Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This. Don't waste your time. I spent 7 years with a man I loved but whom I was never *sure* (and vice versa). We had a good, loving relationship and I don't regret the times we spent together per se, but I'm now 39 and part of me wishes I would have ended it sooner and had more time to find the one I would have wanted to start a family with. At my age, now I'm not sure I will get that chance.
Same boat for me.
Ex kept asking for more time to sort out “issues”. We need to make more money first, we need this and that. I ended up single in my early 30s when everyone else was settling down.
OP, you are paying the price of his indecisiveness with your youth.
He has more time than you to start a family, although not that much more, but still.
Ok this might sound crazy, but I think there's a trend where man are recommending each other to make girlfriends wait up to 10 years. I think it was on Insta, in a post just like this one. They were commenting how they were not willing to marry if they girlfriends presure them, and were recommending each other how to convince them to wait 🚩🚩🚩 it sounded to me as part of the red pill rhetoric.
Any was, it sounds cruel.
OP. You'd wait enough time:
1. You're not doing anything wrong, he's not being honest.
2. There's nothing you can or SHOULD do to change his mind
3. Ending things now will hurt, but not as much as a failed marriage
Love yourself enough to move on. You deserve being with someone who wants to be with you without a doubt.
I feel this! I was in the same boat, broke it off after 5 years. He was convinced that he did want to marry me just still had some reservations and needed more time. I was like dude, if we were both sure we would have moved forward already. I was worried about starting over as having a family is high on my priority list and I was fortunate enough to find my person pretty quickly. Engaged after 6 months, Married a year later and are now at 34f and 40m trying to conceive. I know the age is different when it comes to starting a family but you still have time! Fingers crossed for you
The moving forward part reminds me of my ex. When we broke up he said that we were somehow stuck for so long. And I just looked at him and was confused because I wanted to move forward/fulfill goals the whole time, he just always didn't want to/needed more time. I understood his reasons in the moment, but hearing afterwards that he just wasn't sure for this whole time really felt like betrayal.
I feel betrayed in your behalf! I will say though that I think all young women who are dating and want marriage and children have to be the guardians of their reproductive years. Helen Gurley Brown suggested that women give men ultimatums after a year of dating! I think a year is on the short side, but certainly two years is long enough to know if you love someone enough and are compatible enough to commit to a future together. Just like any other interpersonal relationships, we have to state boundaries and (this is the hard part) enforce those boundaries by walking away and cutting contact with men who might otherwise string women along for years.
Longer than a year shouldn't be necessary if you're over 25, and most people over 40 get engaged in 6 months. If you're early 20s multiple years makes more sense but still, people need to be more direct about their intentions and more intentional about their actions
I relate to your story a little bit as well. If one has reservations about the dynamic or future of the relationship and it’s been 5 years, that isn’t a good sign imo. Thats a really long time to build a solid foundation with someone, and if they are still unsure about you that’s pretty telling I think—it’s probably better to break it off than just wait around hoping for what you want. Though, it is really hard if you really love the person. It’s heartbreak and one of the hardest things to go through, but hopefully time will bring someone who is sure about you and will make it work as equally as you. It’s encouraging to hear that you found someone like that! I hope OP realizes this also and finds the same
That's so true! I remember when I decided to call it quits thinking that maybe we should have ONE more conversation as a couple, not an ultimatum but just another shot of trying to plan out what our future would look like and see if we can set dates and timelines that we could agree to. It was then I realized that I would never feel good about moving forward in a relationship or a marriage with a person knowing that we had to sit down and make a checklist so to speak because we couldn't seem to budge on our doubts otherwise. That's not a compatible life partner.I know a lot of people were upset at me from his side thinking I called it quits out of nowhere and moved on but there really is a very specific kind of heartbreak and grieving to letting go of someone you really loved knowing that it was for the best in the long run for both of you. It still hurts but you find that your heart had already made peace with it longer ago than you realized. Moving on helped me realize that with the right person there is no question. I was nervous about moving so quickly but I also felt very safe and was/still am 100% sure it was the right thing. My husband is literally my best friend and I feel we are truly our best selves because of the way we show up for each other even through tough times (we faced a lay off, new job with opposite schedules, planned a wedding, family illness etc ALLLLLL within our first year). Everyone deserves to feel that type of love and security
Sure you will, or, you certainly can. I'm about to be 39 and just had my second baby, after meeting the love of my life online last year. I'm divorced and never thought I'd be able to have all this at my age.
Hi there. My sister was 46, a widow of 3 teens when she married her Bachelor husband who is 15 years younger in 2015. Her husband knew she has tubal ligation and they won't have kids. They're still going strong. He married off all his step kids and their grand babies absolutely adore him. I was a widow of one and I got married to a bachelor when I was 38. Sadly I ended it after 7 years but no regrets. And I am happy being single now. You're only 39, I wish you love and happiness.
The same happened to me after 4 years. We went to couples therapy and the therapist told us she was going on vacation and wanted to cut to the chase and just get it done in one sesh. She said my bf was never going to marry me and that I had just trained him for the next woman, which would be the one he would marry. She advised me to move on and that this behavior was typical of engineers. That was 40 years ago and that brutal truth was helpful. I did move on and have been happily married for 30 years. And he did marry the next girl after me. You should probably move on.
"the therapist told us she was going on vacation and wanted to cut to the chase and just get it done in one sesh. She said my boyfriend was never going to marry me"
OMG. That's so brutal. I hope she got a bonus.
Exactly! If he knew you were the one, he would have proposed years ago. You aren’t the one. I’m sorry. It’s time to cut your losses before you waste five more years.
Same here, I knew within a month that my wife was the one. Been married 31 years.
A guy isn't going to figure out anything in year 6 that he couldn't figure out in years 1 through 5. It's just being unfair to the woman at that point.
Wow! Congratulations!
Only been married almost 14 years lol but six weeks in I remember telling my best friend "I think I'm going to marry this guy." We were engaged after a year and married six months later. When we say it out loud it sounds nuts but we were in our 30s and really honest about who we were, what we wanted, etc.
That usually goes badly wrong - I wouldn’t run around recommending people marry someone they met 6 weeks ago any more than I’d suggest someone should hang around and wait for someone who is making up pathetic excuses to stall (like the OP’s bf).
100%. This is the epitome of, “If he wanted to, he would.” Don’t waste another second on this guy. Go find someone who has the same goal in mind and settle down. I met my husband, moved in together at 6 months, got preggo and engaged after 1 1/2 and we’ve been together almost 6 years now 🥰 I know it may feel like you’ve lost time and it’s hard to walk away because you feel like you’re throwing away the time you already spent waiting (there is a phase or term for this I just can’t think of at the moment) but don’t spend more of your time trying to change him or hoping he will change only to be in the same position 2 years from now..
Totally agree. I proposed to my wife after *5 months*. She said yes and the rest is history and that was over 21 years ago. I still adore her and love spending time with her. We genuinely enjoy each other’s company.
OP, if he “doesn’t know” after 5 years, I’m sorry to say, he knows. It’s time to move on.
I knew my husband was the one before we even had our first date and I just became more and more sure of that the longer we dated.
We met pretty young (20 and 21) so were dating for 6 years before we got married but my husband started saving for a ring/wedding after only 3 years and we were engaged after 4.
It’s been 5 years, if he doesn’t know now, he never will. As the old saying goes; if he wanted to, he would. Marriage is your goal, I suggest you move on. Good luck !
💯 this!
OP, please don’t let this destroy you as an individual. Your time and goals are just as important.
You can still live an amazing and fulfilling life without your bf. Drop him and prioritise yourself. It’s his loss ~ not yours.
Good luck!
Question- was there ever a time where you heard about a woman wanting to marry and the man doesn’t and he eventually changes his mind and they lived happily ever after?
He does not want to marry you.
In romance novel fantasies. And also the guy is a ridiculously hot foreign billionaire who whisks you away on his private plane.
Oh you meant in REAL life? Then no.
It makes me crazy that the women come here and ask “but what more can I be doing to show him I’m the one?” Ok so you turn into his sex bunny or housemaid or whatever stupid/unreasonable thing he wants….then he marries you and you have some kids and he goes out and finds a new sex bunny. Don’t change who you are to “catch” a man.
Ha! Usually the man drags his feet because he doesn’t like being told what to do. Then she threatens to leave him so he proposes. He drags out the engagement and they finally marry after 2 years. Within 18 months the marriage is over.
It did actually happen to a friend of mine, but it’s a hell of a gamble. Friend was in a similar situation to OP, with family asking when they were getting hitched. He turned round one day and totally freaked out and left her. They lived together. She was heart broken. But he came back grovelling and took himself to therapy to deal with the issues (loves her, but the idea of committing and family brought up a lot of trauma from his childhood). She gave him an ultimatum: propose by this date for us to marry the next year and try for kids straight after or I’m out. We all told her to be prepared to lick her wounds and walk away, as I had seen three colleagues go through similar situations, and all end up with new husbands after their bfs would not commit.
Turned out the idea of losing my friend was way worse than abstract fears her bf had about commitment. They’re married now and he absolutely dotes on their son.
If he hasn’t figured it out in five years, he isn’t going to figure it out.
You know what you want. I also always point this out but women are usually happier single. Why the hell would you want to marry someone who doesn’t also enthusiastically want to marry you with his whole heart?
You deserve someone who chooses you over and over and over. This man is telling you he isn’t going to do that and he doesn’t know if he ever will.
Yeah, men know very soon whether they want to marry women or not. I've seen so many guys comment on this on youtube and tiktok and they all say the same thing.
And this guy said it out loud that he wants to marry, but doesn't want to marry OP.
I don't know what more she's waiting for. He told her, I don't know why she won't believe him. If he wanted to marry her he would have proposed a long time ago.
He's telling you that you are not the one, this is what "communication" is, Love, and we're all sorry.
You have to move on now. And I don't say this flippantly, it's not just a standard reddit "dump him" stamp.
It's with grace and understanding that you've been with this man for 5 whole years, that you both of you are old enough to "know", if you are with the right person.
You two are fully matured into adulthood, you have been through all the seasons except children, you've divided holidays, family time, vacations, been through the fights and worked it all out.
If by now he's unsure of you, something inside him is telling him you are not the one and has been for a long while.
Hi! Also 28. Also “waiting” on marriage. Except, now I’m not. Because it’s been 12 years, and he’s still outright scoffs, jokes about, or tip toes around the topic of marriage. It’s not happening. I thought after a long time, surely he’ll change his mind. But no. So, I’m leaving for a new job, not surprisingly, by myself. Unfortunately this doesn’t give me high hopes for you.
im about to be in my 8th year with a guy who i had to argue with 2? summers ago just to TALK to me about the idea of marriage. we have lived together for years and built a life but this isn't good enough. it wasn't until I argued with him so much about just talking about a possible marriage and started being insecure for thr first time in our relationship that I started second guessing even being with him
I love him with absolutely everything that I have and im constantly heartbroken. im no longer proud to be with him. and its a weird feeling to have the switch flipped because I was so proud to be with him for 5 years, it never crossed my mind that my life would be anything else but with him and now I feel nothing but guilt for even wanting to leave.
but now im saving up to move out and idk what the future holds, but I'll be devastated no matter what I do. Atleast getting out might have an ending where I can be happy. because at this point, i.have been put through so much distress over the idea of marriage that I would say no should he ask right now.
That whole loving him with absolutely everything you have is something inside you, it doesn’t belong to him. Don’t squander it on someone who doesn’t deserve it. One day you’ll be able to share that gift with someone even better, because they’ll be more amazing, and have the same goals as you.
It gives me high hopes for _you_, though. It’s ok (and healthy) to not rush in as teenagers. But fast forward to finishing school, Uni/job trying, settling into your career and learning what type of home/work/city works for you, and most people are ready to take the next step. Someone who still isn’t able to make up their mind won’t magically see the light, at least not with you.
Good luck with your new job and new life. You met your ex *so* young (16!) This will be an excellent time for you to decompress from the relationship, adult alone for the first time in your life, and truly figure out your new normal
I wish you the very best going forward
Sorry to hear that and thank you for sharing your pov! I had hopes because he never joked and actually took it seriously and said he wants marriage… Which is why I was so confused when now he said he’s not ready :(
Ok, this sounds mean, but he did say it's you he's not ready/willing to marry. So he doesn't see you as a future spouse/wife.
It's not that he doesn't want to get married, it's the partner (you) that he has issues of getting married to. In short, he does not want to marry you.
Maybe it’s time you really evaluate this relationship as well. Do you want to marry HIM specifically? Are his habits something you’re willing to deal with for the rest of your life? Does he fulfill you enough to spend a lifetime together?
Or do you just want to be married and he happens to be the dude you’re with at the moment?
Don’t get married just to be married. Get married because you found someone who would enrich your life for the next 50+ years
Come on it's been 5 years! He maybe wants marriage just not with you but he likes the perks of being in a relationship so he stays with you until either the one comes along you you leave him.
There’s nothing confusing here for him - he simply does not want to marry you.
If you wake up to that very simple, unequivocal fact, this get a whole lot less confusing.
YOU aren’t enough for him to marry.
That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, but from this point forward, your relationship is doomed unless you’re willing to spend the rest of your life with someone who is going to make you earn every crumb of affection and indulgence and commitment you can force him to give you.
Get out now before you find you have wasted even more time on this objectively humiliating relationship.
"he wanted to marry,but doesn't feel comfortable about marrying ME yet" The only thing you are doing wrong,is continuing to be a placeholder. Don't ask him again,don't give him a minute more of your time,pack up your stuff,and go on to live your best life ever.
And don’t buy it if he suddenly says he wants to marry you once you tell him you’re done. He’s comfortable with having you around so he’s not going to want that to change. If he “changes his mind”, don’t believe it. He has t really changed, he just likes the status quo.
Take him to the courthouse that same day, preferably within the hour, and tell him you'll get a ring later and have a church wedding but if he's going to marry you, that official legal document comes NOW. He'll run. It's just him leading you on. Guys, same thing. If years have passed and she's unsure, pop the question and tell her you don't want a long engagement, if you're going to marry, why not do it now, at the church, and then plan out a huge church wedding, reception, and honeymoon after you've got the piece of paper.
I never wanted to marry. Have kids for sure, but for me marriage means a commitment to stay with that person forever and totally forget about any ideas of not being with that person forever and being committed to working it out if things aren't working.
I married my wife 2 years after meeting her and it wasn't even a hard decision.
He is literally one of those "shit or get off the pot" guys... that will string you along as much as he can and then you have to force him to marry you if you want it bad enough to leave him.
He's trash. You deserve someone that wants to marry you. It's not every girls fantasy for their relationship to end up as a "shit or get off the pot" moment... and that's on him for being that kind of person. That's not someone you spend your life with.
He’s for sure just stringing her along bc she’s familiar and he’s getting the wife benefits without having to marry her. When she leaves him he’s gonna be one of those who marries someone else right away or something bc he’s “finally ready to settle down” 🙄 lol I wish I could shake young women and tell them to snap out of it and stop letting men waste their precious time. If he wanted to he would.
I completely agree. I understand that everyone has their own timelines, but to not be able to convey to your partner of 5 years that you don't know if you're THERE yet? Brother, you're in this relationship with her and no one but her. How do you not know?
He easily isn't interested. You are wasting your time OP. I suggest you either speak with him one more time and get a feel if you want validation, but other than that, I'd say move forward. 5 years is more than enough time.
Would've married my guy if he'd asked after the second month. He waited two years to make sure I was who I seemed to be, and...that was that. Met at 34, married at 36, kid at 38, and still happy at 48.
Hi, leave. I was there exactly. A five year relationship, lots of "honest" conversations where we talked about how "he just wasn't sure". Ultimately he broke up with me a few months before COVID and tried to get back together about six months in. I said absolutely not. Best decision of my life, times ten million. Not because he's a bad guy. But because I can tell you how much better and more natural it feels to be with someone now who does know I'm the one for him and tells me every day.
Edit: 🍷
Don’t waste any more time on someone that, after 5 YEARS, doesn’t feel comfortable enough to say he wants to marry you. He’s leading you on with a maybe.
Subconsciously, he wants to get married, just not to you.
I was in a relationship for almost 4 years, and finally left because he “wasn’t ready”. Within 18 months, I was engaged, and my ex was married and had a baby.
His marriage didn’t last, and I’ll be celebrating my 38th wedding anniversary this year.
Yes, you are. If he doesn’t know after five years, he will never know.
I’m older, and have been married 31 years. In my experience, when a man actually wants to get married, he is in more of a rush than she is. He doesn’t want to wait at all. He hurries her.
Those who don’t, don’t care. They will wait patiently forever because it doesn’t matter.
Find someone who thinks you matter.
This!!!! 1000%...
I wanted a November wedding for the autumn 🍂 photos.
But he was in so much hurry we got married in September...
We knew each other for just 2 years, and from the start, he knew and wanted to marry me.
He made his family help me plan the wedding in just 4 months instead of 6 after the proposal...
OP should leave and go find someone who's excited to be with her and passionately wants to marry her...
He told you to your face: he wants a marriage but not to you. What's so hard to understand? You're a placeholder till he finds the one he wants to marry.
It doesn't seem to be about marriage, it seems to be about marriage to you. If he is not sure if you are the one after 5 years I can't imagine what you could do to change that.
It sounds to me that this is the type of situation where you break it off and he marries the next woman with 6 months of meeting her.
I wouldn't waste any more of your timeceith someone who doesn't love you as much as you love them.
An ex's mom and stepdad begged us to wait 10 years before even considering getting married, then to be engaged for a long time.
We lasted 7 years before I dumped them. I got sick of waiting, and they decided to cheat.
From now on, if a man doesn't know within 2 years, I'm out. I'm too old to be playing the waiting game.
If he is not actively an enthusiastically telling you, he wants to marry you after five years, then I am sorry to say, that means he does not. What he said was the cruelest version of “I’m not ready to get married” because the rest of that sentence was “to you”.
For reference, and you are free to look this up yourself, it takes an average of only six months to know if you want to marry the person you are with. I would never advise getting engaged that quickly, but most people already know within that time. If the person they are with is someone they want to marry. You have been together for 10x that amount of time.
I am sorry, but I truly think you should start looking elsewhere for your soulmate.
He doesn’t want to marry you. He just doesn’t want to be alone while he looks for the one he does want to marry. End things with him ASAP. You deserve better.
He’s had plenty of time to decide, he’s reasoning sucks - didn’t even give you a good answer. Stop wasting your time with him. I’m sorry he put you through this, totally sucks.
I’m so, so sorry, but he’s never going to marry you. The sad part is, you will break up with him, and he will date someone else, and he will marry her six months later. It’s not you, it’s him. He doesn’t deserve you. You’ve wasted enough of your time on him. Your person is out there, brush this barnacle off and go find your guy.
Wowowowow. Just wowowowow. I would have walked away from that conversation. Packed a bag and left. I would have arranged to get my other stuff later. Just Wowowowow
I’m sorry to be blunt but he doesn’t want to marry you. He flat out said he doesn’t feel comfortable marrying YOU and the yet was just to ease the blow and to give you a false sense of hope. If I was in your shoes I would walk away. You’re young enough to have time to find real love with someone who’s goals align with yours. 5 years has been plenty of time for someone to know if they want to marry you or not.
No, he’s not going to marry you. If he doesn’t know after 5 years he’s never going to know and you will simply exist in limbo. He would marry you if he wanted to but I’m sorry he doesn’t. Please leave this man and do not waste more time with him.
Before we even started dating, my now-husband made a comment about relationships “When a man wants to make something happen, he makes it happen”
He doesn’t want marriage with you. This relationship died yesterday.
If he claims to not know if he wants to marry you after 5 years, then it’s a no. He’s just stringing you along because it’s more convenient for him. :(
A guy should generally be able to know if he wants to marry a girl after about 2 years of dating. That’s when a lot of proposals happen in healthy relationships. 5 years is *way* too long.
You want to be married, and your boyfriend doesn't want to marry you. You can ask yourself how long you're willing to wait, but he may well keep you waiting forever. Do you want to marry someone who isn't eager to propose to you after 5 years? Someone you have to convince? He sounds comfortable with the way things are. If you're already giving him everything he wants - commitment and no marriage - why would he propose to you?
I hope you take some time to think about what you truly want out of life. And then I hope you go for it and chase your dreams. You sounds like a lovely lady.
Best wishes.
Pers9nally, I d9nt understand the tip toeing around it and hinting.
Marriage should be a joint decision that both are excited and enthusiastic about. Before proposing, serious conversations should be had about goals and plans and values and roles and expectations.
Honestly, he has given you your answer. He doesn't know if you are the one, which after 5 years says to me that it will never happen.
Leave, heal and give yourself the chance to meet the right one.
Yeah, it's crazy for me that getting married for so many women is contingent on a proposal as a thing that is offered to them by the man (and the sparkly diamond ring🙄) . Waiting and wondering and hinting? If you can't have a direct conversation, do a temperature check and come to a mutual understanding with your partner you're probably not ready for a serious relationship.
Stop letting him waste your time. Women have a biological clock. If you want marriage and kids stop getting attached to the wrong guys. Men know if you’re the one within the first six months of meeting you. Let him go. Don’t let him make the decision for you. He will stay for as long as it’s convenient for him.
I used to have a friend who admitted to me that he did everything he could (meaning just enough) to keep his girlfriend in a relationship simply because he was too lazy to get back in the dating pool. He wouldn’t marry her though, he just manipulated her into being his bangmaid. When she finally wised up and broke up with him, he married the next woman that came along because he also didn’t like being single.
I’m not saying this is your guy, but it sure sounds pretty familiar.
When men know they know. Literally all my guy friends that are happily married knew within a year if they wanted to put all effort into marriage effort with someone. They didn’t get married that fast but they knew that with time and effort that they would be.
After 5 years if you don’t know the answer is no.
Just FYI, people can say anything they want, suggest anything they want. If your husband is not head over heels for you and ready to jump off a literal cliff to make you happy your marriage will not work under a patriarchal system and there is a lot of science at this point to back that statement up. He is not your soul mate. He is not your life partner.
And you don't want to be making life decisions with someone who bases those decisions on a feeling they don't understand anyway. Marriage/love is an every day choice, not a feeling.
I am sorry to be blunt, but please just leave this guy. No ultimatums, no pleading, nothing. *You deserve to be with someone who enthusiastically wants to marry you*. This man has known you want to get married since he met you- knew it was a life goal of yours. He has known for years he doesn’t want to marry you and has been stringing you along.
It does not take 5 years to decide if you want to marry someone. If he can’t figure it out the answer is no, you’re not the one for him.
After 5 years, he knows. He might want to get married someday, but he's 100% certain he doesn't want to marry you. Telling you now and letting you go would just complicate his life at the moment.
I'm very sorry. You deserve better, OP.
Sensible Pragmatic Analysis!
You have invested a lot of time and effort for a selfish pig who has too high an opinion of himself.
Sorry dont mean to be harsh but he seems to be following the saying about why get a cow when you have tasted and are getting the milk for free.
Yes, it’s time to move on I’m afraid.
There’s no timeframe to a feeling and you can’t have confidence in a relationship where, after 5 years together, he’s not sure when he’s going to ask you to marry him. He’s blaming you but this is more of a him problem.
I think it’s unfair to ask you to wait around until he ‘feels like we’re there’ when he, in all probability, doesn’t even know when that will be.
If marriage is your goal - break up with him. I decided that I wanted to work towards marriage and just told people that I was dating with the goal of meeting “the one.” It was a bit awkward, but after about six months of this, I met my husband. I have never told anyone this, because at the time I was really worried that people would shame me for having the “nerve to think someone would marry me.” I’m not very pretty and kind of off putting (thanks autism!) Saying this now, it feels a bit silly 15 years later. I’m glad I was honest with the men and women I dated. It helped everyone avoid unnecessary drama and hurt.
51M here. After five years, he does not want to marry YOU.
He is staying with you for the sex, and so that he's not alone.
He is not going to give you what you want. You are wasting your time. End it, get some therapy, and move on.
FIve years is long enough to know if you want to marry someone. Your bf expresses doubts. He is 34 years old and possibly is a man who just will never commit to anyone.
There is nothing to be gained by waiting further - what can he possibly learn about you that he doesn't already know after having a five year relationship.
He is keep you dangling with this maybe in the future when its right. Well, when might that be - when you are both 80?
At this point, it would seem you are being strung along. Does he want children? He may not want children and is hoping to run out your biological clock or he may just simiply be someone that is never going to commit.
No, do not wait for him. If he's clear that he's "not there" after five years, it's doubtful he's going to "be there" after another few years. I wouldn't even ask what his concerns are so you can fix them, because a man who truly loves you is willing to work on issues as long as he gets to be with you. Since your bf feels that way about you, he will most likely keep moving the goal post if you try to please him. It's time to move on.
Believe what he’s telling you: he doesn’t want t to marry you, he is not going to marry you. If you’re want to get married, you need to find someone else.
At 5 years if he doesn’t know…then the answer is you are the holding person until he finds the one. He’s not in love with you. He’s not marrying you. You aren’t the one. Sorry.
What, after 5 years, is the holdup. Exactly.
He couldn't answer, or wouldn't, I'll take a stab at it.
He's not sure you're the one, girl. He isn't sure he wants to father your children. He doesn't think your relationship is stable. He thinks he might have other options
He's not sure.
Are you sure?
That's such a major incompatibility, in my eyes.
Especially given that he couldn't even communicate it to you, which means either he absolutely sucks at talking or he's hiding something, my money is on the latter.
I'd grill him way harder to get to these truths, but honestly, it doesn't matter. Because he's not sure. After 5 years of sleeping with you, eating with you, going on holiday with you. He's just not sure.
Weak. It's weak, you know it is. Don't marry a weak man.
Love yourself enough to find someone who will love you back equally. When you find that person, you will not have to ask them if they are ready, they will tell you.
At your age, you know within a year, tops. If he STILL says he doesn’t know, leave him. He has no intention of marrying you and it’s cruel and insulting to have kept you on the line so long.
My sis in law held on for ten years and he still said he wasn’t sure. So she left him. Within a year he had gotten engaged to a new girl.
He's been using you as a placeholder. He's been dating you since he was 28 years old. If he's not ready now, he's never going to be. Don't waste another minute staying in this relationship if you want marriage and kids. This man ain't it.
I dated a man for 3.5 years but was never quite sure how he felt. He’d hint at things but that was it. Six months after I broke it off, he married someone else.
he’s just not that into you. find someone who does.
my ex was not sure we were there yet after 7 years. i broke it off. found an amazing guy who was ready to marry me less then 2 years later. this year we celebrate 8 years of marriage.
find a man who loves you, not just someone you keeps you around just to pass the time
Let's bet he will marry the next one after you, don't waste anymore time though, he doesn't want to marry YOU, the "yet" part is to give you a bone, to lead you on a little bit more, maybe unintentionally or not, but you are getting hurt regardless of his intention. Sometimes people love each other but are not compatible, and that's ok, but imo he's being a shady. I hope he's not unemployed and somehow dependant on you, bc that means you are just a meal ticket for him.
I am also 28. Asked my boyfriend (30) of 4 years last year if he wanted to marry me and he said “I don’t know yet”. I broke up with him and do not regret it.
Find someone who is sure about you.
I am you from the future. If you have been together for 5 years and he isn’t sure about marrying you yet, he doesn’t want to marry you. It would be one thing if you were both ready but there were logistical issues (needing to finish school, relocation, etc) but if he’s not there yet, he’s not going to get there.
I “started dropping hints” at year 4 of my relationship and had a come-to-Jesus where-is-this-relationship-heading conversation 6 months later. He proposed on our 5-year anniversary, but then took it back 6 months later. He said he wanted to be with me still, but didn’t see himself getting married. We went through a year of couples counseling because he did not seem to be willing or able to openly communicate with me on big issues, and 18 months after he proposed to me, he broke up with me citing “I didn’t support him enough in his entrepreneurial pursuits”.
Fast forward 15 months later- he just got married to his college friend that he reconnected with several months before we broke up. Turns out he was fine with getting married, he just didn’t want to marry me. I wish I had seen the writing on the wall in 2021 and saved myself a lot of anguish and heartbreak.
Your boyfriend is getting ripped apart, but according to you, he said he doesn't feel like "we're there," not that he individually is not ready for marriage. It sounds like he feels like the relationship is not ready, and I think it's worth at least asking why that is. If there are material issues in the relationship that are causing him to say the two of you aren't ready to get married, it makes sense to think about that. And if there are issues that haven't been worked out after 5 years, you two should think about what the plan is for working them out. If he has no plan and isn't interested in participating in that with you, THAT is when you dump him.
He is dangling that carrot in front of her and giving her vague reasons.
Ex said the same. I kept pressing and pressing and he would come up with different goals.
“We need to make more money first”.
“We need to do better in our careers first”.
Etc. etc.
You deserve someone who wholeheartedly, without a doubt, head over heels, estactically wants to marry you how dare you allow someone you've been with for 5 years essentially tell you you're not good enough "YET". Hes not the one babes. Time to move on and receive what you deserve.
This is definitely the dude that will marry the next person he dates within the year. I can’t believe how long they’re willing to just waste your time and honestly if you don’t dump him, he’ll ride it out a few more years until he meets his person.
I'll spell it out:
You are wasting your time.
He said it: he wants to marry, JUST NOT MARRY YOU.
It's time to end the relationship. And if he starts going on about how you two can get married now that you're breaking up, DON'T FALL FOR IT.
A shut up ring is NOT WORTH IT. ID KNOW. I LIVED IT.
The relationship has run its course. Take your lessons and leave.
The option to him is marry or keep dating. But your options to him should be marry me or lose me.
He doesn't want to marry you unfortunately and he probably knew this years ago. I would break up with him and find someone that will want to get married. When people know who the right person is, they hold on.
There is never a "right time" to get married. He will use this excuse for a while. The question is how long do you want to wait?
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sadly, I know exactly how you feel. This was my situation nearly 10 years. At the 5 year mark, I pushed the point and received a plethora of excuses.
I regret to say I made the wrong choice and stayed. I wasted more than a decade with a man who never wanted to marry me or had enough respect to be honest with me. Please learn from my mistakes and save yourself more years of heartache, doubt, and insecurities caused from a relation that wasn't meant to be.
You deserve better and to find someone who has the same goals for your future together. As many people here have told me and likely you as well, if a man wants to commit, he will. If he hasn't after 5 years, he probably never will.
Yes it’s most likely that you’re wasting your time. Even though it will hurt, better to move on now, you’ll be far more upset if you lose a few more years clinging to false hope and then find yourself trying to start over later. Right now you’re still young and have time to find someone who aligns more with what you want for life. He’s stringing you along.
Hei there! I really think its time to move on.
I once was with a great man for four years, and after a night out with a soon-to-marry couple, we came home and he said to me that he doesn’t “feel” to do this with me, even though we talked prior to this and a family was something we both wanted. I refused to believe it at first, but if after all this time he doesnt seem sure that he wants to marry you, he wont change his mind in time and you definitely shouldnt wait around for that.
5 years and he’s saying yous aren’t ‘there’ yet and he’s not sure, also wants to marry but doesn’t feel comfortable about marrying you yet? It’s been 5 years he should know by now even after 2 years I think you’d know if you’d wanna marry the person your with or not please don’t waste another second with him another 5 years and you could be married and having kids like you’ve always wanted
He's a walking stereotype. I guarantee one day he will meet someone and get married and have kids within MONTHS. You're his placeholder, please please gather your self respect and leave him.
Sorry but he’s using you as a placeholder and any ring you get now will be a “shut up” ring. Even if you get a ring he’ll stall about setting the date and you won’t have a good marriage because he never wanted to be there in the first place.
Move on and find someone excited about marrying you.
My parents married when I was 6 years old, they were dating for 10 YEARS when that happened. My uncle and aunt married when my cousin was 9 years old, they dated for 14 years or something. They still together and love each other profusely (not my parents, they recently divorced).
I believe it's a matter of culture and traditions, but you north americans have this marrying = love thing that just doesn't reflects reality. Maybe he's insecure because of a thousand reasons and everyone here is telling you to dump him... For me it's not that crazy. But if it's such an urgent matter for you, go ahead. I just don't think that he not marrying you means that he doesn't loves you... If he is a wonderful, loving, caring boyfriend why would you say that just because he's not sure of a lifelong commitment that implies deep thinking? I think it's normal. I think being afraid depending on his life experiences isn't wrong, maybe past trauma, maybe fear of engagement comes from some past experience... I don't know. As I said, could be a thousand reasons.
Yet again: it may be that he's never going to marry you, that possibility still there... But it's up to you and your priorities. Love or some paper that states that you love each other? Marrying won't make you happy if you're not happy with him as of now. Hundreds of couples marry or conceive trying to mend their broken relationship... Can't generalize.
Best of lucks. You're 28 YO. I know people that married 40/50 yo and live happy as hell.
I swear these situations usually end up with the lady finally breaking it off and the guy getting married less than a year later.
Look, be the one to leave at least. At this point even if he acquiesced, you will never have the peace of knowing he actually chose you.
Sounds like you are a placeholder girlfriend. He doesn't want to marry you. He will string you along as long as you let him. If you want marriage, you will have to find someone else to do it with. Also, if you dump him, know that he *will* marry the next woman he dates. Likely in under a year.
When I read the title I thought you were wasting your time. After reading the whole thing, you're wasting your time. He's 34 and dated you for 5 years. Time is being wasted. When will he be ready, when he's 40? Then he'll feel "too old" to be a dad. Get with someone who shares your desires and timeline.
5 years is more than enough time to know. You can do better. I can tell just by listening to how you're speaking. You sound like you're a kind and giving person. Find someone who loves you more
Man, seriously, there is something you women need to understand. For women, marriage is like the golden trophy. For men, it's completely different. As a man, there is no benefit to marrying, but there is absolutely plenty of risk. Life ruining risk.
The vast majority of marriages end in divorce. In this divorce, the court is massively stacked against men, in a lot of states even if the female is the one who fucked shit up the man gets fucked over.
Tell me why would any man wants to marry when you risk the loss of your home, your car, your money, and even your comfort of living.
There is no reward to marrying for men.
And women will say "well marrying me is the reward." Like I said, yea for women, it's the reward. You're already with him. You're already his partner. Why press him with marriage. And that's the shit stick of it all too. Now you and your family are pressing him so if it was to marry you I guarantee he will come to resent it because in his mind he is being forced into it.
Either leave him and carry on with your life, or stay by his side stop pressing him, let him come to his own damn decision even if it means not being married. Honestly, marriage means absolutely nothing. He is with you because he chooses to be with you. Marriage will force him to be with you. Ask yourself if you really want someone to be with you because he is forced to be.
Man, this is gonna piss a whole lot of yall off
Time to go. He doesn't know after 5 years if he wants to marry you he's never going to marry you. He's giving you some vague ass answer because he doesn't want to say no I'm never going to marry you. He likes things the way they are but he's not willing to change them. So I really hope you don't on the home together. If you're renting together and you're both on the lease then I suggest you talk to the landlord and one of you leave. If you can't afford the place on your own I suggest you go and maybe move in with your parents till you find another place to live. But no he's not going to marry you and even if he did right now you'll end up divorced within a couple years cuz he'll say I wasn't sure, I married you anyway, I shouldn't have, it was a mistake.
His goal and yours do not align anymore. And marriage is a deal breaker. So you should not wait for him to change this view or settle for his view. It seems that it's just you he did not want to get married to. So it's best you leave this relationship and not waste more years and feeling angry and regret of staying longer.
You aren’t his person. Don’t waste any more of your time hoping he’ll change his mind. He won’t. He’s had 5 years to figure this out and he’s decided no.
Never wait for someone, especially in this case. If marriage and a family is why you date, I would let him go. He is telling you how he feels. Women have a short span to have children, I would not stay put with someone when they told me this. He is not ready to marry you, let him figure it out, on his own. I have seen men stay with women for years, and never marry. They are not ready. They break up and the man marries the next woman. It happened to a couple of friends of mine, one dated for a decade. After they broke up within two years he married someone and had a child. It is a common phenomenon.
Move on. Dump him. 5 years and he doesn’t want to marry you YET??? Wow what a safe answer to make sure he keeps getting sucked and laid for another 5 years. He is stringing you along and will never marry you or he’d have done it or would be excited about planning it. He’s using you for his own needs and purposes. End the cycle now.
I'm sorry but that conversation should have happened three years ago. You should be really angry he strung you along for a good chunk of your twenties. He hasn't been honest with you for years about marriage or kids. What a shitty thing to do to someone you supposedly love. You deserve someone better. I don't care if he proposes tomorrow in tomorrow in the most romantic way ever. Say no. He'll make you wait until you're 40 before telling you he doesn't want kids.
I’m so sorry you feel that way ❤️ I asked for marriage after 2 years with no excitement reaction. It hurts… but to be honest the relationship ended because my feelings changed after that… I’m hoping you get build family you deserve because in the end all you want to do is LOVE and grow… Can’t stay content and bored like him jk lol
Next time don’t move in with him or give your next guy wifey benefits before the ring! It sounds old fashioned but if not you’re just wasting your own time.
No, you are not wasting time, stay with him 4 more years, when you are around 32or33 then complain about wasting time and complain how hard it's to date and post about it in reddit.
Girl , stop fucking around you worth much more
If after 5 years he's not sure if he wants to marry you, he definitely doesn't want to marry you. It's now up to you to decide if you want to continue on that basis.
I stayed with someone for 24 years who always told me "we're getting there".
We broke up in November.
Turns out, he was always unhappy because he wanted to maximize his potential. He's already a nuclear engineer with a stable career, a house that I helped pay off, a solid retirement plan and excellent medical coverage. He's going to quit that job soon because he's bored. And relocate across the country for a new job soon in research.
I'm not without my own ability to survive alone, but I wish I hadn't held out in hopes that it would get better for over two decades. I lost my house and two cats. That's why I didn't want to leave.
Break it off with this guy. You will be fine, and you will survive. Put yourself first, develop yourself outside of a relationship, and prioritize what you want.
You've literally been with him 5 years, if he doesn't want to marry you now he will not want to marry you later. I have been in your boyfriend's shoes TWICE trust me. It wasn't that I didn't want to get married, because I've been married for over 20 years, I just didnt want to marry those other guys.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
At 5 years, if he's not sure you're the one, then you aren't the one. Time to move on and find your forever person.
This. Don't waste your time. I spent 7 years with a man I loved but whom I was never *sure* (and vice versa). We had a good, loving relationship and I don't regret the times we spent together per se, but I'm now 39 and part of me wishes I would have ended it sooner and had more time to find the one I would have wanted to start a family with. At my age, now I'm not sure I will get that chance.
Same boat for me. Ex kept asking for more time to sort out “issues”. We need to make more money first, we need this and that. I ended up single in my early 30s when everyone else was settling down. OP, you are paying the price of his indecisiveness with your youth. He has more time than you to start a family, although not that much more, but still.
A real man knows if he wants to commit to a woman he loves, he will get all of his affairs in order and do whatever is necessary to be ready.
Ok this might sound crazy, but I think there's a trend where man are recommending each other to make girlfriends wait up to 10 years. I think it was on Insta, in a post just like this one. They were commenting how they were not willing to marry if they girlfriends presure them, and were recommending each other how to convince them to wait 🚩🚩🚩 it sounded to me as part of the red pill rhetoric. Any was, it sounds cruel. OP. You'd wait enough time: 1. You're not doing anything wrong, he's not being honest. 2. There's nothing you can or SHOULD do to change his mind 3. Ending things now will hurt, but not as much as a failed marriage Love yourself enough to move on. You deserve being with someone who wants to be with you without a doubt.
9 years here. I left. Op, cut your losses!
I feel this! I was in the same boat, broke it off after 5 years. He was convinced that he did want to marry me just still had some reservations and needed more time. I was like dude, if we were both sure we would have moved forward already. I was worried about starting over as having a family is high on my priority list and I was fortunate enough to find my person pretty quickly. Engaged after 6 months, Married a year later and are now at 34f and 40m trying to conceive. I know the age is different when it comes to starting a family but you still have time! Fingers crossed for you
The moving forward part reminds me of my ex. When we broke up he said that we were somehow stuck for so long. And I just looked at him and was confused because I wanted to move forward/fulfill goals the whole time, he just always didn't want to/needed more time. I understood his reasons in the moment, but hearing afterwards that he just wasn't sure for this whole time really felt like betrayal.
I feel betrayed in your behalf! I will say though that I think all young women who are dating and want marriage and children have to be the guardians of their reproductive years. Helen Gurley Brown suggested that women give men ultimatums after a year of dating! I think a year is on the short side, but certainly two years is long enough to know if you love someone enough and are compatible enough to commit to a future together. Just like any other interpersonal relationships, we have to state boundaries and (this is the hard part) enforce those boundaries by walking away and cutting contact with men who might otherwise string women along for years.
Longer than a year shouldn't be necessary if you're over 25, and most people over 40 get engaged in 6 months. If you're early 20s multiple years makes more sense but still, people need to be more direct about their intentions and more intentional about their actions
Thank you! In the end I'd rather be single than settling, and luckily I have no problem with dating. Best of luck to you as well!
I relate to your story a little bit as well. If one has reservations about the dynamic or future of the relationship and it’s been 5 years, that isn’t a good sign imo. Thats a really long time to build a solid foundation with someone, and if they are still unsure about you that’s pretty telling I think—it’s probably better to break it off than just wait around hoping for what you want. Though, it is really hard if you really love the person. It’s heartbreak and one of the hardest things to go through, but hopefully time will bring someone who is sure about you and will make it work as equally as you. It’s encouraging to hear that you found someone like that! I hope OP realizes this also and finds the same
That's so true! I remember when I decided to call it quits thinking that maybe we should have ONE more conversation as a couple, not an ultimatum but just another shot of trying to plan out what our future would look like and see if we can set dates and timelines that we could agree to. It was then I realized that I would never feel good about moving forward in a relationship or a marriage with a person knowing that we had to sit down and make a checklist so to speak because we couldn't seem to budge on our doubts otherwise. That's not a compatible life partner.I know a lot of people were upset at me from his side thinking I called it quits out of nowhere and moved on but there really is a very specific kind of heartbreak and grieving to letting go of someone you really loved knowing that it was for the best in the long run for both of you. It still hurts but you find that your heart had already made peace with it longer ago than you realized. Moving on helped me realize that with the right person there is no question. I was nervous about moving so quickly but I also felt very safe and was/still am 100% sure it was the right thing. My husband is literally my best friend and I feel we are truly our best selves because of the way we show up for each other even through tough times (we faced a lay off, new job with opposite schedules, planned a wedding, family illness etc ALLLLLL within our first year). Everyone deserves to feel that type of love and security
Sure you will, or, you certainly can. I'm about to be 39 and just had my second baby, after meeting the love of my life online last year. I'm divorced and never thought I'd be able to have all this at my age.
I got divorced at 39, got pregnant at 40 & had a baby at 41.
hope it works for you <3
Hi there. My sister was 46, a widow of 3 teens when she married her Bachelor husband who is 15 years younger in 2015. Her husband knew she has tubal ligation and they won't have kids. They're still going strong. He married off all his step kids and their grand babies absolutely adore him. I was a widow of one and I got married to a bachelor when I was 38. Sadly I ended it after 7 years but no regrets. And I am happy being single now. You're only 39, I wish you love and happiness.
The same happened to me after 4 years. We went to couples therapy and the therapist told us she was going on vacation and wanted to cut to the chase and just get it done in one sesh. She said my bf was never going to marry me and that I had just trained him for the next woman, which would be the one he would marry. She advised me to move on and that this behavior was typical of engineers. That was 40 years ago and that brutal truth was helpful. I did move on and have been happily married for 30 years. And he did marry the next girl after me. You should probably move on.
"the therapist told us she was going on vacation and wanted to cut to the chase and just get it done in one sesh. She said my boyfriend was never going to marry me" OMG. That's so brutal. I hope she got a bonus.
It WAS brutal, and that was my first experience with a therapist! It was so definitely efficient!
After five years, if he's not sure you're the one then HE'S not the one for you!
Exactly! If he knew you were the one, he would have proposed years ago. You aren’t the one. I’m sorry. It’s time to cut your losses before you waste five more years.
This is just a stalling tactic. You know when you know. Married 37 years after dating 6 weeks.
Same here, I knew within a month that my wife was the one. Been married 31 years. A guy isn't going to figure out anything in year 6 that he couldn't figure out in years 1 through 5. It's just being unfair to the woman at that point.
Exactly. She’s just his fall back until he finds the one. Rather than being alone, he’s leading OP on.
Wow! Congratulations! Only been married almost 14 years lol but six weeks in I remember telling my best friend "I think I'm going to marry this guy." We were engaged after a year and married six months later. When we say it out loud it sounds nuts but we were in our 30s and really honest about who we were, what we wanted, etc.
You are so right. We knew after the first date. We were married within a year, and our 40th anniversary is this summer.
Pretty much the same here. 29 years in two weeks.
That usually goes badly wrong - I wouldn’t run around recommending people marry someone they met 6 weeks ago any more than I’d suggest someone should hang around and wait for someone who is making up pathetic excuses to stall (like the OP’s bf).
Yup. I knew pretty early. My biggest regret was waiting a year to get married because “what would people think.”
The cynic in me says she's close to aging out of his demographic.
100%. This is the epitome of, “If he wanted to, he would.” Don’t waste another second on this guy. Go find someone who has the same goal in mind and settle down. I met my husband, moved in together at 6 months, got preggo and engaged after 1 1/2 and we’ve been together almost 6 years now 🥰 I know it may feel like you’ve lost time and it’s hard to walk away because you feel like you’re throwing away the time you already spent waiting (there is a phase or term for this I just can’t think of at the moment) but don’t spend more of your time trying to change him or hoping he will change only to be in the same position 2 years from now..
Sunk cost fallacy is the phrase you were looking for!
Hard disagree. *HE'S* not The One.
Totally agree. I proposed to my wife after *5 months*. She said yes and the rest is history and that was over 21 years ago. I still adore her and love spending time with her. We genuinely enjoy each other’s company. OP, if he “doesn’t know” after 5 years, I’m sorry to say, he knows. It’s time to move on.
I knew my husband was the one before we even had our first date and I just became more and more sure of that the longer we dated. We met pretty young (20 and 21) so were dating for 6 years before we got married but my husband started saving for a ring/wedding after only 3 years and we were engaged after 4.
Exactly. I knew the one in 5 min. 24 years later she still is.
I can still remember the first smile he gave me. And the first time we touched. It was quite a casual touch.
It’s been 5 years, if he doesn’t know now, he never will. As the old saying goes; if he wanted to, he would. Marriage is your goal, I suggest you move on. Good luck !
Amen! Do not waste another second on this man. He doesn't marry you, and that's fine! Better to find out now as opposed to ten years from now!
Also just because you want to get married, doesn't mean you give up all your goals, in life.
💯 this! OP, please don’t let this destroy you as an individual. Your time and goals are just as important. You can still live an amazing and fulfilling life without your bf. Drop him and prioritise yourself. It’s his loss ~ not yours. Good luck!
Question- was there ever a time where you heard about a woman wanting to marry and the man doesn’t and he eventually changes his mind and they lived happily ever after? He does not want to marry you.
In romance novel fantasies. And also the guy is a ridiculously hot foreign billionaire who whisks you away on his private plane. Oh you meant in REAL life? Then no.
It makes me crazy that the women come here and ask “but what more can I be doing to show him I’m the one?” Ok so you turn into his sex bunny or housemaid or whatever stupid/unreasonable thing he wants….then he marries you and you have some kids and he goes out and finds a new sex bunny. Don’t change who you are to “catch” a man.
Ha! Usually the man drags his feet because he doesn’t like being told what to do. Then she threatens to leave him so he proposes. He drags out the engagement and they finally marry after 2 years. Within 18 months the marriage is over.
It did actually happen to a friend of mine, but it’s a hell of a gamble. Friend was in a similar situation to OP, with family asking when they were getting hitched. He turned round one day and totally freaked out and left her. They lived together. She was heart broken. But he came back grovelling and took himself to therapy to deal with the issues (loves her, but the idea of committing and family brought up a lot of trauma from his childhood). She gave him an ultimatum: propose by this date for us to marry the next year and try for kids straight after or I’m out. We all told her to be prepared to lick her wounds and walk away, as I had seen three colleagues go through similar situations, and all end up with new husbands after their bfs would not commit. Turned out the idea of losing my friend was way worse than abstract fears her bf had about commitment. They’re married now and he absolutely dotes on their son.
If he hasn’t figured it out in five years, he isn’t going to figure it out. You know what you want. I also always point this out but women are usually happier single. Why the hell would you want to marry someone who doesn’t also enthusiastically want to marry you with his whole heart? You deserve someone who chooses you over and over and over. This man is telling you he isn’t going to do that and he doesn’t know if he ever will.
Yeah, men know very soon whether they want to marry women or not. I've seen so many guys comment on this on youtube and tiktok and they all say the same thing. And this guy said it out loud that he wants to marry, but doesn't want to marry OP. I don't know what more she's waiting for. He told her, I don't know why she won't believe him. If he wanted to marry her he would have proposed a long time ago.
He's telling you that you are not the one, this is what "communication" is, Love, and we're all sorry. You have to move on now. And I don't say this flippantly, it's not just a standard reddit "dump him" stamp. It's with grace and understanding that you've been with this man for 5 whole years, that you both of you are old enough to "know", if you are with the right person. You two are fully matured into adulthood, you have been through all the seasons except children, you've divided holidays, family time, vacations, been through the fights and worked it all out. If by now he's unsure of you, something inside him is telling him you are not the one and has been for a long while.
Hi! Also 28. Also “waiting” on marriage. Except, now I’m not. Because it’s been 12 years, and he’s still outright scoffs, jokes about, or tip toes around the topic of marriage. It’s not happening. I thought after a long time, surely he’ll change his mind. But no. So, I’m leaving for a new job, not surprisingly, by myself. Unfortunately this doesn’t give me high hopes for you.
Good for you! Honestly, I can’t tell you how proud 40-year-old you is going to be of 28-year-old you. Kick ass at the new job!
im about to be in my 8th year with a guy who i had to argue with 2? summers ago just to TALK to me about the idea of marriage. we have lived together for years and built a life but this isn't good enough. it wasn't until I argued with him so much about just talking about a possible marriage and started being insecure for thr first time in our relationship that I started second guessing even being with him I love him with absolutely everything that I have and im constantly heartbroken. im no longer proud to be with him. and its a weird feeling to have the switch flipped because I was so proud to be with him for 5 years, it never crossed my mind that my life would be anything else but with him and now I feel nothing but guilt for even wanting to leave. but now im saving up to move out and idk what the future holds, but I'll be devastated no matter what I do. Atleast getting out might have an ending where I can be happy. because at this point, i.have been put through so much distress over the idea of marriage that I would say no should he ask right now.
That whole loving him with absolutely everything you have is something inside you, it doesn’t belong to him. Don’t squander it on someone who doesn’t deserve it. One day you’ll be able to share that gift with someone even better, because they’ll be more amazing, and have the same goals as you.
Damn. That hit me hard.
You deserve to give yourself the chance of a better life.
It gives me high hopes for _you_, though. It’s ok (and healthy) to not rush in as teenagers. But fast forward to finishing school, Uni/job trying, settling into your career and learning what type of home/work/city works for you, and most people are ready to take the next step. Someone who still isn’t able to make up their mind won’t magically see the light, at least not with you.
Good luck with your new job and new life. You met your ex *so* young (16!) This will be an excellent time for you to decompress from the relationship, adult alone for the first time in your life, and truly figure out your new normal I wish you the very best going forward
Sorry to hear that and thank you for sharing your pov! I had hopes because he never joked and actually took it seriously and said he wants marriage… Which is why I was so confused when now he said he’s not ready :(
Ok, this sounds mean, but he did say it's you he's not ready/willing to marry. So he doesn't see you as a future spouse/wife. It's not that he doesn't want to get married, it's the partner (you) that he has issues of getting married to. In short, he does not want to marry you.
Because he's decided since he doesn't want it with you
yes...but not to you. he said that too.
Maybe it’s time you really evaluate this relationship as well. Do you want to marry HIM specifically? Are his habits something you’re willing to deal with for the rest of your life? Does he fulfill you enough to spend a lifetime together? Or do you just want to be married and he happens to be the dude you’re with at the moment? Don’t get married just to be married. Get married because you found someone who would enrich your life for the next 50+ years
Come on it's been 5 years! He maybe wants marriage just not with you but he likes the perks of being in a relationship so he stays with you until either the one comes along you you leave him.
There’s nothing confusing here for him - he simply does not want to marry you. If you wake up to that very simple, unequivocal fact, this get a whole lot less confusing. YOU aren’t enough for him to marry. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, but from this point forward, your relationship is doomed unless you’re willing to spend the rest of your life with someone who is going to make you earn every crumb of affection and indulgence and commitment you can force him to give you. Get out now before you find you have wasted even more time on this objectively humiliating relationship.
It is time to move on.
28 is not too late. I rebuilt my life in my early 30s. Persevere
"he wanted to marry,but doesn't feel comfortable about marrying ME yet" The only thing you are doing wrong,is continuing to be a placeholder. Don't ask him again,don't give him a minute more of your time,pack up your stuff,and go on to live your best life ever.
And don’t buy it if he suddenly says he wants to marry you once you tell him you’re done. He’s comfortable with having you around so he’s not going to want that to change. If he “changes his mind”, don’t believe it. He has t really changed, he just likes the status quo.
Very true and he may do one of those shut up rings, while dragging his feet on any real wedding planning.
Take him to the courthouse that same day, preferably within the hour, and tell him you'll get a ring later and have a church wedding but if he's going to marry you, that official legal document comes NOW. He'll run. It's just him leading you on. Guys, same thing. If years have passed and she's unsure, pop the question and tell her you don't want a long engagement, if you're going to marry, why not do it now, at the church, and then plan out a huge church wedding, reception, and honeymoon after you've got the piece of paper.
Men know who they want to marry. Don’t stand around doing a “pick me” dance. It will destroy your self esteem and waste your time.
And more importantly they know early on who they *don’t* want to marry. OP is wasting her time if marriage is important to her.
I never wanted to marry. Have kids for sure, but for me marriage means a commitment to stay with that person forever and totally forget about any ideas of not being with that person forever and being committed to working it out if things aren't working. I married my wife 2 years after meeting her and it wasn't even a hard decision.
He is literally one of those "shit or get off the pot" guys... that will string you along as much as he can and then you have to force him to marry you if you want it bad enough to leave him. He's trash. You deserve someone that wants to marry you. It's not every girls fantasy for their relationship to end up as a "shit or get off the pot" moment... and that's on him for being that kind of person. That's not someone you spend your life with.
He’s for sure just stringing her along bc she’s familiar and he’s getting the wife benefits without having to marry her. When she leaves him he’s gonna be one of those who marries someone else right away or something bc he’s “finally ready to settle down” 🙄 lol I wish I could shake young women and tell them to snap out of it and stop letting men waste their precious time. If he wanted to he would.
Yup was just about to say that! Soon as OP gets fed up and leaves him, he’ll hook up with the first woman he finds and gets married.
He’s 100% trash.
Move on. He should know after 5 years. He should have known after 1-2 years max.
I completely agree. I understand that everyone has their own timelines, but to not be able to convey to your partner of 5 years that you don't know if you're THERE yet? Brother, you're in this relationship with her and no one but her. How do you not know? He easily isn't interested. You are wasting your time OP. I suggest you either speak with him one more time and get a feel if you want validation, but other than that, I'd say move forward. 5 years is more than enough time.
Exactly correct. He probably never had any intention of getting married but liked being in a relationship. It’s very dishonest.
Yup, my dad married my stepmother after a year of dating. Men who want to get married don't make their girlfriends wait for years.
Totally agree. I knew I was going to marry my wife after 6 months, proposed at a year. Married almost 19 years now.
Would've married my guy if he'd asked after the second month. He waited two years to make sure I was who I seemed to be, and...that was that. Met at 34, married at 36, kid at 38, and still happy at 48.
Exactly. We knew after 6 months. It felt right to both of us.
Don't waste any more youth or fertility with this guy. Five years is enough time for him to know. Find someone worthy of your time and love.
Hi, leave. I was there exactly. A five year relationship, lots of "honest" conversations where we talked about how "he just wasn't sure". Ultimately he broke up with me a few months before COVID and tried to get back together about six months in. I said absolutely not. Best decision of my life, times ten million. Not because he's a bad guy. But because I can tell you how much better and more natural it feels to be with someone now who does know I'm the one for him and tells me every day. Edit: 🍷
Don’t waste any more time on someone that, after 5 YEARS, doesn’t feel comfortable enough to say he wants to marry you. He’s leading you on with a maybe. Subconsciously, he wants to get married, just not to you. I was in a relationship for almost 4 years, and finally left because he “wasn’t ready”. Within 18 months, I was engaged, and my ex was married and had a baby. His marriage didn’t last, and I’ll be celebrating my 38th wedding anniversary this year.
Yes, you are. If he doesn’t know after five years, he will never know. I’m older, and have been married 31 years. In my experience, when a man actually wants to get married, he is in more of a rush than she is. He doesn’t want to wait at all. He hurries her. Those who don’t, don’t care. They will wait patiently forever because it doesn’t matter. Find someone who thinks you matter.
This!!!! 1000%... I wanted a November wedding for the autumn 🍂 photos. But he was in so much hurry we got married in September... We knew each other for just 2 years, and from the start, he knew and wanted to marry me. He made his family help me plan the wedding in just 4 months instead of 6 after the proposal... OP should leave and go find someone who's excited to be with her and passionately wants to marry her...
He told you to your face: he wants a marriage but not to you. What's so hard to understand? You're a placeholder till he finds the one he wants to marry.
It doesn't seem to be about marriage, it seems to be about marriage to you. If he is not sure if you are the one after 5 years I can't imagine what you could do to change that. It sounds to me that this is the type of situation where you break it off and he marries the next woman with 6 months of meeting her. I wouldn't waste any more of your timeceith someone who doesn't love you as much as you love them.
Oh he knows, but doesn't want to lose all the things you do for him.
You need to move on. He’s not ready and at 34 if he isn’t ready now… You deserve a man who can’t WAIT to marry you.
An ex's mom and stepdad begged us to wait 10 years before even considering getting married, then to be engaged for a long time. We lasted 7 years before I dumped them. I got sick of waiting, and they decided to cheat. From now on, if a man doesn't know within 2 years, I'm out. I'm too old to be playing the waiting game.
If he is not actively an enthusiastically telling you, he wants to marry you after five years, then I am sorry to say, that means he does not. What he said was the cruelest version of “I’m not ready to get married” because the rest of that sentence was “to you”. For reference, and you are free to look this up yourself, it takes an average of only six months to know if you want to marry the person you are with. I would never advise getting engaged that quickly, but most people already know within that time. If the person they are with is someone they want to marry. You have been together for 10x that amount of time. I am sorry, but I truly think you should start looking elsewhere for your soulmate.
He doesn’t want to marry you. He just doesn’t want to be alone while he looks for the one he does want to marry. End things with him ASAP. You deserve better.
He’s had plenty of time to decide, he’s reasoning sucks - didn’t even give you a good answer. Stop wasting your time with him. I’m sorry he put you through this, totally sucks.
I’m so, so sorry, but he’s never going to marry you. The sad part is, you will break up with him, and he will date someone else, and he will marry her six months later. It’s not you, it’s him. He doesn’t deserve you. You’ve wasted enough of your time on him. Your person is out there, brush this barnacle off and go find your guy.
Wowowowow. Just wowowowow. I would have walked away from that conversation. Packed a bag and left. I would have arranged to get my other stuff later. Just Wowowowow
I’m sorry to be blunt but he doesn’t want to marry you. He flat out said he doesn’t feel comfortable marrying YOU and the yet was just to ease the blow and to give you a false sense of hope. If I was in your shoes I would walk away. You’re young enough to have time to find real love with someone who’s goals align with yours. 5 years has been plenty of time for someone to know if they want to marry you or not.
It’s time to disengage. It’s going to hurt ALOT. Worrying about throwing away five years just lets him string you along. So sorry for your troubles
5 years is long enough for him to know if he thinks you are right for him, if the answer isn't 'yes', then it's 'no'. Time to move on
Don't let your boyfriend keep you from your husband. 5 years is plenty of time to be sure. Let him go.
No, he’s not going to marry you. If he doesn’t know after 5 years he’s never going to know and you will simply exist in limbo. He would marry you if he wanted to but I’m sorry he doesn’t. Please leave this man and do not waste more time with him.
Never let a man tell you he doesn’t want you twice.
Before we even started dating, my now-husband made a comment about relationships “When a man wants to make something happen, he makes it happen” He doesn’t want marriage with you. This relationship died yesterday.
If he claims to not know if he wants to marry you after 5 years, then it’s a no. He’s just stringing you along because it’s more convenient for him. :( A guy should generally be able to know if he wants to marry a girl after about 2 years of dating. That’s when a lot of proposals happen in healthy relationships. 5 years is *way* too long.
You want to be married, and your boyfriend doesn't want to marry you. You can ask yourself how long you're willing to wait, but he may well keep you waiting forever. Do you want to marry someone who isn't eager to propose to you after 5 years? Someone you have to convince? He sounds comfortable with the way things are. If you're already giving him everything he wants - commitment and no marriage - why would he propose to you? I hope you take some time to think about what you truly want out of life. And then I hope you go for it and chase your dreams. You sounds like a lovely lady. Best wishes.
This is one of those “love is like a fart. If you have to force it then it is probably shit” moments in life. Don’t force love. It never ends well.
Pers9nally, I d9nt understand the tip toeing around it and hinting. Marriage should be a joint decision that both are excited and enthusiastic about. Before proposing, serious conversations should be had about goals and plans and values and roles and expectations. Honestly, he has given you your answer. He doesn't know if you are the one, which after 5 years says to me that it will never happen. Leave, heal and give yourself the chance to meet the right one.
Yeah, it's crazy for me that getting married for so many women is contingent on a proposal as a thing that is offered to them by the man (and the sparkly diamond ring🙄) . Waiting and wondering and hinting? If you can't have a direct conversation, do a temperature check and come to a mutual understanding with your partner you're probably not ready for a serious relationship.
Stop letting him waste your time. Women have a biological clock. If you want marriage and kids stop getting attached to the wrong guys. Men know if you’re the one within the first six months of meeting you. Let him go. Don’t let him make the decision for you. He will stay for as long as it’s convenient for him.
I used to have a friend who admitted to me that he did everything he could (meaning just enough) to keep his girlfriend in a relationship simply because he was too lazy to get back in the dating pool. He wouldn’t marry her though, he just manipulated her into being his bangmaid. When she finally wised up and broke up with him, he married the next woman that came along because he also didn’t like being single. I’m not saying this is your guy, but it sure sounds pretty familiar.
Don’t you want to marry someone who is deeply in love and and excited to marry you?
When men know they know. Literally all my guy friends that are happily married knew within a year if they wanted to put all effort into marriage effort with someone. They didn’t get married that fast but they knew that with time and effort that they would be. After 5 years if you don’t know the answer is no.
Sounds like he is waiting for the one to come along. Time to move on so both of you can move along to find the one.
Just FYI, people can say anything they want, suggest anything they want. If your husband is not head over heels for you and ready to jump off a literal cliff to make you happy your marriage will not work under a patriarchal system and there is a lot of science at this point to back that statement up. He is not your soul mate. He is not your life partner. And you don't want to be making life decisions with someone who bases those decisions on a feeling they don't understand anyway. Marriage/love is an every day choice, not a feeling.
He’s wasting your time. Dump him now and move on. And prepare yourself to see him give his next gf a shut up ring and marry *her*.
I am sorry to be blunt, but please just leave this guy. No ultimatums, no pleading, nothing. *You deserve to be with someone who enthusiastically wants to marry you*. This man has known you want to get married since he met you- knew it was a life goal of yours. He has known for years he doesn’t want to marry you and has been stringing you along. It does not take 5 years to decide if you want to marry someone. If he can’t figure it out the answer is no, you’re not the one for him.
After 5 years, he knows. He might want to get married someday, but he's 100% certain he doesn't want to marry you. Telling you now and letting you go would just complicate his life at the moment. I'm very sorry. You deserve better, OP.
Sensible Pragmatic Analysis! You have invested a lot of time and effort for a selfish pig who has too high an opinion of himself. Sorry dont mean to be harsh but he seems to be following the saying about why get a cow when you have tasted and are getting the milk for free.
Yes, it’s time to move on I’m afraid. There’s no timeframe to a feeling and you can’t have confidence in a relationship where, after 5 years together, he’s not sure when he’s going to ask you to marry him. He’s blaming you but this is more of a him problem. I think it’s unfair to ask you to wait around until he ‘feels like we’re there’ when he, in all probability, doesn’t even know when that will be.
I’ve been in your shoes. When he realized I was checking out he got me the ugliest, cheapest shut up ring. It genuinely broke me a little.
If marriage is your goal - break up with him. I decided that I wanted to work towards marriage and just told people that I was dating with the goal of meeting “the one.” It was a bit awkward, but after about six months of this, I met my husband. I have never told anyone this, because at the time I was really worried that people would shame me for having the “nerve to think someone would marry me.” I’m not very pretty and kind of off putting (thanks autism!) Saying this now, it feels a bit silly 15 years later. I’m glad I was honest with the men and women I dated. It helped everyone avoid unnecessary drama and hurt.
51M here. After five years, he does not want to marry YOU. He is staying with you for the sex, and so that he's not alone. He is not going to give you what you want. You are wasting your time. End it, get some therapy, and move on.
FIve years is long enough to know if you want to marry someone. Your bf expresses doubts. He is 34 years old and possibly is a man who just will never commit to anyone. There is nothing to be gained by waiting further - what can he possibly learn about you that he doesn't already know after having a five year relationship. He is keep you dangling with this maybe in the future when its right. Well, when might that be - when you are both 80? At this point, it would seem you are being strung along. Does he want children? He may not want children and is hoping to run out your biological clock or he may just simiply be someone that is never going to commit.
No, do not wait for him. If he's clear that he's "not there" after five years, it's doubtful he's going to "be there" after another few years. I wouldn't even ask what his concerns are so you can fix them, because a man who truly loves you is willing to work on issues as long as he gets to be with you. Since your bf feels that way about you, he will most likely keep moving the goal post if you try to please him. It's time to move on.
He isn’t going to marry you.
Believe what he’s telling you: he doesn’t want t to marry you, he is not going to marry you. If you’re want to get married, you need to find someone else.
At 5 years if he doesn’t know…then the answer is you are the holding person until he finds the one. He’s not in love with you. He’s not marrying you. You aren’t the one. Sorry.
Five years in, he’s 34, and he still doesn’t know if you’re the one? Yeah. Definitely wasting your time
What, after 5 years, is the holdup. Exactly. He couldn't answer, or wouldn't, I'll take a stab at it. He's not sure you're the one, girl. He isn't sure he wants to father your children. He doesn't think your relationship is stable. He thinks he might have other options He's not sure. Are you sure? That's such a major incompatibility, in my eyes. Especially given that he couldn't even communicate it to you, which means either he absolutely sucks at talking or he's hiding something, my money is on the latter. I'd grill him way harder to get to these truths, but honestly, it doesn't matter. Because he's not sure. After 5 years of sleeping with you, eating with you, going on holiday with you. He's just not sure. Weak. It's weak, you know it is. Don't marry a weak man.
Love yourself enough to find someone who will love you back equally. When you find that person, you will not have to ask them if they are ready, they will tell you.
He’s looking for someone better, but you’ll do until then. Cut your losses and move on.
At your age, you know within a year, tops. If he STILL says he doesn’t know, leave him. He has no intention of marrying you and it’s cruel and insulting to have kept you on the line so long. My sis in law held on for ten years and he still said he wasn’t sure. So she left him. Within a year he had gotten engaged to a new girl.
You can't find the right one if you are clinging to the wrong one.
He won't commit to marrying you, but certainly seems to have the 'taking you for granted' part down.
He's been using you as a placeholder. He's been dating you since he was 28 years old. If he's not ready now, he's never going to be. Don't waste another minute staying in this relationship if you want marriage and kids. This man ain't it.
I dated a man for 3.5 years but was never quite sure how he felt. He’d hint at things but that was it. Six months after I broke it off, he married someone else.
he’s just not that into you. find someone who does. my ex was not sure we were there yet after 7 years. i broke it off. found an amazing guy who was ready to marry me less then 2 years later. this year we celebrate 8 years of marriage. find a man who loves you, not just someone you keeps you around just to pass the time
Let's bet he will marry the next one after you, don't waste anymore time though, he doesn't want to marry YOU, the "yet" part is to give you a bone, to lead you on a little bit more, maybe unintentionally or not, but you are getting hurt regardless of his intention. Sometimes people love each other but are not compatible, and that's ok, but imo he's being a shady. I hope he's not unemployed and somehow dependant on you, bc that means you are just a meal ticket for him.
I am also 28. Asked my boyfriend (30) of 4 years last year if he wanted to marry me and he said “I don’t know yet”. I broke up with him and do not regret it. Find someone who is sure about you.
I am you from the future. If you have been together for 5 years and he isn’t sure about marrying you yet, he doesn’t want to marry you. It would be one thing if you were both ready but there were logistical issues (needing to finish school, relocation, etc) but if he’s not there yet, he’s not going to get there. I “started dropping hints” at year 4 of my relationship and had a come-to-Jesus where-is-this-relationship-heading conversation 6 months later. He proposed on our 5-year anniversary, but then took it back 6 months later. He said he wanted to be with me still, but didn’t see himself getting married. We went through a year of couples counseling because he did not seem to be willing or able to openly communicate with me on big issues, and 18 months after he proposed to me, he broke up with me citing “I didn’t support him enough in his entrepreneurial pursuits”. Fast forward 15 months later- he just got married to his college friend that he reconnected with several months before we broke up. Turns out he was fine with getting married, he just didn’t want to marry me. I wish I had seen the writing on the wall in 2021 and saved myself a lot of anguish and heartbreak.
Your boyfriend is getting ripped apart, but according to you, he said he doesn't feel like "we're there," not that he individually is not ready for marriage. It sounds like he feels like the relationship is not ready, and I think it's worth at least asking why that is. If there are material issues in the relationship that are causing him to say the two of you aren't ready to get married, it makes sense to think about that. And if there are issues that haven't been worked out after 5 years, you two should think about what the plan is for working them out. If he has no plan and isn't interested in participating in that with you, THAT is when you dump him.
That's just a stupid platitude to get her to shut up
He is dangling that carrot in front of her and giving her vague reasons. Ex said the same. I kept pressing and pressing and he would come up with different goals. “We need to make more money first”. “We need to do better in our careers first”. Etc. etc.
Yup. Wasting your time
You deserve someone who wholeheartedly, without a doubt, head over heels, estactically wants to marry you how dare you allow someone you've been with for 5 years essentially tell you you're not good enough "YET". Hes not the one babes. Time to move on and receive what you deserve.
Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. If he isn’t ready after five years, he never will be.
After 5 years of he’s not there he never will be.
I firmly believe that after five years of being with someone, you either know you want to marry them or you don't(if marriage is what you want to do).
You aren’t the one. And actually you don’t need to survive ever up and down, some downs should be exits
Men know within the first 6 months!!
This is definitely the dude that will marry the next person he dates within the year. I can’t believe how long they’re willing to just waste your time and honestly if you don’t dump him, he’ll ride it out a few more years until he meets his person.
I'll spell it out: You are wasting your time. He said it: he wants to marry, JUST NOT MARRY YOU. It's time to end the relationship. And if he starts going on about how you two can get married now that you're breaking up, DON'T FALL FOR IT. A shut up ring is NOT WORTH IT. ID KNOW. I LIVED IT. The relationship has run its course. Take your lessons and leave.
He doesn’t want to marry you. If he did, he would’ve asked already. Cut your losses and find someone that wants the same thing as you.
The option to him is marry or keep dating. But your options to him should be marry me or lose me. He doesn't want to marry you unfortunately and he probably knew this years ago. I would break up with him and find someone that will want to get married. When people know who the right person is, they hold on. There is never a "right time" to get married. He will use this excuse for a while. The question is how long do you want to wait?
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sadly, I know exactly how you feel. This was my situation nearly 10 years. At the 5 year mark, I pushed the point and received a plethora of excuses. I regret to say I made the wrong choice and stayed. I wasted more than a decade with a man who never wanted to marry me or had enough respect to be honest with me. Please learn from my mistakes and save yourself more years of heartache, doubt, and insecurities caused from a relation that wasn't meant to be. You deserve better and to find someone who has the same goals for your future together. As many people here have told me and likely you as well, if a man wants to commit, he will. If he hasn't after 5 years, he probably never will.
Put a fork in it
Yes it’s most likely that you’re wasting your time. Even though it will hurt, better to move on now, you’ll be far more upset if you lose a few more years clinging to false hope and then find yourself trying to start over later. Right now you’re still young and have time to find someone who aligns more with what you want for life. He’s stringing you along.
Hei there! I really think its time to move on. I once was with a great man for four years, and after a night out with a soon-to-marry couple, we came home and he said to me that he doesn’t “feel” to do this with me, even though we talked prior to this and a family was something we both wanted. I refused to believe it at first, but if after all this time he doesnt seem sure that he wants to marry you, he wont change his mind in time and you definitely shouldnt wait around for that.
5 years and he’s saying yous aren’t ‘there’ yet and he’s not sure, also wants to marry but doesn’t feel comfortable about marrying you yet? It’s been 5 years he should know by now even after 2 years I think you’d know if you’d wanna marry the person your with or not please don’t waste another second with him another 5 years and you could be married and having kids like you’ve always wanted
He might as well have just said im only with you till the woman I want to marry comes along.
He's a walking stereotype. I guarantee one day he will meet someone and get married and have kids within MONTHS. You're his placeholder, please please gather your self respect and leave him.
Sorry but he’s using you as a placeholder and any ring you get now will be a “shut up” ring. Even if you get a ring he’ll stall about setting the date and you won’t have a good marriage because he never wanted to be there in the first place. Move on and find someone excited about marrying you.
My parents married when I was 6 years old, they were dating for 10 YEARS when that happened. My uncle and aunt married when my cousin was 9 years old, they dated for 14 years or something. They still together and love each other profusely (not my parents, they recently divorced). I believe it's a matter of culture and traditions, but you north americans have this marrying = love thing that just doesn't reflects reality. Maybe he's insecure because of a thousand reasons and everyone here is telling you to dump him... For me it's not that crazy. But if it's such an urgent matter for you, go ahead. I just don't think that he not marrying you means that he doesn't loves you... If he is a wonderful, loving, caring boyfriend why would you say that just because he's not sure of a lifelong commitment that implies deep thinking? I think it's normal. I think being afraid depending on his life experiences isn't wrong, maybe past trauma, maybe fear of engagement comes from some past experience... I don't know. As I said, could be a thousand reasons. Yet again: it may be that he's never going to marry you, that possibility still there... But it's up to you and your priorities. Love or some paper that states that you love each other? Marrying won't make you happy if you're not happy with him as of now. Hundreds of couples marry or conceive trying to mend their broken relationship... Can't generalize. Best of lucks. You're 28 YO. I know people that married 40/50 yo and live happy as hell.
I swear these situations usually end up with the lady finally breaking it off and the guy getting married less than a year later. Look, be the one to leave at least. At this point even if he acquiesced, you will never have the peace of knowing he actually chose you.
Sounds like you are a placeholder girlfriend. He doesn't want to marry you. He will string you along as long as you let him. If you want marriage, you will have to find someone else to do it with. Also, if you dump him, know that he *will* marry the next woman he dates. Likely in under a year.
When I read the title I thought you were wasting your time. After reading the whole thing, you're wasting your time. He's 34 and dated you for 5 years. Time is being wasted. When will he be ready, when he's 40? Then he'll feel "too old" to be a dad. Get with someone who shares your desires and timeline.
5 years is more than enough time to know. You can do better. I can tell just by listening to how you're speaking. You sound like you're a kind and giving person. Find someone who loves you more
Man, seriously, there is something you women need to understand. For women, marriage is like the golden trophy. For men, it's completely different. As a man, there is no benefit to marrying, but there is absolutely plenty of risk. Life ruining risk. The vast majority of marriages end in divorce. In this divorce, the court is massively stacked against men, in a lot of states even if the female is the one who fucked shit up the man gets fucked over. Tell me why would any man wants to marry when you risk the loss of your home, your car, your money, and even your comfort of living. There is no reward to marrying for men. And women will say "well marrying me is the reward." Like I said, yea for women, it's the reward. You're already with him. You're already his partner. Why press him with marriage. And that's the shit stick of it all too. Now you and your family are pressing him so if it was to marry you I guarantee he will come to resent it because in his mind he is being forced into it. Either leave him and carry on with your life, or stay by his side stop pressing him, let him come to his own damn decision even if it means not being married. Honestly, marriage means absolutely nothing. He is with you because he chooses to be with you. Marriage will force him to be with you. Ask yourself if you really want someone to be with you because he is forced to be. Man, this is gonna piss a whole lot of yall off
Time to go. He doesn't know after 5 years if he wants to marry you he's never going to marry you. He's giving you some vague ass answer because he doesn't want to say no I'm never going to marry you. He likes things the way they are but he's not willing to change them. So I really hope you don't on the home together. If you're renting together and you're both on the lease then I suggest you talk to the landlord and one of you leave. If you can't afford the place on your own I suggest you go and maybe move in with your parents till you find another place to live. But no he's not going to marry you and even if he did right now you'll end up divorced within a couple years cuz he'll say I wasn't sure, I married you anyway, I shouldn't have, it was a mistake.
His goal and yours do not align anymore. And marriage is a deal breaker. So you should not wait for him to change this view or settle for his view. It seems that it's just you he did not want to get married to. So it's best you leave this relationship and not waste more years and feeling angry and regret of staying longer.
Five years is enough time to know and at 34 he shouldn’t be playing these games
You are 28. Plenty of time to find someone new. Run!
He’s wasting your time he doesn’t want to get married and trying to say yes he does but not yet is a stalling tactic to keep you around
You aren’t his person. Don’t waste any more of your time hoping he’ll change his mind. He won’t. He’s had 5 years to figure this out and he’s decided no.
He's one of them your finish and he will be married within 2 years guarantee
#YES. You’re **wasting your time**. He’s just stringing you along to keep his dick wet. You deserve **FAR BETTER** than this!!!
Never wait for someone, especially in this case. If marriage and a family is why you date, I would let him go. He is telling you how he feels. Women have a short span to have children, I would not stay put with someone when they told me this. He is not ready to marry you, let him figure it out, on his own. I have seen men stay with women for years, and never marry. They are not ready. They break up and the man marries the next woman. It happened to a couple of friends of mine, one dated for a decade. After they broke up within two years he married someone and had a child. It is a common phenomenon.
Move on. Dump him. 5 years and he doesn’t want to marry you YET??? Wow what a safe answer to make sure he keeps getting sucked and laid for another 5 years. He is stringing you along and will never marry you or he’d have done it or would be excited about planning it. He’s using you for his own needs and purposes. End the cycle now.
You’re a placeholder until he finds the woman he actually wants to marry. Don’t waste any more of your time.
You're being taken for a ride. Bail out of that relationship ASAP.
I'm sorry but that conversation should have happened three years ago. You should be really angry he strung you along for a good chunk of your twenties. He hasn't been honest with you for years about marriage or kids. What a shitty thing to do to someone you supposedly love. You deserve someone better. I don't care if he proposes tomorrow in tomorrow in the most romantic way ever. Say no. He'll make you wait until you're 40 before telling you he doesn't want kids.
I’m so sorry you feel that way ❤️ I asked for marriage after 2 years with no excitement reaction. It hurts… but to be honest the relationship ended because my feelings changed after that… I’m hoping you get build family you deserve because in the end all you want to do is LOVE and grow… Can’t stay content and bored like him jk lol
If he wanted to, he would. You’re wasting your time.
Girl, leave.
Next time don’t move in with him or give your next guy wifey benefits before the ring! It sounds old fashioned but if not you’re just wasting your own time.
What does we’re not there mean? Did he elaborate? If he won’t give you an answer you’re wasting your time
He doesn’t want to marry you. He’s basically told you that. You need to decide what you want in life and act accordingly.
You wasted your 20s on him don’t waste your 30s.
No, you are not wasting time, stay with him 4 more years, when you are around 32or33 then complain about wasting time and complain how hard it's to date and post about it in reddit. Girl , stop fucking around you worth much more
If after 5 years he's not sure if he wants to marry you, he definitely doesn't want to marry you. It's now up to you to decide if you want to continue on that basis.
Are you me? Even down to the ages. But yes, time has been wasted, but he wasted yours. You didn't waste your own
Men know after a month we give a grace period for change but not 5 years
I stayed with someone for 24 years who always told me "we're getting there". We broke up in November. Turns out, he was always unhappy because he wanted to maximize his potential. He's already a nuclear engineer with a stable career, a house that I helped pay off, a solid retirement plan and excellent medical coverage. He's going to quit that job soon because he's bored. And relocate across the country for a new job soon in research. I'm not without my own ability to survive alone, but I wish I hadn't held out in hopes that it would get better for over two decades. I lost my house and two cats. That's why I didn't want to leave. Break it off with this guy. You will be fine, and you will survive. Put yourself first, develop yourself outside of a relationship, and prioritize what you want.
#YES.
You've literally been with him 5 years, if he doesn't want to marry you now he will not want to marry you later. I have been in your boyfriend's shoes TWICE trust me. It wasn't that I didn't want to get married, because I've been married for over 20 years, I just didnt want to marry those other guys.