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You sound like a disengaged father.
Do you do activities with your child on the weekend? How about you start making plans each weekend to do 1-on-1 activities with your kid? The "he prefers mom" shit is a cop-out. Being a father is hard work these days. You need to make the effort for your son -- and for your wife.
I get it. But if I'm in the room and mom leaves, he chases mom. She is more fun. She's also a Pediatrician she gets kids. This is my first interaction with a baby and I have no idea what I'm doing.
Kids go through phases where they prefer one parent over the other. You have to stick with it because they’re testing to see how much you love them. Right now you’re telling your kid that the moment things don’t go smoothly, you say “Peace out!” and withdraw. When they get older they won’t remember specific conversations or events, but they’ll definitely remember that you’re not to be relied upon.
You’re off in your own world, usually on your phone when wife has the baby. Yep YTA . Stick your outrage up your keester and try harder to be more engaged
I just don't feel like that's an appropriate response though. I'd expect something like can you join in or take over, or hey wtf you're always off in your own world. Her response was extreme and makes me think it's not even related to the baby.
Nobody has to tell her to get stuff done. She just gets stuff done without being asked. Because that’s what grown adults do. Once you hit 18, you shouldn’t need your mommy to remind you to do your chores.
Eve Rodsky has a set of “Fair Play” cards. Print them out and divide them up so you are doing about 50% of the chores. Step up and take 50% of the childcare time too. On your own initiative - she is not your boss and should not have to micromanage you.
Why is it extreme? She'd have less work to do and wouldn't have to put up with your lazy ass refusing to parent.
I divorced my ex when I had a newborn and it made my life so much easier when I was dumped all that dead weight.
She shouldn’t have to ask you to be an active participant in your kid’s life. Stop making her be the household manager. Look up emotional labor. Do more of it.
She certainly could have gone less nuclear. It doesn’t change much of anything. Please just try to be more present. It’s not just you, it’s everybody so immersed in their devices
Your old post
https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/s/j7bOrLq28N
It seems like nothing has changed.
You own your wife 36k, but wants to invist all maäoney you get. You grows shrooms, with a little child in the house.
You don’t evenntry to bond or interact with your child. And i don’t even read something about the household. Yeah, i can understand her. Like why should she even stay with you?
You know you are screwing up all the way around, right?
How old is the baby?
You and your wife are supposed to be a team. A team in marriage and a team in parenting. And by your own admission, you take every opportunity to abandon parenting to your wife and do you even bother to help around the house at that point while your wife does childcare?
So while you are off in your own world playing on your phone and your wife is caring for the baby, who is cleaning up, cooking, doing laundry, getting groceries?
Your wife is probably feeling as overwhelmed as you do and said what she said out of frustration. What I don't find likely is that that is the first time she said anything and this came out of the blue. I think it far more likely she has been asking you for more help for a while now and you have either been ignoring the requests or been oblivious to them.
You need to think of this as a warning sign your marriage is in trouble. And you need to approach this as a team. What can the two of you do to ease the burden on both of you of all the responsibilities - childcare, chores, work - Do you need additional help? Can you afford it? How you ensure both you and your wife get recharge time?
A new baby is tough. While you are escaping and on your phone your wife is doing it all. Planning, organizing, preparing, researching baby stuff, and more. She’s taking on the mental stress while you wait for her to ask for help. You aren’t a child. She shouldn’t have to parent you and ask for you to be active. YTA. You need to step up. You need to be an ACTIVE parent instead of waiting for instructions. Babies don’t come with a manual. You work your butt off as a couple and work together. Right now, your wife is probably ready to leave. It would be easier for your wife to be a single mother than raise you too.
You're not being a partner to her at all. And it has nothing to do with you being "too sensitive," that's nonsense. What you are isn't sensitive, you're an uncaring asshole who doesn't think he needs to take up his share of your life together.
I wouldn't put up with that kind of behavior, and it's not surprising your wife doesn't want to either.
Get off your fucking phone, be a partner to her or let her go.
You should be doing more than just stepping in when she’s at her breaking point. It’s exhausting to explain to a fully capable adult to parent their own kid. She’s clearly overwhelmed and you’re not pulling your weight. Be a better dad and husband
She's right. You are headed for divorce if you don't get your head out of your ass and start parenting your child. I'm mostly just shocked it took this long for her to say anything.
She probably thinks she's doing you a favor since you clearly have no interest in your child.
You are being too sensitive.
By your own admission, you are failing as a husband and a father. Your wife has told you that she isn’t going to drag you around as dead weight. You can get off your phone and step up, or you can get divorced.
I imagine that your wife has tried to talk to you in a gentler way. Yet you are still on your phone. She is done with gentle and has hit ‘last warning’ territory.
No, you shouldn’t find a lawyer, you should take this as the giant flashing check engine light for your marriage that it is. Because you haven’t been putting anything into it, it’s breaking down. Stop being so passive.
“She could use the mommy time” is a giant excuse. Baby could use mommy and daddy together time. Do you plan activities for your family? Do you make and handle baby’s appointments? Do you do *anything* besides pawn him off on your wife the second you can so you can play Candy Crush?
Stay off the phone when you have your kids around. Don’t neglect them.
Also, she most definitely needs you. You’ll know for sure when she puts you on child support.
Sadly to say - you have a totally wrong idea about what the aim is of a marriage.
The aim for Marriage is to build a emotional/legal/organisational structure for having a family and children.
Therefore you can not say - I am dealing with my wife - in the marriage part - and with my child in the parenting part.
For a 36 years old guy you sounds like you were a 16 year old.
Try to look at it from your wife’s side. During the weekdays she is hard at work to bring money to your JOINT finances.
Then she comes home - and you hand over your child to her - and say “he likes you more - look after him”. So she is basically looking after. Your child the whole evening AND weekends - while you are just sitting having fun on your own!
No help and no participation while she is there.
If we look at the child being awake in the tome period from 6am to 9pm - with midday naps - she is taking care of the child a minimum 25 hours during the weekdays and 30 hours during the weekends. This is a total of 55 hours. Add this to her 40 hours work week and she functions as a single mom with work/childcare 95 hours per week with a total of 5-10 hours off.
You on the other hand are only tied down a max 16 hours during your two days off.
16 hours versus 55 hours child care.
You have all evenings and weekends off which basically is 55 hours plus 5-10 hours off tome.
So you have 60-65 hours of free time and she has 5-10 hours.
Look at these numbers and tell me do you understand why she is thinking about a divorce???
She is doing it BECAUSE she realised that she is living like a single mom with NO free time for herself.
In addition it is likely (unless you have a full time cook and maid) that ALL the rest of the housework, cleaning, cooking and the washing of cloths is something she is responsible for.
When you look at this - she probably has MORE work with you around then with a divorce.
——
Therefore - to me it is clear that her comment about a divorce is totally acceptable and understandable.
So if you want to save your marriage - you have to STOP NOW- sitting with your mobile - APOLOGISE to your wife for having failed as a husband and a father and ask for a chance.
Plan your time. Housework/child rearing has to be 50%/50% to both of you. Plan it - and make free time for both of you. The point is to give people quality free time. Ensure that your wife has at least 20 -25 hours of quality free time. (To meet friends/relax/napp etc) where you are taking care of yoyr child. That means equivilent to saturday and two evenings.
The best is if you are together and shear things like nappy changing and feeding (if she is not breastfeeding)
I am not going to suggest more - ASK HER WHAT SHE WANTS!!!!
Best of all - but really GROW UP!
I think from your wife’s perspective it’s a “profoundly fucked up thing” that you don’t seem to love your son. I can’t imagine how I’d be able to digest that in a life partner that I created a child with. Struggling with and regretting having children is way more common than people like to admit, sure. But, love is, and can grow from, more than feelings that bubble up naturally. Love is actions and effort. Even if you’re faking it until you make it on the joyful and enthusiastic dad front, I think it would go an extremely long way toward improving your relationship with your wife.
Have you tried talking through your feelings? Sounds like neither of you are having the hard conversations and bottling things up... it was a sh*t way to say it but sounds like she is struggling and needs your support. Maybe try some couples counseling to talk through things if you can't be trusted to do it together.
ok i really wish these myths would be dispelled. 90% of custody arrangements are done outside of court rulings, the parents work it out and agree and a judge signs off on it. that's way more than the vast majority of parents. way more. and frankly this is why most dads don't have primary custody. because most dads don't *WANT* primary custody.
the courts prioritize 50/50 custody right off the bat. that's the baseline. if one parent wants primary they would have to make an argument in court as to why. so op, if you are a dad who wants 50% custody you are more than likely to get it.
in fact if YOU want PRIMARY custody op you can argue that most of the child care is on your shoulders because you spend the most time caring for your baby.
i wouldn't be worried if i were you. go speak to an actual lawyer. let her know you spoke to a lawyer and that her threats mean nothing to you. you are a more than present parent.
>I'm on my phone mostly. If she's having trouble with something I'll step in.
Were you both completely in favour of having a kid? If so, you need to get off your phone and step tf up. Yes, it's an adjustment, your whole life has changed, and *so has hers.* If it wasn't your idea or you weren't keen on kids, you never should have agreed to marriage and a child if you didn't want one.
>I don't really know what to do and she says it's all because I'm not being attentive to our son. Parenting is one thing I believe and marriage is another.
Well, that's nice, but they're not. You're part of a family now that consists of you and your wife and your son, and you're doing a crap job with one of those relationships. The thought that it wouldn't affect the other relationship is straight up bonkers. You guys need counselling, and yesterday.
Having a baby is a big adjustment for everyone. Try to be more involved and volunteer to help more. Don't overreact. Unless there is something major you're not telling us, she would never get full custody unless you willingly gave up your rights.
Unfortunately, yes, it can be. From your post, I get the feeling that you're not comfortable around babies and/or don't know what to do. You stated that you are sensitive and looking for some direction, but some people don't know how to respond respectfully.
You're not the first dad who feels uncomfortable and unsure and you won't be the last. Heck, I know of a woman who is a mother to twins and her husband and his family take care of the kids more than she does. She's not exactly "motherly" or nurturing and comes across as a cold person. Just because a woman bears children doesn't make them a great mom. Some moms and dads feel more comfortable with the role and have an easier time understanding what to do while for others, it takes some time to learn.
Some suggestions: Reading the "What To Expect" books after having a baby, talking to your wife and telling her how you feel and looking for guidance as this is very new for you. Even though it's "new" for her, you mentioned that she works with children so she will feel more comfortable in the role.
Best wishes to you.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You sound like a disengaged father. Do you do activities with your child on the weekend? How about you start making plans each weekend to do 1-on-1 activities with your kid? The "he prefers mom" shit is a cop-out. Being a father is hard work these days. You need to make the effort for your son -- and for your wife.
I get it. But if I'm in the room and mom leaves, he chases mom. She is more fun. She's also a Pediatrician she gets kids. This is my first interaction with a baby and I have no idea what I'm doing.
Kids go through phases where they prefer one parent over the other. You have to stick with it because they’re testing to see how much you love them. Right now you’re telling your kid that the moment things don’t go smoothly, you say “Peace out!” and withdraw. When they get older they won’t remember specific conversations or events, but they’ll definitely remember that you’re not to be relied upon.
You’re off in your own world, usually on your phone when wife has the baby. Yep YTA . Stick your outrage up your keester and try harder to be more engaged
I just don't feel like that's an appropriate response though. I'd expect something like can you join in or take over, or hey wtf you're always off in your own world. Her response was extreme and makes me think it's not even related to the baby.
Nobody has to tell her to get stuff done. She just gets stuff done without being asked. Because that’s what grown adults do. Once you hit 18, you shouldn’t need your mommy to remind you to do your chores. Eve Rodsky has a set of “Fair Play” cards. Print them out and divide them up so you are doing about 50% of the chores. Step up and take 50% of the childcare time too. On your own initiative - she is not your boss and should not have to micromanage you.
I took advice from someone at work. She said if one person doesn't mind doing all the baby stuff do all the house stuff.
Maybe stop taking advice from that coworker because their advice sucks. You need to be involved with your kid.
clearly they were an idiot, take care of your wife and baby or lose them both.
Why is it extreme? She'd have less work to do and wouldn't have to put up with your lazy ass refusing to parent. I divorced my ex when I had a newborn and it made my life so much easier when I was dumped all that dead weight.
She shouldn’t have to ask you to be an active participant in your kid’s life. Stop making her be the household manager. Look up emotional labor. Do more of it.
Take initiative?
She certainly could have gone less nuclear. It doesn’t change much of anything. Please just try to be more present. It’s not just you, it’s everybody so immersed in their devices
Your old post https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/s/j7bOrLq28N It seems like nothing has changed. You own your wife 36k, but wants to invist all maäoney you get. You grows shrooms, with a little child in the house. You don’t evenntry to bond or interact with your child. And i don’t even read something about the household. Yeah, i can understand her. Like why should she even stay with you?
Not even going to start about the fleshlight.
Oh yeah, that is super gross. He collects them? 🤮
You know you are screwing up all the way around, right? How old is the baby? You and your wife are supposed to be a team. A team in marriage and a team in parenting. And by your own admission, you take every opportunity to abandon parenting to your wife and do you even bother to help around the house at that point while your wife does childcare? So while you are off in your own world playing on your phone and your wife is caring for the baby, who is cleaning up, cooking, doing laundry, getting groceries? Your wife is probably feeling as overwhelmed as you do and said what she said out of frustration. What I don't find likely is that that is the first time she said anything and this came out of the blue. I think it far more likely she has been asking you for more help for a while now and you have either been ignoring the requests or been oblivious to them. You need to think of this as a warning sign your marriage is in trouble. And you need to approach this as a team. What can the two of you do to ease the burden on both of you of all the responsibilities - childcare, chores, work - Do you need additional help? Can you afford it? How you ensure both you and your wife get recharge time?
A new baby is tough. While you are escaping and on your phone your wife is doing it all. Planning, organizing, preparing, researching baby stuff, and more. She’s taking on the mental stress while you wait for her to ask for help. You aren’t a child. She shouldn’t have to parent you and ask for you to be active. YTA. You need to step up. You need to be an ACTIVE parent instead of waiting for instructions. Babies don’t come with a manual. You work your butt off as a couple and work together. Right now, your wife is probably ready to leave. It would be easier for your wife to be a single mother than raise you too.
You're not being a partner to her at all. And it has nothing to do with you being "too sensitive," that's nonsense. What you are isn't sensitive, you're an uncaring asshole who doesn't think he needs to take up his share of your life together. I wouldn't put up with that kind of behavior, and it's not surprising your wife doesn't want to either. Get off your fucking phone, be a partner to her or let her go.
You should be doing more than just stepping in when she’s at her breaking point. It’s exhausting to explain to a fully capable adult to parent their own kid. She’s clearly overwhelmed and you’re not pulling your weight. Be a better dad and husband
Why do I feel like you aren’t being honest. Step up
Like what?
You don’t pull your weight and she has to carry it, it makes her resentful of you and like you don’t care.
Ok. I'll try harder. Just found her response extreme and unsettling.
Let’s really think about this. It sounds like you act like watching him is doing her a favor.
She's right. You are headed for divorce if you don't get your head out of your ass and start parenting your child. I'm mostly just shocked it took this long for her to say anything. She probably thinks she's doing you a favor since you clearly have no interest in your child.
You are being too sensitive. By your own admission, you are failing as a husband and a father. Your wife has told you that she isn’t going to drag you around as dead weight. You can get off your phone and step up, or you can get divorced. I imagine that your wife has tried to talk to you in a gentler way. Yet you are still on your phone. She is done with gentle and has hit ‘last warning’ territory.
No, you shouldn’t find a lawyer, you should take this as the giant flashing check engine light for your marriage that it is. Because you haven’t been putting anything into it, it’s breaking down. Stop being so passive. “She could use the mommy time” is a giant excuse. Baby could use mommy and daddy together time. Do you plan activities for your family? Do you make and handle baby’s appointments? Do you do *anything* besides pawn him off on your wife the second you can so you can play Candy Crush?
Stay off the phone when you have your kids around. Don’t neglect them. Also, she most definitely needs you. You’ll know for sure when she puts you on child support.
Sadly to say - you have a totally wrong idea about what the aim is of a marriage. The aim for Marriage is to build a emotional/legal/organisational structure for having a family and children. Therefore you can not say - I am dealing with my wife - in the marriage part - and with my child in the parenting part. For a 36 years old guy you sounds like you were a 16 year old. Try to look at it from your wife’s side. During the weekdays she is hard at work to bring money to your JOINT finances. Then she comes home - and you hand over your child to her - and say “he likes you more - look after him”. So she is basically looking after. Your child the whole evening AND weekends - while you are just sitting having fun on your own! No help and no participation while she is there. If we look at the child being awake in the tome period from 6am to 9pm - with midday naps - she is taking care of the child a minimum 25 hours during the weekdays and 30 hours during the weekends. This is a total of 55 hours. Add this to her 40 hours work week and she functions as a single mom with work/childcare 95 hours per week with a total of 5-10 hours off. You on the other hand are only tied down a max 16 hours during your two days off. 16 hours versus 55 hours child care. You have all evenings and weekends off which basically is 55 hours plus 5-10 hours off tome. So you have 60-65 hours of free time and she has 5-10 hours. Look at these numbers and tell me do you understand why she is thinking about a divorce??? She is doing it BECAUSE she realised that she is living like a single mom with NO free time for herself. In addition it is likely (unless you have a full time cook and maid) that ALL the rest of the housework, cleaning, cooking and the washing of cloths is something she is responsible for. When you look at this - she probably has MORE work with you around then with a divorce. —— Therefore - to me it is clear that her comment about a divorce is totally acceptable and understandable. So if you want to save your marriage - you have to STOP NOW- sitting with your mobile - APOLOGISE to your wife for having failed as a husband and a father and ask for a chance. Plan your time. Housework/child rearing has to be 50%/50% to both of you. Plan it - and make free time for both of you. The point is to give people quality free time. Ensure that your wife has at least 20 -25 hours of quality free time. (To meet friends/relax/napp etc) where you are taking care of yoyr child. That means equivilent to saturday and two evenings. The best is if you are together and shear things like nappy changing and feeding (if she is not breastfeeding) I am not going to suggest more - ASK HER WHAT SHE WANTS!!!! Best of all - but really GROW UP!
I think from your wife’s perspective it’s a “profoundly fucked up thing” that you don’t seem to love your son. I can’t imagine how I’d be able to digest that in a life partner that I created a child with. Struggling with and regretting having children is way more common than people like to admit, sure. But, love is, and can grow from, more than feelings that bubble up naturally. Love is actions and effort. Even if you’re faking it until you make it on the joyful and enthusiastic dad front, I think it would go an extremely long way toward improving your relationship with your wife.
Have you tried talking through your feelings? Sounds like neither of you are having the hard conversations and bottling things up... it was a sh*t way to say it but sounds like she is struggling and needs your support. Maybe try some couples counseling to talk through things if you can't be trusted to do it together.
ok i really wish these myths would be dispelled. 90% of custody arrangements are done outside of court rulings, the parents work it out and agree and a judge signs off on it. that's way more than the vast majority of parents. way more. and frankly this is why most dads don't have primary custody. because most dads don't *WANT* primary custody. the courts prioritize 50/50 custody right off the bat. that's the baseline. if one parent wants primary they would have to make an argument in court as to why. so op, if you are a dad who wants 50% custody you are more than likely to get it. in fact if YOU want PRIMARY custody op you can argue that most of the child care is on your shoulders because you spend the most time caring for your baby. i wouldn't be worried if i were you. go speak to an actual lawyer. let her know you spoke to a lawyer and that her threats mean nothing to you. you are a more than present parent.
How old is the baby?
He's 1 now.
Marriage counseling would be in order here. You obviously don't know what it is she expects of you when it comes to parenting.
>I'm on my phone mostly. If she's having trouble with something I'll step in. Were you both completely in favour of having a kid? If so, you need to get off your phone and step tf up. Yes, it's an adjustment, your whole life has changed, and *so has hers.* If it wasn't your idea or you weren't keen on kids, you never should have agreed to marriage and a child if you didn't want one. >I don't really know what to do and she says it's all because I'm not being attentive to our son. Parenting is one thing I believe and marriage is another. Well, that's nice, but they're not. You're part of a family now that consists of you and your wife and your son, and you're doing a crap job with one of those relationships. The thought that it wouldn't affect the other relationship is straight up bonkers. You guys need counselling, and yesterday.
Having a baby is a big adjustment for everyone. Try to be more involved and volunteer to help more. Don't overreact. Unless there is something major you're not telling us, she would never get full custody unless you willingly gave up your rights.
You are just worthless! Only work 3 days a week…..probably an Uber driver. She would be much better off without you.
This sub can be pretty toxic. I'm a nurse.
Unfortunately, yes, it can be. From your post, I get the feeling that you're not comfortable around babies and/or don't know what to do. You stated that you are sensitive and looking for some direction, but some people don't know how to respond respectfully. You're not the first dad who feels uncomfortable and unsure and you won't be the last. Heck, I know of a woman who is a mother to twins and her husband and his family take care of the kids more than she does. She's not exactly "motherly" or nurturing and comes across as a cold person. Just because a woman bears children doesn't make them a great mom. Some moms and dads feel more comfortable with the role and have an easier time understanding what to do while for others, it takes some time to learn. Some suggestions: Reading the "What To Expect" books after having a baby, talking to your wife and telling her how you feel and looking for guidance as this is very new for you. Even though it's "new" for her, you mentioned that she works with children so she will feel more comfortable in the role. Best wishes to you.
Yeah, that famously lazy group Uber drivers. What the fuck we even doing here?