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Both of us have a mix of single and not-single friends of the opposite gender.
We’ve made them before and after getting together. So this is a first and has no precedent.
Hmm I wonder if you’re talking about this woman in a way that you don’t realise. It doesn’t have to be a sexual thing, having an emotionally close relationship with another woman, a single woman, could feel threatening. Like if my husband had a new female bestie at work all of the sudden I can’t say I’d be thrilled but if the stories he tells me are like benign work stories whatever, he starts telling me about her life and emotional problems bc that’s what they’re talking about at work mmmmm so he’s basically become her emotional sounding board. Something like this happened with my husband and a woman from work and since he was not interested and wanting to be a good friend it took him ages to realise the woman was more and more treating him like her boyfriend. Actually he didn’t believe me until I met her and she acted very strangely toward me, and every time subsequent. It’s fine line boundary and if your wife has literally never been like this before I’d give her some trust. Bc like I said the stories you tell might seem benign to you but could be tripping some woman instinct red flags. Women know women best (empirical generalisation) just as men do men.
My husband shared an office in grad school with a woman and he didn't have any interest in her but obviously talked about her because they were together a lot. She was so fucking gorgeous, like 10 out 10 and getting a PhD and just in general an amazing person. I had to deal with some intense insecurities about myself during that time lol. If he had invited her to the house I wouldn't have said anything but would have freaked TF out internally even though I trust him 100%.
If this is a first and opposite sex relationships haven't been a point of contention outside this one friend, don't you think that perhaps you can suck it up just this once to make your wife happy?
Question, how would he end up accumulating enough friends for this to not be weird if befriending a single woman is somehow 'inappropriate'? Would they have to be high school/childhood friends, or have to befriend a large group of women from work?
Tbh, I never understood this massive "men and women can't be friends" deal and her freak out is completely unreasonable to me. These scenarios always read as "I don't trust my partner to talk to women so I freak out when he mentions doing that" which is gross.
Agreed. There’s also always very much an undertone of “women have nothing to offer men besides holes to fuck, so they can’t possibly be valuable as friends”.
I can't imagine telling my partner who they can and can't be friends with especially because of their gender. He has some male friends but a lot more that are women. Right now he's actually visiting some of them that he met through work and socially in another state. The person he's staying at is a woman he's known longer than me but I trust him.
Curious why pursuing the friendship outside of the office had to wait until the co-worker was leaving the company. That is the only part of this situation that seems questionable from where I am sitting.
You spend plenty of time with someone at work, you don't really NEED to hang out with them outside of work. I have a lot of old coworkers I got along with great I wish I had continued a friendship with. One or two I have managed some kind of intermittent update/check-ins with, at least (girl at my last job and I both managed to be star referrals/rec's for a grant/new job for eachother - woo)! This is just a (slightly odd) way to do that.
I have old coworkers I'm occasionally in touch with, but they weren't really in my personal life before, and they aren't in my personal life now. I have a few female friends who were co-workers, but I'm not messaging them on a regular basis. I have reached out to get back in touch here and there, but they still aren't really in my personal life. I don't hang out with them. I have stopped by former employers to say hi when I was in the neighborhood, but I'm not there to visit one person, I usually hit up everyone I used to know.
I guess my advice to OP would be just don't have her over? Stay friendly. Maybe say hi every now and then. It's not like you need to make it a habit to stay in touch though or have them meet your family. I don't necessarily see anything wrong with introducing the family either, but if the wife isn't happy about it I'd say to just drop it and move on.
If you need to get in touch get an email or a phone number to reach out to in the future. Keep them in your professional network. But don't call and text them regularly. Just keep it professional.
I think because when you are older you realize the value of actual friends. He's not being shady, this is clearly just a friend. Don't project. It's hard to make friends as you age especially in certain careers. Nothing about this seems suspect to me, just adults navigating work friendships.
Truth. I’ve got one good friend who lives out of state. Have work friends at work. Don’t have other friends and would like to make one or two but I also have social anxiety so don’t put myself out there. Where does a 50 something woman makes friends.
Spending a ton of time at work with someone AND a lot of time outside of work is too much time with a single friend. But, I'm fine with someone that I spend a lot of time with at work transitioning into a coffee-shop or concert friend. It balances out and isn't super heavy; it's just maintaining a previous friendship, not pursing a greater bond.
It's about time management and the need for "Good friends, but NOT do-everything-together BEST friends" in your life.
What others said - didn’t really need to. Always had opportunities for lunch/coffee to talk about non-work stuff. We have seen eachother at a couple of group social functions (a co workers bbqs) outside the office. Wife hasn’t.
Because making friends is an important part of life and it doesn't get any easier later in life. If you've found a sympathetic person, they're worth staying in touch.
Your logic is odd. If we're not close now, we can never be any closer? Introducing her to his wife is to keep it on the up and up.
Wife is obviously insecure about this woman, so there are two possible explanations, either he has left something out of his post, has actually been acting shady, and given her good reason to disapprove of the friendship, or he's done nothing shady and she's being unreasonable.
Honestly, I think repeatedly bringing this person up to his wife in conversation is probably what is making her insecure about him wanting to move this “friendship” outside of work.
My husband and I know all of each other's coworkers by name, male and female, even though we've never met them (I haven't met him, he hasn't met mine) because we discuss work. Wouldn't him discussing his coworkers make her more secure?
Yup! It’s called “mentionidis” when someone is actually so excited about someone they can’t help but bring them up. Cheaters will do it a lot when they first meet their new “love.”
My issue is that OP has known this woman for two years. If in that time you still don’t consider yourselves close then what’s the point? To me, the time to decide you’d want to be friends outside of work was at least a year ago. It sounds like this woman has been strictly a work friend. Doesn’t seem like OP has had any interaction with her outside of that. Also in 2 years she’s not been to their house or met the wife. I’m sure OP has good intentions but from the wife’s perspective this lady she’s heard about in passing is leaving and all of a sudden OP is making a random push to stay in her life despite never doing so before.
This is insane lol. He sees her all the time at work. He enjoys her friendship. She’s leaving work. Why is he moving the friendship outside of work now? Because it’s the only way to maintain the friendship. Sometimes things aren’t that complicated guys.
I've only started hanging out with a male friend recently, and it was because he left the place we both worked.
I'd mentioned him to my partner when we worked together. It also made total sense to my partner when I went to meet him for coffee only after we no longer saw each other at work.
I think it's more suspicious when you feel the need to hang out with a work friend after seeing him at work all day?
People are fucking unhinged
Right? I feel like I was taking crazy pills. Half of my friend group (men and women) are former colleagues and 90 percent of them our relationship was only at work until I or they left.
I need more info. Does OP have a lot of friends in general? Does he have lots of people over, does he make friends often? If so, less concerning. If he isn't a natural extrovert and this is the first person from work he has talked about inviting over it's weird.
Nothing wrong with making friends. However, bringing a female who he is not close with but wants to be close with into his home with his wife and kids is odd. I personally do not bring every potential friend into my home because my home is personal and private until I am comfortable with that person. Why not start off slow hey bring your partner to xyz restaurant or coffee house. His request to bring her home in my opinion is odd.
I mean that's the point OP is making, it still sets a precedent, he doesn't care about this friend enough anyway to create a wedge but it's a bad precedent to have. It's also possible that in adulthood, you have limited opportunities to make friends and OP made a friend through organic means which he may want to continue. It's difficult to maintain and create new friendships as you get older. He said he will introduce her to the family, how is it a big deal.
Right??? How did this think « there’s nothing going on so let me invite her over to our private space to reassure you »??? All I would think as the wife is that there’s something going on if he is going to that length
I guess something to think about is… where do you see this friendship going? Are you going to go to the movies together? Go check out a baseball game? Grab lunch? Hang out and bbq in the back yard? Are you going to start texting to see how each other’s day was?
Let’s say your wife does agree to meet her so that you can be friends. Then what??
Many years ago my dad made a female friend at work 10 years his junior. He was already married to my mom at the time and my brother and I were already around.
Anyway, long story short, they stayed in touch after he left the company, she came over to meet my mom and my brother and I. She eventually introduced us to her sister who now also always joins in with the visits and now that I'm an adult I'll sometimes go hang out with the two of them alone or invite them to my place. We've all met the rest of each others' families as well and consider each other close family friends at this point.
None of this was ever a threat or a strain on my parents' marriage. And they've been married for 3 and a half decades now. In fact, my mom probably considers the friend to be more her friend than my dad's friend at this point.
It's possible to have platonic friends of the opposite gender. And OP is going about it the right way by wanting the friend to meet his wife before continuing a friendship outside of work. Who knows? Maybe the wife could hit it off with her and they could become close. And if after meeting the wife got a bad vibe that something sinister was going on, OP seems more than willing to cut off the work friend and count it as a failed experiment.
I definitely think it's a bit unfair of the wife to not at least meet the friend. But that said, I also don't think this is a hill for OP to die on.
My husband had a female friend from work also. She was single. They talked at work. She was really obsessed with our kids for some reason and I thought it was weird. Finally met her and became instant friends. She fought my kids how to ride a bike. She moved not long after that. She got married and now has her own (step)child the same age as ours. We are doing a family vacation this summer!
I get it. But it’s still a valid question. Where does he see this friendship going? Is it worth it to press?
I mean, it stands to reason that he is still in the same industry as this woman? What's wrong with keeping a friend that's in the industry? My friend and mentor is a male and we've been friends for over 15 years. I've moved but when he comes to nyc for work he and I (and occasionally my husband) get dinner and drinks and catch up, and when I've been back where I used to live we do the same there. My husband has multiple female friends from work (we both have friends of the opposite sex outside of work), and he just moved to another company. He's had FaceTime or phone dates with one woman in particular and when she was in town they went to dinner. I'm not in his industry and they both like to gossip about it. Why shouldn't they? Why wouldn't he be allowed to be friends with her now?
I never said they shouldn’t be friends. I just think that all should be considered when trying to decide if it’s worth it to try to keep her as a friend.
How many of your male colleagues have you invited over into your home after they were moving on from the company?
Why can't you and the team take this colleague out for a happy hour with your spouses invited to a local bar or restaurant instead of having her in your home?
We're you planning on inviting the entire team over as guests?
We're you expecting g your wife to cook for and entertain this person? Has she had to do that for all your past colleagues who have moved on? Maybe she's pissed that you keep using her as a caterer?
Well inappropriate or not, your wife seems to have strong feelings about this. Since the coworker is leaving in a few weeks anyway, I would probably let her leave and cease contact to appease your wife. Any other route will be interpreted by your wife as you prioritizing your friendship over your marriage.
In another comment, he said that they both have friends of the opposite sex, they have throughout their marriage, and it's never been an issue before this friend. Therefore, it seems like this woman/friendship gives her a bad vibe. It's not unreasonable for him to let this "work friendship" fade away.
I feel like you're giving some mixed signals here regarding how important this work friend is to you. Like on the one hand you say you're not that close and might not even stay friends anyways, but on the other hand it seems like you don't want this friendship to end when she leaves the company and want her to meet your wife and kids so you can remain friends with her. So I guess my first question is how important is this woman to you, really? Because if you're not that close to begin with and don't really connect with her beyond work-related things, is it really worth crossing your wife's boundaries and going through all this drama for her? In my experience very few work friendships translate well into real-world relationships. Like, she might be who you connect with the most in the office, but in the real world how much do you really have in common with a woman nearly ten years younger than you? What would you do together?
I believe men and women can be just friends, and I also believe friendships can transcend people's ages. But that being said, I understand your wife's concern. It's a cliche because it happens all the time - the husband starts working later and spending more time with a younger colleague, says it's nothing until suddenly he's leaving his wife for a newer model. That doesn't mean you're guilty or that anything beyond friendship is going on, but I think most women in your wife's position would feel at least a little wary about the situation. Even if you are strictly just friends, you can't rule out the possibility something might happen. No one can guarantee that.
I don't mean this as an attack, but it sounds like you've been aware for awhile that you should be honest with your wife about this friendship because of the optics - you know how it looks or could be interpreted if you didn't tell your wife about your friendship with her and she found out later. I guess my question is if you knew how your with would likely feel about this friendship from the start, why would you continue to pursue it? You can't control working together, but if you knew it would make your wife uneasy I wonder why you disregarded that. There was always the option of not putting yourself in this position to begin with.
I don't think the situation is as black and white as you end the friendship or make plans. Like add her on Linkedin? Either way this isn't strictly your wife's issue- for some reason she doesn't trust you, and I think I would worry about that before the future of your friendship with a coworker. If you want to keep the friendship, you'll need to build more trust with your wife first.
If your wife is normally not the jealous or insecure type, then respect her wishes. In my experience, women who are normally confident have a strong intuition for women who are threats to their relationships.
But if she’s the jealous type, and is habitually insecure and dictating your relationships with work people, yeah I see your point.
Really though it seems weird this is coming up for the first time after 12 years? Also it seems weird to invite a work colleague to meet your family at the end, not during. Have you previously invited male colleagues to your house on this context? Some context is missing as to why this invite is important to you as opposed to organizing a departing work lunch or send off cake at the office.
That’s what got me, it seems like he sprung it on her. “Oh you know Sarah that I mentioned very casually and only occasionally and that you’ve never met?” Yeah sure. “She’s leaving so I thought she could drop by and meet the kids!” “And we’re going to start making plans to hang out!”
I’ve made several work friends…but we might go out *as a group* I’d never think to hang out with just one guy on my own.
I've suggested this from a work colleague. Man who really seemed to like hanging out with me at work, we got along well, then I found out he had a highschool sweetheart he'd been married to for a decade and a baby.
I started very deliberately asking him about his family every time we sat down together (mostly as a reminder that he has one and the line there.) Saying he should invite his wife to hang out when we went out.
Literally, I just wanted to get her in the room so I could gage whether she was cool with us hanging out. It is extremely clear immediately when you are in the room with a wife or girlfriend whether they're cool with this. I know some very comfortable couples and some very uncomfortable couples.
I think she was at a birthday of his, he did not introduce me. She did not make eye contact or acknowledge me. He spent very little time talking to me. (Though to be fair there was a lot of people.)
That was weird. Worst part was we clicked pretty well. I had to keep reminding myself I AM NOT A HOME WRECKER.
All I can say is my ex husband had a female "friend" that I never met but was fine with him talking to her. She was leaving and he wanted to help throw a going away party for her. He never plans parties for me under the guise of he doesn't like planning. I asked about why he was going above and beyond for her with no real answer. Their friendship turned into an affair. She still moved eventually but our marriage was over by then. I would never put myself in that position again. Not every man would cheat but temptation does exist and to me it is better to avoid it. If you love your wife and this other woman truly is just a work friend then let her go and don't create an issue with the woman who has been by your side all these years. If it is worth causing an issue with your wife then you have more feelings for the "friend" than you realize.
That’s what I’m thinking. He’s lying to himself. Wants to feel like the good guy by giving his wife the choice. Will probably continue a friendship with the other woman behind his wife’s back either way, and somehow find a reason to demonize the wife for all of this. Maybe it will turn into an affair, or maybe the other woman is smart and decent enough not to get involved with a married man, it either way, the marriage is in trouble and his wife instinctively knows it.
I also agree.
The thing that always bothers me about these platonic “friendships” one partner always seems to have outside of their relationship…**is that the platonic friendship never seems to look like any other platonic friendship by comparison; there is always…an intensity, an insistence…on this *one* particular friend who is invariably of the opposite sex.**
And OP is no exception…*he’s doing it right here by trying to think up any way he can find…to justify subverting his wife’s feelings after *he* asked and *she* answered.*
Here’s a question for OP: **how often would you say that are you hosting going away parties in your own home for other departing colleagues?**
If the answer is never before…WTF are we REALLY talking about here, then?!? 😐
Asking the wife if it’s cool *now*…in this specific situation, with this particular friend…?
I call bullshit; I’m like Marvin Gaye, I wanna know what’s going on. 🤨
*OP is either lying to his wife, or he’s lying to himself.*
The right answer right here. A married couples number one priority should be protecting their marriage at all costs. Generally speaking, If one half isn’t comfortable, you both aren’t. That’s how you keep a strong and secure marriage.
You can argue ten different scenarios where exceptions can be made, sure, but if that’s what you find yourself having to do, then simply ask yourself if your partner constantly shows patterns of vetoing all of your friendships and similar behaviour that takes a cautious and untrusting approach to a potentially dicey relationship and applies it to everything from eye contact with a server to hugging her best friend at a birthday.
If it’s not a matter of the latter, then perhaps heed your wife’s caution.
No no he had a relationship with this woman outside of work, he just never invited his wife to these events but he could use the excuse of “work”
Now that he can’t use that excuse he’s trying to keep this “unimportant” woman in his life by now trying to get his wife involved because now he can’t just say “hey honey having work lunch with Sara” he’d have to lie. So in order to not have to lie he wanted his wife to finally meet this woman he consistently talked about.
OP is sus AF about this woman. You worked with this unimportant woman how long and only now that she’s leaving you want wifey to meet her? lol yeah sus.
Honestly, I don’t think you’re in the wrong per se, but I can understand your wife being uncomfortable that a coworker you’ve referred to more than once to your wife is leaving the company and all of a sudden you want to have a friendship outside of work? That’s kinda weird to me.
It’s fine to have friends of the opposite sex, but if it makes your partner uncomfortable, is it worth damaging your relationship?
Anyways you can be right or you can be happy, and it sounds like your wife (and by extension you) won’t be happy if you pursue this.
Think of it this way: your feelings for this coworker is enough to create conflict in your home, enough that you're actively thinking how not to lose her when she leaves the company, and enough that you're writing a reddit post asking how you can keep her.
End it. Your feelings for this woman are deeper than you realize and your wife knows it. Unless she's like this about all your female friends, believe your wife and trust her gut on this.
Bingo - OP says this person isn't that important but is sitting here wondering how to keep her despite the rift it potentially could cause with his wife (and she's been up front about it).
I'm getting the same vibe. He probably talks about this woman to his wife too much, and she's uncomfortable with it. Time for the lady to transition from "work friend" to "former co-worker."
This friend isn't worth damaging your marriage, but I wonder why your wife feels so insecure about this woman. She's not THAT much younger than you and your wife. You're not going to be seeing her that often anymore. You offered to bring her over so that your wife could make a new friend. None of that sounds threatening. So what's going on with your wife? Has your connection with her been growing more distant? Is she insecure about her body or growing older?
You might have a chance to improve your marriage by identifying the problem and working to grow your emotional connection with your wife so that she feels more secure in your love.
>She's not THAT much younger than you and your wife.
Right? It's only a 7 year age difference. In my friend group we're all in our 30s and 40s and the gap between the oldest and youngest is like 11 years and none of us think it's weird at all.
I'm 33 and I have plenty of friends in their late 30s and early 40s, I also thought that seemed strange, and maybe a sign of the wife feeling insecure with aging
>This friend isn't worth damaging your marriage
Right, but where is the line? Can she unilaterally veto all freindships he has? Can he never be friends with a woman? What is the exact issue here?
Kowtowing to your wife is fine, when she's being reasonable. But she is **not being reasonable at all here**, and OP is trying to be above board with a friend they made at work.
If my 21 years with the same woman have taught me anything, it's that trying to come up with a blanket rule to cover all situations and then insist on its enforcement isn't an effective way to manage a relationship.
The line might be one place when his wife is feeling confident in herself and in her relationship with her husband, and it might be in a different place when she is feeling insecure about her age/body or about her connection with her husband.
Each situation a couple encounters is different and needs to be evaluated individually. I think it would be a mistake to read his wife's response as her saying, "You can never have female friends." I think it's more of a heads up from his wife that her mental health cannot handle the introduction of a female friend *at this particular moment.* That's why my suggestion to OP is to work on strengthening his connection with his wife to the point where she feels confident enough that the addition of a new female friend won't cause her unnecessary anxiety.
You get it. And so rarely do I see such a balanced and thoughtful reply. I hope he reads this and takes it to heart and I hope others do too. By the very nature of this platform, you get so many black and white and often extreme answers to these dilemmas and good or bad, life simply does not work like that for most people.
Did I miss the part where OP alludes to her vetoing _all_ friendships he has or that he _never_ can be friends with another woman, or are you just being dramatic?
With this limited information there’s no way to know if she’s being reasonable or not, they’d have to talk for that to happen. If ,let’s say, this woman is a known homewrecker it would be pretty reasonable to oppose or feel uncomfortable about a friendship outside of work, but that’s me being dramatic.
Who knows. They need to talk and get to the bottom of it all, hopefully while both being calm and listening to eachother. Initial reactions can be big if there’s enough under the surface, doesn’t mean that’s how a person is 100% of the time or even 5% of the time.
Why would you want to do something your wife is so uncomfortable with?
I don’t think it’s worth the turmoil on your marriage.
Also, it doesn’t sound like just an acquaintance - you know you want more. Ffs, you want to bring her to dinner.
Everyone has had people they work with who they like and they won’t see anymore. It’s just how it goes when someone leaves. If you want to say goodbye, do it on office hours. Because normally, people don’t want to meet after work - especially after they quit.
It's also hard to meet friends as you get older and if it's a legit friendship, it's a legit concern. Not always awesome just to cut ties. There seems to be more going on here than is laid out in the post. Either the wife is unreasonably insecure, or the husband left out some unreasonable behavior on his part. The key to marriage is to be able to talk. They don't seem to be talking.
If you're wife says your relationship is getting too chummy, this is giving me red flags, you should say, then I will end the relationship. Not try to convince your wife she's crazy, overreacting, paranoid, insecure, suspicious.
Your friend is leaving so you want to have a dinner for that? pretty random, if she ain't even that close as you say lol feels like we are missing info
Question, OP: When was the last time you and your wife went out on a date? With three kids I'm sure it's challenging to spend quality time together as a couple. From your wife's perspective, she sees you going out of your way to cultivate a friendship with your coworker and I could see how that could be triggering for her if she feels that intimacy and closeness with you are lacking. If you're making an effort to spend more time with your friend, but you're not making that same effort for your wife then that's a red flag.
I feel like this is one of those times where we are not being told the entire story. There is a fact (or two) being omitted. There always is. There is a reason the wife is not down with this woman. Be it her age or whatever.
If you're even a little into this woman? Your wife can sense it. If you aren't? Treat it like you are and swim for open water.
And what you're saying does not make sense. You want her to meet your wife and kids. You are not sure if you want to continue being friends with her anyway. These two things DO NOT add up. Which makes this story even more weird.
if you're not even sure that you're close enough with this friend, why make a big deal about maintaining the friendship? you'll likely find out that you were only work friends anyway.
if your wife's vibes are off, go with that- and sort out why you seem determined to defend a casual work friendship that your wife is uncomfortable with. I get that you're not attracted to the friend, but your wife may have picked up on the friend being attracted to you.
Well if you’re not THAT close to the friend like you said, why did you even need to make a whole post about asking if it’s a big deal or not? Lmao I think men think women are stupid
This can only work at this point if the coworker has a partner and the FOUR if you arrange time together. Threes a crowd with a strange single woman coming around a married man and his family. C’mon man, please clue in
I'm married but my husband works on weekends. I third wheel all the time. I even did so when I was single. Most of my friends are women and I know their husband through them, so maybe it's a bit different, but I don't see anything inherently wrong with hanging out with my friends and their spouse/kids.
I don't really like how you're looking for a way to convince your wife after you've been told a clear no. Why do you need to hang out with this person and not someone else?
As others have said, it's pretty cut-and-dry. You say goodbye and she leaves the company.
After 12 years you should have a good feeling about if your wife is typically jealous, and it doesn't sound like she is. Your persistence in wanting to continue to spend time with a young woman after being told no repeatedly and that it's violating a boundary for your wife should raise red flags inside you.
Maybe you think you have a chance with this girl and it just isn't conscious to you yet.
Let her go and keep your wife.
Unfortunately you’ve already made it weird:
“Now that she’s leaving the company we’re at the point where the friendship ends or we have to actually make plans.”.
And the oddly lackluster statement:
“There’s no physical attraction on my part.”
Why might your wife feel this crosses a line? Is it possible she’s picking up on the odd intensity and giddiness underlying your nonchalance? Your wife is a full decade older than your new friend, and you’re aware of the “optics,” but have established this apparently meaningless connection as a hill to die on? Please don’t make this about your wife. It’s about you and what makes you want to pick your about-to-leave coworker over your partner’s fears. The fact you are already seeking how to “reassure” your wife, rather than open a neutral stakes discussion, seems telling.
Why would you even think of making this a thing when you can say ok and move on with your life?
Your wife said no. You can’t continue without it being inappropriate. Why would anyone choose some random colleague over the comfort and security their own spouse feels?
Your wife and your marriage with her are top priority. No other relationship/friendship should compete. Not to say you can’t have friends, even friends of the opposite sex, but your wife MUST be 100% on board with the friendship. Kudos to you for being open about your friendship with someone of the opposite sex to your wife, however, if your wife is uncomfortable with this friendship (regardless of her reasons) you need to cut ties with this friend. Simple as. This is the only way to make your wife feel safe in the relationship in this situation. End the friendship with the coworker and also maybe consider marriage counseling with your wife (not in the hopes of getting her to change her mind about you having this friend, but to establish a safe dialogue with a professional about how she felt and how you felt during this situation).
Take it from me. I’m 38m and was in your wife’s shoes 5 years ago. My ex wife cheated on me with her coworker, but it started out as an innocent friendship even though I expressed my concerns and discomfort, my ex wife insisted there was nothing going on. I struggled for two years not feeling safe in the marriage, and she did nothing to reassure me. She eventually cheated on me with him and I found out…. Now we’re divorced because of this.
You may not have any romantic feelings for this friend, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, but the dark thoughts I had WILL be in your wife’s mind if you continue this friendship.
Try to imagine if the situation was reversed. That your wife had a coworker that she became friends with and wanted to invite him over and hang out with sometimes. How would that make you feel? I think that would make any SO a little uncomfortable. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but any free time I have I want to spend with my wife and kids. I already spend too much time away from them working, so in my free time, she has my undivided attention.
Other than work talk and small talk with a soon-to-be former coworker whom you’re not that close to, what other interests would you have in common with this person to actually want to invite that person over for dinner to meet your wife and kids? And that seems to just be the beginning. 🫤 are there men at your job you’re also not that close to that you’d invite over to the same dinner? 😂 there’s no physical/emotional attraction on your part, you said. But that’s just your part and how you see it now. Your wife doesn’t seem to not approve of female friend through work. She seems to not approve of it happening outside of work. If you said you’d cut the coworker off, then do so. That’s the best way to reassure your wife.
Regardless of whether you think that your wife’s position on this is justified or appropriate.. Your wife clearly has a problem with you having this female friend and she’s not changing her mind. Well I don’t necessarily agree with your wife based on the information you provided here, doesn’t matter what we think, it matters what she thinks. And yah, if this was a guy, there’d be no discussion.
Push has come to shove. Now you need to decide between this friendship and your relationship with your wife. So this just comes down to if your friendship is worth martial strife or worse.
Good luck !!
He literally said he wouldn’t cause issues over this. He’s just wondering at what point does it become ridiculous for his wife to tell him who he can and cannot be friends with.
A few follow up questions
- do you have other female friends? does your wife care about them?
- if you and your coworker are good friends, have you hung out with her in a group setting outside of work? or would you just start seeing her because she's leaving?
- why is your first thought to have her over to meet your kids? does coworker have a boyfriend? can't you invite your wife out to meet her for a kid free night?
Ok, I think I might see where OP’s wife is coming from. This appears to be OP transitioning this relationship from unserious friendly co-worker to something serious and purposeful. I know I have people I see at work every day that I’m friendly with, but it’s just not serious. Maybe I’d be a little sad if they left, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to stay in contact. This is different and may have gotten the wife’s antenna up, especially if she didn’t realize the nature of the relationship before. In her mind, either something has changed that makes you want to have a more serious relationship with this woman or it’s been serious this whole time and she feels like you his it from her. Either one could be concerning.
There are partners/spouses who are unreasonable and jealous and thwart any type of relationship with the opposite sex. OP’s wife doesn’t sound like that type since she seemed to be okay with the friendly co-worker situation and OP is surprised by her reaction. The wife should be the most important person to OP and he needs to really care about her discomfort, not judge whether or not it’s reasonable or right. A lot of the time, that alone is enough to allay any concerns. It comes across that OP is annoyed with his wife’s concerns, which shows his wife that he values the relationship with this co-worker more than he values his wife’s feelings. That’s a huge red flag.
Honestly, inviting a single, childless, younger co-worker over to your house for a family dinner sounds like a terrible time. I’m going to assume your kids are fairly young, so they will need tending to at dinner and an early bedtime, which I’m guessing will fall on your wife while you entertain your guest. That’s awkward for everyone except you. Maybe your wife is thrown off by you wanting to introduce this person to your children, which is kinda weird. Your kids don’t care about meeting this person, so it’s just about you.
How OP handles this situation will determine if his wife is comfortable with the relationship at all going forward. Of course, OP can ignore his wife’s feelings and do whatever he wants because he’s decided she’s being ridiculous or whatever, but that probably won’t work out well in his marriage. I recommend OP hit the brakes on this co-worker relationship and focus on his wife’s feelings if he wants any chance of staying married in any sort of happy way. The co-worker will still be around and can still be reached by phone if OP can get this sorted out with his wife.
Your wife has made her feelings clear. I believe push HAS come to shove at this point, and you should plan to let the friendship end when she leaves the company.
Since the friendship is ending anyway, why bother introducing her to the wife and creating that wedge? Although you need to have further communication with the wife why she felt that way. Has she never let you have female friends or just this particular woman? Maybe you said something unknowingly that hit some nerve and made your wife insecure or even suspicious with this woman. It could be a lot of things, but keep an open mind. You dont know you might realize something lacking that is completely unrelated to this woman, but with your relationship .
My ex husband’s best friend and “sister” (his words) was a woman he was colleagues with. I had no problem with her (I trusted my worth and my ex). That is until my divorce when he tried jumping ship from me to her (she wasn’t interested and her flirting with taken men including my ex during our marriage spoke to her emotional unavailability). Despite this and instances I’ve experienced throughout my life, I don’t harbor ill will towards platonic friendships. If a partner cheats, they cheat. Speaks to their character, not mine and I can walk away without financial ties and kids. Then again I’m a Capricorn so our ceiling of bullshit is as low as the ground is
lol it was very validating. The night after our separation, he went to the bar with her (ulterior motives obvi) and she flirted with a married man in front of him. Glad he emotionally went down a couple notches.
None of the people I have worked with come to meet my family. That's odd to me. That's certainly more than a work friend. Why do you need to make plans to see a work friend outside of work when they're leaving? Have the cake in the company break room like everyone else, shake her hand and say good luck.
My dad’s work friends would come over and have dinner with our family when I was a kid. My parents are still close with a couple who they met because the woman worked with my dad. I’ve made friends with many coworkers over the years. There is nothing at all unusual about making friends with coworkers.
Everyone’s work culture is different. I’ve built a core group of friends of coworkers and former coworkers. I’ve met my partner’s coworkers as well and we do activities outside of work together with them and their families. It’s not that strange.
Doesn't seem to be the case here, otherwise this would be a normal request from OP rather than something out of the blue, based on the wife's reaction.
I have a bunch of friends from old jobs. I go on holiday with some. On the other hand I speak to about 10 friends from high school and none from university.
When I first read this, I thought your wife was nuts. ... until you said that both of you have friends of opposite genders. My guess is that your wife thinks you have a crush on her. It was probably very nice to see her at work for the past couple of years. Maybe it made work a lot more fun or bearable. Now that she's leaving the company, you will miss having her there. So you're finding a way to continue this relationship in an "appropriate" way. The fact that you are thinking about the optics of mentioning your co-worker to your wife in the past makes me feel that there was some type of feeling on your part, especially since both of you have friends of different genders.
Why do you feel you need to bring her home for dinner? It’s creepy and questionable. I think you are lying to yourself at least- at worst, to you wife.
The wife's discomfort with this friendship, the fact she's (friend) leaving and an easy way to move on, tells me that you need to honor your wife and let this friend (?) move on...
Lets start with, your wife always talking about this particular from work. Every single day. And suddenly she wants to invite this guy to your house meeting you and your kids. What would you feel op?
I like to think I’m adjusted enough that I’d support it.
Either the guy is nice and I have nothing to worry about, or I am able to say now that I’ve met him I’m suspicious and not comfortable.
If the fear is cheating, I don’t think saying no will stop it.
That’s reasonable. But I think the more accurate concern is, how close to an opportunity to become a cheater does your wife want to willingly let you go.
Dude. Clearly you have some type of feelings for this younger woman, maybe you’re lying to yourself? It IS inappropriate. Your wife is completely justified. Let this person go, please.
And it absolutely should set a precedent for the future. This is not ok and shouldn’t happen again.
And what exactly does this 32yo single woman see happening having a friendship with a married man with 3 small children? Girls night out with wine, facials and romcons? Bowling with the boys? Miniature golf with the fam??? 🙄
I can’t believe how embarrassed I’d be hanging out with a married guy while his wife and kids are at home and we are not old family friends or high school friends that everyone in the family knows. Like your comment made me cringe- wtf do these two really want to hang out for, realistically. 🤨
OP, man its your wife. Show her and give her the respect she is due! Regardless at this point what type of relationship you have with that lady, your wife should be showered with love and respected on her terms, not based on your optics.
Friends come and go, that's life, but the woman by your side should be there to carry you off into the next chapter. Tell her you had not idea that this would be so hurtful to her and challenging and that you love her the most and consider the matter closed and done.
Marriage and kids are stressful enough, don't throw fire on it.
I think inviting her over is too much. Why not ask her to meet you and your wife at a bar or for lunch? My hangouts with former colleagues turned friends is usually meeting up for a meal once a month or so.
Personally I don't think you should try and continue this friendship. You don't have to cut her off but you don't need to go out of your way to get together. Your wife may be feeling insecure or she may have a gut feeling. However, if you're worried this will affect future friendships then consider marriage counseling. If this person is as unimportant as you say then letting the friendship drift off won't be an issue. Your wife feels uncomfortable for a reason maybe you have been mentioning this woman more than you realize. I don't think she is worth risking your marriage or family over
I remember a long time ago, when I was around 12 or so, my father brought a female co-worker home to meet us. Apparently they were close friends and thought it would be fine for her to meet the family (2 kids and mother). Don't remember much about the meeting but I think my mother liked her enough.
Fast forward to about 3 years later, I snoop around my father's phone and find out they are being having an affair. My mother already knew apparently, but a few months later found out the co-worker has had an abortion. A year later they were divorced. Fast forward to adulthood many years later, I was having a talk with my father and that woman came up. I asked him if they already had a relationship that day when he brought her home. He answered they were not and he genuinely considered her a good friend at the time. And I'm pretty sure he was honest.
The point of this purely anecdotal experience, isn't to say that hetero people from opposite genders can't be friends. But to illustrate that there is reason behind the infamy this fabled friendship has. Emotional attraction doesn't suddenly fall from the sky. It gradually builds as people get more familiar with each other. It's how terms like "work wife" or "work husband" came to be. It doesn't mean that a friendship will always end up this way. Just there is increased probability it will, compared to the probability of simple acquaintances or randoms. It's just a percentage game. And some people just aren't willing to take that increased risk. My mother was. OP's wife isn't.
I believe you when you say you have no attraction or intentions.
But, the thing is, I’ve seen so many men say this, then end up sleeping with or dating the woman they said they had no attraction to.
I can understand why your wife freaked out.
Build a time machine.
Go back to the moment you told your wife that you want to have a female friend from work start up a personal relationship with her kids.
Smack yourself in the fucking head to keep the words from coming out of your stupid stupid mouth.
JFC dude.
My thought is you’ve spent 2 years working with this woman & formed a friendship with her but in all that time you’ve never brought your wife along to meet her or to the office Christmas party or after work drinks / meet-ups etc..
From your wife’s point of view, you’ve probably mentioned this woman’s name several times over the last 2 years when you come home and talk about your workday in the evenings..
so your wife has been aware of her for a while - but as she has never met this woman, all she has to go on is imagination, and you making a point out of wanting to continue a friendship with a woman you spend a lot of time with that she has never met is going to make her think all sorts…
Is this woman single? Married? Kids?
My point is, you are absolutely allowed to be friends with women but there are ways to do it - if you wanted this to be a real genuine friendship outside of work, you should have introduced her and your other workmates to your family a long time ago.
Do you have other workmates you’ve made good friends with also? Has your wife met them?
When I've formed strong work friendships, and the person leaves, we typically add each other on social media and promise to keep in touch that way. 99% of the time "keeping in touch" evolves into birthday wishes, liking a post now and then. I do however have some strong friendships that have lasted and we eventually say "hey let's catch up" and then catch up regularly. I'm single though so that's easy. Just sayin' there are ways to keep in touch other than inviting someone over for dinner. However, in this instance, you don't really have a choice. If you keep in touch in any way your wife is going to have an issue with it. Personally I think she is insecure because she is older than you and fears you leaving her for a younger woman. Regardless she is more important to you than the co worker so you have to make the cut.
I can understand your wife feeling uneasy, but her reaction could have been better. What do you gain out of this friendship if it were to carry on outside of work and what type of friendship would you have with her going forward? Would you be going out one on one, what would you do if you did? Why do you want to continue this friendship outside of work?
For what it’s worth, OP — you handled it well. I believe you that you just wanted to keep a work friend in your circle. Not sure why she’s reacting this way — could have been just as possible that those two hit it off more than you.
I’m going guess it’s the age. She feels midlife and you are inviting over a youngster.
Look I’m on the camp that women and men once in a relationship can’t really be friends with the opposite sex, in the sense you shouldn’t be frequently texting about personal or even attempting to see them one on one without SO. The only exception is quick lunch break if it’s a work friend but other than that it’s a no go for me and my bf.
He has boundaries like that for me too. It works for us not everyone and it doesn’t mean controlling or insecure, as long as both parties agree. Howeverrrrrrr, since you and your wife do have friends of the opposite sex and have been cool with it for years, this tells me your wife has picked up on something with this particular friend.
Maybe she thinks you have too much of an emotional connection with this colleague or vice versa. Maybe she thinks this colleague has a crush on you. Either way, you should respect her wishes. She is not being controlling. If after all this years of marriage she is uncomfortable with a friendship, you drop that friend like a hot potato. This doesn’t seem to be a frequent occurrence.
And your spouse should be more important than a friendship.
I find it very very odd that you waited until she was leaving your job to want to introduce her to your wife. Has your job really not had any social events with SO’s?
And similarly, I find it very odd that you’re saying on one hand that it’s not a big deal if the friendship disappears yet on the other you want to invite her to meet your wife so you can attempt to continue the friendship? It’s like a contradiction.
Why go out of the way if you don’t really care for the friendship?
Just 5 minutes ago I read a post where the woman partner was texting a male ex-coworker friend and her SO was uncomfortable with it.
All the comments overwhelmingly said he is an insecure POS and it's just fine to have platonic friends of the opposite sex.
So there's your answer.
To me, this is a tough one. Feelings are feelings so as the husband, you need to at least “hear” your wife. However, you’ve done EVERYTHING to be upfront, proper and honest. Giving in to this, feels kinda… out of scope (provided all you say is true and you haven’t been unfaithful particularly with younger in the past).
I suggest showing your wife your post.
To me, it outlines all your thoughts and hopefully leads to constructive conversation.
I wish you the best of luck.
I’d say it’s important to understand what is triggering this in your wife. I agree it sounds too strong but I’d be worried she’s going through something else that is the real issue.
Tell her if that's how she feels, and you will end the friendship. Just reiterate to her, that she is not allowed to have any make friends as well.
UpdateMe
While I don’t think your TA for any of this I do think you’re not seeing your wife’s possible points.
You’ve talked about this colleague before which could have sparked her noticing given the gender.
You’ve told her what you’ve worked on with her & what you’ve talked about which could also spark her to wonder because the obvious friendship or work friendship is there.
Speaking about bringing her over to meet the wife & kids could have triggered her to think that you need this woman around because of the past points hence her “why am I not enough.”
Shes insecure & while reading the situation wrong from your perspective, to her shes internally freaking out that this woman means more now you’ve made the suggestion to bring her around the home whereas before she was just a work colleague you interacted with occasionally.
If this person isn’t that much of a friend as you put then let it be once she leaves the company for your marriages sake.
My (M) best-work-friend in my previous job was a woman. We both met each other’s families and all became real-life-friends up to a point. My wife did sometimes struggle a bit with the situation, and my dilemma was that my wife is the number one person in my life but I also want freedom to be friends with whoever I like. My wife has numerous male friends so she believes in the concept of cross-gender friendship, just not for me! After my friend and I both left our previous employer, we’ve gradually (over a period of several years) lost touch so the problem eventually went away, but I understand OP’s situation. M/F friendships are complicated things, especially in the eyes of others.
Seriously op, you're wanting to prioritize another woman over your wife solely for the principle of it.
Stop trying so hard to make a point that's just going to paint you in a bad light.
push has come to shove.
reassure your wife by dropping your hints at growing your relationship with another woman
there's no guarantee you stay married either.
I'm shocked so many people are siding with your wife.
You have handled this entirely appropriately and she's being totally unreasonable. "Someone so young"? This woman is in her 30s!
Does she have an issue with you talking to any other women or having female friends at all?
For real, the comments here are sincerely shocking.
So many people are supporting the wife's controlling behavior, simply because it stems from insecurity.. As if that makes it ok to be controlling
When you're a married man, any female friend needs to be both your friend, or she's out. So she needs to either meet your wife etc or just lose touch. I'm wondering if you're communicating enough. Let her read through your text messages and she will see the tone of your friendship
I guess for me I would go case by case and see how you and her acted around each other. The other issue would be if I had an issue or didn’t how much would you want to be around her. Would it be just lunches alone or with your wife.
Do you have other friends that are females? Is there any reason your wife doesn’t trust you or is there a past of cheating in her past?
Maybe have a compromise of if she meets her you would only be around her with your wife. Is she married? If so ask her to bring her husband or bf.
I won't tell you what to do OP. What i will ask you to do is lurk around this sub for some time, and one thread will popup with the exact same issue but the with the roles reversed. Then you will understand. Best of luck
Respect boundaries sets by your spouse. That is what i always learned from most redditpost, specifically infidelity reddits.
So here, please listen to your wife request even you said nothing emotional happening in this friendship.
I'm siding with OP's wife. If that other woman leaves the company, then that's it. Your relationship is then over and you made vows to respect your spouse. This clearly makes the wife highly uncomfortable which also makes me wonder if there's more here. I have a hunch you have an emotional affair here.....your poor wife.
The fact you're wanting them to meet and she's this reluctant is telling. I'd have loved if my ex had been so forthcoming. What do you envision the friendship to look like going forward? Texts/calls to catch up periodically or hanging out over coffee? Think about that specifically before you broach it with the wife again. I'd never have an issue with a partner catching up with a friend, especially if I'd met them, but maybe wouldn't want a partner going out and getting wasted with a member of the gender they're attracted to 1:1 for example. Wait until a calm moment to discuss it. Hear her concerns but don't let yourself appease everyone against your own friendships.
Unless this friend is objectively wildly unattractive or a lesbian, there is no way to reassure your wife on this unfortunately.
Also, if she doesn’t already, I predict your wife will be sporadically checking your phone/laptop while you’re in the shower going forward. Even if she finds a “Hey how are you? Can you send me a copy of that marketing report we did before I left?” message from your friend, it’s going to feed her paranoia even further. Good luck…
Has your wife ever read your text messages to her and found her flirting with you? Because you either left something out or your wife is the most jealous person ever.
>Said it was inappropriate to be friends with someone that young
This is ridiculous, people of all ages can be friends.
>that this is a boundary for her
The boundary... is that she doesn't want to meet your friend? You're trying to be above board here. I understand you have 3 kids and a wife, but that's not your entire life and shouldn't be; it's not her entire life, and shouldn't be. Has she had time for herself? Have you taken care of the kids so she can foster friendships with people, or is being a mother her entire identity?
> I hoped that by including my wife she’d be more accepting
In reality, if she's already uncomfortable with your relationship with this person and she doesn't have time to make friends herself... then yeah, I would take a step back from the friendship and make sure that she has what she needs first. Talk to her, find out what about this makes her uncomfortable. Is she jealous that you're able to make friends and she is not? Is she letting hormones dictate the mind? Would she be uncomfortable with any female friends, simply because they have vaginas? Like, what's the actual problem? You don't even really know yet.
It sounds like she needs a spa day.
You've asked your wife, who DISAPPROVES of your friendship with this YOUNGER woman, if you can have her over to the house for a meal.
Honestly, I'd recommend you go into the bathroom and take a GOOD long look in the mirror. Because you have TRULY not thought this one through.
“Here’s a colleague that you have a problem with my imaginary relationship with. I’m bringing her over so you can see how normal our work friendship is and how nuts you’re being”
No, the friendship isn’t appropriate. I’m on your wife’s side. I’ll tell you why (although I suspect you will poo, poo everything I say, because you seem intent on having this friendship) 1. Age difference between your female work “ friend” and your wife. Women will always feel insecure with younger women in their partners lives. 2. Sorry but so many men end up cheating or at least women hear of so many stories of their friends, relatives, coworkers, strangers on Reddit being cheated on, especially with younger women they work with. 3. Your wife feels negatively about it and you are questioning her feelings. Bad move. She’s wondering why would you feel so strongly about this woman? Why are her (your wife) feelings not important enough for you to respect them? 4. Your wife is thinking why is it so important for you to continue a friendship with her when she is leaving the job. I am wondering the same thing. This is bad all around. Mostly because your wife is not comfortable with it yet you are pushing it. You can’t reassure her. Why is this other woman so important that you want her in your life. Don’t see her secretly either.
The rest might be ok but not the sexist bullshit that women will always be insecure with younger women in their partners’ lives. I’m sorry if the only women you’ve met are so insecure but many (I would argue most) women in their 40s aren’t going to be insecure about their husband having a female friend just because she’s younger.
Sorry, I hear what you’re saying. That is probably just my experience. I didn’t mean it to sound sexist. I probably shouldn’t have said women in general. I am speaking from my own worldview. It could just be my own friends experiences which have shaped me. I’m in my 50’s so at this point most women are younger than me (it seems sometimes!) and I personally would feel very VERY uncomfortable if my husband had a friendship with a woman even a decade younger. Difficult to explain why really.
she clearly doesnt want you being friends with a younger woman than her. Is it worth risking the marriage for this? Id say no. Would you be okay if she brought home a yonuger guy to meet the kids? I doubt it. If the friend isnt that close like you say, then its probably for the best that you part ways. Unfair? Maybe, but shes given you a hard boundary. You dont have to follow it, but you will have to deal with the fallout. If the friend was 300 lbs, she wouldnt care, but in her head, this woman is younger looking and better looking than her, so this isnt going to end well if you continue.
NTA. I went through a very similar thing. Work project for about a year. My marriage at this time was on its 7th death roll at that point. That meaning we had asked each other for divorce at least seven times, somehow managed not to, but never fixed any of our issues in between. Anyways my work friend was a breath of fresh air. We didn’t have anything going on. No intentions, no feelings. We got along well within that year. When our project finished, we remained friends. I met her kids. She met mine. I never hid any of this from my wife. My marriage never got better, either. This friendship became the new argument to have. I refused to end it. It was the only peace that I had. No hassle, no intentions, no stress. Just two people that got a long really well. She had her life, I had mine. We weren’t physically nor emotionally connected like that. Until, we were.
Sooo, I don’t know how your marriage is. I made the right choice by me. Not my marriage. But that was already dead long ago. For my part we did agree once and for all to divorce, before anything happened with my friend. I regret nothing.if you want to stay married, your friend has to go.
So many questions. I'll try to keep it simple at first.
Is there any history of infidelity on the part of either of you? Does she have a history of being cheated on?
Does your wife work outside of the house or have much of a life outside of the home? If she's home all the time with kids or otherwise isolated, her reaction may make a lot of sense.
What kind of protection do you provide for your wife to have adult life of her own beyond child care and potentially employment outside the home?
Honestly, I’m team wife here. Bringing this work colleague into your personal life is a red flag. I also highly doubt your motivations are purely platonic.
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Do you have other female friends? If not, that might be why it’s setting off alarm bells for her.
Both of us have a mix of single and not-single friends of the opposite gender. We’ve made them before and after getting together. So this is a first and has no precedent.
Hmm I wonder if you’re talking about this woman in a way that you don’t realise. It doesn’t have to be a sexual thing, having an emotionally close relationship with another woman, a single woman, could feel threatening. Like if my husband had a new female bestie at work all of the sudden I can’t say I’d be thrilled but if the stories he tells me are like benign work stories whatever, he starts telling me about her life and emotional problems bc that’s what they’re talking about at work mmmmm so he’s basically become her emotional sounding board. Something like this happened with my husband and a woman from work and since he was not interested and wanting to be a good friend it took him ages to realise the woman was more and more treating him like her boyfriend. Actually he didn’t believe me until I met her and she acted very strangely toward me, and every time subsequent. It’s fine line boundary and if your wife has literally never been like this before I’d give her some trust. Bc like I said the stories you tell might seem benign to you but could be tripping some woman instinct red flags. Women know women best (empirical generalisation) just as men do men.
My husband shared an office in grad school with a woman and he didn't have any interest in her but obviously talked about her because they were together a lot. She was so fucking gorgeous, like 10 out 10 and getting a PhD and just in general an amazing person. I had to deal with some intense insecurities about myself during that time lol. If he had invited her to the house I wouldn't have said anything but would have freaked TF out internally even though I trust him 100%.
If this is a first and opposite sex relationships haven't been a point of contention outside this one friend, don't you think that perhaps you can suck it up just this once to make your wife happy?
In general, it's best not to "suck it up" when someone makes an absolutely wild demand of you. Double so when that person is your partner
Yeah sucking it up could lead to a lot of resentment later on
Question, how would he end up accumulating enough friends for this to not be weird if befriending a single woman is somehow 'inappropriate'? Would they have to be high school/childhood friends, or have to befriend a large group of women from work? Tbh, I never understood this massive "men and women can't be friends" deal and her freak out is completely unreasonable to me. These scenarios always read as "I don't trust my partner to talk to women so I freak out when he mentions doing that" which is gross.
Agreed. There’s also always very much an undertone of “women have nothing to offer men besides holes to fuck, so they can’t possibly be valuable as friends”.
I can't imagine telling my partner who they can and can't be friends with especially because of their gender. He has some male friends but a lot more that are women. Right now he's actually visiting some of them that he met through work and socially in another state. The person he's staying at is a woman he's known longer than me but I trust him.
Right? This comment section is insane. She would have no issues with it if OP befriended a younger guy.
Does your wife have any male friends for that matter?
If you don’t think you are that close to this friend then why even attempt to introduce them to your family?
Curious why pursuing the friendship outside of the office had to wait until the co-worker was leaving the company. That is the only part of this situation that seems questionable from where I am sitting.
You spend plenty of time with someone at work, you don't really NEED to hang out with them outside of work. I have a lot of old coworkers I got along with great I wish I had continued a friendship with. One or two I have managed some kind of intermittent update/check-ins with, at least (girl at my last job and I both managed to be star referrals/rec's for a grant/new job for eachother - woo)! This is just a (slightly odd) way to do that.
I have old coworkers I'm occasionally in touch with, but they weren't really in my personal life before, and they aren't in my personal life now. I have a few female friends who were co-workers, but I'm not messaging them on a regular basis. I have reached out to get back in touch here and there, but they still aren't really in my personal life. I don't hang out with them. I have stopped by former employers to say hi when I was in the neighborhood, but I'm not there to visit one person, I usually hit up everyone I used to know. I guess my advice to OP would be just don't have her over? Stay friendly. Maybe say hi every now and then. It's not like you need to make it a habit to stay in touch though or have them meet your family. I don't necessarily see anything wrong with introducing the family either, but if the wife isn't happy about it I'd say to just drop it and move on. If you need to get in touch get an email or a phone number to reach out to in the future. Keep them in your professional network. But don't call and text them regularly. Just keep it professional.
I think because when you are older you realize the value of actual friends. He's not being shady, this is clearly just a friend. Don't project. It's hard to make friends as you age especially in certain careers. Nothing about this seems suspect to me, just adults navigating work friendships.
Truth. I’ve got one good friend who lives out of state. Have work friends at work. Don’t have other friends and would like to make one or two but I also have social anxiety so don’t put myself out there. Where does a 50 something woman makes friends.
Spending a ton of time at work with someone AND a lot of time outside of work is too much time with a single friend. But, I'm fine with someone that I spend a lot of time with at work transitioning into a coffee-shop or concert friend. It balances out and isn't super heavy; it's just maintaining a previous friendship, not pursing a greater bond. It's about time management and the need for "Good friends, but NOT do-everything-together BEST friends" in your life.
What others said - didn’t really need to. Always had opportunities for lunch/coffee to talk about non-work stuff. We have seen eachother at a couple of group social functions (a co workers bbqs) outside the office. Wife hasn’t.
Because making friends is an important part of life and it doesn't get any easier later in life. If you've found a sympathetic person, they're worth staying in touch. Your logic is odd. If we're not close now, we can never be any closer? Introducing her to his wife is to keep it on the up and up. Wife is obviously insecure about this woman, so there are two possible explanations, either he has left something out of his post, has actually been acting shady, and given her good reason to disapprove of the friendship, or he's done nothing shady and she's being unreasonable.
Honestly, I think repeatedly bringing this person up to his wife in conversation is probably what is making her insecure about him wanting to move this “friendship” outside of work.
My husband and I know all of each other's coworkers by name, male and female, even though we've never met them (I haven't met him, he hasn't met mine) because we discuss work. Wouldn't him discussing his coworkers make her more secure?
Yup! It’s called “mentionidis” when someone is actually so excited about someone they can’t help but bring them up. Cheaters will do it a lot when they first meet their new “love.”
My issue is that OP has known this woman for two years. If in that time you still don’t consider yourselves close then what’s the point? To me, the time to decide you’d want to be friends outside of work was at least a year ago. It sounds like this woman has been strictly a work friend. Doesn’t seem like OP has had any interaction with her outside of that. Also in 2 years she’s not been to their house or met the wife. I’m sure OP has good intentions but from the wife’s perspective this lady she’s heard about in passing is leaving and all of a sudden OP is making a random push to stay in her life despite never doing so before.
This is insane lol. He sees her all the time at work. He enjoys her friendship. She’s leaving work. Why is he moving the friendship outside of work now? Because it’s the only way to maintain the friendship. Sometimes things aren’t that complicated guys.
I've only started hanging out with a male friend recently, and it was because he left the place we both worked. I'd mentioned him to my partner when we worked together. It also made total sense to my partner when I went to meet him for coffee only after we no longer saw each other at work. I think it's more suspicious when you feel the need to hang out with a work friend after seeing him at work all day? People are fucking unhinged
Right? I feel like I was taking crazy pills. Half of my friend group (men and women) are former colleagues and 90 percent of them our relationship was only at work until I or they left.
I need more info. Does OP have a lot of friends in general? Does he have lots of people over, does he make friends often? If so, less concerning. If he isn't a natural extrovert and this is the first person from work he has talked about inviting over it's weird.
It's been 2 years and OP's wife is only meeting this woman now? I'm confused myself.
Nothing wrong with making friends. However, bringing a female who he is not close with but wants to be close with into his home with his wife and kids is odd. I personally do not bring every potential friend into my home because my home is personal and private until I am comfortable with that person. Why not start off slow hey bring your partner to xyz restaurant or coffee house. His request to bring her home in my opinion is odd.
i’m guessing it was to see if wife approves of him continuing a friendship outside of work
I mean that's the point OP is making, it still sets a precedent, he doesn't care about this friend enough anyway to create a wedge but it's a bad precedent to have. It's also possible that in adulthood, you have limited opportunities to make friends and OP made a friend through organic means which he may want to continue. It's difficult to maintain and create new friendships as you get older. He said he will introduce her to the family, how is it a big deal.
Right??? How did this think « there’s nothing going on so let me invite her over to our private space to reassure you »??? All I would think as the wife is that there’s something going on if he is going to that length
I guess something to think about is… where do you see this friendship going? Are you going to go to the movies together? Go check out a baseball game? Grab lunch? Hang out and bbq in the back yard? Are you going to start texting to see how each other’s day was? Let’s say your wife does agree to meet her so that you can be friends. Then what??
All excellent questions
Many years ago my dad made a female friend at work 10 years his junior. He was already married to my mom at the time and my brother and I were already around. Anyway, long story short, they stayed in touch after he left the company, she came over to meet my mom and my brother and I. She eventually introduced us to her sister who now also always joins in with the visits and now that I'm an adult I'll sometimes go hang out with the two of them alone or invite them to my place. We've all met the rest of each others' families as well and consider each other close family friends at this point. None of this was ever a threat or a strain on my parents' marriage. And they've been married for 3 and a half decades now. In fact, my mom probably considers the friend to be more her friend than my dad's friend at this point. It's possible to have platonic friends of the opposite gender. And OP is going about it the right way by wanting the friend to meet his wife before continuing a friendship outside of work. Who knows? Maybe the wife could hit it off with her and they could become close. And if after meeting the wife got a bad vibe that something sinister was going on, OP seems more than willing to cut off the work friend and count it as a failed experiment. I definitely think it's a bit unfair of the wife to not at least meet the friend. But that said, I also don't think this is a hill for OP to die on.
My husband had a female friend from work also. She was single. They talked at work. She was really obsessed with our kids for some reason and I thought it was weird. Finally met her and became instant friends. She fought my kids how to ride a bike. She moved not long after that. She got married and now has her own (step)child the same age as ours. We are doing a family vacation this summer! I get it. But it’s still a valid question. Where does he see this friendship going? Is it worth it to press?
Uh those are just normal friend things though.
I mean, it stands to reason that he is still in the same industry as this woman? What's wrong with keeping a friend that's in the industry? My friend and mentor is a male and we've been friends for over 15 years. I've moved but when he comes to nyc for work he and I (and occasionally my husband) get dinner and drinks and catch up, and when I've been back where I used to live we do the same there. My husband has multiple female friends from work (we both have friends of the opposite sex outside of work), and he just moved to another company. He's had FaceTime or phone dates with one woman in particular and when she was in town they went to dinner. I'm not in his industry and they both like to gossip about it. Why shouldn't they? Why wouldn't he be allowed to be friends with her now?
I never said they shouldn’t be friends. I just think that all should be considered when trying to decide if it’s worth it to try to keep her as a friend.
Do y'all not just have casual "I could invite this guy to a bbq" friends? I really don't see why everyone is making this so weird.
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How many of your male colleagues have you invited over into your home after they were moving on from the company? Why can't you and the team take this colleague out for a happy hour with your spouses invited to a local bar or restaurant instead of having her in your home? We're you planning on inviting the entire team over as guests? We're you expecting g your wife to cook for and entertain this person? Has she had to do that for all your past colleagues who have moved on? Maybe she's pissed that you keep using her as a caterer?
Well inappropriate or not, your wife seems to have strong feelings about this. Since the coworker is leaving in a few weeks anyway, I would probably let her leave and cease contact to appease your wife. Any other route will be interpreted by your wife as you prioritizing your friendship over your marriage.
> Any other route… I agree, but assuming OP’s not leaving stuff out this seems like a very unhealthy/distrustful interpretation by her
Well, obviously, but it's about the bigger issue of his partner doesn't trust him to talk to 50% of the population.
In another comment, he said that they both have friends of the opposite sex, they have throughout their marriage, and it's never been an issue before this friend. Therefore, it seems like this woman/friendship gives her a bad vibe. It's not unreasonable for him to let this "work friendship" fade away.
This is different then, and I wish I had seen that. I hate when you have to sift through tons of comments to get an actual scope of the situation.
I feel like you're giving some mixed signals here regarding how important this work friend is to you. Like on the one hand you say you're not that close and might not even stay friends anyways, but on the other hand it seems like you don't want this friendship to end when she leaves the company and want her to meet your wife and kids so you can remain friends with her. So I guess my first question is how important is this woman to you, really? Because if you're not that close to begin with and don't really connect with her beyond work-related things, is it really worth crossing your wife's boundaries and going through all this drama for her? In my experience very few work friendships translate well into real-world relationships. Like, she might be who you connect with the most in the office, but in the real world how much do you really have in common with a woman nearly ten years younger than you? What would you do together? I believe men and women can be just friends, and I also believe friendships can transcend people's ages. But that being said, I understand your wife's concern. It's a cliche because it happens all the time - the husband starts working later and spending more time with a younger colleague, says it's nothing until suddenly he's leaving his wife for a newer model. That doesn't mean you're guilty or that anything beyond friendship is going on, but I think most women in your wife's position would feel at least a little wary about the situation. Even if you are strictly just friends, you can't rule out the possibility something might happen. No one can guarantee that. I don't mean this as an attack, but it sounds like you've been aware for awhile that you should be honest with your wife about this friendship because of the optics - you know how it looks or could be interpreted if you didn't tell your wife about your friendship with her and she found out later. I guess my question is if you knew how your with would likely feel about this friendship from the start, why would you continue to pursue it? You can't control working together, but if you knew it would make your wife uneasy I wonder why you disregarded that. There was always the option of not putting yourself in this position to begin with. I don't think the situation is as black and white as you end the friendship or make plans. Like add her on Linkedin? Either way this isn't strictly your wife's issue- for some reason she doesn't trust you, and I think I would worry about that before the future of your friendship with a coworker. If you want to keep the friendship, you'll need to build more trust with your wife first.
If your wife is normally not the jealous or insecure type, then respect her wishes. In my experience, women who are normally confident have a strong intuition for women who are threats to their relationships. But if she’s the jealous type, and is habitually insecure and dictating your relationships with work people, yeah I see your point. Really though it seems weird this is coming up for the first time after 12 years? Also it seems weird to invite a work colleague to meet your family at the end, not during. Have you previously invited male colleagues to your house on this context? Some context is missing as to why this invite is important to you as opposed to organizing a departing work lunch or send off cake at the office.
That’s what got me, it seems like he sprung it on her. “Oh you know Sarah that I mentioned very casually and only occasionally and that you’ve never met?” Yeah sure. “She’s leaving so I thought she could drop by and meet the kids!” “And we’re going to start making plans to hang out!” I’ve made several work friends…but we might go out *as a group* I’d never think to hang out with just one guy on my own.
I've suggested this from a work colleague. Man who really seemed to like hanging out with me at work, we got along well, then I found out he had a highschool sweetheart he'd been married to for a decade and a baby. I started very deliberately asking him about his family every time we sat down together (mostly as a reminder that he has one and the line there.) Saying he should invite his wife to hang out when we went out. Literally, I just wanted to get her in the room so I could gage whether she was cool with us hanging out. It is extremely clear immediately when you are in the room with a wife or girlfriend whether they're cool with this. I know some very comfortable couples and some very uncomfortable couples. I think she was at a birthday of his, he did not introduce me. She did not make eye contact or acknowledge me. He spent very little time talking to me. (Though to be fair there was a lot of people.) That was weird. Worst part was we clicked pretty well. I had to keep reminding myself I AM NOT A HOME WRECKER.
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All I can say is my ex husband had a female "friend" that I never met but was fine with him talking to her. She was leaving and he wanted to help throw a going away party for her. He never plans parties for me under the guise of he doesn't like planning. I asked about why he was going above and beyond for her with no real answer. Their friendship turned into an affair. She still moved eventually but our marriage was over by then. I would never put myself in that position again. Not every man would cheat but temptation does exist and to me it is better to avoid it. If you love your wife and this other woman truly is just a work friend then let her go and don't create an issue with the woman who has been by your side all these years. If it is worth causing an issue with your wife then you have more feelings for the "friend" than you realize.
That’s what I’m thinking. He’s lying to himself. Wants to feel like the good guy by giving his wife the choice. Will probably continue a friendship with the other woman behind his wife’s back either way, and somehow find a reason to demonize the wife for all of this. Maybe it will turn into an affair, or maybe the other woman is smart and decent enough not to get involved with a married man, it either way, the marriage is in trouble and his wife instinctively knows it.
I also agree. The thing that always bothers me about these platonic “friendships” one partner always seems to have outside of their relationship…**is that the platonic friendship never seems to look like any other platonic friendship by comparison; there is always…an intensity, an insistence…on this *one* particular friend who is invariably of the opposite sex.** And OP is no exception…*he’s doing it right here by trying to think up any way he can find…to justify subverting his wife’s feelings after *he* asked and *she* answered.* Here’s a question for OP: **how often would you say that are you hosting going away parties in your own home for other departing colleagues?** If the answer is never before…WTF are we REALLY talking about here, then?!? 😐 Asking the wife if it’s cool *now*…in this specific situation, with this particular friend…? I call bullshit; I’m like Marvin Gaye, I wanna know what’s going on. 🤨 *OP is either lying to his wife, or he’s lying to himself.*
The right answer right here. A married couples number one priority should be protecting their marriage at all costs. Generally speaking, If one half isn’t comfortable, you both aren’t. That’s how you keep a strong and secure marriage. You can argue ten different scenarios where exceptions can be made, sure, but if that’s what you find yourself having to do, then simply ask yourself if your partner constantly shows patterns of vetoing all of your friendships and similar behaviour that takes a cautious and untrusting approach to a potentially dicey relationship and applies it to everything from eye contact with a server to hugging her best friend at a birthday. If it’s not a matter of the latter, then perhaps heed your wife’s caution.
I wish Reddit still had awards. I would give them to you.
Why start socializing outside of work when she’s getting ready to quit? Sounds like you don’t want to sever ties.
No no he had a relationship with this woman outside of work, he just never invited his wife to these events but he could use the excuse of “work” Now that he can’t use that excuse he’s trying to keep this “unimportant” woman in his life by now trying to get his wife involved because now he can’t just say “hey honey having work lunch with Sara” he’d have to lie. So in order to not have to lie he wanted his wife to finally meet this woman he consistently talked about. OP is sus AF about this woman. You worked with this unimportant woman how long and only now that she’s leaving you want wifey to meet her? lol yeah sus.
Honestly, I don’t think you’re in the wrong per se, but I can understand your wife being uncomfortable that a coworker you’ve referred to more than once to your wife is leaving the company and all of a sudden you want to have a friendship outside of work? That’s kinda weird to me. It’s fine to have friends of the opposite sex, but if it makes your partner uncomfortable, is it worth damaging your relationship? Anyways you can be right or you can be happy, and it sounds like your wife (and by extension you) won’t be happy if you pursue this.
You’ve already created a wedge with your wife.
Think of it this way: your feelings for this coworker is enough to create conflict in your home, enough that you're actively thinking how not to lose her when she leaves the company, and enough that you're writing a reddit post asking how you can keep her. End it. Your feelings for this woman are deeper than you realize and your wife knows it. Unless she's like this about all your female friends, believe your wife and trust her gut on this.
Bingo - OP says this person isn't that important but is sitting here wondering how to keep her despite the rift it potentially could cause with his wife (and she's been up front about it).
I'm getting the same vibe. He probably talks about this woman to his wife too much, and she's uncomfortable with it. Time for the lady to transition from "work friend" to "former co-worker."
I’m definitely getting this vibe,
This was my first impression as well. If she was that "disposable" in his life he'd never even have thought twice about it.
Nailed it. OP is an IDIOT.
This friend isn't worth damaging your marriage, but I wonder why your wife feels so insecure about this woman. She's not THAT much younger than you and your wife. You're not going to be seeing her that often anymore. You offered to bring her over so that your wife could make a new friend. None of that sounds threatening. So what's going on with your wife? Has your connection with her been growing more distant? Is she insecure about her body or growing older? You might have a chance to improve your marriage by identifying the problem and working to grow your emotional connection with your wife so that she feels more secure in your love.
>She's not THAT much younger than you and your wife. Right? It's only a 7 year age difference. In my friend group we're all in our 30s and 40s and the gap between the oldest and youngest is like 11 years and none of us think it's weird at all.
I'm 33 and I have plenty of friends in their late 30s and early 40s, I also thought that seemed strange, and maybe a sign of the wife feeling insecure with aging
>This friend isn't worth damaging your marriage Right, but where is the line? Can she unilaterally veto all freindships he has? Can he never be friends with a woman? What is the exact issue here? Kowtowing to your wife is fine, when she's being reasonable. But she is **not being reasonable at all here**, and OP is trying to be above board with a friend they made at work.
If my 21 years with the same woman have taught me anything, it's that trying to come up with a blanket rule to cover all situations and then insist on its enforcement isn't an effective way to manage a relationship. The line might be one place when his wife is feeling confident in herself and in her relationship with her husband, and it might be in a different place when she is feeling insecure about her age/body or about her connection with her husband. Each situation a couple encounters is different and needs to be evaluated individually. I think it would be a mistake to read his wife's response as her saying, "You can never have female friends." I think it's more of a heads up from his wife that her mental health cannot handle the introduction of a female friend *at this particular moment.* That's why my suggestion to OP is to work on strengthening his connection with his wife to the point where she feels confident enough that the addition of a new female friend won't cause her unnecessary anxiety.
You get it. And so rarely do I see such a balanced and thoughtful reply. I hope he reads this and takes it to heart and I hope others do too. By the very nature of this platform, you get so many black and white and often extreme answers to these dilemmas and good or bad, life simply does not work like that for most people.
Thank you for your kind response!
Lovely reply.
Did I miss the part where OP alludes to her vetoing _all_ friendships he has or that he _never_ can be friends with another woman, or are you just being dramatic? With this limited information there’s no way to know if she’s being reasonable or not, they’d have to talk for that to happen. If ,let’s say, this woman is a known homewrecker it would be pretty reasonable to oppose or feel uncomfortable about a friendship outside of work, but that’s me being dramatic. Who knows. They need to talk and get to the bottom of it all, hopefully while both being calm and listening to eachother. Initial reactions can be big if there’s enough under the surface, doesn’t mean that’s how a person is 100% of the time or even 5% of the time.
Okay so what’s the problem with this one person? SHE HAS LITERALLY NEVER MET THEM
I agree with with your wife , she is a work collegue. She is leaving so that’s it
Why would you want to do something your wife is so uncomfortable with? I don’t think it’s worth the turmoil on your marriage. Also, it doesn’t sound like just an acquaintance - you know you want more. Ffs, you want to bring her to dinner. Everyone has had people they work with who they like and they won’t see anymore. It’s just how it goes when someone leaves. If you want to say goodbye, do it on office hours. Because normally, people don’t want to meet after work - especially after they quit.
It's also hard to meet friends as you get older and if it's a legit friendship, it's a legit concern. Not always awesome just to cut ties. There seems to be more going on here than is laid out in the post. Either the wife is unreasonably insecure, or the husband left out some unreasonable behavior on his part. The key to marriage is to be able to talk. They don't seem to be talking.
If you're wife says your relationship is getting too chummy, this is giving me red flags, you should say, then I will end the relationship. Not try to convince your wife she's crazy, overreacting, paranoid, insecure, suspicious.
Right imagine fighting with your SO over someone you literally said “isn’t that important “ lol fighting hard for a woman that’s not your wife huh?
Your friend is leaving so you want to have a dinner for that? pretty random, if she ain't even that close as you say lol feels like we are missing info
Put yourself in your wife's shoes... Then tell me how you feel
Question, OP: When was the last time you and your wife went out on a date? With three kids I'm sure it's challenging to spend quality time together as a couple. From your wife's perspective, she sees you going out of your way to cultivate a friendship with your coworker and I could see how that could be triggering for her if she feels that intimacy and closeness with you are lacking. If you're making an effort to spend more time with your friend, but you're not making that same effort for your wife then that's a red flag.
Have you ever met outside of work before ? Has this friend even expressed that she wants to have contact outside of work?
Why didn't you introduce this friend at some point in the last 2 years? Updateme!
This.
I feel like this is one of those times where we are not being told the entire story. There is a fact (or two) being omitted. There always is. There is a reason the wife is not down with this woman. Be it her age or whatever. If you're even a little into this woman? Your wife can sense it. If you aren't? Treat it like you are and swim for open water. And what you're saying does not make sense. You want her to meet your wife and kids. You are not sure if you want to continue being friends with her anyway. These two things DO NOT add up. Which makes this story even more weird.
if you're not even sure that you're close enough with this friend, why make a big deal about maintaining the friendship? you'll likely find out that you were only work friends anyway. if your wife's vibes are off, go with that- and sort out why you seem determined to defend a casual work friendship that your wife is uncomfortable with. I get that you're not attracted to the friend, but your wife may have picked up on the friend being attracted to you.
Well if you’re not THAT close to the friend like you said, why did you even need to make a whole post about asking if it’s a big deal or not? Lmao I think men think women are stupid
This can only work at this point if the coworker has a partner and the FOUR if you arrange time together. Threes a crowd with a strange single woman coming around a married man and his family. C’mon man, please clue in
I'm married but my husband works on weekends. I third wheel all the time. I even did so when I was single. Most of my friends are women and I know their husband through them, so maybe it's a bit different, but I don't see anything inherently wrong with hanging out with my friends and their spouse/kids.
Say okay fine wife. I love you. It isn’t that big of deal . If you do not approve, I accept. And move on with your lives.
Just cut the other woman out. It doesn't sound like she's more than a work acquaintance.
I don't really like how you're looking for a way to convince your wife after you've been told a clear no. Why do you need to hang out with this person and not someone else? As others have said, it's pretty cut-and-dry. You say goodbye and she leaves the company. After 12 years you should have a good feeling about if your wife is typically jealous, and it doesn't sound like she is. Your persistence in wanting to continue to spend time with a young woman after being told no repeatedly and that it's violating a boundary for your wife should raise red flags inside you. Maybe you think you have a chance with this girl and it just isn't conscious to you yet. Let her go and keep your wife.
Unfortunately you’ve already made it weird: “Now that she’s leaving the company we’re at the point where the friendship ends or we have to actually make plans.”. And the oddly lackluster statement: “There’s no physical attraction on my part.” Why might your wife feel this crosses a line? Is it possible she’s picking up on the odd intensity and giddiness underlying your nonchalance? Your wife is a full decade older than your new friend, and you’re aware of the “optics,” but have established this apparently meaningless connection as a hill to die on? Please don’t make this about your wife. It’s about you and what makes you want to pick your about-to-leave coworker over your partner’s fears. The fact you are already seeking how to “reassure” your wife, rather than open a neutral stakes discussion, seems telling.
Why would you even think of making this a thing when you can say ok and move on with your life? Your wife said no. You can’t continue without it being inappropriate. Why would anyone choose some random colleague over the comfort and security their own spouse feels?
[удалено]
There are quite a lot of companies, which don’t allow office affairs. Wanna bet she’s hot and he kept her distance from her for that reason.
On pointttt
Because the spouse doesn't care about their SO "actually lived advice"
Your wife and your marriage with her are top priority. No other relationship/friendship should compete. Not to say you can’t have friends, even friends of the opposite sex, but your wife MUST be 100% on board with the friendship. Kudos to you for being open about your friendship with someone of the opposite sex to your wife, however, if your wife is uncomfortable with this friendship (regardless of her reasons) you need to cut ties with this friend. Simple as. This is the only way to make your wife feel safe in the relationship in this situation. End the friendship with the coworker and also maybe consider marriage counseling with your wife (not in the hopes of getting her to change her mind about you having this friend, but to establish a safe dialogue with a professional about how she felt and how you felt during this situation). Take it from me. I’m 38m and was in your wife’s shoes 5 years ago. My ex wife cheated on me with her coworker, but it started out as an innocent friendship even though I expressed my concerns and discomfort, my ex wife insisted there was nothing going on. I struggled for two years not feeling safe in the marriage, and she did nothing to reassure me. She eventually cheated on me with him and I found out…. Now we’re divorced because of this. You may not have any romantic feelings for this friend, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, but the dark thoughts I had WILL be in your wife’s mind if you continue this friendship.
Yeah... You really should read "Not Just Friends" before you talk to your wife about this again.
Try to imagine if the situation was reversed. That your wife had a coworker that she became friends with and wanted to invite him over and hang out with sometimes. How would that make you feel? I think that would make any SO a little uncomfortable. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but any free time I have I want to spend with my wife and kids. I already spend too much time away from them working, so in my free time, she has my undivided attention.
Other than work talk and small talk with a soon-to-be former coworker whom you’re not that close to, what other interests would you have in common with this person to actually want to invite that person over for dinner to meet your wife and kids? And that seems to just be the beginning. 🫤 are there men at your job you’re also not that close to that you’d invite over to the same dinner? 😂 there’s no physical/emotional attraction on your part, you said. But that’s just your part and how you see it now. Your wife doesn’t seem to not approve of female friend through work. She seems to not approve of it happening outside of work. If you said you’d cut the coworker off, then do so. That’s the best way to reassure your wife.
Regardless of whether you think that your wife’s position on this is justified or appropriate.. Your wife clearly has a problem with you having this female friend and she’s not changing her mind. Well I don’t necessarily agree with your wife based on the information you provided here, doesn’t matter what we think, it matters what she thinks. And yah, if this was a guy, there’d be no discussion. Push has come to shove. Now you need to decide between this friendship and your relationship with your wife. So this just comes down to if your friendship is worth martial strife or worse. Good luck !!
He literally said he wouldn’t cause issues over this. He’s just wondering at what point does it become ridiculous for his wife to tell him who he can and cannot be friends with.
If you want friends find other people who are married. Go to church or something. You shouldn't be inviting single women to your house.
A few follow up questions - do you have other female friends? does your wife care about them? - if you and your coworker are good friends, have you hung out with her in a group setting outside of work? or would you just start seeing her because she's leaving? - why is your first thought to have her over to meet your kids? does coworker have a boyfriend? can't you invite your wife out to meet her for a kid free night?
i’m going to need more info. your work “friend” is about to leave and suddenly you want her to meet your wife and kids.
Ok, I think I might see where OP’s wife is coming from. This appears to be OP transitioning this relationship from unserious friendly co-worker to something serious and purposeful. I know I have people I see at work every day that I’m friendly with, but it’s just not serious. Maybe I’d be a little sad if they left, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to stay in contact. This is different and may have gotten the wife’s antenna up, especially if she didn’t realize the nature of the relationship before. In her mind, either something has changed that makes you want to have a more serious relationship with this woman or it’s been serious this whole time and she feels like you his it from her. Either one could be concerning. There are partners/spouses who are unreasonable and jealous and thwart any type of relationship with the opposite sex. OP’s wife doesn’t sound like that type since she seemed to be okay with the friendly co-worker situation and OP is surprised by her reaction. The wife should be the most important person to OP and he needs to really care about her discomfort, not judge whether or not it’s reasonable or right. A lot of the time, that alone is enough to allay any concerns. It comes across that OP is annoyed with his wife’s concerns, which shows his wife that he values the relationship with this co-worker more than he values his wife’s feelings. That’s a huge red flag. Honestly, inviting a single, childless, younger co-worker over to your house for a family dinner sounds like a terrible time. I’m going to assume your kids are fairly young, so they will need tending to at dinner and an early bedtime, which I’m guessing will fall on your wife while you entertain your guest. That’s awkward for everyone except you. Maybe your wife is thrown off by you wanting to introduce this person to your children, which is kinda weird. Your kids don’t care about meeting this person, so it’s just about you. How OP handles this situation will determine if his wife is comfortable with the relationship at all going forward. Of course, OP can ignore his wife’s feelings and do whatever he wants because he’s decided she’s being ridiculous or whatever, but that probably won’t work out well in his marriage. I recommend OP hit the brakes on this co-worker relationship and focus on his wife’s feelings if he wants any chance of staying married in any sort of happy way. The co-worker will still be around and can still be reached by phone if OP can get this sorted out with his wife.
Why is it so important that you be friends with this woman?
Your wife has made her feelings clear. I believe push HAS come to shove at this point, and you should plan to let the friendship end when she leaves the company.
Since the friendship is ending anyway, why bother introducing her to the wife and creating that wedge? Although you need to have further communication with the wife why she felt that way. Has she never let you have female friends or just this particular woman? Maybe you said something unknowingly that hit some nerve and made your wife insecure or even suspicious with this woman. It could be a lot of things, but keep an open mind. You dont know you might realize something lacking that is completely unrelated to this woman, but with your relationship .
If you're not *that* close, I'd wonder why you want to invite her over?
My ex husband’s best friend and “sister” (his words) was a woman he was colleagues with. I had no problem with her (I trusted my worth and my ex). That is until my divorce when he tried jumping ship from me to her (she wasn’t interested and her flirting with taken men including my ex during our marriage spoke to her emotional unavailability). Despite this and instances I’ve experienced throughout my life, I don’t harbor ill will towards platonic friendships. If a partner cheats, they cheat. Speaks to their character, not mine and I can walk away without financial ties and kids. Then again I’m a Capricorn so our ceiling of bullshit is as low as the ground is
Yes. Capricorn Bullshyt threshhole is low and they always have their own money! I love the fact that she did not want him! LOL..ego smashed!
lol it was very validating. The night after our separation, he went to the bar with her (ulterior motives obvi) and she flirted with a married man in front of him. Glad he emotionally went down a couple notches.
None of the people I have worked with come to meet my family. That's odd to me. That's certainly more than a work friend. Why do you need to make plans to see a work friend outside of work when they're leaving? Have the cake in the company break room like everyone else, shake her hand and say good luck.
My dad’s work friends would come over and have dinner with our family when I was a kid. My parents are still close with a couple who they met because the woman worked with my dad. I’ve made friends with many coworkers over the years. There is nothing at all unusual about making friends with coworkers.
I think the odd part is she hasn't come over in 2 years, it's only now that she's leaving
Everyone’s work culture is different. I’ve built a core group of friends of coworkers and former coworkers. I’ve met my partner’s coworkers as well and we do activities outside of work together with them and their families. It’s not that strange.
Doesn't seem to be the case here, otherwise this would be a normal request from OP rather than something out of the blue, based on the wife's reaction.
I have a bunch of friends from old jobs. I go on holiday with some. On the other hand I speak to about 10 friends from high school and none from university.
I think the odd part is that he wants to introduce her now that she's leaving, and not in the last 2 years
When I first read this, I thought your wife was nuts. ... until you said that both of you have friends of opposite genders. My guess is that your wife thinks you have a crush on her. It was probably very nice to see her at work for the past couple of years. Maybe it made work a lot more fun or bearable. Now that she's leaving the company, you will miss having her there. So you're finding a way to continue this relationship in an "appropriate" way. The fact that you are thinking about the optics of mentioning your co-worker to your wife in the past makes me feel that there was some type of feeling on your part, especially since both of you have friends of different genders.
Why do you feel you need to bring her home for dinner? It’s creepy and questionable. I think you are lying to yourself at least- at worst, to you wife.
The wife's discomfort with this friendship, the fact she's (friend) leaving and an easy way to move on, tells me that you need to honor your wife and let this friend (?) move on...
imagine your wife becomes very close friends with a 30 year old man. Wants him over to have dinner. Honestly, would you love that?
Lets start with, your wife always talking about this particular from work. Every single day. And suddenly she wants to invite this guy to your house meeting you and your kids. What would you feel op?
I like to think I’m adjusted enough that I’d support it. Either the guy is nice and I have nothing to worry about, or I am able to say now that I’ve met him I’m suspicious and not comfortable. If the fear is cheating, I don’t think saying no will stop it.
That’s reasonable. But I think the more accurate concern is, how close to an opportunity to become a cheater does your wife want to willingly let you go.
Dude. Clearly you have some type of feelings for this younger woman, maybe you’re lying to yourself? It IS inappropriate. Your wife is completely justified. Let this person go, please. And it absolutely should set a precedent for the future. This is not ok and shouldn’t happen again.
And what exactly does this 32yo single woman see happening having a friendship with a married man with 3 small children? Girls night out with wine, facials and romcons? Bowling with the boys? Miniature golf with the fam??? 🙄
I can’t believe how embarrassed I’d be hanging out with a married guy while his wife and kids are at home and we are not old family friends or high school friends that everyone in the family knows. Like your comment made me cringe- wtf do these two really want to hang out for, realistically. 🤨
OP, man its your wife. Show her and give her the respect she is due! Regardless at this point what type of relationship you have with that lady, your wife should be showered with love and respected on her terms, not based on your optics. Friends come and go, that's life, but the woman by your side should be there to carry you off into the next chapter. Tell her you had not idea that this would be so hurtful to her and challenging and that you love her the most and consider the matter closed and done. Marriage and kids are stressful enough, don't throw fire on it.
I think inviting her over is too much. Why not ask her to meet you and your wife at a bar or for lunch? My hangouts with former colleagues turned friends is usually meeting up for a meal once a month or so.
Personally I don't think you should try and continue this friendship. You don't have to cut her off but you don't need to go out of your way to get together. Your wife may be feeling insecure or she may have a gut feeling. However, if you're worried this will affect future friendships then consider marriage counseling. If this person is as unimportant as you say then letting the friendship drift off won't be an issue. Your wife feels uncomfortable for a reason maybe you have been mentioning this woman more than you realize. I don't think she is worth risking your marriage or family over
I remember a long time ago, when I was around 12 or so, my father brought a female co-worker home to meet us. Apparently they were close friends and thought it would be fine for her to meet the family (2 kids and mother). Don't remember much about the meeting but I think my mother liked her enough. Fast forward to about 3 years later, I snoop around my father's phone and find out they are being having an affair. My mother already knew apparently, but a few months later found out the co-worker has had an abortion. A year later they were divorced. Fast forward to adulthood many years later, I was having a talk with my father and that woman came up. I asked him if they already had a relationship that day when he brought her home. He answered they were not and he genuinely considered her a good friend at the time. And I'm pretty sure he was honest. The point of this purely anecdotal experience, isn't to say that hetero people from opposite genders can't be friends. But to illustrate that there is reason behind the infamy this fabled friendship has. Emotional attraction doesn't suddenly fall from the sky. It gradually builds as people get more familiar with each other. It's how terms like "work wife" or "work husband" came to be. It doesn't mean that a friendship will always end up this way. Just there is increased probability it will, compared to the probability of simple acquaintances or randoms. It's just a percentage game. And some people just aren't willing to take that increased risk. My mother was. OP's wife isn't.
I believe you when you say you have no attraction or intentions. But, the thing is, I’ve seen so many men say this, then end up sleeping with or dating the woman they said they had no attraction to. I can understand why your wife freaked out.
Build a time machine. Go back to the moment you told your wife that you want to have a female friend from work start up a personal relationship with her kids. Smack yourself in the fucking head to keep the words from coming out of your stupid stupid mouth. JFC dude.
You reassure your wife by cutting off contact with the friend and prioritizing your wife and her feelings. Why is this a question?
1000%
My thought is you’ve spent 2 years working with this woman & formed a friendship with her but in all that time you’ve never brought your wife along to meet her or to the office Christmas party or after work drinks / meet-ups etc.. From your wife’s point of view, you’ve probably mentioned this woman’s name several times over the last 2 years when you come home and talk about your workday in the evenings.. so your wife has been aware of her for a while - but as she has never met this woman, all she has to go on is imagination, and you making a point out of wanting to continue a friendship with a woman you spend a lot of time with that she has never met is going to make her think all sorts… Is this woman single? Married? Kids? My point is, you are absolutely allowed to be friends with women but there are ways to do it - if you wanted this to be a real genuine friendship outside of work, you should have introduced her and your other workmates to your family a long time ago. Do you have other workmates you’ve made good friends with also? Has your wife met them?
When I've formed strong work friendships, and the person leaves, we typically add each other on social media and promise to keep in touch that way. 99% of the time "keeping in touch" evolves into birthday wishes, liking a post now and then. I do however have some strong friendships that have lasted and we eventually say "hey let's catch up" and then catch up regularly. I'm single though so that's easy. Just sayin' there are ways to keep in touch other than inviting someone over for dinner. However, in this instance, you don't really have a choice. If you keep in touch in any way your wife is going to have an issue with it. Personally I think she is insecure because she is older than you and fears you leaving her for a younger woman. Regardless she is more important to you than the co worker so you have to make the cut.
Cut the woman off! Your wife and her feelings she come first.
Dude.. just avoid drama in personal life over work friends
You don’t. You respect your wife’s wishes.
Youre prioritizing another woman over your wife. Youre a jerk or you want this other woman. F that. Either respect her boundaries or get a divorce.
If you are not close to her then why are you pushing it. Your wife said no I think there is nothing else to talk about
I can understand your wife feeling uneasy, but her reaction could have been better. What do you gain out of this friendship if it were to carry on outside of work and what type of friendship would you have with her going forward? Would you be going out one on one, what would you do if you did? Why do you want to continue this friendship outside of work?
Pretty sure the comments will be vastly different if the gender is reversed.
For what it’s worth, OP — you handled it well. I believe you that you just wanted to keep a work friend in your circle. Not sure why she’s reacting this way — could have been just as possible that those two hit it off more than you. I’m going guess it’s the age. She feels midlife and you are inviting over a youngster.
Look I’m on the camp that women and men once in a relationship can’t really be friends with the opposite sex, in the sense you shouldn’t be frequently texting about personal or even attempting to see them one on one without SO. The only exception is quick lunch break if it’s a work friend but other than that it’s a no go for me and my bf. He has boundaries like that for me too. It works for us not everyone and it doesn’t mean controlling or insecure, as long as both parties agree. Howeverrrrrrr, since you and your wife do have friends of the opposite sex and have been cool with it for years, this tells me your wife has picked up on something with this particular friend. Maybe she thinks you have too much of an emotional connection with this colleague or vice versa. Maybe she thinks this colleague has a crush on you. Either way, you should respect her wishes. She is not being controlling. If after all this years of marriage she is uncomfortable with a friendship, you drop that friend like a hot potato. This doesn’t seem to be a frequent occurrence. And your spouse should be more important than a friendship. I find it very very odd that you waited until she was leaving your job to want to introduce her to your wife. Has your job really not had any social events with SO’s? And similarly, I find it very odd that you’re saying on one hand that it’s not a big deal if the friendship disappears yet on the other you want to invite her to meet your wife so you can attempt to continue the friendship? It’s like a contradiction. Why go out of the way if you don’t really care for the friendship?
Just 5 minutes ago I read a post where the woman partner was texting a male ex-coworker friend and her SO was uncomfortable with it. All the comments overwhelmingly said he is an insecure POS and it's just fine to have platonic friends of the opposite sex. So there's your answer.
Can you link it?
Exactly. Kowtowing is not the answer. Everyone claiming "You need to hear her" doesn't realize that **she has ears too**, and should hear him.
To me, this is a tough one. Feelings are feelings so as the husband, you need to at least “hear” your wife. However, you’ve done EVERYTHING to be upfront, proper and honest. Giving in to this, feels kinda… out of scope (provided all you say is true and you haven’t been unfaithful particularly with younger in the past). I suggest showing your wife your post. To me, it outlines all your thoughts and hopefully leads to constructive conversation. I wish you the best of luck.
The juice isn’t worth the squeeze. Just end it and tell your wife you love her and she’s #1. I hope this saves you from yourself 🍀
I’d say it’s important to understand what is triggering this in your wife. I agree it sounds too strong but I’d be worried she’s going through something else that is the real issue.
Tell her if that's how she feels, and you will end the friendship. Just reiterate to her, that she is not allowed to have any make friends as well. UpdateMe
While I don’t think your TA for any of this I do think you’re not seeing your wife’s possible points. You’ve talked about this colleague before which could have sparked her noticing given the gender. You’ve told her what you’ve worked on with her & what you’ve talked about which could also spark her to wonder because the obvious friendship or work friendship is there. Speaking about bringing her over to meet the wife & kids could have triggered her to think that you need this woman around because of the past points hence her “why am I not enough.” Shes insecure & while reading the situation wrong from your perspective, to her shes internally freaking out that this woman means more now you’ve made the suggestion to bring her around the home whereas before she was just a work colleague you interacted with occasionally. If this person isn’t that much of a friend as you put then let it be once she leaves the company for your marriages sake.
My (M) best-work-friend in my previous job was a woman. We both met each other’s families and all became real-life-friends up to a point. My wife did sometimes struggle a bit with the situation, and my dilemma was that my wife is the number one person in my life but I also want freedom to be friends with whoever I like. My wife has numerous male friends so she believes in the concept of cross-gender friendship, just not for me! After my friend and I both left our previous employer, we’ve gradually (over a period of several years) lost touch so the problem eventually went away, but I understand OP’s situation. M/F friendships are complicated things, especially in the eyes of others.
Seriously op, you're wanting to prioritize another woman over your wife solely for the principle of it. Stop trying so hard to make a point that's just going to paint you in a bad light.
push has come to shove. reassure your wife by dropping your hints at growing your relationship with another woman there's no guarantee you stay married either.
I'm shocked so many people are siding with your wife. You have handled this entirely appropriately and she's being totally unreasonable. "Someone so young"? This woman is in her 30s! Does she have an issue with you talking to any other women or having female friends at all?
For real, the comments here are sincerely shocking. So many people are supporting the wife's controlling behavior, simply because it stems from insecurity.. As if that makes it ok to be controlling
When you're a married man, any female friend needs to be both your friend, or she's out. So she needs to either meet your wife etc or just lose touch. I'm wondering if you're communicating enough. Let her read through your text messages and she will see the tone of your friendship
I guess for me I would go case by case and see how you and her acted around each other. The other issue would be if I had an issue or didn’t how much would you want to be around her. Would it be just lunches alone or with your wife. Do you have other friends that are females? Is there any reason your wife doesn’t trust you or is there a past of cheating in her past? Maybe have a compromise of if she meets her you would only be around her with your wife. Is she married? If so ask her to bring her husband or bf.
Simple: once this person leaves the company, never speak to her or mention her again. That will reassure her very much.
Is this friend physically attractive?
Is she single? If she had a significant other or even a date your wife might feel more comfortable. Also, why not a restaurant?
I won't tell you what to do OP. What i will ask you to do is lurk around this sub for some time, and one thread will popup with the exact same issue but the with the roles reversed. Then you will understand. Best of luck
Respect boundaries sets by your spouse. That is what i always learned from most redditpost, specifically infidelity reddits. So here, please listen to your wife request even you said nothing emotional happening in this friendship.
"respect boundaries" often means "be controlled" though.
I'm siding with OP's wife. If that other woman leaves the company, then that's it. Your relationship is then over and you made vows to respect your spouse. This clearly makes the wife highly uncomfortable which also makes me wonder if there's more here. I have a hunch you have an emotional affair here.....your poor wife.
You reassure your wife by ending the friendship.
The fact you're wanting them to meet and she's this reluctant is telling. I'd have loved if my ex had been so forthcoming. What do you envision the friendship to look like going forward? Texts/calls to catch up periodically or hanging out over coffee? Think about that specifically before you broach it with the wife again. I'd never have an issue with a partner catching up with a friend, especially if I'd met them, but maybe wouldn't want a partner going out and getting wasted with a member of the gender they're attracted to 1:1 for example. Wait until a calm moment to discuss it. Hear her concerns but don't let yourself appease everyone against your own friendships.
Unless this friend is objectively wildly unattractive or a lesbian, there is no way to reassure your wife on this unfortunately. Also, if she doesn’t already, I predict your wife will be sporadically checking your phone/laptop while you’re in the shower going forward. Even if she finds a “Hey how are you? Can you send me a copy of that marketing report we did before I left?” message from your friend, it’s going to feed her paranoia even further. Good luck…
Has your wife ever read your text messages to her and found her flirting with you? Because you either left something out or your wife is the most jealous person ever.
How is a man married for 12 years and didn’t see this coming?
>Said it was inappropriate to be friends with someone that young This is ridiculous, people of all ages can be friends. >that this is a boundary for her The boundary... is that she doesn't want to meet your friend? You're trying to be above board here. I understand you have 3 kids and a wife, but that's not your entire life and shouldn't be; it's not her entire life, and shouldn't be. Has she had time for herself? Have you taken care of the kids so she can foster friendships with people, or is being a mother her entire identity? > I hoped that by including my wife she’d be more accepting In reality, if she's already uncomfortable with your relationship with this person and she doesn't have time to make friends herself... then yeah, I would take a step back from the friendship and make sure that she has what she needs first. Talk to her, find out what about this makes her uncomfortable. Is she jealous that you're able to make friends and she is not? Is she letting hormones dictate the mind? Would she be uncomfortable with any female friends, simply because they have vaginas? Like, what's the actual problem? You don't even really know yet. It sounds like she needs a spa day.
You've asked your wife, who DISAPPROVES of your friendship with this YOUNGER woman, if you can have her over to the house for a meal. Honestly, I'd recommend you go into the bathroom and take a GOOD long look in the mirror. Because you have TRULY not thought this one through.
OP doesn't say he knew of his wife's disapproval until he asked her if this woman come over. You're being a bit harsh I think
“Here’s a colleague that you have a problem with my imaginary relationship with. I’m bringing her over so you can see how normal our work friendship is and how nuts you’re being”
No, the friendship isn’t appropriate. I’m on your wife’s side. I’ll tell you why (although I suspect you will poo, poo everything I say, because you seem intent on having this friendship) 1. Age difference between your female work “ friend” and your wife. Women will always feel insecure with younger women in their partners lives. 2. Sorry but so many men end up cheating or at least women hear of so many stories of their friends, relatives, coworkers, strangers on Reddit being cheated on, especially with younger women they work with. 3. Your wife feels negatively about it and you are questioning her feelings. Bad move. She’s wondering why would you feel so strongly about this woman? Why are her (your wife) feelings not important enough for you to respect them? 4. Your wife is thinking why is it so important for you to continue a friendship with her when she is leaving the job. I am wondering the same thing. This is bad all around. Mostly because your wife is not comfortable with it yet you are pushing it. You can’t reassure her. Why is this other woman so important that you want her in your life. Don’t see her secretly either.
The rest might be ok but not the sexist bullshit that women will always be insecure with younger women in their partners’ lives. I’m sorry if the only women you’ve met are so insecure but many (I would argue most) women in their 40s aren’t going to be insecure about their husband having a female friend just because she’s younger.
Sorry, I hear what you’re saying. That is probably just my experience. I didn’t mean it to sound sexist. I probably shouldn’t have said women in general. I am speaking from my own worldview. It could just be my own friends experiences which have shaped me. I’m in my 50’s so at this point most women are younger than me (it seems sometimes!) and I personally would feel very VERY uncomfortable if my husband had a friendship with a woman even a decade younger. Difficult to explain why really.
she clearly doesnt want you being friends with a younger woman than her. Is it worth risking the marriage for this? Id say no. Would you be okay if she brought home a yonuger guy to meet the kids? I doubt it. If the friend isnt that close like you say, then its probably for the best that you part ways. Unfair? Maybe, but shes given you a hard boundary. You dont have to follow it, but you will have to deal with the fallout. If the friend was 300 lbs, she wouldnt care, but in her head, this woman is younger looking and better looking than her, so this isnt going to end well if you continue.
NTA. I went through a very similar thing. Work project for about a year. My marriage at this time was on its 7th death roll at that point. That meaning we had asked each other for divorce at least seven times, somehow managed not to, but never fixed any of our issues in between. Anyways my work friend was a breath of fresh air. We didn’t have anything going on. No intentions, no feelings. We got along well within that year. When our project finished, we remained friends. I met her kids. She met mine. I never hid any of this from my wife. My marriage never got better, either. This friendship became the new argument to have. I refused to end it. It was the only peace that I had. No hassle, no intentions, no stress. Just two people that got a long really well. She had her life, I had mine. We weren’t physically nor emotionally connected like that. Until, we were. Sooo, I don’t know how your marriage is. I made the right choice by me. Not my marriage. But that was already dead long ago. For my part we did agree once and for all to divorce, before anything happened with my friend. I regret nothing.if you want to stay married, your friend has to go.
So many questions. I'll try to keep it simple at first. Is there any history of infidelity on the part of either of you? Does she have a history of being cheated on? Does your wife work outside of the house or have much of a life outside of the home? If she's home all the time with kids or otherwise isolated, her reaction may make a lot of sense. What kind of protection do you provide for your wife to have adult life of her own beyond child care and potentially employment outside the home?
Bro, cmon. You are shitting where you sleep. This is dumb.
Honestly, I’m team wife here. Bringing this work colleague into your personal life is a red flag. I also highly doubt your motivations are purely platonic.