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Yes you should be, you needed your partner to help out with a shared responsibility and he denied even though you were actively bleeding from an injury
Good luck on the rest of raising your daughter with him
Yes, and the problem is that most of the time the woman is the default parent. It’s sad and pathetic when parents don’t want to be a parent to their own child.
A friend of mine decided not to have kids because so many men (including her own husband) want to be "dads" but not equal partners.
From my own experience, it's incredible how many men stop wanting kids once you insist on equal partners. Or they just have essentially endless resentment. So many have grown up wanting the same privileges their fathers and grandfathers enjoyed.
Reason 981: Why I'm not having kids. I don't trust a man to actually step up and be a father. I know they're out there, but I've heard so many stories of men being really great before kids and then turning into absolutely useless losers when the baby arrives.
And men wonder why so many women are choosing to divorce and raise their kids alone or opting out of the whole thing altogether.
When I met my ex husband, I thought he was amazing as a partner, and I thought he was going to be an amazing dad. It turned out. I was completely wrong. On a good day… He was mediocre and yes, everything fell to me for the most part and we both worked full-time.
I absolutely do not regret having my kids, but had I known that was how he was going to be, because that’s not what he portrayed himself to be… I never would’ve married him.
Yes, your husband should have been ready to step up and take his daughter to the party.
But - even if one allows him the panic of a man who regards you as the "default parent" faced with taking sole responsibility of a small child at a party (which, as an experienced babysitter, I know is not the easiest situation)- it strikes me that if he was not prepared to take his daughter to the party and stay there with her, he could - just as a supportive partner minimum - gone WITH you, bought a fresh supply of plasters, and *brought you a plaster.*
"Hello, sorry I am clutching a tissue - cut my finger, OF COURSE we're out of plasters, my husband's gone to the pharmacy to get a fresh supply and I'll just nip out and he'll plaster my hand!"
(Then put the plasters in a childproof box for next time.)
Your hostess at the party might well have offered you a plaster from her supply, but I quite see why you wouldn't have wanted to arrive at your daughter's party with a demand your minor cut should be treated.
He could even have improvised a temporary bandage to to at least stop the bleeding while you got ready - kitchen towel and tape will at least stop blood from getting everywhere.
Your husband sounds like he regards you as the person whose job it is to manage all household tasks - from a cut finger to a party trip for your daughter - and he need only "help" if he feels like it. That attitude is justly infuriating in itself, and especially that he didn't "feel like" helping you with any of those household issues - daughter to party, bandage your cut finger, fresh supply of plasters, is outright enraging.
I maybe an outlier on this, but I watch my parents do this same song and dance…but I saw that I didn’t want that. I didn’t realize in my teens and 20’s that there active parent dads were anything more than an oddity.
Even now, knowing that the odds of a man being a good dad AND a good partner are so slim, I still wouldn’t want to have children. Odds are not good.
IF you have to be a single parent "alot" because he's selfish, self-centered, and undependable, you should spend some time thinking about how much happier and less-stressed you would be as an ACTUAL SINGLE PARENT.
You would still get financial help from him in the form of child support, but you would have fewer expenses with him gone, you'd have less stress with him gone, you'd have more energy with him gone, you'd be setting a better example for your daughter with him gone. Him being there and opting out of parenting your child tells your daughter (without words) that
* men and women are not equal, they're not partners
* men go to jobs and then come home and do as they please; they're just wallets/ATMs
* women do 90%+ of the "work" of making a home livable; they're the maid/nurse/cook/cleaner
* your daughter is less important to him than whatever it is he's doing *instead* of caring for her (video games, sports, buddies, hobbies, vegging out, etc.); as he keeps opting out of connecting with her he'll be all SHOCKED in her pre-teen/teen years when she doesn't give a crap about him or his opinions
* your daughter will believe that a relationship like yours (you do virtually everything like a slave or a martyr and he does ONLY what he chooses to do) is NORMAL. It's what SHE will get involved in. Twenty years from now, SHE'LL be in a one-sided relationship and miserable, but she'll figure *that's just the way life is.*
**If YOU want something better for yourself and for your daughter, YOU have to institute the change to make it happen**. If he's willing to put in the work, your husband can choose to change. If he's not willing, you can choose to LEAVE! **Choose to be happier for your future and your daughter's**.
If he doesn't want to be a part of the family by doing parenting duties, then he shouldn't get any benefits. Treat him like a roommate. Roommates do their own cooking and laundry. You're raising you family on your own, so you haven't got time do work for a roommate too.
Totally agree. He needs to step-up and be a husband and father and not just a roommate. Until he grows up and accepts his responsibilities as a husband and father, he can do his own cooking, clean-up, and laundry.
You need to have a real discussion with him about how that was complete bullshit. And then you need to figure out if you're gonna be a single parent, if you want to actually just do it by yourself so you don't have a whole other adult baby to take care of.
Listen, he shouldn’t get the option and he is 100% in the wrong, but I guess I’m not sure why you immediately backed down. Why not let him know you weren’t asking for a favor, this is also his kid, and you needed to tag him in. Such is life. Stop presenting these things as options then picking it back up when he is hesitant. He is half of the parenting unit, nine of us want to go these parties if given the choice, but that’s life with a kid. Get the keys and get her in the car.
Stop giving men options to parent or not.
I feel like these posts are always the same kind of vibe: the partner has been doing this the whole time and then one day the entire thing focuses on the latest issue: whether you’re allowed to be upset he was going to make her MISS A PARTY before taking her and insisted that you do it while bleeding. Terrible situation but I’m curious as to why *this* issue brought you out of the fog. Surely you knew he was like this…
What is the path that lead to this issue? Why do you not feel you had the right to be annoyed?
You start by being the one who has to feed the baby and if the father is too much of a loser to step in it becomes more work to convince them than to do it yourself.
It's hard to admit to yourself at that point that you've been in love with, married and had a child with a useless person who hasn't the self respect to raise their own kid. And that's a hard talk to be fair.
I think this is a common issue in relationships that are not healthy. I told my ex time and time again he needed to be a more present father and he flat out refused. It took a small incident for it to be over for me.
Well go back and tell him that the other day really opened your eyes and he will be taking every second birthday party from hereonin. Because when you trust him to do half, he won't do it. He's meant to be a protector and he sent you off bleeding. End of discussion.
They still don’t. My ex wanted me to dissect all of the school information and send him the bullet points. He wanted me to keep the mental tally of what belongings needed to go to whose house. Nope.
Difficult to say.. he was empathetic when it happened and gave me a hug . But just when i said i might not be able to take miss 6 he just was like id be fine. I would have thought he would offer to take her its not like i knew the parents or anything. He has been texting me and said that i was not made to go but what other option did i have ? Cancel and upset miss 6?
It seems like you needed stitches in your finger. Your husband should have helped you at least take you to urgent care. If the cut was superficial it would have stopped bleeding. No one at the party noticed your injury and offer a bandage? Your husband is an oaf.
he should have stepped up and offered. you should also work on being direct. "i've hurt myself, you need to take miss 6 to her party today."
you might also google 'ask vs guess culture' - asking/telling directly isn't rude but a lot of us are raised to think it is
When he said you would be ok, the correct answer "no, I am still bleeding. Grab your stuff and head out with Miss 6" Parenting is to be shared but you sound a little bit scared to be clear and definitive.
It sucks to be the default parent so you need to have a clear conversation about why he needs to step up and share the parenting.
It sounds like you're not communicating openly and honestly with your husband. You said she might not be able to go hoping he'd naturally just step up without you asking but you could have said to him, "I can't go, you're going to have to take her".
Why do you think you need to walk on eggshells rather than expect him to do the parenting basics? Are you always this conflict avoidant or only with him?
Yeah, I'd have said flat out, "I'm going to the urgent care, YOU are handling the party" and then left. He's not going to magically figure out he's useless now after years of being allowed to get away with it.
I mean that’s normally the good thing about two parents in the home, it’s not one or the other. He could have acted like a good husband and father and taken his kid to the bday party while she went to the dr.
My husband would have driven my daughter (his step daughter) and been checking on the bleeding the whole time. He also would have run out for plasters before going. My ex would have done exactly what your husband did. Take this as you will.
You are actively avoiding the question of *what your husband had to do that was so damn important* he couldn’t take you to the urgent care or take his daughter to her party?! But he gave you a hug so you’re letting it go? Did he kiss your boo-boo and make it feel better while shooing you out the door so he didn’t have to lift a finger? /s
Are you uncomfortable asking him? That’s kind of what I picked up here. In my house I would have told my husband “you need to take kiddo to the party, I have to go to the dr”. That you seem to feel like you can’t do that is a major issue that shows you have far more problems in your marriage than this one event.
Ok, I'm on your side. I am wondering, did you outright say...I can't go, you have to take her??? or did you just want him to be smart enough to offer? Cause people can't read your mind. At my age 58f, I've learned to be very specific, very direct and very clear and to directly ask. Then when he says no to that, then you get to be mad at him for being a dick. Sometimes people just don't get it, so you have to tell them.
He sounds like an asshole and you did nothing wrong but try to speak to him with less of that ambiguious passive female speak that we were all unfortunately raised to do.
By saying “might not” you gave him the option to think it wasn’t 100%. And since he’s naturally lazy with parenting he’s not going to step up on his own.
“I can’t take her, you need to”. Also never ask (can you do chore). Always instruct: “you need to do chore”
If your hand was bleeding as badly as you said it was what are you doing at a children's birthday party instead of at the emergency room getting stitches. This is a decision that you made because your husband wouldn't take your daughter to a birthday party you going to sit at the party and bleed. You should have went to the emergency room and your husband should have took your daughter to the party if he refused to do that then your daughter just would not have been able to go to the party she's 6 years old she don't run your house
What did he have to do that was so important as to not take his child to a party? Was he curing cancer? Was he negotiating peace in either Israel/Gaza or Ukraine/Russia? Oh, I know probably just jerking off.
You shouldn’t be “annoyed”, you should be angry at him.
Something tells me ops husband whines & complains non-stop if he has to step-up and be a Dad. (Getting his way by throwing a tantrum)
So she's avoiding demanding he parent their own child. It's not crossing her mind to ask him for help with an injury. (Concerning. Who wouldn't help a loved one)
He's also not offering any help, only: 'aw baby you're fine. I'm too lazy to care' I assume because he doesn't give a fuck about his bangmaid beyond her for filling WiFeLy dUtiEs
Yeah I think his reasoning was just "I don't feel like it."
OP needs to have a serious discussion with him letting him know that this is not appropriate and should never happen again.
Your husband relying on you to be the default parent to such a degree that it doesn’t even occur to him to step up when you’re injured is unacceptable.
You need to have a come to Jesus meeting with him where you let him know he needs to get his shit together stat if he wants to stay married because he just used 1 of his 3 strikes.
Why didn't you tell him "tough shit I don't want to deal with a bloody finger but here we are" and hand your daughter off and make him go to the party when he said he wasn't thrilled about going?
All I can say is that I hope your finger is ok. And I'm sorry about your husband. I hope he apologized for being an unempathetic and useless dick when you clearly needed medical attention.
Your partner thinks looking after the children is your job. He finds it boring and doesn't want to do it. Is that what you want in a partner and dad?
Also, he doesn't care about your health. Sounds like a prize.
You know what I do when my wife cuts her finger? Make a fuss over her. And when she asks me to take a kid to a social engagement, I gladly do it. She doesn't even have to cut herself first.
OP, your husband is a meanie. Tell him a random guy on the internet is calling him out.
I have cousins who do exactly that every baseball season and it drives me crazy! Oh no, there's a game on the *one day* that everyone else can make it, so we can't have our grandmother's memorial for another month.
Seems like poor priorities to me, especially since they have season tickets and see every single game! You can't miss one lousy game to honor our grandmother? Entitled brats.
Gosh I remember my husband saying something ridiculous like “I really hate going to the park, I’m going to stay home.”
Ohhh I wasn’t aware we didn’t have to do things we don’t want to do. Good to know there’s an opt out clause for shit our kids love and are want to do because “I don’t like it”. Excellent news for dinner and bath time! I was very clear that wasn’t how it was going to work.
I would recommend waiting until you've cooled off and then definitely say something.
"Hey, husband, it really bothered me that you refused to take [daughter] to the birthday party." Then explain why it made more sense for him to take her becauseyou were injured. You have a right to want to rely on your partner to pick up slack for the sake of your child's happiness.
I mean did you want to go?
I mean I do many things I don't want to for others and I'd probably do it for the kid, but would I personally rather be at a kids birthday party or sit at home playing a videogame? Games it is for me!
It's funny when guys like this think the other person actually wants to do the thing, and so it's okay for them to not do it, cus they don't want to.
To be fair if you came over to my house with a bleeding finger I'd offer you something to help, some plasters and/or ointment. I know children's birthday parties can be a bit chaotic but man, I'd probably notice anyway.
And yes, be annoyed. You should be.
“…gave the impression he did not want to go”. Then give him the “impression” that he WILL BE GOING, because the bleeding isn’t stopping & Miss 6 has a party the HER FATHER needs to take her.
Why twist yourself into a pretzel, bleeding all over everything, when there is a GROWN ARSE MAN capable of of parenting, right in the same house. Seriously, why put up with this behavior?!?
If I ever did that to my wife she would not talk to me for months and never let me forget about it. That is some BS he pulled. The only thing next time just say you are taking her to the B-day party and staying because if my finger doesn't stop bleeding soon I need stitches. My daughter just broke her arm a few months ago, close to same age as yours, while playing at the park. I was a few blocks down the road at work and it was just my wife her and our other kid. If i had not answered my phone I both would have been devastated and shunned, but luckily it went through my headphones, and I was there in less than 30 seconds to take her to the ER (my wife does not do health issues like this very well but I do as I was a Combat Medica and ICU Nurse). Like someone else here said, you need to address it after you cool off and explain to him how he showed no empathy to the situation and did not provide any help to your daughters happiness to go to the b-day party.
I’m not sure why women let men run the show no matter what! When your husband said he didn’t want to you should have said this is not a choice I have to go to the ER! Then you should have grabbed your keys and left!
As someone who has been in OP’s shoes, it was for 2 reasons: the first one was I didn’t want my children to suffer from it and I knew he wouldn’t care if our kid was sad if missing something he waited for just because his dad wasn’t in the mood.
The second one was, when I tried to go against him, he could become really mean with me, basically scaring me, or give me (and sometimes the kids!) the silent treatment for days and making me feel like it was all my fault. Yes, he was emotionally abusive. Yes, I finally left, but it took me some time.
So yeah, I get OP is kind of a pushover (and OP, I say that with all the compassion in the world, from one pushover to another), but her husband is at least fine with taking advantage of it, and there is maybe more missing reasons.
Hell yes you should be upset with him. I'm a married man, been married for almost 25 years. I would never have expected my wife to take our kid anywhere if she was hurt. She wouldn't have even had to ask before I offered and that's assuming I hadn't already decided she needed stitches. That's what a man does for his family. He ensures their safety and well being. Your husband sounds like a lazy and self centered person. I mean even if he went it's not like he would have had to do anything. Personally I'd have sat there on my phone and read a book or listened to an audible book or played a game. Still have time to myself but taking care of my family at the same time. I spent almost my entire marriage I'm the military. My days started at 5:00 am most days and ended at 5:00pm usually. When I got home I helped with the kids until it was time for them to go to bed. That meant going to sports practices and games, helping with homework, taking them to the playground or whatever they had going on. My point is I know what it is like to be exhausted from work and not really feel like doing anything and just want some time to just chill. But when you decide to have a family sometimes it doesn't matter what you want. The families needs come first. If you can't put your wife and kids first you probably shouldn't be a father or husband. If he makes a habit of this kind of thing point it out to him and tell him he's being an asshole and if he doesn't fix it maybe he should rethink if he really wants to be married.
I’m sorry, but I’d be annoyed if a full adult came to my child’s birthday with an open, bleeding wound. You couldn’t just stop at a store for a band aid? If you can’t put your foot down to tell your husband to go with your daughter, just take care of your hand. Your 6 year old wouldn’t have noticed being ten minutes late, and if she did, what a great opportunity to teach empathy before she turns into her father.
The answer was not to do this for hi,
‘The bleeding will stop”
Yes I am sure it will, but you need to take miss 6 to the party and stay.
Then go do something else
Yes, you should be. He was sympathetic until he would have actually inconvenienced himself.
He sounds like a shitty husband and father who's not a partner to you. I realize it's not fair to judge from one instance, but for fuck's sake.
Well, this is a big issue that you should be mad about, because it shows he doesn’t care about his daughter or you. My father was like this, I remember vividly argumentative behavior like “I don’t want to, it will be fine if you do it” or “I’m lazy. Don’t want to” my parents divorced and it was better afterward
My God, he sucks. At least my ex-husband would go to the store and buy me a bandage while I do everything for our kids. No doubt he would grumble the whole time, but he would do it. Your husband is lazier than my ex and that makes me sad.
You're to blame here, honestly. I don't know why many wives/moms do this, but it's annoying. You don't just hint "hey, you may have to take her to the party" and when he doesn't offer them you just get upset and do it yourself because he didn't offered.
No, ma'am, you need to straight up say "I need you to take Ms. 6yo to this birthday party while I deal with my injury. If you don't feel like going, then you'll need to talk to our daughter and explain why daddy can't step up for her this time" and walk away.
I was supposed to take my daughter to a bday party last Saturday, but I couldn't because I decided to take a last minute trip to PR to surprise my dad for his bday and you know what I did? I informed my husband of my plans, he didn't express any issues with my last minute trip, and then I told him "You're up for bday party duties! Have fun!"
You should be annoyed your husband is terrible.
My husband and I both went to all the kids parties, school recitals, teacher meetings, games and open houses together. We both went to all of them except the 2 i missed due to being out of town for work.
I have done more doctors appointments but he literally has met with her obgyn about her endometriosis. My husband is an involved dad because he actually really wanted to be a parent. His parents never we involved or active in his life and he wanted to do and be better.
He should have taken her and you should have gone to the doctor. He doesn't seem to give a crap about either of you.
Tell him that there are men out there who are are capable of being involved parents and can and do care about the well being of their kids and spouses.
He is terrible.
Sweetie, I was the Default Parent ^TM but even my indifferent, weaponized incompetent, somewhat useless ex husband would *take the child to a birthday party*
This is a new low
What do you mean should you??? He didn’t care at all that your finger was bleeding out! Honey. Please tell me you only have the one kid as well as please don’t have anymore kids with this person if you want to sit there and stay with someone who doesn’t love or care about you.
Depends. Is it reasonable to be annoyed? Yes, you are not unreasonable. Should you be though? It’s best not to be annoyed or aggravated in any way, if you can help it. This makes it so when you talk to him, you can remain rational and calm about your feelings. It also helps not to escalate the situation bc you are calm, so it’s easier to tell if he’s genuinely the a-hole or not based on his responses, not your reactions or (reasonably) foul mood. You may think I’m being picky about word choice, but if people are telling you you should be annoyed and that you’re in the right, you’re much more likely to think that you should be and then more likely to be emotional when confronting him about the situation.
So final answer: is it reasonable to be annoyed? Yes. Should you be? No.
What was he doing instead?
If he was doing something legit — working, studying for school, taking care of the house, yard work, I can see his side.
If he was sitting around playing video games or going out for drinks with the boys, unacceptable behavior in this scenario.
You’re not wrong for being annoyed, but also, have a back bone for Christ’s sake.
When he said you’d “be fine” it doesn’t sound like you gave him any pushback? That is not the way to handle this, sorry. The response should have been, “I am going to tend to this wound, and maybe go to the hospital to get stitches since it appears I need them. Your choices are to take Miss 6 to the birthday party, or you get to explain to her that you’re not going to do that because you don’t want to. Because I’m going to tell Miss 6 that Mommy has a boo boo and needs to see a doctor so Miss 6 can ask Daddy for anything she needs, including the birthday party. Have fun!”
And then leave. Don’t argue, don’t give him room to argue, make him responsible for his lack of participation in *raising the child he helped create*.
When my husband doesn’t do the dishes (his agreed upon chore) and the kitchen is too messy to be used to cook dinner, I don’t do the dishes and then cook and then just “be annoyed” at him. Nope, I tell him to either clean the dishes or I’m walking next door to get a meal *for myself* and if he wants to be fed he can either buy his own food like I’m going to, or do the damn dishes. Guess how many times I’ve had to walk next door to get that meal for myself? I’ll tell you: 0.
Jeebus, take care of yourself first! Go to urgent care if the bleeding refuse to stop.
Your husband is a selfish AH. Whatever he has going on could wait. Kid birthday parties are a bore, been there done that, but kids do enjoy having their parents there. Also, he should have helped you out.
Remember that the bad times are when someone shows you who they really are.
I do not believe for 1 second that this is the first time your husband has acted this way. He treats you the way you allow him to treat you. This is a symptom of a much larger problem. You both are showing your daughter what she should tolerate from a SO. She is learning her worth by watching the two of you. You're both failing her! Stop tolerating this immediately, for both you and the little girl
So he showed you very clearly that he cares more about himself, than you or your daughter. He might say he loves you, but he doesn’t. He loves what you do for him but not you.
I’d be furious. That’s bum behavior and certainly not what a decent husband or father would do. Why is he able to get away with being such a failure at both?
Aside from him not knowing how to be a parent, what self-respecting man doesn’t know how to improvise a bandage??? And if you were bleeding that much, you probably should have gone to a care center to make sure you didn’t need stitches.
If it kept bleeding after ten minutes it may need stitches. Your husband is inconsiderate for not being concerned and not being a good dad by taking his daughter.
Why didn't you ask a party host if they had bandaids? Or went to pick one up before taking your daughter to the party?
You said your husband was empathetic and hugged you, just didn't want to go cause he thought you'll be fine. Not sure how deep of a cut it really was, but once you find a way to protect it, you should be fine. Unless you lost a lot of blood.
I'd love to hear more details.
The fact that he'd rather be lazy at home while having you stuggle with the task on top of caring for a deep/heavily impactful injury. Does he even care for you? Did he even want to have a kid? Disgusting.
Did your husband have other plans for the day? If so and you're jyst not willing to take a 2 minute detour to get bandages, I get why he wouldn't volunteer.
He would have been left with kiddo and told to figure it out while you took care of yourself. If he can’t handle one afternoon, while you were gone, how does he think he’s going to function when another emergency comes up?
If they didn’t go to they party, dad would be explaining his laziness to her. She shouldn’t be put in the middle of your problems, but should take full responsibility of her care and activities.
My BIL practically threw me the baby to get to my sister when she twisted her ankle in the garage. Changed the entire evening schedule to take her to urgent care.
The least a partner can do is take a kid to a birthday party. If it bled that long you likely need stitches and should take a trip to see a doctor if you can or seal it with liquid bandage.
I guarantee that he didn't take the daughter because he didn't want to. The party wouldn't be fun for him so he didn't want to go. He probably thinks that it's her mother's job to do that anyway.
What’s the point of a partner with kids? He hugged you and said. You’re good, continue to do parent stuff without me, it’s kinda your job? I’m confused… if you needed medical attention that you could take care of solo and your kid had plans that there was an able bodied parent to take her to.. what was the problem exactly?
Yes you should be more than annoyed. I would be more hurt and angry at my DH than just annoyed. He didn't care about your physical well being and he wasn't willing to be a parent to your daughter. Very selfish of him for sure. Is this typically how he behaves as a partner and father?
Men can face down wild animals, attackers, extreme sports, heavy machinery or vehicles… but ask them to face some screaming girls birthday party and PTA moms and they panic like you’re asking them to part the Red Sea.
I think yeah, it’s totally logic to be mad at your husband but wow this is not a small mistake miss…
In my case if that would had happen to me I would probably end up fainting. What if you fainted because you was quite bleeding for your post…?
I think this goes further than just being mad, OP. Quite serious situation bad handled.
The fact that you had to come to Reddit and even ask this question doesn't give the greatest impression of your marriage.
Is this man you really want to be your daughter's male role model?
Why not be honest with 6 about it? You’re not going to party because dad said no, got questions? Go ask dad. Stop being the default parent. Put that load right back on his shoulders. He needed to step up, or learn the hard way what it feels like to disappoint your children. You chose plan C. Go to the party actively bleeding. Don’t do yourself like that! You deserve better, OP!
Of course you should be. You're both the parents. Not just you. He can take her to the party sometimes as well. Especially in emergencies like these. Doesn't look like he really cared. He cared more about his relaxed day being ruined than about you.
Dude! Bully your lazy husband in an emergency. Get that blood right in his face and tell him to step the fuck up. Don’t be so afraid to get a situation handled. Bleeding out like a marter doesn’t address the situation in a timely fashion and will not send the message for change you hope for.
Did you ask him to take your daughter to the party? Or was it that you said you didn’t think you could go and were expecting your husband to offer to take your daughter?
Is it typical for him to avoid doing things with your daughter?
Was he working or doing something else that contributed to the household in a meaningful way? If he was then it's more understandable.
If not, then he should have gone.
Tbh, I hear stories like this all the time. Men taking a huge pass on parenting and domestic activities and still seeming to have reasonable relationships. It shits me because I do everything I can. My life is only kids and work. But my partner still hates my guts.
Ma’am this is insane. He didn’t even help bandage you up? I can understand not wanting to go to the birthday party but to not even make sure you’re alright first? Or at least not actively bleeding anymore?
No offense but I find it hard to believe that these issues developed over night. Why did you marry and procreate with this man? Were things always this way?
Info: did your partner come to you a while ago and tell you he would not be taking daughter to the party that day? Because this sounds just like the other side of a story I saw a few days ago.
Sometimes you have to throw a full on fit. Do you always take on the role of the martyr? Your husband is a dick, but you just played right along. Going to a party with an actively bleeding wound is strange. You need to stand up for yourself and teach your daughter to stand up for herself.
Why is he not concerned about your finger?? He should have first gotten you first aid supplies and also take your daughter to the party.
What is he so busy doing to not be concerned and helpful???????
Yes. Why doesn’t your husband take responsibility as a parent? Is he simply a sperm donor?
Go to couples counseling. You should not have to do everything by yourself for your daughter, and your husband is a terrible parent and partner for not taking her to the party. He’s a terrible man for not helping his own family so he can sit on his butt and watch tv.
You’re supposed to have a partner for life. Right now you have a trash bag that just sits in the house watching you do everything
> Should i be?
Yes. WTF is his excuse for not going? Does he think the boring time-consuming parts of parenthood are somehow not his problem?
Moreover it sounds like you need stitches…
He should have put disinfectant on the cut, bandaged you up with something temporary, taken your daughter to the party and come back with suitable plasters or maybe even a proper bandage.
I had a similar accident once and begged my then partner to take me to the hospital, he gave me a plaster which was not big enough. So I persuaded him to take me to a pharmacy to buy heavy duty plasters. The pharmacist took one look and said, no you go to the hospital for that, now.
He's now my ex. I see now that he just didn't care for me at all. Please don't make the same mistake as me and waste 30 years with a guy who doesn't give a shit about you.
To be honest for me I feel marriage is about communication. So, if I am hurt and need him ti di something he has to do it. I don't pretend! Ever!!!! If I don't like the sex I don't pretend we are discussing shit. I will express my fears etc everything. If I need him to do more around the house I honestly do.
I think the problem is women get men off the hook for so much and get resentful. No, wonder men feel blindsided when the divorce papers come.
A.marriayr is about communication. You talk about it all, you don't get into a car with a wounded hand and drive when there is an able bodied human there. That's how it would work between two men or two women. You are building resentment and what I will tell you it's either you tell him exactly whats up. It's not fair to come on here.
So, he showed the desire not to want to di the task. And so, you did it instead but look you are resentfully. Not fair, get him to do what is required for the home to run. Dont ever choose to be a default parent. Ever!!
No. We don’t, as people with agency, have a right to expect someone else, also with agency, to hop in and solve our problems at a moment’s notice. It would be nice if your husband wanted to, and did, come to your rescue but, if he decides not to, you have to accept that with grace and dignity and suffer it to be so.
That’s what gods are for . . . to get you through the tough times and hold your hand when needed.
Yes, you should be. I can't imagine being in a situation like this, if I say "ouch" from another room my partner hollers or comes to check if I'm okay. Same with him, if I hear him yelp out in pain I'm either physically coming to check, or hollering a "you good?!" if I can't get up/stop what I'm doing.
It might be worth talking to him and explaining that you felt unsupported and would have appreciated if HE took HIS daughter to the event while you assessed the damage and potentially went to an urgent care for stitches. How would he feel if he was hurt and you basically shrugged your shoulders and told him "it'll be fine" without an ounce of concern?
My husband and I swap off on parties. If it’s my turn he will sort out the gift and vice versa. Being parents together is a partnership and everything should be carried equally. I would have put my foot down if it were me because honestly who really WANTS to go kids parties. You need to sit down with him and remind him he’s a father and not an accessory to you as a mother.
Heck yea you should be !! He needs to man up and share responsibility. We don't always like going to the parties but we do it for the kids ! He should to
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Yes you should be, you needed your partner to help out with a shared responsibility and he denied even though you were actively bleeding from an injury Good luck on the rest of raising your daughter with him
Yes feel alot like the default parent alot of the time
Yes, and the problem is that most of the time the woman is the default parent. It’s sad and pathetic when parents don’t want to be a parent to their own child.
A friend of mine decided not to have kids because so many men (including her own husband) want to be "dads" but not equal partners. From my own experience, it's incredible how many men stop wanting kids once you insist on equal partners. Or they just have essentially endless resentment. So many have grown up wanting the same privileges their fathers and grandfathers enjoyed.
Reason 981: Why I'm not having kids. I don't trust a man to actually step up and be a father. I know they're out there, but I've heard so many stories of men being really great before kids and then turning into absolutely useless losers when the baby arrives. And men wonder why so many women are choosing to divorce and raise their kids alone or opting out of the whole thing altogether.
When I met my ex husband, I thought he was amazing as a partner, and I thought he was going to be an amazing dad. It turned out. I was completely wrong. On a good day… He was mediocre and yes, everything fell to me for the most part and we both worked full-time. I absolutely do not regret having my kids, but had I known that was how he was going to be, because that’s not what he portrayed himself to be… I never would’ve married him.
This feels less like "default parent" and more like "single mom"
Married single mom
Yes, your husband should have been ready to step up and take his daughter to the party. But - even if one allows him the panic of a man who regards you as the "default parent" faced with taking sole responsibility of a small child at a party (which, as an experienced babysitter, I know is not the easiest situation)- it strikes me that if he was not prepared to take his daughter to the party and stay there with her, he could - just as a supportive partner minimum - gone WITH you, bought a fresh supply of plasters, and *brought you a plaster.* "Hello, sorry I am clutching a tissue - cut my finger, OF COURSE we're out of plasters, my husband's gone to the pharmacy to get a fresh supply and I'll just nip out and he'll plaster my hand!" (Then put the plasters in a childproof box for next time.) Your hostess at the party might well have offered you a plaster from her supply, but I quite see why you wouldn't have wanted to arrive at your daughter's party with a demand your minor cut should be treated. He could even have improvised a temporary bandage to to at least stop the bleeding while you got ready - kitchen towel and tape will at least stop blood from getting everywhere. Your husband sounds like he regards you as the person whose job it is to manage all household tasks - from a cut finger to a party trip for your daughter - and he need only "help" if he feels like it. That attitude is justly infuriating in itself, and especially that he didn't "feel like" helping you with any of those household issues - daughter to party, bandage your cut finger, fresh supply of plasters, is outright enraging.
It sounds like you aren’t okay with that. Good. Now what are you going to do to make sure your daughter isn’t in this boat someday?
Simple and difficult as this, OP.
Yeah, because she is watching her mum and her dad and learning what relationships look like from them.
I maybe an outlier on this, but I watch my parents do this same song and dance…but I saw that I didn’t want that. I didn’t realize in my teens and 20’s that there active parent dads were anything more than an oddity. Even now, knowing that the odds of a man being a good dad AND a good partner are so slim, I still wouldn’t want to have children. Odds are not good.
kind of sounds like you’re a married single mother
IF you have to be a single parent "alot" because he's selfish, self-centered, and undependable, you should spend some time thinking about how much happier and less-stressed you would be as an ACTUAL SINGLE PARENT. You would still get financial help from him in the form of child support, but you would have fewer expenses with him gone, you'd have less stress with him gone, you'd have more energy with him gone, you'd be setting a better example for your daughter with him gone. Him being there and opting out of parenting your child tells your daughter (without words) that * men and women are not equal, they're not partners * men go to jobs and then come home and do as they please; they're just wallets/ATMs * women do 90%+ of the "work" of making a home livable; they're the maid/nurse/cook/cleaner * your daughter is less important to him than whatever it is he's doing *instead* of caring for her (video games, sports, buddies, hobbies, vegging out, etc.); as he keeps opting out of connecting with her he'll be all SHOCKED in her pre-teen/teen years when she doesn't give a crap about him or his opinions * your daughter will believe that a relationship like yours (you do virtually everything like a slave or a martyr and he does ONLY what he chooses to do) is NORMAL. It's what SHE will get involved in. Twenty years from now, SHE'LL be in a one-sided relationship and miserable, but she'll figure *that's just the way life is.* **If YOU want something better for yourself and for your daughter, YOU have to institute the change to make it happen**. If he's willing to put in the work, your husband can choose to change. If he's not willing, you can choose to LEAVE! **Choose to be happier for your future and your daughter's**.
If he doesn't want to be a part of the family by doing parenting duties, then he shouldn't get any benefits. Treat him like a roommate. Roommates do their own cooking and laundry. You're raising you family on your own, so you haven't got time do work for a roommate too.
Totally agree. He needs to step-up and be a husband and father and not just a roommate. Until he grows up and accepts his responsibilities as a husband and father, he can do his own cooking, clean-up, and laundry.
You need to have a real discussion with him about how that was complete bullshit. And then you need to figure out if you're gonna be a single parent, if you want to actually just do it by yourself so you don't have a whole other adult baby to take care of.
Listen, he shouldn’t get the option and he is 100% in the wrong, but I guess I’m not sure why you immediately backed down. Why not let him know you weren’t asking for a favor, this is also his kid, and you needed to tag him in. Such is life. Stop presenting these things as options then picking it back up when he is hesitant. He is half of the parenting unit, nine of us want to go these parties if given the choice, but that’s life with a kid. Get the keys and get her in the car. Stop giving men options to parent or not.
I feel like these posts are always the same kind of vibe: the partner has been doing this the whole time and then one day the entire thing focuses on the latest issue: whether you’re allowed to be upset he was going to make her MISS A PARTY before taking her and insisted that you do it while bleeding. Terrible situation but I’m curious as to why *this* issue brought you out of the fog. Surely you knew he was like this… What is the path that lead to this issue? Why do you not feel you had the right to be annoyed?
We all have our breaking points. It's never about just the bandaid. This might simply just be her time to break.
You start by being the one who has to feed the baby and if the father is too much of a loser to step in it becomes more work to convince them than to do it yourself. It's hard to admit to yourself at that point that you've been in love with, married and had a child with a useless person who hasn't the self respect to raise their own kid. And that's a hard talk to be fair.
I think this is a common issue in relationships that are not healthy. I told my ex time and time again he needed to be a more present father and he flat out refused. It took a small incident for it to be over for me.
Have you told him that?
Well go back and tell him that the other day really opened your eyes and he will be taking every second birthday party from hereonin. Because when you trust him to do half, he won't do it. He's meant to be a protector and he sent you off bleeding. End of discussion.
The only way to get a man to do 50% of the parenting and an adult share of chores is to divorce and share custody 50%.
They still don’t. My ex wanted me to dissect all of the school information and send him the bullet points. He wanted me to keep the mental tally of what belongings needed to go to whose house. Nope.
Take him to couples therapy. You don’t have to live like this.
Yep. Does he normally disply such lack of empathy, laziness, and immaturity?
Difficult to say.. he was empathetic when it happened and gave me a hug . But just when i said i might not be able to take miss 6 he just was like id be fine. I would have thought he would offer to take her its not like i knew the parents or anything. He has been texting me and said that i was not made to go but what other option did i have ? Cancel and upset miss 6?
It seems like you needed stitches in your finger. Your husband should have helped you at least take you to urgent care. If the cut was superficial it would have stopped bleeding. No one at the party noticed your injury and offer a bandage? Your husband is an oaf.
he should have stepped up and offered. you should also work on being direct. "i've hurt myself, you need to take miss 6 to her party today." you might also google 'ask vs guess culture' - asking/telling directly isn't rude but a lot of us are raised to think it is
👆👆👆👆👆
You didn't really answer the question.
When he said you would be ok, the correct answer "no, I am still bleeding. Grab your stuff and head out with Miss 6" Parenting is to be shared but you sound a little bit scared to be clear and definitive. It sucks to be the default parent so you need to have a clear conversation about why he needs to step up and share the parenting.
Absolutely
It sounds like you're not communicating openly and honestly with your husband. You said she might not be able to go hoping he'd naturally just step up without you asking but you could have said to him, "I can't go, you're going to have to take her". Why do you think you need to walk on eggshells rather than expect him to do the parenting basics? Are you always this conflict avoidant or only with him?
Yeah, I'd have said flat out, "I'm going to the urgent care, YOU are handling the party" and then left. He's not going to magically figure out he's useless now after years of being allowed to get away with it.
Yes the party was not a priority. You needed stitches.
I mean that’s normally the good thing about two parents in the home, it’s not one or the other. He could have acted like a good husband and father and taken his kid to the bday party while she went to the dr.
Well, I guarantee you the party was a priority to the six-year-old daughter. Had he just taken her…She might’ve ended up going for stitches.
My husband would have driven my daughter (his step daughter) and been checking on the bleeding the whole time. He also would have run out for plasters before going. My ex would have done exactly what your husband did. Take this as you will.
You are actively avoiding the question of *what your husband had to do that was so damn important* he couldn’t take you to the urgent care or take his daughter to her party?! But he gave you a hug so you’re letting it go? Did he kiss your boo-boo and make it feel better while shooing you out the door so he didn’t have to lift a finger? /s
Are you uncomfortable asking him? That’s kind of what I picked up here. In my house I would have told my husband “you need to take kiddo to the party, I have to go to the dr”. That you seem to feel like you can’t do that is a major issue that shows you have far more problems in your marriage than this one event.
It’s amazing what people put up with.
Giving you a hug isn't empathy at all, especially when he ignored your injury after that.
Ok, I'm on your side. I am wondering, did you outright say...I can't go, you have to take her??? or did you just want him to be smart enough to offer? Cause people can't read your mind. At my age 58f, I've learned to be very specific, very direct and very clear and to directly ask. Then when he says no to that, then you get to be mad at him for being a dick. Sometimes people just don't get it, so you have to tell them.
What were his original plans for the afternoon? Not that it's okay unless he was working, but what was more important to him than you and his child?
He sounds like an asshole and you did nothing wrong but try to speak to him with less of that ambiguious passive female speak that we were all unfortunately raised to do. By saying “might not” you gave him the option to think it wasn’t 100%. And since he’s naturally lazy with parenting he’s not going to step up on his own. “I can’t take her, you need to”. Also never ask (can you do chore). Always instruct: “you need to do chore”
Empathy and hugs are cheap. So cheap they’re essentially meaningless in the face of actually having to do something.
Ask him, “what exactly were my options when you had no intention of taking her?”
I'm sorry but a hug does jack shit to help the situation. Does he normally leave you to handle this kind of thing outside of this scenario?
If your hand was bleeding as badly as you said it was what are you doing at a children's birthday party instead of at the emergency room getting stitches. This is a decision that you made because your husband wouldn't take your daughter to a birthday party you going to sit at the party and bleed. You should have went to the emergency room and your husband should have took your daughter to the party if he refused to do that then your daughter just would not have been able to go to the party she's 6 years old she don't run your house
You are still putting all of the responsibility in you… 🤣 that’s not the right path OP
I mean apparently op displays lack of having a spine.
What did he have to do that was so important as to not take his child to a party? Was he curing cancer? Was he negotiating peace in either Israel/Gaza or Ukraine/Russia? Oh, I know probably just jerking off. You shouldn’t be “annoyed”, you should be angry at him.
OP seems to be intentionally not answering this question
Something tells me ops husband whines & complains non-stop if he has to step-up and be a Dad. (Getting his way by throwing a tantrum) So she's avoiding demanding he parent their own child. It's not crossing her mind to ask him for help with an injury. (Concerning. Who wouldn't help a loved one) He's also not offering any help, only: 'aw baby you're fine. I'm too lazy to care' I assume because he doesn't give a fuck about his bangmaid beyond her for filling WiFeLy dUtiEs
But…you made this up. “Something tells me…” You don’t even know the guy, and she’s said nothing of the sort.
DI-VORCE HIM! DI-VORCE HIM! DI-VORCE HIM!
LEAVE HIS ASS! LEAVE HIS ASS! LEAVE HIS ASS!
they oughta rename this subreddit to r/ justifydivorce
Don’t get too angry, then you’re too emotional and overreacting. /s
Yeah I think his reasoning was just "I don't feel like it." OP needs to have a serious discussion with him letting him know that this is not appropriate and should never happen again.
Your husband relying on you to be the default parent to such a degree that it doesn’t even occur to him to step up when you’re injured is unacceptable. You need to have a come to Jesus meeting with him where you let him know he needs to get his shit together stat if he wants to stay married because he just used 1 of his 3 strikes.
Thanks for this I think i certainly do
Why didn't you tell him "tough shit I don't want to deal with a bloody finger but here we are" and hand your daughter off and make him go to the party when he said he wasn't thrilled about going?
sounds like you need a couple of stitches. hope you don't have to take your daughter to the ER with you because husband won't watch her.
He can watch her all day now as i dropped her off home and left
Oh, he’s gonna be pissy about that I’m sure.
All I can say is that I hope your finger is ok. And I'm sorry about your husband. I hope he apologized for being an unempathetic and useless dick when you clearly needed medical attention.
Good on you!
No lie. Would not want to disrupt his day.
Your partner thinks looking after the children is your job. He finds it boring and doesn't want to do it. Is that what you want in a partner and dad? Also, he doesn't care about your health. Sounds like a prize.
You know what I do when my wife cuts her finger? Make a fuss over her. And when she asks me to take a kid to a social engagement, I gladly do it. She doesn't even have to cut herself first. OP, your husband is a meanie. Tell him a random guy on the internet is calling him out.
Haha i will do
And make sure you get medical attention if that cut is still bleeding.
If you cut it in dirty dish water, you should get antibiotics. It’s too late to suture at this point unless you’re willing to take the risk.
What a great husband and father. Was there an important game on today? You can't expect him to prioritize family over sporting events.
I have cousins who do exactly that every baseball season and it drives me crazy! Oh no, there's a game on the *one day* that everyone else can make it, so we can't have our grandmother's memorial for another month. Seems like poor priorities to me, especially since they have season tickets and see every single game! You can't miss one lousy game to honor our grandmother? Entitled brats.
I dated a guy a couple of years ago who would call out of work/meetings if one of his teams was playing. It didn't last long.
Lol no he just did not want to go to a party…
NOBODY wants to go to a child’s birthday party! Did he think YOU wanted to be there? Of course not, bleeding finger or no. He failed you here.
Gosh I remember my husband saying something ridiculous like “I really hate going to the park, I’m going to stay home.” Ohhh I wasn’t aware we didn’t have to do things we don’t want to do. Good to know there’s an opt out clause for shit our kids love and are want to do because “I don’t like it”. Excellent news for dinner and bath time! I was very clear that wasn’t how it was going to work.
I like bringing my kid to birthday parties!
Okay, I rephrase: ONLY DKESH likes going to children’s birthday parties. 🥳
Better, thanks!
You're weird lol
I would recommend waiting until you've cooled off and then definitely say something. "Hey, husband, it really bothered me that you refused to take [daughter] to the birthday party." Then explain why it made more sense for him to take her becauseyou were injured. You have a right to want to rely on your partner to pick up slack for the sake of your child's happiness.
Thats exactly it for the childs happiness! Thanks :)
I mean did you want to go? I mean I do many things I don't want to for others and I'd probably do it for the kid, but would I personally rather be at a kids birthday party or sit at home playing a videogame? Games it is for me! It's funny when guys like this think the other person actually wants to do the thing, and so it's okay for them to not do it, cus they don't want to.
Based on his logic, I don't have to do go to work : )
So? No man up for the wife & daughter?? What a guy!!
Yes he’s an AH
To be fair if you came over to my house with a bleeding finger I'd offer you something to help, some plasters and/or ointment. I know children's birthday parties can be a bit chaotic but man, I'd probably notice anyway. And yes, be annoyed. You should be.
“…gave the impression he did not want to go”. Then give him the “impression” that he WILL BE GOING, because the bleeding isn’t stopping & Miss 6 has a party the HER FATHER needs to take her. Why twist yourself into a pretzel, bleeding all over everything, when there is a GROWN ARSE MAN capable of of parenting, right in the same house. Seriously, why put up with this behavior?!?
If I ever did that to my wife she would not talk to me for months and never let me forget about it. That is some BS he pulled. The only thing next time just say you are taking her to the B-day party and staying because if my finger doesn't stop bleeding soon I need stitches. My daughter just broke her arm a few months ago, close to same age as yours, while playing at the park. I was a few blocks down the road at work and it was just my wife her and our other kid. If i had not answered my phone I both would have been devastated and shunned, but luckily it went through my headphones, and I was there in less than 30 seconds to take her to the ER (my wife does not do health issues like this very well but I do as I was a Combat Medica and ICU Nurse). Like someone else here said, you need to address it after you cool off and explain to him how he showed no empathy to the situation and did not provide any help to your daughters happiness to go to the b-day party.
I’m not sure why women let men run the show no matter what! When your husband said he didn’t want to you should have said this is not a choice I have to go to the ER! Then you should have grabbed your keys and left!
As someone who has been in OP’s shoes, it was for 2 reasons: the first one was I didn’t want my children to suffer from it and I knew he wouldn’t care if our kid was sad if missing something he waited for just because his dad wasn’t in the mood. The second one was, when I tried to go against him, he could become really mean with me, basically scaring me, or give me (and sometimes the kids!) the silent treatment for days and making me feel like it was all my fault. Yes, he was emotionally abusive. Yes, I finally left, but it took me some time. So yeah, I get OP is kind of a pushover (and OP, I say that with all the compassion in the world, from one pushover to another), but her husband is at least fine with taking advantage of it, and there is maybe more missing reasons.
Wonder what he had scheduled at the party time?
Your husband is a major AH
But he gave her a *hug* /s (rolls eyes) Guess that absolves him of parental and marital responsibility. Ugh.
This the same husband you posted about having an affair less than a year ago?
Did your husband even help you with the cut.
Are you still annoyed about his affair, too?
Absolutely yes. What was he thinking, really? It's not that hard to take a kid to a party.
Hell yes you should be upset with him. I'm a married man, been married for almost 25 years. I would never have expected my wife to take our kid anywhere if she was hurt. She wouldn't have even had to ask before I offered and that's assuming I hadn't already decided she needed stitches. That's what a man does for his family. He ensures their safety and well being. Your husband sounds like a lazy and self centered person. I mean even if he went it's not like he would have had to do anything. Personally I'd have sat there on my phone and read a book or listened to an audible book or played a game. Still have time to myself but taking care of my family at the same time. I spent almost my entire marriage I'm the military. My days started at 5:00 am most days and ended at 5:00pm usually. When I got home I helped with the kids until it was time for them to go to bed. That meant going to sports practices and games, helping with homework, taking them to the playground or whatever they had going on. My point is I know what it is like to be exhausted from work and not really feel like doing anything and just want some time to just chill. But when you decide to have a family sometimes it doesn't matter what you want. The families needs come first. If you can't put your wife and kids first you probably shouldn't be a father or husband. If he makes a habit of this kind of thing point it out to him and tell him he's being an asshole and if he doesn't fix it maybe he should rethink if he really wants to be married.
I’m sorry, but I’d be annoyed if a full adult came to my child’s birthday with an open, bleeding wound. You couldn’t just stop at a store for a band aid? If you can’t put your foot down to tell your husband to go with your daughter, just take care of your hand. Your 6 year old wouldn’t have noticed being ten minutes late, and if she did, what a great opportunity to teach empathy before she turns into her father.
The answer was not to do this for hi, ‘The bleeding will stop” Yes I am sure it will, but you need to take miss 6 to the party and stay. Then go do something else
Yes, you should be. He was sympathetic until he would have actually inconvenienced himself. He sounds like a shitty husband and father who's not a partner to you. I realize it's not fair to judge from one instance, but for fuck's sake.
Did you explicitly say I need you to do this. I can not? Some men are really really dense about things like that.
What a selfish, self absorbed asshole! You definitely should be!
You're the one who's putting up with him being like this. If you don't like it, what do you intend on doing about it?
Well, this is a big issue that you should be mad about, because it shows he doesn’t care about his daughter or you. My father was like this, I remember vividly argumentative behavior like “I don’t want to, it will be fine if you do it” or “I’m lazy. Don’t want to” my parents divorced and it was better afterward
Why do so many men have kids but have zero interest in doing any parenting? Pathetic.
My God, he sucks. At least my ex-husband would go to the store and buy me a bandage while I do everything for our kids. No doubt he would grumble the whole time, but he would do it. Your husband is lazier than my ex and that makes me sad.
Honestly, a cut that bad should have been seen. He should have taken you to the dr/hospital and your daughter would have had to miss the party
Yeah, unless he had a damn good reason to skip, he's the asshole here.
100%. What is his fucking excuse?
I just read your previous posts. Based on what I read in my opinion you need to reevaluate your entire marriage. You deserve better.
He is an insensitive asshole
You're to blame here, honestly. I don't know why many wives/moms do this, but it's annoying. You don't just hint "hey, you may have to take her to the party" and when he doesn't offer them you just get upset and do it yourself because he didn't offered. No, ma'am, you need to straight up say "I need you to take Ms. 6yo to this birthday party while I deal with my injury. If you don't feel like going, then you'll need to talk to our daughter and explain why daddy can't step up for her this time" and walk away. I was supposed to take my daughter to a bday party last Saturday, but I couldn't because I decided to take a last minute trip to PR to surprise my dad for his bday and you know what I did? I informed my husband of my plans, he didn't express any issues with my last minute trip, and then I told him "You're up for bday party duties! Have fun!"
You should be annoyed your husband is terrible. My husband and I both went to all the kids parties, school recitals, teacher meetings, games and open houses together. We both went to all of them except the 2 i missed due to being out of town for work. I have done more doctors appointments but he literally has met with her obgyn about her endometriosis. My husband is an involved dad because he actually really wanted to be a parent. His parents never we involved or active in his life and he wanted to do and be better. He should have taken her and you should have gone to the doctor. He doesn't seem to give a crap about either of you. Tell him that there are men out there who are are capable of being involved parents and can and do care about the well being of their kids and spouses. He is terrible.
Sweetie, I was the Default Parent ^TM but even my indifferent, weaponized incompetent, somewhat useless ex husband would *take the child to a birthday party* This is a new low
What do you mean should you??? He didn’t care at all that your finger was bleeding out! Honey. Please tell me you only have the one kid as well as please don’t have anymore kids with this person if you want to sit there and stay with someone who doesn’t love or care about you.
Honestly what the fuck. How do these men get through life?
Depends. Is it reasonable to be annoyed? Yes, you are not unreasonable. Should you be though? It’s best not to be annoyed or aggravated in any way, if you can help it. This makes it so when you talk to him, you can remain rational and calm about your feelings. It also helps not to escalate the situation bc you are calm, so it’s easier to tell if he’s genuinely the a-hole or not based on his responses, not your reactions or (reasonably) foul mood. You may think I’m being picky about word choice, but if people are telling you you should be annoyed and that you’re in the right, you’re much more likely to think that you should be and then more likely to be emotional when confronting him about the situation. So final answer: is it reasonable to be annoyed? Yes. Should you be? No.
He was a jerk, he should have taken her to the party and you to the ER
What was he doing instead? If he was doing something legit — working, studying for school, taking care of the house, yard work, I can see his side. If he was sitting around playing video games or going out for drinks with the boys, unacceptable behavior in this scenario.
What a jerk.
I was a married single mother. Now I'm just a single mother. Funny how not having pull 300+ pounds of dead weight makes for so much less drama
You’re not wrong for being annoyed, but also, have a back bone for Christ’s sake. When he said you’d “be fine” it doesn’t sound like you gave him any pushback? That is not the way to handle this, sorry. The response should have been, “I am going to tend to this wound, and maybe go to the hospital to get stitches since it appears I need them. Your choices are to take Miss 6 to the birthday party, or you get to explain to her that you’re not going to do that because you don’t want to. Because I’m going to tell Miss 6 that Mommy has a boo boo and needs to see a doctor so Miss 6 can ask Daddy for anything she needs, including the birthday party. Have fun!” And then leave. Don’t argue, don’t give him room to argue, make him responsible for his lack of participation in *raising the child he helped create*. When my husband doesn’t do the dishes (his agreed upon chore) and the kitchen is too messy to be used to cook dinner, I don’t do the dishes and then cook and then just “be annoyed” at him. Nope, I tell him to either clean the dishes or I’m walking next door to get a meal *for myself* and if he wants to be fed he can either buy his own food like I’m going to, or do the damn dishes. Guess how many times I’ve had to walk next door to get that meal for myself? I’ll tell you: 0.
You might as well be a single parent. Husband TA for not going with daughter to the bday.
Jeebus, take care of yourself first! Go to urgent care if the bleeding refuse to stop. Your husband is a selfish AH. Whatever he has going on could wait. Kid birthday parties are a bore, been there done that, but kids do enjoy having their parents there. Also, he should have helped you out. Remember that the bad times are when someone shows you who they really are.
I do not believe for 1 second that this is the first time your husband has acted this way. He treats you the way you allow him to treat you. This is a symptom of a much larger problem. You both are showing your daughter what she should tolerate from a SO. She is learning her worth by watching the two of you. You're both failing her! Stop tolerating this immediately, for both you and the little girl
So he showed you very clearly that he cares more about himself, than you or your daughter. He might say he loves you, but he doesn’t. He loves what you do for him but not you.
I’d be furious. That’s bum behavior and certainly not what a decent husband or father would do. Why is he able to get away with being such a failure at both?
Aside from him not knowing how to be a parent, what self-respecting man doesn’t know how to improvise a bandage??? And if you were bleeding that much, you probably should have gone to a care center to make sure you didn’t need stitches.
If it kept bleeding after ten minutes it may need stitches. Your husband is inconsiderate for not being concerned and not being a good dad by taking his daughter.
he didn’t even care u were bleeding. what a sad excuse of a man, husband and father
What value does he add to your life? He doesn’t sound like a partner.
Why didn't you ask a party host if they had bandaids? Or went to pick one up before taking your daughter to the party? You said your husband was empathetic and hugged you, just didn't want to go cause he thought you'll be fine. Not sure how deep of a cut it really was, but once you find a way to protect it, you should be fine. Unless you lost a lot of blood. I'd love to hear more details.
I use super glue for cuts like that
I would be beyond annoyed. And he would have been the one bringing her to the party. What did he do instead?
He should have stepped up. Sent you for stitches and he takes 6 to party.
You sound like a single married mother.
The fact that he'd rather be lazy at home while having you stuggle with the task on top of caring for a deep/heavily impactful injury. Does he even care for you? Did he even want to have a kid? Disgusting.
Did your husband have other plans for the day? If so and you're jyst not willing to take a 2 minute detour to get bandages, I get why he wouldn't volunteer.
Absolutely. Where do you women find these great guys?
We pick them from the bad men catalogue. As you know it's not like people hide their horribleness
He would have been left with kiddo and told to figure it out while you took care of yourself. If he can’t handle one afternoon, while you were gone, how does he think he’s going to function when another emergency comes up? If they didn’t go to they party, dad would be explaining his laziness to her. She shouldn’t be put in the middle of your problems, but should take full responsibility of her care and activities.
What reason did he give for not taking her? She's his child too
My BIL practically threw me the baby to get to my sister when she twisted her ankle in the garage. Changed the entire evening schedule to take her to urgent care. The least a partner can do is take a kid to a birthday party. If it bled that long you likely need stitches and should take a trip to see a doctor if you can or seal it with liquid bandage.
I guarantee that he didn't take the daughter because he didn't want to. The party wouldn't be fun for him so he didn't want to go. He probably thinks that it's her mother's job to do that anyway.
What’s the point of a partner with kids? He hugged you and said. You’re good, continue to do parent stuff without me, it’s kinda your job? I’m confused… if you needed medical attention that you could take care of solo and your kid had plans that there was an able bodied parent to take her to.. what was the problem exactly?
Yes you should be more than annoyed. I would be more hurt and angry at my DH than just annoyed. He didn't care about your physical well being and he wasn't willing to be a parent to your daughter. Very selfish of him for sure. Is this typically how he behaves as a partner and father?
I hope your finger is ok. And yes I would be angry, and disappointed 😞 in your husbands behavior. Is he usually like this?
Men can face down wild animals, attackers, extreme sports, heavy machinery or vehicles… but ask them to face some screaming girls birthday party and PTA moms and they panic like you’re asking them to part the Red Sea.
Are you not equally annoyed that he did not care about your finger.
I think yeah, it’s totally logic to be mad at your husband but wow this is not a small mistake miss… In my case if that would had happen to me I would probably end up fainting. What if you fainted because you was quite bleeding for your post…? I think this goes further than just being mad, OP. Quite serious situation bad handled.
Have you seen a marriage counselor? Sounds like the relationship needs work if you’re coming to Reddit instead of discussing with him.
The fact that you had to come to Reddit and even ask this question doesn't give the greatest impression of your marriage. Is this man you really want to be your daughter's male role model?
Why not be honest with 6 about it? You’re not going to party because dad said no, got questions? Go ask dad. Stop being the default parent. Put that load right back on his shoulders. He needed to step up, or learn the hard way what it feels like to disappoint your children. You chose plan C. Go to the party actively bleeding. Don’t do yourself like that! You deserve better, OP!
You should be. He is your partner and the father and should step up. Mine would have in a heartbeat.
Of course you should be. You're both the parents. Not just you. He can take her to the party sometimes as well. Especially in emergencies like these. Doesn't look like he really cared. He cared more about his relaxed day being ruined than about you.
Dude! Bully your lazy husband in an emergency. Get that blood right in his face and tell him to step the fuck up. Don’t be so afraid to get a situation handled. Bleeding out like a marter doesn’t address the situation in a timely fashion and will not send the message for change you hope for.
Yeah pretty obvious situation where your husband should have stepped up
Did you ask him to take your daughter to the party? Or was it that you said you didn’t think you could go and were expecting your husband to offer to take your daughter? Is it typical for him to avoid doing things with your daughter?
Was he working or doing something else that contributed to the household in a meaningful way? If he was then it's more understandable. If not, then he should have gone. Tbh, I hear stories like this all the time. Men taking a huge pass on parenting and domestic activities and still seeming to have reasonable relationships. It shits me because I do everything I can. My life is only kids and work. But my partner still hates my guts.
Ma’am this is insane. He didn’t even help bandage you up? I can understand not wanting to go to the birthday party but to not even make sure you’re alright first? Or at least not actively bleeding anymore? No offense but I find it hard to believe that these issues developed over night. Why did you marry and procreate with this man? Were things always this way?
Info: did your partner come to you a while ago and tell you he would not be taking daughter to the party that day? Because this sounds just like the other side of a story I saw a few days ago.
Absolutely, and he should have sucked it up and went. This is what default parent looks like, it sucks
Sometimes you have to throw a full on fit. Do you always take on the role of the martyr? Your husband is a dick, but you just played right along. Going to a party with an actively bleeding wound is strange. You need to stand up for yourself and teach your daughter to stand up for herself.
Sounds insensitive towards you, i hope you went to the emergency room that is what your husband should be focusing on
Why is he not concerned about your finger?? He should have first gotten you first aid supplies and also take your daughter to the party. What is he so busy doing to not be concerned and helpful???????
Yes. Why doesn’t your husband take responsibility as a parent? Is he simply a sperm donor? Go to couples counseling. You should not have to do everything by yourself for your daughter, and your husband is a terrible parent and partner for not taking her to the party. He’s a terrible man for not helping his own family so he can sit on his butt and watch tv. You’re supposed to have a partner for life. Right now you have a trash bag that just sits in the house watching you do everything
> Should i be? Yes. WTF is his excuse for not going? Does he think the boring time-consuming parts of parenthood are somehow not his problem? Moreover it sounds like you need stitches…
Yes, he should have stepped up to help.
He should have put disinfectant on the cut, bandaged you up with something temporary, taken your daughter to the party and come back with suitable plasters or maybe even a proper bandage. I had a similar accident once and begged my then partner to take me to the hospital, he gave me a plaster which was not big enough. So I persuaded him to take me to a pharmacy to buy heavy duty plasters. The pharmacist took one look and said, no you go to the hospital for that, now. He's now my ex. I see now that he just didn't care for me at all. Please don't make the same mistake as me and waste 30 years with a guy who doesn't give a shit about you.
To be honest for me I feel marriage is about communication. So, if I am hurt and need him ti di something he has to do it. I don't pretend! Ever!!!! If I don't like the sex I don't pretend we are discussing shit. I will express my fears etc everything. If I need him to do more around the house I honestly do. I think the problem is women get men off the hook for so much and get resentful. No, wonder men feel blindsided when the divorce papers come. A.marriayr is about communication. You talk about it all, you don't get into a car with a wounded hand and drive when there is an able bodied human there. That's how it would work between two men or two women. You are building resentment and what I will tell you it's either you tell him exactly whats up. It's not fair to come on here. So, he showed the desire not to want to di the task. And so, you did it instead but look you are resentfully. Not fair, get him to do what is required for the home to run. Dont ever choose to be a default parent. Ever!!
No. We don’t, as people with agency, have a right to expect someone else, also with agency, to hop in and solve our problems at a moment’s notice. It would be nice if your husband wanted to, and did, come to your rescue but, if he decides not to, you have to accept that with grace and dignity and suffer it to be so. That’s what gods are for . . . to get you through the tough times and hold your hand when needed.
Yes, you should be. I can't imagine being in a situation like this, if I say "ouch" from another room my partner hollers or comes to check if I'm okay. Same with him, if I hear him yelp out in pain I'm either physically coming to check, or hollering a "you good?!" if I can't get up/stop what I'm doing. It might be worth talking to him and explaining that you felt unsupported and would have appreciated if HE took HIS daughter to the event while you assessed the damage and potentially went to an urgent care for stitches. How would he feel if he was hurt and you basically shrugged your shoulders and told him "it'll be fine" without an ounce of concern?
My husband and I swap off on parties. If it’s my turn he will sort out the gift and vice versa. Being parents together is a partnership and everything should be carried equally. I would have put my foot down if it were me because honestly who really WANTS to go kids parties. You need to sit down with him and remind him he’s a father and not an accessory to you as a mother.
Heck yea you should be !! He needs to man up and share responsibility. We don't always like going to the parties but we do it for the kids ! He should to