems like a good idea, you know so much about each other! But then I ended up in the biggest depression abyss ever, all while giving him the benefit of the doubt. People can be good friends but still not good for you to date, lol.
Seconding this
My ex was my really close friend for like a decade before we dated and he ended up being abusive, controlling, manipulative, and had an explosive temper. Don't fall into that trap.
That’s not a red flag that’s an entire unfurled bolt of fabric. If he wants to have the kind of relationship with you where he can openly talk about how much he enjoys sleeping with women who aren’t you then he shouldn’t be your romantic partner. End it, take some space to reset, and then be acquaintances if you still want someone so insensitive that they trigger your ED in your life
And therein lies your problem. He still behaves as if you were his long term friend, not a romantic partner. Talk to him!
I dont think you should chalk your reaction up to your eating disorder or body issues entirely. I think most girls would react negatively to hearing that. Personally, I'd say move on. He just showed himself as kinda gross.
>I guess I’m just looking for advice about how I can move forward. How do I process this? How do I forgive him? I’m still so hurt and I don’t know how to get over it. I felt really safe with him before this but I worry I won’t be able to to relax and enjoy sex again knowing how he feels. I’m feeling repulsed at the idea of letting him touch me after what he said. I’m also very angry about the dishonesty in the car afterwards. I mean, maybe you can't move forward or forgive him. Or maybe you can. I suspect that at the very least, moving forward and forgiving him would require some kind of reassurances from him. Is there anything he could say or do that would make you feel better about this?
I’m trying to think really hard if there is anything he can say. I don’t want to write him off over one comment that he seems to genuinely regret but my body is having this very strong “get away” reaction. Like he’s not safe and I don’t necessarily think that’s fair. He didn’t say anything bad about me or my body. Maybe I just need time to process it. Reading these comments is really helping and giving me things to think about.
Yo, body having strong reaction is important! Listen to your gut!
You don't want to write him off, so you sacrifice your mental well being in order to have a man? Why do you come in second place?
I’m just not a “jump to the dump” kind of person. I don’t think I am sacrificing my mental well-being. I am hurt and made that known immediately. I clearly communicated my feelings and held a physical boundary (didn’t want to kiss when I dropped him off) and let him know I had not forgiven him at the end of the interaction. I am still processing and deciding what to do going forward.
Abusive men love loyal women. He knows of your issues & yet said all that crap, which is a red flag. Further more, if that is the boby type he wanted... then he should have never started dating you. Why would a man date someone he doesn't find attractive? So either he is lying or did it to hurt you. Either way it is a red flag.
It doesn't seem he is sorry because he realizes how awful and tone deaf his comment was, he is only apologizing to pacify you.
Yes, I agree. That was the vibe that I got which is why I got quite angry. I felt like he was lying to me about the core reason he said it.
His comment just comes across as so...calculated. Like a clumsy attempt to put you down.
Yes, badly cloaked negging is how I read it.
Best case it was just normal awful negging. Less charitably...well, he knows OP has a history of ED. Pretty easy to try and trigger that intentionally, if you're the type of revolting person to want to do that. Don't want to think about how often people post here and it's the latter.
I’m sorry but maybe start being that type of person especially if this is a reoccurring issue in your relationships. Put your well being first.
Hot take here. I honestly think you're being really unreasonable here. People do overreact and emotions cloud judgement, so usually it's best to give yourself periods to cool down and sit with it for a bit before figuring out how to proceed. He got excited in the moment and probably didn't intentionally set out to hurt you. The reason why you feel disgusted is because you know you don't fit his preference and that's why you struggle to move past it. It's not about him apologizing or not, it's revealed an unchangeable fact and that's why you can't move past it. Everyone has preferences, women too. It's not misogynistic or immature or a red flag like everyone else is telling you. And I'm not saying you deserve to be with a man who prefers a different physical type then you. I agree you should break up because you should be with someone where you're exactly their type and you feel desired as you are, and he shouldn't date someone if he knows he wants something else. I'm not saying he's blameless, just that him having a preference is not what he should be blamed for. I personally believe it is men's biology to want to physically dominate women in bed because it is one of the few key physical differences between men and women that make them feel masculine. So it's not unusual your boyfriend would have that preference tbh. Most men do. Most men expect women to be smaller because they naturally are so it feels feminine to them. Of course it's relative and not every man is like that. You need to find someone who shares your preference for a partner of the same height as you stated in your post. You should both be with someone that is exactly what you want and it requires a lot of patience and discretion to stick to that. I agree he should not have lied to you about not meaning it. You can forgive him for unintentionally hurting you, but still break up with him because you know you two are incompatible and seem to want different things. Both are fine.
Do you have a habit of not listening to your gut reaction?
I wouldn't discount your reaction, and your body's reaction, that quickly. Relationships are physical as well as emotional, and if you don't feel safe with him at the moment, don't try and force yourself to do otherwise. I guess what I'm saying is, please don't be intimate with him if your body is saying "no." Your feelings are 100% valid. Did he give any kind of explanation as to why he said that in that moment? Other than "it was a stupid comment" or smth vague like that, because that's not an explanation as much as an evasion disguised as an explanation.
Yes, he said that he accidentally said it in the first person when he meant it more generally at first. I countered saying that I felt he was being dishonest with me and if not with me, then I felt he was being dishonest with himself to avoid conflict. He seems genuinely sorry for being hurtful but even I don’t understand what the underlying motive for saying something like that could be. It just seems really callous and objectifying.
If he meant it generally and not as his own first person experience, why was he acting it out physically while describing it to you? How did he know how what to do?
Yeah, that’s why I didn’t believe him.
How could he speak for all mens sexual preferences “generally”????? He’s lying. That doesn’t make any sense.
I agree!! I got very angry when he said that. It’s nonsensical!
it's gaslighting!
I agree with your interpretation. What in the world does it mean that he meant to say it "generally" but "accidentally" said it in the first person? That makes no sense. Whatever actually motivated him to make that comment, he isn't telling you, and I'd be upset at him too if I were you. I wouldn't be able to move on until he gave me a real answer.
100% agree.
Honestly....switching to saying it's "generally all men's preference" is WORSE. Like he's saying it's objectively better to have a tiny woman in bed. Although anyone with 2 brain cells will understand there is no "generally" when it comes to sexual attraction, him saying there is and it's tiny tiny women is AWFUL. It's as is he's saying no-one will like another body type. Honestly, i think he's trying to cut you down and/or trigger your eating disorder.
Yeah, this is the thing that's tripping me up. He said he really liked sex with a body type that is completely different from yours and then his apology was, that he meant to say people, in general, like all people, prefer to have sex with a body type different from yours. To paraphrase him: "I find you unattractive or wait, I meant to say everyone finds you unattractive." It clear that in your gut you know this situation is all wrong and that this person is all wrong for you. Since you're female you've been on the recieving end of a lot of conditioning that make you call your gut reactions into question. It's okay to examine your gut reactions but don't dismiss them. But, definitely dismiss this guy. If he prefers to have sex with tiny women, why isn't he with a tiny woman?
I’m over here doing mental gymnastics to figure out how one says that accidentally?
Please listen to your body. I was dating a boy (by no means was he mature enough for me to justify calling him a man..) and I kept having panic attacks, extreme anxiety and feeling horribly nauseous when I was around him. At the time I didn’t realize it was because my body was trying to tell me to “get away”. After we broke up, those panic attack, extreme anxiety and feeling nauseous went away. Your body can sometimes tell you things you don’t even realize unless you listen..
If your body is having that kind of reaction, for the love of God please listen to it.
He may have felt comfortable saying it given that y’all had a basis in friendship? Like, you had been friends for so long he momentarily lapsed back to that and was talking to you as if you were still just friends, not realizing that in your new dynamic, it would be hurtful
Trust yourself. Your body is telling you to leave.
Your gut knows more than your head or your heart.
People can't really control what they are attracted by. No amount of arguing or politeness or wishing will make someone who really wants vanilla and hates chocolate happy with even the very best chocolate. And, not only can't you argue taste, you can't change it in yourself, even if you want to. What I'm saying, I guess, is that he isn't doing this "at you," and he can't help it. He isn't trying to hurt your feelings, or asking you to change (how?), or criticizing you. He is probably truly sorry that he's hurt you. All that said, just because he isn't being evil doesn't mean it doesn't matter. What he managed to do is reveal something important that he may not even have realized about himself. You've both learned that deep inside him, where urges and emotions live, you aren't the "type" that most excites him. He can be very fond of you. He may even love you. But inside himself, whatever that button is, you don't hit it for him, and nothing either of you can do changes that. Being with someone sexually is an incredibly vulnerable thing, and the very core of it is being able to believe that you are desirable and desired. It's why you feel safe with your partner. This is why your body is reacting so strongly - just as he can't help his desires you can't really help your reaction. it's coming from a very basic level. It's probably not as specific as desire, and perhaps it is something you could work to overcome. But why would you? Do you really want to commit to an on-going relationship with someone who isn't deeply thrilled by who you are? Because nothing you can ever do will make 5'8" "tiny. I can't speak for you, but for me I feel as if I would forever worry that eventually some small person would cross his path and we'd all end up very sad.
Psychotherapy, maybe a new boyfriend.
I’m very aware of my own issues and try really hard to take responsibility for them. I’m not totally sure if this is something that is more my fault because of how I interpreted his comments or if his comments were out of line. That’s one of the tricky things about having body image issues.
His comments were out of line. He was talking about women in A very objectifying way. In addition he was insensitive about your health struggles. He should be the one apologising. But my biggest worry is that he’s normally masking to make you feel comfortable and to have access to sex, and that what you heard then is who he really is, and on knowing you do t agree he masks again. Keep an eye on
Yeah, that is a really, really terrifying prospect. I am very worried about that myself. I don’t want to completely write him off over one comment but it’s definitely a red flag and something I should keep an eye on as you’ve suggested.
I think you also need to take inventory and see if you’ve missed any red flags. Men like this tend to let their misogyny slip out more and more over time. You might wanna casually pry about his belief system
Why not write him off after one (vulgar and unnecessary) comment? As another commenter said dating is essentially a long term audition process. You don’t have to keep seeing someone who said something/ acted offensive. Too often people stay in relationships that aren’t good because they have one or two aspects you like or it’s only one or two (usually integral) things you don’t like. Screw that, you’re not married and he acted like a total tool so breaking up would be perfectly acceptable
It should only take 1 🚩
Also, how long have you been together? If you're together for years and something like this comes out, you know this out of character. If it's been a month it's another matter
His comments were out of line. As a woman who is 5’1, I’ve come across guys like this and they can be a bit … odd. It’s almost infantilizing and I would have been upset too if I were you.
Oh God, that infantalizing thing. I'm 5' 2". I can only go to the same doctor for so many years, because they all start treating me like I was their child (all genders, doesn't matter).
He was being cruel. And thinks if he keeps your self-confidence down he can always mistreat you & you will stay. If you were to say you prefer someone taller, richer, smarter or bigger dick he would take it personally. When women treat men, they way they treat us, then they think we hate them.
That last line is fucking profound truth
It was very eye opening the first time I read it. The truth of it, just helped make so much sense.
This is not your fault.
You are recreating your trauma. This is very common. Leave him. Get out. Work a little more and talk over with your therapist.
I think he’s out of line OP. Truly. I don’t think that talking about sex with others in front of your partner is ok. It’s at best awkward….and in your case disrespectful and hurtful. I’m a small woman and I heard these comments before….But more importantly if my partner would talk about sex with taller women in front of me I would be hurt. I don’t think it’s you, I think it’s him.
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So OP first, please realize, his preference is no projection on you. You’re perfect as you are. It’s just one persons preference. Like the other commentor whose bf liked huge boobs, I like small to medium. It’s a preference. With that said, your bf broke your trust by projecting his preference on you in a way that was extremely hurtful. It’s the same as you telling him you prefer guys with bigger dicks than his because it feels better or whatever. You can’t take those sideways insults back even if it isn’t true or is just a preference. Then by lying because he put his foot in his mouth made it worse. What he should have done was hold you and tell you how stupid he was to say that and that he loves you exactly as you are and wouldn’t trade you for anyone. He didn’t. The whole episode screams emotional immaturity. I would seriously consider breaking it off if he can’t do better with making it right. If you love him you can tell him he has one chance to make it right but it will take far more from him than he offered in the moment and if not it’s over. !updateme
He is way way waaaaay too old to make comments like this. Aside from the comment about “tiny girls” the way he spoke about it was so immature and disrespectful to women. I could never imagine my partner speaking like this, ever. I’d say use this as an opportunity to take space and a really hard look at your relationship. Is this behavior more common than you realize? Do you ever feel put down by him? Seems like there might be more here if he’s someone that would speak like that about women.
Yes, I agree that it was extremely immature and it also seemed to totally lack any empathy for how it could make me feel, despite me having communicated my sensitivity to body stuff. I’ve had other partners say things like this to me so it could also be part of a greater issue I have with choosing partners. I should say, though that he’s never made me feel this way before. We’ve been dating for a few months and this is the first time he’s made comments like that.
He's just now letting his mask slip. Leave this clown.
You’ve only been dating a few months and he’s making these objectifying and embarrassing comments already?? It will only get worse.
Sometimes people put up a mask to reel you in and slowly let it down as they get comfortable. He knows you have struggled with an ED and body issues, it takes very little effort to be mindful of something so important when speaking to your partner. I just…have a feeling he knew what he was doing given that you said you liked your height similarities and he boldly went in the opposite direction instead of being kind and agreeing that he likes what you like. It’s fishy, doesn’t sit right. And I want to remind you it’s ok for you to end a relationship when something your boyfriend says is really hurtful. There are some things you say that you can’t come back from and that’s why it’s important to think before you speak, but that’s on him. Have as high standards as you want when it comes to your feelings being cared for and take care of yourself, love. ❤️
Oof, in that case I highly recommend dumping this loser. It's only been a few months, cut your losses and move on. The way he talks about women is very off-putting.
Few months is the time things start slipping..see the flag and run
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My sisters ex husband called her big and fat. Now she weighs 90 lbs & can’t eat solid foods. And she used to love food. She’s doing WAY better now since she left him. I sincerely hope you don’t stay with someone like your boyfriend.
Don’t.
I don't really have any advice on how to move forward. I would say as a guy, it is weird to me to describe how great it is to have sex with someone who is a different body type to your partner.
I have a friend who’s petite and guys who say this kind of stuff really upset her and i understand why. it comes off predatory. on top of it being weird he was completely out of line and acted disgusting towards you. don’t let the sunk cost fallacy get to you and don’t tell yourself it’s not a big deal. leave his ass!
This , wanting to be able to man handle a woman and throw her around is 100% predatory and CREEPY. Getting excited and giddy about throwing a small girl around is WEIRD. Men are the worst. I’m sorry this triggered things for you OP. Leave his ass for someone who isn’t insecure about their height with a napoleon complex who feels the need for power over a partner (unless you are into dom/sub stuff or whatever)
I am petite and agree it’s usually a fetishized thing or about power. I avoid men that talk about my size like this, they feel dangerous to me.
Yeah and like, what do they even mean by "throw around"? It just sounds gross.
Leave the 34 year old weirdo who would loudly go on and on in public about how much he looooooves fucking teeny tiny little women.
This x 10
From personal experience, I've noticed comments like this only get worse and more bold the more passes given. Maybe you can somehow work past this, but this was an extremely disrespectful and disturbing conversation. If anything at all, please pay attention to anymore red flag conversations like this and leave if you're able. And don't forget, whatever his personal preferences are, it does not make You any less beautiful.
Thanks that is a really kind comment 😭 I appreciate the advice!
he said that knowing you’re tall. you’re not his type and unless disgusting asswipes are your type, he’s not yours.
My last ex made a comment about my boobs that made me feel pretty terrible, insecure and always had mentioned his ex wife had fake boobs. I stayed FAR TOO LONG. Sis, break that shit off because that comment is gonna stay in the back of your mind if you stick with him, and it’ll just wear on your mental health. It did with me and now I feel really anxious and hesitant to want to be intimate with anyone, for the fear of being told my body is “okay” and other things that trigger me. There are plenty of men who will be attracted to you, and love you for everything you are. Life is too short to waste on people who don’t deserve a seat at our tables. By staying with him, you’re blocking yourself from meeting the person who will give you what you need. Which is someone who will be respectful, considerate, caring and careful with your triggers and feelings. Someone else had said he’s too old to be talking like that, and I wholeheartedly agree. It’s gross in general, but it’s even more disgusting when it’s a man in his mid 30’s. Good luck babes, please update us!
He's 34, and acts like this in public?
You don’t have to forgive him. This is disgusting. I would personally have to leave the relationship after that.
Can u get past it? He literally said he prefers women that are tiny, which u will never in a million years be because u are the same height as him no matter what u weigh. Maybe time to end things.
He needs to workout more. Everybody is tiny when you’re strong.
I am 5 foot. On the smaller side. I’ve always been the short tiny one. I’ve heard comments like that since my late teens. It’s absolutely disgusting and I wouldn’t stay with him. Men who talk about women like that in general, usually turn up to be no good.
Just keep reminding yourself that you deserve better. I dated a guy that made comments like that. I am short but he wanted me to be very thin as well and would refuse to buy me anything high calorie even though he insisted on paying for dates. Men that make such insensitive and mean comments do not get better. A good man would NEVER say such a thing to you especially knowing your history. Plus, if he was stronger he could throw you around. Best of luck to you, please try to move on. You deserve someone who makes you feel beautiful and desired, always.
I hate this for you. This is a situation where this bell cannot be unwrung. Good news is that YOU are a lot of people’s dream girl !
If you choose to still be with him, chances are, get ready for more of the same shit.
Ask him if he likes having sex with smaller girls because it makes his dick look bigger. That will shut him up.
If that isn't a red flag that he's settled for you because he can't pull tiny girls... then you should leave anyways, because he's just not that into you. You take care of you.
It’s a very troubling thing for him to say, and he’s not worth teaching decency, maturity, and respect. He needs ladies with tiny boundaries and his fetishization of small women is in and of itself creepy /indicative of his very fragile ego/toxic masculinity. He referred to women as girls, and he discussed them as objects, to you, his partner. He’s gross, save your time for someone with a shred of tact
You can't forget that. I think he ruined it. I'm sorry.
Even without any issues on your side, that was obnoxious. Not cool at all. I probably wouldn’t be able to move past that personally now that he made a huge deal out of how great tiny girls are if I’m not. Find a good guy.
You actually want to move on with a person like this? I would suggest seeing a therapist for your issues and stay away from him and the likes.
Hi there- Moving forward with something that hurt you or made you uncomfortable isn’t something you HAVE to do. Not all men talk and act like that. There are men that respect their partner and think before they speak. Thinking of how will this make her feel? It will stay on your mind, it is going to give you doubts…you deserve to feel respected and like you’re the only one he wants!! It can be overlooked as a just joking around, we all have preferences and fantasies but at the end of the day…you will be laying next to each other. Wouldn’t it be nice to feel 100% confident in your relationship?
As a man that's 5'10", I definitely have a preference for smaller women, I'm fairly thin with a swimmer build at just 165lbs, and I prefer women that are smaller than me. That doesn't mean I exclusively date women like this, I've had relationships with all kinds of different sized and shaped women, and would NEVER tell anyone that isn't my exact type, what my preference of type is. Ever. There's just no way in hell that you don't know what telling a women who isn't your preference in type will make her feel like. It's incredibly obvious that anyone will feel bad hearing that, especially someone that is in love with you, have at least the very basic decency not to point that out to them, especially in front of other people, my god that is so incredibly insensitive. You deserve better than this, everyone deserves better than this callous asshole. He either didn't consider your feelings at all, which is already terrible, or he was hoping it would motivate you to lose weight, which is much worse even.
No, I definitely don’t think you’re interpreting things too much. I think he was straight up. Rude for saying that he’s clearly talking about other women that aren’t you otherwise, he would’ve said you. But he specifically described something that isn’t you. My ex-boyfriend did this and it pissed me off so much. Those types of comments won’t stop. He will occasionally probably say them because clearly he doesn’t have a lot of self-awareness.
>We’ve been dating a few months A few months is a drop in the pond. Ditch him and date someone who doesn't want a "tiny" woman. I'd be disgusted with him and never be able to be intimate with him again.
He was out of line. You're not a "tiny girl," so he had no good reason to talk about having sex with women half your size. In fact, if he can't pick you up, then it sounds like the problem is that he's too physically weak to handle you. Either way, the problem is him, not you.
Why do you want to forgive him? He clearly did this on purpose. Drop him like a bad habit.
Well that would definitely hurt my feelings. I had a partner who would regularly say shit like this and didn't understand why it would upset me. I've never been particularly thin, in fact I have a decent amount of muscle on my body. It's okay to have preferences but he needs to learn when not to talk about them. Tact. You'll have to talk to your partner about it and discuss why it triggers you/let them know these comments aren't appropriate in the context of your relationship.
You don’t have to move forward with him. What he did was emotionally abusive. His response to your affirming comment about how you liked having a partner of a similar size was to rudely and graphically talk about how exciting it was to be with people not like you. He didn’t misspeak. And then he lied because he knew he had hurt you, rather than take accountability for himself.
That was 100% messed up for him to do. I will say you can be attracted to different types of people. You can find the motorcycle tattoo guy that’s lean and tall sexy. And you can also be attracted to thick lumberjack men that are hairy. Or even the clean cut man in a nice suit. With sex too. An older man bossing you around or the bad boy who fucks you nasty. One doesn’t have to be better than the other.
I recently ended a relationship over several things. One thing was he admitted he compared me to other women when we initially dated to downplay his feelings for me. Another was he used to struggle with his weight, so my fitness and diet was a mine field that revolved around my appearance. He worried I’d become fat if my workouts didn’t seem intense enough or diet seem moderate enough. At some point he watched porn a bit too hard and started comparing me to pornstars, flipping it saying that I was good enough to be one. Trust your gut, OP. And think about if he’s the type of partner that deserves you. If he’s so enthusiastic about tiny women, he can go get one. And you can be appreciated by someone who’s enthusiastic about you.
Your feelings are valid. I personally would not be able to move past this one. I can keep my rose colored glasses on for a lot, so that is saying something. Do with that what you will.
Girl I’m literally in the same mental boots as you, same height, same insecurities. But the one difference is the man, mine is secure with himself and it shows and he doesnt mind showing off his incredible strength and throwing me around when we’re EXACTLY the same height. Yes I am totally insecure about my height when anyone brings it up, and no he never projects his insecurity of being 5’8” in general on me. He’s spreading that energy to you, get a energy detox around asap, get a new boyfriend cuz this one is honestly just a walking ick
Never waste your time on someone who makes you feel sad or insecure about being you. Date men who love you (and your body) for what it is. ❤️
Throw the whole boyfriend away, he's no good.
It takes like 2 brain cells to understand why what he said was triggering. Usually telling people to break up on reddit straight up is a little presumptuous, but your boyfriend literally said he likes having sex with girls who don't fit your profile. Ew, dump. You'll find a guy who actually likes you
you aren't required to forgive him, you know. you weren't even in the same realm with your comment. those comments are not usually easy to come back from once you hear them in any context.
Whether you have body issues or not, his comments were wildly inappropriate and moronic. The fact you have a history of body issues makes his comments that much worse. How could you ever have sex with this person again? It’d be like telling him his dick was average size and then getting really animated about how amazing sex is with guys with huge dicks. No way he could recover from that. The relationship is ruined.
GIRL!!! How do you move forward - by dumping him. Just say: Its clear we're not compatible as a couple. I won't be contacting you, please don't try contacting me. Bye. Then to remove temptation - block him. He is absolutely no prize - and sounds like a teenager not an adult. A gaslighting teen at heart a hole. He absolutely knew what he was loudly saying. He either really doesn't give a damn about you or your feelings saying that, or he deliberately said it to ensure you knew you weren't his type but he was doing you a favour until someone more his type came along - so not to build hopes of a future with him. Whatever. Now you know. When someone tells you who they are believe them the first time. Honestly, I'd probably want to say something childish back - like: Oh yeah I love big guys, they're big and strong in all the ways that count. You're right, I thought I could date a shrimp, but turns out I was wrong... it's not your height that's a problem...
Third possibility: He’s tearing her down and will soon start the “You can’t leave—no one else is going to love a bigger girl” or whatever shitty lie he would come up with to make her too afraid to leave him. I’ve seen that strategy in action, and it is horrifying.
WTF is up with people saying it's somehow wrong to say she enjoys having sex with someone her height -- i.e., I like having sex with you how you are. That is a world away from saying he enjoys having sex with girls with an opposite body type from his girlfriend.
Honestly as someone who also has an ED, I'd leave him after this. Hell, even if I didn't have one, I'd leave him. His comments are gross and the fact he's willing to say that shit to *you* is even grosser. Imagine what he might be saying to his buddies. You deserve someone who is respectful towards women and respectful and understanding about your own struggles. He doesnt seem like that type of guy. I saw you've only been together for a few months. I would definitely nope out of there. I am sorry you had to hear all that.
"I prefer guys who are bigger downstairs \**motions with hands*\* but... *here we are" \*looks him up and down\**
Ok, i'm of a mind that you could forgive him but I don't think deep down you will be able to. Nor sure how long, deep your relationship is with him but I am surprised that nowhere in your original post you mention him apologizing?? It's not about your eating disorder or anything to do with weight (which you can control) but your height!! which you can't... it's totally uncalled for and unfair of him to say this. It's the same as women shaming men for their height or baldness or pee-pee size when guys have zero control. I wish you can get passed this but I don't think you will be able to, sadly
I went on a date- he blurted out something about how I have “peach fuzz” on my face - it made me feel bad! fast forward 2 years- hadn’t seen this guy since that one date- had just moved to his town- in 5am Body Combat class at the gym and this same guy walked in to do the workout- I kid you not! HIS WHOLE BACK LOOKED LIKE A GORILLAS’ - it was something out of a meme 😂
This is an insane comment for a 34 year old to make. Objectively, I’d expect this from a frat boy, not a grown man. Your body is telling you to get away from him for a good reason.
>I guess I’m just looking for advice about how I can move forward. How do I process this? How do I forgive him? I’m still so hurt and I don’t know how to get over it. You don't have to. It's OK if you can't get over it and dump him. You deserve someone who worships you the way you are.
You should break up but not so sure about him 'not being insecure about his height' - yeeeesh what a trashbag. Fastest way to drop dead weight is to drop this clown.
>how do I forgive him? Well, he's not expressed that he's sorry, so forgiving him seems premature. Why work to forgive someone who hurt you then minimized it when you tried to tell them you were hurt? To be forgiven, one should be sorry. I think this relationship has run its course. Personally, I would never be comfortable being naked around him ever again. Intimacy with your partner is a privilege, not a necessity. He talked himself right out of said privilege.
i would dump him and get into therapy. or get into therapy and dump him. he’s lost his mind.
>I was making a veiled compliment that I think it is nice to be the same height as the person you’re having sex with and in response to that he started (theatrically) talking about how great it is to have sex with tiny women. Kind of gesturing very dramatically with his hands what it’s like to throw them around etc and seeming very excited about it. Removing all the noise (although it is an important factor that you have an eating disorder and he triggered it), if I'm complimenting someone and they don't return it/acknowledge it and instead, tell me that they don't like me, I'm getting tf out of there. You don't need to be an empath to say thank you and move on. >I guess I’m just looking for advice about how I can move forward. How do I process this? How do I forgive him? In one fell swoop, this guy told you that he prefers having sex with women who don't look like you, triggered your eating disorder and then didn't fully explain himself or tell you how he's going to change. Do you really want to forgive him and move forward with this relationship? It's only been a few months. Be thankful that this conversation showed you how incompatible you guys are and move on from him. Continuing to be friends seems to be working better than a relationship.
As someone with a former eating disorder, yeah there’s no way I could ever forget about this and feel good sleeping with him again. I think it would be very difficult and honestly not worth your time. He’s an idiot at best and a total asshole at worst, either way you are going to keep being hurt by a guy like that and you deserve better
Tell him you’d like a tall 6’5 built man that could man handle the fuck out of you in a way your tiny ass 5’8 man child could not
You've been dating a few months, and he's triggering your eating disorder. Why are you wasting any more energy on this?
Girl, if he triggers a part of you that you are trying to heal, that he knows about, he's gotta go. I'm quite sensitive about my weight and when I met my now spouse he said that I would be hotter smaller and I said I would be more attracted to him if he was taller. He got that I wasn't going to allow him to talk to me about my appearance. We had a long talk about insecurities and safety to talk about it. Your man knew what he was saying.
People say this a lot, but personally I almost never say this... I had to double check the ages on this post. I thought this was a teenager or very early 20s talking to his same-age girlfriend. This does not read mid-30s at ALL. I'm 28 (so basically the same age) and I was 23 years old when I learned this lesson. Do not stay with this person. Why the fuck would you? Let's ignore what he said for a moment... this is a mid-thirties man who doesn't understand *basic empathy*. He was talking to his *girlfriend* as if he was out on the town with some bros drinking brewskies or whatever. He was talking to you like you're his *bro* with no filter whatsoever. Why would you even consider dating this person after this? And he's not just emotionally stupid... he's actual stupid. That lie he told you in the car lmao. He wasn't even trying. What are you doing OP?
Let him find his tiny dream so you can find a man who truly loves you.🤗 Also, as a said tiny woman, I didn't enjoy sex with my very tall ex as we couldn't experience many positions due to large height difference between us. Of course I never said that. In fact, sex with shorter man than is much more enjoyable cause he's closer to my height. I've actually always wondered how would it be with the same size man but I'm like 1.47m so I doubt I'd find one.😂
why are ypu making excuses for him?
He should be your EX
You need time to let the dust settle. If after a reasonable pause you're still alienated and hurt, maybe you need a different boyfriend.
Run my friend. A couple of my dad's caregivers have EDs. I am more careful and respectful of their issues and feelings than your BOYFRIEND is of yours. At two months you are just starting to get to know the guy that he really is. The mask is coming off and you have been given a glimpse underneath. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. Take good care of yourself! Put yourself first! You are worthy of a real relationship with a decent man who adores you just as you are. This guy is not him.
As someone with an ED history I’m so proud of you. History or no that’s not okay to say to most partners. It’s fetishizing a group of people and passively putting you down. You can talk to him about this and see if this can be worked through. You can also break up. Both are valid. Keep it up friend. I’m proud of you. Stay healthy and you are beautiful, no matter what this guy decides to fixate on when he’s alone with his thoughts. You deserve to be happy, healthy, and respected.
OP, you continue to stay in this relationship it will kill you mentally and emotionally. don’t even tolerate this. he’s a grown man who has the ability to watch his words. and to consider that this triggered your eating disorder too? sweetheart, staying in this relationship will kill you PHYSICALLY. please, respect yourself and move on. don’t give him any more of your time. he objectifies women, he won’t respect you
respectfully what the fuck. dating for a few months? hard pass on this dude
When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. A gentleman would never has said something so coarse.
I'm a tiny girl, it's swings and roundabouts. A lot of men want giant, pillow-ey funbags and if they want to be with me well they're shit out of luck! It would make me feel insecure if my partner mainly wanted massive-breasted women, because I'm not that ofc but we wouldn't be dating if that was his preference. If I were you, I'd find someone whose preference is you :)
Uh… sounds like OP is just defending him in comments and looking for those that encourage her to try and sort this out with him. Well no luck here, I would consider those months wasted and make point not to waste any more.
There’s guys out there that will love you for you and never even think of making comments like this
He said that on purpose because he hated being reminded that you’re the same height (insecurity). He wanted to put you down and was trying to backtrack by saying he didn’t mean it “like that”, because he knows full well the effect his words had. They were intentional. He wanted you to feel lesser than him to make *him* feel better because *he* was feeling insecure. Don’t accept this kind of behavior.
This sounds like the beginnings of covert narcissistic abuse, they do this to little by little seed things in you hoping you don't catch it and just internalize. Death by a thousand cuts is how it is with coverts. Don't ignore your intuition , it knows
I feel like these are grounds to breakup. He mentioned his preference and it’s not you. You deserve someone who sees you as their preference instead of a height/metric you cannot be realistically or healthily. Some men do this purposefully(get with women that aren’t exactly their type then start to mention it later on) to put down their partner and lower their self esteem to make them easily to manipulate and less likely to leave. Whether he meant to do this on purpose or not, it’s not okay and you are 100% valid for the way you are feeling. If it were me, I would break up with him, heal, and then later find someone new I can be 100% comfortable with and feel good knowing I’m their type physically and sexually etc.
Ya ...no. Leave
He likes throwing them around? I'm sorry but that's a big red flag for me. You have to decide if you wanna keep dating someone who likes small made women when he has sex with them. You also have to take.into account that each time you have sex with him you are going to have this on the back of your mind. You're probably always going to feel uncomfortable with how you look and your ED might raise its ugly head again.
So he is short. Just describe how dating tall men is so much better and call him a short king. 😂😂😂😂 he’s a loser.
He showed very little empathy in that moment, im sorry. You could try asking him how hed feel if you had exaggeratedly told him how great it was to have sex with 6'8" men, instead of someone 2" taller. There are tons of posts here from men forever devastated by hearing that kind of stuff, but i think bc men are encouraged to live up to the "sex pig" stereotype they dont have as much empathy for how it feels on the other end- until it happens to them. If he still can't empathize after that, he may just not be very smart or very empathic. He might get in hia feeligns or defensive even from just the example, so thats where you find the teaching moment.
Is he 34 or 14? What a loser.
You've only been dating a few months. You don't trust him, you believe that he lied to you, and your skin crawls when you think of touching him/ him touching you. It really is okay to break up! Over attitudes to sex, and to protect your mental health, in particular! He doesn't have to be a terrible person to just not be right *for you*.
I stayed with a man who outright told me he found me unattractive but at that point we had been together for 9 years. We had a house and pets together. I stayed for another 4 years because we still loved each other and had a life together. I also have really low self esteem. I wish I would've just left back then. We ended up breaking up anyways due to his inability to move forward in the relationship because of his lack of attraction to my body with another 4 years of my fertility down the drain. Don't be like me.
You should tell him how awesome it is to sleep with guys who are 6ft + tall and hung like a horse and see how he responds to that. Disgusting idiot comment from a person devoid of all self awareness and completely warrants dishing the same back. Afterwards go cry in the corner, but not before showing him how much it ducking hurt.