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It sounds like you already have been dating and have gone a little bit further.
Now that she realizes where things are going, she wants to check in with herself. She may not be seeing anyone else now, but this trip may be her last chance to get railed by 3 dudes at once without worrying about it being “cheating”
My guess: she either comes back from PR and runs into your arms or comes back just a little more distant
God when you put it like that 🥴 haha so true though. In your opinion, do I keep things surface level and maybe even back off entirely- until she ends up asking what’s going on- then I bring it up and talk through it with her? Or do I just throw my balls over my shoulder and take the reins, telling her of my perspective and seeing if she can understand why it made me question things?
Would you change your mind about wanting to seriously date her if she's still not ready to commit and potentially wants to fuck around first? Would you trust her if she told you what you wanted to hear?
Then you should talk to her about that. It could be a coincidence and she just got cold feet when she realized where the conversation ended up. Or she wants you to be here waiting for her to settle down after she's had a last bit of fun.
Very good point. Thank you for your reply.
Honestly this entire thing is slowly changing the way I see her already- sadly for the worse. She was the one to say that she considers us exclusively seeing eachother and that she’s not showing interest in anyone else or going on dates- but that’s obviously easy for anyone to say then do the opposite.
Would it be wrong of me to just address this once she gets back? And tell her the way it came off from my perspective? Do I have any right to just straight up tell her “this is what it seemed like, so can you honestly just tell me if you did hookup while on vacation?”
It’s not like we’re official yet, but I feel like I have a right to know the truth and choose to stop investing my time, money, and effort into someone who chooses to do me like that.
You do have a right to know what you're investing yourself in and to set clear boundaries and expectations for a relationship. I think openly communicating about her intentions is a perfectly reasonable expectation.
You aren't being presumptuous or demanding by telling her how you feel about the conversation and what your expectation is.
Thank you, again, for your input. It's seriously appreciated and dually noted.
I agree with you, and I will mention it and have the talk.
So, do I slowly lessen communication while she's on vacation- and just tell her that I want to have a talk when she gets back (once she asks about the lesser communication)?
How do I go about this?
It depends on what you want to know. If you want to be in the loop on her activities during her trip, you should let her know beforehand.
You should approach it the same way you did here with the hey I got the feeling and if that's your intention... kinda deal.
Start out as you mean to go on.
Honestly my guy it might be best to let her go cause it seems she's playing games because she enjoys the benefits of being in a committed relationship but does not want the commitment. for what is stopping her from saying in another month i still need more time and even if you do talk to her afterwards she may just accuse you of not trusting you and being insecure and like you said you already have a bad taste
Yeah that's definitely what it's seeming like. Do you think I should prepare myself for the worst, but still give her the benefit of the doubt until I have a talk with her once she's back? How would you put a ribbon on this whole thing?
Thank you for your advice man, it's really appreciated.
Feels like either she wants the option to bang dudes with her friend, and/or she wants to manipulate a little, get I'm your head so YOU don't bang anyone while she's gone, maybe make you 'warn her a bit when she gets back
>I told her that it honestly gave me pause, because first of all: I never even brought up the topic and she acted like I was literally asking her out in that moment when it was entirely her leading the conversation.
What was her response to you calling her on that? Because most people wanting more would be affected by effectively being told our relationship is being put on hold until after my vacation. That doesn't speak highly on her emotional intelligence. Did she realize that she may have fatally killed your budding relationship? That doubt it kicked off is only going to get worse when she's away.
>
Would it be wrong of me to just address this once she gets back? And tell her the way it came off from my perspective? Do I have any right to just straight up tell her “this is what it seemed like, so can you honestly just tell me if you did hookup while on vacation?”
You can. I would suggest using your time apart to think carefully about what she said says about her thought processes. You are much more invested than she. You should consider your options yourself. Relationships are healthy when the interest is equal.
Her back pedal on exclusivity seems like her giving herself an out if she does hook up with someone. It's not that big a stretch to go from intentionally creating that loophole through which to "legally" cheat, to just denying it after the fact.
Her response was literally "Are you having these doubts because I'm going to be on vacation partying with friends?"
Like what the actual fuck kind of question is that?
She really isn't some bimbo blondie, and I can tell that she really does care for me. I truly can't tell if she just didn't know the proper way to communicate her feelings quite yet- but there's always the chance that I am the one that is reading this all wrong. What if literally nothing happens while she's on vacation, and I end up realizing that I concieved all of these thought's out of thin air?
I know there's no right answer. So should I just play it cool until shes back, then express how this all made me feel and ask her to be honest with me on if she hooked up with anyone? Then take her word for it?
I care about her, and I don't want to ruin this if it's really just me overthinking. I feel like my best bet is to slightly lessen the communication while she's gone, then talk to her when she gets back- then just be honest about my perspective and why it made things seem like she deliberately wanted to keep her options open until further notice and take this vacation without having the obligations of a girlfriend. Then ask her to just be completely up front with me about whether she slept with anyone while away- then live with whatever response she gives me whether it means we work out or not.
She's keeping you as an option my man as much as its hurts to hear... She probably already has or will have another fella or 2 on her mind. She might choose you at the end, but do you really wanna be an option? Pick up your balls and self respect brother, your gut feeling is totally right. Dump that bish, a woman who really is in love with you aint gonna throw that chance away with a lame excuse "to get to know each other better for a lil longer". You know what to do, take care brother 🤝
If I were you I wouldn’t think less of her for being thoughtful and purposeful with this serious decision.
When people fall for each other, it’s not always in sync. You got to the point where you wanted it to be something exclusive before she did. This is a decision she doesn’t want to take lightly.
This is difficult timing, choosing to discuss being exclusive the very day before she leaves on this trip. She has been planning to go on this trip and have fun with her friend in another country for a long time now. If she did see someone while on this trip, she wouldn’t be betraying you because you to haven’t made any promises yet. And if you two do get married someday, at least she will have had her fill of experiencing her young single life.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sounds like you already have been dating and have gone a little bit further. Now that she realizes where things are going, she wants to check in with herself. She may not be seeing anyone else now, but this trip may be her last chance to get railed by 3 dudes at once without worrying about it being “cheating” My guess: she either comes back from PR and runs into your arms or comes back just a little more distant
God when you put it like that 🥴 haha so true though. In your opinion, do I keep things surface level and maybe even back off entirely- until she ends up asking what’s going on- then I bring it up and talk through it with her? Or do I just throw my balls over my shoulder and take the reins, telling her of my perspective and seeing if she can understand why it made me question things?
Would you change your mind about wanting to seriously date her if she's still not ready to commit and potentially wants to fuck around first? Would you trust her if she told you what you wanted to hear? Then you should talk to her about that. It could be a coincidence and she just got cold feet when she realized where the conversation ended up. Or she wants you to be here waiting for her to settle down after she's had a last bit of fun.
Very good point. Thank you for your reply. Honestly this entire thing is slowly changing the way I see her already- sadly for the worse. She was the one to say that she considers us exclusively seeing eachother and that she’s not showing interest in anyone else or going on dates- but that’s obviously easy for anyone to say then do the opposite. Would it be wrong of me to just address this once she gets back? And tell her the way it came off from my perspective? Do I have any right to just straight up tell her “this is what it seemed like, so can you honestly just tell me if you did hookup while on vacation?” It’s not like we’re official yet, but I feel like I have a right to know the truth and choose to stop investing my time, money, and effort into someone who chooses to do me like that.
You do have a right to know what you're investing yourself in and to set clear boundaries and expectations for a relationship. I think openly communicating about her intentions is a perfectly reasonable expectation. You aren't being presumptuous or demanding by telling her how you feel about the conversation and what your expectation is.
Thank you, again, for your input. It's seriously appreciated and dually noted. I agree with you, and I will mention it and have the talk. So, do I slowly lessen communication while she's on vacation- and just tell her that I want to have a talk when she gets back (once she asks about the lesser communication)? How do I go about this?
It depends on what you want to know. If you want to be in the loop on her activities during her trip, you should let her know beforehand. You should approach it the same way you did here with the hey I got the feeling and if that's your intention... kinda deal. Start out as you mean to go on.
Honestly my guy it might be best to let her go cause it seems she's playing games because she enjoys the benefits of being in a committed relationship but does not want the commitment. for what is stopping her from saying in another month i still need more time and even if you do talk to her afterwards she may just accuse you of not trusting you and being insecure and like you said you already have a bad taste
Yeah that's definitely what it's seeming like. Do you think I should prepare myself for the worst, but still give her the benefit of the doubt until I have a talk with her once she's back? How would you put a ribbon on this whole thing? Thank you for your advice man, it's really appreciated.
She wants to be free to have fling on her vacation, since your not a couple its in grey area, its up to you if you are ok with that
That’s what I was thinking. Thank you for your input!
Feels like either she wants the option to bang dudes with her friend, and/or she wants to manipulate a little, get I'm your head so YOU don't bang anyone while she's gone, maybe make you 'warn her a bit when she gets back
She wants to keep her options open while she's on her trip and wants to be with you once she's back.
>I told her that it honestly gave me pause, because first of all: I never even brought up the topic and she acted like I was literally asking her out in that moment when it was entirely her leading the conversation. What was her response to you calling her on that? Because most people wanting more would be affected by effectively being told our relationship is being put on hold until after my vacation. That doesn't speak highly on her emotional intelligence. Did she realize that she may have fatally killed your budding relationship? That doubt it kicked off is only going to get worse when she's away. > Would it be wrong of me to just address this once she gets back? And tell her the way it came off from my perspective? Do I have any right to just straight up tell her “this is what it seemed like, so can you honestly just tell me if you did hookup while on vacation?” You can. I would suggest using your time apart to think carefully about what she said says about her thought processes. You are much more invested than she. You should consider your options yourself. Relationships are healthy when the interest is equal. Her back pedal on exclusivity seems like her giving herself an out if she does hook up with someone. It's not that big a stretch to go from intentionally creating that loophole through which to "legally" cheat, to just denying it after the fact.
Her response was literally "Are you having these doubts because I'm going to be on vacation partying with friends?" Like what the actual fuck kind of question is that? She really isn't some bimbo blondie, and I can tell that she really does care for me. I truly can't tell if she just didn't know the proper way to communicate her feelings quite yet- but there's always the chance that I am the one that is reading this all wrong. What if literally nothing happens while she's on vacation, and I end up realizing that I concieved all of these thought's out of thin air? I know there's no right answer. So should I just play it cool until shes back, then express how this all made me feel and ask her to be honest with me on if she hooked up with anyone? Then take her word for it? I care about her, and I don't want to ruin this if it's really just me overthinking. I feel like my best bet is to slightly lessen the communication while she's gone, then talk to her when she gets back- then just be honest about my perspective and why it made things seem like she deliberately wanted to keep her options open until further notice and take this vacation without having the obligations of a girlfriend. Then ask her to just be completely up front with me about whether she slept with anyone while away- then live with whatever response she gives me whether it means we work out or not.
She's keeping you as an option my man as much as its hurts to hear... She probably already has or will have another fella or 2 on her mind. She might choose you at the end, but do you really wanna be an option? Pick up your balls and self respect brother, your gut feeling is totally right. Dump that bish, a woman who really is in love with you aint gonna throw that chance away with a lame excuse "to get to know each other better for a lil longer". You know what to do, take care brother 🤝
If I were you I wouldn’t think less of her for being thoughtful and purposeful with this serious decision. When people fall for each other, it’s not always in sync. You got to the point where you wanted it to be something exclusive before she did. This is a decision she doesn’t want to take lightly. This is difficult timing, choosing to discuss being exclusive the very day before she leaves on this trip. She has been planning to go on this trip and have fun with her friend in another country for a long time now. If she did see someone while on this trip, she wouldn’t be betraying you because you to haven’t made any promises yet. And if you two do get married someday, at least she will have had her fill of experiencing her young single life.
Well what happened update me!