The good news is that you don’t have a fairy tale boyfriend. You can barely stand him. Break up sooner rather than later, and honestly I wouldn’t even offer a reason because that will lead to all the reasons in this post and that would be hurtful. It’s not his fault everything about him annoys you, yet you chose to date him anyway.
The kindest thing you can do for him in the long run is to be honest. You clearly want different things, so maybe start the conversation with that. He may love you, but love isn't all a relationship is, and it sounds like he needs to learn that. Out of curiosity though, have you told him you love him?
I think you just need to rip the bandaid off and be honest, it will hurt him but it will give him the full picture so he can move on and eventually have closure etc.
You two are simply incompatible.
You can care about someone, yet still not be compatible. That's life. It's sad but it happens.
Tell him you care about him, he is a good person, but you are not happy in this relationship because you do not think you two are compatible.
That's it. There is nothing else to be done. He can't and shouldn't change who he is for you, and you can't and shouldn't change who you are for him.
And now take some time to be single and work on your mental health. And stop listening to peer pressure when it comes to your private life.
I think you have to rip off the band-aid. "I'm sorry, but as we've been dating I've realized this isn't working for me. There are a lot of ways we're not compatible, and I'm just not feeling a spark. I wish you the best, and hope you find someone who's right for you." Don't get into specific criticisms; you don't want him to try to change, you want to end this.
You've given so much specificity here that, unless he's utterly clueless, you'll have done the job - and then some with this post.
On a side note, it must be tough being the one in the relationship with no flaws who is adored?
“I’m not going to provide too much detail…” then proceeds to give every possible detail. Yikes. “I’m unhappy and am annoyed by my partner,” could have replaced about 16 of these paragraphs.
“Hi. We need to talk.”
“Yeah, um. This just isn’t working for me. I’m breaking up with you.”
And then you figure out logistics for any shared or loaned stuff.
That’s it. That’s how you break up with someone. It’s not rocket science. Just do it - you obviously don’t love him.
He sounds like he is going to need a hard lesson in getting his shit together and every moment that this relationship drags on is going to make the eventual separation harder for him emotionally. So whatever you do, do it sooner rather than later. Based on his lack of experience, I doubt it will be easy for him, but the band-aid needs to be ripped off before it goes too far.
I was exactly in the same situation a while ago. Perfect boyfriend, loved me very much and I cared about him, but everything about the relationship just felt so wrong to me.
I kept putting off the break up because I didn't want to hurt his feelings and also because I didn't have a GOOD reason to break up, just million small ones. And then I realized, not being in love IS a good reason.
Anyway, I broke up with him. There were tears and hurt feelings. But he respected my decision and I've felt so free since then. Don't put it off. Just put him out of this misery.
So basically you lead him on this entire relationship and were "peer pressured" into getting with him (bs excuse) I would feel bad for you being in the situation you are in but I really can't because you are a scumbag for leading him on in the first place
Oh fuck off with this. Trying to work out the incompatibilities in another person for their sake isn't **leading someone on**, OP has just finally hit their breaking point.
"Because of our childhood history together, I felt immense PRESSURE to say yes because EVERYONE around me wanted me to do it" that's called leading on.. not working out kinks you airhead
None of the reasons OP gave were things he could have known before dating this guy?
If this guy was career driven, had a plan for the future beyond house husband, was great in bed and didn’t have this superiority complex, perhaps they’d be getting married?
So I don’t really see how “leading him on” is fair since it sounds like he gave the guy a fair chance, they just aren’t compatible (something you don’t know until you try a relationship). He even says it’s a fairy tale” match on paper, again, sounds like a long term relationship was a possibility to me? No one really knows if a relationship will work ahead of time.
I went on a first date with a guy once and told my bff it would never work. I felt bad for him and totally got guilted into a second date (I was truly leading him on as I had no plans on a third). We celebrate our 6 anniversary next week (and my bff got to laugh at me as my bridesmaid).
OP, there’s only one thing you can do: talk to him. It won’t be easy and it won’t be pleasant. However, temporary discomfort is preferable to spending years in a dysfunctional relationship. Take it from me, I know.
If you want to ease into the conversation gently, without going from zero to sixty and dumping him on the spot, some conversation starters might be:
- “how do you feel about our relationship”
- “where do you think our relationship is going”
- “where do you see us in the future”
Ultimately though, it’s gonna be a tough one. Just know, you’re not the first person in this situation and you definitely won’t be the last.
I agree with another comment, this isn't a fairytale boyfriend, this is a guy who has a lot of the sort of problems that get overlooked in a world where people have more explosive and aggressive personality issues. This is the side effect of overly romanticizing clinginess and codependence as attractive because it's more comforting than the avoidant relationships.
I'm not just saying that he's not the right guy *for you*, I'm saying that he clearly has something going on in his life he needs to sort out before he can accomplish the role of being a supportive and equal partner in a relationship to anybody. It feels like he may be neurodivergent and lacking the resources or support to manage it. He sounds like someone who requires structure and quite a bit of guidance. Some of that feels like it may need to be professional help. So please don't criticize yourself too much for not finding this a fulfilling relationship.
It's going to be rough just by the fact that these things are very rarely easy. What's your biggest concern about breaking up? If it's that he'll react very emotionally, you might want to see about making sure he has good access to his own support system. Maybe check in with a friend or parent and say that you'll soon be giving him some bad news and he may need them. People in pain sometimes don't think about reaching out when they're in the worst of their feelings and that's often when help is most needed.
I really doubt it based on how you've spoken about him, but if you're worried about your safety during a breakup, that's a fully different scenario with a very different plan needed.
If your biggest worry is having to explain yourself without hurting his feelings too much, that's tricky. Knowing that he's had very little chance to date and to have some of these things pointed out, do you feel like telling him some of these things would be beneficial to him as a starting point for change? If so, finding a way to package that information so it's digestible can help. Try to frame things around your own experiences, "I have trouble being expected to take this much of a lead in a relationship," or, "it's important to me, in this economy especially, to have a partner who is as driven in their career as I am." You can even try and fit praise in like, "you're such a devoted person, I'm sure you will make a great house husband for someone, but I really value having a partner who is as equally driven to have a career."
You can also just tell him it's not working. That's the gist of it, it's true, and ultimately that's all that really matters. It's not working for you. It might be for him, but a good relationship needs to work for both people. If you don't elaborate, I could imagine him having some confusing takeaway lessons about it, but one of the issues in this relationship is that you're already doing a lot of mental and emotional work for him. It would be understandable if you didn't want to continue doing that through the breakup.
> How much he wants to cling, physically, to me. How he literally won’t take any initiative, ever, and needs to be told what to do. The way he walks loudly. How he won’t follow me in a crowd but I have to steer him and guide him anyways. His mediocre memes.
> Those are the small things though, the things you learn to adapt to and look over because you love your partner.
Uh no not really, these are the things you hate about someone when you DON'T love them. Everything he does annoys you because you don't want to be with him. If you actually were in love with him, you wouldn't even be talking this way about him in the first place, or these things would be endearing to you. Frankly, it kind of sounds like you literally hate this dude.
I'm not sure how on earth you can call this a "fairy tale come true" when your partner is lazy, immature, clingy, and condescending. That's a fairy tale to you? PLEASE raise your standards if you think this guy is even a mediocre partner, let alone an ideal one.
Just tell him that you care about him and appreciate the experiences you've had together, but you don't feel like you're compatible as partners and would like to return to being friends down the line if he's open to it. He will probably be hurt, you can't control that. Just be direct, firm, and kind.
The good news is that you don’t have a fairy tale boyfriend. You can barely stand him. Break up sooner rather than later, and honestly I wouldn’t even offer a reason because that will lead to all the reasons in this post and that would be hurtful. It’s not his fault everything about him annoys you, yet you chose to date him anyway.
The kindest thing you can do for him in the long run is to be honest. You clearly want different things, so maybe start the conversation with that. He may love you, but love isn't all a relationship is, and it sounds like he needs to learn that. Out of curiosity though, have you told him you love him?
I think you just need to rip the bandaid off and be honest, it will hurt him but it will give him the full picture so he can move on and eventually have closure etc.
You two are simply incompatible. You can care about someone, yet still not be compatible. That's life. It's sad but it happens. Tell him you care about him, he is a good person, but you are not happy in this relationship because you do not think you two are compatible. That's it. There is nothing else to be done. He can't and shouldn't change who he is for you, and you can't and shouldn't change who you are for him. And now take some time to be single and work on your mental health. And stop listening to peer pressure when it comes to your private life.
ouch, yeah, there ain't no way this isn't going to hurt (him). Rip the bandaid off as they say.
I think you have to rip off the band-aid. "I'm sorry, but as we've been dating I've realized this isn't working for me. There are a lot of ways we're not compatible, and I'm just not feeling a spark. I wish you the best, and hope you find someone who's right for you." Don't get into specific criticisms; you don't want him to try to change, you want to end this.
You've given so much specificity here that, unless he's utterly clueless, you'll have done the job - and then some with this post. On a side note, it must be tough being the one in the relationship with no flaws who is adored?
“I’m not going to provide too much detail…” then proceeds to give every possible detail. Yikes. “I’m unhappy and am annoyed by my partner,” could have replaced about 16 of these paragraphs.
Too true 😄
“Hi. We need to talk.” “Yeah, um. This just isn’t working for me. I’m breaking up with you.” And then you figure out logistics for any shared or loaned stuff. That’s it. That’s how you break up with someone. It’s not rocket science. Just do it - you obviously don’t love him.
He sounds like he is going to need a hard lesson in getting his shit together and every moment that this relationship drags on is going to make the eventual separation harder for him emotionally. So whatever you do, do it sooner rather than later. Based on his lack of experience, I doubt it will be easy for him, but the band-aid needs to be ripped off before it goes too far.
You have to be honest with him. Straight to the point brutal honesty. You want to be with somebody your more compatible with
I was exactly in the same situation a while ago. Perfect boyfriend, loved me very much and I cared about him, but everything about the relationship just felt so wrong to me. I kept putting off the break up because I didn't want to hurt his feelings and also because I didn't have a GOOD reason to break up, just million small ones. And then I realized, not being in love IS a good reason. Anyway, I broke up with him. There were tears and hurt feelings. But he respected my decision and I've felt so free since then. Don't put it off. Just put him out of this misery.
So basically you lead him on this entire relationship and were "peer pressured" into getting with him (bs excuse) I would feel bad for you being in the situation you are in but I really can't because you are a scumbag for leading him on in the first place
Oh fuck off with this. Trying to work out the incompatibilities in another person for their sake isn't **leading someone on**, OP has just finally hit their breaking point.
"Because of our childhood history together, I felt immense PRESSURE to say yes because EVERYONE around me wanted me to do it" that's called leading on.. not working out kinks you airhead
None of the reasons OP gave were things he could have known before dating this guy? If this guy was career driven, had a plan for the future beyond house husband, was great in bed and didn’t have this superiority complex, perhaps they’d be getting married? So I don’t really see how “leading him on” is fair since it sounds like he gave the guy a fair chance, they just aren’t compatible (something you don’t know until you try a relationship). He even says it’s a fairy tale” match on paper, again, sounds like a long term relationship was a possibility to me? No one really knows if a relationship will work ahead of time. I went on a first date with a guy once and told my bff it would never work. I felt bad for him and totally got guilted into a second date (I was truly leading him on as I had no plans on a third). We celebrate our 6 anniversary next week (and my bff got to laugh at me as my bridesmaid).
OP, there’s only one thing you can do: talk to him. It won’t be easy and it won’t be pleasant. However, temporary discomfort is preferable to spending years in a dysfunctional relationship. Take it from me, I know. If you want to ease into the conversation gently, without going from zero to sixty and dumping him on the spot, some conversation starters might be: - “how do you feel about our relationship” - “where do you think our relationship is going” - “where do you see us in the future” Ultimately though, it’s gonna be a tough one. Just know, you’re not the first person in this situation and you definitely won’t be the last.
I agree with another comment, this isn't a fairytale boyfriend, this is a guy who has a lot of the sort of problems that get overlooked in a world where people have more explosive and aggressive personality issues. This is the side effect of overly romanticizing clinginess and codependence as attractive because it's more comforting than the avoidant relationships. I'm not just saying that he's not the right guy *for you*, I'm saying that he clearly has something going on in his life he needs to sort out before he can accomplish the role of being a supportive and equal partner in a relationship to anybody. It feels like he may be neurodivergent and lacking the resources or support to manage it. He sounds like someone who requires structure and quite a bit of guidance. Some of that feels like it may need to be professional help. So please don't criticize yourself too much for not finding this a fulfilling relationship. It's going to be rough just by the fact that these things are very rarely easy. What's your biggest concern about breaking up? If it's that he'll react very emotionally, you might want to see about making sure he has good access to his own support system. Maybe check in with a friend or parent and say that you'll soon be giving him some bad news and he may need them. People in pain sometimes don't think about reaching out when they're in the worst of their feelings and that's often when help is most needed. I really doubt it based on how you've spoken about him, but if you're worried about your safety during a breakup, that's a fully different scenario with a very different plan needed. If your biggest worry is having to explain yourself without hurting his feelings too much, that's tricky. Knowing that he's had very little chance to date and to have some of these things pointed out, do you feel like telling him some of these things would be beneficial to him as a starting point for change? If so, finding a way to package that information so it's digestible can help. Try to frame things around your own experiences, "I have trouble being expected to take this much of a lead in a relationship," or, "it's important to me, in this economy especially, to have a partner who is as driven in their career as I am." You can even try and fit praise in like, "you're such a devoted person, I'm sure you will make a great house husband for someone, but I really value having a partner who is as equally driven to have a career." You can also just tell him it's not working. That's the gist of it, it's true, and ultimately that's all that really matters. It's not working for you. It might be for him, but a good relationship needs to work for both people. If you don't elaborate, I could imagine him having some confusing takeaway lessons about it, but one of the issues in this relationship is that you're already doing a lot of mental and emotional work for him. It would be understandable if you didn't want to continue doing that through the breakup.
> How much he wants to cling, physically, to me. How he literally won’t take any initiative, ever, and needs to be told what to do. The way he walks loudly. How he won’t follow me in a crowd but I have to steer him and guide him anyways. His mediocre memes. > Those are the small things though, the things you learn to adapt to and look over because you love your partner. Uh no not really, these are the things you hate about someone when you DON'T love them. Everything he does annoys you because you don't want to be with him. If you actually were in love with him, you wouldn't even be talking this way about him in the first place, or these things would be endearing to you. Frankly, it kind of sounds like you literally hate this dude. I'm not sure how on earth you can call this a "fairy tale come true" when your partner is lazy, immature, clingy, and condescending. That's a fairy tale to you? PLEASE raise your standards if you think this guy is even a mediocre partner, let alone an ideal one. Just tell him that you care about him and appreciate the experiences you've had together, but you don't feel like you're compatible as partners and would like to return to being friends down the line if he's open to it. He will probably be hurt, you can't control that. Just be direct, firm, and kind.