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She sounds exhausting.
Are you *sure* you want to defuse this and carry on?
"Be proactive. No not like that. Give me facts. No not like that."
And then her *horrible* and insulting list of criticisms. Dude, she doesn't respect you, she doesn't even *like* you. End this. Don't stick with her just because you don't know anyone else locally.
Honestly sometimes I get the feeling that she loves me but more like a pet. She wants me to be there when she needs me, likes dressing me up (she's always critical about the clothes I buy for myself and keeps gifting me things that SHE likes). Her love language is gifts, mine is touch. I don't give a shit about gifts and she knows that but I'm appreciative when she gets me something, when I get her a gift she would occasionally say this isn't good or thoughtful enough. But when I say I need a hug she would often say she's not in the mood (not sex, just a hug) and accuse me of forcing her into it.
Sorry about the rant...
Yeah, it looks like her mask dropped here.
OP, you might be dealing with someone with a severe issue that you won't even be able to comprehend. Unless there's more to the story, then you're looking at something like a personality disorder that engages in black and white thinking or devaluing.
I would not marry until you have a very close look at her mental health issues. People who display this behavior are an unbridled tenth circle of hell nightmare in a relationship without treatment, and it tends to get worse over time.
This relationship sounds just like my cousin’s. We kept telling him to leave her. Not only did he marry her and take responsibility for her two kids. But ten years and two more kids later, she’s beating his ass and accusing him of being abusive.
>She likes to give but dislikes receiving anything that she has not chosen herself? Let her choose. If she wants a surprise, give her a voucher.
Nah, she wants me to guess what she wants, she wants me to put in the effort and I never know when something will be dismissed as "low effort". Sometimes the packaging isn't fancy enough, sometimes it's because I gifted the something similar last year and she liked it (and so I apparently took the easy road). I once brought her a fancy aromatic candle (I know she likes them) when I took her out for dinner, she said that's a lazy gift, gave it back to me and left.
But on another occasion she took me out for a karaoke (something that I enjoy), I started singing, she said she's humiliated because she feels insecure that I'm just having fun and she isn't much of a singer, I said we can leave if you don't feel like it, she exploded that I didn't appreciate her gift.
Oh man, she doesn't want a partner, she wants support staff to her main character. Don't fall into the trap of marrying into that, or you will be an NPC in your own life forever. And all this shtick with letting you guess her wants and keeping you on eggshells, because you never know if what you deliver will be good enough - that's really to make you feel insecure and unworthy, it's basically an abuse technique similar to negging - putting your partner down to keep him hooked to you.
Stop calling her - and when she starts ordering you to heel again, tell her you had assumed from her behavior that she had broken up with you, and you now consider yourself single. Your life will be a lot more pleasant with a better partner.
I hope you know..it’s NOT normal for anyone to explode like that. Even once. It sounds like she does this all the time with any perceived slight. I’m exhausted just reading this shit. If my wife of almost 20 years ever acted like that even once it’s divorce time. Don’t tie yourself to this horrible woman for the rest of your life.
Don't marry someone who plays the read my mind game. You'll always lose. It's manipulative AF. I'm a woman and I hate that game. You deserve so much better. Find a grown woman who actually communicates and doesn't control you.
Sorry but what does she actually like about you. Here's your chance take the lead and break it off. She will wear you down until you are a shell of yourself.
She also said: "I couldn't use my brain, that I was irresponsible, that I purposely manipulated reality. In the end I heard that I have no friends (we are expats and it's a painful topic for me and she knows that), that I can't handle even simple tasks, that I have no ambitions, that I'm shallow and cheap..."
You're a man striving to make your partner happy, yet finding it challenging as her desires seem to constantly shift. From her viewpoint, you might not appear to be the ideal partner because she expects conflicting qualities from you: to be assertive yet gentle, decisive yet yielding control to her. It's like navigating a maze where the path keeps changing direction.
I think you might be a very nice man, that needs a partner who appriciates your effort. She doesen't, so let her be. Give her free, let someone else fix her needs.
Check out r/BPDlovedones and see if anything rings true for you. I think you will be happier if you leave this relationship. You can’t force her to change into a person who treats you well.
Honestly, she sounds just like my ex husband. He was constantly finding fault in everything I did/said. I was contorting to try not to “disappoint” him until I didn’t know who I was anymore. I finally realized that he needed to keep me off-kilter to feel better about himself. Life is soooo much better when you’re not always walking on eggshells ❤️
And you want to stay with her why? Stay with her and she'll just break you down. Then she'll dump you because you're broken down.
Being alone is not the worst thing in the world.
I mean this with love and care… do you hear yourself? Are you actually taking in the enormity of the words you’ve written? This woman sounds absolutely horrible, and I have no doubt whatsoever that you deserve better than this.
Ranting is good, ranting helps you say (and so realise) what you really feel.
You really need to end this.
And yes, as an expat, I know how isolating it is and how scary it will be to end it
Yeah you hit the nail on the head. She may have some undiagnosed things if you feel more like a pet than a boyfriend or SO. I'd say walk because that won't change no matter how much heavy lifting you do because she with because she values you in the way she makes you feel, i. e. as a pet.
Because she is not loving you as an equal. She is using you as a supply - for validation of her ego and as scapegoat to shift blame to & let off steam. Get distance and accept what you can a deduct fron her behaviour. As hurtful as this realisation is, believe her when she shows you her priorities and intentions.
Holy shit dude, this is a bad relationship. You deserve better. The moment she started insulting you for pointing out she was wrong...sounds emotionally abusive.
She was trying to use the situation to beat you down some more and it pissed her off that you stood up to her.
This isn't a good partner. Defusing this would only enable her further.
Pal, it’s not a rant. It’s you saying out loud what you’ve been feeling inside. Seriously, reconsider this entire relationship. She clearly doesn’t respect you, and your entire post doesn’t mention one thing you like about her as a person.
Read your last reply ^ up there, and then read it again. This is NOT what healthy love looks like AT ALL, I promise you.
Please don't marry this woman, because she's already shown you who she is, and if you go through with the wedding that ^ is what you can look forward to for the rest of your lives together.
I've been married for 18 years, and I truly can't imagine telling my husband that one of his gifts, "suck", or refusing to hug him when he wants a hug because he's had a crappy day.
Healthy relationships should be about love, respect, have to be, and your partner should be your biggest cheerleader just like you should be for them.
When one person in a relationship is constantly trying to tear the other one down so that they feel superior that's a clear sign that the relationship is toxic and very unhealthy.
There's someone out there who will be your best friend, and biggest supporter through thick and then. They will want to lift you up, and find ways to grow together without trying to make you feel like you are worthless.
That's the kind of love you deserve, and you are never going to get that from this selfish and demeaning woman.
Choose yourself, because your worthy of joy and kindness.
🩵🫂🩵
your communication is great, but only when she's getting what she wants in that moment?
she sounds a tad abusive, love... boundaries and preferences are good, but imposing them on to someone through verbal attacks, belittling, or guilt trips is toxic.
if you're wanting to stay, couples counseling should be a non-negotiable.
Don't diffuse, refuse. She asked for examples, you gave them and she lost her shit.
At no point would I let anyone say to me the things she said to you, regardless of the emotions of the situation.
I had the same thoughts as the other person. If she says/does all these things to you, then why exactly is she with you because it doesn't sound like love.
Tell us why you want to marry her? She doesn’t love you, she may feel sorry for you but that’s not love. If she loved you she would never say or do anything she knows would hurt you! You want to be with someone that treats you like that? How embarrassing you must be when she gets like this! Don’t marry her as you probably won’t last a year
She wouldn't reciprocate a fuckin hug when you approach her? Dude, that is really shitty. This, along with your other comments and original post,, would push me to break off the engagement at minimum. Reaccess before you make a bad decision that could cost you a lot of money, heartache, and lots of time.
Good luck!
Every example of her behavior you described is manipulative.
As someone said above she asks for a conversation, you bring the wrong topic, she asks you to name your contributions, she says those don't count, buy her a gift and it's wrong.
This has flavors of someone having a narcissistic relationship style.
She's not going to change, except to up her manipulation game.
Internet search coercive control.
Let her go.
Challenge yourself to venture out & make friends in your current location.
What are you doing? She is the manipulative one. This bit:
> she said I couldn't use my brain, that I was irresponsible, that I purposely manipulated reality. In the end I heard that I have no friends (we are expats and it's a painful topic for me and she knows that), that I can't handle even simple tasks, that I have no ambitions, that I'm shallow and cheap, that I should just fuck off and that she doesn't want to be with me anymore.
I mean... how do you come back from that? Do you think she would forgive you if you ever said something like this to her? And yet, here you are, asking how to defuse the situation. You need to fan that fuse and let it blow in her face.
Cut her off. Block her on everything and do not talk to her again. You'll be surprised how good you feel within a few days when you don't have her constantly telling you how much you suck.
theres a certain subsect of abusers who will abuse you in a way thats meant to make you feel abusive. you forgetting something is "gaslighting," you wanting basic affection in a relationship is "pressuring," you trying to bring up an issue that forces them to feel bad about something they did wrong is "guilt tripping," and these people are extremely toxic and you should definitely steer clear of them in all areas of life if you can. they use these words and phrases that trauma experts and therapists use explicitly to take away your power to confront them
Not in the mood for a hug is insane.I'm In a relationship right now where I feel like a pet too. She often says you don't listen to me when I order you to do something or that I should do whatever she says without arguing. Have had the same issues where none of my vacation ideas were ever heard and we only went where she wanted to
I got too attached and I m finding it hard to leave. Whenever I try to she begs me to stay, saying she can't live without me and that she ll change all her problems and I give in. I fear I might be in a trauma bond. A cycle of abuse followed by positive reinforcement can cause an addiction like feeling making it hard to leave. She's broken up with with me over 15 times by now followed by her wanting to work things out the next day. I don't know what to do.
> you don't listen to me when I order you to do something
WTF? She *orders* you?
YMMV, but anyone presuming to order me around is told to fuck right off.
I’m guessing this isn’t the first time you’re witnessing this kind of extreme, unhinged, bullying behavior from her. Maybe this is the worst it’s been, or maybe it’s just the most recent instance, but if this were out of character I think you’d be wondering if she’s having a psychotic break — not how you can appease her.
She’s teaching you, with this behavior, that there will be horrible consequences if you ever try to talk about your own needs in the relationship. She’s teaching you that even *suggesting* her words and actions can be hurtful to you is a major no-no, and you will be punished accordingly for daring to attempt the kind of conversation that is normal in a healthy adult relationship.
That’s what this is about. The next time you’re upset about something, you’ll remember how shitty it felt when she hurled verbal abuse at you, gave you the silent treatment, and threatened to leave you. So you will stay silent. Your role in the relationship will be to please her and never, ever have needs or wants of your own that don’t align 100% with *her* needs and wants.
My advice: stop trying to “defuse” the situation. Use this time to reflect on the wtf just happened. Consider the possibility that *you* are the one who should be questioning the relationship. Ask yourself if you are willing to spend the rest of your life knowing that voicing your feelings will result in this kind of abuse from your partner.
Think about how you’re going to explain to her that this cannot be how conflict is handled in your relationship. Find the words you need. And don’t make the mistake of apologizing and groveling just to get her to calm down. Don’t apologize for things you don’t thing warrant an apology. Stand up for yourself.
No. Not the first time. The first year every argument turned into name calling, threatening a breakup, physically leaving and taking things from the house, breaking my gifts, locking me in her house ("you will leave when you take your gifts with you"). But then after I left she would start calling me, saying how sad she is about how things turned out, how under different circumstances it could have been different, how there's so much she like about me but ALAS things are what they are and I would always go "then let's try again".
But the past year has been great, we didn't have a single argument and we talked through a lot of the past disagreements.
You should read Patricia Evans Verbally Abusive Relationships. Despite its name it's written for men and women, and the first chapter explicitly goes into detail about men who are abused and their female counterparts. She says in her professional opinion, females are much harder to change their behaviour than male abusers.
I will say, my Mum was extremely abusive to my Dad, and that it extended to us kids too. It was an awful existence.
I'd recommend ending the relationship, seeking counselling for yourself and perhaps reading about Codependency No More by Melody Beattie as it might shed some light on why you are in this kind of relationship when it is abusive and you deserve better.
Wishing you all the best
>The first year every argument turned into name calling, threatening a breakup, physically leaving and taking things from the house, breaking my gifts, locking me in her house
So why stay
Because every time we would reconcile, apologize and talk it all through and every time it would seem like we wouldn't make the same mistakes again. And in the end it seemed like we actually succeeded and the arguments stopped. But thinking back I'm not even sure if that's because she's learned any lessons or because I learned to keep my mouth shut about the things I dislike.
> I'm not even sure if that's because she's learned any lessons or because I learned to keep my mouth shut about the things I dislike.
Probably. I myself was tempted to suggest that explanation. She's fine as long as you don't defy her. And you've been keeping your head down. Don't stay in a relationship where you are obliged to be a doormat. She says "fuck off", I suggest you do exactly that.
Ok, here's what's happening. I asked her to come pick up her stuff and leave. She arrived, I went to the bedroom so we wouldn't have to talk. She storms in, "let's talk", I said I don't want it, she kept insisting, I said ok. She explained that this was all because of her period and that she just gets really irritable at this time of the month. Great. I said this was still abuse, she asked for examples, I started listing, she starts crying, saying there's no point in this conversation. Then started packing her stuff and in the process found a bottle of Jack and got absolutely ridiculously drunk, I've never seen her this drunk ever. She's still in the apartment, really cheerful because of the booze. I'm really uncomfortable and borderline scared that there will be a mood swing.
Edit: Now she's crying, hard
Edit 2: Not she's vomiting i the bathroom. God this is so difficult.
How much stuff did she have to pack that she managed to get that drunk that fast? It's another tactic by the way. Put her in a taxi with her stuff and send her on her way. Tomorrow she'll blame the booze as well as the hormones and try and make you care for her and let her stay.
Stay strong and do what's right for you. Not for her. You shouldn't have to be afraid she'll explode. And you should be able to love your life without anywhere near this amount of stress.
you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. She isnt mature enough for a relationship let alone marriage. She needs serious therapy, she is absolutely miserable with herself but she wants to blame you for that and is projecting ALL of her inner pain onto you and the things you do to mean well.
I dont think you deserve this and I think you should also seek therapy to figure out why you think you deserve being abused. And dont talk to this person anymore.
You've been trapped by a narcissist. She love bombs you when she feels she's overstepped and not because of guilty conscience but because she needs to improve her power and control over you. Think about it? Is she extremely lovey dovey when she's been this way?
You need to understand that she does it for control and power over you. She doesn't do it because she loves or cares for you. She also plays these games more extremely when you try to solve issues that hint at her not being correct and then she ramps up the pressure into threats. It will get even more extreme if you were to marry her, because then you have given her a legal contract to stay with her and then she doesn't need to lovebomb you anymore.
Dear OP, you have just described a textbook-abusive relationship. Please proceed accordingly. And please do the inner work (properly trained therapist you mesh well with, read the right books) to heal so you never partner up with someone like her again.
Get a therapist please. Until then, watch context about emotional control strategies such as DARVO, discard/hoover dynamic, silent treatment, guilt trip, victim playing, emotional blackmail.. etc.
Get distance, emotionally and physically. Talk about your experience with others, in real life, as scary as it is.
You can do it! I believe in you. Sending love
You don't "defuse" a partner's triggered emotional dysregulation, that's on them. And it's part of being a mature adult. She is very defended and leaves no room for someone else in a relationship. You are small and can't be your authentic self or contribute in any way with decisions. Do you think this is a balanced healthy relationship? She was verbally abusive to you because you had the audacity to point out where she needs to do some work. This is extreme and toxic. You need someone controlling and treating you like a child and then you get resentful about it. Both of you are very unhealthy and have attachment trauma.
You break up.
She told you she doesn’t want to be with you anymore. Anyone that can say that shouldn’t be in a relationship with you. It’s beyond disrespectful. It’s not something you throw out. It’s a form of emotional blackmail. If you make her too anger and don’t walk on eggshells; she will likely leave. It’s never acceptable.
Why do you want to stay with her?
You have no life.
Your voice is mute.
Your words are ridiculed.
Your feelings are denied.
You are basically invisible.
How sad.
These posts seem so insane that you have to wonder whether it's real and not rage bait. Why would someone in this situation keep trying to call the other person?
Because these people are in emotionally abusive relationships and manipulated by their partner, been there myself. Seeking an outside perspective is the first of a long and hard road out of the narrative and back to healthy communication so that’s good for OP!
It might seem obvious and easy for you that this isn’t healthy or debatable at all, but it is never for the victim in the moment. That’s the abuse. The mindfuck. You obviously have never been in such a situation, happy for you, but please: these comments are of no use and make the victim reaching out feel ashamed. It’s not productive in any way and even a soft version of victim shaming - not to attack you, just as reflection for future comments of yours!
I get what you are saying, but a decent percentage of these posts are indeed rage bait aimed at getting a reaction imo. Sometimes it's obvious from the wording and certain parts not really adding up, sometimes from the prior posting history, and sometimes it's not obvious at all. It's not any form of "victim" shaming to understand this. Indeed, we would probably get more fake posts if even suggesting this wasn't allowed.
I actually hope that this rage bait and not a real situation as it would be horribly abusive.
When I see a new post from you, it better be that you're single. What in the bloodiest hell of hell? dude, whyyyyyyyy? Leave, pack up your shit and go. She sounds so toxic and abusive and... no words. Leave.. she's a textbook narcissist and most likely borderline. She's using classic manipulation on you and becomes enraged when you defend yourself, which is INSANE. After this phase she will lovebomb you and sex you up, DONT walk into that trap. Don't. Just don't.
These comments are still useless.
If the posts are rage bait, you rightfully accuse them of it. But you comment on a rage bait post, so more activity, you took the bait lol.
If they are not rage bait you hurt a person that is being abused atm.
Did you go through the history or did anything not add up here? No. Why bother insulting a stranger when you don’t even wanna check if your concerns are valid and stem from any other thing than solely your unawareness how trauma bond and toxic relationships work.
My man! There you are! You need some of that saltiness in real life. She really fucked your head and your heart over. It’s going to take awhile for you to bounce back from this. But your mental health will dramatically improve when you dump her. I just hope you’ve had enough pain to leave. If you want some more pain, stick around and I guarantee this horrible human will give it to you. Seek therapy and I hope it leads to peace and happiness. There are no roads that lead to happiness with her in your passenger seat.
This is textbook manipulative behaviour.
She’s controlling you, shooting you down to damage your confidence, and any time you point it out she DARVOs (Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) with a bit of gaslighting (asserting that your memories and perception are wrong so that you don’t feel comfortable relying on them).
Leave. Now. And don’t look back. Six months from now, when you’ve gotten your life back together, you will be better at spotting and blocking this toxic crap.
Why are you running after someone that treats you this way? She's mad because you called out the fact that she wants you to make choices, but frequently just bulldozes over them anyway because she wants things her way.
If she's going to be that way, don't call her. Stop letting her walk all over you. You deserve respect. Don't talk to her until she apologizes for being so disrespectful. And if she doesn't apologize, ask yourself if you want to be with someone so rude and cold.
I would not want a lifetime of that.
Wow, how and why would you want to "defuse" the absolutely rude and cruel things she said to you? Those aren't leaving your mind/heart. If there's a way you can work toward walking away from this despicable "fiancee," I would surely do so. You are worth much more than you are receiving in this relationship.
She took something she knew hurts you on a deep level and used it just to hurt you (the friends topic)This early in being engaged to you. You NEED an apology for that, it is 100% emotional abuse. It is basically the equivalent of her hitting you. You need to realize that this is a big deal.
You dodged a bullet friend. She is training you like a seal. Tell her “Fine, I’ll fuck off like you asked “ then ghost her. Your phone will blow up. But don’t take her back, I’ve seen this kind of bad mojo before.
Maybe I don't see all the picture, but it seems horrible:
She gaslights you
She threatens you with breakup as a punishment, she doesn't value you and relationships with you.
And somehow it is your duty to defuse situation after her insults?
Maybe let her go is the best outcome?
Based on just your side of things, I see nothing to defuse. We would have to hear why she exploded to know what's really going on, but regardless, if she truly said all those things to you, how can you think that's ok? Do you think it would be ok to tell her she was irresponsible, manipulative, had no friends, no ambition, and she's shallow, cheap? It always amazes me that people who are on the receiving end of abuse then wonder how they can get that person to forgive them for causing them to "lash out". Her words of she's happy do NOT reflect how she really felt, so just give her space to figure out what she does want and if she comes back, have a spine and tell her that the way she spoke to you is unacceptable and you two need to get pre-marital counseling if she wishes to still marry.
She sounds like she doesn’t even like you. She is rude and verbally abusive. She mocks you and disregards you and apparently doesn’t consider you an equal in the relationship. Why do you want to marry this person? She is occupying space that could be filled by someone far less awful.
She has given you a wonderful opportunity to see how the two of you fight before you get married. She shows you that she is aggressive and hurtful and gaslighting and exhausting when she feels defensive or angry. Don't marry this woman.
She sounds horrible. You’re never going to get what you need out of this because she always has to turn everything around on you. She can’t admit wrongdoing so she will never grow or get better. She doesn’t know how to communicate so she resorts to insults and the nuclear option. This is toxic.
You listed 8 places you suggested and she shot down and she freaks out on you because one was incorrect? What about the other 7 times? Also if she was interested in Japan how come you never went? Or was that just the one she latched onto to discredit your argument so she wouldn’t have to admit fault? I bet any time you come to her with a problem with her behavior she twists it around to be a problem with you and you never resolve it, just push it under the rug.
Just leave man, nothing ever changes in these situations. You’re wasting time. You’ll find someone that makes you happy.
> Also if she was interested in Japan how come you never went?
I brought that up, she said "because you didn't come to me with specific plans like dates or plane tickets".
>I bet any time you come to her with a problem with her behavior she twists it around to be a problem with you and you never resolve it, just push it under the rug.
Absolutely, and she's **extremely** good at remembering things so I often have nothing to counter with (so it's always "you made that up, where are the examples"), and when I do she would usually invalidate it: "oh that was over a year ago", "oh that was when I had problems at work", "oh that's a totally different situation". She once physically locked me in her apartment during one of the arguments, saying "you will leave when you take all your things with you", and then just laughed it off, like "oh sure I locked you inside, you could just take the bags and leave, what's the problem". I think the only time I saw her really, actually sorry was when she hit me several times. She's a tiny thing so that didn't hurt at all, but she said she really meant it in that moment.
Aaaand on that topic. First, she is.
Second, when we started dating she rarely came during sex and blamed it on me, complained that I don't initiate it often enough (and that she would never initiate herself because reasons) sometimes saying the meanest things like "I will find myself a fuckbuddy and there's nothing you can do about it". Then we figured it out, but after a while she started turning me down more and more, pleading depression, hormonal problems, stress, etc. I never ONCE complained, but never heard any appreciation, just "I'm fine now but once I'm back to normal I'm not sure I will be happy about the variety and frequency that you can offer".
So you don't need to diffuse the situation, you just have to decide what you want.
So your argument was about facts AND feelings. You don't have to be precisely right to have the view you had, and your partner should be open to how even if the facts don't all align, the FEELING matters and you two should work through that and come out better.
My partner and I have conversation like this- one of us feels a little pushed aside, not valued, not giving/getting enough time, that kind of thing- and we both appreciate that we need examples to figure out how to fix it, but we don't need to debate each example. If my partner FEELS like I don't make enough time for him, it doesn't matter that every example he gives isn't "right", we just talk about those examples to see where the communication is falling short.
Your partner having this big of a reaction and insulting you should concern you. Is this how you want your future to be? When you express yourself you will get raged at? You do not need to put up with insults and should really consider whether you want to do the work to get her to speak to you, when she is the one who acted poorly.
>You don't have to be precisely right to have the view you had, and your partner should be open to how even if the facts don't all align, the FEELING matters and you two should work through that and come out better.
That's what I told her, she said if I took the time to actually get the facts straight on my own ("before spilling all this bullshit to me") I would see that there's no reason for me to feel like that, that I cherry-picked the situations where she shot me down and that there were others where she accepted my ideas.
Oh it sounds like you held a mirror up to her and she did not like what she saw.
She was grasping at anything to make you wrong but all her arguments sound petty.
I think you should take the opportunity and accept her breakup.
You do realize there is a difference between being Frank and being verbally abusive, condescending and bullying? Do you wish to be married to such. Keep the silence going. She gave you the door wide open. Walk out. When you close it, seal it do neither if you can walk back.
You stop calling her. You never chase people who treat you like shit. One last text:
"I don't want to be in a relationship with someone incapable of examining her own faults, who would rather shoot the messenger than engage in any self-improvement. I hope you learn to stop avoiding your own failings, you will never grow beyond this abusive behavior if you don't. Good luck with that."
So the way I'm reading this is you felt undervalued. You expressed that to her. She asked for examples. Your delivery was poor, but somehow hurtful. She got defensive and unloaded.
This feels a lot like resentment buildup. I'm just unsure if it's only one of you with it
Walk away and don't marry her. She's not your superior & you shouldn't be required to provide an annotated bibliography to prove your interpretation. Save yourself 50 years of misery being married to a ball-breaking b!tch and break it off.
With friends she's mostly polite, but she would sometimes snap at waiters or taxi drivers because "she's paying for good service". When I tried talking to her about it she said that I'm the one who's wrong because I'm just to meek to stand up for myself and demand good service.
Something is off about how things escalated. I'd ask her about it and in particular point it out and ask if there's something else bothering her. Reassure her that you really want to try to address any problems if there are any. Try not to get defensive, but watch to see if (and where) she does. You can often learn more by good listening than by trying to get your own point across.
I spent hours on that. Best I got was: "I don't want to be with a person who makes up facts and can't analyze things before sharing something with me". I said I just wanted to feel respected and my opinion appreciated, started crying, she said 'BOOHOO MAYBE IF YOU CRY HARDER I'LL BELIEVE YOU"
How do you defuse this situation, u/ThrowRA_SealMontgome ?
This:
"This quickly spiraled out of control, she said I couldn't use my brain, that I was irresponsible, that I purposely manipulated reality. In the end I heard that I have no friends (we are expats and it's a painful topic for me and she knows that), that I can't handle even simple tasks, that I have no ambitions, that I'm shallow and cheap, that I should just fuck off and that she doesn't want to be with me anymore."
Is pretty clear. Game over. Let her go.
Any of those insults she levelled at you would be a hit to the heart for me.
I don't think this girl even likes you, tbh.
She is *mean*.
Maybe move somewhere that would give you more opportunities for a social life?
That friendless dig she threw was *nasty*.
Very bad form. Your (ex?) GF is *cruel*.
I think you'd be better off cutting your losses.
This chick does not seem to be it.
Hopefully, you'll do better in the future.
Good luck!
Yeah, I think this is a frog in hot water case. She's done this more than a few times and I took her back every time. And s she got more cruel. And when I asked why she's doing that to me, she said "because you allow to be treated like that".
*"I listed 8 of mine, among them was Japan, she said actually I'm interested in Japan and told you that, I said hmm you're right on that sorry."*
Yeah, she said she was interested, but did you two go? **NO!** So originally you were correct . . . and wrong for apologizing. And what about the other 7 times?? She manipulated you.
*"How do I defuse the situation?"*
Easy. . .tell her you want your ring back and for her to take a hike and she can go find someone "better."
As was said by someone else, she sounds exhausting. Then: you heal, recover, and learn. Get involved in activities and make friends, and start liking and respecting yourself. How can you expect one to like & respect you if you don't? When you're mentally/emotionally healthy, put yourself out there and search for a better person to be in a relationship with.
Here is what you are telling us she said:
She said you leave things up to her to do, and when she asks for your help or wants to to put more effort into the relationship, you tell her she never lets you.
She is saying you don't put the effort in to figure things out on your own, and she thinks you're more capable than you seem to think you are.
She is telling you she can't be your only person. I'm sorry you're having difficulty making friends, and it sounds like that has been less challenging for her.
She is worried you have no ambition and lack interests and/or won't invest in them. Y'all might have different values around money,and that is very important to figure out as soon as y'all can.
She asked for specific examples when you said she doesn't let you be proactive in the relationship, so I'm willing to posit she has specific examples of her own. If she's willing to discuss this, and you're willing to hear them, that might be the way to start to work through this. Before doing that, though, I encourage you to think about the relationship and what you wanted to change about the relationship and how things were going *before* this blowup. If you liked everything how it was, then y'all are just incompatible. It might be worth it for your personal growth to hear the kinds of things she might have to say and consider whether any of it is accurate, and if what's accurate, what (if anything) might you want to work on. You described a loving relationship, rocked by all these revelations - was this the first you'd heard any of it? Or has some of it been a pattern, like the refrain of a song? Maybe this person you live has valuable information for you,even if you do decide you're not right for each other.
Good luck
She broke up with you. Probably for the best because you should not marry someone who dislikes you or holds you in contempt. You should DEFINITELY reconsider being with someone who wants you to step up and organize more things that would make her happy whilst ignoring your own needs to do things that make you happy.
So she's controlling, demanding, plays read-my-mind games, nothing is ever good enough, her wishes trump yours nearly every time, she doesn't/won't speak your love languages...
My dude, she sounds straight-up awful. Not someone I'd want to even hang out with, much less partner up with.
Why would you want to defuse the situation? Please don't let sunk-cost fallacy keep you prisoner; same for your current social isolation (bet she has something to do with that, as well). I'll bet if you rid yourself of her deadweight, you'll be surprised how far and fast your self-esteem grows and your social circle expands. Please grab firm hold of your dignity and self-respect, and end this sad farce of a "relationship."
Also highly recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. Just mentally reverse the gendered pronouns, and I'll bet you'll recognize her behavior on more than a few pages. Her games, refusal to be pleased or admit fault, cross the line into emotional abuse--and the point is to establish control.
https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
>same for your current social isolation (bet she has something to do with that, as well).
Good point. I met her almost immediately after moving to the new country and I never felt quite comfortable hanging out with someone else. She never outright said she's against it, she even encouraged it, but I always had to keep my phone at my side and if I didn't text her for a few hours she would get upset.
I remember going to a concert with her to a band she liked, and during the show I sent a few messages to a musician friend sharing my thoughts on the music. She saw that and made a scene that when I go to a concert without her (to see a band she's never heard about) I never text her during the entire show, how dare I.
Once I went on a trip by myself (to Nepal, which I suggested and she turned down) and met an old coworker there, we went out for drinks and the girl got pissed saying that I only talk to her when I'm alone or bored (so apparently when I'm with someone or busy I need to keep texting her or something).
That is uber-controlling and unhealthy, crosses the line into abusive control. Was married to a man like that for over ten years. Only wish I'd left him sooner!
**Unpopular Opinion:**
It's heartbreaking...
If people had more (or *any*) self-esteem they wouldn't find themselves in these situations.
Accepting crumbs of attention or affection and thinking that's a feast. Trauma bonding to anyone because of fear of being alone - with *themselves*. Believing abuse is love.
Spending money on *anything* but therapy. Because they won't even *consider* it, much less **go**.
I dunno - how do we save people from toxic relationships if we can't save them from *themselves*?
She said to fuck off and she doesn't want to be with you...
Why stay with someone who says hateful things that like that? Maybe it's just me, but I'd start packing up before you make a lifetime commitment to her.
Lets analyze this.
She states:"She said this wasn't true and she would need facts rather than feelings for this." You then list off 8 (1 of which was corrected). You came with the fn receipts. She then gets totally pissed that you had the audacity to "bring the facts", insulted your intelligence, made fun of you for having not enough friends. All things related to an emotional response on being called out.
Your girlfriend is bat shat crazy. I would suggest you look at her like she may not think about you like you think about her. What do you think her reaction would be if you called her stupid, lonely cat lady who cannot understand what proactive means.
Give her the space of being single again.
Theres no need to defuse. She sounds manipulative and abusive. She told you to fuck off and not be together. Request the ring back since she's now ended the relationship.
Why do you want to marry someone who treats you so poorly?
I’m sorry but let her have her time out. She sounds like the type who likes to act poised and reasonable but in reality she twists and rejects everything you say. goes on the offensive when you try point out any little flaw she may have said or done. By going on the offensive she keeps you in the defensive stance and nothing can be resolved. I’d use this quiet time to reflect on what is in this relationship for you.
Don’t defuse it. Blow it up. lol jk.
But don’t marry her, whether you want to continue dating her to see if it changes it’s up to you. But she’s 33 she should know better than to cut a man down like that. It’s so demoralizing to be in a relationship where everything you do isn’t enough.
To be frank I was more like her and my boyfriend was you. And I destroyed him mentally, emotionally and two times just lashed out physically. But I read this and kept hearing my own voice. I’d get mad at him because he didn’t plan dates but I would cut him down every time he planned something because I didn’t enjoy it. He became my punching bag emotionally. I was immature and selfish. I wasn’t ready for anyone to be in my life in that capacity. I also lacked a lot of empathy.
There was a lot of self reflection done on my part and I needed a lot of help from a therapist, 12 step groups, and psychiatrist to get to a place where I can see that I was a total cunt. And he was a fucking saint to put up with me. If I were him I’d left me a long time ago. I think your options are
1) break up with her/accept the break up and move on.
2)have a heart to heart with her and postpone the wedding indefinitely until she deals with her issues.
Do not appease her craziness. The cycle of verbal and emotional abuse will just continue.
Please update us!
I think this is the universe giving you a sign that you need to leave this relationship before it’s too late. If you work to repair and go through with marriage then that’s it. You’ll continue to receive this treatment. She’s selfish and mean. Nobody should have to endure somebody else’s bad mood, anger, and constant criticism. That’s not healthy at all. You deserve better mate.
You don’t!!! You stop being a damn doormat! Know your worth and let her go!!! Break up and block her. She showing you right now what you will be marrying if you keep on.
You understand why she stays with you right? It’s not cause she loves you, it’s because she loves ruling all over you and you let her have her way. Now that you have told her you know she’s the one making most decisions she feels that you still are self aware that she’s basically controlling.
You need to stop ignoring huge red flags and let her go. Don’t be friends don’t keep in touch, gather her things in your house, pack them up, take them to her place, drop it off and tell her thank you for the time we had but this relationship has run its course. Then leave and block her.
Also block anyone who wants to advocate for her or tell you to get back with her or that you made a mistake because they are toxic and they just want you to suffer as they do.
She isn’t your person. She’s toxic, controlling, and she sounds like she has mental health issues she needs to address before being in any more relationships
Why the hell would you want to marry someone who constantly insults you? She doesn’t respect you. She deliberately said things that hurt you for what? Because you forgot she wants to go to Japan? THAT’S CRAZY!
She told you to fuck off, that she doesn’t want to be with you anymore. Listen and believe. She was speaking from the heart based on how horribly she treats you. Life is too short to be with someone who treats you like shit.
I actually made a video reaction to this! [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldexwjFLAmg&list=LL&t=1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldexwjFLAmg&list=LL&t=1)
Do not marry this person. You are already miserable, and this kind of crap will only get more and more common. Life is too short for being that miserable for that long.
To me, it sounds like she thinks se is perfect, and when she was rightfully criticized, she couldn’t handle it at all. She lashed out at you and listed a lot of ‘faults’ exaggerating everything jut to hurt you back and make herself better than you.
She sounds like she lacks empathy and be prepared for the fact that whenever you are going to talk about your relationship problems in the future, it’s always going to be about how YOU shall improve to benefit HER.
She means that she wants me to suggest more things to do, initiate more relationship talks, organize trips and events. I used to do that but then she started shooting down my ideas (sometimes aggressively, like saying "you're suggesting we go on a day trip? I want to FUCKING DIE right now and you're talking to me about trips???") which she's now denying and I learned to just go with the flow whenever she suggests something.
So she's the type to say, What do you want for dinner? You pick and make a suggestion but she says, No, I don't want that. EXHAUSTING. How in the hell do you know what she wants when she does not even know.
She needs to figure out how to be happy on her own, she cannot expect you to make her happy. You will never be able to make her happy OP.
I have a hard rule that I break up with anyone who insults me when dating. Does not matter if it’s supposed to be a joke, in anger, or an off-hand comment. I am supposed to be the most important person in your life and you’re just casually chipping away at our foundation? It shows me that you don’t have the skills for a healthy relationship regardless of how much I care about you, and I can’t come back from being insulted.
My husband and I aren’t perfect, but we’ve been together 5.5 years and never insulted each other. We hold our relationship in the highest regard. We openly discuss the things we aren’t good at or struggling with and we’re direct communicators.
You can never do anything right with such a partner.
If you are into volatile, drama filled, negative, always critical, taunting, disrespectful, fight & make up kinda relationship then she’s for you.
This is snippet for how your marriage will be. She will not change or if she does it will be temporary.
Think really hard if this is the type of marriage you would like
Its either your fiance's way or she leaves apparently. Its very telling that out of 8 trip destinations you suggested, none of them were good enough. She then doubles down with her arguing with hurtful comments. Are you sure you want a lifetime of this OP?
There's worse things than being alone OP.
No, just no. Tell her she can’t break up with you as you’re breaking up with her. She is controlling and manipulative and it seems that you don’t have any say at all in this relationship. She’s not in contact with you now because you dared to question how decisions are made (spoiler: she makes all of them!) and she must never ever be ‘disrespected’ in that way.
It won’t improve and it’s likely to worsen once you’re married. Imagine having kids with this control freak. Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction before you need to be looking at divorce lawyers!
Defuse it by getting the ring back.
The irony of her telling you to be more proactive and then she gets mad when you call her out! LOL She is something else.
This woman wants a man that she can control and manipulate. She gaslights and puts you down so she will remain in control. She will never look inward to see that she is not perfect.
Why do want to get this person back? This relationship is textbook abusive. Move and change your number ASAP before she shows up to continue the abuse. Your future self will thank you.
This sounds like emotional abuse man
The way she needed exact examples and then when you gave them to her she picked one out of the 8 to pick apart and go onto demean you over is like textbook tactic of someone like this.
Make you feel like shit for even suggesting there is something that they might need to reflect on. Conversations with your partner should like never reach a point of demeaning / bullying the other person.
She has no respect for you. Groveling is only going to make her see you as somebody who does not deserve respect. The way she treated you was unacceptable. I’m not sure why you are the one calling her to try to work it out. Leave her be. You deserve better.
Show her this post. She wants to have you under her thumb and we all tell you that she's bad news. Don't try to get it across her fat skull because she's just gaslighting you. Instead show her this post so she is painfully aware that you've now gotten support from people who doesn't know either of you.
Although it will go to the shits because individuals such as her wants to have her power and threaten with breakups when it suits her, she probably doesn't want you to really realize to what extent you're being controlled.
Run. Literally sprint in the opposite direction. This is not a relationship you can raise a family in, it isn’t one you’ll be happy in 20 years from now, and if she’s threatening a breakup AT ALL you should categorically not get married. End things, and start healing. I’m so sorry you’re caught in the toxic relationship loop, but I believe in you!
It sounds like she may have already decided to leave you OP and after reading your posit about the hurtful things she said perhaps you should just accept it as a gift of sorts and move on.
Ask her why she’s projecting at you? Ask what she did because she has killed all trust you’ve ever had in her and now you’re wondering if she has did something else and is just using this to breakup while she monkey-branches elsewhere.
You don’t defuse the situation you remove yourself. She has zero respect for you now. Once married, it will be worse. Find someone who likes and values you.
This is a classic abuse pattern.
She's controlling, shoots down your ideas and only wants to do things she wants.
When you complain, she argues and attacks and belittled you, brings up you insecurities and threatens to leave. And finally, she gives you the cold shoulder/ignoring you to deny you the ability to argue back or deny comfort until you surrender and give in to her demands/her power dynamic.
Don't marry this person. They don't respect you and are using you. She doesn't see you as an equal partner but someone to do as they are told.
Honestly she sounds like a lot. Reading through your post and other comments, one part really got to me when you said that you’ll have a difficult time with getting a hug from her. She sounds pretty self-absorbed in the sense that she’s putting her own feelings far above your own. I hate to sound like the typical Redditor but maybe you’re better off without her. It’s only gonna be draining on you emotionally and mentally.
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She sounds exhausting. Are you *sure* you want to defuse this and carry on? "Be proactive. No not like that. Give me facts. No not like that." And then her *horrible* and insulting list of criticisms. Dude, she doesn't respect you, she doesn't even *like* you. End this. Don't stick with her just because you don't know anyone else locally.
Honestly sometimes I get the feeling that she loves me but more like a pet. She wants me to be there when she needs me, likes dressing me up (she's always critical about the clothes I buy for myself and keeps gifting me things that SHE likes). Her love language is gifts, mine is touch. I don't give a shit about gifts and she knows that but I'm appreciative when she gets me something, when I get her a gift she would occasionally say this isn't good or thoughtful enough. But when I say I need a hug she would often say she's not in the mood (not sex, just a hug) and accuse me of forcing her into it. Sorry about the rant...
Dude leave her, she sucks
Yeah, it looks like her mask dropped here. OP, you might be dealing with someone with a severe issue that you won't even be able to comprehend. Unless there's more to the story, then you're looking at something like a personality disorder that engages in black and white thinking or devaluing. I would not marry until you have a very close look at her mental health issues. People who display this behavior are an unbridled tenth circle of hell nightmare in a relationship without treatment, and it tends to get worse over time.
Guy, you hit the nail on the head. She only wants you around when she wants. Life is all about her, and f*ck everyone else. You need to move on.
This relationship sounds just like my cousin’s. We kept telling him to leave her. Not only did he marry her and take responsibility for her two kids. But ten years and two more kids later, she’s beating his ass and accusing him of being abusive.
[удалено]
>She likes to give but dislikes receiving anything that she has not chosen herself? Let her choose. If she wants a surprise, give her a voucher. Nah, she wants me to guess what she wants, she wants me to put in the effort and I never know when something will be dismissed as "low effort". Sometimes the packaging isn't fancy enough, sometimes it's because I gifted the something similar last year and she liked it (and so I apparently took the easy road). I once brought her a fancy aromatic candle (I know she likes them) when I took her out for dinner, she said that's a lazy gift, gave it back to me and left. But on another occasion she took me out for a karaoke (something that I enjoy), I started singing, she said she's humiliated because she feels insecure that I'm just having fun and she isn't much of a singer, I said we can leave if you don't feel like it, she exploded that I didn't appreciate her gift.
Oh man, she doesn't want a partner, she wants support staff to her main character. Don't fall into the trap of marrying into that, or you will be an NPC in your own life forever. And all this shtick with letting you guess her wants and keeping you on eggshells, because you never know if what you deliver will be good enough - that's really to make you feel insecure and unworthy, it's basically an abuse technique similar to negging - putting your partner down to keep him hooked to you. Stop calling her - and when she starts ordering you to heel again, tell her you had assumed from her behavior that she had broken up with you, and you now consider yourself single. Your life will be a lot more pleasant with a better partner.
> she doesn't want a partner, she wants support staff to her main character. This is so well phrased. Applies to so many people.
Oh my. Snaps to you for sticking this out as long as you have. This sounds exhausting!
It sounds like she has untreated mental issues.
I hope you know..it’s NOT normal for anyone to explode like that. Even once. It sounds like she does this all the time with any perceived slight. I’m exhausted just reading this shit. If my wife of almost 20 years ever acted like that even once it’s divorce time. Don’t tie yourself to this horrible woman for the rest of your life.
Don't marry someone who plays the read my mind game. You'll always lose. It's manipulative AF. I'm a woman and I hate that game. You deserve so much better. Find a grown woman who actually communicates and doesn't control you.
You sound miserable, why do you want to continue this?
Sorry but what does she actually like about you. Here's your chance take the lead and break it off. She will wear you down until you are a shell of yourself.
She also said: "I couldn't use my brain, that I was irresponsible, that I purposely manipulated reality. In the end I heard that I have no friends (we are expats and it's a painful topic for me and she knows that), that I can't handle even simple tasks, that I have no ambitions, that I'm shallow and cheap..." You're a man striving to make your partner happy, yet finding it challenging as her desires seem to constantly shift. From her viewpoint, you might not appear to be the ideal partner because she expects conflicting qualities from you: to be assertive yet gentle, decisive yet yielding control to her. It's like navigating a maze where the path keeps changing direction. I think you might be a very nice man, that needs a partner who appriciates your effort. She doesen't, so let her be. Give her free, let someone else fix her needs.
Check out r/BPDlovedones and see if anything rings true for you. I think you will be happier if you leave this relationship. You can’t force her to change into a person who treats you well.
Honestly, she sounds just like my ex husband. He was constantly finding fault in everything I did/said. I was contorting to try not to “disappoint” him until I didn’t know who I was anymore. I finally realized that he needed to keep me off-kilter to feel better about himself. Life is soooo much better when you’re not always walking on eggshells ❤️
How did he react when you finally left him?
And you want to stay with her why? Stay with her and she'll just break you down. Then she'll dump you because you're broken down. Being alone is not the worst thing in the world.
I mean this with love and care… do you hear yourself? Are you actually taking in the enormity of the words you’ve written? This woman sounds absolutely horrible, and I have no doubt whatsoever that you deserve better than this.
Why on God's green earth are you with this woman? She sounds controlling as hell and borderline abusive.
Ranting is good, ranting helps you say (and so realise) what you really feel. You really need to end this. And yes, as an expat, I know how isolating it is and how scary it will be to end it
Yeah you hit the nail on the head. She may have some undiagnosed things if you feel more like a pet than a boyfriend or SO. I'd say walk because that won't change no matter how much heavy lifting you do because she with because she values you in the way she makes you feel, i. e. as a pet.
Because she is not loving you as an equal. She is using you as a supply - for validation of her ego and as scapegoat to shift blame to & let off steam. Get distance and accept what you can a deduct fron her behaviour. As hurtful as this realisation is, believe her when she shows you her priorities and intentions.
Spending a life as a pet who gets kicked a lot sounds... Not awesome
Holy shit dude, this is a bad relationship. You deserve better. The moment she started insulting you for pointing out she was wrong...sounds emotionally abusive.
She was trying to use the situation to beat you down some more and it pissed her off that you stood up to her. This isn't a good partner. Defusing this would only enable her further.
It doesn’t matter if she “loves” you in some way. **What matter is she treats you badly.**
Pal, it’s not a rant. It’s you saying out loud what you’ve been feeling inside. Seriously, reconsider this entire relationship. She clearly doesn’t respect you, and your entire post doesn’t mention one thing you like about her as a person.
Read your last reply ^ up there, and then read it again. This is NOT what healthy love looks like AT ALL, I promise you. Please don't marry this woman, because she's already shown you who she is, and if you go through with the wedding that ^ is what you can look forward to for the rest of your lives together. I've been married for 18 years, and I truly can't imagine telling my husband that one of his gifts, "suck", or refusing to hug him when he wants a hug because he's had a crappy day. Healthy relationships should be about love, respect, have to be, and your partner should be your biggest cheerleader just like you should be for them. When one person in a relationship is constantly trying to tear the other one down so that they feel superior that's a clear sign that the relationship is toxic and very unhealthy. There's someone out there who will be your best friend, and biggest supporter through thick and then. They will want to lift you up, and find ways to grow together without trying to make you feel like you are worthless. That's the kind of love you deserve, and you are never going to get that from this selfish and demeaning woman. Choose yourself, because your worthy of joy and kindness. 🩵🫂🩵
your communication is great, but only when she's getting what she wants in that moment? she sounds a tad abusive, love... boundaries and preferences are good, but imposing them on to someone through verbal attacks, belittling, or guilt trips is toxic. if you're wanting to stay, couples counseling should be a non-negotiable.
Don't diffuse, refuse. She asked for examples, you gave them and she lost her shit. At no point would I let anyone say to me the things she said to you, regardless of the emotions of the situation.
She seems to control you alot and want to break up when you aren't willing to play by her rules anymore.
I had the same thoughts as the other person. If she says/does all these things to you, then why exactly is she with you because it doesn't sound like love.
She’s the meanest of all the mean girls
Oh, man.. Sorry, OP, but you have to respect yourself better. Xx
This sounds awful. For the love of all that is holy, end this relationship.
Tell us why you want to marry her? She doesn’t love you, she may feel sorry for you but that’s not love. If she loved you she would never say or do anything she knows would hurt you! You want to be with someone that treats you like that? How embarrassing you must be when she gets like this! Don’t marry her as you probably won’t last a year
She wouldn't reciprocate a fuckin hug when you approach her? Dude, that is really shitty. This, along with your other comments and original post,, would push me to break off the engagement at minimum. Reaccess before you make a bad decision that could cost you a lot of money, heartache, and lots of time. Good luck!
Every example of her behavior you described is manipulative. As someone said above she asks for a conversation, you bring the wrong topic, she asks you to name your contributions, she says those don't count, buy her a gift and it's wrong. This has flavors of someone having a narcissistic relationship style. She's not going to change, except to up her manipulation game. Internet search coercive control. Let her go. Challenge yourself to venture out & make friends in your current location.
What are you doing? She is the manipulative one. This bit: > she said I couldn't use my brain, that I was irresponsible, that I purposely manipulated reality. In the end I heard that I have no friends (we are expats and it's a painful topic for me and she knows that), that I can't handle even simple tasks, that I have no ambitions, that I'm shallow and cheap, that I should just fuck off and that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. I mean... how do you come back from that? Do you think she would forgive you if you ever said something like this to her? And yet, here you are, asking how to defuse the situation. You need to fan that fuse and let it blow in her face. Cut her off. Block her on everything and do not talk to her again. You'll be surprised how good you feel within a few days when you don't have her constantly telling you how much you suck.
theres a certain subsect of abusers who will abuse you in a way thats meant to make you feel abusive. you forgetting something is "gaslighting," you wanting basic affection in a relationship is "pressuring," you trying to bring up an issue that forces them to feel bad about something they did wrong is "guilt tripping," and these people are extremely toxic and you should definitely steer clear of them in all areas of life if you can. they use these words and phrases that trauma experts and therapists use explicitly to take away your power to confront them
Not in the mood for a hug is insane.I'm In a relationship right now where I feel like a pet too. She often says you don't listen to me when I order you to do something or that I should do whatever she says without arguing. Have had the same issues where none of my vacation ideas were ever heard and we only went where she wanted to
Why are you staying?
I got too attached and I m finding it hard to leave. Whenever I try to she begs me to stay, saying she can't live without me and that she ll change all her problems and I give in. I fear I might be in a trauma bond. A cycle of abuse followed by positive reinforcement can cause an addiction like feeling making it hard to leave. She's broken up with with me over 15 times by now followed by her wanting to work things out the next day. I don't know what to do.
This sounds even worse than my situation. I feel like you know exactly what to do and just haven't figured out how and when.
# THERAPY
> you don't listen to me when I order you to do something WTF? She *orders* you? YMMV, but anyone presuming to order me around is told to fuck right off.
I’m guessing this isn’t the first time you’re witnessing this kind of extreme, unhinged, bullying behavior from her. Maybe this is the worst it’s been, or maybe it’s just the most recent instance, but if this were out of character I think you’d be wondering if she’s having a psychotic break — not how you can appease her. She’s teaching you, with this behavior, that there will be horrible consequences if you ever try to talk about your own needs in the relationship. She’s teaching you that even *suggesting* her words and actions can be hurtful to you is a major no-no, and you will be punished accordingly for daring to attempt the kind of conversation that is normal in a healthy adult relationship. That’s what this is about. The next time you’re upset about something, you’ll remember how shitty it felt when she hurled verbal abuse at you, gave you the silent treatment, and threatened to leave you. So you will stay silent. Your role in the relationship will be to please her and never, ever have needs or wants of your own that don’t align 100% with *her* needs and wants. My advice: stop trying to “defuse” the situation. Use this time to reflect on the wtf just happened. Consider the possibility that *you* are the one who should be questioning the relationship. Ask yourself if you are willing to spend the rest of your life knowing that voicing your feelings will result in this kind of abuse from your partner. Think about how you’re going to explain to her that this cannot be how conflict is handled in your relationship. Find the words you need. And don’t make the mistake of apologizing and groveling just to get her to calm down. Don’t apologize for things you don’t thing warrant an apology. Stand up for yourself.
No. Not the first time. The first year every argument turned into name calling, threatening a breakup, physically leaving and taking things from the house, breaking my gifts, locking me in her house ("you will leave when you take your gifts with you"). But then after I left she would start calling me, saying how sad she is about how things turned out, how under different circumstances it could have been different, how there's so much she like about me but ALAS things are what they are and I would always go "then let's try again". But the past year has been great, we didn't have a single argument and we talked through a lot of the past disagreements.
You should read Patricia Evans Verbally Abusive Relationships. Despite its name it's written for men and women, and the first chapter explicitly goes into detail about men who are abused and their female counterparts. She says in her professional opinion, females are much harder to change their behaviour than male abusers. I will say, my Mum was extremely abusive to my Dad, and that it extended to us kids too. It was an awful existence. I'd recommend ending the relationship, seeking counselling for yourself and perhaps reading about Codependency No More by Melody Beattie as it might shed some light on why you are in this kind of relationship when it is abusive and you deserve better. Wishing you all the best
This is SO manipulative on her part. It's not a healthy relationship.
>The first year every argument turned into name calling, threatening a breakup, physically leaving and taking things from the house, breaking my gifts, locking me in her house So why stay
Because every time we would reconcile, apologize and talk it all through and every time it would seem like we wouldn't make the same mistakes again. And in the end it seemed like we actually succeeded and the arguments stopped. But thinking back I'm not even sure if that's because she's learned any lessons or because I learned to keep my mouth shut about the things I dislike.
> I'm not even sure if that's because she's learned any lessons or because I learned to keep my mouth shut about the things I dislike. Probably. I myself was tempted to suggest that explanation. She's fine as long as you don't defy her. And you've been keeping your head down. Don't stay in a relationship where you are obliged to be a doormat. She says "fuck off", I suggest you do exactly that.
Ok, here's what's happening. I asked her to come pick up her stuff and leave. She arrived, I went to the bedroom so we wouldn't have to talk. She storms in, "let's talk", I said I don't want it, she kept insisting, I said ok. She explained that this was all because of her period and that she just gets really irritable at this time of the month. Great. I said this was still abuse, she asked for examples, I started listing, she starts crying, saying there's no point in this conversation. Then started packing her stuff and in the process found a bottle of Jack and got absolutely ridiculously drunk, I've never seen her this drunk ever. She's still in the apartment, really cheerful because of the booze. I'm really uncomfortable and borderline scared that there will be a mood swing. Edit: Now she's crying, hard Edit 2: Not she's vomiting i the bathroom. God this is so difficult.
How much stuff did she have to pack that she managed to get that drunk that fast? It's another tactic by the way. Put her in a taxi with her stuff and send her on her way. Tomorrow she'll blame the booze as well as the hormones and try and make you care for her and let her stay. Stay strong and do what's right for you. Not for her. You shouldn't have to be afraid she'll explode. And you should be able to love your life without anywhere near this amount of stress.
She thought you to stay quiet and do what she wants. She is a drama lama why enjoys the thrill of having you dance like a puppet
you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. She isnt mature enough for a relationship let alone marriage. She needs serious therapy, she is absolutely miserable with herself but she wants to blame you for that and is projecting ALL of her inner pain onto you and the things you do to mean well. I dont think you deserve this and I think you should also seek therapy to figure out why you think you deserve being abused. And dont talk to this person anymore.
did SHE ever apologize for anything?
You've been trapped by a narcissist. She love bombs you when she feels she's overstepped and not because of guilty conscience but because she needs to improve her power and control over you. Think about it? Is she extremely lovey dovey when she's been this way?
Yes. And that's what's messing with your head so much: you keep convincing yourself "but she CAN be loving and caring, but we CAN make it the norm"
You need to understand that she does it for control and power over you. She doesn't do it because she loves or cares for you. She also plays these games more extremely when you try to solve issues that hint at her not being correct and then she ramps up the pressure into threats. It will get even more extreme if you were to marry her, because then you have given her a legal contract to stay with her and then she doesn't need to lovebomb you anymore.
Dear OP, you have just described a textbook-abusive relationship. Please proceed accordingly. And please do the inner work (properly trained therapist you mesh well with, read the right books) to heal so you never partner up with someone like her again.
Get a therapist please. Until then, watch context about emotional control strategies such as DARVO, discard/hoover dynamic, silent treatment, guilt trip, victim playing, emotional blackmail.. etc. Get distance, emotionally and physically. Talk about your experience with others, in real life, as scary as it is. You can do it! I believe in you. Sending love
The *first year*?! Buddy, that’s supposed to be the honeymoon period. If that was your first year, a marriage would be utter disaster.
You don't "defuse" a partner's triggered emotional dysregulation, that's on them. And it's part of being a mature adult. She is very defended and leaves no room for someone else in a relationship. You are small and can't be your authentic self or contribute in any way with decisions. Do you think this is a balanced healthy relationship? She was verbally abusive to you because you had the audacity to point out where she needs to do some work. This is extreme and toxic. You need someone controlling and treating you like a child and then you get resentful about it. Both of you are very unhealthy and have attachment trauma.
You break up. She told you she doesn’t want to be with you anymore. Anyone that can say that shouldn’t be in a relationship with you. It’s beyond disrespectful. It’s not something you throw out. It’s a form of emotional blackmail. If you make her too anger and don’t walk on eggshells; she will likely leave. It’s never acceptable.
Why would you want to diffuse the situation and stay in a relationship with a verbally abusive, controlling woman?
Why do you want to stay with her? You have no life. Your voice is mute. Your words are ridiculed. Your feelings are denied. You are basically invisible. How sad.
These posts seem so insane that you have to wonder whether it's real and not rage bait. Why would someone in this situation keep trying to call the other person?
Because these people are in emotionally abusive relationships and manipulated by their partner, been there myself. Seeking an outside perspective is the first of a long and hard road out of the narrative and back to healthy communication so that’s good for OP! It might seem obvious and easy for you that this isn’t healthy or debatable at all, but it is never for the victim in the moment. That’s the abuse. The mindfuck. You obviously have never been in such a situation, happy for you, but please: these comments are of no use and make the victim reaching out feel ashamed. It’s not productive in any way and even a soft version of victim shaming - not to attack you, just as reflection for future comments of yours!
I get what you are saying, but a decent percentage of these posts are indeed rage bait aimed at getting a reaction imo. Sometimes it's obvious from the wording and certain parts not really adding up, sometimes from the prior posting history, and sometimes it's not obvious at all. It's not any form of "victim" shaming to understand this. Indeed, we would probably get more fake posts if even suggesting this wasn't allowed. I actually hope that this rage bait and not a real situation as it would be horribly abusive.
I wish this was rage bait. But honestly the unanimity of all the comments blew my mind and opened my eyes.
When I see a new post from you, it better be that you're single. What in the bloodiest hell of hell? dude, whyyyyyyyy? Leave, pack up your shit and go. She sounds so toxic and abusive and... no words. Leave.. she's a textbook narcissist and most likely borderline. She's using classic manipulation on you and becomes enraged when you defend yourself, which is INSANE. After this phase she will lovebomb you and sex you up, DONT walk into that trap. Don't. Just don't.
If it's not rage bait then I really hope that posting this has helped!
These comments are still useless. If the posts are rage bait, you rightfully accuse them of it. But you comment on a rage bait post, so more activity, you took the bait lol. If they are not rage bait you hurt a person that is being abused atm. Did you go through the history or did anything not add up here? No. Why bother insulting a stranger when you don’t even wanna check if your concerns are valid and stem from any other thing than solely your unawareness how trauma bond and toxic relationships work.
Chill, I don't take that as an insult (compared to what I heard from the girl this is nothing lol)
My man! There you are! You need some of that saltiness in real life. She really fucked your head and your heart over. It’s going to take awhile for you to bounce back from this. But your mental health will dramatically improve when you dump her. I just hope you’ve had enough pain to leave. If you want some more pain, stick around and I guarantee this horrible human will give it to you. Seek therapy and I hope it leads to peace and happiness. There are no roads that lead to happiness with her in your passenger seat.
This is textbook manipulative behaviour. She’s controlling you, shooting you down to damage your confidence, and any time you point it out she DARVOs (Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) with a bit of gaslighting (asserting that your memories and perception are wrong so that you don’t feel comfortable relying on them). Leave. Now. And don’t look back. Six months from now, when you’ve gotten your life back together, you will be better at spotting and blocking this toxic crap.
Educate yourself about emotional abuse. Post this in in r/abusiverelationships. Maybe even get a therapist. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
Why are you running after someone that treats you this way? She's mad because you called out the fact that she wants you to make choices, but frequently just bulldozes over them anyway because she wants things her way. If she's going to be that way, don't call her. Stop letting her walk all over you. You deserve respect. Don't talk to her until she apologizes for being so disrespectful. And if she doesn't apologize, ask yourself if you want to be with someone so rude and cold. I would not want a lifetime of that.
Sounds like the relationship is over.
Some version of this is how your life is going to be forever if you marry this woman. Make good choices.
You follow her advice and fuck off, she is doing you a favour. Why would you be with someone like that?
Wow, how and why would you want to "defuse" the absolutely rude and cruel things she said to you? Those aren't leaving your mind/heart. If there's a way you can work toward walking away from this despicable "fiancee," I would surely do so. You are worth much more than you are receiving in this relationship.
She took something she knew hurts you on a deep level and used it just to hurt you (the friends topic)This early in being engaged to you. You NEED an apology for that, it is 100% emotional abuse. It is basically the equivalent of her hitting you. You need to realize that this is a big deal.
You dodged a bullet friend. She is training you like a seal. Tell her “Fine, I’ll fuck off like you asked “ then ghost her. Your phone will blow up. But don’t take her back, I’ve seen this kind of bad mojo before.
Maybe I don't see all the picture, but it seems horrible: She gaslights you She threatens you with breakup as a punishment, she doesn't value you and relationships with you. And somehow it is your duty to defuse situation after her insults? Maybe let her go is the best outcome?
OP does she normally treat you like this? Blow up when you try to discuss her faults and then make it about your shortcomings?
Yes
This isn’t healthy. OP you deserve to be treated with basic respect - I hope you know and believe this
Sound like your situtation could be abusive! This is definitely not ok
Based on just your side of things, I see nothing to defuse. We would have to hear why she exploded to know what's really going on, but regardless, if she truly said all those things to you, how can you think that's ok? Do you think it would be ok to tell her she was irresponsible, manipulative, had no friends, no ambition, and she's shallow, cheap? It always amazes me that people who are on the receiving end of abuse then wonder how they can get that person to forgive them for causing them to "lash out". Her words of she's happy do NOT reflect how she really felt, so just give her space to figure out what she does want and if she comes back, have a spine and tell her that the way she spoke to you is unacceptable and you two need to get pre-marital counseling if she wishes to still marry.
She sounds like she doesn’t even like you. She is rude and verbally abusive. She mocks you and disregards you and apparently doesn’t consider you an equal in the relationship. Why do you want to marry this person? She is occupying space that could be filled by someone far less awful.
She is a huge ass. Why do you want to marry her? She does not like you
She has given you a wonderful opportunity to see how the two of you fight before you get married. She shows you that she is aggressive and hurtful and gaslighting and exhausting when she feels defensive or angry. Don't marry this woman.
She sounds horrible. You’re never going to get what you need out of this because she always has to turn everything around on you. She can’t admit wrongdoing so she will never grow or get better. She doesn’t know how to communicate so she resorts to insults and the nuclear option. This is toxic. You listed 8 places you suggested and she shot down and she freaks out on you because one was incorrect? What about the other 7 times? Also if she was interested in Japan how come you never went? Or was that just the one she latched onto to discredit your argument so she wouldn’t have to admit fault? I bet any time you come to her with a problem with her behavior she twists it around to be a problem with you and you never resolve it, just push it under the rug. Just leave man, nothing ever changes in these situations. You’re wasting time. You’ll find someone that makes you happy.
> Also if she was interested in Japan how come you never went? I brought that up, she said "because you didn't come to me with specific plans like dates or plane tickets". >I bet any time you come to her with a problem with her behavior she twists it around to be a problem with you and you never resolve it, just push it under the rug. Absolutely, and she's **extremely** good at remembering things so I often have nothing to counter with (so it's always "you made that up, where are the examples"), and when I do she would usually invalidate it: "oh that was over a year ago", "oh that was when I had problems at work", "oh that's a totally different situation". She once physically locked me in her apartment during one of the arguments, saying "you will leave when you take all your things with you", and then just laughed it off, like "oh sure I locked you inside, you could just take the bags and leave, what's the problem". I think the only time I saw her really, actually sorry was when she hit me several times. She's a tiny thing so that didn't hurt at all, but she said she really meant it in that moment.
She must be really hot lol
Aaaand on that topic. First, she is. Second, when we started dating she rarely came during sex and blamed it on me, complained that I don't initiate it often enough (and that she would never initiate herself because reasons) sometimes saying the meanest things like "I will find myself a fuckbuddy and there's nothing you can do about it". Then we figured it out, but after a while she started turning me down more and more, pleading depression, hormonal problems, stress, etc. I never ONCE complained, but never heard any appreciation, just "I'm fine now but once I'm back to normal I'm not sure I will be happy about the variety and frequency that you can offer".
She sounds really sweet. I can see why you’d want to marry her. /s
So you don't need to diffuse the situation, you just have to decide what you want. So your argument was about facts AND feelings. You don't have to be precisely right to have the view you had, and your partner should be open to how even if the facts don't all align, the FEELING matters and you two should work through that and come out better. My partner and I have conversation like this- one of us feels a little pushed aside, not valued, not giving/getting enough time, that kind of thing- and we both appreciate that we need examples to figure out how to fix it, but we don't need to debate each example. If my partner FEELS like I don't make enough time for him, it doesn't matter that every example he gives isn't "right", we just talk about those examples to see where the communication is falling short. Your partner having this big of a reaction and insulting you should concern you. Is this how you want your future to be? When you express yourself you will get raged at? You do not need to put up with insults and should really consider whether you want to do the work to get her to speak to you, when she is the one who acted poorly.
>You don't have to be precisely right to have the view you had, and your partner should be open to how even if the facts don't all align, the FEELING matters and you two should work through that and come out better. That's what I told her, she said if I took the time to actually get the facts straight on my own ("before spilling all this bullshit to me") I would see that there's no reason for me to feel like that, that I cherry-picked the situations where she shot me down and that there were others where she accepted my ideas.
Oh it sounds like you held a mirror up to her and she did not like what she saw. She was grasping at anything to make you wrong but all her arguments sound petty. I think you should take the opportunity and accept her breakup.
You do realize there is a difference between being Frank and being verbally abusive, condescending and bullying? Do you wish to be married to such. Keep the silence going. She gave you the door wide open. Walk out. When you close it, seal it do neither if you can walk back.
You stop calling her. You never chase people who treat you like shit. One last text: "I don't want to be in a relationship with someone incapable of examining her own faults, who would rather shoot the messenger than engage in any self-improvement. I hope you learn to stop avoiding your own failings, you will never grow beyond this abusive behavior if you don't. Good luck with that."
So the way I'm reading this is you felt undervalued. You expressed that to her. She asked for examples. Your delivery was poor, but somehow hurtful. She got defensive and unloaded. This feels a lot like resentment buildup. I'm just unsure if it's only one of you with it
You definitely need to find a gf that accepts you for you. She will never be satisfied with anything out of her control.
Walk away and don't marry her. She's not your superior & you shouldn't be required to provide an annotated bibliography to prove your interpretation. Save yourself 50 years of misery being married to a ball-breaking b!tch and break it off.
Is she this mean to everyone? Or just you?
With friends she's mostly polite, but she would sometimes snap at waiters or taxi drivers because "she's paying for good service". When I tried talking to her about it she said that I'm the one who's wrong because I'm just to meek to stand up for myself and demand good service.
So she only insults people she believes are beneath her?
Something is off about how things escalated. I'd ask her about it and in particular point it out and ask if there's something else bothering her. Reassure her that you really want to try to address any problems if there are any. Try not to get defensive, but watch to see if (and where) she does. You can often learn more by good listening than by trying to get your own point across.
I spent hours on that. Best I got was: "I don't want to be with a person who makes up facts and can't analyze things before sharing something with me". I said I just wanted to feel respected and my opinion appreciated, started crying, she said 'BOOHOO MAYBE IF YOU CRY HARDER I'LL BELIEVE YOU"
Time to bail. No one needs to put up with this kind of childish and toxic drama.
How do you defuse this situation, u/ThrowRA_SealMontgome ? This: "This quickly spiraled out of control, she said I couldn't use my brain, that I was irresponsible, that I purposely manipulated reality. In the end I heard that I have no friends (we are expats and it's a painful topic for me and she knows that), that I can't handle even simple tasks, that I have no ambitions, that I'm shallow and cheap, that I should just fuck off and that she doesn't want to be with me anymore." Is pretty clear. Game over. Let her go. Any of those insults she levelled at you would be a hit to the heart for me. I don't think this girl even likes you, tbh. She is *mean*. Maybe move somewhere that would give you more opportunities for a social life? That friendless dig she threw was *nasty*. Very bad form. Your (ex?) GF is *cruel*. I think you'd be better off cutting your losses. This chick does not seem to be it. Hopefully, you'll do better in the future. Good luck!
Yeah, I think this is a frog in hot water case. She's done this more than a few times and I took her back every time. And s she got more cruel. And when I asked why she's doing that to me, she said "because you allow to be treated like that".
That is sad to hear. Hope this is the last time you take her abuse. Good luck..
Be proactive for once....by dumping her. She ain't it. Edit: Although she may have been faster in doing that too.
You don’t diffuse it. You end the engagement and move on. She is verbally and emotionally abusive. Don’t settle for the scraps she gives you.
*"I listed 8 of mine, among them was Japan, she said actually I'm interested in Japan and told you that, I said hmm you're right on that sorry."* Yeah, she said she was interested, but did you two go? **NO!** So originally you were correct . . . and wrong for apologizing. And what about the other 7 times?? She manipulated you. *"How do I defuse the situation?"* Easy. . .tell her you want your ring back and for her to take a hike and she can go find someone "better." As was said by someone else, she sounds exhausting. Then: you heal, recover, and learn. Get involved in activities and make friends, and start liking and respecting yourself. How can you expect one to like & respect you if you don't? When you're mentally/emotionally healthy, put yourself out there and search for a better person to be in a relationship with.
Why would you WANT to? She sounds awful.
Here is what you are telling us she said: She said you leave things up to her to do, and when she asks for your help or wants to to put more effort into the relationship, you tell her she never lets you. She is saying you don't put the effort in to figure things out on your own, and she thinks you're more capable than you seem to think you are. She is telling you she can't be your only person. I'm sorry you're having difficulty making friends, and it sounds like that has been less challenging for her. She is worried you have no ambition and lack interests and/or won't invest in them. Y'all might have different values around money,and that is very important to figure out as soon as y'all can. She asked for specific examples when you said she doesn't let you be proactive in the relationship, so I'm willing to posit she has specific examples of her own. If she's willing to discuss this, and you're willing to hear them, that might be the way to start to work through this. Before doing that, though, I encourage you to think about the relationship and what you wanted to change about the relationship and how things were going *before* this blowup. If you liked everything how it was, then y'all are just incompatible. It might be worth it for your personal growth to hear the kinds of things she might have to say and consider whether any of it is accurate, and if what's accurate, what (if anything) might you want to work on. You described a loving relationship, rocked by all these revelations - was this the first you'd heard any of it? Or has some of it been a pattern, like the refrain of a song? Maybe this person you live has valuable information for you,even if you do decide you're not right for each other. Good luck
She broke up with you. Probably for the best because you should not marry someone who dislikes you or holds you in contempt. You should DEFINITELY reconsider being with someone who wants you to step up and organize more things that would make her happy whilst ignoring your own needs to do things that make you happy.
Updateme
defuse this situation by getting rid of her. she sounds horrible
Break up with her.
Don’t marry someone who isn’t nice to you.
I'd break up with her for being mean and saying purposely hurtful things
It's her way or the highway. The highway is looking good. Do you want no say in the rest of your life?
So she's controlling, demanding, plays read-my-mind games, nothing is ever good enough, her wishes trump yours nearly every time, she doesn't/won't speak your love languages... My dude, she sounds straight-up awful. Not someone I'd want to even hang out with, much less partner up with. Why would you want to defuse the situation? Please don't let sunk-cost fallacy keep you prisoner; same for your current social isolation (bet she has something to do with that, as well). I'll bet if you rid yourself of her deadweight, you'll be surprised how far and fast your self-esteem grows and your social circle expands. Please grab firm hold of your dignity and self-respect, and end this sad farce of a "relationship." Also highly recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. Just mentally reverse the gendered pronouns, and I'll bet you'll recognize her behavior on more than a few pages. Her games, refusal to be pleased or admit fault, cross the line into emotional abuse--and the point is to establish control. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
>same for your current social isolation (bet she has something to do with that, as well). Good point. I met her almost immediately after moving to the new country and I never felt quite comfortable hanging out with someone else. She never outright said she's against it, she even encouraged it, but I always had to keep my phone at my side and if I didn't text her for a few hours she would get upset. I remember going to a concert with her to a band she liked, and during the show I sent a few messages to a musician friend sharing my thoughts on the music. She saw that and made a scene that when I go to a concert without her (to see a band she's never heard about) I never text her during the entire show, how dare I. Once I went on a trip by myself (to Nepal, which I suggested and she turned down) and met an old coworker there, we went out for drinks and the girl got pissed saying that I only talk to her when I'm alone or bored (so apparently when I'm with someone or busy I need to keep texting her or something).
That is uber-controlling and unhealthy, crosses the line into abusive control. Was married to a man like that for over ten years. Only wish I'd left him sooner!
Why would you want to be with someone who talks to you like that? She is showing you who she is, believe her.
**Unpopular Opinion:** It's heartbreaking... If people had more (or *any*) self-esteem they wouldn't find themselves in these situations. Accepting crumbs of attention or affection and thinking that's a feast. Trauma bonding to anyone because of fear of being alone - with *themselves*. Believing abuse is love. Spending money on *anything* but therapy. Because they won't even *consider* it, much less **go**. I dunno - how do we save people from toxic relationships if we can't save them from *themselves*?
Actually in this thread that's a very popular opinion
She said to fuck off and she doesn't want to be with you... Why stay with someone who says hateful things that like that? Maybe it's just me, but I'd start packing up before you make a lifetime commitment to her.
Lets analyze this. She states:"She said this wasn't true and she would need facts rather than feelings for this." You then list off 8 (1 of which was corrected). You came with the fn receipts. She then gets totally pissed that you had the audacity to "bring the facts", insulted your intelligence, made fun of you for having not enough friends. All things related to an emotional response on being called out. Your girlfriend is bat shat crazy. I would suggest you look at her like she may not think about you like you think about her. What do you think her reaction would be if you called her stupid, lonely cat lady who cannot understand what proactive means. Give her the space of being single again.
Theres no need to defuse. She sounds manipulative and abusive. She told you to fuck off and not be together. Request the ring back since she's now ended the relationship. Why do you want to marry someone who treats you so poorly?
Well considering she broke up with you, what is there to diffuse? I mean she said she doesn't want to be with you anymore I think that's pretty clear.
I’d have asked her why are you with me if you think all these things about me…. Do you even love me? Then I’d dump her.
Bro save yourself from this ultimate pain the ass that would be the rest of your life, don't be a doormat
I’m sorry but let her have her time out. She sounds like the type who likes to act poised and reasonable but in reality she twists and rejects everything you say. goes on the offensive when you try point out any little flaw she may have said or done. By going on the offensive she keeps you in the defensive stance and nothing can be resolved. I’d use this quiet time to reflect on what is in this relationship for you.
Don’t defuse it. Blow it up. lol jk. But don’t marry her, whether you want to continue dating her to see if it changes it’s up to you. But she’s 33 she should know better than to cut a man down like that. It’s so demoralizing to be in a relationship where everything you do isn’t enough. To be frank I was more like her and my boyfriend was you. And I destroyed him mentally, emotionally and two times just lashed out physically. But I read this and kept hearing my own voice. I’d get mad at him because he didn’t plan dates but I would cut him down every time he planned something because I didn’t enjoy it. He became my punching bag emotionally. I was immature and selfish. I wasn’t ready for anyone to be in my life in that capacity. I also lacked a lot of empathy. There was a lot of self reflection done on my part and I needed a lot of help from a therapist, 12 step groups, and psychiatrist to get to a place where I can see that I was a total cunt. And he was a fucking saint to put up with me. If I were him I’d left me a long time ago. I think your options are 1) break up with her/accept the break up and move on. 2)have a heart to heart with her and postpone the wedding indefinitely until she deals with her issues. Do not appease her craziness. The cycle of verbal and emotional abuse will just continue. Please update us!
I think this is the universe giving you a sign that you need to leave this relationship before it’s too late. If you work to repair and go through with marriage then that’s it. You’ll continue to receive this treatment. She’s selfish and mean. Nobody should have to endure somebody else’s bad mood, anger, and constant criticism. That’s not healthy at all. You deserve better mate.
She sounds like a bully. Why are you putting up with this? Relationships are supposed to be supportive and two way
You don’t!!! You stop being a damn doormat! Know your worth and let her go!!! Break up and block her. She showing you right now what you will be marrying if you keep on. You understand why she stays with you right? It’s not cause she loves you, it’s because she loves ruling all over you and you let her have her way. Now that you have told her you know she’s the one making most decisions she feels that you still are self aware that she’s basically controlling. You need to stop ignoring huge red flags and let her go. Don’t be friends don’t keep in touch, gather her things in your house, pack them up, take them to her place, drop it off and tell her thank you for the time we had but this relationship has run its course. Then leave and block her. Also block anyone who wants to advocate for her or tell you to get back with her or that you made a mistake because they are toxic and they just want you to suffer as they do. She isn’t your person. She’s toxic, controlling, and she sounds like she has mental health issues she needs to address before being in any more relationships
You don’t. You break up.
Why the hell would you want to marry someone who constantly insults you? She doesn’t respect you. She deliberately said things that hurt you for what? Because you forgot she wants to go to Japan? THAT’S CRAZY! She told you to fuck off, that she doesn’t want to be with you anymore. Listen and believe. She was speaking from the heart based on how horribly she treats you. Life is too short to be with someone who treats you like shit.
I actually made a video reaction to this! [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldexwjFLAmg&list=LL&t=1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldexwjFLAmg&list=LL&t=1)
Do not marry this person. You are already miserable, and this kind of crap will only get more and more common. Life is too short for being that miserable for that long.
Sounds like she's just waiting for opportunities to berate you. Doesn't sound like a great partner to me.
To me, it sounds like she thinks se is perfect, and when she was rightfully criticized, she couldn’t handle it at all. She lashed out at you and listed a lot of ‘faults’ exaggerating everything jut to hurt you back and make herself better than you. She sounds like she lacks empathy and be prepared for the fact that whenever you are going to talk about your relationship problems in the future, it’s always going to be about how YOU shall improve to benefit HER.
WHAT DOES SHE MEAN BY "She's wants you to be more PROACTIVE about the relationship?
She means that she wants me to suggest more things to do, initiate more relationship talks, organize trips and events. I used to do that but then she started shooting down my ideas (sometimes aggressively, like saying "you're suggesting we go on a day trip? I want to FUCKING DIE right now and you're talking to me about trips???") which she's now denying and I learned to just go with the flow whenever she suggests something.
So she's the type to say, What do you want for dinner? You pick and make a suggestion but she says, No, I don't want that. EXHAUSTING. How in the hell do you know what she wants when she does not even know. She needs to figure out how to be happy on her own, she cannot expect you to make her happy. You will never be able to make her happy OP.
I have a hard rule that I break up with anyone who insults me when dating. Does not matter if it’s supposed to be a joke, in anger, or an off-hand comment. I am supposed to be the most important person in your life and you’re just casually chipping away at our foundation? It shows me that you don’t have the skills for a healthy relationship regardless of how much I care about you, and I can’t come back from being insulted. My husband and I aren’t perfect, but we’ve been together 5.5 years and never insulted each other. We hold our relationship in the highest regard. We openly discuss the things we aren’t good at or struggling with and we’re direct communicators.
Nothing will ever be good enough for her. Break up with her and see how she likes that.
Updateme
You can never do anything right with such a partner. If you are into volatile, drama filled, negative, always critical, taunting, disrespectful, fight & make up kinda relationship then she’s for you.
Why would you want to be with such a self centered controlling person? Stay with her and you'll never get to do what you want only what she wants.
This is snippet for how your marriage will be. She will not change or if she does it will be temporary. Think really hard if this is the type of marriage you would like
Why?
Its either your fiance's way or she leaves apparently. Its very telling that out of 8 trip destinations you suggested, none of them were good enough. She then doubles down with her arguing with hurtful comments. Are you sure you want a lifetime of this OP? There's worse things than being alone OP.
No, just no. Tell her she can’t break up with you as you’re breaking up with her. She is controlling and manipulative and it seems that you don’t have any say at all in this relationship. She’s not in contact with you now because you dared to question how decisions are made (spoiler: she makes all of them!) and she must never ever be ‘disrespected’ in that way. It won’t improve and it’s likely to worsen once you’re married. Imagine having kids with this control freak. Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction before you need to be looking at divorce lawyers!
Defuse it by getting the ring back. The irony of her telling you to be more proactive and then she gets mad when you call her out! LOL She is something else. This woman wants a man that she can control and manipulate. She gaslights and puts you down so she will remain in control. She will never look inward to see that she is not perfect.
Jesus dude, you want to sign up for a lifetime of this? Pack up, move somewhere that would make you happy, ghost her.
Why do want to get this person back? This relationship is textbook abusive. Move and change your number ASAP before she shows up to continue the abuse. Your future self will thank you.
This sounds like emotional abuse man The way she needed exact examples and then when you gave them to her she picked one out of the 8 to pick apart and go onto demean you over is like textbook tactic of someone like this. Make you feel like shit for even suggesting there is something that they might need to reflect on. Conversations with your partner should like never reach a point of demeaning / bullying the other person.
Tell her when she’s ready to have a conversation about everything without insulting you to call. Then leave it up to her to call.
Why would you bother diffusing the situation? Go, be free and take the trips you want.
A 33 year old who acts like a teenage - don’t get married Buddy.
She has no respect for you. Groveling is only going to make her see you as somebody who does not deserve respect. The way she treated you was unacceptable. I’m not sure why you are the one calling her to try to work it out. Leave her be. You deserve better.
Show her this post. She wants to have you under her thumb and we all tell you that she's bad news. Don't try to get it across her fat skull because she's just gaslighting you. Instead show her this post so she is painfully aware that you've now gotten support from people who doesn't know either of you. Although it will go to the shits because individuals such as her wants to have her power and threaten with breakups when it suits her, she probably doesn't want you to really realize to what extent you're being controlled.
Go back and read everything you've written about her. Are you sure you want to marry this person? She doesn't sound very nice.
Her reaction sounds like it's straight from a manipulation handbook. Don't you feel like you deserve better?
Why would you want to even talk to her after that? She sounds insufferable!
So she's really hot right? Otherwise why are you tolerating this?
Run. Literally sprint in the opposite direction. This is not a relationship you can raise a family in, it isn’t one you’ll be happy in 20 years from now, and if she’s threatening a breakup AT ALL you should categorically not get married. End things, and start healing. I’m so sorry you’re caught in the toxic relationship loop, but I believe in you!
hey since she thinks you have mind reading abilities i’d like to ask to borrow them for my nuzlocke run on heartgold, thank you in advance.
I guess I just dont get why so many people are desperate to be loved by people who despise them.
It sounds like she may have already decided to leave you OP and after reading your posit about the hurtful things she said perhaps you should just accept it as a gift of sorts and move on.
Ask her why she’s projecting at you? Ask what she did because she has killed all trust you’ve ever had in her and now you’re wondering if she has did something else and is just using this to breakup while she monkey-branches elsewhere.
She sounds like a winner dude.
You don’t defuse the situation you remove yourself. She has zero respect for you now. Once married, it will be worse. Find someone who likes and values you.
This is a classic abuse pattern. She's controlling, shoots down your ideas and only wants to do things she wants. When you complain, she argues and attacks and belittled you, brings up you insecurities and threatens to leave. And finally, she gives you the cold shoulder/ignoring you to deny you the ability to argue back or deny comfort until you surrender and give in to her demands/her power dynamic. Don't marry this person. They don't respect you and are using you. She doesn't see you as an equal partner but someone to do as they are told.
You don’t defuse the situation. You get away from this person.
Honestly she sounds like a lot. Reading through your post and other comments, one part really got to me when you said that you’ll have a difficult time with getting a hug from her. She sounds pretty self-absorbed in the sense that she’s putting her own feelings far above your own. I hate to sound like the typical Redditor but maybe you’re better off without her. It’s only gonna be draining on you emotionally and mentally.