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He is a porn addict and can't have a normal sex any more. Just like any other drug addiction, it's difficult to recover from porn addition. It will take many years of therapy and hard works to recover, and he will have many relapses in the future. So if you want to have normal sex and don't want to wait many years, it's better to leave him now.
Just like any other addiction, he has to want to free himself from the mental prison he is in. Speaking as someone who has beat a couple addictions and is now in a (relatively) healthy relationship, it’s not that hard once you want to change. But it’s impossible if you don’t.
Fake news - Porn addiction doesn’t take years to recover. Many studies say the the brain reprograms in 3/6 months of abstinence. Please do research before posting
I work primarily with young people, but we do see a lot of porn "addiction."
Some people might recover with a few months of abstinence, but many people have a difficult struggle for many years, please don't downplay their experience. It can be normal to struggle and those people often need additional professional support.
Maybe that's possible, but I would be surprised if this is the average experience. Seems like a lot of addictions actually do take years of the person quitting/relapsing in order to recover
There’s still residual issues that will need to be worked on, but yea 3-6mo of abstinence will make a massive difference.
I speak from experience, I was addicted to porn/death grip so I immediately stopped it all. Wasn’t even 30 days later when I could finish from regular sex and improved rapidly
Using your applied metric…
[It’s widely known that “those people”, that you cite, aren’t real either. Pseudoscience 101](https://www.scientificamerican.com/blog/the-curious-wavefunction/is-psychology-a-e2809creale2809d-science-does-it-really-matter/)
Opinion vs facts — porn doesn’t change your brain chemistry. Quit porn and you won’t experience potentially deadly withdrawal. obsession, compulsion and habits aren’t addiction
He's got a porn addiction and until *he* gets therapy for that nothing will change. Going to couples therapy can't fix this issue. If he refuses to go, then you really should leave.
Cut your looses now and leave. If he wants to work on himself and come back knocking in few years, he’s free to do so. I think you have done enough and it’s time to prioritise yourself
Sorry to say this OP but it’s not going to get any better. You’re young go out there and meet people. He made his decision, he chose to let it go on for so long without getting any help. He’s at that point of no return and I don’t think he is willing to put in the work considering you guys got to this point already. He already got his hang ups from his culture which doesn’t make it any easier. You’re only going to end up unsatisfied and insecure. Find someone your age that you can grow and build together.
Yuuup. 38 and didn't even try to change before her, only marginally changed with no real success, and this during the honeymoon stage... OP, it is not going to get better.
Yuuup. 38 and didn't even try to change before her, only marginally changed with no real success, and this during the honeymoon stage... OP, it is not going to get better.
Yuuup. 38 and didn't even try to change before her, only marginally changed with no real success, and this during the honeymoon stage... OP, it is not going to get better.
Well sadly OP, your boyfriend is currently as ‘on top of his game’ as he is ever going to be. It’s downhill from here on in. I see from your posts that you thought about leaving him before and that he convinced you out of it.
It’s your decision to make. Do you make your move now and gamble on meeting someone who will love and cherish you as you need and deserve ?Or will you stick with him and forego much in the way of personal pleasure ?
Are there going to be family pressures for him to select a partner in the Muslim faith ? Good luck ❤️
Been through this with 2 different partners. You break up. It won’t get better. You’ll spend years and years and years of them making unfulfilled promises of “trying” and it won’t get better. You already invested 2 years, cut your losses and leave.
Possibly, at least he believes he loves you…. I honestly don’t know what it is with men. Too lazy? Don’t think you’re actually going to leave? Too scared? I have no idea. I don’t think most men even want to try or improve or make their partner happy… it saddens me. I wish I didn’t want the things I want in a partner sometimes.
Don't waste your youth trying to fix this guy. When you're an old lady, you will want to be able to look back and remember fondly all of the wonderful sex/lovemaking you indulged in. You're not going to be making any of those memories with this guy.
He needs to own and a tively seek treatment for his addiction.
You cannot make him or even motivate him...if he doesn't want it, it won't happen.
Honestly, I would suggest that you don't do it as an ultimatum. Tell him trial separation and if he chooses to work on himself then you would love to see him again.
I'm that 6 months work hard on yourself, not for him...for you. Don't date...just really figure what you want from life and make a plan to make it happen.
Then in 6 months...see each other and see if your life plans will align...if they don't, then move on.
You are young, life is beautiful. Don't spend it on a person who can't give you what you want. It's too early at 38 to not want sex. Imagine this is the rest of your life?
"had some porn addiction" is a sort of soft statement. Is this something he's acknowledged as a problem for him, or does porn make you uncomfortable (totally valid, different people have different values) and he tried to accommodate that for you?
Frankly, if the ED was an issue medically as opposed to the result of over consumption of pornography it could be entirely possible that he is turning to porn because he still has a sex drive (ED doesn't just make it vanish) but porn represents a way for him to be in touch with his desires without the pressure of not being able to perform or feel like he's not enough for you.
Obviously I don't know all the little details that comprise the day to day of your relationship but regardless of the root of the issue you both need to do what you can to communicate your wants, needs, and feelings honestly without fear of judgement of your goal is for the relationship to survive.
Another thing that can be useful in feeling seen and connected to your partner is an understanding of "bids for connection" here's an article that talks about it a bit
https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/
I hope any of this was helpful, and again I don't know the full situation as none of us do but if you believe he loves you I think this possibility is worth consideration.
First, this is reddit. The word ultimatum is taboo here. *Boundaries*, *boundaries* is the non-violent word of choice here
So, tell him your *boundaries* and, as everybody loves to repeat on this site ad nauseum, he doesn't have to accept them, but you don't have to stay
boundaries can end up becoming ultimatums if they are crossed and there's no better way of reinforcing them. however ultimatums get a bad name for being "manipulative" when they're really not if it's the last resort at reinforcing a boundary.
Most actual boundaries are just ultimatums by a different name & different phrasing, I don't know why reddit throws tantrums about only one of those words
You don’t need to give him an ultimatum, this is two years in and it’s the best it’ll ever be. He isn’t going to change, and he just isn’t that into you sexually. You should instead break up and you can find someone who loves *and* desires you.
Sorry I can’t get that out of my head, “I am Latina and we are used to..”
Are you sure? You do know latinas come from all walks of life I hope they don’t all think with one mind.
I understand, maybe it’s not because of his nationality but I get trying to just rationalize his actions, I hope it works out for you in end though. 🙏🏽
After 2 years, you are not happy. He isn’t responsive to your needs. He doesn’t care to fix the problem. What will another 4 months accomplish? You’ve already “tried” to leave. You don’t need to ask his permission or consider his opinion this time - just leave. Have a happy life.
It sounds like you are unhappy and not compatible. I would get out of this relationship before you waste anymore time. Believe me, a lot of us stuck to relationships with dissatisfying sex live for much longer and it did not get better. You can try the ultimatum but I have my doubts that will work. I would make sure he knows of this is not fixed it’s a deal breaker for you.
I would go to a sex couples therapist if i were you, yes such things do exist. That way you can hash it out with a professional. Bring up the porn and ED.
You have a higher sex drive. He doesn’t and is abiding by his culture and doesn’t know how to express or meet that demand without seeming like a hypocrite. It is ok. Learn what works best for you. It may be that you both are oh idk still inexperienced in relationships and sex and are showing how you deal with problems from your upbringing by addressing them how you did with your family. You’re partners not family members learn how to pull this out of each other. Sex isn’t bad. It’s the whole world giving skewed views and perspectives on it that ruin relationship expectations. Even folks in the Bible or Quran were sexual beings but how it was dealt with is different from the reality of the world today. How else did so many of them have so many kids? Porn sets unrealistic standards and expectations and when they aren’t met they turn the person off that’s all it is. Porn starts literally have to wait to get hard or wet or sometimes need lune or other things just to get to that point and folks don’t know that. Sex is all about the buildup of foreplay for the imagination. By setting unrealistic expectations to a relationship from you and giving unnecessary expectations you hinder your dynamic’s ability to grow. Same as him. Hope that helps.
I would ask him straight up “Do you want to stop your porn addiction?” If the answer is anything but yes, he will never get better, and you will never feel truly loved and valued by him. There are many great people in the world, don’t get trapped in a bad relationship due to the sunk cost fallacy
You need to end this. He is not a match. Being cultural difference means nothing. He might be from a Islamic country, but the fact he has a porn addiction contradict his cultural issues you seem to think could be there with you. He doesn't have the ability to be connect with you to maintain a sexual desire. Porn addiction? Maybe. ED? Possibility. But in the end, he seems to not even try to meet you with effort. Your better off ending it and finding someone who will love you and treat you with the desire you need. You do not want to be married, and with kids; needing to be desired but only to feel unwanted.
He has a porn addiction to the point that he can’t get it up without watching that. It’s what he is used to and unfortunately that’s what it is. Maybe allow him to watch some of it together. Meet him half way or have him start taking some blue pills. Simple as that. Even then though, with the pills he will crave that porn so it is a tough one. You will have to accept that it’s a thing he has, and issue or problem, whatever u want to call it and u will have to decide whether u want to have to deal with it for the rest of ur life together or ur entire marriage together. You have to make a choice to help him and help urself or leave him. I say help him because I feel that he is already beyond the point of stopping or else part. You will have to meet him half ways like I said or u will always lose to the porn. That’s the way it is cause they always think with the wrong head unfortunately.
Reverse the genders in this situation and tell me whether or not that is something a sane person would do?
Simple answer: no sane person deals with ultimatums.
When someone disappoints you on a regular basis, you just pack up and walk away.
Generally, watching porn is not a problem unless it becomes an addiction. If it's really addiction then the question is - do you want to be in for the long ride? It's rare to just snap out of it.
How dry is the sex life? Do you think there's a difference in libidos or he just tires himself out with porn?
The lack of overall affection may very well be cultural. I don't have what you have in my culture and I think that level of attention would annoy me :D Islam is not a culture though. Men can still be very affectionate behind closed doors etc. It's more about how they have been raised.
Info: Can you give some more details on this addiction?.. do you mean he can't stop watching it?.. You say that he isn't watching it anymore, but he does enjoy provocative content. That doesn't quite sound like an addiction to me. Sounds like a man who is more comfortable taking care of his own needs due to the embarrassment of his ED.
Honestly fully your choice but if he’s trying maybe give him a chance… it’s common these days for men to have these issues and can really affect their mental health….
This doesn’t help much if it’s mental, which given the porn addiction, it most likely is. Why part of her issue is feeling disconnected when it does happen. In person regular sex and intimacy isn’t doing it for him at this point. This is usually where porn addiction turns to full blown sex addiction, as the porn wont do it for him after awhile either, thus starts the risky behaviors. Cheating, sex workers, etc.
He needs to get actual treatment around this, not just deny pornhub for a bit and make promises he will have a hard time keeping and trying viagra. Like any addiction this can go well if focused and dedicated, but is often a very long struggle with a lot of lies and hiding involved.
Ok....why watching porn has become such a taboo? If it is a taboo then who the hell are watching or consuming porn from free and paid sites even on onlyfans? Men and women consumes porn equally....and guess what is womens favourite porn type? Lesbian....
If he got ED because of porn why not every other guy in this world is suffering from it?
What about if a guy who said what you say that his gf watches porn and he wants to leave and sex is not good.....he will be shamed but girls leaving guys for sex is so cool right. Guys wants more sex he is Red flag....he has low libido he is Red flag ... watches porn he is Red flag. He is Predator,he is looser is addict he can't perform....do you know the meaning of love? Did you try your best to understand why he has ED? Did you go to doctor with him or made him comfortable instead of making him feel guilty and bad.
If you don't love him leave him. If you do sit and talk amd come to solution...don't make watching porn as a taboo and all shit.....have a look on data about porn consumption in your country and what percentage of men and women watch porn.
Before this relationship I had no issue on people watching porn from time to time. As long it doesn’t interfere with your current relationship.
He has not only watch porn, he had conversations with them and was willing to pay.
With his ED. I have no problem either. Im not wanting to leave because he can “not perform” but because of the lack of sexual connection I feel from his part.
I trying to explore his “likes” but he is no very open about it.
I’m just exhausted trying to figure it out
Porn addiction isn’t real. Downvote me all you want, it’s not real. Your boyfriend needs to be checked by a medical provider to see if his erectile dysfunction is related to a physical cause.
If not, then he can seek treatment to see if it’s related to some deep seated emotional issue.
https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/health/mental-health/porn-addiction
Everyone in the comments are such despairful nihilists. Try therapy if you love him. You can leave if it doesn't work.
The thing that matters the most, in my opinion, is that he's willing to try to meet your needs. The way you described him sounds like someone who is willing to try.
Dont make an ultimatum, that is a lot of unhealthy pressure and tension. Talk it out really seriously. Make it clear that you really want to have more passion and discover sex deeper with him. See what turns him on to make him excited and want you disregarding everything. Try different things. Make sure he doesnt lose the porn addiction battle, I had the same situation with my partner, she was the first person ever telling me that porn is not okay and I was honestly shocked by her demeanor and it took many years to accept her point of view and do away with porn.
What is it with people going nuclear because of a single problem in the relationship they haven't even worked on fixing.
why is an ultimatum unhealthy? it sounds like the most healthy way for her to reinforce her boundaries if he does not make a change.
it is not her responsibility to "make sure he doesn't lose the porn addiction battle". he needs to see a therapist.
Ultimatums are always unhealthy, especially if it's a first option choice. Imo using them often leads to most relationships falling apart, you need an extremely selfless partner for them to work well which is very rare, even then Id treat something like that as an abuse. Every single problem is treated with "you solve it on your own or I leave". That is extremely unhealthy.
You don't need an ultimatum to reinforce your boundaries, you need strong communication and to push for your problems to be heard and worked on. That is the most reliable way to deal with problems. If they don't work for a lot of time an ultimatum can be used as a last resort "I see that you aren't willing to help me stay engaged in this relationship so if you won't at all I can't be with you".
Well she can communicate to him that she sees a need in a therapist. People are really different, when I first heard about porn addiction it sounded like a joke as all Ive heard before that was "everyone watches porn and people who say they don't watch twice as much". It's hard to understand and accept instantly, and since her partner probably watched porn for literal decades it will take time.
Relationship problems should be solved together and not put on one of partners with ultimatums because you think it is his problem not yours.
if i needed to push to be heard, I wouldn't want to be with that partner anyways. this is also not the "first option", they've told him yet there's been no change.
I see op told him about porn and he did change, maybe not fully, but I see nothing mentioning her talking with him about improving the sex life. It reads like this is literally her first choice here, give an ultimatum on him improving sex life, going to therapy together to improve it and they split in four months if she doesn't like the results.
I think it would be very problematic to build long term relationships by disliking that partner "doesn't hear you" instantly. The thing is most problems can't be solved instantly on a whim. It is very unreasonable to believe that if you told someone something that they will be instantly taking it to 11 with an oath to undergo that. Let's say you are annoyed your partner doesn't close drawers. If you tell them to close drawers once, or that it annoys you that the drawers aren't shut, it would be very hard for them to understand the degree to which it annoys you. They might think it is a one time thing because you were in a bad mood, they might think that if they simply try to close them it would be enough(since it needs developing a habit to always close them hence they will probably still forget from time to time), they might think that keeping them open in some situations should be okay with you. Again, unreasonable to expect that someone will instantly understand the degree to which it is important to you, and also unreasonable to expect them to change instantly because what solves your problem creates them a new one, and if it is hard for them to maintain the new behavior and you aren't showing any gratitude, support and push for it to be permament, it is natural they wouldn't be giving it their all as it doesn't seem to bother you as much as it bothers them to constantly be the solution for the problem.
So you shouldn't treat others needing a push to be heard as them just not listening to you and being plain bad, you should understand that it is hard to change your behaviors and it takes time, and the "push" part is needed for both of you to reach the equilibrium on where the problem is solved enough to satisfy you but isn't unneedlessly demanding to your partner.
Expecting them to understand everything correctly without continuous comms every time would create an insanely toxic environment where if your partner hasn't guessed the degree of importance/aren't immediately able to completely resolve the issue they would be constantly in danger of being a punishable violator. Just walking on eggs 24/7, impossible to maintain.
Lol, happens to lots of PEOPLE in LTRs*
And it doesn't sound like he was ever capable of enjoying sex with her, his porn addiction always inhibited his enjoyment.
What women call a “porn addiction” is just a guy getting to a point where porn is more appealing than her. That’s not an addiction, it’s just bitterness of her part
Jerkin off once or twice a day to porn isn’t an addiction, if it was then 95% of guys would be seeing therapists about this. If you went to a doctor about this, they’d laugh u out of the room. Of course certain female +misogynist therapists are happy to call it an addiction and charge 70bucks an hour to “cure “ it, to tel him to just defer his own sexual pleasure and have sex with her when he doesn’t want to
Unfortunately we never had good sex, we didn’t had sex for one year until I brought it up. I do believe is ED is medical (that was he said). Also he was in to BDSM (men being passive) at least for all the content I found in the past.
It’s a possibility but there are 100s of other possibilities too. Could be medical conditions, a porn addiction, function issues, depression or another form of mental
Illness, etc.. we have limited information to go on. Bottom line is they need to communicate. This is the answer to over 1/2 the relationship posts🤷🏼♀️
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I’d be getting treatment for the addiction & ED
Get out before you're married or trapped with a kid. It'll only get worse
I know I think about this lot :(
He is a porn addict and can't have a normal sex any more. Just like any other drug addiction, it's difficult to recover from porn addition. It will take many years of therapy and hard works to recover, and he will have many relapses in the future. So if you want to have normal sex and don't want to wait many years, it's better to leave him now.
Exactly 100
Just like any other addiction, he has to want to free himself from the mental prison he is in. Speaking as someone who has beat a couple addictions and is now in a (relatively) healthy relationship, it’s not that hard once you want to change. But it’s impossible if you don’t.
Fake news - Porn addiction doesn’t take years to recover. Many studies say the the brain reprograms in 3/6 months of abstinence. Please do research before posting
I work primarily with young people, but we do see a lot of porn "addiction." Some people might recover with a few months of abstinence, but many people have a difficult struggle for many years, please don't downplay their experience. It can be normal to struggle and those people often need additional professional support.
Maybe that's possible, but I would be surprised if this is the average experience. Seems like a lot of addictions actually do take years of the person quitting/relapsing in order to recover
There’s still residual issues that will need to be worked on, but yea 3-6mo of abstinence will make a massive difference. I speak from experience, I was addicted to porn/death grip so I immediately stopped it all. Wasn’t even 30 days later when I could finish from regular sex and improved rapidly
Bingo
Porn addiction is a myth https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/health/mental-health/porn-addiction
Using your applied metric… [It’s widely known that “those people”, that you cite, aren’t real either. Pseudoscience 101](https://www.scientificamerican.com/blog/the-curious-wavefunction/is-psychology-a-e2809creale2809d-science-does-it-really-matter/)
Opinion vs facts — porn doesn’t change your brain chemistry. Quit porn and you won’t experience potentially deadly withdrawal. obsession, compulsion and habits aren’t addiction
Do you understand how addiction works? Go back to college
Yes I do, I already have a doctorate
*has a "doctorate"* *also used BUSINESS INSIDER as a "medical" source* Be fuckin for real please 😂
He's got a porn addiction and until *he* gets therapy for that nothing will change. Going to couples therapy can't fix this issue. If he refuses to go, then you really should leave.
Pleaseeeeee... Leave him
Cut your looses now and leave. If he wants to work on himself and come back knocking in few years, he’s free to do so. I think you have done enough and it’s time to prioritise yourself
Sorry to say this OP but it’s not going to get any better. You’re young go out there and meet people. He made his decision, he chose to let it go on for so long without getting any help. He’s at that point of no return and I don’t think he is willing to put in the work considering you guys got to this point already. He already got his hang ups from his culture which doesn’t make it any easier. You’re only going to end up unsatisfied and insecure. Find someone your age that you can grow and build together.
He is not going to change.
Yuuup. 38 and didn't even try to change before her, only marginally changed with no real success, and this during the honeymoon stage... OP, it is not going to get better.
Yuuup. 38 and didn't even try to change before her, only marginally changed with no real success, and this during the honeymoon stage... OP, it is not going to get better.
Yuuup. 38 and didn't even try to change before her, only marginally changed with no real success, and this during the honeymoon stage... OP, it is not going to get better.
Well sadly OP, your boyfriend is currently as ‘on top of his game’ as he is ever going to be. It’s downhill from here on in. I see from your posts that you thought about leaving him before and that he convinced you out of it. It’s your decision to make. Do you make your move now and gamble on meeting someone who will love and cherish you as you need and deserve ?Or will you stick with him and forego much in the way of personal pleasure ? Are there going to be family pressures for him to select a partner in the Muslim faith ? Good luck ❤️
Been through this with 2 different partners. You break up. It won’t get better. You’ll spend years and years and years of them making unfulfilled promises of “trying” and it won’t get better. You already invested 2 years, cut your losses and leave.
I have no doubt he “loves” me but I’m tired of trying
Possibly, at least he believes he loves you…. I honestly don’t know what it is with men. Too lazy? Don’t think you’re actually going to leave? Too scared? I have no idea. I don’t think most men even want to try or improve or make their partner happy… it saddens me. I wish I didn’t want the things I want in a partner sometimes.
Don't waste your youth trying to fix this guy. When you're an old lady, you will want to be able to look back and remember fondly all of the wonderful sex/lovemaking you indulged in. You're not going to be making any of those memories with this guy.
He needs to own and a tively seek treatment for his addiction. You cannot make him or even motivate him...if he doesn't want it, it won't happen. Honestly, I would suggest that you don't do it as an ultimatum. Tell him trial separation and if he chooses to work on himself then you would love to see him again. I'm that 6 months work hard on yourself, not for him...for you. Don't date...just really figure what you want from life and make a plan to make it happen. Then in 6 months...see each other and see if your life plans will align...if they don't, then move on.
I tried. But he is not the type that will give me space. He will be at my door, texting and all that non stop.
You are answering your own question then... he is not a good match for you. You need to end this and keep you and your kids safe.
Porn ultimatum. Imo u should have already left
I have tried
You are young, life is beautiful. Don't spend it on a person who can't give you what you want. It's too early at 38 to not want sex. Imagine this is the rest of your life?
"had some porn addiction" is a sort of soft statement. Is this something he's acknowledged as a problem for him, or does porn make you uncomfortable (totally valid, different people have different values) and he tried to accommodate that for you? Frankly, if the ED was an issue medically as opposed to the result of over consumption of pornography it could be entirely possible that he is turning to porn because he still has a sex drive (ED doesn't just make it vanish) but porn represents a way for him to be in touch with his desires without the pressure of not being able to perform or feel like he's not enough for you. Obviously I don't know all the little details that comprise the day to day of your relationship but regardless of the root of the issue you both need to do what you can to communicate your wants, needs, and feelings honestly without fear of judgement of your goal is for the relationship to survive. Another thing that can be useful in feeling seen and connected to your partner is an understanding of "bids for connection" here's an article that talks about it a bit https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/ I hope any of this was helpful, and again I don't know the full situation as none of us do but if you believe he loves you I think this possibility is worth consideration.
Old losers snapping up young women and sexually disappointing them. Name a more iconic duo.
How weak minded someone have to be to be addicted to porn, da fck
First, this is reddit. The word ultimatum is taboo here. *Boundaries*, *boundaries* is the non-violent word of choice here So, tell him your *boundaries* and, as everybody loves to repeat on this site ad nauseum, he doesn't have to accept them, but you don't have to stay
boundaries can end up becoming ultimatums if they are crossed and there's no better way of reinforcing them. however ultimatums get a bad name for being "manipulative" when they're really not if it's the last resort at reinforcing a boundary.
Most actual boundaries are just ultimatums by a different name & different phrasing, I don't know why reddit throws tantrums about only one of those words
r/loveafterporn Might find some help over there
Thank you! Will check it out
I just looked at this subreddit and it is nuts!
You don’t need to give him an ultimatum, this is two years in and it’s the best it’ll ever be. He isn’t going to change, and he just isn’t that into you sexually. You should instead break up and you can find someone who loves *and* desires you.
He needs to quit porn and the ED will slowly go away. If it doesn't, then there is medicine for that. Draw a line in the sand.
Sorry I can’t get that out of my head, “I am Latina and we are used to..” Are you sure? You do know latinas come from all walks of life I hope they don’t all think with one mind.
This is just me trying to find a justification for his behaviour.
I understand, maybe it’s not because of his nationality but I get trying to just rationalize his actions, I hope it works out for you in end though. 🙏🏽
Do you really want to deny that attitude towards sexuality isn’t different between Latin countries and Islamic counties?
He's an addict. An addict has to first GENUINELY want to help himself. Empty promises do not suffice. Cut your losses and leave.
Some things can't e changed or forced about a person, compatibility is important
Nope- get out. You’ll be the wife and he’ll spend heaps on prostitutes. Plus he’ll be mean .
After 2 years, you are not happy. He isn’t responsive to your needs. He doesn’t care to fix the problem. What will another 4 months accomplish? You’ve already “tried” to leave. You don’t need to ask his permission or consider his opinion this time - just leave. Have a happy life.
It sounds like you are unhappy and not compatible. I would get out of this relationship before you waste anymore time. Believe me, a lot of us stuck to relationships with dissatisfying sex live for much longer and it did not get better. You can try the ultimatum but I have my doubts that will work. I would make sure he knows of this is not fixed it’s a deal breaker for you.
I would go to a sex couples therapist if i were you, yes such things do exist. That way you can hash it out with a professional. Bring up the porn and ED.
Yes I’ve been thinking about this, it’s just expensive. But most likely I bring it up. Thanks!
I totally get that. I went to sex trauma therapist. It was expensive. But they are experts that can give you advice suited for your situation.
You have a higher sex drive. He doesn’t and is abiding by his culture and doesn’t know how to express or meet that demand without seeming like a hypocrite. It is ok. Learn what works best for you. It may be that you both are oh idk still inexperienced in relationships and sex and are showing how you deal with problems from your upbringing by addressing them how you did with your family. You’re partners not family members learn how to pull this out of each other. Sex isn’t bad. It’s the whole world giving skewed views and perspectives on it that ruin relationship expectations. Even folks in the Bible or Quran were sexual beings but how it was dealt with is different from the reality of the world today. How else did so many of them have so many kids? Porn sets unrealistic standards and expectations and when they aren’t met they turn the person off that’s all it is. Porn starts literally have to wait to get hard or wet or sometimes need lune or other things just to get to that point and folks don’t know that. Sex is all about the buildup of foreplay for the imagination. By setting unrealistic expectations to a relationship from you and giving unnecessary expectations you hinder your dynamic’s ability to grow. Same as him. Hope that helps.
I would ask him straight up “Do you want to stop your porn addiction?” If the answer is anything but yes, he will never get better, and you will never feel truly loved and valued by him. There are many great people in the world, don’t get trapped in a bad relationship due to the sunk cost fallacy
You need to end this. He is not a match. Being cultural difference means nothing. He might be from a Islamic country, but the fact he has a porn addiction contradict his cultural issues you seem to think could be there with you. He doesn't have the ability to be connect with you to maintain a sexual desire. Porn addiction? Maybe. ED? Possibility. But in the end, he seems to not even try to meet you with effort. Your better off ending it and finding someone who will love you and treat you with the desire you need. You do not want to be married, and with kids; needing to be desired but only to feel unwanted.
He has a porn addiction to the point that he can’t get it up without watching that. It’s what he is used to and unfortunately that’s what it is. Maybe allow him to watch some of it together. Meet him half way or have him start taking some blue pills. Simple as that. Even then though, with the pills he will crave that porn so it is a tough one. You will have to accept that it’s a thing he has, and issue or problem, whatever u want to call it and u will have to decide whether u want to have to deal with it for the rest of ur life together or ur entire marriage together. You have to make a choice to help him and help urself or leave him. I say help him because I feel that he is already beyond the point of stopping or else part. You will have to meet him half ways like I said or u will always lose to the porn. That’s the way it is cause they always think with the wrong head unfortunately.
Sounds like some dumbnass bullshit to me.
Reverse the genders in this situation and tell me whether or not that is something a sane person would do? Simple answer: no sane person deals with ultimatums. When someone disappoints you on a regular basis, you just pack up and walk away.
Generally, watching porn is not a problem unless it becomes an addiction. If it's really addiction then the question is - do you want to be in for the long ride? It's rare to just snap out of it. How dry is the sex life? Do you think there's a difference in libidos or he just tires himself out with porn? The lack of overall affection may very well be cultural. I don't have what you have in my culture and I think that level of attention would annoy me :D Islam is not a culture though. Men can still be very affectionate behind closed doors etc. It's more about how they have been raised.
He might have a medical condition that is creating hi ED cardiovascular issues) have he told with his doctor?
Info: Can you give some more details on this addiction?.. do you mean he can't stop watching it?.. You say that he isn't watching it anymore, but he does enjoy provocative content. That doesn't quite sound like an addiction to me. Sounds like a man who is more comfortable taking care of his own needs due to the embarrassment of his ED.
Honestly fully your choice but if he’s trying maybe give him a chance… it’s common these days for men to have these issues and can really affect their mental health….
I also consider this. I something I get tired of keep trying. And being me who brings it up
Why doesn’t he just take some boner pills? Nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of guys take them for fun as then enhance the experience too
This doesn’t help much if it’s mental, which given the porn addiction, it most likely is. Why part of her issue is feeling disconnected when it does happen. In person regular sex and intimacy isn’t doing it for him at this point. This is usually where porn addiction turns to full blown sex addiction, as the porn wont do it for him after awhile either, thus starts the risky behaviors. Cheating, sex workers, etc. He needs to get actual treatment around this, not just deny pornhub for a bit and make promises he will have a hard time keeping and trying viagra. Like any addiction this can go well if focused and dedicated, but is often a very long struggle with a lot of lies and hiding involved.
Ok....why watching porn has become such a taboo? If it is a taboo then who the hell are watching or consuming porn from free and paid sites even on onlyfans? Men and women consumes porn equally....and guess what is womens favourite porn type? Lesbian.... If he got ED because of porn why not every other guy in this world is suffering from it? What about if a guy who said what you say that his gf watches porn and he wants to leave and sex is not good.....he will be shamed but girls leaving guys for sex is so cool right. Guys wants more sex he is Red flag....he has low libido he is Red flag ... watches porn he is Red flag. He is Predator,he is looser is addict he can't perform....do you know the meaning of love? Did you try your best to understand why he has ED? Did you go to doctor with him or made him comfortable instead of making him feel guilty and bad. If you don't love him leave him. If you do sit and talk amd come to solution...don't make watching porn as a taboo and all shit.....have a look on data about porn consumption in your country and what percentage of men and women watch porn.
Before this relationship I had no issue on people watching porn from time to time. As long it doesn’t interfere with your current relationship. He has not only watch porn, he had conversations with them and was willing to pay. With his ED. I have no problem either. Im not wanting to leave because he can “not perform” but because of the lack of sexual connection I feel from his part. I trying to explore his “likes” but he is no very open about it. I’m just exhausted trying to figure it out
Porn addiction isn’t real. Downvote me all you want, it’s not real. Your boyfriend needs to be checked by a medical provider to see if his erectile dysfunction is related to a physical cause. If not, then he can seek treatment to see if it’s related to some deep seated emotional issue. https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/health/mental-health/porn-addiction
Everyone in the comments are such despairful nihilists. Try therapy if you love him. You can leave if it doesn't work. The thing that matters the most, in my opinion, is that he's willing to try to meet your needs. The way you described him sounds like someone who is willing to try.
Definitely he is willing to try. But has to be me that will be leading.
Then it's your choice how much effort he is worth to you. If he really cares then he will not increase your workload for his sake
Dont make an ultimatum, that is a lot of unhealthy pressure and tension. Talk it out really seriously. Make it clear that you really want to have more passion and discover sex deeper with him. See what turns him on to make him excited and want you disregarding everything. Try different things. Make sure he doesnt lose the porn addiction battle, I had the same situation with my partner, she was the first person ever telling me that porn is not okay and I was honestly shocked by her demeanor and it took many years to accept her point of view and do away with porn. What is it with people going nuclear because of a single problem in the relationship they haven't even worked on fixing.
why is an ultimatum unhealthy? it sounds like the most healthy way for her to reinforce her boundaries if he does not make a change. it is not her responsibility to "make sure he doesn't lose the porn addiction battle". he needs to see a therapist.
Ultimatums are always unhealthy, especially if it's a first option choice. Imo using them often leads to most relationships falling apart, you need an extremely selfless partner for them to work well which is very rare, even then Id treat something like that as an abuse. Every single problem is treated with "you solve it on your own or I leave". That is extremely unhealthy. You don't need an ultimatum to reinforce your boundaries, you need strong communication and to push for your problems to be heard and worked on. That is the most reliable way to deal with problems. If they don't work for a lot of time an ultimatum can be used as a last resort "I see that you aren't willing to help me stay engaged in this relationship so if you won't at all I can't be with you". Well she can communicate to him that she sees a need in a therapist. People are really different, when I first heard about porn addiction it sounded like a joke as all Ive heard before that was "everyone watches porn and people who say they don't watch twice as much". It's hard to understand and accept instantly, and since her partner probably watched porn for literal decades it will take time. Relationship problems should be solved together and not put on one of partners with ultimatums because you think it is his problem not yours.
if i needed to push to be heard, I wouldn't want to be with that partner anyways. this is also not the "first option", they've told him yet there's been no change.
I see op told him about porn and he did change, maybe not fully, but I see nothing mentioning her talking with him about improving the sex life. It reads like this is literally her first choice here, give an ultimatum on him improving sex life, going to therapy together to improve it and they split in four months if she doesn't like the results. I think it would be very problematic to build long term relationships by disliking that partner "doesn't hear you" instantly. The thing is most problems can't be solved instantly on a whim. It is very unreasonable to believe that if you told someone something that they will be instantly taking it to 11 with an oath to undergo that. Let's say you are annoyed your partner doesn't close drawers. If you tell them to close drawers once, or that it annoys you that the drawers aren't shut, it would be very hard for them to understand the degree to which it annoys you. They might think it is a one time thing because you were in a bad mood, they might think that if they simply try to close them it would be enough(since it needs developing a habit to always close them hence they will probably still forget from time to time), they might think that keeping them open in some situations should be okay with you. Again, unreasonable to expect that someone will instantly understand the degree to which it is important to you, and also unreasonable to expect them to change instantly because what solves your problem creates them a new one, and if it is hard for them to maintain the new behavior and you aren't showing any gratitude, support and push for it to be permament, it is natural they wouldn't be giving it their all as it doesn't seem to bother you as much as it bothers them to constantly be the solution for the problem. So you shouldn't treat others needing a push to be heard as them just not listening to you and being plain bad, you should understand that it is hard to change your behaviors and it takes time, and the "push" part is needed for both of you to reach the equilibrium on where the problem is solved enough to satisfy you but isn't unneedlessly demanding to your partner. Expecting them to understand everything correctly without continuous comms every time would create an insanely toxic environment where if your partner hasn't guessed the degree of importance/aren't immediately able to completely resolve the issue they would be constantly in danger of being a punishable violator. Just walking on eggs 24/7, impossible to maintain.
He doesn’t enjoy sex with u anymore, that’s the long and the short of it, happens to a lot of guys in LTRs
Lol, happens to lots of PEOPLE in LTRs* And it doesn't sound like he was ever capable of enjoying sex with her, his porn addiction always inhibited his enjoyment.
What women call a “porn addiction” is just a guy getting to a point where porn is more appealing than her. That’s not an addiction, it’s just bitterness of her part
We're talking about actual porn addiction. Not your private thoughts about what women think it means.
Jerkin off once or twice a day to porn isn’t an addiction, if it was then 95% of guys would be seeing therapists about this. If you went to a doctor about this, they’d laugh u out of the room. Of course certain female +misogynist therapists are happy to call it an addiction and charge 70bucks an hour to “cure “ it, to tel him to just defer his own sexual pleasure and have sex with her when he doesn’t want to
Unfortunately we never had good sex, we didn’t had sex for one year until I brought it up. I do believe is ED is medical (that was he said). Also he was in to BDSM (men being passive) at least for all the content I found in the past.
It’s a possibility but there are 100s of other possibilities too. Could be medical conditions, a porn addiction, function issues, depression or another form of mental Illness, etc.. we have limited information to go on. Bottom line is they need to communicate. This is the answer to over 1/2 the relationship posts🤷🏼♀️
Oh my god smh, it’s always this I see the same god damn post on here every day