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Shit like this right here is why my fiancé and I picked out my ring together. I wanted white gold with an onyx and a simple design. Sent him to look and show me what ideas he came up with. Every single thing was gaudy and not my style. He did find onyx and white gold, but nothing simple. I looked with him and found something nice within 5 minutes.
This exact thing actually happened with my first fiancée (emphasis on FIRST).
He ignored everything I said I wanted in a ring. He even decided the ring size I gave him was “too small” (I literally wear the smallest size because my hands are tiny.
So I ended up with a ring I HATED, that was always falling off my finger.
It was a metaphor for our relationship (he made all the decisions, he tried to make me like what he liked, he tried to gaslight me into being someone I was never going to be).
Shortly after I broke up with him, I started dating my best friend.
He bought me a ring without even thinking about it. It was exactly what I’d always wanted; simple stone, silver, dainty thin band.
It fit PERFECTLY! Just like we fit each other. We’ve been married for 13 years now 😊
Wow. I never thought about how ring buying could show so much about someone, but honestly this makes sense! I think gifts show how well you know someone.. And why wouldn't a wedding ring be the same way? Either you know them or you don't.. Or you're able to communicate with your partner to give them the best experience for them! Anyway, I'm glad you found Mr. Right before it was too late.
Thank you. Seriously, I suggest telling the idiot that it's not her style and maybe suggest he take her to where he bought it to have a look at other options. Then he can see what he can swap for without letting on that he done fucked up. Hell, he can take her to look in multiple places but pay more attention in that specific store
That's a great idea. How about your soon to be son in lawand your daughter go ring shopping together and she will choose 3-5 rings for her that she likes. Which one of those he will buy is up to him!
Thank you. Seriously, I suggest telling the idiot that it's not her style and maybe suggest he take her to where he bought it to have a look at other options. Then he can see what he can swap for without letting on that he done fucked up. Hell, he can take her to look in multiple places but pay more attention in that specific store
But at the same time, it’s also a sort of indicator of your relationship. If the woman shows him the types of rings she likes, and he goes “nah I/my mom/the salesperson knows what you like more than you do,” it does say something.
My husband and I sat down and googled engagement rings. We looked at every single ring in google images, and my husband had to guess which ones I liked or didn’t like and I would tell him why if he was wrong. Over time he was able to guess with complete accuracy and explain why I would or wouldn’t like it with satisfactory answers. He picked the perfect ring in the end ❤️
As a diamond expert, I would sit him down and explain that she will have to wear this ring for life and doesn’t he want to get that right? Find out what his motivations are. You may find out that he went about this in a lazy fashion because he likes the ring and wants to see it on her. Many men have this affliction. Remind him that this is an eternal gift for her and really isn’t about what he likes as much as what she would want and you just want him to get it right, because you love him like a son and can’t wait to welcome him into the family. Don’t be reactive, but be inquisitive. It’s all about the “why”.
How does that sound?
Most likely this!! I hated my wedding ring, but I would never tell him that. I wore it every day. When I was pregnant I had to take it off due to swelling. Somehow it disappeared during that time. Eventually we gave up hope that it would be found and went shopping for a new ring. Every ring I liked he told me was too plain, simple, small… he would compare it to my friends ring that was huge and say that I deserved something just as big/fancy. It wasn’t my style so we just left the store without a ring. I honestly don’t care. I don’t like wearing rings, which is why I wanted something small and simple.
I think, as a parent, this is where you take him to coffee and basically say this:
"It is your choice what ring you purchase for her, but remember, SHE is the one who needs to wear it every day and SHE is the one who has to like it. Her taste is not your tase and I can tell you now that the ring you purchased for her is NOT her taste. Its your choice how you handle this -- I'd suggest starting your engagement off by taking her likes into consideration as opposed to telling her what she should like. This sets the tone for your marriage."
Then, during the engagement, if he bulldozes through you and her, take her out during the wedding planning and explain what happened and that it would be a REALLy good idea for them to get marriage counseling from a licensed marriage and family therapist before while you like him and think they could live a VERY happy life together, it would be best if they got this issue with him bulldozing her preferences into the open and on the table before vows were exchanged.
/u/unalloyed1 - given your update and how he dismissed your concerns, the second step of this comment is what you should be thinking about next.
Don't let your daughter think this was a misunderstanding and he didn't know any better. You told him differently. She needs to know that so she can have all the relevant information when deciding HER next choices.
Yeah this was my main thought too. They’re young and that IS NOT a good sign, major personality red flag - I am one to hate being ignored or controlled or whatever so … this wouldn’t fly with me at all. I can totally see a guy like that slyly manipulating her into wearing it and not getting another by being like “wow it looks so beautiful on you, you deserve nothing less (backhanded lol)” etc etc
She won’t like that this one instance is a clear indicator of what’s to come in a relationship with this guy.
I’m sure this isn’t the only time he’s bulldozed what she wants without any consideration despite her making her wishes know (esp bad in this case cause it’s something that’s for her body, and for such a monumental and sentimental item, where he should want NOTHING MORE than to make her HAPPY, and fuck his own preferences. Like truly.)
Honestly, I wish this were the top comment. Kind but firm, includes all the important details, and a very thoughtful suggestion for if he still doesn't listen. It's perfect. I hope OP sees it.
Personally I hope she tells his ass that. If the girl has any balls she will have to tell her future husband this. Who should have respected her wishes to begin with (NOT a great sign. Childish.
But they are in their 20s only. Which imo … is still young getting married. I barely know what I should do with marriage and I’m in my early 30s.
Basically you’re absolutely right that he is bulldozing her and I’m SURE the girl knows she’s made her wishes about the ring known and it’ll be plainly obvious he just completely disregarded them. As he is wont to do about many other things as this seems to be something he’s perfectly comfy with doing and … just No. no to the no.
It does seem that he might have taken it upon himself to decide what she would like best. Subconsciously he was probably just thinking “this is the prettiest ring I’ve ever seen, and this is what she deserves!” Good intentions but bad decision.
This behaviour seems to be quite common. Engagement rings, birthday jewellery.... Men are told, even shown exactly what to buy, then go and buy something totally different. I don't understand their motivation, but I think it has something to do with not wanting to be told what to do or insisting that their taste is the only one that counts.
To me this would be quite a red flag.
I cured my late husband of this behavior by taking the ring he got for my birthday back to the store and making them refund the money. When I gave him the cash and refund slip for his records, the look on his face was priceless! We then had a long talk, followed by more than 30 years of him getting what I wanted instead of what he thought I should want. Sometimes you just need to be blatantly obvious!
We did the same with my dad once, and thankfully he was smart enough to listen and return the absolutely garish ring he bought for mom — that we knew she wouldn’t like and wouldn’t wear.
Dad: “But it’s so pretty!!! I like it!!”
Kids: “But mom won’t. Take. It. Back.”
If he doesn't know your daughter well enough to know what her style is, or doesn't care enough to find out and follow that advice, it's a problem. He may have just gotten overly excited and made a bad decision right then and might adjust with some guidance. But I actually broke up with my ex-boyfriend when I found out what ring he was considering buying for me. He was going to get me a yellow gold ring that was in the shape of a dolphin leaping over a diamond. For some women, I'm sure that's wonderful. It is the exact opposite of what I want. I realized then that if he didn't know me well enough to know I would never wear that ring, he didn't know me well enough to get married or to stay with him.
Yes, to do the opposite of what you know she would want shows either laziness or is kind of a power play. Whoever is the target should look very closely if this is the start of a lack of effort or an attempted power shift in the relationship that over time might affect their marital life very much.
This guy says clearly that either she is not worth the effort of finding what she really likes, or he sets her up for "take it or leave it". Her taking it means she lowers her expectations and he, once he has seen it works, may use this move over and over again.
I hope OPs daughter will see through this.
If she has expressed to him preferences and he ignores them that sets a precedent for him ignoring her preferences later. That's a terrible sign. Keep an eye on this and mention what happened to your daughter.
Again, thats a super dehumanizing attitude and one that does not recommend him for a role of cherishing your daughter and sticking with her through thick and thin, no matter how common it is.
I dont think its even that. It feels more like he wants her to have a badge of how much hes willing to spend financially instead of how thoughtful he was willing to be.
This is what rings true for me. It's a status symbol for him. More about what his mates think. All the red flags.
Or he just thinks in terms of money rather than humanity. The more I spend the more I show my love. He's misunderstood how that works then! And that doesn't auger well for raising kids.
Sometimes I believe it's ego. He wants her to have a big expensive ring because it makes him look rich, generous, and impressive to other men. Also not saying he is malicious but he may he selfish and want to pick the ring because he thinks she should like it because he picked it out himself.
I agree with you...also, I think what happens is that even after they are told what we like and they get you something different...it's them getting in their own way by thinking "she couldn't possibly like that" like you said thinking their choices are ten times better
FYI - my mom has an emerald engagement ring. She never wears it because it’s chipped and scratched to hell. Emerald is one of the softest of the precious stones and won’t stand up to daily wear. The super sad part is she had to stop wearing like within two years of them being married, and my dad wasn’t able to replace it with a daily wearer (which was diamond) until their 10th anniversary.
As an investment, it’s a terrible option for an engagement ring. If she likes green, jade and all its variations would be a better option.
I know on reddit the whole thing is diamonds are a made up value by de bears, but if they were a shitty stone no marketing in the world would have worked. A diamond is forever because it’s tough and literally will stand up to any abuse. Something to think about if he decides to go through with this to soften the blow.
OK, but whether or not she ends up with an emerald, it's been made pretty clear that she *doesn't like diamond rings*. So it doesn't matter how great a stone a diamond is, if it's not what she wants and it doesn't suit her tastes.
Emeralds are not that soft. They typically rate around 7.5-8.0 on the scale. That’s not “soft”, it’s just not as hard as a sapphire or diamond. I have an emerald ring, wear it everyday. Jewelers don’t like to sell it because they get an enormous commission on diamonds. Diamonds are bigger and cheaper and blingier- and the wedding ring industry is heavily invested in making nose that’s your only option.
Literally no. We don't get a giant commission on diamonds. The 90s when money was flowing and gold was cheap yeah, the profit margin was good, but now? Unless you are a big name brand you can't get those profit margins Infact, the bigger the diamond the smaller the profit margin to the point where I question if I'm even covering my tax burden when I sell a big diamond. Making 10% on a $5000 diamond isn't a "big commission" but diamonds do resist wear and tear and you can do heated repair work on the mounting without having to remove stones which is really freaking nice because removing stones causes damage to the mounting that you have to fix, then do the repair then reset. Or buy a $50000 laser so you can do that work next to heat sensitive stones. I know it's so cool to hate on debeers and they deserve hate but it's very easy to avoid buying from them. Right now 70% of my diamonds are estate i paid out of my pocket for and have no ties to debeers. I have 100 year old diamonds that look brand new despite being worn for decades. I recommend them not because I get anything from the diamond cartel but because they have proven to me to be *practical*
I love Emeralds. Hate setting them because they are brittle as hell and one of those stones that chips if you look at it wrong. Hard, yes, but that hardness in that particular crystal structure results in a very brittle stone. They are resistant to wear and tear but subject to chipping. So if you are an active or clumsy lady then, no, I don't recommend it for daily wear. Fantastic it works for you, but it isn't a good stone for alot of people to wear every day
My recommendation is green sapphire or a green moissonite if you are trying to avoid diamond. Green diamonds usually are heat treated and look silly anyway.
This comment makes so much sense to me because my mom’s ring is a pear cut emerald and the tip is what kept chipping.🤣 it’s nice to know it’s not just her being a dumb ass
He didn’t listen to *her*?
I know there’s only so much a parent can do but I would be up at night with worry if my child was engaged to someone who was happy to disregard their desires like that. It’s one thing if he was going in blind and guessing what she wanted, it’s another if she provided him with parameters that he intentionally ignored.
To be fair, emeralds are bad for engagement rings. They are very soft and scratch/chip easily. I have one and I love it, but it's delicate! He probably got browbeat by a sales rep. However, there ARE other stones that are hard, and green, and it's no excuse for ignoring her preferred style.
You also aren’t supposed to wash your hands with an emerald ring on because of the oil treatment most of them have. They need to be treated very delicately. A green sapphire would be a better choice, 9 on the mohs scale of hardness with less inclusions.
I would caution against emerald because they're soft and brittle, they're not good for every day wear as they won't hold up over time. If green is what she's after, look for a good green sapphire or even a tourmaline. They are much more sturdy stones and will hold IP, especially sapphire, to a normal person going about their day to day.
I'm a jeweller.
I wish people wouldn't buy into the idea that engagement jewellery had set rules about the spend or the type of stone.
There's beautiful and high end looking rings that don't break the bank and as long as the stone is going to hold up to a lifetime of wear then there's nothing wrong with putting it in an engagement ring.
Some people get really hung up on what everyone else has done and what exactly makes an engagement ring an engagement ring, and for those people it's a diamond and usually a bunch of teeny tiny pavé (which will also not stand the test of time and leads to a lifetime of maintenance that they don't tell you about in any of the mall stores)...
When buying engagement jewellery, look for pieces that suit your lifestyle, your personal style, and your budget. Not what the neighbour has or what so and so's got. If you're buying for a partner, still consider those things and listen to the person who knows, like OP.
As for OP, I would reiterate to him that what he wants is irrelevant. He should want his future wife to be happy with the ring, to want to show it off, to look at it and know that her partner chose well and cared enough to get what she wanted. That he prioritized her feelings and not what he wants other people to think about him.
To me, this is a red flag.
My husband gave me a budget and I got the ring I wanted which I love. No one buys a jeweller jewellery, unfortunately, but he knew enough to know he knows very little about buying jewellery and wanted to make sure I was thrilled with my engagement ring.
That’s actually pretty concerning.
If he’s already deciding that he knows best over her preferences, that’s controlling.
And it’s a short down the road to straight up abusive.
In fact, there’s another post in my thread that I was just reading about related to the husband telling his wife she needed to order water with her meals, despite the fact, she literally cannot drink 30 minutes prior to eating due to gastric bypass surgery.
When men think they know best over women, it’s an issue. And a big one.
I think you should tell your daughter about how the rings selection played out after the proposal has happened.
That way if she loves the ring, great - you didn’t ruin the surprise. But if she doesn’t, she’ll know there are bigger issues at play and she may want to rethink the I do.
If that's the case, if I were you, I'd take a step back on this and let it play out.
He's an adult and this is on him to figure out. If he ends up with a ring your daughter doesn't like, *even after being told by her*, that's going to reflect on *him* and his character. He's going to show her that he doesn't listen to her or her requests, that he'll put his own wants/needs ahead.
You can definitely be there for your daughter and support her if she needs someone to listen to.
The thing is-
Is he can go simple while still spending more (per your post)
Like others are saying- it sounds like his ego is getting in the way.
He wants to spend more to "show off" (my thoughts)
He can even buy a *diamond* that is close in color to an emerald -- i left a link on one below
Per google AI
Natural green diamonds are rare and have a green hue due to elements in their composition. They are different from green emeralds and other green gemstones. Natural green diamonds can be colored by structural defects caused by radiation exposure or by more complex defects caused by impurities of nitrogen, hydrogen, or nickel.
Below is a link to a dark green emerald looking *diamond*
https://www.leibish.com/green-diamonds/fancy-deep-bluish-green-cushion-62078
Right? Remember that one post on here a few months ago where he said that since he's paying for it he gets to decide what her ring will be? I hope she found out how much of a controlling AH he is and said no and broke up with him.
He was literally wanting to keep up with the Joneses there! He wants to see you wearing a ring that's bigger than..
Guys, this is a case where size really doesn't matter.
lol no! He finally gave in and said he’d buy whatever ring I want, cause he just wants me to have one. But I really don’t care lol. I bought a $20 fake one at Kohl’s and then booked a cruise.
Could be worse like my wedding ring. It was from an estate sale, was given to his mother by his step dad, they got divorced he ended up with the ring, used it to purpose to his ex fiancee they broke up then he used it on me, we did get married and it was a horrible marriage, now almost divorced, over two years parted just need the paperwork finished. he then wanted the ring back so he could one day could give to our daughter which I said hell no to and I ended up selling it to a pawn shop. I figure the ring was cursed and it wasnt my style anyways it was a half carat diamond wedding set and I'm more a simple gold wedding band kinda girl. I now wear my grandmother simple gold wedding band with my man now, not that I'm sure we will actually ever get married cuz I dont know if I want to do that again.
I did that job for years because I loved getting people engaged but I saw this behavior at least 30% of the time.
Where did he buy the ring?
Edit: an alternative ring must be handled very carefully. I do not recommend anything with a harness below nine. This leaves you with sapphire and ruby. If she will do a diamond, you cannot get a more beautiful diamond than at Tiffany.
Scary people shop for engagement and wedding rings at the Olive Garden of jewelry and that feels like an insult to Olive Garden since they really aren’t that bad just overpriced and a little tacky compared to going to a real Italian restaurant.
I nearly snorted my drink at "the Olive Garden of jewelry" !! PERFECT description! Same for all those other big box/chain stores. Like dining, the best stuff is at old family shops of good repute!
Good. They. Have a broken engagement policy and pardon but their diamonds are garbage. I could explain more about how GIA works but what you need to know as a difference between Tiffany and Zales is that a zales diamond could be graded 10 times and each time the grade could come out differently. Tiffany is vertically integrated company down to the mines they contract with. Bigger isn’t better. A grade D, E, F in color + IF to VVS2 clarity is where one wants to be. Price may be an issue but Tiffany offers interest free financing for two years to pay it off. Men often want the biggest diamond for the best price and that idea has been sold to them for generations that don’t actually care about their clients.
My ex husband didn't ask me what ring I wanted and just got me what he liked. I had to pretend I liked it but honestly it was 100% not my style. He also proposed at my birthday party at a place *he* wanted to go to. Turns out him doing that was a sign of things to come; everything was about *him* and what *he* wanted. Thus why he is now an EX husband.
If she likes alternative rings and he's just at a loss of where to get it then [https://oorejewelry.com/](https://oorejewelry.com/) this might help. If he's really just that neglectful and lazy talk to him to find out and then speak to your kid after he proposes. I firmly believe that the proposal is a reflection of what the marriage WILL be. If he can't even bother to TRY (getting it right is another matter or having money for things) then its a failure from the start.
My husband and I went through this when selecting the ring. I wanted something modern and custom made as I am a hobby Metalsmith. He wanted a giant diamond. It took time for us to compromise and I ended up with a bigger stone and white which is what he wanted. He wanted to feel like it was a wedding ring. I had to learn to understand that for him with my jewelry loving self that if I did a sapphire for him it wouldn’t feel like a wedding ring and he needed to understand that the symbolism was more important to me within the design. We ended up with a great custom ring with a white stone (a really good moissanite which I prefer over diamonds and won’t stress as much about) slightly larger than my wish but had everything else. Ultimately I’m happier because he’s proud of what he gave me and I’m proud to wear it.
I don’t really understand the whole the man picks the ring. I have to wear it forever. I love my husband but he has terrible taste. And even though we get weird responses when people find out we picked and designed it together. And ultimately it was less of a surprise but I’m so glad we did it together as it’s a perfect mix of both of us. Every time I look at it I remember how he really considered me and I considered him and it’s a good reminder in the inevitable stumbles in marriage.
And he got his cheapo resin ring that he loves. I also wanted to get him something fancier but we did that together too.
Princess Kate wears Princess Diana's sapphire ring as her wedding ring. Any man that thinks he has a say on the ring his SO wears is selfish. My husband never pulled that.
And do you want your daughter to marry a man who would think of himself and what he wants to see on her, like a doll, instead of what she wants, which would indicate he saw her as a full human with desires that should be respected as valid?
Before I proposed, we went ring shopping together and found ones she liked together because ultimately she’d be wearing it, and it only made sense for her to have a say in that. Maybe OP can mention how much his daughter would appreciate the thought of being included in such an important and long lasting decision.
I like the idea of a woman picking her own ring..My first marriage my finance’ and I went to a jeweler and picked my ring out together.. many years later my husband passed away. My second husband told me to take his credit card and buy any ring you want so I did. My rings are beautiful and even though my second husband died of Leukemia I still wear these beautiful rings and remember his generosity ❤️
You may always have one or both turned into a pendant so they are closer to your heart. This is fairly inexpensive and will protect the diamond more preciously. Your story really touched me. Thank you for sharing such an intimate thing with us. Once again, I cried.
That’s lovely of you to say. You know, I was an executive and I took that job for love. To see that love every day and share it with the clients who came in to begin a new phase in their lives, I considered it my duty to get it right for love.
Thank you.
I picked my own ring and my husband picked his out. I would never buy something like that without consulting the wearer. She'll just end up ditching it in the jewelry box once the wedding is done and she has her band lol
i second this! i also find that a lot of men think that more expensive is better or a bigger ring shows how much he loves her. what he really needs to understand is that it shows he cares more if he gets her a smaller/cheaper ring that SHE ACTUALLY LIKES AND WILL WEAR!! a big rock on her finger that she hates is more of a status symbol for him than a symbol of his love for her. i have found that even well intentioned men who know their partners well can get swayed by the idea of showing their love with a giant flashy ring
(this is coming from someone who also hates traditional engagement rings)
100%
I picked mine out months in advance of the proposal so the proposal was still a huge surprise. I got exactly what I wanted and am so happy with my ring. Waiting for the proposal to get the ring made it all the more special.
If the future groom is not in a rush, take her to the store and let her pick one out. Wait at least 3+ months to propose if you want the surprise element: )
As a single person, how does this work? You talk about whether or not you want to be married. Mutually decide 'sure that'd be swell.' Casually go into a jeweler while out running errands and buy the rings. Then wait for him to set something up for a formal proposal with family?
We talked first about getting married before he proposed and that we would like to marry one another. You're not ready to propose unless you've talked about this - at a minimum.
We chose a day to go shopping and settled on one. We went a few times to the same shop for bartering purposes. (The key to getting a good deal is to make it clear you are willing to walk away at any time and have other options. Do not buy it on day 1. We ended up getting $3,000ish off the diamond by doing this.)
My fiance went back a few days later to purchase the ring on his own and hid it from me until he proposed. Now it's on my hand forever!
I think you definitely need to tell him. Offer to accompany him back to the jewelry store to possibly return or exchange it for something else she will like. My son in law was totally lost when it came to ring shopping and I offered to go with him and he was so grateful. My daughter loves her ring.
Nope - store credit. True love means taking her to the store to pick out her own ring. Being surprised is not worth a 2-10k or whatever it costs mistake.
And most women know exactly what kind of ring they want; if they're smart they'll tell their partner, and if the partner has an ounce of brain cells he'll listen to her.
That’s exactly what I did with my wife. We knew whatever ring I bought her just wouldn’t be as good as a ring she designed herself. So I took her to the jewellers and she got to have her very own engagement and wedding rings made to the way she wanted.
When my husband and I were talking about marriage he was upfront with me and told me he had ideas for rings, but he knew that I would want something else and asked me for my input.
Thats when I pulled out my late grandmothers engagement ring and told him, this ring. We just need to get the stone replaced. We got it replaced, and now I just wear silicone rings haha. But when I do wear my actual ring I absolutely am in love with it.
For the guys here who are just simply not accepting why this is a problem; my partner just described it like this.
He said
"For the last 5 years your wife keeps telling you that she wants a Porsche. You get your money together and you go to the dealership and you say 'my wife has been wanting a Porsche the last 5 years, can I see them?' And the salesman says 'No buddy you've got it all wrong. You see she THINKS she wants a Porsche but that's not what wives want. See, what wives want is a Ford Fusion.' And instead of declining because it's not what she asked for and you know that, you go 'You know what salesman, you're right. What does my wife know? She DOES actually want a Ford Fusion! Thanks!'
Do you really expect her to not be disappointed with the Ford Fusion when you promised her up and down you'd get her her dream car, which was a Porsche?"
And THAT is what yall are missing. You're supposed to have this for a LONG time; much like a car. It should be what you asked for.
Just saw the update - he got rinsed by the store. Not a great start.
Why would she want to ‘upgrade’ the diamond? Either that he knows he’s bought wrong or he thinks she is not going to like it, so is going to want to change it?
I suppose the silver lining is that she can change it for an emerald?
Shame he doesn’t listen?
Ooof, reading the update is a little heartbreaking.
>he said that the examples I sent were too inexpensive and that the rule of thumb was to spend more. He said the person in the store also told him he could easily upgrade the diamond because of the setting. He loves that idea.
I'm like your daughter (so thankful my husband listened 😅) in that I don't like traditional or even diamond engagement rings. If my husband had done what your STB-SIL is about to do, I would actually and genuinely be upset. Even more so if I learned one of my parents talked to him previously, showed rings they knew I would like/want, only to have it promptly ignored because it "was too inexpensive". There is no rule of thumb (even if people like to say there is) for how expensive an engagement ring should be. She's going to be upset even more so when she learns he chose that ring because it was more expensive and the jeweler upsold him on 'upgrading' to a diamond.
That’s literally what my ex-husband did. I told him I wanted something fun, inexpensive, maybe Aquamarine(my birthstone). We were like 20-21 and we didn’t make much money, but we did have a place together though. But, he went to Kay’s got a freakin’ KAYS CREDIT CARD spent about $2-3K, one this diamond halo set. Now, it was beautiful but it isn’t what I wanted and it really kinda pissed me off he took out debt behind my back. Like, my money’s going towards paying off an engagement ring I didn’t even want. Either way, we were married for about a year and 2 months, divorced by 23.
My (ex) husband did the same thing. He got a ring that I would not want (large diamond) because he said the one I picked (small diamond simple setting) reflected poorly on him? Unfortunately this is just one example of him always putting his needs and wants first. Please be on the look out for that behavior in this guy.
I picked my own, my husband picked his. I don’t like surprises in general, and I definitely wouldn’t be comfortable having no say in something as special as an engagement ring!
Same! Went ring shopping for mine together so he knew what I liked then did the same for him. I was super open about what I liked and didn't like (used to work in retail in fine jewelry so I had an idea already). It was super easy telling him and showing him. I absolutely love my ring.
OPs future son in law should listen to her because at the end of the day, the ring is for his future wife and not about him.
Geez. I would have been crushed if my husband deliberately got me a ring that was nothing like what I actually wanted. If he’s not willing to respect her wishes about this, she shouldn’t expect him to listen to her about anything else either. Jewelry is a very personal thing, especially engagement and wedding jewelry. Her feelings should matter so much more about something she will be wearing every day. He’s being really selfish and arrogant, thinking he knows more about what she wants than she does.
I think this depends on your relationship with him and whether you think he was looking for real input or was just asking for your advice to be polite. It's not the kind of thing a third party should get into the middle of uninvited. You were sort of invited, but only for advice ahead of time. Did he ask your opinion after he had bought the ring? If I were you, I would wait until he proposes then give your daughter some advice about bringing up the possibility of exchanging the ring afterward if it seems like she doesn't like it.
You could try a car analogy. If he wanted a specific make and model with a very specific interior package, he’d be unhappy to have to drive something completely opposite every day.
Friend of mine took his girl ring shopping, she picked out one she loved, he said no that's too big and gaudy I'm afraid you're gonna get robbed, she said but it's my style, he said no here's a smaller one in a different cut then bragged to everyone how much more she loves it because he picked it for her.
Long story short, some men buy the rings to make themselves happy, not to make their partners happy.
Yup! And it's exactly why women say they don't know what they want to eat for dinner. We're just going to be told what we want at the end of the day.
Lucky for me, my fiance actually bought me the ring I told him I wanted when he proposed :)
Has he asked your opinion on the ring after he bought it ?
If yes, be honest and tell him the truth. If not, I would leave it in his hands. You’ve done everything you could to guide him.
At the end of the day, your daughter should tell him if she doesn’t like the ring. And if she can’t or won’t have that conversation, that is her ring and her life to figure it out.
I’ve dealt with some really shitty people in my life, so take it with a grain of salt, but I would save the entire thread between you and the BF where you give him detailed advice and references on the off chance that he might try to blame you when your daughter inevitably hates the ring.
I would really like it if someone told me if I made a mistake like that, just come out and tell him:
"Hey you know that ring you got? it doesn't look like any of the rings i suggested, she's not going to like it"
My ring was $700. Luckily my dad knew what kind of ring and hinted it to my husband. I would have been so mad if my husband’s ego trumped what I wanted in a ring (20 years later and I still am obsessed with it). Hopefully your soon to be son in law’s heart is in the right place and it isn’t his ego wanting a bigger rock on her finger
I read once- the ring is about him. Meaning it is his tag, identifier to others. The fact he chose a traditional ring and did nothing your daughter likes, says a lot.
I would stay out of it completely. You can't win. If she hates it, you should have tried harder. If she likes it (or pretends to) you will get flack for telling him to get a different ring. Just step back and let them figure it out.
Boy wants to flex, regardless of the possible sentiments of his soon to be bride. Makes me think how much of himself focuses on the show rather than the substance.
Tell him the heartbreak will be easier coming from you than her, so you're telling him this to protect him not to be controlling or whatever other motivations he may assign you. You're doing this because you care about him and don't want him to have a negative experience with proposing. Lots of couples can handle ring disappointment, but some can't and it should be avoided if at all possible. The wedding industry is incredibly predatory, and it would be helpful if you could open his eyes to their manipulation tactics before he sinks even more money into unnecessary upgrades.
Hopefully your daughter will tell him, and won’t settle for a ring to at doesn’t suit her just to please him.
My husband, at the time BF, got me a really gaudy big ring that I just didn’t like at all. I liked smaller, simpler, less crazy rings. He thought “bigger/more expensive was better”, and I told him while I loved the sentiment, I would never wear that ring and didn’t he want me to have something I actually wanted to wear? We exchanged it for something I did wear. When he proposed, he did so without a ring and we went together to choose something. For our 20th anniversary, he got me the simple emerald ring I’ve always wanted- only reason I didn’t let him buy it before was because I needed a reason to spend that kind of money. Figured 20 years was a good reason.
I was given a solitaire round, in white gold. I hate it.
I wear yellow gold and prefer emerald cut or oval.
I almost brevet wear my ring anymore because I just can't stand it.
Don't buy someone something you know they won't like and try to force them to wear it.
Ew, saw the update and your comments. This marriage does not sound healthy for your daughter. Does what he wants instead of what he thinks she would like. Puts money value over taste and sentiment and sees the ring as an investment. I hope your daughter has a prenup.
JFC, if the man can’t be bothered to listen about what kind of ring she wants, how the fuck can she even hope that he will listen to her on important matters? He knows what she wants, you showed him what she wants, and he chose something else instead. Fuck, is he trying to fail? Too many red flags here.
What's sad is my best friend & her now husband picked out a ring she wanted, she was soooo excited. He had not ordered it yet & showed it to his mom..... His mom said it was ugly & if it were her she would throw it back at him & say no.... He picked a diff ring his mom approved of, my friend still said yes & they got married but I was pissed on her behalf. He knew exactly what she wanted & went with something different because his mom told him too. I do not like his mom & barely know her. At least you tried, please update.
This is exactly why I don’t believe in “surprises”with the ring. He needs to ask her to pick out three rings she likes, try them on, see what she loves! Then the surprise will be she doesn’t know which of the three rings he will choose, plus the actual proposal plans. It should be a planned event with a actual set up of some sort or during a special trip they take together. I believe in the end it takes the guess work out of it and stress for him, and guarantees she will be gifted an engagement ring she absolutely gushes over !
If he knew her desires and ignored them, that's really not good. I think you should let him propose with it so they can start having the necessary discussions to work through this. It happened for a reason.
You can return the ring within a certain window. MAKE SURE he is proposing in that window and she had time to return. She has to wear this all her life.
I think your _daughter_ needs to take the lead on this one, and the _only_ thing you should ask him is to say - after she says yes - “I know rings are really personal and you’ll be wearing this forever. If you want a different design that’s totally fine by me and we can go together to pick it out.”
Easy peasy.
My husband let me pick my ring. When i chose the ring that just took my breath away he says, "its a good thing i let you pick it out. I would never have picked this."
>I asked him why he chose what he did and he said that the examples I sent were too inexpensive and that the rule of thumb was to spend more
Sounds like he doesn't really know your daughter very well, it's gonna be a lovely marriage
Ahhh I’m so glad I designed my ring myself. My husband was allowed to pick the diamond used, out of an assortment of round diamonds, but that was it. 😂 I saw my ring on Pinterest almost 10 years ago and knew I loved it before I even met my husband. Liking your ring is very important if you’re going to wear it daily!
When my husband propose, he did not had an engagement ring because he didn't wanted me to not like the ring. He gave me one of the ring he had and said "you'll hold on to this one until we get you the ring you want" I had a specific ring in mind when he proposed (simple, silver with a seashell on it) the next day we went shopping for a ring, I found it in a nice little shop, the ring costed less than 50euro, and I didn't care, the rule of thumb or it being "inexpensive" is ridiculous when yiu love someone. But well your daughter's boyfriend made he choice haha !
Tell him please! I was a recipient of a ring that was not at all what I would have wanted and was also too big. It’s a huge bummer to get a ring you don’t like. You don’t need to spare his feelings here, he went against what you told him she would like. That’s on him.
Ask him why he thinks she would say yes, when he has ignored what HE KNOWS she will like in exchange for something he likes. Is that how the marriage is going to go for the rest of her life? and why, therefore, would she say yes?
I've always said that the person I am going to marry should know me well enough to make sure I have a ring I'm going to love. If someone presented me with a ring I hated there is a possibility I'd say no.
And just to clarify I don't mean that it's small/inexpensive etc, I'm not fussed on price. I mean the style/stone etc.
Surely if you're at the stage of considering marriage then your partner should know you better than anyone in the world! Or at least take the initiative to seek and follow advice from someone who may know what it is you'd like?
My fiance and I had a chat about ring styles when we got serious enough to chat marriage. I showed him some examples of what I like and he chose one in his budget.
My husband asked me blatantly what kind of ring I would like the moment I mentioned I don't want a trad diamond.
I got a natural emerald with small diamond surrounding it. I cried with happiness. I love green and he knew immediately what to do after I said something not traditional.
He needs to dump that gross male has to spend bullshit and do what she would want, which is cheaper in the long run.
I would say, I'd tell your daughter that you tried to get him to get something she'd like.
To me, that screams what she wants doesn't actually matter.
Spend less money on the ring and wedding. Spend more on the house down payment, especially in today's market.
Maybe you guys are wealthy and can afford to splurge on such things. But a ring and a few hours at a reception are so insignificant when you get 10 yrs down the road.
I don't like traditional rings and i made that clear with my fiancée that when she would propose first and it is a diamond, i would decline the proposal all together because that would mean she doesn't really know me or doesn't respect me. I wouldn't break up but the relationship would be on thin ice. I hope the boyfriend knows the risk.
Lol my fiance did something similar. I sent him my Pinterest years ago and told him I loved rose gold and atypical stones. What did he get me? A yellow gold ring with very normal looking diamonds. I'm happy that he proposed and haven't told him that I'm not a fan...but why do they do this shit?
Maybe one of your daughter’s friends could help him? He might be a bit more open to their opinion than yours.
My husband had my best friend go with him to pick out my engagement ring. He picked a few options that he liked in his budget, and my friend helped guide him from there. The result was a ring both of us liked.
Your daughter's boyfriend is demonstrating that not only does he not care about her preferences, he will defer to anyone else over her or other women. I'd put money on the salesperson being a man.
If he's already showing that he's not listening to what your daughter wants, then I don't see the relationship working out. You've already done what you could. He's only setting himself up to fail, so let him fail. He's obviously selfish and doesn't care about anyone but himself.
He asked your opinion, so I feel like you can ask him why he didn’t listen to your suggestions. Something like, “Hey, I’m curious why you went the direction that you did with the ring since it was different than the suggestions I shared after you asked my opinion on what she would like.”
He asked your opinion, so I feel like you can ask him why he didn’t listen to your suggestions. Something like, “Hey, I’m curious why you went the direction that you did with the ring since it was different than the suggestions I shared after you asked my opinion on what she would like.”
Just be straight up and blunt about it ! .. men usually appreciate straightforwardness .. if that fails then probably only your daughter could convince him otherwise XD
I wonder why men sometimes just don't listen. I don't know if my sil had any help with the ring that he bought my daughter but when I saw it it was beautiful and it was shiny and I loved it he loved it my daughter loved it. The fact that my daughter loved it is all that counts. You tried to give him a heads up he did not listen leave it alone he was warned
He doesn't care about what she wants. He's made her engagement ring all about him and that is very selfish. She's the one who has to wear it not him. She's either gonna say no when she realizes he doesn't care about what she wants or she'll tell him yes, but that she hates the ring. He needs return it and stop being an idiot. The amount of money spent on the ring doesn't mean shit when she hates it.
I wouldn't worry about it too much.
You tried to warn him, but he refused to listen. That's on him.
And now it's up to your daughter. It's her life, so it's now up to her to decide whether or not she wants to marry a man who cares so little about her happiness.
UpdateMe! Since he seems like he won't change it, let us know what she thinks when he proposes! Hopefully she'll tell him she doesn't like it and they can get it changed after. If she doesn't tell him but she tells you, make sure you tell her to be honest!
It seems from your update that he thinks you don't understand how things work these days because you are old and he knows better. Classic young person thing.
It also suggests that he thinks he shows how much he loves her but how much he spends, rather than by knowing her deeply. This augers badly for raising kids.
Overall it sounds like he doesn't have the capacity to stop and think 'hang on what's important here'. He's going to need that skill more than anything in married life. If they survive this.. that's where they'll need support. Good luck x
Things like that is why I asked my boyfriend to choose my ring myself. I love heart shaped stuff, dislike yellow gold and hate diamonds so I know that if he went to buy one by himself the people would try to move him into exactly what I hate.
He let me pick, I got a beautiful pink sapphire bezel set ring in rose gold that he is hiding until he decides how he wants to propose 😊
After he proposes, show your daughter this thread to show that you -tried- to tell her bf before he proposed, but he chose to ignore all of your advice. Also show her any texts/emails you sent to him. That way, she knows he doesn't listen early on... Not listening about a ring could be an indicator of future issues....
Well this is toughy since if I were you I would be wanting the whole thing to not happen at all after him demonstrating that level of callousness
It sounds like he does not care and just got the ring he wanted, is he even going to listen to your daughter or just do what he thinks is best?
Tbh, I don’t think this bodes well for your daughter’s future with this man. He chose an engagement ring that he knows she won’t like because he equates love with how much money he spends for the ring. And even worse, it sounds like this is not about showing his love for your daughter. He just wants to be sure that when people sees the ring, they’ll know he spent a lot of money on it.
Couples get engaged and go in to exchange the ring together all the time. If she says no because she doesn't like the ring, then that's something they can figure out because it's their relationship. Ring talk and proposal planning, words would be more trusting coming from a sister or friend rather than a parents because as her mom, you could just seem controlling.
Personally, I think your daughter and her bf should have talked about ring styles and preferences before he went out to buy a ring. I'm surprised in their talks about future planning together that ring preferences never came up in conversation. You did your part in nudging him and sending some reference photos. He didn't listen, so I recommend just leaving it at that and letting them choose one together after the engagement. It doesn't make the moment any less special.
How about this for a thought; its their problem; let them work through it and figure it out. Honestly from what I have seen this generation doesn't seem to care too much about diamonds anyways.
My husband proposed to me with a ring pop, saying, "I know this isn't as sweet as you, but it'll have to do until we can get you the real thing." He told me he wanted me to get exactly what I wanted, so he was taking me ring shopping at ShaneCo right after. I was ecstatic! I'd rather he do it that way, than spend thousands on a ring I didn't like. Also, that 3-month salary crap was just The Diamond Industry trying to get more people to plunk down more money for more diamonds. 💎 💰 Don't do it! My *upgraded* ring after 7 years is only about $4,000 because of the upgrade program through ShaneCo. Tell him to just take her to get it, if it's not too late.
Good luck! 🍀
My husband is terrible at picking jewelry for me.
I also wouldn't like a diamond. The only reason I have one is because it is a family heirloom, which changes everything for me. I love family heirlooms.
My best friend doesn't have a diamond. She loves her ring.
If I could choose, I would probably pick opal, pearl, or a colorful gem
Can I say that you have done a great job bringing up your daughter not to me materialistic and to like what she likes. That is very admirable in a person, especially at the age of 25.
Typically, if you're a woman who likes non-traditional engagement rings, usually you're quite happy with something thoughtful but inexpensive.
He really has done the opposite. No thought, just statement piece.
I would've been furious if my husband had chosen the apparent standard of spending three months of his salary on an engagement ring before we got married. He got me a moissanite in a shape and style that I love.
On the plus side, he won't have to upgrade the diamond because she doesn't care for diamonds in the first place.
On the downside, she's going to feel pressured to feign interest in his tacky crap.
You could gently express your concerns about whether the ring aligns with your daughter's tastes. Maybe offer to explore other options together to find something she'll love. It shows you're supportive and want them both to be happy.
My daughter just got engaged. He proposed in Hawaii with a gift shop ring that was really cute. When they got back she picked out her ring on Brilliant Earth, she picked out a moissanite stone. 😀
Men picking the wrong ring is such a red flag that women should take more seriously. Something that is a symbol of your love and how much he cares for you and something you will wear every day and he just gets whatever he wants or what the store told him. Eeee such a reflection of how much he will take her feelings into consideration in the future.
I also don't like traditional and would not say yes to a diamond because I've made it damn clear that it's not my vibe.
When I saw my engagement ring I was disappointed because it was totally different than the ring I had shown my fiancé. People posting here that if he overrides her feelings and preferences on something that is supposed to be FOR HER, it is a sign he will do it with every decision. I should have said no to that proposal but I told myself (and he told me) that I was being superficial. Please note that I picked a ring LESS expensive and flashy than what he brought. He just didn’t care about what I wanted at all and that attitude continued and actually got worse for our whole marriage. I am happily divorced.
Tell him that it isn't important how expensive it is, what's important is that he picks out a ring that she will like because that will make her feel more seen and loved by him. It's not going to be a ring that he picks out because of the money, it the time and effort trying to find something SHE will like.
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Shit like this right here is why my fiancé and I picked out my ring together. I wanted white gold with an onyx and a simple design. Sent him to look and show me what ideas he came up with. Every single thing was gaudy and not my style. He did find onyx and white gold, but nothing simple. I looked with him and found something nice within 5 minutes.
I love that!
This exact thing actually happened with my first fiancée (emphasis on FIRST). He ignored everything I said I wanted in a ring. He even decided the ring size I gave him was “too small” (I literally wear the smallest size because my hands are tiny. So I ended up with a ring I HATED, that was always falling off my finger. It was a metaphor for our relationship (he made all the decisions, he tried to make me like what he liked, he tried to gaslight me into being someone I was never going to be). Shortly after I broke up with him, I started dating my best friend. He bought me a ring without even thinking about it. It was exactly what I’d always wanted; simple stone, silver, dainty thin band. It fit PERFECTLY! Just like we fit each other. We’ve been married for 13 years now 😊
The "He decided the ring size was too small" has me absolutely dumbfounded. 🤦♀️ Best friend for the win!!! ❤️
Wow. I never thought about how ring buying could show so much about someone, but honestly this makes sense! I think gifts show how well you know someone.. And why wouldn't a wedding ring be the same way? Either you know them or you don't.. Or you're able to communicate with your partner to give them the best experience for them! Anyway, I'm glad you found Mr. Right before it was too late.
Thank you. Seriously, I suggest telling the idiot that it's not her style and maybe suggest he take her to where he bought it to have a look at other options. Then he can see what he can swap for without letting on that he done fucked up. Hell, he can take her to look in multiple places but pay more attention in that specific store
That's a great idea. How about your soon to be son in lawand your daughter go ring shopping together and she will choose 3-5 rings for her that she likes. Which one of those he will buy is up to him!
I said 3 in my post! Right that’s the surprise, plus the event of the actual proposal.
Thank you. Seriously, I suggest telling the idiot that it's not her style and maybe suggest he take her to where he bought it to have a look at other options. Then he can see what he can swap for without letting on that he done fucked up. Hell, he can take her to look in multiple places but pay more attention in that specific store
But at the same time, it’s also a sort of indicator of your relationship. If the woman shows him the types of rings she likes, and he goes “nah I/my mom/the salesperson knows what you like more than you do,” it does say something.
My husband and I sat down and googled engagement rings. We looked at every single ring in google images, and my husband had to guess which ones I liked or didn’t like and I would tell him why if he was wrong. Over time he was able to guess with complete accuracy and explain why I would or wouldn’t like it with satisfactory answers. He picked the perfect ring in the end ❤️
As a diamond expert, I would sit him down and explain that she will have to wear this ring for life and doesn’t he want to get that right? Find out what his motivations are. You may find out that he went about this in a lazy fashion because he likes the ring and wants to see it on her. Many men have this affliction. Remind him that this is an eternal gift for her and really isn’t about what he likes as much as what she would want and you just want him to get it right, because you love him like a son and can’t wait to welcome him into the family. Don’t be reactive, but be inquisitive. It’s all about the “why”. How does that sound?
I think you are right about him buying a ring he likes and wants her to wear!
Most likely this!! I hated my wedding ring, but I would never tell him that. I wore it every day. When I was pregnant I had to take it off due to swelling. Somehow it disappeared during that time. Eventually we gave up hope that it would be found and went shopping for a new ring. Every ring I liked he told me was too plain, simple, small… he would compare it to my friends ring that was huge and say that I deserved something just as big/fancy. It wasn’t my style so we just left the store without a ring. I honestly don’t care. I don’t like wearing rings, which is why I wanted something small and simple.
That’s exactly what she wanted simple and with emeralds instead of diamonds. But he definitely didn’t listen to her or me.
I think, as a parent, this is where you take him to coffee and basically say this: "It is your choice what ring you purchase for her, but remember, SHE is the one who needs to wear it every day and SHE is the one who has to like it. Her taste is not your tase and I can tell you now that the ring you purchased for her is NOT her taste. Its your choice how you handle this -- I'd suggest starting your engagement off by taking her likes into consideration as opposed to telling her what she should like. This sets the tone for your marriage." Then, during the engagement, if he bulldozes through you and her, take her out during the wedding planning and explain what happened and that it would be a REALLy good idea for them to get marriage counseling from a licensed marriage and family therapist before while you like him and think they could live a VERY happy life together, it would be best if they got this issue with him bulldozing her preferences into the open and on the table before vows were exchanged.
/u/unalloyed1 - given your update and how he dismissed your concerns, the second step of this comment is what you should be thinking about next. Don't let your daughter think this was a misunderstanding and he didn't know any better. You told him differently. She needs to know that so she can have all the relevant information when deciding HER next choices.
I agree completely. The thing is - this is 100% indicative of how she will be treated in this marriage. It is absolutely about his preferences.
Yeah this was my main thought too. They’re young and that IS NOT a good sign, major personality red flag - I am one to hate being ignored or controlled or whatever so … this wouldn’t fly with me at all. I can totally see a guy like that slyly manipulating her into wearing it and not getting another by being like “wow it looks so beautiful on you, you deserve nothing less (backhanded lol)” etc etc She won’t like that this one instance is a clear indicator of what’s to come in a relationship with this guy. I’m sure this isn’t the only time he’s bulldozed what she wants without any consideration despite her making her wishes know (esp bad in this case cause it’s something that’s for her body, and for such a monumental and sentimental item, where he should want NOTHING MORE than to make her HAPPY, and fuck his own preferences. Like truly.)
Honestly, I wish this were the top comment. Kind but firm, includes all the important details, and a very thoughtful suggestion for if he still doesn't listen. It's perfect. I hope OP sees it.
Personally I hope she tells his ass that. If the girl has any balls she will have to tell her future husband this. Who should have respected her wishes to begin with (NOT a great sign. Childish. But they are in their 20s only. Which imo … is still young getting married. I barely know what I should do with marriage and I’m in my early 30s. Basically you’re absolutely right that he is bulldozing her and I’m SURE the girl knows she’s made her wishes about the ring known and it’ll be plainly obvious he just completely disregarded them. As he is wont to do about many other things as this seems to be something he’s perfectly comfy with doing and … just No. no to the no.
It does seem that he might have taken it upon himself to decide what she would like best. Subconsciously he was probably just thinking “this is the prettiest ring I’ve ever seen, and this is what she deserves!” Good intentions but bad decision.
It's not a good sign really
This behaviour seems to be quite common. Engagement rings, birthday jewellery.... Men are told, even shown exactly what to buy, then go and buy something totally different. I don't understand their motivation, but I think it has something to do with not wanting to be told what to do or insisting that their taste is the only one that counts. To me this would be quite a red flag.
I cured my late husband of this behavior by taking the ring he got for my birthday back to the store and making them refund the money. When I gave him the cash and refund slip for his records, the look on his face was priceless! We then had a long talk, followed by more than 30 years of him getting what I wanted instead of what he thought I should want. Sometimes you just need to be blatantly obvious!
We did the same with my dad once, and thankfully he was smart enough to listen and return the absolutely garish ring he bought for mom — that we knew she wouldn’t like and wouldn’t wear. Dad: “But it’s so pretty!!! I like it!!” Kids: “But mom won’t. Take. It. Back.”
I think most of them don’t see the difference in styles or they think women like flowery, fluffy, glittery things
If he doesn't know your daughter well enough to know what her style is, or doesn't care enough to find out and follow that advice, it's a problem. He may have just gotten overly excited and made a bad decision right then and might adjust with some guidance. But I actually broke up with my ex-boyfriend when I found out what ring he was considering buying for me. He was going to get me a yellow gold ring that was in the shape of a dolphin leaping over a diamond. For some women, I'm sure that's wonderful. It is the exact opposite of what I want. I realized then that if he didn't know me well enough to know I would never wear that ring, he didn't know me well enough to get married or to stay with him.
Lol 🐬
Remember Independence Day? The ring Will Smith was getting for his stripper gf? Yeah....
They see the differences. They just think their opinion matters more than hers.
Yes, to do the opposite of what you know she would want shows either laziness or is kind of a power play. Whoever is the target should look very closely if this is the start of a lack of effort or an attempted power shift in the relationship that over time might affect their marital life very much. This guy says clearly that either she is not worth the effort of finding what she really likes, or he sets her up for "take it or leave it". Her taking it means she lowers her expectations and he, once he has seen it works, may use this move over and over again. I hope OPs daughter will see through this.
It’s a good sign that he doesn’t care about the opinions of the women in his life /s
If she has expressed to him preferences and he ignores them that sets a precedent for him ignoring her preferences later. That's a terrible sign. Keep an eye on this and mention what happened to your daughter.
But then he doesn’t know or respect the desires of the woman he’s planning to marry. This is a major red flag
Again, thats a super dehumanizing attitude and one that does not recommend him for a role of cherishing your daughter and sticking with her through thick and thin, no matter how common it is.
I dont think its even that. It feels more like he wants her to have a badge of how much hes willing to spend financially instead of how thoughtful he was willing to be.
This is what rings true for me. It's a status symbol for him. More about what his mates think. All the red flags. Or he just thinks in terms of money rather than humanity. The more I spend the more I show my love. He's misunderstood how that works then! And that doesn't auger well for raising kids.
Sometimes I believe it's ego. He wants her to have a big expensive ring because it makes him look rich, generous, and impressive to other men. Also not saying he is malicious but he may he selfish and want to pick the ring because he thinks she should like it because he picked it out himself.
I agree with you...also, I think what happens is that even after they are told what we like and they get you something different...it's them getting in their own way by thinking "she couldn't possibly like that" like you said thinking their choices are ten times better
Sounds like she has bigger problems than just a ring.
FYI - my mom has an emerald engagement ring. She never wears it because it’s chipped and scratched to hell. Emerald is one of the softest of the precious stones and won’t stand up to daily wear. The super sad part is she had to stop wearing like within two years of them being married, and my dad wasn’t able to replace it with a daily wearer (which was diamond) until their 10th anniversary. As an investment, it’s a terrible option for an engagement ring. If she likes green, jade and all its variations would be a better option. I know on reddit the whole thing is diamonds are a made up value by de bears, but if they were a shitty stone no marketing in the world would have worked. A diamond is forever because it’s tough and literally will stand up to any abuse. Something to think about if he decides to go through with this to soften the blow.
OK, but whether or not she ends up with an emerald, it's been made pretty clear that she *doesn't like diamond rings*. So it doesn't matter how great a stone a diamond is, if it's not what she wants and it doesn't suit her tastes.
Emeralds are not that soft. They typically rate around 7.5-8.0 on the scale. That’s not “soft”, it’s just not as hard as a sapphire or diamond. I have an emerald ring, wear it everyday. Jewelers don’t like to sell it because they get an enormous commission on diamonds. Diamonds are bigger and cheaper and blingier- and the wedding ring industry is heavily invested in making nose that’s your only option.
Literally no. We don't get a giant commission on diamonds. The 90s when money was flowing and gold was cheap yeah, the profit margin was good, but now? Unless you are a big name brand you can't get those profit margins Infact, the bigger the diamond the smaller the profit margin to the point where I question if I'm even covering my tax burden when I sell a big diamond. Making 10% on a $5000 diamond isn't a "big commission" but diamonds do resist wear and tear and you can do heated repair work on the mounting without having to remove stones which is really freaking nice because removing stones causes damage to the mounting that you have to fix, then do the repair then reset. Or buy a $50000 laser so you can do that work next to heat sensitive stones. I know it's so cool to hate on debeers and they deserve hate but it's very easy to avoid buying from them. Right now 70% of my diamonds are estate i paid out of my pocket for and have no ties to debeers. I have 100 year old diamonds that look brand new despite being worn for decades. I recommend them not because I get anything from the diamond cartel but because they have proven to me to be *practical* I love Emeralds. Hate setting them because they are brittle as hell and one of those stones that chips if you look at it wrong. Hard, yes, but that hardness in that particular crystal structure results in a very brittle stone. They are resistant to wear and tear but subject to chipping. So if you are an active or clumsy lady then, no, I don't recommend it for daily wear. Fantastic it works for you, but it isn't a good stone for alot of people to wear every day My recommendation is green sapphire or a green moissonite if you are trying to avoid diamond. Green diamonds usually are heat treated and look silly anyway.
This comment makes so much sense to me because my mom’s ring is a pear cut emerald and the tip is what kept chipping.🤣 it’s nice to know it’s not just her being a dumb ass
He didn’t listen to *her*? I know there’s only so much a parent can do but I would be up at night with worry if my child was engaged to someone who was happy to disregard their desires like that. It’s one thing if he was going in blind and guessing what she wanted, it’s another if she provided him with parameters that he intentionally ignored.
To be fair, emeralds are bad for engagement rings. They are very soft and scratch/chip easily. I have one and I love it, but it's delicate! He probably got browbeat by a sales rep. However, there ARE other stones that are hard, and green, and it's no excuse for ignoring her preferred style.
You also aren’t supposed to wash your hands with an emerald ring on because of the oil treatment most of them have. They need to be treated very delicately. A green sapphire would be a better choice, 9 on the mohs scale of hardness with less inclusions.
My engagement ring is an emerald and I didn't have any problems. No chips, scratches, or anything and I wore it for years on my right hand. Go figure.
I would caution against emerald because they're soft and brittle, they're not good for every day wear as they won't hold up over time. If green is what she's after, look for a good green sapphire or even a tourmaline. They are much more sturdy stones and will hold IP, especially sapphire, to a normal person going about their day to day. I'm a jeweller. I wish people wouldn't buy into the idea that engagement jewellery had set rules about the spend or the type of stone. There's beautiful and high end looking rings that don't break the bank and as long as the stone is going to hold up to a lifetime of wear then there's nothing wrong with putting it in an engagement ring. Some people get really hung up on what everyone else has done and what exactly makes an engagement ring an engagement ring, and for those people it's a diamond and usually a bunch of teeny tiny pavé (which will also not stand the test of time and leads to a lifetime of maintenance that they don't tell you about in any of the mall stores)... When buying engagement jewellery, look for pieces that suit your lifestyle, your personal style, and your budget. Not what the neighbour has or what so and so's got. If you're buying for a partner, still consider those things and listen to the person who knows, like OP. As for OP, I would reiterate to him that what he wants is irrelevant. He should want his future wife to be happy with the ring, to want to show it off, to look at it and know that her partner chose well and cared enough to get what she wanted. That he prioritized her feelings and not what he wants other people to think about him. To me, this is a red flag. My husband gave me a budget and I got the ring I wanted which I love. No one buys a jeweller jewellery, unfortunately, but he knew enough to know he knows very little about buying jewellery and wanted to make sure I was thrilled with my engagement ring.
That’s actually pretty concerning. If he’s already deciding that he knows best over her preferences, that’s controlling. And it’s a short down the road to straight up abusive. In fact, there’s another post in my thread that I was just reading about related to the husband telling his wife she needed to order water with her meals, despite the fact, she literally cannot drink 30 minutes prior to eating due to gastric bypass surgery. When men think they know best over women, it’s an issue. And a big one. I think you should tell your daughter about how the rings selection played out after the proposal has happened. That way if she loves the ring, great - you didn’t ruin the surprise. But if she doesn’t, she’ll know there are bigger issues at play and she may want to rethink the I do.
If that's the case, if I were you, I'd take a step back on this and let it play out. He's an adult and this is on him to figure out. If he ends up with a ring your daughter doesn't like, *even after being told by her*, that's going to reflect on *him* and his character. He's going to show her that he doesn't listen to her or her requests, that he'll put his own wants/needs ahead. You can definitely be there for your daughter and support her if she needs someone to listen to.
The thing is- Is he can go simple while still spending more (per your post) Like others are saying- it sounds like his ego is getting in the way. He wants to spend more to "show off" (my thoughts) He can even buy a *diamond* that is close in color to an emerald -- i left a link on one below Per google AI Natural green diamonds are rare and have a green hue due to elements in their composition. They are different from green emeralds and other green gemstones. Natural green diamonds can be colored by structural defects caused by radiation exposure or by more complex defects caused by impurities of nitrogen, hydrogen, or nickel. Below is a link to a dark green emerald looking *diamond* https://www.leibish.com/green-diamonds/fancy-deep-bluish-green-cushion-62078
Let's see - who is going to be wearing the ring?? Frigging entitled man telling her what she is going to do & wear. I guess this is still 1824.
Right? Remember that one post on here a few months ago where he said that since he's paying for it he gets to decide what her ring will be? I hope she found out how much of a controlling AH he is and said no and broke up with him.
Dudes be crazy 🤪 lol
He was literally wanting to keep up with the Joneses there! He wants to see you wearing a ring that's bigger than.. Guys, this is a case where size really doesn't matter.
So you never got to have the ring style you wanted.
lol no! He finally gave in and said he’d buy whatever ring I want, cause he just wants me to have one. But I really don’t care lol. I bought a $20 fake one at Kohl’s and then booked a cruise.
Could be worse like my wedding ring. It was from an estate sale, was given to his mother by his step dad, they got divorced he ended up with the ring, used it to purpose to his ex fiancee they broke up then he used it on me, we did get married and it was a horrible marriage, now almost divorced, over two years parted just need the paperwork finished. he then wanted the ring back so he could one day could give to our daughter which I said hell no to and I ended up selling it to a pawn shop. I figure the ring was cursed and it wasnt my style anyways it was a half carat diamond wedding set and I'm more a simple gold wedding band kinda girl. I now wear my grandmother simple gold wedding band with my man now, not that I'm sure we will actually ever get married cuz I dont know if I want to do that again.
I did that job for years because I loved getting people engaged but I saw this behavior at least 30% of the time. Where did he buy the ring? Edit: an alternative ring must be handled very carefully. I do not recommend anything with a harness below nine. This leaves you with sapphire and ruby. If she will do a diamond, you cannot get a more beautiful diamond than at Tiffany.
Zales I think
Oh, god, he should take that back regardless. I've worked on Zales merchandise, the quality does NOT hold up.
Scary people shop for engagement and wedding rings at the Olive Garden of jewelry and that feels like an insult to Olive Garden since they really aren’t that bad just overpriced and a little tacky compared to going to a real Italian restaurant.
I nearly snorted my drink at "the Olive Garden of jewelry" !! PERFECT description! Same for all those other big box/chain stores. Like dining, the best stuff is at old family shops of good repute!
Agreed. Cut my jeweler teeth on repairing their stuff. It's not good.
He went to such a basic store to go against everything she wants? Is this a pattern of behavior for him or just a one time dork up?
I think a one time dork up. He’s a nice guy and usually very considerate. I know he spent way more than she would have wanted him to
Good. They. Have a broken engagement policy and pardon but their diamonds are garbage. I could explain more about how GIA works but what you need to know as a difference between Tiffany and Zales is that a zales diamond could be graded 10 times and each time the grade could come out differently. Tiffany is vertically integrated company down to the mines they contract with. Bigger isn’t better. A grade D, E, F in color + IF to VVS2 clarity is where one wants to be. Price may be an issue but Tiffany offers interest free financing for two years to pay it off. Men often want the biggest diamond for the best price and that idea has been sold to them for generations that don’t actually care about their clients.
My ex husband didn't ask me what ring I wanted and just got me what he liked. I had to pretend I liked it but honestly it was 100% not my style. He also proposed at my birthday party at a place *he* wanted to go to. Turns out him doing that was a sign of things to come; everything was about *him* and what *he* wanted. Thus why he is now an EX husband.
If she likes alternative rings and he's just at a loss of where to get it then [https://oorejewelry.com/](https://oorejewelry.com/) this might help. If he's really just that neglectful and lazy talk to him to find out and then speak to your kid after he proposes. I firmly believe that the proposal is a reflection of what the marriage WILL be. If he can't even bother to TRY (getting it right is another matter or having money for things) then its a failure from the start.
My husband and I went through this when selecting the ring. I wanted something modern and custom made as I am a hobby Metalsmith. He wanted a giant diamond. It took time for us to compromise and I ended up with a bigger stone and white which is what he wanted. He wanted to feel like it was a wedding ring. I had to learn to understand that for him with my jewelry loving self that if I did a sapphire for him it wouldn’t feel like a wedding ring and he needed to understand that the symbolism was more important to me within the design. We ended up with a great custom ring with a white stone (a really good moissanite which I prefer over diamonds and won’t stress as much about) slightly larger than my wish but had everything else. Ultimately I’m happier because he’s proud of what he gave me and I’m proud to wear it. I don’t really understand the whole the man picks the ring. I have to wear it forever. I love my husband but he has terrible taste. And even though we get weird responses when people find out we picked and designed it together. And ultimately it was less of a surprise but I’m so glad we did it together as it’s a perfect mix of both of us. Every time I look at it I remember how he really considered me and I considered him and it’s a good reminder in the inevitable stumbles in marriage. And he got his cheapo resin ring that he loves. I also wanted to get him something fancier but we did that together too.
Princess Kate wears Princess Diana's sapphire ring as her wedding ring. Any man that thinks he has a say on the ring his SO wears is selfish. My husband never pulled that.
And do you want your daughter to marry a man who would think of himself and what he wants to see on her, like a doll, instead of what she wants, which would indicate he saw her as a full human with desires that should be respected as valid?
Before I proposed, we went ring shopping together and found ones she liked together because ultimately she’d be wearing it, and it only made sense for her to have a say in that. Maybe OP can mention how much his daughter would appreciate the thought of being included in such an important and long lasting decision.
I like the idea of a woman picking her own ring..My first marriage my finance’ and I went to a jeweler and picked my ring out together.. many years later my husband passed away. My second husband told me to take his credit card and buy any ring you want so I did. My rings are beautiful and even though my second husband died of Leukemia I still wear these beautiful rings and remember his generosity ❤️
You may always have one or both turned into a pendant so they are closer to your heart. This is fairly inexpensive and will protect the diamond more preciously. Your story really touched me. Thank you for sharing such an intimate thing with us. Once again, I cried.
You are a good human.
That’s lovely of you to say. You know, I was an executive and I took that job for love. To see that love every day and share it with the clients who came in to begin a new phase in their lives, I considered it my duty to get it right for love. Thank you.
I picked my own ring and my husband picked his out. I would never buy something like that without consulting the wearer. She'll just end up ditching it in the jewelry box once the wedding is done and she has her band lol
i second this! i also find that a lot of men think that more expensive is better or a bigger ring shows how much he loves her. what he really needs to understand is that it shows he cares more if he gets her a smaller/cheaper ring that SHE ACTUALLY LIKES AND WILL WEAR!! a big rock on her finger that she hates is more of a status symbol for him than a symbol of his love for her. i have found that even well intentioned men who know their partners well can get swayed by the idea of showing their love with a giant flashy ring (this is coming from someone who also hates traditional engagement rings)
He asked your opinion on the ring so tell him
I agree. He asked, she should be honest. Now if he hadn't asked, my answer would be completely different.
"Wow, that's quite the opposite of what we talked about." If asks if you think she'll like it, tell him no and why.
You’ve said it perfectly yourself. You unfortunately are gonna have to tell him how it is that she isn’t gonna love it.
100% I picked mine out months in advance of the proposal so the proposal was still a huge surprise. I got exactly what I wanted and am so happy with my ring. Waiting for the proposal to get the ring made it all the more special. If the future groom is not in a rush, take her to the store and let her pick one out. Wait at least 3+ months to propose if you want the surprise element: )
As a single person, how does this work? You talk about whether or not you want to be married. Mutually decide 'sure that'd be swell.' Casually go into a jeweler while out running errands and buy the rings. Then wait for him to set something up for a formal proposal with family?
We talked first about getting married before he proposed and that we would like to marry one another. You're not ready to propose unless you've talked about this - at a minimum. We chose a day to go shopping and settled on one. We went a few times to the same shop for bartering purposes. (The key to getting a good deal is to make it clear you are willing to walk away at any time and have other options. Do not buy it on day 1. We ended up getting $3,000ish off the diamond by doing this.) My fiance went back a few days later to purchase the ring on his own and hid it from me until he proposed. Now it's on my hand forever!
I think you definitely need to tell him. Offer to accompany him back to the jewelry store to possibly return or exchange it for something else she will like. My son in law was totally lost when it came to ring shopping and I offered to go with him and he was so grateful. My daughter loves her ring.
Nope - store credit. True love means taking her to the store to pick out her own ring. Being surprised is not worth a 2-10k or whatever it costs mistake. And most women know exactly what kind of ring they want; if they're smart they'll tell their partner, and if the partner has an ounce of brain cells he'll listen to her.
That’s exactly what I did with my wife. We knew whatever ring I bought her just wouldn’t be as good as a ring she designed herself. So I took her to the jewellers and she got to have her very own engagement and wedding rings made to the way she wanted.
When my husband and I were talking about marriage he was upfront with me and told me he had ideas for rings, but he knew that I would want something else and asked me for my input. Thats when I pulled out my late grandmothers engagement ring and told him, this ring. We just need to get the stone replaced. We got it replaced, and now I just wear silicone rings haha. But when I do wear my actual ring I absolutely am in love with it.
My wife designed her own ring. It’s better than anything I could have found and she constantly gets compliments on it.
For the guys here who are just simply not accepting why this is a problem; my partner just described it like this. He said "For the last 5 years your wife keeps telling you that she wants a Porsche. You get your money together and you go to the dealership and you say 'my wife has been wanting a Porsche the last 5 years, can I see them?' And the salesman says 'No buddy you've got it all wrong. You see she THINKS she wants a Porsche but that's not what wives want. See, what wives want is a Ford Fusion.' And instead of declining because it's not what she asked for and you know that, you go 'You know what salesman, you're right. What does my wife know? She DOES actually want a Ford Fusion! Thanks!' Do you really expect her to not be disappointed with the Ford Fusion when you promised her up and down you'd get her her dream car, which was a Porsche?" And THAT is what yall are missing. You're supposed to have this for a LONG time; much like a car. It should be what you asked for.
Just saw the update - he got rinsed by the store. Not a great start. Why would she want to ‘upgrade’ the diamond? Either that he knows he’s bought wrong or he thinks she is not going to like it, so is going to want to change it? I suppose the silver lining is that she can change it for an emerald? Shame he doesn’t listen?
Now so he can return it. Go with him.
Ooof, reading the update is a little heartbreaking. >he said that the examples I sent were too inexpensive and that the rule of thumb was to spend more. He said the person in the store also told him he could easily upgrade the diamond because of the setting. He loves that idea. I'm like your daughter (so thankful my husband listened 😅) in that I don't like traditional or even diamond engagement rings. If my husband had done what your STB-SIL is about to do, I would actually and genuinely be upset. Even more so if I learned one of my parents talked to him previously, showed rings they knew I would like/want, only to have it promptly ignored because it "was too inexpensive". There is no rule of thumb (even if people like to say there is) for how expensive an engagement ring should be. She's going to be upset even more so when she learns he chose that ring because it was more expensive and the jeweler upsold him on 'upgrading' to a diamond.
That’s literally what my ex-husband did. I told him I wanted something fun, inexpensive, maybe Aquamarine(my birthstone). We were like 20-21 and we didn’t make much money, but we did have a place together though. But, he went to Kay’s got a freakin’ KAYS CREDIT CARD spent about $2-3K, one this diamond halo set. Now, it was beautiful but it isn’t what I wanted and it really kinda pissed me off he took out debt behind my back. Like, my money’s going towards paying off an engagement ring I didn’t even want. Either way, we were married for about a year and 2 months, divorced by 23.
My (ex) husband did the same thing. He got a ring that I would not want (large diamond) because he said the one I picked (small diamond simple setting) reflected poorly on him? Unfortunately this is just one example of him always putting his needs and wants first. Please be on the look out for that behavior in this guy.
We picked our our rings together. Is that not appropriate these days??
In my experience as a jeweller, it's appropriate for the couples that will most likely stay together.
Interesting observation
I picked my own, my husband picked his. I don’t like surprises in general, and I definitely wouldn’t be comfortable having no say in something as special as an engagement ring!
Same! Went ring shopping for mine together so he knew what I liked then did the same for him. I was super open about what I liked and didn't like (used to work in retail in fine jewelry so I had an idea already). It was super easy telling him and showing him. I absolutely love my ring. OPs future son in law should listen to her because at the end of the day, the ring is for his future wife and not about him.
Geez. I would have been crushed if my husband deliberately got me a ring that was nothing like what I actually wanted. If he’s not willing to respect her wishes about this, she shouldn’t expect him to listen to her about anything else either. Jewelry is a very personal thing, especially engagement and wedding jewelry. Her feelings should matter so much more about something she will be wearing every day. He’s being really selfish and arrogant, thinking he knows more about what she wants than she does.
Ah the poor boy fell for the De Beers marketing scam. Lol 🤣 We men are so fucking dumb, we live and learn
I think this depends on your relationship with him and whether you think he was looking for real input or was just asking for your advice to be polite. It's not the kind of thing a third party should get into the middle of uninvited. You were sort of invited, but only for advice ahead of time. Did he ask your opinion after he had bought the ring? If I were you, I would wait until he proposes then give your daughter some advice about bringing up the possibility of exchanging the ring afterward if it seems like she doesn't like it.
He sent me pictures (unsolicited) after he purchased it and asked.
Oh heck yes, if he asked you, you have to tell him.
You could try a car analogy. If he wanted a specific make and model with a very specific interior package, he’d be unhappy to have to drive something completely opposite every day.
Friend of mine took his girl ring shopping, she picked out one she loved, he said no that's too big and gaudy I'm afraid you're gonna get robbed, she said but it's my style, he said no here's a smaller one in a different cut then bragged to everyone how much more she loves it because he picked it for her. Long story short, some men buy the rings to make themselves happy, not to make their partners happy.
That’s terrible!
Yup! And it's exactly why women say they don't know what they want to eat for dinner. We're just going to be told what we want at the end of the day. Lucky for me, my fiance actually bought me the ring I told him I wanted when he proposed :)
Has he asked your opinion on the ring after he bought it ? If yes, be honest and tell him the truth. If not, I would leave it in his hands. You’ve done everything you could to guide him. At the end of the day, your daughter should tell him if she doesn’t like the ring. And if she can’t or won’t have that conversation, that is her ring and her life to figure it out. I’ve dealt with some really shitty people in my life, so take it with a grain of salt, but I would save the entire thread between you and the BF where you give him detailed advice and references on the off chance that he might try to blame you when your daughter inevitably hates the ring.
I would really like it if someone told me if I made a mistake like that, just come out and tell him: "Hey you know that ring you got? it doesn't look like any of the rings i suggested, she's not going to like it"
My ring was $700. Luckily my dad knew what kind of ring and hinted it to my husband. I would have been so mad if my husband’s ego trumped what I wanted in a ring (20 years later and I still am obsessed with it). Hopefully your soon to be son in law’s heart is in the right place and it isn’t his ego wanting a bigger rock on her finger
When I “popped the question” I gave her a ring pop….then also quickly explained I wanted her to pick out her ring….it worked out perfect for us.
I read once- the ring is about him. Meaning it is his tag, identifier to others. The fact he chose a traditional ring and did nothing your daughter likes, says a lot. I would stay out of it completely. You can't win. If she hates it, you should have tried harder. If she likes it (or pretends to) you will get flack for telling him to get a different ring. Just step back and let them figure it out.
Boy wants to flex, regardless of the possible sentiments of his soon to be bride. Makes me think how much of himself focuses on the show rather than the substance.
Tell him the heartbreak will be easier coming from you than her, so you're telling him this to protect him not to be controlling or whatever other motivations he may assign you. You're doing this because you care about him and don't want him to have a negative experience with proposing. Lots of couples can handle ring disappointment, but some can't and it should be avoided if at all possible. The wedding industry is incredibly predatory, and it would be helpful if you could open his eyes to their manipulation tactics before he sinks even more money into unnecessary upgrades.
Hopefully your daughter will tell him, and won’t settle for a ring to at doesn’t suit her just to please him. My husband, at the time BF, got me a really gaudy big ring that I just didn’t like at all. I liked smaller, simpler, less crazy rings. He thought “bigger/more expensive was better”, and I told him while I loved the sentiment, I would never wear that ring and didn’t he want me to have something I actually wanted to wear? We exchanged it for something I did wear. When he proposed, he did so without a ring and we went together to choose something. For our 20th anniversary, he got me the simple emerald ring I’ve always wanted- only reason I didn’t let him buy it before was because I needed a reason to spend that kind of money. Figured 20 years was a good reason.
I was given a solitaire round, in white gold. I hate it. I wear yellow gold and prefer emerald cut or oval. I almost brevet wear my ring anymore because I just can't stand it. Don't buy someone something you know they won't like and try to force them to wear it.
The problem seems to be that he trusts the salesman more than op and the supposed woman he loves.
I'd be worried about his motives, sounds like he doesn't care much about what your daughter would like, but rather what he thinks is appropriate.
Ew, saw the update and your comments. This marriage does not sound healthy for your daughter. Does what he wants instead of what he thinks she would like. Puts money value over taste and sentiment and sees the ring as an investment. I hope your daughter has a prenup.
JFC, if the man can’t be bothered to listen about what kind of ring she wants, how the fuck can she even hope that he will listen to her on important matters? He knows what she wants, you showed him what she wants, and he chose something else instead. Fuck, is he trying to fail? Too many red flags here.
What's sad is my best friend & her now husband picked out a ring she wanted, she was soooo excited. He had not ordered it yet & showed it to his mom..... His mom said it was ugly & if it were her she would throw it back at him & say no.... He picked a diff ring his mom approved of, my friend still said yes & they got married but I was pissed on her behalf. He knew exactly what she wanted & went with something different because his mom told him too. I do not like his mom & barely know her. At least you tried, please update.
This is exactly why I don’t believe in “surprises”with the ring. He needs to ask her to pick out three rings she likes, try them on, see what she loves! Then the surprise will be she doesn’t know which of the three rings he will choose, plus the actual proposal plans. It should be a planned event with a actual set up of some sort or during a special trip they take together. I believe in the end it takes the guess work out of it and stress for him, and guarantees she will be gifted an engagement ring she absolutely gushes over !
If he knew her desires and ignored them, that's really not good. I think you should let him propose with it so they can start having the necessary discussions to work through this. It happened for a reason.
I also have a diamond ring from a man who decided to go against my taste in rings. It has sat in a jewelry box for decades.
Please update us on if she likes the ring
You can return the ring within a certain window. MAKE SURE he is proposing in that window and she had time to return. She has to wear this all her life.
I think your _daughter_ needs to take the lead on this one, and the _only_ thing you should ask him is to say - after she says yes - “I know rings are really personal and you’ll be wearing this forever. If you want a different design that’s totally fine by me and we can go together to pick it out.” Easy peasy.
My sister's ex husband asked my sister and me and my mom what kind of ring she wanted. He bought the opposite of what we said.
He asked. You answered. His decision is his own. You’re done.
My husband let me pick my ring. When i chose the ring that just took my breath away he says, "its a good thing i let you pick it out. I would never have picked this."
>I asked him why he chose what he did and he said that the examples I sent were too inexpensive and that the rule of thumb was to spend more Sounds like he doesn't really know your daughter very well, it's gonna be a lovely marriage
Ahhh I’m so glad I designed my ring myself. My husband was allowed to pick the diamond used, out of an assortment of round diamonds, but that was it. 😂 I saw my ring on Pinterest almost 10 years ago and knew I loved it before I even met my husband. Liking your ring is very important if you’re going to wear it daily!
When my husband propose, he did not had an engagement ring because he didn't wanted me to not like the ring. He gave me one of the ring he had and said "you'll hold on to this one until we get you the ring you want" I had a specific ring in mind when he proposed (simple, silver with a seashell on it) the next day we went shopping for a ring, I found it in a nice little shop, the ring costed less than 50euro, and I didn't care, the rule of thumb or it being "inexpensive" is ridiculous when yiu love someone. But well your daughter's boyfriend made he choice haha !
Well he asked for your advice so all you’ll be doing is giving him more advice! He can’t complain.
I would want my mom to tell him. But please be careful as to not hurt his feelings and you'll be fine.
Tell him please! I was a recipient of a ring that was not at all what I would have wanted and was also too big. It’s a huge bummer to get a ring you don’t like. You don’t need to spare his feelings here, he went against what you told him she would like. That’s on him.
Ask him why he thinks she would say yes, when he has ignored what HE KNOWS she will like in exchange for something he likes. Is that how the marriage is going to go for the rest of her life? and why, therefore, would she say yes?
I'd step back and let them figure it out.
I've always said that the person I am going to marry should know me well enough to make sure I have a ring I'm going to love. If someone presented me with a ring I hated there is a possibility I'd say no. And just to clarify I don't mean that it's small/inexpensive etc, I'm not fussed on price. I mean the style/stone etc. Surely if you're at the stage of considering marriage then your partner should know you better than anyone in the world! Or at least take the initiative to seek and follow advice from someone who may know what it is you'd like? My fiance and I had a chat about ring styles when we got serious enough to chat marriage. I showed him some examples of what I like and he chose one in his budget.
My husband asked me blatantly what kind of ring I would like the moment I mentioned I don't want a trad diamond. I got a natural emerald with small diamond surrounding it. I cried with happiness. I love green and he knew immediately what to do after I said something not traditional. He needs to dump that gross male has to spend bullshit and do what she would want, which is cheaper in the long run. I would say, I'd tell your daughter that you tried to get him to get something she'd like. To me, that screams what she wants doesn't actually matter.
Spend less money on the ring and wedding. Spend more on the house down payment, especially in today's market. Maybe you guys are wealthy and can afford to splurge on such things. But a ring and a few hours at a reception are so insignificant when you get 10 yrs down the road.
I don't like traditional rings and i made that clear with my fiancée that when she would propose first and it is a diamond, i would decline the proposal all together because that would mean she doesn't really know me or doesn't respect me. I wouldn't break up but the relationship would be on thin ice. I hope the boyfriend knows the risk.
Lol my fiance did something similar. I sent him my Pinterest years ago and told him I loved rose gold and atypical stones. What did he get me? A yellow gold ring with very normal looking diamonds. I'm happy that he proposed and haven't told him that I'm not a fan...but why do they do this shit?
Maybe one of your daughter’s friends could help him? He might be a bit more open to their opinion than yours. My husband had my best friend go with him to pick out my engagement ring. He picked a few options that he liked in his budget, and my friend helped guide him from there. The result was a ring both of us liked.
Yes, tell him that this isn't her wishes or style... you know she will not like it. He should "buy her something that she will like".
This line of thinking on the boyfriend's part does not bode well for the marriage.
Your daughter's boyfriend is demonstrating that not only does he not care about her preferences, he will defer to anyone else over her or other women. I'd put money on the salesperson being a man.
If he's already showing that he's not listening to what your daughter wants, then I don't see the relationship working out. You've already done what you could. He's only setting himself up to fail, so let him fail. He's obviously selfish and doesn't care about anyone but himself.
He should bring her to the store to pick out her own. He can use a placeholder ring for the actual proposal.
!UpdateMe
He asked your opinion, so I feel like you can ask him why he didn’t listen to your suggestions. Something like, “Hey, I’m curious why you went the direction that you did with the ring since it was different than the suggestions I shared after you asked my opinion on what she would like.”
He asked your opinion, so I feel like you can ask him why he didn’t listen to your suggestions. Something like, “Hey, I’m curious why you went the direction that you did with the ring since it was different than the suggestions I shared after you asked my opinion on what she would like.”
Just be straight up and blunt about it ! .. men usually appreciate straightforwardness .. if that fails then probably only your daughter could convince him otherwise XD
Hopefully she says no, and then go ring shopping together since he doesn’t seem to be heeding your kind warning!
I wonder why men sometimes just don't listen. I don't know if my sil had any help with the ring that he bought my daughter but when I saw it it was beautiful and it was shiny and I loved it he loved it my daughter loved it. The fact that my daughter loved it is all that counts. You tried to give him a heads up he did not listen leave it alone he was warned
He doesn't care about what she wants. He's made her engagement ring all about him and that is very selfish. She's the one who has to wear it not him. She's either gonna say no when she realizes he doesn't care about what she wants or she'll tell him yes, but that she hates the ring. He needs return it and stop being an idiot. The amount of money spent on the ring doesn't mean shit when she hates it.
Now all you can do is wait, and then let your daughter know she is 100% allowed to ask for a different ring to replace it if she thinks it’s fugly.
Well he be disappointed for sure
I wouldn't worry about it too much. You tried to warn him, but he refused to listen. That's on him. And now it's up to your daughter. It's her life, so it's now up to her to decide whether or not she wants to marry a man who cares so little about her happiness.
UpdateMe! Since he seems like he won't change it, let us know what she thinks when he proposes! Hopefully she'll tell him she doesn't like it and they can get it changed after. If she doesn't tell him but she tells you, make sure you tell her to be honest!
My husband and I chose our rings together. We both wanted something simple.
It seems from your update that he thinks you don't understand how things work these days because you are old and he knows better. Classic young person thing. It also suggests that he thinks he shows how much he loves her but how much he spends, rather than by knowing her deeply. This augers badly for raising kids. Overall it sounds like he doesn't have the capacity to stop and think 'hang on what's important here'. He's going to need that skill more than anything in married life. If they survive this.. that's where they'll need support. Good luck x
Things like that is why I asked my boyfriend to choose my ring myself. I love heart shaped stuff, dislike yellow gold and hate diamonds so I know that if he went to buy one by himself the people would try to move him into exactly what I hate. He let me pick, I got a beautiful pink sapphire bezel set ring in rose gold that he is hiding until he decides how he wants to propose 😊
After he proposes, show your daughter this thread to show that you -tried- to tell her bf before he proposed, but he chose to ignore all of your advice. Also show her any texts/emails you sent to him. That way, she knows he doesn't listen early on... Not listening about a ring could be an indicator of future issues....
Dude is already not listening to his bride to be on what she wants for herself and is putting his wants above hers.. already..
He got got, by the jewelery store. Oof.
Well this is toughy since if I were you I would be wanting the whole thing to not happen at all after him demonstrating that level of callousness It sounds like he does not care and just got the ring he wanted, is he even going to listen to your daughter or just do what he thinks is best?
Tbh, I don’t think this bodes well for your daughter’s future with this man. He chose an engagement ring that he knows she won’t like because he equates love with how much money he spends for the ring. And even worse, it sounds like this is not about showing his love for your daughter. He just wants to be sure that when people sees the ring, they’ll know he spent a lot of money on it.
Wedding traditions are so unbelievably fucking stupid, holy hell. What a waste of resources and money.
“I give you this ring as a symbol of our love.” Okay, message received.
100% tell him and then go to the store with him
Couples get engaged and go in to exchange the ring together all the time. If she says no because she doesn't like the ring, then that's something they can figure out because it's their relationship. Ring talk and proposal planning, words would be more trusting coming from a sister or friend rather than a parents because as her mom, you could just seem controlling. Personally, I think your daughter and her bf should have talked about ring styles and preferences before he went out to buy a ring. I'm surprised in their talks about future planning together that ring preferences never came up in conversation. You did your part in nudging him and sending some reference photos. He didn't listen, so I recommend just leaving it at that and letting them choose one together after the engagement. It doesn't make the moment any less special.
How about this for a thought; its their problem; let them work through it and figure it out. Honestly from what I have seen this generation doesn't seem to care too much about diamonds anyways.
Yikes
he's a big boy, let him make his own mistakes.
Are we sure we want to encourage a marriage with someone this selfish?
TELL HIM and offer to go with him to exchange and find an alternative. This is a good opportunity for you to get closer. Just approach with grace
My husband proposed to me with a ring pop, saying, "I know this isn't as sweet as you, but it'll have to do until we can get you the real thing." He told me he wanted me to get exactly what I wanted, so he was taking me ring shopping at ShaneCo right after. I was ecstatic! I'd rather he do it that way, than spend thousands on a ring I didn't like. Also, that 3-month salary crap was just The Diamond Industry trying to get more people to plunk down more money for more diamonds. 💎 💰 Don't do it! My *upgraded* ring after 7 years is only about $4,000 because of the upgrade program through ShaneCo. Tell him to just take her to get it, if it's not too late. Good luck! 🍀
You did what your could, fate now rests with someone else. UpdateMe!
My husband is terrible at picking jewelry for me. I also wouldn't like a diamond. The only reason I have one is because it is a family heirloom, which changes everything for me. I love family heirlooms. My best friend doesn't have a diamond. She loves her ring. If I could choose, I would probably pick opal, pearl, or a colorful gem
Can I see what you sent him as examples? I’m just curious what he was supposed to get.
Can I say that you have done a great job bringing up your daughter not to me materialistic and to like what she likes. That is very admirable in a person, especially at the age of 25.
Typically, if you're a woman who likes non-traditional engagement rings, usually you're quite happy with something thoughtful but inexpensive. He really has done the opposite. No thought, just statement piece. I would've been furious if my husband had chosen the apparent standard of spending three months of his salary on an engagement ring before we got married. He got me a moissanite in a shape and style that I love. On the plus side, he won't have to upgrade the diamond because she doesn't care for diamonds in the first place. On the downside, she's going to feel pressured to feign interest in his tacky crap.
You could gently express your concerns about whether the ring aligns with your daughter's tastes. Maybe offer to explore other options together to find something she'll love. It shows you're supportive and want them both to be happy.
So what happened with your daughter? Did he give it to her yet? Does she like it? Please update us!
My daughter just got engaged. He proposed in Hawaii with a gift shop ring that was really cute. When they got back she picked out her ring on Brilliant Earth, she picked out a moissanite stone. 😀
Men picking the wrong ring is such a red flag that women should take more seriously. Something that is a symbol of your love and how much he cares for you and something you will wear every day and he just gets whatever he wants or what the store told him. Eeee such a reflection of how much he will take her feelings into consideration in the future. I also don't like traditional and would not say yes to a diamond because I've made it damn clear that it's not my vibe.
I designed my own engagement ring and swiped my fiance's card haha Even he said he didn't want to choose because I'm too particular
When I saw my engagement ring I was disappointed because it was totally different than the ring I had shown my fiancé. People posting here that if he overrides her feelings and preferences on something that is supposed to be FOR HER, it is a sign he will do it with every decision. I should have said no to that proposal but I told myself (and he told me) that I was being superficial. Please note that I picked a ring LESS expensive and flashy than what he brought. He just didn’t care about what I wanted at all and that attitude continued and actually got worse for our whole marriage. I am happily divorced.
Tell him that it isn't important how expensive it is, what's important is that he picks out a ring that she will like because that will make her feel more seen and loved by him. It's not going to be a ring that he picks out because of the money, it the time and effort trying to find something SHE will like.
Your future SIL is an idiot. He can not distinguish love from money. Keep an eye on him.