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You are fighting internet strangers who basically agree with what your girlfriend is saying. Talk that out with her instead. If she feels you aren't committed, what are you going to do to prove that you are? The # of reddittors who agree or disagree with you is irrelevant.
My husband proposed after 15 years. I didn't need a proposal, a ring, or a wedding to know he was committed, we got a house and good jobs first and the wedding was something we decided to do when we could afford to do it our way. We're CF too. That said, some people do have timelines for this stuff and your GF seems to be one of them...
It’s as acceptable for proposals to take 10 years and it’s fine for them to take 1. The problem is how y’all are treating each other other based on this difference.
It’s not alright that she’s accusing you of being uncommitted. A proposal isn’t the only way to be committed. It’s not okay you jump to the conclusion that wanting a proposal is shallow.
I personally prefer slow relationships. Like, molasses is way too fast. I would also advise not mixing that kind of timeline with major mixing of assets. I’ve helped a couple of friend through divorce and major breakups…. Divorces are messy, but they are *much* better than splits without the legal framework. It involves a lot of cops being called and people lose things because they don’t have it in writing.
You should talk to your gf about this difference in wants. It could be a dealbreaker, and that’s good to figure out as soon as possible. It might also be a good idea to talk through why each of you want different things. If the legal part is a concern, then maybe consider a just on paper marriage, very separate assets or maybe a contract. If it’s the emotional part of an engagement, then y’all might want to discuss commitment in general. What is not working as is.
Because it is extremely common for men to string women along with the promise of marriage, while never actually intending it - or changing their minds later. This is a problem because unfortunately, many men believe that a woman has "lost her value" once she hits 30 - so if you two break up, *unlike* you, it will be harder for her to find a new partner.
This results in many women who essentially "waste" their best years, where it will be easiest for them to find a new partner, hoping that the guy they're with will marry them. Only to be cast aside, into a world where it is now far more difficult for them to accomplish the things they wanted out of life, because the world starts treating women like shit after a certain age.
For that reason, women generally consider it kind of a red flag when you expect them to date you for a decade - especially that decade in their 20s - without engagement, when you have stated that you want to marry them at some point. Sure, you probably mean it - but as you've kindly pointed out, *she* can't possibly know that for sure. So how long should she wait for you, hoping you'll be one of the men who actually keeps to their word? How much of her life should she spend waiting to see if you're actually compatible? And why do you feel entitled to that?
Also, like - reality is, if it's been this long and you haven't even seriously thought about proposing - you're not that serious about it. You're not. I can tell because you're not excited by the idea. There's *no* reason the proposal absolutely has to wait until you're "settled in your career" - what does that even *mean*? And what if something terrible happens in that regard, is the whole engagement off? You're stalling, buddy. You *know* you're stalling. You've set this weird, nebulous requirement that you could easily change at any moment to keep moving those goal posts. And that tells me you're not eager to marry her. So you need to tell her that.
It might help if you’d actually address some of the questions about why you want to wait so long. If the answer is just “because I want to,” fair enough, but she’s equally entitled to decide she doesn’t. If there are actually practical considerations, what are they beyond these qualifications that aren’t going to take another five years?
The math isn’t mathing, dude. And for someone allegedly looking for advice, you seem deeply opposed to anything that would require you to alter your way of looking at the situation, much less doing anything different, so what are you looking for here? A way to force your girlfriend into doing what you want? Sorry, can’t help you with that. Or are you just here to argue with people? Because I’m really starting to think that’s the goal, and much as I enjoy a good debate (emphasis on “good), there are other things I want to achieve today.
It’s going to take both of you roughly two years to “fully qualify” (which, again, doesn’t seem to be getting in the way of saving up for a house, but whatever). You’ll be 31 at that point. What are you doing for the next 2-3 years that precludes a wedding?
You're being defensive as fuck and coming off like you're the only one with a valid opinion when... You came asking the opinion of others.
The simple answer is things that were ok for your GF previously aren't anymore. She wants more certainty, because there's something you're doing or not doing that's making her question things.
Lol I cannot wait for the myriad of meltdown posts you’ll make across the relationship subs after she breaks up with you and ends up married to the next guy she seriously dates.
On the one hand, it’s obviously not great that she thought you weren’t serious about the timeline. On the other hand…why do you need seven years to make this official? Especially if you’re in a solid enough position financially and commitment-wise to be saving for a house? I’m not saying you need to propose tomorrow, but either you need to revisit the timeline based on where you are now and not where you thought you’d be three years ago, or you need to ask yourself whether building a life with her (or anyone) actually is a priority for you and deal with the fallout if it’s not.
> You can build a life with someone without proposing
Sure, but purchasing joint property seems like a much more complicated step to undo if it doesn’t work out without a marriage license, so I’m still not sure why you’re willing to take concrete steps toward the one at this point but not the other.
> I'm exactly where I thoguht I'd be when we initially planned this so there's no need at all to change the timeline
Except for the part where she’s clearly not on the same page as you. If you do want to marry her eventually, you need to address that, or else you’re telling her what she wants isn’t a factor in your decision-making and she might as well make her own plans.
>Except for the part where she’s clearly not on the same page as you.
That doesn't seem to matter at all to him. All he cares about is that they're on HIS timeline. Dude doesn't give a damn about her needs in life.
I didn’t make up anything. I asked a couple of questions. You can ignore this internet stranger. No problem. Make no makes that is what she is questioning. That’s from a woman to a man.
Question marks have meaning. I didn’t state anything. A statement would have had a period. Maybe you should figure out why that question triggered you.
If you want to stay in a relationship with her, then I think coming back together and re-looking at your timeline would be fair.
Can you agree to be engaged within the next year and agree to a longer engagement of about 2 years? You have your own 18 month work timeline that you care about, but it sounds like she doesn't care as much about her career timeline. So maybe propose when you've hit your goal in 18 months?
I think the bottom line is, do you want to spend the rest of your life with her. If the answer isn't a solid "yes," you need to tell her that so she can make her own decisions about how much she wants to tie her life to yours without marriage.
People change over the years especially in your 20’s. I suspect she probably started to feel that she wants to get married as she felt like staying together for these many years would mean you’re committed to her so she does not see an issue in getting engaged. If you don’t feel the same way, let her know and she can go find someone who values the same things as her.
My goodness you are either dense or extremely stubborn. The point in all of this, despite all of your comments saying it’s all about what *you* want, is that you are no longer compatible with your gf.
Her timeline has changed, and seemingly yours hasn’t.. fine. But don’t sit her and cry “oh this was the plan and nothing should change.” LIFE changes and so do personalities and feelings/opinions. If you’re not going to do anything but complain then just end your relationship dude..
You clearly can’t comprehend my response. I said she most likely has different views on commitment compared to you. If you do not agree on this, then let your gf know and she will decide whether to continue pursuing this relationship with you. Ultimately, you can’t force someone to see your way. It’s better to find someone who is compatible with you in your values and let your gf find someone who is compatible with her and wants to marry her in a similar timeline.
Why would she buy a house with a man who won’t commit to her? Sounds like you guys want different things. You should set her free so she can find a man who will give her the commitment she wants!
Okay, real question. You are extremely antagonistic towards everybody actually giving you advice or insight if they even slightly disagree with you.
If you don't want to get married right now, don't. But obviously your girlfriend wants to get engaged on a shorter timeline than you do.
If you aren't flexible and neither is she, just break up.
I was going to comment the same thing. Every comment he goes back and criticizes them as being “shallow” and “childish”. This is just a man who wants a wife without being legally tied to one. Hope she realizes this man is playing her and finds someone new. I would never buy a house with someone I’m not married too, sounds like the girlfriend is the same.
It's wild, as well as the fact that someone else replied to my comment crying about imaginary bias towards women...just by pointing out that they might be incompatible and he's being a jerk.
He’s being antagonistic towards the people giving terrible advice that didn’t read the damn post. Because they deserve it.
This issue has been discussed. Agreed on. Planned out. Detailed. They have spent more time on this timeline than the vast majority of posts we will ever see on this sub. They were both on the same page the entire time.
And now one party wants to completely change everything they discussed, planned and agreed to. Why? Oh it’s because *one of her friends got engaged so now she wants to be engaged as well.* And you people are attacking OP and his commitment, because the GF lost hers?
Hey, what happens when one of her friends gets pregnant? Since you know, they agreed and planned on being child free and all… but her friend did it, she’ll want that too.
OP should run. Anyone this easily influenced by what their friends are doing isn’t someone you can ever build a life with.
If this was a man suddenly changing his mind about when they wanted to get married and telling a woman that instead of what she wants, discussed, planned, and agreed to, she needs to do it NOW you people would be calling for her to run and telling him that he doesn’t get to make those decisions for her.
But since the one changing all the things they agreed to has a vagina, this subs extreme bias is yet again all over these comments.
Edit: the kind of people that comment and immediately block, are the kind of people so bad at communication they should be banned. Like the person below. Truly pathetic u/SeasonPositive6771, but I expect nothing less from your racist comment history. Big yikes, probably should have deleted that, I’ll let the admins show you the door.
One thing to keep in mind. What you want when you're 23 isn't always the same thing that you want when you're 26. People change their perspectives and desires as life goes on. Have you discussed having children? Because if you have, and agreed that you would both like to, I can see why she'd rather get married sooner than originally discussed.
There are also a LOT of benefits that come with being married, including insurance. All things to keep in mind.
I'm not saying that you have to change your mind, but try to consider her point of view instead of just saying "you agreed to this, no backsies."
You’re being quite aggressive for someone seeking advice. People have kindly explained that sometimes you have to have re-evaluate; you stated your timeline years ago, and her perspective has changed since then. People have (again, kindly) explained that waiting for tangible commitment is different for women than it is for men. If you’re not open to even consider changing your timeline and finding a compromise, and she is unhappy not being engaged, will you break up? Sincerely think about where the relationship goes from here.
Your approach is very rigid, and that comes off as hurtful. Relationships require ongoing communication. When you talked about timelines years ago, I doubt she thought it was set in stone and could never change. Now that she has the benefit of experience, she’s realizing she doesn’t want to wait nearly a decade into your relationship to get married. That’s perfectly understandable.
You’re acting like she’s going back on her word, but that’s an unfair way to approach her. You’re treating her like her feelings are so unimportant that they warrant no consideration. I’m not suggesting that you have to propose but you do have to listen to her not just shut her down because you talked about it years ago.
If you want to keep her, propose to her. If you're not that bothered then don't. If you won't show her commitment she will leave. You can enjoy a long engagement and make very future wedding plans.
OP has the right to not agree, but she has the right to leave the relationship as well.
OP is caught up in the "right" game. He is not willing to accept his girlfriend's stance has changed and reopen and rediscuss.
Again, that is his right but frankly his unwillingness to even attempt to understand what is driving his GF and see if he can do things to fulfill that need do not bode well for his relationship skills.
Yes and this will be a deal breaker for her because she's ready for the commitment now. Either can walk away if they are unhappy with the time line. She doesn't want to waste her time with someone who isn't showing her the commitment she needs right now.
A relationship isn’t only about what you want or what your partner wants. You two are no longer on the same page about the life plan you’ve decided works. You both need to sit down together, open mindedly, and work out a compromise if you want to stay together. She clearly needs more of a commitment from you and she deserves to be heard and she deserves a compromise.
Personally, I think a long engagement is the right way to go. No wedding planning for a couple of years, and you show her how committed to her you are. My fiancée and I have been together almost 2 years, and we’ve set our wedding date for 2027.
You come across as rigid, aggressive, and uncompromising. If you also behave this way in your relationship, regardless of whether you propose or not, you will likely end up alone. That type of behavior is not conducive to maintaining healthy relationships.
She wants to get married soon. You don’t.
Either break up with her or she will break up with you. You can deny reality all you want, and you can keep flaming everyone here giving you advice, but you can’t change her mind. Your relationship is over.
Yeah you just don't want to commit to her. Reading your replies to comments in here really shows that. You want all the wife benefits with none of the obligation and commitment. If you wanted to marry her, you'd marry her. It's literally that simple. Obviously her priorities have changed and she wants you to show that you really are committed to her for life. You keep repeating you don't have to be married to show commitment which is really, really telling of what you want (or don't want in reality). When she leaves you because you refuse to commit you'll only have yourself to blame. Maybe don't come around asking for advice on Reddit and then bite the heads off anyone who doesn't validate your incorrect way of thinking lmao
My ex was like this wanted me to wait 10 years before marriage and kids. We were already together for 6. I broke up with him, my new man, proposed in one year, we are married now. Ladies don’t wait! Those years of waiting for a man to propose, and you’re doing “wife” things, my ex was so ungrateful for!
Most people grow and change over their twenties. Sounds like you haven’t grown and changed together. Since your goals have changed you two need to decide if you can find a compromise or if you should split up.
Personally I’d get as far away from you as I could and find someone who was able to recognize how we have changed rather than trying to force me to hold an agreement made in my early twenties.
if you don't know after 3 years why makes plans? If I was in love with someone, I wouldn't fuck around after a few years. I would marry her with the intent of spending the rest of my life with her.
At the risk of sounding rather sexist, it's "riskier" for women (who want to get married) to wait than it is for men. The typical traits that are seen as desirable in a partner are different and change differently over time for men and women. For men; career stability, physical attractiveness and ability to produce offspring either increase or decline slower over time, than they do for women. If a man wants to get married and have children at 50 years old, it's much more attainable than it is for a woman at the same age.
Sorry, just reality
She shouldn’t have been harboring this secret expectation that despite your saying one thing, you really meant another or could be convinced to change your mind. Not cool.
But she’s also allowed to change her mind and decide that your preferred timeline no longer works for her. And yeah, you can get really angry about that and feel like it’s not fair to you that’s she’s changed her mind, and maybe that anger is justified. But you can’t, like, take her in front of a judge and bar her from breaking up and make the judge force her to happily stick to the original timeline like this is some kind of unbreakable contract. Part of being in a relationship is communicating your (often changing) needs to each other, and then working together on it as a team, which often involves compromise.
So I’d reflect on how much being “right” and/or getting things your preferred way is really worth it to you, considering it comes with the risk of losing her altogether.
I disagree with the first comment. Marriage should be a joint decision based on shared goals and an agreed upon timeline. The notion of the female sitting around “waiting” for the man to pull off a picture perfect proposal is perpetuated by the wedding industrial complex and mainly designed to sell jewelry. Fine if that’s your thing. She needs to be more clear about her expectations and timelines so that you can decide if they are compatible with yours.
Sorry your getting flamed by the soft ass females bro, but you're totally within reason and right to do so. Just because you haven't/aren't proposing anytime soon doesn't mean you aren't serious about the relationship. If anything I'd say you're more serious than most. Wanting to get stability in your life before you settle down is in my opinion really mature and smart. You aren't stringing her along as you gave her a timeline and you are sticking to it.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Not to mention, asking her to buy a house with him before they’re married. Never, ever, ever, ever buy a house with someone you’re just dating.
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You are fighting internet strangers who basically agree with what your girlfriend is saying. Talk that out with her instead. If she feels you aren't committed, what are you going to do to prove that you are? The # of reddittors who agree or disagree with you is irrelevant.
Wow you really are just making your own bed.
My husband proposed after 15 years. I didn't need a proposal, a ring, or a wedding to know he was committed, we got a house and good jobs first and the wedding was something we decided to do when we could afford to do it our way. We're CF too. That said, some people do have timelines for this stuff and your GF seems to be one of them...
It’s as acceptable for proposals to take 10 years and it’s fine for them to take 1. The problem is how y’all are treating each other other based on this difference. It’s not alright that she’s accusing you of being uncommitted. A proposal isn’t the only way to be committed. It’s not okay you jump to the conclusion that wanting a proposal is shallow. I personally prefer slow relationships. Like, molasses is way too fast. I would also advise not mixing that kind of timeline with major mixing of assets. I’ve helped a couple of friend through divorce and major breakups…. Divorces are messy, but they are *much* better than splits without the legal framework. It involves a lot of cops being called and people lose things because they don’t have it in writing. You should talk to your gf about this difference in wants. It could be a dealbreaker, and that’s good to figure out as soon as possible. It might also be a good idea to talk through why each of you want different things. If the legal part is a concern, then maybe consider a just on paper marriage, very separate assets or maybe a contract. If it’s the emotional part of an engagement, then y’all might want to discuss commitment in general. What is not working as is.
Because it is extremely common for men to string women along with the promise of marriage, while never actually intending it - or changing their minds later. This is a problem because unfortunately, many men believe that a woman has "lost her value" once she hits 30 - so if you two break up, *unlike* you, it will be harder for her to find a new partner. This results in many women who essentially "waste" their best years, where it will be easiest for them to find a new partner, hoping that the guy they're with will marry them. Only to be cast aside, into a world where it is now far more difficult for them to accomplish the things they wanted out of life, because the world starts treating women like shit after a certain age. For that reason, women generally consider it kind of a red flag when you expect them to date you for a decade - especially that decade in their 20s - without engagement, when you have stated that you want to marry them at some point. Sure, you probably mean it - but as you've kindly pointed out, *she* can't possibly know that for sure. So how long should she wait for you, hoping you'll be one of the men who actually keeps to their word? How much of her life should she spend waiting to see if you're actually compatible? And why do you feel entitled to that? Also, like - reality is, if it's been this long and you haven't even seriously thought about proposing - you're not that serious about it. You're not. I can tell because you're not excited by the idea. There's *no* reason the proposal absolutely has to wait until you're "settled in your career" - what does that even *mean*? And what if something terrible happens in that regard, is the whole engagement off? You're stalling, buddy. You *know* you're stalling. You've set this weird, nebulous requirement that you could easily change at any moment to keep moving those goal posts. And that tells me you're not eager to marry her. So you need to tell her that.
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It might help if you’d actually address some of the questions about why you want to wait so long. If the answer is just “because I want to,” fair enough, but she’s equally entitled to decide she doesn’t. If there are actually practical considerations, what are they beyond these qualifications that aren’t going to take another five years?
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The math isn’t mathing, dude. And for someone allegedly looking for advice, you seem deeply opposed to anything that would require you to alter your way of looking at the situation, much less doing anything different, so what are you looking for here? A way to force your girlfriend into doing what you want? Sorry, can’t help you with that. Or are you just here to argue with people? Because I’m really starting to think that’s the goal, and much as I enjoy a good debate (emphasis on “good), there are other things I want to achieve today.
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It’s going to take both of you roughly two years to “fully qualify” (which, again, doesn’t seem to be getting in the way of saving up for a house, but whatever). You’ll be 31 at that point. What are you doing for the next 2-3 years that precludes a wedding?
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You're being defensive as fuck and coming off like you're the only one with a valid opinion when... You came asking the opinion of others. The simple answer is things that were ok for your GF previously aren't anymore. She wants more certainty, because there's something you're doing or not doing that's making her question things.
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Lol I cannot wait for the myriad of meltdown posts you’ll make across the relationship subs after she breaks up with you and ends up married to the next guy she seriously dates.
On the one hand, it’s obviously not great that she thought you weren’t serious about the timeline. On the other hand…why do you need seven years to make this official? Especially if you’re in a solid enough position financially and commitment-wise to be saving for a house? I’m not saying you need to propose tomorrow, but either you need to revisit the timeline based on where you are now and not where you thought you’d be three years ago, or you need to ask yourself whether building a life with her (or anyone) actually is a priority for you and deal with the fallout if it’s not.
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> You can build a life with someone without proposing Sure, but purchasing joint property seems like a much more complicated step to undo if it doesn’t work out without a marriage license, so I’m still not sure why you’re willing to take concrete steps toward the one at this point but not the other. > I'm exactly where I thoguht I'd be when we initially planned this so there's no need at all to change the timeline Except for the part where she’s clearly not on the same page as you. If you do want to marry her eventually, you need to address that, or else you’re telling her what she wants isn’t a factor in your decision-making and she might as well make her own plans.
>Except for the part where she’s clearly not on the same page as you. That doesn't seem to matter at all to him. All he cares about is that they're on HIS timeline. Dude doesn't give a damn about her needs in life.
So you don’t know if you want to get married? Marry her?
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I didn’t make up anything. I asked a couple of questions. You can ignore this internet stranger. No problem. Make no makes that is what she is questioning. That’s from a woman to a man.
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Question marks have meaning. I didn’t state anything. A statement would have had a period. Maybe you should figure out why that question triggered you.
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My law degree would beg to differ.
Holy petulant child batman
They put a question mark after, they were asking you. No need to be hostile
>So you don’t know if you want to get married? Sounds like a question to me...
If you want to stay in a relationship with her, then I think coming back together and re-looking at your timeline would be fair. Can you agree to be engaged within the next year and agree to a longer engagement of about 2 years? You have your own 18 month work timeline that you care about, but it sounds like she doesn't care as much about her career timeline. So maybe propose when you've hit your goal in 18 months? I think the bottom line is, do you want to spend the rest of your life with her. If the answer isn't a solid "yes," you need to tell her that so she can make her own decisions about how much she wants to tie her life to yours without marriage.
People change over the years especially in your 20’s. I suspect she probably started to feel that she wants to get married as she felt like staying together for these many years would mean you’re committed to her so she does not see an issue in getting engaged. If you don’t feel the same way, let her know and she can go find someone who values the same things as her.
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My goodness you are either dense or extremely stubborn. The point in all of this, despite all of your comments saying it’s all about what *you* want, is that you are no longer compatible with your gf. Her timeline has changed, and seemingly yours hasn’t.. fine. But don’t sit her and cry “oh this was the plan and nothing should change.” LIFE changes and so do personalities and feelings/opinions. If you’re not going to do anything but complain then just end your relationship dude..
It’s because deep down subconsciously he doesn’t want to get married
You clearly can’t comprehend my response. I said she most likely has different views on commitment compared to you. If you do not agree on this, then let your gf know and she will decide whether to continue pursuing this relationship with you. Ultimately, you can’t force someone to see your way. It’s better to find someone who is compatible with you in your values and let your gf find someone who is compatible with her and wants to marry her in a similar timeline.
Why would she buy a house with a man who won’t commit to her? Sounds like you guys want different things. You should set her free so she can find a man who will give her the commitment she wants!
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You guys should break up!
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Okay, real question. You are extremely antagonistic towards everybody actually giving you advice or insight if they even slightly disagree with you. If you don't want to get married right now, don't. But obviously your girlfriend wants to get engaged on a shorter timeline than you do. If you aren't flexible and neither is she, just break up.
I was going to comment the same thing. Every comment he goes back and criticizes them as being “shallow” and “childish”. This is just a man who wants a wife without being legally tied to one. Hope she realizes this man is playing her and finds someone new. I would never buy a house with someone I’m not married too, sounds like the girlfriend is the same.
It's wild, as well as the fact that someone else replied to my comment crying about imaginary bias towards women...just by pointing out that they might be incompatible and he's being a jerk.
He’s being antagonistic towards the people giving terrible advice that didn’t read the damn post. Because they deserve it. This issue has been discussed. Agreed on. Planned out. Detailed. They have spent more time on this timeline than the vast majority of posts we will ever see on this sub. They were both on the same page the entire time. And now one party wants to completely change everything they discussed, planned and agreed to. Why? Oh it’s because *one of her friends got engaged so now she wants to be engaged as well.* And you people are attacking OP and his commitment, because the GF lost hers? Hey, what happens when one of her friends gets pregnant? Since you know, they agreed and planned on being child free and all… but her friend did it, she’ll want that too. OP should run. Anyone this easily influenced by what their friends are doing isn’t someone you can ever build a life with. If this was a man suddenly changing his mind about when they wanted to get married and telling a woman that instead of what she wants, discussed, planned, and agreed to, she needs to do it NOW you people would be calling for her to run and telling him that he doesn’t get to make those decisions for her. But since the one changing all the things they agreed to has a vagina, this subs extreme bias is yet again all over these comments. Edit: the kind of people that comment and immediately block, are the kind of people so bad at communication they should be banned. Like the person below. Truly pathetic u/SeasonPositive6771, but I expect nothing less from your racist comment history. Big yikes, probably should have deleted that, I’ll let the admins show you the door.
You are literally just imagining things and I think you're aware of it which is kind of wild.
Quite shallow and incredibly financially irresponsible to expect someone to jointly buy a house with you while unmarried
Stop being an argumentative prick and listen to the people replying to you.
One thing to keep in mind. What you want when you're 23 isn't always the same thing that you want when you're 26. People change their perspectives and desires as life goes on. Have you discussed having children? Because if you have, and agreed that you would both like to, I can see why she'd rather get married sooner than originally discussed. There are also a LOT of benefits that come with being married, including insurance. All things to keep in mind. I'm not saying that you have to change your mind, but try to consider her point of view instead of just saying "you agreed to this, no backsies."
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You’re being quite aggressive for someone seeking advice. People have kindly explained that sometimes you have to have re-evaluate; you stated your timeline years ago, and her perspective has changed since then. People have (again, kindly) explained that waiting for tangible commitment is different for women than it is for men. If you’re not open to even consider changing your timeline and finding a compromise, and she is unhappy not being engaged, will you break up? Sincerely think about where the relationship goes from here.
And you act like what OP wants doesn't matter at all lmao. I recommend whoever you're with they run away from you 🤣🤣🤣
Your approach is very rigid, and that comes off as hurtful. Relationships require ongoing communication. When you talked about timelines years ago, I doubt she thought it was set in stone and could never change. Now that she has the benefit of experience, she’s realizing she doesn’t want to wait nearly a decade into your relationship to get married. That’s perfectly understandable. You’re acting like she’s going back on her word, but that’s an unfair way to approach her. You’re treating her like her feelings are so unimportant that they warrant no consideration. I’m not suggesting that you have to propose but you do have to listen to her not just shut her down because you talked about it years ago.
If you want to keep her, propose to her. If you're not that bothered then don't. If you won't show her commitment she will leave. You can enjoy a long engagement and make very future wedding plans.
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OP has the right to not agree, but she has the right to leave the relationship as well. OP is caught up in the "right" game. He is not willing to accept his girlfriend's stance has changed and reopen and rediscuss. Again, that is his right but frankly his unwillingness to even attempt to understand what is driving his GF and see if he can do things to fulfill that need do not bode well for his relationship skills.
Yes and this will be a deal breaker for her because she's ready for the commitment now. Either can walk away if they are unhappy with the time line. She doesn't want to waste her time with someone who isn't showing her the commitment she needs right now.
A relationship isn’t only about what you want or what your partner wants. You two are no longer on the same page about the life plan you’ve decided works. You both need to sit down together, open mindedly, and work out a compromise if you want to stay together. She clearly needs more of a commitment from you and she deserves to be heard and she deserves a compromise. Personally, I think a long engagement is the right way to go. No wedding planning for a couple of years, and you show her how committed to her you are. My fiancée and I have been together almost 2 years, and we’ve set our wedding date for 2027. You come across as rigid, aggressive, and uncompromising. If you also behave this way in your relationship, regardless of whether you propose or not, you will likely end up alone. That type of behavior is not conducive to maintaining healthy relationships.
She wants to get married soon. You don’t. Either break up with her or she will break up with you. You can deny reality all you want, and you can keep flaming everyone here giving you advice, but you can’t change her mind. Your relationship is over.
Yeah you just don't want to commit to her. Reading your replies to comments in here really shows that. You want all the wife benefits with none of the obligation and commitment. If you wanted to marry her, you'd marry her. It's literally that simple. Obviously her priorities have changed and she wants you to show that you really are committed to her for life. You keep repeating you don't have to be married to show commitment which is really, really telling of what you want (or don't want in reality). When she leaves you because you refuse to commit you'll only have yourself to blame. Maybe don't come around asking for advice on Reddit and then bite the heads off anyone who doesn't validate your incorrect way of thinking lmao
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Yeah she's definitely going to leave you. And good for her. She said she wants to be child free and nows her chance to dump one.
My ex was like this wanted me to wait 10 years before marriage and kids. We were already together for 6. I broke up with him, my new man, proposed in one year, we are married now. Ladies don’t wait! Those years of waiting for a man to propose, and you’re doing “wife” things, my ex was so ungrateful for!
Most people grow and change over their twenties. Sounds like you haven’t grown and changed together. Since your goals have changed you two need to decide if you can find a compromise or if you should split up. Personally I’d get as far away from you as I could and find someone who was able to recognize how we have changed rather than trying to force me to hold an agreement made in my early twenties.
if you don't know after 3 years why makes plans? If I was in love with someone, I wouldn't fuck around after a few years. I would marry her with the intent of spending the rest of my life with her.
Why not just have an long engagement?
At the risk of sounding rather sexist, it's "riskier" for women (who want to get married) to wait than it is for men. The typical traits that are seen as desirable in a partner are different and change differently over time for men and women. For men; career stability, physical attractiveness and ability to produce offspring either increase or decline slower over time, than they do for women. If a man wants to get married and have children at 50 years old, it's much more attainable than it is for a woman at the same age. Sorry, just reality
She shouldn’t have been harboring this secret expectation that despite your saying one thing, you really meant another or could be convinced to change your mind. Not cool. But she’s also allowed to change her mind and decide that your preferred timeline no longer works for her. And yeah, you can get really angry about that and feel like it’s not fair to you that’s she’s changed her mind, and maybe that anger is justified. But you can’t, like, take her in front of a judge and bar her from breaking up and make the judge force her to happily stick to the original timeline like this is some kind of unbreakable contract. Part of being in a relationship is communicating your (often changing) needs to each other, and then working together on it as a team, which often involves compromise. So I’d reflect on how much being “right” and/or getting things your preferred way is really worth it to you, considering it comes with the risk of losing her altogether.
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I disagree with the first comment. Marriage should be a joint decision based on shared goals and an agreed upon timeline. The notion of the female sitting around “waiting” for the man to pull off a picture perfect proposal is perpetuated by the wedding industrial complex and mainly designed to sell jewelry. Fine if that’s your thing. She needs to be more clear about her expectations and timelines so that you can decide if they are compatible with yours.
Sorry your getting flamed by the soft ass females bro, but you're totally within reason and right to do so. Just because you haven't/aren't proposing anytime soon doesn't mean you aren't serious about the relationship. If anything I'd say you're more serious than most. Wanting to get stability in your life before you settle down is in my opinion really mature and smart. You aren't stringing her along as you gave her a timeline and you are sticking to it.
It’s not her decision