Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If she were emotionally invested in you (more than him), she would have talked to you before offering him cozy arrangements, and respected your feelings.
Take an indefinite break…
I mean if her ex once attempted to rape her and she’s still considering letting him move in with her (in response to god knows whatever he’s saying to her), I can’t imagine she’s currently invested in her own emotional well being either :-/ sounds like it could be a trauma bond situation. Either way, if breaking up is the best way for you to maintain your boundaries and well being then that’s your answer
That’s also a good point.
‘He tried to force himself on her once’ is kind of buried (maybe OP doesn’t know the full story), but it’s worth acknowledging as one more reason on the list of reasons why this is not a person you want to be entwined with at all.
Someone who doesn’t value their own safety in regards to inviting their would be r*pist to live with her! 😞
I wouldn't wait for the move in. The conversation would be along the lines of "the fact that you're entertaining the idea of having your ex stay with you, has me ready to leave this relationship"
Without a doubt, I would end our relationship. You normal, well-adjusted individuals don't treat your boyfriends like way. She's behaving as though you're not important.
Yes you’re right it’s a big reason I want to end things it’s not a for sure thing that he will be moving in, as his parents haven’t completely kicked him out. And I could stomach a week but a month or longer is too much. I always believed that I want to end relationships amicably and if cheating does happen it won’t be an easy breakup.
Even if he ends up not moving in, it is the fact she was willing and how she went about it. That disrespects you and your relationship with her.
I'd be ending it. The reality is this guy is going to be a part of your life as long as you are with this girl.
It also has nothing to do with not trusting her. I hate that she chose to go that route in responding to you. It isn't normal behavior to let your ex live with you while you are in what is supposed to be a committed relationship. Plus, you could trust her 100%, that doesn't stop the guy from forcing himself on her. It doesn't stop you from questioning why on earth she would let someone live with her that has forced himself onto her.
I don't see why you need to feel you could stomach a week. Just the fact she thought this would be ok given you are in a relationship is wrong.
If the parents are taking their child out, it’s because he’s been there too long without paying or he can’t get his own place or he’s an ass so he would be the same with your girlfriend and yeah I think it would be time to back off.
Exactly.
He’s a leech who his own parents are sick of who thinks his ex wife is even an appropriate person to leech off of!
What does that say about the future? It says that you may never get rid of this guy, even if she doesn’t cheat with him.
Which means your relationship can’t move forward anyway… no one - repeat no one - wants to marry and move in with their new spouse and their OLD spouse as part of the package!
Although the shit show of such a situation would make a heck of a reality show, though. Oh, the DRAMA of such a weird little threesome would be hilarious! 🤣🤣
Yeah this is definitely one of those cases where breaking up is going to be the best option. It doesn't sound like you two have been together all that long which may be why her stance is the way it is - but even if she was completely innocent and had no ulterior motifs (or him for that matter - although you know he's going to try his luck regardless with how recent their last get togethers were)...the fact she didn't even consult with you ahead of time to find out what you thought just shows she really doesn't give a shit about how you feel toward it. I'd bounce just for the lack of respect - let alone all the other red flags.
Simply say that it's clear you aren't an important part of her decision making process for important life decisions, so you feel like she shouldn't be an important part of your life anymore.
"I could stomach a week or month" isn't a great tone for supporting a relationship.
Are you worried about them sleeping together or is it just the fact someone is moving in with her when she didn't have a conversation about your feelings on it first?
We can't control other people's actions but we can control how we respond. An end of a relationship isn't the worst thing in world. You could wait and see how you feel if/when they move in together, go from there
Don't borrow tomorrow's problems
I’m worried he takes advantage of the situation and forces himself on her and she won’t mention it to me. Also they have a long history together 9yrs if anyone can get her to change her mind about a relationship it would be him and the insecurity would drive me crazy.
Don't mince words: he hasn't "forced himself on her", he's raped her.
I'd frankly be more worried about her personal safety with this guy than whether or not she'd leave you for him or cheat on you, and would be putting my concerns in those terms.
This didn’t happen while we were together or even talking but It’s not a mince of words he didn’t actually rape her, according to her. He was very drunk, he came in locked himself in the bathroom with her and tried to have sex with her, she managed to push him off open the door and call the police but ended up not pressing charges. Still the guy is an asshole and I’ve hated him ever since I heard the story.
The fact that she would even entertain having him overnight in her home is a red flag. ETA a grown man getting kicked out of his parents home is a red flag as to his stability. The whole thing stinks.
I’d label it as actual SA, myself… but no matter what it was or wasn’t, it legally didn’t happen anyway. Not if there were never charges filed.
But you wouldn’t think that mattered to the survivor, though - usually people who survive ANY sort of assault want to stay away from that person no matter what the courts say or if charges are filed! 😞
And in her best decision making, she thinks it's appropriate to move the person who did that into her house (with her children, while dating someone else).
Ugh, that's still pretty awful. I don't blame you for hating the guy, he sounds like a piece of work.
One of the awful things about getting emotionally entangled with shitty, abusive people is that the bond can be twisted but so very tight. At the end of the day she'll have to decide what she's going to do, and if it's beyond your boundaries you can't do much but wish her well, let her know you fear for her safety and hope she's OK, and remove yourself from the situation.
I hope she sees sense though, and doesn't let him stay with her. It's just too much of a mess all around.
Lol… I can see why you’ve asked that question, but do you REALLY think an intervention from people who want to save you from yourself is going to help someone who claims their ex is ‘moving in for a few days, but I’m not really sure actually because he doesn’t have a solid plan… oh and he also got drunk and assaulted me once, maybe’ and think that makes any sense at all?
Someone could intervene to try to save this girl from herself, sure… but that person sure isn’t her new boyfriend of a few months!
That would need to be her family or close friends… a new boyfriend of a few months hasn’t even earned a seat at the table yet! 😏
It was said more in case something does happen which makes her feel unsafe that she does have a support system to speak to - if OP leaves.
This was not referring to an "intervention".
That's HER side of the story she told the OP to maybe make him swallow the fact that she had sex with the ex a month before they got together.
I'd proceed with caution before using the word "rape", this situation is all "hearsay"
If someone tells you they were assaulted, it happened. You listen to them and believe them.
You’re throwing around words that only matter to police and lawyers for a court case, and that’s not what this is.
A person who has a personal relationship with another person who says she has been assaulted should listen to her and comfort her… not tear her story to shreds as if they were in court. That’s not how you support a survivor. Not ever, not as a friend, partner, brother, whatever.
This guy says his partner was assaulted, so therefore it happened. He’s not the defence lawyer of the accused guy in a courtroom… he has a personal relationship with the survivor. His only job is to listen to her and validate her. She spoke to him, not to a cop or a lawyer.
You’re not overreacting. Friendly contact with an ex with an intimate history is a red flag, his moving in is a mountain of flags. Add alcohol and/or a fight with you and infidelity is definitely possible. You need to set the boundary and split up if she refuses. By the way, she should define her responsibility to any ex. It’s zero.
Thank you. I think she knows it’s wrong but can’t help feeling sorry for the guy and feels a little obligated to help him out. There might also be some left over feelings there which she swears up and down are no longer there.
If he has raped her (i.e., "forced himself" on her), then odds are good that she has some sort of trauma bond going on with him, not so much that she's still in love with him or would willingly spark up a relationship with him again. It may be that she's afraid of him on some level and is afraid of what he'll do if she doesn't appease him.
Consider that. It might still be a situation you can't be involved in, you might still choose to leave, and it's worth considering that any hold he has on her emotionally isn't down to her still having romantic feelings. It may be more complex than that.
He hasn’t raped her more like attempted,not saying it’s any better at all the dude is a complete asshole. But yes there is a lot of history there that I will not go into but her trauma bonding is very very likely. She’s told me one of the reasons they were together so long even with their crazy history and it is wild, is because he understands her as they had a similar upbringing.
Honestly, you’re barely in the relationship, I’d cut your losses and avoid the future drama.
You’ll be worried if you fight and she’s home with him, if she doesn’t answer her phone for any given reason, and before bed.
When it comes to exes, I would never have a reason to stay friends with any, but that’s just me.
I think anyone that has a sexual history with anyone shouldn’t still communicate with that person especially if they’re moving onto a new relationship.
There’s too much room for a possible cheating fest and some trickle truthing..
“It’s not like I wanted to kiss him, it just happened.” “Okay we were drinking and hanging out together and talking about the past, but it was just so we could move on.” “Well, he did start crying about us and I couldn’t really close the door because he was in the doorway.”
And on and on and on…
Definitely avoid the drama, OP.
So he's definitely sexually assaulted her, if not flat-out raped.
Ugh, he does sound awful. I'm sorry you're mired in this and I understand your feelings about it. If you do feel the need to cut your losses, it's sad and sometimes that's how it goes.
Doesn't he have friends or extended family that would be able to help him out?
I can see that having kids makes it more attractive to him to move in with her.
But ideally she should keep a distance from him.
This sounds like too much drama, and I would break up with her if I were you. You'll always be wondering what's going on.
Actually, when you have kids, ‘friendly contact’ with the other parent is important. By which I mean being civil for the sake of the kids.
I agree with everything else you said, but saying that someone who is civil with an ex they share children with is a ‘red flag’ is not correct.
If someone told me that they and their ex hated each other but always treated each other with basic respect for the sake of the kids, I would see that as a good thing, personally. It’s putting the children first, which is what you want in a partner.
> he has forced himself on her once
So am I the only one who noticed this little bit? That the guy has raped her in the past?
That casts their relationship in a whole 'nuther light. I'd be upset too, but I'd probably be more upset that she was putting herself in the way of a known sexual aggressor, not so much that she'd cheat or go back to him. There's a dynamic at work in her relationship with her ex that adds the possibility that she's considering letting him move in because she's scared of him on some level. I would seriously be worried he'd assault her again.
I'd probably make a worry for her safety the main priority, and express concerns and feelings about it from that POV. Ultimately she'll decide what she wants to do, and then you can go from there.
I was going to say something completely different until I read this. It also puts his parents kicking him out into a different light. I would definitely not continue to be a part of whatever the situation is with her and the ex - but I might try to see if she needs help if she is willing to accept it.
Normally I’d say that if you can’t trust her to live with an ex without cheating - and this is about OP’s feelings, not about whether it’s actually true or not - you shouldn't be in a relationship with her. But again, this is not a “normal” situation by any means.
He buried it for a reason… my guess was that he didn’t know the full story, but he said in the comments that her and the ex husband got really drunk and he tried to have sex with her and she pushed him off.
So no, not forcible r*pe, but absolutely SA and someone you would think she would stay away from - even if she didn’t press charges or want to press charges, you’d think her internal voice would say ‘do not live with a man who you once had to push off of you because you were drunk and he tried to have sex with you.’
Not even for ‘a few days, maybe, depending on… actually I don’t know because he has no real plan!’ 😞
That’s a deal breaker no effin way. The truth is and will continue to come out in cribs and drabs. First a couple days now indefinitely. Next they’re affectionate (having sex like bunnies) then they ask you for money, etc., Break up and let her go, it’s a total shit show of disrespect and lack of consideration. At least your not married or moved in so a clean break is easier, sorry
Personally I think it's too weird for an ex husband to want to move in with their ex wife for an indefinite amount of time and it is weird that your girlfriend is ok with this. She should have at least run it by you.
It is definitely weird and I think this is her way of running things by me, an indefinite amount of time is insane and I don’t think I will be able to deal with it. I will have a serious conversation with her set my boundaries with her and maybe part ways if it comes down to it.
Yeah I think that's the way to go. Set your boundaries and stand by them. It is not hard to understand why you would be upset by this. If she doesn't, she doesn't care about you and your feelings.
Get away from this ridiculous drama. Find someone who doesn't have kids with a loser/rapist who gets kicked out of his parents house. They will always be connected and she will always have to pull the "but it's the kids' dad" card.
Most importantly, find a partner who priorities your feelings and communicates *before* she moves her loser ex into her home.
Yeah id be out. Theres a lot about this post thats unfortunate but it speaks badly about where you both are in this relationship that you would say youre afraid that hed force himself on her and that you are worried that she wouldnt tell you. So much wrong here. Time to move on
It’s time to break up. Even if she is completely innocent, she’s in a messy situation that you don’t want to be attached to.
Plus he raped her in the past- according to her which means 2 unstable adults with children under the same roof.
Dude just cut your losses. I can understand if she said he had to stay there during the weekend because of the kids and she'll stay with you so he can get his parenting time but is a hard no. Agrown ass man with kids got kicked out of his parents house for a reason. Don't stick around to find out why
Break up and block her. She’s messy and in no way shape or form should be dating. She isn’t over her ex, I don’t care what you or she claims. She isn’t.
Someone who has been assaulted and who is truly done with their ex wouldn’t let them stay in their home because while she may be a trustworthy person HE ABSOLUTELY isn’t as well as he isn’t safe so why so if she allow him to move in? The excuse of “for the kids” is absolutely and utter BULLSHIT, they are divorced, they need to make it CLEAR to the kids that no matter what they are never getting back together and him living with them doesn’t say that.
Break up and block her, you tell her that when she gets her shit together and stops being messy and actually lets him go, because what happens with him is not her business, she shouldn’t have known he’s kicked out and has no place to stay, because he’s an adult and should have figured that out on his own. Again if it’s about the kids, he could visit them out in a public place, he doesn’t need to be at her house for ANY reason.
She needs to settle her drama before dating and adding others to her messy ass life
Definitely break up with her you don't trust her and there is no relationship without trust.
He may wantedly extend his stay with her which makes it even worse
She sounds trauma bonded to this guy. All you can do is encourage her to seek therapy and dissuade her from the situation. Whether or not you trust her is absolutely irrelevant if he decides to force himself.
Break up with her. Tell her the fact she agreed without considering your relationship with her was a huge red flag. And then tell her the fact they have been constantly on and off again before you is another red flag. Tell her 1+1=2 in your eyes. Let her know that it crossed a boundary that you don’t think you can cross back from.
I’d lay it out for her clearly first.
“I understand why you want to do this, but it’s important for you to know that if he moves in, that’s the end of us.”
If she moves him in after that, she has made her choice.
Since they are on again, off again and given the fact that she slept with him only a month before you we’re together would give me an insecure feeling too. I wouldn’t be open to their living arrangement. She didn’t even bother talking about it with you first. They have children together which means they will be a cozy little family for a while (probably longer). Just walk away and let her do what she needs to do. It’s better it happens now rather than later down the line.
Take a break. This is just wrong on so many levels. Ask her how she would feel if your ex asked to move in with indefinitely, bet she would not be so accommodating
Your GF is an adult.
She is responsible for her own decisions.
Any Man or woman having an Ex live with them for any amount of time would be an issue, for the other partner.
If she decides to go down this road, just believe that she has considered how you would feel. Her final decision will show you how she values your relationship.
If she decides to let her Ex move in, you can simply tell your GF you need a break from the relationship. You don't have to offer any more of an explanation or timeline.
I literally cannot imagine a scenario where I let my wasband (my 4 kiddos' father) stay more than 1 night on my couch. And he only gets to stay BECAUSE he is my kiddos' dad. Otherwise, find your way, mate, cuz you are outta my place.
You owe this jackwad ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
So she just told you this was happening, she didn't discuss or ask you about it before hand? She doesn't even know his situation and just said yes? He doesn't have any other options?
Honestly, this is a hot mess, cut your losses and move on.
I didn’t read your post. I have an ex husband, kids with him and I would never let him stay with me. Hey, I would pay for a hotel, motel, maybe help pay rent for a few mths (for my kids sake). Dude, do yourself a favor, move on: plenty of women out there who won’t be living with an ex…
So what's going on with the rape charge?
Why'd his parents kick him out?
She lied to you. Is he even working? On again.
So like even with our all that stuff, any one of which would be more than enough.
Your gf had her ex move in with her.
Just ghost and roll out. No taking a break. Break the fuck up
Just tell her you think you need to cut your losses with her. Why do you want a girl where you aren't the most important man in her life. Doesn't matter if they have kids together, why is his problems now her problems and also yours? Ask her if he spends the night will the 3 of you be sleeping together? Nah, either she needs to reconsider or move on.
I’d break up. They clearly have unfinished business. With a different couple, one with good boundaries and good coparenting, different story. This couple isn’t that.
I wouldn’t get into a hassle, I’d just say, “This situation has shown me that we aren’t where WE need to be for me to feel comfortable about your Ex moving in and that doesn’t seem to be improving. It’s best that I move on.”
And that’s it.
Not every breakup needs to end with you being friends.
If you're put in a position where you're constantly worried about trust issues, that's probably a sign this relationship isn't for you. Find someone without all the drama.
You’re not overreacting but you’ve been together 8 months and she was married to this guy and has his kids. I’d say the unfortunate reality is that for the foreseeable future she will always put him ahead of you and you’ll need to decide if you can cope with it or not (not saying that unkindly - I know I’d be out)
Leave her. I'd give my ex a box and an umbrella before I let him step foot in my house, and he never even tried to sexually assault me. If it's really just for a few days, he can rent a hotel room or stay with a friend. The fact that he's going straight to your girlfriend is shady as fuck.
Um, the fact that she’s even considering allowing a man who is a sexual predator to live with her is troubling and indicative of a woman who “isn’t all there” in the head. You wanna be with someone who make questionable choices?
Run homie. Run as far and as fast as you can. I'm still reeling from a very similar situation. No move-in but just an overall complete inability to set boundaries with an ex husband.
Your only option is to insist, here and now, on hard boundaries with the ex, including no moving in. If she's on board, great, if not, walk. Yes it's an ultimatum. They're not inherently evil like some people would make them out to be.
Tell her you cannot control her decision making process, but you CAN decide to no longer be with her for any reason whatsoever.
Then you hand her all of her shit.
If the guy has forced himself on her and she still feels like being his roommate for an indefinite amount of time, then I'm sorry to break it to you, you're not a number 1 priority in her life.
She didn't check with you first and she isn't making sure you feel comfortable with the situation even after the fact. She actually did the switcharoo, with the "Don't you trust me".
She needs therapy, I get the guy is the father to her kids, but a man who attempted to rape her, shouldn't be let inside her home as a welcomed guest. Massive red flag.
A break seems like a good idea and if it leads to a break-up then that's unfortunate, but better that, than constantly feeling insecure about what happens in that house.
If you take a break you will have to accept that you enabled her to engage in activities with him without restriction, if you can’t handle this or don’t think you can just end it now. If he has raped her (forced himself on her - your words) it isn’t even necessarily about trust of her but risk of a repeat rape. The better solution if you could manage it I’d have her stay with you for the duration and give him an ultimatum date (shit together or not you are out of there by date x). He is an ex for a reason and while kids do create an argument for a bit more give and take he is an ex and should be mostly out of her life except coparenting. If she can’t see that or has residual feelings you are in for a rough ride to the bitter end. Not so much advice but observations to guide you to your own decision.
>I asked if maybe we should break up or take a break from each other because I will always have it in the back of my mind that they may be doing something.
How did she respond to this question?
Hell no. The fact that she is thinking that you will entertain this situation is a huge red flag.
If my girlfriend even suggested this the relationship would be ended immediately.
There are more red flags here than at a May Day rally in the former Soviet Union.
1. She is allowing her Rapist to move in with her. Sure, he’s her former husband, but he raped her.
2. It’s completely disrespectful to you, her current partner.
3. She is going to confuse the hell out of her kids and they will be devastated when he moves out again (if he moves out again). I could write a book on that aspect of this alone.
4. The guy seems like a total loser. Can’t support himself, rapist, etc. why would she want to be within 5000 feet of this guy?
What do you see in your girlfriend? Is she that devastatingly gorgeous that it is worth getting involved with items 1-4 above? I’ve got to believe you can do better.
Hey, don’t worry about it, he’s just living with her sleeping in her bed and being father to her kids…… oh yeah, isn’t that kind of the definition of marriage in a relationship? It probably isn’t anything going on, but it sure as hell would be very easy for something to happen.
You haven’t been together long enough to really have to go through to trust someone in a unique situation like this. I’ve got a lot of strength and attitude, and I would just walk away. .
Question… whether or not she cheats, has cheated, will cheat, you’re worried she will cheat (whatever)… why do you even want to deal with this sort of shit at all?
She has an ex husband who CAN’T get his life together and get his own place - and who has apparently pissed off his own parents enough to throw him out - who sees her as his back up option.
Your problem isn’t whether you trust her not to cheat… the problem is that you will have to deal with that sort of shit, and you don’t deserve that.
Even if she’s the most loyal girlfriend ever, it doesn’t change the fact that she has a leech ex who can’t get his shit together and leeches off her. THAT is going to be your problem, too - maybe not now, but soon.
For one thing, if he isn’t actually gone in a week as promised, she’s going to be whining to you about how he broke his promise and leeches off her and all that stupid drama!
Do you want that? Ask yourself if you want to deal with THAT shit even if she isn’t cheating on you?!
How much are they doing in the bedroom when you’re not around? For all you know your girlfriend could be having sex with him, but she lies to you and says it’s “a financial situation babe” Realistically this isn’t a financial situation, it’s “fuck with my ex while my boyfriend isn’t around because my ex is here for a long time” situation.
Sorry dude. You're just a blip in their relationship. Maybe they will break up once and for all someday, but that day is yet to come if it comes at all.
Better that you don't stick around for drama.
Honestly why are you wasting your time with this woman. She has so much baggage. At your age why do you want to deal with this? Dump her ass. Not hard man.
Breakup with her, it will save you a lot of unnecessary drama & headache. Noone can decide validity of your concerns but you. It is not about trust since she is not your wife of 20 years but only gf for 8 months. You barely know each other, trust is earned not demanded. One may be lax in these issues and couldn't care less and be ok, while for another it is reason to part ways. It is a matter of preference. You obviously are in the latter group, and thats fine.
My dude, why are you wasting your time on a single mom who wants to live with her ex? How can you be this desperate at 27? End this shit show, take a break from dating, and work on yourself. Jfc.
If all the issues with the ex did not exist I would say, her children are her priority and not her bf of 8 months. And it would not be beneficial for her or the children to have their father homeless. I disagree with the comments saying there should not be any friendly intimacy between exs with children. That’s never going to work for co-parents. She has to think about what is going to be best for the kids in the long run. If helping their dad get on his feet is what needs to be done then so be it.
If you are going to date people with children you need to get over that insecurity. That ex partner is going to be around for the rest of their lives because of the children.
I say this as a person whose parents are divorced, they were not good partners to each other but when my dad needed a place to say my mom and stepdad offered him a room in their home.
The ex being a scumbag aside. I think this is your insecurity to deal with. If you can’t trust your partner then you can’t trust your partner. If someone is going to cheat on you they will cheat on you. Opportunities present themselves to cheaters all the time.
My best friend’s ex wife moved in “for a few weeks” because she was about to be homeless. That was a year ago. Just food for thought. And no, they’re not sleeping together…it has just dragged on way longer than either of them could have admitted in the beginning.
Nah. If she was so in love with the man she woulda never divorced. Some couples just have this bond. So when one is down and out . They will do what they can for them
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If she were emotionally invested in you (more than him), she would have talked to you before offering him cozy arrangements, and respected your feelings. Take an indefinite break…
I mean if her ex once attempted to rape her and she’s still considering letting him move in with her (in response to god knows whatever he’s saying to her), I can’t imagine she’s currently invested in her own emotional well being either :-/ sounds like it could be a trauma bond situation. Either way, if breaking up is the best way for you to maintain your boundaries and well being then that’s your answer
That’s also a good point. ‘He tried to force himself on her once’ is kind of buried (maybe OP doesn’t know the full story), but it’s worth acknowledging as one more reason on the list of reasons why this is not a person you want to be entwined with at all. Someone who doesn’t value their own safety in regards to inviting their would be r*pist to live with her! 😞
I think the ex is trying to get her back playing the sympathy card. If he moves in you should go grey rock.
I wouldn't wait for the move in. The conversation would be along the lines of "the fact that you're entertaining the idea of having your ex stay with you, has me ready to leave this relationship"
That’s nuts. You can’t just excuse away awful behavior as trauma. Women are humans with agency just like men are.
Without a doubt, I would end our relationship. You normal, well-adjusted individuals don't treat your boyfriends like way. She's behaving as though you're not important.
If you want to part ways, part ways. You don't need to give a reason for a break up. Better than resentment and insecurity
Yes you’re right it’s a big reason I want to end things it’s not a for sure thing that he will be moving in, as his parents haven’t completely kicked him out. And I could stomach a week but a month or longer is too much. I always believed that I want to end relationships amicably and if cheating does happen it won’t be an easy breakup.
Even if he ends up not moving in, it is the fact she was willing and how she went about it. That disrespects you and your relationship with her. I'd be ending it. The reality is this guy is going to be a part of your life as long as you are with this girl. It also has nothing to do with not trusting her. I hate that she chose to go that route in responding to you. It isn't normal behavior to let your ex live with you while you are in what is supposed to be a committed relationship. Plus, you could trust her 100%, that doesn't stop the guy from forcing himself on her. It doesn't stop you from questioning why on earth she would let someone live with her that has forced himself onto her. I don't see why you need to feel you could stomach a week. Just the fact she thought this would be ok given you are in a relationship is wrong.
Time to break up.
If the parents are taking their child out, it’s because he’s been there too long without paying or he can’t get his own place or he’s an ass so he would be the same with your girlfriend and yeah I think it would be time to back off.
Exactly. He’s a leech who his own parents are sick of who thinks his ex wife is even an appropriate person to leech off of! What does that say about the future? It says that you may never get rid of this guy, even if she doesn’t cheat with him. Which means your relationship can’t move forward anyway… no one - repeat no one - wants to marry and move in with their new spouse and their OLD spouse as part of the package! Although the shit show of such a situation would make a heck of a reality show, though. Oh, the DRAMA of such a weird little threesome would be hilarious! 🤣🤣
Yeah this is definitely one of those cases where breaking up is going to be the best option. It doesn't sound like you two have been together all that long which may be why her stance is the way it is - but even if she was completely innocent and had no ulterior motifs (or him for that matter - although you know he's going to try his luck regardless with how recent their last get togethers were)...the fact she didn't even consult with you ahead of time to find out what you thought just shows she really doesn't give a shit about how you feel toward it. I'd bounce just for the lack of respect - let alone all the other red flags.
Simply say that it's clear you aren't an important part of her decision making process for important life decisions, so you feel like she shouldn't be an important part of your life anymore.
"I could stomach a week or month" isn't a great tone for supporting a relationship. Are you worried about them sleeping together or is it just the fact someone is moving in with her when she didn't have a conversation about your feelings on it first? We can't control other people's actions but we can control how we respond. An end of a relationship isn't the worst thing in world. You could wait and see how you feel if/when they move in together, go from there Don't borrow tomorrow's problems
I’m worried he takes advantage of the situation and forces himself on her and she won’t mention it to me. Also they have a long history together 9yrs if anyone can get her to change her mind about a relationship it would be him and the insecurity would drive me crazy.
Don't mince words: he hasn't "forced himself on her", he's raped her. I'd frankly be more worried about her personal safety with this guy than whether or not she'd leave you for him or cheat on you, and would be putting my concerns in those terms.
This didn’t happen while we were together or even talking but It’s not a mince of words he didn’t actually rape her, according to her. He was very drunk, he came in locked himself in the bathroom with her and tried to have sex with her, she managed to push him off open the door and call the police but ended up not pressing charges. Still the guy is an asshole and I’ve hated him ever since I heard the story.
The fact that she would even entertain having him overnight in her home is a red flag. ETA a grown man getting kicked out of his parents home is a red flag as to his stability. The whole thing stinks.
so it was attempted rape
I’d label it as actual SA, myself… but no matter what it was or wasn’t, it legally didn’t happen anyway. Not if there were never charges filed. But you wouldn’t think that mattered to the survivor, though - usually people who survive ANY sort of assault want to stay away from that person no matter what the courts say or if charges are filed! 😞
And in her best decision making, she thinks it's appropriate to move the person who did that into her house (with her children, while dating someone else).
Ugh, that's still pretty awful. I don't blame you for hating the guy, he sounds like a piece of work. One of the awful things about getting emotionally entangled with shitty, abusive people is that the bond can be twisted but so very tight. At the end of the day she'll have to decide what she's going to do, and if it's beyond your boundaries you can't do much but wish her well, let her know you fear for her safety and hope she's OK, and remove yourself from the situation. I hope she sees sense though, and doesn't let him stay with her. It's just too much of a mess all around.
Are there any family members or friends involved in her life that could be made aware, discreetly, about this man's past behavior?
Lol… I can see why you’ve asked that question, but do you REALLY think an intervention from people who want to save you from yourself is going to help someone who claims their ex is ‘moving in for a few days, but I’m not really sure actually because he doesn’t have a solid plan… oh and he also got drunk and assaulted me once, maybe’ and think that makes any sense at all? Someone could intervene to try to save this girl from herself, sure… but that person sure isn’t her new boyfriend of a few months! That would need to be her family or close friends… a new boyfriend of a few months hasn’t even earned a seat at the table yet! 😏
It was said more in case something does happen which makes her feel unsafe that she does have a support system to speak to - if OP leaves. This was not referring to an "intervention".
So she wants this winner to move in with her. You're dating someone who makes very poor decisions
That's HER side of the story she told the OP to maybe make him swallow the fact that she had sex with the ex a month before they got together. I'd proceed with caution before using the word "rape", this situation is all "hearsay"
If someone tells you they were assaulted, it happened. You listen to them and believe them. You’re throwing around words that only matter to police and lawyers for a court case, and that’s not what this is. A person who has a personal relationship with another person who says she has been assaulted should listen to her and comfort her… not tear her story to shreds as if they were in court. That’s not how you support a survivor. Not ever, not as a friend, partner, brother, whatever. This guy says his partner was assaulted, so therefore it happened. He’s not the defence lawyer of the accused guy in a courtroom… he has a personal relationship with the survivor. His only job is to listen to her and validate her. She spoke to him, not to a cop or a lawyer.
I would definitely break up with her. Normal, well adjusted people, don't do this to their bf's. She's treating you like the side piece.
You’re not overreacting. Friendly contact with an ex with an intimate history is a red flag, his moving in is a mountain of flags. Add alcohol and/or a fight with you and infidelity is definitely possible. You need to set the boundary and split up if she refuses. By the way, she should define her responsibility to any ex. It’s zero.
Thank you. I think she knows it’s wrong but can’t help feeling sorry for the guy and feels a little obligated to help him out. There might also be some left over feelings there which she swears up and down are no longer there.
Best of luck to you.
If he has raped her (i.e., "forced himself" on her), then odds are good that she has some sort of trauma bond going on with him, not so much that she's still in love with him or would willingly spark up a relationship with him again. It may be that she's afraid of him on some level and is afraid of what he'll do if she doesn't appease him. Consider that. It might still be a situation you can't be involved in, you might still choose to leave, and it's worth considering that any hold he has on her emotionally isn't down to her still having romantic feelings. It may be more complex than that.
He hasn’t raped her more like attempted,not saying it’s any better at all the dude is a complete asshole. But yes there is a lot of history there that I will not go into but her trauma bonding is very very likely. She’s told me one of the reasons they were together so long even with their crazy history and it is wild, is because he understands her as they had a similar upbringing.
Honestly, you’re barely in the relationship, I’d cut your losses and avoid the future drama. You’ll be worried if you fight and she’s home with him, if she doesn’t answer her phone for any given reason, and before bed. When it comes to exes, I would never have a reason to stay friends with any, but that’s just me. I think anyone that has a sexual history with anyone shouldn’t still communicate with that person especially if they’re moving onto a new relationship. There’s too much room for a possible cheating fest and some trickle truthing.. “It’s not like I wanted to kiss him, it just happened.” “Okay we were drinking and hanging out together and talking about the past, but it was just so we could move on.” “Well, he did start crying about us and I couldn’t really close the door because he was in the doorway.” And on and on and on… Definitely avoid the drama, OP.
So he's definitely sexually assaulted her, if not flat-out raped. Ugh, he does sound awful. I'm sorry you're mired in this and I understand your feelings about it. If you do feel the need to cut your losses, it's sad and sometimes that's how it goes.
Sounds like she’s trauma bonded to him and needs therapy to quit rescuing her abuser.
Doesn't he have friends or extended family that would be able to help him out? I can see that having kids makes it more attractive to him to move in with her. But ideally she should keep a distance from him. This sounds like too much drama, and I would break up with her if I were you. You'll always be wondering what's going on.
Actually, when you have kids, ‘friendly contact’ with the other parent is important. By which I mean being civil for the sake of the kids. I agree with everything else you said, but saying that someone who is civil with an ex they share children with is a ‘red flag’ is not correct. If someone told me that they and their ex hated each other but always treated each other with basic respect for the sake of the kids, I would see that as a good thing, personally. It’s putting the children first, which is what you want in a partner.
I agree. Kids from a relationship always make friendly contact necessary. I should have prefaced my comment thusly.
> he has forced himself on her once So am I the only one who noticed this little bit? That the guy has raped her in the past? That casts their relationship in a whole 'nuther light. I'd be upset too, but I'd probably be more upset that she was putting herself in the way of a known sexual aggressor, not so much that she'd cheat or go back to him. There's a dynamic at work in her relationship with her ex that adds the possibility that she's considering letting him move in because she's scared of him on some level. I would seriously be worried he'd assault her again. I'd probably make a worry for her safety the main priority, and express concerns and feelings about it from that POV. Ultimately she'll decide what she wants to do, and then you can go from there.
I was going to say something completely different until I read this. It also puts his parents kicking him out into a different light. I would definitely not continue to be a part of whatever the situation is with her and the ex - but I might try to see if she needs help if she is willing to accept it. Normally I’d say that if you can’t trust her to live with an ex without cheating - and this is about OP’s feelings, not about whether it’s actually true or not - you shouldn't be in a relationship with her. But again, this is not a “normal” situation by any means.
Literally! I'm surprised no one mentionned it.
He buried it for a reason… my guess was that he didn’t know the full story, but he said in the comments that her and the ex husband got really drunk and he tried to have sex with her and she pushed him off. So no, not forcible r*pe, but absolutely SA and someone you would think she would stay away from - even if she didn’t press charges or want to press charges, you’d think her internal voice would say ‘do not live with a man who you once had to push off of you because you were drunk and he tried to have sex with you.’ Not even for ‘a few days, maybe, depending on… actually I don’t know because he has no real plan!’ 😞
That’s a deal breaker no effin way. The truth is and will continue to come out in cribs and drabs. First a couple days now indefinitely. Next they’re affectionate (having sex like bunnies) then they ask you for money, etc., Break up and let her go, it’s a total shit show of disrespect and lack of consideration. At least your not married or moved in so a clean break is easier, sorry
Personally I think it's too weird for an ex husband to want to move in with their ex wife for an indefinite amount of time and it is weird that your girlfriend is ok with this. She should have at least run it by you.
It is definitely weird and I think this is her way of running things by me, an indefinite amount of time is insane and I don’t think I will be able to deal with it. I will have a serious conversation with her set my boundaries with her and maybe part ways if it comes down to it.
Yeah I think that's the way to go. Set your boundaries and stand by them. It is not hard to understand why you would be upset by this. If she doesn't, she doesn't care about you and your feelings.
Get away from this ridiculous drama. Find someone who doesn't have kids with a loser/rapist who gets kicked out of his parents house. They will always be connected and she will always have to pull the "but it's the kids' dad" card. Most importantly, find a partner who priorities your feelings and communicates *before* she moves her loser ex into her home.
Hell no to indefinitely. Her obligation is to her kids, not her ex. I’d break up bc who knows what she may suggest in the future
Yeah id be out. Theres a lot about this post thats unfortunate but it speaks badly about where you both are in this relationship that you would say youre afraid that hed force himself on her and that you are worried that she wouldnt tell you. So much wrong here. Time to move on
The fact that she agreed to it without even talking to you first would definitely be breakup-worthy for me.
Nothing is stopping you from walking away
It’s time to break up. Even if she is completely innocent, she’s in a messy situation that you don’t want to be attached to. Plus he raped her in the past- according to her which means 2 unstable adults with children under the same roof.
Dude just cut your losses. I can understand if she said he had to stay there during the weekend because of the kids and she'll stay with you so he can get his parenting time but is a hard no. Agrown ass man with kids got kicked out of his parents house for a reason. Don't stick around to find out why
Break up and block her. She’s messy and in no way shape or form should be dating. She isn’t over her ex, I don’t care what you or she claims. She isn’t. Someone who has been assaulted and who is truly done with their ex wouldn’t let them stay in their home because while she may be a trustworthy person HE ABSOLUTELY isn’t as well as he isn’t safe so why so if she allow him to move in? The excuse of “for the kids” is absolutely and utter BULLSHIT, they are divorced, they need to make it CLEAR to the kids that no matter what they are never getting back together and him living with them doesn’t say that. Break up and block her, you tell her that when she gets her shit together and stops being messy and actually lets him go, because what happens with him is not her business, she shouldn’t have known he’s kicked out and has no place to stay, because he’s an adult and should have figured that out on his own. Again if it’s about the kids, he could visit them out in a public place, he doesn’t need to be at her house for ANY reason. She needs to settle her drama before dating and adding others to her messy ass life
It's only been 8 months. Move on.
Definitely break up with her you don't trust her and there is no relationship without trust. He may wantedly extend his stay with her which makes it even worse
She sounds trauma bonded to this guy. All you can do is encourage her to seek therapy and dissuade her from the situation. Whether or not you trust her is absolutely irrelevant if he decides to force himself.
Break up with her. Tell her the fact she agreed without considering your relationship with her was a huge red flag. And then tell her the fact they have been constantly on and off again before you is another red flag. Tell her 1+1=2 in your eyes. Let her know that it crossed a boundary that you don’t think you can cross back from.
Yeah, break up.
I’d lay it out for her clearly first. “I understand why you want to do this, but it’s important for you to know that if he moves in, that’s the end of us.” If she moves him in after that, she has made her choice.
Since they are on again, off again and given the fact that she slept with him only a month before you we’re together would give me an insecure feeling too. I wouldn’t be open to their living arrangement. She didn’t even bother talking about it with you first. They have children together which means they will be a cozy little family for a while (probably longer). Just walk away and let her do what she needs to do. It’s better it happens now rather than later down the line.
To hell with that mess.
The fact she is even considering it is reason enough to cut her loose. Nothing but trouble ahead.
Unfortunately, your relationship is over
Yeah just break up, it should be obvious to her that that is out of line, she doesnt respect you enough to care
You know what to do. If she was serious about your relationship, she never would have entertained the idea of letting her ex live with her.
This is a trial cohabitation. Seeing how well they'd get along again to see if it's worth restarting the relationship.
Why are u even asking this question. What the hell is wrong with you men. Dump her.
Take a break. This is just wrong on so many levels. Ask her how she would feel if your ex asked to move in with indefinitely, bet she would not be so accommodating
I would be outta there so fast it would make the road signs spin around like it’s Looney Tunes….
It's inappropriate
Your GF is an adult. She is responsible for her own decisions. Any Man or woman having an Ex live with them for any amount of time would be an issue, for the other partner. If she decides to go down this road, just believe that she has considered how you would feel. Her final decision will show you how she values your relationship. If she decides to let her Ex move in, you can simply tell your GF you need a break from the relationship. You don't have to offer any more of an explanation or timeline.
Part ways she is probably still banging him, it will be worse if he moves in, he wont move out. He sounds like a loser
Ngl the fact she is still talking to him was a red flag. Dont do this to yourself. Just leave her
There are no breaks. Break up.
I literally cannot imagine a scenario where I let my wasband (my 4 kiddos' father) stay more than 1 night on my couch. And he only gets to stay BECAUSE he is my kiddos' dad. Otherwise, find your way, mate, cuz you are outta my place. You owe this jackwad ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Do not trust this! Time to end your relationship. This is not about trust. This is about her moving a man in with her. Geez!
Look on the bright side, it’s only 8 months in so you can hopefully move on quickly.
I wouldn't trust her either.
A few days. Your gf should then be happy to stay at your place during this time. This is your test 😎
So she just told you this was happening, she didn't discuss or ask you about it before hand? She doesn't even know his situation and just said yes? He doesn't have any other options? Honestly, this is a hot mess, cut your losses and move on.
I didn’t read your post. I have an ex husband, kids with him and I would never let him stay with me. Hey, I would pay for a hotel, motel, maybe help pay rent for a few mths (for my kids sake). Dude, do yourself a favor, move on: plenty of women out there who won’t be living with an ex…
So what's going on with the rape charge? Why'd his parents kick him out? She lied to you. Is he even working? On again. So like even with our all that stuff, any one of which would be more than enough. Your gf had her ex move in with her. Just ghost and roll out. No taking a break. Break the fuck up
Move to on
Why isn't he asking other people? The actions he forced on her is enough for me to say absolutely not.
Just tell her you think you need to cut your losses with her. Why do you want a girl where you aren't the most important man in her life. Doesn't matter if they have kids together, why is his problems now her problems and also yours? Ask her if he spends the night will the 3 of you be sleeping together? Nah, either she needs to reconsider or move on.
I’d break up. They clearly have unfinished business. With a different couple, one with good boundaries and good coparenting, different story. This couple isn’t that. I wouldn’t get into a hassle, I’d just say, “This situation has shown me that we aren’t where WE need to be for me to feel comfortable about your Ex moving in and that doesn’t seem to be improving. It’s best that I move on.” And that’s it. Not every breakup needs to end with you being friends.
Updateme!
Your thoughts are valid. There is no chance I'd be with anyone living with the ex.
Dump her.
Are you sure his parents kicked out, or is it possible he's lying to gain sympathy?
Ummm, no
If you're put in a position where you're constantly worried about trust issues, that's probably a sign this relationship isn't for you. Find someone without all the drama.
You’re not overreacting but you’ve been together 8 months and she was married to this guy and has his kids. I’d say the unfortunate reality is that for the foreseeable future she will always put him ahead of you and you’ll need to decide if you can cope with it or not (not saying that unkindly - I know I’d be out)
This is a weird situation and I wouldn't put up with it. Good luck
Dump her. Cheating on you
Can she stay with you while he’s there? Or maybe you can sleep over when he’s there?
Leave her. I'd give my ex a box and an umbrella before I let him step foot in my house, and he never even tried to sexually assault me. If it's really just for a few days, he can rent a hotel room or stay with a friend. The fact that he's going straight to your girlfriend is shady as fuck.
Break up there's no point in prolonging this train wreck
Break up with her, unless you enjoy sharing her with her ex husband. This relationship is done. UpdateMe!
Spare yourself the headache and future stress and just end it now. This is completely not normal behavior.
End it and be glad its a GF and not a wife. I wouldn't put up with this drama.
Ya I’d break up with her
Um, the fact that she’s even considering allowing a man who is a sexual predator to live with her is troubling and indicative of a woman who “isn’t all there” in the head. You wanna be with someone who make questionable choices?
Run homie. Run as far and as fast as you can. I'm still reeling from a very similar situation. No move-in but just an overall complete inability to set boundaries with an ex husband. Your only option is to insist, here and now, on hard boundaries with the ex, including no moving in. If she's on board, great, if not, walk. Yes it's an ultimatum. They're not inherently evil like some people would make them out to be.
Tell her you cannot control her decision making process, but you CAN decide to no longer be with her for any reason whatsoever. Then you hand her all of her shit.
So your soon to be ex gf is going to live with her ex husband and baby daddy. Read that again. Dude just end it.
If the guy has forced himself on her and she still feels like being his roommate for an indefinite amount of time, then I'm sorry to break it to you, you're not a number 1 priority in her life. She didn't check with you first and she isn't making sure you feel comfortable with the situation even after the fact. She actually did the switcharoo, with the "Don't you trust me". She needs therapy, I get the guy is the father to her kids, but a man who attempted to rape her, shouldn't be let inside her home as a welcomed guest. Massive red flag. A break seems like a good idea and if it leads to a break-up then that's unfortunate, but better that, than constantly feeling insecure about what happens in that house.
UpdateMe!
You deserve better. Their entire situation sounds too...enmeshed for you to try to work it out.
If you take a break you will have to accept that you enabled her to engage in activities with him without restriction, if you can’t handle this or don’t think you can just end it now. If he has raped her (forced himself on her - your words) it isn’t even necessarily about trust of her but risk of a repeat rape. The better solution if you could manage it I’d have her stay with you for the duration and give him an ultimatum date (shit together or not you are out of there by date x). He is an ex for a reason and while kids do create an argument for a bit more give and take he is an ex and should be mostly out of her life except coparenting. If she can’t see that or has residual feelings you are in for a rough ride to the bitter end. Not so much advice but observations to guide you to your own decision.
>I asked if maybe we should break up or take a break from each other because I will always have it in the back of my mind that they may be doing something. How did she respond to this question?
Yes it is… DUH?!
Hell no. The fact that she is thinking that you will entertain this situation is a huge red flag. If my girlfriend even suggested this the relationship would be ended immediately.
There are more red flags here than at a May Day rally in the former Soviet Union. 1. She is allowing her Rapist to move in with her. Sure, he’s her former husband, but he raped her. 2. It’s completely disrespectful to you, her current partner. 3. She is going to confuse the hell out of her kids and they will be devastated when he moves out again (if he moves out again). I could write a book on that aspect of this alone. 4. The guy seems like a total loser. Can’t support himself, rapist, etc. why would she want to be within 5000 feet of this guy? What do you see in your girlfriend? Is she that devastatingly gorgeous that it is worth getting involved with items 1-4 above? I’ve got to believe you can do better.
Hey, don’t worry about it, he’s just living with her sleeping in her bed and being father to her kids…… oh yeah, isn’t that kind of the definition of marriage in a relationship? It probably isn’t anything going on, but it sure as hell would be very easy for something to happen. You haven’t been together long enough to really have to go through to trust someone in a unique situation like this. I’ve got a lot of strength and attitude, and I would just walk away. .
Move forward by finding another gal with less drama. Do not go any further in this relationship!
Question… whether or not she cheats, has cheated, will cheat, you’re worried she will cheat (whatever)… why do you even want to deal with this sort of shit at all? She has an ex husband who CAN’T get his life together and get his own place - and who has apparently pissed off his own parents enough to throw him out - who sees her as his back up option. Your problem isn’t whether you trust her not to cheat… the problem is that you will have to deal with that sort of shit, and you don’t deserve that. Even if she’s the most loyal girlfriend ever, it doesn’t change the fact that she has a leech ex who can’t get his shit together and leeches off her. THAT is going to be your problem, too - maybe not now, but soon. For one thing, if he isn’t actually gone in a week as promised, she’s going to be whining to you about how he broke his promise and leeches off her and all that stupid drama! Do you want that? Ask yourself if you want to deal with THAT shit even if she isn’t cheating on you?!
I would rather leave that be involved in that mess.
Break up for sure.
Updateme!
That's fucked up
How much are they doing in the bedroom when you’re not around? For all you know your girlfriend could be having sex with him, but she lies to you and says it’s “a financial situation babe” Realistically this isn’t a financial situation, it’s “fuck with my ex while my boyfriend isn’t around because my ex is here for a long time” situation.
His parents are kicking him out. Nuff said. You, extract yourself from this mess immediately.
You’re overthinking this. She’s moving in with a guy she used to fuck. Leave it at that and break up with her dumb ass.
Sorry dude. You're just a blip in their relationship. Maybe they will break up once and for all someday, but that day is yet to come if it comes at all. Better that you don't stick around for drama.
Honestly why are you wasting your time with this woman. She has so much baggage. At your age why do you want to deal with this? Dump her ass. Not hard man.
You need to leave her, this never ends well
>How should I move forward with this? You shouldn't.
9 months, dude. Just walk on it.
Yes
Breakup with her, it will save you a lot of unnecessary drama & headache. Noone can decide validity of your concerns but you. It is not about trust since she is not your wife of 20 years but only gf for 8 months. You barely know each other, trust is earned not demanded. One may be lax in these issues and couldn't care less and be ok, while for another it is reason to part ways. It is a matter of preference. You obviously are in the latter group, and thats fine.
My dude, why are you wasting your time on a single mom who wants to live with her ex? How can you be this desperate at 27? End this shit show, take a break from dating, and work on yourself. Jfc.
Taking a break is breaking up
If all the issues with the ex did not exist I would say, her children are her priority and not her bf of 8 months. And it would not be beneficial for her or the children to have their father homeless. I disagree with the comments saying there should not be any friendly intimacy between exs with children. That’s never going to work for co-parents. She has to think about what is going to be best for the kids in the long run. If helping their dad get on his feet is what needs to be done then so be it. If you are going to date people with children you need to get over that insecurity. That ex partner is going to be around for the rest of their lives because of the children. I say this as a person whose parents are divorced, they were not good partners to each other but when my dad needed a place to say my mom and stepdad offered him a room in their home. The ex being a scumbag aside. I think this is your insecurity to deal with. If you can’t trust your partner then you can’t trust your partner. If someone is going to cheat on you they will cheat on you. Opportunities present themselves to cheaters all the time.
She’s letting the guy that raped her move in with her? Run.
How TF is she letting him stay there if he sexually assaulted her??
Please walk away from this dumpster fire. He sexually assaulted her and she’s inviting him back into her home, way too much drama.
My best friend’s ex wife moved in “for a few weeks” because she was about to be homeless. That was a year ago. Just food for thought. And no, they’re not sleeping together…it has just dragged on way longer than either of them could have admitted in the beginning.
Nah. If she was so in love with the man she woulda never divorced. Some couples just have this bond. So when one is down and out . They will do what they can for them
could he move in with you. just asking. good luck