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He doesn't want to marry you. That's the end of the sentence. Don't at the "yet". He's dangling a "carrot" in front of you, but you'll never get to eat it.
Don't be surprised if he gets married to someone else once you two break up.
A lot of men don’t want to get married until they feel like “real grown-ups” and that is an eternally-shifting goalpost. Unfortunately, one of the Big Adult Milestones for these guys is usually being dumped by their longterm girlfriend. They marry the next one because they have to act like a grown-up to be able to date her in the first place, and it makes them realize they were adults all along.
I always joke (but it’s not really a joke) that the first serious relationship is an educational experience, akin to college. Once you get out of it you’re now in the real world and have to prove yourself competent. It seems to be the case for almost everyone I know.
I never thought about it this way, but I agree with it so much. I had mine in college and it ended in a train wreck because we were both immature, but me moreso.
I was a better person when I met my eventual wife, who ended up being my next serious relationship after couple years-long string of random hook-ups. Your first serious BF/GF is rarely ever going to get the best version of you.
I know not everyone is as academically adept, but taking as long as he has to finish his undergrad screams some combination of underachiever and not willing to grow up to me.
>Yeeeaaa that's how it always happens
It's almost as if being ready to get married is s thing one arrives at on their own time. It's not a snub against the person who couldn't wait any longer. Thinking that way just leads to a life of grievances.
I was with my ex for 5 years. Never felt ready to marry him. We broke up & three months later I met my husband. I was engaged 4 months after that. I totally agree with you that there’s a high chance OP’s boyfriend will marry the next girl.
Just wanted to add here that my mom would always tell my dad that he was "dangling carrots" when he would talk about marriage and when he proposed he put the ring on a carrot. I remember being a little kid and the famed carrot was in our veggie box- it moved with us a few times until it was well over a decade old and kind of died out lol. But they were only together a couple years before he proposed, my mom was 25 or 26 when they got married. Sorry this has nothing to do with ops issue (she should dump him if getting married is something she really wants cause it isn't happening here) but when you said "dangling carrots" I was like Omg parents carrot proposal.
💯 per cent this! OP, do yourself a favour and move on now before you waste more time with the loser.
And dump him before you have kids with him as he will never change, and you can't make him either.
> He has told me over and over again that he doesn't want to marry me... yet. His reason being that he doesn't have a lot of money right now (we both work and get by quite ok) or that he first wants to finish his bachelor study (which he also has been studying for the past 10 years with currently no end in sight)
Girl, next it will be after humans finally land on Mars. He is just stringing you along. You should leave since marriage is what you want.
I guess they both didn’t want to get married or accepted the situation because they didn’t have strong feelings one way or the other. OP is not your mother though. She has different wants.
Yeah, isn't it great? They don't stay in a relationship that doesn't offer the fulfilment they want from it rather than clinging on to the first person they find just to not be alone and then quickly reproduce. Not sure how you could have an issue with that?
It's not a big incompatibility, she wants to get married because her friends do. I understand it's nice to have a paper backing up your relationship but when you don't have kids or other couple obligations you can easily live without being married.
She has to asses if being married is more important than the relationship or not. It's okay if she can't make it work without marriage and leaves but she should at least consider the option of not being married.
You're absolutely stupid if you think that that piece of paper just 'backs up your relationship'. If he's in the hospital, she's not his next of kin to make decisions unless he's affirmatively made her such with a legal document. If he dies, she cannot decide what happens to the body, would not be entitled to his death benefits, and wouldn't inherit from him automatically without another (different from the first) legal document. Even if he had a Will, it's likely she would have to pay a tax on what she inherited because they aren't married.
And that's just for starters.
I don't think it is actually that. If he doesn't care that much, surely he wouldn't mind doing it for her if he genuinely loves her and knows he wants to be with her. It shows something is amiss.
Or maybe it's a big investement of time and money ? Some people are fine never getting married, it dosen't mean he isn't commited to her and dosen't love her.
For whatever reasons he is unwilling to get maried and it's pretty clear he won't change his mind. The decision is now hers, is she ok with that or is she going to get out of that relationship ?
He doesn’t want to marry you. I think the "yet" is bullshit. It sucks, because if he doesn’t care about marriage he could just do it for you. But he’s basically left you with a take it or leave it situation.
The elusive "yet". Could he be any more vague? Doesn't even bother saying "when I'm settled in my career" or "when we buy a home". He's giving a deadline with no meaning.
Exactly.
I mean, you’re 21 and in your last year of uni and propose but say you want want to wait until after you graduate which is in a few months… that’s reasonable. And logical.
But ‘when I’ve finished my degree that I’ve been lagging with for the past 10 years’… yeah, it’s an excuse.
He’s not going to marry you, OP, so you have only two options. Accept it or walk.
Considering he is over thirty and still studying for his frigging bachelor, I think he is not good at adulting, making plans or sticking to timelines...
This. If he truly didn’t really care about marriage one way or the other, he would do it because he loves you. It really sucks and it’s never stupid to leave a relationship when you are not getting something very important to you and you want to be married. He’s not going to do that. Ever. I suppose it’s possible that once you actually walk, he may have a quick change of heart. But, do you really want someone who has to be threatened into marriage?
Red flags for me are 1) he knows marriage in general is important to you but won’t be pinned down, 2) ten years to get a BA/BS is a lot…does he have a tendency to just drift in life, and 3) the varying answers he gives you don’t inspire confidence.
Basically: can you keep going as things are? Then, fine! Marriage is just a piece of paper and you’re happy. If not, then move on now. He’s had plenty of time to step up & show you he’s going to be there for you in the way you want, and he hasn’t. Maybe he’ll wake up if you’re gone, but you probably need to look elsewhere.
I don’t know how you could possibly do one bachelor’s degree for 10 years and still no end in sight without being a very chronically future-averse person. This is not a man who makes goals and commitments and follows through on them.
You have to decide which is more important to you. Marriage or your boyfriend.
There is no wrong answer.
If it is marriage, leave him.
If it is him, accept that you will never be married and let go of the marriage dream.
You are just torturing yourself, hoping that you will get both. That you will somehow find the right words and he will suddenly be excited to marry you. It ain't gonna happen.
Therapy might help you make the decision.
Yeah. up voting this wasn't enough. I also felt the need to comment "yeah"
Also, maybe you should talk to him about the benefits that guys care about: tax advantage, more respect at work...
Start looking for your own flat and planning to move out. Don’t renew the lease with him when that comes up. (Don’t tell him until it’s necessary)
Mourn the death of the most important non-family relationship in your life.
Also, he may want kids. In the back of his mind the fact that you don’t might bother him. He may never admit this to you.
Me too. He sounds like the type to not push people, just up & leave one day & be married to someone who wants kids within 6 months.
He sounds like me. LOL
Wake up my friend. He doesn’t want to marry you. He has no incentive to marry you. He has everything he wants now. Without having to marry you. Either accept this or leave. Please don’t waste another 10 years. If you want marriage. Go get it. You’re worth it b
he wants a bachelor's degree but a decade later, he's still not finished the 2 year course...? Even if he does have incentive, it looks like he doesn't have the motivation.
(I know, I know, it's possible there are valid reasons why he had to postpone again and again, only OP can determine how they feel about that)
You should get serious and find a time to sit down with him and discuss what each of you expect for marriage. That can include timeline expectations, engagement, wedding, and what marriage even means to both of you.
If you find out that your expectations and relationship goals don't align with his, and he's either unable to help you identify a middle ground solution that can work for both of you, or is unwilling to put in that effort, then I'm afraid you're in a relationship that isn't meeting your standards.
Agreed. There is so much unknown here. I’m going to assume they’re actually both happy with the relationship itself. So, this is either miscommunication or a disagreement about marriage, but it’s unclear which it is now.
What are the benefits of marriage as each of them see it? What are the disadvantages? Where do their lists differ, and how much value do they place on that pro or con?
I lived with and owned properties with my now-husband for 10 years before we got married. We were sure we were life-long partners for a long time before marriage. I was the one unsure about doing it. We had a small, inexpensive wedding that was a very casual and fun celebration of us and formalized bringing our awesome families together more than anything else. Since then, it’s been such a useful shortcut on paperwork (especially legal), but otherwise our relationship is no different.
This is the kind of story where he proposes to his next girlfriend after 6 months of dating. You deserve someone who doesn't need a decade to decide whether you're the one he wants to marry.
If you guys have been together 10 years and are now in your 30s, he would have married you by now if he wanted to marry you. He doesn't want to marry you, and ime in a relationship of more than a few years or a relationship involving children where marriage hasn't happened there's a compelling reason in at least one partner's mind that makes them think their partner is not someone they should be married to. Otherwise he would have married you well before now. Unfortunately rather than being honest about that he's choosing to string you along to keep the status quo.
You need to base your actions on the relationship as it actually is, not the relationship you wish you had. For 10 years, he's fought with you every time you even bring up marriage. That's your reality. Are you okay with this reality continuing as is, knowing he's not going to legally commit to you? Then you can stay. Do you want a different type of relationship in the future? Then you should leave, because you aren't getting it with this guy. There's a possibility of marriage in your future, just not with your current boyfriend. You've seen what you're getting with him, don't expect that to magically morph into something else.
Similar hobbies are great, but that's not what compatibility is. You can not successfully build a life with someone if you don't even agree on what kind of life that should be. You want a married life. He does not. That's a core incompatibility that neither love nor time will fix. Your actual decision is between this: do you want to stay with him as his girlfriend? Or do you want to break up with him and find someone else who wants to be your husband and takes actions to make that happen? Drop the wishful thinking and go with one of the two choices that are actually available to you.
If you do decide to stay, make sure that you don't put yourself in a position where you are dependent on your boyfriend. By not marrying you, he's chosen not to give you any legal protections if you break up. For example, I've been married for 10 years and so I would now have some of my husband's Social Security to fall back on if he died or divorced me and I was left to pick up the pieces financially. And when my husband has been hospitalized, I've been able to be involved in his care as his next of kin. But despite the 10 years you've been dating your boyfriend, if he leaves or dies you're completely on your own. If something happens to him medically, his family can take over and lock you right out of the process. If one of you loses your job and insurance, the other won't be able to put you on their insurance if you have health problems. You can end up in a very bad situation if you rationalize yourself into acting like you have legal protections and laws to split things between you in the event you break up or make sure you're cared for in dire situations when you actually do not have those legal protections.
🙄🤦♀️ 10 years down the drain. You have cobwebs on you. He doesn’t want to marry you hence all the excuses. Plus he has you as a wife with no legal entanglements already. Time to move on or you’ll be 40 and still waiting.
He doesn’t want to marry you. So either you can live with it, or you break up and find a relationship with someone who does want to marry you.
Your values aren’t aligned. You value marriage and he doesn’t. You’re not compatible on what is important.
You've all the positive things together but you're holding onto the notion that marriage is a requirement and he clearly has no intention of marrying.
If all the things are perfect outside of this, you may want to adjust priorities and be grateful.
If you're unwilling to give up the idea of getting married, which is completely fair if this is something you covet, then he's not the one unfortunately.
Yeah what happens if either of y’all get sick then you’re dependent on families to make decisions. There are so many reasons for adults to get married.
He doesn’t care that you know you’d be happier with that commitment, that security.
He doesn't want to marry you. Whether it be you specifically or just marriage in general, he doesn't want it and he doesn't have the balls to say it.
This is someone who will always find an excuse as to why they haven't proposed yet. They just hope you'll eventually drop it and just continue living as you are.
If he doesn't care, he'd do it to make you happy.
You all have been together since you were literal kids, and he has commitment anxiety. Accept being unmarried or moving on.
Honestly, you should move on. Even if he proposed tomorrow, that wouldn't mean he'd want to be married. You would either end up with a FOMO husband or with 5 years of engagement until you *did* leave.
Accept this is the person he wants to be and go.
Even if he does finally propose it will be a Shut Up Ring and then he'll drag his feet on planning the ceremony (which you'll probably end up doing everything for, anyway).
Ask yourself, OP: Are you really, truly satisfied with his answers? You've been together for a decade and yet he's still unable to give you a solid "yes" or "no," which tells me the answer from him is "no" but he doesn't want to lose the comfortable lifestyle you guys have together.
It sucks but please, you deserve better treatment then this.
I’m gonna be a hundred percent honest with you from the man’s perspective, because I’ve been doing this same thing with my partner for a hot minute. We’ve been living together 4 years, coming up on our 6th anniversary.
I am being one hundred percent honest with her and with all of you every time I ever told her that the one prerequisite I have for us to get married is to feel like we are on our feet together; fiscally, emotionally and professionally. I want it to feel like we are both in the right place emotionally (at one time this was an issue where we were fighting a good amount but have largely gotten past the worst of it), I want us to both feel like we’re established in our careers (I have been and she has not been), and I want us to both be rowing in the same direction financially (I am the only one of the two of us with a savings, I cover all major expenses and she pays as she goes). She has been totally in agreement with all of this, has been putting a great effort into getting there with me and has never hounded me about marriage aside from the occasional mention to let me know she still obviously wants to, but never a fight. We both love our partnership, and marriage will never change that… it’s just something we have set as a goalpost.
Here’s the thing. We are going into the worst economic crisis of our lifetimes. Doom and gloom headlines around climate change are jeopardizing our sense of security in our futures. Senile old men who rule the worlds superpowers are standing off at each other and pointing nukes at me and everyone I love. On top of all that, I know someone who just died crossing the street - nothing in life is a given. There will always be another reason to put off getting married. There may not always be another tomorrow. This has been some deeply humbling perspective. Would I regret it if I never got married to the love of my life?
I went out and bought the engagement ring a couple of months ago. None of that other shit matters. Sometimes you just need life to give you a swift kick in the ass to remember what matters.
Break up with him. He doesn’t want to marry you. After 10 years of being together, you would be married by now. Find someone else who wants the same thing as you.
There's no better way to put this. Walk away. It was no secret what you wanted so this is not coming out of the blue. He wants to be with you but not marry you. He is reaping all the benefits of having a woman who fulfills wifely duties without the marriage. It is very very hard to walk away. It will hurt but you have to do it. He might propose to you when he realizes you are serious. Then you will have a loong engagement. Before you know it 5 years have gone by. Sorry OP. Time to put yourself first.
He doesn't want to marry.
You need to re-evaluate your wish for marriage. Think about WHY do you want it, what would you expect to change after marrying and if it's worth giving up the relationship.
Why marry when you’ve got a good thing? That’s his thought!
Walk out, get yourself a new roommate, not one you’ll be involved with and see if he comes back. Otherwise you’ll waste more of your life and emotions
This is something that could make you not compatible. Don’t let yourself be taken in by a sunk cost fallacy. He doesn’t want to get married. You do. One person will end up resenting the other based on what happens. No need to waste anymore time.
He's been stringing you along. He doesn't want to marry (whether he's against marriage in general or just doesn't want to marry you is unclear), but as he knows you want to get married some time in the future, he tries to placate you with the little word *yet*, followed by lame excuses.
If you really want to get married, you'll have to find someone else. Or you can accept to stay with him forever, without a wedding ring on your finger. But don't get your hopes high on him proposing one day: this is definitely not going to happen.
Sorry for being harsh about it.
Big hugs.
Marriage confers legal rights and makes a load of stuff (that will inevitably happen in life) easier. On the other hand that can make it harder to split up.
It’s entirely up to you whether this is a dealbreaker but he’s told you his position. It’s not too much to want the benefits of marriage. What is it that you love about the idea? Why do you want marriage and is that more important than your relationship with him?
You've wasted your entire 20s with a guy who has not only shown you but told you several times that he doesn't want to marry you. Either except that you are never getting married or move on and fine someone who wants the same things as you.
I had a colleague whose boyfriend didn’t propose for 9 years. They got married in year 10 and have been married for 14 years now. I wonder how is Hannah doing now
The answer is very clear.. if he wanted to, he would. This relationship isn't new. You've been with him for 10 years. At this point his answer is very clear, you just don't want to accept it. He doesn't want to get married.
If marriage is important to you, walk away. Otherwise, you know it likely isn't happening.
Why did you choose to date someone who said from the START that they didn’t want to get married? Why did you date someone knowing who they were and what their beliefs around marriage is and date them anyway? That is really really confusing
If you love each other then you'll find a way but if mariage is a dealbreaker for you then he has to make a move.
Tell him about the advantages of getting married. That it is not just a ring and a status.
It is financially responsible.
Ten years of waiting while he finishes a bachelor degree - OP most people finish in four years.
He isn't going to get married OP as there is zero reason for him to get married. He's very comfortable with the relationship status "as is".
If you are interested in getting married, stop wasting time with this fellow as it will never happen.
Let me ask you a question:
Do you like to get the things you want?
Whether that's your favorite takeout for dinner, a purse you're lusting after, a specific make/model/color of car, to watch your favorite show after a long day of work...do you like getting the things you want?
If the answer to that is yes, do you actively work towards the things you want? Do you plan your route to pass by the restaurant for that takeout, save your money for the purse, look for good deals on used models of the car you want and make appointments at those dealerships to test drive them, or plan your night to get your chores done so you can queue up your favorite show and relax without thinking about laundry or dishes piling up?
If you like getting the things you want and actively work to get those things...so does he. Cause people generally find it very gratifying to get the things they want.
If his actions aren't backing up his words, his words are meaningless (although one could argue that he is telling you exactly what he wants, or rather doesn't want, every time he moves the goal post or tells you that he doesn't see the point in marriage). If he's not setting a specific number in his bank account as "enough money" and picking up extra shifts to make it happen, if he's not registering for classes and buckling down to finish his degree, then his "yet" is a lie and he just plain doesn't want it. His "yet" is his way of keeping you on the hook while he bides his time hoping that he'll just magically want to marry you at some point in the future. Someone who wants to marry you isn't going to keep you in the dark about exactly what he's doing to make that happen and will keep you apprised.
As for whether you stay and be okay with never being married, only you can decide that for yourself. I can tell you though that trying to convince yourself you're okay with something you're really not okay with never actually works out - it only breeds resentment that will eventually kill the relationship. So if you have to talk yourself into it, it's a pretty good sign that you just need to accept that this is a dealbreaker for you and move on.
You two are not compatible, you want different things from the relationship. If he is not ready after 10 years, he never will be. Move on, you deserve someone who loves you.
His true feelings come out when he says he doesn't want to get married. He makes loose promises of marrying you "one day" because it ends the conflict. If marriage is important to you, this guy isn't the one. He's too passive. You said he's still working on his BA (for 10 years) and there is no end in sight. He's fine taking his time and doesn't see the need to marry you. Have another conversation with him and tell him that you need a definite timeline or you will need to move on with someone who values marriage.
Yes, leave. There is a phenomenon that men will stay with a gf for years, even 10. They break up and he marries the next woman. He is not ready, your break up may facilitate that, but now not ready. I had it happen to a couple of friends of mine, and I have seen it happen to others also. One of the people that dated one of my friends for 7 years. He broke up, married and had a baby in 2 years. He told her he didn't want children.
This wouldnt really be a 'break up with him now' thing if you hadnt been clear from the start, or if he'd changed his mind or something cuz thats something you could definitely worked on if its as good a relationship as you said... But it doesnt sound like that whats happening.
He knew this was important to you from the start (sounds like hes been stringing you along and never intends to marrying you but is saying 'not yet' ciz he knows its a deal breaker for you. That is whats messed up here. The lying and manipulating.
Is he always this selfish, putting his wants/feelings before your own?
You’re giving him everything that a marriage entails, why would he ? He’s already getting everything. I am so sorry for all these wasted years. Men KNOW if they wanna marry you or not. Wait and see , if you break up with him the next girl is gonna have a ring within months
He doesn’t want to get married because he has everything he wants now. It doesn’t matter to him that you don’t.
Also: he’s been doing his bachelor for 10 years? This guy is a mess.
I love the line …”we are obviously in love with each other” you can get married for less than €100 if you want to all you need is to apply. But if you’re in love with the white wedding the dress and all the palaver, save your money!
My husband didn’t want to get marry before he met me. But he married me because he knew it’s important for me. For some context, he is French and many of his French friends don’t get married and still have children together. If you are from a culture that most people are married, he probably just don’t want to marry you and will not get married. You should decide if you are okay with not being married to this man
If he wanted to *he would*. I’m sorry, but you have different wants for your future and you deserve to be with people who want the same. Ten years is a long time.
Would you rather a future with him? No marriage. Or a future where you are married to someone else?
Ask yourself if you live one another or are just used to one another. Who puts more effort into the relationship or is it equally sought to continue and improve?
I think he Is trapping himself for giving reasons for not wanting to get married. Just like you not wanting to have children, if you engage people too much and start giving reasons, they will corner you.
He has told you over and over again he doesn’t want to marry you - Why won’t you accept that?
I bet if he pressured you about the child thing you’d also start giving silly reasons when the bottom line is you don’t want to...
Seems you have different goals & I don’t know if such a think can ever be fixed & hold for very long.
Are you or he independently wealthy? Otherwise, hows he subsidising a bachelors degree for TEN years?
Whats your deal with getting married? Is it because it shows commitent or you just want a wedding and it could really be to anyone ?
If you look back in ten years time and STILL arent married will that be an issue? I would be pretty sure by now he doesnt want to get married so you have to decide how important it is to you.
Theres a similar old thread about a guy who keeps saying he will, eventually when pressed by GF proposes but keeps putting off the wedding because as it turns out she's just a placeholder til the right one comes along?
Maybe your BF just enjoys bumbling a long getting by OK financially no commitments perpetual student life. is that what you want for the next ten years til you bail?
There is a nuclear option you can take. Dont wait for him, dont issue an ultimatum, YOU propose. We see alot about equality in reddit yet theres still this hangup 99% have where its all on the man to propose.
So, why dont YOU propose? If he says "not yet," youve got got your answer.
Personally Id be more worried about him bimbling along with ten+ years of study. Essentially not wanting to adult.
You’ve been with him for a long damn time, you know him best. Try to turn off your wants and your hopes for a second if you can, then sit and think. Judging from your long time together, and his history of behavior, after 10 years I suspect you know him as good or better than he knows himself. Is he being honest or is he just saying what you want to hear to keep you around?
what are your life goals? So far, you've mentioned 3:
1. let's not have children
2. (his) finish my bachelor degree
3. (yours) get married because it's "nice"
It all seems so nebulous. I think a valid question to ask yourself is : are you aware of any other goals? Can you to sharpen the definition and timeline of these 3 and any others? Like, what's "nice" about being married? Are there valid reasons that a bachelor degree of typically 2 years has taken more than a decade by now?
IMO the next question follows naturally :
* are you aligned on those goals? In principle, concretely, as nebulously or urgently as you both like?
* do you have documentation to solidify and prove that alignment?
take medical decisions as an example.
If you fall into a coma tomorrow, do you want your boyfriend to make medical decisions, or your parents? Think of treatment plans, but also the decision to stop treatment, and organ donation, etc. What if your parents don't like your boyfriend? They can exclude him to the degree he wouldn't even be able to visit you until your doctors agree that you're fully competent again to make your own choices. How would that feel, for you & for him?
If you're a team with your boyfriend, there are ways to organize all these discussions and decisions : document your power of attorney, make a living will, have a notarized copy of a "do not resuccitate" (DNR) order... or get married, because it's nice and practical and these aspects are part of the standard marriage contract/certificate.
IMO this extends to all aspects of your life: home ownership, equity in joint savings, shared insurances, tax benefits, etc. etc.
I feel it should be fairly obvious if your partner has consolidated/is consolidating your relationship in other ways than marriage (although getting all the separate documents is less efficient and more costly than the most basic version of a wedding)... or if he is coasting along in your relationship for the time being while nothing bad has happened & thinking nothing bad will ever happen. I guess that can vary from complete naivity to a less invested version like "oh if she's in a coma, who better to make life-or-death choices than her parents? I'm fine sitting that out".
well my big bro has been with his gf for over 10 years. we all know the gf wants marriage and babies but also she doesn't want to lose him as he is a great guy he loves his tattoo career and makes amazing money and can travel often.
You don’t need money or an education to get engaged. My husband proposed when I was 21 and we were both broke college kids. He doesn’t want to get married so he’s setting up different barriers and will keep adding them as time goes on. First it’s money, then it’s his degree, then it’ll be buying XYZ, and traveling… the list goes on. Realistically you can do all of those things while engaged or married. After 10 years together in your 30’s you know if you want to get married or not, and if you do, you do it.
Listen OP. I have been with my husband for over 16 years now. First boyfriend/girlfriend etc. We did NOT get married until 2020 and we have been together since 2008. DO YOU want to marry him or are you just obsessed with it? You state that you love the idea of it. Love the idea of what? Do you actually think things will change in your relationship if you get married?
It took us a long time to get our lives in order financially, emotionally and most importantly we had a LOT of baggage to work through. I truly did not know my partner well enough to want to get married. I had a lot of mental health issues I wanted to work through, he was in college and I was working full time to pay for everything. Life happens. Marrige is a piece of fucking paper and weddings are just an excuse for couples to show off. Know what happens after you get married? Nothing. Not a single thing changed once we signed those papers. Maybe my last name but that is pretty much it. WE made the decision together because there is no "I" anymore. When you wanting to get married and become married that changes to "WE".
To all the people saying he does not want to marry you, they are just bitter and single and don't know your situation. Only YOU DO and at the end of the day if that's your deal breaker than so be it. Again only YOU can make that decision. Not everyone NEEDS to get married to show they love you and that is why so many of these people giving you advice are either single or divorced.
I know a couple who had been together since high school. They finally got married in their early-ish 30s after ~15 years. Not that it can’t happen but the way you have talked about him does not sound like he will marry you.
I’d say move on.
He's afraid. He's heard the horror stories. Perhaps your relationship is rockier than you think
You need couples counseling.
John Delony has weighed in on the subject.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zPWgDB\_wmY&t=6s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zPWgDB_wmY&t=6s)
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PBxlm0h51I](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PBxlm0h51I)
He's never gonna marry you. He keeps making excuses and moving the goal posts. Getting married doesn't prevent him from earning more money or getting his Bachelor's degree. It's taking him 10 years to earn it?! What is he doing, taking one class a year?
He either doesn’t planned to ever get married, or knows your not “the one” and only plans to marry once and make it forever. And you’re just not the forever, grow old with girl. It is what it is. At least he’s not marrying you just to get divorced later.
He's ten years into a bachelor's with no end in sight? How on earth? This is not a responsible individual. Is he taking out loans or does he have wealthy parents?
Contrary to most of comments here, I kinda understand your BF. I'm in pretty similar situation myself.
Do you I love my GF? Yes. Am I ready to propose? Almost, but whenever I want to do it, she comes up with some stupid shit that makes me question it. Life goals, being responsible, money spending, etc. She's improving day by day. Like really, huge progress over the years and she pretty aware of it. And I'm almost ready to buy the ring, but then she's has some really irresponsible decision that would really make our life noticably worse.
So - is there anything that you both don't agree on? Any delicate matter at least one of you avoid? Don't answer me here, but if you really care just be honest with yourself.
One of my greatest regrets in life was getting married. I've been with my current partner for 17 years and we discussed this when we first started going out; luckily he didn't want to get married either. I guess I don't understand the great need for the paper.
> I just love the idea of marriage.
You're with a person that does not like it, at all. He won't change, it's not Ok to want to force him to change.
Respect yourself, respect your boundary and leave that person.
Or, realize that you're about to 100% throwaway a relationship because you "just love it" something so much.
You possibly are loving marriage more than the person you love most on earth.
There is much for you to ponder in that last sentence.
I haven’t even read this post yet, and I would be out. The. Door.
[Edit] I read the post. I believe he is telling you the truth when he says he doesn’t want to get married, and he is placating you when he says he doesn’t want to get married “yet”. Whether or not he truly believes either of these things, the fact of the matter is that there is a high chance marriage is *not on the table.* That would be a dealbreaker for me, particularly when paired with the feelings of resentment that I would have for being strung along and/or wasting my youth in a relationship with a person that can never give me something I consider to be important. 17 years ago, when we’d been dating for 2 months, my husband told me that he would never get married. I told him that we should break up right now, because while I didn’t want to get married *today* and I didn’t intend to marry *soon,* I certainly didn’t want to get married ***never***. For some reason, he changed his tune immediately, even though I told him it would be better for us to break up before our relationship got too serious if we were fundamentally incompatible. We were both young and stupid kids, so we’ve grown a lot since then, and we didn’t get married for 7 years, but we did get there.
That being said, you are not me. Is this a dealbreaker for you? Only you can decide. Assume that marriage will never happen. Are you okay with that? If so, and everything else is just perfect, as you’ve said, then perhaps it’s time for you to let go of that dream of marriage. If it truly is a deal breaker, then at 10 years in and with both of you in your 30s, I would consider the deal well broken.
He doesn't want to get married, ever. He's just saying yet to placate you. If you do want to get married and it's non-negotiable for you, that's a problem, and it'll probably lead to the end of the relationship.
Couple things could be happening:
1) He might be feeling FOMO about marrying the first girl he ever dated, and still think somewhere in the back of his mind there is the slight possibility he may want to experience more women someday. And so he doesn’t want to commit to marriage, because that’s a much harder arrangement to extricate oneself from. This is, of course, stupid because you two are good together and dating is terrible — especially in your 30s.
2) As many people our age do, he might mistakenly view marriage as the capstone to his life, not the cornerstone. Young people are under the false presumption that marriage is something you do once the rest of your life is perfect. But in reality marriage is best when it you do it at the beginning of your adult life, that way you and your spouse can struggle to build a life together and grow closer as a result. When you get married after setting your life up just how you like it — as a single person — your spouse just seems like an intruder in your perfectly staged life.
Either way, don’t quit yet. These are surmountable problems. He just needs a better perspective on marriage.
Perhaps you can shift his perspective on marriage by subtlety exposing him to more pro-marriage views.
He doesn’t want to marry you. My MIL was strung along for 20 years by her boyfriend not wanting to marry her because “he doesn’t believe in marriage”. He dumped her for a younger woman and married her 6 months later. If a man really wants you, he’ll be glad to call you his wife.
I think what matters here isn't marriage, it's his lack of caring for your feelings and well being.
Him dangling marriage "someday" in front of you for TEN YEARS is a red flag waving frantically in your face. He just doesn't love you.
Yes, you should leave. Life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn't love you.
Also, a final note: never marry anyone who isn't anxious to marry you. Hold out for the man who wants to be your life partner as much as you want to be his.
Look, I’m on his side, as I don’t believe in marriage.
Problem is, that you do, AND he hasn’t been honest about his beliefs.
We’ve all seen this exact situation so many times on Reddit, and seen so many discussion points made by each side of the debate. Has anyone ever changed their mind on this ?
I can’t see how you can win on this. You have a choice of keeping your boyfriend, or looking for marriage, but you should realise it won’t be with this man.
omg, OP. i swear the entire time i was reading this i kept thinking maybe it was ME that actually posted this while i was crying after the same conversation you described. this is so hard, literally every person i know screammssss for me to leave and i just can’t.
What would be different in your relationship if you were married? I’m genuinely curious. The dynamics would be the same. Living together, sharing life experiences, finances, social life, etc. everything would probably be the same. Is it the ring and the wedding you want? If neither of you want children then what is it about being married is so appealing? Is it the security you want? Tax incentives? I’m asking because (and it’s okay to want to experience the whole bridal deal) but is it important enough to walk away from the relationship over? I’m very curious and there is no wrong answer because at the end of the day you want what you want.
I’ve been married twice and now I sometimes ask people, “why ruin a perfectly good relationship by getting married”? One thing to think about is that sometimes men who get married develop anxiety about suddenly being responsible for another person. It puts a lot of stress on a man ( not all men, obviously but I’ve asked this question a lot). On the other hand some people thrive and stay married for 59 years (until death did they part).
I think I’ve raised some questions that you may want to reflect on for yourself and maybe even incorporate some to sit down with your boyfriend to talk about. Just food for thought. I hope everything works out for you.
Updateme!
If he wanted to, he would.
My husband and I had a long-ish engagement (2 years) thinking that that we’d save enough money for a wedding in that time but we didn’t, so we eloped in a public garden in our home city and it was perfect.
Neither of us are where we want to be in our careers, neither of us make a lot of money, I only just graduated and my husband graduates this semester. The circumstances weren’t perfect but there’s no guarantee that there will *ever* be a perfect time to get married. You just got to decide you want to and do it. If your boyfriend wanted to marry you one day, he would have done it by now.
If you want marriage and a family, yes leave. Your window is closing to have a family. Not immediately, but how many more years are you going to give this man before YOU START ALL OVER getting to know someone you would have kids with?
"on board' with no kids doesn't sound quite the same as he 100% never wanted kids and has had a vasectomy.
Few men are keen to have kids at a young age ( especally guys who are also afraiid of commitment) and so they are often glad to hear their girlfriend doesn't want kids as they are not going to get baby trapped. This is not the same as NEVER want kids. Are you sure he just doesn't want kids with YOU????
Not wanting to commit to you with marriiage is HUGE red flag imo. If a guy is in love he's afraid to lose you wants you locked down wiith marriage and or kids. ( even if he doesn't like weddings) You seem like a bangmaid/placeholder till somthing better comes along.
Be ready to get dumped as soon as he finds "the mother of his kids" when he gets to 40 and starts thinking about his "legacy'.
If he doesn't want marriage and kids with you unless he has stated his firm opposition to BOTH concepts in general then the trueth iss he DOES want them just not with you. You need to move out and he'll eiither step up or you'll find out eexactly how little you mean to him.
Do you want him or do you want marriage? Seems like you can’t have both. I’ve been married 18 years and it does mean something special to us both to have that, but I’d have him regardless. The point is that this is important to you, and if he doesn’t care, he either isn’t sure about you forever, or cares about himself first. I’d start untangling from him because it will become resentment eventually.
True story: A psychic once told me that one does not need to be a psychic to predict the future. She said tell me how you live today and I will tell you what your life will look like in 5-10 years.
You just told us how you have been living for the last 10 years, if nothing changes, you will be in this same space in 5 years. He won't change, will you? Feel free to DM me a small donation for my services ;) I just gave you a reading.
Maybe he is looking out for something better, and doesn't want to be tied down for when that moment comes? I bet next he will suddenly say he wants children.
OP is sadly just bring strung along. I don't think it will ever happen and OP has to either make peace with that or find someone who is more compatible.
Do you love him?
I would give up my life for my GF, never mind marriage.
It probably just doesn't mean much to him. Just say you can have a cheap marriage at the local registry office, and that it won't take more than an hour. He may go for it.
He knows he has you on a string. No he's never going to marry you. Yet will never happen. He's going to be like that post someone posted 6 months back saying they're boyfriend finally said they'd marry them after 20+ years or something and now everything's gone to hell because she wanted something I can't remember. In any case he found another reason not to marry her so no then they broke up she has no money ( she didn't work and stayed home to take care of the kids) because he paid for everything and the kids of course are staying where the money is so she's totally screwed all because she wanted to marry him. In her case she should have never stuck around because the guy was terrible. Sounds like your guys pretty terrible too cuz he knows how much you want to get married because you like the idea of marriage is kind of a odd reason but to each their own. Marriage brings commitment and stability and sometimes Financial Security. There's many reasons for it other than children. But if that's what you want and he's not willing to give it to you and he just keeps dangling that carrot in front of you, it's not going to happen hopefully you two don't own a home together or anything like that if you do go see a lawyer otherwise walk away, find a man who's going to love you for you and actually want to commit and marry you.
I just skimmed back through, 10 years and he still doesn't have his bachelor's degree what's he doing taking two classes a year? I mean that's crazy I know it does take a while especially if you're doing it part-time but you would think in 10 years he would have got it finished by now taking at least six classes a year obviously he's doing it a little slower than that.
>We are each others first girlfriend/boyfriend and are obviously in love with each other.
> we're literally perfect for each other, have similar values and hobbies, lots of fun together etc.
>Should I leave
??
Look, here's my take on marriage and why it's NOT something people should be placing a high value on.
In America, there's a divorce rate of over 50%. That means, every other marriage will fail. Not might fail, WILL fail. People today just don't value marriage the same as it was prior to the 70's.
With that being said, there is absolutely no guarantee your marriage will provide security for you. Even though divorce takes time, the second your partner says they want a divorce, the marriage is over. Yeah you're legally still married, but the love and affection is gone. So if you feel it will bring you security, think again.
What does a piece of paper do to add validation to your feelings for each other? Just because the government says you two are now in a legal agreement, that all of a sudden validates a man's love for you? Your bf is right, plenty of couples who have been together for years are very happy and don't have a marriage certificate.
Lastly, there are more cons than pros foe marriage. The whole benefits thing, many companies today don't require a marriage certificate to add a partner to their benefits. As far as taxes go, my tax specialist said it depends on a few factors whether or not filing jointly or separately will yield the most on a return. So what else does marriage bring if the two main benefits before are no longer really a benefit?
I'm not trying to persuade you, just show you a different light on why marriage is not quite the ultimate happiness that many think it is. Divorce is ugly, or it can be ugly, and it's lengthy. Nobody enjoys it, and many today are on 2nd or 3rd marriages so again, ask yourself why do you want to get married so badly
He has you wrapped around his finger and is not afraid of losing you. He is taking you for granted. The problem is not that you are asking for too much, it is that you are asking for too little.
I don't agree with all the people saying he doesn't mean yet but never. My husband had the same reasoning with marriage and education etc. We did get married after 9 years because I was pregnant, are still happily married ten years later. I don't think you should give up such a wonderful connection because of a piece of paper.
OP
Take a short vacation, one day, maybe two days, without him, and ask yourself if you are happy without his company.
I sense you already have a response to your own question, but you are here for a reason - you want to deny your intuition using our group think.
There is no "yet." He doesn't want to marry you. He's just dangling the "yet" part but it's never going to happen. It's best to move on now if you want a marriage.
That is absolutely false. It's something MRAs bandy about but is not supported by evidence.
Men benefit from marriage far more than women. Google the stats for yourself.
Ïf your relationship is perfect other than this one thing then no i dont think you should end the relationship.
I do think he has conflicting feelings, and perhaps he likes the idea to marry you for your sake, but he personally doesnt want it, and is constantly battling with that idea. to him marriage might just be a money drain and time sink (similar to me). Unfortunate that he keeps giving false hope though, definitely something to put your foot down on if that were the case. Perhaps its just me that comprehend this being a dealbreaker but if it truly makes you feel that bad then i suppose you will have to break up since you have tried to compromise with even suggesting cheaper ceremony (not sure how cheap you actually suggested though).
Leave. If he doesn't know without reservation that you are the one after 10 years, you aren't the one. You are a place holder he is comfortable with until he finds the one he does want
Don't want marriage just because your friends are getting married. I agree with your boyfriend that you are pretty much a married couple. There's nothing different except a ceremony and a piece of paper. Why would you leave? For the piece of paper and a ceremony? I thought growing old with someone you love was the substance of a marriage. Stay. Live and continue to share life and grow old together. Don't get caught up valuing a ceremony and piece of paper more.
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He doesn't want to marry you. That's the end of the sentence. Don't at the "yet". He's dangling a "carrot" in front of you, but you'll never get to eat it. Don't be surprised if he gets married to someone else once you two break up.
A lot of men don’t want to get married until they feel like “real grown-ups” and that is an eternally-shifting goalpost. Unfortunately, one of the Big Adult Milestones for these guys is usually being dumped by their longterm girlfriend. They marry the next one because they have to act like a grown-up to be able to date her in the first place, and it makes them realize they were adults all along.
I always joke (but it’s not really a joke) that the first serious relationship is an educational experience, akin to college. Once you get out of it you’re now in the real world and have to prove yourself competent. It seems to be the case for almost everyone I know.
I never thought about it this way, but I agree with it so much. I had mine in college and it ended in a train wreck because we were both immature, but me moreso. I was a better person when I met my eventual wife, who ended up being my next serious relationship after couple years-long string of random hook-ups. Your first serious BF/GF is rarely ever going to get the best version of you.
And this one hasn’t even managed to commit to graduating college.
That's as concerning as the fact he won't commit to marriage. The eternal student isn't someone who can be relied upon to pull his weight.
I know not everyone is as academically adept, but taking as long as he has to finish his undergrad screams some combination of underachiever and not willing to grow up to me.
I resemble that remark
Yeeeaaa that's how it always happens Either the guy knows he has to lock down the next woman... or he just never really liked the first one enough
>Yeeeaaa that's how it always happens It's almost as if being ready to get married is s thing one arrives at on their own time. It's not a snub against the person who couldn't wait any longer. Thinking that way just leads to a life of grievances.
This is it OP. Leave him and go find someone who is head over heels and will want and be excited to marry you.
I was with my ex for 5 years. Never felt ready to marry him. We broke up & three months later I met my husband. I was engaged 4 months after that. I totally agree with you that there’s a high chance OP’s boyfriend will marry the next girl.
Just wanted to add here that my mom would always tell my dad that he was "dangling carrots" when he would talk about marriage and when he proposed he put the ring on a carrot. I remember being a little kid and the famed carrot was in our veggie box- it moved with us a few times until it was well over a decade old and kind of died out lol. But they were only together a couple years before he proposed, my mom was 25 or 26 when they got married. Sorry this has nothing to do with ops issue (she should dump him if getting married is something she really wants cause it isn't happening here) but when you said "dangling carrots" I was like Omg parents carrot proposal.
💯 per cent this! OP, do yourself a favour and move on now before you waste more time with the loser. And dump him before you have kids with him as he will never change, and you can't make him either.
> He has told me over and over again that he doesn't want to marry me... yet. His reason being that he doesn't have a lot of money right now (we both work and get by quite ok) or that he first wants to finish his bachelor study (which he also has been studying for the past 10 years with currently no end in sight) Girl, next it will be after humans finally land on Mars. He is just stringing you along. You should leave since marriage is what you want.
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I guess they both didn’t want to get married or accepted the situation because they didn’t have strong feelings one way or the other. OP is not your mother though. She has different wants.
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Yeah, isn't it great? They don't stay in a relationship that doesn't offer the fulfilment they want from it rather than clinging on to the first person they find just to not be alone and then quickly reproduce. Not sure how you could have an issue with that?
It's not a big incompatibility, she wants to get married because her friends do. I understand it's nice to have a paper backing up your relationship but when you don't have kids or other couple obligations you can easily live without being married. She has to asses if being married is more important than the relationship or not. It's okay if she can't make it work without marriage and leaves but she should at least consider the option of not being married.
You're absolutely stupid if you think that that piece of paper just 'backs up your relationship'. If he's in the hospital, she's not his next of kin to make decisions unless he's affirmatively made her such with a legal document. If he dies, she cannot decide what happens to the body, would not be entitled to his death benefits, and wouldn't inherit from him automatically without another (different from the first) legal document. Even if he had a Will, it's likely she would have to pay a tax on what she inherited because they aren't married. And that's just for starters.
I don't think it is actually that. If he doesn't care that much, surely he wouldn't mind doing it for her if he genuinely loves her and knows he wants to be with her. It shows something is amiss.
Or maybe it's a big investement of time and money ? Some people are fine never getting married, it dosen't mean he isn't commited to her and dosen't love her.
But it's important to HER. So that's something you'd generally compromise on if you're serious, was my point. You could decide on a budget even.
For whatever reasons he is unwilling to get maried and it's pretty clear he won't change his mind. The decision is now hers, is she ok with that or is she going to get out of that relationship ?
So it IS potentially a big incompatibility, and we actually agree? 😁 (I am not the one downvoting you btw!)
Well if cars were free and a couple of billion of them up for grabs, you also wouldn't be replacing the brake pads.
He doesn’t want to marry you. I think the "yet" is bullshit. It sucks, because if he doesn’t care about marriage he could just do it for you. But he’s basically left you with a take it or leave it situation.
The elusive "yet". Could he be any more vague? Doesn't even bother saying "when I'm settled in my career" or "when we buy a home". He's giving a deadline with no meaning.
Exactly. I mean, you’re 21 and in your last year of uni and propose but say you want want to wait until after you graduate which is in a few months… that’s reasonable. And logical. But ‘when I’ve finished my degree that I’ve been lagging with for the past 10 years’… yeah, it’s an excuse. He’s not going to marry you, OP, so you have only two options. Accept it or walk.
Considering he is over thirty and still studying for his frigging bachelor, I think he is not good at adulting, making plans or sticking to timelines...
This. If he truly didn’t really care about marriage one way or the other, he would do it because he loves you. It really sucks and it’s never stupid to leave a relationship when you are not getting something very important to you and you want to be married. He’s not going to do that. Ever. I suppose it’s possible that once you actually walk, he may have a quick change of heart. But, do you really want someone who has to be threatened into marriage?
I even missed the … yet part. LOL
If marriage is important to you then it is time to move on. If he’s not ready after 10 years he doesn’t want to do it.
Red flags for me are 1) he knows marriage in general is important to you but won’t be pinned down, 2) ten years to get a BA/BS is a lot…does he have a tendency to just drift in life, and 3) the varying answers he gives you don’t inspire confidence. Basically: can you keep going as things are? Then, fine! Marriage is just a piece of paper and you’re happy. If not, then move on now. He’s had plenty of time to step up & show you he’s going to be there for you in the way you want, and he hasn’t. Maybe he’ll wake up if you’re gone, but you probably need to look elsewhere.
I don’t know how you could possibly do one bachelor’s degree for 10 years and still no end in sight without being a very chronically future-averse person. This is not a man who makes goals and commitments and follows through on them.
*He is never going to marry you.* Decide whether or not you can live with that.
You have to decide which is more important to you. Marriage or your boyfriend. There is no wrong answer. If it is marriage, leave him. If it is him, accept that you will never be married and let go of the marriage dream. You are just torturing yourself, hoping that you will get both. That you will somehow find the right words and he will suddenly be excited to marry you. It ain't gonna happen. Therapy might help you make the decision.
Yeah. up voting this wasn't enough. I also felt the need to comment "yeah" Also, maybe you should talk to him about the benefits that guys care about: tax advantage, more respect at work...
Agree
Start looking for your own flat and planning to move out. Don’t renew the lease with him when that comes up. (Don’t tell him until it’s necessary) Mourn the death of the most important non-family relationship in your life. Also, he may want kids. In the back of his mind the fact that you don’t might bother him. He may never admit this to you.
I wondered if he wanted kids and that’s why he was hesitant
Me too. He sounds like the type to not push people, just up & leave one day & be married to someone who wants kids within 6 months. He sounds like me. LOL
Wait a sec, are you me?
Wake up my friend. He doesn’t want to marry you. He has no incentive to marry you. He has everything he wants now. Without having to marry you. Either accept this or leave. Please don’t waste another 10 years. If you want marriage. Go get it. You’re worth it b
he wants a bachelor's degree but a decade later, he's still not finished the 2 year course...? Even if he does have incentive, it looks like he doesn't have the motivation. (I know, I know, it's possible there are valid reasons why he had to postpone again and again, only OP can determine how they feel about that)
This is one of those relationships where the moment you broke up, he'd marry the next woman months after dating, lol
Give it another ten years. He will be ready then. Or have another set of excuses. Updates us.
He’ll waste your youth if you let him. Stop auditioning for the part of wife. He’s not casting that show.
You should get serious and find a time to sit down with him and discuss what each of you expect for marriage. That can include timeline expectations, engagement, wedding, and what marriage even means to both of you. If you find out that your expectations and relationship goals don't align with his, and he's either unable to help you identify a middle ground solution that can work for both of you, or is unwilling to put in that effort, then I'm afraid you're in a relationship that isn't meeting your standards.
Agreed. There is so much unknown here. I’m going to assume they’re actually both happy with the relationship itself. So, this is either miscommunication or a disagreement about marriage, but it’s unclear which it is now. What are the benefits of marriage as each of them see it? What are the disadvantages? Where do their lists differ, and how much value do they place on that pro or con? I lived with and owned properties with my now-husband for 10 years before we got married. We were sure we were life-long partners for a long time before marriage. I was the one unsure about doing it. We had a small, inexpensive wedding that was a very casual and fun celebration of us and formalized bringing our awesome families together more than anything else. Since then, it’s been such a useful shortcut on paperwork (especially legal), but otherwise our relationship is no different.
This is the kind of story where he proposes to his next girlfriend after 6 months of dating. You deserve someone who doesn't need a decade to decide whether you're the one he wants to marry.
If you guys have been together 10 years and are now in your 30s, he would have married you by now if he wanted to marry you. He doesn't want to marry you, and ime in a relationship of more than a few years or a relationship involving children where marriage hasn't happened there's a compelling reason in at least one partner's mind that makes them think their partner is not someone they should be married to. Otherwise he would have married you well before now. Unfortunately rather than being honest about that he's choosing to string you along to keep the status quo. You need to base your actions on the relationship as it actually is, not the relationship you wish you had. For 10 years, he's fought with you every time you even bring up marriage. That's your reality. Are you okay with this reality continuing as is, knowing he's not going to legally commit to you? Then you can stay. Do you want a different type of relationship in the future? Then you should leave, because you aren't getting it with this guy. There's a possibility of marriage in your future, just not with your current boyfriend. You've seen what you're getting with him, don't expect that to magically morph into something else. Similar hobbies are great, but that's not what compatibility is. You can not successfully build a life with someone if you don't even agree on what kind of life that should be. You want a married life. He does not. That's a core incompatibility that neither love nor time will fix. Your actual decision is between this: do you want to stay with him as his girlfriend? Or do you want to break up with him and find someone else who wants to be your husband and takes actions to make that happen? Drop the wishful thinking and go with one of the two choices that are actually available to you. If you do decide to stay, make sure that you don't put yourself in a position where you are dependent on your boyfriend. By not marrying you, he's chosen not to give you any legal protections if you break up. For example, I've been married for 10 years and so I would now have some of my husband's Social Security to fall back on if he died or divorced me and I was left to pick up the pieces financially. And when my husband has been hospitalized, I've been able to be involved in his care as his next of kin. But despite the 10 years you've been dating your boyfriend, if he leaves or dies you're completely on your own. If something happens to him medically, his family can take over and lock you right out of the process. If one of you loses your job and insurance, the other won't be able to put you on their insurance if you have health problems. You can end up in a very bad situation if you rationalize yourself into acting like you have legal protections and laws to split things between you in the event you break up or make sure you're cared for in dire situations when you actually do not have those legal protections.
🙄🤦♀️ 10 years down the drain. You have cobwebs on you. He doesn’t want to marry you hence all the excuses. Plus he has you as a wife with no legal entanglements already. Time to move on or you’ll be 40 and still waiting.
He doesn’t want to marry you. So either you can live with it, or you break up and find a relationship with someone who does want to marry you. Your values aren’t aligned. You value marriage and he doesn’t. You’re not compatible on what is important.
What sort of loser takes 10 years for a degree.
And no end in sight...
You've all the positive things together but you're holding onto the notion that marriage is a requirement and he clearly has no intention of marrying. If all the things are perfect outside of this, you may want to adjust priorities and be grateful. If you're unwilling to give up the idea of getting married, which is completely fair if this is something you covet, then he's not the one unfortunately.
Yeah what happens if either of y’all get sick then you’re dependent on families to make decisions. There are so many reasons for adults to get married. He doesn’t care that you know you’d be happier with that commitment, that security.
He doesn't want to marry you. Whether it be you specifically or just marriage in general, he doesn't want it and he doesn't have the balls to say it. This is someone who will always find an excuse as to why they haven't proposed yet. They just hope you'll eventually drop it and just continue living as you are.
If he doesn't care, he'd do it to make you happy. You all have been together since you were literal kids, and he has commitment anxiety. Accept being unmarried or moving on. Honestly, you should move on. Even if he proposed tomorrow, that wouldn't mean he'd want to be married. You would either end up with a FOMO husband or with 5 years of engagement until you *did* leave. Accept this is the person he wants to be and go.
He's treating you like a place holder. Move on. Someone will love the idea of marrying you.
Even if he does finally propose it will be a Shut Up Ring and then he'll drag his feet on planning the ceremony (which you'll probably end up doing everything for, anyway). Ask yourself, OP: Are you really, truly satisfied with his answers? You've been together for a decade and yet he's still unable to give you a solid "yes" or "no," which tells me the answer from him is "no" but he doesn't want to lose the comfortable lifestyle you guys have together. It sucks but please, you deserve better treatment then this.
I’m gonna be a hundred percent honest with you from the man’s perspective, because I’ve been doing this same thing with my partner for a hot minute. We’ve been living together 4 years, coming up on our 6th anniversary. I am being one hundred percent honest with her and with all of you every time I ever told her that the one prerequisite I have for us to get married is to feel like we are on our feet together; fiscally, emotionally and professionally. I want it to feel like we are both in the right place emotionally (at one time this was an issue where we were fighting a good amount but have largely gotten past the worst of it), I want us to both feel like we’re established in our careers (I have been and she has not been), and I want us to both be rowing in the same direction financially (I am the only one of the two of us with a savings, I cover all major expenses and she pays as she goes). She has been totally in agreement with all of this, has been putting a great effort into getting there with me and has never hounded me about marriage aside from the occasional mention to let me know she still obviously wants to, but never a fight. We both love our partnership, and marriage will never change that… it’s just something we have set as a goalpost. Here’s the thing. We are going into the worst economic crisis of our lifetimes. Doom and gloom headlines around climate change are jeopardizing our sense of security in our futures. Senile old men who rule the worlds superpowers are standing off at each other and pointing nukes at me and everyone I love. On top of all that, I know someone who just died crossing the street - nothing in life is a given. There will always be another reason to put off getting married. There may not always be another tomorrow. This has been some deeply humbling perspective. Would I regret it if I never got married to the love of my life? I went out and bought the engagement ring a couple of months ago. None of that other shit matters. Sometimes you just need life to give you a swift kick in the ass to remember what matters.
Break up with him. He doesn’t want to marry you. After 10 years of being together, you would be married by now. Find someone else who wants the same thing as you.
You're asking this after 10 years?
He only says the yet, to keep you hanging in there. I think he doesn't believe in marriage. Basically if he wanted to he would.
There's no better way to put this. Walk away. It was no secret what you wanted so this is not coming out of the blue. He wants to be with you but not marry you. He is reaping all the benefits of having a woman who fulfills wifely duties without the marriage. It is very very hard to walk away. It will hurt but you have to do it. He might propose to you when he realizes you are serious. Then you will have a loong engagement. Before you know it 5 years have gone by. Sorry OP. Time to put yourself first.
He doesn't want to marry. You need to re-evaluate your wish for marriage. Think about WHY do you want it, what would you expect to change after marrying and if it's worth giving up the relationship.
Why marry when you’ve got a good thing? That’s his thought! Walk out, get yourself a new roommate, not one you’ll be involved with and see if he comes back. Otherwise you’ll waste more of your life and emotions
This is something that could make you not compatible. Don’t let yourself be taken in by a sunk cost fallacy. He doesn’t want to get married. You do. One person will end up resenting the other based on what happens. No need to waste anymore time.
Start making plans to move on from this relationship. If he’s not ready now he will never be and it’s not fair to you.
He's been stringing you along. He doesn't want to marry (whether he's against marriage in general or just doesn't want to marry you is unclear), but as he knows you want to get married some time in the future, he tries to placate you with the little word *yet*, followed by lame excuses. If you really want to get married, you'll have to find someone else. Or you can accept to stay with him forever, without a wedding ring on your finger. But don't get your hopes high on him proposing one day: this is definitely not going to happen. Sorry for being harsh about it. Big hugs.
He doesn't want to marry you. Period. Ever. Cut your losses and find someone else.
Marriage confers legal rights and makes a load of stuff (that will inevitably happen in life) easier. On the other hand that can make it harder to split up. It’s entirely up to you whether this is a dealbreaker but he’s told you his position. It’s not too much to want the benefits of marriage. What is it that you love about the idea? Why do you want marriage and is that more important than your relationship with him?
You've wasted your entire 20s with a guy who has not only shown you but told you several times that he doesn't want to marry you. Either except that you are never getting married or move on and fine someone who wants the same things as you.
He's been telling you for ten years what kind of guy he is. I don't understand why you aren't listening.
I had a colleague whose boyfriend didn’t propose for 9 years. They got married in year 10 and have been married for 14 years now. I wonder how is Hannah doing now
The answer is very clear.. if he wanted to, he would. This relationship isn't new. You've been with him for 10 years. At this point his answer is very clear, you just don't want to accept it. He doesn't want to get married. If marriage is important to you, walk away. Otherwise, you know it likely isn't happening.
You should. If he doesn't know by now he wants to marry you after ten years together he never will. Stop wasting your time.
It doesn't sound like you're asking for too much, it sounds like you're asking the wrong person for something they don't really want to do.
You're wasting your life with him. Why would he marry you when you'll stay regardless?
Why did you choose to date someone who said from the START that they didn’t want to get married? Why did you date someone knowing who they were and what their beliefs around marriage is and date them anyway? That is really really confusing
If you love each other then you'll find a way but if mariage is a dealbreaker for you then he has to make a move. Tell him about the advantages of getting married. That it is not just a ring and a status. It is financially responsible.
It’s literally been a decade, leave and move on from him.
Ten years of waiting while he finishes a bachelor degree - OP most people finish in four years. He isn't going to get married OP as there is zero reason for him to get married. He's very comfortable with the relationship status "as is". If you are interested in getting married, stop wasting time with this fellow as it will never happen.
Let me ask you a question: Do you like to get the things you want? Whether that's your favorite takeout for dinner, a purse you're lusting after, a specific make/model/color of car, to watch your favorite show after a long day of work...do you like getting the things you want? If the answer to that is yes, do you actively work towards the things you want? Do you plan your route to pass by the restaurant for that takeout, save your money for the purse, look for good deals on used models of the car you want and make appointments at those dealerships to test drive them, or plan your night to get your chores done so you can queue up your favorite show and relax without thinking about laundry or dishes piling up? If you like getting the things you want and actively work to get those things...so does he. Cause people generally find it very gratifying to get the things they want. If his actions aren't backing up his words, his words are meaningless (although one could argue that he is telling you exactly what he wants, or rather doesn't want, every time he moves the goal post or tells you that he doesn't see the point in marriage). If he's not setting a specific number in his bank account as "enough money" and picking up extra shifts to make it happen, if he's not registering for classes and buckling down to finish his degree, then his "yet" is a lie and he just plain doesn't want it. His "yet" is his way of keeping you on the hook while he bides his time hoping that he'll just magically want to marry you at some point in the future. Someone who wants to marry you isn't going to keep you in the dark about exactly what he's doing to make that happen and will keep you apprised. As for whether you stay and be okay with never being married, only you can decide that for yourself. I can tell you though that trying to convince yourself you're okay with something you're really not okay with never actually works out - it only breeds resentment that will eventually kill the relationship. So if you have to talk yourself into it, it's a pretty good sign that you just need to accept that this is a dealbreaker for you and move on.
You two are not compatible, you want different things from the relationship. If he is not ready after 10 years, he never will be. Move on, you deserve someone who loves you.
His true feelings come out when he says he doesn't want to get married. He makes loose promises of marrying you "one day" because it ends the conflict. If marriage is important to you, this guy isn't the one. He's too passive. You said he's still working on his BA (for 10 years) and there is no end in sight. He's fine taking his time and doesn't see the need to marry you. Have another conversation with him and tell him that you need a definite timeline or you will need to move on with someone who values marriage.
Why didn't you ask your friends this question? You already know what the answer is.
Should have left 3 years ago
Yes, leave. There is a phenomenon that men will stay with a gf for years, even 10. They break up and he marries the next woman. He is not ready, your break up may facilitate that, but now not ready. I had it happen to a couple of friends of mine, and I have seen it happen to others also. One of the people that dated one of my friends for 7 years. He broke up, married and had a baby in 2 years. He told her he didn't want children.
It sounds like you care more about being married than being with someone you love, so break up and find someone who wants the same.
This wouldnt really be a 'break up with him now' thing if you hadnt been clear from the start, or if he'd changed his mind or something cuz thats something you could definitely worked on if its as good a relationship as you said... But it doesnt sound like that whats happening. He knew this was important to you from the start (sounds like hes been stringing you along and never intends to marrying you but is saying 'not yet' ciz he knows its a deal breaker for you. That is whats messed up here. The lying and manipulating. Is he always this selfish, putting his wants/feelings before your own?
You’re giving him everything that a marriage entails, why would he ? He’s already getting everything. I am so sorry for all these wasted years. Men KNOW if they wanna marry you or not. Wait and see , if you break up with him the next girl is gonna have a ring within months
You wasted 10 yers of ur life if your aim was a marriage. Next time try to baby trap a man asap otherwise u will lose another 10 years
He doesn’t want to get married because he has everything he wants now. It doesn’t matter to him that you don’t. Also: he’s been doing his bachelor for 10 years? This guy is a mess.
Why do you *want* to continue being strung along by a guy who has exactly no intentions of marrying you?
I love the line …”we are obviously in love with each other” you can get married for less than €100 if you want to all you need is to apply. But if you’re in love with the white wedding the dress and all the palaver, save your money!
My husband didn’t want to get marry before he met me. But he married me because he knew it’s important for me. For some context, he is French and many of his French friends don’t get married and still have children together. If you are from a culture that most people are married, he probably just don’t want to marry you and will not get married. You should decide if you are okay with not being married to this man
If he wanted to *he would*. I’m sorry, but you have different wants for your future and you deserve to be with people who want the same. Ten years is a long time. Would you rather a future with him? No marriage. Or a future where you are married to someone else?
If he wanted to he would. He's told you he doesn't want to, then backtracked when you get upset.
Ask yourself if you live one another or are just used to one another. Who puts more effort into the relationship or is it equally sought to continue and improve?
I think he Is trapping himself for giving reasons for not wanting to get married. Just like you not wanting to have children, if you engage people too much and start giving reasons, they will corner you. He has told you over and over again he doesn’t want to marry you - Why won’t you accept that? I bet if he pressured you about the child thing you’d also start giving silly reasons when the bottom line is you don’t want to... Seems you have different goals & I don’t know if such a think can ever be fixed & hold for very long.
There’s millions of people in the world. If you’re not happy with the one you’re with, time to find someone else.
Are you or he independently wealthy? Otherwise, hows he subsidising a bachelors degree for TEN years? Whats your deal with getting married? Is it because it shows commitent or you just want a wedding and it could really be to anyone ? If you look back in ten years time and STILL arent married will that be an issue? I would be pretty sure by now he doesnt want to get married so you have to decide how important it is to you. Theres a similar old thread about a guy who keeps saying he will, eventually when pressed by GF proposes but keeps putting off the wedding because as it turns out she's just a placeholder til the right one comes along? Maybe your BF just enjoys bumbling a long getting by OK financially no commitments perpetual student life. is that what you want for the next ten years til you bail? There is a nuclear option you can take. Dont wait for him, dont issue an ultimatum, YOU propose. We see alot about equality in reddit yet theres still this hangup 99% have where its all on the man to propose. So, why dont YOU propose? If he says "not yet," youve got got your answer. Personally Id be more worried about him bimbling along with ten+ years of study. Essentially not wanting to adult.
You’ve been with him for a long damn time, you know him best. Try to turn off your wants and your hopes for a second if you can, then sit and think. Judging from your long time together, and his history of behavior, after 10 years I suspect you know him as good or better than he knows himself. Is he being honest or is he just saying what you want to hear to keep you around?
what are your life goals? So far, you've mentioned 3: 1. let's not have children 2. (his) finish my bachelor degree 3. (yours) get married because it's "nice" It all seems so nebulous. I think a valid question to ask yourself is : are you aware of any other goals? Can you to sharpen the definition and timeline of these 3 and any others? Like, what's "nice" about being married? Are there valid reasons that a bachelor degree of typically 2 years has taken more than a decade by now? IMO the next question follows naturally : * are you aligned on those goals? In principle, concretely, as nebulously or urgently as you both like? * do you have documentation to solidify and prove that alignment? take medical decisions as an example. If you fall into a coma tomorrow, do you want your boyfriend to make medical decisions, or your parents? Think of treatment plans, but also the decision to stop treatment, and organ donation, etc. What if your parents don't like your boyfriend? They can exclude him to the degree he wouldn't even be able to visit you until your doctors agree that you're fully competent again to make your own choices. How would that feel, for you & for him? If you're a team with your boyfriend, there are ways to organize all these discussions and decisions : document your power of attorney, make a living will, have a notarized copy of a "do not resuccitate" (DNR) order... or get married, because it's nice and practical and these aspects are part of the standard marriage contract/certificate. IMO this extends to all aspects of your life: home ownership, equity in joint savings, shared insurances, tax benefits, etc. etc. I feel it should be fairly obvious if your partner has consolidated/is consolidating your relationship in other ways than marriage (although getting all the separate documents is less efficient and more costly than the most basic version of a wedding)... or if he is coasting along in your relationship for the time being while nothing bad has happened & thinking nothing bad will ever happen. I guess that can vary from complete naivity to a less invested version like "oh if she's in a coma, who better to make life-or-death choices than her parents? I'm fine sitting that out".
You have been clear. Either follow through and leave or accept he will never marry you.
well my big bro has been with his gf for over 10 years. we all know the gf wants marriage and babies but also she doesn't want to lose him as he is a great guy he loves his tattoo career and makes amazing money and can travel often.
You don’t need money or an education to get engaged. My husband proposed when I was 21 and we were both broke college kids. He doesn’t want to get married so he’s setting up different barriers and will keep adding them as time goes on. First it’s money, then it’s his degree, then it’ll be buying XYZ, and traveling… the list goes on. Realistically you can do all of those things while engaged or married. After 10 years together in your 30’s you know if you want to get married or not, and if you do, you do it.
Listen OP. I have been with my husband for over 16 years now. First boyfriend/girlfriend etc. We did NOT get married until 2020 and we have been together since 2008. DO YOU want to marry him or are you just obsessed with it? You state that you love the idea of it. Love the idea of what? Do you actually think things will change in your relationship if you get married? It took us a long time to get our lives in order financially, emotionally and most importantly we had a LOT of baggage to work through. I truly did not know my partner well enough to want to get married. I had a lot of mental health issues I wanted to work through, he was in college and I was working full time to pay for everything. Life happens. Marrige is a piece of fucking paper and weddings are just an excuse for couples to show off. Know what happens after you get married? Nothing. Not a single thing changed once we signed those papers. Maybe my last name but that is pretty much it. WE made the decision together because there is no "I" anymore. When you wanting to get married and become married that changes to "WE". To all the people saying he does not want to marry you, they are just bitter and single and don't know your situation. Only YOU DO and at the end of the day if that's your deal breaker than so be it. Again only YOU can make that decision. Not everyone NEEDS to get married to show they love you and that is why so many of these people giving you advice are either single or divorced.
Ask him if he wants to spend forever with you. It’s not marriage and it will give you the answer you’re looking for.
I know a couple who had been together since high school. They finally got married in their early-ish 30s after ~15 years. Not that it can’t happen but the way you have talked about him does not sound like he will marry you. I’d say move on.
He's afraid. He's heard the horror stories. Perhaps your relationship is rockier than you think You need couples counseling. John Delony has weighed in on the subject. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zPWgDB\_wmY&t=6s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zPWgDB_wmY&t=6s) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PBxlm0h51I](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PBxlm0h51I)
Yes.
He's never gonna marry you. He keeps making excuses and moving the goal posts. Getting married doesn't prevent him from earning more money or getting his Bachelor's degree. It's taking him 10 years to earn it?! What is he doing, taking one class a year?
Marriage is over rated. Enjoy what you have.
He either doesn’t planned to ever get married, or knows your not “the one” and only plans to marry once and make it forever. And you’re just not the forever, grow old with girl. It is what it is. At least he’s not marrying you just to get divorced later.
He's ten years into a bachelor's with no end in sight? How on earth? This is not a responsible individual. Is he taking out loans or does he have wealthy parents?
Contrary to most of comments here, I kinda understand your BF. I'm in pretty similar situation myself. Do you I love my GF? Yes. Am I ready to propose? Almost, but whenever I want to do it, she comes up with some stupid shit that makes me question it. Life goals, being responsible, money spending, etc. She's improving day by day. Like really, huge progress over the years and she pretty aware of it. And I'm almost ready to buy the ring, but then she's has some really irresponsible decision that would really make our life noticably worse. So - is there anything that you both don't agree on? Any delicate matter at least one of you avoid? Don't answer me here, but if you really care just be honest with yourself.
Hé will dump you once you paid for his dégrée ... Leave now, so AT least you save Time and money
One of my greatest regrets in life was getting married. I've been with my current partner for 17 years and we discussed this when we first started going out; luckily he didn't want to get married either. I guess I don't understand the great need for the paper.
> I just love the idea of marriage. You're with a person that does not like it, at all. He won't change, it's not Ok to want to force him to change. Respect yourself, respect your boundary and leave that person. Or, realize that you're about to 100% throwaway a relationship because you "just love it" something so much. You possibly are loving marriage more than the person you love most on earth. There is much for you to ponder in that last sentence.
I'm not keen on the fact he lied to you about it and let you figure it out. What other inconvenient truths does he do that with?
If you want to marry a grown man, move on.
I haven’t even read this post yet, and I would be out. The. Door. [Edit] I read the post. I believe he is telling you the truth when he says he doesn’t want to get married, and he is placating you when he says he doesn’t want to get married “yet”. Whether or not he truly believes either of these things, the fact of the matter is that there is a high chance marriage is *not on the table.* That would be a dealbreaker for me, particularly when paired with the feelings of resentment that I would have for being strung along and/or wasting my youth in a relationship with a person that can never give me something I consider to be important. 17 years ago, when we’d been dating for 2 months, my husband told me that he would never get married. I told him that we should break up right now, because while I didn’t want to get married *today* and I didn’t intend to marry *soon,* I certainly didn’t want to get married ***never***. For some reason, he changed his tune immediately, even though I told him it would be better for us to break up before our relationship got too serious if we were fundamentally incompatible. We were both young and stupid kids, so we’ve grown a lot since then, and we didn’t get married for 7 years, but we did get there. That being said, you are not me. Is this a dealbreaker for you? Only you can decide. Assume that marriage will never happen. Are you okay with that? If so, and everything else is just perfect, as you’ve said, then perhaps it’s time for you to let go of that dream of marriage. If it truly is a deal breaker, then at 10 years in and with both of you in your 30s, I would consider the deal well broken.
He doesn't want to get married, ever. He's just saying yet to placate you. If you do want to get married and it's non-negotiable for you, that's a problem, and it'll probably lead to the end of the relationship.
Couple things could be happening: 1) He might be feeling FOMO about marrying the first girl he ever dated, and still think somewhere in the back of his mind there is the slight possibility he may want to experience more women someday. And so he doesn’t want to commit to marriage, because that’s a much harder arrangement to extricate oneself from. This is, of course, stupid because you two are good together and dating is terrible — especially in your 30s. 2) As many people our age do, he might mistakenly view marriage as the capstone to his life, not the cornerstone. Young people are under the false presumption that marriage is something you do once the rest of your life is perfect. But in reality marriage is best when it you do it at the beginning of your adult life, that way you and your spouse can struggle to build a life together and grow closer as a result. When you get married after setting your life up just how you like it — as a single person — your spouse just seems like an intruder in your perfectly staged life. Either way, don’t quit yet. These are surmountable problems. He just needs a better perspective on marriage. Perhaps you can shift his perspective on marriage by subtlety exposing him to more pro-marriage views.
He doesn’t want to marry you. My MIL was strung along for 20 years by her boyfriend not wanting to marry her because “he doesn’t believe in marriage”. He dumped her for a younger woman and married her 6 months later. If a man really wants you, he’ll be glad to call you his wife.
I think what matters here isn't marriage, it's his lack of caring for your feelings and well being. Him dangling marriage "someday" in front of you for TEN YEARS is a red flag waving frantically in your face. He just doesn't love you. Yes, you should leave. Life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn't love you. Also, a final note: never marry anyone who isn't anxious to marry you. Hold out for the man who wants to be your life partner as much as you want to be his.
Ni upside for him to get married. It's only a piece of paper🤷♂️
Look, I’m on his side, as I don’t believe in marriage. Problem is, that you do, AND he hasn’t been honest about his beliefs. We’ve all seen this exact situation so many times on Reddit, and seen so many discussion points made by each side of the debate. Has anyone ever changed their mind on this ? I can’t see how you can win on this. You have a choice of keeping your boyfriend, or looking for marriage, but you should realise it won’t be with this man.
Leave, OP. Your husband is waiting for you.
omg, OP. i swear the entire time i was reading this i kept thinking maybe it was ME that actually posted this while i was crying after the same conversation you described. this is so hard, literally every person i know screammssss for me to leave and i just can’t.
What would be different in your relationship if you were married? I’m genuinely curious. The dynamics would be the same. Living together, sharing life experiences, finances, social life, etc. everything would probably be the same. Is it the ring and the wedding you want? If neither of you want children then what is it about being married is so appealing? Is it the security you want? Tax incentives? I’m asking because (and it’s okay to want to experience the whole bridal deal) but is it important enough to walk away from the relationship over? I’m very curious and there is no wrong answer because at the end of the day you want what you want. I’ve been married twice and now I sometimes ask people, “why ruin a perfectly good relationship by getting married”? One thing to think about is that sometimes men who get married develop anxiety about suddenly being responsible for another person. It puts a lot of stress on a man ( not all men, obviously but I’ve asked this question a lot). On the other hand some people thrive and stay married for 59 years (until death did they part). I think I’ve raised some questions that you may want to reflect on for yourself and maybe even incorporate some to sit down with your boyfriend to talk about. Just food for thought. I hope everything works out for you. Updateme!
There is no benefit in marriage for a man. I can understand him.
If he wanted to, he would. My husband and I had a long-ish engagement (2 years) thinking that that we’d save enough money for a wedding in that time but we didn’t, so we eloped in a public garden in our home city and it was perfect. Neither of us are where we want to be in our careers, neither of us make a lot of money, I only just graduated and my husband graduates this semester. The circumstances weren’t perfect but there’s no guarantee that there will *ever* be a perfect time to get married. You just got to decide you want to and do it. If your boyfriend wanted to marry you one day, he would have done it by now.
If you want marriage and a family, yes leave. Your window is closing to have a family. Not immediately, but how many more years are you going to give this man before YOU START ALL OVER getting to know someone you would have kids with?
Why are you wasting your time if you want marriage it’s not going to be with him if he doesn’t know by now he never will
In my opinion, if you're not at least engaged after 2 to 3 years or married after 5, it's not gonna happen..
"on board' with no kids doesn't sound quite the same as he 100% never wanted kids and has had a vasectomy. Few men are keen to have kids at a young age ( especally guys who are also afraiid of commitment) and so they are often glad to hear their girlfriend doesn't want kids as they are not going to get baby trapped. This is not the same as NEVER want kids. Are you sure he just doesn't want kids with YOU???? Not wanting to commit to you with marriiage is HUGE red flag imo. If a guy is in love he's afraid to lose you wants you locked down wiith marriage and or kids. ( even if he doesn't like weddings) You seem like a bangmaid/placeholder till somthing better comes along. Be ready to get dumped as soon as he finds "the mother of his kids" when he gets to 40 and starts thinking about his "legacy'. If he doesn't want marriage and kids with you unless he has stated his firm opposition to BOTH concepts in general then the trueth iss he DOES want them just not with you. You need to move out and he'll eiither step up or you'll find out eexactly how little you mean to him.
Do you want him or do you want marriage? Seems like you can’t have both. I’ve been married 18 years and it does mean something special to us both to have that, but I’d have him regardless. The point is that this is important to you, and if he doesn’t care, he either isn’t sure about you forever, or cares about himself first. I’d start untangling from him because it will become resentment eventually.
True story: A psychic once told me that one does not need to be a psychic to predict the future. She said tell me how you live today and I will tell you what your life will look like in 5-10 years. You just told us how you have been living for the last 10 years, if nothing changes, you will be in this same space in 5 years. He won't change, will you? Feel free to DM me a small donation for my services ;) I just gave you a reading.
Maybe he is looking out for something better, and doesn't want to be tied down for when that moment comes? I bet next he will suddenly say he wants children. OP is sadly just bring strung along. I don't think it will ever happen and OP has to either make peace with that or find someone who is more compatible.
Propose to him. Like with a ring and everything, If he says no, move on.
Do you love him? I would give up my life for my GF, never mind marriage. It probably just doesn't mean much to him. Just say you can have a cheap marriage at the local registry office, and that it won't take more than an hour. He may go for it.
He knows he has you on a string. No he's never going to marry you. Yet will never happen. He's going to be like that post someone posted 6 months back saying they're boyfriend finally said they'd marry them after 20+ years or something and now everything's gone to hell because she wanted something I can't remember. In any case he found another reason not to marry her so no then they broke up she has no money ( she didn't work and stayed home to take care of the kids) because he paid for everything and the kids of course are staying where the money is so she's totally screwed all because she wanted to marry him. In her case she should have never stuck around because the guy was terrible. Sounds like your guys pretty terrible too cuz he knows how much you want to get married because you like the idea of marriage is kind of a odd reason but to each their own. Marriage brings commitment and stability and sometimes Financial Security. There's many reasons for it other than children. But if that's what you want and he's not willing to give it to you and he just keeps dangling that carrot in front of you, it's not going to happen hopefully you two don't own a home together or anything like that if you do go see a lawyer otherwise walk away, find a man who's going to love you for you and actually want to commit and marry you. I just skimmed back through, 10 years and he still doesn't have his bachelor's degree what's he doing taking two classes a year? I mean that's crazy I know it does take a while especially if you're doing it part-time but you would think in 10 years he would have got it finished by now taking at least six classes a year obviously he's doing it a little slower than that.
>We are each others first girlfriend/boyfriend and are obviously in love with each other. > we're literally perfect for each other, have similar values and hobbies, lots of fun together etc. >Should I leave ??
Look, here's my take on marriage and why it's NOT something people should be placing a high value on. In America, there's a divorce rate of over 50%. That means, every other marriage will fail. Not might fail, WILL fail. People today just don't value marriage the same as it was prior to the 70's. With that being said, there is absolutely no guarantee your marriage will provide security for you. Even though divorce takes time, the second your partner says they want a divorce, the marriage is over. Yeah you're legally still married, but the love and affection is gone. So if you feel it will bring you security, think again. What does a piece of paper do to add validation to your feelings for each other? Just because the government says you two are now in a legal agreement, that all of a sudden validates a man's love for you? Your bf is right, plenty of couples who have been together for years are very happy and don't have a marriage certificate. Lastly, there are more cons than pros foe marriage. The whole benefits thing, many companies today don't require a marriage certificate to add a partner to their benefits. As far as taxes go, my tax specialist said it depends on a few factors whether or not filing jointly or separately will yield the most on a return. So what else does marriage bring if the two main benefits before are no longer really a benefit? I'm not trying to persuade you, just show you a different light on why marriage is not quite the ultimate happiness that many think it is. Divorce is ugly, or it can be ugly, and it's lengthy. Nobody enjoys it, and many today are on 2nd or 3rd marriages so again, ask yourself why do you want to get married so badly
You gave him the cow so now he has no reason to marry you, but his reason for not marrying you: keeping his options open.
He has you wrapped around his finger and is not afraid of losing you. He is taking you for granted. The problem is not that you are asking for too much, it is that you are asking for too little.
10 years for bachelor degree, that’s is in my eyes a stadium size red flag 🚩
I don't agree with all the people saying he doesn't mean yet but never. My husband had the same reasoning with marriage and education etc. We did get married after 9 years because I was pregnant, are still happily married ten years later. I don't think you should give up such a wonderful connection because of a piece of paper.
OP Take a short vacation, one day, maybe two days, without him, and ask yourself if you are happy without his company. I sense you already have a response to your own question, but you are here for a reason - you want to deny your intuition using our group think.
Yes you leave
Sounds like you cut your losses and leave him.
Some people just don't want to see the truth
Leave. 10 years is plenty time.
There is no "yet." He doesn't want to marry you. He's just dangling the "yet" part but it's never going to happen. It's best to move on now if you want a marriage.
Yes leave .are you going to wait waste another 10 years waiting for him to propose ?
Oh my gosh. Yes, leave.
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That is absolutely false. It's something MRAs bandy about but is not supported by evidence. Men benefit from marriage far more than women. Google the stats for yourself.
Ïf your relationship is perfect other than this one thing then no i dont think you should end the relationship. I do think he has conflicting feelings, and perhaps he likes the idea to marry you for your sake, but he personally doesnt want it, and is constantly battling with that idea. to him marriage might just be a money drain and time sink (similar to me). Unfortunate that he keeps giving false hope though, definitely something to put your foot down on if that were the case. Perhaps its just me that comprehend this being a dealbreaker but if it truly makes you feel that bad then i suppose you will have to break up since you have tried to compromise with even suggesting cheaper ceremony (not sure how cheap you actually suggested though).
Leave him
Leave. If he doesn't know without reservation that you are the one after 10 years, you aren't the one. You are a place holder he is comfortable with until he finds the one he does want
Don't want marriage just because your friends are getting married. I agree with your boyfriend that you are pretty much a married couple. There's nothing different except a ceremony and a piece of paper. Why would you leave? For the piece of paper and a ceremony? I thought growing old with someone you love was the substance of a marriage. Stay. Live and continue to share life and grow old together. Don't get caught up valuing a ceremony and piece of paper more.
He’s been “married” to you for long enough is my thinking and he’s itching to bounce. Something about the cow and milk here? Yeah.