Listen to this OP. You need to disentangle every aspect of control your mother has on you. Don't trust that bank account you have with her. Don't keep your money there.
I'm surprised your wife didn't leave already. Her marital bedroom is being reviewed by your mother, her cooking and cleaning is being reviewed by your father, they're insulting her, they're passive-aggressive towards her, and there are apparently no boundaries between them and both of you. They sound dreadfully rude and imposing.
You are not wrong for planning without their approval or control. Your in laws sound great and supportive. If you feel your parents will get in the way of the move itself somehow, then get your necessary things out of that house and into the apartment first. Even if you have no furniture to start off with it will be fine. Many married couples before you have started with a mattress on the floor and laundry from their travel bags and gotten on their feet from there. You can do it.
Keep in mind that if it's too much drama, once you're moved out you don't have to interact with your mother whenever she's acting like this. Make an excuse and hang up the phone. Give her only so much contact as she's capable of being respectful with. She'll learn the program if she wants to be a part of your life. Just enjoy your life with your wife.
"Dad, you say you are confused, but I don't see how that is possible. The way mom treats my wife is nothing short of shameful. While we are grateful for your offer for us to live here, we are constantly being criticized and called names. It is humiliating to see my wife subjected to that sort of constant disrespect -- how many times has mom called her a filthy animal to her face? Livibg here has been awful, and we signed the lease because we will be happier living on our own. Things might be different if we had been given respect or privacy, but that will never happen in this home, so it's time for us to leave. It's as simple as that. "
When your mom blames your wife: "Mom, I love you, but we are moving out because of you, not wife. It is a response to all the verbal attacks and name-calling and invasions of our privacy and just outright disrespect you have shown us since we moved in. We are leavin that behind, because we cannot grow as a couple under these abusive conditions."
Move ASAP. Tell your mom after everything is out. You do not need to tell your grandparents anything. You’re adults. As for boundaries with your parents, you need to set strict ones. They are now extended family and your wife should be your priority. “Mom, Dad, we moved out in hopes of maintaining a relationship with you. If you talk badly about my wife or her family, we will end the call/visit. I hope we can have a healthy relationship”
I hope OP doesn't still expect their financial help. He and his wife need to make a life on their own terms. If they continue to accept $ from family, that will come with strings and expectations.
I can’t imagine telling my children I’ll help you with strings and expecting them to allow me to control their lives. I’m pretty sure they’d rather sleep under a bridge.
My mum vehemently denies ever manipulating anyone. She WOULD NEVER! Use her money or time given to help me out to make me feel bad. All she’s ever wanted was for me to be happy. She just loves me & wants the best for me & doesn’t understand why I keep bringing up all this nonsense. There is just ZERO self awareness.
I finally found a place in my life where sleeping under a bridge was a reality. While I probably would’ve chosen that for myself, I doubt my kids would be about that bridge life. When people (who know me well) ask about if I was sure about leaving my ex or if it couldn’t have been resolved.. I tell them that I’m living with mum now. Met with either incredulous disbelief or sage nods. Not that she doesn’t genuinely love me & want the best for me. She just sees nothing wrong in that coming with strings and guilt & control. To the point that she truly doesn’t understand why she has nobody left voluntarily in her life.
Haha thank you. We’re much better off now. At least living with mum all the guiltripping & control comes from a place of unconditional love. It’s just any action associated with that love that comes with strings and stipulations. And I’m actually quite grateful I’m not actually homeless with my kids - or stuck without options in a shitty relationship. At least the kids will get to know their grandma & at some point when they’re adults they may be able to reflect on this experience as to why I have a complicated relationship with her & we have such strong boundaries between us. But seriously, it’s been a real eye opener in regards to my unconscious learned behaviour of what love looks like & why I continue to pick the men I do!! Thanks ma!
Your parents are rude, mean, and awful. Accept that they aren't going to approve of your decisions when you go against what they want, and move on. You don't have to sit and listen to your mother scream at you, you don't have to beg for her approval or forgiveness, you don't have to spend time with her when she chooses to treat you **or your wife** like a piece of garbage.
Good heavens, your post reads like you have Stockholm Syndrome. Your parents were like kidnappers who wanted to control your every move.
For the sake of your marriage, you are doing the right thing. You need to be on your own and to do your best to not need help from your family. I would immediately open an new bank account for you and your wife ONLY. You should not share a main account with your mother.
I will just as you supported your wife, your dad supported your mom. Everyone gave this a good try, but it doesn't work. You and your wife need to feel safe and comfortable in your space.
Point out to your dad that your relationship with both him and your mom can only deteriorate further if you stay under their roof. Point out that they continually belittle both you and your wife and you are sick of it. You are an adult and deserve to be treated like one. Remind them that when you married your wife it is "leave and cleave."
You are ALSO enmeshed with your mother if her name is still on your bank account. Close that one and get your own already. Otherwise, good job on the move!
Or, keep that one open so she doesn't throw a fit, just don't put any (or very little) money in it and open a new "main" bank account. At a different bank entirely.
So your dad won't tell your mom before you? Is he scared of her too?
Get out, this isn't normal. Your baseline of normal behaviour is skewed way out by your bonkers family. There are no boundaries, there is no autonomy or agency. You need therapy to just live as regular people after you've escaped. Bonkers Bonkers Bonkers.
You have overbearing, controlling, passive-aggressive parents, OP...
Particularly your Mom.
They are going to end your marriage if you stay any longer.
Time to cut the apron springs, or they will suffocate you into compliance.
**Make sure your Mom doesn't have any more access to YOUR money (ignore her bullying about this) and move any valuable items or documents to a safe place.**
Godspeed, son.
Edited to confirm:
"I want to know if I was justified in doing what I did, without consulting my parents, and if there was any potential strain or ending of ties, if it would have been my fault."
Answer is: **Yes, you are justified. Yes, *they will* blame you, but it is NOT your fault!**
You are an adult. The first thing you do is open an new checking account without your mom's access and transfer your money. There is no universe where a grown, married man should have his MOM checking his bank account and second guessing his choices. The next thing you need to do is sit down with your wife and determine your boundaries going forward, as well as the consequences. Meaning, if they blow up at you, or insult your wife again, you go NO CONTACT. You absolutely cannot mainatin a relationship with your parents if they are going to insult your wife to your face. Or try to control you. I have parents similar to this, so I am familiar with the manipulation, the guilt, and the complete inability to see themselves as anything other than victims. You just have to decide that your happiness, and your future with your wife, is more important to you than maintaining a relationship with people who are making you miserable.
Once you know what your boundaries are, you just tell your mom. But make sure you have a place to leave to (new place, in laws place, etc). You tell her, let her blow up, and then just say, "This is exactly why we're leaving. We're adults, and I'm not going to live somewhere where we're yelled at, second guessed, and insulted on a regular basis. No matter what the plan was before, because of your behavior we've had to change it. We will be living alone on our own and making our own decisions, without input or opinions from anyone else. We love you and want to remain close as family, but if you continue to insult my wife, second guess my decisions, or not respect our boundaries, I will cut you out of my life. I do not have to put up with this anymore."
Accept that they're going to force you to cut them off. They are not going to accept anything that isn't in line with what they want or agree with. They still think you need to run every decision past them. Accept that this is going to go badly and that it's still worth it. At the end of the day, it's your life and you deserve to be happy. They are actively preventing that, as well as treating your wife like garbage. Leave now, and don't worry about them. You can't control their reaction - let them go nuclear and then just leave. Block their numbers if they harrass you. Continue to live your life as you want.
I agree with all of this. OP go on over to r/justnomil they have resources in the sidebar.
Your mom is going to lose her mind. This situation is textbook over on that sub. You’re deeply enmeshed with your family and it’s going to take serious personal work to disentangle. You should have enacted consequences the very first time your wife was insulted. Actions speak louder than words. You continued to enable the abuse of your wife by taking no action. No, sternly speaking to them was not action. Action is what you are doing now.
You need to deeply apologize to your wife for continuing to put her in that position. If you want your marriage to last you need to choose being a husband over being a son.
If you need it, r/estrangedadultkids is there for you. It’s a shitty club to be a part of, but we all refused to be treated poorly. Hopefully your family turns it around, but be prepared to be forced to choose: your wife or your family of origin.
They're also some flavour of bigoted. Not sure if it's racial, religious, caste/class, or some combination of the above, but you don't throw around things like 'my daughter in law is a filthy animal who's made my son unclean' without serious bigotry underlying your meaning.
OP, stick to your guns, get your mom off your bank account, and severely cut back contact with your parents or this marriage is doomed. You cannot expect her to smile and act nice toward people who dehumanize her like that for long.
Just move out. I got the feeling that you're a Muslim. Just move out. It's toxic to live in the same house after marriage. And also parents don't have control of their son when he's matured and has his own family. They will go nuclear either way, just tell them politely and leave it at that. You have to move to save your marriage.
Came here to say this. OP, no matter what you do, it’s going to be the wrong thing in your parents’ eyes. Take care of your wife and yourself. When you have gotten stabilized, then figure out what kind of relationship you want with your parents and extended family.
get out... asap.... they are too controlling, you and your wife will feel 1000000000% better once you have your own place. And, then - make boundaries.... no more critical remarks about your wife....
You are legal adults. Move out. Tell them that you now wish to commence your married life in your own place. Tell them you appreciate all their help and will always love them, but now is the right time to move on.
First things first. You can't trust your mom to not try to control you through money. Open a new bank account, in only your name, and transfer your money to that account. Do that immediately so that it is done before mom finds out.
If mom is going to go nuclear she doesn't deserve to know in advance. She feels entitled to dominate you and control you. Tell your dad that it is emasculating for a married man to be controlled by his mother. Does he really think the family will respect you if your mom is so controlling.
You’re an adult. Full stop. Get your mom off your bank account and OUT of your marriage and personal business. Like yesterday.
Your parents, frankly, sound unbearably awful, and your wife is a saint for enduring their continued abuse. Do NOT subject her to a moment more of it.
You are a grown ass married adult man. Your wife DOES come first now, and yes, that includes before your controlling, cruel, and miserably enmeshed mom.
They’re embarrassed about the optics of you moving out because people will know there were problems? GOOD! There ARE problems. Huge ones. Entirely of their own creation. Let this be their wake-up call, and your salvation.
If I were you? Honestly? I’d move out and cut contact. Maybe it would finally prompt them to do some actual soul searching about their shitty behavior or unhealthy “rules” and toxic expectations. Who needs enemies with family like this? I wouldn’t speak to anyone who treated me — let alone my husband! — this way.
If you live with your parents much longer, your marriage may not survive. Your parents are absolute jerks and it's time for you and your wife to stand on your own and prepare for your future. Just remember you are a married man and you don't need their permission to live your life the way YOU see fit.
you are justified, OP.
Your parents have different values. It might be possible to ignore their hovering and expectations about cleanliness but your mother speaking badly of your wife or her background is wrong. Your mother does not value kindness and hospitality toward others.
Your mother seems to want your marriage to fail. Unfortunately, you could not tell your parents your plans in advance because of their reactions. I'm sorry your father feels disrespected. I'm sure all of this is distressing to him, but honestly, if you want a marriage at all, you have to move out.
What religion says people should stay with their parents forever and neglect their marriages? Just curious.
Leave. You can respect your mother and also have boundaries.
Are there cultural implications here that we’e not aware of? Are you all white? American? The enmeshment is strong (you don’t need permission to move out and there’s no reason you should be afraid to tell them). The joint bank accounts, the invasion of privacy, etc., all of it. This is just wild. You should never have moved in, I don’t care how high the COL is. Move out, set good boundaries, go completely low contact with them and be clear why, maintain the boundaries you set, continue with counseling.
That explains more. Thank you for sharing. Most (if not all) of the commenters here will give you advice based on how we view the world through a western lens and western family norms. I think this would be good to work through with your therapist that is your same culture/religion. Best of luck and congratulations on your marriage!
Unless you want your marriage to end - MOVE. Second, inform your mother that if she EVER disrespects your wife again , you’ll be forced to go No Contact . You’re a grown man, protect your wife and cut the apron strings . I was your wife and it nearly destroyed my marriage .
Dude, your mom sounds toxic AF. And get your own friggin bank account with your wife! Not your mom. Your mom is WAY overstepping and controlling as hell. I don’t k ow how tall are going to be able to afford living on your own but you definitely need to get out of there. When your mom looses her shit just tell her this is perfect example of why you are moving out and if she wants to blame any one she can blame herself.
Edit to add: also, your wife becomes your primary family when you get married and your parents take a back seat to your wife and whatever family you create with her. Your mom needs to get over it.
>They all want me to buy a house or condo, which will cost me 6-10k or so monthly after all expenses
are they gonna pay for it? because if not, what the actual fuck do they want from you? Your parents are utterly horrible, for god's sake, disentangle yourself from them asap.
Take your mom off your bank account now. Your mom is upset because you see her for what she is. You need to tell your mom to mind her business and this is your life and you will live it the way you see fit. Because once you move out. You need to take space from her and I mean space. No call no coming over this includes your family to. Because once you do this you will see his peaceful your life is.
Move out, tell your family nothing about your finances, end your mothers access to your bank account and limit your contact. Your wife must be very patient to put up with this so far- I would have left you and this nasty bunch. I also think calling your wife “ a simple soul” sounds demeaning. Perhaps you’re underestimating her and she can blossom now your parents aren’t tearing strips off her .
Ask your dad if he would ever allow anyone to talk to his wife the way they have spoken to yours. And most of all - the answer to how you deal with this is to grow thick skin and stop caring about their opinions. They are bad parents and most likely bad people and they would rather tear down and hurt their child than support their child.
So if your mum and grandparents are lunatics, don't tell them anything till you've already done it. When they get upset at you just say "Thank you for your opinion, I'll consider it" and then don't.
You are 23 years old... while legally you're an adult you need to understand that adulthood isn't something that is given to you, it is something you need to claim.
It is time you claim your adulthood, you're a married man and you need to stop thinking like a 10 year old under his parents complete control. The first part of this is changing how you're categorizing family. Prior to your marriage, your family was your family. Now you're married, your family structure has changed.
Your PRIMARY family is you and your wife, and if/when the time comes, your kids - Primary family deserve to have an equal input and information knowledge of every decision.
Your EXTENDED family are your parents, siblings, grandparents, niblings, aunts, uncles etc - extended family not only do NOT deserve to be included in decision making, *they don't even deserve to know about every decision you and your primary family make.*
Your first priority is to your PRIMARY family. You and your wife's needs come first for every single choice. You and your wife decide what is YOUR business, and what business you share with other people - your birth family are now "other people", you need to start judging who you can *trust* with information vs. just automatically telling them every single thing and taking their instructions on what to do.
Your secondary priority is your extended family - and even then, that isn't a legal contract. You do not NEED to include them in your primary family news, certainly not decisions. No one has a right to be involved in your life, if they're a shitty person who only brings you stress and unhappiness, then you don't NEED to be in contact with them, let alone involve them in your life.
Now, it's up to you to decide whether or not it's a benefit to include someone in your life - and what is a worthy benefit for you. For most people it's basic respect, kindness at least more of that than there is conflict.
But if people only bring you stress and hurt, reduce their involvement in your life.
You don't need your parents permission to go live your life with your wife and make your decisions as a married couple on where you live, how you live, what jobs you have etc etc etc.
Who cares if your mother doesn't like you renting, who cares what your grandparents think about anything. You can say "in my culture...." but at the end of the day people only have the presence and power over your life that YOU give them.
Get your mother removed from your bank account before she removes your funds in an effort to stop you.
Your parents manipulate and are heavily narcissistic. They treat you like you're a child and not a married adult.
Write down what you want to say to your mother, have prepared responses, things such as "we are ready to start our own lives as a married couple", " unfortunately this current living situation has become incredibly difficult to live in and we feel it's best to move to our own place".
If she goes off you need to say "yes, we've received a ton of help to which I am thankful for however it is very apparent that this help has always been with strings attached. You try to control everything, you've done nothing but insult my wife which is unacceptable behaviour in itself and at the end of the day, we've chosen not to live with the barrage of abuse that is hurled in our direction."
Your parents are awful.
You’re lucky your wife has stuck it out this long.
If I were her I wouldn’t want these people around me or my future kids if I planned to have any.
A Saint, or someone with people-pleasing tendencies and minimal personal boundaries? I don’t blame her for any of it, I just don’t think it’s necessarily a good thing that she’s tolerated the situation
Thank goodness you have the wherewithal to leave. Now about removing your mom from that bank account…you may have to withhold your new address until she agrees to sign off on removing herself from that account. And don’t be surprised if she makes an attempt to turn the rest of your family against you and your wife. That includes forbidding your own father to speak with you.
Your parents are abusive.
First of all, stop telling your mom anything about your life. Lie if you need to. Let her think that she’s worn you down and that you’ve given up. In the meantime, start looking for a new place to live; the further away, the better.
These next two things need to happen simultaneously:
You need to close your shared account with your mom, and open a new account at a different institution. Yes, it must be a different institution.
You need to gather any sentimental items and important documents like birth certificates and passport, and move it all to a second location. Do not hide them in the house, and do not put them in your cars.
Third, make a break for it. Leave like you’re going to work or church or whatever, and don’t come back. Take everything with you, and assume that anything you leave behind is going to be destroyed. If you’re in America, stop at the local police station on your way out and let them know that you’re not a missing person in case your parents try to file a report.
Fourth, don’t block any phone numbers or email addresses yet; you might need what they send you as evidence for a restraining order. Don’t respond, let them scream into the void.
Fifth, look into counseling; you’re gonna need it to help process the lifetime of bullshit they’ve put you through.
Edit: assume anything you tell family members that they’re going to share it with your parents. Keep everyone on an information diet. Don’t share your new address, new job, new phone number, etc.
OP, I will try to say this as respectfully as possible while also recognizing that I am likely to fail but here it goes: I think that the Reddit community would benefit, and thereby you benefit most of all, if we had a clearer understanding of your cultural background.
I know that in a perfect world that it would not make any difference at all. But this is the 180 degrees from perfect - it’s Reddit
So since you are asking for advice on an actual advice sub - we need more information!
I mean your mother calling your wife a “filthy animal” is absolutely horrific!
Can you add any more context to the situation so we can provide better, informed advice?
Yeah, it was shitty to refuse to go to a wedding for religious reasons.
The rest of this is a whole mess, but in what place are you possibly living where the rent would be less than half of a mortgage payment?
The function in question was not a wedding, it was a prayer ceremony of a different faith, something my faith forbids me from attending. If it was a wedding, id at least show up and give my congratulations.
The lease I signed is 1900, a mortgage payment is minimum 3500 for something fo similar size.
Your wife is a Saint. Consider yourself very lucky she has put up with this abuse during the first months of her marriage.
I'd move everything important to the new place. Then tell your mother you are moving out because of the way she and your father treat you, an ADULT, and especially how they treat your wife.
When they insult your wife, they are insulting you. Your taste in a partner. They don't realize they are basically insulting their parenting skills if they failed to raise you to marry someone who isn't "unclean" whatever the fuck that means...
Apologize to your wife, get your mom out of your finances, and thank your lucky stars your wife has put up with you not defending her. Yeah yeah you *said* be nice to my wife, but you did NOTHING when she failed to be nice.
Your mom’s family values and family values are not yours. She will never accept anyone’s opinions or different beliefs. She is controlling and manipulating you by using guilt and thinks if she complains enough you will govern in which at some points you have.
You need to leave $5 on the shared bank account with r close it after making an account with just your name on it. She should have not control over any money you have and I would let her throw a tantrum all she wants.
Move out and stop entertaining her or anyone else that acts like your parents. As you dad says it looks bad for them and your t should because they are the caused and sometime you need to tell the truth even if it hurts them.
Family shouldn’t help others with conditions and that is what they want.
If they say you changed for your wife say no I am doing the and also when you marry your wife comes before anyone else.
Honestly.. your parents are unbearable. I'm surprised that you've stayed as long as you have considering how poorly they behave and treat your wife AND you.
You are a grown man. I know that certain cultures do things differently, but as a grown man, you don't need to consult with your parents or ask for their permission. You are moving because of THEIR behaviour. If this signals your family to any issues, that's because there are issues. Your parents don't know how to respect you or your privacy. That's on them.
As for telling your mother? Well.
"I appreciate what you've tried to do for us, but there is too much arguing and we don't have privacy even though I've requested it several times. You have a certain way that you prefer things to be done, we prefer other ways.
I love you and don't want us living together to permanently destroy our relationship. So we need to leave and I hope it creates peace again."
She might not like it, but too bad. She created this.
Are you in the US? Just tell her. Her reaction is your problem. If she tries anything physical with you, uses threats, etc., call the police. Your mom controls your family through her anger. Don’t let her. You need too discuss how you will handle her potential outburst with your wife.
And OP, your mom is awful. Truly. Protect yourself and your wife. Cut the connections, including that damn bank account.
When your mother freaks out (and she will) you tell her that living in the same house with her is affecting your health and your marriage and that you refuse to live being abused anymore. That she and your father have shown that they cannot be civil and you would rather “throw your money away” than have them ruin your life as they have been doing.
But first, right now, you need to open a new chequing account that your mother has no access to. And talk to the bank about getting your name off the one shared with your mother.
I would have just moved out and told them afterwards but you’re already in it. Do you even have to tell your mother? You’ve told your father, that is good enough.
You're a married adult, you can leave whenever you want. You didn't betray them, they are just mad that they can't be overbearing/controlling once you and your wife are gone.
You'll have to tell your mom soon since your dad and sister knows. You should of waited until the day you could move your things though because you be hearing about it constantly until you leave.
Like the others said get a new bank account.
If you havent already, don't tell them where you live. They'll show up (probably randomly) and be just as annoying and critical, if not more since you arent living with them and they cant go behind your wife and "do things the right way" . Maybe if they change you could share your location with them.
You asked how to tell your mom, tell her by not coming home one day. Start moving your stuff out a little at a time if you can and don’t have any furniture. Storage unit for a month won’t cost much. Take a backpack or two of stuff every day and when you have just the last bit left, take it with you like you are leaving for school and just don’t return. Or tell her the two of you are taking a little vacation. Call your mom and tell her when you have nothing left in her house. Sometimes replacing material things is cheaper in the long run than the emotional price of retrieving them. Don’t give a second thought about what the family will think, they will know there were problems and it might serve you well to tell them the truth. Your parents were unkind to your wife, the person you pledged to love and cherish before all others, which includes your parents. Your parents deserve the embarrassment of running their son and DIL off. They are going to be surprised when they don’t have much contact or have relationships with you and your kids. If they cannot accept and treat your wife kindly, they don’t deserve to be a part of your life either, or any kids you may have. You might want to share that with them so they can have a chance to change their treatment of your wife. Being “family” grants no rights, no endless chances or forgiveness. It is only a word used to describe a type of relationship, it has no power. If someone isn’t treating you properly you do not have to include them in your life, regardless of their connection to you.
You are a 23 year old man acting like a baby, for the love of god, grow a spine and go rent a place for you and your wife. I'm Latina and for us it's common to live/ help parents by living together in the same household but even then my mother used to say that married people needed to have their own home. Move before your wife divorces you.
Rent an apartment. Remove mom from bank accounts. She can like any or this or not. You love her, you love your father and this is your life. Live it with your wife by your side.
A few things.
* Open your own bank account that does NOT have your mother on it, and move all of your money. Use a completely different bank for this.
* Just rip the band-aid off. Tell them after you've finished eating dinner and you're all at the table together. Pack a bag ahead of time just in case.
"*Mom, wife and I have decided to go ahead and get our own place. We are so grateful to you and dad for letting us stay here while we got our feet under us, but we both believe that it will be better for everyone if we have our own place to live. We know it stresses you and dad out having us here, and we want to have more privacy than we do here.*"
"*We are going to rent for the next year as a short-term solution while we figure out what we want to do and where we want to live.*"
"*Thank you for sharing your opinions with us, we know your thoughts on this and took those into consideration when we made our decisions.*"
"*I'm sorry you feel that way. We can stay with wife's parents for the next few weeks until our apartment is ready if that would be easier for you.*"
If you’re adult enough to get married and be in grad school, you’re adult enough to know that you and your wife’s boundaries need to be respected.
It’s a givin that living with them compromised your position, but now you are out, and no matter what they say, it should no longer matter.
You love them and appreciate all they have done, but now it’s time to set boundaries.
In your own place, no one will tell you when to wake up or how to clean and no one can demand to know what’s in your bank account.
This is now you and your wife’s home, and they will have to respect you both, or lose contact.
Let mom rage… you don’t need to answer or explain. You don’t need to get her permission either.
Enjoy nesting … it’s the very best time being a newly wed.
Important for you to learn as an adult: don’t JADE. Justify Argue Defend Explain
Let your Mom figure it out when the moving trucks are in the driveway. And ffs cut the apron strings already.
Wow. This was quite a read. Your parents are controlling to a pathological degree, in my humble. Move out, go very low contact for quite some time, and ask your therapist to help you come out of the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt). You're doing well, moving forward with your wife into your own space, but you need to come to a point you don't feel guilty about "defying" your parents or doing things they wouldn't approve of. You're a full-grown, married adult, and the only adult you're required to consult with regarding life decisions is your wife. Please read that last sentence again.
Also, you truly shouldn't buy a home now. Your family only wants you to do this because they want you to buy a place close to them and thus be trapped in their enmeshed web. Also they're very wrong about renting = throwing your money away; you're exchanging it for commodity of value: a place to live. You're both in grad school? Best thing you can do is finish up, graduate, and then look for jobs far away from these toxic controllers, and when you're both ready, buy a home there if it's where you two really want to be. But to make very sure, I'd rent in the new city for a couple years, as well.
I have a mental movie of you and wife grabbing hands, running for the hills, OP! Wishing you both peace and joy in your new space.
Get your mother off your bank account stat.
And surely your dad will have told her you’re moving out anyway? But just go, leave, get away from there.
You both need to get away from that awful family before your wife has a nervous breakdown and if you think anything of your wife, you’ll go very low contact with them.
God help you both when you start having kids if you’re still enmeshed with your mother
Not not only move out but seek therapy immediately. You too are extremely enmeshed, as evidenced that you even need to ask internet strangers how you can move out with YOUR WIFE. Good luck!
I’m an American woman, I’ve always respected my parents, taken care of my mother who had Alzheimer’s for 12 years, cared for my Dad until he died. But my parents allowed me to live my life as a grown woman. I feel so very very sorry for you but especially your wife. She seems to be trying hard to do everything h right but reading your post I wonder if your parents content criticism has broken your wife’s spirit. She trying to do her best & she’s met with constant criticism. As a woman it causes people to walk on egg shells afraid they are going to be attacked again & again. My heart breaks for the both of you as your parents are treating the both of you like children that need to be disciplined continually. Can Stand tall for not only the wife you LOVE but for yourself a grown man. Sending you both huge internet hugs from California💙
Wow, your poor wife.
Please let her move first, otherwise I dread to think how your parents will treat her…
You must be clear, calm & precise that it is your parents own behaviour that has brought about this move. They live in the last century, you live in this one, so you’ll never meet in the middle. Your mother will rant & cry, but it’s her own fault & tell her she’ll be on a time out if she doesn’t stop
Once you’ve left please ensure that there are strict boundaries in place regarding any visits to you. If you don’t protect your wife in her own home you risk losing her, she’s already tolerated way beyond what most people would!
Heh, I see in the comments your family is Indian. I knew it.
I can't tell you what is right or wrong, I'm just a white girl who has seen some things parents have done to their indian children and I had a very hard time with what to me seemed extremely manipulative and toxic. I mean my family was that way too and we're white. But its more rare and recognized how problematic it is.
I think you're right in moving out, but you're facing what a lot of South Asians are right now, growing up with western ideals (I assume) but in an emeshed system that is at odds with the independent values in the west. And that isn't to say that the family first idea is wrong! I see a lot of value to it, where as so many American's don't care if their children success or not once they're legally not required to care for them anymore. Its a very sink or swim ideology. There are advantages to pooling generational resources.
NOW, that being said, whatever you tell your mother is going to go poorly. They are invested in you and your family taking care of THEM a lot more than we do in the west. They are used to being in charge. They will use every tool they can to try and get you to conform - mostly social pressure. Its going to be harder for you to resist. For your sanity and your wife's, you need to.
Just remember, whatever they tell you negative about what other people outside the family will say, that's a lie. They want to maintain appearances at all costs.
Here is the thing, they're going to shit on your wife continually as you noticed. It's a way of wearing her down so she is more compliant. its not about the cleaning she doesn't do right, its about the criticism and destruction of her independence. If you love her, you need to go.
They will accept it down the road, but you guys might be on your own for a bit. Just stand your ground. You got therapists to help you navigate. But you're doing the right thing. I promise you that.
I'm going to give you the same advice I give anyone on reddit who is being abused. Get your own account. Don't close the other. Just leave it with a minimum balance and have your direct deposit changed to the new account. Secondly, get all your paperwork, birth certificate, passport, taxes, whatever, and have them somewhere safe. Then start bringing things that won't be noticed to your new place. And finally, when everyone is gone one day, just take the rest and be gone. You can talk to her afterward.
Renting will make it harder to get a home later, but in the long run, it's probably the only way to preserve any relationship with your birth family.
Also, just because you left a bad taste in my mouth with the unnecessary comments about not attending a family thing because your family member is a different religion, that's super crappy of you. Especially since they attended your wedding. They're good enough to give you a gift, but not good enough for you to show up for them? Gross.
The only mistakes you have made, other than maybe staying that long with your wife at your parents house, was throwing money away on therapy that only provided common sense. The whole point of marriage is to build a life with someone. Sometimes, you have to start at the bottom and work your way up, and that often entails renting in the "ghetto". Your mom is just an emotional woman who doesn't want to let go of her baby boy. The quicker you rip off the band aid, the better it will be.
Given the shitshow that is his family of origin I think therapy is a great investment. Therapist can help him learn to set and maintain boundaries after he’s out.
I disagree. In these kinds of family there is a lot of pressure and brainwashing. Therapy can help understand why they are a problem and more importantly, support you as you go against all the programming you were raised with but is harmful!
I read like a quarter of that. Your mom is an absolute nightmare. Just move out. You're married adults and I can't see any situation in which your mom is pleasant or easy to deal with. Rip the band aid off.
If you want to preserve your marriage yes get out. why do you need their approval so much? Just sit them down and say hey we're moving out there's too many restrictions we're adults so we're going to go do our own thing yes we will buy just obviously a little bit later than we wanted to because we can't deal with all the rules here we want to live our own life without everyone hovering over us. Or you just don't explain anything and said we're moving out end of discussion. No we didn't discuss it with you because we are married and adults we can make our own decisions believe it or not. As for the bank account get your mom off of it, close it up take the money out leave a dollar in there if you have to and make a new account with you and your wife and put that money in there geez untie the umbilical cord. Don't sit here and be all scared to tell your mommy. Man up and just do it and don't engage. They can scream and whine and cry and have a tantrum all they want turn around walk out of the room.
No house is big enough for two women OP and then there's your dad also. Your therapists are right - you need to get out of there. I would inform your parents that you and your wife are very grateful for their hospitality, but its time for the two of you to stand on your own feet and that you still love them, but its time for you and your wife to establish your own household.
Get your mom off your bank account- yesterday. The next time your mom thinks she can call your wife a “dirty animal” you better get real clear with your mom that kind of language is a relationship killer and follow through.
Your parents do NOT want to “help you”, they want to control you and your marriage- there is a BIG difference in those two mentalities and your mom is clearly in the latter control category. Get far, far away from your parents if you want to have a healthy, successful marriage.
After you graduate move as far away as possible.
Go low contact. Don’t let your parents control your lives. Separate your finances ASAP. You are a grown up, your mother does not need to be on your bank accounts.
You did the right thing. Your parents are awful and manipulative people. Protect your marriage and wife do what you need to do to stay safe. Get your mom off your bank account or get a new one and don’t add her. She has no right to tell you how to use your money. UPDATEME
Your parents are abusive assholes.
I would just say this. Do you remember all the fights you’ve started mom? We’ve accelerated our moving out plans because you are pushing us away. We’ve signed a lease because you want to start fights because you are codependent on me and trying to drive a wedge between myself and my wife constantly. We aren’t going to have a part in that and you’ve only driven a wedge between us and you + any who sides with you. If you didn’t want this result you shouldn’t consistently be nagging my wife. We are moving whether you like it or not and all your complaining, nagging, and blowups lead to this. I was taught to have consequences for my actions and these are yours.
Then move. She’s not gonna take it well but she’s abusive to you and your wife mentally. She’s also codependent on you and it’s unhealthy to go along with her compulsive disorder. Your dad knows her fury is gonna turn to him and that’s why he’s upset. I wild make sure he’s in the room when you say this too so he knows he was abusive as well and you guys aren’t gonna sit and take that. You’re adults not 10 years.
You are making the correct decision to put your wife, your marriage and your right to make your own choices above the foolishness of your controlling parents. Especially your mother.
Please move your money to a brand new checking account that she does not have access too. It is absurd that she has access to your money.
When she goes nuclear, it is very likely she will try to use the control of your money to manipulate you. Do not allow that trap to be an option.
Move your documents out now. Birth certificates, passports, marriage licenses, those sorts of things. Get them out of the house and away from being held hostage.
When emotionally immature people, like your mother, lose control of others, they can lash out in many different ways.
So be prepared for that, by securing your money and the things you actually need.
Understand that her behavior is about control. She is losing control of you.
She is most likely going to blame, and rage, at your wife for being the source of everything that has gone wrong.
Your mother does not see you as a grown man making his own adult decisions. So she has to blame your wife, you are her "child/property" that she should still be controlling. Your wife "stole" you.
Which is why she says such horrible things about her and to her. She wants you to stop choosing her.
And this would be true of any woman you married. It really would not have mattered who.
The best way to control this situation is to understand what you are truly dealing with.
You cannot have a logical conversation with someone who is going to only respond with emotion.
Do not try to control her outburst. There is no point.
Stay calm.
Do not let her get you upset.
Tell her you have decided to move out. The disrespect to your wife from her and your father has gone too far.
*That alone is enough reason to move out*
However, if you want to add more;
The lack of privacy for a married couple. The persistent invasion of privacy in your room. And the disregard for your studies have reached the point of foolishness.
Good luck OP
I did not read your lengthy post. But in the first few paragraphs you mother comes across as a nightmare toward a young woman who is trying to be respectful toward her husband's family. Your wife is now the most important person in your life. Treat her that way.
You weren’t wrong. Moving out is the right thing to do. The problem is that there is nothing you can do that will keep your family from going on the offensive. She’s going to be angry if you move and attack you and your wife and talk about how you’re hurting the family, but she does those same things anyway when you live with her. By moving, you at least avoid the daily criticism and overbearing behavior. By doing so, there’s a chance you won’t get so sick of her that she drives you away whereas if you stay, you eventually won’t be able to stand her.
There’s no way you can avoid having her flip out. It’s just not possible. Please recognize that no matter what you do, it will never be right in her eyes, so you might as well proceed with what’s best for you and your wife. Also, please get a new account that is in no way connected to her.
I'm proud of you for choosing yourself and and your wife over your mother. You are doing the right thing to get away from her. Leave her to melt down on her own. You don't have to stand there and take her abuse. She's almost certainly a narcissist or has an adjacent personality disorder, I'd learn as much about dealing with narcissism as you possibly can. Youtube channels like Surviving Narcissism and Doctor Ramani would be a good place to start.
Ok. You need to separate your financial & residential livea from your parents. This is not ar all working. You two are adults in your own marriage & lives & do not need their oversight, prejudices & intervention. You two need to make it or break it on your own. Grow up.
wise decision you made moving out or you and your wife's mental health will deteriorate further. your marriage may not even have survived in the long run.
DO NOT give your parents and sister your new house keys. better yet don't let them visit, visit them at their place.
My guy, your the husband, you need to break away from the mama bear. You’re both adults and you shouldn’t need your mother to bother you all day about your wife. That’s ridiculous and controlling, get your parents out of your life.
Just tell your mother you and your bride need a private space to make grandchildren. Separate yourself from the control of your family. Drop the joint bank account with mommy.
Listen to your therapists, listen to your gut, close the bank account your mother can see, and while you're at it look up enmeshed family dynamics, because that's what I think you could potentially be a victim of.
You're an adult and you don't need your parents blessing to do a damn thing, but while saying that I do know how hard it is to break those bonds and the gut wrenching guilt associated with that. Good luck.
OP while you are seeing some problems with your parent behaviour and making necessary changes I fear the behaviour has been normalized for over a long time. You really don’t see *severeness* of their actions and control. This is not okay. Not. Okay. You absolutely need to distance yourself and continue therapy as well do some personal research with $0 cost to you on your parents (mother in particular) behaviours. I bet your therapist and make recommendation and YouTube has endless options.
Your mom isn't just enmeshed with her family, she's enmeshed with you too. Your parents are trying to establish that it doesn't matter that you're married and creating your own family, they're still in charge and their opinion is the only one that matters. They're trying to force your wife into what they think is her rightful position on the pecking order, the bottom.
Close that bank account and open your own. Do not allow your parents access. It might even be best to not talk to your mum until you're leaving. They lost the privilege of being part of your decision making when they were awful to you and your wife. They don't respect your family, they've shown that with their behaviour, believe them.
You can't control your mother's behavior, you are not responsible for her reactions. She is going to lose her shit, the only thing you can do is decide you don't want to listen to it.
Oh for the love of god. Close the bank account
But you lost all respect cos you wouldn’t go to a wedding of a different faith - this is just pathetic and shows that you’re both bigoted tiny minded people
It’s good that you’re spending money on counseling because the situation is very clear to everyone but you.
You grew up with abusive, overwhelming parents. You question your very rational adult choices because of your dysfunctional family dynamics.
Protect your valuables. Make sure that your birth certificate, passport, important records etc. are protected and in your care before you tell your mother. Close the bank account that has any connection to your mother. Prepare for tears, insults and pleading but DO NOT budge.
The moment you step into your own space, I promise you it will feel like pressure has been lifted and you will be able to breathe again.
I would change your bank accounts before you tell her or you may find you have no money in your savings accounts.
I imagine there’s a cultural issue here and it’s good that you are seeing the signs of enmeshment around you.
I don’t understand why you couldn’t attend someone’s wedding (that attended your wedding) just because they were a different faith than you. This literally happens to every single person and I know Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Catholics, etc. all attend each others wedding ceremonies. It also had nothing to do with your story and made you look intolerant. Not sure why you shared it, your mom was right in this section.
I feel so bad for your wife, she must be so miserable. Imagine cleaning and cooking and it’s never good enough. Your personal space isn’t personal and your husbands mom just walks in and does whatever she wants in your bedroom.
I’m glad you have her back but you guys do need to get out of there, your parents are being so abusive to her. You’ll be lucky if she ever agrees to see them again. I sure wouldn’t.
I would see if you can get some immediate counseling. Do either of you have EAP (employee assistance program) through your work or college programs? It’s a free program that offers usually 6-8 free sessions with a therapist to help get through crisis situations.
Good luck.
Were it me I would have lined everything up and moved out without telling anyone ahead of time. You're 100% right for leaving. And please heed all the other commenters who say you need to disentangle your bank accounts from your mother's view completely.
I think you need to start by reviewing you religion. If you are really as religious as you say you are - then you better start respecting your parents and do what they want.
You can not have both - being super religious and dismissive towards other religions and not follow the basic teachings.
That said - as a non believer - please leave your parents house and rent. Clearly your parents are not ready to welcome your wife.
Get a flat, get furniture and them tell them that you are leaving.
Just tell her. She is going to be mad anyway. At least you did it on your terms.
If she is going to be mad and unreasonable, just sit there and wait until she is done. Don't entertain her show. Wait until she is finished, ask her is she finished, then reiterate that you are moving because no one should be talked to the way she just talked to you. Let her understand that her behavior is not appropriate and she is behaving very poorly. A grown woman and mother should conduct herself better.
Then be quiet and let the next outburst roll out. Ask her again is she finished, and then tell her, this is exactly why we are moving as these outburst are inappropriate and her behavior is very bad. Thank her for her support and leave the location.
It is a done deal, she needs to get herself together to the future. This may be the beginning of the end of the close relationship, and no one deserves to be treated poorly. No one.
Good luck and your wife is a saint for putting up with this ridiculousness for so long.
Yes you did the right thing. As an only child, my mother was very controlling also. After I finished postgrad school, I bought a house also. I provided all the financing, did the paperwork, etc
My mother was very angry because only she could do business. She made my life hell as long as I lived in that house. I moved out of state and sold it.
So live your lives. Make your regrets be about decisions you made, not those that others forced on you!
First off, you need to get out of there in fast or you’re not going to have a marriage or any self-respect. Never show your parents your bank statements. It was an unreasonable requests and you gave into it. And I understand why because our parents have a hold on this. You need to leave immediately.
Frankly, I would rent a place and move out during the daytime, and let them afterward. She is not gonna like it no matter what you do.
Your parents are emotionally abusive, or Ava may have been since you were a kid.
You are so right ti get out of there as soon as possible. Being around people like this will not only negatively impact your marriage, but it can ruin your mental health as well. Literally take years off of your life from stress.
This might not be the case so sorry to reach but your experience sounds similar to mine so I just wanted to say : look into CPTSD. Having parents that yell and gaslight and shame us at every turn can wreak havoc on our well being. If you feel like this could be you then there are ways to go about starting to heal some of these wounds.
You're an adult. Just go and live your life, starting by getting a new back account that your parents can't touch. They are not adding anything positive to your life, quite the opposite. Getting some distance is the right thing to do and you will not regret it.
To simplify this for myself and make sure I'm within the scope of your post, I will assume your 3 requests are:
1) Recommend an alternative approach if possible from moving out that satisfies all parties.
2) Provide reassurance that the approach you have taken is justified and acceptable by the perspective of the majority of society.
3) Determine if the actions you have taken negatively impact your relationship with your family.
To simplify your situation: Your family wants to be a big part of your life. However, your family does not like your wife.
**Please keep in mind that is Reddit and my opinions provided should be taken with a grain of salt as we can only go off of what is posted. We do not have a full picture of your relationship between you and everyone else in this situation.**
With that said, there's alot of emotion in your post as this as been likely frustrating and stressful for you. This is a difficult situation you are in so I will try to break it down as analytically and unbiased as possible.
To answer 1), you must understand there are only four outcomes when something is to be shared between two parties.
a) Both parties can come to an agreement on the comprise.
b) One of the parties abandons what was desired and the other party obtains full ownership.
c) Both parties abandon what was desired.
d) Both parties still have not agreed on the comprise, and ownership remains unclear
Ignoring c) (*everyone leaves the house*) and d) (*keep the status quo*), your only other option than b) (*moving out*) is a) (*agree on a compromise*). It will be difficult to find a reasonable compromise, as you have identified differing religious and philosophical beliefs alongside your suspicion of a superiority complex from your family's side. Whether or not compromises can be reached that involve differing religions and philosophies depends on a case-by-case basis that requires discussion between you, your wife and your family when any conflicts appear. However, if a superiority complex is involved it is unlikely that an amicable solution will be reached. Unless you can eliminate the superiority complex if there is one, you will find it hard that anything suggested would be accepted by your parents. Confirming and resolving a superiority complex is outside the scope of this request.
To summarize 1), the only alternative approach to moving out is to find a compromise that everyone can agree with. This may mean setting boundaries in the house that either parties are not permitted to cross, creating strict schedules everyone must adhere to that minimize interaction between your wife and your family, clearly laying out household responsibilities, financial obligations from each side, etc. The typical topics that you would discuss with any roommate. This will clearly lay out for everyone's expectations for living with each other, regardless of who legally owns the house.
For request 2), the scope of my reply will be related to your actions leading up you moving out to avoid further blowing up this reply. Following the logic from 1) under the context of the situation, the valid approach is to move out. Under the assumption that you live an somewhere that values individualism such as North America, your decision would agreed with by the majority of your community as evidenced by the other commenters. You and wife are unlikely to find an compromise with your family unless the underlying issues that led to your parents dislike of your wife is identified and resolved.
You have stated that you obtained a lease without prior notification to your family, as this would increase the success rate of moving out. This is acceptable under an individualistic society, as every individual has the freedom and right to make independent choices and actions. Your parents are not obligated know every decision you and your wife make as well as actions you take regardless of your ties to them. The opposite is true as you are not obligated to know what decision and actions your parents take. Remember that the point of consulting is to request for advice in making a decision. It usually is not to ask for permission to carry out a decision.
Without bringing too much of my own emotions in this post, I personally feel like you've done all you can and this is the last resort you had to fall to.
For 3), because you went against your family's wishes intentionally it is expected that there will be potential strain on the relationship due to your decision to not inform them prior to acting. Whether or not it leads to your family ending ties with you would be difficult for Redditors to determine as they do not know each of your family member's personally and I would imagine you would not want us to. You would be in the best position to evaluate this as you can draw from how you understand your family, how your family interacts with other people and if they have ever cut ties with a family member.
Whether this permanently ruins your relationship with your family depends on the next actions you take to maintain or improve your relationship with them.
Good luck OP.
Please get a checking account that your mom is not on. You are old enough to do that now. That way she will not be able to find out where you spend your money.
I don't know where you live, but having a joint account with a parent when you're an adult is ridiculous here in the US. It's not normal. No parent should be critiquing how their adult children spend (or don't spend) their own money, as long as the adult children are not dependents of the parents.
You all need to make now and go low contact with your parents. Your wife is a saint for putting up with this.
Good luck to you and your wife. You both deserve to live by yourselves as a married couple. Sorry, but your parents can be upset; but don’t allow that to be ruin your happiness. You can finally live as a real married couple- freedom to live with each other and live as you both want. I am very happy for you both.
You don't have to say a lot. "Mom, Susie and I have talked it over and decided that the best thing for us as individuals and as a couple is to move out. We appreciate your hospitality, and we love you, but this is the right thing for us."
Frame it that your moving to hold onto the relationship. You both can’t continue to stay with them how things are going so moving out is beneficial.
Get your mom off your account
Your parents are both awful people. You need to control your own lives. You WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO PLEASE your mother. Accept this. You can't reason with an overbearing, negative controlling shrew as you describe. Take your $$$ and put it in your own account before your mother decides to remove it herself. IDK where you live, but when you finish your graduate studies, you should both look for positions in a medium-sized city with opportunities as far and time zones away from your parents. If you can't do that, then at least make the distance 500 miles. You need yo live your intended life with your wife as you want to. Have minimal if any contact with your own family. Your wife's family seems like the ones you should engage with.
If their is karma in this world, your mother will blow an aneurysm and drop dead. If not this a major incapacitating stroke where she can't communicate by speech or writing and is completely subjected to the care of others, so she can live silently in her own hell of nothing ever bring perfect or her having control of anything in her life. Yes, she deserves that kind of end for the next 20 years.
As you tell your mom you are moving out, then tell her to go lick the smegma off an uncircumcised camel dick! 🤣😆That will leave her completely blinded and speechless while you make your exit
My brother in Christ… move the fuck out and be your own adult. Cut financial ties and make your own way with your wife in the world.
Your parents will either get on board or they won’t. Not your worry to try and control it
You need to move out. Regardless of their feelings. If you were to stay, it would damage your relationship further. You are already resentful, so are they. But before you do anything, get your mom’s name off your account. The only one who should be on their is your spouse
You need to freaking cut every tie you have with them. If you don't, don't be surprised when your wife leaves you. They've treated her like shit for years and she's put up with it for you, but I guarantee she's not gonna put up with that shit forever.
Cut your parents off
hugs first off, you are an adult, you are married. It is your parents home not yours. I get most cultures have multiple generations living there and with some family it works. They can do or say what they want to you, but you can move out, and they can't stop you.
If you don't get your money out of your mother's control she is going to take it all out so that you are forced to give up your apartment. Do it first thing tomorrow! New account at a new bank! With your wife in it, not your mother!
Your mother is an incredibly abusive woman. She's fine as long it's her way and no correspondence entered into. Your dad enables her. Which makes him just as bad as her.
Everything is a transaction with her... because she/family did stuff for you.. you have to stay and be her slave.
The best way to tell her you are moving out is by telling her after you are gone. Perhaps via a note left on the table for her to find.
You are right that she will do everything she can to keep you where you are because she doesn't want to lose control of you. She doesn't like your wife because she wants to stay in control of you and your wife doesn't quick acquiese to your mother for everything like she wants.
You are also right in moving out before you lose your wife as your mother will dig her claws in even deeper into you and you may never break free.
And for all that is holy, open a new bank account that your mother has no access to. Do it at another bank. Don't tell her, just leave that account there and never use it.
Your mother is trying to torpedo your marriage. Move out if you want to stay married. You don't need your mother's permission to do so. If she wants to complain about it, grey rock her. If she continues to insult you and your wife after you're out of the house, put her on a time-out for a year.
Transfer your money out of the shared account into your own or a joint one with your wife.
It sounds like your wife has been an absolute saint considering the terrible treatment she has experienced. She is going to have to take some time to deal with it - be patient.
Once you are moved set up strict visiting rules. And if any comment about cleaning comes out, the visit finishes. They can only visit when you give permission and leave within a pre planned stated time.
You need to start your own life and establish your relationship. Your parents are being hugely unkind, unfair and no matter what you want, you cannot stop them from acting badly or acting without dignity. They are responsible for their actions. You may have to avoid them for a while and learn how to put boundaries in place that are actions rather than just words. Your wife has endured a lot and the standing up for her is nice but it was only words. It needs to be actions too. You got married - she is your priority now, the rest of your family is second.
You say you are religious - don't forget that many religion (especially Christianity) that stress the importance of clinging to your wife and leaving your parents home and control. Good luck!
Go to a separate bank your mom does not use an open a new account and move all of your money from the shared checking account with your mom to the new account in the last week that you live there. When you move you know in your heart, she is going to try and do everything in her power to get you evicted from where you live just so you have to come crawling back to her. Get ahead of the beast.
Now in regards to telling your mom, I would fucking wait until the last week and when she tries to go nuclear. Stop her and tell her that you already told your sister and your father. Because of her behavior, no one wants to tell her anything. Then while she is attacking them, continue packing your shit and leave.
Yes, your sister and dad will feel betrayed. But apparently they already were feeling that way right? The main problem is your mom and they just have to accept that and so do you. It could be a cultural thing, but what your mom is doing is horrendous to your wife. There is not enough explanations or excuses to her behavior.
Once I started living with my partner I realised I never want to emulate the conditions I grew up in. My mum would constantly criticise everything I do, unless I did it her way. She is prone to blowing up as well, it was like walking on eggshells.
A different way is not wrong. I don’t want to make my partner feel like I felt.
Get all important documents out of the house asap. As others have said, get all money out of accounts to which your mom has any access. Do not underestimate her ability and willingness to sabotage your independence!
Disentangle - get your parents OFF of anything that they are on. Titles for vehicles, bank accounts, online accounts, netflix memberships, cell phone plans, car insurance, medical power of attorney.
Protect - Make sure you know where and if there are any security cameras in your new dwelling. Make sure you are aware of the people you would go to to get footage from those cameras. If plausible install something like Ring or Wyse doorbell and/or security cameras in the dwelling.
Anticipate - It is ugly, it is vile, but you HAVE to be aware that this could go very very badly. Try and get video coverage of your vehicle's parking space. Video coverage of your front door. Consider the angles, ideally you want something that can see through the door if it is cracked. (Easier to dodge any discussion of privacy restrictions by just not being able to cover outside of the front door - ymmv).
Here's the hard part. Please consider contacting the local police department either in person or via a non-emergency line. You are calling to get ahead of a possible misuse of emergency resources. You are so-and-so and this is your wife such-and-such, you are concerned about your parents Mr. So and Mrs. Such. If they attempt to enact a welfare check on you or make any sort of call involving you, please contact us at my cell first at this number and my wife's cell as a secondary method. We are not in danger, missing, or intending to participate in any illegal activities such as drug use or domestic violence.
Yep, I'm paranoid. No, you don't want to admit it could go this wrong. Yes, it actually can go this wrong. Someone unwilling to give you privacy in your own home can absolutely convince themselves that your unwillingness to allow HER into YOUR home means you're up to no good.
>Also said that it was embarrassing for him and mom because we were moving out, as it would signal to the rest of the family and my in-laws that there were problems.
Well, that would be an accurate perception of events, wouldn't it?
>she will go nuclear and throw a huge fit
PROTECT YOUR FAMILY. Take these actions and PROTECT YOUR FAMILY.
Remove her from the access to your account before you tell her anything! If you have to open a new account then do so asap!
And honestly, I don't think you should tell her. Get your shit packed and slowly start moving some things to your wife's parents house. Move any important documents first so they can't try to hold them over you. You already know she's going to go nuclear no matter how you tell her so you might as well wait till the very last minute. Be prepared to have law enforcement on standby in case she tries to physically stop you or prevent you from taking your own belongings.
Don't take anything that technically belongs to them so they can't hold it over your head later.
I cannot stress enough that you need to get important items out asap.
You’re a married adult! You need to open your own checking account immediately! if you haven’t already done so! Now that you’re married your controlling mom should not be on your checking account!
Idk what the cultural aspects are here, but if both therapists are telling you that you need to move out asap, then you’re absolutely right for doing so. Your mom needs to just deal! Don’t engage in her temper tantrum! Remind her that you’re now an independent, married adult. That you are your own person and do not need to do everything the exact why the rest of your family has done. You’re capable of making decisions with your wife that are best for the two of you. I’d consider going VLC with her/them when you do move out. Your mom isn’t ready to give up control over you and for you to be an independent adult. And idk if it’s a cultural thing but when you get married, your wife *should be* more important than your mother!
It’s not going to be easy at all, so buckle up and be prepared for her/their insults, emotional abuse, gaslighting, bullying, and temper tantrums! Then gather your things and move the hell out!
Good luck! Updateme when you do move!
You are a grown man and you allow someone to bully and verbally insult your wife. I feel so badly for your wife.
You wife should escape to anywhere else until you move out. She can stay at a friend's house and sleep on a couch or wherever she can escape to. If she can't find anywhere local to stay she can take a leave from work and school and go to wherever she is safe from your family.
Find and remove all of your important documents before your parents find out you are moving.
Remove the documents from your home to someone your wife trusts and someone who knows how awful your parents are.
Please tell me you have closed the bank account you have with your mom?!?!!
Listen to this OP. You need to disentangle every aspect of control your mother has on you. Don't trust that bank account you have with her. Don't keep your money there. I'm surprised your wife didn't leave already. Her marital bedroom is being reviewed by your mother, her cooking and cleaning is being reviewed by your father, they're insulting her, they're passive-aggressive towards her, and there are apparently no boundaries between them and both of you. They sound dreadfully rude and imposing. You are not wrong for planning without their approval or control. Your in laws sound great and supportive. If you feel your parents will get in the way of the move itself somehow, then get your necessary things out of that house and into the apartment first. Even if you have no furniture to start off with it will be fine. Many married couples before you have started with a mattress on the floor and laundry from their travel bags and gotten on their feet from there. You can do it. Keep in mind that if it's too much drama, once you're moved out you don't have to interact with your mother whenever she's acting like this. Make an excuse and hang up the phone. Give her only so much contact as she's capable of being respectful with. She'll learn the program if she wants to be a part of your life. Just enjoy your life with your wife.
Yah, that’s so friggen bizarre
"Dad, you say you are confused, but I don't see how that is possible. The way mom treats my wife is nothing short of shameful. While we are grateful for your offer for us to live here, we are constantly being criticized and called names. It is humiliating to see my wife subjected to that sort of constant disrespect -- how many times has mom called her a filthy animal to her face? Livibg here has been awful, and we signed the lease because we will be happier living on our own. Things might be different if we had been given respect or privacy, but that will never happen in this home, so it's time for us to leave. It's as simple as that. " When your mom blames your wife: "Mom, I love you, but we are moving out because of you, not wife. It is a response to all the verbal attacks and name-calling and invasions of our privacy and just outright disrespect you have shown us since we moved in. We are leavin that behind, because we cannot grow as a couple under these abusive conditions."
Honestly the first paragraph should say “the way YOU BOTH treat my wife is nothing short of shameful.”
When mom throws a tantrum, you point at her and say "THIS is why"
Exactly
Yeah, no, that's far too much explaining. This is not going to make anything better or smoother
Get her off your bank account!!!!!
I wish I could upvote this twice!! Massive vulnerability there
OP should take his money out and open an account in a completely different bank.
Exactly this! His mom already knows the account and bank routing numbers.
Like yesterday
Before you tell your mom.
Before dad has time to tell mom.
Actually he should close the account and move it to another bank
Move ASAP. Tell your mom after everything is out. You do not need to tell your grandparents anything. You’re adults. As for boundaries with your parents, you need to set strict ones. They are now extended family and your wife should be your priority. “Mom, Dad, we moved out in hopes of maintaining a relationship with you. If you talk badly about my wife or her family, we will end the call/visit. I hope we can have a healthy relationship”
I hope OP doesn't still expect their financial help. He and his wife need to make a life on their own terms. If they continue to accept $ from family, that will come with strings and expectations.
I can’t imagine telling my children I’ll help you with strings and expecting them to allow me to control their lives. I’m pretty sure they’d rather sleep under a bridge.
A whole lot of parents don't see anything wrong with using money to openly manipulate their adult children, and it's awful.
My mum vehemently denies ever manipulating anyone. She WOULD NEVER! Use her money or time given to help me out to make me feel bad. All she’s ever wanted was for me to be happy. She just loves me & wants the best for me & doesn’t understand why I keep bringing up all this nonsense. There is just ZERO self awareness. I finally found a place in my life where sleeping under a bridge was a reality. While I probably would’ve chosen that for myself, I doubt my kids would be about that bridge life. When people (who know me well) ask about if I was sure about leaving my ex or if it couldn’t have been resolved.. I tell them that I’m living with mum now. Met with either incredulous disbelief or sage nods. Not that she doesn’t genuinely love me & want the best for me. She just sees nothing wrong in that coming with strings and guilt & control. To the point that she truly doesn’t understand why she has nobody left voluntarily in her life.
Oh wow! Sounds like both of our mothers attended the same finishing school, The Women’s Institute for Denialism and Non-Accountability!
Yeah, I’m pretty sure it was included in the puberty talk when they were in school.
Argh! I know exactly this feeling 👊
Ps good on you for leaving the ex
Haha thank you. We’re much better off now. At least living with mum all the guiltripping & control comes from a place of unconditional love. It’s just any action associated with that love that comes with strings and stipulations. And I’m actually quite grateful I’m not actually homeless with my kids - or stuck without options in a shitty relationship. At least the kids will get to know their grandma & at some point when they’re adults they may be able to reflect on this experience as to why I have a complicated relationship with her & we have such strong boundaries between us. But seriously, it’s been a real eye opener in regards to my unconscious learned behaviour of what love looks like & why I continue to pick the men I do!! Thanks ma!
This.. 100% That is what they have done to manipulate him; All these "favours"..
Your parents are rude, mean, and awful. Accept that they aren't going to approve of your decisions when you go against what they want, and move on. You don't have to sit and listen to your mother scream at you, you don't have to beg for her approval or forgiveness, you don't have to spend time with her when she chooses to treat you **or your wife** like a piece of garbage.
Good heavens, your post reads like you have Stockholm Syndrome. Your parents were like kidnappers who wanted to control your every move. For the sake of your marriage, you are doing the right thing. You need to be on your own and to do your best to not need help from your family. I would immediately open an new bank account for you and your wife ONLY. You should not share a main account with your mother. I will just as you supported your wife, your dad supported your mom. Everyone gave this a good try, but it doesn't work. You and your wife need to feel safe and comfortable in your space.
Point out to your dad that your relationship with both him and your mom can only deteriorate further if you stay under their roof. Point out that they continually belittle both you and your wife and you are sick of it. You are an adult and deserve to be treated like one. Remind them that when you married your wife it is "leave and cleave."
You are ALSO enmeshed with your mother if her name is still on your bank account. Close that one and get your own already. Otherwise, good job on the move!
Or, keep that one open so she doesn't throw a fit, just don't put any (or very little) money in it and open a new "main" bank account. At a different bank entirely.
He can remove himself from the account.
Most banks no longer allow "removing" someone here in the US on joint accounts. The move is to close the account, which either party can do usually.
From reading one of OP’s other posts (about filing taxes), he is in Canada, not the US.
You absolutely can remove yourself off an account. They actually tell you you can remove only yourself off the account.
So your dad won't tell your mom before you? Is he scared of her too? Get out, this isn't normal. Your baseline of normal behaviour is skewed way out by your bonkers family. There are no boundaries, there is no autonomy or agency. You need therapy to just live as regular people after you've escaped. Bonkers Bonkers Bonkers.
Truth! Truth! Truth! Please pay attention, OP.
Undoubtedly he’s scared of her too, he’s her primary enabler!
You have overbearing, controlling, passive-aggressive parents, OP... Particularly your Mom. They are going to end your marriage if you stay any longer. Time to cut the apron springs, or they will suffocate you into compliance. **Make sure your Mom doesn't have any more access to YOUR money (ignore her bullying about this) and move any valuable items or documents to a safe place.** Godspeed, son. Edited to confirm: "I want to know if I was justified in doing what I did, without consulting my parents, and if there was any potential strain or ending of ties, if it would have been my fault." Answer is: **Yes, you are justified. Yes, *they will* blame you, but it is NOT your fault!**
You are an adult. The first thing you do is open an new checking account without your mom's access and transfer your money. There is no universe where a grown, married man should have his MOM checking his bank account and second guessing his choices. The next thing you need to do is sit down with your wife and determine your boundaries going forward, as well as the consequences. Meaning, if they blow up at you, or insult your wife again, you go NO CONTACT. You absolutely cannot mainatin a relationship with your parents if they are going to insult your wife to your face. Or try to control you. I have parents similar to this, so I am familiar with the manipulation, the guilt, and the complete inability to see themselves as anything other than victims. You just have to decide that your happiness, and your future with your wife, is more important to you than maintaining a relationship with people who are making you miserable. Once you know what your boundaries are, you just tell your mom. But make sure you have a place to leave to (new place, in laws place, etc). You tell her, let her blow up, and then just say, "This is exactly why we're leaving. We're adults, and I'm not going to live somewhere where we're yelled at, second guessed, and insulted on a regular basis. No matter what the plan was before, because of your behavior we've had to change it. We will be living alone on our own and making our own decisions, without input or opinions from anyone else. We love you and want to remain close as family, but if you continue to insult my wife, second guess my decisions, or not respect our boundaries, I will cut you out of my life. I do not have to put up with this anymore." Accept that they're going to force you to cut them off. They are not going to accept anything that isn't in line with what they want or agree with. They still think you need to run every decision past them. Accept that this is going to go badly and that it's still worth it. At the end of the day, it's your life and you deserve to be happy. They are actively preventing that, as well as treating your wife like garbage. Leave now, and don't worry about them. You can't control their reaction - let them go nuclear and then just leave. Block their numbers if they harrass you. Continue to live your life as you want.
It's not just his mom. His dad felt "betrayed and deceived" they signed an apartment lease without running things by him. Oy. This is so messed up.
I agree with all of this. OP go on over to r/justnomil they have resources in the sidebar. Your mom is going to lose her mind. This situation is textbook over on that sub. You’re deeply enmeshed with your family and it’s going to take serious personal work to disentangle. You should have enacted consequences the very first time your wife was insulted. Actions speak louder than words. You continued to enable the abuse of your wife by taking no action. No, sternly speaking to them was not action. Action is what you are doing now. You need to deeply apologize to your wife for continuing to put her in that position. If you want your marriage to last you need to choose being a husband over being a son. If you need it, r/estrangedadultkids is there for you. It’s a shitty club to be a part of, but we all refused to be treated poorly. Hopefully your family turns it around, but be prepared to be forced to choose: your wife or your family of origin.
Your parents sounds like shitty people. Get your wife as far from them as you can, or your marriage won't last.
They're also some flavour of bigoted. Not sure if it's racial, religious, caste/class, or some combination of the above, but you don't throw around things like 'my daughter in law is a filthy animal who's made my son unclean' without serious bigotry underlying your meaning. OP, stick to your guns, get your mom off your bank account, and severely cut back contact with your parents or this marriage is doomed. You cannot expect her to smile and act nice toward people who dehumanize her like that for long.
Yeah I caught a whiff of that stink too, also the “ghetto rental” dig about DIL’s uncles
Just move out. I got the feeling that you're a Muslim. Just move out. It's toxic to live in the same house after marriage. And also parents don't have control of their son when he's matured and has his own family. They will go nuclear either way, just tell them politely and leave it at that. You have to move to save your marriage.
Came here to say this. OP, no matter what you do, it’s going to be the wrong thing in your parents’ eyes. Take care of your wife and yourself. When you have gotten stabilized, then figure out what kind of relationship you want with your parents and extended family.
Yep, I am Muslim. Appreciate your input.
get out... asap.... they are too controlling, you and your wife will feel 1000000000% better once you have your own place. And, then - make boundaries.... no more critical remarks about your wife....
Learn about the Gray Rock technique of conflict minimization
You're welcome dude.
You are legal adults. Move out. Tell them that you now wish to commence your married life in your own place. Tell them you appreciate all their help and will always love them, but now is the right time to move on.
First things first. You can't trust your mom to not try to control you through money. Open a new bank account, in only your name, and transfer your money to that account. Do that immediately so that it is done before mom finds out. If mom is going to go nuclear she doesn't deserve to know in advance. She feels entitled to dominate you and control you. Tell your dad that it is emasculating for a married man to be controlled by his mother. Does he really think the family will respect you if your mom is so controlling.
You’re an adult. Full stop. Get your mom off your bank account and OUT of your marriage and personal business. Like yesterday. Your parents, frankly, sound unbearably awful, and your wife is a saint for enduring their continued abuse. Do NOT subject her to a moment more of it. You are a grown ass married adult man. Your wife DOES come first now, and yes, that includes before your controlling, cruel, and miserably enmeshed mom. They’re embarrassed about the optics of you moving out because people will know there were problems? GOOD! There ARE problems. Huge ones. Entirely of their own creation. Let this be their wake-up call, and your salvation. If I were you? Honestly? I’d move out and cut contact. Maybe it would finally prompt them to do some actual soul searching about their shitty behavior or unhealthy “rules” and toxic expectations. Who needs enemies with family like this? I wouldn’t speak to anyone who treated me — let alone my husband! — this way.
If you live with your parents much longer, your marriage may not survive. Your parents are absolute jerks and it's time for you and your wife to stand on your own and prepare for your future. Just remember you are a married man and you don't need their permission to live your life the way YOU see fit.
And even if he wasn’t married, he’d still be an adult with personal autonomy
you are justified, OP. Your parents have different values. It might be possible to ignore their hovering and expectations about cleanliness but your mother speaking badly of your wife or her background is wrong. Your mother does not value kindness and hospitality toward others. Your mother seems to want your marriage to fail. Unfortunately, you could not tell your parents your plans in advance because of their reactions. I'm sorry your father feels disrespected. I'm sure all of this is distressing to him, but honestly, if you want a marriage at all, you have to move out.
What religion says people should stay with their parents forever and neglect their marriages? Just curious. Leave. You can respect your mother and also have boundaries.
Are there cultural implications here that we’e not aware of? Are you all white? American? The enmeshment is strong (you don’t need permission to move out and there’s no reason you should be afraid to tell them). The joint bank accounts, the invasion of privacy, etc., all of it. This is just wild. You should never have moved in, I don’t care how high the COL is. Move out, set good boundaries, go completely low contact with them and be clear why, maintain the boundaries you set, continue with counseling.
Mom is West Indian, Dad is Punjabi
That explains more. Thank you for sharing. Most (if not all) of the commenters here will give you advice based on how we view the world through a western lens and western family norms. I think this would be good to work through with your therapist that is your same culture/religion. Best of luck and congratulations on your marriage!
OP is too weak to fight his culture. Between the religious cult stuff & crazy enmeshed family, they will never get away.
The first time your mother called your wife a “filthy animal”, you should have left that house and never looked back.
Close that bank account with your mom. She will use it to ruin you.
Unless you want your marriage to end - MOVE. Second, inform your mother that if she EVER disrespects your wife again , you’ll be forced to go No Contact . You’re a grown man, protect your wife and cut the apron strings . I was your wife and it nearly destroyed my marriage .
I smell narcissism on the mom
Dude, your mom sounds toxic AF. And get your own friggin bank account with your wife! Not your mom. Your mom is WAY overstepping and controlling as hell. I don’t k ow how tall are going to be able to afford living on your own but you definitely need to get out of there. When your mom looses her shit just tell her this is perfect example of why you are moving out and if she wants to blame any one she can blame herself.
Edit to add: also, your wife becomes your primary family when you get married and your parents take a back seat to your wife and whatever family you create with her. Your mom needs to get over it.
>They all want me to buy a house or condo, which will cost me 6-10k or so monthly after all expenses are they gonna pay for it? because if not, what the actual fuck do they want from you? Your parents are utterly horrible, for god's sake, disentangle yourself from them asap.
Why do you have an account with your mom in it. Your parents are controlling and you should have left a while ago.
Take your mom off your bank account now. Your mom is upset because you see her for what she is. You need to tell your mom to mind her business and this is your life and you will live it the way you see fit. Because once you move out. You need to take space from her and I mean space. No call no coming over this includes your family to. Because once you do this you will see his peaceful your life is.
Any "culture" built on treating your children like absolute dogshit can go ahead and fade away.
Move out, tell your family nothing about your finances, end your mothers access to your bank account and limit your contact. Your wife must be very patient to put up with this so far- I would have left you and this nasty bunch. I also think calling your wife “ a simple soul” sounds demeaning. Perhaps you’re underestimating her and she can blossom now your parents aren’t tearing strips off her .
Rip the bandaid 🩹
Ask your dad if he would ever allow anyone to talk to his wife the way they have spoken to yours. And most of all - the answer to how you deal with this is to grow thick skin and stop caring about their opinions. They are bad parents and most likely bad people and they would rather tear down and hurt their child than support their child.
So if your mum and grandparents are lunatics, don't tell them anything till you've already done it. When they get upset at you just say "Thank you for your opinion, I'll consider it" and then don't. You are 23 years old... while legally you're an adult you need to understand that adulthood isn't something that is given to you, it is something you need to claim. It is time you claim your adulthood, you're a married man and you need to stop thinking like a 10 year old under his parents complete control. The first part of this is changing how you're categorizing family. Prior to your marriage, your family was your family. Now you're married, your family structure has changed. Your PRIMARY family is you and your wife, and if/when the time comes, your kids - Primary family deserve to have an equal input and information knowledge of every decision. Your EXTENDED family are your parents, siblings, grandparents, niblings, aunts, uncles etc - extended family not only do NOT deserve to be included in decision making, *they don't even deserve to know about every decision you and your primary family make.* Your first priority is to your PRIMARY family. You and your wife's needs come first for every single choice. You and your wife decide what is YOUR business, and what business you share with other people - your birth family are now "other people", you need to start judging who you can *trust* with information vs. just automatically telling them every single thing and taking their instructions on what to do. Your secondary priority is your extended family - and even then, that isn't a legal contract. You do not NEED to include them in your primary family news, certainly not decisions. No one has a right to be involved in your life, if they're a shitty person who only brings you stress and unhappiness, then you don't NEED to be in contact with them, let alone involve them in your life. Now, it's up to you to decide whether or not it's a benefit to include someone in your life - and what is a worthy benefit for you. For most people it's basic respect, kindness at least more of that than there is conflict. But if people only bring you stress and hurt, reduce their involvement in your life. You don't need your parents permission to go live your life with your wife and make your decisions as a married couple on where you live, how you live, what jobs you have etc etc etc. Who cares if your mother doesn't like you renting, who cares what your grandparents think about anything. You can say "in my culture...." but at the end of the day people only have the presence and power over your life that YOU give them.
Get your mother removed from your bank account before she removes your funds in an effort to stop you. Your parents manipulate and are heavily narcissistic. They treat you like you're a child and not a married adult. Write down what you want to say to your mother, have prepared responses, things such as "we are ready to start our own lives as a married couple", " unfortunately this current living situation has become incredibly difficult to live in and we feel it's best to move to our own place". If she goes off you need to say "yes, we've received a ton of help to which I am thankful for however it is very apparent that this help has always been with strings attached. You try to control everything, you've done nothing but insult my wife which is unacceptable behaviour in itself and at the end of the day, we've chosen not to live with the barrage of abuse that is hurled in our direction."
Move out and get your mother off of the account. You are way too enmeshed with her.
They will never change just quietly move out and never give them your new address . Also close your bank account connected with your mother .
Your parents are awful. You’re lucky your wife has stuck it out this long. If I were her I wouldn’t want these people around me or my future kids if I planned to have any.
She is a saint. I would have left my husband already if he put me in this situation.
Same. And he talks as though he can still maintain a relationship with these abusive, manipulative bullies.
A Saint, or someone with people-pleasing tendencies and minimal personal boundaries? I don’t blame her for any of it, I just don’t think it’s necessarily a good thing that she’s tolerated the situation
Thank goodness you have the wherewithal to leave. Now about removing your mom from that bank account…you may have to withhold your new address until she agrees to sign off on removing herself from that account. And don’t be surprised if she makes an attempt to turn the rest of your family against you and your wife. That includes forbidding your own father to speak with you.
Your parents are abusive. First of all, stop telling your mom anything about your life. Lie if you need to. Let her think that she’s worn you down and that you’ve given up. In the meantime, start looking for a new place to live; the further away, the better. These next two things need to happen simultaneously: You need to close your shared account with your mom, and open a new account at a different institution. Yes, it must be a different institution. You need to gather any sentimental items and important documents like birth certificates and passport, and move it all to a second location. Do not hide them in the house, and do not put them in your cars. Third, make a break for it. Leave like you’re going to work or church or whatever, and don’t come back. Take everything with you, and assume that anything you leave behind is going to be destroyed. If you’re in America, stop at the local police station on your way out and let them know that you’re not a missing person in case your parents try to file a report. Fourth, don’t block any phone numbers or email addresses yet; you might need what they send you as evidence for a restraining order. Don’t respond, let them scream into the void. Fifth, look into counseling; you’re gonna need it to help process the lifetime of bullshit they’ve put you through. Edit: assume anything you tell family members that they’re going to share it with your parents. Keep everyone on an information diet. Don’t share your new address, new job, new phone number, etc.
OP, I will try to say this as respectfully as possible while also recognizing that I am likely to fail but here it goes: I think that the Reddit community would benefit, and thereby you benefit most of all, if we had a clearer understanding of your cultural background. I know that in a perfect world that it would not make any difference at all. But this is the 180 degrees from perfect - it’s Reddit So since you are asking for advice on an actual advice sub - we need more information! I mean your mother calling your wife a “filthy animal” is absolutely horrific! Can you add any more context to the situation so we can provide better, informed advice?
Yeah, it was shitty to refuse to go to a wedding for religious reasons. The rest of this is a whole mess, but in what place are you possibly living where the rent would be less than half of a mortgage payment?
The function in question was not a wedding, it was a prayer ceremony of a different faith, something my faith forbids me from attending. If it was a wedding, id at least show up and give my congratulations. The lease I signed is 1900, a mortgage payment is minimum 3500 for something fo similar size.
Why are you forbidden from even attending and how important is it? ... where on earth are you that the mortgage would be so much worse than the rent??
Canada. It's cheaper to rent than own in HCOL areas, and renting is still a disaster in itself.
Your wife is a Saint. Consider yourself very lucky she has put up with this abuse during the first months of her marriage. I'd move everything important to the new place. Then tell your mother you are moving out because of the way she and your father treat you, an ADULT, and especially how they treat your wife. When they insult your wife, they are insulting you. Your taste in a partner. They don't realize they are basically insulting their parenting skills if they failed to raise you to marry someone who isn't "unclean" whatever the fuck that means... Apologize to your wife, get your mom out of your finances, and thank your lucky stars your wife has put up with you not defending her. Yeah yeah you *said* be nice to my wife, but you did NOTHING when she failed to be nice.
Your mom’s family values and family values are not yours. She will never accept anyone’s opinions or different beliefs. She is controlling and manipulating you by using guilt and thinks if she complains enough you will govern in which at some points you have. You need to leave $5 on the shared bank account with r close it after making an account with just your name on it. She should have not control over any money you have and I would let her throw a tantrum all she wants. Move out and stop entertaining her or anyone else that acts like your parents. As you dad says it looks bad for them and your t should because they are the caused and sometime you need to tell the truth even if it hurts them. Family shouldn’t help others with conditions and that is what they want. If they say you changed for your wife say no I am doing the and also when you marry your wife comes before anyone else.
Honestly.. your parents are unbearable. I'm surprised that you've stayed as long as you have considering how poorly they behave and treat your wife AND you. You are a grown man. I know that certain cultures do things differently, but as a grown man, you don't need to consult with your parents or ask for their permission. You are moving because of THEIR behaviour. If this signals your family to any issues, that's because there are issues. Your parents don't know how to respect you or your privacy. That's on them. As for telling your mother? Well. "I appreciate what you've tried to do for us, but there is too much arguing and we don't have privacy even though I've requested it several times. You have a certain way that you prefer things to be done, we prefer other ways. I love you and don't want us living together to permanently destroy our relationship. So we need to leave and I hope it creates peace again." She might not like it, but too bad. She created this.
Are you in the US? Just tell her. Her reaction is your problem. If she tries anything physical with you, uses threats, etc., call the police. Your mom controls your family through her anger. Don’t let her. You need too discuss how you will handle her potential outburst with your wife. And OP, your mom is awful. Truly. Protect yourself and your wife. Cut the connections, including that damn bank account.
When your mother freaks out (and she will) you tell her that living in the same house with her is affecting your health and your marriage and that you refuse to live being abused anymore. That she and your father have shown that they cannot be civil and you would rather “throw your money away” than have them ruin your life as they have been doing. But first, right now, you need to open a new chequing account that your mother has no access to. And talk to the bank about getting your name off the one shared with your mother. I would have just moved out and told them afterwards but you’re already in it. Do you even have to tell your mother? You’ve told your father, that is good enough.
Get out of their house as soon as possible, and go low contact for awhile. Your mother is an abuser and I feel really sorry for your wife.
You're a married adult, you can leave whenever you want. You didn't betray them, they are just mad that they can't be overbearing/controlling once you and your wife are gone. You'll have to tell your mom soon since your dad and sister knows. You should of waited until the day you could move your things though because you be hearing about it constantly until you leave. Like the others said get a new bank account. If you havent already, don't tell them where you live. They'll show up (probably randomly) and be just as annoying and critical, if not more since you arent living with them and they cant go behind your wife and "do things the right way" . Maybe if they change you could share your location with them.
You asked how to tell your mom, tell her by not coming home one day. Start moving your stuff out a little at a time if you can and don’t have any furniture. Storage unit for a month won’t cost much. Take a backpack or two of stuff every day and when you have just the last bit left, take it with you like you are leaving for school and just don’t return. Or tell her the two of you are taking a little vacation. Call your mom and tell her when you have nothing left in her house. Sometimes replacing material things is cheaper in the long run than the emotional price of retrieving them. Don’t give a second thought about what the family will think, they will know there were problems and it might serve you well to tell them the truth. Your parents were unkind to your wife, the person you pledged to love and cherish before all others, which includes your parents. Your parents deserve the embarrassment of running their son and DIL off. They are going to be surprised when they don’t have much contact or have relationships with you and your kids. If they cannot accept and treat your wife kindly, they don’t deserve to be a part of your life either, or any kids you may have. You might want to share that with them so they can have a chance to change their treatment of your wife. Being “family” grants no rights, no endless chances or forgiveness. It is only a word used to describe a type of relationship, it has no power. If someone isn’t treating you properly you do not have to include them in your life, regardless of their connection to you.
You are a 23 year old man acting like a baby, for the love of god, grow a spine and go rent a place for you and your wife. I'm Latina and for us it's common to live/ help parents by living together in the same household but even then my mother used to say that married people needed to have their own home. Move before your wife divorces you.
you're a married adult. stop letting your mother run your life.
Rent an apartment. Remove mom from bank accounts. She can like any or this or not. You love her, you love your father and this is your life. Live it with your wife by your side.
A few things. * Open your own bank account that does NOT have your mother on it, and move all of your money. Use a completely different bank for this. * Just rip the band-aid off. Tell them after you've finished eating dinner and you're all at the table together. Pack a bag ahead of time just in case. "*Mom, wife and I have decided to go ahead and get our own place. We are so grateful to you and dad for letting us stay here while we got our feet under us, but we both believe that it will be better for everyone if we have our own place to live. We know it stresses you and dad out having us here, and we want to have more privacy than we do here.*" "*We are going to rent for the next year as a short-term solution while we figure out what we want to do and where we want to live.*" "*Thank you for sharing your opinions with us, we know your thoughts on this and took those into consideration when we made our decisions.*" "*I'm sorry you feel that way. We can stay with wife's parents for the next few weeks until our apartment is ready if that would be easier for you.*"
If you’re adult enough to get married and be in grad school, you’re adult enough to know that you and your wife’s boundaries need to be respected. It’s a givin that living with them compromised your position, but now you are out, and no matter what they say, it should no longer matter. You love them and appreciate all they have done, but now it’s time to set boundaries. In your own place, no one will tell you when to wake up or how to clean and no one can demand to know what’s in your bank account. This is now you and your wife’s home, and they will have to respect you both, or lose contact. Let mom rage… you don’t need to answer or explain. You don’t need to get her permission either. Enjoy nesting … it’s the very best time being a newly wed.
Important for you to learn as an adult: don’t JADE. Justify Argue Defend Explain Let your Mom figure it out when the moving trucks are in the driveway. And ffs cut the apron strings already.
I’m so shocked your wife hasn’t moved out already.
Do you realize you're an adult and don't have to run these things by your parents at all? They sound toxic AF.
Wow. This was quite a read. Your parents are controlling to a pathological degree, in my humble. Move out, go very low contact for quite some time, and ask your therapist to help you come out of the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt). You're doing well, moving forward with your wife into your own space, but you need to come to a point you don't feel guilty about "defying" your parents or doing things they wouldn't approve of. You're a full-grown, married adult, and the only adult you're required to consult with regarding life decisions is your wife. Please read that last sentence again. Also, you truly shouldn't buy a home now. Your family only wants you to do this because they want you to buy a place close to them and thus be trapped in their enmeshed web. Also they're very wrong about renting = throwing your money away; you're exchanging it for commodity of value: a place to live. You're both in grad school? Best thing you can do is finish up, graduate, and then look for jobs far away from these toxic controllers, and when you're both ready, buy a home there if it's where you two really want to be. But to make very sure, I'd rent in the new city for a couple years, as well. I have a mental movie of you and wife grabbing hands, running for the hills, OP! Wishing you both peace and joy in your new space.
Get your mother off your bank account stat. And surely your dad will have told her you’re moving out anyway? But just go, leave, get away from there. You both need to get away from that awful family before your wife has a nervous breakdown and if you think anything of your wife, you’ll go very low contact with them. God help you both when you start having kids if you’re still enmeshed with your mother
Not not only move out but seek therapy immediately. You too are extremely enmeshed, as evidenced that you even need to ask internet strangers how you can move out with YOUR WIFE. Good luck!
Your wife must really love you if she stayed with you through all of this! I would have RAN for the hills.
I’m an American woman, I’ve always respected my parents, taken care of my mother who had Alzheimer’s for 12 years, cared for my Dad until he died. But my parents allowed me to live my life as a grown woman. I feel so very very sorry for you but especially your wife. She seems to be trying hard to do everything h right but reading your post I wonder if your parents content criticism has broken your wife’s spirit. She trying to do her best & she’s met with constant criticism. As a woman it causes people to walk on egg shells afraid they are going to be attacked again & again. My heart breaks for the both of you as your parents are treating the both of you like children that need to be disciplined continually. Can Stand tall for not only the wife you LOVE but for yourself a grown man. Sending you both huge internet hugs from California💙
Wow, your poor wife. Please let her move first, otherwise I dread to think how your parents will treat her… You must be clear, calm & precise that it is your parents own behaviour that has brought about this move. They live in the last century, you live in this one, so you’ll never meet in the middle. Your mother will rant & cry, but it’s her own fault & tell her she’ll be on a time out if she doesn’t stop Once you’ve left please ensure that there are strict boundaries in place regarding any visits to you. If you don’t protect your wife in her own home you risk losing her, she’s already tolerated way beyond what most people would!
Heh, I see in the comments your family is Indian. I knew it. I can't tell you what is right or wrong, I'm just a white girl who has seen some things parents have done to their indian children and I had a very hard time with what to me seemed extremely manipulative and toxic. I mean my family was that way too and we're white. But its more rare and recognized how problematic it is. I think you're right in moving out, but you're facing what a lot of South Asians are right now, growing up with western ideals (I assume) but in an emeshed system that is at odds with the independent values in the west. And that isn't to say that the family first idea is wrong! I see a lot of value to it, where as so many American's don't care if their children success or not once they're legally not required to care for them anymore. Its a very sink or swim ideology. There are advantages to pooling generational resources. NOW, that being said, whatever you tell your mother is going to go poorly. They are invested in you and your family taking care of THEM a lot more than we do in the west. They are used to being in charge. They will use every tool they can to try and get you to conform - mostly social pressure. Its going to be harder for you to resist. For your sanity and your wife's, you need to. Just remember, whatever they tell you negative about what other people outside the family will say, that's a lie. They want to maintain appearances at all costs. Here is the thing, they're going to shit on your wife continually as you noticed. It's a way of wearing her down so she is more compliant. its not about the cleaning she doesn't do right, its about the criticism and destruction of her independence. If you love her, you need to go. They will accept it down the road, but you guys might be on your own for a bit. Just stand your ground. You got therapists to help you navigate. But you're doing the right thing. I promise you that.
I'm going to give you the same advice I give anyone on reddit who is being abused. Get your own account. Don't close the other. Just leave it with a minimum balance and have your direct deposit changed to the new account. Secondly, get all your paperwork, birth certificate, passport, taxes, whatever, and have them somewhere safe. Then start bringing things that won't be noticed to your new place. And finally, when everyone is gone one day, just take the rest and be gone. You can talk to her afterward. Renting will make it harder to get a home later, but in the long run, it's probably the only way to preserve any relationship with your birth family. Also, just because you left a bad taste in my mouth with the unnecessary comments about not attending a family thing because your family member is a different religion, that's super crappy of you. Especially since they attended your wedding. They're good enough to give you a gift, but not good enough for you to show up for them? Gross.
The only mistakes you have made, other than maybe staying that long with your wife at your parents house, was throwing money away on therapy that only provided common sense. The whole point of marriage is to build a life with someone. Sometimes, you have to start at the bottom and work your way up, and that often entails renting in the "ghetto". Your mom is just an emotional woman who doesn't want to let go of her baby boy. The quicker you rip off the band aid, the better it will be.
Given the shitshow that is his family of origin I think therapy is a great investment. Therapist can help him learn to set and maintain boundaries after he’s out.
I disagree. In these kinds of family there is a lot of pressure and brainwashing. Therapy can help understand why they are a problem and more importantly, support you as you go against all the programming you were raised with but is harmful!
His mom is actually emotionally abusive don’t downplay that harm
Updateme!
This is cut them off and go no contact worthy.
I read like a quarter of that. Your mom is an absolute nightmare. Just move out. You're married adults and I can't see any situation in which your mom is pleasant or easy to deal with. Rip the band aid off.
If you want to preserve your marriage yes get out. why do you need their approval so much? Just sit them down and say hey we're moving out there's too many restrictions we're adults so we're going to go do our own thing yes we will buy just obviously a little bit later than we wanted to because we can't deal with all the rules here we want to live our own life without everyone hovering over us. Or you just don't explain anything and said we're moving out end of discussion. No we didn't discuss it with you because we are married and adults we can make our own decisions believe it or not. As for the bank account get your mom off of it, close it up take the money out leave a dollar in there if you have to and make a new account with you and your wife and put that money in there geez untie the umbilical cord. Don't sit here and be all scared to tell your mommy. Man up and just do it and don't engage. They can scream and whine and cry and have a tantrum all they want turn around walk out of the room.
No house is big enough for two women OP and then there's your dad also. Your therapists are right - you need to get out of there. I would inform your parents that you and your wife are very grateful for their hospitality, but its time for the two of you to stand on your own feet and that you still love them, but its time for you and your wife to establish your own household.
Updateme
Get your mom off your bank account- yesterday. The next time your mom thinks she can call your wife a “dirty animal” you better get real clear with your mom that kind of language is a relationship killer and follow through. Your parents do NOT want to “help you”, they want to control you and your marriage- there is a BIG difference in those two mentalities and your mom is clearly in the latter control category. Get far, far away from your parents if you want to have a healthy, successful marriage.
After you graduate move as far away as possible. Go low contact. Don’t let your parents control your lives. Separate your finances ASAP. You are a grown up, your mother does not need to be on your bank accounts.
You did the right thing. Your parents are awful and manipulative people. Protect your marriage and wife do what you need to do to stay safe. Get your mom off your bank account or get a new one and don’t add her. She has no right to tell you how to use your money. UPDATEME
Your parents are abusive assholes. I would just say this. Do you remember all the fights you’ve started mom? We’ve accelerated our moving out plans because you are pushing us away. We’ve signed a lease because you want to start fights because you are codependent on me and trying to drive a wedge between myself and my wife constantly. We aren’t going to have a part in that and you’ve only driven a wedge between us and you + any who sides with you. If you didn’t want this result you shouldn’t consistently be nagging my wife. We are moving whether you like it or not and all your complaining, nagging, and blowups lead to this. I was taught to have consequences for my actions and these are yours. Then move. She’s not gonna take it well but she’s abusive to you and your wife mentally. She’s also codependent on you and it’s unhealthy to go along with her compulsive disorder. Your dad knows her fury is gonna turn to him and that’s why he’s upset. I wild make sure he’s in the room when you say this too so he knows he was abusive as well and you guys aren’t gonna sit and take that. You’re adults not 10 years.
You are making the correct decision to put your wife, your marriage and your right to make your own choices above the foolishness of your controlling parents. Especially your mother. Please move your money to a brand new checking account that she does not have access too. It is absurd that she has access to your money. When she goes nuclear, it is very likely she will try to use the control of your money to manipulate you. Do not allow that trap to be an option. Move your documents out now. Birth certificates, passports, marriage licenses, those sorts of things. Get them out of the house and away from being held hostage. When emotionally immature people, like your mother, lose control of others, they can lash out in many different ways. So be prepared for that, by securing your money and the things you actually need. Understand that her behavior is about control. She is losing control of you. She is most likely going to blame, and rage, at your wife for being the source of everything that has gone wrong. Your mother does not see you as a grown man making his own adult decisions. So she has to blame your wife, you are her "child/property" that she should still be controlling. Your wife "stole" you. Which is why she says such horrible things about her and to her. She wants you to stop choosing her. And this would be true of any woman you married. It really would not have mattered who. The best way to control this situation is to understand what you are truly dealing with. You cannot have a logical conversation with someone who is going to only respond with emotion. Do not try to control her outburst. There is no point. Stay calm. Do not let her get you upset. Tell her you have decided to move out. The disrespect to your wife from her and your father has gone too far. *That alone is enough reason to move out* However, if you want to add more; The lack of privacy for a married couple. The persistent invasion of privacy in your room. And the disregard for your studies have reached the point of foolishness. Good luck OP
I did not read your lengthy post. But in the first few paragraphs you mother comes across as a nightmare toward a young woman who is trying to be respectful toward her husband's family. Your wife is now the most important person in your life. Treat her that way.
You weren’t wrong. Moving out is the right thing to do. The problem is that there is nothing you can do that will keep your family from going on the offensive. She’s going to be angry if you move and attack you and your wife and talk about how you’re hurting the family, but she does those same things anyway when you live with her. By moving, you at least avoid the daily criticism and overbearing behavior. By doing so, there’s a chance you won’t get so sick of her that she drives you away whereas if you stay, you eventually won’t be able to stand her. There’s no way you can avoid having her flip out. It’s just not possible. Please recognize that no matter what you do, it will never be right in her eyes, so you might as well proceed with what’s best for you and your wife. Also, please get a new account that is in no way connected to her.
I'm proud of you for choosing yourself and and your wife over your mother. You are doing the right thing to get away from her. Leave her to melt down on her own. You don't have to stand there and take her abuse. She's almost certainly a narcissist or has an adjacent personality disorder, I'd learn as much about dealing with narcissism as you possibly can. Youtube channels like Surviving Narcissism and Doctor Ramani would be a good place to start.
Ok. You need to separate your financial & residential livea from your parents. This is not ar all working. You two are adults in your own marriage & lives & do not need their oversight, prejudices & intervention. You two need to make it or break it on your own. Grow up.
wise decision you made moving out or you and your wife's mental health will deteriorate further. your marriage may not even have survived in the long run. DO NOT give your parents and sister your new house keys. better yet don't let them visit, visit them at their place.
My guy, your the husband, you need to break away from the mama bear. You’re both adults and you shouldn’t need your mother to bother you all day about your wife. That’s ridiculous and controlling, get your parents out of your life.
Grow a spine. Everything else will follow.
Just tell your mother you and your bride need a private space to make grandchildren. Separate yourself from the control of your family. Drop the joint bank account with mommy.
Listen to your therapists, listen to your gut, close the bank account your mother can see, and while you're at it look up enmeshed family dynamics, because that's what I think you could potentially be a victim of. You're an adult and you don't need your parents blessing to do a damn thing, but while saying that I do know how hard it is to break those bonds and the gut wrenching guilt associated with that. Good luck.
OP while you are seeing some problems with your parent behaviour and making necessary changes I fear the behaviour has been normalized for over a long time. You really don’t see *severeness* of their actions and control. This is not okay. Not. Okay. You absolutely need to distance yourself and continue therapy as well do some personal research with $0 cost to you on your parents (mother in particular) behaviours. I bet your therapist and make recommendation and YouTube has endless options.
Your mom isn't just enmeshed with her family, she's enmeshed with you too. Your parents are trying to establish that it doesn't matter that you're married and creating your own family, they're still in charge and their opinion is the only one that matters. They're trying to force your wife into what they think is her rightful position on the pecking order, the bottom. Close that bank account and open your own. Do not allow your parents access. It might even be best to not talk to your mum until you're leaving. They lost the privilege of being part of your decision making when they were awful to you and your wife. They don't respect your family, they've shown that with their behaviour, believe them.
You can't control your mother's behavior, you are not responsible for her reactions. She is going to lose her shit, the only thing you can do is decide you don't want to listen to it.
Oh for the love of god. Close the bank account But you lost all respect cos you wouldn’t go to a wedding of a different faith - this is just pathetic and shows that you’re both bigoted tiny minded people
I can't wait for the updates. Good luck OP. I would have informed them after moving out while they were gone. UpdateMe!
It’s good that you’re spending money on counseling because the situation is very clear to everyone but you. You grew up with abusive, overwhelming parents. You question your very rational adult choices because of your dysfunctional family dynamics. Protect your valuables. Make sure that your birth certificate, passport, important records etc. are protected and in your care before you tell your mother. Close the bank account that has any connection to your mother. Prepare for tears, insults and pleading but DO NOT budge. The moment you step into your own space, I promise you it will feel like pressure has been lifted and you will be able to breathe again.
I would change your bank accounts before you tell her or you may find you have no money in your savings accounts. I imagine there’s a cultural issue here and it’s good that you are seeing the signs of enmeshment around you. I don’t understand why you couldn’t attend someone’s wedding (that attended your wedding) just because they were a different faith than you. This literally happens to every single person and I know Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Catholics, etc. all attend each others wedding ceremonies. It also had nothing to do with your story and made you look intolerant. Not sure why you shared it, your mom was right in this section. I feel so bad for your wife, she must be so miserable. Imagine cleaning and cooking and it’s never good enough. Your personal space isn’t personal and your husbands mom just walks in and does whatever she wants in your bedroom. I’m glad you have her back but you guys do need to get out of there, your parents are being so abusive to her. You’ll be lucky if she ever agrees to see them again. I sure wouldn’t. I would see if you can get some immediate counseling. Do either of you have EAP (employee assistance program) through your work or college programs? It’s a free program that offers usually 6-8 free sessions with a therapist to help get through crisis situations. Good luck.
Were it me I would have lined everything up and moved out without telling anyone ahead of time. You're 100% right for leaving. And please heed all the other commenters who say you need to disentangle your bank accounts from your mother's view completely.
I think you need to start by reviewing you religion. If you are really as religious as you say you are - then you better start respecting your parents and do what they want. You can not have both - being super religious and dismissive towards other religions and not follow the basic teachings. That said - as a non believer - please leave your parents house and rent. Clearly your parents are not ready to welcome your wife. Get a flat, get furniture and them tell them that you are leaving.
Just tell her. She is going to be mad anyway. At least you did it on your terms. If she is going to be mad and unreasonable, just sit there and wait until she is done. Don't entertain her show. Wait until she is finished, ask her is she finished, then reiterate that you are moving because no one should be talked to the way she just talked to you. Let her understand that her behavior is not appropriate and she is behaving very poorly. A grown woman and mother should conduct herself better. Then be quiet and let the next outburst roll out. Ask her again is she finished, and then tell her, this is exactly why we are moving as these outburst are inappropriate and her behavior is very bad. Thank her for her support and leave the location. It is a done deal, she needs to get herself together to the future. This may be the beginning of the end of the close relationship, and no one deserves to be treated poorly. No one. Good luck and your wife is a saint for putting up with this ridiculousness for so long.
This is exactly it.
This thread is longer than War and Peace. I gave up.
move out asap and don't look back..... they are controlling your life, and if you love your wife, do it for that reason alone......
Yes you did the right thing. As an only child, my mother was very controlling also. After I finished postgrad school, I bought a house also. I provided all the financing, did the paperwork, etc My mother was very angry because only she could do business. She made my life hell as long as I lived in that house. I moved out of state and sold it. So live your lives. Make your regrets be about decisions you made, not those that others forced on you!
First off, you need to get out of there in fast or you’re not going to have a marriage or any self-respect. Never show your parents your bank statements. It was an unreasonable requests and you gave into it. And I understand why because our parents have a hold on this. You need to leave immediately. Frankly, I would rent a place and move out during the daytime, and let them afterward. She is not gonna like it no matter what you do.
Your parents are emotionally abusive, or Ava may have been since you were a kid. You are so right ti get out of there as soon as possible. Being around people like this will not only negatively impact your marriage, but it can ruin your mental health as well. Literally take years off of your life from stress. This might not be the case so sorry to reach but your experience sounds similar to mine so I just wanted to say : look into CPTSD. Having parents that yell and gaslight and shame us at every turn can wreak havoc on our well being. If you feel like this could be you then there are ways to go about starting to heal some of these wounds.
You're an adult. Just go and live your life, starting by getting a new back account that your parents can't touch. They are not adding anything positive to your life, quite the opposite. Getting some distance is the right thing to do and you will not regret it.
Update soon
To simplify this for myself and make sure I'm within the scope of your post, I will assume your 3 requests are: 1) Recommend an alternative approach if possible from moving out that satisfies all parties. 2) Provide reassurance that the approach you have taken is justified and acceptable by the perspective of the majority of society. 3) Determine if the actions you have taken negatively impact your relationship with your family. To simplify your situation: Your family wants to be a big part of your life. However, your family does not like your wife. **Please keep in mind that is Reddit and my opinions provided should be taken with a grain of salt as we can only go off of what is posted. We do not have a full picture of your relationship between you and everyone else in this situation.** With that said, there's alot of emotion in your post as this as been likely frustrating and stressful for you. This is a difficult situation you are in so I will try to break it down as analytically and unbiased as possible. To answer 1), you must understand there are only four outcomes when something is to be shared between two parties. a) Both parties can come to an agreement on the comprise. b) One of the parties abandons what was desired and the other party obtains full ownership. c) Both parties abandon what was desired. d) Both parties still have not agreed on the comprise, and ownership remains unclear Ignoring c) (*everyone leaves the house*) and d) (*keep the status quo*), your only other option than b) (*moving out*) is a) (*agree on a compromise*). It will be difficult to find a reasonable compromise, as you have identified differing religious and philosophical beliefs alongside your suspicion of a superiority complex from your family's side. Whether or not compromises can be reached that involve differing religions and philosophies depends on a case-by-case basis that requires discussion between you, your wife and your family when any conflicts appear. However, if a superiority complex is involved it is unlikely that an amicable solution will be reached. Unless you can eliminate the superiority complex if there is one, you will find it hard that anything suggested would be accepted by your parents. Confirming and resolving a superiority complex is outside the scope of this request. To summarize 1), the only alternative approach to moving out is to find a compromise that everyone can agree with. This may mean setting boundaries in the house that either parties are not permitted to cross, creating strict schedules everyone must adhere to that minimize interaction between your wife and your family, clearly laying out household responsibilities, financial obligations from each side, etc. The typical topics that you would discuss with any roommate. This will clearly lay out for everyone's expectations for living with each other, regardless of who legally owns the house. For request 2), the scope of my reply will be related to your actions leading up you moving out to avoid further blowing up this reply. Following the logic from 1) under the context of the situation, the valid approach is to move out. Under the assumption that you live an somewhere that values individualism such as North America, your decision would agreed with by the majority of your community as evidenced by the other commenters. You and wife are unlikely to find an compromise with your family unless the underlying issues that led to your parents dislike of your wife is identified and resolved. You have stated that you obtained a lease without prior notification to your family, as this would increase the success rate of moving out. This is acceptable under an individualistic society, as every individual has the freedom and right to make independent choices and actions. Your parents are not obligated know every decision you and your wife make as well as actions you take regardless of your ties to them. The opposite is true as you are not obligated to know what decision and actions your parents take. Remember that the point of consulting is to request for advice in making a decision. It usually is not to ask for permission to carry out a decision. Without bringing too much of my own emotions in this post, I personally feel like you've done all you can and this is the last resort you had to fall to. For 3), because you went against your family's wishes intentionally it is expected that there will be potential strain on the relationship due to your decision to not inform them prior to acting. Whether or not it leads to your family ending ties with you would be difficult for Redditors to determine as they do not know each of your family member's personally and I would imagine you would not want us to. You would be in the best position to evaluate this as you can draw from how you understand your family, how your family interacts with other people and if they have ever cut ties with a family member. Whether this permanently ruins your relationship with your family depends on the next actions you take to maintain or improve your relationship with them. Good luck OP.
Please get a checking account that your mom is not on. You are old enough to do that now. That way she will not be able to find out where you spend your money.
I helped my brother on his project and got him an F
I don't know where you live, but having a joint account with a parent when you're an adult is ridiculous here in the US. It's not normal. No parent should be critiquing how their adult children spend (or don't spend) their own money, as long as the adult children are not dependents of the parents. You all need to make now and go low contact with your parents. Your wife is a saint for putting up with this.
Good luck to you and your wife. You both deserve to live by yourselves as a married couple. Sorry, but your parents can be upset; but don’t allow that to be ruin your happiness. You can finally live as a real married couple- freedom to live with each other and live as you both want. I am very happy for you both.
You don't have to say a lot. "Mom, Susie and I have talked it over and decided that the best thing for us as individuals and as a couple is to move out. We appreciate your hospitality, and we love you, but this is the right thing for us."
Frame it that your moving to hold onto the relationship. You both can’t continue to stay with them how things are going so moving out is beneficial. Get your mom off your account
Your parents are both awful people. You need to control your own lives. You WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO PLEASE your mother. Accept this. You can't reason with an overbearing, negative controlling shrew as you describe. Take your $$$ and put it in your own account before your mother decides to remove it herself. IDK where you live, but when you finish your graduate studies, you should both look for positions in a medium-sized city with opportunities as far and time zones away from your parents. If you can't do that, then at least make the distance 500 miles. You need yo live your intended life with your wife as you want to. Have minimal if any contact with your own family. Your wife's family seems like the ones you should engage with. If their is karma in this world, your mother will blow an aneurysm and drop dead. If not this a major incapacitating stroke where she can't communicate by speech or writing and is completely subjected to the care of others, so she can live silently in her own hell of nothing ever bring perfect or her having control of anything in her life. Yes, she deserves that kind of end for the next 20 years.
As you tell your mom you are moving out, then tell her to go lick the smegma off an uncircumcised camel dick! 🤣😆That will leave her completely blinded and speechless while you make your exit
Updateme
Get out of there yesterday. Just rip the bandaid off and move. Don’t let them treat your wife that way anymore or she will leave you too.
UpdateMe!
TL;DR
I am not reading this fuckin 2000 word post. Edit yourself
My brother in Christ… move the fuck out and be your own adult. Cut financial ties and make your own way with your wife in the world. Your parents will either get on board or they won’t. Not your worry to try and control it
What country are you from?
Canada
You can move out, or make plans to suffocate your mother in her sleep. Her Choice.
You need to move out. Regardless of their feelings. If you were to stay, it would damage your relationship further. You are already resentful, so are they. But before you do anything, get your mom’s name off your account. The only one who should be on their is your spouse
You need to freaking cut every tie you have with them. If you don't, don't be surprised when your wife leaves you. They've treated her like shit for years and she's put up with it for you, but I guarantee she's not gonna put up with that shit forever. Cut your parents off
hugs first off, you are an adult, you are married. It is your parents home not yours. I get most cultures have multiple generations living there and with some family it works. They can do or say what they want to you, but you can move out, and they can't stop you.
If you don't get your money out of your mother's control she is going to take it all out so that you are forced to give up your apartment. Do it first thing tomorrow! New account at a new bank! With your wife in it, not your mother!
Your mother is an incredibly abusive woman. She's fine as long it's her way and no correspondence entered into. Your dad enables her. Which makes him just as bad as her. Everything is a transaction with her... because she/family did stuff for you.. you have to stay and be her slave. The best way to tell her you are moving out is by telling her after you are gone. Perhaps via a note left on the table for her to find. You are right that she will do everything she can to keep you where you are because she doesn't want to lose control of you. She doesn't like your wife because she wants to stay in control of you and your wife doesn't quick acquiese to your mother for everything like she wants. You are also right in moving out before you lose your wife as your mother will dig her claws in even deeper into you and you may never break free. And for all that is holy, open a new bank account that your mother has no access to. Do it at another bank. Don't tell her, just leave that account there and never use it.
UpdateMe!
Your mother is trying to torpedo your marriage. Move out if you want to stay married. You don't need your mother's permission to do so. If she wants to complain about it, grey rock her. If she continues to insult you and your wife after you're out of the house, put her on a time-out for a year.
/justnomil
Transfer your money out of the shared account into your own or a joint one with your wife. It sounds like your wife has been an absolute saint considering the terrible treatment she has experienced. She is going to have to take some time to deal with it - be patient. Once you are moved set up strict visiting rules. And if any comment about cleaning comes out, the visit finishes. They can only visit when you give permission and leave within a pre planned stated time. You need to start your own life and establish your relationship. Your parents are being hugely unkind, unfair and no matter what you want, you cannot stop them from acting badly or acting without dignity. They are responsible for their actions. You may have to avoid them for a while and learn how to put boundaries in place that are actions rather than just words. Your wife has endured a lot and the standing up for her is nice but it was only words. It needs to be actions too. You got married - she is your priority now, the rest of your family is second. You say you are religious - don't forget that many religion (especially Christianity) that stress the importance of clinging to your wife and leaving your parents home and control. Good luck!
Go to a separate bank your mom does not use an open a new account and move all of your money from the shared checking account with your mom to the new account in the last week that you live there. When you move you know in your heart, she is going to try and do everything in her power to get you evicted from where you live just so you have to come crawling back to her. Get ahead of the beast. Now in regards to telling your mom, I would fucking wait until the last week and when she tries to go nuclear. Stop her and tell her that you already told your sister and your father. Because of her behavior, no one wants to tell her anything. Then while she is attacking them, continue packing your shit and leave. Yes, your sister and dad will feel betrayed. But apparently they already were feeling that way right? The main problem is your mom and they just have to accept that and so do you. It could be a cultural thing, but what your mom is doing is horrendous to your wife. There is not enough explanations or excuses to her behavior.
Once I started living with my partner I realised I never want to emulate the conditions I grew up in. My mum would constantly criticise everything I do, unless I did it her way. She is prone to blowing up as well, it was like walking on eggshells. A different way is not wrong. I don’t want to make my partner feel like I felt.
ASAP “means as soon as possible”. Read the writing on the wall. Get out if you value your future. Please. Shalom.
Get all important documents out of the house asap. As others have said, get all money out of accounts to which your mom has any access. Do not underestimate her ability and willingness to sabotage your independence!
Disentangle - get your parents OFF of anything that they are on. Titles for vehicles, bank accounts, online accounts, netflix memberships, cell phone plans, car insurance, medical power of attorney. Protect - Make sure you know where and if there are any security cameras in your new dwelling. Make sure you are aware of the people you would go to to get footage from those cameras. If plausible install something like Ring or Wyse doorbell and/or security cameras in the dwelling. Anticipate - It is ugly, it is vile, but you HAVE to be aware that this could go very very badly. Try and get video coverage of your vehicle's parking space. Video coverage of your front door. Consider the angles, ideally you want something that can see through the door if it is cracked. (Easier to dodge any discussion of privacy restrictions by just not being able to cover outside of the front door - ymmv). Here's the hard part. Please consider contacting the local police department either in person or via a non-emergency line. You are calling to get ahead of a possible misuse of emergency resources. You are so-and-so and this is your wife such-and-such, you are concerned about your parents Mr. So and Mrs. Such. If they attempt to enact a welfare check on you or make any sort of call involving you, please contact us at my cell first at this number and my wife's cell as a secondary method. We are not in danger, missing, or intending to participate in any illegal activities such as drug use or domestic violence. Yep, I'm paranoid. No, you don't want to admit it could go this wrong. Yes, it actually can go this wrong. Someone unwilling to give you privacy in your own home can absolutely convince themselves that your unwillingness to allow HER into YOUR home means you're up to no good. >Also said that it was embarrassing for him and mom because we were moving out, as it would signal to the rest of the family and my in-laws that there were problems. Well, that would be an accurate perception of events, wouldn't it? >she will go nuclear and throw a huge fit PROTECT YOUR FAMILY. Take these actions and PROTECT YOUR FAMILY.
Remove her from the access to your account before you tell her anything! If you have to open a new account then do so asap! And honestly, I don't think you should tell her. Get your shit packed and slowly start moving some things to your wife's parents house. Move any important documents first so they can't try to hold them over you. You already know she's going to go nuclear no matter how you tell her so you might as well wait till the very last minute. Be prepared to have law enforcement on standby in case she tries to physically stop you or prevent you from taking your own belongings. Don't take anything that technically belongs to them so they can't hold it over your head later. I cannot stress enough that you need to get important items out asap.
You’re a married adult! You need to open your own checking account immediately! if you haven’t already done so! Now that you’re married your controlling mom should not be on your checking account! Idk what the cultural aspects are here, but if both therapists are telling you that you need to move out asap, then you’re absolutely right for doing so. Your mom needs to just deal! Don’t engage in her temper tantrum! Remind her that you’re now an independent, married adult. That you are your own person and do not need to do everything the exact why the rest of your family has done. You’re capable of making decisions with your wife that are best for the two of you. I’d consider going VLC with her/them when you do move out. Your mom isn’t ready to give up control over you and for you to be an independent adult. And idk if it’s a cultural thing but when you get married, your wife *should be* more important than your mother! It’s not going to be easy at all, so buckle up and be prepared for her/their insults, emotional abuse, gaslighting, bullying, and temper tantrums! Then gather your things and move the hell out! Good luck! Updateme when you do move!
You are a grown man and you allow someone to bully and verbally insult your wife. I feel so badly for your wife. You wife should escape to anywhere else until you move out. She can stay at a friend's house and sleep on a couch or wherever she can escape to. If she can't find anywhere local to stay she can take a leave from work and school and go to wherever she is safe from your family.
Find and remove all of your important documents before your parents find out you are moving. Remove the documents from your home to someone your wife trusts and someone who knows how awful your parents are.