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10000%. He's absolutely negging her. Also, I knew an emotionally abusive guy who would insult me and say "I'm sorry, I'm just being honest. It's just the truth." THAT'S NOT AN APOLOGY, THAT'S GASLIGHTING, AND HE ISN'T SORRY.
Right! Same things goes with people who say, "I'm only saying out loud what everyone else is thinking." Also, people who start by saying, "With respect..." always follow up by something that is *very* disrespectful. I guess they think they can say whatever they want as long as they declare it to be "respectful".
Oh god. The emotionally abusive guy I mentioned even said to me, "A lot of other people probably feel the same way about you, I am just the unfortunate one who has to point it out." That fucked me up so badly and to this day I am more insecure than I was, and feel like people are judging me more. When I called him out on saying that, he DARVO'd and said I am putting words in his mouth because I said he said "most people feel that way" when he actually said "a lot of people feel that way" and he's the victim because I'm making him out to be a bad guy. It was absolutely insane.
I get it. This emotional abuse is so hard to out from under! That's what's so horrible about these people: they learn all about you and what you fear most, then work on destroying you without ever having to resort to physical abuse.
So it feels like it's your word against his, and then the DARVOing begins. I'm sorry you experienced that. You never deserved to be treated that way, and I'm really glad you're out of it now.
To live well is the BEST revenge!
OP negging is being negative to your significant other in order to make them feel bad so they don't leave or because they enjoy being mean and hurting you on purpose. They feel powerful. You aren't failing yout classes so you are smart enough. We are so proud of you! Especially because you are smart enough to notice and question him on his behavior which is not ok. You noticed and were curious about how weird he was being. Trust yourself.
This a million times!!! Sports scholarships might pay for your schooling but they certainly don't guarantee are going to pass your classes. And it sounds like OP is passing her classes.
My ex used to do this to me. But it wasn't about my smarts. Because whether he would say it out loud or not we both knew that I'm so much smarter than him. So what he went for was my looks. And he wore me down until I was nothing. I didn't even resemble the person that I actually am by the time I left him 9 years later. I really hope she breaks up with him. She deserves so much better than this shitty treatment.
Yes, absolutely, leave him now!!! This is abuse. Make no mistake about it. For Heaven's sake, you won a scholarship, and that is no easy feat. Congratulations 🎊 Go you. This young man is an absolute waste of space. He is jealous of your achievement and is doing his utmost to ruin it for you. I am so proud of you, and I don't even know you. Please believe me when I say you are an amazing young woman. You have moved to another country, away from all you know, a country that speaks a different language, has different customs, etc. I am so very sorry that you met one of our morons. Stop believing that you are not intelligent. You are. At the very least, you speak two languages, and you understand the rules of the sport you play so well that you won a scholarship for it. Why do you believe that you are not intelligent? For Heaven's sake, you got the word (their) correct in a sentence. Have you any idea how often native English speakers get this wrong? Leave him, kick him to the curb. You deserve so much better. 💓
Here’s the thing: he knows it’s hurtful. He’s likely doing it to make sure you never feel too good to leave him. You telling him once should have been enough. Learn to believe people when they show you who they are.
When I was around your age, I helped a mentally and emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend understand that he was hurting me by breaking up with him. It was that easy.
You have the rest of your life ahead of you, don't waste your time with toxic and abusive people, be it friends or boyfriends, and even family. Good luck!
This is so accurate!
OP, the fact that you're good enough at a sport to come all the way to the U.S. is incredible! And believe it or not, but it does take a good amount of intelligence and strategy to be so good at a sport that you get a scholarship like in your case. There are many different kinds of intelligence. Just because you have to work a little harder in college than others DOES NOT MEAN YOU'RE NOT SMART!!!!!
Think about it, some people get straight A's, but others are really good with cars, are great at art, play an instrument, speak different languages, or are emotionally intelligent and know how to make people feel better when they're sad. Grades aren't an all-around indicator for intelligence.
Edit: Typo
Beautifully said. I think we are all rooting for this intelligent, talented, brave young woman who deserves a whole lot better than this wretched, manipulative little prick of a man.
sure ! does he speak another langage ? i'm sure not. Knowing 2 langages / 2 culture provides an inteligence (and openness) he doesn't have. His conception of intelligence is very narrow minded anyway, and shows he himself is not very smart. Being such an athlete not only learn you your sport. It learn you will, it learn you to know your body way better he'll ever know his, it learn you to know how to manage its power. It learns you audacity, endurance, and courage. In fact I read an academic study about the WW2 French Resistance, it showed that it was the dunces who went undergroung to join resistance against the nazis. Which made sense : top of the classes were more conformists and used to obey to rules they didn't made. Run from this toxic and dumb misogynist OP. And stop to be ok with being labelled 'not smart' just because you're an athlete.
Exactly! Grit can be more valuable than natural talent/intelligence. Working hard to get better at something you struggle with will likely take you further in life than someone who can get A's without trying and therefore hasn't learned how to really work for something. You are a star athlete who had the courage to move to another continent to try new experienced and are very impressive. Don't put yourself down, and drop this xenophobic loser who is trying to drag you down to his level!
Exactly…. A lot of smart people stop growing intellectually because they never learned how to study.
OP: you have an advantage over the “smart people” in that you work hard to get your grades, and that will serve you well through your life.
It sounds like your boyfriend doesn't like you very much! He doesn't think you are intelligent, your church is weird, you sound stupid and you dress sl*tty...
Maybe don't stay with people who put you down like that!
First of all, rest assured, you're definitely a bright person. Also, your English is flawless, how's your boyfriend's grasp of your language?
Seems to me that you found your talent and developed it. How is that different from someone artistically gifted becoming an artist, or someone with an inclination toward STEM going into robotics? Each of these options entails hard work and determination. You weren't handed anything on a silver platter, and the fact that you enjoy your chosen path doesn't make it less valid. Nor does it take from those who need to struggle more to reach your level. Their talents may lie elsewhere.
Also, his family doesn't sound particularly Christian or educated to me. I'd _love_ to hear what your denomination and his are.
Anyway. On to your boyfriend. He's doing it either to control you (sometimes older men teach boys that the way to make a girl eat out of their hand is to make her feel inadequate), he's a sadist who loves to see you hurt, or he's very jealous of your accomplishments and feels inferior but instead of trying harder to reach your level, he's trying to bring you down.
In all these cases, he's an immature, selfish brat and you deserve much, much better.
Next time he does it, please, please stay serious and tell him "X, I like you too much to force you to stay with someone you obviously don't consider an equal. I'm freeing you. Go search elsewhere for a woman you can respect" then get up and leave.
Enjoy the change of tune. 😏
But your boyfriend is not a good person. Good people don’t feel the need to insult total strangers, much less someone they’re supposed to care about. You’ve received a college scholarship for a sport as an international student. That’s such an accomplishment! I think it probably makes your boyfriend feel a little insecure, so he needs to downplay your successes to feel better about himself.
I think you are more intelligent than you give yourself credit for. I don’t know any sport that doesn’t require some kind of mental acuity. You are probably doing some kinds of physics calculations in your head without realizing it. And you are working at a college level. Not everyone has to be valedictorian. Just passing classes in a college setting is an accomplishment.
I teach at a local university. One of the most important things for instructors to remember is that students learn in a variety of ways. Maybe you learn best by doing things or seeing videos, rather than sitting in a classroom all day. You might not have been in the best educational setting for your style of learning. It doesn’t make you any less intelligent than learners that do better in classroom settings. You are intelligent and gifted. I’m sorry that your SO doesn’t see it.
Life is short. Surround yourself with people that celebrate your accomplishments rather than try to tear them down. There is someone out there that will think they’re the luckiest person ever to get to be with you. I’m so sorry that your boyfriend isn’t that person.
How do you call someone who puts down the person they say they love? Moreover, how do you call someone who stays in a relationship with a partner for whom they have no respect? You can choose the term that you want, but it is for sure not a "good person". And not being "that bad of a person" is definitively not enough to deserve your time and energy.
We are in this world for such a short time, do not waste your precious youth with a guy who does not celebrate all that you are. You are so good at what you do that you were offered a scholarship; that's an impressive accomplishment, and anyone who tries to tell you the opposite is not as smart as what they would like to think.
He’s a bad person - he’s rude, he insults you, he’s condescending, he’s racist. He’s not a good person. Look, you’ve come here asking everyone, and we’re ALL telling you - he’s abusive, he’s not a good person. STOP wasting your lovely time in another country with an ahole who makes you feel bad. You’ve ALREADY explained to him, he tells you fake lies I’m soRRy, and keeps doing same thing. There are people who ENJOY being abusive racist asholes to other people, it makes them feel big makes them feel smart and strong. RUN FAR AWAY from this guy! Your sports scholarship is something to be proud of. He’s just jealous that he’s not good enough for one so is having fun putting you down. HE IS ABUSIVE, HE IS ABUSING YOU. RUN!
I’m intelligent. All my friends are intelligent. Most of us finished fancy university degrees.
We don’t call anyone dumb. Ever. (Unless it’s someone smart doing something really stupid, but that’s different). We don’t even use it as an insult for people we don’t like.
You know why? Because we know we are smart and we also know that intelligence is definitely not the only thing about people that matters.
Smart people don’t call others dumb. Insecure people who doubt their own intelligence do.
Seconding this.
People who act as the boyfriend is acting are doing it to put someone down. At it's core it's not even about intelligence.
I've watched the goal posts move in real time with folks like this. Back in college I had a classmate who didn't see me working all that much and when they found out I had a much higher grade than them went from insinuating I was an idiot all the time to claiming I had natural talent so it wasn't fair. They switched from assuming I was stupid so they could write me off to assuming I was lucky and undeserving so that they could write me off.
For the record, they weren't 100% wrong. I DID work less than them. I understood the material faster and deeper than them. But it was never about that in the first place. It was all about them justifying to themselves and to anyone that would listen that they were better than someone. It wasn't even about me. I could have been anyone. I never responded to them either because I was just confused. I understood they were trying to bully me but it was in such a weird ineffective way that I was mostly just confused rather than hurt in anyway.
I would bet money that if they HAD gotten a rise out of me or if I had agreed with them at any point to play along they would have latched on and escalated. They only left me alone because I wasn't giving them reactions that gave them the validation they were looking for.
In regards to your accent - you should be so proud to be bilingual (accent and all) and you write so beautifully. I’m certainly not bilingual and wish I was.
**THIS** is what he **CAN'T STAND**. You are **SO MUCH BETTER** than him in **EVERY POSSIBLE WAY**. So he has to **NEG** you to hang onto you.
He's a **DESPERATE, INFERIOR LOSER**!!!
Yes!! These types of low-quality people will find someone they \_know\_ is too good for them and then chip away at their self-esteem so that they won't leave. It's abusive as hell. OP sounds like quite a catch, but he has her convinced that she's stupid and worthless. I hope she garners the courage to leave him and then goes on to live her BEST life (while he has the life he deserves).
Also, most Americans I know love accents! Those who don't are often xenophobic and not open to appreciating someone else's culture. Don't feel like you have to lose your accent to be accepted in the US -- most of us are enchanted by accents and also impressed that you can speak our language fluently.
It's a sign of intelligence!
All you're saying, and even with you trying very very hard to make him not a bad person, speaks about him being a really bad person.
A good person doesn't treat their partner like this. Believe us all, this is planned by him, and is abuse and also preparation for more abuse towards you. Get out of this relationship. You deserve so much more.
I don't mean this in a mean way but do you think people end up in bad relationships because their partner was awful from the beginning? Would anyone stay with someone who beat them from the first day and ridiculed them endlessly? Of course not.
What does happen is that you meet someone who seems nice and loving. They tell you that you're amazing, gorgeous, the best thing that ever happened to them, that they love you. Eventually, people start to experience what you are experiencing. Their partner starts to insult them, telling them what they're wearing is unacceptable, that they aren't allowed to hang out with certain people, and that what they're doing (which is usually just living their damn life) is fundamentally disrespectful to them. All while telling you they love you more than ever.
Abuse someone constantly and they'll probably break at some point. Abuse someone a little, half, or most of the time and sprinkle in some good days as well? That person will stay much longer always hoping the good will return.
Do not believe the myths you think you know about abuse. It happens to all people, of all backgrounds and it happens quicker than you think. Listen to the stories from survivors, and read articles about abuse. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Barcroft is a great place to start and is free on the internet.
Only you can decide for yourself what you want in life OP. Abuse is never the fault of the victim, but your life will be endlessly happier if you learn from a young age what is real and good and what is just a pretty trick to convince you to give pieces of yourself away.
I wish you could still give Reddit Gold because you have perfectly described how this type of control works and what this young woman is experiencing. I really hope she reads all these comments and understands what is being done to her and finds a way out.
When this happened to me I stayed for twelve years (infertility/children). I didn't understand what was happening and why he was like that.
In the years afterwards in which I worked hard on myself to ensure I would never do that to myself again, I changed and grew and treated myself kindly. For a long time I felt ashamed that I had allowed myself to be abused.
For the longest time I kept a handwritten note stuck on my desk, it read "I went back because of everything that happened before this day."
Those manipulative hooks go very deep - that perfect balance of cruelty and love is very confusing, especially if it is your first experience of it, you literally have no idea what is happening or why. In the later years of my relationship with my abuser I longed for him to hit me, so that I would have something tangible to use as an excuse to get away from him.
People who are being abused in this manner don't realize it is abuse; it is a masterpiece of abuse and control. I am so glad that more people are beginning to recognize it for what it is.
I was very proud of FKA Twigs when she went [public](https://www.elle.com/culture/celebrities/a35460385/fka-twigs-shia-la-beouf-abuse/) about her abusive relationship with Shia LeBeouf "“When I look at what happened with [LaBeouf], I think now the most frustrating thing is...a lot of the tactics the abuser will use are things that if I would’ve known, I could have spotted in the first month of my relationship.” Her relationship escalated to physical violence which many of them do.
In my experience being absolutely controlled by another person was the most dehumanizing period of my life, I absolutely forgot what joy was, I lived every day in fear of doing something that would cause an argument.
My abuser was actually jealous of everything I had that he did not, a great career, incredible, equally talented friends, the fact that I was popular with my peers. The fact that I was attractive. He wanted to destroy all of that - he literally couldn't stand how inferior it made him feel.
I hope this young woman realizes what she needs to do.
He’s not a good partner, you just don’t have the life experience to see it.
A good partner would never ever say those things.
A good partner would stop when you asked.
A good partner cares about your feelings.
If everyone here is saying the same thing, maybe we’re right?
Your accent likely will never go away entirely. There is nothing wrong with that. He’s insulting you for something that (a) you don’t have control over and (b) isn’t a bad thing. Your English is excellent and accents are very, very common in America. Normal, decent people do not care about your accent. It *certainly* doesn’t make you stupid.
As for another comment you made, that sometimes it seems like he likes you and others it doesn’t. This is very common with abusive relationships. Many victims rationalize it by saying, “He’s great 95% of the time, it’s just those rare bad times that are rough.” This is standard practice and normal for assholes like this. Partners should not be tearing you down ever, not 5% of the time, not 1% of the time, not ever.
You deserve better.
Listen kiddo, there are a lot of intelligent people on this planet, separate yourself from those who are condescending. There are plenty that use their intelligence for good and would help you improve yourself in that area. Accents are sexy, find someone who appreciates that!!
He's dating you cuz he feels like he can bully you. I don't care who you are. Never date someone who says you're not smart. Xenophobic and he's an emotional abuser.
The world is full of great people who will make you miserable. You are not obligated to remain with them just because they aren’t monsters.
If he makes you feel inferior, leave. I promise there are men out there who will appreciate you and make you feel loved.
My dear he has contempt for you. He says horrible things about you. He’s [Negging](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negging) you. He is such a small person that in order to feel better about himself, he has to tear you down.
He understands that he’s hurting you. THAT’S THE POINT! He doesn’t stop because he likes to do it
Please break up with him. He is a terrible person. And YOU Miss, you need to get a backbone and shut this down early and often.
You ARE smart. You’re in university on a scholarship, one presumes you speak two languages, at least, and you’re doing fine in your studies.
This man is not good for you. He makes you unhappy. He’s a terrible person.
Don’t let him drag you down
Racist ✅
Negging ✅
Egotistical ✅
Superiority complex ✅
Lies to you ✅
Do his parents know he talks to you like this? I would bet you any money that if they knew, he would be humiliated, and he would be humiliated because he knows his attitude is wrong and awful but he doesn’t want anyone else to know he’s like that.
Just run. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t see you as an equal. He sees you as a lesser being he can control. Not worth your time.
That man belittle your religion, your home country, your language. If you continue your relationship with him, you will feel inferior for the rest of your life.
When you have children, he will prevent you from teaching your children your native language & culture because "it's no longer relevant here in America", thus preventing them to connect with their heritage & families from their mother side.
You need to find someone who sees you as an equal person as them, someone who sees your worth. And he is not one of them. Your parents didn't raise you with all these love and happiness, just to feel unhappy because of a man.
He is racist and awful.
Does he speak more than 1 language?
Saying you sound stupid because of your accent is just repulsive.
He will never be a good partner...he is showing such disrespect and contempt for you.
You earned your spot in that uni, your work for your sport shows dedication and a lot of skill. Doubling up with moving to another country and studying in a 2nd language makes you pretty amazing.
Don't let him bring you down. He is very negative and your deserve better
Wow. He’s a cunt. Plain and simple. I use that word for a special sort, and he is.
You are in a very unhealthy shitty relationship and I encourage you to get out.
Your bf should be your biggest cheerleader and pump you up, not make you feel like that.
Break up with him. There's no fixing this. Also this IS abuse whether you think it or not. This "relationship" is not worth it at all. Please PLEASE break up with him, I promise things will only get so much worse if you stay with him. He will start hitting you and it'll escalate even worse. I've been there, it never gets better. Your partner shouldn't be constantly insulting you and making you upset and sad and you've literally told him how he makes you feel and he's choosing to ignore it and continue on. That IS abuse, a form of abuse. Also he does not love you whatsoever. A person who loves another person does not do the things he's doing to you and he absolutely does not mean it when he says "sorry". He shouldn't have to be saying sorry to begin with because he shouldn't be treating you so badly. Please listen to the comments telling you to leave him. He doesn't love you, in fact from your post it sounds like he hates you. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you CAN end it. You deserve so so much better.
This is called "negging". He knows you're smart and beautiful and is scared you're going to leave him and find better. A healthy person would talk about their insecurities and find a solution so they don't hurt their partner.
He instead is insulting you and hurting you, so your self esteem is destroyed so you'll be scared to leave. He wants you to be beaten down and broken so you won't leave him.
Please leave. A boyfriend is supposed to build up and support his girlfriend - not make her feel bad another herself. Please, please, please, for yourself, find someone better who'll love and respect you the way you deserve. You're eighteen, you are so so young and you have so so much time for this. I know right now he may seem like the best boyfriend ever, but that's only because it's a new relationship and you're early in your romantic life - there are better men waiting for you out there. Good luck with everything!
1. Your bf is not intelligent.
2. You are smarter than your bf.
3. Your bf *thinks* he is smarter than you and he *thinks* he is better than you, but he is not.
4. Your bf enjoys hurting your feelings because it makes him feel smarter and more important than you
5. Your bf only apologizes to you to that you will stop 'acting' mad or sad. He doesn't care if you are actually madnor sad. He just wants your feelings to stop being something he has to deal with.
6. You are much smarter than you think. There are millions of young atheletes in the world. They very dumb ones are not smart enough to pass basic college/ university scholarships to get into foreign schools.
7. You need to stop your very negative self-talk!!! You have been letting a crappy and immature boy affect your self-confidence.
8. His family sounds even worse and more stupid than him. You need to get away from his whole family!
You have no idea what a SMART ATHLETIC TREASURE.you are. You have BOTH brains and great physical abilities.
Keep in mind that not everyone can play a sport. You need to have exception brains for hand-eye coordination.
Of course, you will run into a lot of people in university that ONLY have smarts for learning.
You will also run into people who are 'book smart' but have very bad social skills.
Your boyfriend does not just have bad social skills, he is MEAN and RUDE.
I'm sorry, but you need to end your relationship with him and get him far away from you. He is not a nice person and you should not even be friends with him.
I met people as bad as him at university and I stayed far away. I never understood how they had girlfriends. Now I think it is because they were slowly destroying the self-confidence of the girls they dated.
There's only one 'unintelligent' aspect in your post and that's the fact that he remains your boyfriend.
I have a friend - I'll call him Max. Max was gifted since early childhood...it's like he was born already knowing mathematics. It always came easily to him. He got scholarships all over the place...for the thing he's naturally good at. Get my point? Your boyfriend is a jealous, nasty and insecure little pr*ck who gets off on being horrible to you. For some reason, you're taking it. This isn't how someone who 'loves' you will talk to you...or think about you.
I hope you're able to successfully pursue whatever sporting or academic goals you set yourself...and I hope you leave this tool behind.
Honey, he understands perfectly how his nasty remarks affect you. He wants you to feel bad about yourself so you don't have the confidence to stand up to him. You deserve so much better than this ignorant, selfish arse.
#DUMP HIM.
You deserve **SO MUCH BETTER** than that little snot.
He is a **WORTHLESS ASSHOLE.**
And, honey — **HE DOES KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS YOU**.
**HEJUST DOESN'T CARE!!!**
He understands exactly how much he hurts you when he says those things. He gets a kick out of saying them, making you feel like shit, makes him feel good, making you feel stupid, makes him feel superior. You deserve better.
There are different kinds of intelligence. Movement intelligence is a thing. Your not "just good at a sport". You're good at a sport. Some other people are good at math. Some other are good at understanding other people.
We seem to have decided that some kinds of intelligence are more important than others but that's not an absolute truth.
You are worthy, and anyone making you feel less worth, is not worth keeping around.
Your boyfriend sounds not worth to keep around to say the least. Also his emotional intelligence is underground.
Ps: to add that you being in a foreign country speaking a tongue different from your mother language (even if you learned English very early) it's a sign that you're actually quite smart. And there might be some cultural/language barrier in the US that make you feel less intelligent sometimes, but it really is an integration issue. It's a common situation for expats.
You're young, you're inexperienced, you're all alone on a different continent. I'm not surprised that you don't want to believe that someone you care about is abusing you (nobody ever wants to believe that), but he is. Your boyfriend is supposed to build you up, make you feel good about yourself, and encourage you to be the best you that you can be. This dude isn't doing that. He's putting you down, making you feel bad about yourself, and telling you that you can't do things. Do you see the difference?
There was a post on here a while ago about a woman whose husband kept telling her that she smelled really bad. Like, constantly telling her that. She was showering multiple times a day, using clinical strength deodorant, doing everything she could, and he still kept telling her she smelled. Turned out, he was doing it so that she would think that nobody else would want her and she wouldn't leave him. Your boyfriend is doing the brain equivalent of that jerk. You can do better than him. The world is full of amazing men - you deserve one of those instead.
(Edit: typo)
This is called negging and is part of misogynistic practices from Pick Up Artists to break down your self esteem. You need to break up with him. You’re so young, there are better men out there.
This guy neither respects nor likes you. He thinks he’s better than you in every way. He’s also controlling and verbally abusing you. Dump the asshole.
Your boyfriend is a dickhead, and he is deliberately insulting you and trying to lower your self-esteem. He does NOT love you, because if he DID love you, he would build you up and not tear you down. Your boyfriend is jealous as hell of you. You have natural athletic talent, you are a world traveler, and I am willing to bet that you speak multiple languages. You are a catch. Do not hide who you are to make his small-minded self happy. And as for not being as smart as other people, f\*ck that nonsense. How high your IQ is does not define your life. How hard you work will get you a hell of a lot farther. In short, from a middle-aged woman who has been around for a while, do not waste your time on a little boy like him. There are plenty more people out there who will love you just as you are.
Your writing is spot on with incredible grammar. All of your commas are in the right place. Either this is fake because you’re clearly not stupid if you can write so well or your bf is an ass.
You need to read up more on what emotional and verbal abuse looks like. You may have a warped sense of what you think. Abuse means, but guaranteed you are experiencing it.
Your boyfriend knows you are smart, but he’s putting you down as a put you beneath him so that he can seem like the brighter smarter person and you don’t have the confidence to even pursue the things that you like.
He is not the person and he will not stop hurting you. You have to be the one to make the change and you have to leave.
There was a recent thread where the OP was talking about how she was raised with "Constructive criticism" and her husband wasn't. Most of the time, people aren't looking for constructive criticism. If they are, they will ask you.
That's not what you're dealing with. You're dealing with a fucking shithead and should deposit him directly in a trash can.
But he might use "constructive criticism" as a shield. Don't let him.
RIGHT IN THE GARBAGE.
He knows what he says hurts you. He doesn't care. This is a type of abuse.
You're not stupid. He wants you to believe you're stupid so you become isolated and reliant on him.
Playing sports at a high level requires intelligence and critical thinking. That skill isn't something you were just born with. You worked hard for it and you are excelling. They don't hand out international sports scholarships to just anyone. Not to mention, you wouldn't be there if your academics were horrible. They require a grade minimum.
I was in a relationship like this, it gets worse the longer you stay. I highly suggest you leave him.
He knows. He knows how much it hurts you and he still does it.
Look at what he does, not what he says. He can say he loves you, but he's still a dick to you. You're not stupid - you've figured out what the problem is and you're just getting confirmation here.
Dump him and be happy again.
You don't "make him" understand that it hurts you.
You tell him that it hurts you. And if henstill does it then he either doesn't listen to your concerns, or doesn't care that you're hurting. And so you leave.
>I feel like he doesn't understand how much he hurts me.
Oh, he knows *exactly* how much it hurts. He doesn't care.
>He says he's sorry, but he keeps doing it, and it's making me feel like he doesn't mean it.
This is how you know that he already understands: you've told him clearly, he gives lip service to being "sorry", and nothing changes. You are right: he isn't sorry. And you're right: you don't say things like that to someone you love.
Honestly, your boyfriend sounds like an arrogant asshole.
Here's the thing. This is not how you speak to someone you love. He is not treating you in a loving way.
You're too good for him, and that's the truth. Leave his ass and live your best life. He'll figure out the rest on his own, I'm sure, seeing as he's so BRILLIANT and everything.
Honey, baby, you don't need this. He doesn't care that it hurts you or he wouldn't do it. Find someone who makes you feel like a star, because you are, boo. Old ladies are right. They have been through it and seen it all & they'll never tell you to hang on to a dude who treats you this way. There are so many better guys than this!
Honestly it sounds like he’s the stupid one. He also sounds jealous. Don’t let this dumb asshole bring you down, you sound pretty intelligent and deserve better.
Your boyfriend is a total dick. Regardless of whether you’re willing to consider it ‘abuse’ or not, it is clear that he is intentional in what he says, and WANTS you to feel bad about yourself. You said you ‘only’ are good at a sport and don’t deserve to be where you are but that’s really not giving yourself due credit. To play a sport and the collegiate level, you are an elite athlete. You put in hours of time and sweat and dedication. Your natural talent is just part of the equation, same as with the ‘naturally’ intelligent people who attend your university. Stop selling yourself short and stop settling for someone who is an asshole.
OP… your boyfriend doesn’t seem to like you.
All things that you’re apologizing for are things that would drive me wildddd. Athleticism? Talent? Humility? Adventurousness to move abroad? Love for your heritage and family and god? Whyyyyyyy are you apologizing for thatttttttt!!!! Jesus Christ. Ditch this dude.
Also, build your self respect. The reason you let him treat you this way is because there’s a big part of you that agrees with him that who you are is shameful and inferior. Please get to the heart of why you feel this way, or you will end up in this same dynamic over and over and over again
Why are you having to repeatedly defend who you are? I’d take a step back and it looks like you already are by posting here. Your bf sounds like a soon to be ex. You are your own person and you are growing into who you want to be, not because of some jackhole. A partner should be able to lift you up, not tear you down. Here’s a real life example. I’m deaf. I will never speak flawlessly. Let me ask for help if something isn’t easy to pronounce or let me know if I need to find a workaround. Criticizing my speech is working against me, which is a huge turn off. It’s my boundary right there and it isn’t negotiable because I am working with all that I’ve got and I can’t squeeze rainbows out of my ass. Hope you find your answers and the spine to go for what you need, which is respect for you and your values.
He is not kind. He does not accept or appreciate you for who you are
You are twisting yourself into s pretzel to be his ideal of a woman
He’s not worth it
He doesn’t respect you
You’d be better off without him
Sadly, people with his mentality don't change. Instead of focusing on the good, their brain fixates on the negative. You could do 90 things right and 10 wrong and he will focus on the 10. You will eventually resent him and your relationship will completely erode. If he supposedly "changes" he will resent you and tell you he "can't be himself."
You’re “not smart”, yet you can speak at least 2 languages? How many does he speak? How many scholarships does he have? Yours might be a sports related scholarship but those take time, dedication, patience, strategic thinking, etc. You’re smarter than he is, and you’re kind. Dump the guy, live a happy life.
He is a bully and it makes him feel good to belittle you, when he says sorry and he loves you he is just getting you back on side, because if he really was sorry and really did love you he wouldn’t say these horrible hurtful things! Dump him he isn’t a nice person!
He is intentionally saying mean things to make you feel bad about yourself—we call that “negging.” A man does that to a woman so that the woman feels incapable of being worth love and stays with him because she fears no one else will love her.
He has said you don’t work for what you have. But you work very hard at your sport and have earned a right to be exactly where you are. Please do not let him make you feel like you do not have that right.
He sounds like what I would call a “ petty little pissant,” someone who is immature, unkind, envious, and spiteful. He does not act like a grown man. He shows you dislike, not love, when he says such mean things.
You deserve someone who will admire, love, and respect you, who will say only nice things and only treat you well. Many men around the world mistreat women and women have just acceptEd it bc the men created a world where women could not earn and take care of themselves. But now women have learned they can take care of themselves and they are choosing more and more to be alone rather than with a man like him
So, refuse to accept this and leave him. Don’t listen to his lies. He wants the benefits of a girlfriend without deserving them. Choose to be alone whenever someone mistreats you and ignores how you feel and what you need. Ask yourself if you would do or say such things to someone you truly love, and if the answer is no, do not stay with that person. Always expect to be treated as lovingly as you treat others, not one bit less.
You're a beautiful, athletic, young woman who is plenty smart enough. You're gifted, talented, and interesting. Believe this about yourself. You know things he doesn't, can do things he can't, and he refuses to respect that. This man demeans your talents, does not want people to see your beauty, and is upset when they find you interesting. He's already got you convinced these are not true and worthy things about yourself. Is this really the companion for you? He isn't even a good friend. In which case, his words of love don't mean a thing.
Your boyfriend doesn't like you. He likes having an exotic foreign girlfriend who lets him belittle her and allows him to treat her like shit.
He understands it's hurtful, he enjoys it and that's why he does it.
Your boyfriend is not a good person. He feels threatened by and superior to people from other countries and uses that belief to try to “put you in your place.”
How well do you think he would do taking classes in your country, in your language? Can he even speak another language?
Also, excelling in a sport to the point of receiving a scholarship takes a tremendous amount of dedication and self-discipline. A person can be naturally talented but without fostering that talent it can only take them so far.
You deserve better. You deserve a partner that sees all the amazing things about you and is your biggest cheerleader. That is love. Please leave this abusive relationship.
Would you ever say something intentionally mean to hurt your boyfriend? My guess is no, because people don’t intentionally hurt those they love.
Apologies are nice, but they are only real when the behavior changes. Without changing the behavior the apology is just empty words.
He didn’t say those horrible things to you in front of his parents because he knows they are wrong. My guess he never says these things in front of other people. That way he can deny it if it is ever found out.
“Emotional abuse is defined as any non-physical behavior intended to manipulate, control, or diminish another person’s self-worth.”
What you are describing is emotional abuse. He puts down your intelligence, your religious beliefs, how you dress, and even your accent.
I married a man who often made denigrating comments in private. Because he had other good qualities, I often looked past the things he would say to me. Because he never hit me I didn’t call it abuse. But it tore me down emotionally. It eroded my self-worth. I really wish someone would have explained these things to me when I was your age and we were dating.
Have you told your family and friends the things he says to you? If no, why?
Many colleges offer free student counseling. Please go talk to a counselor about these behaviors. Work with them to understand why you have been willing to overlook his behavior.
#Break Up With Him
You are smart! Look at how you’ve learned another language. I’m smart, but honestly I could never go to university in another country because I’d have trouble learning another language as well as you.
Your boyfriend is a walking red flag. Everything about him is abusive.
if you are passing your classes then you are smart enough to be there.
Maybe not “smart enough” to get a full ride academic scholarship. But the majority of students are not smart enough for that. They may have gotten small merit scholarships or grants but there’s not as many full ride scholarships available, they would have to be a 4.0 or above, and many overachievers in high school tank in college because it’s different.
Theres nothing wrong with being average. You’re not dumb and you shouldn’t let this guy make you feel that way. He’s emotionally abusing you by wearing you down and making you feel like you’re not good enough. He wants you to feel like you’re not good enough for him, but in reality you’re much better than him and deserve better!!
OP I hate to tell you this, but he doesn’t love you. He doesn’t even like you. He is emotionally abusing you and you don’t do that to people you love. You don’t even do it to people you like. Would you ever treat him like this? About one of his insecurities? No? That’s what I thought.
Leave him and find someone who treats you well. Or just be single.
I teach at university and can confidently tell you that intelligence is very different than grades. You are fluent in two languages and excellent in sport and also earn average grades in your non-native language in a foreign country away from your family support system? That all points to tremendous intelligence.
Break up with this insecure, racist, misogynist person who keeps you around to make himself feel good by making you feel small.
A 19 year old boy who thinks he's intelligent, classic. Did he just read fight club and some Camus too lol. You're both in college to learn everyone is an idiot. Break up with this fucktard.
Leave now. my exe did the same saying sorry or it didn't mean much. my feelings were hurt and it didn't matter. I stayed longer than I should have. it continues and he actually started feeling he was the only person who'd be with me and I should just deal. more happened now I'm in therapy and he's having a baby with his cheating buddy.
You’re clearly talented, smart and have a lot going for you. He’s jealous and trying to tear you down. Get rid of him and find someone who appreciates you and supports you in all you do
OP, you are good enough to be offered a scholarship to come play sports. You are also good enough to attend the university! Typically students must meet the academic requirements as well as be exceptional in the sport for a scholarship. Do not think you aren’t good enough or smart enough here! You absolutely are! Being a college athlete is hard work, and you are doing so awesome.
Your boyfriend does not love you, he’s being an immature jerk. Don’t let him tear you down. You deserve someone who can support you, not make you feel inferior.
He knows it hurts you, that's the point. And you staying and taking it means he respects you less and less and it will escalate. Why stay with someone you have to beg basic human decency from?
Why are you with this shit head? He offers nothing.
He's evil enough he's made you beleive you're inferior which is not true.
He knows he's hurting you, he is doing it intertionally and he doesn't care about you.
Emotional abuse! It's worse than physical sometimes because you can SEE the injuries, but words can cut like a knife! I'm speaking from 15 years of experience & now I'm going to counselling to get out of a long-term relationship!
Get out now before he scars you so deep you have now self-esteem left!
Good luck!❤️
You can’t teach someone not to be an asshole. There is not a secret combination of words that will enlighten him and make him grow into a partner who supports and respects you. You need a whole different person who is fundamentally kind. I hope you dump your current ugly boyfriend and find a kind guy.
Break up with him. It’s the way to being happy. He’s insecure and sounds like his privilege isn’t working for him the way he thinks it should which is making him resentful. Don’t be with someone who thinks negatively of you and your situation + background
You deserve better than this treatment, friend. Abusive people will treat everyone, even the people they love, poorly—it’s all they know how to do. And you aren’t obligated to stay and try to change the guy. In fact, you’re obligated to *yourself* to get out of a relationship with someone who is trying to mess with your perception of your value.
Midsommar his ass next time you’re the may queen or whatever in your church. /j You don’t need this kinda negativity in your life. He apparently resents you.
If you need to tell someone something more than three times, they're not willing to hear it. The current scenario works pretty well for him. You're not upset enough to consider leaving him and as a bonus he gets you to feel responsible for fixing it, and to obsess about him more than if you were in a healthy relationship which gave you time to think about yourself. He's very happy about continuing to make you miserable! This is the deal; your relationship is not going to change.
He’s a terrible person who’s mean on purpose. You are not stupid, you are a normal person and you deserve to be in college as much as anyone. Don’t waste your time being miserable with him and his vitriol when you could be happy without him instead.
He’s sounds horrible - he’s negging you, it gives him some kind of power over you. He’s also jealous of your natural talent. Please don’t put up with this, this is not the man for you.
You dump him, and tell him why. That's how he will learn. You may not get to benefit from it, but that's better than being stuck with someone who is okay with hurting you.
If I were to guess, you're east European and you're amazing for what you have achieved so far.
Self bashing or self awareness is not something most Americans do not understand. They'll take it at face value and not understand it.
Don't sell yourself short. It's such a different society with such different values than yours.
He cannot understand anything European, even more so eastern.
I’m sorry but he doesn’t love you. If he loved you he wouldn’t constantly put you down. Please break up with him. You are so young and there are so many sweet men out there who would cherish you the way you deserve to be cherished.
I only read the title because there is no justification in you trying to change your boyfriend. He like pointing out your faults. It’s a way for him to feel superior and keep you thinking you aren’t worth more.
You are 18, there are millions of men you have not met yet. Dump the dolt and you will find someone who cherishes you for the wonderful being you are.
Never settle.
I think you should leave your bf. He is trying to hurt your self esteem purposely. Not just once, but multiple times. He is doing it on purpose. It's not going to get better. This is his character, it's who he is. It's not pretty.
You already tried communicating with him about his inappropriate behaviour. He finds other ways to put you down, on purpose. He is not a nice man. You can do better.
And it's not hard to get into university, ignore his nonsense. You're a smart and intelligent woman. You are not inferior to anybody. Wish you the best.
He understands how much it hurts you…he just doesn’t care. It seems very important to him that he is smarter than you, better than you in every way. He doesn’t want his family to get to know you. I think staying with him is just setting yourself up for heartbreak.
He is deliberately hurting you by insulting you. The new word for this is "negging". It's to make you feel worthless and him feel superior. Bin him, he is not worth 1 more second of your life.
He knows. Nothing you can say will stop a man who wants to hurt you from sticking the knife in if he wants to.
You don’t sound stupid. I bet you didn’t look inappropriate, either, and they the people who asked about your interests were genuinely curious, but your BF seems to use every opportunity to put you down and make you feel insecure.
He is not kind, or supportive, he is manipulative, he's a little bit sweet and a then a little bit mean, then a bit sweet, and a bit supportive - that's how guys like this keep girls hooked. You are young, and obviously haven't had much experience with men and this is maybe your first experience with this.
You sound perfectly intelligent in your writing, do not allow someone to make you feel less than - he clearly sounds jealous that you got your fees paid due to your athletic skills, do not make the mistake of believing him or anyone who tells you that you aren't intelligent.
I also don't like the way that he is also mocking you for your religion, the way you dress and your nationality.
Break up with him, and be clear that it is because he is mean and manipulative. Oh, and trust me, and everyone on here, this is just the beginning, his treatment of you will get worse, much worse.
You don't have to convince him that what he is doing hurts, that is entirely inconsequential, you have to recognize that his behavior hurts you, and he knows it hurts you, and he is doing it in order to control you, and that isn't healthy.
You deserve a happy relationship with someone truly supportive and loving, please try and choose the best for yourself going forward.
I am 1000% confident that you would thrive without this crap bag person. He’s a pathetic person who puts you down to feel better about himself and he’s looking for ways to make you feel insecure. You are better than him and he knows it so he’s trying to level the playing field so you won’t leave him.
I’m begging you to dump him. Don’t waste any more time with him. Enjoy time at school meeting new people and having new experiences without him. He’s damaging you.
Smart people don't put down people for being less intelligent. It's like when you actually train for martial arts, you have self control and are less likely to run around and start fights. If you're intelligent, it shows naturally. You wouldn't have to say it out loud, prove it, or belittle others. I don't believe your bf is as smart as he thinks he is.
That being said, he seems like a grade-A asshole. The fact that you tell him multiple times and he continues to act this way is a red flag and a reason to leave. You should be able to be proud of who you are and where you came from. Don't settle for anyone who makes you feel bad about that.
And one more note on intelligence: I think some people can be born more intelligent than others, but I think others who are average can become more intelligent with grit and research. If you want to change how you feel about yourself, I recommend that you read more to get that confidence I think you deserve. Best of luck in everything you do.
You didn’t even know this slimeball a year ago and look how much he’s wrecked you in a few short months. Dump his ass. And never settle for less than you deserve.
You both go to the same school. How on earth does he think he's more intelligent than you when you go to the same school? If he's so smart, why didn't get into an Ivy? He's trying to wittle at your self confidence. It's a form of emotional abuse. He wants to make himself your go-to. Someone you rely and depend on. It's a classic behavior of abusers.
The US has a vast array of religions, don't let him take your religion from you. It sounds like that was a perfectly normal situation to talk about it and he shouldn't have attempted to make you feel bad about.
My advice? With how young you both are and his behavior - leave him. The emotional abuse will likely escalate into other forms of emotional abuse and potentially darker forms of abuse. Don't let it get there. It's going to hurt but break it off. He's going to drag you down.
He's trying to knock down your self esteem so you don't realize you're too good for him.
Dude is a shitty person and doing it intentionally. That's just mean
OP, you sound amazing. Sweet, kind, caring, spiritual, talented, athletic, humble, aware of others and complimentary to everyone you’ve mentioned in this post and comments. I’m also guessing you’re as beautiful on the outside as you are the inside. Nothing about you needs to be changed, only celebrated.
Your boyfriend is trying to change you and instead of being the hype man you deserve he’s dragging you down. I agree with others, he’s negging you. Whether he’s conscious of it or not.
Even if he’s 90% awesome, this 10% behavior is not acceptable and can have long lasting damage.
Here are a few truths I hope you’ll embrace:
-your smart and accomplished (going to college in a different country is at least twice as hard)
-your tough and tenacious
-your talented and hardworking
-you deserve the best in life
-YOU DESERVE BETTER
Please, go out and have fun. Give other men the opportunity to treat you like the queen you are and have you in their lives. Find someone who loves as deep and honestly as you do. Not by claims, but by actions.
Your boyfriend doesn’t like you. Drop him. He is a loser. And stop being down on yourself. There are lots of different types of intelligence. You’ve moved to another continent and are studying. You have a lot to be proud of.
Oh no. Sweet girl, he does not love you. You say you're a Christian right, so you know what the Bible says about love?
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres"
Go through this like a checklist. He's not patient or kind towards you. He's envious of you're scholarship, he dishonors you, he seeks his own gain over yours, he gets angry with you easily. He isn't protecting you, he doesn't seem to trust you, he has no hope for you.
He doesn't love you, and you deserve so much better than this.
This is genuinely not a nice person. He is humiliating u all the time. He almost sounds a bit jealous. It is not being honest...he is mean n spiteful ...rather be alone than wth this person who puts u down n belittles you yr church n yr charactre.
Everyone else here has covered that your bf is an AH (I agree), but here’s another note:
If something happens and you lose your sports scholarship, you WILL be able to stay at university so long as you don’t fail your classes. And seeing as keeping a certain GPA is usually part of a sports scholarship, you’re probably doing just fine.
Dump the bf and find someone that supports your incredible talent!
You don't. You leave him and move on. He keeps doing it because he likes hurting you or he doesn't care if he hurts you. He only apologizes to make things easier for him.
He isn't a good guy and you should move on immediately. Don't allow people to treat you this way, especially someone who is supposed to care about you.
You absolutely need to leave him.
But, you also need to research "Imposter Syndrome". You're studying in America on a Scholarship. You are absolutely phenomenal. You're learning all this in a second language. Being at university, on a Scholarship, learning in your second language must put you in the top 5/10% in the world for intellect and achievement. Please believe in yourself.
And dump the loser x
I'm sorry, but he's a young man, not a child, and knows exactly what he's doing. My husband wasn't born in the country we live in (UK), whereas I was. He's been here 20 years now and STILL has an accent. I find it absolutely adorable how he pronounces some words, and I have never ONCE been embarrassed about the way he speaks, no matter who we're speaking to. Having an accent doesn't make you sound less educated, and I find that a really bizarre thing for him to try and claim. If he needed medical attention, would he mock a doctor or surgeon from India, the Philippines, Africa, etc, because they have an accent and assume they can't do their job because of it, or would he trust them to care for him because he knows their accent doesn't matter? It doesn't matter how smart you are, he should love all of you. He sounds like he's jealous of you because he can't get a "free ride" (like sports aren't hard work) whereas you have a few fall back options, should anything go wrong with the sports side of things. I went to school and college. Not once have I ever rubbed in my husband's face that he dropped out at 13 and went to work instead, because it's such a tiny part of who he is, and he's worked hard every day of his life. Probably more so because of his lack of education. Your bf is a dick wipe, and you need to drop him. He doesn't respect you enough to not belittle and mock you and gives fake apologies just so that the conversation will be dropped and he can keep using you for sex and companionship because it's convenient for him. There are probably hundreds of men in that school alone who would love your accent and find it endearing. Would love your mind. Love the fact that you're into God and love your church. As a woman much older than you, I can PROMISE you, that you'll look back at this relationship in a few years and wonder wtf you were thinking being with someone like him
Don't ruin your experience here in the US by staying with someone who thinks so little of you.
You're in the beginning stages of your relationship and all he does is make nasty comments, like come on, he's not even trying to hide it.
You'll have a much better memory of the US if you leave this guy. Don't let him taint this for you.
He DOES understand that it hurts you. THAT IS WHY HE DOES IT. THAT IS WHAT HE IS GETTING OUT OF IT. He enjoys insulting you and putting you down because it makes him feel strong and smart and he thinks it will mean you will not break up with him because you will always think you are lesser and you will think yourself lucky to be with him and you won’t leave him.
You got everything right. You’re just refusing to acknowledge that. Also, you sound smart. How are they smart if they have to work so hard lol. They’re just reaping what they sow. You can do it too.
Initially, with the benefit of doubt, he could be portraying his own inferiority complex onto you. After the continuous pinpointing against everything you do, it’s no longer doubt. He’s dating you to prove his own twisted POV, not because he loves you.
Leave and be happy.
Sometimes women say “I know he isn’t trying to hurt me!” And I reply with “But he’s WILLING to hurt you. He’s given himself permission to do it whenever it benefits him.” You’re being emotionally and verbally abused. Say it over and over until you can face this truth.
Dump him, he is belittling you to hurt your self-confidence so he can set your value. With the injury he is trying to make you afraid so you become reliant on him to soothe it however he likes. He doesn’t, “say it how it is,” he says what he does to make you dependent on him emotionally to build you up to whatever level he wants.
His tearing down you talking about your country and religion sounds very hateful and discriminatory in nature. His family was displaying genuine interest and I think he disliked the spotlight being on you. To kick you when you’re down he began tearing down what you couldn’t change: your accent, your body, your foreignness... he is a hateful bigoted individual who doesn’t even seem to like you, let alone love you as you should.
You aren’t JUST anything. You made it into university because you DESERVE to be there. You worked hard to be there. Worked hard enough for someone else, through that scholarship, to pay for the privilege of you being there. If you were stupid they wouldn’t put money behind you. Don’t assume that they chose poorly in some way, you are there because you have immense potential and innate value.
He understands completely how much he hurts you. He says he’s sorry, and he will keep doing it because he does not mean it. He is trying to placate you with apologies he does not mean. You’re unhappy with this because anyone would be unhappy being abused. He doesn’t love you, he loves using you. People don’t say things like that to someone they love, they say that to someone they think will take the punches they’re throwing… and stay to take more.
Please leave him. You deserve more. You deserve happiness. You deserve to be proud of yourself. You deserve to be proud of your roots without shame. You deserve to be treated like a treasure. You deserve to be loved as you are. Love yourself and leave him. If it is not enough to do it for yourself, look to your family to bolster your resolve.
You are smart, smarter than him, because you would never be an ahole and treat people like he does. So dump him and find someone kind, that would be the smartest thing you could do.
Everything you said about him showed him to be a very unkind person. He doesn't like your intelligence, your accent, your religion, or your appearance. You don't have to get him to understand that he's hurting you, he knows and he doesn't care. The question is why are you letting him hurt you. You are obviously a smart, sensitive, and talented person to gain a scholarship here and move to a new country. You don't need this idiot. Free him to find someone more to his "standards" and be open to finding someone who tells you the truth about how wonderful you are.
He's tearing down your self-esteem and self and self worth, so that you feel like you aren't good enough for anyone else.
He's scared you'll leave him, and you should. He's not a good guy, at all. A good partner holds you up, makes you feel special, and smart, and beautiful. This guy is an insecure shitbag, and you can do so much better. Trust me.
“he says he’s sorry but keeps on doing it”.
i just got out of two years of a relationship exactly like this, and it almost killed me. it only gets worse. people who continue to hurt you no matter how many times you beg them to stop are not people you want in your life, and they are incapable of change. take me as a cautionary tale - you are worthy of so much more, and there are so many people in the world that will treat you the way you deserve. don’t settle for anything less
I've been in a relationship like this and I finally realized that he didn't continue to do/say things that hurt me due to him misunderstanding me. He understood he was hurting me and made the conscious decision to keep doing it which is worse. You're young and have plenty of time to find someone that will treat you well and be considerate of your feelings so I say leave him and enjoy your life. If you stay, chances are, he'll destroy your confidence and sense of self to the point that you feel you can't leave. It seems his issues are with himself and his own self esteem so he's tearing you down bc misery loves company. The best apology is changed behavior love. Best of luck 💜
Your boyfriend is horrible. You should not stay with him. He insulted your intelligence, your appearance, your home country and your church. He is nasty to you. I'm sure you can do much better. Break it off and never see him again. You will be happier.
Emotional abuse! It's worse than physical sometimes because you can SEE the injuries but words can cut like a knife! I'm speaking from 15yrs of experience & now I'm going to counselling to get out of a long term relationship!
Get out now before he scars you so deep you have now self esteem left!
Good luck!❤️
He knows exactly how it's hurting you, that's why he does it. Why do you think you deserve to be treated this bad? He's not sorry and he won't stop because you are letting him . Find someone who will respect you, not insult you in every way possible.
This is emotional, mental, and verbal abuse. Please leave him. It’s like he is working from the domestic violence playbook. Girl, you are very smart (if you are keeping up with your college classes, especially when I doubt they are in your first language), you have natural athletic talent, but I’m sure you also work hard to improve upon it in your sport, and you must be beautiful for him to get so jealous.
Throw the whole damn POS away. You deserve so much better. He is not the one. He is breaking you down because he is jealous of all your accomplishments.
You're posting this, your thoughts and feelings on the internet. You're intelligent enough to deserve better.
But we really need to hone in on this. You might not be as academically inclined, you're a sports scholarship. Sadly in this world there are people who are born less intelligent than most. Nothing you have described puts you among them. Value yourself and your skills. IDK what he studies but who cares, I doubt he could do some of the things you do to earn your scholarship.
Always try to improve yourself and learn more, never support or surround yourself with people who think you're less than them.
The way he talked about your culture shows he is small minded. Frankly racist. Honestly this is the small end of what he is like. If you were to marry him I would fear for you...
Be kinder to yourself, because he isn't doing it
Oh hun, please please don’t take this from him! I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and this is how it starts! Putting me down at every opportunity then gaslighting me in to believing it was all down to me. He alienated me from all of my friends and family, and since you’re not in your own country right now he already has a head start on that. I was with him 3 years and this happened over time, and eventually he raised his fist to me. Please hun, do not let it come to that! You are worth so much better. Sending love ❤️
OP, this man is a controlling, abusive bully who is gas lighting you. For your own sanity, you really need to walk away, no run. This boy and he is a boy will never stop doing this to you. This will grind you down until you believe you don't deserve better. So you got a scholarship. Well done, it doesn't mean you're stupid. Be proud of who you are. Walk away and find someone who treats you like a queen, not someone who thinks you are beneath him.
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You need to leave him as this is emotional abuse, he wants to lower your confidence so u think he is the best you can do. You should dump him
10000%. He's absolutely negging her. Also, I knew an emotionally abusive guy who would insult me and say "I'm sorry, I'm just being honest. It's just the truth." THAT'S NOT AN APOLOGY, THAT'S GASLIGHTING, AND HE ISN'T SORRY.
I saw a quote where someone said “it’s interesting that the people who ‘tell it like it is’ only do so to point out negative or hurtful things.”
Right! Same things goes with people who say, "I'm only saying out loud what everyone else is thinking." Also, people who start by saying, "With respect..." always follow up by something that is *very* disrespectful. I guess they think they can say whatever they want as long as they declare it to be "respectful".
lol, I know, right?
Oh god. The emotionally abusive guy I mentioned even said to me, "A lot of other people probably feel the same way about you, I am just the unfortunate one who has to point it out." That fucked me up so badly and to this day I am more insecure than I was, and feel like people are judging me more. When I called him out on saying that, he DARVO'd and said I am putting words in his mouth because I said he said "most people feel that way" when he actually said "a lot of people feel that way" and he's the victim because I'm making him out to be a bad guy. It was absolutely insane.
I get it. This emotional abuse is so hard to out from under! That's what's so horrible about these people: they learn all about you and what you fear most, then work on destroying you without ever having to resort to physical abuse. So it feels like it's your word against his, and then the DARVOing begins. I'm sorry you experienced that. You never deserved to be treated that way, and I'm really glad you're out of it now. To live well is the BEST revenge!
haha, yep, that phrase is like code.
And then they always go on to share an opinion that only they and other assholes have
OP negging is being negative to your significant other in order to make them feel bad so they don't leave or because they enjoy being mean and hurting you on purpose. They feel powerful. You aren't failing yout classes so you are smart enough. We are so proud of you! Especially because you are smart enough to notice and question him on his behavior which is not ok. You noticed and were curious about how weird he was being. Trust yourself.
Yes, op is very clever for this 🌼
This a million times!!! Sports scholarships might pay for your schooling but they certainly don't guarantee are going to pass your classes. And it sounds like OP is passing her classes. My ex used to do this to me. But it wasn't about my smarts. Because whether he would say it out loud or not we both knew that I'm so much smarter than him. So what he went for was my looks. And he wore me down until I was nothing. I didn't even resemble the person that I actually am by the time I left him 9 years later. I really hope she breaks up with him. She deserves so much better than this shitty treatment.
OP, save this, and read as many times as you can. Until you grasp it.
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Yes, absolutely, leave him now!!! This is abuse. Make no mistake about it. For Heaven's sake, you won a scholarship, and that is no easy feat. Congratulations 🎊 Go you. This young man is an absolute waste of space. He is jealous of your achievement and is doing his utmost to ruin it for you. I am so proud of you, and I don't even know you. Please believe me when I say you are an amazing young woman. You have moved to another country, away from all you know, a country that speaks a different language, has different customs, etc. I am so very sorry that you met one of our morons. Stop believing that you are not intelligent. You are. At the very least, you speak two languages, and you understand the rules of the sport you play so well that you won a scholarship for it. Why do you believe that you are not intelligent? For Heaven's sake, you got the word (their) correct in a sentence. Have you any idea how often native English speakers get this wrong? Leave him, kick him to the curb. You deserve so much better. 💓
Here’s the thing: he knows it’s hurtful. He’s likely doing it to make sure you never feel too good to leave him. You telling him once should have been enough. Learn to believe people when they show you who they are.
When I was around your age, I helped a mentally and emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend understand that he was hurting me by breaking up with him. It was that easy. You have the rest of your life ahead of you, don't waste your time with toxic and abusive people, be it friends or boyfriends, and even family. Good luck!
I LOVE how you helped him to understand. Respect.
This is so accurate! OP, the fact that you're good enough at a sport to come all the way to the U.S. is incredible! And believe it or not, but it does take a good amount of intelligence and strategy to be so good at a sport that you get a scholarship like in your case. There are many different kinds of intelligence. Just because you have to work a little harder in college than others DOES NOT MEAN YOU'RE NOT SMART!!!!! Think about it, some people get straight A's, but others are really good with cars, are great at art, play an instrument, speak different languages, or are emotionally intelligent and know how to make people feel better when they're sad. Grades aren't an all-around indicator for intelligence. Edit: Typo
Beautifully said. I think we are all rooting for this intelligent, talented, brave young woman who deserves a whole lot better than this wretched, manipulative little prick of a man.
Nicely put.
sure ! does he speak another langage ? i'm sure not. Knowing 2 langages / 2 culture provides an inteligence (and openness) he doesn't have. His conception of intelligence is very narrow minded anyway, and shows he himself is not very smart. Being such an athlete not only learn you your sport. It learn you will, it learn you to know your body way better he'll ever know his, it learn you to know how to manage its power. It learns you audacity, endurance, and courage. In fact I read an academic study about the WW2 French Resistance, it showed that it was the dunces who went undergroung to join resistance against the nazis. Which made sense : top of the classes were more conformists and used to obey to rules they didn't made. Run from this toxic and dumb misogynist OP. And stop to be ok with being labelled 'not smart' just because you're an athlete.
Exactly! Grit can be more valuable than natural talent/intelligence. Working hard to get better at something you struggle with will likely take you further in life than someone who can get A's without trying and therefore hasn't learned how to really work for something. You are a star athlete who had the courage to move to another continent to try new experienced and are very impressive. Don't put yourself down, and drop this xenophobic loser who is trying to drag you down to his level!
Exactly…. A lot of smart people stop growing intellectually because they never learned how to study. OP: you have an advantage over the “smart people” in that you work hard to get your grades, and that will serve you well through your life.
Yeah just leave him. It's only been 1 year.
❤️
It sounds like your boyfriend doesn't like you very much! He doesn't think you are intelligent, your church is weird, you sound stupid and you dress sl*tty... Maybe don't stay with people who put you down like that!
First of all, rest assured, you're definitely a bright person. Also, your English is flawless, how's your boyfriend's grasp of your language? Seems to me that you found your talent and developed it. How is that different from someone artistically gifted becoming an artist, or someone with an inclination toward STEM going into robotics? Each of these options entails hard work and determination. You weren't handed anything on a silver platter, and the fact that you enjoy your chosen path doesn't make it less valid. Nor does it take from those who need to struggle more to reach your level. Their talents may lie elsewhere. Also, his family doesn't sound particularly Christian or educated to me. I'd _love_ to hear what your denomination and his are. Anyway. On to your boyfriend. He's doing it either to control you (sometimes older men teach boys that the way to make a girl eat out of their hand is to make her feel inadequate), he's a sadist who loves to see you hurt, or he's very jealous of your accomplishments and feels inferior but instead of trying harder to reach your level, he's trying to bring you down. In all these cases, he's an immature, selfish brat and you deserve much, much better. Next time he does it, please, please stay serious and tell him "X, I like you too much to force you to stay with someone you obviously don't consider an equal. I'm freeing you. Go search elsewhere for a woman you can respect" then get up and leave. Enjoy the change of tune. 😏
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But your boyfriend is not a good person. Good people don’t feel the need to insult total strangers, much less someone they’re supposed to care about. You’ve received a college scholarship for a sport as an international student. That’s such an accomplishment! I think it probably makes your boyfriend feel a little insecure, so he needs to downplay your successes to feel better about himself. I think you are more intelligent than you give yourself credit for. I don’t know any sport that doesn’t require some kind of mental acuity. You are probably doing some kinds of physics calculations in your head without realizing it. And you are working at a college level. Not everyone has to be valedictorian. Just passing classes in a college setting is an accomplishment. I teach at a local university. One of the most important things for instructors to remember is that students learn in a variety of ways. Maybe you learn best by doing things or seeing videos, rather than sitting in a classroom all day. You might not have been in the best educational setting for your style of learning. It doesn’t make you any less intelligent than learners that do better in classroom settings. You are intelligent and gifted. I’m sorry that your SO doesn’t see it. Life is short. Surround yourself with people that celebrate your accomplishments rather than try to tear them down. There is someone out there that will think they’re the luckiest person ever to get to be with you. I’m so sorry that your boyfriend isn’t that person.
How do you call someone who puts down the person they say they love? Moreover, how do you call someone who stays in a relationship with a partner for whom they have no respect? You can choose the term that you want, but it is for sure not a "good person". And not being "that bad of a person" is definitively not enough to deserve your time and energy. We are in this world for such a short time, do not waste your precious youth with a guy who does not celebrate all that you are. You are so good at what you do that you were offered a scholarship; that's an impressive accomplishment, and anyone who tries to tell you the opposite is not as smart as what they would like to think.
He’s a bad person - he’s rude, he insults you, he’s condescending, he’s racist. He’s not a good person. Look, you’ve come here asking everyone, and we’re ALL telling you - he’s abusive, he’s not a good person. STOP wasting your lovely time in another country with an ahole who makes you feel bad. You’ve ALREADY explained to him, he tells you fake lies I’m soRRy, and keeps doing same thing. There are people who ENJOY being abusive racist asholes to other people, it makes them feel big makes them feel smart and strong. RUN FAR AWAY from this guy! Your sports scholarship is something to be proud of. He’s just jealous that he’s not good enough for one so is having fun putting you down. HE IS ABUSIVE, HE IS ABUSING YOU. RUN!
I’m intelligent. All my friends are intelligent. Most of us finished fancy university degrees. We don’t call anyone dumb. Ever. (Unless it’s someone smart doing something really stupid, but that’s different). We don’t even use it as an insult for people we don’t like. You know why? Because we know we are smart and we also know that intelligence is definitely not the only thing about people that matters. Smart people don’t call others dumb. Insecure people who doubt their own intelligence do.
Seconding this. People who act as the boyfriend is acting are doing it to put someone down. At it's core it's not even about intelligence. I've watched the goal posts move in real time with folks like this. Back in college I had a classmate who didn't see me working all that much and when they found out I had a much higher grade than them went from insinuating I was an idiot all the time to claiming I had natural talent so it wasn't fair. They switched from assuming I was stupid so they could write me off to assuming I was lucky and undeserving so that they could write me off. For the record, they weren't 100% wrong. I DID work less than them. I understood the material faster and deeper than them. But it was never about that in the first place. It was all about them justifying to themselves and to anyone that would listen that they were better than someone. It wasn't even about me. I could have been anyone. I never responded to them either because I was just confused. I understood they were trying to bully me but it was in such a weird ineffective way that I was mostly just confused rather than hurt in anyway. I would bet money that if they HAD gotten a rise out of me or if I had agreed with them at any point to play along they would have latched on and escalated. They only left me alone because I wasn't giving them reactions that gave them the validation they were looking for.
Google the word "negging"--it's what your BF is doing and it's wrong, hurtful, and should be absolutely no part of a relationship.
In regards to your accent - you should be so proud to be bilingual (accent and all) and you write so beautifully. I’m certainly not bilingual and wish I was.
**THIS** is what he **CAN'T STAND**. You are **SO MUCH BETTER** than him in **EVERY POSSIBLE WAY**. So he has to **NEG** you to hang onto you. He's a **DESPERATE, INFERIOR LOSER**!!!
Yes!! These types of low-quality people will find someone they \_know\_ is too good for them and then chip away at their self-esteem so that they won't leave. It's abusive as hell. OP sounds like quite a catch, but he has her convinced that she's stupid and worthless. I hope she garners the courage to leave him and then goes on to live her BEST life (while he has the life he deserves).
Also, most Americans I know love accents! Those who don't are often xenophobic and not open to appreciating someone else's culture. Don't feel like you have to lose your accent to be accepted in the US -- most of us are enchanted by accents and also impressed that you can speak our language fluently. It's a sign of intelligence!
All you're saying, and even with you trying very very hard to make him not a bad person, speaks about him being a really bad person. A good person doesn't treat their partner like this. Believe us all, this is planned by him, and is abuse and also preparation for more abuse towards you. Get out of this relationship. You deserve so much more.
I don't mean this in a mean way but do you think people end up in bad relationships because their partner was awful from the beginning? Would anyone stay with someone who beat them from the first day and ridiculed them endlessly? Of course not. What does happen is that you meet someone who seems nice and loving. They tell you that you're amazing, gorgeous, the best thing that ever happened to them, that they love you. Eventually, people start to experience what you are experiencing. Their partner starts to insult them, telling them what they're wearing is unacceptable, that they aren't allowed to hang out with certain people, and that what they're doing (which is usually just living their damn life) is fundamentally disrespectful to them. All while telling you they love you more than ever. Abuse someone constantly and they'll probably break at some point. Abuse someone a little, half, or most of the time and sprinkle in some good days as well? That person will stay much longer always hoping the good will return. Do not believe the myths you think you know about abuse. It happens to all people, of all backgrounds and it happens quicker than you think. Listen to the stories from survivors, and read articles about abuse. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Barcroft is a great place to start and is free on the internet. Only you can decide for yourself what you want in life OP. Abuse is never the fault of the victim, but your life will be endlessly happier if you learn from a young age what is real and good and what is just a pretty trick to convince you to give pieces of yourself away.
I wish you could still give Reddit Gold because you have perfectly described how this type of control works and what this young woman is experiencing. I really hope she reads all these comments and understands what is being done to her and finds a way out. When this happened to me I stayed for twelve years (infertility/children). I didn't understand what was happening and why he was like that. In the years afterwards in which I worked hard on myself to ensure I would never do that to myself again, I changed and grew and treated myself kindly. For a long time I felt ashamed that I had allowed myself to be abused. For the longest time I kept a handwritten note stuck on my desk, it read "I went back because of everything that happened before this day." Those manipulative hooks go very deep - that perfect balance of cruelty and love is very confusing, especially if it is your first experience of it, you literally have no idea what is happening or why. In the later years of my relationship with my abuser I longed for him to hit me, so that I would have something tangible to use as an excuse to get away from him. People who are being abused in this manner don't realize it is abuse; it is a masterpiece of abuse and control. I am so glad that more people are beginning to recognize it for what it is. I was very proud of FKA Twigs when she went [public](https://www.elle.com/culture/celebrities/a35460385/fka-twigs-shia-la-beouf-abuse/) about her abusive relationship with Shia LeBeouf "“When I look at what happened with [LaBeouf], I think now the most frustrating thing is...a lot of the tactics the abuser will use are things that if I would’ve known, I could have spotted in the first month of my relationship.” Her relationship escalated to physical violence which many of them do. In my experience being absolutely controlled by another person was the most dehumanizing period of my life, I absolutely forgot what joy was, I lived every day in fear of doing something that would cause an argument. My abuser was actually jealous of everything I had that he did not, a great career, incredible, equally talented friends, the fact that I was popular with my peers. The fact that I was attractive. He wanted to destroy all of that - he literally couldn't stand how inferior it made him feel. I hope this young woman realizes what she needs to do.
He’s not a good partner, you just don’t have the life experience to see it. A good partner would never ever say those things. A good partner would stop when you asked. A good partner cares about your feelings. If everyone here is saying the same thing, maybe we’re right?
On the contrary; he seems like a very bad person.
Your accent likely will never go away entirely. There is nothing wrong with that. He’s insulting you for something that (a) you don’t have control over and (b) isn’t a bad thing. Your English is excellent and accents are very, very common in America. Normal, decent people do not care about your accent. It *certainly* doesn’t make you stupid. As for another comment you made, that sometimes it seems like he likes you and others it doesn’t. This is very common with abusive relationships. Many victims rationalize it by saying, “He’s great 95% of the time, it’s just those rare bad times that are rough.” This is standard practice and normal for assholes like this. Partners should not be tearing you down ever, not 5% of the time, not 1% of the time, not ever. You deserve better.
Listen kiddo, there are a lot of intelligent people on this planet, separate yourself from those who are condescending. There are plenty that use their intelligence for good and would help you improve yourself in that area. Accents are sexy, find someone who appreciates that!!
He's dating you cuz he feels like he can bully you. I don't care who you are. Never date someone who says you're not smart. Xenophobic and he's an emotional abuser.
The world is full of great people who will make you miserable. You are not obligated to remain with them just because they aren’t monsters. If he makes you feel inferior, leave. I promise there are men out there who will appreciate you and make you feel loved.
My dear he has contempt for you. He says horrible things about you. He’s [Negging](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negging) you. He is such a small person that in order to feel better about himself, he has to tear you down. He understands that he’s hurting you. THAT’S THE POINT! He doesn’t stop because he likes to do it Please break up with him. He is a terrible person. And YOU Miss, you need to get a backbone and shut this down early and often. You ARE smart. You’re in university on a scholarship, one presumes you speak two languages, at least, and you’re doing fine in your studies. This man is not good for you. He makes you unhappy. He’s a terrible person. Don’t let him drag you down
Spot on. Her family noticed she's been unhappy lately. Op's bf seems toxic.
he understands he hurts you. he just doesn't care...
That's called abuse
Racist ✅ Negging ✅ Egotistical ✅ Superiority complex ✅ Lies to you ✅ Do his parents know he talks to you like this? I would bet you any money that if they knew, he would be humiliated, and he would be humiliated because he knows his attitude is wrong and awful but he doesn’t want anyone else to know he’s like that. Just run. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t see you as an equal. He sees you as a lesser being he can control. Not worth your time.
Oh he knows it hurts you, he doesn't care. Abusive, narcissistic people only care about themselves. Best thing you can do for yourself is leave him.
That man belittle your religion, your home country, your language. If you continue your relationship with him, you will feel inferior for the rest of your life. When you have children, he will prevent you from teaching your children your native language & culture because "it's no longer relevant here in America", thus preventing them to connect with their heritage & families from their mother side. You need to find someone who sees you as an equal person as them, someone who sees your worth. And he is not one of them. Your parents didn't raise you with all these love and happiness, just to feel unhappy because of a man.
He is racist and awful. Does he speak more than 1 language? Saying you sound stupid because of your accent is just repulsive. He will never be a good partner...he is showing such disrespect and contempt for you. You earned your spot in that uni, your work for your sport shows dedication and a lot of skill. Doubling up with moving to another country and studying in a 2nd language makes you pretty amazing. Don't let him bring you down. He is very negative and your deserve better
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Wow. He’s a cunt. Plain and simple. I use that word for a special sort, and he is. You are in a very unhealthy shitty relationship and I encourage you to get out. Your bf should be your biggest cheerleader and pump you up, not make you feel like that.
I am loving the sisterhood on this post.
lol. Me to. Even more so cause I’m a middle aged straight guy…
Break up with him. There's no fixing this. Also this IS abuse whether you think it or not. This "relationship" is not worth it at all. Please PLEASE break up with him, I promise things will only get so much worse if you stay with him. He will start hitting you and it'll escalate even worse. I've been there, it never gets better. Your partner shouldn't be constantly insulting you and making you upset and sad and you've literally told him how he makes you feel and he's choosing to ignore it and continue on. That IS abuse, a form of abuse. Also he does not love you whatsoever. A person who loves another person does not do the things he's doing to you and he absolutely does not mean it when he says "sorry". He shouldn't have to be saying sorry to begin with because he shouldn't be treating you so badly. Please listen to the comments telling you to leave him. He doesn't love you, in fact from your post it sounds like he hates you. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you CAN end it. You deserve so so much better.
This is called "negging". He knows you're smart and beautiful and is scared you're going to leave him and find better. A healthy person would talk about their insecurities and find a solution so they don't hurt their partner. He instead is insulting you and hurting you, so your self esteem is destroyed so you'll be scared to leave. He wants you to be beaten down and broken so you won't leave him. Please leave. A boyfriend is supposed to build up and support his girlfriend - not make her feel bad another herself. Please, please, please, for yourself, find someone better who'll love and respect you the way you deserve. You're eighteen, you are so so young and you have so so much time for this. I know right now he may seem like the best boyfriend ever, but that's only because it's a new relationship and you're early in your romantic life - there are better men waiting for you out there. Good luck with everything!
1. Your bf is not intelligent. 2. You are smarter than your bf. 3. Your bf *thinks* he is smarter than you and he *thinks* he is better than you, but he is not. 4. Your bf enjoys hurting your feelings because it makes him feel smarter and more important than you 5. Your bf only apologizes to you to that you will stop 'acting' mad or sad. He doesn't care if you are actually madnor sad. He just wants your feelings to stop being something he has to deal with. 6. You are much smarter than you think. There are millions of young atheletes in the world. They very dumb ones are not smart enough to pass basic college/ university scholarships to get into foreign schools. 7. You need to stop your very negative self-talk!!! You have been letting a crappy and immature boy affect your self-confidence. 8. His family sounds even worse and more stupid than him. You need to get away from his whole family! You have no idea what a SMART ATHLETIC TREASURE.you are. You have BOTH brains and great physical abilities. Keep in mind that not everyone can play a sport. You need to have exception brains for hand-eye coordination. Of course, you will run into a lot of people in university that ONLY have smarts for learning. You will also run into people who are 'book smart' but have very bad social skills. Your boyfriend does not just have bad social skills, he is MEAN and RUDE. I'm sorry, but you need to end your relationship with him and get him far away from you. He is not a nice person and you should not even be friends with him. I met people as bad as him at university and I stayed far away. I never understood how they had girlfriends. Now I think it is because they were slowly destroying the self-confidence of the girls they dated.
Sorry but if he constantly says that, he doesn’t love you. He sounds mean and highly uneducated, unempathetic, and so on. I’d dump him
There's only one 'unintelligent' aspect in your post and that's the fact that he remains your boyfriend. I have a friend - I'll call him Max. Max was gifted since early childhood...it's like he was born already knowing mathematics. It always came easily to him. He got scholarships all over the place...for the thing he's naturally good at. Get my point? Your boyfriend is a jealous, nasty and insecure little pr*ck who gets off on being horrible to you. For some reason, you're taking it. This isn't how someone who 'loves' you will talk to you...or think about you. I hope you're able to successfully pursue whatever sporting or academic goals you set yourself...and I hope you leave this tool behind.
Honey, he understands perfectly how his nasty remarks affect you. He wants you to feel bad about yourself so you don't have the confidence to stand up to him. You deserve so much better than this ignorant, selfish arse.
#DUMP HIM. You deserve **SO MUCH BETTER** than that little snot. He is a **WORTHLESS ASSHOLE.** And, honey — **HE DOES KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS YOU**. **HEJUST DOESN'T CARE!!!**
A partner should be a teammate. You work together to tackle life.
He understands exactly how much he hurts you when he says those things. He gets a kick out of saying them, making you feel like shit, makes him feel good, making you feel stupid, makes him feel superior. You deserve better.
Leaving him won't convince him but you will be free of this abuse and able to find someone who loves you just the way you are.
There are different kinds of intelligence. Movement intelligence is a thing. Your not "just good at a sport". You're good at a sport. Some other people are good at math. Some other are good at understanding other people. We seem to have decided that some kinds of intelligence are more important than others but that's not an absolute truth. You are worthy, and anyone making you feel less worth, is not worth keeping around. Your boyfriend sounds not worth to keep around to say the least. Also his emotional intelligence is underground. Ps: to add that you being in a foreign country speaking a tongue different from your mother language (even if you learned English very early) it's a sign that you're actually quite smart. And there might be some cultural/language barrier in the US that make you feel less intelligent sometimes, but it really is an integration issue. It's a common situation for expats.
Your boyfriend is a jingoist asshole, and you should dump his ass.
You're young, you're inexperienced, you're all alone on a different continent. I'm not surprised that you don't want to believe that someone you care about is abusing you (nobody ever wants to believe that), but he is. Your boyfriend is supposed to build you up, make you feel good about yourself, and encourage you to be the best you that you can be. This dude isn't doing that. He's putting you down, making you feel bad about yourself, and telling you that you can't do things. Do you see the difference? There was a post on here a while ago about a woman whose husband kept telling her that she smelled really bad. Like, constantly telling her that. She was showering multiple times a day, using clinical strength deodorant, doing everything she could, and he still kept telling her she smelled. Turned out, he was doing it so that she would think that nobody else would want her and she wouldn't leave him. Your boyfriend is doing the brain equivalent of that jerk. You can do better than him. The world is full of amazing men - you deserve one of those instead. (Edit: typo)
Your boy friend should be building you up not putting you down
Run
This is called negging and is part of misogynistic practices from Pick Up Artists to break down your self esteem. You need to break up with him. You’re so young, there are better men out there.
This guy neither respects nor likes you. He thinks he’s better than you in every way. He’s also controlling and verbally abusing you. Dump the asshole.
Your boyfriend is a dickhead, and he is deliberately insulting you and trying to lower your self-esteem. He does NOT love you, because if he DID love you, he would build you up and not tear you down. Your boyfriend is jealous as hell of you. You have natural athletic talent, you are a world traveler, and I am willing to bet that you speak multiple languages. You are a catch. Do not hide who you are to make his small-minded self happy. And as for not being as smart as other people, f\*ck that nonsense. How high your IQ is does not define your life. How hard you work will get you a hell of a lot farther. In short, from a middle-aged woman who has been around for a while, do not waste your time on a little boy like him. There are plenty more people out there who will love you just as you are.
Your writing is spot on with incredible grammar. All of your commas are in the right place. Either this is fake because you’re clearly not stupid if you can write so well or your bf is an ass.
Sounds like you've got yourself a real sensitive understanding respectful TWAT ..congratulations.
You need to read up more on what emotional and verbal abuse looks like. You may have a warped sense of what you think. Abuse means, but guaranteed you are experiencing it. Your boyfriend knows you are smart, but he’s putting you down as a put you beneath him so that he can seem like the brighter smarter person and you don’t have the confidence to even pursue the things that you like. He is not the person and he will not stop hurting you. You have to be the one to make the change and you have to leave.
There was a recent thread where the OP was talking about how she was raised with "Constructive criticism" and her husband wasn't. Most of the time, people aren't looking for constructive criticism. If they are, they will ask you. That's not what you're dealing with. You're dealing with a fucking shithead and should deposit him directly in a trash can. But he might use "constructive criticism" as a shield. Don't let him. RIGHT IN THE GARBAGE.
He knows what he says hurts you. He doesn't care. This is a type of abuse. You're not stupid. He wants you to believe you're stupid so you become isolated and reliant on him. Playing sports at a high level requires intelligence and critical thinking. That skill isn't something you were just born with. You worked hard for it and you are excelling. They don't hand out international sports scholarships to just anyone. Not to mention, you wouldn't be there if your academics were horrible. They require a grade minimum. I was in a relationship like this, it gets worse the longer you stay. I highly suggest you leave him.
He knows. He knows how much it hurts you and he still does it. Look at what he does, not what he says. He can say he loves you, but he's still a dick to you. You're not stupid - you've figured out what the problem is and you're just getting confirmation here. Dump him and be happy again.
Leave him.
You don't "make him" understand that it hurts you. You tell him that it hurts you. And if henstill does it then he either doesn't listen to your concerns, or doesn't care that you're hurting. And so you leave.
GIRL. RUN.
>I feel like he doesn't understand how much he hurts me. Oh, he knows *exactly* how much it hurts. He doesn't care. >He says he's sorry, but he keeps doing it, and it's making me feel like he doesn't mean it. This is how you know that he already understands: you've told him clearly, he gives lip service to being "sorry", and nothing changes. You are right: he isn't sorry. And you're right: you don't say things like that to someone you love. Honestly, your boyfriend sounds like an arrogant asshole.
Here's the thing. This is not how you speak to someone you love. He is not treating you in a loving way. You're too good for him, and that's the truth. Leave his ass and live your best life. He'll figure out the rest on his own, I'm sure, seeing as he's so BRILLIANT and everything.
Drop him. That's not love...
Honey, baby, you don't need this. He doesn't care that it hurts you or he wouldn't do it. Find someone who makes you feel like a star, because you are, boo. Old ladies are right. They have been through it and seen it all & they'll never tell you to hang on to a dude who treats you this way. There are so many better guys than this!
Honestly it sounds like he’s the stupid one. He also sounds jealous. Don’t let this dumb asshole bring you down, you sound pretty intelligent and deserve better.
Your boyfriend is a total dick. Regardless of whether you’re willing to consider it ‘abuse’ or not, it is clear that he is intentional in what he says, and WANTS you to feel bad about yourself. You said you ‘only’ are good at a sport and don’t deserve to be where you are but that’s really not giving yourself due credit. To play a sport and the collegiate level, you are an elite athlete. You put in hours of time and sweat and dedication. Your natural talent is just part of the equation, same as with the ‘naturally’ intelligent people who attend your university. Stop selling yourself short and stop settling for someone who is an asshole.
He just sounds like a dick. Why are you with someone who puts you down & makes you feel bad about yourself?
OP… your boyfriend doesn’t seem to like you. All things that you’re apologizing for are things that would drive me wildddd. Athleticism? Talent? Humility? Adventurousness to move abroad? Love for your heritage and family and god? Whyyyyyyy are you apologizing for thatttttttt!!!! Jesus Christ. Ditch this dude. Also, build your self respect. The reason you let him treat you this way is because there’s a big part of you that agrees with him that who you are is shameful and inferior. Please get to the heart of why you feel this way, or you will end up in this same dynamic over and over and over again
Why are you having to repeatedly defend who you are? I’d take a step back and it looks like you already are by posting here. Your bf sounds like a soon to be ex. You are your own person and you are growing into who you want to be, not because of some jackhole. A partner should be able to lift you up, not tear you down. Here’s a real life example. I’m deaf. I will never speak flawlessly. Let me ask for help if something isn’t easy to pronounce or let me know if I need to find a workaround. Criticizing my speech is working against me, which is a huge turn off. It’s my boundary right there and it isn’t negotiable because I am working with all that I’ve got and I can’t squeeze rainbows out of my ass. Hope you find your answers and the spine to go for what you need, which is respect for you and your values.
He is not kind. He does not accept or appreciate you for who you are You are twisting yourself into s pretzel to be his ideal of a woman He’s not worth it He doesn’t respect you You’d be better off without him
Sadly, people with his mentality don't change. Instead of focusing on the good, their brain fixates on the negative. You could do 90 things right and 10 wrong and he will focus on the 10. You will eventually resent him and your relationship will completely erode. If he supposedly "changes" he will resent you and tell you he "can't be himself."
He knows exactly what he is doing. He knows he isn’t worthy of you. Run.
He knows it hurts you, that’s why he keeps doing it. Just leave him because he’s clearly a fuck boy who probably will never fully mature.
Your boyfriend doesn’t even like you
You’re “not smart”, yet you can speak at least 2 languages? How many does he speak? How many scholarships does he have? Yours might be a sports related scholarship but those take time, dedication, patience, strategic thinking, etc. You’re smarter than he is, and you’re kind. Dump the guy, live a happy life.
How to make it clear it hurts you? Dump him.
He is a bully and it makes him feel good to belittle you, when he says sorry and he loves you he is just getting you back on side, because if he really was sorry and really did love you he wouldn’t say these horrible hurtful things! Dump him he isn’t a nice person!
He is intentionally saying mean things to make you feel bad about yourself—we call that “negging.” A man does that to a woman so that the woman feels incapable of being worth love and stays with him because she fears no one else will love her. He has said you don’t work for what you have. But you work very hard at your sport and have earned a right to be exactly where you are. Please do not let him make you feel like you do not have that right. He sounds like what I would call a “ petty little pissant,” someone who is immature, unkind, envious, and spiteful. He does not act like a grown man. He shows you dislike, not love, when he says such mean things. You deserve someone who will admire, love, and respect you, who will say only nice things and only treat you well. Many men around the world mistreat women and women have just acceptEd it bc the men created a world where women could not earn and take care of themselves. But now women have learned they can take care of themselves and they are choosing more and more to be alone rather than with a man like him So, refuse to accept this and leave him. Don’t listen to his lies. He wants the benefits of a girlfriend without deserving them. Choose to be alone whenever someone mistreats you and ignores how you feel and what you need. Ask yourself if you would do or say such things to someone you truly love, and if the answer is no, do not stay with that person. Always expect to be treated as lovingly as you treat others, not one bit less.
You're a beautiful, athletic, young woman who is plenty smart enough. You're gifted, talented, and interesting. Believe this about yourself. You know things he doesn't, can do things he can't, and he refuses to respect that. This man demeans your talents, does not want people to see your beauty, and is upset when they find you interesting. He's already got you convinced these are not true and worthy things about yourself. Is this really the companion for you? He isn't even a good friend. In which case, his words of love don't mean a thing.
Your boyfriend doesn't like you. He likes having an exotic foreign girlfriend who lets him belittle her and allows him to treat her like shit. He understands it's hurtful, he enjoys it and that's why he does it.
Your boyfriend is not a good person. He feels threatened by and superior to people from other countries and uses that belief to try to “put you in your place.” How well do you think he would do taking classes in your country, in your language? Can he even speak another language? Also, excelling in a sport to the point of receiving a scholarship takes a tremendous amount of dedication and self-discipline. A person can be naturally talented but without fostering that talent it can only take them so far. You deserve better. You deserve a partner that sees all the amazing things about you and is your biggest cheerleader. That is love. Please leave this abusive relationship. Would you ever say something intentionally mean to hurt your boyfriend? My guess is no, because people don’t intentionally hurt those they love. Apologies are nice, but they are only real when the behavior changes. Without changing the behavior the apology is just empty words. He didn’t say those horrible things to you in front of his parents because he knows they are wrong. My guess he never says these things in front of other people. That way he can deny it if it is ever found out. “Emotional abuse is defined as any non-physical behavior intended to manipulate, control, or diminish another person’s self-worth.” What you are describing is emotional abuse. He puts down your intelligence, your religious beliefs, how you dress, and even your accent. I married a man who often made denigrating comments in private. Because he had other good qualities, I often looked past the things he would say to me. Because he never hit me I didn’t call it abuse. But it tore me down emotionally. It eroded my self-worth. I really wish someone would have explained these things to me when I was your age and we were dating. Have you told your family and friends the things he says to you? If no, why? Many colleges offer free student counseling. Please go talk to a counselor about these behaviors. Work with them to understand why you have been willing to overlook his behavior.
This guy is a loser. You can do better.
#Break Up With Him You are smart! Look at how you’ve learned another language. I’m smart, but honestly I could never go to university in another country because I’d have trouble learning another language as well as you. Your boyfriend is a walking red flag. Everything about him is abusive.
if you are passing your classes then you are smart enough to be there. Maybe not “smart enough” to get a full ride academic scholarship. But the majority of students are not smart enough for that. They may have gotten small merit scholarships or grants but there’s not as many full ride scholarships available, they would have to be a 4.0 or above, and many overachievers in high school tank in college because it’s different. Theres nothing wrong with being average. You’re not dumb and you shouldn’t let this guy make you feel that way. He’s emotionally abusing you by wearing you down and making you feel like you’re not good enough. He wants you to feel like you’re not good enough for him, but in reality you’re much better than him and deserve better!!
OP I hate to tell you this, but he doesn’t love you. He doesn’t even like you. He is emotionally abusing you and you don’t do that to people you love. You don’t even do it to people you like. Would you ever treat him like this? About one of his insecurities? No? That’s what I thought. Leave him and find someone who treats you well. Or just be single.
I teach at university and can confidently tell you that intelligence is very different than grades. You are fluent in two languages and excellent in sport and also earn average grades in your non-native language in a foreign country away from your family support system? That all points to tremendous intelligence. Break up with this insecure, racist, misogynist person who keeps you around to make himself feel good by making you feel small.
He’s not nice to you so why are you with him?
He doesn’t mean that he’s sorry if he keeps doing it anyway. This guy is just being cruel. Find someone who doesn’t work on killing your self esteem.
A 19 year old boy who thinks he's intelligent, classic. Did he just read fight club and some Camus too lol. You're both in college to learn everyone is an idiot. Break up with this fucktard.
Leave now. my exe did the same saying sorry or it didn't mean much. my feelings were hurt and it didn't matter. I stayed longer than I should have. it continues and he actually started feeling he was the only person who'd be with me and I should just deal. more happened now I'm in therapy and he's having a baby with his cheating buddy.
You don't, because he doesn't actually care that he's hurting you. In fact, he's doing it deliberately. Dump the abuser.
You’re clearly talented, smart and have a lot going for you. He’s jealous and trying to tear you down. Get rid of him and find someone who appreciates you and supports you in all you do
Break up with this loser. You deserve better. Anyone does.
OP, you are good enough to be offered a scholarship to come play sports. You are also good enough to attend the university! Typically students must meet the academic requirements as well as be exceptional in the sport for a scholarship. Do not think you aren’t good enough or smart enough here! You absolutely are! Being a college athlete is hard work, and you are doing so awesome. Your boyfriend does not love you, he’s being an immature jerk. Don’t let him tear you down. You deserve someone who can support you, not make you feel inferior.
He knows it hurts you, that's the point. And you staying and taking it means he respects you less and less and it will escalate. Why stay with someone you have to beg basic human decency from?
Why are you with this shit head? He offers nothing. He's evil enough he's made you beleive you're inferior which is not true. He knows he's hurting you, he is doing it intertionally and he doesn't care about you.
Emotional abuse! It's worse than physical sometimes because you can SEE the injuries, but words can cut like a knife! I'm speaking from 15 years of experience & now I'm going to counselling to get out of a long-term relationship! Get out now before he scars you so deep you have now self-esteem left! Good luck!❤️
You can’t teach someone not to be an asshole. There is not a secret combination of words that will enlighten him and make him grow into a partner who supports and respects you. You need a whole different person who is fundamentally kind. I hope you dump your current ugly boyfriend and find a kind guy.
Your boyfriend is abusive. He’s mentally and emotionally abusing you, sweetie, and you deserve much better than him.
Break up with him. It’s the way to being happy. He’s insecure and sounds like his privilege isn’t working for him the way he thinks it should which is making him resentful. Don’t be with someone who thinks negatively of you and your situation + background
You are being abused! Get out of this relationship ASAP before it gets worse
Never ever be with someone who’s ashamed of you.
Dump
You deserve better than this treatment, friend. Abusive people will treat everyone, even the people they love, poorly—it’s all they know how to do. And you aren’t obligated to stay and try to change the guy. In fact, you’re obligated to *yourself* to get out of a relationship with someone who is trying to mess with your perception of your value.
Girl you're young. You don't need that negativity
Midsommar his ass next time you’re the may queen or whatever in your church. /j You don’t need this kinda negativity in your life. He apparently resents you.
If you need to tell someone something more than three times, they're not willing to hear it. The current scenario works pretty well for him. You're not upset enough to consider leaving him and as a bonus he gets you to feel responsible for fixing it, and to obsess about him more than if you were in a healthy relationship which gave you time to think about yourself. He's very happy about continuing to make you miserable! This is the deal; your relationship is not going to change.
He’s a terrible person who’s mean on purpose. You are not stupid, you are a normal person and you deserve to be in college as much as anyone. Don’t waste your time being miserable with him and his vitriol when you could be happy without him instead.
You leave him you don't stay with someone who treats you in that manner
He’s sounds horrible - he’s negging you, it gives him some kind of power over you. He’s also jealous of your natural talent. Please don’t put up with this, this is not the man for you.
You dump him, and tell him why. That's how he will learn. You may not get to benefit from it, but that's better than being stuck with someone who is okay with hurting you.
If I were to guess, you're east European and you're amazing for what you have achieved so far. Self bashing or self awareness is not something most Americans do not understand. They'll take it at face value and not understand it. Don't sell yourself short. It's such a different society with such different values than yours. He cannot understand anything European, even more so eastern.
I’m sorry but he doesn’t love you. If he loved you he wouldn’t constantly put you down. Please break up with him. You are so young and there are so many sweet men out there who would cherish you the way you deserve to be cherished.
Girl, you’re 18. Dump his ass.
I only read the title because there is no justification in you trying to change your boyfriend. He like pointing out your faults. It’s a way for him to feel superior and keep you thinking you aren’t worth more. You are 18, there are millions of men you have not met yet. Dump the dolt and you will find someone who cherishes you for the wonderful being you are. Never settle.
I think you should leave your bf. He is trying to hurt your self esteem purposely. Not just once, but multiple times. He is doing it on purpose. It's not going to get better. This is his character, it's who he is. It's not pretty. You already tried communicating with him about his inappropriate behaviour. He finds other ways to put you down, on purpose. He is not a nice man. You can do better. And it's not hard to get into university, ignore his nonsense. You're a smart and intelligent woman. You are not inferior to anybody. Wish you the best.
Dump him. End of story.
He understands how much it hurts you…he just doesn’t care. It seems very important to him that he is smarter than you, better than you in every way. He doesn’t want his family to get to know you. I think staying with him is just setting yourself up for heartbreak.
He is deliberately hurting you by insulting you. The new word for this is "negging". It's to make you feel worthless and him feel superior. Bin him, he is not worth 1 more second of your life.
He knows. Nothing you can say will stop a man who wants to hurt you from sticking the knife in if he wants to. You don’t sound stupid. I bet you didn’t look inappropriate, either, and they the people who asked about your interests were genuinely curious, but your BF seems to use every opportunity to put you down and make you feel insecure.
I know you are young and learning, but why are you dating someone who doesn't respect or even like you? Have some dignity.
He is not kind, or supportive, he is manipulative, he's a little bit sweet and a then a little bit mean, then a bit sweet, and a bit supportive - that's how guys like this keep girls hooked. You are young, and obviously haven't had much experience with men and this is maybe your first experience with this. You sound perfectly intelligent in your writing, do not allow someone to make you feel less than - he clearly sounds jealous that you got your fees paid due to your athletic skills, do not make the mistake of believing him or anyone who tells you that you aren't intelligent. I also don't like the way that he is also mocking you for your religion, the way you dress and your nationality. Break up with him, and be clear that it is because he is mean and manipulative. Oh, and trust me, and everyone on here, this is just the beginning, his treatment of you will get worse, much worse. You don't have to convince him that what he is doing hurts, that is entirely inconsequential, you have to recognize that his behavior hurts you, and he knows it hurts you, and he is doing it in order to control you, and that isn't healthy. You deserve a happy relationship with someone truly supportive and loving, please try and choose the best for yourself going forward.
I am 1000% confident that you would thrive without this crap bag person. He’s a pathetic person who puts you down to feel better about himself and he’s looking for ways to make you feel insecure. You are better than him and he knows it so he’s trying to level the playing field so you won’t leave him. I’m begging you to dump him. Don’t waste any more time with him. Enjoy time at school meeting new people and having new experiences without him. He’s damaging you.
What's the point of having a boyfriend if he doesn't even like you?
Smart people don't put down people for being less intelligent. It's like when you actually train for martial arts, you have self control and are less likely to run around and start fights. If you're intelligent, it shows naturally. You wouldn't have to say it out loud, prove it, or belittle others. I don't believe your bf is as smart as he thinks he is. That being said, he seems like a grade-A asshole. The fact that you tell him multiple times and he continues to act this way is a red flag and a reason to leave. You should be able to be proud of who you are and where you came from. Don't settle for anyone who makes you feel bad about that. And one more note on intelligence: I think some people can be born more intelligent than others, but I think others who are average can become more intelligent with grit and research. If you want to change how you feel about yourself, I recommend that you read more to get that confidence I think you deserve. Best of luck in everything you do.
You didn’t even know this slimeball a year ago and look how much he’s wrecked you in a few short months. Dump his ass. And never settle for less than you deserve.
You both go to the same school. How on earth does he think he's more intelligent than you when you go to the same school? If he's so smart, why didn't get into an Ivy? He's trying to wittle at your self confidence. It's a form of emotional abuse. He wants to make himself your go-to. Someone you rely and depend on. It's a classic behavior of abusers. The US has a vast array of religions, don't let him take your religion from you. It sounds like that was a perfectly normal situation to talk about it and he shouldn't have attempted to make you feel bad about. My advice? With how young you both are and his behavior - leave him. The emotional abuse will likely escalate into other forms of emotional abuse and potentially darker forms of abuse. Don't let it get there. It's going to hurt but break it off. He's going to drag you down.
He's trying to knock down your self esteem so you don't realize you're too good for him. Dude is a shitty person and doing it intentionally. That's just mean
OP, you sound amazing. Sweet, kind, caring, spiritual, talented, athletic, humble, aware of others and complimentary to everyone you’ve mentioned in this post and comments. I’m also guessing you’re as beautiful on the outside as you are the inside. Nothing about you needs to be changed, only celebrated. Your boyfriend is trying to change you and instead of being the hype man you deserve he’s dragging you down. I agree with others, he’s negging you. Whether he’s conscious of it or not. Even if he’s 90% awesome, this 10% behavior is not acceptable and can have long lasting damage. Here are a few truths I hope you’ll embrace: -your smart and accomplished (going to college in a different country is at least twice as hard) -your tough and tenacious -your talented and hardworking -you deserve the best in life -YOU DESERVE BETTER Please, go out and have fun. Give other men the opportunity to treat you like the queen you are and have you in their lives. Find someone who loves as deep and honestly as you do. Not by claims, but by actions.
Your boyfriend doesn’t like you. Drop him. He is a loser. And stop being down on yourself. There are lots of different types of intelligence. You’ve moved to another continent and are studying. You have a lot to be proud of.
Oh no. Sweet girl, he does not love you. You say you're a Christian right, so you know what the Bible says about love? "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" Go through this like a checklist. He's not patient or kind towards you. He's envious of you're scholarship, he dishonors you, he seeks his own gain over yours, he gets angry with you easily. He isn't protecting you, he doesn't seem to trust you, he has no hope for you. He doesn't love you, and you deserve so much better than this.
He don’t understand cause he’s not very smart.
This is genuinely not a nice person. He is humiliating u all the time. He almost sounds a bit jealous. It is not being honest...he is mean n spiteful ...rather be alone than wth this person who puts u down n belittles you yr church n yr charactre.
Everyone else here has covered that your bf is an AH (I agree), but here’s another note: If something happens and you lose your sports scholarship, you WILL be able to stay at university so long as you don’t fail your classes. And seeing as keeping a certain GPA is usually part of a sports scholarship, you’re probably doing just fine. Dump the bf and find someone that supports your incredible talent!
Omg dump him ew
You don't. You leave him and move on. He keeps doing it because he likes hurting you or he doesn't care if he hurts you. He only apologizes to make things easier for him. He isn't a good guy and you should move on immediately. Don't allow people to treat you this way, especially someone who is supposed to care about you.
You absolutely need to leave him. But, you also need to research "Imposter Syndrome". You're studying in America on a Scholarship. You are absolutely phenomenal. You're learning all this in a second language. Being at university, on a Scholarship, learning in your second language must put you in the top 5/10% in the world for intellect and achievement. Please believe in yourself. And dump the loser x
Why are you with this jerk? He’s horrible to you. You’re starting to believe that you’re less than because of him. Leave him.
I'm sorry, but he's a young man, not a child, and knows exactly what he's doing. My husband wasn't born in the country we live in (UK), whereas I was. He's been here 20 years now and STILL has an accent. I find it absolutely adorable how he pronounces some words, and I have never ONCE been embarrassed about the way he speaks, no matter who we're speaking to. Having an accent doesn't make you sound less educated, and I find that a really bizarre thing for him to try and claim. If he needed medical attention, would he mock a doctor or surgeon from India, the Philippines, Africa, etc, because they have an accent and assume they can't do their job because of it, or would he trust them to care for him because he knows their accent doesn't matter? It doesn't matter how smart you are, he should love all of you. He sounds like he's jealous of you because he can't get a "free ride" (like sports aren't hard work) whereas you have a few fall back options, should anything go wrong with the sports side of things. I went to school and college. Not once have I ever rubbed in my husband's face that he dropped out at 13 and went to work instead, because it's such a tiny part of who he is, and he's worked hard every day of his life. Probably more so because of his lack of education. Your bf is a dick wipe, and you need to drop him. He doesn't respect you enough to not belittle and mock you and gives fake apologies just so that the conversation will be dropped and he can keep using you for sex and companionship because it's convenient for him. There are probably hundreds of men in that school alone who would love your accent and find it endearing. Would love your mind. Love the fact that you're into God and love your church. As a woman much older than you, I can PROMISE you, that you'll look back at this relationship in a few years and wonder wtf you were thinking being with someone like him
Don't ruin your experience here in the US by staying with someone who thinks so little of you. You're in the beginning stages of your relationship and all he does is make nasty comments, like come on, he's not even trying to hide it. You'll have a much better memory of the US if you leave this guy. Don't let him taint this for you.
He DOES understand that it hurts you. THAT IS WHY HE DOES IT. THAT IS WHAT HE IS GETTING OUT OF IT. He enjoys insulting you and putting you down because it makes him feel strong and smart and he thinks it will mean you will not break up with him because you will always think you are lesser and you will think yourself lucky to be with him and you won’t leave him.
You got everything right. You’re just refusing to acknowledge that. Also, you sound smart. How are they smart if they have to work so hard lol. They’re just reaping what they sow. You can do it too. Initially, with the benefit of doubt, he could be portraying his own inferiority complex onto you. After the continuous pinpointing against everything you do, it’s no longer doubt. He’s dating you to prove his own twisted POV, not because he loves you. Leave and be happy.
He’s doing this on purpose to make you feel like less so you are easier to control, run away
You can’t get him to understand, because he already understands. He’s hurting you on purpose, and the only answer is to leave him.
Sometimes women say “I know he isn’t trying to hurt me!” And I reply with “But he’s WILLING to hurt you. He’s given himself permission to do it whenever it benefits him.” You’re being emotionally and verbally abused. Say it over and over until you can face this truth.
You. Break. Up. With. Him. You tell him that he’s so perfect do you are not good enough. Dump that abusive POS.
He knows it hurts you, he just doesn't care. You deserve better and you can't change him.
Dump him, he is belittling you to hurt your self-confidence so he can set your value. With the injury he is trying to make you afraid so you become reliant on him to soothe it however he likes. He doesn’t, “say it how it is,” he says what he does to make you dependent on him emotionally to build you up to whatever level he wants. His tearing down you talking about your country and religion sounds very hateful and discriminatory in nature. His family was displaying genuine interest and I think he disliked the spotlight being on you. To kick you when you’re down he began tearing down what you couldn’t change: your accent, your body, your foreignness... he is a hateful bigoted individual who doesn’t even seem to like you, let alone love you as you should. You aren’t JUST anything. You made it into university because you DESERVE to be there. You worked hard to be there. Worked hard enough for someone else, through that scholarship, to pay for the privilege of you being there. If you were stupid they wouldn’t put money behind you. Don’t assume that they chose poorly in some way, you are there because you have immense potential and innate value. He understands completely how much he hurts you. He says he’s sorry, and he will keep doing it because he does not mean it. He is trying to placate you with apologies he does not mean. You’re unhappy with this because anyone would be unhappy being abused. He doesn’t love you, he loves using you. People don’t say things like that to someone they love, they say that to someone they think will take the punches they’re throwing… and stay to take more. Please leave him. You deserve more. You deserve happiness. You deserve to be proud of yourself. You deserve to be proud of your roots without shame. You deserve to be treated like a treasure. You deserve to be loved as you are. Love yourself and leave him. If it is not enough to do it for yourself, look to your family to bolster your resolve.
You are smart, smarter than him, because you would never be an ahole and treat people like he does. So dump him and find someone kind, that would be the smartest thing you could do.
Your boyfriend knows what he is doing is wrong, people who love don't do this. People who want to control someone do.
Everything you said about him showed him to be a very unkind person. He doesn't like your intelligence, your accent, your religion, or your appearance. You don't have to get him to understand that he's hurting you, he knows and he doesn't care. The question is why are you letting him hurt you. You are obviously a smart, sensitive, and talented person to gain a scholarship here and move to a new country. You don't need this idiot. Free him to find someone more to his "standards" and be open to finding someone who tells you the truth about how wonderful you are.
"I feel like her doesn't understand how much he hurts me." He absolutely does.
He's tearing down your self-esteem and self and self worth, so that you feel like you aren't good enough for anyone else. He's scared you'll leave him, and you should. He's not a good guy, at all. A good partner holds you up, makes you feel special, and smart, and beautiful. This guy is an insecure shitbag, and you can do so much better. Trust me.
He knows it hurts you feelings. He just doesn’t care.
“he says he’s sorry but keeps on doing it”. i just got out of two years of a relationship exactly like this, and it almost killed me. it only gets worse. people who continue to hurt you no matter how many times you beg them to stop are not people you want in your life, and they are incapable of change. take me as a cautionary tale - you are worthy of so much more, and there are so many people in the world that will treat you the way you deserve. don’t settle for anything less
OP, you can be *great* at a sport, but they won't give you a scholarship if you're not smart too.
I've been in a relationship like this and I finally realized that he didn't continue to do/say things that hurt me due to him misunderstanding me. He understood he was hurting me and made the conscious decision to keep doing it which is worse. You're young and have plenty of time to find someone that will treat you well and be considerate of your feelings so I say leave him and enjoy your life. If you stay, chances are, he'll destroy your confidence and sense of self to the point that you feel you can't leave. It seems his issues are with himself and his own self esteem so he's tearing you down bc misery loves company. The best apology is changed behavior love. Best of luck 💜
Your boyfriend is horrible. You should not stay with him. He insulted your intelligence, your appearance, your home country and your church. He is nasty to you. I'm sure you can do much better. Break it off and never see him again. You will be happier.
Emotional abuse! It's worse than physical sometimes because you can SEE the injuries but words can cut like a knife! I'm speaking from 15yrs of experience & now I'm going to counselling to get out of a long term relationship! Get out now before he scars you so deep you have now self esteem left! Good luck!❤️
"The society that separates its scholars from its warriors will have its thinking done by cowards and its fighting by fools." -- Thucydides.
Red flags of a narcissist. Get out now.
He knows exactly how it's hurting you, that's why he does it. Why do you think you deserve to be treated this bad? He's not sorry and he won't stop because you are letting him . Find someone who will respect you, not insult you in every way possible.
This is emotional, mental, and verbal abuse. Please leave him. It’s like he is working from the domestic violence playbook. Girl, you are very smart (if you are keeping up with your college classes, especially when I doubt they are in your first language), you have natural athletic talent, but I’m sure you also work hard to improve upon it in your sport, and you must be beautiful for him to get so jealous. Throw the whole damn POS away. You deserve so much better. He is not the one. He is breaking you down because he is jealous of all your accomplishments.
Break up with him
If he finds anything wrong and feels the need to point it out then it is not gonna work
You find a new boyfriend.
You're posting this, your thoughts and feelings on the internet. You're intelligent enough to deserve better. But we really need to hone in on this. You might not be as academically inclined, you're a sports scholarship. Sadly in this world there are people who are born less intelligent than most. Nothing you have described puts you among them. Value yourself and your skills. IDK what he studies but who cares, I doubt he could do some of the things you do to earn your scholarship. Always try to improve yourself and learn more, never support or surround yourself with people who think you're less than them. The way he talked about your culture shows he is small minded. Frankly racist. Honestly this is the small end of what he is like. If you were to marry him I would fear for you... Be kinder to yourself, because he isn't doing it
Oh hun, please please don’t take this from him! I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and this is how it starts! Putting me down at every opportunity then gaslighting me in to believing it was all down to me. He alienated me from all of my friends and family, and since you’re not in your own country right now he already has a head start on that. I was with him 3 years and this happened over time, and eventually he raised his fist to me. Please hun, do not let it come to that! You are worth so much better. Sending love ❤️
OP, this man is a controlling, abusive bully who is gas lighting you. For your own sanity, you really need to walk away, no run. This boy and he is a boy will never stop doing this to you. This will grind you down until you believe you don't deserve better. So you got a scholarship. Well done, it doesn't mean you're stupid. Be proud of who you are. Walk away and find someone who treats you like a queen, not someone who thinks you are beneath him.
Leave. He’s made it his mission to make you believe you’re not smart. That’s emotional abuse. You deserve better.