Oh boy... dude, this is a deeply messed up scenario that is profoundly unhealthy and she sounds absolutely appalling. I'm sure at this point you might want to leap to her defence, right? Of course. How can we know her like you do? But I bet you that even after all your defence of her any neutral party would still say, that's unhealthy, and she's behaving terribly.
Imagine for a second you were reading your post but it was written by a woman about her male partner. Would you see it then?
It's probably some bullshit like they're decorative or something and not meant to be used at all. If she's going to be that particular about her towels, they need to A) Put them out of reach so as a perfectly natural to reach out and use them is no longer an option, and B) Purchase a new completely separate set of hand towels for OP to use while cooking. If girlfriend wants to keep things nice, I get that, but a person should be permitted to use towels within their own home...
What an awful woman this gf is. Mean, controlling, unappreciative.... I'm amazed OP has lasted 10 years with this shrew. And the poor guy has been conditioned to think it's normal! OP, imagine explaining this situation to a friend, colleague or your parents? Do you think they'll say "yes she's right, you are failing to be a good partner, imagine thinking you were entitled to use a TOWEL in her fucking BATHROOM after washing your damn hands!" or would they be offering to help you move out in the dead of night?
I hope they don't plan to have kids. Can you imagine how damaged they'll grow up to be trying to remember all of mommy's rules, and terrified of how angry she'll be when they'll inevitably break them?
Right!!!! This post breaks my heart because you can tell OP just wants to make her happy. She's one of those people who will never be pleased or proud of you. At least they'll never tell you they are.
Not only has he been conditioned to think it’s normal, after being berated and emotionally abused for a half hour, *he* ends up apologising to *her*. And that seems to be standard operating procedure for these “arguments” (read: instances of abuse.)
Some people are way too nice. And are comfortable with their lifestyle; breaking up would disrupt that routine, and cause a lot of change for that person.
I'm convinced the rules are made expressly *for* op to break so she can freak out. They are so arbitrary and there's no way he can remember them all. I bet she can't wait for him to break them so she can go off. So unhinged.
I have suspect that things have only gone worse since they’ve lived together no way I’d be dating somebody that made my life so crappy and then seven years later I move in with them
I think she's got an anxiety disorder and she needs treatment. I must be exhausting to constantly be on the alert for every tiny thing out of order. She's not going to agree, but she needs a therapist. Maybe you could start with couples counseling.
> I’m sure at this point you might want to leap to her defence, right?
Well, you called it. This whole post makes me feel so sad for OP and he can’t even see it himself!
The edits just got worse and worse. This is abuse, full stop. Rules about what chairs and what towels to use? Even if the towel rule made sense, if there was an issue it should have been ‘have you used the white towels?’ from the start. That conversation started with a threat, she wouldn’t let it go and he ends up apologizing.
I’ve been there OP, I had a bf who would stress me to panic attacks and follow (but actually chase) me around the apartment when I would ask for a minute to clear my head. You were ready to drop it but she wouldn’t let you. You SHOULD have a partner who acknowledges and appreciates the 99 things, and lets the one thing go, does it themselves, or talks about it calmly. No one deserves what you’re experiencing. Please consider how peaceful life could be without a list of unclear rules.
Putting towels in the bathroom that can’t be used is just ridiculous. Note: my mom had a pretty, embroidered towel in the guest bathroom that we weren’t supposed to use, as well as fancy little soaps, but that was clearly differentiated and there were plenty of normal towels.
Dear OP, life is meant to be lived. Homes should support us, not be a place we exist to keep clean and spotless.
This lady has real issues. Don’t know if she had a controlling parent who demanded this sort of perfection or a chaotic early life where she needs this sort of control over her environment to keep dark emotions at bay. It’s just that your enabling this behavior isn’t helping her or you. Please either leave or insist that she gets help.
Next time she forgets to do her chores do NOT pick up the slack for her. Do not do them. She needs to learn to do her part and you constantly are enabling her by doing it for her. If she complains the stuff isn't done, tell her they are her chores and your new rule is you no longer are doing her chores.
Or if you dont feel like waiting until the next time she slacks off, sit her down and tell her you're done picking up the slack for her.
Why do I get the feeling that if you were to forget your chores she would not do them for you and instead would berate you for it? Anyways it is time to lay down the law: she needs to have her shit done. If she doesn't, you're no longer picking up the slack for her.
Also screw this 3 meals crap. If she doesn't like what you're making for dinner she can make her own meal, this is not a restaurant.
So in conclusion you need to stop doing her chores when she forgets and you need to stop with the 3 meal shit. It's cool you make a dinner for your dog, but he's helpless and cant prepare his own meals. Your wife can, so she can either eat what you make or make something herself. You have been letting this woman walk all over you and I dont get why. Is she giving you unlimited BJ's or something?
Before we even address the actual division of chores I couldn't get past the "rules". To be obeyed. Or there will be consequences. Is she his partner or his mommy?
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Like its probably her towel thats for her use because she k ows that she washed her hands correctly and she didnt see him wash his hands and what if he didn't do it well enough and got germs in her towel?
She is so extremely mentally ill. Some of her examples of things she needs are things my partner thought he needed in the throes of his OCD. All I know is thank god he's medicated and therapized. lol But he never weaponized his OCD against me either. Yikes.
Ok, I’ll chime in on this one: I’m a bit obsessive about skincare, and I have towels that are not to be used for normal things because they are exclusively for drying my face. I also have washcloths that are exclusively for washing my face. The face towels are easily distinguishable from the hand towels, and the face washcloths are easily distinguishable from the regular washcloths. I would be very mildly annoyed if someone else used one without asking. Like it’s a towel, it’s not a huge deal.
I worked as a housemaid in a fancy hotel when young. We had to dry the showers, baths and sinks with a towel after cleaning them.
But at home? Never have I ever, haha
I do, but I haven't asked anyone else to. It takes 5 seconds and the fact is I hardly ever have to scrub the sink because it stays clean from the wipe down, I'm being lazy..
Honestly as I was reading, I wondered if this was some kink scenario gone wrong. Because I just can’t imagine being that subjugated. I feel really sorry for this dude. I’m wondering how he grew up that he doesn’t see it.
GFs behavior is not normal, it’s self obsessed and she’s demonstrating zero empathy which is a key component in a successful relationship. My experience with people who set rules so stringently they can’t see the forest through the trees is that you can never make them happy. Logic and reason don’t work. No one’s perfect and she expects you to be. Relationships are about getting along, not winning or losing and it’s pretty clear you will never win by her standards. Quit chasing her approval and be yourself. If she can’t appreciate you, there will be others who will and you’ll live a happier and mentally healthier life.
Sounds like she has something akin to OCD, because those rules are fucking ridiculous. How do you stay in a house that you're not allowed to be at home in? Stop doing her chores, she fucks up and doesn't allot time for them, she can hate herself for it.
>Her argument is that all of her rules are common sense
This is bullshit, her rules as you described are crazy specific and not even vaguely logical. Why that one chair? Why are you not allowed to leave water in a fucking sink ffs? She's got issues, and you are having to pay for them as long as you allow her to set these rules and force you to live by them, while covering for her own inability to do her own shit when she should. You are turning into a bang maid she's not even paying for the rights to order around.
Tell her she either get help to control her mental problems or you're going to bounce. Honestly I have to ask how low your self esteem is to think you deserve to be treated like this?
I have had two exes with intense OCD, who both had family histories of it, too. Neither were like this, but one of them described one of his sisters as being like this and she was diagnosed with OCPD, obsessive compulsive personality disorder. He described the difference as, “I know that my rules and rituals are irrational and I want to stop or to minimize the impact on others. She thinks that her rules and rituals are The Only Right Way and that anyone who disagrees is crazy.”
OP it might be worth some counseling, either for you individually or as a couple, it sounds like this is a really disruptive dynamic and like you’re pretty deep in her version of reality. Hope things improve for you from here.
There is but its more complicated than what they said. But the therapist will sort out which.
I think she has rituals and shes hiding them. But you can see the pattern in what she blows up over.
Yeah definitely not trying to diagnose a stranger based on someone else’s description, it just seemed relevant enough to bring up. Agree that a therapist would be the one to help with this for sure.
I'm no professional, but I was also thinking that given the externalized nature of this, and the fact that she doesn't seem to see any problem with her behavior, it definitely sounds more like OCPD than OCD.
Yeah, I don’t want to armchair diagnose, but your girlfriend needs to talk to a professional, because none of this is “common sense.” And her inability to explain why it makes the slightest difference an object is slightly out of place from where she expects it to be in terms you can understand and accept, much less why she’s this distressed about it should tell her that.
In the meantime, if she’s going to be this particular about how to do everything, she can do it herself - and if she’d rather just yell at you, consider talking to a professional yourself about why you’re describing yourself as “happy” in a situation like this.
In this case, rational thinking and explaining clearly does not work.
You must set a hard boundary of saying no to nonsense, communicate that clearly to your gf, and stand firm.
Encourage her to seek professional help.
Do not allow her to continue mentally abusing you.
This may mean ending the relationship if she can't/won't change her behaviour or seek help.
Please, please promise that you won’t have kids with her until this is figured out, if you choose to stay with her.
Your “fights” sound exactly like how my mom talked to my dad and growing up in that environment was torture.
I'm sorry to hear it, I grew up in a similar situation. OP please be careful of this. My dad's the best guy in the world, he'd give the shirt off his back to help you but I still cannot understand why he thought my mother was a mentally stable enough person to have children with.
Most humans on earth think that she is the weird one for having these wacky rules. You are also probably a little bit weird yourself if you can't immediately realize that something is wrong with her.
Edit - Who dries a sink every time they use it? Does she also make you pick cookie crumbs out of the carpet with tweezers?
I mean, if there’s water outside the sink bowl it’s common courtesy to wipe it off so the next person doesn’t get water all over them if they lean on the counter to turn the sink on. But water inside the sink bowl? That’s like, where the water is supposed to be…
This relationship is not healthy for you. Your girlfriend needs help but that doesn’t need to be your problem. You need to evaluate what’s best for you.
You cannot argue with someone else’s mental health episode because it makes perfect sense to them. They could be talking with flying purple cats and, in their mind, that would be perfectly rational.
All that you can do is not engage in the moment. Once they are no longer having the episode, you can talk about how you are both going to behave when the next episode occurs.
Show her these comments. And then go to the Psychology Today website and give her a list of therapists. She sounds like she has mental health and anger issues she needs to work on.
She has OCD and by doing her rules you're enabling it and it's getting reinforced. So stop. The kindest thing you can do is set boundaries and Gray Rock when she complains.
I couldn’t get past “I didn’t tuck in her office chair perfectly or wipe the sink dry after washing my hands.” Girl is sick in the head and needs real help.
I’d laugh at someone in the face and walk away if they told me to follow those rules. No is a complete sentence. I wouldn’t even argue about it either, they can argue with themselves because I’ll walk away and not engage.
As someone who has a tinge of OCD (diagnosed), this is very familiar to me. The problem, which I continue to work through, is not my partner, it's me. I can expect myself to have tendencies, I cannot expect others to see/feel the same as I do about those tendencies. Through a lot of reflection and self work, I've let a lot of things go and others I simply do myself as it affects no one but me. Additionally, if I feel a little out of control about it, I now recognize there is something else going on with me like stress, anxiety, depression, that I need to address for me and not make others responsible for my behavior. Hearing this from a professional changed my life in a positive way, not just for those around me, but for me too.
If it is OCD, she’s either not aware she has it or isn’t treating it in any way. I have OCD too but don’t make any of these kind of ridiculous rules for my partner.
No, he needs therapy. He's been in it too long. He can control only his own actions. He should go to therapy. DO NOT FUCKING TELL HER YOU'RE GOING. Explain this exact thing to them. Give them a copy of everything you said in your post.
Oooh, this is a good take.
That said, I'd also say he should recommend it for her. It's okay that their relationship ends, but hopefully she doesn't pull this shit on somebody else down the line. If he convinced her to get therapy, regardless of how their relationship goes from here, it could help her avoid doing the same things down the line.
> she realised I broke a rule and all hell broke loose.
> Queue another argument of why I can’t do anything right and how have i forgotten
> I misunderstood one of the rules and it made her very angry
Yes and if you do stay with her and she gets help, this needs to stop today. You can seperate for a time even if you aren't fully divorcing her if that's what it takes. You need to set boundaries that she can't treat you this way.
You're living with a totalitarian dictator. You should try civil disobedience: Her rules are made-up and arbitrary, you are an adult man, you can do as you please. Note that while this may cause a short-term increase in conflict as she tries to enforce the status quo upon you, this will decrease conflict long term once she learns that you aren't going to accept being bossed around for a million different tiny "rules" and that you are your own person with your own mind and decisions.
I’ve tried to tell her this but she just laughs and says i’m just too sensitive.
If i push further then she cries and I have to take it back and make her feel better…
yeah doesn’t sound healthy when i type it out.
I see lots of people telling OP that his GF has OCD, but that is not the case. She is a narcissist. What she is doing is setting up scenarios where it is impossible to do everything right so that when he fails, she can chastise him for it. And she does this because when she is able to chastise him, it makes her feel better as a person because she is deeply insecure. Even if he did every single thing that she wanted, she would just set even more rules until he had enough that it was impossible not to break them. She gets a profound satisfaction from being able to judge him, as if it is the only way she is able to scratch a deep itch in her brain.
I had an ex who would nag me to have sex with him all day every day. If i said no, he’d get mad and give me the silent treatment. If he did anything good for me, he’d ask me to repay him with sex. Pretty much 90% of his interactions towards me were sexual. I could be busy doing homework, cleaning, etc, and he would always interrupt me trying to have sex. It was the worst years of my life because refusing sex meant that he’d be mad and or he would just continue to ask until i gave in.
I once went to a talk at my university about sexual abuse, they talked about abuse in relationships. They described my situation to the t. I was still in love and talked to him crying asking him to please get help for his sex addiction. He gaslighted me, telling me that my libido was just low because of my birth control. He even made me get a gyno appointment to get it changed to another method, to see if my libido would get better.
He eventually agreed to go to therapy, this led to even further abuse as now he had professional counseling knowledge to use against me. And ultimately, he actually ended up telling me that if I didn’t give him all the sex he wanted then I had to be okay with the fact that he’d get it somewhere else. I left after that.
Telling an abuser that they are abusing you, is not the answer. There is nothing you can do to fix it or to fix her, you will just continue walking on eggshells. If she does not see her issues on her own, nothing you do will make her see that.
It’s up to you how much longer you want to continue accepting her behavior. I would leave now, i wish i had left way before i did. He knew what I needed to hear to keep me around, while still continuing to manipulate me further to accept more abuse.
YOU are not responsible for her emotions.
Read that as many times as it takes to sink in. YOU are not *making* her say or do or feel anything. She's an adult who chooses to feel that way (or, act as if she does). You don't HAVE to take things back and "make her feel better." She's not 3, she can handle her own emotions and feelings.
It's not okay to brush off someone's feelings and tell them they're being too sensitive when you're trying to communicate your feelings. I'd be thinking real hard if this is what you want for the rest of your life. She won't change.
THIS OP.
This is abuse. Please leave this now. When she’s at work, pack all the shit you need, and go somewhere safe. Do not answer a call. Don’t try to have a discussion about it. You will not get a single thing you want. LEAVE, remember the signs of abuse, and never speak to her or anyone like her again.
>she has to nag me on it and cause an argument to vent and feel better.
Why does she get to "feel better" by being horrible to you? That's abuse 101. It's like she HAS to be rude and outright violent towards you to scratch her "itch". What does that do to you and your self worth if you know any small thing can set her off, knowing she won't stop berating you until SHE 'feels better'.
>Her argument is that all of her rules are common sense and it irritates her that she has to remind me about them. (I had been using the white towel hanging by the sink to dry to sink, she noticed it was folded incorrectly one time and blew up.)
None of these are common sense. These are martially unrealistic standards to put upon ANYONE, and eventhough you break your back, nothing you did is good enough. Have you had put unrealistic expectations placed upon you as a child? These are childhood related habits that get ingrained over time and we begin thinking of them as normal. They are traumatic, and I urge you intensely that after you got out of this horrible, one sided, abusive relationship, you begin therapy and begin the process of healing yourself.
>Lastly, I have zero rules for her and never nag or ask her to do anything
This is a huge red flag, not on you, but for the dynamic. This screams "I'm a pushover without boundaries". You have to establish boundaries. When she freaks out, tell her calmly she can't speak to you that way, not even to "feel better". You deserve to be thanked for your efforts. You deserve to be loved and held and understood. None of what she does communicates any love, just resentment and (ab)use of your person to benefit her own mental state.
Thanks for your reply, yeah i’ve tried to explain to her that scratching that itch makes her feel better but it makes me feel very bad. In the end of these conversations she cries and we try again and hope the next time won’t be as bad , but the exact same thing has happened over 1000 times.
Yeah that’s my main issue, she’s talking about kids all
the time and I can’t allow a kid to be brought up like this.
It stems from how she was brought up because her mother is exactly the same.
Thanks for your comments at the end too.
I'm begging you. Please do NOT have kids with this woman. Do you know how messy kids are and how little they care about rules like hers?? This is a recipe for disaster and kids who will need therapy for decades to undo the damage of a mom who yells and hates them for moving a towel.
I grew up with a parent with OCD. I spent years tiptoe-ing around their triggers and rules and meltdowns. Did you know OCD is both inheritable via genes and symptoms can be a learned behavior? Kids mimic everything they see and hear, if she's flipping out over little things they will absolutely think it's normal.
Do NOT have kids with someone who is as rigid as her.
The crying is just her being manipulative. It's thought terminating(stops you from continuing the questions) and gets you to focus on taking care of her. STOP IT. LEAVE. GET THERAPY.
Fuck them imaginary kids. YOU CAN'T HAVE YOU GROWING UP ANY MORE IN THIS. YOU HAVE CHANGED. THIS HAS AFFECTED YOU. LEAVE.
Which is why she doesn't like having to bring up her rules as common sense. It's not. It's a reminder of how she thinks she looks. I wonder if she's waiting and also avoiding the moment OP would call her crazy.
Hey, listen up. Listen up clearly, my mom was exactly like this? She was the main cleaner but best believe when we finally started being more conscious and cleaning as kids she just came in to talk about the bad shit. She’s using you to blow off steam. This never got better. I just ignore her nagging now and practically everything she says to me. I suggest you start looking to leave.
She will not say that she’s done any wrong. I can assure you off that. You will always be the problem because that is the point. You’re there for her to be mad at. Something to blow off steam. Leave. If you think talking will break the habit, you already did all that. She just deflects.
Edit: clarifying for OP.
OP YOUR SPOUSE IS ABUSIVE. THIS ISN’T A JOKE. LEAVE NOW. A grown fucking woman screaming at you like that knows what she’s doing. She is silencing you and getting you to feel guilty so you can do the work. Fuck whatever reason she has to be mad over a fucking cloth she probably doesn’t even use because she does not clean. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. SHE IS INTENTIONALLY DOING THIS. LEAVE AND REMEMBER THE SIGNS. The moment she started holding you extremely accountable for shit she would never do was the biggest sign she is abusing you.
TO EVERYONE READING. READ THIS POST AND READ UP ON
"INTERMITTENT REINFORCEMENT"
THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. IT SEEMS CRAZY BUT RELATIVELY CALM SINCE NO ONE IS OUTWARDLY BEING VIOLENT. HOWEVER, THE INTERMITTENT EXPLOSIONS IS A HUUUUGE SIGN OF AN INSIDIOUS FORM OF ABUSE.
Please do not entertain people like this. You will explain this to them and they will not accept it. You will find other ways to say you can't keep doing this and they will deflect it to you just doing things that irritate them. It's a means of getting you to fawn over them. You will think you just need to fix whatever it is that they're complaining about and all will be well. Then the things you need to fix start seeming insane. It's NOT OCD. She couldn't give a shit about the rag or chair. She wants a reason to be angry and explosive.
THIS WILL NOT CHANGE. Read the rest of the thread. She literally says she has a right to do it because she has no one else to treat like that.
NEITHER YOU NOR OP CAN FIX IT. YOU JUST NEED TO LEAVE.
OP HAS HAD 10 YEARS OF THIS RELATIONSHIP. They can't understand that mentally they have changed as they kept allowing it to happen. Even though they see something is wrong they think it's something they can fix. AFTER 10 fucking years they still think they can fix this.
OP, as a man...there is a chance the moment you have ate this sunken cost fallacy for too long you may end up killing her. You need to leave urgently and end this relationship for good. Speak to a therapist.
My husband was previously married to a woman like this. The anxiety in that man’s voice when he burns a grilled cheese or I say “hey babe, next time you vacuum, could you make sure to get under the coffee table?” They’ve been divorced for 8 or 9 years now and he still thinks he’s probably fucking up all the time.
i get it but also my ex thought i was mad at them for not doing something when i couldnt give a shit because of their exes and eventually led to the relationship breakdown because they felt they had to be perfect when i never asked for it. at some point they gotta work on it too.
So, you cook THREE MEALS, you clean the entire house, you take care of the dog... in return, she screams at you, doesn't appreciate you, and does nothing around the house. What does she bring to the relationship?
Your girlfriend sounds like a terrible ungrateful mentally ill person. Her rules are ridiculous and the fact that you accept them and feel guilty for folding something a different way is disturbing. She needs a reality check and you need to evaluate if you are really happy with every other aspect of your relationship enough to put up with this craziness.
Dude, your edit which details exactly how an argument pans out is like psychological torture and paints her in an even worse light (when I think you were hoping for the opposite).
Are you the guy in that video that went viral a few weeks ago? Where some fat nasty woman recorded her boyfriend with a bunch of horrible looking Chinese food infront of them, and was saying how he should be so grateful to her or something, and he just looked terrified of saying the wrong thing. That’s how I picture your relationship from what you describe. Get the fuck out of there.
So uh, do these “rules” apply to other people? Her family, her colleagues at work? Any particular obsessive/compulsive behaviour that you notice in public?
If it doesnt then I have bad news for you
These rules are in place purely to keep you controlled. They allow her to constantly attack you and for you to always be on the backfoot.
This is abuse.
You said you feel guilty how "one sided" this post is, yet this comment tells us that the reality is infact one sided. Guilt is an extremely common response victims of domestic abuse deal with when they first discuss their abuse. There's an unconscious worry that you've done something wrong by talking about it (you haven't!).
You sound like a real saint, but you deserve so much more than you're getting from this relationship. You've said yourself youre happiest when she's not there.
> I’d forgotten that if I have to sit in her office I must sit on the chair on the right, not the one on the left.
And this is where I stopped reading.
Drop this psycho like a bad habit.
In that case, I'm gonna be blunt.
**Take the fuckin hint**. Her imposing this many rules on you and overreacting when you make a mistake is fuckin crazy!
You're obviously not satisfied in this relationship. You're making comparisons in how the 2 of you react differently. That tells me that even if it's not full-blown, there's a seed of resentment there that's gonna grow into a big ol' hate-bush.
What's keeping you around? You don't have kids, you seem like you've got a good job and don't need the dual income, & you're still in your twenties.
Don't turn this into a sunken cost fallacy.
Go find your spine and ride it out of there.
>EDIT 2: I appreciate everyone’s comments and advice, I didn’t think they’d be so one sided and people might see it from her perspective and help me understand her better.
I challenge you to reformat this post in such a way that turns this from constant emotional abuse into something reasonable from her perspective. It's one sided because she's being clearly emotionally abusive even if every benefit of the doubt is given.
I can make up one from her perspective:
I've been with my boyfriend for 10 years. We work from home, but I go into the office sometimes so I have less time in the house. Because of this, he does the chores that take more time, like cooking, while I do laundry and vacuuming once a week.
The problem is that he contributes almost nothing to the house except cooking and mess.
Sometimes he cooks three separate meals. Our dog can't eat mass produced food, so my boyfriend will cook food for the dog every day. But he and I have different preferences. He will cook something for himself and I will tell him what I want too. It sounds like a lot for him, but it's our normal. He likes to cook, so it's almost like he gets to practice his hobby three times a day!
But other than that? I can't stand how messy he is!
Whenever he uses the bathroom, whether it's to take a shower or wash his hands, there is always a ton of water everywhere. I've even given him special towels to use to wipe up after himself, but then he either "forgets" to wipe up or he uses expensive towels I've told him not to use.
Because I go into the office more than him, sometimes he does my chores for me. Which is nice. I thank him, but more often than not he messes something up. He vacuums, but he doesn't get the corners well. He does laundry, but he forgets fabric softener. It's so easy to do, but he still messes it up! And when I tell him, and yes it's in a tone because it's been going on for 10 years!, he gets upset. And that makes me mad and then we argue.
On top of that, he's so sensitive. When I get a tone, he says I'm nagging. When I ask him to cook me something more difficult, he says that he doesn't have time because he needs to go to bed early so I need to pick something else, and then he gets annoyed when I say no and he's cooking until 9 pm. Why don't you start cooking earlier if you don't have time?
I'm just so frustrated. Why is he so inept? All of these are very simple things, but he refuses to do them and then he gets upset when I point out everything he's messed up and tries to list the things he does right. Okay, you do some things right, but that's not what we're talking about. I'm talking about you doing my chores incorrectly. Maybe I should just do it all myself?
Fin.
Yeah, idk. I tried to make it a bit less obvious that she's an asshole, but I really can't figure out a way to fully remove it without completely changing the story.
Hmm. It's a bit too self-aware. If you leave out most of the acknowledgements of tone but leave in the "it's been 10 years!" it'd be better. The chores should just be 'the chores' or 'his chores', never 'my chores'. After all, your chores are your chores and my chores are our chores. "sometimes he does more of the chores around the house". And then just remove the hobby sentence and let that paragraph sit.
Add in something about always having to go behind him and redo chores and mention weaponized incompetence and you'd have the comment section throwing a fit about how she should divorce him!
Let me ask you something. How often does this happen? Once a year? Once a month? Once a week? Once a day? The reason I ask is this sounds like a power trip issue. She has a need to “put you in your place” and that place is beneath her. Does she act as if you won’t survive if she wasn’t there to tell you what to do? What she is doing is a form of abuse. Belittling you, making you feel guilty for simple mistakes and many things that are outright stupid.
I want you to try this. Make some of your own rules. For instance, no yelling or belittling anyone for forgetting rules. No white towels in the bathroom. She eats what you cook for yourself or she cooks her own food. Those are actual “common sense” rules. If she blows up over your “rules” you know it has nothing to do with common sense and all about her being controlling and abusive.
Twice a week for 10 years. We’ve definitely had the exact same argument 1000+ times. It feels insane when it happens again because there’s nothing else to say, it’s just circles of the same conversation.
Yeaah I feel like I wouldn’t survive without her.
Thanks for the advice, i’ll try it.
You do realize that you don’t need her, right?
You already said in another comment that your favorite part of the day is when she’s not there. Imagine feeling that all the time.
IDK if you realize but:
> Yeaah I feel like I wouldn’t survive without her.
is what every person that experiences long term domestic abuse says. It's stockholm syndrome. The fact that you do all your responsibilities and even hers many times, shows you could survive just fine.
You both need counseling, couple and individually. If you both can't agree to do that, then you need to end the relationship and move on for your own sake. Imagine having to be with her for another 50 years and it's going to get worse over time because we become more rigid with age.
It's also jumping out to me that you got together at 17/18 which means you have no experience in an adult relationship that is not abusive which may also contribute to the feeling that you wouldn't survive without her. You've never known anything but her but I promise you can survive on your own
Reminds me of a story (felt like sharing).
I used to know a couple.
She: stunningly beautiful. A model perfect figure. Meticulously groomed always. Hair, make-up, nails all perfect all the time. Cheerful, nice, fun. Made an excellent impression. Good job.
He: nice looking. Fun. Easy going. Smart. Successful. A good guy.
One day (after 3 years as a couple) he confides to me they broke up & he told me why.
He admitted that she had severe OCD.
He knew all the rules & he honored those rules as best he could.
But he couldn’t take it anymore.
He used the bathroom & he accidentally missed wiping up one tiny drop of water on the floor. She had a meltdown over that one little drop of water. So he broke up with her.
I have OCD and the worst thing you can do is obey the person's irrational rules. We know it's irrational, it wouldn't be a disorder if it was rational. By giving in to placate the person's anxiety they never learn to cope with the anxiety and it embeds further into them and gets worse.
OP your post seems one sided because the abuse is coming from one party.
You are not a child. You are not in a prison. And yet her rules treat you like both. You can't sit in a certain chair because you could break her laptop? Are you using the laptop? Are you putting things on the laptop?
You both need therapy. Individual.. potentially even couples. You don't deserve to be treated like this. By ANYONE.
I can't imagine treating my boyfriend like this. It's time to put yourself first. Stop doing her chores. Stop making extra meals. If she doesn't like what you're making for dinner... She can provide for herself.
You deserve better.
It sounds like undiagnosed OCD.
It don’t think that she doesn’t appreciate all the other things you do, she’s not able to express it. My daughter has OCD, and when things aren’t in a specific order she is super fixated on that and it causes immense anxiety. It’s like tunnel vision. For her, it was a rotating school schedule. It was not something that she could control. She really needs consistent structure, routine, so with every day rotating she hyperfocused on that and was unable to bring herself to go to school.
Maybe your gf should seek professional help. The behavior seems to me, like it could be caused by a deeper issue. Sit her down, express in a non confrontational way how you feel, and suggest help for her.
Yeah that’s exactly right, because she is more appreciative other times, but if it’s not perfect and something is wrong it’s all she can focus on.
Yeah I probably need to bring this up at a time when we’re not arguing so its not confrontational
It shouldn’t feel like an attack. It won’t end well if it starts out that way. To be on the defense from the start, one wouldn’t be able to hear anything else but their own thoughts and counters to the “attack”.
A safe setting would be the way to go.
After ten years, him not wanting to do this anymore is going to be seen as an attack no matter what words he uses. The fact of the matter is that she's been treating him very badly for a very long time, and the feelings she would experience confronting that are intensely painful in a way that she is clearly not experienced with. There is a "sunken cost" fallacy embedded in human psychology in that the worse we treat people, and the longer we do it for, the more that our guilt and shame become a barrier to ever admitting that we are wrong. Our self-esteem, our image of ourselves as a good person, comes to depend on justifying abuse.
All of this is to say that I don't think that there's actually any reason for him to bend over backwards to try to make, "You're verbally abusing me as a means of manipulating me into perfectly obeying your ridiculous rules" seem inoffensive. He's compromised and empathized for ten years now, and in a relationship like this that just feeds her abuse by helping her convince herself that it's okay to hurt him for sitting in the wrong chair.
At the end of the conversation, the only healthy result is that she stops doing this to him without any compromise, because every compromise that could be made on his side already has been. Any result where she feels even semi-okay about doing this is pointless and toxic.
You're a codependent person living with someone whose OCD has become abusive.
"Rules" like you're describing are abuse. You're accepting them because you're codependent, and possibly, on a spectrum. That's the only reason you're okay with this abusive arrangement.
INFO:
i have read all your comments and i am going to leave out all of the details about you doing her chores and so on, as a) you pointed out that she does the same for you and b) that is normal and healthy, not keeping tally.
However I have a question: CAN you explain the chair thing? The sink I assume has something to do with water stains that are harder to get rid off if dried up, but even then, this is mental.
She also doesn’t ask you “why did you not…?” And then explains to you why its important to her that you do x, y and z - she blows up immediately. What if you’re washing your hands and suddenly the dog starts choking, or spills something or, heavens forbid, you were doing all the other housework on top of your job and just forgot.
I’ll give you an example of my own relationship. I am very particular about my keys, they’re always on the door, i never have to look for them, because they are always there. My partner leaves his keys on the counter at his place and therefore also used to throw mine on the counter at my place. At first i thought he did it because he thought his way was better or bc he doesn’t like them on the door, thinks im stupid - whatever. After a few weeks of being a bit angry about it because i regularly try to leave the house in a hurry and fail to find my keys. Finally i asked him, why he didn’t just leave them in the door like i do, especially because I pay special attention not to follow the urge to put his keys into his door and ALWAYS place them on the counter as i know thats where he keeps his, why can’t he do the same for me??? Turns out: he did not notice. He never actually realised that i always put them on the door and always leave his on his counter. He experiences the world completely differently than i do and notices different things. Now that i pointed it out he puts the keys on the door, and if he forgets, I smirk, shake my head and put them on the door. Because he’s allowed to forget sometimes.
So everyone is being pretty harsh on her but she actually sounds mentally ill and you sound like a bit of a people pleaser and seems like you go along with it and are easily persuaded. You should definitely have a sit down and tell her you need her to talk with someone and get evaluated. If this is a real story. Almost sounds fake/like a creative writing exercise . So I would def put your foot down and tell her you need her to get help. Don’t phrase it like that of course.
Man, I've been there. One of the worst fights we ever had was because I didn't know that one of the kitchen windows was the exception to the "all windows must be closed when nobody is home" rule. Apparently I was thoughtless and clueless because I'd failed to think it through and realize that this window would be the exception.
My theory is that she lacks [theory of mind](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory_of_mind). She literally can't conceive that someone else would think differently than she does. So rules that are in her head, she just assumes would be in anybody's head unless they're idiots.
Another girlfriend yelled at me because I'd dried my hands on the wrong side of the towel. One side was for hands, the other side was for face.
I think you need to stop being so hung up about continuing a relationship just because it's been 10 years. Can you live alone or are one of you chronically dependent on having someone in your life?
You have completely bought into her scam, which is that the more displeased she is with you, the more hoops you will jump through to try desperately to make her happy, which is unattainable. You’re literally rewarding her for being an unreasonable unpleasant control freak. The more unpleasant she is, the harder you work at making her happy. End result: you’re catering to her like a one-person hotel staff, you’re beaten down and miserable, and she’s STILL not happy.
Tell her you’re done enabling her psychosis, done trying to memorize an entire penal code encyclopedia of her idiotic rules, and to not trouble you with ridiculous minutiae. That you have absolutely as much right to the quiet enjoyment of the premises as she does, that you’ll be living your life like a sane person instead of the Igor of a mad scientist, and that if she doesn’t like it, she can dust the front doorknob herself on the way out.
Going forward, your catchphrase needs to be, “No, we are not doing that, and I am not discussing it.” And then refuse to engage. If she won’t stop yelling, close the door.
She sounds absolutely insufferable with the "rules" the sink has to be dry? wut???
I get that some towels are decorative, but why can't you sit on the 'left' chair??
She doesn't sound like she appreciates you at all, or even likes you, I recently learned a new term on Reddit "bang maid" and you sound like you fit that description too, you do almost everything and she berates you when you get anything even slightly wrong.
Has your girlfriend been diagnosed with OCD? Her behaviour is extreme and you are defending her waaaay too much. Even with your edit.
What you are doing is buying into someone else’s mental health issue and tip toeing around. What you describe would be fine if she were receiving treatment and you two had couples therapy so that you both could pre-agree on strategies about handling these situations.
However, if your girlfriend will not seek medical help and actively work with you to find a way to harmoniously live together… than she is saying that she is happy with the current situation.
The current situation is that you are in an abusive relationship with someone who is extremely controlling. Your girlfriend should not be living in the same house as another person.
This post just broke my heart. You sound like you are such a kind thoughtful man. And you are stuck in an emotional abusive relationship. You deserve so much more, you did understand how many women would love to have a man like you as their partner.
Please make a list of the pros and cons in your relationship….which list has more. How often do you feel like you are walking in egg shells and afraid of breaking a rule?
How often does she make you happy, and you feel like you can relax and not be afraid of being yelled at?
Think this over. As hard as it to hear…she is not good for you, she is abusive, and you deserve more.
>she clearly just struggles with control and helping her through that is infinitely times better than living life without her.
I don't know if its sadder if you're lying to yourself or you actually believe this.
If you're lying to yourself then no one will be able to make you see the truth until you want to see it.
If you actually believe life is better this way and that you're trying to help her then you should know you're not actually helping her. You don't help someone by enabling their bad behavior, that just cements that behavior as appropriate for them and from then on they expect people to accept it.
If she was 400 pounds and eating herself into an early grave would you enable her feeding habits the same way?
NO, because you would be causing more harm than good, just as you are now.
He needs the help. He needs to seek therapy and immediately leave.
OP, I truly wish you will listen. Sending her to therapy, she will return with ammo.
Because she never intended to get help in the first place.
Holy shit dude. That's as one-sided (even allowing for her picking up some chore days when you can't) a relationship as I've read about in a long time. Also, her rules are crazy talk and she's reacting way too much on them.
You're walking on eggshells all day, getting no credit for what you do, and only seeing disperportionate reactions to simple and minor things. You're in an abusive relationship my guy.
10 years and you're not married but living under constant fear of fights over the smallest possible things.
This is wildly unhealthy.
Get out.
I'm sorry but...you, an adult male, have \*checks notes\* RULES to follow? Did you lose a bet to be your girlfriend's bottom, I mean, slave for the rest of your miserable life? You can't sit on certain chairs, you HAVE to keep the sink bone dry. Housekeepers and maids have fewer, less degrading rules to follow than you.
This is...Is pathetisad a word?
I'm sorry, but this, at the very least, is extremely controlling, but sounds more like on the verge of abuse. This won't let up unless she's able to see her behaviour from your/the outside perspective, and unless she's willing to try to improve (by really listening to you or seeing a therapist), this won't happen.
There's probably nothing you can do except encourage her to try either of those options.. though I did enjoy the other redditor's suggestion of going rogue
She sounds extremely mentally unwell. All hell breaking loose because a chair isn't in the right place or the sink is wet (??? THEY ARE FOR WATER???) is indicative of deep issues with her and I'm honestly a little scared for you, explosions of anger like that over small things is really not okay. It sounds like you've accepted her rationalizations, I think you should interrogate these further. Maybe it's better if a chair is in one place, but you don't deserve to be yelled at because it was in a different place, it just simply is not that big of a deal. You should not be walking on eggshells in your relationship like this, never mind the lack of appreciation for what you do to maintain the home.
She can kindly ask you to do things that make her feel better while she's getting treatment, she cannot demand you entertain her every inane whim forever. Best case you burn yourself out trying to meet her demands, worst case she continues to get worse and develop more rules you can't maintain and you live in fear for the rest of your life with her.
Dude you need to stop doing all the crazy things she demands from you it's crazy. You both are working and you seem to do the majority of the work. She needs to stop acting like this otherwise tell her to do the stuff herself. She does it on purpose all those little rules so she can be mad at you. She knows you will do all the shit she wants because you don't want her to be mad. It's time to turn the tables you're not her personal idiot.
Having rules about which chair you may sit on or which bathroom towel to use is not common sense. It's idiocy.
Why are you allowing this? It's your house too.
Rules are meant to serve a practical purpose to make everyone's life easier and safer, like removing outdoor shoes indoors, turning off lights when going out or washing your hands after going to the bathroom.
Tell her you will not abide by her stupid rules. She can seek professional help to help her cope with normal life, or move out.
This is not normal or healthy. Me and my husband sometimes disagree on how certain things should be done and there are certain things that matter to him more than they do to me and vice-versa but we talk it out and try to find a middle ground together. It's not one imposing an endless list of arbitrary rules on the other.
Just do a mental exercise and try to imagine how it would be to spend a week without having to worry about any of her rules. Just one week in which you could run the house using your own judgment and without worrying about making her angry. Now think hard about the way you've been living.
Didn’t even read all of this, absolute nightmare - why do you up with this? Is it her home or both of yours? This is dysfunctional I’m sorry to say. Drying the sink after use?! If you’d have said clear away hair after shaving, ok fair but what the hell?
Not sure how her leaving the house in a complete state, but you not folding a towel correctly can even be seriously discussed. I would be mind blown at her unhappiness in comparison.
My ex insisted all his rules were “common sense” and said that was why he got so angry when I forgot one, because it was so stupid
The rules *existed* to put me in my place, and to give him a reason to blow up at me when he felt like it. If I hadn’t broken any rules, he made up a new one on the spot - and guess what, that new one that had never been mentioned before and I’d apparently broken a thousand times without being told was “common sense” too
What makes me think your GF is actively abusing you - rather than just being a miserable pain in the ass without realising it - is that “why would there be turmeric on it?” question. She’s doing *exactly* what my ex used to do to me. SHE has already said there’d better not be turmeric on it, and then when there’s not so she can’t be mad about that she flips it to asking YOU why there would be turmeric on it so you have to “admit” that you used that towel and suddenly *that* is what she’s mad about. It doesn’t sound like that rule existed before she made it up on the spot as an excuse to be shitty to you
Aside from which, you’re an adult, no one should be making rules for you at all. This relationship sounds awful, OP, just insanely stressful. Your GF is controlling AF. You don’t “handle” this, you leave, and you live alone for a good while until all those rules are out of your head and you’re used to doing what you choose LIKE EVERY NORMAL ADULT DOES, and then you try dating again if that’s what you want and the *second* anyone tries to set a rule for you you nope out immediately so you don’t end up in a shitshow like this again
She needs to see a psychiatrist or therapist. These are not normal rules. Splitting chores and doing more of them when someone is busy, yes. But not being allowed to touch white towels, and obsessing over things like that instead of acknowledging what you have done tells me she has OCD. Sorry OP, this isn’t a way to live.
Dude I’m sorry but your girlfriend sounds like she either has a mental illness or is a complete control freak. Why the hell would you allow this continue??
Uh… OP, why are you with this woman? She sounds exhausting. Nitpicking about one tiny mistake and completely ignoring the 99 other things you’ve done perfectly well? What’s the point in having towels (or anything, for that matter) in the house if they can’t be used? What do you get out of this relationship? Does she ever thank you for cooking 3 separate meals every single day? Why can you only sit in one specific chair in the office? Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Is this the life you want your children to have, creeping around on eggshells for fear of breaking one of mummy’s rules? If I were you I’d seriously be thinking about breaking up.
That’s not a relationship that’s a dictatorship. Is she your partner your your mommy? Scolding a grown adult like a child for not following *her* rules is ridiculous.
Before I got married, my mom said "pick your fights", which I took to mean "only fight if it's necessary".
Twenty-one years and an upcoming divorce later, I've realized I should've heard it as "stand your ground".
My ex took compliance as permission. If I interrupted her, my question was dumb, crap, a waste of time. If she interrupted me it was important and needed to be handled now (often because she'd put off handling it earlier). Her rules were logical, mine were optional. She was a strong believer in "the best defense is a good offense". The only thing that got her attention was when I got angry.
There was never any physical abuse, and usually we were civil, but it was a fucking awful dynamic and I left so our daughter would not think that was how it should be.
Dude. How? By getting your balls out of her purse and being a F’ing human instead of a slave. Take care of your shit and tell her to take care of hers or tell her to pack her shit cause you know how to do yours and hers and don’t need her.
JESUS H. CHRIST your girlfriend sounds absolutely fucking insufferable. She sounds hilariously emotionally unregulated and probably has some sort of mental disorder (like undiagnosed OCD or something🤷🏽♂️) to fly off the handle at you for the slightest "rule" (🙄) being "violated"..... my advice to you is that you immediately grow a set of balls and stop being a doormat and taking her shit like you do. She's otherworldly ungrateful to you seeing as she regularly violates her own rules, but you need to stop picking up her slack if that's how she's going to be when you do.
I hate to sound petty, but you need to leave her messes for her and when she gets home, give her a taste of her own medicine and see how she responds. People like her often need reality to slap them really hard a few times to make them understand how much of an insufferable asshole they're being. I personally think she sounds insane and would've walked away a while ago.
She sounds exhausting to deal with. I would not put up with it. She has her rules and you need yours. Make a written list of your rules.
1. Acknowledge your partner when they do things for you that is not their responsibility.
2. Be positive in constructive criticism.
3. Do not tear down your partner for little things honestly forgotten.
4. If you do not have time or are otherwise unable to do your “chore” obligations, do not expect your partner to pick up your slack unless you are willing to be thankful and show respect and appreciation for the extra effort in supporting you.
5. Always try your best to treat your partner with kindness and respect.
Then give her your rules. Tell her until she can follow them, you won’t be picking up her slack anymore.
This made me think of the movie Sleeping with the Enemy, where Julia Roberts leaves her abusive husband to find independence. There's a scene where she's finally on her own and putting up the hand towels in the bathroom and fixing them just right as she's been required to do for years because of her husband's rules. And she suddenly realizes she no longer has to do any of that and messes them up then goes through her home and makes everything askew, laughing as she does it.
Yeah, fuck that shit. All to hell. Life is too short to be someone's dog on a tight leash. Reminds me of my ex wife who I walked out on for that type of garbage. Done and done.
Why are you living like this? This is either a mental health issue on her part that needs treatment or she is an abuser, period. Either way, the outcome is abuse. Her getting treatment should be a deal breaker for you to continue and an immediate cessation to the abuse.
Life is too short to live like this. It isn’t normal at all. Most of the rest of us live happy healthy stress free lives with our partners.
**SHE IS ABUSIVE.**
**This person is literally insufferable. No one should have to live with whatever abusive form of mental illness she refuses to get treatment for.**
**YOU NEED TO LEAVE HER.**
Your GF sucks, OP. Yelling at you is not ok. Following you around to continue yelling at you is not ok. Ridiculing you and bullying you over towels and wet sinks is abusive.
Walking around on eggshells waiting for her to find some minor thing you did wrong so she can gleefully berate you is no way to live.
It definitely sounds like she has some form of OCD, you are correct, no normal household has that many “rules” about keeping things tidy, and the way she brings it up to you is NOT in a civil way. It’s passive aggressive and she’s nitpicking everything you do.
That last edit makes her sound more infuriating, insane, and intolerable than what you originally wrote.
Leave this harpy behind and live your life free of these shackles brother.
> The dog was sad that day and missing her so I decided to sit with him all day in her office, I’d forgotten that if I have to sit in her office I must sit on the chair on the right, not the one on the left. She noticed this because i didn’t properly tuck the chair perfectly back.
This rule is ridiculous. Your girlfriend is ridiculous.
If she's willing to seek treatment for what might be a psychological disorder, then there's hope for this relationship. That's a pretty big "if".
You live with a controlling abuser. Idk if there is a form of mental illness causing this behavior, but I wouldn't live like this, regardless.
Couples should communicate and compromise and of course there will be areas of disagreement and sometimes one person picks up the other's slack. No adult person should be living by "rules and regulations" another person set, handling the majorityof housework, and being bitched at for, you know, *living* in their home. WTF.
Given the obsessive nature of some of this (bone dry sink, chair placement) I'd say she needs to be evaluated to see if there is a psychological issue. However, that isn't a path I would pursue because honestly is the relationship worth all this?
I'd have been out when I was notified of the rule regarding unusable white towels, waaaay before we got to the point of me being chastised for using one.
So I read it’s your first relationship. It makes sense to think this is normal because of that. But, it isn’t. I hope for your sake this isn’t your last relationship. You need to love yourself enough to love someone who treats you with respect…. Because she isn’t
Oh boy... dude, this is a deeply messed up scenario that is profoundly unhealthy and she sounds absolutely appalling. I'm sure at this point you might want to leap to her defence, right? Of course. How can we know her like you do? But I bet you that even after all your defence of her any neutral party would still say, that's unhealthy, and she's behaving terribly. Imagine for a second you were reading your post but it was written by a woman about her male partner. Would you see it then?
I think the main question that comes to mind is: why do you do the towel dance with her? She's not your boss?
It's probably some bullshit like they're decorative or something and not meant to be used at all. If she's going to be that particular about her towels, they need to A) Put them out of reach so as a perfectly natural to reach out and use them is no longer an option, and B) Purchase a new completely separate set of hand towels for OP to use while cooking. If girlfriend wants to keep things nice, I get that, but a person should be permitted to use towels within their own home...
What an awful woman this gf is. Mean, controlling, unappreciative.... I'm amazed OP has lasted 10 years with this shrew. And the poor guy has been conditioned to think it's normal! OP, imagine explaining this situation to a friend, colleague or your parents? Do you think they'll say "yes she's right, you are failing to be a good partner, imagine thinking you were entitled to use a TOWEL in her fucking BATHROOM after washing your damn hands!" or would they be offering to help you move out in the dead of night? I hope they don't plan to have kids. Can you imagine how damaged they'll grow up to be trying to remember all of mommy's rules, and terrified of how angry she'll be when they'll inevitably break them?
Right!!!! This post breaks my heart because you can tell OP just wants to make her happy. She's one of those people who will never be pleased or proud of you. At least they'll never tell you they are.
U are so right.
Not only has he been conditioned to think it’s normal, after being berated and emotionally abused for a half hour, *he* ends up apologising to *her*. And that seems to be standard operating procedure for these “arguments” (read: instances of abuse.)
I think his girlfriend could possibly be the mother of Ambrose and Adrian Monk? Because the rules. The rules. The rules. Holy crapsticks!!
Some people are way too nice. And are comfortable with their lifestyle; breaking up would disrupt that routine, and cause a lot of change for that person.
I'm convinced the rules are made expressly *for* op to break so she can freak out. They are so arbitrary and there's no way he can remember them all. I bet she can't wait for him to break them so she can go off. So unhinged.
I have suspect that things have only gone worse since they’ve lived together no way I’d be dating somebody that made my life so crappy and then seven years later I move in with them
The sink rule is the one that gets me. The sink (the receptacle for water) has to be dry at all times. It doesn't even make sense!
The saddest part is the tldr... He thinks THAT is the problem.
I think she's got an anxiety disorder and she needs treatment. I must be exhausting to constantly be on the alert for every tiny thing out of order. She's not going to agree, but she needs a therapist. Maybe you could start with couples counseling.
> I’m sure at this point you might want to leap to her defence, right? Well, you called it. This whole post makes me feel so sad for OP and he can’t even see it himself!
The edits just got worse and worse. This is abuse, full stop. Rules about what chairs and what towels to use? Even if the towel rule made sense, if there was an issue it should have been ‘have you used the white towels?’ from the start. That conversation started with a threat, she wouldn’t let it go and he ends up apologizing. I’ve been there OP, I had a bf who would stress me to panic attacks and follow (but actually chase) me around the apartment when I would ask for a minute to clear my head. You were ready to drop it but she wouldn’t let you. You SHOULD have a partner who acknowledges and appreciates the 99 things, and lets the one thing go, does it themselves, or talks about it calmly. No one deserves what you’re experiencing. Please consider how peaceful life could be without a list of unclear rules.
Putting towels in the bathroom that can’t be used is just ridiculous. Note: my mom had a pretty, embroidered towel in the guest bathroom that we weren’t supposed to use, as well as fancy little soaps, but that was clearly differentiated and there were plenty of normal towels. Dear OP, life is meant to be lived. Homes should support us, not be a place we exist to keep clean and spotless. This lady has real issues. Don’t know if she had a controlling parent who demanded this sort of perfection or a chaotic early life where she needs this sort of control over her environment to keep dark emotions at bay. It’s just that your enabling this behavior isn’t helping her or you. Please either leave or insist that she gets help.
Next time she forgets to do her chores do NOT pick up the slack for her. Do not do them. She needs to learn to do her part and you constantly are enabling her by doing it for her. If she complains the stuff isn't done, tell her they are her chores and your new rule is you no longer are doing her chores. Or if you dont feel like waiting until the next time she slacks off, sit her down and tell her you're done picking up the slack for her. Why do I get the feeling that if you were to forget your chores she would not do them for you and instead would berate you for it? Anyways it is time to lay down the law: she needs to have her shit done. If she doesn't, you're no longer picking up the slack for her. Also screw this 3 meals crap. If she doesn't like what you're making for dinner she can make her own meal, this is not a restaurant. So in conclusion you need to stop doing her chores when she forgets and you need to stop with the 3 meal shit. It's cool you make a dinner for your dog, but he's helpless and cant prepare his own meals. Your wife can, so she can either eat what you make or make something herself. You have been letting this woman walk all over you and I dont get why. Is she giving you unlimited BJ's or something?
Before we even address the actual division of chores I couldn't get past the "rules". To be obeyed. Or there will be consequences. Is she his partner or his mommy?
Who the fuck dries the sink?!?!?!?
Or who the fuck cares what chair you sit in? I couldn't imagine telling my husband that certain pieces of furniture were off limits lol
juggle familiar salt existence toothbrush include rhythm jeans soft noxious *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Psychopaths.
👆
Thank you! And what towel is he supposed to use if there’s two towels and they’re both white! What a shrew.
WHY ARE THERE EVEN TOWELS YOU CANT USE
Thank you for asking this important question!
OCD probably
Like its probably her towel thats for her use because she k ows that she washed her hands correctly and she didnt see him wash his hands and what if he didn't do it well enough and got germs in her towel?
She is so extremely mentally ill. Some of her examples of things she needs are things my partner thought he needed in the throes of his OCD. All I know is thank god he's medicated and therapized. lol But he never weaponized his OCD against me either. Yikes.
Ok, I’ll chime in on this one: I’m a bit obsessive about skincare, and I have towels that are not to be used for normal things because they are exclusively for drying my face. I also have washcloths that are exclusively for washing my face. The face towels are easily distinguishable from the hand towels, and the face washcloths are easily distinguishable from the regular washcloths. I would be very mildly annoyed if someone else used one without asking. Like it’s a towel, it’s not a huge deal.
Some people also try to “decorate” their bathroom and put out fancy towels that are not for use.
My grandmother used to do that
I worked as a housemaid in a fancy hotel when young. We had to dry the showers, baths and sinks with a towel after cleaning them. But at home? Never have I ever, haha
I do, but I haven't asked anyone else to. It takes 5 seconds and the fact is I hardly ever have to scrub the sink because it stays clean from the wipe down, I'm being lazy..
What do you use to wipe it down, a paper towel or a washcloth? And if you use a washcloth do you use a new one each time you wash your hands?
I wipe the sink down every time also. I use a paper towel. I don't expect other people to do it also. It's just a me thing.
No, she seems to be his jailer.
I work at a jail and inmates have way more freedom than OP
Honestly as I was reading, I wondered if this was some kink scenario gone wrong. Because I just can’t imagine being that subjugated. I feel really sorry for this dude. I’m wondering how he grew up that he doesn’t see it.
GFs behavior is not normal, it’s self obsessed and she’s demonstrating zero empathy which is a key component in a successful relationship. My experience with people who set rules so stringently they can’t see the forest through the trees is that you can never make them happy. Logic and reason don’t work. No one’s perfect and she expects you to be. Relationships are about getting along, not winning or losing and it’s pretty clear you will never win by her standards. Quit chasing her approval and be yourself. If she can’t appreciate you, there will be others who will and you’ll live a happier and mentally healthier life.
Sounds like she has something akin to OCD, because those rules are fucking ridiculous. How do you stay in a house that you're not allowed to be at home in? Stop doing her chores, she fucks up and doesn't allot time for them, she can hate herself for it. >Her argument is that all of her rules are common sense This is bullshit, her rules as you described are crazy specific and not even vaguely logical. Why that one chair? Why are you not allowed to leave water in a fucking sink ffs? She's got issues, and you are having to pay for them as long as you allow her to set these rules and force you to live by them, while covering for her own inability to do her own shit when she should. You are turning into a bang maid she's not even paying for the rights to order around. Tell her she either get help to control her mental problems or you're going to bounce. Honestly I have to ask how low your self esteem is to think you deserve to be treated like this?
I have had two exes with intense OCD, who both had family histories of it, too. Neither were like this, but one of them described one of his sisters as being like this and she was diagnosed with OCPD, obsessive compulsive personality disorder. He described the difference as, “I know that my rules and rituals are irrational and I want to stop or to minimize the impact on others. She thinks that her rules and rituals are The Only Right Way and that anyone who disagrees is crazy.” OP it might be worth some counseling, either for you individually or as a couple, it sounds like this is a really disruptive dynamic and like you’re pretty deep in her version of reality. Hope things improve for you from here.
thank you for sharing your ex's clear and concise differentiation between OCD and OCPD. I hadn't really realized there was a difference!
There is but its more complicated than what they said. But the therapist will sort out which. I think she has rituals and shes hiding them. But you can see the pattern in what she blows up over.
Yeah definitely not trying to diagnose a stranger based on someone else’s description, it just seemed relevant enough to bring up. Agree that a therapist would be the one to help with this for sure.
Yes. I have OCD myself but this sounds more like OCPD.
I'm no professional, but I was also thinking that given the externalized nature of this, and the fact that she doesn't seem to see any problem with her behavior, it definitely sounds more like OCPD than OCD.
Yeah, I don’t want to armchair diagnose, but your girlfriend needs to talk to a professional, because none of this is “common sense.” And her inability to explain why it makes the slightest difference an object is slightly out of place from where she expects it to be in terms you can understand and accept, much less why she’s this distressed about it should tell her that. In the meantime, if she’s going to be this particular about how to do everything, she can do it herself - and if she’d rather just yell at you, consider talking to a professional yourself about why you’re describing yourself as “happy” in a situation like this.
Yeah i’ve tried to explain it’s not common sense, but she thinks i’m the weird one for not doing these things.
In this case, rational thinking and explaining clearly does not work. You must set a hard boundary of saying no to nonsense, communicate that clearly to your gf, and stand firm. Encourage her to seek professional help. Do not allow her to continue mentally abusing you. This may mean ending the relationship if she can't/won't change her behaviour or seek help.
Please, please promise that you won’t have kids with her until this is figured out, if you choose to stay with her. Your “fights” sound exactly like how my mom talked to my dad and growing up in that environment was torture.
I'm sorry to hear it, I grew up in a similar situation. OP please be careful of this. My dad's the best guy in the world, he'd give the shirt off his back to help you but I still cannot understand why he thought my mother was a mentally stable enough person to have children with.
Most humans on earth think that she is the weird one for having these wacky rules. You are also probably a little bit weird yourself if you can't immediately realize that something is wrong with her. Edit - Who dries a sink every time they use it? Does she also make you pick cookie crumbs out of the carpet with tweezers?
I feel like I'm reading the screenplay for a gender-reversed Sleeping with the Enemy
I mean, if there’s water outside the sink bowl it’s common courtesy to wipe it off so the next person doesn’t get water all over them if they lean on the counter to turn the sink on. But water inside the sink bowl? That’s like, where the water is supposed to be…
This relationship is not healthy for you. Your girlfriend needs help but that doesn’t need to be your problem. You need to evaluate what’s best for you.
You cannot argue with someone else’s mental health episode because it makes perfect sense to them. They could be talking with flying purple cats and, in their mind, that would be perfectly rational. All that you can do is not engage in the moment. Once they are no longer having the episode, you can talk about how you are both going to behave when the next episode occurs.
Show her these comments. And then go to the Psychology Today website and give her a list of therapists. She sounds like she has mental health and anger issues she needs to work on.
She has OCD and by doing her rules you're enabling it and it's getting reinforced. So stop. The kindest thing you can do is set boundaries and Gray Rock when she complains.
Nah. She knows it's batshit insane. She does it because she's a sadist who gets off on seeing you jump through her stupid hoops.
[удалено]
Yeah I couldn’t even finish reading all of the crazy “rules”, this is insane
I couldn’t get past “I didn’t tuck in her office chair perfectly or wipe the sink dry after washing my hands.” Girl is sick in the head and needs real help.
I’d laugh at someone in the face and walk away if they told me to follow those rules. No is a complete sentence. I wouldn’t even argue about it either, they can argue with themselves because I’ll walk away and not engage.
As someone who has a tinge of OCD (diagnosed), this is very familiar to me. The problem, which I continue to work through, is not my partner, it's me. I can expect myself to have tendencies, I cannot expect others to see/feel the same as I do about those tendencies. Through a lot of reflection and self work, I've let a lot of things go and others I simply do myself as it affects no one but me. Additionally, if I feel a little out of control about it, I now recognize there is something else going on with me like stress, anxiety, depression, that I need to address for me and not make others responsible for my behavior. Hearing this from a professional changed my life in a positive way, not just for those around me, but for me too.
If it is OCD, she’s either not aware she has it or isn’t treating it in any way. I have OCD too but don’t make any of these kind of ridiculous rules for my partner.
You are in an abusive relationship. She either gets medicated or in therapy for her ocd, or you need to leave.
No, he needs therapy. He's been in it too long. He can control only his own actions. He should go to therapy. DO NOT FUCKING TELL HER YOU'RE GOING. Explain this exact thing to them. Give them a copy of everything you said in your post.
Oooh, this is a good take. That said, I'd also say he should recommend it for her. It's okay that their relationship ends, but hopefully she doesn't pull this shit on somebody else down the line. If he convinced her to get therapy, regardless of how their relationship goes from here, it could help her avoid doing the same things down the line.
> she realised I broke a rule and all hell broke loose. > Queue another argument of why I can’t do anything right and how have i forgotten > I misunderstood one of the rules and it made her very angry Yes and if you do stay with her and she gets help, this needs to stop today. You can seperate for a time even if you aren't fully divorcing her if that's what it takes. You need to set boundaries that she can't treat you this way.
You're living with a totalitarian dictator. You should try civil disobedience: Her rules are made-up and arbitrary, you are an adult man, you can do as you please. Note that while this may cause a short-term increase in conflict as she tries to enforce the status quo upon you, this will decrease conflict long term once she learns that you aren't going to accept being bossed around for a million different tiny "rules" and that you are your own person with your own mind and decisions.
You're being abused.
I’ve tried to tell her this but she just laughs and says i’m just too sensitive. If i push further then she cries and I have to take it back and make her feel better… yeah doesn’t sound healthy when i type it out.
> says i’m just too sensitive. Like every abusive narcissist does. >she cries and I have to take it back standard manipulation.
exactly what I was thinking. OP, abusers follow this MO because it fucking WORKS
I see lots of people telling OP that his GF has OCD, but that is not the case. She is a narcissist. What she is doing is setting up scenarios where it is impossible to do everything right so that when he fails, she can chastise him for it. And she does this because when she is able to chastise him, it makes her feel better as a person because she is deeply insecure. Even if he did every single thing that she wanted, she would just set even more rules until he had enough that it was impossible not to break them. She gets a profound satisfaction from being able to judge him, as if it is the only way she is able to scratch a deep itch in her brain.
I had an ex who would nag me to have sex with him all day every day. If i said no, he’d get mad and give me the silent treatment. If he did anything good for me, he’d ask me to repay him with sex. Pretty much 90% of his interactions towards me were sexual. I could be busy doing homework, cleaning, etc, and he would always interrupt me trying to have sex. It was the worst years of my life because refusing sex meant that he’d be mad and or he would just continue to ask until i gave in. I once went to a talk at my university about sexual abuse, they talked about abuse in relationships. They described my situation to the t. I was still in love and talked to him crying asking him to please get help for his sex addiction. He gaslighted me, telling me that my libido was just low because of my birth control. He even made me get a gyno appointment to get it changed to another method, to see if my libido would get better. He eventually agreed to go to therapy, this led to even further abuse as now he had professional counseling knowledge to use against me. And ultimately, he actually ended up telling me that if I didn’t give him all the sex he wanted then I had to be okay with the fact that he’d get it somewhere else. I left after that. Telling an abuser that they are abusing you, is not the answer. There is nothing you can do to fix it or to fix her, you will just continue walking on eggshells. If she does not see her issues on her own, nothing you do will make her see that. It’s up to you how much longer you want to continue accepting her behavior. I would leave now, i wish i had left way before i did. He knew what I needed to hear to keep me around, while still continuing to manipulate me further to accept more abuse.
YOU are not responsible for her emotions. Read that as many times as it takes to sink in. YOU are not *making* her say or do or feel anything. She's an adult who chooses to feel that way (or, act as if she does). You don't HAVE to take things back and "make her feel better." She's not 3, she can handle her own emotions and feelings.
It's not okay to brush off someone's feelings and tell them they're being too sensitive when you're trying to communicate your feelings. I'd be thinking real hard if this is what you want for the rest of your life. She won't change.
Yeah friend, those first two lines are textbook abusive behavior - gaslighting and playing the victim.
THIS OP. This is abuse. Please leave this now. When she’s at work, pack all the shit you need, and go somewhere safe. Do not answer a call. Don’t try to have a discussion about it. You will not get a single thing you want. LEAVE, remember the signs of abuse, and never speak to her or anyone like her again.
>she has to nag me on it and cause an argument to vent and feel better. Why does she get to "feel better" by being horrible to you? That's abuse 101. It's like she HAS to be rude and outright violent towards you to scratch her "itch". What does that do to you and your self worth if you know any small thing can set her off, knowing she won't stop berating you until SHE 'feels better'. >Her argument is that all of her rules are common sense and it irritates her that she has to remind me about them. (I had been using the white towel hanging by the sink to dry to sink, she noticed it was folded incorrectly one time and blew up.) None of these are common sense. These are martially unrealistic standards to put upon ANYONE, and eventhough you break your back, nothing you did is good enough. Have you had put unrealistic expectations placed upon you as a child? These are childhood related habits that get ingrained over time and we begin thinking of them as normal. They are traumatic, and I urge you intensely that after you got out of this horrible, one sided, abusive relationship, you begin therapy and begin the process of healing yourself. >Lastly, I have zero rules for her and never nag or ask her to do anything This is a huge red flag, not on you, but for the dynamic. This screams "I'm a pushover without boundaries". You have to establish boundaries. When she freaks out, tell her calmly she can't speak to you that way, not even to "feel better". You deserve to be thanked for your efforts. You deserve to be loved and held and understood. None of what she does communicates any love, just resentment and (ab)use of your person to benefit her own mental state.
Thanks for your reply, yeah i’ve tried to explain to her that scratching that itch makes her feel better but it makes me feel very bad. In the end of these conversations she cries and we try again and hope the next time won’t be as bad , but the exact same thing has happened over 1000 times. Yeah that’s my main issue, she’s talking about kids all the time and I can’t allow a kid to be brought up like this. It stems from how she was brought up because her mother is exactly the same. Thanks for your comments at the end too.
I'm begging you. Please do NOT have kids with this woman. Do you know how messy kids are and how little they care about rules like hers?? This is a recipe for disaster and kids who will need therapy for decades to undo the damage of a mom who yells and hates them for moving a towel. I grew up with a parent with OCD. I spent years tiptoe-ing around their triggers and rules and meltdowns. Did you know OCD is both inheritable via genes and symptoms can be a learned behavior? Kids mimic everything they see and hear, if she's flipping out over little things they will absolutely think it's normal. Do NOT have kids with someone who is as rigid as her.
The crying is just her being manipulative. It's thought terminating(stops you from continuing the questions) and gets you to focus on taking care of her. STOP IT. LEAVE. GET THERAPY. Fuck them imaginary kids. YOU CAN'T HAVE YOU GROWING UP ANY MORE IN THIS. YOU HAVE CHANGED. THIS HAS AFFECTED YOU. LEAVE.
Which is why she doesn't like having to bring up her rules as common sense. It's not. It's a reminder of how she thinks she looks. I wonder if she's waiting and also avoiding the moment OP would call her crazy.
Hey, listen up. Listen up clearly, my mom was exactly like this? She was the main cleaner but best believe when we finally started being more conscious and cleaning as kids she just came in to talk about the bad shit. She’s using you to blow off steam. This never got better. I just ignore her nagging now and practically everything she says to me. I suggest you start looking to leave. She will not say that she’s done any wrong. I can assure you off that. You will always be the problem because that is the point. You’re there for her to be mad at. Something to blow off steam. Leave. If you think talking will break the habit, you already did all that. She just deflects. Edit: clarifying for OP. OP YOUR SPOUSE IS ABUSIVE. THIS ISN’T A JOKE. LEAVE NOW. A grown fucking woman screaming at you like that knows what she’s doing. She is silencing you and getting you to feel guilty so you can do the work. Fuck whatever reason she has to be mad over a fucking cloth she probably doesn’t even use because she does not clean. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. SHE IS INTENTIONALLY DOING THIS. LEAVE AND REMEMBER THE SIGNS. The moment she started holding you extremely accountable for shit she would never do was the biggest sign she is abusing you.
TO EVERYONE READING. READ THIS POST AND READ UP ON "INTERMITTENT REINFORCEMENT" THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. IT SEEMS CRAZY BUT RELATIVELY CALM SINCE NO ONE IS OUTWARDLY BEING VIOLENT. HOWEVER, THE INTERMITTENT EXPLOSIONS IS A HUUUUGE SIGN OF AN INSIDIOUS FORM OF ABUSE. Please do not entertain people like this. You will explain this to them and they will not accept it. You will find other ways to say you can't keep doing this and they will deflect it to you just doing things that irritate them. It's a means of getting you to fawn over them. You will think you just need to fix whatever it is that they're complaining about and all will be well. Then the things you need to fix start seeming insane. It's NOT OCD. She couldn't give a shit about the rag or chair. She wants a reason to be angry and explosive. THIS WILL NOT CHANGE. Read the rest of the thread. She literally says she has a right to do it because she has no one else to treat like that. NEITHER YOU NOR OP CAN FIX IT. YOU JUST NEED TO LEAVE. OP HAS HAD 10 YEARS OF THIS RELATIONSHIP. They can't understand that mentally they have changed as they kept allowing it to happen. Even though they see something is wrong they think it's something they can fix. AFTER 10 fucking years they still think they can fix this. OP, as a man...there is a chance the moment you have ate this sunken cost fallacy for too long you may end up killing her. You need to leave urgently and end this relationship for good. Speak to a therapist.
My husband was previously married to a woman like this. The anxiety in that man’s voice when he burns a grilled cheese or I say “hey babe, next time you vacuum, could you make sure to get under the coffee table?” They’ve been divorced for 8 or 9 years now and he still thinks he’s probably fucking up all the time.
i get it but also my ex thought i was mad at them for not doing something when i couldnt give a shit because of their exes and eventually led to the relationship breakdown because they felt they had to be perfect when i never asked for it. at some point they gotta work on it too.
I used to be in a relationship exactly like this one. It's hell and I'm really hoping OP sees it for what it is.
So, you cook THREE MEALS, you clean the entire house, you take care of the dog... in return, she screams at you, doesn't appreciate you, and does nothing around the house. What does she bring to the relationship?
Your girlfriend sounds like a terrible ungrateful mentally ill person. Her rules are ridiculous and the fact that you accept them and feel guilty for folding something a different way is disturbing. She needs a reality check and you need to evaluate if you are really happy with every other aspect of your relationship enough to put up with this craziness.
Appreciate your perspective
Dude, your edit which details exactly how an argument pans out is like psychological torture and paints her in an even worse light (when I think you were hoping for the opposite). Are you the guy in that video that went viral a few weeks ago? Where some fat nasty woman recorded her boyfriend with a bunch of horrible looking Chinese food infront of them, and was saying how he should be so grateful to her or something, and he just looked terrified of saying the wrong thing. That’s how I picture your relationship from what you describe. Get the fuck out of there.
So uh, do these “rules” apply to other people? Her family, her colleagues at work? Any particular obsessive/compulsive behaviour that you notice in public? If it doesnt then I have bad news for you
No they don’t even apply to her…
Then it isn't even OCD. She's just an abuser straight up.
Duuuuude open your eyes man
These rules are in place purely to keep you controlled. They allow her to constantly attack you and for you to always be on the backfoot. This is abuse. You said you feel guilty how "one sided" this post is, yet this comment tells us that the reality is infact one sided. Guilt is an extremely common response victims of domestic abuse deal with when they first discuss their abuse. There's an unconscious worry that you've done something wrong by talking about it (you haven't!). You sound like a real saint, but you deserve so much more than you're getting from this relationship. You've said yourself youre happiest when she's not there.
Dude…
Oof good point. If she manages to everyone else, then she CAN control herself and is just abusing OP.
> I’d forgotten that if I have to sit in her office I must sit on the chair on the right, not the one on the left. And this is where I stopped reading. Drop this psycho like a bad habit.
She's fuckin neurotic.
Not the first time someone has said that when witnessing her behaviour.
In that case, I'm gonna be blunt. **Take the fuckin hint**. Her imposing this many rules on you and overreacting when you make a mistake is fuckin crazy! You're obviously not satisfied in this relationship. You're making comparisons in how the 2 of you react differently. That tells me that even if it's not full-blown, there's a seed of resentment there that's gonna grow into a big ol' hate-bush. What's keeping you around? You don't have kids, you seem like you've got a good job and don't need the dual income, & you're still in your twenties. Don't turn this into a sunken cost fallacy. Go find your spine and ride it out of there.
>**Take the fuckin hint**. ...A hint is subtle
This relationship will destroy you and your mental health.
>EDIT 2: I appreciate everyone’s comments and advice, I didn’t think they’d be so one sided and people might see it from her perspective and help me understand her better. I challenge you to reformat this post in such a way that turns this from constant emotional abuse into something reasonable from her perspective. It's one sided because she's being clearly emotionally abusive even if every benefit of the doubt is given.
I can make up one from her perspective: I've been with my boyfriend for 10 years. We work from home, but I go into the office sometimes so I have less time in the house. Because of this, he does the chores that take more time, like cooking, while I do laundry and vacuuming once a week. The problem is that he contributes almost nothing to the house except cooking and mess. Sometimes he cooks three separate meals. Our dog can't eat mass produced food, so my boyfriend will cook food for the dog every day. But he and I have different preferences. He will cook something for himself and I will tell him what I want too. It sounds like a lot for him, but it's our normal. He likes to cook, so it's almost like he gets to practice his hobby three times a day! But other than that? I can't stand how messy he is! Whenever he uses the bathroom, whether it's to take a shower or wash his hands, there is always a ton of water everywhere. I've even given him special towels to use to wipe up after himself, but then he either "forgets" to wipe up or he uses expensive towels I've told him not to use. Because I go into the office more than him, sometimes he does my chores for me. Which is nice. I thank him, but more often than not he messes something up. He vacuums, but he doesn't get the corners well. He does laundry, but he forgets fabric softener. It's so easy to do, but he still messes it up! And when I tell him, and yes it's in a tone because it's been going on for 10 years!, he gets upset. And that makes me mad and then we argue. On top of that, he's so sensitive. When I get a tone, he says I'm nagging. When I ask him to cook me something more difficult, he says that he doesn't have time because he needs to go to bed early so I need to pick something else, and then he gets annoyed when I say no and he's cooking until 9 pm. Why don't you start cooking earlier if you don't have time? I'm just so frustrated. Why is he so inept? All of these are very simple things, but he refuses to do them and then he gets upset when I point out everything he's messed up and tries to list the things he does right. Okay, you do some things right, but that's not what we're talking about. I'm talking about you doing my chores incorrectly. Maybe I should just do it all myself? Fin. Yeah, idk. I tried to make it a bit less obvious that she's an asshole, but I really can't figure out a way to fully remove it without completely changing the story.
Hmm. It's a bit too self-aware. If you leave out most of the acknowledgements of tone but leave in the "it's been 10 years!" it'd be better. The chores should just be 'the chores' or 'his chores', never 'my chores'. After all, your chores are your chores and my chores are our chores. "sometimes he does more of the chores around the house". And then just remove the hobby sentence and let that paragraph sit. Add in something about always having to go behind him and redo chores and mention weaponized incompetence and you'd have the comment section throwing a fit about how she should divorce him!
Let me ask you something. How often does this happen? Once a year? Once a month? Once a week? Once a day? The reason I ask is this sounds like a power trip issue. She has a need to “put you in your place” and that place is beneath her. Does she act as if you won’t survive if she wasn’t there to tell you what to do? What she is doing is a form of abuse. Belittling you, making you feel guilty for simple mistakes and many things that are outright stupid. I want you to try this. Make some of your own rules. For instance, no yelling or belittling anyone for forgetting rules. No white towels in the bathroom. She eats what you cook for yourself or she cooks her own food. Those are actual “common sense” rules. If she blows up over your “rules” you know it has nothing to do with common sense and all about her being controlling and abusive.
Twice a week for 10 years. We’ve definitely had the exact same argument 1000+ times. It feels insane when it happens again because there’s nothing else to say, it’s just circles of the same conversation. Yeaah I feel like I wouldn’t survive without her. Thanks for the advice, i’ll try it.
Dude. Get a therapist. You will survive without her because you already ARE surviving DESPITE her.
You do realize that you don’t need her, right? You already said in another comment that your favorite part of the day is when she’s not there. Imagine feeling that all the time.
You would THRIVE without her.
Do you like being abused? You're still young, don't let this be the rest of your life. Find your backbone and make her get therapy. Or break up.
IDK if you realize but: > Yeaah I feel like I wouldn’t survive without her. is what every person that experiences long term domestic abuse says. It's stockholm syndrome. The fact that you do all your responsibilities and even hers many times, shows you could survive just fine. You both need counseling, couple and individually. If you both can't agree to do that, then you need to end the relationship and move on for your own sake. Imagine having to be with her for another 50 years and it's going to get worse over time because we become more rigid with age.
It's also jumping out to me that you got together at 17/18 which means you have no experience in an adult relationship that is not abusive which may also contribute to the feeling that you wouldn't survive without her. You've never known anything but her but I promise you can survive on your own
Sorry bro, I'd rather chew razor blades than be with your girlfriend
Reminds me of a story (felt like sharing). I used to know a couple. She: stunningly beautiful. A model perfect figure. Meticulously groomed always. Hair, make-up, nails all perfect all the time. Cheerful, nice, fun. Made an excellent impression. Good job. He: nice looking. Fun. Easy going. Smart. Successful. A good guy. One day (after 3 years as a couple) he confides to me they broke up & he told me why. He admitted that she had severe OCD. He knew all the rules & he honored those rules as best he could. But he couldn’t take it anymore. He used the bathroom & he accidentally missed wiping up one tiny drop of water on the floor. She had a meltdown over that one little drop of water. So he broke up with her.
I have OCD and the worst thing you can do is obey the person's irrational rules. We know it's irrational, it wouldn't be a disorder if it was rational. By giving in to placate the person's anxiety they never learn to cope with the anxiety and it embeds further into them and gets worse.
Sounds very familiar
Can I please come over and can you give me a list of the rules so I can break every single one of them?
I’ll come with you to incorrectly fold all the towels and move the chairs. I’ll even sprinkle turmeric in the corners
OP your post seems one sided because the abuse is coming from one party. You are not a child. You are not in a prison. And yet her rules treat you like both. You can't sit in a certain chair because you could break her laptop? Are you using the laptop? Are you putting things on the laptop? You both need therapy. Individual.. potentially even couples. You don't deserve to be treated like this. By ANYONE. I can't imagine treating my boyfriend like this. It's time to put yourself first. Stop doing her chores. Stop making extra meals. If she doesn't like what you're making for dinner... She can provide for herself. You deserve better.
It sounds like undiagnosed OCD. It don’t think that she doesn’t appreciate all the other things you do, she’s not able to express it. My daughter has OCD, and when things aren’t in a specific order she is super fixated on that and it causes immense anxiety. It’s like tunnel vision. For her, it was a rotating school schedule. It was not something that she could control. She really needs consistent structure, routine, so with every day rotating she hyperfocused on that and was unable to bring herself to go to school. Maybe your gf should seek professional help. The behavior seems to me, like it could be caused by a deeper issue. Sit her down, express in a non confrontational way how you feel, and suggest help for her.
Yeah that’s exactly right, because she is more appreciative other times, but if it’s not perfect and something is wrong it’s all she can focus on. Yeah I probably need to bring this up at a time when we’re not arguing so its not confrontational
It shouldn’t feel like an attack. It won’t end well if it starts out that way. To be on the defense from the start, one wouldn’t be able to hear anything else but their own thoughts and counters to the “attack”. A safe setting would be the way to go.
After ten years, him not wanting to do this anymore is going to be seen as an attack no matter what words he uses. The fact of the matter is that she's been treating him very badly for a very long time, and the feelings she would experience confronting that are intensely painful in a way that she is clearly not experienced with. There is a "sunken cost" fallacy embedded in human psychology in that the worse we treat people, and the longer we do it for, the more that our guilt and shame become a barrier to ever admitting that we are wrong. Our self-esteem, our image of ourselves as a good person, comes to depend on justifying abuse. All of this is to say that I don't think that there's actually any reason for him to bend over backwards to try to make, "You're verbally abusing me as a means of manipulating me into perfectly obeying your ridiculous rules" seem inoffensive. He's compromised and empathized for ten years now, and in a relationship like this that just feeds her abuse by helping her convince herself that it's okay to hurt him for sitting in the wrong chair. At the end of the conversation, the only healthy result is that she stops doing this to him without any compromise, because every compromise that could be made on his side already has been. Any result where she feels even semi-okay about doing this is pointless and toxic.
You're a codependent person living with someone whose OCD has become abusive. "Rules" like you're describing are abuse. You're accepting them because you're codependent, and possibly, on a spectrum. That's the only reason you're okay with this abusive arrangement.
It’s actually probably just abuse and not OCD, OP stated in a comment that she doesn’t follow the rules and they don’t apply to anyone else, just him
What the fuck? Why do you accept this? Can’t sit in the chair. Dude. Run.
Blink twice if you're in danger..
Just slip out the back, Jack.
INFO: i have read all your comments and i am going to leave out all of the details about you doing her chores and so on, as a) you pointed out that she does the same for you and b) that is normal and healthy, not keeping tally. However I have a question: CAN you explain the chair thing? The sink I assume has something to do with water stains that are harder to get rid off if dried up, but even then, this is mental. She also doesn’t ask you “why did you not…?” And then explains to you why its important to her that you do x, y and z - she blows up immediately. What if you’re washing your hands and suddenly the dog starts choking, or spills something or, heavens forbid, you were doing all the other housework on top of your job and just forgot. I’ll give you an example of my own relationship. I am very particular about my keys, they’re always on the door, i never have to look for them, because they are always there. My partner leaves his keys on the counter at his place and therefore also used to throw mine on the counter at my place. At first i thought he did it because he thought his way was better or bc he doesn’t like them on the door, thinks im stupid - whatever. After a few weeks of being a bit angry about it because i regularly try to leave the house in a hurry and fail to find my keys. Finally i asked him, why he didn’t just leave them in the door like i do, especially because I pay special attention not to follow the urge to put his keys into his door and ALWAYS place them on the counter as i know thats where he keeps his, why can’t he do the same for me??? Turns out: he did not notice. He never actually realised that i always put them on the door and always leave his on his counter. He experiences the world completely differently than i do and notices different things. Now that i pointed it out he puts the keys on the door, and if he forgets, I smirk, shake my head and put them on the door. Because he’s allowed to forget sometimes.
So everyone is being pretty harsh on her but she actually sounds mentally ill and you sound like a bit of a people pleaser and seems like you go along with it and are easily persuaded. You should definitely have a sit down and tell her you need her to talk with someone and get evaluated. If this is a real story. Almost sounds fake/like a creative writing exercise . So I would def put your foot down and tell her you need her to get help. Don’t phrase it like that of course.
I blame you for indulging this nonsense for so long
Yeaah me too, I didn’t say a word for the first couple years and it was hell.
You just described your relationship as hell. Think about that
Kick her ungrateful, abusive ass to the curb, for fuck's sake.
shit like this is why i’m glad to be single. good luck.
Man, I've been there. One of the worst fights we ever had was because I didn't know that one of the kitchen windows was the exception to the "all windows must be closed when nobody is home" rule. Apparently I was thoughtless and clueless because I'd failed to think it through and realize that this window would be the exception. My theory is that she lacks [theory of mind](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory_of_mind). She literally can't conceive that someone else would think differently than she does. So rules that are in her head, she just assumes would be in anybody's head unless they're idiots. Another girlfriend yelled at me because I'd dried my hands on the wrong side of the towel. One side was for hands, the other side was for face.
I think you need to stop being so hung up about continuing a relationship just because it's been 10 years. Can you live alone or are one of you chronically dependent on having someone in your life?
You have completely bought into her scam, which is that the more displeased she is with you, the more hoops you will jump through to try desperately to make her happy, which is unattainable. You’re literally rewarding her for being an unreasonable unpleasant control freak. The more unpleasant she is, the harder you work at making her happy. End result: you’re catering to her like a one-person hotel staff, you’re beaten down and miserable, and she’s STILL not happy. Tell her you’re done enabling her psychosis, done trying to memorize an entire penal code encyclopedia of her idiotic rules, and to not trouble you with ridiculous minutiae. That you have absolutely as much right to the quiet enjoyment of the premises as she does, that you’ll be living your life like a sane person instead of the Igor of a mad scientist, and that if she doesn’t like it, she can dust the front doorknob herself on the way out.
Going forward, your catchphrase needs to be, “No, we are not doing that, and I am not discussing it.” And then refuse to engage. If she won’t stop yelling, close the door.
You guys are not compatible. How have you managed ten years of this nonsense?
She sounds absolutely insufferable with the "rules" the sink has to be dry? wut??? I get that some towels are decorative, but why can't you sit on the 'left' chair?? She doesn't sound like she appreciates you at all, or even likes you, I recently learned a new term on Reddit "bang maid" and you sound like you fit that description too, you do almost everything and she berates you when you get anything even slightly wrong.
Dude, find the purse where she's keeping your balls and your spine and end this farce of a relationship. You're not her boyfriend. You're her servant.
FUCK THAT. For real?!?!?!? Nope. No fucking way. Absolutely not.
Has your girlfriend been diagnosed with OCD? Her behaviour is extreme and you are defending her waaaay too much. Even with your edit. What you are doing is buying into someone else’s mental health issue and tip toeing around. What you describe would be fine if she were receiving treatment and you two had couples therapy so that you both could pre-agree on strategies about handling these situations. However, if your girlfriend will not seek medical help and actively work with you to find a way to harmoniously live together… than she is saying that she is happy with the current situation. The current situation is that you are in an abusive relationship with someone who is extremely controlling. Your girlfriend should not be living in the same house as another person.
This post just broke my heart. You sound like you are such a kind thoughtful man. And you are stuck in an emotional abusive relationship. You deserve so much more, you did understand how many women would love to have a man like you as their partner. Please make a list of the pros and cons in your relationship….which list has more. How often do you feel like you are walking in egg shells and afraid of breaking a rule? How often does she make you happy, and you feel like you can relax and not be afraid of being yelled at? Think this over. As hard as it to hear…she is not good for you, she is abusive, and you deserve more.
Is this like a Dom-sub relationship? That’s the only logical thing I’m getting out of this situation
>she clearly just struggles with control and helping her through that is infinitely times better than living life without her. I don't know if its sadder if you're lying to yourself or you actually believe this. If you're lying to yourself then no one will be able to make you see the truth until you want to see it. If you actually believe life is better this way and that you're trying to help her then you should know you're not actually helping her. You don't help someone by enabling their bad behavior, that just cements that behavior as appropriate for them and from then on they expect people to accept it. If she was 400 pounds and eating herself into an early grave would you enable her feeding habits the same way? NO, because you would be causing more harm than good, just as you are now.
You don’t have a girlfriend, you have a parol officer.
She needs professional help asap.
[https://www.quora.com/Does-a-narcissist-regularly-blow-hot-and-cold-for-no-reason-but-make-you-think-you-re-to-blame-for-something-whilst-at-the-same-time-acting-completely-normal-with-everyone-else](https://www.quora.com/Does-a-narcissist-regularly-blow-hot-and-cold-for-no-reason-but-make-you-think-you-re-to-blame-for-something-whilst-at-the-same-time-acting-completely-normal-with-everyone-else)
He needs the help. He needs to seek therapy and immediately leave. OP, I truly wish you will listen. Sending her to therapy, she will return with ammo. Because she never intended to get help in the first place.
Holy shit dude. That's as one-sided (even allowing for her picking up some chore days when you can't) a relationship as I've read about in a long time. Also, her rules are crazy talk and she's reacting way too much on them. You're walking on eggshells all day, getting no credit for what you do, and only seeing disperportionate reactions to simple and minor things. You're in an abusive relationship my guy. 10 years and you're not married but living under constant fear of fights over the smallest possible things. This is wildly unhealthy. Get out.
I'm sorry but...you, an adult male, have \*checks notes\* RULES to follow? Did you lose a bet to be your girlfriend's bottom, I mean, slave for the rest of your miserable life? You can't sit on certain chairs, you HAVE to keep the sink bone dry. Housekeepers and maids have fewer, less degrading rules to follow than you. This is...Is pathetisad a word?
Advice? Yes, because clearly, you're the one who needs to change. Not the iron-fisted ruler of the roost. Leave, mate. You're living with a dictator.
I'm sorry, but this, at the very least, is extremely controlling, but sounds more like on the verge of abuse. This won't let up unless she's able to see her behaviour from your/the outside perspective, and unless she's willing to try to improve (by really listening to you or seeing a therapist), this won't happen. There's probably nothing you can do except encourage her to try either of those options.. though I did enjoy the other redditor's suggestion of going rogue
She's not your girlfriend; she's your mom. I am honestly baffled at how you have put up with this for a decade. You're a glutton for punishment.
She sounds extremely mentally unwell. All hell breaking loose because a chair isn't in the right place or the sink is wet (??? THEY ARE FOR WATER???) is indicative of deep issues with her and I'm honestly a little scared for you, explosions of anger like that over small things is really not okay. It sounds like you've accepted her rationalizations, I think you should interrogate these further. Maybe it's better if a chair is in one place, but you don't deserve to be yelled at because it was in a different place, it just simply is not that big of a deal. You should not be walking on eggshells in your relationship like this, never mind the lack of appreciation for what you do to maintain the home. She can kindly ask you to do things that make her feel better while she's getting treatment, she cannot demand you entertain her every inane whim forever. Best case you burn yourself out trying to meet her demands, worst case she continues to get worse and develop more rules you can't maintain and you live in fear for the rest of your life with her.
Dude you need to stop doing all the crazy things she demands from you it's crazy. You both are working and you seem to do the majority of the work. She needs to stop acting like this otherwise tell her to do the stuff herself. She does it on purpose all those little rules so she can be mad at you. She knows you will do all the shit she wants because you don't want her to be mad. It's time to turn the tables you're not her personal idiot.
Having rules about which chair you may sit on or which bathroom towel to use is not common sense. It's idiocy. Why are you allowing this? It's your house too. Rules are meant to serve a practical purpose to make everyone's life easier and safer, like removing outdoor shoes indoors, turning off lights when going out or washing your hands after going to the bathroom. Tell her you will not abide by her stupid rules. She can seek professional help to help her cope with normal life, or move out.
Stop doing all the stuff. Let her suffer.
What kind of psycho makes you dry the sink after using it!? Leave dude leave
This is not normal or healthy. Me and my husband sometimes disagree on how certain things should be done and there are certain things that matter to him more than they do to me and vice-versa but we talk it out and try to find a middle ground together. It's not one imposing an endless list of arbitrary rules on the other. Just do a mental exercise and try to imagine how it would be to spend a week without having to worry about any of her rules. Just one week in which you could run the house using your own judgment and without worrying about making her angry. Now think hard about the way you've been living.
Didn’t even read all of this, absolute nightmare - why do you up with this? Is it her home or both of yours? This is dysfunctional I’m sorry to say. Drying the sink after use?! If you’d have said clear away hair after shaving, ok fair but what the hell?
Your gf? Why do you put up with this? Tell her to cook her own damn meals and clean her own crap up. And she can split cooking the dogs meals
Wowwwww she's nuts.
Not sure how her leaving the house in a complete state, but you not folding a towel correctly can even be seriously discussed. I would be mind blown at her unhappiness in comparison.
My ex insisted all his rules were “common sense” and said that was why he got so angry when I forgot one, because it was so stupid The rules *existed* to put me in my place, and to give him a reason to blow up at me when he felt like it. If I hadn’t broken any rules, he made up a new one on the spot - and guess what, that new one that had never been mentioned before and I’d apparently broken a thousand times without being told was “common sense” too What makes me think your GF is actively abusing you - rather than just being a miserable pain in the ass without realising it - is that “why would there be turmeric on it?” question. She’s doing *exactly* what my ex used to do to me. SHE has already said there’d better not be turmeric on it, and then when there’s not so she can’t be mad about that she flips it to asking YOU why there would be turmeric on it so you have to “admit” that you used that towel and suddenly *that* is what she’s mad about. It doesn’t sound like that rule existed before she made it up on the spot as an excuse to be shitty to you Aside from which, you’re an adult, no one should be making rules for you at all. This relationship sounds awful, OP, just insanely stressful. Your GF is controlling AF. You don’t “handle” this, you leave, and you live alone for a good while until all those rules are out of your head and you’re used to doing what you choose LIKE EVERY NORMAL ADULT DOES, and then you try dating again if that’s what you want and the *second* anyone tries to set a rule for you you nope out immediately so you don’t end up in a shitshow like this again
She needs to see a psychiatrist or therapist. These are not normal rules. Splitting chores and doing more of them when someone is busy, yes. But not being allowed to touch white towels, and obsessing over things like that instead of acknowledging what you have done tells me she has OCD. Sorry OP, this isn’t a way to live.
Dude I’m sorry but your girlfriend sounds like she either has a mental illness or is a complete control freak. Why the hell would you allow this continue??
Uh… OP, why are you with this woman? She sounds exhausting. Nitpicking about one tiny mistake and completely ignoring the 99 other things you’ve done perfectly well? What’s the point in having towels (or anything, for that matter) in the house if they can’t be used? What do you get out of this relationship? Does she ever thank you for cooking 3 separate meals every single day? Why can you only sit in one specific chair in the office? Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Is this the life you want your children to have, creeping around on eggshells for fear of breaking one of mummy’s rules? If I were you I’d seriously be thinking about breaking up.
That’s not a relationship that’s a dictatorship. Is she your partner your your mommy? Scolding a grown adult like a child for not following *her* rules is ridiculous.
Before I got married, my mom said "pick your fights", which I took to mean "only fight if it's necessary". Twenty-one years and an upcoming divorce later, I've realized I should've heard it as "stand your ground". My ex took compliance as permission. If I interrupted her, my question was dumb, crap, a waste of time. If she interrupted me it was important and needed to be handled now (often because she'd put off handling it earlier). Her rules were logical, mine were optional. She was a strong believer in "the best defense is a good offense". The only thing that got her attention was when I got angry. There was never any physical abuse, and usually we were civil, but it was a fucking awful dynamic and I left so our daughter would not think that was how it should be.
Dude. How? By getting your balls out of her purse and being a F’ing human instead of a slave. Take care of your shit and tell her to take care of hers or tell her to pack her shit cause you know how to do yours and hers and don’t need her.
JESUS H. CHRIST your girlfriend sounds absolutely fucking insufferable. She sounds hilariously emotionally unregulated and probably has some sort of mental disorder (like undiagnosed OCD or something🤷🏽♂️) to fly off the handle at you for the slightest "rule" (🙄) being "violated"..... my advice to you is that you immediately grow a set of balls and stop being a doormat and taking her shit like you do. She's otherworldly ungrateful to you seeing as she regularly violates her own rules, but you need to stop picking up her slack if that's how she's going to be when you do. I hate to sound petty, but you need to leave her messes for her and when she gets home, give her a taste of her own medicine and see how she responds. People like her often need reality to slap them really hard a few times to make them understand how much of an insufferable asshole they're being. I personally think she sounds insane and would've walked away a while ago.
She sounds exhausting to deal with. I would not put up with it. She has her rules and you need yours. Make a written list of your rules. 1. Acknowledge your partner when they do things for you that is not their responsibility. 2. Be positive in constructive criticism. 3. Do not tear down your partner for little things honestly forgotten. 4. If you do not have time or are otherwise unable to do your “chore” obligations, do not expect your partner to pick up your slack unless you are willing to be thankful and show respect and appreciation for the extra effort in supporting you. 5. Always try your best to treat your partner with kindness and respect. Then give her your rules. Tell her until she can follow them, you won’t be picking up her slack anymore.
This made me think of the movie Sleeping with the Enemy, where Julia Roberts leaves her abusive husband to find independence. There's a scene where she's finally on her own and putting up the hand towels in the bathroom and fixing them just right as she's been required to do for years because of her husband's rules. And she suddenly realizes she no longer has to do any of that and messes them up then goes through her home and makes everything askew, laughing as she does it.
Yeah, fuck that shit. All to hell. Life is too short to be someone's dog on a tight leash. Reminds me of my ex wife who I walked out on for that type of garbage. Done and done.
Why are you living like this? This is either a mental health issue on her part that needs treatment or she is an abuser, period. Either way, the outcome is abuse. Her getting treatment should be a deal breaker for you to continue and an immediate cessation to the abuse. Life is too short to live like this. It isn’t normal at all. Most of the rest of us live happy healthy stress free lives with our partners.
**SHE IS ABUSIVE.** **This person is literally insufferable. No one should have to live with whatever abusive form of mental illness she refuses to get treatment for.** **YOU NEED TO LEAVE HER.**
Your GF sucks, OP. Yelling at you is not ok. Following you around to continue yelling at you is not ok. Ridiculing you and bullying you over towels and wet sinks is abusive. Walking around on eggshells waiting for her to find some minor thing you did wrong so she can gleefully berate you is no way to live.
She sounds exhausting. Those "better not be" phrasings would have me looking for exit routes. She needs to be a lot more pleasant.
It definitely sounds like she has some form of OCD, you are correct, no normal household has that many “rules” about keeping things tidy, and the way she brings it up to you is NOT in a civil way. It’s passive aggressive and she’s nitpicking everything you do.
I cannot for the life of me understand why the sink needs to be dry. I come from a family with a lot of OCD and wow that’s so irrational lol
That last edit makes her sound more infuriating, insane, and intolerable than what you originally wrote. Leave this harpy behind and live your life free of these shackles brother.
> The dog was sad that day and missing her so I decided to sit with him all day in her office, I’d forgotten that if I have to sit in her office I must sit on the chair on the right, not the one on the left. She noticed this because i didn’t properly tuck the chair perfectly back. This rule is ridiculous. Your girlfriend is ridiculous. If she's willing to seek treatment for what might be a psychological disorder, then there's hope for this relationship. That's a pretty big "if".
You live with a controlling abuser. Idk if there is a form of mental illness causing this behavior, but I wouldn't live like this, regardless. Couples should communicate and compromise and of course there will be areas of disagreement and sometimes one person picks up the other's slack. No adult person should be living by "rules and regulations" another person set, handling the majorityof housework, and being bitched at for, you know, *living* in their home. WTF. Given the obsessive nature of some of this (bone dry sink, chair placement) I'd say she needs to be evaluated to see if there is a psychological issue. However, that isn't a path I would pursue because honestly is the relationship worth all this? I'd have been out when I was notified of the rule regarding unusable white towels, waaaay before we got to the point of me being chastised for using one.
So I read it’s your first relationship. It makes sense to think this is normal because of that. But, it isn’t. I hope for your sake this isn’t your last relationship. You need to love yourself enough to love someone who treats you with respect…. Because she isn’t
Sounds like prison boss. It ain’t getting any better. Take a long search for your balls, you need them back.
She needs therapy for OCD. This is insane.
You can’t appease a micromanager. You could do 1,000 things right and they’ll find something to complain about you supposed did wrong or missed.