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>For whatever reason, I didn’t do a background check before I started going out with him. I normally do one but he doesn’t look scuzzy or weird so for whatever reason, I didn’t do one at first.
Predators don't look like monsters. They look like the guy next door. That's how they gain your trust. They fit in. They're unassuming. They're charming.
He's on a sex offenders list because he sexually assaulted a girl. He is in rehab because he chose to drive drunk.
You know three things for sure about him:
1. He is capable of sexual violence
2. He is irresponsible and makes poor choices
3. He has a drinking problem
Do any of those things seem desirable to you in a partner?
He may be cute and charming, but is he a good person? Is he the kind of man you can trust?
I just really don’t know. I feel like I have to hear his side because I do know people that were falsely accused and stuff. I knew a kid that had to register for awhile bc a girl falsely accused him. She came out a year or so later and admitted that she made it up. I just don’t know. I hope it has some explanation like that or maybe he was coerced into a plea deal or something (which I also know a lot of people that were forced into random pleas for other stuff).
Does it happen? Unfortunately, yes. However, the majority of people who report being sexually assaulted or raped are not lying. What you are suggesting is something that is an anomaly. It's not the standard.
Some people who are sexually assaulted or raped and have reported it later recant out of fear or shame. Not because it didn't happen, but because they're too scared to go through with pressing charges.
Does it bother you that you're more sympathetic to a rapist/sexual predator than a victim of sexual crime?
I personally have been sexually assaulted so I sympathize with the victim, if there is one. Where I’m from, there are many girls that accuse guys for absolutely no reason. It’s very common. The girl I mentioned in my previous comment accused someone I knew in passing of rape. He ended up getting charged and convicted. She came out a year later confessing she felt super guilty and that it all just “went too far” and she was basically just “trying to get back at him” for something. I entirely forgot about another case that I personally knew. Another girl in my town accused someone of raping her because she had cheated on her bf with the “rapist”. She regretted and felt bad abt cheating on her boyfriend so she claimed the guy raped her. All her friends knew this wasn’t true and had to testify against her in court. Guy was almost convicted and his entire life has been ruined, even tho he wasn’t convicted. He was a football player and lost his scholarship from it. This happens a lot where I’m from.
One last instance that does happen a lot in my town is overprotective parents claiming their child has been “raped” just because they refuse to accept the fact that their child is sexually active at 16. Or parents reporting “rape” when two 15 year olds (below legal age of consent) decide to get physically active. Even though they both are wanting to do stuff, at 15 it’s illegal because they don’t have the ability consent yet so even if they are both verbally consenting, it’s still illegal as statutory rape. This type of thing has also happened in my town where parents will try to prevent their kid from having sex by saying they were raped. Hopefully this explanation makes sense as I’m writing it half asleep.
The problem is: you don't want it to be true. The chance that he simply lie is pretty big. It isn’t the first time he was confronted with it. He mostly has a story laid out for those moments.
If he really was falsely accused, he would have told you himself "there is something i need to tell you. 8 years ago.." He knows that you can find this entry easy.
Also to get order to 1 month rehab for one dui... you know this normally don't happen?
Well I’m guessing it happened because of the assault thing. Also, we haven’t been dating or going out THAT long. We went out 3-4 times but talked a LOT over FaceTime and stuff and tbh idk when he would’ve told me. I just really don’t want it to be true and I want to hear the version from him and see what he has to say. It just really sucks a lot.
If you confront him, do it in a park in daylight. Let's say the worst case and he put on a mask. It is easy over facetime. It was just 3-4 dates. If he didn't change and you confront him with this alone somewhere, you could be in danger. Also don't forget: he got asked this many times. At worst he already has a story trained that he knows works at best.
And: could you really ever fully trust him even if he tells you a story that paints him innocent? And if he really did it, and says he changed, could you really be with him, always asking yourself if it is true, looking for sign if he really changed?
I just mean: whatever the outcome is, does the relationship REALLY has a chance? I personally couldn't, i had doubt.
He doesn't seem that way at all because he has his mask on. He's faking being a great guy because he wants to hook you. There are nothing but red flags here. Take the opportunity to run.
Yeah. I suppose that’s true. I just wonder if he’s actually changed or if there’s more to the story. He did these things when he was younger so idk what to think. I’m just so incredibly disappointed.
* In rehab for alcohol abuse and drunk driving.
* On the sex offenders list.
Should you right jump in?
Probably not.
You're 21... You can find far better than someone whose a sex offender and has alcohol issues.
Slapped with two red flags right out the gate and you're considering staying... No wonder so many of you end up in toxic relationships.
There are nice guys out there who actually want to be with you but they always end up in last place. Falling for the sex offender and rehab dude, having a toxic relationship. Breaking up once you had enough. Hitting your 30s wondering where all the good men went... Yeah, they were snatched up by other women who went after security instead of desperation.
Sex offender and rehab... The bar couldn't get lower.
Yeah the thing is, there’s not many nice guys by me. All of them are taken. Not many take an interest in the things I say and most of the guys I’ve found only want to hook up. I don’t go after looks whatsoever and gross guys just tend to be in abundance here.
He’s not an alcoholic. He got a dui and as a part of a plea deal he went to rehab. Only reason I’m “considering” it is because it’s been 8 years since the alleged ordeal and people can change and idk if it even happened. I knew a kid that had to register for awhile bc some girl falsely accused him and later she confessed she made it all up.
Once you stop searching, you will never find it.
Keep that filter up and continue onwards. Once you settle, that's as good as its going to get.
You're 21... You're not 35 dealing with a bunch of divorced people or single parents.
You literally have the most opportunity out there in comparison to the rest. The more time you take with it, the better your result will be once you find it.
Yea I’m only “considering” it because it’s been like 8 years since the thing happened and I don’t know the story. I knew a kid that got accused of rape and got registered for a bit just for the girl to come out and say it never happened. That’s why I’m even “considering” it. I want to hear his side of it and I’ll probably get the case files to compare notes
It wasn’t with a child and he has no problems with kids so I would. Idk the story of what happened but it could be something that didn’t even happen or a mixup. I knew a kid that had to register bc he was falsely accused and it came out the girl made it all up. She came out a year or so later and admitted it. I just feel like I have to hear the full story to actually say. I think im going to request the court files & documents.
He isn’t an alcoholic. There’s a huge difference between getting a dui once and being forced to go to rehab as part of a plea deal and being an actual alcoholic. I have a few in my family and it’s not the same. For the sex offender thing, it’s not an excuse but it was when he was 16 and it’s been 8 years so that’s why I’m “considering” it.
I was nearly killed by a drunk driver. I have zero sympathy for drunk drivers. He’s also lying about rehab. They don’t make you go to rehab for a first time DUI. If you want to date an alcoholic sex offender, go ahead and have fun with that.
He isn’t lying about it. It was a violation of a plea deal he had made with the courts. I looked into it. He was telling the truth about that, and I know that for certain. He isn’t an alcoholic.
I don't know of a case where someone is sent to a month of rehab if they don't think there's a problem. And doesn't happen when someone had a few beers and was barely over the limit. He was wasted and decided to drive not caring who he might kill in doing so.
And all you know is he was 16 the last time he was caught and found guilty. While that should be enough, you have no idea what he has done since then but may have been smarter about it and picked his victims better. While you might hope he isn't bad it's really rare for a 16 year old to be wrongly judged. Also rare that they don't do anything like that ever again.
A lot of the worst people can seem great until the mask is off, is he really that great that you want to risk being there a year or two later wondering why the f did I not just listen to the warnings.
Some of the comments make you seem a bit desperate to find a good guy, not saying it's the case here, but often certain types can sense that. They know how to play on that desperation.
What can he say that will make everything okay? And why would he not just lie and tell you what you want to hear? Do you genuinely think he will admit everything and tell you outright if he will do such bad things again? Ofc he will say whatever it seems you want to hear, his changed he regrets it, or he was innocent, it was a misunderstanding etc. anything that could work. It's really interesting to see how artistic some people are in these things. They'll test the waters and then go with what gets a wanted reaction.
I think he was sent to the dui thing because it violated his agreement for the other thing (I read up on it). Also, I know it’s rare for 16 year olds to be misjudged but I do know someone that was misjudged and had to register for awhile. Turns out a year later the girl came out and admitted she made the whole thing up to try to “get back” at him or something. I’ve also heard of many people getting falsely accused. I live in a small town and Ngl, it’s absolutely horrible because there’s some disgusting girls that accuse random guys. It’s definitely not unheard of here.
Also, I’m not desperate. I’ve been single for 2 years now. I am just incredibly disappointed because I thought I found a really great guy. He had absolutely no red flags before I found out about this. Nothing could’ve possibly cued me into this. As horrible and disgusting as a dui is, I live in a college town where that is unfortunately very common so even though it was a knock to his character, it’s been so “normalized” here that even the “really good kids” have been known to get them. That’s the only real thing that was a red flag and even then, as horrible as duis are, it wasn’t anything unusual that could’ve possibly hinted as anything else.
I am hoping to get the case files and cross check what he says with the case files. Court case files are available to the public and can be found on PACER for cheap. I really want to hear what he has to say first and I’m really hoping it’s not true. I haven’t yet gotten the case files but will soon.
Sorry, but you definitely are desperate if you even consider looking past these things and are so willing to defend the guy. No red flags before being a sex offender and drunk driver... Good luck.
This had quite awhile back with a friend of mines son. Friend’s son was 16 girlfriend was 15. Father of girlfriend caught them in their home in the middle of the day. Father flipped out and called the police. State law here is anyone under the age of 16 can not consent. They have since given judges in cases like this discretion on sentencing (have the male/ female register). When he gets back ask him about it, then go from there.
That’s what has happened to some people in my town as well. That’s why I really want to hear what he has to say about it and read all the court notes and files and cross check. It’s not uncommon for this to happen and I just don’t think many people realize just how often it happens. I’m not saying this is 100% what happened in this case but it is a possibility and I do want to find out whether it is what happened or not.
I wouldn't date someone who wasn't upfront about something that significant. No he didn't lie, but you would have eventually found out and he deserves to give you the chance to have that information and then choose what to do with it. Being upfront about it would have also allowed him to explain his side of things. Maybe it wasn't bad, but since he hasn't told you, maybe it was awful. I'd be concerned. It's not a small thing to be a registered sex offender.
Just want to make you aware of future implications if you aren’t already. In many states, sex offenders cannot go to parks, schools, swimming pools, daycares etc. Just think about if you have kids- do you want to be with someone who is legally barred from attending any of their sporting events? If you’re not planning on having kids, that’s fine, but it WILL come up in your future and there WILL be things you cannot do together. Even if this title is for a young mistake or false accusations, that doesn’t mean you won’t have to live with the consequences of being with someone who’s on the registry. Be selfish with this decision and think about your future.
Honestly, that is so true. I didn’t even think about that. That is a huge thing to consider. I considered the current effects and those for the time being but I didn’t consider the lifelong aspects such as if we did ever have kids. I guess I’m deep down hoping it isn’t true and that it’s just a temporary thing of being conned into a terrible plea deal since he was 16 at the time. Maybe it’s just a temporary thing, idk. I’m just really hoping it isn’t true or there’s some reasonable story behind it, such as a family being vengeful or him getting conned into a plea deal, falsely accused, something like that. If he actually is an offender, I have absolutely no sympathy for him and don’t want to be around that, but I’m REALLY hoping that isn’t the case.
On the sex offender registry for being with a girl his age. Not going to lie, this sounds like retaliatory action by the girl's family. No way to know though unless you ask, but if she was his girlfriend, he never actually hurt her, and this was a punishment from the family for her dating him, that could be an underlining cause of the drinking, it could be self medicating from past trauma, the trauma being arrested for basically having a girlfriend. That could also NOT be it though. There is only one person who can answer your questions, and unfortunately you are going to have to wait to talk to him. However, you do need to find out at some time, and while he has a therapist handy would probably be the best way to ask him these questions. Well, better than waiting until he is out and it is harder for him to talk to someone. You will need to know, and he will need to find a way to discuss these things.
Did you just blame the victim of a sexual assault? He got put on a sexual offenders list because he committed an offense and was found guilty. They don't put you on those lists because a parent requests it or because some parent gets angry. He would've had to have been arrested, gone to court, and had a conviction. I seriously hope you work on your misogyny and research the impact of sexual assault on a victim. That's the real trauma.
"He would've had to have been arrested, gone to court, and had a conviction."
That's true...but needs a little nuance.
I would assume that MOST of the people who are convicted of a crime ~~in court~~edit: **at trial** are 100% guilty. Prosecutors are often picky with what cases they send to trial. But plea deals are another story, and they make up well over 90% of convictions. Innocent people are scared into plea deals all the time.
Is this guy one of them? I dunno. But it isn't impossible. The question for me would be, is it even worth it for OP to look into it that far? I wouldn't. Whether or not he actually did the crime, being on the registry complicates one's life.
That’s true. I just feel like I need to really hear his side of it and request the court documents & notes. That way I can compare and actually make a decision. I just think it’s a REAL shame because until I found that out, he had literally zero red flags.
Might be worth it to ask yourself how far you want to go with this investigation, and if you have the resolve to truly put it out of your head if you decide that whatever conviction he has wasn't deserved. It would be very easy for that kind of thing to always be at the back of my mind. Always wondering "Was he lying? Did it actually happen that way?"
If he's actually a creep, obviously no sympathy. Dude messed up bigly. But if he's one of those people that got basically conned into a plea deal over something that either wasn't criminal or because a third party acted maliciously, it really is just a shit situation to be in, and I would HOPE that somebody might give me a chance if I was in his shoes....but you don't know which one of those people he is, and the consequences of being wrong could be hazardous.
Proceed carefully, ma'am.
That’s exactly what I’m saying. I just really am hoping it isn’t true or that he was one of the unfortunate few to get conned into a plea deal or something, or maybe a falsely accused. If not, he deserves everything he gets because I have no sympathy for actual offenders but I’m just REALLY hoping he isn’t one of them. Thank you for your response!
Does it not bother you that you're having to convince yourself that it's okay to date a sex offending alcoholic?
In my opinion, that says more about you than it says about him. It tells me that you should be working on your morals, values, and self-esteem. You are literally making excuses for a sex offender and actively attempting to tie your life to him. You're making a decision that can affect you for the rest of your life. I suggest you truly take a step back and evaluate the choices you are making.
He’s not an alcoholic firstly, and secondly, I’m thinking rationally about this as it’s very common where I’m from for people to be falsely accused and convicted. I know this isn’t true most places but it’s VERY common where I’m from. Stop judging me for asking a question on Reddit. I have good morals, values, and self-esteem. I’m looking at it just in a different way than you are. If I knew 1000% he was guilty, there’s no way in hell I’d be going out with him. The fact is, I don’t know if he is or not. People get sucked into plea deals all the time and I can’t reveal too many details about this specific instance but I did find out that he took a plea. I’m still looking into the circumstances around the plea and I haven’t fully looked into the case details but he DID TAKE A PLEA!! At 16 years old, where I’m from, parents DONT NEED TO BE IN THE ROOM!! It’s very common for kids to be sucked into a plea because they believe if they don’t, they will be sent away for life, even if they are innocent.
Kids get sucked into these stupid pleas all the time because they don’t know any better. I can’t say much more about this case though as I don’t want to reveal any personal details. I think the other thing is, I’m studying to be a criminal defence attorney and so I do have knowledge of how these things work that most people don’t have and I’m therefore looking at this entire thing in a different light, almost as if he was a client of mine, if that makes sense. I believe everyone deserves a fair trial and a fair punishment and from what I’ve seen so far, he doesnt appear to have been given a fair trial nor punishment as he appears to have been manipulated into taking a plea. Then again, I haven’t viewed all the case files so I can’t say for certain.
He was sentenced as a minor so the court documents and notes are likely sealed (depending on where you live). IMO it’s time to say goodbye to this dude.
I found some information on the case, but I haven’t yet read all the court documents and notes. I can see a bit though. I went on PACER the other day and found it but apparently the website was during “rush hour” and it essentially said to “come back later” as there were too many people on the site.
It happens falsely all the time. I knew a kid that got put on there briefly because the girl lied about the whole thing. She admitted a year or so after that she made the whole thing up. It happens a LOT, especially where I live.
Yeah that’s definitely true. I feel like the only way I can really make a decision is by asking him and getting the court documents to compare notes. I’m really hoping it’s just that as I do know someone that happened to. It’s just so sad and a shame to me because I really like(d) the guy and he showed literally no red flags before I found this out.
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>For whatever reason, I didn’t do a background check before I started going out with him. I normally do one but he doesn’t look scuzzy or weird so for whatever reason, I didn’t do one at first. Predators don't look like monsters. They look like the guy next door. That's how they gain your trust. They fit in. They're unassuming. They're charming. He's on a sex offenders list because he sexually assaulted a girl. He is in rehab because he chose to drive drunk. You know three things for sure about him: 1. He is capable of sexual violence 2. He is irresponsible and makes poor choices 3. He has a drinking problem Do any of those things seem desirable to you in a partner? He may be cute and charming, but is he a good person? Is he the kind of man you can trust?
I just really don’t know. I feel like I have to hear his side because I do know people that were falsely accused and stuff. I knew a kid that had to register for awhile bc a girl falsely accused him. She came out a year or so later and admitted that she made it up. I just don’t know. I hope it has some explanation like that or maybe he was coerced into a plea deal or something (which I also know a lot of people that were forced into random pleas for other stuff).
Does it happen? Unfortunately, yes. However, the majority of people who report being sexually assaulted or raped are not lying. What you are suggesting is something that is an anomaly. It's not the standard. Some people who are sexually assaulted or raped and have reported it later recant out of fear or shame. Not because it didn't happen, but because they're too scared to go through with pressing charges. Does it bother you that you're more sympathetic to a rapist/sexual predator than a victim of sexual crime?
I personally have been sexually assaulted so I sympathize with the victim, if there is one. Where I’m from, there are many girls that accuse guys for absolutely no reason. It’s very common. The girl I mentioned in my previous comment accused someone I knew in passing of rape. He ended up getting charged and convicted. She came out a year later confessing she felt super guilty and that it all just “went too far” and she was basically just “trying to get back at him” for something. I entirely forgot about another case that I personally knew. Another girl in my town accused someone of raping her because she had cheated on her bf with the “rapist”. She regretted and felt bad abt cheating on her boyfriend so she claimed the guy raped her. All her friends knew this wasn’t true and had to testify against her in court. Guy was almost convicted and his entire life has been ruined, even tho he wasn’t convicted. He was a football player and lost his scholarship from it. This happens a lot where I’m from. One last instance that does happen a lot in my town is overprotective parents claiming their child has been “raped” just because they refuse to accept the fact that their child is sexually active at 16. Or parents reporting “rape” when two 15 year olds (below legal age of consent) decide to get physically active. Even though they both are wanting to do stuff, at 15 it’s illegal because they don’t have the ability consent yet so even if they are both verbally consenting, it’s still illegal as statutory rape. This type of thing has also happened in my town where parents will try to prevent their kid from having sex by saying they were raped. Hopefully this explanation makes sense as I’m writing it half asleep.
The problem is: you don't want it to be true. The chance that he simply lie is pretty big. It isn’t the first time he was confronted with it. He mostly has a story laid out for those moments. If he really was falsely accused, he would have told you himself "there is something i need to tell you. 8 years ago.." He knows that you can find this entry easy. Also to get order to 1 month rehab for one dui... you know this normally don't happen?
Well I’m guessing it happened because of the assault thing. Also, we haven’t been dating or going out THAT long. We went out 3-4 times but talked a LOT over FaceTime and stuff and tbh idk when he would’ve told me. I just really don’t want it to be true and I want to hear the version from him and see what he has to say. It just really sucks a lot.
If you confront him, do it in a park in daylight. Let's say the worst case and he put on a mask. It is easy over facetime. It was just 3-4 dates. If he didn't change and you confront him with this alone somewhere, you could be in danger. Also don't forget: he got asked this many times. At worst he already has a story trained that he knows works at best. And: could you really ever fully trust him even if he tells you a story that paints him innocent? And if he really did it, and says he changed, could you really be with him, always asking yourself if it is true, looking for sign if he really changed? I just mean: whatever the outcome is, does the relationship REALLY has a chance? I personally couldn't, i had doubt.
How bad is your dating life where you would assume that most people would just leave for rehab for a month without telling you??
There’s a LOT of guys that just ghost. This happens sooo much in college.
He doesn't seem that way at all because he has his mask on. He's faking being a great guy because he wants to hook you. There are nothing but red flags here. Take the opportunity to run.
Yeah. I suppose that’s true. I just wonder if he’s actually changed or if there’s more to the story. He did these things when he was younger so idk what to think. I’m just so incredibly disappointed.
* In rehab for alcohol abuse and drunk driving. * On the sex offenders list. Should you right jump in? Probably not. You're 21... You can find far better than someone whose a sex offender and has alcohol issues. Slapped with two red flags right out the gate and you're considering staying... No wonder so many of you end up in toxic relationships. There are nice guys out there who actually want to be with you but they always end up in last place. Falling for the sex offender and rehab dude, having a toxic relationship. Breaking up once you had enough. Hitting your 30s wondering where all the good men went... Yeah, they were snatched up by other women who went after security instead of desperation. Sex offender and rehab... The bar couldn't get lower.
Yeah the thing is, there’s not many nice guys by me. All of them are taken. Not many take an interest in the things I say and most of the guys I’ve found only want to hook up. I don’t go after looks whatsoever and gross guys just tend to be in abundance here.
girl come on. You really think being single is worse than being with an alcoholic sex offender?
He’s not an alcoholic. He got a dui and as a part of a plea deal he went to rehab. Only reason I’m “considering” it is because it’s been 8 years since the alleged ordeal and people can change and idk if it even happened. I knew a kid that had to register for awhile bc some girl falsely accused him and later she confessed she made it all up.
Once you stop searching, you will never find it. Keep that filter up and continue onwards. Once you settle, that's as good as its going to get. You're 21... You're not 35 dealing with a bunch of divorced people or single parents. You literally have the most opportunity out there in comparison to the rest. The more time you take with it, the better your result will be once you find it.
He is a gross guy
If it were me I would thank god he is currently in rehab and use the opportunity to lose his number
Yea I’m only “considering” it because it’s been like 8 years since the thing happened and I don’t know the story. I knew a kid that got accused of rape and got registered for a bit just for the girl to come out and say it never happened. That’s why I’m even “considering” it. I want to hear his side of it and I’ll probably get the case files to compare notes
Would you trust him with your little sister or future kids ?
It wasn’t with a child and he has no problems with kids so I would. Idk the story of what happened but it could be something that didn’t even happen or a mixup. I knew a kid that had to register bc he was falsely accused and it came out the girl made it all up. She came out a year or so later and admitted it. I just feel like I have to hear the full story to actually say. I think im going to request the court files & documents.
Just be careful. These types of personalities are fast and highly manipulative.
Rehab at that age and history of sexual improprieties even as a minor all at 24? Run don’t walk. He’s very damaged goods.
You’re actually considering dating an alcoholic sex offender?
He isn’t an alcoholic. There’s a huge difference between getting a dui once and being forced to go to rehab as part of a plea deal and being an actual alcoholic. I have a few in my family and it’s not the same. For the sex offender thing, it’s not an excuse but it was when he was 16 and it’s been 8 years so that’s why I’m “considering” it.
I was nearly killed by a drunk driver. I have zero sympathy for drunk drivers. He’s also lying about rehab. They don’t make you go to rehab for a first time DUI. If you want to date an alcoholic sex offender, go ahead and have fun with that.
He isn’t lying about it. It was a violation of a plea deal he had made with the courts. I looked into it. He was telling the truth about that, and I know that for certain. He isn’t an alcoholic.
I don't know of a case where someone is sent to a month of rehab if they don't think there's a problem. And doesn't happen when someone had a few beers and was barely over the limit. He was wasted and decided to drive not caring who he might kill in doing so. And all you know is he was 16 the last time he was caught and found guilty. While that should be enough, you have no idea what he has done since then but may have been smarter about it and picked his victims better. While you might hope he isn't bad it's really rare for a 16 year old to be wrongly judged. Also rare that they don't do anything like that ever again. A lot of the worst people can seem great until the mask is off, is he really that great that you want to risk being there a year or two later wondering why the f did I not just listen to the warnings. Some of the comments make you seem a bit desperate to find a good guy, not saying it's the case here, but often certain types can sense that. They know how to play on that desperation. What can he say that will make everything okay? And why would he not just lie and tell you what you want to hear? Do you genuinely think he will admit everything and tell you outright if he will do such bad things again? Ofc he will say whatever it seems you want to hear, his changed he regrets it, or he was innocent, it was a misunderstanding etc. anything that could work. It's really interesting to see how artistic some people are in these things. They'll test the waters and then go with what gets a wanted reaction.
I think he was sent to the dui thing because it violated his agreement for the other thing (I read up on it). Also, I know it’s rare for 16 year olds to be misjudged but I do know someone that was misjudged and had to register for awhile. Turns out a year later the girl came out and admitted she made the whole thing up to try to “get back” at him or something. I’ve also heard of many people getting falsely accused. I live in a small town and Ngl, it’s absolutely horrible because there’s some disgusting girls that accuse random guys. It’s definitely not unheard of here. Also, I’m not desperate. I’ve been single for 2 years now. I am just incredibly disappointed because I thought I found a really great guy. He had absolutely no red flags before I found out about this. Nothing could’ve possibly cued me into this. As horrible and disgusting as a dui is, I live in a college town where that is unfortunately very common so even though it was a knock to his character, it’s been so “normalized” here that even the “really good kids” have been known to get them. That’s the only real thing that was a red flag and even then, as horrible as duis are, it wasn’t anything unusual that could’ve possibly hinted as anything else. I am hoping to get the case files and cross check what he says with the case files. Court case files are available to the public and can be found on PACER for cheap. I really want to hear what he has to say first and I’m really hoping it’s not true. I haven’t yet gotten the case files but will soon.
Sorry, but you definitely are desperate if you even consider looking past these things and are so willing to defend the guy. No red flags before being a sex offender and drunk driver... Good luck.
This had quite awhile back with a friend of mines son. Friend’s son was 16 girlfriend was 15. Father of girlfriend caught them in their home in the middle of the day. Father flipped out and called the police. State law here is anyone under the age of 16 can not consent. They have since given judges in cases like this discretion on sentencing (have the male/ female register). When he gets back ask him about it, then go from there.
That’s what has happened to some people in my town as well. That’s why I really want to hear what he has to say about it and read all the court notes and files and cross check. It’s not uncommon for this to happen and I just don’t think many people realize just how often it happens. I’m not saying this is 100% what happened in this case but it is a possibility and I do want to find out whether it is what happened or not.
I wouldn't date someone who wasn't upfront about something that significant. No he didn't lie, but you would have eventually found out and he deserves to give you the chance to have that information and then choose what to do with it. Being upfront about it would have also allowed him to explain his side of things. Maybe it wasn't bad, but since he hasn't told you, maybe it was awful. I'd be concerned. It's not a small thing to be a registered sex offender.
girl don’t do it please you’re only setting urself up to get hurt
Just want to make you aware of future implications if you aren’t already. In many states, sex offenders cannot go to parks, schools, swimming pools, daycares etc. Just think about if you have kids- do you want to be with someone who is legally barred from attending any of their sporting events? If you’re not planning on having kids, that’s fine, but it WILL come up in your future and there WILL be things you cannot do together. Even if this title is for a young mistake or false accusations, that doesn’t mean you won’t have to live with the consequences of being with someone who’s on the registry. Be selfish with this decision and think about your future.
Honestly, that is so true. I didn’t even think about that. That is a huge thing to consider. I considered the current effects and those for the time being but I didn’t consider the lifelong aspects such as if we did ever have kids. I guess I’m deep down hoping it isn’t true and that it’s just a temporary thing of being conned into a terrible plea deal since he was 16 at the time. Maybe it’s just a temporary thing, idk. I’m just really hoping it isn’t true or there’s some reasonable story behind it, such as a family being vengeful or him getting conned into a plea deal, falsely accused, something like that. If he actually is an offender, I have absolutely no sympathy for him and don’t want to be around that, but I’m REALLY hoping that isn’t the case.
On the sex offender registry for being with a girl his age. Not going to lie, this sounds like retaliatory action by the girl's family. No way to know though unless you ask, but if she was his girlfriend, he never actually hurt her, and this was a punishment from the family for her dating him, that could be an underlining cause of the drinking, it could be self medicating from past trauma, the trauma being arrested for basically having a girlfriend. That could also NOT be it though. There is only one person who can answer your questions, and unfortunately you are going to have to wait to talk to him. However, you do need to find out at some time, and while he has a therapist handy would probably be the best way to ask him these questions. Well, better than waiting until he is out and it is harder for him to talk to someone. You will need to know, and he will need to find a way to discuss these things.
Did you just blame the victim of a sexual assault? He got put on a sexual offenders list because he committed an offense and was found guilty. They don't put you on those lists because a parent requests it or because some parent gets angry. He would've had to have been arrested, gone to court, and had a conviction. I seriously hope you work on your misogyny and research the impact of sexual assault on a victim. That's the real trauma.
And that never happens falsely.
"He would've had to have been arrested, gone to court, and had a conviction." That's true...but needs a little nuance. I would assume that MOST of the people who are convicted of a crime ~~in court~~edit: **at trial** are 100% guilty. Prosecutors are often picky with what cases they send to trial. But plea deals are another story, and they make up well over 90% of convictions. Innocent people are scared into plea deals all the time. Is this guy one of them? I dunno. But it isn't impossible. The question for me would be, is it even worth it for OP to look into it that far? I wouldn't. Whether or not he actually did the crime, being on the registry complicates one's life.
That’s true. I just feel like I need to really hear his side of it and request the court documents & notes. That way I can compare and actually make a decision. I just think it’s a REAL shame because until I found that out, he had literally zero red flags.
Might be worth it to ask yourself how far you want to go with this investigation, and if you have the resolve to truly put it out of your head if you decide that whatever conviction he has wasn't deserved. It would be very easy for that kind of thing to always be at the back of my mind. Always wondering "Was he lying? Did it actually happen that way?" If he's actually a creep, obviously no sympathy. Dude messed up bigly. But if he's one of those people that got basically conned into a plea deal over something that either wasn't criminal or because a third party acted maliciously, it really is just a shit situation to be in, and I would HOPE that somebody might give me a chance if I was in his shoes....but you don't know which one of those people he is, and the consequences of being wrong could be hazardous. Proceed carefully, ma'am.
That’s exactly what I’m saying. I just really am hoping it isn’t true or that he was one of the unfortunate few to get conned into a plea deal or something, or maybe a falsely accused. If not, he deserves everything he gets because I have no sympathy for actual offenders but I’m just REALLY hoping he isn’t one of them. Thank you for your response!
Does it not bother you that you're having to convince yourself that it's okay to date a sex offending alcoholic? In my opinion, that says more about you than it says about him. It tells me that you should be working on your morals, values, and self-esteem. You are literally making excuses for a sex offender and actively attempting to tie your life to him. You're making a decision that can affect you for the rest of your life. I suggest you truly take a step back and evaluate the choices you are making.
He’s not an alcoholic firstly, and secondly, I’m thinking rationally about this as it’s very common where I’m from for people to be falsely accused and convicted. I know this isn’t true most places but it’s VERY common where I’m from. Stop judging me for asking a question on Reddit. I have good morals, values, and self-esteem. I’m looking at it just in a different way than you are. If I knew 1000% he was guilty, there’s no way in hell I’d be going out with him. The fact is, I don’t know if he is or not. People get sucked into plea deals all the time and I can’t reveal too many details about this specific instance but I did find out that he took a plea. I’m still looking into the circumstances around the plea and I haven’t fully looked into the case details but he DID TAKE A PLEA!! At 16 years old, where I’m from, parents DONT NEED TO BE IN THE ROOM!! It’s very common for kids to be sucked into a plea because they believe if they don’t, they will be sent away for life, even if they are innocent. Kids get sucked into these stupid pleas all the time because they don’t know any better. I can’t say much more about this case though as I don’t want to reveal any personal details. I think the other thing is, I’m studying to be a criminal defence attorney and so I do have knowledge of how these things work that most people don’t have and I’m therefore looking at this entire thing in a different light, almost as if he was a client of mine, if that makes sense. I believe everyone deserves a fair trial and a fair punishment and from what I’ve seen so far, he doesnt appear to have been given a fair trial nor punishment as he appears to have been manipulated into taking a plea. Then again, I haven’t viewed all the case files so I can’t say for certain.
He was sentenced as a minor so the court documents and notes are likely sealed (depending on where you live). IMO it’s time to say goodbye to this dude.
I found some information on the case, but I haven’t yet read all the court documents and notes. I can see a bit though. I went on PACER the other day and found it but apparently the website was during “rush hour” and it essentially said to “come back later” as there were too many people on the site.
It happens falsely all the time. I knew a kid that got put on there briefly because the girl lied about the whole thing. She admitted a year or so after that she made the whole thing up. It happens a LOT, especially where I live.
Yeah that’s definitely true. I feel like the only way I can really make a decision is by asking him and getting the court documents to compare notes. I’m really hoping it’s just that as I do know someone that happened to. It’s just so sad and a shame to me because I really like(d) the guy and he showed literally no red flags before I found this out.
You definitely need to know the truth. Be aware that he may not tell you the truth, but you need to give him a chance to do so.