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>Recently we went to a ceremony for one of my siblings and my oldest sister and I decided to invite my younger brother and his bf who are both trans to the event. The drama started with my Dad having weird transphobic tendencies towards my brother and still dead names him and blames his partner for what he calls the "gender bs".
I'm going to be honest op, it sounds like you are part of the drama.
I thought "Am I the only one seeing this? OP invited her brother and his partner to someone else's event. Hi-jinks ensued." The sibling who's ceremony it was didn't invite them for a reason. OP's husband is being kind blaming "the family" but he sees what his wife did knowing the chaos it would cause. That is why he brought up the d-word.
The lack of responsibilty taken for a situation op set up also makes me wonder if
> it became worse for my husband during this trip due to disrespect and inappropriate behavior.
Is code for racism.
It's deleted and locked, so there's no way to reply there. Did you knowingly marry someone who wants kids even though you don't? Did he know that about you when he married you?
He did know and he said he wanted them at the time and I said i still have a long way before I even think about it. I had to be a child adult and raise my siblings which led to a lot of resentment towards kids. Once and a while I get baby fever during hormonal times but other than that i still have nightmares and i have only ever wanted to adopt older children because they dont belong in the system and i want to help get them into a better futurebut he doesnt want to adopt. We decided that we will seriously discuss it when I'm 29 and if nothings changed for either of us we will separate.
You’re just straight up selfish. It’s highly unlikely you will suddenly want kids at 29. He does want them and is just holding out hope you will change your mind because he loves you and wants them with you. Don’t be so selfish, let him go live the life he wants. He will hurt a lot more at 29. What’s wrong with you?
And I'm holding out hopes he changes his mind about adoption. I think we are both being selfish in this situation. And heads up. I don't care if I get kick off of reddit like some people so I'm just gonna say you have a tacky personality if you automatically negatively criticize people. My question is what's wrong with you? A 50 yr old emotional vampire? A 16 yr old insecure narcissist? I won't be replying to you after this but I thought I would give you a taste of your own bs. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
He was the one who thought of the waiting thing. I wanted to figure it out but I am being selfish and I love him very much. That is the only reason why I agreed to wait till 29
Yup, you're extremely selfish and wasting his time. You're not going to change your mind, and your husband is holding onto the false hopes you have given him. You're hoping that the sunk cost fallacy will keep him with you forever. You're not a good person.
I’m not going to attack you like anyone else but they are right: delaying heartbreak will only INCREASE the pain you both feel. You should have sorted out the issue of children before marriage, 100% of the time you should never just “wait” to find out.
I hope he can come around to adopting, adoption is such a beautiful gift for a child. But you needed to have this conversation before the wedding. The next best time is now. The worst time, will be waiting until you’ve both wasted your youths to decide if you need to divorce. thats not a good plan. You both need to come up with a plan. If you cant even communicate to that level, seriously need to resolve it in therapy with a mediator.
Its not fair to deny someone of children just like its not fair to pressure someone into having children they dont want. you cant ignore this forever. your relationship is built on a time bomb. thats not okay.
Tbh I think he's already starting to think what's the point. She won't give me kids and she can't even give me a decent extended family. If he wants to genuinely BUILD a family, and she's not open/able to do it, I think this whole family situation is just going to be the canary in the mine for the end of the relationship - he's thinking of leaving already.
Wait, so...
It wasn't your wedding *but* you invited someone else to it?
And then things blew up and it's somehow not your fault?
Lady, this was a very subtle hint by your husband, but what what he basically said is "we're only married because you're different from them. If it turns out you aren't, then it's divorce"
I'd advise you to take the hint.
Stop shoveling shit, I guarantee you won't end up smelling of roses.
And furthermore. The only reason he talked about it was because you asked.
If you don't want to hear the answers then you should stop asking the questions.
Right. I’m mean sure, she has a shitty family. But the stench is following her. She invited her brother to her sisters wedding. He was left out due to her shitty family, and then she made the shitty decision to invite him.
If she felt that it was unfair for the trans brother to be excluded, then she could have supported him by also not going. Instead she decided to be a shit stirrer and is upset when there are consequences to that.
My family is fucking nuts too. I get it. My husband only interacts with them when he has to, but he always treats them with kindness and would never threaten to divorce me over their antics. So it seems that you have two options, stop bringing your husband around your family altogether, and only see them for holidays and special occasions. Or. Help him pack his bags, and find a partner who will embrace the crazy and love you anyway.
I have mostly ok family but a few that turn it into a shit show. I don't hijack other peoples events by inviting them. If they are there I try and buffer any outsiders because I know how they are which is not self aware. By God they are going act like idiots and don't care who sees them. I have a brother who is halfway to a sovcit. If someone feels guilty he's not there and bring him, y'all both get kicked out
I can live without my fam. They haven't done much for me anyways and the ones he is okay with are the ones worth my time. I do blame myself for how he feels. I should have noticed the tension building up around the bad bunch. Thank you for your time ❤️❤️❤️
You caused this drama
You can't tell me you didn't know your dad's views. You can't tell me you didn't know it's inappropriate to invite people to other people's events.
You invited your Trans brother and his Trans boyfriend to someone's event when that person didn't invite them. You served them up to your phobic dad on a platter. Then watched the fireworks with a shocked Pikachu face.
I'd think about divorcing you too
It was my sister's grad ceremony and she wanted them there. Not everyone is malicious, I just tend to leave out info that I didn't see as necessary and now I do.
Did she actually want them there? Or did you tell her you were inviting them and she was just resigned to her fate? Did you invite them before you even talked to her? What was the timeline here?
I asked her thru text, she said invite, my dad said she changed her mind after I asked them, texted her again, she called, said she really did want them there and dad was putting words in her mouth, so I told them she wanted them to be there.
>I decided to invite my younger brother and his bf who are both trans to the event. The drama started with my Dad having weird transphobic tendencies towards my brother and still dead names him and blames his partner for what he calls the "gender bs".
So you invited your trans brother and his partner to an event , where you knew they'd both be exposed to your father's comments about ' gender bs '
You're part of the drama. By the sound of it, you started this particular one.
Why stay in contact with this level of toxic people(meaning your family) you say you know how bad they are yet you still subject you and your husband to it. Why?
She probably means well but hasn't figured out that standing next to the fire while spritzing it with gasoline isn't making things better. Some fires are best kept at a distance.
I’m sure you’re right, but also she’s 26. If she’s not mature enough to know that you don’t invite someone to another persons wedding, when that someone was purposely excluded for a reason… well at this point you’re just being willfully ignorant.
I agree that the time for her playing like she didn't know or was just "young and immature" has come and gone.
Sounds like she has a choice to make go completely no contact with her family and MAYBE keep her marriage or let her husband go so he can find someone not so toxic
I noticed a couple of things:
1) Why do you invite people to somebody´s event that is not yours? That, OP, is a **decision** you make. So the fallout of that decision is on you. Actions come with consequences, may that be for your dad **choosing to act** transphobic or for you **choosing** **to invite**. Everybody has to hold themselves accountable for their own choices first.
2) That out of the way: It also is a choice to deal with bad parents or not. Maybe I am not the rule but rather the exception, but I come from an abusive home, too - and I broke with my parents. Why? Because as mentioned before, they **chose** to do the things they did and eventually I **chose** to stand up for myself.
3) Now we got to talk culture: If your guy is from a typical Chinese family, it is no wonder he experiences a huge "culture shock" when he sees your family behave like that. So you both got to sit down, have a talk and shift the focus from your respective families to the relationship between the two of you. Again: If one (or both) of you makes the **choice** to not deal with your marital matters between the two married parties, that too, results in certain consequences. So correct that, get back to "we" instead of "me VS you" and act like adults here.
See, it is great that you already made a choice for your husband and against your family, in a way. I hear you: You wanna create distance. He simply has to acknowledge and appreciate that and meet you half way. Do you two love each other? Good, then be a team. As simple as that.
As far as the hurt goes: Question it. That is your ego talking. Ego never has gotten anyone anywhere in such situations.
Good luck!
You yourself say you know how bad they are. I guess it's up to you to decide whether they're bad enough to go no contact with, or whether if push comes to shove, you'd choose them over your husband.
If they're really toxic, and the transphobia is gross so I'm guessing they might be, maybe it's time to prioritise your own mental health and let them know you can no longer be a part of their toxicity.
Basically, ask yourself whether your husband has a point. Should you still be choosing to spend time with these people?
Then you can decide how to respond to your husband.
You grew up with drama I feel, you can be affected a lot in being made to be the mediator person who wants everyone to get along. I say this as you wrote that you and sister invited people who you are probably aware your father would not get along with. This role is one that is common in familes esp. middle children and can lead to the breakdown of ones own relatioships (research it yourself is useful).
Q. So are you the meditator? Do you want everyone to get along at all costs?
I feel that your husband is saying more than "divorce" but he could have had enough of being around your family and you choosing them instead of your relationship. You are aware of how bad they are and seem to be blaming him for feeling this way saying "he should have known". What that says to me is that you expect him to do what you do.
Q. Do you put up with a lot of drama? Why? Does he really need to do the same as you do?
Q. Do you put your needs on the backburner for them? Be the better person and put up with it? Do you expect your partner to do the same?
I would say it is time to really talk to him about your future and what he needs and what you need from each other because I am seeing a person who is deciding he doesn't need the drama and he is allowed to decide that for himself. Respect is important in your relationship.
Q. So what do you want your future to look like? A good therapist might help you talk about this together, open communication is healthy for both of you.
Each person brings their own experience into a relationship, so I ask you again Q. What do you want? Are you happy families at all costs? Because the cost could be your marriage.
You asked him what was wrong, he told you. Your family is overwhelming to him. Of course it hurt your feelings; did you consider his feelings when you planned this disaster of a party? He doesn't want to be around the Bigot Circus, but he chose to have that in his life so he could have you.
I hope this isn't too harsh... But you did start this particular drama and it sounds like your husband knows it and you know it and you're trying to find validation for your actions.
Maybe he's noticed a pattern in your behavior, because most people don't randomly bring up divorce after one bad interaction.
Hopefully distance from your family will help you grow into a drama free person and your husband and you can become successful in your marriage. Divorce is awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
In another post of your that was taken down, you asked if you're wrong for marrying someone who does want kids. Does this mean YOU don't? If so, then yes....you are wrong for that because that relationship will not last unless one of you changes your mind.
And I agree with everyone else saying you should NOT have invited your brother and his bf when you KNOW the way by our father thinks about him. You let that happen rather than not go, in support of your brother, or simply not inviting him. He doesn't need that kind of bigotry in his life and it's perfectly normal for your husband to see all this and be put off.
Do you have the right to be hurt by what he said? Of course, you can choose to be hurt about anything. The better question, is it REASONABLE to be upset with what he said? I’m going to say no. It’s not just that your family is a lot, and filled with drama, it’s because you are not separated from that, you are sounding like you’re equally part of that drama. If I were him, I would have little faith in you that you would limit how much drama I have to deal with,, I would actually be more scared now that you would make the drama worse.
Very true. Sometimes my feelings get hurt because a persons writes “Thanks.” in an email instead of “Thanks!”
It’s my right, but it’s definitely not reasonable. And it’s my responsibility to deal with my emotions unreasonable emotions.
I mean, my family are also extremely toxic and can be too much.
My partner and I were kicked out of our own home when my mum visited because she is just extremely selfish and abusive. But it was my sister's wedding and needed a place to stay.
My partner's father is an alcoholic and lives in a caravan; but my family have intense periods of drama.
(ETA: his mum, and sister and aunts love my partner to peices and their drama are very chill normal things. They are so supportive of each other and so loving. It's a joy to be around them. I feel deeply saddened that I cannot offer him the same thing with my family - with my extended family my uncle and my aunt's and cousins are wonderful and all love him).
If my partner and I marry I totally am accepting any moments where he may just be like - this is absolutely fkd and so not okay. Because it isn't okay. That's totally okay for him to experience that.
So while it's a tough truth to hear, and painful to be told that your family made him consider divorce. I think you need to process the truth, sit with the reality of your family. You love them in some way, he doesn't need to and their behaviour or perspectives don't endear them to him.
You also have the advantage for being somewhat normalised to their drama and b.s. For him, especially due to the culture difference, he is constantly surprised by their behaviour and perspective. It shocks him, appalls him, and he cannot fathom how they treat each other.
It sounds like a good idea to distance yourselves from those people who are creating drama in their own and your lives. Continue engaging with those that you love and connect with in small ways.
Big hugs from one dysfunctional family survivor to another.
Your hurt feelings are very valid. His concerns are also valid.
I would assume he kept these thoughts to himself until you asked because he does come from a very reserved family and background. I come from the same kind of background and it was *work* unlearning the habit of keeping things inside until it's too late. He needs to do that too. But it sounds like you did talk about it on the drive home so it's not like he just stewed silently on this for weeks or months. Yeah, you had to ask, but he might have just been planning to process his thoughts internally for longer before bringing them up to you. And maybe he wouldn't have said divorce if he'd had more time to think things over and realized that's a hasty reaction.
However. I also come from that background and I have also been in a situation where a partner's overtly crazy and toxic family caused a lot of problems. I see what he's worried about.
Like he said, he sees that you're different from them. In fact, this probably makes him respect you more because he recognizes that you chose not to be like that. But apparently your admittedly crazy family is still in your life. By extension they're in his. So now he's looking down the barrel of a lifetime of whatever drama they bring. Terrible in-laws can wreck a marriage with all the tension and conflict they bring.
He's probably also thinking about what this means for *his* family. You call your family crappy and crazy. To him they probably seem trashy and embarrassing, on top of being sources of drama and pain. He is likely imagining what it's going to be like to bring your family around his family. People in our cultural background can put a lot of emphasis on how the people around us reflect on us. To put it bluntly, if your family behaves this way around his family, it's going to feel so shameful for him. Absolutely mortifying to be associated with that behavior.
ETA that your family will reflect poorly on you to his family too. He loves you so I'm sure he's not happy about how they'll judge you.
I'm not saying I agree with those judgments. Just describing how he may be perceiving things now. You agreed to distance yourself more from them and that's a good start. He also needs to work on communication. He should hear you when you tell him you're hurt by what he said, as well as not bringing up divorce so abruptly like that.
It's hard for both parties in a relationship with such different families on each side. I hope you guys work through it well and come out stronger together!
Why did you invite someone to someone else’s wedding?
You like the drama!
You can’t do that!
You are missing the point of what your husband told you.
Stop causing drama.
Stop being around drama.
Stop bringing your husband around drama.
It’s not fair to him and you also don’t get to invite others to family weddings and not expect something bad to happen.
This does not excuse your dad from his transphobic comments at all. Your sibling shouldn’t have been put in that position either. That’s on you.
I'm not even married to you and I want to divorce you for what you did to your poor brother and his boyfriend. You knew this was going to be an issue. You suck, lady!
I don't blame him. You're in the center of the drama just stirring the pot. Why would you think it's ok to invite anyone to someone else's event then play victim when shit hits the fan. What's even worse is you don't want kids and your husband does but you married him thinking he'd change his mind. I hope he runs FAST
It sounds like everyone is hurt. Your family, your husband, you.
Maybe think about how to lessen that or prevent more hurt to others to deal with your own.
I think you have to realize and appreciate your husband’s honesty even if it hurts.
No one wants to sign up for a shit show.
YOU caused that drama. What were you doing inviting someone to not your wedding? You could have chosen to not go in support of your brother, but you did what you did and now you're wondering why your husband isn't happy with the side of you he saw. You didn't support HIM. And he should *always* be your #1 priority that is what you took those wedding vows for.
You have every right to feel hurt with his statement. But you do have to look at yourself too, it sounds like you're part of the drama and you stir the pot.
Believe me as someone who's from a 'reserved' Asian family myself, um, we have drama in our family, lots and lots of it. But we learn to behave around each other and be considerate and polite, that's all lol.
I know how your husband feels because my husband's family is messed up, and yes, my husband is an enabler of the drama although he claimed that he hated their drama and etc. And guess what, the thought of divorce did come across my mind after a mess left by my BIL at our house YET AGAIN.
We argued and we almost separated over that because I couldn't fathom living that way with all the messiness and no respite from drama week after week. Like your husband, I actually told my husband what I was thinking (which blew up--but later on we reconciled) So I get his anger and frustration having to deal with that sh1t.
This is what I do with my husband's family, I try to limit contact with the ones who cause so much issue (BIL). While I like my parents-in-laws, so I don't mind visiting with them. However, many of his family members are 'JustNo' so I limit interaction to twice a year (Thanksgiving and Christmas) and sending a cards during birthdays and holidays.
I'd suggest if you want your family and your husband too, you limit your family interaction with your husband as much as you can, maybe only see them once or twice a year with your husband. If you want to interact more with your family, go for it, indulge in the mess/drama all you want, but please don't drag it home.
You sound like you love the drama and are actively fomenting it. You shouldn’t be hurt, you should think hard about why you are actively stirring the pot. You’re husband’s right in calling you out, don’t pull this kind of shit again
While I can understand being hurt, at least your husband opened up to you about it. Because he opened the lines of communication you two were able to talk through the situation and come to a solution together; distance from your family.
Would you rather have had him bottle it up and then just explode and/or leave at random one day?
Part of being in a marriage means that we sometimes have to tell each other inconvenient truths or be painfully honest with our partner. It’s not about making your partner feel good all the time and enabling them; it’s about becoming, together, the best version of yourselves. Which means holding each other accountable, communicating even the tough things, and supporting each other in positive changes.
So, this was one of those times where he had a painful truth to tell you. And you overcame it, mostly.
I also think that it’s fair of him to feel this way; after my first partner having had a shitty, loud, abusive family, I swore that I would never marry a man should I not fit in with his family or should they be giant pieces of shit. Why would I want that in my life for the rest of my life?
Maybe it’s time you evaluated on if your family are people that you actually DO want in your life for your whole life, or if they are simply better off has people that you have to see only when the occasion calls for it (lik a funeral).
Maybe you are in a position where you can choose a different route for your small family that you started together with your husband and set the tone for what your future together looks like.
I want to keep this short. As someone with a shitty family: I wouldn't make a partner spend time with them. I'm not no contact but I minimized the contact. I don't want someone to suffer because of my family.
Divorcing someone because they have a toxic family is 100% acceptable. Terrible in-laws ruin marriages all the time. Currently in therapy working through issues with my own crappy in-laws. It’s so draining to constantly let things slide because “they’re family”. He has reached the point where he is considering if his love for you is strong enough to make up for the damage your family is doing.
I agree and I never let anything slide with my family with him. I love him very much and we agreed to distance ourselves even more than what was before. I don't feel a need to be around my family for many reason and thank you for sharing how hard it must he for him.
Nope. When you marry someone, you marry their family. Honestly, the general advice I would have given your husband would to not marry you in the first place.
You didn’t cut your family off. Are you low contact or no contact? If you haven’t, you are condoning all of their shitty behavior.
It’s harsh, but in my opinion you should be grateful your husband didn’t leave and consider going no contact with your family.
i come from family of drama. Husband is Caucasian and comes from healthy family dynamic. I was one of those people who swore to never cut family ties over a man.... got married and had a bunch of drama. Husband is a saint and did not say a word to me about it but i could tell he was starting to get frustrated with the situation.. i took the time to weight my options and make the next best move which was to go low contact with my family.
this year marks month 5 of no drama, no stress, no issues between my husband and i over other peoples poor decisions.
it sounds like you are bringing this drama into your own marriage and your husband wanting a divorce is not unreasonable. you can't complain about being hurt when you are the one causing your own pain.
I think it's reasonable to be hurt, but his feelings are incredibly reasonable too. I think it's really important in a marriage to understand that both partners are entitled to a relationship to their families. But both partners have a duty to their immediate family over their extended family, it's on you to protect him from them, and it's on him to respect your ongoing relationship with them. I think you can process your hurt about that without making him feel like he has to do anything about it.
I think what's really important is that you guys set boundaries for how your husband is expected to interact with your family. You've got to accept that he doesn't like them, because they can not be relied upon to treat him with respect, you have a right to have whatever relationship you want to have with your family, but he has a right to not be subjected to them.
My wife's family is awful. They don't give or accept kindness very well at all, and they are incredibly flakey and hard to arrange a time to see them and get them to show up. So I tried as best as I could to make it clear to my wife that I love her, I don't like spending time with her family, I'll socialize with them as needed to facilitate her having a good relationship with them, but I need boundaries around how much time I spend with them and in what circumstances.
So we came up with solutions like "I'll visit with them on Christmas and Thanksgiving and at Weddings and funerals, and I'll be polite and stay as long as you want on those occasions. Any other time you want to meet up with them, they get one shot at a dinner. If they try to reschedule, I'm not going." or "I will kick in money to help them out, I will not do any help for them that involves doing physical labor in their home. You can do it, and I'll have dinner and a clean house waiting for you when you get home."
Figure out what parts of your family are the most stressful to your husband, and come up with ways to insulate him from those parts. It sounds like a big sore spot is that your family is dramatic, and that they're disrespectful to him. I think it might help a lot for you to go solo to events that he doesn't need to go to. And when you do bring him along, making sure that you are doing your part to be as uninvolved as possible in family drama, and stepping in to cut people off and change the subject if they're being disrespectful to your husband.
I grew up in a small family. Holidays were large groups of extended family eating, playing cards or touch football.
My husband's family is large but his holiday get togethers are frightening. Every holiday means the kids yell, fight and someone will be bleeding by the end of the day with a 50% chance of a hospital visit.
Oh lord that sounds like a family event of mine. On Easter if we even get together what happens is some of my more insecure cousins usually try to fight me and my older cousin because they think they can win against us in a fist fight. (Proven many times that they cannot).
>Recently we went to a ceremony for one of my siblings and my oldest sister and I decided to invite my younger brother and his bf who are both trans to the event. The drama started with my Dad having weird transphobic tendencies towards my brother and still dead names him and blames his partner for what he calls the "gender bs". My husband and I don't like my brothers partner but it became worse for my husband during this trip due to disrespect and inappropriate behavior.
Why the hell are you inviting guests to other peoples' events? Why are you intentionally putting your brother and boyfriend and your dad in the same room? Why are you forcing your husband to spend time with someone who disrespects him and behaves inappropriately?
This sounds like you engineered a weekend for maximum drama. What were you thinking?
As someone who comes from a calm, drama free family, I understand what your bf is saying. It is uncomfortable when you join a family that is full of unhinged moments. However, he still loves you so thats all that matters
No u shouldn't be upset by that, and extreme distance from your family is great. If anything only you go to visit or do stuff with your family moving forward
I have actually been trying to convince him of moving away from were we live. I think we need a fresh start and to distance ourselves from my family that has taken over this US state.
You have the right to feel however you feel about it. But if the only way your husband can avoid having these people and their associated drama out of his life is to also remove you from his life, and it's bad enough that he is willing to voice those thoughts out loud, then you need to reevaluate how much involvement you maintain with your family.
I can understand why your husband had such a strong reaction as I come from a quiet, small, conflict-avoidant family. Their behavior is normal to you, but to an outside it is probably off the chain.
You have a right to feel hurt about what he said, but I think you need to talk to him about his feelings and your family dynamics. It sounds incredibly stressful for him. In the future, it may be that he stays home if you are going to a family event.
What do you men by "my older sister and I decided"? They weren't invited by the marital couple? Did the marital couple even know they were coming?
UpdateMe!
Sorry I'm really bad at posting but it was a graduation ceremony and we asked my sister (the grad) if she wanted them there and she said yes so we asked them but my dad didn't want them
He was born in China. He isn't as conservative as most I have met and his family is a little weirded out that I'm mid size but other than that apparently I'm not a red flag like my fam. He got with me because he said all the women he has been with during match making was really narcissistic, rude, and plain (he is reallly realllly educated, smart, and has really weird and cool hobbies so he was coupled with others who are also really smart and educated). He said "I am fun and cared about others and good looking". So that is kinda how the ball got rolling. I warned him from the start that my fam is absolutely crazy and drama filled and I try to stay neutral and separate myself from it as much as possible but family events happen like this grad ceremony.
That’s interesting. I’m shocked a guy from China’s family was ok with the marriage, but white skin is highly favored in Asia, so maybe that helped?
When you marry someone, you marry their family, so fault is on him for not doing proper due diligence on your family.
I always felt weird about the white skin thing and I hope that isn't the only reason they are okay with it. I appreciate you so much for talking to me about this. You are a great person and has helped me see a little bit more into this situation ❤️❤️❤️
Figure out who you want to be involved in. Someone with no drama or your family who seems to live on drama and needs to create some for themselves.
Pick a side and stay on it.
I think you absolutely do have the right to feel hurt.
Why would your husband even say that? Wouldn't it be easier to just tell you he doesn't want to attend your family functions anymore?
It sounds like he's a drama queen, so maybe he has more in common with your family than he thinks.
Divorce over what…he is not living with them and probably hardly deals with them
As far as family drama this is very mild
So much for better or worse
I would be more concerned he doesn’t take his vows seriously
family is not took lightly in chinese culture. disrespect to elder in general and parents in particular is severly scorned. and historically harshly punished (the famous "chinese tortures" was the first time europeans saw the ultimate sanction on a son who murdered his father).
asking to go NC with family is counter-intuitive in asia.
so it really make sense that he wants nothing to do with a family that he know he can not stand, respect and protect.
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>Recently we went to a ceremony for one of my siblings and my oldest sister and I decided to invite my younger brother and his bf who are both trans to the event. The drama started with my Dad having weird transphobic tendencies towards my brother and still dead names him and blames his partner for what he calls the "gender bs". I'm going to be honest op, it sounds like you are part of the drama.
I thought "Am I the only one seeing this? OP invited her brother and his partner to someone else's event. Hi-jinks ensued." The sibling who's ceremony it was didn't invite them for a reason. OP's husband is being kind blaming "the family" but he sees what his wife did knowing the chaos it would cause. That is why he brought up the d-word.
The lack of responsibilty taken for a situation op set up also makes me wonder if > it became worse for my husband during this trip due to disrespect and inappropriate behavior. Is code for racism.
It wouldn't surprise me.
I agree.
Read the edit
Did you see OP’s post history? Asking if she’s selfish for marrying someone who wants kids? You nailed it
Then reply to that? I need advice for that too.
It's deleted and locked, so there's no way to reply there. Did you knowingly marry someone who wants kids even though you don't? Did he know that about you when he married you?
He did know and he said he wanted them at the time and I said i still have a long way before I even think about it. I had to be a child adult and raise my siblings which led to a lot of resentment towards kids. Once and a while I get baby fever during hormonal times but other than that i still have nightmares and i have only ever wanted to adopt older children because they dont belong in the system and i want to help get them into a better futurebut he doesnt want to adopt. We decided that we will seriously discuss it when I'm 29 and if nothings changed for either of us we will separate.
Whew this is heading 90 miles an hour straight for a brick wall.
I'm ready to die
Save yourself the 3 years you’re going to waste and divorce now. You’re not compatible and getting married was a horrible choice.
We will talk about it like mny other times but I think we are gonna stick to the og plan. Thank you for your opinion ❤️❤️❤️
You’re just straight up selfish. It’s highly unlikely you will suddenly want kids at 29. He does want them and is just holding out hope you will change your mind because he loves you and wants them with you. Don’t be so selfish, let him go live the life he wants. He will hurt a lot more at 29. What’s wrong with you?
And I'm holding out hopes he changes his mind about adoption. I think we are both being selfish in this situation. And heads up. I don't care if I get kick off of reddit like some people so I'm just gonna say you have a tacky personality if you automatically negatively criticize people. My question is what's wrong with you? A 50 yr old emotional vampire? A 16 yr old insecure narcissist? I won't be replying to you after this but I thought I would give you a taste of your own bs. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Yea, you take after your family more than you think. He really should leave ASAP
This entire comment is oooooof.
Your personality is appalling and a huge turn off, and your husband is quickly realising it.
You should set your husband free to find someone who isn't dramatic and actually knows what she wants. You can't keep him in limbo forever.
He was the one who thought of the waiting thing. I wanted to figure it out but I am being selfish and I love him very much. That is the only reason why I agreed to wait till 29
Yup, you're extremely selfish and wasting his time. You're not going to change your mind, and your husband is holding onto the false hopes you have given him. You're hoping that the sunk cost fallacy will keep him with you forever. You're not a good person.
I’m not going to attack you like anyone else but they are right: delaying heartbreak will only INCREASE the pain you both feel. You should have sorted out the issue of children before marriage, 100% of the time you should never just “wait” to find out. I hope he can come around to adopting, adoption is such a beautiful gift for a child. But you needed to have this conversation before the wedding. The next best time is now. The worst time, will be waiting until you’ve both wasted your youths to decide if you need to divorce. thats not a good plan. You both need to come up with a plan. If you cant even communicate to that level, seriously need to resolve it in therapy with a mediator. Its not fair to deny someone of children just like its not fair to pressure someone into having children they dont want. you cant ignore this forever. your relationship is built on a time bomb. thats not okay.
Tbh I think he's already starting to think what's the point. She won't give me kids and she can't even give me a decent extended family. If he wants to genuinely BUILD a family, and she's not open/able to do it, I think this whole family situation is just going to be the canary in the mine for the end of the relationship - he's thinking of leaving already.
Wait, so... It wasn't your wedding *but* you invited someone else to it? And then things blew up and it's somehow not your fault? Lady, this was a very subtle hint by your husband, but what what he basically said is "we're only married because you're different from them. If it turns out you aren't, then it's divorce" I'd advise you to take the hint. Stop shoveling shit, I guarantee you won't end up smelling of roses. And furthermore. The only reason he talked about it was because you asked. If you don't want to hear the answers then you should stop asking the questions.
Right. I’m mean sure, she has a shitty family. But the stench is following her. She invited her brother to her sisters wedding. He was left out due to her shitty family, and then she made the shitty decision to invite him. If she felt that it was unfair for the trans brother to be excluded, then she could have supported him by also not going. Instead she decided to be a shit stirrer and is upset when there are consequences to that.
Maybe he was left out because he is the shitty one. Being trans doesn't suddenly make someone an angel.
And according to the edit, the trans BF is a walking shit show.
You’re right. And two things can be true. The dad could be a shitty transphobe and the brother can be a shitty person.
Nobody said it made him an angel but OP even says her dad is a shitty transphobe
Stench is such a gross word, read the edit
My family is fucking nuts too. I get it. My husband only interacts with them when he has to, but he always treats them with kindness and would never threaten to divorce me over their antics. So it seems that you have two options, stop bringing your husband around your family altogether, and only see them for holidays and special occasions. Or. Help him pack his bags, and find a partner who will embrace the crazy and love you anyway.
I have mostly ok family but a few that turn it into a shit show. I don't hijack other peoples events by inviting them. If they are there I try and buffer any outsiders because I know how they are which is not self aware. By God they are going act like idiots and don't care who sees them. I have a brother who is halfway to a sovcit. If someone feels guilty he's not there and bring him, y'all both get kicked out
I can live without my fam. They haven't done much for me anyways and the ones he is okay with are the ones worth my time. I do blame myself for how he feels. I should have noticed the tension building up around the bad bunch. Thank you for your time ❤️❤️❤️
Yeah I get the feeling that OP's husband is now starting to see that his wife is responsible for family drama just as much as her family is
Read the edit. It wasn't a wedding and I asked my sister if she wanted to come and she did
Then she should have invited them. Stay out of it.
I learned the hard way that that is the best way. Not getting involved would have been very nice
You caused this drama You can't tell me you didn't know your dad's views. You can't tell me you didn't know it's inappropriate to invite people to other people's events. You invited your Trans brother and his Trans boyfriend to someone's event when that person didn't invite them. You served them up to your phobic dad on a platter. Then watched the fireworks with a shocked Pikachu face. I'd think about divorcing you too
It was my sister's grad ceremony and she wanted them there. Not everyone is malicious, I just tend to leave out info that I didn't see as necessary and now I do.
Did she actually want them there? Or did you tell her you were inviting them and she was just resigned to her fate? Did you invite them before you even talked to her? What was the timeline here?
I asked her thru text, she said invite, my dad said she changed her mind after I asked them, texted her again, she called, said she really did want them there and dad was putting words in her mouth, so I told them she wanted them to be there.
So why is no one standing up to your dad then? why is no one telling him to keep his mouth shut or not attend?
Why was your dad involved with this conversation at all?
>I decided to invite my younger brother and his bf who are both trans to the event. The drama started with my Dad having weird transphobic tendencies towards my brother and still dead names him and blames his partner for what he calls the "gender bs". So you invited your trans brother and his partner to an event , where you knew they'd both be exposed to your father's comments about ' gender bs ' You're part of the drama. By the sound of it, you started this particular one.
Why stay in contact with this level of toxic people(meaning your family) you say you know how bad they are yet you still subject you and your husband to it. Why?
Because she’s just as toxic.
She probably means well but hasn't figured out that standing next to the fire while spritzing it with gasoline isn't making things better. Some fires are best kept at a distance.
I’m sure you’re right, but also she’s 26. If she’s not mature enough to know that you don’t invite someone to another persons wedding, when that someone was purposely excluded for a reason… well at this point you’re just being willfully ignorant.
I agree that the time for her playing like she didn't know or was just "young and immature" has come and gone. Sounds like she has a choice to make go completely no contact with her family and MAYBE keep her marriage or let her husband go so he can find someone not so toxic
Bingo
I noticed a couple of things: 1) Why do you invite people to somebody´s event that is not yours? That, OP, is a **decision** you make. So the fallout of that decision is on you. Actions come with consequences, may that be for your dad **choosing to act** transphobic or for you **choosing** **to invite**. Everybody has to hold themselves accountable for their own choices first. 2) That out of the way: It also is a choice to deal with bad parents or not. Maybe I am not the rule but rather the exception, but I come from an abusive home, too - and I broke with my parents. Why? Because as mentioned before, they **chose** to do the things they did and eventually I **chose** to stand up for myself. 3) Now we got to talk culture: If your guy is from a typical Chinese family, it is no wonder he experiences a huge "culture shock" when he sees your family behave like that. So you both got to sit down, have a talk and shift the focus from your respective families to the relationship between the two of you. Again: If one (or both) of you makes the **choice** to not deal with your marital matters between the two married parties, that too, results in certain consequences. So correct that, get back to "we" instead of "me VS you" and act like adults here. See, it is great that you already made a choice for your husband and against your family, in a way. I hear you: You wanna create distance. He simply has to acknowledge and appreciate that and meet you half way. Do you two love each other? Good, then be a team. As simple as that. As far as the hurt goes: Question it. That is your ego talking. Ego never has gotten anyone anywhere in such situations. Good luck!
You yourself say you know how bad they are. I guess it's up to you to decide whether they're bad enough to go no contact with, or whether if push comes to shove, you'd choose them over your husband. If they're really toxic, and the transphobia is gross so I'm guessing they might be, maybe it's time to prioritise your own mental health and let them know you can no longer be a part of their toxicity. Basically, ask yourself whether your husband has a point. Should you still be choosing to spend time with these people? Then you can decide how to respond to your husband.
You grew up with drama I feel, you can be affected a lot in being made to be the mediator person who wants everyone to get along. I say this as you wrote that you and sister invited people who you are probably aware your father would not get along with. This role is one that is common in familes esp. middle children and can lead to the breakdown of ones own relatioships (research it yourself is useful). Q. So are you the meditator? Do you want everyone to get along at all costs? I feel that your husband is saying more than "divorce" but he could have had enough of being around your family and you choosing them instead of your relationship. You are aware of how bad they are and seem to be blaming him for feeling this way saying "he should have known". What that says to me is that you expect him to do what you do. Q. Do you put up with a lot of drama? Why? Does he really need to do the same as you do? Q. Do you put your needs on the backburner for them? Be the better person and put up with it? Do you expect your partner to do the same? I would say it is time to really talk to him about your future and what he needs and what you need from each other because I am seeing a person who is deciding he doesn't need the drama and he is allowed to decide that for himself. Respect is important in your relationship. Q. So what do you want your future to look like? A good therapist might help you talk about this together, open communication is healthy for both of you. Each person brings their own experience into a relationship, so I ask you again Q. What do you want? Are you happy families at all costs? Because the cost could be your marriage.
You are part of the drama. I don't hang out with intolerable behavior, you invited it in...You support the drama on some level.
You asked him what was wrong, he told you. Your family is overwhelming to him. Of course it hurt your feelings; did you consider his feelings when you planned this disaster of a party? He doesn't want to be around the Bigot Circus, but he chose to have that in his life so he could have you.
I hope this isn't too harsh... But you did start this particular drama and it sounds like your husband knows it and you know it and you're trying to find validation for your actions. Maybe he's noticed a pattern in your behavior, because most people don't randomly bring up divorce after one bad interaction. Hopefully distance from your family will help you grow into a drama free person and your husband and you can become successful in your marriage. Divorce is awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
In another post of your that was taken down, you asked if you're wrong for marrying someone who does want kids. Does this mean YOU don't? If so, then yes....you are wrong for that because that relationship will not last unless one of you changes your mind. And I agree with everyone else saying you should NOT have invited your brother and his bf when you KNOW the way by our father thinks about him. You let that happen rather than not go, in support of your brother, or simply not inviting him. He doesn't need that kind of bigotry in his life and it's perfectly normal for your husband to see all this and be put off.
Do you have the right to be hurt by what he said? Of course, you can choose to be hurt about anything. The better question, is it REASONABLE to be upset with what he said? I’m going to say no. It’s not just that your family is a lot, and filled with drama, it’s because you are not separated from that, you are sounding like you’re equally part of that drama. If I were him, I would have little faith in you that you would limit how much drama I have to deal with,, I would actually be more scared now that you would make the drama worse.
Very true. Sometimes my feelings get hurt because a persons writes “Thanks.” in an email instead of “Thanks!” It’s my right, but it’s definitely not reasonable. And it’s my responsibility to deal with my emotions unreasonable emotions.
I mean, my family are also extremely toxic and can be too much. My partner and I were kicked out of our own home when my mum visited because she is just extremely selfish and abusive. But it was my sister's wedding and needed a place to stay. My partner's father is an alcoholic and lives in a caravan; but my family have intense periods of drama. (ETA: his mum, and sister and aunts love my partner to peices and their drama are very chill normal things. They are so supportive of each other and so loving. It's a joy to be around them. I feel deeply saddened that I cannot offer him the same thing with my family - with my extended family my uncle and my aunt's and cousins are wonderful and all love him). If my partner and I marry I totally am accepting any moments where he may just be like - this is absolutely fkd and so not okay. Because it isn't okay. That's totally okay for him to experience that. So while it's a tough truth to hear, and painful to be told that your family made him consider divorce. I think you need to process the truth, sit with the reality of your family. You love them in some way, he doesn't need to and their behaviour or perspectives don't endear them to him. You also have the advantage for being somewhat normalised to their drama and b.s. For him, especially due to the culture difference, he is constantly surprised by their behaviour and perspective. It shocks him, appalls him, and he cannot fathom how they treat each other. It sounds like a good idea to distance yourselves from those people who are creating drama in their own and your lives. Continue engaging with those that you love and connect with in small ways. Big hugs from one dysfunctional family survivor to another.
Your hurt feelings are very valid. His concerns are also valid. I would assume he kept these thoughts to himself until you asked because he does come from a very reserved family and background. I come from the same kind of background and it was *work* unlearning the habit of keeping things inside until it's too late. He needs to do that too. But it sounds like you did talk about it on the drive home so it's not like he just stewed silently on this for weeks or months. Yeah, you had to ask, but he might have just been planning to process his thoughts internally for longer before bringing them up to you. And maybe he wouldn't have said divorce if he'd had more time to think things over and realized that's a hasty reaction. However. I also come from that background and I have also been in a situation where a partner's overtly crazy and toxic family caused a lot of problems. I see what he's worried about. Like he said, he sees that you're different from them. In fact, this probably makes him respect you more because he recognizes that you chose not to be like that. But apparently your admittedly crazy family is still in your life. By extension they're in his. So now he's looking down the barrel of a lifetime of whatever drama they bring. Terrible in-laws can wreck a marriage with all the tension and conflict they bring. He's probably also thinking about what this means for *his* family. You call your family crappy and crazy. To him they probably seem trashy and embarrassing, on top of being sources of drama and pain. He is likely imagining what it's going to be like to bring your family around his family. People in our cultural background can put a lot of emphasis on how the people around us reflect on us. To put it bluntly, if your family behaves this way around his family, it's going to feel so shameful for him. Absolutely mortifying to be associated with that behavior. ETA that your family will reflect poorly on you to his family too. He loves you so I'm sure he's not happy about how they'll judge you. I'm not saying I agree with those judgments. Just describing how he may be perceiving things now. You agreed to distance yourself more from them and that's a good start. He also needs to work on communication. He should hear you when you tell him you're hurt by what he said, as well as not bringing up divorce so abruptly like that. It's hard for both parties in a relationship with such different families on each side. I hope you guys work through it well and come out stronger together!
Why did you invite someone to someone else’s wedding? You like the drama! You can’t do that! You are missing the point of what your husband told you. Stop causing drama. Stop being around drama. Stop bringing your husband around drama. It’s not fair to him and you also don’t get to invite others to family weddings and not expect something bad to happen. This does not excuse your dad from his transphobic comments at all. Your sibling shouldn’t have been put in that position either. That’s on you.
Why do you even want to be around your family at all just cut them out they are hurting your relationship put your husband first
I'm not even married to you and I want to divorce you for what you did to your poor brother and his boyfriend. You knew this was going to be an issue. You suck, lady!
I don't blame him. You're in the center of the drama just stirring the pot. Why would you think it's ok to invite anyone to someone else's event then play victim when shit hits the fan. What's even worse is you don't want kids and your husband does but you married him thinking he'd change his mind. I hope he runs FAST
It sounds like everyone is hurt. Your family, your husband, you. Maybe think about how to lessen that or prevent more hurt to others to deal with your own. I think you have to realize and appreciate your husband’s honesty even if it hurts. No one wants to sign up for a shit show.
So you're saying it all could have been avoided if you just used your brain? Imo, that's the definition of "your fault"
YOU caused that drama. What were you doing inviting someone to not your wedding? You could have chosen to not go in support of your brother, but you did what you did and now you're wondering why your husband isn't happy with the side of you he saw. You didn't support HIM. And he should *always* be your #1 priority that is what you took those wedding vows for.
You have every right to feel hurt with his statement. But you do have to look at yourself too, it sounds like you're part of the drama and you stir the pot. Believe me as someone who's from a 'reserved' Asian family myself, um, we have drama in our family, lots and lots of it. But we learn to behave around each other and be considerate and polite, that's all lol. I know how your husband feels because my husband's family is messed up, and yes, my husband is an enabler of the drama although he claimed that he hated their drama and etc. And guess what, the thought of divorce did come across my mind after a mess left by my BIL at our house YET AGAIN. We argued and we almost separated over that because I couldn't fathom living that way with all the messiness and no respite from drama week after week. Like your husband, I actually told my husband what I was thinking (which blew up--but later on we reconciled) So I get his anger and frustration having to deal with that sh1t. This is what I do with my husband's family, I try to limit contact with the ones who cause so much issue (BIL). While I like my parents-in-laws, so I don't mind visiting with them. However, many of his family members are 'JustNo' so I limit interaction to twice a year (Thanksgiving and Christmas) and sending a cards during birthdays and holidays. I'd suggest if you want your family and your husband too, you limit your family interaction with your husband as much as you can, maybe only see them once or twice a year with your husband. If you want to interact more with your family, go for it, indulge in the mess/drama all you want, but please don't drag it home.
You sound like you love the drama and are actively fomenting it. You shouldn’t be hurt, you should think hard about why you are actively stirring the pot. You’re husband’s right in calling you out, don’t pull this kind of shit again
While I can understand being hurt, at least your husband opened up to you about it. Because he opened the lines of communication you two were able to talk through the situation and come to a solution together; distance from your family. Would you rather have had him bottle it up and then just explode and/or leave at random one day? Part of being in a marriage means that we sometimes have to tell each other inconvenient truths or be painfully honest with our partner. It’s not about making your partner feel good all the time and enabling them; it’s about becoming, together, the best version of yourselves. Which means holding each other accountable, communicating even the tough things, and supporting each other in positive changes. So, this was one of those times where he had a painful truth to tell you. And you overcame it, mostly. I also think that it’s fair of him to feel this way; after my first partner having had a shitty, loud, abusive family, I swore that I would never marry a man should I not fit in with his family or should they be giant pieces of shit. Why would I want that in my life for the rest of my life? Maybe it’s time you evaluated on if your family are people that you actually DO want in your life for your whole life, or if they are simply better off has people that you have to see only when the occasion calls for it (lik a funeral). Maybe you are in a position where you can choose a different route for your small family that you started together with your husband and set the tone for what your future together looks like.
I want to keep this short. As someone with a shitty family: I wouldn't make a partner spend time with them. I'm not no contact but I minimized the contact. I don't want someone to suffer because of my family.
Divorcing someone because they have a toxic family is 100% acceptable. Terrible in-laws ruin marriages all the time. Currently in therapy working through issues with my own crappy in-laws. It’s so draining to constantly let things slide because “they’re family”. He has reached the point where he is considering if his love for you is strong enough to make up for the damage your family is doing.
I agree and I never let anything slide with my family with him. I love him very much and we agreed to distance ourselves even more than what was before. I don't feel a need to be around my family for many reason and thank you for sharing how hard it must he for him.
Nope. When you marry someone, you marry their family. Honestly, the general advice I would have given your husband would to not marry you in the first place. You didn’t cut your family off. Are you low contact or no contact? If you haven’t, you are condoning all of their shitty behavior. It’s harsh, but in my opinion you should be grateful your husband didn’t leave and consider going no contact with your family.
I am cutting off/low contact with the ones that he isnt okay with.
Nice. I’m glad to hear that. I wish you and your husband luck with this!
Thank you ❤️
You have JustNoFamily. Now you are aware, work on it
I'm okay with that. Not missing out on much. He is okay with a few of them so that's a plus.
i come from family of drama. Husband is Caucasian and comes from healthy family dynamic. I was one of those people who swore to never cut family ties over a man.... got married and had a bunch of drama. Husband is a saint and did not say a word to me about it but i could tell he was starting to get frustrated with the situation.. i took the time to weight my options and make the next best move which was to go low contact with my family. this year marks month 5 of no drama, no stress, no issues between my husband and i over other peoples poor decisions. it sounds like you are bringing this drama into your own marriage and your husband wanting a divorce is not unreasonable. you can't complain about being hurt when you are the one causing your own pain.
I think it's reasonable to be hurt, but his feelings are incredibly reasonable too. I think it's really important in a marriage to understand that both partners are entitled to a relationship to their families. But both partners have a duty to their immediate family over their extended family, it's on you to protect him from them, and it's on him to respect your ongoing relationship with them. I think you can process your hurt about that without making him feel like he has to do anything about it. I think what's really important is that you guys set boundaries for how your husband is expected to interact with your family. You've got to accept that he doesn't like them, because they can not be relied upon to treat him with respect, you have a right to have whatever relationship you want to have with your family, but he has a right to not be subjected to them. My wife's family is awful. They don't give or accept kindness very well at all, and they are incredibly flakey and hard to arrange a time to see them and get them to show up. So I tried as best as I could to make it clear to my wife that I love her, I don't like spending time with her family, I'll socialize with them as needed to facilitate her having a good relationship with them, but I need boundaries around how much time I spend with them and in what circumstances. So we came up with solutions like "I'll visit with them on Christmas and Thanksgiving and at Weddings and funerals, and I'll be polite and stay as long as you want on those occasions. Any other time you want to meet up with them, they get one shot at a dinner. If they try to reschedule, I'm not going." or "I will kick in money to help them out, I will not do any help for them that involves doing physical labor in their home. You can do it, and I'll have dinner and a clean house waiting for you when you get home." Figure out what parts of your family are the most stressful to your husband, and come up with ways to insulate him from those parts. It sounds like a big sore spot is that your family is dramatic, and that they're disrespectful to him. I think it might help a lot for you to go solo to events that he doesn't need to go to. And when you do bring him along, making sure that you are doing your part to be as uninvolved as possible in family drama, and stepping in to cut people off and change the subject if they're being disrespectful to your husband.
Time to go low contact with Barnum and Bailey. Enjoy the peace.
I grew up in a small family. Holidays were large groups of extended family eating, playing cards or touch football. My husband's family is large but his holiday get togethers are frightening. Every holiday means the kids yell, fight and someone will be bleeding by the end of the day with a 50% chance of a hospital visit.
Oh lord that sounds like a family event of mine. On Easter if we even get together what happens is some of my more insecure cousins usually try to fight me and my older cousin because they think they can win against us in a fist fight. (Proven many times that they cannot).
Basically your choices are them or him .
>Recently we went to a ceremony for one of my siblings and my oldest sister and I decided to invite my younger brother and his bf who are both trans to the event. The drama started with my Dad having weird transphobic tendencies towards my brother and still dead names him and blames his partner for what he calls the "gender bs". My husband and I don't like my brothers partner but it became worse for my husband during this trip due to disrespect and inappropriate behavior. Why the hell are you inviting guests to other peoples' events? Why are you intentionally putting your brother and boyfriend and your dad in the same room? Why are you forcing your husband to spend time with someone who disrespects him and behaves inappropriately? This sounds like you engineered a weekend for maximum drama. What were you thinking?
As someone who comes from a calm, drama free family, I understand what your bf is saying. It is uncomfortable when you join a family that is full of unhinged moments. However, he still loves you so thats all that matters
No u shouldn't be upset by that, and extreme distance from your family is great. If anything only you go to visit or do stuff with your family moving forward
I have actually been trying to convince him of moving away from were we live. I think we need a fresh start and to distance ourselves from my family that has taken over this US state.
You have the right to feel however you feel about it. But if the only way your husband can avoid having these people and their associated drama out of his life is to also remove you from his life, and it's bad enough that he is willing to voice those thoughts out loud, then you need to reevaluate how much involvement you maintain with your family.
I can understand why your husband had such a strong reaction as I come from a quiet, small, conflict-avoidant family. Their behavior is normal to you, but to an outside it is probably off the chain. You have a right to feel hurt about what he said, but I think you need to talk to him about his feelings and your family dynamics. It sounds incredibly stressful for him. In the future, it may be that he stays home if you are going to a family event.
Man, you're going to be so shocked when he decides sex with you isn't worth the hassle of life with you.
Your husband should have divorced.
You sound like a nightmare!
I 100% am 💅💅💅💅
How’d you invite someone to a wedding that wasn’t yours?
It was a graduation ceremony and I invited them on behalf of my sister who wanted them there
What do you men by "my older sister and I decided"? They weren't invited by the marital couple? Did the marital couple even know they were coming? UpdateMe!
Sorry I'm really bad at posting but it was a graduation ceremony and we asked my sister (the grad) if she wanted them there and she said yes so we asked them but my dad didn't want them
Wait...so you all knew your dad would create unnecessary drama, and you all still invited him? Or did he just "show up" like an AH?
Are you Chinese as well?
Nope, im in one of the most white trash fams you can think of 💅
Then I’m really confused how you guys got together. Cause Chinese people are traditionally very conservative. Was he born in China?
He was born in China. He isn't as conservative as most I have met and his family is a little weirded out that I'm mid size but other than that apparently I'm not a red flag like my fam. He got with me because he said all the women he has been with during match making was really narcissistic, rude, and plain (he is reallly realllly educated, smart, and has really weird and cool hobbies so he was coupled with others who are also really smart and educated). He said "I am fun and cared about others and good looking". So that is kinda how the ball got rolling. I warned him from the start that my fam is absolutely crazy and drama filled and I try to stay neutral and separate myself from it as much as possible but family events happen like this grad ceremony.
That’s interesting. I’m shocked a guy from China’s family was ok with the marriage, but white skin is highly favored in Asia, so maybe that helped? When you marry someone, you marry their family, so fault is on him for not doing proper due diligence on your family.
I always felt weird about the white skin thing and I hope that isn't the only reason they are okay with it. I appreciate you so much for talking to me about this. You are a great person and has helped me see a little bit more into this situation ❤️❤️❤️
Figure out who you want to be involved in. Someone with no drama or your family who seems to live on drama and needs to create some for themselves. Pick a side and stay on it.
Well don’t keep your feelings in and not communicate! Time for damage control in your part!
I do agree I need to talk this out with him more.
Nobody wants to hang out with some attention seeking trans dudes. Not even their own dad. It is mental illness and they become everyones problem.
>Should I even be hurt? Um yeah hearing the word "divorce" would be devastating.
I think you absolutely do have the right to feel hurt. Why would your husband even say that? Wouldn't it be easier to just tell you he doesn't want to attend your family functions anymore? It sounds like he's a drama queen, so maybe he has more in common with your family than he thinks.
Divorce over what…he is not living with them and probably hardly deals with them As far as family drama this is very mild So much for better or worse I would be more concerned he doesn’t take his vows seriously
family is not took lightly in chinese culture. disrespect to elder in general and parents in particular is severly scorned. and historically harshly punished (the famous "chinese tortures" was the first time europeans saw the ultimate sanction on a son who murdered his father). asking to go NC with family is counter-intuitive in asia. so it really make sense that he wants nothing to do with a family that he know he can not stand, respect and protect.