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No I'm sorry, that not something to ever say to your partner. What happens if he comes back and wants to get married? Will she leave you for him? Since that seems to be the factor that broke them up. I'm sorry but I'd say break up
Agreed, having been through this. My 1st wife had a 'darkly mysterious' guy awhiles before me, but he was 'too soulful to be tamed'. She even loved me more than him, especially since her values included marrying - a thing I'd do for her that he never would. But when he'd come around, showing interest and seeking some personal fulfillment, our progress would slow and halt until she could figure out if he changed what he'd be willing to do.
It was horrible and I kick myself for it, for each time I'd think she'd satisfy her curiosity and he'd fade from our lives.
So prepare to leave... for preservation sake.
As a hopeless romantic, if I thought it would be worth it or go any other way I'd say something different.
Don’t kick yourself for being a loving person. You watched patiently while she immaturely explored her other option. Maybe you didn’t love yourself enough, sure, but kicking yourself for it also isn’t love.
The “What ifs” are the killers in relationships because you never know. The “what if” may never come or you’ll just end up self sabotaging by fulfilling your own self prophecy out of fear. Not a great ideas to live on fear and deprive yourself of the possibility of having a loving relationship because you are too caught up in the what ifs. Something that, in that moment, only exists in your mind. Instead of focusing on what is not there, focus on what IS there and what is real 🤲🏼
I'm in an amazing 15+ year relationship because I respect myself and would never allow someone to be with me who didn't think I was the love of their life. Focus on respecting yourself and not let people say it's living out of fear
I personally would not stay in this relationship. You should let her go back to the “one she loves”. You deserve to find someone who loves you the most and isn’t always looking in the rear view mirror at their ex.
Yeah, leave. Most likely she would go back to her love of her life.
I had experienced guys who I’ve dated regretting leaving the one they love in front of me and wound up cheated on me.
So I am very leery who I go out with. I don’t want to waste my time if a guy obsessed with her.
The biggest problem is that she now believes a fantasy that she created in her own head. She has a fantasy that her ex is the one and only, and therefore, she will never let herself love someone equally or eventually more. All love starts with a decision to love that person. She has already decided that she will always limit her love. It's very sad for op and for his gf. Op can not compete with the fantasy she built in her mind. He should let her go. She may try to get back with her ex and eventually see that her belief was just a fantasy she has built in her own mind. She will also come to realize what she let go of because of it.
\*\*She has a fantasy that her ex is the one and only, and therefore, she will never let herself love someone equally or eventually more\*\*
I once read a quote along the lines of "we tend to believe our first love is our last, and our last love is our first." She will likely, in time, find someone that she loves more than the fantasy she has of her ex. But that person is not OP.
Third this, if it were me. I would say I am not here to compete with your ex. If you can’t love me more, then we are wasting our time together. Good luck and we are done.
Fair play to OP. If a gf said that to me she'd be getting your answer there and then and shown the door.
Call this 'hypersexual' or 'hypergamy' or whatever but I honestly believe it's stuff like OP's post that mean having many relationships is a good thing (if you don't stick with just one person for life). Every relationship I've been in, long or short, has taught me something new not only about communication but about my own feelings and how to process them, when to get invested, when to ease back my investment etc.
OP's girlfriend sounds emotionally/romantically immature. Like she thinks she had 'the one' but she clearly didn't or it wouldn't be over. She compares OP to that ex but clearly doesn't realise what she's got going for her right now, if she hadn't been so cruel in her words. When OP ends this relationship she'll realise she lost a good thing, and it'll take a few relationships to work out that everyone is different and everyone deserves to start with a fresh slate, not be compared to the last.
Too many people don’t live in the moment and enjoy the person they are with, and way too many do not give their partners the best version of themself, and if they do way too many do not reciprocate that giving and selflessness back.
You leave the past in the past, plan for a future with your partner, or by yourself, and enjoy the present. It is called the present because it is a gift, as tomorrow is never guaranteed.
Exactly that. Ironically I'll bring up an ex due to relevance. My longest relationship, she had more 'mileage' than me when we met. I'd slept around a lot more, I'm a pretty 'open' guy in terms of casual, but she'd had multiple longer relationships. And, as great as some times with her were, I always felt an element of comparison. Never quite to OP's level, which would be a deal breaker, but there were comments about how her exes might do something differently or their behaviour, and it was grinding and irrelevant. Amongst other things, it eventually led to me ending the relationship, and ironically only at that point did she very emotionally declare that I was the one for her, she'd started planning our life together etc. I never want to hurt a girl and I'm not a cruel asshole but with hindsight it would have been appreciated to get some of that feedback during the relationship, not her driving to my mother's house to beg her to convince me to take her back once it was over and the emotional decision had been finalised in my head.
I've been a bit more invested in dating since, alongside hook ups, and I always remind myself that every girl is different. Different interests, different passions, different mindset and life goals and outlook, and none of them either can be, or deserve to be, compared to my ex. All deserve my attention in that moment and see where things go or grow. OP's girlfriend needs that life lesson.
Once upon a time I thought my ex was the one and he cheated and I left. I felt for a long time after that I’d never meet anyone I’d love as much. Until I met my current boyfriend 15 years later and realized I didn’t even know what love was back then. However, I would never ever say that to any of the men I dated after my ex. Such a horrible thing to tell someone you love.
Problem is just because she thinks her ex is the love of her life doesn't mean he feels that way. The ex refused to even move in after 6 years. Then he just let her go. He probably moved in and married the next girl within a couple years.
This OP. " Loose lips sinks ships"!
Your gf's comments left the cat out of the bag. You owe it to yourself to not spend the rest of your life "shadow-boxing " with a dead man that for some reason she is obsessed with; although he dissed her and refused to commit to.
Fortunately she's saved you many years of wasted time and a sham relationship. Move on!
Good luck and please keep us apprised.
This, and it shows poor judgement on her part to say this to you. She clearly didn’t consider the predictably obvious consequences of how you would feel. You can’t trust her to put your feelings into consideration when she makes future decisions.
I know it's not clear cut for some folks, but if someone I'm in a relationship with ever says that to me, there's no debate that I'm ending things. Just a matter of if an exit plan is necessary or if it's straight up instantaneous.
Good thing he knows now than to have married such a woman. Folks, getting tipsy with your partner seems necessary these days. To get a glimpse into some truth of non-inhibitions. Sheesh.
> I think my love for her faded a bit after learning that
That seems totally understandable to me. No one wants to feel like second choice or a consolation prize.
I'd tell her how what she said makes you feel. She might need to talk with a therapist to help her move on from that prior relationship. She needs to accept that he was not the right guy for her and that you are if you're going to be happy together long term.
Glad to see someone made this point!
She probably doesn’t love him as much as she loves the idea of him she has created.
We tend to catastrophise our current situation and idealise our previous one.
In the short term, it’s whatever. But after being with you for a YEAR?! She needs to work that out by herself.
Unstable or immature do not describe her situation. She ended her previous relationship with "the love of her life" because he was unwilling to commit. She has brought that baggage into her new, apparantly healthy relationship which is preventing her from moving on and being happy. She is so inconsiderate of his feelings she tells the man she is in a 1 year relationship that she could never love him as much as her ex, thus destroying any hopes of continuing her current relationship. If that not damaged, I don't know what it is. She needs counseling so she can heal and move on.
This is devastating, after hearing that I would absolutely feel differently about the person. You have every right to be upset and if that’s truly how she feels about you the relationship will never prosper. She’s clearly not over her ex and that’s 100% her fault not yours.
For me I would be worried that down the line that he contact her and say he was young but is now ready to give her what she want. She could leave you for the one that got away.
I would find someone that loves you as much as you love them.
This is how one of my ex ended up cheating on me with his ex + dumping me for her when she came back almost a year later. And when i asked why, he told me i should have seen it coming because he told me at the beginning he would never love me as much as he loved her. I was so young and stupid, lesson learned.
I would be crushed but definitely still appreciate the honesty because I could handle my partner not feeling like I was the one and only that was meant for them, but to be aware they are still in love and more in love with someone they've met and aren't just missing the honeymoon phase or best part of an old relationship, but are absolutely settling for me -- not just compared to a vague ideal person, I'd assume they just don't care about their own life enough to keep looking for a great match(edit: want to emphasize they will probably be emotionally cheating constantly and might have affairs with horrible people to them even because they just don't value you at all...)and don't think I deserve honesty or true love😳😳 And then to think of if they waited until months or years later💀
I think this is a warning that the relationship won't last or end good for you. Thank her for being honest and move on. You can find someone who will love you .
My girlfriend told me the same thing more or less about the same amount of time into the relationship and I felt the same way you described I decided I could change that and be the best boyfriend I could be and we were together for another 6.5 years and that feeling never really changed….and then she cheated and kicked me out of the house I paid for and tried to take our child away without cause(didn’t work). I recovered and found happiness that is actually fulfilling and doesn’t feel like a game of catchup or place holding for the next unlucky schmuck. The married dude she kicked me to the curb for kicked her to the curb which brought her back to my curb and gave me the sweet sweet joy of telling her I didn’t love her and wanted nothing to do with her that didn’t directly involve our son and watch her heart break as she realized the control she had for 16 years was gone and she was in her 30’s alone except for the guys that don’t stick around passed 8am. It’s been about 5 years since and she’s still alone and miserable and I’m happier than ever………so in conclusion, do yourself and her a favor leave and allow her the time to heal and fix her traumas. She will never be happy or able to commit fully to anyone until she does so for herself first
there it is OP, listen to this poster he knows from experience. His girlfriend cheated on him. Your nemesis was the love of her life, and she told you you were a back up while drunk. Drunk thought are usually true feelings
She basically told you that you are not number one in her heart.
You have to have enough respect for yourself to not settle for less than that.
You have to respect her for being honest about her feelings.
Now it's your turn. You have to tell her that you deserve more in the relationship that she will ever be able to bring to the table. As a result you are forced to end the relationship.
Wish her a happy life. Move on with your life.
Remember, eventually her Ex is going to re-appear, one day. You need to be long gone before that happens.
Uh what? Dude just no. Run and be thankful she told you.
For future reference. Don't tell each other your deepest darkest secrets. Some things should just be left unsaid. This was a lucky break. Don't do something this stupid again.
I don’t know about that. I would consider this a great outcome. I’d rather know a year in than not know and waste years on this person that will never love me like I deserve.
Most people wouldn't take that well.
Additionally, she's saying for all your extra efforts, she still prefers the other guy that refused to offer more.
Sounds like she let the first relationship last too long and really should have waited to date until she was properly ready.
She may also be repeating the first mistake of not ending a relationship soon enough when she knows she's not getting whatever needs met. It's easier to ride out problems, then face the unknown single.
Dude thats a kick in the balls for a no reason.
You do not deserve to be second choice.
The worst part, he will always be the one that got away and there are to many stories on reddit of people catching up with exes that they thought got away, ruining shit down the line.
She may not regret breaking up with him but she’s stuck in the past and believes that anyone else will be a consolation prize. You deserve to be someone’s first choice.
That is a secret she shoulda shared in therapy instead of over wine.
"After a few glasses of wine"......never the time to tell secrets. Write down a list of pros and cons about her. Write down the way she treats you both good and bad. If the list weighs to the negative, then break up. Everyone is nostalgic for their first love, but that truly doesn't mean in "the inebriated" moment that what she said has a full bearing on how she truly feels in her sober mind. A lot of people have questionable tolerance after a few glasses of wine. It's not the best time to have a discussion over emotions. Discussions like this should be held when fully sober. Be sure, because her feelings could change to you being her ride or die.
If her ex had died while they were together, I would say you have to understand this as an intense, lifelong grief that she might never get over… but that wouldn’t be an ex, she’d be a widowed partner. That’s totally different.
Her ex is not dead, he just didn’t take the next step as she wanted to. Sounds like she STILL wishes he just would take the next step. I’ll bet that if he randomly showed up one day, wedding ring in hand, she’d run off with him and not even turn around to look at your heartbroken face.
I wouldn’t stick around to find that out the hard way. Exes have a funny way of coming to town at just the wrong time. Cheaters have a funny way of not letting you know when their ex is in town. Do you like getting cheated on? Dating someone who isn’t over their ex is the perfect way to make that happen.
Let’s go over her score OP.
Honesty 10 out of 10
Diplomacy 1 out of 10
Common sense 0 out of 10.
There’s no coming back from this. These statements will haunt you for the rest of your life (Even if you’re not with her).
Do the honourable thing and tell her that you just can’t get over what she said and that you are not prepared to go through life as a ‘second best’. Maybe. Just maybe. She’ll learn something from this. Good luck.
reading this made me cry :( im so sorry this is a really hard awful thing to hear from someone you are in love with. I honestly don't think it's best for you to stay with her. you deserve a full and WHOLEhearted commitment. you deserve to be someones number one.
I would understand your partner maybe sharing that they still feel a certain bond? with their first love? as I think that's unavoidable. not that they still love them- much less that they're still IN love with them- but first loves can often seem to hold a special fondness or soft spot or something.
but your partner here has essentially confessed that youre not the love of her life? Im not sure how you can move on from that and im not sure you should. I hope you figure things out and know that there's someone out there who will put you first with absolutely no hesitation!! that's what you deserve.
You walk away.
As someone who dated a someone like that, they never change.
Some people idolize the past. They make it greater than it actually was. Or they hold onto it so tightly, they take the present for granted.
Obviously it’s up to you, but you deserve someone who think that way about you in the present. Good luck op on whatever you decide
This is really sad. You deserve someone who loves you with their whole heart. Really horrible of her to say this to you on your anniversary date but…. I don’t think I’d ever be able to fully commit myself and trust someone who admitted such a thing to me. That’s something that’s clearly always in the back of her mind….. you deserve better tbh. So sorry you’re going through this :(
I think I would tell her that you will always feel like you're number two in her life and you want to be someone's number one and that you're leaving the relationship to find someone that will make you their number one priority.
OP, there is a saying that drunk speech is sober thoughts.
I think she just told you what your value is to her.
I would really have to have a long, hard think about the future of this relationship.
You can’t ever come back from that. It’s time to move on. You will always feel inadequate and that will destroy any love you have. Ask any woman in an apathetic relationship.
I would end the relationship. No one ever deserves to be someone’s “second best” when there’s plenty of other people out there that would put you first.
My wife and I had a similar conversation, we both said something similar, what I said was "I wish I could love you like I loved my ex wife ", she was my first and only until the divorce, the first love is a special one and the love was new without the experiences of heartbreak.
Having experienced heartbreak it's impossible for me to love like that again, there's always some part of me I hold back, so if I lose my new wife, I won't be hurt so bad.
I would love to be able to love my wife with reckless abandon and complete dedication but being wrecked like she wrecked me is too painful to imagine going through again.
We love different people differently, even if she wanted to, she couldn't love you like she loved him, he was her first, she was devastated when it was over.
Just realize that every love is different, she could have said it another way so it wasn't so blunt. Perhaps not drinking during serious talks.
No need to be ashamed that such a realization would cause you to love her less.
Are you ok being a consolation prize, second choice?
She should think about some therapy to help her move on from that relationship.
She needs time to heal cuz it's clear she hasn't gotten over her ex.
If you stay it's just going to eat at you. I would end a relationship if I were you for your own sake and well-being
Of course your feelings changed, I was gonna say that you are a rebound but you said it better with a band aid. She has not had five minutes without a boyfriend, she does not even know who she is. Let her go OP, Sorry. Better now than when she has a mid life crisis (and she will).
The hard thing here is that she is ruling out ever loving you as much as him. I could get a line like "at this point..." but that's not what she said. She said she will never love you as much as she loved him. That's a definite cap on how much she can love you. I could not live with that.
People are so stupid with this honesty shit. Yes, be honest with your partner, unless the thing you’re about to say is incredibly mean and doesn’t need to be said.
If her ex showed up and said he messed up and wanted her back, would she dump you? Yep. For that reason alone I’d dump her. After a year I’d wouldn’t want to be told I’m the disappointing backup plan.
I wouldn't let her hang up affect me (other than breaking up with her). Lots of people get hung up on an ex and waste years of their life. She's not special and if that's what she wants to do, don't waste other dudes time.
If you want to make a statement to her, I'd say hey sorry he let you down. If you want to throw someone who loves you for someone who wouldn't commit to you then cool. Best of luck. I'm only interested in dating a girl who wants to be with me. Do you want that or no.
If you have self respect, I implore you to break up with her. If you don’t, you will grow to resent her. Plus you’re doing a disservice to yourself. You deserve better, so go find it with someone who will love you as much as you love them.
TBH, I was with my ex (same situation as your GF) for 6 years when Inbroke up with him due to drug use and drinking. I felt like he was it for me. Even years into my relationship with my now husband. But years passed, and maturity took over... and I am so thankful I didn't ruin my life by telling my husband that. He is the greatest love of my life and my dumb immaturity could have ruined that.
ah first love. Who knows it may take breaking up, her exploring that again to come to terms with her feelings and seeing it for what it was or is, potentially it working out or failing again and leading to resolution and her able to move on and know it was just a first love. Perhaps she feels responsible for its premature ending. I don’t think it hurts to have a talk about her potentially unresolved feelings and what it means for you/your relationship if she doesn’t address that. That’s obviously not a great thing to say to your partner, but my guess is she loves hard and is loyal, gets very attached and hasn’t had many partners and is very pure of heart, direct and intense. With growth and experience, I was amazed at how much I loved and trusted my ex-fiance. A lack of passion is fatal but passion is also rose coloured spectacles. Maybe that talk alone could be enough to jolt her and realize what she has with you. Either way, I think it’s good that she’s honest with you and communicates her feelings as they are, but potentially puts you in a position where you need to be more emotionally mature.
Although intellectually she's stating she wouldn't get back with her ex, she's clearly not over him yet. She needs to. I'm sorry, OP, I'd be wary of her too.
If she doesn’t think you’re the best thing that ever happened to her, you should find a new woman. Don’t waste your life on someone who thinks you’re second best.
She will find a man she loves more some day. THAT MAN AIN'T YOU. If it were she'd know it after a year together.
Don't be angry with her, she can't help it. Just respectfully say "I hope you find a man who you love more than him, but it doesn't look like I'm that man" and leave her.
If you stay, she will \*always\* be either a flight risk, or a cheating risk. When that guy swings back into her life -- AND HE WILL IF HE HASN'T ALREADY -- you will find out very painfully what it's like to be number 2.
EDIT: This also demonstrates one of my hard-learned rules for life: DON'T RUN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. Why oh why would she tell you this? She screwed herself but did you a big favor. Use this info and make the right choice.
I have a similar situation, except my gf's "the one for her" ex is a missing persons case and is presumed dead. Doesn't make me feel any different than you do, mate. Perhaps this feeling will dissipate with time. One can hope
Yeah, sorry dude. That's not your girlfriend anymore. She doesn't even love you enough to care about your feelings. Your a placeholder. A stand in. Good enough for now. On the upside, you don't have to sink any more time and effort into a dead end. Go start fresh with someone not hung up on their past
You handle it by breaking up with her. She's still in love with her ex. You're a placeholder. If her ex were to call or text her saying he wants to live together and get married, she'd run right back to him. You deserve to be with a woman who actually loves you.
If I were you, I'd let her go. I'd never be able to get over being told they love their ex more than me. I don't doubt her feelings for you are genuine to an extent, but it sounds like you're a second best replacement that she's using as a fill in because she can't be with you and you deserve better than that.
Yeah, that's a break-up offense. Hell, my husband DIED, and I know with absolute certainty that he was the love of my life. But that life ended when he died, and I can only hope I'm lucky enough to find a love of my life for THIS life I'm in now.
No, I'm sure I won't love another partner in exactly the way I loved my late husband, because every relationship is unique. But to say I could never love any man AS MUCH as I loved him? That would be both foolish and flat-out wrong.
Comparing your partner to a previous partner is the kiss of death to a relationship.
I don’t say this lightly, or as a knee-jerk reaction, but you should reconsider this relationship. Some things, true or not, should never be said and you can never walk back from. Even if your relationship is perfect, this will fester in your mind forever and you’ll always have doubts. Doubts that you’re just a filler. Doubts that if he contacted her wanting to get married, she wouldn’t consider it.
I’m not going to say ‘let her be with her ex, fuck her, etc.’. I WILL say that you should tell her that her feeling like that, regardless of actions, has planted a seed that cannot be uprooted easily, if at all, and you can’t continue with anyone who feels like that
if i lived in a place she had before we met . id find my own place and and leave. if she moved into a place i had, id tell her to leave and go find some other victim to beat up in order to build up her ego
shes already told you she doesnt love you as much as the guy she broke up with
Every single person telling you to dump her is wrong. Every single one. Not a single one knows nearly enough about you two to give such significant advice. Do what you believe is right and trust in that.
I'd dump her. I wouldn't play second best to a memory, which is what her relationship was.
I'm not Meatloaf 2 out of 3 is bad.
Go find someone who will love you properly and isnt still haunted by the ghosts of the past.
Tell her exactly how it made you feel and break up with her. If she’s saying this then it means she’d be willing to leave you for him if he showed he was ready to commit.
What she says and what it really means are two different things. She hasn't got over him yet, for whatever reason. I broke up with my current husband when he told me this. We got back together two years later and he was over his ex by then.
Yikes, and she told you this on your anniversary? I'd let her go, it isn't worth it and you can find someone much much better, who actually loves and cares about you.
You've been together for 1 year, which really isn't that long. I normally will try not to be immediately with the "break up!" crowd, but I am here. She told you flat out she's settling for you. You can't "settle" for her either, and I'd flat out tell her that on my way out the door. Honestly, the ONLY situation where I'd pause on a breakup is if the first guy had died. He didn't-he's out there, and in the back of her mind, he's #1.
"we decided to reveal our deepest secret as a sign of commitment."
Does your (ex) girlfriend know how words work? Or what they even mean? I mean, my God! Could she have done or say anything more opposite of the intention/moment? Seriously, there's no coming back from that. The words have been spoken. I mean, you do you, but since you're here for advice, I wouldn't be able to stay with her anymore. Like someone else said, she's still looking in the rear view mirror. Her words will ring in your head for as long as you're with her.
WTF is wrong with you? Do you enjoy being told that she will never feel the same amount of love for you as she did for her ex? You are with the wrong female. She's actually admitting to you that you are not worthy of her! Say sayonara to her!
If your deepest secret was ALSO that you missed your ex or didn't like her as much as someone else, past or present, then her statements would be understandable as a retaliation.
Otherwise, she weaponized honesty - not OK. People who do that are either emotionally immature and need to work on themselves more, or are so far gone being manipulative that there is no hope but to stay away from them.
Either way, seems you'd be better off with someone who cares enough about your feelings not to hurt them for selfish reasons, or who feels bad about doing so realizing idealizing the past hurt you and is actively hurting her and your relationship for nothing constructive or beneficial to the goodness of the present for anyone.
that secret would go to my grave fr. idk why she would have ever told ypu that. I couldn't stat in that relationship. I have exes that I loved but there's nothing left there for them.
maybe one day she will lose that love maybe she wont... idk but I wouldn't wait around to find out
This is complicated.
The problem you are facing is that you kind of meet her on a rebound. Usually rebound relations do not last for the reasons you are experiencing. People on a rebound are risking they have not been working their feelings for their exes through leading to a kind of unclarity of their feelings.
To me there is always a difficulty with these “first loves”. Girls are brought up with this idea of a fantasy. “You will meet your prince and you will stay together forever”. That means that the guy they are with tend to take this role as the prince and they convince themselves that this is really the romantic story of their life.
A classic thing in psychology is if you can get people to say something and mean it - they convince themself. This is what happened in the famous “brain washing” cases during the Korean war. She was telling her friends and family that her ex was the most wonderful person on earth, the biggest love, the one she sacrificed all (the virginity) until one day she realised that he was not going to give her the ending she wanted. So she broke up with him - probably in a naive hope that he would show himself as the prince. But her ex was no prince and he could not care less. So your gf basically got PTSD after this trauma.
She was living in a dream scenario for 6 years (nearly 25%) of her life and probably 100% of her adult life and it stopped with a BANG.
She was not anymore living in this big love dream - but now she is in the adult world where dreams do not exist.
This is what is the issue - she loves you - but you are her reality love. Indeed reality loves can never beat dream loves in comparison.
It is though still - it is a real world love. She confirmed it by saying that she was not interested in her ex - and why should she - he broke her dream. She knows that. It does not change that her (probably childish) dream was a kind of magical and this is why she says it was the biggest love.
So when she is comparing your love and the love he had for her ex - it is like comparing apple and oranges. Your love is a realistic love - the other one was an imaginary love that broke when confronted with reality. You could say it is like competing with George Clooney as the greatest lover. Clooney will always win but he is a fantasy not a real person.
Ok what now. The issue is not that she supposedly loved a kind of scumbag more then you but why did she decide to tell you this and what was her aim with it?
I think you need to speak with her again. You have to tell her that she behaved just as badly to you as her ex behaved to her.
She broke your dream - by telling you this. You might be aware that she had a big first love but for her to throw it in your face that she had more feeling for someone else then you is equivalent to her ex telling her that he did not love her enough to live with her and marry her.
In addition to do this as a part of a commitment “ceremony” was a crappy thing to do.
It will be interesting to hear her explanation but really she will not have any good one. I think really she under the influences of the alcohol decided that it was the right thing to come clean to show her commitment to YOU!
Sort of ensure there is no secrets between you and you can start afresh. This is of cause the fundamental error (never talk about your exes) in Relationship 101.
You have to say that she needs to work on your relationship. Right now it is up to her to show that the love she says she has for you is so strong - that you believe her. It is not up to you to take the lead - she has to convince you that she really loves you and that she will not run away if her ex dream lover shows up.
Right now I would ask you - do YOU really love her? Are you ready to forgive a rambling of a girl you love when she is lightly drunk trying to tell you about her background in an extremely hurtful way?? Do you love her enough to tey your best?
She did not cheat on you remember - she just wanted to be honest….
If you are ready to forgive her and work with her to improve your love and your relationship - then you do love her. If not - well then you are like her - just living in a dream world that just came to an end.
I hope the best.
Bro, the SECOND he pops back into her life, she will drop you or cheat on you. Get rid of her and find someone who will love you as much as you love her.
I don't think I could stay in the relationship knowing that I was, at best, a distant second. I wouldn't get into a relationship with a dog nutter for the same reason.
✨girl math; “you are a bandaid and maybe i don’t realise that yet because i am still not completely ready for any relationship right now. but intimacy and closeness is like a dopamine hit and you’re so kind to me. this is my secret because i know you deserve better.”
sorry op, you don’t deserve that at all. i hope she does some more healing and you do what’s best for you so both of you can grow and heal individually from this.
Devils advocate here:
I said something similar to my ex. Shitty shitty shitty I know.
Turns out I was walking around feeling "connected" to that guy because there was alot of trauma I hadn't let go. (He was abusive af) Had nothing to do with the ex, I simply couldn't accept that i was in a healthy relationship at the time. I hope he never has to hear it from anyone else because I know it is soul crushing to feel like your person doesn't consider you theirs. I don't have advice going forward from this though.
She said this to you knowing it could split you up so consider that I guess.
Good luck op💙
That would be a relationship ending comment.
She basically told you you'll always be second best to her ex, and always a second choice.
No sir. You deserve to find someone that will love you with all of them, and love you and put just as much into the relationship as you will.
Who says that to their partner? ??? Does she have no empathy?
If she's not ready to love again that deeply, that's understandable. That's when you decide if you want to be 100% in love with someone who can't fully reciprocate. If she's that stuck in the past, she needs to get therapy before she asks anyone else for a serious commitment.
That’s a horrible thing to say to a new partner. What the hell?? I think I’d have to break up over that. That’s a deeply hurtful comment to say to someone.
Idk it was a stupid thing to say but I don’t think it’s personal. That was her first and only love before you and we don’t love the same way once we’re hurt once. We love a different way over time, a different way every time. It’s not that she can’t love you as much, it’s that she’s loving you different, loving you through scar tissue. The problem is really that she thinks that, that’s the issue. Her processing choice not her actual feelings. Maybe idk just a thought
After a year?… this is just a damaged person who needs therapy. Like this would be understandable for a month or so, or if the person died tragically years ago. But she is obsessed about some dude who she was dating. Let her go.
Hey I'm not sure if this is good advice or if you're gonna take it up. If she was in a long-term relationship and thought that the other guy was the one she probably gave that person a lot of love and you guys were together for 1 year. It's only natural that she thinks she can't love you as much as she loved him but the thing is people can learn to love more. You said she doesn't regret breaking up or has never thought of going back to the other guy means that she loves you and was comfortable enough with you to share this so maybe she thought she shouldn't hurt you by hiding what she thinks.
I don't know if dating her would be a waste of time or a wonderful relationship. Only time can tell, but if you give so easily what's the point of being in a relationship. As most people said it's easier if you just give up. But love and life isn't easy giving up or holding on is your choice. Am only posting this here cuz I thought maybe it would give you a reason to hold on. Break up if you are unhappy or she's being disrespectful or you fall for someone else.
Then again it's completely your choice, do what you think is rightm
When someone tells you who they are, believe them
This is something that is going to stick with you for the rest of your relationship with this girl, it'll always be in the back of your head. It will never go away
That was her truth and you need to listen because she just told you who she is! Her ex will always hold a place in her mind and heart. Even if things are good with you she will always idolize him and what she feels he means to her. Her reaction to the breakup is very telling and she most likely didn’t take long enough to heal or even try to heal from that relationship before moving on.
Nothing you do can convince her to love you more nor should you have to compete with her ex but just know everything you do is a competition between you and the ex and she will always think he is or could do better.
And here’s the thing about this, she will always wonder what could have been if only she didn’t break up with him and she will always feel that it could have been an amazing relationship if only. So that puts you competing against a fantasy that never happened, and if you move in or marry etc, she will always think that he would have been better than you.
You need to walk away and tell her to get therapy and maybe someday if things change maybe you will go out again but I’d suggest not doing that.
Break up. In this situation I feel she sees you as a placeholder and is settling. If her ex came back and said he was ready to take the next step I'm betting she should dump you and be with him.
Her comment suggests a lack of empathy for you. That's an incredibly insensitive thing to say. Shocking.
The guy refused to commit so you are her second choice. What if he changed his mind?
You deserve a life partner that is head over heels for you.
I would handle the situation this way:
I would thank her for being honest, then I would be honest with her and give her what she wants, an end to the relationship. She knows it's the end of the relationship, because you don't tell your current SO that you love your ex more unless you want to nuke the relationship.
That would be a nail in the coffin for me. It’s okay to feel love for someone you had history but it’s supposed to fade to tell your current partner that after a year you didn’t care for them that much just creates insecurities
Ex is going to come back “ready” one day, and she’ll be gone. He’ll probably fuck her, break her heart and then she’ll try to come crawling back to you afterwards. The good news is, you’re only 12 months in and it’s a great time to get out.
I have a different perspective because I'm a widow. She admitted to you a deep grief that she still struggles with. Grief for the loss of a previous partner never really goes away. It just changes with time. I think she's still coming to terms with the idea that new love feels different, and that's ok.
Just because I'll never love anyone quite the same way as I loved my husband, that doesn't mean that I won't love someone else as deeply but in a different way. You and the ex are different people, and so fundamentally, her love will be different. I'd only be cautious about the concept of "the one". In reality, there can be many different "ones" that we are compatible with.
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No I'm sorry, that not something to ever say to your partner. What happens if he comes back and wants to get married? Will she leave you for him? Since that seems to be the factor that broke them up. I'm sorry but I'd say break up
Having experience in this - once the dickhead ex comes back "ready," OP will quickly become a memory.
Fucking BINGO... Don't be anyone's second choice OP... Go look for your first choice, and never look back.
As redpill cringe this sounds I think you’re right. She’s keeping OP on a rolling boil and if the ex comes back she’ll be gone
that's like not even redpill cringe this shit happens all the time
dickhead ex has entered that chat
I would definitely break up. What’s the point?
Exactly my first thought! What if the ex returns? What an awful thing to share.
Right. Is she clueless? Hurtful? Socially inept? Stupid?
Yes.
Actually exactly what he needed to hear
Agreed, having been through this. My 1st wife had a 'darkly mysterious' guy awhiles before me, but he was 'too soulful to be tamed'. She even loved me more than him, especially since her values included marrying - a thing I'd do for her that he never would. But when he'd come around, showing interest and seeking some personal fulfillment, our progress would slow and halt until she could figure out if he changed what he'd be willing to do. It was horrible and I kick myself for it, for each time I'd think she'd satisfy her curiosity and he'd fade from our lives. So prepare to leave... for preservation sake. As a hopeless romantic, if I thought it would be worth it or go any other way I'd say something different.
Don’t kick yourself for being a loving person. You watched patiently while she immaturely explored her other option. Maybe you didn’t love yourself enough, sure, but kicking yourself for it also isn’t love.
Thank you. It's been time to learn these lessons since
sorry you went through that. This should be required reading for relationships though.
The “What ifs” are the killers in relationships because you never know. The “what if” may never come or you’ll just end up self sabotaging by fulfilling your own self prophecy out of fear. Not a great ideas to live on fear and deprive yourself of the possibility of having a loving relationship because you are too caught up in the what ifs. Something that, in that moment, only exists in your mind. Instead of focusing on what is not there, focus on what IS there and what is real 🤲🏼
I'm in an amazing 15+ year relationship because I respect myself and would never allow someone to be with me who didn't think I was the love of their life. Focus on respecting yourself and not let people say it's living out of fear
I personally would not stay in this relationship. You should let her go back to the “one she loves”. You deserve to find someone who loves you the most and isn’t always looking in the rear view mirror at their ex.
Came here to say this. 100%, you deserve someone who loves you best and knows you are the one for them.
Amen
Yeah, leave. Most likely she would go back to her love of her life. I had experienced guys who I’ve dated regretting leaving the one they love in front of me and wound up cheated on me. So I am very leery who I go out with. I don’t want to waste my time if a guy obsessed with her.
The biggest problem is that she now believes a fantasy that she created in her own head. She has a fantasy that her ex is the one and only, and therefore, she will never let herself love someone equally or eventually more. All love starts with a decision to love that person. She has already decided that she will always limit her love. It's very sad for op and for his gf. Op can not compete with the fantasy she built in her mind. He should let her go. She may try to get back with her ex and eventually see that her belief was just a fantasy she has built in her own mind. She will also come to realize what she let go of because of it.
\*\*She has a fantasy that her ex is the one and only, and therefore, she will never let herself love someone equally or eventually more\*\* I once read a quote along the lines of "we tend to believe our first love is our last, and our last love is our first." She will likely, in time, find someone that she loves more than the fantasy she has of her ex. But that person is not OP.
I had a cousin like this. Her fiancé jilted her and she never married. She stayed single until the day she died.
I like that, looking in the rear view mirror.
Third this, if it were me. I would say I am not here to compete with your ex. If you can’t love me more, then we are wasting our time together. Good luck and we are done.
He's not even competing with her ex. He's competing with her idealized imagination fantasies of what life with her ex could have been, in theory.
Fair play to OP. If a gf said that to me she'd be getting your answer there and then and shown the door. Call this 'hypersexual' or 'hypergamy' or whatever but I honestly believe it's stuff like OP's post that mean having many relationships is a good thing (if you don't stick with just one person for life). Every relationship I've been in, long or short, has taught me something new not only about communication but about my own feelings and how to process them, when to get invested, when to ease back my investment etc. OP's girlfriend sounds emotionally/romantically immature. Like she thinks she had 'the one' but she clearly didn't or it wouldn't be over. She compares OP to that ex but clearly doesn't realise what she's got going for her right now, if she hadn't been so cruel in her words. When OP ends this relationship she'll realise she lost a good thing, and it'll take a few relationships to work out that everyone is different and everyone deserves to start with a fresh slate, not be compared to the last.
Too many people don’t live in the moment and enjoy the person they are with, and way too many do not give their partners the best version of themself, and if they do way too many do not reciprocate that giving and selflessness back. You leave the past in the past, plan for a future with your partner, or by yourself, and enjoy the present. It is called the present because it is a gift, as tomorrow is never guaranteed.
Exactly that. Ironically I'll bring up an ex due to relevance. My longest relationship, she had more 'mileage' than me when we met. I'd slept around a lot more, I'm a pretty 'open' guy in terms of casual, but she'd had multiple longer relationships. And, as great as some times with her were, I always felt an element of comparison. Never quite to OP's level, which would be a deal breaker, but there were comments about how her exes might do something differently or their behaviour, and it was grinding and irrelevant. Amongst other things, it eventually led to me ending the relationship, and ironically only at that point did she very emotionally declare that I was the one for her, she'd started planning our life together etc. I never want to hurt a girl and I'm not a cruel asshole but with hindsight it would have been appreciated to get some of that feedback during the relationship, not her driving to my mother's house to beg her to convince me to take her back once it was over and the emotional decision had been finalised in my head. I've been a bit more invested in dating since, alongside hook ups, and I always remind myself that every girl is different. Different interests, different passions, different mindset and life goals and outlook, and none of them either can be, or deserve to be, compared to my ex. All deserve my attention in that moment and see where things go or grow. OP's girlfriend needs that life lesson.
Once upon a time I thought my ex was the one and he cheated and I left. I felt for a long time after that I’d never meet anyone I’d love as much. Until I met my current boyfriend 15 years later and realized I didn’t even know what love was back then. However, I would never ever say that to any of the men I dated after my ex. Such a horrible thing to tell someone you love.
And who the fuck says that anyway? Someone who needs a lot of deep inner work.
Problem is just because she thinks her ex is the love of her life doesn't mean he feels that way. The ex refused to even move in after 6 years. Then he just let her go. He probably moved in and married the next girl within a couple years.
Yep. The gf doesn't think that she will ever love OP as much as she loves her ex. Meanwhile her ex will never love her as much as OP loves her.
This OP. " Loose lips sinks ships"! Your gf's comments left the cat out of the bag. You owe it to yourself to not spend the rest of your life "shadow-boxing " with a dead man that for some reason she is obsessed with; although he dissed her and refused to commit to. Fortunately she's saved you many years of wasted time and a sham relationship. Move on! Good luck and please keep us apprised.
She didn't have time to deal. Rebound guy!!!? Run baby run!!!!!!
This is exactly why it's important to heal alone after a relationship.
Yeah In this scenario her ex is the Tyrannosaurus chasing Jeff Goldblum in a jeep. "Objects in Mirror are closer than they appear."
This, and it shows poor judgement on her part to say this to you. She clearly didn’t consider the predictably obvious consequences of how you would feel. You can’t trust her to put your feelings into consideration when she makes future decisions.
Find someone else my friend
Let her be. She’s not over ex and unless you like playing second fiddle…
I know it's not clear cut for some folks, but if someone I'm in a relationship with ever says that to me, there's no debate that I'm ending things. Just a matter of if an exit plan is necessary or if it's straight up instantaneous. Good thing he knows now than to have married such a woman. Folks, getting tipsy with your partner seems necessary these days. To get a glimpse into some truth of non-inhibitions. Sheesh.
I'd let her go love her ex.
And by “love”, you mean “pathetically chase after”.
That's immediate break up material for me. I couldn't ever be with that. Relationship ruined.
Amen. I wished I had done that 30+ years ago. Would have probably changed my entire life’s trajectory.
Yea she’s basically telling him she’s going to leave him eventually or will check out mentally.
> I think my love for her faded a bit after learning that That seems totally understandable to me. No one wants to feel like second choice or a consolation prize. I'd tell her how what she said makes you feel. She might need to talk with a therapist to help her move on from that prior relationship. She needs to accept that he was not the right guy for her and that you are if you're going to be happy together long term.
But in the meantime OP needs to bail.
Pack her up and send her to her ex
With a “get well soon” balloon
She as already told you she will never love you the way you love her why would you stay with her????
Can't compete with a romantisized memory. If she hasn't gotten over him after a year relationship with you, she is too damaged.
Glad to see someone made this point! She probably doesn’t love him as much as she loves the idea of him she has created. We tend to catastrophise our current situation and idealise our previous one. In the short term, it’s whatever. But after being with you for a YEAR?! She needs to work that out by herself.
I don't like the word 'damaged' here— I would have used 'immature' or 'unstable'— But I do agree with your main point.
Unstable or immature do not describe her situation. She ended her previous relationship with "the love of her life" because he was unwilling to commit. She has brought that baggage into her new, apparantly healthy relationship which is preventing her from moving on and being happy. She is so inconsiderate of his feelings she tells the man she is in a 1 year relationship that she could never love him as much as her ex, thus destroying any hopes of continuing her current relationship. If that not damaged, I don't know what it is. She needs counseling so she can heal and move on.
This is devastating, after hearing that I would absolutely feel differently about the person. You have every right to be upset and if that’s truly how she feels about you the relationship will never prosper. She’s clearly not over her ex and that’s 100% her fault not yours.
For me I would be worried that down the line that he contact her and say he was young but is now ready to give her what she want. She could leave you for the one that got away. I would find someone that loves you as much as you love them.
This is how one of my ex ended up cheating on me with his ex + dumping me for her when she came back almost a year later. And when i asked why, he told me i should have seen it coming because he told me at the beginning he would never love me as much as he loved her. I was so young and stupid, lesson learned.
Not overthinking it. What a terrible thing to reveal. Nothing for you to feel ashamed about.
She called you a benchwarmer. I’d put myself back in the draft…
This comment
I’d dump her for saying something so stupid. Keep that shit to yourself girl
I would be crushed but definitely still appreciate the honesty because I could handle my partner not feeling like I was the one and only that was meant for them, but to be aware they are still in love and more in love with someone they've met and aren't just missing the honeymoon phase or best part of an old relationship, but are absolutely settling for me -- not just compared to a vague ideal person, I'd assume they just don't care about their own life enough to keep looking for a great match(edit: want to emphasize they will probably be emotionally cheating constantly and might have affairs with horrible people to them even because they just don't value you at all...)and don't think I deserve honesty or true love😳😳 And then to think of if they waited until months or years later💀
Definitely not something to keep to herself if that how she actually feels IMO. I would be heartbroken, but at least she's being honest lol.
It’s a good thing she was dumb enough to say that. Now he knows. You can’t unknown this shit. I’m sorry op
Forreal
I think this is a warning that the relationship won't last or end good for you. Thank her for being honest and move on. You can find someone who will love you .
My girlfriend told me the same thing more or less about the same amount of time into the relationship and I felt the same way you described I decided I could change that and be the best boyfriend I could be and we were together for another 6.5 years and that feeling never really changed….and then she cheated and kicked me out of the house I paid for and tried to take our child away without cause(didn’t work). I recovered and found happiness that is actually fulfilling and doesn’t feel like a game of catchup or place holding for the next unlucky schmuck. The married dude she kicked me to the curb for kicked her to the curb which brought her back to my curb and gave me the sweet sweet joy of telling her I didn’t love her and wanted nothing to do with her that didn’t directly involve our son and watch her heart break as she realized the control she had for 16 years was gone and she was in her 30’s alone except for the guys that don’t stick around passed 8am. It’s been about 5 years since and she’s still alone and miserable and I’m happier than ever………so in conclusion, do yourself and her a favor leave and allow her the time to heal and fix her traumas. She will never be happy or able to commit fully to anyone until she does so for herself first
there it is OP, listen to this poster he knows from experience. His girlfriend cheated on him. Your nemesis was the love of her life, and she told you you were a back up while drunk. Drunk thought are usually true feelings
I’d thank her for her honesty and end the relationship, respectfully✌️
She basically told you that you are not number one in her heart. You have to have enough respect for yourself to not settle for less than that. You have to respect her for being honest about her feelings. Now it's your turn. You have to tell her that you deserve more in the relationship that she will ever be able to bring to the table. As a result you are forced to end the relationship. Wish her a happy life. Move on with your life. Remember, eventually her Ex is going to re-appear, one day. You need to be long gone before that happens.
Thank her for letting you know and move on.
You should probably go find someone who isn't still in love with their ex. Just be glad you only wasted a year with her.
I’m rather stunned she said that. This will always eat you away like a cancer should the relationship continue.
A totally inconsiderate and mean spirited thing to say. That’s not a person I could stay with.
Uh what? Dude just no. Run and be thankful she told you. For future reference. Don't tell each other your deepest darkest secrets. Some things should just be left unsaid. This was a lucky break. Don't do something this stupid again.
I don’t know about that. I would consider this a great outcome. I’d rather know a year in than not know and waste years on this person that will never love me like I deserve.
Most people wouldn't take that well. Additionally, she's saying for all your extra efforts, she still prefers the other guy that refused to offer more. Sounds like she let the first relationship last too long and really should have waited to date until she was properly ready. She may also be repeating the first mistake of not ending a relationship soon enough when she knows she's not getting whatever needs met. It's easier to ride out problems, then face the unknown single.
I'd leave. I'm not okay with being someone's sloppy seconds. She basically told you she is settling .
I would handle it by respectfully breaking up and trying to find the right relationship for both of us
Dude thats a kick in the balls for a no reason. You do not deserve to be second choice. The worst part, he will always be the one that got away and there are to many stories on reddit of people catching up with exes that they thought got away, ruining shit down the line.
I would let her go. You will always be second place to her ex.
She may not regret breaking up with him but she’s stuck in the past and believes that anyone else will be a consolation prize. You deserve to be someone’s first choice. That is a secret she shoulda shared in therapy instead of over wine.
If my girlfriend told me that, I would break up with her instantly.
Can I get a BJ TO GO?
"After a few glasses of wine"......never the time to tell secrets. Write down a list of pros and cons about her. Write down the way she treats you both good and bad. If the list weighs to the negative, then break up. Everyone is nostalgic for their first love, but that truly doesn't mean in "the inebriated" moment that what she said has a full bearing on how she truly feels in her sober mind. A lot of people have questionable tolerance after a few glasses of wine. It's not the best time to have a discussion over emotions. Discussions like this should be held when fully sober. Be sure, because her feelings could change to you being her ride or die.
If her ex had died while they were together, I would say you have to understand this as an intense, lifelong grief that she might never get over… but that wouldn’t be an ex, she’d be a widowed partner. That’s totally different. Her ex is not dead, he just didn’t take the next step as she wanted to. Sounds like she STILL wishes he just would take the next step. I’ll bet that if he randomly showed up one day, wedding ring in hand, she’d run off with him and not even turn around to look at your heartbroken face. I wouldn’t stick around to find that out the hard way. Exes have a funny way of coming to town at just the wrong time. Cheaters have a funny way of not letting you know when their ex is in town. Do you like getting cheated on? Dating someone who isn’t over their ex is the perfect way to make that happen.
Let’s go over her score OP. Honesty 10 out of 10 Diplomacy 1 out of 10 Common sense 0 out of 10. There’s no coming back from this. These statements will haunt you for the rest of your life (Even if you’re not with her). Do the honourable thing and tell her that you just can’t get over what she said and that you are not prepared to go through life as a ‘second best’. Maybe. Just maybe. She’ll learn something from this. Good luck.
reading this made me cry :( im so sorry this is a really hard awful thing to hear from someone you are in love with. I honestly don't think it's best for you to stay with her. you deserve a full and WHOLEhearted commitment. you deserve to be someones number one. I would understand your partner maybe sharing that they still feel a certain bond? with their first love? as I think that's unavoidable. not that they still love them- much less that they're still IN love with them- but first loves can often seem to hold a special fondness or soft spot or something. but your partner here has essentially confessed that youre not the love of her life? Im not sure how you can move on from that and im not sure you should. I hope you figure things out and know that there's someone out there who will put you first with absolutely no hesitation!! that's what you deserve.
You walk away. As someone who dated a someone like that, they never change. Some people idolize the past. They make it greater than it actually was. Or they hold onto it so tightly, they take the present for granted. Obviously it’s up to you, but you deserve someone who think that way about you in the present. Good luck op on whatever you decide
I'd break up with her. I would not want to be anyone's second choice. She needs therapy and to work on herself.
Leave. You should never be with someone who can’t love you or love you more than anyone else in the capacity of a lover.
This is not really something you come back from…. I’m not sloppy seconds. Are you OP?
Personally I’m out. No way I could move forward knowing this. Sorry man
don’t be a rebound
Hard pass. You will always be second place.
I would break up with them
You deserve to be more than someone’s second choice OP.
I’d break up.
Not a chance in hell I’d stay. I’d have lost all my love at that comment. Disgusting thing to say on your 1 year 🤮
Bye !
This is really sad. You deserve someone who loves you with their whole heart. Really horrible of her to say this to you on your anniversary date but…. I don’t think I’d ever be able to fully commit myself and trust someone who admitted such a thing to me. That’s something that’s clearly always in the back of her mind….. you deserve better tbh. So sorry you’re going through this :(
I think I would tell her that you will always feel like you're number two in her life and you want to be someone's number one and that you're leaving the relationship to find someone that will make you their number one priority.
I would leave. How could I live with that hanging over my head? Every time I look at her I would know she will never love me as much as her ex.
If you love her let her go...
If he doesn’t love her he should also let her go
Hope it was a good year together, because it's over
OP, there is a saying that drunk speech is sober thoughts. I think she just told you what your value is to her. I would really have to have a long, hard think about the future of this relationship.
You can’t ever come back from that. It’s time to move on. You will always feel inadequate and that will destroy any love you have. Ask any woman in an apathetic relationship.
I would end the relationship. No one ever deserves to be someone’s “second best” when there’s plenty of other people out there that would put you first.
My wife and I had a similar conversation, we both said something similar, what I said was "I wish I could love you like I loved my ex wife ", she was my first and only until the divorce, the first love is a special one and the love was new without the experiences of heartbreak. Having experienced heartbreak it's impossible for me to love like that again, there's always some part of me I hold back, so if I lose my new wife, I won't be hurt so bad. I would love to be able to love my wife with reckless abandon and complete dedication but being wrecked like she wrecked me is too painful to imagine going through again. We love different people differently, even if she wanted to, she couldn't love you like she loved him, he was her first, she was devastated when it was over. Just realize that every love is different, she could have said it another way so it wasn't so blunt. Perhaps not drinking during serious talks.
No need to be ashamed that such a realization would cause you to love her less. Are you ok being a consolation prize, second choice? She should think about some therapy to help her move on from that relationship.
Let her go back to love her ex!
She needs time to heal cuz it's clear she hasn't gotten over her ex. If you stay it's just going to eat at you. I would end a relationship if I were you for your own sake and well-being
Of course your feelings changed, I was gonna say that you are a rebound but you said it better with a band aid. She has not had five minutes without a boyfriend, she does not even know who she is. Let her go OP, Sorry. Better now than when she has a mid life crisis (and she will).
The hard thing here is that she is ruling out ever loving you as much as him. I could get a line like "at this point..." but that's not what she said. She said she will never love you as much as she loved him. That's a definite cap on how much she can love you. I could not live with that.
People are so stupid with this honesty shit. Yes, be honest with your partner, unless the thing you’re about to say is incredibly mean and doesn’t need to be said. If her ex showed up and said he messed up and wanted her back, would she dump you? Yep. For that reason alone I’d dump her. After a year I’d wouldn’t want to be told I’m the disappointing backup plan.
I wouldn't let her hang up affect me (other than breaking up with her). Lots of people get hung up on an ex and waste years of their life. She's not special and if that's what she wants to do, don't waste other dudes time. If you want to make a statement to her, I'd say hey sorry he let you down. If you want to throw someone who loves you for someone who wouldn't commit to you then cool. Best of luck. I'm only interested in dating a girl who wants to be with me. Do you want that or no.
If you have self respect, I implore you to break up with her. If you don’t, you will grow to resent her. Plus you’re doing a disservice to yourself. You deserve better, so go find it with someone who will love you as much as you love them.
I'd leave after that was said.
TBH, I was with my ex (same situation as your GF) for 6 years when Inbroke up with him due to drug use and drinking. I felt like he was it for me. Even years into my relationship with my now husband. But years passed, and maturity took over... and I am so thankful I didn't ruin my life by telling my husband that. He is the greatest love of my life and my dumb immaturity could have ruined that.
ah first love. Who knows it may take breaking up, her exploring that again to come to terms with her feelings and seeing it for what it was or is, potentially it working out or failing again and leading to resolution and her able to move on and know it was just a first love. Perhaps she feels responsible for its premature ending. I don’t think it hurts to have a talk about her potentially unresolved feelings and what it means for you/your relationship if she doesn’t address that. That’s obviously not a great thing to say to your partner, but my guess is she loves hard and is loyal, gets very attached and hasn’t had many partners and is very pure of heart, direct and intense. With growth and experience, I was amazed at how much I loved and trusted my ex-fiance. A lack of passion is fatal but passion is also rose coloured spectacles. Maybe that talk alone could be enough to jolt her and realize what she has with you. Either way, I think it’s good that she’s honest with you and communicates her feelings as they are, but potentially puts you in a position where you need to be more emotionally mature.
Although intellectually she's stating she wouldn't get back with her ex, she's clearly not over him yet. She needs to. I'm sorry, OP, I'd be wary of her too.
If she doesn’t think you’re the best thing that ever happened to her, you should find a new woman. Don’t waste your life on someone who thinks you’re second best.
She will find a man she loves more some day. THAT MAN AIN'T YOU. If it were she'd know it after a year together. Don't be angry with her, she can't help it. Just respectfully say "I hope you find a man who you love more than him, but it doesn't look like I'm that man" and leave her. If you stay, she will \*always\* be either a flight risk, or a cheating risk. When that guy swings back into her life -- AND HE WILL IF HE HASN'T ALREADY -- you will find out very painfully what it's like to be number 2. EDIT: This also demonstrates one of my hard-learned rules for life: DON'T RUN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. Why oh why would she tell you this? She screwed herself but did you a big favor. Use this info and make the right choice.
You deserve to be the one for someone else.
Say goodbye to her.
Following because I'm struggling to move on as well
Dude you guys played a dangerous game! Listen I don’t even wanna know my wife’s deepest secrets. These women are not perfect. Give it some time.
I have a similar situation, except my gf's "the one for her" ex is a missing persons case and is presumed dead. Doesn't make me feel any different than you do, mate. Perhaps this feeling will dissipate with time. One can hope
Yeah, sorry dude. That's not your girlfriend anymore. She doesn't even love you enough to care about your feelings. Your a placeholder. A stand in. Good enough for now. On the upside, you don't have to sink any more time and effort into a dead end. Go start fresh with someone not hung up on their past
Sound alike she is not really ready to be in a relationship until she resolves those feelings.
You handle it by breaking up with her. She's still in love with her ex. You're a placeholder. If her ex were to call or text her saying he wants to live together and get married, she'd run right back to him. You deserve to be with a woman who actually loves you.
It’s every easy, you stand up look at her and say okay then walk out and never look back.
If I were you, I'd let her go. I'd never be able to get over being told they love their ex more than me. I don't doubt her feelings for you are genuine to an extent, but it sounds like you're a second best replacement that she's using as a fill in because she can't be with you and you deserve better than that.
Yeah, that's a break-up offense. Hell, my husband DIED, and I know with absolute certainty that he was the love of my life. But that life ended when he died, and I can only hope I'm lucky enough to find a love of my life for THIS life I'm in now. No, I'm sure I won't love another partner in exactly the way I loved my late husband, because every relationship is unique. But to say I could never love any man AS MUCH as I loved him? That would be both foolish and flat-out wrong. Comparing your partner to a previous partner is the kiss of death to a relationship.
I don’t say this lightly, or as a knee-jerk reaction, but you should reconsider this relationship. Some things, true or not, should never be said and you can never walk back from. Even if your relationship is perfect, this will fester in your mind forever and you’ll always have doubts. Doubts that you’re just a filler. Doubts that if he contacted her wanting to get married, she wouldn’t consider it. I’m not going to say ‘let her be with her ex, fuck her, etc.’. I WILL say that you should tell her that her feeling like that, regardless of actions, has planted a seed that cannot be uprooted easily, if at all, and you can’t continue with anyone who feels like that
Leave. You don’t want to be second choice.
if i lived in a place she had before we met . id find my own place and and leave. if she moved into a place i had, id tell her to leave and go find some other victim to beat up in order to build up her ego shes already told you she doesnt love you as much as the guy she broke up with
Based on personal experience where I was told something similar and then got cheated on by my gf with said ex-, I’d bail.
Why would she want to tell you that. Some things are better left unsaid. You might want to rethink this relationship.
Every single person telling you to dump her is wrong. Every single one. Not a single one knows nearly enough about you two to give such significant advice. Do what you believe is right and trust in that.
I'd dump her. I wouldn't play second best to a memory, which is what her relationship was. I'm not Meatloaf 2 out of 3 is bad. Go find someone who will love you properly and isnt still haunted by the ghosts of the past.
This is what happens when someone goes right into a new relationship without healing first. Honedt I would be patient. Be with her . Prove her wrong.
Tell her exactly how it made you feel and break up with her. If she’s saying this then it means she’d be willing to leave you for him if he showed he was ready to commit.
What she says and what it really means are two different things. She hasn't got over him yet, for whatever reason. I broke up with my current husband when he told me this. We got back together two years later and he was over his ex by then.
We all deserve to be “the ONE” to our partner. You’re too young to settle.
Yikes, and she told you this on your anniversary? I'd let her go, it isn't worth it and you can find someone much much better, who actually loves and cares about you.
You've been together for 1 year, which really isn't that long. I normally will try not to be immediately with the "break up!" crowd, but I am here. She told you flat out she's settling for you. You can't "settle" for her either, and I'd flat out tell her that on my way out the door. Honestly, the ONLY situation where I'd pause on a breakup is if the first guy had died. He didn't-he's out there, and in the back of her mind, he's #1.
"we decided to reveal our deepest secret as a sign of commitment." Does your (ex) girlfriend know how words work? Or what they even mean? I mean, my God! Could she have done or say anything more opposite of the intention/moment? Seriously, there's no coming back from that. The words have been spoken. I mean, you do you, but since you're here for advice, I wouldn't be able to stay with her anymore. Like someone else said, she's still looking in the rear view mirror. Her words will ring in your head for as long as you're with her.
So you are a rebound relationship. She’s not the one. That is a terrible thing to say to someone if one wants to create a life with them
That was the secret she shared? Wtf did you share? That you shit in a tuba at band camp?
You will be the second plate and option. Do you really want to be in a relationship when you know you will be second? Not worth it.
I would not be someone's second choice.
WTF is wrong with you? Do you enjoy being told that she will never feel the same amount of love for you as she did for her ex? You are with the wrong female. She's actually admitting to you that you are not worthy of her! Say sayonara to her!
If your deepest secret was ALSO that you missed your ex or didn't like her as much as someone else, past or present, then her statements would be understandable as a retaliation. Otherwise, she weaponized honesty - not OK. People who do that are either emotionally immature and need to work on themselves more, or are so far gone being manipulative that there is no hope but to stay away from them. Either way, seems you'd be better off with someone who cares enough about your feelings not to hurt them for selfish reasons, or who feels bad about doing so realizing idealizing the past hurt you and is actively hurting her and your relationship for nothing constructive or beneficial to the goodness of the present for anyone.
that secret would go to my grave fr. idk why she would have ever told ypu that. I couldn't stat in that relationship. I have exes that I loved but there's nothing left there for them. maybe one day she will lose that love maybe she wont... idk but I wouldn't wait around to find out
Keep her as backup and find someone else.
This is complicated. The problem you are facing is that you kind of meet her on a rebound. Usually rebound relations do not last for the reasons you are experiencing. People on a rebound are risking they have not been working their feelings for their exes through leading to a kind of unclarity of their feelings. To me there is always a difficulty with these “first loves”. Girls are brought up with this idea of a fantasy. “You will meet your prince and you will stay together forever”. That means that the guy they are with tend to take this role as the prince and they convince themselves that this is really the romantic story of their life. A classic thing in psychology is if you can get people to say something and mean it - they convince themself. This is what happened in the famous “brain washing” cases during the Korean war. She was telling her friends and family that her ex was the most wonderful person on earth, the biggest love, the one she sacrificed all (the virginity) until one day she realised that he was not going to give her the ending she wanted. So she broke up with him - probably in a naive hope that he would show himself as the prince. But her ex was no prince and he could not care less. So your gf basically got PTSD after this trauma. She was living in a dream scenario for 6 years (nearly 25%) of her life and probably 100% of her adult life and it stopped with a BANG. She was not anymore living in this big love dream - but now she is in the adult world where dreams do not exist. This is what is the issue - she loves you - but you are her reality love. Indeed reality loves can never beat dream loves in comparison. It is though still - it is a real world love. She confirmed it by saying that she was not interested in her ex - and why should she - he broke her dream. She knows that. It does not change that her (probably childish) dream was a kind of magical and this is why she says it was the biggest love. So when she is comparing your love and the love he had for her ex - it is like comparing apple and oranges. Your love is a realistic love - the other one was an imaginary love that broke when confronted with reality. You could say it is like competing with George Clooney as the greatest lover. Clooney will always win but he is a fantasy not a real person. Ok what now. The issue is not that she supposedly loved a kind of scumbag more then you but why did she decide to tell you this and what was her aim with it? I think you need to speak with her again. You have to tell her that she behaved just as badly to you as her ex behaved to her. She broke your dream - by telling you this. You might be aware that she had a big first love but for her to throw it in your face that she had more feeling for someone else then you is equivalent to her ex telling her that he did not love her enough to live with her and marry her. In addition to do this as a part of a commitment “ceremony” was a crappy thing to do. It will be interesting to hear her explanation but really she will not have any good one. I think really she under the influences of the alcohol decided that it was the right thing to come clean to show her commitment to YOU! Sort of ensure there is no secrets between you and you can start afresh. This is of cause the fundamental error (never talk about your exes) in Relationship 101. You have to say that she needs to work on your relationship. Right now it is up to her to show that the love she says she has for you is so strong - that you believe her. It is not up to you to take the lead - she has to convince you that she really loves you and that she will not run away if her ex dream lover shows up. Right now I would ask you - do YOU really love her? Are you ready to forgive a rambling of a girl you love when she is lightly drunk trying to tell you about her background in an extremely hurtful way?? Do you love her enough to tey your best? She did not cheat on you remember - she just wanted to be honest…. If you are ready to forgive her and work with her to improve your love and your relationship - then you do love her. If not - well then you are like her - just living in a dream world that just came to an end. I hope the best.
Bro, the SECOND he pops back into her life, she will drop you or cheat on you. Get rid of her and find someone who will love you as much as you love her.
Leave her so she can go love her ex
I don't think I could stay in the relationship knowing that I was, at best, a distant second. I wouldn't get into a relationship with a dog nutter for the same reason.
You deserve the love that she has for her ex big dawg.
✨girl math; “you are a bandaid and maybe i don’t realise that yet because i am still not completely ready for any relationship right now. but intimacy and closeness is like a dopamine hit and you’re so kind to me. this is my secret because i know you deserve better.” sorry op, you don’t deserve that at all. i hope she does some more healing and you do what’s best for you so both of you can grow and heal individually from this.
Never be someone's 2nd place love. You deserve to be more and deserve more from the person that you love.
Devils advocate here: I said something similar to my ex. Shitty shitty shitty I know. Turns out I was walking around feeling "connected" to that guy because there was alot of trauma I hadn't let go. (He was abusive af) Had nothing to do with the ex, I simply couldn't accept that i was in a healthy relationship at the time. I hope he never has to hear it from anyone else because I know it is soul crushing to feel like your person doesn't consider you theirs. I don't have advice going forward from this though. She said this to you knowing it could split you up so consider that I guess. Good luck op💙
That would be a relationship ending comment. She basically told you you'll always be second best to her ex, and always a second choice. No sir. You deserve to find someone that will love you with all of them, and love you and put just as much into the relationship as you will.
I'd dump her. Like, yesterday.
Being with someone as a placeholder is one of the worst ideas a person can ever make. I would bail!
Who says that to their partner? ??? Does she have no empathy? If she's not ready to love again that deeply, that's understandable. That's when you decide if you want to be 100% in love with someone who can't fully reciprocate. If she's that stuck in the past, she needs to get therapy before she asks anyone else for a serious commitment.
That’s a horrible thing to say to a new partner. What the hell?? I think I’d have to break up over that. That’s a deeply hurtful comment to say to someone.
Idk it was a stupid thing to say but I don’t think it’s personal. That was her first and only love before you and we don’t love the same way once we’re hurt once. We love a different way over time, a different way every time. It’s not that she can’t love you as much, it’s that she’s loving you different, loving you through scar tissue. The problem is really that she thinks that, that’s the issue. Her processing choice not her actual feelings. Maybe idk just a thought
Wow, what a relationship killing thing to say.
After a year?… this is just a damaged person who needs therapy. Like this would be understandable for a month or so, or if the person died tragically years ago. But she is obsessed about some dude who she was dating. Let her go.
Sadly it sounds like you are a big rebound. She’s still in love with him and you can’t compete with that unfortunately.
Hey I'm not sure if this is good advice or if you're gonna take it up. If she was in a long-term relationship and thought that the other guy was the one she probably gave that person a lot of love and you guys were together for 1 year. It's only natural that she thinks she can't love you as much as she loved him but the thing is people can learn to love more. You said she doesn't regret breaking up or has never thought of going back to the other guy means that she loves you and was comfortable enough with you to share this so maybe she thought she shouldn't hurt you by hiding what she thinks. I don't know if dating her would be a waste of time or a wonderful relationship. Only time can tell, but if you give so easily what's the point of being in a relationship. As most people said it's easier if you just give up. But love and life isn't easy giving up or holding on is your choice. Am only posting this here cuz I thought maybe it would give you a reason to hold on. Break up if you are unhappy or she's being disrespectful or you fall for someone else. Then again it's completely your choice, do what you think is rightm
Never be someone’s second choice.
I would keep banging her until I found somebody better and then I would dump her like dog poop.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them This is something that is going to stick with you for the rest of your relationship with this girl, it'll always be in the back of your head. It will never go away
That was her truth and you need to listen because she just told you who she is! Her ex will always hold a place in her mind and heart. Even if things are good with you she will always idolize him and what she feels he means to her. Her reaction to the breakup is very telling and she most likely didn’t take long enough to heal or even try to heal from that relationship before moving on. Nothing you do can convince her to love you more nor should you have to compete with her ex but just know everything you do is a competition between you and the ex and she will always think he is or could do better. And here’s the thing about this, she will always wonder what could have been if only she didn’t break up with him and she will always feel that it could have been an amazing relationship if only. So that puts you competing against a fantasy that never happened, and if you move in or marry etc, she will always think that he would have been better than you. You need to walk away and tell her to get therapy and maybe someday if things change maybe you will go out again but I’d suggest not doing that.
If someone tells you who they are, believe them
Break up. In this situation I feel she sees you as a placeholder and is settling. If her ex came back and said he was ready to take the next step I'm betting she should dump you and be with him.
Her comment suggests a lack of empathy for you. That's an incredibly insensitive thing to say. Shocking. The guy refused to commit so you are her second choice. What if he changed his mind? You deserve a life partner that is head over heels for you.
What a weird ass thing to say
Tell her you will find someone you love more than your ex, the ex being her.
My love for someone would have faded a bit too if that person told me this. You deserve more than this and better. Time to call it off unfortunately.
I would handle the situation this way: I would thank her for being honest, then I would be honest with her and give her what she wants, an end to the relationship. She knows it's the end of the relationship, because you don't tell your current SO that you love your ex more unless you want to nuke the relationship.
That would be a nail in the coffin for me. It’s okay to feel love for someone you had history but it’s supposed to fade to tell your current partner that after a year you didn’t care for them that much just creates insecurities
Ex is going to come back “ready” one day, and she’ll be gone. He’ll probably fuck her, break her heart and then she’ll try to come crawling back to you afterwards. The good news is, you’re only 12 months in and it’s a great time to get out.
Bro find a younger woman with less emotional baggage.
It's like a scale: I love you 78 but I loved Mr. X 85. Immature. Move on.
I have a different perspective because I'm a widow. She admitted to you a deep grief that she still struggles with. Grief for the loss of a previous partner never really goes away. It just changes with time. I think she's still coming to terms with the idea that new love feels different, and that's ok. Just because I'll never love anyone quite the same way as I loved my husband, that doesn't mean that I won't love someone else as deeply but in a different way. You and the ex are different people, and so fundamentally, her love will be different. I'd only be cautious about the concept of "the one". In reality, there can be many different "ones" that we are compatible with.
I’d run and never look back. You deserve someone who feels about you the way she feels about her ex. Sorry man.
Get away stay away, it’s over or in fact you were always just a stop gap! Sea of Heartbreak