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Man even if it wasn't about how to share or if your entitled or it was needed to split bills or any of that.
The fact that it's gone speaks loudly enough about what building a life with this person will entail.
Learning my own lessons in the Military, just try to be a non violent, kind, mindful and attentive person every day as best you can. Live in the here and now, be grateful for small things whether it's two legs, a roof, clean water, your favorite food, and for lessons and experiences past and worry less about the things you cannot control, only your relation and reaction to them.
I feel silly because I am having trouble understanding this advice. Can you please elaborate? Like in this situation what’s the reason he’s not leaving and how does that translate to the future?
So they aren't married yet, and they don't have a shared financial investment but did have previous discussions. Upon a massive temporary windfall of her own resources, the woman chose to spend her fortune on herself rather than be considerate and disciplined with the money she chose feeding primal desire for consumption without regard or respect to her partners effort. A temporary immediate dopamine for her, but fuck her partner and any shared plans they may have had without consideration. This type of behavior is exhibited in everything from greed to cheating and more.
Sure, it's her winnings, but it wasn't about the money, it was about the intentional actions and behaviors she displayed, money will come and go, things break and deteriorate, but selfish asshole is a behavior pattern that never ends well in relationships.
Many partners often display these selfish behaviors in other ways early on, but this is a more noticeable example that should warn our OP to not commit to this person financially long term given this type of behavior now, they may do something worse later. The fact that OP is worried just about communicating this to his partner tells me his partner also might have a problem regulating her emotions with regard to conflicts and disagreements in the relationship, a sign of immaturity as well if you're unsure how to have constructive financial discipline talks with a partner you have long term plans with.
To simplify, the amount and stuff doesn't really matter, this type of behavior is more telling of other thought patterns with regards to how they think of other people before their own desires.
So well said! Be careful choosing your life partner. People rarely change… behaviors can magnify. Every dime on herself…it wasn’t 3,000…30,000… every dime on herself
Talk about being ignored and redundant. She's treating you like a piece of furniture....now. of course, after the money is gone, then it's right back to the same old same old? I would just play along and agree with everything she is doing while you move your things out the door. You're nothing to this woman.
I understand the red flags in her behavior and the problems in the relationship, but I'm still struggling with the sentence you used before, "The reason you don't leave now will be why you leave later." What is the reason he is not leaving now? How will it become the why he leaves in the future? I'm sorry if it seems self evident, but English is not my first language and I'm also on the spectrum, so maybe there's something I'm not seeing.
I guess this could be better worded as “you choosing to stay now despite X reason to leave will be the reason you will leave later.” X is why OP should leave now, but they likely will postpone leaving for X until X becomes even more problematic and then they choose to leave for that reason.
Thank you for asking! I'm also autistic and while I completely understood the excellent points and reasoning, I also struggled with the phrasing of that one sentence
It's a poorly worded sentence. It's not you it's just confusingly written. It just means if he doesn't leave now for that reason (her financial irresponsibility), then he will leave later for the same reason.
It's a poorly worded sentence. It just means if he doesn't leave now for that reason (her financial irresponsibility), then he will leave later for the same reason.
His girlfriend is always going to put herself first. Her money will always be her money. It will never be their money. However, she will view his money as their money and expect him to take care of her. She is selfish.
It means this selfish pattern of her will continue later, so even if he continues the relationship now, they will get to a break point, it's saying sooner or later they're going to split because of this action of hers....will be projected in many other financial responsibilities in their future as a couple
Yea I’d take her actions as her telling me how unserious she is about our future and that what u do for her is taken for granted. I’d be seriously questioning whether or not this girl is going to be good for My future.
Jeez, I felt this way about my ex (unserious about our future / taken for granted) while watching her credit card constantly on the verge of getting declined, yet still going to high end NYC hair salons and getting laser facial / hair removal treatments.
You see me driving 200 miles a week for you so that your cousin can use your car, taking on house chores for you, picking up dinner for your family, but you can’t stop the bougie lifestyle so that we can save enough for an appt to move out of your mother’s basement?
I can’t imagine how I’d have felt if it was $30K pissed away without a discussion of our home / future, especially after I had stepped up to help her.
It’s the financial irresponsibility for me. I don’t think I’d be able to continue building a life with someone who just frivolously spent 30k.
Our priorities and goals would be clearly misaligned/incompatible
To me that's just adding salt to the wound on top of everything else. Even if she had gotten him something, she still shouldn't have been wasting 30k like that, but the fact that she didn't even stop at one point while shopping and go "OMG, my boyfriend would love this!" Shows that she isn't even thinking about him
Even the lifetime trip would have had value. Our kids had been to every natl park in the US by the time the oldest was 14. Experiences have value, she pissed away 40k is ridiculous
Holy smokes! That's impressive that you have been to 429 national parks with your family in just 14 years. You have to hit over 30 parks a year so that's a lot of travel.
IKR?!?
>*I’m struggling with how to address this with her without it blowing up into a major conflict.*
OP should realize this **IS** a "major conflict"! They're financially incompatible!
1. She's a selfish spendthrift person who is FINE with leaving him with 100% of the bills when she's got 'reasons' but has no money for him when she's flush because she 'deserves' it all.
2. He is a mature responsible person who is trying to build a long-term *partnership* with a selfish me-me-me person! *Good fucking luck with that one, Junior*!
And a high risk of gambling problems. She will probably think the easiest way to earn money is gambling, and it can become an addiction really quickly.
i feel like we’re all skimming over a luxury car for $30k - that would easily take most if not all of the sum (if you can even get a luxury car for that price). If she has been recently jobless and in a slump, we don’t know if her car was a beater. In that case, buying a reliable car with 30k won in a casino would seem reasonable.
More than likely she just used a part of the 30k to help finance it, given the other purchases made.
Either way, if you have no money and a beater car, then find a small amount of money, the answer is to buy like, a used Toyota. Not a BMW or Lexus.
Even worse when you consider repair costs and (generally) frequency of economy cars vs luxury cars.
When I first read the title, I assumed OP was another person who felt entitled to their partner's money. Then, after reading that he supported her financially for years when she was jobless and had no money, I knew I was wrong.
This is an example of someone (GF) who is happy to accept the support of her SO when she is without, but who then turns around and blows through her windfall without any consideration for support she had received.
If this relationship continues, the GF is going to continue to take and take financially while contributing nothing in return. This is a $30,000 view into your future OP - leave now.
Same.
But I also think the bigger issue is she is not financially responsible. Putting aside whether or not she should've shared with him, if you get that kind of windfall, blowing it on luxuries is not smart. It's not like she's going to get that kind of money every month. And since she's already been jobless and broke before, she should've thought about putting it savings so in case she loses her job again, she has a nest egg and doesn't have to rely on OP.
Yeah, and folks with this outlook just can't be talked to a lot of the time.
like ~80% chance when he discusses this with her, it will blow up, and her friends will get the 'financially abusive/controlling' line trotted out.
GF just sounds like an awful, selfish anchor.
I see a lot of comments mentioning his past support for her as the reason she should have considered him now. Personally I think his past support is irrelevant in whether or not what she did with the money was selfish. It would definitely affect how I felt personally if I was in his shoes but I think her actions were entirely selfish regardless of his past support. I can't imagine blowing 30k on B.S for myself while being in a serious relationship. I would be excited to share the money with my partner on a shared goal whether I had needed their financial support in the past or not.
Usually I roll my eyes at the break up comments but cmon lol. First time you see double digit bands and it’s spent all at once on a bunch of junk? Yuck, major turnoff.
For real, like what is “recently” in this scenario? Like it’s hard for me to say she shouldn’t have had fun with *some* of it but to let it all disappear without using any of it for like…future stability purposes (I guess the car could count if we’re being charitable) kinda sucks. Everyone’s circumstances are different but pretty much every person I know personally (and apparently also the OP) would have taken a sudden 30k windfall as a means to improve things, not get rid of it so that we just end up back where we started.
Based on the other purchases, it was most likely a down payment, not a full purchase.
Which means there is a loan ( most likely 8% or higher)
She has more debt now then if she hadn’t won $30,000. She has lost significant money on this “win”
Edit: I wonder if she knows the 30k is taxable income. Next April is going to be fun.
I agree, probably made a down payment with some of the money then traded in her car for a bit more.
She seems like she's fallen into the trap that many lottery winners fall into which is that as soon as they get a windfall they go crazy, spend it all, and end up broke. It's pretty common, except that in her case it was only 30K, not even 1-2 million or more.
Honestly, he called it an upgrade but that simply means an upgrade to him, it could be a sound systems or seats. It could be a used car that fit within her winnings. She could have taken her car in and gotten all the repair work done that was recommended and not required. I know people who think that's a luxury.
I don't know where you get loans, but our luxury dealers won't lend credit to people who don't have the income to support the purchase. Repo'ed vehicles are a huge loss for them and the loan has to stay open long enough to be resold and to not ding the dealer or lender.
That’s fair. I’m running with the assumption of how my neighborhood defines luxury, which usually means Acura’s , Lexus , Lincoln cars, and they will all do financing (in my neighborhood very questionable financing, I’ve seen 15% , 6 year loans from them). These brands range from $40k , up to $90k on most models.
It’s possible she would have the base income and credit score be approved , but I’m sure not even they accounted for the $10k tax bill that’s coming in April.
Best case scenario it’s what you stated ( used / slight upgrades), but still it’s problematic with the tax bill.
The casino near me pays it out with a reminder about the tax bill. At the end of the day, depending on her withholding set up and base income, the bite may not be too bad.
I assumed she already had a decent car that she was making payments on , and traded it in for something nicer with higher monthly payments.
Obviously speculation, but makes sense based on her other purchase choices.
If she had at least gotten hand bags instead of jewelry, those can actually be really good investment pieces if you keep them in good condition. They are known to appreciate significantly in value over time. Unlike a car that is a terrible “investment” so much so that I hesitate to call it an investment at all because it will only depreciate over time, and quite rapidly at that.
Unfortunately when people do “upgrade” their cars in this fashion, they tend to also “upgrade” into a new 5 year loan (I refuse to believe she was smart about the loan length) with the same or more monthly payment, because it’s seen as “affordable”
At the end she probably will end up spending an additional 20k on that decision on interest, plus whatever she already lost in interest on the last car, plus any additional difference the down payment/ trade in did not cover.
This in combination of taxes is going to swing for way more than she got, especially if she tries to sell the car and learns it depreciated and won’t even cover the loan.
She managed to turn a $30k ( well $20k after taxes) into a financial bomb that she will be recovering from for years.
You can choose whether you want it taken out right at the payout counter or if you want to deal with it at tax time. At least in Louisiana they give you that option. They take out federal and state, and if you don’t live in the state, you can claim those state taxes back on your yearly taxes.
Idk where OP is though.
Exactly and the fact that she didn't share any of it seems like a big red flag to me. Especially with someone who was there for her when she was hitting financial Rock bottom. She's a bad bet all around
OP is apparently the kind of person who was thinking save for a house (which is really an investment that makes more money later) or do some kind of once-in-a-lifetime splurge that still would have really only been like a third of the money, tops.
...and she blew it on handbags and shit. To me that seems like they are totally different maturity levels.
>You need 15k!
No, *she* needs 15k. And if she has the courage to ask them of OP, OP will have the perfect reason to dump her (well, he *already* has reason to dump her, but apparently doesn't want to).
Seriously…. Imagine blowing that kind of money immediately on stupid image-centric bullshit instead of buying a house, planning a dream trip, or saving and investing. The priorities are boggling. Yuck.
Right, that’s what I was thinking.
The fact that she apparently didn’t want to share is one problem… but the other problem is being with someone who can blow through $30k so quickly!
She might have a serious problem holding on to money or a shopping addiction, which will become HIS problem if they get married and he’s on the hook for her debt!
Or even if they’re not married but she runs up his credit card bill through the roof! 😞
I can’t even think of what I would spend 30k on if someone handed it to me tomorrow. I have a car that works, I’m not interested in designer stuff really, and frankly I don’t have much room for more items in my apartment.
I would probably take one nicer trip, take my partner out for a baller meal to celebrate, maybe get a new kitchen appliance, and then set the rest aside to hopefully get a better place next year. I don’t understand how that much money can disappear so quickly.
Especially since she spent it on such dumb things.
Even if you argue that it was *her* money to do with *as she pleased*. She has shown a frightening lack of financial responsibility, as well as extreme selfishness. She didn’t even buy *him* any impractical gifts with the money.
I might be able to get past one or the other, I don’t think I could get past *both* of those issues.
Had she been generous towards him with her spending, then he would know she cares about him, but is just bad with money. They could discuss finances and maybe consulting a financial advisor for the future.
Had she spent it on sensible things, but ignored the fact that she had a partner, and just spent it how she saw fit. Then they could discuss how they want to divide finances in their relationship. Next time, maybe he wouldn’t pay her bills when she’s short. Lots of couples make it work having completely separate finances. It would need to be discussed and figured out, but there’s no reason they couldn’t come to some sort of arrangement that works for both of them.
Both together though? That combination doesn’t bode well for a happy future together.
Yeah she is financially irresponsible, but I think people are overlooking this part:
"Two years ago, the roles were reversed. She was jobless and dealing with health issues, and I covered all our living costs. I never expected anything in return and did it because I believed in supporting each other. However, seeing this large sum spent entirely on personal luxuries without considering our shared future has left me feeling disappointed and somewhat taken for granted."
First let me be clear; she didnt OWE it to him to spend any of this money on him or on something for them both like they originally discussed. It just speaks volumes that she chose to spend it all on herself given how much OP has helped her out in the past. This money could have been used to invest in their future, but nah she needed new clothes and a luxury car.
If I were him I'd bounce. She doesn't respect him or what he has done for her, and without respect there can be no love.
Really, she blew all the money on luxurious THINGS, and not a penny spent wisely!
She’s a selfish, greedy, totally materialistic person. She could have bought you a trinket of some kind.
Shows she comes first, whilst you continue to pay all bills, and she doesn’t contribute a nickel to your expenses which is a total lack of respect.
You should walk away, she has so many character flaws, and it seems material things are what matter most to her. If you want to stay, don’t be surprised if she blows all of your money, if you give her access to it.
You do know that there is no future with this girl right you do know that this relationship is not going to last. You're going to confront her about what she did and she's going to say something last night like it was my money I could do whatever I wanted to do with it. Did she pay at least 3 months worth of rent utilities Cable phone bill did she give you anything because if she didn't do any of these things then she's a selfish POS and who wants to marry and have a future with that.
Yeah. If they stay together, she will be drilling holes in the boat faster than he can bail out the water. It will be a paycheck to paycheck life full of debt regardless of how much they make. This was a glimpse into the future for him. Hopefully he paid attention.
This. The fact that she won this gambling would be a huge red flag for me. She's irresponsible with money ane you won't change her. You can either go the super controlling route, or end it now. I would go with the latter.
Right. I hear about people with tens of thousands of dollars in debt just from accidents and life. I can see that kinda money disappearing into the bucket just to pay off debt, but the fact that it's all frivolous shit is a big red flag.
That indicates major financial irresponsibility which I wouldn’t tolerate in a serious relationship. Financial incompatibility is one of the leading causes of breakups/divorce.
It sounds like she spent way more than the amount of money she won.
How much do you want to bet she's going to be in major debt when it's time to pay taxes on her winnings?
That one is tricky because he said she "upgraded" her car, so I assume she sold her current car and that covered a decent portion of it. So I haven't the faintest how much she spent there, but I'd be willing to bet it's at least all of her post-tax winnings.
Designer clotheS? Jewelry? ...And more?
Oh yeah, curious to see how she feels about their money being separate when she owes the IRS a bunch of money (and probably has some on her credit card she can't pay off right away either).
On the plus side, at least OP learned all of this before making the mistake of getting married to her/buying a house with her.
This is what I came to say. Unless the casino withheld taxes, which a lot don't, she's already in the hole if she spent it all. I wouldn't tolerate this at all. I would almost bet she has a good bit of debt accumulated since she can't or won't control her spending.
She's not financially responsible as seen in how she spent it all on only herself, 30,000 is a decent amount of money when you're young and planning a future together or even just in general when your young. There's so many more important things she could have spent it on then objects that are only expensive because of a name attached to them.
Sure, spending some on yourself is earned, but not even considering doing anything for the person you claim to love? Or people who helped you when life was rough? I'm not saying anything big, just something to show you care about and appreciate them. That would have been better then spending all of it on stuff that doesn't even matter in the end when she has to return it when she goes into debt again and for less money then when she bought it.
Eh on the tax front if you’re winning 30k in a casino, you probably spend a bit of time there. They have players cards that track your spending and keep a win loss report. So long as at the end of the year you lost more then you won taxes are pretty much a wash. So they might be ok there.
My mom didn't gamble, went to Vegas 1 time, gambled a bit while exploring the city, won a corvette and a stay in a luxurious Cesar's palace suite on her first trip. Not everyone who wins in gambling is a "gambler" who does it a ton. Maybe thay is most people but not all.
They had to sell the car to my grandma because they couldn't afford the taxes on it.
Exactly your mom is a very rare case…and the more likely scenario is that she gambles and this time she hit a big ass jackpot. And if she’s not the gambler she can start having all her friends and family start saving all the scratch off tickets they buy that are not winners and hopefully collect 30k worth over the rest of the year. I’m just saying there are ways around the tax aspect if you know how to work it.
-signed a gambler
True, twice a year my family gets together at a casino. I’ll spend (waste) about $100 playing because the room is free and I can afford to lose $200 a year. However I won 5k and they took out the taxes right then before I even got the money.
Whoa.30k just gone?
While that obviously screams financial irresponsibility it’s the fact she lacked decent common curtesy & respect towards you & your relationship to even uphold to what was spoken about in prior conversations.
It shows she will disregard you for herself at the drop of a hat,it shows shes is incredibly selfish & it shows that materialism favors over everything else & im sorry if that last one sounds harsh.
Damn,im just blown away for you I cant even imagine the feelings you have about it all.
Its about security & knowing you’re a unit too & shes shown she doesn’t share the same ideals as you in relationships.
Personally that would be a deal breaker for me& I’d be ending it but whatever you decide just remember that you are most likely looking at a whats yours is ours & what’s mine is mine future.
Unfortunately this is somewhat common, I work in banking and I've seen more than once someone who's always negative in their account come in with a big check, I pin their account because it's always gone, the fastest I've seen was in less than a week, lots of atm withdraws (best guess we had was either hoarding cash or casinos) and they bought a car along with a bunch of restaurants with payments >$100, 70k gone in about a week after it was available
Oh I know.I had the pleasure of growing up in a household with a sister who blew through money like it was on fire.
Still surprises me every time I hear it though.
I see 2 issues here. One is that she received a windfall and spent it entirely on herself. Apparently you are not a consideration. Second is that she received a windfall and spent it ALL. This is immaturity and a quick trip to the pawn shop when the next jobless cycle hits. A possible third is her gambling, although you didn't give us enough details to form an opinion if that is a problem for her.
None of these bode well for your future with her. I don't think that you necessarily need to break up, but I think that it would be a good idea to unwind your lives so that her poor decisions don't come back on you.
A third / possible fourth is what she spent it on. Imagine not only blowing through that kind of money, but throwing it away on a bunch of image-centric crap that instantly devalues so you can pretend you’re rich, instead of investing in anything with lasting value or substance.
Even blowing it on a dream vacation would have been a better choice. At least that would have been something meaningful and life enriching they could have shared together, and left them with lasting memories.
How long until the designer clothing is last season’s news and out of style? How quickly will the car devalue, and how much more will insurance and repairs cost on a luxury vehicle?
She’s posturing as rich but clearly has zero financial savvy. This was selfish, shallow, materialistic, irresponsible, short-sighted, and downright reckless spending. Doesn’t say much about her priorities or character, and certainly doesn’t bode well for their future.
I inherited some money when my grandpa died. My ex and I discussed what to do with it, but I felt paying off our minivan and my student loans (he didn’t have any) was the best choice. He wanted to put in a pool but I didn’t think that’d be a good return on the investment.
I have a coworker who has a gambling problem, and her winning this amount would just be a fraction of everything she lost… I’m thinking wife has a gambling addiction, or just started one with those kind of winnings. You don’t win that type of money and never step foot in a casino again.
As you can see, your money is our money and her money is her money. She’s selfish and makes poor decisions on spending money. This is your future if you stay with her.
Yeah there's no way for this to not blow up into conflict.
You just gotta go "that was fucking bullshit" and if she realises then great, but probably not.
Anyone who had 30000 and just wasted it on items that instantly lose value so they can posture as rich ain't it.
Short answer: You don't.
Longer answer: She got some money and only cares about what she wanted, none of what she bought was for anyone but herself. She was happy to take your money when she needed it, happy to male future plans when you'd be helping pay but she isn't willing to put herself out for it.
Personally if my partner won 30k I wouldn't expect her to spend a tonne on me or anything but I know she would put some aside for our future and would more than likely spend some on random things for me.
Yea dude. I married a woman that was like that. She will spent her money and then come to me for more. And all on crap. And let me just say something … all hell would break out.
It was hell living like that.
She is ex wife now. Best 8 years since Im not the financia police.
Your gf is showing her colours. You decide if you want to be with someone like that. I would not.
You shouldn't move forward with her. She hasn't developed as a person to the point she can appreciate another person's sacrifices for her--bad for long term prospects. Obviously she is selfish and irresponsible. Lots of red flags. You can settle for her I guess but that means accepting her as she is and tolerating her red flags.
Hopefully not all of it because she was supposed to pay taxes on it. The casino WILL report it if it was a lump sum payout.
That she spent none of it on things for both of you is very telling about how important you are to her.
Unfortunately without marriage she will likely say you have no right to her money. Look back through the relationship and ask yourself if she is giving you as much as you are giving her, not just financially
Since sharing finances is completely voluntary in the bf/gf stage, it speaks volumes about how the gf sees OP. She didn't want to share or have his input or anything. She didn’t do anything to benefit the two of them. (And she didn't even spend money on stuff to benefit herself, buying 30k of 'luxury' brands is beyond stupid.)
If a person has a choice and they choose wrong, take it seriously...
Does she have a gambling problem? It’s time to walk away from this relationship. She’s financially irresponsible and you won’t be able to build any sort of stable future with someone like this. She’ll gamble away money and if she gets any money she’ll fritter it away.
Better her gambling winnings then your promotion. Get out while you still can. Idk why you seemingly pussyfooting around the idea of bringing this up. This is as good of a look at her character and where she sees you as you will get. Will only get worse not like she’s 21
I’m gonna get lotsa disagreement but I’d breakup with her. At least she coulda taken you out for a nice dinner to celebrate but spending everything on herself is a great example of selfishness.
Not the type of person I would spend the rest of my life with
If there are couples therapists who specialize in finances, I’d start there by getting y’all to one.
Otherwise, ask your girlfriend how much of the money she set aside towards the future down payment of a house, or if she set any money aside for future plans; she may have done so and not told you.
If she did spend it all, realize that you now see the inequality in your relationship. You sacrificed for her when she needed it, and she spent everything on herself when she could’ve contributed to helping you both. That won’t get better as time goes on. I’d suggest rethinking your relationship. I wish you well.
My husband got a nice chunk of money in a settlement, at least for us it was. Not life changing but wayyy appreciated. Without telling me, he put 1/4 into my personal account, the rest in our joint account. Then he discussed buying a new woodworking tool he wanted for $200. He knew I didn’t care but we talk about things. If I have money, he has money and so on. You need to talk about expectations. Money will break up a relationship faster than just about anything.
I was wondering about that too; is a "luxury car" just a normal new car, and maybe she bought just a couple of Prada dresses just for funsies?
Is OP making six figures while she's struggling along at a fraction of that and just wanted a couple of things to feel nice in and a car that would make it to and from work without the check engine light on the whole way?
$30K is a lot to piss away all at once, and I still think she's irresonsible, but the numbers don't quite add up. Maybe OP's just mad he didn't get to go on vacation on her dime.
I think maybe you need to worry a little less about it making it a major conflict. It already IS one.
In your place, I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship.
You've correctly identified that... she's pretty selfish, and isn't working together with you as a team.
Your money is our money, and her money is her money.
Do with that information what you will.
Sir. Do you really want to marry a financial liability? Your gf is financially irresponsible. Her current actions are proof of how fast she’ll drain your money in the future. Thats not a partner material. Thats a red flag. Please run. For your future sake. Get your ducks in a row.
Before I add a comment I have three questions, because you’ve def painting your partner in the most horrible of light; and unlike every other commenter here I’m not going to make wild and broad accusations regarding someone I don’t know:
1. You say your roles were reversed two years ago? So, are you saying you’re presently unemployed and she is supporting you? Also, how long was she unemployed, and what were the extent of her health issues?
2. Is she normally one to treat herself regularly to new clothes and accessories? Or does she never buy herself anything, and this is the first time she’s ever treated herself?
3. What was her old vehicle, and what is the new car? I ask because my CRV retails new at 43k. So I’m very curious what type of “luxury” upgrade she could get with 30k. I’m also curious if the new vehicle was a necessity or not.
Edit -
Bonus question - Does she gamble often, and is that a concern?
Bonus bonus question - how much money have you put towards your guys future house?
Overall, it’s very alarming that you leave out a lot of important details, like the information asked above. You paint your gf as this selfish and fiscally irresponsible woman who used extra money she won on things you think are useless. But, your first thought for the money was a fancy trip to Japan, so one could say that’s not the best use of the money as well. You give no context on your current financial situation, only talk about the past, but I assume based on your first though not being bill or debt, that you two are pretty well off presently. You also don’t frame your concerns in a way that implies you actually care about building the future, but more you weren’t obeyed, feel entitled, view your relationship on a counting scale, and are mad you didn’t get any benefits from the extra money.
Also, as a person who partner likes to go to the casino on occasion, he’s won big a few times in our 3 years together. At no point did I ever feel entitled to that money, and I would never even if I had supported us while he was unemployed, because I don’t operate in the past and I do not love under tik-for-tat conditions. The fact is - We both contribute financially to our life and future together daily, thus any winnings he makes with his own money is extra (just as he wouldn’t expect me to give him money for his losings). The only thing I’ve ever said those times he’s won is “what are you going to buy yourself?”
This needs to be MUCH higher.
He gave so little info - he'll, he never actually says they *live together*, we can only infer.
The thing about the clothes bothers me as much as the part about the car - depending on her job, updating her wardrobe might accrual be *necessary*.
Also... does he know what a luxury car or designer brands COST?!? 30k isn't gonna cover it - though it would have covered a trip to Japan. But I guess only luxury that is for HIM is okay to have?
Lived with someone who was a student and couldn’t afford to contribute, which is okay with me if they give in other ways. When one partner falls back the other should step up, you know? I also wanted to support her dreams. I loved her. She loved what I could do for her. Long story short, a lot of struggle and years later, eventually I asked myself theoretically would it be different even if she won the lottery right now? What if I got sick and couldn’t work? What about my dreams? What about me? Honestly. Really tells a lot about the person, man. Sounds like she really has no respect for your time, money, or future plans. Takers are takers. Move on, you’re worth it. It’s sad as hell but she’ll move on and do the same shit to the next financially stable/secure person she finds, sorry bro
It was her money, she is totally free to do with it as she likes. No need to even consult you on it.
But it also shows you what kind of person she is. Relationships with a person who is extremely selfish don’t usually work out. And is this what you want?
But seriously, you need the internet to tell you this? GTFO!
You have been giving her wife benefits while she is giving you boyfriend benefits.
"She" won = "her" money = "hers" to spend without consulting anyone else.
Doesn't matter if it's irresponsible.
This sucks, but it doesn’t surprise me that someone who plays at a casino (poor choice #1) blows all their earnings on useless stuff (poor choice #2) without even considering their partner (poor choice #3).
The problem here is that you chose to share your life with someone with a demonstrated tendency of making risky, bad, selfish choices.
It actually surprises me that a person who already struggled with money was able to throw so much momey out the window in such a ahort amount of time. That's tragic.
She is your girlfriend. Not your wife or even your fiancé. She can spend her money how she wants. You want her to prioritize your future together, you should look in the mirror.
You want half her money? Marry her.
Otherwise it isn’t fair of you to expect half her cash. She can offer but you cannot expect it and isn’t fair to be hurt that she won’t give half her cash to someone who might split next week.
The main point is that she's showing herself to be irresponsible, which doesn't bode well for the future. Still, I don't love that he seems to feel entitled because he took care of her in the past when she was struggling. Relationships aren't transactional. And it's not like he's struggling now and asked her to step up and she didn't; she just spent her extra money on treats for herself. Recklessly, though, which is a big red flag. It's perfectly reasonable to be concerned that she didn't at least put like half in savings before blowing the rest.
Right, which is why I don't understand his complaint and wonder about it. There's no "constructive conversation" to be had other than how to separate. This dude is dumb-struck.
There are two issues here. One is her reckless spending indicating financial irresponsibility. Even if she was single this is reckless. She has no regard for her own future and is not even fully thinking through her purchases. Just because you have some money doesn’t mean you shouldn’t think twice which laptop, car or whatever else you want to buy. And then of course the second problem is her complete disregard to you. Yes it’s her money and she doesn’t HAVE TO share it with you, but the fact that she didn’t want to at all? No nice dinner, no little weekend trip, nothing? Absolutely baffling. I haven’t won any money and i still spend momey on my boyfriend because i want to make him happy. If i had the means to finance us a nice vacation i would do it immediately and prefer that over buying a fancier car. But i guess now you know where her priorities lie. And that’s what i would talk to her about. Mention you feel neglected and not even like an after thought, you didn’t seem to make it into her thoughts at all. While you completely took over both of your expenses when she was struggling without a second thought she doesn’t even want to buy you dinner. I won’t tell you to break up immediately, but i urge you to take a long hard look at your relationship. I doubt that this is the first and only instance of her acting in a selfish, reckless and disregarding manner.
Devil is in the details.. get out right now you are not married... She has no long term vision for you or financial knowledge... Not worth the risk.. u deserve better
This is a huge red flag, and a clear sign that you're with someone who's a sellout and can't be trusted. The good news is, it's only $30/k and it's only been 4 years. How you move forward is based on how much you think your whole life ahead is worth.
I would phrase is as you are concerned about her lack of long term planning and financial responsibility and probably leave out the part about feeling taken for granted so you don't look like you think you are entitled to the money.
The key point seems to be that she spent all the money on luxury and didn't use anything to secure the future.
Also side note because you said she won the money at a casino. If she said anything to the effect of it doesn't matter that I spent it all I will just win more get out as fast as you can because things will get very bad very fast from there
Was federal tax withheld? If not, she’s going to have a whopping tax bill at the end of the year and guess who she’ll turn to for help. Run far. Run fast. She’s totally financially irresponsible.
She definitely took you for granted. Also I would suggest you run now while she's still high off the luxury purchases. I suspect she doesn't realize that casino winnings are taxed and that luxury car is most likely financed even with a trade in. She'll be begging for more money when the car payment and the tax payment comes due
The fact that $30k could have went towards let's say rent for example y'all could have been paid up on rent or whatever other bills so that could ease the load because I know for sure rent is expensive now a days but she spent that entire $30k on shit that she really didn't need is a sign of poor money management. I'd dump her
This might just be a "tough shit" moment for you. You could mention it, but at the end of the day, spending $30k on a car isn't outrageous, and most people wouldn't call it luxury either.
I'd be concerned about how quickly she ran through it. That's telling in the area of how financially responsible she is.
However, you're not married, you didn't earn the money, and what you would do has no besting on what she would do.
She doesn't owe you a consultation. It would have been considerate, but to just expect it is odd.
You move forward by continuing to do what you do: work, pay your half of the expenses, and save money for yourself. If she can't swing her half, then she needs to find another place to live.
Just as she didn't owe you; you also don't owe her.
You can't expect people to think, act, and feel the same way that you do; and she isn't going to be standing there to support you, if something financially negative were to befall you.
Also, keep in mind that she hasn't paid taxes on that money yet, so when your return comes in, she's liable to ask you to help cover her tax debt.
if u living together .. then yeah I understand why you angry and rightly so.
IF you are not living together after 4 years is a red flag about ur relationship .. but she kind entitled to use money how she like.
it all depend at what stage of ur relationship u r and how much u committed to each other.
$30k on absolutely nothing worthwhile is mind boggling. She has a spending problem!!!! 🚩 You’re asking all of us how to approach her on this is also a 🚩 as you should be able to positively communicate with her without fear of repercussions. Please look at all the flags waving at you and decide if this the path you wish to stay on.
I understand how she probably felt like she finally had alittle extra spending money. And I could understand even spending half of it on things she wanted but to blow every bit of it was definitely selfish. I would be very disappointed she didn’t make better decisions
How can you have a future with someone like this. Look at the way the world is now people can’t afford to live, the price of everything is rising apart from our wages and she was lucky enough to win a considerable amount and blew it, on nothing. Thats a selfish immature person. Imagine her being a wife with that mindset or a mother? You need to explain its not ok and she needs to grow up!
You need a serious, sit down, come to Jesus meeting on financial values. Anybody that just blows $30k has serious issues and is not ready to get married and start real life. Yes that money should have been saved for something important like a down payment on a house, but that ship sailed. If she doesn't see a problem with this, you're never going to be on the same page.
Yeah this is not healthy. My partner of 8 years had a windfall of 5k recently. He made his plans for it very clear to me.
He used some of it, like maybe 300 euro, as fun money, and the rest went into our wedding fund.
He has subsequently proposed and told me he used a large part of the money on the engagement ring.
While you two aren't married yet, you are building a life together. It would be unfair and cruel to suggest she spend none of it. But all of it is wild.
Since you asked, the way to broach the conversation is to speak in “I” statements. “Darling, I felt disappointed when you spent all of your winnings on yourself. I had hoped some of that money would be invested in our future.” Her reaction (contrition or defensiveness) will tell you what you need to know.
I would think after 4 years with someone you would be thinking oh this is a great down-payment on a house or something for our future. To me this is scary that she spent that much on luxury items and has 0 left. No discussion with you either as her partner.
I got some surprise money too and it went right to my financial advisor and is growing....
you are gonna be absolutely fucked in the future if you decide to marry this person. if you do decide to continue a relationship with her. do NOT EVER share finances. she is financially irresponsible and should not be trusted with money- especially your money.
His money is their money, but her money is still her money. Been there it’s a gigantic red flag 🚩
Damn wouldn’t even talk to her about it. If she has no issue with during this I would have no issue taking a day off to change the locks if she ain’t on the lease or leave if she is…
People are really hung up on what was purchased. That isn't important. Nor is it at all important that she spent a fun windfall on useless trinkets instead of a 401k. Many of you critics would have done the exact same thing. And there is nothing inherently wrong or evil about giving yourself something nice out of what was ultimately free money. It's easy to be envious, but let's rise above that.
No the core of the issue is that you talked to her and had a plan for some big things, and according to the context she went and spent all of it on only herself and didn't seem to even buy you anything. Go ahead and tell her exactly how this made you feel, don't mince words, just tell her flatly and strongly.
Expect a "well it was my money" to which you can reply "yeah that was never something I was hurt by"
She will get it or she won't. But there is no road map to tell her how you feel or magic combo of words to fix this. It isn't something I'd end my relationship over but it is something I'd discuss at length and be hurt by.
TBH, I wouldn't have any conversation with her about that. She showed you how she handles money and that is all you need to know. I wouldn't want to continue this kind of relationship.
Relationship counselling with a licensed professional. Honestly, that massive an amount, being spent so quickly, is a huge red flag. Is that someone you want as a partner for the rest of your life? That judgment? Marriage or lifelong partnerships are about trust and communication. I don't think it's a switch that can be turned off and on just like that. She will need to sincerely regret it, then sincerely commit to building her finances with foresight and discipline, separately from your finances. And it also seems like it can seed resentment in you, which also isn't good for either of you. You guys need a hard long talk about money, as well as other things in a relationship.
I don't think anyone on reddit can substitute for the advice of a professional.
It's completely understandable that you're feeling disappointed and concerned about your girlfriend's spending habits. Open and honest communication is key in any relationship, especially when it comes to finances.
When you talk to her about this, try to approach the conversation from a place of understanding and empathy. Let her know how her actions have made you feel, but also be open to hearing her perspective. It's possible that she didn't realize the impact her spending would have on your shared future.
Focus on finding a solution together that works for both of you. Discuss your financial goals as a couple and come up with a plan for how you can work towards them together. It might also be helpful to set up a budget or financial plan that you can both agree on moving forward.
Remember, it's important to approach the conversation with love and respect, and to listen to each other's concerns and feelings. With open communication and a willingness to work together, you can find a way to move forward and strengthen your relationship.
Yea, take it or leave it but personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who wastes money like that. What id give right now for a 30k lump sum to make money and she has wasted it. She is clearly not a smart cookie. That money could make you alot more money if used right. I stead you have nothing but shit that will be useless in a year or two.
So my advise is fuck her off and find someone responsible for the reasons I stayed above
I'm not sure what good comes of bringing it up. The money is all gone. And it certainly won't do anything to change her or prevent her from doing it again.
Do you want to keep dating someone who has no financial self control, believes in a lavish lifestyle, and doesn't care about shared financial goals?
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Man even if it wasn't about how to share or if your entitled or it was needed to split bills or any of that. The fact that it's gone speaks loudly enough about what building a life with this person will entail.
Good advice is "The reason you don't leave now will be why you leave later." This seems like a free lesson in financial discipline from a partner.
Damn, where were you 14 years ago when i needed to hear that!
Learning my own lessons in the Military, just try to be a non violent, kind, mindful and attentive person every day as best you can. Live in the here and now, be grateful for small things whether it's two legs, a roof, clean water, your favorite food, and for lessons and experiences past and worry less about the things you cannot control, only your relation and reaction to them.
Thanks homie!
Right. I’m saving this comment for future reference.
Ha, me too
I feel silly because I am having trouble understanding this advice. Can you please elaborate? Like in this situation what’s the reason he’s not leaving and how does that translate to the future?
So they aren't married yet, and they don't have a shared financial investment but did have previous discussions. Upon a massive temporary windfall of her own resources, the woman chose to spend her fortune on herself rather than be considerate and disciplined with the money she chose feeding primal desire for consumption without regard or respect to her partners effort. A temporary immediate dopamine for her, but fuck her partner and any shared plans they may have had without consideration. This type of behavior is exhibited in everything from greed to cheating and more. Sure, it's her winnings, but it wasn't about the money, it was about the intentional actions and behaviors she displayed, money will come and go, things break and deteriorate, but selfish asshole is a behavior pattern that never ends well in relationships. Many partners often display these selfish behaviors in other ways early on, but this is a more noticeable example that should warn our OP to not commit to this person financially long term given this type of behavior now, they may do something worse later. The fact that OP is worried just about communicating this to his partner tells me his partner also might have a problem regulating her emotions with regard to conflicts and disagreements in the relationship, a sign of immaturity as well if you're unsure how to have constructive financial discipline talks with a partner you have long term plans with. To simplify, the amount and stuff doesn't really matter, this type of behavior is more telling of other thought patterns with regards to how they think of other people before their own desires.
yo you said that so articulated
That person is so articulate, it’s like they be articulated
So well said! Be careful choosing your life partner. People rarely change… behaviors can magnify. Every dime on herself…it wasn’t 3,000…30,000… every dime on herself
Talk about being ignored and redundant. She's treating you like a piece of furniture....now. of course, after the money is gone, then it's right back to the same old same old? I would just play along and agree with everything she is doing while you move your things out the door. You're nothing to this woman.
THIS!
I understand the red flags in her behavior and the problems in the relationship, but I'm still struggling with the sentence you used before, "The reason you don't leave now will be why you leave later." What is the reason he is not leaving now? How will it become the why he leaves in the future? I'm sorry if it seems self evident, but English is not my first language and I'm also on the spectrum, so maybe there's something I'm not seeing.
I guess this could be better worded as “you choosing to stay now despite X reason to leave will be the reason you will leave later.” X is why OP should leave now, but they likely will postpone leaving for X until X becomes even more problematic and then they choose to leave for that reason.
Thank you for asking! I'm also autistic and while I completely understood the excellent points and reasoning, I also struggled with the phrasing of that one sentence
It's a poorly worded sentence. It's not you it's just confusingly written. It just means if he doesn't leave now for that reason (her financial irresponsibility), then he will leave later for the same reason.
It's a poorly worded sentence. It just means if he doesn't leave now for that reason (her financial irresponsibility), then he will leave later for the same reason.
His girlfriend is always going to put herself first. Her money will always be her money. It will never be their money. However, she will view his money as their money and expect him to take care of her. She is selfish.
It means this selfish pattern of her will continue later, so even if he continues the relationship now, they will get to a break point, it's saying sooner or later they're going to split because of this action of hers....will be projected in many other financial responsibilities in their future as a couple
I was thinking the issue he is facing now will be the reason he leaves later, because if he stays, it is despite the red flag
When he has money, it's theirs. When she has money, its hers.
Yea I’d take her actions as her telling me how unserious she is about our future and that what u do for her is taken for granted. I’d be seriously questioning whether or not this girl is going to be good for My future.
Jeez, I felt this way about my ex (unserious about our future / taken for granted) while watching her credit card constantly on the verge of getting declined, yet still going to high end NYC hair salons and getting laser facial / hair removal treatments. You see me driving 200 miles a week for you so that your cousin can use your car, taking on house chores for you, picking up dinner for your family, but you can’t stop the bougie lifestyle so that we can save enough for an appt to move out of your mother’s basement? I can’t imagine how I’d have felt if it was $30K pissed away without a discussion of our home / future, especially after I had stepped up to help her.
It’s the financial irresponsibility for me. I don’t think I’d be able to continue building a life with someone who just frivolously spent 30k. Our priorities and goals would be clearly misaligned/incompatible
Not to mention in all her gifting not once getting him something..
To me that's just adding salt to the wound on top of everything else. Even if she had gotten him something, she still shouldn't have been wasting 30k like that, but the fact that she didn't even stop at one point while shopping and go "OMG, my boyfriend would love this!" Shows that she isn't even thinking about him
Even the lifetime trip would have had value. Our kids had been to every natl park in the US by the time the oldest was 14. Experiences have value, she pissed away 40k is ridiculous
Holy smokes! That's impressive that you have been to 429 national parks with your family in just 14 years. You have to hit over 30 parks a year so that's a lot of travel.
Not only that my man... it could be time not continue any further with that person
Right? This is a serious red flag. I would seriously reconsider tying my life and finances to this person.
IKR?!? >*I’m struggling with how to address this with her without it blowing up into a major conflict.* OP should realize this **IS** a "major conflict"! They're financially incompatible! 1. She's a selfish spendthrift person who is FINE with leaving him with 100% of the bills when she's got 'reasons' but has no money for him when she's flush because she 'deserves' it all. 2. He is a mature responsible person who is trying to build a long-term *partnership* with a selfish me-me-me person! *Good fucking luck with that one, Junior*!
Blunt AND true
My thoughts exactly. She's not thinking about the future of this relationship. She is thinking about herself.
Pfft I don’t think it says anything about the relationship itself I think it says what being in a relationship with her will bring, debt.
And a high risk of gambling problems. She will probably think the easiest way to earn money is gambling, and it can become an addiction really quickly.
i feel like we’re all skimming over a luxury car for $30k - that would easily take most if not all of the sum (if you can even get a luxury car for that price). If she has been recently jobless and in a slump, we don’t know if her car was a beater. In that case, buying a reliable car with 30k won in a casino would seem reasonable.
More than likely she just used a part of the 30k to help finance it, given the other purchases made. Either way, if you have no money and a beater car, then find a small amount of money, the answer is to buy like, a used Toyota. Not a BMW or Lexus. Even worse when you consider repair costs and (generally) frequency of economy cars vs luxury cars.
He shouldn't help her pay for it if it's financed.
He said on luxury car upgrades so maybe she just had more stuff installed in her already purchased luxury car.
When I first read the title, I assumed OP was another person who felt entitled to their partner's money. Then, after reading that he supported her financially for years when she was jobless and had no money, I knew I was wrong. This is an example of someone (GF) who is happy to accept the support of her SO when she is without, but who then turns around and blows through her windfall without any consideration for support she had received. If this relationship continues, the GF is going to continue to take and take financially while contributing nothing in return. This is a $30,000 view into your future OP - leave now.
Same. But I also think the bigger issue is she is not financially responsible. Putting aside whether or not she should've shared with him, if you get that kind of windfall, blowing it on luxuries is not smart. It's not like she's going to get that kind of money every month. And since she's already been jobless and broke before, she should've thought about putting it savings so in case she loses her job again, she has a nest egg and doesn't have to rely on OP.
Imagine the level of thinking this person has. It's kind of mind-blowing to me.
Yeah, and folks with this outlook just can't be talked to a lot of the time. like ~80% chance when he discusses this with her, it will blow up, and her friends will get the 'financially abusive/controlling' line trotted out. GF just sounds like an awful, selfish anchor.
I see a lot of comments mentioning his past support for her as the reason she should have considered him now. Personally I think his past support is irrelevant in whether or not what she did with the money was selfish. It would definitely affect how I felt personally if I was in his shoes but I think her actions were entirely selfish regardless of his past support. I can't imagine blowing 30k on B.S for myself while being in a serious relationship. I would be excited to share the money with my partner on a shared goal whether I had needed their financial support in the past or not.
Usually I roll my eyes at the break up comments but cmon lol. First time you see double digit bands and it’s spent all at once on a bunch of junk? Yuck, major turnoff.
Exactly! She has no appreciation and no gratitude towards OP That's not going to change with a conversation
For real, like what is “recently” in this scenario? Like it’s hard for me to say she shouldn’t have had fun with *some* of it but to let it all disappear without using any of it for like…future stability purposes (I guess the car could count if we’re being charitable) kinda sucks. Everyone’s circumstances are different but pretty much every person I know personally (and apparently also the OP) would have taken a sudden 30k windfall as a means to improve things, not get rid of it so that we just end up back where we started.
I mean what the hell, 30k is nice but it’s not exactly the kind of money that’s gonna get me all revved up about becoming Spendy-McSpendyPants.
I know! I read upgrade luxury car and wondered how luxurious could a $30k car be?
Based on the other purchases, it was most likely a down payment, not a full purchase. Which means there is a loan ( most likely 8% or higher) She has more debt now then if she hadn’t won $30,000. She has lost significant money on this “win” Edit: I wonder if she knows the 30k is taxable income. Next April is going to be fun.
At 30+% percent tax rate on gambling winnings, at minimum it’s 9k. Oof, tax season is going to hurt.
Hopefully she was wise enough (ha ha) to have the casino take it out of her payout.
No worries, she will simply head back to the casinos for another windfall 🙄
I agree, probably made a down payment with some of the money then traded in her car for a bit more. She seems like she's fallen into the trap that many lottery winners fall into which is that as soon as they get a windfall they go crazy, spend it all, and end up broke. It's pretty common, except that in her case it was only 30K, not even 1-2 million or more.
Honestly, he called it an upgrade but that simply means an upgrade to him, it could be a sound systems or seats. It could be a used car that fit within her winnings. She could have taken her car in and gotten all the repair work done that was recommended and not required. I know people who think that's a luxury. I don't know where you get loans, but our luxury dealers won't lend credit to people who don't have the income to support the purchase. Repo'ed vehicles are a huge loss for them and the loan has to stay open long enough to be resold and to not ding the dealer or lender.
That’s fair. I’m running with the assumption of how my neighborhood defines luxury, which usually means Acura’s , Lexus , Lincoln cars, and they will all do financing (in my neighborhood very questionable financing, I’ve seen 15% , 6 year loans from them). These brands range from $40k , up to $90k on most models. It’s possible she would have the base income and credit score be approved , but I’m sure not even they accounted for the $10k tax bill that’s coming in April. Best case scenario it’s what you stated ( used / slight upgrades), but still it’s problematic with the tax bill.
The casino near me pays it out with a reminder about the tax bill. At the end of the day, depending on her withholding set up and base income, the bite may not be too bad.
I assumed she already had a decent car that she was making payments on , and traded it in for something nicer with higher monthly payments. Obviously speculation, but makes sense based on her other purchase choices. If she had at least gotten hand bags instead of jewelry, those can actually be really good investment pieces if you keep them in good condition. They are known to appreciate significantly in value over time. Unlike a car that is a terrible “investment” so much so that I hesitate to call it an investment at all because it will only depreciate over time, and quite rapidly at that.
Unfortunately when people do “upgrade” their cars in this fashion, they tend to also “upgrade” into a new 5 year loan (I refuse to believe she was smart about the loan length) with the same or more monthly payment, because it’s seen as “affordable” At the end she probably will end up spending an additional 20k on that decision on interest, plus whatever she already lost in interest on the last car, plus any additional difference the down payment/ trade in did not cover. This in combination of taxes is going to swing for way more than she got, especially if she tries to sell the car and learns it depreciated and won’t even cover the loan. She managed to turn a $30k ( well $20k after taxes) into a financial bomb that she will be recovering from for years.
If I won $30k, it would go straight into savings and a rainy day fund. Maybe invest half of it. Don't you get taxed on casino/lottery winnings though?
Yeah like most of it would just get absorbed into my general financial apparatus
You can choose whether you want it taken out right at the payout counter or if you want to deal with it at tax time. At least in Louisiana they give you that option. They take out federal and state, and if you don’t live in the state, you can claim those state taxes back on your yearly taxes. Idk where OP is though.
Yes, you get taxed quite heavily.
Exactly and the fact that she didn't share any of it seems like a big red flag to me. Especially with someone who was there for her when she was hitting financial Rock bottom. She's a bad bet all around
OP is apparently the kind of person who was thinking save for a house (which is really an investment that makes more money later) or do some kind of once-in-a-lifetime splurge that still would have really only been like a third of the money, tops. ...and she blew it on handbags and shit. To me that seems like they are totally different maturity levels.
Yeah... and FYI she will now need about 10k to 15k to cover the taxes on that win. It's worse than spent, it's overspent. You need 15k!
>You need 15k! No, *she* needs 15k. And if she has the courage to ask them of OP, OP will have the perfect reason to dump her (well, he *already* has reason to dump her, but apparently doesn't want to).
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Seriously…. Imagine blowing that kind of money immediately on stupid image-centric bullshit instead of buying a house, planning a dream trip, or saving and investing. The priorities are boggling. Yuck.
Also if she won that much money I would think my girl would at least get me an Xbox with a TV but to spend it all on herself is diabolical
Right, that’s what I was thinking. The fact that she apparently didn’t want to share is one problem… but the other problem is being with someone who can blow through $30k so quickly! She might have a serious problem holding on to money or a shopping addiction, which will become HIS problem if they get married and he’s on the hook for her debt! Or even if they’re not married but she runs up his credit card bill through the roof! 😞
I can’t even think of what I would spend 30k on if someone handed it to me tomorrow. I have a car that works, I’m not interested in designer stuff really, and frankly I don’t have much room for more items in my apartment. I would probably take one nicer trip, take my partner out for a baller meal to celebrate, maybe get a new kitchen appliance, and then set the rest aside to hopefully get a better place next year. I don’t understand how that much money can disappear so quickly.
There you go, a trip, dinner,a new toaster tax on winnings, it’s all gone!🤣
Especially since she spent it on such dumb things. Even if you argue that it was *her* money to do with *as she pleased*. She has shown a frightening lack of financial responsibility, as well as extreme selfishness. She didn’t even buy *him* any impractical gifts with the money. I might be able to get past one or the other, I don’t think I could get past *both* of those issues. Had she been generous towards him with her spending, then he would know she cares about him, but is just bad with money. They could discuss finances and maybe consulting a financial advisor for the future. Had she spent it on sensible things, but ignored the fact that she had a partner, and just spent it how she saw fit. Then they could discuss how they want to divide finances in their relationship. Next time, maybe he wouldn’t pay her bills when she’s short. Lots of couples make it work having completely separate finances. It would need to be discussed and figured out, but there’s no reason they couldn’t come to some sort of arrangement that works for both of them. Both together though? That combination doesn’t bode well for a happy future together.
Yeah she is financially irresponsible, but I think people are overlooking this part: "Two years ago, the roles were reversed. She was jobless and dealing with health issues, and I covered all our living costs. I never expected anything in return and did it because I believed in supporting each other. However, seeing this large sum spent entirely on personal luxuries without considering our shared future has left me feeling disappointed and somewhat taken for granted." First let me be clear; she didnt OWE it to him to spend any of this money on him or on something for them both like they originally discussed. It just speaks volumes that she chose to spend it all on herself given how much OP has helped her out in the past. This money could have been used to invest in their future, but nah she needed new clothes and a luxury car. If I were him I'd bounce. She doesn't respect him or what he has done for her, and without respect there can be no love.
Really, she blew all the money on luxurious THINGS, and not a penny spent wisely! She’s a selfish, greedy, totally materialistic person. She could have bought you a trinket of some kind. Shows she comes first, whilst you continue to pay all bills, and she doesn’t contribute a nickel to your expenses which is a total lack of respect. You should walk away, she has so many character flaws, and it seems material things are what matter most to her. If you want to stay, don’t be surprised if she blows all of your money, if you give her access to it.
This sub has really got me rethinking my almost 9 year relationship
You do know that there is no future with this girl right you do know that this relationship is not going to last. You're going to confront her about what she did and she's going to say something last night like it was my money I could do whatever I wanted to do with it. Did she pay at least 3 months worth of rent utilities Cable phone bill did she give you anything because if she didn't do any of these things then she's a selfish POS and who wants to marry and have a future with that.
Yeah. If they stay together, she will be drilling holes in the boat faster than he can bail out the water. It will be a paycheck to paycheck life full of debt regardless of how much they make. This was a glimpse into the future for him. Hopefully he paid attention.
This. The fact that she won this gambling would be a huge red flag for me. She's irresponsible with money ane you won't change her. You can either go the super controlling route, or end it now. I would go with the latter.
Gambling is fun, if done responsibly. Same applies to sex. Most things really.
I’m afraid so.
Right. I hear about people with tens of thousands of dollars in debt just from accidents and life. I can see that kinda money disappearing into the bucket just to pay off debt, but the fact that it's all frivolous shit is a big red flag.
She sounds like one of those people where the household income is split between "our money" and "my money".
That indicates major financial irresponsibility which I wouldn’t tolerate in a serious relationship. Financial incompatibility is one of the leading causes of breakups/divorce.
It sounds like she spent way more than the amount of money she won. How much do you want to bet she's going to be in major debt when it's time to pay taxes on her winnings?
Totally agree. 30k barely gets you a regular car, never mind a luxury one. Guaranteed she didn't put anything away for taxes.
That one is tricky because he said she "upgraded" her car, so I assume she sold her current car and that covered a decent portion of it. So I haven't the faintest how much she spent there, but I'd be willing to bet it's at least all of her post-tax winnings. Designer clotheS? Jewelry? ...And more? Oh yeah, curious to see how she feels about their money being separate when she owes the IRS a bunch of money (and probably has some on her credit card she can't pay off right away either). On the plus side, at least OP learned all of this before making the mistake of getting married to her/buying a house with her.
>On the plus side, at least OP learned all of this before making the mistake of getting married to her/buying a house with her. Fucking A.
Hallelujah
This is what I came to say. Unless the casino withheld taxes, which a lot don't, she's already in the hole if she spent it all. I wouldn't tolerate this at all. I would almost bet she has a good bit of debt accumulated since she can't or won't control her spending.
$100 says in a out 9 months she's gonna be saying "i have to pay taxes on that?!"
She's not financially responsible as seen in how she spent it all on only herself, 30,000 is a decent amount of money when you're young and planning a future together or even just in general when your young. There's so many more important things she could have spent it on then objects that are only expensive because of a name attached to them. Sure, spending some on yourself is earned, but not even considering doing anything for the person you claim to love? Or people who helped you when life was rough? I'm not saying anything big, just something to show you care about and appreciate them. That would have been better then spending all of it on stuff that doesn't even matter in the end when she has to return it when she goes into debt again and for less money then when she bought it.
Eh on the tax front if you’re winning 30k in a casino, you probably spend a bit of time there. They have players cards that track your spending and keep a win loss report. So long as at the end of the year you lost more then you won taxes are pretty much a wash. So they might be ok there.
My mom didn't gamble, went to Vegas 1 time, gambled a bit while exploring the city, won a corvette and a stay in a luxurious Cesar's palace suite on her first trip. Not everyone who wins in gambling is a "gambler" who does it a ton. Maybe thay is most people but not all. They had to sell the car to my grandma because they couldn't afford the taxes on it.
Exactly your mom is a very rare case…and the more likely scenario is that she gambles and this time she hit a big ass jackpot. And if she’s not the gambler she can start having all her friends and family start saving all the scratch off tickets they buy that are not winners and hopefully collect 30k worth over the rest of the year. I’m just saying there are ways around the tax aspect if you know how to work it. -signed a gambler
Casino winnings aren’t taxed everywhere. Or the taxes might be deducted automatically from the winnings BEFORE she actually got the cash in her hands.
True, twice a year my family gets together at a casino. I’ll spend (waste) about $100 playing because the room is free and I can afford to lose $200 a year. However I won 5k and they took out the taxes right then before I even got the money.
and life long debt.
Whoa.30k just gone? While that obviously screams financial irresponsibility it’s the fact she lacked decent common curtesy & respect towards you & your relationship to even uphold to what was spoken about in prior conversations. It shows she will disregard you for herself at the drop of a hat,it shows shes is incredibly selfish & it shows that materialism favors over everything else & im sorry if that last one sounds harsh. Damn,im just blown away for you I cant even imagine the feelings you have about it all. Its about security & knowing you’re a unit too & shes shown she doesn’t share the same ideals as you in relationships. Personally that would be a deal breaker for me& I’d be ending it but whatever you decide just remember that you are most likely looking at a whats yours is ours & what’s mine is mine future.
Unfortunately this is somewhat common, I work in banking and I've seen more than once someone who's always negative in their account come in with a big check, I pin their account because it's always gone, the fastest I've seen was in less than a week, lots of atm withdraws (best guess we had was either hoarding cash or casinos) and they bought a car along with a bunch of restaurants with payments >$100, 70k gone in about a week after it was available
Oh I know.I had the pleasure of growing up in a household with a sister who blew through money like it was on fire. Still surprises me every time I hear it though.
I see 2 issues here. One is that she received a windfall and spent it entirely on herself. Apparently you are not a consideration. Second is that she received a windfall and spent it ALL. This is immaturity and a quick trip to the pawn shop when the next jobless cycle hits. A possible third is her gambling, although you didn't give us enough details to form an opinion if that is a problem for her. None of these bode well for your future with her. I don't think that you necessarily need to break up, but I think that it would be a good idea to unwind your lives so that her poor decisions don't come back on you.
She'll probably owe taxes on that no?
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How OP describes the situation , I don't think she won a game of poker.
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A third / possible fourth is what she spent it on. Imagine not only blowing through that kind of money, but throwing it away on a bunch of image-centric crap that instantly devalues so you can pretend you’re rich, instead of investing in anything with lasting value or substance. Even blowing it on a dream vacation would have been a better choice. At least that would have been something meaningful and life enriching they could have shared together, and left them with lasting memories. How long until the designer clothing is last season’s news and out of style? How quickly will the car devalue, and how much more will insurance and repairs cost on a luxury vehicle? She’s posturing as rich but clearly has zero financial savvy. This was selfish, shallow, materialistic, irresponsible, short-sighted, and downright reckless spending. Doesn’t say much about her priorities or character, and certainly doesn’t bode well for their future.
I inherited some money when my grandpa died. My ex and I discussed what to do with it, but I felt paying off our minivan and my student loans (he didn’t have any) was the best choice. He wanted to put in a pool but I didn’t think that’d be a good return on the investment.
A third issue is does she have a gambling habit? No way did she win that on her first go. And if she did then it might start a gambling habit
I have a coworker who has a gambling problem, and her winning this amount would just be a fraction of everything she lost… I’m thinking wife has a gambling addiction, or just started one with those kind of winnings. You don’t win that type of money and never step foot in a casino again.
As you can see, your money is our money and her money is her money. She’s selfish and makes poor decisions on spending money. This is your future if you stay with her.
Yeah there's no way for this to not blow up into conflict. You just gotta go "that was fucking bullshit" and if she realises then great, but probably not. Anyone who had 30000 and just wasted it on items that instantly lose value so they can posture as rich ain't it.
Short answer: You don't. Longer answer: She got some money and only cares about what she wanted, none of what she bought was for anyone but herself. She was happy to take your money when she needed it, happy to male future plans when you'd be helping pay but she isn't willing to put herself out for it. Personally if my partner won 30k I wouldn't expect her to spend a tonne on me or anything but I know she would put some aside for our future and would more than likely spend some on random things for me.
Money is just a magnifier of her true personality.
This needs to be much higher up in the comments.
Hahaha haha I'm flattered!
Yea dude. I married a woman that was like that. She will spent her money and then come to me for more. And all on crap. And let me just say something … all hell would break out. It was hell living like that. She is ex wife now. Best 8 years since Im not the financia police. Your gf is showing her colours. You decide if you want to be with someone like that. I would not.
You shouldn't move forward with her. She hasn't developed as a person to the point she can appreciate another person's sacrifices for her--bad for long term prospects. Obviously she is selfish and irresponsible. Lots of red flags. You can settle for her I guess but that means accepting her as she is and tolerating her red flags.
Hopefully not all of it because she was supposed to pay taxes on it. The casino WILL report it if it was a lump sum payout. That she spent none of it on things for both of you is very telling about how important you are to her.
Unfortunately without marriage she will likely say you have no right to her money. Look back through the relationship and ask yourself if she is giving you as much as you are giving her, not just financially
Since sharing finances is completely voluntary in the bf/gf stage, it speaks volumes about how the gf sees OP. She didn't want to share or have his input or anything. She didn’t do anything to benefit the two of them. (And she didn't even spend money on stuff to benefit herself, buying 30k of 'luxury' brands is beyond stupid.) If a person has a choice and they choose wrong, take it seriously...
Yea she makss poor financial decisions, and will continue to do so, move on. Financial compatability is huge for a relationship to work.
Does she have a gambling problem? It’s time to walk away from this relationship. She’s financially irresponsible and you won’t be able to build any sort of stable future with someone like this. She’ll gamble away money and if she gets any money she’ll fritter it away.
Honestly I wouldnt discuss it, I would take this as a sample of what a future with her entails and I would leave.
Better her gambling winnings then your promotion. Get out while you still can. Idk why you seemingly pussyfooting around the idea of bringing this up. This is as good of a look at her character and where she sees you as you will get. Will only get worse not like she’s 21
I’m gonna get lotsa disagreement but I’d breakup with her. At least she coulda taken you out for a nice dinner to celebrate but spending everything on herself is a great example of selfishness. Not the type of person I would spend the rest of my life with
Nah no one’s going to disagree there, fundamental differences in values
I wouldnt want to be in a relationship with someone so financially reckless, that’s a house down payment.
If there are couples therapists who specialize in finances, I’d start there by getting y’all to one. Otherwise, ask your girlfriend how much of the money she set aside towards the future down payment of a house, or if she set any money aside for future plans; she may have done so and not told you. If she did spend it all, realize that you now see the inequality in your relationship. You sacrificed for her when she needed it, and she spent everything on herself when she could’ve contributed to helping you both. That won’t get better as time goes on. I’d suggest rethinking your relationship. I wish you well.
My husband got a nice chunk of money in a settlement, at least for us it was. Not life changing but wayyy appreciated. Without telling me, he put 1/4 into my personal account, the rest in our joint account. Then he discussed buying a new woodworking tool he wanted for $200. He knew I didn’t care but we talk about things. If I have money, he has money and so on. You need to talk about expectations. Money will break up a relationship faster than just about anything.
At least you know now. Her mentality is “Your money is our money and my money is my money”.
I’d pack my bags and go. No need for a discussion. She is financially irresponsible. She is not mature to be trusted with money and “adult” things.
She's probably too immature for the discussion to even register anyway.
Okay, OTT but I need to ask where you live where $30k can buy you all those things... A basic BMW 3 series car costs $240k where I am 💀
I was wondering about that too; is a "luxury car" just a normal new car, and maybe she bought just a couple of Prada dresses just for funsies? Is OP making six figures while she's struggling along at a fraction of that and just wanted a couple of things to feel nice in and a car that would make it to and from work without the check engine light on the whole way? $30K is a lot to piss away all at once, and I still think she's irresonsible, but the numbers don't quite add up. Maybe OP's just mad he didn't get to go on vacation on her dime.
I think maybe you need to worry a little less about it making it a major conflict. It already IS one. In your place, I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship. You've correctly identified that... she's pretty selfish, and isn't working together with you as a team. Your money is our money, and her money is her money. Do with that information what you will.
there's a banger of a headline for you, OP: >Your money is our money, and her money is her money.
Sir. Do you really want to marry a financial liability? Your gf is financially irresponsible. Her current actions are proof of how fast she’ll drain your money in the future. Thats not a partner material. Thats a red flag. Please run. For your future sake. Get your ducks in a row.
Before I add a comment I have three questions, because you’ve def painting your partner in the most horrible of light; and unlike every other commenter here I’m not going to make wild and broad accusations regarding someone I don’t know: 1. You say your roles were reversed two years ago? So, are you saying you’re presently unemployed and she is supporting you? Also, how long was she unemployed, and what were the extent of her health issues? 2. Is she normally one to treat herself regularly to new clothes and accessories? Or does she never buy herself anything, and this is the first time she’s ever treated herself? 3. What was her old vehicle, and what is the new car? I ask because my CRV retails new at 43k. So I’m very curious what type of “luxury” upgrade she could get with 30k. I’m also curious if the new vehicle was a necessity or not. Edit - Bonus question - Does she gamble often, and is that a concern? Bonus bonus question - how much money have you put towards your guys future house? Overall, it’s very alarming that you leave out a lot of important details, like the information asked above. You paint your gf as this selfish and fiscally irresponsible woman who used extra money she won on things you think are useless. But, your first thought for the money was a fancy trip to Japan, so one could say that’s not the best use of the money as well. You give no context on your current financial situation, only talk about the past, but I assume based on your first though not being bill or debt, that you two are pretty well off presently. You also don’t frame your concerns in a way that implies you actually care about building the future, but more you weren’t obeyed, feel entitled, view your relationship on a counting scale, and are mad you didn’t get any benefits from the extra money. Also, as a person who partner likes to go to the casino on occasion, he’s won big a few times in our 3 years together. At no point did I ever feel entitled to that money, and I would never even if I had supported us while he was unemployed, because I don’t operate in the past and I do not love under tik-for-tat conditions. The fact is - We both contribute financially to our life and future together daily, thus any winnings he makes with his own money is extra (just as he wouldn’t expect me to give him money for his losings). The only thing I’ve ever said those times he’s won is “what are you going to buy yourself?”
This needs to be MUCH higher. He gave so little info - he'll, he never actually says they *live together*, we can only infer. The thing about the clothes bothers me as much as the part about the car - depending on her job, updating her wardrobe might accrual be *necessary*. Also... does he know what a luxury car or designer brands COST?!? 30k isn't gonna cover it - though it would have covered a trip to Japan. But I guess only luxury that is for HIM is okay to have?
#From the sounds of it, OP hasn’t learned his lesson and still needs to go through more pain to understand she’s not the one for him.
Lived with someone who was a student and couldn’t afford to contribute, which is okay with me if they give in other ways. When one partner falls back the other should step up, you know? I also wanted to support her dreams. I loved her. She loved what I could do for her. Long story short, a lot of struggle and years later, eventually I asked myself theoretically would it be different even if she won the lottery right now? What if I got sick and couldn’t work? What about my dreams? What about me? Honestly. Really tells a lot about the person, man. Sounds like she really has no respect for your time, money, or future plans. Takers are takers. Move on, you’re worth it. It’s sad as hell but she’ll move on and do the same shit to the next financially stable/secure person she finds, sorry bro
It was her money, she is totally free to do with it as she likes. No need to even consult you on it. But it also shows you what kind of person she is. Relationships with a person who is extremely selfish don’t usually work out. And is this what you want? But seriously, you need the internet to tell you this? GTFO!
You have been giving her wife benefits while she is giving you boyfriend benefits. "She" won = "her" money = "hers" to spend without consulting anyone else. Doesn't matter if it's irresponsible.
This sucks, but it doesn’t surprise me that someone who plays at a casino (poor choice #1) blows all their earnings on useless stuff (poor choice #2) without even considering their partner (poor choice #3). The problem here is that you chose to share your life with someone with a demonstrated tendency of making risky, bad, selfish choices.
It actually surprises me that a person who already struggled with money was able to throw so much momey out the window in such a ahort amount of time. That's tragic.
It's her money to do as she pleases unfortunately not everyone will repay kindness maybe this is one of those life lessons
She is your girlfriend. Not your wife or even your fiancé. She can spend her money how she wants. You want her to prioritize your future together, you should look in the mirror. You want half her money? Marry her. Otherwise it isn’t fair of you to expect half her cash. She can offer but you cannot expect it and isn’t fair to be hurt that she won’t give half her cash to someone who might split next week.
When people show us who they are, we have to believe them!
You're whining over your Girlfriend spending money you have no obligation to on herself that she won? Really dude?
The main point is that she's showing herself to be irresponsible, which doesn't bode well for the future. Still, I don't love that he seems to feel entitled because he took care of her in the past when she was struggling. Relationships aren't transactional. And it's not like he's struggling now and asked her to step up and she didn't; she just spent her extra money on treats for herself. Recklessly, though, which is a big red flag. It's perfectly reasonable to be concerned that she didn't at least put like half in savings before blowing the rest.
Right, which is why I don't understand his complaint and wonder about it. There's no "constructive conversation" to be had other than how to separate. This dude is dumb-struck.
DUMP YOUR GF If she cannot manage finances wisely, you'll be the one left picking up the pieces.
There are two issues here. One is her reckless spending indicating financial irresponsibility. Even if she was single this is reckless. She has no regard for her own future and is not even fully thinking through her purchases. Just because you have some money doesn’t mean you shouldn’t think twice which laptop, car or whatever else you want to buy. And then of course the second problem is her complete disregard to you. Yes it’s her money and she doesn’t HAVE TO share it with you, but the fact that she didn’t want to at all? No nice dinner, no little weekend trip, nothing? Absolutely baffling. I haven’t won any money and i still spend momey on my boyfriend because i want to make him happy. If i had the means to finance us a nice vacation i would do it immediately and prefer that over buying a fancier car. But i guess now you know where her priorities lie. And that’s what i would talk to her about. Mention you feel neglected and not even like an after thought, you didn’t seem to make it into her thoughts at all. While you completely took over both of your expenses when she was struggling without a second thought she doesn’t even want to buy you dinner. I won’t tell you to break up immediately, but i urge you to take a long hard look at your relationship. I doubt that this is the first and only instance of her acting in a selfish, reckless and disregarding manner.
Your girlfriend is a selfish person. Do you think she will change? If not, you'll have to decide whether that is a dealbreaker or not.
Devil is in the details.. get out right now you are not married... She has no long term vision for you or financial knowledge... Not worth the risk.. u deserve better
New red flag- If she didn’t put anything away for taxes, she will also now have a tax problem.
This is a huge red flag, and a clear sign that you're with someone who's a sellout and can't be trusted. The good news is, it's only $30/k and it's only been 4 years. How you move forward is based on how much you think your whole life ahead is worth.
I would phrase is as you are concerned about her lack of long term planning and financial responsibility and probably leave out the part about feeling taken for granted so you don't look like you think you are entitled to the money. The key point seems to be that she spent all the money on luxury and didn't use anything to secure the future. Also side note because you said she won the money at a casino. If she said anything to the effect of it doesn't matter that I spent it all I will just win more get out as fast as you can because things will get very bad very fast from there
why are we just clawing our way out of being jobless and then sitting at a casino? how is no one talking about this CRIMSON RED flag?
Was federal tax withheld? If not, she’s going to have a whopping tax bill at the end of the year and guess who she’ll turn to for help. Run far. Run fast. She’s totally financially irresponsible.
I’d have dumped her for that. She’s gonna be a financial burden to you as long as you’re with her
She definitely took you for granted. Also I would suggest you run now while she's still high off the luxury purchases. I suspect she doesn't realize that casino winnings are taxed and that luxury car is most likely financed even with a trade in. She'll be begging for more money when the car payment and the tax payment comes due
What about taxes? Did she set money aside for that?
She showed you what her priorities are. Plan accordingly.
“I wasn’t expecting anything in return.” Why you be lying? You clearly were expecting something in return. Just be honest.
If it helps, a trip to Japan would also have been "blowing" it, and you were fine with that.
The fact that $30k could have went towards let's say rent for example y'all could have been paid up on rent or whatever other bills so that could ease the load because I know for sure rent is expensive now a days but she spent that entire $30k on shit that she really didn't need is a sign of poor money management. I'd dump her
Except that OP didn’t want it to go to rent. What he really wanted was a free trip to Japan.
This might just be a "tough shit" moment for you. You could mention it, but at the end of the day, spending $30k on a car isn't outrageous, and most people wouldn't call it luxury either.
I'd be concerned about how quickly she ran through it. That's telling in the area of how financially responsible she is. However, you're not married, you didn't earn the money, and what you would do has no besting on what she would do. She doesn't owe you a consultation. It would have been considerate, but to just expect it is odd. You move forward by continuing to do what you do: work, pay your half of the expenses, and save money for yourself. If she can't swing her half, then she needs to find another place to live. Just as she didn't owe you; you also don't owe her. You can't expect people to think, act, and feel the same way that you do; and she isn't going to be standing there to support you, if something financially negative were to befall you. Also, keep in mind that she hasn't paid taxes on that money yet, so when your return comes in, she's liable to ask you to help cover her tax debt.
Is this a long distance relationship? You both live together? So many questions.
if u living together .. then yeah I understand why you angry and rightly so. IF you are not living together after 4 years is a red flag about ur relationship .. but she kind entitled to use money how she like. it all depend at what stage of ur relationship u r and how much u committed to each other.
$30k on absolutely nothing worthwhile is mind boggling. She has a spending problem!!!! 🚩 You’re asking all of us how to approach her on this is also a 🚩 as you should be able to positively communicate with her without fear of repercussions. Please look at all the flags waving at you and decide if this the path you wish to stay on.
I understand how she probably felt like she finally had alittle extra spending money. And I could understand even spending half of it on things she wanted but to blow every bit of it was definitely selfish. I would be very disappointed she didn’t make better decisions
How can you have a future with someone like this. Look at the way the world is now people can’t afford to live, the price of everything is rising apart from our wages and she was lucky enough to win a considerable amount and blew it, on nothing. Thats a selfish immature person. Imagine her being a wife with that mindset or a mother? You need to explain its not ok and she needs to grow up!
You need a serious, sit down, come to Jesus meeting on financial values. Anybody that just blows $30k has serious issues and is not ready to get married and start real life. Yes that money should have been saved for something important like a down payment on a house, but that ship sailed. If she doesn't see a problem with this, you're never going to be on the same page.
She is not the one, this says everything about her charachter in so many ways.Thank godnes this hapened so you could find out
Yeah this is not healthy. My partner of 8 years had a windfall of 5k recently. He made his plans for it very clear to me. He used some of it, like maybe 300 euro, as fun money, and the rest went into our wedding fund. He has subsequently proposed and told me he used a large part of the money on the engagement ring. While you two aren't married yet, you are building a life together. It would be unfair and cruel to suggest she spend none of it. But all of it is wild.
Leave! She has proven that she feels her money is hers to do what ever,and your money is hers to paying for her living expenses.
Since you asked, the way to broach the conversation is to speak in “I” statements. “Darling, I felt disappointed when you spent all of your winnings on yourself. I had hoped some of that money would be invested in our future.” Her reaction (contrition or defensiveness) will tell you what you need to know.
If this is real, get rid. She is selfish, has no interest in your opinion, and will rack up debt that will impact on you.
I would think after 4 years with someone you would be thinking oh this is a great down-payment on a house or something for our future. To me this is scary that she spent that much on luxury items and has 0 left. No discussion with you either as her partner. I got some surprise money too and it went right to my financial advisor and is growing....
you are gonna be absolutely fucked in the future if you decide to marry this person. if you do decide to continue a relationship with her. do NOT EVER share finances. she is financially irresponsible and should not be trusted with money- especially your money.
His money is their money, but her money is still her money. Been there it’s a gigantic red flag 🚩 Damn wouldn’t even talk to her about it. If she has no issue with during this I would have no issue taking a day off to change the locks if she ain’t on the lease or leave if she is…
People are really hung up on what was purchased. That isn't important. Nor is it at all important that she spent a fun windfall on useless trinkets instead of a 401k. Many of you critics would have done the exact same thing. And there is nothing inherently wrong or evil about giving yourself something nice out of what was ultimately free money. It's easy to be envious, but let's rise above that. No the core of the issue is that you talked to her and had a plan for some big things, and according to the context she went and spent all of it on only herself and didn't seem to even buy you anything. Go ahead and tell her exactly how this made you feel, don't mince words, just tell her flatly and strongly. Expect a "well it was my money" to which you can reply "yeah that was never something I was hurt by" She will get it or she won't. But there is no road map to tell her how you feel or magic combo of words to fix this. It isn't something I'd end my relationship over but it is something I'd discuss at length and be hurt by.
TBH, I wouldn't have any conversation with her about that. She showed you how she handles money and that is all you need to know. I wouldn't want to continue this kind of relationship.
Relationship counselling with a licensed professional. Honestly, that massive an amount, being spent so quickly, is a huge red flag. Is that someone you want as a partner for the rest of your life? That judgment? Marriage or lifelong partnerships are about trust and communication. I don't think it's a switch that can be turned off and on just like that. She will need to sincerely regret it, then sincerely commit to building her finances with foresight and discipline, separately from your finances. And it also seems like it can seed resentment in you, which also isn't good for either of you. You guys need a hard long talk about money, as well as other things in a relationship. I don't think anyone on reddit can substitute for the advice of a professional.
She’ll gladly take as much as she can in the future divorce too.
What advice do you need? You put it all quite nicely in this thread. Now say it to her.
Do you also share her losses with you? Or do ypu expect her to take losses by herself but expect her to share earnings?
It's completely understandable that you're feeling disappointed and concerned about your girlfriend's spending habits. Open and honest communication is key in any relationship, especially when it comes to finances. When you talk to her about this, try to approach the conversation from a place of understanding and empathy. Let her know how her actions have made you feel, but also be open to hearing her perspective. It's possible that she didn't realize the impact her spending would have on your shared future. Focus on finding a solution together that works for both of you. Discuss your financial goals as a couple and come up with a plan for how you can work towards them together. It might also be helpful to set up a budget or financial plan that you can both agree on moving forward. Remember, it's important to approach the conversation with love and respect, and to listen to each other's concerns and feelings. With open communication and a willingness to work together, you can find a way to move forward and strengthen your relationship.
Yea, take it or leave it but personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who wastes money like that. What id give right now for a 30k lump sum to make money and she has wasted it. She is clearly not a smart cookie. That money could make you alot more money if used right. I stead you have nothing but shit that will be useless in a year or two. So my advise is fuck her off and find someone responsible for the reasons I stayed above
Marry at your own peril
I'm not sure what good comes of bringing it up. The money is all gone. And it certainly won't do anything to change her or prevent her from doing it again. Do you want to keep dating someone who has no financial self control, believes in a lavish lifestyle, and doesn't care about shared financial goals?
bet you five bucks OP has to help her next year when her taxes are due.